#tis that time of the month (a few days before my period. yay for having pmdd lol) where i just.

[essenceofarda]

.

[facks-stories]

Completely forgot all about this, anyway gather around kids

[tw: sa,mentions of hyper sexuality]

[tldr: at the bottom in blue]

Basically I’m single now, what happened was my boyfriend told me a few weeks ago (like a month and a week) that a girl in his class flirted with him, I wasn’t made because I didn’t really care and said “as long as you didn’t flirt back then idc”

Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago, we are talking about out types in dating, this is where I found out i don’t really have a type and that I’m demi-sexual (yay for figuring that out) and when I ask him if he ever found anyone else attractive besides me (because i was curious because i had never found anyone but him attractive) he said he found the girl in his class to be attractive-

I found that was weird but i pushed it off for like 5 minutes before he told me the truth and said he flirted back, his reasoning was “I didn’t think it was cheating at the time” and we took a break from talking for about 3 days before i gave up and gave him a breakdown of our whole relationship

(I know we voted for just the pass 3 weeks but this ties in)

BASICALLY 2 years ago he sa’d and physically abused me, but because I’m naturally stronger then him i never hit him back i just told me to stop and moved away from him, he claimed (back then) that I wouldn’t communicate that I didn’t like it (I definitely did) and that i he wasn’t going to apologize, his defense being that i had a outlash at another person (that said person was hitting me with a object over and over again even after i told him to stop so I threatened the person) and that I outlash at people who care therefore he didn’t need to apologize for abusing me because I “deserve” it

So the end of that school year we broke up which was when he put all that in a letter

Now to 1 year later, the next school year, I am still deeply in love with him at this point dispite not being in a relationship with him, and wouldn’t you know! I got put in all the same classes (except one period) with him

This drove me crazy to the point I made a letter, I’m going to be honest I don’t know what I put in the letter at all but it was a get back together letter, I really made it to calm my nerves down so I could make it through the year on some type of delusion,

Insert one of my new friends, I told her the story (about the letter I wrote) and I gave it to her to read which I assumed she would just throw it away after- she didn’t, her next class was right next to the class that I didn’t have with him and she dropped it there (not sure exactly how this happened but 🤷) and he picked it up,

Later in our next class there was a note from him accepting my request to get back together and after that we started dating again,

Now that this point I had been sa’d by two people (two different people but they were both continuous) (the first on was a girl he had liked and the second one was him himself) I suspect at this point I developed hyper-sexuality, and that mixed with his lack of control led us to have a sexual relationship (won’t say past that) point is, we were sexual at some point,

Now during all that one of his friends also started sa’ing me, and once again I did not fight him (the 3rd sa’er) because I was stronger then him, and we were both in a club and I didn’t want everyone to know I was the reason he would be gone,

I told my bf at the time (lets call him jack so this doesn’t get confusing) a few days later he said that the sa’er had bragged about always sa’ing me , i don’t know what he did in that moment but afterwards I still saw them hanging out, and since jack would be hanging out with the sa’er near me it only made me uncomfortable (I felt this was something I didn’t have to say you shouldn’t do but 🤷)

Anyway to recently,he once said that he was irritated with me sending him a bunch of tweets and that he wasn’t going to watch it, prior to this I felt like we were only talking about things he likes and when I would say something about something that we both didn’t like and it was only me he would push me off, he also couldn’t comfort me, so him joking about not watching something I sent put me in a bad mood for 3 days

He said that he needed a break because I wouldn’t be happy talking to him and he felt like he was fucked if he asked what as wrong and fucked if he didn’t, but at the time I didn’t know why I felt off and upset, but we talked it through , not sure what conclusion we came to then

A few (weeks? Months? Idk) We got into a argument,basically he gave me advice that I didn’t want or need, i got mad and told him fine i’ll do the advice and he hung up on me (i was playing a game while we called) Since prior he told me about my communication issues so about 30 minutes later i told him I didn’t want him to do that anymore, i rushed my emotions to figure out why I was upset because last time I waited too long and it made him upset

He got angry and said I should’ve said that right then as it happened, I agreed but said since I didn’t what can I do to fix it because I said immediately what the problem was (which btw I later found out I got the reason I was upset wrong because I rushed it)

He said he didn’t know and suggested we break up, we didn’t talk for a day after and then we stayed together,

A week later we had a planed discussion on what our problems were in our relationship (btw I suggested we have this discussion because I was trying to be clear in my communication) all he said was my lack on communication, what I said was he treating me like friends with benefits (I didn’t explicitly say that, but thats the summary) I said that he doesn’t really play attention and I also didn’t like some of the jokes he made, I had brought this up a while ago and he said he would stop but never did

And then we continued on

And BACK TO 3 WEEKS AGO!!! WOOOO!!!

On the 3rd day of not talking I gave him a literal essay on where everything went wrong, I had already formally apologized for my wrongs in the past as they came up but I re-apologized just incase, his apologys were a “I’m sorry”

I suggested we definitely break up (because of other reasons I wouldn’t state here, I did not trust him with anything now, not even our relationship) and then he told me he could be poly

I have no problem with poly, if he had told me without acting on his urges and having self control like he has previously proven he doesn’t NOT have, then idc, I understand being ploy enough to know nothing will change and I wouldn’t give too shits, to me it would’ve meant I get to accurately call him bitchless

But no, instead of doing the ONE thing he has always been crying about me not doing, communication- he did something stupid, really I don’t doubt he was ploy, but i had a feeling he knew before hand but kept it a secret and is just now using it as a excuse. I basically had a mental breakdown and went back to rethinking the last 3 years of my life and couldn’t decide weather to break up or not, at this point I was deeply in love and in denial about everything (sa, him cheating)

So at the point we didn’t break up, but about 2 days later it was like a cut off, if you have ever been in love and also had a friend, you can tell the clear, I’m talking CLEAR difference between how you feel about them, but all of a sudden I didn’t want to be affectionate, or be all in love, and when I thought about him being ky boyfriend I felt nothing instead of that happy feeling I got

At this day I knew I fell out of love just as hard as I fell into it, but I still was trying because I still remember how much being in love felt like, it was nice and I just assumed it was one day off

Then it became two and three, then we were on the phone again, I tried talking about a debate topic I thought we could debate, he ignored me, I started again and he just told me I was wrong, went to look something up and said exactly what I said but different words so I knew at this point he wasn’t paying attention,

So I flat out asked him, do you want to have a conversation or do you want me to just reply to what you say, he froze? Like he just said “idk” the one time I communicated JUST like he told me to, he froze- but I knew I didn’t love him then because I wasn’t even hurt, I continued the rest of the call just replying to what he said

Then about 4 more days after that I could do it anymore, I felt like a liar and though he has literally ruined me (story for another paragraph) i thought no one deserved to be lied to, so i asked if we could talk and he said yes

I told him i think i fell out of love and he shut me down, saying we just had a stressful week and that he doesn’t want to do it again, i shut down (for the first time in a while actually.. i was going good) and said ok and went about my day until he texted me again

He said sorry and that shutting me down while i was communicating was wrong, I agreed, I told him that I don���t really feel any more love for him, I have him options, break up and block, breakup and stay friends, or stay together

He asked me to stay together, a day later we let sticky toes free (the frog I kidnapped on facetime with him,) and we didn’t talk for a few minutes after that because he didn’t want to be on the phone while I was outside,

Once I got back inside I texted him but he seemed off and I asked if he was ok, he said yea so I asked if he just wanted to talk later and he said yes

Since it was getting late and he sleeps kinda early I said I’ll just say gn now, I said I good night without a I love you because I didn’t want too and I felt like a liar,

He didn’t reply

He texted me a hour or two just venting about something unrelated to this, I suggested that he should sleep and we can talk about it when hes not too tired, I said good night again without a I love you

The next day he said we could break up because he realized that I really can’t treat him like I used to,

And to ever since!!! Yippee, basically I’ve been making jokes, a part of me is starting to not even like him but I’m so out of love that I don’t even care to cut it off I just talk to anyone other then him, and I keep making jokes about him being a bad person because the part of me that wants to see him feel guilt really gets the spotlight without my meds

Anyway life has been freeing, yall know that post I made saying I’ve healed (kinda) yea this is what this was about,

I’ve had go stop talking my meds because its making me hallucinate so that is very cash money so I told him I wouldn’t talk to him too much until I can get new advice

Anyway on to how he ruined me, basically I was diagnosed with ptsd at the mental hospital from the abuse 2-3 years ago, and i got a physical diagnosis was a diagnosis that was caused by my PTSD (my health has made me fail my grade and now i have to do extra credit to pass with the grade i was supposed to) I couldn’t go to school at all last year and I went through hell, I am in constant pain and I still am because my treatment is a lot of money so my parents are figuring something out, crazy to think this wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t met 2 people..

Tldr:

My ex bf caused my PTSD by physically and sexually abusing me, and then cheated on me and was a hypocrite about communicating, and thats why hes my ex, my PTSD was also the cause of my heath and now i am in constant pain  

Gang I realize I don’t talk to you guys that long lmao-

Uh anyone want a recap of like the last 2-3 weeks?



[parkers-gal]

yay! okay so I was thinking, what I'd the reader and Tom had a fight, could be over anything, but the reader was pregnant and a few years after, they bump into each other and they get back together. Sorry if it doesn't make sense.

this has been sitting in my inbox for a fat couple of months… sorry 😭

wc: 1.7k ! <3

—

“No, because you’re selfish and you can’t handle the fact that my life doesn’t revolve around you and your needs.” Tom spits out the words angrily, viciously, voice harsh and crisp.

You’re both frustrated beyond belief, and the bubble that had been overblown had finally popped, splattering your relationship and all the joyful aspects of it. Right now, you felt as if all that was left was the toxicity of two unbearable people who happened to love each other. You knew, deep down, that you loved each other enough to get through this, but with every passing moment, with every exchanged word, you realized at least one of you wouldn’t survive the damage.

“No, Tom. You’re selfish. You’re conceited and you only care about being a goddamn movie star. What happened to the family man, huh? What happened to staying tied down with me and your brothers?”

“Nothing happened to him! I’m still that person. I am a family guy.”

“Not to me, you aren't.”

“Well you’re not family!” He seethes through his teeth, anger radiating off of his short-tempered demeanor. You don’t even know how to react, so you spend the time soaking in the situation and how you should respond instead of actually doing it.

“You’re a fucking jackass. I asked when I could spend time with you and now you don’t even consider me as part of the family.”

“No,” He’s clear and concise even through the anger. “You asked when I’m going to stop living my life.”

“I said no such thing.”

“You didn’t have to! We both know that’s what you meant.”

“You’re not even on the same page as me anymore,” You scoff, arms crossing. “Seems like all this time in Hollywood made you forget that you’re not always the main character.”

“Fuck that, Y/N! Fuck! That!”

“No, Tom. Fuck. You.” You over-express your emotions, and after two more minutes of unbearable silence and screaming, he’s leaving your apartment just as fast as he arrived. You’re in shock, fingers shaking while you clear your throat, which is frayed and sore from all the yelling.

You sit back, elbows on your knees while your hands smoothen out your forehead. Tear after tear escapes your sobbing body, and eventually, you fall asleep on the couch.

In the weeks to come, you’ve realized the blow-out of a breakup could’ve been handled so much differently, but Tom hasn’t seemed to cool down at all — he’s petty enough to unfollow you on all social media, and you figure it’s time to let the hatred be mutual. You don’t touch your imessages, however, letting the love in those texts linger for a little longer.

Before you know it, you’re throwing up into the toilet boil, coughing violently at the action and spitting the bitter taste as best you can. You clean up, and when you check your phone, a small notification from your period tracker app alerts you that this is the second period in a row that has gone by without a hello.

Worried, you call Aisha, your closest friend and confidant. She’s over in no time, bringing along her girlfriend while you rant on the phone about your worries. They stop at the drugstore on the way.

The cause of your problems is discovered that day, and you collapse on the bathroom floor in agony, hands wiping at your face — through all the anger and fear and worry, you still love Tom. So much that Aisha even attempts to call Tom. But, alas, it’s sent straight to voicemail, and you realize he might’ve gone to extreme extents in blocking everyone.

You’re stuck going to the ultrasound with two lesbians and a frail old cat. Aisha is as supportive as ever, but as the doctor explains the process of each option, you feel sicker and sicker about the idea of getting rid of the fetus. In the end, you choose to keep the child you’re bearing, even if your ex-lover isn’t even in the picture.

Inevitably, the months pass, and as baby Charlie is brought into the wonderful world, you realize life as a single mother isn’t as scary as you thought it would be. In the first few months of your pregnancy, you’d kept tabs on what film Tom was doing and which was coming out next, but after the hormones and cravings, you’d decided to let the past sizzle and fade out in the way it was meant to all along.

It’s been almost three years since that fateful breakup, and Charlie is just reaching two and a half years old. You’re still single, and you’re okay with that. Charlie is all you need, all you’ve ever wanted, and the most important thing in your life. He’s young, and school is still a couple years away, but you enjoy having the toddler by your side, walking hand in hand with you because you’re his guardian, his provider, his only parent. You make him your only priority, because you don’t want him to grow up without anyone to love, or anyone to love him.

It’s hard, though. It’s hard because he’s a constant reminder of what didn’t happen, a constant reminder of what went wrong and of what you no longer have. You miss Tom more than words can express, and Charlie’s mop of brown curls reminds you of all the moments you’d run your fingers through Tom’s hair. You reminisce more than you’d like to, about Tom and your past, and though Charlie is technically half of the Brit, he’s one hundred percent yours. Because you’re the only one here, and that’s alright.

“Mummy,” Charlie tugs on your shirt’s hem while you move the shopping cart forward through the aisle. “Can we get the goldfish with superheroes?”

You jutt your lip out in a smile, nodding happily. “Of course we can, bub.”

As you step forward, you pit stop in the aisle, nearly tripping on the cart. You make direct eye contact with the man you used to love with your entire heart. The man who walked out with your heart and never gave it back. He’s staring right back at you, curls looking as fluffy as ever, face still a soft glow. Your breath hitches, and it’s then that you realize Charlie is still talking.

“Mummy?” He asks, and it’s just loud enough for Tom to hear. Harry, who’s beside Tom with an arm full of crackers and chips. Tom moves forward a few steps, hastily in an attempt to get more information.

“Uh, hi,” His smile is tight lipped as he stands at the other end of your shopping cart. Charlie shies away from strangers, standing behind your leg and holding your shirt with his grubby hands.

“Hi,” you return his awkward, reserved demeanor.

“Mummy who’s this?”

“‘Mummy?’” Tom has a follow up question for everything, and you internally panic, unsure on how to approach this.

You’d spent so long deciding how you should tell Tom that he was a dad. You spent hours debating on if you should pick up the phone or drive over just to tell him a truth you’ve kept inside for so long. You’ve abandoned social media, only sharing aspects of your life you can afford to post. Charlie is only occasionally on your page, but it’s not like Tom would see that, not after all that’s happened.

Your mouth opens and closes while you debate on how to reply. You’re physically incapable of saying your response, and it makes you even more nervous. You’re nervous on how he might react, what he’ll say, but most importantly, if he’ll stay.

“Is this…?

“My kid…” You fill in. “I- I mean our… our kid.” You pull your bottom lip between your rows of teeth, and you watch as Tom’s face undergoes thousands of expressions all at once. He’s surprised, shocked, happy, afraid, uncertain. You want the world to swallow you whole, suck you up so you don’t have to go through any of this again. But you don’t. Instead, you hold Charlie’s hand a little tighter.

“Our kid?” He drops a can of soup and you flinch at the loud noise.

“Mummy, who’s that?”

“That’s…” You don’t know how to answer his question. Instead, you lean down to his level, comfortingly and gently. “He’s a man.”

“Who’s that man?”

“He’s… your daddy.”

“I thought… no daddy?”

You purse your lips and furrow your brows. Tom’s watching the entire encounter from his place, but after a few beats, he steps forward, entering your bubble. Charlie doesn’t cower away this time, but looks up in curiosity.

“Hi, Charlie,” Tom extends his hand, adjusting his jeans so he can lean down just as you are, kneeling beside the young boy.

You look down, avoiding your worries and Tom’s gaze. He’s tearing up, and you want to cry too. You’re in a fucking supermarket, for god’s sake. This wasn’t how you envisioned any of this planning out, and though you’re mentally kicking yourself for letting it happen this way, you can’t help but feel like maybe this was meant to be. Written in the stars or whatever the folks say — you’re just grateful Charlie has at least a sliver of hope for two parents. Not that you can’t handle it, because you can, but you know someone like Tom wouldn’t want to miss something as important as this.

“I’m To- I’m…” He swallows thickly, making brief eye contact with you before looking back at Charlie. “I’m your dad.”

“Do you love my mummy?” He’s not shameless, but he’s still that shy little boy. “My friend says daddy’s love mommy’s so you must love mine, right?”

Tom lets a tear fall while he exhales a chuckle. He swipes the drop with the tips of his fingers, and the hand gripping Charlie’s squeezes it a little tighter. A glance in your direction is all it takes for him to answer Charlie’s question. “Yeah, buddy. I do.”

want more? my masterlist.

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[cherrynojutsu]

Title: Like Silver

Summary: A companion series for Like Gold.

Sakura misses him so much. She misses the faint smell of woodsmoke and sage, and mismatched eyes captivating in their intensity and unfathomable depths. The Rinnegan is beautiful, soft lavender ringed by hypnotizing layers of circle and tomoe, but flecks of silver dance in his right, tiny asterisms bewitching in nature, if one gets close enough; she’d first noticed it when they were children at the Academy. She knows they're Itachi's now, a slightly different scattering of luminaries aglow in the deep pitch of obsidian, but they're still as enthralling to her as they had been back then. She dreams of that silver sometimes, recalls it any time she sees something similar in color or reflet.

Blank period, canon-compliant, Sakura-centric, some expanded plot points from Like Gold, fluff and pining, eventually becomes a smut fest with feelings.

Disclaimer: I did not write Naruto. This is a fan-made piece solely created for entertainment purposes.

Rating: M (eventual nsfw-ness)

AO3 Link - FF.net Link - includes beginning/ending author's notes

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Chapter 1/?: An Introduction to Electrocardiography

Sakura gazes out the window of her office, a pile of paperwork set aside for a poetic sort of procrastination, trying to indulge for once in a Konoha spring, though she's finding it arduous.

As pretty as it is this time of year, all she can manage to feel is wistful.

Hanami has come and gone already for the most part, though there are a few stubborn cherry blossom trees lingering at the tail end of their blooming. She can see one here from her window, up on the hillside that slopes towards Hokage Rock, clinging to the uneven land. She’s sure its roots have to be all twisted, a labyrinth of gnarled wood clinging to any scrap of land it can wind itself around as its branches and petals try against all odds to reach upwards into the open sky that she can’t take her eyes off of.

There’s a metaphor in there somewhere, but it’s one she doesn’t care to unpack.

This year was her twentieth viewing of her namesake, though Sakura obviously doesn't remember the first few. Her parents take great pride in the retelling of tales from those first few years of her life, the ones she was too little to remember. The highlights come up annually on her birthday without fail, how she grasped at the petals like they were something precious, clutched in her sticky little hands the entire day.

A framed photograph is perched on one of the built-in shelves of her parents' living room, of her and her father on her first birthday. He was holding her up on unsteady legs, ridiculously proud and pointing towards the camera where her mother had been trying to get her to look. Her short pink hair was flying absolutely everywhere, matching the fluttering petals and in-bloom cherry blossom tree in the background, chubby hands grasping upwards. Strawberry cake and frosting were smeared all over her cheeks. They’d had a picnic for her, at the park nearest to their house.

