#though her feelings are very complicated
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First I cried for him, and then I cried for me. Haunted by the ghost of the girl I used to be.
#portal#portal 2#chell#wheatley#chelley#chell x wheatley#wheatley x chell#sorry is this too much#toxic bisexuality#she doesn’t kill him#what unmedicated ptsd does a mfer#tbf from her pov he deserved it#though her feelings are very complicated#in the heat of rage#wheatley a freak lowkey#they’ll be fine#eventually
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License to Kitty.
#dungeon meshi#izutsumi#marcille donato#chilchuk tims#I still stand by my tags on the Izutsumi character study piece I did in January - but I will repeat myself on a few lines here:#I *really* love this character. I love that all of the dungeon meshi crew are complicated and have difficult to love components.#But Izutsumi is a particular kind of hard to love. I foresee a lot of people being turned off by her abrasiveness and lack of teamwork.#She is very self-centered and openly goes against what the party agrees on.#She's a picky eater in a story that is 50% about eating good and healthy food!#It is in part about her growth but admittedly even *then* she remains rather true to her self-centeredness.#Even though she isn't as nice or funny or compassionate as the others...Izutsumi is still someone worth loving.#Even the more difficult people are someone worth loving.#And those people in turn are people who have something and someone they love.#She may be a girlcat but she is the most human of them all.#I hope that if you are an anime only watcher and are feeling put off by her at the moment; you'll give her a chance.#By the way: *yes* I worked very hard to draw that skateboard pose. It was worth it.#EDIT: HAPPY 500th POST OF POORLY-DRAW-MDZS!!! What a comic to commemorate the milestone with!
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Was working on my Tiso gijinka n drew this on the side lol
#Tiso will thank her later rn hes just occupied with how it feels and looks#you'll grow your hair back dude chill man#hollow knight#i will certainly say after getting a set of refrences#be VERY SURE you're prepared before looking up head trauma scars#i am given a new appreciation for modern medicine though its amazing how skilled doctor's are#im not sure to complications of some random princess and a old nerd performing surgery on a guy but well get there when we get there
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Bones someone did a "Worst Parents" poll over on Twitter and it's going about as well as you'd expect.
"God people will do anything to hate on mentally ill male characters" and it's the guy who hits and yells at his son.
"Crowfeather's only crime was being a bit mean" hitting and humiliating your son= bit mean.
Yes these are things I've actually read
I'm not saying Curlfeather (who was pitted against him in the poll) is better or worse than Crowfeather, but I've seen a lot of people downplaying his abuse towards Breezepaw and acting like people are crazy for thinking Curlfeather was better
It's really wild to see it in action, isn't it? When a dad manipulates (Po3 book 2) and smacks his son (Po3 book 3) for absolutely no benefit besides his own ego, it's "mental illness" and ergo not a big deal. As if they think mental illness is a get-out-of-jail free card for child abuse.
The "Crowfeather Mental Illness" Crowd couldn't HANDLE the kind of mentally ill characters that I stan. They are weak and will not survive the winter.
When they say "stop being mean to boys with a disorder" they mean "stop holding an abusive father accountable for teaching his son slurs so he could get back at the ex-girlfriend who dumped him." When I say "stop being mean to boys with a disorder" I mean that I want to give Breezepelt a gun so he can enforce it himself. We are not the same.
#bone babble#Curlfeather's an interesting conversation for 'bad parents' though and imo one of the best examples to discuss#Because she's so much more nuanced than the common mode of WC child abuse#She never physically hurt her child nor did she emotionally belittle her#But she did manipulate her. She did put her into a position of power. And I'm not a hypocrite like certain Hawkfrost stans--#--I think that is very damaging and Frostpaw's feelings are valid and understandable#Curlfeather died one of the most graphic and horrible deaths in the entire series for her child. But... that doesn't fix what she did.#I wish that the books were able to capture the complicated feeling that Frostpaw could be feeling about her mother right now though.#Crowfeather though he was a piece of shit#no ifs ands or buts#he was just Bad and the conversation is HOW bad#fennelposting
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I'm writing a fic about Maedhros returning to life in late fourth age Valinor and 70k words in, he is just about meeting his mother and... well, I'm stuck because the implications are...enormous. How difficult it must be for them to meet again after such a long time and all the things in between. Maedhros, like his brothers, chose to go with Feanor in exile, killed for his father, and then killed again and again for his oath (and himself...). Nerdanel had to go throught he pain of loosing her husband and children twice, first their separation, and then their death. They led two very different lives, one became a warlord, heir of a king, tortured by Morgoth, kinslayer, ended his own life. The other lived her whole life in a much more sheltered place, although the aftermath of the Darkening must have been horrible.
