#time for me to go back into my fog
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aren’t you?
#i know i said 2-3 business days but um. i’m impatient#and i worked hard on this ok. tried some different stuff and i like how it turned out#wt i love you so much but you are a pain in the ass to draw#time for me to go back into my fog#myart#oc: needless separation#oc: weaving tales#uhhh. ehhh. fuck it he’s there for one panel it counts#oc: no way back#oc: fates torn again#mycomics
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Liam’s twitlongers were probably my second fav things after his funny tweets. The one I’ve always held dear to my heart the most is the one he wrote after Zayn left the band. I’ll never forget how he was always the first to step up and comfort us.
I’ve tried reading it all these days but either the link is not longer working or my phone is stupid. If anyone has a post with the full version or something like that, please let me know
#I regret not reblogging much back then so bad#I could have a better archive but instead I have most of it in my memories#which are inevitably going away because the fog after grief is real friends#I’ve seen my brain lose so much in the last 6 years#anyways#I think remembering Liam by his words is one of the most cherished things I’ll have until it’s my time to go#I know he like me struggled with finding the right thing to say or the right moment to say but I never never held it against him#he deserved so much more sympathy from the early days and it breaks my heart that that’s something that only got worse with time#I love you lima bean#Remembering Liam Payne
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hmmmmmaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
#I be like. stays in the fog all day despite doing all I can to pass time in a constructive and/or just fun manner#has a mini breakdown talking abt it#goes back in the fog#gets led out of the fog by a genuine good silly time with my roomies#the second I am conscious of that I have another breakdown and instantly go back to obsessively applying to jobs#gets told not to do that bc it’s past 9pm (which is objectively right and I need to not)#back into the fog#the interview I have tomorrow is for a place 1hr drive away. I’m. not in love with it.#but if I think about it for any longer I’m going to cry#and so I’ll just not think. like I have been.#god. my head hurts. get me the fuck out of here#vent#arty issues
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I feel like this is one of the best birthdays I have had in a while when it comes to Presents. YEARS of not really celebrating my birthday and doing/getting nothing and then. Another set of years where I got amazing presents in LARGE amounts but the tension and fear that coupled with the living arrangements at the time impacted the joy I felt with those things. I have kept and appreciated the things I got still, but in a way you appreciate nice things in general.
This year the amount was much more modest but I felt so??? Loved by each of the things I received and by the people I received them from. It felt so much better having these acknowledgements from people I adore in ways that did not overwhelm. I keep looking at the little presents over and over again feeling like I truly got a little pile of treasures that I just want to smooth my fingers over and marvel at the stories around them.
I’m waxing poetic bc the language my tarot deck book is in is very flowery and it makes my thoughts flowery but I’m trying to say I feel happy and seen. A sweet art piece, neopets gifts, a tarot deck, a book that has been on my list forever, an art project to enjoy with the person who gave it to me, little money donations going towards things I had been waiting to buy for a while. It’s just intimate and loving and kind and makes me, more than ever, want to escape my brain fog so I can contribute to someone else’s treasure trove.
#prince text#I used to be pretty great at gift giving#but I feel like the fog I was in when I was isolated for so many years#and then the healing I have been going through the last two years#has put some distance between me and that kind of thing#I want to go back to that part of me#my tarot reading talked about like generosity and gifts that were more hollow#and I felt that this year#meaning the shit I gave#I kind of want to sit and cry a little lmao#I feel so loved in this bitter world#I know I’ve needed time to surface from the shit that has happened the last several years#but I feel like I am mourning lost time and opportunities to care for my loved ones#I need to get that back this year
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If you became super rich and could design your own house, but could only add THREE unnecessary/random/expensive home additions (like how people will have bowling alleys, movie theatres, closets with museums of shoes, car display rooms, spa rooms, wine cellars, etc. in their mansions) - what three would you choose?
