#this was actually from around the end of 2017 but i messed with it a bit just now

[dresshistorynerd]

The Real Cost of the Fashion Industry

Atacama Desert, in Alto Hospicio, Iquique, Chile. (source)

The textile industry is destroying the world. The industry is wasting massive amounts of energy and materials, and polluting the air, the ground and the water supplies. It overwhelmingly exploits it's labour and extracts wealth from colonized countries, especially in Asia. I assume we all broadly understand this, but I think it's useful to have it all laid out in front of you to see the big picture, the core issues causing this destruction and find ways how to effectively move forward.

The concerning trend behind this ever-increasing devastation are shortening of trend cycles, lowering clothing prices and massive amount of wasted products. Still in year 2000 it was common for fashion brands to have two collections per year, while now e.g. Zara produces 24 collections and H&M produces 12-16 collections per year. Clothing prices have fallen (at leas in EU) 30% from 1996 to 2018 when adjusted to inflation, which has contributed to the 40% increase in clothing consumption per person between 1996 and 2012 (in EU). (source) As the revenue made by the clothing industry keep rising - from 2017 to 2021 they doubled (source) - falling prices can only be achieved with increasing worker exploitation and decreasing quality. I think the 36% degrees times clothing are used in average during the last 15 years (source) is a clear indication on the continuing drop in quality of clothing. Clothing production doubled between 2000 and 2015, while 30% of the clothes produced per year are never sold and are often burned instead (source), presumably to prevent the returns from falling due to oversupply.

These all factors are driving people to overconsume. While people in EU keep buying more clothes, they haven't used up to 50% of the clothes in their wardrobe for over a year (source). This overconsumption is only made much worse by the new type of hyper fast fashion companies like SHEIN and Temu, which are using addictive psychological tactics developed by social media companies (source 1, source 2). They are cranking up all those concerning trends I mentioned above.

Under the cut I will go through the statistics of the most significant effects of the industry on environment and people. I will warn you it will be bleak. This is not just a fast fashion problem, basically the whole industry is engaging in destructive practices leading to this damage. Clothing is one of those things that would be actually relatively easy to make without massive environmental and human cost, so while that makes the current state of the industry even more heinous, it also means there's hope and it's possible to fix things. In the end, I will be giving some suggestions for actions we could be doing right now to unfuck this mess.

Carbon emissions

The textile industry is responsible for roughly 10% of the global CO2 emissions, more than aviation and shipping industry combined. This is due to the massive supply chains and energy intensive production methods of fabrics. Most of it can be contributed to the fashion sector since around 60% of all the textile production is clothing. Polyester, a synthetic fiber made from oil which accounts for more than half of the fibers used in the textile industry, produces double the amount of carbon emissions than cotton, accounting for very large proportions of all the emissions by the industry. (source 1, source 2)

Worker exploitation

Majority of the textiles are produced in Asia. Some of the worst working conditions are in Bangladesh, one of the most important garment producers, and Pakistan. Here's an excerpt from EU Parliament's briefing document from 2014 after the catastrophic Rana Plaza disaster:

The customers of garment producers are most often global brands looking for low prices and tight production timeframes. They also make changes to product design, product volume, and production timeframes, and place last-minute orders without accepting increased costs or adjustments to delivery dates. The stresses of such policies usually fall on factory workers.

The wage exploitation is bleak. According to the 2015 documentary The True Cost less than 2% of all garment factory workers earned a living wage (source). Hourly wages are so low and the daily quotas so high, garment workers are often forced through conditions or threats and demand to work extra hours, which regularly leads to 10-12 hour work days (source) and at worst 16 hour workdays (source), often without days off. Sometimes factories won't compensate for extra hours, breaching regulations (source).

Long working hours, repetitive work, lack of breaks and high pressure leads to increased risks of injuries and accidents. Small and even major injuries are extremely common in the industry. A study in three factories in India found that 70% of the workers suffered from musculosceletal symptoms (source). Another qualitative study of female garment workers and factory doctors in Dhaka found that long hours led to eye strain, headaches, fatigue and weight loss in addition to muscular and back pains. According to the doctors interviewed, weight loss was common because the workers work such long hours without breaks, they didn't have enough time to eat properly. (source) Another study in 8 factories in India found that minor injuries were extremely common and caused by unergonomic work stations, poor organization in the work place and lack of safety gear, guidelines and training (source). Safety precautions too are often overlooked to cut corners, which periodically leads to factory accidents, like in 2023 lack of fire exists and fire extinguishers, and goods stacked beyond capacity led to a factory fire in Pakistan which injured dozens of workers (source) or like in 2022 dangerous factory site led to one dead worker and 9 injured workers (source).

Rana Plaza collapse in 2013 is the worst industrial accident in recent history. The factory building did not have proper permits and the factory owner blatantly ignored signs of danger (other businesses abandoned the building a day before the collapse), which led to deaths of 1 134 workers and injuries to 2 500 workers. The factory had or were at the time working for orders of at least Prada, Versace, Primark, Walmart, Zara, H&M, C&A, Mango, Benetton, the Children's Place, El Corte Inglés, Joe Fresh, Carrefour, Auchan, KiK, Loblaw, Bonmarche and Matalan. None of the brands were held legally accountable for the unsafe working conditions which they profited off of. Only 9 of the brands attended a meeting to agree on compensation for the victim's families. Walmart, Carrefour, Auchan, Mango and KiK refused to sight the agreement, it was only signed by Primark, Loblaw, Bonmarche and El Corte Ingles. The compension these companies provided was laughable though. Primemark demanded DNA evidence that they are relatives of one of the victims from these struggling families who had lost their often sole breadwinner for a meager sum of 200 USD (which doesn't even count for two months of living wage in Bangladesh (source)). This obviously proved to be extremely difficult for most families even though US government agreed to donate DNA kits. This is often said to be a turning point in working conditions in the industry, at least in Bangladesh, but while there's more oversight now, as we have seen, there's clearly still massive issues. (source 1, source 2)

One last major concern of working conditions in the industry I will mention is the Xinjiang raw cotton production, which is likely produced mainly with forced labour from Uighur concentration camps, aka slave labour of a suspected genocide. 90% of China's raw cotton production comes from Xinjiang (source). China is the second largest cotton producer in the world, after India, accounting 20% of the yearly global cotton production (source).

Pollution

Synthetic dyes, which synthetic fibers require, are the main cause of water pollution caused by the textile industry, which is estimated to account for 20% of global clean water pollution (source). This water pollution by the textile industry is suspected of causing a lot of health issues like digestive issues in the short term, and allergies, dermatitis, skin inflammation, tumors and human mutations in the long term. Toxins also effect fish and aquatic bacteria. Azo dyes, one of the major pollutants, can cause detrimental effects to aquatic ecosystems by decreasing photosynthetic activity of algae. Synthetic dyes and heavy metals also cause large amounts of soil pollution. Large amounts of heavy metals in soil, which occurs around factories that don't take proper environmental procautions, can cause anaemia, kidney failure, and cortical edoem in humans. That also causes changes in soil texture, decrease in soil microbial diversity and plant health, and changes in genetic structure of organisms growing in the soil. Textile factory waste water has been used for irrigation in Turkey, where other sources of water have been lacking, causing significant damage to the soil. (source)

Rayon produced through viscose process causes significant carbon disulphide and hydrogen sulphide pollution to the environment. CS2 causes cardiovascular, psychiatric, neuropsychological, endocrinal and reproductive disorders. Abortion rates among workers and their partners exposed to CS2 are reported to be significantly higher than in control groups. Many times higher amounts of sick days are reported for workers in spinning rooms of viscose fiber factories. China and India are largest producers of CS2 pollution, accounting respectively 65.74% and 11,11% of the global pollution, since they are also the major viscose producers. Emission of CS2 has increased significantly in India from 26.8 Gg in 2001 to 78.32 Gg in 2020. (source)

Waste

The textile industry is estimated to produce around 92 million tons of textile waste per year. As said before around 30% of the production is never sold and with shortening lifespans used the amount of used clothing that goes to waster is only increasing. This waste is large burned or thrown into landfills in poor countries. (source) H&M was accused in 2017 by investigative journalists of burning up to 12 tonnes of clothes per year themselves, including usable clothing, which they denied claiming they donated clothing they couldn't sell to charity instead (source). Most of the clothing donated to charity though is burned or dumbed to landfills (source).

Most of the waste clothing from rich countries like European countries, US, Australia and Canada are shipped to Chile (source) or African countries, mostly Ghana, but also Burkina Faso and Côte d'Ivoire (source). There's major second-hand fashion industries in these places, but most of the charity clothing is dumbed to landfills, because they are in such bad condition or the quality is too poor. Burning and filling landfills with synthetic fabrics with synthetic dyes causes major air, water and soil pollution. The second-hand clothing industry also suppresses any local clothing production as donated clothing is inherently more competitive than anything else, making these places economically reliant on dumbed clothing, which is destroying their environment and health, and prevents them from creating a more sustainable economy that would befit them more locally. This is not an accident, but required part of the clothing industry. Overproduction let's these companies tap on every new trend quickly, while not letting clothing the prices in rich countries drop so low it would hurt their profits. Production is cheaper than missing a trend.

Micro- and nanoplastics

There is massive amounts of micro- and nanoplastics in all of our environment. It's in our food, drinking water, even sea salt (source). Washing synthetic textiles accounts for roughly 35% of all microplastics released to the environment. It's estimated that it has caused 14 million tonnes of microplastics to accumulate into the bottom of the ocean. (source)

Microplastics build up into the intestines of animals (including humans), and have shown to probably cause cause DNA damage and altered organism behavior in aquatic fauna. Microplastics also contain a lot of the usual pollutants from textile industry like synthetic dyes and heavy metals, which absorb in higher quantities to tissues of animals through microplastics in the intestines. Studies have shown that the adverse effect are higher the longer the microplastics stay in the organism. The effects cause major risks to aquatic biodiversity. (source) The health effects of microplastics to humans are not well known, but studies have shown that they could have adverse effects on digestive, respiratory, endocrine, reproductive and immune systems. (source)

Microplastics degrade in the environment even further to nanoplastics. Nanoplastic being even smaller are found to enter blood circulation, get inside cells and cross the blood-brain barrier. In fishes they have been found to cause neurological damage. Nanoplastics are also in the air, and humans frequently breath them in. Study in office buildings found higher concentration of nanoplastics in indoor air than outdoor air. Inside the nanoplastics are likely caused mostly by synthetic household textiles, and outdoors mostly by car tires. (source) An association between nanoplastics and mitochondrial damage in human respiratory cells was found in a recent study. (source)

Micro and nano plastics are also extremely hard to remove from the environment, making it even more important that we reduce the amount of microplastics we produce as fast as possible.

What can we do?

This is a question that deserves it's own essays and articles written about it, but I will leave you with some action points. Reading about these very bleak realities can easily lead to overwhelming apathy, but we need to channel these horrors into actions. Whatever you do, do not fall into apathy. We don't have the luxury for that, we need to act. These are industry wide problems, that simply cannot be fixed by consumerism. Do not trust any clothing companies, even those who market themselves as ethical and responsible, always assume they are lying. Most of them are, even the so called "good ones". We need legislation. We cannot allow the industry to regulate itself, they will always take the easy way out and lie to their graves. I will for sure write more in dept about what we can do, but for now here's some actions to take, both political and individual ones.

Political actions

Let's start with political actions, since they will be the much more important ones. While we are trying to dismantle capitalism and neocolonialism (the roots of these issues), here's some things that we could do right now. These will be policies that we should be doing everywhere in the world, but especially rich countries, where most of the clothing consumption is taking place. Vote, speak to others, write to your representative, write opinion pieces to your local papers, engage with democracy.

Higher requirements of transparency. Right now product transparency in clothing is laughably low. In EU only the material make up and the origin country of the final product are required to be disclosed. Everything else is up to the company. Mandatory transparency is the only way we can force any positive changes in the production. The minimum of transparency should be: origin countries of the fibers and textiles in the product itself; mandatory reports of the lifecycle emissions; mandatory reports of whole chain of production. Right now the clothing companies make their chain of production intentionally complex, so they have plausible deniability when inevitably they are caught violating environmental or worker protection laws (source). They intentionally don't want to be able to track down their production chain. Forcing them to do so anyway would make it very expensive for them to keep up this unnecessarily complex production chain. These laws are most effective when put in place in large economies like EU or US.

Restrictions on the use of synthetic fibers. Honestly I think they should be banned entirely, since the amount of microplastics in our environment is already extremely distressing and the other environmental effects of synthetic fibers are also massive, but I know there are functions for which they are not easily replaced (though I think they can be replaces in those too, but that's a subject of another post), so we should start with restrictions. I'm not sure how they should be specifically made, I'm not a law expert, but they shouldn't be used in everyday textiles, where there are very easy and obvious other options.

Banning viscose. There are much better options for viscose method that don't cause massive health issues and environmental destruction where ever it's made, like Lyocell. There is absolutely no reason why viscose should be allowed to be sold anywhere.

Governmental support for local production by local businesses. Most of the issues could be much more easily solved and monitored if most clothing were not produced by massive global conglomerations, but rather by local businesses that produce locally. All clothing are made by hand, so centralizing production doesn't even give it advantage in effectiveness (only more profits for the few). Producing locally would make it much more easier to enforce regulations and it would reduce production chains, making production more effective, leaving more profits into the hands of the workers and reducing emissions from transportation. When the production is done by local businesses, the profits would stay in the producing country and they could be taxed and utilized to help the local communities. This would be helpful to do in both exploited and exploiter countries. When done in rich countries who exploit poorer ones, it would reduce the demand for exploitation. In poor countries this is not as easily done, since poor means they don't have money to give around, but maybe this could be a good cause to put some reparations from colonizers and global corporations, which they should pay.

Preventing strategic accounting between subsidiaries and parent companies. Corporate law is obviously not my area of expertise, but I know that allowing corporations to move around the accounting of profits and losses between subsidiaries and parent companies in roughly 1980s, was a major factor in creating this modern global capitalist system, where corporations can very easily manipulate their accounting to utilize tax heavens and avoid taxes where they actually operate, which is how they are upholding this terrible system and extracting the profits from the production countries. How specifically this would be done I can't tell because again I know shit about corporate law, so experts of that field should plan the specifics. Overall this would help deal with a lot of other problems than just the fashion industry. Again for it to be effective a large economic area like EU or US should do this.

Holding companies accountable for their whole chain of production. These companies should be dragged to court and made to answer for the crimes they are profiting of off. We should put fear back into them. This is possible. Victims of child slavery are already doing this for chocolate companies. If it's already not how law works everywhere, the laws should be changed so that the companies are responsible even if they didn't know, because it's their responsibility to find out and make sure they know. They should have been held accountable for the Rana Plaza disaster. Maybe they still could be. Sue the mother fuckers. They should be afraid of us.

Individual actions

I will stress that the previous section is much more important and that there's no need to feel guilty for individual actions. This is not the fault of the average consumer. Still we do need to change our relationship to fashion and consumption. While it's not our fault, one of the ways this system is perpetuated, is by the consumerist propaganda by fashion industry. And it is easier to change our own habits than to change the industry, even if our own habits have little impact. So these are quite easy things we all could do as we are trying to do bigger change to gain some sense of control and keep us from falling to apathy.

Consume less. Better consumption will not save us, since consumption itself is the problem. We consume too much clothing. Don't make impulse purchases. Consider carefully weather you actually need something or if you really really want it. Even only buying second-hand still fuels the industry, so while it's better than buying new, it's still better to not buy.

Take proper care of your clothing. Learn how to properly wash your clothing. There's a lot of internet resources for that. Never wash your wool textiles in washing machine, even if the textile's official instructions allow it. Instead air them regularly, rinse them in cool water if they still smell after airing and wash stains with water or small amount of (wool) detergent. Never use fabric softener! It damages the fabrics, prevents them from properly getting clean and is environmentally damaging. Instead use laundry vinegar for making textiles softer or removing bad smells. (You can easily make laundry vinegar yourself too from white vinegar and water (and essential oils, if you want to add a scent to it) which is much cheaper.) Learn how to take care of your leather products. Most leather can be kept in very good condition for a very long time by occasional waxing with beeswax.

Use the services of dressmakers and shoemakers. Take your broken clothing or clothing which doesn't fit anymore to your local dressmaker and ask them if they can do something about it. Take your broken and worn leather products to your local shoemaker too. Usually it doesn't cost much to get something fixed or refitted and these expert usually have ways to fix things you couldn't even think of. So even if the situation with your clothing or accessory seems desperate, still show it to the dressmaker or shoemaker.

If it's extremely cheap, don't buy it. Remember that every clothing is handmade. Only a small fraction of the cost of the clothing will be paying the wages of the person who made it with their hands. If a shirt costs 5 euros (c. 5,39 USD), it's sewer was only payed mere cents for sewing it. I'm not a quick sewer and it takes me roughly 1-2 hours to cut, prepare and sew a simple shirt, so I'm guessing it would take around half an hour to do all that for a factory worker on a crunch, at the very least 15 minutes. So the hourly pay would still be ridiculously low. However, as I said before, the fact that the workers in clothing factories get criminally low pay is not the fault of the consumer, so if you need a clothing item, and you don't have money to buy anything else than something very cheep, don't feel guilty. And anyway expensive clothing in no way necessarily means reasonable pay or ethical working conditions, cheep clothing just guarantee them.

Learn to recognize higher quality. In addition to exploitation, low price also means low quality, but again high price doesn't guarantee high quality. High quality allows you to buy less, so even if it's not as cheep as low quality, if you can afford it, when you need it, it will be cheaper in long run, and allows you to consume less. Check the materials. Natural fibers are your friends. Do not buy plastic, if it's possible to avoid. Avoid household textiles from synthetic fibers. Avoid textiles with small amounts of spandex to give it stretch, it will shorten the lifespan of the clothing significantly as the spandex quickly wears down and the clothing looses it's shape. Also avoid clothing with rubber bands. They also loose their elasticity very quickly. In some types of clothing (sport wear, underwear) these are basically impossible to avoid, but in many other cases it's entirely possible.

Buy from artisans and local producers, if you can. As said better consumption won't fix this, but supporting artisans and your local producers could help keep them afloat, which in small ways helps create an alternative to the exploitative global corporations. With artisans especially you know the money goes to the one who did the labour and buying locally means less middlemen to take their cut. More generally buy rather from businesses that are located to the same country where the production is, even if it's not local to you. A local business doesn't necessarily produce locally.

Develop your own taste. If you care about fashion and style, it's easy to fall victim to the fashion industry's marketing and trend cycles. That's why I think it's important to develop your personal sense of style and preferences. Pay attention at what type of clothes are comfortable to you. Go through your wardrobe and track for a while which clothing you use most and which least. Understanding your own preferences helps you avoid impulse buying.

Consider learning basics of sewing. Not everyone has the time or interest for this, but if you in anyway might have a bit of both, I suggest learning some very simple and basic mending and reattaching a button.

