#those are so important to my health and well-being. But I also love complaining and I fucking cannot STAND the SFX choice for cursed energy

[trans-leek-cookie]

Let it be known that i FUCKING HATE GREEN HAIRED ZENINS. EUGH

[explorevenus]

doll parts ♡ leon kennedy x f!reader

nsfw (18+) - minors dni or i will call ur mom. and also the cops

word count: 3.6k

description: leon may not take the best care of himself, but he certainly takes care of you. it's his favorite pastime.

tags/warnings: vendetta leon, established relationship, unhealthy relationship dynamics, dollification, daddy kink, oral sex (f receiving), mirror sex

a/n: this piece was commissioned by my lovely bestie @dollfacefantasy, who knows me so well in that she knew i was foaming at the mouth for an excuse to write dollification w leon >:3 AND it's based off of that one scene in euphoria where nate dresses cassie up LIKE GET OUTTA TOWNNNNN I WAS SO JUICED TO WRITE THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!

my masterlist ♡

my ao3 ♡

fic under the cut, thanks so much for reading and i hope u enjoy ;w;

-venus ♡

You were mad. You were so mad, all the time lately, and you were past the point of wondering if you had any right to be. 

It was late, nearly half past midnight, the only sound in the dim house being the unrelenting patter of fat raindrops on the windows. Leon, too, was late, like he so often was. Of course, you weren’t allowed to complain or ask questions about his high paying job, or his whereabouts, or the secrecy, where all those injuries came from or why he didn’t return when he said he would for the hundredth time.

All your life, you thought relationships like this existed only in fiction, the trope of the distant workaholic who dismisses his partner’s concerns with nothing but his wallet and his sexual prowess, piling diamond encrusted bandages upon months worth of neglect, bottled up grievances and novels left unsaid. It was a concept confined to old movies and paperbound romances as far as you were concerned, before you met Leon.

You weren’t unreasonable, and you weren’t dumb. You had gathered that his mysterious government job really was important and strictly confidential, and you trusted that he was telling you as much of the truth as was permitted by the powers that be. You knew he cared about you, you knew he would rather be home with you than running around at the beck and call of the most powerful people in the country. You knew it was never his intention to hurt you.

But your awareness of his love for you didn’t make it any easier to swallow the unending cycle of broken promises, nor the visible deterioration of his mental and physical health while his ‘work trips’ became increasingly frequent until they all started to just blend together. 

You became numb to it after a while. It seemed selfish to demand his time and attention when he couldn’t help his circumstances. Even bringing it up made you feel like a monster, and it was all because you loved him so completely.

And you loved him so completely. You had seen him cry with laughter and sob with grief. You had seen him burn toast, fall asleep with the TV on, forget how to tie a tie, dread a mundane phone call, mumble to himself when he thought no one was listening. You knew his philosophies on life and love and death, you knew him heart and soul, and so too did he know you.

Thus, you just ate it, wore yourself down until you finally accepted that all those bottled up grievances, novels left unsaid and extravagant bribes were worth the privilege of being his lover.

Your eyes felt dry as you stared at the clock, counting in your tired mind exactly how many hours had passed since he was supposed to be home. It had been a long, rough day that would have been draining enough on its own, but the evening proved to disappoint even further. 

Leon heard about the karmic disaster that was your day through a handful of rant texts you’d sent over the course of it, each one more unfortunate than the last. Sympathetic to your senseless string of rotten luck, he promised to cut away from work an hour early to return home to you with your favorite dinner and enough doting on to make your teeth rot. He did not, of course, come home early, and not only that, but he didn’t come home at all, and you couldn’t get ahold of him.

If this wasn’t such a frequent occurrence, you might have been more worried about his safety, or even more angry at him for leaving you hanging on a day like this one, but you had become so familiar with this whole song and dance that your feelings around it were dulled.

You were just about to give up and go to bed when your phone lit up with a notification. Following the several undelivered texts you tried to send asking if he was okay, he’d given a simple response that you knew would redirect the course of your whole entire night.

Headed home in 15. Be in the dollhouse

You had long since garnered that the dollhouse was more for him than it was for you, even if he seemed to believe it was the other way around. It was nice to be pampered and doted on and styled like a Barbie, until it became a way for him to avoid talking to you about anything important. But that was neither here nor there. Dolls don’t talk, and they most certainly don’t complain.

With a deep, measured breath you exited the bedroom and turned down the hall, to what used to be a spare room but was now more aptly describable as a boudoir. The door creaked open to reveal the delicate, feminine space, heavy satin drapes blocking out any potential prying eyes. Between two solid oak wardrobes was an ornate standing mirror, the walk-in closet to the right overflowing with opulent clothing that hardly ever saw the light of day, just the familiar warmth of Leon’s cerulean eyes. 

At the other end of the room was an antique, three-mirror vanity, stocked carefully with luxury makeup, designer perfumes and every last tool one might need to style your hair, down to a box of satin ribbons in every color with which to tie it back. Leon was never one to do things half-way, and dolling you up was no exception.

Piece by piece, you stripped yourself of your clothes, hands moving as slowly and purposefully as his own would, as if by instinct. Just like a doll would be, you undressed to nothing but a pair of delicate lace panties, and you took your place at the vanity, your posture straight and your hands folded neatly in your lap.

All there was left to do now was wait for Leon, to stare at yourself blankly in the mirror and ruminate, to let your thoughts scream and echo around in your head until it would all collapse into silence, putting you in the proper headspace of an empty-headed little Barbie for Leon to play with.

You didn’t so much as flinch at the sound of the garage door opening, or move a muscle at all at the muffled thudding of his footsteps ascending the stairs. Your lips parted with a slow, deep breath, your posture straightening up one final time before the knob turned, and you watched the door open behind you through the reflection in the mirror.

He looked tired. To be candid, he looked like shit. It was evident he had left immediately from whatever dangerous, world-saving thing he was doing to rush home to you, not taking the time to change or freshen up.

Leon approached you gently, reaching over your shoulder to let his rough fingers cup your neck and throat, tilting your head up just enough to make you look at yourself, and to adjust your posture.

“Such a precious little doll, sitting so pretty for daddy,” He whispered, stooping down to plant a kiss at the crown of your head. His hands smelled like iron and gunpowder, and his breath smelled faintly of malted liquor poorly masked with mint. If only you could have confronted him about it. You just swallowed, staring straight ahead where he was directing your gaze.

Reaching over your shoulder, Leon’s steady hand plucked a detangling brush from the vanity, running his fingers through your hair carefully with his other hand. He felt through the length of your soft locks, mindful as always not to tug at any of the little knots he discovered here and there. Shortly after, he was running the brush through your hair with gentle veneration, delicate, even strokes that nearly threatened to put you to sleep.

Leon watched your expression in the mirror as your lashes fluttered, your head lolling back as if mindlessly chasing the attention. A low chuckle fell from his parted lips. “Feels good, huh? I’ll bet it does. Your hair is so messy, baby… You weren’t playing by yourself all day while daddy was gone, were you?”

He was teasing you. A subtle grin begged to tug at your lips, and you let it. Still, you were sure to shake your head ‘no’-- after all, you couldn’t have him thinking you had taken advantage of his extended absence to be naughty, even if you had been awfully tempted to. 

Carding his fingers through your freshly brushed hair, he hummed in mock consideration for a moment, like he couldn’t decide whether or not he believed you. Finally, he turned you around in your chair to face him, tilting your chin up so he could give you a kiss. “I know my baby would never. Always the perfect princess for me, even when I’m not always the perfect daddy.”

That last part came out a little quieter, like he was ashamed to even say it out loud, but somehow still, it was the loudest part to you. You softened.

He noticed, and he, too, softened. The tension in the air dissipated a bit– it was still somewhere around here, likely waiting right outside the door, but it was no longer actively present, at least. Leon gave you another sweet kiss, this one to your forehead, before gently correcting your posture again.

Pushing your hair back with a soft, fluffy headband, he opened up one of the drawers in the vanity and began to take a few things out. First, a light moisturizer, which he massaged into your skin with a jade roller that was cool to the touch and just as relaxing as always. Your moisturizer was followed by a gentle under-eye balm, a thin layer of primer and a hydrating lip oil.

The way he moved was so fluid, so methodical, like a conductor before an orchestra, and you were his masterpiece. In Leon’s eyes, you might as well have been carved out of the finest, most expensive marble, and you were to be treated no less delicately.

He stepped out just for a moment to wash his hands, a clean slate for the next step of the process, your makeup.

You honestly don’t know how he did it. Judging by some of the techniques and products he would use, you could only guess he must have been doing his research online or something, though where he found the time to do so was another question entirely. His lines weren’t always clean, his blending wasn’t always perfectly smooth, yet somehow you always still felt he’d managed to upstage you with the finished product– perhaps it was because he could see you in a way you couldn’t see yourself.

“Daddy?” You chanced a whisper, but he was quick to press a finger to the plush of your lips, ever so gently.

“Shh… Just sit nice and still for me, alright, sugar?”

You nodded, and he resumed his work with a careful touch.

Soft brushes and plush sponges worked their way around the surface of your face, applying shadow and powders and liner, with Leon holding his breath now and then to ensure a steady hand. Your cheeks were rouged, your lips were glossed, your lashes were carefully curled and it was all topped off with a cooling mist of setting spray and a gentle kiss to the forehead.

“There you are, hm? My beautiful baby dolly,” He mused, reaching forward to tilt your head up by your chin, then to the left, then to the right, checking over his handiwork from every angle. Adding a dash of blush to the tip of your nose, he deemed your makeup complete. “Just perfect.”

Slowly, Leon turned your chair around again, allowing you to look at yourself, and yeah. Wow.

You looked gorgeous, you were glowing even. All of your best features were adorned with purposeful swipes of blush, shade and highlight, your eyes dreamy and sweet, your skin smooth and radiant. He let you look at yourself for a moment, just admiring the expression of awe on you– you were always exceptionally stunning, of course, but you looked all the sweeter in these sacred moments in which you recognized your own beauty.

Leon rested one hand on your shoulder to recapture your attention, his other hand coming forward to stroke your cheek. Your long lashes fluttered as you met his eyes in the mirror, a silent signal that your focus had returned to him. Now the hand that caressed your cheekbone was coming forward to take your own. He helped you up from your seat at the vanity and across the room, to the plush chaise lounge in front of that standing mirror.

The room filled with the quiet noises of rummaging, Leon sifting through drawers and racks of hangers stuffed with what had to have been thousands of dollars worth of designer, a stark contrast to his own attire of largely plain black shirts and jeans that had seen better days.

But you were his princess. Leon was just Leon, and Leon couldn’t possibly deserve as much as a princess.

Turning over his shoulder, Leon approached you with a simple pair of white stockings in hand, sinking to his knees right before the chaise lounge to put them on you. Your ankle looked so slight and delicate in his strong hand as he lifted your leg, drawing a line of kisses up the inside of your calf to follow while he rolled the stocking up higher and higher, until the hem reached just above your knee.

He repeated the action with your other leg, the movement of his hands fluid and practiced, but his breaths were becoming shorter, his kisses a little wetter and needier on your skin. Your own breaths were quickly falling in sync with his own just by watching him dial in on your sex, his calloused hands propping your legs up onto his shoulders so he could shuffle closer.

Gripping you by the hips to angle you up to his liking, he buried his nose into the seat of your thin lace panties and breathed you in deep, as though he were starving for oxygen. The tip of his nose nuzzled forward to brush your panties aside, and just as soon as your slit was bared to him, his tongue was darting out to taste it.

He spread it flat in a slow, languid stripe from your weeping hole all the way to your throbbing clit, his lips closing around the little bundle of nerves to coax it from beneath its hood. You sucked in a breath, your manicured nails printing into the lush material of the furniture you were perched on, trying as hard as you could to keep quiet and still, to allow him to guide you, to play with you as he so desired. Luckily, he wasn’t in too stern of a mood this evening anyway– you weren’t likely to be reprimanded for small errors like that, especially not while he was otherwise occupied.

���Fuck,” He growled lowly into your cunt, leaving white prints where he gripped your pillowy thighs just to ground himself. You could feel his body growing warm as he lost himself in you, lapping up every drop of your arousal with greed. For just a moment, his dilated, denim eyes flicked up to look at you, his rosy cheeks gently squished between your quaking thighs as he puffed out, “Just look at you, my dolly… Daddy’s favorite little toy…”

Your eyes screwed shut with pleasure as his hot mouth met your center again, and when they fluttered open, you caught sight of it all in the mirror. It nearly knocked the wind out of you.

