#though there are those closest to me who will always see me as a caterpillar
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soap-is-an-artist · 2 months ago
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This is hitting different at 1 in the morning. I'm trying to deflect with humor, but this is so accurate that it hurts.
i think i'm a trans guy. i wish i wasn't. i keep telling myself that i'm anything but that. that i'm non binary or demigirl or agender or that i just don't care about gender because it's made up anyway but i think really i do care, i care so much and i feel like i shouldn't care as much as i do and i should be what is expected of me, i should be a pretty girl but i'm not i don't want to be, i can't be, i've tried, i have tried so so hard to be a girl or anything other than a guy but i know if i was given the chance i would give anything to be born a boy. i know if i was born a boy i would just be a boy. i have recognised this in myself for years but i just can not fully accept it, but i so desperately want to. the tv has never glowed brighter and i have never craved darkness more before.
its okay to feel that way. when i figured out i was a trans guy i was practically clawing my skin off because i wanted to be anything but that. i thought it was a terrible thing, because i would never become a real man, or people would always see me as a tranny and nothing more. i was very depressed thinking about how hard transitioning would be, and how i may never pass or get people to address me correctly
there's a sort of grieving period at first when you realize you're trans. you grieve for the person you were, and still are. you are taking the first steps toward moving forward, which involves allowing yourself to feel grief for what you're about to leave behind. you could or should just be a pretty girl, but that's just not you. you're grieving that girl, and it's okay to do so. it's part of the process of letting go
take care of yourself, feel free to stop by again at any point. you're not alone, this is a very normal experience to have
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obeymeluv · 5 years ago
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The Bros Visit the Human World
︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵ 
You bring the bros to the human world for a little get-away and they develop some interesting habits.
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Lucifer
He’s the restless one that doesn’t sleep well. It takes a night or two to get comfortable and sleep normally.
Lucifer will probably be the first one up. Not only out of habit, but you’re in the human world so he’ll see the sun again
Being away from Diavolo and the responsibilities actually makes him seem like a stranger. Everyone forgets who he is outside of that because he’s so dedicated.
If you’re around a lot of nature, he’ll just casually stroll around. Almost like he’s forgotten what grass, trees, and flowers look like. He loves to spend time in the sun and just breathe the air.
Have pets? He’s partial to cats and well-behaved dogs.
Surprisingly, he’ll be the type to chase birds off of anything half-wounded or put birds back into their nests
At some point you’ll find him on the roof, wings out and sunning
Take him to livestock stores or somewhere like Tractor Supply Co. and he’ll be super tempted to smuggle a baby chick out in his pocket.
Loathes most human TV. Can’t bring himself to be interested until you bust out bible-history related documentaries. If he finds one he’ll take control of the TV, watch it all, and rip it to pieces.
Kind of develops a complex about it. “What would these humans know?! They’ve only been around for, what, forty years? Try five thousand!”
Take him by the coffee shops or smoothie shops to try decadent treats! He secretly likes them!
Mammon
Sleeps easier than Lucifer but has a tough time because the noises are different
If you have an open field or bigger back yard, his favorite thing to do is stand there and watch birds come to him. It surprises him that he can summon more than crows
Boy will definitely throw on a sunhat (or some cool glasses) and ask you what you feed birds around your place. Stands out in your yard throwing bird seed like the birds are starving and he’s got a million bags.
The type to fight squirrels and chase them out of your yard or away from feeders because “It’s not FOR you!”
If you live somewhere more laid-back he’ll feel very restless. He’s drawn to bigger, busier places.
IMMEDIATELY asks you about restaurants and things to do (”What’cha got? What’s good? Anything fun around here?”)
Gets super frustrated by shows like Storage Wars but it eerily good at appraising the value of stuff at a glance. Often guesses the real value of the objects
Show him Antique Roadshow. He’ll LOSE. HIS. SHIT.
He’ll ask to go by places like pawn shops and jewelers to just look at the different things humans trade or want to save up for. Can probably get discounts on the stuff.
Bring this guy when shopping for jewelry. He has an innate gift for appraising and can see flaws. He knows when you’re being played.
Want to be a little mean? Get those chocolate treasure chest coins and give one to Beel first. Mammon might just have a heart attack.
Definitely goes on a rant about how making chocolate money is wrong. (”Why make a currency you can’t spend?!”)
Make the visit special by getting some type of matching jewelry--earrings, rings, necklaces--and he’ll wear it around.
Take him by pet stores where they’ll let the birds out of cages, he’ll make kissy noises and love on all of them. Will definitely try to smuggle one out.
He’ll spend whole days in parks when he realizes you can park it on a bench and feed birds. Birds that don’t always get food!
Don’t show him water fountains. He doesn’t get the concept of people tossing coins in and will definitely try to take them by posing as a cleaner or something
Taking him by a museum is a 50/50 gamble. He’s genuinely interested in the displays and setup but might try to steal something   
Do you have a way to watch The Road to El Dorado? Show it to Mammon. He’ll love it.
Leviathan
Unless you live by some cute cafes, comic book stores, or video game retailers he probably won’t do much on his visit
Do you have a pool? He changed his mind. Might gripe about the chlorine messing with his skin though.
If you only have access to a community pool he refuses to do anything with it
Take him to the beach if you live near one. He’ll ALWAYS go for ocean water!
Because the Devildom is the Devildom, I bet they don’t have Ghibli movies. Maybe they have knock-offs, or they’re considered rare because they’re human world related, but have a Ghibli marathon with him! He’ll love it! It won’t be Ruri-chan levels of love, but he’ll stan and want to buy some stuff
Can you make boba tea at home or swing by a coffee shop that makes a close substitute? Take him! He’ll like it! Levi may complain about it not being authentic but he’ll secretly appreciate it
He likes savory food and junk food so take him by a dollar store and get some cheap chips and sodas. It’ll be interesting to try. Maybe he can make a Deviltube video about trying human food!
Levi also strikes me as someone who would like nachos, so maybe grab him some nachos!
Do they know about the Doritos and Mountain Dew thing in the Devildom? He might want those. (”Look, I’m like the human gamers!”)
Levi runs a little colder than his brothers (by Devildom standards) so take him around to feel on blankets and maybe get one to take back to the Devildom.
Satan
Has a great love for books (obviously) and a great disdain for Devildom bookstores that charge an arm and a leg for human finds. TAKE HIM BY BOOKSTORES AND LET HIM LIVE IN HIS NATURAL ENVIRONMENT!
The type to bring an extra suitcase just for books
Is actually quite a homebody because he has no connections in the human world (besides you), so he’s fine to sit and read his new finds.
Do you have books at home? What are your favorites? He’ll read them, too, while he’s here
Show him some kind of crime channel or crime YouTuber and he’s 100% obsessed. Binges them like Netflix
Will wave you over and demand you sit, tangling your legs together as you lean back and speculate on who the murder is and what happens since most of those TV episodes are an hour long
Loves anything psychological-based. Wants to understand why people do things and how they work. Show things like Criminal Minds and Mind Games. He’ll be SUPER interested.
Do you have cats? You’ll see Satan whispering them and holding them against his shoulder. He’s in love and might be planning to steal your cat.
Taking him by animal shelters makes him a little sad but he’ll be glad to play with all the cats at one time.
Don’t tell him that, to most humans, Lucifer and Satan are the same figure in the Bible. He just might lose his shit.
Does your town have history/mystery tours? Take him! It’s a two-in-one and he loves it! History and culture, mystery and crime!
Show Satan Cinderella. He’ll get the BIGGEST laugh out of the cat being called Lucifer.
Asmodeus
Like Mammon, will ask you about aesthetic places and things to do
In a rare moment of not hating Mammon, the two will gossip at the jewelry stores and be really critical. Mammon stops Asmo from making bad purchases
Show him around some makeup stores! He’d LOVE to see human products!
If you take him by ANY store with clothes, he will look, pick, feel, analyze, and try things on for the hell of it. It will be an all-day thing
Human fashion takes off more than he expected on the Devilgram, so he’ll buy a few things.
When he realizes makeup stores give free makeovers, he’ll use that to his advantage. Especially by charming people
Goes on a small kick of charming people to get what he wants because Lucifer only ever told him he couldn’t do it to YOU. It’s a new level of fawning and attention and he eats it up
If he sees a cute Starbucks drink on TV, he wants it.
If you show him Pinterest or Instagram, he’s glued to a device and saving things.
By the time everyone goes back to the Devildom he has a tiny notebook full of ideas and details--ways to recreate it in the Devildom
Gets several modeling offers and you (or one of the bros) has to pull him away, It’s not happening.
Unexpectedly into unboxing videos and calligraphy. Lives for pretty hand writing and is fascinated by bullet journaling even though he’s too lazy to maintain one
Show him soap operas/dramas and celebrity entertainment channels. He won’t know what to believe.
If he sees shows like Jerry Springer, Maury, Jeremy Kyle, or Judge Judy he live-streams them like ‘can you believe what crazy things happen in the human world?!’
Beelzebub
The dollar store is his heaven! ALL THIS FOOD FOR A DOLLAR?!
I personally think that human food is less calorically dense so he’ll need to eat a lot. Take him by fast food places that have cheap dollar menus or five dollar deals
If you go to a restaurant with a ‘finish in ‘x’ amount of a minutes and it’s free!’ do it. He’ll set a record
Beel learns about all you can eat buffets and gives you puppy eyes until you take him to one. At least you’ll get your money’s worth!
Don’t take him by a real grocery store. He’ll bankrupt you. Or eat all the free samples.
He’s interested in cooking shows but if he watches them you’ll have to clean up a lot of drool, give him something to eat while he’s watching, or stop him from absently grabbing the closest thing and trying to eat it
Is super into renovation shows and technical shows where people work with their hands. It’s like sports of the mind.
Not as interested in watching American football because he’ll critique it too much. Any other sport, he’ll find it interesting and want to know how it works.
Show him old Olympic footage. He’s surprised at the variety of sports and will watch the whole thing
Will also enjoy Ghibli movies. How do they make food look like that?!
This boy is a Disney princess in a demon body. If he sees any critters while he’s out and about (ANY), he’ll want to try and feed it or pet it
Bugs are drawn to him. He especially likes caterpillars and butterflies.
Beel likes to hunt for ladybugs.
Likes to “donate” to ant hills and watch them work,
Likes to watch nature documentaries about different animals
If you take him to the zoo, he’ll marvel at the different animals. Wants to wrestle a tiger and the bigger animals to see if he’ll win. It looks “fun.”
Belphegor
When he hears about mattress stores, that’s his thing. That’s what he wants you to do together. Belphie will literally lay on as many mattresses as possible and judge them
He may not have a hard time sleeping as long as he has his favorite pillow, but, for kicks, show him ASMR. Beel’s not the only one who drools!
Will definitely fall asleep outside in the sun. Any place is a good place for a nap, and to look up and see clouds is special
Spend a night outside under the human sky. It’s constellations and things he only ever gets to see in the star room
Will watch just about anything on TV. He’ll say he doesn’t have a preference but he likes those happy, soft movies that have gentle endings where everything turns out okay. Actually cries a little.
If he learns what Snorlax is from Pokemon, he’ll want one. A big Snorlax plushy to cuddle and sleep on/with!
If he hears the word “demon” uttered on TV he’s instantly hooked. What stupid thing do these humans think? THAT’S their version of a demon?!
Can you take him to see real cows? He’d really like that.
The type to make flower chains in the grass because he’s bored. Gives his first one to Beel and falls asleep before he can make another one.
Loves milkshakes unironically. Will slink out of bed and come along on any errands/brother outings if he can get one out of you.
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descendantofthesparrow · 4 years ago
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Commission work - Harry Hook x Darling! Reader - two parter - unpredictably adorable - part 2
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commissioner @thebookbakery​
=
Since you were a child, your mind was constantly overthinking, every single possibility, good or bad, bombarding your mind about everything and nothing at the same time.
-what if I never live up to my mom's expectations-
-if I don’t pass this test everyone will hate me-
-they aren’t really my friend; they just feel sorry for me-
-I need to shut up I’m talking to much-
-they are ignoring me; they must hate me-
-everyone is faking-
-if I’m not careful I'll cut my finger and then I'll have to get surgery to remove my hand because I was too careless-
Yeah…it got tiring after a while.
Everything made sense when you were 10 and were finally diagnosed with anxiety, everything got a little bit easier to deal with after that, one of your tactics was just pretending your best friend Piper was talking you down
-I forgot to turn off the oven, and I’m going to burn my mom's house down, and I’m going to go to jail and-
‘no, you didn’t, you always check every single time, twice, you turned it off, now shut up before I smack you, I’m trying to eat this churro.’
It always loomed in the back of your mind, though hanging out with your closest friends did deafen the noise a bit, but it was always there.
You had little toys to help you focus but you were always looked at oddly when you had a little cube with millions of buttons on it so once again, your anxiety won out and you picked at your fingers, bit your lip, rubbed the fabric of your clothes between your fingers, and sometimes dug your nail into your thumb to distract yourself from your own brain.
Crushes, were one of your ultimate weakness, even the thought of someone you had a crush on sent you into a spiral, your brain would tell you they didn’t even know you existed, that they hated you and faking being nice, that your crush would never go anywhere.
Now you only had two crushes your whole life.
One from when you were little, Piper, but that didn’t last long (After you saw her eat a caterpillar bleh) and EX-prince Ben himself, that one had lasted a whole two years, and while you had been his friend before your crush grew, that didn’t stop your brain from shoving those random piercing thoughts into you.
And now, there was another one.
Harry, freaking, Hook. Son of Captain Hook himself, the villain of your mother's story.
And he was the sweetest thing you had ever encountered, you gushed to jane about his little nose scrunched when he grinned, how his tongue poked out of his lips slightly when he concentrated, when he fluffed up his already floofy hair when he was frustrated.
It was just all too much for your anxious little self,  it took all your might to keep yourself from bolting away from the handsome pirate.
You sighed, splashing cold water against your face and blindly grabbing for your towel and patting your face dry. You felt your face heat up as you thought back to the day before, in study hall, when Harry ever so gently placed his thumb on your chin to stop you from chewing on your lip.
You let out a long sigh/squeak as you grabbed your bathroom counter and sunk down into a squat, puffing your cheeks as you tried to calm yourself down. “I’m so doomed” you muttered to yourself, this crush on Harry was worse than the one on Piper OR Ben.
With the two aforementioned crushes, you never imagined it going any farther than dating, so imagine your internal embarrassment when one day you realized you were daydreaming about being buried into Harry's side as you slept in on a weekend in your very own place, living together with three dogs and two cats, and four birds, with two guest rooms specifically for Uma and Gil.
It was nice to dream about but once the dark shadow that was your anxiety reared its ugly head and whispered horrid thoughts about Harry’s “true” feelings about you, it was harder to enjoy your daydreams.
-he’s just using me to get revenge~-
-he’s just like his father, a filthy, cheating pirate-
-he’s faking everything-
-he flirts with everyone; I am nothing special-
You knew it was all bullcrap, even your own mother had met harry (at her request) and happily told you that he was nothing like his dad, and one of the sweetest boys she had ever met, even piper and Peter themselves, liked harry.
But like always, your brain never liked to listen to others and always took a darker train of thought.
You shook your head out of thought and stood, walking back into your room and grabbing your bag, slinging it over your shoulder and grabbing your keys, slipping out of your dorm room and locking it behind you, checking twice to ease your mind.
“hey (y/n)” you flinched as you spun around, letting out a sharp sigh as you realized Uma was the one to call out to you, she rose her brow, a small smirk on her face “sorry, thought you heard me walk up to you”
“you-you’re fine” you smiled back, huffing as the girl tossed her arm over your shoulder and started walking with you to the cafeteria.
“hear the rumor that Mrs.Popin is pop quizzing us in algebra today?”
“she is?” you asked, calm as could be on the outside, but once again your mind started running
-what if it's something we haven’t covered yet? Or what if I wasn’t paying attention to the subject?! What if I accidentally check the wrong one! What if-
Uma tugged you into the seat next to her, picking up a clementine and peeling it open, offering you a slice, shrugging as you declined “suit yourself, yeah, I’m wondering how Harrys gonna do, with his problem with numbers after all”
“oh right, his dyscalculia” you muttered, mind now running wild worrying for harry. “I think he’ll be fine, Mrs.Popin is lenient with him, and she lets all of us take the tests over and over again until we get a passing grade”
“yeah” Uma hummed, chewing on another slice “waffles or pancakes today?”
“I heard It’ was French toast~” Harry purred, plopping down next to you and leaning into your space once again, setting your face on fire and cutting off your voice as usual. “you okay (y/n)?” you whipped around to look at Harry with wide eyes, that….that was the first time he had ever called you by your name, it was always your last name.
“I-yes?” you shrugged, looking down at the table and picking at it “I’m fine”
Harry just hummed and leaned away from you, starting a conversation with Uma about the upcoming math quiz.
Your mind whirled as you processed the fact that he called you by your first name. but thankfully it never went anywhere as the bell for breakfast being served rang throughout the room. Uma tapped your arm, hurrying you to the line to grab the hot and ready food before it was gone.
You grabbed your preferred bread and usual toppings, sighing happily as you noticed your favorite drink was in stock this morning. You grabbed the bottle and tossed in on your tray, following after Uma as she went down the sides line, grabbing a handful of bacon for herself.
After dodging the oncoming breakfast crowd, you, Harry, Gil, and Uma finally settled back at your table. Evie, Jane, and Dizzy joining you moments later “morning~” Jane sang, poking your cheek with a ‘boop’ and starting to eat her breakfast. “oh (y/n), the planning committee is needed in the gym later today, about prom n stuff”
“kay” you muttered, quickly going through your slices of French toast and gulping down your drink “still don’t know how I got roped into the planning committee in the first place” you laughed to yourself, you hardly spoke during the meetings, you were more the errand girl and the one who wrote down what needed to happen as everyone else actually planned.
