#time to change that !

[writing-for-life]

Dream’s Therapist Love: Nada

I flick through my session notes (Intake | Insomnia | Nightmares | Emotions | Parents | Siblings) to prepare for today’s session and notice my apprehension and discomfort.

Apprehension because I decided to broach the topic of romantic relationships today, which the client seems to believe are not for him, as previously discussed.

Discomfort because I recall our last session and have a distinct feeling that the client is trying to catch me off guard somehow. He also seems to be convinced he can read my mind, which is obviously delusional.

However, he was very close on each attempt, suggesting high competence in judging emotions and intentions, which I do not see otherwise reflected in his behaviour and outlook.

All things considered, I will need to reassess after today’s session and consider supervision.

I am surprised the client is exactly on time today, and my receptionist leads him in on the dot, throwing me a likewise befuddled glance.

DT: Oh, you are on time today.

Dream (I notice snark): I am never late, am I?

DT: No, but you are usually early.

Dream: I could not fathom what to read today, so I just did not feel like… sitting around.

DT (I feel slightly confused): You come here early so you can read?

Dream: (I notice a sort of hum.)

DT: I won’t hold you back of course. Do you enjoy reading at home?

Dream (He does not reply and throws three books on my desk before he does the same to his backside and the chair. I take a glance and recognise Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye. The other two are both by Kazuo Ishiguro: The Remains of the Day and Never Let Me Go.)

DT (I take note of the general theme of these novels and wonder if I should really look deeper into his relationships, especially of a romantic kind, today. These book choices do not seem arbitrary to me. Then again, I probably shouldn’t start reading into things): These are interesting choices. Would you like to expand on why you relate to them?

Dream: Reading them does not imply relating.

DT: Don’t we read because we wish to relate? Find ourselves in characters? Understand ourselves better? Escape?

Dream (I notice the distinct stare of someone who looks at a woman with two heads): I read stories. Weave them. I am not in them.

DT: That’s not what I said though, is it? (I notice a scowl. ) But let’s entertain that thought for a moment—you could be in a story. Somewhere. In someone’s mind.

Dream (I notice an exasperated-sounding puff of air exiting his nose. He stays otherwise silent.)

DT: You told me in your first session that you struggle to commit to romantic relationships. Can you tell me why?

Dream (I was not entirely prepared for that kind of hostile glare): I do not struggle to commit.

DT: But you said…

Dream: …that I have commitment issues and that love is a quaint human invention like…

DT: … gluten-free pizza or reality TV.

Dream (His mouth hangs open for a split second. When he closes it, he simultaneously narrows his eyes): You finished my sentence.

DT: As you did mine.

Dream: Point taken.

DT: You might recall you told me you can read minds?

Dream (I notice something resembling a half-smile): Ah, but I doubt you can.

DT: No, but I am not too bad at remembering. And educated guessing.

Dream (I notice a slight sigh): Did you really think I was serious when I said love is a quaint human invention resembling… (he gestures aimlessly) tasteless food products?

DT: No. I thought it was a defence mechanism to cover up past hurt (I brace myself for the fallout.)

Dream (What I wasn’t prepared for is that his voice seems to drop half an octave and sounds like… melancholy. There is no other word for it): The truth is that I find myself troubled by… matters of the heart. Love, it seems, eludes me.

DT: Love is complicated for most people, so you’re in good company (I note a certain amount of disbelief in his expression). I am not going to force you to talk about something you don’t want to talk about, but I do think it would help to tell me about your past relationships.

Dream (He stares at my paperweight. Which makes me think that one day, I will need to ask him what’s so special about it, or what it reminds him of. But now is not that time): There was Nada, obviously. (He stops himself and looks at me through his lashes)

DT: Obviously.

Dream: I condemned her to Hell for ten thousand years because she rejected me.

DT (It’s always so hard to tell if he is in the grip of his delusion, or if he is using strange metaphors to make a point. I hesitate for a moment and then decide to give him the benefit of the doubt): That sounds... intense. How did that make you feel?

Dream (I notice his foot is tapping): How did what make me feel?

DT: The rejection.

Dream (I notice his brow is tied up in knots): You are more worried about the rejection than my condemning her to Hell?

DT: I’m not worried about anything. Just more interested in one thing than the other.

Dream: For science? (Is he actually… smiling?)

DT: For science (He is). And to support you in understanding patterns we might unearth, which in turn might help you to understand yourself (The smile disappears and is replaced with 12 minutes of silence while staring out of my window).

Dream: It made me feel… angry. Hurt. Misunderstood (He finally looks at me). Wounded with no way to stop the bleeding.

DT: And did hanging on to that anger and hurt for a long time…

Dream: Ten thousand years.

DT: …and sending her to proverbial Hell…

Dream: Not proverbial.

DT (I’m doing my best to ignore his attempts at throwing me off) …stop the wound from bleeding?

