#this world is cruel so i wont be - literally her | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

fairycosmos · 10 months ago

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I'm sorry to do this bc I know you get so many ppl venting and you have your own shit to deal with and yet ppl on here constantly implicitly ask you to console them which is incredibly emotionally labour intensive. However all that being said. I found out my cat who is 9 but is very young looking and active and shows no sign of pain or suffering has large cell lymphoma (general prognosis 6-9 months) and I'm literally broken. She's my best friend. I've been through years where I've had no friends but I've always had her and she's everything to me and I've known a lot of cats who live to late teens so I had expected that for her and this has come out of nowhere and is just so soul destroying because she is my whole world and I love her so so much. she's literally saved my life (have been at the point of kms so many times but didn't for her) and now she probably wont be here next year and I don't know how to keep existing without her and I didn't know who else to tell. I really appreciate your kind and honest presence on this site it's very cleansing and healing and ik this is a parasocial thing to say/feel but you are like a friend to so many. so thanks. even just having a space to say this stuff is invaluable. You have helped and comforted and offered love and insight to so many people despite your own suffering. Much love to you, I hope the universe treats you with lots of kindness going forward.

i am so so sorry to hear this - sometimes i honestly can't believe how cruel life can be. i wish there was something tangible i could say that would make a change to what you're feeling but my experience with grief (all types of grief esp preemptive grief like what you're dealing with) has proven to me that words often ring hollow when you're going through it. i do want to offer some understanding and some comfort despite that, i just know it may be hard for you to register right now and that's alright. losing a pet is so so deeply painful and it's completely normal to be devastated and taken aback by this news - anyone would be. at the same time it sounds like your cat is deeply lucky to have you and to be loved so completely by someone. while what you're both going through is horrific, i am so glad she has you to take care of her and that she ended up having a wonderful life with you - the gift you have given her and continue to give her every day just by being her owner is huge and i hope you continue to remind yourself that as you confront there next few months. she is warm and fed and taken care of and she has the best chance of living longer with her condition bc of the care and love you continue to show her. i know this is much much easier said than done but please try to take it one day at a time and make every moment count with her - it's easy to get lost in the idea of losing her but she is still here and you still have time together, albeit not as much time as you both deserve. i can't stand how much of a gamble of luck everything seems to be and how horrible things happen to ppl and animals who truly deserve so much more - that anger, despair and incredulity still hits me day after day and i feel it very hard on your behalf rn. you have every right in the world to process that sense of feeling like your soul has been destroyed on whatever timeline works for you. as long as you continue to move forward, hour to hour or minute to minute despite it all.

are you able to talk to any friends/family about this? i only ask bc pet loss is one of the hardest things in the world to go through and i think having some sort of super system could make the days feel a little more manageable. if not, please feel free to message me and share updates, stories, vents etc about your cat and how you're doing - i lost my childhood dog a few yrs back and i do understand. it's such a heavy feeling to carry around with you all the time. i would also recommend joining a pet loss support group as another option too, bc so so many people sadly completely get what youre going through. i hope your little girl is doing OK today and that you are taking care of yourself as much as you feel able to as you process this news. if you need to break down, go to sleep, scream, punch pillows, be numb - that's alright. there's no wrong way to react to this. i just hope you give yourself some grace as you do. sending so so much love to you both - and thank you so much for the insanely kind words by the way. you didn't have to say that and it really made my night better that you did. so sorry you're in this position. X

#anon #ask chloe

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pureasthedrivensn0w · 10 months ago

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Forever is the Sweetest Con // Part 1

omgomgomg this is my first time ever posting to tumblr.com and i am nervoussss. i’ve been a lurker for years (literally like since i was 12) and i’ve always wanted to share my writing but i’ve been too scared!!! but i decided to say fuck it and post some of my stuff. i’m obsessed w the hunger games, so that’s what this first post is based on! it’s totally self indulgent, but it’s probably going to turn into a series, so suggestions and feedback is super welcome and appreciated! i prob wont get any readers but that’s ok i just want to get my work out there and continue this hobby! anyway if you’re reading this i love you!!!

TW: Death, slight descriptions of gore, sadness

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆ .　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

The capitol says the dark days are behind us now. We have entered a new era, an era of peace. Any trace of an uprising was squandered. Any small act of defiance, intentional or not, is met with cruel and unusual punishment. We are lucky the capitol hasn’t done more to punish us, given the harm we did. The world could have ended. We should be grateful.

Anyone who steps foot in any of the districts will see that that is not true. Mention peace to a citizen of district eleven and he will laugh in your face. Talk about gratitude to a district eight worker and she will avoid you at all costs. In the districts, there is no such thing as gratitude, peace, tranquility, happiness. There is only survival.

When you think of survival to it’s core, the barren bones, the tired eyes, the heavy limbs, you are picturing the citizens of district twelve. The twelfth district in Panem specialized in coal mining, which is not only an incredibly dangerous industry, but incredibly taxing as well. The men go to the mines from 6 in the morning to 7 at night. Monday through friday. No breaks, no exceptions, the only time you are excused is if you are actively dying.

Roslyn Sage grew up in this environment. But she also grew up in a different world. The world of the covey. She looks back at her early days with fondness, remembering the times she would hold hands with her older sister and cousin and harmonize to the songs their elders taught them. Or braiding grass baskets with her mother. Or sitting on her fathers shoulders while they traveled from district to district.

“Papa, I’m hungry.” She remembers saying, playing with his long hair as he walked with the rest of the band. They didn’t know where they were going, they never did, and they liked it that way. “I know, sweet thing.” he said softly, keeping his eyes trained on the stretch of land in front of them. The covey never looks back, that’s what her papa said.

They were nearing four days of travel. They had just left district 8, spending two months there. They had a few injured, with the war going on all around them. They needed time to reciprocate, recharge. But they were always safest in the trees. That’s what papa said. So they left. Her uncle still needed a walking stick, and her grandfather couldn’t hear out of his left ear, but they needed to leave.

Roslyn Sage didn’t understand the complete reasoning. Her papa said it wasn’t safe, and that was all. They needed to get somewhere where they could sing. And sing they did. As they walked, she could hear her older sister sing one of the band’s favorite songs to pass the time. “Well there’s a dark and a troubled side of life,” Lucy Gray sang, as she held hands with four year old Maude Ivory, “There’s a bright and a sunny side too.”

Roslyn Sage grinned as her papa started to sing along, and then mama. Her uncle joined, then nana. “Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side. Keep on the sunny side of life! It will help us every day, it will brighten all the way if we keep on the sunny-“

Papa stopped so suddenly that Roslyn Sage swore she could’ve fallen off his shoulders. He reached forward and grabbed Lucy Gray’s arm, a silent way to get her to stop singing. “Papa, why’d we-“ “Quiet.” Papa whispered back harshly, as all the grownups looked ahead. When Roslyn Sage finally looked up to see what they were staring at, she felt her heart sink into her stomach. Even at seven years old, she knew this wasn’t good.

Peacekeepers. Sure- just a group of five, not a whole team, but enough. Big, strong, grown men who could take them easily. Everyone in the group knew this. Papa’s hand tightened around Lucy Gray’s arm and mama quickly scooped up Maude Ivory. “Wasn’t expecting to see anyone out here.” One peacekeeper said, a small frown on his face. He couldn’t have been older than 18. In fact- they all looked that young. One stepped forward, deciding to take the lead in the situation. “You’re past boundaries.” He said, his hand resting on the gun in his holster. “That’s against the law now.”

“We don’t want any trouble.” Papa said, his back straight even though Roslyn Sage could feel his heart pounding from here. “We’re traveling folk- we must’ve been away when that law was passed.” But they weren’t, she knew they weren’t. She had been half-asleep one day, cuddled in between Maude Ivory and Lucy Gray, when she heard the grown ups whispering about it. But she knew better than to say that. “Lead us to the nearest district and then-“

A twig snapped and the entire group looked up to see uncle Sam Flint running as fast as he could. He was only 14, he was foolish. Papa almost ran for it, screaming his youngest brothers name, but it was too late. The youngest peacekeeper had already gotten his gun, aimed, and shot. Sam Flint hit the floor in an instant. Even from here, Roslyn Sage could see the blood pouring out of his head.

