#this was literally untagged i was in there DEEP

[ripleyscullies]

also found this pic during my sleuthing and…..

[CAR CRASH] [GLASS SHATTERING] 'GOOD LORD!' [GENERAL COMMOTION] [BABY CRYING] 'WAAAAH WAAAAH' [YELLING] [POLICE SIRENS] WEEWOO WEEWOO [HELICOPTERS] 'WE'RE REPORTING LIVE- '[EXPLOSION] 'MY LEG... MY LEG...

[agabus]

if i see one more astarion post about how he's "not actually suave" "y'all failed the deception check" one more time i am actually going to flip a table in real life. i am so fucking tired

just. the idea a ton of y'all apparently have that the behaviors victims of abuse adopt to protect themselves "isn't who they truly are" and "is the mask they show the world" that you as their loved ones NEED to "take off" in order for them to "truly heal" and "be authentic" is soooooo invalidating <3 please stop <3

i am a DV survivor and i run into this same thought pattern in real life a lot. a lot of who i am as a person is necessarily shaped by having been through abuse. i am not even talking about trauma responses and shit like that, i mean like, my actual personality is in part the way it is because of the abuse. i cannot stress enough how much this is Literally Normal and not something that Needs To Be Fixed. i do not need someone who "truly loves me" showing up in my life and telling me that i don't actually understand anything about myself, and probably never would have been able to, because my abuse made me somehow entirely incapable of any level of self-awareness, but thankfully i met magical You who can reach past the veil of the person i think i am and try to be and want to be in order to find the Real Me™ who i Really Am and who you think I would have been if you like, went back in time to before that stuff happened to me and plopped me in a safe environment and checked back in a few years.

that is not who i am, because what i went through is part of me. how i responded to it is part of me. i was abused, it sucks, but you can't unring that bell, i didn't ask you to, and i don't want you to. i like myself the way i am. i like those parts, you can't have them. this isn't a mask, it's my face.

what i hear, when you guys say astarion is fake, or that he's just putting on a persona, or that he's just that way because of what he had to do for cazador, is that you do not trust survivors to define ourselves. that you think we are broken and we need our bad experiences loved out of us. that we don't know who we are, or if we do, we're liars, or that we're "letting them win" by keeping the tools we used to escape them.

astarion doesn't resent being the "charming rake," he loves it. he keeps it, even after he confesses his feelings for you, and even if he does get more comfortable being silly, that's not proof he was "wearing a mask," it's proof that he's, you know, a person capable of different levels of intimacy with different people.

tl;dr: astarion knows who the fuck he is, he doesn't need you to recover his "real" personality.

[velvetvexations]

in regards to the forcemasc/forcefem argument, it's so. stupid and inane and insidious. "why would these men who have actively experienced social forcefem in a painful or traumatic way ever want to engage with a kink they find compelling while changing it so as not to remind them of the (often painful/degrading/helpless) experience of dysphoria? they just want forcefem but for boys 😡" like yeah. maybe they do. that's crazy that two similar groups might seek gender euphoria in ways unique to their own experience, with neither more real or valid or socially martyred than the other.

like, it's really giving "our glorious gender euphoria" "their evil disgusting perversion of our unique challenges" like it it genuinely not that deep. i can't imagine being that unempathetic towards people who are literally trying to use the same coping mechanism that you are. that's wild

furthermore the whole "they're taking OUR hard-earned toys that we did the work to reclaim >:((" is so stupid. tell me in fewer words that you never leave tumblr. it's a handful of kink blogs who are playing with the idea of kink mixed with gender euphoria. its not a wholly unique idea and kink works very differently than they seem to think it does.

and furthermore!! one last thing. i HATE how forcefem is the current big meme. i'm respectful about it because i understand like. different strokes for different folks, what's harmful for me is healing for others. but "everyone should be forcefemmed" "forcefems you" "if you dont want to be forcefemmed then you're no fun" or!! or. the idea of forcefemming is a little too close to my own personal trauma around gender and transness. idk i just cant wait until it stops being everywhere untagged

It's hard to overstate how much forcefem is still a cis man thing when you step outside of trans leftist circles on social media.

[evilneo]

@thegoblinboy @bjtremike reporting you guys for terrorism too btw

reporting the Steve x Eddie posts tumblr recommends me as suspected terrorism

[biancadoes1]

First of all, I think we all need to collectively take a deep breath in….and out.

Ok now that we got that out of the way we can talk about what happened today. First of all, literally nothing happened today, what we saw was people getting impatient and being bored because we haven’t had any new drama in a couple days. And instead of enjoying that and relaxing for a little bit, people created drama. Two important things to remember:

1. Luke DOES NOT HATE Nicola or wants anything bad to happen to her. That much should be clear, and if it‘s not, then you‘re most likely lacking basic listening comprehension and didn’t actually watch any of the interviews. That man has been her “ride or die and right hand man“ and only speaks highly of her and of how important she is in his life.

2. As much as we dislike a lot of the things Antonia has done, she is also allowed to move on and live her life. Just because she post a picture of something in Paris does not mean that Luke is there with her. Maybe she wanted to post a billboard because of the Polin ones that came up recently, but that still doesn’t validate the crazy response we‘ve seen today. It‘s literally a picture of a billboard. Highly doubt Luke would jet off to Paris on a random Tuesday in the middle of filming. The man is working (and not romantically involved with A).

When the fandom gets bored it feeds on itself, we‘ve seen that time and time again. So let‘s just relax and deal with boredom the healthy way (consuming horny Polin content😏).

Lastly, if you are struggling because you are impatient and want answers now, take a step back and figure out healthy coping mechanisms. That coping mechanism can‘t include being mad at Nicola or Luke because you feel like they‘re not giving you all the answers immediately. They’re actions have been loud (untagging etc.), but if you choose to ignore them that is your problem, not that of Nicola and Luke. We do not know what is going on in the background and they don‘t owe us anything either. Both of them have only recently become very famous and it takes a while to figure out how to navigate that. And unless you are willing to share every last detail of your personal life with millions of strangers on the internet, you can‘t blame them for not doing it. Their actions speak loudly, but you can‘t make them responsible for feeling betrayed or let down cause they haven’t said anything yet. It just doesn’t work that way.

That‘s it, thanks for coming to my Ted talk!

.

[whatwouldsylwrite]

At least I got you in my head (5)

(4)

Summary: Abby is straight. And then you move in with her.

Tags: modern au, fem!reader, straight!abby (she is doing some comphet bullshit), pining, idiot in love and it's abby, reader is gay and tired.

Notes: sexual themes (not with Abby), Vi from Arcane is here to make you feel better. You and Abby make decisions that rub the wrong way. Mention of reader having a complicated skin care routine that Abby doesn't understand. Also, the girl in the end is Kara Danvers from supergirl; she is never described/mentioned.

Taglist: @abbyily @lillysbigwilly @gravygranules @blairfox04 @frogtits1 @ccinnamongrl @ninazenuk @urmomsgirlfriend1 @sunkissedbibi @couchgarbage @nil-eena @inlovewithelliewilliams @st4rluvrr @mai5mai @machetegirl109 @azelmawrites (if you want me to tag/untag you for the whole series dm me please)

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Yoon Jiwoo was a little scary, but you liked how reserved she was: she didn't ask you for anything, didn't try to get to know you deeply, just polite small talk and a few jokes. Instead of coffee she asked you to come and help her with dinner, and you agreed, fully understanding the implications. 

The implication number one: your chin covered in her slick while she mewled above you and tugged on your hair. 

The implication number two: you sprawled out on her bed, shaking after the second orgasm. 

She was teasing you a lot, which wasn't something you necessarily liked in bed, but it suited her so you rolled with it (not like you had a choice, pinned under her). 

Jiwoo kissed you goodbye and you went home at 1 am on Sunday, feeling a little better.

Like your world wasn't spinning around Abby, like you could start moving on and be happy while living with the best roommate you could wish for. There were other girls, available girls, and you didn't have to suffer. Were you available though? Well, not yet. But eventually your feelings would go away, you were sure of it. 

When you came home you expected Abby to be asleep already - you told her you'd be late - but she was in the living room, playing Doom, frowning in concentration as she eviscerated her enemies. She looked good like this, in her grey sweats and muscle tee, her braid resting on her shoulder. Fuck, why were you like that? You just fucked someone, weren't you supposed to fantasise about Jiwoo right now and not drool over your roommate? Jiwoo had great arms too, and she was hot too, and she was the one to fuck you.

God you really were too deep in it if Abby in muscle tee was more exciting than literal orgasms.

You took a breath to calm yourself down and knocked on the door frame, careful not to scare Abby with your presence. She looked up and paused the game, taking her headphones off. She looked a little tired and you knew she wasn't supposed to be up this late. 

"Hey. Why are you not in bed yet?" You sat next to her on the couch, your knee touching her thigh. 

"Was waiting for you." Abby murmured and rubbed her neck. "I wanted to make sure you'd come home safe."

Fuck you and how caring you are, you thought desperately. Jiwoo also told you to text her when you'd be home, why weren't you thinking of this? Why weren't you texting her right now? 

