sparklefayritalemoda

[sparklefayritalemoda]

Are you bothered by your cosmic insignificance? No, I kinda think it is nice to not have that cosmic significance but still be significance to some people in the world.  

Do you mourn for a place or person you’ve never known? Yes, places (maybe I’ll have a chance to visit them at some point) but people definitely.

Do you really think there is somebody for everybody? I dunno. I wish there would be, but my rational mind tells me no.

Do you place any value in gender roles? No not really. I care about the person, their soul and if there are a decent human being and that’s where I put my value. Not saying that gender roles don’t have any value.

Do you have to be related to be family? Family is more than blood.

Are your platonic relationships just as valuable as romantic or family ones? A few of them yes.

Are you in love? Do you want to be? No and yes want to be, but tbh I dunno really. It would be nice I guess.

Do you think you can put love into categories (family, platonic, romantic, etc.) or is it just one general sensation? Not really sure. I think you can put it into categories but in the end love is a general sensation.

Would you be happy with a life without romance? No, cause I would also miss all the romantic songs, poetry etc. Which make the world a bit better.

Are you always going to be a little in love with somebody? I think so yes, once you love somebody you will always love them somehow, even just a bit. I think the memory plays an important part in that case.

Would you change your appearance if you could? No.

Do you have the feeling you’ve lost something you might have had in another life - whether it be a person, a place, a world, a language, etc.? I dunno, don’t think so. I mean if there’s a magical world def yes.

Do you believe in reincarnation? Not really.

Would you want to be reincarnated? No, one life is enough in the end I would say.

Do you think you’re special, or just another

person amongst billions? Can you be both? One can be both. I think everyone is special in their unique way and no one is insignificant. But if you’re looking at the bigger picture, we are not that significant anymore, and become more or less a person amongst billions. I think in general people shouldn’t take themselves so seriously all the time, not everything resolves around them.

Do theoretical ethical debates have any value? Is it important people discuss ethical dilemmas, e.g. the trolley problem? Yes. Recent events showcased how important it is to do that.

Did you have imaginary friends? Do you still have them? Not that I can remember.

Are you religious? Do you think your religion is ‘correct’? Not very, but sometimes it is nice to have a god to talk to. No, I don’t think so.

If you aren’t religious, do you wish you were? Why?

Do you want a grand adventure? Yes. That would be nice for a chance.

Do you have somebody, whether it be a friend or stranger, who you think you could have loved if the circumstances were different? Yes. I actually have a full list of people haha.

How long does it take you to fall in love with somebody? Is the sensation of ‘falling in love’ or ‘being in love’ better? I dunno how long it would take as I’ve never really been in love before. Both I think, they are just different sensations.

Is love about convenience or something more? Can it be about both? Depends. But I would like to think it is about something more.

Do you think you really understand your gender and sexuality? I think so, but I’m not sure. The question is does anyone know himself/herself fully?

How fluid is your concept of gender and sexuality? I mean I don’t live gender fluidity (I see myself as she/her) but I try to understand the general concept as best as I can.

What’s the most life-changing choice you’ve made so far? Moving to Shanghai (well my parents decided that but it was very life changing)

Are you afraid of growing old? No.

Would you want to live forever? How about for a billion years, a million, a millennium, a century? No I don’t think so. I come to the decision that when I die, I die and to live forever must be exhausting.

Do you believe in some form of god/s? Yes, my god.

Are your choices fated or of your own free will? Free will.

Do you have a hunch about how you’re going to die? No thank god not, that would be awful and so unsettling to know and be right about.

Do you believe in star signs? Yes I do. And sometimes I find they are true indeed.

How old do you have to be to be considered an adult? I dunno, I think there is no real age to define if you’re an adult or not. I know people who are older than others and behave like toddlers. So I cannot really say.

Was your childhood happy? Yes, very happy. For me most wonderful childhood I could have.

What are you missing from your life? I dunno, success maybe and financial independence. And also beeing truly me. But knowing the circumstances it is very difficult in the moment and it will come with time ( I hope).

Have you ever met someone who had a very similar personality to your own? Did you get along? Yes and yes. Was really funny and interesting.

Do opposites attract? Yes they do, otherwise magnetism would be just a fluke.

Is your life what you expected it would be five years ago? No not at all. But that’s the nice things about life, always surprising.

Do you know what you want out of life? Being me the most possible, also being truthful and honest.

What makes a person ‘good’? Are you a ‘good person’? Having courage and being kind. Not fully, is anyone really? It depends on which side you act on.

What fundamentally matters do you? Love, success, peace and joy to be super cliche.

