#tldr; accept when your story's over and move on | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

laniusbignaturals · 4 months

Note

OBSESSED with your posts 💗💖💗🐥 do you think edward & joshua grew to be the men that they are due to their upbringing? when looking at them both, i’m reminded of leopold & loeb and how much of their wealth and sense of superiority played into the assholes they became—and why they ultimately believed they could get away with committing the perfect crime

this doesn’t make much sense sorry lol but the tldr; i’d love to read your thoughts on these two bone heads and their parents 💗

Content Warning: discussion of cult tactics, abuse, neglect, infanticide and general harm unto infants, pregnancy complications, emotional inc*st and inappropriate age gaps. This is also just a complicated read with a lot of moving parts, so be prepared for that.

No need to apologize! That’s a very astute comparison. If there’s a deviation between Leopold & Loeb and Edward & Joshua in terms of their social background, it would probably be that the former (to my knowledge) grew up in similar environments, while Edward and Joshua were raised in ostensibly very different cultures which they coalesced into one far more monstrous entity.

“Ostensibly” is carrying a lot of weight there. The Followers don’t necessarily embody these qualities, but historically, academia in the west has represented a font of organized racism and misogyny, legitimizing and promoting ideas that we nowadays look back on as cruel and ridiculous, like phrenology and such. (I fully accepted the popular hc of Edward’s family being from the ruins of USC partly for this reason, on top of the Trojans reference.) The fact that Caesar sprung from the only organized academic body in the wasteland can be taken as a continuation of that ugly tradition, and the Mormon Church’s ties to colonialism and it’s status as a modern day cult speak for themselves. Honest Hearts doesn’t engage with Mormonism critically, so the way Joshua’s upbringing in such a setting impacted him has to be inserted by us the players.

There’s a few articles you can read about the practices that make the modern day Mormon church a cult, and the impact these practices have on children raised in this environments. But some core tenants that seem relevant to Joshua’s growth are the instillment of fear and uncertainty into every aspect of one’s life, especially family and community, the hyperfocus on “cleaning” (both physically, to ensure members are always busy, and mentally/spiritually, as an exercise in paralyzing self-doubt,) and of course a tremendous amount of restriction placed on gender and sexual expression from an early age.

And this is draconian institutional abuse, not responsibility or healthy self-reflection or what have you. It’s a small wonder Joshua has something of a martyr complex when we meet him in-game: having been brought up in an environment that encouraged close surveillance over all human impulses, no matter how natural or innocuous, and never experienced a version of accountability that wasn’t a smokescreen for torture and control, all his desires need to be neatly wrapped up in diversion and justification to avoid giving credence to the idea that he’s sullied, disgusting, subhuman, unworthy of love. These themes of being taught that the loss of autonomy is virtuous/necessary so that the sufferer begins to perpetuate it themselves, and of being perpetually denied stability in spite of a seemingly endless mandate of labor, are the ones that I try to carry over into his mother’s story.

Her name is Dinah Graham, née Gardner. I work on her characterization with @dustwhirlsandrainbows. She has five co-wives.

She was very close with her mother, whose name was Madeline Gardner (née Talmage.) She, along with the rest of the community, raised Dinah to idealize a version of motherhood that revolved around obedience, self-sacrifice and participation in the colonial machine. Dinah’s mother died as a result of pregnancy complications, (as many women and children do in Quiverfull-esc religious sects,) altering but not deconstructing the way her daughter engaged with the edicts of their community.

Like her mother, Dinah got married at a very young age. She named her firstborn daughter after her mother: Joshua was her second child. She was close with her husband’s second wife Abigail, who struggled with her fertility, but by the time the third Rebecca came along her husband was beginning to be less considerate towards her, which caused contention between them. The fourth abandoned New Canaan, to be subsequently treated like she’d never existed, and the fifth wed Mr. Graham when she was a teenager. He married the sixth soon after Joshua founded The Legion, which should tell you something about the way Mr. Graham related to his children.

Joshua bonded less with his father and more with his maternal Grandfather, Dinah’s dad and Madeline’s widower. He also becomes closer with his second-to-last stepmother Elizabeth after he returns from the burning: since he left New Canaan when her children were infants, they weren’t as affected by their relation to a war criminal as his other half/step siblings. She also had personal history which made her particularly sympathetic to his plight, but that’s another post. I usually use Laura Galán of “Piggy” as a fancast for her in her youth.

Ingrid Torelli of “Late Night With The Devil” is a good representation of how I imagine Dinah in her youth, especially with the off-putting, ragdollish body language. She’s playing a 13 year old here, but the actress is 18. Dinah was in that age range when she got married to Mr. Graham, who was a couple years older than her. Saint Olga of Kyiv bears a close resemblance to her in adulthood: fittingly, since she’s the patron saint of defiance, defense and vengeance.

Wives were offered to men in New Canaan as rewards for good service to the church, and conversely, to be married to an accomplished clergyman was considered an achievement for young girls. As such, Mr. Graham was generally inattentive to the welfare of his family, and put his myriad of children and step-children into the position of constantly competing for his attention and favor, which was connected to their social life external to the household by virtue of his own status. The vastness of their family is part of the reason why Joshua always references them in such nondescript terms: he had siblings, half siblings, aunts, uncles, stepmothers and step-grandparents, etc. His children suffered as a result of the infighting, resentment and awkwardness between their mothers, and some of them came into the family with pre-existing issues which caused them to lash out at the other kids.

(For example, during Rebecca’s previous marriage, her youngest child had been a victim of infanticide by a co-wife who was going through pregnancy induced psychosis. The incident caused her then-husband, Mr.Ballard, to abandon New Canaan, opening Rebecca up to be wed again. Her two surviving children, Jobe and Ethel, were left severely traumatized, and Jobe actually pressed Joshua’s hand to a hot pan when they were both still young. He’s become less aggressive by the time Joshua returns from the Legion, but his actions are re-contextualized by Joshua’s botched execution, so. There’s that.)

Here’s a good representation of Joshua’s relationship with his daddy.

It’s also an excellent segue into talking about Edward!

So there’s a theory that the breakdown of Joshua and him’s three decade long relationship was due in part to Edward’s personality changing from his untreated brain tumor. And while that idea makes the storyline more interesting, I think the game offers a more explicit example of a shift in Edward’s neurology within his stated backstory. The implication of Caesar’s mother taking him to The Boneyard after his father’s death is that whatever home they had been living in was destroyed in the same incident. Raiders don’t attack for no reason - maybe they were landholders. The loss of that kind of generational wealth would certainly contribute to that sense of aggrieved entitlement we see Edward display so aggressively in game. Growing up in the Boneyard, he wouldn’t have any direct connection to whatever rural culture they’d previously been apart of, except that which he would get through his mother. Maybe that’s where his need to assert himself as a supreme intellect comes from: insecurity about the fact that his people were (in his mind) uncultured and uneducated.

But the transition from one setting to another is less important than the circumstances in which that transition occurred. Having a parent killed and a home destroyed, then being taken on foot to another settlement by the remaining one, would represent an extreme disruption to the established patterns of safety in which infants are supposed to exist. “Neural development occurs most rapidly in early childhood and is shaped by experience,”and reactions to trauma in small children with limited expressive & defensive capacities are markedly similar to signs of cognitive impairment in adults: symptoms like the loss of previously established movement and language skills, detachment from & disinterest in their surroundings, appearing “frozen” or sustained periods of blank staring, sleeplessness and nightmares, etc.

The sleep one is sticking with me. Insomnia can cause brain damage even in adults subjects, and babies with undeveloped brains are far more vulnerable to serious consequences from such disruptions. Consistency and routine are also important to a young child’s ability to rest: not only having it disrupted by an incident of violence, but being uprooted and taken to a new place in the immediate aftermath, could’ve severely damaged his ability to cope with the stress of that situation as it was happening, let alone in the years afterwards.

And that’s why I think going through something that would’ve been taxing & traumatizing for a grown adult as a baby with an extremely delicate brain is much more likely to have had an adverse impact on Edward’s neuroanatomy - and subsequently changed his personality for the worse on a physiological level - than a tumor that popped up when he was well into manhood. It’s difficult to ascertain, since two year old children don’t have full personalities in the first place. He essentially lives his whole life in the aftermath of that event.

These two themes - of the psychological interplaying with the physiological, and of growing up in reaction to traumatic experiences that preceded all other sense of identity - are the ones that I try to carry over into my writing for his mother. There’s also comparison & contrast made between Edward’s family and Joshua’s, my attempt to explore how people in vastly different situations can end up in similar circumstances. A key difference is that the Grahams are much more thoroughly influenced by their community and extended family, while the Sallows are more self-contained.

I call Edward’s mother Clarice. I’ve put down a frankly obscene amount of plotting, backstory, and analysis for her (and her associates,) but very little actual writing, unfortunately. Her full name is Clarice Belinda Sallow. She was born to Earl Sallow and his then girlfriend Lola on a ranch not far from the dilapidated USC campus, on October 28th of 2189, the same year the NCR was founded. A charming but emotionally unstable philanderer, Earl had several other illegitimate children by various women, but he didn’t pay any of them half the attention he paid Clarice. Clarice was Earl’s only daughter, and as such he (subconsciously) saw her birth as an opportunity to mold a woman from scratch, suited to his needs and incapable of abandoning him. Lola fled the family when Clarice was a toddler on account of Earl’s habitual adultery and intense jealousy, leaving her to be raised exclusively by her father. She spent her childhood performing the duties of a wife, tending the ranch, cooking and cleaning, washing and mending, etc.

Though Earl never SA’d his daughter, his emotional attachment to her was wildly inappropriate. He leaned on her for support, barred her from an outside education, and kept her largely isolated from other children, especially boys. He also dictated the clothes she wore, her spending habits and personal interests, and kept her on her toes with guilt trips and episodes of rage. The most aggressive of these incidents was when Clarice got her first boyfriend at the age of fourteen. When her father found out, he threatened her in extremely graphic terms which I can’t repeat on tumblr, and assaulted the kid she’d been dating.

Earl died after a grueling battle with spinal cancer in 2209, when Clarice was twenty years old. The last year of his life was painful and lonely, and he had little contact with anyone but Clarice. (This sounds cathartic on paper, but the legacy of this period is just further damage to his daughter’s mental health, so. Don’t cheer too loud.) In the aftermath of her father’s passing, Clarice was severely distraught, lacking a tangible identity after spending her formative years so devoted to one man. She fell in with Earl’s friend and neighbor, a carpenter named Frank Abendroth (nicknamed “Roth”) who managed his affairs after his death. Roth ended up abandoning his own family and bringing Clarice with him to a settlement in the north. There, he took a second mistress, an east coast transplant named Vanessa.

Roth and other businessmen in the USC area had had a handshake agreement with the local NCR which allowed them to store raw materials like lumber off the books, so they couldn’t be taxed for importing them. Roth assumed that the authorities in the north operated on the same terms. They didn’t, and he was arrested for customs fraud and sent to prison when Clarice was about twenty one. She found out she was pregnant with his child soon before, but was spared having to tell him by his arrest, and Vanessa helped her get an abortion. Together, the two girls went in search of Clarice’s oldest brother Paul, who was living in a flophouse in a semi-urban mining town. They moved in with him and quickly became enmeshed with his friend group, which included a bounty hunter, his wife, and her longtime friend, a native of the Boneyard named Roy Tillman.

(Never thought I’d get the chance to post this incredibly niche meme, but here you go.)

Leaving out some major life events for brevity (and because I might end up changing them,) Clarice eventually married Roy, and they settled on her father’s ranch before it was burned down. Theirs was a common law marriage, since Roy had already legally married someone else when he was younger, though they’d long since separated. That, (and the fact that property ownership in the wasteland is easier to prove when you share the surname of the former owner,) is why Edward has his mom’s last name.

Roy was something of a slimeball, being influenced largely by the opportunistic bastard trope and a willingness to tacitly profit off of, if not participate in, unjust systems. He spent a long time working as a moonshiner, outselling his competitors by producing cheap rotgut liquor. He met Paul when the latter was a bouncer at a dogfighting ring where he liked to gamble. His first love, the bounty hunters wife, had been a victim of labor trafficking, and Clarice also had unusually low standards as a result of her past. But whatever else Roy was, he was also markedly less dangerous and unpleasant than his male peers, causing Clarice to see him through rose tinted glasses and feel as if she owed him something. She gave birth to Edward when she was thirty five, and died of cancer around the age of fifty seven.

