#those flashback filters are such a pain

[aragarna]

Ioan Gruffudd as Dr. Henry Morgan and Eric William Morris as Dr. James Carter in Forever (2014, 1x03) - 1906 Flashbacks requested by @lulu-cat-princess

[einaudis]

BRIDGERTON S02E03 - A BEE IN YOUR BONNET

[doumadono]

Hi baby!! Mwaaah! I have an emergency request if it’s okay? Can you have either Bakugou or Touya (maybe him as just Touya or maybe Dabi? You can decide) where the reader is having such bad flashbacks of their abusive relationship before them that they can’t get out of bed and every little thing set them off in a way they starts to get worse with them flashbacks?

Touya & Bakugo with gn!Reader who deals with flashbacks of past relationship

A/N: I hope you'll enjoy these two short stories 💋

EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST - PART 2

Touya

Touya sat by the edge of the bed, his pale fingers tracing absentminded patterns on the sheets. His partner, Y/N, lay beside him, their body curled into a tight ball under the covers.

It had been a rough night. The nightmares that haunted them were growing worse, and Touya could do little more than hold them as they trembled and cried in their sleep. 

Now, as they lay still, Touya watched over them with a heavy heart. ”Y/N," he murmured softly, brushing a strand of hair away from their face. "It's morning. You should try to get up."

Their eyes fluttered open, but the vacant, haunted look in them made it clear they were still trapped in the grip of their past. 

Touya’s heart clenched at the sight. He had seen that look before – in his own reflection, back when his life was consumed by pure pain and hatred.

"I can't," they whispered, their voice barely audible. "Every time I close my eyes, I see him. I feel his hands on me... I can't escape it. I can’t believe I spent so much time in such an abusive relationship… I should have tried to escape but I felt weak."

Touya’s jaw tightened. He understood the feeling all too well, the relentless grip of trauma that refused to let go. Leaning down, he pressed a gentle kiss to their forehead. "You're not there anymore, Y/N. You're here, with me. And I won’t let anyone hurt you again."

They shook their head, tears welling up in their eyes. "It's not that simple. Everything reminds me of him. The sound of the door, the creak of the floorboards... even the way the light filters in reminds me of being trapped in his flat."

Touya’s eyes darkened with anger – not at them, but at the monster who had done this to them. "We’ll make new memories to replace the old ones. If you still feel trapped, maybe you should consider moving to another town, to leave the past behind?”

They looked up at him, hope flickering briefly in their eyes before being extinguished by fear. "What if it doesn’t work? What if I’m broken forever? And I distinctly remember you saying that “the past never dies”, Touya.”

Touya's breath caught at the mention of his own words, thrown back at him like a painful echo. He closed his eyes for a moment, steeling himself against the rush of emotions that threatened to overwhelm him. When he opened them again, his gaze was steady, intense. "I did say that," he admitted, his voice a low, steady rumble. "The past never dies. It’s a part of us, a shadow that follows wherever we go. But that doesn’t mean it defines us." He leaned closer, his forehead pressing gently against theirs. "I know you feel broken. Hell, I’ve felt that way for years. But look at me, Y/N. I'm still here. Still fighting. Because even though the past never dies, it doesn’t mean it wins. We get to decide who we become, every single day."

His fingers traced gentle patterns on their arm, a calming, grounding touch. "I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. It’s not. There will be days when it feels like the shadows are winning. But you’re not alone in this. We’ll face those shadows together." He paused, searching their eyes for any sign of understanding. "You’ve already survived so much, babe. You’re stronger than you think. And if the past tries to drag you down, I’ll be here to pull you back up. Every single fucking time."

Touya cupped their face in his hands, his touch gentle despite the callouses. "You’re not broken, Y/N. You’re healing. And healing takes time. Allow yourself to heal.”

They stayed like that for a while, the silence between them filled with unspoken words of comfort and solidarity. Slowly, they began to uncurl, their breathing evening out as they leaned into Touya’s embrace. "Okay," they whispered finally. "I trust you. Thank you for being here for me, Touya.”

Touya smiled, a rare, genuine smile that was reserved only for them. "Always."

Bakugou

Katsuki Bakugou was not a man known for his patience. His explosive temper and brash demeanor were infamous, but when it came to Y/N, he was willing to wait. Wait for them to feel safe, to heal, to trust. 

Today, however, his patience was being tested to its limits.

He stood at the door of their bedroom, hands clenched into fists at his sides. Y/N lay in bed, their body trembling under the blankets. It had been a bad night, and the morning wasn't proving to be any better.

"Y/N," Bakugou called softly, trying to keep his voice gentle despite his frustration. "You need to get up. You haven't eaten anything for nearly two days."

They didn't respond, their eyes fixed on a spot on the wall as if it held the answers to their torment. 

Bakugou took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. Losing his temper wouldn't help them at all.

He walked over to the bed, sitting down beside them. "Hey," he said more softly, reaching out to touch their shoulder. "Talk to me."

They flinched at his touch, a reaction that sent a pang of hurt through Bakugou’s chest. He pulled his hand back, clenching it into a fist to keep from lashing out. Not at them, of course, never at them – but at the memory of the person who had hurt them.

"It’s him," they whispered, their voice shaking, "I can’t get him out of my head. Every sound, every shadow… it’s like he’s still here, watching me."

Bakugou’s eyes flashed with anger, his mind filling with violent thoughts about the man who had done this to the person he loved the most. But he knew that wouldn’t help right now. What they needed was reassurance, not rage.

"He’s not here," Bakugou said firmly. "He’ll never hurt you again. I swear on my life, Y/N. You’re safe with me."

They turned their head to look at him, tears streaming down their face. "But I don’t feel safe! Can’t you understand that?! Everything reminds me of him. The way the door creaks, the shadows on the wall... I can’t escape it! I know I’m no longer in his hands, but goddammit, I feel like he still owns a part of my soul!”

Bakugou’s heart ached at their words. He wished he could take away their pain, fight off their demons like he did with villains. But this was a battle that couldn’t be won with fists and explosions. He took a deep breath. "Then we’ll change it," he said finally, determination in his voice. "We’ll get rid of the shadows, do whatever it takes to make you feel safe. We’ll make this place your little haven, does it sound okay?”

They looked at him with a mixture of hope and doubt. "What if it doesn’t work? What if I’m always scared?"

Bakugou leaned in, pressing his forehead against theirs while rubbing their shoulders. "Then I’ll be here, every step of the way. I won’t let you face this alone. We’ll fight it together.”

They took a shaky breath, their body slowly relaxing against his. "Okay," they whispered. "Together."

Bakugou nodded, a small smile tugging at his lips. "Together."

[kentopedia]

RYLIE OMG you’re nanamis classmate and you guys are just like friends or whatever and then he leaves right??? but you stay because jujutsu is all you have. but you guys stay “friends” but hardly ever see each other. then he becomes a sorcerer again yippee!! and you guys are seeing each other a lot more.

he has feelings for you but things you have a thing for gojo so he doesn’t go for it. tension ensues.

anyways!!! i hope your thursday was great rylie!! xxxx

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ AND I AM DONE, DEAR — nanami kento

contents. angst (we’re going back to my roots!), maybe unrequited love, fem!reader, 800ish words

notes. this is so painful bc he wouldn't go for it either :( and then satoru pursues you because you've gotten close over the past couple of years, and kento's been gone </3 there are years worth of memories and jokes between the two of you, and kento spent those years miserable & alone. sometimes, he wonders what would've happened if he'd just had the strength to remain a sorcerer, instead of running from everything he hated

"kento," you snap him out of his stream of endless memories, the ones that always seem to gnaw at him when he was around you.

he glances up, and a culmination of flashbacks spin before his eyes.

he sees you at fourteen, a first year student who was still so scared of her technique.

he sees you at sixteen, smiling from ear to ear at another one of gojo and geto's ridiculous antics.

he sees you at seventeen, sobbing over the corpse that had once belonged to the kindest student in your year.

he sees you at eighteen, your empty, hollow expression when he told you he was leaving, and he wasn't coming back.

"yes?" kento asks, forcing the memories away, because you're there in front of him, more beautiful than he remembers... and though you aren't a stranger in his life anymore, his mind still doesn't do justice to the depth of your angelic features.

"is everything okay?" you ask, blinking up at him with concern. your voice turns into something gentle when you're around him, almost like he's something fragile. the kindness in your heart is endless, extending, even, to the man that once broke it.

kento clears his throat, wondering how much emotion he'd let filter onto his expression. he'd gotten worse at hiding it ever since you'd stumbled back into his life, the woman he hadn't realized he'd loved until it was too late.

"yes," he repeats, flat, calm. though he can't muster a smile, he raises an eyebrow, crossing his arms. "why do you ask?"

for a moment, you chew your lip, thoughtful. kento wants to kiss you. he wonders what you'd say if you knew.

"you've just been..." you shake your head, rubbing your arm awkwardly. "ever since..." the sentences are broken, uncomfortable, and though you'd once been best friends, there is a sense of professionalism between you now. a wall that he doesn't think he can break down anymore.

kento parts his lips, considers interrupting, but someone beats him to it. gojo satoru, the constant pain in kento's ass, saunters into the room with a sparkly white grin, gleefulness bounding off of him in a way that's obnoxious.

"there you are! megumi told me i might find you here," satoru says, and he's to you in just three long strides, attaching to you like a magnet. "ready, baby?"

gojo kisses the top of your head, throws an arm over your shoulder and smiles at kento, like he knows what's running through his mind.

you're still studying kento, and he pretends not to notice you scrutinizing him, the way your lips are flushed from chewing on them. "yeah," you say to satoru, squeezing his hand, the sparkly bracelet with gojo's initials dangling from two charms shimmering.

a subtle reminder that kento may have loved you longer, but you'll never really be his.

you start to walk out the door, and kento watches with what he hopes appears as impassivity, his lips drawn into a thin line. though, just as satoru is beginning to pull you across the threshold, you meet kento's dark brown eyes, the ones that turn so tender the moment they land on you.

"kento?" you ask once more

his name sounds so sweet on your lips, but he wishes he didn't want to know what it sounded like on the edge of a moan.

"ijichi is waiting." kento doesn't let you ask whatever you were thinking of asking, because being pinned by your beautiful, caring eyes is almost too much for him to bear.

you blink, surprised by his harshness as you curl into satoru, almost imperceptibly. "right. have a good evening, then. see you tomorrow."

kento nods, pushing his glasses back onto his face. his heart cracks a bit at the emotion tinged in your words, and though his severity has never hurt you before, he's beginning to wonder if it's hurting you now.

"bye, nanamin!" satoru waves cheerfully, and the two of you are gone, leaving nanami in the room alone, the silence almost deafeaning.

he's used to it by now: the solitude of his life. he's used to being strong when he's needed, and even when he's not. everyone sees him that way: the man who's steadfast, unwavering, a little too serious for his own good.

if only they knew he was a weak man when it came to you.

[harleehazbinfics]

Home is where my Heart is.

Chapter 3: The First Time Table of Contents | Profile

Word Count: 1100+ Warning: implied rape and abuse A/N: idk i feel weird that he's kinda ooc; tbf he is very different here in this ff BUT LISTEN crazy meets sweet, ITS KINDA CUTE also also, imma take a break and continue my devout!reader ff, you can check it out here. thanky!

mmmmm i changed so much dialogue i wonder how this'll go. (edited as of Feb 20)

It had been quite a few months after Alastor and I have started going out. Nothing drastically different happened when we were still friends then transitioning to lovers.

Both of us would mind our own business, however, that didn’t really mean that we weren’t thinking about each other. If Alastor went on radio, I would listen to him while doing mundane chores, listening to his voice through the vintage filter of the stereo, I'd even retort to his witty commentary as if he was in the room with me. While, I would be out doing shows across the city, ranging from clubs and cafes to the early television programs.