Jane giggled and patted your shoulder, turning her attention back to the conversation of the table, to which you weren’t bothering to pay attention to.
You dug into your bag and pulled out your notebook, going over your previous notes for math to prepare for the quiz later that day.
Sometimes Jane and Harry would bump into you randomly, Harry's fingers brushing your arm when he would reach for something across the table, you did your best to keep the heat from your face.
At some point harry gently probed your shoulder, making you squeak from surprise, unexpecting of the touch as you looked to harry with wide eyes. He gave a soft smile and nodded towards the doors “bell rung for class darlin’, don’t want yeh ta be late” you quickly stood, yelping as your knee bashed against the table.
“ooow” you bent over slightly, palming your knee as you felt the pain bloom across it. “shit”
“wow” Harry chuckled, grabbing your bags and slinging them over his shoulder “never heard yeh swear before darlin’, come on, ill escort yeh” he placed his hand on the small of your back, and lead you toward your first class.
While you appreciated Harry's chivalry, your mind….was not helping.
-everyone is staring at me-
-they are going to think it's odd he has his hand on me-
-everyone is staring at us-
-everyone is going to think it’s weird that Harry is around me-
-EVERYONE IS STAR-
“here we are” Harry thankfully interrupted your train of thought as he handed you back your bag and gestured to your English class “I’ll see yeh later darlin’” he winked at you and strut away, leaving you with your usual burning face and fidgeting fingers.
You sighed, walking into class and hurrying to your seat, ignoring the imaginative eyes on you as you took out your notebook.
-
The sound of your pen quickly tapping on your clipboard was the only thing that kept you from screaming at everyone.
It was just…too…loud…so many voices at once, all speaking at different volumes and all needing different things, many of them speaking at you, all too much for you to handle.
You gave one look at jane and she nodded, taking your clipboard and walking into the crowd of planners, distracting them as you exited the gym, heading for your room to calm down.
You rubbed your chest and focused on controlled breathing. Everything felt so tight, like something was sitting on your chest as you walked through the halls, fingers gripping your skirt to ground yourself.
You stumbled a bit as a barrage of screaming hit you, you tuned a bit, seeing two of your classmates that you never bothered to learn the names of screaming at each other in the hallway.
Your ears began to ring as you stared at them, unable to continue onto your room. one of the boys looked away from his friend, glaring right at you. “OI WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN AT!” he screamed, hands balling into fists as he seemed to look into your soul.
You let out a breathless squeak, bolting down the hall, sliding as you took a quick corner and continued to run where ever.
Your original destination was lost, mind yelling at you to hide.
-THEY ARE FOLLOWING ME-
-HIDE-
-THEY ARE GOING TO HURT ME-
-HIDE-
-IM GOING TO DIE-
-HIDE-
You gasped for breath, letting a scream as you slammed into a wall that wasn’t there a moment ago, you slid down to your side, curling up into a ball and letting out choked sobs as the world went dark around you.
You could feel yourself passing out but you couldn’t get a grip on yourself.
You were having a panic attack but you couldn’t do a thing to make it go away, whenever they happened one of your friends was always there to ground you, always helping you come back down to earth.
You couldn’t breathe, air only leaving you as you gasped. Through the ringing in your ears, you heard a voice, but you couldn’t recognize it as whoever it was grabbed onto your shoulders and tried to lift you up.
You felt yourself screech and lash out, your fist hitting something almost solid, whoever it was didn’t flinch and trailed their hands down your arms, grabbing gently onto your hands.
“hey-hey” they whispered, breaking through the chaos of your mind “hey, it's okay, you’re okay. nothings here. you’re safe. no one’s going ta hurt yeh”
You forced your eyes open, and through your blurry visions you saw Harry staring back at you with a soft smile “hey darlin’ can yeh breathe with meh?” you tried to speak but a sob ripped through your throat, you moved forward, crashing into Harry's chest and wrapping your arms around his torso. “hey hey, breathe, in-“ you felt his chest rise, and you swallowed down another sob and took a wobbly breath.
Harry continued to calm you down, soon your breath synchronizing with his “yer doin’ amazing darlin’ now, give me five things yeh can see”
You pulled back slightly from his chest, sniffing as you glanced around “um- locker, window,” a light sob choked you, but Harry just rubbed your back and continued to take deep breathes for you to follow. You glanced down slightly, seeing Harry’s red leather jacket against your shoulder “your jacket, my-my bag, and-and-the school symbol”
“good” Harry cooed, hand running up your back and fingers slipping through your hair, fingers scratching at your scalp comfortably “now name four things yeh can touch”
You looked around again, slowly feeling your body relax, and letting your headrest completely against Harry's chest “wa-water fountain, door handle, vending machine, um-jacket” Harry chuckled at the last one, but nodded.
“amazing love, name three things yeh can hear” you closed your eyes, your lip twitching as you felt your head bump up for a moment.
“your heart” you whispered, not hearing Harrys breath hitch “birds, static”
“a-awesome” Harry sighed, shifting to sit against the wall and pulling you up further into his arms “now, two things yeh can smell”
“metal and leather” you whispered, feeling the grips of the panic attack leaving your body, mentally thanking the gods that Harry had found you.
“good, now, one thing yeh can taste”
You pushed away from Harry’s chest, opening your eyes again and looking around “um-oh! Cookies!” you chirped, leaning up a little as you spotted a bag of Oreos inside the vending machine across the hall.
“amazing job lass, are yeh okay now?” you took a deep breath and looked back at Harry, giving him a tired smile.
“better but” you could still feel the tightness in your chest and your limbs felt like lead “thank you….could you help me to my room? I’m really tired and I need to take a break from everything for a bit”
“of course,” Harry nodded, helping to your feet and grabbing your bag and slinging it over his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around your waist and pulled you into his side, letting you take your pace as he helped you to your room.
He glared at anyone you passed by, tightening his grip on your waist and even snapping his teeth at Chad as he sneered at you and Harry together. You were too tired to pay attention to anything though, sighing in relief as your room appeared around the corner. Harry dug your key from your bag and quickly unlocked your room, holding onto your hand tightly as you walked into your room and towards your bed.
He released your hand as your knees hit the edge of your bed and you flopped onto the sheets, blowing out a harsh breath as he ruffled his hair.
“so yeh all good?” he asked again, tilting his head at you, you lifted your head and gave a small nod.
“I will be, thank you, Harry”
He gave a grin and walked over to you, kneeling beside your bed “I've got yer back darlin’ get some rest, and I’ll get yer homework from our classes kay?”
“okay” you whispered, flopping your head back on your bed, feeling your face heat up again as Harry leaned over and pressed a kiss to your head “um-Harry?”
“well talk about it when yer right of head love, see yeh later” he stood and walked out of the room, locking your door and tossing the key on your dresser. He smiled at you and closed the door, his heavy footsteps quickly walking away from your room.
You pressed your fingers gently to the place Harry's lips were moments ago, feeling the heat in your face reaching your ears and stretching down your neck.
‘was-he-a kiss?’ you thought, sitting up and staring at the door. ‘he-wow’
You stared at the door for a moment longer before you kicked off your shoes and just crawled under your covers, smiling as you thought back to his kind words and soft lips.
You closed your eyes and took a couple of deep breaths, forcing down the thoughts that said Harry was only being friendly, you could bear to let yourself dream for a bit.
-
Harry sighed, flipping through the multiple sheets of homework he held in his hands, pursing his lips as he thought back to (y/n), something had set her off to have such an intense panic attack. He was just glad he knew how to calm someone down from it after helping the smee twins through them after so many years.
He looked to his right as Jane passed by him, he reached out grabbing her shoulder, she jumped slightly, looking at him with wide eyes.
“uh, hey Harry? What's up?”
“I came across (y/n) havin’ a panic attack like-two hours ago? Any idea-woah!” Jane’s eyes widened and she grabbed onto his shirt.
“what?! Is she okay? Did-“ Harry quickly covered the girl's mouth.
“she’s fine Jane, she’s in ‘er room now restin’ I just wanted to know if this is a recurring thing or that was the first time it happened”
“recurring” Jane sighed, wrenching Harry's hand from her mouth “she has an anxiety disorder, that’s why she's always so quiet, doesn’t like to draw attention to herself and all that”
Harry furrowed his brows, fixing his bag on his shoulder “ah, is that why she’s all blushy ‘round me then? All those thoughts goin’ wild n stuff?”
“nah” Jane waved her hand nonchalantly “She's just crushing on you….oop didn’t mean to say that!” Jane looked back at him with wide eyes.
A small smile grew on Harry's face “she-she has a crush on meh?”
“I-uh-fudge, yes” Jane sighed, slapping her palm against her forehead “dangit she told me about it in confidence and I just blurt it out like tha-wait!” Harry patted Jane's shoulder with a chuckle and pushed her aside a bit.
“Thanks, Jane~ I gotta go!” Harry took off towards leaving a confused Jane in the hall.
“wait what are you going to do!” Jane yelled, huffing as no response came back “…OH!” Jane squealed, hopping in place. Harry liked (y/n) back! Ohhhh this was going to be so cute!
She had to tell the VK girls, Evie and Dizzy would die!
-
You sighed, smoothing down the front of your oversized hoodie and further curling into a ball on your bed, sporadically clicking the attack button on your gaming device as you fought one of the hardest mini-bosses of the game.
“come one-, die you-gah!” you seethed, cursing as your weapon broke “again?! goddammit!”
“I have’ta say, it’s weird to hear yeh curse darlin’” you screeched, halfway tossing your switch across the room, the device bouncing off your bed and landing on the pile of pillows on the floor.
You looked towards your door, pressing a hand to your chest as you let out a long sigh “Harry! Geez I’m still calming down from earlier, don’t barge in like that!”
Harry winced, closing the door behind him “sorry love, I brought yer homework and some food fer yeh” he held up his bag and a white plastic bag holding a box of food.
“oh” you felt your face heat up as he stepped closer to your bed “thank you”
“no problem darlin’” he purred, setting the bag of food next to you and tossing his bag on your desk. “so~” he started, leaning closer to you with a sly smirk on his face “I heard something really~ interesting on meh way here~”
You rose your brow and flipped open the box of food, humming at the still steaming (preferred lunch).
“little Janey said yer crushin on meh~” your entire body stopped, it felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on you “and before yeh freak out with all those thoughts yeh get” he leaned up, pressing a soft kiss to your cheek “it's not one-sided darlin’ “
You felt your brain short circuit, unable to think ANYTHING as you stared at harry. He chuckled softly and gave you a toothy smirk, his eyes crinkling as he looked at you like he never had before. “Cat got yer tongue love?.I’ll let yeh process it all, but just know, I do like yeh back, and I would jump off a cliff sooner than hurt yeh….” He kissed your cheek again and stood, stopping as you suddenly reached out and grabbed his arm.
“um-I-, I just wanted to say it myself” you muttered, tugging him back down to your side “I-I-I” you stuttered, feeling your face heat up as harry smiled at you with that adorable crinkled nose “ilikeyou” you gasped, grabbing his collar and pulling him towards you, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek and quickly falling back on your bed, pulling your pillow over your face and screeching into it.
Harry just chuckled and patted your knee “like yeh too darlin’ I’ll see yeh later love, okay?”
You just let out some sort of garbled response into your pillow. “okay, text me if yeh want me ta bring yeh dinner” he quickly took his back, emptied your homework from it, and left the room, locking the door behind him.
You let out a huff as you chucked your pillow at the wall, feeling a grin blooming on your face. You squealed, patting your cheeks to try to make the heat escape from it.
“he likes me back” you breathed, giggled erupting from your chest “he likes me back!!!!!” fits of laughter overtook you as you wiggled happily in your bed “he likes me!!!!”
Harry bit his lip to hide his grin as he listened to your mini-celebration “She's so adorable” he chuckled, fixing his bag and walking off, whistling a little tune as he did so.
-end-
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waveypedia · 3 years ago
Text
Sunny Afternoon
Rymin Week Day 1: Childhood
2 4 5 6 7
Ao3
~
Ryan’s older sisters (before they deemed themselves too old and cool to talk to their little brother and the friend that was always attached at his hip) claimed making shapes out of clouds is a childhood rite of passage. Lying in the grass on a sunny afternoon, belly aching with laughter, Min finds he’s inclined to agree with them.
He and Ryan lie flat on their backs, the wild grass tickling their exposed cheeks and ankles, hands intertwined between them. Fluffy white clouds float slowly through the blue sky, breezing gently past as Ryan and Min shape them into characters and tales. The air is rife with the joyous, infectious laughter that accompanies such a comfortable spring afternoon.
Ryan raises his free arm, pointing. “That one looks like a guitar.”
“You think every cloud looks like a guitar,” Min chuckles good-naturedly. “Have some creativity.”
“Hey, I’m only telling you what I see,” Ryan retorts, grinning. “Maybe it’s a sign. Maybe the universe is trying to tell us my parents should buy me a guitar.”
Min huffs out a laugh. “I’m not the one you need to convince.”
“Hmm.” Ryan turns away, gazing at the sky. “It’ll happen someday, though. I’m gonna get a guitar, and you’ll play your mini-synth, and we’ll perform concerts together!”
Min glances to the side, where, in his bag is abandoned next to Ryan’s, his mini-synth waits. “Until then, you can always sing,” he offers.”
“Pfft, I’ll sing anyway,” Ryan says, waving a hand, carefree and exuberant. “I just want to play as soon as possible.”
Min reclines, tucking his elbows behind his head. “You’ll get it eventually. You never give up when you set your mind to something.”
Ryan glances away, the slightest hint of pink tinging his cheeks. “But you’ll help me convince my parents, won’t you? They like you.”
“I’ll do my best,” Min promises, the epitome of seriousness. “We should work out a business plan.”
Ryan rolls over to face Min, propping his head up on the palm of his hand. “Like what? I’m just gonna… play the guitar.”
“Like what your practice schedule will be, and how you’ll take care of it,” Min says, tapping his fingers. “That’s what my parents had me do for viola.”
“I’m just gonna practice all the time,” Ryan promises seriously. “I’ll become a master at guitar.”
“You’ll need to be a bit more specific,” Min warns. “But I’ll help you with that. When we’re done, you’ll stand a much better chance!”
“Thanks, Min!” Ryan rolls over to tackle his best friend in a hug. Startled, Min lets out a squawk of surprise and rolls away, shaking with quiet laughter. Ryan wraps his arms around Min and starts tickling his sides, which only makes him laugh harder. “You’re the best!”
“You’re the worst,” Min wheezes out between peals of involuntary laughter. He finally shakes Ryan off and rolls away, crouching with his fingers wiggling threateningly.
Ryan backs up and pulls himself into a kneeling position, defensive except for his face-splitting grin. As always, he’s the first in motion, leaping towards Min with his hands outstretched and a face rife with amusement. Min rolls with him, laughing.
They tussle for a few minutes, giggling like the schoolchildren they are, until Min accidentally knocks Ryan’s glasses off of his head. They slip away from each other while Ryan finds his glasses and Min stands up to brush strands of grass off his clothes. Inexplicably, Min finds himself missing the warmth of Ryan’s easy, thoughtless touches.
The moment is over as soon as it began, with Ryan grinning at him behind his newly repositioned glasses. Min forgets the thought as soon as Ryan scoots over to him and lies down at his side, attention once again drawn to the sky. Min sits down, engrossed with his friend and their game.
Ryan turns to him with a toothy grin. “Well, Min? It’s your turn. Do you see any good clouds?”
“Hm.” Min leans back, resting his weight on his wrists. His fingers subconsciously knot among the strands of grass. After a moment of deliberation, he raises a hand. “That one looks like a bell, don’t you think?”
Ryan twists to see where Min’s pointing. “A bell? I don’t see it.”
“Like the kinds you find at hotels,” Min explains. “A… concierge bell, I think they’re called?”
Ryan scrunches up his nose, deep in thought. “Oh, yeah! I guess it kind of does.” He flops down on his back and scrutinizes the remaining clouds. “Huh, I think that one looks like a cat.”
Min smiles gently, content. “Yeah, I think you’re right.” He breaks out into a giggle. “And that one looks like a giant caterpillar!”
“Heh, cat, caterpillar,” Ryan chuckles. “Maybe the cat will eat the caterpillar!”
Min rolls his eyes good-naturedly. “Hey, use your eyes. The caterpillar cloud is way bigger than the cat cloud.”
“So?” Ryan hums, crossing his arms with mirthful petulance. “All that means is the cat is the underdog. I bet they could do it if they tried.”
Min snorts. “That’s pretty unrealistic, but I guess so is a caterpillar bigger than a cat.”
“Yes!” Ryan pumps his fist up and down with far too much enthusiasm than the situation requires, but Min only finds it endearing. Ryan laughs with euphoria, and Min finds himself giggling along. Ryan’s laugh has always been infectious.
“Fine, you win,” Min says with faux petulance, letting his back slide back down onto the grass. “Like this would ever happen in real life.”
Ryan grins. “It would be a great album concept.”
“Maybe,” Min hums. “You should start writing those down for when we can produce albums.”
“You say that like I don’t already have a notebook filled with song lyrics,” Ryan hmphs, crossing his arms. “Please, Min! It’s like you don’t know me at all.”
Min snorts. “But are they any good?”
“Maaaaaaaaybe,” Ryan sing-songs, turning to face Min with a mischievous grin. “You’ll just have to read them.”
Min beams. “As soon as you’ll show them to me.”
Ryan laughs in triumph and jumps up, running up and down the hill. His loose jacket flutters behind him in the wind like a cinematic cape. From his place on the ground, Min watches him fondly, smiling.