“We came home and cleaned you up, and then your father helped you water your tree for the first time, in the little pink watering pail you unwrapped earlier. You were so cute.” That’s what her mom says every year. Sakura has the sentence memorized at this point, could recite it on cue, if she needed to.

Her parents had planted a cherry blossom sapling in their backyard a few days after they brought her home from the hospital as a newborn, so the tree is around the same age she is. She used to spend time under it often, as a kid, and some of her earliest memories involve sprawling beneath it to study the heavens while her mother gardened. She would also sneak berries from the patch when her back was turned. Sometimes her dad would join in her pilferage, and they would sit beneath the tree like a couple of bandits with stained lips, though those first few years she can remember he barely fit underneath it, as tall as he is. Many a tickle fight had been had, shaded by those branches. She would read books there on nice afternoons, when she was a little older.

The tree is fully grown now, also on the final cusp of its blooming for the year, floriferous wood expanded outwards to drape her childhood stomping grounds in a sea of soft pink. They have a picnic under it every year, in her family’s backyard, when they celebrate her birthday together. Her actual birthday has come and gone, but her birthday dinner is two days from now. Her parents swung by her apartment on Sunday afternoon for a bit with outlandishly large cupcakes, but her mom had mentioned they’d do dinner and a gift on their usual night, Thursday, since it works so well with their schedules every other week.

“We have to have your picnic, under your tree, like always. It’s a tradition! My beautiful girl. I can’t believe you’re twenty. It seems like just yesterday you were only yay high,” her dad had told her, gesturing below his knees before hugging her too tightly, ruffling the hair she'd inherited from him before they left. The cupcakes were strawberry with cream cheese frosting, one of her favorite treats. They’d left her with four extra to enjoy between then and Thursday, one for each day if she wanted it, turning her birthday into more of a week-long affair than a one-day celebration.

She and Ino had demolished two of them while watching some of the terrible movies they love to hate together, later that evening. It had been a smorgasbord of strawberries, really, because they'd washed them down with strawberry daiquiris, sugary sweetness topped with ridiculous amounts of whipped cream. They'd sat on her balcony, after, sipping a little tipsily and just looking.

"You should try to enjoy your namesake more this year, Forehead. You're so busy that I'm not sure you've realized, but you've really grown into it," Ino had said, beckoning vaguely towards a Konoha beginning to bloom, renewed with a warm breeze, spring ushered in by a fluttering of pink petals. Ino likes to give compliments in roundabout ways, she’s learned over the course of their friendship; crass as the blonde can be, she does have her moments. Her words meant a lot to Sakura, so she’s trying to take them to heart, to stop and smell the cherry blossoms, so to speak. It won’t be long before Konoha crescendos into the sweltering heat of the summer.

She loves her parents and her friends. She really does.

But birthdays are weird, Sakura thinks.

Last year, Sasuke had sent her a letter on her birthday. She’s reread it so many times that she has it more than memorized; it’s stitched into the muscle tissue of her heart at this point, or maybe scarred into the lining of her aortic valve, sempiternal markings adorning the tunnels that sustain her, causing her breath to catch every time.

Sakura,

Hanami has come to the wilderness in the Land of Honey. Bees are awakening and foraging for the first pollen of the season, with which to begin again. Cherry blossom petals are everywhere, lining the pathways and floating on the water.

Happy birthday.

-Sasuke

It had been short, simple, and even a little poetic; she had cherished it, as she does all of his other letters. She’d cherished the pressed flower with it just as much; a cherry blossom, neatly flattened with a precision that screamed Sasuke, near exactly the same shade of pink as her hair.

Sakura had started crying when she unfolded the paper to reveal it sitting atop his words. His hawk had waited patiently at her office window for a response to be written and tied to its leg, perched atop the windowsill and watching the goings-on of the village below, absolutely no concept in its predator brain of how much she delights in seeing it fly, a graceful tether to the boy - now man - she has been in love with for ages.

Cherry blossom petals are everywhere. Is there a hidden meaning there, or is she making a mountain out of a molehill?

She’s tried not to read too much into the letters. She's not sure if he sends any to Naruto or not; she's too afraid to ask, because she'll either get a heart-pounding hope if he doesn't get them, or a soul-crushing disappointment if he does. She can't imagine him sending a yellow flower to Naruto, but he may very well have sent him a different gift for his birthday.

Maybe he just thought she would like a flower, which she did - it’s pressed for safekeeping, along with all of his other correspondence to her, sporadically and chronologically throughout a book she keeps on her nightstand, An Introduction to Electrocardiography. It is her take on an album of small things she holds close to her own heart, things she wishes she could read in his. Sakura didn’t want to buy an actual album for such a thing; that felt too formal, for something as ambiguous as her ties to Sasuke, overflowing on her end as they may be. So she’d settled on a book about deciphering the heart’s tells based on science only, electrical impulses and repolarization, the sizes and positions of the chambers, how to diagnose conditions utilizing one’s findings. It’s one she doesn’t need access to anymore, extremely familiar with EKGs after years of study. She’d wanted it to be something no-nonsense, all hard facts and data on how to read activity plotted over time.

Evidence-based. Are letters evidence, though? She’s not sure that would hold up as empirical proof in any of the scholarly journals she’s studied or submitted work to since beginning her research. She thinks wryly, though, based on what she has witnessed get published, that scientific verification doesn’t always matter if you know the right people.

She’s thought many times sifting through it that perhaps it is too optimistic, too hopeful of a book subject for such a thing. Sakura has agonized over it, frankly, wondering whether it was an inappropriate choice.

...But now that they’re in there, it might ache worse to move them somewhere else.

It’s the last day of March now, and she didn’t get a letter this month, which is unusual, because she’s gotten one near each month in the time that he’s been away. She’s paged through the book a few times over the past several days, rereading and admiring the preserved sakura blossom, frozen in suspended animation indefinitely on a page about precordial leads.

Sakura hadn’t really expected anything from him for her birthday, other than a monthly letter like he usually sends... but this year she didn’t even get that. She’s trying really hard to not be disappointed. She has so much to be thankful for, in the grand scheme of things...

...But the petals of the cherry blossom from last year have faded over time, she’d evaluated yesterday, sitting in her bedroom. It might be like her, always pressed in a book, fading whilst stuck indefinitely between the boundless teeth of academia. There is always more data to record, more evidence, with which one can prove or disprove their findings.

No letter this month, though. Nothing to record, no new evidence.

It might be time to move the letters somewhere else, she thinks pensively. Maybe a place where she’s not tempted to look at them all the time; their placement in the book, small scraps of paper that stick out in only a couple of places, makes it easy to go back and reread them. She’s pretty sure she has an empty shoebox in her closet that she could move them to, in a pile rather than catalogued between pages rife with information and a fragile sort of hope. Maybe she’ll do it tonight, put it up in the far right corner of the upper shelf, shoved towards the back so she can’t reach it without the stool, so she’s not tempted whenever the next bout of heartsickness slams into her like one of Tsunade-shishou’s fists used to. She needs to go by the library after work first, to return some things, but maybe when she gets home, she’ll do it. She could eat a cupcake, too; that might make it a little easier.

Sakura misses him so much. She misses the faint smell of woodsmoke and sage, and mismatched eyes captivating in their intensity and unfathomable depths. The Rinnegan is beautiful, soft lavender ringed by hypnotizing layers of circle and tomoe, but flecks of silver dance in his right, tiny asterisms bewitching in nature, if one gets close enough; she’d first noticed it when they were children at the Academy. She knows they're Itachi's now, a slightly different scattering of luminaries aglow in the deep pitch of obsidian, but they're still as enthralling to her as they had been back then.

She dreams of that silver sometimes, recalls it any time she sees something similar in color or reflet. There’s an extremely unique necklace in an antique shop she visits with Ino and Sai from time to time, and occasionally on her own, over on the northeast side of town. It’s a salt-and-pepper diamond, dark grey with inclusions, dainty and set in what must be a hand-fabricated setting. It hangs from a silver chain, towards the back of a display case filled with other vintage and distinctive pieces, but it’s the only one she ever finds herself drawn to. It is so similar to his right eye, dark smoke near black, speckled with beguiling silver startling in its clarity. The bevel cut reveals new flecks dependent on the angle at which you view it.

Sakura studies it closely on each visit, because it is so hauntingly breathtaking and it reminds her of him.

Ino has said it’s not her color, and that she should stick to warm tones and gold, for which she is better suited; Sakura has not confessed to her why it catches her eye so much. Sai has agreed with his girlfriend on the coloring note, sensitive as he is to such things, but the way he studies her every time she tears herself away from it makes her suspect he knows exactly why it captivates her so. It’s been sitting there for years at this point; she has to mentally talk herself out of buying it on each visit. It’s beautiful, but she would spend far too much time gawking at it, and it might hurt more with extended study than the gentle tugging at her heart she experiences when she’s in that old building throughout tiny fragments of lackadaisical afternoons.

Sasuke has been gone for a long time. She hopes he's finding the peace he's been seeking, that he's seeing the world with new eyes just as he'd imagined. She thinks of him every day, sends out little orisons like petals in the breeze in the hopes that they’ll find him, wherever he is.

I wonder where he is now.

Try as she does to enjoy the breath of spring Konoha is right now, and her namesake as Ino said, all she can seem to do is shift her vision to the sky, hoping against hope for a glimpse of a familiar bird-of-prey that will stay an ample amount of time for her to craft a response, before it abvolates away for another month.

Sakura smiles, then, close to laughing at the absurdity of it all, because she is so predictable. She loves this village despite its many flaws and challenges, despite the things about it she and Naruto and Kakashi-sensei and Ino and even Tsunade-shishou, off in the Land of Wind, are trying to change, but even after so many years, she’s still pining for something beyond it, something in the wilds of the sky just beyond her reach.

There’s always next year, she supposes, pupils drawn again towards the outstretched branches of the cherry blossom tree on the hill, before trailing her eyes along further. She can grow a little more to try to reach him. When she was little, she had wanted to grow tall so she could try to touch a star, like the branches of the tree in her backyard did when she and her father laid beneath them on balmy summer nights. He would tell her ridiculous stories about all of the constellations, things she knew had to be untrue, even at the ripe age of five. Precocious, he’d always called her, but in the loving, joking manner he had.

Her gaze follows the horizon, leisurely taking in the rest of her home. It really is a lovely day, despite her yearning. Spring is here again, and today's is a gentle sunset, one last little bit of sunlight with which to conclude March. The temperature is already spiking, unusually warm for early spring, but summers in the Land of Fire are always hot. She really should finish her paperwork, but it’s hard to find the motivation just yet.

Something possesses her, then, to turn her neck more, take in more of the skyline's continuation. She wants to see all of it.

And then Sakura’s eyes fall on an achingly familiar figure cloaked all in black, perched only a roof away and observing her, and she thinks she must have nodded off, because she has to be dreaming.

She subtly pinches herself in the millisecond of time that follows, but she is very much awake.

The words are blooming out of her throat before she can even process what’s happening, exultation sinking into her every vein. “Sasuke-kun!” She moves to crank her window open the rest of the way, and he hops from the neighboring roof down into her office, all nimble legerity that she still thinks has to be a mere mirage conjured from her memories. When he straightens to his full height, she muses that he has to have grown taller. The mere sound of his footsteps on the tile flooring, as familiar a refrain to her as if he’d just walked out of the village yesterday, are a treasure beyond price.

“Sakura.” His voice is a rich timbre that she has desperately felt the absence of; hearing him say her name almost makes her want to cry. She smiles wider instead, to the extent that it almost hurts, and her gaze latches hungrily onto the very eye she was just daydreaming about. A storm of soot and silver, beveled into countless fragments like some kind of dark, rustic diamond, and so staggeringly beautiful that she’s pretty sure she’s blushing just from beholding it. Gods, it's not fair for someone to be so handsome.

“When did you get back?” She asks, utterly overcome with joy. This is better than a letter or any birthday gift she could have received, brighter than any star she’s beheld.

“Just now.” He’s smiling, a small and subtle upturn of lips that is so characteristic of him. Then his words hit her, and her face must be getting redder.

Just now? As in…

“I’m sorry I missed your birthday,” he adds before she can simmer on that for too long, and she has to blink in bewilderment, because that is the absolute last thing she expected him to say. Sakura wonders how much heat can creep into one’s face before they spontaneously combust.

Then she realizes she should probably respond, as humans tend to do in conversations. “Oh! Um… it’s okay.” She folds her hands in front of her shyly, grinning like an idiot. “Thank you for remembering.”

There is a lengthy moment in which she just soaks him in, hoping he can read in her eyes how much she’s missed him. He is still so beautiful, prized eyes and aristocratic angles that have solidified a bit more into the face of a man in the time that’s passed. His hair is different now, covering his Rinnegan eye. His cloak is a little more threadbare, too. He’s tall.

His expression, normally unreadable, is calm. Content, even.

There’s a question nagging at her that she knows she needs to ask. She tries not to bite her lip as she asks it, braces herself for the possibility of not liking the answer.

“Are you… just back for a little while?”

Did you find what you were searching for?

He gazes at her for so long that she thinks he may be glimpsing her soul, peeking into her ventricles to see his own words immortalized there, seared into her core to be felt each time her blood pumps.

“...For more than a while.” And she smiles the biggest she ever has. Oh, this is so much better than a letter or a gift.

“Well, welcome back, Sasuke-kun. It’s… very good to see you again.” It feels as if a piece of her heart has been returned to her, something of the divine stitched back into her chest and full to bursting in omneity.

There is a pause, and then he’s reaching his hand out towards hers, initiating physical contact with a touch that is feather light, so gentle she thinks she is going to start sobbing.

She can’t help it; she pulls him into a hug, tinged with elation. She hopes he doesn’t mind too much; he stiffens for a brief moment, but then settles, wrapping his arm around her and settling his head atop of hers, and she could die happy right there, embracing him with feelings momentarily set free from where they’ve been whelved into her chest.

He smells faintly like sage and smoked cedar, just as she remembered. She can hear his heart thumping, a strong cadence, and it grounds her. Oh, she’s missed him.

“...I’m home, Sakura.” Soft words float above her head, and she can feel the vibration of them through his chest, right by her ear.

Oh, she’s crying.

Sasuke lets her embrace him for a long time, for which she is so grateful. She knows he’s not one for physical contact; it’s a privilege to be allowed into his space even for a single second, let alone for an extended period.

She draws back eventually, glancing up at him again through the tears still collecting in her eyes. Her face blazes when he reaches to wipe them away tenderly with a calloused hand, careful and with a lenity that she’s always known was there, hidden under the surface.

She could just stare at him for hours, she thinks as he lowers his hand. He’s still looking down at her with one of the softest expressions she has ever seen him wear. She really hopes she’s not dreaming.

It’s tremendously hard to get it together, but she tries, because she doesn’t want to spend the entire time crying, not when he's finally back. There are so many questions she’d like to ask him that she’s finding it a challenge to pick one with which to lead.

He surprises her by speaking first, quietly. “I… had something made for you.”

It takes a moment for the words to compute.

Made for me?

Her processing speed must be exceptionally slow, stuck in the utter mush her insides have become, because he adds, “...For your birthday.”

Sakura blinks, and furrows her brows in confusion. “Made… for me?”

He nods. “...I’m sorry it’s late.” The way he speaks it is cryptic, like the apology weighs more than one needed for a tardy gift. Doesn’t he know she doesn’t care? He could have showed up in July with something for her, and it still would have made her knees weak and her heart thump furiously in her chest.

Made for me? She’s still stuck on that sentiment as he breaks eye contact and turns to rummage through his satchel, beneath his cloak.

Sasuke pulls out a medium-sized flat box, a simple white, and she doesn’t know what she expected, but it wasn’t that. Something that comes in a box is a lot more formal than a pressed cherry blossom, something more… permanent.

She reaches out to take it on autopilot, and is stupidly distracted by the way his hand brushes against hers, a small spark that makes something in her quake. She wonders if he felt it, too.

Sakura clutches the box with both hands like her life depends on it, murmuring softly, “Thank you, Sasuke-kun.” She’ll wait until later to open it, after he’s left; whatever it is, she doesn’t want to embarrass him, and she also isn’t sure she can tear her eyes away from him just yet, anyways.

Is it just the lighting in her office, or are his ears a little flushed? She didn’t notice that before; maybe he’s had a drawn-out journey back. She wonders how much ground he covered today, if he’s still winded. He might need to rest.

But then he mumbles, voice husky with what she assumes is disuse, “...You should open it.”

His words echo in her head again. I… had something made for you.

“Okay,” she answers in a hushed voice, so she doesn’t scare him away, shifting slightly to set the box on her desk carefully. Suddenly she is very nervous, anticipation settling into her gut.

When she lifts the lid, she swears her heart ceases beating.

The most exquisitely intricate uchiwa fan she has ever laid eyes upon is placed in the box before her.

It’s carved into a likeness of a cherry blossom tree, branches twisting lissomely into bamboo framework, impossibly fine. A different set of words is reverberating in her head now.

You should try to enjoy your namesake more this year, Forehead. You're so busy that I'm not sure you've realized, but you've really grown into it.

Made for me?

“O-oh.” Sakura is not sure what she expected, but it wasn’t this. She fights back the tears, biting her lip and wide eyes soaking it all in, enjoying her namesake in a way that is entirely unprecedented in its sheer severity. The amount of time it would have taken for someone to sculpt and bind and sew is unimaginable; every detail is finely wrought, flawless down to the silk and stitching, lacquered and carved pale wood shifting effortlessly into eighty slivers of bamboo, intricately webbing silk together with the lithe grace of gossamer. It’s a cherry blossom tree, petals and all, pearlescent thread shifting slightly, gorgeously in the light, unimaginable detail. She has stitched people back together countless times over the course of years, but even her expert dexterity would look like a child’s first embroidery stitching in comparison. The stamen within the petals are nearly more detailed and finely milled than an actual, real life cherry blossom, plexure sutured in a fashion so baronial that it’s impossible to believe human hands were even responsible for it.

The silk. Oh, the silk. The color shift bears a striking resemblance to the Uchiha insignia. This is not a gift one gives to a teammate.

Oh, she's crying.

This has to be a dream, some kind of paracosm her heart thought up to give her brain the high of a lifetime. Hope burgeons and unfolds in her chest cavity, bleeding into her extremities like the pale pink shifting into red before her eyes. She’s never, ever going to forget this, not even if she lives to be one hundred years old.

Made for me?

She picks it up with disbelieving hands, grasping it more carefully than she’s ever held anything in her entire life, as if she’s going to wake up at any moment and it will dissolve into synapse, lost in the hazy juncture of morning the way one tends to lose awareness of the contents of a dream upon coming to lucidity. To her absolute bewilderment, it stays solid in her hands, a finery made even more unbelievable by touch. The grooves of the carving are as gentle as his hand had been on hers earlier. She thinks it would have had to be commissioned at least a few months in advance, outlandishly expensive. She’s never seen silk like this. She doesn't know; she's smart, but she's no artisan. Maybe she should ask Sai. She's crying.

She adores it.

Tears won’t stop welling in her eyes; she thinks they may be escaping from a tender spot inside her chest that’s been reserved for him since she was a child, a leak in a metaphorical dam. She takes a steadying breath, blinks, almost has them conquered. Get a grip, Sakura.

Then Sasuke’s hand is on hers, gently turning the handle over.

Her name is carved into the pale wood, on the back in formal calligraphy, Sakura daintier and more perfect than she could ever write it, as if it had just been uncovered in one of the inner layers rather than whittled there manually. Sasuke presses her fingers to it before loosening his grip, and in that second it feels as though his lost hand is in the wood, caressing her from split atoms in the grooves from the other side.

