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spaceskam · 4 years ago

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don’t let me die while i’m like this

a dust & ashes inspired fic that turned into simply a Pierre Bezukhov inspired fic for @matchtheminrenown that has been such a long time coming you have probably forgotten so surprise. However, if you read the warning list and want something lighter, I can absolutely do that for you lol

ao3

Warning: depression, alcohol, suicidal ideation/intrusive thoughts, car accident, I don’t know if this counts as dissociation but it’s similar, there’s a happy ending I promise

Alex was happy. Wasn't he?

His eyes drifted from the blank ceiling over to the man in bed beside him. Forrest looked peaceful, his face smushed into the pillow. Michael slept on his back, but Forrest slept on his stomach. The first few times they shared a bed, Alex would regularly make sure he was still breathing and hadn't suffocated himself on the pillow. He was always fine.

For a moment, Alex thought about rolling over and waking him up slow. He thought about starting his day with languid kisses and getting some of his morning energy through drinking in Forrest rather than coffee. But Forrest slept on his stomach and somehow waking him up while he was face down seemed too hard.

Instead, Alex grabbed his crutches and hauled himself out of bed. His mind was a little blurry and he seemed to move on autopilot rather than actual desire to start his day. He braced himself against the door of the fridge as he leaned down to get his cold brew pitcher and then reached up to grab a cup. By the time he poured half a cup, he decided a little kahlúa wouldn't hurt.

He's stirring in milk when Forrest appears, lines from the pillow case imprinted on his face. Alex remembered thinking that was cute before, but it didn't stir that same feeling in him. This must be the mundanity of having a steady relationship. He just figured it took longer than three months for that to kick in.

"Morning," Forrest said, yawning and walking past him to make his own coffee. He eyed the bottle of kahlúa, but he didn't say anything about. Or, not directly. "Are you working today?"

"Yeah," Alex said, tightening the lid on his cup and feeding the metal straw through the little hole.

"You need help?" he asked.

"No," Alex said simply.

He slid the cup to the opposite side of the counter and used his crutches to walk there. Then he grabbed the cup and leaned as far as he could to put the cup on the window sill before walking to the window. Then he leaned and moved the cup to the slightly oddly placed table in between the kitchen and living room, then to the back of the couch, then he was all good. It was a system he'd perfected.

Alex sunk into the couch and stared at the TV. He wondered if Donna Reed was on this early but couldn’t convince himself to check. Instead, he sipped on his coffee slowly, allowing himself to zone out whole waiting for his second alarm to go off. He zoned out most days lately. Alex decided it wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe he was struggling to be interested in anything and maybe he was on autopilot most days, but that was better than being sad. He'd choose that over sadness any day.

“Are you okay, Alex?” Forrest asked. Alex blinked a few times and saw Forrest settled into the other side of the couch. He didn’t remember him sitting there.

“Yeah,” Alex said and he meant it. He was fine. Forrest nodded slowly and settled into the couch.

Alex stared at him. He was attractive, objectively, and somewhere inside Alex found him to still be someone he liked to kiss sometimes, but waking up to him in the morning started feeling less and less like something that brought him joy. But he’d rather have someone over no one any day.

“Maybe we can have sort of a date night tonight? I’ll make dinner, we can watch a movie, eat ice cream,” Forrest suggested. Alex sipped his coffee.

“Okay.”

His second alarm went off to tell him to get ready for work just as he finished drinking his coffee. Forrest offered to clean his cup for him as he was getting up and Alex said his thanks before heading back to the bedroom. Again, he fell into autopilot as he got ready for the day. Prosthetic, brush teeth, fatigues, fix hair, stretch. He was pretty sure he’d missed a step, already not really remembering participating in it, but his toothbrush was damp and his hair was fine.

“Alex,” Forrest said cautiously as he headed towards the door, “Don’t forget your jacket.”

Sure enough, when he looked down, he’d forgotten his uniform jacket. He went back to get it.

Driving was more difficult than he remembered. His mind kept wandering to nowhere, his eyes getting distracted or unfocusing and he’d have to make sure he wasn’t speeding or going to slow or swerving into other people’s lanes. He shook his head, trying to shake away the cloudy feeling and doing his best to just focus. It wasn’t fucking working.

Alex thought about pulling over and getting more coffee to see if that would help. He thought about calling in sick so he could just stop fucking driving. He didn’t really want to deal with anyone today and this was just the icing on the cake. Could his brain get any more fucking annoying than when it didn’t want to listen?

As he approached a clogged four-way intersection and, just for a moment, not for the first time, wondered what would happen if he didn’t stop. What if he just let go of the wheel. What if he just closed his eyes. But he didn’t. He shook the thoughts along with the fog out of his mind.

His phone rang as he sat at the red light and he looked down, seeing an incoming call from Michael Guerin. Which, in itself was weird. He didn’t call. Michael Guerin kept his space from Alex, always carrying that invisible 10-foot pole to make sure he didn’t get too close. Alex had cried once about it, but he hadn’t cried in a over a week now about anything. Progress.

“Hello?” he asked.

“Alex,” Michael breathed. Alex remembered a time that used to make his whole body revive itself. “What are you doing today?”

“Work.”

“Well, what time do you get off? I need your help with something,” he said. Alex stared forward, his heart beating at a stagnant and anxiety-ridden tempo. Weeks Michael hadn’t talked to him. Weeks Michael had avoided him whenever Alex had been forced to play nice during all the bullshit he put out there. Weeks of it until Michael needed help.

And somehow Alex couldn’t even be angry.

“I’m tired,” Alex said, letting off the break as the light turned green. Michael was quiet for a second.

“Well, like, later, I mean,” Michael said awkwardly.

Alex furrowed his eyebrows as he watched a car on another side of the intersection coming in at full speed. He ignored them, expecting them to stop like most people did,

“Yeah, I--”

They didn’t.

Alex woke up with the worst headache imaginable.

“Hey,” Kyle said, looming over him with a warm smile. Alex squinted at him and closed his eyes again, trying to subdue the pain. “Are you in pain?”

“My head,” Alex groaned.

“Okay, give me one second, I’ll tell them to get you something. I would do it myself, but, you know, conflict of interest and--”

“Kyle.”

“Sorry,” he said, pausing for a moment, “I was worried about you.”

Alex sighed, opening his eyes again. Kyle had turned off the lights and closed the curtains so it was a little bit better. He sat up, his body a little sore and his head still aching, but overall he was fine.

“I’m fine,” Alex said. Kyle scoffed, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Yeah, I know,” he said, “Your car was totalled, Alex. That car smashed into your passenger side and pushed the driver’s side to smash into the car beside you. You were literally trapped in a giant metal sandwich and somehow the worst thing that happened was you hit your head. It knocked you out in time to make your body completely relax and I’m pretty sure that’s what saved you from worse damage and they’re keeping you on watch just in case you have a brain bleed we didn’t see in the first scan, but that was some miracle shit, Alex.”

Alex’s eyes widened and he looked down at himself. He didn’t even see a scratch. What the hell?

“You scared the shit out of all of us,” Kyle said, reaching out to gently rub his thumb over what was probably a massive bump on the side of his forehead. Alex swallowed hard as guilt filled his system. Yeah, this wasn’t his fault, but it very well could’ve been. “Guerin called us freaking out.”

“Is he here?” Alex asked. Kyle nodded.

“Everyone is, but I told them to give you some space first because I figured you wouldn’t react well to a room full of people.”

“Yeah,” Alex breathed, licking his lips. Kyle still had that grim little look on his face, still touching the bump on his head.

“When he called saying something happened to you, my mind jumped to... just not good places,” he admitted, meeting Alex’s eyes, “Are you okay, Alex? Something has been going on with you and I guess I didn’t realize just how many warning signs you’ve been giving off until I heard you were hurt and I immediately assumed you did it to yourself. I’ve been a shitty friend and I’m gonna be there for you more.”

“You’re not a shitty friend,” Alex said. Kyle rolled his eyes, his hand dropping down a little to rest on the side of Alex’s neck.

“I noticed there was something wrong and I didn’t talk to you. I’m talking to you now and I’m not going back. So, tell me, are you okay? Is this a good excuse to look into adjusting medication or something? Tell me what’s going on or what you need and let me help because I never want to feel like I did when I got that call, okay?” Kyle said. Alex nodded easily and moved in for a hug.

Kyle clung onto him as tight as his body would allow and Alex reveled in it. It seemed to be the first time in awhile he actually felt something. It made Alex realize that maybe numb wasn’t better than sadness after all.

How long had he spent just allowing things to happen? When did he go from bad to worse? He couldn’t remember. Well, fuck that. He’d survived something that should’ve killed him. This was his second chance. Or, third chance. Fourth chance? It didn’t matter. He’d gotten out unscathed and he was thankful. He didn’t want to die when he couldn’t feel anything and didn’t have the things he wanted. He wanted to feel something, everything. He was ready to force himself out of his rut.

Alex squeezed Kyle and pulled back a little, resting the non-bumped side of his head against Kyle’s. Despite the tears in the doctor’s eyes, he smiled right back at him.

“I’ve been a little numb lately,” Alex admitted, “But I’m done with that. Done wasting my life being numb. I’m going to do good things. Marie Kondo my way through life. Does it bring me joy? No, so we change it. Starting with Forrest.”

“Whoa, what?” Kyle asked, pulling back, “You’re gonna dump Forrest?”

“Yeah,” Alex breathed. Saying it out loud made him feel even better. He was putting in effort, moving forward. It felt good. “I almost died and, if I had, I would’ve been in a relationship with someone who doesn’t really inspire me to feel something. He’s a great guy, I just need something...”

“More like Guerin?” Kyle guessed. Alex rolled his eyes.

“Fuck Guerin. If he wants me, he can fight for me,” Alex decided, “But yes.”

Kyle laughed and let his hands fall off of Alex.

“Well, whatever you want to do, I’m here for you,” Kyle said, “And if you’re ever feeling numb like that, just tell me. I know you probably think no one cares, but we do. I do. I’m here to listen. I love you, man, and I want you around as long as possible.”

“I love you too,” Alex said.

It was the first time in a long time he’d said those words to anyone, romantic or platonic. He quite liked that it was Kyle who got to hear them. It made him smile. It made him feel good. He was never going back to feeling numb. He was going to do whatever he could to keep this feeling in tact.

“Now when can I leave?”

Alex was happy. Wasn’t he?

His eyes drifted from the blank ceiling over to the empty space in bed beside him. It’d been a week since he broke up with Forrest. He’d taken it well enough, he said that he’d seen in coming and would like to be friends, but he needed a little space and Alex agreed happily.

And he’d been happy. He didn’t have a concussion, he bought a new car, he went to work ready for the day, he went for drinks with Kyle, he went through files with Michael again (after an apology, of course). He was doing better, so much better he didn’t even need to take his meds anymore. Or, he thought so.

Today he was back to feeling rough. He’d been doing his damnedest to get out of bed and he was struggling. He knew a bad day would come eventually, but so soon? Did he have to plummet so soon? He was trying so hard.

Tears sprung to his eyes and he took a deep breath, willing them away. No. He refused. He was going to be happy. He was moving forward.

He forced himself to get out of bed and it helped when he didn’t think about it. And he moved to the kitchen to make his coffee, shutting his brain down as he allowed himself to swing back into autopilot. It was easier that way.

His phone rang as he sat on the couch and he sighed, answering it without looking.

“Hey,” Michael said on the other end. For a little while after his wreck, Michael’s voice had brought him so much happiness. They would look over files, tease each other, laugh. Two days ago, they play fought and ended up a giggling mess like they were teenagers. Two days ago. How had he ricocheted so quickly? Because today the sweet sound of his voice drained Alex of his energy.

“What?” Alex asked, swirling his coffee. He couldn’t finish it. It was half empty and he couldn’t finish it.

“You wanna come have breakfast? I can make omelets and some coffee, we can watch a little Donna Reed,” Michael offered, that tone in his voice that was usually a little tempting. Alex wanted to want to go, but he was tired and had more important things to handle.

“I have work,” Alex said.

“Tomorrow then?” Michael suggested, still not dissuaded.

“I’m tired.”

Michael was silent for a few seconds, drawing it out as long as possible. It started to make Alex feel a little sick. He wanted to apologize and say he would come in the morning even though he didn’t want to. Before he could, though, Michael started talking again.

“Okay,” Michael agreed, “Okay, yeah, that’s fine. Get some rest and I’ll see you soon.”

“Okay.”

Alex held his phone to his ear long after Michael hung up.

Kyle was standing by Alex’s new car when he got off of work.

“What are you doing here?” Alex asked. He was too tired to deal with this right now. He just wanted to go home and crawl into bed and stay there for a few years.

Kyle held up Alex’s weekly pill box. He stared blankly at it, not really understanding how or why he had them. Kyle shook his head and held them out alongside a bottle of water.

“Michael called me, said something was up. You can imagine my surprise when I saw you picked around your antidepressants the last week,” he said. Alex stared at him and reluctantly accepted the offering. “You can’t just go off them, Alex.”

“I was doing fine,” Alex said, reluctantly fishing the pill out of the little compartment.

“Yeah, because you were taking them and because you were riding that high,” Kyle said. Alex shrugged, staring at the pill in his palm. Was it normal to stare at it and feel like failing? Tears burned in his eyes and he blinked them away. Kyle’s boots crunched against the ground as he stepped into Alex’s space. “It’s normal to have good days and bad days, okay? Don’t beat yourself up.”

“I thought I was better,” Alex said, shaking his head as a new wave of tears hit him, “I mean I’ve been doing my best to make myself happy, but nothing’s working. I don’t understand why I’m like this.”

“Alex,” Kyle said, his hand gently gripping Alex’s chin and making him look at him, “This shit isn’t a linear process. You are doing better. The way you’re feeling right now? Yeah, sure, it’s worse than you were a couple days ago, but is it worse than you were three weeks ago?”

“I don’t even remember three weeks ago.”

“That proves my point,” Kyle insisted, “Just take the pill and let’s go home, okay?”

Reluctantly, Alex did what he said and let Kyle pull him into a hug. It wasn’t as uplifting as the last hug Kyle gave him felt, but it was as strong and stable as always. Alex loved him for it.

They made an appointment to see a therapist on the way home.

Alex was content.

His eyes drifted from the blank ceiling over to the man in bed beside him. Kyle slept on his side with his mouth open and his arms and legs splayed out like a starfish. He took up most of the bed and Alex had woken up more than once because Kyle had unintentionally pushed him to the edge. Alex would kick him until he either moved or woke up with a whiny ‘why are you kicking me?’. It’d be funny if it wasn’t annoying.

This wasn’t a permanent arrangement, but it was one that, all sleeping habits aside, Alex appreciated. It took him a little while to accept that maybe having someone around him to be a rock before he could be his own was important. Alex had spent so much time thinking he needed to be self-sufficient that he hadn’t realized how important a good support system was. And Kyle was one hell of a support system.

On days when Alex felt good, he was there to remind him he still needed to take his medication and still needed to go to therapy because that’s how you stayed feeling good. Whenever he was feeling bad, Kyle would manage to find that perfect balance between babying him through it and getting him to cope on his own. It kept him from shutting down while still allowing him to process it. On days that were in the middle, Kyle was still just there and his friend. He liked it.

There was also just a lot of understanding that being content most days in life wasn’t a failure, it was the goal. No one could be happy every day. Content was okay. It was better than being numb. Anything was better than being numb.

Alex didn’t get out of bed until there was knocking at the door. He didn’t groan or have to battle with himself if he should just ignore it, he simply got up and went to the door. He didn’t have to think about it. Progress.

When he opened it, Michael Guerin was standing there with grocery bags.

“What are you doing here?” Alex asked. He hid the fact that he was happy to see him. They weren’t together, but they were working on navigating what that could one day be like. Communication and dedicating time to each other were two of their most important things right now.

“I’m making you breakfast. Well, us and Kyle breakfast. Omelets and coffee,” Michael said, pushing his way through, “And guess what I brought?”

“What?” Alex asked, following him into the kitchen. Michael dug through one of the grocery bags before holding up a CD.

“Season 1 of The Donna Reed Show was in the discount bin for $3. Now you have your own copy,” Michael said, flashing a smile. Alex smiled right back, sitting down at the counter.

“Thank you,” he said.

“No problem,” Michael said, turning back to find a pan to start cooking with.