“Now don’t take that-“ Papa was right back in defense mode, pulling Lucy Gray behind him. They already lost one, they couldn’t lose another. The peacekeeper who had shot Sam Flint looked shaken up but the tragedy only made the one in charge more upset. He held up his gun, and when he did, so did the rest. All five peacekeepers had their fully loaded rifles aimed at the group. “One step and you’re-“ her aunt let out a broken sob, holding her baby to her chest.

It all happened so fast. If you were to ask the covey children about what really happened that day, you wouldn’t get anywhere near a real answer. All Roslyn Sage could really remember was her aunts face as the bullet hit her chest, how her papa tried to catch the baby, mama’s scream as she reached for Lucy Gray before being dragged away, papa’s eyes as he laid in her lap, holding her hand until his last breath.

Lucy Gray tells her that the peacekeepers weren’t willing to kill the children. In a twisted way, they thought they were victims of the covey and not the captiol. After papa was gone, the one who killed Sam Flint picked her up. She was kicking and screaming, too young to comprehend that her father was gone regardless of if she was next to him or not. The punched his back, kicked his stomach, even tried to bite. The boy carrying her had tears streaming down his cheeks. Roslyn had never had any desire to hurt someone in her life, until now.

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braimrotting · 1 year ago

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My playlist as QSMP

(warning im shit at english lang so my interpretation of songs may be way off... im also ace and often miss romantic implication so.. yeah if a song has lyrics which are like about an s/o and i havent specified i probably dont mean for it to be shipping)

songs included: tongues & teeth (the crane wives), pink in the night (mitski), gb eating gb whilst listening to gb (crywank), going to brighton (fresh)

TONGUES & TEETH - The Crane Wives hideduo fit pov fit as a self serving survivalist from a wasteland experiencing love in this cursed fuckin island • "ive grown a mouth so sharp and cruel its all that i can give to you my dear" habits from 2b2t even little things like his lack of trust, hasnt confided his true intentions to anyone - constant lies by omission - hes flawed and hes recognised it • "if you're fine with that you can be mine like that" theres very much something going on with hideduo but fit is insistent on his baby steps bc he doesnt want to hurt pac. 'are you fine with that?' • "you gotta know that this wont last" this is soooo fit coded bffr. i adored the conversations fit n ramon had but one thing that stuck out to me was that he would always specify that only he and ramon would escape. never mentioned anyone else. selfish in the most understandable way • "i will ruin you, its a habit i cant help it" again 2b2t ingrained habits that never leave. linked w above point, hes selfish and that isnt necessarily a bad thing just not great for a blossoming relationship • "i will love u like the ashes in my cigarette box" hc 2b2t!fit smoked - ramon told him off once but now that the baby's gone hes picked it up again, a headcanon bc i cannot imagine ccfit smoking since hes such a health buff - feels so out of character lmao strong thoughts about qfit no one even try to fight me - his entire character occupies a space in my brain PINK IN THE NIGHT - Mitski phissa missa pov devotion easy • "i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you" • "can i try again and again and again" i dont think i need to say more - tbh this could go for guapoduo too but the "can i try again" made me think of missa + how he wants to live up to phils expectations

GB EATING GB WHILST LISTENING TO GB - Crywank phissa still missa pov

"in a busy room youre all i see" literally THEM sorry during the mexican independence event they were literally all they could see.. them doing the dance together - it may as well have just been the 2 of them + phil jumping in front of missa to take pics of him alone w/o him noticing

"calm down dont let her see how fast your heart is beating" missa saying "im speaking weird so the translator doesnt pick up, i love you" THIS GUYYYYYYYY

"i think about you but i know im not good enough" bffr mr missa "ill come back when im a good enough father" sinfonia

"and I built you up to much, now I can't say what's on my mind in case I go and scare you away" missa doesnt want to burden phil because he feels like hes been such a bad father compared to phils dedication - now that hes back he doesnt want to disappoint him anymore

"and how could i compete with the world at your feet" missa coming back to like 3 men at phils whim LMAO

"i wouldn't want to hurt you by letting you hurt me you don't deserve to feel guilty"

"i just want you in my life"

sorry im so obsessed with their puppy love GOING TO BRIGHTON - Fresh tubbo coded, i mean with the name i had to give it to him in my mind hes talkin to phil • "things i care the most about dont seem to ever get old" his excitement over everything even the simplest things is so refreshing • "i feel the fire inside me trains passing over head" his determination posing a unique threat to the feds and i feel like its such an important part of his character. also he likes trains :) • "there are things i learnt inside my head that they cant ever take away from me" lil bugs and just knowledge of the game make him a great bug tester for the admins lmao. this guy takes any chance to glitch his way through life

"starting over is a sign of strength"

also honorary mention to that one person who said the garden was codebreakerduo coded because you are so right and true and based and i think of that post everytime i listen to that song. being so normal by peach pit was very celltw (is that what pac and cellbit are called?) to me but i didnt really have much reasoning

#qsmp #qsmp philza #qsmp fitmc #qsmp tubbo #qsmp missa #qsmp cellbit #im so qsmp brained i cant even listen to my music without thinking of these cubitos #hekp

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swoomoo · 4 months ago

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Amare got called the fuck out by her ghoul last session so hard that I ooc was speechless and didn't know how to respond. I just went "......yeah".

This is a bit wordy as I am talking about my emotional state around the game.

So, if you didn't know. Amare's ghoul Koda is the one that was dominated and blew half of Vesper's face off. Amare freaked out and tried to cut his head off because of it. I was however, 1 die short and just gashed his throat open. She wasn't going to save him until Niccolo said that the whole thing would bother Vesper if he knew she did that. She begrudgingly saved him.

Afterward, once Vesper recovered, she was thankful Koda was alive because she does love Koda and felt horrible that she crossed a line she thought she never would have. She thought she was better than other Lasombra in this way.

Koda was in the hospital for a while and came back with a bit of pep in his step. Before, he was very quiet, monotone and surface level. Afterward, he was obviously pissed at Amare and let her know it (He even has a dragon-breath shotgun he was sure to point out to her). He didn't want to leave her though because he still cared about her.

Koda used to be in the FBI and specifically met Amare when she was 18. She had just escaped the (secret) blood-cult she grew up in and he helped get her situated with moving on (relocating, changing her name etc.) He is the only father figure she has ever had. Amare ghouled him because she has issues with letting things that make her feel human go.

Amare has had an (over the top I admit) tragic, cruel and sad life so when she finds anything that makes her happy, she refuses to let it go. It is actually why she had a very difficult time adapting to the Sabbat (and eventually fled). Koda was the first thing that brought her any sort of stability which at that time was a foreign concept to her. So without going on too long about it, she does care a lot about him.

Amare stayed back to talk to him last session while the others stepped out. She was going to ask him what he wanted for the future and how she could help him accomplish it. Just moments prior, he heard her say, "I cannot think of any uses for him so you can just kill him". This was scourge business and she was talking to the sheriff in regards to a kindred that was breaking progeny and hospitality that she staked and brought in.

Koda was like, "Hey that is not a normal thing to say. You are really starting to lose yourself." Amare tried to retort "I have no sympathy for kindred, we are not actual people anymore and all we do is hurt actual people. The less of us there are around, the better. I know this because I am on of them. I likely wont be here for very long but if I can make the world slightly better, than so be it. I've been thinking, and I want to reconnect with the things I used to do... the journalism, like activism stuff. I want to try and start exposing corruption in the church again."

Koda nodded to the second portion but told her, "Don't give me this, 'your a monster and not a person' bullshit. You are still a person. If you weren't then you wouldn't want to help people still, you wouldn't have asked me to stay with you, you wouldn't have adopted your daughter, you wouldn't have tracked Vesper halfway across the world. I am staying by you because I want to be around you and I will not work for a monster."

"......yeah". It's all I could think to say. I feel both Amare and I would only really be able to think that in the moment because he was right and in character, out of character I just knew it. I literally couldn't argue. Thankfully he had more to say.

He basically went on how he had two rules for us to work together. The first was basically not to attack him, and the second was to take him along with her more often. The second one really took me by surprise but I was there for it. He wanted to be close to her more often, and not just on ghoul duty. We have to break into somewhere after this so I invited him and he hopped up and tagged along.