Today was one of those days, where I would be waiting for Alastor to pick me up after performing a show, as he promised to bring me out to drink for our date. I stood at a lamp post waiting for him, looking down at my shadow.

“Well, look who it is. Lil’ Mel out in town?” a raspy voice said to me, “Must be nice to finally get out of that orphanage, huh? How’ve you been liking it so far? Missed me?”

Hearing this familiar insistent voice sent shivers down my spine, having flashbacks of my days in the orphanage. I wrapped my arms around myself.

“Go away, Aidan. I don’t want to talk to you,” I announced, fear creeping up on me.

“Oh, don’t be like that, babe!” he said putting his hand on my shoulder, “Don’t you remember all our fun times?”

I wriggled out of his grasp and angrily answered, “Fun? Hah, you’re insane. And never call me babe! Goodbye.”

I tightened my grasp on my sling bag and briskly walked away, looking for a more crowded area. But I never got too far when he suddenly had my arm in a tight grip making me squeal in pain. He covered my mouth with his other hand hushing me, and placing his knee between my legs. This scenario was all too familiar that tears welled up in my eyes automatically, but I gathered all my courage tensing my body and biting his hand, frustration clear on my face.

Meanwhile, Alastor was already a few buildings close to your arranged meeting place when he stopped when he heard a familiar voice.

“I told you to let go of me!”

This shout reaches his ears following a thud, fearing the worst he then bolts toward Miledy’s direction.

“Miledy!” he yells however freezes when he sees a man looming over her with a metal pipe in his hands.

“AL!” she screamed scared out of her wits.

Without a second thought, he lunges at the man throwing the both of them to the side leaving me on the floor. I looked at Alastor in fear for him when I saw him struggling to wrestle the larger man off of him.

“STOP! GET OFF HIM!”

Aidan seemed to falter when he heard me, creating an opening for Alastor and managing to stab him through his chest. Aidan gathered the last of his strength to wrap his hand around Alastor’s neck. I panicked and grabbed the forgotten pipe and bashed him over the head, making him go limp on top of Al.

Alastor moved the body to the side and with a relieved look on his face, he moves forwards and pulls me in a tight hug.

“I was so scared. Did you get hurt?” he frets over me.

“You’re not scared of me? I just killed a-a person, Al,” I asked afraid of his reaction.

“Heavens no! I’m more relieved you’re not hurt,” he replied letting go of the hug and placing his hand to the side of my face.

Relieved that Alastor didn’t leave her despite her sins, she finally broke down as she recounted the traumatic events that had happened, including the times where she comforted herself to sleep crying after Aidan was done playing with her, causing all these bottled up grievances to burst out. While Alastor did his best to comfort her in an embrace.

“We should probably leave now. It won’t take long before someone calls the police,” he explained holding on to her shoulder. I only nodded my head shakily still rattled and followed his lead.

He covered the body and lifted it over his shoulder keeping it steady while his free grabbed my hand and ran far far away. We eventually ended in a forest where we buried the body. I wiped the sweat off my brow breathing deeply from all the extraneous activities. After that was all done, Alastor led me to a cabin outside the hunting grounds.

“Where are we?” I asked while looking at the old furniture and the floorboards that creaked.

“My house,” he stated simply offering me a glass of water. I took and drank all of it without a second thought making Alastor tug a very subtle smile on his lips at how she completely trusted him.

“Al, we just killed a man and buried him. What if they figure out that we did it? What will happen to us?” I ramble, face going pale from different scenarios going through my mind.

He kneels in front of me a frown adorning his face when he saw how distraught I was and replied, “I’ll never let them hurt you. I promise, they will never know.”

“What about you, Al! What if they take you away from me. I don’t want to be separated from you!” I yelled hoping he’d care about his own well-being.

“Oh, sweetheart,” he said reading through me and holding my face in his hands, “I’ll never ever leave you, not if I can’t help it.”

My eyebrows furrowed still unconvinced, “How can you be so sure?”

His eyebrows drooped and a wry smile takes place while putting his hands on my knees obediently, “I’ve been hiding from them for years now. They haven’t had any idea that it was me. Knowing a lot of people surely has its perks.” I looked at him confused. “The first person killed was when I was 16, on the day that my mother died, and I’ve been running ever since.”

“I’m sorry I lied to you. But I never wanted you to be involved in this dirty past of mine,” he apologizes. “But I swear on my life that I never had any bad intention towards you. All I want is for you to be safe and free from worry.”

It took a very long time before one of us did or said anything. I took his hand, stood up and walked him towards the balcony that we walked past getting here. And just watched as the sun slowly rose hand in hand.

“I guess this is how we live for the rest of our lives now,” I uttered just above a whisper to the wind.

“I’ll protect you. No matter what.”

“Me too. You can depend on me… I love you, Al.”

“Thank you, Miledy.”

[ughgoaway]

don't you think of me?

plot; snapshots of your breakup, with one letter underlining it all.

word count; 6.9k-ish

content warnings; swearing, dramatic overreactions, distressing dreams, depression, blood, general sad vibes, drinking and no happy ending (oops <3)

a/n; guys... angst is SO HARD. idk how people write it sooooo well. this fic is inspired by the songs "Sad Beautiful Tragic" and "I Almost Do" and the storyline is based completely on those songs! but there are a few other Taylor song references in the fic too. anyway, this kind of jumps around a lot, perspectives and timelines. so if it's completely incomprehensible, I am so sorry!! lemme know if it's so awful I need to have a re-write lol. I really hope the flashbacks are clear, and that this timeline makes any sense whatsoever <3

(p.s this is basically dedicated to 🍪 anon and bff anon, ty for riding so hard for this fic lol)

(this is non-canon)

✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿

The cold wind hurts Matty's face as he battles against it. Each gust feels like needles prickling his cheeks. But still, he pushes through, not really feeling much of anything these days anyway. The paper in his pocket scratches his hands as he burrows them in deeper, but he just grips it harder. The scratches made him feel more human anyway. They convinced his hazy head that maybe life was still happening around him. 

The red post box in front of him is almost taunting. He stands frozen, gripping the letter he’s worked so hard on tightly. He has the passing thought of just letting it go, watching it blow away in the breeze, and never having to think about it again. 

He never has to think about you again. 

But he knows that's unrealistic. How can he never think of you again when you're all he thinks about? Every waking thought he has is about you. He still thinks about how your breathing changed when you slept next to him. The way your lips curved into the smirk he loved whenever you teased him. The flush that covered your cheeks when he did it back. 

Every morning, he still gets out 2 mugs. He still grabs your favourite wine at the shops and doesn't say yes to plans without thinking if he should check with you first. The last time he saw you was still burned into the back of his mind, and he was not sure it could ever leave. 

And to be honest, he doesn't know if he wants it to. If healing means forgetting you, forgetting everything you built, then maybe it is better to live in the pain. Each time he begins to heal, he picks up the scab over and over again. The sting reminded him of you, so he picked and picked. Blood poured from him relentlessly, but that was all he could do. Bleeding for you was all he had of you anymore.

He shoved the letter in and walked away briskly. He fought every bone in his body telling him to go back. To smash the post box and filter through every letter until he found his. He imagined a world in which he hadn't sent it, where instead he turned around and marched back to his house. 

Or maybe there's a world where he marched to your house instead. Maybe he finally got over himself and told you everything in person. He begged and pleaded for you to forgive him, to look him in the eyes and tell him you've been hurting just as much as him.

Matty isn't sure that world exists, though.

✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀

3 days later, when it arrives, you stare at it endlessly. You move it from place to place in your apartment and try to visualise opening it there. But soon enough, that just becomes you avoiding that room like the plague, and you start to treat parts of your flat like they are infested with a deadly virus. But they're not, really. They're just filled with a small envelope with your name on it and a return address you know all too well.

You decide you aren't going to read it 2 days later. You hold it over a candle and watch the amber flames lick the bottom of the envelope. But before you can set it ablaze, some instinct takes over, and suddenly, it's the most important object you've ever owned. You pull it from the flames and put it out with your fingers, not caring if the fire sizzles your skin. You cry and beg for it to be okay, tears streaming from your cheeks as you frantically pull it open, “No no no. fuck, please.” 

But the letter inside was unscathed, just the corner of the envelope was covered in a thin layer of ash. As soon as you see that handwriting, though, you feel the unspeakable urge to burn it again, to set it on fire and watch it burn. 

You don’t. 

You lay it on the table and go to bed. You decide tomorrow will be the day you do something with it, even though you promised yourself that every day since you got it. But you're sure tomorrow will really be the day. It has to be.

You return to the warm solace of the bed you've grown to know too well over the past few weeks, and the duvet welcomes you in like an old friend.

✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀

It's a few days after he sent the letter and the day after you received it when he sees you for the first time, and he can't quite believe it. There you were, standing in the coffee shop you always went to together. 

He wondered if the baristas had noticed you both started to come in without the other. Maybe they started gossiping about it, “Did those customers break up? I never see them together any more” and he could almost see someone else saying “I hope not. They were cute.”

Even though he knew no one would ever actually say that, and that the baristas hadn't noticed anything.

Some force that he couldn't explain pulled him towards you, and before he knew it, he was reaching for your arm. “Hi” he breathed out heavily, staring at you like he wasn't sure you were real. He wasn't convinced that you were anything but a figment of his imagination. Has his delusions about you already gotten to the point where he's having visions? He thought it would take a few more months for that.

“Matty?” You say gently, tracing your eyes over the man in front of you. Hearing your soft voice after months without you felt like heaven on earth for Matty, relaxation washing over him just at the soft dulcet tones of you.

Matty smiled softly at you, and you immediately returned it. He can see the cogs turning in your head on how to greet him. Was a hug too much? Is a wave too little? Is a handshake too formal? Overthinking was one thing you were so good. Matty was sure you could win an award for it. So he decided to take the decision into his own hands and wrapped out up in a hug, burrowing his face in your hair and smelling that familiar floral aura he'd fallen in love with.

Your whole body tensed when he first touched you. The once familiar feeling now was slightly cold and awkward. But Matty felt you relax and couldn't help the grin that spread across his face the the feeling of your head in his neck, the place you always used to lay. He swore he could feel you breathe him in, but soon convinced himself it was wishful thinking.

Reluctantly, you pull away, looking up at Matty with glassy eyes. The barista next to you clears his throat, bringing you both back to earth and out of whatever haze you were in. “your tea is ready” he says awkwardly, eyeing you and Matty with a sly smile on his lips.

“Right! Sorry, yes. Thank you” You grab your cup and turn back to Matty nervously. He can see the anxiety radiating off you, just like it always had. He never thought it would be directed at him, but he tries not to overthink it too much.

“Do you-” You clear your throat, shaking your head as you try to process that you're seeing him again. Seeing your Matty. “Do you want to sit with me? Catch up?” 

Matty can see your hands shaking around your cup and the nervousness swimming in your eyes. “Of course,” he says easily. He could never deny an opportunity to spend time with you. Especially not when he hadn't seen you in so long. And certainly not when you still take up his every waking thought. 

The conversation flows like you had never left, easily chatting and catching up like you always had. You tell Matty about the cat you adopted and how she loves to sit on top of the fridge to scare you. He tells you about his mum and her latest drama. Her kitchen cupboards were the wrong colour of grey, and it was the topic of conversation for much longer than he thought possible.

The first bout of silence comes when you ask about Annie, and Matty can tell it took every ounce of strength to force the words out of your mouth. You felt like someone had taken one of your vital organs when you left her, and you can still see her face in your mind whenever you close your eyes.

“she's good. Misses you, though. Especially because she doesn't see you at school anymore since you got a new job” he says with a solemn smile. Matty tries to hold eye contact, but he gives up a few seconds into it, instead staring at his coffee as if it was the most interesting thing in the room. 

