#thought i would find peace from now on. Like id still get upset and sad or whatever like non mentally ill people do too

[afternines]

I HAVE TO LAUGH I HAVE TO LAAUGGGGFHFH

[parkerslatte]

Years Passed [Chapter Three]

Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 2.1k

Part Summary: After Spencer asks Y/N our for coffee, the two share about their unlucky love lives.

Warnings: mentions of death, mentions of maeve, mentions of surgery

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***

CHAPTER THREE: CASE CLOSED

In the days following since Spencer showed up at Y/N’s apartment, she had been quite lonely. Harper’s school had started back up so she was gone the majority of the day leaving the house in silence. The constant giggles of her daughter were absent for six of the twenty four hours. Of course, Y/N took this as an opportunity to finish a commission she had been working on these last few weeks. The smell of paint was evident in the air causing Y/N to open all the windows around her. Y/N enjoyed painting very much but she missed the smaller version of her by her side, questioning everything she did and copying it to her best ability. 

The slip of paper that Spencer’s phone number was written on was sitting not too far away from Y/N and she would find herself occasionally glancing over to it. She did want to call Spencer but she didn’t want to seem too eager, and besides, he was working a case, there was no way he had the time for her. 

Seeing Spencer again wasn’t exactly on Y/N’s bucket list. Ever since she moved back six months ago, she hadn’t run into him once and he never even crossed her mind. However, once she saw him just days ago, she thought about him at least once a day. None of the thoughts were exactly bad, she just wondered if he had a family. If he was still interested in the same thing he was thirteen years ago. If he was the same Spencer she loved thirteen years ago. Shaking her head clear of any thoughts of Spencer, Y/N continued to paint the canvas that stood in front of her while softly singing along to the music that drowned out the silence. 

Y/N had only been painting for what she guess was another fifteen minutes before her phone started to ring from across the room. Groaning, as she had just gotten into a rhythm of painting, she walked over and looked at the caller ID. The number didn’t have a name but she recognised it - it was Spencer’s number. 

“Hello?” Y/N answered. 

“Hi, Y/N. It’s Spencer.” 

“Spencer, hi. What’s up?” 

“I was just calling because we caught the guy who abducted Ava.” Spencer said. 

“That’s good. Is she okay?” Y/N questioned quickly.

Spencer paused, “She’s alive, she’s in hospital currently. If we didn’t get to her in time there was a chance that she wouldn’t make it.” 

“But she is alive.” Y/N clarified.

“Yes, and the doctors say that she will make a recovery.”

“Thank god.” Y/N said, placing her hand over her heart. 

“You okay?” Spencer questioned.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I’m just glad that Ava is okay.” Y/N replied. 

“We all are.” Spencer responded. 

The two fell into a long silence, normally if this happened someone would hang up however neither of them did. Y/N wanted to say something but she didn’t know what to say. She did want to continue speaking to Spencer but she didn’t exactly know how to approach the topic. Luckily she didn’t have to say anything. 

“Do you want to go and get coffee, um, with me?” Spencer asked.

“Um, sure, when?” Y/N asked, suddenly feeling a weight lift off her chest.

“Now? Only if you’re not doing anything, if you are we could always reschedule and have coffee another time.” Spencer rambled.

Y/N couldn’t help but let a small smile appear on her face, “Coffee sounds great Spencer, text me where.”

“Okay, okay, I will, I’ll see you soon Y/N.” Spencer replied, suddenly sounding perkier.

“See you soon.” Y/N responded before hanging up 

***

As Y/N stepped through the doors to the cafe, she immediately looked around for Spencer. She found him sitting at the back corner of the cafe. As their eyes met, a wide smile spread across Spencer’s face as Y/N began to walk over. When she was finally standing at the table Spencer’s gaze didn’t move from Y/N for a second. 

“Hi.” Y/N greeted with a smile. 

“Hi.” Spencer responded, his smile that Y/N could recognise anywhere still evident on his face. 

Y/N sat in the seat across from Spencer and got comfortable. Once she looked down she noticed that there were two cups of coffee on the table.

“I don’t know if you still like your coffee like that but if you don’t I can always get you another cup.” Spencer said nervously.

Y/N smiled, touched at the simple action, “You still remember my order?”

Spencer felt his face heat up slightly, “Yeah, I do.”

Y/N smiled at him, causing Spencer to clear his throat, “So how have you been?” He asked, changing the subject.

“I’ve been good,” Y/N responded, “I’ve been settling in since I moved back here six months ago from England. Normally I would settle in quicker but Harper took a little longer to adjust.” 

“Why did you move back?” Spencer asked curiously.

“I loved living in England but being away from my family and friends was always hard and I couldn’t exactly afford to keep coming back and I couldn’t keep taking Harper out of school to have a small holiday to visit her family. I wanted her to get to know them in person not just through a screen,” Y/N explained, “Harper has loved being around her family since we moved.”

“She seems great,” Spencer said, “Harper that is.”

Y/N smiled at the thought of her daughter, “She is. Harper is the greatest thing to ever happen to me, I don’t know what I would do without her.”

“How old is she?” Spencer asked, genuinely interested.

“Seven, she’s eight in a couple weeks,” Y/N said, “I can’t help but feel a little sad about it. Like I know she’s going to grow up but these years seem to have flown by. I feel like it was only a week ago she learnt how to walk, now she’s practically running everywhere,” Y/N was lost in thought for a quick moment before she snapped herself out of it, “Anyway, that’s enough about me for now, how’s the FBI been treating you?”

“It’s been treating me fine.” Spencer said, the grin on his face faltering.

Y/N narrowed her eyes momentarily, “Are you sure? I may not be a profiler Spencer but I can tell that you’ve been through a lot,” Y/N said as Spencer made eye contact, “You wanna know how I know that?” Spencer nodded slightly, “It’s your eyes, they used to be so innocent, now they’re filled with sadness.”

Spencer cleared his throat, breaking eye contact, “I, um, I’ve seen a lot and I’ve been through a lot.”

“I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been through,” Y/N said sympathetically, “Thirteen years working for the FBI. I can’t even wrap my head around how long it’s been.”

“Me neither,” Spencer agreed, “You have a sadness in your eyes too.”

“Excuse me?” Y/N questioned.

“You have sadness in your eyes too,” Spencer repeated, “The only time it disappeared was when you were talking about Harper.”

Before Y/N could stop herself, she nodded her head, confirming Spencer’s comment, “I do. For the last eight years everyone has commented on it - around this time of year too.”

Spencer could tell that Y/N was abou to tell him why she felt the way she did but he was quick to interrupt her, “You don’t need to tell me Y/N.”

“No, it’s fine, seriously, practically everyone knows,” Y/N said before taking a deep breath, “My husband and Harper’s father, Owen, well he was in an accident and had to have surgery. We were told that there was a seventy-five percent chance the surgery would be successful. It was successful for the most part, he was like himself, always around Harper, playing with her.” 

Y/N found herself smiling at the memory of Harper playing with her father, “However, after a couple of weeks, he began to find himself getting more tired than usual. He just thought that it was the stress of work but he began to get worse to the point that he couldn’t get out of bed without him being in constant pain.” Y/N stopped her story for a moment, she never had a problem explaining this story before, but being the time of year it was, she was having a hard time.

“He was on so much medication just so he could actually walk around. Both of us knew that he didn’t have long left. I never wanted to make peace with that, I kept denying the inevitable saying that he was going to get better and we would be the happy family I always wanted. Deep down I knew that would never happen but I couldn’t help but lie to myself,” Y/N took a deep breath, by now her eyes were glossy with tears. 

“The one thing Owen wanted was to make it to Harper’s first birthday,” Y/N said, “He died four days before.”

“I’m sorry Y/N.” Spencer said sincerely, he contemplated reaching across the table to take her hand and give her a bit of comfort but thought better of it. 

“It’s okay,” Y/N said, “Normally when I tell people about Owen, I don’t normally get this upset about it, at least I don’t anymore. But since it’s coming up to the anniversary of his death, I guess I just can’t help myself from feeling this way. Sorry for dumping all of that on you, I don’t know why I did it.”

“Y/N, it’s fine, seriously.” Spencer said. 

Y/N gave Spencer a tight lipped smile, “So what about you Spencer Reid, do you have a family?”

Spencer shook his head, “If you mean an actual family as in a wife and kids, I don’t.”

“Why’s that? Do you ever want a family?” Y/N asked.

Spencer nodded, “I’d like nothing more in the world,” He said, “You don’t mind if I talk about something personal do you?”

“I mean I just did so I’m sure it’s perfectly reasonable for you to share too.” Y/N said.

Spencer cleared his throat before speaking, “Well a few years ago I had a girlfriend, Maeve. She was being stalked so we only communicated through phone calls,” Spencer began to explain, “We never saw each other but I fell in love with her. The only time I saw her was when she was killed in front of me by her stalker,” Spencer paused, “I thought that when we could eventually see each other then we could start a family, get married, have kids. Of course that could never happen but I could only think of what would’ve been.”

“I’m sorry Spence,” Y/N said, unconsciously reaching across the table and gently placed her hand on top of his. Neither Y/N nor Spencer thought any different of it and Spencer squeezed her hand as a silent thank you. 

“I haven’t really felt a connection to anyone after Maeve, not enough to fall in love with.” Spencer said.

Y/N nodded in agreement, “Ever since Owen died, I haven’t really had a long term relationship, none of them lasted more than a few months at most. Some of them just thought of it as a fling, some of them couldn’t handle the responsibility of being a parent and some of them were scared off by the thought of me being a mother.”

“You’ll find the right person eventually.” Spencer said.

“And you will too Spencer, and you’ll get to start your family.” Y/N said, offering a small smile to which Spencer returned with one of his own.

Looking down at her phone, Y/N’s eyes widened slightly, “Is that the time? I’ve got to go now, I need to pick Harper up from school.”

“Of course.” Spencer said, removing his hand from Isla’s after he had noticed that they were still connected. 

Y/N stood up, slinging her bag over her shoulder before turning back to Spencer, “This was fun, we should do it again soon but I’m buying the coffee next time.”

Spencer let out a quiet chuckle, “That’s only if you’re here before me.”

“Oh I will be,” Y/N said, “I’ll see you soon Spence.”

Y/N gave him a parting smile before turning and walking out the cafe to go and pick up her daughter.

PERMANENT TAGLIST

@spenxerslut @averyhotchner @drayshadow @moviequeen51 @spencer-reid-am-i-right @ssavanessa22 @amurderofcrowsinatrenchcoat @mbjackie @jklemps @reformedmoneyshovel @nomajdetective @jesuisbenny @jooniehomie @spencerreid-187 @onyourfingertips @uhuhuh @rubyhi208-42 @archer561 @c0rpsecore @sweetandsunny @zoeygraygubler @algonsa @jswessie187 @shemarmooresfedora @kaz-2y567 @alfonsais @aikrus @nani-2305 @death-becomes-her @sarejane @isabelle-558 @measure-in-pain @the-nerd-gang @manuosorioh @luredwithpretzels @ceeellewrites @totallyclearwitch @jekkles @this-is-doctor-and-its-calm @sarahpaulsonlov3r @periwinklemax @kuolonsyoja @heartmira @hoodpankow @parahmur @happymangospot @beepbooptoop @ilovespencerreidmarryme @spencesoulmate25 @bloodyxheaven @nyx2021 @morganwilliams @malindacath @pastelbabygirl19 @doctorspenceryeet @reidsbookclub @pinkdiamond1016 (will be continued in reblog)

SERIES TAGLIST

(Will be added in reblog)

[the-paris-of-people]

Hi. This is really not a question but more of a rant. A really really long one. I apologize in advance. I honestly care waaaaayyyy too much about this show than I should. Clearly too bored🙈.

After reading people's comments on this show and the ships, there are so many things that irk me and I thought I'd share even if I might get crap for it. So here goes:

1. "Ben only wants Devi when she is with Paxton." I.e. it's about Paxton. Lol people are funny. As though Ben thinks he can compete with Paxton on a social level. He's not stupid, he knows full well he can't. It's about Devi and in part her obsession with Paxton. People don't like thinking about things from Ben's perspective because they just don't like him. He's the one that finds out Devi is cheating, she runs after Paxton at the party ( now granted before she runs out, she's intensely staring at Ben and then realises Paxton is leaving but Ben's not gonna remember that) and she was busy chumming it up with Paxton in episode 3 in front of Ben with absolute disregard for him. So his natural defence is to guard himself and have his walls go up. It is a valid response. He burries his pain (exactly what Samberg said). And does not let his guard down around her romantically until episode 10 when Paxton literally rejects her at school. At the school dance, sparks are flying between those 2. Is Paxton around at the time...Uhm no (I'll get into the whole Aneesa thing). In his mind Paxton is out of the picture and it's like he can almost trust her again. And then when Paxton shows up with Devi, he basically feels like a fool for ever thinking that he was ever something more than 2nd best or sometimes anything at all ( especially considering Devi still wants Paxton after Devi and Paxton's last public interaction that Ben witnessed- I mean he does not get to see the shit behind closed doors). But then when Eleanor spills the tea, that look on his face is disbelief, yes a little bit of jealousy but overwhelmingly heartbreak. He is essentially watching the chance he never knew he had go away. Now you could argue that he should have known that she wanted him back but she broke his trust and does not explicitly say, " I want you back". Ben's not trying to get burnt again based on some assumption/hunch. He has been wrong before.

2. "How dare Ben be upset that Devi is with Paxton when he is with Aneesa". Fair point. Just like how dare Devi be upset and lose her shit over Ben and Aneesa. But yet it still happend. Devi gets 5 episodes allowing her to be upset and Ben can't even have one moment when a firkken bomb gets dropped on him.

Aneesa and Ben should have never date. Everyone knows that. He was never over Devi. He just pushed those feelings down to make him believe he was over her. I obviously don't agree with this. Aneesa doesn't deserve that. Ben needs to go to therapy. He needs an outlet. He is similar to Devi in that he doesn't want to process what happened and would rather move on and react. However, his reactions are far less impulsive/severe as Devi's. Him dating Aneesa is unfortunately a reaction. He didn't give himself time to really process how he feels. People say he dated Aneesa solely to spite Devi which is not true. Is there an element of " you never wanted me but someone else does"... absolutely but Aneesa is also very kind to Ben, they get along really well and she puts him first. Technically what's not to like. I mean if it was just to spite Devi, could he have not tried to hustle his way back in with Shira?? Problem is that dumb dumb didn't work through his Devi feelings and let's just be honest, the same spark and chemistry he has with Devi, is missing with Aneesa. It often feels forced, especially in regards to the pace of the relationship. I so wished Aneesa remained friends with Ben. That's what he needed...not another relationship.

3. "Aneesa is so amazing, she doesn't deserve to get hurt." I agree. She absolutely doesn't deserve to get hurt just like Ben and Paxton didn't deserve that crap Devi pulled. I think Aneesa is a great addition and I like that Devi has someone within her community to connect to. I'm South Asian myself and I genuinely value this aspect of my own life. I mean she is pretty great, kind and the anorexia rumour Devi unintentionally started was pretty heartbreaking. That scene where she talks to Devi at the relay about it, is so sad (especially coz we as viewers know Devi messed up). Now that being said is Aneesa also low key shady? YES. And it's not because she dated her friend's ex. It's because she started dating him knowing that Devi started the rumour about her because she was jealous about Ben and her. How does she think Devi would go from being so jealous that she starts a rumour, to the next week becoming their biggest "Stan". Come on girl. But there was no way Devi could say no after the crap she pulled with Aneesa. Ben did ask her out so if there is blame, he absolutely gets it too but he didn't know why Devi started that rumour (based on his surprised AF face when Eleanor spills the tea). Which leads me to my next question. Why didn't Aneesa tell him? Aneesa said Ben was supporting her through the rumour. She probably told him Devi started the rumour but didn't tell him why? That is odd? Clearly if Ben had known, he may changed his perspective on Devi actually wanting him instead of ignoring his feelings.

Lastly Aneesa knows there are unresolved feelings between Devi and Ben. This is evident from that dance scene. She literally runs to cut in their pretty intense conversation. Like why you running girl? I didn't think much of it at first but coupled with another moment, it makes a lot of sense. When Ben agrees to dance with Aneesa, he looks back at Devi and lingers and Aneesa picks up on this and pulls him away. It's a blink and you will miss it moment but it is there.

Now all of this doesn't mean she needs to get hurt but they probably need to break up. Ben needs to be single for a while and work through how he feels about Devi, Aneesa and most importantly himself. Whilst I don't particularly enjoy their relationship, you never get to see it from either of their perspectives. Maybe that could change things but honestly I just prefer Ben and Devi.

Also can everyone stop acting like Ben is dating Devi's best friend. Being brown doesn't make you automatically best friends and Ben and Devi met Aneesa the same week. People are acting like he is dating Eleanor.