"Well, I am." You smiled a little. "You should go to sleep, Abby. You'll be grumpy in the morning."

"Yeah. Are you hungry? I made pasta."

"You can't do this to me, seriously." You said dramatically and let Abby guide you to the kitchen.

She heated up the food for you and made herself tea after you gave her shit for wanting to drink coffee at 1am. 

"How was it?" Abby asked politely and you tensed. 

"Great." 

"Just great?" Abby laughed kindly. 

"Yeah, well. Stress relief is stress relief." You chuckled, not really understanding why Abby was curious about your sex life. 

It hurt a little, that while you hooked up with Jiwoo to get Abby out of your system, she was now trying to make small talk about it. 

Abby must've noticed your reluctance, because her teasing grin fell.

"Sorry, I'm so used to Ellie waxing poetry about her hookups so for some reason I expected you to do that too." Abby smiled sheepishly. 

"Oh, don't worry. I just don't kiss and tell, you know. Unless you want a crush course in lesbian sex." You winked, curious if you'd make her shy, and yeah, Abby's cheeks were just slightly pink.

"I mean, Ellie talks so much about girls I feel like I could give you a crush course."

You laughed: bantering with Abby was easy and familiar and you felt a bit better, and not in love at all. Just two gals being pals. 

You were lying in your bed and you couldn't fall asleep as you were going back to this weekend. You felt like the whole hookup with Jiwoo was just some kind of revenge, a knee jerk reaction to Abby breaking your little air castles where you two were in love and happy together. You told Cait you wouldn't use other people to get over Abby, but even though the thing with Jiwoo was mutually beneficial, it didn't make you feel any better. Especially since it only gave you relief that lasted until you came home. 

It was a bad idea to begin with and now you regretted it a little. The sex was great, and you had a lot of fun, but the motivation behind it made you question your choice. You had to deal with your hurt before you tried to weave other people into it. 

It was Monday and you decided it was time for plan B: get distracted by getting another student. Work was good, work meant mind exercises and money. Usually you'd get recommended by your previous students, but sometimes your professors would ask you to help someone out, and today was the day when you got lucky. 

Your professor caught you in the corridor while you were walking to your next class and you got scared at first - did you miss an assignment and were losing your points?

"I gave your number to one of my students, she is smart but she had to miss a lot of classes. She needs to pass the test at the end of November, can you help her?"

"Yeah, of course." You nodded politely.

"Thanks." Your professor patted you on the shoulder and hurried to her next class. God, she was always running like a headless chicken and you adored that chaotic energy in her. She was a very talented teacher, she asked for a lot, but she always gave second chances, so if this girl got her to let her improve her grade, then you'd do your best to help her. 

Also, you thought as you watched the hottest fucking person walk through the doors of the library on Wednesday afternoon, you'd have to do your best and keep it in your pants. 

She was built very similar to Abby, the same defined arms and wide shoulders, and she had tattoos. Her nose was pierced and even the bright pink hair looked organic. 

Even the way she walked was hot - Abby was always commanding, and your new student (she was bee lining to your table) walked confidently, like she didn't fucking care and like she knew she was hot. 

Oh this one wasn't straight. No straight girl had the same energy as her. No, this kind of confidence came from wanting to attract a different kind of attention, the attention straight girls didn't seek and didn't need. 

You sat more straight in your seat as the girl came closer, and for some reason you expected her to be cocky, but she smiled at you and you melted. 

"Hi. You are (y/n)?" You nodded and the girl sat next to you. "I'm Vi."

"Nice to meet you." You said, trying to play it cool. Not only she was hot as fuck, she also seemed sweet? "Prof said you need to pass the test?"

"Yeah. I need at least B on this, and I don't understand a thing." Vi chuckled. "I read at home, but it all sounds fucking insane."

You laughed.

"Which part? I bet it's Kant."

"More like cunt if you ask me." Vi mumbled and you laughed again. 

"Okay. Let's start from the beginning and then Kant will make more sense later on. Are you going to have only western philosophy on your test or do we need to cover everything?"

"I think it's only western." 

You put your professional face on and tried to ignore how hot Vi was as best as you could, but judging by her little knowing smirk she was fully aware of her affect on you - though you didn't really mind. She was hot and sweet and made you feel something else except fucking sadness and desperation. 

Maybe you could get both distractions this time, you thought as Vi smiled at you and looked a little lower than what would be considered friendly. 

This week Abby spent way too invested in talking to Owen. They texted regularly and Abby found herself checking her phone every five minutes. He excited her: Abby liked his attention and his jokes, and it didn't happen often to her. Boys were more annoying than enjoyable, so when she'd meet a guy who was actually cool she tried not to pass the opportunity. 

And now when she was spending so much time on Owen she didn't get her weird panics around you anymore. Abby still enjoyed cuddling with you and talking to you, but now she felt safe to do that, when she had an outlet to deal with her loneliness. She could cuddle you and then go to Owen to get her healthy fix of sex and intimacy. 

Not that Abby planned to, but knowing she had an escape made her feel more confident, as if she separated her affectionate side from her lonely horny side. 

from: (y/n)

r u home?

can you meet me downstairs?

I need help

Abby locked her phone and went to the hallway to put her doc martens and a coat - the third week of October wasn't really warm. She quickly made her way downstairs, a little worried about what you needed help with. 

You were standing in front of the stairs with two big plastic bags and Abby just stared at you.

"You okay?" She asked with doubt. Why did you buy two full bags of groceries? Why did you even go without her when it was her job to do all the heavy lifting in the house? "You should've called me."

"I didn't plan to go grocery shopping, I just wanted to buy the cookies, but I spiralled." You shrugged. "Can you help me carry them?"

Abby took all the bags, not letting you touch them at all even when you protested ("equal labour, come on" "you're hunched in your chair 24/7 you have the back of a grandma, chill"). You made light small talk while you went upstairs, Abby told you about her classes and how annoyed she was with some of them: she liked to bitch about stuff with you because you bitched right back without trying to cheer her up. You just understood Abby's need to vent.

Abby took her shoes off and went to the kitchen so she could start unloading the bags. You were still shuffling in the hallway when she opened the bag and stared into the inside.

"What the fuck?" Abby mumbled as she looked over the whole bag filled with her favourite protein bars. 

By that point you came to the kitchen and had the audacity to look like you didn't understand why Abby was shocked.

"Oh, yeah. They were on sale." 

Abby stared at you. 

"So you bought the whole aisle?"

"You burn through them like they're made of oxygen, come on." You said, embarrassed, and Abby laughed. 

"You're insane." Abby chuckled and came closer, holding your face in her warm hands so she could pepper your face with small kisses.

"Thanks." Kiss. "You're ridiculous." Kiss. "I l-" 

Abby's words got stuck in her throat: she couldn't finish this sentence. She didn't know why, but it felt like she meant something way different from what it was supposed to mean between friends. It didn't seem like you've noticed, so Abby kissed your forehead and moved away, making herself pay attention to your pleased face instead of wallowing in her anxiety. 

"Did you really get the whole aisle?"

"I took every pack they had, yes. It was on sale, pretty good deal if you ask me." 

"Whatever you say mathematician." Abby chuckled and helped you put other groceries in their place. 

She couldn't stop herself from smiling: you cared. You remembered small things about her the same way she remembered small things about you (she made sure to buy you your favourite cookies every time she was shopping), and it was so warming. She felt her heart grow with l- 

Why couldn't she use this word for you? God, she thought she was over her stupid panic. It was okay to love her friends. It was okay. 

Maybe she should hook up with Owen again. 

Vi asked you to come to her place for your fourth lesson - she had training before and she would have been late for the lesson if she had to go to the library from there. You didn't mind so you put your books into your bag and went over to her place. 

Vi told you she lived with her younger sister, and you saw the pictures around the apartment: it seemed like bright hair was a theme here. 

Vi's room was a little bigger than yours, and was surprisingly aesthetic with decor. There were a lot of drawings ("my sister drew them") and her table was kinda cluttered, but she quickly freed some space so you could put your books somewhere. 

Being in Vi's room made you tingle. It was obvious to both of you how attractive you found each other, and you couldn't shake the thought she invited you for a different reason with the amount of tension between the two of you.

You were sitting pretty close, her strong jean-clad thigh pressed against yours, but you tried to not pay attention to it and focus on the lesson. So far Vi's been an excellent student, not shy to ask you the same question as many times as she needed, getting to the bottom of it no matter what. Sometimes you had to change your usual explanation so Vi would understand, and putting your brains to work made you feel good.

"Okay, okay, I've got it. Fucking mental gymnastics." Vi sighed as she wrote her answer on a test sample. "Check."

You read her answer and smiled: it was perfect. 

"Good job." Vi’s eyes lit up.

"I want a reward." Vi said and you chuckled before picking up your pen and writing a good job with a star on her paper. 

"Good enough?" Vi chuckled at this and moved closer to you, putting her elbow on the table to support herself. "Something else?" You were teasing her, you knew, but you were so curious how it’d play out.

"Yeah, I have a better idea." She murmured as she moved her face closer to yours, waiting for you to give her green light. You smiled and moved closer, enjoying her wide eyes and a pleased smirk. 