The tears spill over her cheeks - she admits defeat - intricacy of the entire thing blurring out of focus but still somehow burned into her retinas for all eternity.

Made for me, made for me, made for me-

Her voice finds her after a few more tears fall. “It’s beautiful.” Her voice is barely above a whisper, overwhelmed with complete and utter awe, trying desperately to choke down a sob. “Thank you, Sasuke-kun. I… I’ll treasure it. Always.” She cradles the fan closer to her chest, her heart - maybe An Introduction to Electrocardiography wasn’t a poorly-chosen book, after all; there is much to be read from something this precious - and regards him with watery eyes. She wishes she wasn’t crying; the distortion of the tears is making it hard to see the silver she’s loved and missed so much.

His hand lifts to her face after a moment, and to her surprise, he wipes away her tears again. She barely catches the something-more in his eyes, then, through the waterworks, precious metal flashing and pouring into the words scarred into her ventricles to live there forever, fortified in silver, but he is looking at her so -

“...Always,” he agrees, voice a little breathless, sparking scintilla near hypnotizing her in their luster, and he seems so happy -

Then he leans down to press his lips gently to hers, and this is better than her heart stopping, like when she opened the box. This time, her heart soars, and she touches a star she’s been dreaming of for eons.

[ironmariposa]

(The things I did) Just so I could call you mine

Chapter 4/4

Also found on Ao3

Authors notes: So here it is!!! I’m so excited to have it out there and finished. I’ve had so much fun writing this and have appreciated every single comment along the way. Thank you all so very much for reading!!

The baseball scene was greatly inspired by Hate to Want You by Alisha Ray. In fact it was when I read that scene that I came up with this fic idea. Yay for plot bunnies!!!

She’s standing on the dock, her arms crossed over her chest when the boat appears in the distance. She waits impatiently until he cuts the engine and idles closer.

“Hey Ray, I think your girl’s pissed. Or she’s on her period.” Tyler jokes.

“Shut up, Tyler.” Both her and Ray say at the same time.

“What the fuck?!” She shouts at him as soon as Tyler and Adam jump out of the boat and scurry away. “What the actual fuck, Ray?! You crapped out on me to get high on your boat!”

He hops out and grabs the rope, his arm muscles on full display as he ties it off. He jumps back in the boat to grab his ice chest and a few other items, ignoring her question. Ignoring her. He steps back on the dock and makes his way toward the house. Throwing up her hands in frustration she follows.

“You have nothing to say for yourself? Just going to ignore me. That’s fine. I have plenty to say.” She pauses a moment to see if he’ll respond but he just keeps on walking. “You know what, Ray? I’m not mad you bailed on me. Not even that surprised. What pisses me off most was this was an easy A for you. And instead of taking it you flake off like you always do. You think everyone is so against you but the only one truly against you is yourself.”

Finally he stops and turns to her. His sunglasses are down, hiding the truth in his eyes but his jaw is clenched, his nostrils flaring, “You don’t know shit about me.”

“Yeah?” She throws up her hands, “Then why don’t you fill me in?”

“Why?” He questions with so much vinum, “Why do you care? I’m just a Meth Row idiot heading down the same path as my father.”

She gasps because he couldn’t have heard them.

“Isn’t that what your boyfriend, Bishop, said?”

“He’s not my boyfriend.” She says, but she’s lost all her fire and it sounds pathetic to both their ears.

“Doesn’t matter, Heather.” He leans closer, “You agreed with him. Called me an idiot.”

Heather shakes her head, “No. I did not agree with him. I don’t, Ray.” She reaches for him but he jerks away and she drops her hand.

“Look. The project is done. Thank the fuck. Now I can be rid of you.”

“Ray.” She whispers but he cuts her off.

“All you were to me was a fucking nuisance Plaza left me with but now we’re finished. We don’t need to talk ever again. And I’m fucking relieved.”

She watches him walk away until he disappears into his house with the slam of the screen door. It takes her a few tries but she finally manages to walk back the way she came. Instead of heading straight home she detours to the snack mart. Gets herself a strawberry lemonade and her sister some gummy bears. Summer is working and Heather stands there numb as the girl rambles on about the upcoming baseball tournament.

“Only two more months left till we’re free. Got any big plans?” Summer asks casually after giving Heather her purchases.

Heather shrugs as she takes a sip of her drink. It’s just as satisfying as always and she feels her frustration melt away. “Not really.”

Summer leans forward through the window and whispers, “I’ve been asked to help emcee the games.”

Heather's eyes widen, “Who’s the other?”

“Diggins.” Not that surprising of a choice. Daniel Diggins is one of the more outgoing people in their grade and he seems to get along with everyone. “Are you going to play?” Summer asks.

Heather shakes her head, “No.”

Summer smiles at her, “Don’t blame ya. But just FYI I hear the pot is insane this year.” Another customer steps up and Heather waves to Summer with her purchases and starts her walk home.

She spends the rest of her Spring Break working or with Nat. Bishop is on vacation with his family. Some beach. But he’s still not talking to her so it doesn���t matter. She tries to do some fun stuff with Lily. Takes her to putt-putt at Andy’s and spends a good five minutes watching a kid in the batting cages. She wonders one too many times what Ray is doing. She knows he’s probably working too. Or out on his boat.

She wonders more than once if he’s taking another girl out with him.

All in all it’s a completely uneventful Spring Break and it’s a bit depressing considering it’s her Senior year. But completely typical considering who she is and where she comes from. Carp doesn’t let people like her escape.

Bishop returns from his trip with a bag of seashells and an apology. She easily forgives him, she’s never been able to resist when he tilts his head and gives her that sweet smile of his.

“Look. I’m not gonna pretend to understand.” He says.

“There’s nothing to understand, Bishop.”

And that’s that. Natalie dances around them and they make plans to go to a party that night.

The Senior baseball tournament starts with a school wide pep rally. As usual it’s loud and uncomfortable as they all crowd into the hot gym. The cheerleaders jump around and shake their Pom poms while the Principal tries to get everyone excited. Typically, the Freshmen and Seniors are the only ones that show any enthusiasm. The middle grades could care less. Finally they’re released and everyone makes their way to the baseball fields behind the middle school.

Natalie and Bishop are on the same team and their game is early in the day. Heather watches from the bleachers as Bishop strikes out every time he’s up to bat and Natalie manages to hit a couple of balls. They still lose the game, neither of her friends are really heartbroken over it. They wander around with time to spare, Heathers game isn’t until later in the evening. That’s even if she’s still on the team. She assumes she is since she received a group text.

Heather approaches the bench and gives a half smile as Ray looks over his shoulder at her. His blue eyes are expressionless as they meet hers and it hurts far more than she thought it would. He’s completely avoided her at school and she can’t say she’s been very aggressive with trying to get his attention. It’s back to like it was before they were paired for their project. The two of them acting as if they barely know one another.

She’s handed a jersey and smiles at Summer as she buttons it over her tank.

“Hope you Fuckers are ready to play, because I don’t lose.” Ray says as a pep speech before the game starts.

She only nods at the harsh tone of his voice and sits between Drew Santiago and Summer. Both looking far more excited than she feels about playing. The game starts and she waves shyly at Natalie and Bishop in the stands as they cheer loudly for her.

She is horrible. Absolutely horrible. The other team figures out quickly she’s completely hopeless out in the field and starts trying to hit every ball towards her. And she’s unable to hit a single ball when up at bat. Close to the end of the game, Adam pulls her aside and tries to teach her how to bunt a ball. Ray catches them and shakes his head as if to say she’s hopeless.

That there pisses her off enough to actually do it and she makes it onto first base with loud cheering from her friends in the bleachers and the team in the dugout. Well, most of the team. Ray just stands in the dugout entry, leaning against it with his arms crossed, a hard look on his face. Then she actually gets on second when Summer hits the ball to the outfield.

Heather’s idling at second base when Ray steps up to bat. She has a perfect view of him and she wishes she had spent her time in high school at his baseball games instead of whatever else she had been doing with her friends. He looks really good in the baseball uniform. The pants doing amazing things for his ass.

She hears the crack of the ball and a loud collective gasp before an intense pain in her shoulder. She realizes she’s been hit and takes only a moment to decide what to do. Running to third base she notices someone running towards her. Not someone, Ray.

“What are you doing?” She shouts, “Go to first!” She points back. His eyes are so wide, filled with fear and concern and everything else she missed the past few weeks.

“Are you okay?” He asks.

“I’m fine!” Her eyebrows lower, “But you’re out now.”

He glances back to first base and hesitates before he’s forced back to their dugout.

“I thought you were obsessed with winning!” She shouts at his back when she makes it back in the dugout. Everyone goes silent around them.

He turns to her and pushes himself in her space, “I am,” he shouts back at her, “But I’m more obsessed with you.”

Heather's face is guarded. Drew shuffles over with an ice pack. A welcome distraction as she thanks him and takes it, pressing it against her shoulder with a flinch. Her eyes flash to the bleachers and Ray follows her gaze to her friends. To Bishop.

Heather sits out the rest of the game and it passes in a blur. Ray stays at the other end of the dugout. The game ends with them losing by one. She silently makes her way to her friends who fret over her injury. They make her show them and both suck in a gasp at the bruise. It does look horrible, feels horrible too. What the hell had she been thinking, playing baseball when she had no clue about the game.

The ballpark empties out and Bishop offers to drive her home. She makes up an excuse and her friends leave her with lingering looks but neither say a word.

She finds Ray by his truck with Sarah and Tyler. She doesn’t hesitate as she approaches him, “Did you mean what you said out there?”

All eyes turn to her and Sarah and Tyler quickly give out reasons they need to go. Scurrying off with a cringe towards Ray. Sarah though shoots Heather a smile.

“Heather, look.” He sounds defeated.

She shakes her head, “Did you mean it?”

He clenches his jaw and lightly punches the side of his truck.

“Because I seem to recall you telling me you didn’t think about me like that. That I was just a nuisance that Mrs. Plaza had left you with.” She jabs a finger in his already bare chest, “That you couldn’t wait to be done with our project so you could, and I quote, be rid of me for good.”

She’s so mad. So incredibly mad and so very confused. It’s been weeks of confusion and she’s tired of feeling that way. Tired of fighting whatever this is between them. Tired of her friends making her feel bad for spending time with him. Tired of him making her feel bad for wanting to spend time with him.

Just. Tired.

He closes his eyes and shuts her out and she can't take it anymore. She shuts down all the reasons why this is wrong and she does what feels right. Grabbing his uniform, she yanks him closer. His blue eyes blink open in surprise.

“Kiss me.” Her voice is both soft and demanding.

He blinks again then brings his hands up slowly. Like he is giving her time to change her mind. But she doesn’t want to change her mind. She lets him cradle her jaw as he leans closer. Lets him brush his lips against hers. So gentle. Just a feather light touch and she needs more. Wants more. She lets him slide his thumb down the smooth column of her throat, tracing her pulse, until she tips her head back and parts her lips in a gasp. His mouth nips at her jaw, her pulse on her neck, up to her ear before returning to her mouth, finding it already open, waiting on a catch in her breath.

This time he kisses her harder, lips moving with the force of weeks worth of wanting. The hand she had fisted in his shirt uncurls and moves to the back of his neck, threading through the hair at the base of his scalp. She tugs at it until he moans her name.

She finds she likes that. She likes making him moan her name in such a pleasurable way. She likes seeing Ray Hall, who’s kissed a hundred girls, who’s fucked just as many, come undone under her touch. She takes great pleasure in it so she does it again as she pushes her body against his.

Gripping her hips he turns them and backs her into his truck, then with a slide of his hands over her butt, he grips her thighs and lifts her. Heather wraps her legs around his waist as he pushes her into the truck and the feel of his cock pressed against her center is the most mind blowing sensation. Heather drops her head back with a loud gasp and Ray makes his way down her throat. In one swift move he’s pulled her jersey open and his mouth continues over her collarbone and down her chest. He growls briefly at her tank top but it’s easily pushed aside as his hands smooth across her sports bra. Her nipples are already hard and she cries out when he slides a rough hand over them.

“Ray. We can’t. Not here.” She manages to get out in staggered breaths.

He stops, pulling back just an inch, she tightens her legs around his waist in fear he’s going to pull away completely.

“Parking lots empty, love.” He says turning back to her. His eyes cut down to her almost exposed breasts and then lower. She bites her lip when he thrusts against her, “But you’re right.”

She gasps as he moves them to the side and then opens the passenger door to his truck. After a brief kiss to her lips he sits her on the edge of the seat and smiles brilliantly up at her.

“What are you doing?” She asks and he raises an eyebrow as he takes her leggings and slides them over her hips and down her legs.

“Gonna taste you. Finally.” He growls and pushes her back, her arms catching herself on his seat. She watches with hooded eyes, her breaths short with anticipation, as he starts his descent down to her center. Just as his eyes are level with her clit, he looks up at her with concern, “This okay?” He asks. And her heart melts that much more.

“God, yes.” She whispers and grabs a handful of his hair as his tongue does one quick slide up her slit.

Ray gives head like he does most things. With lots of enthusiasm and excitement. And Heather appreciates every moment of it. It doesn’t take long for her to come with his name on her lips once he has two thick fingers in her and he’s sucking on her clit. He comes up grinning after and she laughs.

“So, that just happened.”

She sits up and grabs his jersey, pulling him to her, sliding her hands over his bare skin, “I want more.” She whispers against his lips and he chuckles. But then, as her hand slides over his stomach and inside the waistband of his pants, he pulls away.

“What?” She asks.

“Not here. Not like this.”

Heathers confused for a moment. And she feels very exposed as he steps back.

“Hey.” He whispers after seeing the look on her face. He runs a hand over her hair, “I want to. Fuck, do I want to.”

“Then why not?” She asks as she attempts to pull her pants back up. She’s starting to feel embarrassed and she doesn’t like it one bit. She had thought …. Well it didn’t matter what she thought.

“Any other girl I would have already fucked and been on my way. But you. Heather, you’re not any other girl.”

“Oh.”

He leans close, his lips just millimeters from hers, “Yeah, oh.” And he kisses her.

The next day, Heather unfortunately has to work. She is absolutely useless as she spends the entire time thinking about Ray and his tongue. She’s sure she has a blush on her face through most of the day and it’s embarrassing. She meets with Natalie during her break and she confesses that things got a little heated with Ray after the game.

Natalie just raises an eyebrow as she leans back on her hands, “I don’t get it. At all. But,” she shakes her head, “Everyone heard his confession.” She stands up, dusting off her hands before helping Heather up, “Can’t say I blame ya after that.”

Heather smiles. She knows she’ll never truly get her friend's approval but it’s enough.

She finds Rayout on the dock. Shirtless as he leans against a post, a beer in his hand, a cigarette tucked behind his ear. He’s exactly as she always pictured him. Nothing has really changed since they kissed the night before, but it feels like her world has tilted.

She approaches and he turns when he hears her footsteps on the dock. She waves shyly and he gives her his mega watt smile.

“Hey Nill.”

She sits beside him, closer than she would have the day before. He raises an eyebrow but doesn’t comment. Instead he nods to the ice chest, “Want a beer?”

“I’m okay.”

He drains the rest of his can and tosses it aside. They sit there for a while, watching the sun set silently together. Neither feel the need to fill the silence and Heather is thankful for that.

“So we kissed.” He says breaking the silence.

She knocks her shoulder against his, “I mean you’ve technically kissed most of the girls in our class.”

“True.” He winks at her and she laughs. He quickly turns serious though, “Just so you know it meant something to me.”

She studies him for a moment, his eyes never leaving hers, “Me too.” She finally admits.

“So. What does that mean for us?”

She shrugs, “I mean technically you don’t date, right?”

He looks back out to the water and she doesn’t realize she’s holding her breath until he says the next words, “Well. For you, I might be willing to make an exception.”

“Might?” She teases.

He laughs as he takes her hand and brushes his lips across the inside of her wrist. Her breath hitches and he smiles wickedly as he grabs her waist and pulls her into his lap.

“If you drop me in the water, Ray, I swear to God,”

“I’m not going to drop you, woman. Stop squirming.” His arms wrap around her back and she feels secure against him as his mouth meets hers. She opens to him willingly and the next time she squirms it’s for pleasure instead of fear.

He pulls his mouth from hers and starts a descent down her neck.

“I feel like I’m falling.” She tells him. He pulls his mouth from her and looks at her with wide eyes, “Not like that.” She says with a laugh, “I mean falling like … like when you jump from Pilots Point.” She traces a finger over his jaw, her eyes following, making his jaw jump with a tick, “You know that feeling between the jump and the landing in the water?” He gives a silent nod, “That’s what this feels like.”

His voice is rough when he responds with a “Yeah.”

She smiles at him, “I love that feeling.”

He brings his mouth closer to hers and just before kissing her again says, “Me too.”

Fin.

[holdmyowos]

Training (Aizawa/Shinso x Neko Female Reader Smut)

Includes: Age gap, neko, polyamory, predator-and-prey dynamics, bondage, use of word 'sensei', unprotected sex

A/N: The two of you are done with hero studies but Hitoshi still trains with Aizawa pretty frequently.

You had been with plenty of other guys, but Hitoshi was by far the best you had ever been with. He was so sweet and caring. Plus, he loved cats! Since your quirk let you transform into one, it was perfect. The only downside was that he was a virgin, and he refused to have sex with you. After a couple months into your relationship, he had decided that he was finally ready to take the next step. You had it all planned out. That special occasion would be nowhere near when you were on your period, so he could do as he pleased, and you would be totally ready for him. Often you had caught him looking at cat girls on his phone and touching himself, so you knew exactly what he liked. His favorite color was black, and his second favorite color was silvery grey, so you made sure to incorporate that into the design. Since he was a pro hero with a ton of money, he gave you all the money you wanted to make your costume. You were going for an e-girl type of vibe. You had a black choker with a small silver bell on it. You had long boots on with fishnet tights. You were wearing a short black skirt over your lacy grey panties that matched your lacy silver bra. You had your hair back in two loose buns, tied with silver ribbons. You topped it all off with a black crop top with a revealing boatneck. You put a deep red color of lipstick on. When you were done with your eyeshadow, you worked on making your eyeliner wings perfectly sharp, matching. Your tail and cat ears were out. When you looked in the mirror, even you were impressed. It was ridiculous, no doubt. If you walked into a store, everyone and their grandma would be staring. Any other day you would have laughed at how over-the-top it was, but today you looked sexy as hell. You put your hand on your butt and took a picture in the mirror. Today was going to be a day to remember for sure.

After spending half an hour getting ready, you called your boyfriend, sure he could hear the smile in your voice. "Hey baby, are you ready to come over?" You tried to put as much excitement in your voice as possible. He chuckled. "You better believe it. You want to prepare yourself before I get over there, so we can fully enjoy ourselves?" You shuddered at his implications. "I'm not so certain I catch your drift," you prompted him. You got the desired reaction. "Listen, kitty cat." You could hear the tightness in his voice, as if he wanted to fuck you then and there. "I want you to take that vibrator that I got you for you as a present, and shove it in that tight pussy of yours until it's leaking for me." He clicked the end call button, and a buzz went off in your ear as you turned the vibrator on a low setting.

