#this whole process of wait a week to get in with the ENT then wait another week to get the CT scheduled

[wallabywannabe]

I called the ENT office to leave a message to ask if I could get started on antibiotics or something because the pain is getting worse and I don't want to wait 6 days until my appointment, and the front desk person was like, "ok what's you're date of birth?" and I gave it to her and she kept trying to tell me happy birthday! And I was like oh yeah thank you that's very sweet but really not what I care about right now!

A diagnosis for my birthday? Could I be so lucky?

[christyscancerjourney]

How I found out I had breast cancer

In May of 2021 I noticed a lump on my breast and also a swollen gland on my neck. I went to my doctor about my neck, and they said they referred me to an ENT because they thought it was from a sinus and ear infection that was causing the swollen gland to form in my neck. They prescribed me a week of antibiotics and when that didn't work, I got put on a stronger antibiotic. The lump in my breast didn't get any better nor did the lump on my neck I then was scheduled for a mammogram. I was very hesitant about getting a mammogram done because I am very small chested anyways and figured if it was cancer or anything bad, I would know. So, I went for the mammogram and the spot that I was feeling was really something of concern, so they quickly scheduled me for a biopsy the next day (which was scary in itself). They let me know that i would be back in a week for the results. I was at work 4 days later and I got a call from my regular doctor and the nurse said that the doctor would like to see me right away. I asked her if I could schedule an appointment for the next day or after I had got off work and her response was " he really needs to see you today" my heart sank. I knew it wasn't anything good if he was willing to see me as soon as I could get there without an appointment, I quickly called my sister-in-law and told her what the nurse said, and she said " don't go alone. where is your appointment and I will meet you there. So I let her know and was scared the whole time waiting. See my sister-in-law has been on a cancer journey already and has been in remission so she would be the support i needed at that time. She met me at the office which was an hour away from where she lived. When we walked in she held my hand and said, " it will all be ok and that I just needed to stay calm and breath" and that is what I did, I checked in and they brought us back to the room. Deep down I already knew what he was going to say but it had not sunk in yet, and then I heard the words " I'm sorry to tell you this but the biopsy came back and it's cancer" my heart sank even more. I was frozen, tears rolling down my cheek and so scared. My sister-in-law stepped in and was amazing. She knew what questions to ask, asked if they could send a referral to KU med for me to see the oncologist there because they are the best group of doctors to go to if you have cancer here in Missouri and Kansas, He told us that he had already put a referral in to them and that I would just have to wait for them to call me about setting up my appointment to be seen to start this journey. That was a wait lifted that they were on top of it before even seeing me. We then drove around for a while so I could calm myself down and process everything that I had just been told. Her favorite thing is coffee so we stopped at a QT and got a drink before I asked her to take me to my husband's work so I could let him know what was going on. I didn't even know how to tell him or how I was going to tell him this news. I mean we had only been married for 8 months. We hadn't even been able to enjoy a few years before knowing our life was about to change. Marriage is tough sometimes as it is without throwing a cancer diagnosis in the mix. So, we got to his work, I walked into his office and hugged him as tight as I could and told him " I have cancer!" He was shocked at first but held it together. I also remember telling him that this wasn't something that he signed up for and I'm sorry. He said yes, I did, I said for better or worse and in sickness and in health so that was a relief. So, I hugged him tighter and then it sunk in. How am I going to tell my kids, my mom and stepdad and everyone that I care about and love that I have cancer? How am I going to deliver this news to everyone when I can barely process it myself?

[amariaamaris]

Of Changes and Revelations

I got this idea from the other Marvel and TVD crossover that I did, it is going to be (hopefully) very different. I hope it comes out well and that I do it justice... I’m already working on a second part, I felt that this was getting a little to long! Please let me know what you think and if there are any grammar/spelling/punctuation things that need fixing. Constructive criticism is always welcome. This took me forever, there were so many roadblocks and questioning myself on if I actually wanted to write this. Thanks to my sister pushing me and my imagination running wild with promises of what I can do in the future with this... I decided to go through with it... so enjoy!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

After it’s all said it done; after Esther failing in killing her children, Bonnie’s mother being turned to break the link, Abby bailing (again), Klaus forcing Bonnie to break the spell Esther did... The expulsion of magic that resulted inadvertently saved Finn’s life, knocking out the scooby gang in the process (including most everyone in the town). While also setting fire to anything flammable within the radius of the town (leaving only a select few homes and buildings untouched). It’s safe to say all the white oak is gone... along with multiple buildings.... (oops?) The poor trees are all fried, though luckily they have strong bark, so they’ll survive (it also helps that Bonnie helped to heal them).

All of it coalesces and brings Bonnie to locking herself up in her grams house for as long as she pleases with no acknowledgement of the outside world. She had methodically gone through the house and unplugged the internet, tv’s, shut down her phone, and all other electronics. She just wants to be left alone, Bonnie is exhausted; she’s tired of being used, abused, and taken for granted.

She had found a boundary spell in one of the grimoires to keep those with ill or selfish intent off her property and the fu- away from her (especially certain vampires). In the middle of the week Bonnie left her grams house and went to the school. At the beginning of the week she set up this time to test out of high school.

Bonnie made sure to blend in with the crowd to not be spotted by her “friends”; they may have not seen her, but she definitely saw them. She took the test within three and a half class periods and got the hell out of there. Bonnie drove away like a bat out of hell and made it back to her grams house as fast as she possibly could. She had completely moved into her grams house throughout the one after another of the supernatural shit show that she now calls her life (or rather did call her life). Not like her father was ever around for her to bother staying in his house.

The plus side of testing out of high school is that she can go and get whatever she needs without being worried about being ambushed by her “friends” or the Mikaelson's. Bonnie has also decided that she is going to take all the time that she needs to spend on self-love, working with her magic to learn, and embrace it joyfully. She also has been spending time in meditation and speaking with all of her ancestors. For once in her life, Bonnie Shelia Bennett has finally decided to be selfish and damn the consequences.

Little did she know that her new change would go right along with a huge change that will flip her world on its axis and bring up deeply buried memories.

————

Rudy Bennett knew that this day would come, he knew that eventually they would hunt him down. After all, he did abandon his post, he cut off all contact and went rogue. In doing so, also kept his child away from her culture and her people. He knows that if they find out about her and his lack of parenting, that would sign his fate.

Rudy couldn’t hide his shaking hands as he poured himself a drink and promptly chugged what was in his glass. He did decide that he wouldn’t run or hide, he was going to wait for them to come. He just got done pouring his second one when the lights flickered off; causing a shiver of fear to run down his spine, he could also feel sweat on the back of his neck.

When the lights flickered on, there were two Dora Milaje standing on the other side of his desk. Still as stone holding their vibranium spears, with the king and his cousin standing in between them. Both in different black panther suits (armor?), causing Rudy to gulp. Rudy could feel more sweat break out on his skin as he warily stared at his king.

“D’Kadi Dzube, you’ve been missing a long time.” Rudy or rather D’Kadi watched as both the men tapped on their collars and watched as the mask melted away and showed their faces. Rudy could hear his blood rushing to his ears as he felt himself pale a little. “You were once my father’s most trusted war dog. Then one day, you disappeared without a trace. Just a few months ago we found you... we also found some very interesting information. D’Kadi Dzube you have a daughter that you hid from your people. From my understanding you have been neglecting her as well.”

Rudy could hear ringing in his ears and the blood rushing through his body, he could imagine that he looked white as a sheet. Everything was blurring and before he knew it his eyes were rolling and he fell into darkness.

————

Bonnie could feel something coming to the depths of her bones, it would cause her to pause as her hair would stand up on its ends. Which would lead her to looking out the windows, but there was nothing there. It got to the point where Bonnie decided to add an extra warding to the house rather than the property. Evidently to keep anyone away from the structure of the home, while still being able to enter the yard (only if they pass the wards on the property that is).

Bonnie had started a cute little herbal and vegetable/fruit garden in her backyard, along with some landscaping spanning around the whole house. Along with flowers on both sides of the pathway walking up to the house. Bonnie has never before felt this free and happy. That doesn’t change the fact that she still feels a phantom twinge of pain when she thinks of how her friends haven’t even tried to come visit her. Not. A. Single. One.

Hell! Even Klaus showed up! Not that he could get on the property and it’s not like he was checking up on her... but still! Bonnie lets out an annoyed huff and shakes her head as she focuses back on her plants at the front of the house. She tries to work through her agitation; at her friends, the Mikaelson’s, the Salvatore’s, her parents, her grams for not teaching her from the beginning, at herself for not being smarter and wiser, and Bonnie might as well add the world to the list to. 

She very quickly finds herself falling into a flow of taking care of the plants as everything washes away. Bonnie has found that in many instances doing something like this puts her in a meditative trance that helps to center her. Two hours pass with Bonnie working on her plants, when she hears a car drive up and park on the curb.

Bonnie allows herself to slow down in her landscaping work, but doesn’t turn around - even as she hears the car doors open and shut. She can also hear strangely accented voices talking, both male... but she can sense more people with them. Hearing them coming closer makes Bonnie glad that she chose to wear a wide brimmed straw hat that belonged to her grams (she’s rather not have people recognize her before she can tell whether or not they are threats). 

“Excuse me? Are you the daughter of Rudy Bennett and Abby Bennett....” She freezes, but gives no answer. Bonnie can already feel her magic gathering, ready to motus the hell out of all of the people behind her. Receiving no answer, the people behind her exchange looks, “Granddaughter to Shelia Bennett?” Bonnie feels her agitation spike, causing her to rip off her dirty gardening gloves and throw them to the ground.

Bonnie turns around to look at them, noticing two men that look like cousins, two bald women that have what look to be tribal tattoos on their heads, and a random white man wearing clothing far heavy for how warm it is. Bonnie can practically feel her magic crackling at her fingertips and through her hair. “That depends on who is asking and why...?”

One of the cousins move to step forward, but upon seeing the look on her face, thinks better of it. Though, that didn’t stop him from kindly smiling at her, “My name is T’Challa, this is my cousin N’Jadaka, these two women are Okoye and Ayo, and this is James Barnes. I would like to speak to you about your father.”

Bonnie studies all of them and then flicks her eyes back to T’Challa, before she can respond with something biting, she hears whispers upon the wind. She allows herself to slightly tilt her head to listen better. After a few seconds Bonnie focuses back on T’Challa and the people he brought with him. “I’m not interested in talking about the sperm donor that calls himself my father. I could care less what type of underground cultish mafia he got himself into. If he owes you anything make Rudy deal with it, his problem’s aren’t mine to deal with.”

Bonnie quickly makes her way onto the porch of the house - without turning her back on them (she doesn’t have a death wish) - already knowing that whoever these people are, they aren’t going to let her off easily. N’Jadaka, the man with weird bumps all over his extremely musc- no! Bonnie quickly mentally shakes herself as he snickers with a smirk on his face. “I don’t think I have ever heard someone call people from Wakanda a cult or mafia. The little kitten does have a point cousin.” He runs his tongue over his teeth, “She should be wary, she knows nothing about her father’s history. “

“N’Jadaka...” T’Challa gives him a sharp warning look, not noticing Bonnie moving to open the front door to slip inside. “Where do you think you’re going kitten? We said we wanted to talk that’s what you’re going to let us do!” He moves to go onto the porch, but feels like he hit a brick wall, N’Jadaka also gets a nasty zap throughout his entire body. Causing him to hiss slightly in pain as the group takes notice of the wind picking up and hissing whispers upon the wind (not that they could make out what they were saying). They do notice how Bonnie seems to understand exactly what is being said upon her head whipping around to face the road. All of them watched as she ripped off her hat and lightly tossed it onto the porch swing, they heard the sharp angry hiss escape from her as her green eyes darkened.

The group from Wakanda evenly spaced themselves out as they turned upon hearing a car door slam, they all watch as a long blonde haired young woman walked around the car and onto the property. “Bonnie! Where have you been? We have all been trying to get a hold of you, you haven’t been at school, you haven’t been answering your phone or showing up to practice! We’ve been worried! Honestly Bonnie Bennett you better have a good reason for completely cutting all of us out of your life... who are these people?!” Bonnie stares at Caroline for a few seconds realizing that her chest no longer hurts when thinking of her ex-friends. In fact Bonnie realizes with sudden clarity that there isn’t pain when she thinks of her friends, only white hot fiery fury and looking at Caroline only makes her annoyance and fury rise at the audacity that she had to show up to her grams house unannounced at her house, at her sanctuary.

“Who they are is none of your business Caroline, in fact they were just leaving, like you will be. I’m not particularly in the mood to talk to people that ruined my perfectly peaceful day by arriving unannounced.” Turning her attention to the curious onlookers Bonnie continues “I don’t care to talk about Rudy and whatever shit show he’s gotten himself into,” looking to Caroline “and I don’t want to be forced to listen to lies! I’m well aware that none of you have noticed my absence up until a couple days ago. I’m also aware that none of you actually care for me, all of you just see me as some weapon to be used. Well I’m done being your sword and shield. I want all of you the hell off of my grams property. Do whatever you want with Rudy, it’s not my problem and I want nothing to do with it. Caroline you and the rest of those assholes can shove your lies and demands up your asses. I’m not going to be your quick fix to problems you brought on yourselves. Grow the fuck up and deal with them yourself! Now get the fuck off of my property!”