Your dainty legs spread out over your gruff boyfriend’s broad shoulders, adorned in delicate white stockings that looked pure and bright against his tight black t-shirt; his sandy blonde hair damp and messy as he wedged himself between your thighs and drank from you like a fountain; your hair and makeup fit for a gala as your expression contorted with rapture… it could have been an oil painting.

Every swipe of his tongue up the length of you, every flutter along your swollen bud, every deep, wanton, needy groan had your eyes rolling back in your head, your thighs trembling and tightening around his jaw. Every inch of you felt featherlight with electricity as he worked his magic on you, more than capable of making you cum in three minutes flat, but opting not to for the fun of it.

Not that you were complaining. At times he could get carried away in his teasing, but tonight was not one of those nights. Leon wasn’t going to waste your time dangling you over the edge much longer than was strictly necessary. As soon as he noticed you were having trouble sitting still, quiet whines and sighs of pleasure occasionally slipping out from between your glossy lips, he knew it would be unfair to string you along any further.

Leon was practically making out with your folds, the room quiet aside from the slick sounds and lustful whimpers that accompanied his dining of you. Soon it was joined with the low, husky timbre of his voice as he groaned into you, “Gonna cum for me, baby? Gonna make a pretty mess all over daddy’s face?”

In all honesty, you barely registered his words, but all it ever took to get you nodding like a bobblehead was that upward lilt in his tone that indicated he was asking you something. That was all you needed to know that the correct answer was yes.

Smirking briefly to himself as he witnessed your eager and rapt approval, he doubled the intensity of his efforts, his hands wrenching tight into your thighs to pull you flush against his face, but more importantly, to keep you from wriggling away. He didn’t bother to shush you when a shocked yelp bubbled out of you, your body jerking in response to the added stimulation. After all, it was the response he was expecting, and the response he yearned for.

Your shaking hands darted forward to claw at his hair, half-lidded eyes catching your reflection in the mirror once more. Your skin was warm, your breasts heaving as your spine drew into a fine arch and your lips parted to gasp in all the oxygen you could get to your dizzy brain, heels digging into the prominent muscles in his back. He felt every quiver and twitch of your muscles and it only spurred him on. He ate you up like you were his last meal.

Your vision went white as your climax crashed over you hard– the sounds he made were obscene, a satisfied groan vibrating from deep in his chest at the syrupy sweet taste of your arousal. It was an essence he couldn’t possibly get enough of.

As you laid there panting, your legs shaking after the tension in them released, Leon’s eyes dragged up the length of your body with pride. He carefully pulled your panties back into place with a sweet kiss to the bow in the center of them and an affectionate pat to the thigh. 

“There’s a good girl,” He hummed, crawling up from between your legs to kiss you, his mouth still warm and slightly slick with your own spend. “A perfect little doll. All I have to do is pull the right strings to get you to sing for me, huh, princess?”

Once more, you nodded, eyes fluttering shut just for a moment as he kissed your forehead. Then, he stood to his full height again, one hand taking yours and the other steadying you by the dip of your waist as he raised you up to join him, wobbly knees be damned. After all, he wasn’t finished playing dress-up yet. He took a moment to ensure you had regained your balance enough to be able to stand without assistance before opening up one of the wardrobes in search of the remainder of your outfit.

Moments like these only piqued your curiosity in terms of how his brain worked. Sure, you’d been dating for a long time and it was safe to say you knew him quite well, but his penchant for compartmentalization never ceased to astound you. He possessed the sometimes frightening ability to just switch his brain from one mode to the next.

You were brought back to reality once more by the feeling of his lips on your neck. He murmured into your ear, “Arms up, darlin’,” and he barely even finished saying it before you were complying.

You lifted your arms, and he slipped a new dress over your head. There it was, the compensation for being home late, for dropping off the face of the Earth again. The dress was flattering and soft, a delicate blush pink color with embroidered details along the bust and white lace hemming. He drew up the zipper without resistance, and as it reached its apex, the fabric hugged your form perfectly, as though the garment itself was made with you in mind.

Leon kneeled down to straighten out your stockings, and then the skirt of your dress, his eyes scanning over you meticulously in search of any little imperfections that might need fixing. Finding none, he wandered over to where he’d left his jacket, fishing a baby blue box out of the pocket. You had become quite familiar with that blue lately– Tiffany.

Nestled in the slender box was a dainty diamond necklace that now rested right at your collarbones, the clasp in the back secured with a smooch. He carded his fingers through your hair one last time before turning you around to look at yourself in the mirror, his hands rested on your hips, head stooped low to smother the crook of your throat in kisses.

“What do you think?” He whispered in your ear, nibbling gently at the shell.

“Beautiful,” You replied just as quietly, “Thank you, daddy.”

[dia-souls]

DIABOLIK LOVERS DAYLIGHT Analyzes [ Vol. 3 Sakamaki Reiji ]

Original title: 遅い朝に

Source: Diabolik Lovers Daylight Vol. 3 Sakamaki Reiji

Seiyuu: Katsuyuki Konishi

Analyze by: Admin Afra

Admin's note: My God. This CD really moved me to tears. I can boldly say that Reiji has one of the most reasonable behavior in managing such a crisis. Among all the CDs I listened to, he was one of the few boys who was willing to find a solution to cure Yui without losing his cool or thinking about killing himself. This man is truly a gentleman.

What a beautiful flashback to describe Reiji's love. Sometimes I think about the words of these vampires who are so kind and I ask myself if this is really the same boy? Is this the same boy who tortured and humiliated Yui to the point of death at the beginning of their relationship? And now he wants to go to the death to save the same girl?

It's really hard to believe that these boys have changed so much, but I think it's really beautiful that they all got the concept of love. This also applies to Reiji. Reiji's own description of how he was changed by Yui is beautiful to me. Reiji believes that Yui has taught him humanity, something that was hard for Reiji to accept, but Reiji himself realizes over time that Yui is a treasure that he gained from this. Just like chinaware is a treasure for Reiji, Yui is another treasure for him that he wants to take care of with all his heart.

But what is important is that Reiji will never let go of the treasure he cares about, so he chooses to never let go of Yui's hand and stay by her side forever. Reiji's words are said while he decides to abandon the investigation and enjoy his last minutes with Yui. It can be understood from his words, does it mean forever that he will follow Yui even after death?

When Feshbak ends, I see a normal daily life of Yui and her partner again. This time Reiji tries to wake up Yui and complains about Yui being lazy and sleeping too much.

I don't know how others see their relationship but I always find it so cute how Rosji tries to teach Yui like a father and teach her good manners. Yui's playfulness and clumsiness is always endearing to me and I'm sure Reiji enjoys it too.

What really caught my attention was that Reiji noticed something strange about Yui's health condition just by looking at Yui's walk. Everyone knows someone else who was so quick to notice the abnormality in his behavior and health. Honestly, the rest of the boys needed at least two tracks to realize this. This shows that when it comes to Yui's health, Reiji is smarter than the others and realizes it sooner.

As usual, spending a beautiful day drinking tea with Reiji. This is very enjoyable.

Also, Reiji, who certainly cares more about his father's royal parties than anyone else and likes to train Yui for it, is very gentlemanly. I honestly feel that Reiji is really like a kind father to Yui. We can even say that Reiji has acted more like a father to Yui than Seiji.

The dance ceremony looked very interesting and Reiji's jealousy was very cute. The fact that he took Yui out because he didn't want other men to look at her simply shows how easily he can get jealous. Also, I have no doubts about Reiji's unique taste in clothing. I'm sure he made Yui so beautiful that he made all the men attracted to her.

Walking with Yui makes Reiji more aware of Yui's poor health. Of course, I'm pretty sure Reiji already knew about it, he just didn't want to worry Yui about it, or felt like it wasn't too important to worry about.

But when he carried her in his arms, he had undoubtedly noticed her low weight. And as he himself said, the irregular rhythm of her heart as well as the different smell of her blood had convinced him of this and started his research to find a solution to cure Yui.

As expected, Reiji is one of those boys who tries to act rationally in such situations and instead of thinking about suicide because he loses his love, he decides to look for a solution. What most boys did not do. Well, to be honest, I really like this feature of Reiji and I think he did better and more reasonable than all his brothers in this case.

The interaction between him and Yui in track 3 can be interpreted as a symbolic relationship of Reiji's love for Yui, who is precious to him like a treasure. When Yui accidentally breaks Reiji's china cup, Reiji likens it to something interesting. That something that is not eternal will disappear one day. Reiji may have once thought that because vampires were immortal, death was like a celebration for them, but he soon realized that it was different when it came to something you hold dear. You simply do not like to lose someone dear to you.

In this track, I would like to mention more details. For example, Reiji used to punish Yui with a whip for breaking his china cups, but in this departure, when he found out, he was more worried about Yui getting hurt than anything else. It's very interesting how one of Reiji's main obsessions has been changed by Yui and I find it very very valuable.

Maybe that was the reason for Yui's insistence on fixing it. I can boldly say that Yui never has high expectations from her partner. She never looks for expensive gifts and clothes. The only thing Yui wants from her partner is pure and simple love. When Yui does something bad, she feels guilty because she was hurt by that boy before and thinks she deserves to be punished. This can refer to their past relationship. Before, Reiji or even all the boys would punish Yui for the smallest mistake. It can be said that over time, Yui has made herself believe that she is nothing but a moving blood bag and that the only value is her blood, so when she does something bad, she deserves to be punished. And maybe the reason is Yui, who keeps trying to offer her blood to the boys because she believes that her value can only be summed up in her blood.

But what Yui doesn't realize is that the boys have changed over time because of Yui's golden heart and humanity. They have learned humanity from Yui and this is something that Reiji himself has admitted to.

Reiji can't imagine life without Yui just like all the boys. Although he wants Yui's blood, Reiji tries to control himself so as not to cause harm, and it can be said that this action seems completely fair and natural from someone like Reiji.

Reiji's thinking is all about Yui's bad health and the fact that he can't find a solution for it makes him conclude that he is the cause of it because he always sucked her blood.

When Reiji went from imagining a room without Yui and a house without Yui to a world without Yui, I realized something. Reiji thinks that Yui's existence is necessary not only for himself but also for the world. In his opinion, the world needs someone like Yui, that's why he doesn't want to let Yui disappear from this world.

Reiji's efforts to find a solution are futile and therefore he considers himself useless. When he realized that Yui knew about this, he accepted Yui's request to be together. But I doubt that Reiji, by accepting this request, was content to give up and stop trying. I mean, we're talking about Reiji. A person who never gives up to achieve his goal.

But he agrees to spend the remaining time with Yui to make Yui happy. I feel that Reiji feels remorse for the sins he committed against Yui in the past and wants to make it up to Yui in some way.

I realized this because Reiji tested the drugs he made on his own body. This was what he used to do with Yui in the past. He was experimenting on her body and forcing her to take her medicine. It can be said that Reiji now realizes how much he hurt Yui and somehow experiencing this karma made him blame himself for Yui's current state.

Reiji wants to give Yui her last wish. But I guess her last wish as a human being, not the last wish of her life. Because at the end of the track, Reiji said, "I will give you a kiss with the promise of eternal love." Well, here we can have different interpretations of this sentence. But my impression is that Reiji plans to turn Yui into a vampire to make this love eternal. As he said in the previous episodes, he cannot imagine a world without Yui and he will be by her side forever.

Forever can mean even after death but I know Reiji as someone who will never give up on what he wants and even if he has to turn her into a vampire to keep Yui he will do it.

In the end, Yui's life for Reiji was like the same flower that he intended to pick. Yui was a beautiful and fragrant flower that always shine next to him and tempted him to pick her, and with this, Reiji shortened her life and he can no longer be by her side forever. He can resurrect this flower as an immortal being, but this flower will forever have a different color and smell just like Yui.

[peachjagiya]

Dear Peach, did you see the Restaurant manager’s clarification on his post of noir_kia’s fan art?

“whw_hk__1.31 13h :

Silently, there are some weird posts, so l'll be precise. I love all of BTS and they're saying ridiculous things about guys dating, so please stop saying weird things on my social media. We love everyone and they are really kind and precious people. They are having a hard time in the military right now and we pray for their health and always cheer them on from afar and only those who wish them well should leave comments. If you're going to say weird things, do it somewhere else.”

I was not expecting him to say: YES, these 2 are a couple, but his stance is pretty strong. Can’t it be that we just overthink Taekook for more than just great close friends (just for now?)

I recently read an interview about a similar situation with Louis Tomlinson & Harry Styles and seems so familiar with what we do with Tae and JK…

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/louis-tomlinson-harry-styles-larry-conspiracy-1235001225/

Louis even sort of said all these rumors damaged his relationship with Harry. What do you think?

I'll be honest... I can't quite read the tone of his reply. I'm unsure which comments he's taking offence to.