#I think I would have: an indoor pool (but like heavily customized with a faux weather system so I could get the feeling of swimming in#rain or fog or snow etc.). a very small arcade consisting only of skee-ball and DDR machines. and an old Library Room with authentic#historical furniture/interior design to store old books/tapestries/study room equipment/whatever other antiques I'd collect. It'd be#like some fully intricate movie set or something that would feel completely like stepping into another world/time.#Though I might would trade out the arcade for a roller skating rink.. i DO love skating....#And I wouldve put rock climbing gym because I love indoor rock climbing but.. as I understand it they have to change out the rock things#on the walls every once in a while so that you can have new routes and it doesnt get boring. and I'd rather have an activty room thats like#self sustaining and doesnt require me to hire some person to come switch things around once every month. Otherwise I would#totally do that instead.#I'm also personally not counting ''craft'' type stuff like having a pottery room kiln sort of thing because#that doesn't count as 'unnessecary' to me. since stuff like that would not at all be just a hobby I 'happen to#do sometimes for fun'#but would definitely be a career sort of thing. Like if I had the money for a fully stocked sculpture room and and a sewing room#with a good machine and etc. then I would literally be professionally selling pottery and designing clothing and etc.#so I wouldn't count it as 'just a random side room I dont need' etc.#The same way that if I played tennis professionally or as a very intense hobby that takes up most of my life/time#then I wouldn't count having a tennis court in your house to practice in as 'unncesscarry' etc.#wow that is the worst I have ever spelt that word ghbjh#Un Cess Carry#ALSO would obviously have an underground bunker of some sort with food and emergency supplies which also does not count as unnecessary to m#since it's literally like... survival.. And I thought most health organizations literally reccomend that even#the common person has a small 'go bag' prepared in their house. and like an evacuation plan in case of fire or other things#It WOULD be an unnecessary rich person thing to have a full on undergRound village or something stocked with 9000 guns and#whaetever. but I think just a basic emergency room with basic supplies could still be counted under the 'not unnecessary' requirement.#Like I would say that a sprawling courtyard of flower gardens and fountains and hedge mazes that takes up like a hundred thousand#dollars a year in maintenance would count as one of the three 'unnecessary and expensive' things. But having a small garden in the#back yard with a few planters in a little greenhouse or whatever would not. The 'excessiveness' of the thing matters lol#ANYWAY!!!#Just curious what other peoples Three Main things would be... hrrmm
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todaY i am going to start applying for jobs. my goal is to apply to three (3) jobs before i go back to work next week. i can do this
#psyching myself up because i am so eepy#still having this level of fatigue at two weeks post op is apparently pretty common. esp for chronically inflamed folks like me soooo#knowing that helps. but still. brain fog#i have to sit and stare at a wall a bit right now to recover from hanging up my laundry before i can muster the strength to go make bfast#it's been helping to remind myself that i only have to work 3 days next week#because of new years i'm not back full time until the week after. which is two weeks from now#and with people out for the holiday it'll spread out the gushing excitement about me being back. which will hopefully make it bearable#not looking forward to the inevitable mess i'll have to clean up but. new year new metrics#and maybe some of those interviews went well and i'll have help soon#AND maybe i'll have a new job myself soon#and hopefully with a company that at least. sort of knows what it's doing#gods i'm so sick of my job ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ#personal#ok time to go make some food. hopefully that will give me some energy#if i can get one (1) application out today then i will be happy#and for the sake of keeping the bar very low and reachable that 1 DOES count the listing i applied for in summer#and evebtually got a screening interview request for. that i turned down. because it still seemed like the promotion i got in summer#was actually going to go somewhere#so i'm just gonna update my resume and refresh that cover letter then resubmit#it's a start ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ
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1000 Followers Update!