On that note, fun fact about the USC area: they, as a community, consumed irradiated food in huge quantities. For some families, it was all they ever ate. This practice began before the NCR was around to incentivize widespread sharecropping and educate wastelanders on the specific dangers of an irradiated diet. USC was landlocked and ecologically devastated, with the remnants of pre-war urbanization making it difficult to institute sustainable livestock farming. So eating radioactive food with every meal started out as a matter of desperation, when the area was still widely impoverished. By the time Clarice was in her teens, the practice had evolved into more of a rural masculinity ritual, the sort of habit meant to affect that one was tough and down to earth, (like beer, whiskey and meat in the South.) Earl partook, and he taught Clarice to partake, and Edward came out of Clarice.

That’s why they all get cancer.

As other people have discussed, Edward’s father’s murder at the hands of raiders and the destruction of their pastoral, patriarchally inherited land makes for excellent propaganda, and he’s used to using those events as a rhetorical tool when trying to recruit people. On an emotional level, Edward tends to look on his father with ambivalence or active disgust. To be killed in a failed attempt to defend their home, leaving his son in the care of a woman who was significantly younger and weaker than him, is a massive blow to the image of the kind of man Edward would like to believe he came from.

His relationship with his mother started out stable if not healthy, but became more fraught as he entered his teens. From the start, Clarice was deeply afraid of recreating the pseudo-incestuous bond her father had with her, especially after Roy was killed and they were left a family of two, much like she and Earl had been. Lacking positive examples of what parenting should look like, she embraced an authoritarian style of motherhood with firmly delineated parent-child roles, and had periods of neglect and abusiveness, like breaking/hitting things in rage when he was around or giving him alcohol to put him to sleep. Though these behaviors cooled as Clarice got older, and her life become more anchored, Edward resented his mother’s growing inability to (in his mind) justify her misgivings as a domestic authority by remaining a strong, imposing figure worthy of obedience. Part of the reason he accepted the assignment to the Grand Canyon was because Clarice was nearing the end of her life, and he didn’t want to be around for her demise.

Clarice’s face is square, and like her son she has a hooked nose, broad shoulders, brown eyes and blonde hair - a combination which is very difficult to find representation for when hunting for fancasts. But Olga Mironova in “Come And See” looks similar to her, as well as Leah from TLOU2, Kirsten Dunst in “Melancholia,” and Tammy Barnes from Far Cry 5. The woman in the black and white photograph is Andrei Tarkovsky’s mother. (Final image is from this gif)

#asks #joshua graham #edward sallow #roberthouse69 #oc: Dinah #oc: Clarice #oc: roy #wasteland #worldbuilding #new canaan #USC

27 notes · View notes

minniedaisies · 1 year

Text

your starlight

tldr. when you moved into your new apartment, your neighbor gave you his number and said to call anytime. what better "anytime" than 3am during a thunderstorm, right?

♫ song insp. forever star - zhang yi hao

❤ pairing. jungkook x f. reader

☁ genre. comfort and sweetness. do i write anything else lol

➷ warnings. drinking and cursing

✎ word count. 1522

彡 note. hope you all have been well. please enjoy!

It’s three in the morning and another crack of thunder makes you whimper, pulling the covers over your head in hopes that the plush down comforter will do something to drown out the sounds of the storm raging outside your bedroom window. You know it’s silly, you’re a grown adult after all. But thunderstorms have always scared you, and this is only your first week in your new apartment alone.

If you were back in your dorm with your roommate, it’d be another story. Ali was always so good and understanding. She’d have sat up with you, rubbed a manicured hand across your tense shoulder blades, fixed you tea, put on your favorite movie to watch together. But university was a thing of the past. You were on your own now, and there was no one here to comfort you or chase away the thunder with soft touches.

Another loud boom of thunder an you reach for your phone on your nightstand. You don’t know anyone in this area to call except for one person; your neighbor probably peacefully sleeping just on the wall behind you. You take a deep breath, feeling suddenly very self-conscious. He had said on the day you’d moved in that you were welcome to call him any time, day or night. You’d smiled politely, accepting his number and thanking him with a smile. It’d probably been a formality. He’d simply been neighborly and that was all. Surely he didn’t truly mean you were allowed to call him any time day or night. Surely he wouldn’t appreciate a phone call from his scaredycat neighbor who couldn’t even get through a thunderstorm, right?

A flash of lightening, and before you knew it, you were pressing his name on your screen: JEON JUNGKOOK.

As it rang, images of his soft brown hair and big brown eyes flashed through your head. He’d just come in from working out when he’d stopped you on the stairs to help you carry the box you were struggling with. He’d been wearing an oversized black t-shirt and smelled of sweat and soap and his brown hair had stuck to his forehead and curled damply along the nape of his neck. You’d had butterflies from first glance. And when his front teeth had rested boyishly on his plush bottom lip, you’d been a goner.

“Hello?” A voice sounds on the other end, far too chipper for 3am.

“Um, hi. Jungkook? This is Y/N.”

“Hiii!” He drawls, the recognition clear in his voice. “What’s up?”

Okay, waaay too chipper for 3am.

“This is embarrassing.”

“What is it, Y/N?” His voice suddenly grows serious, “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Everything’s fine, I suppose. I just…I am having a hard time with the storm.”

“Oh. Is it the thunder?”

“Yeah. I know, embarrassing, right. What kind of grown…”

“No, no!” He is quick to interrupt, “One of my friends is the same way. It’s fine, Y/N. Do you want me to come over?”

“I didn’t wake you up, did I?”

“Nah, my sleep schedule is all kinds of fucked. I usually don’t hit the hay until at least four. I can be over in five minutes. You got whiskey?”

You blink. “Jungkook. I just moved in a few days ago. I barely have Cheerios.”

“Right,” Jungkook chuckles, “Alright, I’ll bring the whiskey. See you in a minute, Y/N.”

You hang up, and mortifyingly realize that you are in your pajamas and Jungkook will be here in just a few short minutes. Flying out of bed, you give yourself a once-over in your dresser mirror. Your pastel donut nightshirt glares back at you, mockingly. As if on cue, there is a soft knock on your front door. Well, donuts will have to do, you suppose. You rake a hand through your untamed, sleep-mussed mane before hurrying to the door to answer.

Jungkook stands on the other side, a soft oversized grey shirts hangs off his frame. His dark curls are prominent and full and his eyes don’t contain a single drop of sleep. There’s a glass bottle of an amber-colored liquid in his hand.

“Hi-ya,” he says happily, lifting the whiskey bottle a little, “I come bearing gifts.”

You open the door wider and allow him to step inside.

“I am so sorry about this,” You cringe, leading him towards the kitchen where your cardboard boxes marked DRINKWARE sit in a maze on the floor. “About the mess an about calling you at 3am.”

“Hey, it’s no problem, Y/N. Like I said, my sleep schedule is fucked. I was just sitting up watching some YouTube videos. You’ll be much better company.”

You smile, unwrapping two glasses from their newspaper protection, and pass them to him. He pours two drinks and slides on to you. You take a sip. You were never much for whiskey, but whatever it Jungkook’s brought over goes down smooth and sweet and rich and warm.

“Would you be okay with sitting with me a minute?” You ask.

“Of course.”

Jungkook grabs the bottle and the two of you head to your couch. You sit cross-legged across from him on the couch, tugging the donut shirt down in between your legs for some semblance of modesty. Jungkook takes another sip of whiskey.

Another clap of thunder makes you jolt and Jungkook t’sks. “C’mere,” he says, opening his arm slightly, offering you a safe spot to tuck into. You pause, wondering if you really should. But a flash of lightening answers that for you, and you find yourself pressed into his side. He is warm and soft and his arm comes down to hold you gently against his side.

“It’s okay,” he whispers soothingly, a hand coming up to play with the curls at your back, “You’re okay, Y/N. It’s just a bit of thunder, nothing to be afraid of. I’m right here. I’ve got you.”

You relax into his side, breathing in the comforting scent of lavender laundry fabric softener.

“I am so embarrassed,” you say, trying to cover your face with your hands.

“Don’t be,” Jungkook implores, “My hyung will kill me for saying this, but he’s scared of thunder too. Can’t stand it. When it storms, he’s always gotta sleep in our hyung’s bed. And he’s almost thirty! You’re never too old to be scared of things.”

“What are you scared of, Jungkook?”

“Crowds.”

“How do you cope with that?” You ask curiously.

Jungkook giggles softly, “I sing.”

“What?” You sit up slightly.

“Yup! I’m a singer. I love performing, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t get shy in big crowds. But being up on stage helps, especially when I’m performing with my hyungs. It’s fine to be scared of stuff, Y/N. But it’s better to have someone at your side to comfort you.”

“I’m glad you’re here, Jungkook. Thank you. Thank you for coming over and for sitting with me tonight.”

“Of course, Y/N,” he continues running his fingertips through your curls, “We’re neighbors, I’ll always be here. I meant it when I said you could call me day or night. I’ll always be here to comfort you.” You melt as his words, feeling nothing but warmth and safety in his arms.

“What do you say we fix another drink and I pull up YouTube on the TV and you can show me what videos you were up watching tonight.”

“Okay but you can’t laugh at me.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” you say as he pours more whiskey into the glasses.

You hand him the remote and he winces as he pulls up SpongeBob Top Ten Funny Moments.

You can’t help the giggle that breaks through.

“Hey! You swore you wouldn’t laugh!”

“That was before you pulled up Spongebob, weirdo,” you poke a finger into his stomach and he flinches with a soft giggle.

“Okay, you can laugh at my taste in YouTube videos, but I draw the line at tickling.”

“Fair enough.”

Jungkook starts up the video, leaning back against the couch and pulling you back under his embrace. You nestle into his side, letting the soft fabric of his t-shirt caress your cheek. Outside the thunder crashes and the lightening strikes, but you don’t pay the storm outside any mind. You know you’re safe in his arms and nothing can harm you.

Tomorrow the sun will shine and everything will smell of petrichor and wet grass. You don’t know it yet, but Jungkook will invite you over for breakfast and you’ll sip OJ at his counter while he flips pancakes and tells you about himself and you’ll steal nibbles of fresh-cut strawberries as you tell him about you. Tomorrow night you’ll walk to the cafe down the street holding hands as if you’ve done so a thousand times before, and when you get whipped cream from your vanilla latte on your upper lip, he’ll wipe it away with a kiss as soft as snowflakes.

Tonight though, you lean into his side and think to yourself how this is the first night since moving in that this place has truly felt like home.

#bts x reader #bts imagine #bts au #bts scenario #bts fanfic #bts fluff #jeon jungkook #writing #jungkook x reader #jungkook fanfic #jungkook fluff #jungkook imagine

132 notes · View notes

itsashowtime · 11 months

Note

What kind of personality does Toshi have and what backstory?

I am still in the process of fleshing out his story but! Here's what I have so far...

(Art by: Aixen )

Japanese Name: 時紫雨花

Surname: Toshi 時紫 (violet hour)

First Name: Ukuwa (rain flower)

Alias: White Rabbit (By most), Eighty-Six (By Sho after they breakup)

Birthday: June 8

Age: 19

Gender: Cis Male

Height: 190cm (6'2")

Noise Form: Jackalope Cantus

Trivia/facts:

I designed him next to Rindou so they looked super hot together but then Shou swiped him like the asshole he is - I have yet to play Neo so maybe UkuRin will be able to recover but rn the Shou living rent free in my brain doesn't seem to want to share

I made Ukuwa's motif Hydrangea after a trip to the Hydrangea Shrine.

He's extremely picky about food and drink tempretures, like, it has to be just right or he'll tear you a new one

Loves Chai flavour

Every barista's nightmare, he'll yell at you if you don't pay attention to his laundry list order

He fiddles with his ear piercings when he's nervous

He thumps his feet like a rabbit when he's pissed

The neediest fucking bottom

Personality

A hardworking, judgemental and esteemed horologist. Time means everything to Ukuwa and he always seems to be in a rush! He is nicknamed 'Shibuya's White Rabbit' since he is often spotted dashing around the streets mumbling about schedules.

Ukuwa is strict and harsh but especially towards himself. He hates relying on people and prefers to get things done on his own. He is extremely counter dependent. If absolutely necessary, he takes extreme care in picking who to have around. He mostly sees people as tools for his own convenience. He calls people 'cogs'.

He has a very good eye for art and is passionate about design. He doesn't get excited often but when it comes to art, that is the one time his eyes light up.

Ukuwa's character arc is about slowing down and embracing the moment, being able to acknowledge your progress, allowing yourself to accept help and allowing friendships with unconditional love to blossom.

Backstory

tldr; He is the CPTSD haver ever - Trigger warning for: child abuse, neglect, divorce

An only child who did not have his emotional needs met. Ukuwa was raised by an abusive, alcoholic father who was a electronics technician and a neglectful mother who was a highschool teacher. Both his parents had high expectations towards him right away. Failure to perform with the best outcome would result in: solitary confinement + hitting/whipping as punishment whether that be in school, house chores, or even going out. He has scars all over his hands as a result which is why he wears gloves all the time.

