#thought id throw this on tumblr as well

[jinxedrat]

what if we did each other's corpse paint? haha jk... unless?

[meanbossart]

ive seen everyone sending you incredible art of du drow and i wanted to throw my hat into the ring too. i cant draw as well as id like to so i thought id go for something im good at. believe me when i say that id kill to get his hair and scars perfect

the link should let you get a better look at it from any angle you want :)

WHAATTTTT WHAT LINK I THINK TUMBLR ATE IT, but this is so friggin cute oh my god, the RINGS TOO?????????? I wish I could have this in my home to look at whenever I need to see a scary guy petting a kitty cat

[mydetheturk]

your requested reminder to post knives going nuclear on zazie when you can :)

ok so im going to be reblogging this to the body horrors week later cause. uh. well. knives. quite literally goes nuclear?

all of these screenshots are from the overhaul project cause i haven't managed to catch the dark horse digital editions on sale yet, though i'll provide the dark horse translations where i can because i have physical copies, and the dark horse translations are imo clearer here.

there are ids in all the alt texts for the photos, it's why this took several days longer than i'd originally planned -finger guns- alt texts might look a little weird in the first set btw - tumblr started eating the photoset and i had to spend an extra half an hour fixing it -finger guns-

the pages are volume 11, pages 90-92, and 114-17, because a lot of the pages in between are leadup pages and also have the zazie control worm. thing.

pages 90-2 are the distant explosion (you can click on the first image and see it in the photo viewer, if for some reason it will not view in dashboard mode. But it does exist!)

(on page 90, dark horse is a lot more specific, with "the northeast sky is glowing" instead of "the whole sky is glowing". the other two boxes with text read "what is--?!" and "oh my..!" respectfully as if they were cut off mid sentence.)

so uh.

knives went uh.

literal "nuclear bomb exploded just above a town"

because he kind of did. Unlike a true nuclear bomb, he did not form a mushroom cloud, but the metaphor is still there. that is a nuclear metaphor

per pages 114-117 (pages are from left to right, read the pages right to left. sorry)

(legato's speech bubbles on page 114 in the dark horse edition read: Survival of the fittest is the law of nature. What is about to happen now is a just a logical extension of that. Be very afraid. You are in his presence. Did you not notice, Leader of the Sand Worms?

It reads very differently, imo, more like Zazie was caught up in their own plots and schemes to realize the control worm didn't work. Legato is also telling Zazie that Zazie should be afraid of Knives. Okay? Not asking if Zazie is afraid. Telling Zazie to be afraid. Like some sort of reverse "Be Not Afraid" from the bible.

Zazie's thought bubbles on page 115 are translated as "the dark hole is swallowing the poison" which reads more like knives made a black hole. given the visuals? that sounds more likely. Black holes, as a real life thing that we know about and have tried to study, are often referred to as swallowing things that pass too close. knives made a mini black hole to eat the poison from the sand worm venom. knives has consumed the dependent plants.)

the fact is, as a metatextual read, plants are nuclear reactors. independent plants are walking nuclear bombs. Nightow did this on purpose. We're meant to read them as something nuclear.

This is, as i was saying to @needle-noggins the other night when i was working on it in an attempt to get more of the alt texts written, a casual display of power. Knives is throwing a hissy fit! Knives is throwing a multi-megaton display of power because Zazie tried to take him over with the control worm. Page 91 had needle-noggins and i speechless because on the low end that tower of debris from the explosion is (if we did the very, very rough math right) THIRTY MILES TALL. Twice as tall as the tallest mountain in the solar system, Olympus Mons! or roughly five and a half times as tall as Mount Everest. On the outside, because we figured its anywhere from 25-30 times taller than the cloud cover, it could be up to thirty seven miles

Over halfway to space on earth.

like.

I know we love the independent plants and all. But Holy Shit. just.

holy shit

[straycalamities]

hello, you are cool, and I like your work! :) <3 I was just thinking 2012 tumblr didn't seem like it had many girl characters, due to everyone making spin-offs of the same ones like Once-ler. I was wondering if you have any girl OCs you'd use if you wrote a new zombie story in the future. =)

(btw keep up the good work and have a nice day!)

thank you very much!

and yes that is true, but also, well, by the time of thneedville/thornville high there were more people trying to make girl ocs but unfortunately the fandom was very overcritical and harsh on them

so it’s not only was it not the first thing people thought to do because of the nature of the fandom, but it became something that if you did do it, there was a lot of stress on you

you had to be better than most of the male askblog charas, you were judged harsher for your mistakes, you were just overall held to a higher expectation than any of the male blogs

my qpp knows this firsthand as they tried to run a girl askblog in that environment: nyx. and they were subject to a lot of bullying, unfair judgement, and other awful stuff while doing so. creating a female chara blog was signing yourself up to a subscription of anon hate

not only nyx but all the others as well at the time especially if you were to befriend or, heaven forbid, have romantic intentions with a male oc or one already involved in a favored mlm ship

like yes i also had mean-spirited people in my anon boxes time to time but it was nothing compared

sheep/quinn, a beloved from that time, anytime she’d ever interact with spook, would be subject to the nastiest messages guaranteed. i’m surprised her mod still wanted to have them interact. though it is worth noting they deactivated and remade that blog multiple times because of this

so yeah…while what you said is also true, this part is also a big factor and definitely needs to be brought up and recognized. it wasn’t so much that it was ALL people more interested in making and writing guys it was also the extra, important question of: Could you endure the constant hate if you made a girl blog?

there’s still an issue, to this day, of female blogs being pretty ignored and under-created, but id say the vicious environment that turned away a lot of people from doing so has calmed way down thankfully

but yes! uh when i was originally planning to make an original comic based off the camp entre run, i did, with my collaborators at the time, make some female ocs to add in as well as adjusted the gender of existing charas. though, that project is pretty much dead right now and needs an entire redo. but i still plan on …something one day. and yes there will be a way more accurate percentage in the genders present lmao 😭

i also have a plan for a new truffula flu story i’d like to tell that i was gonna use for…a thing, i mean i might still but branch it out more. but anyways it does focus around a young woman, my audrey oc Aoife :) i mean she’s become a lot more oc than audrey at this point but that’s how she started lmao

when i get the time to start that? uh. but it is something i wanna do at least maybe before the new year

i also thought about throwing Eren in because both of her main inspos are characters from apocalypses/dystopias so she’d fit right in

[roo-bastmoon]

"so in that kumbaya post u just openly admit ur a fat ugly single abused people pleasing jkker? not suprised. u all r. id kms if i were u."

Hmm.

Okay.

Quite a bit to unpack, there.

To answer your question: Yes, I'm a bit overweight right now--it's part the hormone blockers for the cancer and part my own emotional eating the last few months because, ya know, it's a bit stressful battling cancer. I plan to get back into working out after Yoongi's concert, though! And I'm not hideous, but I'm definitely not gorgeous. You're right, I'm single, have been for years, by choice. I do tend to people please a LOT (working on boundaries with a really sassy wonderful cognitive behavioral therapist--10/10, highly recommend CBT!). And I absolutely love and adore Jikook, for sure, as well as all of BTS.

So... guilty as charged.

But no, my "flaws" aren't a reason to DIE. I still have value, dear throw-away-account-in-my-inbox.

Despite my many shortcomings, I still have purpose. I still get pleasure. I can still do amazing things in the world and create some meaning in this life. All people are works in progress. Me, too. Who told you you had to always be exceptional to ever be worthy?

I'm not perfect. But I can try to be good.

In case you need a reminder, here's what "good" looks like:

I hope you heal from whatever wounds others gave you to make you calloused and aggressive toward total strangers.

I hope when you read this that you unclench your jaw and relax your shoulders, because you are safe and sheltered and you know there's no immediate threat.

I hope you can afford a nourishing meal and a long hot shower with amazing-smelling soap to restore some of your energy, which must be flagging, since you're spending it on Asks like this.

I hope you get a great night's sleep in a comfy bed, and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to face whatever challenges are a part of your days. Because I'm certain you have challenges just like everyone else.

I hope you have someone you trust, who you can talk to, who will listen to every word intently, and try to empathize and understand you and give you good counsel.

I hope at the end of your day, when all the work and chores are done, you get to read a really engrossing story, or listen to a thought-provoking podcast, or check out some amazing music that makes you feel alive and excited to be so.

I hope you remember yourself--your true self--the kind of person who can be kind.

Because the universe returns your energy back to you. I promise you, eventually, it does.

So here's some kindness from a random overweight absolutely flawed single Jikook fan on Tumblr, who genuinely wants you to be healthy and whole as soon as possible. We all will be better off when you start to heal.

Now, to get us both back into a place of calm and gratitude, you inspired me to make a donation to NAMI. If you ever need mental health help (and who doesn't?) they have some great free resources that you can check out HERE. Please never seriously consider killing yourself, or even joking about it, for any reason. Every day, every moment, is a new chance to start from scratch and make your life into something you prefer.

And if you're not open to talking to a therapist right now, there's a free app called Insight Timer with tons of great meditations, calming exercises, insightful podcasts, and mood-resetting music.

So, this is as much of my time and energy as I can give to you. I wouldn't have even answered you, except the K-pop community just suffered a loss from suicide this week and I felt it important to address what you said. But now I've got some streaming and voting to do in between my real-life responsibilities. So this is the last we will interact under your sock puppet account. But I hope you see this post, and I hope you know I really mean it. I really mean that you deserve to heal from this toxic anger you're taking out on others. I know you can be better.

"Who says a dream must be something grand?

Just become anybody.

We deserve a life.

Whatever, big or small, you are you after all."

--Paradise, Love Yourself: Tear, BTS

For everyone else, if I keep getting Asks from sock puppets like this, I'll turn off the option to message me unless we follow each other. I already turned off anons ages ago because of these types of messages. I will limit access to me, not as a punishment, but just because it's important to protect my (and my friends') energy against negativity. I am here for BTS, not drama.

This fandom needs to work harder to reflect BTS' values, or else what are we all doing here?? You don't have to agree with anyone about anything, but you do have to at least be civil.

If you're looking for a fight, you won't get it from me. My tongue is ruled by the law of kindness.

With sincerest respect,

Roo

P.S. Jimin and Yoongi are close to record-breaking milestones. Please don't waste any time or energy on this sort of thing--keep streaming!

[nextinline-if]

I'm tired of watching creators get stepped on (with a clarified statement regarding the forum poster)

I don't frequent this forum - I went here to investigate pirating. Several people have insisted that the person going by the COG founder's name is not actually him, so here's my updated post. I retract that it's Dan but not what else I said. I still stand by what I said.

Hi, it's me, your friendly Vi with something on my mind. Unfollow if you will but I gotta speak my mind on behalf of the authors who spend countless hours creating the games that bring you joy. Sure, I've been away from Tumblr so I'm probably late to this but oh well. Still decided to post this.

I moved my game to Twine in August because I don't want to be associated with Choice of Games (COG). Here's a great example of why...

People in a forum asking for and sharing pirated content from indie creators' Patreons.

The author saw it and responded:

[ID: A snippet of what the text reads. Please take this down. This is just...really not cool guys. My hands are trembling as I right this, because I'm both hurt and stunned that someone would take *everything* from my Patreon and post it. If you ever want - redacted game name - to get finished, then try not to do things that will cause me to have a breakdown. Please. /ID]

Here's the response from someone going by COG's founder's name (per screenshots below - apparently it's not him but I do wonder why he lets someone use his name or isn't aware?):

I know this image is small, so here's what it reads:

"Let me tell you something, those who haven't subscribed to your patreon isn't magically gonna subscribe if they don't get stories elsewhere, and those who have already did that means they care about you and I'm pretty damn sure they aren't gonna unsubscribe anytime soon. If something anything changes due to the leaks then it's your popularity, readers are gonna be more interested in your titles and perhaps once they have enough money then they can even subscribe and donate that money to you, right now many members of this forum don't have enough resources to purchase things online such as patreon subscription, hence they had to rely on leaks to sate their excitement of reading the stories. Do think about it, from their perspective and if you can then try to make old stories and demo available for public this way they may not needs to rely on leaks and will read from official source.

Sincerely, Dan Fabulich"

What I said originally when I thought it was Dan: The guy is probably a millionaire (or, at the very least, well off compared to most indie creators) and he has the nerve to create an entitled response like this to an INDIE AUTHOR who uses choicescript.... wow. To an author who yes, has a pretty good following but is spending 1000s of hours creating for the enjoyment of others.

New statement: It's still fucking the way this person is speaking to an indie author. Still seems odd to allow a forum to use your name (and also basically insinuate it is supported by your company)...I would certainly be angry. But then again, I'm not rich and living off indie authors' work.

He (still) has more money than most of us indie authors ever have in his pocket from creating a company that pays pennies to the writers who make it money. People who just rely on passion to create these stories. Even if you make money on Patreon, most people cannot be sustained full-time. Most of the pirated content is not from bigger authors (but some is).

And before anyone says anything, yes, I am aware that many people can't afford Patreon and "don't want to wait." I get it. I promise you, I know the struggle. But like, it's fucking entitled to think you deserve to read someone's work without their permission.

And it's fucking entitled to throw the authors that pay for your lifestyle under the bus. (I still believe the company does this).

I am SO grateful to the majority of you out there who are kind, supportive, and overall amazing. But this is not okay!

Vi, out.