Vi kissed you and you lost your breath for a moment, shocked by how gentle and tentative she was. She was sweet, god she was sweet. If it wasn't for one stupid straight blonde in your life you could have fallen in love with Vi just from the way she kissed. 

You moved away, feeling guilty: you didn't really know what Vi wanted from you, and she didn't deserve to be fucked over because you were an idiot who was in love with their roommate.

"Hey-hey. Wait a second."

"Did I misread the situation?" Vi asked, worried, searching your face for an answer. 

"No. But I'd like to know what you want from this, so we could be on the same page."

"I just think you're hot."

"Nothing serious?"

"No?" Vi looked like she was scared she'd hurt your feelings with her words, but you only sighed in relief.

"Good. Because I think you're hot too." Vi smirked at this and kissed you again, holding your neck with her palm as she stroked your jaw with her thumb. "Is this why you asked me to come here today?"

"No." Vi laughed as she squeezed your hips and moved you to her lap, pressing you closer. God she was strong. "But now I think past me was a genius."

You chuckled and kissed her again, burying your fingers in her soft hair as she pushed her hands under your shirt. Vi sighed into your mouth and you smiled while your hips started to live their own life, grinding against Vi. You were stupidly turned on by how strong and sweet she was, so careful with how she touched you, as if you were not a one night stand but the love of her life. 

"You're gentle." You commented when Vi carefully placed you on the bed.

"I get that a lot." Vi grinned and you rolled your eyes playfully. "Tell me what you want." 

You smiled at that and tugged her shirt off, staring hungrily at her abs and tattoos. She looked like she could destroy you and put you back together and your stomach burned while your eyes went dark with desire. 

"Fuck me.”

---

“You sure you don’t want to come?” You asked and Abby snapped out of watching you get ready in front of the mirror. Abby came to chill out in your room as you went through your wardrobe to find something that’d work for a Halloween party. 

“I’m not feeling it.” What Abby actually meant: Owen was getting a little too aggressive with his attempts to ask her out and she didn’t want to run into him.

“Well, you know how they say, you just need to come and the mood will come too.”

“No, really, I just want to stay home today. But you have fun, you’ve been working the whole week, you need it.”

You’ve been coming home late the past few days, having more lessons than usual, and Abby felt bad for you. At least you seemed to be in a good mood most of the time, more relaxed and happy than the previous week, and Abby was glad the amount of work wasn’t taking a toll on you.

“Thanks, Abby.” You smiled in the mirror and Abby smiled back. She couldn’t look away from you, a little fascinated by your little rituals with all the skin care products you were using. Sometimes she asked you questions about especially weird things she saw in your hands, but otherwise she stayed quiet and just watched you. 

Abby never really was a girly girl, with no desire to learn how to apply makeup or to wear skirts, and when she was a teenager a lot of people liked to tell her if she didn’t get more feminine she’d never find a boy, because boys liked everything she didn’t. And listen, she tried. She even learned how to use eye liner, but when she looked at herself in the mirror she felt like a clown, and she decided the potential boy in her life wasn’t worth trying to become someone she wasn’t. But even if Abby herself didn’t care about doing girly things, she liked watching other girls do their magic: how Ellie painted her nails black, how Nora did her hair, how you applied god knows how many creams/essences on your face. It was calming to her. 

“So, what are you going for?” Abby nodded at the bunch of clothes on your bed.

“The laziest vampire on earth.” You sighed. “You know, all black, some sunglasses to look like an asshole. We still have cranberry juice, right? I’ll pretend it’s blood.”

“Wow, that’s bad.” Abby laughed.

“Well I can’t come in my usual clothes, that would be even worse. I’ll try to look like the lack of effort was a choice and you know what? I’ll look hot doing it.”

“You definitely will.” Not that Abby understood anything in women’s hotness, but hey. She met girls who made her head turn, so.. Listen, she didn’t know where she was going with this thought. All girls were pretty, okay. It was the universal truth, what was the point of thinking she didn’t know when women were hot, she wasn’t a blind idiot. 

Abby walked you out of the door with a promise you’d call her if anything happens and a kiss on the forehead. 

from: Owen

Are you out tonight?

Fuck, Abby thought. Fuck-fuck-fuck. If she’d say she was home he’d definitely ask to come over, and lying was pointless. Abby stared at her phone once more. But what if she’d want to hook up with him later? Fuck. This shit shouldn’t have been so complicated. 

Well. She could lie in a different way.

to: Owen

sorry, I’ve got a fever so I stayed home

That was so stupid and hardly believable, but Abby didn’t want to deal with Owen right now. Or ever. 

Thankfully he left her on read and Abby sighed in relief before going to the living room to finish the next level in Doom. It took her a few hours after she fell down to death a bunch of times, missing the right moment to jump from one stupid pillar to another. And the boss at the end of the level was pretty hard, so when she finally beat him it was close to 2:30 am. 

Abby tidied the living room and then took a shower, her eyes hurt a little after staring at the screen for so long. She came back to her room and cautiously checked her notifications in fear Owen’d drunk-text her, but instead there was a text from you.

from: (y/n)

Im w a girl 

Abby stilled as she read your text, her heart squeezing in pain that she didn’t understand. Was she jealous? But she just turned Owen down, so it couldn't be right. Abby shook her head as if it’d shake the thoughts out of her head and quickly got ready for bed - she hoped to fall asleep before you’d come home with a girl.

It seemed like the universe hated her that night, because when she felt she was finally falling asleep, relieved she wouldn’t hear you coming home, the front door clicked open. 

Abby shut her eyes and tried not to listen to any sounds: to be fair, she didn’t hear anything until your bedroom’s door was shut. She didn’t want to think about what was happening in your bedroom, but then she heard it. 

You were clearly trying to be quiet, but one of your whimpers was too loud. Abby’s ears rang and her heart started beating faster from anxiety. Despite herself her head got filled with pictures of some random girl touching you. Abby wanted to barf, wanted this girl out of your bedroom, wanted to fucking rip her arms off for making you sound like that. 

Abby took a deep breath and sat on the bed, her ears tuned to your bedroom - it seemed like you noticed your mistake and got quieter, but Abby didn’t need you to make any more sounds to feel absolutely sick, her brain conveniently showing her how you were being fucked right now.

Abby huffed in disgust and stilled suddenly, noticing her emotions. She was disgusted? Fucking hell she was. 

You were having sex next door and Abby was so disgusted and angry she wanted to break something. She felt guilty, because you didn't deserve this, you didn't do anything bad, but Abby couldn't shake her feelings and her unbearable fantasies off.

Abby took another deep breath and grabbed her headphones, determined to force herself into sleep, even if she couldn't breathe properly from her awful feelings.

And Abby would have to be nice in the morning, wouldn't she?

[meetinginsamarra]

Whumptober Day 22 "glass shard"

“Oh my God, Sherlock you… what you’ve…”

Sherlock interjected, desperate to finish what he had to say. “I’m so sorry for all the pain that I caused you and I know I’m repeating myself here. But it’s true.” He inhaled deeply. “Maybe I have paid for all this in the cellar in Serbia. Getting punished for having been stupid. For leaving you behind and not thinking about what it might do to you. Or find a way to let you in.”

Talking that much had aggrevated the pain in Sherlock’s chest and back and he needed to stop, concentrating on breathing shallow. His face had become white as snow.

“Take it slow, Sherlock. You’re still very weak and in enough pain already.” John carefully took Sherlock’s hand and squeezed it lightly. “Thanks for telling me. It’ll make it a lot easier for me to finally come clear with it.”

John pulled a chair towards the bed and sat down heavily, the accumulated exhaustion of the last two days clearly visible in his posture.

“I have to admit that when you came back I have been so angry. Being left behind and not being trusted by you felt like the ultimate betrayal. You made a mistake but knowing that you’ve done all this because you cared… you are just human, after all.”

“And yet, you called me a machine.” Sherlock really had not meant to say this out loud but the words just slipped out of his mouth. Not good but it felt good anyway.

Back then in the lab Sherlock had deliberatly used the ruse of Mrs Hudson being injured and acted callous in order to drive John away. But although his plan had worked out just fine, John’s remark still had rankled and hurt an awful lot. Caring had pushed Sherlock over the literal edge of Bart’s roof and had been his downfall, also quite literally. Thus, being called a machine had caused a painful wound that had swollen and festered. Like a glass shard encapsulated deep in Sherlock’s foot that always had hurt with each step he had taken for two years. Now it had been cut out and hopefully, this wound could heal.

John answered immediately. “And saying this is what I’ve regretted the most for two years straight. Because you are not. A machine.”

Sherlock squeezed John’s hand back.

—

find the fic on AO3 HERE

---

Please tell me if anybody wants to get tagged or untagged (just say it, I won’t get mad).

@helloliriels @calaisreno @7-percent @lisbeth-kk @peageetibbs @gaylilsherlock @totallysilvergirl @alexisnoir @blogstandbygo @jobooksncoffee @missdeliadili @kabubsmagga @mary-johnlocked @vaticancameos221 @kestrelwing64 @sabsi221b @jelly-of-many-ships

[gamerwoman3d]

Untagged headcannons.