Thankfully, soon enough, the once stilted silence becomes easy chatter and laughter all over again, Matty welcomed the warm conversation with open arms, missing your presence more than he ever thought possible.

But Matty's mouth soon got ahead of him, “so when was the last time I saw you?” he asked thoughtlessly. His brain was on autopilot, and the words poured out of him before he could stop it. The very topic you'd both been dancing around was now laid out in front of you, and it couldn't be ignored. 

Matty saw something in your demeanour change, your once soft smile morphing into a faux-happy grimace, “Don't you remember? You screaming at me in the kitchen? And then storming out after saying what you did? Maybe you remember smashing a plate on the floor?” Matty pauses at your words, not quite believing you're deciding to re-hash all of this in the middle of a coffee shop, especially with a massive and slightly creepy grin on your face, but he answers anyway. 

“Of course, I remember. And there's not enough words to say how sorry I am but-” he stutters as he tries to explain himself more, but you cut him off, gently placing a hand on his arm.

“Are you sure you remember? When you left me? Abandoned me? Left me sobbing and alone? What about the 30 phone calls you ignored?” You kept talking, and Matty couldn't get a word in, your voice increasing in volume with each desperate question. 

“Look I’m so sorry-” Matty desperately looked around him to see if people were staring at your raised voice, but the cafe was empty. The once bustling coffee shop is now like a ghost town, with no evidence of another human ever being in there. 

He flicks his head back to yours, only to be in his kitchen, forced back to that night. He stares at you in your pyjamas, tears streaming down your face. He flicks his eyes down to see him dressed in the same liquor-stained clothes, and he can taste the red wine on his tongue.

“Why” you whispered over and over again, gradually getting louder, eventually shouting at Matty as he stood there motionless.

Matty wakes up in a cold sweat, panting wildly as his brain fights to figure out what the fuck is happening. He scrambles to his phone and realises; it's still the same day. It was just another fucking dream. He knows nightmare would be the better word, but he can't bring himself to describe anything with you in it as a nightmare. 

With a heavy sigh, he flops back to his pillow, gripping his phone desperately and trying to fight the urge to call you. It almost doesn't work, and he clicks on your contact and lets his thumb hover over the call button. He sees the unanswered calls and the pleading messages. He can feel the desperation through the screen. 

He thinks your new boyfriend must've blocked his number because that's easier than thinking that you just hate him. Each time he reaches out, there’s no reply, and he feels a part of himself die.

He hadn't tried for a few months now, but he still had that urge to type out his every thought, to send it and call you until you answered. But he doesn't. 

It doesn't occur to Matty that the real reason that the reason you don't answer isn't because of a new boyfriend or because you hate him. Instead, it’s because you know you can't deal with another goodbye. You can't risk all this happening again. You were already practically ripped open. You can't risk tearing the very stitches you worked so hard to sew closed.

But matty doesn't know that, so with a huff, he clicks off you and onto George, and this time, he lets the phone ring.

“Huh? what-” he hears the groggy voice over the phone mutter, and it's then he realises maybe ringing George at 3 am because he had a nightmare wasn't the best decision. But it was too late now, and he could practically see George's expectant face from the other side of the phone. 

“Hi. it um- it happened again” Matty said with a huff, falling back into the pillows and staring at the moonlight dancing across his ceiling. He heard George's heavy sigh and the distinct sound of ruffling sheets, George had sat up instinctively, knowing something was up.

“What was it this time? Did everyone in the crowd turn into her again” George says softly, rubbing at his tired eyes and fighting a yawn. 

“No, it started off really nice this time. I saw her again at that cafe we always went to, you know the one near the studio? We were just chatting and catching up. But then she wouldn't stop talking about that night, telling me what happened all over again. And then I blinked, and I was back. I was in that kitchen again, just staring at her.” Matty follows the moonbeams with his eyes, lingering on the two beams crossing over, only for their paths to separate once again.

It reminded him of you and him.

“I think you need to get some lavender oil or some shit. You need to sleep. And these nightmares aren't helping” George says firmly, Matty would usually fight him tooth and nail at the suggestion.

He claimed it was because that stuff had never worked for him, but George knew it was because he saw it as still having a part of you in his life. Even if you were there in the form of his demons, at least they all looked like you.

But to his surprise, Matty immediately crumbled, “Yeah, you're right. Will you come to Boots with me after the studio tomorrow?” George agreed quickly before Matty could change his mind.

But he didn't try to, Matty simply said, “Thanks. Okay, I'll let you sleep now… Bye.” And before George could tell him it was okay, and he’d stay chatting as long as Matty needed, he was gone. 

Tears leaked from Matty’s eyes, wetting the same pillow where you used to lay your head. This loop of healing felt endless, and Matty wasn't sure if fixing this was possible when he knew you were still out there without him. Forever wouldn't have even been enough with you, but now he has nothing. What is he meant to do with no you?

✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀

As Matty lay awake in Manchester, you were in the same position in London. The same lonely bed, but different cities. Unlike him, you haven't managed to sleep yet. Instead, you can't stop your brain from imagining what is in that letter. Your mind falls back to that night, and you replay the events over and over again. Every word Matty said was etched in your mind, so it played easily, the same script ringing in your ears all these months later.

//////////////////////

Matty shut the door delicately. Getting home at 2 am. was already bad enough. He didn't want to wake you or Annie in the process. But when he saw the light pouring out of the kitchen and heard the distinct hissing of the kettle, he knew you were awake. And he knew you were waiting for him.

He walked into the kitchen silently, leaning on the counter and watching you potter around, he remember when he used to sit here for hours and dream of you in his house. Now he's not even sure the last time you said I love you to each other. You continue to ignore Matty, but you getting a second mug out of the cupboard tells him all he needs to know. This is going to be a long night. 

“At the studio late again?” You ask, passing Matty his mug and leaning across from him. Your eyes trace up his figure, and you can't help but think you don't recognise the man in front of you. His clothes hung off of him, and heavy bags sat under his empty eyes. His hair was standing on end, once perfectly manicured curls now frazzled beyond repair.

“Yeah, George wanted to fix this harmony. Sorry I'm back so late” he knew lying to you was wrong. He really did. But he couldn't bring himself to explain where he actually was, drinking alone in a bar rather than at home with his family.

“Oh. okay.” you pause and wait for Matty to correct himself, giving him a chance to be fucking honest for once. But he doesn't, so you push again.

“That's weird though, because I asked Charli where George was 2 hours ago, and she sent a photo of them together. In bed.”

Matty's eyes widened. He knew he'd just been caught, but he wasn't ready to give up the lie yet. He just needed a few more weeks away, and then he would come back. Then everything would be made right again. So his tipsy mind comes up with a new lie and pleads with whatever God there might be that would believe him, “Oh did I say George? I meant Hann, you know how I get when it's late”

“Matty. You stink of booze. Do you think im an idiot?” You sigh, placing your tea down and crossing your arms over your chest. The anger bubbling within you was threatening to spill over. You felt as if every word from Matty was a stab, yet he kept just pushing the knife deeper.

“So I had a drink at the studio! Sue me, Jesus Christ” Matty sneers at you as he talks, slamming his cup onto the counter, ignoring the burning on his hand from the tea falling over the rim.

“Liar” you click your tongue at Matty and cast your eyes to the floor. Staring into his eyes as he lied to you was agony, and you're not sure how much more pain you can take.

“I'm not lying. I swear I just-” he tries to argue, but you refuse to let him keep going.

“I know you're lying. You're always fucking lying! You weren't at the studio.” you sighed heavily flicking your eyes up to Matty briefly, but the tension was too much, it hurt to look at him.  

“Baby, cmon, calm down. It’s okay, yeah? I’m here now,” Matty moved towards you, grabbing your cheek in his hand and moving in to kiss you, prepared to make this all melt away just like he always did. You try to push him away, but Matty stands strong. He had to fix this. He needed to kiss and make up. It was all he knew how to do.

“Would you just fucking listen” you shout, pushing Matty back across from you, “I don't even know who you are anymore! These past few weeks have made you into a man I don't even fucking recognise.” You look up at him with crazed eyes and scoff at the sight of the man in front of you. 

You were done with it all. The lying, the running away, the sleuthing around. Done. You were having this conversation, and you were having it now.

“No please don't say that. You know me. I don't know who I am without you knowing me,” Matty begged, sobering up quickly at your words.

He needs to bring this back, claw what little life you had left in you to the surface. Everything that left Matty’s life has had claw marks in it, and he would be damned if he'd let you go without the same scars.

“Don't you understand that's the fucking issue, Matty? You don't know who you are anymore, I don't know who you are anymore. You need to be a person without me.” your words struck Matty in the chest like a bullet. 

Were you seriously suggesting what he thinks you are? Do you actually want to break up with him?

Matty baulks at your words. Every feeling he’d had over the past few months was catching up to him, crashing into each other in his brain as they fought to be let out. Anger won because, of course, it won. It seems to always win.

He decides that if you want to break up, then he'll do it himself. He can't let you beat him to it. He knows it's childish, but he doesn't fucking care. He needs to win this. “Please, I've been a person without you for 30 fucking years. I’m a fucking dad! I don't need you to tell me who I am.”

“Annie needs both her parents, Matty. We need you back, please.” The mention of Annie makes outrage bubble within him like it had never done before. He can't believe you'd practically threatened to break up with him one minute and then beg for him back for the sake of his daughter the next. Because that is what she is, she's his daughter.

“You don't know what it's like to be a parent y/n,” Matty mumbles under his breath, but he might as well have screamed it at you because that's how loudly it rang in your ears. He knew he'd fucked up as soon as he said it, but there was no going back now, and he could see that in your eyes.

“I don't know what it's like to be a parent. Are you fucking kidding Matty? What the hell have I been doing here for the past year? Just fucking around? I can't believe you could say that to me.” You hear your voice wavering as you force each word out. 

“Annie is just as much my daughter as she is yours” you whisper desperately. The regret of mentioning Annie was building in your chest, and it felt like a rock impeding your lungs, each breath fighting against the weight. but it was too late to take anything back now. Both you and Matty knew it.

Matty scoffs at your words, rolling his eyes as he fiddles with his fingers. He tries desperately to cool his raging mind, but he can't. He figures if he is already in this deep, why not stoop a little lower?

“Just as much your daughter? Please. You weren't here for fucking any of it. Where were you here when she was born? How about when she was sick for the first time and wouldn't let me put her down without screaming bloody murder? Or- or how about when she broke her arm and she cried when she couldn't have a pink cast? Or maybe for any fucking time apart from the last 12 months. I know you liked playing happy families y/n, but be fucking real for 5 seconds. You were her teacher, maybe a fun friend, but nothing more. And if you think you were, you're more delusional than I thought.”

His chest heaved as he finished, not taking a single breath during his rambling speech, he could see your wet eyes and he felt his heart aching but he just couldn't stop himself, words tumbling out of his mouth. "Even if you stayed, even if you never give up on us, on this. You could never be her mother.”

Both of you pause, the silence thick and heavy around you. How long could you stand like this and pretend he didn’t say that? Maybe if you just stayed there and listened to your ragged breathing, something would change.

But nothing did.

“Fuck you. You told me I was practically her mother a month ago. You said to me I was it for you, that your family was complete. I can't believe-” words poured out of you, streaming helplessly as you paced the kitchen. 

Matty tried to cut in, desperate to get a word in edgeways. The need to defend himself was all-consuming. He needed to know that you understood he said it in the heat of the moment. Words fall out of his mouth without thinking. He can’t help it.

“y/n, love-”

“I’m not her mother? Tell that to the time I took her dress shopping for your mum's wedding. Or when I took her to A&E with suspected appendicitis. and-”

“y/n. Stop, just listen to me, please.” Matty begs, he almost inches closer to you, but some ineffable force keeps him where he is, watching you pace helplessly.