P.S. as an anon suggested, I will try to contact Dan to see if he's aware of this person using his name to make statements like this

[daedalusdavinci]

MY Davekat Fic Recs

i read everythign in the davekat tag a couple years back. yeah. everything. the whole bitch. it was a couple of years ago, so that might date this post, but heres a bunch of fics that i thought were so good i put a little note on them in my bookmarks about how hard they went

>Dave: survive three years on this rock

by MadSeason

Growing up on a flying meteor is hard work. You know this from experience. TG: dude what is this piece of shit you just sent me CG: TO PUT IT IN YOUR HUMAN TERMS: CG: IT’S A FUCKING LOVE STORY, DAVE. Well, it's a bit more than that.

this is a meteor fic, and youve read any davekat fics, thats a summary in of itself. however, from what i remember, this particular meteor fic goes really hard bc it does such a good job of building dave and karkats relationships with the other meteor residents and it leans hard into dave and roses friendship which is so important to me, bc guys they are BEST friends and theyre just so ; ; its just important ok. also according to the note i left for myself on this fic it made me cry a lot so thats always good

catch me, keep me

by CurlicueCal (@curlicuecal on tumblr)

Dave drops by the twinkle vermin class transport-ship Calliope to visit Captain Crocker and her crew. He engages Jake for some repair work, bugs his brothers of the corporeal and non-corporeal varieties, and stops in to harass chat with Karkat. Absolutely no flirting ensues.

frankly everything curlicuecal writes goes hard as fuck, so write that one down. read everything. they never miss. they are SO good at handling side characters and dealing w the complexities of homestuck characters, never shying away from the things that make them miserable little assholes. their fics are always so fun + funny and this is a really good one

just two guys being dudes being moirails and smooching a little

by MisPronounce_and_MisAccent

DAVE: yeah id be down DAVE: just two guys being dudes being moirails and smooching a little im not opposed DAVE: if youre cool with that A few options flit across your mind. The first is picking up the couch cushion next to you and screaming into it for a solid minute. The next is just screaming, sans-pillow. The third is, of course, throwing in the towel and flinging yourself off the meteor, because it is abundantly fucking apparent that you possess an inherent incapability to maintain any simple, good relationship without getting your feelings in a bullshit fucking twist. You decide to do none of this.

if you are like me and you really really love fics where they blur the lines between romantic and platonic and flushed and pale, this is the one. this is the fic.

Car Accident Blues

by ode

Dave Strider is good at looking fly, but he sure isn't good at not getting run over!

fuck i remember this one actually. its really short but its SO fucking funny

midnight soliloquy

by apocalypticTaco

If you had the time, you could wax poetic about every inch of him. Well, it’s past midnight. You could spare a few minutes to wax. If someone asked you what was it specifically about Karkat that you fall head over heels over, you honestly could not tell. It's everything.

its short and sweet, really cute fluffpiece. i CANNOT remember this users tumblr un anymore but they were huge in the davekat fandom for a while and they have a really good grasp on dave and karkat as characters which makes all of their davekat fics hit hard. highly recommend checking out their whole page rlly

We've Got Time

by acedavestrider (@acedavestrider on tumblr i think)

He’s very pointedly trying not to smile, trying not to give you the satisfaction of knowing you made him smile, but his eyes completely give him away. They’re far too fond to give any sort of impression other than absolutely smitten, regardless of how hard he’s trying to seem annoyed, and the way he blinks at you - quickly like he’s trying to clear his vision, like he’s trying to figure out if you’re real or if he’s imagining you - is enough to make your heart swoop in your chest.

another REALLY cute sweet one. honestly i think this is one of my favorite davekat fics ever. acedavestrider writes some of the best davekat in general and you should 100% read all of their stuff, because it ALL goes this hard. ofc anyone w a un this good is bound to have a good grasp on the characters so like what more do you even need me to say

Fait Accompli(cation)

by IntelligentAirhead (@dragonomatopoeia on tumblr, but im p sure it was cowritten w someone else? dunno theirs)

In Which a Mutant and an Alien Meander Towards a Quadrant of Indeterminate Identity at a Glacial Pace While Examining the Internalized Toxicity Perpetuated by Their Respective Societies, and The Nature of Friendship is Determined to Be More Universal Than Originally Theorized [Banned In Alternia]

this IS the best davekat fanfiction. this is the one. ive read it multiple times and its good each time. im just going to copy my notes straight from ao3 on this one, i think theyre from a second reread some time after the first

"ok this does slap. this slaps super hard. its a meteorstuck fic wherein karkat and dave both have to question toxic ideas theyve internalized from their own planets and eventually fall in love and get together. no one is delegated to rosemary therapist, all of the charas are beautiful and just as important, and the characterization is so flawless it couldve been written by hussie himself. this TOTALLY holds up, holy shit

"#literally the most beautiful piece of prose known to man"

The Eurydice Suite, v2.0

by callmearcturus (@callmearcturus on tumblr)

Dream-sharing: a highly illegal little industry in which agents delve into people's dreams, and unearth their deepest secrets and memories. Within this business, the Strider-Lalondes are known as the best there is — until Dirk Strider gets his fool-ass trapped within the confines of his own subconscious, with his Auto-Responder playing malicious prison warden. To save him, the best and brightest dreamers in the world will have to form a team. Backed by the token rich friend, lead by the surliest extractor ever bribed out of retirement, haunted by the shade of the latest, greatest agent in the biz, and on the run through a dangerous tiered dream in a hostile mind... It's going to take a miracle to pull this one off.

ive read this one so many times and honestly its still really good. the writing style is fantastic and i have spent many a year trying to capture the same beautiful atmosphere arc does. its a really creative au with really cool ideas about classpects and the characterization in this fic is awesome

Crash Standing

by Asuka Kureru (@asukaskerian on tumblr)

It's been eight days since the end of Sburb and Davesprite is not coping especially well.

ive already listed my favorite davekat fic, but THIS is my favorite homestuck fic period of all time ever the end. this is the best one. this is the ONLY one, as far as im concerned. you dont want to know how many times ive reread this fic ok. i love davesprite/karkat way more than i love dave/karkat (bc you know me w my doomed characters) and the way this author handles the interpersonal relationships between not just karkat and ds but also like ds and all of the OTHER characters is SO. GOOD. davesprite and kanayas relationship in particular lives in my brain rent free at all fucking times oh my god they are so perfect. shes so perfect. i love kanaya so much in this. oh my god and JOHN. the senor strider thing is so fucking funny sldkjfnsdf just. AUGH. its such a good fic just trust me ok just trust me

there are probably more i could recommend but its been so long since i read them im just going to stick to these bc like. man. i do NOT remember some of the bookmarks ive got in there anymore. ask me again when i finally snap and reread homestuck

[icouldntcareless22]

The Deal (2)

Summary: She was officially failing in life and most importantly in university! With her grades hanging of the edge of a thread and tutors rejecting her left and right her only option is to make a deal with the devil a.k.a Kim Seungmin.A deal should always be fair. Your grades in exchange for Kim Seungmin's dream girl. Simple?...Right?!

Word Count: 35k

Slight enemies to lovers, idiots to lovers, slow burn, angst, fluff.

No warnings, some foul language.

AN: Finally it's here! Tumblr won't let me post it in one post, so I am forced to divide into two parts. Would you be interested in SKZ x Greek Mythology theme? Hope you enjoy!!!

Part 1

@lethallyprotected

Well it was time.

   The holiday season. 

   The absurd seasonal drinks you were making all day confirmed that. 

   It was your last shift before taking off to your hometown and everyone on campus decided to pay you a visit today. You were running all around the place, making sugary sweet coffee and foamy milks until the smile was swiped off your face. It was the morning shift so that meant you were getting off at four. A quick glance told you it was 3:30 pm and the half hour that was left was pure torture. 

       But it passed. 

       At the end of your shift, you hung your apron to the back room and bid your coworkers and boss the appropriate Christmas wishes and temporary goodbyes. And you went straight home to start getting ready. You were calculating the time it would take you to get ready tomorrow morning and when should you leave to get there on time, when your phone interupting your train of thought. 

       You checked the id caller and saw Seungmin was calling you. Well, that was a surprise!

      You slid your finger over the screen accepting it and exclaimed loudly "Puppy!"

      "I told you not to call me that" he grumbled under his breath. "Where are you?" 

        You mentally checked before answering.

 You didn't forget any lessons today.

 And you didn't have any plans with him or the rest of them.

       "On my way home" you replied carefully, voice so low that you doubted he was able to hear it.

       A pause and then "Weren't you working today?" 

       "Yeah, my shift ended like 10 minutes ago" you snorted as you crossed the street. 

       "Oh.." he only said. But you could hear noise on the background like he was outside.

       "Seungmin where are you?" You inquired, curious.

       "At the coffee shop.." he replied, sounding defeated.

       You laughed at that. "Why?!"

       "I came by to drop one of your notebooks cause tomorrow you are leaving early" he hastily explained. It was true he had one of your notebooks, but it wasn't like it couldn't wait until after Christmas. 

       You bit your lip, unsure of what to say but opening your mouth all the same. "Well..I am going home you can.. swing by and leave it to me...If it isn't much trouble!" 

       "No, I will be there." he replied "You want anything from outside?"

       "No, I am okay. I will..see you in ten" you replied.

       "See ya in five" he said before hanging up. 

    You quickened your steps, almost fast walking to your house. You reached in no time and climbed the steps in a hurry. At first glance it didn't seem too bad, but it was in no state for visitors. So you began twirling, picking up whatever caught your eye first. You just finished tucking your bed when a knock sounded. 

    "Coming!"you said, rushing to the door and throwing it open to reveal a flushed from the cold Seungmin. He greeted you politely and entered your home, bringing along with him a plastic bag. You looked up and saw him fumbling. 

     "I..I thought that maybe we can watch that movie you said the other day.."he got out, not really looking you straight at the eyes. 

      You tucked your hair behind your ear, sending him a smile. "Sure! I would love to! Thanks for the snacks" You replied and took the bag from his hand.

         You shoved him lightly towards your couch and made your way to the kitchen to plate the pop corn he brought. Only to feel him hover behind you. You threw a glance and there he was leaning against the kitchen table, in all his glory.

       "What time are you leaving tomorrow?" He interjected.

        "Around 9. The train leaves at 10 but we said with Yuqi to be there a little earlier" he hummed, clearly approving of your plans. "How about you?"

        "I am leaving the day after tomorrow. We said with the guys to hang tomorrow evening" This time it was your turn to humm in approval. Some time out with his friends would do him good. He was way too couped up in his house.

       "What are you doing for the holidays?" You wondered as you opened up a bottle of coke as well. The less your fridge had for the holidays the better. You still could recall the horrifying smell of the food that had gone bad while you were away visiting your family. Never again.

       "Probably, I will just stay home. I talked with Jeongin- You don't know him.."he trailed off once he remembered.

        "Baby faced with dimples?" You asked, reaching for the glasses.

        He wordlessly nodded as he took a step closer and pulled them down for you.

        "Thanks. I have seen him around"you confirmed, turning to him.

        "Where?" He asked, doubtful. 

        "With you. Around the school. You know I see many people on a regular basis"you joked, recalling the faces that pasted through the store today and you shuddered.

        "I guess. Anyways, we said that maybe... we can take a trip to go skiing" he said, absentmindedly as he grabbed the full plate and walked towards your couch. He set the plate down only to unravel your bed, which you had previously set. For a moment you stood there watching him in your space. He didn't ask where to sit like the first time. He had been here by now multiple times and you found yourself liking this intimacy. Him at your space.

        When you didn't reply he turned towards you with one eyebrow raised. So you shook yourself out of the daydream you had and replied something like 'you will only hurt yourselves' 

      You quickly settled down beside him on your bed, searching for a calm movie to watch. Through a hasty search and your displeasure with the lack of good movies, you selected Lilo & Stitch, which you absolutely adored. You expected whines and arguments from your company, but only silent greeted you as the movie started. You looked over at him, only iluminated by your laptop's light and had an absurd thought.

 You would miss him during the holidays. 

   The next morning you were running in the cold streets, alongside Yuqi. Running with all your might, although exhausting, managed to secure you spots on the second running train of the day. Your journey was calm and quickly you parted ways with Yuqi, strolling towards the opposite direction. Your dad and your grandparents welcomed you warmly into your house and all together you sat until the early evening simply catching up.

       The rest two days you were spent in a relaxing state, you were simply sleeping and talking with your family. The third day you caught up with some old friends. Some you hadn't seen since forever, so it felt good to know they were doing well and some you still regularly contacted, so you were more aware of their news. 

     As you were walking back, your friends came in mind. What was Yuqi doing? Was Yuna well? Ryunjin got back safe from her trip to her boyfriend? How about Wooyoung and Jisung? Were they out there causing trouble? ...How about Seungmin?

     You fumbled with your phone for a bit, before unlocking it. You strolled through your contacts before briefly stopping above his name. 

     You bit into your lower lip before locking your phone. You would be a bother. You didn't really talk the last days, besides the occasional meme you sent. It would be weird to call him all of a sudden, wouldn't it? 

      Your phone suddenly rang and you nearly jumped out of your skin. You quickly turned your phone over and a gasp left you. The screen displayed the name, that you couldn't bring yourself to call just now. You accepted the call straight away.

      "Hey Y/N" he greeted quietly.

      "Hey Seungmin"you shyly greeted back, unsure what to say now that you were on the line with him. "How have you been?"