The more I think about it, the more I think MK1 Sub-Zero is a trans man.

Tradition-loving Brothers constantly questioning every fucking thing he does

Tradition-loving brothers pointing out that an older [deceased] man could do a better job leading

Everything Bi-han does is 100% consistent with "I've HAD it up to here" level PMS

The face is pretty

He's buff as shit but doesn't have a very pronounced adam's apple

Someone pointed out he's literally woman-coded [in the base game code his body motions are coded as a female type]

He has deep-rooted disdain for astringent adherence to tradition DESPITE the fact that by tradition, he should be in power [most people who are benefitted by tradition at a young age become proponents of tradition. If Bi-han were born male and grew into the tradition of patriarchal rulership, you'd think he'd be all for tradition.]

He wasn't as freaked out about being captured by Shang Tsung as Scorpion- possibly because the thought of being held hostage as a damsel in distress had occurred to Bi-han in the effeminate past, giving Bi-han time to self-talk through various kidnapping scenerios that his brothers never would have bothered to worry about.

Daddy issues may be universally understood but usually if a man has issues with his father, the brothers share in those issues and commiserate.

He's just girl-coded in one too many ways

If a chick had punched Johnny Cage for grabbing her and not taking her seriously the scene makes even more sense

Anyway enough of that ramble. I honestly don't care what Bi-han's gender is, was, or will be, that man is one hundred billion percent fuckable.

[cjlouwho]

as someone who has been in the 911 fandom for like 5 years now, i gotta say that i block bucktommy fans as liberally as i block bvddie fans because otherwise i would never get some peace on tumblr dot com 😭 i am a buck girlie and have been enjoying his journey and his canon love interests and his attempt to get closer to his parents again etcetc, and let's just say... while i share my love for bucktommy with many people, there are so many other aspects of the show that i just wanna enjoy but that many other fans hate. a lot. and it's sprinkled everywhere and usually untagged so my only real option to curate my experience is to block users tbh. sometimes i don't like the vibe of someone, sometimes they post one (1) character hot take that just makes me go "nah fam", sometimes it's literally just because people write all their posts IN CAPS WHICH STRESSES ME OUT, etc etc. hope you don't take it too hard when others block you because it's honestly just a safe way to filter, and trust me the reasons usually aren't anything deep and most likely not personal either! ❤️ i think we all just try to enjoy bucktommy, but navigating everything surrounding it can be hard if not for the block button and highly specific blacklists lmfao 😂😂

I decided it’s because I said I didn’t like jlh’s hair this season. It is law 👩🏻‍⚖️

[letitrainathousandflames]

Omg thank you for saying it

Multiple times I've come across ppl literally sharing images of people who've been killed (in one case children what the fuck???) And even if its below a cut I still have to read the description of why they've put it under a cut. I know ppl have different opinions of this stuff but in my view that's so disrespectful of those who've lost their lives. The guilt trippy stuff (and I'm sorry but it's largely coming from people that don't know what they're talking about, as shown by the fact that there's literally no awareness that the stuff that's being said/shown untagged is hugely triggering for ppl who've lived through this stuff)

This is not a news site!!! People trying to avoid this stuff does not mean they don't have awareness of what's going on and aren't staying aware by getting their news from actual news sources???

I'm not against people talking about this stuff on here at all. It needs to be talked about. But for the love of God, making a post is not the same as taking to people in person. People do not have the option to walk away when you just send a post out in to the ether like that. Just tag things appropriately it's not that hard!!!

So yeah thank you for saying it. I always feel hugely guilty for trying to avoid certain things because of the guilt tripping that's so rife on this site but I really shouldn't cause half of what's coming up isn't even constructive (or true a lot of the time) and it just brings up a whole load of stuff that hits my mental health and makes it harder for me to actually campaign in a way that helps people

I always think of that one tweet that's like 'misery is not activism' making people feel shit isn't actually solving any of these issues or helping the world at all lol

When it comes to this topic, I always think of some articles I read about the human brain's capacity for processing bad news. One of them was titled something like "your brain can't handle the world".

Basically, it talked about how years ago (mind you, not that many years, given how fast modern technology evolved) you would get your handful of news, good and bad, on the newspaper or on TV and radio, and even that was already much more than a person in the 1800's would, given the slow pace of letters and how only vital info was able to fit into one. Newspapers would often only carry local news, and you could spend a whole lifetime without knowing what was happening in countries on the other side of the ocean.

Now, imagine that. A wedding would be the talk of the town for weeks. A funeral would be The Sad Event for your to grieve over for the following months. That is the amount of happy and sad (and playful, and contemplative, and other emotions) that one could experience and process in a healthy manner.

But nowadays, you get see the story of a family adopting their first puppy two continents away, and that's great and cool, but unfortunately that also means that you get the story of a bunch of children dying two continents away too, and the testimony of their families, and the overview of the political landscape that lead to this happening and the bleak understanding that that's not gonna change and it will happen again--

all that while you might be dealing yourself with a fascist government in your country, and your own bad news, and your own shitty economy, and laws that hurt a minority of which you are a part, and, and--

That is all too much. Literally too much for the mind of someone who is already tired of doing their own activism and surviving within the microcosm that is their town/community/country.

So you close CNN. You turn off the news livestream. You take a deep breath and you open tumblr because your mind is parched for dopamine and happiness you could use some cute fanart and compelling headcanons to relax.

You are two cute dog pics down when you scroll into graphic pictures of the latest massacre, paired with a detailed testemony of whatever horrific thing that happened. There isn't even a link for donations, or an e-mail you can reach to do anything remotely useful about it. It's just a spatter of misery smeared on your phone screen, quickly erasing all joy you might've gotten from the dog pics.

Your taglist is extensive, mind you, for the sake of keeping your dash a small safe haven from the dangers of doomscrolling - it's all there, blocked from sight: #negative, #current events, #death/, #child death/, #animal death/, #[insert current world tragedy], #[insert topic particularly triggering that could send you into a panic attack].

But people don't tag their shit. They say shit like "i don't care your blog theme, if you don't reblog this, you're a monster". They say "stop scrolling and look at this horrific thing". They say "why is no one talking about this"--

And don't realize, or don't care that some people are drowning in bills to pay and extra shifts to work and needing to double-think about wearing their pride pins because homophobia is getting worse in their country, and struggling with depression and anxiety, etc, etc.

I'm too adhd to make a concise text post ever, but if I can make any sort of point here, I guess that would be:

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to see, reblog or interact with negative posts about current events. This is not a news website. You did not come here for the news, and therefore is perfectly normal that you don't want to deal with them.

There is nothing wrong with making your dash a nice place curated with only the things you like. Block tags and blogs liberally. I know I do. This website is, to me, a source of memes, headcanons, jokes, character analysis and occasional useful knowledge. I don't get my news here. I don't engage in political/ideological debates here. I see a transphobe, I block them. I see a gun-freak bootlicker, I block them. This is my little garden, and goddamnit I will rip off all the weeds.

There is nothing wrong with not reblogging certain content, no matter what the guilt-trippy reblogs say. You don't owe anyone the space in your blog. This is your little garden, people don't get to tell you what to plant in it. You are one. Little. Person. You rebbloging something won't have the Big Worldly Impact they're making it out to be.

If you want to make room for the occasional activism in your blog, that's fine too. I make a point that everything I reblog that has a negative tone must be not only properly tagged but also have some kind of action attached to it - a donation link, a link for further reading in case of something raising awareness, a contact line for representatives to stop some dogshit law. I never reblog things that are just depressing and leave you feeling hopeless.

Please stay safe, drink water, be wary of doomscrolling, allow yourself not to be an activist 24/7, give yourself a safe space to decompress, take care, I love you <3

Before I go, I must leave fair warning to the piss-poor reading comprehension crowd: no, I am not advocating for toxic positivity or pretending that everything is fine, I just want the poor fuck juggling two jobs plus school while living in a political hellscape and managing depression and some other undiagnosed mental condition to be able to scroll the funny shitposting website without having to see triggering content that will send them into a panic attack.

Oh, and if you like my writing, here's my ko-fi for you to drop a lil coin <;3

[fighting-these-demons]

Picrews and my personal headcanon for Wavelength/Mirror Mirror

So before I got distracted by retagging untagged posts and then by a few posts on my dash - I spent the morning forcing Maker.io to work long enough to get a few pics made.

Originally I went there for a Fairy Maker hoping there was a male option to make an approximation of Fairy!Schwarz since he won't leave my brain but there was no male option. The same artist had this fantasy couple creator though so behold!

Royal Flush

(They didn't have an unnatural hair colors so imagine that Chibodee has just gotten done bleaching and is preparing for a new dye job. 😞)

Now before I get to the Wavelength/Mirror Mirror :

My Personal Headcanon has Schwarz and Kyoji look different post-ressurection.

The appeal for me has never been the Appearance aspect of their clone dynamic- but the inextricable one-ness created by it - and the second chance at life Schwarz was given by Kyoji instead of being left for dead as just another piece of collateral in the Devil Gundam's wake.