It wasn’t long before Kyle got up as well and Michael poured him a cup of coffee. It was nice having them both here. No animosity, no jealousy, they were just there for no reason. No reason other than that they wanted to. Because they liked being around him and they loved him. This was contentment. This was the goal. Michael at the stove and complaining at Kyle for putting too much shit into his coffee. It felt like home.

And, although he wasn’t in the best of moods, Alex smiled.

#alex manes fic #kylex brotp #malex fic #alex manes #michael guerin #kyle valenti #rnm fic #my fic #no hate to forrest #full hate to myself because i'm gonna be late for work becuase i wanted to finish this lol

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orcinus-ocean · 5 years ago

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I am watching hours worth of ex-vegan “interviews” or testimonials, so you don’t have to.

I link to each one so you can see them for yourself, but I wrote down the important points of each one, since I believe this is not just important, but vital information. This could save people’s lives, if they just stop and think and look at another perspective before they go into it.

These are real people. They really wanted it. They really knew what they were doing. They weren’t “doing it wrong”. These are their experiences.

Ex-Vegan (8 Years): Veganism Is a Teeth Rotting, Muscle Atrophying, Degenerating, Fart Fest

A young man with a lot of health issues including severe eczema, got into veganism to get healthy

He had previously been living the typical “college” lifestyle with lots of fast food, no health-thinking at all

For the first year or two, he felt amazing, he did fine for four years, had a successful YouTube channel talking about skin health and the vegan diet

Emphasizing how “literally obsessed” he was with his dental hygiene and health, four years into veganism, his teeth were deteriorating and every time he visited the dentist, he had to have a root canal, he had cavities, infections, receding gums, always something

He was always bloated with a visibly bloated belly

Despite being a very health-focused athlete, his muscles wouldn’t grow the way they should

His skin started going “grey” and his hair lost its rich color

His memory and ability to focus deteriorated

He completely lost interest in food - everything “disgusting”

Feeling a craving for protein, he upped the high-protein vegan foods, and he only felt worse and worse

After realizing this diet was making him sick, he took one bite of salmon and “it was like taking drugs” - clear, physical reaction to it, and compared to the plants giving bloating and gas, “it felt like I was eating nothing, but I had so much energy”

After going back to eating animal protein (as much wild fish/meat as possible), his weight corrected itself, strength in the gym went “off the charts”

The pain and irritation he had on the vegan diet went away

His gums went from white pink to red, “right away”

Digestion issues - gone, hormonal issues - gone

“Since I’ve been eating animals, I feel more humble and more gentle towards animals, I feel more respect towards them, and I feel like I understand the cycles of life and appreciate life even more”

He says the vegan diet can help people to “clean out the body” as it did for him, but veganism, he doesn’t understand. “If your mom was on her death bed, and she had the choice: Die a horrible, painful death, or eat salmon, you would want your mom to die a horrible death rather than eat salmon. I’m asking this to vegans, and a lot of them are like ‘Under no circumstance would I ever have my mom or anyone I know, eat salmon, because it’s killing an animal, it’s abuse’. And I’m like aren’t humans animals?”

“I view the vegan diet as a disease-reversal protocol, not as a ‘forever diet’.”

Ex-Vegan Family: (6+ Years): "Healthy" Vegan & Vegetarian Dogma Depleted Health and Vitality

Casey vegetarian/vegan for ~15 years

Did it to try to clear up his eczema and staph infections (which were so bad the doctors wanted to amputate his legs), didn't really work

He did feel great for the first few months as a raw vegan, but looking back, he believes it was more due to cutting out grains and processed foods, since he found grains are terrible for him

Lost a lot of weight, rotting teeth, reoccuring cavities

Gina became vegan at the age of 13, being a picky eater and caring about animals

The "readymade" vegan food wasn't doing well for her, so she started eating only raw vegan food

She felt really good - for about six months. After six months, a very severe depression, accompanied by brain fog, lack of mental focus, constant hunger, weight loss and joint pain, kicked in

She believed so hard that this had to be right, that she stayed a vegan for 6 years, before introducing dairy

At the age of 17, after four years on veganism, developed a cancerous tumor on her leg (not necessarily connected, but worth noting)

Five years into veganism she was pregnant, and began craving red meat - they started buying local dairy, meat, liver and eggs

After the baby, she went back to raw veganism, and the joint pain came back, "it's detox"

She instead went back to being vegetarian rather than raw vegan, but she still suffered from worsening joint pain, fatigue, brain fog

A couple of years later, she was pregnant again and she was craving red meat so much she even dreamt about it

Her conclusion was "I must be doing it wrong, I must just eat more of the high-protein vegan food"

For her third pregnancy, she stayed vegan, and the birth was the hardest one she had

The baby had the lowest birth weight of the three, still normal weight, but later, he wasn't gaining weight normally

The child couldn't sit up at six months, couldn't walk at a year old, was depressed, only learned to walk after they gave him meat, and he finally became happy

Then on her fourth pregnancy, she was not vegan for the first half, but went back to raw vegan on the latter half of the pregnancy, and this child was healthy

On raw veganism at the end of the fourth pregnancy, her teeth were "falling apart", her bones were aching, and she was so foggy she couldn't think or remember anything

At the end of her pregnancy, she hadn't gained any weight, just stayed the same

Her teeth were full of cavities, despite having been to the dentist and "fixed everything" just some months prior

They could never manage raw fruit more than six months at a time, constant hunger

They believed the constant hunger could be due to parasites, so they ate anti-parasitic herbs which only made things worse

When she stopped eating vegetables (only fruit?), she got skin rashes as well

When they went back to meat, they felt full for the whole day, while on raw veganism, they had to eat all the time and were still always hungry

At the time of filming, they were completely off veganism for four months and she feels like her brain has "grown", she has energy, can exercise again, is gaining muscle

Ex-Vegan (4 Years): How Veganism Shortened My Lifespan

Started veganism as a New Year’s resolution to turn his life around, after living “like a degenerate”

He started with a month-long juice fast, where he felt great

On the first year as a “whole foods vegan” (mainly raw), he suffered from loss of libido, insomnia, migraines, arthritis, couldn’t build muscle

After a year, he went back to a diet of white rice, lean meat, bone marrow and occasional red meat

This diet immediately got his libido and muscle growth back

After some time, peer pressure made him drop the meat, but he still ate eggs

The vegans around him told him “if you continue to eat meat and dairy, you will not be able to ascend and channel divine guidance”

One of them was a nutritionist, and when he told her veganism destroyed his health, she said that he needs to be on 80/10/10, a fruit-based diet

He stayed on it for five months, and it was “the worst 4-5 months of my life”

He went on another vegan diet, based on sprouts, sea vegetables and algae, and a bunch of supplements

Same problems - lack of libido, insomnia, lack of muscle, migraines, cracking joints

A friend who saw him for the first time in years said “you look like one of those kids in the refugee camps”, because his face was so sunken-in

His friend eventually convinced him to go with him to a steakhouse, and he describes the first bite he took as “the fat going straight into my brain” and he felt “like a dying wolf”

He gorged on 2-3 pounds of fatty meat, slept for twelve hours, and his friends told him he immediatly looked like a completely different person

His cracking joints, dry skin and insomnia went away

Still, he went back to veganism, and all the problems came back

He went back and forth between raw veganism and primal diet every 2-4 weeks, rebuilding on an animal-based diet, deteriorating on a plant-based diet, always thinking “this time I will make it work”

He had to give up aiming for optimum health as a vegan, instead aiming for just “normal stability”

Staying at an old vegan institute managed by one of the creators of his sprouts-algae-supplements diet, doing a colonic, the worker there admitted to him most of them there are not vegan, because they fall apart on it, but go on a primal diet

During the colonic, the worker pushed his liver, and he felt “fire” going down his intestines. What came out was all green, spirulina, algae and other such supplements, which had simply stored in his liver

He speaks a lot about studies on different “uncivilized” peoples around the world, who were all eating high amounts of animal fat, wherever they lived

At the end, he speaks of where veganism might be coming from, and the lie that veganism is good for the environment

His message to vegans is to “quit bothering and harassing people”, and that if you care about animals, go buy cheap land in Arizona and make an animal shelter or something, instead of bullying people who eat meat

Ex-Vegan (2 Years): Vegans Have No Empathy for Humans

Vegetarian for six years, before going vegan

Ate mainly raw vegan, and then her stomach became “an empty, vacant hole”, she was always hungry

Throughout her time on veganism, she was taking lots of supplements

Her skin dried up, she got acne all over her face

She became “emotional and neurotic” and “absolutely insane” from a lack of B12

A lot of talk about the cult mindset in the “vegan community”

Starting to eat eggs again, she felt “a little bit better”, but still felt hungry all the time

Panic attacks over tiny things, anemia, constant diarrhea

Started eating fish, it didn’t help much

She was always hungry but had no appetite, had to force-feed herself

After a particularly bad day, she realized she was risking her life, and ate steak the next day

Eating steak for the first time in years, she felt warmth throughout her body, tingling on her head, and “satiated” for the first time in years, “it changed my life”

Ex-Vegan (12+ Years): Veganism Is Starvation - Fruitarianism Is Suicide

Started in 2002 as a vegetarian for a year before going vegan, became raw vegan from 2009-2011, then went on to fruitarianism until 2015

She says many feel great the first year or so on veganism, because they cut out all the junk from their diet

She had digestive issues prior to becoming vegan, thought it might help, but it only got worse and she got sicker as the years progressed

After six years and only getting sicker, she thought it must be the drugs for her health issues, "I'm doing it wrong", or "my body is wrong"

(They talk about some very interesting "meat and milk causes cancer"-studies four minutes in)

She said the raw vegan years were the worst of her life, that her brain “stopped functioning”. She became "permanently psychotic", she "saw hell" and heard voices - conclusion: "oh, it's detox"

When she stopped veganism in 2015, she had a test done on her hair. They said they had never seen that much heavy metal in someone's hair before

She had been doing nothing but "cleansing" and "detoxing" for the past five years, and she was "the most toxic, sick person you'll ever meet"

She was “literally dying” towards the end, freezing cold all the time, her bones hurt so much she couldn't lay on a hard surface

She couldn't digest anything but fruit anymore, it took two years of quitting raw veganism until the point where she could digest vegetables and meat again

Her teeth had to be all "redone", because they were rotten to the roots, her hair was falling out

She was told that on this fruitarian diet, it will feel like hell for 2-3 years, because of the "detox", then they will feel great, like godlike beings

But since 2-3 years passed and people still felt awful, their "leader" changed that to "people are so sick today, the detox will take 5-6 years!"

This also didn't happen, people stuck for 5-6 years and only got sicker, so the story changed to "7-8 years, then you will feel great!"

Her comment: "You can't be a herbivore and be healthy. If you want to have a life of mental illness and an early death and degeneration, go be vegan."

Many of these people have also spoken of how many well-known names in the vegan/raw/fruitarian communities (from YouTubers to authors) are known “cheaters” who eat meat frequently in order to stay healthy, while lying to their audiences and telling them to stay vegan.

These were only five. I will do more of these posts, to keep them at a readable length.

#vegans #veganism #raw vegan #plant based #ex vegan #anti vegan #fruitarianism #vegan health

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ndragoon · 4 years ago

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Seems like it's one of those nights.

I don't know. It feels like I need to get so much out of my head, but every time I try to put any of it into words it just ends up as some rambling word salad. None of it makes sense, or else it is just something I've probably said here a hundred times already.

I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I hate how I feel like I must have done something horribly, unspeakably awful to deserve a punishment like this.

My brain doesn't work. I can't think, I can't remember, sometimes I just can't think anymore and my brain needs to do a full reset before it can start doing anything again. Typing, speaking, walking, you name it. I'll just stop in the middle, stare off into space, and then need to take a moment to reorient myself and hope that I can find out what I was saying or doing so I don't look like a massive idiot.

My thoughts feel like a bunch of clashing gears all struggling to keep the mechanism going. Sometimes they manage to coordinate enough to get something done, but it feels more like sheer coincidence rather than actual intention. It feels like if I can't do something on mindless autopilot, then it requires 150% of my maximum brainpower while I can only run at a strict maximum of 40%.

Memories, but especially names, escape me. Not just people names, but names of objects, places, and whatever else. I need to describe them or their use. It's difficult to talk to people about my special interests without making a complete fool of myself, because I can tell you the underlying mechanics and storyline, but then I have to describe items, cards, gems, weapons, characters, places, you name it. It makes me feel like a failure because others with special interests can tell you every single detail of every single thing using all the names and they can just recite them like an actor would for a play.

I need to stress the memory part more because I used to practically have an eidetic memory for some things, like how I could draw maps of places after only being there once (assuming it wasn't some kind of sprawling complex where every single room and hallway and nearly identical). Now, it's just a fog or a haze and I can only remember things roughly at best for places I've been multiple times.

It feels like having gripes about my appearance are so...superficial? Shallow? It feels like I'm supposed to like myself and every bit of my exterior unconditionally, and wishing anything was different is just something that people who only care about their appearance are supposed to do.

I don't mind my gut, surprisingly. It's smooth and round and doesn't have all the folds and rolls that some lighter but bigger people have that I dislike the look of.

I do dislike how thin and sparse my body hair is. I do have some traces on my thighs, belly, forearms, underarms, and my pubes - though they are all so thin and sparse you have to actually look for it because it barely counts as hair. I do have a single tuft in the middle of my chest, though, for whatever reason. It's the thickest, darkest patch of hair anywhere.

The only traces of facial hair I have is a thin line of hair on my upper lip, 5 tiny and short hairs right below the middle of my bottom lip, and a bunch of thick, wiry, and obvious hairs on the area between my chin and neck. It's a patch the size of my palm and stays consistent.

One of the things I envy about most other overweight men is the fact that their penis is external all the time. Even flaccid, it just dangles there for all to see or to play with. Meanwhile, even when I'm hard mine stays hidden. It was small from birth, stayed small through puberty, and got even smaller for whatever reason since then.

I hate saying anything about it because just mentioning it comes across as your typical "shallow male complaint" of "I wish my dick was bigger, 7 inches is too small". But I can't top because of it, and nobody wants to touch it because they all expect something much larger.

Recently, I've been dealing with one of those infamous anal fissures. They are so dang painful and perpetually bleed so much. It just adds to the strictures (basically scar tissue on the sphincter) my doctor said I had, and looking them up just told me that I basically either take a few years to manually stretch things out to get at least some stretchiness back, or forsake doing things back there entirely. I'm more inclined to just forsaking things entirely since just going to the bathroom after taking my meds for a few days was enough to cause a tear.

And this part is less shallow.

I was doing some thinking, because even though it is difficult to recognize and point things out as they happen, sometimes you can realize it after the fact. My exhaustion and easy fatigue have been around for a while. Putting it lightly, of course. I had realized I showed signs for years now, albeit nowhere near as bad as now.

Giving a bj to my fourth ex, G, was difficult because even though I greatly enjoyed it, my jaw started to hurt and ache so incredibly quickly. We chalked it up to inexperience and I tried to practice, but never got another chance to try with him. When I got to my eighth, J, I was having the same issues. Except I also had issues with my hands, where my arms would ache and become incredibly weak to the point of uselessness before I could get him to climax. No matter how many times I tried, I never got or felt any better and it was a point of frustration to him. Even though he never reciprocated (except for once, but that was a nightmare) I don't blame him for feeling that way, I'm frustrated with myself because I get that way just taking care of my own thing. Plus, even just eating is enough to make my jaw ache and feel swollen anymore.

And another thing is the whole vacation bit I mentioned in another post. When I was working, I always thought that it felt like I'd go to sleep at the end of the day, and instead of being fully rested my batter would only be at 99%. And then the next day it would only be at 98%. It wasn't always a literal day between, but that's how it felt. Taking a week long break didn't make me feel any better, I felt like I was at a permanent 75% regardless of how much sleep I got during that week. Even talking to a buddy, he told me that staying awake for two days and then sleeping at a normal time makes you feel like a god, but it just made me feel even more tired and worn out.

But now, I feel like I'm at a permanent 25%. All it takes is anything more than just one quick trip to the local small store to wipe me out for the whole day. If I spend a day with friends (don't bark at me, only two of them work, one is tested almost daily and the other refuses contact because of the high risk of their job, the rest stay at home all day) then I come home feeling like I just ran a marathon and need to sleep. Taking a walk around the grocery store takes me out for the rest of the day.

And I just...I don't know. None of the docs are willing to cooperate because I don't spend an hour a day exercising, because I have this junk food diet that they assigned me upon first sight, because I'm not working.

