#to “harm caused by romantic partners is inherently worse than harm caused by friends”

[penofwildfire]

Controversial take perhaps but the idea that shipping two characters who have a canonically unhealthy platonic relationship somehow makes that unhealthiness worse feels. Idk, amatonormative? Like, what's so special about romantic relationships that makes abuse worse than it would be in a platonic relationship? Why is "these two characters are mean to eachother and/or have an unbalanced power dynamic but consider themselves friends" an acceptable interpretation but "these two characters are mean to eachother and/or have an unbalanced power dynamic but consider themselves lovers" isn't? And you might jump to "oh well in the second scenario you're romanticizing abuse by shipping them" but am I really? And do you really think it's impossible to romanticize abuse in a platonic context? I've been in zero abusive relationships but I've had SEVERAL abusive friendships, just saying.

(obligatory "this post is solely referring to relationships between age-appropriate consenting partners" disclaimer)

[the-citrus-scale]

In Defense Of Edward Cullen

Twilight fans around the world are rejoicing because Midnight Sun, the unfinished retelling of the saga from vampire Edward Cullen’s perspective, finally has a release date. As we all begin to revisit one of our favorite stories in all of its forms, and as we wait for Edward’s opinion on the tumultuous events of his romance with human Bella Swan, I’m also reminded that Edward often gets a very bad rap from both fans and haters alike. While I’m not saying that all his behavior is defensible, I’d like to land on the side of him being more good than bad, and take this moment to point out that you cannot remove the fact that he is a vampire from the equation when putting his actions into context throughout the series.

Edward has been alone, at least in a romantic sense, for over 100 years by the time he meets Bella in Twilight. While he has a loving family, he has been living around their perfect pairings. When they go off for private time with each other, he’s left alone with his thoughts, and that’s not a great place for him to be. While Edward has mostly managed to ignore his vampiric urges when it comes to feeding on humans, he still thinks that he is inherently an evil monster with no soul. Think about how anxious you might feel if you’ve had a bad day or if you feel like you’ve failed at something, and multiply that by 100 years of no sleep, being mentally overwhelmed because you can read minds, and being left alone with your extremely dark thoughts. It’s no wonder he’s in a bad place when he meets Bella.

Additionally, Edward has no idea what to do in a romantic situation. He was human in the early 1900s, when courtship was very different, so he has no idea how to date from a modern perspective. And, of course, he’s thrown off by the fact that he’s a vampire and Bella is a human. His family’s partners were either turned by them or other members of the family before they were romantically involved, or met when they were already vampires. He has absolutely no frame of reference for a vampire/human relationship except that it’s a bad idea because vampires naturally want to eat humans. It’s fairly natural that he gets extremely awkward when trying to figure out how to interact with Bella. There is also another layer of difficulty added because Edward can’t read Bella’s mind. Most of his interactions with humans are informed by knowing their thoughts so he can react in the correct way, and he loses that advantage with Bella, which leads him to seek out other ways to learn more about her without just talking to her because he’s trying not to get her hopes up.

I’m not going to defend Edward for sneaking into Bella’s room and watching her sleep at night. That’s definitely weird, all right? The only reason fans forgive him for this is because we retroactively realize that he never meant her any harm, and didn’t cause any. Bella also forgives him for this particular behavior, giving him a sort of backwards consent to have watched her. Yes, it’s problematic, because that’s not really the way it works, but since nothing bad came of it, we gloss over it, and frankly, we’re going to continue to do so.

Most of the issues people have with Edward actually come after the whole watching Bella sleep thing. For the rest of Twilight, he’s on his best behavior, and goes to great lengths to protect Bella. Even in New Moon, he only leaves her because he’s trying to make things better for her. It’s really in Eclipse when all of the stuff people question starts. So let’s make a quick list and tackle these all at once. People don’t like that they feel like Edward keeps Bella away from her other friends, particularly Jacob. He doesn’t want her to be alone with Jacob or any of the werewolves, especially because he isn’t allowed to venture into their territory, so he can’t protect her while she’s there. They also feel that Edward coerces Bella into marrying him by denying her sex and the promise of him being the one to turn her into a vampire. And they have serious issues with him wanting to get rid of their baby when Bella discovers she’s pregnant in Breaking Dawn.

I get it. When you look at these actions out of context like this, they all seem bad. But when you add in all of the vampire and werewolf stuff, Edward’s actions make a lot more sense. First of all, Bella never really has friends in Forks. She has at least a month to make friends before she really gets wrapped up in the mystery of Edward and starts to fall in love with him, and it never really happens, despite the fact that there are many receptive candidates. Yes, later, Bella has to be careful of what she says because she can’t reveal Edward’s vampiric status to the world, but that is not what creates a barrier between Bella and other people. She never had friends in Phoenix either, so this is not a situation Edward creates. Jacob is really Bella’s closest friend besides the Cullens, especially after the events of New Moon. But even in terms of Jacob, Edward’s behavior isn’t unnecessarily controlling. Edward is worried that Jacob, or any of the other werewolves, will not be able to control themselves and hurt Bella, and his fear is not unfounded. Emily was scarred by Sam when he changed unexpectedly, and Sam loves Emily more than anything. He never wanted to hurt her, but he did anyway. And a werewolf doesn’t even have to be mad at someone to erupt. They can just be too emotional, and whoever happens to be standing next to them is going to bear the physical brunt of that emotion. Edward is jealous of Jacob, yes, but he trusts Bella. It’s just that he doesn’t want her to get hurt. Also, he is 100% on Bella’s side when Jacob kisses her against her will, and I think he should get a lot of credit for that.