“Listen to you? Oh, I've done plenty of fucking listening Matthew. All I do is listen to you! But you never fucking hear me-” 

“Can you just shut up for 5 fucking seconds” Matty shouted, grabbing a plate from beside him, throwing it against the concrete floor, watching it shatter into a thousand pieces. He just needed you to look at him, to tell him you could fix this, but you wouldn't stop talking.

A gasp from you pulls him back to earth, and he feels his heart break into as many pieces as the plate below his feet. Your wide eyes and tear-stained cheeks glare back at him, and Matty has nothing to say. He has no fucking idea what just came over him.

Matty gingerly takes a step towards you, trying to avoid the ceramic splayed over the floor. His fingers shake as he reaches his hand out to your cheek, wanting to thumb away the tears falling.

But just as he does, he sees you flinch. It wasn't even a full movement, practically a micro-expression. But you fucking flinched. And you both knew it. The veil of silence over you is thick as you both stand there motionless with no idea what you could say to fix this. To make the last 10 minutes disappear. 

Matty’s touch used to calm you. It was the only reassurance you needed. But now the mere thought of it filled you with some twisted sense of fear. The woman he had planned the rest of his life with was scared of him. And it was all his fucking fault. How had this all become his worst nightmare? How had the very thing he sacrificed so much to build crumbled and destroyed itself so deeply?

“Matty wait- I’m sorry, I was just still on edge. It's okay, im okay. See?” With a shaking hand, you grip his, bringing it to your face despite his protests. You can feel him trying to pull his arm away, but you fight him at every tug. Forcibly placing his hand on your wet cheek.

As soon as your hand drops from his, Matty wrenches away from you. The feeling of your cheek against his palm felt as if his skin was burning. The pain touched his every nerve. 

The air is charged with pure fear as you stare at the other, both of your chests heaving and your eyes glassy with unshed tears. Without thinking it through, Matty storms off, grabbing his keys as he pushes through the house. You chase after him, ignoring the blades of ceramic impaling your sock-covered feet, “No don't leave, Matty, please. Stay, stay here.” You reach to grab his arm, but Matty snatches it away before you can even feel his skin against yours.

“I’m leaving. I’m staying at George tonight. Tomorrow I’ll come pick Annie up from school. You will call in and take a sick day. Start packing your shit. I’m done. You're out of my house by tomorrow.” Matty demands, and with that, he leaves. Slamming the door behind him. 

Bloody footprints lay in a trail behind you, and your socks start slowly becoming sodden from your weeping wounds. But still, you stood there, unmoving. Shock coursing through your veins.

It was all over. Just like that.

////////////////////

The letter was taunting you from the other room, the blacked corner flashed into your mind whenever your eyes finally fluttered close. The image of you burning the letter played behind your eyelids like a movie, and you almost wish you really had done it.

But you didnt, so it still sat on your living room table, torturing you.

Eventually, you drift off to sleep, tears dampen the pillow below your head, but you ignore the thumping in your head and finally let sleep pull you under.

✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀

You know you're dreaming when you're back in that kitchen. But you can't stop it from happening. The hazy filter that covers your surroundings is the only thing assuring you this isn't real, that this isn't all happening again.

Matty stands in front of you just as he had that night, but he looks different. His once frizzy curls sat in perfectly ringlets around his face, the streaks of grey dancing through them more prominent. His unshaven face was now neatly trimmed, and you admired the salt and pepper hairs within it. You can see the tears brimming in his eyes, glittering on his waterline. 

“So you'll forgive me? We can move on?” he says desperately, smiling and moving towards you with tears falling down his cheeks.

You try to speak, but your mouth doesn't move, your lips stay pressed together against your brain's protests. Not even grunts escape you. Silently, you stare at Matty, completely motionless. 

“y/n? You forgive me. I can make this right again, can't I?” Matty begs desperately. He grabs your hand but recoils at the cold feeling on his skin, your fingers cold as ice in his grip.

You fight to speak again, to tell him yes. To tell him you forgive him, that you need to try again. But still, nothing leaves your lips.

Matty scoffs at you, ripping himself away from you, “I can't believe you're ignoring me. I thought you'd be more mature than this. Call me when you can actually have an adult fucking conversation.”

He storms off, but all you can do is watch him helplessly. Every nerve in your body is screaming to move, to chase after him. And you almost do, but some inexplicable force is keeping you there, motionless in the same place where your life ended all those months ago.

So you watch him leave again, the haze surrounding you soon becoming darkness. 

You know it's a dream, and you keep on telling yourself that. But when you wake with wet cheeks and a heaving chest, it feels pretty fucking real.

You swear you can feel him next to you, awake and staring at the same ceiling. But when you turn to see him, the piled-up duvet is all that's there, along with a cold bed beside you.

It's then you decide to finally give in to that voice in your head, the one screaming at you to just read the letter, to get it over and done with. The one begging you to throw it away and never look back is nearly silenced, and it soon becomes nothing but a whisper in the back of your mind.

The letter stays exactly where you left it, and whilst you know it couldn't have moved, part of you wishes it had. With shaking hands, you grab the pile of pages, and you can feel your heart racing the very same way it used to when you saw him.

The city lights shine onto you as you finally open the pages, looking at the handwriting you knew all too well. The same handwriting that used to give you butterflies, that used to detail how much it loved you, filling pages with adoration. 

Now you're not so sure what it entails. But you read anyway, ignoring every screaming signal telling you to stop.

///////////

Hi darling,

I know I don't have the right to call you that anymore, but I can't bring myself to call you anything else. It's been a few months since we've spoken, and I've felt every minute of it. I've filled notebooks writing about you, writing to you. I must have practised this letter a dozen times, and I know this still won't be right. 

So, instead of trying to write the perfect letter, I've ripped out some pages from my journal. My therapist told me to write like I was speaking to you, so that's what I did. I’m sure she would be pissed that im sending this at all, but I need to do this for us. To remember what we once were. 

Anyway, I hope it makes you understand what this time without you has been like for me. You can ignore this letter completely and I wouldn't blame you. I won't hold it over you if you burn it and never look back. But if you do read it, I just need you to know im sorry. For everything.

(3 weeks without you)

To say the past couple of weeks have been hell for me is beyond an understatement. There is this festering part of me that thinks I will love you forever, and the knowledge that we will never be like we once were kills me, but it has to kill me. Because if I felt anything other than agony, I would come crawling back to you, and you don't deserve that. And I know that. But fucking hell, that doesn't make it hurt any less.

You know me, I don't know what it's like to have surface-level emotions. I either feel it all, or I feel nothing. and with you? I fucking felt it all. I felt every touch, every smile, every fight, every screaming match ending in tears. I fucking felt it. and for some reason- I'm still thankful for it. because at least I felt you.

I wonder if you're at the point where you miss me when you hear my name. And I can't help but think about you hearing my songs, do you change the station? Even if they're about you? But if I’m honest, they're all about you. Every one of them. Even before I knew you, they were about you.

(a month and a half)

I wish you could forgive me. I think if I knew you didn't hate me, I could move on. Or maybe it would do the opposite. I don't know. All I do know is, I miss you. 

(2 months)

Sometimes I miss you so much I can't handle it. I go driving and find the places we used to go, I sit there, and I can still hear your laugh. I can feel that all-encompassing warmth that surrounds you. but then someone speaks, or a car horn goes off, and suddenly, it's cold again. I mourn you like you're someone I've lost forever, and in a way, I have.

You know I still feel you every day, everywhere. Because you might have left, but you never really did. I still find your socks down beside the bed, and your hair ties around the house. I accidentally used your shampoo in the shower this week. You know that ridiculous Jasmine one that you pay too much for? 

It was like having you around again, I never thought the small of some shitty shampoo would be the thing that brought it all back to me, brought you back to me. Yet it was. But still, you were gone. 

So apparently, I decided to fall into the breakup trope of crying in the shower. For 45 minutes, which made me feel slightly pathetic. And it didn't help when George knocked on the door and washed my hair again. with my shampoo. But I still find myself smelling jasmine even when it's nowhere near.

You haunt me in ways I never thought possible.

(3 months)

It's 3 a.m., and I can't stop picturing your face. Just knowing you're still out there makes it so much fucking harder. I don't know how to cope knowing you're there and not here, with me. Even months later there's some sick part of me that hopes leaving me was the hardest thing you've had to do. but I hope loving me wasn't. 

I know that's selfish, and that this is all my fault anyway. so I want you to move on, even if it kills me. it's hell thinking that the one person you could never forget is fighting to forget you. 

But I hope you find the love of your life. I hope they make your tea just how you like it, and buy you those crazy expensive candles you love. I hope they will follow you to the ends of the earth, just like I would. even now. 

(3 and a half months)

I want to say you don't know how it feels to miss you, you don't know how hard it is. but I have to keep hoping you miss me just as much. because if you didn't, if you just moved on without a second thought; I couldn't cope. the fact that we will always just be an almost will live with me until the day I die. I don't want you to be an almost. I want you to be an always. but it's over, and I know that. or at least I'm very good at pretending I know that.

(4 months)

Recently, I've been thinking about “what ifs?” Despite my therapist telling me I shouldn't. But you know what it is like after breakups. It's this all-consuming thing, and you can't help but imagine if things were different.

I think in another universe, we worked out. I got over my massive ego, and you worked through your past, and it fixed itself. We got married, had another kid, and got that cat you always wanted. We'd go to Annie's graduation together. Her wedding together. you'd cry as I walked her down the aisle, I'd smile and kiss away your tears. and I know that's not this universe. but fucking hell why can't it be?

(4 and a half months)

My mum misses you. She asked how you were doing today and if I had reached out yet. I got angry at her and stormed out. If only she knew how many times I’d dialled your number and then turned off my phone. Or how many unanswered texts I've sent. 

Annie misses you too, by the way. She's finally stopped asking when you're coming back.

I wish she still asked.

(today)

I don't expect you to read all of this, and if you've just skipped to the end, I don't blame you.

but I'm sending this letter because I think I'm finally at a place where when I think of you, I don't take it as a sign from the universe that we were meant to be together. instead, I think of it as a past life, as proof that we were an almost.

Next time I see you, I hope it doesn't hurt as much as the last time.

Goodbye, my love,

Matty x

///////////

The distinct sound of dripping tears hitting paper was the only noise in the room. You watched helplessly as the ink distorted under the little pools of wetness. A million thoughts race through your mind, and you can't help but fucking hate him for sending this.

How could he do this to you? All you've been doing for months is healing, but he keeps ripping open old wounds carelessly. He has to know you can never go back. You can't trust him.

All you left behind you was a mess. You were both better off this way.

With a scoff, you grab your lighter and cigarettes, stepping onto the balcony with the letter gripped in your shaking hands. You have to flick the lighter a few times before it works, the bitter wind fighting against it. 

But soon the flame comes, you sigh happily, moving it up to the cigarette delicately balanced between your lips. You suck in a deep breath, revelling in the feeling of the smoke filling your lungs. The slight crackle brings you more relaxation than anything else these days, but you still have to fight to ignore the familiarity of the scent.

You flick the lighter again, huffing annoyed as it goes out. Once you see the distinct glow of amber, you don't hesitate before placing it against the paper and watching the pages in front of you burn up.

Ashes sizzle your skin, but you couldn't care less. In fact, you welcome the pain. A sick smile comes across your face, grinning around the now-lit cigarette in your mouth.

Isn't it funny how little words mean, when they're a little too late?

[infiniteeight8]

Tony finding out about the timeloops with Dormammu because Stephen's filter is compromised by injuries/drugs/exhaustion/etc.

Warning for brief description of nasty injuries in the first paragraph.

-

Stephen Strange has the highest pain tolerance of anyone Tony has ever met, including himself and everyone he’s ever met that has super-healing. The man can—and has–calmly talked a teammate through removing multiple barbed spines skewering his own limbs. So when Tony lands next to him, post-battle, and finds him muttering, “It’s go away, just wait a moment, it’ll be gone any moment now,” it’s seriously alarming.