I'm socially dead because I'm not working. Every time I talk to someone, it's about where I'm working, what job I moved to, what I'm doing now that I'm not still stocking shelves. If I say my health declined and I'm trying for disability, they always just give me this look like I'm just one of those lazy kids who want to work the system and that's that.

My head is just so cloudy and it's getting difficult to think. So I think I'm done writing and rewriting and rewriting and rewriting this. It's already a massive essay that nobody reads, but at least I have a written record, albeit anonymously, of how things went down so at least someone can see my body when it fails someday and know my history and what I went through up to this point. I don't want it to be a huge mystery to everyone just because my family discounts how I feel and try to pretend nothing is wrong.

#Personal #Medical #Rant #Whining #This one is a really long essay #Not that anyone reads these #If you do I'm sorry you put yourself through this just for some stranger on the internet #You don't need to reveal yourself to me #I'd just be glad knowing someone knows my story

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flockofdoves · 5 years ago

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literally so grateful i just found this???? this has been a huge wall in front of me these past few days since realizing how much disordered eating over the past few months has affected me, having to start entirely reevaluating how i’ve been approaching my relationship with food in the name of not neglecting my chronic illness stuff and how that exact same attitude of trying to make myself better actually just made me fuck up my digestive tract by avoiding certain foods (and food in general bc theres so much its so overwhelming and also now i’m too nauseous and weak to have an appetite!) and by extension make my chronic illness worse. and then now reading about refeeding i was worried because so much refeeding stuff seems to recommend a lot of dairy products and i even before these last few months dairy hasn’t been good for me for over a year (although not just lactose i was thinking it was casein too but also like . lol idk maybe its just another one of the phenomena thats talked about here) and wasn’t sure how to balance that when avoidance of foods i see as triggers for health got me here in the first place and at this point literally anything is gonna be too much for my gut and i gotta tough through that

uhhhh turned into a rant/vent about things unrelated to the article under this

kinda distressing though tbh to think about what IBS even like . Means . lol like it does make sense to see it more as a small part of the bigger picture of all my stuff and how my nerves and shit or w/e are wired as someone labeled in contemporary times as/with autistic/adhd/ocd/schizo/anxiety/fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue and its comforting to see it more as a symptom of how i can easily get out of wack from there instead of just. eternally always bad (although i was getting okay with that too like i value parts of myself enough i could deal with that being reality without too much mourning beyond how i have no accommodation under capitalism. but still this is better than that even) but its weird finding ways of saying i don’t have to lean into it too much that don’t kinda just trigger me thinking about doctors/peers/etc whove more just saw me as a burden and didn’t care to listen to me before dismissing things as all in my head thus i was exaggerating and not deserving of compassion/care/etc. i know i don’t mean that towards myself but the nuance is a lot to deal with after so recently having that used to hurt me all over again and then in trying to take care of myself actually hurting myself worse. so that adds a weird layer to things i hope i won’t get a complex about lolol but also i guess thats cool i don’t have to beat myself up for not sticking to a fodmap free diet or deciding it wasn’t worth trying to see if i had a gluten intolerance because the food i’d be avoiding would make me more upset than any pain i deal with. like ... whoa.. i wasn’t actually being unreasonable or ridiculous when i thought that or being self destructive?? and i started considering otherwise when i now realize i was already dealing with ED symptom stuff so like . i can tolerate most foods i think at least some of the time??

really curious if i can regain my lactose tolerance considering i only starting being intolerant in the past year so it wasn’t a primary lactose intolerance thing maybe?? and i had some on and off symptoms of my current behaviors that lead to this that whole time so that’d be really cool actually lol i miss just being able to enjoy dairy products (and in retrospect my aversion to even tasting them even with lactaid pills or somethign definitely was liek...... disordered eating stuff lol)

also curious if my ED stuff had anything to do with my tremors or brain fog getting worse. i defintiely think at least somewhat like yeah. the timeframe makes sense. idk if thats the primary reason for those symptoms because i’ve had them at various points in my life in that combination but the recent upsurge in them and also the fact that most of those days were right after really bad nausea days and also how today i realized i was tremoring a lot in ways i directly associated with feeling weak because of trying to deal with ED related stuff i think that definitely will at least become less constant of a problem in getting over this. those are all symptoms i exhibit in various contexts with various physical and emotional pressures so i don’t think thats their only cause but i think that really does make me so much less worried about why the hell i’ve gotten so much worse so suddenly

scared about how long this will take i feel like i’ve only really had my eating become consistently disordered over the past couple months but idk i’ve had weird episodes for ages and if i really didn’t recognize this was even a problem til right this week idk if i’m thinking back accurately enough. its definitely worse in that period though bc my doctor 2 months ago (also wait... i guess that means its been even longer lol?? no way i lost that all in the couple weeks i really can look back and see my behavior as disordered before that appointment) remarked i lost like 15 pounds since my last visit 3 months ago (they also remarked like that was a good thing lol.) so i guess i’ll keep figuring that out its wild though reading that apparently just getting your stomach back to normal can take at least 2 months like it makes sense but like . jeez. hard to process that i did that and didn’t realize i’d like to think i’ve become so much more in tune with my body these past few years but i guess i’m not doing it the right way even if i’m glad i no longer just stay quiet and tough things out while suffering and dismissing it with no idea whats going on or why and feeling too ashamed and guilty to make it anyone elses problem and not pushing back when others dismiss the slightest thing i bring up. but yeah like i did a lot more than i thought i did with this but also i’m glad i caught it so early i feel almost too weird about saying i have an eating disorder like its like i acknowledged that this week and now i’m trying to recover so. thats good. idk i’ll see i’m sure i have a lot to learn and that kinda sucks i had enough to deal with already without this as a factor but!!!!

#cpost #ed -#disordered eating -#eating disorders -#food text -

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flyswhumpcenter · 5 years ago

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Nurse Café - Chapter 2/6: “Of Fogged-Up Screens and Downgraded Sensors“

PREVIOUS CHAPTER / NEXT CHAPTER

Fic Summary: Life could have honesty been simpler than that for Hokuto, a second-year Liteature major. There’s, however, someone out there willing to just make it easier on him.

Fandom: Ensemble Stars! (College/Coffeeshop AU) Ships: HokuAn (Anzu/Hokuto)

AO3 version available here.

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Chapter Summary: Waking up in someone else's bed with no real recollection of previous events is bound to confuse everyone out of their already confused mind.

Chapter Wordcount: 1.5K words

Chapter Notes: Ya boi's bacc after working for like 2 days in a row non-stop on not-so-secret-anymore project BWI, please excuse me for the late update. But hey, it's HokuAn fluff and a visit to my roots so! hell yeah! This is frankly cheesy but hey what more can I say? I just really like shippy, simple sickfics dude lmao Also was I supposed to find out on my own that Subaru's surname is "Akehoshi" and not "Ahehoshi"? I even transliterated it in the Greek alphabet wrong because of that, peak dumbassery

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Despite the lack of clear memories, he knew something was weird the moment it all felt fuzzy around him as soon as he woke up. It just wasn’t something that happened to him often: usually, getting up in the morning was merely a task to accomplish, a minor thing he wouldn’t have thought even once about and, clearly, wouldn’t have had any difficulty handling said task.

It wasn’t limited to just a weird case of short-term amnesia. As it stood, his entire surroundings were unfamiliar: through his slightly clogged nose, he could tell the sent around him was familiar, but not his flat’s, not even his grandma’s. His visuals were blurry and inexact, but he could still swear under the oath that it was unlike anything he had ever seen, let alone slept in. Where was he, exactly, and why?

Right as he thought about sitting up and sightseeing the room for himself to determine where he could possibly be, a pounding headache came back with all of his previously lost memories. Oh, right, he had gone out to get a coffee, got mistaken in his cafés, and Anzu had asked him if he was fine. After that, nothing: in the end, had he drunk his coffee? Presumably not, considering he was waking up and not working on this presentation he had sworn to finish tonight. Mission failed there. He’d have to retry next time, perhaps now, even if…

He had to admit defeat there. His entire body felt like lead. In fact, on second thought, he wasn’t even sure if he could hold a pencil or even sit up. If a tight-knit schedule, a mile-long of obligations and excessive amounts of caffeine of a questionable quality had managed to keep him afloat for a short while, the inevitable happened: he was experiencing an exhaustion crash leaving him to be even less productive than a broken computer whose keyboard had been smashed into a wall, bearing an interface that had gotten corrupted during a forced shutdown.

He could continue on the metaphor for a while, considering he wasn’t feeling able to even lift a finger, with his head as the only part he could tilt. It had felt like a shutdown because he had run out of battery, completely cessing to function until he could recover what he had lost in great quantities over an extended period of time. Not that anyone could have been able to do something against the issue that wouldn’t have taken time: in these moments, he was finally understanding how much people were frustrated when their phone was discharged.

Time sure seemed like a nice thing to have and not just endlessly run out of, huh…

Voices in the distance. Echoing footsteps from far, far away, perhaps from a corridor nearby. Like everything else, they felt distorted and unfamiliar, until they weren’t: once the distance had reduced between him and the rest of the world, he could distinguish Isara and Anzu’s voices chatting about something, tone impossible to identify. He wasn’t even sure if those actually were their voices or someone else’s, albeit Anzu’s voice had left an important-enough impact on his mind for him to be certain he wasn’t getting mistaken there.

Trying to grasp onto the last of his memories and the few clear thoughts he could produce, Hokuto realized one thing: if he wasn’t at his place, he had to go back there, no matter what crazy and improbable situation he had found himself in. Akehoshi and Yuuki had dragged him in enough weird affairs for him to know exactly what could happen: in a way, this is just yet another wacky situation his friends had gotten him in.

But, when he tried to get up and get moving, his body didn’t bulge from a centimetre, his arms having failed him, his head having become too heavy for his neck to transport across the campus. Wherever he was, he was there for a while. Now if that wasn’t just amazing.

“You’re awake!” Anzu’s voice had suddenly teleported right next to his ear, almost making him jump (or, at least, making him bob his head in surprise. It was weird to jump from getting scared when your body couldn’t otherwise move).

She put a cold hand on his forehead, brushing loose strands of hair aside. It was one of the oddest feelings to get: when he’d have the occasion to touch her skin, for any reason, she’d have the warmer fingers of them both. He had always been told to have been born a cold-blooded person, quite literally so: was this what Anzu felt every time he worried about his blood circulation? It had no right to have felt this soothing.

“A… Anzu…?” His voice sounded groggy. Awful. Dry. The shadow of its own self, truly. He was almost ashamed to speak in such a fatigued, slowed-down tone. It sounded no better than absolute trash. “Where’m I…?” His words were slurring too, how delightful.

“At my place. I guess it must be confusing you to wake up in someone else’s bed…” She shone him a timid smile, shoulders rising a little with a nervous twitch. “How are you feeling?”

“…t’rble…”

“I’d have guessed… You really have Mao and me a scare! He told me you should be all good in a few days, but as your friends, we can’t help but worry, you know?”

“I… Isara was…?”

“Mao was passing by the café right after you passed out. He helped me get you to my place. He’s just left though and gave me some advice, so you should be fine!”

To be fair, Anzu was the one he trusted the most after his grandmother about anything serious. Better be vulnerable in front of her than in front of anyone else. He guessed he should have felt lucky he hadn’t stepped in his usual café, then, if it was to lose consciousness like that…

“Can you say “aaaah” for me for a bit, Hokuto? I promise it won’t be for long.”

Not like he had any other choice than do as she said, allowing her to put a thermometer under his tongue. Needless to say, it still wasn’t a pleasing feeling. Fortunately (or unfortunately, he’d decide about that when the fog in his brain would have finally let out) for him, the thing beeped quickly after she had first inserted it in. The face she made (from what he could see of it, at least) when reading the result wasn’t exactly conveying him a great feeling about it all, putting her hand back onto his forehead as her eyes stared at the numbers.

“This fever’s no joke, how were you even up running such a temperature?!” Oh God, she sounded angry and worried all the same.

Not that he had any explanation to give about it or justification as to how it had gotten this bad. He didn’t know what number it was. He tried looking it up from the stick directly, but his eyes could only read something finishing in “9.7”. That wasn’t very useful to say the… Oh. Oh.

“I-I mean, you’ll be fine if you just rest for a couple days! I didn’t have fever reducers anymore, but Mao gave me some from his flat, so it should be just fine… Can you swallow anything? You need to down the pills with a glass of something, so I’ve brought you just that!”

Gathering all his forces, he pushed his upper half with feeble arms against the wall behind him, the back of his head hitting the hard material. That lethargy poisoning his entire body was no joke either. At least, he could now take the glass of water and pills Anzu was handing him. How was he supposed to resist against her bright smile and concern, huh? Not that reducing what had to be the prime source of his discomfort, especially now that the chills were knocking at the door, was bothering him in the slightest.

Downing the glass had been painful. It seemed like he hadn’t just worked himself to complete exhaustion: in the process, his immune system had weakened considerably. This whole situation kept adding on points onto his internal list of why he should never try doing such a thing ever again.

As usual, Anzu had come all prepared to a fight, putting shortly thereafter a wet washcloth on his forehead and gently pushing him back into her own bed, hands on his shoulders and opposing no opposition whatsoever from his side of the equation.

“Wait, n’zu…” He managed to squeeze out of his pained airways. “Wher’re you goin’ t’sleep…?”

“I’ve got a futon prepared on the floor; I’ll be fine. Just rest, okay? We’ll see if you’re good enough to go back to your flat tomorrow. You’ll only get better if you sleep.”

He merely nodded, sinking back into the covers. Their scent was nice, soothing even. It made the endeavour a bit more enjoyable, even if the word suddenly sounded too strong on his tongue.

“G’dnight then, I s’pose…”

Through his blurred vision turning to black, her smile shone again.

“Goodnight, Hokuto.”

#enstars #hokuan #hidaka hokuto #anzu ensemble stars #sickfic #hurt comfort #AU: Coffeeshop #AU: College #overwork #anzu (enstars)#otp: konpeito chou cream #Fic: Nurse Cafe

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paleorecipecookbook · 6 years ago

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9 Leaky Gut Symptoms and How to Start Healing Now

The term “leaky gut” has become a popular buzzword phrase, but what most people don’t realize is that poor gut health may very well be underlying their mysterious health issues.

From weight gain to autoimmunity to food allergies, skin problems, depression, and more, a leaky gut is often at the root of the problem. Perhaps that’s why the Father of Western Medicine, Hippocrates, said over 2,000 years ago: “All disease begins in the gut.”

How I Healed My Leaky Gut

In a way, my leaky gut saved my life. You wouldn’t have recognized me eight years ago. At the young age of 30, I had been diagnosed with multiple autoimmune diseases, including rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, hypothyroidism, eczema, and alopecia areata. I was quite literally bald, crippled, exhausted, covered in painful rashes, and extremely depressed. Thankfully, I discovered that a leaky gut was triggering my autoimmune diseases and I used the Paleo diet to heal my gut and put all of my autoimmune conditions into remission.

Amazed by my results, I decided to go back to school and study exactly why changing my diet had so drastically reversed my health. I obtained my Master of Science in Human Nutrition and wrote my thesis on “The Implications of Intestinal Hyperpermeability,” which is a fancy way of saying “what happens when you have a leaky gut.”

As it turns out, many “diseases of modern society” (like autoimmunity, heart disease, diabetes, depression, obesity and many more diseases and disorders) can all be connected to poor gut health. But if you pick the right foods and make the right lifestyle choices, food truly can be your medicine!

Helping people like you make the right decisions around the food they eat is now my life’s work, and I’m so excited to share with you and guide you through a similar transformation of your own.

If you’ve been struggling with chronic diseases, can’t lose weight, are foggy-minded or bloated all the time, then today, I’ve got something I’ve created just for YOU.

I’ve taken my protocol for healing leaky gut and chronic disease (for myself and the hundreds of people I’ve helped one-on-one as a Paleo nutritionist), losing weight, and simply feeling better, and put it into a guided, 30-day program that I’d like to invite you to today.

It’s called the 30DC: The 30-Day Paleo Challenge, and it starts on August 13th, 2018.

In the 30DC, I’m going to hold your hand and gently guide you through 30 days of living and eating Paleo. And guess what? Not only will eating Paleo help you heal your gut and body…you’ll also be enjoying delicious food while you’re doing it!

Registration is closing soon, so if this sounds like something you’re interested in, click the link below for more information or to join the 30-Day Paleo Challenge:

Join the 30DC: 30-Day Paleo Challenge HERE.

What Is Leaky Gut Syndrome?

