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shhhlikeme · 4 years

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“Losty Aone” / “Losty Mountain Man🏔” Series:

Outtake Collection #12:

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A/N: I miss you guys so much! Thank you for over 150 notes on my last outtake 🤯! If you haven’t read my life update already, please do and know that it’s hard for me to prioritize school and work before this blog. This outtake collection was originally supposed to be a multiple posting like the previous ones, but I reckon I was taking too long and thought to just post at least the part that was complete. Love y’all

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Songs for this outtake:

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8 Days After The Breakup ⛓🥀

💤 😴 💤

“Leave her be. She’s having fun.”

Aone watched as the class-snitch Tsume Lian handed in his paper and hurriedly left the classroom.

I didn’t mean to scare him, thought Mountain Man. He shrugged it off, looking down to concentrate on his own assignment, going through the questions easily. I only have 3 left now, and the answers are fairly simple because-

“Hi! Thanks so much for defending me a little while ago!”

An angelic voice startled Aone out of his academic train of thought. As soon as the sound vibrations reached his ear drums all the nerves in Aone’s body stood at attention.

Is that......?! he questioned, but received his answer when he felt the magnetic pull to the voice as he always did—his eyes having a mind of their own and following the sound. Aone felt his heart halt when he lifted his head from his paper to be graced with something much, much, more beautiful. His crush, you, were standing next to him. Aone’s entire body and brain went out of commission when he looked up to see you, standing so close he could feel your body heat, your beautiful manicured hands pressed on his desk. Your grateful eyes were staring into his for quite possibly the first time in his entire life.

The eyes he dreams about.

Your Apple scent invaded his nostrils and Aone breathed in as deeply as he could subconsciously. He never wanted to smell anything else.

The scent that he dreams about.

You reached over to touch Aone’s arm in his uniform, shooting him an endearing smile. Aone’s eyes widened. Y/N IS TOUCHING ME, he thought. His heart tightened and he really thought he was at risk for a heart attack. The only thing that kept him from having that heart attack, in fact, was seeing you smile a second later. He wouldn’t be graced with that smile if he fainted now🥵. To Aone, when you smiled, oh god, when you smiled—You weren’t just beautiful like he always found you: you were unreal. It was your smile on top of the cheerleading pyramid that made him initially lock onto you, and it was your smile with your friends at school that made Mountain Man stop in his tracks every time just to take it in. It is captivating.

Aone couldn’t help but stare at your lips when the vibrations of your melodic cheerful voice reached his ears again.

“I’m Y/N! It’s nice to meet you!”

Nice to.....? What? Losty Aone connected the dots a bit, realizing that you were introducing yourself to him. He wanted to laugh. It is almost a comical quiet-boy-meets-his-crush scene, right? The fact that the female he spends most of his day thinking about, the female outside of the Takanobu’s that he probably knows most about, the female that he has spent the better part of the last two years pining after, was introducing herself—that she deemed it necessary to make him aware of who she is—is comical.

Dark Comedy.

Honestly, Aone couldn’t even stop for too long to feel bad for how pathetic this seemed for him: as he was too busy basking in your light. Whether you were introducing yourself or reciting the Arabic alphabet to him— he’d want to hear you over and over, no matter what, unable to think of anything else he’d want more.

Aone wanted to say something back to you, he obviously did. But he was just too in shock that the girl he wishes he could marry, the girl that is so completely out of his league that she doesn’t even notice his existence, is speaking him unexpectedly. It was like a dream. Aone’s throat was drier than the Sahara desert.

It was TOO MUCH. Your simple greeting made him TOO HAPPY—he was unable to respond.

Aone felt severe loss of sweet tingling skin nerves when you removed your hand from his burning arm. If he was thinking clearly he might have pouted. He mentally kicked himself for being too star-struck by you to dedicate one part of his mind to memorize what it felt like to have you touch him.

“Sorry.”

You said shyly, gifting Aone’s eardrums again. You looked down sheepishly, then met his serious expression again, appearing God-sent with the thankful expression you gave him. If Aone could speak, he would bloody PROPOSE.

“Um....”

Still frozen, Aone couldn’t tear his eyes away from you as you spoke.

“You probably don’t know this but you getting that pervert to leave me alone is quite possibly the sweetest thing anyone has done for me. And you did it for a stranger, no less. And ummm.........”

You tucked your hair cutely behind your ear, obviously wanting to say something else. Aone was eager to hear it. He loved hearing your voice! After all, witnessing your usually bubbly cheerleader-self so demure and cute-looking made his heart skip a beat. Or dozens of beats. All he could think of when he watched you was:

She’s Unreal.

She’s Perfect.

She’s a Dream.

Long shot, but she’s my desired Future wife.

He wanted to beg you to keep speaking. Your voice was his favourite sound... it has been ever since he first heard it.

“Ummmm........ also I wanted to say.....”

Aone put an effort to mentally block out all the white noise of the chatty classroom so that he could hear your beautiful voice more clearly. He wanted to remember this. He wanted to memorize every second of this, since you approaching his desk has unpredictably turned today in to one of the best days of his life. Please keep talking to me Y/N. Please.

Aone’s heart tightened again as your expressive eyes pierced into his serious ones. You took a deep breath before saying what you wanted to say next.

......Yes? Aone wish he could say. You can tell me anything, Y/N.

“....and.....”

you pushed on, leaning in closer so that Aone had an even clearer close up of your gorgeous face and your scent was even stronger. Yep, absolutely the best day of my life.

And......? Aone wanted to hurry you, but then he saw you opening your mouth:

“And do you mind not doing that again? It’s obvious you have a really intense crush on me obviously—but I don’t feel the same way. I don’t even know who you are. It’ll never work out in the long run because I’m in this league and you’re...in that one.”

Aone hearing what you said was like a knife—no, A SWORD stabbing through his heart. He literally felt wounded. He looked at his beautiful crush—still putting you first even in a state of pain like this— feeling terrible for making you uncomfortable due to his romantic hopes.

“I’m s-sorry, Y/N...” Aone was about to stutter out,

💤😴💤

But his eyes opened before then, kicking him out of his dream.

Takanobu’s heart ached as he stared up at his bedroom ceiling in the dark. Aone checked with his hand to make sure that he really hadn’t been stabbed through the chest, because that’s what he felt right now. Breathing heavily through his nose when he felt his actual hard chest there like normal, he wondered how the pain there could be so insufferable then?

Takanobu hasn’t been able to avoid these terrible dreams since several nights ago, when you had broken up with him on the Ferris wheel. He knows you are not as cruel as you are in his dreams but his depressive state of mind obviously only knows how to make him feel worse about everything. He doesn’t really remember much after you had called him your friend in the Ferris Wheel lot; shattering what was left of his heart by that word combined with walking away. Though, he does remember hearing his mom at dinner 2 nights ago talking to him about how it was Futakuchi who had to come get him, but he wasn’t sure.

To be honest, ever since the night on the Ferris Wheel, Aone has become a shell of a man that lost a lot of care for things he used to care about.

He can’t recall what his mom said at dinner or what Kenji said in the car or what really happened the days after you decided to leave him: The only feeling he could register is the overbearing heavy feeling in his heart. The only thing that captured his attention is the aching in his chest. The sound of his heart’s continuous shattering whenever he thought of you was louder than any words he heard and the all encompassing gnawing of heartache, was more tangible than anything else he could possibly feel.

If Aone had to describe in words how he has felt since that moment 🎡 (but he wouldn’t because he has subconsciously retreated back to his mute lifestyle), he would say his heart feels like it is encompassed by the heaviest chains known to man with an anchor on the end, hanging low and weighing down his whole heart.

If that wasn’t bad enough, whenever you crossed his mind, the chains would tighten and squeeze his heart. Therefore, since you basically never left his mind, that means his heart is continuously being squeezed by hefty anchorage. It is an awful feeling to say the least.

Sitting up on the side of his bed, Aone checked his phone for the time and date.

8 days since the anniversary...? He stated to himself.

Had I attended school in between? He doesn’t even remember.

All that was clearly registered is the feeling of loss.

Aone sighed. Must have, because knowing Futakuchi, he likely wouldn’t let him skip. Aone can now recall going to school and not seeing you there....no wonder it’s deemed insignificant in his brain.

When Mountain Man had gotten too worried about your absence on the second day and was about to check on you, his friends had asked your friends, discovering that you were currently sick and on bed rest.

Mountain Man felt terrible. You probably got ill from walking in the snow after the Ferris Wheel ride. If he hadn’t brought you there you wouldn’t be sick. You’d only had on a thin jacket that night...

Should I text Y/N? Ask her if there’s anything I can bring her so she can feel better? What would Futakuchi say?

‘ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT.‘ Is what he would say, Aone thought, practically able to hear his friend’s voice.

In bed, Mountain Man sighed. Even if he did text you, you didn’t want to hear from him anymore. That’s the purpose of a breakup, no matter how much it gutted him. You were entitled to your space.

Through impenetrable mental torment, Aone rubbed his eyes and peeped at the time. While Aone would describe himself as a militant person, who always wakes up on time for school, leaves his house on time for everything; practically the most dependable human, and was very orderly his entire life—things have changed drastically as of 8 days ago. Not that he cared since time wasn’t really something he could focus on, but Aone now awoke several times a night, walked in late to class and cancelled his attendance to any and all social events he was going to go to.

He and Futakuchi were supposed to help Karasuno with blocking yesterday, but Aone just went straight home. He hasn’t even seen his friends for quite some time....or maybe he has, but the memory isn’t registering.

Broken-hearted Mountain Man would just avoid everyone in class (staring out of the window, looking incredibly unapproachable), and outside of class: opting to eat lunch alone (and by eating, it means just toying with whatever he was going to eat). Every lunch hour, this depresssed polar bear would find some corner outdoors to sit by himself: Sometimes it was at the bus stop down the street from the school where he’d sit and watch the passerbyers, his gaze staying a bit longer on the couples that passed by, wishing you still wanted that with him. Yesterday, he found a spot under a big tree and counted the grass patches. Even though you weren’t at school, as soon as the Date Teko cheerleaders came outside to practice a bit for the snowboarding team, Aone picked up his stuff and finished his lunch in an empty classroom...

6:38am.

So Aone had over 20 minutes till he needed to get up and get ready for school.

Usually, this white-haired man would use that time to do something productive: either review his homework, try to make breakfast for his mom or dad, read a book to his turtle, research new volleyball drills to help his team.............

But this morning was different. Of course it was. In the extra time he had this morning, all Aone could do in these minutes is sit up, propping his elbows on his knees and cradle his head in his hands, willing his heart to stop hurting so much. He had zero tears to cry, he isn’t a crier but they were probably all out after the first night that he tear stained his pillow...... So instead of crying, now Aone just spent his extra time in this position, thinking about you—the greatest girl he would ever know—and how he failed to make you happy enough that you’d choose to stay with him.

Aone:

He has no idea why he got his hopes up. Why did he think someone like you would want him? Of course you’d come to your senses eventually.

Faded beautiful black and white images of your moments together flashed through his depressed mind like a movie reel: triggering his heart to weigh his body down even more:

He saw you playing with Perdu on the floor of his room, trying to teach the reptile how to fetch.

He saw you cling onto his arm and hide your face in his shoulder when a jump scare hit the screen at the movie theatre.

In slow motion, He saw you waving and smiling at the supporters in the bleachers as you were cheerleading with your teammates, looking breathtaking

He saw you giving his best friends the middle finger and sticking your tongue out at them because they were teasing him

He saw you throw your head back and laugh as you sat next to him at the lunch table, leaning on him for support because you were laughing so hard

He saw you flip your hair back as you actually listening to his tutoring in his room... then he saw your face brighten, clapping when he told you your answer was correct

He saw you—

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

The sound of Aone’s weekday alarm jolted him out of his heart wrenching slideshow... He rubbed his temples for a moment in his dark room before turning the alarm off. He stood up slowly and took a deep breath before forcing himself to go through the motions again— slipping on his house slippers and making his way to his bathroom. He flicked on the bathroom light and Aone dared to look at himself briefly in the mirror: though what greeted his eyes made him instinctively turn the fucking light off.

Pathetic, anguished Mountain thought.

I look even scarier now. He tore his eyes away from the mirror display of his tired eyes and overall broken demeanour.

No wonder Y/N doesn’t want me.

Hearing your name in his mind for the first time since he had promised himself he wouldn’t mention it, sent a wave of immense devastation through this man’s entire body. It was so strong it caused this middle blocker to hang his head and use both strong hands to grip his bathroom counter so he wouldn’t collapse under the metaphorical pain in his chest.

He never knew it was possible to feel such emotional pain so physically.

He deliberated staying home, but that would worry his parents and friends even more, which is the last thing he wanted.

It’s almost the end of the week. Just keep getting ready for school, he told himself. It is only 4 hours until lunch, when you can be alone again.

Aone brushed his teeth while sitting on the edge of his bathtub, finding it easier to avoid his reflection in the mirror this way. He spat and rinsed, then reached for his floss, but realized it was empty.

Sighing, baby boy dragged his feet from his ensuite to one of his house’s main bathrooms where his mom left the extra toiletries.

Aone began flossing in his quiet bathroom. He heard the faint sound of the front door closing and locking since his mother usually left for work at this time. Takanobu finished flossing and washed his hands. He took a few floss containers and exited the main bathroom, shutting off the light and briskly turning the corner—before running right into another man.

“Shit!” The other voice yelled as their body fell backwards from the impact.

Completely startled because he thought he was home alone, Aone’s eyes widened but his fast reflexes caught the man’s arm before he fell to the ground. Aone’s eyes went back to normal realizing who he caught.

“Dude! Are you a fucking ghost?! You make zero sound when you walk around the house! How is that even possible for a man your size!?!”

Takanobu looked down at his best friend dressed in pyjamas like: ⁉️

Not uttering a word, he gave Kenji a monotone look as to say: What are you doing here?

Kenji—understanding his best friend without him needing to use words like he always did, answered him.

“What am I doing here?” Kenji chuckled. “Well, it’s been days and you won’t answer my texts or calls, big guy! I have no idea where you go during lunch, it’s cold as shit outside and we spend the entire time looking for you.... and then you go straight home when the last bell rings! You seem dead at school: like a zombie. So fuck, you forced my lazy ass to get creative. 💥 Boom. Now I’m here. Your mom said I can move in stay for the time being, basically. I’m sleeping in the first guest room and—“

Aone turned on his heels to peek into the first guest room beside the bathroom. Sure enough, he saw one big suitcase Futakuchi had used when he had come on a vacation with his dads side 4 years ago.

Aone turned back to his friend, grunting as if to say: 🤨 this is a lot....

“—No, it is not a lot. I’m worried about my best friend, man. Either way, I’m not asking you permission.” Kenji crosses his arms in response to his friend’s silent communication. “I told you it’s me and you.”

Aone frowned at his friend. He was pretty astonished by everything Kenji just said. First, Kenji is right about his own self analysis: Kenji is lazy. Which made this all the more alarming, because was Aone really that bad that his best friend felt obligated to move in temporarily?! Futakuchi was always welcome here and stayed over often, but nothing this drastic.

Second, Aone knew he was possibly moving around like a shell of a man—that’s why he avoided people unless it was in class regarding group work—but to be described as a zombie by his brutally honest friend? Ouch. What would Y/N think? Aone doubted you would regret dumping a guy like that if you were in good health and saw him at school.

Hearing your name again in his mind; Aone’s heart panged.

Takanobu’s gaze fell and shoulders sunk and Futakuchi noticed the drop. He knew his middle blocker was going through it like crazy.... and it made him sick. Kenji knew right then and there that he was right to come here.

“I know you don’t want to talk about her, Aone-san. We don’t have to until you’re ready. But I’m here, alright? Just two doors down when you want advice or you just want to watch a movie or play some volleyball. Okay?”

Still looking at his turtle slippers, Aone nodded. In his state, he couldn’t help but feel a bit better because his best friend cared so much about him.

Just then, Aone felt a sharp slap on his back that couldn’t have come from Kenji and an excited voice next to his ear.

“MORNING!!!!!! WHERE CAN I FIND THE FLOSS— OH! BOTH OF YOU ARE AWAKE!”

Koganegawa‘s eyes were barely open as he joined the two boys in the hallway, yawning in the midst of his loud greeting.

Startled that Kogane was in his house too, Aone gave him the same alarmed expression he’d initially given Futakuchi.

Kanji looked confused, so he nudged Futakuchi. “I’m not as good as you yet, dad. What does that look on Aone-senpai mean?” He asked, stretching his arms in fatigue.

In response, Kenji reached up to pinch his ear, yanking it down.

“OI! ITAI!” The setter cried.

Kenji spoke calmly.

“Takanobu-san is wondering what you’re doing here. And I’m wondering why you’re so loud in the mornings!!” Futakuchi let go and Kogane rubbed his now red ear, fully awake now. He glared at Kenji for a moment😡before his eyes met the middle blocker’s and softened.

“Hey, Mom. That abusive parent 👈🏻 mentioned something about staying here for a few days or weeks, and I begged him to let me come. I worry about you, too, you’re like a big brother to me, and I’m here for you just as much as he is.” Kanji smiled brightly at his older friend.

For the first time since you’d broken up with him, Aone felt his heart tighten for a different reason other than heartache. For one brief moment, Aone felt a few links in the heavy chain wrapped around his heart fall off. Albeit minimally, his friend’s endearing actions made him feel lighter.

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Outtake #13: CLICK HERE

Sneak Preview of the next dramatic Outtakes:

A pissed off Kenji Futakuchi confronts Y/N upon your return to school 👁👄👁

Aone and Y/N must work together for a school project....... 💔 awkward, or an opportunity? The answer may surprise you.

Taglist: @crushzone @galagcica @chaichai-the-weeb @nairobiisqueen @bisasterrr @juminly @simply-not-the-same

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positivityforlesbians · 4 years

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I’m so glad I found this blog, because I’m just really confused with myself and I have no one to talk about this. I’ve known I’m attracted to women for some years now, but I never questioned my attraction to men until last year (it was somehow a given that I should be attracted to men). Then I came across comphet and so many things there make sense and make me more confused. I have one relationship experience with a man and at the time I had so much anxiety and hated anything intimate, I thought it was only because I’m also on the autism spectrum and don’t like intimacy. But then I saw some wlw vlogs that were so relatable in terms of my culture and all the cutesy couple stuff that I’d hate to have with a man suddenly made more sense when I though about it with a woman. And I know to an outsider this might look like a clear case, but I also have a sexual harassment experience that traumatised me and I’ve tried years to get over the repulsion towards men in sexual sense, and some part of me is afraid that my trauma is causing all my feelings. I’m sorry this is getting long and rambly and I’m trying to not write my whole life story here. Maybe I just would like to hear any tips on how to trust my feelings about this. Because I guess it’s clear how it looks, but I still try to counter everything in my head for some weird reason. And I don’t have actual experience with women and I probably haven’t even recognized if I’ve had real crushes on women when I spent so much energy trying to find a guy to have a crush on. (Sorry if this is silly)

First I just want to say, don’t be sorry for writing this long message, you needed to get it off your chest and I’m glad if it made you feel better even a little. As girls/women, not questioning whether or not we’re attracted to men is the whole problem caused by patriarchy (and its attached heterosexual norms) and that manifests itself (when we’re lesbians) in compulsory heterosexuality. It’s why it’s important to talk about it, to not let any (unknowing) lesbian in the dark, it doesn’t happen to all lesbians of course but it definitely happens to many. It’s one thing to realize that we’re into women, it’s another to recognize that we aren’t attracted to men. It can be a process because society grooms us to see ourselves as a passive, as if being objects of the desire of men equal being attracted to them. But no, it doesn’t work that way, attraction to men means desiring them, desiring their bodies, if that desire doesn’t exist then we simply aren’t attracted to them. So it’s common that you didn’t question attraction to men until later in life (last year), whether you’re into them or not.