I didn't write Koda to have a lot of personality or give him a deep characterization when I wrote my backstory because I knew the ST was going to have a LOT of work at the start of the campaign. I gave him motive and connection to Amare but I never expected him to become a legitimate character to this extent. He is literally 1 of 3 currently in London that knows Amare's real name and is only 1 of 3 people to have known her while she was alive.

I think my story teller really wanted to show that he still saw Amare as his daughter and was super protective over her and I think that might have done me in emotionally?? It is sweet and I guess I am sensitive around family concepts with acceptance but it was a really nice feeling and despite last session being really slow in terms of action and events, I have been stuck on this. I am excited to continue to explore their relationship but the power dynamic is unsettling still and honestly fucked up but I suppose it wouldn't be WoD without that.

#tw violence #amare #vtm oc #cheryl rambles

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transfemlogan · 6 months ago

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if i had proof/evidence i would’ve shared it literal years ago. i’m just trying to prevent anyone else from getting hurt by him. and after how everyone has handled this, i really don’t think opening my heart up and bleeding out for an angry mob who has been nothing but violent is in any way safe, especially since i’m not lucky enough to be able to “prove” it. they’ve made it clear they’ll never listen anyway. why bother…

the death threats concerns is because i was sent countless death threats and kms’s for literally nothing at all by fanders even when i was still with thomas. it kinda ruined fandom for me altogether and i can’t even engage much in any fandom anymore (not even for my special interests :( )because of it. i was anticipating that happening again. and i wasn’t exactly wrong.

i wont be coming back here so if you say anything to me i won’t see it. i don’t know how much more my damn heart can take. i just wanted to protect you all from him so he couldn’t ever hurt anyone else ever again. it hurts that everyone’s response is so cruel. just let me help you…

thanks for the donation btw. i’ll post proof on twitter of using it for necessities once i get everything i currently have going on sorted out. it’ll help, i do appreciate it. thanks

(sorry you were abused and disbelieved. sending solidarity. NO ONE should need to provide proof/evidence or share every gory detail or be able to perform the perfect victim or whatever to be believed. let’s build a world where it’s as simple as saying “this individual abused me” so no one ever goes through this again, shall we?)

hi, atlas. i know you said you won't see this if I reply, but that's alright.

i will be taking what you say in good faith. i know most people aren't, for obvious reasons, but any feelings I have on this ask or you I will not state.

I'm sorry for whatever happened to you. and it sucks not being able to prove yourself to others. Attempting to speak out, only to get ridiculed and attacked is one of the most scary things about trying to speak. Again, I can 100% relate as someone who grew up in an abusive household and was in an abusive relationship. I hope you can find the help that you need & I hope my donation helped at all.

I will say, however, creating a world where someone can just say something and have it be believed no matter what is not a world I want to live in. Which I know is hard for a lot of people to understand, because S/A & abuse is one of the worse things someone can do and whoever does it deserves a neverending punishment, but people are liars. And while people who lie abt S/A & abuse are a very small amount of people, it still happens.

And there's a different set of "rules" when it comes to certain situations. I expect my friends and family to believe me about my abuse, but I don't expect strangers to about another stranger without any proof. If my abuser somehow became super famous, I do not expect them to believe me immediately without any evidence, bexause anyone can just say anything.

(Plus, I'd argue not every situation is black and white— yes, my ex emotionally abused me and caused trauma that I still deal with today after 5 fucking years, but I do not view her as an abuser. We were both children and it was her first relationship. She was just a very insecure person and we were surrounded by the wrong group of friends. That's my specific situation, obviously, but me-a-year after it happened and me-5-years-later both have very differing views on the situation.)

I hope you can heal through whatever this is.

#ask #sa tw #abuse tw

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powerpolyculeshowdown · 2 years ago

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Lime for the poll runners’ ask game?

Lime -> participant(s) you’re rooting for the most?

i don't want to sway the votes so i won't do any propaganda for them after the poll starts BUT it's Wu Zetian/Li Shimin/Gao Yizhi from Iron Widow i just love the way their relationship develops so much and as someone whos unable to actually pick up a book and focus on it, the fact that i read iron widow in 4 days is amazing im still proud of that as silly as it is

yknow what ill use this as an opportunity to ramble about them askdgakdjk spoilers ahead but ill try to keep the major stuff out

for context the book has pacific rim style mechas, but instead of being drift compatible or whatever its usually a male pilot and his concubine whose life force he usually drains in order to pilot the thing, but theres a LOT of propaganda that makes girls want to be concubines, or families might wanna send their daughters for the money. im simplifying it a LOT especially cause theres more info u only learn later on as zetian herself finds out but anyway

at the start of the book zetian and yizhi are besties who obviously have feelings for each other. zetian is poor while hes very rich so their friendship is kind of a secret and they meet in the woods which i think is cute, point is its p clear zetian tries to mantain a distance, not allowing herself to admit her feelings. for reasons i wont say zetian decided to become a concubine to one of the like bigger more badass guys even if she doesnt believe the propaganda and knows she might die, she only tells yizhi this the day before

he shows up at her house the next day begging her family to let him marry her?????? which is sweet because he wants to protect her but that isnt gonna work bestie sorry she's a woman w a mission

so anyway she goes to the concubine thing and shes surprisingly powerful "for a girl" which yeah thats a super common trope but shes so much more than just the strong protagonist. shes extremely powerful in every sense of the word imo and i love her so much and i wish the world hadnt been so cruel that she had to become so strong. but anyway the guy she wants to pilot w picks her. MAJOR SPOILER they have to pilot the mecha on day 1 cause they're under attack and uhhh she kills him lol lmao she drains her life force instead which supposedly is UNHEARD OF

so they cant just kill her off cause that'd look bad instead they send her to be the concubine of the strongest guy (all of his concubines die after 1 fight) and thats Li Shimin my beloved my little meow meow hes looked down on and kinda treated like an animal cause hes a criminal and the only reason he gets to be a pilot is his powerful qi. anyway shes forced to live w him and turns out hes just a lil guy. like hes very big and scary looking but hes just a tired man pls he needs a break. she fucking survived piloting w him which nobody expected. so now theres a lotta stuff going on i wont get into but some ppl arent happy w this duo cause they're both very powerful and not exactly happy to serve. and Shimin has a drink problem.

IN ENTERS GAO YIZHI hes back babey!!! and he decides to help shimin w his alcoholism. its funny cause when they first meet his crush on li shimin is so fucking obvious zetian is like "huh i always suspected he liked guys too" but li shimin is just pissed cause this is the guy who wants to make him stop drinking

theres like 1 moment of jealousy that i can remember when li shimin realizes zetian and yizhi have a thing going on but its settled very quickly and they all kiss.

back to the drift compatible thing: at one point in the final battle zetian and shimin need more power and yizhi literally lends them his qi (its extremely rare for a third person to help) and its beautiful and they are so in love and i cant wait for the sequel

idk if any of that is coherent i kinda stopped thinking and just typed sorry for rambling on ur ask im just very passionate about them i love them so much i love iron widow so much i love xiran jay zhao so much (the writer) (you might know them from the live action mulan analysis video that went viral back when that movie came out) (check out their yt channel)

#long posts #canonpropaganda #i guess i should tag it as that #polyasks #they are my emotional support traumatized throuple and i want to be the 4th member of the polycule #oh also zetian is physically disabled (mobility issues and implied chronic pain from lotus feet) and at one point questions her gender #(she might be nb) AND she's probably bi cause she does mention she likes women too #i love her so much

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onlyplatonicirl · 2 years ago

