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kindnessoverperfection · 2 months ago

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Lately, when I talk about someone I strongly disagree with, I think about my friends.

When I interact with someone who regularly rants about people, and tends to take things in the worst ways (without any attempts at self-reflection or grace), I feel more on-edge. I'm nervous to voice opinions. I'm always over-thinking everything I send them, worried about how they'll receive it.

On the other hand, I feel much safer during conversations where someone is speaking neutrally about those they feel at conflict with. When they feel upset about a situation, but without talking aggressively about the other person. Because I know that if we're ever in a disagreement, or have some sort of conflict or misunderstanding, they won't hurt me or suddenly hate me*.

I used to speak much more aggressively about people. My personality disorders, combined with online toxic environments, were big factors in that. I was stressed and angry constantly, and I felt justified, and I felt afraid and ashamed to respond with anything but anger. But to make a long story short, I had several big painful interpersonal experiences where I realized how my attitude was impacting my friends.

I remember the nervousness in my friends' eyes. I remember the people I've met who are much older and never grew out of that reactive communication style, and I don't want to be that person. I want my loved ones to feel safe around me.

So nowadays, I do my best to speak compassionately (or at least neutrally). Because I want to signal to my friends that I'm not going to be cruel to them, or to automatically believe the worst of them, during a conflict or misunderstanding. I try to vent about situations and my fears instead of people.

I wish I'd realized this before.

*(I discuss splitting in the tags)

#actuallynpd #actuallybpd #actuallyautistic #relationship advice #communication skills #I added the autism tag because we missed the social cues that would have alerted us of this early on #and that sure is a big thing we talk about in therapy.#Accidentally hurting people is so painful. We learned this back in 2020 and have been #practicing it ever since. We've wanted to share this with others because honestly a post like this would have prevented a lot of pain and #conflict.#And as promised; about the splitting-#This isn't a post meant to shame anyone for struggling with intense anger or distrust or splitting or any other symptom #My partner and I both have PDs. I've learned to self-regulate intense anger before venting. I've learned how to use more neutral words even #when I don't feel them. And when he splits on me he tells me he's having a BPD moment and that he needs some time alone #That's okay and healthy <3 Mental illness is tough. PTSD is tough. I often jump to the worst conclusions because I'm scared of being hurt.#I've just learned to handle it differently.#I wanted to clarify that because I don't want anyone to think they're inherently bad for having trauma reactions. My goal was to make the #type of post I needed back then when I lacked that social awareness. I had to work through a lot of guilt and shame and that was really #really hard. But it was so worth it. I'm so so glad she told me.

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fancifulflora · 1 year ago

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(SFW) Azad deserves a break and happiness so can I request a drabble where Azad's been having a hard day and gets a lot kisses as he cuddles with the Crown?

Terribly sorry that this took forever and a half- I literally spent a good few days trying to come up with ideas for this prompt that didn't feel too close to other things I've written. It may be a tad short since I'm still very much out of practice and am currently busy sacrificing my life to Baldur's Gate 3 lol

One would think that a childhood spent around the upper echelon of Arsurian nobility and the best tutors Arsur had to offer would have made dealing with the pests buzzing around the Crown easier for Azad.

The only thing it did manage, it seemed, was make the tired Captain all the more aware of the little plots and schemes being seeded around him. Not that he'd do much about it mind you, those matters were probably best left to the General or Sorcerer.

Still, it wouldn't hurt for some of these nobles to at least try a little harder. Even a child would be able to see through their thinly veiled promises and idle threats.

The sounds of nervous shuffling brought his attention back to one of the more persistent officials. Some lackey that was sent here to pressure the Crown no doubt. A gangly, unfortunate-looking one at that. Why were they still here?

"Were my words not clear enough?" Azad tilted his head a little as he studied the shorter figure before him, his glare making the poor official shrink back as if the look alone had struck them. "The Crown is currently preoccupied with important matters."

A complete and utter lie, but a believable one.