“Strange!” Tony says sharply, dropping to his knees and retracting the helmet. “Tell me what’s wrong so I can help.” He runs a quick scan, but the only thing the suit picks up is a very bloody but not life threatening gash in his leg. For Strange to be this out of it, there must be something a lot worse going on.

Strange looks up at him and blinks, frowning. “Tony?” 

They’re not usually on a first name basis, but that’s been due to Strange’s reserve more than Tony’s. “Yeah, Stephen, I’m here.” He retracts a gauntlet and carefully takes the man’s hand. It’s shaking hard, much worse than normal. 

“You shouldn’t be here.” Strange grips his hand tightly, enough that it has to hurt. “I don’t know if the time loop will include you, you have to go before Dormammu returns.”

The pieces all slot together. Strange is having some sort of flashback. “You’re in New York,” Tony says, as steadily as he can. “You’re in New York with me, with Tony Stark, and we just finished herding about a thousand flying demons back to their own dimension. Dormammu isn’t here, Stephen.”

But Strange just laughs, a tired, broken thing. “He’s not here now,” Strange says. “But he will be. He always comes back, and he always kills me again. He has to—I made the loop that way.” Stephen raises his other hand to clasp Tony’s between his. “But you don’t have to be here,” he says fiercely. “You don’t have to suffer.”

Tony’s heart breaks. “Stephen, it’s over,” he says quietly. “You won.”

Stephen laughs. “I can’t win. But I can lose. Over and over, forever.”

Tony doesn’t know what he can say to that, so he just pulls Stephen into his arms and holds onto him and waits for him to realize where and when he is. It takes longer than he expects, maybe fifteen minutes, before Strange finally murmurs, “Tony. You can let go now.”

Tony eases back so that he can look at Stephen, but doesn’t let go completely. “What happened?” he asked, because he’s never seen Strange lose it like that. 

Stephen huffs a wry laugh. “Magical exhaustion,” he says. “I really should have called for another mystic to help with those demons. Using up my reserves like that compromises mental control. It’s dangerous, for a sorcerer.”

And embarrassing, Tony expects, but if Stephen wants to sidestep that, Tony isn’t going to fight him on it. “Anything I can do to help?”

“Believe it or not, that hug helped a lot,” Stephen says. “Physical contact is good for restoring magical energy.”

That’s not the only thing it’s good for, but Tony doesn’t say anything, just keeps a hand under Stephen’s elbow as he helps him to his feet. “Come on. Let’s get that gash looked at.”

Stephen nods. 

He doesn’t pull away from Tony’s grip.

[lady-of-tearshed]

Paper airplanes

Finnick Odair x Reader

(Fluff/slight angst)

Based on some lyrics from "Out Of The Woods" by Taylor Swift

Summary: As you and Finnick relationship grows stronger every day, you can't help but remind yourself how it all started and how beautiful life had become through everything.

Word count: 3.3k

“Okay, give me a fucking second, I’m nervous.” @dumplingsjinson https://dumplingsjinson.tumblr.com/post/744023757216169984/list-of-awkward-confessions-prompts

You sigh as you put the last cardboard box in your now-shared bedroom with Finnick. You smile softly, looking around the peaceful bedroom covered in a soft orange light as the sunset rays filtered through the laced curtains. You take out the Polaroid picture the two of you had taken back when you were still innocent children picking up seashells and making up imaginary quests about fairies and dragons in your treehouse. The picture was in black and white, and so was the cruel world before the revolution, but your friendship back then was tinted in screaming colors. 

You snap out of your thoughts when you hear rustling sounds from where your boyfriend is downstairs. You put the picture down carefully onto the bed and head downstairs to look at what all that clatter was about. You spot the now empty living room floor, the boxes that were previously piled here and there moved to the side, creating an empty space in the center of the living room. You spot Finninck crouched down behind the couch and you chuckle. “What are you doing?” 

His head pops up from behind the couch and he lifts the radio to show it to you, then places it back down onto the floor. He puts the favorite CD of both of you inside of the radio and presses play. He stands up from his crouched position and offers you his hand gracefully, making an exaggerated bow that makes you laugh. “Why, dancing with my wonderful angel, of course.” 

The two of you spend all evening swaying and twirling in the living room, almost falling over the boxes piled on the side when you let the music take over the two of you. When you’re both panting and sweating, heads dizzied from all those spins, and stomach pleasantly painful from all the laughing from your clumsy dance moves, Finnick pauses and looks into your eyes. The music is still softly humming in the background. He pushes a strand of hair away from your sweaty forehead, and tucks it behind your ear. “You truly are an angel… my angel. I love you.” He whispers, softness and love radiating from his voice.

“I love you too, Finn.” You say with tears in your eyes. You were always the sensitive one, and you weren’t ashamed of it anymore, because you knew that Finnick loved all and every part of your soul, mind, and body.

You can’t help but feel amazed by the fact that all it took for this relationship to happen was two paper airplanes flying.

*Flashback, you and Finnick were fourteen back then.*

He didn’t come. He forgot, probably too busy with those much cooler other friends of his. The thing is, Finnick is your only friend, and you don't really have anyone else in your life than him. You were raised in an orphanage by nuns, still are, actually, and will be until your eighteenth birthday. Unless you get reaped into the Hunger Games… Finnick, on the other hand, even though he was pretty much raised just like you, had managed to make tons of friends with his bubbly personality, his natural charm, and his perfect body. 

You lift the piano seat, your eyes scanning the crowd, when you spot Finnick rushing inside the room, but it is too late. He had missed everything, everything you had been giving your blood, sweat, and tears for months now. Everyone cheers and you bow, fighting the tears that were starting to rise into your eyes. You walk behind the curtains, quickly grab your bag, and walk out of the theater. 

You hear hurried footsteps coming your way, but you don’t stop, even when a voice speaks up. “Y/N! Y/N… Wait up, please! I can explain-” “Explain what, Finnick?! That you forgot? That this wasn’t important enough for you to dare show up on time?!” You snap at him, spinning around in one quick movement, making him slightly stumble forward at your sudden halt.

“It’s not like that…” He starts off. “It’s just… Dylan needed help with this homework and-"

"Oh yeah. Dylan.” You roll your eyes at him. “That new oh-so-cool friend of yours. Well, you know what, I was your friend too, Finnick. I have no one else. And you knew, you knew how hard I worked on this piece and how excited I was to present it tonight. I wanted you to be proud of me, Finnick. But I’m done, I’m done waiting and hoping that you’ll care.”

His eyes soften, and he tries to put a gentle hand on your shoulder, but you brush it off harshly. “Y/N… I do care…” You shake your head and back off to put some distance between the two of you “Well I don’t need you to anymore. I’m done. This…” You gesture between the two of you “This is over. Goodbye.” You walk off into the night and head back to your room, trying to ignore the sound of Finnick’s room shutting a few hours later. You wondered where he went after your fight that night. If he went to his friends to vent and laugh about your perfectly reasonable reaction.

—

The next morning, you woke up early, determined to ignore Finnick from now on. You head to your secret treehouse, the one you and Finnick built when you were younger. You spent all morning reading your book, the one Finnick gave you for your birthday actually. It felt as if life was trying to play with your nerves. Your peaceful reading session is suddenly put on pause when a paper airplane slides under the mossy wooden door. You roll your eyes, knowing only you and Finnick knew about this place.

You sigh loudly, making sure he would hear the sound of your annoyance through the door. You angrily slam down your book on the pillow next to you and stand up to pick up the paper airplane. You open it and try to decipher whatever Finnick’s bad handwriting had written down on the paper. 

 ‘I don’t feel like fighting anymore. I can’t spend another minute without you Y/N. You’re right, I was stupid. Boys are stupid, more than often, sadly. Guess that means I need you to slap reality back into my face from time to time. I’m sorry, truly. I’ll make sure to let you know through acts how much you mean to me.

P.S. : Open the door, angel'

You open the door and stare at a nervous Finnick fidgeting with the basket he was holding.

“What’s this?” You ask, your tone still cold as you were still a bit mad, even though the letter made your heart warm up a little. 

“Banana muffins… I made them. I know that they’re your favorites…” You can’t help but crack a smile, letting him inside the tree house. Life was too short and uncertain to stay mad at each other. And life made sure to remind you that a few weeks later, on reaping day.

–

Everything happened quickly, too quickly. Your ears were ringing. Everything was spinning around you since Finnick’s name had been picked out of the glass jar. Peacekeepers brought him into the building, and you knew you only had a few minutes left to talk to him, to tell him all of the things that were yet unsaid. 

You rush inside and jump into his arms once the peacekeeper lets you in. “Finnick, there’s something I need to tell you. I lo-” He puts his hand over your mouth, and you frown at him. You brush his hands off and start again “Please, listen to me, we don’t have much time. I-” “We’ll have the rest of our lives when I get back, save it for this moment, please angel…” He tries to smile through his fear.

He quickly glances at the doors, then back at you when he hears footsteps coming. He takes off his necklace and wraps it around your neck “Keep it safe for me until I come back to you.” He kisses your cheek, and you nod.

*Back to now*

The peacekeepers open the door and take him away from you. “Until next time Finn, please be safe!” You manage to say before the heavy door closes behind him. Your body crumbles down to the floor, your hand tightly wrapped around the trident pendant as your whole life seemed to have shattered the moment they took him away.

Looking at it now, it all seemed so simple. There was now way more important matters to worry about than some stupid children quarrel. You were frantically looking under every furniture in your home, your now swollen stomach limiting your movements. You have been carrying the fruit of your and Finnick’s love for five months now. A girl, the both of you had found out yesterday at your ultrasound. That was when you had last worn Finnick’s necklace, actually.

You had called the hospital, asking if they had found anything you might’ve forgotten there, but nothing. So you had concluded that maybe it might’ve slipped off from your neck at home, which is how you had gotten yourself bent down to look under the couch. Tears were rolling down your cheeks when you realized it wasn’t there either. 

You and Finnick were slightly struggling financially recently, which he was trying his damndest to hide from you to not put stress on your body for the baby. He had been working more, since you had drastically slacked your work hours at the local library, your nausea and fatigue making it hard to do anything, really. So losing the necklace Finnick had lovingly secured around your neck ten years ago, on the most scary day of your life, was a huge deal to you right now. It was worth way more than its weight in gold, even more so emotionally.  

You froze when the front door slammed shut when Finnick came back from work. “Angel, I’m home! Oh, how I missed my girls-” Finnick’s body tensed and his facial features folded in dread. “Y/N what’s wrong? Are you okay? Is the baby okay?” He strokes your cheek, searching your eyes frantically for answers as his other hand protectively lays on the side of your womb.

Through sobs, you manage to tell him that this morning you couldn’t find the necklace he gave you, and that you looked all over the house in vain. Finnick, to your surprise, throws his head back and sighs in relief. He kisses your lips gently and smiles. “Oh, my sweet, sweet angel…” He chuckles slightly and shakes his head, your eyes widen as he reaches for his pocket and extracts the cause of all your worries. He carefully places the necklace back to where he belongs, around the neck of the mother of his child, and speaks up “I wanted to surprise you for our fifth couple anniversary today. I know we said we wouldn’t buy each other presents but I still wanted to give you a little surprise. I brought it to the jeweler to have it polished and cleaned up… I didn’t think you would have noticed, nor that it would have worried you so much. I’m so sorry, darling.” 

You shake your head and chuckle, your hand tightly wrapped around the little trident pendant. “Thank you, my love.” You kiss his lips softly. “I have a surprise for you too, by the way.”

He raises a brow and grins mischievously. “Mh, really? I’m all ears.”

“I made banana muffins, with a peanut butter sauce in the center.” 