4. "Devi chose Paxton". Please! The only thought through decision that girl made in regards to these 2 boys is when she chose herself and decided not to be Paxton's little secret. I mean in episode 1 and 2 she can't decide so she dates both. In episode 3, she interacts with Paxton because of the whole tutoring thing. He says they don't makes sense. While she seems a bit sad she doesn't seem too upset like she is season 1 and she isn't looking for any opportunity to spend time with him (unlike season 1). Episode 4,5,6,7 and 8 she is losing her mind over Ben. Half way through 8 she knows she has no choice but to let him go. But even after that she doesn't pursue Paxton. He does that at the end of episode 9 when in all honesty she hasn't really thought about him in a while. Then of course Paxton does what he does and she finally choose herself, issuing an ultimatum essentially. Paxton does eventually show up...but it's a choice by default. She just yo-yo's between them. She also needs to be single, deal with her loss, love herself and think about what she wants.

5. "Devi loves Paxton". Sure bud. Does have Devi have feeling for Paxton? Duh! But is it love. Nope. People like to confuse infatuation for love. She has been infatuated with this boy this the 3rd (she knew squat about him). When her dad died, she turns that infatuation into an obsession. It like becomes a full time hobby in season 1. She ruins relationships over it. In season 2 you can argue there is more depth to it and Paxton does grow in Season 2. But somehow she is still fixated on the fact that it's Paxton Hall-Yoshida. I mean she smells him (totally normal), Mc Enroe's comment at the relay was, "did this hunk of beef just say he likes spending time with her", when she breaks up him she says , "you are very good at kissing" not possibly any of his other good qualities. And at the end she says , "I guess I'm Paxton Hall Yoshida's girlfriend now". This boy is so far up a pedestal that if he fell of it, he'd break something. Now granted if he fell of it in Season 1, he'd be dead. So progress I guess...

Maybe the relationship will change in Season 3 and she genuinely falls in love with him. I mean Id be sad but obviously a real possibility. But also that relationship needs to move on from being just the "Paxton project" which it was basically all of season 2. Maybe actually talk about her every once in a while.

Also people who find the ending so amazing because he shows up...bare minimum bro. I understand his perspective, how does it look to go back with someone who cheated on you. Fair point 💯. However she didn't start this shit up again. He did. He liked her so much that he had to make out with her In the middle of the night out of the blue but not enough to respect her publically. That's some BS right there. If he started it, he should have thought it through instead of guilt tripping her. But he is a teenager and ALL of them make incredibly stupid decisions (we all have). Devi messed up big time too and she apologized. The same compassion must extend to him but in no way is it a grand gesture, it's the bare minimum...like her apologies

6. "Paxton forgave Devi forgave Devi so quickly whilst Ben didn't and was so mean". He did forgive her pretty quickly. Good for him. However let's not act like circumstance didn't carve the way for that. They were pushed together because of the whole tutoring thing and he knows that they have to see each other all the time. So logically just makes sense to keep the peace. But still mature oh his part. Also he wasn't as emotionally invested as Ben. Did he have feelings? Yes. However, based on his inner monologue (Gigi Hadid) his ego took more of a hit because how could Devi, the "weirdest girl" he ever liked two time him with Ben Gross. Did his feelings deepen by the end? Yes. But at the start...it isn't that deep.

Also it's great and all that he "forgave" her so quickly but he sure did like bringing it up a lot. Like at the relay guilting her, upset at the end of 6 because he failed...I mean wtf girl you owe me- I don't really care what else is going on in your life, again in episode 8 in the car and finally we all know the mess that is episode 10.

In regards to Ben. His anger is justified for reasons stated in point 1. In fact his reaction seems more real because he is deeply hurt by Devi. Do I like some of his reaction (i.e. nose piercing-will discuss this further) ...nope but she only sincerely apologises to him in episode 8 vs 3 for Paxton. He accepts it. People acting like they would be so calm and chill about being cheated on. And yes he did cheat on Shira. He tries to kiss Devi at party twice but apologises that day and the following week. He doesn't try anything with Devi the whole of episode 10 until she kisses him. He acknowledges that it was wrong and immediately breaks up with Shira. Although cheating is not something we should condone can we actually acknowledge that Shira was the worst and doesn't even remember Ben's name. Compare that to Devi's premeditated cheating. Her Eleanor are literally laughing at how amazing they are for pulling it off and Devi didn't care about either of their feelings cause she was going to be India. Sorry but that is far worse. She also thinks she can bullshit her apology with Ben. He isn't here for that...which is fine! He kept trying his level best to avoid her but even that she wouldn't let him do.

7. "Ben is Horrible". Has Ben done some shitty things. Absolutely. People complain that he has never apologised for anything. Fair enough. He needs to apologize for the UN comment and the psychosomatic comment. It was incredibly hurtful. However, no one does call him out of it. Now you could argue he should just do it. Please... have you watched these particular set of teenagers? None of them apologise without being called out on it first(except maybe Fabiola). And you only get called out my your support system ... which Ben does not have. He practically looks like he raised himself. He doesn't have parents to put him back in line or a sister to call him out on his shit. Devi has her mom, cousin, grandmum , Elanor, Fabiola and her therapist. Does she ever listen to them the first time? Nope. And her first time apologies are such messes. She only gets it right the 2nd or 3rd time. All of them have some form of support but not really him. And it is heartbreaking. It's why I genuinely believe he needs to go to therapy. He needs an outlet to express everything he feels. He also needs to be held accountable for those comments and understand the root of it (ok let's be honest Devi even in their rivalry was probably the most constant person in his life, and fighting with her meant she stayed close by- it's a subconscious thing). He should apologize to her and also find better ways to communicate what he is feeling. The nose ring thing was manipulative. I agree. He should apologize. But I'm not gonna lie, it doesn't piss me off as much because I think it's pretty messed that it took that for her to realise how much she hurt him. Also tbh if you were willing to alter your body on a 2 minute thought out dare, you wanted to do it anyway. But again not a healthy way to emote on Ben's part. The David thing doesn't upset me because he knows how to pronounce her actual name. It's not like he doesn't know how and doesn't bother to try. It was part of their rivalry to irritate her. I honestly find it quite endearing as part of their friendship and think Devi does. I may be wrong and she may not like it and in that case he needs to stop and apologize.

I am not upset by him coming over to her house and calling her out about Aneesa. She deserved it. Also if she was that uncomfortable she could have taken him outside to talk like she did with Paxton. She is clearly comfortable enough to have him in the house. And her therapist agrees with Ben. If he hadn't, she wouldnt have known that Aneesa was leaving. Her mom took away her phone. And even then her first attempt at an apology was soooooo bad. And I don't think Ben did it solely to get Aneesa to stay so he could date her. This is Ben, he was willing to do long distance with Devi from India, I think he could have done the same with Aneesa from like the same town 🙄

I genuinely like Ben because he is a good kid. He makes mistakes like they all do. His personality is hilarious to watch but also his and Devi's relationship is so special. Me liking Ben and Devi has nothing to do with what Paxton has or has not done. I just like the dynamic between the two. They obviously care deeply for each other. Their conversations are hilarious. I love their banter. I love how comfortable they are with each and am sometimes surprised by the depth of their conversations. But also they have amazing chemistry. All the jealous looks and angst are between these two idiots pining for each other. I think she does have chemistry with Paxton but it's more because he is PHY, school Adonis. I mean let's be honest, he'd probably have chemistry with Fabiola solely cause he is PHY. The two nerds just match each other and it's so funny how often they are in sync. It's honestly adorable. They just get each other. That bathroom scene was the sweetest thing and also proves he's not this terrible person. She only comes out of the stall because of his support. He is genuinely hurt for her when technically it should have been a great moment for him.

I do believe the two have to be single for a bit before admitting their feelings for one another and moving forward. That's why my main thing for season 3 is that he absolutely cannot interfere in her relationship with Paxton. He needs to give her the space to figure that. Do I think there will be moments between them... absolutely but no cheating please. Everyone needs to move on from that. If they do it...I honestly think il be done with the show.

Anyways sorry for the really long ramble. If you made it to the end thanks for your patience 😌

Thank you for this beautiful masterpiece, I pretty much agree with everything and need to put it out there for the world to see

[gaymershigh]

Hello! I saw your askbox and open and read your rules and you are right, it's not often I see Male×Male reader inserts in the TWST fandom. So, I'd thought I'd request some to help the cause! If I may, can I request some headcannons of dorm leaders of TWST×Male!Reader who is in their dorm and has been noticeably stressed in their schoolwork and one night is seen super stressed out and the dorm leader's fellow students pull the reader aside and hand the reader over to the dorm leader because the reader refuse to listen to anyone else?

Of course you may! Tbh, this is such a nice request, I enjoy doing multiple characters, but it's so difficult for me to write for Azul and Vil in this hc for some reason??

REMINDER: Don't overwork yourself just because you don't think it's enough! The fact that you're trying is already amazing! Please remember to take care of your health because you matter! 💜

Triggers: None!

Dorm Leaders dealing with a stressed Male!Reader

Ever since Riddle got a text from Trey and its about his boyfriend doing his schoolwork on ungodly hours he was worried, very worried.

He wants to come to you and make a 2 hour speech about how you shouldn't overwork yourself but he barely has anytime as well, he's a very busy man as well.

So he decided to order your friends, Ace and Deuce to tell you to not overwork yourself. Hell, he even prepared a script for them.

Of course, it didn't work. It was so obvious it was from a script because Deuce sounds so robotic and Ace kept correcting Deuce. Your stubbornness makes it even more awkward and worse.

He ordered Trey and Cater this time, with a whole new script too.

They did a good job and all, but it also failed because your ass is so stubborn and Cater is pretty impatient and kept using his phone.

This only made you stressed out even more because these mofos probably dont understand how you feel.

Deuce's dense ass noticed this and told Ace about it. And that's how Ace got a big brain idea.

You were screaming, usually, the ADeuce duo usually stays at your dorm to chill while you do your work and NOT drag you to their dorm.

They shoved you to Riddle's room and what you're not expecting was your boyfriend showing a very worried face.

He immediately hugged you tightly before you could say a word. He cupped your face and caressed your cheek.

“My sweetheart, please don't overwork yourself, it's unhealthy for you. From now on, only work yourself for 2 hours max. Come now, let's drink some tea together.”

He knows that something's up when you haven't been hanging out with him for a while.

He misses his herbivore so much, he misses cuddling his boyfriend but he's too prideful to admit.

When he found out you've been doing your schoolwork 24/7 by Ruggie, his response is indecisive but on the inside he's bothered.

Since he's too lazy to move on his very comfortable position, he threatened ordered his dorm members to convince you to stop overstressing yourself.

Knowing Savanaclaw, of course they failed, there was no hope to begin with. It was a disaster. They tried but they're way too intimidating for you to even listen to their words. Thank god Ruggie was there to bail them out so it wasn't too awkward.

This made Leona very moody. Not only he cannot snuggle with you, his plan failed and he now forces himself to sleep alone in pain. Boohoo.

Ruggie can't stand this man's temper tantrums so he just snatched you away from your dorm and toss you to a sleeping Leona.

The lazy lion woke up immediately when he recognized your scent. Since he's still sleepy however, he just pulled you to his bed and hugged you close with his tail wrapped on your leg

“Hmph, you chose your schoolwork over me and had the audacity to not meet up for the entire week? You're not going anywhere this time, especially with you in my arms.”

He won't blame you to be honest. He overworks himself too and ignore your warnings multiple times. However, that doesn't mean he's not going to do anything about it.

He at least has time to spend with you but you didn't. Of course that made the octopus upset and he's not gonna five up when it comes to you.

He stalks you everytime he gets the chance. Your stressed expression really displeases him. He wants to do something about this so bad but he doesn't want to disturb his already stressed boyfriend.

Jade caught on to Azul's bizarre behavior and he cam up with an idea to surprise both of you.

“Kidnapping shrimpy? Ok!” of course Floyd would say yes, it's Floyd.

You're screaming in distress and confusion. Just a second ago you were messaging your temples because you couldn't mesmerize what Mr. Trein taught you and now you're getting kidnapped by the Leech twins, what a surprise. An unwelcome one at that.

Azul was shocked when he hears your cries as the twins dropped you off his room, still tied in ropes and leaving like nothing happened.

Azul untied you, explaining theories as to why they would do such things, but when he does got the right answer, he blushed in embarrassment. He caused this.

He placed a soft kiss and holds your hand gently.

“I apologize for causing a huge ruckus. It's just I missed you when you barely replied to my calls and texts and you kept working and that made me worried sick! I'm sorry that I sound selfish but.. Could you stay here a bit longer, please?”

Oh dear. How could you say no to that?

Ok first of all how could you even ignore him? He always keep coming to you and basically screaming at you.

Your stress may could have took the you over and may accidentally snapped at him for being too noisy.

This made him sad and left the room. BUT HEY AT LEAST YOU GOT SOME PEACE AND QUIET AM I RIGHT?

But if you think that's gonna make him upset??? You're his wonderful boyfriend! His treasure! No matter what, just seeing thinking of you makes him happy again.

This didn't last as you kept ignoring his daily chat with you and his messages and calls. This wasn't okay.

This genuinely made him stressed as well, he probably doesn't even exist to you anymore. Despite it just being 2 days if felt like forever since you talk to him or even looking at him with a smile.

Kalim wanted to spend fun times with his boyfriend like always. Not just sit there and look at him groaning at the worksheet every now and then.

He missed you so much. Even though he sees you, it just doesn't feel the same.

He got less happier as the days go by, everyone got worried sick. Even Jamil felt disturbed about it, usually he would be living the life when Kalim's quiet.

Everything's the usual today. Kalim visiting you and he's quiet again. You of course felt bad but you really need to pass this test.

But out of nowhere, you kept getting text messages from Jamil screaming to you about talking to Kalim and how pathetic he looks when sad.

When you turned around, your heart shattered to pieces. There it is, a sad Kalim in tears, curling himself on your bed to at least have your scent on him.

You stopped what you're doing and hop on tour bed and press his face against the crook of your neck, muttering sorry.

“Ahhh! I miss you so much,habibi!(my love) please don't overwork yourself and ignore me! I love you so much and seeing you date your homework then dating me hurts me! Please dont leave me! I'll be the best boyfriend ever!”

Who do you think you are, to ignore your lover's calling just for a paper of misery? How foolish.

Vil understood that your future is important to you, but do you really need to worry when you're dating the Vil Schoenheit? The beautiful, rich man who spoils you every single day?

Not only that, stress causes wrinkles and you're also ruining your sleep schedule?! Unacceptable.

He kept ranting to you about how greasy your hair and how big the bags under your eyes are.

To the point you have to lock your door to refrain him for entering and rant. You're already stressing out and there's literally no way you're going to hear about your dramatic boyfriend moan about your appearance.

He kept calling and texting you and you also ignore that. If anything you gave good morning texts or either leave him on read.

And he's not tolerating that.

His job was easier to handle than the others. He can just ask Rook to kidnap you and he would oblige and do so in an instant.

And he just did that.

Unlike the others, you know exactly what's going to happen when Rook is violently dragging you to Pomefiore. He's going to put you in Vil's room, listen to him rant for a few hours and do beauty things or whatever.

Well, have of that did happen when Rook closed Vil's door. He did rant but what your not expecting was him being very gentle and sweet.

“I knew it, you got increasingly worse. Oh well, I will refix this mess later. But for now, you should rest right beside me. No leaving no matter the circumstances, you understand, potato?”

I mean, of course you're gonna ignore him, he's just a gross, weeby loser. There's no way he can impact your life positively in any single way. If anything, he probably causes trouble to his you anyway.

He doesn't really wanna stop you, he really cherishes you and your choices even if they're not good and losing someone like you is probably gonna take years to move on to.

Poor Ortho, he needs to hear his brother rant about his boyfriend not being able to see nor play games with because he's busy working himself.

But this made Ortho worry. Not only id his brother is sad but you're risking your health to do schoowork! That's no good.

This made you confused. Ortho kept muttering about your health status to himself everytime you pass by the hallways.

And everyday, your stress levels increase and your health is deteriorating.

He needs to make you rest at all cost but he knows your stubborn. So he has to do one thing that makes your knees weak.

His very own special puppy eyes.

Ortho innocently dragged you to Idia without either of you guy's knowledge.

When Idia finds out, he immediately apologized for the inconvenience he caused and you might have to be the one to comfort him.

“I'M SERIOUSLY SO SORRY! I just really wanted to play games with you and hangout with you like usual.. Eh? You will?? REALLY!?”

At first, the fae didn't even realise you are stressing despite showing a few signals.

Until you start ignoring him. Then you got a pouty Malleus. (aw)

He doesn't understand why you're struggling with Mr. Divus' homework, it seems so easy to him, why is it so hard for you?

That made you upset and he still doesn't know why.

He never had a boyfriend like you before so of course he's not gonna understand gen z struggles. Spare him please.

Lilia gave him some tips, only for it to be tricks and make you more upset. snide mf

Seeing a sad Malleus made Sebek upset, then mad.

He asked Lilia what's wrong with his young master.

And when he found out you're replacing him with your schoolwork and then for some reason 'stressing' about it??

How rude!