The front door slams viciously behind Bonnie, whose screaming voice still echoed in the air with whispers following it, the group from Wakanda all had their eyebrows almost to their hairlines. While Caroline’s jaw was dropped almost to the ground in shock and hurt. “You should leave Care-o-line, you’re no friend of hers.” N’Jadaka’s voice quickly pulls her out of it and brings up her misplaced righteous fury. “Oh, really, I am her friend. Who the hell are you? From the way it was looking none of you are friends of Bonnie’s! I’m her best friend!! You had to have done something to upset her, she would have never said something like that or treated me that way! All of you are the ones who should leave!”

N’Jadaka moves to step forward, but James puts his hidden vibranium arm in front of him and says only one thing in a harsh warning tone. “Erik...” Causing Erik to suck on his teeth for a second then back down. While T’Challa steps forward with his hands up in the universal sign of peace. “Miss...” Caroline huffs out her answer to his silent question, “Caroline Forbes!” He immediately gives a soft smile, “Miss Forbes, I believe all of us need to leave Bonnie alone for the time being. If it makes you feel better we will get into our car first, but we will only be leaving after you drive away. She is important to our people and I will not risk something happening.” Caroline works her jaw as the gogs in her brain slowly turn, her eyes sharpen for a few seconds, but she quickly gives in and slowly, dejectedly nods.

None of them notice the whispers on the wind that one small young Bennett witch listens too as they all drive away, with a contemplating look in her eyes.

————

The next day has Bonnie working in the backyard harvesting the herbs, vegetables, and fruits that she needs. Bonnie gives absolutely no reaction to N’Jadaka’s presence as he walks around the back of the house. “You know it’s seen as extremely rude to not only invite yourself to someone’s house, especially not knocking on the front door.” She has to hide her slight smile upon hearing him huff out a laugh, “I’d love to knock on your front door kitten, the only problem is... I couldn’t seem to get on the first step.” Bonnie can sense the question in his words, but chooses to ignore it and continue her work. She can feel him watching her and gets quickly fed up witch a harsh huff Bonnie stops what she is doing, stands up, and turns to face him.

She has to give herself a few seconds to get accustomed to the height difference between the two of them, to put it simply... he dwarfs her. Not only in height, but in sheer muscle mass, she averts her eyes to try and hide the affect he’s having on her. Bonnie decides to chalk it up to the fact that she hasn’t had any direct human contact for a while. “Look N’Jadaka...” “Erik” His interruption causes her to blink, “What?” Erik let’s out a quiet huff while a smirk plays along his lips. “My colonizer name kitten, is Erik. I’d rather go by it than N’Jadaka... has a lot more pride in it than my other name does.”

Bonnie quietly mouths colonizer with a confused look, but decides that they can come back to that later. “Fine! Erik... just...” Bonnie let’s out breath and frowns as her eyes play across the plains of his face and the outdoors. “I don’t know why... but my ancestors like you and they say that I can trust you. Now I’m going to do something that I never do... I’m going to trust my ancestors.” She allows herself to walk up to him and look him directly in the eyes “and if you ever... and I mean ever break that trust. I will personally find a way to kill you, slowly, painfully, and only when your begging for mercy will I kill you... got it?” While she was talking her finger was poking him in the chest to help emphasize her words with a sickly sweet smile upon her face.

Erik gives a slow smile knowing that he shouldn’t find himself turned on by her threat, but he is. He allows himself to carefully grab the hand she was poking him with and holds onto it. Erik chooses to ignore the quiet gasp that escapes her lips... for the moment “You got it kitten, would you like me to explain what you were very unwilling to talk about yesterday with my cousin?” He watches completely fascinated as her eyelashes shadow her eyes while she thinks it over, when she looks up and focuses back on him, she gives a hesitant nod. “Okay, but your helping me with my garden... if we have to talk about something that I would rather never have to think about again, your going to be useful and help.” Her words pull a sharp laugh out of Erik, as he grins and gives a nod in acceptance.

Once she quickly shows him what do to and what to look for, they start working. As they work he explains everything to her, everything hidden from her, everything that her father has done... everything. It completely shatters her, it obliterates everything she thought she knew about her father and his side of the family, everything she thought she knew and understood about herself; it sends her completely into orbit. She doesn’t even realize that she is crying, nor does she realize that she is raging at Erik and upon his body. Her fists swinging to hit his chest as her magic angrily swirls around them. Bonnie feels as though she is shattered into a trillion shimmering atoms being carried away upon the wind. She can’t tell if she will ever find herself... how can she? Bonnie doesn’t think that she can gather the exploded pieces... how can she find them? They have scattered to the wind getting caught in the trees, falling to the streams of water to be carried and caught elsewhere. Bonnie can’t even feel Erik tightly holding her as he somehow carries her inside of her grans house. And eventually, much later into the night, he helps to pull her back together, but for now. He try’s to help hold together what little is left of Bonnie Shelia Bennett.

As her true name echoes through her entire being...

Ahnika...

————————————————————

I hope you enjoyed it, please let me know what you think. The second part is on its way! Peace, love, and joy!

[anothertimdrakestan]

Stop Talking And Kiss Me  -  Jason Todd x Reader

Words: 1.7

Requested? Yes! From a lovely anon!

“can i request 7 (no i'm not in love with him i like you idiot) and/or 8 (kiss me already) with jason? thank you!!”

LINK TO PROMPTS  -> REQUESTS ARE STILL OPEN!

I love this request! It’s super open so I hope I captured the energy you wanted to create in the studio today lmao. I went for the “will they won’t they” kinda thing because I like the idea of Jason thinking you like Tim but you really have been going after him for months. Jason is too cute I can’t Hope you enjoy!

“Hi. Yes Timothy the Luthor family comes in a week, no they won’t come earlier. No, I’m not calling anyone ‘again’ Tim shut up you’ll do fine we aren’t postpoining. Ok see you in 40 I’m going to another one of the finance meetings I know damn well you won’t be at” you tapped your earpiece, hanging up with your CEO. As the CFO you attended every meeting the higher-ups had about money, it way your job after all. Somehow being Tim’s right hand man meant making excuses to the board about his whereabouts and often his brother’s actions during meetings that were supposed to be money centric. Rushing to the meeting you felt a couple of the papers you were carrying fly off the top of your stack. Deciding they weren’t worth it you continued on not noticing the tall figure following closely behind you.

“Y/n! Hey! I got these uh - papers for you that you dropped” you skidded to a halt coming face to face with Jason Todd, currently the bane of your existence after his last social media storm where he vividly described a pornographic video he was hoping his following could find for him. The “Toddsters” always pulled through for Jason, to the Wayne Ent. board’s disgust. “Hey Todd, thanks.” you smiled up at him as he loomed over you. You really only knew him and Tim, obviously you were close with Tim but you were older than the teen-genius and so it was nice getting closer with Jason over the months. Months, this was because he used to never come in until a couple months ago when you requested he get brought in because you needed him to try to sell new W.E. tech to the “Toddsters”. After that he’d been coming in more frequently, sometimes he sat in on meetings with you and Tim, he was often bringing you and Tim lunch and the three of you would eat in your office while you prepared Tim for afternoon meetings.

Jason was surprisingly reliable. Occasionally you would ask him to bring you coffee or post a video of him asking his following for something, he always complied even if it took some coaxing from you, making promises to dinners together you assumed would never happen in return for W.E. paid promotions. He had grown on you, his goofy smile, aggressive finger guns, and occasionally dark and brooding persona was fascinating. You were constantly enamored by him, and since he’d been coming around the office way more you were beginning to fall for him. Tim knew since you two saw each other and was always trying to play matchmaker even though you both thought the other didn’t like the other, bringing you guys together was a task too difficult for the world’s second greatest detective so Tim just shipped the two of you quietly now. 

As Jason stacked you up with your papers he saw you could barely carry all of them. “Hey let me take these for you, anything for the princess of Wayne Ent” Jason took then out of your arms as you smirked at his nickname for you. He loved calling you princess, noting that Tim was the jester he never really asserted his own position. After an attempt at stopping the nickname it stuck, and you now answered to it happily, but only from Jason. Tim never tried it and when anyone else questioned it, either you or Jason just explained that it just fit. 

“Sure Jay but the board is gonna drag you into the meeting, it will be nice if you go! I’m sure we all want an explanation for your most recent social media activity” you poked his chest while he replied with a wink as he followed you into the meeting. You sat down as Jason dropped the papers on the meeting table with a thump. “Ah, Mr. Todd. Please we have just a few questions do join us” An older man looked up from his laptop, demanding Jason’s presence. Heaving a sigh he slumped into the chair next to you. 

As the second presenter for the meeting got up to walk you through slides at a turtle's pace you realized there was no sneaking out. Even though you were up to date on the company’s finances the rest of the room wasn’t and it was far too rude to leave. Looking over at Jason he had pulled the hood of his sweatshirt over his head, rested his hand on his chin, and was asleep. You watched him draw in deep breaths and exhale, slightly blowing the corner of his hood with each breath, it was nothing short of adorable, but because this was a meeting you couldn’t snap a picture meaning you had to drink in every moment of cuteness. 

As the third presenter got up you considered faking a heart attack. Jason was awake now meaning you couldn’t steal anymore glances in his direction. Anytime you looked at him he was making a goofy face, winking at you, or trying to touch his tongue to his nose. Constantly concealing giggles, by the end of the third presentation your cheeks hurt from smiling. 

When the fourth presentation began you felt a little piece of paper poke your hand. Looking down you saw Jason trying to pass you a note like a fifth grader. Unwrapping his folding-job the note read: Y/n this is a boring meeting why do u go to these? You smiled, pulling a pencil from your bag you flipped the note over and wrote: because Tim makes me so he doesn’t fall asleep like you did. Jason smirked, tearing off a large piece of paper and writing: If you need to sleep you can rest on my shoulder. You scoffed looking at him as he gave his shoulder a little pat, grinning uncontrollably. You glared at him before deciding to shoot your mini shot: Flirting are we Todd? Your heart skipped a beat when a light blush appeared across his cheeks as he wrote: Not unless you’ll let me steal you from your boy toy Tim. Confused you looked at him replying: More like best friend Tim, I’m not a cougar idiot. 

Jason read the paper, his head snapping to you, blurting out in front of the whole board “wait you don’t like Tim!” You felt your own face redden when all heads turned to you. Quietly you mumbled “no I don’t like him” before grabbing the paper and finishing your thought: i like you idiot. Carefully sliding the paper to Jason, you cleared your throat. “Please continue Mr. Smith about the importance of gauging inflation” Willing yourself not to look at Jason you pretended to listen to the presentation while the rest of the board slowly lost interest in the little interruption. 

Deciding the coast was clear you glanced at Jason who was re-reading your note over and over again. He looked up, making direct eye contact with you, mouthing “I like you too princess” you couldn’t help but grin. His hand slip over, dropping the paper and grabbing your hand, pulling it below the table so as to not cause any drama. 

You gave presenter five no attention, too focussed on the fact that Jason Todd was holding your hand. Presenter five finished with a mini lecture to Jason on the importance of keeping his social media pg, he rolled his eyes but eventually nodded, effectively ending the meeting. You pulled your hand out of Jason’s and began organizing the papers you’d brought in as the rest of the board left the meeting room. As the last person left the room Jason practically ran to the door, shutting it quickly. 

Unable to process your excitement you began rambling “so uh, pretty eventful meeting huh? Did you hear anything the second guy said or -” Jason grabbed your hand, pulling you into his embrace. “Stop talking and kiss me y/n” he mumbled, leaning it. As his lips caught yours you could feel him smiling into the kiss, his hands snaking around your waist and pulling you in closer. Pulling away you couldn’t stop smiling. “I think I’m gonna come to Tim’s work more often” Jason admitted, winking at you. You hummed as you moved the papers into the storage system, moving towards the door to leave. “Hey princess lemme get that!” Jason dashed to the door, opening it for you and grabbing your hand as you walked out the door. 

Walking past your company hand in hand with their CEO’s older brother was a lot. For everyone. You blushed as people stole glances in your direction. Jason led you to your office where Tim sat in your chair, feet propped up on your desk.  “Uh hey Timmy” you sheepishly laughed as Tim took in your situation. “Todd I told you she liked you. Same goes for you Y/N. I just can’t believe I lost the bet with Roy I thought you were gonna be pining for each other for at least another week. Dammit” Tim feigned anger but then admitted how happy he was for the two of you. Sitting down for lunch you were exhausted. Finishing your meal you leaned back in your chair, resting your eyes for a few minutes while Jason stroked the back of your hand with his thumb. 

As you slowly woke up you felt your head propped up against something. You realized it was Jason when he gave you a light shake saying “Y/N while I did say you could rest on my shoulder I didn’t think it would be for half an hour, my shoulder fell asleep!” Your few minutes of rest had turned into thirty, jolting up from your position against Jason you checked your calendar realizing you’d missed a meeting. “Relax princess Tim took the meeting, you really think I’d let you sleep through another business meeting?” you snorted “yes I know you would Todd”

“You really do know me too well princess”

[faintlyof]

So now that I’ve finished eating those charcoal briquettes  I accidentally made, I just realized...

It’s probably gonna give me indigestion later. :<

I thought about possible carcinogens and if eating two burnt mini pizzas in 5 years would give me cancer and eventually decided that food is food, waste not want not.

