#this was made with double life in my mind but it really has no context expect angst

[scaravoid]

— my heart is buried in venice, waiting for someone to take it home.

hermitcraft/life series as songs from my playlist.

text in image: don't leave me to bleed for someone who chose to leave me

[eideticmemory]

BABY DADDY | MATTHEW GRAY GUBLER

A one night stand leads to much, much more than either of you bargained for.

Word Count: 8.3k

Warning/Includes: BabyDaddy!Matthew, duh!!! Smut Lite™️.

So, the thing about babies is that they don’t really give a fuck about context. They truly couldn’t care less about what you’re doing, what’s happening in your life, your goals, your dreams, your ambitions. It’s all irrelevant. They will show up anyway. And what the little clump of cells in your uterus has failed to realize is that you do not know their father. At all.

Seriously.

You know him biblically. Obviously. You’ve shared drinks and a bed. You’ve seen him naked. He’s seen you naked. You’ve spent, maybe, an hour and a half together total. And you spent the majority of that time making the conscious decision to leave together, undress and fuck. You’re pretty sure the last thing you said to him was, “Safe travels.” As in, I don’t want to see you again. As in, If all goes well, I should never have to see you again.

You used a condom. You’re not dumb, you used a condom. So when weeks passed by and your period was late, you didn’t think anything of it. It happens. Sometimes periods are just late.

But it never came.

You bought the pregnancy test just to be safe. In fact, you were so sure that you were playing it safe that you didn’t take it for another three days. Pushing it back and back, hoping your period would come.

It didn’t.

So you squatted over the toilet and got a good amount of pee on the thing and waited two minutes just for it to stare you directly in the eye and say: FUCK YOU, DUMB BITCH. YOU’RE PREGNANT.

Okay, it just said pregnant. But that’s what went through your head. Your knees buckled and you grabbed your stomach, almost like you could feel the thing just hanging out in there. You doubled over, thinking you were going to puke, but you didn’t. You eye the test again and then, out of pure nerves, you puke.

You buy two more tests. They call you a dumb bitch again, just a little louder. You want a bottle of wine but you don’t have one because you’re pregnant. You want a lighter and a goddamn cigarette but you don’t have one because you don’t even smoke and you’re pregnant.

You sit down for lunch with your friend and it’s the first time you say these words out loud.

She yells, “You’re what?”

Pregnant!

You give her this look that says please don’t make me say it again and she doesn’t. She heard you very well the first time.

“W-wh-what…” she trembles. Shaking, like she’s the one knocked up. “What? H-how…what? who’s the daddy?”

You sigh, cut your eyes up at her, and her jaw drops, stuttering, “O-oh…no…no…[y/n]…no.”

“It’s gotta be him. He’s the last guy I had sex with. I had gotten my period before then. Now, no period, three positive pregnancy tests.”

“Three?” she shouts. “Oh, so you’re pregnant pregnant?”

“Yeah, I took three just to be sure and they all told me to go kill myself. So.”

“Oh my god…” she shudders. “Oh my god? Oh my…” and she chugs her glass of wine in one big gulp. It looks good.

“What are you going to do?” she asks you.

You shrug, your mind made up, “I’m keeping it.”

“What?”

“Okay, you need to quiet down now before we get kicked out of here.”

“What do you mean keeping it? As in, giving birth? As in, raising a child?”

“Yeah, exactly that.”

“O…kay…and the baby daddy?”

You shrug, “What about him?”

“I-“ she slams her hands down. “[y/n].”

“What?”

“You’re not gonna tell him?”

“Why would I? I have a house and a job and insurance and a 401K, I can take care of my kid.”

“Well, yeah…but it’s…his kid, too? Why-why are you keeping it if you’re not gonna tell him?”

“Because I want a baby. I don’t know. I-I thought about…getting it sucked out of there, but I don’t wanna. I want a baby. I want a kid. And yeah, this…isn’t the conventional way of doing that, but I never much saw myself with a husband anyway.”

“So…what’s the plan? Matthew’s just walking down the street one day and a little carbon copy of him comes out of the shadows saying ooh, aah, look at me! I’m the love child you unintentionally abandoned 10 years ago! That’s fucked.”

“What if he doesn’t care? What if he wants to abandon the kid? What if we’re on the same page?”

“Then at least give him the option.”

“Ugh.”

“[y/n], just give him the option. What? You can gargle his cock in your mouth but you can’t have a conversation? You need to tell him.”

“Okay…” you roll your eyes.

“And whatever the outcome, he stills owes you money. He stills owes some type of financial support, whether you want it or not.”

“I don’t want it.”

“Whatever. Look, I work with him when he’s in town, okay? I see him, I have to interact with him, I can’t hold on to this and I can’t be the one to tell him. [y/n]…please…”

“Okay!”

“Okay?”

You huff, “Okay. Fine.”

“Okay. You have his number?”

“No.”

“Classy,” she quips as she scrolls through her phone and you roll your eyes, “Okay, I’m airdropping it to you now.”

His contact comes through to your phone and you only stare at it long enough to accept and then you plant the device face down on the table. You suck back an anxious gulp of water and fidget with your hands, “This is your fault, you know?”

“What? How?”

“You’re the one that introduced us. At that launch party or whatever. What was that even about?”

“It was the launch party for a new production company and fuck you, you whore. I didn’t force you to go and get yourself knocked up. That was all you, Matthew and those free shots.”

“Oh, please, you practically threw us together.”

“Yeah, well, sue me, I thought you guys would hit it off,” she shrugs. “Not quite this much, but…”

The two of you sit in silence, looking around the restaurant, picking at your food.

“So,” she pips.

Your eyes flicker up at her.

“How was it?” she smirks. “Worth a baby?”

You let a long sigh, shaking your head with a very violent roll of your eyes, “Honestly…yeah…”

So far, pregnancy doesn’t suck. You’re still early, still not showing. There’s been no nausea or bloating. The insomnia, however, is getting ridiculous. You’re normally the type of girl to crash in bed as soon as possible, knocked out the moment your head hits the pillow. It is now midnight and your eyes are wide open, unable to relax. You check everything possible off of your to-do list, even scheduling your first obstetrician appointment. The only thing you haven’t done is call Matthew, having had his number sitting in your phone for close to a week now. To make it worse, all you want is a cinnamon roll. But not just any cinnamon roll. One from the late night bakery down the street. This is especially dangerous because you know very well that they are still open and somewhere out there is a cinnamon roll with your name on it. It would be nuts to leave the warmth of your bed right now, walk a mile in the dead of night, just for a cinnamon roll.

But you’re going to.

You bundle up and head out into the summer night, looking completely insane. Hoodie, sweats, tattered sneakers built for walking down the New York City sidewalks. It’s not far and you walk fast, faster than normal tonight because the craving is just that strong. You make it in all of ten minutes and within five more, you have the box cracked open and are tearing a piece off with your bare hands.

You look up for merely a second and your eyes catch him immediately. Now, you’re tired. Your blood sugar’s just shot up but you’re pretty sure it’s him. Posing for a picture with a fan. Tall. Beautiful. Smiling. His eyes land on you and he excuses himself, throws up a wave. You jump, looking around, contemplating running. But, yeah. That wouldn’t be suspicious at all. By the time you stop fidgeting, he’s standing over you and you’re trapped.

“Hi!” he greets you. “Hi, [y/n], how are you?”

You wipe frosting from your mouth and chuckle, more caught off guard by his remembering your name than anything. You cough, “Hi. Matthew, hi. I’m good. I’m doing good. How are you?”

“Good! Just heading home.”

“Oh! Oh, you have a place in New York?”

“Yeah, near the park, just a few blocks over. You live around here?”

“Uh…” you did not know this so you’re forcing your brain to catch up. “Uh, yeah, yeah. About a block over, just… couldn’t sleep. Wanted a cinnamon roll.”

“Looks good,” he giggles. “You look good.”

“Oh, you’re full of shit,” you smile.

“No! No, I mean it. You look great. I love the cinnamon roll run outfit. Honestly.”

You blush, you don’t mean to, but you blush. “Well, thank you. You look good, too.” He does. You can tell he’s just leaving somewhere because he’s dressed up and you suddenly remember very vividly how you ended up pregnant.

“Aw, thank you. I appreciate that…” his eyes scan over you. “Where did you say you live? Can I walk you home? It’s late.”

You want to shout No! Thank you! and run. It wouldn’t be hard to do. Why not? Still, you say, “Yes. Yeah, I’d like that.”

And so the two of you stroll down the empty sidewalks together, he does most of the talking. You can hear it in his voice that he’s flirting. You’ve heard it before. It has been successful, with you, before. Yet, you’re too busy this time around trying not to puke. He walks you to your door and you notice your cinnamon roll has gone cold in your hand.

“This is me,” you tell him. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” he smiles. “We should get together again, if you’re up for it.”

You nod, “Mhm. Yeah. That sounds nice. Um, I’ll give you my number.” He instantly pulls his phone from his pocket and hands it over. He’s serious. You type your name and number in and hand it back, chewing on your bottom lip.

“Perfect,” his fingers linger on yours as he takes his phone back. “I’ll call you. Hey, could I use your bathroom? I pee fast so I won’t inconvenience you too long.”

No!

You snicker, “Yeah…” you start to unlock the door. “Of course. Sorry in advance, it’s a little messy.”

“Oh, a little mess doesn’t scare me,” he laughs.

You let him in and point out the bathroom and as soon as he disappears, closes the door behind him, you release the breath that’s been trapped in your chest and plop down on the couch. “Fuck,” you mutter to yourself. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

The toilet flushes and then there’s a loud bang from the bathroom and you snap back to reality. “Matthew?” you call. “You alright in there?”

“Yeah, sorry,” he calls in response. “Just kicked over your trash can. Sorry!”

“That’s okay!” you reply. You relax.

It is definitely not okay.

You hop up and sprint to the bathroom door. You don’t even knock, you just burst into the bathroom where Matthew is picking up the spilled trash. Your eyes instantly land on the pregnancy tests and you can’t do anything but stand in wait.

When he notices them, he laughs. Not a cackle, but a soft giggle, almost silly, “You pregnant or something?” he asks. It’s a joke. He’s making a joke.

He looks at your face. It’s not a joke.

He stops laughing. He stops smiling. You’ve never seen someone’s entire being go so pale.

“Oh, you’re…” he stutters. “You’re…” he breathes. “Is it mine?”

You can hardly look him in the eye but you do and you nod.

“How long have you known?”

You gulp, “Like…a week. I haven’t been to the doctor or anything.”

“Are you…” you can see his chest heaving. “Are you serious?”

You nod, “Yes.”

He looks around the bathroom, wobbling on his heels and you worry he’s going to pass out. Instead, he slams the toilet seat down and sits on it, falls on it. “What…what are you going to do?”

“I’m…” you clear your throat. “Keeping it.”

“Oh.” he says. “You don’t...you’re not…”

“No. I don’t want that.”

And this is where his words became jumbled. Mumbled. Barely incoherent. He, himself, cannot even figure out what he’s trying to say.

“Look,” you interrupt him. “You don’t have to be involved, okay? You don’t even need to be on the birth certificate. I can handle this. I will handle this. If you wanna drop me a couple hundreds bucks every month and call it a day, that’s fine. If you don’t? Also fine. But I need to know because we’re…not…confusing this kid, okay? So, you need to be all in or all out.”

“Are you...” he cuts his eyes up at you and then promptly rises to his feet. “I can’t do this right now.”

You’re so dumbfounded as he rushes past you that your brain doesn’t even fully process it until he’s almost out the door. “Where are you going?”

“I have to clear my head. I-I have to get out of here.”

“Uh, okay...” he closes the door in your face. “Bye…”

And in the wake of all this exciting, suddenly surrounded by silence and cut tension, you remember your cinnamon roll. You want it after all.

When your friend asks if you’ve told Matthew, you say, “Yes.”

“Oh, shit. You called him?”

“No.” And you have to explain. You have to explain every awkward, uncomfortable, terrible second.

“And I haven’t heard from him since,” you shrug.

“Really?”

You nod.

She sighs, “Wow…fuck him.”

“Fuck him.”

And you meant that. You’re content with that. You feel like you can move on. Prepare, nest, move forward. Then he calls you. Out of nowhere. His name pops up on your phone and silences the music that had been playing while you took a bath. You stare at the screen for a long time, wondering if it’s best to protect your peace. It is. But still, you answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey, [y/n]?” he clears his throat. “It’s Matthew.”

“Matthew,” you sigh. “Hi.”

“Hey, um, when is your first doctor’s appointment? Has that passed already?”

“Um…” you furrow your eyebrows, genuinely confused. “No. It’s on the twenty-sixth. At Aster on the upper west side. Eleven o’clock.”

Silence.

Then, he says, “Okay…okay, I’ll be there.”

You shrug, “Okay.”

“Okay.”

You arrive at 10:45. You do not expect him to show up, like truly expect him to show up. So when he comes walking into the waiting room, your heart genuinely stops. You cross and uncross your legs, shuffling in your seat.

“Hi,” you whisper, with very minimal eye contact.

“Hi.”

The nurse calls your name and Matthew follows you into the examination room, taking a seat beside you. The technician asks you a series of questions about your last period, your symptoms, your health history and Matthew hears none of it.

“And are you dad?” she asks him.

He feels like he’s going to throw up. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, I guess.”

You roll your eyes and luckily, this kind woman cuts the tension pretty quickly. She slathers this cold gel on your belly and presses the wand to your skin and the heartbeat picks up immediately.

“Oh, wow, strong heartbeat already!” she grins at you. But you can’t take your eyes off the monitor. Matthew either. “You’re right around ten weeks so there’s the little head and you can see their arms and legs starting to form here.”

You can. You can really see it. There’s a baby in there. Barely. But a baby! You look at Matthew and his look of pure terror mirrors yours. It’s kind of comforting.

The nurse wipes you off and says, “So your estimated due date is March 10th, but again, that’s just an estimate so take it with a grain of salt because babies tend to follow their own schedule. You’re looking at anywhere from two to three days before or after.”

“Holy shit,” Matthew swears. “That’s the day after my birthday.”

“Is it really?” you tilt your head and at this, the nurse is dumbfounded. At this, Matthew is completely silenced.

You ask for two separate copies of the ultrasound and the technician has gotten over the shock. She’s not going to question it anymore, not going to give it any thought. Let you two sort it out.

As you stand outside afterwards, twiddling your thumbs, unsure of what to say or what to do, he asks, “Are you hungry? Can I take you to lunch?”

You cross your arms, wanting to say no. Wanting to lie. Instead you sigh, “Yes,” you nod. “Yes, please. I’m fucking starving.”

So he takes you to a cafe down the street where you order possibly the biggest burger even seen and fries and a cup of veggies and a piece of cake. It’s awkward, silent, and he just watches you eat. Almost like he can’t wrapped his head around it. You come up for air and catch his gaze.

“Hey,” you swallow. “Don’t look at me crazy. You’ve never had something in your body competing for resources.”

He chuckles, “No judgement. Eat what you want.”

“That was my plan.”

He picks at his food for a few moments and then sighs, “So…how…how are we gonna do this?”

You would ask for more context but you don’t need it. You know exactly what he means. You shrug, “I don’t know…” you shrug again. “I don’t know, just…do the best we can, I guess?”

He nods, “Yeah. Yeah, that always seems to work for everyone else.”

September | 14 Weeks

The deal is that Matthew will come in every four weeks for your appointments. This is what he agrees to, but you’re not convinced it will happen. But your next appointment rolls around and you’re shocked to walk in and find he’s beat you there. This time, he sees you and he smiles. His eyes scan over your figure as you take a seat, he goes, “Oh, you’re…you’re kinda starting to…”

You glance down at your tiny baby bump and you have this weird urge all the time to touch it so you do. “Oh. Yeah. I finally had to start telling people at work. They made me a registry.”

“Oh, that’s nice. What…what do you need me to get? What does a baby need?”

“God, dude, too much shit, I swear. Plus, I don’t even know what I want to dress her in. There’s like a million different brands and they all look the same or are made from spider silk or something stupid. I don’t know.”

He tilts his head at you, “Her? You think it’s a girl?”

You shrug, “I don’t know. I don’t think we can find out just yet anyway but, maybe?”

This little grin appears on his face and he almost reaches in to your bump, but he doesn’t. He shuffles in his seat, clears his throat, “A girl would be nice.”

You smile, “I think so, too.”

You both get your updated ultrasounds to go and the technician is greatful to not feel so suffocated this time. The energy around the two of you has shifted. Not much. You’re still strangers and it shows. But it’s different. You smile, you joke around, Matthew speaks up, asks questions.

It’s different.

At the end of the appointment, he asks you, “Hey, are you busy tonight?”

“Oh…” you’re caught off guard. “No. Why?”

“I was wondering if you might want to come over? For dinner maybe?”

“Oh.”

“Nothing…weird. I just…want you to know where I live and…I don’t know, I thought we could just talk.”

“Um. Okay. Okay. Send me your address.”

“Okay. I will.”

And so because you reluctantly agreed, you show up at his doorstep at six o’clock sharp. You’re not dressed up or anything, but it’s starting to get cold and you just threw on this big puffy jacket.

He opens the door and greets you with a bright smile, saying, “Hey, you. Come in.”

“Thanks,” you meekly walk in and instantly look around his place and oh, it’s fucking gorgeous. Comforting. Because you can’t have a baby with someone who lacks interior design skills.

“Are you still craving chinese? I got us a fuck ton.”

“Oh, my god,” you sigh in relief, smelling the food, instantly plopping down at the kitchen table. “Oh, my god, yes, thank you.”

“Of course,” he smiles.