Without telling you what your sexual orientation is (that’s something you can figure out yourself) I will add that sexual trauma can make a woman afraid of men/men’ bodies however it doesn’t make her somehow have zero attraction to men. They are attracted to them but don’t act on it or take a lot of precautions to find a man that seems safer than usual, etc, but they don’t have to force themselves “trying to find a guy to have a crush on”, for them it just happens because they’re attracted to men. What I’m trying to express in details is that sexual trauma doesn’t change a person’s sexual orientation but it can change a person’s sexuality (how often they have sex, what type of practices - since some can be triggering for them - etc). If the assault(s) never happened your sexual orientation would be the same, this is something important to remember. A lesbian can live a very fulfilling life after a traumatic past (rape, sexual assaults, etc) and knowing that what happened doesn’t define her and didn’t change what she was all along without necessarily knowing it at the time. I hope this will reassure you and will help you see things clearer. Xx

#anonymous #my answers #lesbian safe #compulsory heterosexuality #mental health #healing #lesbian positivity

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calypsoff · 3 years

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Eighty Two. Part 2

Robyn is not happy meanwhile I can’t stop laughing, I think for me it’s very empowering I would say, I don’t know. I mean Rihanna is giving me head if you want to say it like that, I am winning so bad. I know niggas are upset right now; I know they are hating me because I would hate me. And I ain’t scared to say that I bust a nut quick either, I mean Robyn knows how to give head, so I am not complaining “I don’t like it Chris, I don’t like this one bit. This was taken on a phone because if it was professional then it would be clearer, that guy did it. People assume I am some whore; they did when I started off in the business. They assumed I slept my way up because I wasn’t that talented, I don’t like it” frowning at Robyn saying this, how can she say this “you are literally married to me, whatever the fuck we do we are doing is because we are married. I do not give a fuck what anyone says, you were giving your husband head, what the fuck is wrong with that. You’re not a whore, don’t let people assumed of you get to you, you’re not what they say you are ok?” Robyn is very upset about this, me on the other hand I see the funny side because I find it funny. I mean I am getting head from my wife, it’s nothing “my mother is going to see it, my family are. I am going to sue the man, I don’t care. Every news outlet has it, TMZ being the first people. They are awful too, they put here Rihanna and her husband doing the nasty at Bora Bora, then they put Rihanna seemed to have dropped off since she had the baby but we can tell she hasn’t, she is busy catching up with her husband, I have people in the comments saying she is too busy using her mouth for dick then an album” I snorted laughing, I couldn’t help it “I am sorry” I apologised, Robyn glared at me, she isn’t happy but I can’t stop laughing.

Robyn is huffing and puffing because of what happened but I do not see the bad side of it at all, we are married living our best life and niggas are just being haters, I don’t see the problem at all “I just messaged Tina that I want to know who leaked this, I would like to also sue the person as this is an invasion of privacy towards me and my husband, we was at the resort in good faith that we wouldn’t be pictured, this has really affected me Tina so please fix this” nodding my head, I don’t know why she is taking it bad “but on a real, why are you so upset? We are married, we are doing married people things, so what you sucked my dick, does it matter? We are literally married; this is no news” Robyn looked up at me “do you like people speaking about how your wife mouth works? The vile comments they are making, do you not get when I say I have had this all my life, that I am some sort of slut, or whatever. I am not that, I am not having it. I am a mother; I do not want my daughter growing up and seeing that, but I guess it’s too late now” nodding my head, I mean she feels that way and I have to respect that “I get it” I mumbled “do you not see the issue though?” Robyn questioned, taking in a deep breath “erm, on a real. Not exactly, just because we are married, we are having fun, we are being us. I don’t see why we should be upset or shy away from things that us humans do, just say we was playing hide and seek” Robyn sighed out “right, and you were just biting your bottom lip and stuff for nothing?” I shrugged; women be so uptight.

I want to post the picture of me, like my finger is hovering over the post button. It’s only the picture of me with my head back and mouth open, I came. I can tell I came then, but I think Robyn is going to kill me if I do “from one to ten, how angry would you be if I posted a picture” Robyn mean mugged me “what picture?” chewing my bottom lip and then turned my phone “oh you ass” I snorted laughing “Chris, I am being deadass with you. Post that and you will see fucking trouble, I don’t like that shit and you know it. I said how much I am upset about that, and you want to post a picture of you busting a nut!?” she is so moody “Robyn, you are taking this too seriously. On god, you are with your husband. You are sucking his dick, who fucking cares” Robyn waved her hand around at me “I said what I said, you post that we are going to argue so much, I am not even going to lie to you with that. I don’t like it! I will sue you too” tapping cancel “alright, calm down. You can’t sue the very man that took your virginity now” moody ass, she is so moody “please, the man that took my virginity hit the sides” she is being spiteful now “mhmm nice” I mumbled, let me just leave her to it because I don’t want to argue.

I really appreciate the fact I have fanpages, on god I enjoy seeing it and the fact I do have fans like it’s wild to me. I don’t really do anything to have them, but I do, I follow them back most of the times, but they be lusting over me bad, reading the caption of the reposted picture the page put up, she put on that she would let me spit in her mouth, that is a wild thing to even say about anyone, how wild is that. Commenting back on the post ‘That’s wild af! Lol’ pressing send, I don’t know why everyone is going wild for the picture I posted, it was just me with the silk shirt and shades on, maybe it’s the tan that is doing it, I don’t know but it’s getting a lot of attention, more then what I thought I would get. I am just a country nigga from VA, I don’t know about this shit at all “I am sorry” Robyn apologised, looking up from my phone “for what rabbit?” locking my phone “for snapping on you, it was wrong of me. I was just angry because I have been through so much shit with the public calling me so much shit and I just don’t like it, yes you are my husband and that is fine but what we do is private. I am so angry Chris you don’t understand, I am an island girl. I was a child, but they had me on the blogs and saying I slept with old man Jay? A whole minor, they had me sleeping with grown ass men, men I never did anything with. It was so unfair, I didn’t like it but they, meaning my record label liked it, I was so stuck in this foreign place trying to make a name for myself, ok the headlines ain’t bad but the comments, they are ugly” nodding my head understanding “I am sorry” I apologised also “you’re just being a boy, you’re seeing the funny side and that it’s a good thing but to me, I don’t like it. I get flashbacks” Robyn sniffled, now she is crying.

Putting my head down “don’t cry” I mumbled “I didn’t mean it at all like that, you haven’t actually really spoke on that. I didn’t know at all, I am sorry” Robyn is an emotional mess, I feel so bad “Robyn I really didn’t know any of it at all, I didn’t know that happened to you and people were saying you slept with Jay Z, I was locked up then, so I really didn’t pay attention. I was getting my ass beat and being jealous that I am not with you, so I am sorry. I understand now, so yeah. Forgive me?” Robyn waved me off “I am not angry at you Chris; I promise you this. It’s just the whole situation of what happened to me and that isn’t your fault, remember that. That happened to me, and it happened, what else can I say that. That is why I just didn’t like it, I am a wife now, also a mother. Life has changed, so that is why” sighing out “people were really mean to you huh?” Robyn nodded her head “didn’t like, created rumours which made Bey and I fall out, we ended up not liking each other because of it, because she assumed I was sleeping with her man, I was a minor. My boobs barely came out too, I hated it Chris” smiling lightly at her “I liked it though, you know I did” she giggled putting her head down “I know you did, I never understood why but yeah, don’t feel bad. It’s just what happened to me” I didn’t think like that.

Robyn fell asleep, she is tired after all that crying, and I don’t blame her. You know what a lot of people want me to go live, this fan thing is rather fun. I just put up a selfie and they are saying go live constantly, I might as well do that because we are still on this flight back and she is asleep, so I got nothing else to do. Going live on my main account “would you like anything?” the flight attendant asked “erm, no thank you. I am good thank you” I smiled as she walked off, looking back at my phone. I have the best tan; I swear I look so refreshed. I just staring at myself on the live “what’s good?” looking down at the comments “hello, hello, hello” I grinned “thank you ma, Bora Bora weather was amazing, as you can see. My tan is impeccable” I chuckled, they are complimenting my face this much, looking at the amount of people in the live, this is crazy how fast it is going up “Rylee, is good. She has been with my mom, she is in VA. In the cold, we needed adult time” I chuckled, licking my lips “baby number two?” I laughed “no ma’am, we don’t need another baby” sitting back in the seat just reading through the comments “you saw my daughter in VA? Oh” squinting my eyes, that is Austin, he seen my daughter how “hey Austin” I mumbled, the fuck does he want and talking shit on here, I mean I don’t care for him that much.

I have been on this live for a while now, just talking shit but Drake decided to come in and comment shit which made the viewing go even higher and then Tyga, they are here talking shit about nothing “anyways, what y’all think. Would I look good in grills?” licking my top lip, I am trying to ignore both of them trolls. Seeing Drake has requested to join “man, fuck you bro. I ain’t accepting shit” I laughed, he thinks I am dumb to just accept that shit so he can troll hard ‘ACCEPT IT’ Drake typed out, side eyeing him as I did, shaking my head knowing this will be a mess “it’s that pretty motherfucker” Drake spat, I knew he would say that shit “now you know damn well, I ain’t that feminine nigga” I dragged out and mumbled “you dumb, you know they record these things I am calling you pretty” he is co-signing Rocky for nothing “Chris, you are glowing. Chubbs give me my shades, my eyes right now. He is glowing” Chubbs is laughing his ass off “you pastie motherfucker, suck my dick. Nigga built like a bad bbl job” the comment section is a mess “aigh, I love my bro. Don’t worry me and Breezy is going to be bringing out an album, this is what the fans want?” rolling my eyes “you come on my live to just be annoying? I ain’t no rapper, just when I am drunk, you know what. I left Rihanna in Bora Bora, I am divorcing her man, she ain’t here” her fans be annoying me “the snoring did it” I gasped, Drake let that slip out “backtrack! Backtrack!” I spat, hiding my face “I am joking, I love riri” I said that to him in conversation “when we meeting up, I have a tour coming up. You riding” Robyn is awake, oh man “erm, I am married now” Drake pulled a face “what does that got to do with me? I just need you to be hype man” watching Robyn walking off, she is going to be moody with me “when you’re married you know why” he got me in trouble bad, I did mention the snoring to him in conversation because I couldn’t sleep “too busy for me now huh, being behind those rocks” I just busted out laughing loudly “living my best life nigga” I really am.

I thought I would get off live and remain silent the rest of the way back to VA because I am about to get my ass whooped, I know Robyn heard that and I did mention to Drake that, but it was when I couldn’t sleep, he just asked and I mean he said it out loud now I feel bad, I am in deep trouble right now, that is all I know. But Robyn closed the car door when I was about to get in, so I had to go around the car, I am about to say it to her. I am not about to play this game because its dumb “women” closing the car door “who?” Robyn said “I just said women, you know. In general, they do the most. You know? Just a statement” Robyn kissed her teeth “you told Drake I snore, and you both been kiki about that? Like it’s funny, it’s private to me Chris. You really pissed me off, you and that motherfucker both anger me. He does nothing but get you in trouble, and you fucking right you are staying home. You now going anywhere with him, I know what goes on. City to city, girls after girls and you want to go?” is that a trick question “uhm no” I mean that is the only answer “you damn right you not going with that dumbass, and on top of that I don’t want you going on these stupid live things because you don’t know how to be quiet” she be overreacting but I can’t be bothered to be saying anything, I will when I can be bothered.

I am glad to be home, to be back in VA that is “back home bitches!” my dad pushed me inside “get inside, it’s cold out here acting dumb” I sniggered at my dad “you back, you had a good time uncle” dapping Desean “I am released, relieved, light weight the whole nine. I am good” my dad hit the back of my head “you talk too much, now get inside” I laughed going into the living room “I am so glad you are both back” Robyn was quick to go straight to Rylee, that was the first point and that is all that mattered to her “same mom, how was my daughter and Austin” I dragged out confused, what is he doing here “he needed a home to stay in Chris, my sister is away for a while and he needed to stay behind for college but she didn’t want him to be home alone” I don’t like that little nigga, I mean he hasn’t done anything to me yet but I don’t like him “nice meeting you Rihanna, I am Chris’ cousin” he is already speaking to Robyn “I tried telling you on IG, you wasn’t paying attention like that” he dapped me, like what the fuck is this.

Sitting atop of the kitchen counter, I am still questioning what the motive is here “so when you come here? And with who? Who else was here” I might as well start building my blunt, Austin rested against the kitchen top “I just came, my mom rang, and she accepted. Just me, that is it. Auntie J said that they are not accepting visitors right now because Rylee is here. I haven’t taken no picture of her, promise” licking my lips “your brother wants to kill me and you’re here in my home, does it make sense? It doesn’t. None of you fucking like me bro” they are using my mother “I ain’t ever say that to you Chris, shit went sideways when that happened, and I get it but I mind my business. He is in jail for being a crazy nigga, I am not him. I am in college wanting to be something” I still don’t trust me “none of you were at my wedding, I don’t fuck with any of you” I shrugged “that is you though, Uncle Clinton hid you away because we were after you. If we were then we could have, we have never attacked you” Robyn walked into the kitchen “can I speak to Chris in private please, just for a second” that look, I have done something wrong because she is not impressed. Let me prepare myself for this “gotchu” Austin moved off, Robyn made her way to me “you stopped being mad yet?” she is all uptight “you haven’t held Rylee yet, running away from her but anyways. What did you say about my ex?” furrowing my eyebrows “which one?” I questioned “Rakim Chris, what did you say about him?” I shrugged “I have no idea, we was just having fun” I bet some shit has offended someone “you called Rakim feminine which has now caused drama, now I have my husband on shade room and my ex throwing shots at each other, see what I mean about your mouth and your little jokes on live. You called him a female and he has now said this pretty nigga had your wife, so are you happy now” I sighed out, I always get myself in some shit.

#chrianna fanfiction #chrianna #chriannaff #chrianna ff #fanfic #fanfiction

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cilldaracailin · 3 years

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Hello my Tumblr Lovely’s,

Normal service has resumed on my blog and I am back to post the next part of this Robyn and Taron story.

Random side tangent though.... I bought this today!

And I am ridiculously excited to get it and we won’t talk about how the shipping was nearly the same price as the product but I cannot wait to get my hands on it! It’s Care Bears! And original 80′s bears! Just living my childhood now!

Anywhoo, moving on. No major disclaimer needed for this part. Tiny bit emotional and a little angst but nothing else. Also I don’t know Taron.

Suze xx

“Relief is a wonderful emotion, highly underrated. In fact, I prefer it to elation or joy. Relief lets the air out of the Tire of Pain.”

Once Robyn had tidied away the picnic blanket and she put the cups in the dishwasher in the kitchen, she took Taron’s hand and they walked back upstairs, the last to arrive, everyone sitting and chatting as Aiden got the next part of the course ready to go. They took the two seats at the end as before and Robyn’s nerves had settled until Aiden came to the part about bleeding and the different types of wounds associated with bleeding and when the trainer mentioned gun shots, he quickly stopped and immediately looked to her.

“It’s fine.” She assured him. “Go on.” Her hand squeezing Taron’s hard completely disagreed with what she actually thought and when his hand returned the tight grip, she knew he was feeling just as uncomfortable as she was.

Thankfully, Aiden didn’t linger on the subject of more severe wounds, concentrating on what they would most likely find in a creche. Ten minutes before four, he was handing out the pages with the quick quiz for the attendees to fill in, Robyn grinning when Taron asked for one too.

“I may as well. I have sat through it.”

Robyn finished the multichoice questionnaire quickly and looked to Taron as he hoovered over a and b on question seven.

“It’s c.” She whispered to him, seeing Taron grin and circle c.

“What is this one?” He asked pointing the question number two.

“A.”

“Thank you.”

Robyn looked to the left when she was elbowed by Emma sitting beside her. “Cheater.”

“He wasn’t here for the first part of the day.”

“Sure.” Emma smiled. “That’s your reason.”

With all the quizzes collected and corrected, everyone passed the refresher course and were then handed their certs, Aiden quickly hand drawing out one for Taron too, giving it to him with a grin and handshake.

“Thank you all for coming today and giving me your full attention. I know it is not an easy course to take but everyone gave their all and I very much appreciate that. Now enjoy the rest of your weekend.”

A babble of chatter filled the room as a happy mood of being free from weekend training circled the air. Robyn turned to Taron and gave him a tiny smile, suddenly feeling a whole new level of exhaustion fill her. Keeping it together during the training, she could finally fully breathe again but that shame that had been pushed to the side that morning when Taron appeared was quickly creeping back in.

“Stop it.” Taron could see her overthinking once again, now that she wasn’t distracted by the course and he leaned a little closer to her, knowing the increased volume of the conversation in the room would cover his words. “You are not to let yourself fall back into the guilt I know you are feeling. I am happy to be here with you. Too much has happened for us today to go backwards.”

She nodded in agreement and then acknowledged the staff who walked past them saying goodbye as they had some hurry in their step to leave the playroom and make the most of what was left of their weekend. Soon it was just her, Taron and Emma left in the room along with Aiden as he tidied up after the course. Once the room was somewhat empty, Robyn rolled her neck and letting go of Taron’s hand covered her mouth as she yawned.

“Why don’t you and Taron head back to yours.” Emma had noticed how neither Robyn or her male friend had even tried to make a move once the course finished and they still sat on the little chairs. “Been a long day for you both.”

“I will help you put the room back together.” Robyn stood up and went to pick up the chair she was sitting on but was stopped by Emma.

“The girls can do it on Monday. They will have lots of time before the children come in. Take Taron and go home.” Emma tilted her head a little, her eyebrows motioning towards Taron.

Robyn easily read the body language from Emma and knew she had to face the fate of Taron’s clear disappointment as he spoke to her outside earlier. “Yeah alright.” She turned to Taron. “Ready to go?”