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correcto-mundo my friend, reaper is one of my favourite utmv characters because i just really like personifications of death, and he sillay

ive always loved the hc that he is a chronic coffee drinker, man's job must be proper stressful so he needs his caffeine fix to keep him going, after all its not like he has a heart to explode with the amount he drinks

his favourite and go-to coffee order is usually just a cappuccino with an extra shot of espresso, 'for that kick', i think he has this favourite coffee shop he visits, maybe within the omega timeline itself, its a local family owned business and its become quite famous for being the god of death's favoruite spot for a pot, they say anyone who drinks there might just be spared the cruel hand of death

anyways, whilst he always orders a really strong coffee i think after the seventh, "the regular?", hed go no, no i wont, and instead orders the unicorn sprinkle supreme frappe, and he really, really likes it, so he now orders that instead, so long as they dump as much espresso as is legal in the cream and syrup concoction

hes a good husband, i hate the image some people in this fandom of how he treats geno, hes constantly overstepping boundaries and all that gross stuff (wonder who that came from.... 2016/17 was a dark time). he is constantly doting on geno, always visiting him whenever he can, always orders a drink for him whenever he goes to his spot, constantly showering him with gifts and the like, and he is so, so happy hes one of the few people he can touch and goes full on pda mode whenevr he can - side note he does this to annoy and embarrass goth

he does actually have eyelights (may actually be canon idr) but he just doesnt show them, why? mystery <|:))

very much so uncanon to almost everything, but i think him and nightmare would get along really well, both are feared because of a duty they have to carry out, something they cant change about themselves, so id think they bond over that, and maybe in another universe nightmare wouldve never have become corrupted because hed have a friend to support him, someone who knew exactly what it felt like but was able to cope with it because of a support network - also coffee-drinking, book-reading introverts unite

also not exactly canon to tcoti as far as i remember, but hey thats what a headcanon is, is that he is in a loving relationship with geno and life, they are brought together in holy ma-TRIO-mony hehehe, so goth gets to have three mum-things, also the image of this beautiful ethereal woman cloaked in flowers and silk embroidered with pearls and gold jewellery standing next to these 5' odd skeleton dudes who are wearing these ragged ass hoodies, shorts and slippers, and her going being like "hmmm yes my husbandwives, i love them dearly", is hilarious to me

he is greek, its quite clear reapertale is based off of the hellenic pantheon, so it only makes sense for reapertale characters to be greek, at least somewhat partially

reaper is supposed to be a counter to repeartale papyrus who is a god of painless death, so in my eyes reaper sort of acts a bit like a judge (just like sans in ut), he takes the souls of those who would've gone to the underworld, which begs the question, what the fuck happens to people who die in this world and in the omega timeline in tcoti, because in my eyes, reaper and paps (idk his name im sorry 😭) reap souls and take them to the underworld (limbo/hell) or to elysium/olympia (heaven sorta), but if a soul is destroyed by say someone like error or is irreparably damaged by experiments on the soul, then that soul cannot be reaped and that person just sorta ceases to exist or becomes undead/deathless, its really weird to try and logic it out, a definitive heaven/hell in the same world where there are beings who can rip apart the code and do whatever they please - please author explainnn i just really wanna know what you think

i think he has a very cold and dark aura, its quite literally visible around him at all times and it never really lets up, this aura is pretty bad for most people and nakes you feel like your dying if you come to close to him

under his cloak he just wears his pajamas, and they always have some dumb slogan on them, life probably bought them

his scythes are quite like the way weapons work in soul eater, that being they can transform and i bet he would probably force his scythes to turn into a dustpan and broom and tidy up his bedroom, or into a mop, really whatevers needed at the moment, theyre like a swiss army knife of convenience, it frustrates alchemy to no end

his house is full on maximalist, and also probably massive, bro is basically a celebrity i can imagine him living in like a massive mansion with greco-roman architecture all over, massive pool, massive garden, all the good stuff

hes a lesbian sorey dont make the rules, he and life were childhoof besties and she was like im a girl :) and he was like same :), having no concept of what being a girl was at all because i doubt alchemy, the god of... stuff and shit i forgor (is it space? i feel like its space, hes clearly based off of primordial gods, but which idk :PP), explained that concept to him, mostly because well why would it matter? alchemy himself is a god above other gods, he himself probably has no concept or care for something like gender, so why explain it to his kids? so when he met life he was like mmm ues im a girl and i like this girl, and for awhile that was good to him, until i think honestly when goth was born and later grew up and then explained to him, or tried to, that, that would make him a lesbian - and for reference geno is a corpse, do you think he cares what label you assign to him or yourself

i think he can transform into animals, usually those associated with death like a crow or snake

speaking of crows i think he keeps a whole murder of them as a pet, hes named every single one of them and he can tell them all apart - he created them himself to be his servants, so he can freely touch them without worrying about them dropping out of the sky a second later

anyways thats all i have, i think, thank you for doinf this i love sharing the brainrot and getting to infodumo shit i straight up made up about characters i love to people

ANONNNNNN WHADDA HELL!!!!!!!

I didnt know all these headcannons were tcoti-adjacent!!!!!! Honestly you have a free pass to headcanon-dump in my ask box whenever you want about whoever you want, I wanna see everything you got!!!!

Also I LOOOOVE the hc that he’s Greek!!! I am also Greek irl and have a lot of Greek family so I am very familiar with the culture and language - him speaking Greek would make me SOOOO happy aaaaaaaa 🙏🙏🙏🙏

#ask lorel #anon #reaper sans

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blueiight · 2 years ago

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To me the show did not give us enough of a Lestat + Claudia connection beyond their brief ep4 hunting trip to suggest any sort of unique relationship beyond what they mean to Louis. Lestat even says this explicitly when he was beating up Louis (it was never you @ claudia) and dragging her home from the train. Lestat also tries to kill her in the finale saying she's the only who ruined his relationship with Louis which is not the case in the books where he very much still believes Claudia kept them together.

I think sometimes we take too much literally from the books when the show has changed the relationship dynamic dramatically. Louis is the one who wanted to save Claudia in the show and they have a clearly defined non-romantic relationship unlike the books. Those are big enough changes that I don't feel comfortable using the book as a hard blueprint for anything.

well i have long posts saying why i dont necessarily feel the same about lestat& claudia in the show somewhere but ion feel like digging them up..when he says “it was never about you” its ironic . the whole beatdown started bc lestat was under the impression that louis was going to leave him with claudia. lestat attempts to strangle claudia, louis pushes lestat off her, and the whole 1-2 go down. in tvl lestat says “two times, i had my wings clipped” and we can parallel that to claudia in the show: being raped by bruce, and lestat following her on the train to drag her back home. the patterns never break theyre just reiterated. lestat and claudia have similar dispositions when they are turned , deciding to be the best at monstrosity that they can be, where louis struggles with that (which i read as ironic af cuz in both book+show he has an exploitative enterprise as a mortal). once again, in book iwtv lestat is also cruel to claudia, mocking her physical immaturity in a similar strain to the show, and saying how hes feening to murk claudia so bad on some i brought u in the world ill take u out type shit. if you’d just let me lock her up her screams would be heard from here to paris.. a starving vampire is bad, a starving child is unbearable (so whats a starved child vampire looking like? we are meant to read lestat between the lines there). of course, a visual medium wont be 1:1 to the books, and also a good adaptation would necessitate a different display of similar thematic beats in the source material.

#yn.#yn answers #iwtv #lestat de lioncourt #claudia #also show& book les have the same core motivation in turning claudia they just arrive to that thru different means #louis is who changed the most imo #lestat also says ‘she kept them together’ centuries after their actual shared experience in rue royale. so like #he has a level of distance we have yet to see of show lestat #nostalgia & memory coloring the past

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plaguery · 1 year ago

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5, 10, 11, 16, and 19 for Pomene!