Finally, we come to the issue of Edward and Bella’s half-vampire baby. When Edward realizes that Bella is pregnant, he is terrified, and rightfully so. Even Carlisle didn’t know that a vampire/human pregnancy was possible, and that’s saying something, since he has centuries of medical knowledge related to both the natural and supernatural. Edward is afraid that the baby will be an uncontrollable monster like an immortal child, because that’s the only example he has to go on. He can also eventually see the very real medical evidence that the baby is killing Bella. Once Edward realizes that the baby isn’t a monster, he is entirely on board with Bella waiting to give birth before she becomes a vampire, even though he’s still worried about her. If Bella were having a human baby, he never would have thought twice about her keeping it. The only reason he protested was because he had literally no idea what they were dealing with. His reaction is entirely fair.

Is Edward a perfect romantic hero? Of course he’s not. Honestly, most romantic heroes aren’t perfect. But I think he gets a worse reputation than he deserves. Maybe some will go easier on him after we hear in his take this upcoming August. Maybe not. Either way, I’m excited to experience his story all over again, because while it might not be perfect, it is perfectly happy.

[callowed]

peacock blue, tea orange, acacia, honey, chartreuse!

Color headcanons: Open!

peacock blue: is your muse honest? what sorts of lies do they tell, if not? 

Absolutely not. He lies whenever it suits him; To help him pass through places unnoticed, to persuade people’s choices, to sow distrust. He lies with purpose, never out of embarrassment or to save face. That would require shame.

tea orange: what is something that your muse is fascinated with? 

Blood, death, and blades all sound like cop-out answers that we all already know, but he also has a fascination with the Grimm. He feels a certain kinship towards them, being a creature that exists to destroy in his own right. Their connection to his Goddess certainly contributes to this interest, but it wasn’t the source. Even before he met Her, he found them intriguing.The way they tear down everything in their path, there's no malice behind it. They’re vicious and dangerous because it’s what they are. It’s what they were made for. And they’re exceptional at it; there’s something so natural and raw about the way they annihilate. And the eyes... Tyrian has rather poor vision, but he can always make out that burning glow... Each one its own self-contained inferno, like a glimpse inside at the destructive force that burns within each creature. A flame, a violent force of nature, that never ceases to immolate until its dying breath.

acacia: how much does it take for your muse to hate someone?

Tyrian doesn’t hate many people. Not even those that hurl insults at him, or try to kill him. If he is truly despised by someone, he considers it an honor. A testament to his hard work, some level of importance in that person’s life. The only people he could bring himself to truly hate are those who oppose Her Grace’s will. Ignorance, he can overlook, but willful resistance, or worse, interference? It upsets him. He also might hate Ruby for what she did, but he tries not to think about it due to his instructions to keep her alive.

honey: when your muse loves someone (whether it be romantic, platonic, or familial love), how do they show it?

Tyrian’s love is devotion. He likes to give little gifts, do things for them. He is fiercely loyal, a ride-or-die friend and partner that will always jump to the defense of people he cares about. He gets more upset about attacks on the character of those he loves than those directed at himself, and he has no qualms with silencing anybody who crosses a line.He’s not as good at verbally expressing his affection, but it’s very apparent when he cares about someone, because he always considers them before himself.

chartreuse: if you had to describe your muse with a color, what color would it be and why? 

This one is... an odd question to ask for a RWBY character, but I’ll go into why tyrian purple suits Tyrian well. Purple is one of the colors commonly used in animation for villainous characters, but more importantly, it is the first color to come to mind when thinking of poison. Aside from the obvious connection to his venom, I think “poisonous” is a very good descriptor for Tyrian as a person. He is inherently harmful. There is never any question of if he will cause harm, only a matter of when, and in what way. Like poison, he gets under your skin, and finds the best ways to tear you apart from the inside.The reddish undertones in the color hold value here, too. Of course, there’s the implication of blood and violence, but red is also a color of love and passion, Tyrian’s main driving forces. It’s a lovely color, and one that fits Tyrian perfectly. I only wish he wore it more [although the way the purple really pops when he uses his semblance/stinger is very visually striking, so I understand why they designed him that way].

[peculiarwem]

Asexual Fairy Tales

By Elizabeth Hopkinson Illistrated by Anna Hopkinson

So I have a lot of feelings about this book. Most of them not positive so I'm going to say that I gave it a 1/5 stars because it's problems are worse than it's good parts. The reason I say that now is because this review will contain spoilers but also will cover some triggering topics. I'm sorry, I don't know how to do read more posts on mobile I will try and edit it on a computer tomorrow.

Let's start out with my only positives.

There's two original stories in this book, and I liked them both more than the other stories. They're still not the best but they were better.

Those were: The Ice Queen and the Mer-King and The Ivory Maid.

