#those doors closed for a reason
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let me drop some drama on y’all — in the last year + 7 days, I:
reconnected with multiple friends from high school at a wedding I legally officiated for two old friends
realized in hindsight that I had liked one of our classmates when we were in school, who had attended the wedding and was now recently divorced
started talking to him very often and, by proxy, the husband I officiated the wedding for
started an on-off flirtation with the divorced friend — [clarification: HE started it, but I was very receptive when I realized what he was doing, it just took me a while]
became the “dump my mental health problems” friend for the husband^ who I’ve said is like a baby brother to me for *checks calendar* 12+ years
was accused by my friend’s wife AND the friend that I was flirting with that I was having an affair with the husband or at least harboring romantic feelings for him
she also accused me of behaving like her abusive mother, when I told her she was out of line for even thinking I would have an affair with (1) her husband (2) who I kept saying was like a baby brother to me
held an intervention for the husband about his ragingly out of control anxiety, where he proceeded to, like, beat the windows of the car and yell and be violent [not at me but around me and I was very triggered and scared] — after which he said he couldn’t trust me anymore because I was projecting my anxiety onto him, and he was fine
fell into an episode of psychosis because I was surrounded by people who didn’t trust me for reasons they’d all made up in their heads, and were all mad at me for ❤️
[while in psychosis] dealt with the guy I was flirting with talking about wanting to sleep with his coworker, and being very on/off + hot/cold with me — which I wrote off as post-divorce emotional problems I just needed to be patient through lmao
[while in psychosis] dealt with the husband’s mental breakdown about never wanting to get married in the first place, dragging my family and the family of the guy I was flirting with into the mess — we got the husband pink slipped and I stopped talking to him and his wife
was told by the friend that had been flirting with me that he’d been leading me on, as he proceeded to ditch me for another friend that I helped him reconnect with — but promised me that we were besties and nothing would change!! (how kind. also? he broke that promise immediately and called me difficult)
dealt with his new girlfriend lying to me about them not being together, because no!! hoes before bros, Alex, I would never date someone who hurt my friend!! but also you need to be personally accountable for feeling hurt!!
there’s more in the way they’ve both treated me since he decided he was done with me, but my therapist and I are still parsing through it
turns out I probably don’t need to be taking Ativan twice a day and sleeping after work + all night bc of the high dosage, I just needed to start cutting out bad friends! my anxiety has never been more managed now that I’ve decided to listen to every other friend that’s told me these ones were all no good for me! I do need the anti-psychotics, though. I heard voices for 2 months and it was NOT a good time.
I didn’t have this much drama in my life ten years ago when we were actual children — the next time I start posting about liking a man, someone remind me that it brings me absolute misery. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t wanted to hop on his dick 🙄🙄🙄
#personal#tumblr is my petty platform and also my journal#but I’m serious about someone needing to remind me that men in a romantic context brings me nothing but trouble#the first time I’d been psychotic was a man’s fault too — I will NOT be happy if I have another episode#you might be wondering what the husband was doing about the affair accusations. the answer? needling me about my relationship to the other#we sat in the ER and I went from him saying sooooooooo you and [name]?#to then being kicked out of the room and the aide being like wow I bet you’re really glad this guy’s marriage is falling apart#also he was having an emotional affair with someone younger in his classes <3 so his wife SHOULDVE been worried#but not because of me who was CLEARLY trying to hop on this stupid emotionally unavailable dick and NOT her husbands#but now he has a girlfriend and doesn’t respond to my messages so what a giant waste of time lmao I didn’t even get to keep a friend in thi#there’s a lot of relief that we never slept together though. I don’t… think he wanted to but I sure did#if we had it would have hurt so much more when he dropped me#silver linings I guess#anyway the actual takeaway here is if you didn’t sustain interaction with them after graduation DONT reconnect#those doors closed for a reason#let them stay shut
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Sterek Rival Lawyers AU
It's A (Court) Date
Imagine, high-class, Ivy League, hot-shot, attorney Derek comes back from New York to the family firm to take over as partners with his sister after his parents decide to step down. He may not be on the level of his mother yet, but he's cut his teeth against Wall Street wolves and ruthless white-collar sharks. Derek's more than proved himself, so he just can't fathom these small criminal court cases his family is making him take "before he's truly ready" to be a part of the family business.
Enter in his first case. Right out the gate, the state assigned defense is, not only late to court, but also arrives in a flurry of limbs and papers, tripping all over himself, and profusely apologizing to the room as a whole. "Sorry! Sorry! Car trouble!"