A roar of laughter reverberates from his throat “The ones you were craving last night?”

“Yeah. How did you know?” You tease him and walk over the kitchen to stuff one into your mouth.

“I paid attention...” He chuckles and joins you in the degustation of your surprisingly delicious concoction.

*Flash back five years after Finnick’s Hunger Games* 

It had been five now since Finnick had been reaped and won the 65th Hunger Games. You were still wearing his necklace, hoping the capitol sweetheart would be given back his freedom someday. You watched every interview of Finnick, watching him smile and laugh through it all, but you knew deep down all of this was a show, an act he had to perform under the pressure of President Snow. 

You are currently washing the dishes, his necklace hanging from your neck as you bend over the sink, your thoughts wandering to him, and the things you never got to tell each other the last time you saw him. You spin around at the sound of mail being dropped through the mail slot. You dry your hands on the towel and throw it lazily onto the table as you pick up the mail. Bills, bills, newspapers, more bills-

Your eyes narrow when the mail slot wiggles again. You put the mail down on the countertop and reach for what just dropped from it. A paper airplane… Your heart races. There could only be one person who would send a nineteen-year-old woman a paper airplane. You quickly unfold it, and your eyes race over the words.

‘Hi angel, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? We have a lot to catch up on, especially since our last conversation. You didn’t think I would forget now, did you? I figured I needed to fix that. I love you, Y/N. I really do. I hope you will forgive me for leaving you in the dark for far too long. It wasn’t to my liking, it was a torture, truly. The thought of your face, your voice, your wholeness was what kept me from breaking. My angel… I promise to explain everything if you’ll let me.

Once again, I love you. Truly.

Yours, if you want me, Finnick

P.S. : Open the door, angel’

The paper airplane falls from your hands as you yank the door open. Finnick is standing there, all grown up, a bouquet of lilies, your favorites. You freeze in place, flabbergasted from the sight of him.

“Hi.” He finally speaks up, smirking nervously, scratching the back of his neck. “You… you kept the necklace…” He whispers, staring down at the pendant lying perfectly on your chest, just above… he tries to compose himself, trying to keep his eyes in the right places. 

When he looks up at you he barely has the time to think before you throw your arms around his neck and crash your lips onto his. The kiss is hungry, desperate, and messy. You back him off inside the house, his lips not leaving yours once. He places the bouquet down onto the kitchen table, and wastes no time to lift you up into his arms.

Not many words were exchanged that night, only passion, love, and yearning. Nor did you spend much time anywhere but in your bed, the new couple didn’t leave it until past noon the next morning. 

*Back to now*

Paper airplane letters have become a method of communication between the two of you since the day Finnick became yours. It helped Finnick a lot to open up about the dark thoughts that clung to him since the games, his 65th, his 75th, and the revolution against President Snow. On some nights, he still woke up from his nightmares clinging onto the sheets as if it was a matter of life or death, his breathing raspy as if someone had cut off the oxygen feeding his lungs, and sweat dripping down his skin. You always stayed by his side, and helped him troughthrough everything, just like he would and did for you when needed. Everyone might think that Finnick was good at expressing himself, being the biggest flirt there was on Panem, but you knew your boyfriend better than that. You knew that more than often words never seemed to come together when he tried to open up his heart, as if they were somehow stuck in his throat instead of flowing out through his lips. 

You knew better than anyone when something was wrong with Finnick, just like right now. He leaned against the doorframe of your shared bedroom as you were laid down in bed, the little girl moving inside your womb had now gotten big as you were getting closer and closer to your due date.  You lift your eyes from the book resting on top of your huge stomach and stare at him, shooting him a questioning look as he stays there instead of joining you in bed like he usually does. He opens his mouth a few times, his fingers twitching at his sides, and moving in and out of his pockets. Not a word seemed to find its way out of his mouth.

“Finn… What’s wrong, love..?” You put your book down on the nightstand but as you start to rise from the bed he motions you to stop. You stay put, still sitting on the edge of the bed, and tilt your head, your eyes glued on him.

“Okay, give me a fucking second, I’m nervous.” His hands were shaking into the pockets of his jean jacket. You both stare at each other in a heavy silence for a moment that feels like an eternity. He clicks his tongue and his shoulders slump, a look of disappointment reading on his face. “Never mind. Can’t do it.”

You knew better than to walk after him for answers, that he would find a way to open up to you about whatever he looked so uneasy to confess when he'd be ready. He closed the door softly behind him, leaving you confused and slightly worried for him. You settle back under the duvet of your bed and try to keep up reading your book where you had left off before this interruption. A few minutes later, you hear a soft swishing sound coming from under the bedroom door. You can’t help but smile slightly. It had been a while since Finnick felt the need to write a paper airplane letter. You were happy to notice that he still used his communication techniques when he felt the need. You slowly unfold the origami, and read the short content of words laid onto the paper.

‘Y/N, love, will you please marry me? 

P.S.: Open the door, angel.’

You yank the door open at the all too familiar confession situation. Finnick is kneeling down on one knee, a mesmerizing grin stamped on his face, tears at the corner of his eyes while yours were heavily pouring down your cheeks. He is holding out to you the most beautiful golden ring you have seen in your life, a white pearl ornating the center of it. His hands are still slightly shaking in anticipation, he opens his mouth to at least try to say something but you save him from the struggle. You kneel in front of him and wrap your arms around his neck tightly, kissing his lips hungrily. “Yes, yes Finnick. I will marry you.” You giggle, all while sniffling not so graciously, and he smiles. He slides the ring onto your finger and kisses it gently. He swiftly lifts you up into his strong arms and captures your lips with his needy ones once more, leading the two of you back inside your shared bedroom. When you woke up next to him the next morning, the sun shining down onto your golden ring and Finnick's graceful sleeping form laid down next to you, his fingers intertwined with yours through his slumber, you knew that whatever would come in your way the both of you would find a way out of the woods.

A/N : I was wondering if I should've made this two parts instead of one... tell me what you think I should do for next time!

[mandyspeaks]

How is BPD created from a BPD perspective

In my experience BPD is created through fundamental abandonment trauma, particularly with family. I can give an example to show how this functions.

Let’s imagine Betty lives on a planet far away, where it is customary for family members to always shake hands when they see each other. Betty sees other families doing this all the time. She sees her own family members shaking hands with each other. Yet for some reason, none of the family members will shake Betty’s hand. They simply refuse to and ignore her when she tries. Eventually Betty gives up trying.

When you’re a child, you often don’t have enough context for how healthy families work, to know that there’s anything dysfunctional about yours. In this case, the child is more likely to draw the painful conclusion that they are the problem. It’s not the adults for refusing to shake her hand, she must not be worthy of it. She internalizes this shame as a permanent core sense of self when relating to the world. She enters the world through the filter of “I’m not worthy. There is something inherently wrong with me.”

Later in life Betty falls in love and enters a romantic relationship. She finally has someone who will shake her hand upon greeting like she always wanted. Which possibly contradicts her feeling that she is not worthy.

For this reason her ego will hold on to this romantic partner in a way that idolizes them. They’re not just bringing her love, they’re validating her entire sense of selfhood.

One day her partner is in a bad mood and does not shake her hand upon entering their home. For couples that grew up in healthy homes, this would happen from time to time and be forgivable.

For Betty, she is actually reliving her childhood trauma of being denied a handshake. Her partner is not intending to hurt her, and cannot understand the seemingly disproportionate reaction.

Betty’s body is remembering all of the exact same sensations she went through when her own family would refuse to shake her hand. She is actively experiencing a PTSD flashback. On top of that, the experience is validating her core sense of shame and unworthiness.

Someone she once saw as someone totally different from those who betrayed her, is now acting the same way. To Betty, she feels like she cannot escape this pattern, because deep down, she is not worthy of having her hand shook.

Betty is in so much emotional turmoil during this flashback that she says angry and somewhat hurtful things to her partner. Her thoughts are racing and she feels like a hurt child again. In the moment, she feels that she is doing what she can to reveal this deep seated pain to her partner, which is so painful that it comes out laced with anger and betrayal that is not solely from this moment, but decades deep. She isn’t just speaking to her partner in this moment, she is speaking to her family members who neglected and abandoned her.

Betty tells her partner she doesn’t want to speak to them anymore. Betty does not feel she is worthy of having her needs met, so she has to find another way to get them met. By pushing her partner away, part of her hopes that they will “realize” the truth of her pain and validate it. But her partner doesn’t understand why she is having such a strong reaction.

Eventually the PTSD flashback will fade away and for Betty it will feel like she is coming down off of a bad drug mixed with an angry panic attack. and Betty’s rational mind will start to see the situation as it is. For a BPD person an argument can feel like waking up with a bad hangover and seeing you texted your ex, but worse. It’s waking up to reality and seeing you have said things you know are unreasonable and pushed away the one person who showed you love.

The truth of BPD is that to an outsider, our behavior may seem unreasonable and difficult. But to that person, there are many layers of trauma and context that have led to these specific rejections being profoundly painful, especially when coming from someone you love.

[otomehoneyybearr]

Act 12

Episode 5: The Man Named K

Working w/ Maybelle Lace Note: As you read, you will see that some sentences highlighted in a different color, this is what they indicate.

Pink: Flashback Blue: Characters are acting

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Reni: ...

Reni: (I thought I sensed a gaze on me, but… perhaps it was just my imagination?)

Reni: (No, you can never be too careful. I'll take the long way around just to be sure.)

Syu: You were being watched?

Reni: I can’t be certain, but I felt a strange gaze.

Syu: It’s possible Amadate’s trying to make his presence obvious as a way to intimidate us.

Syu: Well, at least there's no way to eavesdrop here.

Reni: The scheduled time with K was at 10 p.m., right?

Syu: Yeah. I'm already waiting in the meeting room.

Syu: It’s K. He’s here.

K: "Otomiya? It's K."

Syu: You're filtering your audio?

K: "I can’t just reveal my identity, you know."

K: "I’ll get straight to the point. You’re suspecting Amadate, aren’t you?"

Syu: That's right.

K: "As you might’ve guessed, Amadate is involved in shady dealings using underground organizations."

K: "Being at the core of the troupe, I can provide evidence to support that."

Syu: What specifically?

K: "Testimonies of a fake reporter who illegally copied Mankai Company's script, and data of the exchanges taken from Amadate's PC."

Reni: With those, we might be able to show the connection between Amadate’s interference and the underground organizations.

Reni: I would like to disclose the contents of that data at the upcoming board meeting.

K: "I'm also currently being suspected and watched closely by Amadate."

K: "Right now, I’m pretending to be meeting with external contractors, but if I send a large amount of data, I might be exposed."

K: "If it was just suspicion, we could handle it, but having evidence of a leak of confidential information would be bad for us."

Reni: Then what should we do?

K: "I’ll copy it onto a physical disc and hand it to you directly. You alright with that?"

Reni: That’s fine.

Syu: But even now, you're altering your voice. Won't it be a problem if you hand it to us in person?

K: "I'll wear a mask or whatever, so it doesn't matter."

Syu: Then let me ask you something. Why take the risk of doing business with us?

K: "Every deal has conditions, right?"

Syu: ...There it is. Is it money?

K: "I don't want any of that. I just have two conditions."

K: "First, in exchange for providing information, I’d like you to treat this strictly as a personal scandal of Keiju Amadate once you corner him.

K: "In order to ensure the continued existence of the Hyakka Theater Company, you’ll need to handle the information on the premise that the misdeeds of Amadate are unrelated to the Hyakka Troupe."

Reni: I see.

K: "The second condition is... the data must be received by the general director of the new Mankai Company themselves."

Reni: What?

K: "As long as I can give it to the general director, they won't interfere with who she gives the data to afterwards."

Reni: That’s...

Reni: The history between Amadate and Mankai dates back to the company’s first generation. If possible, we as the first generation, would like to sort things out ourselves.