Dream: I guess not.

DT: You guess?

Dream (I notice the eye-roll): Fine. I know it did not.

DT: What did then?

Dream: I do not think it ever will… stop bleeding. I have since freed her, but the guilt remains.

DT: So you feel guilty? About what?

Dream (He sighs, but it sounds angry): Are you truly listening? I feel guilt about sending her to Hell.

DT: I am listening. You made someone’s life hell because they rejected you. It happens.

Dream: But not like this! I… never mind.

DT: I do mind.

Dream: We are talking at cross purposes.

DT: Then explain it to me in a way I can understand. Or tell me if you don’t understand what I’m asking, because that’s on me.

Dream: I am trying, but…

DT (I throw a pencil at him, and he catches it. Good reflexes.) You’re lucky it wasn’t the paperweight you tried to lift the last time.

Dream: Fine. I will explain. (He lowers his voice and looks at the pencil) Lest you continue to impress me with your psychological paperweight-pencil warfare.

DT: Not likely (I will need to get him back on track). Nada. Rejection. Hell.

Dream (He looks at me as if he is gauging something. I have no idea what): When I said I condemned Nada to Hell, I truly meant it. She pursued me. Then she rejected me. Then she did not. For a brief moment (I notice his eyes glazing over, and he seems lost. My instincts tell me he will shake his head like a wet cat in a moment, and he does not disappoint). And after her people died, she killed herself (Shit. I am beginning to think his delusions might have been brought on by trauma, rather than having genetic or biological causes. I scribble “CAPS-5” into my notes)…

DT (I am waiting since I am under the impression he isn’t done. After four minutes, I decide that I was probably wrong. Or maybe not. You sometimes cannot tell with him): I am really sorry for your loss. Do you wish to expand on how losing her made you feel?

Dream: No.

DT (Of course he doesn’t. I also think something isn’t quite adding up): How did you free her? (He just stares at me) You said she died, but you also said you have freed her.

Dream (He stops staring and looks at his hands instead): These things are not mutually exclusive.

DT: Can you elaborate?

Dream (I notice he zones in on the paperweight again): Do you believe in an afterlife?

DT: Does it matter what I believe?

Dream: Yes and no.

DT: Why yes?

Dream: Because your beliefs shape your understanding of the world, and your understanding of the world shapes your beliefs.

DT (Oh, we’re going meta): And why no?

Dream: Because your beliefs are inconsequential to me.

DT: But you are part of this world, aren’t you?

Dream (His eyes look wet. He doesn’t speak.)

DT (Let’s do this, then): No, I don’t believe in an afterlife.

Dream: You just took a risk.

DT: Which is?

Dream: Alienating me.

DT: Did I?

Dream: No. But you might not believe me when I say that I went to Hell to set her free after leaving her there for aeons, or that… (He stops himself.)

DT: I believe that’s what you believe, and I also believe that you both went through hell.

Dream (I notice a weak smile. The extremely weary kind, and it worries me): Isn’t it strange you speak in metaphors while I, for once, do not? (He pauses. For less than a minute). I trust our time is up?

DT (I feared he would say this): Not yet. If you would like to…

Dream: Very well, I shall leave then. (He gets up and takes his books off my desk.)

DT (I have a weird feeling about this and get up from my chair, too): I suggest you schedule a session for tomorrow.

Dream: I do not think that will be necessary.

DT: Then briefly check in tomorrow via phone.

Dream (He narrows his eyes): You are worried about me.

DT: I have protocols in place...

Dream (Strangely, that seems to make him smile): And of course these protocols need to be followed. I understand. About rules.

DT: Then you…

Dream (He interrupts, but he is rather soft spoken): You need not worry about my safety. (The pause feels too long once more) But I thank you. Truly. (The next one seems even longer) I shall see you tomorrow.

DT (I feel relieved but a little nagging voice at the back of my head says I cannot rely on his word alone)

Dream: You can (Is he mind-reading again?) And you should know by now I do not have a tendency to go back on my word.

DT: May I still encourage you to take this? (I hand him my out-of-hours number because I am 100% certain he would not call a crisis hotline.)

Dream (He takes it reluctantly and dips his chin): Is this also… protocol?

DT: In certain cases.

Dream: I will not require to make use of it… If this reassures you.

DT: I’d rather you take it anyway.

Dream (He stares at the card for what seems like ages and doesn’t look at me when he says): Will you… use ink to write down tomorrow’s appointment?

DT: Would you like me to?

Dream (He just nods)…

< Previous Session

[thetwilightroadtonightfall]

[tireddragonguy]

My turn to draw a screenshot of Stan from the Scary-oke episode !!

Having art block big time, doing redraws has been helping so here's one I like :]

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In my blog I would only ship Steve X Herobrine.

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The signatures will also change to avoid reposts without my consent.

Consider it another Rachel update! 👀✨

I hope you have a good day/evening !

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