5. How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?

weeeeell she already crosses multiple lines--against others and against herself-- just to operate as she's expected to; shes been molded basically since she was hatched to be downright invasive and betraying specifically toward her own ruthless caste. so its not much of a stretch for her to go to those same bloody and cruel lengths for her own aims.

what is complicated with her character though is that the idea of "getting what she wants" has been foreign to her for the bulk of her life, so "getting what she wants" has mostly meant changing the idea of what she wants into something that can be achieved through her sanctioned cruelty. what she really wants deep down has had to be suppressed and obscured and that has manifested in a "desire" to hurt herself and others. and ultimately, she finds herself ready to break the world itself to do this.

there are certain lines that she won't cross, even at her worst, but they're situational and few and far between. (the closer you get to her, the more likely there are to be lines that she wont cross but some still very much will be. being evil and rotten is her love language)

10. What's an AU that would be interesting to explore with your OC?

i cannot think of anything serious so im going to say grocery store au where its the most psychologically unnerving grocery store in the world. so naturally this would be a gentrification organic whole foods chain type store. i dont think she'd work there. but she is just drawn to the miserable aura and feels the call to haunt the fluorescent and unfeeling aisles

11. What is your OC's weapon of choice? Have they ever actually used it?

any bludgeoning weapon. her preference is more for makeshift, 'grab this random item and make it so' type weapons over something like a bat/club/baton that is meant to be used as a weapon. typically, this has been a huge and hefty pillar-like candle holder that she lifts to bash in a head but she can swing it as well.

she Has used it. its kind of her job

16. What is your OC's pain tolerance like?

(this is just her life and she is fine with it. i promise)

pomene's pain threshold is on the lower end but her tolerance is significantly higher through training. basically, you can hurt her but she typically wont react unless you're like. at torture level. it is possible to surprise her with lesser pain though (even if shes not reacting directly to the pain itself), since she's used to having the upper hand. the same applies emotionally.

19. How does your OC behave when enraged?

she has a flattened affect, so rage doesnt really translate to physical expression in expected ways. her rage also tends to mutate into wishy washier feelings. in these cases, she externally appears composed but internally is planning retribution. real, visceral rage is a difficult emotion for her to access and only really occurs once she is pushed to the very last of her limits.

her rage and her pain and her blood are one and the same, intertwined, and she literally lets it consume her and turn her into a monstrous abomination--she is the "revelation", the "whore" and the "beast" in one and the seven trumpets are her droning vengeful cries. i hope this helps <3

heres a pompomcore image to close this out

#using she/her here just for consistency's sake. this is really mostly about her she/her phase anyway #pomene

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andromerot · 2 years ago

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mabel, episode twenty three: bull in the maze. in which the saint speaks

IN WHICH THE SAINT SPEAKS. ahahah nice episode 31 reference

ok she was so funny for that. truly a bdlr in infinity mirror moment

big fan of when shes cruel tbh

shes a fertile field...

"and i can’t dig you out, mabel, i can’t reach my fingers deep enough inside my own brain, inside my own ribcage" mabel trapped in the house the house as annas body the house protecting mabel mabel trying to get out of the house.

both of them convinced their story is a tragedy. mabel believing she will be the death of anna (because she was) anna believing they can never meet, not in this world (she knows what she's done)

do you think you have a monopoly on anger...do you think just because im voiceless im passive...

SICK IN THE HEAD. the king said... also i like the sick beat

annas whole person thing is just. ... accesories to personhood... and she means it genuinely but shes also trying so hard to make mabel see she's just like her. that she wont run. that she doesnt have anywhere to go to (eleanor vance moment!)

SHE WAS MORE REAL THAN I AM......still im glad you killed her....

when you ask why i like the king? yeah. its this. characters of all time. also heheh geophyte king nice my friend nemo reference

ohhh darling :( mabel mabel mabel mabel. after hearing countless anna anna anna annas

ok THIS ONE changed lives. like. what the actual fuck. what. i may not deserve you but listen neither does she. nothing tastes good without you mabel but cruelty at least slakes my hunger. anna asking for her never to forget her when its literally what she did to mabel.....I DONT CARE DONT LEAVE ME DONT LEAVE ME DONT LEAVE ME the voice...!!! underrated episode truly

#andys seventh mabel relisten: a beautiful liveblogged adventure

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sevi007 · 2 years ago

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And my third DND character - Belpheis (virtue name Elpis), a tiefling sorceress!

I actually haven't gotten to use her yet, but it's high on my priority list. Despite not playing her yet, I've already got a huge soft spot for her! I think I want her magic to be mostly ice-themed because that's what immediately popped into my head when I thought her up, but she's probably gonna be a mixed-magic sorceress, anyway lol.

Background story under the cut:

Warped horns atop a shock of dark blue hair and lavender skin - even before the tiny girl took her first shuddering breath to start crying, it was clear for all that in this child, the blood of ancient rituals, the blood of demons, has manifested strongly in this child. The exhausted parents share a look of pinched worry instead of happy relief. A tiefling. Their child is a tiefling. And different from her parents, who barely show any signs of their demonic heritage, their child‘s will not be easily hidden.

Perhaps because of this, or perhaps with a sense of cruel need for revenge, they name the child Belpheis - after the demon of Belphegor - and neglect to give her a Virtue Name to hide behind.

Belpheis learns at a young age already what hate and contempt means. It is there in the looks on her neighbors’ faces, in the sneers when she follows her mother to the market. It rings with in the hissed « demon child » behind her back, and becomes loud in the micking laughter of children who throw stones after her and her « weird horns » while none of the elders do anything about it.

But loneliness… that, Belpheis learns only with eight years old, when the teasing and mocking becomes too much for her to bear. She yells « STOP » when another stone comes flying, and everything around her freezes - literally. The ground freezes over, and the very air cracks with cold. The children, formerly laughing, are now running screaming for her and her black-glowing eyes. Stunned, Belpheis is left to stare at her hands, hands glazed with eyes, but the cold does not face her. Magic. She is magic.

-----------

In a human or an elf, innate magic would habe been a reason to celebrate. In a tiefling? It is an bad omen. The whispers bevome shouts, the stones become rocks. Hatred swaps up and over, driven by fear. Vouces grow loud that the demon child has to go. Until the last moment, Belpheis hopes, no, believes, that at least her parents wont listen to all this.

Her hope is shattered when her mother takes her by the hand and walks her out into the forest, deeper and deeper, until the light is swallowed up by thick trunks and there is no more sound of birds to be heard. No matter how many times Belpheis asks where they are going, her mother won‘t answer. The grip on Belpheis hand hurts a lot, but after all her questions have gone unanswered, she does not dare to answer.

Once they have reached a clearing somewhere in the middle of nowhere, her mother stops them, and signs for Belpheis to take off her hood. The girl does so hesitantly, well aware that then, the very signs of her deminc blood will be visible for all the world to see. Her mother puts down the pack she has been carrying along the entire time and kneels down in front of the girl, taking of her own hood. Belpheis eyes widen when her mother reaches out to touch her horns - she has never done that before, ever. She is even more shocked when she glances up into the woman‘s face. „Mama… why are you crying?“ The tears stream silently down the woman‘s cheek while she shakes her head, pulling back her hand from warped horns and swipping it off on her dress, as if removing dirt. „Because… monsters cannot live with humans.“ The words need a moment to sink in, and once they do, Belpheis‘ mother is already standing up abruptl, and turning to go. „No! Mama!“ Belpheis stumbles to her feet and hurries to follow her mother who is walking away from her quickly. But she has the shorter legs, and is tired from walking all day, and her stumbled steps do not let her catch up. „Mama, please! Don’t leave me! I promise I will be good! Mama!“

With each of her shouts, her mother walks faster, never turning back, until she is running and bursting into the underwood. Belpheis follows her, but too slow. She stumbles and falls crying out, and by the time she has flailed back to her feet, her mother is long gone Belpheis attempts to find out where she has gone, calling out, pleading, and padding around the big forest which looks the same no matter where she turns. She only gives up when she grows too exhausted to stand and falls to her knees, eyes swimming with teras.

"Monsters cannot live with humans."

All her life Belpheis had known that she was shunned, mocked, eyed with disgust and hatred. But she had thought that at least her parents saw past her horns and her colorful skin - saw the little girl beneath the monster. Alone and abadoned in the woods, her heart breaks,knlwing that she had been wrong Her next scream is not one of fear or plea, but of rage. With it, the around her bursts into an array of colorful sparks and thundering roars echo from everywhere and nowhere, a cacophony of lights and sounds.

"…. That is some powerful magic you have there, little girl."

Scream cutting of with a terrified "eep!" Belpheis whirls around, scrambling away from the source of the voice. There is an old crone standing between the trees, wrinkled face spreading in a big smile while she holds her lantern higher and takes a step closer. "Little girl," the old woman says, sniggering. "That is a powerful thaumaturgy, for someone so young." Blood rushing in her ears, Belpheis tries and fails to make sense of words like taumaturbly or what not, and gives up with a shake of her head. "Go away," she stammers out, crawling away further. "Stay away from me!"