But I kind of forgot that my body also kind of goes IBESLOHNGAIHGIBFOOD and then the acid creeps up my throat and there’s already a lot of damage I really can’t afford any more. :/

I haven’t gone to a doctor about it yet because it was just such a pain in the ass in america to get it looked into. It took 8 months to finally see a doctor who would actually look into why speaking and swallowing and breathing was causing me pain. :/ I mean, not saying that the doctors I went to were bad but you know how health insurance is in america. :/ I mean...

Since I had been living in Japan prior, I didn’t have insurance, so first I had to qualify for insurance which took like 2 months. Then I had to go to a general practitioner maybe? So it was  like another 2 weeks from there. Then I had to wait for a referral for an ENT. Another 2 months. But the ENT I was referred to wasn’t covered by my insurance, so they found a different doctor (cosmetic surgery but also ent?) and I had to wait on that referral. Then once I got that referral I had to wait for an appointment because the clinic only offered about 3 ENT appointments a week and there was a 24 person long waitinglist. During all this, I could barely speak at full volume, so I was whispering and mumbling like mad and really just trying to not talk at all. But my throat does this thing where it will...like pinch? Suddenly mid-word and I cannot speak at all if the full pinch happens, I just gotta cough and sputter for a while and drinking water doesn’t really help. Sometimes I can feel the pinch coming and if I stop talking I can avoid it but talking is basically my job sooo.

But yeah, in the end I finally got an exam (yay throat tube cameras!) and a diagnosis and medication! 8 months after arriving in america despite having started the whole process basically the minute I landed. My throat healed up a bit and I could talk again which was great because I had already lined up a new job in Japan, so I got like 3 months worth of medication and came back to Japan stat!

But now my symptoms are sloooowly showing up again. >< I got a pinch during a lesson today and I occasionally cough up little...like...firm pellet things. I don’t know what they are, nobody seems to know but it happened last time too so I assume it’s related.

[ladyruina]

First story on this site

    Three weeks. It had been three weeks since promotion day and to be honest, I had no freaking clue what Promotion Day even was. Apparently once every month the facility selects someone to be “promoted”, the problem is that the people who don’t make the promotion selection get bare minimum notification. Turns out my sector was just informed that I was transferred to a new sector...no one even knew where I went ...explains what happened to Silica. Today, after three weeks, I woke up to a waiting room. Empty seats on every side and beneath my...tush. The same metal box I lived in for the past seventeen years after “recruitment” and would probably die in. The room had the same aesthetic as everywhere else in the facility, stainless steel walls and flooring with well lit bulbs. Couldn’t tell which type of lightbulb though I’d have to gamble fluorescent bulbs with UV integration, cheap, effective and keeps us alive for a little bit longer. Just how the facility likes it. As per my regular protocol when in an unfamiliar space without a commanding officer I entered a status I have titled, “eyes down, nose out of others business”. It’s embarrassing to say that it took a rough fifteen seconds before realizing that the marks of claws against the floor were EVERYWHERE. You adjust to this kind of thing in the facility, there’s always something clawing up the floors, crawling up the walls or eating your friends upper lobe… rest in peace Franklin. My mind defaulted to entity containment training, signs of anomalous activity identified, analyze the signs: three toed claws, they appear to be dexterous and agile similar to species of avians and raptors. Stage four determine if anomalous being has moved from the ar-, that’s when I finally looked up. Three seats down from me stood a humanoid figure, full combat armor with the exact raptorian legs and feet that produced the scratch marks but the entity was calm almost seemed like it was waiting, same as me save for a bit of an impatient air. It swiftly and repetitively tapped its talons against the ground. Naturally my first thought occurred. “Oh god, is promotion just code word for feeding me to an entity.” I scanned the room only to discover many more entities, some looked very similar to the raptorian entity, others were vastly different. Entities with helmets resembling felines moving from one individual to another, entities with creepy masks that were standing on the walls and ceilings to avoid the clutter on the ground, entities that had no eye holes but spikes at the back on the helmet that vaguely reminded me of bats. All were equipped with combat armor and....facility issue weaponry? Aside from that there were few other schmucks in the room that looked a lot like me, scared, panicked and confused. I looked over to the impatient one only to see it staring at me.

“Shit!” it said in a surprisingly human voice “I-uh, sorry about starin’. It’s always just so weird to see one of you in here.”

“One of...me?” I implored.

“Y’know, an unaugmented.” it gestured at all of me. “So… weird after you’ve gone through the process. So, y’know which one you’ll be?”

I hesitated. “What?” 

“Y’know. Like a raptor, a bat, a cat. That sorta thing.” it seemed to be naming things off the top of its head. “I’m a raptor so you could learn the ropes with me if you end up a part of the pack.”

This fascinated me, I had never been allowed to examine or interview an entity that I had no knowledge of. So a part of me was excited despite realizing that at any moment this entity could unhinge it’s non apparent jaws and rip into my throat with it’s horrific unseen maw. Yet the pioneer sense of exploring the unknown just...overcame me.

“So what are raptors?” I asked.

“Well, you’re lookin at one.” it said in a smug tone. “We’re faster and more dexterous than the others. Only downside is that itchy to move sensation you get due to the energy boost they hook you up with and that these masks keep you alive.”

“I’m sorry what?”

“Heh. yeah, that’s what I said. Apparently The Fixer said that our oxygen has been made “inefficient” by the pollution of the modern world so we’re hooked up with some sorta super oxygen. Apparently it’s the kinda stuff dinosaurs used to breath so that’s pretty badass.”

“And that helps?”

“Gives us the energy to bounce off walls, literally.”

“Fascinating… are the other entities safe to converse with?”

“Ent-? Oh, them? Yeah most of em are chill, might get an extreme one or two but they should be reasonable.”

“Right, thank you.”

“Eh, no prob dude.”

I stood up and began to wander over to one of the “bats” who was standing in a group of its own kin. I began to raise my hand to greet it as I approached, a quick “hey” to get it’s attention only to be interrupted.

“Yes?” it said in a high pitched tone, turning to face me before it even should have known I was on my way. Apparently my shock was apparent as it recoiled quickly. “Right, sorry. I forgot unaugmented wouldn’t know about that. I heard you coming, you’d be surprised how easily you are to hear coming.”

“Echolocation?” 

“Indeed! Along with some other traits.” It said “I’m basically omniscient with these mods! I can tell you anything about this room without even looking at it.”

“Hm.” I smirked. “How about this? What color is my shirt?”

It stared at me for a second before giving a light punch. “Cheating asshole.”

“Just wanted to see if you’re capable of processing color.”

“You could’ve asked.” 

the amusement faded from my expression as I began to realize that what I said was quite apparently a sore topic.

“Oh...sorry.” 

“Whatever.”

I began to awkwardly leave the company of the bats before slumping back into my chair. A few minutes go by and I’m bored out of my goddamn mind. Wish they left me a phone to check, or a magazine to read or a pistol to shoot myself with. Between the embarrassment of my slip-up and the boredom I think the lead would be preferable.

“Excuse me.” said a familiar voice. “I couldn’t help but notice multiple strains in your face aligning with stress that may be caused by the process of transferring to a new region. Is it possible that I may alleviate some of your stress through a formal discussion?”

I looked up, it was goddamn impossible. I heard she was transferred and she just never responded to any message from then on, I thought she either ditched me or… the far more likely scenario, eviscerated or incinerated.

 “Silica?” the name of my best friend. “Silica is that you?”

The entity looked confused. “Curious. You have information on my title but records state that you were only stationed here today.” 

“Silica. It’s me.” I said in a shaken tone. “Devin.”

“Devin…” she stared at me blankly, moments passed by. “Ah yes. We used to be close friends, is this information correct?”

“Yes. so you’ve been here this whole time?”

“Affirmative, Devin.”

“What happened? Why didn’t you respond to any messages I sent?”

Another brief silence. “I just checked my message log, I received none of them under the name of “Devin” or any related pseudonym.” 

“Really?” this was...a bit heartbreaking to say the very least. “You had to keep in touch with Evelyn! I remember the day you got Evelyn’s contact address and you were a goddamn mess. Head over heels! Please tell me you kept in touch.”

Another goddamn pause. “Oh yes, Evelyn. I suppose she was very nice and pretty wasn’t she?”

“What are you talking about?!” the other entity’s started staring at me. I was getting loud. “You sound like you don’t care! You goddamn loved her and now she’s an afterthought?!”

“Please calm yourself. You’re becoming exacerbated and it may draw negative connotations towards you in future conversations with the other people residing in this room.”

I began to look over, the entities around me seemed...concerned. “S-sorry. I’m just hurt is all. It feels like you don’t remember...anything from back at Mind’s Edge.”

“Oh! That I can answer! I don’t!” she said so simply. My heart goddamn sank into the Mariana Trench and she said it so easily.

“You..forgot?”

“Don’t take it personally. Cat units have an AI planted into their brain in order to give them in depth data banks of medical procedures as well as a list of information that may be useful. This unfortunately has to replace long term memories which our AI assistants must remind us of. This also can lead to stunted emotional development. Fortunately though the emotional stagnation only caused depression in earlier Cat units. It also allows us to be proper care takers without having to worry about emotional errors such as becoming overly attached to the patient in therapy settings or panicking in active combat treatment scenarios.”

“I...need some time to process all of this.”

“Acknowledged. Please contact me or another Cat unit if you require any further psychological or physiological aid.”

“Y-yeah, got it. You got it.” That’s probably what I said. Can’t remember if it was actually what I said or not, I was in a haze. Every entity in this room was...a person? My best friend had forgotten about me. The whole world around me just faded. My greatest fear though was...what came next. My thoughts were cut short by the distant sound of heavy claws scraping against the cold metal rang out. As it approached, I could hear the sound of cloth being dragged across the ground. A voice spoke, both high and low pitched with a sort of rattle in its tone.

“Routine Procedures completed. Additional Augmentation scheduled.”

The door on the farside of the room opened.

“Devin.” The creature spoke “Devin Hale. Augmentation scheduled. Follow for Augmentation.”

[thewrongjackpot]

Pidgeot used Whirlwind

Last few days have completely spun me around. I had my third round of chemo this past Thursday, and that in itself went fine. Afterwards, much else started to take a different turn. First of all, there were issues with my re-feeding because I went essentially from eating barley 400 calories a day (if that) to working up over three days to about 2200 calories in a full day. My labs showed some issues with my electrolytes and a couple other things. I had to drop my feeding to almost a fourth of that, and had to go back in for labs on Sunday. 

Sunday is where things get… interesting. I went in for labs, which should have been a 20 minute visit, and we could head back home. I brought up with the nurse that the area surrounding my PICC line looked a little red and there seemed to be some kind of white gook around the catheter. They thought it looked questionable too. So I had to have blood cultures and cultures of the entry site taken. Thinking it could be some kind of infection, I had to go down to the ER for it to be evaluated. What came of it was that more blood had to be drawn, and my PICC line had to get pulled. YUP. I had this thing for barely three weeks. I have absolutely no idea how this even happened, but my line was pulled. UGH. I was and still extremely frustrated that I have to get another one placed because I still can’t be sedated because it’s still not safe (more fun expansion on that to come). Getting the PICC placed sucked. SUCKED HARD. Next, we had to wait to see if I could just go home with some antibiotics or if I had to be admitted. And just my luck, on SUPERBOWL SUNDAY, may I add, I had to be admitted when we already had Superbowl plans because we’re still normal Americans. 

So I mainly had to be admitted because they needed to administer antibiotics by IV, which they had to throw one into my arm because bye bye PICC line. They also needed to watch for fevers for me because I ran one in the ER, and I ran one that night. Initially I was supposed to be admitted only until Tuesday so long as I no longer had a fever for more than 24 hours (which I didn’t), and my cultures came back clear for 48 hours (which they did). 

BUT NO, apparently with me, it’s never been that simple lately. Life has been loving throwing some curveballs. I saw my main doctor on Monday, and we talked (well mainly she talked, I wrote and grunted). We discussed how it seemed like this newer piece in the front of my mouth has been growing pretty rapidly, and it seems the golf ball has been shifting. Despite little pieces of the tumor flaking off here and there, it seems that to some degree, my tumor is still getting bigger, despite what was hoped for. Also, on Monday, I started feeling like I was having more trouble breathing because I was having thicker mucus that seemed to be stuck behind the golf ball. I couldn’t really swallow it or spit it out entirely, so it was causing me some breathing problems. 

So the rest of Monday went like this. I met with an ENT surgeon so she could get a better grasp on my story. She then brought a scope and another surgeon. The purpose of this was to see if in the case of an emergency, they could get a breathing tube in me. The answer is yes, they could. Next, I went and got more MRIs. I tried to tough it as long as I could on my back, but it got to the point where I could not breath. So we got creative, and I was on my side, and they could finish off the rest of the imaging. My doctor came back after they got the MRI results, and yes indeed some areas, especially in my mouth, have still grown significantly, and the golf ball was moving more to the right and back. So I was meeting with the radiologist the following day because they needed to attack this more aggressively, and they feel very confident that this tumor will respond very well to radiation. Lastly, to top it off I was made aware that also in the event of an emergency, ICU has been made aware of my situation, and may talk to me...just in case. OH! And my intended two day stay because of the new changes has now turned into ONE WEEK. I’ll get into this shortly.  