At first, I thought he was saying guys dating was ridiculous and weird and was ready to be annoyed but I actually think it looks like some people overstepped the mark and that could be what he's calling ridiculous and weird.

He does also say "only those who wish them well" should leave comments so maybe what he's actually complaining about is people being aggressive in the comments.

It was, after all, him liking comments about them being married. Maybe he was just liking them because they were positive comments without really reading them. But I do think if he's taking umbrage at Taekook comments specifically - he doesn't specify - he maybe... should read what he's liking?! It could be unwittingly but he has contributed here. Like he posted that, nobody else did?

Maybe he just thought they looked like bestie best friends and didn't bother to click and see what else Kia posts.

I had a little bit of an initial "UHM WHAT?" response yesterday but then I chilled and thought "hang on, why would have insider information about them in any way?"

He is literally just a guy in a restaurant, it's hardly like they're coming in going "So we'll take six tables, free ice cream for armys and by the way, we're GAYYYYY. TOGETHER."

As for the Larry stuff, I was thinking about this earlier. I don't think a lot of people realise how little would change for me if it was revealed they weren't a couple. 75% of the time I'm arguing that it's not impossible that they are; that Tae is important to JK; that Jennie looked a lot like media play; that they're super close because Jimkookers seem incapable of accepting that. I'd still be here defending Tae against accusations of being an annoyance to JK who just shows up places where he is for clout. I'd still be arguing over Jungkook's unfair characterisation. I'd still think ITS was a truth-bending moment.

I'd still be arguing with y'alls over the same stuff.

I'd still find their faces at Dreamiere beautiful, I'd still find Hawaii wonderful. None of this changes in that eventuality and I always keep the possibility at the back of my mind.

So while yes, I do happen to believe it and would have a few confusions about why certain things happened, my life won't change much! So I don't feel particularly like I am overthinking. I'm not overstepping by going into lives or weverse or instagram posts to scream about Taekook to people who don't wanna hear it. I'm not even on twitter where I know they read! It's a clearly labelled Taekook blog and if you're here and reading this, it was because you chose to.

But I think it's REALLY important that you make your own mind up about how comfortable you feel in this space if this Larry article has bothered you. I can't be your compass on this.

💜

[halt-kun]

My Hero Academia Chapter 430 - My Hero Academia

THE FINAL CHAPTER IS OUT

I LOVE THEMMMMMMMM SO MUCH

ARGH the unavoidable timeskip chapter

I swear to god if some people are together and we didn't see any confession I'll BE MAD

Izuku is now a teacher at UA narrating everything that happened before in his memoir

KODA's HERE TOOO

AND some cool looking lady (or boy I don't know)

So in the next two years, Izuku loses the embers definitely

MOMA IS HERE

Are Gran Torino and Recovery Girl together now ?

Bakugou is sooooo tired at this exam (Izuku is no better)

another sports festival with Todoroki leading

MA GIRL MIRKOOOOOO, still kicking (bad guys). She's a funny arm now

Shoji being important for heteromorphs it seems

Koda and Eri being friends (we all know people even if they're together in primary school, they'll definitely split up before the end of middle school but stay friends)

Hawks is still Tokoyami's dad, or maybe older sibling

Endeavor looking good all bandaged up

Aizawa and Mic praying for their lost boyfriend together

WHO'S THAT GIRL

Iida is without the suprise, the third year doing a speech

Bakugou fucks it up with Monoma (it seems like he recovered well)

I just thought of the rarepair Monoma/Bakugou, that would be a nightmare for everyone in both class 1-A and 1-B. Competitive boyfriends who never tone it down

So Deku is 24, fresh out of university and already a teacher, nice

Those don't look like middle school kids

The furry wants to do programming, what a suprise. Gentle and Lovelover will love you (they're furries too)

MEI IS WORKING SOOOOOO GOOD

I ship introvert/extrovert so much, goooo

Seems like this might lead to some other dark age where only the few heroes are idealized and people do nothing else than complain

or is it just implying Hawks dream came true and they don't need more professional heroes ? (probably that)

Of course everybody wants to be Katsuki, Todo or Deku but you're lacking TRAUMA

Shoji is soooooo cool

fixing racism

just that

Koda and the class B dude are hyped

Wow, this must be the seriously effecient team of their generation

Uraraka fixed quirk mental health cool

ERIIIIII OOOOOooooh maybe she was the long haired girl from a few pages ago

Bakugou will never change, that's why we love him

(well he actually did change but fuck it you get it)

TOGATA FIRST HERO

WHAT ABOUT TAMAKI ???????? ARE THEY TEAMED UP ? PARTNERS ?

Midoriya and Aizawa are such nice friends, Izuku does feel a bit left out and sad to be quirkless

I'm not sure he will ever get past that

I wonder what they mean : "popular with men" (we all know, shhhhh....)

Oh no that poor baby is going to fall ????

Who will get him up ????

Oh wow you caught him ????? He seemed so far

well the other child fell for some reason, how did he ?

Oh no that's the teenager from before

talking to the All Might statue everyday

I wonder what his weak quirk is

No more OFA Deku, you'll have to break his dreams

All Might could magically not break yours earlier in the series (like 340 chapters ago)

Thank god you're a quirk nerd

(says the guy that would also be a huge one)

YAY

Thanks Deku

soooo cute

Quite bold to call him a kid while being 24 Midoriya

THE END

HE'S HERE AGAIN

Bakugou made up a project with everyone so that Deku could become Ironman ????? Cool

I'm touched

so cute

Deku is about to cry (one last time)

YEP HE CRYING

and I wouldn't know how to say it better All Might

BAKUGOU TEAMING UP WITH DEKU

CO-N°1

TITLE DROPPPPP

I'm CRYIIIIIIIIING

oh no i felt fine before but this is too much at once

They are all looking so coooool

Ojiro, Mina, Tokoyami and Yaomomo especially so

WAIT BAKUGOU, ARE THOSE DREADS ?????? No it looks more like Atebas (I know it's for the dynamite reference but still)

Jiro still has one ear

Cute

I forgot it was the anniversary

Well I don't know how to conclude, this feels so weird

it was such a ride

the anime is still coming out so it doesn't feel like the end yet

I'm excited for what's coming next from Horikoshi

(PLEASE NO SPINN OFF OR SEQUEL OR ANYTHING)

A NEW WORLD

NEW CONCEPTS

HAVE FUN

THE END

[unabashednightmarepizza]

𝑀𝑜𝑜𝑛 𝐵𝑜𝑦𝑠 𝐻𝑎𝑣𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝐴𝑛 𝐼𝑛𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑛𝑖𝑎𝑐 𝑆/𝑂

A/N: I feel like this sucks but sorry for the long wait dear! I hope you will like it!

Requested by: @cherry-season

ೃ⁀➷ They wouldn't really care that you had troubles sleeping but still force you to sleep, even if Jake had to be the one to knock you off since Steven was a sweetheart and Marc didn't want to hurt you.

ೃ⁀➷ Hypocrisies, if I need to say ���

ೃ⁀➷ It wasn’t that you didn't want to sleep with them, cuddled up with their warmth all over your body but...

ೃ⁀➷ Maybe it was your body that wasn't tired, or the never-ending thoughts that didn't let you close your eyes peacefully

ೃ⁀➷ We all know that if it's the first one... There is always a solution they are happy to give 🤭

ೃ⁀➷ But if it was the second, I believe Steven would be the one to talk with you the most.

ೃ⁀➷ He was generally the one that had social skills, and he was a sweetheart, always ready to listen and help.

This is no saying that Jake and Marc wouldn't try to help you, they would... They would tear apart the whole world for you but those two men knew nothing about comforting or having experience in that field.

"Is there no medicine for her? It's hurting her, I can see her eyes begging to sleep!"

"Marc, as much as your worry is appreciated, yelling is only making her headache worse-"

"Just give me the name of that doctor, Hermosa and I will deal wit it"

It was cute, both in your eyes and Steven's, but everyone who knew you and boys also knew that "deal" with Jake would never be that peaceful.

"nO!! You're not! I'm taking care of them!

ೃ⁀➷ Being coddled up with their love already made you smile and the curls that fell down Steven's very tired eyes made a pang in your heart, feeling bad that he had to take care of you when he has troubles as well.

ೃ⁀➷ But he was quick to reassure you that he was happy to do so, happy that you trusted with something important such as your health, and he wanted to spend time with you...

ೃ⁀➷ Aghhh this man, right here- 🥰

ೃ⁀➷ And since he seemed genuine, unlike other people who only complained about your sleep schedule, you were happy to give in and hugged him while his hands stayed where your hips started and slowly rubbed your back. "Then, my knight in shining armor... What do you suggest we do?"

"Hmm, I heard that tiring the body could help..."

"Is that so~?" Poor Steven didn't realize how suggestive that sounded and immediately went red down to his neck. Giggling at how cute he was being, you kissed his lips softly and fixed his hair with a soft smile. "I'm just kidding, love. How about we make marshmallows?"

"But... we're in our home and not at a campside?"

"So?" 🤨

ೃ⁀➷ And that was how you spent the night with the three men above the stove in the middle of the night, making marshmallows and a plate full of food to go and watch a film with.

ೃ⁀➷ Steven, and Marc and Jake, was happy to see you... soft, comfortable and happy. You swayed to a song in your mind while being completely unaware that the other two men was watching you with hearts threatening to get out of their chest.

ೃ⁀➷ They never thought that they would be spending their times when they didn't hunt criminals, with someone as caring and loving as you. You always waited for them to come back home to patch them up, even if it was midnight, and though they were happy to hear you scold them for the miilionth of times for their carelessness, that was how they realized that you had troubles sleeping.

ೃ⁀➷ A normal human being would be verry tired at that hour after all.

ೃ⁀➷ "Doll, what's wrong with you?"

ೃ⁀➷ Both you and the three men winced how harsh that sounded and they internally beated Marc for saying such a harsh thing when you turned to look at him with a curious tilt. "What do you mean? About the insomnia?"

ೃ⁀➷ His heart leaped to his throat at how easily you understood what he meant, knowing that Marc was bad with words and chose the wrong ones often to voice his worries.

ೃ⁀➷"Hmm, I don't know. Sometimes, It's just hard trying to go to sleep. The voices, thoughts don't shut up and I have to re-experience that one embrassing thing again, thinking that 'I should have done/said that!', you know?"

ೃ⁀➷ Oh, yes... He knew that feeling very well. The same would happen whenever he woke up from a nightmare.

ೃ⁀➷ But he didn't like you suffering because of the same. If it was up to him, he would take all of it on himself to see you sleep peacefully and be healthy.

ೃ⁀➷ "And sometimes, I just lie awake at night, never feeling tired. And when I sleep, I feel so tired... I guess it should have been the otherwise. Medication helps but I don't want to be addicted to them just to sleep."

ೃ⁀➷ your sad mumbling hurted them more than they thought and Marc gathered you between his strong arms while caressing your hair softly. "We will get through this together, okay? You have always been the one to take care of us..."

"Now, is our time, mi alma..."

ೃ⁀➷ That night was the best night you had. You had the chance to cuddle up with your boyfriends while watching a movie you had been wanting to and without any troubles, just like that... You fell into a deep, refreshing sleep.

ೃ⁀➷ Marc and Jake looked down to see your eyes closed and slight drool escaping, chuckling in affection and settled to lie with you on top of them on the couch when a slight sniffle rang inside their minds.

"Steven? What's wrong? Sad that we spent-"

"They fell asleep... It means they feel safe with us! They never did that before!"

ೃ⁀➷ And while Jake comforted the sensitive one out of them, Marc smiled and cuddled to you with a kiss on your forehead to not disturb you and fell asleep.

ೃ⁀➷ He didn't have to say that it was also the best sleep he had in a long time.

ೃ⁀➷ P.S: after that day, when you went to work, They both searched how to treat insomnia by themselves and you definetly didn't question the sudden change of mattress, huge amount of candles with relaxing smells, or the eye masks and ear plugs with the darkest curtain you had ever seen, being all in your bedroom.

[asherlockstudy]

Did you give your thoughts about the colonoscopies? I would love to know your take on what was said and implied because I have some thoughts..

I almost didn’t do it but okay let’s go.

The Brolonoscopy (they pronounced it as Brolinoscopy?)

