#thought about this at the gym today
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i love amanda and hoffman's dynamic because amanda serves cunt and hoffman is a cunt 💓
#juno talks ˖* ೃ࿔#thought about this at the gym today#amanda young#mark hoffman#saw#sawtism#saw franchise#rookieclaire
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#today's gym thoughts:#what does it say about our relationship that i straight up forgot to tell my parents that i put in the antrag to change my name last week#when they called on thr weekend?#like. i don't know if i'd told them if i'd remembered but. straight up forgot.#other thought. would it sound too desperate if i asked my prof if he has like. a favourite translation of the odyssey#because the one i have sucks shit#kaj rambles#to delete later
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byan once full-on tackled a kid during a soccer game in gym and started just pummeling him in front of their whole class because he intentionally punted the ball at their head.
the kid in question had been tormenting them for months since they transferred to the school and, after an already shit day, they'd been at their wit's end. the ball hitting the side of their head was just the thing that sent them over the edge.
later that same day, they slammed his head into a locker because they got in trouble and he didn't, having claimed that hitting them had been an accident. they earned a week's suspension on top of their week's detention for this.
in the past, this boy had been one of the reasons byan would skip out on school, their anxiety and fear of what would be in store for them each day making them physically ill. he would hurl awful insults at them, pull incredibly meanspirited pranks on them with intent of causing embarrassment and sometimes harm, and sometimes took it as far as physical assault. somehow, he almost always managed to avoid getting in trouble for any of this.
the soccer incident was the final straw for byan. after that, they stopped trying to talk to any teachers or adults in general about what was going on and they took it into their own hands. violently. however, they never instigated, only ever retaliated — naturally, the kid was often able to make it seem like it was the other way around. byan's reputation only continued to get worse, and somehow, no matter how badly they managed to hurt him in return, he always came back with a vengeance instead of backing down and leaving them alone.
one time, they bit his hand so hard that he needed to get stitches. they earned themself a broken nose and a concussion for it, but to this day they hope he looks at that scar and remembers the pain and fear they caused him, even if it was only a fraction of what he'd put them through.
somehow, it wasn't until byan broke a mirror with his face that they were expelled from that school and finally got to move on to a different one. some part of them was vindictive enough to want to hunt him down and make his life miserable the way he made theirs, but there was an intense fear of seeing him again spurred both by trauma and the knowledge that he might not hold anything back while not on school grounds which ultimately stopped them.
#this is not very well written bc my brain is just. not doing great.#but i'm thinking about byan's experiences with bullying today for some reason#this was probably around 13 or 14 when their life was already hell. like those were their lowest years by far and somehow things only#ever seemed to get worse. even when they thought it couldn't.#it was also the time where they'd finally started dressing the way they wanted and they leaned wayyyy into cute femme looks which. you know#was absolutely part of why the kid tormented them so badly.#feel like the bathroom & gym locker room were probably where the worst of it happened.#ANYWAY. i'm depressing myself thinking about it too much lmao#i'm setting this down and slipping back off into my game.......#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ headcanon ⋮ danger in the fabric of this thing i made.#bullying cw#assault cw#transphobia cw
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I love me some protective anger. Even at mis-perceived danger.
"Who said that? Where are they?"
The slight but unmistakable change in posture. That one moment where you can see dangerous impulses flashing through someone's eyes. Then they realize there IS no danger and just relax back into the causal stance they had before.
#trope#it's so good#i love it#based off a conversation at the gym today lol#someone mentioned to our coach about someone making snarky remarks about people using single pound weights#it was like someone online or something#but he thought it was about someone at our gym#and he was about to FIGHT#and like we had JUST had a conversation about he was injured and literally was not going to fight in a competition this month#but he was 1000% ready to fight someone being rude#love him
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Wait did Kai have his hair half up?!