Like of course he'll do all he can to help Kyoji and his brother! He knows EXACTLY what they're going through from Kyoji's memories. He's a good guy and he won't let this happen! (Also there's this inexplicable drive towards it because of Kyoji's directive and isn't that tragic to have to control another living being the way that you hate being used and controlled???Poor Kyoji!!! 😭😭😭)

I Personally Headcanon that Schwarz goes through some level of amnesia but that eventually his memories mostly return to him. Some of them suring canon but most of them post-resurrection.

During canon they are absolutely their own people but at the same time during canon most of what Schwarz knows is Kyojis life and memories and they look exactly alike and they're so connected on such a deep level that it's mentally so confusing for Schwarz.

Anyway. All that to say that I think once they revive post-canon that Schwarz has more say over his appearance this time and while he chooses some of Kyojis features out of fondness and affection, he keeps some of his own out of personal comfort.

They literally get to choose how they want to look now.

Anyway on to the pictures!

Traditional Wavelength/Mirror Mirror

The only difference is skin tone and hair length as well as Pointed Ears because I was hoping there would be a Fairy Wing option..... there was not.

And

@chinanagosama 's art with Long Haired Schwarz is gorgeous and now I can't let go of Long Haired Schwarz. 💖😭

Long Haired Schwarz is permanently part of my headcanon for Schwarz in Alternate Universes where he survives/revives and still looks the same as Kyoji. They would need a way to be told apart at a glance and I just love it. 💖💖💖👍👍👍👍

So anyway since this image creator didn't have a fairy wing option I imagine that Schwarz is full size now but that he noticed that Kyoji and Rain thought his little impromptu fairy look was cute and decided to test keeping them as he grew to full size.

Needless to say Kyoji and Rain are enchanted by them! 😁

Now here's mine lol:

(Kept the long hair and ears at first)

(This one below is what I imagine Post-Canon)

Aaaaaaand that's it lol.

[cature]

💌 ) BEST BELOVED. okay time to be normal. here’s a tag for my comfort characters, never specified by name or dug into in any meaningful depth. i am putting them in my mouth and chewing. i am asking at all times to be reading illuminated treatsies on their actions and their subtexts and their costume designs and their leimotifs and to hold their beating heart in my hands (just to look at it!) and yeah, okay, also sometimes to suck their soul out of their body twice a day for the rest of my life.

💎 ) OLD MONEY. this is quite literally just my blair waldorf tag. it’s the newspapers in print and the purses that don’t carry cash and lipstick made custom and champagne from the valley and not just imitation. it’s the world that gatsby could entertain but never enter. it’s the girls who aren’t daisy. it’s a white winter in the city, but every path you walk on is still clean and dried. the grand vizier, the high pope, the dark curl-spilled queen to serena’s lion-haired king among men, morgan le fey come again to wear chanel.

🔏 ) POETRY. another normal tag! i am a horrific poet with barely a handful of daily lit deviations (i hope reading that phrase gave you flashbacks) under my belt, but the self-published poetry scene is finally recovering from the mass damage that instagram and richard siken fanfic did to it. and i for one am fucking pumped. other quotes with particularly good cadence will also be thrown in here just to jazz things up a bit.

📖 ) MEDIA. i’m on a normal tag roll. these are the stories that are important to me in ways unrelated to comfort characters or my deep abiding need to get plowed by questionable anime men. a lot of my favorite posts end up untagged on my sideblog because they’re not as structured as i like my main to be, so the ones that do make the cut are guaranteed to have been heralded by me physically showing one of my spices my phone.

🥠 ) LITTLE THOUGHTS. essentially a text post tag. a lot of them have tended to be sweet or sad rather than silly, but i like collecting the ones that make me react. fortune cookie emoji feels self-explanatory from there. as with my media tag anything that i like enough to have but not enough to revisit or incorporate into my bird’s nest goes over on a sideblog, so these reblogs are fun treats for me to pick back through.

🪶 ) HOPE AS AN ACTION. “empathy isn’t just something that happens to us - a meteor shower of synapses firing across the brain - it’s also a choice we make: to pay attention, to extend ourselves. It’s made of exertion, that dowdier cousin of impulse. sometimes we care for another because we know we should, or because it’s asked for, but this doesn’t make our caring hollow. this confession of effort chafes against the notion that empathy should always rise unbidden, that genuine means the same thing as unwilled, that intentionality is the enemy of love. but i believe in intention and i believe in work. i believe in waking up in the middle of the night and packing our bags and leaving our worst selves for our better ones.” - leslie jamison.

🫖 ) LIKE REAL PEOPLE DO. domesticity, and family, and growing, and trying your best, and singing without thinking about it, and cooking for eachother, and existing in the world as a participant. being housebound on and off for years has not been good to me even as being happily married and content in my triangle has been a massive act of healing. somewhere in between the two i’m holding on fiercely to celebration of the things i can still do together with them and trying to believe that it can be enough.

🍫 ) BITTERNESS. kind of discourse, kind of venting. i’m not overly invested in collating my opinions daily any more, but i have been saying certain things for actively years now while waiting for the wider zeitgeist to catch up to me and it’s always a pleasure to see a widely accepted and welcome new take from the last three months that i got into a fight in my 2018 dms for suggesting. sometimes i just want to hit people i have blocked with a car. being a sex worker who has to ebeg will do that to otherwise perfectly lovely friendships more than you’d think. sometimes you are all just so, so illiterate. essentially a dump for anything that pisses me off.

🔖 ) AUDIENCE ASIDES. this one is for “reblog and tag yourself” memes and is functionally an about me tag that i fill up only with uquiz answers, disjointed facts from my childhood, and either/or games. they’re fun! not everything has to be complicated. scroll around this tag for interaction bait or just to hang out. maybe one day i’ll port my vent app “which major arcana are you” tag meme over here as a uquiz of some kind. that’d be fun, i think. (i’m the moon, btw. just in case you were wondering. mine was the moon.

🫕 ) BESTIES. this is a catch-all tag for my assorted friends to opt-into that is 110% just about being, yknow, kind of a cunt. all of the references to insane internet-specific drama go here, all of the polycule jokes go here, all of the “hey i know you’re high so i invited a thousand people over” jokes go here, and so does all of the sweet stuff. fondue emoji because that way people can dip in and choose to be included in it or not, and also i am too lazy to tag for each individual 🌈/🐰/🎲/📿/🐱/🐻/fruit code/tumblr mutual/etc vibe.

🕰️ ) FIRST FOLIO. because despite the lobotomy i am in fact a washed-out imitation of both english and art history qualification-havers, and sometimes a bitch wants to talk about the way the world shaped a colour choice or a turn of phrase or an adaptational choice between book and stage or stage and dance. constantly fellating the macmillan romeo juliet choreography, my own imaginary staging of ibsen’s fruen fra havet, and prospero’s final lines in the tempest. this is a dump tag for anything that i would pin to a board like a butterfly if given the chance to do so together with my loved ones.

🌪️ ) OIL ROOM. oh, hey, a normal tag again. an art tag, even, for things that rattle around in my brain for a few days after, or things that i’d spend useless hours trying to dig back up on pinterest to add to a board for a fictional character that has (in a similar manner) started to haunt me. probably going to lean more modern sculpture than traditional oil, but to be fair that is because traditional oils find their way into my other tags and didn’t need an invented catch-all for me to skim back through circa pinterest o'clock in six weeks when i get back to that.

🍳 ) THE AI-KYŌGEN. nice little oc tag for my brats. a truly insane overabundance of girls who are crocodiles in the rivers of their own narrative, girls who are self sufficient because they were grown from seed in total darkness, boys who damn themselves and then damn the world in revenge for it, girls who wear their lives wholecloth like a costume every morning until it fits or it kills them, girls who were too young for the tasks they were trapped with and succeeded anyway, girls who died but didn’t because they only remember how to get back up. and clumbo, my orc detective.

📚 ) DEAD INTERNET. short stories, flash fiction, and other pieces i am trying to scrounge up via the wayback machine. i'm an unabashed pirate who lived off of e-begging for 5 yesrs solid and do not have the money to support authors i like. what i can do is collate every short story i've personally cared for onto an un-searchable blog and cross-index my thoughts on them here.

🧦 ) BULLDOZE VENICE. disability talk, encompassing everything from my mental health conditions / sanism to physical disability justice, marriage equality, institutional ableism, and how developmental disability is treated by the wider populace. i don't believe in "mental age" and i don't steal the terms nonverbal/nonspeaking for autistics with high support needs who suffer the most under the pseudo-aba assumptions that you can make yourself speak if needed.

🍱 ) TEXT POSTING. basically the same as my audience asides tag but for posts i personally am making to bitch about running a blog, or changes i am midway through making on this one, or polls about which of my previous tagging system sections i should port over to this blog en masse that day.

📟 ) MIXTAPE. i know i run ostensibly a sideblog for music but i do also like specific songs i want to put here and cross-reference into other tags. since the ancient websites i used to use to listen to just the songs on my rp blogs in another google chrome tab has gone totally under i will have to make that possible another way (that isn't using spotify, because i'm lazy sometimes).