You look around and notice the ultrasounds on his fridge, staring at them as he sets up a plate for you.

He takes a seat beside you and takes a bite of his food, then asking, “So, where are you from?”

It catches you off guard so you laugh, “What?”

“Where are you from? What’s your family like? Where’d you go to school?”

“Um, okay…what…you interrogating me?”

He laughs, “No. No, sorry. I just…uh, I wanna get to know you better, that’s all. You can ask me anything you wanna know, too.”

“Hm,” you nod. “Okay.” And you spill your guts.

You wrap your life up in a nutshell and it becomes this rapid game of back and forth about whose parents did this and how many siblings do you have and who was your first crush. Who’s your best friend. Who’s the last person you dated. Tell me about all the people you’ve dated!

Your baby daddy is kind of a slut, but, honestly, who are you to judge?

He’s funny. As far as you can tell, he’s honest. He doesn’t have or want to hide anything from you. What’s the point?

“So, um,” he says. “Why don’t I make you a drink and give you a little tour? Oh, wait, you…”

“Can’t drink,” you nod. “Yeah. Thanks for reminding me.”

“Sorry,” he laughs. “I have sparkling cider.”

“Bleh.”

“Sparkling water?”

“Bleh.”

“I…orange juice?” he laughs but you’re dead serious.

“That sounds so fucking good right now.”

“Yeah?” he chuckles. “Okay, you got it.”

And so, with your cup of orange juice, you follow him around his home. You see his bedroom, his office, and in the corner of the house, an empty room where he proclaims, “This will be the little guy’s room. I’m not sure what I’m gonna do with it yet, but definitely something.”

It’s beautiful. Lots of natural light but he says he’s already started looking at blackout curtains. “And then in my room,” he adds as you walk by. “I’ll have one of those little beside bassinet things, y’know? Just until he gets a little bigger.”

You look up at him with this sober look. You stumble around until you find somewhere to put your glass down and he asks, “You alright?”

You turn back to him and almost immediately jump into his arms, mouth open, a whole growing human between the of you, but still you are close. But still, you are kissing.

“Woah…” he huffs. “W-what…what are you…”

“Sorry,” you breathe out. “It’s nothing personal. I’ve just got a lot of blood rushing to a lot of different places and w-what?” you stutter because he’s caressing your face. “Y’know, it’s not like you can get me pregnant. It’s more like a…a favor?”

His eyes scan over your face and he nods, scoops you up in his arms like it’s nothing. “Yeah, okay, that makes sense,” and he carries you into his bedroom.

October | 18 Weeks

The greeting this week is different. In the past few weeks, there’s been a lot more casual texting. A lot of Matthew asking: Hey, how are you feeling today? Do you need anything? Do you have groceries? You appreciate it.

He walks into the waiting room a few minutes after you and you actually stand to say hi.

“Hi, you!” he pips and he gives you a big hug. This time, he is not so shy and he takes a hold of your bump in both his hands, leaning down to say, “Hi, you! What are you doing in there? Woah!”

“Ah,” you groan. “Yeah, kicking the shit out of me. lately. Don’t get her riled up.”

But he pokes at your belly again and those legs come back swinging. He laughs, “Oh, my god, that’s so cool!”

“Yeah, not so much when it’s the middle of the night and it’s directly on your bladder.”

“Oof. Sorry, I should be stern,” he leans down. “Knock it off, kid.” And the kid kicks back.

“Oh! Jesus. Okay, that was…bad. Keep practicing.”

He cackles, “I will.”

In the exam room, the technician asks, “Do you wanna know the gender?” The smile on her face tells you that she already knows.

And as you shout an enthusiastic, “Yes!” Matthew is shaking his head, saying, “No.”

And then there’s silence.

“What…” you chuckle. “What do you mean no?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugs. “I kinda just wanna be surprised.”

“Hm…” you furrow your eyebrows. You turn to the technician, “Well, I wanna know, will you put it in an envelope for me?”

This envelope is hand delivered to you at the end of your appointment and you hold it tight in your hands all the way out the door. You tear into it as soon as you step outside and Matthew shouts, “Wait!”

“What?”

“I don’t wanna know! Open it when you’re alone.”

“Okay…” you shrug, putting the envelope in your purse.

The two of you stand there, silent, avoiding eye contact.

“Fine, open it,” he says.

“What?” you laugh. “I thought you didn’t wanna know?”

“I don’t! I don’t. But-but you should know. Open it.”

You roll your eyes at him and take the envelope out of your bag, breaking the seal, flipping it open and showing absolutely no emotion. You rise and fall from the tip of your toes, biting down on your lip.

“Oh, c’mon!” he groans. “What is it? What is it? What is it? Just tell me.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“You positive?”

“[y/n]…” he whines.

You chuckle and turn the paper around to face him and his entire expression goes blank.

“A boy?” he whispers. Followed by, “Oh, my god, a boy!” Then, “A boy?” Finally, “A boy…”

You giggle and nod, “A boy.”

Halloween falls on a work day, after which you immediately come home to take a nap. You awake to find missed calls and texts from Matthew, the last of which reads: I’m coming over. You see this just before he rings your doorbell.

You answer and flinch, caught off guard by his costume. His makeup, the whole thing. “Oh…” you say. “You did say you were weird about Halloween.”

“Um, I don’t know if weird is the word I used but…here! For you,” he hands you a bag full of candy and you laugh, taking it from him.

“Thank you.”

“And…also, for you,” and he hands you a pumpkin.

“Oh! Thanks?”

“It’s the exact same weight as the baby. Weighed it myself.”

And your heart just kind of melts. “Aw…that’s so cute…” you hold the thing in your hands and look down at it. “Wow, what? No fucking way that’s in there.” you say in disbelief, holding the pumpkin level with your belly.

The two of you burst into laughter and Matthew sighs, happily exclaming, “Yeah, that’s him.”

November | 22 Weeks

Before your next appointment, Matthew calls you to ask if you’ll spend Thanksgiving with him in Vegas.

“Y’know, I told my family and-and they were…y’know shocked. But, they wanna meet you. I’m sure you already have plans but if you don’t…I’d really love it if you came with me.”

You sit in silence for a second. “I…I don’t have plans. I’ll go.”

“Really?”

“Oh, did you…want me to say no?”

“No,” he laughs. “No. I just thought you would. Um, well, okay, cool! Cool. I’ll book the flight.”

“Okay. Cool.”

Matthew meets you at your place the day before Thanksgiving, greeting you with a hug and a kiss on your belly. “Hey, you ready?”

“Yeah…” you grumble. “I’m all packed, just tired.”

“Want me to carry you?”

“Ha…ha…no, thanks.”

“I’m so dead serious. I’ve been lifting weights, gotta train to carry a baby around.”

“I’m telling you, this fucker is heavy.”

He laughs, “Yeah, he looks it already. Is there anything I can do for you?”

“Um…” you sigh. “Can you just carry my bags?”

“[y/n].” He looks you in the eye. “I was going to do that anyway.”

You get sick on the plane and the flight attendant gives you ice to chew and a cold rag for your forehead. Matthew is constantly rubbing your leg and fanning you with the safety booklet.

“Ugh, I’m so sorry. What can I do?” he asks.

“Will you be the pregnant one for a little bit?”

“Yes, if that’s what you need.”

His face is serious and you can’t help but laugh, “Fuck you.”

As you drive through the desert, you have to keep your eyes closed to feel peace. You only open them when the car slows down and you arrive at the house.

“Oh, by the way,” Matthew says as he shuts the car off. “My family thinks we’re together. Like dating.”

Your eyes goes wide and you shoot up in your seat, “What? What?” you yell.

“Look, look, I’m sorry! I didn’t know what else to say!”

“Uh, how about I got a little too drunk and horny on a Friday night and put a baby in someone? You don’t lie! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I…ugh! I’m sorry. I know, I know. I will tell them the truth, but not right now. [y/n], please.”

“No.”

“[y/n]…”

“No. Fuck you! How could you wait until we get here to tell me that bullshit? You’re insane!”

“Okay. Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry, let’s just, please go inside and I will fix it.”

“No.”

“What?”

“I don’t wanna go inside now. You pissed me off.”

“Oh, my…” he huffs. “[y/n], please.”

“No!” you cross your arms. “I’m staying in the car.”

Just then, his mom comes rushing out the house, waving to you both from the front door and you have to put on a smile very quickly.

“I will tell them,” he whispers.

“Oh, you fucking better,” you sneer, still smiling. “Or I will.”

You play along as you’re introduced to everyone. You tell them about yourself. You show them the most recent ultrasound, you pig out on all the food just laying around and somehow, along the way, you forget why you were mad.

Until you retire to bed and they have you and Matthew set up in one room. Then, you are pissed all, over, again.

You rush into the shower to avoid him and when you come back out, he’s laying in the bed.

“Hi,” he smiles nervously.

“Fuck you.”

“Okay.”

“Did you tell them?”

“No. I’m sorry. I will.”

“When?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Matthew.”

“[y/n]-“

“Matthew!”

“Okay. Okay. I’ll tell them now.”

“Yeah.”

Still, he lays there. “I…I pulled out your maternity pillow. All ready for you.”

“Get out the damn bed,” you grumble and he’s up before you lay down. And worse, he just stands there.

You roll over from your side, looking at him. He’s looking at you and his face pisses you off so you shout, “Matthew!”

“Okay!” and he leaves the room.

He comes back in after you’ve fallen asleep but still, half awake, you ask, “Did you tell them?” and you don’t even question it when he lays beside you, cradles you in his arms.

“Yeah, I did.”

“Good.”

And you fall asleep just like that.

Thanksgiving goes well, despite the recent news. You practically clear the table yourself because you’re eating for two and one of you is much greedier than the other. You meet Matthew’s dad, who spends the entire evening lulling you into security just to later pull the two of you into a separate room.

Here, the conversation gets legal. And while you were not expecting it, you’re grateful. You hadn’t thought of any of this. Custody, exchange schedules, schools, primary addresses, out-of-state trips. All of it.

His dad finally asks, “And what last name will the baby be taking?”

You say, “[y/l/n],” as Matthew says, “Oh, Gubler, for sure.” And the two of you just slowly turn to look at each other.

“Oh…” he dad says. “You two should probably discuss.”

That discussion lasts well into the night. Through the drive to the airport. Through the flight.

By the time you land, you’ve compromised. You’ll hyphenate.

December | 26 Weeks

Your next appointment is just over a week before Christmas. Matthew agrees then to spend Christmas Eve with you. Your family comes into New York just to keep you from flying yourself. When they arrive, your home is cluttered with boxes and pieces of the crib and a dismantled bassinet and bottles and boxes of diapers and wipes. Your baby shower was a huge success. You and baby boy want for nothing. But you’re big, you’re stressed, you’re aching and you can’t stop crying.

“Baby, let us put the nursery together for you,” you mom suggests.

“No. No, we’ll do it. It’s fine. I want to do it.”

“Okay. Speaking of, is your baby daddy gonna be here any time soon?”

“Yeah, he’s on the way.”

And as if on queue, Matthew walks in and everyone exclaims, “Hey! Baby daddy!”

Your sibling walks up to him immediately and says, “Love Criminal Minds, dude,” and you put your face in your hands.

Matthew gets everything stuffed into the nursery just for now so there’s more space for everyone to move around. He helps your mom with dinner and he doesn’t mind when they poke and prode into his life.

“So, baby daddy, what part of New York are you in?”

“So, baby daddy, is this your first kid?”

“So, baby daddy, do you think you might propose to [y/n] someday?”

“Baby daddy, what’s your net worth?”

And this is not an exaggeration. By the end of the night, he responds to baby daddy like it’s his actual government name and he confesses to you that it makes him uncomfortable.

Standing on your balcony, he wraps a blanket around you and rubs your shoulders, “Y’know, I understand the terminology, definitely. But…damn.”

You cackle, “Well..you are my baby daddy. We’re having a baby together, but were not together, but we have sex sometimes. It fits. Hey, I’m your baby mama!”

“Aw, well…” he sighs. “Thats sweet.” And he grins at you as you burst into laughter.

Your family leaves to stay at a hotel and Matthew stays to make sure you’re okay. You’re pretty fucking exhausted to be honest. So he tucks you into bed and runs his hand over your hair, “You need anything?”

“No. Just sleep.”

“Okay,” he touches your belly. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

When you wake up in the morning, your first thought is that you need to eat. You remember some sugar cookies that your mom had brought by last night and you decide to have them for breakfast. You walk to the kitchen and passing by the nursery, you almost don’t notice. Then, you stop in your tracks, tilt your head and walk backwards.

It’s done.

It’s done!

The crib is built, the dresser and changing table are assembled, the mobile’s up and running, the rocking chair is in the corner. Even the wall art you picked out is hanging up.

“Wh-what…” you stutter and then you march to the living room where Matthew is passed out on the couch. “Matthew!” you shout. Still, he doesn’t wake. So you rush over and shake him, going, “Matthew! Matthew!” and he jolts awake.

“What?” he takes hold of your hands. “What? Are you okay? Are you alright?”

“Yes. What…what the hell did you do?”

“What do you mean?” he rasps. “Oh…the nursery? Do you like it?”

“Do I…” you cut yourself off and run back to the nursery, where you wander around the room unable to focus your attention on just one thing.

Matthew follows behind you and watches you from the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest. “Well?”

“It’s…” you gleam. “Exactly like my pinterest board.”

“Of course it’s exactly like your pinterest board, I’m not insane!” he laughs.

You feel this peace wash over you and you hug your baby bump as you breathe out a slow exhale. You turn to him with a smile and he thinks you’re running to give him a hug. So when you all but tackle him, take him a kiss, push him to the floor, tear off his clothes, it all happens so fast.

When it’s over, you have no bottoms on and your head is laying on his chest. “I’m sorry,” you whisper. “I should probably stop attacking you like that.”

He chuckles, “No. Don’t. I don’t mind.”

January | 30 Weeks

Your appointments are every two weeks now. This is the time you expected Matthew to miss at least one, but he never does. He’s always there. Even when he’s not with you, he’s always there.

When your insomnia is at its very worst, he facetimes you in the middle of the night.

“Hey,” he smiles at the screen. “I knew you’d be up.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Insomnia still kicking your ass?”

“Every night this past week.”

“Ugh, I’m sorry, honey,” he frowns. “But since you’re up, I thought we could talk baby names?”

“Oh,” you say. You had forgotten about that. “Oh…right…names.”

“I know, we kinda dropped the ball on that one,” he laughs. “Now, it’s kinda a Gubler tradition that all the boys have the middle name Gray. Y’know, alliteration and all.”

“Oh..that’s…” Boring, you think. “Unoriginal. Can we compromise?”

“Well, I’m already compromising with the hypenating so I don’t know.”

“Oh, good g-“ you roll your eyes. “Sir, you hyphenated like 7 months ago, let it go.” And he lets it go. You add, “I like the name Lincoln. Link.”

“Ooh, no. He used to bully me in school. What about Silas?”

“Yeah, cause he’s a vampire? Veto. I like Noah.”

“Cause he’s building an arc? Veto!”

“Ugh.”

“What about Simon? Y’know I voiced him in the movie.”

You roll your eyes, again. “Yes. We know. Veto.”

Silence falls over the call as you both rack your brains for another suggestion. And like a domino, it naturally falls into your mind, “Theodore?” you shrug.

Matthew smiles, “Teddy?”

“Aw!” you squeal. “Teddy Gray…” you say aloud and then a tear falls from your eye and then you’re full blown sobbing in front of the camera. “Teddy Gray, that’s it. That’s his name.”

And Matthew is freaked out because he’s never seen you cry before. Ever. Not at the doctor, not in the nursery, he’s never had the pleasure of meeting your hormones face to face quite like this. “Yeah…” he chokes out a sob. “That’s it,” he wipes his eyes. “Fuck, why am I crying?”

“Oh, why would you be, you fucking freak?” you shout and he thinks it’s the funniest thing you’ve ever said.

Suddenly, your doorbell rings and it silences you, scares you. “What the fuck?” you whisper. “Is that you?”

“Nope. I had something delivered.”

“What? Right now?”

“Just a little cinnamon roll and a milkshake, but I can tell them to leave if you don’t want it?”

“Oh, my god,” you rush out of bed and immediately waddle to the door, “You’re amazing. I wanna have your baby.”

February | 34 Weeks

Your customized pillows and blankets have come in the mail. They all say Teddy and his baby book says it too. It is perfect. It’s your son. At your last appointment, he weighed about 7 pounds and you certainly feel every ounce weighing you down.

But for Teddy, it’s worth it.

For now, you’re still going to work and taking an afternoon nap for survival. Matthew jokes all the time that you can quit your job whenever you’d like. That he can take care of you both, just say the word. That was never the deal, but you appreciate it.

When you arrive home on Valentine’s Day, you’re just getting settled when your doorbell rings. You look through the peep hole and the delivery man is holding the largest vase of roses you’ve ever seen.

“Hi,” he greets you. “[y/n] [y/l/n]?”

“Yes,” you nod and take the roses in your arms. “Thank you.”

He hands you a tiny bag and you carry everything inside, setting them down on the table.

“One more thing,” he tells you and when you turn around, it is a teeny, tiny vase of snipped roses. The vase is personalized with the name Teddy.

“Aw,” you want to cry but you can’t do it in front of this random man. So only when he leaves, you let the tears fall and you set Teddy’s vase near in the window in his room. You leave your flowers on the living room table and take a small jewelry box out of the bag. Inside, are the most gorgeous pair of ruby pendant earrings and you audibly gasp.

The card accompanying it all reads: Sorry I can’t be with you and Teddy today, but I’m thinking about you both. I’m always thinking about you.