What I'm saying is that they might meet, and not see in each other what they were in the past, mother and son, but two strangers who lived according to very different beliefs and values. Now, the choice to rebuild their bond is entirely theirs. But do they want to? Can they? Can Nerdanel forgive? Reconcile the image of the kinslayer with the first babe she held in her arms? How far can a mother's love go? Does Maedhros look at her with regret, with eagerness to be loved and embraced, or does he, deep down, resent her choice to separate herself from them?
#maedhros#nerdanel#silmarillion#tolkien#my nerdanel has very complicated feelings for her sons#she loves them but...but after such a long time alone she has become kind of detached from them#they are no longer her *sons* though they are hers#they are new people and she is too#she might have built an image of them in her head and when she meets them again and they do not match it...it is difficult#maedhros' return series
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Day 29: Caught you!
PLEASE! Donate to save Muhammad Shehab's family! Main Post | GoFundMe
#This is honestly how I see them first meeting haha#Sonic is on Little Planet focused on stopping eggman when all of a sudden BAM lil hedgehog hugging him#amy rose#amy rose daily#sonic#sth#sonic fanart#please donate!#day 29#sonic the hedgehog#classic sonic#classic amy#I dont see this as romantic#but i dont mind if people tag this as ship if they want#honetsly like I dont even know if I ever thought Amy genuinely had a crush on sonic#^^^IN MY OWN HEADCANNONS#I think I saw it more as like#she was so in love with the idea of love that she WANTED to have a crush#and her attachment to Sonic is what brought her friends like Tails and Knuckles#so by that point she was unintentionally using her crush on Sonic to keep her connection to her friends#since they really were more Sonic's friends than hers#in fact I think it kinda took years for her to realize that knuckles and Tails even saw her as a friend outside of Sonic#especially since the three of them would ditch her all the time as kids#and it seemed that anytime her and sonic disagreed Knuckles and Tails would take Sonics side since “Amy is crazy sometimes”#bascially I think Sonic and Amy's frienship is very complicated because actually BOTH of them were in the wrong#Amy didnt respect sonic's bloundaries#but sonci didnt respect Amy's wants or feelings#and when tehy were younger that feel into Knuckles and Tails also having less respect for Amy#at one point though - after Amy has already sworn off her crush on sonic and has worked to make up for how she used to treat him#she actually calls them out on how they disrespect her sometimes
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Trans!Hiccup later in life becoming more confident in himself and coming to terms with the fact knowing how to and doing things traditionally viewed as 'feminine' doesn't make him any less of a man my beloved.
He canonically knows how to sew. Like his attempted cover was he was 'making outfits' so why not? He definitely made his own armor, he probably makes his own clothes when he has the time. He said he wanted to he a 'bread making viking' (and yes i know it was a hasty lie but hear me out) so I'd like to think he knows at least how to bake and probably how to cook as well. And he enjoys these things and indulged in them when he's able to.