Further reading on this blog: How to see through the greenwashing propaganda of the fashion industry - Case study 1: Shein

Bibliography

Academic sources

An overview of the contribution of the textiles sector to climate change, 2022, L. F. Walter et al., Frontiers in Environmental Science

How common are aches and pains among garment factory workers? A work-related musculoskeletal disorder assessment study in three factories of south 24 Parganas district, West Bengal, 2021, Arkaprovo Pal et al., J Family Med Prim Care

Sewing shirts with injured fingers and tears: exploring the experience of female garment workers health problems in Bangladesh, 2019, Akhter, S., Rutherford, S. & Chu, C., BMC Int Health Hum Rights

Occupation Related Accidents in Selected Garment Industries in Bangalore City, 2006, Calvin, Sam & Joseph, Bobby, Indian Journal of Community Medicine

A Review on Textile and Clothing Industry Impacts on The Environment, 2022, Nur Farzanah Binti Norarmi et al., International Journal of Academic Research in Business and Social Sciences

Carbon disulphide and hydrogen sulphide emissions from viscose fibre manufacturing industry: A case study in India, 2022, Deepanjan Majumdar et al., Atmospheric Environment: X

Microplastics Pollution: A Brief Review of Its Source and Abundance in Different Aquatic Ecosystems, 2023, Asifa Ashrafy et al., Journal of Hazardous Materials Advances

Health Effects of Microplastic Exposures: Current Issues and Perspectives in South Korea, 2023, Yongjin Lee et al., Yonsei Medical Journal

Nanoplastics and Human Health: Hazard Identification and Biointerface, 2022, Hanpeng Lai, Xing Liu, and Man Qu, Nanomaterials

Other sources

The impact of textile production and waste on the environment (infographics), 2020, EU

Chile’s desert dumping ground for fast fashion leftovers, 2021, AlJazeera

Fashion - Worldwide, 2022 (updated 2024), Statista

Fashion Industry Waste Statistics & Facts 2023, James Evans, Sustainable Ninja (magazine)

Everything You Need to Know About Waste in the Fashion Industry, 2024, Solene Rauturier, Good on You (magazine)

Textiles and the environment, 2022, Nikolina Šajn, European Parliamentary Research Service

Help! I'm addicted to secondhand shopping apps, 2023, Alice Crossley, Cosmopolitan

Addictive, absurdly cheap and controversial: the rise of China’s Temu app, 2023, Helen Davidson, Guardian

Workers' conditions in the textile and clothing sector: just an Asian affair? - Issues at stake after the Rana Plaza tragedy, 2014, Enrico D'Ambrogio, European Parliamentary Research Service

State of The Industry: Lowest Wages to Living Wages, The Lowest Wage Challenge (Industry affiliated campaign)

Fast Fashion Getting Faster: A Look at the Unethical Labor Practices Sustaining a Growing Industry, 2021, Emma Ross, International Law and Policy Brief (George Washington University Law School)

Dozens injured in Pakistan garment factory collapse and fire, 2023, Hannah Abdulla, Just Style (news media)

India: Multiple factory accidents raise concerns over health & safety in the garment industry, campaigners call for freedom of association in factories to ‘stave off’ accidents, 2022, Jasmin Malik Chua, Business & Human Rights Resource Center

Minimum Wage Level for Garment Workers in the World, 2020, Sheng Lu, FASH455 Global Apparel & Textile Trade and Sourcing (University of Delaware)

Rana Plaza collapse, Wikipedia

Buyers’ compensation for Rana Plaza victims far from reality, 2013, Ibrahim Hossain Ovi, Dhaka Tribune (news media)

World cotton production statistics, updated 2024, The World Counts

Dead white man’s clothes, 2021, Linton Besser, ABC News

[tunal0verr]

Recorded memories

Toge Inumaki x reader

Content: Wee bit of angst(mb chat) takes place after the shibuya incident so spoilers!! does use she/her pronouns mb chat人(_ _*) use of y/n

Summary: A glimpse into a few memory's with a certain curse speech caught on a gifted camera

A/N:not checked and i didnt clam to be a author team but inumaki nation was lowkey dry recently and if u cant find the art U GOTTAAA MAKE IT YOURSELF ＼（゜э゜）／

December 25th, 2017

“How do I know if it's on?” the voice was quiet as the focus of the video pointed down revealing shredded wrapping paper and an open box.

“Salmon” The camera shook before it pointed up at Y/N

“OH! It's on” She smiled at the boy behind the camera

 “Heyyy vlog it's your favorite y/nn” She took the camera from his hands and lifted it showing the mess of Christmas wrapping

“My super BFF Toge Inumaki got me this camera everybody say thank you Toge” She wiggled the camera up close to his face as he scrunched his nose.

March 13th, 2018

“Welcome back vlog” she whispered to the camera lens before moving the camera back swiftly 

“I am here with my co-host Inumaki and we are on the train going on a mission,” she said moving around in her seat to lay over into his lap blocking whatever game he was playing pointing the camera up at him at a very unflattering angle as he looked down

“Bonito flakes” he sighed as he looked down at her

“That's what I'm saying” she agreed laughing turning the camera to face herself before it fell cutting the recording short

October 31st, 2018

The camera was getting rustled around before it settled on her desk

“Um… do my makeup with me as my best friend is on a life-threatening mission while I have to stay back at the school” She gave the camera a small weak smile

“It's not like he's alone like our other friends are there but” she paused as she sighed

“He isn't  answering his text and I'm worried more because it's just different cause it Inumaki-not saying I don't care about our friends I love them to bits just” Her brows knotted as she looked down through the bag on her lap rambling 

“It's just different between me and Toge it's more comfortable- whatever this is stupid” She snatched the camera rolling her eyes before it turned off

December 31st, 2017

“It's almost midnight vlog” she giggled on the bed moving the camera to sit on pillows

“Are we gonna kiss tonight?” she joked nudging Toge with a smile as a blush crept up to decorate the tips of his ears

“Salmon roe” Toge shoved her back rolling his eyes before typing on his phone to show her

“Why would I kiss you you smell horrible” she fakes reading out with a gasp from his phone as he sat up shaking his head making an X with his arms

She looked up at the camera “he hates me guys my own best friend” she sighed looking down dramatically 

“Tuna mayo!” he groaned pouting at her pushing her shoulder again causing her to laugh and grab the camera 

 “stay tuned to find out if we actually kiss” she stuck her tounge out as she started to move the camera closer to Toge’s fake before he opened his mouth the camera cut 

April 10th, 2018

“And here we have a wild Toge Inumaki resting in the wild” The camera zoomed in on his sleeping face

 “Magnificent creature one of a kind,” she said mocking a fake Australian accent

 “Now we must be careful not to disturb the beast” She leaned the camera closer to his face before his eye peeked open and she gasped

“You're not even sleeping you're a faker!” she laughed as he smiled as it look like he charged at the camera before the recording abruptly ended

August 21st, 2018

The screen is covered with a sliver of the room being shown as a frustrated groan is heard at a distance 

“Like did you ever consider how I would feel? I get you and Yuuta are close and stuff but it doesn't mean ditch me to go and make the same plans with Yuuta” Y/n voice strained as she reprimanded him

“Fish flakes!” Toge’s voice sounded desperate 

“Put the phone down can you do that for once? Just listen to me! For someone who can't speak right you sure are a bad listener,” y/n yelled harshly “Wait no comeback” 

Toge pauses for a second before even considering what y/n just said to him her. Once he does he just stares at her with only a look that can be described as heartbreak before turning and walking out with a harsh slam of the door followed by y/n groans before everything where the camera sat was pushed causing the recording to stop.

Present

She paused and grimaced after watching the last video 

“I should probably delete that right?” she turned to him as there was still no reply from his part

“I didn't mean it you know” her words getting caught in her throat as her voice trembled “You don't have to fake no more Toge get up” She went to go grab his hand but she was only met with the empty bed space that was once occupied by his hand 

“Please wake up we can't just end as best friends I don't want to end just as best friends” She began to sob as she laid on top of his lap as his body rested in the infirmary bed her tears made the room go blurry as they clouded her vision as she poured her heart out in his lap. She moved her arms to wrap around her head blocking out the world. Blocking out the small smile that danced across Toge’s lips

He never was a good fake sleeper

A/N: if this is ass its not fault guys its 3am and a hoe is tired fr

[svt-kiki]

( 🩹 )　FEEL THE TEMPERATURE　　⌅ .

　　　　　　　　 MDNi　｡｡　one night stand(s) and flirts

✦　SEXUAL CONTENTS　𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗼𝗿𝘀 𝗱𝗻𝗶 cw.　pet names, possessive, one sided pining, sub!kiki, kiki being dull to others romantic feelings, mentions to sexual acts in general, threesome

𝐂𝐇𝐎𝐈 𝐒𝐄𝐔𝐍𝐆𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐎𝐋

lose innocence to each other ™

seungcheol has the hardest crush on her throughout trainee days, and kiki liked back too, but both were afraid to take actions and risk everything

they slept after seventeen’s debut was decided, made a promise this is the first and the last

lots of messy kisses, happy sad tears, giggles and comforts

and they kept the promise... for a while

started to making out again around 2017 to 2018, get laid time to time since then

after the concert sex with a heat 🫣

they just know each other so well, aware exactly what to do

kiki is kinda passive when it comes to intimate sessions, got turned on only when someone she trusts or loves flirts her directly with intention ( kinda demi sexual / recipro sexual-ish )

but oh after he build up his body so well like that 🫦

not he insists her to sit on his face especially during his injury

cheol kisses every inches of her body like unless he would die

he loves how she takes him so well when he gaves deep penetration

“words, honey.”

“you doing so well babe, so fucking good around me,”

PET NAMES

“c-cheol, wait, i can’t take this anymore,” “then just use safe words sweetheart. no? interesting.” *smirks*

possessive possessive possessive

“you may fool around with other guys but i don’t care. you are made for me and the body knows it.”

actually, he cares but tries his best to hold back and not be too much

𝐈𝐌 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐊𝐘𝐔𝐍

friends with benefits ft. one sided pining

they were good friends for years, he kinda had a slight feeling for her from beginning but nothing deep that just make platonic friendship and mutual respect more stronger

until 2019

they both had a tough time back then, started make some songs together for fun and self-therapy

then had a drink too much the night celebrating the release of their first collab song

ended up wake up in the same bed, naked

she hadn’t remembered the every details but he did, made him kinda obsessed with her

they have a good bed chem indeed

some of his songs are inspired from her cough god damn and lure cough

like why you think he shot the mv in hokkaido at first place??

lots of teasing, like, lots of it

“hmm, like that? if you can’t tell i’ll teach you.”

“you want gentle? wrong fucking address.”

whispers dirty words into her ear in english with deep voices it can make her cum pretty easily

“god you taste like heaven,”

changkyun knows a lot, takes her to whole new level in the bed, kinda eye-opening experience for her ngl

he can eats her out and left no crumbs 😮‍💨

“you keep your hands where they are or i’ll tie them up.”

and she might like that

he knew this feeling won’t sit right between them so just act like cool and gets extra in bed instead

𝐊𝐈𝐌 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐘𝐔

he’s her bad little squishy

this is the last thing she wanted to do but who can unbend their morals and resist him?

he also kinda obsessed with her throughout the time, ( i mean lots of people are ) mixture of crush, love, longing and possessive

just no one is better than her and he always knew it

something rarely, first happened in 2020

mingyu learned how to make her say yes, finally

and kiki lost the reasons to not

“trust me, i’ll take good care of you, okay?”

“noona so cute, being fuzzy like this under me, because of me.”

get the man like him, being gentle!dom and down bad at the same time

“don’t be so serious, we just have fun, no one hurts. right? i mean unless you want to-” “kim mingyu!” *smacks*

“i need you so bad, noona, please, i’m going to be crazy,”

that hands and fingers, able to create a mess as much as (s)he wants

“have a little trust in yourself, i know you can take it.”

kiki can use him like a boy toy if she wants to and he would thank her for it ( not that she will but that’s how their dynamics work )

deep thrusts, fingering, fuck like a nothing while her legs on his shoulders

🚨 overstimulation 🚨

his length can streches her out so well, surprisingly

𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐘𝐔 & 𝐒𝐄𝐔𝐍𝐆𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐎𝐋

oh there they go

kiki and cheol’s relation is half open secret among the group, so mingyu was willing for the idea first

happened somewhere in fts era

three of them went a casual dinner, mingyu was staring at her with desire and flirted with her in the language only they knew the whole time and she noticed it but tried to keep it cool ( not a miserable attempt buttt )

then cheol also noticed but didn’t feel bad or anything somehow

*gaze exchanging between boys*

“how about making special memories for tonight? i mean, with both of us?”

kiki just gave up on lining up the reasons why they shouldn’t, because at the end of the day, it was never why they, or she don’t want to

they got wet, or soaked in multiple meanings

the one whispering, kissing or touching while the other hitting the spot made her confusing in a good way

challengers who? they are the original

gyucheol do the perfect combo of competitive and cooperate...

“just a little more. you can take a little more, can’t you?”

“hyung, looks like she’s gonna cum.”

“huh, again? we barely even touched you, love.”

𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐍 𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐂𝐇𝐈𝐎

FIRST OF ALL

kiki almost threw up when she heard his age like wtf you mean you are not 90s kid while look like that-

happened in february 2024 while kiki doing collab work with måneskin in italy after attended milan fashion week

they already had been texting each other couple months since kiki had done the interview contents for the band ( imagine something like jennie and billie eilish ) in dec, 2023 in japan

kiki loves their music and they be like no way THAT kiki is our fan omg???

she always wanted to improve her drum skills because she thinks it’s the coolest instrument in the rock band so genuinely asks him questions and he likes that

their chemistry just kicked off right after they met

ethan longing at her and smiled her every time she looked him back that made her giggle

he was melting when she tucked his hair behind the ear with permission

ngl it made her surprised and blushy how they are open to the sexual topic conversation with casual and comfortable manne

ended up kiki think about how herself thinks and prefers intimate actions that she’ve never put into words before and surely was a good thing

all victoria, damiano and thomas willing to be the wingman kinda funny ( they be like go ethan just do it or you won’t get another chance with HER?!?! *whispers loudly* )

but she never thought in that way until he came out straight, running out patients

thought he’s kinda too young for her, or it can be inappropriate even tho ethan is already fully adult ( of course he is ) and nothing really needs to worry that much like she does

kiki overthinking but that’s bcs she was afraid to hurt him or gave him bad influence in any kind, which is never capable of someone thoughtful like her

“please tell me i’m not having a wrong idea,”

“i mean- it’s not but- are you really sure about this?”

“find out yourself then.” *leads her into the bedroom*

she secretly loves he brushes back that gorgeous long hair to bend down and kiss her and do more

slowly, romantic movements

he laces her silhouettes and spines gently, gave her a tender shiver

shower sex in the morning after ;)

they made a secret promise that they will be the only italian / japanese fuck buddy in their life ( half joke, half serious )

(    📁    )   :   NAVI   :  MASTER LIST     

(    tag list    )   :   @smh-anon @jennwonwoo @angie-x3 @scarlet789

[jaymber]

I connected the dots! (a.k.a. I'm autistic and "meta" isn't enough)

Okay, okay! I get the whole anchor-being thingy being a metaphor for the X-Men franchise falling apart since Jackman's retirement as Wolverine, but.... I'm autistic and had to look at it too deeply !

I came with this conclusion that solve most questions regarding D&W's main plot!

Ooookay, maybe I need to explain it further....

So, the main questions I had/heard after watching D&W were :

Why would Logan's death in 2029 affect Wade's timeline in 2024 ?

So, first thing first : Logan (2017) isn't set in the same universe as the rest of the X-Men franchise. It's set on Earth-17315, though it's unclear which events differ from Deadpool's universe (Earth-TRN414).

The anchor being residing in a different universe means all the movies we saw, except for Logan (2017), were NOT main timelines, but branches.

When Mr. Paradox talked about pruning Deadpool's universe, he meant cutting down the whole tree, every universe derived from Logan (2017)'s timeline. The "trunk" slowly withering, all the "branches" will slowly die with it, including Deadpool's universe.

Yeah, but it's the future...

Actually, the notions of past, present, and future don't mean the same thing from one universe to the next. One example would be Logan from Earth-21923 (a.k.a. Old Man Logan), who fought the War of 1812 (despite most Logan variants being born in the 1880's) :

[ Source : Old Man Logan (2016) #21 ]

Meaning, who's to say when year zero of each universe starts. 2029 doesn't mean anything... It doesn't matter when the anchor being died, he just isn't here anymore at the time of Wade's present.

Logan (2017) is a different universe, okay... So, why didn't Wade go to his timeline's Logan for help ?

I don't have a 100% irrefutable answer here, but...

a) It's Deadpool, who's just traveled to another universe (Logan (2017)'s) and might've wanted to check out other universes ;

b) Logan from Earth-TRN414 is already gone. Logan has died a bunch of times on Earth-616. For example, in the OG Infinity Gauntlet event, Wolverine died by Thanos' hands.

[ Source : Infinity Gauntlet (1991) #4 ]

c) Deadpool has messed with the timeline of Earth-10005 (the Fox X-Men Universe up to the Events of Days of the Future Past) by killing a variant of himself. We can't say how that affected Earth-10005, from which Logan from Wade's universe is originally from... Lemme explain myself here by answering another question :

Are there two Logans and two Lauras in Wade's timeline now ?

Applying the logic of the other movies, no. The Worst Wolverine and Laura (Earth-17315) replaced the ones from Earth-TRN414, if there were still/already existing.

In Days of the Future Past, Logan (Earth-10005) wakes up on Earth-TRN414, an universe where Scott and Jean didn't die. He only remembers the events from his universe, but every other person remembers their version of Logan. By changing the past, Logan didn't fix his timeline, but made his universe (Earth-10005) disappear in favor of another (Earth-TRN414).

Linking this to my previous point : Logan from Earth-TRN414 has been overwritten by a variant from Earth-10005, the same Logan that Deadpool interacted with in the end of Deadpool 2. Butterfly effect, etc. Either the Worst Wolverine erased Logan, or Logan was already gone, and the Worst Wolverine "filled the spot".

Again, I *know* there's a meta explanation about the X-Men & Co. universe revolving around Wolverine (even more so now that they got Dafne Keen as well to take over the role until she's herself 90 or something), but my brain needed a diegetic answer to my questions 😅

[flagellant]

Would love to hear more about your rabid animal encounter!

It was in 2017 at the time and I was working out in the national forests of California. I came into work one day at my ranger's station and there was way more chaos than I expected--turns out that someone had reported a suspected rabid skunk overnight after it bit a dog in a nearby town and it'd been brought in for testing (which includes euthanasia).

I was super curious and had some free time before I needed to actually go out to do what I was assigned so I decided to watch some of the tests being done. I'd seen the vets take blood samples and such of wild animals in the station before--you use basically what amounts to a syringe at the end of a spear etc etc. But before it started getting messed with by us it still acted wrong.

First off: It was jittery and trembling. Wobbly is too cutesy a word--it was just slightly too intense to be wobbly. The wobbles were more twitchy and jerking, like it was constantly having to catch its balance, or it was constantly trying to react to every single minutiae of stimuli. It was also completely silent and utterly unafraid of any of us. This is one of the big markers of rabies: It fucks with an animal's brain to the extent that its fear receptors essentially rot away, because the virus wants the animal to come into contact with as many other animals as possible, and it can't do that if it's skittish. A nonrabid skunk SHOULD be huddled up in the farthest reach of the carrier curled up and scared out of its goddamned mind for being alien-kidnapped. This one just kinda ambled or stood wherever.

So anyway, we start taking blood samples, and by we I mean my coworkers because I am super unqualified for any medical treatment whatsoever of any animal.

The second the needle stuck into the skunk it stopped being a skunk and started being something else. It began writhing and jerking inside the carrier like it was trying to rip its own muscles and limbs apart to get away or get out, and the whole time it was shrieking and squealing so hard and constant that even outside the station it was loud. I've heard animals dying from predators before, I've heard skunks dying from predators before, they didn't scream like this one did. It screamed like it didn't know how to use its vocal chords or mouth, all it knew was pure unthinking noise.

Again, I'm sorry, but I really don't know how to describe the experience very well. The problem is that rabies doesn't make animals act like how they're supposed to. A nonrabid dog going absolutely apeshit is still going to recognizably act like a dog, just an absolutely apeshit one. A rabid dog going absolutely apeshit does NOT act the same. It acts with complete disregard and unawareness of both its surroundings and its own body. It isn't a living creature anymore, it's a breeding ground of rabies that has completely taken control over the dog and is now puppeting it around with the single purpose of spreading rabies everywhere it can. There's no fear, there's no thought, and I barely agree with calling what rabid animals experience as "aggression" because aggression in animals is a thing which fundamentally acts through motivation of stimuli and reaction. Aggression happens because the animal cares about what happens to the animal. Rabid aggression has absolutely no shits given about what happens to its host. It's awful.

[alex31624]

Duck Comic Reading Club Week 20: The Old Castle's Secret

I finally got around reading The Old Castle's Secret. It was the last comic from the Club I was missing. Let's see how it went.

The story begins with good old Scrooge asking Donald and HDL to come to his house. He needs help to find a treasure.

With that hair, Scrooge looks like Doc Brown from Back to the Future.

The treasure is on Castle McDuck, located on Dismal Downs. Hey, just like in the 2017 hit Ducktales!

There's a problem tho, ghosts. An evil spectre protects the treasure. Sadly, there were no Ghostbusters to call, and Scrooge called the second best option. Is time for Donald to prove his courage.

Is worth mention that this is the second Scrooge comic, he's not the brave tomb robber… I mean, treasure hunter we know, yet.

Anyway, is time for the McDucks to go to reveal the secret(s) of Castle McDuck!