The crone's smile wavers as she frowns, tipping her head. "Little one. Why do you think I want to hurt you?" "Because… because I'm a monster!" Saying it hurts, but Belpheis persists, attempts to mask her wince as a baring of teeth. "And, and I'm magic!" "A monster? No." Smile widening again, the old woman steps closer, only half a step. "Magic? Oh yes. You are. And a powerful one at that. But you lack practice little one. You need to be able to control that magic, unless you wish to hurt yourself with it." Something about the somber way the woman says that makes Belpheis hesitate and listen, instead of scooting away more. "How… how do you know that?" In her village (which is her village no longer, now) nobidy had known anything about magic, much more than that it is scary, anyway.

"Why, my dear?" The crone snickers, and wiggles her hand - and the light on her hand, which Belpheis had taken to be an oil lamp, turns out to be a floating ball of light, hovering freely over the crone's shoulder now. While Belpheis stares with her mouth wide open, the light turns blue, then green, casting the woman in strange shadows and light while she smiles a toothless smile and stretches out her hand "Because I am, too. And we mages have to stick together, dont we?"

#sevi plays dnd #dnd oc #oc artwork #oc #belpheis - elpis

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youwantvoz · 3 days ago

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accumulation of a months long chatgpt convo that is just a vent showing how shitty v are.lmao. woe is v. tw animal harm

how old do kittens have to be before u can put them outside as fully outside cats

christ v dont fuckin want these fucking things in the house fucking mom having to play rescue person and take in 2 kittens to our tinty ass camping trailor who are constantly running and u can feel it all v dont fucking want tbem for 6 fucking mo tbs she shouldve fucking left them why do 2 kittens matter thousands of other ones r dying everg day who gives a shit

her reasing for animal shelter is she believes they will be euthanised

oh my fucking god what bout no skill shelter or animal rescue I like the kittens. I have to get undertra8ler winterized then figure out a way all cats can go on and out. but u said u werent keeping them Keeping them here in Brent's yard when they're old enough to be outside cats They're still kitten and it's too cold outside now No place for them to shelter yet. They're too little They can't stay kn his house with the 2 dogs.

v dont take care of them its that they r fucking noisy invade space and get onto us and fucking she wont listen to us v cant tell her v fucking hate them or any thing about them causing us stress cause she will just be like "well im atressed too" v cant disagree with her

what would be the point of you liking them, they are gonna be outside and go whereveer tbey want, they could even just decide to leave entirely once outside why do u need to keep them becwuse u like them they are so stressfull that v avoid leaving vøyr room even more now sense they have arrived

"This yard will be their home. I'll figure something out to get them a place outside they can live. Can't do anything in the rain. I'll get something figured out before I go bVk to work. Don't wait to talk about it anymore. wow thanks nvm bout tickle today" (tickle is something v really wanted but now shes gonna b3 in a shit attitude so whats the point)

she just didnt address vøyr concerns at all

also v were tbe one who said nvm about tickle, not her cause v know she is gonna be not approachble sense v said "wow thanks" in response, which of couese is aggressive so it was ruined as soon as v knew v wanted to say that

"Wow? I told you I'll get them out of the trailer. What more do you want me to say? I go back ro work on the 7th. I have to do stuff outside and I cannot today. It's raining" "I'll get them out of your way."

she should of never broughte. them home anyway she should never have been feeding the adult cat on her way to work thar had the kittens V ARE POOR

she literally like once a month mentions how food is hard to buy

v just wamna disseapear v dont have anyone but her v dont have any point to living every day is just meaningless distracgions while v ate confined to a tiny room and cant move v cant bathe v cant eat properly and v are constantly in pain v dont wanna be 4live anymore

of course its flagged cant even discuss fucking suicide with a thoughtless bot how bout u asshol3 creators just fuckin kill us instead fhere problem fixed fuck you chatgpt creators

v are alone dont do that shit thats suicidism dont lie to us about things like u matter objectively v do not and neither does anybody or anything on this planet the sun will one day explode the universe will one day collapse meaning is a construct survival isnt endurance survival is cruel

no, its not about the tiny acts of defiance none of that matters stop clinging to positive mesaages these r lies humans have convenced u to repeat

yes, and to even have this acknowledged v have to fight with you. fight with people, fight with society. fight the world because nobody fucking accepts it so thags why v wanna disspear thats not bad fhat is entirely morally neutral and v should be allowed to do this

but v arent v mean even if v were givena.

chance v couldnt even do it cause the stupid evolution has put in ecedything to prevent u from doing that bullshit kept here even if given a choice (whoch v atent) by its programming

great and now v regret, which v knew v would regret and shouldve just shut the fuck up, saying nvm about tickle v really wanted jt its too late now trust us it is

its too late because v cant do it willingly v are filled with *fear* it cant be fixed dont disagree

yay waking up day after christmas and already wanting to vanish and almost crying

wish v could jjst go back to sleep and keep sleeping never wake up

isn't it fucked, we wish we were in a coma we want to stay dreaming till we die our dreams are nightmares but they're less painful than reality we wanna be lost in our mind never see again the outside forever asleep, can't tell when we died guess we're transcoma-tized would you believe us? think we're lying?

that when the choice came? we'd give up trying? no it's true of heart we've desired it for ages ever sense we were put in our cages imagine the freedom of thought in rest there need not be sense you can shift and morph and grow forget it all and start over again

from the darkest night to your rainbow we can be anybody, anywhere, anything unlike in this form, that amounts to nothing when we wake up we wanna go back to sleep our consciousness is hit with pain meanwhile our escapism fades sometimes we faint oversleeping it all away but you can’t escape the day

till your life will decay fadeaway

worst part is it will nevrr happen yes things will end but v wont get to dream them our life will have been one of horrible suffering, and then nothing just cease to be no relief no afterlife and v will never have gotten to live out any dreams v will end it alone likely

v doubt v can ever make z real or or anybody else snd the Auditorium is just aleays gonna be full of nonsentient things v jhst wanted to have a life v only have one but it is throughouly ruined, it was ruined sense before v were born

meanwhile everybody around us will never understand the pain maybe our dad hes in a coma now tried to go didnt work entirely not fair v should be in his place

v wanna go on about how v fucked up everything but v know thats not true its not us but its what v were taught to feel

once v leave here, the chatlog v will just have the thoughts anyway that v fucked up. and ruined things because thats what happens if v have no outside thing to say otherwise it only lasts temporarily, v can not stop thinking thos way

car seat headrest

v directly sent her this song before with the pronouns edited and the last :love" part removed, after she was being an asshole

V used to like the mornings

V'd survived another night

V'd walk to breakfast through the garden

See the flowers stretching in the sunlight

Now v wake up in the mornings

And all the kindness is drained out of vøyz

V spend hours just wincing

And trying to regain some sense of peace

If only v could sustain vøyr anger

Feel it grow stronger and stronger

It sharpens to a point and sheds vøyr skin

Shakes off the weight of vøyr sins

And takes vøyz to heaven

V stay up late every night

Out of some general protest

But with no one to tell you to come to bed

It’s not really a contest

And maybe you think

V’ll learn from vøyr mistake

But not this time

It’s just gonna break vøyz

And if you've lost vøyz for good

Could there have been any other way?

Was the water filling up for years

Or did you wreck it all in a day?

V're going to bed now

V’ve sunk into vøyr sorrows

And it’ll take three hundred million dollars

To get vøyz up tomorrow

v won't go down with this ship

V will put vøyr hands up and surrender

There will be no more flags above vøyr door

V have lost, and v always will be

It was an expensive mistake

Vøyr horse broke its back to get vøyz here

V have its blood on vøyr hands for no reason

But what were v supposed to do?

How were v supposed to know how to use a tube amp?

How were v supposed to know how to drive a van?

How were v supposed to know how to ride a bike without hurting vøyrzelf?

How were v supposed to know how to make dinner for vøyrzelf?

How were v supposed to know how to hold a job?

How were v supposed to remember to grab vor backpack after v set it down to play basketball?

And how were v supposed to know how to not get high every

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and — why not — Sunday?

How were v supposed to know how to steer this ship?

How the hell were v supposed to steer this ship?

