#those are different injuries

[pics-pizza-peace]

Lawrence Gordon (Saw 2004) Pony Cosplay

[theflagscene]

Let’s talk Jack and Joke’s perceived parental roles -

It’s laid out in plain words in episode ten so that there is absolutely no doubt whatsoever, Jack and Joke have taken Toi Ting in and have no plans on returning her to her deadbeat abusive bio-dad. I believe that it going to stay that way, so we’re going to keep to that assumption of her being adopted or fostered by them legally once everything is sorted.

Note: not looking for arguments about the legitimacy of blood relations verses found/chosen family. An adopted child is that person’s child, you do not need to have carried them in your body for them to be yours.

I adore that YinWar have been pushing back against the stereotypes around gay men and queer media in general about what roles a person takes in the relationship, they’ve mostly been focusing on the sexual aspect because that is the part that people tend to get the most hung up on.

Yet I find it wildly interesting how easily Jack and Joke fall into what would be considered the ‘heteronormative parental roles’ when it comes to Toi Ting. It’s not a bad thing! No, it’s actually quite nice to see. They’re not forcing any ‘husband/wife’ ideals into their relationship, they just naturally fall into the roles that are appropriate for them as a couple and a family unit.

Jack is very much in the ‘father’ role, remember, father does not instantly mean masculine or emotionally stunted. He is the protector, he is a trained martial artist and debt collector, he is physically intimidating. He is firm and chastising but also patient and forgiving, he is the one Toi Ting feels physically safe with the most, she runs to him for help, she learns her bravery and defiance from him. He absolutely will pat her back, smooth down her hair and allow himself be to dragged away by the hand to get ice cream. He is playing the role of not just a father figure, but a daddy. (stop giggling at that word, the internet has ruined us all 😝)

Meanwhile, Joke has one hundred percent filled the ‘mother’ role for Toi Ting. Again, not because he’s femme or whatever - side note, there’s nothing wrong with being femme! Joke is a natural carer, he wears his emotions on his sleeve because he never had anyone care about him before. He is gentle and a listener, both things that serve him well as a thief. When Toi Ting comes running to Jack for physical protection, it is Joke that offers emotional protection. He is the one that takes her into his arms and calms her down, he hugs her, reassures her and speaks with clam and loving words to bring her big scary emotions back down to a more manageable level. Joke can redirect her attention and is the one that sits and paints with her, Jack just ‘supervises’, aka is a big dope that��ll ruin the painting lol. But together Jack and Joke are able to offer Toi Ting what she needs, both a mother figure and a father figure, regardless of their genders.

Which leads me into the absolute heartbreak of a scene at the end of episode ten, where Jack and Joke find themselves in the one place no parent ever wants to find themselves. Stuck on the other side of those damnable white doors, unable to get to your child.

Joke has an emotional response, very much a mother’s response. Again, mothers tend to be the ‘emotional nurturers’ so them being more giving with their emotions is to be expected. And I would just like to point out how exceptional War plays that role, he is a mother waiting in terror to find out if his baby is dying or dead.

The blank horrified stare, the shaking hands and quivering movements, the fact that his legs fail him and he ends up curled up on the floor. Covering his mouth to keep the sobs in, yet unable to stop the silent flow of tears, barely even noticing when Hoy tries to comfort him. Joke doesn’t snap out of his shock until Jack shows up.

Jack on the other hand has a very ‘fatherly’ response, the pacing, the pinched expression, the heavy breathing and muttering before just exploding with anger, swearing loudly and looking for someone to blame. He can’t break down just yet, he’s too angry, too scared, he’s not the emotional support. He’s the protector, the provider and he hates himself for failing. Yin played that so well, how he kept moving to touch his head, putting his hands on his hips, fidgeting as he paced, forcing the camera to keep up with his near frantic movements.

Where Joke froze, Jack found movement.

Where Joke was quiet, Jack exclaimed loudly.

Where Joke allowed tears to flow, Jack held his pain tightly in.

Joke and Jack are Toi Ting’s mother and father, and that final hospital scene just proved it.