In Scotland, they were welcome by Scrooge's trusty worker, Scottie.

So, he's a scottish whose named Scottie. Ja.

The McDucks went to work right away, using Scrooge's X-Ray machine to search for the hidden treasure. They worked for hours until…

It's so funny how Scrooge walks on Donald.

They found the treasure on the walls, millions on gold and jewels. Donald is forced to take the treasure outside, but he's attacked by the ghost.

Unfortunately, the castle is full of dust, and that makes a lot of problems for Donald because of his asthma, you know it. So, he went to the yard to get some fresh air, not because he's scared, no, no, no.

Thankfully, Huey has the solution to all their problems.

Sadly, the ghost escaped. Only Scottie was left behind. Suddenly, an armor approached them, and Louie did the logical.

That's a fine armor, Donald took an axe directly to his head like it was nothing.

Scottie had enough of this madness and left the Castle. The best decision so far. On the other hand, HDL continued with their ghost hunt, only to be trapped in a battlement. Not long after, Scrooge ended in the same place.

Now, is up to Donald to rescue them. He's on his way, but first, he found out Scottie's now playing on the ghost's team.

And of course, he's trapped too.

Well, I get that it's a hard situation and they need to escape, but, I'm not sure if I would have told my ten-years-old nephew to swing into a pond.

With HDL on the ground, the babies went to find a way into the castle. They found a secret tunnel in the cemetery. Because, of course there's a secret tunnel.

Meanwhile, the adults are preoccupied about the kids. Scrooge regrets not having given them a gun.

Imagine if Scrooge had have that gun on DT17. The second Magica appeared, he could have shoot her and avoid the Shadow War.

Anyway, the ghost is attacking the babies, and Scrooge didn't hesitate.

Remember kids, next time a ghost wants to mess with you, shoot it. Kill it a second time.

The ghost tried to escape, but the McDucks caught it. And now, the plot twist, the ghost was Scottie, who actually was Diamond Dick, the guy with the best name ever.

It was all Diamond Dick's scheme to steal the treasure using an invisible spray he stole. Also, the real Scottie is dead.

Ok, forget about the invisible spray and how Dick still made a skeleton shadow. Forget about the fact that his third wife was a McDuck, technically making him a member of the clan.

How was Scottie a trusty worker if Scrooge didn't even knew how he looked. Diamond Dick said, hey guys it's-a-me, Scottie and Scrooge was like, hell yeah, that's Scottie.

Donald tried to take all the credit for solving the case, and the babies sprayed him with the invisible formula.

This was a great, fun story that I enjoyed a lot. One of the best Club readings of this year, IMO.

And with this review done, I have done all the Club comics. It has been a lot of fun, let's see what next year brings.

[picturejasper20]

I recently watched the original Darkwing Duck 90's series + reading the comics from it, so i decided to rewatch the DWD episodes from Ducktakes 2017 reboot and it ended up being just so weird??

Keep in mind that i watched the Ducktales 2017 series first and later on the Darkwing Duck 90's series**

The episode "The Duck Knight Returns!" is just a whole mess that i don't understand its purpose at all and what is trying to say... the closest i get is that it feels it is trying to say ¨old stuff bad, new stuff good¨... which doesn't translate well when the episode on itself isn't exactly funny and the new character that is supposed to represent the new Darkwing isn't exactly an that interesting nor compelling...

That's another point i want to cover: The new Darkwing, or well, Drake 2017 feels very watered down in contrast to Darkwing from the 90's. Here we have a character who grew up being a bit of a nerd watching a show and he seems to be nice and a bit insecure i guess... and that's it. The original Darkwing Duck (90's series) actually had a lot of flaws and acted more as an anti hero than a hero a lot of times. His main flaws being his huge ego and overall impulsiveness than more often than not put him in trouble... Drake from the Ducktales 2017 series is well, good? I suppose but there isn't much to his character outside of that in the episodes i rewatched. I read that in the Darkwing reboot pitch bible Darkwing/Drake was being written in a way that came off more flawed and in some ways being more like the 90's Darkwing, which that's cool i suppose... but it also makes me question why they didn't write more like that in the Ducktales 2017 series in first place

I feel i could say some similar things about Gosalyn 2017... the thing is that here she is supposed to be different and more ¨teenager like¨, which is a fine take for me to be honest. If they want to explore more her missing her previous family i think it is a fair route for them to take if they want a more serious tone for this version of the show.

Going back to the meta commentary, it feels super weird that in this series they did this idea that Darkwing Duck is a series that already existed within universe, i guess something about how superheroes aren't ¨realistic¨ (something that the Lets Get Dangerous drills you constantly)... in a series where sorceress, magic, alternative dimensions, old legends, greek gods and someone like Gizmoduck already exists... yeah you see where i'm getting at.

¨Lets Get Dangerous¨ also tries making this commentary about how ¨this isn't a cartoon, it is real life¨ when it comes to facing crime and doing superhero stuff... under the same episode that Drake, a character who has never fought supervillains before and doesn't have experience in this kind of stuff, along with help of Launchpad and Gosalyn is able to defeat four main villains from the original show without much effort nor struggle.

Keep in mind that in the 90's series Darkwing was someone who had experience fighting crime and villains and yet he struggled facing just one supervillain even with help from his team. Hell, in the episode pilot from DWD 90's he had a lot of issues just facing Taurus and probably would have died if it wasn't for Launchpad coming to rescue him.

Also another thing that is superweird is how supervillains don't exactly exist on St Canard in Ducktakes 2017 universe for some reason... something that later gets contradicted in the Darkwing Duck reboot pitch bible that in reality there are a lot of supervillains that they might as well be around half of the population in there. Instead of Taurus Bulba having some strong bodyguards for DWD and company to face, they bring the villains from 90's series...which yeah, it turns out that 90's series isn't just a cartoon in here, it is actually another real dimension!

Can you see how unnecessary convoluted a lot of this stuff is?

A lot of this could have been solved if Darkwing was a character that already existed within the 2017 universe as a superhero. Launchpad and Dewey get to met him in one episode (you could even make this Drake being inspired by old comic books to become Darkwing) and then they meet him again in what would be the ¨Lets Get Dangerous¨ episode to help Gosalyn.

I don't know, for me all this stuff feels a lot of weird decisions that don't make sense from a writing point. It feels out of place to talk about how cartoon superhero tropes are unrealistic or whatever in a series that already has a lot of fantasy and science fiction elements. It could work in other series or franchises but it doesn't work on this show.

[okthatsgreat]

can i ask what your beef is with the dear evan hansen text?? like i agree with you i just wanna know lol

ohhhhh anon you are getting an essay from me LMFAOOO. for a bit of context: im a HUGE musical theatre fan and i was a massive fan during the 2016-2017 period of broadway where a HUGE influx of younger fans were getting drawn in so of course i listened to the soundtrack a ton. but after a bit i looked back at it and sort of understood a lot of its flaws in the base script/lyrics, and upon watching the australian dear evan hansen it became superrrr clear again imo!

ill put my long winding essay down below just because its pretty negative :) and, of course, long and winding

so there are some veryyyyyy distinct issues with the text of dear evan hansen, which i will TRY to pull apart into seperate categories just to make this a bit easier LMFAO.

TONE: tonally, this show is a MESS. it wants to both be a comedy musical while also having very heartfelt discussions around topics of mental health and suicide. in my opinion, while TRICKY, this CAN be done successfully, but was not handled well here. the switch between tone is far too jarring-- in one scene you'll have cynthia mourning her son who just committed suicide, desperate for any information that could connect her to her late child, reaching out to cling onto evan once she sees the cast that connor had signed before his passing. and then it IMMEDIATELY cuts to jared making a sex joke like im not kidding. these moments of grief and seriousness dont get time to breathe before they bring jared in or make connors ghost sing a funny song about not being gay

i know that an argument can be made that this show is supposed to be a "dark comedy"-- even if it was it wasnt done well, but as a whole it's actually not supposed to be a dark comedy. the suicide of connor murphy, evan hansens debilitating anxiety, and the mental wellbeing of these characters are placed in the centre of this show as its primary message. this is a show that marketed itself as being THE mental health show, that brought these issues to light and brings a powerful message about "not being alone". the writers of this show want you to take it very seriously. there are some very well written moments within this text (in my opinion a lot of the arguments the murphys have are well paced, good dialogue, especially towards the end before words fail) but it loses so much of its impact because its shoved in between these scenes of forced levity. so so much of that is the fault of jared as a character but thats a whole other essay

it's an extremely indecisive show over all, and you are going to see that throughout this essay: this show doesnt want to fully commit to one thing, but rather dabble in tinier, vague concepts and never truly go all the way.

MENTAL HEALTH: i am not going to deny that in 2016-2017 when this show was immensely popular, it DID start some sort of discussion. this show did have a very positive impact, specifically on a young demographic, because it did open up avenues for them to discuss issues such as this. at the time there were hardly any musicals targeted towards that demographic, and hardly any musicals that discussed mental health at all (besides shows like next to normal, but they were never that huge with the younger generation). for a young person, or anybody really, to resonate with a show concerning topics of anxiety and suicide is a great thing, and i am not trying to diminish the impact of this show at the time.

but the message of mental health is a very shallow one upon rewatch, unfortunately. as mentioned before, they are SO CLOSE to delving into interesting topics but never want to fully commit to anything. zoe and her opinion of her late brother is a FASCINATING topic that gets swept up in evans lie. we hardly hear much discussion about connors anger issues or mental health topics that are deemed less "palatable"-- in fact, very rarely does this show discuss the elements of mental health that can be seen as less palatable to a wider audience. it NEARLY does, it VERGES on those specific discussions, but never wants to linger too much. or it is fully treated as a joke (connor smokes pot, which can very easily be read as a form of self-medication as the murphys were struggling to stick to a single form of help for him. him smoking is ALWAYS a joke however. this is NOT explicit in the text).

not to mention, its clear that some topics were not well researched or even well examined within the text. i really really loved how the australian alana (carmel rodrigues) portrayed her (i very personally think she played alana as being autistic or at least neurodivergent) however she has a single throwaway line about how she felt invisible and then never mentions this again. this needed to be built up to a LOT better. evan STOPS TAKING HIS MEDICATION during act 2, claiming he "doesnt need them", and it is NEVER mentioned whether or not he starts taking them again. and while medication is a varied topic from person to person, and not everybody has or even wants to take them, the show has framed evan not taking his meds as a personal triumph, in which his life has finally "gotten better" to the point he doesnt need to take them anymore. for many many people this is not the case, especially with anxiety.

the core message of the show, "you are not alone", is also rather hollow. it's a good marketing point and its a great hashtag for the dear evan hansen team to spread on social media but it isn't extremely nuanced. dont get me wrong, sometimes a show doesnt HAVE to be extremely nuanced in a way a show like next to normal is, but to frame your show as THE mental health show with the aim to discuss these topics of suicide and depression seriously (rather than unseriously, like heathers), then it needs to be treated wayyy more carefully. saying "oh if youre sad then just reach out for help", while an okay message for a young audience, isnt very groundbreaking and in fact can come off as a little corny upon rewatch ("you will be found" felt verrrry very cheesy when i watched it live)

THE ANTI-HERO: evan is a teenager who severely fucks up. TREMENDOUSLY. and even though the marketing of this show i think has actually let evan down a little bit in regards to his personality, it isnt JUST due to the fact he has social anxiety. sure, this greatly impacts him and his decisions, but there are many moments within the show where he explicitly states his motives for why he did what he did. he is an awkward, LONELY teenager. while his anxiety not to speak up may have landed him in his situation in the first place, ultimately it is evans desperate need for human connection and family that compels him to keep this lie going.

and in a rather traditional narrative, his schemes would be framed as properly sinister. while he doesnt necessarily have MALICIOUS intentions, he still acts very selfishly and with little foresight. the lies keep piling on and piling on and he feels as though he can not reveal himself, but also he doesnt WANT to. he doesnt want to let everything go, even if he is very VERY in the wrong. this is selfish. and a character can BE selfish!

but while the narrative clearly paints evan as being in the wrong, he is NEVER supposed to be the "villain". nothing he does is truly conveyed as sinisterly as it actually is, and it gets SINISTER. ultimately we are supposed to be ROOTING for evan, as he is meant to represent the core themes of this show: mental health. even if he gets found out we are NEVER shown "true" consequences besides the murphy family getting kind of upset at him and asking him to leave during his song "words fail" where he tells them he used to be so sad and lonely before all of this and thats why he did what he did. it then cuts to him and his mom, where the discussion mostly revolves around HIS mental health and his suicide attempt rather than what he had just done to the murphys. finally after that scene we go to the finale many months later, where the consequences are hardly implied, and its even stated that evan got off LIGHTLY for what he did as the murphys never revealed who wrote connors note. yknow, the note that the entire internet was using as means to harass and dox that grieving family not too long ago

he is never treated as if he is completely in the wrong, and always given that core theme of mental health to hide behind. and because they dont want to discuss the more "unappealing" elements of mental health, or theyre too scared to imply that his anxiety is "making him the villain", evans actions ultimately are forgiven by the narrative.

evan and his family friend dance around the room, creating fake emails for a kid who killed himself in order to fool his mourning parents into believing the two of them were friends. evan stands in front of the school and gives a speech about how much him and connor were friends (even when they werent), and then spearheads a mental health campaign in connors name, all under the pretense that he KNEW and CARED for connor. he, a STRANGER, frequently goes over to the murphys house and allows them to treat him like a pseudo-son, nearly to the point where he accepts a college trust fund from them, which was meant for connor. he LIES to connors sister-- who was having very complicated opinions about connor due to his abuse towards her-- and convinces her that connor actually cared about her the entire time, practically forcing her to view her abusive brother as a better person than he was. and then evan DATES HER.

which brings me to my next and final point--

ZOE: god zoe. she makes me so unbelievably sad. WHY did evan have to have a love interest.

zoe could have been such a fascinating and intriguing character if she was handled with far more care than she had been. connor murphy was very explicitly stated to have been verbally abusive to her and likely physical as well, and at the beginning of the show she is rightly upset with him. she doesnt mourn him for his good parts because to her she doesnt KNOW any good parts. she tells evan that "the last time she can remember connor being nice to her was in his suicide note", which EVAN wrote. zoe was by no means obligated to mourn her brother, but was frequently encouraged (especially by cynthia) to do so, to find the good parts of him to remember. this complicated relationship with grief is fascinating

but evan has a crush on her, and thats when everything starts going downhill. he starts lying to her about what connor had told her ("if i could tell her" is a very creepy song coming from a brother but thats yet again a whole other post HGJKF) and plants false memories of him inside her head. that is FUCKED UP!! he is giving this poor girl, who is battling with her conflicted feelings towards her late abusive brother, false reasons to think fondly of him and invalidating every reason she had to feel anger towards him. because this show wants so desperately for the message to be that "nobody deserves to be forgotten", without any sort of nuance whatsoever, even if the person that died had been terrible to you.

and then they start dating. they start dating, all based on the lies evan had told zoe. before they kiss zoe says "you gave me my brother back", which is a HEARTBREAKING thing to hear from her given what we as the audience know, but this is NOT conveyed NEARLY as sinister as it is actually is. we witness evan be extremely, EXTREMELY selfish, and for the first time this can not be blamed on his anxiety like most other events in act 1 could. this was evan wanting to get with zoe, and it seemingly fell into his lap after he conned this family into believing he knew their estranged, late son. that is horrifying! zoe does not get NEARLY mad enough at him once he tells the murphys the truth! zoe doesnt get any time at all to shine in act 2!!

how absolutely mortifying would it be to realise that the person you were dating is a complete and utter stranger to you! he had been impersonating somebody and staying in your house, sleeping over, DATING you, all under entirely false pretences. and how absolutely mortifying would it be to realise that everything you thought you had finally learned about your brother was a lie? you had finally come to terms with accepting your late brother for his good parts only to realise that all of those alleged "good parts" werent actually true at all?? zoe would practically have to grieve ALL OVER AGAIN. the murphys would have to grieve their son TWICE. this is NEVER touched on. evan does not experience the consequences for this nearly as much as he should, and zoe is not given this resolution or nuance.

if this was done with a little more care this could have been GOOD. this was a terrible, terrible thing evan did. their romance should have always been framed as such. "only us" should not have been written as this charming cute romantic love song. given what the audience knows it is impossible to view this relationship as pure, which is what the writers had intended, and we are all sitting in our seats waiting for the ball to finally drop and this poor girl to finally realise who she is dating. its horrifying! and it doesnt get treated as such!

because ultimately evan is the hero and evan is the person you are supposed to be rooting for, regardless of his actions. ive seen a few arguments saying that this is intentional, that songs like "you will be found" are SUPPOSED to be sinister and hollow because evan is "tricking all of them", but the truth is that was never the writers intention. they wouldnt have made that song their entire marketing campaign if it was supposed to be seen as malicious. the writers were never willing to fully commit to anything, making this show as a whole underbaked and tonally inconsistent.

TLDR; the show has a hollow message and wants to be many different things at once but ultimately succeeds in none of it

[thornsofthefuture]

an interview with razorz of EPILEPTICS — a talk about music, molly and life

today, we had the honor to interview razorz, the frontperson of EPILEPTICS, once a witch-house & electronic band, now a reggaeton, post-hardcore & rave one-person project. EPILEPTICS has been in the industry since 2013. the band quickly gained popularity because of the self-titled LP released through the YOUTH 1984 label. the LP has been adored by fans of the witch-house & electronic genre. songs like Esoteric, Heroin Chic and Carpathian hit the charts, making EPILEPTICS a legend and a huge influence in the international Witch House scene, along with their chaotic live shows and then-elusive personas, setting the blueprint of aesthetic and sound for many bands and artists to come.