The guy is out of breath, tie crooked and hair a mess. It makes Derek wrinkle his nose at the unprofessionalism and the blatant disrespect to everyone's valuable time.
The presiding judge, the Honorable Ms. Lydia Martin, only sighs a heavy sigh, as if this sight is nothing new, and says "Mr. Stilinski, I suggest you don't let it happen again."
Derek is honestly getting annoyed by how easy this is going to be. He could've been doing literally anything else right about now rather than being here going against a common rent-a-lawyer with some Podunk community-college degree. The opening statement for the defense is laughably inept. Full of nervous stuttering, backtracking, running tangents, and babbling. He's still apologizing, trying to assure the jury that he's just having an off-day today.
It's embarrassing to watch.
Nonetheless, Derek goes through the motions, practiced and poised. Examines all the evidence, presenting times and dates, prior arrest records, the works.
During this time, Mr. Stilinski is frantically (and VERY LOUDLY) flitting through a cartoonishly large stack of papers and whispering to his client. Derek has to fight to grit his teeth through his presentation.
Finally, it's time for Mr. Stilinski to cross-examine Derek's client and, unbeknownst to him, the beginning of Derek's long, long spiral of madness for the rest of his career.
"Judge Martin, I would like to move to have this case thrown out."
"Oh?" asks Judge Martin. For some reason, there's an amused smirk, almost fond, tugging at her lips "On what grounds?"
A giddy, almost manic, grin takes over the defense attorney's face just then. "On the grounds that the prosecution's client is full of bullshit."
The judge rolls her eyes and an exasperated "Stiles," slips from her lips, seemingly against her will. (Derek's not really surprised by the familiarity between the two of them. With how often state-assigned lawyers are called to the courtroom on small cases, it wouldn't be too big of a leap to suggest they might be chummy.)
"Respectfully, of course." Mr. Stilinski--er Stiles?--winks back at her.
"Objection. Your honor, this is ridiculous."
"Overruled. Make your point, Stilinski."
"Mr. Davis says he saw my client at 12:30 P.M., on August 4th, attempting to take his back-right hubcap outside his apartment. Mr. Davis' apartment complex at that time, on that particular day, would have cast a huge shadow over the back lot as evidenced by the gaudy sundial-art-installation outside the courthouse. Meanwhile, my client's picture, when taken in for questioning, has a sunburn on the entire right side of his face. This would corroborate Mr. Lyle's story of walking home alone, down the upper, unshaded side of Elmore Street, during one of the hottest days of the year, for an hour straight. Also, the fact that Mr. Davis has no realistic idea how long it would actually take a person to steal a hubcap should be evidence enough."
"Uh-huh. And this wouldn't happen to be something you've ever had any expertise in, would it, counsel?"
"I plead the 5th."
And just like that, Derek's case is thrown out so quick, he's still reeling about it all the way home.
For the next two years, this becomes Derek's life. This man, this Stiles Stilinski, keeps showing up like a whirlwind and absolutely puts him in his paces.
Stiles, as he insists Derek call him, is a powerhouse. Relentless and unstoppable. That mouth can filibuster for literal hours (which, for those unfamiliar, is when someone legally cannot be forced to give up their time on the floor as long as they can keep talking), that brain quick as a whip, with a hunger for research, a mastery of the English language svelte enough to trip up even the most well-rehearsed lie, and an attention to detail like nothing Derek has ever witnessed before. It's like he knows every law inside and out. Lives it. Breathes it. It's like he had been raised on the law his whole life. Not only that, it's like Stiles enjoys it. Every case is a new game to get excited about.
All of it makes Derek's blood boil.
However, it's not always about losing to Stiles all the time, because, honestly, that might be less humiliating.
In truth, when faced against Stiles, Derek's bound to win about 60% of the time. Out of that 60%, only 5% of those wins actually feel earned. As for the other 55%?
He knows Stiles is letting him win.
Derek can't prove it, but he knows the asshole is holding back on purpose nearly half the time. Knowing that Stiles could have beaten him if he wanted to, but didn't, is somehow more frustrating than just losing.
He hates Stiles.
He hates that the guy is so chipper and playful all the damn time. He hates that Stiles could probably work at any firm he wanted, could make enough money to get a decent car that doesn't shit out all the time, could buy a proper-fitting suit, but instead CHOOSES to stay here "watching out for the little guy", as he so put it.