[the-broken-pen]

“You’re going to blow out your arms,” the villain observed. They watched as the hero merely grit their teeth, shoving themself through another pull-up. It looked painful, and if the sweat slicking the hero’s brow was any indication, it was.

They waited for the hero to let themself drop from the bar and accept the villain was stronger. But they didn’t.

Three more pull-ups, and the villain stepped in.

“Hero,” they said slowly. “You’re about to tear the ligaments in your arms. You need to stop.”

The hero blew out a shuddering breath. Struggled for purchase, fighting gravity—and let themself drop.

The hero’s hands were bleeding, calluses torn open by the bar. The hero didn’t seem bothered when their own hands shook so much that their blood began to splatter on the gym floor.

For a moment, the villain could only stare at them.

Shit.

They didn’t know how to handle this. They knew the hero was dedicated. They knew the hero was strong, and perpetually trying to be stronger, but they hadn’t thought…

They hadn’t thought the hero would be so willing to tear apart their own body for success.

It was supposed to be fun, the villain thought. They felt a little sick as the hero pressed their palms together to soothe the bleeding, an action that was practiced and familiar. As if they had done this before.

The hero reached for something in their bag, smearing blood on the side, and pulled out a roll of blue electrical tape. The villain didn’t understand why, until the hero tore a strip off and made to wrap their hands with it.

The hero would be the death of them.

They crouched in front of the hero, plucking the electrical tape out of their hands.

“What are you doing with this?”

The hero blinked at the villain like they were the strange one in this situation.

“Wrapping my hands?”

The villain hissed in a breath.

“With electrical tape?”

The hero flushed slightly, looking down at their bloody hands. They looked close to tears.

“It…sticks to skin, really well. And it doesn’t move, either, when you move your hands or wherever else, even if you’re fighting. Plus, blood doesn’t make it come off, at least, not for a while.”

The villain blinked at them.”

“Blood doesn’t make it come off,” the villain repeated, processing. The hero nodded, reaching for the electrical tape. The villain settled it out of reach.

“Not if you wrap it right.”

Dimly, the villain realized that meant the hero had done this enough times to have it down to a science.

“And you couldn’t use a bandaid?” The villain asked incredulously. The hero shrugged a shoulder, then winced at the motion.

Yeah, the hero had absolutely blown out their arms.

“Bandaids move—“

The villain hushed them.

“Be quiet for a second.”

The hero, wisely, went quiet.

The villain rubbed a hand over their face, then studied the hero for a moment. They took one of the hero’s hands into their own, studying the damage.

“Why did you do this to yourself,” the villain murmured.

“What do you mean, why,” the hero snapped. “It’s my job.”

“Your job is to save people,” the villain corrected. “Not destroy yourself.”

“I’m not destroying myself—“

“You are.”

“Shut up—“

“Hero.”

“I need to be better,” the hero snapped. Their voice rang out across the gym, echoing into the rafters, and they both froze. After a moment, the hero spoke again, voice soft. “I need to be better.”

They said it like they needed the villain to understand. The villain wondered who they were really saying it to—the villain, or themself.

“Better than who?”

“Everyone.” It was hushed, like a secret.

The villain watched them, waiting.

The hero took a shaky breath

“My whole thing is being the best. I have always been the best. That’s the only reason I matter. If I’m not strong enough, then I am nothing, so I need. to be. better.”

The hero had started crying, very quietly, like they were afraid to take up too much space.

The villain was not equipped to handle gifted kid burnout.

“There’s more to you than just being a good athlete,” the villain said hesitantly, and the hero shook their head.

“No. There isn’t.”

“Hero.”

“Can you give me back my electrical tape?” They hiccuped to contain a sob.

“No,” the villain said firmly, and then the hero really was sobbing.

“You don’t understand—“

The villain didn’t. Not really. They had never been the kind of talented that the hero was.

They wondered now if maybe that was a blessing.

“I don’t,” the villain agreed. “But I do understand that you’ve saved half the city, and you give everything you have to give, and you always do your best.”

“But I-“

“No.” The villain stopped them. “You are doing your best.” They tipped the hero’s chin up until they met the villain’s eyes. “And it is enough.”