Tuesday, day 3 of this nonsense. So now since the plans have drastically changed, the biggest reason I’m being kept so long is because with me about to start radiation, in the beginning, the tumor will sometimes get bigger before it starts to shrink. This is not ideal for someone who’s golf ball is definitely playing around with the joys and luxuries of breathing. They had also started me on a steroid on Monday to help combat some of that swelling, which on Tuesday, some current swelling went down. The radiologist was in the building earlier in the morning and stopped by (he’s not at this hospital, but in the same system and in a different building down the road). He told us I would be starting radiation today. We got transported there at 11:30, and we didn’t come back til almost 6pm. We talked to the doctor, and he showed up the MRIs with comparisons to the imaging in January, and in that time my mouth portion grew significantly. The portion creeping near my brain grew some, but not much. Not bad, but not great either. For now they’re just using regular (photon beam) radiation as they’re currently focused on my mouth with a short term plan, then in the following weeks they’ll come up with a more complex plan, and possibly switch me over to the proton beam radiation. Radiation is currently set to take place for 7 weeks, Monday - Friday concurrently with chemo. Next, they did a simulation first and made this mask to go over and keep my head in the same place for the treatment. They found a way for me to get propped up just enough that I could still breathe during the whole thing. We had about 4 hours of down time until the actual radiation treatment again. The nurse was super nice because mom winked at her, and she let us stay in the room. I even napped some. Total life saver instead of having to stay in the waiting room that long. The actual treatment is very quick, maybe 20, possibly 30 minutes long. I didn’t feel a thing, but afterwards, you could see the redness on my skin. We got back to the hospital afterwards. Last major thing to happen was the whole main ICU team came up here to talk more about emergency procedures and get introduced to one another. 

Finally, this leaves me here, sitting in my bed, on my laptop, past 2am on what is now Wednesday. I’m going to get a new PICC line placed today before I get a fun five days in a row of chemo beginning Thursday. 

Anyways, I thought the other week was crazy, but this week is way more nuts. However, I'm just going with the flow of whatever and enduring what needs to be to get fixed. I trust in the process and the doctors. And this point, I feel like I've endured a good amount, that these extra morning pokes for blood don't even phase me since I dont have a line to just grab blood easily. I've been through worse at this point.

Hope all of your first week of February has been going better. 

P.S. I’m bald now, well, buzzed, but even the little hairs are slowly falling out.

[midautumnnightdream]

Please ramble more about your les Mis/LOTR crossover concept! Where does each ami find themselves when they wake up, how/where/in what order do they find each other, what do they do upon finding themselves in Arda? I want to know all about this.

Friend! I'm being Very Enabled :D

(uh sorry it took me so long to answer; the last couple of weeks turned out to be A Lot, but the EXTREME WALL OF TEXT of this ramble might at least justify the delay. Consider yourself warned!)

Anyway!

Okay, as I said before, the basis of this concept is Pure Aesthetics, so any "logic" is derived from moving backwards from the result that I wanted. But! There is a sort of method to the madness, which is that the Amis are distributed to Middle-Earth in the same order as they die, spiraling outwards from the central point of somewhere-in-Rohan on the same date they die –so Prouvaire and Bahorel appear closest to each other on the 5th of June 3018 and Feuilly, Joly, Bossuet, Courfeyrac and Combeferre land in a loose circle around them a day later, increasingly further away from each other, but not super far. Grantaire and Enjolras, For Reasons, get propelled a lot further away in separate directions. But more of that later.

So! Bahorel and Prouvaire find each other pretty quickly and establish that something Extremely Weird has happened. Being themselves, they are more excited than confused or upset about the situation and immediately set about exploring this new world. In a way, out of all the Amis they are perhaps the most suited for it: Rohan with vast countryside and mountains and mysterious forests, with the oral culture that honours the poet and glorifies the warrior; the horses, the tapestries, even the shadow of some great evil they do not yet understand but can feel in every unspoken concern – it's something of a Romantic medievalist's dream, isn't it? Sure, they also hear Some Bullshit about the way this country is run and have every intention of doing something about that in the future, but for the time being they are satisfied wandering about the countryside, exchanging songs and stories and exploring that forest they have been warned away from by everyone they meet. (Yes, they totally make friends with the ents, is what I'm saying.) They don't search for the other Amis because they have no reason to assume anyone else died –as far as they know, they're busy living happily in a new Republic. They learn otherwise soon enough, however.

What exactly happens with the next four Amis at first is the part that i'm least clear about – they'd have the same kind of initial confusion about the situation and P&B, but they each know for sure that all their friends should also be dead, and would try to look for them. Probably causing some Unsettling Rumours to spread a bit further than is strictly speaking ideal, but i also want most of them to find each other reasonably quickly, because the group dynamic is more of what i'm into here (esp because Bossuet probably landed somewhere terribly unlucky, poor dude.) Other than that I'm not sure, except that I want Feuilly somewhere with Dunlendings for a little while, because I can just *see* him having Unpopular Dunlending Opinions and getting glowered at by every Rohirrim he stubbornly voices them to.

Anyway, eventually I want that group to come together and... not quite settle, but to have something like a temporary home they can share and come back to, as they figure out what to do next. A place just outside of Edoras, perhaps? The kind of community that is getting increasingly twitchy about the state of affairs in Meduseld, enough to shelter this incredibly weird but friendly and helpful bunch of strangers whom Wormtongue is oh-so-curious about and to help dispel wilder rumours about them ("look they are just foreigners okay? From, um, Lake town. Yeah, Lake town"). Of course, healers are appreciated wherever they go, and so are bards, especially when they have a whole repertoire of songs and stories no one has heard before. Bahorel and Courfeyrac probably know their way around horses, for different reasons, Feuilly also has the kind of skills that would be appreciated and Bossuet, for all his bad luck has the resiliency of a cat who always lands on his feet. And if the lot of them get a bit Sarcastic about monarchy and tend to express the kind of ideas that might get everyone involved into a lot of trouble, well. People are Not happy and they'd welcome anything that goes counter to Orthanc influence in Edoras. Bahorel and Prouvaire still go wandering sometimes, leaving with the herders taking horses to pastures, in effort to find out more about what's going on and how they can help to influence events. But mostly, the Amis stick together.

Things are a bit... tense, once the inital shock passes. There is a lot of unspoken grief between them, for the home and people that are lost to them, for the revolution that could have been, for the future they cannot quite see themselves having in this world, and in a strange way, for each other. The whole situation is just so weird they have no idea how to process it and nothing to measure it against. On top of that, there are people missing in their group: by the time all seven of them come together, it's pretty clear it's just Amis showing up in this world, not everyone who dies, and knowing that the barricade was on a brink of a collapse, it'd make sense for Grantaire and Enjolras to be there too. Still, there is a possibility that they survived, by being taken prisoner or in R's case for being missed because he was asleep – and at this point, no one can quite figure out which option they should be hoping for. Not to mention, Enjolras absence shifts the group dynamic around quite a bit and each of them finds themselves having to pick up some emotional slack – which they do, quite well, but in addition to obvious obligations of coordination and decision-making, there is stuff like Bahorel having to pick fights with Combeferre when he's stressed, so he could argue his heart out without having to hold back, or Courfeyrac and Lesgle taking extra time to attentively listen to Feuilly when he's having Dunlending Opinions. On top of that, they are still trying to find a place in this new world and there is this sense of tense expectation, of coming storm.

Grantaire though. He takes Enjolras's hand, he smiles and when he wakes up, he's in Gondor of all places, all alone and very far from everyone he ever knew. "Now why would you do this, you monster??" you might think. And the answer is, well, symmetry. Aesthetic. Enjolras finds himself alone. So Grantaire must be alone too. On top of that, there is the appeal of our guy Grantaire, just after his big moment of revelation, being put into a situation where he has to live with the full implications of it, without being able to revert back to the expectations as he might if he was surrounded by his friends. Gondor is complicated sort of place. Denethor... is not going to miss a universe-traveler landing in his backyard. Nor would he neither dismiss him out of hand or trust him fully. He knows there is a reason for this, but there is no way to figure out what it could be, no more than he can figure out Grantaire; still reeling with the exhilaration of taking a leap of faith, in some ways a transfigured man, but still with all his foibles. Including talking too much, in references that no one in this world could possibly decipher.

So what happens is, once Faramir catches on to what's happening (because no way is Faramir either going to miss an universe-traveler in his backyard) Denethor pretty much hands R over to him, like "Yeah keep an eye on him and figure out what he's on about, or at least get him to shut up." and whooo boy do i have Thoughts about this character combination. Because Grantaire would be like. Reminded of half of his friends within minutes of meeting this guy (which, ouch) but also.. those sure are some Politics he's got there. Would there be A Debate? Sooner or later, probably! Probably despite Grantaire's better judgement! When on one hand you've got someone who is very convinced of the moral righteousness of his opinions, but is also very open to discussion and very very curious and discerning about what people are not saying, and on the other hand a person who is riddled with guilt over convictions unspoken, who perhaps feels like he owes the arguments to those who are not present to speak them, who's just... not good and not being contrary and shutting up ever. It could get really interesting – not in the sense of anyone getting Converted here, but I feel like both of them would end up with lot to think about (and Grantaire would end up as part of the team going to Ithilien at Important Moment)

And that's the other point – what would Grantaire do here, other than cautiously trying to express A Conviction? Well, mostly he'd try to keep himself afloat. In a moment of irony, in this situation he'd be the only Ami to never doubt that he's not alone in this world: partly it's the context of people around him immediately deciding his presence must serve some kind of Divine Purpose – and well, surely no Divinity would pick him to fulfill some destiny and not the other Amis right? But more than that, it's the fact that he Believes, so utterly, not only in Enjolras but in all of them, to the point of just Knowing they'd never abandon him in such a place. So he waits. And hangs on. And tries his best to fight the darkness on the horizon that seems to physically fog his mind and spirit, because he told Enjolras he's one of them, he's got to at least Try, right?

Onwards to Enjolras then! Okay this is the part that I've thought through the most and (**looks back over the length of the post so far**) Cripes. Umh, I’ll try to keep it concise?

Enjolras ends up at, or very close to Rivendell: this is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, it's as good a place as you're ever going to find if you get dropped into a different universe with no idea what happened or how anything works, and also a very good (and very Aesthetic!) place to heal both physically or mentally but on the other hand, it's very far from where everyone else ended up and no rumour reaches him. So he has no idea what to think: he certainly hopes the others are also around somewhere, but for all his soaring faith, this is not something he can control, so he tries his best to find a way forward regardless of what happens.

So he keeps trying to learn everything he can about the world he is in, mostly with the help of a chatty old hobbit who tells him all the histories and helps him figure out the writing systems (look, everyone can just magically speak Westron okay?) And as fantastical as everything seems, and sundry dark lords notwithstanding, there is a lot that is broken about this world which is perhaps not so different from the one he left behind. All the same, it's clear that fighting Sauron must take the first priority.

(This is what he keeps telling himself when he finds out about the Heir of Isildur thing. Please just take a moment to imagine his expression.)

Anyway! The actual plot of the book would catch up soon enough, the Council of Elrond happens and as the Fellowship is being composed, it would become pretty damn clear for anyone with eyes what the Divine Forces were expecting Enjolras to do here. However, that brings me to the other point of curiousity which prompted this AU, and that is Enjolras and the Ring. Because I do feel like in his own painfully pragmatic, bright-burning idealistic way he would be pretty vulnerable to the Ring's influence. Not for a lack of self-awareness, or overconfidence, or for thinking that such means could ever be justified, but from the same impulse that had him shoot Le Cabuc: he's the sin-eater, he'd take that fall to spare the others in full expectation that they'd have to overcome him and render him harmless. And the Ring being what it is, it could use any opportunity to force such a decision, making it seem like the only option available whether that is the case or not. Even so, I'd think Enjolras would be quite self-aware – and also pretty upfront – about his own vulnerabilities and oh, it'd be such an interesting conversation to have between him and Frodo and Gandalf before a decision is made. Also, bonding with the hobbits! and the rest of the fellowship! Gimli would immediately adopt him, idk it's just the Truth. Having people ask him “are you an elf?” multiple times, which he’s so confused about! Hella awkward bonding time with Aragorn! xD

Oh and then The Plot would happen but Geez, this is already horrifyingly long. If you are still reading this and haven’t been bored to tears yet I might tell you about it another time!

[katarinasworduniverse-blog]

Sinus Surgery

I’ve decided to make some posts about my sinus surgery, so those who also require a sinus surgery may have some ideas of what to expect afterward. I felt I was not given enough information myself, and of course had no idea what to ask at the appointment prior, as it was also sprung on me and fairly rushed. I felt somewhat pressured by the doctor but that is not really relevant. I want to focus more so on my experience and what has been working so far.

More info about myself would be I have a sensitive stomach (undiagnosed) and anxiety, which are so far both relevant through my healing process. The surgery I had done was “endoscopic nasal/sinus surgery septoplasty, intranasal/endoscopic ethmoidectomy, removal of polyp, turbinectomy/antrostomy”, or more simplified as polyps, deviated septum, and lots of inflammation. It started with what seemed to be an undying sinus infection, then I traveled and probably made things worse from flying (DO NOT FLY WITH SINUS PROBLEMS), and started seeing an ENT specialist (ear, nose throat) who prescribed a steroid spray which lead to full blockage in my nose, no more smelling, no more tasting, very pressure sensitive as well as cold weather sensitive. Not a fun year.

