#thought it would be the other way round
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Sometimes, I'm sad about the hobbies I have abandoned or have been too intimidated to pick up. But... what good is it, to just beat myself up over that? My bass is sitting in the corner, patiently waiting, and so is everything else. My life isn't over, and I've got nothing to answer to. I'm wading through a sea of time, and I'll pick up the seashells that interest me, and it's okay to put one back in the sand. The current's waves will bring it back to me if that is to be destiny. I can not hate myself into productivity, so I must swim on.
I think the same can apply to anybody. It's okay if you have dropped something, such as a hobby or passion. Human beings are like that sometimes, it isn't reasonable for you to beat yourself into submission. You, too, can not hate yourself into being a well-rounded person. You must cultivate it like you would a garden - with patience, time, and care.
#positivity#encouraging words#i feel like so often people will try to hate themselves into being 'better' people...#...like fitness for instance. so many people slog through fitness not because they are interested in moving their body...#..but because they are told they must do [x] workout or look [y] way...#...and so it becomes a chore that is a means to an end. but... is that how we ought to live you think?#like i go to the gym because it's FUN. i go there to have FUN. i do what is enjoyable there!#i don't worry about anything but if i am doing a weightlife correctly (for safety) and if i am moving and having fun#why would i go to the gym if i am not having fun? fun is a *human need* regardless of age!#we are wired to do fun things - to seek out pleasure. why should we surpress that?#a well-rounded person is somebody who can be in-tune with their feelings and can recognize what is enjoyable...#...and not only that but to not feel *bad* about their feelings or needs changing (this is - at least - my opinion)#i thought this was an interesting conversation and something i sometimes struggle with and see others struggle with
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i dont like when character being blunt/having no filter = character just being Mean, and im trying to find a good balance with that for Talon. I guess it's not that hard since he's not an (active) overthinker and I have drawn him saying things he considers neutral that seem rude to others...I guess I have to find a way to show the opposite, too
#talkys#oc text#active overthinker bc he does have mindsets that would be Overthinking but theyre more like#''the brain fell to this conclusion'' vs ''this conclusion was arrived at after hrs of thinking''#also the balance would be because he of course does have to at least consider his words often#and i know there are things he doesnt want to reveal to others‚ or sometimes he doesnt Want to say things that could#influence someones emotions in one way or another#but i think thats solved by the ''neutral (to him) statement'' part of it#just like when i drew him saying smunker's face was really round (to smunker himself)#skunker took that as an insult but talon was just Stating Observation#similarly Talon would have to strain certain compliments to people he enjoys through clenched teeth sometimes#due to the vulnerability of it all of course#but we could also just go the ''It's Just An Observation he states neutrally‚ without thinking'' route here#except received positively#i think thats harder for ME the writer to figure out tho bc im the overthinker#and also positive stuff harder to keep neutral and surface level#maybe it rly just is thinking vs unthinking#catching self thinking about complimenting al = why would i embarrass myself this way#the words simply escaping before the thought catches up‚ without being too detailed‚ solely#based off of what he's observing at that moment = ✅#also dont get me wrong talon IS purposefully mean pretty often LOL but i didnt want that sole connection to Being Blunt#ok gn yey ^_^
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ObiKaka chronological game of noughts n crosses <3
board is
X O X
O O X
O X O
they both suck! ^-^
#if you have questions on what classifies as either you can ask bc i also got confused on where the line is-#ALSO I KNOW CROSSES GOES FIRST#AND CROSSES HAS FEWER#this took me days to collect the scenes that *I* thought worked. this is subjective. i did not 'decide' a winner#i didnt even think there was going to be a winner. i assumed that the images would line up so there was no possible winner.#some of these are mental damages not physical since. theyre obviously not always hurting each other physically onviously#b#obikaka#😇 pls dont hate me :(#EDIT I HAD SOMETHING THE WRONG WAY WRONG WAY ROUND IGNORE SOME OF THR TAGS THERE WAS NO WINNER ^-^
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Another bonus throw-away poll because Breaking Dawn - Part 2 still has a short soundtrack!