Happy Valentine’s Day, baby mama!!

M

March | 37 Weeks

“Any day now, [y/n],” your doctor beams, rolling the wand around on your belly. “How are you feeling?”

“Good,” you nod. “Excited. Scared. I didn’t give it much thought about how I was gonna get him out of there.”

Her and Matthew laugh, Matthew holding your hand like it’s No Big Deal.

“You’re gonna do great. You’re right on track for your due date, but it’s possible you’ll start feeling some contractions in the next week or two. If you notice them coming really close together or your water breaks, I want you to put that birthing plan in motion, okay?”

“Okay,” you and Matthew say in unison. It would’ve annoyed you before. Now you just smile at him because you think it’s cute.

Matthew escorts you back home and he’s hoping you’ll settle in and maybe rest. You don’t. You end up in the nursery, walking around like maniac. There is absolutely nothing to do. Nothing to move. Nothing to fix. Still, your brain tells you there must be something.

“Honey, honey,” he calls, taking you by the hand and guiding you to the couch. “Come lay down, please. Everything is all set.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” he laughs. “You’re just nesting, I read about it online.”

“Oh, you and your baby google.”

“There really is so much out there!”

You roll your eyes, smiling as he covers you with a blanket. “You still going to Vegas this weekend? For your birthday?”

“Oh, no. No, I think I’m just gonna stay in New York.”

“What? Why? I thought your mom was planning a whole thing for you? You can’t miss it.”

“Well, I don’t wanna miss Teddy coming either. I don’t wanna leave you alone like that. The doctor said any day now.”

“Yeah, but, she also said it could be well over another week before I start contracting.”

He sighs, visibly anxious.

“Hey, look,” you pull him into your arms. “I appreciate you wanting to be here, I really do, but I want you to enjoy your birthday and I highly, highly doubt this kid is planning on escaping any time soon. Plus, my friend will be here if anything happens so, just, go, baby daddy, we’ll be fine.”

He sighs, “Fine. But you’ll call me if anything happens?”

“I will call you.”

“Immediately?”

“Immediately!”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

March 9 | 37 Weeks and 6 Days

The eve of Matthew’s birthday, you get roughly four hours of sleep. You rise with the sun and sit in Teddy’s room, folding his clothes, piling them in his dresser.

You friend wanders in, having just woken up herself and she sighs, “What the hell are you doing, crazy lady?”

“Nothing.”

“This nursery looks like it’s straight out of Architectural Digest. There’s nothing else to do, why don’t you go lay down?”

“Why is everyone always wanting me to lay down?”

“Because you’re carrying a human maybe? Duh?”

“I’m fine. I feel fine. I need to check on the bottles and make sure I have the right sized nipples because I’m not sure…”

“[y/n], you have all the nipples in the world. The ones, the twos, the threes, the ones on your tits. It’s fine!”

“I’m just checking!” And as you step towards the kitchen, you suddenly stop in your tracks, grab onto your crotch in shock.

“[y/n]?” you friend rushes to your side. “What’s wrong?”

“I-I…I, um, I think I just pissed myself?”

“Wh-what? Pissed yourself or did your water break?”

You look up at her in fear, “Oh my god.”

“I’ll get the hospital bag.”

“Oh my god.”

“Get some pants and shoes on, dude!”

“Oh my god,” you repeat. “I-I have to call Matthew.”

So you do. You do. Just in the knick of fucking time, your name pops up on his phone and he quickly grabs his luggage and sprints off the plane that was doomed to take off any second.

When he arrives at the hospital, he bursts into the room at full speed, thinking he’s already missed everything. Thinking it’s over. He finds you bouncing on a birthing ball and you grin at him.

“Hi, baby daddy!” you huff. “Happy birthday!”

“Hi! Hi…” he walks up to you, takes your hands in his although you do not stop bouncing. He kisses the top of your head, “Are you okay? How far along are you?”

“Three centimeters,” you pant. “And I am not getting off of this ball until it’s 10!”

“Okay, well, you have to take a break at some point. Do you need some water?”

“Nope! Just need to bounce.”

You last, maybe, five more minutes and then you need to lay down. Except you can’t. Because your contractions are ridiculous and you can never get comfortable and you end up on all fours in the bed, crying and groaning.

And three hours later, you are only 5 centimeters dilated.

Matthew lays in the bed beside you, patting your face with a rag, feeling absolutely useless. “What can I do, [y/n]? Tell me what to do.”

You cry and squeeze his hand until this contraction passes. You pant, “Y-y’know…I’ve heard sometimes…when a baby won’t come out…p-people….sometimes…”

“What? What do they do?”

“They…y’know…”

He is still confused.

“Like!” you shout in frustration. “Like, what gets the baby in also gets the baby out!”

It clicks, “Oh!” he exclaims. “Oh. Will that…will that hurt him?”

“I don’t think so,” you shake your head. “But he’ll sure as shit get the message.”

And so, two fingers, ten minutes and six big pushes later, Theodore Gray [y/l/n]-Gubler is born. He weighs eight pounds, five ounces but he feels so heavy in your arms.

Finally in your arms.

Matthew, like a big baby himself, can’t stop crying. Can’t stop looking at him. Can’t stop kissing your face, “Look at him! He’s beautiful! You did it! Oh, my god, [y/n]! Look what you did!”

Teddy is truly the best birthday gift Matthew has ever gotten.

Two days later, you’re discharged from the hospital. Matthew arranged for a car to drive you home and he installs the car seat himself. He pushes you out in a wheelchair, despite your frequent protests, and gets Teddy buckled in. He then helps you and into the car before sliding in on the opposite side of the car seat.

You cover Teddy with his blanket and touch your fingertips to his face. He’s fast asleep, but this little grin forms on his face and the two of you chuckle.

“Hey,” you coo to him. “Hey, mister man, what are you doing? Huh? You…really don’t look a thing like me.”

Matthew cackles, “Yeah. Yeah, that seems to be the general consensus.”

He follows behind you with the car seat as you unlock your front door and lead them inside.

“Should we…I mean, do we just let him sleep?” he asks you.

“Until he’s hungry, yeah,” you nod, taking Teddy from his carrier. “Oh, hi…” you whisper to him. “Hi, mister man, you wanna lay in your bed? Hm?”

You place him in his crib and he doesn’t make a sound. Doesn’t make a move. Matthew plops down on the floor, legs crisscrossed and you sit right beside him.

“He’s so fucking cool,” he tells you.

You giggle, “The coolest.”

The two of you could stare at him all day. You will.

“Is it still okay if spend the night?” he asks.

You look up at him with a smile, “Yes, we’d like that very much,” and you put your head on his shoulder.

His kisses your forehead softly, saying, “Cool.”

[yuri-is-online]

I kinda wanna hear more about Azul! Yutu if you are willing

Very. He is long overdue for a proper post. I'm going to skip over some of the stuff that happens while he is in the bad future as I am a big fan of what Archivist has been writing, and would encourage you to look at their posts (here, here, and here) They've been a huge inspiration for this ayuu and finally gave Yutu some friends! I am really really attached to them and their dynamics with the various Yutus and might have written some stuff where they hang out but didn't post it because idk if you folks would be interested...

notes: they/them used for Yuu, for context on the fyuuture kid au can be found here and here. You can find even more stuff for it on my masterlist under the series section.

Yuu started removing mirrors from the house when he was around nine. They did so slowly, and Yutu had been avoiding them for so long he barely notices when their gone. It's not like he was born hating himself, he remembers playing with Yuu in the garden hose or the bath tub and feeling... happy. But that was when he was a little kid, he's almost double digits now he shouldn't be feeling sick to his stomach about this. It feels hard to walk some days, like his balance is wrong and his body is made of the incorrect material. It isn't normal for a kid this young to hate his own bones because it is the bones isn't it? They're hard until their not hard enough and he's stuck in a cast for the summer. Yutu tries to be grateful it's on his arm and not his leg, but it doesn't keep his mind off of things. He feels unwhole every time he tries to walk, and he has no words to express what's missing other than to say he feels unsafe. And it's hard to say that when he knows there's no solution you can give him for what he's feeling. If you could cut off your own limbs to make him whole you would, but then that would leave him just as alone wouldn't it? The last cost Yutu wants to pay to fix himself is the life of parent who loves him.

But that's what the price ends up being. And as he lays there trying to scream only to be rejected by the air he'd spent so much time wasting as his body churns on the floor into the form he'd spent so much time dreaming of he has to wonder why he ever thought the outcome would be different. He should have known that he was never meant to be anything other than alone.

Yutu was a chunky baby, and for the first bit of his life no one minded that at all. He was so cute, Yuu had a bunch of pictures of their precious baby boy and even though there were questions about how he came to be those were sort of shoved to the side in favor of cooing over his cute nose and chubby cheeks. But the cooing turned to concern when he started having some problems reaching his developmental milestones; it took forever for him to learn how to walk, even when Yuu helped guide him through the motions it somehow just didn't seem to stick. Talking was difficult, he'd learned how easily enough but he just preferred not to, wanting to communicate through noises and looks instead. Yuu would try to calm their worries and focus on how he at least slept through the night, but they never did get a solid opinion on why Yutu was so slow to learn from any doctor they saw.

His slow development cause Yuu to really focus on going over his lessons with him at home, it fosters a love of learning in him that evolves as he grows. At first it's very innocent, his eyes are wide with childlike wonder at the world around him and his smile is as bright as his eyes. "Unfortunately" (because it's not truly unfortunate that his parent can still afford to feed him) he's still a chubby little boy, and one who is missing a parent so he's an easy target for his peers to isolate and tear into. He feels like a beached whale, or a dried up octopus, his self esteem is severely hurt as is his outlook on the world. Yuu feels like they are seeing a familiar sight when their child hiccups through recounting his day as they desperately try to hold back their anger and think of a way to deal with this logically.

"Your daddy went through this too." Yutu blows into the tissue you hold for him and tries to hide his surprise. He's always eager to learn about his father, you wish you could think of more to tell him but the words you're saying don't fully feel like you are thinking as you say them. It's like you are briefly being possessed by someone else, just that the "someone else" is... yourself from when you were whole. "He was really hurt by it, and he was one of the strongest people I knew. So it's ok if you need to cry about how you feel."

"I dooon't want to feel." He pushes his face up against your chest like he's a baby again trying to soothe his nightmare against yoru heartbeat and you squeeze him as tight as you can. "I want it to stop, can daddy tell me how to make it stop?" Your mind screams that however daddy handled it must have been bad, it turns to look at someone, you can just see the outline of him. He's handsome, well put together and he's... worried.

"I don't want them to be scared of everything; suspicious,̸̮͉͓͔͎̭̜̦̽̄̆̇̿̈́̍̉̽͌̍̕ͅͅ ̶̰̙͔̝͕̞͍̭͙͕̇͆͌̋̿̌͐̂̿͘̚͝y̷̨̪̳̳͉̮͚̅͗͗̽̔̂͐͌̽͠ę̶̩̣̤͚͎͔̯̖̭͐̃̏̓͐̾͐̓̎̇̅̊͐̕s̸͚̖͙̗̣̩̼͎̼͇̝͂̿̉̌͛̈͜ ̴͔̟̤̩̗̯̦̀͐̄̽̊͛͑͋͊͒̓̕͝b̵̧̧̡̰̪̫̤͔͚͕̝̠̹͈́̀̈́͌̄͋̔̿́̕͘ǘ̵̢̼͖̪̱͖̼̼͎̲͈͙͆̀̎͌̍̎̂͐͗̇͌̎̊̚ț̶̛͖̹͚̾̆̂͑̌̊̕ͅ ̴̢̛͇͙̱͇̝̺͇̗̫̘̥͛̀͊̅n̸̢̥͕͗̓e̴͙̹̹̘̮̫̦͐v̶̡̡̧̡̛͓̮̝̺̮̜̳̠̜̅͊̒̄̔͂̋͋͋̊̔̈́͆͘ë̷̟̳̲̰̗͉̬̘̘̣̳̼͙́̑͜ŗ̸̳̹̺͔̦͔̮̖̔͆̊̈́͆̈̔̊͠ ̶̧̢̩̺̗̗̲̠̬̰͇̣̦̈́͑͜͜p̶̱̗͔͔͌a̴̰͓̎͂̅̓̈̎͝r̶̯̰̪̟̾̾̓̂̈́͆̈̀̒̓̕͠ ̴͇̖͉̯̖̞͍͐́͊͛̐̂̐á̵̢͎̙͎́͝ ̸̨̙̞̙̩̮̺̦̻̗̭̩͉̱̠̐̓̿͘ń̷̡̡̡̧̨̪̜͕̠͐̄̉̐͝͠ő̸̥̹̣̙͛̏̏̃̋̍͝͠ḯ̶͊̈́̉̑̚̕��̢̛͍͔̯̤̈̐͊ḋ̸̦̘̮͍͙̜͈̙͉͖̭͚̊͌͗̊̊̈̾̄͌ͅ ̵̛̛̠̫͙͎̘̣̘͕͗̒̈͒̓̅͊̔͘͝"

Yutu's silence brings you back to reality, he's mercifully fallen asleep against you and missed the aftershocks of your migraine. It's nothing new, but somehow this little scenario makes you feel that much more tired, and that much more alone.

I've mentioned it before but Yuu decides to enroll Yutu into martial arts classes as a way to help with his self confidence and the bullying. In my mind the end up doing it out of a worry that the bullying could get physical, and in the hopes that maybe Yutu will make friends with the kids in his class. It sort of works, Yuu enrolls them in a parent-child class and they certainly make some connections. Yutu finds some inner peace from the class, but his experiences at school make him very shy and keep him from truly opening up to the people around him. The friend groups he finds his way into never seem to fully accept him, a lot of it comes down to petty rivalries over sport and school. Yutu is smart sure, but he knows that no amount of talent makes up for hard work and he's a very hard worker. He's too proud to do something like throw a match or fail a test just for a little social acceptance, and not afraid to say as much.

That's not to say he doesn't want to be accepted, he does. He really deeply does he just doesn't think he could live if that acceptance was fake. Part of that, not that he ever tells Yuu this, is fueled by their descriptions of his father and of how much they loved him. If his dad was in the same position and found you then one day, he hopes, he'll find someone who accepts him too. And he'll make sure to stay alive and do all the little things with them they have ever wanted to do, no matter how out of his comfort zone or weird he finds them to be. Azul! Yutu is a bit of a hopeless romantic underneath his jock appearance, so he's one of the yutus that assumes his dad died in a tragic accident that left your memories in shambles. He's willing to fight people on that point, but Yuu made him promise not to and while he's fussy about listening to other people, he always listens to Yuu.

Which makes the trip between worlds that much harder on him. He might have been alone, but he wasn't exactly lonely. Not when he had a home to come back to and a parent who loved him, he could handle waiting for people who would accept him when he already had someone who did but now... It doesn't help that from his perspective he immediately does something stupid by getting put in Savanaclaw. Crewel already told him his dad was the dormleader of Octavinelle, that he was an exemplary student but not very... athletic so why would he be any different than anyone else. This isn't helped by the reception he gets from his dormmates. Yutu never starts fights, but he sure as hell finishes them and the amount of people left on the floor by the end of his first week makes everyone aware of that.

It earns him respect, and it would have immediately made him his first friend if he had been willing to take Sav at his word when he asked him to show him how he fought so well. Instead he insists on acting like Saitama and making the guy "prove" himself, something that Crewel watches from the sidelines with a weary expression. So his grandson wasn't lying, he really does take more after his dad than you.

He does not so much make other friends as they do make him theirs... two Heartslabyul students and an overly enthusiastic gamer from Ignihyde who sticks to him like a wet cloth and he hates the realization that he's worried about these guys. Sav, Thrush, Fiore, and... Mori. He loves these people. He hopes they never die, but everywhere he looks he sees omens. It hurts, he never knew he had three hearts or that he could fill them up with so much love that it wants to bleed out of him but he refuses to let it. He's learned that he's stronger than he ever thought possible, he'll squeeze a good outcome out of this, for you and for them it never had to be one or the other.

Traveling back in time and being separated from his friends terrifies him. Sav is always refusing to use his brain, what if he got lost because he decided not to read a sign somewhere? Fiore is a little shit and Thrush can't be assed to keep his brother in line what if they get thrown in jail and Yutu has to actively stop himself from thinking about Mori. The muscles in his chest go taut and he forgets to breathe until little black dots prick at his vision from all the ways things could go wrong for the self proclaimed "white mage of the FC party." The guy is just too much of a flight risk... he needs to fix this fast.

But does he? Having you alive again is like a dream, sure you're younger now and don't know him from a hole in the ground but he gets to see all of the memories he was so curious about. He's especially happy to have met Ace and Deuce, they remind him of his own Heartslabyul friends. His world feels a bit more full when he sits to eat a meal with you, guys who he guesses he'll probably end up calling Uncles at some point, and Grim. He's got mixed feelings about Grim, but the little guy really seems to like him now and it's funny to think about whether or not he's the older or younger brother. He's starting to remember what it's like to have a family again, speaking of which...

"Aww looks like you're a real dorm leader now ain't ya shrimpy?" Floyd's voice sounds fun, and it's all Yutu can do to keep from smiling. He instantly understands why Jade must have missed him so much, they looks alike but the difference in tempo is apparent from their stance and dress, and just looking at the younger version of his Uncle he can see how much more alive he feels.

"Pleased to make your acquaintance, Yutu was it?" Jade's smile suggests danger, he thinks the name is funny that's his guess. The glint in his eyes suggests he wants to tease, and Yutu prepares to make some comments of his own before he notices that his Uncle's attention is not on him but rather- "Floyd told us about your unexpected arrival," he has been avoiding this for so long he almost didn't see the familiar stranger next to Jade, the rest of his words are heard but not noted as he looks directly at his father for the first time. What a painful realization that is.