He hates that facing Stiles in court is the most challenged, the most motivated he's ever felt in his entire life. He hates that Stiles brings out in him the spark of passion and drive Derek had long thought had died. He hates that Stiles always tries to banter with him during recess or whenever they have to exchange evidence.
He hates finding out that Stiles only loses cases on purpose when his endless amounts of research points to the defendant actually being guilty of horrendous crimes, because Stiles is a good fucking person.
He hates Stiles' constant teasing and he hates that Stiles is somehow able to bring Derek down to his childish level to tease back. He hates how much he looks forward to court-dates with Stiles now. He hates being invited out by Stiles over and over to grab a bite together after a long day, as if Stiles hasn't been wiping the floor with him on this case for the last month. He hates it even more that he always accepts and that now they have their own designated booth at the diner across the street. Derek's so unbelievably frustrated, it makes him want to bite Stiles at the neck just to hear that smartass mouth squeal.
"Hey, I ever tell you I was thinking of quitting before you arrived?" Stiles asks one night as they're walking to their cars.
Derek's head immediately snaps to him at that. "What?"
Stiles smiles distantly at the thought. "Oh, yeah. Things had started feeling like being trapped in a cubicle, y'know? There wasn't any challenge in it anymore."
"What made you stay?"
"Well...you did. You were the first, serious competition I'd faced in a while. It wasn't a matter of winning just to win, anymore. Going against you always reminded me of the reason why it was important for me to win. It gave me stakes, because now there was an actual chance I could lose and an innocent person could go to jail. You, I don't know, kinda reignited my passion for fighting the good fight, I guess."
Derek can feel his heart thumping hard in his chest. He wants to say 'You did the same for me!' He wants to tell Stiles that he didn't think his life could ever be this fun or happy or messy or chaotic or exhilarating or challenging or fulfilling before coming to Beacon Hills.
But just as Derek goes to open his mouth to sing Stiles' praises, he instead finds himself roughly shoving him up against the Camaro and biting hungrily at that mouth and tongue that's been the bane of his existence. There's a surprised little squeak that Derek quickly swallows up, but it isn't long before they're both tearing at each others' clothes and fucking each other dirty in the backseat of Derek's car.
What's crazy is, after they get together, nothing in their careers really changes. The only difference is now they get to fuck each others' brains out after an intense battle in court (and the sound Stiles makes when Derek bites him is exactly what he always imagined it would sound like). They still face against each other on opposite sides in court. They still give it everything they got, no conceding even if they are dating now. Not to mention, Derek wouldn't dream of tempting Stiles over to his firm. Not when he knows Stiles is at his best staying where he's at.
The day Derek's family finally decides it's time for him to take over the firm with Laura is the best day of his and Stiles' lives.
Not only does Derek tell them he's declining, he hires Stiles as his attorney to negotiate terms against his entire family of well-seasoned lawyers.
The entire month-long negotiation results in Derek, not saying a single word, but absolutely beaming as he watches his boyfriend run circles around his mother, his father, his uncle, and both of his sisters on contracts. It's so unbelievably hot, they're banging on whatever flat surface they can get their hands on every time they leave the boardroom. There's even one very memorable blowjob in the empty hall outside the boardroom when Stiles somehow manages to get Peter to agree to a (most likely illegal) clause dictating the firm will pay Stiles a finder's fee for any pro-bono case Stiles takes on outside of Beacon Hills that strikes his fancy.
And, no one says it, but they all know Derek definitely, 100%, dragged his own firm through this negotiation just to show off how incredible Stiles is to his family and preen about it.
--
Fast-forward, Derek is going to be in the audience for the first time for one of Stiles' cases.
While waiting in the hall, Derek sees a familiar face from his New York days. The prosecution has hired the eighth best lawyer money can get, Jackson Whittemore. He's sporting a Rolex, sunglasses indoors, and the face of someone who thinks he's above literally every other person in town.
Well, at least until he sees Derek.
For some reason, Jackson seems to think Derek is all the way out in the middle of nowhere to 'watch a master at work' (which...well...is technically true...).
As Derek goes to sit in the audience, Jackson tells him in passing, "This'll be over so fast, probably won't even get a chance to learn the other guy's name."
Derek chuckles and says back, "Ooh, buddy, you have no idea."
Before Jackson can think more on that, a whirlwind of limbs and papers suddenly hurls through the doors.
Derek sits back, gets comfy, and waits eagerly for the show to begin.
My first moodboard. Hope you enjoy. AU based on a discussion with @casually-eat-my-soul (I suggest checking out their version). This was kind of like a divergence from that (the brain juices just started flowing).
