#this wont end badly at all!!!!
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I beat TOTK
#i realized i'm leaving home in a week and i wont be able to play on a big screen until september and forced myself to get to the end#what can i say except. HEYAHEAYHAHEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#totk spoilers#totk liveblog#loz liveblog#bro the final battle was SO COOL. i mean i did BADLY and ganon stage 2 MADE ME ALMOST DIE#but the health bar reveal.... the friends arriving to help.......... what a good stage#AND THEN. AND T H E N#SHE APPEARED. SHE ARRIVED TO SAVE ME. AND WE BEAT GANONDORF TOGETHER.#AN D TH EN ......... CATCHING HER..... LOVING ARMS...... OKAYYYYY#all in all. bro
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so kevin was the one who bought jean the magnets and postcards. as souvenirs.
i fear we, the kevjean nation, may not survive this.
kevin used to write him messages and memories and they ruined it
#tsc spoilers#i dont wanna be repetitive so i wont be rehashing this out too much#but i thought the kevin in tsc was very different in a good way but in a startling way too#hes clearly a pillar of stability for jean which is weird enough of a mouthful on its own#considering its Kevin and he is famously Unstable#i thought his immediate switch after the ichirou news was so interesting?#he was panicking just as badly as jean was but as soon as neil left them alone he strongheld jean through it#the k/j dynamic is very much what i already thought it was and it did not disappoint#anything for this stupid man….#jean keeping his promise to the end whether he liked it or not#kevin really is the first ethically manipulative girlfriend 😭😭😭😭#these werent crumbs at all these were full meals w space for seconds#jean being in love with him was almost like. secondary#if you can believe it#but uuuh yeah im happy that i dont have to change much of how i write any of them#except maybe jeremy which is its own can of worms#oh my acolytes… how i wanted to like him#how i did not#asks#kevjean
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New school attendance rules (that are stupid as fuck) being published has me learning people didn't even know that the UK fines people for their kids not being in school unauthorized???
#i...i....yeah to anyone who didnt know#we do#this country is obsessed with school attendance#if its not authorized your fucked#hell even if authorized aka your carer did phone for you and shit#depending how many you have it can stack up and they'll get sus#and you'll get in trouble even then#like the new rules alone are increasingly making it clear if your not authorized you can get bankrupt depending how many kids you have#which yes makes the new rules abelist as fuck and also only rich people will survive it#hell if the schools cant fine you they'll at least make you feel shame#as my school had a form system where at the end of each term a form will be rewarded for the best attendance#so rip if you were the fucker that took i dunno one or two days off for sickness or whatever#because you just costed your form room the award and the classmates know it and will look at you#source: me who had to take sick days off#hell snow days you wont free at my school#my roads and pathways were iced so i couldnt go in#but noooo according to my head of year i should have tried cause he hunted all of us who took the day off and interograted us#and if our excuse wasnt good enough for him we were told off#and they'd literally encourage you to only take sick day off if your throwing up#my head of year literally said he dont care if we got a headache or small cough or sniffle just come in#...huh wonder how they did during 2020...#but yeah attendance in the UK in terms of schools is fucking strict#(also if your curious they did send us home if we were bad-bad#i got sent home once i think??? i dont recall much of that school for my own sanity#but i badly burnt my hand in DT via a soldering iron and i had to go home and the doctors and return to school#with a hand i couldnt write with which was my writing hand so um#yeah i couldnt work much until it recovered...well my english teacher forced me to write with my non-writing hand but#and one girl got sent home for throwing up on the stairs#and another from my limited memories for falling down the stairs which uh were stone in a way so um#(i fell up those stairs somehow once...didnt get sent home but i missed english so) they had no choices sometimes)
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Ur tags about how Miles and Pavitr are the ones who say "I can do both" because it IS quintessential spiderman thinking AND because they're too young to have seen that devastatingly not work yet. BUT the thing is they are RIGHT but only if it's "we"! Spiderman's mythos is inherently a lonely one reinforced by Miles and Gwen's isolation and by every. single. intro. reminding us that every spider person is the "one and only spider person"! And yet!! These films are just about relationships (1/2)
YES YEAH YOU GET IT !!!! and (quite recently rewatched it and mentioning it here cause i can't believe i forgot to mention it in the post you're talking about) it really gets me that gwen also says 'i was doing both' in regards to protecting miles and protecting the canon event, and i love that the phrase was reflected like that, even tho (at this point of the movie) miles and gwen pretty much oppose each other in views/priority !!