“Absolutely.” He nodded. Desperate for some privacy and his chat with Robyn, he also really wanted a shower and some sleep. Getting to his feet, he looked to Emma. “Thank you.”

Emma smiled a little. “No need for you to thank me. It was nice to see you again.” She hoped Taron got the hidden meaning behind her words and as he stepped forward to give her a hug, she knew he did.

Once they said one last thank you and goodbye to Aiden, they headed downstairs and while Robyn collected her belongings from her locker, Taron waited in the office. He heard a clash and clang as she dropped something and when the curse came from her lips as she dropped her keys again, he stepped into the hallway, watching as she juggled her belongings, reaching forward to take her purse before she dropped it too.

“Robyn?” He caught her keys just as the slipped from her hands too and he was left holding all of her things except her coat.

“Shit sorry Taron.” Robyn walked past him into the office and dropped her coat on her chair. “Don’t know what is going on with me.” She took her things from him, putting everything into her handbag, except her keys, leaving them on the desk.

“I have an idea.” He said kindly and he stepped in to give her a hug. “Adrenaline is gone and that tiredness is really settling in. Thoughts of things to come.”

“I hate that I did this to you.” She spoke into his chest.

“You have done nothing to me except protect me but you just went around it the wrong way and here in your office is not the place for this conversation. Let’s go back to yours.” Taron placed a soft kiss on her head. “And I am driving.”

Robyn lifted her head from him. “You are driving?”

“Yes.” He picked up her keys from the desk. “I am not letting you drive home like this. I know I am tired but your tired is so different to mine. I will get us back to yours and don’t even try to argue with me over it.”

“Whatever you want rocketman.”

He smiled as she used his nickname. “Great. Let’s go.” He picked up his sunglasses and hat, putting both on before swinging his bag over his right shoulder.

With everything in her hands except her keys, Robyn pushed the door release button and let them out of the creche, making their way to her car. She smiled as Taron crossed her path, getting to the car first at the driver’s side, unlocking the car and throwing his bag on the back seat, Robyn slipping into the passenger side. Strange having someone else drive her car, it was something she never thought Taron would ever have to do but inside she was happy for him to take over the short drive to hers, trusting him completely to get them there safely. At the moment, he was definitely the perfect person to have behind the wheel. She watched him adjust the seat a little, before he pulled his seatbelt on and then started the car, Robyn turning the radio down. The drive was quick and quiet and as the car rolled down the cul de sac of where Robyn lived, they both gave Lizzie, her mam a wave as they passed by her childhood home, Lizzie outside talking to the neighbours. Robyn cringed at the thought of her mam seeing Taron in her car and driving it too only imagining the questioning she was going to get when she saw her mam next.

As Taron parked the car outside her house, making sure the hand break was pulled up properly, normally what was a happy feeling inside at having Taron in her home, knowing it was some decent rest for him, was replaced by an overanxious and troubled sickening feeling for Robyn. She waited for Taron to grab his bag and then once he had locked the car, let him unlock her front door and turn off the alarm.

Once inside, Taron pulled off his glasses and hat and left his bag on the island and stood in the kitchen waiting for Robyn to hang up her coat. She slowly made her way to stand beside him, knowing full well what was coming, her eyes on the floor, avoiding looking at Taron.

“So, I want you to go into the bathroom and run yourself a nice hot bubble bath.”

Robyn’s head shot up. “What?”

“You heard me.” Taron moved a little closer to her. “It has been a hard morning and you just need to re-energise but also heat up.”

“Taron…”

“What I want to say will take me about a minute and it needs to be said when we both have clearer heads and taken some time for pumped up emotions to calm down a bit and preferably in a cuddle in my corner of the couch. We need to make sure words are not exchanged when we are still stumbling through what happened today. I know right now, my mind set isn’t perfect and seeing you perform the CPR has made me understand why you didn’t want to tell me about the training but I still needed to know about it so what I want you to do, is go and run a nice bath, put some music on and then after I take a shower we can sit and work some niggly things out. Then we put one some crappy TV in your room and sleep.” Taron placed his hands on her cheeks. “If you don’t run it, I will and you know I don’t know how to make the bath salts melt properly.”

Robyn smiled at him under his hands. “I would love a bath.”

“Go. I will find something to amuse myself with around here.”

“I have no doubt about that. Thanks Taron.”

“Take as long as you need. Is cwtch on your couch?”

“Of course.” Robyn answered him.

“Think I might go and catch up with him.”

“Feel free to raid the fridge Taron.”

“Baked goods?” He asked his eyes opening wide.

“Maybe.” Robyn side stepped around him to her countertop beside the fridge and pulled a plate towards her with a round cake cover on top. Taron came to stand beside her and as she lifted the lid, heard the gasp of excitedness from him.

“You made the chocolate cupcakes with honeycomb!” He reached forward to swipe at the pale chocolate frosting on top of the cake, eating the light frosting from his finger. “And you made them without me.” His voice held a tinge of sadness.

“When I don’t sleep, I bake.” Robyn answered with a shrug. “I also didn’t know you were coming and I wanted to practise them before I made them with you. Just to be sure.”

“Tastes good.” Taron picked a piece of honeycomb and ate it. “Delicious. I know what I am going to do now when you are in the bathroom.”

“Cwtch can’t have chocolate.” Robyn looked to him. “Don’t feed him cupcakes.” His smile was beautiful and the first one all day where his dimples appeared. “I don’t want to wash him.”

“I promise, I will be the one eating the cupcakes.”

“Good. Make sure you explain to cwtch that he will get his corner back too.”

“My corner.” Taron corrected quickly. “Cwtch was kept in a drawer under your bed before I came along.”

His answer made Robyn smile and she loved being able to have the little jokes and silliness with him. It was upsetting that it had been missing for them all day. “I am going to go now though I have a feeling I am going to come out to you covered in chocolate, in a chocolate coma on the couch.”

Taron shook his head. “You won’t. Go and take some time to relax.”

With a nod, Robyn walked away from him in the kitchen and headed for the bathroom through the laundry room, closing both doors behind her. It hadn’t been an idea that crossed her mind herself but after Taron made the suggestion of taking a hot bath, it was all she could think of and at the bath, got the plug in and hot water flowing quickly, adding an over generous amount of coconut bubble bath into the water, white foamy bubbles swirling in the water straight away. The tropical scent floated through the bathroom and as the water continued to flow, steam rose from the deep bath. Robyn walked into her bedroom, frowning at the mess she had left it in, the bed unmade, clothes thrown across the place. Even though she hadn’t really spent much time in her bedroom over the last few nights, it was still a state. She picked up a few random items of clothing and rolling them into a ball, threw them into an empty cubby hole in her wardrobe, then routing out one of her matching pyjama sets, laid it over the silver radiator bars in the bathroom and turned it on.

The bath was filling nicely and she unzipped her work fleece, throwing it into the open laundry hamper, turning to the mirror and sighing. She looked wretched and it was going to take more than a cosy sleep with Taron to rid of her the dark circles under her eyes and a lot of hydrating masks to sooth dry skin. She bent down and opened the cabinet drawer under her sink and flicking through her face masks, pulled out a pink sheet mask, perfect for rehydrating tired skin. She turned her attention back to the bath, getting to the taps just in time before the water reached the point where it would slop over the side once she got in. Going to her bath bomb wicker basket on the window, she picked up one she knew would match the coconut scent of the bubble bath and taking it from the paper packaging, threw it into the water, hearing it fizz. Once stripped and her clothes in the hamper, she eased herself into the water, wincing a little at the heat but as her body got used to the temperature of the scalding water it was glorious. Lifting her hand from the water, she pressed the button to start the bubble jets and left them on an easy sprinkle setting and then opened the face mask, placing the moisture filled sheet on her face and then lay her head back.

“Alexa, play Robyn’s piano favourites.” She called out into the bathroom, immediately the electronic device granting her wish. “Alex set an alarm for twenty minutes.” Alarm set and music on, Robyn closed her eyes and tried to clear her mind, to stop herself from thinking about everything she could. To forget how she had betrayed Taron’s trust and how she had a lot of grovelling to do for him which also involved as many head massages as he would like.

Taron had already eaten two cupcakes and was on his third as he stood in front of the piano, admiring all of Robyn’s framed pictures, particularly the ones of him and her at all of his red carpet appearances that she had accompanied him to. By far his favourite was the one Stella had taken of them in the hotel room and it was clearly Robyn’s favourite too as it took pride of place among all the photos of her family and friends. He was happy to have a little walk around, saying hello to her fish, looking out into her garden, smiling at the memory of sitting outside last year eating breakfast. The couch was calling to him but he was waiting to sit down because he knew once he sank into the comfiness of her corner couch, it wouldn’t be long before he had a nap and he wanted to stay awake until he just got his point across to Robyn that from today, things would have to change between them.

Eating the honeycomb from the cupcake, Taron had spent a good ten minutes wandering around her living area before he had to give in to some of the weariness he was feeling and sat down on the couch, nowhere near the corner but closer to the glass doors. He had just got settled when there was a knock on the front door.

“Robyn?”

Taron’s head turned to see Lizzie walking in, her face in slight surprise at seeing him sitting on the couch.

“Well, hey Taron. I thought it was you I saw in Robyn’s car. Driving it too I believe.” She closed the door and walked in towards the couch. “I didn’t know you were coming for a visit this weekend.”

“Well, it was a last-minute trip.” Taron stood up. “Just quick one.” He walked around the couch to greet Robyn’s mam with a light hug. “A real quick one.”

“Robyn normally tells me when you are coming over. It has been a while.”

“Just had a last-minute free day.” Taron shrugged. “Easier to get to Kilcreen now that I am in Belfast filming.”

“Now that she did mention.” Lizzie said with a small smile.

“It’s been busy but great being closer. No planes.” Taron tried to sound as upbeat as he could. “Always a plus.”

Lizzie saw Taron fold his arms over himself, the clear dark circles under his eyes and how he was faltering on his feet. “So, let me guess. My wonderfully stubborn daughter decided it would be in hers and yours best interest not to tell you about the first aid training she had this morning and but someone rang you to tell you and my first guess would be Claire but I am sure it was Emma and you came to Kilcreen to stand by Robyn as once again she insisted on taking on everything herself and it has been a horrible morning for both of you where neither of you got any sleep last night and Robyn is struggling once more with the frightening things that happened to you and her last year and you poor thing are here to help her but suffering through it just as much as she is.”

Taron’s mouth dropped open a small bit but his eyes closed as he nodded his head.

“I swear that daughter of mine. At times like these she is her father’s daughter. Not related to me at all. Come and sit with me.” Lizzie placed a gentle hand on Taron’s shoulder and they walked to the seats at the breakfast bar. “Sometimes I wonder if a sibling would have been good for her. She always had her cousins around, they only live next door but she is so stubbornly independent that maybe having a brother or a sister would have just opened her up more to the idea of sharing feelings and then since Keith…” Lizzie stopped to look at Taron who was avoiding her eyes. “Well, that fucker changed her into this broken scared girl and unfortunately since then she has always been out to close into herself. It wasn’t until she met you that I noticed a change in her but it seems she has been back to her old ways.” Lizzie reached for Taron’s hands. “I am so sorry she is making your life a little troublesome. Her heart is definitely in the right place just her mindset still needs to be shifted.”

Taron gave her another small smile. “She is not troublesome at all. In fact, she is wonderful.” The words came from his lips before he could stop them and knew his tired face blushed. “What I mean is…”

“I knew I liked you the first time I met you in her garden.” Lizzie smiled at him. “But the way she has treated you this weekend is not right.”

“She was under a lot of stress this morning.”

“Still no excuse for what she did Taron. Considering how close you two have gotten and how much she loves you, it really was very unfair on you though. She didn’t stop to think how her pig-headedness would affect you and not even a second thought to giving you a simple phone call. You came such a way for her and I am sure it has put you out some.”

“Not at all. I figured something out with work.” Taron insisted.

“I am sorry Taron.”

“You don’t have to apologise for Robyn. I actually admire her stubbornness; how independent and strong she is. Granted at times, she really pushes herself too far and honestly, I was hurt by what she did today.” Taron looked to Lizzie, afraid he was going to offend her. “I know why she did it and I am not mad at her.” He quickly said. “But I just need her to see that I am here for her, especially when it comes to things that involve me, like the CPR. I want to be there for her. She has done so much for me.”

“You sure you a man?” Lizzie asked with a chuckle.

Taron returned the chuckle. “Last time I checked, yes.”

“You have a good heart Taron.”

“Blame my mother.”

“Now Taron, I have spoken to your mother and she is a lovely woman.”

Taron nodded. “The best. Lizzie, I don’t want you to be mad at Robyn either. She is already feeling shit about not telling me and I am going to talk to her about what she did but honestly, I think something may have changed for her today. I saw a different Robyn earlier, one that finally seemed to understand just how much she was actually hurting herself more than anything.”

“But she is hurting you too and she can’t do that Taron. I can’t imagine today was any way easy on you too. Had to be hard watching the training.”

“It wasn’t nice.” He answered. “I saw the CCTV footage, I know what she did but it was so close to me in the creche and so very real and even though I am tired and need to sleep, I am sure I will have a few unpleasant images in my head for a while, might find it hard to drift off.”

“And get back to work.”

“Actually, they might help with my character.”

“It was still something you could have been forewarned about, something you could have talked through together rather than just being thrown into it.”

“Robyn threw herself on me to save me all those months ago, it was the least I could have done for her and to be honest, I do think doing the CPR for Robyn and for me, was good for us. Hopefully the start of the emotional healing we both need.”

“I hope so Taron because I have seen Robyn broken before and I can’t bear to watch her go through it again.”

“You already told me how strong she is and she is a serious survivor Lizzie and like I said, there was a little bit of a change and realisation after the CPR. I think a little light bulb might have gone off for her.”

Lizzie was so thankful for the patient man sitting beside her. “I really hope so but a lot of that is down to you Taron. You are the one perfect thing going for her at the moment and I really don’t want that to change but if she keeps blocking you out, I am worried that it…”

“It won’t.” Taron interrupted her quickly. “I am not going anywhere. Believe me, I am too involved now to go anywhere plus if she keeps baking me chocolate cupcakes, I can’t see a way out.” He joked.

Lizzie placed her hands on Taron’s face, finally making him look at her properly. “You have given her so much, already helped her more than I can explain but I don’t want her treating you like this because you deserve the same love you give her in abundance and believe me Taron, she does love you but as you also know, has a lot of demons to conquer.” She leaned into gently kiss his forehead, Taron smiling as it was the same delicate gesture Robyn always gave to him. “Thank you for being so kind to her, for treating her right.”

Taron placed his hands on Lizzies. “Your daughter did something for me that I will never be able to repay her for.”

“You have no idea how much you have done for her already Taron.” Lizzie took her hands from his face. “She still hasn’t stopped talking about that tent you made for her and that bracelet hasn’t left her wrist.” She was so glad to see a smile fill his face. “And I cannot even begin to explain to you how much her confidence has grown, how those little weekend trips to see you just excite her. It’s new and it’s wonderful and I just need to thank you for giving her back her spark, for helping her get it back.” She moved to give him a hug. “And don’t be afraid to give her a little bit of hell for what she did.”

“Lizzie…” Taron tried to break the hug but Robyn’s mam hugged him tighter.

“She listens to you Taron and I honestly think, if it comes from you, it means so much more than coming from me or her dad. I know how much she loves you and of everyone in her life at the moment, you are the one person she will not want to disappoint.”

“Just a little word.” He agreed. “A small one. She already knows.”

“I am sure she does Taron but make sure she knows. I don’t want her to lose you.”

This time it was Taron who hugged Lizzie tighter. “She won’t. I am sorry to say but she is kind of stuck with me and hopefully for a very long time.”

“I think her dad and I might just be ok with that.”

Taron laughed. “My mam is pretty chuffed too.”

“Someday we are going to have meet your family.”

“I very much look forward to that day.”

Their heads turned as they heard the music in the bathroom stop.

“Guess that is my cue to go. I don’t want her to know I was here.”

“I won’t say a word.” Taron agreed. “Thanks Lizzie. I needed a little pick me up.”

“I can only imagine but I think Robyn might be able to help with the rest.” Lizzie stood up and walked around the breakfast bar, stopping to look to Taron. “Ask her for a head massage. I have heard you like those.” Lizzie left him with a little wink and wide smile, another deep red blush filling Taron’s face as she left.

Lizzie had only left when the bedroom door opened and Robyn walked out, looking more refreshed and slightly happier in herself, wearing the matching white ski pyjamas he had found in her old bedroom when he had snooped through her shelves.

Robyn was so glad she had set the alarm because she had found herself dozing and the jingle woke her up, with a little splash, the water now luke warm, a lot of the frothy bubbles gone. Carefully getting out of the bath, she hopped into the shower to wash the glitter residue off from the bath bomb but also to wash her hair. Slipping into her warmed pyjama’s she was thrilled to have washed the day off, glad it was mostly done with and as she sat drying her hair, felt very apprehensive about what Taron had to say. Disappointing him was a suffering she didn’t want to have to go through again but knew he needed to have his say and was going to let him, hoping she could keep herself together to listen because seeing Taron in pain was her worst fear.

When she walked out to her living area, he was swinging around on one her breakfast bar stools. She walked over to the bar, smiling as he continued to twirl around.

“Having fun?”

“Lots.” He answered spinning once more. “Have a nice bath?”

“It was perfect.”

“Feeling warmer?”

“Much.”

“Wearing your Eddie pj’s?”

“Not my Eddie pj’s but yes.”

“No shorts?”

“Not for the moment.” Robyn walked around the breakfast bar to stand beside him. “The bathroom is all yours.” She looked over his shoulder to the plates with the cupcakes, noticing some missing. “Your tummy happy too?”

“Very.” He agreed with a grin. “They were yummy.” He got down off the stool. “I am going to go and shower.”

“Take as long as you want. I know you love that rainfall shower or I could run you a bath if you would like.”

“Thank you but no. I will stick to a shower.” He walked to the island and picked up his bag. “I may have to borrow a few things in your bathroom. I am not too sure what I packed in here this morning.”

“You know you can use whatever you want.”

Taron nodded and started to walk away from her but turned back. “I like your pictures. On your piano.”

“Me too.” She answered him. “Go and shower.”

He nodded at her and walked into her bedroom, dropping his bag on the bed. He pulled his jumper off and dropped it beside his bag, his shirt landing on the duvet next. He zipped open his bag, rummaging inside and sighed as he realised what he had packed. One clean pair of boxers and some sweat pants. Thrown at the bottom of his bag was a can of deodorant and a toothbrush. It seemed that packing in a rush and haze of disorientated worry and annoyance had not worked in his favour and he realised he was going to need to borrow more than a few things. Walking into the bathroom, he opened his belt as he went, inhaling the gorgeous feminine scent left in the neatly organised wash room from Robyn and her bath. He turned on the shower and stripped down, leaving his clothes in a pile on the floor. He was going to have to ask Robyn would she mind if he put a wash on if he was going to have any clean clothes for tomorrow.