      "Good, good. My parents stuffed me with as much food as they could. I made plans with Jeongin this weekend as well." 

      "Mmm your ski trip. Sounds wonderful!  My dad had a feast for me as well. I am just now returning from an outing with friends." You said as you walked further down the familiar street. 

      "Am I interrupting you?" He asked as the thought just dawned on him. 

      "No! No, I am just walking home. Actually I wanted to call too. I was wondering what you were up to"  you shyly admitted, not knowing if it was okay for you to do that. Your nerves soon calmed at his response.

       "Me too. I just stayed at home today. Watched a baseball game."

     "Yeah, dad was watching too when I left" you giggled, amused to hear him grumble at his team defeat. 

  And so the calls continued for the next 2-3 days. 

  And one day calls turned into a video calls. He was only exploring the app and by chance called you, he said. You didn't complain, you just sat and humored him, but imagine your surprise when the video call invitation popped up.

      Here you were today laying on your bed, trying to do math and you had mostly.. completed them, when you stumbled upon a problem you couldn't quite solve. So you decided, that a call to your tutor would be required. So here you were with your hair up and flying everywhere and your pjs on, contemplating to call or not. In the end you sat up, letting your hair down and combing them swiftly before making the call. You waited for a the first beep and then for the second and third and when you were about to hung up, the call was accepted. 

       It was a small comfort that he was in a similar state as you. Clearly in his sleepwear, hair messy enough to match your own and face pressed against his pillow. He seemed just as cuddly as the stuffed animals you had back in the days. 

       "Hey"you whispered into your screen. 

       "Hey"he replied, sounding sleepy.

        "If I called at a bad time I can.." you trailed off, suddenly regretting your choice. You should have checked the time or send a message ahead.

        "No, I was just watching a movie. What's up?" He sat up and stretched to get rid of the stiffness in his body. 

        "I was doing math and I am stuck on this one problem." You mumbled, embarrassed. 

        "Look at you! Doing your homework!" He chuckled, making you roll your eyes "Let me see" you shifted your camera towards the notebook on your bed. The explanation was brief and quite simple, much to your surprise, but instead of hanging up you ended chatting casually. Only when he made himself more comfortable on his bed, you saw the background. "Is that you on the photos?" You asked, trying to cran your neck to see better. 

        He paused for a moment before confirming your guesses with a nod.

        "Can I see?" You interjected excitingly.

        He slowly turned the camera towards his desk. A photo of him in a baseball suit adored your screen. He would be about ten,smiling brightly to the camera, or you guessed, his parents, proudly holding his bat. In the next he was in the arms of his parents, clearly celebrating his second birthday, judging by the number on that cake. And in the third he was in highschool on his sides Minho and the black haired boy that you vaguely recognized as Jeongin. He wasn't smiling full on the last one, a small smile adored his face. 

        "You were so cute!" You exclaimed, laughing. You couldn't see his face as he hadn't turned the camera yet but you knew he would be scoffing at you. "Don't you have more photos?" 

         "A few.." Short it was the reply and his tone anxious but that didn't fazed you in the slightest.

         "Show me" you demanded, making yourself comfortable.

      And so, he did show the few ones he had in his room. He even ventured into to his living room to show the bigger pictures his parents had hung up. Once again in the safety of his room, you were gussing over his photos

      "You really were a beautiful child!"you teased him. 

      "Yeah. Right" he scoffed and paused for a bit. He met your stare through the camera and immediately lowered it as he softly spoke again. "You know my schoolmates used to tease me a lot. Not really bullying, but.. they would say-" he paused as if he said too much.

      The cheery atmosphere shifted. His uncomfortable state wasn't something that sat right with you. It felt wrong to see such a level headed person being anxious over sharing his past experiences. You bit your lip, wondering if you should let it go or encourage him to talk to you. A look at his lowered head had you gently speaking words of encouragement. "If you wanna talk about it, I will listen" 

      He raised his head and looked at you. He was thinking hard about this, but after a good look at you, he signed and continued his story. "They would call me mouth-monster or ugly. I had braces when I was younger, as you saw." You had thought they were adorable. Why would they tease him about something as simple as this?

    "They didn't really continued it for long. Only a couple of months. Maybe a year top. But..you know. Later, I learned Minho threatened them to stop. And who saw Minho and wasn't scared of him. I really own him one" He let out a humorless laugh.

       He was trying to talk about it as if it didn't bother him, as if he was untouchable and it broke your heart a little. He was facing down again, not really looking at you so you coed him gently. 

    "That's why I went into the dentist care. I guess I wanted to help the kids that were like me. Maybe if I was told earlier I wouldn't have to wear them and-..." He looked at you from underneath his lashes. "Maybe if I had been told that I have a beautiful smile more often, it would have been better.. different"

    You could only look at the boy in front of you, your heart breaking at his soft admission. He only wanted someone to tell him he's beautiful. And damn you, if you didn't!

       "Seungmin I think you were beautiful as a child. And I think you are even more beautiful as an adult. You have a amazing smile and you are kind to talk about it as if they aren't the scum bags."  That one got a laugh out of him. "Have you seen the comments on your Instagram? They were fighting over who got to have you" you joked, trying to lighten the mood.

      And it worked as a flush was covering his face now and an embarrassing laugh left him. "But really shouldn't think that about yourself. You are wonderful and you should see yourself as that. You only have yourself in this lifetime. Treasure yourself, Minnie" 

        He looked as if he would cry for a moment, but then he smiled at you. That smile at the photo, the mega watt full smile that lit up his whole face. You couldn't keep a smile off your own face.

      "My eyes! I am blinded by beauty!" You cried and flang yourself out of the screen. 

     "Y/N!!" Giggles left your phone, showing Seungmin also yeeting himself out of the screen. You layed down and brought the phone closer to your face. He mimicked your stance and the conversation flowed down on more easy paths.

      "Don't you have your own home?!" You asked incredulously as your video call was answered once again by none othe than Jeongin himself. 

      "I can say the same for you, Noona! Don't you have other..friends to call?" He said with a pause full of meaning, his foxy eyes almost staring you down. You felt the blood rush to your face at his words and sure enough you were red. 

    "Seungmin!" You called again in hopes of catching his attention.

    "Mmm" he mumbled mid bite, his mouth and fingers stained from the chips he was munching on. He briefly looked over to you before returning his gaze back to the screen.

     "Did you really call me to watch Brooklyn 99 together?" You asked, amused by the boy with the stuffed cheeks in your screen. 

      "Yeah! Now shhhh! We're missing the best part!" He whined, pointing to the tv you couldn't see. 

    You laughed at him but turned on your laptop and went with it.

     The morning air was biting you in the ass. 

     The crispy winter morning wasn't tolerable at all and if only your dad didn't drug you here for your morning holiday tradition, you would be happily sleeping away the cold. But here you were with a basket on your hands and trailing behind him, half awake. 

       "What gift should we buy for grandma and grandpa?" He wondered as he inspected a pink wooly shawl. 

       "Probably something for the winter would be good. You know they get cold easily." You thought out loud, inspecting the shawl as well. It seemed warm and you adored the color.

       "Should we?" He asked back just as unsure. Your grandparents never asked for anything for the holidays. They always accepted their gifts, whatever they were, with a smile and the familiar line of 'it was exactly what I wanted'. You snorted to yourself, they were too nice to tell you that you weren't cut out for gift buying. 

       Suddenly as you rounded an other corner of the market, a stall caught your attention. The stall was full of baseball merchandise. But what caught your attention was a cap. It had the SK Wyverns logo on it and it was a nice shade of dark blue. For some reason, you saw it and immediately thought of Seungmin and how well it would fit him. 

     You didn't know you stopped walking until you heard your dad calling you. You snapped your head towards him, sheepishly and turned your attention back on the cap. You called the shop owner over and asked for a prize. It was a reasonable price, that's why you were buying it. Besides you had bought some gifts for the others, it would sadden him not to receive anything. 

      Your dad was quiet during the whole exchange, but you felt him figgeting beside you and working his courage to speak up. You wish he wouldn't. 

    "So who is the lucky guy

     But he did.

     "No one, just my friend." 

     "Hmm. You have a friend"

     "Daaaad!" you whined, clearly not wanting to continue talking about it. But the old man paid you no mind and continued his 'investigation'. 

        "So when did you meet?"

        You let out a breath. He wasn't letting it go. "He is my tutor. We met in the beginning on the semester. I was failing and-"

        "You are failing?" He asked shocked. He turned towards you, alarmed and worried. 

        "I WAS falling. Keep up, dad. Seungmin helped me raise my grades back up." 

         He wasn't in a good state to hear anything right now "Honey we have talked about this. If you are having troubles with school, you tell me. I know you said you wanna work but if this is too much for you.. You don't have to work-"

      "I have to work. How else can I support myself?" you cut him off, facing forward. You had strayed from the market paths and you were now walking to your truck. 

      "Excuse me? You say that as if I don't support you! Y/N we said that, if it compromise with your studies you would -" 

      "You said! I didn't said anything!" You talked back, already feeling the blood rushing to your head.

       "Y/N!" He roared, taking you by surprise. Dad never yelled. He must be extremely furious to raise his tone like that. But right at this moment you couldn't force yourself to care, as you were in a similar state. "Do you have to be that damn stubborn all the time! We have talked about this! I didn't agree to you working in the first place! You-! Ugh! You still did! But! But this! This is taking things too far!" He spit on your face, his face growing redder and redder by the minute. 

     "You can barely manage here! How can you manage me too?!"you were both shouting at this point, anger taking over.

      He took a step away from you, breathing heavily from his nose. You did the same catching your breath, your eyes were misty and you hated that. So you turned to the truck you had unconsciously reached, placed your things inside and stepped back. You turned to your father, who was stomping his way to the driver's seat and told him sharply "I will go and see if I can buy something for grandma and grandpa. I will see you at home" 

    You didn't expect an answer, you simply closed the door (albeit with a little more force than necessary) and disappeared into the crowd. 

       You wandered quite a bit, passed stalls and merchants as they shouted loudly to be heard over the others. You stopped in a few stalls to inspect some things that catch your fancy, but with your temples throbbing and your teeth still gritted on anger, you couldn't appreciate them right. So you wandered aimlessly across the market some more, until you grew tired and cold. You knew a place, where they sell the most amazing hot chocolate you've ever tasted and it was near the market so you headed there. It was a small shop, colours of yellow, green and white blended all together to create a childlike atmosphere that seemed to make you lighter when you headed in. You ordered your hot chocolate and sat at the window, trying to calm down.

     Theoretically, you knew that your dad cared for you and that's why he told you to quit and pay attention only to school, but he would't be able to afford to pay for everything. You wanted to be able to go out and party with your friends without worrying if the money would be enough. You wanted to lighten the amount of rent your dad paid and help him around the house too. Help with your grandparents' meds and expenses too. 

     You signed and took out your phone to check the hour. 11:45 pm. It was still early for your next bus. 

     You unlocked your phone and played with it for a bit, before checking your messages. Yuqi and Yuna had replied to your last message and you had been sent memes by Wooyoung and.. Seungmin? You opened the message and saw it was a mathematical meme. Classic Seungmin. You laughed and called his number before realizing. When he answered after the first beep, you were shook out of your stupor. 

      "Hello?" He called "Y/N?"

      "Hey. Yeah, it's me" you whispered shallowly. Why did you even call?

      "What's up?" He asked.

      "Nothing.. Nothing much! I just..wanted to chat" you said, not really knowing what to say. "Sorry I didn't know you were busy. I will talk-"

      "It's okay. We just arrived with Jeongin to the rooms and we would take a rest anyway."

       "Ohh right. You went skiing this weekend. How is it?" You asked as you nursered the rest of your chocolate. 

      "It's nice! The snow is thick enough so we can go skiing tomorrow" he exclaimed, clearly excited to slide through the snow and down the hill.

      "Tell Jeongin to take videos of you falling. I need something to laugh at" you teased him lightly, still watching the busy market out of the window. 

      "..Y/N? Are you okay?" He asked quietly, probably sensing you weren't in the best mood. After months together when you didn't talk his ear off it was a red flag, you supposed. 

       "Mmm. Everything's fine" you replied.   

Silence greeted you on the other side of the line and then. "If you wanna talk about it, I will listen" 

     A snort left you. "Gosh, I hate when you throw my words back to me" He laughed along with you trying to lighten up your mood.      "Annoying isn't it?"he asked, still laughing. 

     "Yeah..it is" you paused briefly,  but the need to tell him made you open your mouth again. "I had a fight with my dad." It was quiet for a moment, only the rustle of the bed as he sit up was heard. 

      "About?" He wondered.

     "He found out that I was doing bad at math. He said to stop working and focus on school." You played with your cup, twirling it around in your now warm hands. People were slowly filling the store, but the seats around you remained empty.

      "Okay" he dragged the word, trying to select his words carefully "And why did you fight?" 

       "It's just...money is tight, dad is struggling to make meet's end and pay for my grandparents' expenses. I am on scholarship and if I fail, it would only be more money-" you couldn't complete your sentence as tears choked you up.

 Gosh you hated this. 

 You didn't like to cry. And there you stood, in a crowded shop, your only company your phone with tears streaking down your face.

      He on the other line was panicking, never heard you cry this easily before.  "Hey! Hey! Don't cry! Take a big breath for me."