#the twilight saga#twilight#twilight soundtrack#twilight poll#if you're wondering where a thousand years went to fear not!#it will be in the next round#bd pt2 just had a funky number of songs and i thought the simplest way to iron that out would be to push one of the songs ahead to round 3#and that one's poll in round 1 got quite a bit more votes than any of the others from bd pt 2 so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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finally finished orv after two years . . . what do i do with my life now
#started in junior year hs dropped it for a while then started reading again at the start of this semester and now im finally done !#dont know whether to cheer or just crumple up and start crying bc wow that was a ride#i thought the ending was tragic but then i moved on to the epilogue and oh my godd#the way kdj was crying and miserable bc he missed his companions and he wanted to be with them so Badly#but when kimcom finally Finally chase him down and come back to him theyre too late and hes already disspitated into other world lines#and after that like. whenever kdj pulls some shit and dies the next chapter always starts with an ‘i’#and hes back and alive and kicking and Thinking but after that epilogue chapter there isnt a chapter in his pov theres no more ‘i’s and.#it just made me incredibly sad bc we dont get to see his pov ever again bc hes truly gone unless we as a reader can imagine him alive again#anyways sad things aside it is Incredibly funny that lee hyunsung just became a wanted man in the 1865th round lmaoo#+ uriel sun wukong and black flame dragon forming a band together ??? truly the most randomest thing in the epilogue#++ yoohankim need to stop beating the shit out of e/o and learn to talk their feelings out Please#+++ sooyoung’s love for dokja has me miserable o-|-< she would wait for him an eternity write for him an eternity im so sad#three times she endlessly wrote a novel for him to read three times she waited to see him for so long <//3#you bet im imagining the happiest conclusion i can for them#they WILL live happily ever after in that big house together as long as i have something to say about it!#orv
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i think something people forget about pink diamond is that she had compassion for life long before she went to earth
the pebbles assume steven is pink not because of his gem or aura but just because he says ‘hello’ and ‘thank you’ to them, a basic common courtesy that nobody else has given them in thousands of years
in steven’s pink visions, blue is yelling at pink about the little bugs she let loose on homeworld. when one of them is found in her cell, she is quick to check it’s okay before helping it out of the room. even before encountering humans she valued organic life.
even the garden, the setting of pink’s cruellest moment, is proof of her care for organic life. Unlike every other part of homeworld, the garden is teeming with plant-life, which was kept healthy enough that it continued to grow even after pink abandoned it. the only other homeworld structure that tends to organic life is the human zoo. who’s to say the garden wasn’t another attempt by the other diamonds to placate pink after she expressed concern for the life on one of their colonies? or maybe pink picked the plants herself from the many different colonies she visited and grew them there.
pink wasn’t perfect. she had a bad habit of acting on her emotions and impulses without considering the consequences of her actions, and she hurt a lot of people because of it. but she considered all life precious and worth protecting, it just wasn’t until she had a colony of her own that she fully understood that the expansion of homeworld was intrinsically linked to the destruction of life, and the moment she realised that is the moment she stood against it.
#steven universe#su pink diamond#this post is almost 5 years too late lol#like padparadscha by the time my thoughts have found their way from my brain to my mouth the moment is long gone#but a hot take is a hot take even if it’s been in a slow cooker#i just think people are sleeping on the pebbles and the scene with the little rainbow catipillar#there always seemed to be a sentiment that pink was an inherently cruel person and that she didn’t care about anything before earth?#and that her care for life was either superficial or out of left field#but something my brain keeps rotating round is that she was always like this she always cared for other life forms but never took them#seriously. she always cared about them but never really paid close attention to how they were. and it was something she learnt off of the#other diamonds who treated her exactly the same as she treated everybody else. they loved her but they didn’t understand her and they#never made an effort to change that. and they never thought about how their actions made her feel or whether she was responding to their#own outbursts and emotions. and she never considered how her actions would make other people feel.#she didn’t think how her screaming would hurt volleyball until it happened. she didn’t consider how all-encompassing her orders to spinel#and pearl and potentially garnet were. she didn’t think about how spinel would be hurt by being left behind and quite frankly i do think#she completely forgot spinel existed once she became preoccupied with saving earth which is horrible but also makes total sense for her#character who from creation was taught that other gems were worth less than her and that they existed only to serve her or her fellow#diamonds; and as somebody who was used to the concept of being left behind and abandoned whenever the people she cared about got bored#or annoyed with her. it hurts but it’s a part of life to her. what she didn’t consider js that her words are law and she left spinel with#no free-will. she left pearl physically unable to share important information and solve the problems she left behind.#and she doesn’t consider how her death will make others feel - she doesn’t think the diamonds will care that she dies but they do and they#murder all of her friends except for two. she thinks the crystal gems will be fine without her if she says goodbye to become steven but#they aren’t and a good portion of the show is about the gems grief and how it creates an unstable environment for steven to grow up in#consistently pink diamond was taught her feelings didn’t matter and was made to feel nobody cared about her if they weren’t compelled to#and that compiled with the privileged position she was formed into made her an insecure spoiled brat who had no comprehension that her#choices could hurt people around her#did she ever even consider that the diamonds were grieving her? or did she think it was just another action of violence to exert control?#i don’t think i’ll ever be over pink diamond#funnily enough steven has a similar problem e.g. sadie’s talent show and when connie was upset he gave himself up to homeworld#but that’s a discussion for when i’m not at tag limit lol
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yknow what minor transient detail abt s4 is fun to me? prior to john's reveal, noel apparently assumes the KIY to be a totally unfamiliar character to them both. he pauses his story to give background info on him ("he rules the dreamlands, he's a master manipulator, etc") in a way he doesn't with other stuff. he points out yellow like "that's the bitch btw. if you were curious." which is. like he knows they were in the dreamlands. i think he knows or at least assumes they were in the pits for a while given they ran into lorick. what does he think they were doing there. just. passing through??