After they’re all tuckered out, Min and Ryan retreat to the top of the hill. The afternoon is slipping away, and the first hints of sunset’s gold are starting to bleed into the sky. The clouds they so excitedly played with, once a puffy white, darken into greys and oranges and pinks.
Ryan and Min sit shoulder to shoulder, their knees pulled up to their chests, to watch the sunset. The sun glows a brilliant golden, illuminating the sky in peals of pink and orange.
It’s beautiful, that much is undeniable. Min has always loved the soft, gradual fade of day into night and night into day.
He likes them all the more for how many sunsets he’s watched with Ryan. Ryan has always loved watching the explosion of vibrant colors across the sky. He and Ryan have watched countless sunsets together, at the end of their playdates and joint family outings. They always make an effort to find each other as the sun goes down.
Without realizing it, Min breaks his gaze from the sunset to Ryan’s face. His soft skin is illuminated with the fiery glow of the sun, fading yet incandescent. Ryan’s lips are slightly parted in an expression of wonder Min is all too familiar with, and his eyes are similarly wide and shining. It never goes away when watching the sunset, even after every one of their ten years.
Ryan is beautiful, Min realizes. He always wears his heart on his sleeve, but here, enraptured by the beauty of nature and in the company of his closest friend, he’s open in a way he rarely lets himself be. Min could bask in their companionship forever, and let the coveted sunset slip by.
Ryan suddenly glances back at Min. The moment is broken, except it still feels just as comfortable and awe-inspiring as it did before Ryan noticed him. Ryan offers him a small smile, and Min returns it in kind.
After a moment, they both return to watching the sunset, but they lean closer. Their shoulders brush.
“We need to go home soon,” Min says softly, not taking his eyes off of the setting sun. “It’s almost dinnertime.”
Ryan hums discontentedly and drops his head onto Min’s shoulder. Min’s face heats up, although he’s not sure why.
“Awwwww, Miiiiiiiin,” Ryan groans, half-jokingly. “Can’t we stay out here a little longer?”
Min hesitates for a moment, then sighs, standing up and brushing bits of grass and dirt off of his pants. “No, sorry. As cool as that would be… you know how my parents get.”
“Yeah, I do.” Ryan shakes his head, half to himself, then forces a laugh. “I love going to dinner at your house, Min. Your parents are so nice!” Min shakes his head, laughing. “Yeah, well, your family is always so fun and energetic. It’s rad!”
“Haha, yeah.” Ryan turns away. “I’m sure my parents will be happy to have you over for dinner.”
Min turns and offers a hand to Ryan, who gratefully takes it and lets Min pull him to his feet with a grunt. “Same with mine. It’s so nice that our families are such good friends.”
Ryan smiles. “Yeah! It’s like we were  made to be best friends! Just like we were made to be musicians together!”
Min’s responding smile is soft and affectionate. “I’m sure we would have found each other eventually.”
“Yeah, but we wouldn’t have known each other  now ,” Ryan rebukes. His serious expression softens into something fond. “I like spending time with you now.”
Min grins back. “Me too.” He offers Ryan his hand, and his friend gleefully takes it without a second thought. Their hands are grubby and dirty from playing in the grass all afternoon, but neither seem to mind.
The walk back to their houses (well, Ryan’s house, since it’s closer) is spent mostly in comfortable silence. Min and Ryan are chattiest in each other’s company (which is saying something, since Ryan’s fairly talkative on his quietest days) but occasionally they lapse into a silent rhythm, fully enjoying each other’s presence.
At the edge of Ryan’s house, Ryan gives Min a quick, tight hug, too fast for Min to really process it before it’s over. Ryan peels away and sprints down his driveway, turning to wave enthusiastically to Min and nearly tripping over a potted plant in his haste.
Min giggles and waves back. For some reason, after the door shuts and Ryan’s disappeared from view, he lingers at the foot of Ryan’s driveway. His hands rest in his pockets, with his weight balanced on the balls of his feet as if about to turn away. Inexplicably, he can’t quite manage to leave just yet. He remains as if in a trace, staring after his friend.
A car drives by, and Min jolts. Glancing at the sun dipping precariously below the horizon, he spins on his heel and begins the walk back towards home.
Ryan does everything big, with presence and style. He’s always flashy and energetic. Min knows well how much Ryan would love to spend their after-school afternoons parading around the neighborhood, serenading anyone who would care to listen. And they do, sometimes, when Ryan can rope Min along. But it’s always been the quiet afternoons, the ones that are just him and Ryan, that Min enjoys the most.
As Min makes his way down the street, smiling softly to himself, Ryan watches him from his window. The sibling Ryan shares his room with is still kicking a ball around outside, thankfully, and isn’t present to tease Ryan for tracking his friend down the street.
Ryan likes the exciting afternoons, sure, loves spending his entire day in a whirlwind of activity. But as long as his time is spent with Min, he’s content.
All they both want to do is enjoy these seemingly endless sunny afternoons in each other’s company.
Min is too realistic and Ryan too ambitious to claim these days will last forever. Yet during this stretch of childhood, sometimes it seems like they’ll go on like this every single day, playing on the hill behind the school.
Neither of them find an issue with it.
~
woooo happy rymin week! my lovely friend sae is the mastermind behind this whole project, so i've been watching from the sidelines and helping for a couple months now. it's so exciting to see this event come to fruition! to everyone who's participated so far or plans on participating, thank you so much for your contribution!!
i was intending to have every day done before the week began, but as always, that didn't seem to happen lol. i'm not sure if i'll get all of them done in time, but i have a lot of exciting wips and ideas i'd really love to post! i'm interested to see what you all think!
this is just some cute little fluff. i love ryan and min as kids they're just so sweet.
because ryan and min are so musically inclined, i'll be titling each chapter with a song lyric or title from a song i feel fits the theme or vibe (i know, very predictable of me and my many song lyric-titled fics skfhfksdf). today's song is from sunny afternoon from red velvet! the whole russian roulette album really encapsulates rymin fluff in an established relationship i think
i'm pretty new to writing infinity train so i don't think i have the best handle on the characters' voices yet. if you have any tips please tell me! i'm sure i'll improve while writing all the fics for this week. i'm excited!
if you ever wanna talk infinity train, writing, these amazing characters, or really anything hmu here on my tumblr or twitter! haha. thank you for reading, and please leave a kudos/comment if you enjoyed it!
@ryminweek
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beautifulterriblequeen · 4 years ago
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I’m really intrigued by Rayla’s moonshadow assassin peers. I especially am interested in Andromeda because I think she is the only other girl in the group? Do you have any headcanons in how these teen/young adult assassins interacted? Do you think Rayla isolated herself from them because she was always iffy about taking a life? Also TDP finally colored their map and I know you live maps, find any new cool stuff? I especially love how there’s a frozen sea north and a spinning sea south, imagine the powerful Magic’s that channeled to make them.
Okay, so I jumped straight to the map, did 80% of it, and wandered away for a few weeks. I apologize, anon. Let’s get this going again:
I’ve got a few headcanons on the Moonshadow assassins! It seems likely that they hang out mostly with each other, when they hang out, to reinforce their teambuilding and to give them some socialization, since assassins tend to keep others at arm’s length. So I kinda figure they tend to roam as a pack on their evenings out in the village, if they’re not married to a non-assassin like Runaan is.
I think that could be part of the reason that Rayla might not have hung out with the others as much, too: Runaan wanted to be either training or at home with Ethari, so Rayla probably spent a lot of time doing those things just because he did them. And when Runaan was doing more serious training or missions, that’s when Rayla had her free time to run around the forest and make adoraburr friends. 
Runaan could’ve probably insisted that she do something more assassiny with her free time. Shadow an assassin, do more studying, practice certain prescribed skills on her own. But he didn’t. He let her play. Soft assassin is soft!
Listen, anon, I have a fun headcanon for you about Andromeda--and by fun, I mean it’s really angsty half a second after you start thinking about it. Ready? 
What if: Andromeda is Runaan’s half-sister. If they’re both Lujanne’s children by different assassin dads who kept dying in battle, but a Moon mage needs an assassin leader partner to defend Xadia with, and Lujanne knew her son Runaan wasn’t old enough to lead yet, so she burned through three or more husbands protecting him until Runaan was well trained enough to lead the assassins himself and had fallen in love with a mage who adored him and would be his partner in her place.
 Andromeda looks a fair bit like Lujanne, too:
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Along with Runaan, they all have long hair, side tails bound in silver cuffs, and some form of braids. Andromeda’s hair is sectioned in front similarly to Runaan’s. Her accent sounds more British than Scottish, though she only has the one line: My eyes for truth. And Lujanne and Andromeda are the only two Moonshadow elves we’ve met who have medium blue horns, while Runaan’s are dark blue. Almost everyone else’s horns have purple or pink as their base color.
But then, see, Andromeda went on Runaan’s mission, and she died. Her spirit was the most aggressive in TTM, usually closest to Rayla with her sword out, as if she hated Rayla the most. If she had a vested family interest in Runaan’s mission succeeding, and then it went pear-shaped because of Rayla, that would make sense.
No matter if she’s related to Runaan or not, she’s wearing horn cuffs, so she was in a dedicated relationship of some kind, and that’s so sad. Someone’s missing her the way Ethari’s missing Runaan. :’((((
Anyway, it’s just a headcanon, but since you asked, there ya go.
Okay, on to my thoughts on the map, of which I have a normal and healthy amount:
The Map Border: 
Everyone doodles in the borders. I love to see what they put there.
Starting in the upper left and going counter-clockwise, the five human crowns are cool
Cornucopia swirls center left look like an homage to Cabbage Man from ATLA
Bait is staring at Evenere. his home? Or maybe he just wants to eat the dragonfly on its logo
Human defender has a beard. Hairagorn. He's very heavily armored but has no helmet. Long hair is braided to rest on front of shoulder, like the blond elf in the painting at the Moon Nexus. Old timey hairstyle?
He’s defending Katolis Castle specifically. I wonder if the little white building is kinda random or if it’s supposed to represent the Banther Lodge. Nah, I have a better guess: that’s where Viren grew up
The crack in the map looks meta. It's been repaired somewhat. Makes me wonder if it's an in-world map, whose, who ripped it, and who fixed it. Sir Phineas Kurst seems like the kind of guy to almost shred his really cool map
The star behind Zym's egg has seven points
The two ships on the southern waters are western and eastern respectively. Tidebound elves from Singapore? Jack Sparrow would be proud
There is land just south of the Dragontail, wonder what’s there?
The leaves around the human figure are small and numerous while the Moonshadow elf has fewer but bigger leaves
The elf is standing in the way of one of the six leaves growing out of the rune rose and that leaf's curly tip seems to have been replaced with a curl of the elf's very long hair
The human pose is more offense and the elf pose is more defense. But the elf has two swords, and one has some wicked hooks in it.
Elf has 4 fingers instead of 3 so whether it’s in-universe or meta, they were drawn by a human :DDD
The elf's braid winds around their horn and I think that's clever
High collar shirt under protective layer, bracers and elbow gloves, bare biceps, complex shoulder getup, ornate hair that's butt long and partly braided, two long slightly curving swords... horn cuffs too. This is a Moonshadow assassin in the same gear Runaan's got, poised to defend the Xadian half of the map as the human is poised to defend his side
The rune rose isn't a compass. It has a two sided pointer and six primal runes. Just decorative I guess. ;)
More lettuces on right center.
Maybe a portaling caterpillar on the center knot? Little bug pal, I see you
“The Five Human Kingdoms” lettered in red, “Xadia” in blue. Giving me Stratego flashbacks. Even the flowers on their banners are color coded
Banners in the corners are similar but Xadia has more fluttery tips
Thunder drawn all attacky top center, does he have anything to do with the Frozen Sea being frozen?
Compass rose under Thunder’s wing
Dick island near the compass. Well, Duren is the breadbasket of the human lands. A most excellent cartography joke! 10/10 would chortle wholesomely again
The Human Kingdoms:
Neolandia
Capital Eboreus seems to be a lake city below a mountain and I'm here for all the Lake Town refs. 
It's also the eye of the elephant shape
Not a lot of trees, mostly grasses or desert. Only borders Duren across a couple rivers/estuaries/sea channels
Heart shaped island next to elephant trunk
Land generally broken into several sections by sea/rivers 
If it’s rivers, they seem to generate from the capital’s lake and flow in several directions. And they say there’s no magic left in the western lands! ;)
But if there was exactly one source of freshwater in a desert land, it makes sense that you’d find a way, magical or mechanical, to spread that lifegiving water in as many directions as possible so your people can thrive so kudos to Neolandia’s ancestors/Tidebound elves/whoever managed that, it’s brilliant
I can and will make up explanations for anything on a map. I adore worldbuilding
Del Bar
Two named locations. Since Del Bar’s national symbol is a serpent, I guess Serpentongue is the capital.
Hinterpeak is a sweet name. Looks like Helm's Deep with that retaining wall. What’s it for? Are there dwarves in this land? Is it an Earthblood stronghold? Maybe it’s like the Mines of Moria, and the Earthbloods were chased out and/or killed inside and now it’s full of nasty orcses but someone left a MacGuffin down there so *nudges hero* Off you pop.
Nice forests around the southern mountain range but northern DB is more arid or grassy lands like Neolandia. 
Considering that crops grow well in Duren, which is farther north, I assume there is a massive meteorological gyre over the human lands, with a southern wind blowing down over the western realms and keeping them icy until the mountains of Hinterpeak block and divert them, protecting Evenere. The winds don't blow eastward without warming right up-- and causing thunderstorms in Katolis how about that-- because there is a warmer side to the gyre over Katolis and Duren, blowing tropical warmth and moisture north and providing rain for trees and crops alike. Most years, anyway.
How does the weather fail in Duren for seven years in a row, anyway? That seems like a Thunder issue. Unless it’s a Sunforge issue, which I’ll get to below.
Ahem.
Borders Neolandia, Duren, and Katolis across rivers, but most border is coastline.
Serpentongue probably got its name from the two river heads around it
Cluster of dead little cracks spawns a single river. Looks like someone cracked the tub and it drained away. I wonder how much of this landscape has been affected by the Mage Wars. Big watery basins have flooded and other spots seem dead. The lands may or may not actually touch depending on how deep some of these waterways are
Evenere
Looks like someone punched holes in the land with a giant pencil to make it a separate island. Broken outline with scattered islands
That Pawprint Isles has only four toes
Moon-shaped island is very crescenty indeed
Are these isles home to refugees or outcasts from Xadia? Listen, I want pirates and that sea looks pretty Caribbean to me
No capital city, hmmm what's that about? Is it underground, does it move? Maybe Fareeda’s capital is on the back of a world turtle and she’s constantly on tour around the island?
That arm of land ending in a peace sign, please can we get surfers
The hills emanating from that claw shaped headland look like something is sleeping under the island, hello yes I am here for giant immortal creatures please
Katolis
its capital is also called Katolis, the only human realm to use the same name twice
Weeping Bay could be a ref to the tears the humans shed after they reached the west. Or the Moonshadow elves as they left their forest for the east. Or both. Both, in this case, is bad but balanced
Boomerang island next to the Dragontail
The river the Dragaang rode on was going uphill
The watery slash in the land between Katolis and Del Bar is awfully straight. So is the one between Del Bar and Neolandia. I call magical warfare.
Katolis has a bunch of mountains in the east, part of an old natural border before the lava one appeared
Mt Kalik is probably volcanic. It's a standalone mountain and it's really tall. Rex Ignius maybe? Oh, probably not, I think I see him peeking on the other side of the map
The trees of Duren and Katolis are different then the western lands. Softer green, deciduous. And the land itself is yellower, warmer in tone
Forests centered on Mt Kalik
The Moon Nexus looks like an eye on a dragon head near the Dragontail, and Evenere looks like a severed wing (Yes I am still wondering where Luna Tenebris went, why do you ask)
Weeping Bay looks like the most natural body of water in the western lands
Three red little trees scattered around the Katolis map. Fruit trees? How very Moonshadow.
Duren
The only land border among all the human kingdoms is between Duren and Katolis. Maybe it used to be further south along the river?
Capital is Berylgarten, set on a lake. Beryl is a stone that’s usually green, blue, or yellow in color, very gardeny
Second smallest realm but the breadbasket of the human lands. Has several little forests and great tilled fields
Being a farmer in Duren is probably as awesome as being an assassin in the Moonshadow Forest; you do what you do for all your friendly kingdoms
Northernmost land is cold and craggy, named Skall's Hook along the sea
Third ship in the Frozen Sea is icebound and crushed. Looks western, indicating no possible passage
Lots of colored trees and shrubs as if fruitbearing, I keep comparing Duren to the Yakima Valley in Washington State
Where the lava reaches the Frozen Sea, it melts the ice next to Duren's mountains
Northern Xadia:
Lux Aurea
Most of the center lands of this map has warm tones for its ground. Maybe that’s because of the long reach of the warmth and light of Lux Aurea’s Sun Nexus, and only the lands that are just too far from it are truly cold and icy. It would explain why Duren is a breadbasket realm so far north--it’s just across the border from Lux Aurea.
If there’s anything to that, then I suddenly worry for the fate of all the human lands now that the Sunforge has gone dark. It’s early summer now in Xadia, and crops in Duren will be ripening soon... Unless the sun’s magic was helping them grow. This coming winter could be rough. Next winter, people will die. Unless they can purify the Sunforge again.
