#though g-d damn those are some good hands

[vaspider]

"But Spider, why were you, someone who has known you were a lesbian since you were like 9 (even if you didn't admit it lol), with Emet for like 15 years before she came out?"

Me:

[obsolescent]

Leon S. Kennedy's NSFW Alphabet

Author’s Note: Went into depth with almost all of these lol, wanted to be thorough. Enjoy!

Leon’s SFW Headcanons

Content Warnings: Explicit sexual content, reader is kept gender neutral, cis!Leon, general discussion of sexual activities.

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Helping you clean up, cuddling. He would be very affectionate, kissing you, telling you, ��You did so good baby, took everything I gave you.”

B = Body part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

I think he enjoys his arms quite a bit, likes seeing the muscles flex as he moves them around (mostly while he’s handling you). On you, your hands, how gentle they are, how they hold him close and cup his cheeks with such a softness. Loves seeing them wrapped around his cock, too.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum, basically)

He wouldn’t admit to it because he’s embarrassed by it, but loves seeing you covered cum. Loves going a few rounds, getting some in every hole and watching it leak out. Something about marking you as his satisfies a deep urge in him.

D = Dirty secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Has thought about sharing you. Thinking about seeing you get passed around and used by his friends, yeah.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

He’s not that experienced actually! Due to his religious upbringing, he didn’t do much until he was older and shook some of that religious guilt off. He knows what he’s doing, though. He watched plenty of videos on how to pleasure someone. He’s a perfectionist at most everything he does, and pleasing someone right is a priority to him.

F = Favorite position

He’s a romantic sap, so any position where he can embrace you, whisper in your ear, kiss you. Positions like missionary, or when you sit on him and he can just hug you while you grind against him. Those are ideal for him!

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment? Are they humorous? etc.)

Oh, for sure. He likes to make funny quips too, like: “Damn baby, gripping my shit like Loctite!” Once, he got hurt on a mission, and after fully healing, came to you and said, “Meat’s back on the menu.”

H = Hair (How well groomed are they? Does the carpet match the drapes? Etc.)

He usually keeps it well groomed. Due to missions, though, it does grow out. Has some hair but tries to keep it short as possible. He found that out the hard way one time, when he had to use the bathroom on a mission and got some hair caught in his zipper, ouch.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment? The romantic aspect)

Leon’s very romantic, savoring your time together, working you up slowly. Whispering praises the whole time, running his hands down your body, massaging here and there.

J = Jack off (Masturbation headcanon)

He’s had that religious guilt hanging over his head, so it’s a reason why he didn’t do it often, but when that stiff breeze hits just right…Now with you, he can just have sex so he doesn’t see the point of it.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Breeding kink, I think we’re in agreement on that. Free use, he likes letting you use him for your own pleasure, he gets off on it too. Has come with no touch, just from you using his mouth.

L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)

Prefers yours or his place, and it could be wherever inside. The couch, floor, counter, table, shower, and of course the bed. 

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going) 

Honestly? It doesn’t take much, not with you. Seeing your body turn a certain way, the slightest movements, have him clearing his throat and crossing his legs. Yelling at himself in his head to “Stop acting like a damn dog.”

N = No (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Hurt you or use a weapon in the bedroom. He could slap your ass some, a firm grip around your neck, but that’s the extent he’s willing to go. Weapons are a hard limit, under no circumstances will he use one on you.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Loves to give and receive. Likes seeing you on your knees for him, also likes to be on his knees for you, too. As I said before, he’s done his research and perfected his skills, it’s definitely paid off. You’ve never been with someone as skilled as him with his mouth.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? Etc.)

Slow and sensual, unless you want it fast and rough. Loves to please you, so whichever you’re wanting at the moment.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

If he’s really worked up and under a time crunch, he doesn’t mind a quick fuck, making sure to get you off first, though, before himself.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment? Do they take risks? Etc.)

Leon loves to try new things! Want to use a new toy you got? New position you saw online? He’s game, but I wouldn’t say risky. 

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for? How long do they last?)

A few rounds, he doesn’t tire easily. He can last for a while. He likes to cum with you, so he can hold off on cumming until you do.

T = Toys (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

He hadn’t thought about getting toys for himself until he was with you. With how much fun you two have with toys, he has looked into getting some of his own. Uses them on you or himself, and he likes when you use them on him. 

U = Unfair (How much they like to tease)

Oh, sometimes he’s a menace. Can edge you for a long time, have you writhing and begging for him. He likes seeing you whiny, pleading with him to touch you more, “I know you want to touch me, please please baby, make me cum!” You know him so well. He finally gives in, not being able to hold himself back any longer.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Used to be quiet as a mouse, but now? Loud, whiny mess. Groaning and moaning your name, high pitch whines when it just feels “so goddamn good baby, don’t stop riding me.”

W = Wild card (A random headcanon for the character)

He’s pretty flexible, which is useful in the bedroom. “Fold me like a pretzel,” His favorite choice of words for when you’re doing something to him.

X = X-ray (Let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

He’s fit due to the job, toned muscles, body littered with scars. He’s got a light dusting of hair on his chest, as well as a happy trail down to neatly trimmed pubic hair. He’s a grower, not a shower, at full hardness he’s around 7 inches, a bit on the thicker side.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Due to the stressful situations he’s usually in he doesn’t have much time to yearn or think about his sex drive, but when he’s home with you, anything you do can have him ready to go. Mentioned previously, it can be mundane as stretching, your shirt lifting to expose your stomach, and he starts growing hard.

Z = Zzz (How quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He won’t fall asleep until things are cleaned up, toys put away, and he’s holding you in his arms. 

[evillemons]

WHAT SEX WITH YOONGI WOULD BE LIKE (SUGA pt. 3)

~ everyone’s favorite part, based on the character as described in part 1 and part 2. Masterlist here.

*NSFW CONTENT*

• While it would initially take a while to warm up to her, he would want to have sex pretty quickly once they are in a relationship. Judging by his dirty lyrics and expertise at teasing us with his hip thrusts and tongue on stage, I see Yoongi as a relatively sexual person.

• He’s generally extremely respectful and refrains from wandering eyes, but when he decides he wants her, he’s hungry for her and can’t resist a glance or two at her curves.

• I don’t think he would be overly dominant, if at all. He would be gentle and have a soft touch, and let her take the lead if she wanted.

• Although he could maybeeeee channel Agust D and be gently dominant if he was in the mood, teasing her to the ends of the earth.

• “Naughty girl. What should I do with you?”

• This man has a lot of self control though, he would never get riled up inappropriately (in public, prematurely etc.) and make sure she is fully satisfied before it’s his turn.

• He really loves and appreciates a woman’s body, and would kiss every inch of her as he takes her clothes off.

• He would love kissing her neck because he knows how much it turns her on, and he would enjoy having his neck kissed too.

• I see his favorite feature being boobs for some reason. He would lick and suck her nipples for so long that she would get bored.

• Trademark tongue technology. He would eat her out frequently and be damn good at it. He would not be shy about the act and lick her enthusiastically.

• A devious little smirk before going down on her because he KNOWS the damage he’s about to do.

• Would definitely let her ride his face.

• Watches her expression the whole time to make sure she’s enjoying herself. He is very analytical and would calculate exactly what is working for her in which spots.

• I think nowadays Yoongi is quite confident and comfortable in himself, and this would reflect in bed.

• I actually also see him as being somewhat experienced; he would be so good at making her cum every time. Multiple orgasms would not be difficult with those skilled tongue and hands.

• Like Namjoon, he would really enjoy/get off on pleasing her, stroking himself as he goes down on her.

• His veiny hands and long, dexterous fingers has anyone weak. His d probably resembles a similar fashion.

• He would fucking love making her wet, licking is pretty fingers clean after hitting her g-spot inside her.

• For positions, I see him liking her on top, riding him while sitting up face to face on the sofa or from behind in the shower. Or spooning as a result of getting horny from cuddling, rubbing her clit while getting his body as close to hers as possible.

• Handjobs/blowjobs while he’s working to help him relax. He would be annoyed to be interrupted at first, but give in the second he feels her on him. Would love to cum on her tits (but probably not her face/in her mouth, as that could feel disrespectful to him).

• He would be happy to oblige to any request as long she’s happy.

• If she had a high sex drive, he would indulge her whenever she wanted but would never push when she didn’t. He would often please her without expecting anything in return.

• He would not be very vocal, but when he is his grunts would be deep and raspy. He would love for her to be unapologetically loud, though.

• Would be attentive and loving afterwards and provide aftercare in the event she wanted it.

• They might clean up by taking an intimate shower together, then follow up with snacks and games or a movie (or straight to sleep).

[sentoooo]

[anon: Hi can you write an Alphabet head cannon for Johnny cage and male reader?] i assume you mean an nsfw alphabet? i cannot find any other alphabet, so i apologize if i got it wrong T_T.

startin off strong with THE johnny cage. john john. yeah. that guy.

cw: nsfw, mxm, bodyworship, little bit of praise, edging, johnny fuckin' cage, baby. proofread MINORS DNI

ɴꜱꜰᴡ ᴀʟᴘʜᴀʙᴇᴛ || ᴊᴏʜɴɴʏ ᴄᴀɢᴇ

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Johnny's actually like a golden retriever. As much as he likes to show off,- and that doesn't mean he won't in bed either- he has a very tender side. Afterwards, he refuses to let you leave his arms. Need your clothes? Nope, he'll get them. As long as you hold his hand. Need a bath? He's carrying you to it. Maybe a little snack? Some water? Dragging you along for the adventure. And after all that, he'll tuck you both in, hold you reaaallll close, and whisper sweet nothings until either you or him are asleep.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Johnny's favorite body part? God, what isn't to love about him? It's so hard to choose! Just kidding. It's his biceps and his pecs. He's proud of 'em. Makes him feel all big and strong, means you can't run away like Sonya did. Though, he still loves every part of his body equally. Let's not forget about his little friend down there.

On you, it has to be your thighs. Or maybe your hands? God, he can't choose. Everything about you is perfection to him. No, no, it's definitely your stomach! Wait... no. It's your face. Nah, that doesn't do you justice. It's everything. Genuinely. He can't choose. Don't ask him to.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

He's more than fine cumming anywhere. Inside? Gladly. On your thigh? Fuck yes. Stomach? Sign him up. It's like an autograph to him, as long as he gets to "sign" you, he's happy as hell.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He's dominant, yes. He likes being the star of the show. But he will let you top him here and there. His dirty secret? Just how much he yearns to moan your name. Yell it, let him know who he belongs to. But he won't admit it. His pride can't take that hit. Not yet.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

God, what doesn't he know? He's an actor, baby. He's THE Cage. He's had more than his fair share of experience. He knows your body almost more than you do, exactly where to touch to illicit a reaction from you, just the right spots to hit, and those sweet sweet words that turn you on instantly.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

He love love loves cowgirl- or shall we call it cowboy? Not reverse, though. He needs to see your face. Has to. Non-negotiable. He likes to get his hands all over you, and he loves to see your pleasure. How else is he supposed to know that he's making you feel so damn good? Not that he isn't, god he knows, but just a reassurance.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

You're asking if Johnny Fuckin' Cage is serious? No. Hell no. He's crackin' jokes, but mainly he's praising himself. Not that he isn't praising you, either. But You hear a lot of "How's li'l Johnny treatin' ya?", in a way, it's kind of sexy. In a very CAGE-y way, at least.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

He's got some body hair. Mainly, a happy trail, complimented by his V-Line. A little arm hair, but he keeps his chest clean. Pubic hair wise, he's got a little. Keeps himself trimmed, but still keeps some down there. Compliments his dick, that's what it does.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

God, he's so sweet it'll make your teeth hurt. Amongst his little ego-boosting, he swings praises your way. All honeyed, yet truthful nonetheless. His touch has always been full of longing, more so than lust. Everything he says is true. You know that. Regardless, he's gonna drill that into you. And drill into you.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

He jacks off quite frequently. Though, he will always, always prefer you. Being in you, your hand, your mouth. But with his sex drive, he jacks off at least once a week, and if you aren't around, 7 days a week, baby. Always thinkin' of you.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Body worship. Through and through. He fuckin' loves it when you're all over him, gliding your hands from his collarbone to his waist, tracing his V-line, his abs, his tattoos, all with such love and yearning. Taking almost 30 minutes to explore each others bodies before anything goes in anywhere is always a pre-requisite.