The shower was definitely needed and more beneficial than a bath and that powerful rainfall shower just pounded on tired muscles. He quickly washed his hair, used Robyn’s lime shower gel and as he stepped out of the shower, saw the towel waiting on the heated radiator for him, Robyn still looking out for him in the smallest of ways. It was so warm on his chilly skin and once dried he put on the one pair of boxers he brought with him and the grey sweat pants. He picked up the black jumper and his shirt from the bed and headed back into the bathroom to pick up the clothes he had left on the floor and walked into the laundry room and put them in the empty laundry hamper. He grabbed a fresh towel from the shelf and was towel drying his hair as he walked back into the living room, Robyn standing in the kitchen at the hob at the counter.

“Could I borrow a t-shirt?” He asked walking over to her. “I seemed to have left everything behind in Belfast.”

While Taron showered, Robyn whisked up some eggs, cooking them slowly in a saucepan and had some bread in the toaster waiting to be pushed down. She felt a little hungry and knowing how many cupcakes Taron already had, figured he would like some food. She turned when she heard his voice, her heart fluttering as he walked towards her in just his comfy sweatpants.

“My t-shirt?” She asked him.

“Technically one of mine but yes one of yours but as I gave it to you it will fit me and perhaps, I could borrow it for tonight? Or the hoodie?”

“Sure of course. You stir the eggs and I will get it.”

“Eggs?” He asked coming to stand beside her, taking the blue spatula from her hands.

“I thought you might have been hungry.”

“A little.”

“Eggs ok? I can make you a sandwich.” Robyn quickly said, worried her simply choice of food wasn’t the right choice for him.

“Eggs are perfect.” Taron nodded as he kept stirring. “No need for sandwich. I will happily eat some eggs and toast, maybe a cup of tea.”

Robyn gave him a little smile. “Let me go and get the t-shirt for you. You watch the eggs.” She held her hand out for the towel he was using to dry his hair and he handed it to her. She then walked away from him and through the laundry room, dropping the towel into the laundry basket, seeing his clothes already in there, making a mental note to pop a wash on for him when they were finished talking. She made her way in through the steamy bathroom and to her wardrobe. Reaching into the cubby hole that held her pyjama tops, she found Taron’s blue t-shirt he had given her mixed in with her other band t-shirts. She carried it back out to the kitchen. “Here ya go.”

“Thank you.” Taron passed the spatula back to her and fluffed the folded blue material out, slipping into it, inhaling the wonderful fresh scent of fabric softener as he pulled his head through. “I literally brought four things with me.”

“Bit of rush to pack this morning then.” She asked him as he smoothed down his t-shirt over his chest.

“Yeah and in a very sleepy haze.” Taron leaned his left hip against the counter.

Robyn pressed the toast down and handed Taron the spatula so he could continue to stir their eggs. “I promise you will sleep well tonight.” She moved to the kettle and lifting it from its perch, filled it at the sink, then clicking it back in place and switching it on.

“As I always do in your bed. Any chance I could put on a wash too?”

“Of course Taron. I saw your stuff in the hamper. You know you don’t have to ask.”

“Great. Thank you.” He let her take over the stirring of the eggs.

“Want me to help you?”

“No thanks. I got it. Want me to put your stuff on too?”

“Please.” She called back to him and he walked to the hamper in the bathroom and gathered up her clothes. Once at the machine, he pushed all of her bits in, his clothes after. He then added the powder and fabric softener, getting the machine going. Robyn had shown him how to use her washing machine before and he was a whizz at it now and once he was sure it was whirling round, made his way back out to Robyn in her kitchen.

“Want some help?” He asked coming to stand beside her again.

“Can you do the toast?”

“Of course.”

It took them five minutes to dish up two plates of hot scrambled eggs and triangles of buttered toast, with a pot of tea for Taron and they sat together at the breakfast bar, both eating in silence, both finishing off all the food in front of them. Robyn wasn’t surprised to see that Taron had cleaned his plate and finished most of the tea in the teapot but more so that she had eaten everything as well. It was the most food she had eaten in two days but now that the food was gone and they moved to wash up, she could feel the guilt and shame filter back into her as she dried the last fork, putting it in its place in the cutlery drawer. She knew Taron needed to have his say, that he definitely deserved to defend himself, but she hated that he had to do it and really wasn’t looking forward to see that horrible sadness in his beautiful eyes again.

As Taron dried his hands, he could see a change in Robyn and that light heartedness that filled the room earlier was gone and they hadn’t spoken a word to each other in the last twenty minutes which wasn’t unusual for them. They had sat in silence together on many occasions but it was so obvious Robyn was once again back in her head and torturing herself.

“Come and sit with me.” He said gently, taking her hand with his left, dropping the tea towel on the sink. He led her to the couch but avoided sitting in the corner, instead sitting near the edge guiding her past him so she sat his right. “Robyn…”

“Taron you don’t…”

“Just let me say one thing.”

“No Taron.” Robyn placed her hand over his mouth, stopping him from talking. “Just no.” She took her hand away from him and waited a few seconds to see if he was going to interrupt her again. When he didn’t, she continued speaking, turning around to face him. “You don’t have to explain it to me and honestly I don’t think I can listen to you tell me again that my selfish actions have hurt you because that is the one thing I never ever want to hear you say again or for me to ever do to you again.” Robyn took a quick breath, trying to keep ready to fall tears at bay. Knowing that she had hurt him, that he admitted to her that she had done so, was something she was never going to forget so easily. “I know you know I am sorry but there shouldn’t have been something for me to be sorry for. It was so easy for me to slip back into my old ways, when I promised you two weeks ago that I wouldn’t do that anymore but old habits are hard to let go of but let me tell you something, I never ever want to see the hurt in your eyes or in your voice again.” Robyn reached for his hands and cupped his two warm hands between hers. “It is not an excuse for what happened but I am still getting used to having someone like you who isn’t my family or friends and you probably figured I don’t tell them everything either.”

“Robyn…” Taron started but stopped when Robyn shook her head at him.

“I just need to you to understand how disappointed I am with myself for hurting you so. I was so caught up in my own misery that I never thought how you needed to know about the training, about how it would affect you too and that is wrong Taron. It is wrong for me to just cut you out, to be so unaware of your feelings and own emotions from the CPR and of all the people around me, you are one I don’t ever want to treat like that.” Robyn rubbed his hands with her two thumbs. “You have been nothing but kind to me and you only deserve to be treated with the same respect you give me and I know my words are probably shit at the moment but I give you my word, when I say I will tell you everything and share with you all these important things you need to know and let me start with assuring you that I have not had one nightmare since London and that’s why you haven’t had a late-night phone call from me. I wasn’t lying when I said it was daily visions but I think now they just might be gone. Before the CPR it was all I could see but once we finished, they vanished. I think it was the anxiety attached to the CPR and when that was done, a serious weight was lifted from my shoulders.” Robyn gave his hands a light squeeze. “But if they come back, I will tell you.” She let go of his hands and sat back on the couch, running her hands through her hair, looking to him, trying to put as much sincerity into her words that she could manage without crumbling on the couch in pity. “I swear Taron, I value and regard you in the highest esteem and I will never forgive myself for how I have behaved and treated you, being silent and not sharing with you and if you want to rant at me some more, I know I deserve it but Jesus Taron I will never ever let you down again or have you leaving work to come and talk to me because I know how important your work is to you and how much this movie means to you and you shouldn’t have to leave to come and chastise me for acting like a child and…”

Robyn found her words cut off as she was pulled into a tight hug, Taron’s two strong arms wrapped around her back tight as he closed the gap between them, turning to face her so he could hug her hard. She melted into him and slid her face in his neck, breathing in that wonderful fresh scent from his clean skin and hair, locking her arms around his back too.

Taron had watched Robyn go into one of her endless speeches and instead of her usual words of encouragement, she was straight into another apology to him and he could see her doing her very best to hold her tears in and keep her voice steady, feeling how hard she was squeezing is hands, not even noticing she was doing so. He knew she was sorry and as he had said to her mam earlier, could see the change in her and had a feeling that finally something had clicked with Robyn and her mindset had finally shifted to where she knew she could and must trust him and he wouldn’t hurt her in return so it was very easy for him to hug her, ending her apology and he hoped the firmness of the hug was enough for her to realise that all was definitely forgiven.

“No more tears, no more apologies.” He said into her shoulder. “I know.”

“Taron, if you…” Robyn began but he stopped her by tightening the hug.

“You have just said everything I wanted to say to you so I am not going to repeat it. It’s been a hard day for both of us and now we put it behind us and move forward and if we really want to go into people leaving work to chastise the other, don’t forgot you skipped a day’s work to come to New York to me. We are even and you and me have been through way too much to let today change us. You know I forgive you and you know you don’t have to apologise any more to me.”

“But Taron we can’t just leave it like this. I hurt you so much.”

“You did and you know this. I am not made of steel and I can feel just as much as you can and I know you didn’t mean too. It was the pressure of the course and taking it all on yourself and not leaning on others for support, leaning on me but I trust that from now on, you will talk to me. I am only a phone call away and a two-hour drive now too and Robyn I really think we are quits on the who has ever made the other person feel worse. Let’s not forget Paris either. Both of us have made mistakes but we are going to move on. I know you are sorry chicken. I am always here for you. That is never going to change. Please just don’t shut me out again.”

Robyn moved her left in circles around his back, while her right trailed up into his hair. “I won’t. I am…”

“Shh…” Taron soothed gently. “I know and it’s done. I don’t want to hear any more talk about it. Been a shit day for both of us and now we are definitely putting it behind us and moving on.” He moved his head to give her cheek a little kiss.

Robyn felt her whole body finally relax and she smiled at his little kiss. “Thank you.”

“Just make me more chocolate cupcakes.”

They both laughed, that light mood returning.

“I will make you whatever you want and hand deliver it every evening to your set if it is what you want.”

Taron moved away from her and back into his place on the couch. “Is that a promise?” He asked with a wide grin.

“Whatever you want rocketman.”

“Cookies.” Taron answered before she even finished speaking. “White chocolate chip cookies.”

Robyn laughed again. “Done.” She sat back into the couch, feeling Taron move closer to her so their shoulders were touching. “I will make some for you to bring back with you.” She turned her head as she saw him nodded happily in agreement to the cookies. The tough conversation wasn’t as tough as she thought it was going to be and all she knew was that she had never met a man like Taron before who was so willing to accept her flaws and give her the best hugs she had ever had.

#Taron Egerton #Taron Egerton Fanfiction #Taron Egerton Fanfic #Taron Fanfic #Love #Friendship #Emotional Healing #Talking #Hard lessons learned #Disucssion #Admittance #Loyalty #Honesty #Truthfulness #Cuddles #Hugs #Robyn and Taron

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lideria · 4 years

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Chaos. | Johnny

➥ request: can I ask for a fluff fic wherein popular johnny and introvert y/n shares a love for photography and bonds over it

➥ pairing: johnny x gender-neutral reader

➥ genre: fluff literally only fluff, college!au bc i miss it

➥ warnings: none other than a few swear words i think? as always, there might be errors because english is my second language!

➥ word count: 3.3k

➥ summary: it’s awkward all around, but somehow you get a friend and a model out of an encounter.

➥ author’s note: this is so late and so bad, i’m sorry. i literally struggled with this so unnecessarily much and i don’t even know why exactly, because this is such an interesting concept. please excuse my bad writing in this and my lack of knowledge in photography, i have done some research but i know it probably isn’t enough. i hope the anon is still around and sees it! have a great time lovelies, and i hope you enjoy this little.. chaos heheh 💕 (i hate it here i do)

“Hey, can I talk to you for a second?”

The room was scorching hot, and you were just trying to leave.

The club’s meeting had started around three hours ago for the last meeting before the big competition. One that was international and people had taken their sweet time getting ready for; a few months of preparation to potentially take the photograph that would grant them money, a lot of press, an opportunity to photograph the cover of a photography magazine and overall pride. Members had been taking about possibly restarting commission work and whether the club should do commission work as a society, free of the school, so that they could have a chance at getting better coverage from local blogs and newspapers, and requiring better payment for their work.

Nothing about the competition, really. Everyone was talented, and everyone was confident. They did not make a big deal out of it. Sure, they had been preparing for months on end as well and they had taken countless potential shots that would end up in the competition— but at this point they had long selected the one.

So when Johnny, the club president (who everyone on this campus that is home to thousands of students knows and has conversed with one way or another) stops you instead of them, the ones who could actually use words of encouragement and what not, it feels kind of weird. You stop before you can go out anyway, instead of pretending not to hear him. “Uh, sure. What about?”

Johnny makes eye contact with you when you turn around, and smiles apologetically before lifting a finger up signaling one second, and moves to close the door. He starts talking before he can come back to his place in front of you, where he had ben leaning against a desk. “I was looking over the last submissions for the competition and I couldn’t see your name,” And he is back, leaning against the desk again with his hands on either side, and a straight face. “You really won’t participate?”

Oh, so he had noticed. You thought nobody would, because you thought it probably would not matter if anyone decided not to take part in it. It would be a weird move to do so, yes, but considering free will and everything it was not undoable. “Ah, it’s just,” You shrug. “I don’t have a camera right now? It outlived its lifetime, and a couple months ago it thought it would be the right time to say farewell.”

He looks at you, crosses his arms on his chest, and furrows his eyebrows a little before lifting one up. “You could’ve just asked someone for a camera.”

“Yeah, except I couldn’t.” You chuckle, which prompts Johnny to look at you more questioningly than anything. So you explain yourself. “I didn’t want to be an inconvenience to anyone— plus, I don’t think most people would want to help a rival.”

“Well that’s just jumping to conclusions.” Despite how his words sound, he smiles. “You could borrow my camera if you’d like.”

“Johnny, there’s like a week before submissions start. I don’t even know if you have the equipments I need, or if the weather’s in my favor.” Upon your words he laughs slightly. “I know for a fact you’ve seen my astrophotography. You were looking at them last semester in the gallery,”

He then nods, just once, reassuringly. “Just look at the forecast. I wouldn’t mind.”

That had been the end point, really.

You went ahead and protested further saying you did not even know if what you wanted to appear on the photos were aligned and visible anytime soon, but Johnny had protested back saying you could just find something else to photograph; just take his camera and do something with it. When you asked him why he only told you that he liked your photography and somewhat and somehow related to it— which was a little mind boggling, considering you were not friends. Only acquaintances, and he could still compliment you and tell you something somewhat vulnerable looking into your eyes just like that and wholeheartedly, coming from his chest.

It got you thinking: maybe that was why everyone seemed to like him. He just meant things he said, and he did not really hold himself back from saying things.

He lets you use his computer to check the alignments and the forecast and the cloud formations for the upcoming days and surely enough, the day after the next the sky would be something you could work with. Not ideal, but better than nothing. “Where do you want to shoot the thing?” He asks over your shoulder, perhaps a bit too into your personal space than you are used to with an acquaintance, but it does not feel weird somehow. Probably because you know that he is not a creep that is peeping over your shoulder.

“You know the little beach at the lake?” He nods. “There.”

“Okay.” You close shut his laptop, and get ready to hand it to him, but he stops you midway. “Where do we meet?”

Wait. “We meet?”

That makes him chuckle. “Unless you want to shoot the sky in the dark all by yourself.”

In all honesty, that is what you usually do. Is it fun to do? Definitely not, because the quiet of the dark can get incredibly boring especially when you are not really seeing what you are shooting. The Milky Way was so hard to spot— it would take at least half an hour of your eyes adjusting to the dark before you could see any of it, and even then it would just be a mess of dark purple, blotchy gas with stars sprinkling over. Without any exposure and brightness it was not the most exciting thing, although it still held its magic to it.

The planets were, yes, definitely more visible than the Milky Way could ever be but again: they basically just bigger stars without proper effects. And considering the shoot usually went as setting the camera up somewhere, turning on all the necessary settings and toying with them until the view looked right enough, and leaving it for hours on end by itself and only getting up and taking stills a few times throughout the said hours; looking at and sitting under the night sky with naked eyes all alone proved to be very boring at times.

“Just give me your phone number.”

What you actually end up settling for is meeting at the lake because you realize you are living much farther from each other, at least compared to what you would have expected. You have to use different buses to be able to meet, and unless there were campers on his bus, he was also one of the only people that would take the bus to the lake at the dead of the night. Dead of the night being literally 2 AM in the morning.

When he arrives you are already there sitting on the sad excuse of what must be sand but is more of a weird mush, looking at your phone, checking the forecast last minute to make sure everything would be as what you expected throughout the night. The beach was fairly small and you were the only one there, except for the couple of abandoned beer bottles that had not been thrown away in the trash most likely out of laziness and lack of respect for the environment.

Johnny sets the camera bag down next to you before he drops down as well, setting his other bag next to him. “Hello there,” He greets you, and you mumble a greeting in return. “Getting here was so hard, why don’t you shoot at the hike trails? There’s a clearer view of the sky.”

“Mm, light pollution’s worse there. I can’t deal with that.” You still mumble and shake your head slightly, biting at your hangnail as you look at your phone. Johnny does not like that, the fact that you will not look at him and that biting a hangnail is often a nervous thing for a lot of people— it nerved him, made him think he is somehow unapproachable even though that is the last thing he would want to seem as. “Let’s set up the camera?” He suggests in hopes that it will get you moving or looking at him.

Which it does, because you lock your phone and look at him. It is a bit hard to see you in the dark, but he does not mind. “Thank you for letting me use your camera, Johnny.”

It is not what he expects. But he takes it as the reason of your seemingly nervous antic. “I forgot to thank you for it before, so.”

A smile plants itself on his face before he can even realize it. “It’s no problem. Now, come on.”

Johnny helps with setting the camera up, letting you fiddle with the lenses and the lights while he deals with the tripod and the height. He lets you walk around with the camera in your hands and waits for you to find a reasonable place where the sky can come out good and the environments can enhance the shot, and it happens to be a few feet away from where you were first sitting. He secures the tripod right then and there, and watches you deal with the settings for a good few minutes before he can catch somewhat of a smile.

Though, he knows that it will take a lot more than just a few minutes to find your ideal settings, and it does. You fiddle with the buttons and the settings, take a few test stills, go back and middle some more, bend your back and stretch since you are leaning down the whole time and it is hurting your hips a little, take a few more stills and… It takes a lot of time before you can actually start your time-lapse. Throughout all of it, he waits for you in silence.

And when you are done, he smiles at you. “All done?”

“Yeah,” The relief is both audible and visible as you breathe out. “There’s Saturn and Jupiter tonight, looks super nice. I just hope I can get good stills out of this.”

“I’m sure you’ll be able to.” He clears his throat before continuing with his words. “I brought a few snacks, if you’d like some.”

You look out at the lake a little and frown at how it is wavering a bit, presumably because it would make it harder to take stills later. He hears you huff for a short second. “Sure.”