[this interview includes explicit content & mentions of self harm. some viewers might find this content triggering. proceed with caution.]

thorns of the future: first question: how did you find out that you wanted to be a music producer?

razorz: Out of necessity, I was 15-16 playing in black metal, crust and grindcore bands, I always realized that I was the only one writing songs and throwing ideas. When me and Amanda Failure started EPILEPTICS, we had no idea how to do electronic music, I read somewhere about this software "Reason 4". I cracked a copy and started messing with it, I was amazed that you could do music, an entire song on a laptop, a 2008 HP mini to be precise, we came from the world of guitars, amps, pedals and drums, we couldn't believe it. Now I do records and remixes for other people and I can tell you 100% that I'm not sure of what I am doing, I can't let other people do my songs cause I am very specific with everything, only a couple of occassions this has happened, MYKKA from Argentina, a superstar prod. she produced for Bad Bunny, Duki, Bhavi, Ysy A, and a bunch of other important people and she made some of the heaviest, nastiest dubstep ever before that, she has legit Gold Records and is one of the top producers from Latin America, so she made the beat for Suicide Season because I bugged her for a year and she thought that EPLPTCS was kinda cool and weird and SVGAWA (Ukrainian Witch House rockstar) a brother to me is the only person on earth that reads my mind and knows what I want, they are the 2 only people who have made beats for me, I became a producer but that was never the goal, when we started I did not even know what a producer was.

thorns of the future: tell us about the craziest person you've ever seen in the crowd during your live show.

razorz: On a festival in Moscow 2018 there was this girl and a dude that tried god-knows whatever designer drug and they were on the floor, could not move their legs or talk but they were moving their torsos to the music, they were in the back and I was impressed how unphased everybody was, like "hey, I think these guys are dying" and nobody gave a shit, here in Mexico in like 2017 some girls and dudes showed up with mutilated arms to the front row and I used to cut myself on some shows if I had a vibe going on, at Station Hall in Moscow I stagedived at the end with wounds open in the arms and some girl I believe licked them at the stagedive, that was crazy, after me, King Plague was gonna DJ and she refused to until the stage was cleaned up, I left it full of blood, that's the dumb stuff I was doing at the time, when I saw that followers of the band were destroying themselves from us openly encouraging the use of drugs and self mutilation, I stopped with that, a couple of people I really cared about actually died from that, there was this infectious "bug" on tours that was not healthy for anybody, we were dangerous to ourselves and the people around us, but that's the past.

thorns of the future: what were your thoughts during your first ever live show?

razorz: As EPILEPTICS? I was very nervous because Failure got in trouble and couldn't make it to the show but I didn't know, I played at like 3am at this indie little festival in a hall in here, a girl complained it was too noisy and it was hurting her ears, there is video of that show, gonna upload it to YouTube and about Failure, days later she answered the phone and turns out she was caught  drunk driving that evening so her parents were getting her out of detention that night, I barely remember it, I was coked out of my mind and drinking anisette on that one, but I had played a bunch of metal/punk shows before EPLPTCS which are the worst, after coming from those scenes you are 120% bulletproof to anything, nothing is worse than those shows, you work and play your ass off for nothing in the tiniest places in the worst conditions with the worst crowds.

thorns of the future: what made you switch from electronic music to your current genre?

razorz: We never intended to be a Witch House band, we just wanted to blend what Salem and Glass Teeth were doing with UK rave music and jungle, we were "adopted" and thrown in the bunch by the people and we are grateful for that, I see the impact now that us and the Russian bands and prods had on the current musical landscape, we were a bunch of angsty teenagers that just wanted to unleash. Anyway I lived the Witch House thing to the fullest, I played all the fests, met everybody, got signed twice and made money, I was in Russia when Witch House was mainstream music there, you would walk into a Bershka store and they were playing Crossparty, it was not underground at all, in Spain it was a big deal as well, before Sidewalks toured the circuit, before Crim3s, I did, I saw it and we all knew it was gonna end eventually, everybody was living the lifestyle, everybody was running out of ideas and americans put the final nail in the coffin of Witch House with their stupid songs about ghosts, terror and daft shit like that, around 2019 the scene was dead worldwide and you can ask anybody who was there, Dann K left the band and it was only me now, I always hated rap music but we were played on Mexican radio a legendary station in here called Reactor 105, they believed in us and played our songs, one day I was listening and Bring the Noize by M.I.A. came up, I was floored, I could not believe the sound of that, so I started listening more, started to consume UK grime, weird ethnic stuff like kuduro (it's a music genre) and soundsystems, reggaeton was huge in here always and at that time there were this really dense/heavy loud af tracks coming from South America along with the trap scene from Argentina and I was into that as well, I needed a rebranding of everything and now I was gonna front so I did "lost u" which is a monster witch pop song as a goodbye for the "Version 1" of the band, plus me being razorz and EPILEPTICS being pretty much my life for 5 years at that point, I was not 18 anymore and you have to think like "I guess this is what I am gonna do, so I need to be more commercial" and at that time I was partying a lot and liking commercial af music and seemed reachable so I went for the full selling out if you will and I don't regret it at all, underground is not fun.

thorns of the future: how old were you when you first started making music?

razorz: I always played music, my mum is a huge music fan, she was an 80's goth and she also liked metal so I got my 1st drumkit when I was 3, then a guitar at 6, she was very supportive, my dad didn't really care, I never learned theory, so I would play CDs and learn from there, my first song I'd say I was 12 (?) it was some sort of a Carcass death metal song. So it went from there, there is this ultra depressive neoclassical autumn vibes piano/acoustic guitar project called 'Bläire' (which was my pseudonym in black metal bands I played in) I recorded it alone in my bedroom when I was like 15, it was supposed to come out on cassette on a Finnish black metal label but it closed 2 weeks before the release and that broke me so I put a couple of those tracks as hidden tracks on the 1st and 2nd EPILEPTICS records (Autumnal Black Metal Tape and Santander respectively) I will eventually put that whole EP myself on Spotify.

thorns of the future: who's your biggest inspiration?

razorz: Way too many people to mention, but Liam Howlett (The Prodigy), Skrillex (who I was a fan of since From First to Last) and Ethan Kath (him exclusively, fuck that other person in that band) made it seem realistic cause they were punky guys like me. Nowadays I get inspired by anything, many people wouldn't believe all the shit I listen to, all over the place.

thorns of the future: what's your favourite song that you produced?

razorz: I am very proud of Nadia Comaneci, that song took me 2 years to write when I was homeless (by choice) and on meth, it encapsulates the hate, actually becoming insane and paranoia like no other song, it has this totally incoherent lyrics that range from violence and death to school shootings, me being Hannah Montana, killing police officers, killing rock music, La Santa Muerte, asexuality as a way of living, suicide, life in the 3rd world, anti materialism, etc. 2 minutes, all of that in 2 fucking minutes, the music video is just a masterpiece too, that the director (Conejo Roto) envisioned, very disturbing and grotesque but not in the obvious way, I love it and its like 4 different music genres squeezed in 2 minutes, again: awesome, it's like a manifesto.

thorns of the future: tell us how you start the process of making music.

razorz: Listening to music, and just observing life, I can be listening to Britney and Kylie Minogue and steal a vocal melody from them, then maybe a drum pattern from Diplo and then a guitar lead part from old Bloc Party, The Kills or The Libertines and a synth from 100gecs and then a flow and snare from a Favela Funk song, or a figure from a riff from Darkthrone, my way of writing music is straight up stealing parts of songs from totally opposite genres and mashing them together, it is rare that a song comes to my head but sometimes that happens.

thorns of the future: how did you come up with the name for your band?

razorz: I have a cousin that was diagnosed with epilepsy that I didnt see often back when we started the band, he had a seizure and I was alone with him at our grandma's house, he had this fucked up convulsion and I was alone with him, his eyes went blank and his mouth was tweaking bad, I told Failure about it and she had a crush on Ian from Joy Division (lame) who was an epileptic too, so she named the band, I thought it was a stupid name and I still hate it, we released 'Esoteric' like weeks later and we kicked the Witch House/rave scene along with the russians and it became this minor hit in a matter of days so we couldn't change it, I still hate the name and think it is silly as fuck, almost 10 years still bothers me.

thorns of the future: what would you like to say to your fans?

razorz: I hate the word fans, I like calling them friends, I'd like to tell them to not have kids, that's the best advice I can give and to never listen to anybody, live your fucking lives however you want.

thorns of the future: what's your favourite drug and why?

razorz: I'm gonna go with molly, I had some of the best times of my life on that one and I did lots of music discovery with my then best friend Axl, we would do tons of molly, not eat for a week and just listen to music nonstop, Dann K. (vocalist/synths on The Sun Hurts My Eyes) got me into shooting coke right in the fucking neck for a bit but it was too awesome so I stopped and went to regular snorting I guess, I have a permanent damage on my palate from doing so much coke for years.

thorns of the future: is there a religion you hate most?

razorz: Oh man... haha anything that involves bombing, cowardly unaliving kids in other countries and treating women like garbage, not gonna name it but I think everybody with a braincell will know what I'm talking about.

thorns of the future: your most unliked subculture is…

razorz: Punks, fucking losers, lame mediocre, miserable people who like to pretend they live in 1985, metalheads too, are pretty stupid and childish and anybody who is playing glam music or trying to be Guns N' Roses in 2024 is amusing to me, oh djent is pretty fucking lame too.

thorns of the future: tell us your least liked artist - is it because of their music or their personality?

razorz: Gonna name a few in no particular order: XXXTentacion, Lil Peep, Arca bothers the shit out of me, mediocre techno, this Sarah Landry bitch who plays "hard techno" which is just a kick loop going on for 3 hrs what's that shit about? Nobody likes it but fucking dunces pretend to like it cause it's "cool", Nina Kraviz, dumb fuck thinking she is modeling while DJing, this stupid pop punk revival bands talking about pizza and smelling their mothers ass they are even doing that here in Mexico, it is insulting, bunch of fucking sons of rich privileged idiots, My Chemical Romance, Tool, 98% of American Witch House talking about ghosts and Halloween and shit lmao, post-2013 Grimes (hung out with her in 2016 and she was annoying as fuck) K pop boybands and girlbands, lame electronic like Porter Robinson, that BLAND stupid disco shit that Daft Punk did, white people acting black, Machine Gun Kelly, DJs who have girls twerking at their sets piss me off beyond belief, Drake is one of the softest and most pathetic individuals to ever put music out, etc man, my hate is unlimited and I have chilled out a lot. Honorable mention to this dumb fuck Anyma, he was Grimes' boyfriend or something, that instead of playing MUSIC he just puts this dumbass lame visuals on his shows, J Balvin and Maluma along with all that soft reggaeton pop bullshit is pretty embarrasing as well, they think us mexicans LOVE that garbage and we don't.

thorns of the future: what's the riskiest thing you've ever done?

razorz: For my own security I can't talk much about it but I am amazed that I was not killed, that I never had a fatal overdose and that I am not in prison talking to you today, whatever you think I've done multiply that by 10 and you will be kind of close, I lived the street life to the max when I was a meth addict and I don't like all this people around the world rapping or singing about it like it's cool cause it's not, the fear of police, paranoia, the nothing, hearing voices and seeing things that are not there, the cold, the "I don't know if I'm gonna come back alive from this one" or going to a free clinic to check if you have AIDS are things I do not miss at all.

we would like to thank razorz of EPILEPTICS for answering all of our questions. we really appreciate you. that's all for now.

images & videos: razorz

spotify:

EPILEPTICS: https://open.spotify.com/artist/20KlxRilj2aFPUDjglUebT

razorz: https://open.spotify.com/artist/3AvvaBzMypsd6UYoE3aNBF

instagram:

EPILEPTICS: https://www.instagram.com/epileptix/

razorz: https://www.instagram.com/r4z0rz/

hyperfollow: https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/epileptics

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Crack Treated Seriously Masterlist

and a tiny horse in a christmas tree (ao3) - phegetarian

Summary: Daniel Howell is living a work-centric life in the city. What happens when he reluctantly agrees to go back to his hometown for Christmas and meets a new resident?

blow a kiss, fire a gun (ao3) - The General Phanchild (orphan_account)

Summary: "If I don't improve... he'll absolutely obliterate me. And there's nothing I can do to stop him." Secret Agent “Gold,” or Dan Howell, is less than thrilled when he is forced to team up with new recruit “Amethyst,” Phil Lester. Phil is a former trainee; clumsy and overly apologetic, while Dan’s six years of experience have left him skilled and stealthy, yet completely emotionless. Throughout their mission to bring a mysterious super-villain to justice while travelling the city of Tokyo, Phil tries to come to terms with his illogical fear of Dan, while realising what Dan's true intentions with him are.

Fuck The Past (Dan vs Phil vs Daniel) (ao3) - phandomsub

Summary: Daniel and Phil decide to mess around with a book of spells for their new video. It’s all just a good laugh, until they somehow end up transporting 18-year-old Dan from 2009 into 2017. The only logical solution is: threesome.

Haunting My Life (ao3) - Anonymous

Summary: Any of you ever play that online game, Haunt the House?

Ghost!Daniel is antisocial as all heck, but when his house is flooded with potential buyers, he decides there's only one way to deal with it- flush them all out. Which would of course work better if he could stop getting distracted by PJ's uncomfortably pretty friend, Phil, who isn't even here to buy the house.

HOTline (ao3) - outphan

Summary: When Phil's computer breaks, he calls a hotline...

How Dan (Almost) Stole Christmas (ao3) - skygremlin

Summary: “It was a serious oversight, in stealing from the rich, that you couldn’t really tell if they were unbothered because the money never mattered, or unbothered because they had so much cash they were using it to insulate their walls.”

For thirty-three years Dan’s lived up in the hill districts outside Who-ville, watching the wealthy elites celebrate their Christmases in the valley with glitter and food and an unfathomable amount of expensive gifts while the rest of the world was left cold and hungry, completely ignored. Between the off-key choir concerts and the way he could feel the icy wind through his uninsulated walls on Crumpit Lane, he had enough of it. It’s time for Who-ville to see what Christmas is like for everyone else, even if that means taking it by force.

A How the Grinch Stole Christmas AU

How To Find Your Missing Husband, or, The Amazing Crossover is Not On Fire (ao3) - N_Chu4Ever

Summary: In the year 2063, just as International Rescue finally recovers from the absolute mess that is the Hood's attack on Tracy Island, an event known as the Great Restructuring occurs. Multiple universes are merged together, a teen who is supposed to be dead is revived (and promptly adopted), Sportacus is there... and two longterm partners, famously described as 'actual soulmates', are torn apart.

Will Phil ever find Dan again? Or are they doomed to be separated forever?

ph is for phlebotomy (ao3) - serendipnpipity

Summary: u/johnnyharker:

AITA for accusing my flatmate’s partner of being a vampire?

Prey for the Wicked (ao3) - Anonymous

Summary: Phil isn't the worst demon ever, but he's hardly the best. That's why he's not super thrilled about his newest assignment. After all, everyone knows that nuns are notoriously difficult to tempt.

Stuck in my Jeans (ao3) - uglyhowell

Summary: Dan runs into a predicament Phil is all too familiar with.

The Disappearance of Daniel Howell (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Dan and Phil go out to make a purchase instead of using the internet. That's their first mistake. Their second mistake is taking a free Wishing Stone from a shady vendor at Portobello Market from whom they purchase a bootleg Hatsune Miku figure.

The Rise of Susan (ao3) - ablonimous

Summary: There are in fact many Susans across the universes. Sometimes you're a nurse, other times you're a fish... This is a bit embarrassing but you're actually my wife in a lot of realities."

"I'm your wife. In other realities." Susan repeated.

"NOT in this one!" Dan yelled from the kitchen.

"Ignore him, he's just jealous," Phil whispered cheekily to Susan.

———

An AU in which psychic Phil and his helper Dan find different versions of Susan to save the world.

VRP (ao3) - RabidRabbitsRabato

Summary: Dan is a bad boy.

Phil has a crush on him.

And Phil has a big secret.

But so does Dan.

[thedawningofthehour]

Hello. This is the person who talked about the Gothel and song thing. I read your post and kind of sat on it thinking about for the last one or two days.

Now I think I understand it a little bit better. So essentially both Draxum loves Gale and Gothel love Rapunzel. However, Gothel mainly values her youth over Repunzel’s safety and love. But still loves her. While, Draxum actually wants to keep Galois safe and is essentially keeping his plans to keep Galois alive at this point? Also, another difference is Draxum is questioning his decisions more compared to Gothel?

I had not Rapunzel a while until yesterday just to see it, and now I can kind of see how Gothel loved Rapunzel, even if very messed up. I remember when the series came out in 2017 when I was in Freshmen High School. And the whole Cassandra arc, and thinking that was how it was in the original movie of Gothel apparently never loving Rapunzel. So it does kind of give me whiplash a little bit when I watched the movie.

And what reading about how people love something else more kind of is making me realize how some relationships with friends and family were toxic.

I am loving the more complicated inner turmoil with Draxum even if I do not see his perspective in any of the chapters. And really love the recent one.

Thank you for replying to this. It has been interesting.

I mean, yes, the main difference is that Draxum's love for Gale can compete with his own goals, while Gothel's love for Rapunzel was dwarfed by hers. But I think I'm actually going to break down the similarities and differences here, because the Gothel comparisons happen a lot and while I definitely do take some inspiration from how she acted, (Draxum frequently talking over Galois is a big one) I really don't want people to view Draxum through a Gothelite lens.

-Number one, obviously, the isolation. Both Gothel and Draxum literally isolate Rapunzel and Galois from the world, with neither being allowed to leave their home or speak to anyone without their guardian's approval. Fucked up, can't get around that. But Draxum's reasoning and goals differ greatly from Gothel's, and that's where we get the distinction.

Draxum doesn't restrict Galois's communication, for one, actually he openly encourages him to talk to people who aren't his father and wishes that he could spend time with peers his own age. This distinction is important because narcissists isolate their victims to better manipulate them, to eliminate outside influences that might teach their child to stand up for themselves and to keep themselves the center of their child's life. Draxum doesn't want that. He very much wants Galois to have a life outside of him, but for practical reasons he knows he cannot.

Which leads into the second aspect of the isolation, their excuse for doing it. Obviously, the main reason in both cases is the fear of their child learning what they'd done, or being targeted for the thing they themselves kidnapped them for in the first place. (Rapunzel's hair, Galois's brain) Of the two, I think Draxum has a better case for justifying the isolation-but the end result is the same, he's still isolating his son out of his own fear. It's somewhat understandable, and not as bad as Gothel-but still bad.

-Putting down your kid and trying to present yourself as superior. This is just straight-up nonexistent in Draxum. Draxum thinks the world of Galois and tries to convey that to him as often as he can, as he knows Galois struggles with self-esteem and needs that reinforcement. Really, Drax has done a 180 from his original vision of himself saving the Yokai with Donatello at his side-after seeing how absolutely brilliant he is, Draxum now views Galois as the one who will save them all. Draxum's role was to create him, protect him, clear a path for him so he could do what he was meant to do-but he fully believes that he will be just a chapter in Galois's history book, and he's happy with that. Galois will be his legacy and he couldn't be prouder.

-Belittling. Draxum is a little patronizing at times, yes. Talking down to Cass's experience and telling Galois that certain behaviors are beneath him, those are probably the most egregious examples. But in all fairness, Draxum isn't intending to make them feel belittled. In his mind this is actually a compliment, he knows they're so much better than how they're presenting themselves. He is aware that it's a shit move though, and he does apologize when he realizes he's doing it. He's just socially inept.

-Ridiculing. Nope, never. Gothel preyed on Rapunzel's own insecurities, calling her naive, ditzy, fat, and implying she couldn't handle herself outside. Draxum would never. For one, his son is incredible. He'd be lying if he said there was anything wrong with him. And he certainly doesn't want Galois to view himself that way. His son is amazing and smart and badass and Draxum knows Galois will surpass him some day. He looks forward to that.

Some people are under the impression that Draxum doesn't approve of Gale's stimming and info-dumping because he encourages him to act 'normal' with other people, and I would like to clarify-Draxum is perfectly fine with all of that. He actually very much enjoys his info-dumps. But he knows that other people will judge him for it and think lesser of him, and he wants to spare Galois that. As much he'd like to tell them all that Galois is saving their ungrateful asses and they should be kissing his feet instead of making fun of how he waves his hands, he knows he can't. Not yet, at least.

-Shaming. Yeah, he is guilty of this on occasion. He doesn't use it nearly as often as Gothel, but when he gets scared he'll definitely break out the "do you want me to lose my son? They'll murder you and I'll have nothing left in the world!" And he absolutely pulled the 'after all I've done for you' line when Gale was caught talking to Mikey.

-Exploiting or corrupting. Oooooh, yes. Obviously, Draxum doesn't think of it as corrupting Galois-he thinks he's merely imparted the truth on him. But their entire relationship began with exploitation, first when Draxum sought to turn this pancake turtle into a superweapon and then when he kidnapped Donnie to exploit his intelligence. Obviously, their relationship has evolved far beyond that, but it's still a dominant theme that Galois picks up on and influences his own feelings of self-worth more than either of them realize.

But on the corruption bit, in all fairness Draxum has been slightly uncorrupted by fatherhood, and Donnie was kind of a supervillain in the making even before. These two actually reinforce the better parts of each other, ironically in a way that probably wouldn't occur in canon. (at least not right away, but even in good futures they'd probably eventually go "hey we should solve climate change" and their mutual desire to help people through their science would come out) Draxum has softened quite a bit and is more open with his own empathy, which he'd force down previously whenever it bubbled to the surface. So really, net negative corruption has occurred.

-Gaslighting. No.

NO.

For fuck's sake, NO. You guys keep saying this! That's not what Draxum is doing! That's not what gaslighting is!

Gaslighting is a tactic in which someone lies to you about stuff you already know. It's telling you I didn't say X, when I really did say X and we both remember me saying X very well. It's moving the furniture around and telling your spouse that it's always been like this and there's something wrong with them if they remember the couch over there. It was my dad stealing my mom's car keys and trying to convince her she lost them when we'd all seen her keys right where she always kept them the night before. (joke's on him, my mom had a spare set and was still able to go to work, and she kept them in her purse until we moved out) It's a tactic used to exert control over the narrative and make the victim doubt their own perceptions, memory, even their sanity.

Draxum is not gaslighting Galois or Cass. He's just lying to them. Galois didn't have to be convinced he wasn't Donatello and that his memories of Donatello were wrong. Galois doesn't remember being Donatello. Draxum cannot cause him to doubt his recollection because there is no recollection Draxum wants him to doubt. Draxum is simply peddling a false narrative.

Now, what Draxum is doing to Raph definitely counts as gaslighting, as they both know full well that Galois is Donnie and they know the other knows that. But at the same time, Draxum's intention isn't to make Raph doubt his own memory. He's doing it for the bit, essentially, because that's how Galois and Cass and Tigerclaw expect him to act. (and a bit of fatherly roleplay, he really likes gaslighting himself into thinking Galois is his real son) Raph is never going to be manipulated into forgetting what Draxum did or actually believing that Galois is a separate person from his brother, but Draxum doesn't need him to. He just needs him to pretend he does.