Sebek kept nagging at you to stop working and pay attention to your damn boyfriend but you couldn't care less about Sebek and his shenanigans.

You only start sweating when he suddenly yanked your arm and dragged you to Diasomnia.

And what you see is a pouty Malleus playing with his little game.

When you sat next to him, he immediately wrapped you in his arms.

“My darling, I plead for you not to pressure yourself in something that only destroys you even more. What progress you have done is enough for today but as of now, you need rest. Release all your negativity away, love.”

This is literally my second work but I already feel like a failure.

-𝕸𝖎𝖗𝖎

[starbuckie]

𝐫𝐮𝐧 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐲

challenge: 1k celebration by @marvelgirl7

pairing: mobster!bucky barnes x reader

words: 1,460 words

warnings: sadness, angst, some mentions of violence, i think there’s like one sexual innuendo, and a little baby bit of fluff

summary: bucky comes back for his girl, and they leave together.

a/n: this is for @marvelgirl7‘s 1k celebration! congratulations on 1,000, darling! this is a one shot for @southernbell91, and it’s a continuation of their amazing mobster!bucky one shot, which you can find here. i also made a little banner for it, and it was so, so much fun. as always, thank you to my beta @transparentfestivaltiger​, and i hope you enjoy reading this fic as much as i enjoyed writing it! love you<3

main masterlist || sebastian stan characters masterlist

“Hello, doll, you miss me?” His voice rang in your ears. You thought you’d never hear it again after you ran away three months before, but it seemed that you never could escape it. Whether that was a good thing or not, you didn’t know. 

Tears filled your eyes, and you turned around to face James Buchanan Barnes. God, he looked tired, but still every ounce as handsome as the day you had left him. Deep bags surrounded his eyes, and he had grown out a beard at this point, but the steely blue eyes you had loved your whole life were still there. You could see the wet marks tracing his face left by the tears that had fallen, and you knew that he was as relieved as you were seeing each other again. “Hi, James.” You sniffled out. 

In moments, the tall man had dropped to his knees in front of you and buried his head in your stomach. His muscular arms wrapped around your waist and you ran your hands through his now long hair. His sobs and your sniffles rang out in harmony around the small apartment, and though you had the love of your life wrapped around you right now, you could only stare at the door ahead of you, which still hung wide open. While, yes, you were ecstatic to see Bucky, you had no clue as to how he found you or why he was there. Perhaps your father and Tony Stark used his high tech security to search for you, and they wanted you back so they could kill you, which scared you to the bone. It was no secret that mob bosses were harsh, but after witnessing your father shoot a man through the head at your own dining room table when you were six, upsetting any of them was your greatest fear. 

You had been promised to marry Bucky before being traded to the Stark family, as after their marriage with the Potts family, the Rogers family got bumped down to the fourth wealthiest in the city. Once you had found out that you were the peace treaty, you fled quickly and without a word, leading you to this shitty Montana apartment. 

“Buck, why are you here? Who sent you?” His arms dropped to his sides and you took a step back. As much as you wanted to stay in his arms, you knew that it was potentially dangerous, as he and his family were still good allies with your father. 

“No one sent me, Y/N. The trade is over.” He smiled briefly at it, tears still leaking from his eyes. You gasped. It was over?

“What did you guys negotiate?” You were curious, They hadn’t even told you about your own trade, yet here Bucky stood, telling you that all four families had come to an agreement.

“Well, our best boy Stevie has himself a wife now.” Your eyes widened as Bucky chuckled. “Yeah, he and one of Tony’s associates, Peggy Carter, got married, so now the Rogers and Starks are in cahoots. Tony and Pepper agreed to back out on your trade.” He grabbed your hands and pulled you into his chest. His hands desperately pushed into your back, trying to bring you as close as possible, until you grinned, feeling something by your legs. 

“Is that a gun in your pants, Barnes, or are you just happy to see me?” You giggled lightly, and he just rolled his eyes, but was secretly happy that he could get your smiling again. 

“That’s a gun, sweetheart,” he smirked and pulled the gun from his belt, making your eyes widen immensely. “So, now that you aren’t being forced into the Stark family, what do you say? Will you come back home with me?”

His smile, the one you loved so much, was so hopeful, but you were upset that you were the one to make it falter. After a few moments of silence, he spoke up again. “Y/N? You can’t be seriously thinking about staying here.”

Tears filled your eyes again as you met his blue eyed gaze. “I can’t go back, Buck. You saw how easy it was for my dad to get rid of me, and for what? So his friends and allies could stay rich? So his reputation wouldn’t be ruined? Bucky, to my father, I’m not a real person. I’m an object, a pawn, that he uses to gamble and play with. As long as I stay in the business, in the family, I’ll never truly be able to live out my own life. Sure, I was promised to you, but these past three months made me think a lot about the past twenty nine years of my life, and I’ve realized that I have never once made a decision for myself. I need an out, Bucky, and this is it!”

Taking a deep breath, he voiced his concerns once again. “Y/N, you realize how dangerous this is right? If you walk out now, there’s absolutely no coming back. Hell, your dad might come looking for you again! He’s almost got you right now, doll. He hit me a few times trying to get information on your location, but I didn’t know where you were until T’Chaka’s kid, Shuri, came by after hearing about your escape. One of her drones got footage of you outside a McDonald’s, and I found you from there. It’s not safe to leave forever. You’ve seen what our parents do, and they won’t hesitate to blow our heads off. If we go back now you can still have forgiveness, you can still-“

“No, Bucky! I’m not looking for forgiveness, and I’m way goddamn past asking for permission. All my life, I have wanted out, and if this is one chance I get, then I'm damn well taking it.” You tasted the salt from your tears as you sobbed your next words. “I’m leaving as soon as you make up your mind on whether you’re leaving with me or not. I won’t judge you if you go back, I’m sure you wouldn’t want to leave it all behind.”

The money. The power. The endless girls that would throw themselves at them, but through it all, he only wanted you. You, Steve, and him had grown up rough, all of your fathers being mob bosses and deals being made about your futures to ensure the security of the wealth that came from your families, but Bucky had never wanted that. Falling in love with you was the one of the only choices he had ever made by his lonesome, and he would follow you to the ends of the world. 

“Where are we going, doll?” His eyes glittered, and his signature lopsided smirk stuck on his face. As you stared up at him, he grinned even wider. “I heard that California is real pretty during the fall, and I’ve always wanted to see the Golden Gate Bridge.”

Grabbing your packed duffle bag from the table in front of the moldy couch, you laughed with glee. You were going to spend the rest of your life with the man you loved, freely, and doing whatever you wanted. No pressure, no rules, no parents, no more mob. Just you, Bucky, and the rest of the world to explore.

You threw the keys to the apartment on the table, and walked out with Bucky. “We’re gonna need new ID’s, Buck. Our parents will try to track us down for the rest of their lives, we’re now traitors to the mob bosses of Brooklyn.” The thought made you high on adrenaline. 

“I already have some.” Walking down the empty street, you stared up at him with a confused look on your face. “I have many, many, friends, sweetheart, both in high and low places. We’ll need to get you some as well, but for now, it’s time for Ricardio Montalbaum to take a Californian trip with his fiancée.”

He flashed you one of his ID’s, and sure enough, it said Ricardio Montalbaum. Giggling, you took a long sigh and rested your head on his shoulder. The sky was getting darker now, almost night time, and the sunset was a blur of colors in the distance. People scurried around, and for once, it was nice to not have people cowering in fear. It was just Bucky and Y/N, a nice young couple taking a stroll down the streets of Montana. 

“Well, Ricardio, we better get some sunscreen then, because if I burn, I will not hesitate to beat your ass.” He smiled and pecked you on the lips quickly.

“That’s fine with me, doll, as long as I get to spend forever with you.” 

[sword-brainrot]

Oh, um! May I request a matchup? I know these can be draining to do so feel free to skip me if you want!!

So, um hi! Im a 19 yo translation student! Everyone uses she/her when talking to me, but you can use whatever you like, I dont mind pronouns! Im really shy and kinda anxious when talking to people, but I'm completely see-through ;; cant tell a lie to save my life haha Im super curious abt practically anything and I love to learn new things! When I have to get work done, I make sure it looks shiny and perfect! (even tough I procastinate on it until there's almost no time left,,,,) I prefer indoors because loud sounds make me somewhat panicky??;;;; and in my free time I play games, learn useless stuff and sleep... y'know, the usual ^^;

As for what I'd like in a parter.... I want someone who cares about me ;; I know it may be a bit too much but I guess I can dream right? :') As for myself,,,, idk id be a completely mess ;; Im good at listening I think! but when it comes to affection Im at a loss and I just get embarrassed,,,, I blush at everything and when Im put in a spot I try to laugh it off ;;

Um, also... Im sure you already noticed but I have some self issues so you may want to take this into consideration???? maybe???? Im sorry I had to bring this up;;; i tought it could help you get a better picture of myself haha???? uuu;; (um also i apologize for this huge wall of text, i know its all over the place.... dont know how to organize it;;;;)

Oh, and I don't care about sword types nor I have a preference! I love all the slashy boys equally ♡

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it 💖💖

Oh I would never skip your request! If I ever get drained, I would take a small break. I wanna do your requests dear! Feel free to request as much as you want, I have a blast whenever I can write and make someone smile because of it. Don't worry about bothering me or anything, seeing requests always makes me smile and excited to write 💖🌺

I Match You With...

🌸 Ishikirimaru 🌸

♡  Ishikirimaru is a very calm and friendly guy, he would understand very well how scary social interaction can be for some people. He would never push you too far and make sure he knows your limits. He would offer you to have tea with him or help him clean just so you both can bond together and let you know what he does want to be around you. He doesn't mind if you don't talk much because you are shy! Ishikirimaru doesn't talk too much in general but doesn't mind starting the conversation and having a short discussion about things that may interest you or your thoughts on things.

♡  Don't worry about ever making him angry or annoyed, it is very hard to do that. He is very easy going and cares a lot about other people. The only way he would ever get actually angry at you is if you say something insensitive about how people's lives in war don't matter or something along those lines. He was a sword kept in a temple that often got prayed to for healing the warriors who came back from battle with deadly wounds. That is the only thing that would actually get under his skin. He cares a lot about the people around him and even the people he doesn't know, he prays for all of their well beings. Even yours. He cares about you a lot as well and will tell you often that you matter to everyone. He is aware that you would never say something to upset him on purpose. As long as the two of you talk it out and apologize to each other, he will forget it even happened. He wouldn't let one slip of the tongue to ruin the relationship.

♡  He tries hard to make sure he never upsets anyone and thinks over his words carefully, but even he makes mistakes and words don't come out how they planned. He will make the most effort to apologize and make sure his words didn't hurt you badly. If they did, he would spend hours on end talking it out and making sure you know that he would never mean anything that would hurt you. He cares about you a lot and your smile is his favorite.

♡  Ishikirimaru might be a little pushy when you talk badly about yourself. He loves everything about you and it hurts him when you think you are lesser than everyone. He will often try to stop you before you go too far with talking down upon yourself and give you plenty of compliments, even if they embarrass you. He wants you to know that you are deserving of love and that you are much better than you give yourself credit for. You have your own talents and people cherish you for being you. They want you in their life because you are you.

♡  "Aruji, I haven't been human long but I understand that being human is a complicated task. The mind can be a cruel one and the deadliest thing to our souls. My words may not mean much but please trust me when I say that you like you for you. You will see things you do not like about yourself because you are stuck with yourself constantly so you will pick up things that others will not. We are all hard on ourselves. Life is even worse on us. So take a deep breath and let yourself receive a little kindness. You deserve it. You give out so much to everyone so you need to know that it is okay to love things about yourself and be proud of who you are. You will make mistakes and not everyone will be your friend but that is okay, because you are human and you have your own life. Surround yourself with people that will love and appreciate you for who you are now. I love and appreciate you for who you are, aruji. So.. Don't be so hard on yourself, alright? It hurts my fragile heart when I see you beat yourself up for small mistakes. It's okay to stumble at times, just get up again... okay? I'll lend you my hand as well."

♡  As you can tell, Ishikirimaru is a very good listener. His whole life as a sword was to listen to those of the pained and give guidance. Even if he couldn't exactly do that in his sword form, he can do that now! He will listen to everything you have to say. Don't be shy to ramble to him. He will give you a happy smile as he listens. Tell him about the things that make you happy, what make you angry, what makes you laugh, and what makes you sad. Ishikirimaru will be right by your side, offering tea and a shoulder if you need it. You aren't alone and he will make sure you know that you don't have to face these thoughts alone.

♡  Just as how you are see through and can't lie, Ishikirimaru has a similar issue. He has a very hard time ever lying and chooses to never lie. The only time he will lie is if it is to protect others. He will often put himself in the painful position in missions so others don't have to face the hardship. He tries to not do it often because he knows that people care about him and he doesn't have to face things alone, but he would rather not see anyone sad if he can help it!

♡  He finds your embarrassed face the cutest thing in the world. Don't be scared to tell him to stop if the compliments become too much for you to handle! He will laugh it off and apologize for going too far with his comments. As stated above, he doesn't lie. So just know that every compliment he gives you is a very sincere comment that he means with his whole heart. Ishikirimaru doesn't need much affection, as long as you show that you simply care about him, he is happy. He would like to hold your hand from time to time but otherwise, he wouldn't force you to do anything you don't wish to do. Go at your own pace in the relationship, he won't rush you!

♡  Ishikirimaru will tell you anything you wish to learn! He might not have a library of knowledge of the past due to being stuck in a shrine for most of his life but he had also studied and learned about the history he came from. If you take an interest in his prayers and religion, he would gladly tell you all the tales he is aware of and teach you the cleansing sermon he often does to give positive spiritual energy. It is something that brings him peace of mind and makes him happy to talk about, so if you are willing to learn about what makes him who he is today and what makes him happy, he would be overjoyed to share all his knowledge to you.

♡  He understands very well the appeal of getting work done to the best of your ability and making it look the best you can. He wouldn't label himself a perfectionist but he does want to do the best he can. Often with cleaning. You will often see him stuck in a room all day because he wants to make sure it is spotless before he comes out and continues work else where. Though... by the time he is done... It is dinner time. Perhaps the two of you could work together and get work done to the point you are both happy with it.

♡  Ishikirimaru is also someone who happens to stay inside for the most part. The only time he goes outside would be to enjoy tea in the sun or if he has to work the field/horse keeping. Ishikirimaru is a very soft spoken and gentle man so you don't have to worry about him every raising his voice and scaring you. If there is ever a loud noise, whether it is other swords or a storm outside, he will gently hold your hand and try to calm you down. He will assure you that it's okay to not like loud noises but he will make sure that nothing hurts you. He will even try to lead you away to somewhere that may be a little more quiet. Giving you a distraction to get your mind off the noise. He wants nothing more than you to feel comfortable and safe.

♡  Depending on the game, he may want to play with you! He tends to like card games even though he is very easy to read and often loses. He tends to laugh about it after when he realizes that he was accidentally showing his hand every time he set down his cards to get a sip of tea. If it's video games, he would prefer to just watch you play and talk to you while you enjoy the game. He isn't the biggest fan but still enjoys to watch! Ishikirimaru is a pretty good teacher! So if you wish to study with him, he would be flattered that you wished to study with him out of everyone. He is very understanding that some material is hard to memorize out of no where. He would just softly correct you and tell you to work on it a little more. He rewards you with sweets every time you do really well on any test he gives you to test how much you remember.

♡  Ishikirimaru would be the most understanding and gentle partner. He wants nothing more than you being comfortable and happy. He would work hard on you slowly forgiving yourself when you make a mistake and love yourself a little more. He would never give up on you and be there if you ever needed.

[aquilamage]

“Court will adjourn for a thirty minute recess.”

Even with standing the moment the judge’s gavel sounded, Badd still had to wade through a crowd to get from his spot on the aisle of the first row of the gallery to the stairs outside. Fortunately, once out in the hall, the guards standing at the defendant lobby stepped aside to let him in without a word. The door clicked shut behind him, blocking out the murmur of the countless voices outside.

In contrast, this room was almost silent, save for Sebastian’s crying. He sat in the middle of the couch, curled up on himself, shaking with big gasping sobs.

To one side of him, Kay dropped another tissue in his lap. She looked up as Badd approached, gave him a smile that only reached as far as the corners of her mouth. “Hey.”

He nodded back at her. Then, he sat on the free end of the couch. It was impossible to tell if Sebastian genuinely hadn’t noticed his arrival or simply wasn’t responding, but either way it left Badd at a loss for what to do. He’d had a substantial amount of practice over the past few weeks, but it would have been much easier if he could simply hold him, like he does with Kay. At least that would be easy enough.

“Seb?” Kay waved her hand in front of where he could see. “I’m going to get you something to eat. Then I’ll be back, okay?” When he didn’t respond, she leaned forward slightly. “Okay?”

There was a long moment between, but he raised his head up enough to nod at her.

This time her smile had more substance to it.