#sterek#lawyer au#negotiating terms as a form of foreplay#Derek might have a competency kink#Stiles' contract states the firm will pay his salary without influencing his decisions as a shadow employee and his clients pay nothing#He's also allowed to travel anywhere he wants for a case on company dime#Unbeknownst to Derek most of the Hales had at one point in time all faced off against Stiles in court before#The only reason Derek was called back from New York in the first place was because they consider a 'Stiles Case' a rite of passage#“Getting Stiles'd” is something all Hales must go through to be humbled#The Hales call Stiles The Reaper in private behind closed doors#No one thought Derek would end up marrying the Boogeyman the insatiable nightmare creature that haunts the Hale name#And now they have to live with this court goblin as their new inlaw#For those who don't know pleading the 5th is enacting your right to not reveal information that could get you in trouble with the law#meaning Stiles has definitely stolen a hubcap off a car before which may or may not have been a police cruiser#Also pro-bono means a lawyer choosing to represent a client free of charge as a form of charity#They absolutely fucked nasty after Derek got to witness Stiles smear Jackson's smug career across the pavement#teen wolf#derek hale#stiles stilinski#tyler hoechlin#dylan o'brien#mieczysław stiles stilinski#minific
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Pedro at the gym, again, in a cute Freaky Tales sweatshirt!! 🥺🥺
#pedro pascal#looking fit and still has his cute lil tummy 🥰🥰#I do wish he wasn’t there all the freakin time though#not for the reason you think#but because I’m walking around my neighborhood a few weeks ago and see those. yellow. doors.#it’s sooo close to my place it’s stressful 😭 😭
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I don't know how much more explicit the message of "THIS IS GROOMING" could have been without Be On Cloud superimposing it in all-caps text over every one of Non and his teacher's scenes. People interpreting that as "cheating" are cracked in the fucking head.
#dead friend forever#dff the series#barcode fucking killed those scenes!!! the desperation and discomfort and resignation!?!!#the fact that Non was textually terrified of dying at the hands of Tee's uncles gang unless he found that money#and once he accepted it and Keng held that power over him did he lean in to kiss him.#theres a reason that even universoty professors are fired for having relationships with their ADULT students.#because holding a position of institutional power over someone like that in a relationship is deeply deeply disfunctional and bad#do you think that if you were a child that felt they had literally nowhere else to turn. not to parents. or friends. or partner.#and a teacher said they would fix all your problems in a room with a closed door and kissed you.#you wouldnt feel obligated to kiss back and offer yourself up in exchange???#because what?? you're too moral??? you'd rather die???#THIS IS HOW GROOMING HAPPENS. ITS ADULTS SEEKING OUT THE MOST VULNERABLE PEOPLE IN THEIR CLASSES AND HOLDING SOMETHING OVER THEM.#IF I SEE ANYONE CALLING NON A CHEATER AGAIN I AM GOING TO KILL.#ITS STATUTORY RAPE. YOU THICK FUCKS.#KENG MADE HIM KEEP HIS SCHOOL UNIFORM ON. HE'S A FUCKING PEDOPHILE.#IM GOING TO KILL.#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA SOME OF YALL ARE THE STUPIDEST MOTHERFUCKERS AROUND. YOURE STUPID. YOURE SO FUCKING DUMB. GODDDDDDDDDDDDD
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Can’t deny, that is definitely a Princess (P1 | P2 | P3) (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#The Captain#DAX#ZEX#Obviously ZEX had to be the Princess! Come on now! Lol#Why was DAX so ready to let the Captain in? Wouldn't that just encourage ZEX? I mean first of all what else is ZEX up to lol#Very Snow White/Rapunzel banished/exiled/captured princess vibes haha#Poor ZEX he'd love to go out but he's in royal time out! You'd think there'd be more monitoring on Princes coming to rescue him hehe#Anyway point is most Princes back out of rescuing him for some reason hm ♪ DAX is just letting it play out haha#The Captain's reactions are encouraging! And then DAX can get back to his peace and quite haha#I do love the one of DAX pressing his head tendrils against the door as he speaks haha - do you suppose they have a kind of hearing to them?#I mean I still think those little pockets on the sides of their heads are VUX ears but I wonder if their tendrils could aid in hearing?#More than just interpretation through body language or touching when in close proximity - more nuanced vibrations maybe? :0#And even if not all that then just like resting fingertips on the outside of the door while speaking through it hehe <3 It's cute!#Designing ZEX's dress was fun hehe ♪ I went through a couple versions and I'm glad this is the one I settled on :D#Initially the skirt was plain - I'm still not Fully sold on it but I do like the idea of it mimicking those little red marks on VUX forehead#And of course he needs a pretty tiara/tendril jewelry! He has to be the prettiest in case of company!#For some reason the Captain is having second thoughts haha
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dear gods i adore horror tbh but i am way too sensitive to it