it also absolutely kills me the way that gwen begins (like you say) atsv quitting the band and isolates herself, and then throughout the whole thing she finds something/someone that she wants to take that leap for, all over again :') she (and the entire spider-team!!) is willing to bet everything on miles and is ready to fight for him, and i really just love the idea that miles just is a force that inspires good !!!! IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT LOVE!!!
#and . i dont think she would have done this without reconciling with her dad and that entire speech.#i do think that acceptance and love meant everything to her when she was at her lowest and it pushes her to do more +#AND it shows her canon events arent necessarily end alls. and it reflects in how she tells miles parents how much he loves them#just feel like. gwen now believes that love he has couldnt ever be bad. and it shouldn't have to make the world end...#and she believes it wont. AUGH#also been thinking that it's such a fun way to reflect that 'parker luck'#where yknow . where peter just cannot balance his two identities#and usually a spider-man success means something in his personal life goes badly#and idk i love when things are acknowledged to be like. the RESULT of being spider-man .#its fun to me. perhaps i am analysing media wrong. but tragedy magnet spider-man is so fucking depressing on many levels#and that opens up barbie dreamhouse levels of fun to me#generally superheroes creating their own enemies on accident . like ssm's venom was a goldmine to me i enjoyed that interpretation so much#i dont think miguel was right tho . fate of the multiverse/anomaly/etc I DONT CARE OLD MAN. UR OPINION WAS OVER WHEN U STARTED BEEF W MILES#and so sorry this took forever to reply to omg i adored reading this meta !!!!!#answered#disinherits#long post#sorry everyone the floor was open for my deranged takes again
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thank god chappell roan didn’t release good luck babe in summer 22!
#i unfortunately had a homoerotic female friendship that ended abruptly and tragically#she was my best friend for YEARS like we met when we were 11#i knew i was queer pretty early on but it’s so painfully obvious in hindsight how badly she was repressing everything#we fell asleep together she liked every guy i liked she was invested in every female situationship i had#like it was so painfully obvious what we were but we were just an undefined weird tension homoerotic pair of besties!#she always wanted to know every detail of my sex life w women refused to hear about the men i was w#she would hold me when we watched movies she wanted to do everything w me and she hated me after we graduated hs!#last conversation was on her birthday haven’t spoken to her once since#this song has sent me into a 3 day spiral session if you can’t tell 😭#never fully gotten over her but i see her post w her new friends at her school 6 hours away like cool cool okay#you’re going to ignore i ever existed instead of confronting your feelings okay! don’t know why she wants nothing to do w me anymore tho#crazy stuff it’s been a year and a half since we stopped being friends but i think about her a lot and i wonder if she thinks about me#i have 2 playlists about her she still follows me on spotify but she didn’t even wish me a happy birthday#at the end of the day i hope she figures everything out. you’re nothing more than his wife and all that#this song THIS SONG SHE WONT LEAVE MY MIND#probably delete later. we’ll see cause all my friends are sick of hearing me talk about her but i can’t stop she’s been in my mind since#this song dropped so thanks chappell 🥹🥹🫡
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ok not to randomly go off on a somewhat negative ramble But. (general genshin story direction worries basically)
while there are a bunch of stunts i fear the genshin story slash lore could end up pulling that would serve as not only disappointments but to varying degrees also just retroactively ruin a lot of games writing for me. i dont think theres anything that im as genuinely concerned about as the possibility of like. completely losing their narrative marbles to an overdone time travel/temporal manipulation in one way or another like just the thought of that shit haunts me
bc like. while i dont find them particularly compelling as an argument for that to be the case regarding Everything in the narrative in current lore/theory circles (like. makoto n ei teaming up w istaroth once doesnt automatically establish universal time travel). it is unfortunately true that in canon lore there are many of the kind of lore pieces present that you could use to set that kind of reveal and complete restructuring of the story up. istaroth and the sacred sakura and some shady things said by various characters and how you could argue Any time loop or travel adjacent is just hidden by the irminsul 5head (another piece of writing whose potential misuse seriously alarms me, mind you). and so on.