My favorite story was The Lost Children of Lorenwald which was the last story. It was sweet and adventurous. The character of the Story singer was my favorite and it was just nice.

Now my problems.

Let's start with Pygmalion and Galatea

This is a retelling of a classic Greek myth. Pygmalion doesn't enjoy the company of people and so he creates the perfect companion out of marble, one of the gods sees this and makes his companion human and so Pygmalion loses interest in her. Typically people see this as problematic as it is portrayed as if Pygmalion only wanted a doll and when he got a person who talked and had opinions his 'perfect companion' was ruined. Hopkinson rewrites this as Pygmalion not liking the carnal desires of Cyprus and so asks Venus to help him find his perfect companion and he does in a marble statue who comes to life. They become friends and live happily ever after. My main problem with this is that it completely disregards the original myth. It's not the worst problem, but saying that Pygmalion made a companion because he was Ace and not because he was a shitty person kinda sucks.

The Ice Queen and the Mer-King and The Man Without Desire

While I did enjoy TIQATMK story more than others, both of these stories feature characters (however vague it is portrayed) being assaulted and abused by their partners. It's a negative of the story but I don't want sexual assault in my Ace book. Duh.

This is a criticism of a couple of the stories but it's best displayed in The Half Marble Prince. The half marble prince is a character who is married to a woman who he can't have sex with. This causes the woman to go out and cheat on her husband, drugging him so that he doesn't awake to find her cheating. When the prince finds out, he's furious that his wife - who belongs to him - is cheating and harms the wife's lover. She's the Villain. He's the damsel. While I believe the wife's character to be problematic I believe that the prince's is just as problematic, but he gets the reward in the end and the wife is killed. Sus.

As a side note, some of these stories are not romantic which is nice but of the ones that are the relationships portrayed are all m/f relationships. Asexuality is not something that is inherently straight passing and while I do understand that most of these are portrayals of already existing myths, there are stories written here that are original and there are 12 stories, none of which are any other form of queer. Again, sus.

My final problem with this story is with the story of Zellandibe and Troyus.

This story is the sleeping beauty story and if you know how fucked the sleeping beauty story can get well... You know why I don't like this but to summerize, Zellandibe falls asleep and Troyus, in order to wake her, is told by the goddess venus that he needs to get her pregnant. So he does. This is portrayed by the girl wanting this by the goddess but never does Zellandibe in any form give her explicit consent. She does get pregnant and have a kid and the kid sucks a splinter out of her finger and so she wakes. The biggest problem I have with this, aside from the blatant rape apology, is that the story is prefaced with 'For asexuals, reconciling a desire for parenthood with a lack of desire - or even repulsion - for the sexual act can be a difficult stuggle' Adopt. If you don't want to have sex. Adopt. So many kids need homes and the protrayal of Zellandibe having to be in a coma so her partner can get her pregnant is gross. I know it's set before science but it really is as simple as just not telling that story. It was gross and uncomfortable.

[sparklefayritalemoda]

Are you bothered by your cosmic insignificance? No, I kinda think it is nice to not have that cosmic significance but still be significance to some people in the world.  

Do you mourn for a place or person you’ve never known? Yes, places (maybe I’ll have a chance to visit them at some point) but people definitely.

Do you really think there is somebody for everybody? I dunno. I wish there would be, but my rational mind tells me no.

Do you place any value in gender roles? No not really. I care about the person, their soul and if there are a decent human being and that’s where I put my value. Not saying that gender roles don’t have any value.

Do you have to be related to be family? Family is more than blood.

Are your platonic relationships just as valuable as romantic or family ones? A few of them yes.

Are you in love? Do you want to be? No and yes want to be, but tbh I dunno really. It would be nice I guess.

Do you think you can put love into categories (family, platonic, romantic, etc.) or is it just one general sensation? Not really sure. I think you can put it into categories but in the end love is a general sensation.

Would you be happy with a life without romance? No, cause I would also miss all the romantic songs, poetry etc. Which make the world a bit better.

Are you always going to be a little in love with somebody? I think so yes, once you love somebody you will always love them somehow, even just a bit. I think the memory plays an important part in that case.

Would you change your appearance if you could? No.

Do you have the feeling you’ve lost something you might have had in another life - whether it be a person, a place, a world, a language, etc.? I dunno, don’t think so. I mean if there’s a magical world def yes.

Do you believe in reincarnation? Not really.

Would you want to be reincarnated? No, one life is enough in the end I would say.

Do you think you’re special, or just another

person amongst billions? Can you be both? One can be both. I think everyone is special in their unique way and no one is insignificant. But if you’re looking at the bigger picture, we are not that significant anymore, and become more or less a person amongst billions. I think in general people shouldn’t take themselves so seriously all the time, not everything resolves around them.

Do theoretical ethical debates have any value? Is it important people discuss ethical dilemmas, e.g. the trolley problem? Yes. Recent events showcased how important it is to do that.

Did you have imaginary friends? Do you still have them? Not that I can remember.

Are you religious? Do you think your religion is ‘correct’? Not very, but sometimes it is nice to have a god to talk to. No, I don’t think so.

If you aren’t religious, do you wish you were? Why?

Do you want a grand adventure? Yes. That would be nice for a chance.