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#idk how to describe 'sensitive' rn i'm dying in the head i should be asleep but Man!!!!!#i search up tons of horror stuff for funsies. movies uhh creepypastas stories real life events etc. fun!#BUT it freaks me out wayyy too much. bcs i really don't deal well w Those feelings of paranoia.#my imagination too good i was scared at night going to sleep bcs i'd imagine what to do if an intruder came in from the bedroom door#or bathroom door and think of how i'd escape Death.........#Did Not Help my area before was kinda yk. chillax. chillax meaning grassy tree-sy backyard overgrown trees#old-ish in a filipino chill neighborhood that isn't very fancy ?????? idk.#and the fact one time my dad almost died and someone standing close to him Did die so. haha. traumatized from that.#I WASN'T THERE..... but i rmbr my dad coming home and the news absolutely terrified me. anyway!#wow... rambling on tumblr at 3 and a half am... Nostalgic.#anyway yeah i love love love horror stuff but i am !!! so bad w them !!! like jesus christ i adore resident evil and bloodborne#is my whole bloodline. or something. but i can't even watch my twin kill 1 zombie in a re game Demo (she can't do it either)#and i can only make it to killing the first monster in bloodborne and explore a tiny bit where there are still no enemies. god.#AAAGGGGHHHhhhh ... and the first point of horror in omori then i stop playing for months...... even tho i rlly wna play more :((#2024 ........ cmon... i will try to overcome my fears more.#i've improved somewhat at least! ...from when i was younger. like. man. i could never stay in night-time in games ever.#ffxv? nah i always have to travel at morning. only when i got strong enough that daemons were nothing to me did i stop#getting scared. ouuughhh... and i always try to be stealthy in games........... for many reasons ofc but 1. Scared#okay i shut up now. apollo rambles of tonight: done and over!
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very very personal, just insight into where im at w my family and things that bother me/have encouraged me to move out
"i know youre moving out so im just gonna say no ones kicking you out and if you feel like this is something you have to do then ok"
thanks! i know im not being kicked out! but yknow i kinda yet a weird vibe when your out of touch husband takes me to a cemetery to yell at me, tell me im just like my father/dont give my father "the time of day", and that im "mean to people who care about me" in front of his dead mother's grave in a poor attempt at guilting me out of speaking my mind. but no yeah thanks for stating the fucking obvious that im leaving on my own terms
#problems!#people seem to underestimate how quick i am to make moves#the job market is piss. cant believe yall two would blame me for being unemployed when all i do from rise to slumber is hound ppl for jobs#im not going to stay in a house where i will be 'scared straight'. that shit doesnt work on me. in fact it has the opposite effect#i respect yall even LESS now#and youre so so fucking lucky one of my goals for next year is to make things right with you it would be easy to cut you off forever#same way i did with my abusive transphobic dad.#my mom is someone i know can do better and can actually listen to reason instead of being stuck in her generation's mentality of#'x is easy if you just do y. you kids have it so easy the world is at your fingertips' blah blah fucking blah#i am autistic i do not keep jobs easily. i am trans jobs do not want me. i am black and perceived as a woman. every customer at all of my#past jobs thinks i am rude or mean or have an attitude when i do nothing but treat others the exact way i would want to be treated#customers dont like what i say? i stop talking. customers dont like when i dont talk? i talk to them. rinse repeat#like i know im the problem here but all of my problems circle back to my autism and the fact that because im not a supergenius or#someone whose special interest is capitalism i fail at every avenue i try to jam myself in.#but yeah no i need to work harder i need to be taken to a FUCKING CEMETERY and yelled at by YOUR HUSBAND for wanting to go to the bathroom#in front of his mothers grave. god rest her soul and yall know im no christian so i actually mean that shit#because in his mind all i want to do is smoke and party. when i smoke because i have fucking migraines and g to shows#(two out of three of them being free and for the purpose of their willingness to 'get me out of the house')#bc i like music and i like engaging w my scene. but no its all violent noise theres no actual purpose or activism behind moshing. nope#its just one big party right. im just wasting my time right. because i like sleepin on a couch every night with no doors to close. yep ok#anyway heres to me getting my meds getting the fuck out and being somewhat far from my scene now that im moving#hows that for smoking and partying all the time huh?#if any of yall read this i am so so sorry. bitching about my stepdad will become a thing i think#hes one of those bible thumpers that are totally boring and indifferent to differences around them and thinks my mom is just like him#in some ways? she is. but she is a people pleaser and will never take her wants or her feelings seriously#because she had the unfortunate upbringing in being brainwashed into thinking her feelings/wants are sinful#shoutout to my christian or catholic mutuals who are fucking normal and dont let some old fantasy novel control your life. peace#religion mention
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I’ve known about the Walrus vs Fairy debate for about 11 minutes now and I’ve never been more angry in my life you’re all wrong and I’m taking it personally.