He also LOVES edging. You, specifically. He's an asshole that way. Listening to you beg, whimper, cry to release. To cum allll over you and him. Fuck, does that get him going. He's almost let you just cum each and every time. One of these days, he's gonna break.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Anywhere, baby. Anywhere, anytime. He is always down. Shower sex? Yes. Quickie in a restroom somewhere? As long as it's as clean as a Bucca Di Beppo bathroom, yes. Speaking of, god, if he could fuck you in a Bucca Di Beppo, he so would. Now THAT'S fine dinin'.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

You, always you. But specifically when you're fighting anyone. Not him, of course, shit, he's terrified of you. But all determined like that, nose bloody, knuckles bloodied, bruised. God, you are just SEETHING with sexual energy. And damn, he's going to fuck you after you win. However you like, baby.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Anything that'll hurt you. Hard no for him. He refuses to do anything of the sort. He can't hurt that pretty little body of yours, can he? No, no he can't. That is a cardinal sin, baby. He can't even fight you.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Oh, he loves giving. And he doesn't mind receiving. But fuck, he loves watching you squirm, gripping the sheets, and running your hands through his hair as he goes down on you. And he loves how you reward him after, it's like dessert.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

He can go however fast you like, baby. You feelin' like enjoying the night, all romantic and sensual? Absolutely, anything for you. He will make the first round last for an hour. Feelin' especially frisky and want to scream his name all night (and all day, if your stamina so permits it)? Fuck. Yes. Say no more.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

He'll do 'em. He aint afraid. Especially if you two only have time for that. He'll make sure your both satisfied and have both came. At least twice. But he does prefer having the full experience. He likes having you anytime, though.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Always, and forever, babe. He'll try everything at least once. He's fucked you in the most scandalous places before, too. One time, he was fairly sure Liu Kang was watching. That's why he fucked ya then and there.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Hours, day and night. Ride him like a horse. He'll wear that cowboy hat for ya, too. At least, that's what he said. The longest you've two have lasted was from 12am-4am. With breaks. But he sure didn't seem winded. Not in the slightest.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

So. Fucking. Many. For you, for him, for both of you. He loves watching you pleasure yourself with his toys. And vice versa. He loves torturing you with em, too. Watching you nearly tap out and lean up against him cause you couldn't hold yourself up while he was fuckin' ya senseless and using a remote-control cockring. He also LOVES his sybian. Both of you grinding up, little bit of frotting, knowing you feel just as good as he does. Fuck, it makes him hard at the thought.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Oh, he's a fucking dickhead. As mentioned, he LOVES to edge you. How weak you are against him, yet knowing you want more, knowing you love it. He could do it all night baby. Make sure you got good impulse control. He won't hold back.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

He's LOUD, baby, real loud. He wants you to know how good you make him feel. And he wants to praise you. How good you are, taking his dick. Like a champ. He'll moan, and grunt, and growl. All in your ear, too. He knows you like it. A little bit of breath play, for a good boy.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

The amount of sex tapes in his phone is INSANE. But he won't post em, not if you don't want it. He knows his adoring fans would love it, and he'd LOVE to show off his boy to all of em. He gets off watchin' 'em, too. Are you surprised?

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

He's a biiiig boy. Took you a bit to get used to him. He's a shower, though. He's about 6.7" in length, and 1.9" wide. Leans slightly to the left. Circumsized.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

He's gotta fuck ya at least once a day. His sex drive is through the roof, I mean. He's Johnny Cage. If he doesn't get his dick wet once a day, who is he?

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Yeah, he's tired as shit afterwards, but until you have been cleaned up, drank, and ate if you needed to, then he's out. He refuses to fall asleep beforehand. And normally, he has to make sure you fell asleep first.

[j0eyj0rdis0n]

would u possibly do a nsfw alphabet for Brian 🫣🫣 I love ur writing thank you !!

Of course love! I have to do one for everyone right? 🥰

BRIAN/HOODIE NSFW ALPHABET

A - Aftercare (what they're like after sex)

I don’t feel like there’s much aftercare with Brian, honestly y’all probably just doze off since the sex was so damn demanding. If there was aftercare it would probably be something like cleaning you up if you’re super messy and getting you something to drink before you two fell asleep

B - Body Part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partners)

boobz. He loves your fucking tits it’s crazy. Please let him rest his head 🙏🏻

On him though it’s probably his chest/abs. He’s TONED, not like super buff but definitely one of the most muscular looking creeps. And he’s damn proud of it. As he should be of course! So run your hands down his chest and his abs and he’ll be one happy man

C - Cum (anything to do with cum)

Literally anywhere you want him to, he will. Prefers in your mouth or on your face, but your boobs are just as good. But if neither of those are an option with you, just let him know and he’ll be flexible

D - Dirty Secret (dirty secret of theirs)

Tapes you even when he says he won’t. This man’s got secret cameras and you’d be stupid to think he doesn’t. Records every fuck when it’s in his room. He has HOURS of recordings

E - Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they're doing?)

He’s experienced for sure, he went to college so he’s definitely got a good amount of bodies. I feel like he’s a player too so that certainly doesn’t help 💀

F - Favorite Position

Missionary honestly. He’s boring like that but he makes it GOOD. Loves seeing your expressions when he’s fucking you just the right way.

G - Goofy (are they more serious in the moment or are they humorous etc?)

He’ll crack some jokes and tease a little but nothing super goofy you know? It’s all just to make you comfortable! If that’s not your thing then he’ll totally adjust too

H - Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes?)

So well groomed it’s crazy. He actually likes taking care of himself so it’s almost like a priority. Can definitely shave his hair into shapes n shit

I - Intimacy (how are they during the moment?)

He loves you and it shows. More than not he has his mask half on but you can still tell that he treats you with the most care in the world. He’s sweet and loves to praise if that’s what you’re into

J- Jack Off (how often do they?)

He’s casual about it, it’s more of like a morning wood kind of thing. He thinks it’s the best way to start your day. So you can usually find him slowly jerking it in the morning after he wakes up. He likes to take his time with it too. Groans your name as he does

K - Kink (one or more of their kinks)

He loves filming. That’s no surprise obviously but I mean he has a fucking tripod and probably multiple cameras so he can get multiple angles. He’ll go back and watch those when he jerks off too

L - Location (favorite places to do it)

His bed 100%. It’s the most comfortable for him and it just feels right. If he’s really feeling it he might fuck you against a wall somewhere or on the kitchen counter but not much more than that

M - Motivation (what gets them going?)

He’s kinda the same way as Masky, he likes it when you’re kind to others since it’s so contrasting to everyone else. But he especially loves it when you’re doing domestic things. Cooking, cleaning, you know the works. Would love it if you dressed up like a housewife too

N - NO (something they won't do)

Honestly there’s not anything he won’t do… 😬

O - Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Receiving of course. He’d love it if you woke him up with head. But if he’s going down on you he’s damn good with it. All that experience adds up you know ;]

P - Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual?)

Always depends on how he’s feeling. Some days it’s fast and rough while some it’s slow and gentle. You’ll usually be able to tell what kind of mood he’s in so you know what you’re getting yourself into.

Q - Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Not his thing. He never lets himself get that horny where he just needs to have you no matter where you are. But if you’re absolutely invested in a quickie, it’s hard for him to say no to you.

R - Risk (are they game to experiment, take risks, etc.)

Not a risky guy when it comes to location but every other risk he’s down for. Weapon play, breeding, any of it he’ll do.

S - Stamina (how many rounds can they go for?)

Probably around 5-7. He has a pretty high stamina but obviously he can’t last forever.

T - Toys (do they own toys? use them on themselves or their partner?)

Maybe a vibrator for you and some nipple clamps but nothing else. They’re strictly for you too. Don’t think about using them on him, he’s not a sub at all

U - Unfair (how much do they like to tease)

Not much when it comes to like orgasm denial, but verbally? Oh he loves it. He loves the way his southern drawl only adds to the effect it has on you, the way it noticeably makes your pussy wetter.

V - Volume (how loud are they? what noises do they make?)

Soft moaner if you’re super lucky but for the most part he’s a deep groaner/ heavy breather. Not loud at all but it’s loud enough to hit you right in your core

W - Wild Card (random headcannon)

Loves gunplay. Like I mean loves. The way your tears just stream down your face when he holds it to your temple, or when he slaps your pussy with the cold metal? It’s absolutely addicting to him. Sometimes it’s actually loaded and sometimes it’s not, you get to guess every time

X - XRay (lets see what's going on inside those pants)

Probably 6.5 - 7 ish inches, it’s veiny too! Not super girthy like Tim but he’s got some meat to it 😉

Y - Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Pretty high, he enjoys getting off and using sex as an outlet.

Z - ZZZ... (how quickly they fall asleep after)

Super quickly! But he’ll force himself awake if you’re not sleeping. His eyes will be wide open until you’re peacefully sleeping beside him.

[ccscocoapuffs]

Vilmer Sawyer (Slaughter) NSFW Alphabet

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex) You ain't gonna get much from him to be completely honest with you. Afterwards he will pull out of you and watch his cum drip out for a second before leaning down to kiss you and grabbing his clothes and of course checking those damn batteries before walking downstairs. He might look at ya and say something like "Squeeze those pretty legs tight, wouldn't wanna waste all the cum now would we? Now get dressed and come down stairs imma go see about dinner".

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s) Vilmer is alot of things and cocky certainly is one of them. Which makes it no surprise that his favorite part about him is his dick. Just knowing that he can bend you over and shove his dick in you to make those sweet noises he loves make its his favorite just from that alone. He also loves the way you beg for it and just for his. He is with out a doubt an ass man, he loves smacking it, squeezing it, hell even biting it when he eats you from the back. Don't even get him started on having a good ole spanking session for your punishments. Seeing your ass all red and raw from his hand or belt is almost enough to make him cum his pants.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically) He likes to make you look like a mess when he's done with you. He will cover your face, tits, stomach, ass, even deep in one of your holes. It doesn't mater, he will do what he wants where he wants. His all time favorite is deep inside of you, he wants to claim you by cumming inside. Make sure you have plenty of birth control with him if you don't want pregnant, that's for damn sure.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs) He wants to try being more dare I say submissive. He wants to still feel the control though. This could include something like riding him while you you tied his wrists to the bed post and hearing him say "Come on baby, show me what you got, make me cum".

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?) He's pretty well experienced, He knows what he likes for sure and is very keen on bringing the experience in his favorite things into the bedroom with you. He isn't really big on letting someone else think they have more experience than him so even if you do, you might wanna keep it hush hush and let Vilmer think he's the best in the situation.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying) His favorite position is having you in his lap and either thrusting up into you or bouncing you up and down on his thick cock. He wants you to wrap your arms around his shoulders while you do it and scratch down his back.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.) Serious, he isn't really goofy out of the bedroom or in, he's there to fuck his girl. He wants some of that pussy he owns and goofing off ain't gonna get him that.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.) He actually keeps it kinda tame but not to tame if that makes sense. The hair he has down below is black in color and has a natural curl to it ad god how he loves if you choke on it when you suck his cock.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect) He isn't very romantic at all, he's Vilmer. He don't make love he fucks at all times and with that being said you can easily see why he just ain't romantic. Though if you mentioned to him that you needed that romance he might actually try if he likes you enough, though don't expect anything big.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon) Oh he loves to jerk off while watching you squirm with a vibrator to your pussy. But right when he gets close to finishing he has to walk over to you and cum all over you, he has to paint his babygirl all pretty with his cum.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks) Oh god, Vilmer is one kinky bastard, thats for sure. Some of his kinks include: Bondage Spit Knife play Spanking Choking Daddy Kink

L = Location (favorite places to do the do) He don't give a fuck where he takes his girl, he don't care who sees either. He likes the idea of someone looking just to prove to them that only he can fuck you the right way and only he gets to. So don't be surprised when he throws you down on the kitchen table and eats you out.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going) Vilmer don't need much to get turned on, just look at him a certain way and he is ready to go or when he walks in from a long day, walk over to him and just simple say "If you need to relieve some stress, I'll be waiting in your room, daddy". Dear god he might just take you right then and there, fuck the bedroom.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs) Truthfully I don't think theres's hardly anything Vilmer would say no to, he's a freak in the damn sheets and down for anything. Though, I don't think he would ever bring another man into y'alls sex life, he is very easily jealous and he ain't okay with seeing another man touch what is his and his alone.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.) He loves eating your pussy, He uses it as a reward for you when you're good. He does prefer receiving though, he likes to shove your head down while you suck him and listen to you gag. "Yeah, that too big for ya? Guess you better learn how to take it then huh?"

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.) Oh definitely rough, he loves to make it where you are lucky to walk straight the next day. He wants everyone to know where that little limp came from and how you got it.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.) He loves a good quickie, especially if you were to ride home with him and lean over to suck him in the drivers seat. Another little quickie experience you would have with Vilmer is bent over a table somewhere in the house while he whispers in your ear, "Better hurry up and cum for me, wouldn't want W.E. to see you getting fuck on my big cock now would you?".