Due to some super fun chronic health shenanigans, the posting for the 1000 Followers Celebration is being postponed a month! Posting will start on 2/2 with to all the ghost still standing in this room, and continue as previously planned from there. Thank you guys for bearing with me-- I struggled with the idea of even postponing for a week, but it became very clear on Monday that I would not be able to catch up with the schedule unless I took an extended break to recover. Can't wait to show you guys what I've got up my sleeve!
#1000 followers#i don't talk much about my illness struggles on here because without a word count limit#i would absolutely write myself into a terrible spiral talking about some of the very recent setbacks#but I do weekly goals up on twitter and I often talk about what's going on there#so it's only fair that i explain a bit in some tag chatter where i have to stay on task#to start: i'm fine and I'm going to be quick to recover now that i've gotten my meds#but due to all sorts of insurance bullshittery that has occurred since september/october#my last three infusions have been over a week late. two of them have been nearly two weeks or over#and coupled with a particularly nasty stomach bug + christmas stress#i ended up with extremely bad exhaustion and brain fog#and on monday finally flared#thankfully i was able to move my infusion up a day so I only had to wait until wednesday#and me and my husband had planned that I would be out of commission for the 10 days my meds were overdue#so I just had to triage my commitments and lay low until they could get me what i needed#it's been two days and i'm doing much much better. back to a place where I can actually write#probably at a better place than i have been since the beginning of December since today I nearly blew through 1K without even trying#but it's been 2-3 weeks of barely being able to scratch out what i consider my minimum#and then a week and change of not being able to even READ without it overwhelming me#so i finally had to face the music of: not only can I NOT do this on time but I need fully shift it#so that I can work without stressing myself or my limits#i am a rat gnawing at the bars of my little rat cage over it but it is what it is#tldr; i'm here i'm fine i just have to accept my human limitations and i don't like it
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my brain has been really out of whack recently (I think it's the time change among other things) so I'm going to try out some things to see if they help
I might not be on social media a whole lot in the next week or two, but if you're mutuals and want my discord, send me a message
#[static]#I cleared out my queue so I don't feel like I need to keep it going#I'm trying to limit my time on my phone since I've noticed that I've been getting sucked back into it for Hours every day which I *hate*#it's this weird paradox of wanting to keep up with my friends but also knowing that I get sucked into checking the rest of the app -#- that I need to figure out#tumblr is one of the few social medias that I don't get that sucked into but i do like to keep up to date with#for news and friends reasons#but im gonna basically not be using my phone at all except for music for the next while until my brain feels better#it's also the busiest week of the year in my line of work so i want to be sure im taking care of myself#my brain fog has been suuuper bad and being on my phone makes it worse#i wish we all lived closer so that i could just go hang out with ppl instead of being attached to my dumb phone#using phone = less time to do things i like too which also makes me mad when I do it#i dont even like my phone bro ... but tiktok gets me tbh i'll sit on my phone for like 2 hours straight just watching funny little videos
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Woke up to a musical alarm, the one I usually have, but turns out I hallucinated it because my phones were off
#alarm#what#music#i dream in music sometimes#i think i did it b ive been trying to wake up at 7ish#my subconscious saying “wake up!#i used to be able to wake up at a certain time if i told myself to#now i take sleeping pills.#i think they make me gain weight i have to get off thm#but.#if i cant sleep I'll go back to awfulness like real brain fog like a zombie#maybe i could get off them now#addicted#if i try to stop i do get withdrawal#its not pretty#at least im down to 1/2#which still makes me so tired in the morning its painful to start to get up#im not awake for several hours at least#sensitive#..