Surgery was Monday June 3, 2019 at 12:30pm. They took me in 15 minutes late, so by 12:45 I went into the operating room which looks like the operating rooms on TV for the most part, spacious, equipment, table to lay on, mirrors above. The table I laid on also required me to put my arms out, one arm for an IV and the other had the heart monitor attached to my finger, if I recall that correctly. They knocked me out immediately really. I had the IV knock me out and they also used air. I don’t know beyond “general anesthesia” for what exactly was used but I know it was both. Now I was told I would be awoken at 3pm and released at 4pm, that was not true. My surgery wrapped up around 4pm and I didn’t wake up until 5pm and ended up being released at 6pm. I woke up shivering like crazy, don’t freak out if that happens, you’re probably just cold. I was covered in blankets and that helped. I had to pee pretty badly after surgery so try to go before you go in the operating room. The offer was I either wait or they get a bedpan... Needless to say I choose to wait. I also found that the water made my mouth dry big time sipping it while trying to wake up, but the popsicles were very helpful. I did not eat or drink much after that day, I really just wanted to sleep more of course.

The next two days were rough for eating. Now this is where my sensitive stomach comes in, eating was a challenge big time. I was not interested in eating at all the day after, but tried to force some foods in. I had to keep it very plain and simple as well, like plain bread, plain oatmeal, plain chicken. My stomach was very uneasy for the whole week really, but I did start to eat more on Thursday, and slowly more on the weekend. I gave myself small meals about 4 times a day, some snacks in between. I lost a few pounds from surgery but I did get hungry again, I just was not able to eat a lot. Fresh fruits and vegetables are also recommended. I did not touch dairy until probably Friday, as I did not want to risk setting my stomach off, however my stomach felt more acidy, and when I started dairy again that got a bit better. Gravol with ginger is what I took a lot to help my stomach and by the weekend I switched to boiling ginger in water and drinking some ginger water as that helped a lot and meant taking less pills.

I was given perks, an antibiotic, and anti-inflammatory pills to take. I stopped the perks the day after surgery and just switched to Tylenol Extra Strength. The perks were hard on the stomach and they do not last long at all so I felt they were useless. I took one at a time and it only lasted 3 hours for the pain, the Tylenol lasted at least 5 hours for me. The anti-inflammatory pills were the worst! They have a horrible bitter taste and pissed my stomach off for half the day, if you are not allergic, peanut butter will be your friend taking those! I would leave a very small amount of peanut butter on my tongue and chug those pills down then have a scoop of peanut butter ready for after. God-awful taste honestly, and that is not very nice in my opinion! I couldn’t taste for a year because of my sinuses and the first thing I get to taste are these horrible pills? Cruel! I had to take 5 of those for the first 7 days as well, then decrease later. Today is currently day 7 so I am relieved I lower the dosage tomorrow and hope my stomach is not so uneasy for the rest of the week. The antibiotic is fairly large but no taste in comparison.

Tomorrow is my follow-up with the doctor, and I have read some things online saying take your pain meds before you go, so I definitely will. It makes sense, my stints are supposed to come out tomorrow so I imagine there will be pain.

As far as the bleeding has gone, it was not bad at first. Thursday night after surgery I think I blew my nose in my sleep, I’m not sure exactly what happened but I woke up to one side bleeding quite heavily Friday. And the one side has continued to be the most problematic since. I just encountered a little nose bleed stream now from eating. You’re not going to want food that requires work and front teeth biting, you’ll want to eat foods that are easy, things you can rip apart and put in your mouth, or soups. The Friday bleeding was scary looking, but I would not say I was bleeding profusely, therefore no hospital trip. It was clotty blood, scary to see but they said go to the hospital if the nose bled profusely, and it was not running constantly so I left it.

Anyway, that is a lot about the first week. I will post more updates later!

[donnerpartyofone]

sometime last september i had a bad cold with an ear infection. a bunch of fluid built up in my ear and never went away. i saw a doctor who suggested it would just disappear on its own, but that it could take three or four months. i took some antibiotics then, which didn’t help. he didn’t seem to consider it a problem. after a couple of months i came back, same deal. he gave me some anti-inflammatory nasal spray and some ear drops, which didn’t help. then i found a new gp and described the problem to her. she stuck her ear thing in my ear, wagged it around, and then just turned around and never discussed it with me in any way.

incidentally, i was seeing that second doctor because i was convinced i was dying from lung cancer. my mother was suddenly diagnosed with stage four lung cancer when she was my age and given a couple of months to live. (she surprised everybody by living for three or four years, which in my estimation was a lot worse than if she had just died right away) i found a gp who specialized in lung disease and explained that i have consistently restricted breathing in one lung that does not fluctuate in any way, and has been going on for a long time. well, my chest x-rays came back clear and i don’t have any other symptoms, so she just put me on some asthma inhalers. i had bad asthma as a kid, and this unceasing one-sided shortness of breath doesn’t resemble that in any way, but my doctor didn’t seem to give a shit about figuring out what was wrong with me as long as the inhalers seemed to be managing the symptoms. i felt like a theme was emerging when i told her about my ear, and she seemed to just look for whatever specific thing she would consider a problem, and when she didn’t see it, she just changed the subject.

so, naturally, i found a new gp. i went because my scripts for my inhalers were running out, and i didn’t want go back to the other doctor to get them renewed. mercifully (i guess although i’m really not dying to keep seeing more and more doctors), my new doctor is sending me for fresh x-rays and referring me to a pulmonologist. i also told her about my ear, and she checked me out and saw all this fluid behind my eardrum. she said this is very common, and might be there “forever”. it could be because of my naturally humongous tonsils, which is a pretty disgusting thing to hear about myself for some reason, or it could be allergy inflammation that’s contributing to the blockage. so the main thing i have to do is stop trying to pop my ear, which i want to do every second of every minute that i’m conscious, because it’s clearly, painfully wearing down my jaw. also, now i get to add an allergy pill to the 23 (24 depending on what’s going on) pills i need to take every day to manage other stuff. 

the “other stuff” is mostly one condition, which is that my system processes copper so poorly that the buildup of this psychoactive metal in my system makes me chronically depressed, anxious, fearful and angry. nutrient therapy is a lot better than being hooked on opiodes...i think? but the number of things i have to take to avoid that is exhausting, and means that i spend an hour or two a day feeling like i’m going to throw up while i digest everything, which isn’t exactly a mood booster.

anyway, my new gp has also referred me to an ENT, which appointment can’t happen soon enough because sometime around 3am yesterday, i developed a loud ringing in the affected ear that will not go away, and by all accounts, might never go away. this is not the first time this week that i was told one of my senses will be permanently impaired for no particularly good reason. a few years ago, i had to have surgery and localized chemotherapy to remove some pathological scar tissue growing across my corneas. it hasn’t come back (although it might), probably thanks in part to the chemo, but now i have a buildup of surgical scar tissue on one eye that is causing glare and spots, and according to my cornea specialist, that’s just the new normal. the few treatments options are considered high risk for little reward, i guess.

depression has a way of casting you as a problematic person in the public eye: someone who is oversensitive, looking for attention, being negative, and refusing to deal with their problems in a mature way (because according to people who don’t really have problems, all problems go away if you just adjust your bad attitude). now, i hate going to the doctor because my experience of autism makes me cry and panic like i’ve been raped if anyone touches me without my specific emotional invitation. also, it’s very hard for me to think of any experience i’ve ever had with a doctor where something was explained to me satisfyingly, or where i got treatment that really worked--as opposed to me just coming out the other end, terrorized and humiliated, sitting there in a puddle of my own various fear fluids thinking, “wait a minute, WHY THE FUCK did i let them do all that random shit to me??” to wit: a couple of years where i submitted myself to a doctor to have core samples regularly, painfully, frighteningly drilled out of my cervix because of some abnormal test results. whatever’s going on COULD be precancerous, i was told. well, what else “could” it be, i asked? they just shrugged, and one day they told me they weren’t seeing the abnormality anymore and they didn’t have to keep mutilating me. so...i could have just been sitting on the couch this whole time? why did i do this, when i don’t even have any particular faith in treatment anyway? but, i keep doing to the doctor(s), because i’ve had it drilled into my head that it’s the “responsible” thing to do, and it will prove to the world that i’m a “positive” person who tries to find “mature” solutions to my problems. that makes it extra frustrating when nothing comes of it, other than the damning confirmation that nothing about me is really working that well, and it’s not going to.

of course, on top of the fact that my problems are not really manageable in any substantial way, there’s the added psychological pressure that comes from people not seeing your problems as problems. exactly one half of my face is affected by rosacea, making it extra obvious that something is wrong with me. having tried everything else that is supposed to manage my symptoms--including two different treatments that are “magic bullets” for 99% of sufferers, both of which made me react so badly that i looked like i’d been attacked by wasps--i decided to take the plunge on my last option, an extremely expensive battery of painful and kind of scary laser treatments. i had the last one this month. i’m not seeing any difference at all, and in fact i’m not sure it didn’t make things worse. no insurance really covers treatment for rosacea because it’s considered a cosmetic problem, even though it results in broken blood vessels and progressive thickening of the skin that anybody would consider a medical problem if they saw it in action. i can already see what’s going on in the mirror, and trying not to notice is not an option.

i realize, as i’m sure many people will be quick to tell me, that i’m actually very lucky. i do not have any “real problems”. i’m performing the basic life problems of a human being just fine. but i have to say, just to stick up for myself, that there is something really special about just having a collection of unrelated problems that just amount to, like, a bunch of bullshit. i have friends who have had, or currently have, really major life challenges--horrifying circumstances or conditions with which they have had to wage a heroic battle. of course i don’t envy them, but at the risk of sounding really incredibly petty, at least they made some kind of sense. the dragon arrives at your door, and it’s cancer, or hiv, or a neurological disorder, or a flesh-and-bone-eating disease; you don your armor and fight the good fight, or prepare to die with dignity, or in the worst case scenario, you just regular-die, but everybody totally understands it as a tragedy. there’s some kind of logic to it all, even if it’s completely unfair and arbitrary in the outing. it’s different when you just have a bunch of bullshit, none of which anybody thinks is a problem individually, and there’s no reason for it. your eye is just kind of shitty and your skin is just kind of shitty and your lung is just kind of shitty and your ear is just kind of shitty and your ovaries are just kind of shitty and your mental health is just kind of shitty (for chronic physiological reasons). so therefore, looking at things is just kind of shitty and having people look at you is just kind of shitty and hearing things is just kind of shitty and really, just being awake and alive is just kind of shitty. and there’s no narrative here, it’s not you versus your virus or you versus your mutating cells or something. it’s just you versus the fact that you’re just, like, kind of a fucking lemon. if your body were a car, you’d get rid of it, and just take the bus from now on. or stop going anywhere altogether.

when i’m not fighting off a violent reaction to my mounting collection of bullshit problems, i’m usually trying to find some meaning to my life. it’s hard to do. i’m not brilliantly intelligent or talented in any way that would make my career into the point of my life. i’m also not going to start a family (which would be a huge challenge for me anyway because of problems with my reproductive system), so that’s out. because of my anhedonia, i can’t really live for pleasure either--a fact which is surely compacted by the way that all of my individual parts seem committed to making any and all sensory input at least sort-of annoying, if not infuriating and claustrophobia-inducing. when it’s just me and my depression, i often think, “god, i really wish i could just achieve something in this life, then all this agonizing would be worth it.” i usually wind up reaffirming that i’m just an ordinary person, i’m not even very good at my hobbies or very knowledgable about my passions, there’s no chance that doing something special with my time on earth is going to save me. but then, of course, there’s my shitty, shitty, shitty physical condition. the only thing i really ever accomplish is preventing myself from screaming.

i realize that many people might want to frame stopping yourself from screaming as an accomplishment in and of itself. when you’re really challenged in life, you have to remember your context. like, one guy might be climbing the corporate ladder, and he has to face the challenge of competition and seizing opportunities and stuff; but when you’re, say, me, not-screaming can be a legitimately equivalent effort that you should be proud of winning at. both my best shrink and my worst shrink have tried to warn me off of comparing myself to others--to noticing, constantly, that compared to pretty much everyone i know i’m really defective, and in fact i’m way behind my peers developmentally because i have to struggle so hard just to get through my fucking day without ruining anything or taking a break for pure suffering. part of the reason to avoid comparing yourself to others is what i was just getting at, that you want to have an authentic sense of your own suffering without using an irrelevant-to-you method of measurement. the other part of it is that you don’t want to delude yourself into thinking that you are the only person who suffers, or that your suffering is the most extreme. my first/worst shrink approached this in a pretty hilarious way: she suggested that maybe ALL of my friends have ALL the same problems as me, they just haven’t mentioned it. first of all, this just shows a real ignorance of how many great complainers i know. but secondly, it suggests a world in which my closest friends have stood by while scars grow over my eyeballs and half my face burns and swells and my ovaries constantly invite painful degrading examinations and threaten cancer and my lung never opens all the way and my ear rings deafeningly et at ad nauseam, and they just...don’t say anything to me. for some reason my dearest companions just don’t feel like offering me support or solidarity or advice from their supposed rich experience, or even venting their own frustrations to an ear they know for a fact is sympathetic, even if it doesn’t hear too well. it’s an extra bizarre idea that still makes me laugh, when i’m not screaming.

now i have to get ready for today’s doctor’s appointment, the fifth of what i think will turn out to be eight this month, not including psychiatric appointments. it’s not for my ear, but i’ll definitely be bringing that up again, because i think i need to add an anti-anxiety prescription to my armory of pills, because i don’t think i’m going to make it through this experience without altering my chemistry until i just don’t give a fuck about anything that happens to me. plus i need to find out if tinnitus is its own thing, or if it is definitely always a symptom of hearing loss (that is, a deteriorating ability to perceive sound, as opposed to an incredibly loud internal sound that you just naturally notice more than other external sounds that you are still technically capable of perceiving). a minute ago, my husband got up and started stalking around our tiny apartment suspiciously. i thought he must have seen a bug, but he’s looking for the source of a weird noise that must be coming from our large mac tower, a couple of feet away. i absolutely cannot hear it at all.