He does not necessarily like the way your voice sounds when you are supposed to be agreeing to his suggestion, but you walk around the camera and go sit down with him next to his bag anyway. Johnny takes the snacks out only hoping you would like what he has, and takes some napkins out, thinking you would need them if anything melts in your hand and everything gets a bit sticky.

An idea strikes him then, something he had learned from his friends way back in high school when he was in yet another photography club. After handing you the snacks and a napkin, he holds out the pack of napkins again. “Take another one.”

“What for?” He shrugs and pushes his hand further to emphasize. “Just take one.”

You do, and do not think much of it because you turn to your bag and take a thermos out, taking the cap off and filling it with the liquid inside. The grey trail of steam and scent makes its way to his nose; it is coffee.

Johnny just about becomes friends with you when you hold the cap out to him. “Thought we could use this to stay awake.”

“This is a saving grace,” He chuckles, and does not hesitate to take a sip. A dark and heavy brew, the way he loves it. “Thank you. Now, do me a favor and tear one of the napkins up.”

You chuckle a bit as you take your own sip, which results in you choking up a little. “What, why?”

But Johnny does not answer that question of yours. It prompts an awkward silence, both of you sipping your coffees once more. It proves to be unbearable, though, so you end up doing what he asks of you. Even though it sounds extremely weird.

When you are done with tearing the napkin up, there are dozens of unusable pieces in your hand and it feels somewhat dusty. “What am I supposed to do now?”

He looks at your hand for a brief moment, and lets out a laugh that sounds like a puff because of the way it is stuck between his lips. His shoulders shake, although not violently. “Well,” He starts. “You’re supposed to say a truth for every piece you have, it’s kind of a game.”

Your face must have morphed into such a shocked and taken aback mimic that Johnny actually bursts into laughter this time. “I’m not telling you this many truths, the hell?” Because, in all honesty, you do not think you ever told anyone that many truths in a game before. All of the truth-and-dares combined.

Johnny does not care about that a whole lot though, so he just shrugs. “Better start telling me. You can just stop when you get bored with it, I guess.”

With a huff, you start.

At first it is just you admitting doing sets of embarrassing things in your childhood and teenage years, how you wasted two semesters in the debate club dreading absolutely every competition and club meeting since you are more of an introvert, how you are most definitely going to fall a couple of classes but it is okay since you had taken extra credits last academic year, how although loving photography you do not want to do it for a living, how the coolest thing about it would be you starting a blog that thousand of people would follow— just for your astrophotography.

After that point it turns into a mutual conversation about photography. You tell him how astrophotography never fails to be amazing even though the things in the sky never change, and how every time you take a shot it will look just like the others but so much more different which is what pulls you into it when he asks you why you do it in the first place. Johnny also asks you if you should be doing a simple sky shoot for such a competition, and you answer saying you are not really aiming for first place already; you know for a fact that while looking at the submissions, people will stop scrolling the website just to look at your shot and that is what matters. Because they will find it so interesting, even though it will be just like any other night sky shot they have seen before, and it will be so interesting because it will be something far from what they can see with their naked eyes. They will try to memorize everything about that photo before moving onto the others.

And that is what matters to you. The fact that they will pay attention means much more to you than getting first place.

He, although jokingly, calls you a true artist. It somehow feels true to you.

Then, you proceed to compliment Johnny on his astrophotography, because some of his shots are in your all time favorites. There is a way in how he lets the light spill in his shots, how he links the city and the sky together that you respect so much, and you really wonder if it is all camerawork or also a tonne of editing. “It’s mostly camerawork,” He says with a smile on his face. “I can teach you someday if you want me to.”

You take up on his offer, of course, because you can grow with every bit of knowledge— plus he was fun to be around. The conversation just seemed to flow.

The conversation seemed to flow so fluently, in fact, that you almost did not realize that the lake water was about to drag the tripod away and tumble it down if it was not for the waves hitting your shoes after the wind picked up.

Both of you made a run for the set-up, but one of you were not all that lucky to be able to make it.

Johnny slips when he runs and falls backwards on the mushy, weird mix between dirt and sand, sending you into a hysteric laughter as you hold the camera. The laughter doubles you over probably because of your sleepiness (no, the silhouette as he fell in his clumsy moment was too funny to not howl over it), but you make it a point to ask in proper etiquette. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” He stands up, laughing just as much himself. “But I’m muddy all over.”

“Just go in the water.” At that he looks at you as if you are crazy, so you argue further. “You can either be wet, or muddy. It’s up to you.”

Johnny runs into the water and properly dips in this time, sending the two of you back into your fits of laughter.

Considering lake mud is the worst type you can get stuck on your clothes, you think he does the right thing. While he cleans up, you take some more stills— not caring too much when he walks into the frame at some point while making his way back to his bag.

Well. You actually take rapid photos of him at some point because you get a potentially great idea, but you would never admit to doing that. He would learn about it if it worked your way anyway.

You wait for him to squeeze his clothes so as much of the excess water is out as possible, and do him a favor and take the set-up down all by yourself, taking the memory card and putting it into your wallet as well. The footage is way shorter than how they usually are for you, but considering it is nearing five o’clock in the morning and Johnny would be freezing if he stayed more, you decide it is whatever. Any still would do the job according to your policy.

What really proves to be hard, though, is finding a taxi for Johnny. There are at least a few of them that pass by before you can convince one to take in your ‘drunk’ friend, telling them the address Johnny had told you for the second time after deciding on this little plan for him to be able to go home. Unlike him, taking the bus back is much easier for you especially after the sky ever so slightly starts lighting up, giving you the prettiest view to watch with your headphones blasting music, craving sleep.

Both of you do not really hear from each other until the next week, with you being too busy editing the still you had chosen trying to get it to be splendid, and him simply too busy with seminars and classes and the last bit of feedback he is giving on people’s submissions. You can only text some nights, but that is about it.

That is, until he calls you less than five minutes after you send him your submission. “Why this?”

You look at the laptop in front of you and the still you have just sent him— the silhouette of Johnny and his hair being flicked, sending droplets of water everywhere; because of his tall stature perfectly on and in between the stars, capturing the purple of the sky and the silver and red and green lights of the stars, and some of them just shine like how water does. Saturn and Jupiter are at the tip of his nose, and somehow his silhouette emphasizes them. Again, somehow in this weird state of him just walking away from the frame and the weird state of his arms and overall body, everything looks merged well together.

Chaos above in the sky, and chaos just down on the ground. “Well it’s pretty, isn’t it?”

#nct-writers #nct imagines #nct scenarios #johnny #will it post i am NOT hopeful anyway this sucks bye

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adriennemareebrown · 4 years

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dear readers,

my last blog was one of the longest things i’ve ever written as a single piece, and one of my most read blog pieces. it’s also the most controversial thing i’ve written, and i’ve spent the last couple of weeks swimming in the light and shadow of it.

when i was writing it, i felt clear about the distinctions i wanted to make, the invitation i wanted to make to movement:

can we hold each other as the systems that weaken and distort our humanity crumble? can we release our binary ways of thinking of good and bad in order to collectively grow from mistakes? can we be abolitionist with each other? can we be principled and discerning in movement conflict?

i had people i trust read it beforehand, and when i pressed ‘publish’ i felt scared of what might come, but also faithful…that every word was the most accurate one i know for the feeling i was trying to express, that people would understand my intentions.

the initial waves of feedback, and the overwhelming majority of feedback, has been gratitude and affirmation. i have received so many messages and testimonials from sectors of movement that feel seen in the piece and saddened by the quickness with which we turn against each other, troubled by our apparent collective excitement when we attack each other. the feedback was from long-term organizers, people who identify as survivors, and as those have caused harm, and as both, as neither. some of it was public, and some of it was texts from comrades i hadn’t heard from in a while. i exhaled – what i felt was not just in my head or an isolated crew. my publisher said, let’s get this in print! i felt on purpose thinking of a little book that gives us more options, more patience, more kindness and space for healing together.

but then a second wave of feedback came. from other survivors. and as i listened i felt defensive (did you read the whole piece?), dismissed (don’t you know i am an abolitionist survivor? don’t you know how much abuse intervention i have been a part of?), hurt (why are you coming at me like this?) and, finally, curious: what am i not seeing? not hearing? what do i not know? what can i learn?

i asked more people for feedback, and have had conversations, emails, text threads. i have learned a lot more about some things i thought i knew, heard a lot of tea that people assumed i already knew because my name is reaching further than i can track, learned that so many more people are struggling with call outs in this moment than i had any idea about, and some of them felt helped by my writing, while others felt offended. i have learned how in certain communities the piece exacerbated existing tensions i wasn’t fully aware of. i got clearer on what parts were triggers for people, what parts are political disagreement, and what parts are both. i feel honed in on what is within my expertise, and reaffirmed that celebrity activism is not my jam.

here are some things i am learning:

– i need to be much clearer in my distinctions between harm and abuse. as someone who has experienced both, i was reminded of how important it was to me that my abuse be acknowledged as what it was, not reframed into a lesser impact. how important it was that i be allowed total boundaries, space for rage, space for healing, how much i needed assurance that it wasn’t my fault, and that making sure those who abused and/or harmed me got their healing together wasn’t my job. but as i have moved away from that period of my own life, i have gotten comfortable with the catch-all language of harm and harm doers, which blurs the danger and impact. part of my critique of the way call outs are being used is that not liking someone, social media offenses, power misuse in work settings, movement conflict and sexual assault are all getting the same level of public response. but even in that critique, i collapsed all these distinct experiences into one word, harm. i am sorry for the pain and erasure i know that caused to other survivors.

– i will make better use of content and trigger warnings.

– i explored my argument with language that felt precise to me, and within my right to use as a Black witch. it is also language that has been weaponized against communities i love, and i am earnestly looking for other metaphors to work with.

– i don’t know how we get from here to there. i don’t know if we have what it takes right now to support survivors while also holding an abolitionist lens, and it isn’t fair on my part not to make that apparent gap clear. those who are expert in holding domestic violence, intimate partner violence, rape support and other skilled areas will have to lead in that realm of abolition, in part by pointing all of us towards the skills we need to develop in order to actually take on community accountability. the hopeful news is that we have the teachers…but will we prioritize learning? and how do we not drop long haul survivor support along the way?

– i do believe, deeply, in the power of mediation in instances of conflict and harm, within movements, and including interpersonal conflict and harm. i believe it works because i have held it, and i have seen movements benefit from having people experience principled struggle with each other, set necessary boundaries, request and receive authentic and adequate apologies, and continue to be committed to something larger than themselves.

– i have to be very intentional as i gain more followers. while i did not seek fame or ask for any pedestals, i can’t deny that more people are taking my words seriously. and that is a privilege. i am not taking down the piece because i think more can be learned from keeping it up and being transparent in what i am learning. i do commit to not putting it in print without adaptations that reflect my learning. i see all of this as a larger process of exploring abolition as an emergent strategy, and i am not alone in that exploration.

– i will respect my own depth and complexity and that of my readers by not engaging this conversation on social media. some learning needs to be face to face, heart to heart, or at minimum thoroughly expressed. i am excited for the conversations i am in as a result of the piece, and i feel so much possibility on the horizon around how we turn and face the harm and abuse rampant in our movement communities, learn to be in the complex work of abolition and survival, and actually transform the systems that hurt us into systems that hold us and allow us to heal.

learning in public, amb

#IFTTT #WordPress

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theonyxpath · 4 years

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So, yes, it’s Labor Day here in the US, a national holiday. Many companies would therefore give today off to their employees, but since every day is a holiday here at Onyx Path, we had our usual Monday Meeting today, and work continues apace.

Of course, the second part of our MMN Blog title today comes from the fact that the Scion: Demigod 2e Kickstarter has been just crashing through the Stretch Goals after funding in 75 minutes! We’re all really thrilled and grateful to all of our backers for showing such fantastic support!

Putting the two together, I thought that a change of pace today that showed how some labor was done to create the elements for Scion: Demigod might be appropriate. And since I did some of that labor, I figure it’s on me to step up today and delve into the creation process for one of our latest Scion pantheon symbols.

This one is for the Apu, the Incan pantheon.

It’s usually after the writing is pretty well finalized, but not necessarily developed, that I’ll ask the project developer for notes on whichever part of the project needs a symbol. In the case of Scion, our writing and dev teams do such a deep dive into the pantheons that I could get overwhelmed just reading through the text, so in addition to letting me read that, I also ask for any ideas they might have for symbols and elements appropriate to the pantheon.

Sometimes I get easily usable ideas, and other times the needs of a visual project mean that I have to dig a bit deeper myself. In the case of the Apu, my notes scrawled on my note pad included: “golden sun disc (with link)”, “stepped pyramid”, “stone and gold”, “order/stability”, “Cusco”, “black and white llamas”.

I was good to go with the golden sun disc, and checked to see if any of the previous Scion symbols I designed went down that same visual direction. None did, so using that big hit of gold as the centerpiece became the start for the symbol. I originally considered using the foliage motif similar to what I did for the Aztec pantheon symbol as a background and surrounding next for the gold disc, but that did seem too close to other symbols and for me it just didn’t feel Incan enough.

Which is a big part of what makes these Scion symbols work, they have to feel appropriate to the pantheon. Which means we’re in the realm of the subjective, as what feels right to me may not feel right to you. But that’s the chance you take, because these are Scion symbols and they have to touch us, mean something to us, at least a bit, or we’re missing the point of the setting/game. All the raw data in the world about what should be included doesn’t help if most people aren’t connecting with that symbol.

That led me to hit the books. Yes, actual books. If I know what I want, finding 1500 images that I can use as reference for that thing is a snap with a Google search, but if I’m still looking for visuals that connect with me, then online searching just doesn’t work for me as well as paging through books about a culture. I don’t know what’s on the next page, which is the point.

One of the things I picked up on, was how striking the textiles still are in areas we’d consider Incan. Which started a whole different idea about how the color could and should work for this symbol. Bird feathers as decoration, and returning to one of the writer’s suggestions, the Incan knotted rope language called quipu. I had wanted to use it but didn’t have a way to keep the ropes and knots legible in the symbol, but with a bright textile background holding everything together, I could bring the quipu back into play.

Here’s my rough ideas page, the Apu symbol at top right representing the first pass, and the one lower left coming after I did more research:

From the rough sketch, where I’m looking at what elements can be arranged in what pattern, and where I’m thinking about but not putting down the color yet, I’ll draw out the various elements on bristol board in ink – usually with technical pens rather than anything that would give a varying line. We just need an even line.

A lot of time, if I know I want an image the same on both sides, or top and bottom, then I’ll just draw the one side and copy/flip/combine in Photoshop after scanning. The knotted ropes are on a separate page, as they required the whole sheet so I could draw them with enough detail.

Like I mentioned, these drawings get scanned in, and are really used as raw materials to copy and paste from when I start to make the whole symbol in Photoshop. Each element in the design gets its own layer, and that layer is set to Multiply in the layer menu. That way, the darkest lines stay dark, but anything in a layer “under” our line art shows through. This will become clearer when you see how the color goes in, but here’s just the line art all piled on top of each other:

At this point, it’s time to get color in there, and in this specific symbol, it’s also time to get the patterning into the Incan textile. Some of the colors only show up when the overall color is on there, so don’t worry if it seems like some of the symbols aren’t there. They are on layers that I did different layer types, like Multiply from before:

I also used the same colors for the fringe along the bottom and just drew those in loosely knowing the overall color would fall in between the other colors. Each instance of the bird symbol is on its own layer so that I could play around with size, position, layer effects, and color. I was going more for energy with the positioning and a certain lack of perfect positioning to replicate the hand-crafted nature of the textile.

Next, here it is with the red overall color. I spent a lot of time playing with the color controls to get the red I wanted, and then tweaked almost all of the little bird symbols to have their colors work with the red:

While some of the birds are now showing up, you can see a few blank spots in there. Don’t worry, those won’t show up once the other item layers get colored in.

This was good, but the thing was, it didn’t feel like fabric to me. And that’s what I wanted to really play up – the texture of the textile! I could have scanned in a cloth texture, or found one online, but in this case I went with combining layer effects and filters. I’d tell you what I did if I could remember, but here’s what it looked like without the red layer behind it:

I’m going to jump ahead here, and give you a step by step look at the big gold disk as it’s layers are painted in, but just assume that whatever I tell you about the disk, I already did in sort of the same sequence for the knotted ropes and the feathered headdress. I also started thickening the line stroke around objects to give them more heft and set them visually into the whole symbol. More on that later.

So here’s the first color for the disk, a dark golden brown:

Here’s where it really gets fun and painterly. The next layer is just yellow, with the Photoshop brush set on soft-round and at something like 25% transparency. With the lines already setting up the shapes, I just zoomed in and put yellow in keeping the brightest areas towards where the light was supposed to be hitting the disk (more from below than the traditional light from above):

Looking at it at this point, it didn’t pop enough. So I copied the yellow layer and set it to Multiply or the like and the doubled up yellow hit what I was looking for. It didn’t show up much when I was putting these sequential layer graphics together, but it’s that sort of subtle coloring that gives it the 3D look we need:

And here goes the last highlight on the gold, which was a lot closer to white to really get a bit of sparkle, plus I also created a shadow effect in two layers so that the disk would feel more like it is on top of the other elements. We want that gold disk to be the big popping thing from this graphic, and it needs to be strong to outshine the colors of the textile:

You can also see that I made the outer edge line much thicker than the others inside the symbol, so we’d have a strong edge to it so it could stand out on the page like the previous Scion symbols. Although, to be faaaair, I did reduce that thickness where the knotted ropes break out of the bottom. The ropes were being engulfed by the outline visually, plus, there’s a whole “language will be free” sort of thing going on there.

Hope you enjoyed this little look at the labor (or labour, as Matthew, James, and Ian would say) behind one of these pieces. It really is a labor of love, though, and it is so great when folks really respond to them.

Because this blog was so art heavy, here are your usual pieces of art from upcoming projects all together at the end!

V5 Let the Streets Run Red art by Sam Araya

Terra Firma art by Gregor Pedrycz

Hope you don’t mind the extra art here, but they really do illustrate our

Many Worlds, One Path!

Blurbs!

Kickstarter!

Scion Demigod Second Edition funded last week in 75 minutes and is headed strongly to 300% funding, having blown through all sorts of Stretch Goals! Check it out if you haven’t already:

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/200664283/scion-demigod-book-3-for-the-scion-second-edition-rpg

Onyx Path Media!

This week: The Titanically Talented Trio of Terrible Terrificness discuss Stumbles, Errors, and How To Avoid Them! They’ll be looking at all sorts of fumbles and bumbles they and others have made while putting together game books!