Do you have somebody, whether it be a friend or stranger, who you think you could have loved if the circumstances were different? Yes. I actually have a full list of people haha.

How long does it take you to fall in love with somebody? Is the sensation of ‘falling in love’ or ‘being in love’ better? I dunno how long it would take as I’ve never really been in love before. Both I think, they are just different sensations.

Is love about convenience or something more? Can it be about both? Depends. But I would like to think it is about something more.

Do you think you really understand your gender and sexuality? I think so, but I’m not sure. The question is does anyone know himself/herself fully?

How fluid is your concept of gender and sexuality? I mean I don’t live gender fluidity (I see myself as she/her) but I try to understand the general concept as best as I can.

What’s the most life-changing choice you’ve made so far? Moving to Shanghai (well my parents decided that but it was very life changing)

Are you afraid of growing old? No.

Would you want to live forever? How about for a billion years, a million, a millennium, a century? No I don’t think so. I come to the decision that when I die, I die and to live forever must be exhausting.

Do you believe in some form of god/s? Yes, my god.

Are your choices fated or of your own free will? Free will.

Do you have a hunch about how you’re going to die? No thank god not, that would be awful and so unsettling to know and be right about.

Do you believe in star signs? Yes I do. And sometimes I find they are true indeed.

How old do you have to be to be considered an adult? I dunno, I think there is no real age to define if you’re an adult or not. I know people who are older than others and behave like toddlers. So I cannot really say.

Was your childhood happy? Yes, very happy. For me most wonderful childhood I could have.

What are you missing from your life? I dunno, success maybe and financial independence. And also beeing truly me. But knowing the circumstances it is very difficult in the moment and it will come with time ( I hope).

Have you ever met someone who had a very similar personality to your own? Did you get along? Yes and yes. Was really funny and interesting.

Do opposites attract? Yes they do, otherwise magnetism would be just a fluke.

Is your life what you expected it would be five years ago? No not at all. But that’s the nice things about life, always surprising.

Do you know what you want out of life? Being me the most possible, also being truthful and honest.

What makes a person ‘good’? Are you a ‘good person’? Having courage and being kind. Not fully, is anyone really? It depends on which side you act on.

What fundamentally matters do you? Love, success, peace and joy to be super cliche.

Is freewill an illusion? I dunno, if it wouldn’t be at least it would be a good illusion. But I guess there are also some rules and laws that restrict freewill. Maybe we’re also living in a matrix, who knows.

Do you create art? How do you define art? Yes I do create art. For me it is in everyday life, like in poetry, beauty, romance. It can be anything, and it is the thing we stay alive for (like Robin Williams once said).

How often do you lie? Is all lying inherently bad? Are you generally truthful? Generally I am truthful, though sometimes I lie so I won’t hurt other people and I also lie to myself sometimes which is the worst I think.

Do you want to be remembered after your death? What for? I dunno, maybe by just the people who are close to me. And I think for being me the best way possible, having courage and being kind.

Is true world peace ever possible? No, I don’t think so.

Do you have to suffer to truly understand the human condition? What is the human condition? How can you really experience it? Ugh I dunno. I guess to experience it is to live.

Are you free? Will you ever be? Can anyone be truly free? I feel free, not hundert percent but very. But I think no one can be truly free, cause that implies living with no law etc. and that is impossible or not wanted at least.

Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others? Yes, meaning I am my worst critic. But otherwise no, I’m no better than anyone else.

What do you expect from a friend or partner? Being truthful, good listener, understanding, trustworthy, kind, humourfull, accepting, tolerant.

What question could you ask to find out the most about a person? How do you see yourself?

Do you justify all your beliefs or have you just inherited/absorbed some?

No, def inherited and absorbed some as well.

Which beliefs do you have that is most likely to be wrong? I dunno tbh, nothing comes to my mind this minute.

Can human really understand the complete nature of the universe, space and time? No, I believe it goes behind our understanding. And maybe it is nice for a chance to now know everything in the world.

Is a conscious what makes someone a person? Yes, at least it plays a part in it.

What do you think about artificial intelligence? It is a very handy, interesting tool. Of course useful, but should be treated careful, cause it also can be dangerous as it is offering unlimited possibilities almost.

Do you thinks humans are obsessed with escapism (books, video games, movies, etc.)? Are you looking for an escape? Do you think that’s a bad thing? Yes I think so, esp. during the recent times during Corona. We all need escape from time to time and it is nice. I don’t think it is a bad thing, I escape into books. As long as it is in an healthy relation to your real life.

Are we eventually going to ‘run out’ of new combinations for music, art, language, etc.? Is there a limit to human creativity? No I don’t think so. But would be interesting to know or at least to try to find it out

What do you think the next era of music will be like? Different than this one.

What do you think the next era of fashion will be like? Same as 59.

Do we live in tumultuous times, or do they just seem so strange because we’re living in them? I think they seem so strange cause we live in them.

Would you want to meet a clone of yourself? Would you like them? No I don’t want to meet any.

How confident are you, really? I would say very. But not too much, an healthy amount.

How consistent is your perception of time? It varies tbh but mainyl consistent.

What age should people be allowed to vote? Should children and teenagers be allowed to vote? Age 16 seems right. But I mean in Germany you’re allowed to vote with 18, so I guess this is a good age as well. Children no, they don’t understand politics.