and i am just. Not about any of that shit. like. for me absolutely any plot device or element that has the risk of fundamentally fucking up a storys continuity and coherence sideways to the degree BOTH the
"genshins gonna turn out to be ALL time travel/time loop/simulation to make [sudden endgame twist X heavily at odds with what was established in the central lore prior] appear sensible"
and
"celestia just irminsuls away all evidence for [that twist X again] so achsually it was always genius and compatible with lore"
tier of nightmare scenarios will have. is just. Not fucking worth it. this shit has ruined countless stories with vastly better writing and way more competent authors because its just. not the kind of stuff you can just insert in a massive fucking story willy nilly to explain away the mystery box you didnt bother to set up together so it ultimately comes together in a cohesive way that Doesnt need to be broken on multiple levels to scrape together some conclusion. and its just hhhhhhhhhhhhhh
and like ive never expected some massive masterpiece out of genshin like at best its gonna be one of those stories that once finished gets some really fucking banger fanwork as its community expands upon and explores a solid but flawed canon groundwork. theres fundamental flaws and limitations to its storytelling and format and that cant be helped. so im expecting no miracles on that front.
but the one fucking thing i dont want them to fall for is that misguided at best and outright pretentious and disrespectful at worst allure of. SEE! we outsmarted the audience! the theories! we broke our own story continuity to force a twist because our established worldbuilding technically makes it an option! isnt this smart!
like just please. no. no clue how unpopular this is but im already quite conflicted on the established use of irminsul in sumeru and how it arguably voided a lot of important characterization (nahidas inferiority complex) and narrative potential (scara literally becoming a non factor in the grander story more or less) for good but like. for now. fine. it hasnt become overused yet. i dont think its inherently bad as a factor of worldbuilding. i like how it recontextualizes fact and fiction and the significance of stories that appear mere fables in the world of teyvat. but as it stands the irminsul is still a deus ex machina. and thats a dangerous tool for any writer to have in careless use. and when combined with the sprinkles of lore involving the possibility of time manipulation and such to be further explored. its like powder and keg. two tools that can absolutely gut a story of its narrative cohesion and the weight of its stakes in an instant. its really fucking worrisome.
genshins writing is flawed but the one thing this game has going for it that i REALLY hope the writers will understand to respect is its world. how much the marriage between this massive and beautifully crafted immersive open world and the intricacies of lore and history afforded to all corners of it truly do in tandem to establish the world of genshin as more Real. as weightier. as a place you grow and remain attached to even when the main storys writing stumbles. the world is so important and to let it remain feeling real is just. i hope they understand how fragile of a gem that is.
featuring an artificial world order established by fraudulent divinity and that involving some degree of cosmic fuck-uppery of the natural order and all-encompassing illusion to maintain it is fine. this is a story heavily referencing gnosticism that theme is literally a given. but it needs to be an artificial world order imposed on a real world that remains feeling real the entire time through. and for that to be preserved it needs to remain grounded.