#the nemesis speaks#mv liveblog#malevolent spoilers#like it's not SUCH an unreasonable assumption especially with arthur doing his level best to Not React in a way that will draw suspicion#+ lorick says the KIY doesn't even know he's down there so you can get to the pits by other means#but like. not just to have not directly interacted with the king but to be completely unfamiliar with him as a concept?? ?#that i feel would strike him as kind of odd. what does he imagine is up with them.#i would pay money for a genuine cards on the table conversation btwn them all that doesn't happen at gunpoint#relatedly a lot of The Order is fun from noel's pov#the point where arthur has to hard stop to remind john where they are and what's happening for one.#and he's just gotta be like hm. okay. that's. deeply concerning but i don't think we have time to get into it right now#also the part where art starts addressing yellow as. well. ''yellow.'' like making it obvious they know each other already#i just think it's funny that noel still doesn't know shit fuck about what's happened in the rest of the podcast#but now he's finding out apparently arthur's had two totally separate fragments of the king in his head at different points? and he's fine?#and one of them has beef with him?? and he's talking DOWN to it?? he's... apologizing for... fucking up... raising..... it....?? ? ?#round of applause for noel's ability to Just Roll With It everyone#like god. he thought he was facing down with the all-powerful source of ten years of hardcore trauma#and then arthur's just like. every fragment of the king in this room answers to me. i'm gonna antagonize one of em into manifesting#just for the hell of it. just so i can have a lil chat. because i can do that easily and with zero fear of repercussions.#hi fragment of the Fucking KIY that i gave a stupid nickname and apparently feel some kind of responsibility for.#what do u think noel thought abt that. i feel like he probably thought it was kinda hot#hm. these tags are getting away from me a bit. this is kind of me liveblogging a transcript reread. i'm gonna stop now
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Song of the Day: December 9
"Allies or Enemies" by the Crane Wives
#song of the day#today class we will be discussing a tale of human suffering#so I mentioned yesterday how 'Slow Ride' by Foghat was the song of the day because of how the first ninety seconds were continuous-looping#alright yeah so now imagine me sitting shotgun as we drive half an hour to the movie theater#(to see Godzilla Minus One. it was bitchin I do very very recommend)#and the boys are discussing the latest construction along our highway#which has been a topic of great consideration for me actually#--I had a thought about erosion patterns and groundworks the other day and I went on a whole research spiral#downloaded some guy's doctoral research and all. we know how the research spirals go--#anyway this is a topic I would have loved to weigh in on!#but instead every mental width of band I had was dedicated to my subconscious' dogged insistence#that the assonance and emphasis and rhythm of 'are we allies or enemies' and 'slow ride / take it easy' were similar enough#that I should be able to find a way to match them up to one another's backings#so the boys were like 'Alexis what do you think of those pylons' and I was trying so so so hard to answer#(I think they're moving the I-95 interchange ramps entirely and adding a new lane over--y'all can't see me point. it's over there though)#I was trying so hard to answer but it was like a little cartoon man trying to climb up a rockslide#except the man is my answer about the bridges for the interstate ramps#and all the comically round rocks ponking off his forehead were different ways a person might be able to scrunch and/or stretch syllables#to fit the choruses of these two songs over one another. 'are we slow ride guitar sounds death of mee'#anyway yeah! I've got all these little focusing tricks painstakingly cultivated over three decades of ADD and living with little siblings#and now we know they can all every single one be absolutely obliterated by the lightest application of a single classic Foghat song
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Something I want to build on with vincent at some point is how much the years of being an adventurer has taken a toll on him. he spent so long just being angry at the world but as he gets closer and closer to carteneau he does start recognizing how reckless he's been and the mistakes he's made over the years. friendships (especially with layla and nhea) helping him get a little closer to how he used to be before finally stopping and trying to do better for himself when he loses his leg. and the fact that guilt has really solidified in him to still make him push himself in his healing rather than combat (though sometimes still pushing himself too far) and how the years of treating himself like a weapon have taken a toll on his mind (he has terrible nightmares that only a select few have been able to help him through it)