Ukuwa would be locked in an empty room after a rough beating to 'reflect on his actions' for hours, his only company being clocks. This is where his obsession with clocks started. Curious and bored, Ukuwa would start to disassemble clocks at a young age to figure out their workings. One could’ve gone insane, but Ukuwa was grateful that the clock would tell him when the pain was over and he could see the light again.

His parents divorced when he was in middle school, both of them getting newer partners with other children. This applied extra pressure onto him to perform well. Unfortunately, Ukuwa was often casted aside in favour of his step/half siblings. He is desperate to prove that he isn't a burden. In fact, that's a really big fear of his.

Ukuwa functions on guilt and shame. His fear of being a burden and a failure is what causes his workaholicism and lack of care towards himself. He pushes forward and only forward. He does not allow himself to rest. Time only moves forward, and so he wants to move only forward too.

This means that he's chronically counter dependent and refuses help when it is offered. He avoids connecting with people unless it's absolutely necessary and for business purposes. Because one less person to be around means one less person to be a burden and disappointment to.

Ukuwa saved up a lot as a child just to move out and to escape his family. Once he graduated from high school, he immediately moved out to Tokyo and has been living in a sharehouse.

He currently attends a college of jewelry in Shibuya, learning how to make clocks of all kinds. He is obsessed with Il Cavallo Del Re and dreams to design clothes and watches for them.

Now, I don't usually have my OCs getting TOO involved in canon but this is sort of an exception (though Ukuwa does not effect TWEWY mainplot) *puts hands together* So where does he fit into TWEWY? WELL-

One day, when he was rushing around mumbling about time and being late, he got caught up in a sinkhole and he dies. (Haha, ironic bc of his nickname which references the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland) He was already feeling terrible because his clock design didn't get included in this competition he had participated in.

But he lands himself in one of Minamimoto Shou's earlier Reaper Games. At this point, Shou hasn't discovered Taboo bullshittery. This game takes place a while before Neku comes along.

His entry fee was his concept of time. This means that he cannot even see the timer on his phone and can only recieve missions. Ukuwa is hyper vigilant (thanks cptsd). That means he's extra sensitive to light and sound. He has several clocks on him with different 'voices' that soothes him. Suddenly, he can't hear them anymore and that throws him off real bad.

He gets grabbed by a straight-for-pay lesbian hostess and party girl, Hana, admist the panic of Day 1. She grabs him because he looks 'reliable' and wealthy. (she was wrong. Ukuwa is gay and he only looks wealthy because the clothes he wears is what he designed and he's good with his hands)

Hana forms a pact with him, wanting to take advantage of him like she usually does with men because she treats them like wallets. Her entry fee was money, so she cannot spend money throughout the game and has to rely on stingy Ukuwa. Ukuwa has to rely on Hana to keep track of the time.

They start off pretty rocky at first because Ukuwa doesn't have patience for her antics and Hana gets frustrated by how Ukuwa is so careful with how he uses his money and how he doesn't seem to know how to have fun.

Ukuwa's pysch is cryokinesis. Because you know. Time has literally stopped for him. He can summon icicles and walls of ice. Hana has immense strength and smacks the shit out of noise with her purse. They become quite a good team throughout the week.

Ukuwa starts to enjoy the moment instead of trying to push forward and ignore his feelings, and Hana learns that partying and drinking won't solve all of her problems.

Tldr, he falls in love with Shou so hard and he already struggles with feelings of uselessness in the RG so he ends up becoming a reaper. Their relationship happens very quickly and it's veeeery toxic (but that's what makes it tasty)

If you wanna know the deets about UkuShou-

Ukuwa x Shou

Ukuwa is immediately intruged by Shou's trash heaps. The symbolism and the cynycism towards humans speaks out to him. It's the first time he really feels connection towards someone. The precision of the trash, how it's held up so sturdily and is obviously so deliberate is impressive to him. Hana tries to snag a piece of trash that looks useful as a weapon and Ukuwa yells at her and puts it back. He calls it an art installment.

He doesn't know that Shou is the artist behind the heaps. Not until the trash cat turns up anyways. He actually finds Shou insufferable and annoying at first. The yelling into the megaphone is pretty triggering to him and he doesn't hesitate to throw an icicle at Shou. When he finds out that Shou is the artist though, he can't help but grow more and more curious.

When Shou hears Ukuwa praising his art, he's pretty confused at first. He normally doesn't care if measly humans can't understand his art's brilliance and beauty, so hearing Ukuwa reading his piece like a book is different and a little unsettling. One part of him is happy? But the other part of him just doesn't want to admit that he's understood.

So throughout the week, he makes more unhinged art pieces and challenges Ukuwa to guess the symbolism and he denies how correct Ukuwa is every time. It's annoying how bright Ukuwa looks when he talks about his art. But it's also really endearing too.

Anyways, Shou grows curious about Ukuwa and it's a running theme that he tries to interrogate him in closed spaces like alleyways, the phonebooth of love (where they share their first kiss) and changing rooms. They bicker, argue, talk about art, the mission, etc.

Ukuwa is a stupid baby gay and he starts seeing Shou as a person and he starts to understand and speak in maths lingo too. Shou becomes so fascinating and beautiful to him so he makes the extra effort to get to know him. He has the biggest crush and Hana notices too- Even trying to set them up in her own silly way.

I should prolly mention that I hc that Shou is colourblind and has protanomaly colour blindness (weak to red/green) and like.

Shou vision Ukuwa is vibrant and pretty it's insane.

I fully agree with Kiga's Shou HC and I think Shou had his art criticized in the past due to his questionable colour choices which lead to him making more sculpture stuff than paint. ANYWAYS-

Shou eventually accepts that he is understood by Ukuwa and by the time it's day 7, he realizes that actually, he kinda doesn't want Ukuwa to die in his hands. Luckily, Shibuya's Reaper's Game rules at this point aren't exactly solid yet and Shou being Shou finds loopholes. On the last day, there are a few surviving duos that reach the top of Pork City to fight Leo Cantus. This is when Ukuwa tosses humanity right out the window and he essentially erases all remaining players aside from himself and his partner Hana.

He's under the impression that one of them will have to die so he tells Shou that he'll gladly 'give him his movement' and die in his hands, but Shou cannot bring himself to do that and asks him to stay and add art to this world with him.

Tldr, thanks to the loophole of mission mail wording, Ukuwa is able to become a reaper and the two become even more inseparable.

They are very horny and very obsessed with each other. Ukuwa drops everything for love. Unfortunately, Ukuwa is a needy bitch and he relies on Shou for his dopamine. Shou is a free spirit and he likes his space so the relationship falls apart after a few months.

Ukuwa is actually the one that dumps Shou because he was 'five minutes and twenty three seconds late to our date'.

This hurts Shou's pride a lot because how DARE he get dumped. But here's the thing- they keep banging anyways. They are like magnets. And Shou is SO smug about it too. Because Ukuwa is in denial about still having feelings but he keeps going back!

I have yet to play NEO but after Shou dies in TWEWY Ukuwa acts like a fucking widower and he has a relapse with his workaholism. Kariya really helps him loosen up and enjoy the moment.

When Shou is revived in NEO, Ukuwa is like a sobbing mess. I imagine by then, Ukuwa has grown as a person more and he has learnt to give Shou space so they end back together. Shou also learns to have some empathy and stop being so selfish and finally apologizes (shocking) and they get back together. With their bond stronger than ever, they end up having a daughter (light puck baby) named Miu who is almost as unhinged as they are. She LOVES physics. She's a genius. And also a super powerful angel but I'll explain that another day LOL

#Toshi Ukuwa #I am so sorry #if this makes no sense i am ESL and kinda stupid #also #UkuShou is unhinged #It's toxic asf but I am eating this ship up #They are 2 crazy artists #I haven't even included my HCs of them as a couple bUT #kfjsfsgdgdg #TWEWY OC

26 notes · View notes

n7punk · 4 months

Text

"Lightbeam" Fic Notes

Pretend I posted this *checks watch* two days ago when I finished Lightbeam. I got busy lol and I was playing Stardew Valley.

Epilogue Life:

:) You’ll have to wait

Chapter 1:

⦁ This fic was originally written back in February after Embrace the Blame in preparation for the Bang. TLDR is we needed to have the fics ready early so the artists could then illustrate them, so I just wanted to write the whole thing at once because that’s how my projects work. I actually finished Embrace the Blame a few days before I posted the final chapter(s) because I had been posting it on a schedule and I could just continue using that as I worked on this to make the gap in my posting overall smaller. I think it actually took me like two weeks to write this, which is why there was a week and a half between the end of EtB and start of MMaM (and of course I had to write MMaM some too, but I already wrote the first few chapters ages ago). It’s also why there was almost two weeks between Start Your Engine finishing and Our Love Is God starting. I wrote the entire rough draft in February, and during that break I edited and finalized the fic for posting in May. I also just had a lot going on then, but yeah this fic has been slotted in between my others over the last few months.

⦁ Adora’s father’s information was left blank because she was an immaculate conception. More on this will be explored in the sequel fic <3

⦁ Norwyn is officially unnamed in the reboot I think but he’s one of the higher-ups at Mystacor. In the OG he was Shadow Weaver’s mentor.

⦁ Adora’s weather powers come up a lot in the first few scenes and I wish I had more “diversity” in magical incidents, but the problem is, as outlined later in the fic, Adora has no idea the stuff she’s doing (see: her coffee) and the weather stuff is pretty much the only consistent thing she has identified as maybe her fault. There was initially also mention of a drowning incident she miraculously survived when learning how to swim that even she knew was weird, but it ended up cut for flow.

⦁ In general, magic is normal, inevitable, and accepted, but there are still some “normie” communities that pop up in small pockets and want nothing to do with, say, a lesbian drowning the upper east side by accident on a Wednesday afternoon because she’s sad. Legally they can’t do anything to “discriminate”, but it’s a culture thing. Catra faced constant bullying and Adora was only safe because she didn’t even know if she had magic. Weaver moved there after getting cursed from her own incompetence because they easily believed the story that someone else cursed her and welcomed her in as a victim with open arms. Her understanding along with rejection of magic made her the perfect person to point to justify their ignorance (see, even a once-sorceress can be turned on and reject magic when she realizes the dangers. Etc). The main reason she moved there was just because there was less magic in the area, though (part of the reason a normie community popped up there), so it made it easier to manage her curse because it was weakened.

⦁ Oh boy, the Whispering Woods section. So first, I should say the version in the fic is pretty much what I originally outlined. The only big difference was Adora was supposed to find out about Razz from her research and went seeking her out rather than going there following her “mom.” I couldn’t figure out what that research would look like, though, so I went with the mom thing because that aligned with her backstory. My big problem was that I got a new idea once I got to writing the woods and the new idea was bad but it felt like reversing progress to go back to the original thing. The new idea was that Mara was an ancient She-ra who fell in love with Light Hope and, in her grief when Light Hope died, accidentally transformed her soul into a guardian spirit who would watch over future She-ras and “keep them safe” so they don’t get in a position where they, yknow, accidentally warp time and space and the laws of physics again. Light Hope was the one who actually sent the lightning, sent Catra, and protected Adora when she was drowning when she was seven. Adora would find the hut, would talk in circles with Razz, spot Catra who immediately fled, and get so frustrated and sad it started pouring rain, which forced Catra to flee back in through the window and into Adora’s arms for safety from Razz but she refused to change back because she was mad at her. While waiting out the storm, Adora eventually had the idea to google guardian spirits, found different methods for getting in contact with them, and tried meditation. This is around when I realized this whole set-up was bust, but the idea was going to be that she got in contact with Light Hope, had her powers she wasn’t in touch with explained to her, and told Light Hope to stop the wrath of god shit. Light Hope’s existence kind of wiped out everything I had planned for what was supposed to be the actual fic with her learning her powers. This new backstory changed everything and ruined what I actually wanted to write about, so I went back to my original outline. It’s way better for it and it meant I actually got to do the slow discovering and mastering of her powers I had planned, but boy can it be a struggle to dig yourself out of a hole and lose “progress”.

⦁ Catra eating the pie was actually a joke from before I started working on the fic. The original joke was that she was legitimately visiting the woods just to “steal” food from Razz and this was a thing she did on the weekends sometimes because they all lived nearby. Razz was fine with sharing with her cat “guest” in this version and seemed oblivious to the fact she was a person. This got changed because 1) Even if I changed it so they were all living near the woods and there weren’t barriers to Catra and Adora spending time together early on when she’s reluctant, that then posed the question of why the hell Adora hadn’t tried visiting her mom’s place already if it was easily accessible, 2) while I think Catra taking the pie once she knows about it is in character, her ever wandering through the woods enough to even find Razz to steal from wasn’t, so the basic set up didn’t really work, 3) the final version, with Adora’s powers going haywire and bringing her there, is way more impactful and in line with the fic’s story. It gives Catra a motivation to keep in contact with Adora after this point and illustrates definitively just how powerful Adora’s powers can be when she’s still in denial about the “warping the fabric of reality” thing.