Your plans were totally falling apart now. You soon became bored with playing with yourself, and angrily called your man. He would not answer. You texted, 'Where the hell are you?' Happily, almost immediately he started typing. 'I had to go train with Aizawa. Sorry. Just be patient, I'll get home around 8.'8? Freaking 8?! It was currently 5. You were not waiting that long for him. He had promised you, and you had been planning this for too long for him to just say 'later'. He had even taken the last couple days off of hero work just so that he had plenty of rest. He had recently looked really good, for once not totally sleep-deprived and running only on coffee and kisses. "Gotta make your first time special, 'toshi," you muttered to yourself as you slid in the car. If he was not coming to you, then you could come to him. He was not getting around this, even if you had to fuck him in front of his old teacher. That thought caught you off guard. In school, you had a slight crush on the young, handsome Shota Aizawa, but thinking of fucking your boyfriend in front of him was a bit strange.

When you were finally at the building, the gym that Hitoshi and Aizawa trained at, you shut the car off and turned off the lights. The gym was privately owned by just the two of them together, so they often came here to train during the day or whenever they had free time. Aizawa might seem modest, but he had a huge salary just like the rest of the pro heroes, so he could afford things like that. You walked up the stairs to the door, slowly opening it. You heard breathless sighs and grunts. It was pretty cute. They must be busy training. You slowly shut the door with nothing but a small click. A small brick wall about four feet tall separated them from your view. You glanced down to the area below the walking track that you were on, leaning over the edge to see. The two of them seemed engaged in a sparring match, both of them having discarded their shirts. You found yourself looking at Aizawa instead of your boyfriend. He just looked so sexy, his long hair rubbing against his large muscles. Reluctantly, you turned your gaze to Hitoshi, not unimpressed with what you saw there either. Hitoshi had abs? His workout sessions must have been paying off. The two stopped their match when Aizawa glanced up towards you apprehensively. You ducked under the wall before they could see you. The two talked in hushed voices. "Did you hear that sound? Is someone else here?" One of them said quietly, but your cat ears picked it up. Footsteps came up the stairs. Maybe you could have fun making them chase you.

You flicked your bell so it jingled, and ran in the opposite direction of the stairs, ducking so they could not see you over the wall. You skidded to a halt as Aizawa landed in front of you, his capture weapon having propelled him up from the ground. Sadly, his shirt was back on. You frowned. In a matter of seconds, he had you hanging from the ceiling, suspended upside-down, your head a foot away from the floor. You put your skirt up so it was covering your thighs again, and held them there with your hands. Being held upside down had made your skirt drop, and he probably saw your panties. "Hello, Aizawa-Sensei!" You said, enthusiastically. It had been awhile since you had seen him. Aizawa had gained a cute little scar on his cheekbone, right below his eye. He scoffed, loosening his white rope that he had tied around you, yet he still did not let you go. "Oh, it's just you, Y/N. What are you doing here, in my gym? I thought you were a villain, or something." He remembered your name! Yay! That must be hard, knowing the hundreds, perhaps even thousands of students he had to go through.

Your croptop flipped, revealing the underside of your breasts and your bra. You kept your hands on your skirt, however. You giggled at him. He noticed the motion of your croptop against the gravity, and eyed you up and down, as if only now realizing what you were wearing, he looked away from you. "And why the hell are you wearing something so slutty? A man with less self control could become a villain with just the lust of looking at you." He turned his back to you, running his fingers through his hair. Was he trying to hit on you? Did he think you were here for him? Your tail swayed gently at the thought, accidentally and lightly brushing against his neck. He shuddered at the touch, running your tail through his fingers. Rarely did anyone ever touch your tail, and usually it was intimately. You gripped your skirt tighter at the thought, not wanting him to see how wet your underwear was getting. Or did you want him to see?

Hitoshi came up behind you from the stairs, panting and out of breath, his shirt still off. You turned to see him, still dangling in midair. You were staring at his muscles that moved as he breathed and walked towards you. He sucked in a breath as he saw you. "Y/N, is that really you? You're stunning," he said, amazed by your looks. "Hitoshi, there was many better ways to get up here faster than running. You need to learn to use your rescources," Aizawa said, not looking you in the eyes, dropping you from his capture weapon and holding you bridal style in his arms before letting you go, waiting for your feet to gently touch the floor before he stopped supporting you. It was a really sweet gesture. You twined your tail around Aizawa's arm, then let him go.

The three of you just stood there in an awkward silence. Hitoshi came forward. "Sorry, sensei. This is my girlfriend, Y/N. I think you already know her." Aizawa simply nodded. "Well, are you sure she's your girlfriend?" He challenged. Your heart leapt at the words. "W-what do you mean? She even dressed really nicely for me. I... I was supposed to do something with her tonight, but I postponed it to train with you when you asked. That's probably why she's here." Aizawa backed you into the wall behind you. You gulped, face flushed. You loved and hated this feeling at the same time. What would Hitoshi think of you being aroused at this man's advances? He gently held your arms, pinning them above your head, and pressed his lips against your neck, trailing up to your face. His chest rubbed against your sensitive breasts. "What a pretty kitty," he said. You blushed, not smiling, at Hitoshi. "Hey, leave her alone! She doesn't want you!" All that Aizawa did was let out a low chuckle. "Of course she does. You've made her wait too long. I would never do such a thing. I'd... feed my kitty whenever she felt hungry." He growled the last part of his speech in your ear. Your heart skipped a few beats. "She likes you and doesn't want to offend you, I can tell by how she doesn't smile at me, but her blush and her cute little voice says something else all together." He took his hands and gently fondled your breasts under your shirt, and you let out a very slight whimpering sound, biting your lip to try to keep it from betraying your feelings. "Y/N, is this true?" Your boyfriend asked. You looked away from him in shame, making the mistake of meeting Aizawa's intense eyes. You did not need to say anything, since the deafening silence spoke volumes.

Surprisingly, Aizawa slowly released you from his hold. To say you were disappointed was putting it mildly. You practically whined at the loss, his warm hand's touch still lingering on your breasts. He smirked at Hitoshi. "However, since you brought her back to me, I will make you a deal. First one to find and capture her gets to control what happens next. Sound good to you, kitty cat?" You saw Aizawa slip him a pair of handcuffs. So that was how the game was going to be played. You nod. Seeing Hitoshi's uncertainty, you goaded him. "What, you're not scared of him, are you?" He fell for it, snapping at you. "I am not!" He turned to the older man, who obviously knew what he was talking about. "Fine, I'll accept your dumb terms, but with one condition. We both have to do what Y/N tells us to do." He stuck out his hand, and Aizawa immediately shook it. A thrill went up your spine, knowing that both of these men had fallen hard for you, willing to do anything just to be with you. Both of them turned to you.

Hitoshi flipped the lights off, so only you and your cat eyes could see well. "You better run, kitty. The chase is on," one of them said. You held the bell tightly in your hand, keeping it from jingling too loudly. You kicked off your boots so you could be more silent, moving around the track and down the stairs onto the training floor, making no noise other than the small muffled jingles. There was no way either of them could find you. You were in your element, the darkness was your friend. If there was one thing a cat was good at, it was quietly slinking around. You let go of your bell, and let it jingle once.

"Hey there kitty. I found you." Aizawa popped out of seemingly nowhere, forcing the handcuffs on your arms, pressing his knee gently into the small of your back, sending a small wave of pain over you. You knew he did not mean anything of it, that was simply the best way to do it. Still, you let out a tiny cry, a mewl of pain. "That was cute, kitty. Do it again." He pressed on you harder. Now he definitely meant it. "Sensei, please let go," you said desperately. He reluctantly got off of you and turned half of the lights back on, giving the place a different vibe. You looked up at his head as Hitoshi came towards you. He had on his yellow glasses, the ones that let him see in the dark. He had a giant grin on his face. "What did I say, Hitoshi? Think smarter, not harder. You need to learn to use your resources," he said, clicking your handcuffs off once Hitoshi saw that he had won. He sighed in defeat, realizing the power his teacher had over him.

"What's our safe word, kitty cat?" He all but hummed. You were turned on by how abrupt he was. "How about catnip," you suggest. "Great idea. Perfect for my little kitten," he said, piling up some of the training mats for a makeshift bed. "It was supposed to be 'toshi's first time. Please go easy on him, sensei," you admitted for your boyfriend. He only let out a sadistic chuckle, guiding the two of you to the mats. "Fine, then. Show me what you were going to do for him when he got home," he said. You were only too happy to oblige. "Well, first I was going to beat his ass for getting home so late, figuratively, of course," you said, glancing at Hitoshi. "Then I... well, I think it's best if I let the actions do the talking for me." Aizawa nodded.

You kissed Hitoshi fiercely, so happy that you would finally get to feel someone's skin on yours. You had been denied for too long. You straddled his body, and made the kisses deeper, practically eating his face, and he did it right back, desperate for you before Aizawa stole his fun. He shuddered, breathless, gasping for air from the kiss. You pulled away. Little smears of your lipstick were obvious on his face. You wiped it off of him with your thumb. Hitoshi had a face so red, you knew what had happened. You glanced down at his pants. "Hitoshi, did you already cum? I hardly even touched you!" He looked away in embarrassment. "Well, you just looked so pretty and everything happened so suddenly."

He tried covering his face, but you pulled down his pants and boxers. "You're doing this for me, aren't you? So you should have waited until I let you cum. I would have gladly let you do it inside of me," you whispered. You straightened his still hard dick, running your fingers up and down it's length, smearing his cum all over. He was average in length, but had a wide girth. You gave kitten licks to the tip and under the head, right where the bundle of nerves are. He smelled delicious. Slowly, you took him into your mouth. He held one of his hands in your hair, lightly pulling in it as you sucked him off. He used his other hand to gently pull on your collar.

Feeling a slight touch at your butt, you almost turned around, but you were too busy. You had all but forgotten about Aizawa with what you were doing to Hitoshi. He smoothly tugged your skirt off, and you crossed your legs. "Come on now, kitty. Why are you hiding from me?" Hitoshi pushed you down deeper onto him, almost having you gag. "Y/N your mouth feels so good wrapped around me," he said. Your heat warmed up with his words. You used your tongue against him, pushing it to the side of your mouth. Aizawa uncrossed your legs and tenderly pulled your leggings off, leaving you with only your panties on your lower half. He gently teased you with his fingers running along your folds. He slipped a finger under them, your juices gathering on his fingers. "Wet for me, my kitten? I could just stick myself into you without preparing you." You let out a moan in response, vibrating on Hitoshi. He gripped you harder. "Kitty..." he said, his eyes rolling to the back of his head in pleasure. You let out a cry as Aizawa penetrated your pussy, muffled because Hitoshi was balls deep in your mouth, but still audible. He had not even taken the time to remove your underwear, so you were unprepared. You adjusted as his length came down inside of you. After a couple months without sex, it felt so good to finally have something filling you up.

It seemed to go on forever. He was long. Once he was finally all in, or you guessed he was, he stopped moving, as if content to just be in you. You continued with Hitoshi as Aizawa's hands roamed your body, groping your ass and pulling and pinching on your curves. He pulled your bra up and fondled your breasts again, squeezing the nipples. You found yourself clenching around Aizawa and sucking in your breath for Hitoshi. "I'm close again, kitty," Hitoshi informed you, pulling out of your mouth. He backed away from you. You gasped for air, finally able to use your mouth to breathe. Behind you, Aizawa slowly thrusted up a few times, hitting the spot that made you claw the mat. "Sensei, please!" You clenched your fists around the material around you. "You like that kitten? You want me to fuck you better than Hitoshi can?" You nodded, unable to control yourself. He moved his hands away from your chest and to the floor so he had a better angle. "Hitoshi, the key to making a girl happy is giving her what she wants. If it's a little rough," he thrusted hard into you and you yelped, more in pleasure than pain, "...so be it." He started pounding you into the mat below "It's too much Aizawa!" You felt your walls squeezing around him as he continued his relenting attacks.

"You can take it, kitten, I know you can. Take it for me." He kept hitting that one spot that made your vision blur. Your boyfriend was in front of you. You wondered what Hitoshi was up to, but when he placed your hand on him you got to work, squeezing with Aizawa's thrusts. You moaned and squeezed Hitoshi, and he came into your hand. Still running your fingers against him, you felt a knot in your stomach. You had felt your own climax building up for a while now, and you saw white as you came hard onto Aizawa, and you felt yourself being filled up with his seed. When he was done, he pushed his fingers into you, pumping you a few times. Your juices leaked all over the mat, leaving a white stain. He got up to get some paper towels. You dizzily got to your feet, about to head to the bathroom to clean yourself up. He put a hand around your throat in a loose grip. A threat. "Where do you think you're going, kitty? You were supposed to be mine. I won't let you forget that when we get home," he promised. "Or maybe now. Do I need to teach you a lesson?" Your body ached at the thought of more, knowing that you would hurt for quite a long time after.

He spread your legs apart, and buried his tongue into you. You tugged on his hair as he did, lapping up the juices. "I think it was unfair that Hitoshi got to cum two times. I think you need to come back here sometime again so we can have a rematch," Aizawa said, fully clothed again as he came back and gathered in the scene. "Young people," he sighed dramatically, cleaning up the dribbles here and there. You were too busy feeling Hitoshi's tongue squeezing inside you to notice Aizawa gently brushing through your hair and tail fur with his brush. He wanted you as much as you had wanted him.

Slightly inspired by Cat Girls Are Ruining My Life by Corpse Husband

[purplesurveys]

1240

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets?  I can’t make any dish. I wonder when I’ll get my ass up and start learning...

Have you ever cut someone else’s hair?  I wouldn’t dare; I have no skills in that department at all.

Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for?  Angela and Hans came over so we can watch Sowoozoo. 

How many long term relationships have you been in?  One.

Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on?  My default is lights out, but sometimes I’ll fall asleep with my night lamp still on and that’s fine too.

Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done?  I don’t really do forgiving.

Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey?  No. I’ve tried listening to her songs but I find them too slow for my liking.

Do you know your blood type?  It’s O but I keep forgetting what specific type.

Do you know your mother’s birthday?  Yes.

Have you got your period at the moment?  It’s on its last few days.

Have you ever been pregnant?  Nopes.

How old were you when you first went on a plane?  I was around 10 or 11, can’t remember exactly. But it was in 2009 and we headed to Boracay.

Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything?  No. OMG, adult activity I don’t quite understand just yet hfdhfkdjfhdf.

Are both of your blood parents still in your life?  Yeah they’re both grumbling right now just outside of my room because the power went out lmfao.

When was the last time you went apple picking?  I’ve never done this. Apples don’t grow here.

Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say?  My pay for the last two weeks haha, but that’s not coming until Friday.

Have you ever been drunk at school or work?  No, I wouldn’t dare. I’m pretty unpredictable when I get drunk, so I’d rather stay safe haha. I’ve worked while tipsy, but it had been outside of work hours.

How many bedrooms are in your house?  4. One for each kid, then my parents’.

Are you smart about computers?  Nah.

Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii?  We didn’t have the game on our Wii, but I’ve played Just Dance before, just at other peoples’ houses.

Do you own a Xbox 360?  We were a Playstation household.

Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars?  Erm, sure, whatever.

So, do you need a nap?  I think I should be taking one for the sake of my health, but I won’t.

What would you rather be doing?  I stumbled upon a Facebook post of this newly-opened store in Greenhills that exclusively sells photocards and I wanna head the fuck over there rn with Angela. That store concept is practically unheard of so it’s a big deal and I wanna go there as I’m 100% sure the BTS ones would sell out pretty fast. But they heightened the stupid COVID protocols yet again and we have to stay at home, so there’s that.

What sport are you the best at?  Table tennis.

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name?  Yeah but she’s turning 21 this year, so little wouldn’t be accurate anymore. We call her Nina at home but everyone else calls her by her full first name, Janina.

Do you complain a lot?  I do complain a lot but I also do the thing that is causing the complaint right after so I can shut myself up lmao.

Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple?  Both sound fun but I’ll probably take the temple. Yay for learning something new about culture!!

Do you like fruity or minty gum?  I don’t mind flavor when it comes to gum because they fade out anyway.

Are you looking forward to any day of this month?  My company set another mental health break day this upcoming August 27th, so I’ll be thinking about that day throughout the month.

Have you ever gotten detention?  We don’t have detention.

Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life?  Sure.

Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? The latter. < Same. I can be brand-conscious sometimes, but generally if I find something cute, regardless from where I found it, I’d grab it.

Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently?  Technically yeah. It was a single album. 

Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet?  I already have two of them.

Ever cried so much you threw up?  Possibly.

Who is your best guy friend? Hans.

What do you two do when you hang out?  We usually eat out and have a drink or two.

What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving?  Spotlight, just because it looked boring at first glance. It turned out to be very riveting and the screenplay was fascinating as well.

Do you even like horror movies?  Yes, but they’re best watched with other people.

Do you live in the country?  Nopes.

What is your favorite accent?  I don’t have one.

Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like?  No.

Do you drink Pepsi or Coke?  I had the chance to try out Pepsi when we went to Taco Bell two weeks ago - it was my first time to have it and it was...actually pretty good??? The soda-hater in me was scandalized HAHAHA but it was good!!! I think I prefer Pepsi now.

What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday?  My 21st birthday started out terribly because Gabie’s family didn’t want her to hang out with me on a Sunday (the day my birthday fell on), so we were in an argument the whole day. Angela saved the day when she planned out an impromptu dinner + arcade date for me, and that was the only good part of the day, really. I’d rather forget the rest of it.

Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer?  I don’t think so.

Do you take a lot of pictures?  I’m starting to, now.

What kind of face wash do you use?  Good ol’ water.

Does drama always seem to follow you?  Not these days.

Does anybody in your family race?  Nope.

Are you closer to your mom or dad?  Dad, I guess. But I wouldn’t particularly call myself ‘close’ with either.

How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?”  I never received money from them.

How long do you want to live with your parents?  Maybe up until my mid-20s? Late-20s at the latest. I’m not exactly in the position to move out yet. The money I make at the moment would probably just be enough to cover rent, and just rent. I’d end up starving to death hahaha.

Do you have a laptop or desktop?  Laptop.

Do you like your parents?  Sure.

Do you secretly like someone?  I don’t.

Would you ever date your best male friend?  No. I also wouldn’t do that to Angela.

What are you currently listening to?  Moon by Jin! Such a comfort song.

Do you want to be single?  Yes.

Did you go out or stay in last night?  I stayed in and was knocked out pretty early since I had been up since 1 AM.

Have you pretended to like someone?  No. I don’t see why I would have to that.

How is your heart lately?  Just filled with nothing but Bangtan at this point haha. It’s doing well!

Are you wearing socks?  No. Socks bother me for the most part; they make my feet feel a bit suffocated.

What do people call you?  Robyn.

Do you get stressed out easily?  Yeah, I’m quite the overthinker.

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?  No, I’ve never actually been inside an ambulance, whether it came for me or for another person.

What is wrong with you right now?  I should probably cut back on the vaping, for one.

Do you own something from Hot Topic?  No.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?  It’s hard for me to sleep with someone else. Even when I had been in a relationship, I usually only got to fall asleep an hour or so after my partner already dozed off.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with?  No, I cut ties at the start of the year and have been substantially better since then.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry?  I honestly don’t think so. I’m the bigger crybaby between us.

Did you get any compliments today?  My mom thanked me for covering for Cooper’s shots today since they ended up being quite costly.

Have you ever gone to a beach?  Yes, it’s one of my absolute favorite places to be.

What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now?  Pass up on the offer.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?  Yes.

Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to?  I’ve never had the ample time to, so no. I’ve always wanted to volunteer at an animal shelter, though.

Do you have long nails?  They’re not dramatically long, but they have started to grow out.

Do you like the gender you are? I don't like or dislike it, honestly. I'm just neutral. < Same.

Do you generally look nice in photos?  I think this is the case these days, yeah. I’ve started feeling more confident and I think it’s able to translate in photos.

Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet?  No.

What colour are your father’s eyes?  Dark brown.

If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer?  BTS DUH

Name three facts about your family?  I come from a family of lawyers; many of us are big history buffs; and many are also fantastic cooks so I don’t know where that talent could have possibly gone when it come to my generation hah.

Would you ever get into a long distance relationship?  If I’ve reached a certain level of investment in the relationship, I could probably handle it. 

What’s the most thoughtful present you’ve ever received?  A Punk shirt and Petals For Armor physical CD from Andi this last Christmas.

What’s your favorite hot beverage? Hot chocolate. < Yessssss!

Did you ever play an instrument? If so what?  I don’t.

Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents?  Carving pumpkins sounds fun, especially since I haven’t tried it before.

Do you think you’re important?  Idk. I don’t really like drawing attention to myself though, so that could probably answer your question.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?  Andi wrote a letter for me to accompany the aforementioned Christmas gifts they gave, and it remains to be my favorite letter I’ve received. They essentially reminded and affirmed me that I’m stronger than I think I am, and that I’ve been through a lot and have grown a lot, and that that growth is seen by people around me.

Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders?  No.

Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new?  Just to different cities, but considering how tiny my country is, the move is quite insignificant lol.

Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks?  I’m 100% sure I don’t know how to properly hold chopsticks, but I have my own way and it works lol. Fake it til you make it.

Are you more of a leader or a follower? Definitely a follower, but I can step up in certain situations. < Same. I don’t mind leading, especially considering the control freak I can be lolol.

What was the first thing you ate today?  I haven’t eaten anything today. I skipped breakfast since I brought Cooper to the vet, and by the time I got back the dining table had already been cleared. It’s fine though, I don’t feel too hungry.

If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like?  I’d be with Angela, Reena, and Hans at that insane new photocard store I talked about earlier. IDEALLY, we’d probably pick up a photocard or two if the ones we want aren’t sold out yet (lol a rarity), then we’d have some nachos and stuff right after and just talk about all things Bangtan lol with Hans cracking us up the whole time since he is just naturally hilarious.

If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out?  Content. Happy. I feel warm and loved and surrounded by the best people.

What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do?  Learning how to cook is one.

Is there anything that you wish you could take back?  Not really.

What, in your mind, could make you truly happy?  Being in the purple ocean with my best friends.

If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference?  A part of me wishes my final face-to-face conversation with Gabie had been a more solid closure, just so we could finally put a hard stop to that chapter. But at that time I thought we would continue talking, so there had still been some stuff lingering in the air when we called it a day and parted ways. So in a sense we never really got closure when I finally cut ties, which the ESTJ in me remains to be nagged by, but I try not to be bothered by it anymore considering how much better I am doing right now. We didn’t know the future at the time, so it’s okay the way things turned out, ultimately.

When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it?  I have no clue. It’s not really a priority.

Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow?  I’m fast.

Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’  Nah.

How many drugs are in your system?  Just caffeine.

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? Werkwerkwerkwerk.

Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body?  Nopes.

Do you call anyone baby?  I don’t.

What’s your current mood?  I’m prety neutral. I wish I could be out right now, but stupid Covid and stupid quarantine. But I don’t really mind staying at home, either, so. I’m just so-so.

Do you think you are a good person?  I hope so.

What were you doing before filling out this survey?  I watched Sunday mass with my family.

How late did you stay up last night?  Around midnight.

When was the last time you cried really hard?  I cried just a few days ago because period hormones, but the last time I cried hard? I’m not sure. April maybe?

Is your hair longer than your shoulders?  LOL yes it’s soooooooo long already.

[englacial]

ok this will probably be the only time i post about this but i just really wanted to make a post apologizing for my unreliability in activity here & the fact that i basically ghosted some very good friends who absolutely didn’t deserve that with no explanation -- nothing prompted this & things seem to be all good but i don’t want anyone thinking i just dropped off the map for no reason so im gonna give just a little insight to everything that’s been going on ! (long post ahead) <3

as a lot of my friends here know, in february of 2017 i got married (i was 19 and can say with certainty now it was a huge mistake & i made a hasty and immature decision but really could not see that at the time), i was super excited, felt like i was in a good relationship & was finally able to live my life, all that good sappy stuff -- so i literally moved across the country into a totally new state away from my friends & family with a fresh start with this person thinking that this was a great way to get out of my abusive living situation (as some of you who have been w me a long time may recall i got kicked out, was briefly homeless, and my life fell to literal shit) and also have someone who cared about me. but as some people suspected (and im really sorry for not taking your concerns for me more seriously, i know now that i shouldn’t have treated it so flippantly, i was just really blinded by my love for this person and i don’t think anyone could’ve gotten through) it was just... not all i made it out to be. he was really abusive and controlling and i made excuses for him and defended him, i let myself excuse a lot of things, wrote off any and all red flags, and ended up alienating a lot of friends (and family) who were just worried about me.

there were several moments later in my relationship that i started to realize what was happening, but i tried really hard to fix it within our relationship. i literally convinced myself i could change him. i pushed for counseling, group therapy, self help books, literally ANYTHING i could in an attempt to get him to see what he did. at one point i even sat down in the car with him to discuss things that needed fixing and he told me to my face that he didn’t think i deserved things. like direct quote “i just don’t feel like you deserve things”.

it was bad, but i was still making excuses and still convinced he was a good person with good intentions just misdirected. (i was way off). 

it wasn’t until january of this year that i kind of had the biggest wake up call as to the things he was putting me through and that he just... wasn’t a good person, and it took him divorcing me for it to really hit me everything that happened. 

in january, he announced out of the blue that he was divorcing me but that he still wanted a relationship with me but that he felt we needed to “work on ourselves separately” to do better in our relationship. i ignorantly believed him at first  and for a few months post-divorce we had an “open relationship” (really just his way of having his cake and eating it to, he wanted all the benefits of a relationship with me without the work and i didn’t realize that initially), however i pretty quickly found out this was him wanting to control me and still have the romantic/sexual benefit he got from our relationship without the burden of having to actually communicate and work on himself the way he claimed. he watched me get a job, get my own car, and do everything i was supposed to without him ever lifting a finger to do hard work on himself & eventually i got fed up. over the few months of getting divorced i found out that he stole over $500 from me to buy my plane ticket home + a ticket for himself (the money was from savings i had for a camera so  i could start doing photography, i thought he had ordered the camera but he actually used all of the money for the plane ticket which i only discovered later when .. lol, my camera never showed up and i confronted him), he gave me only 20 days to collect my things and arrange a new living situation (which put me back in the home of my abusive mom whom i still have to live with), made numerous threatening and scary posts about me on his social media accounts, i discovered he’d been cheating with potentially multiple women (when he shipped back some of the remainder of my possessions, there were clothes and beauty products that didn’t belong to me among them), i found transphobic posts he’d written about me being nonbinary & literally just SO MUCH other stuff that was absolutely unacceptable. 

there’s way to much that happened post-divorce to even go into and this isn’t even including the things that occurred WHILE we were married. it just wasn’t a good thing at all.

in the midst of all of this, very recently, he alerted me no more than 6 months AFTER our alleged divorce at the beginning of july to tell me that the paperwork got kicked back to him and we were never actually divorced and that he had known SINCE BEFORE I HAD GOTTEN HOME that we weren’t officially divorced. it’s been a struggle getting things sorted, he’s committed all sorts of fraud, tricked me into sending nudes to him (yikes), and a whole number of things that have made me really begin to unpack how unhealthy and abusive our relationship was from the start.

he isolated me from all of me friends, regularly would encourage me to cut ties with people i cared about, and even limited my time online which cut into hobbies like this that i really enjoy. additionally, when we would visit my hometown, he would primarily want to spend time with his own family & wouldn’t give me much time to see mine. there were some other abusive things that happened within the relationship prior to him announcing he was divorcing me, but they’re personal so i won’t go into a lot of detail but it was just very, very bad.

all of this are literal classic warning signs of abuse and i just... really fell for it. it makes me really ashamed to admit that, as someone who has been abused my whole life, i basically fell right into this trap all over again.

on top of all of this and the legal battles resulting, i have been dealing with a medical crisis linked back to a car accident in september of 2017. ive had a lot of bad stuff happen with my health that were tied to the misalignment of my neck and back that i DID NOT EVEN KNOW were related until only a few months ago when i got a second opinion from a much more experienced and adept doctor. ive had multiple surgeries from complications related to injuries i had initially been told didn’t exist, i’ve literally spent thousands of dollars for things that actually could’ve very simply been avoided had my spine been treated properly after my accident.

all of this has just... really taken me out of the rp scene but also made me a really shitty and unreliable friend. being in a controlling relationship isolated me from a lot. ive lost a lot of friends because i was in survival mode even after the relationship ended. i regret that a lot and i understand that it’s hard to be friends with someone when they are not present so ive been working a lot on myself nd how i communicate with the people i love when i feel unable to be in their lives for periods of time for one reason or another.

so now im 22 and divorced with the back problems of a 83 year old who’s three times divorced lmao it’s literally like... i sometimes feel a lot of shame for what i let myself go through but i know it’s not my fault that the person i thought i loved and thought loved me ended up not being who he said he was.

it sucked. there was a lot that happened that i can’t begin to even summarize. i still have some sleepless nights where i wonder why i wasn’t able to see it then when it was literally blatantly obvious what was happening, but hindsight is 20/20.

now, i can pretty happily say i am in a MUCH better situation. things are not perfect (im literally living with an abusive parent again and yikes but it is not near as bad as when i was a teenager), but i am no longer in a relationship that was about the convenience of using me more than it was caring about me, and alllllll of my medical stuff has an active treatment plan that has been working wonders for me!!! (yay!) 

so i just wanted to firstly apologize for my inability to be in people’s lives the way ive wanted to. i know that this is hurtful and not ok. it was wrong of me to ghost and leave people wondering where i was or what i was doing and there’s no excuse for that tbh. im actively working to be more present in the lives of people i care about as well as communicate more when i am not able to be that present. it’s taken a lot to get to that point, and i want to secondly affirm that my inability to be consistent and reliable with this hobby as well as consistent and reliable as a friend has nothing to do with any kind of personal slight i had with anyone or anything else. it’s been a rough few years, it took me a long time to see that i was in a situation that was harming me, and there was a lot of fallout as a result. 

rest assured, i intend to do a lot better about being here now that i feel like im properly adjusted. you can expect me to be a lot more communicative if i take time away and a lot more attentive to the things and relationships that i want in my life. ive taken way too much shit and let myself sacrifice too many people and situations for ONE person whose end goal was nothing more than using me to his convenience. i am not going to lose that again.

im in a much healthier relationship, taking care of the responsibilities i have as an adult, and have an active treatment plan for my various health needs that has improved my condition significantly. like, ya’ll.... life may not be perfect right now but it’s pretty damn good from where it was nd im excited to continue to grow and do better (for real this time) especially now that i feel like i can do the things i love again (like writing here with all of you lovely people).

thanks for reading!! sorry things have been sporadic, unreliable, confusing, and that i haven’t been a very good friend. i recognize these things & want to prove that i can do better now that i have a handle on things.

[phander-sides]