#look at me building on vincent more#though this stuff isn't actually new and i'm pretty sure i've mentioned some of it before#but i'd like to round it out more#like nhea being his first friend after leaving gridania that wasn't just a one off working together#or how his and gaius's relationship started because of that mutual understanding of wanting to be better even if their reasons differed#little things like that mainly because i honestly really like how. varied his personality can be#he's usually really calm and collected but now and then he makes some really reckless moves that's more akin to his WoL days#finding ways to make the nightmares easier to more avoidable ranging from meditation to a good solid support at his back#the support being a literal wall sometimes when he was still traveling alone or sharing a cot with gaius when he joins up with them#that bit of safety making a bigger difference than he would've expected though it's not always perfect#i have had thoughts on the zodiark fight because he gets stuck as a tank with a weapon he's not overly familiar with#and that ends up with his leg getting busted up and cid and nero being a little too busy to fix it so he's relegated to helping other ways#which would tie in my idea of his crutches being able to act as a conjurer's staff >:3#my little moon expedition team ends up being the main squad of raya nhea layla and vincent#not sure where einar is at the time since he was in garlemald maybe staying back to help people? probably?#but yea it's 2 monks a white mage and a lancer with a gunblade so goes about as well as you'd expect lol#raya and nhea are both paladins as well so i guess technically one of them could tank instead but hey#this wasn't supposed to be a ramble in the tags kinda post but here we are
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ugh I have drawing ideas I want to work on but I'm also so fucking tired and probably need to just lay down but I've already had to lay down so much today and I want to actually do shit
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#<- mild vent but still#I will probably just finish some snacks and then lay down but god I want to draw#I've been meaning to work on art for like the last few days and haven't gotten round to it and I keep being too worn out#but also our tourette's is flaring up in a way that's making it difficult to do stuff like typing#and would definitely make drawing really difficult and frustrating so I'm better off not trying to push through that#especially on top of being in a fatigue flare from going outside the other day#I'll go find something nice to listen to maybe and then lay in the dark and get cosy#might as well find something relaxing to do if we're too worn out for anything else#I am probably gonna be thinking about stuff I want to draw though
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Need that convention irl proposal from a Vaggie cosplayer to a Charlie cosplayer I just saw a video of but for myself. Idc which one I cosplay as. Am also willing to be Spidey and proposed to by someone I love cosplaying Deadpool.
#I'm genderfluid and gay that way#Where's the progressive silly goblin person who wants to travel and have cats and have inside jokes with meeee#Look I've done the proposals I did a fake best friend proposal in HS to Nicole which was discussed previously and went over swimmingly#I sold my soul to a guy for a cup of coffee once#I proposed to my other best friend in the library at Harvard (I meant it he thought it was a joke)#and I proposed to my ex and that was a long term disaster fire#SO yes I'd like it the other way round and for realsies forever next time#Oh I almost forgot I also got on one knee with a letter and clay flowers to ask my gf to senior prom in senior year of HS#they were concerned as a junior that nobody would ask them and they'd miss out since all their friends were seniors#But in reality I was dating them and I had to beat out no less than two of my friends who goaded me by saying THEY'D ask my intended#I'm a... some kind of person
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#The hetalia to trans pipeline is getting a tad too fuckin real for comfort#It doesn't help that I talked with someone I know who recently came out as transfem. She explained her symptoms and feelings of dysphoria.#Which just so happened to align a tad too well with my repressed ass thoughts. If the other way round#She was saying that her voice was too deep and that she was very conscious of it that she kept trying to explain to her cis girlfriend that#She was one of them and yknow. I'm very conscious of my voice being too high that I look in the mirror and it feels wrong#my shoulders are too narrow everything feels wrong. 80 degrees to the left and the way she explained it really set light upon it and i-i#And lookie here heam has a packed by a south asian dad sized suitcase of things to unpack here and I dont wanna do this#This is scary. I want to curl up in a ball. I look at my reflection and get scared. This isnt me this is someone else.#Like yes I know I went from she her to she/they to they/them. But going to he/they or he/him eventually somewhat scares me#it feels right but wrong scary but comfortable just want a hug please for the love of gOD#The heam speaks#The heam yells into the abyss#I-if someone is open enough to help me with this that would be very vet gladly accepted I want to be held even by words rn
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Any other loveless people obsessed with "Love, Me Normally"?