⦁ Agatha Trunchbull was the basically demonic head mistress in Matilda, which, from my understanding, had a fucking torture closet she would lock kids into, in addition to regularly assaulting them like when she clobbered a massive serving tray over a kids head. I haven’t actually read the book, I just knew someone who liked it growing up and I went to the wikipedia to be sure when I went for the reference.

Chapter 2:

⦁ Adora’s spiraling and exaggerating, but empaths do need to actually hold the hand of someone and open their heart to feel their energy, so Adora isn’t likely to ever cause an accidental concussion as long as she’s careful about who she holds hands with.

⦁ “Catra sends her a condescending look that makes Adora blush for some reason.” It’s because you like belittling, idiot.

⦁ Catra’s kitten form is partially a result of trauma and partially natural self-defense. Having such a small form allowed her to hide and slip away when she needed safety from Weaver/bullies/etc. The trauma getting a little better is why she was able to “grow up” a little but she was right that it’s permanent in the sense she will never be able to have an adult form.

⦁ The meditation was actually a lot more helpful than Adora gave it credit for, but again, lack of self-awareness.

Chapter 3:

⦁ Adora’s whole thing about “oh, I’ve never actually experienced this thing I’ve heard talked about” is definitely a realization I’ve had a few times in my life, usually in some medical context though, like when I found out I’d never had an actual runny nose because I’d never breathed through my nose before.

Chapter 4:

⦁ Catra is being especially cuddly as a cat because it’s an “acceptable” way to get snuggled up close so she can then transform and properly cuddle Adora.

⦁ Catra showing up at her door as a cat was literally just because I wanted an excuse to write more kitten!Catra I was ready to be done with her yet lol.

⦁ I’m planning to write a sequel fic set a few years down the line once Catra and Adora are married, but as you know if you’ve been following my Tumblr, I have like three active WIPs demanding attention, so that’s going to have to wait.

⦁ This isn’t related to the fic so much, but this was my first time ever doing a fandom event! There’s definitely zines and stuff I would have wanted to participate in before but I only ever learn about these things after they’re already over lol. I loved being part of this Bang and oh my god do I love the illustrations so much Karo did an INCREDIBLE job. I knew I wanted to participate in the Bang the second I heard about it, but picking a fic was hard. I really wanted to write something in canon but didn’t think any of my current OotW ideas would be long enough for the word count requirement. At that time, I had a canon divergent AU ready to go, but it was Make Me A Monster and I wanted to do something happy so… yeah that was a no go lol even if someone might have wanted to draw the cybernetics. Lightbeam ended up being the perfect option because it was 1) fairly short for an AU but long enough to meet the requirement and post over the week, 2) light-hearted, 3) had plenty of scenes I thought someone might want to illustrate between Adora’s powers and kitten!Catra, 4) I’ll be honest, it kind of felt full circle, because…

⦁ At the start of this year I posted freak occurrence: confluence as a celebration of over three years of posting Catradora fics and finally getting to my fics being 1% of the entire Catradora tag on AO3 (next goal is 1% of the SPOP tag — JOKE THIS IS A JOKE THAT’S NEVER HAPPENING). It featured tons of my Catradora couples from various AUs — including one AU that hadn’t been posted yet. I’d had the freak occurrence fic idea for three years, so whenever I came up with a new AU I’d picture its Catradora in that scenario, which meant I’d already thought about what Lightbeam’s couple would do in that scenario even though I hadn’t written it yet. Getting to post it as part of the Bang was so exciting and I hope it lived up to expectations! The version that was featured in that fic was a few years older, when Adora had a better grip on her magic, but you’ll see a bit of that in the sequel fic.

Meta:

Playlist

Upcoming:

I have a one shot I’m probably going to post in the next couple days and then I’m aiming for Slipstream (my hacker AU) but uh….. Something is coalescing that may also demand attention. Stay tuned ig lol

#lightbeam #fic notes #ficmeta

19 notes · View notes

nemesis-is-my-middle-name · 9 months

Note

Well about the perception of Volo vs Kamado thing, and why more people don’t hate Volo, I have my own reflections (pretty privilege is absolutely a factor tho let’s be real 😂)

Everyone growing up has at least one story of an adult being super unfair to you, even though you were doing everything right. Their own biases and experiences could be understood later once you were older and calmer reflecting back on the incident, like a teacher who snapped at you maybe had a super long day of wrangling hundreds of children. But we never forget how it feels in that moment to have those who should be guiding us be unfair and seemingly unreasonable. So naturally that’s gonna hurt when you get kamado being paranoid.

Volo on the other hand is just absolutely delightful I’m sorry maybe if Kamado put on a silly outfit and hair for his boss battle instead of plate mail he’d have more art. Like you said Volos betrayal is one and done really, he acts like a theater kid and then dips. You have to keep seeing kamado being in charge in the game after his blunders for a while which can rub people the wrong way. (Also this is maybe just me but I never trusted Volo just like I never trusted Cynthia as a kid, and finding out he was evil was a great moment of vindication I CANT be the only one who experienced this)

TLDR we see unfairness way more than we see someone betray us while making their hair like a god horse

well, you heard them, kamado. time to go get the jester outfit. cmon chop chop it's to redeem your image

yeah, the point abt getting burned by adults in authority is also very fair. most of us were not scarred for life by theater kid antics lol. the other thing abt it is that often those same adults never really face any consequences. you were always just expected to move on, suck it up etc. cause that's life as a kid right. sometimes ppl will use their power over you just to flex their limited authority, or to vent whatever's going on in their home life, and this doesn't really stop when you grow up it's just that when you're a kid basically every adult has that authority position. so it's just expected that there's nothing you can do. i mean unless you decide to be the karmic force of justice in your own life by being the most stubborn bitch of a child to walk the earth. not that i would know anything about that cough

uh anyway. the thing is the thing btwn you and kamado isn't about about child vs adult. you're more or less considered an adult yourself by jubilife, albeit a rather young and more importantly low ranking one. like we've said (a million times already lol) kamado's not doing it just to grasp at a sense of control, he's reacting to what he perceives as a very real threat to his village (and also because the writers clocked him in the face with the idiot ball for plot advancement reasons lbr).

and the thing is kamado DOES, kind of, face consequences and own up to his mistakes by the end of the game. also after the red sky event he's like, REALLY nice to you lol. not just briefly either! imo you can tell that he sincerely respects you and regrets his actions in the red sky. go look at his late game quotes-

"Perhaps you are a divine being yourself, sent to bring us gifts from above... "I know I've no right to say this... But we are truly fortunate to have been able to count you among the Survey Corps' ranks. If you had not joined us, we would have fallen on Mount Coronet. We would have lost our home. We would have lost our future." "I'm grateful to you for showing me what a heartening presence Pokémon can be. We must spar again sometime!" "<player>, forgive me for taking so much of your time [telling you about the Galaxy name.] Please accept this as a sort of apology."

like he's trying to make up for the way they were treated earlier and give them the proper treatment they're owed for all their help.

idk i don't have a good way to conclude this i guess. i just think he's a cool character

#the nemesis speaks #the nemesis answers #trudivination #pla analysis #i should really be tagging these kamado posts #but with what ugh #kamado apologist hours #that's what i tagged a previous one with i think. sure good nuff #i say the idiot ball thing bc like #kamado's PERCEPTION was semi reasonable but his ACTIONS kind of weren't #but it's also kind of unreasonable for such a seemingly competent person to get that straw-graspy that fast #like they purely did his character dirty bc it was the easiest way to get you to follow volo to cogita's house #imo at least. you (general you) may disagree. there's space to make an argument there

16 notes · View notes

eternalglitch · 2 years

Note

With the new tmnt movie coming out, will that shift your interest in rise and cause a discontinuity of like father like son?

Also was this “.. Green staggered slightly, straightening back up as his eyes darted between the portal and Draxum. He dared not back away, but his breath caught in his throat as his heart hammered away in his chest loud enough to be heard.

“You’re lucky that I took an interest in you,” the yokai concluded. “Imagine where you would be if I hadn’t.”

There had once been a spot for him to come back home to, with people that wanted him. But he couldn’t remember exactly when he had realized he no longer was fit to claim that as his home, or why his family had even bothered to put up with him in the first place.

Draxum snorted, finding something in Green lacking. Green didn’t blame him; he could feel the hole within himself, too. “Go on, then,” he ordered. “We better get moving now if you hope to complete these tasks in an acceptable period of time. You first.”

Green didn’t wait for the collar to warn him; he almost tripped over his feet as he ran over to the portal, jumping through without any hesitation this time.

Anywhere was better than there, in that room.

Anywhere.”

Was this a dream or was it like reflected by something that actually happened?

So I actually don't hold much interest in franchises as a way to sell me on something. I might hold interest in specific creatives, but the general brand isn't that important to me. Hollywood is currently running on 80-90% of pre-existing material creation, as in reboots, sequels, spin offs, what-have-you. They do this because they believe they can count on a pre-established fanbase to make more profit with less marketing work, and I... usually want to make them work for my attention still lmao.

This is obviously a personal preference as to how I approach media, and if you are excited already about Mutant Mayhem I am really happy for you! But I don't consider myself a TMNT fan. I was a Rise fan, and Rise is exactly what I would want and I don't want to look for that within a show that was part of the reason for Rise's cancellation. That brings unfair baggage to it and Mutant Mayhem deserves to be looked at for what it is on its own rather than torn apart for being too similar or different to past versions. That happened to Rise, I don't care to do that to another iteration.

So far, all that Mutant Mayhem has really shown is that characters people recognize are being brought back a certain way. And that's cool, but ultimately holds little interest to someone who mainly cares about plot. I'll see how I feel when we learn more about what the movie will actually be about and how well the writing was done. ^^

tldr they have to woo me. And I play hard to get sometimes.

As for how this effects lfls... regardless of Mutant Mayhem, I've actually moved on from Rise three months ago and have already found a new show that I am watching all the time and talking about with my friends. It happens. I still currently plan to write more lfls and haven't changed my plans on that.

And for that particular scene... I'll leave it up to you. You can interpret it as a dream or as a memory. It does the same thing for the story either way.

#glitch answers #lfls

51 notes · View notes

janiedean · 8 months

Note

hiii I hope you're doing well! I have a question for you since I'm getting into Bon Jovi: which albums would you recommend the most?

HELLO HELLO HELLO and I hope you're doing well too! I'm... trudging on let's put it like that but it could be worse T_T thank you though T_T

that saif FIRST OF ALL CONGRATS ON GETTING INTO THE BEST BAND IN THE WORLD I ACCEPT NO OTHER OPINION, for the rest I'mma just rank you everything, top three is imvho THE ONES YOU *NEED* TO HAVE DON'T PASS FROM GO DON'T COLLECT THE TWENTY DOLLARS, top five is top five from the rest on it's my personal opinion and I already warn I have an absolute hot take opinion wrt what's not in top three but anyway if you end up liking them in general no album is lost uwu, after top five I'm rating the others without doing the chart

SO WITH NO FURTHER ADO

THESE DAYS: 10000000/10 BEST ALBUM EVER IN EXISTENCE SURELY BEST BON JOVI ALBUM TOPS I ACCEPT NO OTHER OPINION no okay in existence is obviously my opinion but: imvho 90s bj were the peakest peak and these days is a masterpiece - best lyrics they ever put out, best music, best everything, these days the song is my single favorite song in existence, I haven't ever played a record as much in my entire life, there isn't ONE single song that doesn't work and jbj was at his peak vocally too and the fact that most ppl never heard my guitar lies bleeding in my arms and think bj is basic cheap stuff haunts me at night

keep the faith: 10/10 second best, as stated 90s bon jovi were the peak and this one would be my fave if these days didn't exist but like this one also has no song I don't know at molecular level, has a bunch of bangers, has bed of roses aka best ballad ever bye I'm a bed of roses truther and most of all it has dry county which is the other song I am haunted at night by not being general knowledge by the general public and it's a complete masterpiece 10 minutes of perfection but like it's all bangers and half of them are so fun also i want you most underrated ballad ever

new jersey: 10/10 best record bon jovi put out in the 80s and I'll die on this hill (yes my hot take is that slippery when wet has nothing on new jersey come at me idc) it shows that they have the best range, homebound train/wild is the wind are underrated gems, living in sin has the best vocals, bad medicine is the banger to end all bangers, born to be my baby is <333 and I'm also a stick to your guns truther even if no one remembers it exists but like new jersey is just so FUN I love it okay (so like THESE are the three bj records I think everyone should have but I'm also a crossroads advocate in the sense that it was a very decent best of until 1994 and it has someday I'll be saturday night which is one of my top five bj songs overall and I mean... I'm a 'demo always is better than released always' truther but I mean IT'S ALWAYS but it's not an ALBUM so we're gonna move over to...)