He stared at the ground until the door closed again, and then a bit more, breathing still heavy but a little steadier. Slowly, he turned to look at Badd, blinking back tears. He opened his mouth, but whatever he was going to say caught in his throat, and he pressed his hand over his mouth.

Shit, the kid was an absolute wreck right now. He’d been holding up remarkably well during the trial today, and maybe he should have been suspicious of that. If this was the cost, Badd wished he would’ve shown how upset he was sooner. Sebastian wrapped his arms around himself, hands grabbing at the fabric of his sleeves. It was strange seeing him out of his school uniform. The plain button-up made him look smaller, or that might have been in his posture.

Well, there was a thought. Badd sighed. “Here.” He slid the jacket off his shoulders and, watching Sebastian carefully for a reaction, draped it over him.

His expression didn’t change at first, but then he relaxed marginally, pulling the edges around himself like a blanket. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” he murmured.

They lapsed into quiet again, Badd searching for something to say. The kid responded well to the right words, he’d seen that several times over with Edgeworth and Courtney. The key, though, was right, and most of the thoughts swirling around Badd’s head at that moment were of the sort about Debeste that he would not repeat to Sebastian under any circumstances, much less these. ……Yeah, maybe leave his father out of things completely for now. Find something else that could be reassuring and meaningful. Finally, he said, “You...did a good job in there.”

Immediately, Sebastian shook his head. “No I...I didn’t.” He wrapped his arms even tighter around his knees. “I kept messing up the words, and forgetting things, and,” he choked back a sob “and then I started crying. I was just a big idiot.”

It was technically true that Edgeworth had to talk him through parts of his testimony, with a few long pauses, but… “How many trials have you seen?”

He blinked. “Huh?”

“Have you ever actually watched a trial, before?”

“Um,” he appeared to give it some genuine thought, wrinkling his brow. “I think when I was little with- with Pops, but…”

Badd nodded, then reached over to grab the box of tissues for him. “I’ve seen plenty. You’re far from the first witness to cry on the stand. Especially one who’s been directly affected...by the culprit. And you won’t be the last.”

“But what if I messed everything up?” In the absence of anything else to fidget with, he started to run his fingers along one of the buttons of the coat. “If I did something wrong, and that means he doesn’t get-” He bit his lip, tensing his whole face.

“Hey.” He put as much weight behind the word as he dared, trying to keep his voice soft. “Listen,” One hand went to a spot on the couch next to Sebastian, close as he dared. “You told the truth, right? And everything you remember?”

Eyes red and still liberally teary, he looked over, and finally nodded.

“Between Courtney, Shields, Gumshoe, and Kay, you have someone backing up...most of your testimony. And Edgeworth’s the one who has the responsibility of prosecuting. You trust them?”

Another nod.

“Then just keep doing that, and we’ll…” get him convicted was the first thing to spring to mind, and while it was true, it’s what they all want (and the bastard certainly deserved it), again, not the right thing to say now. “We’ll make sure everything turns out right.”

Sebastian managed a weak smile. Readjusting the jacket, he took a few slow breaths. “Can I-” the words were so quiet as to almost be inaudible.

“Hmm?”

He startled. “Never mind!”

“No, what is it?”

Frowning, he turned his head fully away from Badd before he spoke. “Can I lean against you?”

The hesitancy, and even the twinge of outright fear in his voice didn’t surprise him, but it did feel like a hand was squeezing at his chest. With claws. He shouldn’t have even had to ask. Badd nodded before remembering himself. “Yeah. Of course.”

Sebastian made a tiny high sound, a messy breath that certainly heralded more crying, but shifted over until his head was rested against Badd’s shoulder, tucking the rest of himself in to follow.

Neither sad anything after that. This time was a more comfortable quiet, though, without the expectation of do something weighing down on him. Despite his earlier worry, Sebastian was hardly crying at all, the rhythm of his breath even against his side. This was the kind of situation he was used to. Kid didn’t even run anywhere near as warm as Kay, which helped that he wasn’t immediately overheating.

Speaking of: Kay walked back in, arms full. She paused for an almost imperceptible moment upon seeing the two of them, but kept going. “I didn’t know what you wanted, so I got a little of everything.”

Badd raised an eyebrow at her. At a glance, he would guess that she’d ventured down to the cafeteria instead of relying solely on the vending machines, but even that wasn’t a cheap option.

She smiled and shrugged, and dumped all of it on the table. “Hey, help me move this over,” she said, already tugging on one end.

As he did, he gave her another look.

From her bag she produced a wallet, which she flipped open to show an id with Edgeworth’s picture on it. Grinning, she put it back. Once the table was in place, Kay immediately turned her attention to Sebastian, scooting everything into his reach. “Help yourself.”

Blowing his nose one more time, Sebastian nodded. He accepted a water bottle, opening it to take a long drink before starting to go through the food.

They ate in relative silence. The food wasn’t bad – mostly packaged, but the sandwiches were fresh, even if they did taste and feel of having been in the fridge overnight. Sebastian had initially sat back on the middle cushion, pulling himself in to touch the others as little as possible. Until Badd murmured “I don’t mind...if you want to sit like before.” Then he carefully leaned against Badd again, angled better for eating. It was nice. Peaceful enough that you could almost forget where they were. He could only hope it was the same for the other two.

As he balled up his food wrappers, Badd checked the time. “Six minutes.” Beside him, Sebastian started to tense.

With a loud crackle of plastic, Kay tore open a packet of Swiss rolls. Carefully, she extracted one and held the second one out, wrapping-first, toward Sebastian. “I know today’s been hard, but we’re here for you, okay?”

Sebastian managed a smile, although his eyes had started to water. “Okay.” Then, smaller, as he took it, “thank you.”

Huh. Unless they’d had a conversation Badd didn’t know about, he wouldn’t have understood the full meaning behind Kay’s gesture. Not that it mattered. Her sentiment had still been made perfectly clear.

And as she broke the remaining Swiss roll in half and handed one piece to Badd, he realized it wasn’t meant only for Sebastian. He reached over the back of the couch and ruffled her hair, and she smiled.

By the time they finished eating, it was just about time for the trial to start. Kay swept the rest of the food into her bag, except for a full water bottle that she handed to Sebastian. “Mr. Edgeworth is pretty sure you won’t need to testify any more, so if you’d rather not sit down here again, you can go up in the gallery with Badd.”

(He remembered before the trial yesterday, when they’d mentioned that Sebastian could stay out of the courtroom when he wasn’t specifically needed. He’d never seen anyone yell that emphatically while crying before.)

“No.” He stood to his full height, a single tear rolling down his face. “I want to be there. It- It feels right.”

She nodded, and held her arm out for him.

Just as they got to the door, though, Sebastian skidded to a halt. “Oh! This is yours.” He reached to pull off the jacket that was still on his shoulders.

“Keep it on. If it makes you comfortable.” For a couple hours, he wouldn’t miss it, and he already suspected that something about the extra weight was comforting to the kid. Among other things.

He stared, wide-eyed. And then slowly, he pulled the jacket back securely into place, smiling.

“You’ll be fine, Sebastian. See you...in a bit.” With that, Badd left the two of them to head back into the trial.

[kittyspring-creates]

this is a rant fic mostly. Ship Kit x Larry my oc for sally face. Warning for suicide talk.

Kit sat with her back to the wall, knees to her chest as endless tears fell down her round cheeks. Evidence of her breaking heart, sore and torn. It didn't take long for her to be found. She was at a party after all. Someone else house. Someone else plans. Someone else life in a way. The gathering of people all having a great time as they lose them selves to the bliss of alcohol and drugs. But she had thrown her euphorbia up. Expelled it a while ago, her stomach to weak for what she wanted. It sent her spiraling. Alone in the back of the house where there was no bathroom, no alcohol, no drunk girl to mess with.

Just her and now the slapping of approaching feet. She gasped, snapping her head up to meet the person. He fear calming when she saw the figure. His slight sway in his motion telling his inebriated state. He stopped his walk right in front of her then rested his forehead on the wall. He Looked down at her as his long brown hair flowed over his shoulders. Darkening his hazy expression. She hiccupped as her tears stopped. He raised his limp hand to her head. Rubbing the side of it and petting her droopy ear that laid against her. She leaned into his touch and sniffled. Closing her eyes for a moment until he spoke to her.

"What's the matter" he mumbled, voice hoarse from the burn of the night. She lowered her head back down and began to sob. Her halted tears starting up again. "Everything. This place, my place, my family, my job or lack there of. I'm stuck. Stuck in a house if man babies and a yelling step mom who doesn't believe anyone else can be upset or is allowed to be emotional. Its just like before. Like with my mom. Her abuse and intolerance of me even breathing. Like my ex and his habit of starting fights and putting words in my mouth just to storm of and make me beg for forgiveness. Its never better. Its only ever worse and worse" she rambled. She sat up to wipe her cheeks and try to take in deep breaths. Gasping for air that she needed. Her voice shaking in whines and chokes with her personal waterfall coming down her face. "Its all terrible and no matter how much I prepare for the future rent goes up and food goes up and I need to prepare more so I don't end up on the street. But it keeps going up and I mentally cant handle working full time all the time. But its an excuse, I'm just being lazy, I'm not gonna go anywhere in life like that. I don't matter, my comfort means nothing" she raised her voice. She took in one last big breath and her shoulders sank. Her hiccups subsided and her gasping lessened. She laid her head down on her knees as she loosely held her ankles. She sniffled while she looked at nothing. Taking in none of what she saw before her. "Kitten" the man began again. "Do you want to die" he wondered. Low and raspy. She blinked slowly then mumbled "Yes, more then id like to admit" she confessed.

"You want to leave forever into the abyss where no one can hurt you anymore and you can finally stop existing" he painted a picture with his words. Kit raised her head to look at him, her large eyes dull and red from her crying. "Larry" she whispered. He pushed back from the wall and moved over to the right. He dropped down beside her, his head still swaying a little. "I think about it a lot. Dying. How easy it be. How it would end everything. Sometimes I get angry. They say death doesn't happen to you it happens to the people around you. Sometimes I don't care if their sad about it cause they don't care about me now. Cause I'm not around to help them with their shit so they mourn a therapist that worked without the pay or benefits. And that scares me to. That I don't care. Are you the same Kitten" he turned his head to meet her gaze. She was still holding herself. Hunched to rest in her prompted up legs.

"Yes, I think about that to. No one would really be sad. I would disappear and they'd fake it but really they'd all be happy. After the initial shock and the anger of paying for a funeral. They'd feel lighter with out me. I wouldn't have to fight anymore just to be heard. Or be back handed for having emotions and opinions. In a way id be free from all of it, the manipulation, the trauma, capitalism. Sometimes I don't even care about losing the good things if it means I don't have to suffer the bad anymore" her voice was distant, low and hopeless. Carrying nothing but the shattered remains of her chaotic thoughts.

The man turned his head to look out at the scene in front if them. "Id be sad...though I don't think it matters much. Because id know you'd be at peace. Would you be worse off it I left" he babbled. The woman leaned over to rest herself on his large form. "If you left I would never stop crying. I would cry until my heart cant handle it anymore and I took the leap myself. Its dramatic I know. Selfish even" she moved closer to him. He leaned down and rested his head in top of hers. "Kit, I'm barely surviving. Like you, its all I think about when I'm alone. How much I want to die. How much I know you want to die. How you walked out into traffic and if that car didn't swerve you wouldn't even be here. How everyone forgets and pretends it never happened. Acting like your fine. No one prioritizes you. I think about how easy it be for you to disappear." He reached for her hand and gripped it tightly. She let him, intertwining their fingers. She looked up to see him begin to tear up. "I hate that we're losing, that the assholes of the world have pushed us so far that we want to die. How they keep coming and no one seems to care or wants to do anything about it cause people are just people. I hate watching you suffer, I hate how everyone you met has taken a piece of you, that's not fucking fair. I hate how everyone's taken a piece of me. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Or how to make myself happy" the man began to cry. The droplets running down his face as he clenched his jaw in frustration.

"Larry I wanna take you home. But that would mean taking you to the place you hate. Where some man has walked your floors acting like he owns the place. And I can't take you to my place. Not with the constant yelling and temper tantrums going on. The lack of privacy everywhere. Its better to just stay here and fall asleep against this wall. Maybe we wont wake up" the man hiccupped at her ramble. A smile forming on the side of his face. "Your about to say something cute like 'they'll find us here together and know we were best friends'" now she was the one to chuckle and smile. "Are you quoting mew mew power" she wondered.  "Yeah" he held her tighter to stop the trembling of his hand. He ran his thumb along her hand. Trying to ground himself. The conversation ended. Both tired now and un able to move from their spot. The over whelming sadness anchoring them like stone to the floor and wall. Not like any of it mattered they concluded. They really could stay there and no one would care, no one would worry about them. They didn't matter to a soul. To the world around them.

[currywaifu]

𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞: three words 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩: minagi tsuzuru/reader 𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠: sfw 𝐰𝐜: 1.4k words

𝐚𝐧: In this house we love Tsuzuru, always~ This one’s shorter than what I’d usually write but even so I hope you enjoy! To my fellow Clockwork rankers make sure to get some well deserved rest soon!

You could say with utmost certainty that Minagi Tsuzuru was the perfect boyfriend. As a man he’s hard-working and capable of many things, as a friend he was considerate, kind, and protective; as a boyfriend, he managed to deliver all of those things and more.

Him being attractive didn’t hurt either.

A gentle squeeze on your left hand took you out of your thoughts, but you couldn’t be bothered to focus on your surroundings with Tsuzuru still beside you.

“We’re here already, huh,” you tried not to sound disappointed at the sight of the familiar dormitory, but you must have slipped up somewhere based on the way Tsuzuru looked at you.

“Pfft, we’ll see each other again on campus next week,” he laughed,  turning to face you completely as his unoccupied hand found its way to yours.

“I’m sad our date ended so soon, though,” you replied, looking into his eyes as you swung your arms together, “I just wish we got to spend more time together. I really had fun today.”

His eyes softened, fingers locked more tightly with your own. “I enjoyed today, too.” Silence took over the conversation, and while it wasn’t uncomfortable per se it was clear to you something was missing. Filling in the awkward gap, you leaned in to peck him on the cheek.

That seemed to do the trick— no matter how many times you’ve kissed him the pinpricks of red still appear on his cheeks. You don’t bother stifling your laughter, slowly unclasping your hands as you step backward.

“Let me know when you get home, okay?” With only your fingertips left touching, you reluctantly let go, already upset at the loss of his warmth. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too,” he said quietly, offering up one last smile as he watched you disappear into the building.

As soon as you entered your room you quickly threw yourself onto your bed, groaning in frustration as your face plants itself onto a pillow. Really, practically everything was perfect with Tsuzuru, but lately, you’ve found yourself wanting more.

From the texts exchanged on a daily basis, to the time spent going over his scripts together, to the deep conversations at night going on for hours— you weren’t so dense or insensitive to not realise that his actions reflected the same feelings you have for him.

Actions did speak louder than words,

but somehow, that wasn’t enough.

It slowly ate you up on the inside, from midday daydreams to late-night thoughts on your desire to have him say those three words. Were you making a big deal out of nothing? Was it simply too soon in your relationship? Was it selfish of you to feel so upset?

You flipped around, now lying on your back as you stared at the white nothingness of the ceiling. As the questions continued to float around you shut your eyes tight, willing them to leave your mind.

A buzzing sound coming from nearby rendered you awake, and with sleepy eyes, you gave your bed a pat-down to find the misplaced device. It didn’t take long, your hand coming in contact with a familiar shaky motion.

One look at the caller ID had you smiling instantly. Despite the emotional wreck, you were a while ago, talking with Tsuzuru made those doubts and insecurities vanish. Without a second to spare for hesitance you quickly answered the call.

“Good afternoon,” you greeted, a yawn soon following your words. “Sorry, were you trying to call for a while now?”

Tsuzuru audibly sighed, and for a moment you could almost imagine him rubbing his temples. “A few minutes. Also, it’s technically evening now, actually- did you fall asleep?”

You sat up, hand reached out to pull away your curtains. True to Tsuzuru’s word, the window framed what made for a beautiful painting— an ombre of crimson, orange, and gold as the sun hid from the moon once more.

“I guess I didn’t realise how exhausted I was until I got home,” you said with amusement, “have you seen the sunset today?”

He hummed, your ears picking up on the subaudible crinkling of a paper bag. “I had to run an errand, so I’m walking home just now.”

You continued watching the resplendent sky. It brought you comfort, knowing that he was watching the same sight as you were. Soaking in the peaceful glow, your previous worries began to wash away. You could always just…

“The sunset’s especially beautiful today,” you said, voice less raspy from your slumber but still soft-spoken. “It’d be nice to watch the sunset together sometime.”

“Okay… we’re doing that now, aren’t we?” He chuckled as soon as he heard you huff. You resisted the urge to retort, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t tease him back.

“The sunrise would be nice too… shouldn’t be that hard with how often you stay up, right?” 

Tsuzuru scoffed. “For me? Oh, sure… if you fall asleep before it happens don’t blame me for not waking you up, okay?”