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON R!OT’S MAIN VOCAL, LEAD DANCE JANG GOEUN…

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: N/A CURRENT AGE: 20 DEBUT AGE: 20 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 14 COMPANY: 99 ent. ETC: using her gifts as a guitarist, she’s been uploading covers on youtube to acclaim

IDOL IMAGE

goeun has worked towards one goal for her whole life. she has an overwhelming sense of competitiveness and drive, and as a result can come off as serious and intense. it’s also no secret within the industry that she harbours a grudge against midas for kicking her out of mayday, although she’ll deny it if asked. she’s bitter and spiteful with a chip on her shoulder. she’d argue that her chip is what has made her so focused and driven this time, even if she tends to push things to unhealthy excess.

after getting kicked out of mayday, goeun has come to see virtually all other trainees and rookie idols as threats. the exceptions are her fellow r!ot members. she’s incredibly loyal and dedicated to them, knowing that they can only be successful as a group if they work as a team. that being said, she has placed the same high standards she has on herself on them as well. she can be harsh and condescending towards them, particularly as someone who trained for a long time, had been through much of the predebut process before anyone else had, and knows how easy it is to lose everything. most of it comes from a fear of losing one of them if they were to start slipping the way she had, but it doesn’t always come off as caring - often she ends up adding stress to an already stressful situation. she’d hoped this anxiety would go after their debut, but the stakes are higher than ever now with the public’s eyes on them - r!ot’s fall now is much further than before and only continues to grow.

99 has assigned goeun a mother-hen image, fuelled by her long training period, protective personality, and ability to cook. r!ot is a fun, powerful, and energetic group, and goeun is there to be charismatic onstage but seen as comfortable and someone to rely on offstage, to the other girls as well as to the fans. the most significant problem goeun faces with this image is that she’s not really sure the members see her that way. it’s one thing for the company to ask her to behave like this, but it’s another for the members to do it too, and to do it in a way that convinces the public of their tight bond.

IDOL HISTORY

jang goeun was raised surrounded by music. her mother debuted in 1989 and released two trot albums after trot had already started to become old-fashioned, earning her some praise but generally escaping the attention of the public. her father wrote both of her mothers’ title songs and quickly fell in love with her. when their agency went bankrupt, they got married and left seoul to open a music school in his hometown of gyeongju. sounds of piano scales and guitar tuning bled through the walls of goeun’s bedroom in the apartment above the school. she took piano, voice, and guitar lessons and decided, unsurprisingly, that she wanted to pursue music herself, setting her sights on joining the glamorous ranks of the idols she saw on the family television.

her parents understood the industry and did everything they could to support her dream. they set their sights on getting her into a major entertainment company, one that wouldn’t be likely to fold like theirs did, and to do that she had to give the perfect audition, be the perfect candidate for trainee. her father drove her an hour twice a week to a dance studio in busan for lessons, specifically chosen as it was the one jubilee’s main dancer had attended. her mother played diamant and stat1c cds in the car to perfect her singing idol-style and taught her to sing trot properly as an extra viable skill. she took english and japanese classes after school and studied music theory and composition. finally, in early 2013, she took the bus to busan for auditions and was accepted to the iconic, monolithic midas media. her parents arranged for her to live with an aunt and within two weeks goeun was in seoul.

early on, her excessive preparations paid off. having already put in so much work honing her skill, goeun had a leg up over those who had been brought into the company for their still-untrained raw talent. she was surprisingly adept for a new trainee, competition for the other vocalists, someone who threatened the amount of lines and ad-libs you got. about two years after she began her training, she was put into a group planned for debut and moved into the dorm with mayday’s members. training was gruelling, and all of the girls were in an intensely competitive setting. as much as goeun thrived on competition, she had grown used to more or less coasting by during her time as a trainee, earning praise without having to put as much time and effort as her colleagues. but it was only a matter of time before a chasm formed. those who had spent their time focusing and building good work habits caught up to her and eventually surpassed her. goeun lagged behind. she got yelled at regularly in practice for not putting enough effort in, for bringing down the other girls who were working so much harder.

as goeun felt herself slipping away from the top, she scrambled to put in more effort and more hours into her work, but it was too little, too late. four months before the set debut date, she was cut from the lineup. her vocals were good, her dancing was good, she fit the concept. but when it came down to it, another girl had worked harder, had sweat more, had proved herself more worthy of that spot. goeun was told “better luck next time” and was given the week off.

next time did come, although she had to pull herself up out of rock bottom and triple her efforts to make it happen. with mayday debuting and midas also having aurora in their roster, she knew she’d have to wait a long time before another girl group was likely to come around. so she quit and set out to audition again, this time going for another powerful company, but one with a wildly different management strategy: 99 entertainment. in a way, this was a better fit, she told herself: she had goals of producing music in the future, and 99′s aura of artistry convinced her it would be more likely here than in midas’s restrictive, tightly managed environment. she focused all her energy into training, building herself a work ethic from the humiliation of getting kicked out of mayday and having to watch the group skyrocket to fame and success from afar. she was placed in r!ot and moved into 99′s company dorms. being kicked out once scared her into putting as much time and effort into it as needed for her to show 99 that she’s good and only going to get better. it finally paid off on january 28th, 2019, when she finally stood onstage as an idol.

idol life has been pretty good so far. reactions to r!ot’s debut song were generally polarizing, but the girls themselves were well received and have started gathering an audience that’s excited for their next release. but 99 is being uncharacteristically strict with their management, and goeun does not have nearly as much creative freedom as she hoped she would, nor does she see herself getting much in the near future. she did manage to get permission from the company to post guitar covers on the group’s youtube channel, which gives her a chance to play around with adapting and producing, albeit on a small scale. her efforts have been noticed and praised, though, particularly for her skill and how different the acoustic sound is compared to r!ot’s music. it’s great and it’s humbling and she loves doing it, loves reaching out to the fans on a more regular basis than their promotional periods allow, loves the acclaim she gets in return. but it won’t be enough forever, and soon goeun’s creative muscles are going to be begging to be stretched further.

[harryswanderlust]

Carnival

warnings: fluff

requested: nope

masterlist

“We should name him Nemo,” she says, holding up a plastic bag with an orange goldfish swimming around in the middle of it. She’s smiling as she admires the tiny pet that she has won for herself.

She and Harry had decided upon going to a carnival a few miles outside of town for their one year anniversary, wanting to try and do something a little different. They had been talking about it for weeks before she suggested the idea, almost bursting from so much excitement. A small town, makeshift carnival wasn’t Harry’s first choice for how they could celebrate, in fact he would have loved to have had a quiet night in, just the two of them. Maybe snuggle underneath a few blankets together and watch a silly rom-com or two, but Harry doesn’t mind. Truthfully he’ll go anywhere she wants as long as it entails him getting to be with her.

“I think nemo’s already taken, love. What about Kevin?” Harry suggests, reaching out to lace his fingers with hers. The ones that aren’t grasping the fish that’s captured almost all of her attention.

Harry’s not entirely focused on the moment either though. His mind keeps taking him back to when he first kissed the gorgeous girl standing next to him and how he already knew he was in love with her. They were sitting in his car, the atmosphere slightly awkward as their first date was coming to an end, and Harry knew he had to kiss her. He just had to. She was wearing an old hoodie of his that he’d been meaning to get rid of for while, but never got around to it. He had given it to her to wear when he noticed that she was a bit cold that night and told her to go ahead and keep it when she tried to give it back. “Looks better on you, love,” he had told her. That’s when decided to kiss her.

Harry doesn’t believe in love-at-first-sight or even love-at-first-kiss for that matter, but she just had a certain effect on him. Harry can’t complain though. She’s unlike any girl he’s ever even dreamed of.

“What if I named him Harry? Harry The Fish. I think he might be a lot cuter than you,” she teases. Harry laughs and gently pulls her into him. He rests his hands on her waist.

“He doesn’t give better kisses than me,” he argues, planting one on the side of her head. His grip on her tightens a little as she laughs at him.

“Absolutely not,” she says before pushing herself up on her tiptoes to gently connect their lips. Harry could kiss her all day if she’d let him. He swears he can never get enough of her. Swears she always leaves him wanting more.

“You know, I totally let you win. Could’ve easily used more strength to win that fish for ya if I wanted to.” Harry smirks, watching as she rolls her eyes and pulls away from him to give him a light shove. He’s cold now that she’s stepped out of his embrace, despite wearing a sweater, but it is nearing the end of fall, and winter is right around the corner. Another reason why he wanted to stay in. Y/N is always warm and he wouldn’t mind keeping her as close to him as humanly possible.

“Sure, Harry. I won because you let me, and not because your girlfriend is capable of kicking your ass,” she says sarcastically.

Harry shakes his head, but he smiles. “Nope. I was only being a gentleman.”

She arches a brow before she starts giggling at him. Harry’s heart melts as the sound rings through his ears. He watches her intently, the side of his mouth curling upward into a gentle smile. He’s rather smitten with her and believes she’s the most wonderful girl he’s ever been lucky enough to meet. He loves the way she makes his head spin and chest ache to be with her. The way her eyes shine so bright, as if they hold every good thing in the world, and he loves the subtle creases by her lips from smiling all the time. Harry makes sure she’s smiling all the time. He never wants to see her upset, which is why he can't stand it when she gets frustrated from all the studying she’s always doing. Although, he does have to admit that it’s the cutest thing in the world when she pouts as a result of it. He can’t help but steal a kiss from her when she does that.

Her hair falls in front of her face a moment later and Harry reaches out to brush it behind her ear. He wraps his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into his side again, before asking, “You wanna ride the ferris wheel, love? You mentioned it earlier.”

She shakes her head, leaning into his chest. “I’m actually pretty tired, H. I think we should go. We could head back to your place and watch a movie for the rest of the night,” she says.

It’s somewhere between ten o’clock and eleven, and the two of them arrived a little after seven so it was understandable that she was starting to feel drained. They have been around the whole park playing games and eating food, even trying some strange ones. Y/N tried funnel cake for the first time and it’s beyond Harry how she’s been alive all this time without trying the popular fried dessert. They have done everything they planned to do except for one thing, which has apparently slipped Y/N’s mind. Harry was reluctant about the carnival at first, but he’s been looking forward to the firework show after closing time ever since they agreed to stay for it.

“What about the fireworks, baby?” He asks as they sit down on a nearby bench to rest. She doesn’t answer him, and he thinks she’s falling asleep on him. He kisses her forehead to get her attention, which causes her to stir.

“I’m so tired,” she murmurs. Harry sighs as she moves her body closer to him, and shifts in an effort to find a comfortable position. She settles for laying her head back on his chest, her eyes fluttering shut.

He wants to give her what she wants. There’s no doubt that Harry wants to take her home and be able to hold her. To cuddle her. He loves when she’s lying beside him, with one or both of his arms draped around her somehow, while the tv or random music hums in the background and they enjoy each other’s presence. They won’t be saying anything, only sharing a few kisses here and there as they briefly fall in and out of sleep. It’s not that he doesn’t like listening to her talk or appreciate having a conversation with her, no. Frankly he could listen to her talk for and never find it boring, but he loves just being with her as well. The silence between them is just as comfortable to him as all the other romantic stuff they do.

There’s a different part of him telling him that they should stay. It’s telling him that if they make it a little while longer, they won’t regret it. Harry knows it’s not going to be anything like a Fourth of July show, but he wants to do it all with her regardless. They’re celebrating tonight and he doesn’t want to leave a single thing out, especially not something he was looking forward to. Even if it might not be that big of a deal.

“I know you are. I am too, but we really wanted to see the fireworks. Please?” Harry pleads. He rests his chin on top of her head, giving her a soft squeeze.

“Yeah, okay,” she yawns, shutting her eyes.

Before long, lights everywhere are starting to shut off as workers close down their booths, and the excited laughter and screams coming from all around the park begin to dwindle as everyone makes their way home for the night. Or if they're like Harry and Y/N, heading to the front lawn for even more fun.

She’s still cuddled into Harry’s arm, fully asleep. Harry shifts on the bench causing her to stir awake and groan at him. Harry playfully rolls his eyes at her.

“Time to go, sleepyhead.” He lifts himself off the bench.

She doesn’t budge. Instead she holds an arm up as if she’s telling him to carry her. Harry sighs at his girlfriend, almost having trouble believing how ridiculous she is. He picks her up anyway, taking her by her arm for her to wrap it around his shoulders and swiftly sweeping her up by her legs. She giggles as she pecks him on the cheek. It’s a little sloppy given her tired state.

Soon they’re outside the gates of the park, joining the other people standing around and waiting. Harry sets her down and she immediately lays herself down on the ground. Harry scoffs before decided that he’ll go ahead and join her. He lays right beside her, a twinkle in his eyes from the moon as he scans over her features. She so beautiful, and she’s all his.