I will once more start with the puzzle piece reference. Let’s see the exact quote: “Well, the technical term is colonoscopy when a doctor explores your large intestine with a little camera to check for signs of cancer, polyps, gastrointestinal abnormalities, missing puzzle pieces. It could be anything.” Okay, with all the objectivity I can master, the possibility of this being a throw-away statement and not a reference to their own old video is, very seriously, below 1%. Let’s start from what the joke is on the surface. The superficial joke is the weird objects people insert in their rectum for sexual gratification. But why say puzzle pieces of all things? I don’t think I need to explain why a puzzle piece has a shape that is not meant to offer any pleasure but is sure to cause huge discomfort. Nobody (I hope) would like the idea of sticking a puzzle piece up there = 0% pleasure, 100% cuts and pain. So why go with puzzle pieces and not a million other objects that would have a more reasonable shape? Furthermore, notice that it is the ONLY irrelevant item Rhett mentions. He says cancer, polyp, other health abnormalities… and MISSING PUZZLE PIECES. He jumps to it straight away. It is not part of a series of items that have no business in your butt. He just says this one, in specific, all alone and nothing else. Lastly, of course this quote is from the scripted intro. No incoherence, no thoughtless blabbering. Scripted intentional statement.

The Link butt flashing is nothing truly important, it’s a throwback, Link had also done it in the brosectomy. Rhett looked the other way but there was also a cut there lol

I love how butt flashing Link thought Rhett was being indecent because a little bit of the shoulder was showing 😂

Let’s go to drugged up Rhett. The things he says are: a) using buttplugs regularly, b) eating a lot of hotdogs (although when sane he has said he doesn’t often opt for actual hot dogs), c) a man fond of looking and entering the asshole (although when sane he identified as a vagina fan man). So he spoke of three things and all were associated with anal sex and more so gay anal sex (hot dog). I think at some point Link’s embarrassment almost became genuine. There’s more to be said here but I will come back to this later.

Rhett was somehow so endearing when he was mumbling how Link complains about everything except peanut butter.

Link makes it clear he’s fine with something going up his dookie shoot.

Overall, sedated Link is more of a normally sedated person than Rhett was and there is stuff to be said about it. But first, let’s talk about the normal stuff: when Link is brought to during the colonoscopy, he initially is antsy, has discomfort, asks repeatedly if the doctor found anything bad, tries to move. Those reactions were normal. The only not normal one up to this point was wanting to canoe down a colon… But, again, there’s a lot more to be said.

“I’m glad we saved ourselves for each other and broke the seal together” intentional joke when Rhett was fully awake.

Link also said something like “I spent all my life with a cone up my ass” probably a metaphor of repression.

And now: THE REAL PART

As a person who has had an endoscopy with anaesthesia (maybe more than a regular dosage), a relative who had one with half the typical dosage of anaesthesia and a thug relative who did it with NO anaesthesia, in case you are young and vibrant and healthy, which I very much hope so, and have not undergone such a procedure yet, let me tell you something: regarding many parts of their incoherent sedation, THAT’S NOT HOW BEING INCOHERENT DURING SEDATION WORKS.

Link commented in the end of the video that he was more out of it than Rhett was and Rhett disagreed due to all the insane stuff he had said, for which he took no responsibility. The thing is, Link was telling the truth and perhaps intentionally. He was more out of it than Rhett. “Out of it” here means being more sedated and therefore more incapable of communicating or talking. And certainly NOT saying sexual and other supposedly crazy stuff with extraordinary detail. There is proof for that in the video, as spoken by the doctor, which was not edited out.

The doctor said Rhett took less medicine than the typical dosage is and, you know, doctors have the tendency to minimize pain anyway. Which means that for the doctor to be impressed that Rhett handled it so well, he was in fact not all that drugged up. The dosage that was given to him was apparently enough to numb the pain / discomfort but he was pretty conscious for most of the time. Compare it to Link, who was given more medicine and when they tried to wake him as much as Rhett, he had discomfort, was making motions and asking the doctor questions about his health. Link’s state was making a lot more sense. There are several cuts and edits during Rhett’s colonoscopy but in general I feel like he took one up for the team (literally) so that he would say certain things under the cover of incoherence. Like they said, they asked the doctor to use the minimum drug dosage so they could be as alert and conscious as possible - apparently Rhett was able to tolerate a lower dosage that inevitably made him remain more alert for a longer time. Bodies are different. In any case, Rhett took much less drug than his doctor expected him to need, which means he was able to communicate well and maintain an unusual level of consciousness during such a procedure. Besides all the sex jokes he made with full phrases, this is more obvious in the “Jessie” question. Here’s how sedation works: if you are in the state that you don’t remember your mother for example, you definitely also don’t remember the lyrics of an obscure song you listened to once. End of story. What happens with Rhett here is exactly that. He supposedly is incapable of remembering his wife but he has no problem remembering… let’s analyse this.

Doctor: So, Rhett, who’s Jessie? You got a tattoo.

Link: That’s his favourite proctologist.

Rhett: You’re talking about Jesse Pinkman?

Doctor: We got Jessie on your right buttcheek.

Rhett: … he was the right hand man of Walter White in Breaking Bad.

Link: No, they are talking about your wife, dude.

Rhett: Jesse James was a…

(Irrelevant chatter about endoscope going in.)

Nobody:

Rhett: Jussie Smollet was a…

Link: No, let’s not talk about him.

Also look:

Look at him. He is pretty alert. He looks at Link when he talks to him, he is wide-eyed, he raises his head. He also repeatedly looked to his right (our left) during the Jessie conversation. This was a bit. Perhaps the various Jessies were written on a paper there because he could have a problem remembering them on his own. When the endoscope was inserted, he was like “oh yeah hehe there it is, hello, ask for consent maybe hehe”. It’s funny, it’s inappropriate but IT IS NOT incoherent. It was a sex joke very suitable to the situation. He knew what he was saying at all times. Therefore, no matter how numbed he was, he was not enough to forget his own wife or repeatedly ignore the cues Link and the doctors gave him about her, all while listing a sidekick character from a show, a notorious bandit from the American civil war and a controversial but little known gay actor who staged an assault against himself and has mythomanic tendencies.

Link emphasises on the bit by saying to the doctor: “ I wonder if he’s gonna remember his wife when he wakes up. Because he certainly remembered every other Jessie he’s ever heard about”.

Like, okay? Trust me on this. Anaesthesia doesn’t work like selective amnesia. And few very particular amnesias work like remembering the obscure thing and forgetting the pivotal one.

This. Was. A. Bit.

And even Link’s embarrassment is parts real, parts a bit. Like, emphasising on how Rhett can’t think of anything besides buttholes.

Meanwhile, Link’s eyes are half-lidded and whenever the endoscope moves he tries to move and the nurses stop him. He’s on a bigger dosage and he’s more sensitive to this procedure than Rhett. Honestly, Link is just way more normal, I don’t know if Rhett was that hell of a champ or there was crazy editing going on. But Link is brought at some point more to as well. And then he says this:

“You know, Rhett, I am glad you are here for me. Why don’t we hold hands?” *Editing with a lot of stuff about polyps, business decision etc, at this point Link communicates well too* “I am so grateful that I get to have something shoved deep into my colon, in your presence… because you know that’s what life is all about.” Throughout this monologue, Link also looks somewhere at Rhett’s left and he is a little robotic. Maybe he was reading as well. This, too, was a bit.

And just like with all recent videos, this has similar vibes to another one. Let’s go back to the We Dug A Medium Sized Hole. As Rhett and Link dig with their shovels, Link says;

“You know, there is nothing I’d rather be doing now than digging a hole. Seriously, this is exactly what I want to be doing. And there’s no one else I would rather be digging a hole with.”

That’s all from me, you said you had thoughts as well, if they are additional or different, I would love to read them!

[allhalesterekstilinski]

I do like complaining about t*en w*lf, it’s a hobby honestly. I’ve been thinking a lot about the parents lately, so I decided to give my brutally honest opinions about each of them. In case you don’t want to read all of my opinions, TLDR I don’t like most of the parents.

If you do want to hear my reasonings, I’ll put it under the cut because there is a lot of negativity.

These are my opinions and I’m explaining why I feel the way I do. You are by no means obligated to agree with me, and I’m not saying your opinions are wrong, all I ask is you are respectful.

This is my interpretation of the characters and their actions (as parents, not every single decision they’ve ever made). My interpretation may be influenced by my own experiences. If you disagree, I welcome you make your own post. If you really hate what I have to say, block me.

I do try to look at good and bad parenting decisions from each parent, but depending on what the act itself is, some hold more weight than others, as well as the number of good vs bad.

Let’s start with the dads

Noah Stilinski

Good

Said he would burn the sheriff’s station to the ground to protect Stiles

Was frantically looking for him when he went missing (on multiple occasions)

Pointed a gun at Chris when he thought he was going to shoot “Stiles”

Tried to help him get out of the train station

Stopped drinking (this is twofold, it was good for Stiles and for himself)

Bad

In regards to the first point, he followed it up with ‘a good way to forgive yourself is to forgive someone else.’ He made it all about Scott. I know he wasn’t aware of what Scott said, but Scott doesn’t need to be forgiven

“I don’t want to feel worse by yelling at my son” this sounds to me like he blames Stiles for getting fired. He shouldn’t have been fired, but he also shouldn’t be blaming Stiles

Stiles comes to him with XYZ and Noah doesn’t believe him. Scott comes to him with XYZ and he believes him. Not cool to believe someone else over your own kid, especially when they said the same thing. This happens multiple times

Edit to add: He basically calls Stiles a liar and never apologizes for it

Noah agreed to let Stiles to go Eichen. Even if he tried to back out later, he still let him go through with it

This one seems more minor, but not telling your kid who you’re going on a date with. Kinda awkward that it’s his crush’s mom

He leaves Stiles with Claudia. He thinks his job is more important than to support his son and his dying wife. He also did this knowing that Claudia assaulted Stiles. That’s not a great way to say you care about your kid (Noah, not Claudia, her too though)

“Thank you, son I should have had.” This is not funny. I don’t give a fuck what Stiles said before this. That’s not funny. You don’t joke about wanting someone else to be your kid. My dad made it very obvious he loved my step-brothers more than me and that shit is painful. (Additionally I’m sick of seeing “if you think that’s bad parenting, you had good parents.” I think that’s bad parenting and I had a shitty parent. There are real people in real life whose parents don’t like them and wish to trade them for a different kid. I think this is one of the most hurtful things spoken in the show)

He doesn’t know where Stiles is (in "Fury”) when the gun goes off and he calls out for Scott first. Before Stiles. He cares more about Scott’s than Stiles’s well-being. Even if he did know where Stiles was, you call out for your kid first to make sure they’re okay

Yelling “I’m the dad, you’re the son!” Obviously Stiles does not feel like a child in this relationship. He’s too busy being an adult

Additional note: I have no problem with Noah acting like a father figure to those who don’t have dads or good dads, but he should really focus on being a good dad to his own kid first. So far he’s not doing a bang up job.

Chris Argent

Good

Allowed her to take mental health days come season 3

Bad

Told Allison she was responsible for the deaths of everyone if she didn’t tell him who the kanima was. Even if that was true, saying that to your kid’s face and showing them a corpse killed by the kanima is not a good move

Kidnapped his daughter, probably traumatizing her, and implied he would be forced to kill her if she were to change into a werewolf (the last part screams conditional love. And don’t come at me with “that was season 2, he changed later.” No, he didn’t. Chris is not an ally to werewolves, only Scott, and I will fight you)

Emotionally manipulated her into not seeing Scott again by threatening to kill him. (He’s also a hypocrite because in season 1 Kate also held a gun to Scott’s head and he said that wasn’t okay. Doesn’t matter if he wasn’t going to shoot Scott, unlike his sister, threatening it is bad enough)

Allison tells Scott not to laugh when she talks about archery, she also tells Jackson not to laugh before she confides something in him. This sounds like Chris and Victoria blow her off. She still has a box of art she produced from over her life claiming all of it was terrible. It sounds like Chris and Victoria said that to her. If she really truly hated it, she probably wouldn’t keep it. At least not in her room, maybe in storage, but at the moment it’s sitting there as a reminder she’s not good enough

Hid a lot of information from her (the truth about Victoria, the hunter thing – if she was meant to carry on the job, he waited an awful long time to get her into it, but whatever. The fact that he knew about the telluric currents and Gerard being alive)

This is the big one. This is it for me. She told him she loves him and HE DOESN’T SAY IT BACK!!!!

You tell your kid you love them, especially if they say it first. He kissed her head and fucking walked away. I don’t care what your familial love language is, if you can’t tell a person that you either helped make and/or raised or whatever that you love them, don’t be a parent. That shit hurts

He didn’t go to her when she died. She died in Scott’s arms. Chris stood there and watched. Maybe he was in shock, but that doesn’t sound like very good CoMpArTmEnTaLiZiNg. That would have been a good time to say you love your kid, but no. (If you believe the unreliable narrator theory, I certainly do, maybe he did go to her, but this isn’t what we saw in the episode.)