A leaky gut is basically what it sounds like: your intestines develop tiny holes that allow for stuff that should stay contained in the gut (like food and toxins) to slowly leak through the gut wall and into the body.

It’s important to realize that up to 80 percent of the immune system is located within the gut wall, and the immune system’s first and foremost job is to produce inflammation in response to anything foreign that passes through the gut wall (like undigested food particles, toxins, bacteria, etc.). (1)

It’s not difficult to imagine that if the gut is “leaky” and toxins are continually flooding into the body, the immune system will constantly produce inflammation. Eventually this inflammation becomes chronic (long-term), and it’s chronic inflammation that underlies most “diseases of modern society,” including obesity, autoimmunity, heart disease, diabetes, cancer, depression, anxiety and MANY more diseases and disorders plaguing modern humans. (2, 3, 4)

9 Symptoms of Leaky Gut

Surprisingly, most people suffering from leaky gut syndrome have no digestive symptoms at all. The manifestations of leaky gut can appear virtually anywhere in the body. (5)

Digestive Issues

Digestive symptoms of all kinds can be a sign of an underlying leaky gut (although most people with leaky gut experience no specific issues with digestion). Diarrhea, constipation, gas, bloating, changes in bowel movements, abdominal pain, cramping, bloody stools, smelly stools, inflammatory bowels diseases, SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth) or another form of dysbiosis, candida overgrowth, gastroparesis or slow GI motility, and virtually any and all digestive symptoms and disorders under the sun can have a leaky gut at their root. (6, 7)

Autoimmune Diseases

Much research suggests that a leaky gut must be present in order for autoimmune disease to be active. Over 80 different autoimmune diseases have been identified, including Celiac disease, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, alopecia, psoriasis, multiple sclerosis, type 1 diabetes, Crohn’s disease, and many more. (8)

Chronic Diseases and Disorders

Practically any disease or disorder in the body can be related to an underlying leaky gut, including (but not limited to): diabetes (type 1 and 2), cardiovascular diseases, many types of cancer, respiratory disorders (asthma and others), thyroid disorders, hepatitis and other liver conditions, osteoporosis, periodontal diseases, digestive disorders, urinary conditions, reproductive disorders and infertility, and obesity. (9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

Skin Conditions

If you’re suffering from skin issues, you’re likely also suffering from a leaky gut. The connection between gut health and skin health has been well established and many skin conditions have been connected with leaky gut such as rashes, acne, hives, eczema, rosacea, psoriasis, hair loss, dermatitis, dry skin, and many more. (14, 15, 16)

Food Allergies and Sensitivities

Studies have shown that nearly all people with food allergies, sensitivities and intolerance have some degree of leaky gut syndrome. (17) Once the leaky gut is healed, many people are pleased to discover that their food sensitivities resolve themselves.

Nutritional Deficiencies

In Functional Medicine, a common indicator of leaky gut syndrome is low trace minerals across the board when tested via blood. (18) Leaky gut is often accompanied by inflammation along the length of the digestive tract, which makes it difficult for vitamins and minerals to be absorbed through the gut wall and into the body.

Brain and Mood Disorders

Conditions such as brain fog, depression, anxiety, autism, chronic fatigue, headaches, migraines, mood swings, ADD and ADHD, Alzheimer’s, schizophrenia and many more brain-related symptoms are thought to have leaky gut at their root. (19, 20, 21)

Body and Joint Pain

Arthritis, joint pain, muscle pain or weakness, nerve pain, fibromyalgia, and other musculoskeletal conditions have been connected to increased intestinal permeability. (22, 23)

Sugar Cravings

Sugar cravings can be a symptom of dysbiosis (an overgrowth of “bad” bacteria in the gut) and they often disappear once a person has addressed the health of their gut lining.

A Positive Test for Leaky Gut

Functional Medicine testing now exists that can assess gut health via the breath, blood, stool and urine. Two of the more popular tests for assessing intestinal permeability include the Lactulose/Mannitol urine test and the zonulin test (which can be performed via either a stool or blood test, and which detects a molecule called zonulin responsible for increasing intestinal permeability).

What Causes Leaky Gut?

Many things can trigger a leaky gut, but the most well studied are:

Diet

In particular, the antinutrients found in grains and legumes and foods that one is allergic or sensitive to. (24)

Several drugs, including alcohol, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs), aspirin, antibiotics, methotrexate, estrogen compounds (birth control), and others. (25, 26, 27)

Dysbiosis and Infections

An imbalance in the gut microflora, yeast overgrowth, parasitic or viral infections can also contribute to increased intestinal permeability. (28)

Poor digestion, such as low stomach acid or digestive enzyme production, pancreatic or hepatobiliary deficiencies, and carbohydrate malabsorption. (29, 30)

Poor Oral Hygiene

The mouth represents the beginning of the GI tract, and research suggests that dysbiosis in the mouth can contribute to increased intestinal permeability. (31)

Stress in any form (mental or physical) can trigger leaky gut syndrome. (32)

How to Heal a Leaky Gut in 4 Steps

There’s a concept that we practice in Functional Medicine called the 4R approach to healing the gut. It involves:

Step 1: Remove irritating foods and other toxins from our diets and lives Step 2: Replace toxic foods with digestive support and healing foods Step 3: Repair the intestines by providing the nutrients needed to heal the gut wall and the underlying immune system Step 4: Reinoculate to restore a healthy balance of the gut’s microflora

Eating a Paleo diet is a great place to start. One of the benefits of the Paleo diet is that it follows the 4R protocol by removing the main food triggers that contribute to leaky gut. Here’s a quick breakdown of how you can use the 4Rs and the Paleo diet to reverse leaky gut syndrome:

Remove

The Paleo diet removes the main dietary triggers of leaky gut and chronic disease, including grains, legumes, processed and refined foods, and dairy, in sensitive individuals. As mentioned, any form of stress can trigger leaky gut and chronic disease. In particular, the focus should be on relaxing before, during and after meals to optimize digestion.

Replace

Replacing non-Paleo foods with nourishing gut-healing whole foods will alone work wonders. If you’ve been eating a gut-damaging diet for years, you may find that your digestive system needs some additional temporary support in the form of hydrochloric acid, digestive enzymes or bile salts. Many people unknowingly suffer from low stomach acid production (which has many of the same symptoms as high stomach acid production) and benefit from using apple cider vinegar (or something similar) before meals.

Repair

Certain nutrients and herbs can be helpful by providing the gut lining with the fuel it needs to repair itself. The amino acid glutamine is the main fuel source for gut wall cells and supplementation has been shown to aid in restoring its integrity. (33)

The following nutrients have been shown to help enhance gut wall repair: vitamins A, C, E, D, B1 through B12, all of the amino acids, and the minerals zinc, selenium, chromium, molybdenum, manganese, and magnesium. (34, 35, 36, 37)

Adequate mucus production is essential for gut wall protection, and mucilaginous botanicals have a long history of use for improving overall GI health by reducing inflammation, including aloe vera, slippery elm, deglycyrrhizinated licorice, and marshmallow root. (38) N-acetyl-D-Glucosamine helps to strengthen connective tissues, is a major constituent of the mucosal barrier layer of the gut wall, and has been shown to decrease intestinal permeability. (39) Other dietary components shown to decrease leaky gut include the EPA and DHA found in fish oils, medium chain triglycerides (MCTs), curcumin (turmeric), ginger, quercetin, bone broth, and fermented foods. (40, 41, 42)

Reinoculate

The use of fermented foods and/or probiotics to reinoculate the gut with healthy bacteria and restore a healthy ratio of gut bacteria can be extremely helpful. Four ways to improve the health of your microflora include: 1) Eating a wide variety of foods and fibers, 2) Not using antibacterial cleaners (and do play in the dirt!), 3) Eating live/raw/unpasteurized fermented foods, and 4) probiotics and prebiotics. It’s important to use caution with probiotics because it’s way too easy to overconsume any one type of bacteria if you take the same probiotic pills over and over. I recommend getting probiotics from a rotating variety of fermented whole food sources.

The Bottom Line

If you think you might have a leaky gut, first off, don’t panic (remember, stress is one of the triggers of leaky gut syndrome)! Luckily, there’s a lot that you can do to heal your gut, which repairs itself quite quickly. In fact, the body uses over 20 percent of the energy derived from food to completely replace the gut wall every one to four days! (43) Most people feel like a new person after four to six weeks of living a Paleo lifestyle once the immune system has a chance to reset itself. Of course, depending on how long your gut has been leaky, and taking into consideration the specific conditions you’re dealing with, it may take several months before you’re feeling 100 percent again. So keep the faith and hang in there—the body truly is capable of miraculous healing!

And if you need some more guided help, I’d love to have you join me at my upcoming 30-Day Paleo Challenge starting August 13th, 2018 (registration closes at 11:59 p.m. PST Saturday, August 11th). I’ll lead you step-by-step through healing your gut and resetting your life by eating delicious foods. Click the link below to register or for more information, and I hope to see you there!

Join the 30DC: 30-Day Paleo Challenge HERE

In good health, Kinsey Jackson, MS, CNS® PaleoPlan Nutritionist

The post 9 Leaky Gut Symptoms and How to Start Healing Now appeared first on PaleoPlan.

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#paleo #recipe #food #delicious #healthy #yum #diet

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cuntess-carmilla · 4 years ago

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This is just an extremely long vent post sparked by my brother. ^_^

(Reclaimed r slur by the end in reference to myself)

Someone explain to me how my brother can be so smart yet always soooooooooo fucking wrong in everything other than thinking cops and Piñera are scum.

Actually? I know exactly why! It’s because in his colossal immaturity coupled with his trauma of having always been told that he’s dumb because he’s autistic and the combination of mostly STUPID awful teachers and bullying was the actual reason why he did so badly in school after like 3rd grade. Which I get! But the way he ~copes~ with his inferiority complex is by being possibly THE most arrogant person I’ve ever known!

Ok, no, the most arrogant one was my ex-boss who sexually harassed me, but my brother (being actually a good just really frustrating person) comes 2nd. Besides that insecure arrogance, he’s way too driven by his gut feelings without supporting those gut feelings with reason or proper sources. Sometimes AGAINST proper sources. He ESPECIALLY doesn’t inform his gut feelings with other people’s opinions to form any sort of balanced collection of ideas to consider!

Given that he also has really bad anger issues (I’m fucking uncle Iroh post-war crimes compared to him) and represses every emotion that isn’t Wrath, a lot of the time his gut is just going by whatever position, POV or idea causes him the strongest emotional reaction - again, without proper research - that aligns with his like, misanthropy and sense of The World Inherently Sucks, so a lot of the time it’s motherfucking conspiracy theories! And he sticks to the position that took 5 minutes to convince him no matter what anyone says if they don’t passionately agree with him.

AND when someone doesn’t passionately agree with him, or innocently asks questions that could make his position be exposed as wrong or unfounded, he takes it as the grandest personal insult meant to make him feel stupid and if we try to tell him that disagreeing with him or even just not being sure what we think of the positions he adopts, he literally, legit says we’re just saying that to demonize him and make HIM out to be the psycho.

I love him but he’s wrong a lot of the time EVEN compared to my very fascist parents when it doesn’t come to specific local politics (ie. hating cops and Piñera). Don’t get me wrong, they’re fascists so I disagree with 99% of their views (the ones I agree with being stuff like “rape is bad” and “femicides shouldn’t happen”), my mom herself makes up a lot of insane fascist conspiracy theories, and both of them source their information from right-wing mainstream media.

But like... At least they try to form opinions based on (the sadly biased) information they can get rather than immediately making up their minds with NO space for questioning anything based on what aligns with their emotions?

Ok, my mom not so much but she’s only like that when it comes to subjects she thinks she knows well. When it comes to subjects she knows she’s ignorant of, she doesn’t do that. She’s open to asking questions, being corrected and thinking things through in those cases.

My dad is generally capable of all those things that my mom does when she knows she’s not knowledgeable enough in the subject at hand, and actually has a pretty decent capacity to admit he’s wrong when he’s proven wrong by undeniable facts! He knows too that a lot of his own ideas and perceptions can change through time and he’d rather be properly right instead of clinging to past ideas and perceptions just to never admit he was ever wrong. What’s more, he fully accepts that people aren’t always going to agree with him on everything and that’s not a fucking hate crime! What a concept.

So like, yeah I think their politics are wrong almost entirely lol. But I can at least... Think of them as relatively functional adults when it comes to that shit even if they’re wrong and stay very wrong? My mom does take some things more personally but never to my brother’s level.

Just minutes ago my brother was spouting conspiracy theories about COVID (you know the shit, virus was human-made, it’s a conspiracy by some secret society to kill people, etc) like it was objective fact. My dad has stayed away from watching or reading any news for the sake of his own sanity so he doesn’t actually know all the facts, BUT with the facts he didn’t know, he asked him where his information came from in a very neutral way, or filled in the spaces with reasonable logic and distrusting things that are obviously conspiracy-mongering.

Just that my dad didn’t immediately agree with him and put the things he was saying to question my brother started fucking yelling and victimizing himself. I was so fucking annoyed that I committed the crime of interfering not regarding the subject itself, but regarding how my brother was handling not being agreed with. He word by word said “OH, SO YOU AGREE WITH HIM?" I told him I wasn’t agreeing or disagreeing with anyone! Because I wasn’t! I was just trying to calm the dude down and TRY to teach him, for the billionth time, to learn how to take CONSTRUCTIVE gentle criticism and to handle others having a healthy minimum of skepticism regarding the extreme ideas he proposes out of the blue! You know. Like a fucking (by tomorrow) 22 years old guy SHOULD. Ah, yes, he’s not a fucking teenager! HE’S TURNING 22 IN 23 MINUTES FROM NOW.

THEN he started victimizing himself, WITH ME.

ME! THE ONE BITCH IN THIS HOUSE WHO ALWAYS ADVOCATES FOR HIS ASS, HAS ALWAYS TRIED TO LISTEN TO WHAT HE HAS TO SAY WITHOUT DIRECTLY SHUTTING HIS IDEAS DOWN WHEN I THINK HE’S WILDLY WRONG BECAUSE EVEN THEN I MAKE SURE TO DISAGREE WITH HIM IN A WAY THAT HE DOESN’T PERCEIVE AS ME THINKING HE’S A STUPID PARANOID IMBECILE (paranoid he IS by the way!).

I’M THE ONE CUNT WHO’S ALWAYS TRIED TO MAKE THE REST OF THE FAMILY UNDERSTAND WHERE HE’S COMING FROM WHETHER HE’S RIGHT OR WRONG, WHO’S TRIED FOR YEARS (AND SUCCEEDED A LOT OF THE TIME!) TO TEACH THE REST OF THE FAMILY HOW TO ACCOMMODATE FOR HIM, HIS DISABILITY AND HIS TRAUMAS WHEN HE DOESN’T RETURN THE FAVOR TO ANYONE, SOMETIMES ASKING FOR MAYBE MORE COMPREHENSION AND PATIENCE FROM THE REST OF THE FAMILY THAN IT’S FAIR TO ASK FOR!

HELL. EVEN WHEN I TELL HIM OFF WHEN I GET PISSED AT HIM AND SAY PRETTY HEAVY THINGS TO HIM? I MAKE SURE TO ARTICULATE WHAT I’M SAYING IN A WAY THAT SHOWS COMPASSION AND IS COMPLETELY CODDLING IN TONE SO HE DOESN’T FEEL PERSONALLY ATTACKED. EVEN HE SAYS I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO “LISTENS” TO HIM.

THIS EMOTIONALLY REPRESSED DUDE WHO BREAKS FURNITURE AND DESTROYS OUR FOOD WHEN HIS ANGER OR ANXIETY TAKE OVER, WHO DOES NOT LET ANYONE SEE HIM VULNERABLE UNLESS HE’S HAVING A MELT DOWN ONLY BECAUSE THEN HE CAN’T STOP HIMSELF FROM CRYING? HE USUALLY TRUSTS ME ENOUGH TO HAVE CRIED ON MY SHOULDER MANY FUCKING TIMES.

AND HE ACCUSES ME OF JUST WANTING TO MAKE HIM SEEM LIKE HE’S THE INSANE DUMB DELUSIONAL AWFUL PERSON, SO I CAN SOMEDAY USE THIS INSTANCE AGAINST HIM IN ANOTHER “FIGHT”, WHEN I’VE NEVER FUCKING DONE THAT EVEN WHEN HE, TO BE HONEST, DESERVED IT? SERIOUSLY DUDE? FOR FUCKING REAL?