"Hey hey grouper, you ok?" Floyd's tone very much does not suggest worry but it brings him back to the present. Or would it be the past?

"Grouper? Might regret calling me that pool noodle. Yeah I'm fine, just surprised you came over here yourselves. I thought I was doing good keeping my nose where it belongs." Yutu swears Azul looks genuinely hurt for a second, but it disappears under his glasses and his patented grin.

"Well you certainty don't pull any punches do you?" If Yutu didn't know any better he'd assume his dad was... excited.

He is, he's very excited. Yuu is a kind hearted person and Azul loves them for it, but Yutu has some of that hater energy he knows he can work with. A second set of eyes on Yuu's world is just what Azul needs to win their ha- expand his business, so he keeps finding ways to talk to Yutu. He ends up learning a decent bit about him despite Yutu's best efforts: he's lying about his unique magic to catch people off guard when he uses it, he's not a muscle head nor does he take particular pride in his physique despite the intense amount of effort he puts into staying strong. It's interesting to watch the sort of things he likes to eat... sure a lot of it is healthy food but none of it is health food. That ends up being the first real conversation they have and it throws Yutu for a bit of a loop. It reminds him of that conversation he had with Yuu all those years ago when he was crying about being bullied. About how his dad gone through the same thing he did and suddenly his dad seems a bit more like a person and less like a shadow that's haunting him.

The way his dad looks at Yuu is breathtakingly soft. Azul is ambitious, talented, hardworking, and oh so desperate to impress that Yutu finds it hard to hear their doubts about the way he feels because he can see all of the signs clear as day about how Azul feels about Yuu. Uncle Jade's stories about how Azul was silly in his affections, the little ways he got excited when Yuu complimented him or how much of a show off he insisted on being around them are happening right in front of him and while he wonders about that little thing he always tried to avoid. The "could have been." Would his dad have agreed with Yuu's decision to enroll him in martial arts? Or would Azul have put him in a different school, would that even have been nessecary or would people be too afraid to make fun of his son? That promise Jade said Azul made to Yuu about never having to go hungry again... would he have kept it? Yutu never starved but he knows his parent did, what would Azul say if he knew? Would it break him? Would he even care?

These thoughts take a toll on Yutu. He can't keep pretending he isn't worried about his friends when he is trying to avoid thinking about his parent's relationship, and vise versa so he puts more effort into finding them. Thrush and Fiore are the easiest, they made their way to Craneport and established a base pretty quickly and are surprisingly not complete shits about him taking his sweet ass time to find them. Sav is though, the Scalding Sands is a long way away and getting him to Sage's Island proves to be tedious and expensive, of course he's going to complain and pick a fight when Yutu shows up again. He hates to admit it but it feels good to have his sparring partner back, it perks up his mood a tiny bit. But time beings to drag on with no signs of Mori, Yutu is getting more restless in his worries and clumsier in hiding where he's going. Sure he knows how to shake off a tailing eel, but an octopus? The only one he's ever known is himself.

Azul learns from his various contacts that Yutu has friends. He keeps his appearance under the hood, but his friend group is close and clearly working towards some sort of goal. None of the names he gets show up in any systems he has access to, Jade does his best to find a shred of evidence that these are people who exist and can't. It worries all three of the octotrio, this is a problem they need to get to the bottom of and fast. But before that can happen another one of those portals opens, this time outside Ramshackle Dorm while Azul is trying to spend some precious alone time with you. And the thing that comes out of it is terrifying.

The blot phantom is unlike anything Azul has ever seen, not in a textbook or in person. It's a misshapen mass of a person, clothing real but foul smelling and stained with ink.

"Use my phone to call the twins and get out of here as fast as you can." Azul doesn't like his chances alone, but he likes yours even less. You don't run, it brings just a bit of a smile to his face, but you still call Jade as Azul weaves ice around it's legs to try and keep it down. The monster howls squirming against the ice and screaming at him like he should understand what it's talking about. Azul tries to stare it down, tries to appear like he's a mage that belongs on the front lines and not a support. The best support but still, he's slow. Too slow to dodge the vine that whips out of the creature's back and speeds towards his heart but fast enough to catch the scream that tears from Yutu's throat.

"STAY AWAY FROM MY DAD YOU FUCKING PIECE OF TRASH!" Eight cosmic tentacles rip out of the ground and tear into the monster, Yutu's chest is heaving with the strain of bringing his full strength to bear as Azul pauses to collect himself. As Yutu finishes off the monster he goes over what he knows, looks at the boy in front of him and traces parts of himself in him and forgets his previous plans to expose him to Yuu as a fraud. When his child looks back at him, disguise knocked off and fear clear on his face the reason for the previous distance Yutu has been trying to maintain suddenly makes sense. Before Azul overblotted he was quiet. There's a similar quiet over him now, a similar look of tense surprise, but Yutu- no- his child doesn't know that. His child is looking at him in fear, in worry for his reaction or his safety he doesn't know but he knows the way those tears start to form. Azul knows the quiver of the lip and the shriek, of all the things he could have passed on to such a treasure.

"You deserved better from me." Because it's true. He might think of himself as a work in progress but he still thinks he has quality; he would have done research, read every book he could get his hands on, taken classes, anything he would need to do to be a good father, a worthy partner. Anything. "You deserved to have the world within your grasp, not whatever shadow of a future and a father I left you with. I am so sorry." He does not expect Yutu to grab him and hold him like he's still somehow worthy of his love, but Azul can't fight the urge to grab back, to stroke his son's hair and let the tears fall on his suit without any care at all. I'm here. It's ok, daddy's here, daddy's got you, he won't let anything happen to you.

Azul likes to make plans. He planned how he would confess to Yuu (it did not go as planned but he still planned it) and he has clear ideas about the future he wants to have with them. Yutu was already a part of it, he's dreamed of having somewhere safe and full of love to come home to since he realized what his feelings for Yuu were. So to see that dream come to life, to have it crying in his arms about how someone else corrupted it into a nightmare and stole what he'd worked so hard to earn- Oh Azul is a petty and vindictive little bitch once he has gotten his own tears out of his system. He's extremely proud of all the work Yutu has already done towards ending the bad future, and while he is disappointed that he didn't think to ask for his help he is understanding. If he was in Yutu's position he doesn't know how he'd react, but he could see himself making similar choices.

He insists on having a family dinner so he can get to know all of the real things about Yutu from him instead of just observing them. He wants the three (and a half since Grim's there too) of you to cook together and just talk before getting down to the sad business that's brought Yutu here. Some of it's instinct to feed his child, but mostly he wants to prove to his son that he's worthy of being his father. That you chose him out of everyone for a reason, something Yutu sort of knows already but he's wanted to have his father in his life for so long that he plays up his nerves just a little bit so he can be spoiled by him.

Azul's reach is long, and combined with the twins finding where Mori is should be much easier. What worries Azul is the bad future and the little information Yutu tells him about how it started. He's never had any real reason to doubt what he knows about overblots, or to distrust the Headmage, or to think Grim could kill him. But if the world ends the economy does too, and he is not about to die before he's achieved everything he's been dreaming of. His ambition is almost scary, but Yutu can't bring himself to be afraid. This version of his father is the nicest one he's seen yet, and if it means anything to anyone, he'd like to keep him just as much as Azul wants him too.

[deathbymas0chist]

`୭̥*ೃ 𝐽𝑎𝑑𝑒𝐿𝑒𝑒𝑐ℎ..!! +༉‧₊˚𝐹𝑙𝑜𝑦𝑑 𝐿𝑒𝑒𝑐ℎ..!!

༒ A/N : this is a continuation of this post here ft. Azul! I would recommend reading it first since it does give context about this, and it is mentioned a lot abt what happened previously! I have also felt really burnt out these past few months so I apologize for the long unannounced hiatus I took, but I feel more motivated now and I’ll try to get some more requests done!

༒Word count: 4.7k

༒ Summary: After getting a offer for working at Monstro Lounge’s VIP section by Jade, you agreed, thinking you were just going to be working as a regular waiter, but you were mistaken.

༒Content warning: afab! Reader , mean dom! Jade and Floyd , heavy dubcon , porn with plot , monsterfucking (Jade and Floyd’s mer form) , throat fucking , slight (?) asphyxiation , begging , overstimulation , edging , primal play , cum play , cunninglingus , exhibitionism , degradation , objectification , biting , double penetration , name calling (slut, whore, ext. ) , power play , size kink , dumbification , hair pulling , mind breaking , being threatened , people paying to watch you get fucked , reader being extra broke , this warning list is longer then my will to live.

Taglist : @otaku-explosion @stygianoir

Money has gotten especially right now since the last time you visited the Monstro Lounge. Grim had been complaining about the lack of quality from the cheap tuna you could manage to buy with the little money you had left, and you were getting sick of hearing his whines. You didn’t want to go back to work there when you had to entertain people by putting your body on display and losing your dignity in the process, but you were left with no choice but to go back. It took a toll on you the first time when you had just gone through what Azul did, all with the fake promise of gaining something to help you with your life, only for it all to be a lie from the very beginning. But after reading through his contract many times, and studying it over and over again, searching for any loopholes or inconsistencies, you found it to be airtight, with everything stated clearly and no false promises. It was with a heavy heart that you signed away your spirit, mind, and body over to them.

Coming back to the Monstro Lounge exactly one week later was the most nerve-racking decision you have ever made in your entire life. You contemplated just turning around and running back many times on your way to the place, but your legs just kept going as if you were on autopilot, bringing you in front of the watery gates of hell with every step closer. Taking a deep breath as you tried to calm your racing heart and prepare yourself for what was behind the door, you mustered up all your courage and what very little dignity you had left, you brought your shaky hands up to the door and opened them.

Your knees felt like jelly as you walked into the establishment. The lounge was filled with people, with servers rushing to take orders and the loud chattering of guests’ was making your senses more heightened as you felt overwhelmed by the number of people. All the doubts immediately rushed to your head, and you were already just about done being here only after about thirty seconds of entering. Turning back around, fully ready to run out the doors and never show your face around campus, you felt the weight of someone's hand on your shoulder, stopping you. You held your breath as the person spoke from behind you.

“Leaving so soon? That’s not a very good way of starting your first day on the job.” The sound of Jade’s smooth voice sent a shiver down your spine as you turned back, to meet his piercing heterochrome eyes. Your eyes immediately shot down, unable to meet his as you chose to focus on one of the buttons of his uniform instead. Exhaling a breath you didn’t know you were holding and swallowing the lump in your throat before trying to muster up a response to give to him.

“I-I’m sorry… It’s just– I’m just–” You were already fumbling over your words in front of him. You felt vulnerable in front of him. It was like you were already completely bare even though you were in your normal attire.

“No need for excuses. I’m sure Azul wouldn’t mind If the star of the show tonight just didn’t show up and made him lose thousands of thaumarks.” He interrupted with a slight tease to his tone and a sly smirk on his lips. Jade could read you like an open book. He knew how hesitant you were to come here. He was reveling in the fact he could feel the fear and uneasiness coming from you. Both he and Floyd always loved the feeling of a chase, the adrenaline rush, the blood pumping, the excitement, and he was feeling it all. He wanted to completely devour you right now, but he knew he had to wait just a little bit longer, as much as he didn’t like to play with his food. “But, if you don’t mind, I think we should get going, we wouldn’t want you to be late to your actual first day on the job now, wouldn’t we?”

You could only nod in response, not wanting to stumble on your words further. But as you trailed behind him, through the long hallways, to the back of the lounge, and up a flight of stairs, you remembered his words as the bitter taste in your mouth came back “late to your actual first day on the job” rang throughout your mind. The thought of selling your body, only to get cheated came back and suddenly it was like there was an anchor on your ankle slowly weighing you down. Before you could open your mouth to say something, anything to have one last chance of leaving, Jade stopped in front of a door.

“We’ve arrived.” He said, before turning the handle to the door and holding it open for you to enter. Your heart was pounding through your chest when you walked in and saw that Azul was already there.

Azul greeted you with a smug smile “Welcome to your first official day on the job, now that you’re finally here, I do hope you won’t be backing out now especially since our clients are eagerly awaiting you.” He said, handing you the same bottle of liquid he gave you last time. You hesitantly took the vial from his hands and downed it without question. He watched you with satisfaction as you finished it all, before continuing to speak. “I think you already know what to expect from last time, thanks to your employee training session, but before we start, any questions?”

You shook your head no, every question you had was already cleared up in the contract and you knew Azul wouldn’t possibly try and cheat you for a second time… at least, you hoped he wouldn’t. But you soon realized the absence of Jade, who had seemed to disappear the second you started to talk to Azul.

“Never mind I do have a question, where’s Jade?” His disappearance was off-putting, he had been quiet and reserved to himself the whole time as usual, but the whole time you couldn’t shake the vibe of something more menacing coming from him. Jade was always the one to terrify you more, because of the fact he kept all of his thoughts to himself you never knew what he was planning. Floyd was always the wild one, and you’d expect him to do something crazy, but Jade… He would plan everything down to the last detail.

“Oh he’s getting prepaid along with Floyd, they're both gonna be with you tonight.” He replied casually.

“Wait… what are they going to do to me?” The contract never said what they were going to do tonight explicitly, it just said a list of things they could do to your body.

“That's not for me or them to decide. It's what the audience wants, and that’s what they’ll get.”

“Oh… well, I guess those are the only questions I have..” You trailed off, still nervous, and slightly confused as to what he meant by the audience getting to pick what they want, but you decided to not question it, hoping it’ll be normal.

“Good, now let's get this show started, shall we?” He then turned around, motioning for you to follow him as he led you up another short set of stairs. You finally arrived where you were before as you stared down at the clear water down near your feet. Taking off your shoes, you tried to take deep breaths in to calm your nerves down one more time. On your third final breath out, you felt two strong hands on your back, pushing you into the water once again.

As you sank deep into the water you saw Azul through the crystalline waters waving at you, with a malicious smile before walking away. God, you felt as if you were fresh blood in shark-infested waters- well in this case eel infested waters. Trying to calm your hammering heart from your senses being in overdrive due to the surprise Azul had just given you, you closed your eyes and tried to get used to the cold water surrounding you. You didn’t want to open your eyes, too ashamed of yourself for putting yourself in this situation again. The cheers from the audience’s excitement from seeing you were loud. The blood pumping to your ears and the sound of them in the back was making you a bit light-headed.

Your moment of being alone didn’t last long though, as you felt something slippery start to trail up from your ankles to further up your legs, prying them apart. Your heart nearly leaped out of your chest when you opened your eyes to see Jade’s piercing gaze looking back up at you through your thighs. He only smirked at you before pulling down your skirt and panties in one swift motion. Embarrassed, you yelped and kicked, as you desperately tried to cover your pussy from the prying eyes of the people in the audience, and Jade as well. But before your arms could shield anything from the people, another pair of strong slippery hands grabbed your forearms from behind you, pulling your arms behind your back. You knew exactly who it was when a dark laugh came from behind you. You felt a shiver of fear shoot up your spine, as your blood almost went cold.

“Ahh, shrimpy~! You're finally here! Did you miss me? It was sooo boring here all alone without you!” Floyd said, leaning over your shoulder to whisper in your ear. He sounded excited to see you, but you let out a scream of terror. He let go of your forearms, letting his hands wander up into your shirt, feeling your body up and down while groping at your breasts. After getting tired of your restricting clothes, he decided to rip the uniform that you had been wearing off you. You yelped from the sudden aggressive act, making him let out a hum of satisfaction.

But while they were having their way with your body, you saw Azul walk out and stand in front of the tank, and with a loud voice, he announced “The voting will now begin! With two different rounds, please take out your phones and choose what you want to see happen to her, and remember, the one with the most money wins!” It didn’t take long for the votes to tally up, almost less than a minute later Azul announced what won the poll. “And now, with six thousand four hundred dollars on seeing the prefect getting face fucked while being devoured from the inside out! Please enjoy the show and wait for the next round to commence soon!” And with that, he walked off again, leaving the audience to await eagerly.

Whilst you had been distracted by what Azul had been saying, Floyd took the chance to move to where he had to be, quickly shifting himself in front of you and grabbing hold of a fistful of your hair to line your face up with the tip of his dick. The unexpected quickness of his movements caught you off guard, making you open your mouth to let out a gasp of surprise, allowing Floyd to shove his cock in your mouth. With a soft growl he gave you a warning, “If you bite, I'll bite back, hard.” And with that, he immediately started a fast rhythm of thrusts into your mouth. You didn’t have a choice but to go along with Floyd’s erratic movements. The feeling of his sharp claws holding on tight to the back of your head, bobbing it up and down as he continued to thrust was so dizzying. He was using your mouth as his fleshlight, and it was…exhilarating in a way?

It was a struggle to breathe, but you tried as hard as you could to inhale through your nose. Floyd’s loud grunts were heard above you as he kept thrusting in and out of you, His head was thrown back and his mouth was open wide enough to see his sharp teeth. You remembered his threat from before, you knew he wouldn’t be nice enough to spare you, so you tried as delicately as you could to hide your teeth through his vigorous movements. You almost forgot about the twin that was underneath you, due to the way you'd even breathe properly, and much less think.

Jade decided to make his presence known, as you felt a sharp bite on your inner thighs, dangerously close to your aching core. His teeth were sharp, sharp enough to break your skin and let out your blood, but he chose to spare you, for now at least. You had almost forgotten about how sharp his teeth were, due to the fact he always managed to keep them hidden. You let out a muffled cry of pain while Jade had a faux innocent smile on his face. “My, you’re not hurt already, are you? Humans are such delicate creatures…I wonder what it takes to fully break them..” His words dripped with condescension. You almost didn’t catch that last line, but he had muttered loud enough for you to hear. You almost wish you didn’t hear it though, knowing he’d do whatever it takes to find out the answer to that question.