Peter Hale

Good

Wanted to connect with his child when he found out he had one

Was willing to do a big favor for Lydia just to get the name of his child (which was a big deal to him)

Spent thousands of dollars (and we all know how stingy Peter is) to get information on her

Was willing to get burned alive again to see his daughter (6.05)

Used himself as a distraction for the Ghost Riders to save Malia. Twice (the first time was when they were in the tunnels, and then fought them again in the library)

Similarly Peter, who just got done saying he wasn’t sure how Malia could be his daughter since she lacks self-preservation instincts, is willing to potentially sacrifice himself and tells her to run

Her calling him “Dad” snapped him out of the trance

The Anuk-ite used her voice against him, meaning his greatest fear was something happening to her

Bad

Wanted Malia to kill Kate (why? He could do it. Actually, Chris should have done it but he doesn’t have the balls)

Additional notes: The show implies Peter helped out Malia during the brown out in season 5 (through a flashback in season 6), but I never understood what the significance was, so I’m ignoring that until someone can explain it to me.

Ken Yukimura

Good

Was willing to sell out Noshiko, in a way, to help Kira (“Are you sure about that?”)

Was willing to go to prison for Kira when she was (knowingly) wrongly accused of murder

Bad

Didn’t tell her about her kitsune powers until they started to manifest

Didn’t tell her they were planning to go back to New York

Dr. David Geyer

Good

Supportive of Liam and helped him work through his anger

Doesn’t blame him for getting assaulted by Scott (”Are you mad at me?” “No, of course not.”)

Clearly cares about Liam, and his friends

Additional notes: We don’t get to see him enough. I’m mad about it.

Rafael McCall

Good

Tells Scott it’s safer for him to get out of town than stay when Monroe has her army

Bad

Pushed his kid down the stairs. Doesn’t matter if he was drunk or not

Didn’t really apologize to Scott for this incident, instead he pushed the blame to Melissa

Said he would come back soon and then didn’t

Not to mention he doesn’t seem to pay child support since Melissa is struggling and he offers to have dinner with Scott so Melissa can work more shifts instead of just giving her money. But I digress

Proceeded to not spend time with Scott. No phone calls or emails were mentioned (but I guess that doesn’t necessarily mean they didn’t exist. Still didn’t spend time with him, though)

Henry Tate

Good

Was gutted when his family died

Thrilled to find out Malia was alive

Bad

Sent her (?) to Eichen to readjust. That is what therapy is for, not a mental institution. (And who gave her the go ahead to go to high school with a third grade education? The fact that she graduated eventually with the academic success of a nine-year-old tells me she’s hella smart. What 9 yo wouldn’t struggle with pre-calc if they skipped all the stuff in between?)

Mr. Lahey

Bad

Abuses Isaac

Mr. Stewart

Good

When a lot of people (Natalie) didn’t believe Tracy had a real condition or problem, he did

Got her help for the problem (the psychiatrist)

Did everything he could to ease her mind (the dreamcatcher, boarding up the skylight)

Mr. Martin

Good

Went to the hospital to see Lydia

Bad

Tells Lydia she needs to choose who she lives with in the divorce

Presumed she had more problems than successes in school

Went to the hospital to see her, though he seemed a little eager to offer her help with a shower, which was creepy to me

Never to be heard from again. He likely abandoned Lydia

Elias Stilinski

Bad

Abusive and openly mocks his son and grandson (not sure how he remembered someone who was taken by the Ghost Riders)

The Moms

Melissa McCall

Good

Supports Scott no matter what

Bad

Except that one week after she found out he was a werewolf. She didn’t apologize for that either. Much like Chris, she did not express her love for her kid during that time even if she was struggling with his identity

(^ Saying forget everything I said before, if you can do something, do it is not an apology)

Her punishments are empty threats or nonexistent. She doesn’t ground him for sneaking out past curfew, does not punish him for assaulting Isaac (that’s not boys will be boys, that’s straight up assault), or stealing money from the Hales (she only demanded he give it back, no punishment ensued), took away his car keys/Stiles but then seemed to drop the punishment when she thought he was acting out because of his father)

^ Also, no Stiles is not a punishment you can follow through on

Instead of trying to have a conversation about the lone condom she found in his room with him, she goes to the MOM of the girl she ASSUMES he’s fucking. She could have been way off

She told the drunk to get out of the house, not the dad to get out of his life. Wrong. If your spouse hurts your kid, get rid of the whole man. Toodaloo motherfucker. Your stuff is in the trash

Instead of telling her son to get out of town for his safety, she tells him to stay. There is an entire army out to kill your child. He’s always going to be followed and hunted, yes, but it just seems irresponsible

I’m positive this is because the writers didn’t think it through that far or they simply forgot, but fact of the matter is it still happened. Melissa let Scott live with the man who pushed him down the stairs. Why? How are you certain it won’t happen again? How are you certain something worse couldn’t happen? I’m not giving up my kid, not for anything, not for any amount of time. If Melissa has primary physical custody, why would she let this happen?

Natalie Martin

Good

Wants Lydia to see a therapist

Electrocutes Tracy to save Lydia

Bad

“Lydia! What did you do to yourself?” sounds judgmental. Perhaps, upon seeing her daughter has cut her hand by punching the mirror, asking what happened would be more appropriate

Lets a strange boy into her house to be alone with Lydia while she’s drugged up and in negligee. Lydia can wear whatever the hell she wants, especially in her own house, but to let some rando into her room is not a good idea. And she left them alone

Says in season 4 she will do whatever she can to help and then turns around and absolutely does nothing (though this may be less of a parenting thing and more of a terrible person thing)

Sends her to Eichen House for the “best medical care.” Excuse me, ma’am, that is a mental institution, not a medical facility. Also, according to the flashback in Season 5, she saw what happened to Lorraine. I’m not sure if she’s cruel or stupid, but given everything else we know about Natalie, I’m going with both

She doesn’t care when Stiles points out Lydia has a hole in her head. She tries to justify it medically. You remember what happened to your former mother-in-law. Do you believe Lorraine did it to herself?

When Noah tells her what’s going on in Eichen, she waits all day to get Lydia out of there

When Tracy injures Lydia and Lydia tells Natalie to run, she does. She doesn’t risk her own safety to be with her child. She saves herself

Victoria Argent

Bad

“What you want doesn’t matter!” Tracks

She’s unnecessarily hard on Allison it seems (of course you shouldn’t be hard on your kid at all, but I feel Vicky was over the top)

Additional notes: I really don’t remember much about her except that she was a psycho. Some of her points are tied in with Chris.

Noshiko Yukimura

Good

Wants to get Kira help controlling the fox spirit

Bad

Hides Kira’s powers from her until they started to manifest

Sends her to the skinwalkers possibly forever (and then changes her mind)

Doesn’t tell her about the plan to move back to New York

Talia Hale

Bad

She didn’t seem like she was a comfort to Derek after he killed Paige. She told him his eyes were pretty and there was nothing wrong with them. There are definitely other things she could have said such as “It was a mercy kill, that doesn’t make you a bad person” or “She was suffering, you helped her” IDK

If Talia and Laura evolved in the same way Derek did in season 4, how come he didn’t know what was happening to him? I’m assuming Talia didn’t tell him

Additional notes: There’s no information about her as a parent, and these are mostly assumptions

Corinne

Bad

Tries to murder her daughter

Claudia Stilinski

Good

Based on Claudia pre-dementia, she would’ve believed Stiles

Additional notes: And this is according to Stiles who wanted to (rightfully) make his dad feel bad for not believing him. Which he never does. (He also yelled at Stiles unnecessarily)

[nerdygaymormon]

ED Therapy Session #1

I had my first meeting with the psychologist who will be helping me with my eating disorder. I’m writing about it so I have for future reference.

We began by doing screenings for depression and for suicidality. I came in on the low side of the scale for both. Then she explained that typically she will do 4 to 6 sessions for someone with a binge eating disorder, but that isn’t a fixed number and we can adjust as needed, but she wanted me to know I will learn the tools to help me with this and it is doable.

Then we moved into the getting-to-know-you phase where I speak about why I’m there, things from my life and my past which may be relevant, and so on. I spoke about being a gay Mormon. “As soon as you said ‘gay Mormon,’ I thought, ‘Goodness, I know that's been hard.’” 

I spoke about coming out later in life, and shared about having a blog, being a guest on podcasts, speaking, and doing some writing as a way to help other queer Mormons accept and love themselves and to move forward on their path.

I shared about my mental health history, including self harm, suicidality, low self esteem, repressing my feelings to the point of being emotionally numb, having a social anxiety disorder, and symptoms of PTSD. I spoke of working to undo my internalized homophobia so I can accept myself.

She asked what important lessons I learned from my past therapy experience that I continue to use in my life. My response was to have my own back and not to be so hard on myself. My previous therapist would point out that I turned every success into a failure, rather than taking credit for doing something, instead I’d complain I didn’t do it well enough, or I tried to do even more than the goal and was unable to accomplish that and reported it as a failure. Also I’ve learned I can’t speak of myself as a loser and expect to view myself as the good guy in my story.

I said it seems weird to have an eating disorder because I think of this as stereotypically happening to young women. Maybe it fits because when a person comes out it is like they go through a queer adolescence as they explore things about themselves and learn things typically learned in the teen years and early adulthood.

I shared about my eating disorder behaviors. I believe I’ve been doing these types of behaviors for decades. I can remember my most recent episode, but I don’t really have an awareness about how frequently I do these things, almost like they’re blocked out from my memory. I was thinking perhaps I do these things once every week or two, but in the two weeks leading up to this appointment I have been more aware and found I do these things most every day. I think the frequency increased in 2020 as a reaction to the COVID pandemic lockdowns and then me being homebound for 8 months due to pulmonary embolisms in both lungs, as food felt like the last source of comfort in my life.

—————————

I’m going to share the eating disorder behaviors I engage in so people can understand what this looks like in my life. 

I eat large quantities of food and consequently feel very uncomfortable. The is much more than having a second helping. My stomach is beyond full and feels stretched out. Often it’s so much that my body feels strained and I cough violently and retch up some of the food.

When I’m eating large amounts, I eat rapidly. It’s not about enjoying the food or the flavor. In those moments, it’s more of a compulsion than a choice. 

The urge to binge isn’t tied to being hungry, I will eat even when not hungry. I will have dinner with friends, then on the way home stop and purchase food so I can binge.

When I engage in this behavior, it’s in secret. I’m embarrassed at what I’m doing. My office used to be across the hall from the breakroom and leftovers from conferences & meetings would be brought there for the staff to enjoy. I would sneak in when others weren’t in the breakroom and grab sandwiches, cookies, chips, and hide them in my office. I would eat them when others wouldn’t see.

I feel guilt and shame after binging a lot of food. It’s not what I want to do. It feels wrong and I feel like I’m bad for doing it. 

Sometimes it’s eating and eating, but not swallowing. I will chew and then spit the food out. I can go through packages of food doing this

I’ve lost over 100 lbs...twice!!! When I’ve lost the weight I’ve been on very restrictive diets, and they can almost drive me insane. I’m able to fight through the urge to eat because I know I have to weigh in every week at a clinic, that would help me hang on. But once I’m done with the diet, I re-engage with this binging activity. Even as I’m gaining weight and feel frustrated because of all the effort that went into losing weight, I can’t seem to stop. 

—————————

My therapist explained that eating disorders are often tied to a feeling of control. Being in the closet can feel like you’re not in control but instead others dictate what you say and how you behave because you have to be careful to keep parts of yourself hidden. 

“You’ve only been out to most people since 2017, that’s just a few years. That time includes adjusting to being out and going to therapy to accept yourself. It’s not a surprise you can feel like you’re experiencing a gay adolescence. While teenage girls and young women are at the highest risk for developing eating disorders, LGBT individuals also experience a high prevalence of mental health issues, including eating disorders, and this is attributable to the increased stress (i.e., stigma and prejudice) that they experience.”

Diets can be hard for someone with an eating disorder. Restricting access to food feels like a loss of control. While there are health reasons to lose weight, it’s important to think of this as a lifestyle, and that it’s okay to occasionally eat foods that you wouldn’t eat regularly, those options are still a choice you can make. 

Eating can provide a sense of comfort. The physical act of chewing provides comfort. Even if you don’t swallow the food, you are still getting that sense of comfort and control.

While it is a disorder, don’t think of it as you’re broken, you’re brain and body found ways to cope while you were in a tough situation. They brought you here. The circumstances of your life have changed and now we can work on helping you adjust to more healthy behaviors.

For a long time your brain has been operating with this disorder, it will take time to unlearn those behaviors and learn new ones. There will be setbacks. Progress isn't a straight line. In those moments, recognize this is a behavior I'm trying to change and I'll try again. This one setback doesn't undo the progress I've been making.