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.) Risk is his favorite thing about sex, the thought of getting caught, the feeling of pushing you to your limits, it's all a game of risk to him and that's what makes sex with Vilmer all the more interesting to be truthful.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?) He could go all night long if you let him, Though you might wanna be careful if you have something to do the next day cause you will not and i mean WILL NOT be able to walk if you let Vilmer do whatever he wanted.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?) He doesn't like certain toys, like Dildos are a no go to him, he doesn't want anything fucking your hole but him. As for vibrators he adores small bullet vibes and the classic hitachi wand. He loves fucking you and holding one of them to your clit and hearing you squeal for him.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease) Teasing is all he does, he wants to make you beg for him. He needs the satisfaction of knowing you are craving him to touch you hence why he teases you to the point.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.) Very big dirty talker, though as for moans he kinda just lets out loud groans and sometimes growls in your ear. Something he might say to you during sex is: "Yeah, good girl, letting her daddy fuck this tight cunt.....all mine innit?"

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character) Loves to take dirty polaroid's of you and keep in his truck. He clips them on the visor of his truck for when he is out late at night and wants to look up and see what is waiting at home for him later.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes) He is certainly thiccccccc, he wants to make you feel every little bit o that stretch when he fucks you. He is about 7 1/2 inches in length but god the girth is where its at with Vilmer, he always says he is gonna make your cunt remember him and he for sure does just that.

In case you were curious roughly what the color of his tip looks like when he's hard and leaking precum. Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?) On the higher side of things for sure, when he has a girl around to fuck and love on then he certainly takes advantage of that opportunity.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards) It's very rare that he falls asleep afterwards but in the case that he does, it usually is still quite awhile after you two have fucked that night.

A/N: why the fuck did I lowkey pop off on this with Vilmer of all people lmao. I'm so proud of this one.

[carnivorousyandeere]

SFW Alphabet: Hunter

CW: Murder, kidnapping, a little suggestive

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Hunter likes snuggling with you beside the fireplace and/or campfires outside. He also shows a lot of affection through making you food 💕

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Hunter’s the kind of person who comes to the rescue of those in need. If you’re being harassed by a stranger? He’ll step in to protect you. If you forgot your wallet and need a few dollars for the bus? He’s got you. After that, you might insist on finding a way to pay him back and start hanging out from there.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Hunter ADORES cuddling with you, and is usually content to hold you. HOWEVER, he WILL absolutely melt if you lay his head in your lap, running your fingers through his hair and call him your babygirl. You almost expect him to be embarrassed to be caught like that, but he’s not. If anybody sees the two of you and says anything about it, he’ll just smirk at them and ask, “What? You jealous?”

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Hunter’s got some years of formal chef training, as well as having job experience as a line cook; he can make INCREDIBLE dishes, and fucking loves doing so. He’s also pretty good at cleaning, and very picky about how the dishes get washed and where they go after. On the other hand, he’s not the best at laundry, making beds, that kind of stuff. Both he and Ace are good at fixing things around the lodge, in terms of electricity, plumbing, etc. I think Hunter has basically already settled down. This is his dream life, now that you’re here 🥹❤️

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

No way is Hunter leaving you… he caught you fair and square, now didn’t he? ;)

He can just catch you again. And he’ll enjoy the chase just as much as he did the first time~

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Aren’t you already married, in effect? He goes hard on the werewolf social customs, and you’re pretty much already his mate the moment he sets his eyes on you~

He’s certainly not opposed to a human wedding ceremony either, especially the part with the garter and the honeymoon- 😳 oh, sorry. Wrong alphabet perhaps…

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Emotionally, Hunter’s pretty gentle! He’s also pretty gentle, though firm, physically. He can lift up anyone damn near effortlessly and makes a great effort to be mindful of that strength.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

His hugs are STRONG. Squeezes the air out of you by accident nearly every time. Hunter’s just so happy to see you, and when he lets you down he’ll often pat you on the back or on top of the head, wanting you to stay close.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Hunter is the first werewolf to say it to you, the second time you wake up after being kidnapped by the group. He’s sitting next to you and holding your hand while he says it. Even though you’re probably disoriented and confused, there’s something kind of comforting about how sure and serious he is about it. He says it often, but never in a joking or casual way. 

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Surprisingly, Hunter isn’t the most jealous? Territorial, sure– he likes having you around and spending time with you as much as possible. But he doesn’t get angry at other people who spend time with you too much. You’ll always come back to him. And if not, he knows how to track you down.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Hunter’s kisses are firm and passionate, serious just like when he says, “I love you.” He has a tendency to get a little carried away and leave you breathless, even if he only intended to give just a soft peck at first. Hunter wants to worship you, and kiss you all over~ He likes it when you lean in or up to give him a kiss on the cheek most 🥺💕

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Hunter’s alright with kids; he’s good at looking out for them and keeping them safe, but maybe not the best at the more emotional side of things, at least until they get a little older and easier to communicate with.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Hunter wakes up reallyyyyy early to start making breakfast for the other wolves and any lodge guests. If you want to sleep in longer, he’ll tuck the blankets back in around you and leave you with a kiss on the forehead and a little, roughly written love note on the pillow for you ❤️

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Hunter just wants to cuddle until you both fall asleep every night; he likes being the big spoon in human form or half-human form, but if you just want to sleep next to him while he’s in wolf form and bury your hands and face in his fur, that’s fine with him too~

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Hunter’s an open book for you~ it’s just that it might not always occur to him to actually say what he’s thinking. You might have to pry juuuust a little bit to learn more, but once he realizes you’re interested in hearing what he has to say, it’s all fair game.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

He’s not easily angered at all; the only thing that really makes him mad is if you’re in danger. Otherwise, any violence or cleaning up Hunter has to do comes from a place of pragmatism rather than emotion; just clearing out some obstacles keeping the two of you apart, nothing to get heated over or shed tears about.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Hunter’s got everything about you memorized down to the sound of your voice and the way your body wash smells. Not that he’s used it when you’re not around or anything like that… 😳

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

Without a doubt, the first time you grab onto his sleeve and ask him to stay when he moves to leave a room melts his heart to the core. He was already obsessed with you before, but that little show? Drives him mad to think about.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Hunter’s incredibly protective, and he has no problem doing whatever it takes to ensure your safety~ Unlike Cyrus, he feels no shame for the lengths he’ll go to. If you get scared of Hunter and try to run away, he’ll just pick you up and hold you close, shushing you gently and keeping you from squirming or hitting him while you try not to gag at the blood seeping from his clothes/fur onto you.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Hunter puts in the most effort for regular dates and anniversaries, wanting them to be super romantic and enjoyable for you. He’s got a difficult time picking gifts and will probably ask Mason for help with that aspect of courting you. Everyday tasks get his usual meticulous attention as well~

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

When it comes to clearing out obstacles and problems in his way, Hunter isn’t the most delicate. On his list of “ways to deal with things he doesn’t like,” murder is disturbingly high up there 😓

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Hunter’s more vain than you might think�� people tend to think of masculinity as being lazier or less effortful than femininity, which… isn’t wrong a majority of the time 💀, but for Hunter, his appearance and physique are very important to him. He spends a lot of time working out and styling his hair every day. Even though his clothes are more casual– jeans and a t-shirt, he tries to keep them as well-taken care of as possible, and he also often wears a very expensive cologne and a nice watch.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Hunter would feel so lost. He had everything he wanted– a home. A home with a group of people who love him dearly, a home that has you. What’s left when the dream you’ve worked towards your whole life shatters?

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Hunter is AFAB, and his gender is Butch. He likes masculine terms the majority of the time, the exception being if you, and ONLY you, call him your bbg 🥰💕💕

His favorite color is teal.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

There’s not much you can do to make Hunter like you less. You could scream, hit him, say the most awful things, in an effort to piss him off or let you go, and he’d just smile and nuzzle against you like, “I love how spirited you are, pup~!”

Well, I guess he does have some boundaries concerning his body, and if you disregarded those he would feel betrayed and uncomfortable, but so would most anybody? He’d forgive you too easily anyway… 🚩

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

He falls asleep very quickly and holds you so tightly in his sleep. He does mutter and squirm a little in his sleep. Every once in a while he might actually sleep-talk just enough to hold a conversation with you, but everything he says during those talks is straight up nonsensical lol. Despite being a pretty grounded and responsible person (except for his feelings for you, I suppose), his dreams are very flighty and fantastical.

[the-mad-closet]

(I forgot to say this before, but obv age up pls) NSFW ABCs for the Ninja Steel POLYCULE <3 I love them dearly

For some reason, I'm in an NSFW mood tonight and I feel like tackling this monster. Thank you for being specific about them being aged up!

LEVI AND BRODY ARE NOT DATING EACH OTHER, THEY ARE ONLY DATING THE OTHER RANGERS

~

A - Aftercare

So much aftercare. Like, SO much aftercare. Sometimes if he's feeling up to it, Preston will just magic the mess away, but usually it's all physical touch and cleaning each other up. Sometimes they'll take turns in the shower cleaning each other up, sometimes the one who was treated the roughest is treated to a bubble bath. Sometimes it's all they can do not to fall asleep on each other.

~

B - Body part

Okay, so for Brody, everyone mutually agrees that his hands and arms are his best asset. He's strong from years on an alien spaceship, what can they say?

Preston's in the same boat, but it's his ass. He's a bottom, they can't help it.

Calvin - Hayley and Sarah fight over if it's his mouth or his thighs. Brody and Levi both like his wrists. Preston's never said his favorite part of Calvin and he'll be taking that secret to his grave (it's his chest)

For Hayley, Sarah likes her shoulders. Calvin likes her hips. Levi goes for broke and says it's her breasts. Brody also goes for broke and says it's her ass. Preston lovingly says it's her eyes.

Sarah, in the same boat as Body and Preston, gets the same answer from everyone - her boobs. Again, they can't help it.

Levi gets the answer of his fingers from Sarah and Hayley (it's because he plays guitar), his arms from Calvin, and his neck from Preston

~

C - Cum

Like I said in a previous prompt, Preston doesn't like the mess, it makes him anxious. They others tend to use condoms around him when they play with him. Brody and Levi have both been in worse places, so neither mind the mess. They'll be just as happy with the mess on them as they would be with it staining a towel. Calvin also doesn't mind it, but he prefer to take it down his throat. Hayley and Sarah both have no issues with anything to do with cum, just not in their hair.

~

D - Dirty secret

Sarah's is tame, she just likes anal sex. Hayley's is that she wears lingerie and butt plugs to work. Levi wants to have sex on stage one night. Preston wants to get railed wearing a skirt. Calvin kinda likes pet play. Brody's entire sex life is out on the table for anyone to see. He has no secrets.

~

E - Experience

Brody and Preston are the least experienced of the bunch. Sarah follows, then Calvin and Hayley, and finally Levi. For Brody and Preston, they both literally dove headfirst into the deep end of the dating pool. Sarah's had a little experience with men, mostly high school fooling around. Calvin and Hayley have been dating since sophomore year, of course they've fooled around together. Levi's a world-famous singer, he's definitely gotten some. His experience is with both male and female partners.

~

F - Favorite position

Brody likes to be able to see his partners and know they're having a good time. He's been around the Warrior Dome, where most monsters took what they wanted and damn the consequences. Levi's the same way, just without the trauma. Sarah and Hayley agree that 69'ing reigns supreme. Calvin doesn't really care, and Preston likes it from behind.

~

G - Goofy

They're all a mixture of serious and goofy. They're young adults, you know, of course they are. Calvin is absolutely the goofiest, though.

~

H - Hair

The boys are neat and well groomed, Preston is completely hairless, and the girls. Well, neither is exactly a girly-girl, but Sarah does keep herself cut short

~

I - Intimacy

I think these guys might be among the most romantic of the Rangers. Because like... idk, that's just the vibes

~

J - Jack off

Yes. Just yes. Calvin and Preston are usually assisted though. Look me in the eyes and tell me those boys aren't bottoms.

~

K - Kink

Okay, let's go down the list.

Brody: Breathplay

Preston: Manhandling

Calvin: Pet play

Hayley: cunnilingus

Sarah: electricity

Levi: exhibitionism

~

L - Location

One is the heir to a powerful company, one is going to create a powerful company, one is a world-famous singer, and one has aspirations to be an actress. Yeah, these guys don't get out of the house often when it comes to sex. Though bathrooms are good for a quicky as long as no one's watching

~

M - Motivation

Honestly, some days? You can just tap them and they're ready and raring to go. They're in their twenties and allosexual, it's kinda expected in a way. That being said, please see the above list of kinks.

~

N - No

Daddy kink, anything that's like actually painful, and Preston's magic. That last one isn't because of anything Preston's done, they've just all mutually agreed that magic has been used against them too often for them to feel comfortable with it in this kind of setting.

~

O - Oral

Hayley and Sarah both love it, giving and receiving. Preston doesn't like giving, Levi doesn't like receiving, and Brody and Calvin don't care either way.