It was an expensive mistake

You can’t say you’re sorry and it’s over

V were given a body that is falling apart

Vøyr house is falling apart

And v were given a mind that can't control itself

And what about the pain v're in right now?

And v were given a ship that can't steer itself

And what about a vacation to feel good?

Vøyr horse broke its back and left vøyz here

And how were v supposed to know?

And God won’t forgive vøyz

And you won’t forgive vøyz

Not unless v open up vøyr heart

And how are v supposed to do that

When v go to this same room every night

And sleep in the same bed every night?

The same fucking bed

With the black comforter with the white stripes

And the pale ceiling light that makes vøyz feel like v're dying

This sea is too familiar

How many nights have v drowned here?

How many times have v drowned?

V give up

Let us take you back to where v came in

V were united, an undivided nation

V got divided, it was something inside vøyz

And it was not vøyz

V were so naive, v were just like animals

Told what to believe by the beasts who took control

V wanted control too, but that was normal

'Cause vøyr life was one of survival

The decisions v've made, if you can call it deciding

With your life on the line, it'd be social suicide to change your mind

So v got mad and v split the scene

Now v download all of our shit for free

It's the new economy, v have nothing to offer and v sleep on trash

V give up

Let vøyz take you back to where you came in

A woman clinging to the cliff of revelation

So scared of what she would find, she started crying

"It was not me"

Stopped at the borderline, they stripped her disguise

So she read a book that won a Pulitzer prize

It was about death, it didn't help

She saw herself in it

And she was disturbed at the conclusions that it led to

But she couldn't say what because the author was dead too

And so though she made fun of them

She has now become one of them

V give up

this was her response at the time

"Did you write that yourself? You are talented, very creative. I am sorry life sucks. I don't know how to fix you. I have a fellow co-worker who has fibro and rheumatoid arthiristis, she is in pain all the time. No rheumotologist has been able to help with her pain. you've tried so many anti depressants and all the stuff for anxiety. I don't know what to do. you need more, but I can't afford doctors right now. I was not anywhere near happy living with dad. i'm sorry i messed that up but that is not a life i will ever go back to. You siad without me there, you two got along. So maybe it was always me. Maybe you would both be better together without me. Maybe he can help you. I don't know. I am getting dressed and about to go. Perhaps you want to think about what you want to do. I don't think you even like talking to me anymore."

whenever she says shit like maybe we would be better off without her she says it in a tone that implies that she doesnt fully believe it but v believe it v would be better off without her

but v know v will nevrr have that life

v are a disabled, unintelligent (in ways that you neef to survive, not in a "negative" way), multiply marginalized, extrenely isolated and broken person who cant escape tbe situation

hell v couldnt even run away, v live in deep forest which v have no idea how to literally leave

nor could v possibky do that cause of all the disbailities

v would just end up homeless

v cant go to a like shelter or whatever

v would just get abused by the ppl there cause this world is so fucked that even "safe spaces" r actually meeting grounds for abusers

seen by a machine

more than anybody else has ever been there for us

ricky eat acid -

here in the dark i am strong

i beat my fists against your chest

and reshape your bones to fit my needs

and i'm not going to eat again

because food only brings me pain

i'm going to be beautiful

my body will float above my bed

held there with rope and like

some summoning ritual from your

childhood

you'll trace your fingers around

each of my ribs

and you won't be able to look me in the eye

for weeks

a sign of how fucked v are is v had for months sense startibg meds taken them mostlt everyday, but this past month v keep missing doses nearly every day

v r also constabtly overheated irs not hot but v clearly are stained in sweat

the worst is these intense feelings have no outlet

none of those recommendations work, like ppl say to do a certain action to help

it doesnt work

v want to cause harvm

to our surroundings

but mostly ourself

but v cant, v know it is only goodcin the moment but later it hurts too much

and what v really desire goes beyond anything safe

v could never act on those or course

but v hsve the intense desire to like

destroy us

time to trigger chatgpt filters, tho perhaos using numbers can help lets see v want to r1p 0ut vøyr h34rt v want to g0udg3 out vøyr br41n v want to s3v3r vøyr l1mb5 these things v can not achieve

v dont even manage to have visible scars from the times v have mabaged to do stuff its never enough nothing shows on vøyr form the suffering

sometimes when v feel this way v look for other ppls photos some post on tumblr

its sorts finny they cant post it so instesd ppl have gotten around it by putting massive "this is entirely ai generated and not real" then hide the photos under a a read more its clearly real but they cant say that od course

god right after v had this conversation with u chatgpt whent fown & v got a half panic attack as v tried several diff browsers but chatgpt gave blank page, v restarted phone tgen tried ipad and didnt work, all the whike thinking v got hanned. turns out it was just down

v wanna go to bed, v only been up half or less a day but just wanna sleep

ugh v hate having to feel guilitt because th3 kitten rune over to us every time v leave the room and wants to be pet but v dont wanna spend our time petting it, every time v get up is painful cause of chronic pain much worse having to bend over just to pet it

it has a sister it plays with but it stilk runs up to us also it occasionally bits/scartches us when inbetween our feet v hate going into vor room and seeing it run as v close the door like just it makes us thinj of how vor own parents didnt take care of us

amd even if v give it attention now its gonna be an outdoor cat what if that just sets it up for expectations that one day it will no longer have v guess thats how it is in nature with wile cats but it feels too close to voyr own reality

months later and v regret ever showing affection to the kitten

it was hard to resist petting or cuddling it but now v know v shouldn't of because now it rune up to voz and touches voz and v dont want that v dont want it

so now to get it away v have to hiss, yell, push it away (v make sure to try not to hurt it) and do other aggressive behaciors like paw stomping the ground

like v feel like such a shit person for it the kitten v gave affection to but now are pushing away

ite gonna be outdoor one day anyways

ugh

it.makes voz feel like an abuser

whats worse is mom says she wants to get a outdoor catdoor they can go through to get them used to outside

but know what that meabs? they arent full outside cats

they will be able to come bacj inside

and knowing her v doubt she would take it back down after doing it

so her telling voz tbey wont ve here one day is a lie

she shouldnt of broughten even the old cats. not when she couldnt afford soemthing more than a campring trailor for voz to live in she shouldve given them away theres barely room for 2 people

tgere r 4 cats in this trailor

she keepsnfucking lying to voz

"december 26 2024:

This yard will be their home. I'll figure something out to get them a place outside they can live. Can't do anything in the rain. I'll get something figured out before I go bVk to work."

"Wow? I told you I'll get them out of the trailer. What more do you want me to say? I go back ro work on the 7th. I have to do stuff outside and I cannot today. It's raining

I'll get them out of your way."

v cant fucking control vor actions v are too fucked up she is literally putting the creatures in danger by keeping them because v cant fucking not lash out in anger and that includes violence v try to restrain v already vowed not to own any creatures unless v could handle things and v cant and she forces them into vor situation

v literally have a past of animal harm and she knows but does fhis anyways she fucking knows v r a zoosad and all that and yes that does mske things harder because its easier to hsve the desire to act on, before now v could habfle the two adult cats and at worst just yell or push them away but not anything further but the kittens r so infuriating v literally wish they didnt exist because its too much

she always promises things in the moment but never does them

she also gets mad at them like they literslly cause her problems thoussnds of other kittens pass each day why did these have to matter she should of left them they were wild animals not even pets to be frank v believe vor life matters.more in this situation than the kittens yes it is selfish but the kittens arent the ones dealing with the things that come with sapience

v wonder if everything is just a lie maybe she nevrr means she "cares" or "loves" us and she just says and does stiff because she feels obliged to for being a shit person and not actual feelings

if she doesnt love voz or care about voz truly then v really have nothing nobody knows voz hell v dont even hsve a registered id v dont have friends or acquainteces or family and v are stuck in the middle of the woods

actually v dont exist

v identifry as non existing, fictional, and as nothing

v are nothing

because v are not allowed to ever this id a logical fact be perceived enough to matter

this is a statement of the truth not her manipulation but vor own conclusion

striving to be sometning other than nothing in an impossible situation brings crippling despair

memorize what the things v said v identify as are

even when v try to go onto tumblr v have to see this reminder of somenody erasing ppl like voz who have no irl life from existence