My therapist complimented me for the things I do, like appearing on podcasts, writing a blog, contributing to books, and all the ways I attempt to help others and myself to accept & love themselves. These things show your empathy. You make life better.

—————————

My “homework” is pretty simple, it feels doable.

Before I eat, take a minute or two to be mindful of my feelings. Am I feeling hungry? Am I bored or stressed? If I’m not hungry, find another activity to address what I’m feeling.

Prepare a plate of food, enough for a meal. Savor the food and the flavors and textures. Enjoy.

Once you’ve eaten, sit for a few minutes. If I’m still hungry, it’s okay to get more.

Additional food should not be within reach. It should be a few steps away, on the stove or in the refrigerator. It would take effort, even if it’s minimal, to eat more.

After I eat, do something for mindfulness and self care. This could be playing the piano, going for a walk, watching a favorite show, writing a blog post. Something to turn your mind’s focus from food to something else you enjoy.

—————————

Even though it was a positive experience, it still was a lot to be vulnerable and talk about all these things. 

Afterwards, I went to the grocery store and filled a handcart with food, then sat in my car eating it. But even as I did so, I recognized the paradox of doing this after my session. I ate some of everything, but threw away over half of it (usually I’ll eat all of one item and then move onto the next). Even though logically I know it’s a positive step, I still had the same feelings of guilt when I binge because it was binging, even if I did manage to stop.

While the homework sounds simple, I can tell it’s going to be a struggle to change 

—————————

I have a session with the psychologist next week and then we move to a biweekly schedule. I also have an appointment with a psychiatrist scheduled in July to being medication to help with my eating disorder. I’ll likely post about those appointments

[ljussangen]

I love being pregnant so much. Waking up in the morning is my absolute favorite, as it is then when I feel it the most for some reason. I feel very lovey and loved and happy. This is the cutest and most beautiful experience I have ever known (aside from the love my man and I share with one another, though in my opinion, being pregnant and becoming parents together is just another part of our love for one another).

I cannot relate to all of the miserable, negative, fear mongering pregnant women out there at all. Sure, there are parts that are not very comfortable, like extreme fatigue, bloating occasionally, possibly feeling a bit nauseous occasionally, or sore/tender, but it is worth it. Also, those things are why having a good man is important. When I am not feeling my best, my man is always here to take care of me and does his best to make me as comfortable as possible. He buys me things I need when I need them and does not complain or even hesitate to do so (like a soft, comfortable bra for when I have to go out (I do not wear bras regularly, just in public. my normal bralette does not fit anymore lol), and crystalized ginger for times when I feel a bit gross).

I feel so blessed to feel this way, and to have this as my experience, because it seems so uncommon. Even our trying to conceive journey was amazing, as once we decided to seriously attempt it, it happened right away. (We had always wanted to conceive, and did not prevent it, but we did not honestly try seriously either, just deciding to do what we do and see what happens.)

Honestly, I think that my man and I are just perfect together. We have all of the same thoughts on important things, we want all the same things in the long run, and we love each other so much. This, I think, also plays such an important role in everything I have expressed here, from my very happy/positive mindset, to our ease in conception (we feel very safe together, and I think your body feeling calm and safe is a good sign for conception because your body needs/wants to feel safe in cases where you will be vulnerable and during extremely taxing processes (which is why it will prioritize survival over others in cases of stress, such as when a woman loses her cycle or hair when she is overstressed)), to everything else. Sure, other factors such as nutrition and health play a large role in all of these things as well, but so often people overlook safety and being calm (not stressed) and loved. 

I am so lucky, and so happy, and so loved, and I hope that everyone out there who also wants to feel similarly (even if you do not want to become pregnant or have children - to each their own) is able to experience it someday. Keep working on yourself and your happiness and self-love and never give up. I never thought that I would be here one day, and yet here I am, loving every moment of it.

[pastel-strawberry-shorthcake]

I pretty much never write think-pieces, but this has been bothering me for some time. I think social media is screwing with my perception of men and relationships in a very interesting way. I say "very interesting" because I think this phenomenon is newly emerging thanks to social media sites and should be studied.

I browse Reddit a lot but subreddits like r/AITA and r/relationships are so popular that you can't escape them even if you're not using Reddit. I listen to Reddit posts on Youtube and Instagram reels as well. And at some point, the algorithms of these sites learned to give me all of these doom-and-gloom posts. They are the more popular ones anyway, take a look at the top posts on most subreddits. They are overwhelmingly about relationships falling apart and men being pieces of shit (and women also but I don't relate to those as my partner is male). It makes sense because most people come to these spaces to look for advice when something is already wrong, but if you only consume this content it will quickly screw with your brain if you ask me. And it's not just that! Influencers who are talking about "feminine energy" and using men as stepping stools are also popular. And you won't convince that that pseudo-science, constantly over-analysing "Don't marry a man like this", "he doesn't love you if he does this" and "Drop a man immediately if he says this" etc. accounts on Instagram are not harmful after some time. The "Dark feminity" aesthetic (movement?) on TikTok is also not good for your mental health. I know some of you will not agree but a subset of feminists DO make men out to be these unfeeling monsters who will screw you over, the question is when. And you can say "Wah wah that's not feminism then" but the fact is that this content exists IN feminist spaces so you have to be very careful if you don't want to fall down the rabbit hole!

Maybe some of you are built different but after I entered my relationship with my lovely boyfriend I couldn't eat for a week because I was so anxious that things are going to go wrong. I couldn't imagine that we can last because everywhere I look men are made out to be monsters who WILL cheat and leave you once they lose interest. They are manbabies incapable of change and you should give up on them. And maybe some men ARE, maybe it's even a significant amount of men, but it's not a hard rule!

So I made an effort to consume more positive relationships in my media. Watching YouTubers like Pewdiepie or TheAnimeMan, who might be controversial figures nowadays but damn do they love their significant others dearly! I also like SimplyNailLogical and Safiya, both YouTubers who also have healthy relationships and I look up to them anyway as successful women. I look around and many of my friends and family are with their long-time boyfriends, sometimes they complain but they love and are loved.

I now blocked Reddit using an extension on my browser and only use the app once or twice per day. Maybe I was a femcel until now? I'm not sure, I don't think I was in THAT deep but I, for sure, unfairly antagonized men. Anyway, I don't know why I wrote this, maybe we can have a constructive discussion about this, I believe that's always important!

[autisticlifelessons]

Hello there,

I'm a parent to a child that I strongly suspect has autism and ADHD. The characteristics were subtle at first, but over the years they've have become more apparent. They're now in their tweens, and I'm finding it difficult to connect with them.

They have obscure interests, and while we try to appeal to those as much as we can, it never seems to be enough. They want the novel experience of something new (ADHD), whilst still wanting to stay firmly within their comfort zone (ASD). Most family and social events are met with hostile disapproval and repugnance, but they also complain about being bored and lonely. This is a complex balancing act to include them and make them feel comfortable, and more often than not I don't get it right, try as I might. This is causing my child a lot of frustration, depression, and moodiness since their emotional and psychological needs are not being met. They aren't willing to compromise, and I don't know what else to do to help bring some happiness and joy into my child's life.

It also doesn't help that I have another child with special needs that requires my time and attention as well. I have ADHD, and my older child's bluntness can be incredibly hurtful and trigger my own RSD (which they also have, but struggles to empathize when the shoe is on the other foot). I am aware that I am the adult in the situation and should handle this better, yet I am also a sensitive ND person and going through my own psychological growth in life. There seems to be arguments or heated interactions between them and other family members on a daily basis, and I don't want that for any of us.

I have seen my child at their best, and they practically GLOW with elation and confidence during those times. They're so very intelligent, talented, and clever, and it saddens me so much to see them so depressed and withdrawn the rest of the time. There is an important place in this world for my wonderful child, but I'm unsure of how to help them.

Is there any advice, even small, that you could offer for someone in my position?

Hey

I haven't been doing much with this blog lately so I'm so sorry if you have been waiting a long time for a response.

That sounds like a really sucky situation and I am sorry you and your family are going through this. You sound like a wonderful parent doing their absolute best and it must be so frustrating to feel like your efforts aren't getting you anywhere.

The tween years are a time of transition and can be rough even for neurotypical children as their bodies and minds change and grow and they begin exploring their identity. It may be that there is nothing else you can so except continue to support them as best you can until they find some new equilibrium. In terms of protecting your own and your other child's wellbeing, it may be time to enact a bit of 'tough love' by asserting boundries on what is and isn't acceptable. You could help them come up with coping strategies such as box breathing to help them calm down when they are frustrated.

I hope that helps. But coming from a family of neurodivergent people with differing traits and support needs I know how hard it can be to try at support someone while trying to protect your own mental health.

Hang in there, you got this xxxxx

[asking-jude]

Do you want free, fast mental health help? Visit askingjude.org.

anonymous said:

How can I think of myself as a good person and allow myself to experience good things, if I have done something horrible to my partner , breaking his trust and making him think about that all the time, almost leaving his mind even after months, essentially giving him ptsd, because every cute or lovey or couple-y thing he sees reminds him of us and me..... He didn't physically assault me, and he is very sorry when things like that accidentally happen, but he slapped me right after he found out and one time when we were discussing about it, he threw my half eaten hot dog in the trash and .. I'm used to ppl being mean to me, so it didn't really affected me, but stil :c It's okay if u feel too pressured to answer this, u don't have to, but I would appreciate it because I don't have the money, guts and anonymity to ask a therapist (at least at the moment) For context, what I did was sexting with a guy, even sending him photos of my naked body, something sacred, that only he should have seen in all of our lives..... and complain about stuff I didn't like about him to a friend, because I wanted someone to agree with me when he would get angry at something I did or did not, but now I know he said those things because he wants (or wanted...) us to grow and get better together:C Thank u <3 Also, sorry for the long ask:<

asking-jude said:

Hi love,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I appreciate your openness in sharing your situation with me. Rebuilding trust with a partner and working through the aftermath of complicated situations like this can be challenging. Self-reflection and honest communication are the most important things to practice moving forward.

While it’s evident that you’ve reflected on the past and understand the consequences of your actions, you should still continue this path of self-reflection to better understand the motivations behind your choices. It’s important that you acknowledge your mistakes, and that you take responsibility for your actions and ultimately learn and improve from them.

Having an open-minded and honest conversation with your boyfriend will help rebuild a foundation of trust in your relationship. Sitting down and explaining your side of the situation, specifically what motivated you to do these things, can help your boyfriend put your actions into perspective. Sharing your reflections and listening to each other’s feelings and concerns without judgment can help you and your partner grow.

Try to forget your sense of pride and genuinely apologize to him. Showing remorse for your actions, and showing that you are willing to make amends with him, can help rebuild the trust in your relationship. Using this experience as an opportunity for personal growth is also important. If you understand the root causes of your actions, you can explore healthier ways to cope with challenges that may arise in the relationship.

Rebuilding trust and mutual respect is a slow process. It may take time for your relationship to recover, so practicing patience in your efforts is crucial.

Here are some links that contain tips on how you and your partner can rebuild trust: https://www.therelationshipcentre.ca/betrayal-8-steps-to-healing-broken-trust/; https://www.verywellmind.com/rebuild-trust-in-your-marriage-2300999.

Everyone makes mistakes; it is what makes you human. What matters now is how you choose to grow from them. Try to always prioritize your mental and physical well-being, and consider talking to a trusted friend or family member for support during this time.

Thank you again for reaching out to Asking Jude. I hope that some of this information was helpful, and please do not hesitate to reach out again if you have any further questions.

Best of luck,

Irene

Ask a question here.

[poppywriter]

✿❀✿

This chapter tackles subjects that can be sensitive to some readers, please do not interact if you are uncomfortable. And it's about my personnal life, though I feel comfortable sharing those facts. Of course, don't read if you're not interested :)

⚠️ Warnings : depiction of mental health (depressive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, self harm, self hate,…).

Read at your own risk. - Beaucoup d’amour, Poppy.

✿❀✿

❀ Pansy n°4 = A little catch-up.

*sigh* So ! There’s a lot to say…

I didn’t plan to make this book, or whatever this is, so personal but I feel like this could do me some good and that it could actually be interesting to share a bit more of my struggles.

I mean, I think this book makes it pretty clear - especially with what I write and think of writing in it - but I suffer from chronic anxiety, ‘masked’ depression and a bit of ADHD. First and foremost, ‘masked’ depression is a bad translation from my native language but basically it means that I try - or at least tried - to hide it from others, to keep up appearances. Which is… Way too true. But anyways.