🎫 ) TO REMEMBER. quotable bits that i am going to drop for years into bios. i used to try to run this as a sideblog on its own for cross-referencing but porting the entire mountain goats lyrical discography was hard and i quit. i still need somewhere to store the "spit his cum back at him like a camel" post that has haunted my dreams for a thousand years.

[breakfastassociation]

not to be a hater (and i really am about to be) but imagine watching a movie co-directed by a man name Januel P Mercado with a Zoro parody main character that has undeniable spaghetti western/spanish/latin influence on its worldbuilding AND dialogue...

and then choosing to take this take right after using a photo of ya mans wearing a poncho

its not that projecting off beat elements onto a film is bad, and its not even a "culural erasure" thing, and even me nit picking this is cringe cuz its Not That Deep, i just can not relate to this level of film analysis.

Like what in the world ...the line before the screencap of Death was ~[i know hes called the "big bad wolf" but...] why even make the post when your next statement is, essentially, "This Wolf Character Looks Like If A Jackel Was A Wolf"

And even outside of that statement. There is literally nothing in this specific movie of the Shrek franchise that lends us to believe the Death character would be inspired by or created to look like Anubis of Egyptian mythos?!?!

This movie (tbh the whole shrekverse) is about fairytales and nursery rhymes on god whyyy would they start throwing in gods

whyyy would they have one (1) character designed to resemble egyptian myth when everyone else (puss, kitty, Perrito, Goldi, Baby, Mama Luna, the Doctor) are all designed with latin/spanish influence

Shawty saw pointy ears and a sickle and ran.

Besides the 'anubis is a jackel not a wolf' thing. anubis is also like, almost exclusively depicted with black fur, how can you look at a silver furred character and draw that connection.

how can you look at a fully anthropomorphized wolf and go "this looks like if you stuck a dogs entire head on a fully human body"

now you may have gotten to the end if this and are thinking some kind of way about this and i agree. Im the real loser cuz im getting twisted over internet antics. this whole post is 100% self indulgence and i do not condone my actions if yall have opinions do what i do and leave them on an untagged post @.myfutureself i hope u do better luv u

[chompcourse]

you sound like a miserable person. hope you learn how to block tags, avoid interactions with people you don't like, fix you attitude and grow from it.

i think learning to curate your online experience it would make you happier and less of a type who looks for confrontation for the sake of it. maybe even realize some things are not that deep. idk i think it would calm you down.

once again youre proving my point

i have blocked tags. i do block people that i dont want to interact with. but its still not enough? i still see this shit EVERYWHERE, untagged, uncensored, everything, no matter how hard i try to avoid it, its still there and its still in my face. then people like YOU come around saying “if you dont like it dont interact with it”— I DONT. what else am i supposed to do when it’s literally everywhere despite how hard i try???

that’s literally the entire point of what i was saying like how did you miss it that hard

[whatwouldsylwrite]

At least I got you in my head (4)

(3)

Summary: Abby is straight. And then you move in with her.

Tags: modern au, fem!reader, straight!abby (she is doing some comphet bullshit), pining, idiot in love and it's abby, reader is gay and tired.

Notes: Happy pride month, guys! I feel like I committed a hate crime with this chapter, so I'm sorry. It's also longer than previous chapters by 2k. And um, the "hate crime" part (not literal hate crime, just some angst) is rushed because I really didn't enjoy writing it :/

Black haired girl is Yoon Jiwoo from My Name, and she is a badass, if you want to see some female violence go watch some edits of her.

Taglist: @abbyily @lillysbigwilly @gravygranules @blairfox04 @frogtits1 @ccinnamongrl @ninazenuk @urmomsgirlfriend1 @sunkissedbibi @couchgarbage @nil-eena (if you want me to tag/untag you for the whole series dm me please)

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Caitlyn was again looking like a zombie, sipping her bitter coffee slowly. You were sitting in the coffee shop on the campus, and Caitlyn looked at you like a grumpy cat. Or a very pissed off cat. 

Caitlyn wasn't happy you distracted her (saved from exhaustion) from her studies (staring at her paper for an hour). But you didn't care as long as she sat with you and decompressed with her disgusting bitter 3-shots-of-espresso coffee. 

"You look like shit." You told Caitlyn and she glared at you. "You need to spend your weekend just sleeping for 30 hours. You can't do this to yourself."

"I'm fine." Caitlyn scoffed, but accepted the doughnut you slipped to her. "Thanks."

"I swear I will stay at your place for the weekend."

"I don't think you can be separated from Abby for so long, (y/n). Quite frankly, it makes me worried." 

Oh god, Cait had her detective face on, like she was solving a puzzle right now, and it made you nervous. 

"Why?"

"Well." Cait sipped her coffee. "You have the gay yearning in your eyes. Are you, perhaps, falling in love with her?"

"No." You cut sternly, surprising yourself. You didn't expect yourself to have such a strong reaction. "I'm not falling for a straight girl."

"Maybe falling was a strong word. You're crushing on her." The word crushing sounded so alien from Cait.

"It's manageable." You shrugged, not wanting to discuss your own weakness, but not wanting to lie to Caitlyn either. "I know I don't have a chance."

"This is quite upsetting." Caitlyn said and squeezed your hand. "I don't want you to get hurt."

"I won't, I promise. I'm not stupid." You winked and drank your coffee. "Do you want to come to her fight on Friday?"

"I have to finish that paper." Caitlyn groaned. She noticed how you narrowed your eyes on her. "I swear, I won't study during the weekend. But if I push myself I can finish it."

"I'll be at your door at 12pm on Saturday. We will go outside, have a walk in the park, go to the bookshop or whatever nerdy place you want to visit. We both can use some downtime."

Caitlyn sighed but didn't protest.

"I'll text you when I go to sleep. Count 8 hours and then show up."

You nodded, proud of Caitlyn compromising on this topic. She didn't like "wasting time" but if you said it was for your benefit too she usually agreed. You trapped her in taking care of herself by thinking she was taking care of you, and it worked well. 

"Ask Ellie to come with you to Abby's fight. I'm sure she is going to be there anyway."

"You're right." You smiled and took your phone out. You still had Ellie's number from months ago. "Have you talked to her?"

"Yes. We study together from time to time, and sometimes I invite her to play chess." 

"Good. I'm happy you found your nerdmate." You smiled at Caitlyn and she smiled back. "Or is there something else?"

"No, we're friends. Not the kind you are with Abby." Cait looked pointedly at you. "I may be speculating, but I have a feeling she is not as straight as she thinks she is."

"Well, what do you want me to do? 'Hey, Abby, I know you're so deep in the closet you met fucking Aslan but how about you change your entire worldview because I have a crush on you that I totally can get over?'" You scrunched your nose, irritated at nothing in particular. 

"Obviously not that." Caitlyn frowned like she usually did when she was stategising, as if she could find a way to get you and Abby together because she was just that smart. "Well, I think you should start dating again."

You shrugged and looked down at your phone. 

to: Ellie Williams

Hi, it's (y/n)

Are you going to Abby's fight on Friday?

from: Ellie Williams

Hi

Yeah

Wanna go together?

to: Ellie Williams

Yes

from: Ellie Williams

cool 

I'll meet you there

"I'm not going to use other people in order to get over Abby. I'm not fighting fire with fire." You said, continuing your conversation with Cait. 

"You could use a distraction." Caitlyn shrugged in return. 

"I'll just find someone to tutor." 

"And I'm a workaholic with bad habits?" Cait muttered under her breath and bit down on her second doughnut. 

Thursday nights were usually booked for the time to unwind for both of you: you'd come home late, tired and hungry after classes and lessons on campus, Abby would be already home, studying in the living room for her usual seminar on Friday, also tired. 

Abby heard the keys as you opened the door and in a few minutes you appeared in the living room.

"Hi." Abby's chest tightened at your small, quiet voice and she looked at you. 

"Hey." She said gently and panicked, not really understanding why. "You look like shit." Nice save, Anderson.

"I feel like shit." You shrugged and went to your room to take your change of clothes. 

Abby took a deep breath, trying to get her panic under control - what was that? What, she wasn't allowed to be gentle with her friends anymore? What the fuck her brain was playing at? That was concerning. For some reason she kept creating excuses why it was okay to touch you, and that wasn't even the weird, selfish part. The weird part was - why did she even need to create excuses? She was touchy with her friends, and you were touchy too, it wasn't any different from her friendship with Ellie.

But somehow it was, and Abby was confused. She tried to act chill and normal around you, sometimes getting a little more sarcastic than usual. It didn't seem to bother you, but Abby got embarrassed every time she'd suddenly treat you a little rougher because she'd get this weird panic. Honestly, it was pissing her off - you were nice to her, gentle even, and she was acting like a school boy, tugging on your pigtails. 

Just like now. You didn't look like shit, you looked lovely despite being tired, and Abby had a fucking knee jerk reaction to god knows what. 

You came back from the shower, smelling like you, and you sat next to Abby, putting your head on her shoulder. Abby stopped typing, her heart doing a micro somersault: you were so close so suddenly it scared her. Or whatever she kept telling herself, really. 

"I wanna die."

"You're just hungry." Abby murmured and pretended to be concentrating on her studies. "There's leftovers from yesterday or I can order something for you."