#NO I was literally thinking about him with a ponytail last night while watching To Do#with his hair wet at the back i was imagining his hair up stdutug#are you kidding#never thought it might actually happen or happen this soon but I'm livinggg#i don't have Twitter or weverse now so i have nowhere to check 🙈#whatever it is he looks so good#GUYS he's getting too powerful close the gyms hide the scissors wtf#NO MORE BIRTHDAYS FOR YOU HK#today is cancelled. my brain is scrambled. sheesh.#sanity hanging by a thread#cee's notebook 🗒
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🙄🫠
#yk when i said i'm back to being active on tumblr well yeah 😅#i had to write a seminar paper for uni and it hasn't been going well because i got sick and didn't get much done#well i got an extension luckily but it still was a struggle the topic was just rly difficult to write about#i'm almost done now at least some 300 words i still have to write and then proofread and work on better formulating but yay#i should get it done today but yeah i'll manage so i'll be back when i'm done the latest tmrw#but seminar papers are for real my least favorite part of uni 😅 it's so time consuming and can be a real struggle ugh#i rather write an exam lmao#but anyway i needed to rant ://#my money got stolen 🙃😫#sometimes life just throws some shit at you ugh#like having to write this paper and not having a social life anymore isn't enougj#i don't know how it happened? i mean i don't know for sure but i can't explain it another way#like the money was in my wallet the day before yesterday and yesterday the whole day i didn't use my wallet qnd then it was gone??#maybe while i was at uni football but that's crazy it was not some public place but in a school gym lockerroom??#or maybe someone stole it from my backpack on the street idk?? but i didn't notice#but that was money i got for my birthday from my dad and aunts 😪#and i wanted to buy something nice with it and ig i will anyway but it sucks :((#it was not a little no i had 150€ in my wallet 😭 at least my credit cards are still there ig#but i realize now how stupid that probably was to carry so much money with but i thought it was safe fr#like i have lived in austria all my life and this never happened to me 😫 and it was not like i was walking around with my wallet openly#i mean i will be fine it would be a lot worse if that happened to someone who is just barely getting by but i'm still upset#and my mom told me that apparently it happened to a friend of her as well when she was in my city but like i never heard that before...#from any of my friends ... or maybe it really is that more dangerous with thieves in my uni city but like i wasn't aware#bc i mean in general austria is like a very safe country comparatively and feels like it never was on my mind#maybe it's horrible bad luck but in the future I will be careful to carry any cash with me 🙃
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Happy Monday
I’m 🙂 grateful 🙂 all 🙂 the 🙂 fucking 🙂 time 🙂
#me#tbh I like the vibe of this album but I feel like I’m too old for it lol#this song is growing on me tho honestly might make it onto the menty b playlist#aaanyway was at the gym at 6:15 this morning and I’m exhausted#didn’t go to bed early enough for that shit#but I got my lifts done and finished w 1200 stairs by 7:30 so I feel pretty accomplished 😌#started a new program month w my trainer today - phase 5 bitches#who would have thought#he also asked me for my weight/inches lost so he could brag abt me to his other clients 🥹🥹🥹#he’s so proud and it was validating at just the right time#bc ur girl is tired and my brain is fighting me a bit#but I’m not fking stopping#wow talk about a tag rant lmao ily if you read all these#Spotify
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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olympic sports I think my f/o's would be good at:
Nanami would be killer at archery
Kishibe would be a beach volleyball player
Toji in shooting (lol)
Todo in shot put (HOT HOT HOT)
Choso does water polo (don't ask me why, I just envision it)
honorable mentions:
Levi does pole vault (watch out Mondo) or the vault in gymnastics
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Arguably a "mfw I am locked in with you losers" kind of comment but it really is funny when I go to the gym or meet up with BT people the ways like 99% of arguments on here end up being re-contextualized is just Not That Serious
Which is really me talking about Social Media in general and not just tumblr
#This site exists so that I can see art and my mutuals posting the armpits of a girl from a mobile game and go 'I want to lick this'#Oh and people's Battletech painting#Which is also art really#Came back from the gym today to see an argument on Discord about something really stupid and I was sitting there like 🧍♂️#🧍♂️ did you guys know the guy that was changing behind me had a jojos tattoo I thought it was pretty neat
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Idk, the thing that gets me through the gym/self defense classes is thinking about how I want to keep up with my blorbos
Like
How am I going to run from the Empire if my stamina is shit bc they do a lot of running
And like what if my blorbo gets stuck somewhere or nearly falls off a cliff and I have to pull them out/up
And what if I got into a hand to hand fight how am I going to be able to defend myself bc that happens too
#idk it works#i was on a row machine today and started thinking about if i had to row quickly through a body of water to get away from the empire#gym thoughts#i just think about how Canderous would be like no lets get you to be a good fighter#bc im not stopping malak with someone who has noodle arms
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So I had a fantastic date tonight.