Also, I have to wonder if Duren’s seven years of famine had anything to do with Sunforge shenanigans. They’d have happened at Khessa’s command, and we know she despises humans. If she was responsible for all the struggles that humans had to go through without enough food for seven years, and then their desperate attempt to fix the problem by invading Xadia for a Magma Titan’s heart which extended and exacerbated the war, I can see why Aaravos might feel Queen Khessa deserved to die
The city’s shaped kinda like an Egyptian pectoral necklace on this map, and that’s super pretty and not at all ominous
Also that’s a lot of gold for a whole city and I wonder how they got it all
The Shiverglades and the Shards
These areas are north of Lux Aurea and seem cold but not very icy, even though the Frozen Sea is right there. More thoughtful glances at the Sunforge over this one. Is it warming the land, or not warming the sea? Both?
Shiverglades is a play on Everglades, so this is a cold swamp, which sounds super fun I’m sure. Permafrost, tundra maybe?
The Shards seem to be rock islands with ice mountains. Glaciers are cool. 
I wonder if something broke those islands off on purpose. Have I mentioned how much I enjoy worldbuilding? Yeah, well, I like world-wrecking, too.
Storm Spire
Has a good view on everything that happens for miles, including Lux Aurea, the Midnight Desert, the Shiverglades, the Black Tundra, the Uncharted Forest, and Drakewood. 
Defensible position, no other tall mountains nearby
Also able to alert others to danger, especially since Avizandum could teleport like lightning
The Midnight Desert
It’s pretty big! And it looks like it’s littered with ruins of columns and dead palm trees. Like something else used to be in that great space and then something Very Bad happened to it. Maybe there was one great city where all the elves could mix together, and then it got utterly obliterated and the elves all fled to their respective safe places around Xadia. A city of black stone, back when Aaravos wore a crown? Now pulverized to dust and surrounded by not one, not two, but three primal nexuses? Hmmm...
All the wisps could be heat from the sand, or spooky spirit hints, or just an ominous sign of danger from the snakes below, but the overall effect is that the land is unhealthy if not cursed
The oasis is marked, and it must contain a spring since it runs a river out to join the river that passes through the Moonshadow Forest
Also the actual oasis kinda resembles a blue lizard which is adorable and probably also terrifying
Moonshadow Forest
The Silvergrove is the only village marked in the forest, so in keeping with the other lands and general map legend rules, it’s likely the capital/central village for the Moonshadow elves
The village is marked by four round-roofed homes between two tall leafy trees that shelter and hide them. It’s a hybrid balance between the blocky manmade castles of the human lands and the actual forest around them, showing a blending with nature that even the Sunfire city of Lux Aurea did not embrace, with all its golden buildings
It’s a good-sized forest, and it kinda stretches thin to the east but there it tentatively connects to the Drakewood Forest
Moonstone Path to the west just chilling in the lava like a blank alignment chart. Moonstone Path is Chaotic Hot.
Southern Xadia:
Ruins of Elarion
Elarion is a city, and it’s been lost to the humans for a thousand years
The building outlines are squared-off towers like the more modern castles in the west, suggesting that humans in Xadia built for strength and defense as soon as they could. They felt vulnerable and created protections in their architecture. The three elven cities we see also play to their strengths, but those strengths include magic. Elarion’s humans had to find a different strength, and they went with craftsmanship and ingenuity
It seems to be the only human city from before the border was drawn
“Ruins” doesn’t necessarily mean no one lives there at all, but it’s been emptied of humans and no one else has maintained it since
It had a great position on a vast lake, with sheltering hills and easy sea access
Sea of the Castout
This inland sea has five inlets and outlets. It’s hard to be sure which is which with some of them, with the way the water is drawn on this map. But I’m kinda liking the idea that all the water swirlies are places where Tidebound magic has been placed over the millennia, so the water can do whatever it needs to do depending on circumstances. That goes for the human lands, too. Katolis backward river, you’re off the hook.
With a name like "Castout,” I wonder if it was some kind of universal toilet to flush away things you didn’t want--including humans--who might wash up near Elarion and start to build there. Yeesh.
The rivers that flow into this sea pass through or near the Moonshadow Forest, the Midnight Desert, the Storm Spire, Drakewood, and the Uncharted Forest. That’s a lot of drainage.
It’s pretty far from the Tidebound Archipelago, so maybe its name is referencing Tidebound elves who have left their home colony
Was this always a sea, or did something that Xadia wanted to forget get flooded and hidden in the depths?
The land around it seems open and hospitable. It could be a good place to build/rebuild in a time of peace.
The Far Reaches
Open grassland with low hills
Two of the hills look like giant boot prints
Several colorful trees which I hope are fruit trees
Bounded by two rivers from the Sea of the Castout
Looks homey tbh, great spot to retire to get away from everything if there were a war that really shook you up
Ocean Point
There’s a Star rune here, and it could mean many things
The closest other marked location is Elarion
If this was where Aaravos lived of his own free will, I can see why he’d take a shine to the humans. They were his neighbors.
If he is imprisoned here, it’s literally the furthest point in Xadia from the other elven realms, with the Moonshadow Forest being the closest one and Umber Tor not too much further but in a totally different direction. If they were trying to isolate him physically with a portable mirror to watch over him, that’s a good spot for it
Possible location that the cube is leading Callum toward? Portal to the Star Touch home plane? Aaravos’s seaside B&B? Trap street?
Eastern Xadia:
Drakewood
Umber Tor looks to be the tallest mountain in all of Xadia, save possibly for the Storm Spire. It’s more traditionally mountainy, with a nice snowcap. Since it’s labeled, I’m guessing it’s the Earth Nexus, under which an Earth Archdragon sleeps
Also there’s a giant yellowish-brown dragon chilling next to the Tor. Yeah, he seems nice. Rex Igneous, I presume?
Or maybe not, since the neighboring forest is called Drakewood. Maybe this woods is just where a bunch of Earth dragons hang out? Ezran and Pyrrah flew off and returned with a crew of Sun dragons from somewhere, so dragons must have communities too
The mountains that edge the sea are shaped roughly like a stone dragon in flight
Drakewood seems to be the forest closest to Umber Tor, with both deciduous and evergreen trees, though there’s a huge swath of wooded land here, to the north and to the southwest. I wonder what the locals consider the border where the Drakewood becomes the Uncharted Forest and why. The way the evergreens are drawn almost looks like a border, a sort of kingswood set aside for a specific use. Rex Igneous’s best toothpicks?
Uncharted Forest
Okay this is a properly magical name, very mysterious. But uncharted by whom? People with charts? This might be a Sir Phineas Kurst name, which is outsidery, and it makes me wonder if the locals/neighbors have their own name for it, which the human explorer never learned, a la “Thunder” for Avizandum
Maybe “Uncharted Forest” just means no one ever turned those trees into charts though, old growth ftw
If no one lives here, will someone move here? If someone lives here, who are they? Earthblood elves? Moonshadow elves? Humans? This mystery, it calls to me
the trees are mostly deciduous and fill basically all of this whole section of land, up against the mountains and the rivers, so it seems very fertile land indeed
Earthblood elves could live here, but there is no city marked. Maybe because we haven’t gotten that far in the show, or maybe that’s the wrong sort of descriptor for how the Earthbloods live and organize. Maybe the whole forest is their city, like Pando, the interconnected quaking aspen clone forest
The northernmost part of this forest lies right between the Storm Spire and the Tidebound Archipelago, so it might get a regular flyover route for migration or messages
Yes, this forest is the most interesting place in Xadia to me, I desperately want to learn more about it
Black Tundra
Yeah this place isn’t ominous
Similar to the Shiverglades, but where that has shrubbery, the Black Tundra has single dead trees and creepy curving spikes. Scorched? Poisoned? De-magicked?
The water north of this area isn’t frozen, and with a lake to the south and a river and a moderate mountain range, the whole area looks like it would otherwise be decently habitable, but instead it’s cold and black
Is climate change a thing here, or will we get a nice horrible disaster instead?
Tidebound Archipelago
These islands have dotted lines around them, like they’re submerged at high tide, or maybe made of shifting sand that literally moves around like sand dunes across a desert, or perhaps they’re exactly at sea level with half their civilization in the air and half underwater or in cool bubbles, or maybe the islands actually float
Maybe the Tidebound elves even sank them on purpose for defensive purposes
The archipelago is about even latitudinally with the Storm Spire Lux Aurea, Berylgarten, and Eboreus so they probably get pretty nice weather
There’s no ice in sight here in any direction along Xadia’s east coast, so presumably the prevailing current is a warm one
do they have bridges connecting the islands? Ferries, animals who give them a lift across?
the islands have quite a bit of space on them. I wonder if there’s a big population, maybe a shifting population? Do Tidebound elves migrate up and down the coast like gray whales and return to the islands for certain holidays or social events?
This is probably the hub of the Tidebound elves’ culture, but the sea surrounds the whole land and infiltrates it with many rivers and lakes. The Spinning Sea and the Frozen Sea are pretty firm Do Not Enter signposts, but a determined Tidebound could get around either one if they wanted to
What I’m not seeing here is a city. Either it’s not been marked yet, or that’s not a thing that Tidebound elves have in their culture. If they don’t have a city, they’re possibly migratory in family groups, or maybe they stick to small villages like the Moonshadows do, but with even less central leadership
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surveys-at-your-service · 4 years ago
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Survey #323
“dehumanized upon a shell  /  we came to bleed it dry  /  obsessed with divine wealth  /  divide and multiply”
Have you ever drawn on someone’s face while they were sleeping? No. Would you scuba dive in shark infested waters if you had the chance? No thanks. What is your favorite slow song? There are so many, but one of the slowest and most beloved of mine is "Obstacles" by Syd Matters. It gives me goosebumps without fail. It's one song I know I want at my hypothetical wedding. If there were aliens on earth, would you be afraid? I mean, yeah. I'd want to know their intentions. If your best friend died, would you be able to speak at their funeral? It'd be extremely difficult, but if I had any say in it, I absolutely would. Do you enjoy going through old pictures? Sometimes. Other times it causes too much pain, depending on the pictures, of course. Do you tend to have a lot of drama in your life? Definitely not. My life is painfully uneventful. When’s the last time someone was disappointed in you? I don't know. Do you have a house phone? No. Which fast food place do you eat at the most? McDonald's. Have you ever met someone on the Internet in real life? Yep. What’s your favorite color to wear? Black. Do you like being in pictures? No. Do you travel a lot? Essentially never, even though I'd love to. Do you play any sports? No. Do you like pickles? Yesssss. How many times have you been kicked out of a store? Never. Is there things you’ve told someone that you’ve NEVER told anyone else? Probably. When was the last time you had alcohol? My birthday dinner last month. Are you one to often make typos? No, except when I'm texting. I have autocorrect on for a reason. On a hot day, would you rather prefer ice cream or a popsicle? Ice cream. Have you ever wanted to get drunk and get your mind off everything? Yes, but I just didn't want to drink anymore at one point. I'm far from a lightweight, apparently. Have you played cards recently? No. Is there a band you like with amazing music but a bad vocalist? Mother Mother immediately comes to mind, but not the main singer; he's great. The woman who occasionally joins in is fucking horrendous. Like, it hurts my ears. Is there a certain song you like to headbang to? I don't and never have really headbanged, surprisingly. It's a sure-fire way to make me dizzy. Anything you might be giving up on soon? I hope not... Sometimes I feel like it's time with photography, but I just. Can't. Have you ever captured a moth? I've raised a caterpillar into one before, then of course let it go. Is there a band/artist who has strange lyrics but you love them anyway? Otep, noteably. When was the last time you wore earrings? It's been a long time. How many pairs of heels do you own? I don't think I have any. When was the last time you changed your picture on Facebook? Uhhhh it's been at the very least a month, but I know more. Would you consider yourself to be physically strong? Absolutely not, especially my legs. I struggle to fucking walk because they're so weak. Have you ever painted a piece of furniture? Yes, actually. I helped Jason paint his shelf black. Do you have a really fat cat? No, we never have. We've always been good about keeping our pets at a healthy weight. Do your initials spell a word? No. When was the last time you went to a playground? A year or so ago when I was taking pictures of someone's son, as well as just general family photos. That same family just had another baby the other day. Have you ever made a business card for yourself? No. Do you have a favorite curse word in a different language? No. Are there any recipes you have memorized? No. Do you know your multipication times tables? Lol not most of them, no... It's been way too long. Do you have a favorite font on the computer? Of the basic ones, probably Garamond. Are you good at creating logos? *shrugs* I've only ever really made my photography watermarks, and I only JUST made one I like pretty well. How about catch phrases? I don't make those. Have you ever been severely burned? Not severely, no. Did you ever dream that you had a baby? I've actually had numerous dreams where I was pregnant, but I don't THINK I've had one where the baby was born yet. Do you or anyone you know have a rabbit? No. What was the weirdest thing you ever saw cross the road? Hm, nothing too weird, I think. Last song you got stuck in your head? "ALTÆR" by 3TEETH. Last song you listened to? ^ Favorite movie quote? I don't know. Maybe Rafiki's quote about the past hurting, but you should take that opportunity to learn. Favorite lyric? That is impossible. There are so, so very many that just like slather me in goosebumps. What magazine are you an avid reader to? None. Have you ever gone a full day without interacting with another person? I have. How many relationships have you been in that lasted less than a year? Four. Have you ever been significantly more physically fit than you are now? Man, take me the hell back to my WiiFit days. I was pretty damn fit. The last time I did it, it was seriously alarming how much I struggled doing things that were once pretty effortless. When growing up, did you parents keep the house very tidy? "Very" seems a bit too much, but Mom definitely kept it in order. How many watches do you own? None. Should teenagers be allowed to have their cell phones with them in class? Yes. Emergencies happen. Do you have any gay relatives? Yes; my mom has a cousin who's gay. Have you unfollowed, deleted, or blocked anyone on social media recently? Not recently, no. If so, what was the reason? ^ What’s the biggest financial mistake you’ve ever made? Oh, y'know, dropping out of college three fucking times. Once I pay my own bills and I truly understand finances, that's going to fucking wreck me. Do you like metal music? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck yeah. If so, what sub-genres of metal do you like the best? Heavy and symphonic. Who was the last person you sincerely thanked? My mom for bringing home lunch recently. Have you ever been in a relationship where there was a large difference in maturity levels? No. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed as a guest at someone’s house? Maybe like a month when I was technically homeless? How bad was your acne when you were a teenager? It was preeeetty rough. Do you like strawberry shortcake? No. What’s the last you got out of the freezer? A microwavable breakfast bowl. Do you go on the computer or watch TV more? Guess. Explain why you are single: Because I'm a very, very underdeveloped "adult" that has very little clue what she's doing. At my age, I and any potential partner should want someone with direction. What feature do you usually get most complimented on? My hair. Has anyone ever accused you of being gay? Well, I'm bi. I had this weird therapist once in middle school though who asked if I was a lesbian... Idk why she did? What Facebook groups have you found the most helpful? I'm in an advanced ball python husbandry group, and while a lot of people there are utter, degrading elitists, they do have valuable information. Did you name all of your stuffed animals and dolls? I sure did as a kid. What would you have your bridesmaids wear? Probably black dresses, and I think it'd be really cool if I were to marry a woman, the bridesmaids wear checkered Converses colored into a rainbow pattern, or something like that. Where do you want to go on your honeymoon? I think Alaska, if it was a good time to see the Northern Lights. Are you sick right now? No, thankfully. Do you feel loved? Yes. Do you like your butt? Why or why not? God no. I have such a flat ass. Are you ashamed of your faith? I'm assuming by this you mean religion, in which case, I don't have one and am not ashamed of that. Has anyone ever tried to force their beliefs on you? Yes. Have you ever personally been a victim of homophobia? Again, I'm bisexual. I have never had a personal act of homophobia inflicted upon me, though. Have you ever been accused of being homophobic? Yes, because I was for most of my life. Fucking repulsive to remember. "Repulsive" is much too gentle a word, but yeah. It is so, so embarrassing to recall myself ever believing it was wrong because my then-religion said no-no. Do you think you’d be happier if you had a pet? I have two pets. I would be so, so lonely without any. :/ I've had pets my entire life. Who was the last person you went on a date with? Sara. How long has it been since that last time you went on a date? Like two or so years. Do you think babies are cute? They can be, but I usually don't find them all that cute, honestly. Especially newborns/very young infants. They're usually hideous. My youngest niece is actually the only newborn that I remember seeing that I thought was absolultely precious. What is your favorite style of pants? Ripped skinny jeans. Were you ever hospitalized as a little kid? No. Who was the last person who broke your heart? Jason. ^Do you still miss this person? I'm sure I always will to some degree. Do you have someone to talk to and share your secrets with? Sara more than anyone, but Mom, too. Is there someone you feel extra shy around? Just men in general. Have you been hurt more by friend break-ups or romantic break-ups? Romantic. Closest living thing to you? My snake's terrarium is against the opposite wall. She's in her hide. Would you rather drown or burn alive? Drown. You go unconscious first, so. And I'd assume it to be faster than burning alive. Also me no like hot. :'''( Who is the last person you got really pissed off with? My stepmother posted some ignorant bullshit on Facebook about how people blow out of proportion our "supposed" environmental crisis. I nearly deleted her right then and there. I take that shit seriously. Most of her beliefs drive me insane, honestly, but she's a wonderful person at heart, so I just bit my tongue. Who was the last member of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with? Girt. What type of sushi do you like to eat? Never tried it, don't want to. Was the last person you kissed physically attractive? Yes. Do you have any flowers in your room? No. Do you know anyone that owns horses? Yes. Well, I took pictures for her family, anyway. Do you know anyone who has road rage? Who? Jesus, yes. My little sister. Is your mom a big health freak or your dad? Or neither? Neither are "big" health freaks, especially not Dad when you consider he smokes and knows it'll be what kills him. My mom is diabetic though, so she's reasonably careful. Do you know anyone who wants to be the president one day? No. What kinds of chips are in the cupboards? We don't have any. Ma tries to keep snacks out of the house for both hers and my sake. If you were going out with your celebrity crush, what would you wear? OH BOY idk. I'd probably spend days planning the "perfect" thing. Do you have any friends who have naturally red hair? I do. Have you ever cried when a teacher retired? Yep, my band teacher. He was incredibly loved by literally everyone. Do you have your mom’s or dad’s eyes? Neither's. They both have brown eyes. What’s the best date movie? We gonna have a problem if you don't watch The Notebook w/ me if I have it on lmao. How long has your current best friend been your best friend? Many years now. (: Do you swear and yell while playing video games? I might swear under my breath, but I don't yell. Would you rather name your daughter Andrea or Eva? Andrea. If you were adopted, would you want to know? Yes. Do you know anyone who has grossly skinny eyebrows? I couldn't care less about someone's eyebrows. Do your pets chase after bugs? Oh yes, Roman certainly does. When’s the last time you were so excited you couldn’t sleep? Why? Hmmm... this actually happened recently, but I don't remember why... What is your mom’s favorite movie? I don't know, actually. I think it's some romance one. What TV family reminds you of your own family? None, really. Do you know anyone who always looks perfect? Who? One of my best high school friends Alon was like... just always pristinely beautiful, it seemed like. I haven't seen many pictures of her lately, but I'm sure that hasn't changed. Has anyone you know ever pulled the fire alarm in school, joking around? I think so once, yes. Who was the main character in the last book you read? A dragon named Sunny. Who are the last people you saw kiss? On the lips, I'm sure it woulda been my sister and her husband. Would you rather look at clouds or stars? Clouds, I think. Well, it would depend on their design, I guess, and time of day. When you get married, who will be the maid of honor/best man? Probably my mom. Does your best friend get along with their parents? She has a wonderful relationship with them. Have you ever been in a wedding? What were you? I was the fat, hideous, crying bridesmaid. ;x; Are you purposely hiding something from someone? No. What’s the most intimate thing you’ve discussed with a stranger? My suicide attempt with doctors. What, if anything, do you substitute for fries? I always get fries. Have you ever been in a building that was on fire? No. Are you in an argument with anyone right now? No. Have you ever written a poem for someone? Yes. Who’s the last person who cussed you out in anger? My grandmother. Who is the person you are closest to that you’ve meet online? Sara. Have you friended your parents on FB? Mom, yes. Dad doesn't have one. What’s the last tourist area you visited? Chicago. Mice or roaches? Mice are precious, meanwhile I hate roaches. Did you give or get any Valentines this year? No. Well, Mom bought me and my sisters each a delicious candy apple, if that counts? What’s your homepage? Google. Is there anyone whose grave you visit? No.