#i love when trans people are able to accept that their hobbies being viewed as something related to their agab doesnt make them#any less valid i understand its not for everyone but if youre able to reconcile with that kind of thing you will genuinely be better for it#this goes for snotlout as well (he is also trans!)l#in rtte he knows how to sew#also i hc that astrid is trans and has a very complicated relationship with gender due to how committed she is to being a warrior#shes a girl but never really learned to do any kind of 'traditionally feminine' things other than hair braiding#and though she'd never want to be a housewife she feels as though she missed out on some kind of core childhood experience#shes a lost cause at cooking but hiccup offered to teach her to sew and its something they work on together in their free time :)#httyd#trans hiccup#rtte#trans hiccup haddock#httyd headcanon#hiccup haddock#trans headcanon#hiccup horrendous haddock iii#transgender#moth.txt#deyas dragons
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Did you ever have that one person in your life when you were younger that was so unabashedly kind that even though you personally weren’t good at interacting with others or had a hard time understanding other people, that person never treated you any differently from the rest of the people around you? When you were mentally struggling, did thinking about how effortlessly nice and welcoming that person was make you feel better and even give you some hope for the world if it was able to make something—someone—this good? And maybe that person was actually your friend or someone that you wanted to consider your friend, but the point is that they were kind, and you were kind in turn for the moments you had with them, and that's all that matters.
Anyway, I wasn’t really sure how to get the feeling across any other way, but this is why understanding Sua, Till, and Ivan’s fondness toward Mizi is so easy to me personally; even if how they feel towards her doesn’t perfectly align with the feelings I had towards my person, I get why they care for her so much. Mizi’s a light in the dark.
#alien stage#alnst#alnst mizi#anyway I specified that my feelings was different to theirs cause I didn't have any romantic feeling towards this person---#and I wasn't obsessed with them they were just a very kind person that I was classmates with for a---#a few years before graduating highschool.#Also Ivan's feelings towards Mizi are complicated... I'm sure Mizi sees herself as his friend but I'm not sure if Ivan's self loathing---#allows him to see himself as hers. He probably can't see himself as her friend completely cause he feels like he's manipulating her with--#his fake facade that he's put up for survival reasons.#But anyway I love you Mizi Alien Stage...#AND she keeps being a light in the dark cause now even though her naive innocence is gone she's decided to fight for humanity along with---#Hyuna and the rebellion!!
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maizuru and milsiril are my favorite fucked up dungeon meshi mother figures
#dungeon meshi#maizuru#milsiril#my post#both were involved in some kind of highly skilled group (espionage/ninja work and the canaries)#maizuru and milsiril both have some aspect that makes their relationship with their sort of son innately complicated.\#maizuru has been having and affair and milsiril has biases towards short lived races#both dote heavily on them but milsiril does it more clearly in an overprotective way#their sons have complicated emotions towards them. and they’re right for that#lets see… toshiro always eats the food maizuru makes due to the love in its preparation. he doesn’t seem to have a relationship with his mok#*mom#so he was very close to maizuru#but after finding out she and his dad was having an affair he closed off from her. maizuru still heavily dotes on him however#maizuru also invented a spell to scare his child self into returning to her#and trained ninja techniques into him (I believe?)#and milsiril (though she did train him) didn’t like the idea of kabru going into dangerous dungeons#she ended up coddling him in that regard. he doesn’t know how to do household chores (but I doubt toshiro knows either LMAO)#(he probably has servants or maizuru who do it for him)#but in fighting specifically:#milsiril also trained kabru in sword fighting but unlike maizuru’s training it’s not very useful in the dungeon#now back to food:#unlike maizuru’s food the elven foods milsiril gave kabru weren’t as well received#that has to do with the different culture he’s from though#he thinks of his birth mom’s food more and had a stringer relationship with her#*stronger#despite some issues kabru says that he’s grateful for her as his foster mom (iirc)#I imagine toshiro’s probably the same way even if he wouldn’t admit it (BECAUSE MAIZURU IS FUCKING HIS DAD???)#toshiro doesn’t feel close to any of his family so his biggest connections as a kid probably would’ve been maizuru and hien.#kabru has milsiril and rin and all anyone could ever want but would never want to return to#anyways. end of essay. tldr: milfs are messy
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had some brainworms about transfem furina.... can anyone hear me.
i feel like this would have really interesting implications in her story, much as she loves acting, but struggles with it due to the 500 years she spent being forced to act, would being a woman be the same for her? she doesn't know where the act ends and where her actual identity begins. is she a woman because she wants to be, or just because she had to be one. even if she enjoys it more than the alternative, does she actually enjoy it? or is it just because she was one for so long that she enjoys it?