but the problem is that once a story truly commits to the "anything could be altered and fundamentally reversed with the right mcguffin at play with seeming impunity" there is no going back. it becomes very fucking difficult to keep the figurative feet of a narrative even touching the ground for even the most skilled of writers afforded absolute creative freedom to work with (which genshin does not have). and just that much more easier for the stakes to be lost completely. and i dont want to see that scenario become reality
#like. idk i wont speak as an authority in this bc i quit before the moon arc finished but#while it doesnt to my knowledge necessarily feature the exact kind of deus ex machina that i worry abt with genshins story#the impression i did get from the start of the arc that i attempted to play thru and just from overall hearsay#(and arguably these cracks started showing much earlier too anyway)#hi3rd kinda fell victim to this weightlessness of its world developing and what shouldve been a brilliant finale just#never landed as it could have. the story lost focus tje world became a jumble of new lore drop and wall of science jargon text after anothe#i genuinely couldnt keep up with the last few arcs. flamechasers were carried by their personalities and pink jesus but like.#writing and narrative wise? its highly questionable and a mess. anyway idk where exactly im going w this uhhhh ig that like#even the hoyo game (over. arguably)hyped the most for a good story ended up with this lackluster implosion of its weight n potential#and reveived mixed response (afaik again) or had ppl outright quitting like myself bc it just wasnt pulling my heart in anymore#anyway i do have plenty of other gripes w genshins writing n other fears but this ones just the biggest one. all the others are like#more subjective and less all encompassing in how badly they would affect the rest of the story#in the end this is just random rambling and me being paranoid abt what to me is the worst case scenario#lets hope im wromg and if uou read all this bullshit get a sticker HSJSJSKFKSK 😭😭#genshin#rambles#long post
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When you finish reading a novel and it's like
#tashi bumbles#you dont understand how badly i want to scream because of this novel#love the storytelling and the dynamic between the mc and ml and the world building#well considering its quick transmigration and 5 separate worlds + the og world like the basics were down and wasnt to hard to understand#anyway the reason im currently about to roll around the floor like im in extreme pain is because of the last world and og world#mind you that theyre all happy endings including og world but ahem here we go#fUCK DID IT HAVE TO END THAT WAY IN THE 5TH ONE LIKE IT HAD ME WEEPING AND SOBBING AND DEHYDRATED#I HAD TO PUT DOWN MY PHONE AND TAKE A BREAK WITH HOW HARD I CRIED FUCK YOU#oh wait yeah 5th world was more bittersweet than any of the others in my opinion btw#not to say the other ones were worse but like the 5th was more emotionally charged and heartbreaking#and then the og world like brings attention to a detail that you wont notice until you finish it because its the last line of the novel#and then its like yOU DANGLED THAT INFO IN FRONT OF ME SINCE THE BEGINNING??? YOU DARED???? AND YOU ENDED IT WITH THAT???#i dont normally read the world hopping ones because it can get confusing to me about the details and characters but this was worth it#even if the ml was always a jerk and ass in the beginning of all of them and kinda stays that way but more of a simpy yandere way to the mc#made more sense in my head#the translations were pretty good for it too like my brain didn't suffer lile it usually does from mtls#you dont know true brain exercises until you try reading from the mtlnovel site regularly#back to the point i can say the novel was 4.5/5 and not a full 5 because fuck you it made me cry#would i read it again??? not unless im emotionally prepared so maybe i will one day 💖
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but anyways its crazy how seto and kido are essentially doomed for obscurity cuz like theyre the last characters to receive backstories + their backstories are contained entirely in the novels, which is like, the least accessible kagepro media. and not just in terms of how difficult they are to buy (i think... im too lazy to research this. cuz like measuring that in diff parts of the world (like say US vs my country) is blehhh) but also in terms of like, how easy it is to go thru. cuz like surprise surprise a manga is leagues easier for a person to go thru than a novel. same for an anime. and not to mention that bc kagepro is a franchise that has strayed from the light of god, the novels, just like every other kgpr media, expects you to know other kgpr media in order for you to understand it. so yeah the novel is not just tough shit to get (legally), but its also tough shit to even understand. (and also getting it illegally isnt super easy either bc ppl these days are sadly straying away from the blessed art of piracy)
WHICH SUCKS!! FOR MY TWO KIDS!! SETO AND KIDO! cuz all of their core character development + plot contributions are Novel-Exclusive. like they did not do jack shit in the manga. and the anime is hysterical to me bc it adapted the first 6 novels (first 5 cuz thats what was released at the time and some of novel 6 cuz i guess jin had figured tht plot point by then), but not the last 2 novels. AND ITS THESE LAST TWO NOVELS that have setokido development.... ohh it is a big joke. a sad joke. cuz most kgpr fans are not going out of their way to read the novels. so theyre not gonna learn the deal abt these characters in the manga, or in the anime. at least w the songs kido is a bit better off cuz she got never lost word with an awesome MV. BUT SETO.... HIS MV ISNT EVEN OFFICIALLY ONLINE ANYWHERE!!! its so bad for him. its bad for the both of them but especially him since hes like, deliberately designed to blend into the background. but its bad for kido too. man.