K: "That is just your ego talking."

K: "As you can gather from the first condition, I intend to carry the Hyakka Theater Company on my shoulders after Amadate leaves."

K: "That's why I'm willing to take risks to settle Keiju Amadate’s actions."

K: "It would only make sense for someone who carries the future of Mankai Company to step forward from your side as well."

Reni: ...Give us some time to consider the second condition.

Syu: We can't afford to be leisurely about this. The next board meeting you'll be attending is next week.

Syu: This is a perfect opportunity to expose Amadate in front of the directors, and it’d be a painful waste if the data doesn’t make it in time..

K: "There is also another reason we should hurry."

K: "Amadate will definitely try to sabotage Mankai Company's next performance."

Reni: Well, that possibility is worth considering, but...

K: "Amadate’s always been obsessed with Hakkaku Ikaruga’s scripts."

K: "There was once a time when Hakkaku Ikaruga came to a rehearsal at Hyakka Theater Company. Amadate asked him to write a script that day but got turned down."

K: “He said that a certain theater company had already caught his attention."

K: "His grudge against Mankai Company might stem from reasons around that time."

Syu: If that's the case, the space performance created from Hakkaku's concept would be intolerable for Amadate.

K: "Because interference of the first part failed, he might do whatever it takes in the second part."

Reni: All for Hakkaku... Is that why he used Kusumi?

K: "It seems that for him, the script of Hakkaku Ikaruga was the final piece to completing his plays."

Syu: I can understand being drawn to someone’s work, but to go that far...

K: "Mankai Company was simply in his way. Back then, Yukio Tachibana and the theater company had a lot of momentum."

K: "There was a lot of buzz about them winning the Fleur Award and Yukio, simultaneously, becoming the youngest person to join the board of directors."

Syu: You must’ve been close with Amadate for a long time to know such things.

Syu: Are you– it can't be...

K: "Well then, consider other ways to have it delivered."

Reni: Hold on, the discussion isn’t over—

Reni: He hung up. However, it seems likely that K is someone within the Hyakka Theater Company.

Syu: What are we going to do?

Reni: If we can corner Amadate in the board meeting, the next performance should go off without a hitch.

Reni: However, we'd be putting her in danger instead of protecting her, like we should be doing...

Reni: Moreover, this is a grudge that has dragged on since our time. This is our responsibility.

Syu: You and I were both pretty mean to them, though.

Reni: ...Of course, I don't deny that. That’s why we can’t afford to burden them any further.

Syu: The new members of the troupe are young, but they aren’t weak. They have endured many hardships.

Syu: Yukio's daughter in particular is getting stronger with each one. Trust me and talk to her. The reality is, it's the only way.

Reni: ...You’re right.

Izumi: It's almost opening day...

Izumi: Finally, everything we’ve been preparing for the Fleur Award is finally taking shape...

Izumi: We’re almost there, Dad...

Sakuya: Izumi.

Izumi: ?

Sakuya: There’s something in Saku’s scene that caught my attention and…

Sakuya: Huh? Is that a photo from your recent trip?

Izumi: Yeah. It’s a picture I took with the actors and other staff members.

Izumi: All of the people had quit theater after that performance.

Sakuya: Huh? Really?

Izumi: Yeah, since there wouldn’t be a place to perform anymore.

Izumi: It really is a shame. Everyone worked so hard to make it a wonderful performance.

Izumi: But when I heard from Dad that there are people that cherish the memories of that fleeting moment in theater for a lifetime, I understood.

Izumi: It's amazing how a single moment of theater can become an eternity.

Izumi: For me, it was my dad who inspired me to start theater, so I’m glad I fit to see a stage that can be considered the roots of theater for him.

Izumi: Talking to Dad made me reevaluate my own directing and what theater meant to me.

Izumi: Traveling alone really gives you time to think about various things on the way there and back..

Izumi: It was a good way to look back at my life up until now and make decisions for my future.

Sakuya: That's wonderful.

Sakuya: I was also influenced by Saku and wanted to go on a solo trip, but I couldn't go because I had to take part-time shifts to make up for the time I was taking off during the performance period.

Sakuya: I will definitely go on one when I get the chance!

Izumi: Yeah, I think that'll be good.

Sakuya: In the past, it would have been unthinkable for me to leave the theater company that I had finally found my place in.

Sakuya: But, I started thinking that this is a place that I can always come back to.

Sakuya: I feel like I can naturally leave on my own now.

Izumi: When you do, I'd like you to tell me your stories as a souvenir.

Sakuya: Of course!

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Prev | Next

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[sephirthoughts]

Vincent's New Kid Just Dropped CH. 5

FLASHBACK TIME: Deepground Part I

screenshots borrowed from @siringadev 💜 💙

Nero’s first memories weren’t of Weiss. They were of fear and pain. Being alone in a terrifying white space, full of noise and chaos. A woman weeping, somewhere he couldn’t see. Aching all over his body, sharp pricks in his skin, tubes sticking out of him everywhere, sickening chemical smells. The whirring and clicking and occasional beeping of machines.

They thought he was blind, at first, because he never looked around or focused on anything. It turned out he was nearly blind, but only in bright light. He had perfect dark-vision. This wasn’t a physical defect, they decided, but a successful result of bio-engineering, and congratulated themselves on their ingenuity.

He never cried, as an infant, and as a toddler, he never smiled or laughed. He was marginally responsive, but avoided eye contact, and was entirely nonverbal. They assumed he was mentally deficient, but he wasn’t broken. He just didn’t work the way they expected. 

The silent, crimson-eyed little boy was actually hyperaware, always absorbing and digesting information, sucking it up like a dry sponge. He just didn’t want to communicate with the people who put a muzzle on him, whenever they took him out of his room, poked and prodded him all over his body, like it was their property, stuck needles and probes into him, pumped his veins full of stuff that burned his insides, and fed him pills that made him vomit.

Rather than asking questions of his tormentors, he sent superfine threads of darkness into people’s heads and examined their thoughts directly.

When he wanted to know what was going on outside his cell, darkness vapor seeped from his palms and fingertips, slipped into the shadows, and wandered the vast, underground complex, taking his perception with it. 

Though he’d hardly ever left his own cell, by the time he was six years old, he knew enough about the Deepground complex's layout, that he could’ve drawn a reasonably accurate map from memory.

One day, his darkness tendrils crept under a door, to find a cell like Nero’s own, only it was bigger and had much nicer furniture. There was a boy there. Snow-white hair and silver eyes, a descended angel in a halo of light, blindingly bright to Nero’s darkness-filtered senses. 

He was definitely a child, but he was a lot bigger than Nero, and he looked fierce and strong. Beautiful and dangerous, like a lion in a picture book.

Nero wanted to reach out and touch him so badly it made his chest ache, but the darkness would only hurt the other boy. So he satisfied himself with watching him, from dark corners and beneath furniture. 

Over time, he grew bolder, and when the beautiful boy was asleep, the darkness would silently coalesce, inky purple-black, into the little demon’s spectral form, and he’d sit there for hours at a time; a creature of the abyss, lurking in the shadows, watching his angel sleep, and listening to the music of his soft, regular breathing.

Then, one night, the unthinkable happened. Those silver eyes opened, and looked right into his face. Nero’s spectral projection should have collapsed and scattered, but it could only stand petrified and stare back at the boy, captivated by his gaze, trembling with something that was akin to fear, but not quite the same.  

“Who are you?” the silver boy’s voice asked, drowsy and thick with sleep.

That broke the spell and Nero’s projection instantly dissipated. As his consciousness returned to his body, he thought he heard the other boy calling out to him. Wait! Come back!

For a long while afterward, he didn’t dare enter that room, or even send his tendrils anywhere too close to it. But eventually, his curiosity and an intense, irresistible compulsion to see that boy again won out, and he went venturing cautiously back.

This time, the silver boy had been waiting for him. He looked asleep and his eyes were closed, but the moment Nero’s specter had fully materialized, he heard a soft voice say, “Please, don’t run away. Please.”

He almost did, but something in the boy’s tone stopped him. His spectral form stood perfectly still, wide-eyed and wary, as the boy sat up in his bed. 

“I dreamed about you,” were the next words out of his mouth. “That you were sitting by my bed, watching over me. I mean, I thought I dreamed it. But…you’re real, aren’t you.”

Nero’s specter gave a tiny nod. 

“What are you?”

Nero stared. 

“Can you talk?”

He shook his spectral head slowly. He could talk, but he would have to touch the other boy with his darkness, and he was afraid that he’d hurt him. He’d seen the tentacles drag people into the miasma to be consumed within mere seconds, before. 

Not that he felt bad about it—they were all big people, and he didn’t care one way or another whether they lived or died—but this boy…he felt instinctively that it would be deeply heartbreaking, if he no longer existed.

“It’s ok, I can ask you yes or no questions,” the silver boy said cheerfully. “Are you alive?”

Nod.

“Do you live here, in Deepground?”

Nod.

“I’ve never seen you before,” the silver boy mused. “But I’ve never seen anyone but adults. They must keep you locked up, too. Are you dangerous, like me?”

Stare.

“Well, you must be, if you can sneak around past security and everything. Hey, have you seen any other kids, here?”

Shake.

“They say my brother is here, too, but I’ve never seen him. They say I can’t, because he’s sick. I don’t even know what he looks like. Probably like me. If you see a kid who looks like me, could you tell me? I just want to know if he’s ok.”

Nero recoiled, at the idea that the silver boy had someone he cared about, already, and would have become morose, only at that moment, booted footsteps came plodding down the hall, outside, accompanied by several adult voices.

“Oh, no!” the silver boy whispered. “They must be doing a surprise inspection! Go, go! Before they catch us! Wait—you’ll come and see me again, won’t you?”

Nero hesitated, then nodded, before his specter vaporized, whirling away into the shadows, leaving no trace of his passing.

LINK TO CH. 6

[penguwastaken]

On ‘Danganronpa Togami’ also, I would be of the viewpoint that most of what happened in the present in terms of actual events not merely spoken of was real (unlike the interpretation of certain others) and that the way Borges worked was essentially like a more advanced versions of the vision filters from ‘Black Mirror’, replacing what was seen/heard by Blue Ink with regards to the identities of (some of) the people who were being encountered then being obscured/replaced with others if they seemed to contradict what Blue Ink’s reality (as Byakuya’s biographer) was supposed to be, and what words they were saying. That what can be guaranteed to have been real 100% would be those scenes Borges wouldn’t have had the right context to in order to properly filter it off into something else, like most of the Ultimate Despair encounters, Byakuya calling Junko, the brief Mukuro encounter, Toko showing up and Genocide Jill going into action, etc., as well as any information given by characters in the games (like there being 15 to 108 Togami siblings). One particular fan theory building on this concept that I like being that the real Shinobu who died was the actual decapitator in the island flashbacks, Borges having switched around the identities of the major players in terms of what they did in presenting a facsimile of the past for her to look back upon. And that while the Ultimate Imposter may very well have been one of the many Togami siblings, it didn’t matter anymore to his present goals with Ultimate Despair, the ‘Kazuya’ Orvin made that way basically to see how his original plan might have gone if he hadn’t met Junko. It was a trilogy that seemed to assume one had played the other games/read the other novels, that its readership would understand what certain things would be referring to, even if not explicitly spelled out.

What would be your thoughts on the trilogy?

Ignore everything below, my mind has completely changed (lol). Read my updated review instead.

If you want a very short description of my opinion of Danganronpa Togami, it's basically this image.