crush: 9.5/10 YES I PUT CRUSH ABOVE SLIPPERY WHEN WET THAT'S MY HOT TAKE BUT: it was my first bon jovi record ever, I think it's tbf the best they put out in the 2000s, it's my life is what hooked me for life and it's also like a very good album in the first place, it has the ballads, it has the bangers, it has the quality, there's no fillers and I'mma still say save the world is the best ballad they put out since 2000 onwards but like next 100 years has great guitar, I <3 two story town too not counting the beginning three which HELLO ALL BANGERS so yeah I'mma go with crush

slippery when wet: 9/10 okay tldr slippery is a GREAT record it has basically ALL bangers and there's absolutely nothing bad I can say about it and it's the best of their hair metal phase but like I've heard the hits so many times I can sing you livin on a prayer in my sleep and the ones I like best are the three that weren't singles also i prefer the lyrics in the post slippery records in general but yeah it's top five

for the rest, in order:

self-titled debut from 1984: I mean I'd give it a fair 6/10, runaway is a banger and I love shot through the heart but it's hair metal to the core and it's basically all around (1) hit so not what I'd start from if you're listening to them in 2024

7800 degrees fahrenheit: 6/10 too, it's an okay record but again if you're into hair metal you'll prob enjoy it if you're not it's fun but tbf slippery when wet was a complete jump of quality

bounce: I think ppl sorta evaluated it negatively since it came out for idk what reason and idk I think it was when people started being like EH THEY'RE CHEESY THEY SUCK but it had some very strong pieces when it came to slamming you with good solos, the ballads had admittedly cheesy lyrics but I'm a sap and love me back to life/open all night never fail to hit with me, the distance and right side of wrong were splendid and admittedly postcards from the wasteland which was imvho the best one was a bonus track so IDEK WHAT THEY WERE THINKING but for me it was a solid 7.5/10

have a nice day: absolute banger of a record 8/10 idc, who says you can't go home best banger, i am best ballad I've cried over that song an embarrassingly amount of times, the title track was GREAT, last man standing same and tbf the only thing I don't like about this record is that they never did the who says you can't go home duet song with keith urban because man I'd have paid to hear that

lost highway: I have no idea how ppl feel about this record but as a person who loves country music to a ridiculous degree bon jovi doing a country record was a total joy for me and I'mma 8/10 it because it's great it's fun the title track is honestly a joy to listen to and fine cheesy lyrics but who gaf it's part of the fun

the circle: honestly a solid record, 7/10 because I liked bounce better back in the day but it holds on, has bangers, the cheese is on point (idc superman tonight is how you do cheesy songs), not 90s level but pretty good

what about now: this one is 50/50 like the good (because we can, the fighter and amen at least) is excellent and the meh is not their best and as usual the best stuff is in the bonus songs but like tbf you could feel the sambora split was incoming, I'mma rate it 6.5 because I'd casually listen to it more than the first two but of all the post 80 ones where sambora was in it's arguably the worst

burning bridges: I mean it's not a full on album because it's all previously unpublished tracks they did to finish the contract with the previous label so it's like not exactly coherent but admittedly the tracks are all pretty good, we don't run was a banger but all of the others were p okay and admittedly burning bridges-the-song is a level of spite that should be rated 10/10 just for that, but like overall it's a 7, nice but not fundamental

this house is not for sale: listen if ppl thought they were done without sambora they were wrong and I'mma 7.5/10 this because it's solid, has very nice songs, tbf it's a breath of fresh air wrt sound and I think the latter half like songs 8-12 is like REALLY really good no filler no mood going down def very nice

bon jovi 2020: idk why people didn't go OMG WHAT on this record but like....... 8/10 absolutely great FINALLY they went back to the more socially aware these-days-time lyrics except even more, FINALLY they went back to 5+ minutes songs and it only suffers that limitless was like the first single and it's the only meh song imvho but american reckoning is TRULY something, blood in the water and unbroken are wow, do what you can was the song I needed in covid times, lower the flag was like REALLY good anyone who's like THESE PPL ARE SO GUNG HO AMERICA hasn't heard that probably and like I thought it was really good def the best lyrically since these days and in general since have a nice day

that's for regular albums now for the extra that you get just when you're graduated to I AM A BON JOVI AFICIONADO AND I WANT EVERYTHING:

100.000.000 bon jovi fasn can't be wrong is like... 4 records of b-sides and each of them is on new jersey level singularly for me so take it as you will but if you're a thorough person it's 10000/10 XD

this left feels right is alternative arrangements, some are very good some are whatever but the slow blues version of you give love a bad name was a win

one wild night live is a p decent live record tho if you want the best just get the live from london 1995 dvd with ALL the songs not just the first one they put out because that one is like mindblowingly good

also sorry i'm really being verbose but when I discuss bon jovi I'm what I am so.. SOLO RECORDS SMALL SIDES:

blaze of glory aka jbj's first solo record: listen the movie it was made for (young guns ii?) was forgettable and a soundtrack for a movie that bad had no right being this good but honestly it's a goddamned masterpiece, the songs are all amazing and every time i listen to santa fe/justice in the barrel one after the other I'm just like WHY DID YOU STICK THESE SONGS IN A SOLO RECORD FOR THAT MOVIE MAN anyway 9/10 I love blaze of glory

destination anywhere aka jbj's second solo record: my friends my romans my countrymen my nickname has been janiesomething since I was 12 because of a song on that record so like... you know XD but it's just really really good, it has VERY nice lyrics, no cheese anywhere, the sound itself is really refined imvho and I'mma 9.5/10 it idc I absolutely wholly recommend jbj's solo records they're both great

stranger in this town aka richie sambora's first solo record: excellent if you're into blues music also has some really great songs (ballad of youth in my heart) and a great wind cries mary cover song but like it's admittedly really good 8/10

undiscovered soul aka richie sambora's second solo: less hard than the previous but still has quite the bangers, I really enjoyed it, has some p. nice ballads (some ARE cheesy but it's good cheese so) and idk I got it when I was 13 and I listened to it an entire summer I have very nice memories tied to it I'd 8/10 it too

I can't say shit abt to the third because I pre-ordered it before he quit bon jovi, I received it A YEAR AND A HALF LATER after he quit bj so I was pissed at him and listened to it once so sorry can't recommend or not XD

... tldr: these days/keep the faith/new jersey/crush/slippery + crossroads for basics and if you want to have just the best and what I'd personally recommend getting if you want to just start, the rest is rated if you want more XD

#bon jovi #eh tagging it why not #moi-ennepe #ask post #sorry for how long this is i'm ranting #god hello i'm still around i'll manage to answer things promptly these days

3 notes · View notes

crownedspectre · 1 year

Text

SO Mortis has gone on record multiple times saying this game does not have any one meaning...I know one popular fan theory is that Hugo is very ill and the switch is meant to signify the choice to be taken off of life support and accept death.

To be quite honest, I've never truly cared for this reading of the game and ones similar to it. Not to say they are bad by any means!! I just find the explanations given to be too literal for my tastes, it ignores the significance of the player within the story, and what would Judge's choice mean in that instance? If you are terminally ill, you can not choose to simply not die. You can choose to endure suffering sure but...The Judge is shown to be a sympathetic character, while the Batter is firmly framed as an antagonist in the latter half of the story. I don't think the choice to be taken off life support when you're chronically ill is bad or evil. If anything The Judge's choice seems crueler to me with that reading in mind! My interpretation of the game is within the same spirit, but the stakes are a little less dire than death. To me, this game is about escapism. Toxic escapism...and the choice to either give up and retreat inward or stay present even when it feels like "nothing is left". I have a few key points to support this reading.

1. “Vincit Qui Se Vincit”

This is what Zacharie says right before you fight The Queen. The full saying translates to “He who prevails over himself is twice victorious” It means that “a person who overcomes his weaknesses or failings, who is able to control his emotions and actions, wins life's most important battle.” I think Zacharie is talking to You here, the player. He is urging you to look inward…to question what Batter represents to you. Thus far, even though you and the Batter have moved as one, there has always been a disconnect due to your limited scope as a being outside the realm of the game, and it’s only grown as you’ve progressed. I am no longer a God, but a passenger at the whims of a narrative, one that has begun to sicken me. This now feels more like Batter's mission than mine, and Zacharie foreshadows that the only way to truly win is to get a handle on this rogue part of ourselves. (This will make more sense when I explain what I feel The Batter is meant to represent, but keep it in mind for now.)

2. Sucre's Dialogue

The short conversation before you fight Sucre is really illuminating to me. The first line especially.

"Ignoring why things are so frightening" is the entire purpose of an escapist fantasy. The goal is to endure a painful reality as little as possible. In fact, this has been a theme throughout the entire game, particularly prevalent among the elsen who are more than once seen avoiding aspects of their reality that cause them to feel what they consider to be, unpleasant emotions. (Death in this world is also synonymous with an escape from pain.)

3. Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

The Judy Garland version of this song famously features in The Wizard of Oz and it's sung by Dorothy, who is tired of the mundanity of her average farm life and is hoping to somehow be able to get away from it all...

"Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Away above the chimney tops

That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow

Bluebirds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow

Why then, oh, why can't I?"

I think Hugo is implied to have had a rough upbringing for sure, and I do feel a large part of the game is suggested to take place in his head, although I tend to favor a reading that's even MORE abstract and just say that Hugo himself represents a child's imagination and innocence. The world of OFF to me represents a child's perception of the outside world before it has been disillusioned. It was bright, colorful, and safe, but then ~something~ happened that changed that. Life happened. Suddenly, the rose-tinted glasses start cracking. That's when the neurosis sets in, the guardians start losing their grip, the spectres arrive to throw everything into chaos...and then eventually comes The Batter, who to me, symbolizes a complete rejection and subsequent destruction of a world that once brought you comfort. When you have been mistreated, your hatred and apathy DO feel righteous. At his core he is nihilism personified...and once he destroys your inner child the only thing that's left is to give up on everything. This is what Zacharie was trying to open your eyes to, and that is why The Judge's ending is so profound to me.

The Batter's decision is immediately appealing. Sunk Cost fallacy. We’ve already made it this far…the world is a shell of what it once was. Why keep going when there is nothing left in sight to fight for? But The Judge argues that simply existing is better than turning your back on it all. Why? Sugar says it best in her dialogue, “Think of something beautiful really hard, and maybe you will see it tomorrow.” As long as we push forward, we can have hope. And hope is what I felt, watching the end credits after completing The Judge's ending and seeing him walk through the barren landscape alone. Hope, that one day something new could take its place.

This reading to me equalizes both end-game decisions in my mind. I don’t think either one is “wrong” necessarily, just different reactions to trauma that you could have.

And what about You? The player? Well.

It is impossible for me to ignore that we are a character in this story too, we are addressed by name!! and when you take the obvious religious themes to their logical conclusion, you are likened the most to a god. That's why I believe that the world of OFF is meant to be....yours.

You're the one who's hurting. Hugo is YOUR sick inner child. It's why you're the one who's overseeing the destruction of everything through Batter. You want this just as much as it is his nature to provide it as a self-destructive Part of you!

(Him talking about himself here ^ )

It's also the reason why you're the only one who can stop him at the end and The Judge couldn't do it without you (even though he has a move that can kill batter in like 3 hits when you play as him.) The choice to kill off parts of yourself that no longer serve you is the only one that you can make.

SO BASICALLY, TLDR...

The zones are different sectors of your own inner landscape and Batter is a self-destructive part of your brain that earnestly masquerades as a protector since he believes the best way to protect you from a painful reality is to cut you off from it.

Hugo isn't immediately accessible until you destroy everything else because he is your heavily repressed inner child. Once he's gone however, you can make the final decision to retreat inward and disconnect from the outside world completely. Making the decision to not pull the lever means that even though life has been painful to you, you opt to continue to stay present in the hope that things will get better someday...somewhere over the rainbow.

When I pulled that lever in the last moments, I didn't grieve for Hugo, I grieved for myself. It felt deeply personal to me the first time I played OFF 8 years ago, and it still did on my latest playthrough.

I do believe this game and its messages are important however you chose to interpret them, although I figured this post was in order because this is the "canon" I operate from and what I will depict in my art and posts.