You made a tired sound and Abby chuckled. 

"What do you want? Thai? Indian?" 

"Nah, don't waste money, I'll cook something."

"I'm not 'wasting money'. You're tired as fuck." I want to take care of you, she wanted to say, but she was being weird again, so she didn't. "Just pick."

"Let's do rock paper scissors."

Abby won and ordered your usual while you went through the endless list of tv shows for both of you to watch. Now, when you weren't that close, Abby got back to studying - her weird panic could wait until she was done. In Abby's mind her gpa was way harder to fix than whatever emotional things she had going on. 

"Cait really likes Ellie." You said offhandedly, and Abby perked up. "In a friendly way."

"Really?" 

Abby was surprised for two reasons: Ellie had a temper and was only likeable when she was interested in someone sexually, and Cait was so out of her league it was ridiculous. 

"Yeah. They play chess and study together. Cait doesn't study with people, so I guess Ellie is special in that way."

"Wow." Abby chuckled. "I mean, Ellie is extremely smart. Is it your type?" Abby teased, continuing the bit about you crushing on Ellie. However something in her grew anxious at the thought of learning what your type was.

"It's more about her arms, you know." You laughed, looking a little embarrassed at the admission. 

Something felt hot in Abby’s chest as she looked down at her own arms. She looked back at you and flexed her bicep to see your reaction, and it was worth it: you looked dazed for a second before quickly looking away, flustered. Abby laughed at you and you hit her on her arm, embarrassed. 

“Fuck you.” You laughed too, and Abby felt too good in this moment, just laughing and teasing you; she never wanted it to end. "What is your type?"

Abby blinked. Her type? She never gave it a thought before: relationships weren’t something she was too invested in, it never seemed to be worth the effort. She never experienced this head over heels love everyone was talking about, so she never cared to run after boys.

"I don't really have a type." Abby said, thinking back to her not-so-long list of exes. "You know, with men if he is not an asshole it's already a win."

You laughed and Abby smiled, her confusion about not having a type going away.

"Great, we're definitely going to have a perfect love life with these standards." You chuckled and laid back on the sofa, letting Abby get back to her study. 

Abby's favourite part of Thursdays was happening around 10pm, when you'd finish washing the dishes - today it was putting everything in the bin - and Abby'd get her excessive amount of pillows and blankets so you two could cuddle and watch the next episode of the ridiculous show you both were too invested in. 

"Come on, come here." Abby said a little impatiently while you were putting some pillows away. 

"I'm not the one who made a fucking fort out of pillows." You grumped but soon enough you put your head on Abby's shoulder, your hands tucked in front of your chest. Abby always expected you to hug her around her middle, but you never did, and she wasn't sure how she felt about it. 

Sometimes, very rarely, when you'd get too tired, you'd fall asleep on Abby's chest, and Abby never had the heart to wake you up. You already showered, everything was clean and you didn't have any tasks to do, so why would she wake you up? Just so you could walk to your bedroom, your sleep interrupted? No. 

Abby looked down where your head was, curious if you were asleep after the episode ended, but you looked up just as she lowered her head, and fuck you were too close. So close Abby's heart fucking malfunctioned and started beating five times faster. She could feel your breath on her face and something was demolishing under her ribcage - it happened in a matter of seconds and you moved away, creating the distance between you, but Abby was so scared in that moment she didn't breathe. 

"Do you need to study?" You asked as you moved away and sat next to her. Abby tried not to feel disappointed at losing your warmth. 

"I'm done, actually. I feel kinda confident about tomorrow, you know?"

Abby stood up and started tidying up the living room, putting everything in its place.

"You're smart, Abby. You'd nail that seminar, I promise." 

"Thanks, (y/n). You're coming tomorrow to my fight, right?"

"Yeah. I even cleared my schedule for it." You said, pleased with yourself and Abby smiled. "But I'll kill you if you get hurt, you hear me? No missing punches."

Abby laughed and came closer to you, refusing to feel weird about being affectionate with you. It was fine. 

"I will be careful, I promise." Abby murmured as she leaned down and kissed your forehead. "Don't want to get in trouble with a woman who feeds me."

"Damn right." You said sternly. "Good night, Abby."

"Night, (y/n)."

You only had a vague idea about MMA fights: you were never really interested in sports, let alone violent sports, but well, Abby invited you so you decided to give it a shot. You weren't sure you'd like it (seeing Abby being punched? No thank you), but Abby wouldn't have invited you if it wasn't important to her, right?

Or were you fantasising again? Making a big deal out of nothing? Fuck, it was getting harder and harder to keep yourself in check with these things. Abby was sweet, and you were weak for sweet girls. 

You tried not to get delusional when your suspicion got too strong - was it intuition or wishful thinking? Were you seeing things that weren't there or were you ignoring what was? You didn't know, and yeah, it was manageable, but also - it drove you crazy. You couldn’t live like this, questioning Abby’s every move and every word.

Maybe you should have talked to her about the possibility of her not being straight, but her best friend was a lesbian, surely Abby had a moment to reflect on her own sexuality like some straight girls did when they found out their friend was gay. Abby was smart, she’d have figured it out already. 

God you thought you weren’t that stupid, but you were failing not to fall for Abby for a month and a half already. Hubris is a bitch, huh.

Ellie met you outside the place where the fight would take place fifteen minutes before the start. She looked good, as attractive as always - yes, (y/n), you needed to look at women you actually had a chance with, good job, keep it up - and the look she gave you suggested she thought the same about you. She even took your hand in hers as she led you to your seats, and you didn’t protest - somehow Ellie being touchy felt natural, and her cool hand felt nice on your skin. You sat together and you looked around.

“There’s supposed to be medics around, right?” 

“Yeah, but Abby doesn’t get super injured, she’ll be fine.”

“Have you seen her face? I almost went into cardiac arrest when I saw her.” 

“That’s her usual day at practice.” Ellie shrugged, her thigh warm against yours as she moved closer to hear you better. “Don’t worry, she can take a lot more than that. She is tough and intimidating, and she actually knows how to duck. But if you tell her I said it - your ass is grass.”

You laughed at Ellie's words and she smiled back. She explained to you how the fight was going to happen, and you felt a little hopeful - how much damage can happen in a five minute round? Not a lot, right? Right?

There were other fights too, and you had time to adjust to the overall violence of it all. You didn't know the girls who were fighting, but even then when a stranger got hit you couldn't help but flinch. Ellie noticed how stressed you were getting, so she took your hand in hers to ground you. The touch was definitely easy between the two of you, and it was comforting, so you squeezed her hand back. 

"I don't know if I'd survive this." You laughed and Ellie squeezed your hand back. 

"Look, they're all fine. No blood, no bruises." 

"The standards are too low, Ellie. You're in sports too, right?"

"If you call skateboarding a sport then yeah. I'm a hell of an athlete." Ellie snorted. 

"You should've taken Abby with you." 

"Babe, she has been in martial arts since she was four. I'm pretty sure she'd have kicked my ass if I asked her to leave MMA."

You laughed at this, a little bit confused: Ellie was behaving like Ellie you knew, not Ellie that was studying with Cait three times a week. The difference was intriguing. 

Finally Abby's name was announced and you got tense, bracing yourself. But when she walked to the cage, you forgot how to breathe for a totally different reason: she was so intimidating and confident, her defined shoulders rolled back in a threat, and you just couldn't help yourself. She was hot. She was so hot you pressed your thighs together as your eyes roamed over her trained body that screamed power and dominance, her top and shorts letting you see her abs and thighs that could crush your head if Abby wanted to. Fuck. 

Mark you as scared and horny. 

Her opponent was similar to her in size, and you watched with wide eyes as they approached each other after the bell rang. Abby was light on her feet, not too fast as previous fighters, but she timed her punches well, immediately cornering her opponent. But the girl was quick to recover as she landed some punches on Abby's side with her legs and you gasped, terrified.

"Abby's okay." Ellie said to you and you finally exhaled, not looking away from the cage. 

It was the most stressful eighteen minutes of your life, and the relief you felt when Abby was getting the upper hand and she was punching instead of getting punched, was immeasurable. Abby didn't really let her opponent corner her, her face had that calculated expression as if she knew every way this fight could go. That was comforting, but not as comforting as hearing the last bell and seeing Abby's black glove raised in the air to show her win. 

"That was so intense." You admitted as you relaxed in your seat and Ellie laughed, her hands stroking your thigh. 

"Believe me, it wasn't. You need to watch Abby's previous fights, there's some intense shit."

"No thank you." You said. "Do we wait for her or? What the fuck we are supposed to do, actually?"

"She told me to meet her at the party, so we can head out. Are you going to the party?"

"I dunno." You admitted sheepishly. "I have plans tomorrow."

"Come on, it will be fun. You can leave early and still get your beauty sleep. I can even set an alarm for you, Cinderella."

"Okay-okay. I'll leave at midnight." 

Abby arrived at the party a little later than she planned, but at least everyone was already having fun and not yet wasted. She quickly grabbed a beer and went through people to find Ellie and then find you - in Abby's head you were supposed to be with her. Ellie, however, was talking to her other friends - that was how Abby referred to anyone Ellie befriended in university - she was laughing and you were nowhere in sight. 