“I think I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you,” he whispers just above her ear.

“You only think?” She aks, starting to giggle again. Harry adores it.

“I am definitely going to spend the rest of my life with you,” he says.

“What makes you so sure?” She turns her head, rolling on her side in the process.

“Because I’m going to marry you someday,” he answers, face completely serious now. No grin, no signs of a smirk. He means every single word.

“And what if I say no?” She quirks one of her eyebrows, challenging him. She moves, throwing one leg over him and resting on his legs.

“Then I’ll do this,” he says, flipping the two of them over so that he’s now on top of her. A shriek emits from her mouth as Harry bends down and starts tickling her. Her laughter is uncontrollable as her arms swat at him to get him to quit.

“Harry stop!”

“Tell me that you’ll say yes,” he teases.

“Okay, okay, I’ll say yes! Just stop!” She squeals. Harry stops his actions, pulling himself off of her and flopping back down on the cold grass.

“We’re only seventeen, Harry. There’s no need rush things,” she tells him, panting out the words because she hasn’t caught her breath yet. She’s not looking at him or where their hands are fitting together so perfectly that the two of them swear they were made for each other, but rather at the stars. They both hear fireworks begin to go off and paint the sky in an array of pretty colors and while she is enraptured by it, Harry’s busy staring at her. She’s the prettiest thing underneath the night sky.

“I know, but whether we’re seventeen or eighty-two, I’ll always love you,” he says, before planting soft kisses into her hair and eventually her lips, the entire world falling away from them.

Feedback is appreciated & requests are open! All the love xx

[digitalflameonline]

57SKi: LILFACETAT

Hello 57SKi thanks for being with us today, coming straight out of Atlanta, which part of Atlanta are you from, and how long have you been making music and when did it really become your number one priority?

I come out of Nawf Atlanta. Spent a few years on the Eastside. I made my first song at like 11, never recorded foreal till I was probably 17, junior year of High School. It’s always been my passion to make music, but I got serious about it and made it my priority two years ago.

You’re first debut album “DARKSIDE” just dropped this year how long did you work on that project what was the thought process and mentality while working on it?

I’d been wanting to do the project for a while, I was just waiting on the right time. All my music ideas are properly planned before I even execute them. I think I was locked up when I came up with the idea for the project and when I was actually writing for the project so my whole mindset was just really kinda dark, grimy. I feel like I brought back old down south Trap Rap. 2008 Gucci vibes.

It seems on Apple Music your first song was 2018 have you ever dropped anything before that on other platforms?

Yeah I have a whole bunch of old content on my soundcloud, I just recently started back using it. Some people were telling me they don’t have Apple Music or Spotify so I posted the album on there too for them. Name is: 57$Ki

Are there and underground artist that you want to work with or looking to work with whether it be musicians, videographers etc?

Music wise I wanna do a song with Doe Boy, I don’t know if he’s considered underground but I think me and him would snap on some shit. Video wise I wanna shot with Jerry Production. I also got something in the works with PackVisuals, I liked his stuff for a while.

Aside from corona have you tried to get involved in more shows or even do a mini 3 -5 state tour or even a Georgia wide tour?

Touring has been something I have thought about. Its definitely on my list. But I have to make sure I’m safe not just for myself, but my family too. I just been doing shows in the city right now and looking into doing shows at some colleges.

You have mention Guwops “1017” are you looking to sign to a label or are you sticking to be independent right now?

If Gucci offer me I’m taking it. That’s been a life long dream to sign 1017. But besides him whether it’s independent or signing it just has to be beneficial for me.

How much time do you like to spend in the studio?

When I’m deep in album mode I’m probably going to the studio 4 times a week 6+ hours a session. I’m always writing and I feel like I get better by the song. I would love to go everyday but I just realistically don’t have the time to.

You’re flow really doesn’t have a comparison to any artist, who are some of your favorite musicians or biggest influences you’ve had growing up or since you’ve started making music?

Gucci. 50 Cent. People always ask me who I would compare myself to and I say them two and they look at me crazy. Im giving you the Gucci feel but I’m really saying some hard shit like 50.

Since taking music on as a career what’s a day like for 57SKi?

I’m with the family mostly, especially with me getting ready to have a baby boy. I’m at the studio. If I’m not at the studio, I’m planning out my next moves everyday putting some type of effort into the craft.

Thanks for allowing us to get you on the books my guy, any shoutouts or announcements you’d like to make for the new readers and viewers?

What are somethings you’re working on at the moment or pending? More music? Visuals? Merch?

I wanna shout out the lovely mother of my children, my Smackedville family, any and everyone who genuinely supports me. To the readers definitely tap into the album ‘Darkside Ch. 2’. Follow my Instagram @57ski, all my links are in the bio. I have a short film in the works with PackVisuals, shows lined up, music on the way so you want to make sure you’re following all my links to stay in the loop.

57$Ki Smackedville ENT

Social Media: https://linktr.ee/57ski

https://music.apple.com/us/album/darkside-ch-2/1577100122

(Digital Flame™ 2018 Los Angeles, CA)

——————————————————————

(written by ALXXX @isoiceyyy)

[wannawrite]

All For One

who?: Wanna One’s Lai Guanlin, Cube Ent’s / Pd101’s Yoo Seonho genre: 🌸 type: bullet point blog navigator. • you have two Cube Chicks for best friends • is this a good or bad idea? this...is the cutest, softest thing...possibly...ever. I’ll try my best! Made me think of my best friends a lot  :”) TYSM @isaluciavevo for requesting - Admin L

• ahhhh the Cube Chicks are back together again • honestly,,,who...just who in the right mind thought that this would be a good idea • because it is a GREAT idea • but • warning: Cube Chicks may cause trouble out of good intention • good vibes only • that’s how y’all roll • if you want it • you go get it • and your boys will support you • both are competitive sportsmen • basketball team!! • captain • and vice-captain • it’s a v v messy yet memorable friendship • sometimes it’s you trying to keep Seonho and Guanlin alive • sometimes it’s Guanlin trying to keep you and Seonho from getting arrested • yeah • it’s Seonho for everything • have you seen this boy? • he gets in so much trouble its a miracle you haven’t bailed him out of jail yet • but he’s a good boy, don’t worry • he’s just clumsy and childish • kind of doesn’t think of consequences before acting • sort of plunges both feet into hot water without dipping his toes to check first • but • that’s how your entire friendship functions • it’s a good friendship • you share a class with Seonho • and it’s crazy • he sits next to you • some days he never pays attention to the teacher and gossips to you throughout class • other days he’s like • ‘hey seonho can I borrow a pencil-’  • ‘shush. pay attention to the teacher, y/n.’ • damn Seonho I just wanted a pencil I didn’t ask for this slander • but you love him • in school, he’s the first person to greet you at your locker in the mornings • with a bright smile, his backpack slung over his shoulder • then he ruffles your hair playfully, messing it up completely • true friendship :”) • ‘ahh, I know that person you like will definitely take notice of you now,’ he teases • then you guys walk to assembly and class together • sometimes in class, you guys have a sheet of foolscap paper in between the desks • and either one of you will draw or write some really cute, heart-warming, heart-fluttering bullshit • okay you get my drift • ‘you’re doing amazing sweetie’ • ‘cheer up!’ • ‘have fun at basketball practice later!’ • ‘i miss Guanlin :(‘ • ‘>:( what about me’ • ‘I love Guanlin :D’   • ‘ :”( ‘ • ‘ily2 dw ❤️’ • Seonho smiles before folding up the paper and sticking it into his bag just as your teacher walks by • he has an incredible knack of never getting in trouble • he can create trouble but he doesn’t get in it • explain later • okay now • Seonho is also super concern and caring • during lunch if he gets pizza, he makes sure to buy some for you too • and Guanlin of course • ‘pfpp lol hyung you can buy your own’ • ‘yah, you still owe me from last week’s frozen yoghurt.’ • bickers over food • visits your house very often • he just comes to nap on your bed • ‘nooo I’m here to inspect if you cleaned your room like you said you did in your Snapchat story.’ • really, he just wants access to your pantry and kitchen • while eating popcorn, you and Guanlin doodle things all over his arms when he’s sleeping • not dicks pls • Seonho is a child • he needs his sleep • after sleeping, he makes sure to go out with you and Guanlin a lot • barbecue is a MUST • in fact, the owner is a classmate’s parent • and always give you guys a discount • THAT’S how regular y’all are • and there’s always a tad bit more food for your table • karaoke is a favourite • time for swaggy rapper™️ to shine • speaking of Guanlin • he’s a year older • yet not that much more mature • or sensible • jk, he is • quieter and shyer than Seonho • but just as goofy when he opens up to you • is fake deep • ‘I want to get a tattoo of a burrito because we get so wrapped up in our internal feelings and sadness, that we ignore the crisp and goodness outside.’ • sends really meaningful things to the group chat at 12am • Guanlin🐥: you guys mean the world to me, I would never trade y’all for anything else • Seonho🐣: aww hyung :”) • you: 💓💓💓 • changes the group chat profile pic very often • he went through an entire streak of Kermit the frog for a month • Guanlin really likes memes • more than Seonho • and Seonho has a folder of 500+ pictures of memes alone • at 3.30am, Guanlin will send memes to the group chat • kermit the frog memes • pepe memes   • any other meme you can think of • sometimes recycles memes • edits memes • Guanlin🐥: hey Daniel hyung promised me a lifetime worth of pizza if I gave  Seonho to Minhyun hyung • Guanlin🐥: so lmao bye bye Seonho • Guanlin🐥: you’re the sacrifice • Seonho actually disappears for a couple of hours   • wh00ps • but Guanlin is EXTRA • extra sweet ;) • advises you both of life • ‘now...my young grasshoppers, I’m going to teach you how to sleep in class and not get caught.’ • ‘this is how you secretly eat pizza rolls in the middle of math’ • ‘LiSTEN, this is how you sneak in a waffle maker to make breakfast in morning assembly’ • but he does actually help • he helps both of you with studies • pushes Seonho to study by treating him to pizza • and ice cream • and chicken • Guanlin tells you tips and tricks to memorise math formulas better • uses creative analogies • ‘okay, imagine that x is a sheep. So 2x would mean 2 sheep and then 4x + -3x would be?’ • I don’t even know actually but let’s just pretend I do • ‘guys, if you get Mr Kai as your math teacher next year, tell me.’ • is a nice, responsible and caring older brother • gets really protective from time to time • it’s the small actions that give him away • like • ‘no, I’ll walk you out to the gate, don’t go by yourself.’ • ‘text me when you get home safe, okay?’ • will walk you to the bus stop and take your bus even if it goes the opposite way • makes some lame excuse • ‘uhh, my sister’s friend’s dog is in the area so I’m going to meet him and we’ll go back together.’ • ‘I need to pick up dry cleaning for my mother. You know how she’s fussy about her evening gowns.’ • ‘Lin, it’s 9pm at night...the shop is closed.’ • red-faced • ‘oh’ • Guanlin is #1 on speed dial on both your phones • ‘in cases y’all get drunk, call me, no one else knows how to take care of you two.’ • Seonho always texts him when he’s arrived safely at home • with a cute selfie sometimes • Guanlin tracks both the children’s sleep schedules in his diary watch him • is generous • pays for your haircuts • *pushes both of you into the salon Jinyoung works at* • ‘since school is almost over, you guys need a look for summer.’ • ‘hey Jinyoung, these are my friends so take good care of them wink wonk’ • ;) • I got you • Taiwanese chick is slyer than a fox • Seonho sits in the salon chair with pitch black hair • and emerges with a blonde streak down the middle • you don’t sense anything wrong • until Baejin starts to whip out green hair dye • ‘WAIT’ • you wrestle Jinyoung for that box • ‘HOW MUCH DID GUAN PAY YOU? I CAN PAY YOU MORE!’ • Guanlin’s hair ends up being blondish green • well done • he also once convinced Jinyoung to chop off a good 4 inches of your hair • I could use some 4 inches in height • hah • speaking of height • Guanlin is tall • so is Seonho • and Guanlin is just a bit more of that annoying tall friend who makes fun of everyone who isn’t as tall as them • yes thank you for putting MY box of cookies on the top shelf of my pantry • aww Seonho you sweetheart, thanks for helping   • he smirks and takes the whole box for himself • sigh • tall people • if you hang out in the evenings • Guanlin always drags Seonho’s ass out of your house to the basketball courts nearby • to practice • you know • time to grind😤😫 • you tag along • trying to win against a basketball team captain and vice-captain • some die heroes • ‘WatCH ME’ • your best friends just chuckle and shrug • but they are also your support squad • ‘jUst JUMP YOU GOT THIS!’ Guanlin yells enthusiastically • once, he even bought a loudspeaker • ‘LET’S GO TEAM!’ • and it got taken away by a park warden • then he brought another one • and a policeman on patrol swiped it • so Guanlin relied on his swaggy rapper™️ voice • Seonho becomes the spectator • ‘AND-AND WILL Y/N SCORE FOR THE FIRST TIME?’ • this is how you guys spend the weekends • ‘...THEY DO. A MIRACLE HAS HAPPENED.’ • Guanlin runs and catches you in a hug, overjoyed • Seonho joins soon after • and the three of you collapse in the cold court floor, bursting into laughter • but your heart couldn’t feel any warmer :”) • ‘ahhh, I could spend all night here.’ • but of course, realistically, you can’t • so all of you retire to Guanlin’s mansion • I make him a rich boy in every single one of my works I realised I’m sorry • sometimes it becomes a sleepover • like pillow fights   • making s’mores • scaring the hell out of his chef in the process • ‘dAMNIT GUANLIN YOUR PARENTS WILL KILL ME IF YOU BURN THE BOTTOM OF THIS POT.’ • ‘they’ll fire you if you swear at me, right?’ he says cockily, raising an amused brow • his chef just huffs. ‘I’ve known you since you ran around in diapers, goodness.’ • ahhh • his chef is gracious nonetheless and brings you guys platters of snacks for your movie night • includes a lot of yelling • Seonho getting spooked easily • Guanlin taking time to calculate if the scenario could happen in real life then reacting • the kind of best friends to watch Netflix with you until 12am • ‘c’mon,’ Seonho whispers. ‘Everyone should be asleep by now.’ • the three of you creep up to Guanlin’s spacious rooftop garden • star-gazing time • you pop open the soda bottles and get bags of chips • sipping cola • looking at the stars • back on the ground, head to head to form a circle • ahhh • ‘oh! shooting star!’ • ‘hey, that constellation looks like a horse!’ • it’s just a good time filled with laughter, jokes, food and friendship • as the night wears on, things get really deep and personal • these hangouts have sort of become personal therapy sessions for you • whatever you want to say • say it • all of you trust each other with your lives • a lot of things get lifted off each other’s chest • figure out problems together • help each other out • just a genuine, meaningful time of bonding • when it ends, you feel more secure and loyal to your friends • you and Seonho take the enormous couch in the gaming room while Guanlin sleeps in his bed a few doors down • he makes sure to tuck both of you in • and talk until one of you falls asleep before he tucks himself in • such a pure and real friendship • supportive • loving • loyal • and caring • during Christmas time, you guys team up to bake cookies and other holiday treats • it obviously isn’t the greatest idea • I mean, have you seen Guan and Seonho’s ‘It’s meringue time!’? yeah • seonho insists on icing his own cookies this year • he later spent almost an hour scraping icing off the ceiling of his kitchen • taking turns to help decorate each other’s houses • gift shopping for the rest of your clique together • synonymously agreeing to buy yet another fly swatter for Daniel • maybe some shoe insoles for Sungwoon • savages 24/7 • puns all around • breathe memes • especially Guanlin • like that boy has a basketball jersey with Kermit on the back • he actually wears it out • gave an identical one to Seonho for his birthday • and you received one as well for Christmas • from your Secret Santa • at basketball matches • it’s a given you’re there to support them, rain or shine • so if your crush wants to see you, they attend the game • a night before, you’re spamming the group chat with encouraging messages and gifs • they’re like ‘pffp we don’t need these’ but it actually cheers them up • HEART MELTING • there’s always a small spat in the group chat on whose jersey/jacket you will wear • Guanlin🐥: hEY I’M OLDER THAN YOU. • Guanlin🐥: THEY CAN WEAR YOURS ANY OTHER TIME, THIS IS ONE OF MY LAST COMPETITIONS 