#walrus vs fairy#fairy is more surprising. I’m this close to writing multiple paragraphs on why#walrus is an initial shock and then I’m delighted and varying degrees of concerned while I make some calls#i see a fairy?? I’m fucking elated and I’m fucking terrified and both emotions are ongoing.#if I can classify a hereto undiscovered creature as a fairy upon opening my door by my cultural idea of what a fairy is#then I’m fucking panicking#bc there 800 varying rules and laws about fairies and I cannot off the top of my head know which ones to trust#I’d be terrified to speak a word lest it be twisted on me. do I let it in my house?#is letting it in my house a favor? an insult? basic manners?#I wouldn’t say it’s my Roman Empire but once in a while I think about fairy rules and get stressed tf out#even saying shit like no thank you can get you in a world of trouble#if I open the door to a walrus that’s crazy but I would reasonably know what to do about it#I’m having three crises at once if I see a fairy and at least one of those crises is about linguistics
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Sometimes I imagine a feral demon breaking in from my window, slashing me with it's long sharp fingers and devouring my head whole and leaving my body bloody and headless on the bed to bleed all over everything, and my family finding my corpse next morning when it's time for breakfast/when I don't come out of my room
#gore#thoughts#demons#i close my door and windows for a reason#i usually stay in my room so it wouldn't get concerning until i dont leave my room from 0000 to 2000#reasons i dont let feral demons in#domestic demons and those who are compassionate or at least doesnt kill directly are much preferred#this is a genuine fear#the demons who can survive daylight scare the fuck outta me
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i think (to speak sanely and in a practical manner for a minute rather than a self-pitying one) that it’s hard to both a) feel all you’re feeling, b) keep going and be a professional and also a daughter and a sister and a friend to all the people in your life. and you do have to do both! the way out is through, it’s time, it’s good not to melt down in the wrong time and context, in places where it wouldn’t be helpful and would just be a weight for everyone else. but the melting down still needs to happen. the tears still need to be cried and the feelings felt. and it’s just. the balance of that is part of what is so hard to strike.
#i keep having this image of me just going into a room and shutting the door and crying for four hours and then falling asleep#and tbh that is exactly what i need to do#but it is amazing how hard it is to have the space and the opportunity to do that in close quarters. with a busy schedule.#with work that still needs to be done. and around other people who are feeling variations on the same theme#there's also just the reality that i can't do any of this perfectly which is its own crushing weight#and then the feeling of being alone and frozen that overtakes#but some of those come out of not being able to have the space of just pure sadness#the sadness is many things. catching up and all converging at the same time and space and point#but the sadness is one thing and i need to let it exist and let it breathe and let it BE#for a little bit#and i have not been able to because of all the aforementioned reasons
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youtube
exene talking about the state of the world. the good stuff starts at eight minutes. or you can just read the transcript complete with the usual errors that accompany robot transcribed speech (the irony of which is not lost on me). maybe it's not about transhumanism and living forever (or maybe it is who knows), but there's definitely an agenda of surveillance and control at work which is designed to keep the powerful in power. cash rules everything around me and you will own nothing etc. the future is worse.