#theorum #I do have thoughts about how stuff I didn't explicitly mention here fits into this interpretation too but this is like. the gist of it

5 notes · View notes

honeyymistt · 11 months

Note

hi honey! it’s so good to see you again 🫶🏻

i have a bit of a situation and I’d love any words of wisdom from you if you’re willing.

so two years ago, I met someone and quickly developed a crush on her. a few months after we met, I confessed to her and she said that she didn’t think she had feelings for me and that she would like to remain friends. I was totally fine with that, so the next year was fine. she went abroad for school the year later.

now she’s back and we are co-running a dance club at school together so we are spending a lot of time working together. we have a bunch of mutual friends now so every so often she comes over to my apartment since she’s friends with all of my roommates too. we eat meals together and talk a lot and we make each other laugh.

long story (relatively) short, my feelings for her have returned and multiplied by like a million. I say “returned” like they left but I’m not sure if they ever did honestly. anyway I feel like confessing to her again wouldn’t be the best move, but I feel like, in both the best and worst possible way, I’m going to EXPLODE!!! I’ve been thinking about so many things lately and how me and her are running out of time (we are both graduating in the spring) and I think that sense of urgency is contributing to my want to do something about this.

I can’t know exactly how she feels because I am not inside her brain. all I know is that when anyone mentions love or the future, I automatically and unconsciously picture her. it’s a little pathetic tbh. but I’ve accepted the strength of my feelings and I need a way to express them or at least control them. I guess I’m writing to you for any advice you may have regarding this.

tldr: too much love. not enough time or ability to express.

sorry for the super long message but I’m not sure what to do. thank you so much :) hope you’re doing well

hi lovey!! thank you, it’s so nice to be back <3

this is a such a sweet message. so many people would love to be talked about the way you talk about her. she’s a lucky girl!!!! i always think that clear communication is the way to go. these feelings are a LOT to handle, and if pouring your heart out to her is going to make you feel better then i think, why not? if you don’t think that she feels the same way, you’ll obviously have to structure your confession as just that - a confession. but if you have a feeling that maybe she likes you back, then you could explain it and see if she can confirm it or clear it up. like you mentioned at the end, “too much love. not enough time or ability to express.” i think communication can do wonders for this situation. if she likes you back, then yay!! go on a date!! if she doesn’t, then you move on with acceptance because you did all you could do.

you could always say something along the lines of i know that i already told you this a year ago but i still have feelings for you. i feel like you deserve to know because we hang out so often and because we’re running the club together. i respect if you don’t feel the same way and i want you to know that i’m not going to jeopardize the club or drag in mutual friends. if you don’t feel the same way, i understand and i won’t act on it. i really admire you and i just need to let you know to get it off my chest. (you can adjust this according to how you guys talk to each other and add more details to explain yourself)

i don’t want to say this because it might give you false hope but this is just something to keep in mind. feelings can change. and i say this for both your feelings, and hers. my boyfriend and i went on a date last year and nothing came out of it. we went on a date almost a year later (a few months ago) and it was completely different and we’re dating now. people change, circumstances change and feelings change. just remember that!!

i think that everyone deserves to feel love and confessing could get you closer to that - love with her, or love with someone else. regardless, the choice is entirely yours and i trust that you’ll make the right decision. i can tell that you have a heart of gold, my sweet anon. i am sending you courage and support!!!! i’d love to know what you decide to do and what the outcome is. my inbox will remain open and i’ll always be here. <3

#chat with honeyymistt

3 notes · View notes

lizziebathory42 · 2 years

Text

Should you watch the 2022 Willow series?

tldr: probably yes, at least give it to episode 3 and don’t take things too seriously

Long answer: (episode 1 mild spoiler alert, I’m being deliberately vague in places)

The Good

Willow (the series) is a fairytale. Every episode starts with a book opening, like old Disney movies, and the first episode opener is narrated by Joanne Whaley. If you love fairytales, you’ll probably enjoy yourself.

It’s a very sincere series. Everything that someone predicts comes true in one way or another. All the symbols have meaning, dialogue is echoed from episode to episode, setups are paid off. Costumes and hairstyles are used as symbolism and you can dive as deep or as shallow into the lore as you like, it won’t affect your enjoyment if you just want to turn off your brain and watch.

side note: I am a willow lore scuba diver, let my bias be known

The jokes are quippy (think Buffy the vampire slayer-esque) the cast is gorgeous not that beauty is necessary and is of course subjective but I like em pretty and you can’t tell me the whole cast isn’t a snack, okay and the story is an adventure full of fantastic battles, puzzles, character growth and friendship. The sets mostly seem real and the effects are mostly practical, with just the right touch of CGI for impossible things.

The Bad

The sincerity of Willow has thrown some people off from the reactions I see online. The current climate of media is one of PLOT TWIST out of nowhere. Especially where you, the viewer, find out after the fact what were the motivations and moving parts of a decision made by a character. Willow tells you what will happen before it happens, if you’re paying attention. This is not a mistake, this is by design.

I do find I have issues with the lighting when I’m watching on my phone, and I’ve heard complaints from people who watch on TV about the lighting as well. I don’t have issues with it on my computer screen. Not every episode suffers from this problem, but notably episodes 3, 4 and 6. I wish they’d made the light come from where the music was coming from.

The reactions to the music and dialogue being more modern have been mixed, but it’s never personally bothered me. It was jarring for me when the modern cover didn’t go over the credits for one episode and then went back to going over the credits.

The Best

You don’t need to watch the movie before starting the series. It will give you some additional context and a few easter eggs, but it’s not necessary viewing. Willow stands on it’s own merits.

All the relationships progress in satisfying ways and the party composition is delightful. There are character tropes but they’re subverted in frankly fun ways.

Take the cocky, arrogant prince/hero and the frivolous princess damsel-in-distress, swap the genders and you have Kit and Airk.

Want a devoted knight? Here’s she is! She’s bad-ass, smart, devoted and quietly in love with the princess.

The “Gandalf” of the group, if you will? Reluctant to use actual magic, is a devoted father and basically mayor of his village.

The reluctant hero/chosen one is a woman who loves a domestic task and wants to marry her love.

She becomes more powerful by embracing her emotions, ALL her emotions, jealousy, anger, fear hate, the whole dark side. She’s allowed to be a bit of an airhead, indecisive, scared and comes into her power by accepting all parts of herself. It’s really good, yall.

In conclusion, if you watched Willow and you liked it, take a minute to let Disney+ know so we get season’s 2 and 3.

#thank you for coming to my ted talk #willow #willow 2022 #willow series #willow disney+#full disclosure i loved the movie since i was little #im super into the series

12 notes · View notes

wwilloww · 2 years

Text

sh. | chapter nineteen | ot7

PAIRING ot7 x reader RATING Explicit. 18+. GENRE smut. fluff. angst. nonidol au. wildnerness au. roommates au. friends to lovers. SUMMARY Six months of quarantine have kept you apart. Somehow the distance sparks something new in each of you: questions, unfinished conversations, threads once chased now left cold. So when your roommate invites you to come with him to a mysterious house in the mountains with your friends, how could you even think of saying no? WC 6.6k WARNINGS AND TAGS sexual negotiations. talk of sex. near death experience. allusions to history of suicidal ideation (resources). dry humping.

AN pLEASE read the warnings of this chapter! If you've read the warnings and don't want to read the chapter but still want to know what's going on, message me and I'll provide a little tldr; just for you. This chapter wasn't easy to write, and I learned a lot about myself through writing it. I'd be lying if I said there weren't some tears on the page after writing, but I have the biggest of thank yous to the incredible @hesperantha @thatlongspringnight @miscelunaaa and @sugalaritae who helped me transform this from something I needed to write for me to something that actually fits into the story. I feel hesitant to post this, but I'm trusting you all with this and know you will take care of this story. If you're still here, thank you for reading. You're amazing.

← || series m.list || →

CHAPTER NINETEEN: THE EDGE

“We said we’d wait a few days to talk about this, but it’s clear a conversation needs to happen now,” Jimin begins.

The eight of you are sitting around the dining room table, breakfast hot and steaming in bowls before you, but none of you are eating. As soon as you and Hoseok had entered the room, a swift and chilly tension had settled upon the table. Six pairs of cold eyes had been set upon Hoseok as soon as he entered, and it was clear that the exchange that happened in the kitchen this morning was shared with the entire group. Namjoon’s eyes flicker concernedly down to where your hand is wrapped around Hoseok’s.

“We said, after the other night—” it’s clear which night Jimin’s talking about. “—that things between all of us were casual.” Everyone nods. “But it’s obvious to me that that’s not the case. Not one bit.”

Your chest tightens. Not casual? You’re not in the slightest ready for something serious, for some kind of commitment to these men. That’s, that’s simply not what you agreed to.

“As soon as feelings start getting hurt,” Jimin continues, “this no longer becomes casual. I’ve talked to some of you. I’m worried that there’s jealousy—” His gaze flickers to Jungkook, whose head hangs down. “And I’m worried that we’re not respecting the vulnerability inherent to sex.” His gaze lands on Hoseok. The words on his tongue sound prepared, rehearsed, like Jimin’s been going over them in his head for a while now, or practiced them in the bathroom mirror.

“Hoseok,” Yoongi chimes in, his jaw twitching. “In case you weren’t sure, we’re talking about you.”

Hoseok’s eyes flash up towards Yoongi. His lips move like he wants to say something.

“What happened this morning was unacceptable. It can’t happen again,” Jimin says, before a sound can leave Hoseok. Hoseok shuts his mouth. “Not only that, but pushing one of your closest friends away after having sex with them? It’s just unacceptable.”

Hoseok hangs his head. “I know. I’m sorry, and—”

“I think there’s only one solution. I think we should stop,” Jimin says. “I think we should stop all of this.”

Silence freezes through the room.

“No!” you call out. The response surprises even you. You’re not ready for this to end. You’re not ready to let go of what you’ve received from these seven men in the past several days. Your innards hold onto it like it’s something precious, because, you realize, it is. It’s been so long since you’ve felt so accepted, so seen by so many people. Sure, there is a part of you that feels like there’s an unknown edge to all of this—to all of them—that scares the shit out of you, but not because it’s bad. Only because it’s new, unknown. You’re not ready to let go of this. “I mean—I mean. I think this is something that we can talk through. Hoseok and I talked.” You reach beneath the table to take his hand. “We talked and it’s okay.”

“Is it really okay though?” Namjoon asks, his gaze hard and protective. “Is one little conversation really enough to fix things?”

You look at Hoseok then. Perhaps you had been too quick to accept his apology. But you know this man. You’ve known him for years and understand that an apology from him doesn’t come quickly or easily. He surprises you again by speaking up.

“I fucked up, guys,” Hoseok says. “I don’t know what’s been getting into me. I thought, um, I expected things to be easy. That I wouldn’t, um… want. As much as I do.”

“What does that mean?” you whisper.

“I think we need to expand the meaning of casual,” Hoesok says. “I don’t know if I can do casual.”

“What does that mean?” your voice wavers.

“I don’t think I can pretend that sex doesn’t mean something to me.”

To this, Namjoon nods knowingly, like he understands and agrees. Hoseok catches the gesture and offers Namjoon an unsure smile.

“I was trying to pretend that it doesn’t mean anything to me, that you,” he looks at you, “don’t mean anything to me, that none of you do.” He looks around the table, lingering on each of your friends. “But that’s just not true. I shut down, trying to imagine—

“I get that,” Jungkook interrupts. “I get that a lot.”

“Thanks Jungkook, but yeah. I shut down, trying to imagine that things were nothing more than sex, and that’s just not—that’s just not going to work for me. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I think we’re all ready for some kind of committed relationship,” Hoseok says. “I know that’s not true, and honestly that’s not what I want. But what I need is to know that this—” He squeezes your hand. “—means something.”

Your chest tightens immeasurably, but at the same time, you know something he’s saying is true.

“I think I understand what he’s saying,” Namjoon adds. “I think there needs to be space for the messy bits. The feelings.”

The feelings? There are feelings?

Suddenly you’re reeling, sucking in a shaky breath. This whole time it’s felt like you've been in a vacuum, alone with your thoughts and feelings. You know you’ve felt things for these men. Unnamable, unknowable things. But them? They’ve been feeling too?

You chide yourself for thinking in such a small sense. How egocentric of you to think that you were the only one with an inner world like this. Of course they’re affected by all of this. Of course they have feelings too. But for you? For each other?

It’s not a new realization, but it is one that strikes you. Makes you look at them through a new lens. The room is silent as each of you take in the others, unspeakable thoughts flashing behind each of your eyes.

“We’re all friends. We’ve been friends forever. I think it’d be stupid to think that adding sex into our dynamic wouldn’t stir things up. From the past. Even new things, too. But we can’t do this if we aren’t on the same page, or at the very least, can’t communicate.” Jimin shoots Hoseok a look at that statement. “We have to be committed to communication, and we have to be committed to making sure each of us are doing okay within this situation.” He looks around at all of you.

“I want this,” you say suddenly. “I’m not ready to give this up, whatever it is.”

Several people around the table nod: Yoongi, Jungkook, and to your surprise, Namjoon.