• Seonho🐣: I FRICKIN WASHED AND DRY CLEANED MY JERSEY FOR THIS i’msorryimessedup

• on the day itself, you’re clad in Seonho’s practice jersey and Guanlin’s jacket • the cutest • everyone assumes y’all daring • but all of you are just the closest of friends • friendship goals • plus, they’re the best wingmen • just a super supportive, real, joyous friendship

[ausomlifeblog]

Hearing Test

In my previous post, I have mentioned that we have applied for ABA, ST, OT, and ECI. Most of them are on the waitlist, but at least we are getting calls to know more about his diagnosis and other medical details. The first question everyone asked us so far is " Have you ruled out hearing loss ?" Come to think about it, It does make sense. If he cannot hear or has trouble hearing most of his symptoms could be explained. Parent in me was hoping he had trouble hearing and also the very next moment wish he didn't. Never had I felt such contrasting emotions.

Can he hear?

We took an appointment with a pediatric ENT which was still 2 weeks away. The next two weeks I was trying to see if he does have a hearing problem. But all my tests were inconclusive. He wouldn't turn if I make a loud noise by dropping a steel pan or blasted music on tv. At the same time, he would play with a drum set, banging it as loud as he can. Was he imitating his brother or couldn't hear how loud he was or just being playful. All of my tests would drive me nuts, but I can't find an answer. At his appointment, he was inside a booth with his mom and an audiologist would play some sounds from various speakers in the booth. He was supposed to turn and look in those directions. He barely lasted 30 seconds inside, before he started crying inconsolably. We had to leave with another appointment, this time with two audiologists, one inside and another outside the booth. Our second appointment lasted a few seconds more, but the same result. He's barely 19 months, so couldn't expect more. This time we left with an appointment for ABR testing.

Auditory Brainstem Response

This test basically measures a response from his nerves to a sound played. Sounds harmless. As he is still a toddler and does not understand instructions, this meant he had to be sedated for the test. It was decision time. We hated ourselves for putting him through this but there wasn't an easier way for us to test his hearing. And his future therapies or treatments depend on his ability to hear. So we went for it. The doctor explained the whole process, including what kind of sedation he would get. We waited for about 30 mins for the test to be complete. I would run the results and reactions in my mind all the while. Finally, he was brought back to the resting area, as he was coming off sedation slowly and has to be monitored for his vitals before he can be discharged.

Result

He passed the test with flying colors. The result helped me to come to terms with his ASD diagnosis. I have no choice but to accept it and change our and his life for good. This result gave me the final kick on the backside to commit to his therapies, both at home and in the center. All this while, I was hoping maybe he had some other issue, maybe it's just a delay, not a disability. We are glad that we took care of this test early, so we can put any doubts about his diagnosis to the rest. Now, off to reading books and researching Until later, A.M Read the full article

[not-poignant]

CANCER UPDATE:

I am actually sick with a cold at the moment. *thumbs up* This is the virus that never ends. It seemed like I was starting to turn a corner, and then it was like 'haha no, here's the sequel!' I'm unimpressed. Just imagine me staring into the camera like I'm in The Office.

A quick summary for those new to the game: I have the SDHD gene fault, also known as Hereditary PGL PCC, which is a hereditary genetic neuroendocrine cancer disease (the most inheritable genetic cancer disease in the world along with the other SDH~ faults). For me, it causes tumours called paragangliomas to grow primarily in the head/neck. I think of them as koalas clinging to my nerves and arteries.

I have a 50% chance of metastasis at any point, and this disease is incurable. I grew a very rare form of tumour called a carotid body paraganglioma at 18 that was removed. Now, at 35, I have three paragangliomas - a glomus vagale para (the rarest type, at a 1 in 5 million occurrence rate) called Thelma, a carotid body para called Louise and a glomus tympanicum or glomus jugulare para called Caramello that's currently too small to be seen on MRI, but has been spotted on the PET scan. I am very good at growing these paragangliomas and my ENT surgeon called me a ‘tumour machine’ and I call myself a ‘tumour incubation factory.’ Managing my case are: an Endocrinologist, a Radiation Oncologist, an ENT Surgeon, a Vascular Surgeon and a Neurosurgeon. (Or as I like to call them, a boy band).

(The rest under a Read More cuz there’s a lot).

It's been an interesting few days. Despite making noises about cancelling and rescheduling (Monday - Radiation Oncologist, Tuesday - ENT Surgeon, Wednesday - Neurosurgeon), I did manage to keep all of my appointments. So here's the deal:

I'm leaning towards choosing stereotactic radiosurgery (Cyberknife specifically) as the first and major line of treatment. This does not shrink the tumours, it doesn't make the tumours disappear, all it does - if it works - is make the tumours stop growing. Random fact for you, only 40,000~ people in the world have had Cyberknife radiosurgery! The only Cyberknife machine in Australia is here in Perth. It's similar but not quite the same as Gamma Knife radiosurgery.

The risks/side effects for low dose radiation to the head and neck, while still significant, are still way lower than what Dr. S helpfully called a surgery with 'high high morbidity.' The most promising risk is that there's less than a 1% chance of damage to the cranial nerves 9-12, and that any damage is likely to be temporary anyway. Dr. H (Radiation Oncologist) has seen about 20-30 patients with paragangliomas over a significant breadth of his career (more than any of my surgeons), and so he could report with some confidence on the kinds of side effects I could expect.

Obviously, the main side effect to radiation therapy is of course the chances of developing another form of cancer. I'm not one of those people who goes 'it's evil, it's poison.' I'm one of those people who goes: 'look, this is how sick I am, this is my best option, let's be realistic here.' Dr. H was very honest about this, and he said the biggest risk for me is thyroid cancer, because the carotid body paraganglioma is very near the thyroid. He even asked if I could get the carotid body para removed via surgery (I cannot for reasons relating to the internal carotid artery).

Even developing thyroid cancer is still a way lower quality of life risk than having the surgery, honestly. Especially since it's one of the more treatable forms of cancer, and I'll be under intense imaging surveillance for the rest of my life. They'll know, lol. To be honest, just having the genetic form of this disease and having recurring paragangliomas puts me at 50% risk of metastasis at any point of my life - the risk of radiosurgery giving me another form of cancer is actually WAY LOWER than just my...disease giving it to me randomly, for fun.

I've talked with a few other patients who have glomus vagale paragangliomas in particular, and all of them have recommended Gamma Knife or Cyberknife radiosurgery over 'lets open your whole head up' surgery. Those who've had the surgery, sometimes regretted getting it so soon, or talk about how many options there are now, citing such post-surgery affects like - total and irreversible loss of voice, stroke, suffocating/choking and vomiting every day, inabilities to swallow, and in one person, total baroreceptor failure (i.e. dangerous, life-threatening blood pressure spikes, followed by fainting from dangerously low blood pressure, many times a week - this is often highly unmanageable).

It does mean sort of readjusting how I'm thinking about these tumours. Instead of something to be evicted as soon as possible, I need to mentally wrap my head around the fact that I will likely have these tumours forever. These koalas are on the road with me now, and just permanent parasites that live off my blood, my resources, and generally don't do very much. Spiritually, I've been contemplating how well so much of nature tends to deal with parasites, or if not 'well' - it certainly tries to deal with them, and sometimes not through the process of elimination, so much as just...adjusting. Trees with their galls, still flowering year after year, and whole ecosystems that make it work. If anything, this situation makes me realise that the ecosystem of my body is much closer to those in nature that I respect, more than I've sometimes realised in the past.

We're in no rush to do radiosurgery. Right now, I have no major symptoms from the tumours, and both radiosurgery and surgery present side effects that are significant. So why do either? While it's much 'lesser' for me to be dealing with swollen ear canals, or likely losing my sense of taste for a couple of months etc. that's still...something I'm not dealing with right now and therefore, don't have to. Dr. H said it was all about the right timing, and that's what this journey is about now - the right timing for treatment/s.

Imaging in MRIs now show that the glomus vagale paraganglioma is currently not growing (YAY), and the carotid body paraganglioma has grown about a millimetre in a 6 month period. But Dr. H, the Radiation Oncologist, wants to wait to establish a definitive growth pattern before treatment. Basically, when we can start seeing signs of definitive growth, we'll treat them.

They won't get treated at the same time. In all likelihood I'll have one bout of Cyberknife/radiation for the carotid body first, possibly as soon as next year depending on how fast it's growing, and then I'll have another bout of Cyberknife/radiation for the glomus vagale when it starts growing or I start showing symptoms.

The third tumour - called Caramello - is likely a glomus tympanicum or glomus jugulare, is too small to be seen on MRI and we're leaving that alone for now. The most common side effect for that one is tinnitus and deafness.

I see Dr. W - my Endocrinologist - to confirm all of this in September. And then I will do nothing until 2018, where I'll get some more imaging done to look at growth rates (unless of course I start showing characteristic symptoms of the tumours, but so far, so good.)

Dr. S reminded me yesterday - after looking through my art journal and all of us, with the student doctor, having a good chat - I can always get the surgery in the future. I have options. There's a certain measure of stress that comes with living with tumours that can metastasise at any point, for the rest of my life. There's a certain measure of anxiety that comes from knowing I could grow more, knowing that I'm not someone 'rushing to get rid of cancer' so much as just...working on a chess board to stop it from ruining my quality of life, which is what matters most, of course.

Now, we wait for the tumours to make their next move, and then we parry and riposte - in hopefully a few years, and on it will go, until they win. Sometimes I think of it as 'death in slow motion.' But aren't we all dying in slow motion? So that's neither here nor there.

I've never been great at strategy, but I have some of the best doctors in the country on my side, helping me out, and I have a lot of faith in their care and their knowledge. More than anything, I also really respect how much faith they have in me and my knowledge. They all respect my own research, my thoughts, and Dr. Neurosurgeon today even said I came across as very philosophical. I expressed confusion at that, and he pointed out that most other patients in a similar situation would probably not seem as calm or cheerful.

But clearly he just hasn't caught me on a bad day. ;)

In the meantime, this is the last official cancer update for a few months I expect, unless Dr. W disagrees with my choice to privilege radiosurgery over surgery (he won't - given he pointed me in that direction in the first place). Hope you're all doing great, and as always, feel free to ask any questions since I can never explain everything properly in these (huge) posts anyway.