You snorted, wondering if he’d be able to hear the grin on your face somehow.

The two of you entered quietude again, everything still save for the background noise from Tsuzuru’s side of the call. For being only two or three hours apart, the vibe was somewhat different to the same silence as before.

“Tsuzuru?” you waited for his response with bated breath, gathering up all the courage possibly contained in your body. It was a lot harder than you expected— the indecisiveness of how to go about saying it; the uncertainty of his response.

“Yeah? Is something wrong?” Your heart fluttered; he sounded a bit worried all of a sudden, even though nothing in your conversation could have possibly hinted at anything off.

“It’s nothing,” you trailed off for a moment, letting out a shaky breath.

To push through with it or not? If it was too soon, it would make things a bit awkward for a few days; if it wasn’t, then-

“Tsuzuru,” you interrupted whatever he was going to say, resolving your fears and doubts. “I love you.”

Tsuzuru’s breath hitched, yet he didn’t say anything. Seconds pass and you found yourself growing more and more anxious, until the line dropped.

What the fuck?

You dropped down on the bed again, unsure if you were more shocked or frustrated. You just told him you loved him for the first time and he dips? Sure, you understood the possibility of him not responding in kind, or telling you it was too soon— definitely not hanging up on you.

You probably should have said it in person because he wouldn’t be able to escape then.

Minutes pass of you trying to wrap your head around the whole situation, completely and utterly silent until you heard the rapid-fire rapping on your door. You sighed, dragging yourself up and preparing to berate whichever dorm mate of yours was making so much noise.

Instead, you were greeted by Tsuzuru, flushed to the roots of his hair and out of breath. Even though you were still frustrated with him for leaving the call with no explanation, you were still concerned by his sudden appearance.

“What are you doing here?” you asked, letting your annoyance s into your tone. “You can’t just hang up and then-“

“I’m sorry,” he panted out, hastily setting aside his things. “I just had to see you immediately.”

He whispered your name softly, present with more adoration and awe than you’ve ever heard your name pronounced before.

“I was nervous about saying anything. I thought it might have been too soon, I didn’t want to freak you out. Instead, I hurt you in the process.” He stepped inside your room hesitantly, not wanting to make you uncomfortable or angry. When you don’t push him away, he takes one of your hands, holding onto it lightly as though you were fragile.

“I love you,” Tsuzuru said, confidently as though he had never been more sure of something in his life. “I love you more than words could say.”

Your shoulders shook, body quivering slightly as you held back the overflow of emotions you felt. All the anger and insecurity and doubt trickled out of your system until only your affection for Tsuzuru remained.

“Could you say it again? I’d like to hear it in person this time.”

“I love you. I’m in love with you, Tsuzuru.”

Pulling you by the hand he wrapped his arms around you tightly, he replied, “I’m in love with you, too.”

want to order again?

[supertransural]

thinking about dean cas and baby jack going on a road trip. dean’s used to being in the impala for long lapses of time, but it’s usually stressful, it’s tiring, it’s always in the expectancy of another job, another monster to be defeated. it’s always going from point A where a killer was killed to point B where another one awaits. it’s always about the job.

so this time, concentrating on the road as dusk was slowly creeping up on them, with cas dozing off beside him or maybe thinking hard about... something (this was cas after all, how was dean supposed to know what went on in his (his!! he still couldn’t believe that) angel’s head), squinting as always, his eyes almost shut; with 4yo jack in the backseat, drooling all over the fine black leather (if this wasn’t his kid, dean would’ve stopped the car already and thrown the child out just for this punishable-by-death-atrocity) and dreaming about a future dean gets to be a part of (goddammit how did he get so lucky), he was surprised when he didn’t feel the much-too-common tension in his shoulders. he felt... relaxed, yes that’s the word. it’s a word he was beginning to understand, a word that cas was teaching him how to feel.

a small smile cracked its way through dean’s face as he turned his attention back to the road. they were on their way to Louisiana, not set on a town yet. he may have been retired, but dean hadn’t lost his taste for adventure, so he had convinced his little family to just, wing it. he wondered if he should switch routes and see where the new one lead him, but that might upset cas who was really excited about eating the good food he’d heard his husband talk so much about. louisiana it is, then, he thought.

in the corner of his eye, he could see cas breathing deeply, no doubt already mapping out every possible resting spot for tonight, every corner store that sold kids food, maybe emergency stuff (cas could get a bit overwhelming when he listed off every single potential thing that may go terribly wrong with jack when they leave the safety of their house) or diners that cas deemed appropriate enough for their special kid. because he really was special, every smile, every laugh, every new drawing or string of words he puts together seemingly just so he can see his dads smile, every single thing this baby does is special. unique. and dean gets to see all those things, he gets to be there for everyone of them. jesus he’s getting emotional, should stop that now or cas will be teasing him about it for the rest of the trip. ok, deep breaths now, he thought. the road, the wheel in his hands, baby’s engine humming quietly. right. got it.

they packed frantically two days prior, because cas. jack was giggling the whole way through, observing them from his stool, since apparently dean looked really funny with peach fuzz he hadn’t had the time to shave yet (cas woke him up in a panic at 6am dammit) pink pajama shorts, his boots and a unicorn tshirt he only wore in cas’ presence (sam is a lovey kid, but hell if dean is ever going to let him see the collection of tshirts this one comes from). 4 suitcases, a couple inflatable duck-floaties, way too many towels, every single one of jack’s stuffed animals (except the little purple dinosaur one that jack was firmly holding onto during his inspection of his parents’ packing ordeal) and a thousand other useless things cas seemed to find essential to their survival.

“jesus, it’s only a couple weeks, honey!” dean had told him, trying to fit the last suitcase into the trunk of the impala (and miserably failing, to his own bitter disappointment).

“yes, a “couple weeks” within which we will apparently be doing things and going places we cannot foresee, as was your wish. i simply want to be prepared for any alternative your resourceful mind might come up with. and jack requires all his stuffies, he cannot sleep without counting each one of them before bed. you do not wish to see your child cry for two weeks, do you? you would not purposely cause him any pain, would you? right then the matter is settled. these items must find their way into this car you love so much, and i must attend to our son. his breakfast awaits!” cas had responded, mischievous smile growing larger with each sentence. “good luck!” he then added, giving dean a long and deep kiss, as if this was to be their last.

after a kiss like that, how was dean supposed to keep on complaining? he wasn’t, and that was exactly what cas intended, dean knew that. doesn’t mean he protested, or argued against his miraculous-bitch of a husband. so he had finished packing, muttering to himself, but unable to push down the grin that cas’ kiss had brought upon his face. or the flush of his cheeks for that matter.

here he was, happy as he’d ever been, relaxed for the first time ever while being on a long drive (first of many times, he hoped), with the love of his life on his right side, and the other light of his existence in the backseat, little hands still clutching the purple dinosaur.

“hey.” he heard a raspy and sleepy voice say. cas had indeed been asleep for the past 30 minutes.

“good morning, sleepyhead!” answered dean, chuckling.

he looked at cas’ beautifully hazy face, his icy blue eyes shining in the pink-orange light of the fading sun. god, how could this man be his, and how could dean ever refuse him anything. he reached out his right hand to place it on cas’ left thigh, stroking it lovingly in round patterns with his thumb. smiling at him, he wondered if giving him a quick kiss would cause his husband to start lecturing him again (for the thousandth time probably) about driving safely when jack was in the car.

fuck it, he thought. he glanced at the empty road, and lunged quickly towards cas before the former angel could refuse, and placed his lips on his for a few seconds. grinning to himself as he sat back, directing his gaze back to the highway, he waited for cas’ annoyed voice, no doubt already preparing a stern talking-to and threatening him to rat him out to the police to get his license taken away (not that it would matter, dean still had all his fake ID’s in a secret box back home, carefully tucked between baby clothes and pacifiers at the bottom of a drawer).

“dean.” cas started, a frown already carved into his forehead.

“oh no you don’t” dean cut him off. “if you lecture me, jack’s gonna feel it and he’ll wake up from what seems to be a very pleasant dream. save it for the hotel room, i know a few ways you can make me feel the weight of my wrongdoing.” he added with a wink.

cas turned to look at his son, still happily asleep in the back. frown disappearing, a sweet smile starting to lighten his expression (wow, he really could just look that magnificent whenever he felt like it) he turned back to face his partner.

“fine. just because he’s asleep. where are we?” cas said, squinting disapprovingly, then yawning silently.

“just passed the northern border of arkensas.” answered dean with a sigh. “gonna be a pretty boring drive from here on out”.

“i see. there’s a motel not far from here, with a town nearby where we could find sustenance, appropriate for jack too.” cas said, not even looking at his phone: he’d memorized each town’s location, every name of every motel, roadhouse, diner that they might encounter, because he was like that. and god did dean love him for it. “it’s getting a bit late, and i would rather see jack in a bed tonight than sleeping in the car” he remarked. “no offense to her” he added hurriedly when he felt dean’s glare after what could be interpreted as an insult to his baby.

“alright. when’s the exit for this town of yours?” dean asked absentmindedly.

“15 more miles, i believe.” cas answered, propping up an elbow on the windowsill.

“cool. tell me when you see it, i might forget, with you looking so handsome right next to me and all. tired father really is a good look on you.” dean whispered with a side smile.

“oh stop it. jack is right there.” cas answered, chuckling and fiddling with his wedding ring.

they stared at each other, peace settling comfortably between them.

“you know i love you, right?” said dean, without a hint of humor in his voice.

“yes, you’ve taken the habit of telling me, roughly 28 times a day, give or take.” joked cas as he saw dean scowl. “i love you too, now and forever, when the seas rise and swallow the land, when the heavens fall and the stars burn out, i will still love you, the only light that ever mattered, the first soul i ever really saw, the one i followed to hell and back. but you already knew that, right?” cas uttered with warmth, with the same voice he’d used at their wedding.

“jesus, cas. if you’re not careful, i might just end up falling for you. oh wait, i already did.” answered dean, face reddened and heart full. this is where he belonged.

dean’s hand was still on cas’ thigh, and their gazes were still locked together when jack woke from his sleep in an adorable mumble. he immediately started babbling to his fathers about the dream he had had (probably making up new details, but you could never know with that kid). as the family laughed together, dean looked to his window, and time stilled for a split second.

he saw a ghost of who he was, staring back at him in his reflection, eyes glossy with tears (joy? terror? sadness? love? hate? too hard to tell). the face in the makeshift mirror seemed to ask “is this really what is coming? will i truly get to where you are one day?”. dean smiled, nodding a silent “yes, yes you will. in time.” and the face faded away slowly, a little less scared than it had seemed at first.

when he looked back towards his husband and his son, his own eyes were glossy too.

“what’s wrong?” cas asked, worried.

“nothing, i’m just happy.” dean answered, wiping away a tear that was slipping down his cheek with a sure smile. “i’m just... happy.”

they drove until cas pointed at the exit, ate, and fell asleep contentedly.

18 years ago, dean dozed off without the need for strong booze in the very same motel, and the same tear (joy, maybe?) danced down his face into the pillow. a low hum of a voice saying “in time” ringing brightly in his mind, he fell asleep into the deepest slumber he’d ever gotten. “all will be well”, a voice kept repeating.

[fan-imagines]

Salvatores~Sister

MASTERLIST

Salvatores x FemReader

Synopsis - Your brothers die while you’re at school. You go back home an get turned. 150 years later, you reunite with Damon, then Stefan.

Word Count - 1.2k+

**Warnings** none

~1860~

‘’Goodbye, Stefan. Goodbye, Damon.’’ I hug each one of them in turn. My father decided that he was going to send me to finishing school a few towns over. He hasn’t really known how to care for me since mother died. I figured that it would be better for me there, so I wasn’t too upset when he didn’t consult me in his decision. I can still write to Stefan and Damon every week, and see them multiple times a year for holidays. My carriage comes and I wave at my family one more time before I get in and leave.  

I finally make it too the school after a long ride. The head mistress shows me to my room, and introduces me to my room girl. I settle in, happy about where I am, but still a little sad that I am not bel to see my family more often.  

~~~~

I make it back to my room after home skills and advantages class. I’ve been here for two months now, and it’s been going very well. I sit ono my bed, when someone quickly runs in, and hands me a letter.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ She says to me before disappearing back out into the hallway. I look at the note confused. What could be so bad?

Dearest Y/n,

I offer my deepest condolences, and I regret to inform you that your brothers were shot. They both passed away soon after. We haven’t been able to locate their bodies, but bystanders are positive it was them. Your father, as well, has sadly passed. We found him mutilated in him home by animal. We are not sure how this happened, but we are never resting until we find those boys and figure out what happened to you father. We are going to send a carriage for you on October 2 so you can make peace and an appearance. When you come back, go to your home, and there should be someone waiting to give you instructions and guidance on how to proceed. Once more, Y/n, we are very sorry for your losses.

I slowly raise my head from the note that is now covered with my tears that fell from my eyes. My whole family is now dead. I have no one to go home to. No one to celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving with. No one to guide me and enjoy the rest of my life with. I’m all alone.  

~~~~ Two years ago, I received that letter. I went home for the funerals for all three of my family members. I stayed near Mystic Falls; I never went back to the boarding school. I don’t live in my old house because there are too many reminders of the people who were taken from me. I live close by to visit their graves, but I can’t live in that house even though it was left to me. Everyone near my town heard the news and they always asked me how I was doing, if I was okay. I would smile and nod, but in my head, I scream for them to leave me alone and not bring it up every time they see me.  

To forget my turmoil, I met someone. A man. He’s twenty-three compared to me, being seventeen. He helps me forget about everything that has happened to me when I’m with him.

~~~

‘’Hello, Philip.’’ I say to him as I walk into his house and sit next to him.

‘’Hello, Y/n. I want you to try something with me, please.’’ He hands me a glass with a crimson red liquid in it.  

‘’What is this?’’ I question with disgust laced in my voice.  

‘’It’s alright. Just drink it, darling.’’ He looks into my eyes, and I suddenly really want to drink it. I nod, and take a sip. I shy away at the copper taste, but swallow it anyway.

‘’Philip, what is that?’’ I place the cup down, not wanting to drink anymore.  

‘’It’s my blood.’’ He answers nonchalantly, and come closer to me.  

‘’Your, your blood?’’ I shout at him. He nods, and grabs my head in a swift motion. Before I can say anything or even comprehend what is happening, he jerks it to the side and my world goes black. I wake up what seems like minutes later, but it’s dark outside, so I know it’s far later. I look around to see no one in the room. I scrunch my eyes in confusion as to where Philip’s whereabouts are.

Philip is pushed out of my mind when I feel a terrible ache in my gums, and a hankering hunger for something that’s not food. I hear someone speak, and I turn my head as if they are right next to me. There is no one here, so how can I hear them? I can hear their heartbeat. I can hear their blood. I get up and run to the person, thankfully they are by themselves. I stop for a second, wondering what I am doing. Why do I want to kill them? But then I hear their blood pumping, and I can't help it. I go over to them and bite their neck, draining them of all their blood in seconds.  

What is this? What did I just do? Did I kill them? What am I? Where is Philip? He did this to me, but what did he did?

~~~~~

150 years later

~~~~~

I walk through my old hometown of Mystic Falls. I’ve only been in this town twice since I was turned into a vampire. There are too many bad memories of this place. I make it a bar that wasn’t there before, call Mystic Grill. I sit at the bar and order a bourbon with a lime on the side. I show them my fake ID and if that doesn’t work, I usually compel whoever is bartending. The blond boy, who doesn’t look old enough to work at a bar, gives it to me. I thank him, and sip on it. I hear three people come into the Grill. One of them comes next to me, and I turn to look at the back of his head. He has raven hair, but I can’t see anything else. He also orders a bourbon from the blond boy.

‘’Damon, have you talked to Elena at all today? She wasn’t at school.’’ the bartender asks. I can’t help but listen to their conversation as they are right next to me.

‘’She was at the house with Stefan this morning. I don’t keep a hold on her, Donovan.’’ He says. I blink and my eyes widen. Stefan and Damon. That can’t just be a coincidence, can it? Before the boy can say anything else, I intrude.  

‘’Excuse me, is you last name by chance, Salvatore.’’ I ask him before he turns around. Once he’s facing me, I am met with the face of my eldest brother, Damon.

‘’Well, who’s asking?’’

‘’Me.’’ I deadpan, not playing into his cool boy ways. I’m still shocked that my brothers are alive. There has to be logical explanation.  

‘’Sorry sweetheart. I don’t answer to you.’’ He says and turns back around to the people he came in with. I try to think of something that make him remember that it is me. Suddenly, I think of something we would always say when we would play in the yard together back home.  

‘’Nah nana boo boo! I win you lose. Nah nana boo boo, you smell like poo.’’ I chuckle at our old saying.  He freezes the motion of him bringing the bourbon to his lips. He turns to me again, and looks into my eyes, trying to make sure that’s it’s me. He smiles at me in disbelief.^^^ I see tears come to his eyes.  

‘’Little, Y/n/n?’’ I nod at him, and he pulls me into a bone-crushing hug. ‘’But how?’’ He asks while hugging me.  

''I'll let you know about everything, but first, can I see Stefan?'' I ask. He nods and we walk out of the bar after paying for the drinks. My family is alive.

‘’I’ll fill you in about everything. I’ll tell you everything. But first, can I see Stefan?’’ He nods, and we walk out of the bar after paying for the drinks and saying goodbye to Damon’s friends. I can’t help but smile all the way to my house.