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brinesystem · 5 years ago
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list, tw
I saw this on someone else’s blog (im not saying names cause idk if its okay to share that info? it was public but still) and it uh
It looked like a good way to kinda, like, have a bit less doubt? or a way to remind myself of whats happening and why i think i have this? idk
Might be triggering so like probs scroll past or something
‘the moods’ existed before i knew about did/osdd
I used to describe them as “it feels like half me, but also half somebody else”
I argue and talk with my own thoughts
Sometimes I talk/argue /aloud/ with my own thoughts
I have to actively fight to /convince/ Fae to talk to people, else he wont. and even when he does, its not how i want it to sound
I cant remember most of my childhood
The /bad/ middle school was when i was either 9 or 10
I knew too much about sex when i was much too young (7, 8)
I get ages wrong (i was 6 in cali, not 8. why do i think it was 8?)
I had a dream about getting raped when I was in elementary school. I didnt fight back. I didnt feel anything at all
I used to hide under desks
I hated my therapist. Its now fear. I dont remember what it was back then
I forget memories I recall, and if I force them back, everything hurts, even if theyre not traumatic
I often forget that I used to forget bad things that happened to me.
Other sex dreams from elementary school
The csa I /do/ remember (freshman). Why did i seek that out. Why did it seem like a good plan
I used to forget conversations daily
I drew myself (sebastian, older brother, nicer) before I knew i was trans. I dont have many memories from before I came out/knew i was trans. (am i an alter?)
Used to daydream for hours due to nerves. Disocciating?
The bathroom incident (middle school. 9 - 10)
How old are you? “16″ i reply this randomly when i am 23. when i was 21. Even when I know I am not
The HS trauma that happened right
I don’t have triggers for my trauma, except sometimes i /do/
Hypersexual, but only /sometimes/
I’m an adult! Except sometimes when my body is much too big and I am much too tall and I only want to curl up and be left /alone/. Except when i am small and fragile and want to have stuffed animals around me and play animal crossing. Except then.
Opinions keep changing, but to set differing ones. (Fashion sense, humor, hobbies, aesthetics)
Scared of dad! Not scared of dad. Pity dad. Could kill dad. Scared of dad! Not s-
Handwriting/Art/Writing style changes a lot (fluctuates between set stops)
Randomly gains accents and loses them. Only happens with two accents even though I know many
Stims change depending on Mood
Cant recognize myself in the mirror, but ideal keeps changing in set patterns (soft lumberjack, fae prince, cutesy, fashionable andro, suited devil)
Fave colors, songs, movies change in set patterns
Numb sensations to VERY INTENSE sensations. Cannot predict
Edible food changes depending on mood, even including safe foods (mac n cheese vs mussels vs ramen, etc)
What is this emotion? idk
Who am i? idk
I know I was bullied. Don’t remember why I know
Trying to think about my childhood makes me panic or get a headache
Super depressed after mental break ; Suddenly snapped out of it emotionally
That one time I slept for 3 days straight
Posture and walk cycle keeps changing
Gets songs stuck in my head that I’m not thinking about
Gets songs stuck in my head that i can’t even hear
Remembers things with no context given (the movie. “which movie” i dont know. “what was it about? who was in it? what was the title? what did it look like?” i dont know)
Bad sense of time, but like, days/hours can = months/years
“so mature for my age”
The Moods can be triggered into appearing, but not always by things I relate to them (ie; Kos and Fae)
Personality test results keep changing. All of them
False memories (the cliff, talking to the old woman about marriage, who knows what else)
Caught off guard by my own thoughts and even words I say (”sehb is gonna be mad at me for this, lol” “ACRRRRRYLICS”)
Most of my childhood memories are actually photos or stories ive heard
That dissociative test where I scored in the middle, but closer to DID than OSDD
Opinion on myself and my own looks varies
Opinion on my past varies
I dont recognize my own voice sometimes (is it changing? or is it my perception?)
Numb regarding pain, but then hypersensitive to it later
Numb regarding loss, skips straight to acceptance
Cant shiver normally, but sometimes can even when its not cold
Cant feel hunger normally, but sometimes can?
Favorite season and holidays change (summer, beach! autumn, cool air! halloween! no, valentines day!)
I dont feel connected to my family except my mum and maybe my youngest sister. These were /choices/ I made
Empathy? Dont know her. Except when I randomly start crying when others are sad, which always comes at different times but similar Moods
Cares about appearance one day, couldnt care less the next
Fave jacket: Green denim! Nope, today fave jacket: Grey hoodie! Nope, today f-
Headaches. So many headaches
More headaches when dealing with trauma
I doubt myself and worry I’m lying. Liars wouldnt do that, right?
Known to dissociate
Forget things mid sentence
Used ‘we’ when talking about myself at random before considering OSDD
Cant dream, except when I can and they dont feel like /mine/
Used to speak aloud with myself practicing words. Was I alone? idk
Loves animals. One of the Moods doesnt care at all about animals, even Wander
Loves video games. One of the moods detests video games
Loves horror games. Randomly feels intense fear from horror games
I know i was bullied, i know dad didnt come home on xmas, i know i moved a lot, i know i was in dc during 9/11, the ocean incident, the doctor incidents, I vaguely recall M(on base friend with older brother) and how she treated me (broke my glasses), i know i had a horrible time during that one year of middle school even though I only remember Two Moments (bathrooms, trailer) but I don’t necessarily have the memories of all of the things I know I dealt with
Memories are like snapshots or still moments, and dont continue
Memories I know effected me emotionally, I feel detached from now, except when i’m randomly Not (the koi, the caterpillar, not punching dad, etc)
Didn’t have friends until second year of middle school, those friends were bad, so were the hs friends
Ignored most things that happened but would randomly become enraged at smaller things that happened to me
The time on base I thought all adults driving by were pedophiles (i was 7. 8. why did i think that. why did i want to goad them? what was wrong with me??)
Keep forgetting memories like 81, but when I remember them theyre hard to get out of my head
“you acted so differently as a kid, what happened”
The Tics in response to stress
Was good at the doctors and then suddenly wasnt at all. Now am afraid
Was fine with bugs and then suddenly wasnt. Now am afraid
The fact that I dont remember typing ‘at all’ on 85
Lost old friend. Didnt mourn, still get a queasy feeling when I think about her/am reminded of her, but not upset or sad usually
Can connect most of the Moods to triggers, traumas, or coping methods, including myself
Reaction to trauma changed literally overnight
Used to love being tickled, now makes me panic (fight/flight)
Can feel when the Moods take something they see into themselves (was told this is normal. i am not faking this, at the very least)
I dont like lying. Fae doesnt/cant lie. Luci /enjoys/ lying.
Used to think solely in images. Now think solely in words.
Can sometimes hear thoughts before i think them, but only my own
Randomly gets worse coordination in turns with moods, and then gains it back after
Too trusting, but then gets in a mood and doubts even my closest friends
People keep telling me what im describing sounds like osdd, even friends who have met some of the Moods
I have an easier time remembering some things when I’m in different Moods
Used to have more amnesia before I started recognizing the Moods (was that me switching out?)
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wiggly-blue-shite · 6 years ago
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Chapter 7 The Bell Doesn’t Dismiss You (Tedgens)
I step into the theatre room right as the late bell rings. NOT LATE! I walk over and take my seat next to Norah. Mrs. Murray is still behind her desk.
"Who's absent, by show of hands!" Of course everyone raises there hand. We all love Mrs. Murray but it's still fun to mess around.
"Ryan's absent!" Norah calls out. She's usually the one who keeps track of people. Half the class could be absent and I wouldn't notice.
"Ok!" Mrs. Murray gets out from behind her desk, "we're continuing working on those costume designs!"
We each have to design two costumes for a hypothetical production of Alice in Wonderland. I am designing the Mad Hatter and the Caterpillar. Do I know what to do? Not yet. Are expectations high? YES. So that's fun.
"So how are things with Sam?" Norah asks Zoey. I would tune out if this conversation but I have no ideas for the design. So I guess I'll listen. But Sam's a dick and I don't want to listen to a conversation about him.
"Oh he's great. That skank broke up with him when she found out he was still sleeping with me." I don't even know Charlotte that well but I definitely like her more than Zoey. "And he said if she comes crawling back to him, he'll stay with me." We all know that isn't true. Sam wants a nice little trophy wife who doesn't contradict him. That's Charlotte, Zoey's too outspoken not to contradict. Sam's only with Zoey for the sex.
"Good for you girl." Norah and I have had conversations about this, we both think neither of them should be with Sam, "it's about time he saw how great you are!" Yet Norah still insists on lying to Zoey.
"I know! And well he may have been cheating on her with me, but she's not all that innocent. She was totally cheating on him." Bless her heart, but Zoey has no idea what she's talking about. Charlotte doesn't have it in her.
"No way!" Sometimes Norah is just as bad as Zoey.
"Yes way! She's a hundred percent sleeping with Ted, don't at me."
"What?" I can't stop myself. Zoey gives me a weird look.
With Ted? Ted's a good guy he wouldn't do that... he would do that to Sam. They are sound each other a lot.
"I mean yeah, you've seen the way they act around each other." Zoey's just making wild claims with no basis in reality. Right?
The way she giggles around him. I'm so stupid. He's straight! What the fuck was I thinking?
"Yeah..." I don't know how to respond.
"Well anyway..." I can't listen to Zoey right now.
I stand up and walk over to Mrs. Murray's desk.
"Can I go to the bathroom?" I can sit and think for a second in there.
"I don't know can you?" I would usually laugh. Mrs. Murray's face drops, her voice drops to a whisper, "are you ok?"
"Yeah, my lunch just isn't sitting well."
"Gross." She pats my shoulder and maintains her caring smile, "go to the bathroom."
"Aye aye captain." And I'm out of the classroom. Exeunt stage right.
What does Zoey know? Nothing she's a dumbass.
But god it's so obvious. Why do I care? It's not like he's ever given me any reason to think... I'm so stupid.
I step into the bathroom and into the closest stall. I just need to breath.
I only take a few deep breaths before I hear footsteps entering the bathroom. Damnit. I hush my breathing and try to stay as still as possible. Playing a statue in Mary Poppins wasn't a waste of time after all.
"It's ok. you're ok. Everything's fine." I know that voice. There's a loud slamming sound like someone just bunched something. "God damnit Chad!"
I was right. It is Chad. What the fucks going on with him?
That doesn't matter right now, I just need to get out of here without being spotted. I wait to hear if I can here him leave. I swear I can here him crying. One of the stall doors creaks open. He must be going into it. This is my chance. THERE IS NOT TIME LIKE THE PRESENT.
I slip through the stall door and towards the exit.
"Henry?"
SHIT FUCK. Nononononononono
"Hi chad." I turn around and wave politely. This is hell. I've died and gone to hell.
Chad's definitely been crying. I forgot people like him had emotions. And very powerful ones at that.
"So you heard all that?" He doesn't make eye contact.
I can't lie.
"Yeah." He steps toward me. Oh god. Shit shit shit shit. "Listen, I won't tell any-" another step closer.
"You're gay right?" What?
"Wha-"
What is happening? He grabbed the side of my face. His hands were rough. His lips were even worse.
My head hurts. He pushes me away, violently. It actually hurt. I stumbled back and tried not to fall.
"If you tell anyone you're dead." He storms out of the bathroom. Leaving me there.
What the fuck just happened
I look at myself in the heavily graffitied mirror. My lipstick is smeared. Did he?
The world is frozen around me. I can't move. I'm staring at myself in the mirror. Why did I do makeup? I look like a whore.
I turn the water on and let it pool in my hands and splash the water in my face. The makeup smears. I grab a paper towel and try to wipe it off. I hurts, a lot. But there's still eyeshadow left.
I splash my face again and wipe again with another paper towel. It stings. But there's still some left. I continue the process until it's all gone.
My face feels raw and ripped up. But that's fine. It's all gone. Good. Well back to class now, I guess.
What just happened?
I don't feel to well, perhaps I will go to the nurse. I should check in with Mrs. Murray first though. I'm just getting sick.
I step into the classroom. I can feel people staring at me. I must look awful. I can't think about their opinions right now.
Did he kiss me?
"Mrs. Murray, I think I'm getting sick, may I go to the nurse." I can't stay on campus for a moment longer.
"Of course." Mrs. Murray looks a little scared, "Bring your things with you." Great I will probably get to go home.
"Thank you." I grab my bag and the beginnings of my designs. I can see Norah our the corner of my eye.
"Are you ok?" Norah grabbed my arm. I compulsively pull away quickly.
"No, that's why I'm going to the nurse." I honestly don't know why she cares. It's not like we've ever been really close. We're just cast friends.
I walk toward the nurse. My eyes start to sting. The world feels like it's moving very slowly. I turn a corner then.
"Oh hi Henry!" Of course. Ted's face is quickly overtaken by worry. "What happened to your makeup?" That's the thing that he worries about?
"I took it off." I try to pass by him but he steps in front of me not allowing me to get by. I'm taller than him I can just push right through him. "It's not a big deal."
Why do you care anyways? Just go back to Charlotte.
"Yes it is. You seemed so proud of yourself." What does ted know? He's only an attractive jock who helped a girl cheat on her boyfriend, even if that boyfriend was Sam.
"It doesn't matter." It doesn't make a difference either way. Makeup or no makeup, he's still straight, paul and Emma are still together, and I'm still alone.
"Yes it does." He puts his hand on my shoulder. I hit his hand away. Who do he thinks he is? "Where are you going?"
"None of your business." My head started hurting more. I can't be here anymore.
I manage to push passed him. I quicken my pace, I know he's following me though.
"Henry..."
"Piss off ted." I keep quickening my pace more and more. Why won't he leave me alone?
"Henr-"
"Jesus Christ Ted!" I cant help but yell. Ted flinches. Before he can say anything I'm back to walking away.
I think he gave up. Because I don't here him walking after me. That's good.
I get to the nurse with no further disruptions.
"I have a migraine." I do my sick and That usually works.
"What do you want me to do?" She doesn't look up from her computer.
"Can I go home?" The fake weak voice always works.
"Yeah ok." The nurse gets out a slip and writes something. "Name?"
"Henry Hidgens."
"Here you go." She hand me the slip and returns her full attention to her computer. God bless public school.
I get off campus and head to my car.
Emma: Wtf is going on?
I leave her on read. I love her to death but I can't deal with her right now.
Emma: Where are you?
Emma: Ted said he saw you going somewhere.
Emma: are you ok?
Emma: FUCKING RESPOND!
I pull out of the student parking lot and head home.
"If you tell anyone you're dead."
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iprincezzinuyoukai · 7 years ago
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BillDip Week, Valentine Week, Day 7: Free Day
Is the end! And my brain is dry. God, I love participating in the BillDip Week but when it comes to Valentine Week and everything is so romantic and fluffy I feel like I’ll have diabetes and cavities... What I’m trying to say is that y’all so talented!
Notes and Warnings: Road Trip AU. Not exactly a new AU, I just like the idea of Road Trips. This is a mess because I was listening 500 Miles.
I’m Gonna Be The Man Who Wakes Up Next You
The alarm clock rang at 7:30 in the morning.
Dipper pulled a hand from between the blankets, still searching with his eyes closed the electronic device, and once he found it, he hit the button to turn it off.