The hero froze, eyes darting over the villain’s face. They wondered if anyone had ever said that to the hero, if whatever mentor they had was giving them anything other than orders to be stronger. Be better. Be more.

The villain had some new targets to take care of, it would seem.

For now, though, they had to take care of hero.

“We’re going to go wrap your hands,” they said softly. “And then we’re going to take care of your arms, and you’re going to take a nap.”

The hero nodded, watching them like they were some kind of good, selfless person.

“And if I ever catch you using electrical tape again, so help me, I will put you six feet under.”

That startled a laugh out of the hero, and they let the villain guide them to their feet.

“Fine.”

The villain turned to them. “Okay?”

Are you going to be alright?

The hero seemed to understand.

“Okay,” the hero agreed.

Yes.

And so, it was.

[larsnicklas]

man sacrifices his own blood for a four minute power play and no dice...

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

character who faces the horrors of all time to me screenshot redraw from s1 e3 Return of the Champion bc i am still obsessed with the flashbacks to Shiro's gladiator era that we get. well screenshot redraw and then I splashed some blood around. matt's is on the sword.

[higgs-the-god]

something about hurting...

[agnesandhilda]

last night I remembered that conservapedia exists and in a pique of brainrot I decided to see if they had an article on football. they do. and it's just as brainpoisoned and u.s-centric as you might imagine

the aside about lesbianism is bizarre, unprompted, and entirely unsourced, but that's just the magic of conservapedia

[the-blossica-fan]

Greetings!

I am curious, what happens to a character when they "die" in the battlefield? Like we know they don't actually die in a literal sense since we can still access them in the suitcase after the battle. But what do you think happens? Like what is the process?

My thoughts on how it works is like basketball. When a player gets injured heavily and cannot play anymore (like dying on the battlefield), then there is a timeout or foul and they are replaced by a player on the bench (or the 4th team member in their Udimo form). The injured player is immediately rushed for medical attention and the rest of team continues on without them.

For example, I remember a time when my sister was playing and Avgust passed away suddenly and Windsong came out of the suitcase from her Udimo form to replace him (he was quickly avenged). I also wonder what happens when a kid is injured like that. Will they rush them to Laplace like they did with Erick on her character anecdote (when she started losing conciousness and bleeding)? What would that scenario be like in Avgust's case?

Hello my friend!!

I feel like not only does it depend on the enemy but also the circumstances. Like, if you get defeated by a simple enemy that launches common arcane skills, it's not as dangerous and can be treated with simple healing spells.

I'll get into details after.

As for how, yeah it might be as simple as that, for us and the enemy. If we're going with the "arcanists randomly appear to kick ass" we can assume that when one gets injured or unable to fight anymore (due to whatever circumstances), another selected arcanist walks out to take their place while the other is escorted inside for treatment.

Same with our enemy because, as a common saying here goes: "Lo que es bueno pal pavo es bueno pa la pava" (it means if a thing applies to a certain group or person, it's valid to apply it to another group or person)

So you have to wait for your enemy to be carried away and replaced by another enemy, it's only fair.

I believe there's a small fear over sending young arcanists outside due to their arcanum and resistance. If someone like August were to get hurt by an ultimate, they'd have to carry him to the foundation for his safety and health. The foundation can provide a more thorough examination for the injured arcanists and the more gravely damaged, especially children who are under Tooth Fairy's jurisdiction.

The damage also depends on if it was an ultimate or if it was a normal attack, and also the type of enemy. A boss defeating your ally with an ultimate can and will get them to an emergency room unless they're known for applying shield or high resistance skills which may minimize, but not eliminate, all damage.

Kakania, Ezra and Eternity who damage themselves during attacks may receive a different treatment due to constant injuries. Semmelweis doesn't count as her body is different from a normal arcanist's, she might need to drink blood even if she's reluctant or doesn't want to.

Kids are less sent outside to fight unless the enemy doesn't cause as much damage.