I’M THE ONE YOU’RE GONNA ACCUSE OF THAT WHEN I SPEND MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE CODDLING YOUR PETTY ASS, PROTECTING YOU, BEING A SECOND MOTHER AND CHARGE FREE SHRINK TO YOU?

OR PULLING ALL-NIGHTERS TO HELP WITH YOUR COLLEGE HOMEWORK WHEN I’VE HAD CLASSES TOO THE NEXT DAY? SOMETIMES DOING THE WHOLE COLOSSAL PROJECT ALONE THE NIGHT BEFORE IF I REALIZE YOU’RE TOO BRAIN FOGGED, FATIGUED OR TRIGGERED TO DO ANYTHING WITHOUT GETTING SUICIDAL OR SOMETHING? SENDING YOU TO BED WHILE I DO YOUR SHIT AND DON’T SLEEP AT ALL? SOMETIMES GROUP PROJECTS WHERE YOU WERE GROUPED WITH LAZY ASSHOLES SO I’M DOING THE WORK OF 4 PEOPLE ALONE THE NIGHT BEFORE? FOR FREE?

M E ?

BITCH, I DON’T EVEN WANT A MEDAL OR TO BE THANKED BECAUSE BEING THANKED FOR ANYTHING MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE! BUT COME THE FUCK ON. I’D JUST APPRECIATE NOT BEING SLAPPED ON THE FACE IN RETURN, YOU KNOW?

*insert gif of Disney’s Hades exploding in red fire then calming down 2 seconds after*

Like you just! Can’t fucking have an adult conversation with this dude if you’re not validating him without question! You can’t! You can’t have any level of healthy friendly debate with him! You can’t beg him to be reasonable! YOU CAN’T!

He was saying “BUT IT’S OBVIOUS”, my dad asked CALMLY “With what proof?”, then it was “WELL, IT’S OBVIOUS TO ME”, then “That’s an opinion, not a fact. We can google the number” and OH MY GOD!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!

Then to ME he was all “YOU JUST LOVE TO BE RIGHT, DON’T YOU?” calling US immature and saying WE are the ones who don’t want to listen to a different opinion!!!!! When I told him he fucking loves being right he victimized himself again with a “WELL, FOR ONCE I’D LIKE TO BE!”

I was about to tell him, with the last dying bit of my patience, that yeah, like most people I do actually like to be right and I like it a lot! But that being right requires actual fucking work and THINKING rather than just going by whatever supports your misanthropic Kill Society angry feelings, and the moment you’re proved wrong YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR POSITION IN ORDER TO BE RIGHT, BECAUSE IF YOU CLING TO YOUR DEBUNKED FIRST BASELESS CONVENIENT OPINION OUT OF PRIDE THEN YOU’RE OBJECTIVELY WRONG AND A PISSBABY.

But I didn’t get to say that because something else interrupted it and then things cooled off while, like a good Scorpio Mars, I’m still endlessly ruminating on and won’t forget about the rest of my life as much as I’d actually LOVE to be able to forget this instance of him being an idiot. 8)

Like, does this motherfucker not fucking get that unless I already know the subject thoroughly and have a fully fleshed Opinion, I don’t often give opinions out loud BECAUSE I try to first shape my thoughts properly and THAT’S why I tend to be fucking right? That that’s why I always have a lot of arguments and am so certain of what I think, because I’m so insecure that I only fucking talk when I’m 99.999999% confident in what I have to say, rather than it being because I’m an inflexible asshole who thinks is better than him!

And he’s seen it. He’s fucking SEEN ME acknowledge when I’m wrong!!!!! Including the times I’ve been wrong TO HIM.

In all honesty I don’t enjoy admitting when I’m wrong (in big part BECAUSE I put a lot of effort into articulating the ideas I’m standing by!), but when I realize that I am, just out of a minimum of maturity and sense of DIGNITY - because I’d find it so fucking humiliating to not acknowledge being wrong when it’s obvious that I am to everyone involved and I can no longer defend my point - I still do it!

Bitch, you said it yourself, I LIKE TO BE RIGHT. I’m going to side with what I genuinely think is right even if I used to think it was wrong! There’s a motherfucking reason that as a teenager I was a Pinochet apologist, Gays Go To Hell, Communism = Evil / Capitalism = Freedom, pro-life, Catholic and now I’m THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF ALL OF THAT.

Does he think it didn’t hurt my pride to discover one-by-one that my views were absolute shit? IT DID AND GOD KNOWS MY PRIDE IS SENSITIVE AS HELL. Does he think it wasn’t depressing to have my whole world views destroyed? I NEED TO STAND ON FIRM GROUND ON EVERYTHING OR ELSE I LOSE MY SHIT, IT WAS AWFUL TO SUDDENLY HAVE MY WORLD VIEW WRECKED. Does he think I didn’t try to argue for my WRONG ideas for as long as I still thought I had decent arguments to back them up? OF COURSE I DID, I BELIEVED IN THEM FOR A REASON, AS WRONG AS I WAS.

But I changed! I changed when I no longer had any space left to think I was right! And I operate the same way with my current positions and ideas now! Dude, I tend to be right over you BECAUSE I don’t immediately get set on the first thing that makes me feel emotionally Validated, unlike you! You ARE smart but you’re SO driven by your own colossal yet insecure ego that you don’t even BOTHER to be critical of your own thoughts and all your potential goes to waste.

I ruminate on every single little thing obsessively, to my own detriment, being my own Devil’s advocate having an ruthless debate against myself in my mind, starting off COMPLETELY insecure about my own thoughts, paranoid trying to imagine in what way I could possibly be proved wrong by someone else if I said my ideas out loud and how to hold my stance in case it happens. I NEVER say my ideas out loud to people who I think know more than me or are smarter than me, to not make a fool of myself in front of anyone because I’m a coward and I was also bullied into firmly believing I’m a fucking retard!

All of that pathological effort because I actually don’t think I’m better than you or anyone else! I think I’m really fucking stupid! So I overthink it all endlessly and by PRINCIPLE I distrust and question my own thoughts and perceptions at every single second. For hours, days, weeks, months, EVEN YEARS.

That’s why when I do speak I’m one of those annoying bitches who have an answer to everything! BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU’D TRY TO PROVE ME WRONG ON THAT FRONT ALREADY AND I DON’T WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT HUMILIATION SO I ALREADY HAD THAT SHIT COVERED BEFORE I DECIDED TO SAY ANYTHING.

And nothing in that exhausting, paranoid process guarantees I’ll be correct! So even when I firmly think I’m right I keep it to myself some more in case that maybe two years later or something I’ll discover a flaw in my thought process.

It’s so tiring, it’s so fucking tiring how EVERYONE who knows me from afar or from very FUCKING close, thinks that any and every one of the fucking things I achieve just fell into my stupid hands out of the sky by mere luck because God felt like giving me an easy ride that day. They ALL think I’m some arrogant bitch for the very few things I don’t doubt anymore when I try my best to be humble as long as I don’t humiliate myself! But I’m SURE they all think I’m a conceited lucky show off!

EVERY TIME I’m for fucking once proud of anything I achieve, people tell me to my fucking face that I’m just naturally and inexplicably talented, taking away any merit of my fucking own.

Like it’s a FUCKING compliment that, supposedly, everything I’ve achieved by pushing myself to my limits despite being at a disadvantage in so many areas, destroying my already ill body and breaking my autistic little brain, barely sleeping for days, having panicked crying fits where I self-harm because it’s not good enough and I don’t know how to make it right... What I finally accomplish by putting in all that effort, self sabotage and sacrifice?

Oh, it just fell into my hands because I’m THAT blessed, apparently! It’s all just LUCK AND TALENT I DIDN’T DO A THING TO EARN! I’m SO lucky and effortlessly talented! I feel SO fucking flattered!!! :) Thank you SO much! :) I’ve never EVER doubted myself also! :D

#also i know there's typos but you know what there's nothing of?#my shits to give or any energy from how exhausted i already was before all this

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sweet-n-peachy · 7 years ago

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Lets Talk About Lyme Disease

Honestly, this isn’t something I post about often… really I don’t post about it ever. It’s even rare that I bring it up in conversation anymore. Mainly because, Lymes Disease is a disease that’s so widely misunderstood. I can’t place blame on anybody for not understanding the struggles of a person with Lyme.. or any chronic illness at that. They’re difficult to understand, until you’re experiencing it yourself.

Lyme changed my life, and I didn’t even realize it. I got diagnosed two years ago, and told that I had the disease for five years. That means for three years, I had bacteria growing in my body, latching on to every organ, every muscle, every cell. It buried itself deep into my body. I first noticed my health declining in high school. I was so exhausted I couldn’t get out of bed to go to school, or work. My family and friends thought I was avoiding something, like I was going through something, was depressed, or just lazy. They were angry at me, and I was angry at me. I had to stop playing a sport I had played my whole life, I got out of shape, I felt awful, and everyone around me thought I was self-destructing. I started to believe them, because I had no idea why I felt the way I did, and no doctor had any answers for me.

I went undiagnosed for the first year of symptoms. The second and third year, I was misdiagnosed. Everything from anemia, to every auto-immune disease you could think of. This was because Lyme targets not just one part of the body, it targets everything. I had symptoms from head to toe. I started off as just exhausted and fatigued, but it quickly turned into serious joint and muscle pain (after having done no physical activity), fevers, hormonal changes, severe depression and anxiety, rapid weight loss and gain, cardiac arrhythmia, brain fog, loss of memory…. the list goes on. It’s easier to list the symptoms I didn’t have, than to list all the ones I did.

When I first got diagnosed, I didn’t really know what it all meant. It’s hard to grasp when even your doctor isn’t too sure how the disease works. At the time, my dad had already been diagnosed with Lyme, and had been telling me for months that he suspected I had it. It wasn’t until my dad had a TIA (mini-stroke) that I understood the severity of the disease I had. I had all the symptoms of being on my way to also having a TIA. I would have episodes where I would feel extremely faint, suddenly nauseous, and I would sometimes faint. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see, and I wouldn’t remember it happening once it was over. It was honestly terrifying. I thought I was dying, and I remember thinking I would rather die than feel how sick I felt.

My first treatment consisted of taking 2 Doxycycline pills every day for 2 months. During a treatment of antibiotics they warn you that you might have a reverse reaction, and feel sicker. This is called having a “herx”. It’s when the bacteria is being flushed from your body, and is releasing toxins into your body. They say it’s a good thing.. but I can tell you, it feels far from it. I spent so many days in bed from school or work. Dozens of nights throwing up for hours, crying in pain. It felt like hell.

After the first treatment, I still wasn’t in remission, so I was put on another round of Doxy for 4 months. I had the same experience. This time, my doctor mentioned that my test results came back negative for Lyme, so she started looking in other areas. At the time I was having a lot of gastro-related issues. I was throwing up, I had stomach ulcers, I couldn’t eat, and I had rapidly been losing weight. During this time my doctors suspected colon cancer, as it’s something that runs in my family. I’ve never talked about this part of my experience with being sick. It was the most terrifying part. For months I waited for results of test, after test, after test. All negative. I’m more grateful than anything for that, but I’m still at a loss, because I didn’t know what it was that was making me so sick. Shortly after, my blood results revealed Lyme again. Showing that Lyme CAN and WILL hide. It’s known for giving false negatives, very often actually.

I went on Doxy one more time. I still have yet to reach remission. My symptoms temporarily subside, but there has never been an extended period of time where I’ve been able to live normally or feel anything close to healthy. Every day is a constant battle with exhaustion, pain, nausea, fevers, and cognitive deficiencies. It’s frustrating. I feel like I’ve lost who I am in the battle against a disease caused by a bug bite. I don’t remember who I was or what I was like before.

As of now, I’m looking to find a (what Lymies call) “lyme-literate” doctor, who will allow me to have a central line put in. In many cases, a PICC line is very successful in eradicating the bacteria in Lyme patients, but because the disease is so under-researched and misunderstood, many are hesitant to do it. The line is used to administer IV antibiotics daily, in a stronger dosage, right to the veins. It allows for the antibiotic to absorb directly into the bloodstream, making it much more effective. I’m hoping this will work out. Lately I’ve been feeling really hopeless. I want my health back. I want to rediscover who I used to be, and love my life again.

#lyme disease #lymie #lyme #chronic lyme #lymewarrior #chronic illness

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gethealthy18-blog · 5 years ago

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292: Transformational Nutrition From the Inside Out With Cynthia Garcia

New Post has been published on http://healingawerness.com/news/292-transformational-nutrition-from-the-inside-out-with-cynthia-garcia/

292: Transformational Nutrition From the Inside Out With Cynthia Garcia

Child: Welcome to my Mommy’s podcast.

This podcast is brought to you by the Kion Clean Energy Bar. We all know that finding healthy snacks for you and your kids is no simple task. Most snacks, even the so-called “healthy” ones, are high in sugar, have poor nutrient quality, and will leave you and you feeling tired or hungrier than you were before. That’s why my friends at Kion created the Kion Clean Energy Bar, a delicious, all-natural, snack that will satisfy your appetite and give you stable, long-lasting energy. My kids loves these and I love that Kion bars are made from all real-food ingredients like coconut, almonds, and chia. They have zero refined sugar. They have a lot of healthy fats and clean protein to fuel the body and brain. They are naturally gluten, dairy, and soy-free. They contain electrolytes, vitamins, and minerals. And even though they are chocolate, they won’t melt in the heat or freeze in the cold. And they have a delicious chocolatey flavor and crunchy texture that you and your kids are gonna love. You can get 15% off of the Kion Clean Energy Bar by going to getkion.com/wellnessmama and using code MAMA15 at checkout.

This podcast is brought to you by Radiant Life Catalog. Radiant Life is a woman-owned, family-run online health and wellness company specializing in food-based supplements, nutrient dense foods, eco-friendly housewares and water filtration and purification. After spending over 20 years in the health industry, Radiant Life realized that one of the overlooked components of wellbeing is access to clean, healthy and hydrating water. Now , they have a range of filters that fix this for every type of house and budget from counter top to under counter and even whole house like the one we have. Their systems are crafted with a health and wellness focus. They improve the taste and smell of water but, more importantly, they remove a wide range of potentially harmful contaminants. They also have and in-house water expert is available all the time to guide you through the system selection process and answer all of your questions via phone or email. Their systems are also designed and built in the USA and really high quality. Go to radiantlife.com/wellnessmama and get $200 off a Whole House or 14-Stage Water System with the code WMPODCAST.

Katie: Hello, and welcome to “The Wellness Mama” podcast. I’m Katie from wellnessmama.com. And I’m here today with a dear friend and mentor of mine, Cynthia Garcia, who is a celebrity nutritionist, a transformation expert, we’re gonna talk about why today, a best-selling author, and the founder and CEO of the Institute of Transformational Nutrition, which is where I got my MCHC certification. And they’re a company that makes it easy for health coaches to do the work they love by teaching them a proven coaching process that leaves them confident and credible so they can be a powerful force for good in the world. And we’re gonna talk about that today, and especially how that could be an amazing tool for us moms who wanna be home with our kids more. And Cynthia is also a mom of an amazing little girl. But Cynthia, welcome and thanks for being here.

Cynthia: Oh, my gosh, thank you so much for having me, Katie. It’s such an honor.

Katie: Oh my gosh, I’m so glad to have you here. You’re one of my favorite people to talk to and you are such an inspiration. And to start, I would love if you don’t mind to share your story and how you got into this world, because I think when people will meet you now, like, you’re such the picture of health and success in business, that it might be easy to think that you have always just been that way. And I know you have an incredible story. So, are you willing to share that today?

Cynthia: Yeah, I am. I definitely think that my life story is sort of meant for a message for me and for others. And if there’s anything that, you know, anyone can take away and learn, and maybe make their journey a little bit easier from my story, then I’m happy to share that. And you’re right. You know, I think we all kind of assume things about people when we meet them. And, you know, like, I look at you and you have it all together. And, you know, you’re running this amazing business and you have these amazing little humans that you’ve birthed into the world and that you’re just raising, and just an awe inspiring way, and then you lead this amazing audience, and this great tribe of moms. And it’s just so inspiring, but also knowing your story makes it that much more powerful. So, yeah, I’d love to share mine. Where do you want me to start?

Katie: Oh my gosh. Well, there’s so many cool layers. I guess, we’ll start at the beginning of your health journey first. And then I know that there’s the business side as well, where you have this passion to bring this to the world. But you had your own kind of health story as well, right?