     And you listened to his instruction. You gulped as much air as you you could "Good. Good. Take more breaths for me" he coaxed you.

     Breath in.

     Breath out.

 You continued breathing, calming yourself enough.

     "Ok?" He asked, uncertain.

     "Yeah..I just.. don't wanna be a burden to him. I wanna help. If I have a job that means one less worry for him. It isn't easy, I don't want to work all the time. I wanna have fun but I can't be a burden to him, Seungmin." you sniffled. It was as simple as that. 

       "You are not a burden-" he started, but you cut him off ready to go at it.

      "I am! I am a burden to you too! I made you agree to this deal! I had a lot to win, you didn't. I am burdening you-" you swallowed back a sob. Your throat was clogging up again and some costumers where starting looking your way.

      "Y/N. You are not a burden. Don't say that" he pleaded, starting to sound upset as well. 

     You paused, gathering your thoughts, trying to explain to him in a more effective way.

      "You asked me before why I was in marketing... It's always needed. You always need to sell a product. If you always need to sell, I would always be needed, so I will always have a job and income" you quietly said. 

     You were simple really. You were a little greedy, a little chatty and sometimes over confident for no good reason. 

      "Y/N listen to me. You are not a burden. You knew how to make a deal. You gave me a solution. If you were cruel about it, you could have told everyone but you didn't. You care about your father and don't want to weight him down. You are working hard and at your own expense, you are struggling. You are a good daughter and a good friend. And for what matters, I am glad I met you. You encourage me to try new things, that I wouldn't dare to try. I don't want you to think bad of yourself." He instructed you. He made everything you did sound like a noble act, it couldn't be so far from it.

      You moved the phone slightly away from your face and sniffled quietly. A new bunch of tears were wetting your face, sobs racked your body and at this point you were panting for breath. He had really moved you. And even though you knew he was saying some of those things because you were a little sad, you decided to enjoy the comfort and question yourself later. It made you feel a little better all the same. 

      "Thank you" you got out.

      "Your welcome." He replied right away "Y/N can you take some more breaths for me please? Where are you now?" He asked. Was he concerned? He sounded frustrated enough and like he was pacing up and down on his room. 

     "Out. We came to the market with dad. He..left but I have a little more shopping to do." You sheepishly replied, leaving the walking away from the car incident out of the conversation. You already over shared.

       "You should head home and talk with your dad. And call me after. Okay?" The pacing had seized and a loud thud was heard maybe as he landed on the bed. 

       "Okay.." you said slowly, now more in control of your breathing "You sent me pictures of your trip, okay?" It would be wonderful to see something as pretty as the snowy mountain.

        "Okay" he mumbled more quietly now, as if he was being heard. Maybe Jeongin come in. "Talk to you later" he said and you half- heartly bid him goodbye.

        The ride home was a long one. You thought over and over what to say to your dad. You were a bit cruel and you exaggerated a lot. An apology should be the first thing that leaves your mouth, you concluded. 

        As you neared the door, it flew open revealing your very worried dad. He looked trousled, his hair (or whatever was left of it anyway) was messy as if he run his hands relentlessly, his face was flushed as he was crying. 

         "Dad what-?" Was all you managed to get out, before you were cradled into his arms. He didn't talk, just squeezed you harder. A sound like a sniffle was heard and just as you made to question it, you were drugged on the inside. 

        "Dad?"you questioned, standing still. He was pacing back and forth now right in front of you in the middle of your living room. "Dad!" You exclaimed successfully catching his attention. "I am sorry"

        He looked at you before engulfing you between his arms again. "No, baby. I am sorry" And with that sentence it was like he opened up the gates and tears welled up in your face.

      "I didn't want to be a burden! You have so- so much going on h-here! And! And I was t-trying to do w-what I can on my own" you sobbed. Your nose was blocked and your voice wobbled as you tried to get the point across.

        Just then hands cradled your face making you meet his eyes. "Baby..you are not a burden. It is my duty as your father to provide for you. You don't have to think about money all the time. I am here for you" 

       Hearing those words you broke down again in the safety of his arms, your troubles seemed so little and insignificant. For now you could be a little vulnerable and less tough. 

    Hours later, you were freshly bathed and in bed, ready to go to sleep when your phone rang. You reached over to your desk to grab it. Only to see a familiar name flashing across your screen. 

     "Hey Minnie" you whispered. 

     "Hey.. how are you? You.. didn't call so I... yeah" It was quiet on his end, he should be in his room by now, tired from the day's activities but he still made the effort to call you. You felt grateful you had met such good people. 

      "I am good. We talked about everything. Maybe I will cut back a few days to relax and study a bit more." You said as you cuddled into the bed, the emotional day finally catching up with you. You felt your eyes drop, but you willed them to open up again.

      "That's good. You should rest more. You deserve it" he replied back, tone gentle. You weren't used to hearing him like that. Sweet and gentle.

     "Seungmin.. thank you. It means a lot to me that you called"you said quietly. Hoping you weren't dumping much on him. 

       Quiet was all you heard through the line for a bit and then "I wanted too. I wanted to comfort you as you did to me the other day. I don't talk much about that time and it felt.. good...that the first thing you said to me about that period ,where I was not in a good state..it was that my smile was shinning" 

        You smiled. For some reason, hearing you made him feel lighter and happy made you lighter in return. It always did for some reason. All the times that he did things out of his comfort zone, all the times he followed along with your schemes, everytime he smiled at you and comforted you. You liked it..

    You liked him. 

    You blinked twice at the sudden though.            You liked him?

   Your first thought about the guy was that he was way too stuck up and insufferable to get along with. Where did all this came from? Maybe from all the times he cared, when you twisted your leg, when he cared for you when you were drunk, when you silently sat at your home and watched dramas, when he came by the coffee shop to sit with you. 

      Ohh. You were officially fucked.

     "Y/N?"

     His voice pulled you out of your daydream. Face completely flushed at this point, lips bitten to shreds and eyes wide you only could stare at your phone.

       "Y-Yeah! I-I was looking for my charger! This thing always runs out of battery" you explained, thankful for once for your ability to lie easily. 

      "Maybe if you didn't spent all of your day on your phone the battery would be okay" he teased, trying to get a reaction out of you. And he got it

        "Hey!" you whined loudly to your speaker. But the only response was his giggles, that warmed your heart a little more. Suddenly you didn't want to got off the phone, you want to hear him speak idly about his day and poke fun at you. So you asked just that and as if he was thinking the same he eagerly spoke.. It was well into the morning when you hang up, your heart lighter than ever and a silly smile plastered onto your face, even in sleep.

      Fifteen days passed before you could even blink.

    The cheery homey atmosphere at home, the meetings with your friends and the calls with Seungmin filled your day to the brim. 

Yesterday was the first shift of the year. It was lovely to see all your coworkers and friends together again. Your boss, being the generous woman that she was, had prepared gifts for everyone. You had been gifted a black ribbon that served as a hair tie. It was adorable. And a discreet reminder to tie your hair during work hours. 

your hair during work hours.

      Now you stood before the library, waiting at your usual spot for Seungmin, with your own gift in your hands. The cap was nothing much and you were sure it wasn't even original, but along with the pair of blue mittens and a scarf, you hoped they were enough.

 You eyed the people coming.

 No sign of Seungmin yet. 

A quick glance at your phone told you, it was a minute past your agreed time so you would let it slide. You busied yourself by replying to some texts from Hong Joong and Ryunjin, when you felt a presence behind you. With a quick glance, you found yourself looking straight into a pair of chocolate eyes. 

    You yelped from the surprise and the closeness. "Kim Seungmin!" You barked, hands coming to clutch your heart. Furious giggles greeted you in return. You looked up to see him, the two weeks apart treated him good. He seemed refreshed and lively, who knows what kind of mischief he had caused along with Jeongin. You instinctively reached up and slapped away his hand, that was covering his smile. He didn't dodge your efforts, letting himself be hit.

     "Hello" he said when his giggles seized.

     "Hi"you got out.

 He looked even cuter on person, was your first thought. You mentally slapped yourself. Come on Y/N! You have known him since October! You were together almost every day since mid October! Those were the rose tinted glasses people talked about. "How was your break?" 

       "As you don't know" he said, rolling his eyes. "We have been talking almost everyday" he quoted and starting walking towards the double doors of the library. 

      "Wait!" You yelped, clutching nervously his gift. You were beginning to sweat purposefully and you felt way beyond yourself. "I...um..I got you this!" You thrusted the cute bag in front of you, body all stiff.

       He cocked his head to the side and walked over to where you stood. Gingerly he reached for the bag, opening it gently as you would take it away from him. Slowly a smile spread on his face, he looked up briefly to you and then down again on his gift. He took it out and wore it, with a proud smile on his face. "How do I look?" He asked, turning his head from right to left so you can see him from all the possible angles.

       "Adorable" you teased, now at ease. Blue suited him, you thought and you told him so, your words bringing a pretty flush on his ears. He then cleared his throat and began searching in his backpack. After a beat, his hands come up clutching a small white bag. With a embarrassed smile, he extended the bag to you.

       "I guess we had the same thought" he explained, looking over your head before fleetingly meeting your eyes. You felt a warm feeling spreading over your body as you gazed from him to your gift. You sent a big toothy smile his way before taking the bag and taking a look inside. Inside the bag sat a smaller bag made of tulle, which contained the most beautiful pair of earrings you had seen. A dangly thing it was. A single pink cherry blossom sat, where you supposed your lobe would be and from it three almost invisible chains ran down, petals sprinkled over the chains. You loved them. 

      "Thank you Seungmin. I love it" you said, tucking it safely back into the box. 

      He smiled at you and shaked his head. "It just reminded me of you. Shall we?"he asked, pointing at the building behind you. 

        "We shall" you answered.

     The next few days were a dream.

 You all came back, hang out, had multiple night outs and had been having a blast. 

You hadn't noticed how Seungmin had warmed himself up in your daily routine. You met almost daily, his friends always lurked around the cafe, either because they were working in it (insert Jisung) either because they enjoyed the place. You had officially met Jeongin, who you always chatted with on your video chats with Seungmin, but never actually met. He was a sweetheart and always ready to mercilessly tease the grumpy boy.

       But, unfortunately, you were not the only ones that reconnected. Soojin and Seungmin reconnected. And they reconnected really good.They had been actively hanging out. Mainly on the cafe, occasionally out of it. You saw their stories and how they discussed where they would be going. 

       And you were seething.

       You wondered all those past months.. how did you manage to stand this? Not only you had to watch them on your shifts, you had Seungmin telling you all about his conversations with her. On the past you had no problem, now things were...a little different. But you hadn't had the heart to tell him to stop talking. You always wanted to hear him talk about things that made him excited, even this.

     Today though was your day though.

 You had a new series you wanted to watch. You had prepared masks and facials you had been dying to try out. As you searched through the fridge you realized. You had forgotten the beer. Usually your fridge was fully stocked and ready to serve, but a certain non drinker (as he had called himself) had been through 5 cans of beer the last time he was here leaving you dry. As you were contemplating running a quick errand to the market down the street, your phone rung. You checked the caller, seeing exactly what you wanted. 

     "Seungmin! Perfect timing! We ran out of beer. Can you get some on your way here?" You asked as you filled up the bowl with your favourite barbeque pop corn. 

     "Y/N...I hate to do this but do you think we can .. reschedule?"he said, tone slightly off.

     You assumed the worst. Seungmin was nothing if not punctual.

     "Are you okay? Do you feel alright? Did something happened with Minho or Jeongin?"you stressed, hands immediately flying up to trousle your tresses.

     "No! No, I.. had made plans with Soojin and I kinda mixed the days"he said, carefully.

     Oh.

     Of course he would prefer to spend his night with Soojin than you. You bit your lip, unsure what to do. Of course you minded. Not only it was the second time he did that to you, it was for the same person as well. But you couldn't exactly tell him that, could you? "No..I.. don't mind. Have fun" you slowly said, voice void of emotion in order not to betray your true one. 

     For a moment you thought that he would question you about your tone and your robotic manner, but he eventually signed. "I will make it up to you. I swear" he said.

     You hummed and muttered a simple goodbye. Energy suddenly drained and with your mood bungee jumping through the floor, you decided a wine or a beer would be definitely needed after all. So you grumpily grabbed your coat and your old sneakers making a bee line to the store. You entered, greeted the cashier and taking your familiar basket to browse the selves for anything that caught your fancy. You had a couple chocolate bars in it and you were standing in front of the fridge with the alcohol when the sound of your name being called grabbed your attention. 

     Turning your head, you met with a two coloured head and a bright smile.

 Hong Joong. 

 You smiled and waved him over.

     "I haven't seen you since before the holidays!" He exclaimed as a greeting, crushing you into a bear hug. 

     "Happy New Year Joongie!" You giggled, as you took a step back. His stare fell from your face to your basket to the fridge you were currently standing in front of. 

     "Not so happy right now, is it?" He asked knowingly. A grimace overtook your face, not being able to lie, you nodded.

     "I admit it could have gone better" you signed and then asked, half turned to him, half scanning the alcohol. "Did you finish your project?"

     "Yeah! We still have a check over left, but it was all smooth sailing" he laughed, clearly at ease. You envied him. Especially now, that the exams were looming over your head with the threat of expulsion. And there was the thing with Seungmin. You know the recently discovered and one sided feelings you had for him. Your thoughts must have manifested on your face because soon he was asking what's wrong. 