Yawning Dipper sat in his place, rubbing his hands over his eyes, removing the remnants of last night’s sleep. Once he felt ready to start the day, he withdrew the hand that was on his waist and walking carefully he approached the front seats, sitting in the driver’s seat.
Taking a clean cup he poured some hot coffee. Drinking and feeling the bitter taste slide down his throat.
It wasn’t yet enough to wake him up. Dipper considered for a moment him banging his head against the horn of the van. But he gave up on the idea as soon as he heard Bill’s snoring. After spending time in a human body the Dream Demon realized that the body that he had created also needed to fulfill its main functions such as eating and sleeping.
Dipper decided that for the moment the coffee would have to fulfill the mission for which it was created, keep people awake.
The place where they had parked for the night was near a lake – Though it was early February, the trees had been turned green, he wondered if there was something influencing it – What he liked most was that the lake was dawning surrounded for fog, but it was fading as soon as the sun’s rays were present.
Dipper took his cell phone out of his jacket pocket, which he always left hanging on the seats and connected it to the stereo. The music began to play and be heard inside the van.
Bill grunted and covered himself completely with the blankets until he looked like a caterpillar. Dipper laughed at it. Okay, Bill’s body could sleep all he wanted, after all Dipper was the one who drove. Under no circumstances should Bill be in front of the wheel.
The demon couldn’t stand it anymore and resigned he decided to wake up. “I hope you’re happy.” He said as he got up and walked to his side to sit on the other seat while Dipper handed him a cup of coffee.
“Not yet.” Dipper said, trying to hide a smile while drinking his coffee.
They sat for a moment in silence, enjoying the scenery.
After the Cataclysm two years ago in Gravity Falls, and a few months after Wendy’s wedding, Dipper decided that he hadn’t yet contemplated entering the university immediately, instead he decided to take a trip across the country, discovering more mysteries such as Ford and Stan did, visiting their friends who lived in other states, returning only in summer, but for that there were still a few months left.
Although they had visited the states closest to Oregon, Dipper began to feel that perhaps the remaining months wouldn’t be enough to cover the entire country.
“I’ll guess what you’re thinking.” Bill spoke, Dipper looked at him with attentive eyes. “You want a second road trip after this summer.”
“Do you mind?” Dipper asked, even knowing that Bill would say no.
“Obviously not.” Bill assured him, “If it were for me, we could teleport to any part of the world but you chose the mundane way and I support you in that.” Bill sipped, “And I must admit, it’s more fun this way. I don’t have to see Sixer or Shooting Star for almost a year.”
Dipper rolled his eyes at Bill’s usual self-centeredness. “Tell me that when they don’t try to kill you like years ago.”
“And I solved it in the best way.” Bill snapped his fingers.
“I don’t think making Tom mad, burning The Beast and making Agatha cry was the best way to solve things.” Dipper remembers that after that Bill had at least twelve new people trying to kill him.
“Still.” Bill finger gunned at him.
Dipper sighed, “I keep thinking about why I fall in love with you.”
“Because I did it first.” Bill said.
Dipper knew that Bill wasn’t trying to sound romantic or anything like that – Bill had his own strange, disturbing, and charming way of do it – But those words made him take a flight to his heart. His cheeks felt warm.
“Oh, right.” Bill reacted, standing up from his seat and going back to the back of the van. He seemed to look for something in the tangle of blankets under Dipper’s watchful eye, “Here!” Bill yelled triumphantly. A small black box was in his hand. The demon returned to his seat. “I hope you like it, the shape was easy to do but to know how to give it to you was complicated.”
Dipper saw Bill extend the black box to him, he took it between his hands, when opening he saw a small, pine tree-shaped, blue gem. Taking it between his fingers he realized that it was a necklace.
“I know it’s not your silly heart holiday yet – ” Bill didn’t finish speaking as he was embraced by Pine Tree.
“Thank you.” Dipper thanked. Bill smiled warmly and returned the hug. Separating a few seconds later, “I still don’t even know what to give you.”
Bill took Dipper’s hand, “You’ve already done it.”
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sainadazai · 4 years ago
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Chapter 1
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Welcome to U.A highschool!
How you got in, you had no clue, but you were thrilled none-the-less as you approached the large building on the first day of school. See, compared to the others at your entrance exam, you hadn't really stood out.
It was a really tough time considering your whole life was spent getting ready for that moment, but you truly underestimated the people you were up against.
One boy, was flying around on burst of fire, knocking out robot after robot, and you were knelt on the floor still disassembling your first one. Throughout it you couldnt stop comparing your own skills to everyone else's, and everyone else seemed better.
So it came as a huge suprise when a hologram of all-might himself announced that you had been scored second place out of all the applicants. Coming in at 68 points. Maybe the stress kept you from actually counting how many robots you had rendered immobile, or completely turned to mush.
After thinking about it, the test really had been catered to your quirk, you were bound to succeed. Quirk- metal shift vs a ton of robots? Why had you been so worried?
The confidence boost from your score led you to this day, a prideful glint in your eyes as you marched through the halls of U.A. trying to find your class.
Rounding a corner, the sight of a large door with 1A on it met your eyes. Why had the door been so tall? Would there be giants in your class? Is that even a quirk that exists?
So many questions circled your mind, as well as excitement. See, spending your earlier years training all the time had really impacted your social life, or lack-there-of. Being busy means no friends, being a nerd means no friends, being cocky means, you guessed it- no friends.
A hero school had to be different, though. Everyone here would understand the need to focus on work, theyd just be able to work together with you. Opening the door, your face held excitement for the possible friends on the other side. Excitement to have conversations with people, instead of your cat, mochi.
What you didnt account for was how scary it would be for somebody who spent the last 16 years being friends with a cat, to talk to other girls. Or boys. Or anyone.
"Hi, my names mina ashido! I saw you at the exam. Your so cool!"
There she was, a pink skinned girl with beautiful curly hair shaking around in an afro as she spoke. Her black and yellow eyes shiny and focused on you. She had you cornered between her well-toned body and the door, jumping around and advancing.
It must've been years since anyone but your mom had called you 'cool'. Must have been months since another kid innitiated conversation with you. Were you meant to know what to say? Were you supposed to be sorry? That was ussually what you said when people confronted you like this at your old school.
A smile was spread across her round cheeks, so she must not be upset with you. Was it an upset smile? Well, best to just apologize and wait to talk to someone more calm.
You tried to tame your wide eyes and flustered stance before looking the ground and muttering an apology.
Little did you know how her face dropped in confusion at the interaction. She had just wanted to make friends after all. Mina had really not understood the apology either, sure that she had definitely given you a complement.
However a green haired boy entered the room and she was quickly distracted.
A new problem arose now. Where to sit? The plan to be friendly and extroverted had taken a fatal plumet, so in the old y/ns nature, you settled at the seat closest to the back. A boy with dual colored hair sat in the desk next to you, looking fairly unbothered by the other students.
Assuming this wasn't on purpose, you figured you'd try again with the friends thing. So after setting your bag down and sitting quietly in your seat. Allowing the ruffles of your skirt to become even more-so.
"Uhm, hi?" You tilted your head at him, in question with yourself.
His eyes lifted from what he was reading to see if he recognized you, when he didn't they returned to his book. Staring only a side glance.
Well there goes your big ol ego from the exam results. Guess you'll take a jump back into the sea of self doubt.
You slumped sadly in your seat, the boy was quite pretty, hair vibrant red and shining white. Pale skin, all over except for a large scar over his eye. You wondered if it hurt? Or was it old enough to just be a painful memory? Was it even a scar, it could be a birthmark?
Thoughts circled your head like that often, you were just always so curious. How could you not be curious when you knew so little?
Shifting uncomfortable in your seat, and relentlessly shraightening your uniform you caught on to the other conversations in the room.
A mean looking boy sat with his feet on the desk, while another frantically told him to stop. It was quite the funny scene, you even found yourself smiling at it. How can it be so easy for them, you wished you had maybe taken more time to read on social dynamics before applying here.
Maybe you could read more about it when you got home? I'd be nice to interact like that some day.
A green haired boy looked very flustered as he spoke with a female classmate. Everyone seemed to be in the class, you counted 20 people.
"If your just here to make friends then you can pack up your stuff now"
I looked all around me but couldnt tell where that deep voice came from. Must be an authoritive figure, or else why would he threaten our places here?
Still not finding the origin of the voice, it spoke again.
"Welcome to U.A.'s hero course.." The monotone of it was quite jarsh, but the voice was soothing in a way. Deep and rumbley and soothing? Your thoughts were getting ahead of you, really.
Then, over by the entrance, a yellow caterpillar stood up and unzipped itself. Wait, what?
Out stepped a black haired man, dressed in a long sleave shirt.
"It took eight seconds for you to shut up, thats not gonna work. Time is precious."
He completely dropped his shell of yellow to the floor.
"Rational students would understand that."
Four students stood right in front of the man, shock and disbelief on their faces. Why hadnt they realized he is our teacher? Are they dumb? If so, how'd they get into U.A.?
From the way he refered to us and his assertive tone, he must be the teacher. Thats also made obvious by our current lack of teacher, him being the only adult in the room. What was that yellow thing though?
"Hello, Im shota aizawa, your teacher."
Yes, you knew that. However, it seems everyone surrounding you was taken aback by this. All simotaneously gasping at his statement.
"Right, lets get to it, put these on and head outside" he held up a p.e. uniform, clear enough instruction.
So students shuffled around to grab uniforms and head to bathrooms til we all made it outside.
-
"What!? A quirk assesment test!?" The whole class question, too loudly for your liking.
However you did question on the inside. It would make sense your teacher wanted to scope your abilities now, that way progress could be measurable. It would also help him know what he is working with.
A squeaky voiced girl worried about missing orientation, but you were dreaming that anyway. You wanted to be a hero, and it wasnt allowed to use your quirk elsewhere. So this was possibly the best start to the day.
"You've been taking standardized tests most of your lives, but you never got to use your quirk before."
Bold of him to assume. You hadn't actually learned that cheating was bad until the age of 10 so, until then, you used your quirk for everything. Cheating tests included, but it would be fun to see how this played out.
The faces around you were all focused and stiff, ready for whatever task this would present. The dual haired boy being amongst those stiff faces, but his seemed almost bored. He didn't really act like he wanted to be her at all.
That made you mad, why even come if you don't wanna be here? Its so hard to get in here, and there were other people like you out there, who have wanted this since they were born. He would waste a spot just so he could be bored?
"Bakugou, you managed to get the most points on the entrance exam," Mr.Aizawa adresses that boy you were worried about.
You remembered his face, how he was beating you so fluidly the whole time. However, if he scored highest, your only one rank below him. Hope he is a strong competidor for first, so it'll be all the more glorifying when you take that spot from under him.
"What was your furthest throw with a softball, when you were in junior high?"
"67 meters i think..."
"Right. Try doing it with your quirk. "
-
"Anything goes, just stay in the circle. Go on, your wasteing our time."
"Alright man, you asked for it.." He stretched his arms, confidence written all over his face.
What a fun rival, if only you could actually speak with him. If this is what all of you will have to do, not sure how succecful you can be. You quirk is awesome for sparring and combat, but throwing a ball? Your gonna have to figure that one out quick, before you start of the year with a bad grade.
The blonde swung his arm back, and around in a baseball pitch motion. Then as he release it, some sort of explosion emmited from his hand. Softball no where to be seen, you glanced around at my fellow students. Shock, especially the green haired boy, they were all shocked.
You wanted to be shocked, but you were aware of his power, he really didn't go all out in the entrance exam at all. This blasting was way stronger than what you saw him using on robots.
Yet, you werent shocked, you were impressed, excited, thrilled to have other strong quirks around.
You had to know everyones quirks as soon as possible, you had to make friends. This is why you came here, to be a hero. So when you glanced to your side, at the scar boy with a stone face, another thing was added to your list.
You were gonna get him to want to talk to you.
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juggiehasmyheart17-blog · 7 years ago
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Ordinary Days 5
Jughead had woke early the next day and went to work on the farm, not bothering to wake Betty up. Dakota reluctantly followed Jughead when he called her. They worked that day in the north field, Jughead whacking away at the weeds that covered the area. He thought back to the woman sleeping soundly in his house and the baby the grew inside her. Betty had a doctor's appointment that afternoon that he would drive her to. He imagined this was her from prenatal appointment. He didn't know how far along she was, he didn't have knack for the natural occurrences with pregnancies. Jellybean probably knew right away when she saw her how far along she was. Jellybean was always in tune to motherhood even before she was a mother herself. Jughead’s thoughts lessened as a tune from his childhood popped in his head. He imagined holding a baby wrapped in a blanket while Betty slept next to him on his bed. With the scene vivid in his head, he began to sing. Caterpillar in the tree, How you wonder who you'll be Can't go far but you can always dream Wish you may and wish you might Don't you worry hold on tight I promise you that there will come a day Butterfly fly away And yes I still don't understand It's not anything we planned Kind of makes you think it's meant to be I always knew the day would come You'd stop crawling, start to run Beautiful as beautiful can be Dakota sat next to Jughead and began to howl. Jughead stopping singing and looked at her. “Really is it that bad?” Dakota barked at him as if to say yes. Jughead laughed and figured the baby wouldn't mind his bad singing. Betty woke up to an empty bed and an empty hallway. She had quickly grow accustomed to sharing a bed with Anna and Dakota not being far off in the hallway. But this morning the house was bare and quiet. She went downstairs and poured her a cup of coffee that Jughead had ready in a pot. She sipped on her coffee slowly, the morning sickness not allowing a quicker pace. She had decided the night before she would make herself useful and do some things around the house so she walked around the house trying to find a task. She noticed an extra room in the back of the house that she hadn't seen before. It was unlocked but hard to get inside like something was pressed up against the door. She gave it a harder shove and made her way inside. There were things scattered all over the room. From clothes to knick knacks, old photo albums, and China sets. Betty decided to start organizing, she didn't know why those things were there or who they belonged to but she decided it could at least be tidy. A few hours later, the room was still quite disarrayed but she had made slight progress. She sat on the floor organizing one of the boxes when she found an old Polaroid camera. She smiled down at it and snapped a picture of the box to see if the camera still worked. She grinned when a hard copy picture came out the bottom. A rustling sound came for the kitchen which she assumed was Jughead since it was getting closer to the time of her appointment. She left the room with the camera in hand and entered the kitchen where Jughead was making sandwiches, Dakota laying at his feet. Dakota perked up at the sight of Betty, who quickly put a finger to her mouth so Dakota would stay quiet. The dog obeyed and sat still on the kitchen floor. Betty put the camera's lens up to her face and took a picture of Jughead's stance. He looked so good from behind, well really he looked good from any angle. With the sound of the camera clicking, Jughead turned around. “Where did you find that?” He asked when taking in the sight of the camera. “Oh, in that back room, I started cleaning it. Figured I'd make myself useful.” Jughead nodded, “That's my mother's camera. That back room is where all my parents’ things are.” Betty reminded Jellybean telling her just the day before that their parents had passed away a few years apart. “I'm sorry, Jughead. I'll put it back.” Jughead shook his head. “No, no. Keep it. My mom would like to know it's being used.” He said with a small smile. “Now eat up, gotta be healthy for the doctor.” He said placing two plates on the table. Betty chuckled and obliged sitting down at the table. Once they were finished their lunch, they headed off to the doctor's appointment. Like everything else in this town the closest doctor was in “downtown” Lanesboro, if you could even call it downtown. The drive would be 45 minutes and the whole way Betty leg bounced and her head raced. Jughead noticed her state and looked her way, “Are you okay?” Betty nodded and took a deep breath. “I'm just nervous. I haven't gone to the doctor yet. What if something's wrong with the baby? What if the Doctor figures out the timing is wrong? That the baby's not yours?” Jughead covered her shaking hand with his, “Relax. It's 2017 the doctor won't care.” Betty scoffed, “yeah that's what I thought too, then my mother happened.” She exclaimed shaking her head. “Your mother is not here. Relax.” He said kissing her hand softly, making her blush. The rest of the car ride went swiftly and they were parked and inside in a flash. Betty sat in the waiting room, Jughead sat next to her. She filled out the various questions about her family history, and her own health. She stopped hesitantly at the part reserved for prenatal patients. Her hand coasted over the line asking for the father's name. She let out a small sigh and scribbled along the line. Jughead Jones. She chuckled and scratched it out replacing it with Forsythe Jones. “Betty Jones?” The nurse called out making Betty stand and walk towards her. Jughead walked her walk away. Betty stopped abruptly and turned to face Jughead. “Will you come with me?” Jughead's face erupted into a smile as he stood and met her in front of the nurse. Betty smiled and put her hand into his, she needed all the support she could get. Betty took deep breathes as she laid on the cold examination table. Jughead warm hands were a stark contrast, his thumb rubbing against her hand. The nurse smiled down at her as she applied the ultrasound gel and began the screening process. Betty gripped tighter to Jughead’s hand which was turning white under her grip. He started to hum softly under his breath, a similar tune to the one he had sang in the north field that morning. Betty smiled and closed her eyes focusing on the soft tune he hummed. “Okay Mrs. Jones, would you like pictures of your ultrasound?” The nurse asked and Betty quickly replied with a yes. The nurse smiled, “Alright, I will go get your pictures and the doctor will come in and explain the results.” Betty nodded with a deep breath trying to combat her shallow breaths. She sat up on the table and close her eyes again as Jughead rubbed her back slowly. “Mrs. Jones, Mr. Jones,” The doctor announced as he entered. “You will be very please to know the baby is healthy with no signs of future illness.” Betty grinned ear to ear at the news. “I told you not to worry.” Jughead said placing a kiss on her temple, to which she blushed. “It looks as though you are 4 months along, your morning sickness should lessen.” He explained, “There are apps on your phone that can help you keep track of your baby's growth and what symptoms to expect during that month. Now would like to know the sex of the baby?” Betty looked to Jughead with questioning eyes. He shook his head, “It's your baby.” He whispered. She sigh and looked back to the doctor. “Yes, please.” The doctor stood proudly beaming, “It’s a girl.” The car ride home consisted of Betty staring at the baby's picture and her softly repeating, “it's a girl.” She snapped a quick photo with her phone and sent it to Jellybean explaining that it was a girl. Then she sent an identical message to her sister Polly. While Jellybean’s response was ecstatic, Polly's was melancholy. That's great, Betty. “I wish the baby would look like you.” Betty lamented. Jughead smiled to himself, “what does the father look like?” He asked immediately regretting it. “He has dark hair and olive skin, an Asian I would say.” “You didn't know him well?” Betty scoffed and stared out the window, “No, barely at all.” A tear rolled down her face as she thought of the whirlwind weekend that threw away her life. Jughead sighed inaudibly wishing he hadn't said a word to her. “This weekend, we can go to the store and get supplies to decorate the baby's room if you'd like.” Jughead suggested. Betty smiled softly thinking of what the room would look like. “Maybe purple? Or light blue?” “I think that would be very pretty.” Jughead said with a smile. “How about a city theme like Berkeley?” Betty shook her head with a smile. “A farm theme, after all that's where she belongs, on a farm with you and me.” They arrived home and they both went their separate ways. Neither were hungry and both exhausted from the day. Once again Dakota took a neutral place in the hallway.