#google has helpfully flagged this as a 'conspiracy theory' which let me know it was definitely worth paying attention to#sometimes a conspiracy theory turns out to be flatearth-tier but anything those in control are putting effort into discrediting#concerns me and makes me look deeper. if they're going to the effort to control the discourse there's something there that#threatens them. anything google calls a conspiracy theory is worth a closer look. it often means someone has gotten too close to the truth.#she's brave to be talking about this shit they basically cancelled her and forced her to apologize for talking about how they want#to take our guns and the media is lying to you and stirring up fear so they can get away with passing gun control#like wtf leftists should be all about gun rights. a disarmed population is totally at the mercy of the state's authority#it's not very punk to surrender entirely to regimes in power and let the only people with guns be the police#like c'mon guys we need guns. and it's like drugs. they exist anyway. better they do so in broad daylight than in the shadows#they let adam curits talk about this stuff for some reason and no one calls him a conspiracy theorist idk why but there's a reason#i guess his stuff is not a threat to them bc it's dense and heady and seven hours long so the masses will never absorb it#ex punk rocker yelling about new world order in plain language monologues of digestible length is a much bigger threat#i swear there are secretly fifty people in control of everything and their entire aim is to make sure it stays that way no matter what#but it's really gross how obvious it's getting like the whole system just funnels money straight to the top and they don't even care#about hiding it anymore they're just doing it out in open and denying objective reality with confidence it's too much sometimes#i swear i can feel my grasp on reality deteriorating. it's as if there were a loud buzzing in the out of doors that was getting#louder every day and nobody ever said anything to acknowledge that it was real nobody talked about hearing the buzzing but it just#keeps getting louder and i'm finally like wtf is with this buzzing and everyone gets mad at me for shouting over their netflix show#that they weren't really enjoying in the first place. like no one is happy in the modern world. why can't we talk about why without#turning against each other. that's why doug saying 'maybe we're all the same' is such a big deal to me. anyone who is trying to unite us#is doing important work. that trump supporter is not the enemy. they are the victim just like you.
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I broke up with my bf today and I feel like my final straw was such a dumb reason helppp
Look, my final straw with my only ever boyfriend — in a like 3yr long relationship — was the fact that he stood there while I was building a desk and just pointed out what I was doing wrong instead of trying to help.
In that moment, I was done.
There are no stupid reasons, sometimes when you’re done, you’re done <333
#there were other reasons but that was IT#he also ruined my 21st birthday but that’s a story for another time hahah#lmao this stirred up feelings#bc he was one of those bf’s that was such a safe option and my whole family loved him#but he was such an ASSHOLE behind closed doors sometimes#anyway— I built my desk without that bitch and it’s still going strong today
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Gerudo bae (who I’m calling Atalanta bc let’s keep on going with the mythology.), Athena and Songbird have vastly different lives and stories with their Links. Some end up together some are only friends however the one thing that they all notice is that if their reader calls for them Link comes running and vice versa. Twi, Time and Wild found theirs and maybe one day the rest of the chain might but I just think it’s beautiful. (Also my word vomit is brought to you by me playing Botw and Links Awakening because I’m having a time out here) -🧚🏽♀️
who wanna be the link to my athena/songbird/atalanta fr??
what occasions do the links not come running to the girls, or vice versa? do they have to have that certain tone in their voice when they say their name? or just not use a nickname they use more often than their name? they hear their name being called and it's an immediate "im abt to get my ass beat" that makes anyone nearby look to them in curiosity or amusement?
dont even walk with me for these next few thoughts. let me think youre walking with me and then i turn around and youre 9 miles out
BUT IMAGINING TWI DOING LIKE,,, A MIGUEL O'HARA RUN UP TO SONGBIRD WHENEVER SHE CALLS HIM BECAUSE DOGBRAIN OR SMTH??
WILD DOES A FUCKING BOMB-PARAGLIDER TRICK BECAUSE HE HEARD ATALANTA SAY SMTH LIKE "damn. link wouldnt let this happen if he were here" AND SHES JUST ACROSS THE CONTINENT???
TIME JUST HAVING A BROTHER SENSE INSIDE OF HIM GOING "why did my heart just drop to my feet. wtf is athena doing rn" AND HIM RUSHING TO HER LAST KNOWN LOCATION????