Is freewill an illusion? I dunno, if it wouldn’t be at least it would be a good illusion. But I guess there are also some rules and laws that restrict freewill. Maybe we’re also living in a matrix, who knows.

Do you create art? How do you define art? Yes I do create art. For me it is in everyday life, like in poetry, beauty, romance. It can be anything, and it is the thing we stay alive for (like Robin Williams once said).

How often do you lie? Is all lying inherently bad? Are you generally truthful? Generally I am truthful, though sometimes I lie so I won’t hurt other people and I also lie to myself sometimes which is the worst I think.

Do you want to be remembered after your death? What for? I dunno, maybe by just the people who are close to me. And I think for being me the best way possible, having courage and being kind.

Is true world peace ever possible? No, I don’t think so.

Do you have to suffer to truly understand the human condition? What is the human condition? How can you really experience it? Ugh I dunno. I guess to experience it is to live.

Are you free? Will you ever be? Can anyone be truly free? I feel free, not hundert percent but very. But I think no one can be truly free, cause that implies living with no law etc. and that is impossible or not wanted at least.

Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others? Yes, meaning I am my worst critic. But otherwise no, I’m no better than anyone else.

What do you expect from a friend or partner? Being truthful, good listener, understanding, trustworthy, kind, humourfull, accepting, tolerant.

What question could you ask to find out the most about a person? How do you see yourself?

Do you justify all your beliefs or have you just inherited/absorbed some?

No, def inherited and absorbed some as well.

Which beliefs do you have that is most likely to be wrong? I dunno tbh, nothing comes to my mind this minute.

Can human really understand the complete nature of the universe, space and time? No, I believe it goes behind our understanding. And maybe it is nice for a chance to now know everything in the world.

Is a conscious what makes someone a person? Yes, at least it plays a part in it.

What do you think about artificial intelligence? It is a very handy, interesting tool. Of course useful, but should be treated careful, cause it also can be dangerous as it is offering unlimited possibilities almost.

Do you thinks humans are obsessed with escapism (books, video games, movies, etc.)? Are you looking for an escape? Do you think that’s a bad thing? Yes I think so, esp. during the recent times during Corona. We all need escape from time to time and it is nice. I don’t think it is a bad thing, I escape into books. As long as it is in an healthy relation to your real life.

Are we eventually going to ‘run out’ of new combinations for music, art, language, etc.? Is there a limit to human creativity? No I don’t think so. But would be interesting to know or at least to try to find it out

What do you think the next era of music will be like? Different than this one.

What do you think the next era of fashion will be like? Same as 59.

Do we live in tumultuous times, or do they just seem so strange because we’re living in them? I think they seem so strange cause we live in them.

Would you want to meet a clone of yourself? Would you like them? No I don’t want to meet any.

How confident are you, really? I would say very. But not too much, an healthy amount.

How consistent is your perception of time? It varies tbh but mainyl consistent.

What age should people be allowed to vote? Should children and teenagers be allowed to vote? Age 16 seems right. But I mean in Germany you’re allowed to vote with 18, so I guess this is a good age as well. Children no, they don’t understand politics.

How do you feel about the idea ‘an eye for an eye’? A bit weird as it can lead to many misinterpretations in harmful ways.

What’s the worse thing a person can be? Being unkind and simply rude, a monster.

How do you feel about monogamy? Interesting, and I mean isn’t it the concept of marriage? To marry someone for live until death parts them.

Can you be in love with someone and still fall in love with someone else? Yes I think so.

What’s the tragedy of your life? So far that my grandmother died and didn’t get to see all the milestones of her grandchildren.

Would your life make a good play? Maybe, I dunno.

Should people be prosecuted for crimes that weren’t considered crimes at the time? No. But I can’t fully judge that.

Would you fight for your country? Do you feel a sense of loyalty to your nation? A bit yes. But I see myself more as a citizen of the world.

Do you believe in gender equality in every aspect? Yes. It should be a given.  

Do we have a moral obligation to care for others? To what extent? Yes I do, for the people that cared for me. I guess give back what they gave to me, unless it harms you or your family/friends too much.

Do you crave approval and/or praise? Sometimes yes. Not all the time though.

Is there comedy in all tragedy and tragedy in all comedy? Depends.

Are you ever going to be satisfied? No I don’t think so. But depends what kind of satisfied as there can be different ones.

When you are sad, do you listen to music that conveys your emotions or music that makes you happy? First music that conveys my emotions and than something that makes me happy.

Is your music organised by mood or sensation or do you just listen to everything at any time? Everything at any time.

Would you marry a friend if they needed you to (e.g. for citizenship)? If it is a very good friend of mine yes..