And I haven't read Erick's anecdote 😓

In a more specific Avgust case, it's definitely a formal friend or Windsong (Vila doesn't cast any attack incantation so I'm not counting her) who takes his place and also helps the team carry him. If Vila is in the team, she has a harder time staying put so she applies health incantations almost immediately so Avgust can rush to Tooth Fairy (or in a more serious case, Laplace) with less pain. If she's not, you bet your life she's carrying that kid through the halls like a mad woman.

[good-beansdraws]

runs in, out of breath, and several years late to the teen emo anime phase of "oohh my fave is a killer and dangerous and in a straightjacket ooooohh"

[nonsensical-shitposting]

I’m replaying Bug Fables and I noticed that Kabbu moves his arm up and down quite a lot while he’s talking, so new idea: that’s due to a muscular injury from his first encounter with the Beast. Specifically, his side was wounded and didn’t heal properly, so now when he moves his spiracles/mouth to talk, it pulls at the muscles in his side and shoulder and forces his arm to bob up and down with it. The only way this doesn’t happen is if he’s being quiet or mumbling, he’s saying something consisting of sounds that’re made by only his spiracles or only his mouth, or if he’s actively straining to keep his arm from moving.

[wildwood-faun]

feeling :( but I know it's because my back is acting up again

[suffarustuffaru]

why otto was pissed off at julius (also - otto might have developed Control Issues???) (another arc 8 otto theory/analysis)

so this is a sequel to my other post on why otto is so pissed off at subaru (arc 8 ch 24) which. yeah this says a lot about otto either way given ive now made more than one analysis post about why hes being a Pissbaby HAH but anyway.

i think ottos anger at julius is super fascinating bc it seemingly comes out of nowhere, but i think it makes sense upon first glance. julius straightforwardly breaks the hard cold truth to subaru about how louis Has to die. otto snaps at julius bc of what you assume to be either 1. otto doesnt agree with louis dying and/or 2. otto doesnt want julius to say this because itll upset subaru. but then theres the answer that otto gives, which is: otto doesnt want an outsider to the emilia camp interfering with this matter because it affects the emilia camp the most.

we know that reasons 2 (subaru will be upset hearing that louis will most likely have to die) and 3 (otto doesnt want someone outside of emilia camp interfering) are True. the latter is obvious because otto himself is being truthful when he states that, and the former is likely true due to otto snapping at julius after julius says that louis has to die right to subarus face after subarus tried to defend louis, showing that subaru cares deeply for her. otto snapping at julius reads partially, to me at least, as him trying to defend subaru with all the energy of covering the ears on a child so they dont hear something Bad.

but only two chapters after otto first snaps at julius we learn that not only does otto agree with julius on louis needing to be dead, but otto agrees to the point where hes withholding information in order for the emilia camp to remain suspicious of louis and so louis is more likely to die. so it’s interesting that the Only Reasons otto gives to julius on why otto does not want julius interfering with emilia camp are 1. you are an outsider to this matter and 2. you are my enemy. otto is specifically very hostile to julius and anastasia Even After julius apologizes for interrupting in emilia camp matters - and otto Still pushes forward to emphasize that he considers julius and anastasia enemies.

for someone as politically savvy as otto, it's Off-putting that he takes such a passionate position against both julius and anastasia when he knows that theyre not only subarus friends, but theyre also strong allies to the emilia camp who aided them in arc 6 and are loyal enough to follow them into vollachia. so why is otto being so hostile to them when, if anything, it's a Detriment to be so hostile to your own camps allies?

but theres also something else about julius - otto specifically notes that julius "walks in the light" just as emilia and subaru do. despite being beaten down by life, they still choose to hold onto their idealism and their genuine desire to save people. but otto also notes that - unlike emilia and subaru - julius draws the line at louis, and, just like otto, julius figures that louis has to die. which is absolutely not something that julius does on the regular (ex novel readers will remember that julius felt saddened by balleroy dying), and otto recognizes that julius's idealism vs his desire to end louis are in conflict with each other. subaru, at the moment, is at the extreme end of idealism - the desire to save Everyone and go against all odds. otto is, at this point, at the extreme other end - otto is pragmatic and not only doesnt believe that everyone can be saved, but otto doesnt believe that he can have everything he wants, so he has to prioritize. julius, meanwhile, is the in between - julius is a knight that serves a pragmatic merchant himself, and while he wants to save people, he wants to kill louis. he recognizes that louis dying is the cleanest outcome, with a suitable punishment for her actions, and for that reason it has to happen. otto seems uncomfortable by this because he sincerely believes that his path is the best one to take, even though it isnt necessarily morally right - meaning that he figures that he has to oppose subaru and emilia in order to move forward. but then julius comes along and challenges everything ottos thinking by being this blend of subaru and ottos beliefs.