     "My friend, to tell the story it would take a long time and alcohol" you preached, eyeing the strawberry flavored soju bottle. 

     "I got time" he announced, making you turn at him. You raised your eyebrows and he nodded. 

     "In that case what kind of soju flavor do you prefer?" You required.

    After a few hours later and some (a lot) of drinks later you were okay. Your second tutor became the first one to learn of your feelings for your third one. Ironic. But Hong Joong had a calmness that made you feel perfectly at ease telling him that. He had adviced you to go for it and he had admitted he thought you guys were already dating. You had snorted at this.

   You wished. 

    But Hong Joong was wrong. He had been right about Seungmin curling himself up and begging for mercy as he did that the very next morning. But he hadn't seen coming the next rejections. 

    Three weeks in and Seungmin had cancelled on you 5 times. Soojin this, Soojin that. You had grown tired of hearing how great the girl was. Not to mention insecure. She was pretty, nice, kind. What hasn't she had? And do you have? 

    You tried to drown your feelings and feigned empathy towards the sudden cancellations and ruined plans. But you felt heavier with every ruined outing or night in. Those 5 times were enough for your eyes to shine maliciously green. You were beyond yourself jealous and you didn't know what to do and how to act before Seungmin anymore. Maybe a little more distance would do you good, maybe you could salvage a little of your heart. Yeah, a little distance is good.

    And apparently you must wear your heart on your sleeves because Seungmin caught right on. He apologized about the plans alright, but now every time you made plans you would find an excuse to avoid him. You had to go shopping with Yuqi or you had agreed to meet with Hong Joong and you couldn't cancel last minute. You even tried to cut down on your study time and that's when he knew that something was definitely wrong, after all exams were a mere 3 weeks away and you needed that time. 

    Ηe stepped up then. 

    That's why today you waiting for him in your house, practically vibrating with nervous energy. He seemed on guard when he called you. Almost awkward. But then he probably mimicked your own behavior. Your lips were bitten to shreds and your nails bloody by the time the doorbell rung. You gulped down as much air as you could and you opened the door. 

  And there he stood. 

  The cap you had gifted him on his head, black puffer jacket engulfing him and with an adorable flush on his cheeks, probably from the cold. You took a step back, inviting him in silently. He made his way into your home, now the surroundings familiar to him and plopped down to your couch. He cocked his head to the empty side of the couch, silently asking you to seat. 

     You made your way to him and before you could even sit on the couch, he started the interogation. 

     "What is going on?" He asked, always his straightforward and level headed self. 

     Truth or lie, that is the question. But right now lying seemed like your only ally. "What do you mean?" You asked carefully. 

     "I mean you are avoiding me. You are cancelling our plans. You even wanted to cancel the lessons!" His voice was steady, raising slightly at the end, making you feel even worse for a moment. And then you remembered the scene of them sitting together at the cafe, the phone call to cancel your plans and the words flew out of your mouth without your consent.

   "Like you didn't do the same" you returned, a scoff leaving you. 

      His eyes widen at the mockery that was present in your voice, but they quickly changed, they seemed like steel now. "I cancelled on you once" he reasoned, hands coming together to grip each other tightly. "Only once"

      "No, you cancelled after we already made plans once. You had been pushing around the dates that we planned and the hangouts 5 times at least! I guess that happens when you get a girlfriend" you commented, lips pulled back in a snarl, your face an menacing grimace now. 

      "Ohh so you can hang out with Hong Joong, but I can't hangout with Soojin" he chided, tone ice cold.

      "Don't compare the two. It's totally different" you reasoned, frustration causing your voice to raise. You turned to face him fully on the couch now, he seemed as agitated as you felt. "Besides I hanged out with Hong Joong the times that you left me stranded" you spat.

      He flinched at that. Head hanging low for a beat and then raising again, ready for a duel. "I like Soojin that's why I am hanging out with her. You were supposed to be happy for me. That was the deal" 

      It was your time to flinch at that. That was a low blow, even though he didn't know. "So why don't you go now to her?" You bitterly asked, looking away.

       He sat silent for a moment. Staring at his hands. When his voice shattered the silence.

  "I will confess tomorrow. That's what I wanted to tell you" he breathed, twisting his hands nervously at the thought, letting his guard down for a second.   

      Your heart plummeted in response to those words. It felt like an invisible hand went through your chest, grabbing your poor heart with its only purpose to rip her right out. 

Your vision that stayed nailed to the faded corner of your coffee table started blurring little by little, like you were looking at the world through mist eyed lenses. You closed your eyes not wanting to let the tears escape and betray the deviation you were felling inside right at this moment.

      "I guess the deal is over.. But I..I will see you around Y/N." He smiled an odd uncomfortable smile that showed the confusion he was feeling, and even though not a word come out of your mouth, he got up, gathered his things, walked to the front door and left.     

       Upon hearing the sound of the door closing the tears that you tried so hard to keep, were now slowly dripping down your face. Your mouth was trembling, lifting and dropping, as if it couldn't decide what expression to keep to express your sorrow better. Even breathing was more difficult now, due to the blockage in your nose. But all that wasn't what was important right now.

 You were losing him.You had lost him before having a chance to tell him how you feel.     

    Suddenly you weren't on the sofa anymore, you were up and running. Running after him. You flew out of the door and raced towards the stairs, you didn't have time to wait for the elevator to arrive, instead you headed to the stairs. When you reached the entrance your breath was unstable and the place under your ribs hurting from the sudden work out but you paid them mo mind. You run outside, turning your head left and right trying to locate his disappearing figure. There! There he was! By the end of the street, a lone figure, coat clad and on top of his head sat a very familiar cap. Your gift to him specifically. 

       "SEUNGMIN!" You yelled with all your might. He heard your panicked call and turned towards you. But before he could take a step to your direction, you were already running. Running before time caught up with you. 

      You reached him, panting from the rally. He looked beautiful. In the middle of the street, lights hitting him just right to appear ethereal, his hoodie and black thick coat made him appear warm in the cold winter night, almost like a beacon, calling you closer. His capped head cocked slightly to his right made him more adorable as he waited for you to breath normally and tell him why you chased after him.

    "I like you" you blurted out incapable of controlling your feelings anymore. "I like the way you always scold me when I do the wrong thing so I can try harder, l like when even though you pretend to be cold you are always so considerate, I like how you are always so adamant to be right and react so adorable when things don't go your way, I like how passionate you are. I like how we can be silent and watch stupid shows together. I like how you sent me every little thing you thing it's cute so you can share it with me. I like how easy are to get with, contrary to first opinions. I like how I am with you. I like who I am because of you. I like you Kim Seungmin" Tears were still filling your vision, you could now see your breath in front of you in the darkness of the night but you didn't care. You needed to tell him, you had told him and right then you felt so light like you could float away. 

     One look in his wide eyes though, told you that maybe you should fly away, flew the scene and most devastating of all something told you that maybe you couldn't have your chance after all.  

       "Y-Y/N I..I-" he tried getting out and your whole world tumbled down. "I don't know- I am not sure if I feel the same-" he could have stabbed your heart and it would hurt less than what you were feeling right now. 

He doesn't know. 

  A new set of tears came to your eyes, but this time you were incapable of holding them in. A sob was clawing it's way out of your throat, only escaping a mere second before you slapped your hand over your mouth in order to keep it in.

    "Y/N!" He exclaimed, taking a step towards you, hand raised as if to wipe your tears away, but your shaken step back stopped him. You shook your head as you took another step back. He didn't want you. Even though you told him everything.. he didn't want you. You turned around and blindly runned.

 "Y/N!!Y/N wait!"  He shouted after you.

   Nothing stopped you though.

   He didn't stop you. 

   An excruciating pain clawed at your chest making you blind to anything except your inner turmoil. You reached your apartment door in a pained haze, bursted in and let your sobs take over. Painful sob after painful sob racked you, making you unable to comprehend anything around you. You didn't know how much time you spent there against your front door, crying your heart out. All you knew was that you were light headed, your ears were ringing and your grip over the world was slipping. 

  It was exactly as you feared. 

  You had told him and you weren't enough to keep him. 

You weren't everything he wanted. 

You weren't good enough to love. 

You would never be good enough. 

You picked yourself up from the floor, took the remaining steps towards the sofa and slumped over it. You hadn't enough strength to fight the oblivion from taking over. The last image your mind concurred was of Seungmin-wide eyed in reaction to your confession and tears slipped down your eyes again as you finally slipped into the oblivion.

     After that night you had made it your mission to avoid him at all costs. 

  Your shame and pettiness didn't allow anything less than that. 

You had blocked both his number and his instagram, which you had crafted slowly together.

 Seungmin had made several attempts to contact you ever since that night. He had come by your workplace as he had deemed the phone useless by now but you had taken a couple days off work. Not wanting to worry your father with an unexpected surprise and not wanting to be alone in your apartment, you had crashed at Yuqi's for a few days, hoping your dramatic ass wasn't too much for her. Her roommate Soyeon rolled her eyes at you for crying over a boy but joined your pity party anyways, not able to resist pizza. 

    With exams drawing near, you unfortunately had to study. Looking at your notebooks and books filled with Seungmin's neat handwriting you felt like they mocked you. But you had to get through this, for this stupid scholarship you made the deal, for this you broke your heart. 

    Eventually you had to get back to work. Your days went smoothly, you ticked in, greeted your regulars, small talked with Jisung and now you were on the front on cashier's duty. You heard the door opening and you opened your mouth automatically to greet the customer, but the sight in front of you left your mouth dry. Seungmin bursted through the door, panting as he made a bee line straight to you. He came with such strength that he collided against the counter. He looked wild, hair a mess and clothes hastily put on. 

        "Y/N! Where- Nevermind! I need to talk to you." He got out, hands inching over the counter to reach you. 

      But you took a step back and with a tone as cold as you could muster you stated "I don't have anything to talk about with you" You could do this. You spent enough days crying over him. You wouldn't cry anymore. 

       "Please! I have to tel-" 

       "Seungmin." You cut him off, staring him dead in the eye. His desperate appearance and big eyes made you crumble a little inside. "I said everything I had to say. You gave me your answer. We have nothing to talk about" 

       "No you don't understand. I-" he rushed his words in order to get something across, but to his bad luck and to your good one, a customer cut your conversation short.

       "Excuse me? Can I order?" A unfamiliar face inquired. 

         "Yes, of course." You called over Seungmin's shoulder before turning to him "If you excuse me, I have work to do" you ushered him gently to the side and tried to pay him no mind. 

 Seungmin had made several other attempts to contact you.

 You still avoided him as much as you could, but it was a bit difficult when he stood there looking at you. You tried to not talk to him while he tried to corner you. You had instructed Ryunjin to not let him near you. You would break if you did. Even now the sad looks were getting to you. 

    This thing was going on for a week and a half. You hadn't spoken to each other seven days now if you included the small talk by the cashier the other day. You weren't ready to hear him, you weren't ready for him to tell you that he was together and happy with Soojin while you were over here, green with envy and with a large challenge in front of you.

 Exams were starting. 

   You weren't even there, neither mentally nor emotionally. But you had to fight it. Your scholarship depended on it.  

  Fake it till you make it.

  So fake it tou did. You forced yourself to work on your studies. In the mist of it all, little notes had been finding their way into your things.

Don't forget the formula! 

Keep on working hard!

Hope we can talk..

You had a pretty good idea on who was the writer.  

And it pained you greatly. Why was he going through all this trouble. You had gotten his message and while he was being nice trying to make sure you were alright, you would rather he wouldn't. He was making this too hard on you. 

He had Soojin now. All was good, right?

The truth was you hadn't seen him with Soojin,not once. The girl's visits were few now, that she had started on her finals (earlier as all the art students did), but when she appeared she had gifted you a knowing smile. A secret only she knew apparently, because you had no idea why she was looking at you like that. You didn't pointed that out, in fact you hadn't looked at her that much.

 And exams rolled in.

   The first three subjects were a success.. Of course you couldn't escape the dread that filled you everytime you sat behind the desk, but you had managed alright. It was manageable till now, but the big threats (maths and physics, you couldn't even utter their names!) had yet to come. 

 You had picked up less hours at the cafe in order to prepare yourself. You were a tutor down yet again, albeit this time a little more painful.

   And finally the d-day arrived. You raised your head, shoulders pulled back. 

Pens? Check. 

Pencils? Check. 

Water? Check. 

Student ID? Check. 

Note from Seungmin?... Check 

The little yellow note was safely tucked in your pocket last minut,e because you couldn't bear to part with it. He had sticked to your front door last night, you showed it when you came over from work and it had moved you to tears. Gosh, you were such a crybaby now!

 You knew that your conversation was long overdue. Three weeks have already passed and even though you wanted to, you couldn't bring yourself to. 

    But that was a problem that future Y/N had to deal with.

 Now you needed your head in the game. 

You had maths to do, you thought as you marched to your possible doom. 

 You had passed! 

The endless hours, the blood, the sweat and the tears you had spilled were all worth it. Admittedly you had made it barely, but you had made it! You had made an exceptional progress on physics too, acquiring a better grade than you originally thought you would.

   You were beyond happy and your immediately thought was of your beloved tutor. You should contact him, firstly to thank him and secondly for a conversation you had apparently left in the middle, what was left to say was beyond you. 

    You were playing with your phone currently, the contract named Puppy open and ready to be called. You bit your lips, your finger hovering above the button when a voice stopped you on your track.