Are you a deep person? Yes, 1000%.

Given the chance to live your life on Mars, with no hope of returning to Earth but with the promise of scientific discovery and glory, would you take it? I would think about it and maybe yes.

Are you who people think you are? I dunno how good people know me, but I would like to think no.

Do you think you would be happier if you had been born a different gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity, nationality or religion? No I don’t think so, pretty happy with my life so far.

What’s your toxic trait? Are you trying to improve yourself and fix it? Biting my nails and I should start fixing it.

Do you anger easily? No.

Are you a jealous person? No. But depends on the subject.

If you lost all your memories, would you have the same personality? No.

Given the chance to reset your life (with none of the knowledge you currently have), would you take it? No.

Is hate as strong as love? Who do you hate? Yes but very different. Atm no one really, I try to stop hating people as it is just nasty business and takes a lot of energy.

Do you speak multiple languages? Which do you dream in? What language would you want to learn?

Yes, I speak English, German and Chinese. I dream mostly in German, sometimes English and I would love to learn Italian, a bit more Chinese and maybe Hebrew.

Do you draw meaning from your dreams, or do you disregard them? Yes sometimes I do.

How would you describe yourself when you love? Do you love forcefully, unconditionally, gently, quietly, desperately? Unconditionally, gently, quietly.

Is unrequited love real love? No, as it is one sided. But then again someone feels love so I guess it can be real.

Is your perception of yourself similar or the same to how others perceive you? I dunno, tbh I don’t think so, but I don’t care that much. As long as I know who I am, I’m good.

Are you overly analytical? Usually yes. I think and analyse all the time, sometimes more, sometimes less.

Do you ever feel that you are really a terrible person, and only act good out of societal or some other obligation? Rarely.

Do you believe in magic? Are you superstitious? I believe in magic but I am not superstitious.

What belief do you have that isn’t logically grounded, but you still firmly believe in? I belive that life has its way of showing you whats good and not good for you and it leads you in the right direction. What you make of it, is your responsibility (to a certain degree, many things just happen you cannot be responsible for) and it does not have to be the right time as well. But I believe in a greater power and that in the end everything will be fine, otherwise it is not the end.

[sparklefayritalemoda]

Woah it’s been so long since I wrote something here. Didn’t even know anymore that I did this kinda journal. Also kind of weird to write my thoughts out this much in the open for everyone to read. But I guess no one knows about this Journal thing (yet) so I’m fine. And either way it’s not like I’m feeling things no one else does. It’s always surprises me how similar we feel things and experience stuff. Of course everyone feels different in the end but in general speaking often we feel the same. So this is nothing special just a look inside my brain or whatever. But what a year it has been so far. Woah. Things happened that no one really expected to happen and so much changed. The world is somehow still the same but so much shifted as well. A virus has us in its grasp and all we can do in the end is wait and be patient while few try to save the world. Hopefully it works out in the end. And also the losses we had to endure. Personally I struggled a lot this year especially in the beginning, mainly because I lost someone very, very dear to me. For the first time I had to learn how to live with a broken heart that won’t heal anymore and I’m still learning. To say the least it sucks. I truly feel like I could never be fully happy anymore and I know no matter what nothing will change it, and with time it will only gets worse with more losses to come. I really want to make the damn time stop or reverse it to change certain things. I was and am still so lost, like I truly don’t know where to go and what to do next. I lost all my inspiration and motivation and only starting to find it again. And that people changed is not helping at all as well as the circumstances. Life is so much tougher than imagined and it blows my mind every time. But so far I would say I’m doing pretty great and I at least overcame the struggles of beginning of this year. It was a lot to handle as I guess it was for everyone and I can only imagine what will come next. Can’t believe that we made it through this year, that I made it so far cause I had serious doubts along the way. But I guess that shows that life is a miracle and a wonder itself, that in the end you can’t plan anything, you’ll never have 100% certainty we know very little or at least less than we thought.