SO INSTEAD OF WORKING ON RAISING THOMAS I WROTE A MINI FIC BASED ON THIS POST !!!!!! I HOPE YOU ENJOY

~~~

“Umm, hey Logan?”

“Virgil.”

“Oh Virgil...do you know--”

“No. We don’t wear trackers.”

“Haha...right...well...sorry for bothering you…”

“Yup.”

The kid, Virgil didn’t really know who he was, left in search of Logan, which meant he was probably going to run into either Patton or Roman. Even after they each decided on  a distinct wardrobe, people still mixed them up! Virgil was always wondering how much eye shadow he was going to need in order to be recognized as himself.

“Heyy Ro!”  Virgil sighed before turning around; he couldn’t wait to see the look of abject horror on the face of whoever mistook him for the dramatic Sander. “Oh, my bad.” It was a girl called Dahlia. Dahlia was one of Roman’s closest theatre friends, and was usually great at telling them apart. “Sorry Virgil, from behind I thought you were Roman.”

“It’s fine,” he muttered. “Happens all the time.” He closed his locker and headed to History, AKA Hellstory.

Virgil hated history for one reason and one reason only; Roman, Logan, and Patton were also in that class. Virgil didn’t mind the other three, in fact, they were pretty much his only friends. The part Virgil hated was that even after two months of being in the same class, everyone, Teach included, mixed them up.

“Virgie Virgie Virgie Virgie!” Virgil smiled, he always looked forward to Patton’s morning greetings.

“Sup Pat,” he sat down right next his energetic “twin”. “I’ve got two so far.”

“Well,” Roman said as he sat down in front of Virgil, “I’ve gotten three.”

“Guys,” Patton chided, “it’s not a competition.”

“Actuall Patton,” Logan walked into the room and sat in front of Patton, “it is. We decided on the rules weeks ago, and whoever has the most--”

“Oh Logan I know that!”

“Then why--”

“I don’t want my little kiddos to fight this early--”

“I’m not your kiddo Pat.”

“Sure you are!”

“Anyway,” Logan interrupted, “I’ve gotten three as well, which makes it tied.”

“Well actually,” Patton sat up straighter in his seat, “I’ve had five.” The others stared in shock; usually the average before second period was three, never five. “My mom called me Roman by accident.” He shrugged, clearly unbothered.

“Alrighty then,” Logan said, marking the scores down in his journal, “don’t forget to report current scores at lunch.” Just as they were agreeing, (or reminding Logan that they had been doing this for weeks, and so already knew the rules,) their teacher walked into the classroom.

“Alright class let’s turn to page 62 and get right into the Industrial Revolution.”

Roman had a study hall after History, which was great because is meant he could go to the theatre room. This year they were doing Hamilton, and he had scored the role of the Big Man himself.

“Hey Roman!” Roman smiled to himself; he especially loved the theatre department because they all knew who he was.

“Hey Val!” Valerie was his Eliza, and they often practiced during their shared study hall (,Roman had one more later in the day, but she had math then). “You ready to work on blocking for Helpless?”

After History, Logan went to the chemistry lab to help clean out test tubes. At first, some students thought he did this to get on the really harsh teacher’s good side, but he actually found it quite calming. Also, she never mixed him up with Patton or Virgil.

Patton went to the library during his study hall. Most people, including the librarian, thought he was Logan, but he never really minded. He loved being given the opportunity to help people with their work; normally they just assumed he was dumb, but he was actually really smart! And when he wasn’t answering questions, he was buried in fiction books.

Virgil went to the English room; he used his study hall to chill with his English teacher, Mr. Sanders. People often thought that he was Virgil’s dad, but there was actually no relation. Whenever he felt really anxious (,which was most of the time,) Mr. Sanders would offer him a tissue and a hug. Mr. Sanders never mixed up the Sides.

“Guess who?” Virgil sighed, Patton did this Every. Single. Day. and yet he still thought Virgil wouldn’t know who was covering his eyes.

But he was a good sport, so he replied, “Who?”

“It’s Patton silly!” he giggled, just as always. “Hey do you mind if I buy some cookies on your account?”

“Yes Patton,” he said exasperated. “Why don’t you just let me buy you cookies instead of pretending to be me?”

Patton giggled again, (it drove Virgil crazy,) “But that would ruin the fun!” Virgil sighed as he sat in his usual seat, then made a motion as if to say, if you must. “Yay!”

As Patton ran off towards the lunchline, Logan entered the cafeteria with Roman. “Hey Patton?” Roman and Logan kept walking, making their way over to where Virgil was sitting. “Patton! Hey!”

At this point, Logan figured out what was happening, and, after he turned towards the kid, remarked, “I am sorry to disappoint, but none of us here are Patton. If you’d like to wait, he’ll be arriving from the lunchline shortly.” With that, he turned, sat, and started to unpack his lunch.

“As I was saying,” Roman continued, “it would only be for one period! Please?”

“As I’ve already told you Roman, I’m trading places with Virgil that day.”

“What?”

“Oh sorry Virgil,” Logan said, “I was merely telling Roman that next Tuesday I have already agreed to switch with you.”

“Oh yeah,” Virgil said, realizing what they were talking about. “You gotta get there faster than that Princey.”

“Oh hush Dr. Gloom.”

“Roman.”

“Sorry Patton!” Patton placed his tray on the table and started to munch on his cookies happily.

“We’ll figure this all out later,” Logan announced, “For now, scores.”

“I got one more!”

“I got two.”

“None.”

“Alrighty then,” Logan said, adjusting his glasses. “The current scores are Roman, with five--”

“Woo! Beat that!”

“Patton with six--”

“Don’t count your eggs before they hatch Roman!”

“Virgil with two--

“Oh don’t be sad Virge! It must be all that lovely makeup you’re wearing!”

“And Me, Logan, with four.”

“So what you’re saying,” Roman said slowly, comprehension dawning on his face, “is that Patton’s winning?”

“YAY!”

A week later, it was their monthly change-over. Once a month, on a random date, the four Sides would pretend to be another for an entire day. Logan did the calculations, and as it was only a few months into the school year, he concluded that there were still multiple combinations they could try out. On this particular day, Roman was Virgil, Patton was Roman, Logan was Patton, and Virgil was Logan.

“How do you manage to wear this on your face all day?”

“Shut up Roman it’s the same as when you wear stage makeup!”

“Yes but I’ve never worn it all day! Plus,” Roman added, “it’s so dark.”

“Well I have to pretend to be smart all day! How do you think I feel!”

“Hey,” Patton interjected, “You are smart Virgil!”

“Not like Logan,” he mumbled. “Plus I have to wear a tie.”

“Well you wear all black anyway, so that should feel comfy?”

“Yes Patton, but still--”

“Well I have to be bubbly and mindful of everyone’s feelings!”

“Logan stop complaining! Patton’s a great option! All you have to do is eat cookies and be kind!”

“You’re just glad Patton’s going to be you because he can sing!”

“Not true!”

“Yes true!”

“Not true!”

“Yes true!”

“Stop arguing you two!” Patton cried, “ Virgil! Roman! Knock it off!”

“He started it,” Roman whined.

“FALSEHOOD!”

“See! He’s being a baby!”

“Roman stop talking,” Logan interjected. “Virgil that “falsehood” was a little quiet. A bit louder and you’ll’ve nailed it.”

“Thanks,” Virgil whispered.

“The Happy one!” Their history teacher called.

Logan waved his hand vigorously in the air to get the teacher’s attention, “I’m here!” he shouted, though the room was quiet.

The teacher, Mrs. Spect, made a note on her clipboard before calling out, “The Dramatic one!” Patton thrust his hand into the air as he exclaimed to the class that their knight had finally arrived. “The Smart one!”

Virgil raised his hand slowly into the air with an added, “Present.”

“The Emo one!” Roman half heartedly raised his hand into the air, but other than that he gave no sign that “the emo one” had been called upon.

After that, their days went on normally. Every now and again they were befuddled, as a student would ask Logan, who was really Roman, who was really Patton, a question. But besides a few hiccups, the day progressed as usual...

[yourscientistfriend]

On Ardyn and The Effects of Isolation

More science meta! Yay!

I’m spending my time writing this up instead of actually spending time with my family :O But tbf they are the reason I can’t play the assassins festival right now.

@chocobutt-trash​ did an excellent analysis on Angelgaurd as a prison meant for Ardyn. The conversation digressed into marveling at how long Ardyn had spent in total isolation in such a small, shoddy prison. Then I mentioned the isolation experiments from the darker time in psychology. Actually testing the effects of total isolation in today’s time would never make it past a review board, but in the past....

Read More for length and questionable animal (and human!) experimentation on isolation.

“The Pathology of Boredom” used an experimental pool of subjects that I found to be the most analogous to Ardyn -- healthy adult males. This study conducted in 1957 placed patients in sensory deprivation rooms that were roughly a meter wide and a couple meters long and contained little more than a bed. 

Things went down hill hella fast. The experiment was intended to last six weeks, but the majority of individuals didn’t last a few days. All subjects had either dropped out or had to be removed before the first week .They suffered extreme restlessness, childish emotional responses, and vivid hallucinations. To quote: “Nearly all of them reported that the most striking thing about the experience was that they were unable to think clearly about anything for any length of time and that their thought processes seemed to be affected in other ways.”

Here’s the sections I find most Ardyn like. “The subjects had little control over the content” of their visions.” At first the reminisced about past incidents, their families, their friends and so on, but soon lost any sense of objectivity. Though the men had signed up for this experiment they complained how the “experimenters  were against them”  and were trying to  make things exceptionally tough for them.”  They became highly susceptible to having thoughts planted. While in isolation, for instance, the subjects were played tapes arguing that supernatural phenomena, including ghosts and poltergeists, were real; when interviewed later, they proved amenable to such beliefs. Perhaps Ifrit was whispering twisted tales in Ardyn’s ear?

Here’s the interesting thing though. These men weren’t even completely isolated. They were given food by human beings, and also when they needed to use the washrooms and things they would be escorted there by other human beings. This was *sensory deprivation*. Not social. So what would happen in a prolonged and total isolation?

Enter Harlow and his experiments on rhesus macaque monkeys.  He reported his findings and interpreted the effects of isolation as “deleterious to personal adjustment, normal sexual development,and control of aggressive and delinquent behavior.”

The monkeys were isolated in chambers until 3, 6, or 12 months of age. During the periods, the monkeys had no contact with any other animal, including humans. Harlow added, however, that no sensory deprivation was utilized. The chamber was also lighted, was allowed to emit sounds, and allowed for “adequate opportunities for cutaneous-proprioceptive expression and exploration”.

Ardyn, if put into total isolation on that island of Angelguard would be what Harlow called a “total isolate”. That is to say that he spent a year or more in totally isolation. Total isolates came out  “enormously disturbed”. They rocked themselves, grabbed and hurt themselves. They were incapable of having interpersonal relations. They also had a high drive to die, to the point they would starve themselves… Rather Ardyn like, hmm? In contrast, monkeys that were isolated to the human analogue of one year was able to recover, with intervention. A year old – same age when Prompto was recovered.

Ardyn’s predisposition to the inappropriately young and naive member of the same species could be from his extreme and prolonged isolation. .They were also unable to have normal sexual relationships – get this – except if the females were tied to a rack. (lovingly called the rape rack, mind you). According the Harlow in 1971 – sex behavior was almost non-existent except for scattered, diffuse sex responses directed toward infants

Though the behavior towards the young of their species was dependent on relationship. The isolates treated their own children with aggression. (Ardyn and Noctis analogue?) Specifically, the examples given are of one mother bashing her infants head in and another chewing off her child’s fingers. BUT. If it’s an unrelated baby monkey they were shown to be more playful, though often aggressively so,  so stated as  “played only with infants.” In a “rough and tumble play”

But this wasn’t a matter of intellectual disability. While Harlow found this total isolates were socially obliterated, in terms of learning and his team wrote, “The striking fact, however, is that all the socially isolated monkeys learned effectively after being removed from the social isolation cages. We cannot, at the present time, adequately assess the effect of prolonged total social isolation on the intellectual capabilities of rhesus monkeys…We can, however, state with confidence that the ‘intellectual mind’ is far less crippled than the ‘social mind’ by prolonged total social deprivation if adequate experience is provided subsequently.”

Ardyn’s entire behavioral pattern could be explained by his extreme and prolonged isolation. Hatred towards younger members of the family line? Check. Delusions? Check. High drive to die? Yes! Even down to the almost torture of Prompto on the cross in the basement can be explained by severe social and sensory deprivation at the hands of the gods.  Assuming Gods created humans in the world of Eos, they would know how terribly damaging this could be. This was a decided torture at the hand of Astrals. They created Ardyn Izunia from the remains of Ardyn Lucis Caelum. 

Harlow, H F, R O Dodsworth, and M K Harlow. “Total Social Isolation in Monkeys.” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America 54.1 (1965): 90–97. Print.

  Heron, Woodburn. “The Pathology of Boredom.” Scientific American, vol. 196, no. 1, 1957, pp. 52–57., www.jstor.org/stable/24941856.

[bobhwa]

Fool For Your Crown (ikon x bp)

a bestfriends!au nobody asked for. 

Staring: iKON x Blackpink

pairing: bobsoo

genre: romcom

link: aff, ao3

I suggest you guys to read it from the links bc I’m strugglying with my theme rn 

Chapter 1 - Mornings From Hell

Kim Jisoo was not a morning person. She never was and she never would be. Getting up in the morning, having to leave her comfortable bed, was pretty much the worst part of her day. It was Monday, 7:35am, and she was still wrapped up like an infant by her soft coral beddings.

‘BEEP BEEP BEEP!’

It sounded like a freakin siren from hell.

“No no, five more minutes.” Jisoo mumbly whined stuffing her face down in the fluffy pillows, trying to ignore the annoying buzz that disturbed her peaceful sleep.

But the god damned thing went off again. ‘BEEP BEEP BEEP’. She needed to change her alarm clock as soon as possible. It was getting too damn annoying.

Or maybe it had something to do with her not liking mornings that much.

‘BEEP BEEP BEEP!’. Actually no, scratch that. She hated mornings. Period. There was nothing more to that. She hated waking up early; if only she could just stay there with Matt and go back to her dream..

‘BEEP BEEP BEEP!’

Fine. Jisoo groaned and stretched her hand to locate the stupid alarm clock on her nightstand. She grabbed it and lifted it in front of her squinting puffy face so she could look at the time. 7:42am.

Fuck!

She quickly got out of bed, almost tripping on her way to the bathroom. Shit I’m gonna be late again. She thought as she rushed to wash her sleepy face and brush her teeth. She rapidly tied her hair up to a casual messy ponytail, wasting no time to put on make up, and went to find something to wear.

“Jiwon is gonna kill me.” She mumbled to herself after grabbing her favorite set of jean shorts and a black tee to match with. Once she was dressed, she tied her comfy pair of dark shoes, grabbed the small backbag from the closet and hurried to the front door of her apartment. The day did not start off well; it was gonna be one of those mornings.

*

When Jisoo left the building that she was currently living at, she didn't feel the hot summer heat she expected but a refreshing soft breeze instead. It was a chill sunny autumn morning, with a light wind which caressed her bare face and neck, making her body shiver at the feeling. The weather was currently perfect.

Heading to the bus stop, she realized it was already the 5th of September. Which only explained the mornings’ climate change and the increased amount of people that she noticed on the street, walking or waiting for their bus to arrive.

September. The month everyone returned from their summer vacations and was forced to go back to their daily routine. The month that Seoul got crowded again. When all college students returned from their hometowns to the charming fast-paced city in order to be there for the beginning of their new semester.

Jisoo sighed. This meant her lectures would start next week too. She’d have to stop working full time on the coffee shop again and adjust her schedule back to a 4-hour shift. It was an important yet hard year for her, and adding the stress of finding a place to complete her internship, she was not sure she was excited for this semester. Her phone buzzed few times, disturbing her from her previous thoughts. Before crossing the street she quickly unlocked the screen of her phone and opened the group chat that just popped up.

JN: guess who’s back in town bitches! ;)

R: JENNIEEEEE

R: I MISSED YOUUU

JN: aww missed u too babe

R: <3

R: it was so lonely without you

JN: don’t u have a bf?!

R: he doesn’t count, he ain’t you ;3

JN: lol u cheeseball

R: only for you~

JN: lmao

JN: u guys busy tonight? was thinking for a girls night out. u know, to catch up and all

R: I’m in

JN: hell yeah :D wbu Soo???  

After reading the messages, she giggled and put her phone back inside her pocket. She missed her best friends. They spent most of their summer vacations apart. Jennie was abroad while Rose went back to her hometown. She didn’t stay much though, she returned around August. But her and Jisoo didn’t manage to spend that much time together this past month; for which she had only herself to blame, not Chaeyoung.

Jisoo had decided to not leave this summer. Usually, she would go to her family in Thailand and spend her break there. But not this year. This year she instead stayed back and worked full time all three months of the summer. She needed the extra cash and if she was being honest, she didn’t feel like leaving the city this time.

Going to Thailand would mean interacting with relatives and having to deal with their high expectations and uncomfortable questions. And to make things worse, she would have to live in her sister’s and her sister’s fiancé apartment for three months. Nope, she wasn’t up for that. She would rather have to deal with the coffee shop’s annoying customers every day.      

Few minutes later Jisoo reached the bus stop across the street and took a quick glance at her white wrist watch. 8:06am. Perfect. She needed at least fifteen minutes to get to work, and that was considering the fact that the bus would arrive within the next minute. Before she managed to get more upset at herself, her phone buzzed again.

JN: I see u online Kim Jisoo...

JN: answer me u lil shit !!!

JS: srry i’m just late for work… and the fckin bus is nowhere to be found

R: again??? hahahah

R: when Bob kills you can I have ur cosmetics collection?

JS: not funny -.-

JN: well I laughed :D

JS: it’s not my fault matt couldn’t let me go

JN: WHO?!

R: her bed… she’s talking about the bed’s mattress

JN: for a sec i got excited -_-

R: ik..

JN: Chae this is serious….

RS: i know..

JN: I think she needs our help….

JS: u guys DO realize I’m still here right?

R: <3

JS: whatever i’m out gtg

JN: w8

JN: girls night yay or nay?

JS: fine, just txt me later for the details

Scoffing she put away her phone and she narrowed her eyes to the left side of the street, trying to get at least a glimpse of the blue bus she was waiting; the luck though was not on her side today. There was no sign of spoken bus and by the look of the traffic jam in front of her it wouldn’t be there soon.

With an irritated sigh, she took a step back and went to find somewhere to sit. She would just have to accept that Kim Jiwon was gonna roast her ass once she reached work.

Problem was, she had a feeling she had forgotten to do something this morning.

She just couldn’t quite put her finger on what that ‘something’ was.

[such-a-common-girl]

Irresistible [Dean Winchester x Reader] Ch. 7

Word Count: 2,347

Warnings: Language, mentions of kidnapping, angst, fluff

Irresistible Masterlist

a/n: There’s only one chapter after this, and then the epilogue! Yay!

“I’m… I’m gonna need you to repeat that.” Your voice comes out shaky. You’re sitting in the corner of the room that you’ve been placed in, your knees curled up into your chest as you look up at the man standing above you. He had been talking to you for quite a while now, but with you in your own world trying to keep yourself calm, you hadn’t been listening.

“I said,” Crowley emphasizes, annoyance clear in his voice. “That Sam and Dean are on their way. Your boyfriend quite upset with me, I can’t exactly understand why. I told him I’d take extreme measures if he didn’t start returning my calls.”

“Dean’s not my boyfriend. He’s a lying piece of shit who doesn’t think of anyone but himself.” You glare at him. “And seeing what extreme measures you’ve taken, I don’t blame him for not calling you back. You’re obviously psychotic.”

“Trouble in paradise?” Crowley raises his eyebrow, completely disregarding the last part of what you told him. “As much as it pains me to say this, love, you’re wrong about him. You don’t know the full story.”

“Yeah, because I’m taking advice from the man who had me kidnapped.” You scoff, shaking your head. “Fuck off.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Crowley rolls his eyes. “Be a good girl for a while longer. They’ll be here soon, and then we’ll get this all settled. Rowena can alter your memory and you can be on your merry little way.”

He waves you off, his men opening up the door for him as they all exit the room, leaving you to wonder what the hell he meant by that.

After the initial shock of the night’s events wore off, and Crowley insisted that he was planning on no harm coming your way, you’ve finally calmed down (and sobered up) enough to be able to take in what’s happening. Your mind is trying to find rational thoughts as to how this all happened- why were those man’s eyes black? You’ve come up with the conclusion that you were just too drunk to see things clearly. How did you get from the bar to this…place… within a matter of seconds? Easy- you blacked out from drinking too much. What does Dean have to do with all of this? Obviously, he’s involved in some underground drug ring of some sort.

You know deep down that these “rational” thoughts aren’t the truth, that you’re just lying to yourself, but it’s the only thing that’s keeping you sane right now.

After some begging and pleading, Crowley grew annoyed enough with you to unlock your restraints and let you free. You’re still locked up inside the windowless room, but you chose that over being tied down in a metal chair. It’s only been a few hours since you initially arrived, or rather appeared, in the place that Crowley had ordered his men to bring you to. It looks like an old prison or castle of some sort, and if you weren’t in the current situation that you’re in, you might have admired the building a little bit.

“Oh, Y/N, you’re in for a hell of a surprise.” Is the last bit of information you received from Crowley about anything, but that didn’t help you in the least bit. You cried and demanded to know why you’ve been kidnapped, why you’re here. All he did any time you asked is shake his head, refusing to answer anything. All you can do is sit down, wallowing in your own worries and tears as you wait for Dean to arrive so they’ll let you free.

If you asked yourself a few hours ago if you would be desperately waiting to see Dean, you would have laughed at yourself in the face. Then again, if you would have told yourself anything about what’s going on at the moment, you probably wouldn’t have believed it either.

You find yourself thinking that maybe you should have let Dean explain. He did seem genuine when he said that he loves you and he was doing it for the right reasons. In your mind, lying about everything involving your life is never the right thing to do, but if he was doing it to protect you from this than maybe you’d understand. Not that you’ll ever forgive him, but you are starting to think that maybe your anger clouded your judgement. Maybe, if you had let him explain when he finally offered after six months of keeping secrets, you wouldn’t be in this situation right now.