As always, this Friday’s Onyx Pathcast will be on Podbean or your favorite podcast venue! https://onyxpathcast.podbean.com/

The Story Told RPG Podcast gets top billing this week due to their excellent, in-depth interview with developer Neall Raemonn Price regarding the currently on Kickstarter Scion: Demigod! Check it out and learn some of the ins and outs of Scion: https://thestorytold.libsyn.com/episode-61-scion-demigod-interview-with-neall-price

We’ve got lots of Scion: Demigod actual plays coming in the next few weeks, with the first starting this week by Vorpal Tales! Keep watching this section for more Scion: Demigod games!

For anyone new to our media section, you can find us running and playing games over on twitch.tv/theonyxpath pretty much every day of the week! Plus, if you’d like your games hosted there, just get in touch with Matthew Dawkins using the contact link on matthewdawkins.com.

Please give our Twitch channel a follow, as you can find a huge number of videos of all kinds of games being run!

This week on Twitch, expect to see these games and streams running:

Scarred Lands – A Family Affair

Technocracy Reloaded – Vorpal Tales

Scion: Demigod – Vorpal Tales

Danielle’s RPG Development Workshop

Hunter: The Vigil – Cold Cases Forsaken Spaces

Changeling: The Dreaming – The Last Faerie Tale

Mage: The Awakening – Occultists Anonymous

Vampire: The Masquerade – Boston by Night

Chronicles of Darkness – Tooth and Claw

Deviant: The Renegades – A Cautionary Tale

Get watching for some fantastic insight into how to run these wonderful games and subscribe to us on Twitch, over at twitch.tv/theonyxpath

Come take a look at our YouTube channel, youtube.com/user/theonyxpath, where you can find a whole load of videos of actual plays, dissections of our games, and more, including:

Changeling: The Dreaming – The Last Faerie Tale – E11 – https://youtu.be/Vxqy6JgB9wk

Scarred Lands – Surprise Meatgrinder! – https://youtu.be/iqiIEsvIslE

Scarred Lands – Purge of the Serpentholds – S1E14 – https://youtu.be/Ie-rITGhaAs

Hunter: The Vigil – Uptown Shadows Episode 4 – https://youtu.be/2qdLBpMu0lE

Realms of Pugmire – Paws and Claws S2E14 – https://youtu.be/ZcSdsNK-VI0

Subscribe to our channel and click the bell icon if you want to be notified whenever new news videos and uploads come online!

Tom Murr continues with his amazing They Came from Beneath the Sea! audio drama over on his YouTube channel!

Radio ReScience Episode 2: Military Entanglement, can be found right here: https://youtu.be/qiTprIriV7Y

And Episode 3: Spycraft is here: https://youtu.be/qqS5rM3GA5A

Systematic Understanding of Everything is a new Exalted Explainer Podcast by Exalted Dev Monica Speca and Exalted Writer Chazz Kellner that is breaking down Creation in 45 minute chunks in preparation for Exalted Essence.

Their most recent episodes are available over on https://www.exaltcast.com/, with their newest covering the stunning terrifying Abyssals!

The Story Told Podcast continues their Fall of Jiara Exalted chronicle, and you can find their newest episode right here: https://thestorytold.libsyn.com/fall-of-jiara-25

Our good friend The Primogen concluded his Changeling: The Lost actual play a couple of months ago, and has kindly assembled a useful playlist of every single episode. Go give his excellent tale, Littlebrook Reunion, a watch: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2GEMzqGEGIg6pT79zt-FyFYoPjzn8YM5

GMS Magazine produced a review of Dystopia Rising: Evolution over on their channel! https://youtu.be/Q0Ih1KkUhS0

Here’s a blast from the past: last year, Tabletop Spotlight reviewed Monarchies of Mau for us. If you’re interested in some in-depth views of this corner of the Realms of Pugmire, please give their video a watch: https://youtu.be/gV48x2eQMU4

Vorpal Tales assembled their playlist of They Came from Beyond the Grave! actual play episodes as well, and you can find all six of the episodes of this series right here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL9fUj4KdqE4BTnVZv9pZUkSk7GpwnyKXG

Please check these out and let us know if you find or produce any actual plays of our games! We’d love to feature you!

Electronic Gaming!

As we find ways to enable our community to more easily play our games, the Onyx Dice Rolling App is live! Our dev team has been doing updates since we launched based on the excellent use-case comments by our community, and this thing is awesome! (Seriously, you need to roll 100 dice for Exalted? This app has you covered.)

We’re told that the App Dev is currently creating an updated version for the latest devices, so keep an eye open for those!

Virtual TableTop!

Introducing a Virtual Tabletop adventure: the Gauntlet of Spiragos for Scarred Lands on Astral TableTop!

Scars of the Divine War, which ended less than 200 years ago, have still not healed. One such scar is the Chasm of Flies, a rent in the earth created when the titan Spiragos the Ambusher was smote down by one of the young gods, Vangal the Ravager. Now, the Chasm is inhabited by spider-eye goblins and their spider allies, but it is also thought to be the resting place of powerful artifacts from that elder age.

Gauntlet of Spiragos is a Scarred Lands adventure designed for 1st level characters, although it can be easily modified for characters of up to 5th level.

Astral TableTop is the easiest way to play any tabletop RPG online, free. Astral already supports popular systems like D&D and Pathfinder, and Astral can support virtually any tabletop roleplaying game. Get started quickly with built-in support for most popular game systems. Whether you’re brand new to TTRPGs or a veteran tabletop gamer, Astral‘s ease-of-use and built in automation is designed to streamline gameplay.

Astral is browser-based and uses the latest technology to streamline your storytelling experience. Connect with your party online and run your campaigns however you like. Astral offers tools optimized for phone, tablet, and desktop devices, no installation required.

Build epic battlemaps using Astral‘s enormous collection of scenery, props, and tokens or upload your own. Pro users gain access to over 12,000+ assets and fresh new packs every month. Add weather, visual effects, triggers, and so much more with easy-to-use tools

Build your own adventure, or choose from pre-generated game kits like Gauntlet of Spiragos. Create character sheets, craft maps, or just jump right in to connect with your friends and start your adventures!

On Amazon and Barnes & Noble!

You can now read our fiction from the comfort and convenience of your Kindle (from Amazon) and Nook (from Barnes & Noble).

If you enjoy these or any other of our books, please help us by writing reviews on the site of the sales venue from which you bought it. Reviews really, really help us get folks interested in our amazing fiction!

Our selection includes these latest fiction books:

Our Sales Partners!

We’re working with Studio2 to provide our traditionally printed books out into your local game stores. Game stores can order via their usual distributors, and can also contact Studio2 directly. And individuals can check out our projects via the links below!

You can pick up the traditionally printed Pugmire and Monarchies of Mau main books, screens, and the official dice through our friends there! https://studio2publishing.com/search?q=pugmire

Now, we’ve added Chronicles of Darkness books such as Changeling: The Lost Second Edition products to Studio2‘s store! See them here: https://studio2publishing.com/collections/all-products/changeling-the-lost

Scion 2e books and other products are available now at Studio2: https://studio2publishing.com/blogs/new-releases/scion-second-edition-book-one-origin-now-available-at-your-local-retailer-or-online

Our Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition books are also available from Studio2 in the US: https://studio2publishing.com/products/vampire-the-masquerade-chicago-by-night-sourcebook

Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Try this link! http://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/Onyx-Path-Publishing/

And you can order Pugmire, Monarchies of Mau, Cavaliers of Mars, and Changeling: The Lost 2e at the same link! And now Scion Origin and Scion Hero and Trinity Continuum Core and Trinity Continuum: Aeon are available to order

As always, you can find Onyx Path’s titles at DriveThruRPG.com!

On Sale This Week!

This Wednesday, the PDF and physical card PoD versions of three decks of magic Items for use in Scarred Lands go on sale on DTRPG!

Conventions!

Though dates for physical conventions are subject to change due to the current COVID-19 outbreak, here’s what’s left of our current list of upcoming conventions (and really, we’re just waiting for this last one to be cancelled even though it’s Nov/Dec). Instead, keep an eye out here for more virtual conventions we’re going to be involved with:

PAX Unplugged: https://unplugged.paxsite.com/

We’re still waiting on word for this one, as a TTRPG publisher we weren’t included in the companies contacted for PAX‘s virtual con replacing their usual electronic gaming con(s).

And now, the new project status updates!

Development Status from Eddy Webb! (Projects in bold have changed status since last week.):

First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep.)

Exalted Essay Collection (Exalted)

The Devoted Companion (Deviant: The Renegades)

Prometheus Unbound (was Psi Orders) (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

No Gods, No Masters (Scion 2nd Edition)

Scion Fiction Anthology (Scion 2nd Edition)

TC: Aeon Novella: Dawn (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

TC: Aeon Novella: Meridian (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Legacies of Earth (Legendlore)

Redlines

Dragon-Blooded Novella #2 (Exalted 3rd Edition)

CtL 2e Novella Collection: Hollow Courts (Changeling: The Lost 2e)

Squeaks In The Deep (Realms of Pugmire)

Trinity Continuum: Anima

Second Draft

Many-Faced Strangers – Lunars Companion (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Hundred Devil’s Night Parade (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Novas Worldwide (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Exalted Essence Edition (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Saints and Monsters (Scion 2nd Edition)

M20 Technocracy Operative’s Dossier (Mage: The Ascension 20th Anniversary)

Wild Hunt (Scion 2nd Edition)

Adversaries of the Righteous (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Development

TC: Aberrant Reference Screen (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Across the Eight Directions (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Contagion Chronicle: Global Outbreaks (Chronicles of Darkness)

Exigents (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Assassins (Trinity Continuum Core)

Kith and Kin (Changeling: The Lost 2e)

V5 Forbidden Religions (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Trinity Continuum: Adventure! core (Trinity Continuum: Adventure!)

M20 Rich Bastard’s Guide To Magick (Mage: The Ascension 20th Anniversary)

Manuscript Approval

Crucible of Legends (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Dystopia Rising: Evolution Fiction Anthology (Dystopia Rising: Evolution)

Contagion Chronicle Ready-Made Characters (Chronicles of Darkness)

The Clades Companion (Deviant: The Renegades)

V5 Children of the Blood (was The Faithful Undead) (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Post-Approval Development

M20 Victorian Mage (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

Mission Statements (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Editing

Lunars Novella (Rosenberg) (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition core rulebook (Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition)

Player’s Guide to the Contagion Chronicle (Chronicles of Darkness)

TC: Aberrant Jumpstart (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

LARP Rules (Scion 2nd Edition)

The Book of Lasting Death (Mummy: The Curse 2e)

Scion: Dragon (Scion 2nd Edition)

Scion: Demigod (Scion 2nd Edition)

Dearly Bleak – Novella (Deviant: The Renegades)

N!ternational Wrestling Entertainment (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Under Alien Skies (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Dead Man’s Rust (Scarred Lands)

V5 Trails of Ash and Bone (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Post-Editing Development

W20 Shattered Dreams Gift Cards (Werewolf: The Apocalypse 20th)

Cults of the Blood Gods (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Hunter: The Vigil 2e core (Hunter: The Vigil 2nd Edition)

Trinity Continuum: Aberrant core (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Deviant: The Renegades (Deviant: The Renegades)

Legendlore core book (Legendlore)

One Foot in the Grave Jumpstart (Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2e)

Masks of the Mythos (Scion 2nd Edition)

They Came From Beyond the Grave! (They Came From!)

Heirs to the Shogunate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Indexing

Art Direction from Mike Chaney!

In Art Direction

Tales of Aquatic Terror – AD’d.

WoD Ghost Hunters (KS) – KS page to Paradox for approval.

Hunter: The Vigil 2e

Mummy 2

Deviant – AD’d.

Legendlore

Technocracy Reloaded – AD’d.

Cults of the Blood God – Artists chugging along.

Scion: Dragon (KS)

Masks of the Mythos (KS) – Fulls recontracted.

Scion: Demigod (KS)

They Came From Beyond the Grave! (KS)

TC: Adventure! (KS)

Geist: One Foot In the Grave – Artists are working.

Contagion Chronicle Jumpstart (Chronicles of Darkness) – Breakdown brokedown.

In Layout

Yugman’s Guide to Ghelspad

Vigil Watch

Trinity Core Jumpstart

Aberrant – Layout done with the power section. Art still coming in.

Proofing

Cavaliers of Mars: City of the Towered Tombs

Yugman’s Guide Support Decks (Scarred Lands)

TC Aeon Terra Firma – Sent back to Josh, looking good.

V5 Let the Streets Run Red – 2nd proof out this week.

At Press

TCFBTS Screen and Booklet – Files at press.

They Came from Beneath the Sea! – Shipping from printer to KS fulfiller.

Pirates of Pugmire – Shipping from printer to KS fulfiller.

Pirates of Pugmire Screen – Files at press.

Dark Eras 2 – Files printing.

Dark Eras 2 Screen and booklet – Files at press.

Contagion Chronicle – Press prep, PoD files uploaded and ordered.

Contagion Chronicle Screen and Booklet – Files at press.

Lunars Wall Scroll Map – Shipping to KS fulfiller from printer.

Lunars Screen and Booklet – Files at press.

Lunars: Fangs at the Gate – Prepping files for PoD and press.

Scarred Lands Creature Collection – Shipping from printer to KS fulfiller.

Sunken Bones – Pugmire pirate adventure – Errata collecting from Backer PDF.

Titanomachy – Errata collecting from Advance PDF.

Magic Item Decks 1-3 (Scarred Lands) – PDF and PoD card versions on sale at DTRPG and DriveThruCards this Wednesday!

Today’s Reason to Celebrate!

Labor Day! Traditional end of Summer and start of the school year holiday in the US. Except, of course, now the school year starts before Labor Day and anyway, everybody is in virtual school, and Get Off My Lawn!

#Onyx Path Publishing

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ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is · 4 years

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I received a question longer than 8 parts that I’m going to post here (it was off anon, so I’m not revealing the identity of the question asker). I’m not going to answer it because my FAQ very clearly sets an 8 question limit and also as you will see it didn’t actually provide a lot of useful information despite the length. I am however going to talk through some of the issues, specifically relating to unnecessary information. Needless to say this will be a very long post hence the read more link.

Before I begin I want to give the origins of the 8 question limit:

-it’s an arbitrary number. felt it was generous and iirc I did go back and look at some past questions to see what was on the longer but still reasonable side

-I did it mainly because copying and pasting each individual question is tedious and also there is a limit to how much I’d like to read and also some people see ‘no more than 8 parts’ and instead of interpreting this as “I should edit myself as thoughtfully as possible” say “I should expand whatever I have to say to 8 parts long, even if it really is only 6 parts worth of material” so 8 was a number I could live with.

-I have yet to find an 8+ part question that couldn’t have been edited to a much shorter question while still keeping the same amount, case in point:

I'm asking for outside help because I've been on a hamster wheel for years where I believe I found my type get happy for a couple hours/days, find all the "signs" of me being that type all along and then...wake up not believing it. Or I see/read something that type is supposed to do/think like that doesn't fit me at al, or see someone I'd like to be like that it's another type and start digging again. I desperately need to arrive at a final typing because it's driving me crazy, I can't quit 1/9

Any preamble that amounts to “could you please type me” can be summarized to “could you please type me?”, a 5 -word phrase. This might however be the preamble that hits the most of my “oh I do not want to engage with this” buttons though:

Long and pleading which makes me kind of uncomfortable, like I do not know you and I don’t handle pleading and begging well anyway

Overinvestment in figuring out their type when often it’s times like this when taking an extended break from MBTI would likely be the best thing for you and indeed your overemphasis in getting an answer rather than learning about yourself might be what’s making it so hard to type

Also when someone says they’ve been trying and trying for years I get nervous because there is a very real chance they’re going to say a lot of stuff that is consciously or unconsciously pulled directly from MBTI descriptions and it’s going to be absolutely useless to work with.

[I should note for this and the rest of my criticism: I have, obviously a whole lot of preferences and dislikes and expecting you to cater to all of them would be completely ridiculous. Had this been an 8-part question I would have answered it, even if that answer might have been “I can’t tell”. As is, however, I’m hoping this might serve as some insight into how to make your question as good as possible which as a bonus will make me more likely to spend lots of time on it because I will be impressed and delighted by your effort.]

When interested in something I gotta find out how it works, or how it’s made. I find that as interesting as the thing itself. I see the way different elements can influence each other in arriving at a certain outcome, and I make decisions according to it. I trust my own reading of what’s probably going on. I trust patterns, things are often connected, not a coincidence. I usually judge fast and hard. I can change my mind very quickly if new facts comes in, but I’m very rarely neutral or 2/9

Some examples would be nice. I mean maybe this person is intuitive and maybe a thinker, although that first preamble didn’t sound very thinker to me, but also everything here is purely in the realm of subjectivity. Obviously we’re going to be subjective about ourselves, but a big part of why I want examples is that it forces people to not say stuff that sounds like it’s ripped directly from a type description.

or uncertain about things/people.I don’t like to make promises because of independence and not wanting to promise what I can’t deliver. I dedicate so much time to my personal hobbies I forget my chores. I tend to get obsessed in finding an answer to something until I get so dizzy/overwhelmed I’m forced to step back (typing myself in different theories is the best example). Hate to see people passing on wrong information and therefore misleading others. I gotta step up and correct them. 3/9

This is fine, I’d still like clearer and more specific examples but it’s fine; the one criticism is when someone starts taking about how they approach MBTI as an example in typing them it’s like PLEASE DO A HOBBY THAT ISN’T ABOUT NAVEL-GAZING, IT WILL IRONICALLY BE MORE HELPFUL.