And just like that, it was like something changed in Jade as he mercilessly plunged three of his long, thick fingers inside you like it was nothing. His pupils started to dilate once you started to scream, and when he saw how well your tight cunt was taking your fingers so well? He lost his composure. The feeling of your tight walls stretching around his fingers was making him lose his mind. His slick, webbed fingers started to plunge deep inside you, as he brought his mouth closer to your aching clit. His tongue swirled around your clit, experimentally flicking it on occasion to see if it would get a reaction out of you, and to his surprise, it did. You started to pant for breath, letting out little whines as you started to squirm for more. He was intrigued, to say the least. Could such a small bundle of nerves reduce you to this? You were rutting your core into him, desperate to get more of the feeling of pleasure. But, he wanted to find out another thing, if you were so sensitive to his light touches, what would happen if he were more..rough?

He experimentally grazed the edge of his sharp teeth against your clit, looking up at you through lidded eyes, carefully watching your expressions. Your face flashed with discomfort and anxiousness, as your thighs started to tremble around him. He wondered if such a small graze of his teeth could make you quiver with fear, how would you react to a more… merciless approach? He pulled his hand and mouth away from you abruptly, causing you to let out more whines at the loss of contact. He watched, amused, before bringing up his hands to your clit, only to roughly pinch it, not choosing to let go until you were writhing under his touch.

You cried out around Floyd from Jade’s grip, The Audience was split between looking at what Jade was doing to your lower half and looking at how utterly fucked out your face had looked from what Floyd was doing to you. His thrusts were so deep into your throat, they could see the outline of his cock. It was evident that he was close to finishing due to how your moans from around him were sending vibrations throughout his body. He quickened his pace, finally stopping abruptly and gripping your hair even tighter. You felt his surprisingly hot load shoot into your mouth, as he looked down at you with a happy look on his face. “Swallow it all, don’t let a single drop go to waste, ‘kay?” It was salty, but it had a surprising sweetness to it in a way, your throat burned when you swallowed, too sore to take anything else. He brought his hands to your jaw and gripped it tightly, forcing you to open your mouth to show him that you took it all. His smile brightened even more, “Now… what do you say after getting a nice meal?” He looked at you expectantly, awaiting your answer. It took you a second to recover, before barely managing to muster a weak “T..Thank you…” Your voice was shot, and your throat had burned even more from even talking, but it made Floyd satisfied.

After Floyd had finished inside of your mouth, jade had pulled away abruptly, causing you to let out a needy whine that you managed to surprise yourself with. His long fingers leaving your hole made you feel empty, so empty. You also missed the feeling of his soft lips suckling on your clit, leaving you throbbing and wanting more of what he was giving you. Before you could even beg for more, Azul came striding back in front of the tank once more.

“And that concludes the first round of the show! Now, may I please begin the next round of voting?” And with that you saw the people pull out their phones once more, choosing whatever sick thing they want to see happen to you next as if you were some sort of object and not an actual person. A minute had passed when Azul finally spoke up again after checking what had gotten the most money on the poll. “Now for the second round, with ten thousand five hundred! you get to see our dear perfect getting double penetrated!” Azul had sounded surprised when he read off how much he had gotten from the votes, but he quickly played it off before wishing the audience a good show before getting away from the tank.

After Azul had left, you turned to look at Jade and Floyd, and from the looks on their faces, they were not happy about having to share. Floyd scowled from next to you, pulling you in front of him by your forearm and away from Jade. “You know how much I don’t like sharing the same prey.” He growled out, baring his teeth at his brother. His hold on your arm was getting tighter by the second, you knew he wasn’t playing around when it came to sharing things.

Jade didn’t look so amused by his brother’s antics, letting out a scoff and rolling his eyes, “It’s not like we have a choice, both you and I had agreed to share just this once, so stop acting like a child throwing a tantrum and stop hogging her to yourself.” Jade said as he went to grab your other arm, moving in front of you. Floyd was about to say something else but Jade cut him off once more “Why don’t we make things interesting? Instead of just hogging them all to yourself, why don't we make this a little competition and see who gets them to scream their name loudest?”

Floyd seemed to like the idea of that, as his grip on your arm had loosened with a cocky smirk appearing on his face. “Fine. Just don’t get upset when I win.” And just like that, it was like another switch was flipped inside their minds as they both manhandled your body. Both their hands were groping everywhere, you didn’t know which hand belonged to who, and to be honest, you couldn’t care less, your mind was already unfocused and hazy, still recovering from what Floyd did.

As they both were groping your body, you felt their thick cocks prodding your entrance. You didn’t know how you could take both of them– or how it would even be possible. Floyd’s dick was much thicker than you thought it would be, you knew that from how your jaw was feeling close to dislocating to accommodate for how thick he was. You haven’t seen Jade’s cock yet, but you knew it would be similar to his brother, I mean, after all, they are twins. That thought made you even more nervous, you prayed to whatever gods were listening that Azul had put something else in that potion to make the pain more bearable because you knew they were going to completely break you.

You felt Jade slowly enter you first, you quickly noticed that he wasn’t as thick as his brother, but he was longer, a lot longer. The stretch wasn’t as painful as you thought it would be with Jade, and you were thankful for that until it was Floyd’s turn to enter you. He was bullying you with how mercilessly he shoved himself inside of you. Once they were both insides of you, they both let out a groan of satisfaction. Jade let out a hiss, while Floyd threw his head back once more, the feeling of your tight walls along with how they both were feeling each other inside you was too much for them, it was something that made them feel a way they had never felt before. You, Horsley, cried out Floyd’s name loudly once he managed to fit himself inside you.

From behind you, Floyd’s smirk grew, causing jade to become more irritated, making his scowl increase as he pulled out his cock, leaving only his tip, before slamming back into you without mercy. This caused you to immediately moan out Jade’s name louder causing the competition to finally begin. Both of their movements were in sync, as soon as one pulled out, the other would slam back in. You felt your mind quickly go blank, after a few thrusts from both of them, you felt your legs start to tremble uncontrollably, causing the only noises to come out of you to be barely comprehensible slurs of their names and a mixture of whines and babbles. You felt your senses being in hyperdrive as you clenched hard around their cocks, coating them with your cum. Your mind was completely gone and they had only just started their game.

The feeling of you cumming around them was addicting. The way you gripped them like a vice as your warm cream flooded them. They both could have come just from you cumming around them, but with their strength and stamina, they chose to hold themselves back, waiting to fill you up at the perfect moment. You were still riding out the feeling of your first orgasm when you felt a sharp pain shoot through your neck, the feeling of sharp teeth sinking into your skin once more made you let out a shriek of pain and surprise. You Felt Floyd’s smile against your skin as you hissed out of pain. You felt a little bit of your warm blood flowing out and into his mouth as he started sucking on the spot making you let out soft moans of his name. He then started to slide his hands down your body. One of his hands found one of your nipples, taking it as he started pinching and pulling. His other hand had trailed down further, this time finding your clit, drawing fast tight little circles on it, only adding to the painful pleasure you were feeling. Overwhelmed by the feeling, your arm had reached behind you, grabbing his hair and pulling it, trying to get him off you, or to make him gentler, but your attempts were futile as he started to moan against your skin from how you were making him feel from the pain.

Whilst Floyd had been sucking on your neck and busing himself with pinching and rubbing you, Jade had also started to play with your body too. He started to lightly graze his hands over your sensitive thighs, causing a trail of goosebumps to appear on your skin as you felt hyper-aware of his hands. He brought one hand up your thigh, then slowly started to reach behind you, grabbing a handful of your plush ass, and starting to grope it. As he did that, he brought his mouth closer to the soft, plush skin of your breasts, taking the other nipple his brother wasn’t playing with into his mouth. He started to lick and suck meanly, occasionally grazing his teeth over your nipple, like how he did with your clit. The feeling of Jade sucking on your sensitive nipples, along with Floyd’s fingers toying with your sensitive clit, was enough to feel like there were shocks spreading all through your nerves.

The view of you like this was worth every penny the people in the crowd had spent to see you like this. Even Azul watching the show in the back was feeling a little bit upset at the fact he’s not the one having his way with you like how the twins were using you. Everyone in that audience was seething in some sort of jealousy in some way deep down, wishing they were the ones making you feel the way you were feeling now, but no one could ever rival the feeling of having both Jade and Floyd Leech stretch and stuff you full with both their thick cocks.

Their thrusts had gotten more erratic, and the extra added stimulation on the other parts of your body was bringing you close to another orgasm, and you could tell that both of them were going to reach their peaks soon too. Your mind was gone once again, you were left with no thoughts, only left with the numb dull between your shaking legs and the nerves in your body going haywire. But you had been brought back out of your haze-induced mind by Floyd who had ceased playing with your nipple to grab you by your jaw once more, turning your face to look him dead in the eyes. “How about we settle this little competition now prefect, tell me, who fucks you better?” He demanded your answer

You didn’t have an answer for him. How could you? You were being fucked dumb with nothing on your mind, and they both were giving you an equal amount of attention to your body and they were fucking you at a steady rhythm. It also didn't help when you were on the brink of an orgasm and they weren’t letting up their thrusts to even give you a millisecond to breathe, much less think. You struggled to answer, only letting out broken moans and cries for them to keep going, and to let you release again, only to be cut off by a particularly rough thrust from both of them. They both thrust into you at the same time, reaching deep inside of you, flooding your hole with their cum. You came along with them, clenching around them even more and milking them for all they were worth.

You hadn’t fully recovered from the aftershocks of your orgasm when Jade had grabbed you by your jaw, now forcing you to look at him instead of Floyd. “I think we both deserve an answer to this, do tell, who fucked you better? You have to choose. If you ‘Don’t know’ then I can assure you, all of the extra tips you received will be going to Floyd and I instead.” You didn’t have any chances of escape, you were stuck in between both of them and you were pretty sure if you choose one over the other, it would be a bloodbath, either between you or themselves, or both.

“I choose…” And just like that, you felt the exhaustion take over you. You didn’t realize the adrenaline had worn off, making you more tired than you thought you were. You were unable to do anything but succumb to the feeling of drowsiness taking over you, letting your heavy eyes close and feeling your stiff body become more laxed. Maybe after another round of fucking you could decide, but for now, you’ll rest, feeling tired and content nestled between them.

[allwormdiet]

Extermination 8.7

In which nobody is happy and everything is pain

Wuh oh, the worst chapter of Taylor's life has just received a series of footnotes that provide further context, and none of them are making her feel any better

And now things are getting even worse

Hey Colin, looks like you've lost some weight, trying something new with the asymmetrical look?

Also I like how even Taylor's paranoid ass is like "no you know what, they didn't need to know Sophia was a superhero for them to fuck me over"

Really copping it up in here, huh you two?

This is bad for everybody. A supervillain who's taken explicit actions against the PRT and Protectorate has discovered the identity of a Ward, and a teenage girl is being surrounded and lambasted by adults who could make her life Hell with very little effort.

God, Birdcage would be nightmarish, especially with Lung in there probably nursing the mother of all grudges

Also, interesting that Taylor changing her mind translates to Armsmaster as her being a master manipulator and spinner of lies. There's no possible way that she stopped trying to be a hero because he acted like a gigantic asshole the second time they met or something.

Skitter has gotten the absolute worse perspective that the heroes can offer, so she's suffering a biased stance here, but even without that her anti-authority streak is way too strong to tolerate it for long

Don't throw a fucking shitfit, Colin

You're an adult, fucking act like one

Yaaaaaaay, the crew's alright and they're backing Skitter up, there's no way this immediately blows up

Grue is making himself look bigger in this moment, scarier, more authoritative. If I'm understanding right that means he's way on the fucking edge about all of this and feeling tense and a little scared.

Glad Regent got out of it with only some stitches, wonder if that cut is anything noteworthy or if he just got gouged by some glass or shrapnel or something

Bitch is handling things about as well as could be expected

Hey Tattletale, glad you're not dead

Oh boy!

Sophia would fucking lunge across the tent and go for the murder attempt then and there, I'm pretty sure

Also, Legend is technically right, insofar as Taylor has made a lot of situations more difficult by digging her heels in

Unfortunately, he would.

Look at her getting her little debut to the Protectorate leader

The greatest asset and weakness of the Protectorate: image

These people are about to get their shit rocked by a teenager with access to a PA system and I'm not convinced they didn't bring this on themselves

Also, love an ultimatum, very heroic

Tattletale you're so cool and real for this

We love an ultimatum, very villainous

Colin, you dumbfuck

I think the most damning part of this conversation is that Miss Militia literally doesn't have any trouble connecting the dots

There's the setup

And there's the knockdown. Armsmaster has once again been outplayed by a teenager, and now the best thing to do is probably to quit while he's behind

So of course he decides to double and triple down

Let's review facts here

Armsmaster is a grown-ass man who is really upset that a pack of teenagers are beating him

He has admitted, out loud, that he broke truce conditions and got villains killed in order to try and get a moment of glory

He knows full well that at least two of the Undersiders have killed before and may kill again if suitably motivated, such as, I don't know, finding out a teammate tried to betray them

So with everything in consideration

he throws a tantrum that could get a girl killed because of wounded pride

This hurts, a lot

Also hey early hint that Tattletale knows what's up

Panacea like "wow this girl is some kind of disaster, thank god my worldview guarantees that I'm way better than her"

Also Jesus fucking Christ what a way to end the chapter

Current Thoughts

God fucking dammit Colin, you could literally get a teenager killed because you had to throw a fucking tantrum over how you got your kill stolen and your super cool plan to win glory and recover lost pride got foiled by the common fucking sense of "you can't kill an Endbringer"

I know that isn't what happens, but hey guess what he doesn't know Taylor's story goes for another twenty-plus chapters, he's willing to roll those dice because his feewings got huwt

I hope they make him choke on whatever book ends up thrown at him for this

[kradogsrats]

I'd Do Anything (... But I Won't Do That)

This started out kind of weird and petty but then turned into an actual thing about the relationship of Viren's character arc(s) to the Arc 2 "I'll do anything for you" theme, because that's actually pretty important for the context of how both Callum and Claudia will have to confront the same conflict.

Pictured: Do NOT take a shot every time we get a callback to this line, you will die.

Basically, the petty part is that I think evaluating Viren's Arc 1 decisions through the "I will do anything for my family" lens is... disingenuous is too strong a word, but maybe simplistic? The "Viren doesn't reveal/offer the egg to save Harrow's life because he's too preoccupied with hanging on to his own power" take has never sat right with me because the real core problem of Viren is a lot more complex than just "he's lying (to himself)," it's a whole pattern of denying his own agency in doubling down on his mistakes. He'll make one bad/selfish decision, and it becomes a cascade of subsequent actions that he sees as being unavoidable, but that aren't necessarily even informed by the same reasoning or values as the initial decision. Like everything else in Viren's dream, Kpp'Ar's take that his choices are all oriented toward power is both accurate and not necessarily as literal as it seems.

Because, like... Viren's not actually a manipulator or even much of a planner—he's a very skilled opportunist. That's why all his choices wind up being based entirely on the context of past choices, and frequently make no sense when you look at them from a "hey buddy, where exactly do you think you're going with this" angle. It also contributes to why he's so desperate for control all the time, in that he acts primarily in a reactive way rather than proactively, which is always an inherently less secure position.

Pictured: The kind of statement that definitely always leads to things going super well.

Even taking the egg in the first place is a reactive decision—not that he doesn't make a choice there, or that he doesn't choose power over the threat he believes the egg poses, but he did actually walk all the way up the Storm Spire, fight five or six Dragonguard, and get kicked down a flight of stairs with the intent of destroying it. He didn't argue with Harrow about destroying it while secretly planning to take it for himself. He only even thinks of it as a weapon because Tiadrin planted the idea in his mind—as an opportunist, the temptation to leave an avenue to power open rather than close it off is what he can't resist. He sat on Sarai's last breath for ten years waiting for a chance to weaponize it to maximum effect, he can sit (figuratively... or literally, I'm not gonna stop him) on the egg for as long as it takes for an appropriate use it to appear. Tiadrin even specifically encourages that he not "waste" it, both specifically by destroying it now, and implicitly by using it too quickly and foolishly.

Pictured: Smart mom, dumb ass.

Tiadrin's angle, of course, is that the longer Viren hangs on to the egg without actually using it, the higher the chance it can be recovered. She doesn't know that Viren will leave things in a state where the assumption is that the egg was destroyed, meaning no one will think to try recovering it, but that's not really her fault and it still pays off.

The gamble Viren makes, on the other hand, is that the opportunities the egg affords will be worth the risk of it somehow falling back into Xadian hands. If the egg returns to Xadia alive, he's back to square "his name will be vengeance" in the game of We Killed the Dragon King. So yeah, you could say Viren values keeping the egg over Harrow's life, but in doing that he's actually operating largely on the exact same values and beliefs that made him argue for destroying it in the first place. It's just that his prior choice of risking humanity's security for the sake of potentially world-altering power has backfired in the context of an immediate and direct threat to Harrow's life. Really, the entire rest of s1 and s2 are him doubling down specifically on keeping the egg from returning to Xadia while also milking the opportunities coming from that course—e.g. the egg cannot go back to Xadia, therefore Callum and Ezran cannot return to Katolis either with or without it (knowing their goal is to return it to Xadia, which it will be difficult to stop them from doing once Ezran is king), and that means someone has to take the throne. If the egg can't be recovered, their only hope is a decisive first strike against Xadia, so someone has to mobilize the Pentarchy immediately. None of them are things he planned in the sense of "well, if Harrow dies then I can get his sons out of the way and make myself king, and then conquer Xadia." It's all reactive to the situation with the egg. You could argue that he'd do the same things if the egg wasn't a factor, like it's possible he's always been kind of lying in wait to push Harrow's sons aside and seize the throne... but if that was the case, he'd really do much better to make a bid for regent like any normal evil advisor would.