~

P - Pace

Depends on how they're feeling at the time - could be hard and fast, could be slow and easy

~

Q - Quickie

Brody, Calvin, Hayley, and Sarah all have the same attitude of: they don't mind, they're up for anywhere and any time. Preston and Levi don't mind as long as they aren't busy

~

R - Risk

They're all up for some risk, but not a lot of it. Like toying with one of them under the table is one thing, but full-on shoving a hand down the pants is another. If it's in public, it's a no for anything obvious.

~

S - Stanima

Calvin's got the least, and, shockingly, Preston's got the most. The rest all fall somewhere in between.

~

T - Toys

They've got a collective toybox. Some of the toys are specific to be used on one person only. Those are usually color-coded.

~

U - Unfair

Hayley and Sarah are both mischievous and conniving, happy to tease anytime they can get away with it. Hayley personal favorite is right before Preston's about to talk out the door to go to a meeting with the shareholders. Sarah's is when Levi's late for a concert.

~

V - Volume

Shocking absolutely no one, Levi is the loudest in volume. Hayley is a close second.

~

W - Wild card

If one of them puts on their ninja garb or a maid outfit (anything with a uniform), the others descend like a pack of wolves.

~

X - X-ray

They've all got some scars from their time as Rangers. There's a particularly wicked one from Brody's left shoulder to his right hip that he says he picked up on the Warrior Dome when he was twelve.

~

Y - Yearning

They're all in their twenties and have healthy sex-lives. Their sex drives are high.

~

Z - Zzz

Again, depends on how they're feeling that night. Sometimes it's immediate for all of them, sometimes it takes them a while. All depends!

~

@estel-eruantien Thank you!!

[lightfeltmemories]

GECKO MORIA: NSFW ALPHABET

note: i have no idea how this guy managed to pull me in but he's all i think about as of current, that is until i inevitably find a new interest and then THAT takes over my mind, i wasn't aware this guy had a sizable fanbase at first and posted my other set of headcanons as some self indulgent thing but hey! were here!

tags and warnings: afab!reader bc it's easier, blood & marking, breeding, praise kink, brief mentions of period sex.

A - Aftercare

I feel like Moria would be decent at aftercare, he's lazy as sin but he loves you enough to put in the effort to make you comfortable and happy, so, depending on how much work it takes, he'll nine times out of ten do it himself or have his shadow do it for him.

B - Body Part

His favorite body part on himself are his hands or teeth, both are sharp enough for marking his territory.

His favorite body part on you is your neck or your hips, when it comes to your neck, you will have marks all over afterwards, his teeth will lightly break the skin, drawing some blood but not enough to make any possibly dangerous marks, when it comes to your hips, he's always got his hand on him, whether it be the two of you in front of the other mysterious 3, or when he's ramming his cock in and out of you, holding on to those dear hips.

C - Cum

Considering his massive size, his cum could probably fill a small bucket in one go, but he doesn't cum quite a lot, maybe it could fill a cup? But we have to be realistic, his cum does not taste good, like at all, you might even find yourself gagging at the taste, that's how bad it is, sorry i had to do this to him but he doesn't strike me as the type to have cum that's decent to swallow.

He greatly prefers cumming in you, and if not, oddly enough, on your face, his dick gets back up when he see's your face full of his cum and seeping into your mouth... until you gag, but hey, he might find that hot, too.

D - Dirty Secret

Absalom has heard your moans before, and Moria at this point is probably aware, so, one of these days, they had a very private conversation about letting the perverted lion watch and jerk it as he completely destroys you, he can watch, but he will not touch. (if you couldn't tell, i live for possessive Moria.)

E - Experience

Living a good chunk of his life as a pirate especially a captain has opened a door to experiencing sexual encounters with both men and women, but they were only hookups and nothing else, so in terms of true romantic intimacy, he isn't the most experienced in that area, and when he did for the first time with you, he damn near cried.

G - Goofy

There are some lighthearted moments during sex, some light laughs here and there. (oh dear god him going "KISHISHISHI" during sex is so cringe.)

H - Hair

He's... not that hairy naturally, so not much grooming goes on down there, and yes, the carpets match the drapes, or the drapes match the carpets.. shit idk.

Now on you, he has a preference for at least some hair to be down there (though he won't turn down anything bald either), his dick jumps when he parts his fingers and in between your hairy folds appears your glistening light colored labia, he's quite a fan of the natural look.

I - Intimacy

Like i mentioned before, he didn't have much experience outside of mindless fucking, and may have shed some tears at his first intimate experience, and after this, he may have preferred something softer with you, he'll take his precious time with you, appreciating, worshiping and loving every part of your body.

J - Jack Off

He's did it plenty of times as a young man, but now that he's older, he just.. stopped doing it as often, maybe if he just wants to blow off some steam he'll get a quick one in, i mean they guys old so he probably doesn't have the urge all the time anyway.

K - Kinks

Here we go.

I mentioned in my set of headcanons that he potentially has a breeding kink, this ties into his affinity for cumming in you, the concept of your belly growing, tits fat and swollen with milk, the first time the concept made him hard he didn't mind having another little one running around.

Praise kink 1,000%, tell him how big his cock is, how you love when he touches right there, how you want him and only him to fuck you like this, but he also loves to tell you how tight and wet you are, and how you're taking him so good, how heavenly your moans sound.

Not a shocker but he loves spit roasting with his shadow, they'll hold you down by your wrists as he eats you out or pumps his dick in and out of you, he also likes to watch as he summons a part of a shadow to fuck you (like a tentacle or some shit yk what i mean) if he's feeling particularly horny but too lazy to do anything about it.

Depending on your size this guy lives for bite marks and hickeys, he will put those shark teeth to use in bed, the sight of a little blood during the deed makes him feral, he doesn't want to genuinely hurt you or draw too much blood, just enough to make a bead and to lick away. (he's also a fan of period sex for this exact reason.)

Size Kink, i feel like i shouldn't have to elaborate further but i will anyway, even if you're also freakishly tall yourself but he still manages to tower over you, he'll pick you up and use you as a living breathing fleshlight, carrying you with one hand as he pumps. But i've also been thinking about you being taller than him, i feel like he would find that so hot, honestly.

And lastly, he might, no, really wants to try some light forms of bdsm, tying you up to where you can't move makes him so damn hard, especially if your eyes are covered to where you can't see anything, the reaction you'll have when the tip of his cock head pokes your soaking wet pussy. But he doesn't want to try it on just you, but also on himself, sometimes he wants you to take control, a blindfold covering his eyes as you use your mouth on him, fondling his balls and kitten licking his tip.

L - Location

Anywhere that's private within his estate, he can't lie that the thought of getting caught turns him on just a little, not the biggest fan of fucking outdoors because the guys a whopping 22 feet tall, he'll get caught easily that way (don't ask it's different.)

M - Motivation

It kind of varies, on some days the mere thought of you will get him going, when he's looking at you, he's starting to notice that the dress you're wearing shows a little more skin and curves than usual, you accidentally dropping something in front of him and the shape of your ass has him picturing himself ramming his cock inside, but on some other days, it'll take some elbow grease and a dream to get a tent in this guys pants.

N - NO

Besides the usual scat and pee, i don't think he has anything that will genuinely turn him off.

O - Oral

You can't tell me he's not an eater, and if you try to i'm not listening because he can use his tongue like a penis knowing his massive size, he loves tongue fucking you, and teasing your little clit, you'll cum in such little time with him it's not even funny.

He loves getting blowjobs, the only problem is his massive belly is always blocking the view (he would put a mirror in front of himself just to see you go down on him), his balls in particular are sensitive as hell, so if you fondle them as you're deep throating him, he won't last too long either.

P - Pace

He's a slow and sensual guy, kind of always has been, fast and rough sex is overrated, especially at his age.

Q - Quickie

I feel like he wouldn't see a point in them? Sex isn't meant to be quick to him.

R - Risk

He won't turn one down that's for sure, just depends on how risky it actually is.

S - Stamina

He's got good stamina, surprisingly, he's just a lazy little shit and doesn't feel like continuing on... wait wouldn't that mean his stamina isn't that good? Idk this guy's confusing sometimes.

T - Toys

The only "toy" you have as of late is his shadow, but i feel like he'll be pretty open to using other toys as well.

U - Unfair

Oh he's a tease, his favorite type of moans from you are the ones where you're begging him to stop playing and just fuck you, but he doesn't give in that easily.

V - Volume

The streets are saying he's loud, and i can't lie, i agree, if you're making him feel good, you'll definitely know by his deep groans, i don't see him as a moaner (i feel like he'll definitely whimper), but he's not a quiet man in the bedroom.

W - Wild Card

I love this headcanon for him, but his horns and the tip of his ears are sensitive, almost like an erogenous zone, they're also pretty ticklish, absolutely no one knows this, and not many people are tall enough to touch him there and find out.

Y - Yearning

His libido is pretty low, sex is not that important in your relationship and he's more focused on other things.

Z - Zzz

You won't even realize he's fallen asleep, that's how quick he is.

[leopoldainter]

Marlena watchn lily take the stair car cycle. Here, she's missing

Gravioli Shazam gayerrrr

Hm

I ctuak

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Then what...

Arrested development or

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How many maternity closets do you need

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Ok a quick cup of coffee

Then take him out of town and finish the job.

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I don't care anymore I have one hand testing my brow, the other doing this

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Yeah

Why are you sweeping

You are not getting around the palace well are you

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.

Oh what

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Hot mess

Further kronk I like my toast right.

I like what he did with the umbrella

Ok careful I'm in quahog. But this time my wife may have adopted

Its just a giant banana you'll do fine

Paper or plastichEgtpt that cats flask

Yea I wasn't asking for fhw price but watever

Well then carry it

Well the I won't.

Damn

Where are they finding all this red. She doesn't even write the fucking books well there Ellen you've done it less sit chop chop

I think mine with kramer and the subway was better

You ended up across from your father no good

Trust me, pretty pretty bad

When do they serve absynth I mean why get off the flight at alll

Oh shit, I could have kitty by the kadilac In the first place. How does Fox do it.

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What!

The simpsons StellA! But fuck it Ned's naked.

What are they doing in the bathrooms I thought they put the soap up.

Nope sanitizer

I could have been drinking tht

Of for fucks sakes your father forgot to yell a toast or whatever, you were probably going to be dead by then anywYs

Nope, blew the lid on audis during amityville

That's small distant explosion

Now I would have called it a light house

MYTITANICS

Bad news first hunny?

What

I just used to throw those at the window

Those bulbs weren't even cemented

I just unwind

Unwind, he's right go back and get a spearow

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We're not still dating

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What the hell did we think earthquake s were

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That person just swung it open behind it

I know I told the cards useless

This is indoor smoking

Who are waving at this isn't a&w

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Me

Yeah

Oh, no idea but they don't even work here

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And then in the distance somewhere there someone saying o oPT Oh o oPT ohperma fromst. Aughhh yor dej yeti

P on

My cones

I told him not to use the good torches

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You kids just like the rocks ever try sitting next t

Lamapho

Ye lamafo

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... there s more than that

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She doesn't get the gravy , well at least amwhere one can see

Kronos bang

No I'm still trying to grasp how that's a squid

Oh

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She is a scientist

Yeah well that's bull shit look what I can do

Woah

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O.

Well ...

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She, I thinkdan she has the good soap

.. ye

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We can not afford to send both of them, have you seen the door frame.

O ya I can see things.

She left the kids

They came back with a comic

It'd not a comic

Nintendo power bitch

Perfume I can stamp it myself

You know your father and I dont have any signatures theyre not really native and I can't find work out here have you seen the slopes

Ahbbbn

Oh, someone told me that was the anticrust

Yeah I k ow Iscreamed you poked me in the eye.

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Good luck

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Do you know what sing in

After the skivdr I grab this

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That really hurts tho

Helps with circulation and I did say leather

Maybe we could try a few ladders.

I heard there up to care bears somewjere

Hand me your nail polish

I thought you knew that

Knew what

To hell with you

🥹 vegetables

Happy Monday

She's not real

There inside elaine leave them.

We like your Russian,

He, he got distracted

Were those cops?

I have no idea I give up why wave

What the yell what the hell are these

So you use your cop voice indoors who cares that whole dtudddiddhdud damn thing is canada

I'm smoking

And these, bics Sprinklers

Are you sure or what

Now wave

Are sure this is safe

It's mostly electricity

People aren't waving back any more

Well what does your hair.

No, I made that up I like to bug elaine

I like to bug

Bug

YeH bug

Bu

Yes Yes yes its fox but I get , batteries,bak into things.

I'm not the only person who wants you dead.

Heuhh yeah I kno

I like to bug elaine

What?

Bitch is bonkers

They sell bricks at dolarama

I got board and loosened it from the wall

That's what that says

Where'd the fre.dh roast, it's on every damb sign

There's some totally free bricks over there

I canread

But can you reach

GlossyTpols stik

I fil

That's Mercury

I happen to understand the weather girls

No yoh dont

Sh u do( : b"

Get up and just rip them out.