“I feel like I understand where Hobi is coming from,” Jungkook adds, reaching across the table to take Hoseok’s hand. “I feel messy. On the inside. Like if I ask for what I want I’m going to ruin something.”

Hoseok nods understandingly.

“That’s not an easy thing to say, Kookie,” Jimin says softly. “Thank you for sharing that. And Hoseok—I don’t mean to be so harsh on you. I just… I don’t want to see any of us hurt. And I saw one of our friends hurting.”

Hoseok nods. “I know. And I’m really sorry.”

“I want to stick with this and see what comes out of it,” you say. “Even if it’s difficult. Even if we need to find new ways to communicate with one another.”

“How does everyone feel about this?” Yoongi asks.

Everyone around the table nods in agreement with you.

“Jin, Taehyung, you’ve been awfully silent throughout this conversation,” Yoongi notices.

The couple exchanges a look. “I can’t speak for Jin, but I hardly knew any of this was going on,” Taehyung says. “We’ve been a little bit in our own bubble the past couple of days. But I think that speaks to a need for us to be more involved, anyways. More present.” Jin nods, like he agrees.

“That’s probably true,” Yoongi says.

Jin clears his throat. “I’m going to add something. Since we added sex to this relationship, to these relationships, I don’t think we can just assume that sex and the rules of sex only stay within the boundaries of the bedroom. For god's sake, Yoongi sucked Namjoon off in the kitchen.” You and Jungkook exchange a glance and at that moment you know that he too is thinking about all of your shared kitchen escapades.

“And vice versa,” Taehyung corrects.

Jin chuckles. “And vice versa, yes. That means that consent and communication are just as important outside of this metaphorical bedroom as they are inside. If any of you feel like you can’t communicate something, you either need to figure out how to, ask for help, or remove yourself from the situation. We can’t be messing around with that.”

Everyone nods seriously.

“Jungkook, you’ve been quiet too. Do you have anything to add?”

Jungkook smiles sheepishly. “I think I’d just like to be included a little more? I know it’s only been a couple of days but… I felt a little bit like I was forgotten.”

Jin grabs his shoulder. “Don’t worry. We got you.”

Jungkook grins back. “Thanks, hyung.”

“Alright,” Jimin says. “Then we’ll put it to a vote. All in favor of continuing this… thing?”

Everyone around the table raises their hands.

“Then it’s settled.”

A spark of joy lights in your chest. It’s not over. Not yet.

“I think I’m ready for that hike, if you are,” Hoseok says, a smile lighting his eyes, as breakfast finishes up. Someone else is on kitchen duty, thank goodness, and you have the day all to yourself. He takes your hands in his own, gripping your fingers tightly between his. “I mean it when I say it: I’m so sorry. I should have never let the situation get away from me the way I did. But I know what I did wrong now. And I won’t let it happen again.”

You smile up at him, and bring your hand to cup his cheek. It feels easy. Maybe too easy.

“I forgive you. And I’m sorry, I’m sorry for not kissing you.”

“It’s okay.” He turns and begins to make his way towards the door where your shoes are. “You can make it better, anyways.”

“What? Make it better?” You hurry up to him.

“Yeah. Like this.” He captures your lips with his, his hand winding around your back to pull you close. It’s a soft, sweet kiss, and when he pulls away, he’s grinning from ear to ear. “I don’t know if that’s ever going to get old.”

You turn your head only to find Jungkook staring at you guys, jaw hanging open.

“Jungkook—”

“I’m going to find Jin hyung. Take him up on his offer.” Jungkook hurries away.

Hoseok chuckles. “Jungkook’s going to have the ride of his life if Jin is the one he’s searching out.”

“I wonder if it’s not only Jin he’s excited to see though,” you muse. “There was something there with Taehyung that night too.”

At the mention of that night, Hoseok flushes, like an innocent flower.

“Do you get shy when I mention that?”

“Maybe.”

“Why?”

“Never thought I’d be talking about that kind of stuff with you.”

You scoff. “We hardly did any talking that night.”

“Talking, or, you know. The other stuff.”

You sidle up to him, wrapping your arms around his waist. “What other stuff?” you ask innocently, wanting to push him.

He flushes a little. “Um. You know. Sex.”

“Or Jin sucking you off.”

He coughs. “Or, yeah, uh, that.”

You laugh, slip on your shoes, and press out of the side door.

“C’mon loser. Let’s go.”

Winter teases the edge of the mountains, frost coating the ground, an icy chill whispering in the air. But the trees still hang onto their leaves, reds and the burning golds of the aspens making the world look like it’s lit aflame.

Outside, Hoseok seems to come to life again, his body resetting in the chill of the winter air. Born again, even as the plants die. Despite his vigor, you notice a quietness that settles around him as he looks back at the house disappearing behind him.

“Hobi—Are you okay?” you ask, as you begin up the steep trail. The house itself is located at the base of several peaks, and this is one you haven’t trekked up yet.

Hoseok nods, swallowing heavily. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.”

“What’s going on in your head, then?”

He pauses for a moment before answering: “There was one point in the conversation where I was worried that they—Yoongi especially—they were trying to push me out of the group or something, but I realized that they’re just trying to protect you.”

“Hobi. No one wants you out of the group. Especially not me.”

He smiles at you for that, and offers his elbow to you. You slip your hand through.

“Jimin and Yoongi can be so singularly focused sometimes. But I know they were just worried. I know they love you.”

Hoseok nods several times, like he’s processing what you’re saying. “What about you, darling?” Hoseok asks, turning his head to you. “How are you feeling? I know it was your suggestion that we keep this casual.”

Your jaw twitches a little at that. “Um. I...” You trail off, your gaze going blank over the beautiful scenery before you. “In all honesty, Hobi, it makes me a little scared.”

“What do you mean?”

“I understand the logic. That we need to broaden the parameters of our relationship. That we already love each other, that we all have expectations and feelings and thoughts about the situation, and that casual sex and all that just don’t work together. But I’m having a hard time not feeling scared of it all.”

Hoseok nods. “What is it that you’re afraid of?”

“I’m afraid if I let go of my feelings that everything will come crashing down,” you whisper, as if by speaking any louder the words themselves will usher ill-will into your world. Your throat is a little tight.

“What are your feelings?” Hoseok asks.

“God, I don’t even know,” you laugh.

“Try.”

You take a deep, shaky breath, your footsteps coming slower as you think hard.

“God, there’s so many.”

“Just one then.”

You look at him. Really look at him. The weariness of his face, the hope fluttering there, in the corner of his eye, the intensity and care with which he gazes at you with. “There’s you. And there’s this knowing that I want to be close to you.” You take a deep breath. “Closer to you.”

Hoseok laughs. “That’s a thought, silly.”

“Alright,” you say determinately. You let loose a long breath. “I feel regret. Regret that I didn’t kiss you the way I wanted to. That I didn’t make you feel wanted in the way that I wanted you. Anyways, that’s all so serious. We don’t have to be so serious.”

Even as you say it though, there’s an underlying sea of tension between you. Because you have talked about the missing kiss, you’ve talked about the sex, you’ve worked that all out. But neither of you are mentioning exactly where it all started: the night you kissed him for the first time. It hangs between you, large and unspoken. And yet all too tender to speak of.

“You could make it up to me, you know.” There’s a devilish glint in his eyes. His hand catches in yours and he tugs you to his chest. “Can I kiss you now?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

He kisses you soft and slowly, like he’s taking his time with you, like there’s no rush to urge him forward or responsibility waiting on the other side for him. He kisses you like you’re his, like he’s tasting you for the first time, like you’re something sweet and all his to savor.

He’s a fucking good kisser. And truthfully, it’s nothing like your first kiss with him, that awkward, clunking thing.

You pull back and grin at him.

“You’re a good kisser.”

As you smile at him, you realize: It feels normal again. Like old times, the two of you traipsing through the city together, arm in arm, wrecking havoc wherever you go.

“Hobi! Look! The view!” Right over his shoulder lies an incredible overlook, you’re not sure how you didn’t notice it before. Beneath you, the mountains sprawl in valleys and peaks, an ocean aflame. You’ve never seen anything like it. You run up to the edge of the cliff, the gravel beneath your feet slipping a little. You stumble once, but right yourself.

“Hey! Be careful!” Hoseok calls from behind you.

“I am! I am!” you call back, looking over your shoulder at him. He’s grinning at you, taking his time as he picks over the rocks to get to the edge like you are. But with your gaze distracted, as you near the edge of the cliff your foot slips out from under you. You are falling to the ground, feet flailing before you.

You hit the earth with a clunk, an “oof” leaving your chest involuntarily. But your body doesn’t stop. With the slight incline, it continues to slide forward, rolling over the little rocks and dust. You try to grasp onto anything near to you, with no luck, sand, bits of gravel sifting through your fingers, digging underneath your fingernails. The ground rushes past you. You clamber for anything. You’re falling. You’re falling towards the cliff.

Your legs go over first, then your torso. It happens in slow motion, adrenaline spiking fire through your body. That’s when you come alive. You flip over, hands grasping onto the ledge, stopping your fall.

The scattering of rocks falling beneath you is the only sound in the entire world.

“No!” Hoseok screams, his voice still so far away. But the sound of him, the ragged edge of a torn voice—it cuts right through you.

You’re terrified for him, terrified he’s going to slip and fall and go over the edge like you, but you need him. You need him. The wind howls beneath you, your heartbeat stuck in your ears, pounding.

The wall of the cliff retreats slightly beneath the ledge, leaving nothing for you to get a foothold on.

You’re going to die.

For a moment it all flashes before you, Hoseok screaming for help when you go, him sprinting down the trail to the house, your friends faces when they hear. You’re not ready. You’re not ready to go.

Your breath is stuck in your throat. There’s nothing left in you to call his name. But he sees you, he sees you, and he’s tripping over himself to get to you.

“Be careful!” you manage to cry out, and he slows down, picking his way carefully towards you. His hands are clenched into sweaty fists, the terror in his gaze bleeding into yours as he hurries towards you. “But fucking hurry! I can’t—”

Your fingers slip just enough for you to yelp.

“Hobi! Please!”

He reaches you then, bending down. He grips your wrist with one of his hands and with the other, grabs onto a small tree. His hands are shaking, his breath uneven.

“On three, I’m going to lift.” His eyes bore into yours, his voice mysteriously calm. It gives you direction. It gives you hope. “You’re okay. You’re going to be okay. One. Two. Three.” With a grunt, he uses the leverage of the tree to begin pulling you up.

You kick your legs and the best you can, begin to house yourself up. It’s messy, uncoordinated work, but you manage to hoist an arm over the top, then a knee. With Hoseok’s help you scramble over the ledge, your breath coming hard, your head hanging between your shoulders as you pant on all fours.

He doesn’t let go of you, hand wrapped painfully tight around your wrist. He tugs you forward, away from the edge, and you scuttle after him, pushing as far away as you can. “Come on, come on,” he urges, until you collapse in his arms.

“What the hell just happened?”

You reach for him with the hand he isn’t already holding, grip his hand tightly. With both hands around yours, you feel bound to him physically, even as your body still swings in the sensation of hanging by a thread.

“Fuck.” He wipes his hand over his face, your hand going with it. “I thought you were gone.”

His body shudders beneath yours.

“I’m not though—”

“But I thought you were. I thought you’d fallen. I thought—” His voice chokes up. “And then I saw your hands, grabbing on and oh my god. But I thought you were gone. I really did.” The look in his eyes is one of absolute grief.

“I’m okay, Hoseok,” you say gently.

He shakes his head. “Fuck, I’m the one supposed to be comforting you. Are you okay? Are you hurt?” He begins patting you down, looking for injuries.

“I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.” But you’re not. Your throat wells up, closes around you. You grip onto his hand even tighter, stopping his movements. “God,” you hiss, as the tears start to well up in your eyes. You wipe them furiously away with the back of your hand.

“Come here, let's get you away from that edge.”

He pulls you to your feet, nearly dragging you away from where you were sitting three feet away from the edge while your body freezes up. He pulls you all the way to the trail, where the ground is firmer, flatter. You find your footing. You just stand there.

He wraps himself around you. You’re there, wrapped up in him, just breathing. This goes on for you’re not sure how long. And then slowly your body begins to relax. To melt into him. Your fingers come back to life first, flickering, finding purchase in his jacket, tangling in the fabric and pulling him closer. Your breath syncs up with his while you let loose little sobs, your face pressed into the nook between his neck and his shoulder. Slowly, your body feels like your body again.

“I don’t want to lose you,” he murmurs into your hair. “I can’t lose you.”

“I don’t wanna lose you either,” you mumble back, taking a big sniff. “God, what the fuck is going on here, first the bear, then the forest, now this?”

“The forest?” Hoseok pulls back just enough to look at you, a puzzled expression settling on his face.