[sparklefayritalemoda]

Angst

for some reason I'm afraid of everything and anything. I want to achieve so many things in my life, I pictured the life I want to live and I want it with all my might, like I would almost do anything to become a Design Director preferably at a Fashion Magazine and to be over specific at ELLE. I love ELLE, not just because it's the nickname of my dad or the first part of my last name, but they do amazing things and their coverage is really nice & interesting. However I am beyond afraid, that I won't be able to achieve it. Like people always say it's so difficult and every designer dreams to become something like an art or creative director. And I don't know if I have what it takes to get there. I am afraid of dreaming to big, to be too unrealistic of what I can achieve and super afraid of not getting there. I think I'm just average and nothing too special which is probably the wrong mindset and won't get me anywhere. It's my ultimate goal, I want to connect Design and fashion, because both are things I love to do. I was always interested in fashion and before I started studying I wanted to become a fashion journalist. But then the jobs are not that great so so changed to design and grew to love it. Anyhow I think I'm not pushing myself enough. I need to remind myself that I'm not average and I need to start to kick some ass. People always say nowadays it's getting easier and easier to become famous or to make one voice heard. I just think it became harder and harder by any day. There are so many blogs out there now, there is not a topic left which haven't been covered. Everyone on Instagram is basically the same and everything just happens so fast, almost too fast. I want to have a blog, but I don't know about what, cause there is nothing super new. Just a new interpretation of something that's already been there. And that fact sort of makes me hopeless somehow, I dunno. And it makes it difficult to rise or kick some ass, cause there are so many! And it's hard not to be average. I don't want to be average, I wanna achieve my goals, cause that's what I set myself up for. Alone the idea of being the Design Director at ELLE or any other magazine, company makes me beyond excited and if I could I would start tomorrow right away. It's just the fear's not helping and sometimes it gets the best of me & I don't know what to do then. I'll have to work so hard and be truly me while dressed well. I will work out a master plan of things I have to do to get where I want to be. And I need to do internships. Like Brigitte or bonprix. Might not be 100% design agency but I didn't want to do that anyway. In the end I want to live in New York and work at ELLE or I don't know what. Dream big or go home I guess.

[sparklefayritalemoda]

I have this one cousin (she's not really my cousin, like 3rd degree cousin or however you call that but anyway it doesn't matter) & she owns a real cool restaurant. Her dad's family started it and now it's like the 4th generation kind of thing, I dunno. I'm not there often, however sometimes people stop by who know the restaurant forever and one lady visits it since 1980, at least waay back. And she was taking about it, how little has changed and that she loves the fact that there's a restaurant you can go to and you feel like home, like you actually wanna spend time there and not just eat your dinner. That got me thinking. I won't be able to say that. Cause when I'm old I'm pretty sure that the restaurant won't be there anymore, for whatever reason. Cause times are changing so fast, you don't even know how to handle it. At least I dunno how to, sometimes it makes me feel too lost. Everything is just hard sometimes. And everything can be gone in a moment, you know that for certain things their time will be over one day or another & there's nothing you can do about it. So to come back to that restaurant: I'll never be able to say that I visit there since way back cause when I'll be old it will be gone. And even though I get it and I'm fine with it, it makes me sort of sad. Cause I realized I'll never have a thing where I can say I visited since way back. I'll never be a able to take my children to a place and be like, I've known this place for ages cause nowadays nothing last. Ok nothing in life lasts ever, it has been that way since I dunno. But nowadays everything is over so fast, compared to the days back. We all live way faster, we love way faster and we forget faster and I dunno what. I feel like the older you get the faster you loose time and the faster you'll get closer to the day of your death. And if you think about it: time is a concept we human beings created, it is not naturally really there. So how can we loose something we don't really have in the first place?

[sparklefayritalemoda]

I tend to forget my achievements and focus on the bad things.

So I guess I didn't appreciate myself not enough and even though October is a wonderful month I sort of hated it. I lost friends and realized that I am on my own, even though I have family, friends and a good life. I felt like sometimes I could just vanish and no one would notice. I felt totally unimportant to everyone, had various panick attacks and all that scared me big time. I was afraid of everything (I guess you can call it anxiety) and that kept me from achieving things this month. I hold myself back, which was a mistake in the end, which I just noticed recently. I didn't know how to handle it, still don't, so I decided to get help. Not that easy as it sounds like, but I'm on it and I'm getting better. I also watched a movie called Lucky. And one quote stuck with me:

"We come in alone and we’re going out alone. It’s beautiful. Alone comes from two words. “All.” “One.” It’s in the dictionary." (Lucky).

This quote stucks with me still cause it's so true. And it gives me sort of comfort, when I feel like I'm the only one who's feeling lost and alone. It's ok to feel that way from time to time , because we were born this way and will leave this way as well. To wrap it up, October was a tough month and I'm glad it's over (cause that means christmas is around the corner) but I'm also afraid of what will come next. I hope that I can handle it, but to be honest I think I will be just fine in the end.

[sparklefayritalemoda]

‘I crave you in the most innocent form. I crave to say good night, and give you forehead kisses, and to say that I adore you when you feel at your worst. I crave you in ways where I just want to be next to you; nothing more or less.’

- found it in a Rizzles fanfic, just beautiful (via cocoever)