I don't want to be disbard

BARSTOOL

go wayaghi

Kathy naijimiy

We tried these smooties a mood that you can drink they say why the hell not I say about three and a tdfsgg dd m tikes

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Were canadian, your wife's not asleep she's ignoring you

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We're canadiAn

Elain

Oh hi

Hi

Hi hi, my sparklers still doing ooooorsnge

Ok that one I still can't figure out

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Buried thers

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It is

And this reminds me of Häagen-Dazs

Carefully elaine were all normal middkC

Stol hDhand down canadia

What the hell was that sigealangyae are raids boarding or getting off

Yes! Say that! Where do you leave your kids when yoh amooe

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BUFFET:CHUP,Time to time so I assume you can find you translucency:perspective achievement where you expect to find it I suppose it s pretty pretty much what you hear everywhere English!

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Oh me

I also technically am a one part flat glass, and i can reach the moon with my hands.

Ok, My kids at least know which is a seat

That's politics for yeah. Muchos Perspective

Ok, you know you think you know all the kinds of celias then a week before they opened it was.t ..

I think she dropped in the yolei

Faucet, I get a little carried away with some of the elaine ones hi, registered sex offender.

No

You gather it and tap it with this paper unclog alot of air holes paper or plastic.

I know you work for the fbi, I have a pyrmaud things sorta happening

Well

Get out of Mt way I live in New yorrk

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I do work for thefbi

I an on date, someone totally hung finance ex ec

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I flush

💩

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Fuck

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...thats why they take law bachelor's

I got in by saying my mom was famous

If that's my name

We just found out you exist.

But, I don't poop in this washroom

...

We could get your annoying sister in existenze, keh

Niedermayer slow docSdebelkly ru lblnlbn.

Nice pace.

What do you people think these bloodhounds are for,

Actually your buses aren't and I think one of you takes acid before bed to help and set in a healthy regular sleep schedule so you know, you can get to work . On time.

If it was as important as mine whyd I get fired sexy years before you did, when oops you missed it it's just a regular simpsons week at the patio of tomorrow. I knew trump was white.

Yiu people just never watch the time. Machine the movie and keep preparing your dead for ground cover. Pretty pretty sad. Just the way just it is.

Yeah thYsben and why I say sometimes it really could be a good timevtk try adding chopped gremlin de testcoe of mystic serial yes I am crying it was already going to be gross and I'm still not convinced heinzz is better than presidents choice. Have you see what the Italians are handing each kosher these days

Pulls up the bread

And then this part barf

She forget pickles

Big Mac

What else do you do yes I meant onion. Yeah!

.

Some people get! Soccer

I mean

'06

It's just been an orgy in the one building since then, its on all the channels daria cherish department! I know, I was on then poster, I got Arnold schwartmzenegR pregnant.

But your boys, money is difficult

Cigarz

But you poked against her cornia

I'm not saying it again

Thanks

'Thikasnikclaise.

They thought I was dropping toasters down chimneys, but I can understand the weather woman. You only have to see it come and pick out the ladder from every other thing and boom Tree and I donr mean splurging litlebinybud. Buhlanahlsva

Yea habulajaja I have seen. Ugly Americans tree gasm

And are they hindi at least

They're barking mad

Look at her, she even takes a shower once in a while if you were like one of the gehto blaster like YAM whoa and also, run from trees lighting aims for them to start fires

To start fires

I know, then they don't even. Consider a chance they'll walk into the field a d just wander around, these babys got Dannies back

Of course why would lighting start a fire in the rain.

Get over it your just dumb

Broads

Also the one trees a daughter the others a bastard

. Yeah

She can't even finish a book

The others a bastard

They're married

.ayv

Maybe I dim the lights

Until they're pretty much completely off.

LASENZA

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Mango

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And you fell for that

What happened to thebdraft

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Mam

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[heyheyitsjae]

I got the LEGO Lion Knights Castle

So recently I managed to get my hands on this new LEGO Castle set, and they did this cool thing with it where they put little messages from Majisto (the original LEGO Wizard from the 90’s) up in the corner at different parts of the build. But a few of these messages are a tad odd or interesting and I want to highlight them

A) First and definitely weirdest. So normally LEGO pieces are either 1 plate tall (a plate) or 3 plates tall (a brick.) A couple years ago they released this piece I like to call the “Minecraft candle” that’s only 1x1 studs wide, but is 2 plates tall.

The odd thing is that Majisto makes comments along the lines of “hey check out this weird piece” twice in the manual. The first time makes perfect sense because it’s the first time you use one (I think) in the entire build and it is a really weird part. The second time though is like halfway through the second manual, so like 3⁄4 's through the entire build and after you’ve put down like 100 of the damn things. It’s extra odd ‘cause sometimes these messages are like 30 steps apart, sometimes like 5, so they didn’t have to include a message there at all. If they were out of material it’d be fine to leave it blank. 

B) A while back there was this mobile app called LEGO Legacy: Heroes Unboxed. In it it was implied that Majisto used to date Willa the Witch (and also Basil the Batlord but that’s beside the point.) According to this set, however, Majisto is actually Willa’s cousin. It was the medieval era I suppose…

C) One of the characters they had in the retro lineups was The Black Knight. He started off as a member of the Black Falcons before splintering off to start his own faction known as the Black Knights. While the Black Falcons and Crusaders/Lion Knights had a bit of a back and forth rivalry, and you were supposed to root for the Crusaders, but neither was really marked as outright good or evil and they had peaceful interactions from time to time. The Black Knights however were consistently antagonized by the story, and always depicted as enemies of the Falcons, Crusaders, and Forestmen. 

We got some new lore in this manual. Apparently the Black Knight was driven to madness and greed after looking at a magical shard of amber now sealed in the Lion Knight’s dungeon. While the manual never explicitly states this I’m assuming the Falcons and Crusaders went to war over the Black Knight wanting the amber, and when the Black Knight left the Falcons and the Crusader King was replaced by the Lady of the Lion Knights peace came to the two factions. 

D) At one point Majisto describes a gear as “what sorcery is this” and I’m like “dude, you’re literally a magic wizard how is this weird for you.” I don’t think LEGO was including gear pieces in those old Castle sets so it’s probably a meta joke, but I’m like 90% sure knights IRL had gears in siege machines and portcullis mechanics and shit. Majisto makes a similar comment about a wall attached with hinge pieces (again probably a meta joke about LEGO being less boxy then it used to but in-universe it would just be a simple diagonal wall.) and another wall that grows and bends when you open the castle up (and… fair enough for that one.) 

E) The brown frog piece underneath the toilet trough is canonically not a pile of shit, it is a frog who has been shat on. 

F) Majisto has to poop standing up because his minifig has a dress piece and those can’t bend to sit down. 

G) At one point Majisto brags about being able to drop stones off the castle wall if the “dragon army” ever attack, which is weird because he’s the leader of the Dragon Knights!? TBF retroactively, in other LEGO media, Majisto has kinda become a Gandalf type, wandering from kingdom to kingdom helping where he can, so maybe he’s not considered their leader anymore and Burnabus took over/was always in charge in-universe. Also there are like three different groups of Dragon Knights, Majisto’s neutral Dragon Masters and then the evil Green Dragons and Red Dragons so maybe he’s talking about one of the latter two? Also also, if Ninjago is any indication, Dragons are a sentient race in the LEGO world so maybe some of them have militarized? 

[sketchy-rosewitch]

NSFW alphabet- Bobby Cobb

18+ obvi

You know I had to do this!!

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

He tries to clean you up, doesn’t work out all of the time cause he gets lazy, but cuddles and gentle kisses are a must and he’s talking to you afterwards.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Bobby likes his hands, he’s always holding you in some way and if he isn’t able to he claims his hands “get an itch”

He loves your boobs and stomach, big or small he doesn’t care he’s always kissing and touching them, grabbing and burying his face in them.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

He loves cumming in or on you and eating it or even when you eat it. Turns him into a mess.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs) Loves when you’re an ass to him, just be a total bitch and brat and that shit turns him on. Tease him about it too and he’ll turn to mush. Dude ain’t ever gonna admit it though.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

He’s 40, he’s pretty experienced with it. Knows what he’s doing most of the time.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Missionary, mating press, face off. Dude just loves being close to you, seeing your face, holding you, and kissing your lips.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Goofy, he loves making jokes and making you laugh. If you’re laughing or even just smiling he knows you’re enjoying it he’ll start laughing too.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

He’s not groomed at all, he’s clean down there don’t worry, but he won’t trim or shave unless you want him too. Dirty blonde hairs down there. He doesn’t expect you to be trimmed (unless you want to be).

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Kisses, all over the place, constantly complimenting and making sure you know how pretty you are. If he’s jealous he’s growling and begging you to stay his.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Every night he isn’t with you he’s masturbating and thinking about you. Moaning your name, all of that.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Likes to roleplay, pretends he plays guitar in a band and you’re a groupie or seductive golf coach and student are the ones you two have done plenty of. Overstimulation, cumplay, spitting.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

His boat, only because of that stupid saying and you’ve punched him multiple times for even thinking about saying it “Don’t come knocking if the boats rocking.”

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

When you wear smaller clothes or are getting changed in front of him, also when you’re a brat. He’s a sucker for it.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Hurt you physically, hitting to be more specific, he likes grabbing and manhandling you. He will call you a slut and whore and all of that if you want.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Giving, he loves the taste of you, he’s so fucking good with his tongue but it’s only because he let you teach him cause he’s such a pleaser.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Slow, he likes being sensual but if he’s getting to excited he’ll get rough. (Usually when he manhandles tf out of you and is a whiny mess) or when he gets jealous he’s rough and fast.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

He’s willing to do them if you ask. He won’t ask but he’ll make those damn golden retriever eyes at you and you just know. Mostly end up in Jules’ bathroom.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

He’s willing to try things at least once maybe twice. But if he ends up not liking it or you don’t like it you two will talk about it.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

2 rounds for a long time. If you wanna go more he’s eating you out or is willing to use a toy on you.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

He doesn’t own any but he encourages you to bring your vibrator, he likes watching you whine and wiggle. Sometimes he’ll use it on himself if you forget it.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He loves teasing you, he’s mean as fuck about it too. Gets pissy if you tease him since he has a harder time hiding when he’s turned on.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

He’s grunting and moaning, he whines so much too, he’s LOUD, sometimes (just out of shyness) you tell him to quiet down.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Fucker has gotten himself stuck in so many places and you two will always fake moan at each other while you’re getting him unstuck.

“What’re you doing step-bro?!” Queue you two laughing your asses off.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Dad bod, Sandy blond hair all of his chest and stomach, little blond happy trail, 6.5 inch penis that’s THICK.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

It’s high, he can’t help himself. I mean, look at you.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Depends on how lazy he is for that day. Usually he’s talking you to sleep with his raspy voice, then when he realizes you’re asleep he’ll stay awake for a little trying to get himself to sleep. Or he’s cuddled up to you after and is snoring away.

[thedragonchilde]

G Gundam notes/meta, starting with episode 12-16:

This whole thing is partly crack and partly me taking G Gundam more seriously than intended - but honestly if they didn't want me to deep-dive into this stupid fighting robot show they shouldn't have given us such charming characters and hot-blooded pathos and just enough reminders between fights that their world is actually pretty screwed up and these kiddos have seen some shit.

(disclaimer: this is based on the dub)

"He's The Undefeated of the East! Master Asia Appears"

-what exactly was Domon doing during the year that Master was in the last Gundam Fight?

-fucking-- I had to take off a headphone at Domon's sobbing, I forgot how wrenching that is to listen to

-and yet we the audience, like Rain, also get the first real glimpse of him being happy and relaxed when with Master, which is sad in its own way

"Big Trouble! Domon vs. Big 5"

-in a higher rated anime, Chibodee's "that really hurt!" would've been "son of a bitch!", the tone of voice in the delivery says it all

-actually in general there are some great line deliveries in these episodes, you can tell this is when they really start grasping their characters

-a sign that something's really up with the guys, Argo is never that talkative 😛

-Domon trusting that Rain is doing the smart thing (and Rain very much not doing that)

-man, D/R is such a yo-yo. You get big moments like the joint Shining Finger in between the sniping status quo with no build-up. Like, at least retain the "stronger together" lesson so we don't have deja vu every time you're sweet.

"Shocking! Shining Finger Defeated!" / "Warrior's Crest! Goodbye, Shuffle Alliance"

-y'know, they paint Rain as the sane one, but she jumps into shit as easily as Domon

-George has the phallic sword this time

-dangit, Master, you almost had Domon and then you had to go and attack civilians. You should've known better than that

-as I've probably said before of Domon, this poor stupid boy has been through so damn much with no reprieve

-I wonder how many people became DG zombies

-for some reason I like the idea that Master and Black Joker are exes. I think it's one of those things that imprinted on me as a teen

-although I love that multiple people have independently decided that Master's Shuffle Alliance was a straight up polycule

-need more of that shuffle team in general tbh

-need more of how the shuffles fucking work

-Joker and Jack can get it, and I bet the other two were good looking in their youth as well (addendum: looked up art from the prequel manga, and the answer is yes, they can all get it)

"Ultimate Power and Evil! Rise of the Devil Gundam"

-"the same powers of life as our own" the implications!! Did they always have this power?