I can't help but think that maybe if i read the Kagami Family Saga novels or if there were just better full translations, maybe i would have liked Danganronpa Togami more. But the truth is, I REALLY don't like Danganronpa Togami. It's honestly one of the worst media experiences I've ever had 😭

My biggest gripe is that i hate that any flaw with its storytelling can be exempt by just saying "well actually it was all fake and you don't know what's real and what isn't" because that just makes it worth nothing, if the bad stuff can be exempt then so can the good stuff. And it is HEAVILY implied that a majority of the novel is fake, the themes rely on it, it's the main point of the novel. And if they were real, that would make it actual dogshit and also just noncanon because it would contradict Danganronpa 3 and Zero.

I genuinely can't tell if I really like the twist or if I really hate it because it makes so much sense in retrospect but getting to that point was an actual pain to read, and the implications of it are also so baffling.

There's so much god awful stuff in this book like Kazuya and Suzuhiko, the weird recurring incest stuff, Byakuya's really bad and flanderized characterization, and all the absurd stuff that happens like Sakura projecting herself or the despair novel but it's all dismissed by the "it was all made up" thing which is so awesome but so stupid at the same time. If that twist was in literally any other novel I might like it but it's handled so poorly that I end up despising it.

Basically, I don't like this novel. And while parts of it matter, for the most part it can be easily dismissed because most of it was canonically made up.

I shouldn't have to read a completely separate book series to enjoy this. There was no need for all of the gross and poorly handled incest and sexual abuse stuff. Byakuya's characterization just makes him insufferable and his entire motive and actions is kind of gross. And to top it all off, NONE of it mattered. It's not like V3 where the events had an effect on the people involved or changed something, the book literally just describes it as another weekend in Byakuya's life and it's all forgotten and most of it didn't even happen. I sat through all of that for none of it to even matter. Basically what it results is self nullifying nonsense that means literally nothing as none of the events happened.

I'm sorry if you like this trilogy, I just can't find many positives. I went in thinking that maybe the hate for it was unfounded, I wanted to like it. I mean, I think Danganronpa 3 is great, I found redeeming qualities in Danganronpa S and Ultra Despair Girls. So if anyone can find something to like in an unpopular piece of Danganronpa media, it would be me. And honestly volume 1 wasn't even that bad, I remember thinking that it was kinda dumb but harmless. But my experience with Danganronpa Togami can best be described as a decent into madness. I have a lot of issues with it, but that's just my opinion.

[magical-glimpse]

hiiiiii!!! Please ask this question if you feel like! What do the rap line think of the first songs that they ever put out (individually/solo career wise) and who they were back then? [flashbacks to RM’s Afro hair and locs LOLLLLLL]

This is quite interesting ! Everyone was vibing so i jsut proceeded with it.

For entertainment purposes only

Namjoon: He recognize he was making music from a different place back then. He was running towards he dreams and brushing them with the tip of his finger. He was making music from both a place of pain and of inner peace from careful reflection. There was peace in the midst of questions, there was passion in the midst of grey matter products. His art comes from his mind, hopes and hurts and is filtered through his heart to become this skillful expression of self as a human being. Hoseok: " I was really trying, wasn't I ?". He was really a beginner at the time, or at least he felt like it. He wanted to make a mark, to express who he is within that careful persona of J-Hope . He wanted to make his album a fair expression, but that would be authentic and clever at the same time. He meant it to be a celebration of his image, something that would bring joy to those who listens to him, and would overall correspond to his idea of Hope, which is ultimately what he wants to bring.

Yoongi: Holy shit ??? Min Yoongi ??? I had an idea of the energy I would get but the cards bro ??? AND STAY ALIVE JUST STARTED PLAYING ???? MIN YOONGI. STOP IT OMG. So, Tower Rev., Ten of Swords, Page of Swords, Queen of Swords, Nine of Swords, The Emperor, The Sun, Death.

Do i need to say more ??

Actually yes, let me explain.

So, to Yoongi, making his solo music is all abotu healing all the pain and chaos and scary, traumatic situations. His first album in particular was the majority of this first step, of coming back into the past not as a trauma behavior, bt in order to see the truth in it, to cut through what is real and what not, to express it skillfully. And the gods know he did an incredible job at it. He made it clear, so that we could all see our pain clearly from the mirror and magnifying glass he put on himself right in front of us. The second part, which somewhat correspond to his second album, is abotu being able to reflect on that past without feeling that pain anymore. The pain has now turned into fear. Fear of others, fear of the future, of our shadow side (Daechwita MV) and our ourselves. Facing our nightmare with greater maturity than before (Page then Queen) and coming out of it more stable within ourselves and outside. Self-Empowerment from being able to weaken yourself and see the worst version of you, when everything else is stripped from you under your eyes. The third part is both more general and a good closing of this cycle. Music is now about finding happiness and peace, joy . About transmutation, about deep self transformation to you who you deserved to be all along.

[sigmaswaist]

Dazai angst!

cw and tw for Panicked induced seizures, Ptsd, panic attacks and dazai going non-verbal

beta read and edited by @karmicpunishment :)

Osamu shook out his hands as he walked through the doors to the Ada, he had just just came back from a meeting with the port mafia, and due to the terms of the truce it was in port mafia territory, he had felt Mori’s eyes on him the entire meeting, and after. Osamu had gotten to talk to Hirotsu after all these years which was nice, but he couldn’t truly enjoy it, being trapped under Mori's eyes had made him uneasy. Even though the port mafia’s boss was miles away Osamu still felt the icy glare of those controlling eyes, he had the urge to turn back just to see if he was still there. Osamu had flopped down on the agency’s couch as he breathed out.

“Dazai-San? Are you alright?” Atsushi had questioned innocently. Osamu rarely ignored the boy, but he hoped if he did then he would leave him alone. What Osamu didn’t know is that Atsushi would try and gain the other’s attention by physical touch.

Atsushi had reached to lightly shake the man to make sure he was alright, when his hand had just made contact with Osamu’s shoulder the older’s porcelain hands wrapped around atsushi’s wrist and Osamu had quickly dislocated the boy’s wrist, As Atsushi cried out in pain Osamu had shot up and across the room, Osamu had sunk down to the floor. As Osamu sank down to the floor, his breaths quickened, he covered his eyes with his hands as footsteps rapidly approached him. He cried out and pushed them away. Osamu tried to breathe as tears quickly filtered his amber eyes. He felt the cold gaze of mori, watching him. He could practically hear him ridiculing him for being so weak Osamu tried to get a grip on his trenchcoat. His last memory of Odasaku , leaving the mafia. leaving that glare behind him, but the memories of the meeting that had just occurred kept him in his mind. Moris watch following him as he talked came back to haunt him. Osamu blacked out as he struggled.

Atsushi Watched in horror as Dazai’s body began to seize, He called for Yosano as his Wrist bent back into shape. Yosano rushed to kneel by dazai and had timed Dazai’s seizure as it came to a close, Dazai laid there for a moment as his breathing returned to normal and his heart rate slowed.

“Atsushi go into my office and grab Dazai’s box of medicine and water please.” Yosano Turned to the boy as she sighed. Atsushi did as he was told and brought out a bin full of medicine labeled ‘Dazai Osamu.’ When Atsushi had returned Dazai had shifted his body to lay down on his back and cover his eyes. He was conscious again and was speaking in sign language to Yosano.

“Thank you atsushi-kun, go back to work now.” Yosano had handed dazai the water and opened a few different bottles and handed him the contents as well.

Osamu glared at Yosano as he took his medicine. First a flashback, then a seizure and now he went non-verbal? he really just wanted to go home now.

“Did you actually take your medicine or did you hide it again?” Yosano raised an eyebrow at him as he glared at her. ‘I took it, my brain is just being a bitch right now.’ Osamu rubbed his temples as the headache started to set in.

“So? What happened? your seizures are usually physical ones, but there isn’t a physical trigger for this one.”

‘Ptsd Triggered a panic attack, Which triggered a seizure, which triggered me going NV.’ Yosano nodded and wrote it down.

“Alright, look Dazai, go home, and I'm going to tell the president that you can’t go to these meetings anymore.” Yosano scolded. Osamu nodded and waved goodbye as he started the walk to Chūya’s apartment, he didn’t trust himself to be alone right now

Tag List: @glitchtricks94 @sunnikos

[000marie198]

“Sickens me that people will just filter out specific tags and posts when we stop using trigger warnings-”

Bold of you to declare that more people should suffer because they’re missing a few posts that might trigger unhealthy coping mechanisms if seen. Deepened depression, panic-induced spirals, and traumatic flashbacks are worth it if they can find out that something else terrible happened to someone today.

Using guilt as a blade is not cool.

People block trigger warnings because they know they might be triggered. There’s a reason they exist. That is literally the whole reason that these tags exist. To warn people.

But, you gave your opinion on this already with your blatant, “Like actually fuck you and your mental health-” because it’s not really that important, right?

No you self entitled bastard it isn't

Not in the current scheme of things. Not when some of you are actively silent and trying to ignore what is happening to the point of missing most of the context and believing the exact agenda being fed to you.

Some thing are like actually bigger than you.

Also, I believe you missed the entire point of the original post and only picked specific lines so let me explain this properly. Trigger warnings are extremely important but when an entire populace got bombed and so many in the world turned a blind eye to it, those spreading the actual true news stopped hiding it behind such filters so some of you would actually look and see what's been happening and being ignored and a fact completely misunderstood due to propaganda. But since it all was so horrific, it would be censored either way. Cuz you know, ppl who'd been fed lies and propaganda all their lives tend to ignore words and suffering of the entire damn planet unless it involves themselves. So mentions (not images, mentions) of some things go uncensored. BECAUSE YOU CAN'T FUCKING CENSOR HORROR OF THIS MAGNITUDE!

But lo and behold I have ppl in my inbox complaining about their own needs and trying to turn around and guilt trip me while saying guilt is not a good weapon.

This isn't guilt, it's rage. Its sorrow and anger and pain and empathy and so much more coming out as rage.

Also, thanks so much for trying to derail the main point. I was talking about people filtering out tags such as "Palestine" and "Gaza" etc so they don't have to see any news

Personally I can't bring myself to watch some things either, it messes with my head too, and yes I do skip some of it. But it doesn't fucking mean I actively try to stay out of the loop by blocking the tags that aren't actually trigger warnings but just main tags related to the news. Just so you don't have to feel anything and don't feel guilt for being complicit by staying silent

I'm not using guilt as a blade. Guilt exists naturally whenever one does something wrong and knows it. If the guilt is unprompted by the words of others then you're doing something wrong and you know it. Blocking "Palestine" and "Gaza" made you feel guilty? That's bcoz you're at fault for ignoring it all. If seeing it brought you pain and you did nothing but ignore it and block it, never spoke up of it, never learned the background, you're the one in the wrong and your guilt is your own not induced by anyone, especially by those who are angry, who aren't even trying to guilt trip you in the first place.

Stop forcing people to take drastic measures when it comes to knowing the truth that those imperialistic opaque domes hide and maybe we'd actually respect your rules.

But none of us have to follow your rules when your humanity is dead

[wispscribbles]

“No Rest for the Wicked” chapter 10

https://archiveofourown.org/works/45324736/chapters/117798646#main

Snippet:

Please, let this be another nightmare.

Ghost let out a painful cough, his ribs loudly protesting the jostle. His eyes were still adjusting to the dark space. The very small, very dark, very… coffin-like space. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck-

He squeezed his eyes shut promptly, attempting those breathing exercises he used to do after bad nightmares or occasional flashbacks. It usually worked better when Johnny did them with him. His heart’s speedy beats struggled to slow down this time, as every sense that trickled back to him were like his worst night terrors realised.

His mouth tasted like dust and blood. His nose quickly filled with an iron smell, alongside that of his own musty exhales caught in the balaclava. The sound of his shaky breaths seemed so incredibly loud to his own ears, and he was painfully aware that each intake of air was leaving behind less oxygen in the closed space.

When feeling slowly filtered back, so did the sharp sting of unknown injuries.

His heartbeat wasn’t slowing. He needed to get out.