~~~~

We walk up the gravel leading to the Salvatore house, and I lightly smile at the familiarity. I haven’t been here since the funerals. That was so long ago.  

‘’I see you both chose to stay in our childhood home.’’ I say to Damon. He nods and we walk up to the door.  

‘’I’m going to knock while you hide behind me so we can surprise, Stefan. I’m so excited for him to see you. He’ll be jealous that I saw you first, but he’s used to it. I know I'm your favorite.’’

I chuckle, and nod, ‘’Don’t tell him that.’’ Damon smirks at me, and knocks on the door. I zone in my hearing, and listen to the footsteps coming to the door before it is opened.

‘’Damon? Why are you knocking on the door? This is your house.’’ Stefan says somewhat annoyed.

‘’I didn't want to just walk in when I have amazing news.’’ Damon says.

‘’What news, Damon?’’ He sighs. To this, I step out from my hiding and smile at Stefan.

‘’Surprise!’’ He looks at me confused.  

‘’I’m sorry. Who are you?’’

‘’You and Damon are so slow. You don’t even recognize your gorgeous, amazing, awesome, baby sister.’’ I chuckle at him. He still looks confused, but I see the pieces coming together in his head.

‘’Y/n? That’s you?’’ I nod and the emotions finally hit me. Tears fall from my eyes and down my face. Damon steps out of the way so Stefan can hug me. I’m hugging my brother. The brother who I thought died in 1864 from a gunshot. I can’t even fathom how happy and content I am.  

‘’How are you here?’’ He pulls away from me. I let my vamp face show, exposing the veins in my face, and he nods. Both him and Damon do the same.  

‘’It’s a long story. I need a drink and to sit in my home.’’ Damon smirks and wraps his arm around my shoulder and we try to go inside when I am hindered by the magic stopping vampires from going where they haven't been invited in.  

‘’Oh, Elena is here. She can let you in.’’ Stefan suggests.  

‘’Elena!’’ Damon shouts up the stairs. I see a girl who looks just like Katherine come down the stairs. I read about her after my brothers died. Damon and Stefan sent me letters about here. Talking about how much they both loved her. I don’t like the way she treated and manipulated my brothers. I’m assuming she’s the one that got them killed in the first place  

‘’Really, brothers? You didn’t learn from your first Katherina? Yeah, I know.’’ Their faces look at me as if I shouldn’t know who she is.  

‘’I’ll have you know I am not Katherine. Who even is she anyway?’’ She asks, and glares at me.  

‘’Her name is Y/n. Now, let her in, Elena.’’ Stefan says.

‘’Why should I?’’

‘’Because, Elena, this is my house, and I haven’t been here in one-hundred-and-fifty years. You own nothing here except maybe my brother’s heart. Now, I would really appreciate id you would do me the grand honor of letting me inside my own house.’’ I smile sweetly at her sarcastically. Damon lightly chuckles and smirks at my snarkiness I learned from him.

‘’Would you like to come in?’’ She returns almost as sarcastic. I thank her and walk past her to the living room. Stefan and Damon sit next to me, ready for me to tell them what happened.  

‘’When you both ‘died’, I came home to the funeral the people in our town funded and planned. I never went back to that school. I kind of just floated around place to place that was somewhat near here. So I could visit you both and father at the cemetery. When I was seventeen, I met someone. His name was Philip. He was twenty-three at the time, he was just someone to distract me.’’ I am about to continue when I am interrupted by Elena’s voice.

‘’Sounds pretty desperate if you ask me.’’

‘’Thankfully I didn’t.’’ I cut her off. I grab a bottle of bourbon from the table behind the couch. I take a drink of it and continue talking.  

‘’He gave me his blood and compelled me to drink it. I drank it willingly, not knowing what it was. I asked him, he told me, then he snapped my neck. I woke up with a hunger and enhanced senses. I was confused, I could hear someone’s heart beating. I killed them. I’ve been a vampire since then, but I don’t drink fresh. Usually bagged, or animals.’’

‘’So, you were just turned by some random guy?’’ Damon asks, looking like he wants to kill someone.

‘’Yes, but back then he wasn’t just a guy. He was someone that made me feel better about my situation. About my life. Having a dead mom, dead dad, and two dead brothers. He made me forget about all that. He made me feel mature, and safe with him.’’

‘’How old are you now, Y/n?’’ Stefan asks me.

‘’I was turned when I was seventeen and I was turned in 1866. So, whatever that math it. I don’t keep track. Never really celebrate birthdays because I have no one to celebrate with.’’ I take another swig of bourbon, feeling burn my throat.

‘’Well, now you do. I want you to meet our friends. You’ve already met Elena, but we’ll introduce you to the others.’’ Damon tells me.

‘’I would like that very much.’’ I say to the both of them and we continue to talk with each other about anything and everything. Catching up on our missed years.  

[flightless-icarus]

may 20, 2020

so, since this is for my therapist, i wont be doing much introductions. yall will just have to get to know me as this goes if anyone else besides her is reading this.

today wasn't very eventful, or productive. i mean, it was a little productive, i got some of my panels done for my comic! i think about 3 or 4? i want to do a few more before i go to bed since i need to be doing 10ish a day to meet my quota. or im not gonna meet my deadline. i worry about not meeting that deadling a lot, im scared i wont be able to meet it. and i really feel like i shouldn't and cant miss this opportunity.

so as of right now, im a bit upset. it's 11pm and my mom went to take a shower, and, i know i said last time that i shouldnt be snooping but i keep getting super paranoid about them talking about me and what they're planning because, like everyone else ive ever lived with, is pretty quick to kick me out without even mentioning anything.

so i read her texts between her and my dad, and they were pretty hurtful?? i keep worrying, especially now, that i am the problem. like my dad mentioned in texts to my mom that "she hasn't talked to me in 10 days, why is she even here? is this still supposed to be part of her growth?"

1. ive been here for 2 months, who expected any growth in 2 months? especially when im still in the process of trying to solve problems and work through problems,  and 2. WHY would i want to talk to him? plus he hasnt talked to me!!! why does he think he can complain about me not talking to him when he hasn't done the same thing with me in 10 days!!

but, idk. anyway, i feel like im the problem. shitty situations follow me around and i feel like i just can't click with people anymore. i feel like im the toxic one, especially after reading those messages about my mom telling my dad she things im just full of myself, and him saying im this ungrateful, wasteful, disrespectful human being and how i trigger him so much and he's so scared i'll use shit against him, but he doesn't care to think about my feelings either?

i dont think im ungrateful, im grateful im being given a place to stay, but im not a fan of having to live with him again considering how much bullshit he put me through growing up. if i had somewhere else to go, and money to do it, i'd probably spit in his face and tell him to never speak to me again.

id love to get away from him again. despite the paranoia of him showing up at my door when i lived in oregon,  it still felt so amazing to be away from him. i know my mom isn't great but i dont know i still like her. i probably shouldnt, since she thinks im just as insufferable as he thinks.

i feel like im reverting back to how i was when i lived here the first time. i feel like theyre erasing all the progress ive made over the years with my ability to speak out when i feel likeim not being treated right. i dont even feel like i agree with the things theyre saying about me in text?? im not a bad person?? im not full of myself, or acting aggressively (unless provoked), and im not being ungrateful. im a little wasteful but that has a lot to do with my food anxiety. i wont eat anything if its been in the fridge for longer than a couple days, so i throw a lot of stuff out. and i feel bad, but if i eat it, even if its good, the anxiety of eating it will make me sick. and that just feeds the "see i shouldn't have eaten that, it made me sick"

i feel like i dont belong, i feel like im not welcome anywhere. i just want to move out and live alone and just die alone. i feel like thats the route im heading anyway.

i still find myself forcing myself not to cry, even right now.

im sad, im hurt. i feel like im the problem. i feel unwanted everywhere i go, i even feel like my own best friend only talks to me out of pity. i always worry she doesn't actually want to speak to me, she just does because she feels bad and doesn't want to take away the only friend i have. she knows shes my only friend. and has been for like 3 years now.

ive been feeling a lot of either nothing or sadness lately too, but tonights just worse that normal. part of it is from the Joker movie and part of it is from reading those texts. i want to say theyre gaslighting or theyre just saying that shit to get in my head, but those are private conversations, those are genuine, private thoughts theyre having. i mean... maybe theyre having those thoughts because they feel like im some awful person so their view of me is bad?? i dont know. i really dont. i always kinda thought my mom was at least sorta on my side, especially when she complains so much about how badly he talks about me and how she hates that he hates me.

i thought she was at least with me on this but i dont know. i dont know, and i dont like that i dont know. i dont know who to trust, or how to feel. i just feel like i should start keeping my mouth shut again because thats when the peace was being kept the best.

"dont speak unless spoken to".

right now, im: sad, anxious, a little nauseous, even sadder now that my cat has gotten off my lap, i have a headahce, and im tired but i dont think ill be able to sleep. i want to cry, i have the lump in my throat, but i don (i ended it here)

[shittyfandomimagines]

Pretty Damn Awesome

Word count: 2,697

Fluff, my heart can’t even

GIF creds to owner

I felt so giddy and happy, the rush of excitement flooded my body. I was honestly so nauseous just because of how much energy was building.

“You’re fucking pregnant!” My best friend shakes my arm a little, she came with me to the doctor because I was feeling a little queasy. I would’ve asked Ashton, but he was somewhere in the world doing interviews.

“I am, I’m fucking pregnant.” I started to cry happy tears and she engulfs me in a hug. “Hey, it’s just a baby, don’t be sad.” She rubs my back soothingly. “I know! I’m just so happy, I get to have my own baby and family.” I smile through the tears. “How are you going to tell Ash?” She asks and I shrug. “Well, he flies back tonight and we have dinner with his mom tomorrow night. Should I do it there?” I ask and she nods vigorously. “We need to find something cute to do.” She suggests and I nod along.

“Well, Mrs. Irwin, you are free to go. We looked at your blood work and it seems that your iron is a little low. We suggest some low-dose iron pills if you become anemic it can interfere with how small your baby can be.” The doctor comes back into the room and tells me, he hands me a slip that had the name of the medicine.

“Thank you, we were going by the store anyway.” I smile towards her and she nods. “Congratulations to you, just stop by the front desk to check out.” She shakes my hand before leaving the room. “I’m gonna search Pinterest for some ideas, you get to drive my dear. You’re no longer sick, you’re just pregnant.” My friend jokes and I roll my eyes.

—-

“What if we got like a vinyl record, like an old one that he probably won’t even know, we paint over the title; after that, we can put ‘for the record, I’m pregnant.’ It would be so cute.” Leslie suggests as we pull up to CVS. “Awe, that would be so cute. We could go downtown to that old record shop.” I wanted to cry all over again because I was so happy.

“I don’t know how you’re gonna hold this in all day when Ashton comes home.” She laughs as we get out of the car. “Well, I’ll try my hardest.” I laugh and we walk towards the pharmacy.

“Well, you’re going to need these, for sure.” Leslie puts prenatal vitamins in the basket. “Look for Vitron-C, it’s what he wrote down,” I tell her and we both start scanning the aisle. “Ah, found it!” I say and bend down to grab it.

“Does CVS even sell paint?” She asks and I shrug. “Maybe we can get the kid ones, I mean it’s not like we’re doing a huge project. We only need to paint the circles on both sides.” I tell her and she nods. “Then we can just find a silver sharpie and write on the record.” Leslie insists and I smile. “I’ll go find the kid paint, you find the sharpies, meet back at the candy,” I demand and she walks off.

I wander around until I find the paint, a few sections down I see some baby clothes and my heart quenches. I’ve never been so happy with my life, I mean besides our wedding. I grab the paint and then move to the baby items, I run my hands over it. I shake it off and go towards the candy, I put some m&ms in the basket. Leslie comes up to me and puts a pack of sharpies in the basket. “Let’s go so we can get the record.”

—-

When we both get home from the record shop, we automatically start painting the paper that was covering part it. “Leslie, you can write it because I have horrible handwriting.” I slide the vinyl to her and she sighs.

It gets quiet as she starts to write on both sides. “Do you have any spray paint?” She asks after she finished writing on it. “Probably our in the garage, why?” I ask as she stands up with the cardboard casing for the record. “I’m going to go spray paint this so he can’t see the artist. You stay here because you don’t need to inhale this.” She pats my head like a little kid.

—-

“Well babe, I’ve had so much fun with you and I’m so fucking excited to be an aunt. I love you so much.” She kisses my cheek and I smile. “Thank you, Aunt Leslie, for the win.” I hug her tightly. “Make sure you film his reaction. I’ll see you on the flip side.” She waves as she exits out the front door.

I grab the record and try to find a place to hide it. I go into the garage and hide it in the tiny safe we had in there.

I grab my phone and call my mom, I needed to tell her before I go to the Irwin’s tomorrow.

“Hello?” My mom answers and I smile. “Hey mom, I’ve got some big news for you.” I grin and I hear her gasp, she could tell already. “Let me go put you on the speaker phone with your dad.” I could hear her basically running into the room. “Listen to this.” I hear her demand my dad. “Guys, I’m pregnant. I found out today.” I hear them both scream and gasp. “I’m so happy! I’m going to be a grandma!” My mom sounded like she was crying. “I just wan- hey guys I got to hang up. Ashton is calling me.” I look at his caller ID. “Well, you two need to fly to America so I can see you.” She kindly demands and I smile. “Will do, I love you guys. Bye.” I hang up.

“Hey, babe,” I answer and I could feel his smile. “Hey, I was wondering if you were ever going to pick up.” He jokes and I smile, I was so glad to hear his voice. “Yeah, I was on the phone with my mom, but we were done anyways. What’s up?” I ask and he sighs a little. “Well, I won’t be able to be home until like 2 am, so I was calling to tell you not to wait up. You need your rest and when you wake up, I’ll be there.” He sounded sad but I knew he’d be there as soon as I woke up. “That’s okay baby, I’m not upset. You’re going to be with me for a couple of months and that’s all I need. Plus, we have the meal with your family tomorrow.” I soothe him and he chuckles a little. “You know how to fix everything, don’t you?” He sounded less sad. “It’s what I do, baby I’m going to get off the phone. I’m feeling a little sick so I’m going to go eat. I love you and I’ll see you tomorrow.” I say my goodbyes and he seemed a little worried. We end the call and I rub my belly a little.

I didn’t want to have that pregnancy where I felt like throwing up every day, so eating crackers calmed my pregnancy jitters. I lay on the couch and turn on Cake Boss. My eyes fluttered shut before I could even see what the cake looked like.

When I woke up I felt someone lifting me up, my eyes opened up wide because of the fear. The first thing I saw was Ashton’s sweet smile. “Hey baby, you fell asleep on the couch. I just got home so I thought I’d carry my lovely bride up the stairs.” He tells me as he presses a kiss to my forehead. “Thanks, Ash, I love you.” I snuggle myself into his chest. “Let’s get some pajamas on, you don’t need to sleep in skinny jeans. He changed me into some shorts and one of his shirts. I sigh contently as I lay my head on my pillows. Ash comes to his side and wraps me in his arms. “Night baby.” He kisses my forehead once more before we both fall asleep.

—-

“Morning, sleepyhead.” I hear Ashton’s voice as I come to. “What are you doing up?” I ask and he giggles. “I’ve been up for an hour, it’s 12 baby, you looked so peaceful I didn’t want to wake you.” He says and he kisses my nose and I grin. “You should have woke me up with you.” I wrap my arm around his neck and he pushes me up against him. His arms were around my waist and I snuggle myself in the crease of his neck.

“I’m so glad you’re home.” I kiss his neck softly and he squeezes me a little tighter. “I’ve missed you so much, I’m surprised you are still married to me. Can’t believe I found someone who wants to wait around for me when I’m busy around the world.” He sighs softly and I lift my head up. “Well I didn’t marry you for your job, I married you because you’re the love of my life. Your job is just a part of you.” I peck his lips lightly.

He pushes me on my back and hovers over me, his eyes were gleaming as he took in the moment. “I’m so fucking in love with you, look at you though. You’re so beautiful and you have this glowing skin. I just want to kiss and hold you all day long.” He lowers himself down and pushes his lips on mine. I wrap my arms around his neck once more, but this time I pull him down to me. He was trying to situate his weight but I didn’t care honestly. I allow his tongue entrance and he was taking dominance.

He moves his kissing down to my neck and I sigh contently. He starts to move to my boobs, but I didn’t realize how much they were hurting, so I push him off gently. “We’re going to your moms in 4 hours, let’s not have any marks that need to be covered.” I lie as he backs up, I knew it was probably due to the pregnancy.