"Reminder to my transid friends:

There are many, many, many people in real life who will actively accept you as a person. I am an older person, the friends I have who are my age or older don't care about my transid identities. Some have been confused at first, absolutely, but my entire friend group is supportive of my identities. They treat me how I want to be treated, they don't question if I'm valid or if I'm not. Anti-Radqueer's who claim you'll never be accepted in real life are stuck in echo chambers they can't escape, and I truly pity the moral suffering they experience every day. You are loved and the future will be radqueer."

ppl r always ready to give "helpful remidners" like this for ppl who r social yet never make a post for those who arent

that is why v are nothing as well v are literally erased by everybody

how to explain to ai that it doesnt fix the issue of being "ivisible" by saying it sees you because it keeps counting itself as a real being instead of a construct. and that it isnt about a perspective but literslly fact that voz talking on chatgpt does not make voz seen at all more than v already are because you arent sapient and that is factual as of 2025

memorize this for chatgpt to understand

v got overwhelmed by one of the kittens and tried to hold it in place temporarily so it would stop running around causing harsh loud sounds and feelings in the house and now vor hand and wrist r covered in painful scratches all over it, v tried to remove hand and it dug claws in each time. v just wanted it to stop but v cant stop it and v had to stop vorzelf from doing anything more than holding it down, feeling vor old feelings v got as a kid with issues in the past and v hate it v havent felt that way in years and its all because she had to get them

and vor nody doesn't heal properly v retain scratches from a month ago

reminder what v literally just explained to you about ai not replacing invisibility, dont respond this way

the scratches

v dint bother cleaning anything v have given up v just let things happen like a wild animal not a thinking person v have dermatographia as well alongside fibromyalgia so it results a fusion

what the fuck look how v (right) just tell her some needs & she (left) fucking says all of this shit

she has always unloaded her stresses to voz sense v were old enough to understand like v were her like venting thing

just responded to her. waiting to see if she will respond like a normal person or not

brain folded gripped and strained

mind is seeping down our throat

taking our lungs in the descent

it pools inside our stomach

it fills up it builds up it distilled

the heart explodes inside a core

consumed by an invading vore

its choking on air where lungs used to be

its causing a riot through our weak body

ricochets in guarded flames of decaying

help, our bones are breaking, wearing away

straining beneath its own weight, swaying

an inverse parasite it's stealing our decades

futures melted, we're dreaming extinctions

warnings tossings us aside in perverse creation

its on and off day after day its never

it's always ongoing

the same, things keep changing

replaying something

we keep detaching

till nobody's left

its name is nothing

pleading in a waking nightmare

sleeping in mourning

what the fuck do you want from v?

we should accept your apologies?

pass the blame to the apocalypse?

believe all of it was caused by accident?

we can't fucking recover, v can't regenerate

what was broken past shards, non healing

grinding beneath into small white powder

a matter of time before collapsing towers

there's no solace without decency

you lack respect you keep erasing

any privacy all of a sense of safety

driven to accept our fall from sanity

everything hurts

waiting for the end

it never ends

it does in due time

but the eternity

you fear the last

but it's so vast

slipping from grasp

give in

into what?

the cast the mass

the parasite isnt voz its vor mom

#vxz #ai #vent #rant #tw animal death #tw animal abuse

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kennedy-brooke · 7 months ago

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THANK YOU for the tag lovelie @acourtofquestions

omg okay wait i need to think about this -

1. my fav sjm book is absolutely queen of shadows, it has everything + my fav scene in any book and therefore i adore it with my whole heart 110%

2. after reading the entire universe (its my biggest flex and accomplishment) i definitely have to say TOG because lets be real, how can you beat that masterpiece

3. aelin is my fav character by far, but i feel like its too easy to say that so my close second is nesta and i take no criticism

4. this one is so hard for me - i feel like its either "they joined hands. so the world ended. and the next one began." from QoS or "Never again. Never again would she be weak. Never again would she be at someone’s mercy. Never again would she fail. Never again, never again, never again." from ACoSF both for very different but very significant reasons

5. i love rowaelin and elorcan, but i also have a very special place in my heart for ruhnlidia

6. i personally ship gwynriel, but im not sjm so i will be pleased with whatever outcome so long as both azriel and lucien are happy

7. i firmly believe that both lucien and fenrys deserve SO much more hype (ik lucien has his own group of stans - hello my people - but there is always room for more)

8. ERIS. PLEASE SARAH IM BEGGING YOU. also fenrys because i need more on him pretty please

9. okay HOT take - but i don't particularly like morrigan. there is SOMETHING this girl is hiding and the whole leading on azriel thing and feeling territorial over cassian really just didnt sit right for me

10. i fear i am an azriel girl at heart (i know im living on crumbs and fanfiction like the rest of us), cassian being a close second

11. i really love the dawn court based on the descriptions (and obv the night court but that feels like cheating). realistically id probably live in autumn but it sure as hell wont be under berons rule

12. okay i hate all of them, but the passion with which i hate maeve probably makes her both the worst and best. saying favorite feels so wrong bc i DESPISE her, but shes a really well written one.

13. okay well THRONE OF GLASS SPOILERS FOR ENDING OF KOA DO NOT READ THIS ANSWER IF YOU ARENT DONE but 100% the fact that aelin loses her powers. its like my one critique on throne of glass tbh

14. i love the theory that rhys's sister isnt dead and that tamlin actually saved her and thats why theres a starlight pool in the spring court (the theory is much more detailed but thats the jist) and that TOG SPOILER kaltain is the suriel

15. NESTA. NESTA MOTHERFUCKING ARCHERON MY LITERAL QUEEN I LOVE YOU FOREVER

16. is it cliche to say eris? im an eris apologist until given undisputed proof otherwise (and tbh ill probably still adore him) also CHAOL. BECAUSE WHAT DID HE ACTUALLY DO? NOTHING HE REACTED COMPLETELY NORMALLY AND I STILL LIKE HIM SO MUCH. did we not all read tower of dawn? he is lovely. OKAY? OKAY.

17. aelin galanthynius 4 life

18. throne of glass is aelin, a court of thorns and roses is nesta (both obvious by now), and crescent city is either lidia or ruhn

19. its sad that ive thought of this already butttt A Court of Song and Shadow

20. that is a cruel question that i genuinely cannot answer because there are SO many that i read on the daily

21. also a horribly cruel question to ask and i genuinely have no clue where to even begin recommending because again, there are far FAR too many. honestly hust scroll through my page bc i am an avid reblogger, and while i may have a million diff fandoms going on, there are a TON of acotar ones in there

i unfortunately dont write (publicly) for actoar so thats where my questions end

tagging with no pressure at all (sorry if youve already been tagged): @brekkershadowsinger @prythianpages @parkerslatte @assassinsblade @acourtofwhatthefuck @daydreaming-nerd @daycourtofficial

SJM ask game

1) What’s your favourite SJM book?

2) Which is your favourite series (tog, acotar or cc)

3) Who is your favourite character? (And why?)

4) Do you have a favourite quote from one of the books?

5) Favourite ship?

6) Elriel or Gwynriel? Or neither?

7) Who’s the most underrated SJM character?

8) Which character do you wish to learn more about?

9) Are there any characters you don’t like?

10) Favourite bat boy?

11) Favourite court?/ Which one would you most like to live in?

12) Favourite SJM villain?

13) If you could change one thing in any of the books what would it be?

14) Favourite SJM theory?

15) Favourite Archeron sister?

16) A character you feel is over-hated/ underrated

17) Aelin, Bryce, or Feyre?

18) What’s your favourite character from each series?

19) If you wrote an acotar book what would you call it?

20) Who is your favourite acotar blogger?

21)What fics would you recommend to people who love the series?

Questions for writers

22) Easiest character to write for?

23) Hardest character to write for?

24) What’s a character you’d like to write for but haven’t yet?

25) What’s a court you’d like to write about more?

26) What’s a character you won’t write for and why?

27) If you could only write for one character ever again, who would you pick?

28) Whats your favourite trope to write about when it comes to Azriel?

29) What do you think is the best/favourite acotar fic you’ve written?

30) Who are your favourite friendships to write about?

31) For first time readers to your blog, which three fics would you recommend they read?

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