Ellie noticed her and went for a hug, patting her back.

"(Y/n) said your fight was 'so intense'." Ellie laughed and Abby laughed too, because they both knew Abby had way worse fights. "Congrats on not having your ribs broken."

"You're so sweet." Abby said mockingly. "What did I do to have such a supportive, caring best friend?"

"Nothing you should be proud of." 

"Have you seen (y/n)? I kinda thought she'd be with you."

"Yeah, she was talking to some girl." Oh. "Close to the bar." 

Something not really pleasant filled Abby's chest after Ellie's words, something like disappointment. She expected to see you there, but you were somewhere else, talking to someone else. 

Abby took a sip of her beer and went in the direction Ellie told her to find you. And yes, there you were, talking to a black haired girl Abby didn't know. It looked like the conversation was friendly, and the other girl didn't stand too close to you, which brought Abby relief - what the fuck was wrong with her? Why was she so uncomfortable with seeing you with someone else? What the fuck?

She walked through people to get closer to you, and when you turned your head you saw her and smiled. Abby smiled back and watched you touch the other girl's forearm, saying your goodbyes. The girl smiled at you and motioned at her phone as you nodded before she started to walk away. When Abby came to you, the girl wasn't there anymore and your smile was only directed at Abby, and it calmed her down, the normalcy of your life getting back. 

"Congratulations!" You hugged Abby tightly and she hugged back, stroking your back on instinct. 

"Did you like it?" Abby already knew the answer, but she really wanted to tease you. 

"Liked seeing people getting punched? No."

"But what about all those arms, hm?" 

"I swear to god, Abby." You elbowed her and Abby laughed. 

"Was it your friend?" Abby asked cautiously, trying to pass her curiosity as something casual. 

"Hm?"

"The girl you were talking to. I didn't want to interrupt, sorry." Was she really sorry? Maybe. 

"Oh, don't worry." You said, not answering Abby's question, and it made her feel not good. "Are you feeling okay though?"

"You're such a mother hen." Abby rolled her eyes. "My side is bruised, and she got my lip, but otherwise I'm fine."

"Great."

Abby spent the next hour glued to your side, talking to you: it was fun to be with you outside your shared apartment. Yeah, you spent time together on weekends, but being around a lot of people Abby knew and showing who she was friends with (yup, people knew you because you were a tutor on campus and a lot of them swore they got their credits thanks to you) was a cool feeling. Abby felt cool because she was friends with you. 

"I have plans tomorrow with Caitlyn." You said as you checked the time on your phone. "I'll head out."

"Already?"

"Yeah. But you have fun, okay? Call me if you need me." 

"Need you?" Abby raised her eyebrow.

"What if you get so drunk you'd need assistance?" You teased and hugged Abby. "Have fun! See you at home."

"Okay, mom." Abby laughed and watched you leave, just a bit sad. 

She found Ellie and hung out with her friends until she needed a refill of her beer. And while she was waiting for her beer, someone scooted closer to her and coughed, catching her attention. 

Abby turned her head to see a guy her age with a stubble. He smiled at her and Abby smiled back, a little confused.

"I was at your fight today." He said as he looked her over, and Abby got thrills from his attention. "You know how to throw a punch."

"Thanks." Abby said, pleased. Guys rarely liked the fact she could fuck them up, and hearing a guy saying she was good was ego boosting. 

"I'm Owen." He stretched his hand for a handshake, and Abby took it.

"Abby." 

The vibration of notifications woke you up and you expected to see Caitlyn’s message saying she finally went to sleep. You checked the time - 3am - and looked at your notifications. Indeed, Caitlyn messaged you half an hour ago with “if i see you earlier than 12pm ill kill you”, but there were other notifications. 

from: Abby

Hi im with a boy

sorry

promise we won’t be loud 

Your heart sank, but you didn’t even have time to process your emotions as you heard the front door open and people talking in hushed voices. Of fucking course you woke up just in time to hear Abby come home with a guy. They quickly made their way to Abby’s bedroom, trying to be quiet, but you got hyper aware of every noise. Fuck.

It hurt, and it hurt even more because you were so fucking stupid. You knew from the beginning Abby would never be interested in you because you were a girl, but the safety of your apartment where the two of you existed in your small little bubble made you delusional. 

Abby was just affectionate and touchy, and you were stupid and read it the way you wanted to read it, getting your hopes up. Stupidstupidstupid

You heard the bed creak on the other side of the wall and your throat tightened. Abby liked guys and she was having sex with a guy right now while you felt your heart crush, because you overestimated yourself and thought you could easily manage your feelings. 

The problem was that you forgot that feelings were not manageable and not something you could compromise with. You couldn’t just decide not to feel something and then actually stop feeling it. This mindset trapped you into repression and repression could only go so far, and now the fucking dam was broken. 

You were in love with Abby, and you had no chance and Caitlyn was right: you were hurting yourself. 

You didn’t cry, keeping your composure and snickering at the lack of the noise from the other side: either Abby was very quiet in bed or the sex wasn’t good. That thought made you feel better, not for any noble reason: you were hurt and you wanted Abby to not feel good too, and you didn’t really care at that moment that it wasn’t her fault.

Somehow you fell asleep, not bothered by any noise - that made you smile cruelly again - and you tried not to think about this situation and your own feelings.

Caitlyn was right, you needed a distraction. 

Abby woke up with a pleasant ache in her body and her head hurting just a little. Her bed was empty and she was relieved - she didn’t like to wake up next to someone she barely knew. 

Well, knew enough to have sex with him, but not enough to wake up next to him. Abby genuinely liked Owen - he was easy going and polite, and honestly? Maybe you were right when you said you didn’t really need to know someone to hook up with them. And hey, Abby was so touch-starved she was too touchy with you, so it seemed like a great idea yesterday. It felt like it worked - she was probably too lonely the whole time and now she was relaxed and there was no pull to go and cuddle you. It made her feel guilty - if she stopped wanting to be close to you after she hooked up then it meant she was just selfish this whole time, substituting what she actually needed with whatever she could get from you.

Yeah, she didn’t feel like a good person right now. 

Abby stood up from her bed and assessed the damage: two bruises on her inner thighs and a hickey on her collarbone, not that bad. She didn’t like when guys left marks on her - it mostly caused problems with covering up, but Owen was kinda good with not leaving marks everywhere. 

Abby put her clothes on and made her way to the bathroom when she felt her chest tighten with anxiety: not only Owen was still here, but he was talking to you. Shit. 

Abby felt bad for bringing someone home without actually discussing it with you beforehand and now you were making small talk at 11am with a guy who was supposed to leave a long time ago. 

Owen noticed Abby and smiled at her, and she smiled back. 

“Morning.” He looked down at her neck and Abby blushed a little. 

“Morning.” Abby responded and waited for Owen to come closer to her.

He put his hands on her waist and kissed her on the cheek and Abby melted a little.

“Sorry, I have to go already, but text me anytime.” Owen murmured before leaving a small peck on her lips and Abby nodded. 

Owen left and Abby went to the kitchen where you were drinking tea and looking ready for the day while Abby felt like a mess. The guilt overpowered her and she sat on the chair opposite of you.

“Sorry for yesterday, I know we haven’t discussed bringing people over.” Abby said, but you smiled at her.

“Hey, we are young and horny, can’t blame you for getting your stress relief.” You chuckled kindly, and Abby felt relieved. “He didn't seem like a total asshole.”

Abby laughed, knowing it was a pick at her standards.

“Well, just as you said, don’t really have to know him to hook up with him.”

“See, you’re learning.” You nodded your head approvingly and Abby laughed again. “Actually, while we’re still on the topic, can I bring girls over?”

“I mean, yeah, I think as long as we don’t disturb each other, everything is a fair game.” Who was Abby to deny your own needs when she literally brought a guy over?

“Oh, okay. Thanks.” You didn't look too happy right now, and it confused Abby to a degree, but she didn't ask.

What Abby didn’t know in that moment, that by giving you permission to bring girls over, she started the end of it all.

--------

To: Yoon Jiwoo

Hi! 

Would you like to grab a coffee with me?

[drorder]

Putting this under a cut bc idk how to do the equivalent of leaving a post untagged in a community where most everyone else already follows this blog anyway. This post is abt my Peppermint Character Interpretation Embarassment

Hey i was writing a whole ass essay (not a good one, but still an essay) abt peppermint as a character, and i was going back to ncct2 to make sure my interpretation of her is based in literally anything (non)canon, and turns out the peppermint in my head is just made up whole cloth. I have a version of this character in my head with a rich inner life and mental-health-related reasons for her being divorced from reality and a weirdly-relatable-but-pushed-and-intensified-for-the-story portrayal of the way loneliness and depression affect the ability to connect to other people (akin to the way Dr Order has gifted-kid issues pushed as far as they can go) that resonated a lot with me, and the reason she resonates so much with me is because i basically completely made up that whole deal.

Like ik that making super deep characterization and theories for characters without any canon backup is a cpuk community tradition so im not really embarrassed but this realization is so funny