How do you feel about the idea ‘an eye for an eye’? A bit weird as it can lead to many misinterpretations in harmful ways.

What’s the worse thing a person can be? Being unkind and simply rude, a monster.

How do you feel about monogamy? Interesting, and I mean isn’t it the concept of marriage? To marry someone for live until death parts them.

Can you be in love with someone and still fall in love with someone else? Yes I think so.

What’s the tragedy of your life? So far that my grandmother died and didn’t get to see all the milestones of her grandchildren.

Would your life make a good play? Maybe, I dunno.

Should people be prosecuted for crimes that weren’t considered crimes at the time? No. But I can’t fully judge that.

Would you fight for your country? Do you feel a sense of loyalty to your nation? A bit yes. But I see myself more as a citizen of the world.

Do you believe in gender equality in every aspect? Yes. It should be a given.  

Do we have a moral obligation to care for others? To what extent? Yes I do, for the people that cared for me. I guess give back what they gave to me, unless it harms you or your family/friends too much.

Do you crave approval and/or praise? Sometimes yes. Not all the time though.

Is there comedy in all tragedy and tragedy in all comedy? Depends.

Are you ever going to be satisfied? No I don’t think so. But depends what kind of satisfied as there can be different ones.

When you are sad, do you listen to music that conveys your emotions or music that makes you happy? First music that conveys my emotions and than something that makes me happy.

Is your music organised by mood or sensation or do you just listen to everything at any time? Everything at any time.

Would you marry a friend if they needed you to (e.g. for citizenship)? If it is a very good friend of mine yes..

Are you a deep person? Yes, 1000%.

Given the chance to live your life on Mars, with no hope of returning to Earth but with the promise of scientific discovery and glory, would you take it? I would think about it and maybe yes.

Are you who people think you are? I dunno how good people know me, but I would like to think no.

Do you think you would be happier if you had been born a different gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity, nationality or religion? No I don’t think so, pretty happy with my life so far.

What’s your toxic trait? Are you trying to improve yourself and fix it? Biting my nails and I should start fixing it.

Do you anger easily? No.

Are you a jealous person? No. But depends on the subject.

If you lost all your memories, would you have the same personality? No.

Given the chance to reset your life (with none of the knowledge you currently have), would you take it? No.

Is hate as strong as love? Who do you hate? Yes but very different. Atm no one really, I try to stop hating people as it is just nasty business and takes a lot of energy.

Do you speak multiple languages? Which do you dream in? What language would you want to learn?

Yes, I speak English, German and Chinese. I dream mostly in German, sometimes English and I would love to learn Italian, a bit more Chinese and maybe Hebrew.

Do you draw meaning from your dreams, or do you disregard them? Yes sometimes I do.

How would you describe yourself when you love? Do you love forcefully, unconditionally, gently, quietly, desperately? Unconditionally, gently, quietly.

Is unrequited love real love? No, as it is one sided. But then again someone feels love so I guess it can be real.

Is your perception of yourself similar or the same to how others perceive you? I dunno, tbh I don’t think so, but I don’t care that much. As long as I know who I am, I’m good.

Are you overly analytical? Usually yes. I think and analyse all the time, sometimes more, sometimes less.

Do you ever feel that you are really a terrible person, and only act good out of societal or some other obligation? Rarely.

Do you believe in magic? Are you superstitious? I believe in magic but I am not superstitious.

What belief do you have that isn’t logically grounded, but you still firmly believe in? I belive that life has its way of showing you whats good and not good for you and it leads you in the right direction. What you make of it, is your responsibility (to a certain degree, many things just happen you cannot be responsible for) and it does not have to be the right time as well. But I believe in a greater power and that in the end everything will be fine, otherwise it is not the end.

[storiesofwildfire]

𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑨𝑪𝑻𝑬𝑹 𝑺𝑯𝑬𝑬𝑻

            REPOST, DON’T REBLOG !

tagged by: @bifrostgold tagging: @bifrostgold ( lialo, two can play at this game ) and also @incrediblewithin because I can

author’s note: seeing as Smudge tagged me in the meme I tagged them in first and requested on of my ocs, I’m coming back at you with Saga this time.

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬

FULL NAME. Saga Lokidottir NICKNAME. None GENDER. Female HEIGHT.  5′8″ AGE.  She’s around 425 Aesir years old, putting her right between Sleipnir and the triplets in age. ZODIAC.  Scorpio SPOKEN LANGUAGES.  All-tongue ( a magical language that translates so anyone who hears or reads it can understand it in their native tongue ). However, she has picked up some individual languages along the way, mostly from her adopted mother, Loki. She’s especially good with the languages of the Old Gods despite her relatively young age.

𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬

HAIR COLOR. Dark brown borderline black EYE COLOR.  Brown SKIN TONE. Light-medium BODY TYPE.  She’s rather lean, but has a nice, subtle hourglass shape  VOICE. Mezzo-soprano  DOMINANT HAND. Left-handed, though being a skilled sorcerer, she’s very capable with both hands but prefers her left. POSTURE. Saga carries herself upright in a proper position, but she isn’t still or inherently regal about it. She values good posture without looking smug or posh about it. SCARS. She’s sustained some pretty serious scars over the years from people lashing out at her. Because Saga specializes in a unique mixture of illusion-casting and mind magic, one of her most potent skills is casting illusions that bring another person’s worst fears to life. As a child, she did this on accident, unsure of how to control it or how to stop it from happening. This caused a lot of turmoil between her and the people around her and often caused others to associate her with the idea of fear. Because of this, she’s had some individuals react particularly violently. Some scars litter her arms from particularly harsh blows that she defended herself from by throwing her arms up. She also had a particularly nasty gash along her side as well as a small, barely noticeable cut running along her right cheek. TATTOOS. As of right now, Saga doesn’t have any tattoos, but she’s more than open to the idea of them! BIRTHMARKS. none MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S). Her hair would probably catch the most attention at first glance. It’s long, very rich in color, and usually bone-straight, creating an elegant-yet-intimidating visage. It compliments her talents rather well, but it stands in a huge juxtaposition with her personality. While many associate her with concepts of terror, she’s actually a very sweep and bubbly person.

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝

PLACE OF BIRTH. Asgard HOMETOWN. Gladsheim SIBLINGS. As far as she’s aware, she has no biological siblings. She considers Loki her maternal figure, though, an unofficially adopted mother, so to speak, so Loki’s children would be her adopted family to a certain degree. It’s important to remember that Loki and their children are Saga’s chosen family, though, and that Saga was not raised as Hel, Fenrir, Jörmungandr, and Sleipnir’s sibling. PARENTS.  birth parents; unknown | adopted mother: Loki

𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞

OCCUPATION.  As of right now, Saga resides in Helheim with Hel. While Saga is not dead, she willingly stays in the Realm of the Dead to assist Hel’s rule. She acts as a sort of advisor, caretaker, and occasionally fills in for Hel if she is needed elsewhere. CURRENT RESIDENCE. Helheim CLOSE FRIENDS. Because of Saga’s abilities and how early they manifested, her birth parents quickly left her at an orphanage, unsure of how to care for a child that literally manifested nightmares or even how to coexist with her. The other children at the orphanage as well as the workers also had a difficult time getting close to Saga and most were blatantly afraid of her. For quite a few years of her childhood, she didn’t really have real companions or friends, so when Loki took her under their wing, she became very invested in Loki and Sleipnir and later the triplets once they were born. Saga considers them her family but they are also her closest friends. From there, she’s branched into some of Loki’s other friends and influencers--like Asmund and Sigurd, who both helped nurture and train her magical control. RELATIONSHIP STATUS. While she has not openly confirmed or denied a relationship existing, there are some inclinations across Loki’s family and friends and Hel and Saga formed a romantic relationship. Neither of them has ever spoken on it or confirmed it, but they are closer than friends really ought to be and Saga... literally gave up her life in any living realms to stay with Hel, so... FINANCIAL STATUS. Technically speaking, being the adviser and companion to the Queen of Helheim means Saga doesn’t really need money. There is no real need for money in Helheim and she doesn’t give any weight to financial status. She gives up quite a lot to stay in Helheim, but she lives well and comfortably. DRIVER’S LICENSE. Cars don’t really exist where she’s from or where she lives so? CRIMINAL RECORD. Unless accidentally ( or sometimes purposefully ) tormenting people counts, Saga doesn’t actually have one. VICES. Despite her incredibly terrifying magic, Saga is a surprisingly open and positive person, often too much so. She’s repeatedly allowed herself to get hurt for believing in the best of people. She’s loyal to a fault as displayed by her willingness to live her entire living life with the Dead. While she’s very sweet and kind, she’s also fierce and if you get on her bad side? Let’s just say, you don’t want to be there. Her magic can also be as much of a curse as it is a blessing, as it’s gotten her in trouble and even harmed her on more than one occasion.

𝐬𝐞𝐱 & 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞

SEXUAL ORIENTATION.  Demisexual. Unless Saga has a very intense emotional investment in you, there is no sexual attraction whatsoever.  PREFERRED EMOTIONAL ROLE. submissive | dominant | switch PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE. submissive | dominant | switch  LIBIDO. Average if she has someone she actively wants to be with. Nonexistent if there isn’t anyone she fancies.  TURN ON’S.  A true desire to reach out to her and embrace her as a person with valid feelings rather than compartmentalize her into a category. She values openness and understanding above anything else and if someone can look past what makes her terrifying to so many and see her, that’s usually what gets her. TURN OFF’S. Obnoxiousness, being too loud, being too pushy, being too judgmental, disingenuousness LOVE LANGUAGE.  Self-sacrificing to a fault, honestly. RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES.  She’s the type of person to want to take care of literally everything so their partner didn’t have to. Work? Done. Chores? Done. Errands? Done. Setting up baths and meals and whatever her partner needs? Done. She’ll basically keep going until someone forces her to stop and take a breather, but she doesn’t mind. She’s a carer, it’s what she does.