You laugh out loud, shaking your head as you realize how ridiculous you sound. From the sounds of it, Crowley would have kidnapped you anyways. Dean wouldn’t have ever even offered to tell you the truth if you hadn’t caught him, and even so, that doesn’t make up for the fact that he quite literally lied to you about his entire life. You couldn’t have changed anything even if you wanted to. This day would have been an utter shit storm regardless.

You hear yelling coming from the other side of the door, tearing you away from your thoughts. You quickly get up off the floor, looking curiously at the door. You recognize the voice that’s yelling- it’s Dean’s. And boy, does he sound angry.

“Crowley, where the fuck is she, you son of a bitch?” Dean yells out. You can almost see it- Dean’s jaw is probably clenched as he holds a gun up to Crowley’s head, his face full of anger. Although you don’t have a face to place to the name, you can imagine that Sam is probably standing right beside Dean, mirroring his stance.

“Relax, squirrel. She’s safe. She’s right in that door, you can see her.” Crowley’s voice comes out much more calm than Dean’s. “But, we need to talk first. I’ve left you several voicemails and you don’t return my damn calls. I needed some way to get in contact with you.”

“We’ll talk to you after we see that Y/N is safe and unharmed.” Another voice says, presumably Sam’s.

“It’s about Lucifer.” Crowley says more seriously this time. “It can’t wait.”

There is a period of silence, no one speaking. You can feel your heart beginning to race, your stomach growing nauseous as you realize what he just said. Lucifer. The Devil. Suddenly, you realize that there’s no more lying to yourself about what you’ve seen tonight. This is something much, much darker than you had anticipated.

“Me and you can talk.” Sam says. “Dean will go see Y/N. That’s the deal, or we use this demon blade right here and kill you. Got it?”

“No need to get violent, Moose.” Crowley says. “I understand. Dean’s lover and all.”

The door to your room flies open, revealing the three men standing in front of the doorway. Dean runs into the room, his eyes searching for you before he notices you standing in the corner, looking terrified. Crowley and Sam walk off, leaving you and Dean to be alone as they go speak about Lucifer.

“Y/N?” Dean walks over to you slowly, seemingly trying to decipher your emotions. In this moment, you forget about what Dean did, all the lies he fed you. All you can think about is that he’s here, that he’s saved you. He’s here.

“Dean,” You cry out, tears filling your eyes. You run over to him, plunging yourself into his chest. He wraps his arms around you, pulling you in close as you cry into his shirt. He may not be your favorite person right now, but it’s certainly comforting to be around someone you know right now.

“Are you okay?” His voice comes out shaky. “I swear to god, if he fucking touched you-“

“I’m okay.” You pull away from him. “I just want to go home, Dean. Please take me home.”

Dean does nothing but nod as he scoops you up into his arms, carrying you bridal style out of the room. You collapse into his arms, your body weak from everything that has happened to you today. You have no energy left, not even any to be angry at Dean right now. All you want is to go home.

He carries you over to his impala, sprawling out a blanket over the back seat as he lays you down. You cuddle into the blanket, it comforting you as you watch Dean get into the driver’s seat.

“We just gotta wait for Sammy to get out and then we can go, baby girl. We can go.” Dean says comforting, a mixture of anger and sympathy in his eyes as he looks at you through the rearview mirror. You don’t even attempt to correct him as he calls you that nickname once again, you just nod your head.

“My sister… She was coming to my house.” You tell Dean. “I don’t.. I don’t know what-“

“Give me your phone.” Dean looks at you, reaching his hand out. “I’ll text her for you once we get service again, okay?”

You nod, handing him your phone. You lay back down on the seat, closing your eyes to rest. You don’t know how long it is until Sam comes out, but it feels like forever. Your eyes snap open once you notice Sam entering the car, sliding into the passenger seat. He looks stressed out, his fingers rubbing his temples as he glances over at you.

“She okay?” He whispers to Dean.

“Just a little shaken up.” Dean replies. “We’re taking her with us to the bunker tonight, Sammy. I can’t let her go back home like this, not tonight. I’ve gotta… Sammy, I love her. I’ve gotta make sure she’s okay, even if she hates me.”

It occurs to you that they both think that you’re sleeping, so you close your eyes again as you continue to listen to their conversation.

“Crowley said that Rowena would be more than happy to, y’know… Remove this from her. Or I’m sure that Cas wouldn’t mind altering things either…” Sam seemingly struggles with the right words to say.

“I’m not having her memory wiped.” Dean snaps.

“What else are you going to do, man? This is going to fuck her up, you know that right?” Sam says softly. “Unless you plan on telling her the truth, you don’t have another option.”

Dean doesn’t reply to Sam, the rest of the car ride silent. It was a good few hours before you felt the car stop and Dean turn off the engine, indicating that you’re at the place that he calls the “bunker.” You sit up in the seat, rubbing your eyes as you open up your car door. Dean picks you up again, carrying you inside to his house.

You can’t help but gasp as you see how huge the place is. You never imagined Dean living in a place like this, but then again, there’s a lot of things that you don’t know. It just now occurs to you that this is the first time you’re ever going to his house, as well as meeting his brother. Unfortunately, you also realize that this may be the last time.

“Okay, baby girl, we’ve got a guest bedroom you can stay in tonight. I’ll take you home to your sister tomorrow when you wake up, okay?” Dean tells you, hurt obvious in his face. “And then I promise I will never talk to you again. I swear. I owe it to you.”

You can do nothing but nod, allowing him to continue to carry you to the bedroom. He sets you down on the bed, kissing your forehead before leaving you to be alone in the room.

You sigh, pulling the covers over your body as you lay your head down on the pillow. You close your eyes, attempting to fall asleep. Thoughts of everything starts going through your head, not allowing you to relax. So much had happened today- from being shot at, to breaking up with Dean, to getting kidnapped, to this… Sleep was not happening, despite exhaustion overtaking your body.

After some time of debating, you throw the covers off you, getting out of bed. You tip toe down the hallway, trying to remember where you had seen the kitchen earlier. You think you’ve found it, but as you turn the corner, you notice it’s a library. Sam and Dean are sitting in the chairs, each drinking a beer and looking panicked.

“I love her, man.” Dean shakes his head, sipping his beer. “A ridiculous amount. And I fucked up. Tonight’s only going to make it worse.”

“You need to tell her.” Sam says quietly. “You refused the other option. If you love her Dean, you need to tell her.”

You must have gasped, or made some sort of noise, because both of the boy’s eyes dart over to you. You look at both of them with wide eyes, unsure of what to say.

“I’ll let you two talk.” Sam clears his throat. “It was nice meeting you, by the way.”

“Yeah.” You give him a weak smile. Sam walks passed you, allowing you and Dean to once again be alone in the room. You walk over to the seat where Sam was previously sitting, taking a deep breath as you look at Dean in the eyes.

You’re not sure what to say. A part of you wants to jump into his arms again, telling him how much you love him and completely ignoring everything that has happened. But, then again, another part of you wants to ignore him and never speak to him again.

“I thought you were asleep.” Dean is the first to break the silence.

“Too many thoughts going through my head.” You shake your head, letting out a soft laugh. “We need to talk.”

“Yeah, we do.” Dean gulps.

“So, let’s talk.” You breathe out. “Tell me. Tell me everything.”

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[finnsjourney-blog]

A week later

I haven’t written an update for several reasons. One, after last week’s positive progress we took a few steps backwards. Finn didn’t sustain the BiPAP wean and after about 24 hours we put him back on. That was really hard for me. It felt like we were moving in the right direction and then just as we took two steps forward we were taking a pretty big step back. Two, processing. I’ve needed some time to process a lot of what has been going on. 

Since last week we’ve received the genetic findings. It’s official, Finn has an extremely rare genetic mutation that directly ties into his heart condition. We only know of five other people, yes FIVE, with this same mutation. All five have/had a hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. Of those five we only have data on three of them. Basically, the findings tell us that yes, this is the reason Finn has a broken heart, but not necessarily how to fix it. Because the sample size is so small and the information is so limited we will continue to let him tell us how to treat him.

The news of the genetic results is bittersweet. I am relieved that we know why and how his heart got to this point of failure. It’s reassuring to know that there is nothing that we could’ve or should’ve done differently to avoid it. It is, however, hard to accept that something like this can happen to anyone, let alone my child. As I said before, I did everything “right.” I read all the books, I ate right, I was active, I didn’t eat sushi or lunch meat or even have a sip of wine. I didn’t get a flu shot and I took my prenatal vitamins. I slept on my left side and talked to my baby daily. I was building my own super baby. How can a spelling error, a typo, put my whole life into such a tailspin? Did I do something to deserve this? We know he surely didn’t. He is so innocent, so sweet. Finn doesn’t deserve this, he should be at home in the safety of his mama’s loving arms and whining because his brother plays just a little too rough.

On Friday the 14th we met with the Mayo transplant cardiologist, Dr. John Johnson. Now that we know what we are dealing with we also know that we are eligible for a transplant should we need one. I came prepared (surprise!) with a notebook full of questions. Dr. Johnson sat with Jeff and I for almost three hours answering each one in great detail. I learned more than I ever thought I would need to know about hearts and trading one in for another. For example, did you know that before the age of one a baby can receive any blood type for a transplant? Also, the average waiting period for a child is 2-4 months and the actual surgical procedure takes about 20 minutes. He compared it to putting together simple Ikea furniture. It’s the after that is difficult. The anti-rejection drugs and problems associated with trading one disease for another. If you have any other questions I am sure I asked them and have the answers. Try me!

It turns out Dr. Johnson has a 3 month old boy. Born January 1, 2017 and therefore only 12 days older than our Finnegan. Knowing now that we qualify for a heart transplant and that he had met Finn I asked him point blank, “If that was your son in there, would you choose transplant?” He told me, “Not now.” That his ultimate goal is to NOT transplant a child, anyone for that matter. He thinks we should give Finn a chance to grow and see what he does. Based on his physical presentation we don’t need to think about transplant as an immediate need but it’s good to be informed on our options. Hopefully we never need to me Dr. Johnson again, but if we do we at least have a better idea what we are dealing with.

The rest of the weekend was uneventful. We’ve upped some of Finn’s drugs now that we know about his genetic situation and we let him rest with the increased respiratory support. He needs to get bigger and stronger so we can get back to eating and go home.

This morning during rounds Dr. Dassenko said he wanted to wean Finn’s BiPAP (again). I was shocked but excited. This time I hope it sticks. When he came in to act on the orders he said we need to keep him warm so that his heart isn’t working too hard to keep his blood flowing to his extremities. I passively said that it would be easier if he could wear clothing. He looked at me, smiled and said “okay, as long as they have snaps.” YAY, jammies! Once again we are starting to make strides in the right direction but I don’t want to write about it and jinx us again.

Send all your positive vibes, prayers, love and light that we can move ourselves forward. I am ready to take my baby home and start the healing. We need to put our family back together again and we can’t do that living in separate cities.

Today, I am feeling hopeful. 

April 18, 2017

[andrewdburton]

My 2019 year in review

On a cold first of December 2000, my car was totalled during morning rush hour. I was cruising along in the slow lane — I drive like an old man — when a tractor-trailer rig changed lanes into my Geo Storm. According to the guy behind me, the car spun around twice (although that seems unlikely) before slamming into a guardrail and coming to a stop.

The entire accident probably took all of five seconds but it seemed more like five minutes in subjective time. From the moment I felt the first jolt, my mind entered a state of hyper awareness. I could see everything happening around me — the truck looming to my left, the airbag deploying, the chaos as the car whirled about, the traffic in other lanes — but I was powerless to do anything about it.

When my vehicle came to a stop, witnesses pulled over and rushed to see if I was okay. I was stunned, but I was fine.

Over the next couple of hours — and then days — I went about picking up the pieces. The accident itself had been chaos, as I said, and it left a bit of a mess to clean up afterward. I had to have the car towed. The insurance company had to evaluate it. They had to issue me a check. I had to buy a new car. And so on.

Five seconds of chaos, five weeks of picking up the pieces, and then life settled into a new normal.

My 2019 felt much the same, my friends. I'm not trying to be overdramatic (or to catastrophize), but for a lot of the past twelve months, I've felt as if I'm stuck in a spinning car, clearly able to see what's happening but powerless to stop it.

This is, of course, a product of my anxiety and depression. Objectively, my life is fine. Great, even. Subjectively, everything's been spinning and the airbag has deployed. I know this is all in my head, but that doesn't make it any better.

That's the bad news.

The good news is that I believe — hope, maybe? — that the wreck has come to a halt. The car that is my life has stopped spinning. Over the past month, I've been “assessing the damage”. Things are messy, sure, but they're not as bad as they might have been. Now, I've slowly begun to pick up the pieces, to work toward a new normal.

Fortunately, nothing's totalled. It's a mess, but there's nothing that cannot be repaired.

2019 in Review

Hello! And welcome to 2020.

I, for one, am eager to dive into the new year. It's almost guaranteed to be an improvement over 2019, which was (subjectively) one of the most difficult years of my life. Things can only get better, right?

But when I look back objectively at the previous twelve months, things were great. Especially financially. After hemorrhaging money during the previous two years, I managed to stop the bleeding. The austerity measures I implemented last January worked. My spending declined. Meanwhile, my investments — in the stock market, in my home — all gained value.

As a result, my net worth grew substantially despite being in drawdown mode (as opposed to “wealth accumulation” mode).

At the end of 2018, my net worth was $1,334,227. This was a 15.2% decline from 2017!

At the end of 2019, my net worth was $1,449,808. This is an 8.7% increase over last year.

In 2020, I intend to continue pursuing frugality. Kim and I have talked about various ways we can both cut our spending even more than we already have (while still enjoying the things that bring us value, such as travel). But my top financial goal is to increase my income with Get Rich Slowly. That means publishing more articles and organizing the existing material so that it's more useful to new visitors.

As I get back in the habit of writing for GRS, I've noticed that some readers have questions. My sporadic publishing schedule has left gaps in what I've shared about my life.

“What happened to working at the box factory?”

“Why are you renting an office?”

“Did you ever buy a new car?”

And so on.

In my head, I've shared about this stuff. But that's probably just in my head. Today, as we wrap up 2019, I thought it might be a good time to fill in some of these gaps.

Health and Fitness

From a health and fitness perspective, 2019 sucked. And because my health and fitness sucked, the rest of the year seemed to suck more than it actually did. When you're not well, everything else seems off…even if it isn't actually so.

At the start of the year, things seemed fine. I was heavier than I wanted, but I was going to the gym and generally happy.

Something happened in March, though. Every spring, I get deeply depressed as my tree allergies flare up. This year, though, things were especially bad. At the end of March, I went to the emergency room with what I thought was a heart attack. It wasn't a heart attack. It was probably a panic attack.

As a result, I started attending therapy for the first time in ten years. Over the next few months, I sunk deeper into depression and my anxiety worsened. It sucked. Now, though, things seem to be improving. But I've suffered a lot of lost time and productivity.

“A lot of your self-worth seems to come from accomplishments,” my therapist said last week. I hadn't ever thought of that. She's right. Work, school, play — a lot of how I feel comes from the results I achieve rather than the effort I expend. Something to work on!

In November, I had a colonoscopy. Cancer runs in my family, and I don't want to take any chances. The doctor removed nine polyps. Two were hyperplastic (“of no significance”) and seven were adenomatous (not cancerous, but could lead to cancer). So, good news there.

All of this healthcare stuff was expensive. I met my $7900 out-of-pocket health insurance max this year, which boggles my mind. Plus, I ended the year ten pounds heavier than I started it.

Despite all of this, I'm hopeful for the future. I seem to have turned the corner on the depression and anxiety. I'm making progress. And I have a plan for improving my fitness, a plan that involves walking and biking to work every day. Much of my mental state seems to be tied to my physical fitness, so this is all good stuff.

Work

At the start of 2019, I went back to work for the family box factory. I was training to replace my cousin, who has throat cancer and is continually told he has three months left to live. When it came time for him to leave, I'd take over as bookkeeper and office manager. That was the plan.

That didn't work out.

For one, it was taking time away from this website. For another, it was tough to justify commuting an hour each day, especially when I don't really need the money. Plus, I felt like working together was placing a strain on our family relationships. So, I stopped working for the family business at the end of June. (Fortunately, Duane is still with us and still managing the office. We're even talking about taking another trip together!)

At Get Rich Slowly, I struggled to find rhythm and direction. I feel like I've managed to achieve a sort of balance now, thankfully. I'm writing what I want when I want, and that takes a lot of pressure off me. Tom and I are still trying to get the stupid redesign finished — it's only taken two years! — but that's all on me. I'm the sticking point.

As I've mentioned in passing, GRS has increased revenue over the past year. I'd still like to boost income even more, but I'm unwilling to do so in ways that compromise the user experience, so that limits my options. Tom and I will keep experimenting, though.

Meanwhile, I've begun working on a project that excites me. I'm creating a five-hours, ten-part introductory course on financial independence and early retirement for Audible and The Great Courses. That'll be sucking up most of my time for the next four months, in fact.

Lastly, I should point out that I have moved into a new office space. At our family meeting on Thanksgiving, Kim urged me to rent space outside the house. She thought it would give me mental separation between work and home. Turns out, she was right.

In December, I rented a small (129 square foot) office for $325 per month and it's awesome. It's a great space that I love. Best of all, it actually seems to be fostering productivity. Yay!

Money

Now, let's get to the good stuff. Let's talk about personal finance.

I was relatively pleased with my money management this year. After seeming to vomit money in 2017 and 2018 (from remodeling the house, buying back this website, and investing in other businesses), I buckled down and looked for ways to not spend. I actively worked to reduce my discretionary expenses in 2019, and have plans to reduce them even more in 2020.

Normally, I have lots of numbers to share. I'll certainly share some in a moment, but my records are spotty for 2019. I spent two months on the road, during which I didn't keep good records. I stopped tracking at the end of July, and didn't resume until the end of October. When I did resume, I switched from Quicken 2007 to Quicken 2017. I thought it was time to enter the modern era. I wish I hadn't.

I'm now left in something of a pickle. My Quicken 2007 records stop in late July. My Quicken 2017 records start at the end of October. After using it for nearly three months, I've come to the conclusion that I do not like the modern version of Quicken, and for many reasons. (Maybe I need to do a review?) I want to go back to Quicken 2007.

That said, Quicken 2007 is near the end of its useful life. Intuit no longer supports it. It will not run on modern versions of the Macintosh operating system. So, I'm keeping an old machine to run the program (and to play World of Warcraft), which is silly.

What I'll probably do is “reset” Quicken 2007 to 31 December 2019. That means manually entering adjusting balances, etc. Long-term, this means I'll lose six months of financial data, which will make spending comparisons difficult. But it's probably the best solution.

Anyhow, let's look at some of my spending for 2019.

In the spreadsheet below, I've included monthly averages for three time periods: all of 2018, for the first half of 2019, and then for the two months between October 20th (when I started using Quicken 2017) and December 19th (when I created the spreadsheet). Here's my average monthly spending on selected categories:

Some intersting things to note:

After forty years of collecting comic books, I sold almost everything in 2013. Since then, I buy funny books only rarely. In 2018, I stocked up on some digital comics (thus the relatively high monthly expense), but nowadays I buy maybe one collection per month…if that. (I just bought the To Kill a Mockingbird graphic novel yesterday, for example.) Progress!

As you may recall, I was very concerned with my iTunes spending when I crunched the numbers for 2018. I was shelling out over $250 a month to buy movies and TV shows. Holy cats! During the first half of 2019, I worked to bring that number down. And over the past couple of months, it's fallen even farther.

One of my big goals for this year was to reduce my food spending. It's absurd that I spend so much on this category. In 2018, I spent $1038 per month on food, which included $619 per month on groceries and $390 per month on restaurants. To cut costs, I decided to try the meal service HelloFresh for the year. It didn't work. My combined spending on groceries and HelloFresh increased instead of declining. This week will be my last order from the company. (I have another article in the wings that explains more about this decision.)

Finally, I've made some progress on my “sin” spending, but not enough. My sin category includes alcohol and (legal) marijuana. I should note that I don't use pot recreationally very often, but I do use it to sleep almost every night. Anyhow, I'm spending $8 per day on “sin”, and I feel like that's too much. This is something I'm working on with my therapist, so let's hope that when I do my 2020 summary, we see some progress here.

Looking at my numbers for the last two months, I spent $10,987.24 between October 20th and December 19th. Of this, $3817.81 went to property taxes, which means I spent $7169.93 (or $3585.97 per month) to support my lifestyle. Not bad. Not bad.

If we amortize the property taxes across twelve months, we get $4221.27 of spending per month, which is $50,655.26 per year. I think $50,000 seems like a resonable spending goal. Let's see how close I can get to that in 2020!

Final Thoughts