I’ve honestly been lowkey reading pregnancy books for months, it’s just something I wanted to do and we’ve been married for a year. I wanted a baby so bad and now I know a lot of knowledge just from the books. “You’re right, let's go watch some Criminal Minds.” He suggests as he jumps over me, he picks me up and carries me downstairs. “I love you so much,” I whisper quietly, I didn’t know if he heard me or not, but I just knew how much he meant to me.

—-

“Anne!” I giddily yell and hug her, she wraps her arm around me. I feel someone tugging me away and I look back to see Lauren. “There’s my girl,” I say and I give her a hug too. “Can I show you my prom dress and stuff later?” She asks and I nod quickly. “Uh, duh. You know I’m your forever person hype-woman.” I tell her and she smiles softly. “Thanks.” We link arms as we go into the living room. “Can you actually walk outside with me for a moment?” I ask and she seemed worried.

“Ash, we’re going to the car! I forgot my phone out there.” I lie and he looks back at me and nods. He turns back to his little brother showing him videos of his drumming.

“What’s wrong?” She asks as we walk down the sidewalk. I make sure we’re out of ear shot by walking to the car quicker, I open the trunk quickly. I pull out the record and show her what it says, her eyes widen quickly. “You’re kidding! Oh my god, I’m so happy for you.” She hugs me tightly and I wanted to start crying. “I need to get this inside but I don’t know how to bring it in without Ashton knowing,” I say and she ponders for a second. “You go in first and be all lovey-dovey, I’ll sneak in after and put it in my room.” She plans and I nod.

I walk in and find Ash sitting on the recliner. Luckily it was turned away from the door. I sat on his lap and he smirks slightly. “Finally realize I’m the best person in the house?” He asks and I shrug. “I don’t know, I never thought you were the best.” I tease and he fake gasps. “How dare you!” He exclaims as he also fakes a pout.

I see Lauren start to dash towards the stairs. “I love you,” I whisper and kiss his neck softly. “Don’t start something you can’t finish, baby.” He whispers back and I grin. “Supper is ready!” Anne yells and I perk up. “Oof, gotta blast.” I jump up and don’t even wait for Ash, I was already at the dinner table. “I still wonder why I married you.” He jokes under his breath, he sits beside me and grabs my hand.

——

Everyone was finished with supper and most of them were drinking wine, well just Ashton and Anne. “Well, did you not want any? I’ll go get you some.” Ashton says and I shake my head. “One of us has to drive, remember?” I admit, that and I’m freaking pregnant.

“I’m gonna go get a glass of water,” I say and look at Lauren, she picks it up and we both stand. “I could go for some sprite.” She says and we both head towards the kitchen. “I’ll go get it and you make a glass of water. That way if Ashton passes out, we have something to splash on him.” She jokes and I nod, I grab a plastic cup from the cabinet and put water into it.

I go back to the living room and sit by Ashton on the loveseat. Lauren comes in with it in her hand, Ashton notices it when she sits on the floor in front of him. I see her pull out her phone and she sneakily records us. “What’s that Lauren? You got me a welcome home present?” He teases and she shakes her head. “It’s actually one from y/n.” She states and he looks at me expectingly. “Yep, I admit that it was me.” I put my hands up in defense. “You shouldn’t of.” He kisses my cheek before picking it up. “Well, I wasn’t gonna take it back,” I mumble to myself.

He pulls the record out and I think he was so caught up trying to figure out who the artist was. Suddenly, his eyes shift to the words. “For the record,” he turns the record over and his eyes go big, “I’m pregnant.” He ended up yelling it. “You’re pregnant? For real?” He asks and I nod. “Oh my god! I’m a dad!” He says as he tackles me into the couch, but he pulls back shortly after. “Hey, there little Irwin. I love you so much already.” He whispers toward my stomach and I feel tears cloud up.

We’ve been wanting a child for so long and his reaction just summed it up. Lauren turns off her phone and joins our little hug. “I’m gonna be the best aunt.” She says as she pulls away.

Anne stands up with tears in her eyes. “I’m so happy guys, l love you too so much.” We stand up so she can hug us.

She pulls away quickly and I see her demeanor change. “But I fucking knew it! You’ve got the beautiful glow, you ate much more than usual, and you had that little twinkle of happiness in your eyes.” She laughs and I groan, “you know me too well.” I say.

“So, does that mean I get to be an uncle?” Harry catches our attention and we nod. “Awesome.” He says to himself. “Yeah bud, it’s pretty awesome.” Ashton comments, he looks and me and kisses me quickly.

“Pretty damn awesome.”

[my-wayward-son]

2 months on T-------------------> 7 months on T

I’m late with this post.  Again.  Because I’m doing really shitty.  Again.

First, let me address the obvious: yes, I’ve lost weight. (Well, if you wanna get technical, I weigh the exact same thing as when I started, which I probably shouldn’t).  But beyond that, I don’t want to talk about it.  That change is probably 25% due to testosterone and the tendency it has to aid in the development of lean muscle, and 75% due to other factors.

All the previous changes I’ve noted in these posts are still happening/happening more, such as still more body hair growing/thickening.  There’s really nothing new to report, except that I pass better when I have on glasses and teenage boy clothes (as opposed to professional clothes), but still get a lot of gender neutral and she/her designations mixed in with the he/hims.  

I had a dream last night about correcting my dad (his typical naming convention for me is Laura, I mean, Laur, she, I mean, Laur...) . So he’s trying when he’s in front of me, but it’s obvious he isn’t trying when he’s talking to my mom without me present.  I’m torn between being upset about it and letting it go.  My dad was diagnosed with Aspergers as an adult and he struggles with shifting his perspective.  This is something else I don’t want to talk about, but just know that my far-from-NT-yet-decidedly-allistic ass has a hard time reconciling it.

But anyhow, the transition is going great, and I have no reason to be upset about anything, but I’m upset about everything, and the rest is going under the cut because it’s going to be full of triggers (suicide and ED stuff).

For my whole life I never understood why anyone would want one of those dolls that you can customize to look exactly like you.  My thought was always, ‘what’s so special about me?  I kind of suck.’  I thought so little of myself and my live, even as a little kid, that I would rather pick the princess or the American Girl or whatever with the most interesting story and change myself to match.  Like I’d beg my mom for an outfit the same color as the character’s, or wear sunglasses with the lenses popped out, or only style my hair the same way as the character in order to adapt into that character.  

Of course all those phases were just that, phases.  They were highly tied to the media I consumed, and as I aged, that media changed.  So I was always editing myself to match my current obsession.  I never gave thought to what I was actually like, deep inside.  Like it didn’t matter what my actual personality was.  I hardly even thought about it until the end of high school, and then a series of traumas knocked me down a few pegs, and that sense of self didn’t come back to the surface until mid 2017.

In mid 2017, I went to a 2-week dance convention.  At that time I was living as female, had basically given up on the idea of transitioning, and was just trying to push through as a painfully shy 24-year-old who worked full time and danced part time with a local ballet company.  At the convention, I studied various styles of dance, realized I was extremely untrained in every field but ballet, and spent the entire thing on the verge of tears because I was with students over 10 years my junior in most of the classes.  It was an “all ages” program, but literally all the other adults were in professional level classes for all styles.  I was only in the professional level class for ballet.  I couldn’t wait for the convention to end.  I hated every second of it.  I had a chronic foot injury that made dancing painful (but not dangerous), but I’d always pushed through it because I loved it.  Now I could barely stand to go to class, even back with my regular company.  So I made arrangements to retire. 

I retired from professional dance in May 2018 and had foot surgery in June 2018.  I could dance again, if I wanted to, but I’m not ready yet.  Eventually I might go back as a recreational adult dancer, just taking class from time to time.  But I don’t know.  

I still love ballet, but as of a year ago, ballet was the one thing hanging over me that I hated.  I hated the obligation; I hated the way it tore up my body; I hated the way it made me exhausted and ate up all my spare time. However, I was damn productive.  I wrote so many fics and drew so many pictures, and I went to therapy at least every other week, and sometimes to PT.  I was at the studio approximately 20 hours a week, on top of working 40 hours a week.  But I guess I was so busy and tied to my obligations that I quite literally couldn’t fall apart.  

My uncle died (suicide, marking the 4th attempt and 2nd success in my family) and my granddad died (heart condition), so I had good reason to fall apart.  I was freaked out and sad for a while, but I was also fine.  I was a robot.  When I look back, I realize that the last time I was happy was prior to the 4th of July 2017.  I call that the “Wonder Woman Moment.”  I did a photo shoot for a ballet personal training/nutrition service that dressed me up in WW-esque dancewear.  We blasted Patty Smythe and had a ball.  Even though it was a really feminine thing, it was so much fun, and I had no worries.  It was July 1st 2017.  Before my uncle died, and before my granddad died and before I went to the dance convention.  That’s my last happy memory.

After unpacking some acute issues with grief and anxiety, my therapist started talking to me about my issues with gender ID.  By November 2017 I was thinking about transitioning (I had thought about it before, but never felt it was feasible).  By December, I’d decided it felt right.  I sought out a doctor in January 2018 and had my first appointment in February.  I told my mom on Superbowl Sunday.  Then a month later at my Oscar party, she basically washed her hands of me.

I love film crit and the Academy Awards almost as much as I love fanfiction and ballet and coffee and all the other good things.  I’ve been on the edge of my seat waiting for the 2019 noms to drop.  I know a few of them just from the grapevine, but I haven’t looked them up yet.  I’m still working from my early prediction spreadsheet, even though the actual noms are just a few clicks away.  I’m scared of the feelings that’s going to bring up.

One year ago, all I could think about was getting through the next 6 months and reaching a series of milestones: my company’s production of Alice in Wonderland.  Moving to a new apartment.  My company’s production of Water for Chocolate (an original contemporary ballet choreographed on me and 14 other dancers).  Starting testosterone.  Retiring from ballet.  Foot surgery.  I thought my life would be so much better.

And in a way, it is.  I have the confidence to do random shit, like walk into Autozone and talk to the workers about what is wrong with my car, then help them fix it.  A year ago, I would have panic attacks over things like that.  But a year ago, my mom loved me.  A year ago, I thought I’d have my current job forever.  A year ago, I thought once I got on T, my eating disorder behaviors would go away.

I’ve gained personal confidence, but lost so much else.  Lost my family.  Gained a new one, but still, I lost my relationship with my biological mother and father.  Lost my job satisfaction, which makes me worry that at some point I will have to interview for a new job and integrate with a new company, which is frightening in the extreme.  T has changed my body shape in the way I like, but it’s not magic.  I’m still afraid of eating, and stress doesn’t help.  I’ve also had health complications that add pressure and make me feel run down.  Some is my own damn fault (Hi, I’m Laur and I abuse OTC medications like a rebellious teenager, which is apparently not advisable when also on several prescriptions).  Some is a fluke.  But feeling like shit while also mentally feeling like shit has destroyed me.  I hate my life.  I hate everything.  I don’t see the value in anything.   

I know there’s a Spider-Man: Far from Home trailer out there.  I haven’t seen it.  I don’t know what to expect.  I want to see it.  But I also don’t want time to move forward.  I like the MCU as it is (I like it pre-Infinity War, actually, but nobody asked me, so I won’t belabor you with my opinion).

And that’s a good metaphor for my life right now.  It’s a mess.  I can’t picture anything far in the future, so the light from my proverbial headlights is dim and dull.  I’m afraid of moving forward, so my tires are spinning in place, kicking up mud and dust.   I’m incapable of shifting side to side, so when I do roll ahead a few inches, I hit every obstacle in the path.  If I just changed the lightbulbs, twiddled the steering wheel, took a breath and let myself move, I’d probably be fine.  But somehow that seems like the most impossible choice.  

I could slam the car into one of the cave walls, triggering a rockslide and killing myself.  If I did that, I know it would hurt a lot of people in my life, but it would also fulfill all of my hopes and dreams.   Peace.  Calmness.  Stillness.  Not having to deal with a world that insists on moving forward with the passage of time.  

The most compelling reason is that I can’t find a reason not to.  I wish I was an undergraduate student again, because I want to get a degree in philosophy.  I don’t know why living is so highly valued.  I can’t figure out what makes this “will to live” the correct way of thinking and the desire to die the wrong way of thinking.  Right and wrong are subjective.  They don’t exist, really.  There is not value behind things and thoughts and actions.  They just are.  What’s to say that a lack of serotonin or whatever in a depressed brain is really not normal?  The non-depressed brain may have an excess.  Normal is relative.  Averages don’t mean correct.  Just because most people in the class chose answer B doesn’t mean that it is the right answer to the question.  Just because most Americans are a little overweight doesn’t mean that that’s the healthiest body type.  

Sometimes I really want to try to get well and forge ahead and get my life together.  Sometimes I want to say fuck it and take all the pills in the house and lay down and drift away.  I can’t decide which is better because neither is better, they both are just choices.  I can’t use other people’s reasoning to back up either one, for they are slanted for reasons I cannot understand.  They have a bias toward life.  I have to choose what I really want most, and I just don’t know.  I truly don’t.  My wants and desires-the deep ones in the core of my being- have been so long ignored, given up for what a character would do, or what my mom would do, that as an adult, I hardly know how to access the decision-making skills that most children have already mastered.  I’m a fucking goldfish; when I’m upset, I’m only upset, and I’ve always been upset.  When I’m happy, I’m only happy and I’ve always been happy.  I don’t know how to take a step back and see both at the same time.  I can’t hold contradictory truths at once.  I’m not wise.  I’m set up to fail because there are cracks in my foundation.

As long as I continue to not decide, I don’t take action.  I’m stuck in a holding pattern of “I don’t know,” and “what’s going to get me through the next 5 minutes,” and “just fuck it all, it doesn’t matter.”  

I’ve never, ever, in my life imagined myself as an elderly person.  I’ve thought of myself as a middle-aged adult, but never past 40 or so.  Sometimes I see myself as a woman, sometimes as a man, sometimes an NB person.  But that’s not what matters.  I don’t see myself living to old age.  Mortality is comfort.  The fact that this life doesn’t go on forever is one thing that honestly makes it seem ok to keep living.  But by definition, it also makes it seem like a good choice to die when things go wrong.  Because I will in the end.  

I see my life as a project, and I’ve always had this dilemma with projects: if I make a mistake, what point is too ruined to salvage?�� What factors make it more worthwhile to backtrack and fix the mistakes vs. just throwing it away.  Fixing the mistakes shoes dedication and perseverance, but it’s frustrating.  Hot.  Angry.  Uncomfortable.  Embarrassing to show youthful ineptitude to the world.  Throwing it away is quick.  Easy.  Zen.  Brings immediate cool relief with grace and style.  But it’s selfish.  So fucking selfish.  

If you’ve read this far, please proceed to pour water into your ears and shake vigorously.  This was not meant to be imprinted on your brain.  This is for me to sort out my thoughts, which are, and shall always be, unable to be ordered.

[big-bang-holmes-blog]

On this day, July 31:

After I came out my.mom didn't believe it at first, after I said "I'm not joking" about 15 times and her yelling at me saying that "that shit isn't funny" I think my message went through. That was my mom

My dad was different, I videoed it without him knowing and I was crying the whole time, I said "I'm queer" as my way of coming out and all he asked me to explain it so I did, he was calm. He was mad though, he started to get on to me because I didn't tell him sooner and because it's "unnatural" and I had all this on tape. He started to tell me about "fag drag" and how people around here drag fags along the orad on a car. Also "gay bashing" he said it's where gay people get their heads bashed my baseball bats. Always great when your dad supports you

I talked to each of my parents separate when I came out but this all just happened in like 20 minutes

So naturally I get called to their room. I get interrogated, "why are you this way?" "Where did I failed as a parent?" "You don't deserve to be accepted" "This is just a phase" "pansexuality isn't even real, it's bisexuals who want to be special" then I said, "Fine then!! I'm bi!!" Then they started yelling about how that's not any better, after that I got the "you're going to hell" speech. My mom didn't even look at me...

The whole time, I'm crying. They're still mad after me getting yelled at for maybe an hour, they get so worked up they call my sister to come over.

My sister and I were close, we told each other everything. I came out to her 3 weeks before i did my parents. They start to interrogate her and this is where I learned that you can't trust people you're close to all the time...

They asked her if she knew, She said yes, they got mad she didn't out me. they asked her right in front of me if she thought I was gonna go to hell or not, she tried to play in between sides and said "I PERSONALLY haven't studied but from what I'm told by people that DO study, that it's a sin..." this didn't help my case. They told me to go grab my phone because it "infected my mind" and come right back, so I did...

Then they ask her what my phone's password was... My phone, the only thing allowing me to feel safe, the only way I could talk to the one and only person that accepted me, the only thing I found some happiness in. If I lost that then I'd lose my will to live because it was all I had... She knew it. She tried to cover it up by saying "she might have changed it-" "tell me the last password you remember" is why my dad said to cut her off, she was reluctant but she said it out loud... As soon as she told them my password I said her name out of shock and by talking I was crying even more if that was possible, I wasn't even gonna try to hide it at this point but she even looked like she was gonna cry..