i can imagine that focalors likely didnt care much about her identity/presentation as archons have been shown to be able to change their forms at will basically, but furina is the human counterpart of focalors. she doesn't have that ability to change herself just like that. i imagine gender identity would be much more important to a human, especially one that must keep up an act at all times, than a god, and thus something that would affect her. something she would think about. a lot.
maybe post-prophecy, she would experiment. figure out if femininity is in fact something she wants. maybe she would try to go back to being "cis" and then realize it wasn't right for her. and i imagine that she would flourish more being able to properly express her femininity rather than doing it just because it was apart of the role.
#my art#genshin impact#furina#idk. i think trans readings of furina in general are very interesting. it could work any which way for her.#but. something about the transfem furina hc really hits for me and im not sure why!#it got me thinking!#sorry if these thoughts arent coherent. im not the best at expressing what i want to say. hope it makes sense though!#but god. furina and how complicated her feelings must be on everything is so so so interesting#it must be a nightmare to figure out who she really is and how she really feels. how she really thinks.#since her identity got blurred together with that of being an archon#kinda scared to post this bc i dont usually post headcanon type stuff (probably fear about being Wrong about something) but here we go!#well whatever this is also my sideblog and not my main.
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are there any books you'd recommend for Isabelle of Angouleme?
Hi! I’m really not an expert on Isabella of Angouleme so I'm probably not the best person to ask for recommendations for her. Here are some I've heard of, though I haven't read all of them:
"Isabella of Angouleme: John's Jezebel" by Nicholas Vincent (King John: New Interpretations). I haven't read it myself but I've heard good things!
“Maternal Abandonment and Surrogate Caregivers: Isabella of Angoulême and Her Children by King John” by Louise J. Wilkinson (Virtuous or Villainess? The Image of the Royal Mother from the Early Medieval to the Early Modern Era). It focuses more-so on Isabella's tenure as queen, the period shortly after John's death, and her decision to leave England. Despite what the title may imply, it's sympathetic to Isabella and analyzes her situation in detail.
“Co-Operation, Co-Rulership and Competition: Queenship in the Angevin Domains 1135-1230” by Gabrielle Storey, her PHD thesis which collectively focuses on Isabella of Angouleme along with Empress Matilda, Eleanor of Aquitaine, and Berengaria of Navarre. You can read/download it here, it's an excellent piece for all four women.
Sally Spong has written/is writing:
Isabella of Angouleme: The Vanished Queen (Norman to Early Plantagenet Consorts). You can see her conclusion here. It's nuanced and sympathetic, though not without its issues and pre-conceived notions.
Isabella of Gloucester and Isabella of Angouleme: Female Lordship, Queenship, Power, and Authority 1189-1220 (PHD thesis University of East Anglia).
“Isabelle d’Angouleme, By the Grace of God, Queen” by William Chester Jordan. You can read it online here, though I will say that it's ... very very questionable, accepting the sensational claims of lot of unreliable sources (including the idea of John abducting Isabella in a fit of uncontrollable infatuation) entirely at face-value.
“The Marriage and Coronation of Isabelle of Angouleme” by H.G. Richardson, available here on JSTOR.
Isabella has also been the subject of two complete French biographies till date:
"Isabelle d’Angoulême, reine d’Angleterre" (Aquitaine: 1998) by Sophie Fougere.
"Isabelle d’Angoulême, comtesse-reine et son temps (1186-1246)" [Actes du colloque tenu à Lusignan, 8 au 10 novembre 1996] by Gabriel Biancotto, Robert Favreau and Piotr Skubiszewski.
There are also a few blog posts about her (here and here) which may help if you want a brief overview of her life, though they can get a little sensationalistic sometimes.
Hope this helps! If anyone knows any others, please feel free to add on!