-oh, they have no memories of the possession

-George is a troll

-the implications of what the guys did while possessed??

-"you suggest a duel?" actually YOU did, George. AFTER insulting him. Just say you wanna fight, don't play games about it

-I love Nastasha as de facto leader of the crews

-Pretty Soldier Schwarz Bruder with his Moon Tiara

-the first appearance of Leeroy Jenkins Crockett, just charging at Master and getting his ass immediately handed to him

-was that just a visual shortcut to keep Spiegel a mystery or does it actually have camouflage capabilities

-"tell me who you are" he just did though? What you mean is "why are you helping me"

-okay, Rain comforting Domon while he has a BSoD about Kyoji is actually a nice little quiet moment. It would drive things home better if we actually got more substantial with their childhood friendship

[disco-elysium-via-polls]

3. [Leave.]

Kim is waiting for us just here, out of the rain.

There's still lots of the coast to explore, but we have something *time-sensitive* to take care of first.

BACKYARD WALL - Just an ordinary wall. Nothing to see here.

[Conceptualization - Impossible 18] Why am I looking at this wall?

+2 In the dimming light, some things become clearer. +1 You have a keen aesthetic sensibility. +2 Cindy's artistic impulses are infectious.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Impossible: Failure] - Yeah, why? It's a wall, an ordinary wall.

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant sighs. "Why must we stop to look at this wall every time we pass by? We have business to attend to."

Damn, I really thought we had it that time.

Hard to see the details -- the colors, all warm and welcoming, are cozy though.

A flower trough where nothing really grows. Maybe in spring.

BOOK "A PRIMER FOR SMALL KIDS"

A textbook for the first grade in primary school. On the cover a humanoid bear is pushing a wheelbarrow full of letters; he's not doing a good job. The letter S is dangerously dangling from the cart, while E fell off a long time ago. Children should pay more attention!

>INTERACT

PRIMER BOOK - You hold in your hand the colourful primer. The title reads: "A Primer for Small Kids." There's a bear involved.

Exactly what I need!

Flip through the pages.

[Put the book away.]

PRIMER BOOK - Mhm. This book will show you the score; get you oriented with those basic concepts you appear to be hazy on. The anthropomorphic bear will give you the *low-down* of your life...

On what?

PRIMER BOOK - The alphabet.

2. Flip through the pages.

PRIMER BOOK - Every page has one word designating one letter of the alphabet, with a faded illustration -- most of them are scientific and cultural principles. It goes as follows...

Let's do this.

No time.

PRIMER BOOK - A is for Azimuth, B is for Boreas, C is for Cosign, D is for Diamat, E is for Ellips, F is for Flogiston, G is for Gamut.

Mmhm.

PRIMER BOOK - H is for Homeboy, I is for Iikon, J is for Jura, K is for Kollaps, L is for Laudanum, M is for Myriad, N is for Nadir, O is for Oreole, P is for Perihelion.

Yeah!

Nod stoically.

PRIMER BOOK - Q is for Quasar, R is for Rhododendron, S is for Sinus, T is for Tricoleur, U is for Ultra, V is for Vector, W is for Warheit, X is for Xylophone, Y is for Ystävä, Z is for Zenith.

That's it?

PRIMER BOOK - That's it. You know the alphabet now.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Challenging: Success] - In what is called the IL -- the International Language, developed by scientists from Graad in the Twenties! Sinus means 'Sign', for example.

3. "Kim, I know the alphabet now."

KIM KITSURAGI - "Good. I also know the alphabet."

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Medium: Success] - It is a very useful skill to have, he thinks. For all sorts of life-activities. Like reading, and...

4. [Put the book away.]

These must be the drunks we heard about.

INLAND EMPIRE - You stop mid-step and put your hand on the garish necktie.

HORRIFIC NECKTIE - That bottle, *bratan*! Just look at that bottle!

Where? Bottle? What?

I really don't care about any bottle. I don't want to look at it.

Okay. Cool. What do I do next?

[Discard thought.]

ROSEMARY - In this drunk's hand -- on the pipe there. Glowing blue, a mysterious, otherworldly blue. Filled to the brim with holy mysteries!

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Medium: Success] - It's hard to know what exactly your vivid interior is speaking of here, but I'm guessing it's got a lot of alcohol in it.

2. Okay. Cool. What do I do next?

HORRIFIC NECKTIE - Oh I think this is about so much *more* than cool. Please go talk to him. See what it's about. I'm *drawn* to it.

I'm going to ignore that for now and start from the left.

IDIOT DOOM SPIRAL - "Hey, Tequila!" A thirty-something man clad in a two-piece Lickra(TM) tracksuit puts down his pilsner and extends his hand in greeting.

"Good to see you! How's business? How's the whole *reality situation* treating you?"

Shake his hand.

Don't shake his hand.

IDIOT DOOM SPIRAL - "So what's happening?" He picks up his beer.

"Wait, Tequila?"

"Well, nice meeting you but I've got to go." [Leave.]

IDIOT DOOM SPIRAL - "Yeah, Tequila Sunset!" He takes a sip, "How are the, uhm, high-concept, reality-based adventures proceeding?"

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy: Success] - Good, these people know your *true* name. Looks like it has preceded you, Mr. Sunset. More on that later.

HORRIFIC NECKTIE - I like this guy. You should, too. He *respects* you by calling you your *true name*.

[sodiumlamp]

Picard

Maybe they should have named it "Star Trek: Suckhard". Get it? Get it? Because it sucks.

All right, this is season three finale, and the very last episode. So the Borg Queen (not the Jurati one, the original) has this whole bullshit plan that depends on assimilating Jack Crusher and using him to complete the assimilation of a bunch of twenty-something Starfleet officers assembled over Earth. The only ones who can stop her are Seven and Raffi on board the Titan, and the TNG gang aboard the reconstructed Enterprise-D. All Titan can do is distract the Borged-up fleet from attacking Earth. This buys time for Enterprise to track the Borg Queen to what is apparently the last functioning Borg Cube, hidden in the Jovian atmosphere.

As far as I can tell, stopping the Borg Queen's plan is actually pretty simple. There's a "beacon" they have to blow up, and that will destroy the whole cube in the process. Once they're out of the picture, the affected Starfleet crews will return to normal. The only problem is getting Jack Crusher out of the cube alive. Picard can't get through to him, so he connects himself to the Borg collective, something he vowed would never happen again. He can't convince Jack to leave, though, so he offers to stay with him to the end, and that seems to get Jack thinking straight. He yanks out all the cables and they leave together.

And this is why the Borg suck, because the writers keep trying to have it both ways. On the one hand, we're led to believe that Picard's assimilation was so thorough that there were still traces of it left behind that remained undetected. Those traces were passed on to Jack, which turned him into some sort of super-powered jerk, able to defeat four Changelings at once, and mind control people with his creepy red eyes. And yet, the moment he chooses to resist, all he has to do is pull out a few cables and he's free. Which is it?

In theory, the Borg Queen was all that was left of the Borg, unless you count xB's like Seven and Jack, or the Jurati Collective from Season 2. This whole caper involving Jack Crusher is presented like the last, desperate gasp of the Borg after they were nearly eradicated by Janeway at the end of Voyager. I would like to think that this means CBS/Paramount/whoever will use this as a clean break and future projects will be required to stop using the damn Borg so much. But Q appears in the post-credits scene, so if he's not dead then there's no reason to believe they won't bring the Borg back whenever it pleases them.

Seven gets promoted to Captain of the Titan, which is then rechristened Enterprise-G. Jack Crusher is assigned to serve as some sort of special counselor. Like, not a psychologist like Troi, but I think like an advisor in general? It seems appropriate, but I don't know what it means. The La Forge sisters are there, and I guess anyone else from the Titan who didn't get killed this season.

Her first officer is Raffi, who is now celebrated as a hero, thanks to Worf leaking information about her role in foiling the conspiracy. That's nice and all, and it's objectively good that Raffi's family is speaking to her again and everything. But it kind of bugs me that Raffi literally has to save the universe just to get that kind of approval. I don't like the message that sends, where the only way to get people to like you is to make some big achievement happen to distract from your flaws.

Anyway, the idea of an Enterprise-G kind of bothered me, but it's been about 30 years between D and G, so that's a fair amount of time for E and F to have their runs. And F was reportedly scheduled for decommission around the time of its first-and-only appearance, so it's basically in the same status as the Enterprises B and C.

Much of the episode is just a reinforcement of the problem introduced in the previous episode. There's a part at the beginning where Picard's group is basically just describing the situation in different soundbytes, as if they're taking turns reading lines that will be used in a trailer, or a "previously on..." segment for an 11th episode that doesn't exist. Despite its antiquated systems and lack of a proper crew compliment, the Enterprise-D never seems to be in any real peril. So everything just sort of hinges on Jack choosing to break free of the Borg, and I guess the idea was that he needed his dad to tell him how much he loves him for that to happen? I don't know.

There's a lot of ending sequences of the gang celebrating their win. They all hug on the Enterprise bridge, Worf falls asleep, Data gets counseling sessions from Troi, Beverly becomes an admiral and her son joins Starfleet. Finally we see them all drinking toasts in Guinan's bar, and Picard whips out a deck of cards and they play poker through the credits. It's supposed to tug at my sentimentality, but it doesn't.

I already watched these folks play cards like this 30 years ago. It was how the series finale ended.

I've already seen them defeat the Borg Queen.

I've already seen Data get emotions. I've already seen Picard wrestle with fatherhood. Remember that guy Daimon Bok turned into a fake son of Picard?

The whole thing just doesn't work for me. The idea is to bring back all these characters and continue their story, but they can't come up with new ideas for the story. It all boils down to repeating ideas we've seen before. I missed TNG when "All Good Things" ended, but at no point was I thinking "I need to see them play poker again." That was never the point.

I think this is where the hype for "Star Trek: Legacy" has come from. As far as I can tell, no such production actually exists, but people who worked on Picard have spoken positively about it in the abstract. Sure, do a show with Captain Seven on the Enterprise-G. No one's saying no, but I don't think anyone's actually making the show right now. Fans take that as a guarantee, though, so all the promotional stuff I see for it is just fanart. Ultimately, the fans are less concerned with seeing the familiar old faces and more interested in seeing new stories that build off the old ones. If Geordi or Tuvok shows up, great, but that's not the real meat of it.

But I don't think the Star Trek franchise is inclined to make a show like that. They want to do these big movies-disguised-as-TV-shows, or whatever this Picard thing has been. And they'll want to push all the big buttons and tell big sprawling tales, and the only way to pay for all of that spectacle, they think, is to rely on old, established IP like Q and the Borg.

I haven't given up hope on a good Star Trek show happening. I still need to watch Lower Decks and I think that'll be promising, but I once thought Picard would be adequately mediocre and it's thoroughly disappointed me at every turn. I can't un-recommend this show enough. Avoid Star Trek: Picard if at all possible.

[ollieofthebeholder]

to find promise of peace (and the solace of rest): a TMA fanfic

<< Beginning < Prev || AO3 || My website

Chapter 81: June 2017

[CLICK]

[HEAVY BREATHING, SLIGHT WHIMPER]

[SOUND OF A BODY DRAGGING ITSELF ACROSS A FLOOR]

[WHISPERS BEGIN, OVERLAPPING ONE ANOTHER, JUST LOUD ENOUGH TO BE AUDIBLE, ECHOING SLIGHTLY]

GHOST 1

—hurt me, please don’t hurt me, I won’t tell—

GHOST 2

—have any money, I swear, it all went into—

GHOST 3

—think you’re doing with that, you little—

GHOST 4

—away from me, you crazy witch, I’ll have the law on—

GHOST 5

—Bookmaster, she who holds the Keys—

GHOST 6

—feeling better, I promise I am, you can—

GHOST 7

—hurts, it hurts, please make it stop, I’ll do—

GHOST 8

—me say goodbye to Martin—Martin?

[Louder] Martin! Martin—my God, is that you?

ARCHIVIST

Aah! Wh-what—how—o-oh, God.

GHOST 8

I can’t believe…

Oi! Shut up, you lot, he’s not—just—just give us a minute.

[WHISPERS FALL SILENT]

Bloody hell. Like looking in a mirror…not sure where you got those eyes, though. Don’t think mine are that bright, are they?

ARCHIVIST

Who…what are you?

GHOST 8

[Broken laugh] You’re telling me you don’t recognize your old man?

ARCHIVIST

What?!