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spacetalker · 7 years ago
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​​ “tell me what you know about space.” that is what you (third year astronomy major with an interest in astrophysics and a hopeful intern with space x) told me (writer and amateur star gazer) and i can tell you all i know, but that is not very much as i remember only what mr reynolds taught me in 8th grade earth science and passages about stars and orbits in standardized tests. i can tell you that the planets orbit the sun and not the other way around and that we are only one small planet in a sea of supernovas and asteroids and supergiants, that the order of the planets from closest to the sun goes mercury, venus, earth, mars, jupiter, saturn, uranus, neptune, and maybe pluto. i can tell you that there are eight people in space right now (according to a website i have bookmarked that is checked every single day) and i think that it is very scary to be surrounded by that much physical darkness, and that there are thousands of satellites orbiting the earth. but that is all i know, at least what i can remember because facts are difficult to think of when i am thinking of you and maybe i should tell you about space in a different way. space is the sun, the valedictorian in high school, the nearly perfect score on the act, the full ride scholarship to the college of your dreams. every plastic trophy gained in your little league sports in elementary school, every plastic doll you played with as a kid, every plastic personality you were introduced to. the sun is the center of the universe, until it’s not, until it is again, and then until it is maybe and then finally just the center of our solar system, which may be good enough for most but it is not good enough for them. mercury is one planet i always forget even though it is closest to the sun and therefore should always be the one remembered according to the one psychology theory about order, yes serial position effect, that’s the one. it is small and that i know but oh, was the element named after the planet or was the planet named after the element? it is the way you describe how your friends look at you now and it is las vegas without the slot machines and it is the drive back and forth and back and forth and are we there yet? to the annual summer family vacation and you cannot remember when you stopped looking forward to those. have you talked to her yet? her of course being venus and she is love and when you look at her you think she is beautiful. and she is beautiful, more than that really. and venus also is the one who cheated on you during her time as a camp counselor and maybe it is time to stop beating yourself up over that. she remembers your first kiss and it was not that good but it improved after that and your kisses stopped being individuals and every time your lips touched they did not take much time to become one. venus is every time you sent flowers on valentine’s day and every heart you cut out to tape as decorations on the wall and to you she used to be just a decoration herself but then i hear you talk about her now and my mind forgets how you talked in high school. earth is familiar but it is dying and soon to be destroyed and i am worried there is nothing to fall back on. earth is trying to pinpoint the exact moment you stopped believing in god and when your confessions turned into apologies where you began every statement with sorry. it is the air you breath in everyday and maybe if molecules in the atmosphere were different you would be dead or if jfk wasn’t assassinated we may have never even existed in the first place. it is a house that feels cold now that you are gone and i wonder if i can correctly calculate how differently my heart beats or my mind behaves when you are home. and mars is music which i’m sure does not surprise you that i say that when you remember the david bowie album and me asking you to kill spiders in my room at 2 in the morning. mars is your saxophone and my piano and waking up at 6 am surrounded by off tune notes sung to get us out of bed. it’s the ringing in your ears after a concert and the time that everyone speaks so loudly and your mind becomes fire and every single sound just adds to the flames. jupiter is childhood, the rhyme you’d recite in elementary school and spell icup. jupiter is spelling bees and listening to that one song from nightmare before christmas for 8 hours straight during every road trip taken to chicago. it’s dragonflies we would catch at the lake and the butterflies we would raise from caterpillars and when you would comfort me when we had to release them. jupiter is the time that everything was fine and the only question on your mind was how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? and how many rings do you have to get past to reach saturn? how many barriers did you put up when we passed jupiter and reached a planet with high fences laced with electric shocks and chicken wire? saturn is the period where we never spoke, our bedroom doors closed and our eyes rarely making contact. saturn is the era we were in years ago and the era we are in now. it is the era in between where we knew in the back of our minds that this comfort would not last long. it is every time our debates turn into small talk and our small talk turns into silence. uranus is what our lack of contact turned into. it is rebellion and individuality and when my introduction as the dancer turned into my introduction as the writer and when i noticed you were only introduced by your name and never your title and i have yet to figure out why that was so important to me but i cannot shake the desire i have to know what it is like to not be defined by something like you are. neptune is a deep blue but it is not sad it is the color of missing you. neptune is the blue of the skype icon and seeing you online at 2 am. it is the feeling as my pointer finger hovers over the call button and the hitch in my breath when you suddenly go offline. it is staying up well past that wondering if you are in any way thinking the same. neptune is using the excuse of distance for why we are not like we once were but knowing that we are only 45 minutes apart and i have denied every request of coming to see you. pluto is getting drunk off mom’s and dad’s anniversary wine and looking at old scrapbook photos in the mid afternoon. it is confusion and abandonment and asking myself why i am somehow okay with leaving you behind. it is broken promises and every attempt at mending them. pluto is the day you address your wedding invitations and realize you forgot to make me a bridesmaid. it is calling me just to ask what street i live on and it is the silence before one of us decides to hang up. and there are the stars that are full of memories, where every constellation is a story. and every night i look to see which stars i can point out and which constellations i can remember because they are becoming the only way to think of you in a way that doesn’t remind me of planets and the blackness between them. so tell me not what facts you know or new theories you learned during a lecture but what you think of black holes and asteroids and empty space and why we decided to suddenly become two separate galaxies when we were once just two people on the same planet. ​- space is silent (but i’m not) ​
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treadmilltreats · 6 years ago
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Broken for a cause
I have to say everytime I need a message, I pray about it and God gives it to me. On the way to church yesterday I prayed that he would give me a word.
I've been down, I've been tired and I have thought maybe all of this is in vain, that maybe my season is never going to come.
Basically I've been in a funk for months now and really needed a word. Well, I got it with this one.
See a lot of us dont realize that our brokenness is there for a lesson, yet we try to avoid it, we don't want it. We want a perfect life, free of drama and of hurt.
But it is the wisdom and the strength we get from our brokenness that makes us better.
Yet, it is not until you hit rock bottom that you give it up to him.
Who are you going to call when you have no one else? It's always God, we all call out to him in our darkest days.
I remember when I hit rock bottom, I tired to do it all on my own but here I was on my knees. Crying out for help, for his help. Even when I turned my back on him, when I cursed him, when I no longer believed, it was in my darkest moment, that I turned to him.
We think why does God allow this to happen to us?
We call out to him, why God why?
So many people miss their purpose, in their brokenness, they miss the calling of God.
Jesus even said he didnt like what was going on, he even asked why have you forsaken me? It was even hard for him in human flesh.
But he knew God was using him, he knew God had a bigger plan, that through his pain, good would come out of it.
Grow though your brokenness, then you will grow self confidence that you were made wonderfully, in his eyes.
You cannot have faith if there is no chaos, if there is no drama in your life.
Thank God for your moutiains, thank him for your valleys. Thank him for your issues, for in your problems comes great sucesss. Yes, God allows pain, but it is always for your gain.
It's amazing to see how God uses you during your pain. Yet, We resist the process, we panic, we ask him to reveal himself to us but we don't want to go through what we have to, to get to him.
We aak God for a lot of things but we are not prepared to go through the fire to get them. We don't realize that we are closest to God in our brokenness.
Some people think that they are incapable of moving past their hurts.
That these situations are there to weaken you and not for your growth.
You have allowed your brokenness to paralyze you, to take you to your knees crying out in pain before you will learn your lesson.
See the world has yet to see the real you, there are so many gifts in the inside of you, he has used all of your brokenness so you can be the best you can be, the best he intended you you to be.
Sometimes you feel powerless and they try to pressure you in every area of your life and you think you can't take it anymore. Then here comes God, giving you a message and in my case has to throw in my bible verse so I will know without a doubt that this message was for me
Romans 8.28
All things work together for good.
For those who are called according to his purpose.
It's always a word I need to hear, he is always a on time God, maybe just not mine time. Yes, I am learning that as well.
Your not always going you have peace, that everything is going to go well.
It's all of it together, that God uses for you good.
You will miss lives teachable moments to become a better person if you are not looking for the lessons.
So many people missed their teachable moments in life because they are so caught up in their pain.
He uses the breakup so he can perfect in you, your self worth. He uses the drama of life to perfect himself in you. But you have to pass the next class! You have to learn your lessons, you have to graduate first.
Life's experiences are opportunities to grow in your life. You need to reajust your thinking, he won't do it unless it is for a purpose.
Success can emerged out of failure, he will break you, to achieve this.
You are an empowered person of God, dont come out empty handed in this life.
Your brokenness is to make you better and not bitter. Your brokeness is too empower others, to pull others out ....
All of your brokenness is designed for your good and he shows himself when you cannot find yourself.
When you cant make sense of where he is, when you feel like your taking 2 steps forward and 4 steps backwards. When nothing makes sense, he will show himself.
Please don't think for one minute that you are broken for nothing, it is for a cause, for his glory.
Every day I thank him for every moutain I had to climb, I thank him for everyone who hurt me, who did me wrong. I thank him for everyone who said I couldn't do this.
So today my friends, if you will start looking at your brokeness like this, when you start looking for the lessons, you will no longer look at your brokeness the same way.
"Be the change you want to see"
  "And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"
**Coming soon my latest book:
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surveys-at-your-service · 7 years ago
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Survey #119
“she’s the type who likes to leave on all the lights.”
Are you friends with any bands?  No. How do you deal with oppressive heat?  Act like I'm dying because I probably slowly am. What’s one thing that people definitely CAN’T count on you for? Remembering something. What about something they definitely can count on you for?  An open ear. What’s one food that you want to try but haven’t yet?  Hmmmm... I know there's some, just nothing's coming to me. If you’re home alone and someone knocks on the door, what do you do?  I ignore it.  I don't check through windows or anything in fear of the person seeing me.  If you're coming to my house, let me know. Let’s say you received a gift from someone and open it in front of them – and it’s something you absolutely hate. How do you react?  Thank them anyway and act appreciative towards the kindness.  I usually won't actually say "I like it" unless they ask. If a friend suggested that you two were to do something/go somewhere, and you really didn’t want to, would you be more likely to just go along with it anyway or speak up? If I really didn't want to and we were close, I'd say no. What’s one book that you have read that will stick with you forever? "Johnny Got His Gun" by Dalton Trumbo.  I was strictly anti-war beforehand, but that book turned me into a full-blown pacifist. What type of movies do you get into the easiest? Paranormal ones. If you could learn to play any instrument, what would you pick? Guitar or piano or violin, idk. How do you feel upon seeing someone who’s missing an appendage?  I feel pity, but I feel no different towards them as a person. Why is your favorite store your favorite? They have clothing and accessories that best match my aesthetic. Would you let your child have a pet?  Depends on the pet, the child's age, and my faith in their responsibility level. Where were you raised and what’s it like?  I was raised in a bad neighborhood.  Lots of crime, gangs.  It was scary, yet at the same time, it wasn't the worst place in the world.  Good memories, bad memories. Do you get along with your best friend’s parents?  I'll find that out soon. Do you tend to become nervous when you know change is inevitable?  YES.  I don't like change. Are you a patient person when it comes to relationships?  Very. Do you prefer to hang out in groups?  Meh, depends on my mood. Would you ever consider styling your hair as a mohawk? Nope. Assuming you have blown bubbles in your milk before, were you yelled at for doing it as a kid?  No. Have you ever put on or lost a significant amount of weight?  I've done both. On a scale of 1-5, how often do you curse? 5. @_@ How is your posture?  It's fine, but I lean a bit to the right. Have you ever taken an Uber or Lyft? No. Do you shop on Black Friday? Only online. What do you dip chicken nuggets in?  Honey mustard or ketchup. Has your ex ever gone out with someone close to you?  No. Do you pay attention to how much you eat?  I think I'm overly conscious about it by this point. Does your town/city offer a lot of opportunity for your future career, or would you get more out of living somewhere else?  I'd have far more opportunity elsewhere, probably.  Well... maybe not.  I want to be a wedding photographer, and there's not many of those here.  But where I live isn't exactly a gorgeous place to get married. What's more painful: Tattoos or piercings?  Piercings hurt more.  They're super quick, but the pain is definitely more severe. Does your ex live in the same town as you?  None of them do. Do you have any of your teachers on Myspace/Facebook?  Previous teachers, yes. What comes up when you google your name?  The Instant Checkmate site. Where’s the closest church to you? Do you attend it?  Not even a minute away, and no. Dr. Pepper or Root Beer?  I hate root beer, but I'm not big on Dr. Pepper either. Do you have a firepit in your yard?  No. Who do you talk to about personal problems?  Mom or Sara. Have you ever captured a moth?  I had a "pet" caterpillar when I was a kid and it turned into a moth that I released, if that counts. How long have you been dating the person you’re with? A few days from five months. Did you have a tree house when you were a child?  No. What is something that makes you grumpy?  Being really hungry. What school teams or clubs are/were you apart of?  National Honors Society, National Art Honors Society You can get a $1,000 gift card to any store you want, what is it?  Hot Topic. What’s the longest book you’ve ever read? How long did it take you?  I think "Not Without My Daughter."  I was really invested in it, so I doubt less than two weeks. Should a convicted murderer have the same right to be on the organ donor waiting list as anyone else?  I mean I guess?  A valuable organ is a valuable organ. How is your blood pressure?  This may have changed since I've come off many medicines, but mine at least was usually concerningly low.  I always had to explain to doctors it was normal for me. Have you ever stalked or killed a wild animal?  No. Ever had a rumor spread about you?  Yes, that Jason and I had a baby.  Even though I was obviously never pregnant.  His ex started it. What would you want to be written on your tombstone?  Probably "but you took it like a woman," a reference to an Alice Cooper song. Ever kissed someone’s hand?  Yes. Have you ever ran for class president?  No. Are you a rather gullible person?  Not really. If it had to be only daytime or nighttime all day, which would you choose?  As much as I like the night, daytime.  Humans and most animals are diurnal, so it'd be very difficult to adjust to that. When was the last time you went camping?  I've never been properly camping. Did you play with Play-Doh as a kid? Hell yeah dude. Have you ever found a four leaf clover?  True shit, I found a patch of them in our front yard the day after Dad left. Do you own a raincoat?  No. Are you fascinated by outer space?  Yes yes yeees!  I'm scared of it also, though. Is there a tree outside your window?  Yeah. What season would you want to get married in? Autumn. Have you ever tried Akinator? Yeah. Do you swear in front of children? No. Are you good at catching things? NO.  My hand-eye coordination is shit. What’s the biggest bruise you’ve ever had?  I'm not sure... but I'm guessing one of my knees since they've seen some shit. How would you react if you had a particularly unusual pain or ache? Tell my mother.  Although I usually look it up online if she's not home and it's always a bad idea because I'll find something awful, and then my anxiety kicks up lmao. What’s something that you like wearing, but you don’t actually wear it often? Skinny jeans.  I never wear jeans anymore. How often do you paint your nails?  Never. Which one thing made you cry the hardest?  It definitely related to my breakup.  I think that actual night, I didn't cry as much as me being in shock.  Wait... no, pretty sure it was after Mom caught me running for a knife that night.  I sobbed my fucking lungs out. Could you fall in love with someone, despite what they might look like? Yup. If someone was crying to themselves in public, would you ask if they’re OK?  Absolutely.  As socially inept as I am, I'd still feel awful if I didn't. Ever fingered a girl?  No. Do your parents still hide eggs around the house for Easter?  No. Do you wear choker necklaces?  When I wear necklaces, sometimes. When was the last you ran a mile?  High school. Do you have a big butt?  No. Are you pro-life or pro-choice?  I'd say I'm mostly pro-life, but I believe abortion is acceptable in some cases. What color is your phone?  Really dark navy. Do you know more than two digits of pi?  No. Do you have any STDs?  No. Do you have a favorite NASCAR driver?  No. Who’s your celebrity crush?  Mark Fischbach. Have you ever had any article of clothing tailored? What for?  Yes, a prom dress and bridesmaid dress. What are two foods you think taste good with whipped cream?  I HATE WHIPPED CREAM. When you see a feather on the ground, do you ever pick it up?  If it's cool, I'll probably keep it. If you eat it, what is your favorite way to eat beef?  Burgers. When was the last time you had a pet goldfish? What was its name?  I couldn't tell you, dude. What are the three events this year you are looking forward to?  Seeing Sara in literally two days, probs getting a new tattoo, hopefully returning to my healthy weight or get at least close. Do you prefer nail polish with sparkles in it, or matte colors? I don't wear nail polish like ever, but matte. Would you rather hold hands or link arms with your significant other?  Hold hands. Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret?  Yeah. Do you like getting hurt? Uhhh no I'm not a masochist. Do you believe in destiny?  No, I believe in free will. Do you have any birthmarks?  Yes, on the left side of my left arm. Have you ever watched anyone sleep? There were times where I'd still be up on the laptop at Jason's and look over at him and smile.  But it was never more than just a few seconds. Do you ever go back and read stories or books you read when you were a child?  Not for myself.  The only times I've ever done that is when I'm reading to Aubree. Have you and a partner ever had “a song”? My ex and I had two and Sara and I have about five thousand lmao. Do you think that it is okay for men to cry, or is it only okay under certain circumstances? Of fucking course it's okay. What is one of your favorite movie quotes?  "My mama always said, 'Life was like a box of chocolates.  You never know what you're gonna get.'"  From Forrest Gump. Describe your teeth:  Normal, just wish they were a bit whiter. What is one thing you look forward to every day?  A Markiplier video. What is one thing you dread every day?  Trying to go to sleep at night.  I like sleeping, just not tossing and turning until it happens. When was the last time you cleaned your ears via QTip?  Forever ago because they're the reason I got wax adhered to my eardrum from pushing it back too deep.  I use a different tool now. What's the longest you’ve lived without electricity?  Just like overnight and a few hours. Name all of the alcoholic beverages you have tried:  Daiquiris, sangrias, and margaritas are the only ones I like, but I used to have a sip of wine in Catholic school and also this disgusting coconut thing Nicole had. Name all the types/brands of cigarettes you have tried:  I've never smoked. Do you like to do puzzles (crosswords, word find, Sudoku, etc.)?  Yes. What is the most alcohol you’ve drank in a night?  I think five and a half daiquiris.  New Years 2017. Have you been to see an opera?  No. Have you ever been stung by anything? What?  A bumblebee. Is there anything you dislike about your house?  We don't have two bathrooms. What do you like to put on bagels?  Cream cheese. Do you like orange juice?  So long it doesn't have pulp, I love it. If you had to choose, which bug isn't ugly?  There's a number.  I love butterflies, ladybugs, moths, and caterpillars. Have you ever had an ulcer?  No. Do you have any rare medical conditions?  AvPD and (inactive) MRSA. The first time you remember being hospitalized, what was it for? Being suicidal. What does your favorite necklace look like? It's a spiked choker. If you crack your knuckles, do you crack them one at a time, or all at the same time?  I don't crack my knuckles. Do you sneeze into your hand or into the crook of your arm when you don’t have a tissue? The latter. Do you hate when grapes have seeds in them?  It doesn't bother me. Have you ever heard of Bananas in Pajamas? Yeah, my older sister loved that show.