   Soojin.

    "Hello Y/N" she pleasantly greeted, an ever lasting smile on her face.

   "Soojin, hi. The usual?" You asked, not in the mood for pleasantries. You had already turned your back to the girl to make her coffee.

   "To go, please" she called sweetly to you, getting a sharp nod in response. "How is Seungmin?" she asked, voice still dripping honey. You froze. While you didn't know Soojin that well, you didn't think she was the type to gloat in your face about her winning Seungmin's heart. You appeared to be wrong again. 

    "How should I know? Shouldn't I be asking you that?" You returned coldly, trying to hold yourself back. You were at work, you wouldn't be caught fighting like a 6-year-old for a doll you both wanted. Not that Seungmin was a price to be had. He was just as pretty as a doll thought.

    "Ahh, you still didn't talk with him" she signed. You turned to place her drink of choice on the counter, ready for her to be gone. "Why are you avoiding him?" She said, head cocked to the right, making her seem all too innocent for your liking. 

      You almost scoffed "I don't think this is any of your business" you answered while you took her card to ring up her order. 

     For the first time her face turned sour and a determinated pout appeared on her face "Well I am making it my own goddamn business. We talked with Seungmin. We made everything clear. He likes you and I like Eric" she answered, sassiness dripping from her tongue this time. 

    What?

   "What?" You voiced out loud, shock obvious on your face. Seungmin did what? 

    "Yeah, you know tall, blonde and handsome?" She quoted, raising her hand a ridiculous amount above her head to indicate Eric's height. 

    "I know how Eric is! I told him what drink you like for god's shake!" You exclaimed, teeth grinding together. 

     She looked like the cat who got the milk as she thanked you for that. You blinked.

     "I don't understand. You and Seungmin went on so many dates" you mumbled. 

     She looked quite guilty this time "I already apologized to Seungmin about that. I was trying to...make Eric jealous" she admitted, her eyes focused, all of a sudden, on the coffee in her grasp.

     "The photography exhibition?" You asked, dazed.

     "Eric was managing a tent there" she whispered, head low.

    "The movies?" You insisted.

    "A girl from Computer Science had invited him! Gosh, how much I don't like her! She always made heart eyes at him!" She scoffed, sounding much like you when you cursed her in your head.

    You felt your jaw slagging, mouth open whole you stared at her. Really? Seungmin liked you? 

     She glanced at you, seeing how you were taking it all in. "He told me he thought that he liked me. When I asked him what did he meant by 'he thought', he explained the deal to me. He seemed so happy when he talked about you, content." She smiled at you, that knowing smile she had been sending lately. "When I asked him if he perhaps liked you, he blinked and nodded. He even apologized!" She giggled and you joined too. Socially awkward and adorable as always. "He cares about you. And I think you should talk to him, Y/N" she finished. 

    You nodded, still dazed from all the information. She saluted you silently and walked out the door.

    What Soojin said stayed with you. You weren't sure if she was being truthful or not, but you had already decided to contact him, you reasoned with yourself. At least that's what you told yourself as you send the message at 10 p.m. 

       You had fully expected to be left on read for days maybe even to beg him him for a small talk, so the immediate response, needless to say, surprised you. The answer left you at a total loss.

   You immediately tensed up. You hadn't expected him to rush here that late. But better now than never, you guessed. 

    Not even twenty minutes later, there was knocking on your front door. You took a deep breath and opened your door.

     And there he stood. He was panting, as if he sprinted here, his face was flushed and adorably nervous. His eyes ranked over you, taking you in the way you were doing to him right now.

You watched him for a moment too long, the weeks of not seeing him were catching up with you. He looked tired as well, he had bags under his eyes and his face was sucked in. Worry fleetingly took over you as you took a step in his direction, but the way his eyes were, so intensely, focused on you, not shying away, reminded you of your situation. Letting out a breath you took a step back, allowing him to enter your home. His eyes fell from your face momentarily as he took the step in, gently closing your door behind him.

       The two of you stood there, tense and not knowing where to begin. You had said everything that you had to say, so you stood there utterly defeated. Discarded in favor of Soojin by the very boy that stood in your living room. By the very first boy that was begging to win your heart. Or do you thought. If what Soojin had said to you was true...then why reject you? Tears threatened to make an appearance (as they often did those days) but you pushed them back and sucked your cheek. "How have you been? Did you do good on your exams?" You asked, a small smile on your lips as you gestured at your couch.

       He returned the awkward smile you sent him, taking a seat across you. "I am doing.. alright, I guess. I have done well in my exams. You?" He asked, pointing at you. 

         A bigger smile overtook your face. "We did it!" You exclaimed as you wanted to do since the morning that you learned the news.  "I mean, it was a little above average but... I passed nonetheless" you cheered. 

      He made a grimace "A little above average?" He asked, scrunching his nose.

      "What? Will you say you teached me better than that?" You inquired, lounging better in your spot, smiling all the way up to your ears.

     "Will you throw me out if I say that?" He asked, head cocking to the side. His tone was a mix of sassiness and uncertainty.

     You deserved that, you guessed. "No, I will not" you mumbled, not able to look into his eyes. 

    "Then, yes. I taught you better than that" he quoted, lightly giggling to easy up the tension. It brought a smile to your face, but you quickly sobered up.

     "Why are you here, Seungmin?" You asked, plain and simple, tired.

      The boy took a breath, shoulders squaring as if to ready himself "I am sorry" 

A slap. 

Right on your face. You swallowed your words and returned nothing, wanting to hear what he had come here to say. "I was an idiot. A moron. When you told me you..liked me, I hadn't thought about it. I mean..we ar-" he looked at the floor briefly as if willing himself to remember pointers he wrote, but he picked up when he left off shortly "We are close. We talk every day, we joke around, watch movies together. I had gotten used to you, you were an ally, a friend. I hadn't thought about you in..that light.." you turned your face away, facing the wall, a few stray tears escaping your eyes. He took notice of your state, quickly scooting over, closer to you, one hand on your arm, the other gripping feather light the place your neck and jaw connected. You raised your hands, a motion that meant to shoo him away, but he didn't budge. He stood there looking over you, worried and painfully tender. 

      "That was what I thought I felt. But Y/N, I don't face time my friends everyday for hours, I don't text them to remind them to study or eat, I don't have reminders to tell me to text them, I.. don't catch myself thinking they are pretty or wishing they were closer when we are watching movies..I don't dance with them and think they are beautiful and wish I could kiss them." he continued, voice quieter as he went on, the last part almost inaudible. If you weren't in front of him, almost locked in his arms, you wouldn't be able to hear him. 

But you could. 

And your heart was pumping so hard that you could hear it in your ears, your breath was short. You were hanging from his every word. What? What was he saying? 

"I didn't ran like a madman to find a pair of earrings for them. The exact copy of the earrings they were looking at the festival..I failed at that one, but I think cherry blossoms suit you better anyway" he breathed, a low laugh escaping him. How he could remember that was beyond you. Had he always paid that much attention to you? 

"I don't go mad when I don't talk to them for a few days" he whined, clearly embarrassed if the flush on his face and ears said something. "I don't beat myself up for hesitating to return their feelings" he finished. 

      That was a confession? "What then?What am I, Seungmin? What am I to you?" You challenged, looking him straight at the eyes. Yours reflected resolution and a fiery temper, his.. reflected guilt and affection, that much you could read, but also pain and hopefulness. 

    He took a shaky breath and dived in, sealing his lips over your own. You stood frozen for a moment, Seungmin overtaking all of your senses. All you could smell was his manly and wonderful cologne, all you could taste was the mint on his lips and an essence, so clearly him you couldn't explain otherwise. All you could feel were his soft hands clasping you affectionately, his plush lips on your, his eyelashes tickling you gently. All you saw, before closing your eyes, was fluffy hair and his beautiful face coming closer. You got lost in the moment, reciprocating the kiss before your mind could talk you out of it. You reached up, waving your hands into his soft hair, bringing him closer. Your mouth opened, inviting him in and pressed yourself complete onto him, wanting to fell him touch every inch of you. You kissed him fiercely, with a passion, he gladly returned. You felt him draping himself around you, holding you desperately and with a passion you hadn't expected to show to your person.

 All you now was that you were experiencing pure bliss. You didn't want it to end.

        You didn't know how much time you were kissing, tasting each other eagerly, having gotten lost at the feelings but eventually you had to part to get some air inside of you. You didn't exactly separate, he retreated just enough so he can rest his forehead against yours. You could feel his breath in your mouth, that was also covered in the taste of him. You opened your eyes to look at him, seeing him already gazing adoring at you. And then he spoke.

        'I like you" he stated confidently. Face flushed, lips even more kissable than before and eyes alit. "You never were just a friend in my mind. I just...I never have been in a serious relationship..I didn't know what I was supposed to be looking for. But when they asked me what I wanted and I started describing, I realized I was describing you, Y/N" he whispered, nusling closer to your face. The proximity was driving you crazy and his words was making it worse. It was all too much to take in at once. 

  "Soojin" you mumbled, the close distance between your faces allowing him to hear you. "What about her? You said you like her" you mewled, pained. The same guilty feeling resurfaced on his face again and his hands tightened around you. 

       "I am so so sorry" he nearly sniffled. As soon as you heard the little sniffle, alarms went off inside your head and you immediately drew closer, hiding your face on the crook of his neck, arms tenderly patting him for comfort. You felt him rest his head on top of yours and nussle his face in your hair. "I thought I did. I hadn't thought about the chance that you.. I didn't know what I was feeling and God-" he took a big breath and started again "I thought I liked her, but when you confessed, don't get me wrong I was super surprised but I couldn't get you out of my mind, so I told her. And it ended up being alright because she-" 

     "Likes Eric. I know" you completed. 

     "How?" He asked.  

You crewed your neck back in order to see him better and gave him a small smile. "She came over at work. She spilled everything. And for the matter, I think they look cute together." 

   "Hey! Are you calling me ugly?!" He protested lightly, hands tickling you and making you let out loud giggles.

     "Stop!" You shrieked, burrowing yourself deeper in his arms. He did and hugged you tighter in return. "I think you look cuter with me" you cheekily murmured squished against his neck.

   He laughed briefly and slowly he unwinded himself from around you. You immediately missed his warmth.

      "I am so sorry for all of this" he got out, guiltily. "I have made a mistake. A stupid one. And ..and if you take me back I promise not to make the same ones again. I promise to listen to you and try to express myself more...I.."he trailed off, unsure what else to promise you. You quietly giggled to yourself. 

You liked him too much to hold it over him. You liked him too much for you own good.

 So you smiled and wrapped your arms around his neck again. He immediately cradled you near, not missing the chance to hold you. 

      "You promise to never make the same mistake again? And talk to me instead of mumbling nonsense?" You inquired, your hands reaching up to cradle his face gently. He closed his eyes for a moment in tot bliss, before snapping them open and nodding.

      "I promise" he stated. 

       "And you must promise to do what I ask of you" you pouted, dragging the words out, now in a playful mood. 

       But he eagerly nodded his head, taking your every request without complains. "I promise"

       "Even when I ask you to go photoshooting with me?" You wondered, eyes scanning him. But he easily let out a giggle, nodded before ducking to kiss your nose, setting off butterflies in your stomach. You pressed your lips together in order to seal a smile before continuing. 

     "Even when I ask you to watch boring dramas with me?" You asked, eyebrows raising, remembering his distain in your pickings. 

        "Mmhhmm"he let out easily, as his eyes swept over you with literal stars sprawled over them. 

     "Even when the Wyverns are on and you wanna see them?" You mischievously asked, beaming up at him. He chuckled, drawing you closer than ever, not an inch separating your bodies. 

       "Even then" he agreed, content with you in his arms. 

        "You got yourself a deal then" you said, cheekily, peaking up at him. He opened his eyes at the sound of that, meeting your gaze, full of intent and tenderness. Now affection and playfulness twirled in his own eyes, so much in contrast with the cold boy that you had met all those months ago.

        "Deal" he said, reaching down to seal this deal with a press of our lips.

[hotdrinks]

MARCILLE. In tumblr terms or whatever id describe her as failgirl. most of dunmeshi involves everyone going "wow this food is so good and fresh and yummy" and she throws a fit and rolls on the ground and screams and cries about how she DOESNT wanna eat it, she'll NEVER it it and if she eats this monster she'll DIE for REAL this time- and 2 minutes later shes eating it like "omg guys this is so good. this is so fucking good this is the best thing ive ever eaten" she suggested luring and killing a monster by sacrificing a dog and then admitted shed never caught one because she was too sad about the dog. because falin was the healer of her party she took the opportunity to learn every insane spell she could and now mostly does explosions. when nearly fatally wounded and hardly able to speak, having spent hours unconcious, she managed to scream 1 time because the others werent giving her enough of the monster food they cooked and she wanted more. she wears open toed sandals and no socks in a dungeon. she was against breaking the law 1 time to annoy senshi and now everytime shes faced with the fact that she has to break a law she goes "oh well" and carries on anyway. when asked how she met the love of her life she started the story by rambling about how she was a straight A grad student who had to ASK to be in the NORMAL classes and everyone loved her and admired her and thought she was the best. She does dark magic (highly illegal) but i once saw her described as the sort of person who wears crocs and white pants to a hike. She brought soap to a dungeon and got upset when it was melted by a dragon.

sorry. i like marcille. its an honor to be kin assigned her honestly

THANK YOU for the marcille info i love her for real now!!!