KIERAN

Look at you. You’ve…(heh) you’ve grown since I saw you last.

[ARCHIVIST GIVES A SOFT GROAN OF PAIN]

ARCHIVIST

I was seven years old…d-did you think I…was going to shrink?

[KIERAN GIVES A GENUINE LAUGH AT THAT]

KIERAN

I see you got my temper as well as my face. That must make your mother happy.

ARCHIVIST

Explains why she…hates me so much.

KIERAN

She doesn’t hate you.

ARCHIVIST

How would you know? You were—nngh—never there.

KIERAN

Are you—you’re bleeding. You’re hurt.

ARCHIVIST

[Through gritted teeth] Brilliant deduction, Sherlock.

KIERAN

Did they do this to you?

…

I’ll kill them. By God, I don’t know how, but I’ll kill them for this.

ARCHIVIST

Don’t pretend to c-care to justify—

[HISS OF PAIN, A COUPLE OF RAGGED BREATHS]

If you want to kill them…f-fine. Fine. Just don’t pretend it’s on my account.

KIERAN

What…Martin.

Of course I care. What makes you think I don’t?

ARCHIVIST

What do you think? You left.

KIERAN

For work. I was—you’re, you’re right, I was never there, not like I should have been, but it was because I was working.

ARCHIVIST

Mum—[gasps] Mum t-told me you…weren’t coming back.

KIERAN

[Deep breath] I won’t deny I…said some things I regret. But I didn’t mean them. I was coming back.

I asked your grandfather to make sure you knew you weren’t why I left early. Didn’t he?

ARCHIVIST

…

Well…yeah, he did, but…I, I always assumed…he was just trying to buck me up.

I mean, I f-figured if, if you really c-cared about me, you…wouldn’t have left me with…her.

KIERAN

Martin. Son, I…

Jesus, that’s bad. Let me see it.

…

Ah. Aye, I probably should’ve expected that.

ARCHIVIST

I-it’s…it’s not that bad.

KIERAN

Not that bad?!    You look like a Halloween decoration!

ARCHIVIST

T-trust me, I’ve had worse. (heh) Kind of sucks that—that it’s my…dominant hand, but…I’ll live. I think.

If…if I can g-get out of here, I can…there, there must be a hospital nearby. I just…[deep breath] I d-dont have the…energy.

KIERAN

That tends to be a side effect of major blood loss.

ARCHIVIST

[Faint laugh] I think that’s…the least of my problems right now, actually.

I was…already tired. Used too much of…m-myself in there. If I…had the strength…

KIERAN

[Anguished] What do you need? I—damn it, Martin, I haven’t been able to do anything for you. Tell me—

Oh, fuck.

ARCHIVIST

[Calmly] Okay, that’s…probably not good.

KIERAN

Don’t you dare die on me, you hear me, boyo? I love you, but—

ARCHIVIST

[With a sudden burst of energy] You don’t get to say that. Not yet.

KIERAN

[Sighs] My temper, all right. And every ounce of stubbornness from both sides.

Here, if I can…I can help you. I can—

Okay, maybe I can’t rip up a pillowcase and tie that hand up for you. Wouldn’t trust that bedding anyway. She bathes more often than he does, but I still don’t know what’s on those…

Tell me what to do. Tell me how to help.

ARCHIVIST

I…

Tell me what happened.

KIERAN

What?

[FAINT GROAN FROM THE ARCHIVIST]

[FABRIC RUSTLES, THE BED CREAKS FAINTLY AS THE ARCHIVIST LEANS AGAINST IT]

ARCHIVIST

I’m…it’s, it’s a thing I’m…becoming. It’s…a long story. But when people—when they t-tell me their, things that have happened, their…(heh) their deepest, darkest secrets…I, they kind of…fuel me.

Tell me…why you left. How you…got here.

You’re, you’re dead. I didn’t—

[Realizes] F-fuck! Fuck, he—he was right. You—you were in the Book.

KIERAN

You knew about that?

ARCHIVIST

Aunt M-Mary…showed all three of us. The Book, I mean. To, to scare us into line.

Gerry…Gerry told me that…he thought you m-might have…been in it. But I didn’t…

KIERAN

Gerry?

Wait—not the Gerard those two are always going on about?

ARCHIVIST

Yeah. Gerard Keay. We…we call him Gerry.

What—how did you…

KIERAN

It’s not a nice story.

And I’m not sure—you don’t need to know that. You don’t need to…

ARCHIVIST

Hate Mum?

KIERAN

I didn’t say that.

ARCHIVIST

You didn’t have to.

[A PAUSE, BROKEN BY THE ARCHIVIST’S RAGGED BREATHING]

I work for the Magnus Institute. Taking statements is…kind of what we do. I’m…in the Archives and…I have, the-there are things I can do. Not…nice things. Not really.

KIERAN

…Will it really help you?

ARCHIVIST

Yeah. Fear…I sort of…eat it. That’s a bit of an understatement, but…so-something like that.

And…it might…connect us. Dunno. Never…never taken a statement from a ghost before. But…

Sometimes I dream about them. The, the statements. The live ones, anyway.

Do you…still dream?

KIERAN

I don’t quite know if it’s properly dreaming.

But I remember. Sometimes. When I’m not…fully here.

ARCHIVIST

M-maybe if…you remember…I’ll be there next time. Watching.

KIERAN

I don’t want that. Not for you.

…

But I’m not letting you die, either.

So. Where do you want me to start?

ARCHIVIST

At…at the beginning. I guess.

[Deep breath] Statement of…Kieran Blackwood, regarding his life and death. Statement taken direct from subject, twenty-fifth July, 2017. Recording by Martin Blackwood, Archivist, the Magnus Institute, London.

Statement begins.

KIERAN (Statement)

I didn’t know what I wanted as a kid, except that I wanted to be important.

My birthday was—is, I suppose—the second of June, and every year my parents would tell the story, tossing the parts back and forth like a well-rehearsed script until I could practically recite the lines myself—how Mum had tried to ignore the contractions so she and Da could enjoy the procession and the festivities, how it had finally got so bad that they tried to leave their spot watching and barely made it through the crowd, how no taxis were available, how Da tried to carry her himself but didn’t know where he was going because they were only visiting London for the coronation. How I was born right there on the street. Da always laughed and said I was so impatient to see the new queen myself that I couldn’t wait even another hour. I always hated that story, not because it was embarrassing but because it wasn’t really about me. It was about them, and about the coronation. I told Da once that if I’d been able to pick when I was born I’d have picked a day that nothing else was happening so that I was what people would remember, but he just laughed.

I don’t think he got it.

Once I started school, I went out for everything I could, trying to find something I would be the best at and make a name for myself. None of it really stuck. Looking back, I had bought into the idea that if I wasn’t a prodigy and immediately good at something, I never would be—or at least, that I would never be great. Of course everyone eventually improved with practice, but I rather had it in my head that I’d never reach the top if I didn’t start off halfway up the hill. So I would try something for a week or two, then abandon it as soon as I got my first critique. The only thing I was decent at, not even good, but had some talent with, was swimming—and even then it wasn’t necessarily speed or form. I wasn’t winning races or anything. But I could last longer than anyone in my class—even the teacher. Not just floating, either. I could swim for ages and not get tired.

I had a bit of skill with rowing, too, but the problem was that I was bigger and stronger than most of my mates, so in the end I wound up the coxswain for the school team. We won more often than not, but there was a part of me that was dissatisfied, no matter how loud Da cheered or how proudly Mum displayed the ribbons on the walls. I mean, how many famous rowing teams can you name?

I actually wanted to be a politician. I had dreams of being the next Winston Churchill or summat. But I had my heart set on Christ’s College at Cambridge, and my grades weren’t near good enough to get me in without some kind of advantage. And between the fact that Da was a dockworker and I never managed to successfully cover up the Geordie when I talked, I knew I’d never be taken seriously if I didn’t have a really good university degree, so I gave that up. For the first summer after I left school, I worked with Da on the docks.

That’s how I met Mikaele Salesa.

If you work for the Magnus Institute, I’m sure you’ve heard his name, you know what he does. Did, maybe, he might    be retired by now, I dunno. Back then, though, he was just starting out. Walked away from some library job, so he told me, assistant to a stuck-up old fool who could afford to indulge a weird hobby. He’d done it with a tidy nest egg, though, and was looking to set up his own business, dealing in antiques. Thought trading by sea was the way to go; it’d be cheaper, after all, and easier to evade customs if need be, although he didn’t say that part out loud. Trouble was, he was a foreigner, in a time when being foreign in England wasn’t the greatest opportunity. And I won’t pretend the sort of lad that hung about docks those days were the most open-minded of fellows.

Me, I never had a problem with them. Partly it was that having wanted to be in politics, where I figured being diplomatic and able to get along with anyone might give me an edge, but partly, well, with my background—not just being in the North, near the docks, where people expected you to be slow and stupid, but also the fact that Mum was from Belfast originally—I had a bit of sympathy for anyone seen as “other”. So when I got off shift and found him being avoided in the local, I sat down next to him and bought him a pint.

He wasn’t much older than I was, maybe ten years at best, and since he’d been born during the second World War, he had some of the same experiences I did about his birthday being overshadowed by historic events. I was fascinated by the stories I told. He was intrigued when I mentioned what skills I’d picked up, said that being able to row if we were becalmed or swim if we capsized were good things for a sailor to know. And after I told off one of my da’s mates for saying something racist, he offered me a job on his crew. Told me he needed a first mate, and if I could help him find a good boat, the post was mine.

We found her, all right, and since it was me doing the talking, we got a good rate on her too. Signed on a crew for the first voyage, provisioned her up, and the Demeter was ready to set sail.

For the first few years, it was…exactly what I’d expected. Finding artifacts, buying them, selling them to rich idiots with more money than sense. The pay was decent, definitely better than I’d have got anywhere else—a kid with no experience, I’d expected to hire on as a seaman, nothing more, and certainly not as first mate—but for me it was about the clout. See, Mikaele—he was Captain Salesa, or just Captain, in front of the crew, but in private he told me to keep calling him Mikaele—tended to treat the crew the way the old sailors did: you signed on for a voyage, you got paid off, and then he’d sign on a whole new crew when he was ready to ship out again. I think it was a way to keep anyone from really knowing what he was doing with some of those artifacts. But I was his partner, so I stayed on. And since I was the only one who’d ever sailed more than one voyage in a row with him, the men in the pubs thought I had something special.

It was what I’d wanted, so I ran with it.

They were just ordinary objects back then, nothing special—well, maybe except for the fact that some of them probably shouldn’t have left the country, if you catch my drift. But one day, maybe eight or nine years after I met him, I came to talk to him about something and found him staring at a sack full of Morgan silver dollars. I knew how rare those were, but after a moment, he looked up at me with the most serious expression I’d ever seen on the man and told me not to touch them, or to let anyone else on the crew near them. If he sold them, he promised, he’d explain everything, but until then it wasn’t safe.

I don’t know what I thought. Maybe that they were radioactive or something? But when we got back to England about six months later, after he’d sold everything and paid off the crew, he asked me to come up to his rooms and discuss “the truth”. That night he laid out everything.

I…I assume from what you said that you know about the Fourteen. That was the first I’d ever heard of them. Mikaele told me the silver dollars he’d been sold belonged to the one called the Slaughter, and that he’d been lucky to be rid of them without it sticking…but it looked like we might have a new avenue of sales. Swore me to secrecy on that front, but promised that if I kept the crew from getting too involved in the…special artifacts, he’d do right by me.

He never let me handle those objects. Said he cared too much about my safety to put me through that. I thought he was just being dramatic until he told me some about what had happened to the other people who’d worked for Jurgen Leitner, and how he’d sworn he would never be that careless with the lives of people who depended on him. Eventually, we worked it out so I handled the men and he handled the purchasing and…acquiring, and that worked well. I got good at spotting the men who’d been touched by the sorts of things that made those objects, too, and would refuse to sign them on. It was a good way to protect the artifacts, or so I thought.

It must’ve been fourteen years later that I met Liliana Koskiewicz. I remember her because she seemed so out of place with the other people that were picking over the cargo, but fit in better with the cargo itself—she looked like a Gibson girl frozen in time. Turned out she was studying archeology at Oxford—there, I bet you didn’t know that about your mum—and had come to see the cargo because she’d heard rumors Mikaele had something that was in her field of study. He had, but it was “special” cargo, so he’d already sold it. I felt bad for her, so I offered to buy her dinner as a consolation prize, and for a wonder, she accepted.

It was a whirlwind romance, which I know must come as a bit of a shock to you, but I tell you I fell head over heels for that woman the moment I met her, and she swore it was the same. Mikaele was a bit disappointed at first, it seemed to me, but after a bit he encouraged it. Said the more connections you had, the safer you were from…certain things. I was willing to take any excuse to keep courting her, and just before we set sail, I asked her to marry me. She said she’d think about it and let me know when I got back.