I have very high standards, specially towards myself. My pride is heavily tied to being great at the things I care about, or am expected to perform. Really can’t stand biased judgements and behaviour by others, and police it in myself too. Truth is my #1 value. I have a natural thirst for and ease at handling a lot of data about whatever I’m interested in. One of biggest pet peeves is resistance to facts. I’m highly observant of things and people around me, there’s so much information I get 4/9

Okay this sounds kind of like a repeat/rephrasing of a lot of the information in the first two actual content parts (talking about interests, thirst for knowledge, judgement), and editing that down probably could have saved you an ask space thus getting you your answer. If you find yourself running long, go back and see if you are repeating yourself. I do this a lot! When I make blog posts here I don’t care, because this is my place and I do what I want, but I have a tendency to ramble in emails too and I always do a second pass if it’s longer than a paragraph to make sure all the information in there is helpful in making the point I need to make and isn’t repetitive (unless my point is DON’T FORGET THIS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD in which case some thoughtful repetition is often good).

advice, or cried in front of others myself so I can’t relate.I’m very open minded when it comes to physical differences, cultures, orientations etc. But I have a Strong sense of wrong and right that when crossed leads to indignation and promptly “cancealing” people, cutting them off my life. I felt very uneasy when I realized that things I felt a connection to (favorite color, number, animal, flower) lost their meaning to me. Logically I know it’s not a big deal, but it felt like I lost 6/9

so I think we lost a question here (I got 9 questions, but the last question said 10/10) which is another reason to keep it short – fewer opportunities for tumblr to eat it. Although, had two questions been eaten by Tumblr I would have probably answered this, but that’s probably not a gamble you want to make. Anyway this is emphasizing the strong judgements again, and a little emphasis is actually fine – it helps me know what is really important to you – but again, if you’re running long that should be a thing to cut, after the unnecessary preamble.

something. .I need to express my thoughts/opinions, but my feelings are private.I have a huge fear of failure that holds me back. I’m terrified of finding out I suck at what I’d love to do, so I keep that as a fantasy and don’t try it out, to not kill the possibility. I have self sabotaged to keep myself in “safe” spaces but I have realized the reason I’ve been so restless is because I have to honor my ambitions which have always been big and bold. Mistakes and deficiencies jump out at me 7/9

The information here is mostly fine (although again with the expressing and strong feelings), but it’s also again without examples. There have been precious few examples here, and that’s really difficult to type from – again, I’m not saying it’s easy or even fully possible to be objective about yourself, but sometimes people say “I have a thirst for knowledge” and it means they are pursuing a PhD in philosophy, and sometimes it means they are someone who thinks that reading Wikipedia pages is a personality. [brief aside on that – I don’t want to say reading Wikipedia pages is bad. It’s not. I do it. Yesterday I was interested in how African prints were made and I looked up the Wikipedia page on them, which after a few clicks into related subjects brought me to a page about the androgynous water deity Olukun who originated in Yoruba faith traditions, and it was super interesting. But like…this is just a thing most generally curious people do and not a particularly unique or special indicator that you are smart, which is how it often seems to be intended.] Anyway my point is: examples, examples, examples. If you give specific examples I will be so much happier and more excited to type you because I actually feel like I can say something meaningful.

like neon, I can make very precise and detailed of anything’s quality in seconds. I have little patience with people that are not interested in improvement or resist positive change. Something that drives me nuts is lack of punctuality and money managing skills. I’m very annoyed by unrealistic people that ignore logic or constraints like resources. I’m equally impatient with people who only operate on what’s on the surface and is accepted as true: people who never question the common sense 8/9

Again there’s just…no examples. There’s also been a lot about what this person likes and doesn’t like about other people, and that would better be taken up by information (and examples!) about themself.

or status quo, that trust everything authorities” or the media tells them and never do their own research.I often don’t feel the need to actually do things to see if they’ll work, or try things out to see if I’ll like them. I’m pretty certain of things even before I experience them. I’m not inclined to be diplomatic and persuade. I convince by proving something with evidence, or making they see reason through logic argumentation, and point out possible consequences of choices. I compare 9/9

I’m always a little skeptical of people who think The Media is a monolith, just in general, but that’s neither here nor there. Also, here’s a reason why examples are useful – they provide context into the situation which addresses the very natural conflicts within people, vs. this: “I often don’t feel the need to actually do things to see if they’ll work, or try things out to see if I’ll like them. I’m pretty certain of things even before I experience them” coming from someone who just claimed they value truth above all. Like…this is at least in my opinion the opposite of what someone who values truth would say, because a person who values truth would check if things worked. Which isn’t to say this person is lying – but it means I’m going to have trouble because without, ironically enough, any evidence, which they say they like to use, I don’t know which of those conflicting statements is true or even if they are truly in conflict and just situationally dependent.

things/people a lot naturally because the similarities (and disparities) between them jump out. It’s hard for me to be really surprised at things, or at a person’s character.I’m impatient with learning and doing things that involve many steps/processes. I want to learn everything fast and am just now learning to grow discipline to stick to things in the long run if I don’t see quick progress. I find half baked concepts and theories very annoying, I don't like much ambivalence or vagueness 10/10

I don’t like much ambivalence or vagueness either, but here we are. Also, saying that you tend not to stick with things in the long run and are just developing the ability to do so if you don’t see quick progress does kind of make me have questions about you desperately trying to figure out your MBTI type for years as claimed before. Less is more because it gives you fewer opportunities to contradict yourself.

Anyway, the takeaway: keep your preamble short (seriously - almost every time someone goes over the 8-part limit it’s at least partially because they talked about their MBTI typing journey for 1-2 asks when a single well-phrased sentence would be far more useful), keep your examples concrete and specific, focus on yourself more than what you think of others, and read what you wrote before sending it to me.

#mbti #long post

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galacticbugman · 5 years

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Costuming on a budget

Hi everyone Galactic_Bug_Man here now for most of us there is a lot of nerd and geek conventions going on in a lot of areas around this time of year and other parts of the year. So here I am going to give you some of my tips and show you a few of my costumes that I have put together on a budget. Starting with my Star Trek one as you see here.

This costume comes from my Star Trek fan fiction Captain’s character. This was a very cheap one to make for me because most of the stuff I already had but I did go along and buy a lot of the pieces. This was taken outside my old house during the 2016 Dallas Fan Expo before with left the house to go on this day (Above)

Now for this costume I used an old pair of black jeans, my brother’s old orchestra slip on dress shoes, the Phaser I bought online for about ten dollars or so it was very inexpensive, the rank pips on the right side of the shirt are not really official ranks pins at all they're actually rare earth magnets held on to my shirt with my Texas Master Naturalist badge backing. Sometimes you just have to be creative and use what you got not to break your bank. I got the communicator badge for about 20 bucks at my first comic con. The shirt I bought at a clearance rack at Kohl’s for about a few dollars and it is really comfortable. So many of these things you can get for under ten bucks if you know were too look. As you can see I didn’t add the red shirt to do my division color which for this character it is red like TNG or DS9 or Voy. this is shirt is very close to the off duty uniform that Captain Jean Luc Picard would wear sometimes in scenes where he is playing is Rusikan Flute and sometimes he would wear an open jacket on the bridge and underneath he would have this style of shirt. The red shirt is absent in the first shot but in the shot below I have it. I got this shirt at Michael’s for a few bucks on their DIY tee shirt aisle. In the shot below I am wearing a pair of slacks I bought in between events. The belt was found during holiday Christmas clearance at Target for a few bucks. How I made the latch buckle look like a Starfleet belt was I printed off a small Black and White emblem which I made myself on Power Point and printed it off and then used some really good clear tape to put it on there. The one above was colored but the one on the bottom was back and white.

Sometimes it is just knowing where to look. Always check out clearance items or discount stores you get really lucky sometimes. My brother went to an old store once last year to make a costume for our high school pre-graduation party which was called Bahama Bash. I graduated a long time ago but he was just about to graduate and he went as Donkey Kong. They had a jacket that was brown for about three or four bucks, they also had a nice pair of brown pants for a little more I think. The most expensive things we had to buy were the material for his gorilla chest, and the batting for his muscular look. I don’t have pictures of that costume because it is all packed away but just getting setting a budget can really help you if you are a nerd that is tight on money. I prefer using what I have but sometimes you have to try and make it look good. That is why I bought the Combadge at full price but the Magnets I got with coupons. Sometimes coupons to craft stores and things are great and that is what a lot of us cosplayers do. No I am not a sewer but I have made a prop for this costume from some of the leftover fake fur we used for my brother’s DK costume.

I made a Tribble to go along with my costume for a couple of events. We had a halloween event on our campus that I went to. We had a costume contest and I just decided to put this puffball together one night. It was kind of fun to make it and it was a good use of some of the left overs. If you are doing a Star Trek costume and have stuff like this you can easily make it yourself. For tribbles there are tons of templates online and sites that give you instructions. I made this one using another blog site. Instructables also has stuff like this and looks really fun to put together.

So clearance, coupons, using leftovers, sometimes just using what you have are great ways to get started on you cosplay journey. There have only been a couple of costumes that I have had that were fully sewn and that was my first Luke Skywalker Costume when I was younger. My grandmother made the Jedi shirt, belt, and pants for me as well as the shoe covers to make them look like boots. So that was pretty costly to do. I also had to by a lightsaber which didn’t cost me too much it was just one of those hold down and flick out ones it was not one that lit up or made noise even though I did have one of those but I didn’t have one at the time.

For the last few years now my campus has had an Anime Convention and Nerd con of sorts so this year my brother and I are going to check it out. And this year I am going to go as a Starfleet officer again but I am also going to go as one of my favorite characters from one of my favorite cartoons.

Since Animaniacs seems to be coming out with a couple of more seasons in an updated form coming to Hulu in 2020 I decided to make a Yakko Warner Cosplay. It seems to be the road less traveled I don’t see a lot of Animanicas at cons but I have seen a few people cosplay as them so I deiced to try and do my own style while trying not to break my bank fully. Still using coupons and things but I also had a few items that I had in my possession and somethings I bought on the cheap end.

Okay so here we have the red nose, the belt buckle, and the headband with ears. The headband I got at the Dollar store. On it I bought some enlarged pipe cleaners to make the ears and they were on the kid’s craft Aisle at Michaels. I buy a lot of my stuff from either Jo-Ann’s or Michael’s depending on who has the best deals at the time. The red nose I had when I had to have my kidney operated on I got a red nose from one of the volunteers at the children’s hospital when I had my left left kidney operated on after years of scar tissue built up after being born with an enlarged kidney and after years of chronic infection. It is okay I got that taken care but that is where the nose came from so it was free. The belt buckle was made from foam board and I colored it with a yellow sharpie.

Now you might be thinking where is the hair for my costume. It is kind of funny but my hair line is receding just a little bit and when you put the middle part down my hair does what Yakko’s and his siblings does. It is kind of funny but hey that means I can just go with my natural hairline and natural hair. Sometimes you have to go with it and have fun. Me I am one of those that likes to roll with it and laugh at myself. That is all you can do sometimes.

These are my slacks and tail. As you can see I used the pipe clearer to make a tail too. The slacks I got a JC Penny full price because I needed to get some slacks for some function. So I recycled those for this cosplay. I tied on the tail to the back belt loop. I can already tell you this part is going to be tricky so I am hoping that if I have to leave a panel to do something that I don’t shut my tail up in a door. I probably wont but sitting down will have to take some adjusting. Always try to make your cosplay as easy to maneuver as possible. It will help a lot by knowing just what events you will be doing and what it calls for. I am thinking it will not be all that bad but still I just got to make sure that I don’t get it caught in anything. This part of the costume was really fun to put together I was laughing at the end result because of the way it looked. I thought it looked pretty good and silly. I am a pretty fun guy so this cosplay will be really neat to do. I have never gone as a Toon before so this is something I have been wanting to experiment with for a good while now.

Next up the Iconic feet of the Warner Trio. These are nothing more than painters shoe covers with toe marks on them. I got these at the Home Depot for about four bucks. I also bought some heavy duty white duct tape so that way I can make them somewhat wear and tear resistant from being on the concrete all day or the tile or carpet. I am going to wear some tennis shoe with these over them. I can already tell you that with this part you are going to need to tape the part that is not going to be to be the front of the foot down or it will look all funny looking. I have not wore the costume yet but I am already seeing somethings I am gonna have to do to make it look good. So yeah even your local hardware store is a good place to get some stuff for costumes if you have the right idea.

I bought this black long sleeved shirt on clearance at Jo-ann’s they were getting rid of their long sleeve shirts for the season so I was able to get this fairly cheap. So yeah this was a pretty good deal. I am just saying things can look really good. This is one of the easier ones to make. The Star Trek costume took me a while to make. I had to find a combadge that was not sky high in price and where I didn’t have to pay for shipping and handling.

And of course I got the gloves too at Jo-ann’s these were on their winter clearance and they had a whole bin of them and they were only a few cents so we got a few. It is not in here but I also have an all black belt so I have all the pieces finally to this costume.

I love making costumes but sometimes it just have to play it really cheap. When I met Sylvester McCoy from Doctor Who I did a Doctor Degeneration theme where what would he look like if he was dying or something. So I have the scarf from four, the fez from 11, the sonic from nine and ten, I bought a Doctor Who Tee that looked like 12′s suite. and I had a my black jeans so I looked like that. that was actually more expensive than what I had for the other two costumes because I bought all that Doctor Who stuff online. So it just depends on what you want to do. Many of you know this but some of you may be new to cosplay. This is just showing you the way I do it. I am sure we all have our preferred method of doing our cosplay.

I have to tell you that the Animaniacs cosplay is something that I am looking forward to wearing at our Campus Convention. I am very excited to see how it goes. Like I have said I am a huge Animaniacs fan and with this cosplay I am going to do something I don’t do a lot. I have a real knack to doing voice impressions and want to be a voice actor when I get out of college as well as a nature photographer and I can do both Yakko and Wakko impressions so I will be talking like Yakko most of the time at the con just to be silly and play the part. Sometimes if you dress the part you have to play the part. So I think that would be really funny and be worth some laughs. So until next time be safe at your conventions and have fun. I will see you next time on the trail of life.

#cosplay #animaniacs #nerd #nerdculture #geekdom #geek #costumes #yakko warner #star trek #federation #united federation of planets #starfleet #doctor who #donkey kong #science fiction #cartoons #fun #convention

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lovehaswonangelnumbers · 5 years

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New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/seeing-the-past-in-a-new-way-to-help-you-move-forward-in-a-clearer-way/

Seeing the Past in a New Way to help you Move Forward in a Clearer Way

By Dana Mrkich

We recently talked about the effect of Pluto, Saturn and the South Node being together in the skies this year. Today we’re going to focus on Saturn and the South Node as these two are pretty much side by side for the next 4 months until the end of September. This is a huge time for getting your act together, letting go of what needs to be let go of, and moving forward with purpose.

Whether by choice or through circumstance it will feel like you are coming face to face with the past over and over again. You may be confronted to look at:

What old baggage am I still carrying around?

What old stories and beliefs am I holding that no longer serve me?

What patterns do I keep repeating that I am DONE with?

With this baggage, with these stories, beliefs and patterns, some of them might be connected to your past in this life, others are connected to your family and their story, or your ancestral lineage/multi-generational patterns. Some could be past life related (soul lineage).

With old stuff like this, it can often be the case that we’ve cleared/healed our beliefs on a conscious level but on a subconscious level or on an “emotional set-point” level we’re still lugging them around. For example, consciously you may genuinely believe that you’re always taken care of, and that you always have enough. However you might find yourself constantly repeating old money patterns, or old emotional reactions to those money patterns. The emotional reaction is part of your OLD emotional set-point (your emotional set-point is the emotion you keep falling back down to time and again be it disappointment, anger, frustration etc) and it’s this emotional reaction that keeps habits/actions/energy alive that keep the whole cycle going!!

This repeating cycle is a result of decades, if not lifetimes, of a certain groove being conditioned to act and respond a certain way. Whatever your old groove is, whatever that old wound is that keeps getting poked and prodded, Saturn and the South Node are joining forces to help you say “ENOUGH!!!”

All this is happening in the sign of Capricorn which is about being an adult. It’s happening opposite Cancer which represents our inner child. So for a lot of us, wherever we have been acting through the lens of our inner child, wherever we have felt like the victim, wherever we are in blame mode, wherever we feel dependent, needy, not good enough or overly sensitive, it’s time to emotionally grow up. It’s time to be the parent that we perhaps never had, or wish we had.

Saturn represents the father so for some of us our 2019 healing story could be related to our father or anyone who was in a father role when we were growing up. It also represents authority in any form, so if you have any sort of entanglement with authority this year it would be very beneficial to look within and ask:

Where am I ready to own my inner authority in a greater way?

Where am I ready to step into greater responsibility?

Where am I apologising for being who I am?

Where do I feel I have to justify my very being?

Where am I still acting like a child/living in child-mode?

Where do I need to claim my adulthood (and autonomy)?

Saturn is about taking responsibility. Saturn requires discipline, patience, hard work, practical action, taking one step at a time to reach long-term rewards and goals. There is no cutting corners here.

Is there something you have been wanting for a long time? Something you’ve wanted to do, become or accomplish? This Saturn/South Node energy is ideal for seeing very clearly what’s been holding you back, knowing exactly what you need to do to let that go, and take steps to move in the direction of your choice.

Saturn is about consistency and commitment. It’s about showing up – especially for yourself. If you want something, go for it – but you have to show up and do what needs to be done.

Here’s an exercise to help:

Write a list of things that you want to do, become or accomplish.

Next write a list with 2 columns:

Column 1: Why do I want this?

It helps to get clear on why you want what you want. Sometimes things have been on our want/to do list for so long, but they’re actually no longer relevant to our current version of who we are. Time to ditch those things. Sometimes we realise hang on, I only wanted this to prove something to my parents/society. Actually I really don’t want this! Knowing why you want something helps you to stay motivated even when the fruits of your efforts aren’t yet here in their full form.

Column 2: Why I don’t want this.

This column can be a tough one if you think “no part of me doesn’t want this!!” Trust me, if something is not in your life that you want, there is a part of you that for some reason either doesn’t want it, OR doesn’t want it yet (right timing is everything!!!) Be open to whatever wants to come through onto the page. With things we really want, there are usually conflicting thoughts within us eg if I have, let’s say, more success, then that means I will have less time, I’ll be more open to criticism, online attacks etc etc. Working through those conflicting thoughts will help soften them, so that what you really want can come to you in an easier way. You don’t necessarily have to let go of conflicting thoughts. Using the above example, yes, more success will likely mean that at times you’ll have less time! (Other times it will mean you have more time!). So it’s more about just acknowledging the conflicting thought and saying well yeah, that’s true, but I’m okay with that.

You might see that the conflicting belief is trying to help you. For example: The belief might be: “a new relationship will mean I have less time to myself”. Maybe right now time with yourself is super important to you. Maybe your soul very much needs time outside of being in a relationship. So in this case you might agree that this no-relationship time is a gift, and thus enjoy it while it lasts instead of resisting it.

Restriction and Control

Saturn can manifest as “restriction” in some area of your life. If that’s the case for you, ask: “How is this restriction serving me?” Lack of money for example is a good motivator for finally going for that promotion we would otherwise be too scared to ask for, or that new job, or finally getting some business idea off the ground. Lack of freedom is a good motivator for finally leaving home, or any situation you’ve outgrown. Obviously we don’t want to always attract “lack” in order to manifest “more” (if that’s your emotional set-point, it��s time to change that). Finding the gift in restriction is often the very thing that helps to shift it.

Saturn can also manifest as the control that ‘someone’ or ‘something’ has over you. With the karmic South Node on Saturn it’s time to come out from under this control. (This can include our own thoughts just as much as any external factors). You will feel a new liberation as these control layers start flying off you. This frees you up to live life much more in alignment with who you really are.

Saturn is all about being real – bye bye to anything built on illusion. Which brings us to the global stage…..

Where have we been controlled?

Who is trying (and in many ways succeeding) to control us?

Where have we given away our authority?

The South Node will help us see, in a clearer way, things we haven’t been able to see before. Just like we’re now able to see our personal wounds in a clearer way, our collective/global workings are being revealed helping us to understand why the world really is as it is. More on that in the next blog.