but what is ottos path? otto wants everything to go the way that he plans, which may or may not align with emilia and subarus desires. otto wants it to align with the emilia camps desires because he cares for them and his loyalty to them dictates so much of his actions. but that same loyalty has been leading him to take increasingly excessive actions in the name of trying to keep them safe, both physically and politically, and in his head, keeping his camp safe doesnt Always align with what the rest of his camp wants. keeping his camp safe means doing so even at the cost of going behind his camp's backs. keeping his camp safe means that he's going to keep them safe even if they become upset at his actions.

thats because ottos had this small habit (thats been. steadily growing) of doing what he thinks is best with little to no communication with the rest of his camp. he saved roswaal's tome and kept it hidden from the rest of his camp for a year. he did this out of his continued wariness of roswaal and he plans to restore the book just to find the information in it - and once hes done that, he plans to destroy the book again so that it doesnt fall into the wrong hands. being suspicious of roswaal is understandable, but keeping the fact that he grabbed the tome secret for a year is Definitely a little sketchy. and it doesnt help matters that that same tome he brought into priestella lures the witch cult into the city.

on top of that, theres of course ottos scheming so that the emilia camp agrees to help vollachia in a way that He Wants, along with otto purposefully withholding information about louis. On Top of That, it's not just that ottos withholding information + wanting louis dead - those are already slightly questionable enough, but additionally otto is well aware that subaru cares deeply for louis. otto has not voiced his desire for louis to die and has hidden information that could help save louis's life. theres absolutely No Way that otto doesnt know that if/once louis dies, subaru will be Very distraught by this, but otto keeps going anyway out of pragmatism - out of the thought that subaru will have to eventually get over louis dying, because otto has weighed the possible costs and benefits in his head and hes decided that killing louis has less consequences even though itd deeply upset subaru. thats what walking in the dark means - otto will oppose subaru and emilia out of practicality, because what will actually keep them safe in ottos opinion might not align with what they actually want to do. ottos position in arc 8 thus far implies that hes willing to betray his friends if it means keeping them safe.

this is even more interesting when you bring up a certain quote from the bittersweet peddling trade log side story - otto notes: "But wouldn't I have nightmares if I forsook a person who has done nothing wrong?"

and what is he doing in arc 8? he tried to forsake almost, if not all 50 million people in vollachia. hes trying to forsake someone he knows is innocent now (louis). he's trying to save subaru, but at the same time hes forsaking subaru by withholding information that could potentially save louis. hes tried to forsake julius and anastasia in the sense that his words carry weight as internal affairs minister of the emilia camp and he just declared them - loyal allies to his camp -his enemies.

the thing is - otto is a hypocrite. in more ways than one. otto tells subaru to depend on his friends more in arc 4 - which was the Big Speech of arc 4 - only to turn around and do various things behind his own friends' backs in the name of trying to save them. only to turn around and announce julius and anastasia aka allies to his camp are Enemies. otto snaps at julius to back away as julius is an "outsider" - and while julius is an outsider in the sense that hes not part of emilia camp, everyone reading the novels knows that julius himself has been majorly fucked over by louis and therefore has more than earned the right to have a say in what happens to her. otto remains suspicious of roswaal, understandably, only to agree with todds tactics in arc 7 and make strategies himself (his Leaving Vollachia and only taking who you care about plan) that roswaal agrees with. otto is the one snapping back at roswaal and insisting that roswaals only telling him that opposing subaru and emilia is a poison that will Kill Him because roswaal wants otto to be less difficult and more Compliant so that roswaal can get up to his own schemes - as if otto himself isnt making his own schemes in his head. otto knows that things like his plan to ditch vollachia is callous and hurts innocent people, especially after seeing roswaal agree with his tactics, and he feels guilty for this. but he keeps going anyway, which will likely end up proving roswaal right. the roswaal + otto and todd + otto parallels are Extremely purposeful, especially with the vollachia saga (arc 7-8) where one of the themes is about whether you can truly save everyone without sacrificing morality.