You shake your head. You don’t want to talk about it. You don’t want to have to explain. You don’t want him to think that you’re crazy.

You bury your face in his neck once more, squeezing him so tight you’re sure it must hurt. But he just squeezes you back. Holds you like you’re the only thing left in the world.

“Do you want to go back now?”

“I need—I need to sit. Just for a little bit.”

He nods and you both settle against the trunk of a very large tree. He doesn’t let go of your hand, though. He keeps it held tight in his lap, both hands surrounding yours. He looks at you, a muscle in his jaw twitching as he does, a look of concern flickering across his face.

“You’re safe now,” he whispers. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”

You close your eyes. Knock your head back against the tree. Stare up at the webbed pattern of the evergreen above you, the way the blue sky flickers through it. That’s when it wells up. That’s when it comes.

Tears, spilling down your face, silently.

It’s like you’ve been cracked open.

Everything comes to the surface.

It washes over you like a stormy ocean, the waves at the surface thrashing, the depths holding a deep, deep chill that you can’t escape.

Sometimes there’s a grief in you that rises to the surface. It comes burbling out of you like a secret pool, hidden away in the vast sprawl of mountains. It comes like the moonlight when the sky is clear, splitting through the night, unjarrable. It comes like poison: green and viscous and spilling out of you. You can’t swipe a hand through it, can’t stop the flow of it when it comes. There’s only one way out: through.

You’ll let the tears sit like window boxes of peonies before they spill out into the yard. But now they’re pouring.

“Hey, hey.” Hoseok repositions himself so that he’s between your legs, hugging you, wrapped around you. “It’s okay to let it out. It's okay.”

You nod into his shoulder, tears streaming down your face.

“I don’t wanna go. Not anymore.”

“I know, I know. It’s not your time. It’s not nearly your time.” And then he pauses at your words, really takes them in. His eyes widen in understanding, noticing the current beneath your words. He whispers your name. “Was there a time when you were? Wanting to go?”

You blink up at him through watery eyes. You nod.

“Shit,” he curses. “I didn’t know.”

“I hardly knew.”

“You didn’t—you wouldn’t—?”

You shake your head.

“No. I wouldn’t. But the thought was there.”

“What happened? When was this?” His whisper tears at the edges, like he’s falling apart with you.

The words come with the tears, tumbling out of you, welling up from that dark, deep place you can’t and won’t name. “I didn’t want to be here any more. There was a part of me that just wanted to disappear. To stop being.” You squeeze your eyes shut, and Hoesok’s grip on you tightens. The tears come quicker with the words, like you’re finally letting the thing out that you have been holding back for so long. That you’ve been too afraid to even admit to yourself. It rises like an interruption to the narrative you’ve built around yourself, but you can’t hold it back. Not anymore. The truth feels rattled from its cage. “Quarantine was harder than I thought it would be. The loneliness. It was so much. Nothing like I ever knew before. I just—” You choke on a sob. “I feel so lucky to be here with you all again. Like there’s light again. Like there’s living again.”

At the very beginning, when everything had come screeching to a halt, you had thought you were fine. But the monotony of life, the ensnaring of your life, the locked door, the world shut down beyond your fingertips—it had left you feeling like nothing more than a wild animal trapped in a cage. It wasn’t just a physical feeling. It was in your head. It settled in your very bones.

You’d begun to spiral. That’s when the thoughts set in, green and dark and deadened, like rotting leaves. They covered the floor of your mind, so that there was no escaping them.

“Shit,” Hoesok curses, and when he says your name, it’s with all the ache in the world. “I wish I had known. I wish you felt safe enough to tell me.”

“I think I needed to put myself away from everyone,” you whisper. “It was so hard to tell anyone. I thought… I thought that you all would see me differently if I told you.” You take in a shaky breath. “But I did get help. I went to the doctors. I went to therapy. Wasn’t an easy fix, but it helped a lot.” It had been a week after the thoughts had set in—just a week, though it had felt like ages longer—before you’d gone to Namjoon. He’d helped you, held you, gotten you to the right doctors and the right therapists. He’d taken all of the work out of your hands so that you hadn’t had to worry about a single thing. All you had to do was show up.

And he hadn’t let it change a thing in your relationship. He was still there, a comforting presence, in your life. He asked you what you needed, but he didn’t treat you like something broken. You especially appreciated this when you arrived at the mountain house, because it felt like you could have a new start, a fresh beginning, where you could leave this safely in the past.

But these things, these things don’t leave a body easily. That much is true. Coming back to an apartment with a lock on the door and a quiet world outside didn’t make things any easier. But things had slowly begun to shift. And ever since you had arrived at Namjoon’s mountain house, things felt like they were catalyzing. Like you were changing, for the better. Like instead of dust, light was coming through your cracks.

Hoseok grips your hands, a look of deep seriousness falling over his face.

“I—I don’t want to do it alone anymore,” you say. You sniffle and pull a hand away from him to wipe at your face. “Can I ask you something? Can I ask a promise of you?”

“Anything,” Hoseok says, and he seems like he means it.

“If it happens again, I want to know that you’ll be there. That you’ll be here for me.”

It’s Hoseok’s turn to choke up. “I’m so sorry I ever made you think I couldn’t be there for you, I’m so sorry—”

“Hoseok, I don’t need you to be sorry, I just need to know.”

He nods, wiping at his eyes. “Of course. Of course I’ll be there for you.” He sniffles. “And we can make it easy too. We can have a code word. If you feel it coming on, you can just text me ‘peanut butter.’ And we’ll take care of you. We’ll get you back.”

You nod, the tears beginning to slow.

“I love you, Hobi. I really do.”

“I know.”

He’s so close to you now, his eyes pressing into yours, a deep look of concern on his face.

You don’t know what comes over you, but you press your lips to his.

He tastes like the sea.

He stills with shock, going still beneath your touch. But then his hands come to your face, fingertips dragging through your tears as he cups your cheeks, thumbs wiping away the wetness. He kisses you back, a slowness to your desperation.

A massive confession, a near death experience—the adrenaline floods through you at a breakneck pace. Your body zings with energy, sparking at the tips of your fingers, and it feels like the only way out is through, well, him.

“I need you,” you say, tears spilling from your eyes. You’re not sure why you’re so emotional, and yet you can’t stop it, can’t stop the small hiccups that wrack your body, can’t stop the yearning that fills your chest, desperate, desperate to be satiated.

His eyes are wet too as he meets your lips, hands cupping your face as he squeezes his eyes closed and kisses you.

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve been needing you,” you admit, sniffing. “God, I must look so gross right now.”

“No, no, absolutely not.” He pulls away just enough to wipe away the beading tears that are gathering at your water line. The touch is so tender your eyes well up once more. “You don’t look gross. You look human. You look alive. And that’s what matters.”

“I feel like a boulder in athletic clothes.”

He laughs at that. “Then let me make you feel different.”

You sniffle. “Yeah.”

Slowly, he rolls the both of you over so you’re on top of him, straddling him.

“You’re a certain kind of lovely,” he says, whispering your name at the end of the sentence. “A kind of lovely that even with tears all over you and a good bit of dirt on your face, doesn’t disappear.” Your fingers come up to your face, where the dirt must be. He grabs your hands. “Don’t worry about it.” He kisses your lips. “Don’t worry about it.” He kisses your jawline. ”Don’t worry—“ He bites down on your earlobe and you arch into him. He grunts, as your core presses against his length.

A gasp rattles through you as you realize what’s beneath you. Between your legs.

“You’re so hard.”

“Touch it—if you want.”

You reach between your legs, letting your hand rest against him, squeezing, before running your hand up and down the length of him. There’s something about this all, the over-the-clothes setup, the rawness in your chest that makes this feel like you’re much younger, like you’re doing something like this for the first time. Or maybe it’s just Hoseok.

Hoseok takes the opportunity of your distracted mind to bite down on your earlobe again before sucking it into his mouth ever-so gently. You gasp, and your hand slips from him, coming to his neck, tilting his head. You kiss him furiously, angrily even.

How dare he make you feel like this.

You can feel a dampness growing between your legs, knowing it’ll stain the panties that you—against Jimin’s rules—decided to slip on today. And you’re glad you’re wearing them for once, worried you’ll sink through the layers of clothes you have on and onto Hoseok. Though, when you dripped onto Namjoon, he hardly seemed to mind.

Knees pressed into the dirt, your body feels like it begins to come back to you. It’s slow at first. The regaining of feeling in your fingertips, Hoseok’s skin beneath your touch, and then it’s the discomfort of small rocks pressing into your legs, a discomfort which is quickly overridden by the firm pressure of being held by the earth, of being held by Hoseok.

With your center pressed to him, you begin to grind against him, slowly at first, just unhurried dragging against his cock. He moans into your mouth. But today is anything but slow, meandering, and your pace soon quickens into a desperate grind.

His hands come down to your hips, fingers searching through the layers of clothes for your skin.

“N-need you, Hoseok—“ you gasp, as the tip of his cock presses against your clit. It’s a dull pleasure, one that’s building quickly though.

His hands are pulling at your clothes, and your leggings are being pulled down your legs. Your hands drift from his face to his pants, where you unbutton them. There’s an uncoordinated moment as both of you shimmy and jolt, trying to work your pants down. You both get about halfway–one leg out of your leggings, his pants down to his knees–before his lips are on yours again, his hands on your face, pulling you closer.

Not before you catch a glance of the bulge straining against the very limits of his boxer-briefs.

You sink down on top of him, your panties coming into contact with his cock, his hardened length sliding perfectly against your covered cunt.

His hands meet your hips once more. “Move your hips, like this,” he demonstrates, grinding your hips down upon himself. “Back and forth.”

You laugh. “Hobi, I know how to.”

“But don’t you wanna know how I like it?” He smiles up at you, a shit-eating grin on his face. “And then you can show me just how you like it.”

“I like it like…” You’re not entirely sure, trying to think back to the last time you grinded against someone like this, your clothes still on. You think it must have been with Taehyung, in the back of his car, when you were younger, much younger, scrambling your way through college. So you test out several different motions with your hips until you find exactly the one that works for you.

“Like this.”

With the tip of his cock pressing against your clit, it’s not long before a strangled moan makes its way out of your throat. He swallows it up like it’s his own.

There’s a certain kind of power to having Hoseok shuddering beneath you. A kind of thrill. Joy, even.

“F-fuck, Hobi,” you gaps, falling forwards so your lips meet again. As you kiss, his hips begin to buck up against yours. The movement feigns sex, and it feels even more desperate, more depraved than sex itself.

You pull him up so his chest is slotted against yours, your arms wrung around his neck. The both of you are panting in tandem, a breath in with a breath out. You squeeze your eyes shut as your orgasm nears.

It’s a kind of warm bleed, golden and burning through your body. You cry out as you come, and he’s not long behind you, gasping into your mouth, hands gripping tightly onto your hips as he holds you against his cock.

The comedown is slow. Foreheads tipped together, you stay like that for who knows how long. That’s when you notice: your tears have dried, leaving your body tired through and through, as if you’ve been wrung out like a wet towel.

“You’re special to me,” Hoseok says. “You’re really special. I don’t want you going anywhere.”

You nod.

“I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

And you know you mean it in all the ways that you could say it.

Hoseok helps you to your feet, personally pulling your leggings up for you, a move which is both sweet and a little funny to you. He does this before fixing himself up. You think he can’t be comfortable like that, come in his underwear, but he doesn’t say anything about it. Instead, he just swings an arm over your shoulder and kisses your cheek.

“Let’s get you home. I think there’s a conversation to be had between all of us.”

The hike down to the house is longer than you remembered it. As you step out of the forest, you can’t help but look back over your shoulder.

“Why can’t I go outside and it be normal?” you mumble, more to yourself than to anyone else.

“Hm?” Hoseok hums.

“Nothing.”

As you step into the house, one thing is clear to you: Your tango with death seems to have left you with a new vigor. You’re not giving this up. Not unless God wrangles it personally from your hands. You grip onto Hobi’s hand even tighter.

← || series m.list || →

THANK YOU FOR READING! 🔆 if you enjoyed this, please consider telling me what you think by leaving a comment, sending an ask, or reblogging! i love chatting with you all! 🔆 want to read more stories?

PERMANENT TAG LIST @spicykoreantatertots @usuallynervoussheep @myimaginationsrunningwild @lucedelsole97 @yoong-i @kookieskiwi @ries-universe @minyoongiboongi @shameless-army @frisianqueen @emmmui @rm4lyf @kelly-luvya @baby-g @madseok @elyte @twobirdsinabox @peonymoonchild @sweetmustardleduc @rkivian @boubourella @sugalaritae @herecomesjoon @hopelesslylivv @parkdatjimin @blairscott

335 notes · View notes