Anyway, all of that does still undermine the statement that he'd do "anything" for his family (which includes Harrow), and it is ultimately because of that initial choice he made to take the opportunity of power over the certainty of securing humanity's future. It's just not as simple as, "Viren says he would do anything for his family, but he won't sacrifice his own power and ambition." In the wake of his critical failure to prioritize humanity in destroying the egg, he's making choices that do prioritize humanity (from within his worldview that Xadia is an existential threat barely held at bay)... but they're still bad choices because they're all reactive to that original bad choice. It's not that he's working at cross-purposes to what he says his goals are, it's that he genuinely thinks digging his hole deeper will somehow work out positively, or at least better than the alternative would.

Pictured: Another statement that for sure indicates you're doing totally great.

Really though, I don't think you can (or are supposed to) look at the trifecta of self-individuals-world and point to one that Viren—or really any character outside of Callum, Rayla, and Claudia—puts at the top. Part of the whole point here is that elevating one of those at the expense of the others is never going to be the right choice all of the time. Obviously always putting yourself first is shitty, but we get multiple examples of over-prioritizing one of the other two as being self-destructive and dangerous. Consistency isn't supposed to be positive, here—a core part of this arc is likely to be Callum grappling with that, and that's without even looking at what's going on with Claudia.

The other thing is that "I will do anything for my family"-Viren is actually on some level a different character than Arc 1 Viren, such that evaluating one based on the context of the other doesn't actually make sense. We don't get even a hint of the "I would do anything for my family" in the series until s4, after Viren has died and been revived. Yeah, we had it earlier in the novels, but in there it's really about Claudia and her relationship with Viren, not Viren's values or actions. Arc 1 Viren and Arc 2 Viren inform each other as characters, but most of the point is the ways they aren't the same. And while Arc 2 Viren is understandably preoccupied with the concept of sacrificing for family—given that he's been stripped of everything that was in his life except Claudia, who went to terrible lengths on his behalf—Arc 1 Viren is actually quite consistent with how he's laid out in his Tales of Xadia character sheet:

Like, check out those Liberty and Glory statements—not even close to the same ballpark as Callum's "I value those close to me more than anyone or anything" Devotion and "I'm beholden to my inner circle, not some silly kingdom" Liberty, but quite accurate as the through-line on his s1-s3 actions. There's nothing in there about family, because Arc 1 Viren isn't actually meant to be associated with "I will do anything for my family," and he's not lying to himself by not acting consistently with it in Arc 1.

Arc 2 Viren is then a kind of emotional reboot back to a particular point earlier in his life—not necessarily the point before he first did any dark magic at all, but before he did his ill-defined "anything" to save Soren, which is implied in multiple places to be the point where he started in on a spiral that had tangible and fairly rapid effects on his personality and outlook. That's further emphasized by the contents of his dream in s5—seeing him behave in a genuinely loving and joyful way with Soren is shocking, and immediately raises the question of what the fuck happened and why.

Pictured: Healthy coping mechanisms.

Part of what still distinguishes Viren's "I will do anything for my family; however dangerous, however vile" from Callum's developing "I would do anything for you" is that Viren is always deliberately addressing the "things that are so unforgivable, you will never forgive yourself" facet while Callum leaves it implicit because he doesn't really understand and/or want to acknowledge that yet (and also Rayla would probably twist his nose again, which fucking hurts). In how Viren describes it to Terry, he is using that up-front acknowledgement to then essentially abdicate any emotional responsibility for... well, anything at all. The entire "however dangerous, however vile" mantra is another way of denying his own agency, because if he'll do anything, then he doesn't actually have to go through the difficult emotional process of making those decisions and dealing with the aftermath.

Pictured: H-healthy coping mechanisms?

Terry correctly pegs this questionable excuse for philosophy as "not having feelings," and generally not the best approach, because it will do things like lead to a default state of emotional unavailability to your children—oh, wait. I think it's not unlikely that Viren's emotional distancing from what "I will do anything for my family" meant contributed a lot to the degradation of it as his core value and his ensuing Arc 1 state. A lot of what's going on in his s5 dream is that he's being confronted with the consequences of "I will do anything for my family," specifically. He's being forced through an emotional speedrun of what it has cost him and everyone around him, and what has he got to show for it? Claudia, corrupted beyond recognition, proudly repeating his own words back to him.

Pictured: Whatever the opposite of daddy issues is.

Because the whole point of Viren's "I will do anything for my family" in Arc 2 is the challenge of whether he would/will do it all again. If he holds to that value the same way he did before, he'll do whatever it takes to save Claudia—however dangerous, however vile. Most of Viren's moral and emotional stuff has been based on his self-serving resignation to having "no choice." He's so tragically trapped in a chain of spiraling consequences he can never break... except oh wait, he totally can. S5 is all about Viren recognizing the dark magic feedback loop and that he has the agency to break it, and his best and only chance to avoid doing further harm to Claudia is to not be willing to destroy himself that way again, even it it means his death will cause her terrible emotional pain.

We'll see how that works out. Because let's be real: Claudia's gonna Claudia, regardless. However it goes, there's an important narrative precedent being set for both breaking free from dark magic/Aaravos and evaluating the "I will do anything for you" impulse in a more nuanced way.

[re--feminize-me]

hey yall, i was @re-feminizeme and unfortunately i cant log into my old acct on my new phone so i made a new one!!!

Mandatory disclaimer that transphobia in real life sucks and so does misogyny etc and i dont condone pretty much anything on this blog if its not in a consensual kink context, obviously. If this content triggers you pls block me.

loves

forcefem/feminization!!!!!!!

bondage esp shibari

brainwashing/conditioning/mind control

hypnosis!!!!!

breathplay

double penetration

edging & denial

being choked

likes

cnc (if in the mood)

breeding

bimbofication/dumbification

gaslighting/manipulation

spirals

being drugged (consensually and for the right person), esp. aphrodisiacs

degradation in very specific like, um, ways??? like um, i like sweet degradation.

exhibitionism but like um, im not like, TOOOOO into this its a minor kink for me

misogyny kink (which like, seems 2 be getting stronger lately fsr????)

curious about

lactation

hucow

consensual blackmailing

will update as i like, think of more???? if u think of anything not on this list ask me about it n like, it just may get added hahahahahaha

hard limits

findom/me

vomit

watersports/scat

cgl/ddlg/daddy dom anything

age regression

alternate personality stuff/anything related to that

feet

body shaming, esp weight related

weight control

racism/racist slurs/etc

any kind of incest including daddy/mommy as a title

ass to mouth in any capacity

rimming (giving)

I'm picky about who i like, chat with, um, but playing is a possibility if i like u 😳 feel free to send me asks/anons tho i always luv getting those ♡♡♡♡

_______________________________________________

some of my hypnotic triggers im like, willing 2 share publicly

dr*p and sle*p - some obvious ones, put me into a trance

deeper and deeper - makes me go deep real fast if used after dr*p and/or sle*p

throb - makes me really horny and makes my cunt, well, throb

edge esp in all caps/bolded - makes me immediately reach an edge and if im touching i HAVE 2 stop until the edge has passed

like a good girl - makes me want to obey whatever precedes it

submit/surrender - makes me feel very obedient n like, submissive

tr*th - makes my subconscious answer a question without my conscious mind being aware of it and i will immediately forget answering the question after

_______________________________________________

i occasionally make detrans/misgendering/bimbofication files (you can find them here!!) but im primarily a sub.

I've been listening to hypnosis for like 3-4 years and this is like, how ive turned out bc of it???? I really am detransitioning n becoming the best bimbo i CAN be irl this is not like, ENTIRELY a fantasy for me. ask me abt it??

my tits are like,,,, soooo big omg. last i posted abt them on my old blog they were a DDD/F cup and now theyre an i cup??????? i like, hope they keep getting bigger 😳😳

[kyliafanfiction]

Actually, really, now that I think about it in more detail, as much as I really loathe what Lisa does to Amy in the Bank, the truth is, if Lisa told Vicky about Amy's feelings for her then, if it was out and in the open between the two siblings...

Long-term, it's better for them both, I think.

It depends on how Tattletale actually tells it, like, specifically what she says, and also if she mentions the fact that Amy can do brains in that context. Also depends on just how many intrusive thoughts and temptations Amy has actually had to rewire Vicky's brain the way she does in Arc 11, and if Lisa picks up on any of that.

Now, I do think Vicky would be more upset hearing it from Lisa than from Amy (i.e. if Amy had come to her sometime, before this, and laid it all out, not that I think she ever would have without some kind of very potent or well-aimed external push) but I don't think Vicky would hate Amy over it?

Like, Vicky is Amy's #1 fan, I think, up until that critical moment. She loves her sister, and thinks of her as an amazing person, an amazing hero, etc. She might be some degree of weirded or even grossed out, maybe even uncomfortable with it, but she couldn't call Amy some sort of gross freak over it, wouldn't hate her, wouldn't like say 'stay away from me forever' over it?

At this point, Amy's done nothing to her, not acted on it... I mean, I'm not sure specifically what Vicky might try to do, because in part it depends on just how one interprets the level of crush Amy has on her. Is Amy just full on Vicky-sexual? Vicky-romantic? Some people still take it that way. Or is she just gay and just really in love with and attracted to Vicky? Is it just a super intense crush made worse by Amy's lack of friends or social life or any other outlets? Is it yandere-level obsession?

Certainly I've seen all those takes on it and more, and given what happens later on, plenty are content to assume full on yandere obsession. I'm not sure it's really quite that bad under normal circumstances (what happens during the S9 stuff is hardly 'under normal circumstances' after all), so let's assume it's not that. And let's go with 'Amy's Gay, but she's just in love with and attracted to her sister', for this thought experiment. No Aura, just - she's always been really attached to her sister (as the one source of affection at home) being socially introverted (to say the least) probably having a problem where people approach her wanting healing or cosmetic or w/e that makes her preemptively hostile to even those without negative motives, etc), etc.

I don't think she doesn't also love Vicky as a sister, and Amy sure would love to stop feeling this way about Vicky, she's just sorta given up on it because of... well, everything. As we see in Interlude 3, she's sorta close to giving up in general.

Like, there's a lot that Vicky could try - trying to find Amy a girlfriend would be A1, I think, at least in her mind at first, given the double dates pattern. Hopefully she might realize trying double dates given Amy's feelings towards Dean (which Vicky would have a better understanding of now) is probably not a good idea at first, but she might try for that.

I think she'd definitely push harder to get Amy to stop working at the hospital, not that that's all that likely to work, at least not so easily.

Obviously it's not like this is a magic path to mental health for Amy - even if she was willing to admit all this and more to a therapist, and I think it would take some prodding from Vicky to get her there, assuming Vicky even would, you'd need to find a therapist she could 115% trust. About all of it.

I don't think Vicky would tell Carol, though it is hard to say, as I can imagine circumstances where she might.

I do think Vicky would be a lot less inclined to take Amy to places or parties or w/e with her as a way to like, 'make' her socialize, because she might realize that that's still reinforcing the 'Vicky is my main social outlet' problem Amy has. She can't just force Amy to be social - that's likely why she wanted the double dates, and doing other stuff with Amy as a way to get her to have more of a social life (and probably figuring 'having Dean makes me much happier, getting Amy someone to date will make her happier!).

But it wouldn't be to the point of like, pushing Amy away entirely.

On her own, there's only so much Vicky can do to urge Amy to help herself, but the very fact that Vicky knows and doesn't hate her, and indeed, still loves her (as a sister) would do quite a lot, I think, to lessen the crippling/paralyzing degree of guilt that's always eating at Amy over this. Not get rid of it entirely, nor overnight, but... it would lessen it.

And with that being lessened, Amy's ability to actually try and her ability to muster the relevant emotional and mental energy to try and find a different social outlet, to maybe get help... maybe I'm just being hopeful, wishful thinking or whatever, but I think the odds of her attempting those things, and being successful, especially with Vicky giving her that push...

I think they're better.

To circle around back to Victoria herself - she's not gonna be thrilled to hear all this, I think. Definitely a little uncomfortable and grossed out, though hopefully she keeps that mostly to herself, at first (so as not to make things worse for Amy.) if Amy gets some therapy, so too should Vicky here. I wonder if Vicky might actually wonder if her Aura played a role, second guessing herself and all. She might actually blame herself for not noticing Amy was gay sooner, for not seeing what was going on, for not trying harder to get Amy other social outlets and thus continuing to let Amy only have her, etc.

That wouldn't be fair of Vicky to herself, but I don't she's incapable of that sort of self-attacking perfectionism. She is Glory Girl, after all, her whole power schtick is about the illusion and aura (ha!) of invincibility and perfection and if nothing else, she's Amy's big sister, she's supposed to be there to help her and all that, and she might feel like she completely failed.

Any road to Amy getting over her feelings for Vicky and getting to a place of better mental health is a hard one, and a long one. It's not simple, nor is it something that would for a particularly... dynamic fic, per se, but -

As much as it pains me to admit, one place where that road starts, one of the few places it could from a specific onscreen canon moment, is here, at the bank, if Tattletale had actually not held her tongue, if she just had kept talking a bit more.

[fountainpenguin]

BigB and Joel Secret Life Ep 1 commentary:

lskdfj BigB charming Scar and then telling him that he only wants him for his diamonds.

Jimmy: "Your challenge is to get someone to fall in a hole, right?" BigB: "You in particular. You're right on time." Jimmy: ":'D??"

BigB making Jimmy turn around and then hiding under a ledge and you can hear him trying to muffle his giggling...

<3 Sharing gold with Grian, the sweetness of Grian chirpily calling him "B" when he comes around the corner. BigB all "I'm going to get a very nice iron chestplate like you." We love chill secret soulmates hanging out.

The incredible amount of gaslighting BigB does this episode, it's just... It's SO much funnier seeing this from his POV, because originally I thought he was just being secretive because he was still under the oath. But no, he's freed from his secretkeeping requirements... he's just Like That for no reason. crying.

BigB: "If you want to use the secret tunnel, just ask." Grian: "??? I did ask? You said no?" BigB: "I changed my mind." Grian: "WHAT??" BigB: "That's all you need to know." Grian: "What."

skldjf it really does keep going. This was in Grian's POV too but I can't emphasize enough how much funnier it is knowing BigB is free to reveal but just... won't.

Scar: "Are you the one who made the big hole?" BigB: "No." Grian, losing his entire mind because they just had a conversation about the hole like 30 seconds ago: "?!?!?" BigB: "I didn't do it. There is no hole here." Scar: "... I went down and there's an enormous hole here." BigB: "I didn't do it. It was Jimmy." Grian: "????"

Love them.

Hold on hold on hold on. BigB, are you seriously dropping "My base is going to be a corridor of doors" with no context and you're just brushing past that like that doesn't sound unnecessary and insane.

His base is so creepy, he's just got double doors all the way down the wall slkdfj. He wants to run an underground hotel. No one is making him do this. This is a death game. BigB, what on earth?

---

?????? Joel's task was to find the worst time to plug Life series merch? I like how he read that and immediately refused to plug merch for the next several minutes. There's not even a penalty for plugging it appropriately, he's just stubborn.

Joel screaming and running towards a baby zombie while spitting the fastest possible Life merch promotion and taking random swings and covering his screen with big moving Sale stickers and blinky text and explosions... He understood his job.

Lizzie @ her husband: "My heart is worth more than a porkchop and a feather."

Lizzie, within earshot of Joel, who is a beaten-up porcupine after taking 4.5 hearts of non-regenerating damage while protecting his wife from skeletons: "Thank you, Pearl :)"

"Screw tools."

I'm very excited Joel made a big deal about assigning his water bucket to his 9th inventory slot "for the rest of its days," because I know I had a moment in one of my 'fics where he mentions he has a preferred placement for his water bucket but I couldn't be bothered to watch back and see if that was true sdljkf. This works great.

Already pointed this out in my Etho POV commentary but <3 Joel meandering up to Etho like "Remember Boat Boys? Surely that's worth a heart." / Etho: "You own my heart, Joel."

I enjoyed the dramatic music he played while building his fence

"Nighttime is pretty good to get people in inappropriate situations." Joel???

Joel, screeching and flailing and trying to kill multiple creepers that he personally lured in: "Make sure you buy the merch, Mumbo!!! Just make sure you buy it!!" / Mumbo: "???"

Joel getting back up to 30 hearts for about .5 seconds before dropping back down... Poor sad boy.

Spider had an effect so that's probably our full moon night; good to know for my "full moon strengthens mob hybrid traits" fanfic worldbuilding. In Double Life we normally had the full moon early in the week so maybe we'll have it pretty late in this one?

Joel ripping a flower away from two bees that were using it

Lizzie: "Fabulous behind!" / Joel: "???"

sdlkfj Martyn's despair when he falls off Mumbo's house and takes damage is somehow so much funnier from Joel's perspective... he sounds SO brokenhearted

I appreciate how Joel suspected Impulse's task was to get other people to put cherry petals / cherry saplings in their base so he immediately tried skewing this to his advantage by requiring payment

I will be interested to see if the players end up calling people out on their tasks or not, because there were definitely a few times tasks seemed pretty obvious (like Lizzie's poem) and there doesn't seem to be a penalty for calling someone out incorrectly. I wonder if they're just playing nicey-nice for now. Will be interesting to see if they start turning each other in later in the series.