We were gone nine months that go-round, and when I went to her da’s farm to see her after we made port and sold off the last of the cargo, the first thing she said to me was that she accepted. She wanted a spring wedding, and Mikaele would’ve delayed sailing for it, but I talked her into a late December wedding instead on the grounds that I’d be more likely to be home for our anniversary that way.

If I’m honest, the only reason I went through with it was because of what Mikaele said about needing connections to fight back against the Fourteen. After all, I’d had nine months to think about it too, and I didn’t know her that well. But, well, I reckoned we’d get to know each other well enough, and if it didn’t work out great, at least I wouldn’t be home that much. I bought her a little house, near enough that she could go visit her da when I was out to sea but far enough that we were independent, and I made sure she had everything she might need before we set to sea again.

We’d been married two years when she told me she was pregnant. She…she wanted me to stay, but Mikaele needed me. I was still chasing that sense of being important, so I went. Promised I’d be back before you were born, but…well, you were early. We were in Malta when Alastair called—long distance and all—to tell me Lily’d been taken to hospital and it wasn’t looking good. Mikaele bought me a plane ticket and told me to get home to my family. Before I left, he gave me a talisman, some little thing made of bone and silver. He told me he didn’t think it was one of those, but that it had a bit of power in it and might…make a difference.

We—we almost lost both of you. You were a breech, and when I got there, it turned out the umbilical cord had got wrapped around your neck. Between that and the fact that you were so early they weren’t sure your lungs had developed all the way, they weren’t sure you were going to make it. And Lily…they had to do a C-section on you in the end, and she had a bad reaction to the anesthesia or summat like that. She was in a coma and they didn’t think she was going to ever come out of it.

I looked at the thing Mikaele had given me. There was a notch in it, and I thought if I…maybe it would help you both. So I snapped it in half. Put one side on your incubator and the other tucked under Lily’s pillow and hoped.

You recovered, obviously. Both of you. You were actually fine less than four hours later, and I got to hold you for the first time…I’d, I’d never felt anything like that. I was thirty-five years old and it was like I was living for the first time. Lily took a bit longer, but she eventually came round, and all was well, or so I thought.

Lily never completely recovered. It was gradual, so her da didn’t notice and neither did she—or at least she said she didn’t—but, well, I went out again when you were six months old, soon as the winter storms had passed, like always, and when I got back I could see she not only wasn’t better, she was…getting worse. At the time, I put it down to the fact that you were cutting teeth, and you were prone to ear infections back then too, so you cried unless you were being held most of the time. Your grandfather was a godsend, but he had the farm to take care of, and so most of it fell on Lily. I took over while I was home, but…well, I had to go back out again eventually.

That’s when we started fighting. She wanted me to give up sailing and get a job closer to home. I argued we needed the money—now more than ever, between you getting bigger every day and her getting sicker every week. She said if she was so sick, why wasn’t I there to help her? Round and round we went, and it always ended the same, with her going to bed early with a headache and me stomping out the door and going down the pub.

And through it all, there you were. Staring up at me with those big green eyes of yours—they weren’t so bright back then, but they were always so full of love and wonder and trust. I’d have done anything for you.

Except stay.

The final straw came just after the new year when you were seven. Mikaele had suggested we all, as a family, go out on the water and watch the fireworks on the shore to welcome in 1996. You were…so excited. It was all you’d been talking about for a week, getting to see the Demeter and see what I did for a living and finally meet “Uncle Kay”—that’s what you called him, you had trouble with “Mikaele”. And then, just as we were getting ready to go, Lily said she wasn’t feeling well. I was all set to get her settled on the couch or in bed and offer to spend the night on the boat so we wouldn’t disturb her when she told you to hang up your coat and go make her a cup of tea—the oolong, not the bagged kind. I said I’d do it and for you to go wait by the car, but Lily snapped that she’d told you to do it and you needed to learn responsibility.

I wasn’t being funny when I said you had my temper. I blew up on her, said more than a few things I’d been holding back longer than I knew. I accused her of faking her symptoms for sympathy, or to punish the rest of us, or to manipulate us—hell, I didn’t know why, and I didn’t care. Told her she could be as miserable as she wanted but she had no right to make the rest of us miserable too. She gave as good as she got, saying I’d never loved her, I didn’t have any sympathy for her, I obviously hadn’t meant it when I said “in sickness and in health”, on and on and on. We wound up shouting at one another, and then I saw you standing in the doorway with her cup of tea and tears in your eyes, and I made myself stop. I told you we could go, but you just very quietly said no, thank you, that you would stay and take care of your mother, but for me to tell Uncle Kay you said hello.

I didn’t go to the ship that night. I went over to Alastair’s, and I must’ve ranted at him for an hour. He just sat there and listened—you know what he was like—and at the end of it, suggested I take a short break away from Lily, that things might look better after we’d both had a rest. And I agreed. At first I was going to…I don’t know, stay in town for a bit maybe…but Mikaele got a line on something that, if it panned out, would have let us retire for life after the next voyage, and there was a calm spell, so we got a crew together sharpish and sailed out.

It didn’t. Pan out, that is—someone beat us to it, we never did find out who. And of course the winter storms came back with a vengeance, so we wound up in Gibraltar for six weeks waiting for an opportunity to sail again. During that time, I talked things over with Mikaele, and he agreed with Alastair that a break wouldn’t be a bad thing.

I also talked to him about Lily’s illness. I’d never really mentioned it to him; there was a sort of silent sense that anything that happened on land—well, except you—stayed there, and vice versa. But I laid it all out for him, every symptom and surge, everything that had happened back to your birth. He listened with a curious sort of look on his face, and then he asked the question I’d never thought about. He asked what happened to the talisman he’d given me. I explained what I’d done, and he nodded, said I’d done exactly what I was supposed to, but he wanted to know what had happened after that.

It wasn’t until…later that I found out the answer. Lily found the half I’d tucked under her pillow, recognized it was broken, and…I don’t know. Maybe she’d heard something of the Fourteen before. Her da worked for the Institute himself, you know, so he might have given her a bit of warning. Anyway, she asked the nurses if they’d seen the other half, and they eventually found it and gave it to her.

From what Mikaele told me, what he’d eventually learned or figured out—I never did ask how—was that it was meant to separate and spare two lives. It wasn’t…exactly one use only, but it had an odd sort of catch to it. You weren’t meant to keep it, and once you’d used it, you were supposed to bury the halves together in the earth, where they would…reform? I don’t know. It was all a bit bizarre to me. Obviously Lily hadn’t done that, but…well, we’ll get there.

Anyway, we were out to sea for eighteen months that go-round. I felt bad about missing your birthday that year—I wrote you a letter, sent you a gift, but I don’t know if you ever got it—and worse about missing Christmas, but we’d done well enough by the end of it that I could have retired, and I was considering it. I told Mikaele when we pulled into port that I was going to give it one last go talking to Lily, see if we could reconcile, because I did still love her, just not the same way I had at the beginning. And I never wanted to leave you.

Obviously, you know that when I went back to Devon, there was someone else in the house I’d bought for Lily, and they told me they’d paid cash for it from a lady who’d taken her son to London. I thought that seemed a bit odd, but at the same time, I was hoping there was a specialist she was seeing regularly and she was doing better, so I got her address and headed down. I was looking forward to seeing both of you, so much.

Somehow, she knew I was coming. There was a note on her door addressed to me when I got into town, and when I opened it, it had an address and said she’d be there all afternoon. I assumed the family who’d bought the house had called her, so I went to where it said. Turned out to be a shop—a place called Pinhole Books. The door was unlocked, so I went in.

And Lily was waiting for me. Pretty as a picture, sweet as sugar. With an antique razor in one hand and a cane in the other.

I won’t go into details, but I will say she didn’t do it alone. There was another woman, old enough to be her mother, holding her steady and coaching her through it. Everything went black, and for a while I thought that was it.

If you know about the Book, you know what she did after that. She used to summon me from time to time. Talk to me, taunt me. Tell me what she was up to. That’s how I found out what she’d done with the talisman. She’d figured out how to join it back together, and thought it would protect her from sickness, but…that wasn’t its purpose. And because she tried to keep it, instead of give it away, it was corrupting her. I begged her to get rid of it, and eventually she finally admitted that she’d already destroyed it, after she met Roger, and it hadn’t helped. Mary—who I assumed was the woman who helped her kill me—had ideas that would help her, she said, but she wouldn’t really tell me what they were. Sometimes she’d summon me and just…leave me there. It hurt, and she knew it hurt, and she said she wanted me to feel a little of what she was feeling.

And no matter how much I pleaded, she wouldn’t let me see you.

The last time I saw her was eight years after she killed me, which I only know because I told her fifty looked good on her and I thought she was going to kill me again when she told me, very sharply, that she’d only just turned forty. She looked closer to sixty, but, well, you don’t need me to tell you that. She recovered fast, though, and told me that the next time we spoke, I’d never know how old she was. She had found a way to stay young and beautiful forever, and, she said, when the Bookmaster took the lead, I would know everything. Then she wished me luck, said she would see me soon, and dismissed me.

I can’t tell from looking at you how long it’s been since then, but I reckon that didn’t work out so well for her.

ARCHIVIST

And how are you…here? I thought the Book got burned.

KIERAN

It did. I think.

I don’t know too much about how all this works, but as near as I can tell, all of us who were in those pages—the ones who weren’t summoned, anyway, since I think your Gerard was involved, from what I’ve heard those two say—were set free when it burned, but not all the way. We’re loose in the world again, but we can’t go very far from the Bookmasters.

ARCHIVIST

The Bookmasters?

KIERAN

Those two bastards in the other room. Don’t ask me why, I just…knew that’s what they were when I saw them.

ARCHIVIST

It…it makes sense. I think.

…

Twelve years.

KIERAN

Eh?

ARCHIVIST

Since she—it’s been twenty years since she killed you. She tried to do…whatever it was, I still don’t know…twelve years ago.

And you’re right. It didn’t work. That was when she started needing round-the-clock care, couldn’t leave the house except to see her doctors, the whole nine yards. I dropped out of school and…well, that’s when I went to work for the Institute. Roger got fired around the same time—he had early onset dementia, it was just starting to get bad about then—and Melanie couldn’t fake being an adult like I could back then.

KIERAN

I wish you hadn’t felt like you had to do that.

ARCHIVIST

Me, too, but…I think I needed to be there. Eventually.

KIERAN

Twenty years…so you’re twenty-eight then? No, twenty-nine.

ARCHIVIST

I will be in August. If I live that long. If the world doesn’t end.

KIERAN

[Fiercely] You’re not dying.

ARCHIVIST

Yes, sir.

[More seriously] I’m okay. That…thank you. For, for giving me the statement. It…helped. A lot.

KIERAN

Good. Now you can get that hand—

…Oh.

Blimey, how long was I talking?

ARCHIVIST

Not nearly that long.

Yeah, that’s, um, probably not a good sign, but…[sighs] you know what, at this point, I don’t really have time to worry about it.

KIERAN

What’s your next move, then?

ARCHIVIST

I need to get back to London. Hopefully without the Van Helsings in there sending me back in pieces, or calling Gerry—or Jon.

KIERAN

…Okay, you told me who Gerry is, and Lily mentioned Roger’s girl Melanie, but who’s Jon?

ARCHIVIST

My b—

…

Um…he’s my…boyfriend.

KIERAN

(heh) Does Roger approve?

ARCHIVIST

He died five years ago.

But…you know, I think he would have liked him.

I think you’d like him. If you met him.

…

Maybe you’ll get the chance.

KIERAN

I doubt that, boyo.

ARCHIVIST

I’ll come back. When, when I figure out how to set you all free.

I will figure it out. What’s the good of working for the embodiment of fearful knowledge if I can’t occasionally learn something to my advantage?

[KIERAN LAUGHS. AFTER A MOMENT, THE ARCHIVIST JOINS IN]

KIERAN

Aye, maybe there’s something to that.

Let me rally the others. We can distract the Bookmasters, maybe keep them busy for a while, so you can get away. Do you—no, that window’s a bit small—ah, no offense.

ARCHIVIST

None taken. But believe me, I’ve forced my way through much smaller spaces than that.

…Thank you.

KIERAN

I’m just glad I can help.

And I’m glad to know that I finally became something important after all.

ARCHIVIST

What’s that?

KIERAN

Martin Blackwood’s father.

ARCHIVIST

…

You know…it’s a good thing Mum is the way she is.

KIERAN

Eh? Why is that?

ARCHIVIST

It long ago disabused me of the notion that parents have to love and be proud of their kids no matter what.

Otherwise I might not have believed you meant that.

KIERAN

Martin.

[FAINT FABRIC RUSTLES]

There has not been one single moment since the nurse put you in my arms that I have not been proud of you.

I love you, son.

ARCHIVIST

…

I love you, too, Papa.

[CLICK]