#I'm so sorry it took so long to answer! I'll add more if I find them#ask#Isabella of Angouleme#angevins#Sally Spong's chapter on Isabella is...complicated#It's detailed and sympathetic and I think it highlights some interesting aspects of Isabella's life#But it's also dependent on her own very fixed pre-conceived notions re Isabella's role as queen#Spong takes issue with other historians' observations about Isabella but...doesn't actually try to debunk the views herself?#It ends up seeming as though she's deliberately missing the point#And I think by reading things in the best possible light she ends up downplaying what may have been complicated experiences for Isabella#For example she disagrees with the idea that John was constraining Isabella's role by highlighting her ceremonial presence at court#But historians like Wilkinson HAVE highlighted this as well and emphasized how the 'ceremonial importance of Isabella's position as queen#consort and the dynastic significance of her maternity' were recognized and honored#But that does not discount or nullify the way Isabella's role does seem to have been constrained elsewhere by John#Namely her lack of control over her lands (many of which were granted away by John) and probable lack of access to queen's gold#Along with her absence from charters and the notable lack of prayers for her welfare save a single exception in 1204#Spong also disagrees with the idea that Isabella was excluded from her son's governance after John's death by highlighting her#presence at his coronation and (months later) at the peace talks between England and France#Which is - again - sort of missing the point??#*Yes* - Isabella's presence in both those occasions is certainly interesting and important when talking about her life#But that does not change the fact that Isabella seems to have been either remote or excluded from central government#She was not directing or working with the council in terms of governance but seems to have been at a distance from power#Which is made even more clear when we look at her charters: her witness lists were comprised of more or less politically insignificant#figures and included no men associated with her son's regency council#It's a striking contrast to the former roles that Empress Matilda and Eleanor of Aquitaine had for their sons#With those very dynamic precedents in place I do think Isabella's remoteness from her son's government is very notable#And I feel like that's...very important when discussing her decision to return to Angouleme?#But because Spong is keen to view Isabella's circumstances in the best light possible she sort of dismisses these discussions#& potential difficulties#It got rather frustrating to read
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I honestly feel a lot better about having posted anything at AO3, even things I won't finish, and there's something that warms my heart about posting fic for The Borgias in 2024.
I was actually deciding between two different WIPs to represent that "phase" between my undergrad years and grad school. The other one was the prologue to a Legend of Korra/Star Wars fusion in which Noatak/Amon is Korra's father and this is revealed in S1 (I think it was going to be Tarrlok who figures it out first, lol) and it actually affects the plot and it isn't just the LOK canon plot with minor adjustments—the fusion with SW was meant to be more than vague I-am-your-father inspiration. In any case, I only ever wrote the prologue about the Noatak/Senna quasi-romance that led to Korra's existence and never even got to the sheer comedy of Korra as Tarrlok's niece :(
But the Juan and Lucrezia as dysfunctional twins one-shot is closer to being a whole fic (in a side-story way) and I did like being able to add one more to my Borgias oeuvre—and getting at least some part of that AU on AO3 after all the time I spent on it!
#anghraine babbles#fic talk#i don't think senna actually ends up with tonraq in the au so there's no easy I Have A Real Dad option#and korra grows up knowing that her parents spent a genuinely wonderful year together before a ship he was in tragically sank#(this is not actually noatak's fault - he'd actually disembarked and chosen to disappear before the shipwreck happened#and just appreciated the convenience of it effectively covering his tracks after he'd made the 'mistake' of getting attached to senna#who fully believes he was in the shipwreck and is very dead)#so korra's heard all these (true!) stories of how cool the 22-y-o charismatic super waterbender noatak seemed to senna#meanwhile tarrlok discovers just who her father was and is like 'ok she's DEFINITELY getting the satomobile. but for different reasons')#the publishing au is actually incredibly involved (it's the bay area borgias fic as well!) but just focusing on juan and lucrezia#made it more possible to compress into a reasonably sized one-shot#in reality i wrote about the kids in school and how rodrigo bulldozed into their lives when their much older brother luis tragically died#vanozza is the second of his various ex-wives. also i included an adriana del milà expy even though it's very much borgias fic bc i love he#and yes she /is/ still the mother-in-law of the giulia expy :D#lucrezia ended up getting moved ahead a year from juan and joins cesare in befriending The New Kid#miguel aka micheletto - who thus is a high school friend of theirs and has complicated feelings about everything#but never forgot that teenage cesare and lucrezia stood by him when he was involuntarily outed in their school c. 2002.#lucrezia is the most obvious nepo baby of the company but actually fantastic at marketing while cesare is the creative one#but rodrigo has convinced himself that juan is the creative genius bc he(r) likes him(j) best and obviously has infallible judgment#but yeah it dovetails into the bay area au in which the alfonso d'aragona expy is lucrezia's boyfriend al from pleasanton#he doesn't like her living in the house her family owns outright in oakland for reasons he never manages to explain!)#political shenanigans and codependent siblings#avatar: the legend of korra
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loki/william rufus fic, where bill explains that as the second son he has inherited england while big brother bob only got the duchy of normandy, ha ha ha.