[in-g-major]

ATLA Unpacked: Kataang is Reactive, not Constructive (Part 2)

(Part 1) Still no Kataang in sight (B1:E11 - B1:E13) As of B1:E10, we've been given no text or subtext which demonstrates Aang and Katara having a romantic bond. Beyond that, all of the romantic subtext involving Katara has been with three boys other than Aang, and Aang is completely uninvolved in all three dynamics. With this in mind, we can dismiss the argument that Kataang was an integral part of the show from the beginning. This will continue for another few episodes, until we come to our first instance of bringing romance into Aang and Katara's relationship The Fortuneteller (B1:E14): Strike One This is our first Kataang episode, and it doesn't put us off to a good start. What seems like a fairly innocuous episode about young love has some serious problems in terms of romantic agency and sexist double standards. So we establish Aang as now developing a crush on Katara with another shot of her from his POV.

(Oh hey, Aang made Katara a necklace! It disappears later in the episode because it wasn't really important to anyone involved) Now this does make sense in terms of Aang's perspective. Aang is young and this is probably the first time he's had these kinds of feelings for anyone. He already has a rather idealized view of Katara as established in B1:E1. However, in the context of how Katara has previously been depicted in her interactions with Zuko, Haru, and Jet, how she's depicted in this shot is a step backwards. Those interactions gave her agency and depicted her as the wonderfully well-rounded character she normally is. Here, by contrast, we're seeing Katara an an ideal, not as a person. One image alone can't fully explain what I'm getting at, so let's proceed through the remainder of the episode. Once we get Aang's new perspective on Katara, something immediately presents itself as an obstacle: Katara simply doesn't see Aang the same way.

Sokka: Smoochie, smoochie, someone's in love! Katara: Stop teasing him, Sokka! Aang's just a good friend. A sweet little guy. Just like Momo. Aang: Thanks. Putting my own personal annoyance with this trope aside, it creates a serious disconnect which hinders communication between Aang and Katara. With this disconnect, the problem of Katara seeming less like a character in the context of her relationship with Aang only grows. Already we're only seeing Aang's side of this anyway. After some shenanigans involving a stranger in the woods who tells our young heroes of a fortuneteller named Aunt Wu, they go and see this fortuneteller. The one most excited about seeing Aunt Wu is Katara, which could have been the setup for a story about a character flaw we've already seen from Katara: she doesn't have much confidence in herself. - In B1:E6, Haru encourages her to take credit for helping him and his fellow earthbending prisoners stand up for themselves after she downplays her role in the prison break. - In B1:E9 she's insecure about her lack of waterbending skill to the point of getting quickly upset when Aang learns techniques faster than she does. - In B1:E10 she's easily wooed by Jet's charisma to the point where she becomes naive about any possibility that he's not what she thinks. Despite not being fully honest with her, Jet does encourage her to have faith in herself, which she later uses to turn against him. What made those episodes with Katara and the dark-haired boys in her life compelling was seeing Katara overcome various challenges and develop in her journey of becoming a remarkable young woman. Before we come to how "The Fortuneteller" backtracks on Katara's character arc so far, we experience something extremely revealing about this episode's contradictory approach to Aang's one-sided crush.

Everyone, say hello to Meng! She's Aunt Wu's assistant, and her only purpose in this episode is demonstrating that someone in the writers' room realizes what's wrong with the Kataang dynamic but can't stop the powers-that-be from going ahead with it anyway. There's a term I haven't used yet but is extremely relevant to both this scene and the POV shot of Katara: the male gaze. Put simply, the male gaze describes how women and girls are often depicted in stories written from a male point-of-view. Since ATLA fits the category of an action/adventure fantasy aimed primarily at boys aged 12-16, written and directed mostly by men, we can easily apply the male gaze as an analytical tool here. So from Aang's POV, we get an extremely idealized view of Katara rather than the more complex reality of her as a person. From Meng's POV, we get what's framed as an idealized view of Aang, but what we see is far closer to who he actually is. The double standard is extremely telling, and more than a bit concerning given how the episode ultimately turns out. Moving on, the first member of the Gaang who gets their fortune from Aunt Wu is Katara, and it establishes a pattern for the remainder of the episode. Katara becomes dependent on Aunt Wu's predictions, even going as far as asking whether she should have mango or papaya for breakfast.

(Mango >>> Papaya) Having Katara be this gullible isn't automatically a bad thing. Again, the show has already established that she struggles with confidence in herself. Had the episode gone in the direction of having her realize this flaw and work to overcome it, it would have been far better. Let's head over to our young airbender for a bit.

The prediction Aang gets from Aunt Wu mentions nothing about love. Seeing Aang's reaction to this, Aunt Wu concocts a platitude to help him feel better. Once again we get a double standard: compare what Aunt Wu tells Aang to what she tells Katara. Aunt Wu (to Aang): Well, look! I must've missed something. Right here. It says "trust your heart and you will be with the one you love." Aunt Wu (to Katara): I feel a great romance for you. The man you are going to marry. I can see that he's a very powerful bender. Aang is given a message that encourages him to be proactive in finding the one he loves. Katara is told whom she will fall in love with, and simply accepts it. This double standard is only reinforced when our heroes save Aunt Wu's village from being burned down by a volcanic eruption after Aunt Wu incorrectly predicted that the volcano would not threaten the village.

Aang: You didn't really see love in my fortune, did you? You just told me what I wanted to hear. Aunt Wu: I'll tell you a little secret, young airbender. Just as you reshaped those clouds, you have the power to shape your own destiny. For all the many problems with "The Fortuneteller," I do find Aunt Wu extremely relatable. Besides my own experiences in customer service, I've befriended two middle-aged Asian American small business owning women in my life. Now I can't watch this episode without thinking of them. Her being voiced by Tsai Chin, a veteran actress with an incredible career, is a huge bonus. So, what revelation does Katara come away with after this awe-inspiring experience?

Sokka: Man, sometimes I forget what a powerful bender that kid is.  Katara: (surprised) Wait, what did you just say? Sokka: Nothing, just that Aang is one powerful bender. Katara: ...I suppose he is. Not only is Katara much more confused than enthused by the prospect of Aang being the one Aunt Wu predicted, both in the way she's drawn and in Mae Whitman's delivery, but we're ending this story with no indication of how she feels about Aang other than him being a friend and "sweet little guy." She had an obvious crush on Jet, who was quite a different type both physically and in personality. Nothing we've seen from Katara so far indicates a mutual attraction to Aang, which ultimately makes her nothing more than a "prize" in Aang's "quest" to win her over. If you think later Kataang focused episodes rectify this, I have some very bad news. What's especially frustrating is "The Fortuneteller" could have been an easy setup for Katara learning more about what kind of boys she's into and seeing Aang more in a romantic light over the course of the episode. Them actually interacting and becoming more aware of each other's feelings would have kept Kataang from being completely insufferable and sending a pretty lousy message to its young viewers. Piling on the insult to the injury is that there is a truly good message within "The Fortuneteller" which is ultimately ignored. Until now I haven't commented much on Meng's cute but ultimately shallow crush on Aang because all that's worth addressing is how it's established and how it's resolved.

Meng: You don't like me, do you? Aang: Of course I like you. Meng: But not the way I like you. Aang: Oh, I guess not. Meng: It's okay. It's just really hard when you like someone, but they don't think of you that way. Aang: I know what you mean. Meng: She's beautiful, by the way... that Water Tribe girl. I can see why you like her so much. She's sweet, she's a bender, and her hair seems so manageable. Aang: Don't worry. You're going to meet a great guy who's going to completely fall for you. I know it. Now this is good! It brings up what having a one-sided attraction feels like and gives a positive example of resolving it. There's no vindictiveness, or jealousy, just Aang being as reassuring as he can. It's not just a good message for ATLA's target audience, it's something relevant to people in later stages of life too. This could have also been a great setup for Aang realizing later on that the advice he gives Meng here is just as relevant to his relationship with Katara. Alas... In conclusion, "The Fortuneteller" sucks. I didn't even get into the most misogynistic moment in the episode, which is the underage slut shaming from Meng that destroys her wonderful moment with Aang earlier. Ultimately it's a symptom of the lousy romance tropes which plague this entire episode and undercut what could have been a good story. Easy fix: have this be an episode where Aang and Katara discover feelings about each other they didn't anticipate. They're given conflicting advice on their romantic prospects by Aunt Wu, and they help each other resolve their respective dilemmas. Aang helps Katara become more independent and not simply depend on everything Aunt Wu tells her. Katara helps Aang not be so anxious about deciding his future and instead allow things to happen more "naturally." By the end they begin seeing something "more" between them, and it teases the possible beginning of a love story. As it stands, B1:E14 contradicts Katara's established characterization, ignores her romantic agency, and sets a very bad precedent for how Kataang will be handled going forward. Fortunately, Kataang is no longer relevant to the remainder of Book 1, so next time we'll skip right ahead to Book 2. Get ready, because this is where the story puts Kataang through a stress test it's absolutely not prepared for. Related Meta & Additional Reading - Romantic subtext in "The Fortuneteller" by marsreds

[izzysillyhandsy]

Prince Ricky and Izzy Hands - WTF actually happened there and why?

Yesterday I was rewatching the finale with my first-time-OFMD friend, and she was absolutely baffled by Ricky shooting Izzy with his own gun.

In her words: "Nobody took it off him, that's not realistic! That's impossible, totally impossible, I can't buy that, you don't just forget a gun on a prisoner?!?!?!?"

And on my first watch I thought the same thing (as we all did), and then forgot about it a bit, but now I want to speculate. Because WHY did that happen?

The easiest explanation is, of course: Ricky needed a gun and it doesn't really matter where it came from. The writers didn't think it was important and neither should we.

But I'd like to expect a bit more from this show - I remember that I was taken out of my immersion quite a bit by this obvious "mistake". Ricky is a hostage who was just about to kill every single pirate we know - and nobody notices he's armed? And he's led through the enemy lines by Izzy with only a small knife to his back?

If Ricky still has his gun, that means that they took his sword but noone thought of searching him properly (and to really rub it in, Ricky is shown cleaning his gun in an earlier scene). The gun also seems very accessible later, so it probably wasn't even hidden well.

So why didn't the writers have Ricky take Izzy's (or Black Pete's) gun? I know Izzy almost never carries a gun (which is interesting in itself), but they were all in Navy uniforms anyway. Why not take the weapons too? Or have Ricky stab Izzy with a hidden knife (in a way that the other characters won't notice, like with the gunshot, presumably)?

Or was the whole thing actually deliberate? In a "it doesn't really matter if you take it at face value, but if you look closer there might be another explanation" kinda way?

(that was a really long introduction to what I'm actually here for, I'm sorry)

Who actually searched Ricky and took his sword? Was it the same person who stayed next to Ricky during the cool dressing up montage? Who led Ricky through the woods?

(Hint: it's the guy who's always in the background when these 2 are kissing)

Of course we have no proof that Izzy searched Ricky, but I think it is very probable.

Izzy had just been talking to Ricky. He'd been sitting next to Ricky when he was knocked out.

Izzy had just deeply insulted and provoked Ricky and made himself the spokesperson of piracy - "It's about letting go of ego for something larger." - "Kill me. Kill us all. Our spirit will last throughout your entire fuckin' empire." - thereby almost goading Ricky into killing him.

And then Stede presents his nebulous plan we never actually hear, and Izzy (why Izzy?) is put in the most dangerous position, right at the frontlines leading the hostage. Did he volunteer for that?

And are we really expected to believe that Izzy wouldn't double-check that Ricky was unarmed?

I really don't like where this is leading, by the way. Because the explanation that makes most sense from a Watsonian perspective is that Izzy either didn't mind or actively wanted to be killed/wounded.

The show went out of its way to portray Izzy as older, wiser and more resigned in the last 2 episodes - he looked like he'd aged 10 years in a few days, he moved around slower and seemed to be in more pain (and groaning when sitting down, etc.). Also, he seemed to have made peace with everything and everyone, and he seemed... tired.

(I know he's just been shot here, but he just looks exhausted)

I think there might be a possibility that Izzy let Ricky keep his gun because he did want to go. Stede's "It's only suicide if we die!" sounds almost to fitting in this context. Izzy might have thought that the one conversation Ed needed, the one where Izzy could set Ed free, could only happen on his deathbed (as I said elswhere, Iz and Ed are closest in life-and-death situations).

Or (and this is what I choose to believe until S3 comes around), Izzy took Ricky's pistol while he was unconcious, took the bullet out and faked his death to set Ed and himself free. He very pointedly doesn't want Ed to see his wound, after all (Ed: "It's not even that bad!"). If it's only about the deathbed absolution, and removing himself (and the spectre of Blackbeard) from the situation, Izzy doesn't actually have to die, does he?

This also fits with the song played over the end sequence, panning to Izzy's grave:

And don't speak too soon For the wheel's still in spin And there's no tellin' who that will be namin' For the loser now Will be later to win For the times they are a-changin'

Yeah. A bit too conspiracy-theory-like maybe. But it was the first assumption my friend made - 5 seconds after the scene: "The gun can't have been there by accident, that's just stupid. Oh no. Did Izzy arrange that? Did he really want to die for Ed?" and I thought - you know what? That was my first thought as well. I just immediately dismissed it for being too dramatic.

So, either Izzy is the most reckless, stupid and negligent pirate ever (which he obviously isn't, quite the opposite) - or he trusted the person who (badly) searched Ricky (oooh, new conspiracy theory - it was Ed! Sorry.) - or there was something else at play.

OR

...maybe it was just lazy writing after all.

[the-voldsoy]

My current thoughts about Remnants (pod), as of ep10

(a disjointed list of theories, thoughts and opinions that have been bouncing around in my head and need to put down somewhere. A lot of this will likely be disproven when e11 comes out.)

(under the cut because there's a lot)

First of all, Sir. I don't think he knows what he's supposed to be doing, really, either. Or rather, he knows the what but not the why. He might be afraid, and that might be for a lot of reasons. It might be for what they're doing together, it might be for A. It might be something else entirely.

I also have half a theory working right now that Sir was either made with the First And Last Place[which I will be calling TFALP from now] (has always been there, doesn't remember anything from before or why), or was a previous Apprentice. In this case, he could be lying to the Apprentice so that he doesn't try to replace Sir in turn.

Sir is not human, we know that. He might have been, once, but he's not anymore. He seems to have some sort of magic(?) that can make A forget things, and possibly has wings (flapping noise in e6). He also may-or-may-not be something of a biblical angel, in the sense that his true form cannot be comprehended by A without his mind exploding.

The Apprentice. He is there to give (unbiased?) judgement about something he doesn't understand. That is his purpose. His memory is wiped every time he gets too close to understanding what TFALP actually is, although it is unclear whether it is because Sir has an ulterior motive or just because A's mind can't handle it all. I'm leaning more towards the "understanding TFALP causes eldritch madness" idea though, it makes more sense with the evidence we have.

It is possible that neither Sir nor A are actual people, but rather constructs made by a larger force, or simply just concepts given bodies

The code of capitalised letters from the episode captions so far is: HE IA M OR EOR LESS MST HAS ILTOT [spaces separate episodes]. The only clue we have been given is a picture of 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner from Eira. I think this means that it will be able to decode/be separated into words in multiple ways, rather than the words themselves having double meanings, but I have no confirmation for this.

However, I also think it's multiple different codes(?), being separated by every time A is "reset". (look, just hear me out).

The "HEIAMOREORLESS" part came ep1-6, and the "new" A is shown in e7. If we take this as a separation point in the code, then this part reads "He I AMore Or Less" (Am, more). This would make sense in the context of the show itself and other clues we've been given.

But the next part (ep7-10) can't be put into any obvious words (yet). "MSTHASILTOT". This needs to be decoded differently, possibly with an actual cipher.

I don't know, we don't have the whole code yet so it shouldn't make any sense yet so I'm probably completely wrong but you see my point I hope?

So far the morse code reads: Apprentice / reshelve or discard / the question / is not what / it may / first / / appear to / be if indeed / it appears / to be /

I reckon the next parts will say "anything at all". Not a huge theory or anything, I just wanted to guess. However, this does tell us that there is more about "Reshelve or discard" than is immediately obvious. I have so many thoughts about that though, it needs its own post.

The TL;DR of what I think right now is that yes, it is reincarnation, but it's not clear which option makes the person in the Remnant reincarnated -- I think it's the discard option, because reshelve implies that the ones on the shelf can always be moved around but the discarded ones are gone (living a life?).

I am not confident in that though

But if that is the case, then which is worse?

I haven't thought about it very much yet, but all of these Remnants are going to be connected in some way, I just haven't figured out why. It could just be that the show is more fun (on a meta level) when you have to break out the red string, but the fact that Sir seemed to have some sort of investment with e6 makes me think it's more than that.

Or, rather, what was so important about e6? Why did he care so much that A read it? Did it reveal too much too soon, or did Sir have some sort of emotional investment or involvement with it?

If Sir has an involvement with some of the Remnants implies...I don't know what it implies to be honest. That he was a person once? That he does, in fact, feel emotions? That he has read the Remnants? We already know he seen all the Remnants, he's told us that outright, and he says he doesn't remember "the way that you [A] do" (e10). Is Sir God?