Cynthia: I did. And, you know, part of my story and I guess one of my dirty little secrets is that I never had any interest in health. I just didn’t. I didn’t know a protein from a carb. I’d never heard of gluten. I honestly didn’t really care either because things were kind of okay. I didn’t have a reason to be super concerned about my health until I did. And what was happening in my life at that time was things were really hectic. I lived in Los Angeles and I was working in the entertainment industry. And I mean, much like all of us, women, I was going from morning to night and just really burning the candle at both ends, just really pushing, and striving, and pounding the pavement and, you know, trying to make a living. And that caught up with me really, really quickly. I got super sick and had a lot of different issues.

So, I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. I was exhausted from morning to night no matter how long I slept. I had cystic acne all over my face, my neck, my back. I suffered from short-term memory loss. I mean, you name it, it was happening. I was about 30 pounds overweight, 25, 30 pounds overweight at the time as well, and just trying everything, Katie. And, you know, when it first started and I first started experiencing these symptoms, I thought, you know, “I just maybe need to eat healthier,” not that I even knew what that meant, “and maybe go to the gym more.” And that didn’t work at all. I was too exhausted to hardly get off the couch. So, you know, I started seeing people. I started reading articles. You know, I went to a nutritionist and I went to a doctor, and then I got kind of desperate, and I started going to healers. And I mean, I was hypnotized once. And this went on for, gosh, about nine months, I guess, and I was only ever getting worse.

So, you know, I was popping the pills and drinking the shakes, and nothing was working. And, you know, I didn’t have a lot of money in my bank account. I had, like, a few hundred dollars in it, which was not good. Because I was living in Los Angeles and didn’t really have a lot of friends, to be honest, and no family here. And, you know, it was really scary. I’d moved out to LA on my own and went through this crazy time, I was homeless for a little bit. So, just the thought of, you know, “What am I gonna do? Like, what is happening?” And I can’t make money because unfortunately, I made money based on partially on how I looked. You know, I was in the entertainment world and was a model. So, it was a really scary time. I plunged into this really deep depression. I had been diagnosed with clinical depression really early on in my life and it’s something that I had struggled with for a long time, and I still struggle with today, just to be completely transparent.

But I got to this point, Katie, where I was just I was done, you know. And I remember I woke up one morning in my little tiny studio apartment in Hollywood, California, and I don’t know, that morning, I thought, “You know, I can do this. I’ve been through a lot of stuff in my life,” and I can share that with you. But I thought, “I can do this. Maybe today is the day I turn it all around.” You know, I just was really hoping for that fresh start. And so, I got up and I got in the shower and, you know, I’m showering, I’m my doing thing and I found a lump in one of my breasts, just this little, just node right in the side. And, you know, for women, I think, anytime we have something like that happen, it’s just like you’re frozen, you know. And I just remember reaching for my other breast and found a little node there.

And it was just, like, ice-cold chills ran over me and I just remember sinking to the floor of the shower, just sitting down. And if you remember those old television sets, Katie, the really big boxie ones that required like four men to move it into your living room, when you turn them off, it’s like they faded to this little tiny dot, this thought of light. And that’s what was happening. And I just kind of lost it and I don’t know how long I sat there but I remember putting my arms around myself and just rocking back and forth, and just in this zone, just disbelief, just really hit truly, literally, hit rock bottom. And I remember getting out of the shower when it got…because the water was cold and I was shivering, and I spent the rest of the day just in a fog. And the wee hours of the morning crept up and I’m sitting in the corner in the floor in my little apartment. There was, again, one window in this apartment and the light was coming in. And I was done, Katie, I had decided to take my own life. I decided that was the best way out. I thought, you know, “I’ve given it a good shot. They can’t say I haven’t tried.”

And so, I had a handful of pills and was ready to make that happen. And, you know, I think when you get to that point in your life, if you’ve ever been there, maybe your audience has, you, you start to kind of look at things in your life. And, for me, I started looking back and thinking you know, “Gosh, this has been such a crazy ride.” Because this was not my first time at the, you know, down and out rodeo. I was born into extreme poverty. My parents were having a really rough time. They’d had a son before me who had passed away when he was only two from a drowning accident. And they’d had a really hard go of it themselves. They weren’t really in a place to be parents. And we had no money. I remember there was no running water in my house. We had an outhouse that we had to go outside and use if we needed to go to the bathroom.

You know, there was a spring that was maybe, I don’t know, five or six miles away, and that’s where we would go get our water in old, you know, used milk jugs. And so, it was a really tough upbringing. And, you know, with those situations comes kind of what you would think. You know, my dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict. And my mother was bipolar, and a narcissist, and very verbally and mentally abusive, physically abusive. I was sexually abused for the first time at the age of five. And that continued as I got older and it was just really, really difficult. You know, my family around me that told me I would never amount to anything. It was just a really tough upbringing. And so, having gone through so much in my life, that night on the floor, I just thought, “You know, I’m just so tired of fighting. I’m just so tired of it.” And I started questioning like, “Why me? Why has all this happened to me?”

And then when I sit there questioning with the tears rolling down my eyes, my heart just broken open just feeling, you know, worthless and hopeless. There was this voice inside of me that just said, “Well, it hasn’t happened to you, it’s happened for you.” And it’s funny, Katie, because I hear that everywhere now. But at the time, I’d never heard that. And it kind of got my attention. And I was like, I thought, “Well, if it’s happening for me, then what is it all for?” And again, this voice and whatever it is, divine intervention, God, whatever, this voice said, “Well, you’re meant for something really great.” Now, again, I had grown up with my own family telling me I was nothing, that I was trash, that I’d never amount to anything, that I might as well just give it up.

You know, I remember in high school being teased because I didn’t have a lot of money or a lot of things, and the kids, they’re telling me to go kill myself, that I should just go kill myself. And so, for that night for me to think, “Whoa, I’m meant for something great. Like, no.” But that sat with me. And it reinvigorated me and I thought, “We’re all meant for something great. You’re meant for something great.” Everyone listening is meant for something great. I believe greatness is our birthright. So, essentially, what ended up happening is I said, “Okay. You know, maybe I can do this. “You know, that fighter spirit in me came back and that survivor mentality kicked in. And I thought, “Maybe I can do this.”

So, that night, it sounds kind of crazy when I say it, but I kind of made a pact with the universe, a pact with God. And I said, “Look, if I’ll do this, I’ll give it one more chance. If you’ll open the door, I’ll walk through it.” And that’s what I’ve done ever since that night, Katie. I’ve spent my life since then really trying to help others, trying to help others, you know, get to those deeper hungers, help them recover their health, help them to live the life that I know they’re meant to live, that, you know, stepping into that greatness that is their birthright. And we can get into some of the ways I’ve done that and how I can help here today. But that’s where everything started. And that’s led us up to now.

Katie: It’s such an incredible story. And I just wanna say, I’m so grateful that you are still here with us, and that there were bigger plans for you, because I just value you so much. And I think one of the things that you just said that it bears repeating over and over is that idea that, you’re right, is more common now, but things happening for you, not to you. And I know that was a shift I had as well. I also had sexual trauma in my past, and realizing that, like anything, there’s always a lesson and there’s always something we can learn from that. And not only that, that often, you know, that other quote, that our wounds make us warrior, but, like, those things can actually, like, have a purpose in our lives when we let them, instead of just dwelling on this bad thing that happened to us.

And I know that’s my… You know, my heart goes out to any woman, other woman who’s experienced that. But that’s why I’ve been a little resistant to some of these movements that seem to just dwell in the pain of the trauma versus the transformation of the trauma. And I know, I would love to go a little deeper on that on the emotional side, because I know now that you’ve helped thousands and thousands of people really to, like, delve deep and decode that for themselves. So, to start with, what was it for you? Like, what were those initial steps for you figuring out what you were really hungry for and starting that transformation?

Cynthia: Yeah, that’s a great question. And I just wanna comment on something that you said because, you know, I think as women, we go through a lot, and oftentimes, we hide that because we think we’re alone. We think, “Oh, no one else has gone through this. They won’t know. They’ll judge me. You know, if they really knew me, what would they think? Would they like me?” And we’re all so concerned about what others think. And I get that, right? And at the same time, I know that we women are so powerful and we’re capable of everything, especially moms. I mean, come on, you created a human. That’s pretty amazing. And I also think sometimes when we go through these experiences, they don’t always make us stronger. And we don’t know how to get that strength. And sometimes we do slip into that victim mentality. And I guess, for me, what I wanted to add to what you said is just that we can overcome that. We don’t have to stay in that place. It’s not a judgment on you because someone did something to you that wasn’t right. And so, we can get on the other side of that, and we can be that powerful warrior and that survivor, and we can take our deepest pain and leverage them into our greatest power. I really believe that it’s possible for all of us because it did happen for some reason.

You know, I don’t know what that is in everyone’s life, but it definitely happened for a reason. For me, getting clear on, you know, what I was really hungry for involved me taking a real honest look at my life, Katie. And I started looking at who I had become, which is not who I am. It was not who I was, right? It was just who I… It was a version of me that I had created that I thought other people wanted to see and that other people wanted to be around, the person that other people wanted to be friends with. Because again, I thought, “Gosh, if they knew me, and if they knew my story, and they knew where I came from, like, Oh, well, they wouldn’t want to be friends with me.” You know, that would not be good. So, I spent a very long time trying to please others by compromising who I was and what I believed and what I stood for.

So, I believe that there’s really two things that we have to do in order to remember who we are, because, you know, we start these big conversations around transformation. And we go on Instagram, and we see the before and after photos. But I think we have the wrong idea about transformation and what it really means. Krishnamurti has a great quote, he said, “When you begin to understand what you are, without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation.” So, what he’s saying is that you don’t have to go outside of yourself and become some other person, some other being, which is what I did, to try to please others. What’s important that you do if you really are looking for transformation in your life and you wanna live that life of greatness that’s meant for you and you wanna be healthy mind, body, and spirit, you have to really understand who you are. You have to remember who you are.

And that requires two things. One is the desire to know and two is the courage to take action. And that second one can be tough. But once you’ve decided that, “Yes, I don’t want to live my life this way. I do wanna be healthy in every way. I do wanna understand what I’m really hungry for and step into that life that I know is meant for me,” then one of the easiest ways to take action is to do things that you normally wouldn’t do. So, what I mean by that is read books you wouldn’t normally read, watch movies you wouldn’t normally watch, play a musical instrument, you know, write something, cut out pictures from magazines. Because we are so stuck in these ruts of doing the things that we think we should do that we forget or we lose track of the things that we really want to do. So, again, losing track of who we really are. So, the first step is, being gentle with yourself. That’s really important. And then having that desire to know and the courage to do something about it by exploring the things that maybe you’ve cut out of your life. Another great thing is going back to when you were a kid and looking at some of the things that you really enjoyed doing back then. So, that could have been anything, maybe it was cooking, maybe it was the great outdoors, maybe it was art, who knows. But getting back to that and starting almost from that childlike place where you were so true to who you were and so pure is a great way to start that journey. Does that make sense, Katie?

Katie: Yeah, it does. And yeah, I think that’s such an important point to address that side of things. Because you’re right, there’s so much information out there. And especially now, we all know what the things are that we need to do physically to be healthy. There’s so much information about that. But I know firsthand how easy it is to ignore that so important emotional piece, which is why what really drew me to you and to the Institute for Transformational Nutrition was that I feel like, especially for anyone, any human, but especially for women, that part is so, so important.

Cynthia: Yeah, it’s critical. I mean, the reason why… You know, I do a lot of interviews with media and TV, and, you know, work on some different shows. And one of the things I get asked a lot is, “Why don’t diets work? You know, there’s all these diet books, why don’t they work?” And the truth is, I don’t know that it’s the diets that aren’t working, I think maybe we’re not working the diets, because we’re trying to transform the wrong thing, right? We’re looking at it and we’re saying, “Oh, I’ve gotta be this size. I’ve gotta eat this food. I have to be this thing or that thing,” but it’s not really who we are. And if we’re all being honest, it’s probably not even who we really want to be. So, I think that getting really clear on that is really important. And, you know, starting this journey from almost from the beginning over.

Katie: Yeah, that makes perfect sense. So, I’d love to go a little deeper on now, what the Institute for Transformational Nutrition is, kind of the story of how it began and then, like, how you both teach people in the institute and then how they work with people in the world.

Cynthia: Yeah, I’d love to. So, you know, I started this journey that night on the floor. After I’d made this pact, this agreement with God, I thought, “You know, I should probably learn more about the body, and about nutrition, and how this whole thing works.” Because, again, I was relying on the experts, like, “experts,” right? And so, I thought, “Okay. I need to go back to school. I need to study. I need to learn.” And I got on my computer that night and thank goodness for Google. And I started just looking for nutrition programs and certification programs. And I found one. I called the next morning. I used three different credit cards to sign up because I didn’t have any money. I’d spent all the money I had on, you know, going outside trying to find someone to make me better. But that was okay, Katie, because I knew that I was really investing in the only thing I had left to invest in, and that was me. You know, again, we’re all so much stronger than we think we are, right? And especially, as women and moms, I think we can do everything. I think we are only limited by our imagination.

So, anyways, I took that leap and I started studying. And I started, you know, getting an education and I started working with clients. And I realized really quickly that they were seeing some things that were just really wrong about the way we were approaching nutrition, and coaching, and health coaching. And there’s one woman that triggered it for me, and I’ll share the story with you because man, she changed my whole life. She was a client and she was coming to me because she had a really hard time with sweets. Now, I know you and I don’t know anything about that. We don’t like sweets, especially that yummy dark chocolate. I kid, of course. But she really had a hard time getting away from candy bars. And so, she came in and I started coaching her, very nutritional, very physical nutrition-oriented.

And we’d make meal plans together and she’d go away every week with this meal plan ready to just take action. And she’d come back the following week having eaten candy bars every single day. And this went on for maybe four weeks. And she came in one day and had caught me in just the right mood. Ladies, we all get in just the right mood sometimes. And she came in and, again, the candy bars, and I said to her, “Look, you know, Janet,” which is not her name, I said, “Look, Janet, you know, every week you come in, every week we make this plan, every week you go off, and then you come back and there’s candy bars. Like, help me understand because, at this point, I feel like you’re wasting my time and your money.”

And she did something, Katie, that thankfully, no one has done to me before or since. She stood up and she started yelling at me. And she told me this story and it changed the course of my work forever. She said, “You know, when I was a little girl, my parents got divorced. And my mom was really unhappy, my mom was really insecure, and she started dating this man who she was really into, but turns out he wasn’t into me.” Turns out he wasn’t into kids at all. So, her mother with this need to really get her self-esteem back and feel good about herself would take Janet when she was a little girl out to Blockbuster Video, if we remember those old days, and she would get her all these movies, buy her candy bars, and bring her home, and put her in a room so she could watch movies and eat the candy bars while the mom, the boyfriend were downstairs. And then afterwards, the daughter could come out again. So, this woman said to me that day in my office while she’s yelling, she said, “You are trying to take away the only friends and the only love I have, and I just won’t let you.” And it stunned me. I thought, “Whoa, wait, what?” And she sat down and I think she’d even shocked herself.

Like, we were both just in this state of shock, just staring at each other. And I realized in that moment, there was such a bigger reason as to why you know diets don’t work, or why we can’t just transform into the person that we want, or lose the weight, or get the health back. Why do we know what to do but still won’t do it? And I realized those reasons are so deeply rooted in things like past trauma, and past pain and, you know, abuse, like we talked about. And there’s so many bigger concepts. So, I started building in mental wellness to my coaching and really looking at, you know, the anxiety that my clients were going through, the past events that had really damaged them in some way, hurt them in some way, that they thought they were, you know, irreparable.

And that worked for a while. I was able to really drill down. We were able to get them to take better action, really care for themselves, and they started seeing better results. But I realized there was still another piece missing. It’s like we were getting so close, but not quite there. And that was, even after we broke through the trauma, even after we said, “Here are the reasons you know what to do and you’re still not doing it,” I realized that women were still hungry. You know, we live in a country where we eat more than any other nation in the world and yet we’re starving to death. Not just for nutrients, but for more, for pleasure, for meaning, for purpose, for self-worth, if we’re being really honest here. And I realized so many women didn’t have that. So, at the end of the day, when it came to even, you know, knowing the right foods to eat and then knowing how to overcome the past trauma and their trigger and do the “right” thing. Well, some women, at the end of the day, most of us, in fact, didn’t really feel like we’re worth it. Like, we didn’t deserve to take the time, or to do the things, or to get the right foods, or to meditate, or to reconnect with ourselves. So, I started looking at spiritual nutrition and realizing that we’re fed by so much more than just what’s on our plate.