#need to lock kano in a wooden crate and send him down a waterfall so badly..... i need this#shintaro can get in the crate too. theyve gotten too much development. bye guys#after i finish rewatching the anime ill make my listtt my list of what medias the different characters#get character development. and i sadly already know my two kids seto and kido#are gonna have such a small list..... its so bad for them#kgprambling#seto tag#and also how like even ppl who read all of the novels still wont get seto bc of how#he was written out to express his grief so subtly grhrhehgheh#also fireworks at summers end isnt a seto song thats a mary pov. augh
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i just finished the brief lives arc, and... ow
#i took notes bc i cant screenshot panels on my phone so ill probably post some of my reactions over the weekend#but oh this hurt my heart#and like. seems probable that dreams gonna die or be badly hurt bc of this so that sucks!#but even without that...#theyre all so unhappy#destruction had to cut off everyone he knew and loved just for some passing contentment#and the rest of them wont contemplate leaving so theyre just stuck in the bullshit forever#mostly too divided to even be kind to each other#also some cruel kind of worldbuilding for delight-- the most overtly good one-- to be the one who couldnt last as she was#also: poor orpheus#grow up w parents who are growing apart. wife dies at your wedding. disown your dad#be lonely for years and then get TORN APART. get disowned by your dad. and then spend thousands of years mostly alone as a head#and then die knowing that helping you end your suffering is condemning your dad to some horrible fate#...fuck did calliope get to say goodbye?#there was no indication of it but what a dick move on both their parts if not#the sandman
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I'm only going to be reblogging Scar fanart with him in a wheelchair from now on unless I forgot to take any out of my queue btw
#the reason is ive been thinking about it the past few days and like it would feel odd to draw my family member with a monility aid they#use. it feels like when people draw scar with a mobility aid that he doesnt use its just 'convenient'#wether that be for the artists ability to draw or plot or whatever#and i was admitedly guilty of this too but over the last few years ive realised how thats kind of shitty to do#obviously im not going to police people to draw scar in a chair#he himself doesnt care#and he said hes not a fan of the tubes i think#BUT that doesnt mean i'll interact with posts that do#this is in all my blog and i personally just prefer it when people put effort into making sure that aspect of him. character or otherwise#is represented as what it actually is and not just what is convenient.#dont* i mean mobility aid they dont use*#if you dont draw wheelchairs 'well' then just. do it badly? put time into learning how to#thats like saying 'i cant draw legs therefore i will end all my drawings at the top half'#and never improving.#plus. guess whats harder than drawing a wheelchair?#anyway im rambling here. basically i just enjoy posts with scar in a wheelchair more than ones without therefore thats what i will interact#with.#i still wont like the posts i dont reblog i never do
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#i love how im in the middle of a mental breakdown and im still made to feel guilty abt feeling how i feel#i hate it here!! and its all my fault so i guess theyre right i have no reason to complain#its rly hard to find a reason to not just kms at this point#i doubt it would even matter to anyone besides my pets if i did#i probably wont but god i just want everything to end#im sick of ppl talking so badly abt me for just existing#i felt good abt myself today too!! and now thats ruined bc i couldnt just hold everything in#u would think if u find someone crying u would have even an ounce of sympathy instead of trying to play the victim but i guess not#ignore me#<< okay so i went on a walk and i feel better after talking w my brother so i guess im feeling slightly less like i want to kms#also we saw someone walking their cat!! i guess its the little things that matter idk#no but rpy ignore this i just needed to vent im okay i promise
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i think in the time since i played shb for the first time i have never seen a proper discussion/analysis of full fathom five. which makes me almost kinda sad because its my favourite :(
full fathom five is the very first version we ever hear, but by the end of shb & its patches i feel like there's a sense of evolution to it; we come to associate the melody so strongly with the past, and it extends to the music itself, where neath dark waters ends up feeling older, and full fathom five feels like the odd one out for not being directly associated with the ancients in some way. except (in my mind at least) it is related to the past, in the same way that the sundered world is related to the unsundered one, as a successor/the thing that comes after.