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The irony of trying to start a "pain journal" but being too fatigued and having too much brain fog from said pain to start one
#is that irony? idk. i can't think.#i try so hard not to get crabby when i'm in pain like i genuinely try so so hard to be kind and patient#posting this on fb not to make my parents feel bad but also maybe to show them how bad this is#far as i know i don't have scoliosis like my dad. i was checked growing up. but there has to be some kind of curve#and at this point i will not tolerate anyone telling me it's just posture because it canNOT be just posture now.#i wake up in pain now. at the moment it's so bad i was just crying and waddling and pacing#it's my spine right in my mid-back. like where my bottom ribs connect to my spine#trying to stretch. took some naproxen 3 hours ago and it genuinely did nothing. put some tiger balm on#does tiger balm make anyone else drowsy??? or is that just brain fog from the pain?#fatigue and brain fog are things i literally just realized. like this whole time i thought i was just a lazy person#needing to lie down for most of the day unable to concentrate on even fucking reading.#but no it turns out when you're in pain every day all day for at least 11 years it makes you foggy and exhausted.#the more you know#literally drag me by the hair to a doctor because i cannot do it. i cannot be told to just Do yOgA and go on birth control or w/e#if you're afab it's always gotta be your period huh. that's a physician's only answer.
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the aftermath of having 2 terabytes of storage
#i have never had a computer this nice lmao#i'm constantly so used to automatically assuming i Can't Do Most Things bc most of the time i'm barred from Everything#either by physical skill or money or age or location#so when i got a Nice Computer my brain was like STUFF I CAN DO?????????? STUFF I CAN DO!!!!!!!!!!!!#and just. downloaded all the games i haven't been able to play bc my laptop sucks ass#the dopamine rush. lmao#i can actually play skyrim again for the first time since i was 17 😭#genuinely getting this computer has given me the exact same feeling as finally getting my wheelchair#just the fucking sheer joy of *oh my fucking god i have freedom now. i can actually DO STUFF*#seriously being able to use the wheelchair has made me so fucking happy i don't feel awful when going to the store i can actually THINK#bc i dont have brain fog from having to focus all of my energy on staying upright#and the computer is giving me the same feeling of freedom like. i can actually DO STUFF with my computer and not worry about it crashing#i can record video now!!!! I COULD START STREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i can actually learn to code because the coding programs will run!!!!!! i can start making datapacks!!!!!!!!!!!!!#can PLAY THE GAMES I'VE BOUGHT OVER THE YEARS FINALLY#FUCKING THANK YOU STEAM FOR LETTING ME KEEP THESE GAMES UNTIL I CAN ACTUALLY PLAY THEM#INSTEAD OF BEING A SHITASS STREAMING SERVICE THAT TAKES AWAY YOUR PRODUCT *AND* MONEY WHENEVER THEY FEEL LIKE IT#like i bought assassins creed odyssey the year it came out and i've never even been able to OPEN it on any of my old computers#i bought Jusant recently because it looks very pretty but the game wouldn't let me download it on my laptop bc the graphics card was shit#i have a bunch of games that I've just hoarded on my steam account for years and now i can finally play them#i can get back to subnautica too!!!! and finally finish out we happy few!!!#anyway im gonna go continue to be insane about this machine i love computers theyre so fun
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Fuck the post-binge spiral is hitting so hard rn. I am drowning lmao
#and by binge I mean tv binge#I don’t drink so don’t worry about that#I’m just done with Peaky Blinders and it was so good that I no longer know what to do with myself#like genuinely#im walking through a thick fog#sometimes I feel like the only time im ever really happy is when I disappear into a story#me#who I am and the problems that I face#none of that matters when im consuming media#like the only problems that matter are the ones that the characters are facing#because I would rather face earth shattering dilemmas#than go back to work in my stupid fucking customer service job#and go to my stupid fucking college#I feel like a wild animal trapped in a cage#I am restless and angry and sad and empty#and I just want#more#of what? I don’t know#anyway#random
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back from good ol’ WY. here’s some pictures from my travels :)
#it was!!! so wonderful!!!!#like. it rained? but it was nice to experience rainy weather up there#i’ve only been in WY when it’s sunny… it was really cool seeing it shrouded in clouds and fog#and it made it so cool outside to ahh it was so nice. such a great change of pace#at least from the constant triple digits in cali 😮💨#i camped at wolf creek- ^pictured above. right off of snake river#it was great. had dutch oven chicken and rice the first night and s’mores on both nights#and in the morning… i’d wake up and grab the binoculars and run outside#so i could watch the bald eagles across the river. i’d wake up and hear them calling#and this morning!!! i saw two of them chasing each other#they’d fly way up high and back down in seconds i had to watch them without the binoculars#i couldn’t keep up otherwise#it was so lovely… i had such a great time. i can’t wait to go back#especially because next summer!! i’m gonna bring my little brother with me#& we’re gonna go to YELLOWSTONE!!!!!!!#i’ve been but he hasn’t. i can’t wait to show it to him#also!!! that dandelion above^. was LEGIT the biggest dandelion i’d ever seen.#liam and i wished on it together. top 10 yaoi momence#& SPEAKING OF BIG…….#i saw just the most MASSIVE slugs last night. they were longer than my hand!!!!!!!!!#they came out when it rained… two of them moving along one in front of the other#they had black spots… i wish i got pictures but liam was taking a video of them and#i was using the flashlight on my phone so he could have good lighting (it was very dark…)#maybe i’ll get him to send me the video ^_^!!!
