#those cals wont come off even if i thr0w them up
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just now my bsf since childhood said that i dont have problems/insecurities compared to the rest of our friends and it made me laugh
like yep! no issues! just the bulimia since we were 14, the disordered eating habits since way before then, body dysmorphia, constant emotional dysregulation and ofc! who could forget about the violent inferiority complex simultaneous with the belief that im a violent monster that shouldve ended things when we were 14.
no issues at all 🩵
#and who could forget about the undiagnosed adhd#constant alienation#persistent loneliness and isolation while destroying all means of having relationships with people#but it isnt even my fault cause im not even a person anyway. how in the skies could i feel the way normal people feel. im different#the same laws obviously dont apply to me /sarc#sometimes i think im not even a human being because people sure as hell dont treat me like one#i hide it cause i dont want anyone in my business#but it gets so lonely and ive tried reaching out but#god#im so scared about even little things but i cant show it cause i dont know why#i really shouldve ended it all before getting this far#i dont talk to anyone ever im so lonely ive cried so much last year and this#bu1imia#bul1mic#bulim14#those cals wont come off even if i thr0w them up#vent#i do this to myself
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my childhood trauma didnt make me stronger it gave me a villain complex and an e@ting disorder
#no mother telling me im a terrible person for being full wasnt for my own good#forcing me to scarf it all down even though i was already overweight insecure and ugly wasnt for my own good#and no mother telling me i was a bad person wasnt going to make me want to be a good one it actually just destroyed my relationships with#everyone i know#and with food too#my childhood was good actually im just neurodivergent and undiagnosed#and have no friends aside from people who criticise and tear me down like their lives depend on it#yes now i have the choice to not eat alot but no#ill eat three meals a day with no self control and then throw it all up in secret#its for my own good#if i cant find whats destroying me then ill just become it#bul1mic#bulim14#bu1imia#those cals wont come off even if i thr0w them up
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i did so well …. yet my weight back up by a pound.
i did everything i could to shed that pound/start losing weight again these past few days (itd been on a standstill for days due to bloating) .
and when it finally starts moving again, it goes back up just as easily. i hate this. i just want to be weightless .
#i hv a sleepover on sunday and i wanna get to atlst 110lbs before then#can someone pls suggest some extreme workout routines plsplsplspls#like its a sleepover i cant pvrge or deny any food cuz thats rude and i cant lie and say i alr ate or am not hungry#this is my damage controlling#disordered eating thoughts#tw ana diary#ed not ed sheeran#tw disordered eating#ana trigger#ed not sheeren#skinnni#bu1imia#bul1mic#bulim14#i just wanna be thin#i wanna be sk1nn1#anami4#those cals wont come off even if i thr0w them up#its so stressful
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why the fuck is it that when im not trying at all, i lose weight SO easily. but when im trying??? fuck that is guess
#i need to do something about this before i actually combust#bu1imia#those cals wont come off even if i thr0w them up#bul1mic#tw ed ana#ed not ed sheeran
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i can never, ever be happy.
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felt cute all day, looked at pics and then my weight and immediately wanted to kill myself
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people calling me short is always so triggering cause id be called short next to some other girl whos the same height but skinnier so she looks taller. theyre just calling me fat, no deliberately but they are.
#i know#i know i know#im so fat and ugly and unkempt and dirty#i do this to myself#bu1imia#those cals wont come off even if i thr0w them up
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yk ik it was just heartburn or acid reflux but my bulimic ass experiencing chest pains esp squeezing at the heart had me actually fearing for my life icl
#like darn. maybe id purged too hard and all the cardiovascular strain from years of purging was finally coming to a head#i had to do an ecg and everything#but yea no it was just ‘anxiety’#it rly wasnt cuz yk i wasnt anxious 💀#i was freaking out BECAUSE of the chest pain/i couldnt breathe#but nooo its clearly anxiety and that im gonna kms or something#mf i was suffocating for hours#fym anxiety#oh but it did trigger an anxiety attack but thats cause i was studying cardiovascular diseases while having heart painsHAHAHA#i do this to myself#bu1imia#welp since it was nothing i should continue purging like usual fr#those cals wont come off even if i thr0w them up
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even if i got thin, id still be ugly. but people would like me better, i know this. its why i tear myself apart, day after day, as if id find salvation beneath the chunks of fat that cling to me so stubbornly
#tearing myself apart til someone finds it in themself to piece me back together#god i dont have the will to keep at it by myself#bu1imia#bulim14#those cals wont come off even if i thr0w them up
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i fucking binged today and im sick so no fasting ! screw this my bp normalised brain so fucking stupid
#disordered eating thoughts#im so used to bp that i forgot i was doing mainly fasting#its NOT okay#those cals wont come off even if i thr0w them up#im so DUmb#tw ana diary
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