and to me that feels kinda like a nice little encapsulation of a lot of what shb is about, the relationship between past and present and moving on, how full fathom five carries the same basic structure as the other renditions, but is completely different in every other respect, including the usage of instruments that don't show up in the others, like the melody itself is a remnant of the past, and full fathom five is what it becomes eventually when it takes on a different form, the same way the ruins of amaurot become an ocean.
and this next bit is connected but idk how to segway into it naturally so ill just say it, but on a more individual character level, i think if neath dark waters & its lonely piano is not just for amaurot in general but also more specifically for shb emet, then full fathom five and its liveliness is for the wol and the scions, who make it out alive & healthy despite the dangers they're in & who are full of a desperate hope for the future despite their circumstances, and its for the tempest as it exists in the present, still full of beauty and life despite the wreckage that came upon norvrandt (also still living and still moving forward) -> the contrast between the doomed nature of emet's efforts to regain a past he'd already lost vs the wol + scions whose future is bright & hopeful
#& its also just....very sweet & nice & lovely#the way the tone of the story around that point is so anxious and tense#and the characters so fearful#& then you reach the tempest and its like all at once every aspect of how the story is delivered to you works hard to dissuage you of that#anxiety and fear. the tempest is dark and shadowed (taking you away from the glaring light that has signified hopelessness and defeat#throughout shb); the environment is beautiful and wondrous#and the music is so sweet and lively almost kinda whimsical its like the story is saying ''ofc it wont end badly for the wol/scions''#ffxiv
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Ever listen to a song you've heard a thousand times, but suddenly one of the lyrics just jumps out and gut punches you from nowhere?
#yeahhh#ivy hurt me today#id live and die for moments that we stole on begged and borrowed time#pLEASE im emotional enough today#taylor swift#anyways in keeping with tradition the tags are now my diary#ex texted last night really messed up over something#based on the past month of radio silence im ASSUMING they were dating again and it ended badly#but anways they would give me details even though they reached out to me#so i texted their sister to do a check in#which shes doing so all is fine he'll have support#but like.. i want to be there for him#even after everything hes one of the best friends I've had#but he wont let me be there for him for this#which if it was a relationship thing i get#but like now all i know is that my friend is hurting and theres nothing i can do#it wouldn't eve be the first time i gave him relationship advice#back when we were on again off again before getting serious we talked about shit all the time#but its different now and im having trouble accepting that#my love isnt conditional on it being a romantic relationship i just want to be there but all i can do is respectfully stay out of it#and i hate that so much#also doesnt help ive been struggling with feeling distant from everyone in general#so now thats compounded
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god the centipede project is so fucking funny to me. still. who the fuck thought this thing was EVER a good idea
#yeah just fill random chitauri scraps with every known causative agent of superpowers discovered thus far#up to and including extremis#and glue it permanantly to a human#that wont end badly at all#sometimes i forget how uninged aos is#like WHAT each of these things INDIVIDUALLY goes incredibly poorly more than half the time#WHY do you think a combination would make it better#like yeah just make supersoldier hulk that can also EXPLODE#absolutely normal idea here
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venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍
haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(