#no offence to normandy of course i'm sure it's a fine duchy with many things to recommend it.#oh but wait! England Son then dies in a “Hunting Accident” and the next brother heads for the capital ASAP!#where is Bob? idk i think he was on crusade or something. BUT! he'll get to stay in england when henry keeps him captive for life <3#apparently robert got very into welsh poetry while imprisoned for being the older brother so maybe that made up for it all?#PLOT TWIST: henry the first of england leaves no legitimate sons and england ends up having a civil war when he dies.#btw it still throws me a bit that post-conquest kings have names like william and robert while the pre-1066 dudes are all named Aethelthing#*whispers* i kind of feel like asgard should be on a atheling system like pre-conquest england but i don't want to complicate things.#though this would explain why Thor 1 treats a Loki succession as a real possibility and thinks aptitude for kingship in any way matters.#whereas the later movies all assume it works on primogeniture (and none of us in fandom really absorbed the fact that when hela shows up#thor instantly accepts that she's ahead of him in the line of succession and objects to her evilness rather than her sex/gender.#so clearly if thor and loki have an older sister the OLDER matters more than the SISTER. right? yet sif is the only female warrior.#and while i think the 'kings NEED to go into battle!' thing was overstated by the past and by modern observers we do all go along with that#in the context of these films don't we? loki is unsuitable due to his *checks notes* weak fragile feminine form.#*looks at him and experiences a brief moment of cognitive dissonance before moving on*#and that's a story more of us want to tell (or i assume that's what's up) so we all just ignore The Hela Evidence don't we?)#(i can explain my own reasons if anyone asks but nobody will so i won't bother doing it in these tags.)#btw a friend once made a william the conqueror joke about passing the duchy on the left hand side which was FANSTASTIC#but explaining it would take far too long so i won't do that either. BUT IT WAS RLY FUNNY U GUYS (gender-neutral)!#history shitposting#plus the mcu because of course
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athena update!!
she's going through her second heat right now, and the vet says we can probably expect one more in the next month 😭 but hopefully that'll be it and we'll be able to get her spayed in January!!
she's been in her big biting era, which we've been trying to curb but haven't been so successful 😞 I think it doesn't help with her being in season and having crazy hormonal changes rn.