But Cass and Gale? No, his ass is just lying.

-Triangulation, telling others you're crazy, aligning people against you, and telling you that everyone is a liar except for them. Nope. He does tell Galois that a bunch of people are lying about his origins, but that's to cover a specific lie and not as a manipulation tool.

-Using something dear to you as ammunition. Absolutely not. He did that a few times when Donnie was on his table, but he felt immensely guilty for it afterwards. And none of it was told to him in confidence.

-Ignoring and neglecting. Man could never leave Galois alone long enough to ever qualify for 'ignoring him.'

That's not to say he's never done it. He neglected Bella when he became her guardian and more recently neglected Cass when she moved down to the Hidden City, but he wasn't doing it because he didn't care. He legitimately thought that 'giving them space' was the best thing to do for them at the time. He was wrong, but he did have legitimately unselfish intentions.

-And finally, terrorizing. Portraying the outside world as dangerous and their inner world as a sanctuary. This is where I'm not entirely sure how fair the comparison is. Because while Gothel's main concern was of course someone discovering Rapunzel's magic/princessness or Rapunzel herself wanting to leave her, she still had legitimate cause to worry for Rapunzel's safety. Considering how much Gothel had lived through herself and how she was perfectly happy to live in partial seclusion, she might legitimately be afraid of the outside world. She is still primarily using this narrative to manipulate Rapunzel, however.

Draxum, on the other hand, completely and 100% believes what he says about the world. He truly thinks that the humans will kill his son if he gives them half a chance, so he is determined to never give them that chance. He does have the secondary objective of minimizing contact with anyone who knew Donatello, but that isn't the driving factor behind his decision. Draxum puts on a tough front but really, he is a man absolutely drowning in fear, and considering the possibility of losing his son after all this, after all the others he's lost, after how far he's come, it paralyzes him. He can barely handle even the possibility. He's terrified of the world above and thinks this isolation is the best way to protect his son.

And the thing is, how much does the intent make a difference? Is it better for Galois that his father's poor parenting practices are well-meaning but misguided? Or is it just as bad as when Gothel does it, because the actions are much the same? It's just...a lot of nuance, and I'm going to say Draxum has never seen Tangled and will not see it at least throughout the duration of this fic because I do not want to write his head exploding as he perceives Mother Gothel.

...Goddamn, I wrote a lot.

[contentment-of-cats]

I'll say it again. Andor is the best Star Wars show.

And that's because they didn't let Dave Filoni anywhere near it.

The show is called 'Ahsoka' but is actually an unaired season of Rebels. It ought to have been called 'attempted massive retcon at unwise forward speed' or 'Sabine has abandonment issues and makes poor decisions.' There are good scenes (possibly from another show, which one is anyone's guess) strung together with tired plot devices. Thrawn was chucked into this mess because there was no other way to move the plot. I did dig on some of the details like the signs of age and hard living and the obvious condition of the Chimaera. Other than that - pfft.

Turning to Thrawn - I am an unabashed fan of the Zahn-authored 2017 Trilogy and the HTTE trilogy (except the ending). He is complex neither all good or all evil. He is an antagonist and protagonist at once. Someone to root for and also against. Did he contrive his exile to join the Empire and possibly take it over in order to protect his people? It's possible. I don't think we'll ever find out, though. That being said, I don't think we're going to get much more from two more episodes.

One of my friends said that Filoni writes for children's shows, and it's true. The characters are almost cartoonish, not understandable as adults, but as kids understand adults to be. Perhaps I am expecting too much from an eight-episode MCU-kin show, but there was time to develop Sabine, or FFS Ahsoka (you know, the protagonist?), to fill in whatever has gone on in the past nine years since the Battle of Yavin, five years after Endor. For Sabine and Ezra, there should have been more feeling in that scene than the swell of the music.

A lot of the blame rests with Disney, and the paranoia-controlled process to stamp out leaks at all costs. There is a continuity to writing a script, working out the story boards, reading the script, and then shooting that is entirely lacking in franchise-oriented product. Franchise oriented product is formulated to sell merch and streaming subscriptions, and to drive bodies into theme parks. It's marketable.

The writers' and actors' guild strikes are ongoing. I'm content to wait - writers and actors have been getting screwed, fucked, and buttered without mercy for years. There is a new intensity to the talks as the studios start to sweat.

Final note: I love Thrawn, but the ageism of a vocal part of the fandom makes me want to still be around when these people hit 50. Age and illness and injury HAPPEN. Our bodies do not work as well when joints break down, we get hurt, or sick. Even when he regain functionality, it doesn't all come back. Even when our lives are saved, there are still sequelae. It's made me think less of some folks.

[magicalgirlsirin]

an oral history of vocaloid

ive seen a lot of (very misguided) discussion about vocaloid/vsynth in regards to AI voices discourse, so i thought it would be a good idea to sit down and explore vocaloid as a software, as well as mentioning other software of the same genre, to give people who dont really know much a better understanding

first and foremost: i dislike AI voices that are in unregulated spaces right now. actors who are finding their hard work end up on some website for anyone to use without compensation is devastating, and shows a lack of respect for the effort it takes in the field.

however, vocaloid has a much longer history that pre-dates these aggregate sites. vocaloid software was first released in 2004, and was initially marketed towards professional musicians. vocaloid's second version of the engine, however, decided to broaden the market towards general consumers, pitching it as helpful software to those who wanted to produce music, but didn't have the personal skill or ability to have someone else sing for their music (range, note holding, etc). amateur musicians wouldn't know how to direct someone to tackle a lyric persay, but using software would be easy to learn and they would learn the terminology associated with certain performance decisions.

in vocaloid 2's era, miku was released. miku's voice provider is Saki Fujita, a well respected voice actress who actually does a lot of work in anime as well as video games! the popularity of miku is its own separate post of history, but the explosive nature of it, i would argue, is the reason that vocaloid and other commercial voice synthesizer software ultimately ended up geared towards all consumers instead of just professional musicians. (crypton and yamaha did absolutely still cater to professional musicians, having private or non released banks only for certain companies/contractors to use though).

flash forward, and technology has developed way further. in 2013, cevio released, and in 2017, synthV debuted. by this point, vocal synthing has expanded from just singing software to also include software intended for just speaking (voiceroid by AHS software) and the idea of an AI bank to improve the quality and clarity of voice banks is becoming more feasible.

however, i wouldnt say the developments in AI voices came strictly from this side of things. in fact, i distinctly remember back in the early 2010s, people were using websites with voice models of characters like glados (portal) and spongebob. these audio posts were seen as novelties, and admittedly theyre fun just to mess around with (and people often find the spongebob rap music that yourboysponge makes to be pretty well done!), they do lead the way to better developed technology that doesnt compensate the artist...

so back to vocaloid. the thing about vocaloid (and all vocal synthesizers) is that contracts are in place to give appropriate time and compensation, along with permission to even use the person's voice. saki fujita continues to update miku's voicebank because she is being paid well to do so. this can be said for all vocal synth products. because these companies (crypton, ahs software, internet co, etc) specialize in making these tools and products for it, they have the appropriate knowledge on what proper compensation looks like. a random person grabbing a "raiden shogun genshin ai voice" model has none of those things. the voice actress doesnt get money off of that. its stolen work. AI can be used ethically, but it has to be done with regulation.

im leaving out specifics on certain vocaloids/vsynthesizers since its tangential to this post at best, but im making this so people have a better understanding of the history and intended usage of vocal synthesizer software. thank youuuuu

[amberjazmyn]

"i see him in your eyes, i hear him in your laugh. i think that's why i always found my way back to you..."💔🫶

pairing : charles leclerc x bianchi!fem reader

summary : every anniversary since losing her brother jules, elena bianchi always found her way back to her older brother's godson and the one person she's always loved, charles leclerc.

warnings : tears, mentions of jules bianchi, mentions of jules' crash in suzuka, mention of his coma, charles and bianchi!reader distancing themselves from one another, childhood friends to lovers???

a/n : anything about charles talking about jules just destroys me so i decided i'd write my own piece about that very thing but with a happy ending because i just can't have it be depressing the entire time. also for the 2020 segment, i did change the date of the italian grand prix to make it fit the timeline so please know i did that on purpose for the storyline and for the fact that elena and charles always meet with each other on the same day every year since 2015 even though it's obvious they have seen each other on other days but this specific date being the most important one! and i also forgot that july comes after june so i completely messed up charles' dad's passing as he passed away in june 2017, not july 2017 so i've just kept it the same month as jules but the actual date of the 20th has stayed the same!

2014 - the accident

elena bianchi thought what she was seeing wasn't real and that it was a nightmare of sorts. of course, being the younger sister of marussia f1 team driver jules bianchi, elena knew accidents during a race were bound to happen. it was due to the nature of the sport because it was always unpredictable and it involved nineteen other drivers in really fast cars that could sometimes easily crash and spin out of control. especially if something was missed by the mechanics and the rest of the driver's team. an accident to this calibre hadn't happened since aryton senna in 1994 and it wasn't supposed to. and, elena never thought of the day that her older brother would get into an accident where he wouldn't be able to walk out of it. because accidents like this hadn't happened since senna.

elena was in suzuka for the japanese grand prix 2014. she had gone alongside the rest of her family as well as the leclerc family. happily watching the race when all of a sudden, another collison happens. we say another because the reason why jules crashed was because of a crane that was still on the track still clearing debris from an earlier crash. and unfortunately due to the bad weather, jules didn't see it, lost control of his car and because of that, this accident had occured and it wasn't a pretty accident.

speaking of the leclerc's, it wasn't the entire family at the circut. sitting with elena was the middle son of pascale and herve leclerc, charles leclerc. lorenzo, the older brother and arthur, the younger brother, were at the hotel watching the race there since arthur woke up feeling unwell. lorenzo deciding to stay with his younger brother since arthur was still a bit too young for pascale and herve to feel comfortable about being left alone in a foreign country. pascale and herve were sitting with elena and jules' parents, phillipe and christine. jules and elena's other siblings, brother tom and sister melanie, similar to arthur and lorenzo, were at the hotel getting over earaches that they had both developed overnight, a floor above the two leclerc boys. so, despite not all of the families present at the actual circut, they had all seen jules' accident. because even though tom, melanie, lorenzo and arthur were in the hotel, they were still watching the race on the tv. they would never, ever miss a race the leclerc's and bianchi's. however, this was a race that they wished they all missed. jules included.

tears immediately welled into elena's eyes as she screamed from the tops of her lungs. it seemed like the entire garage and everywhere around her had heard elena's scream. it felt as though so many eyes were on her as she wept over her brother and his crash. charles immediately pouncing into action to try to get the girl he had watched grow up alongside, the two only a year apart in age, to stop crying and panicking. it tore his heart into two seeing his godfather crash and then his godfather's sister, the girl he had the fattest crush on, be so unsure of his survival. as she fell to pieces into his arms as they watched as the race got red flagged since it quickly became obvious that jules wasn't responsive.

any other crash of jules, everyone was always so certain that he'd jump out of the car and walk away with nothing but a few physical bruises with a little bit of a bruised ego. except, it seemed like this time, everyone thought the opposite. and that included jules' favourite sister, elena.

as soon as they were able to extricate jules out of the space he had been crushed into, between his car, barrier and the crane, he was taken to the nearest hospital in suzuka. and obviously, the bianchi's and leclerc's weren't that far behind. they knew they couldn't leave their brother and son all alone in a foreign country after having what could easily be labeled as his worst ever racing accident since joining f1.

🥀

elena could no longer feel her legs or her face. her legs from how long she had been sitting, curled up in that god-awful uncomfortable plastic hospital chair in the waiting room. her face from all the tears she had cried. whether they were wiped away from her own fingers or charles', the tears still didn't forget to render elena's face into pure numbness to the point it felt icy and sore to touch.

she truly had no idea how long she had been sitting on this chair, in this waiting room, in this hospital in suzuka for. had it been minutes? hours? days? it surely hadn't been weeks just yet but, she wouldn't have known because as far as her cloudy eyes let her see, she was not able to read any of the clocks that were hanging up in every other corner in the japanese hospital. she wasn't even sure how she had changed out of what she was wearing on race day and into the leggings (that were her sister's as she looked closer) and the oversized hoodie (which was one of charles', hence why it was oversized) that she finally came to notice that she had on. because of this new revelation, that was when she spoke for the first time since jules' accident.

"...quel jour est-il? et qu'est-ce que je porte? je ne me souviens pas avoir changé de vêtements," elena whispered, her voice quiet due to her not using it since the accident what day is it? and what am i wearing? i don't remember changing my clothes

"c'est lundi, elena. et tu ne te souviens pas avoir changé parce que je l'ai fait. tu portes les leggings de ta mère et mon sweat à capuche..." charles speaks up as elena looks up at him, feeling herself just relax for the first time since the accident it's monday, elena. and you don't remember changing because i did. you're wearing your mum's leggings and my hoodie

"ah, merci charlie..." elena whispers as she digs her hands further into the sleeves of his hoodie as he smiles softly thanks

sighing, charles sits himself next to elena. he had been sitting with his younger brother arthur, who was only fourteen, who had wanted to stay at the hospital so he could at least see jules one final time. the leclerc's were having to leave japan soon but arthur (and charles) begged if they could see jules once more before having to go back to monaco. and, of course, pascale and herve could never say no to their youngest and middle children. and, it was obvious that phillipe and christine were happy to take guardianship over them since lorenzo, pascale and herve were back at the hotel, already having said their pieces to jules about wanting to see him open his eyes and wake up soon and reminding him just how much they loved him and the family. they also didn't want to feel like they were overcrowding the bianchi family, not that the leclerc's ever did overcrowd the bianchi's. but, they just didn't want to risk it so they just sent over charles and arthur to say their pieces to the family and jules before having to leave back to monaco.

so, with charles next to her, elena didn't know how or why but, all of a sudden, it felt like her world had continued to turn again. it no longer felt like someone had pressed pause on her life. whenever elena and charles were together, it was as though their worlds were reignited. any time they were apart from each other, it was as though their worlds were stuck on hold. as though they were waiting for each other since no one else was apart of their world but them two.

placing her head against charles' shoulder, she spoke up again but in english. speaking french was just too complicated for her now, "charlie, are you sure you need to go back to monaco?" the seventeen year old basically whined out like a child as charles let out a breathy chuckle

"i'm very sure, elena. unfortunately, we can't stay here in japan forever. as much as i think we all wish we could, we just can't..." charles sighed as he rested his own head against elena's, their hands resting in their own laps, inches away from the other person's

"...if you had the choice to, would you stay here in japan with jules?" elena was shocked she could even bring herself to say her brother's name as charles smiled softly

"as if you felt the need to even ask that, elena! but, since you want an answer, if i had the choice, yes, i would stay here in japan with jules, et avec toi aussi" charles sighed, hoping his french whisper wasn't heard as he also wanted to stay in japan to be with elena, whilst it was heartbreaking for elena because jules was her brother, her heart suddenly broke more wondering how charles must feel and with you, too

sure, being a godfather was a special connection to have with someone but, some people would say it's not as close as a brother or sister or a legitimate, biological family member. however, since pascale and herve did pick jules as charles' godfather, it was clear that her brother meant a hell of a lot to charles and to the leclerc family. and now it hurt her more because she wished she could see how much it was hurting charles. only because charles was still trying to be strong for elena, her parents and her other two siblings. maybe even for his own family as well. they all had cried, the bianchi's and the leclercs, all of them except for charles. but elena was adamant to change that since she could never fully stay away from charles leclerc. and charles could never fully stay away from elena bianchi.

since her parents and siblings were in the hospital room with jules, arthur in there with them, elena realised this was the only opportunity she'd get to comfort charles without anyone else interferring and getting in the middle of it. grabbing the hand of charles that was closest to hers, she squeezed it tightly as the two teenagers made eye contact with one another. charles' eyes were huge but filled with such sadness and grief that he had been clearly holding back ever since the accident. the minute elena had collapsed to the floor in tears at suzuka circut in the marussia garage, charles shut off every emotion so he could take care of her. doing the exact same for everyone else in his family and the bianchi family, completely ignoring his own grief and feelings. charles was only seventeen but he was already the protector type and those who knew him and knew him well, understood that. however, it then hit elena and she was glad it wasn't obvious. who protects the protector? and, the most logical answer in elena's mind right now was no one. so, now their jobs were being switched, elena was the protector and charles was the protectee, the one being protected and comforted.

"...i'm so sorry charlie, since the accident, you've been so focused on making sure everyone else is okay that no one's stopped to ask you if you're okay," elena whispered as she held charles' hands tightly, holding them in her lap as charles all of a sudden couldn't hold eye contact anymore

it only took that one, little sentence, that broke charles and took down his protector guard for those passing through the hospital hallways to just see a slither of. after elena said that small sentence, it didn't take much longer for charles' floodgates to open and for his grief to finally be felt after keeping it hidden away since the accident. as charles cried and cried, elena held him tightly, his head hidden away in the crook of his own hoodie, that looked giant on elena's teeny tiny petite frame which was baggy on her shoulders. whispering a bunch of sweet comforts and nothings in french, elena knew there was really nothing that could soothe and take away their shared grief except for the one thing they weren't going to get for a while. jules.

🥀

it wasn't until an hour away from visiting hours finishing that charles and elena felt comfortable enough to go into jules' room and visit him. the rest of elena's family alongside arthur had all said everything they wanted to say for the day and for arthur before he'd have to go back to the hotel and then monaco with his family. however, it had taken charles and elena that long to go visit their godfather and brother because it was obvious to the both of them that the other was trying to figure out what they were going to say to jules before even seeing him for the first time.

that was the other thing that hasn't been mentioned yet. this was the first time that the two seventeen-year-olds were seeing jules since the actual accident at the track. both of them, without knowing, at separate times had attempted to go visit jules but both of them froze the second they went to turn the door handle to jules' hospital room. neither of them had the courage to go in and visit jules on their own. but, now that they were together and had each other, they knew they could now go and visit jules before they wouldn't be able to do so. since after this night, charles and the leclerc's would be leaving back to monaco whilst the bianchi's stayed in japan until they were able to repatriate jules back to france.

taking in deep breaths, looking at each and holding hands tightly, charles leclerc and elena bianchi walked into jules' hospital room. just like the day of his accident, elena nearly fell to the floor in hysterics at seeing her brother again. but this time looking so small and hurting in what looked like the tiniest, most uncomfortable hospital bed. and charles was there, holding her tightly as he prevented her from falling to the floor and getting hysterical. but this time, charles didn't hold back his own emotions. this time it was clear to elena that seeing jules again after not seeing him since the accident was putting charles through the same pain that it was putting elena through. and the two of them cried together again, but this time by jules' hospital side. the both of them hugging his hospital bed as though their tears and soft hugs, as not to hurt him, would heal him and make him wake up as though it was a disney movie.

but it wasn't a disney movie. there was nothing they could do to magically heal jules. as much as they wished they could, they weren't able to. they didn't have the healing powers to do so. apparently, according to the nurses and doctors at the hospital, they had done everything they were able to do and now, it was all up to jules and if he wanted to continue. or get better enough that they could repatriate him to france so the hospital staff there, in his home country, could use their skill and technology to help jules get better. but, if the only thing jules could do was get himself stable enough for just the flight back to france, then that was more than okay for everyone. and it seemed as though charles and elena agreed with that statement as well.

now, they started talking to each other, including jules into it even though they knew he couldn't respond. it was just a safety thing for the two teenagers. it seemed as though that wherever the bianchi siblings were, charles wasn't that far behind. or, the alternative, wherever charles and jules were, elena wasn't that far behind.