#it was a gym date and the first time we were meeting each other so i was nervous about it but it turned out to be really really nice#he's new to the poly stuff and the way that he spoke about it told of an emotional and intellectual intelligence that was so fuckin hot#he's really cute and we have a kind of shocking amounts of crazy passions that are exactly the same#he can quote scott pilgrim as much as me#he has dice tattoos#he got really excited when i gave him the origami ball i made while bored in a meeting today and wouldn't stop fidgeting with it#we got dinner afterwards and talked a lot about a lot of different things about each other and it was just really nice#and he told me i have the prettiest brown eyes 🥺#he also said that he showed his husband my pictures and he was like 'damn he looks like he has a strong stomach.not abs but like a strongmn#and i got SO EXCITED#i pointed out my gym crushes to him because i wanted to test the jealousy waters and he reacted very well#he answered my questions with a level of thoughtfulness and contemplation that i felt deeply attracted to#i just think I'm going to fall for him really hard and I'm very very excited about it#my love life has been... lackluster recently for a lot of different reasons#and I'm so fucking excited to have someone that i can be excited about who is just as excited about me#I've been craving that for so long#I'm just thrilled and looking forward to the next date#we're going to be talking a lot#I'm gonna be a little sad for a second. the person who i thought was my stream of consciousness has shown me that he doesn't really care#and that's been hard for me to come to terms with. we haven't even had a conversation about it#but he's been the only person that I can tell things to when i get excited about something#and i don't feel like i have that. so I'm writing in a Tumblr post about this because I don't feel like i have anyone#to get excited with me about things#hopefully that will change soon. I'm very hopeful about him.#just please. whatever deity is out there. please let me find some happiness here. i have been craving and wishing for way too long#personal#edit: another very very good sign is that he's much smaller than me and a trans man who is getting back into the gym#but he didn't seem intimidated by my size and was even comfortable taking flexing selfies with me after.#if existing around me or in that setting triggered any physical insecurities#he didn't show it. which was a big change from the ball of anxiety i saw when walking into the gym. I'm just impressed in a few ways
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(politely) let me kill myself
#mia.txt#suicide tw#today i:#1) put one foot on the ledge of the balcony and almost jumped#2) learnt that none of the knives in the kitchen are sharp enough to break skin#3) called 5 different friends because i couldn't stop thinking about ripping out my throat (none of them picked up)#4) cried in the gym (cried literally all day to be accurate)#5) thought about killing myself every single minute of the day
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Felt cute, might deteriorate later. [He/Him]
#feels like im in hell um#shibuya to belgium#anyway did my eyebrows perfectly but its night and ill prob sleep em off so ugh#im so tired bro i went thru my arm workout THREE times today bc of stress and anxiety#not to mention body dysphoria on top of the health concerns im trying to not think about anything rn so selfie time#OBLIGATORY: 'DISCLAIMER: i'M HI (HIGH)' TAG#but tbh not enough im still hurting with stress#could fuckin go for another round but i rly gotta try n sleep bc i get to cry abt all this in therapy tmr yaaaaay#fuckin hate that i cant treat endo lmao its like living in a cage w a tiger and not knowing when its gonna attack or give a love bite#anyway not to be a crybaby but yeah im not okay and dont know how im expected to go on lol#thought i looked good in my red light but ended up w a good orange light pic#wish i could show off my arms but its not impressive. mostly just feels nice to be like... solid lol#wish i could afford a gym#so my face will have to do for now hope i dont regret posting selfies at almost midnight lol#me#selfie#Cori.exe#Image.exe#ignore my chapped lips pls my dermatillomania has been rampant for the past like 2 days lmao i never stood a chance#hhhhh idk what to tag beyond this fence sitting whether to post or not so im just gon post and then go sleep hffff
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important fitness milestone reached: genuinely and unironically had the thought "damn girl you're looking good" while stretching in front of the gym mirrors today 😌
#this just in: exercising makes me feel better about my body! who'd have thought!#i used to be very self conscious about how i looked ESPECIALLY at the gym#and i don't think i look any different i just? feel different? something clicked today idk#me#strong like bull 😤#ALSO i only needed 60lbs assistance on the assisted pull up.... girlies it's happening.....
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“i don’t know how anyone gets through school without doing a sport. raii, how do you do it??!” it’s a funny story actually,
#raii talks a lot#goddddd i don’t like one thing about this person#literally she’s a nightmare#a couple classes ago we were doing this running activity and i stupidly thought “oh i’ll do it till i can’t” because Leg Fucked Up#and i got across the gym once and then i had to sit down because it went numb and i’m not risking breaking or tearing at All#and she just kept. calling at me like “oh get up get up yadada participate” to the point i had to go “IM DISABLED” at her#and then she got all awkward but like. what’s it to you that i’m not doing this maybe use that thing in your head perhaps#and then she says that to me today….. “raii how do you do it” i didn’t know what to say and there were too many people for me#to comfortably go “ive been physically unable to since i was a sophomore.” so i just said “well you know how it is” and didn’t follow up#she’s soooooo irritating hope she explodes. i don’t have to tell her anythinggggggg but sometimes i want to because she looked so disturbed
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