julius might be the proof that there is some sort of middle ground between subaru and ottos worldviews and strategies. you can do unpleasant things that may need to be done while still remaining kind and trying to save as many as you can - instead of abandoning them.

but ottos been Excessively harsh to julius, anastasia, and even roswaal and subaru. getting so angry at someone that you punch a wall hard enough to break your hand not just once, but nearly twice, is Excessive, especially when subarus goal is ultimately just trying to save people. and i think you could also attribute ottos Harshness to the stress hes under right now. otto is - friendly reminder, hah - the same guy who gets anxious easily to the point where his stomach hurts. he gets anxious over paperwork. he gets anxious over his friends and their. lacking. negotiation skills. hes always been Very Loud in his complaints whenever they do things hes not happy with. he admits that hes lost weight because of stress at the BEGINNING of arc 5 (otto, im so sorry but you literally havent gone through all of arc 5+ yet). his drinking is also to cope with stress (our introduction to him in arc 3 is otto coping with his new debt by drinking in a bar). so - otto is Easily anxious. over a lot of things. by the time we get to arc 8, hes gone through a Lot to get here. and stress does Not look good on otto.

where do control issues stem from? yeah, ottos main motivator is to save his camp, but past that, hes tired of not having control. in ch 24 he questions himself - he questions his purpose and his existence and he comes to the conclusion that his meaning for existence is to oppose subaru. subaru, at his core, is all about exerting his will - he brute forces the outcomes he wants because of rbd.

otto, meanwhile, is left to be dragged into danger again and again. ottos life is already out of his control often because of his bad luck and because of his dp making life difficult for him in his formative years - and now hes been dragged into danger repeatedly the moment he got involved with subaru. arc 5 in particular, however, was partially a consequence of otto bringing the tome to priestella - but its a consequence that he didnt expect at all. ottos legs were injured severely by gluttony, leaving him out of commission with no choice but to watch subaru and some of their camp walk away to the watchtower to face more danger without otto being able to be there to make sure theyre safe (otto specifically tells subaru at the end of arc 5 that hes Very Unhappy with this decision). then otto has to go to vollachia to save rem and subaru, only to arrive there and realize that subaru wants to stay to help vollachia. otto goes - fine. if thats what you want, ill help. and then otto finds out that subarus trying to defend gluttony. otto, i think, has grown increasingly resentful of the danger he and his friends have been put in (which is a mix of factors Out of their Control, but its also just. his friends sometimes deciding to do dangerous things as well), so hes developed this mentality that its him and his camp versus everyone else. it all boils down to the thought he has that he cant have both. and if his friends are really going to try to have both, hes going to try to do what he thinks is best. because if they keep trying to pick the more dangerous options - ie the worse options, in ottos opinion - then hes going to make more decisions behind their backs. because hes not gonna trust them to make the decisions that he thinks are the better ones, because its not in Their Nature to do so.

but its in his nature to do that. what do you do when something grows out of control? you try to exert control. theres also the possibility of: why keep allies to your camp around when they encourage your camp to continue staying in vollachia? how can you trust them if theyre going to interrupt on your internal camp affairs?

which is why he grows angry at julius for trying to interfere - because being the internal affairs minister to the emilia camp is otto's job, and he doesnt want someone outside of the camp interfering with his friends and any possible plans he has or will have. this is also why julius apologizes to otto - he recognizes ottos protectiveness and ottos status within his camp.

so. anyway. TLDR: ottos acting a little similar to arc 4 subaru, isnt he? thinking he knows whats best.... trying to manipulate everything around him to get the outcome he wants..... pushing forward on his own instead of depending on his friends..... refusing to depend on his friends.... having Confrontations with roswaal...... etc, etc.