"...as much as i hate hospitals, i don't think i can say that i hate this one..." elena spoke up, trying to at least get a small giggle out of her and charles - it worked, it was only a low chuckle but it was something

"...jesus christ, elena!" charles chuckled, jules' hand slipping out of his own as he turned to face elena with a little look of disappointment

"i know, bad timing but, i don't know what else to say at this point!" elena shrugged, charles knew that she didn't know what else to say so he smiled and suggested the same thing he always did when elena struggled to say something in a tense situation

"tell the story, elena..." charles whispered as elena smiled, her eyes lighting up as she remembered the story from when she and charles were a little bit younger than they currently were, maybe around the same age as arthur currently was

three years ago

out of the two familes, the bianchi's and leclerc's, jules, elena, charles and arthur were the closest. whilst jules and elena had another two siblings, a brother tom and sister melanie, they were a lot older than jules and elena. which meant they didn't really hang out as much with charles and arthur but rather lorenzo who was much older than charles and arthur. even then, the two older bianchi's and the older leclerc didn't see each other often due to doing other things. but the other four, the younger four, were super close to the point that it didn't matter if they were sitting on the couch or bunched up in the back of the huge bianchi family car on a roadtrip across europe, they were always piled on top of each other. it was as though the four of them had absolutely no concept of what the term "personal space" meant. because, if they were completely honest, they did not understand the term of personal space. but, they didn't mind it at all.

right now, the four teenagers/young adult were in the lounge room at the bianchi home in nice, france watching a movie together. the movie they were watching was what the oldest of the core four, jules, considered to be a classic. it was disney's hercules but, honestly, the other three couldn't fault jules' comment in saying that it was a classic because it was. when the movie was released, charles and elena were barely even born, the both of them being born in 1997 whilst arthur wasn't even a thought in existance since charles still hadn't been born just yet.

because hercules the disney movie was a musical, there were songs throughout and it had suddenly come to what jules says is his ultimate favourite disney song: i won't say (i'm in love). the song that is sung by megara who insists throughout majority of the song and movie up until that point that she won't say she's in love with hercules even though she so desperately is. using that song as a subtle way to tell his godson, charles and his sister, elena that that song describes those two perfectly. because it was so blindly and painfully obvious to everyone else except those two at just how in love they were. and every time jules played this movie with charles and elena with him, even arthur, they always rolled their eyes whenever this song comes on in the movie. all because jules would remove himself from their pile that is them unable to give one another personal space and dramatically perform the song as if he was the next best singer. which was something, if you couldn't already guess, he wasn't. which is why everyone always reminded jules that when he did sing, that they were glad he was an f1 driver and he should probably stick to that job instead.

except, this time, before jules could even think about peeling himself away from sitting in between charles and arthur, elena on the other side of charles, elena peeled herself away from charles. peeling herself off the couch, elena stood in the middle of the lounge room and begun to dramatically perform megara's song i won't say (i'm in love).

because this was the first time they had seen elena do this, the three boys started crying with laughter the second elena began to sung, replicating the exact same dramatic and overexagerated moves that jules would do. unfortunately, due to how much elena had started to laugh and get hysterical, she fell to the floor crying because she was laughing too hard. she didn't even make it to the halfway point of the song before she collapsed to the floor. elena was only on the floor in hysterics for less than two minutes before one after the other, the three boys also fell on the floor. but, not really the floor. remembering that those four don't know the concept of personal space, they couldn't deal with not touching each other for more than a few minutes before they'd be touch starved and need to be on top of one another again.

after the core four finally stopped their crying from laughter gag on the floor, they finally pulled each other up and moved back to the couch so they could finish the movie. even though they had seen it so many times because of jules, they seemed to love it more and more each time. and back on the couch, it felt as though charles and elena had gotten closer to one another. whilst they were already as close as they could get on the couch beforehand, it seemed as though they were even closer by the time jules could catch a cheeky look over. and with a satisfied smile on his face, his plan had worked. a plan that charles and elena would never find out soon but, in the future they sure would because jules had written out a letter detailing his entire plan.

but jules never imagined not being there when charles and elena would first hear of the plan. the letter with the plan detailed out hadn't been found by either charles or elena but, arthur had been given the detailed letter/plan. waiting years before it would actually be found by one of them.

"...i cannot believe that story happened all those years ago, feels like it only happened yesterday or something..." arthur's small voice came out as he entered the hospital room, joining the teary faces of his brother and best friend

"...yeah, feels like that doesn't it, thuthur?" elena spoke softly, holding her arm out to welcome arthur in, it was clear that wherever he was, he had started crying again and it broke elena's heart so her next best thing was to comfort him with a tight hug

the same tight hug that she gave charles, except maybe, arthur's hug was less tight but still tight enough that it let arthur let out the few tears that he had left that he had refused to cry before joining his brother and elena. the only person she reserved those bone-crushing tight hugs for were charles. now that she was giving out these hugs to charles in the situation they were in with jules, it made her upset. she remembered something that jules had told her before he went to his car before the start of the race.

charles noticed as he watched the way she looked between her brother and charles as she let go of arthur as he sat down in the chair behind him. charles could tell that her brain was working hard to figure something out but it suddenly overwhelmed her too much and she had to force herself to sit down before her body could think of collapsing. charles also watched as he saw elena go through what looked like the memory or flashback of what jules had told her. he couldn't help but feel curious and if the flashback of what jules had told her was about him.

5th october 2014 - japanese grand prix 2014

elena bianchi was hanging out with her brother jules before the japanese grand prix at suzuka. it had been a few years since elena had gone to one of the international races since the teenager had been focusing on high school. but now that she was seventeen and about to finish her final year and with the execeptional grades she had been recieving for the first half of the year, jules, with their parents permission, had gifted his sister with vip paddock passes to the japanese grand prix. because he knew it was held perfectly within the week after her final day of actual senior year and a week before she was to start her exams, he knew it would be the perfect congrats present before she'd have to go back and smash out her final ever exams before her actual formal graduation.

so, that's where elena was currently. of course, because she was still just under being of adult age, the rest of the bianchi's had joined but so had the leclerc family. however, the entire trip, the core four, jules, elena, charles and arthur had been split up. split into twos, it was jules & arthur and elena & charles. however, that didn't mean that the bianchi and leclerc siblings didn't hang out with each other cause they did. however, elena and charles were more interested in catching up with just each other. since elena had been at the tailend of her senior year in nice, france and charles had been pushing himself to the bone to get into the formula series since he was following after his godfather, jules', footsteps. and because they were so busy, it had been a while since the two seventeen-year-old's were able to catch up with each other and have a proper conversation without having to worry about school work or racing.

it was in that moment, as jules, from afar, watched as his godson charles and sister elena reunited after what felt like forever. running into one another's arms as though they were the main characters in a romantic movie or even a book series, elena giggles as she wraps her whole body around charles who catches her seamlessly. whilst the core four had always been tightknit, there was no denying from anyone who knew the core four and who was friends with them that elena and charles had the closest friendship. like, if anyone was to ask either of them who their best friend was out of the core four, they both would say the other person. but they would then deny it when the same people said that they were in love with each other but were hiding it. jules was always (mostly) on the side of his godson and sister however, it was this moment that he truly recognised and realised that maybe those people who said his godson and sister were in love with another were right.

no two people who are just "friends" hug that tightly as though they're scared the other is just going to disappear into thin air. he had never realised either just how tightly the two of them hugged. of course he had always seen it since, like mentioned before, the core four (jules, elena, charles and arthur as a reminder) have no concept of what the term "personal space" means. however, this level that charles and elena were on was a completely different one that jules and arthur had not been exposed to until this very moment. jules then noticed arthur on the other side of the room. fourteen-year-old arthur, just like jules, had noticed for the first time just how tightly charles and elena hug each other.

finally, after that felt like an eternity, no, seriously, that hug was a whole five minutes, maybe six or seven, charles and elena had to part ways. charles had promised arthur that he'd walk him back to the hotel where lorenzo was waiting for him. arthur had woken up sick but thought he'd feel better enough to try spend a little bit of time at the track. but it was clear that when jules saw arthur, it was clear the poor teenager no longer felt well enough and just wanted to be back at the hotel as quick as possible. however, the hug between his brother and elena happened so arthur was delayed a little bit. obviously though, when charles did reach arthur, he did apologise and promised him he'd let his younger brother wear his fleecie hoodie and have some of his lollies to make him feel better. waving goodbye to the two leclerc brothers, jules and elena stood next to each other before making their way back into the marussia garage. but, not before jules had to say something though.

"you've never hugged me as tightly in the way you just hugged charles. kinda makes me sad that you don't hug me for that long either. i thought you loved me more than charles since he's always getting those special hugs. when am i gonna get one?" jules whispered, nudging his little sister, a tease in his voice as elena started to get shy and embarrased, a pinky-red blush overcoming her face

"oh stop it jules, mr dramatics! how about if you make the podium in today's race, i pinky promise you, i'll give you one of my special hugs that are only reserved for charles after the podium ceremony!" elena proposes, she knew that her brother had been working his butt off and was extremely close at reaching the podium

so, it seemed as though this bet was the power and fight he needed to make sure he got that podium. he really wanted that special hug that was literally only reserved for charles. no one else in the bianchi or leclerc family were given the special hug that lasted for five,six,seven minutes. just charles.

"you got yourself a deal, elena bianchi! you best believe i'm gonna get that podium and i'm gonna get that hug!" jules smiled with a little bit of cheeky ego as the siblings broke out of the pinky hold, elena rolling her eyes

"anyway, why do you hug charles like that? why are you so worried he's just gonna disappear on you?" jules questioned softly as elena scoffed, shaking her head not wanting to tell her older brother that it was because of how much she missed him

"oh, no reason really. it's just, it started one day where i accidentally hugged him a little too tight and for a little bit too long. i apologised since i thought it was quite embarrassing but, he reassured me that it wasn't and that it was actually quite comforting. and, yeah, it kind of just continued after that really, why? what's your theory on why we hug like that?" elena questioned, shrugging her shoulders as at first, jules was gonna say his actual answer but decided against it

"because you are head over heels in love with him and are too shy to admit it so you act all flirty but call it just you two being really good friends?" jules teases as elena shoves him as the two of them hysterically laugh before jules then got serious, deciding he needed to tell the true answer of what he thought was why those two hugged the way they do

"but in all seriousness elena, i think i know why you and charles hug in the way you do. and i think you do too but you're too scared to admit it to me which is fair. but, i do think it's because you miss me a lot because i'm constantly away and charles looks so much like me that he's basically my replacement for when i'm not around. and because you're so scared you're going to lose me, you project the same fears and worries onto charles, hence why you hug him so tightly and for the amount of time that you do...am i correct?" jules sighs sadly, noticing that elena was about to lie but decided not to since there was no point when it was clear that he had hit the nail on the donkey quite well

"yeh...you are very much correct. ten points to hufflepuff mr bianchi!" elena smiled, sarcasm in her tone as her lip trembled

it became clear to jules at this point that this race in particular was scaring his sister for some reason. he couldn't put a finger on it but, he could sense that elena had a sixth sense about something going wrong. whether that was due to the weather forcasted for the race or something else that could make a race even more dangerous, it was something. so, he pushed it. he wanted to comfort his little sister, convince her that everything would be okay and that nothing bad was going to happen. that he was as safe as he could possibly be and that they'd see one another after the race. especially when it was considered that this was elena's graduation present from jules.

however, jules would never know just how wrong he was in reassuring his little sister that he'd be fine...and now charles realised that his best friend was having a panic attack.

thankfully, he knew how to deal with them but, the one that elena was having was one he had never seen before. he truly should have seen it coming when he noticed the way she was looking between him and jules but, he just didn't. but thankfully, charles managed to get elena to relax and to take some breaths in and out.

now that she was calm, charles began talking to her, "...what was that about elena, what flashback did you just travel through?" he whispered, holding her tightly as the constant beeping of jules' machines soothed the both of them, arthur taken out of the room by christine during elena's panic attack

"i...i was back at the track here at suzuka. it was after you had dropped thuthur back to the hotel to enzo since he hadn't started feeling better like he thought he had. jules had mentioned about the long five minute tight hug we had had and how he wished he'd get one since he never gets them and was wondering when he was ever going to get one...we had a pinky promise that if he made it to the podium that i would give him one after the podium ceremony..." elena's voice cut off at the end, tears welling in her eyes as her breathing started to get shaky as charles felt his heart break

he then remembered a conversation he had had with jules a little bit after the conversation jules had had with elena. jules had revealed to charles the reason why elena always hugged him as tightly as she did. making him, charles, realise that that was why he also hugged elena as tightly as he did. charles also hugged elena so tight because he had the same worries about her that she had about jules. just like elena projected her fears about losing jules onto charles, charles projected his fears about losing jules and his friends onto elena.

opening his arms, he welcomed elena in for the tight hug that was meant to be reserved for jules.

2015 - nice, france

the new year had arrived and finally, jules and the bianchi's were back in france, no longer in the hospital in suzuka, japan, jules had been successfuly repatriated back to his hometown of nice in france. however, upon arriving back home to france, the french hospital decided to place jules into an induced coma to help with the healing process of his injuries. and, the family trusted that having their son and brother in that induced coma would help him and eventually, he'd wake up.

unlike when they were in japan, charles and elena would regularly go and visit jules together. they'd never go on their own, that not changing from when they were in japan however. so, anytime the other person found it too emotionally difficult one day to visit jules, neither of them would be visiting jules that day.

today was one of the day's that they were visiting jules. the hospital hadn't been that busy, only the regular nurses and doctor's of jules coming in every other hour or two to check in and make sure his vitals were how they were supposed to be. so for the most part, the trio sat in an ambient silence that was quite enjoyable. the silence only being broken when either elena or charles really felt the need to let jules' subconcious know whatever it was they were thinking about was important or not. and currently, that's what was happening right now. the topic being about other people's opinion's of charles and elena's relationship and why they were still refusing to admit that they were in love. elena was getting irritated because she thought it was a selfish thing to comment on considering the grief that they were currently going through with jules still in a coma in the hospital.

"...it's so selfish jules! the fact they feel like they have the audacity to comment on me and charles' relationship when you're here, laying in this bed in a coma not able to stop them spewing pure lies!" elena's voice came out in a high-pitched shrill as did jules it seemed

the high-pitched frequency of elena's voice seemed to piss jules off, causing all of his machines that he was hooked up to to beep like a madman. a stampede of nurses and doctors, some of them not even part of jules' medical team running in. charles and elena getting pushed out of the room, the door closing as the stampede tried to find the cause of the beeps and chaos so they could stop it. it was horrifying for the both of them because it happened so quickly. one moment, elena was calm as she told the story before she wasn't and then, bam, jules' machines went ballistic.

the worst part was, it was just elena and charles visiting jules that particular day so they also had the burden to tell the rest of the blended family of bianchi's and leclerc's what had happened. thankfully though, when they did tell them, no one was mad at elena for 'making' jules' machines go haywire. in fact, they were also mad when it was mentioned what elena was talking about before the incident. all of them agreeing that the people commenting on her and charles' relationship was just beyond inappropriate considering what they were going through with jules.

🥀

the best friends had settled themselves down onto what the bianchi and leclerc's called the love couch. it was a weird looking couch that, like the title suggests, looks a little like an inverted love-heart. it wouldn't be the first time that the leclerc and bianchi had sat in the love couch together before but it had been the first time in ages. the last time they had sat in it was when they were arthur's age and jules was teasing his sister and godson about how 'touchy feely' they were being with one another considering they were 'just best friends'.

it was clear that sitting back in the love couch sent the both of them through a weird sense of deja vu of that time three years ago. however, they didn't mention it even though they were totally sure that the other one was thinking of the same feeling. that was until sweet little arthur mentioned it.

"...cela me donne un vrai déjà-vu. vous ne vous êtes pas assis sur ce canapé depuis des années," arthur spoke in french as the two older teenagers smiled over at the younger one this is giving me real deja vu. you guys haven't sat on that couch in years

"nous connaissons thuthur. je ne pense pas que nous l'ayons fait exprès," charles speaks up as elena just watches on calmly, a small smile on her face we know thuthur. i don't think we did it on purpose

switching back to english, authur spoke up again, "so wait, what actually happened at the hospital?" he wondered since he wasn't at the hospital when it had happened as charles and elena scoffed softly

"i got a little bit heated, thuthur. i got mad over the topic of people commenting on me and charles' relationship whilst jules is suffering, laying in a hospital fighting for his life. my voice started to raise and it seems jules did not like that one bit so, all of his machines started beeping since my voice had reached quite a high pitch and then we were told we had to leave..." elena explained as charles wrapped his arms around her as arthur nodded his head, a solemn look in his eyes

it was clear to the two seventeen-year-olds that arthur had a thought in his head that he was battling against whether he should or shouldn't say it out loud.

"qu'est-ce qui ne va pas thuthur? on dirait que tu veux dire quelque chose," charles questioned in french as arthur once again fought himself on what he wanted to say before he decided to just say it what's wrong thuthur? you look like you wanna say something

"tu penses que jules va se réveiller? genre, il va se réveiller et tout ira bien à nouveau?" arthur questioned as charles and elena both froze for a moment as they thought about the fourteen-year-old's question do you think jules is going to wake up? like, he's going to wake up and he'll be okay again?

"oh, thuthur, je suis sûr que jules ira très bien! il ne devrait y avoir aucun doute dans ta douce petite tête que jules ne se réveillera pas!" elena spoke up this time as she leant forward from charles' grip as she ruffled arthur's hair as he nodded his head, the fear subsiding oh, thuthur, i'm sure jules will be just fine! there shouldn't be any doubt in your sweet little head that jules won't wake up!

little did those three know that elena's statement would be heartbreakingly wrong and that they should have had all the doubts in the world about jules waking up.

17th july 2015 - nice, france

the one day that charles, arthur and elena weren't at jules' bedside was the day elena recieved the one call those four never wanted to receive. jules didn't make it out of the coma nor would he ever. his beautiful eyes would never open and he'd never wake up again. he would never ever be able to get into a formula one car again. he would never get the chance to see the relationship between his baby sister and godson break down and then bloom into what would soon become a beautiful relationship in the years to come.

as soon as elena got off the phone with her parents and lorenzo telling her that jules hadn't made it, she dropped her phone almost immediately. and of course, it worried charles and arthur. the three of them hadn't really expected any new news about jules since the last they had seen and heard, they had been told he was doing fine and had a slither of hope that he'd wake up or at least show more improvement. so, this was concerning for both charles and arthur.

"ça va, elena? qui t'appelait?" charles questioned, looking away from the tv that had been playing a movie before pausing it as arthur's attention is also on elena you okay, elena? who was calling you?

at first, elena was too stunned to speak. shaking her head, it felt as though she had forgotten all three languages that she knew, french, english and italian. however, she quickly snapped out of it as she remembered how to speak french again.

"c'était maman. elle appelait à propos de jules…" elena trailed off as immediately, charles and arthur started to panic it was mum. she was calling about jules

"est-ce qu'il va bien? genre, et jules?" charles questioned with worry as elena didn't even need to say anything at this point and the two leclerc's knew exactly what elena was alluding to is he okay? like, what about jules?

even though they had a feeling of what elena was referring to, they didn't want to believe it. to the point that arthur spoke up and started to panic.

"non. non. que…tu mens elena! jules va bien! il va se réveiller, n'est-ce pas?" arthur panicked as elena moved over to the young teenager and comforted him as it all started to set in for the three of them no. no. that...you're lying elena! jules is fine! he'll wake up, won't he?

"je suis désolé thuthur…je ne mens pas, jules ne va pas bien. il…il ne va pas réveiller bubba," elena whispered as she hugged the fourteen-year-old tighter as he started to cry i'm sorry thuthur...i'm not lying, jules isn't okay. he...he isn't going to wake up bubba

hearing her best friend break down into tears hearing her words broke elena's heart. she honestly had no idea what to expect from arthur since he was usually so positive and naive in a way that jules would get better and recover. and now, all that positivity and hope was just destroyed and it didn't give elena a nice feeling in her mouth. and then, whilst hugging arthur, she couldn't help but make eye contact with charles to make sure he was okay and how he was taking the news. and his reaction, whilst not as visceral or stereotypical as people would say, charles' reaction broke elena's heart just as much as arthur's did. charles was frozen in shock. he had no clue what to do or how to react at first. he was just staring at elena as though he was hoping that the longer he stared at her that it would mean the words she said would change. but they didn't. no matter how long charles stared at elena for, it wouldn't ever change the fact that jules was dead and he was no longer going to come back.

it was at this point that elena knew that as much as it saddened her, she could only comfort one leclerc at a time. and, now that she had comforted arthur as much as she could, it was now time for her to comfort charles. pulling out of the hug with arthur, she wiped away the last of his tears, kissed his forehead and moved him in the direction of him and lorenzo's bedroom since she knew that the older leclerc would be home soon and she could ask enzo to keep an eye on arthur. all the while she'd keep an eye on charles.

now that it was just the two of them left, elena and charles, it seemed as though there was no hesitation but for charles to just collapse into elena's waiting frame. the shock still present on his face as his breathing started to get quicker as though he was about to start hyperventilating.