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬

CHARACTER’S THEME SONG. uh... I guess if I had to pick one, I’d probably go with something instrumental, like Shadows by Lindsey Stirling  HOBBIES TO PASS TIME.  Aside from studying, practicing magic, and reading ( several things literally all of Loki’s children do ), Saga spends a lot of time taking after her mum in music and art. She’s quite skilled at several incredibly difficult instruments, including one she shares with her mother, the violin. She’s also a wildly gifted painter, but that isn’t exactly surprising for an illusionist, is it? Saga also spends a lot of time decorating both interior spaces and exterior spaces, in hopes of making her and Hel’s home feel more like a warm and welcoming place rather than what someone would likely expect from a palace in Helheim. LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED.  Right-brained. PHOBIAS. Truly losing control of her abilities. For years, she suffered being unable to help her illusion manifestation, but the older she got, the more realistic her nightmares became, to the point that she wondered and feared if she could actually manifest them to completion rather than simply projecting the image of them.  SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL. Somewhere in the middle. She’s had a lot of blows to her self-confidence over the years because of how poorly other people have treated her. She tries not to blame them because she knows it’s not entirely their fault, but at the same time? It has definitely impacted her in the long run. Mixed with literally being abandoned by her own parents? You’d expect her to have worse self-esteem to be honest.  VULNERABILITIES. Her need to hold onto the only family she’s ever known, the fear she holds in her own abilities and how easily they’ve slipped away from her, sometimes getting lost in her own illusions leaving her unable to tell the differences between reality and fiction in extreme cases

[reneedidwhat]

Most Recent Therapy Work

Part of my chaos that started in 2020 and has continued into 2021 is the hard work I’m doing in therapy to heal my self-esteem and undo my old insecurities.

Well, I would like to take a moment to write an in-depth post outlining the latest and greatest of those insecurities. This one was a nasty bugger and as soon as started asking myself why none of my current friends have been active in my life for years and why they just kind of appeared in my life recently, I knew this one would eventually come up in therapy.

Okay, that’s not entirely true. I’m still connected with a few dear friends that have been around for many years. But therein lies the problem. Yes, I’m still connected with them on social media, but I’m not close to them like I used to be. There are many other friendships I’ve had in the past that are long gone and I might never talk to some of those people ever again.

For long, I thought this was just normal. In some cases, the circumstances were normal. People move on, get married, get promoted, move to distant cities, have busy lives, etc. The problem is, this isn’t always the case. In my many years, I had created a cycle where I wouldn’t let anyone get too close to me. If they started to, I would find a way to distance myself from them and then repeat the cycle with new people.

Why have I been doing this? Well, like I said, I have only recently noticed this trend. But subconsciously I had a purpose. Well, I actually had multiple purposes but only one true purpose. The purpose I wanted to believe was that I would distance myself from people to protect them from myself. What about myself did I think I was protecting them from? My self-esteem was so low that deep down I always felt like my personality was inherently flawed and toxic. It was only after my therapist noticed me use the word toxic to describe minor slip ups or insignificant transgressions that she was able to intervene in this self-harm. And only then, after I told her how I reacted disproportionately to a minor argument with a friend.

But let’s back up a bit, what was my other purpose? What was the true purpose for pushing people away? It was to protect myself from my fear of conflict. Even the slightest sign of minor conflict felt like a major failure on my part and so instead of talking about it and resolving it, I would cut the friend off or even worse cut them off before anything like that could happen. I did not want to fight. I would tell myself that a minor moment of weakness was an unforgivable transgression against that friend and then cut them off in the name of protecting them.

Due to my memory loss, I’m not sure what exactly happened in the past that caused me to build this habit. But my hunch is that perhaps my personality was actually toxic at one point. I learned from my mistakes and corrected those problems without ever forgiving myself for the past so I worked on my personality and fixed my shortcomings while still behaving as if I was still inherently flawed.

However, humans are gonna be human so I still made connections with people. I had friends (until I pushed them away) and of course I even was in romantic relationships. The romantic relationships in my life were a bit more unique in nature but a lot of the same rules applied. My longest ever relationship lasted almost three years and there’s a reason why it lasted as long as it did. Even though I wasn’t happy in the relationship, the partner and I were both mature adults so we were able to resolve disagreements. I would not have been able to do my part in that relationship if I was truly as toxic of a person as I try to make myself believe.

But now, I’m finally transitioning and I’m finally resolving the finer points of these old issues in therapy. I’m not as toxic as I feared. Most people I talk to now say they think I have a good personality or a neutral one at worst. Perhaps this is a sign that my current friendships will last and that it’s only a matter of time before I’m once again in a romantic relationship, this time one in which I can be happy. Yes, I need to make sure I forgive myself and resolve conflicts instead of running away. But to do that, I also need to accept that these things happen and I’m not perfect. And no one who truly cares about my well-being will expect me to be perfect. But this also serves as a reminder to myself to reach out to the friends who are still connected. I haven’t talked to them in a long time but if our last interactions were positive, surely they’d be more than happy to hear from me again?

[sowergrayps]

I want to make a mistake. I feel as though there is some inherent evil in the composition of my being that nudges me. “Go on,” it encourages. “You’re already a fuck-up as it is. Why not give in?”

I swore that I was better than this. I swore that I would never again harm someone I love so deeply as I did when I was far less concerned with how they might be affected. Well, it wasn’t that I hadn’t considered how they would be affected. It just didn’t matter to me.