For now, when your old stuff/past stuff comes up, find the gift so that you can learn the lesson and move on from the pattern, OR if you feel you’ve already got the lesson it’s fine to say “Hey old pattern/old belief/old reality influencers, I don’t believe you anymore.” Most importantly: CHANGE your actions. If you are used to saying yes to something you don’t want to do, how does it feel to say no? If you are used to procrastinating about something you want to do, how does it feel to start taking regular action steps, even if it’s just tiny steps?

Has this Saturn//South Node conjunction started to affect your life already? How?

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dyingunknown-blog · 5 years

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BEGINNINGS + GENDER

As said in the introduction: this is a selfish blog where I rant about myself and my feelings. Here goes my first ramble. Within this ramble contains bits of: gender, femininity, sexuality and eating disorders. Y’know, the usual mix of edgy Tumblr content. I am posting this in celebration of Pride Month (!!! YAY!!! I HONESTLY LOVE PRIDE MONTH) but also because I’ve had this build up in my heart for too long.

A NOTE BEFORE I BEGIN...

I know you (reader) cannot hear me doing this, so imagine me (author) taking a deep breath, filling my semi spacious lungs, and releasing all that pent up air with a heavy sigh.

Here we fucking go. Here’s to tip of the iceberg, from 4 years of pent up gay shit to recent moments of gentle gender dysmorphia. Do not expect my writing to be fully coherent, nor written in the best grammar. I am writing for my own therapeutic needs, because I gotta get some of this energy released and I have nowhere else to dump this. This piece is a full on rant, as in I literally wrote this angrily tapping away at 2-4 am. However, I’d like to mention that I mean no offence to any parties, and simply want to vent out some of the deep thoughts I’ve been pacing around for the past few years. Feel free to send me a message regarding your personal feelings, or to just chat. I’m always here as a friend and listener <3

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN...

I think I owe myself and you (reader) an explanation on where things began to really start. The main “spark” that got me going and prompted me to start this blog was when I found myself unable to stop playing songs by Dorian Electra. Actually-- to be honest-- it was the music videos that really got me going. The glorious explosion of just “QUEER” screaming and banging its head at my 13 inch Mac Book Pro got me extremely inspired to actually do something about the gross reactions of confusion that were occurring in my brain and body. As Dorian Electra put it, “You know I’m not straight, but I’m gonna give it straight to you.” So here’s my best shot at “giving it straight.”

By the way... I’m from a fairly traditional family with high hopes for me, so the most freedom I can really grasp onto is starting an anonymous Tumblr blog at 2 am laying naked with just my underwear on.

PERSONAL TOPIC 1: GENDER...

So here’s the thing, I stick to my biological birth gender like it’s my lifeline-- my comfort zone-- I guess, if anything. I personally feel like gender and sexuality have their own little symbiotic (or perhaps parasitic???) relationship, where one’s gender impacts their sexuality-- but I can also accept that my understanding is probably not politically correct. I can say, however, with a heavy heart:

I am utterly fucked when I think about my gender and sexuality.

I’ll take it easy first and rope down my feelings towards my gender and its definition. I jokingly scream in the halls that gender is a social construct, but let’s be honest-- is it not? Other than our dongle-longs and hoochie-has, what makes a woman different from a man? I mean maybe it is just the sausage and the grapefruit, but I’d like to argue that... Just kidding, the more I think about it the more I fall into a rabbit hole where I can’t figure out what a male is and what a female is. I mean what are they? Is it based off of the definition I provide for myself, or what society conveniently slams into my face? Is the LGBTQ+ community the people who get to decide or is it the Westboro Baptist Church???

Note: these are not a rhetorical question, please answer this to your opinion because I’m in desperate need of some kind of direction beyond biology. I accept all ideologies and concepts. I’m just hella confused.

Ehem.

Anyways, my own battle with gender goes beyond not knowing where the “line” is, or if it even exists (again, I’m still not sure if this is a personal question or something based on society...) It also goes into where I stand on this polarised scale. See-- I have a bean, a hole, and melons. Alas, in slightly more proper terms, I have a clitoris, vagina and breasts. So what does that mean for me? Am I automatically a woman? For the first 17 years of my life, I would respond to that question with a VERY confident nod. Pink was once my favourite colour, I like boys, dresses, cute animals and romcoms. My physical body only went to assure what I already knew. Now? I’m not so sure. As it is more acceptable nowadays to be “queer,” I’ve slid into the an identity crisis where I realise I’ve never revelled in the fact that I had tiddies, nor felt comfortable about having a coochie. I used to blame my confusion regarding my comfort in my biological gender on the growing queer influences in my life-- after all, everyone wants to be special and sometimes being apart of the LGBTQ+ community is the best way to stand out, especially when it’s being shoved in your face with media. Everyone who comes out of the closet is faced with incredible amounts of love and attention, and my younger self thought “maybe I should get on the boat” hence, labelling myself as bisexual for the longest time without truly feeling like I am (until in recent years.) I blamed my confusion in identity and sexuality on the attention whore who lived inside of my heart. My feelings were only justified as true this year, when I found myself staring at myself in the mirror and couldn’t help but to feel unhappy with what I presented myself with. Undies clad with a slightly cropped black muscle tank, I could see the linings of a “V” line on my lower abdomen and felt kinda hot about it. I did the annoying fuckboy pose (you know, the one where the guy is biting his shirt to reveal his oh-so-humble six pack) and found it... kinda fun? I did have a 36D underboob flail around, but my focus was more on my bottom half, with my Victoria Secret blue lace underwear and masculine illusion. It wasn’t like a grand glorious moment, nor was it like I was the tomboy of the house and everyone just “knew” and I only had to convince myself. Instead, it was an anti-climatic moment where I realised “fuck, I have another problem on my hands that I can’t ignore anymore.”

I don’t know if I truly identify as female or male. Honestly, I don’t really think I need to identify myself, but that’s the 30% of my consciousness who is super queer, chill and cool. See, the other 70% of my mind is going in a frenzy screaming, because I just lost one of my key defining attributes. Think that episode of Spongebob, where Spongebob’s brain cells are screaming and throwing papers around the office setting of his brain.

Another question has also become increasingly relevant in my journey of finding my “true inner zen self.”

Who am I choosing my gender for?

In 2018, and most of the years before, I adored being loved by boys and having guys waggle their dicks like dog tails for my tits and ass, but in 2019, I randomly figured out that I never liked my boobs for anything but that. I mean having an hourglass figure was always (and still is) a goal of mine, but I question for what reason. I’d like to say it’s for personal aesthetic appeal, but it wouldn’t be surprising to me if I just do it so people will like me more. In fact, I battled with bulimia for the very reason of: I don’t know what the fuck I want or like, but the crowd likes “skinny thick” girls so lets do that by purging. Am I currently wearing a waist trainer and corset on top of each other because I like the outcome, or because the people around me like me more for it? I’m trying really hard not to segue into the alluring topic of toxic femininity, because I can rant for HOURS AND PAGES about that, so I’ll just say: I don’t know if I’m being a girl for myself or because I’ll be more liked for it.

In all honesty, the truth regarding my gender became clearer the more I self conscious I became. In 2018, I fell into the trap of sending boys nudes (apologies for the TMI and sorry family if you somehow came across my blog and are currently reading this.) I liked it for a millisecond. Why? Because it felt good to have someone desperate for me. That millisecond died off real fast. My own thoughts pooped my nude Alpha Female party with insecurity and fear of how my body compares to other girls my age. Three days after the first nude I sent I realised I hate my body. I felt empowered in the moment (honestly I do love the feeling of tease. I still do send ohohoho raunchy pics for the pure euphoria of just having someone crave me) but overall just left the experience with lingering guilt and self hatred. I wasn’t sure if I was doing this to please myself or others. I also abhor taking nudes, because I do not think I embody femininity and dislike my body for that very reason. Identifying as male makes me far more comfortable than as identifying as a female. I might have tits, I might have soft facial features, but I just don’t like how I mentally feel like I can’t compare to the unrealistic standard of femininity that women uphold. I spent my whole life trying to tick the boxes under “female,” but always felt like I was just doing the bare minimum... Hence my past is full of desperation, the need to show skin for the sake of proving I’m “sexy” and being perfectly fine with getting mislabeled as a slut at school. Nowadays, I show skin because I’m comfortable and am learning to love my body. I am not okay with slut shaming in general, but I am most definitely not okay with being called a slut either because I’m still a fucking virgin. So hun, I really do wish I could call myself a slut and have that much game, but I’m very far from that.

Anyways, uh more on my gender crisis: I’ve also always adored mens fashion and absolutely revel the aura of being the “alpha.” Ever since my middle school days, I’d secretly snoop around and envy the men’s section of Barney’s and Saks, because it just looks so damn cool. Excuse my lack of “high quality language,” I can hear my English teacher sighing about my lack of “professional” or “appropriate” language, but I really can’t express my feelings regarding mens fashion other than it’s fucking cool. I must say though, my style of clothing and expression of self doesn’t stop itself at mens fashion. In fact, I enjoy dressing to exhort a more dominant presence, whether it’s with a short denim skirt and tight crop top or a loose fitting silk blouse and skinny jeans with a belt. So I guess in a way, my fashion and what I feel comfortable in explains my gender for me. A little bit of both and a little bit of neither. Although the next step would definitely be playing around with my hair and piercing, but I think my traditional family would whoop my ass to the moon if I do it now, and I can’t say I’m not scared of regrets. I just want to discover myself a little more this year...

Regardless, I just wanna further clarify that I don’t feel comfortable being put as female, male or hell-- even androgynous.

And I gotta say, after holding this in and denying it for 4 years, it feels damn good to type it out and admit it.

In deciding to be a “gender”, there are standards. Deciding to be anything comes with the price of standards. I just can’t personally handle not being able to fit into the standards there are for them... Especially now since people are so bothered on being politically correct, so if I’m “not being properly androgynous” or “not properly female,” I’ll get shit on, and if I’m not accepted by the mass majority, I’ll feel societal hate mixed with self hatred.

I also want to say that sometimes I don’t feel like I have the right to be confused or declare a gender because I’ve been on the judgemental side before.

In middle school one of my close friends moved away, and soon later began to label themselves as gender fluid. It was such a new concept that I initially thought that they were doing it as a publicity stunt, but slowly realised that it is indeed who they are. I wasn’t hateful, but I can’t say I’m innocent, even if it was when I was far younger and less understanding. I remember when they first started using their current pronouns, I was confused on how to utilise them and initially disregarded them. Today, I regret my ignorance. Misgendering can always be a mistake, but it can also be extremely spoiled, belittling and condescending. So even though I know someone that probably went through a similar journey as I am today, I feel guilty asking them about it because of the shit I gave them when I was 14.

Additionally, I’m scared of being wrong about myself. I can’t describe it too well, but I’m just scared that I’ll slip up a wrong opinion and then be automatically thrown into the can of “special snowflake wannabe LGBTQ+” when in reality: I truly feel like I’m not of “cisgender” or anything normal. I don’t want to dip too deep into my history with crippling anxiety and experiences with depression, but I will say that I can’t help but to hate myself for being queer too.. Alas, I’ll have to learn how to get over that and continue loving myself, but what the hell am I going to do now? 2k words later and things aren’t exactly clearer, but I can (somewhat) confidently say that I know what I’ll do (for now.)

As of today, June 17, 2019, I have decided to not give a fuck and to simply just identify with the LGBTQ+ community. I don’t feel comfortable identifying as male, female, neither, both, gender fluid, or anything else. I will simply put off gender and let people call me by whatever pronoun they want.

I just wanna be me.

Until I find out something else, or become more comfortable with myself, or gather the confidence to “come out of the closet” and stop being so selfish and finally decide what the hell I am, it’ll probably just be like this for awhile.

And honestly? I think I’m okay with that.

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mtvswatches · 6 years

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Crazy Ex Girlfriend 4x10 I Can Work With You

Stray thoughts

1) It’s amazing but the show actually accomplished it – I dig the new theme song. I’m actually singing along.

2) I repeat: Other Rebecca needs help.

3) Okay…

REBECCA: You're weird around her. It's like you can barely even look at her, because she reminds you of a very traumatic time in your life where you made some rash decisions and contributed to the existence of another person and maybe didn't fully think it through.

Even though this is incredibly introspective and it makes sense, it wasn’t the explanation I was expecting to get from Rebecca. Accepting to be Daryl’s baby’s surrogate mother was a rash decision, yes. And even though it rubbed me the wrong way how she showed no interest in the baby, it made sense, it was consistent with her behavior. She made the decision to carry the baby without giving it much thought. Likewise, she wasn’t giving the baby much thought.

I actually chalked it up to Rebecca being a self-centered dick. She might be making improvements as regards her mental health and introspection, but she’s still utterly self-centered and a dick.

4) I loved the Jersey Shore reference!

REBECCA: Snooki has a baby. She has two babies.

DARRYL: And look at what a great job she's doing with Lorenzo and Giovanna.

Yes, I love Jersey Shore. Occasionally, I love crap.

5) Shouldn’t Greg and his dad be attending different help groups? It kind of defeats the whole “anonymous” purpose…

But I like how we got to see Greg’s sponsor again and see how seriously Greg takes his advice.

6) I keep relating to Paula so much…

PAULA: Second, that is how I wanted to celebrate my birthday With you and some room-temp California rolls. It was perfect. No one stared at me and no one sang "Happy Birthday," so it was a big win.

I loathe celebrating my birthday.

7) It’s kind of a shocker that Mrs H sucks at charades, isn’t it?

8) Me, everytime Josh speaks:

9) Also, me:

Replace “Beverly Hills” with any TV show I binge-watch.

10) I relate to Rebecca so much because I’m so not a baby person either. I had a very similar experience the first time babysitting one of my best friend’s babies. I just don’t know what to do with babies. They are so fragile and unpredictable, an enigma. Toddlers and kids, that’s a whole other thing. Once I can actually communicate with them, they love me.

11) Oh, the game night is Paula’s graduation party! I can understand her not wanting to make a big deal out of it. I didn’t celebrate my graduation either! But I agree with Paula’s husband, though. Rebecca would’ve totally gone to the game night if she had known it was Paula’s graduation party.

12) The game sounds boring af, though. I think they wasted a great opportunity to come up with a nonsensical game that only the characters in the show understand and whose rules are super vague for the audience, a la “True American” from New Girl.

13) I really love it when Nathaniel violently claims he’s nice.

14) Valencia is going to mop the floor with Hector, isn’t she? Will learn why she is so mean to him, though?

15) I laughed so hard at this…

JOSH: Um, what happened to Marvin Gaye?

PAULA: Oh, his dad murdered him. Anyway…

JOSH: As an adult?

NATHANIEL: No, Josh, as a baby. Marvin Gaye was murdered as a baby. All the music that he made that you love, he made as a baby.

JOSH: Whoa.

16) “You left West Covina just to get away from me.” Again, this is a bit self-centered. Yes, Rebecca definitely played a huge part in Greg deciding to leave West Covina, but he also did it for very personal reasons related to his own desires, ambitions and mental health. What’s more, I just don’t understand how Rebecca doesn’t realize that in spite of all the crazy shit she’s done, her coming to West Covina put in motion a chain of events that affected everyone’s lives in a positive way. All of the characters are at a better place than they were before Rebecca arrived in town, Greg included! So yeah, she might be a whirlwind who usually fucks things up, but she’s served as the catalyst for everyone’s self-improvement as well.

17) Ummmmmmmm

In the words of Joshua Felix Chan…

I did not see that coming. I was expecting the writers to rekindle this relationship, but I didn’t see them getting involved so soon after meeting again? Like, there’s so much stuff they still have to work through, plus they have to get reacquainted with one another? Both of them have changed so much! Are they into the actual person in front of them or are they holding onto the idea of the person they used to be who made them feel a certain way?

Let’s just hope this is going in an interesting direction… (but I don’t know if “Settle for Me” playing in the background right before they kissed is a good omen…)

18) I really enjoyed this number…

youtube

And I really loved how their parents were playing the instruments and looked bitterly disappointed once they finished hahaha!

19) GOOD. GOOD!

Yeah, something feels weird. So, listen. You know me I'm usually the first person to impulsively throw myself into any really romantic moment, but I think I got to just take a beat and deal with the fact that right before you so sweetly kissed me, I was in the middle of a shame spiral. Which isn't just a me thing. That's a thing that happens with my disorder, BPD. Um, and basically, it's what you saw. I can spiral out about things, in this case oh, my fear that everyone hates me and that I'm a contagious plague in the form of a woman, even though intellectually I know that I'm not.

I really like what they’ve been doing this season with Rebecca’s disorder and the way she handles it. The fact that she got a diagnosis and she’s being treated doesn’t mean that she’s magically cured, so she’s bound to make some mistakes again and to act out because of her disorder. The difference now is that she understands where those impulses and crises come from and she’s better equipped to deal with them properly instead of continuing spiraling.

20) Oh, they’re still going at it…

And this shot reminds me of “Oh My God I think I Like You.”

21) Let me just say that I’m so fucking happy that Paula finally got her dream that made her feel like she deserves a dream, okay?

22) Ha!

No one here is a mind reader, except maybe Valencia. She's into that occult stuff.

Jokes aside, he makes a great point. You can’t fault people for not acting the way you expect them to if you haven’t communicated it properly, you know?

23) I actually enjoyed their bonding? Yes, I am surprised.

24) I liked how Hector and Valencia were able to bury the hatchet, but honestly, I was hoping for Valencia’s reason to bully Hector to be a bit juicier than “I hate you because everyone likes you.”

25) Girl really has no boundaries, she just had sex on Darryl’s carpet while babysitting his daughter…

26) Oh damn, they cut that Greg and Rebecca song too short! I was super digging it!

27) Oh, Nathaniel, you’re a softie…

28) I stand corrected. NO ONE HAS ANY BOUNDARIES IN THIS FUCKING SHOW.

29) Oh, lord, they did a “Hello, nice to meet you” reprise with the baby and I DIED! It’s the sweetest thing ever!!!

Hello, nice to meet you, we share chromosomes

Hello, nice to meet you, you're kind of… me

So, since you're both the future and kind of a mirror

I'll tell you right now that life doesn't get clearer

All I can say is have fun in the gray

Well, anyway

It's nice to meet you.

Not gonna lie, I teared up a little…

30) What a wholesome moment…

31) Poor Nathaniel…

32) Oh, wow, for a second there, I was afraid Rebecca was going to say “Greg makes me feel like glitter was exploding inside of me”…

It feels different, Paula. It's different this time. Greg makes me feel like I'm… like I'm okay because he's so much more okay now, you know? And like maybe we could be the best versions of ourselves if we're together.

33) Oh, Nathaniel 💔💔💔

34) I think Rebecca might have jinxed it by saying that she enjoys the Beverly Hills drama... some drama is headed to West Covina...

35) Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!

#Crazy Ex Girlfriend #CEG #Rebecca Bunch #Greg Serrano #Rachel Bloom #CEG recap #CEG 4x10 #mine #MTVSwatches

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