"jules est mort, elena…je…je ne le reverrai plus jamais..." charles stammered out as his breathing picked up as elena hugged the distraught boy tighter jules is dead, elena...i...i'll never see him again

"je connais char et je suis vraiment désolé que cela soit arrivé parce que ce n'est pas juste du tout! si seulement je pouvais faire quelque chose pour le changer, mais je ne peux pas, aucun de nous ne le peut!" elena's voice fell into a whisper as it cracked a tiny bit as her heart broke at hearing charles finally start to break down now that his shock seemed to finally wear off i know char and i am so sorry that this has happened because it's not fair at all! if only i could do something to change it but i can't, none of us can!

it had ultimately been that sentence that broke charles and had him break down in tears. they had moved to the couch, elena openingher arms for charles to fall into as they layed themselves down and hugging one another. the cries were loud and ugly, there was absolutely nothing pretty or attractive about charles' tears and sobs. they were so loud that arthur could hear them from his and lorenzo's bedroom and it was so agonizing hearing them that it had set of arthur again, making him cry all over again after he had only just managed to calm himself down. only for his older brother's heartwrenching cries to make him cry all over again. thankfully, enzo had just stepped into the house as charles started to cry and immediately, the older brother knew that with elena taking care of charles in the lounge room, he knew that their younger brother would be in their shared bedroom and crying as well.

so, with elena consoling charles on the lounge room couch and lorenzo consoling arthur in their shared bedroom, the 17th of july would forever remain as one of the saddest days for the leclerc's and bianchi's. along with the whole entire motorsports world.

17th july 2016 - monte-carlo, monaco

for the one-year anniversary of the death of her brother, elena found herself in monaco. monte-carlo to be quite specific and she loved it. whilst it wasn't that far off from her hometown of nice, france, in monaco it didn't reek of memories of her older brother jules. elena was all alone in monaco however. the rest of her family still in france as they celebrated and mourned the one-year annviersary of jules as a family whereas they allowed elena to do whatever it was she wanted. knowing that there was no way she could stand being in nice or france in general for the one-year anniversary of jules' passing.

however, she had never expected to bump into charles leclerc. the last time they had properly seen each other, elena and charles, was at jules' funeral. and it wasn't because they were actively avoiding each other by any means. the loss of jules had actually brought the youngest bianchi and the middle leclerc closer than ever. however, it was because of charles getting further in motorsport that caused the two of them to see each other less often. they always spoke over the phone and through text messages and facetimes but it wasn't until the one-year anniversary that they had actually seen each other in person again.

it was charles that had noticed elena first and a small smile creeped on his face as he moved closer to his childhood best friend. today wasn't a day that charles originally felt like smiling about however, just seeing his godfather's younger sister in his hometown of monte-carlo, monaco was all he needed for that smile on his face to appear.

"...elena? est-ce vraiment toi?elena? is it really you?" charles called out as the brunette-haired girl turned around, her hair blowing in the wind as another smile grew across charles' face - it was elena

turning around, elena was confused and slightly freaked out that someone knew her name and was calling out for her. however, when she fully turned around and looked at the person that had called out her name, a smile overtook her face as well. it was charles and she couldn't believe it. it had been almost an entire year since she had seen him and now, on the one-year anniversary of her brother's passing, here he was, back in his hometown whilst she was there at the same time and they had just happened to bump into each other.

"charles! salut, ouais, c'est bien moi! que fais-tu à la maison?" elena jumped off the seat she was sitting on and rushed over to pull the now eighteen-year-old in for a hug as charles welcomed it charles! hi, yeah it really is me! what are you doing back home?

"j'étais censé courir mais j'ai vite réalisé à quel point c'était difficile pour moi de courir compte tenu de la date d'aujourd'hui…" charles trailed off as elena remembered and nodded her head, understanding why charles would find it difficult to even think about stepping into a race car on this date i was supposed to be racing but i, uh, quickly realised just how hard it was for me to race considering today's date

"ouais, je ne peux pas imaginer devoir même penser à être sur une piste de course aujourd'hui," elena's voice went down a step as charles nodded his head as he gulped yeah, i can't imagine having to even think about being on a racetrack today

silence quickly filled charles and elena as they sat next to each other. it was a comforting silence, there was never any awkwardness between the two eighteen-year-olds. even when they were kids, they were never awkward with one another. but now that they were eighteen and it had now been an entire year without jules, it felt as though the two of them were slowly drifting apart from one another. and it scared them because they had always been a tight knit group alongside enzo, arthur and jules. but now that jules was gone, it felt as though everything was falling apart and it was devastating. the bianchi's and leclerc's still spoke to each other but it felt as though the loss of jules made a hole in everyone's hearts that they just started to slowly drift away.

however, today it seemed as though jules was really bringing everyone together because someone's very familiar sounding accent caught charles' and elena's attention. it was arthur and lorenzo. and it was honestly quite the emotional moment when elena bianchi reunited with arthur and lorenzo leclerc. in the same way it was an emotional moment to be reunited again with charles after an entire year.

"elena? c'est bien toi! elena? it's really you!" arthur's voice rings out as he runs over to pull the older girl in for a hug, the now fifteen year old on the verge of tears

as soon as elena smiled and nodded her head, giving arthur the true confirmation he needed to let him know that it really was elena, he broke down into tears. hugging him tightly, elena smiled as she invited the older leclerc into the hug since she could tell that he was also on the verge of tears as well. the hug between the two leclerc's and the bianchi was a sweet hug that was clearly needed by all three of them - and charles of course. there was no way elena could exclude charles so she also extended a hand to charles when she started to notice that he was feeling the smallest bit left out.

"viens ici, char! come here, char!" elena giggled, opening up the hug once more to bring him into it as he smiles and does just that

now that the hug was semi complete since it was no longer the core five but now the core four, it was a lovely moment that was a sweet, emotional moment that truly reminded elena of why she had come to monaco that day for the one-year anniversary of jules' passing.

the rest of the day was elena spending some much needed catch-up time with the leclerc's, not just the three brothers but also with herve and pascale. the smiles on the faces of herve and pascale when the brothers walked in with elena with them were as bright as could be. they'd never been happier to see elena then they were that day. although the day was a difficult day and it was always going to be a difficult day, seeing elena walk into their house alongside their three boys made a world of a difference for herve and pascale. that was the day they truly had faith in the fact that jules' death didn't really cause the four friends to distance from one another but it had in fact brought them closer.

17th july 2017 - nice, france

it was the two year anniversary of jules' passing when elena found herself in her hometown, nice, france, spending the annviersary with her family. whilst she had absolutely adored being in monaco for the first anniversary and it had brought her so much closure and tightened her bond with the leclerc's, it was clear that elena needed her family this year. and the leclerc's had no worries about that. especially now that charles had made his way into formula two, they understood completely but continued to talk with each other over text conversations and one facetime call between charles and elena.

then, it started to get later in the day, two years of jules' passing almost over, elena sitting outside at a beach in nice. she needed an escape from her home and the beach was her favourite spot to decompress when she suddenly heard the roar of a car engine. and it was nearing midnight so it mortified her to think it was her parents or one of her other siblings trying to look for her. and as she started in her rush up off the sandy beach, she stood up only to see that it was charles. the very same charles that was in monaco not even an hour beforehand. well, that's what it had looked like to elena when they were on the facetime call but, apparently not. but, clearly it was possible since it was only 28mins give or take between the two places. but it still shocked the bianchi that for the second year in a row, that they were seeing each other on the anniversary of jules' passing.

"hé, étranger, qu'est-ce que tu fais ici si tard dans la nuit?" elena chuckled cheekily as charles giggled himself as he continued to walk further down the sand towards elena hey stranger, what are you doing here this late at night?

"oh, pas vraiment de raison. mais je pourrais aussi te poser la même question, que fais-tu ici si tard dans la nuit?" charles was cheeky back as elena giggled and shook her head as they finally were in arms reach for a hug as they embraced one another oh, no real reason really. but i could also ask you the same question, what are you doing here this late at night?

"honestly?" elena questioned in english as charles nodded his head as the two nineteen year olds pulled out of the hug and sat down back onto the sandy beach below them

"well, i can't stand maman's consistent breakdowns alongside papa, melanie and tom just being on hand and foot for maman when she's not the only one grieving over jules. i thought i really needed my family today for jules' two-year anniversary but honestly, i think i just needed my own space that's away from them. besides, why are you here when you should be spending time with your family? i heard that your papa's sick, how's he going?" elena shrugged but got serious at the mention of charles' father who had recently fallen ill which got charles slightly quiet and emotional as his jaw clenched

"wow...seems as though we both needed to get away from our overbearing families..." charles' voice went quiet as elena was in shock, the leclerc's were never ever overbearing so she was curious

"...what do you mean by overbearing?" elena questioned as charles sighed and shrugged his shoulders

"similar to you, i guess. maman's started to freak out so much that it's taken over lorenzo, arthur and myself to the point that no matter what we try to do, maman will always find an arguement about why we shouldn't be doing it and instead be focusing on our father. that was why i decided to run away and find you cause i just needed to be with someone else that wasn't my family and you were the first person i thought of..." charles admitted as elena smiled sadly as she held her hand out for him to grab and he did without hesitating

and it was as though a small spark zapped the second the two made contact with one another. it made the both of them jump as though they had both zapped each other but with small smiles and a sense of calm, they stayed holding hands. and holding hands made a sweet silence grow between the duo. the only other noise being the wind and the ocean in front of them as it comes and goes from the tide's edge.

that was until charles' spoke up again, "i'm so scared of the possibility of something bad happening to papa that i lied to him and told him that i had signed with ferarri..." charles sniffled softly as elena's body deflated whilst her grip on charles tightened

"...oh, char! i'm so sorry!" elena whispered as she pulled the now sobbing monegasque in her arms, their hands still tightly clasped as elena whispers sweet words in french

"they...they think it'll happen soon. he's not doing well at all, elena and i'm terrified! i can't lose papa so soon after losing jules, i just can't!" charles whimpered, his tears hitting elena's bare shoulder ever so softly

"i wish there was more i could do or say to help, char but i'm at a loss for words! what do you want me to do to help you?" elena asked as even though she had no idea how to help her best friend, she still wanted to

"just hold me, elena, please?" charles whispered as elena nodded her head and tightened her grip on charles as he buried his head into her shoulder as they sunk further down into the sand below them

just like last year on the one-year anniversary, on the two-year anniversary, elena spent the evening of jules' passing with the leclerc's. however this time, it was so much more somber knowing that herve wouldn't have that long left himself. spending the night curled up against the three brothers as they all cried and shared with elena their fears of losing their papa in the same way they shared their fears of losing jules.

17th july 2018 - monte-carlo, monaco

today was the three year anniversary of jules' passing and it was also about to be the first-year since the leclerc's had said their final goodbyes to their father, herve. it was awful, elena remembered that day clearer than she remembered the day she was told about jules' death. and maybe that was because she was actually at herve's bedside with the leclerc's to help pascale console them on the day he died whereas with her brother, she was at the house with the brothers when she got the phone call about jules' death. but, none the less, just like the two years before this one, elena was in monaco this time, deciding that every anniversary of jules' from now on she'd spend in monaco. ever since last year's terrible two year anniversary in france, elena decided she'd spend it in monaco with the leclerc's or until she could afford to live in monaco. even then, she'd still spend all the time she could in monaco with the leclerc's anyway. so she could then also be there for them during the anniversaries for herve now that it was only a few days between jules' anniversary and herve's. herve passing away on the 20th of july last year.

so because of that, on top of missing and thinking about her brother, elena was thinking about herve leclerc and the heartbreak that brought to her best friend's family. however, it completely shocked her to find out that days later, charles won the f2 feature race in baku and tributed his win to his father. unfortunately, elena wasn't able to go to that race to support charles in baku but it was obvious that when he returned home by who he decided to visit first which was elena that charles was also thinking about wanting her to know about this win. and it had been since that day that charles and elena hadn't seen each other since charles was getting further in formula two and on the verge of making it on the grid for formula one, he was so busy with all the races and the fun and exciting things that came with formula two and verging on formula one that the two nineteen year olds were no longer able to see one another or speak to each other over the phone as often as they liked to. but they didn't let that ruin their friendship and the clear soulmate bond that they had with one another.

however, as though it was the work of jules and herve, elena turned around from the beach of monte-carlo to see charles standing right behind her. this had happened every year on jules' anniversary and now it started to feel like it was a sign not just from jules but now herve with a message for the two young adults.

smiling, she didn't hesitate to run over and pull charles in for a hug, one which he didn't fight against either as he also smiled into the hug.

"ce doit être un signe de jules et papa à ce stade. c'est la troisième année que cela arrive!" charles joked as the two pulled out of the hug as elena giggled and nodded her head this must be a sign from jules and papa at this point. this is the third year that this has happened

"ça doit être le cas, clairement ! parce que depuis que vous avez débuté en formule two, c'est vraiment le seul moment où nous pouvons nous voir et pas seulement nous parler au téléphone," elena chuckled with a nose crinkle as they started to walk further down the beach a little more as charles giggled too it must be, clearly! because ever since you've started in formula two, this is really the only time we actually get to see each other and not just talk over the phone

"si c'est un signe de jules et papa, qu'est-ce que tu crois qu'ils essaient de nous dire?" charles questions as they then sit themselves down on the sand right in front of where the tide was coming in and out if it is a sign from jules and papa, what do you think it is they are trying to tell us?

elena giggled as she tilted her head to charles' shoulder where he let her rest her head, "peut-être qu'ils nous demandant d'arrêter de tourner autour du pot et d'accepter que nous sommes peut-être plus que de simples meilleurs amis?" she giggled as she then turned to look at charles, making strong eye contact as he froze for a moment maybe they are asking us to stop beating around the bush and accept that maybe we're more than just best friends?

charles wasn't silent in shock for too long before he smiled and brought his focus back to elena, "cela aurait beaucoup de sens puisque la seule fois où nous nous voyons maintenant, c'est à l'occasion de l'anniversaire de la mort de jules..." charles trailed off as elena nodded her head and agreed because it was true it would make a lot of sense since the only time we just happen to see each other now is on the anniversary of jules' death

even though they never imagined it nor wanted it happen in that way and sure as hell did jules never want his death to be the reason for them ever so slowly and slightly drifting away from each other. it was clear that on this one day every year since, jules was bringing them together to the same spot, whether elena was in france or monaco, they always managed to find each other. and now it seemed as though this was also herve's doing since jules wasn't the only one rooting for charles and elena to fall in love. and now that they three, nearly two, days away from the one-year anniversary of herve, it seemed as though herve was also doing everything he could to bring the two closer to each other yet again.

the rest of the evening, once again, elena would find her way back to the leclerc's and spend that evening and that week with them. supporting them in the same way with herve as they supported her with jules.

and maybe, just maybe, a little something more happened between charles and elena. but just maybe though.

17th july 2019 - monte-carlo, monaco

it was the four-year anniversary of jules' death that things between elena and charles really started to change. elena had now made a permanant move to monte-carlo since she decided that she wanted to study in monaco and her parents were happy to see their daughter flourish in monaco, knowing that france was never going to do that for her. and it was clear those two, elena and charles, had started to become more than just friends but the two of them, when asked, still called their relationship a friendship. now that charles was coming off the cusp of his rookie season with formula one, just like the other years, his time spent with elena was almost fickle until this very date, the 17th of july, when they always seemed to magically run into one another. it was now a sweet inside joke within the bianchi and leclerc families that on this very day every year, there was some force or pull in the universe that had charles and elena find each other.

and once again, it was on a beach, not the same beach as last year but a beach nonetheless that charles and elena found one another. except, this time it was elena that had found charles, unlike the previous years when it had been charles. the reason was because elena was on her daily walk after her uni classes since her uni was right near this specific beach when she thought she heard what sounded like someone crying. and hearing someone crying always put elena on high alert because she never wanted to hear someone cry and not be able to console them. so that was what she did. she had simply followed the sounds of the crying and found her way to where the tide was meeting the sand and there the silhouette was.

but it wasn't just anyone's silhouette, it was charles' silhouette. and little cracks started to form around elena's heart as the closer she got the louder charles' cries were getting. running down the sand bank to the ocean's tide seemed like the only thing elena was focused on as she got closer and closer to charles before she collapsed to her knees as soon as she could see that charles could recognise it was her and not a stranger. as soon as she saw that charles knew it was her, she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close to her as that gave charles the clues he needed to know that he could cry as loud as he wanted now.

"je suis vraiment désolé, char! tu ne méritais pas ça!" elena had no idea why those were the first words that came out of her mouth but they were as charles started to calm himself down i am so sorry, char! you did not deserve that!

"pourquoi tu t'excuses elena? why are you apologising elena?" charles whispered, his voice cracking from his tears as elena removed one arm from her hold of charles to his cheek to wipe away the tears

"parce que je suis vraiment désolé que vous ayez dû perdre deux belles personnes dans votre vie à un si jeune âge, à une époque où vous essayiez si fort d'entrer en formule one!" elena whispered, her hand that wiped away the tears now resting softly on his cheek, her other arm wrapped around charles as they sat knee-to-knee, the tide coming and going as it pleased because i am so sorry that you had to lose two beautiful people in your life at such a young age at a time when you were trying so hard to get into formula one

charles really couldn't understand why elena was apologising for something she truly had no control over. sure, this day as well as three days from this one, the twentieth, would always be a day of sadness and grief, that wasn't the main reason why charles was so upset and crying on the beach. honestly, the reason why he was crying was a hell of a lot more embarrassing reason than the four year anniversary of jules and the upcoming two year anniversary of his father. he was crying because he had finally read the note that jules had wrote back in 2014 before the japanese grand prix that he had given to arthur for safe keeping. it was the letter that he had written about wanting to see the day that his sister and godson admitted to one another that they really did love each other more than just as friends.

"tu n'as vraiment pas besoin de t'excuser elena. la raison pour laquelle je pleure n'est pas de ta faute ni à cause de papa ou même de jules…" charles trailed off since whilst the reason why he was crying had to do with jules, it wasn't in the way elena thought it was you really don't need to apologise elena. the reason why i'm crying isn't your fault nor is it because of dad or even jules

"alors pourquoi tu pleures, char? then why are you crying, char?" elena questioned softly as she held his hand tightly as the waves crashing around them was their background music as charles smiled tearfully

"parce que je t'aime tellement elena! because i love you, so much elena!" charles whispered, his voice breaking slightly as elena softened as a sweet smile overtook her face

"je t'aime aussi, char et je l'ai toujours aimé! i love you too, char and i always have!" elena whispered back with a 'duh' tone in her voice as charles sniffled, wiping away a tear from his cheek as he shook his head, causing elena confusion

"je ne veux pas dire ça comme ça, elena ! je t'aime plus qu'un simple meilleur ami...i don't mean it like that, elena! i love you more than just a best friend..." charles admits for the first time and it was like a weight off his shoulders as elena went into shock and froze, only her eyes blinking

the silence went on for another minute, the two twenty-one year olds staring at one another in pure silence. again, it wasn't an awkward silence but it was a silence that let elena fully comprehend what charles had just admitted to her.

"...c'est pourquoi je pleurais parce que j'avais trouvé la lettre qui était le plan que jules avait écrit il y a des années en 2014 à propos de notre entrée en relation parce qu'il avait toujours voulu que nous arrêtions d'être des bébés et que nous nous disions la vérité mais il ne l'a jamais été pouvoir le voir…" charles broke the silence but with a whisper as elena didn't break her eye contact, fully comprehending what charles had just revealed since she had also felt the same but had no clue how to bring it up either that's why i was crying because i had found the letter that was the plan that jules had written years ago in 2014 about us getting into a relationship because he had always wanted us to just stop being babies and tell each other the truth but he was never able to see it

"le plan que jules avait donné à thuthur? the plan that jules had given to thuthur?" elena questioned with a small smile as charles smiled too with a headnod

"ouais, la lettre que thuthur cachait dans sa chambre depuis 2014. yeah, the letter that thuthur had been hiding in his room since 2014," charles chuckled softly as elena smiled, nodding her head knowing it was that cheeky bugger that had been keeping her brother's letter safe

"j'avais le sentiment que c'était thuthur qui le gardait en sécurité! i had a feeling that thuthur was the one keeping it safe," elena giggled softly as charles looked shocked - did elena know about the letter?