Then, this stuff had meaning—love. Romantic love. The kind where being touched by even the brush of a fingertip against your arm makes you tremble. Or the kind that makes you joyfully scream within yourself, “Is this really happening right now?” The unthinkable is what I miss. Now, I see it all coming. You’ll touch me here, we’ll kiss a little but it’ll run on longer than I’d like, then you’ll rush your way through any resemblance of passion all the way to the finish. Your finish. Then I’m left lying there thinking, is this how it’s really going to be? Is this the choice I’ve made for myself? You snore away.

I made this choice because I thought it might rid me of the scarlet letter. I can prove to everyone (and maybe even myself) that I can tow the line. I can be a housewife and make dinner and clean the house and dote on the one who walked in on me and my lover. I can make good on my sin and erase the hurt I caused. I don’t know that it’s still there. I’d never done that before: slept around. Never dreamt of it. And then that all changed. When one night his arm brushed against my arm and every hair on my body stood on end again. Then, it had meaning. I managed to find some, anyway.

I know, I know. This is supposed to happen. You’re supposed to get bored. And then you deal with it. And I can. Oh, and I have. Enough, maybe. I dreamed eventually of functioning in this. But then it became unrelenting, the making up for everything I’ve done. And then I became silent. That was less costly than piping up. Yes, you’re right, babe. I AM nuts. Yes, I should just shut up. I could see your eyes glaze over within seconds of opening my mouth as if they said, there she goes again, rambling on.

I started thirsting again for chaos. I needed to shake things up a bit. Really, what I wanted was to reenact those moments where I felt I was being completely consumed by someone. Not that I was giving myself to them, but that they had become so absolutely in-tune with me that for a chunk of time, time is no longer standing in the room, tapping at its wrist waiting for us to finish up. In that absense of time and we’ve-got-to-get-on-with-this, I felt love. Jesus, I really just wanted someone to make me cum. Is that too fucking much to ask for?

I suppose it is, considering I’ve never really explained how to do that. It wasn’t really like that when we first got together. I feel like I was one of the last generations brought up to believe that my body serves the sole purpose of fulfilling my partner’s sexual needs. Mine are obsolete. Well, a woman’s was obsolete. And it’s still that way. But, what I would go back and tell my 19-year-old self.

It’s occurred to me that this person currently holding space in my brain has been there since I was nineteen. It occurred to me then that I might want to pursue him, but it wasn’t the right time. And then my would-be partner of now six years came along shortly after. It was never close to being a possibility. But I’ve always known there was some attraction there. Then, my mental illness and subsequent erratic sexual behavior to follow kind of blasted that possibility out of the water. Life went on. The feeling was still there, but I repressed it. I never got the impression that it could be possible, he and I. It just couldn’t. Never thought I was his type. He was certainly mine, but it doesn’t matter if the street doesn’t go both ways.

Something seemed to change last night. He reached out to me while he was innebriared. And I know that means nothing, but part of maintaining some sanity through a long-term and sexless or loveless relationship meant maintaining some form of a fantasy. Never mind the how it would happen, but what would it be like? What would it be like to have a moment together, alone, in the same room?

I ask myself, is it possible that he may have some feeling there? I still don’t know. And it is better that way, because I know that if there was a possibility that he might have mutual feelings, I would run to it immediately. I know how reckless I am when given an opportunity. When I think there is some meaning in running to it...

And I know that wouldn’t be right. What, doing that to a good friend of mine. Again? Would I really want to go down that road? I thought not, for a long time. I still don’t think I would at this very moment. And I’m capable of exhibiting self-control. But am I?

What am I doing texting this person all night? Why do I have the feeling that, while nothing inappropriate was discussed, his significant other—my good friend—would be hurt by what’s going on? Would she have the right? Am I doing anything wrong, truly?

I wouldn’t, but part of me wants to manipulate the situation. Wear a low-cut top and see if he can find my eyes during a conversation. But it gets worse. When he was high and really excited to make conversation all night, I wanted to take it further than I should. Could I come over now, when you’re fucked out of your mind and your girlfriend isn’t home? How would you feel if I sent you a dirty picture? Really, I’d just want to ask, if I were there with you, what would we be doing? And I wonder if in those lucid hours, he thought of the same thing. He kept telling me, buried in other stuff, that he was lonely and hates sleeping alone.

I guess I tried to instigate something. I don’t think an internet sleuth would really be able to see anything overt about what I did. I mentioned a hot actress’ tits. Two actresses. And then I mentioned Sarah Silverman discussing times in which she consented to letting Louie jack off in front of her. I tried to bait something. He didn’t take it. In fact, he became afraid he was creeping me out when he... Well, he sort of did take it. He went and looked up Allison Brie’s tits. I sent him a link to the show where you can see them. And then he said he always knew they would be great. And I wanted him to tell me more.

This will likely blow over. I don’t think he would ever budge. And that’s great. As my friends, he and his girlfriend are deserving of a happy relationship. I do not want to get in the middle of that. But I do wonder, are they happy? If I asked the same question of myself, I’d know the answer. Otherwise I wouldn’t be engaging in this sort of thought at all if I were actually happy where I am, romantically speaking.

Why do I know that I will continue to poke at this and see if anything is there for me?