[jennyandvastraflint]

What the Doctors are doing on the Ides of March.

(please feel free to add to this list, I wanted to make one but don't feel confident speaking on the Classic Who Doctors I haven't seen yet)

Third Doctor: man is always up for some violence. Might deck Caesar with some Venusian karate.

Fourth Doctor: He probably disguised himself as the soothsayer. Which might be why Caesar was not inclined to believe him. May or may not join the senators later.

Seventh Doctor: Little angry Scotsman who commits war crimes regularly probably is the reason for the whole thing. Went around the senate mumbling "Are you really going to let him treat you like that? Maybe you should unionise to teach him... A lesson." Considered throwing some Nitro-9 at Caesar.

War Doctor: Is too busy with the Time War. (feel free to add) Wouldn't stab Caesar because he's got enough blood on his hands.

Ninth Doctor: Totally down for stabbing Caesar. History has to happen that way, might as well give it a little nudge to make sure... *stabs Caesar* When a blonde woman and a man with no eyebrows wish him Happy Ides, he says the same.

Tenth Doctor: Would deliver a "Make the foundation of this society a man who never would" speech 15 minutes before Caesar's arrival. Then he'd leave and pat himself on the back for having saved a man's life.

Eleventh Doctor: Can see this go one of two ways... 1) He defends Caesar and is besties with him (y'know to add to the list of very questionable historical figures Eleven is friends with) or 2) he'd wish people Happy Ides of March before Caesar gets stabbed. Might wish it to Caesar too which causes him to be even more positive about his day.

Twelfth Doctor: Feels similar to Seven... They might rile up people together. Alternatively, he disguised himself as a Senator to get his turn stabbing Caesar. Also brings popcorn to the stabbing.

Thirteenth Doctor: Probably doesn't show up in person but watches from the distance. She sent all the conspirators prettily wrapped matching knives. With a note that wishes everyone happy stabbing. Full on celebrates the Ides of March, she is a Child of Tumblr.

Fugitive Doctor: Probably on a forced mission for Division over the Ides. Would stab Caesar without the senate present and deliver 23 wounds on her own. But unfortunately she has work to do. Does watch tho, and wonders who these two colourful clowns are that wish everyone Happy Ides. Probably plays with the thought of Ceasar-ing the leaders of Division.

Please feel free to add the Doctors I've missed! And happy Ides of March!!

[akaakeis]

sav the terriblest thing has happened......... i joined english coaching.............

okay its not that bad the guy was my ninth grade english teacher and hes kind of a w

i also found out my current english teacher is mentally ill and not one of her students got 90+ in english like..

#notmepls

ANYWAYS

this Means that i shall be offline when ur usually first online during the day on sundays tuesdays and thursdays throws up

ive alr been so busy and i was like omg #textingsav and then i realised we probably wont talk today and also the only time we'll talk is

wait omg no school tmr we WILL talk tmr which will be ur today

the way im just. rambling in ur inbox but its ok bc ur u and im me #neverdoingthisanywhereelse

next thing . wait i forgot im remembering

oKAY remembered 👍 ERM i got like a. 68 on my english test and apparently this mentally ill woman marked it wrong and i shouldve gotten an erm. wait calculating. at least an 88 LIKE GIRL WHAT THE FREAKKKKKKKKK

in other news erm why i cried in the last four days list .

i love my sister

i love my friends

english grade

teacher yelled at me

there was no garlic bread at home

i got disconnected from dti

i didnt want to get up and change

the electricity cut off five times and i couldnt play genshin properly

tumblr wasnt loading

86 eighty-six

hashtag periods i love periods

in other news i also love maths like i WAS a maths girl i AM a maths girlie i will always BE a maths girlie it is THE subject of all time and if anyone disagrees then they're wrong (unless it's u because what can i say. i always agree with cute girls🤷‍♀️)

also like i said id tell you about the smau but literally erm. i forgot.. what was supposed to happen.. i have two lines ill dm them to u or something 😭😭😭😭 WAIT I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING ELSE AND THEN I FORGOT IT IM GOING TO SOB.

OH YES spilling school tea

our chem teacher used to tutor this one girl and he flirted with her mom at 1am on wahtsapp and facebook and then his wife divorced him😭😭

this one girl's picture got taken. like a norm picture. and then her bf and some people fought over it. like physically. at coaching. LOL INSANE

english physics and chemistry departments of our school are failing everyone is underpaid and leaving

my english teacher is senile but we mentioned that already i think

ANYWAYSSSS UNINTENTIONAL YAP ASK I LITERALLY JUST CAME HERE TO SAY IM MORE BUSY THAN BEFORE LMFAO. look where we are. oh omg im so #scared #excited #terrified for us w/o u part 2 thats flipping SCARY IM SCARED anyways how are u? feel free to yap in the answers if u do answer it and uhhh take care stay safe love u mwa mwa dm me whenever

LINA MY LOVE!! this is gonna be long i fear. oh dear.... ok so english coaching is not fun good luck with that 😕

well at least the guy is cool ‼️

im sorry but lowkey... #wbk about that one i fear!! I ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE WAS A LITTLE MENTALLY ILL? IS THAT JUST ME OR

anyway if u dont get 90+ in english send her my way I WILL FIGHT FOR YOUR GRADE SO HARD you deserve a good grade!!! i can tell you've been putting in the effort + im proud of u!!1!!1!1

NOOOOOO WE WONT BE ABLE TO TALK AS MUCH 🙁 lwt me think so today is thursday and youll be on on mondays wednesdays fridays + saturdays as normal presumably? THATS OKAY i usually wake up latw on thursdays because i sleep late and its a whole mess... i was nearly late this morning harhar ANYWAY POINT BEING WE WILL STILL BE ABLE TO TALK TO WE'LL BE GOOD

girl me too <//3 was so locked in on tuesday you should've seen me writing my article for the magazine + writing out the rest of my speech and finalizing ITS SO BUSY RN ICB IT

these timezones are confusinf me hello i am so lost as i read this! 12 hrs apart w you ahead is all ik regarding this

ANYWAY WE WILL FIND TIME AND WE WILL MAKE IT WORK ITLL JUST TAKE A MINUTE FOR ME TO FIGURE IT OUT

its okay i live laugh love for ur asks actually im sitting in my room smiling as i type out this reply to ur ask... inbox yap hour MY FAV

A 68 IS ACTUALLY INSANE GOODBYE how did she screw up the grade so bad 😭 she can catch these fists for that one LIKE HOW DO U GET IT 20% OFF THIS IS NOT A CLEARANCE SALE MISS!!

HELP all of these reasons are equally valid 😞 periods really get me fucked up fr i think im about to get mine too smh

that is SO valid lina math is honestly a good subject 🙂‍↕️ not my fav but i honestly enjoy the class cause it's 1) simple for me 2) my tablemates are so odd to the point of being hilarious and 3) my teacher is gay and we found his grindr profile so i always giggle when i think about that HAHDBDN so math class is just heaps of fun

NOOOO I WAS SO EXCITED TO HESR ABT THE SMAU U NEED TO SEND ME THE TWO LINES U HAVE SOON!!1!!1!1 STOP I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS BUT IT HAPPENS TO ME SO OFTEN ITS AWFUL

ok THE CHEM TEACHER??? wow okay so thats crazy! HIS WIFE DIVORCING HIM TOO PLEASE SO DESERVED everyone point and laugh!!! L man!!!!

HELP WHY WERE THEY EVEN FIGHTING IF IT WAS JUST A NORMAL PICTURE THATS SO WILD?? 😭 like guys its not that deep </3

WHAT. so like is this hyperbole or is literally everyone going to leave bc of being underpaid and whatnot CAUSE THATS SO BAD 

senility✊😞 what a trooper/j

ITS OKAY I ENJOYED READING ALL OF THAT!!!  PLEASE PRIORITIZE ALL YOUR STUDIES THEYRE THE MOST IMPORTANT <3 I HOPE YOU DONT BURN OUT FROM BEING MORE BUSY THAN BEFORE BC I KNOW I DEFINITELY DID WHEN I HAD VOLLEYBALL.. SO TAKE THINGS EASY AND DONT STRESS YOURSELF TOO MUCH PLEASE!!! ILY ILY ILY!! oh okay so us without me pt 2 is probably gonna be BAD BAD cause it will b talking about how he was actually in love w eden since BEFORE he had moved and all that so itll be extra angst talking about before he had moved 😸 basically timeskips briefly showing how he gives you less and less affection as the time he leaves draws near AHAHAH ITS GONNA BE BAD

+ im alright!!! no homework for once in a blue moon so im sitting here relaxing i feel so good rn <3 i have an iced matcha latte and a cake pop I AM LIVE LAUGH LOVING

so i dont have much to yap about at this moment but i just got back from school SOOOO ill yap about that!!

starting off strong i woke up an hour + 15 mins late and had 20 minutes to get ready and eat... i was almost late this morning BUT i have fitness first thing in the morning on my a-days (we work on an a/b schedule!!) and my teacher always comes late to that!! so i had time to dress down and i BOOKED IT to the weight room + made it!! in that class we basically just do weightlifting + my usual partner wasnt there bc she had a golf tournament... so i was with some of my other friends for lifting!! was kinda thriving bc my other partner usually does heavier weights + they did lighter ones SO I WAS REALLY REALLY FAST W MY SETS i was very proud!!

then i went into second period (i have bio) and we were doing a lab where we examined some cells in onions, tomatoes, + the inside of our cheeks (ew) but basically we had to group up and im not rly fond of one of the girls that r in my group cause she doesn't talk much she just squeezes in to look through the microscope so it annoys me 😞 ANYWAY THE LAB WAS LIGHT WORK GOT IT DONE IN 30 MINS and then i had like an hour of free time after that so i asked for a hall pass and i roamed the halls for a bit 😸 after that i have to go to advisory + i was just helping people w math hw and doing some of the nyt games to kill my boredom (oh and drivers ed stuff!!)

at lunch i was just sitting with some of my friends and playing imessage games with them 😭 then we went into the gym and played volleyball for a bit!!

after lunch i had geo and i was taking notes like a madman i fear... dk if ive said this before but like ohhh man everyone makes a point of telling me how small my hand writing is its so annoying 😭 i heard that three times during class today and i was literally done LIKE STOP LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE ‼️

theeeen i had my speech + debate CLASS not to be confused with my club!! i already finished my oratory so i just played games the entire period 😻 lots of fun would recommend!!! i just hate the teacher cause he's always telling me to go back to my seat WHEN IM HELPING HIS STUDENTS CATCH UP ON WORK like ok! sorry for trying to help you fix the mistakes you made when teaching them how to make their speeches! goodness! my bad! anyway hes my opp 😒

AND THATS MY DAY!! anyway take care stay safe i love you!!! MWAHH <3

[enlighten3d]

tada dot point oc lore that i thought up on my plane ride tonight (just got home agh finallyyy) and yes. this is a curse now. oc lore be upon ye/silly :3

-So Tim (janette’s dad) did leave for a reason other than oh weird cult. Diana did try to kill him. He’s blind in his right eye because of it (she had to kill someone to become the cult leader)

-Janette shot huan lin in the back of the head and then immediately hopped back in the car they were driving and sat there in dead silence. and then got jumpscared by huan’s ghost who was like ‘WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT’/hj

-Dana and Tim were a highschool couple (guy who’s ‘alternative’ for the 60’s and very religious girl the couple ever)

-Janette originally was meant to be in a polycule/qpr thing with josh and adele but then @koymoa made adele a terrible person so. lore happened.

-ADELE IS KIND OF THE REASON FOR CLAIRE’S DEATH AND RYAN SAW HIS SISTER’S BODY GET DECAPITATED. poor guy.

okok byeee i will send non lore related asks i promisee

I WOULDVE REPLIED TO THIS EARLIER BUT TUMBLR PUT ME IN POST JAIL RAHHHHH (posted too much. i hate post limit ): )

OC LORE BE UPON ME 💥💥‼️ i have been fed... just so you know, this is like.. throwing enrichment into my enclosure. enrichment that i also eat. this is great.

O H. OH BOY. HALF-BLIND HUH?? WELL THATS F U N . id imagine that didnt affect his life in any way /s. does he wear an eyepatch..... he should wear an eyepatch.. (/nf, this is just Silly). what does he say when ppl ask him how he lost the eye.. "oh my evil cult leader ex-wife tried to kill me. its fine tho ! i took one of our children and left the other to suffer (:"

AHEHFJFJR. huan lin mustve been SOOO confused ngl. one second he wasnt dead... the next he was, and was a GHOST at it. imagine your best friend killing you, you become a ghost, find her, and shes just sitting ominously in her car..... gods, poor janette. did she even expect the ghost?? she mustve, right? considering her mum already haunts her...

weird fucking power couple ngl.. in the bad way LMAO

..oh how the turns table..... imagine happy qpr jodelette (thats their ship name now /hj (there is probably already ship names and shit, i just dont know them so im making stuff up so i dont have to type out all their names zWhmJEJFR)) meeting Fucked Up jadele. like. how would that go down. these guys are Silly and Happy, no fucked up bullshit... and these guys want to literally kill eachother and are traumatised as fuck. would evil adele want to kill happy adele. would she. id bet she would ... little acrophobic motherfucker..