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I'm slightly less depressed. Signs: I chose a different color scrunchie today than the one I've been reusing for 3 weeks. I did errands I've been putting off. had enough appetite to eat all my food today without issue. read from a book. worked on figuring out how to get art prints made. still in bed at 7:30pm but it's progress.
#thank you huperzine A#it broke through the fog finally#about 30 min after i took it i had to go cry silently in another room and then pretend i didnt just cry becuase i was so overwhelmed#with relief that it was in fact my dumb brain chemistry and not something inherently wrong with me#again#like a giant pressure lifted off my brain and i could breathe and talk to people again and not feel completely overwhelmed and like i cant#speak or function#took some time off nootropics bc i do adjust to their effects but boy oh boy i get some cognitive and social impairment when i am depressed#it is not fun#cant wait to see what i do tomorrow#and maybe now that my brain is back on line i can think clearly and make some decisions
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okay SO I don’t remember what meds I was given (and only 2 doses of it </3) and it hasn’t helped in the ways I’d hoped but god I’m experiencing some reeeeal clarity today and I think some healing to follow
#I feel less stagnant mentally also brain fog cleared#it’s somewhat easier to activate myself to go and do things but I am still putting off the things I need to do#still it’s progress!!!!! I’m trying to be patient w myself#my sense of time is a lot better tooo????#like generally my sense of it passing is usually okay#but my perception of how it will pass and how much time I actually have to do things is all fucky#like how am I supposed to do anything if I have 5 hours in which to do it?#cos 5 hours to me is in some ways equivalent to 15 mins#but I was told these meds will last 12 hrs so it will wear off 11 pm#it’s 7pm now#and I’m a bit like hm well I have time to do things ! I can eat and do laundry! I can out the Xmas tree away too!! and relax !#plenty of time to do all these things even for my slowest of days!#yes it is true my Xmas trees is still up 😭 I’m telling u it’s been Severe executive dysfunction here#but so far I went into work to get my keys and hang out a minute#I went on a walk on the way back cos I got a bit restless which tbh nice change from Severe fatigue#and I sat and read and hour or so and the reading was a lot easier than usual!!!#like I didn’t have to continuously reread the same bits and almost cry and I can actually recall what happened#so successful day so far
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bout to yeet myself under a semi (jk)
#actually having the worst time tho#my allergies are so bad#everything hurts. my vision is blurry. cant breathe. intense vertigo. brain fog.#its been so much worse since i went to the dentist but that could be a coincidence.#but I'm just so over it and drugs don't work.#my doctor tried to tell me my symptoms are stress and maybe a fraction are but this isnt.#i have to do some blood tests and go back to the doctor next week.#problem is the only stronger drugs I could take would also make me mega drowsy. which isnt good for functioning
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