she's still a big lovey baby though, and especially right now, she's non-stop nuzzling and wanting attention 💖
#still can't believe her timing and going into heat literally 12 hrs before shes supposed to get spayed#i wish reddit was a bit more helpful with tips to make her more comfortable though#cause every thread i go to is just chastising & being really judgemental and calling the op's bad owners for not having their kitten spayed#maybe its different in the states but here they wont spay her until shes been out of season for a month and a half#bc theres so much extra blood and chance for complications#so yeah idk i just wish i had some non judgemental tips to make my baby more comfy while she gets through this!!#we literally made the appointment to get her spayed the same week we got her its not my fault my cat has excellent timing 😭#sorry for the tag rant ive just been feeling very guilty and upset but that might just be the lack of sleep hahaha#athena.png#bones.png
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me n my manager are gonna be alone at the office tomorrow after hours and she stunlocked me saying she's getting us dinner and to start thinking about what i want to eat with a lil ;) like ma'am... I'll answer the question but god can i be so fucking real with you right now 😩😵💫 i won't but i want her.. i haven't gotten to be with her in so long I'm kind of nervous (｡ﾉω＼｡)
i know i won't need to be she is such a sweetie ♡ talking to her is like immediately being enveloped in warmth. ʕ ꈍᴥꈍʔ i am experiencing a whirlwind of emotions and really looking forward to tomorrow. I'm so happy she's back, i love her
#a coworker being a good friend of mine is complicated bc I'm SO different w my friends outside of work n am rly sweet to/w them#and it is very sweet between us and one of the last things we said irl was that we love each other for the first time (｡ﾉω＼｡)#and idk yk like the sweetness n closeness n affection to a degree are already there BUT I SHOULDN'T#messy gay workplace antics.. her husband ain't shit though so idk 🤷🏾♀️ she takes care of everyone but has to look out for#herself at the end of the day?? especially rn?? well iiii will look out for her and after her and take care of her 😤😤#(´ . .̫ . `) but god to what extent. whatever feels right i suppose but girl... 🙈💕 i don't knowww#I'm going to continue this back and forth in my head now 🫡 but manager posting has Returned#my moon my stars 😩😩😩 YEARNING!! languishing... 🛌🏾 sick with want.#i would do anything for her#mm#← new manager posting tag
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it's been a strange arc so far
when I was 19-21 and having an extremely imbalanced relationship with someone in their mid 30s I was like 'we are both adults so the fact that this is fucking me up is my fault'
when I hit my late 20s and saw how young people in their late teens and early 20s seem now I was like 'oh wait I was so fucking young I didn't know shit about my own limits or about managing relationships and I don't know why someone in their mid to late 30s would be into that except for nefarious purposes'
the weird bit is now I'm into my 30s - not even that far into my 30s - and while I still wholeheartedly believe that last thing about how young (and self destructive) 20 year olds are, I'm also kind of like 'huh, actually nobody I know that age has their shit remotely together and frankly the reason this fucked me up is because NEITHER of us knew what the fuck we were doing it how to cope, for different reasons and at different life stages, and there probably wasn't any malice or intent to control as much as there was Blind Flailing.'
#red said#this is about one specific relationship btw.#wanted to clarify that because there have been several men over 30 who fucked me up between the ages of 16 and 21#and i adamently do NOT want to keep pretending that was incompetence. that was predation. sometimes incompetent predation.#but with the person I'm thinking of? she really hurt me and the age gap and difference in life stage was a not insubstantial factor#but mostly she was just spiralling out really badly and i offered her something to hold and she did try to keep things balanced and safe#but she was very off balance at the time. so the fucking up was more that than it was about power or control#we were just both very stupid and very sensible at the same time which is a great way to dig yourselves deeper#and idk I'm like 2 or 3? years younger than she was when we met iirc#and the closer i get to her age the more I'm like yeah you know that's a human reaction. i can see how that happens.#and i kind of feel bad for the amount of bitterness I've held and malice I've ascribed because ultimately#i think it was just two people having different crises trying and failing to figure out boundaries around them#but this has come on really suddenly and it's kind of fucking me up as well#cause I'm frightened of falling back into patterns of oh it's never anyone else's fault that i got hurt#but i don't. thiiiiink so? bc it's really only this one thing. i am not making these excuses for other people.#idk. sometimes people just fuck each other up.#I'm not even sure i think it was a bad thing that it happened. a lot of bad happened but we also catalyzed a lot of change in each other.#i feel like the reason i keep picking at this is that it's complicated. it was not good. it was good.#she really fucked me up and she was a terrible friend to me at times. but she was also the first person to really look after me.#and she kind of helped me start to learn how to need other people. which was good.#when my grandma died she wrapped me in a blanket and cancelled her plans to watch TV on the couch with me#even though she barely knew me at that point#and she was one of the first people to consistently ask for consent and check in. and she did genuinely care about me.#but she also truly fucked me over a couple of times.#but mostly that was just because she was buried in a pit of despair and self loathing.#she seems a lot happier now. i hope she is. i don't know if i want to know her particularly but i think if she's happy she'd be nice to know
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