#going to try and stay awake until lunch at least and yhen maybe ill take a nap. but i need to be able to sleep rpoperly tonight#at least i know im only feeling depressed bc my period is due which means my meds dont work how they should#like its kind of weird n psychologically interesting to feel so depressed again suddenly bc i havent been at all lately#well theres not much i can do abt feeling sick and in pain but ill take it easy. wasnt planning on leaving the house today anyway#and i do need to find a way to talk to ppl abt shit im struggling to communicate bc it really does bother me. and i dont want to do this#im tired of keeping everything in and wound so tightly i just want to feel seen and safe around someone please. please 🥹#its all well n good getting along with people better than i rver havebut if they still wont support me when im going through it#then it fades into shallowness like our friendship still has value. but im unable to feel close to them or safe around them#and right now im glad im doing so well im glad of so manynthings but its so scary to know that if i start doing bad again there is#noone and nothing there to catch me i dont have anything in the way of a safety net just myself. so better not fall 👍#and irs been makinf me feel so horrible lately bc my mum has been trying to emotionally drpend on me again and its making me feel like#when i was a teenager again and i was fighting for my fucking life against what i didnt know was mental illness and i had no outlet and#nowhere to go and i wanted to die so badly and meanwhile everyone around me was completely unaware and making me handle all of their#emotional issues and i was trapped there absorbing everyone elses damage and not being able to express mine and thankfully i didnt kill#myself and i got out and ive gotten so much bettee and worse and better sinxe and how i feel now is nothing like that really but im just#being reminded of it a lot and how hard expressing myself is and sometimes it feels like ive made so little progress#in thetorture labyrinth out here. but i dont want to do this forever i need to get better at expressing i just need people to support me#but i feel unsupported its like thin ice. but its alsonmy fault for not trusting. i dontnknowwwww.#maybe when i dont have to pay for private meds anymore and when i get this raise at the end of the year ill try therapy again#i dont think itll solve the issue bc its the ppl i care abt in my life that i need to be able to talk to. but maybe i can get some#better tools to help me be able to do that. i dontnknow i dont want to think about it anymore actually im going to go do smth else#sorry for venting its been a really nice weekend genuinely feeljng so good in general atm. and yeah i still struggle with the same things#but generally ive been handling their effect on my mental health so much better!!!! like im still feeling okay regardless of them#but they are still there and i will need to go from tolerating them to dissolvjng them at some point if i want to feel okay long term#it doesnt have to be like this. and i do actually truly believe that for once which rly is a sign of how much prpgress ive made!!!!#working on my shit is a fucking lifelong project....as im sure it is for everyone else too. all of our first time on planet earth#we will get through yhis. and anyway how i feel now is super temporary jsut triggered by a few thingsand ill keep reacting to them this#way until i managr to properly resolve them properly instead of folding them nicely and tucking them out of view#bleugh. okay yeah thats enough for now. meds softening the edges too ive stopped crying which is smth#chilling for a bit n then im going to watch some tv or a movie and iron and polish my boots and after lunch i might draw. or not we'll see
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#the classic severely sleep deprived opening shift after traveling alone for a show#i think pretty much every time i chose to lose sleep was worth it#this is probably the best i can hope for out of my entire life#which is not to be pessimistic#things are so normal and neutral right now its scary#if they were doing much better i think i would freak out and do something to fuck up my life just to feel more safe#in fact i think we're approaching that threshold#idk i really have done enough this year havent i#really caused a scene or two#all i want is neutrality#i dont want good i dont want bad. i pray things stay completely mid as long as possible#none of this is going to last. i want so badly to just cherish it while its here#and i pray at the end it hurts enough to last the rest of my life#that way i wont forget it#like ive forgotten everything else#my head feels like a wound rn
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