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buddyfaith · 8 years ago
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I just failed an online quiz for class so I’m gonna do a longwinded character assessment that brittany reblogged for mama debeste to cheer myself up. feel free to challenge me on anything tbh.
1) I sort of like the idea that mama debeste was also a foster kid, but like- she’s 8 or so years removed from her foster siblings? like I don’t think there’s anyone in her age group to hang out with. I think she’s closest to the youngest brother? he’s 7 years older than her or something and usually was the one who was sent to ~babysit~ but actually this little kid is sort of neat. Self-same brother isn’t dead but he’s not. there. I sort of like the idea of military deployment for him. they exchange letters when they can.
2&3) okay so I’m finally gonna make up a healthy marriage and it’s these people. the Fosters (lmao) are a very elderly couple who suffered heavily from Empty Nest Syndrome in like the 70s and have been taking kids in ever since. They are VERY OLD but very kind.
-mama foster is a short woman who likes to garden even though it sometimes fucks with her Arthritis. She’s very plainspoken and knows exactly what the internet is but has some trouble accessing it by herself. Her sense of humor is very deadpan, which doesn’t match her face at all but that makes it much better. mama debeste is a Good Kid who picks tomatoes and collects caterpillars in jars. mama foster has some trouble with younger kids because sarcasm is hard sometimes and her temper is a little short but she loves mama debeste. mama debeste’s favorite part of the usual day-to-day is watching wheel of fortune with her.
-dad foster is a guy who likes to hike. its getting hard for him but he can still go thanks to his kids. they go whenever they can and picnic. mama debeste sometimes gets a little ahead of him to put the collected caterpillars back into the wild. anyway dad foster has like an incredible appreciation for nature and I’m sorely tempted to make him a Bob Ross-esque landscape painter. he’s the kind of dad that gives you candy before dinner and winks. he connects easily to mama debeste because she’s young and likes to get dirty and messes up a picturesque scene just right enough for it to be painted.
when the kids grow up the Fosters have pretty much come to accept that they’ll lose contact with them. mama debeste was determined to not do that and visited regularly but then her own kid died. She went back to see the Fosters for help and they told her that it wasn’t right, not so soon, but losing children is as much a part of life as losing parents, and that she can still come back from it. Mama debeste told them she was leaving for Zheng Fa and they told her to be careful, to be safe, to be smart, and to be kind above all. They were smiling when they said it but there was an air of finality about it, because they knew they had lost her, too.
4) aside from her house burning down with her child inside??
I like to think that her and her brother went wandering around on streets and stuff together and saw some regular stuff yknow. stray animals helping each other, hurting each other, people doing about the same.
Once her brother punched a guy in the face on the subway for spitting at someone and that sort of justified retaliation always stuck with her.
5) mama debeste carries around a swiss army knife like a girl scout, a shitty plastic cigarette lighter, a keychain that was probably a gift that has her house keys on it, two or three pieces of nicotine gum, an instant camera, and her wallet (which in turn contains her driver’s license, Interpol id, library card, two credit cards in Blaise’s name, several pictures of the kiddos, and about $400 in nonconsecutive twenties)
6) mama debeste dreams of her kid. like. what they (he, I’m vaguely leaning towards) would be like growing up and stuff. she also dreams of Zheng Fa and the forest.
7) mama debeste killing people maybe unnecessarily is kind of my jam and they don’t haunt her per se but sometimes she trips over their bodies literally. sometimes she imagines shooting herself because what the hell, she’s a bad person. anyway mama debeste also hates funerals so probably those too and [fire noises].
Silence, notably, too. If you’ve got kids there should never be silence. if you’re anywhere natural there should never be perfect silence.
8) hi welcome to Interpol here’s a paper target except we didn’t tell you there was a watermelon behind the head so that the red explosion would disturb you into perhaps not firing sometimes.
(it failed.)
9) the Fosters are actually fairly well off despite having So Many Kids with expensive extracurriculars and stuff? because they had like, regular people expenditures, it was a little bit more of a natural life. Blaise’s blood money is far less wholesome which is one reason mama debeste goes to such great lengths to get rid of it fast and frivolously. She burns the money in an attempt to warm the home.
10) mama debeste is a sundress lady or a biker leather lady with no inbetween. The former is an expression of serenity and safety. I think the latter gives her more confidence, like the Interpol days.
11) she couldn’t get back into her fucking burning house. the second time she felt so scared was when she realized phoenix was in the second house doomed to fall.
(there were little bits, in the middle, where she lost phoenix in a crowd or sebastian swallowed something he shouldn’t have.)
12) lmao marrying blaise debeste actually. she’s shot people with less conviction, less assurance than she had standing on the altar.
on a calm of a different note, the forest is her friend and the first time she saw phoenix try to paint a tree was great.
13) HAHAHAHAHA next question. (idk if mama debeste: forensics expert is exactly canon but she’s definitely less sensitive to blood than she should be)
14) mama debeste will never forget a face as long as she lives.
15) mama debeste is concerned with the concept of Doing and will blow through all of blaise’s blood money so that her kids can like, have experiences and stuff, but her preoccupation is more spending and acquisition than frugality or anything.
16) let mama debeste be happy 2kwhatever. she knows she probably never will be so she tries to make others happy.
17) her brother made mama debeste a teddy bear out of felt and button eyes and pillow stuffing. he told her later it was because he was really attached to the one he was supposed to Hand Me Down to her but that’s only half-truth. Its name is Growls.
18) probably wisdom considering “ambition” burned her crops and poisoned the kid’s groundwater honestly? blaise seems like the kind to both hide behind and weaponize that word.
19) mama debeste doesn’t say anything. like she’s the ultimate in something is bothering her but she sticks to the gentle smile persona and lets wounds fester until its way too late. this trait is kicked up to eleven with blaise and the kids, which is part of the reason that phoenix has such a sunny memory of her.
20) I don’t think she does compare herself to anyone except for Greg and Desiree Delite. The former is for validation in her parenting style. the latter is when she’s really loathing herself and thinking about what she could do if she would just fucking leave blaise and this petty revenge shit behind and take the kids somewhere–
21) I mean technically the only bad thing that really happens to mama debeste that’s her fault is that she fucking dies and she knows it. she takes sole responsibility for that.
she splits responsibility with people she killed because tbh most of them sort of. deserved it.
she blames blaise for almost one hundred percent for everything else.
22) mama debeste appreciates honesty and kindness. she likes thoughtfulness and dedication to a hobby. she also likes good parents.
23) mama debeste will fight the westboro baptist church. she will also fight anything that reminds her of herself before she loved the kids. and also blaise debeste and everything related to him.
24) mama debeste trusts no one except for maybe people that phoenix trusts. She genuinely likes Greg and lets phoenix sleep over there even though she’s only met him a handful of times.
25) hahahaha mama debeste is the ultimate in seeing through people. she’s super suspicious of strangers and people she doesn’t know getting close to the house. acquaintances are graded based on how much they hate blaise (maximum hate being minimum suspicion). the only people close to mama debeste are phoenix and sebastian.
she worries about what might happen to phoenix and sebastian.
26) I’M CALLING HER MAMA DEBESTE FOR A REASON because at the end of her life she’s really really devoted to the safety of her kids. For the long childless period in the middle she believed that kids could be tools for revenge, but she never really lost the mothering touch, as it were. Shi-Long Lang remembers her very very fondly.
27) have you ever played a really long game of clue with someone and they figure out the answer but instead of running to the pool and announcing it they walk into the foyer and shoot the murderer in the face? yeah. the last logic battle with the ~true antagonist~ of aai2 wouldn’t have even happened because she would have shot him on sight.
her conflict with blaise is too personal for that though so they have a marriage of hate and she’s biding her time. I think that once her USE THE CHILDREN plan broke down she lost sight of whatever her goal was which ultimately ended up killing her.
28) mama debeste is a fan of the fists and an even greater fan of shooting things but she does her absolute best to remain passive and unassuming for as long as she possibly can.
29) I think mama debeste wanted to help people? she definitely had like, a brain surgeon phase, but once that passed I think she settled fairly well on public service through Interpol. there was probably a speaker that came to school or something tbh.
30) mama debeste won’t eat mushrooms and passes this trait onto her kids. she hates socks and sandals. wash ya damn hands. blaise debeste. she also isn’t a particular fan of praying mantises specifically.
31) welcome to the forest. three people are there, herself included. One of them is drawing, the other is fumbling around in the picnic basket looking for an orange. it is later in the day, but evening isn’t in the sky yet. The breeze is gentle and smells like pine.
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karenaashbya · 7 years ago
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The Map is Not the Territory
At the beginning of last year, I felt trapped in my own skin. As I described it to a close friend, I said I literally felt like a caterpillar in a cocoon. I could viscerally feel that I was ready for growth and change, but I had no idea what was needed. Was it my work? My physical location? My relationships? My routines? Nothing immediately jumped out at me as an answer.
  And honestly, it kind of sucked. I told my closest people that nothing felt quite right — but nothing was quite wrong, either.
  I realized recently that I’ve been on this body acceptance exploration for over ten years now. And I really think exploration is the best way to describe it: path or journey feel too much like something with an end point. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about body acceptance, it’s that there’s no end point. There’s always more to explore.
  When I first started my own tentative, usually resistant explorations with coming to a more peaceful relationship with my body, I really wanted someone to tell me exactly how to do it. Eat this; don’t eat that. Move like this; don’t move like that. Listen to this inner voice; ignore that one. You will see x progress in y weeks. You’ll know you’re done when z happens.
  In other words, I wanted a diet. A prescription. Something that I could just phone in.
  But there’s no prescription for a relationship with your own body. No one else has ever had this relationship before, so all other people can do is point to signposts and offer some packing tips.
  I’m totally not a map person. In fact, I’m notorious in my family for not being able to figure out how to put two shoes back into a box, much less navigating my way via map. I learn to get around by sight and memory: turn by this tree, the pharmacy is on that corner, then the destination is by that bright green building.
    Earlier this year when I was feeling so uncomfortable, I didn’t do much. I mean, obviously I complained. I feel like that goes without saying. But I actively resisted fixing the feeling. To say that this is unlike me is probably the biggest understatement ever uttered.
  In the past whenever I felt a moment of discomfort, I immediately sought to get rid of it. I’d repress it, deny it, or ignore it. More often, though, I’d act on it. When I wasn’t sure what to do with my work, I’d think, “Why not totally burn it down? Or commit to nineteen more projects?” When I wasn’t sure how to relate to my body, I’d be like, “I need to see these six specialists, read these fifteen books, and buy these thirty five supplements. Tomorrow.” There are so many examples, but they all boil down to this: Feel discomfort. Get rid of it by any means necessary.
    Take a moment here and feel your right hand. Notice whatever sensations arise there.
  And now, be in your right hand. See what happens when you shift your perspective.
  Even if feeling the difference between these two seems impossible right now, I imagine you can sense that a difference does exist. I learned from this Judith Blackstone in her great book Belonging Here, and it has really changed how I relate to my body.
  After a lifetime of distancing myself as far as possible from my body, it took me years to be able to feel my right hand, to be able to locate it internally, sense it in space, know what was going on with it. And it took me even more years to be able to inhabit it, to be in it, to live inside my own skin — and even that is very fleeting, not something I can maintain without conscious effort. But it wasn’t possible for me to know what it was like to inhabit my body until I got here, until I listened, and until I let go of an agenda and just focused on cultivating a relationship with myself. Because there’s no way to predict how long any of this takes; it’s agendaless.
  Which I hate.
  I’m a to-do list gal, a checker offer of all the things, someone who likes a plan. Whenever I’m going somewhere, I have a packing list, know the weather for every day, and have prepared for as many possible contingencies as I can. It stresses me out to no end to just show up and see what happens with minimal preparation.
  And yet.
  When I felt like something was calling me forward this year, how did I know? I felt the feelings of discomfort (which took me years to be able to recognize and name) and then I took no action beyond feeling (which took me years to be able to tolerate).
  I got present with the feelings, I got curious about them, and then I gave them space to breathe. Because there’s a million things I could have done, but listen — I’ve been down that path so. many. times. And sometimes it works! But sometimes I also bulldoze my own life and have many negative consequences.
  This time, I decided not to be in bulldozer mode. I just kept listening and waiting. Reminding myself that I am not a problem to be fixed.
    A few years ago when my husband, Nic, and I visited Portland, Oregon, for the first time, I could feel in my bones that this was a home for me. There’s really no other way to explain it: I just felt more myself in the nature, in the climate, in the approach to life.
  I wanted to move immediately.
  I’m sure Nic would be willing to have a long conversation with you about how crazy I’ve driven him over the years constantly wanting to move. This is one of the balancing acts in our relationship that’s really healthy for both of us, even if it drives us both a little batty sometimes: if it were up to me, we’d move every few years. And if it was up to Nic, we’d never move.
  So we talked about it and realized the time wasn’t right. We’d actually just moved to another house in Nashville. And our lives weren’t aligned for it; Nic would have to find a new job, and a bunch of other details just weren’t ready. So we let it go (well, I only kind of did, but still).
  We visited Oregon again the next year, and again we had a long conversation about moving there. But again, the time wasn’t right. We let it go (well, I only kind of did, but still).
  Then around the middle of this year, my inner sense that a change was not just needed but was actively coming intensified. I could deeply feel in my bones that we were being called forward, but I didn’t know to what or to where. So I did what I always do: I talked with Nic about it. And then I did what I never do: I made space. We planned a trip to Portland to explore the possibility of moving because it felt like we were finally ready — financially, but mostly emotionally. Nashville had held us beautifully for one season of our lives, but we were moving into a new season.
  So we went, and we looked at houses, and we met up with friends, and we just felt how we felt.
  Which was ready.
  When we came back home to Nashville, we talked and breathed and went on long walks, which is where we always access our clearest thoughts. And through that, we knew it was time. We made the decision to move across the country, and things fell into place. I know that if we’d forced this move two years ago, the first time the idea arose, that it wouldn’t have been right. I know that from vast experience: I’ve forced many things to happen in my life that later turned out not to be right. And, of course, I wouldn’t undo any of that — it’s all powerful learning and has brought me to this moment. But this time felt like walking through an open door. Which isn’t to say we didn’t encounter any challenges or that it was easy, but rather that it felt aligned.
    When we moved here, we looked at a map of the various neighborhoods to get a sense of where we wanted to live. And while that did give us some idea of what was where, it wasn’t until we were driving and walking around in them that we knew what felt right. It’s one thing to look at the map. But it’s another thing to be in the territory.
  “The map is not the territory.” I read this quote from Alfred Korzybski a few years ago, and it was one of those moments in life where time seems to stand still. “Yes,” I thought. “Oh my.” Because, of course — looking at a map of Portland isn’t the same as being in the city. Just like having someone tell you the Top 5 Ways to Love Your Body isn’t the same as being in your body, being in relationship with it.
  One can point the way, but the other is the way.
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