So, where does that meaning and purpose and self-worth, and, you know, today would call it self-love, where does that all come from? Because I believe that you have to feed yourself all of those things, right? You have to get to know who you are intimately and feed who you are if you’re really looking to transform into who you’ve always been. And so, I put together this system, this method because I thought that this is really great. So, we looked at not just physical nutrition but mental nutrition and spiritual nutrition. And I put together this system, and the women and the results were just amazing. I mean, they started not just getting healthy and losing weight and balancing hormones and healing gut health, but they got out of relationships that weren’t serving them, and found that partner of their dreams. They left careers where they had no meaning and purpose, and they felt like they weren’t contributing. And they started their own businesses. And, you know, they did the work that they loved. And I thought, “I wanna take this to a bigger scale.” And that’s when I started the Institute of Transformational Nutrition, and transformational nutrition is what I called this method, this practice of bringing together these three pillars, you know, physical nutrition, mental nutrition, and spiritual nutrition into one practice. And so, today, we train and certify health coaches in this method so that their clients get amazing breakthroughs, amazing results, and finally, transform back into the person they were always meant to be.

Katie: I love that and I know firsthand just how incredible that program is. And I wanna go a little bit deeper. But first, I wanna go back to something you said about that client and her outburst, and how, like, there were such a deeper connection to that particular food, that obviously wasn’t just about the sugar or the craving at all. And it made me really think, you know, both of us are moms and certainly, like, I wanna go deeper on how we all have these things inside of us and how to work through them. But, I also really think about our kids and how much our culture really does tie food into emotional experiences, especially, like I look back into, like, birthdays, where every good experience in my childhood was tied to sugary foods or tied to junk food in some way. And so, I mean, other than the obvious of, like, making healthy food choices, do you have any ways that you are doing that, like, fostering a healthy relationship with food and emotion with your daughter and your family or suggestions that you would give to other families? Like, how do we help, hopefully, our kids avoid some of these pitfalls?

Cynthia: Yeah, gosh, it’s such a great question. And that’s really what it’s about, right? As moms, we want our kids, we want them happy. We want them healthy. And we just want them to have a better life. We want them to avoid the pains that we went through when we were young. And so, yeah, I mean, I have really open honest conversations with my daughter around food and I have since she was born. But we never use food as a reward. It’s just never something that we do. You don’t get a sweet for being a good girl, or for cleaning your room, or just doing the things that you should be doing as a little human. We also don’t use food as a punishment, you know, like,” Oh, you don’t get dessert tonight,” or send you to bed without dinner, or some of those other what I feel are very outdated ideas, because we start this relationship then at a very young age with children and their food. And as we all know, that can be very detrimental when they’re older.

And so, little things, you know, like, “Oh, you were so great. Let’s take you out for ice cream,” those have a long-lasting impact on children as they get older. And I’ve seen this in literally thousands of clients over the years. Even myself, you know, I can look back, I remember my 8th birthday, no one remembered. My parents didn’t remember my birthday. And, you know, as an 8-year-old, that was really tough. I was expecting a little cake. And again, we didn’t really have money, so I wasn’t expecting any presents, but maybe just someone to acknowledge that it was my birthday would have been great. But that didn’t happen. And as a result, I had issues with that. I mean, I still struggle with it. Every year, my birthday rolls around, I’m like, “Where’s that cake? Give me that cake.” Because it’s just an emotional trigger inside of me. And I know, you know, how to choose and so on now. But that was something that, for me, was really tough. So, I think just the little things. Another thing I never do is, I never make my daughter eat her vegetables. I just don’t do that. She doesn’t see them any different than any other food on her plate because I’ve never made it a big deal.

This is gonna sound really, really crazy, but I don’t limit her sugar. She does. I think that children are so much smarter than we give them credit for. You know, just because they’re in smaller bodies than we are, sometimes we think maybe they’re not as wise, and I don’t think that’s true. I really believe that they know so much. And if we can create this intuitive eating pattern and this awareness in them when they’re young, letting them make their own decisions, educating them on why maybe this food will help you grow and be healthy and this food maybe not so much. That doesn’t mean the food is bad. It just means that you’re not gonna have the same benefits from eating that food as you would this one. It’s just that education process is really critical.

And so, I’ve educated her from the very beginning and now if she wants a little sweet, she has it, but she never overdoes it. Same thing, some night she’ll a ton of vegetables, some not so much. And that’s okay, sometimes that’s what I do, you know. But she has this really positive relationship. One other thing that I would recommend that I just saw work wonders with my daughter, Rain, as she started to get older, is letting her choose the foods and even if… We don’t have a garden, I wish we did. But having her, you know, pick fresh herbs that we grow or going out to where you, you know, you pick your own fruits and veggies, and letting her be involved in picking the berries off the vine, and bringing it home, and then cooking. That’s been really, really important. You know, if kids help you grow and harvest food, they’ll eat that food. You know, even if that food is kale, they’ll eat that food. And if they have a hand in cooking and preparing it, they take pride in that, they’ll eat that food, even if it’s a salad, you know. So, letting them just be actively involved, educating them from the very beginning, and then not passing on the reward and punishment paradox that were so wrapped up in maybe when we were younger or maybe got from our parents, those are some things that have been, you know, the most powerful in our family.

Katie: I think those are all such great tips. And that’s something that’s been an evolution for me as well, in my parenting. You know, early on when I was sick and I had Hashimoto’s, and was trying to figure out kind of how to get back to health myself, I had to be really strict with myself on avoiding certain foods. And the kids definitely, like, obviously at home, they saw that and they picked up on it a little bit. And now, I think it surprises a lot of people to know, I don’t actively limit their food choices either, especially when they’re somewhere else. Like, I do view it as my responsibility, like, when you’re in my house, I’m gonna make nutritious food because that’s my responsibility as a mom and that’s what we like. But I don’t give them hard and fast rules or guidelines when they’re somewhere else and I let them make those decisions because I don’t want food to ever seem like, like you said, like a reward or something forbidden. I want them to have the tools to be able to make those decisions and also to notice things, like, they don’t feel good when they eat too much sugar, rather than it being this, like, forbidden carrot that they want to go find. So, I think that’s really, really why is the approach you take with her. And I know she’s an exceptional young lady, so it seems to be working really well.

Cynthia: Well, thank you, I’m honestly just trying to keep up with you, if we’re being totally honest here. I just think that you’re such an amazing inspiration. And I’m always learning from you, how you parent your children, and how you show up for them. And one of the things that I love that you do is, you’re so empowering for them. And first of all, by being a really powerful example and showing up in the world the way that you do and being such a leader and an inspiration to so many others, but also the fact that you allow them to really stand in their own power, I think it’s one of the best things that I’ve seen mothers do and just seeing you as an example in that, and you being a guide for me, has been really, truly a blessing.

Katie: Oh, thank you for that. That means so much coming from you.

Katie: And I wanna make sure we also talk more about health coaching, because that was very much part of my journey. I originally had gone to school for journalism and I was thinking of, like, a political science career. And then when I realized that family was gonna be much more important to me and that I wanted to be a mom, but then also, went through my own health struggles, I really got into the nutrition side. And that was so much a part of my journey. And I know that it has been for quite a few of my really good friends as well. And I think it’s such an empowering option, like you just mentioned, for women, because it’s something that we can do in a flexible way and often from home. So, I wanna talk more about the practical side of Institute for Transformational Nutrition and how people can get involved with that. Because I think it is a way just like you and just like me, that people can start to make that positive ripple in the world and do something that’s empowering and fulfilling.

Cynthia: Yeah. I’d love to talk about that because, one, because there’s a huge demand for health coaches rght now, we’re seeing it everywhere. I mean, it has exploded and is expected to continue to do so. I mean, we’re looking at it being a $6 billion industry, which is amazing. I mean, right now, it is the number one. It’s number one in the fastest five growing highest paying jobs. It grew last year by 21%. And it’s predicted to grow by another 21% by 2022. And it’s interesting because that’s faster than any other industry is growing on average across the globe. So, it’s an exciting time and as you said, especially, for women. I was really glad when I had my health struggle that I landed on nutrition and coaching because it actually enabled me to be at home with my daughter then when she was born because I had become a coach, and I could have the flexibility and the freedom, and I could work with, you know, on my schedule, and sometimes on the weekends when my husband could be with our daughter. And it turns out, that’s when most people want coaching anyway because they’re working during the week.

So, evenings and weekends, I started just, you know, working and getting clients. But it’s a great option for moms because of that flexibility and because of the wisdom that you gain by becoming a coach that you can then use with your family. And for me, that has just been huge, you know, having this education, being able to get my family well. My husband had a whole thing about maybe a year or two ago with leaky gut and started having these severe allergic reactions to foods, like, going into anaphylactic shock and we’d have to rush him to the hospital. But the great thing about that is because I had the education and the background, I was able to put together a really strong protocol. We were able to heal his leaky gut using transformational nutrition and he hasn’t had any symptoms since.

So, the value that you also bring into your own family is tremendous. And we’re seeing so many people right now at the Institute of Transformational Nutrition, including, you know, moms, some new moms, some moms that their kids are in school now. And they wanna really contribute in a big way. They wanna have the health for their families. We’re also seeing a lot of women who are looking to change careers because, you know, they wanna set that great example for their children. They wanna show up in the world and do things that matter. They wanna contribute to that next generation, which is really important to us. As a matter of fact, we have a whole community called the transformation generation because we are coming together as coaches, determined to make the world better for our children. So, yeah, It’s such a great opportunity for moms right now if they’re interested in being a health coach.

Katie: Yeah, absolutely. Like, I think we’re at the perfect time for it with so much of this being, you know, in the mainstream right now and people starting to really understand why all of these things are so important and why the personalization aspect is so important. Also, talk a little bit more about the accreditation, because I know like you mentioned it, but that’s something that really does separate you guys from a lot of the other options.

Cynthia: Yeah, I’d love to. So, one of the things that we knew from the very beginning was that, you know, we have this really great method called transformational nutrition. And, you know, a lot of people talk about mind, body, spirit, but transformational nutrition is currently the only scientific study of health and wellness on multiple levels that includes, you know, the physical nutrition, the mental nutrition, which is so critical these days, and spiritual nutrition, which, you know, has nothing to do with religion necessarily, but it’s all about connection, you know, connection to others, connection to yourself, relationships, your bigger purpose, and your bigger mission. And so, we knew that this was something really special.

So, when we started our school, we looked around and we would hear stories from students coming to us saying, “Oh, you know, I went to this school and I was halfway through and they just shut down,” or, “I went to this school and found out they actually weren’t a school and I kind of have to start over.” And that was so tough to hear, Katie, because, you know, these people had put their faith and this trust in these certification programs, and they put their money, and they invested their time. And so, we decided to take it to that next level. So, we are actually a fully state-licensed school, fully licensed and accredited through the state of Washington. So, we are a post-secondary educational institute, just like any other school, any other university out there. And for us, that’s important, but it’s even more important for our students to have that credibility and to, you know, actually come from… I mean, we’re kind of known in the industry as the next level, sort of like this Ivy League. We’re full of forward thinkers and, you know, credible coaches, and it’s why our coaches get paid more, it’s why they have longer and more fulfilling careers, is because we take our education very seriously, as it should be.

Katie: Absolutely. And I know a lot of people listen to this podcast while driving or exercising, so, for any of you guys who are interested, well, actually, multiple links will be in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm. But also, if you are by a computer right now, the direct link is transformationalnutrition.com/wellnessmama. so you guys can start to learn more about what Cynthia is talking about. And like I said at the beginning, this is where I received my certification, and it was amazing and transformational, to use that word, for me. So, I highly recommend it for any of you who have asked me what I recommend when it comes to becoming a health coach or getting involved in this world. And Cynthia, like I said at the beginning too, I could talk to you all day and I feel like our time always just flies by because you’re so fun to talk to, but a couple of questions I love to ask toward the end. First being, if there’s a book or a number of books that have really changed your life and if so, what they are and why?

Cynthia: Oh, gosh. So, I’m a voracious reader. It’s true. I’d rather read than eat, Katie, I swear. Just reading feeds me, you know, getting back to those deepest hungers. But there was a book that I found that really did radically change my life. When I first started my healing journey, I’d enrolled in this program that I shared. I just decided I didn’t know anything about healing my life. And strangely enough, I went to the bookstore and found the book called “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay, and I know you’re familiar with it. And it’s sort of like a good starter book, I say, for people who are interested in looking at what feeds you more than food, and looking at how your past trauma, and past pain, or maybe a troubled relationship with parents can be overcome, how you can really find your worth, and find your purpose, and your mission. And, you know, Louise Hay, who wrote the book, had her own struggle, her own health struggle. She was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier in her life and her career and was able to essentially heal her life. But I love it because it talks about, you know, our physical ailments and how they’re really tied to our deeper emotional trauma and triggers and what’s going on in our lives. So, that was huge for me, getting started and, again, just that great, you know, like, lowest level book to start with, but also one that’s so powerful, so don’t underestimate it. That was huge for me. Also, anything by Ram Dass, he’s definitely my greatest spiritual teacher. He’s amazing. You know, starting with “A Journey to Awakening,” it’s a great book to begin with. If you’re looking for a more spiritual and emotional journey, that’s always a great place to start. But yeah, those are some of my two, two of the ones I’d recommend to start.

Katie: I love those and those will be in the show notes as well for any of you listening. Lastly, Cynthia, is there any parting advice you wanna leave with our audience today, if related to our topic today or not, just any parting advice you wanna leave?

Cynthia: So, you know, I get asked this question a lot too. I don’t really give people advice, Katie, and I’ll tell you why. The truth is, I find that when I do they seldom take it anyway. And besides, I really believe that people already know what they wanna do in their lives. I think people know what advice they would give themselves. I think they know the right next step. I think that deep down they know. We all know. Like, I could give advice all day, but really what I want people to do is stop going outside of themselves and looking to the gurus, and the experts, and the authors, and the whatever the titles are, thought leaders, influencers, and really reconnect with yourself because I believe you have all the answers you need inside of you. And you might say, “Oh, but I don’t.” But I believe you do. I believe when we get quiet and we put the phones down, and we step away from all the distractions that numb us out from our daily life, I believe that we can hear, I believe we can hear what our body needs. I believe we can hear what our heart needs. I believe we can hear what our soul needs.

So, I’d rather give people the tools to really drill down and discover those wants and, you know, figure out what they’re really hungry for so they can then go feed themselves. Sometimes I think advice is disempowering, right? I’d rather you find those answers inside yourself so that you take back that power and use that to leverage and move you forward. Does that make sense? I’m not trying to avoid answering the question, I’m just rather inviting everyone to ask themselves that question. What advice would they give themselves? What is the next step? What do they need to do in their lives to really live the one that they want to be living? I’d rather we all take that on that personal mission for ourselves. It’s a much, much sweeter journey.

Katie: I agree. And I think that’s a perfect place to wrap up. And like I said, I highly, highly recommend the Institute for Transformational Nutrition, and all those links will be in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm. I definitely hope you guys will check it out. And Cynthia, I know how busy you are and how many people you help on a daily basis, so I’m honored you took the time to be here today.

Cynthia: Yeah. Thank you, Katie. It really is all my pleasure. Again, you’re such a light in my life. And just, yeah, thank you for all the support you offer, especially around, you know, ITN. You’ve done so much great things, so many great things with your education, and you’re such an inspiration. So, thank you, again, for just letting me be a part of your world.

Katie: Oh, thank you, Cynthia. And thanks to all of you for listening and sharing your most valuable asset, your time, with both of us today. We’re so glad that you did, and I hope that you will join me again on the next episode of “The Wellness Mama” podcast.

If you’re enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to leave a rating or review on iTunes for me? Doing this helps more people to find the podcast, which means even more moms and families could benefit from the information. I really appreciate your time, and thanks as always for listening.

Source: https://wellnessmama.com/podcast/transformational-nutrition/

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mryddinwilt · 8 years ago

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I hope you get that photo-op with Colin! But I HAVE to ask - how did you manage to lose 115 pounds? How long did it take you? What did you do? Thank you

Oh hey Nonnie this is something I have been thinking about talking about but also feeling kinda weird about because it feels like bragging to just make a post. So thanks for giving me an excuse! It got a little wordy so I’ll give you the too long didn’t read and you can click through if you are interested in the whole story.