[kittlyns]

.

[chronal-anomaly]

Someone put the doomfist fight on my Twitter timeline time to be annoying

[nokingsonlyfooles]

I Dunno What to Do

CW: I'm going to add a picture of a burn one of my healthcare providers gave me, just to express what's going on in general. I'll put everything under a cut.

Tonight, over a phone appointment (because she doesn't think I'm complicated enough to need an in-person appointment) the gynecologist flat out told me that thyroid and estrogen do not interact with each other (not true), that because I had a total hysterectomy I produce "no hormones" and when I sputtered and said I produce lots of hormones, she clarified that I produce no estrogen or progesterone (also not true), and she doesn't deal with anything other than "hot flashes, night sweats and vaginal dryness." That is not the nature of my symptoms - I am experiencing pain, and I told her that more than once, but I didn't get any traction until I started saying, "hot flashes, night sweats and vaginal dryness" like she wanted. The spouse thought I should make a point of reiterating that my symptoms are atypical, but she cut me off before I could even start.

It's really convenient that I have three doctors "working together" (ha-ha) on this, because nothing is ever any one doctor's responsibility. It's always someone else's problem. I said, "The progesterone helped my pain but increased my anxiety." She said, "Progesterone decreases anxiety." (Once again, not true. It can, but it can also make anxiety worse.) "That sounds like it could be something to do with your thyroid. Until you stabilize your thyroid, we won't know which symptoms are caused by what." I couldn't tell her that my thyroid meds have been stable since last September and the only thing that changed was the progesterone. I physically couldn't - if you cut me off enough times and keep saying things that don't make any sense, my words'll dry up like a wash in the desert - but I don't think it would've made any difference if I handed the phone to the spouse and let him explain. Not a good difference.

Then, in the end, she told me to stop increasing and decreasing my dosage trying to feel better, because it would mess with my thyroid and... I was the one who said that. I contradicted her when she said my thyroid had nothing to do with her. But when she wanted to control my behaviour, she threw it back in my face like she knew and I didn't.

I know my pain is increased and decreased by the hormones I'm taking, because I've been taking various combinations of hormones for years now. No estrogen or progesterone at all, which happened during the early days of the pandemic, caused the worst pain imaginable. I couldn't wear a shirt. I was taping my breasts and wearing sports bras two sizes too small just to keep them compressed and out of the way so nothing would touch them. I did that so much the tape cut my skin. Estrogen and progesterone lessen that pain, but I still have pain.

I've changed the way I carry my whole body and sleep because of this pain. I am always hunching to protect my stupid tits, and I don't reach across my upper body or hold things against my chest or let people hug me, even when I have a good day and they don't hurt so much. I'm that used to it. Because I'm not getting consistent care. And this tortured posture is contributing to my shoulder pain. Now that I've managed to wring estrogen AND progesterone out of this reluctant doctor ("You don't need progesterone unless you have a uterus. It'll make your breast pain worse. You might gain weight." *pointed look*) it hurts less, and I tripped over some exercises that are helping, but my shoulder has been hurting for years now too.

And that brings me back to my family doctor, who is supposed to take the lead and coordinate all these things, and who, in fact, gatekept me from a hormone specialist of any kind for over a year, and then referred me to these people who don't listen and don't seem to understand very basic things about hormones. At least, the gynecologist doesn't - or she's trying to dumb it down so much that she's not making any sense. I hold out some small hope the endocrinologist will see reason if I sit down and explain what's going on, but I won't see him again until March.

But, the very first referral I got from my family doctor was for the shoulder pain. He sent me to a chiropractor. She did multiple adjustments that made my shoulder numb, and burned my back with the TENS unit, probably by using dirty pads or failing to clean my skin before applying them.

Oh, and she didn't tell me. She sent me home, and I noticed the stabbing pain in my shoulder seemed a bit worse. When I looked in the bathroom mirror, I saw this:

I took a picture so I could show her, but I decided not to go back. I went to the family doctor and said, "That chiropractor you sent me to burned my back with the TENS unit" and the response was *crickets*. A blank look and it was back to "prescribing" me more herbs and supplements. He didn't even look at it.