#faeries in the garden#the palace answers#MY BRAIN LITERALLY BLANKED WHEN I SAID 'THE GIRLS' AND I COULDNT REMEMBER 'GERUDO' SO I HAD A MOMENT WHERE I JUST#''what if someone/the links called them their cocoa butter melanated nubian gerudo goddess etc etc''#LIKE I GENUINELY COULD /NOT/ REMEMBER THE WORDS????#dr umar moment fr#anyways#atalanta turns into a lion when? /j#thats the reason why she lived those 100 yrs#ive been fixated on wars as of late with specific thoughts ppl thinking hes the brains in his relationship (bc of the way his s/o dresses or#smth) but then behind closed doors his s/o is literally the one that actively keeps him alive#like wild with atalanta or flora; but hes not dumb of ass in public#i have many thoughts im sorry#Athena. Songbird. Atalanta. and Aphrodite
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youtube
Faces with a promise Faces that got left behind Faces that return from Sea to face the world again Faces at their value Faces come from yesterday And arrive tomorrow
#very Shino and Torune#actually applicable to the entire#aburame clan#as i see them#There's a reason they're so close and it's because any one of them could be gone forever at any moment#I've been thinking a lot about how the clan would handle returning members after the dissolution of Root#or if those members would come back at all#instead choosing to remain solitary#if things would continue as if they never left at all#and they pretend they didnt spend the past 10+ years pretending that person was dead#crying and holding them behind closed doors but never where anyone can see#whats the matter? aren't you in control of your emotions shinobi?#Youtube#headcanon zone
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#midnight thoughts before going to bed (feel free to ignore)#but today i realized two major things about myself and my mental illness#1. i was reminded that when you have an anxiety disorder your body has a hard time telling the difference between anxiety and excitement#and suddenly my whole life made sense lol#the amount of times i didn't do something that i really wanted to do because it caused me MAJOR anxiety#and it was probably excitement actually but my body went into full fight or flight mode#and 2. i realized that my masking is actually causing me physical pain#like this is of course of i am actually autistic. i still feel like i can't say i am cause i have no right you know?#but objectively i'm like 98% sure i have autism#ANYWAYS masking is usually just forcing eye contact or not stiming in public (as much)#but today i realized that when i hear loud noises or too many at the same time my instinct is to cover my ears#but i don't because that's ''weird'' or will make people ask questions that i don't really know how to answer#so i don't cover my ears i just sit through it in actual pain and hope for the best#and the worst part of this is that when i say ''masking in public'' i mean in my own damn home#because of my mom and the fact that she doesn't believe i have issues#i think it's my fault tho i shouldn't have mentioned my self diagnosis while we were watcing the good doctor (and later attorney woo)#because those two are her only reference for what autism is/looks like and i'm not like that#i mean for the most part... the good doctor was the reason i realize i might be autistic#and woo's struggle with revolving doors hit a bit too close to my heart lol#but anyways...#i need to deal with my out of control anxiety#and i'm pretty sure i am autistic...#those are the conclusions of this post lol#angel talks#personal
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also the feeling of winning a politically based argument with my dad is soooo fucking good
#talking about bitchass sunak and how he's proposed a £5-10 fee for if u wanna go to the doctors#and i am EXTREMELY against that shit#the nhs is free for a fucking reason. nobody should have to drop a single PENNY to be able to live#anyway i said that (without the swears) and he started to tell me why actually it would “reduce nhs strain!!” cuz apparently ppl just go to#the hospital to “get out of the cold”#and then i said but dad you see how that's entirely another problem. to solve that problem you fix the cold ???????#(ie. drop heating bills. like come ON it doesn't take a 200IQ to figure that out)#at this point he walks outta the room and closes the door. reopens the door upon me yelling that he was avoiding saying im right#then he comes back and tells me (very patronisingly) that coming out of the cold means just coming into hospital with unnecessary problems#to which i said well i have not heard of anyone doing that (we are indian and won't go to the doctor unless like. we are fucking dying)#and he says you'll be surprised... and i was like ok. i bet its just ppl who are lonely. which again !! another problem entirely !!#and i said well putting the fee in place won't actually stop that. ppl who are lonely will keep being lonely#and maybe we'll see an increase in elderly suicides. or more reports of houses that people just stop coming out of#or MAYBE we'll start hearing reports of ppl who die of entirely treatable diseases and illnesses cuz they couldn't afford to go#or were in the middle of choosing between food for their kids and heating one (1) room and decided fuck it this recurring stomach ache#might just be menopause or whatever the fuck. i goes to my dad people play down symptoms all the TIME#and it starts from youth !!! from school !! we are told if u have a headache or a stomach ache just come in ^_^ its better than missing !!#like wtf. what kind of shit system is that. it feels horrible to come to school when people are very clearly ill#you deserve to be resting not suffering through a whole day in pain & not able to breathe & honestly u don't learn shit on those days#didn't tell my dad that. but. he responds by saying there's ppl whove said that stuff like milk bread eggs should be free. and i said yea#and bathroom products. by which i mean toilet paper and pads and tampons#and he was clearly expecting me to disagree with this because he said um ok. well yeah ! exactly#mans changed his tone SO fast once he figured out he was not winning this. it felt so good#i love being a semi adult in this household where despite always being treated like one not actually having the opinions to feel like one#anyway thats my storytime. moral of the story is basic necessities should be free. full stop
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