TL:DR- Didn’t think I could lose weight but lost 115 pounds in 10 months, regulated my hormones, cleared up psoriasis, came out of depression, and got healthier overall thanks to Whole30 and Autoimmune Protocol.

I have struggled with weight my whole life. While in the Army I kept weight gain at bay with lots of physical exercise and carefully counted calories. You can and will get kicked out of the Army for being overweight so it wasn’t really an option to gain. Even with all that the scale would keep ticking up and I just figured my body was the kind that gained weight. When in actuality it was hormone disregulation, autoimmune disease, and adrenal fatigue that was playing havoc with not just my weight but my emotions and overall health.

When I got out of the Army and figured out that all the intense workouts were actually hurting me (I am talking HIIT’s and Crossfit) I stopped and of course the scale went up. Then came the depression and lots of other stuff that I won’t go into but which resulted in a very heavy, very unhappy, very unhealthy, very in denial me. It was in this state that I took my photo op with Colin and it was crying over that photo that made me realize something needed to change.

Just after the convention I saw an amazing before and after photo on Facebook of a friend of my sisters who had lost a lot of weight. He was thanking her for introducing him to Whole30 and singing it’s praises. Now my sister had been trying to talk to me about Whole30 for awhile but I didn’t want to listen. I thought I knew my body and I knew that trying to lose weight was a ridiculously long and hard process and in my depressed state I wasn’t interested in trying. But now I was searching for an answer and I went to the website and read up on the program.

It’s all online or you can buy their book but essentially it’s an elimination diet that cuts out foods that most people can be sensitive too (all grains, dairy, legumes) as well as eliminating processed sugars for 30 days. Compared to working out 2 hours a day and eating 1300 calories (most of them in the form of protein shakes) it seemed almost too easy. The program is about health not weight loss. I was interested in better health and the reversal of my autoimmune symptoms, which Whole30 was supposed to help with. I have psoriasis and thyroid dysfunction that had not responded to medication. I decided I would do it for the health benefits and for my autoimmune conditions. I had zero hope that I would lose weight because I just knew my body wasn’t capable of it without hard workouts and calorie restriction. I didn’t step on a scale or take measurements but I did take a swimsuit picture just in case.

The funny thing is that I actually don’t know if I have really lost 115 pounds. That’s my conservative estimate based on the last time I got on a scale (about 8 months before Whole30). It’s possible I have lost maybe up to 130 pounds. Now of course I wish I had weighed but at the time it felt pointless. I didn’t think I would ever lose the weight, that losing the weight was impossible. I am happy to be wrong.

My Whole30 started on May 1st last year. I did it for 45 days and then transitioned to an autoimmune protocol elimination diet which is actually more restrictive but better for helping with autoimmune issues. I did not get on a scale until the end of July and only at the insistence of my parents because they wanted me to see that I had lost weight. I didn’t think I had and didn’t really care because my skin was clearing up, I was sleeping better, I had emerged from the fog of depression, I was happy and that was far more important than the weight. I came to realize that I was fat because I was sick not the other way around.

My parents did Whole30 with me and saw similar benefits. My dad lost 45 pounds and was able to go off his ulcerative colitis medication after 15 years of struggling with it. My mom has lost 50 pounds and has been sleeping through the night for the first time in decades. They are both in their 60′s and have so much more energy and health that my siblings are constantly talking about it. Neither of them have gone back to their old way of eating. My dad added back dairy though because he can’t live without milk and yogurt and lucky for him his body doesn’t react to it.

Doing Whole30 required a lot of learning new recipes and a lot of cooking at first. But after the first two weeks (the detox period) I never felt really deprived or desperate for foods I used to enjoy. I eat good food that I love and it loves me back. Sometimes I get frustrated that the world is not built for people who don’t want added sugar or other harmful things in their diet but I don’t want to eat those things. Sometimes I get triggered by stress and suddenly want a Snickers but I am realizing that is more about emotional eating and self-soothing not about the food itself.

I could literally talk for hours about what I have learned about myself and about food and how important it is for overall health. In offline life I am probably annoying to be around but I feel like I have discovered something amazing and I want to share it with people. Because I know it can change their life too!

I have helped about a dozen people do Whole30 and I am 100% willing to talk to anyone who wants to pick my brain about it or the autoimmune protocol. It’s something I am really passionate about and so thanks again Nonnie for giving me the chance to talk about it!

#whole30 #autoimmune protocol #mryddinwilt overshares #mryddinwilt talks about health #it feels good to get that all out #hey nonnie nonnie #ask mryddinwilt

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readbookywooks · 8 years ago

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“Smartest thing you’ve said in a week.” Minho righted himself from leaning on the wall, hit Alby on the arm, then started walking toward the Homestead with a slight limp. He spoke over his shoulder as he shuffled away—it looked like his whole body was in pain. “I should go back out there, but screw it. I’m gonna go eat some of Frypan’s nasty casserole.”

Thomas felt a wash of disappointment. He had to admit Minho did look like he deserved a rest and a bite to eat, but he wanted to learn more.

Then Alby turned to Thomas, surprising him. “If you know something and ain’t tellin’ me …”

Thomas was sick of being accused of knowing things. Wasn’t that the problem in the first place? He didn’t know anything. He looked at the boy square in the face and asked, simply, “Why do you hate me so much?”

The look that came over Alby’s face was indescribable—part confusion, part anger, part shock. “Hate you? Boy, you ain’t learned nothin’ since showing up in that Box. This ain’t got nothin’ to do with no hate or like or love or friends or anything. All we care about is surviving. Drop your sissy side and start using that shuck brain if you got one.”

Thomas felt like he’d been slapped. “But … why do you keep accusing—”

“Cuz it can’t be a coincidence, slinthead! You pop in here, then we get us a girl Newbie the next day, a crazy note, Ben tryin’ to bite ya, dead Grievers. Something’s goin’ on and I ain’t restin’ till I figure it out.”

“I don’t know anything, Alby.” It felt good to put some heat into his words. “I don’t even know where I was three days ago, much less why this Minho guy would find a dead thing called a Griever. So back off!”

Alby leaned back slightly, stared absently at Thomas for several seconds. Then he said, “Slim it, Greenie. Grow up and start thinkin’. Ain’t got nothin’ to do with accusing nobody of nothin’. But if you remember anything, if something even seems familiar, you better start talking. Promise me.”

Not until I have a solid memory, Thomas thought. Not unless I want to share. “Yeah, I guess, but—”

“Just promise!”

Thomas paused, sick of Alby and his attitude. “Whatever,” he finally said. “I promise.”

At that Alby turned and walked away, not saying another word.

Thomas found a tree in the Deadheads, one of the nicer ones on the edge of the forest with plenty of shade. He dreaded going back to work with Winston the Butcher and knew he needed to eat lunch, but he didn’t want to be near anybody for as long as he could get away with it. Leaning back against the thick trunk, he wished for a breeze but didn’t get one.

He’d just felt his eyelids droop when Chuck ruined his peace and quiet.

“Thomas! Thomas!” the boy shrieked as he ran toward him, pumping his arms, his face lit up with excitement.

Thomas rubbed his eyes and groaned; he wanted nothing in the world more than a half-hour nap. It wasn’t until Chuck stopped right in front of him, panting to catch his breath, that he finally looked up. “What?”

Words slowly fell from Chuck, in between his gasps for breath. “Ben … Ben … he isn’t … dead.”

All signs of fatigue catapulted out of Thomas’s system. He jumped up to stand nose to nose with Chuck. “What?”

“He … isn’t dead. Baggers went to get him … arrow missed his brain … Med-jacks patched him up.”

Thomas turned away to stare into the forest where the sick boy had attacked him just the night before. “You gotta be kidding. I saw him….” He wasn’t dead? Thomas didn’t know what he felt most strongly: confusion, relief, fear that he’d be attacked again …

“Well, so did I,” Chuck said. “He’s locked up in the Slammer, a huge bandage covering half his head.”

Thomas spun to face Chuck again. “The Slammer? What do you mean?”

“The Slammer. It’s our jail on the north side of the Homestead.” Chuck pointed in that direction. “They threw him in it so fast, the Med-jacks had to patch him up in there.”

Thomas rubbed his eyes. Guilt consumed him when he realized how he truly felt—he’d been relieved that Ben was dead, that he didn’t have to worry about facing him again. “So what are they gonna do with him?”

“Already had a Gathering of the Keepers this morning—made a unanimous decision by the sounds of it. Looks like Ben’ll be wishing that arrow had found a home inside his shuck brain after all.”

Thomas squinted, confused by what Chuck had said. “What are you talking about?”

“He’s being Banished. Tonight, for trying to kill you.”

“Banished? What does that mean?” Thomas had to ask, though he knew it couldn’t be good if Chuck thought it was worse than being dead.

And then Thomas saw perhaps the most disturbing thing he’d seen since he’d arrived at the Glade. Chuck didn’t answer; he only smiled. Smiled, despite it all, despite the sinister sound of what he’d just announced. Then he turned and ran, maybe to tell someone else the exciting news.

That night, Newt and Alby gathered every last Glader at the East Door about a half hour before it closed, the first traces of twilight’s dimness creeping across the sky. The Runners had just returned and entered the mysterious Map Room, clanging the iron door shut; Minho had already gone in earlier. Alby told the Runners to hurry about their business—he wanted them back out in twenty minutes.

It still bothered Thomas how Chuck had smiled when breaking the news about Ben being Banished. Though he didn’t know exactly what it meant, it certainly didn’t sound like a good thing. Especially since they were all standing so close to the Maze. Are they going to put him out there? he wondered. With the Grievers?

The other Gladers murmured their conversations in hushed tones, an intense feeling of dreadful anticipation hanging over them like a patch of thick fog. But Thomas said nothing, standing with arms folded, waiting for the show. He stood quietly until the Runners finally came out of their building, all of them looking exhausted, their faces pinched from deep thinking. Minho had been the first to exit, which made Thomas wonder if he was the Keeper of the Runners.

“Bring him out!” Alby shouted, startling Thomas out of his thoughts.

His arms fell to his sides as he turned, looking around the Glade for a sign of Ben, trepidation building within him as he wondered what the boy would do when he saw him.

From around the far side of the Homestead, three of the bigger boys appeared, literally dragging Ben along the ground. His clothes were tattered, barely hanging on; a bloody, thick bandage covered half his head and face. Refusing to put his feet down or help the progress in any way, he seemed as dead as the last time Thomas had seen him. Except for one thing.

His eyes were open, and they were wide with terror.

“Newt,” Alby said in a much quieter voice; Thomas wouldn’t have heard him if he hadn’t been standing just a few feet away. “Bring out the Pole.”

Newt nodded, already on the move toward a small tool shed used for the Gardens; he’d clearly been waiting for the order.

Thomas turned his focus back to Ben and the guards. The pale, miserable boy still made no effort to resist, letting them drag him across the dusty stone of the courtyard. When they reached the crowd, they pulled Ben to his feet in front of Alby, their leader, where Ben hung his head, refusing to make eye contact with anyone.

“You brought this on yourself, Ben,” Alby said. Then he shook his head and looked toward the shack to which Newt had gone.

Thomas followed his gaze just in time to see Newt walk though the slanted door. He was holding several aluminum poles, connecting the ends to make a shaft maybe twenty feet long. When he was finished, he grabbed something odd-shaped on one of the ends and dragged the whole thing along toward the group. A shiver ran up Thomas’s spine at the metallic scrape of the pole on the stone ground as Newt walked.

Thomas was horrified by the whole affair—he couldn’t help feeling responsible even though he’d never done anything to provoke Ben.

How was any of this his fault? No answer came to him, but he felt the guilt all the same, like a disease in his blood.

Finally, Newt stepped up to Alby and handed over the end of the pole he was holding. Thomas could see the strange attachment now. A loop of rough leather, fastened to the metal with a massive staple. A large button snap revealed that the loop could be opened and closed, and its purpose became obvious.

It was a collar.

CHAPTER 14

Thomas watched as Alby unbuttoned the collar, then wrapped it around Ben’s neck; Ben finally looked up just as the loop of leather snapped closed with a loud pop. Tears glistened in his eyes; dribbles of snot oozed from his nostrils. The Gladers looked on, not a word from any of them.

“Please, Alby,” Ben pleaded, his shaky voice so pathetic that Thomas couldn’t believe it was the same guy who’d tried to bite his throat off the day before. “I swear I was just sick in the head from the Changing. I never would’ve killed him—just lost my mind for a second. Please, Alby, please.”

Every word from the kid was like a fist punching Thomas in the gut, making him feel more guilty and confused.

Alby didn’t respond to Ben; he pulled on the collar to make sure it was both firmly snapped and solidly attached to the long pole. He walked past Ben and along the pole, picking it up off the ground as he slid its length through his palm and fingers. When he reached the end, he gripped it tightly and turned to face the crowd. Eyes bloodshot, face wrinkled in anger, breathing heavily—to Thomas, he suddenly looked evil.

And it was an odd sight on the other side: Ben, trembling, crying, a roughly cut collar of old leather wrapped around his pale, scrawny neck, attached to a long pole that stretched from him to Alby, twenty feet away. The shaft of aluminum bowed in the middle, but only a little. Even from where Thomas was standing, it looked surprisingly strong.

Alby spoke in a loud, almost ceremonious voice, looking at no one and everyone at the same time. “Ben of the Builders, you’ve been sentenced to Banishment for the attempted murder of Thomas the Newbie. The Keepers have spoken, and their word ain’t changing. And you ain’t coming back. Ever.” A long pause. “Keepers, take your place on the Banishment Pole.”

Thomas hated that his link to Ben was being made public—hated the responsibility he felt. Being the center of attention again could only bring more suspicion about him. His guilt transformed into anger and blame. More than anything, he just wanted Ben gone, wanted it all to be over.

One by one, boys were stepping out of the crowd and walking over to the long pole; they grabbed it with both hands, gripped it as if readying for a tug-of-war match. Newt was one of them, as was Minho, confirming Thomas’s guess that he was the Keeper of the Runners. Winston the Butcher also took up a position.

Once they were all in place—ten Keepers spaced evenly apart between Alby and Ben—the air grew still and silent. The only sounds were the muffled sobs of Ben, who kept wiping at his nose and eyes. He was looking left and right, though the collar around his neck prevented him from seeing the pole and Keepers behind him.

Thomas’s feelings changed again. Something was obviously wrong with Ben. Why did he deserve this fate? Couldn’t something be done for him? Would Thomas spend the rest of his days feeling responsible? Just end, he screamed in his head. Just be over!

“Please,” Ben said, his voice rising in desperation. “Pllllleeeeeeeeease! Somebody, help me! You can’t do this to me!”

“Shut up!” Alby roared from behind.

But Ben ignored him, pleading for help as he started to pull on the leather looped around his neck. “Someone stop them! Help me! Please!” He glanced from boy to boy, begging with his eyes. Without fail, everyone looked away. Thomas quickly stepped behind a taller boy to avoid his own confrontation with Ben. I can’t look into those eyes again, he thought.

“If we let shanks like you get away with that stuff,” Alby said, “we never would’ve survived this long. Keepers, get ready.”

“No, no, no, no, no,” Ben was saying, half under his breath. “I swear I’ll do anything! I swear I’ll never do it again! Pllllleeeeeee—”

His shrill cry was cut off by the rumbling crack of the East Door beginning to close. Sparks flew from the stone as the massive right wall slid to the left, groaning thunderously as it made its journey to close off the Glade from the Maze for the night. The ground shook beneath them, and Thomas didn’t know if he could watch what he knew was going to happen next.

“Keepers, now!” Alby shouted.

Ben’s head snapped back as he was jerked forward, the Keepers pushing the pole toward the Maze outside the Glade. A strangling cry erupted from Ben’s throat, louder than the sounds of the closing Door. He fell to his knees, only to be jerked back to his feet by the Keeper in front, a thick guy with black hair and a snarl on his face.

“Noooooooooo!” Ben screamed, spit flying from his mouth as he thrashed about, tearing at the collar with his hands. But the combined strength of the Keepers was way too much, forcing the condemned boy closer and closer to the edge of the Glade, just as the right wall was almost there. “Noooo!” he screamed again, and then again.

He tried to plant his feet at the threshold, but it only lasted for a split second; the pole sent him into the Maze with a lurch. Soon he was fully four feet outside the Glade, jerking his body from side to side as he tried to escape his collar. The walls of the Door were only seconds from sealing shut.

#MazeRunner

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