"Well, yes, I-I understand," The official stammered, fiddling with their hands as they frantically jerked their head left and right, searching along the empty corridors of the palace. Unfortunately for them, there'd be no one else to lend them aid at this time of night. "It's simply that the Mîrs were very insistent that-"

"They can and will wait till morning. Unless the situation is dire, I suggest you heed my previous warnings." Azad corrected his head, glowering down at the official who was quickly developing an interest in his khopesh, the metal shining under torchlight. "I will not repeat myself again, nor will I allow you to disturb the Crown's peace. Now go."

Though there was really no need to, Azad made the subtle movement of resting his palm against the hilt of his blade, finding a great deal of amusement as the official swallowed.

Without a moment of hesitation and with a flurry of apologies and deep bows, the poor sod dismissed themself. And once more, the hall was refilled with a blissful, beautiful silence. "... Are they gone?" A muffled voice called from behind him after a few minutes had passed. His Crown's voice.

"For now, yes," He nodded at an invisible guardsman, moving to enter the room just as said guard smoothly took his place outside the Crown's chambers.

"Thank goodness," The weary voice of the Crown breathed, paired with equally weary golden eyes. Azad couldn't exactly blame them either, anyone in their position would have been worn down by back-to-back meetings and a lengthy court session that, truth be told, went absolutely nowhere. Still, they managed a smile upon his entry. "I knew I could count on you to save the day."

"As much as I appreciate your thanks, it may be a little premature," Azad grinned, his posture relaxing now that he was off duty or as off duty as a Royal Protector could be at this time in the evening. "I've only postponed the inevitable. You'll have to deal with that mess in the morning."

A long groan came from his Crown, the ruler of Arsur springing up from their desk... only to wander a few steps and fall rather unceremoniously on their bed. "I need no reminders, thank you very much."

Azad stretched a little, feeling the slight pop of his joints that accompanied the familiar ache in his body from being so active for the past few days. The poor protector was so busy in fact, that the last time he could even remember being able to wind down like this with his Crown was...was...

Damn, that long, huh? He couldn't recall the last time they were together like this- being able to have each other all to themselves. The two still regularly trained together, but this was a different matter entirely.

"Have you eaten anything yet?" He then asked, clearing his mind and taking a seat beside his Crown who was now laid out on their side, facing him with a small frown on their face.

"I think I should be the one asking you that Azad," Their eyes studied him, the Royal Protector raising a small eyebrow under their scrutiny though he kept any retorts to himself. "You look... awful."

Surely he didn't look that bad, did he?

With a small laugh, he leaned against the back of the chair, glaring a little at his lover though his hazel eyes lacked any real fire. "You've got little room to speak yourself."

The Crown gave a small mock gasp, their body seeming to reenergize from the banter alone. "Excuse you, I thought I looked rather nice today!"

"Three meetings ago perhaps."

"Hmm... You didn't deny that I look nice though," With little effort, the Crown rolled on their stomach, elbows propping their body up while their chin nestled itself in the cradle of their hands.

Azad rolled his eyes at that one, the faintest warmth beginning to wash over his cheeks. "You're even worse than the Pale Sword somehow. Congratulations, it's no easy feat." Moving to stand and eager to change subjects, he gave his Crown a rather pointed look indicating that he was quite aware of their attempt to dodge his initial question. "Wait here, I'll go-"

"Oh no," Though still remaining playful, there was an intensity behind the Crown's words that did manage to make him pause for a moment, the ruler moving to get off their bed to push Azad back down into his seat with a gentle hand. "Stay right there. Get yourself comfortable while I go find someone to make a run to the kitchens."

The Crown didn't even wait for his answer, giving him the briefest of kisses before hurrying to the door to catch the attention of some passing servant.

Azad, knowing when to pick his battles and still worn from days of work, simply relented and carefully undid the fastenings on his weapons; getting up to leave them on the bedside table.