That sounds like a joke but I am making faint connections in my mind ok I'll explain that when they're clear enough to see

I think it would be kind of cute if Sir just sort of...went to a jumble sale and bought a bunch of trinkets, and that's why they're all related

Someone in the Discord said those dust-sprite-things might be discarded Remnants also. That doesn't help my theory at all I just wanted to mention it because those Dust Sprites and the letters from e6 and TFALP itself all mean something but I don't know what

When I was reading through the e6 transcript, I forgot that A says he thinks there's something else in there with them. Not sure if he meant the Dust, or TFALP itself, or the Remnants, or something else entirely, but it does intrigue me.

If it is something else, it could be an antagonist of a sort. There seems to be something working against Sir, creating the "paper trails" and showing A e6, which Sir was not happy about. But why was Sir not aware of it happening? He acts as though he should have seen it?? Could it have been left there by A previously, as a clue so that he could try and remember and find answers again?

Why does Sir care so much about A? He apparently has to regularly erase his memories, would it not be easier to get a different random person each time? The fact that it's always the same person makes me think that A was created for specifically this purpose, but he also seems more...human? than Sir, understanding sarcasm and jokes and empathy and that sort of thing. Is A supposed to be a representation of all of humanity? So that he can be a fair judge? Sir does say that A always has the job (e7)

And Sir says that "Things will not change, not until I see fit" in that episode. This implies that he has some level of control over TFALP and the Remnants and how it all works. So the question is, why? Why can he control it, why is it how it is?

Or maybe Sir cares about him because of familiarity, he's gotten used to and fond of A being around, he doesn't want to have to replace him. But that then raises the question of why he kept him around to start, before he got used to him, and it circles back round. Maybe they were both human, once, and they knew each other, and now only Sir remembers for whatever reason.

[loderlied]

ok wait one more song rec that doubles as a question (and rambling)

ive been thinking a lot about what kind of music Gortash would like, ive been thinking prog rock (all the layers) but i especially think he’d like roxy music and brian eno. (glam rock with a jazzy flair, cheesy and pretentious but in a fun way, very methodical at times)

sending this as an example because it has a very film noir theme to it *points at detective zeke* i also think he’d like roxy music’s 2HB, or their cover of eight miles high

https://youtu.be/CRnaYJcTd5c?si=hotIexbAjbkn2eaA

so the question: what music do YOU think he likes? what about zeke?

AH that one‘s so cool thank you!!!

but i also see gortash as one of those people into things like religious choir chanting, classical instrumentals, the opera, and so on haha. (and my way by frank sinatra. somehow i feel it in my bones) there, like this

i think he can play the organ in his room, and quite well, as everything he sets his mind to. his excellent memory sometimes even allows him to play with his eyes closed and so on.

but i think he ultimately sees song and music as something for him. a formula to express and extrude power. music has been a way to worship for aeons and i think he likes to claim that worship. i mean, he literally kidnaps a woman and transplants her brain into the slack-skinned head and makes it sing for him occasionally. a form of art, an expression of people’s many strong ideals, emotions, and life experiences is of course something the machine would like to conquer/‘devour’.

the greatest song of all, the screams of enemies & especially his archnemesis zeke, still follows that same formula, but in an elevated position. ‘the woman trained for it will never sing as sweetly as the bird born for it’ he’s addressing his favourite opera singer here. the bird being zeke, obviously. that’s true song.

zeke i think likes music that comes from the heart. loud, wild, unpredictable to the point of improvisation, expressing emotions and so on. zeke actually plays the violin! his play i think is extremely unusual and carries his ferocity in it with every tune. again, all improvised on the spot.

that aforementioned opera singer & also owner of an entire opera house, annya spiritpetal, is the reason zeke picked it up in the first place. she was one of his first clients and she, similar to zeke in his detective work (but not too similar since she was trained for nothing else since birth, unlike zeke using his natural talents) was considered a child prodigy in her field and despite zeke not really caring for her, she looked out for him occasionally. eventually even asked him to play in the background during her shows for her. zeke does not like crowds very much and he only really did it because she always promised him access to places in higher society whenever he needed it for a case, but she always made sure that he was accommodated very well. so, context for that sentence above? gortash ruins one of these violin performances by simply appearing. zeke is extremely paranoid, sick and just generally mentally unwell at this point in the story because of him and annya would never have let him play if she saw the state he was in, so gortash. ahem. prevents her from attending that evening & doing so, having her arrested for the access she provided for zeke and punishing her transgressions against gortash this way. (again song is for him, and especially zeke’s, whose true song she isn’t even capable of bringing out. this eventually leads to her becoming that singing brain in the slack-skinned head when they meet again years later btw.) what does gortash do at that performance exactly? absolutely nothing besides watching on the highest and best seat available. but zeke spots him in the audience immediately and his paranoia gets the better of him. how does he know about this? why is he here? he has something planned for sure. and after his play reflects the mental state he’s in, he stops after and just fully freaks out, like sobbing, screaming, falling to the floor levels, in front of thousands of people while gortash conducts the finest of the finest melodies.

gortash also actually makes him play a duet (on a violin made out of zeke’s body parts too) with him once, but the song is composed after zeke’s screams of pain from the first time gortash scarred zeke, with his piano part being sort of the ‘inflicting’ power in the piece.

oh my god. i am uh. sorry. this got so long.

[femme-from-hell]

𓆩♡𓆪 More Lupin III HCs 𓆩♡𓆪

More Thoughts On Lupin & Co. (This one is a little long)

lupin is super picky about his coffee and WILL get pissy if he doesn't get it how he likes it.

Fujiko made Lupin coffee for the first time along time ago after their first night together when they started their little situation-ship and Lupin has drank his coffee like that ever since.

Fujiko drinks energy drinks and Lupin is repulsed by them. Lupin caught her drinking one but she’ll deny it until the day she dies.

Jigen drinks his black because he can't handle too much caffeine. (for context, black coffee has a pretty low caffeine content for those who don't know.)

Lupin was a track and field kid. As seen in the events in Lupin Zero -sorta spoiler warning for those who haven't seen it-, his dad wanted him to live a normal life, so he convinced his son to do something normal kids do to get his energy out rather than stirring up shit. Lupin was reluctant but fell in love with the sport.

Jigen has really pretty hand writing but Lupin’s is shit, so Jigen writes all of Lupin’s cursive calling cards, but Lupin signs them. Sometimes Lupin just makes Jigen write things for him when he doesn't need it because he just really likes his hand writing.

Lupin likes drawing doodles on all of his notes, letters, etc. Without fail, Lupin's papers are littered w drawings of him, his friends, sometimes Zenigata, or whatever treasure they're after.

Zenigata doesn’t cook often, nor is he the best at it, but he really enjoys doing in nonetheless.

If Lupin doesn’t get his ‘beauty sleep’ he just turns into a full blown bumbling idiot, like I’m talking walking straight into door frames, tripping over his own feet, all of it

On top of that, if someone interrupts his sleep, he gets incredibly pissy and short tempered.

^^Jigen kept blasting opera over the radio once in the hideout, resulting in Lupin being woken from his nap. Without even a second thought, Lupin rolled over on the couch, shot the radio, and rolled back over.

Lupin has A LOT of scars, it comes with the territory of nearly dropping dead with every job he takes on, and he uses his skills as a disguise artist to cover them up because he feels self conscious about them.

I feel like he's a perfectionist so he would see these scars as reminders of how he could have done better or could have done more.

Fujiko is a big spoon and you can pry this thought from my cold dead hands.

Lupin has a little collection of those 3d puzzles, even rubix cubes, and he fiddles with them to keep his mind working during stretches of travel or when he can’t think

Both Goemon and Jigen have tried to use said puzzles out of curiosity but got frustrated when they couldn’t figure them out

Because Fujiko rides motorcycles a lot, I like to think she has a lot of automotive knowledge and has tinkered with the Fiat once or twice.

Lupin doesn’t let her near it often because she isn’t afraid to sabotage the car if she plans on double crossing them.

Lupin is great with kids, but is incredibly irresponsible. He isn’t a big fan of dealing with them but once he’s got attached to them, all hell breaks loose. He is the kind of person that if they asked for ice cream for dinner he would absolutely respond with “WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT”

Goemon rarely sleeps on missions, in part because he always wants to be alert but also in part because he sleeps like a rock. Like, if a shoot out fight started right over him he would be snoring on cloud 9.

Goemon tried smoking like Lupin and Jigen once but he coughed everything up for a solid minute and hasn’t touched another cigarette since.

Lupin will borrow Jigen’s suits once in a while when he needs to tone down the color a bit but Jigen refuses to touch Lupin’s stuff with a ten foot pole no matter how much Lupin insists he would look good with a pop of color.

Jigen has perfect pitch, which is one of the main things that plays into his taste in music.

Lupin has trash taste in music, like absolutely horrid and he is banned from touching the radio in the car or the portable one on look outs.

The gang will regularly play cards together, and of course Lupin, Jigen, and Fujiko are cheating but Fujiko will actively sabotage Jigen and Lupin if Goemon starts losing really bad. Goemon knows how to cheat, he just refuses to.

Based off that one McDonalds commercial with Goemon ordering ahead on his phone, I like to think that when he discovered he could order food over his phone he went a little nuts ordering his favorite food from the local Japanese joint down the street. Like, I'm talking several hundred dollars worth in a day.

Lupin and Fujiko aren’t the best at apologizing when they get into a fight with someone, but I like to think that when they try and apologize, it's sorta just a thoughtful gift they’ll slide to the person they were arguing with.

Lupin has never once forgotten Pop’s birthday and leaves him a little something every year. It's never anything stolen because he knows Zenigata wouldn't accept it if it was.

Lupin’s fur coat from his green jacket days (the one he was wearing in TWCFM) was one of the first extravagant things he bought with money he stole.

Lupin writes everything down, he’s the kind of person when presented with a riddle or a puzzle, he needs to do a hand full of scribbles that only make sense to him and then he’s got it solved. More specifically, he writes in his grandfather’s journal he found in the movie Blood Seal of The Eternal Mermaid.

Lupin has a pretty high pain tolerance but when he so much as gets a small cold, he’ll moan and groan about it.

Yikes, this got long! But I still have so much more, what is a little guy like me to do! Guess ill just have to actually post more rather than just rebloging stuff at 2 am...

[fenrisisms]

the lovely @lastlightinternet tagged me in ye olde six song soundtrack for my ocs, presumably to cause me lasting psychic damage but unbeknownst to them i'm the Sound of my ocs Guy. so anyway they picked some guys and i made some soundtracks. i was really unwell about this. some of them escaped containment and got seven songs, even. i even annotated the playlists. enjoy.

i'm not tagging anyone specific but if you see this and you want to have a crack consider yourself tagged by me c: i linked all the songs on youtube but everything is available on spotify as well if thats more ur speed.

RIVA AMELL -

1. an event that defines their past: knock me down - youngblood hawke [circle. enough said.] 2. how they see themself: i was born, i have lived, i will surely die - young guns 3. how others see them: don't stop me now - queen 4. their closest dynamic: see you in a bit (i still care) - teen jesus and the jean teasers [in the context of origins i think many of his closest relationships are in a state of change and he is at a point of disillusionment with them & struggles to accept that he can be hurt by the actions of people he loved and trusted and still hold that love for them. many such cases for him, mostly people he knew in the circle.] be that as it may - herizen (the get down soundtrack) [the natural conclusion to the aforementioned arc. to me] 5. fight scene music: if u seek amy - britney spears 6. closing credits: blackbiird - beyoncé ft tanner adell, brittney spencer, tiera kennedy & reyna roberts

EIRA MAHARIEL -

1. an event that defines their past: o death - amy van roekel & jeff grace (until dawn official soundtrack) 2. how they see themself: labour in vain - mac the knife [she is depressed and angry but she has a job to do so she can't really care about all that rn. but she does <3] 3. how others see them: smile - wolf alice 4. their closest dynamic: physical - dua lipa [the way this absolutely does not fit on this playlist but it is The eira x alistair ride or die dynamic mental amv song to me. personally. also kind of doubles as a fight song to me because the play on physical (boinking) and Physical (beating the shit outta somebody with ur boyfie) is fun. to me.] 5. fight scene music: raise hell - dorothy 6. closing credits: i hope you dance - lee ann womack

BRONSON COUSLAND -

1. an event that defines their past: second chance - shinedown [there are not a lot of songs about your whole family being murdered by a trusted family friend. so mostly for the twins i did this based on their mental state Before That.] 2. how they see themself: broadfields - young guns 3. how others see them: i won't back down - tom petty 4. their closest dynamic: he ain't heavy (he's my brother) - the hollies [bronson is more shaped by bryant than the other way around so he gets this one. everything he does in origins is for the good of his brother. even some of the more bonkers things. he is not coping] because the night - patti smith [i had So many bronson/zevran songs in mind. ultimately this one made the cut because the Sound of it just works for the emotions they evoke. guys who remember the will to live together.] 5. fight scene music: gimme! gimme! gimme! (a man after midnight) - abba 6. closing credits: a beautiful life - dorothy

BRYANT COUSLAND -

1. an event that defines their past: caught up - chapel [this one stumped me for the longest time because So so much the cousland murder drives his whole character arc but uh. this sums up where he was Right before that pretty well!] 2. how they see themself: landslide - the chicks 3. how others see them: changes - david bowie 4. their closest dynamic: romeo and juliet - dire straits ["hey i know ur husband just died and also we had a screaming affair breakup like 10 months ago right before i was presumed dead but is now a good time to talk about getting married" is basically the same thing as "you and me babe, how 'bout it?" right? anyway bryant x anora song.] 5. fight scene music: holding out for a hero - jennifer saunders (shrek soundtrack) 6. closing credits: that's life - t-pain (live from the sun rose)

KATARI ADAAR -

1. an event that defines their past: rest in peace - dorothy [again there are not many songs that encapsulate the exact circumstances of her background and i refused to put a six60 song on this playlist so this works well enough <3] 2. how they see themself: missile - dorothy i like it heavy - halestorm [at this point i was just like there are So many dorothy songs in this lineup. i should throw something else in there. so i did. but i couldn't get rid of the other one it works too good] 3. how others see them: we will rock you - in this moment ft lzzy hale, marina brink & taylor momsen 4. their closest dynamic: black sheep - dorothy [inside her mercenary company that i invented from scratch are her chosen siblings so. this song is about them and their dynamic <3] 5. fight scene music: enter sandman - rina sawayama [this was so hard for her because so many of the songs on this playlist could double as fight scene songs. so for the last two i just picked songs that Sonically vibe since the lyrical heavy lifting was done earlier LOL] 6. closing credits: poison - starbenders

SYRACUSE TREVELYAN -

1. an event that defines their past: fuyu no hanashi - given (given soundtrack) [contextually this song is about grieving/moving on from a dead lover but without knowing the full nuances of the language it's vague enough that it COULD work about a dead sibling. see the vision] 2. how they see themself: towers (on my way) - young guns 3. how others see them: now come on now (mell hall remix) - KYE ft mell hall 4. their closest dynamic: if i fall you're going down with me - the chicks [again. many such bull x syracuse songs vying for the title but this one is just So funny and exactly how syracuse approaches that relationship. if he's experiencing love for the first time so are you. bitch.] 5. fight scene music: 365 - charli xcx 6. closing credits: this hell - rina sawayama

[zeravmeta]

whining about personal irl introspection stuff

since my friend groups mostly consist of trans peeps it always has kind of wormed its way into my head my own thoughts abt my gender and stuff but like for my whole life ive always been pretty comfortable as a cis dude and like for the most part despite growing up with very traditional parents ive also never really felt pressured to like follow the same gender roles they have like my parents are basically the one foot in the door type where like if for whatever reason hypothetically i come out as trans and gay double whammy them my dad whose a pretty Mans Man type of guy would still love me but i know he'd think that he did something wrong (out of ignorance not malice he would absolutely maul someone if they made fun of me) vs my mom who would also be accepting but it would become the next hot topic of her friend groups gossiping and neither are malicious but ive also seen them make themselves suffer over their own gender roles (men do this v women do this) and like i honestly think the reason i dont put much stock into gender as a concept is because most people focus on the roles aspect of it and even with my best efforts ive never really deprogrammed that out of them but honestly above all else im lazy as hell and wont impose more arbitrary rules like that onto myself so when i say im cis im not cis plus im like cis hasnt touched the personalization settings and forgot the login and ofc this would also bleed into ideas like romance and sexuality with aforementioned roles and when it comes to romance this leads more into my experiences with my asshole brother who would always be bringing girlfriends and bragging about being a sex beast but he could never hold onto a relationship and was always dumped and cheated on multiple times (and with modern context and Adult Brain i know its likely because he was a fucking asshole) while my parents would always argue but theyd also been together for 35+ years and wouldnt trade each other for the world so neither of those would be a good reference point for romance but this one also came down to me Not Really Caring where I wouldn't mind a romantic relationship if it happened and im p sure if I liked the person enough to where said stage of romance would even be happening i would invite it but im also not really agonizing over it and can be pretty comfortable being without a partner and on the sex side of things this one is a little weird because ive also Not Cared about it however i know I do have desire for people so im not ace and when it bleeds so intermittently with the romance aspect i just kind of assumed i was ace for a while in my teens until i learned the Words and Terms and such so i was like oh huh i guess i just dont seek romance and thats not the same as liking other humans physically and on that front i guess im just ok with any type of partner so like with neither of these considerations ever being a factor for gender or presentation esp when im a 6ft behemoth of a guy with a strongman body build and never had any type of body dysphoria with that i was and honestly still am perfectly comfortable just being a cis dude and for the past decade it has literally not changed im here for a good time not a long time

anyways this is a very long winded wordy way of saying that im pretty sure im cis aro and bi/pan because ive never cared about gender never wanted a partner and also i appreciate mens tits and cockenbalsen too much to be straight and this post came about because I was thinking of getting an anime man body pillow cover and was imagining the scandalized looks on my parents faces lol