To start from the beginning, it has been more than a year since I got “diagnosed” with chronic anxiety by my first therapist. He told me it was most likely hereditary - which is true, I got f*cking anxious parents especially my dad. I started therapy in January 2022, after years of mental distress. I always remember being anxious, sleeping badly and feeling lonely as well as inexistant, useless, transparent. It is like, most of what I remember from my teenage years (and I have massive blackouts from my childhood somehow :/). I am constantly struggling with my feelings, thoughts and place in life. It is as if my entire life revolves around internal conflict. I was - and still am a bit - used to dealing with all of it on my own, because I am convinced that you can count on nobody but yourself, but mostly that I shouldn’t burden people with it especially when they won’t care anyway.

Adding to that, the fact that I am the youngest of three siblings, I grew up thinking that I was too much in my family. Like my parents had already too much to deal with and just hadn’t the capacity to fully care for me. Moreover, on my dad’s side of the family I was also the younger cousin. So when my cousins and siblings became teenagers and young adults, I was very clearly put aside. The worst was that everyone was aware of it. I mean they literally gently threw me out of each room they were in when they wanted to talk about more “adult themed” subjects, always promising to call me back when they were done which obviously never happened. At the time, I complained to my parents and relatives about it, saying that I was tired of being rejected and just wanted to spend time with my cousins. But everyone just told me to wait it out, that it was normal as I was younger but with time it’ll change and it ended with people not even caring anymore if I was saddened about the situation. From this experience I think I just came to the conclusion that older people would always look at me as a less valuable being just because I was younger than them and theoretically couldn’t understand their “grown up and experienced” mind. As well as the fact that nobody - not even my family - cares about my feelings even if I communicate them.

I think that is when my difficulty communicating started to grow. I totally closed off from everyone, trapping myself in a never ending feeling of loneliness, even sometimes feeling like I am a spectator to my own life.

So I grew resentful towards my family, always wishing to stray away from them, to flee the country and build a new and better life. Away from everything. Then, I started thinking - very firmly - that without me, things would stay exactly the same. My family wouldn’t be impacted at all as I was only an unwanted nuisance that took too much care and money. I did not feel important, nor truly loved. I felt I just couldn’t be loved as I wasn’t interesting and had nothing for myself to make people appreciate me, just because I craved for attention I was not given by my family. 

Furthermore, when I had just started middle school, I found out I had scoliosis. And a pretty bad one at that. After three months of observation, my spine ended up forming a perfect S shape. It was so bad that I had to wear a medical corset, in order to keep my back in check. That is how I ended up wearing a plastic made medical corset 23 hours a day every day. All of that, just a few weeks before my 12th birthday… Yes, it was an amazing gift :).

So, I found myself being sort of disabled. Wearing something totally new to every single one of my classmates and even my school’s administration. Find a way to feel more left out and alienated. Yet, I was not truly bullied for it. People were kind and curious, often offering me to carry my bag or things like that. Still, I was faced with the fact that a majority of people just wouldn’t understand how hard it could be on someone’s body and mind. People just thought of aesthetic corsets when I had to explain what I had, and didn’t understand why I made the choice to wear one as well as why it handicapped me. 

In fact, it was truly a burden. It was not only painful, it was also truly incapacitating. I couldn’t bend down, I couldn’t sit without having my thighs being compressed and cut by the plastic, I couldn’t breathe or eat properly. At first I couldn’t even go to the bathroom with it. Plus, you are taught to get it on while laying down so I had authorized access to the nurse office - even when she wasn’t there - to take it off and pee. Only once was I refused the access to it, and my mom was so mad she made sure to call the school and report how it was unacceptable as I literally had a PCP (Personalized Care Project) which granted me special rights like access to the nurse office or even prioritized access to the cafeteria to not risk me being pushed and falling in the middle of a crowd. I actually got crushed by someone once. I was kneeling near my locker and someone fell on me. My breath cut short and I had trouble recovering. I only remember one of my friends opening my corset but nothing after that… Weird. But knowing how much I forget traumatic events I’m not even surprised :). 

Aside from that, the corset also took away my dream career of becoming a ballerina. It was a harsh reality check for a 12 year-old who already had a lot going on. So to sum it up, the corset physically blocked me, woke up unbearable back pains, made me feel even more abnormal, broke my dreams, ruined my birthday and made my nights even worse. Nice.

And it is only the beginning.

At the same time I also had a really sh*tty friend group. You know this type of friend circle in which everyone swears they’re best friends but spit on each others’ back? Well it was exactly like that. Adding the fact that they truly enjoyed putting only some people aside. I only have one friend from this group to which I still talk to this day. She is the only one who was honest with me, cared and liked me. And she changed schools during our second year, so she clearly got away from all the drama. But we kept contact and we are still really close.

Yet, I lost my best friend of 7 years to this group. She preferred to stay with them even if they were making fun of her behind her back, while I decided to leave and find other friends. Still, I was fairly traumatized by this friendship as one of the girls very clearly confessed in secret that she thought I was nonexistent, invisible and that without me things would be the same… So yeah, trusting people after that was especially hard.

Man, teenage years s*ck…

Eventually I found new friends with whom I felt a bit more like myself - whoever I was at that age. I got closer to this one girl I met at the very beginning of middle school and who is, today, still my beautiful and amazing best friend <3. That year I remember not having so many dark thoughts, but they became a bit too normal. Now that I had new people around me and felt I could express myself, it became really hard for me to repress my feelings. I was so used to bottling everything up, put on a straight face and feeling numb that once I felt a bit more at ease, it was impossible for me to go back.

I felt better with my friends and started questioning myself. Who I was. Who I wanted to become. Who I liked… I was around 14 years-old when I came out to my friends as Bisexual. I had this huge crush on one of my friends and even if I got - kindly - rejected, I knew where I stood. Everyone accepted me, I wasn’t judged by any of them. My siblings didn’t know yet at the time - as we didn’t share the close bond we have today. And my parents still don’t know to this day…

Nevertheless, this new discovery about myself made me question my attraction towards this one female friend of my friend group (just to bring precision, I didn’t and still don’t really hang out with boys much. Idk why lol). And this questioning ended up with me being in my first ever serious relationship, and it was with a girl behind my parents back.

I won’t go into details about this relationship or how catastrophic my middle sister’s first reaction was. But even if I should have known by now, things didn’t go according to plan… LOL.

I started this relationship thinking I had nothing to lose but in the end I lost my sanity and will to live, is that okay with you ? No but seriously, this girl ruined my life. She was what we call a ‘narcissistic pervert’. Literally made me lose any closeness I had to other people, wanting me to care only about her - even at my own expense. She constantly wanted to make me jealous with weird fantasies she had with her former crushes, making me feel like I clearly wasn’t the only one on her mind or even a tiny bit special. Once she even told me that before we got together she also had a crush on another girl, and that if we didn’t start something she might’ve not chosen me… B*tch. She even made me feel guilty for any little thing I could do or say when I tried to communicate - yes, it is called guilt tripping :). She was weirdly sexist, like she took on the ‘stereotypical role of the man’ in the relationship and wanted to be the one to lead the relationship in everything, even when it was uncalled for. She didn’t value my feelings, many times gaslighting me. Towards the end of our relationship, she often made me feel forced to engage in foreplay and sexual acts…

I know that, in a way, it was also my responsibility as I didn’t communicate much, always putting her first but I also felt like I couldn’t because whatever I said or did she put herself in the victim position while I was made the culprit. You know, she even got mad at me once because I fell asleep texting her - I took plant based pills, and they worked really well at the time. And she was aware of how much I struggled sleeping! Everything just had to revolve around her, all the time. It was clearly a one way relationship.

For other anecdotes - because I ended up going into details… :/. Even when I broke up with her, she couldn’t help but guilt trip me. She was literally telling me how cruel I was not to think about the situation she found herself in when I asked her for a break. (Yes, I needed a break first to see if I was better alone and to prepare myself to break up with someone… Oopsies.) Because of our relationship, I lost a friend who sided with her and it completely broke our friend group as no one wanted to hang out with the two of us when we were together. Yes we were f*cking cringe middle schoolers… Yikes.

One of the worst memories I have, concerning her lack of real care for me, was when I harmed myself… I was wallowing in self pity, hating myself and my life when everything was supposed to be better. I was dying with anxiety as important exams were coming up and as usual my feelings were minimized at home, and in my relationship. Even if it was the year I grew closer to my sisters, our relationships were still rocky - especially with my middle sister. I felt like all of my problems were meaningless, and I was the problem, the one to blame. So for an entire week I harmed myself. It was the simplest way I found to prove myself I had a reason to hurt. What better way to prove you’re in pain than having physical wounds ? That was my reasoning. It was also a clear cry for help as I did nothing to hide it. I constantly thought “the bigger it is, people would see it less.” And it always proved to be true.

One evening, I was having dinner with my two sisters and my mom. Simply wearing a tank top, my scarred wrists in plain sight. When my mom asked me what happened to them. I lied, saying that I simply scratched myself too hard with my long nails. And it was never tackled again. My sisters never caught up with it, my mom never asked more. It just went unseen. But, as I said earlier, my ex did even better. I literally showed her and after arguing a bit I just told her it was my way to cope and she answered “if it helps you, I’ll learn to live with it.” What a caring significant other am I right ?

Then after a week of only being able to think about doing it. I stopped because two of my friends found out and made me promise to never start again. But to be honest, I think I never really stopped. I learned that chewing the insides of your mouth (like really aggressively) is also a way to self-harm. I also used to scratch myself really hard when I felt mad at myself. And I happened to try and use a blade once more a few times, but felt extremely pathetic afterwards. I have been quite clean since then, especially since I don’t deny my own feelings and let myself have breakdowns lol.

During highschool I slowly started healing from this amazing relationship. Sadly, my anxiety grew because of school and just as I thought things could still go better… Boom. World wide pandemic. We had to stay focused on school while being stuck at home. It was really hard on me especially because my dad had to work from home while my mom - who takes care of kids at home - didn’t stop working. The cohabitation was less than pleasant. Anyway, I don’t have anything interesting to say about the period, just that it helped me go down the rabbit hole even faster :). A pleasure.

For my last year of highschool, teachers and adults expected us to go back to normal and be perfect students as if Covid never happened. They expected us to be okay. And it was just not possible. My anxiety went haywire as we had really important final exams at the end of the year that I couldn’t fail. All my friends were feeling down, I was feeling suicidal and just wanted to end the pain. I also lost my great-grandmother and a month later - literally two days before Christmas - my dog also passed away. It was a very difficult time for my family. Then came January and I felt more than ever like dying.

Each passing day I was only feeling like life was just a burden. Why did I have to suffer so much just from living ? I had to take the train every day, always thinking of just jumping on the rails. I had to fake a smile every day, to try and forget. To take care of my own friends who were too feeling horrible. I was just so tired…

Then my savior came. One of my close friends went to express their worries about me to one teacher with whom I was very close. She was a PE teacher and my dance option teacher for two years already. One day she asked me to talk after a class and as I exceptionally had finished class early I accepted.

It was the most intense and emotional discussion I ever had.

We both cried - a lot - I confessed everything. I was honest and she brought so much help. Thanks to her my parents became aware of the situation and I got help. She made my mom call a therapist she had heard only good things about and talked to me about what I could do and take to sleep better. I missed her class to go to my first ever therapy session and she often checked up on me. I could never thank her enough for everything. 

She saved my life. Literally.

This therapist was special but not bad. He talked a lot and I didn’t always feel heard, but he diagnosed me with chronic anxiety and slight ADHD. Therapy didn’t really help for my inner conflicts but I started to manage my stress a bit better. I passed my exams with less stress and excelled. But I still felt like it wasn’t a good match so I stopped seeing him. I let summer pass, trying to get my mind off of things. Went on vacation with my bestfriend and just tried to feel better.

Things went okay, but I was still bothered by anxiety as I was to start university. And it didn’t miss. Uni is a literal hell. Like what the f*ck ?? Why does it have to be so hard and stress inducing ? September was my way to hell…

I found a new therapist not far from my house. Since then I haven’t changed. My therapist is just amazing. I feel so much at ease with her, I have real conversations and I can freely express myself. I truly feel like it is helping me. Still, it was not enough for me to feel at least a little better on a daily basis so I started taking anxiolytics. It helped a bit but after a month it was clear that I had to take stronger medicine if I wanted to go through it day by day. So after being diagnosed with depression by a first psychiatrist I got prescribed antidepressant and sleeping pills. It was really hard at first as I had a LOT of side effects.

It did not help me sleep at all. The first night I literally did not sleep and had a mental breakdown just as I got up. I got really shaky and I was constantly nauseous. I missed some classes to rest at home but I couldn’t allow myself to miss more. I went on and even if we add to rise the dosage of my medicine I am feeling a bit better today.