To wrap up our look at my financials, here's how my end-of-year net worth has progressed over the past few years:

2016 –> $1.58 million

2017 –> $1.58 million (does not include the value of this site)

2018 –> $1.33 million (does not include the value of this site)

2019 –> $1.45 million (does not include the value of this site)

That huge loss in 2018 still stings, but I know it wasn't money frittered on fast cars and loose women. It was money spent remodeling the house and buying back Get Rich Slowly.

Oh yeah. I forgot to answer one common question. Did I ever buy a new car? No. I'm still cruising around in my 2004 Mini Cooper. Plus, last January I spent $1900 on a 1993 Toyota pickup, which I love. (“I know this is a piece of junk,” I told Kim as we were driving to IKEA yesterday. “But I love it. I'd give up the Mini before I'd give up this truck.”)

When the Mini Cooper dies, I do intend to replace it with a new one, but I hope that won't be for several years yet. Meanwhile, Kim is actively looking to replace her 1997 Honda Accord. We've done one test drive, and she may do another while I'm here at the office today. She's a big fan of J.L. Collins, so she plans to take a similar approach to how he bought his new car.

So, that's how my 2019 was. How was yours?

The post My 2019 year in review appeared first on Get Rich Slowly.

from Finance https://www.getrichslowly.org/2019-year-in-review/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[0506ft]

soulmate - yukhei!!

If there was one thing you hated about the rules of life, it was the fact soulmates existed. You lived your life feeling like you weren’t meant for love. The boys you liked didn’t like you and as much as you hated the feeling of being tied down, you couldn’t help but fantasize about certain aspects of being in a relationship.

You hated that you friends had found theirs and you hated that you didn’t feel like doing anything to find yours. That being said, you hated soulmates, you hated the rules and you sure as hell hated the fact you dreamt about his day.

Your soulmate was pretty funny. You’d constantly hear him yelling and screaming at his friend and truthfully, you found most of his jokes hilarious. He had many friends, quite different from you if you had to be honest. You had a few good friends and you were thankful enough. However, it seemed like he hung out with different people every single day but you did notice a few familiar faces like his three best friends, Taeyong, Yuta and Jungwoo.

“Yukhei,” You were already aware that your soulmate was called by many names. Sometimes you heard Lucas, other times Xuxi but your favourite was what his mother called him, Yukhei.

“Yes, ma?” He spoke.

“It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?”

Yukhei nods, “I haven’t dreamt about her in a long time.”

You’d like to say that you knew everything about your soulmate, every single thing about him, you basically grew up with him, with all the imagery of his day in your dreams. But you never once have heard him talk about his dreams, specifically about you.

“You should go to the doctor.”

“To get my dreams fixed? It’s fine. She’s probably not dreaming about me. She doesn’t seem very interested in soulmates.”

His mother chuckles and places his hands over Yukhei’s face, “Silly boy. How would you know?”

“Well she’s never actually mentioned about me to her friends.”

“Do you?” His mother asks.

Yukhei shakes his head, “Well, aren’t girls usually more excited about soulmates than guys?”

His mother laughs, “Everyone gets excited about soulmates.”

You jolted up, awake from your dream. Your stomach churned, and you couldn’t lie to yourself but you did feel bad that Yukhei had felt this way. You didn’t mean for him to think you didn’t care.

“You know it’s time you did something about that soulmate of yours.” Your friend pipes in.

“What are you talking about?” You turned to her, sipping your coffee.

“I’m talking about the fact you don’t talk about him.”

“I’ve said enough.”

“I’ve been your friend for 7 years and honestly all you’ve ever said about him was that his name was Yukhei and that’s it. Shouldn’t you be more excited?” Your friend cried in exasperation. You could feel the frustration coming out from her doe eyes.

You looked over to your incomplete assignments and back to your friend before letting out a sigh.

“Fine,” You say.

Your friend grins and claps her hands, “Yay!”

“Just recently, I had a dream about him.”

“Duh…”

“I’m not done.”

“Right, continue.”

“He hasn’t been dreaming about me. It looks like he’s starting to give up on the thought of meeting me.” You sighed.

“You know,” Your friend says, “There was actually a period of time Doyoung and I didn’t really dream of each other. Mostly Doyoung. It was when I had that really tough break up with Renjun. (lol) I couldn’t think of anything, all I thought about was Renjun. Literally. Just ask Doyoung, the last few dreams he had before having no dreams were just of me crying. I’m glad I got out of that rut though and glad I found Doyoung.”

“So…what you’re saying is that he stopped dreaming of me because I stopped it from happening?”

“What I’m saying is that, your soulmate is there for a reason. Stop pushing him away just because you don’t trust yourself to find someone.”

“You finally dreamt of her?” Jungwoo asked.

“Thank God, I was starting to get annoyed with your constant whining like damn why can’t you shut up, I’m trying to fortnite and all I hear is your low ass voice in the background weeping,” Yuta rolled his eyes. “Love you though.”

“Anyway,” Taeyong nudged Yuta annoyed, before turning back to Lucas, “That’s a good sign. She’s thinking of you again.”

“That’s not the best part. Her friend…is dating Doyoung.”

“Kim Doyoung. The one that looks like the real life version of the rat from ratatouille?”

“Yeah, I mean hey, he’s my friend!” Taeyong mumbled.

“Guys! You’re not getting the point! I can finally meet her.” Yukhei announced.

“That’s great, except, you’re forgetting that she had a period of time where she didn’t think about your oompa Loompa ass for a period of time.” Yuta mentions, still focused on his game.

“Well she’s thinking about him recently, so I think he should go for it” Jungwoo says.

Taeyong shrugs, “Although I do want to support this, I really have to agree with Yuta. You don’t know what she’s like what if she isn’t that interested in soulmates, I don’t want you heartbroken man.”

“Well I wouldn’t know until I actually try.”

“It’s the first time I’ve seen you positive in months so go for it.” Yuta says.

“Finally, the first nice thing that comes out of your mouth.”

“Shut up.”

You were freaking out. Yukhei was finding you. You didn’t really know how he looked mainly because you were always in his shoes and technically you weren’t ready to meet him. You always thought if you did meet your soulmate it’d be by pure coincidence.

“Calm down. Doyoung said that Yukhei’s a nice guy except he’s loud and kinda like a dumb jock but overall he’s harmless.”

“A dumb jock?” You raised an eyebrow. “I-“

“Is this, uh, Yukhei’s soulmate?” You looked up and see a tall boy with comic-like features and large beady eyes that kind of intimidated you, no lie, he was extremely handsome but his voice did remind you somewhat of a lizard.

“Uh, yeah?”

“You’re much prettier than I expected.” He spoke, before covering his mouth, “Sorry, habit.”

“It’s fine. Uh I’m guessing you’re not Yukhei?”

“How’d you know?”

“I recognize you from my dreams. Taeyong, right?”

Taeyong looked almost surprised you remembered him but changed his focus onto your friend.

“You’re the rat’s girlfriend?”

“Rat?” Your friend raised an eyebrow.

“Sorry, I mean Doyoung.”

“Yeah…”

“Where’s Yukhei?” You asked, getting annoyed at the talk that was getting nowhere.

“Well…he was initially very pumped. Super pumped. Like he was super excited, got new shoes, a fly new jacket as he’d say and new jeans, and he actually showered after 3 days so…yeah.”

“And?”

“He got scared.” Taeyong mumbled.

You stood silent for a minute just staring at Taeyong before staring back at your empty cup of coffee. You gathered all the little courage you had and looked at Taeyong straight in the eye before saying words you’d never expected to say.

“Can I see him?”

“Wait…now?”

“Yes! Now!” You stood up, grabbing your bag. Your friend looked at you surprised before following you.

“I…fine. He’s gonna kill me but…fine.” Taeyong scratched the back of his head uneasily and begun leading you the way to the apartment building 3 blocks down.

“Just a heads up, he’s pretty down from chickening out. Also, he’s a bit affected that you hadn’t been thinking about him hence the lack of his dreams.”

You nodded before standing face to face with his apartment door. You stood outside and looked back to Taeyong and your friend who looked at you with two thumbs up.

“Good luck.” Your friend mumbled.

You knocked on the door, feeling nervous.

“Yuta, I told you to stop coming my house uninvited, you chin infested freak.” Someone, you were assuming Yukhei, opened the door. His eyes widened, realizing that you weren’t Yuta and immediately apologized. “I’m sorry, I thought you were my friend and I just…sorry. Crap I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” You shook your head. You were pretty sure your cheeks were incredibly flushed. You didn’t really know how Yukhei looked like before and just seeing how tall he was in real life, how broad he was and how good looking he was kind of made you intimidated.

“Ah, are you looking for someone?” Yukhei questioned. You noticed that he was in a oversized hoodie and boxers and immediately your cheeks felt warm.

“I…uh….”

Yukhei noticed your stare and reciprocated the embarrassment before questioning if you were the new girl who was supposed to collect milk cartons.

“I’m not. I’m your, uh, soulmate.”

“W..what?” Yukhei looked over to the side, spotting Taeyong who was hiding.

“Taeyong…said you were, uh, shy. And I thought I’d come to you.”

“I…It’s nice to meet you.”

“I’d say the same but you’re in boxers.” You joked.

Yukhei chuckled, “I never knew you liked to joke around.”

“If you paid attention to your dreams you’d see that I do like joking around.”

“Well, if you actually thought of me, maybe I’d dream of you.” Yukhei mentioned.

You stayed mum, feeling guilty.

Yukhei noticed your silence and shook his head, almost embarrassed he had brought that up, “I’m kidding! I’m just kidding!”

“I’m sorry.” You apologized. “I just…I haven’t really been excited for relationships.”

“I know.”

“You know?” You frowned. “How?”

“I just do. I’m your soulmate for a reason.” Yukhei chuckled.

“But I do apologise for thinking of you differently just because I’ve been disappointed before.”

“It’s fine. I mean you’re here to give me a chance now, so I guess that’s good.” Yukhei mumbled.

“Actually, I’m just here to apologise and head back…”

“Oh…” Yukhei muttered. “It’s still fine!”

“I’m joking.” You giggled. “I do want to take you out on a date except I really hope you’re not wearing boxer shorts.”

“Oh, right!” Yukhei laughed before inviting you in.

“Come in, I’ll make you a drink and you can hang around in the living room and I’ll just quickly get ready and we can go.”

“I have to warn you though I don’t really know any good places for dates.”

“Well, you’re in luck, there’s too many places I know.”

“Really now? Surprise me then.”

“I’ll think of where to bring you when I’m changing, just take a seat!”

You looked around Yukhei’s apartment, strangely it was tidy even though you did see a few clutters around the house, you had to applaud him for keeping most of the place in order.

“Do you live alone?” You yelled.

“No, I live with a friend. Uh, Jungwoo.” Lucas yelled back. You noticed that he wasn’t putting that much effort in yelling, you figured it was because he was so used to being loud.

“Is he home?”

“He’s out with Yuta.”

“You mean the chin infested freak?” You joked.

Yukhei laughed, “Exactly!”

“Chin infested freak? Is that what your lobster ass thinks of me?”

“Yuta? What the fuck are you doing in my room?”

“WE’RE ALL IN YOUR DAMN HOUSE WONDERING HOW SHIT WOULD GO DOWN!”

“Where the hell are all of you idiots hiding?!” Yukhei exclaimed.

“Okay, in my defense, Yuta shoved me in here.” Jungwoo said, climbing out from the laundry basket.

“Well, in MY defense, I only sneaked in here after bringing her here so it’s 10 minutes less from them.”

“Technically, I’ve been under your bed for an hour but who’s counting?”

“An hour?!” Yukhei yelled.

“Yeah, and if you’re wondering yes, I did see you jacking off and no I’m not going to tell her.”

“I’m still here and I can kind of hear everything.”

“Whoa, Yukhei, you didn’t tell me she was pretty.” Jungwoo mumbled, looking up at you from the ground.

“Uh, thanks.”

“I didn’t know how she looked.” Yukhei rolled his eyes.

“Wait, she’s pretty? I wanna see.” Yuta added.

“Don’t open the door, I’m not wearing any pants.”

“Well she’s seen you with boxers on there’s no difference?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Wow, you guys are incredibly loud and noisy.” Your friend popped up, climbing out from the table.

“You too?” You frowned.

“Doyoung wasn’t picking up his phone and I was bored.”

“Doyoung, the rat looking one?” Yuta piped in.

“Hey!” Your friend yelled.

“Okay, that’s it!” Yukhei barged out from his room with the same hoodie and jeans. He stormed over to you and pulled you along.

“You guys can stay, we’re leaving.” Yukhei declared before looking back at you, worried. “I mean if you’re okay with it.”

“They’re not even dating, and he’s already whipped!” Yuta cried.

“It’s called manners, but I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t know that.” Taeyong rolled his eyes.

“Wow, is this how we’re gonna be, lizard freak?”

“I kissed a lizard ONE time! And you’re labelling me a lizard freak? It was a dare!”

Yukhei pulled you out from his small apartment and although the fight was getting entertaining, you were kind of glad to be out of that small yet loud environment.

“I’m sorry, my friends are a mess.”

“It’s fine. So are mine. But I guess we have to stick together to drown the crazy.”

“Are you trying to say there’ll be more of us in the future?”

“I’m not saying anything until I actually get to know more of you.” You laughed.

“Alright, alright. Let’s go.”

“Where are you taking me?”

“Somewhere. Just trust me.”

[mojput-mypath]

The topic is: Hair / Tema je: Kosa

Idemo ispočetka. Htjela sam vam pisati o kontradiktornosti i kombinatorici novaca i božanske ljubavi. Htjela sam vam pisati o tome kako sam se prosvijetlila, a istovremeno se ne pomaknula s iste točke. Htjela sam vam pisati o malom čudu od djeteta čijeg života mogu, na sreću, biti mali dio. Htjela sam vam pisati o tome kako se ništa ne mijenja, ili kako se mijenja jako sporo, dok ne pogledam unazad i vidim da se sve turbo promijenilo. I možda ću vam pisati o svemu tome. Prvo vam želim pisati o nečem drugom. Već sam o tome govorila. Istina je ta da imam popis od 17 tema koje samo vrtim drugim rječnikom. Sada kada sam vam  otkrila duboko skrivene tajne bloga, naglo će opasti broj čitalaca – ova se samo ponavlja! No, nikada nije na odmet nešto ponoviti. Pogotovo ako imate memorijski kapacitet zlatne ribice i čini vam se kao da sve ovo čujete i čitate po prvi puta ikada. Da prijeđemo već jednom na tematiku:

Ono kad želiš da se nešto promijeni, i želiš to više od svega, i čini ti se da se to mora promijeniti. Eh, onda kada se promijeni – šok i nevjerica. Ajajajaj , nisam sigurna da sam htjela da se «baš tako» promijeni. Hmmmm.

Cijelo vrijeme od kada sam došla iz ashrama paničarim kako ne radim svoju dnevnu praksu kako treba. Uz to, već zadnjih pola godine ili duže, prije prelaska iz zakukuljenog svijeta u izloženi, su mi subjektivno slabe meditacije. Nemirna sam, ne «spavam» snom pravednika za vrijeme meditacije. Kažu ti na tečaju meditacije lijepo da ne prosuđuješ meditaciju subjektivnim ogledalom onoga što se događa za vrijeme same meditacije, već eventualno kako se osjećaš poslije ili u životu.

Svo to vrijeme dok sam imala niz «subjektivno neuspješnih» meditacija, to ništa nije utjecalo na moj svakodnevni rad, odmor, napor i tako dalje i bliže. No, u glavi je to bio veliki problem, bio je to period «neuspjeha». E jesam osvježila ovaj post «navodnicima».

Nadalje, od kad nisam u ashramu, radim vježbe disanja i meditaciju svaki dan, uz poneku iznimku. Jedino što se promijenilo je to da nije svaki dan isto. Uvijek radim nešto malo drugačije, nečeg više, nečeg manje, ubacujem i izbacujem yogu, dodatne pranayame, chantove i bla bla. Uglavnom, kratki spoj nastaje sa stavljanjem etikete na to što je to uspješna, a što neuspješna dnevna praksa jedne joginke. Navika nalaže jedno, stvarnost nešto potpuno drugo.

I treća stvar, možda najvažnija zabluda, jest to da kad sve ove stvari radim koje radim, onda duhovno «napredujem». I radim praksu radi toga – duhovnog napretka. S tom namjerom. Radim yogu zato da bi mi meditacija bila dublja. Najbolje bi bilo kad bih imala taj neki prekidač kojeg kliknem, i eto «dubokog meditativnog iskustva» na vratanca. Jupi! Ali nije tako, vidim da nije. Meditiram već godinama, i uvijek je drugačije. I nije nužno puno bolje kad sam meditirala više ili manje ili ovako ili onako. Također, svijet meditacije kao da je nešto odvojeno od stvarnosti. «Tamo» idem na regeneraciju, samo u posebnim prilikama, na poseban način, točno tako i tako. Tko je postavio embargo na stapanje meditativnog iskustva i stvarnosti? Sa Sri Srijem zadnjih godina se često meditira otvorenih očiju. (Pretpostavljam) kako bi iskusio taj međuprostor sklada vanjskog i unutarnjeg svijeta. Kako oni surađuju, djeluju istovremeno. Dođeš na tečaj meditacije, bude ti divno i krasno. Iskustva duboka, boje prekrasne, osjećaš mir, nemaš misli. Aha, koliko dugo? Dok ne kročiš korakom na stanicu od vlaka i netko malo glasnije poviče. Gdje mi je sva ta meditacija otišla, ništa to ne valja, ne pomaže!

Sad je vrijeme za pomak. Poželim duhovno napredovati, i imati još «dublja» iskustva. I onda, uz pomoć duše, Stvoritelja, dobrog učitelja i ThetaHealing-a shvatim kako imati «dublje» iskustvo znači, ne može biti jednostavnije – uistinu živjeti život. S onom pažnjom s kojom promatram dah u nosnicama kako ulazi i izlazi, s istom tom pažnjom promatrati svijet, biti prisutan svakim korakom, svakim udahom, svakom rječju.

Nije mi se to svidjelo. Htjela sam zlatnu formulu, obećanje da ne moram nikad ništa ni u čemu uložiti nikakav trud, a kamoli nešto promijeniti. I taman se lijepo uljuljkam u svoju vlastitu životnu priču: živiš u jednom gradu, našla si dobar način da radiš svoju posebnu duhovnu praksu, obitelj ti je blizu, posao radiš. I to je sada to. Krasno. Evo ga, život! I to je sve? Jedva sam dočekala da imam sve «posloženo», i te sekunde kada sam osjetila da je sve posloženo izvana, uslijedio je sljedeći trenutak. Onaj koji mi govori da se tek sada ništa nije posložilo. Želim li iznova i iznova živjeti u identičnoj sigurnosti u kojoj se naizgled osjećam dobro? Dok iznutra gori požar koji spaljuje svaku naznaku ustaljenosti? Uistinu bih iz dubine duše željela da me život šamara, da me vraća na «pravu stazu» koja je najbolja za mene. I te iste sekunde kada to napravi, uistinu iz dubine duše se želim vratiti na svoju sigurnu sporednu cesticu koja ne vodi nikuda, ali ima spremnu ležaljku razapetu između dva stabla. Malo da čamim. Ne žuri mi se nikud.

Grande zaključak je da treba živjeti život. A ne živjeti «duhovni» život i «svjetovni» život. Živimo «život»!

Hehe.

Baš bi bilo lijepo tu stati, vizualno i sadržajno. ALI. Ne ide. Ima toga još ovdje gore u glavurdi za podijeliti. Ili? Možda je vrijeme za promjene. Stoga, doviđenjce. 

P.S. Nakon 7 godina bivanja ženom s kosom, evo me, žena s manje kose.

Let us take it from the top. I wanted to write you about the combinations that money and divine love create. I wanted to write to you how I got enlightened, and yet have not moved an inch. I wanted to write to you about the little miracle of a child, whose life I can luckily be a small part of. I wanted to write you how nothing changes, or changes so slowly, until I look back and see how everything has indeed changed a lot. I might write about all this. First I want to write you about something else. Something I have spoken about before. The truth is that I have a list of 17 topics I keep recycling, just changing the vocabulary a bit. Now that I discovered the deep secrets of the blog, the number of readers will suddenly drop - she keeps repeating herself! It is never so bad to repeat something again. Specially when one has a memory capacity of a goldfish and it seems that all this is heard and read for the first time ever. OK, let us move on to the topic: 

That feeling when you wish for something to change and you wish it more than anything, and it seems to you it must change. Then, when it actually does change, shock and disbelief follow. Ayayay, I am not so sure this is how I wanted it all to change. Hmmmm.

This entire time since leaving the ashram, I have been in panic how my daily practice is not going right. Along with that, around six months or more, before shifting from the cocooned world into the exposed one, my meditations are subjectively weaker. I am restless, I do not go into a “deep sleep-like” experience during the meditations. They do tell you in the meditation course that a subjective mirror will not show the reality of what really does happen during meditation, but you can rather judge it by how you feel later or generally in life. 

As I kept having a series of “subjectively unsuccessful” meditations, it has not affected my daily work, rest, efforts etc. Though, the head saw this as a big issue, an “unsuccessful” period. I really decorated this post with “quotes”.

Further to that, since not staying in the ashram, I kept doing my breathing exercises and meditation every day, with occasional exceptions. The only thing that changed is that the practice is not always the same. I keep doing something a little different every day, more of something, and less of something else, doing or not doing more yoga, extra pranayams, chanting and so on. Mostly the short circuit in by brain occurs when I put labels on what is successful and what is unsuccessful daily practice of a yogi. Habit says one, reality says something else.   

A third thing, maybe the greatest delusion is, when doing these things, then I am “spiritually advancing”. This is why I do the practice, to spiritually advance. With that intention. I do more yoga, so I can have a deeper meditation. It would be excellent to have a switch to click and there it is, a “deep meditative experience” at my doorstep. Yay! But it is not like that, I can see it is not. I have been meditating for a few years now and it is always different. It is not necessarily always much better to meditate more or less or in this or another way. Also, the meditation world seems to be something separate from reality. I go “there” to regenerate, only at special occasions, in an exact and particular way. 

Who put an embargo on fusion of a meditative experience and reality? Sri Sri has been doing these open-eyes meditations in the last years. (Supposing) to experience the space in between, where the inner and outer world are in harmony. How they cooperate and act simultaneously. You come and do a meditation course, and you have a lovely time. The experience is truly deep, the colours are magnificent, you feel peace, have no thoughts. Right. For how long? Until you step on the train station and someone yells a little louder. Where has all the meditation gone, it is not working, it does not help at all!

Now is the time for a shift. I wish to progress on the spiritual path, and have “deeper” experiences. And then, with a little assistance from the soul, the Creator, a good teacher and ThetaHealing, I understood how to have a “deeper” experience means, and it cannot get simpler, to truly live life. With the attention we put on our nose following the breath coming in and out, to observe the world, to be present with every step, every breath, every word.

I did not like it at first. I wanted a golden formula, a promise I never need to put any effort into anything, let alone change something. Just as I find myself comfortably set into my own life story: living in one city, family close by, working. And that is it. Lovely. There it is, life! That is it? I hardly waited to have everything “set up” and the same moment I felt all is in its place on the outside, the next moment arrived. The next moment that tells me nothing fell into place. Would I willingly choose to live in the identical security that is seemingly making me feel good? While on the inside there is a fire lit that burns every wisp of steadiness?

I would truly from the depth of my soul wish for life to slap me, putting me back on the “right track” that is best for me. The same second when it does, truly from the depth of my soul I wish to go back to my safe side-road that takes me nowhere, but has a hammock set in between two trees. Let me hang out for a bit. I am in no hurry. 

The Grand Conclusion is that life is to be lived. Not to live the “spiritual” life nor the “worldly life”. Let us live “life”!

Hehe.

This would be a nice place to stop, visually and content-wise. BUT. It is a no go. There is much more up here in my head to share. Or? Maybe it is time for more changes. So, so long.

P.S. After seven long years of being a woman with hair, here I am, a woman with a bit less hair.