I have scar tissue back there now, and nerve damage that's making it harder to address the original issue. I tried to get healthcare, I didn't ask the right questions or push back hard enough, and I got hurt even worse. Story of my life.

He's still pressuring me to take "sea kelp" because "it has trace minerals." It also has iodine. Lots of it. I told him I wasn't going to take any more iodine because the endocrinologist he sent me to told me it could shut down my thyroid. So now he's telling me to take sea kelp for trace minerals, like I couldn't possibly remember the iodine part. No, I'm not that stupid. I went along with the herbs for a while, too long, because that was the only thing he was offering me, and traditional medicine hadn't helped much at that point. No, turns out I didn't need unregulated OTC supplements, I needed to keep making a pest of myself until I got some real medicine. And I'm still doing that.

I just want to get better. It's hard enough putting in the effort to get better when I've gone through so much medical neglect and so many problems have piled up without being addressed. But I can't put all my energy into self care, or even most of it. I gotta fight my doctors, and do research, and piss them off by questioning their judgment again and again and again.

I suspect my family doctor is al the root of this. He doesn't care, and he refers me to other doctors who don't care. (Except the vision specialist, I found her myself. But the problem with her is, my eye thing is so uncommon most optometrists don't know about it. So I'm stuck with her too.) But I can't get rid of him unless I move to another city... or find another family doctor who's taking new patients, but there aren't any. And the clinics that fill prescriptions and do referrals won't treat me behind his back. I went to one. I tried. "You have a family doctor, he knows you better." No, he doesn't. And if he keeps treating me this way, he's gonna kill me. Or one of 'em is.

I've had doctors try to kill me before. One of 'em got me to take a dose of iron that would've put me in the hospital if a random pharmacist hadn't caught it and told me to stop. This here Canadian healthcare is the best I've ever gotten.

And, oh my god, that is terrifying.

I'm going to make an in-person appointment with the endocrinologist and lay it on the line for him: "This is what's happening. I'm getting contradictory treatment from three sources and my life is in danger. I don't have the authority to sort you out. If you can't take charge of this mess, no one else will." But if that doesn't work, or if he cuts me off before I even say it and goes, "I only treat thyroids" I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I don't like that so much of the fallout lands on my spouse. He lost someone due to this kinda neglect and I do not like hammering his trauma buttons. So I'm venting here, but I don't like doing that either. My problems are so persistent and so stupid that I sound like a scam artist or a nut. (Look, they dropped Agent Orange on my dad and didn't tell him until I was in my thirties. That's at least one big reason my body doesn't work right. I didn't even have a chance.) And he's gonna read this and get upset anyway.

But this is how I'm best able to say things, in text, and I need to say it. Maybe if I practice it here, I'll be able to explain it better to the endocrinologist. Or maybe someone'll see it and tell me some Canadian method of getting rid of an awful doctor that I'm unaware of. Other than waiting for him to get disbarred or die, ya know?

This is essentially the situation I grew up in: the people who are supposed to take care of me don't want to, but they're going to smile and say they are, and any problems I may be having are all my own fault. If I want care, I gotta steal it like Coyote grabbing fire off the gods. 'Cos I need that shit to live. But that takes so much social engineering and effort and I'm so damn tired. I'm not a Trickster or a Hero. I'm hurt. I've been hurt a long time. I ain't never gonna be "normal" but what I've managed to claw out of this broke-ass system proves that I can get better.

If they'd only let me.

[thereareeyesinsidethetrees]

ae don’t know how many of our followers like biology as much as we do

but. the channel all.about.nature1987 is really good and calm and we would absolutely recommend it for that subject. they do talk a lot about extinct animals and plants (ae’ve yet to hear fungi mentioned except for. chytrid fungi. which as we all know is the worst kind of fungi there is)

but they also talk a lot about species that were saved from extinction or newly discovered or just stuff about them in general. like rn ae’m watching a video they made that goes really into depth about how the okapi was scientifically accepted and classified as a species

this isn’t an ad or anything ae just desperately want more folks to enjoy aey hyperfixation as much as ae do