I am still on my way towards healing but I think I am on the right path. I am surrounded by amazing people. My sisters and I are closer than ever, best trio ever <3 And I even grew closer to my mom. I express myself way more and try to be positive. It is not easy everyday but I start to finally believe that it might not be that impossible to heal. Right now school is almost finished for me and I never felt better. I am working on myself, trying to improve the person I am in order to become the person I want to be. I take good care of myself, try to change my mind and go out more. I do things I want and do not force myself if I don’t feel like it. 

I feel like I am in my healing era. B*tch I’m gonna glow up ;)

Anyway, if you ever went through difficult things I cannot tell you how important it is to surround yourself with good people and get help. It is really hard to ask for yourself, so if you see friends struggling do not hesitate to get them help. Believe me when I say I know how hard it is to accept the fact that things aren’t going well and that you have to do something about it. It is not going to be easy, it asks for a lot of effort but you are not alone. We can get through this. And… I think it is going to be worth it.

It’s going to be 5 months since I started being medicated, and 7 months since I restarted therapy. Things are looking good right now. I know I might still face some hard times but I am going to continue trying to feel better. I promise, if you promise to try too, dear reader. <3

✿❀✿

🔺Original work please do not steal or copy, Thanks.🔺

[megumishotgf]

bf!katsuki comforts you after a job loss ☄. *. ⋆

summary: you’ve been fired from your job recently and it’s thrown you into a slump. katsuki helps you get back on your feet.

warnings: mentions of mental health struggles

masterlist

you had told katsuki about you past struggles with mental health early on in the relationship. partly because it had felt like you had known him forever after the first few meetings, and also because you didn’t want him to freak out in case you suddenly suffered from another episode and he mistaken your distantness for disinterest in him. you knew it caused you to be particularly sensitive to certain events which would cause you to shut down completely.

for the longest time, it really felt like you were happy again. your relationship with katsuki was wonderful, you had a steady (albeit ruthless) job and income and you had even made some more incredible friends through your boyfriend. you were probably the happiest you had been in a very long time. until recently, when you were fired out of nowhere.

why was it so difficult to accept rejection? you were miserable at that workplace, yet you simply cannot get the heavy burden of guilt off your chest. it was the one thing that was ‘wrong’ with your life but somehow without it, you felt like a failure.

“stop moppin’ already. i can help you with rent until you find a better job, alright? anywhere but that shitty office. those fuckers.” katsuki says that same night, letting you rest your head in his lap. he caresses your scalp as you begin to cry.

katsuki hadn’t even heard half of the experiences you had at that job. you told him that the workload was exhausting and your boss was extremely dismissive and close-minded, and that was more than enough to get cartoonish smoke steaming out of his ears. you insisted you would continue with this job as it paid well and would provide you with valuable experience, so katsuki had never pressured you to quit. he knew how important your career was for you and he saw you as strong and resilient. in your eyes, you felt weak and quite simply, like a flop.

you didn’t want to depend on your boyfriend, especially since that’s what so many people insinuated when your relationship became public knowledge. while you were grateful katsuki was so caring, sometimes it made you feel shameful. you felt horrible for having these feelings. he loved to spoil you but you never felt worthy of the affection. thankfully, katsuki never really complained about your crying - he knows it’s just how you process emotions.

katsuki insisted you take a rest first to prioritise your mental and physical health. just a week or two. you were incredibly lucky to be able to have even a few days without needing to work. but eventually, two weeks turned into four and your confidence plummeted. you had grown tired of rejection emails and failed interviews quickly and your energy was depleted. you resorted to not leaving your bed at all throughout the day.

“y/n? what the damn hell have you being doing? you haven’t called in days!” katsuki says on the other side of the line when you finally pick up his call. “hey! what’s wrong, y/n?”

“hey, katsu,” you cringe at the shakiness and hoarseness in your voice. “i’m sorry. really. i’ve just… i’ve not been well for a few days. i haven’t left my bed for a while.”

“have you been eating?” his voice is softer this time. “nevermind. i’ll assign one of the interns to my patrol, alright? i’m coming over. don’t move.”

before you can protest, the other line goes silent. you scoff at his comment. you can barely move yourself to the bathroom in this dejected state.

you dread having katsuki see you like this. you have awful eye-bags, your hair is tangled and unwashed, you have been wearing the same ground zero shirt for days and there’s still smudged mascara left below your eyes from your last interview. it went terribly, by the way. almost as terrible as you currently feel. sure, he’s seen every side of you by now, but something made you feel extraordinarily exposed today.

the stress of having katsuki see you like this is immense, but somehow the desire to lay motionless in bed still wins you over. you remain cocooned in your covers until you hear katsuki open the door with his spare keys. he takes a minute or so - probably inspecting the mess of a kitchen you left. you haven’t washed the dishes in so long.

“hey, idiot. i’m here.”

you don’t move even when he comes to sit besides you on the bed. he’s still wearing his hero gear, just with the gauntlets and neck brace probably thrown to the side somewhere back at the agency.

“y/n. can you talk to me?”

he finally sees some movement from you. you reluctantly sit up, still refusing to make eye contact with him. your eyes begin to fill with tears and your hands start to tremble.

“can you just hold me please?” you say hurriedly, holding back a cry.

as soon as katsuki pulls you into his arms, you let out an uncontrollable ugly sob. luckily, you’re so physically close, you can hear katsuki’s heartbeat. it’s a gentle and calming rhythm. he holds you gently for countless minutes until your loud sobs become small, occasional sniffles.

“don’t go!” you say as you feel katsuki begin to pull away from your embrace, tightening your arms around his midsection.

“i’m not going anywhere, baby. just let me see you.”

you reluctantly pull away from his embrace. katsuki’s hands cup your cheeks. you’d expect them to feel rough, but they feel soft and warm. he looks at you with that look in his eyes - you know the one. the one with so much love in his eyes. he always looks at you in such a loving way, even right now when your skin is blotchy from salty tears and you’ve probably got snot around your red nose.

“how can you look at me like that when i’m ugly crying like this?!”

“what the hell do you mean? you’re damn beautiful. you always are.”

it makes you smile. katsuki lights up a little once he sees you do so. “there’s nothing to be ashamed of, baby. jobs come and go. there’s a better one on the way already, alright?”

you nod, eyes wandering down to the wooden floor. katsuki takes the blanket bundled up besides you and places it over your shoulders. he can sense your reluctance to talk and he doesn’t want to pressure you into discussing this sensitive subject.

“we don’t have to talk. but i’m here if ya’ need me, alright? i’ll take care of you.”

you swallow back the awful lump in your throat. “i don’t want to need your money, katsu. i feel hopeless. i wouldn’t let you spend a penny on me if i could.”

he’s about to say something in protest but you give him a pleading look as if to say ‘just listen!’

“i know i need to start working again but the thought of going back to a place like that sounds exhausting. they were all so awful, katsuki. they would say so many horrible things about me and i would come home so many nights to just cry for hours. i never told you how bad it really was because i didn’t want you to get angry… see! you’re getting upset already!”

“i’m fine!” katsuki insists, even if his jaw is clenched and his hands are tightly balled into fists. he takes a moment to breathe deeply, calming himself. “i’m listening. i promise.”

“i’m just so lost. all my experience is within that field. and i’ve had enough of it. i feel like my life is over!” you cry out, covering your face with your hands.

“what the hell do you mean your life is over? your life has barely started!” katsuki takes your hands into his own, forcing you to look at him. he takes another deep breath. he knows anger won’t help your situation. “i’m sorry, baby. i know you feel terrible. but don’t ya’ see it? you can do whatever the hell you want now. we can get you into whatever field you dream of, alright? and i don’t give a damn what you say, you mean everything to me and if helping you financially means you have one less thing to worry about, then you can just take all my damn money now.”

“stop it, katsuki!” you say, but you can’t resist laughing at him.

“i’m serious. if it helps you, you can move in with me. you can do whatever you want. you can study or work, get an entry level job somewhere. but i refuse to let you see this as a dead end, okay?”

you nod in agreement, wiping away the last of your tears away. katsu takes your hands into his, bringing them up to his lips.

“and you don’t have to decide right now if you don’t want to, alright?”

“you’re so wonderful, katsuki.” you say, throwing you arms around him gratefully.

“yeah, yeah. whatever.”

“and i’d love to move in with you. if you really want to have me, that is.” you pull away suddenly, looking at him with wide, glossy eyes.

“of course i do! when the hell have i ever lied to you!!” katsuki insists. he’s been wanting to ask you for the longest time now, yet he has always wanted to respect your desire for independence. it’s one of the things he likes most about you. but of course, you’re just like him in a way and feel ashamed of asking for or accepting help.

“thank you, katsu! i promise i won’t turn your pristine apartment into a depression pit!” you throw your arms around his shoulders once again. katsuki has avoided mentioning the state of your bedroom but he would go crazy living in a place like this. he’ll take it upon himself to help you clean later.

“i know, baby. we’ll get ya’ back on your feet. you don’t have to worry about anything.”

oh to have a man like this. i need money

[cancallmenurul]

Part (2)

At first, seeing a psychiatrist and knowing what I was going through made me even sadder. But slowly, I was relieved. I came to know what I was really like, after all this time.

Adjustment disorder with depressive affect, that's something I never imagined to be a part of my life, after my mother passed away when I was 14 years old. I never imagined I'd be a mental health warrior either. Indeed, I used to wonder, "What do mental health warriors feel?"

I even still remember clearly that in mid-October 2022 two friends said something like this, "I'm glad there are people who fight and care about mental health issues, but as for me, I'm not the type to fight and care so much." At that time, I refuted my friends' words to myself, "You can say that now. You don't know what it's like to be at war with your mind, to not find the solution you hoped for, to not be able to solve the problem. You don't know how it feels to be insecure about everything you see, to lose your spirit, to lose interest and passion in activities and things you like. You also don't know how life feels like night and darkness."

This adjustment disorder with depressive affect taught me many things. About relationships with Allah, myself, and fellow humans, as well as with animals and plants. Maybe according to Allah, this is the right test for me to be more aware of the love of Allah Swt to be with me, realize the importance of being with myself first, don't love creatures more than loving Him, love and love yourself before love and love for His creatures, minimize expectations, realize that the world does not revolve for others, but also yourself, realize that there are still many things to be grateful for, and realize that you can be calm and happy without anyone else in it.

I finally understood that the psychiatrist was indirectly a solution from Allah for everything I complained to Him about. I understood that there were many things that I had missed out on for myself while I was in that "live rich at night" period. I also missed one of the main things I wanted to do, the development of my abilities. I didn't realize that what the people closest to me said, even what other people said, didn't define the real me. I didn't realize that the thoughts and assumptions I had in my head weren't reality. I forgot that in this world we do need humans, it's just that humans are one of the intermediaries for worshiping Allah like the principles I hold. Allah Swt and ourselves are always there for us. Yes, in that period of "living like night and day", I was like someone who loved other humans so much and kept giving love, but for myself, I didn't realize there were many things that I had lost.

The disorder that I have now makes me understand that I'm not a one-set type of person. I've long understood that, it's just that I try to force myself. Forcing myself to keep working on my thesis, smiling, giving a lot of love to others, and even being willing to wait for others, which turned out they weren't waiting for me, didn't care. I also realized that in the end, the relationships I had, could be counted on the fingers of those who approached. The rest, you know. It's not about counting the kindness to others and hoping for a return, it's just that this is a lesson that I love other humans so much, and Allah Swt is testing me with the things I love, other humans, and one more thing as if deifying my mind.

A fairly complex problem happened to me at that time, I was surprised, and I turned out to be unable to deal with it, reminding me of someone's Instagram reel post featuring dr. Tirta talking about depressed people. The post made me understand that what dr. Tirta said in the video was true. I felt it so much, especially in this sentence, "If humans can't solve their problems, it's no longer physical that is affected, but psychological..."

The disorder that I have made me understand that depression or other disorders experienced by someone does not mean that they do not have God, or do not have faith. It doesn't. I, and other people out there, don't expect to have disorders or other mental health issues. Many factors lead to having a disorder or other mental health issues.

Now, I'm much better and trying to get back into the spirit of living a life that feels too set in stone for me who is not a typical set-in-stone person. Besides, there are still many things I want to achieve, especially for myself. I just uploaded this article and I appreciate you reading it until the end.

Hopefully, many lessons can be taken from this story. I hope, after reading this, don't ask about anything, including how much it costs to go to a psychiatrist. I've been asked about the cost of some friends who already know what I'm going through, and honestly, I'm not comfortable being asked about it. Yes, that's what happened. My message is, if you feel useless in this world, maybe you are not useful to other humans, but to nature. This world was created not just for humans in it. Stay alive, because you are valuable, useful :)