There were words traded between his Crown and a servant, the Captain pushing what he could hear to the back of his mind as he undid the clasps on his silver armor with practiced ease.

By the time the door shut once more, he had finished placing the last of his gear by the bed, Azad glancing over his shoulder at the Crown.

"It might take a while but I did request a small cup of mint tea for you."

"With honey?"

"Naturally," There with a hint of smugness to the words, the Crown getting comfortable once more with their back pressed against the plush pillows of their bed, only this time, beckoning Azad to join them.

The ruler of Arsur tried and failed to hide their smile when seeing their Royal Protector getting on the bed and settling by their side, his head pressed to their chest, drinking in the steady beat of his beloved's heart.

"That was easier than expected. Do you plan on saving the protests for later?"

Now it was Azad's turn to groan a little, closing his eyes to give them some much-needed rest. "Only because I'm far too worn out to argue against your wishes."

"You poor thing." The sarcasm was dripping as he felt light kisses press themselves against his cheeks and the corner of his lips. "Perhaps you want to trade with me? I could send you to tomorrow's court session in my stead, surely."

The mere thought alone could give him a headache, the Captain shaking his head. With his eyes still shut, he returned the kiss in kind. "Enticing as that idea sounds, I think the Mîrs are best left to you."

"Ughh."

"I'll be just beyond the doors if that is any consolation."

That got a laugh out of his Crown, Azad's smile pressing up against where he'd approximated the Crown's forehead would be. Another kiss traded between the two.

"Any chance I could convince you to stand guard, by my side, this time?"

Another kiss, this time from his partner, soft lips heating the edge of his jaw.

Ah.

The Captain opened his eyes with a slow blink and studied the grin plastered across his star's expression.

So that was how they were going to play it, bribery.

"Perhaps." Azad kept his voice light, resisting the urge to smile as another kiss was planted on him, this time on his brow.

"And now?"

"Still unconvinced." His voice was a soft velvet now, an observant gaze picking up the slightest shiver running down his Crown's spine.

Cute.

Another kiss was gifted to him, this time directly on his lips. His arms made their move, wrapping around the Crown. With the softest noise escaping his lover's lips, he pulled them into an embrace. The two practically melted together, a kiss the Crown had most certainly meant to be chaste and quick now slowing as the two got lost within one another.

Spirits, he truly did miss this, didn't he?

Somewhere along the sixteenth or so kiss was when Azad finally lost count, or rather, when he simply stopped bothering altogether. Time itself seemed beyond his comprehension as the Captain thoroughly savored each little reaction he could get out of his Crown. Not that he minded, of course, Azad being the type to take his time with his love.

He eventually pulled away for air, forehead pressed against his Crown's as the two recovered from their entanglement.

"Well? Have I successfully persuaded you?" The Crown's voice was lighter now, breathless, and a touch sultry, the glimmer of gold in their eyes swallowed by the darkness of their pupils.

Azad paused a moment to consider the question, weighing the bliss given to him by his love's presence with the hours of senseless prattling he'd have to endure.

"Perhaps. Though I might be able to give you a solid answer... after we eat."

The look of confusion on the Crown's face was priceless, the tender moment between them was cut off by a knock at the door. Azad seized the chance to get off the Crown and straighten himself out, though he did clock the look shot at him by his charge.

With a small turn away from his Crown who was undoubtedly disappointed by the interruption, Azad turned to answer the door feeling lighter than ever.

#a tale of crowns #atoc #azad/ashti #sfw #fluff #drabble #i forget my own tagging system god damn its been so long #after writing this i realize... i have an intense urge to kiss A all over their face. This has happened like twice. Two nickles worth #im not sure if it's ooc but i like the idea of A being more mischievous in private- I have a weakness for teases I'm sorry #no where near the fiend that is X though #more >:3c than anything #writing A is so fucking hard lmao i reread everything once before posting and getting their voice in properly pains me #am i too teasing? not quick witted enough? i dunno man

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