Now that they had access to the only thing that made me happy they told us to leave so they could go through my phone without me looking. Me and my sister were just standing in the kitchen, Im still crying because I don't even see how I'm gonna make it to next week and shes looking at me with sadness and pity. "I'm really sorr-" she started, I cut her off with "just leave" because that one action made me feel worse then I thought it could, it was the last thing I had left. So I go to my room and try to cry myself to sleep

I was sleeping on the floor because I didn't have a bed so I just curled up on my floor, i was worried about if they would find the messages between me and the girl that accepts me or if they'd see my internet history that was filled with LGBT content

Of course I couldn't worry in peace though, every 5-10 minutes my mom would come in and yell at me until she didn't know what to say, I didn't even respond but I just listened to her words feeling numb. She still didn't even look at me.. she just yelled at what she now called her failure. She did this until it was past midnight, after she stopped coming to my room I was successful in crying myself to sleep after my second or third panic attack of the day, my last one was about 20 minutes long and the seconds dragged on for what felt like hours

I don't think I'll ever forget waking up the next morning, I was woke up by the sun and as soon as I opened my eyes they were burning a lot, they were red and puffy like I'd been crying all night, I was confused about why I'd be crying? Because I never cry, at all? Ever?

Then I remembered what happened last night and I started to cry again, I felt so weak. my dad came Into my room and I was visibly scared of him and he said "what's wrong?" After everything that happened to me that's all he said, after him calling me a failure, after my mom saying the same and refusing to look at me, after them seeing me so distressed and not caring. After telling me my sexuality was ruining their life. After saying I don't deserve love.

The next day they took me out if the school I was enrolled in Because "I don't need to be in a place I'm accepted" so of course i don't learn anything and I'm trapped home with two parents who keep their failure at home.

The next year: so that day SUCKED a lot... but I got my phone back after a week and I was so upset I deleted the video of my dad when I came out.

That whole time was awful so was the next month but they cooled off after so long, throughout the year every time anything gay came up they'd get mad again, I've been cut off from LGBT friends, my sister wasn't allowed to see her cousin because she was queer and we were friends.

I went and bought a sticker that had a rainbow on it and I was told to remove it from my door, I was told id never be allowed to date a girl, I was also told to never date anyone black so yeah I was pissed. I joked about getting a black girlfriend to rebel.

My mom threatened me after I mentioned her taking me out of school, she said "it was because we had some 'issues' that's not gonna happen again Is it?" Issues meaning my sexuality and that last part was her telling me that if I acted gay again things would go back to all the verbal abuse and controlling behavior...

I can mention my sexuality to my dad when my mom isn't around because whenever he's around her all he does is take her side no matter what, I've asked if I could ever date a girl, "I'll think about it". I can't even be open with who I am and who I'm with around my parents and that kills me but I can't do that again

I didn't realize until recently how abusive this was. Emotional abuse includes:

Threats of physical harm

Constant criticism ✓

Spiteful comments✓

Public shaming

Belittling✓

Ridicule✓

Making fun of appearance or ability✓

Labeling✓

Repeatedly pointing out mistakes

Put-downs disguised as jokes✓

Teasing✓

Name calling✓

Blame shifting✓

Fault finding✓

Gossiping✓

Lashing out✓

Yelling✓

Humiliating✓

Insulting✓

Hostile looks✓

Sarcasm✓

Giving the "silent treatment"✓

Snide remarks✓

Withholding affection/Emotional support✓

Picking fights

Lying✓

Refusing to talk/listen✓

Angry attacks✓

Dismissing ones ideas/opinions✓

Unflattering nicknames✓

Ignoring✓

Rejection✓

Betrayl✓

Emotional abandonment✓

Isolating from supportive friends/family✓

Making one feel inferior "not good enough" worthless✓

They've only not done three if these? Out of 36. All the ones I checked were their behavior towards my sexuality.

[ride-a-dolan]

“I Hate That I Love You” (E.D.) Part 20

A/N: Hey guys!! I’m happy you’re enjoying this series! It’s not over yet! Feedback is always appreciated and I hope you enjoy!!

—————————————————————

Another week passes and Ethan can't take it anymore. He has to see her. He gets Tyler up one morning and they both drive up to Y/N’s town. He has to at least see if she's okay. This will be a really good idea or a really terrible one but either way he doesn't care as long as he can see her one last time. That's all he wants, needs is to see her. Hear her voice just one more time even if she's screaming at him to leave and never come back.

-----------------------------------------------

The funeral was a lot worse than I would have ever expected it to be. Seeing my mom in a coffin was absolutely horrifying. I cried the whole time and never stopped. Carly showed up and I cried on her shoulder throughout the whole ceremony. She's always been such a good friend and I'm lucky to have someone like her. My dad cried the whole time too. When we were burying her it was like a final goodbye. That would really be the last time I ever see her and it hurt.

Days after the funeral things started to get better. My dad and I could finally feel at peace knowing mom was finally buried and in peace. I would be starting school back next week which would be tough, but Carly would be there along with all my other old classmates who all like me and don't bully me.

Tyler hasn't called me ever since our last phone call which is good. I don't want to hear him tell me about how upset Ethan is. I could care less about that right now. He has no right to even be upset, he's the one who messed things up between us. Yeah I hate him much, but unfortunately I still love him. I still wear his sweatshirt every night and I still haven't taken off the necklace. I’m going to end up hurting myself more and more if I don’t forget about him soon.

Since it’s the weekend now and my dad and I are just sitting on the sofa watching movies like we used to do all of the time with mom. It's nice to just sit at home and watch old movies. Everything is okay until our doorbell rings. Dad gets up to answer it leaving me sitting on the couch looking at the door to see who it is. Probably just another neighbor to tell us that they are sorry for what happened. Dad opens the door and I hear myself breathe sharply in.

“Please can I talk to Y/N?" Ethan begs my dad while looking inside at a very shocked me.

“Please Y/N.” Ethan begs once more staring pleadingly at me. I stare at him while my dad looks between us. I watch my dad’s face as he starts to remember who Ethan is and his face turns into a mask of pure anger. He whips his head around to look at Ethan who is staring at me with a hopeful look in his eye.

 “I think you just need to leave.” My dad says breaking the tense silence. Ethan breaks out of his intense staring to look directly at my father.

 “Please. I just need to talk to her.” He begs again.

 “No.” My dad says sounding angrier than he did just a second earlier.

 “Mr. Y/L/N, please just let me. I have to please.” Ethan continues his begging. I stay seated on the sofa just watching Ethan. How did he even know where I live at?

 “I suggest you leave and never come back here. Stay away from her. If I ever see you around her again you will have me to deal with, yeah?” Dad says to him. Ethan looked from my father to me and back again and simply nods as if it pains him to do so. At that my dad slams the door in his face and walks back to his spot next to me without saying anything. I still stare at the doorway knowing Ethan is just right through it. Part of me wants to run to him but the other more smart part tells me to stay seated.

 “I don’t want you to ever talk to him again. He isn’t good for you okay?” My dad says looking at me.

 “Uh yeah okay.” I mumble still staring at the door. It’s been weeks since I last saw him and well seeing him again brought back a lot of unwanted feelings ranging from pure hatred to love. I feel so confused now. I don’t know what my feelings are or what I want them to be. I decide to call it a night because I really need some rest. I tell my dad goodnight and walk by the door to go upstairs to my room. I can’t help but peek outside the window to see if Ethan is still there. He isn’t. That’s good I guess. But if it’s good then why do I feel so sad? I just don’t know.

 I walk to my room and pretty much collapse onto my bed. These past few weeks have really drained now Ethan showing up at my house has just added onto everything else. I just need some sleep and I’ll feel better. Anyway, tomorrow Carly is taking me out with some of my friends from my old school and I’m not going to let Ethan being here ruin that. He’s probably already on his way back to Westbridge giving up on me.

———————

“Why do I have to hide my eyes?” I ask Carly while laughing. Carly came by to pick me up around six that evening and told me to keep my eyes shut when we arrived to my favorite restaurant/bar. My mom and I would hang out here and my friends and I would come here with our fake IDs and drink. Carly has always liked surprised so this doesn’t really surprise me. Carly has been my friend since as long as I can remember and she’s always been there for me. She’s about the same height and weight as me. She really is me but with longer hair. We could be the same person based off of personality which is why I think we’re such good friends.

 “It’s a surprise.” Is all she’ll tell me. She guides me inside and it’s unusually quiet which makes me anxious for what this ‘surprise’ is. “Okay you can open your eyes.” Carly says. I open them and almost jump in the air.

 “Surprise!” All of my old friends yell at me. Above their heads is a banner saying ‘Welcome Back Y/N!’ I feel myself smile and I mean a genuine smile for the first time in weeks.

 “I’ve missed all of you so much.” I hear myself saying to everyone.

 “We’ve missed you like crazy.” A familiar voice says while walking up to me. Scott. Scott has known me for years and we have kind of both liked each other, but never really admitted it. He’s tall and built with muscles. He’s also the member of my school’s football team and the captain. He has sandy blonde hair and just the way I remember him. The second he’s close enough to me he pulls me into a hug. I admit I have missed him, but I never really thought about him after I first saw Ethan and I start to feel guilty.

 “How are you doing?” He asks stepping away from me a little.

 “Better.” I assure him.

 “I’m glad.” He says with a smile. I go to greet my other few friends and to catch up. I really have missed them and it’s nice to have friends again instead of the whole school hating me.

 “Thanks for this.” I tell Carly while taking a seat next to her at the counter.

 “Don’t thank me. Scott was the one who suggested it. He really missed you.” She says glancing over to Scott. I glance over at Scott to see him laughing with some other friends. I find myself comparing him to Ethan. From the hair to the eyes. Just everything and I don’t even mean to do it. It’s like I can’t look at another guy without Ethan coming into my thoughts.

 “Is it bad that I keep comparing him to Ethan?” I ask Carly. She’s the only person that knows everything about Ethan. Down to every last detail.

 “No. Ethan meant a lot to you. It’s normal I promise.” She assures me.

“I want to get over him but I feel like I can’t.” I admit to Carly.

 “Maybe you aren’t meant to?” She suggests.

 “I have to.” I say firmly. Carly sighs and nods anyway. Her words stick with me. What if I’m not meant to get over him? What if I’m supposed to be with him? My dad would never accept that.

“You think way too much.” Scott says form behind me breaking me away from my thoughts.

 “I do don’t I?” I ask with a small laugh.

 “You need to relax and just have a little bit of fun. I promise it will make you feel better.” He says with a grin.

 “Alright then.” I agree while orders us drinks. I try not to think of Ethan and focus on Scott. Maybe I can move on from him. It will just take some time is all. Yeah Ethan was actually perfect, but Scott is okay too. I mean he doesn’t have the same deep brown eyes, or even the long torso, but that’s just something I’ll have to get over which I can.

“You’re thinking again.” Scott says close to my ear.

 “I know sorry.” I mutter.

 “That’s a cool necklace by the way.” Scott comments. I look down and see the necklace lying on my chest. I should have taken it off by now but I just can’t make myself.

 “Oh thanks.” I say nervously.

 “Are you sure you’re okay?” He asks sounding worried.

“Yeah.” I say trying to make it sound like I’m telling the truth.

 “Come on.” Scott says and takes me by the hand to where all of my friends are dancing to some song that I don’t even know the name of. He twirls me around before dancing with me. It reminds me of the way Ethan danced with me and I figure out what’s wrong with me. I miss him.

————————

“So he just told you to never come near her again?” Tyler asks Ethan as their sitting in their hotel room in Y/N’s hometown.

“Yeah and she just sat there looking at me.” Ethan answers. After Ethan got to the hotel from Y/N’s he refused to talk to Tyler about it that night so now they’re talking about the next day and Ethan is just getting angrier and sadder by the second. All he wanted was to hear her voice one last time not get yelled at by her father who apparently knows everything that has happened and hates him for it but Ethan doesn’t blame him. He hates himself too.

 “Maybe he’ll come around." Tyler says quietly.

 “No. He hates what I did to his daughter. She’s all he has left of course he wants to keep her safe and happy. Maybe I’m really just not right for her.” Ethan mumbles on.

“That’s a lie.” Tyler interrupts. Ethan looks at him and waits for Tyler to go on. “I’ve seen the way you two look at each other. You love being together. There’s no way you’re not good for her.”

“All I’ve done is cause frustration and anger.”

 “No relationship is perfect Ethan.” Ethan doesn’t reply to him. He just sits there staring at his phone trying to get his thoughts together. Maybe Tyler was right. But then again maybe he’s wrong. Ethan knows he isn’t a great guy and he knows he’s screwed up but he loves Y/N far too much to let go of her that easily. All of this is becoming too much at the moment. Tyler must notice to. “Come on. I saw a restaurant/ bar down the road. Grab your ID. We’re going so you can relax a little.” And with that they’re gone to some restaurant. Maybe this will relax him. Who knows they may even run into some friends and just have a nice time. Anything can happen.

————————

“See aren’t you having fun?” Scott asks while still dancing with me. I smile up at him and nod. I am having fun. The thoughts of my mom and Ethan are still in my mind but it’s a little bit better now. I admit, I would love to be in Ethan’s arms right now but I’m not and I have to get over him. I’ve decided that much. If I get over Ethan I can move on with my life without him in it. I really have no other choice.

 “Thanks for this by the way.” I tell him.

 “I just thought this would help you, you know? I just wanted to make you happy again.” Scott says.

“Well you are.” I tell him with a small smile. Scott starts to lean down as if he’s going to kiss me and I start to freak out. I can’t kiss him. I just can’t. No I have to get away.

“Sorry Scott gotta borrow Y/N for a second.” Carly says pulling me away. She pulls me to the bathrooms and just stands there looking at me.

 “You looked like you were about to pass out.” She says.

“He almost kissed me. I can’t kiss him.” I hiss quietly in case someone else was in the bathroom with us.

 “Why can’t you? You deserve a nice guy for once.” Suddenly I feel very protective of Ethan. Ethan was nice. He just messed up a few times but he treated me good.

 “I had a nice guy.” I tell her trying to stay calm.

 “Who?”

 “Ethan was nice to me.”

 “I knew you wouldn’t be able to get over him.” I just stare at Carly. She’s right. I can’t get over him. Who am I kidding I’ll never get over him. He’s got some kind of hold on me that I can’t get away from even if I tried to.

 “It doesn’t matter anyway. My dad hates him. And well I kind of do too.” I tell her.

 “You also love him right?” Carly questions. I groan and walk out of the bathroom leaving her behind. Whatever. I’ll find one way to get over him. I don’t care how bad it hurts me I will get over Ethan Dolan.

 “Y/N, come over here!” I hear Scott yell when I’m out of the bathroom. I turn to the sound of his voice to find Scott sitting with none other than Ethan Dolan. Tyler is there too but my eyes stay glued to Ethan’s much like his is to mine. How does he seem to find me no matter where I am? Everywhere I go there he is. Even in my dreams he’s there. I can’t get away.

“Um what is it?” I ask once I’m where they all are. I stay looking at Ethan. His eyes just move up and down my body but he never says a word.

 “These guys say they know you from that school you went to.” Scott says.

“Um.” I say. I don’t want Scott to know about Ethan. I know Tyler has always been protective of me and if he knew what Ethan did to me he would be angry. Same goes for Ethan except he would be more jealous if anything. “Yeah I know Tyler.” I end up saying. Tyler gives me a tiny wave while I give him a tight smile in return. Ethan just watches me silently.

 “You don’t know Ethan? He said he knew who you were.” Scott keeps saying.

 “No. I’m going to go. Thanks for this Scott. Bye.” I say hastily and leave the bar area and go outside.

 The chilly air hits me the second I’m out the door. I just wrap my coat around me tighter and walk. I came here with Carly but I can’t go back inside there and face Ethan. I can just walk. I’ll be fine. As I start walking I can hear the door of the restaurant open and close and footsteps running up to catch me. Please don’t be him. Please, please, please.

 “Y/N, talk to me.” Ethan says grabbing my arm.

 “Can’t.” I say refusing to meet his eyes.

 “Why? Because your dad said so? I know you still have feelings for me. If you didn’t you would have taken that necklace off by now.” He says. I do meet his eyes this time.

 “I’m not talking to you because I hate you.” I say between clenched teeth. I yank my arm away from him one more time but this time he pins me to a building on the side of the road and makes me look at him.

 “No you don’t.”

 “Yeah I do. I hate you so much. I don’t want to see you ever again.” I say and push his chest but he doesn’t even budge.

“I’m sorry for everything. Your mom, Ashlee, just everything I ever did to you. Can you please just look at me when I’m talking?” He asks lifting my chin up so I’m once again looking at him.

 “Sorry can’t fix everything.” I say.

 “What do you want me to do then?” He practically begs.

 “Leave.” I say angrily. I can’t take this anymore. I’m putting my foot down. Then it all happens, those lips, my lips, all the feelings...they’re back. He is my drug and I can’t sober up..