OH. ?? RYAN!?? YIU GOO?? poor guy.. what the fuvk.. first his arm gets chopped off by his gf, next his sister gets decapitated which is somehow caused by his mother?? (idk if thats the actual order of events) oh thats Fun. giving the guy. a shock blanket, i swear

ALSO. WHAT HAPPENS TO OLIVER. PLEASE TELL ME. I FORGOT TO ASK THST. (olivers kemis kid right? the one that tim just drops off at janettes place and then Leaves?? it was smth like that..)

SEND ME ALLLL THE LORE ASKS EVER. I WILL EAT THEM !!! GOOD SOUP!! ENRICHMENT !!! heheheheh

[buckieduckie2]

why i joined tumblr and why i ship byler- cause i want to info dump cause i can

i wanna tell everyone why i got on tumblr because i can and i want to

so i got on tumblr because of byler during august. i started shipping byler during july.

i was kinda late to the stranger things party and i didnt actually watch it until may of 2022, but funny enough, it WASNT because of season 4 at all actually. my friend just really really wanted me to watch it because she thought id like it. she was riiiiiggghhthttttt.

yeah lmfao i didnt watch stranger things cause there was so much hype around season 4, i watched it because i wanted something gay to watch cause my heart stopper hyperfixation had just gone away and i still needed something gay to watch. i dm my friend saying "hey, do you have anything gay to watch because i need to watch something gay" and she gave me a list and was like "richie from IT is gay" and "will from stranger things is gay" and of course MY brain translated this to "mike is gay" because of notions from before hand i had about this little known to me character mike and also the fact that i knew that finn wolfhard played richie so i mistook will for mike because i was thinking the FCU and- yeah

so yeah i watched stranger things because a) my frined really wanted me to and b) the knowlege that mike was gay and thats what pushed me

anyways to safe to say i was THOROUGHLY confused when they started pulling the mike and el narraitve cause i LEGITEMATELY just thought it was straight canon like genuinelly- i had already imagined what i thougt the coming out scene would be like for him- LMFOAOOOO

anyways back on track- so then mike and el kissed and ill admit i was a lil disappointed but i was like fuck it ig theyre cute and then proceeded to be BLINDEDDDDDD by comp het. twas a very sad three next seasons for me in retrospect 😔

so then i saw the "its not my fault you dont like girls" and then i was like- oh yeah this is the dude my friend was talking about

ANYWAYS

so yeah why i got on tumblr?

cause i got on pinterest andnndndnd yk naturally statrted filling my feed with stranger things stuff and of course i loved will cause he was gay and that made me so like omgggggg yass hes gay and that makes me so happy- but like i didnt ship byler- I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA GET TO SEE ONE DUDE IN THE VERY LAST SCENE HELP 💀🖐 i now realize im allowed to hold myself to better standards

so everytime i would see something byler related id be like, yeahhhhhhh its cute but not for me </3 cause i was like "yeah will likes mike but obvi mike doesnt like will back 🙄" and i thought it was a lil kookie and also was a firm believer that mike was straight cause yk i love throwing away all my suspicions that were raised while watching season 4 yk i love just forgetting everything 💀

and THEN one faitful day in july i was over at my friends house (The same gril who made me wtch stranger things) and we were watching gay stranger things edits on tiktok (as ya do) and GIRLIE

there was one edit- (and usually as i was watching these compilations i would just ignore the byler stuff and-) it was a rink-o-mania edit

need i say more

i saw that look

i SAW THAT LOOK

and i knew

we paused the video immediately and were like "well- i mean i know that mike is straight-" "yeah exactLy-" "but-" "but-" "but right there-" "yeah i dont know that-" "that seemed pretty gay-" "but mike is straight, right?" "yeah- yeah..- mike is straight..." "yeah..." "...yeah..."

literally how it went

anyways so then im like- its running thorugh my head all evening and like- that sole video was enough to like 99% convince me he was gay- like cmon fellas lets be real here. anyways so yeah i was now 99% convinced that mike was gay or not straight yk (im a gay mike truther now) and we talked about it for a lil and

yeah so then i started paying more attention to the byler posts on my pinterest page and i started reading theroies, all of which were tumblr screen shots and i started really convinceing myself- still was on the fence but-

the one post, and one of the first posts that i read. and the post that conviced me was "Why I no longer think Mike Wheeler is Bi, but Gay" yk the iconic post from @kaypeace21? yeah so i read that and was like "fuck im convinced" and then i proceeded to read the entirety of the byler slides over the course of a 3 day period and fully fully convinced myself

and yeah i kept looking at theories on pinterest screen shotted from tumblr and yk byler was my everything (and still very much is) and i loved pinterest and spent all of my time on there and- 💀 i read- i read w- wh- wattpad fics 💀😟 BUT ITS OKAY because i actually found a pretty good collection of one shots on there but- nah man after one specific fic i found i had to call it quits cause i couldnt handle it anymore 💀💀💀💀

and then i found one poster on pinterest that would just do daily updates on the byler tag on tumblr and eventuallyyyyyy i decided tumblr looked really fun and i was tired of just watching afar tired of WAVING FROM A WINDOW WOOOOAAHHHOWOWAHHHOOOHHH

yeah so i decided enough was enough and i wanted to be directly at the source and part of the action

and now im here <33333

and yeah so i have officially upgraded from Pinterest and Wattpad™ to AO3 and Tumblr™ and thank the lord too 😟🙏

@l0v3c0r3e peer presuring you into reading this entire unit of a post

[airabuhan]

hello tumblr there is no 280 character limit on here so i'm going to throw ALL my kohaai fic thoughts out into the wild here that i almost never do on the other app i’m active on…

i have so many fic ideas i’ve never finished and kohaai aus i would love to elaborate on,, the fics on my ao3 now i care for very much and i think are just silly and fun but i have even more ideas that are currently SO neglected by me… most people don’t even know i /have/ an ao3 which i think is silly,, it’s my open secret only the real ones know

there's this one fic wip i have that i'm pretty proud of for certain sections while others i just want to completely rewrite… it's a soulmate au, and it's been sitting in my docs for over a year now… i did want to finish it for kohaai week which i hosted a couple weeks ago on twitter (btw the fanworks from that ship week are so amazing and i'm so happy it was successful on the bird app) but that did not happen… it’s not even remotely halfway done but it’s sitting at 5k words which is more than i’ve ever published on my account before too 😭 every time i revisit it i’m always like. damn. why can’t this fic write itself?! but alas, writers block is evil and i’ve never been one to classify myself as much of a writer anyways

still, kohaai roams my brain CONSTANTLY and they motivate me to create content for them and id love to properly explore my ideas more in fic form (and in art as well… both?) did y’all know i love kohaai? only they could rot my brain so much as to make me practice drawing and even pick up fic writing again for them

[37q]

not even being resentful or engaging in bad faith here i genuinely think social justice voyeurs on tumblr got burnt out on reading critiques of stuff they didnt have the energy or drive to negotiate with in their personal lives.

this happened around 2017 ish, maybe before the twt exodus, when at some point the voiceless masses stopped reblogging those deeper critiques based on years of foundational build-up bcuz so many ppl were, until then, just suspending their disbelief for their "listen to marginalized voices" performance, and whatever that breaking point was made them shift from "nuanced interrogation" to "passive survival".

like during the pandemic for ex people got upset and were very smart sometimes, and then people got so mad at people getting upset, and then we all sucked back in to our most comfortable self-affirmations like how humor was one of the only things keeping intangible friend groups together. sure as hell cant bond forever over complex trauma.

my god the elevation of humor as like a social object over all critique and action... the virology of privately shared memes, the black and white publicity of thoughtfulness; if youre not fully entrenched in or committed to alternative lifestyles then the role humor plays in your group identity formation will be of status quo comfort.

humor pulls the ends of something we know and plucks it to make the sound of our laughter, with the distance and tension between the poles producing the frequency. and the thing about comfort is that... well actually i dont care to get into it like that. all i know is that nostalgia and comfort are crazy for anyone under, like, 45-50 at this point, and any kinda of meme can serve that purpose.

we dont see these objects of humor as any thing. they exist only in our appreciation, a prompt without cause. its so odd to me because i feel like it was only yday that ppl were unafraid to get long-winded about something seemingly innocuous, but now anything serious over a joke is just totally inappropriate.

i feel like so many ppl have jettisoned their critical compassion for the sake of small pleasures. sometimes i dont blame them because if i could find a cheap laugh somewhere id take it, but then i come back to my reality where cheap laughs are blatantly reactionary. it makes me wanna throw up a lil what my friends friends can detach from enough to laugh at.

see thats the thing about humor being elevated to its status as a social object -- we dont see anything for what it is or what it does, we detach it from social life but now our social life from it. we need to push back against "maybe the curtains are just blue", because its seriously meddling with ppls willingness to interrogate how we ourselves interpret seemingly neutral messaging!

its not intentional, because nobodys signing up to shill for their prison anymore, but we carry with us all the funny little stigmas that feel good to pluck, and it feels even better to pluck them in an orchestra! we "propagandize" ourselves and each other: the "cop in our head" seeks safety and order, and she conditions our social instincts to decay and stasis instead of growth. be skeptical of comfort!

we are given the tools to make meaning and play with it, but so many ppl are just too tired to consider who made those tools! the value we derive from humor and its conditions comes from somewhere, and its our responsibility to trace the ethical lineage of our actions imo!

[shoehedd]

So fucking long 2023!

o7

This year was super hard. We lost our home after the winter eviction ban ended. We had plenty of notice and started saving for a home and got stuff together for a mortgage app last year. Which is when we discovered my boss wasn't paying any tax at all. (here your employer pays your income tax on a weekly or monthly basis, it's handy because you don't have to file yourself... as long as your employer isn't on the take).

It wasn't the best news.. it led to a lot of bullshit. The boss, she tried to get me to quit, went on a full offensive. Suddenly I was shite at my job, I had extra work, I wasn't allowed leave despite being there voluntarily for 0 pay some days, I was barred from doing commission work while in the shop (again despite being unpaid and not under contract), she took my desk away, and a heap of other things. The boss stopped speaking to me for weeks at a Time, she'd take clients away from me, she would order replacement gear that was incorrect, she complained that I took 4 days off (unpaid again) to move my stuff out of the apt and into storage. She told me I should sleep in my storage unit, she got blood on my table and some of my gear and I had to throw it all out, shed often berate my clients for showing up early, write their appointments on the wrong days or the wrong times or not at all or at times, triple book a slot. All because I had the nerve to bring this to her and say "hey this is your responsibility to put right, please do the right thing for all of us".

That's when the gaslighting started, she"d always, apparently, been totally upfront with how much fraud she was going to commit on our behalf. Fuck off.

It was a dark time. I just needed to save enough to leave. I had a tentative brush with a bigger shop in the city, but it didn't work out. Self esteem was gone. Stopped drawing entirely, stopped programming. Real dark night of the soul shit. I was quickly losing options, and hope. People were getting sick of me. Every waking g minute was spent in agony. Obsession, anger and betrayal, failure and defeat. My future disappeared, id wasted 10 years if my life, my career was over, my home was gone, my savings were illegitimate, my pension, I don't even want to think of my public pension, probably not happening.

I was left to sort my own taxes. Paying late fees can really fuck you over. I've experienced that now. lucky me! Looking that scumbag in the face every day after that was a crash course in self control.

Anyway, so the boss couldnt keep it between just me and her and lashed out at the entire staff. Eventually my apprentice piercer walked out. It wasn't warning enough for the boss so she continued. Eventually she fucked over our tattoo artist and apprentice, got called on it and started freezing her out too. for a period of time she would ONLY COMMUNICATE WITH THE TATTOO APPRENTICE AND NO OTHER STAFF MEMBER. So the artist quit. And seeing as the artist was teaching the apprentice, she also left. Which left me alone with her. FOR MONTHS

more dark night of the soul goes here.

But this is where my story looks up, lads. See the 3 of us were conspiring. We know how to run a shop together, between the 3 of us. And so the plan was put in motion. 2 weeks after she quit the artist was jn her own brand new studio, 3 weeks later the apprentice had arrived. And then finally, finally, after ten years of working in the shop, in November I handed in my notice. 100% staff attrition in 2023, every single employee had left.

I'm renting a spot in that same new studio now. Been 5 weeks so far and... well I make less money atm, but we are hoping people find out we've all gone and come over. We're in the same town which is apparently a fucked up thing to do but.. now I think about it, the person who told us that was that scumbag ex boss of ours.

I'm drawing again, which you can probably tell from following this tumblr. I'm programming again. I have shower thoughts about OCs and monster design instead of hopeless, desperate plotting or seething anger. My mind is healing. I've also stopped bloating horribly and I haven't had an anxiety attack all month.

Good news :D. Thanks to me finally sorting the tax situation myself we finally applied for the mortgage. Results soon, so here's hoping. I'm staying with my wife in my parents house, who have been very kind to us. My wife, after years of us trying is now pregnant with our first baba. A boy. Due in February, so after setting up the business we are prepping for him. There's a lot of work to be done, but after floundering for years and, imo actively drowning for most of 2023 I can finally say things are actually hopeful now. We might still be able to rebuild both of our lives after this fucked up person just kind of... arbitrarily decided to fuck it up for her own benefit and hoped we wouldn't find out.

2024 is gonna be weird and hard, but I'm looking forward to it.

If you've read this far thank you. It was a stupid year. It was a painful year. And now it's fucking OVER.