#i have a lot of thoughts about this song but i suck at words#so i will just leave this here and hope that other people get it#but like#'jam that square peg in the round hole in their heart'#'you love them exactly the way that everybody else is'#the whole song being about not being normal + connecting it to love like it would make them normal#idk i cant articulate it. but you get it right?#love me normally#will wood#snowys talking again
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youtube
This is my favorite short film of all time <3
#when I was a teenager I had an mp3 player that could play videos#and this was one of the only three videos I had on it#the others were the lady in the radiator song from Eraserhead#and the music video for you spin me right round#which I mostly had on there because there was a little girl who liked to sit next to me on the bus on the way to the day camp I worked at#and she really liked that song when I let her listen to it on my headphones#and I thought she would find the music video funny so I downloaded it for her (she did indeed find it funny)
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I also have an internal monologue constantly but it's like talking to another person. I mean I'm talking to myself but as if it was another person. So I also think/say "you have to do this", "please be calm", etc .
I thought it was what everyone does... isn't it?
sometimes! peoples thought streams are all different. many people think in first person, some in second or even third; usually ppl use different perspectives at different times. lots of thoughts aren't words at all, just a flow of feelings and concepts. personally I often talk to myself in second person. I also sometimes use 'we', referring to myself as speaker and listener. how and why this kind of thing happens, and how common it is, is probably beyond my expertise. but i promise you are not weird for it lol
#it brings up some interesting questions about how we conceive of the self in different scenarios#maybe sometimes its easier to use 'you' because conceiving of oneself as a different entity makes it easier to put things in perspective#or give orders or make observations yanno. we often give other people's thoughts more credence than our own so its a pretty neat trick to#pull on yourself i would say#same/similar thing with 'we'#i use it cause it makes me feel less lonely which is depressing i know#but also we give the thoughts of collectives/groups more weight than those of one person so its also useful for making judgements#internal monologues are so so interesting#i could talk about the way i think for a very long time which is lowkey narcissistic but i havent exactly been in anyone elses head so#some people dont have a discrete internal monologue; its like just a flow of concepts and impulse#sometimes thoughts can be chains of interconnected memories images and sensations esp for neurodivergent ppl#for me my clearest thoughts/emotions are tactile/proprioceptive impressions of shape and movement that i then have to pick up and examine t#understand what they mean exactly#like ohhh this thing made me feel *hands smoothing on the underside of a round smooth cold stone structure with weird amounts of affection#and the tensing that indicates they are getting ready to lift*#like what does THAT mean#anyway that was a very long tangent#you are normal. everyone is different. brains are cool. end of story#autism squeaks
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okay the muscle spasms have worn off to an extent so we can finally stand up straight at least some of the time, but the pain hasn't eased up at all, and in terms of tailbone pain we're at the point of having to lay down every hour or so and I'm still having panic attacks repeatedly which is definitely making it worse and I know why I'm having them but I can't fucking do anything about it
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#it's the fact that we feel trapped and like we don't get a say in what happens to us#and we're being put into an intensely triggering situation and not being given any other option#and having so many tests done always feels dehumanizing in a specific way#it feels like being a little kid all over again where people would drag you round to places and not give you a choice in any of it#I don't feel like a person I feel like a test subject and if another stranger touches me I feel like I'm going to snap#and people kept being like ''be careful you don't want to start hyperventilating'' no I don't give a fuck about that#I want people to stop touching me I want people to leave me alone and stop sticking needles in me and making me sit in weird rooms#I can't cope I need to just be in my room and not have anyone come anywhere near me
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