"tu savais? you knew?" charles questioned as elena giggled as she shook her head, letting charles know that she was just as shocked as he was to find out there actually was a letter even though she was suspicious that jules had actually written one

"oh mon dieu, non! je n'en avais vraiment aucune idée, je veux dire, j'avais des soupçons, mais je n'ai jamais pensé que jules irait de l'avant et aurait un plan écrit pour essayer de nous rapprocher," she chuckled as charles did too as he nodded his head, giggling a little too as they continued to hear and feel the waves crash right at their feet, the sun fully set at this point oh my gosh, no! i truly had no idea, i mean, i had a suspicion but never did i think jules would actually go ahead and have a plan written about trying to match make us together

"eh bien, pensez-vous que ce qu'il a écrit dans cette lettre…dans ce plan pourrait se réaliser?" charles questioned with hopefulness as elena giggled sweetly well, do you think what he wrote in that letter...in that plan could come true?

"je le fais, char. je pense vraiment que Jules écrivait dans le futur parce qu'il était parfaitement au courant de tout ce qu'il écrivait dans cette lettre, comme s'il savait exactement ce qui allait se passer... même sa mort," elena admitted as charles couldn't even hide the smile on his face that was being illuminated by the two young adults iphone flashlights i do, char. i really do think jules was writing into the future because he was bang on with everything he wrote in that letter as though he knew exactly what was going to happen, even his death

"je t'aime, elena. plus que je n'ai jamais aimé quelqu'un dans ma vie…" charles whispered as he got closer to elena's face as she smiled, moving her face closer to charles' face i love you, elena. more than i've ever loved anyone before in my life

"...je t'aime aussi char, plus que quiconque dans ma vie," elena whispered as they continued to move closer before they were so close that they could feel each other's breaths on each other's cheeks i love you too char, more than anyone else in my life

"embrasse-moi elena, s'il te plaît? kiss me, elena, please?" charles whispered in a plead as elena nodded her head as she moved forward to kiss him

"je pensais que tu ne demanderais jamais, char! i thought you'd never ask, char!" elena whispered as she hiked herself up on her knees before her hands found their way to charles' cheeks

after finding charles' cheeks with the limited lighting they had from their iphone flashlights, elena's eyes and mouth found charles' eyes and mouth and then all of a sudden, in the most gentle of ways, elena initiated what was their first official kiss as boyfriend and girlfriend.

we're saying first official kiss because remember the night last year on the three-year anniversary of jules' passing? the night that elena went back to the leclerc's and there was an allusion that maybe, just maybe, something more had happened between the two? that was the 'something more'. the two had shared a very emotional kiss of desperation between the two, mostly on charles' side since it was days before the loss of his father and he wasn't coping well especially after he had made elena aware that he had lied to his father about getting not just a formula one contract but the contract signing him to ferrari. and, the only thing that elena could think to do in her elevated emotional state of mind since she had also gotten emotional herself that night as well about jules' death and the probability of herve's looming death was that the smartest thing in her mind was to ask charles to kiss her. at first he wasn't sure about it but when the both of them started to cry about the thought of herve never being alive to see his baby boy and the little girl he always saw as his daughter fall in love with each other and kiss each other, they decided they'd kiss and lie to herve telling him that they were dating and had been for a month. and it was after that evening when the two teenagers fell asleep next to each other, holding one another with tear-stricken faces that arthur, lorenzo and pascale knew that they had just lied to herve to make him happy for one last time.

and that 'first' kiss they had had wasn't the reason why they stopped seeing each other except for messages and facetime calls. it was genuinely because of charles' f2 career and that he was in the works of making it to the formula one grid and that elena was starting to think about leaving nice, france once and for all. but now that they were both permanantely situated in monaco and they were older and wiser, they took this year's four year anniversary of jules' death as their sign to finally tell each other the truth and that they were in love with each other. they just never imagined it would have started because elena had found charles crying on the beach because it was him that had found jules' letter that had the written plan out of playing cupid and getting the two dating.

and now, they were having their first real kiss as a couple and it was a wonderful kiss. it truly felt magical and as though the stars were finally aligning and as though the work of jules as well as herve had finally done it's job. jules had finally played cupid and was able to matchmake his baby sister and godson to start their long-awaited relationship after years of waiting. even though jules couldn't see it happen in real life, he still sure as hell made it happen with his soul that was seemingly always around on this specific day every year whilst his body laid at rest.

after they finished kissing, like the last couple anniversaries, charles and elena got themselves standing and walked back to elena's car. elena figuring out that charles had ran from wherever it was he had been all the way to the beach so they hopped back into elena's car and drove back to the family home. even though both charles and elena had apartments of their own, the leclerc family home in monaco was the best comfort spot for the two and it was where they had gone back to after every anniversary of jules that they had seen each other.

let's just say it brought a huge smile to the faces of pascale, lorenzo and arthur when they saw the couple walk into the house holding hands and giving each other shy looks.

17th july 2020 - monza, milan, italy

on the five year anniversary of her older brother's death, elena bianchi wasn't in monaco nor was she in france. she was in monza for the italian grand prix. wearing red, obviously, to support her boyfriend charles who was now driving for ferrari alongside sebastian vettel. it was the first grand prix of the 2020 season that she had been able to watch live due to the coronavirus and since so many races had been and were no doubt going to be cancelled due to the ongoing pandemic. and it had also been the first f1 race that she had actually seen in person since the 2014 japanese grand prix when jules had his accident. however, in monza, there was no way that elena was taking it for granted that she was at a race during a global pandemic but especially on the one day that she wishes no one could race on again. just like f1 lovingly retired her brother's racing number, 17, she wished they could retire the 17th of july as a day where they don't schedule a race on. however, she knew that was impossible since it wasn't always up to the fia as to when the grand prixs would be and what dates during the competition season they'd run on.

so, sitting in the ferrari hospitality, elena watched with equal nervousness and excitement. that was until it turned into sadness when charles had to retire out of the race. it broke her heart to see the love of her life get a DNF but at the same time, she was so grateful that he didn't hurt himself or get into a bad accident that caused him that DNF. by the time charles no longer felt any anger about retiring from the race, he went straight over to the hospitality to find elena. and she was right there waiting for him, with her arms wide open for him to fall into knowing just how much he really wanted that win considering what day the italian grand prix just happened to fall on this year as well as it being during a bloody pandemic.

"i'm sorry bebe, you didn't deserve that!" elena whispered in english, both french and italian escaping her as charles smiled softly and shook his head

"it's fine, ma belle. maybe it was a sign from jules and papa to keep me safe!" charles huffed loudly as he adored being held by his girlfriend, her legs crossing over the lower of his back, her arms rubbing his upper back

"yeah, maybe it was but, at least we're gonna see a maiden win this race i think..." elena perked up as she watched the race as it continued on the screens in front of her, causing charles to spin around and bending down to sit on elena's lap

"...oh my gosh...pierre's gonna win his first ever f1 grand prix!" elena whispered, her smile widening as her free hand covered her mouth whilst charles could only bite his lip to stop his smile from looking crazy with a shaking head

pierre and charles grew up together, doing karting together alongside a couple other of the current grid drivers and carried their sweet close knit friendship from childhood over to their adulthood. pierre had gone through a lot of loss similar to charles and elena with the deaths of jules as well as another good friend, anthoine hubert who was an f2 driver that died during the f2 feature race at spa-francorchamps during the f2 round in 2019. it was an emotional moment to see their best friend win his first ever race only for him to then dedicate that first win to anthoine. it was an emotional moment for everyone, not just for pierre, but for those who knew and loved anthoine.

the boyfriend and girlfriend had watched their best friend on the podium for his first ever win and to say it was an emotional affair was an understatement. seeing pierre get emotional and cry on that podium was heartwrenching. but it also reminded them that on this day, during this race, no one got hurt and no one lost their life in the same way anthoine had done last year at spa and jules had done on this day five years before in suzuka.

🥀

it was during the celebration party at one of milan's finest clubs that a lifechanging moment would happen just before the 17th of july 2020 switched to the 18th of july 2020. just before the clock could strike midnight, charles made his way up to the microphone where the dj paused the music he was playing and allowed the f1 driver to say his speech. no one really knew what was going on, especially elena, however it was clear when she looked at the other drivers that they had an idea of what was about to happen and no one seemed more excited than the race winner of the italian grand prix himself, mr pierre gasly. not even caring that the attention was being drawn away from him, he was just happy that a day that is filled with so much grief for his best friends was about to turn into a beautiful memory for the rest of their lives.

"...i am fully aware that this celebration party is for mr race winner of the italian grand prix, pierre gasly but, if i could please just steal the attention of everyone for one moment, that would be amazing, thank you..." charles started as elena's eyes widened in shock to see that her semi-sober boyfriend had taken the dj's microphone

just as she was to step forward to stop him, kika, pierre's girlfriend holds her arm out, stopping the girl from attempting to stop whatever it was that charles was about to do.

"...don't elena, just let him say what he has to say. it's clearly something important..." kika whispered, her arms wrapped around the back of elena as she nodded her head and relaxed

neither girl realising just how important kika's statement would be and what charles was about to do. the model hadn't realised that she had just foreshadowed charles' announcement

"...this day, the 17th of july is usually a day that is sad and full of grief for me and the bianchi family, this whole week is actually when i remember my papa as well. however, i no longer want this to be a day of sadness and grief. i want this to be a day of hope, joy and excitement in the same way the two families grew up in a happy, safe, hopeful home. because i had the pleasure to grow up with the bianchi's, it meant i was able to form a special bond with elena. the youngest of the bianchi family and i think i knew from the moment i met her and the moment i knew what the word love meant that i was crazy about her..." charles took in a deep breath as elena's breath caught in her throat as it suddenly dawned on her what charles was doing

"...elena alexandra bianchi, you are the love of my life, no one is denying that. you've been the love of my life for so long that it pains me to think there was a time in which after we went through all of these losses that you doubted that i loved you. and that's my fault for not trying harder to see you more than just on this same day every year since. and i know that's what i plan to do for the rest of my life, to love you so much that it takes away all the doubt and hurt i've knowingly and unknowingly put you through. whilst i've already asked for permission from your parents, there was always one other person that i dreamt of asking permission from to do this and it breaks my heart that i couldn't ask jules because i know just how much he adored being your older brother and watching the way the relationship between his baby sister and his godson grew over the years. whilst he may have been the start of taking charge of the ship that was trying to get the both of us to admit that we were in love with each other *tearful giggles* it truly was arthur that finished steering that ship. but, there is no doubt in the world to me that jules was the entire reason why i fell in love with you. and he is also the reason why i want to make you my wife *choked gasp*. elena alexandra bianchi, will you marry me and become elena alexandra leclerc for the rest of your living days?" charles was basically sobbing by the end of his speech as he rested on his knee, the ring a beautiful sapphire as elena nodded her head immediately

collapsing to her own knees, grasping charles' face to wipe away his tears, she didn't hesitate in kissing him and accepting his marriage proposal.

"oh, charlie! why wouldn't i marry you? i love you so much!" elena managed to choke out as tears started to well in her eyes as well

"i love you too, elena!" charles choked out in response as they shared a very sweet moment, their foreheads touching as they revelled in the silence that surrounded them

of course, after the engagement, elena and charles threw a party in congratulations about the new engagement and of course, many many photos were taken of the night. however, they first time they would see the light of day would be the next year when they were knee-deep in their wedding month. the photos of their engagement party posted a week before their big day. which, of course, they made sure was on the 17th of july 2021. of course, they were a little worried that because all of their relationship anniversaries were on the 17th of july that they were trying to take away the rememberance and memory of jules. however, christine and phillipe adored the idea that their daughter and soon-to-be son-in-law could make a sad and day full of grief into a day of happiness and love. especially when they had the joy and excitement of wedding planning now beginning, there was only room for joy and hope for the 17th of july to be filled with more happier memories even though jules would never be able to be apart of it or witness any of it.

fin (for now)

this was so much fun to write but it took forever! however, because i reached the block limit apparently, there is a part two so sorry that it just abruptly stopped but i had to! but part two shouldn't be as long nor take as long as this first part has!

©⠀amberjazmyn's original work. do not translate or steal any of my fics. 2024

[sunnyupsidedown]

Interesting

Word Count: Under 700

Pairing: KevIchi

Rating: General?

Summary: Ichirou officially meets Kevin at Riko's wake.

A/N: I haven't been this inspired to write for aftg since 2017 lol. Maybe I'll expand this one day, maybe I won't. This was also inspired by some post on twitter.

Some days Ichirou wished there were two of him. Despite training to take over his father’s empire since the day he was born and even more so when his health began to decline, Kengo simply died too soon leaving Ichirou in a precarious position. He worked endlessly to root out the problem players, slowly eliminating them one by one. At least Nathan was easy with his hubris being his main downfall. Riko, or more accurately, Tetsuji and his little side hobby was a bigger thorn in his side.

He didn’t actually care what the branch family did as long as it was done discreetly and any messes were cleaned up appropriately, but somehow here he was, wasting time at his brother’s funeral. But appearances were important, he reminded himself as he went through the motions of burying another one of his family members. If he had it his way, the whole affair would have been handled with an email.

Ichirou paced the hallway of his uncle’s home, finally escaping the wake and all of its formalities. His phone buzzed in his pocket. He checked the caller ID and ducked into a side room to take care of it. He almost turned around when he saw the room was already occupied. There was a white male, most likely American, sitting on the floor cradling his left hand. He looked to be too preoccupied with hyperventilating to notice him. Still, he answered his phone in soft Japanese and made his way to the other side of the room.

After the call, Ichirou’s head pounded. It was yet another major accounting mistake uncovered. Luckily, it was found fast enough that there were only minor repercussions if a 1.3 million dollar loss could be counted as such. He added ‘Eliminate the Johnson family’ onto his mental to-do list. They’ve been making these mistakes even before his father died and it’s about time someone did something about it.

The man was still curled up on the floor. He was quiet now, unmoving. Maybe he suffocated to death with his hyperventilating, Ichirou thought. A heavy sigh escaped his lips and he nudged the man with his foot to make sure there’s not yet another body to deal with.

The man uncurled just enough for Ichirou to see his eyes. They were red rimmed and puffy and very, very green. Like emeralds, he thought and then tossed away from his head. The man’s eyes widened before he scrambled up and bowed respectfully.

“My apologies Moriyama-sama,” the man said before straightening. “Condolences for the loss of your brother.”

So he knew who he was, but that was to be expected from his little brother’s play thing.

Kevin Day stood just an inch or two above him with dark hair falling into his face. The silly little ‘two’ was no longer there, replaced with an equally silly tree? Tower? Whatever. His mouth was set in a grim, uneasy line.

Ichirou took in the entirety of the man before him and lined it up with everything he knew about his situation. He’s gotten pretty good at it in the past few months, figuring out the probability of someone causing him problems. Everything about Kevin pointed towards ‘future problem’, starting with his mother’s ‘accident’ and ending with the fact that he’s no longer under Tetsuji. But there was something about Kevin that made him pause. He couldn’t quite figure it out, but he will. Figure it out. He would just have to have Kevin observed for a while.

“Between me and Riko,” Ichirou started and something stirred in his chest as he watched Kevin flinch at his brother’s name. “There’s no love lost.”

And because he was feeling bored with the whole ordeal he reached out and pulled Kevin down by his tie, leaning in to whisper in his ear. “I was the one who pulled the trigger.”

Ichirou let go of Kevin’s tie and left.

The silly tattoo on his face was a chess piece. A queen.

Interesting.

[medea10]

My Review of Rurouni Kenshin (2023)

If you grew up in the 1990s and early 2000s, chances are you’ve come across this title.

Rurouni Kenshin’s original anime aired in Japan from 1996-1998. It managed to make it out west with being licensed by Media Blasters and aired on Cartoon Network’s Toonami block in the early 2000s. With 95 episodes to its name, Rurouni Kenshin was pretty popular everywhere. In later years, a couple of OVA’s were released. One of them was a prequel that was never seen outside of the manga. The second one was a sequel to the main series that goes in a different route from the manga. And the third was a retelling of one of the series best moments.

And just laying it out there, yes, this series is sadly also known as “Samurai X”. I say “sadly” due to what was done to the series with that name. What with the bastardization of people’s names and what have you! The name of the series is Rurouni Kenshin. If you see that other name, turn around and don’t look back.

Now, does this series live up to the hype? Yes and no. While this was one of Japan’s most rewatched animes of all time, the series could have been better. Pretty much everything after what is known as the Kyoto Arc is seen as garbage to many. In some cases, they’re not wrong. It’s just a sea of fillers until the series ended in 1998. I guess some of the blame could be that they changed studio hands during the run of the original anime. Studio Deen has such a lousy reputation for messing with a good thing.

Case and point, Rozen Maiden 2013!

It’s just that when Kenshin gets into the swing of things, it’s a thrill to watch. So, having a retelling of the story and have it be faithful to the manga is welcoming for long-time fans and curious newbies.

Just. One. Thing. Though.

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM: Nobuhiro Watsuki is the creator of Rurouni Kenshin. Back in late 2017 while he was releasing more Rurouni Kenshin in manga form, it was discovered that he was in possession of child pornography. This news alone is an immediate red flag, drop everything, cancel this bro right stat now kind of thing. What happened was he was arrested, paid a fine, and went back to releasing his manga after a several-month hiatus.

Obviously, everything about the story is disgusting. I’m not sure how much child porn was removed from this man’s place but I feel like it was somewhere between what Jared Fogle had and a fuck-ton. And now every fan is having this moral dilemma of watching this anime if it’s supporting this man. When it comes to me, fuck yeah, I’m still watching it. Do you have any idea how many things I still watch where the original creator is a fuck-bucket? And don’t lie, you probably do the same. Ren and Stimpy, The Loud House, Rick & Morty, Earthworm Jim, all of these and more are the product of some sick ass-banana. Just keep that in mind before tossing stones. You all know who you are and you all aren’t squeaky clean in what you watch. None of us are.

In the end, it’s your call to make on watching this or reading anything else that comes from Watsuki. Certain companies have made their call already when it comes to Rurouni Kenshin. Weekly Shounen Jump still prints whatever Watsuki puts out. Viz Media however has put an end to the latest Rurouni Kenshin manga that’s been put out in the last few years, but has kept the original manga up.

OKAY, NOW LET’S ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT THE ANIME: I know it’s a lot to go over, I just felt it necessary to do the frank discussion before I talk about the anime. This anime is a full reboot. That means, it’ll be a different studio animating it, it will supposedly take after the manga instead of diverting into a different path like the original series, and yes, the cast will be different. Which cast? All of them!

Rurouni Kenshin goes like this. It has been well over a decade since the end of a brutal war. With the entering of the Meiji era, peace was assumed as weapons like swords are banned. Of course, that won’t stop people from killing. And the never-ending fight with the government can cause this peaceful time…it was never really peaceful. Kenshin Himura is a wandering rurouni. He carries with him a double-edged sword despite the sword ban law put in place. Prior to this moment, Kenshin was known as “Hitokiri Battosai”, a ruthless killer. But after certain events, Kenshin swears to never kill again.

One day, he meets a young girl named Kaoru Kamiya. She’s the owner of a dojo that specializes in a certain style. At first, she confronts Kenshin thinking he is the dreaded Hitokiri Battosai. Most of it was a misunderstanding because yes, Kenshin is that, but he’s not the one using the name in vain and using Kaoru’s fighting style. After several incidents between the characters, Kenshin decided to set up shop and stay with Kaoru at her dojo. Eventually, two other characters join along. Yahiko, an orphaned boy who is training to be a great swordsman one day. And Sano, who once served during the brutal war is now a bit of a drifter. But he’ll have Kenshin’s back when they’re in a battle.

BETWEEN THE NEW SUB AND THE NEW DUB…AND EVERYTHING ELSE: I’ve gone on in length about the dubs to Rurouni Kenshin in the past. Prior to the 2023 remake, there were a total of three English dubs. The first one was for the original television run featuring Richard Cansino, Dorothy Elias-Fahn, and Wendee Lee. This was dubbed by Media Blasters. The second one consisted of the OVA’s featuring folks like Shannon Weaver, Gray Haddock, and Katherine Catmull. These were dubbed by ADV films and later Sentai Filmworks. And as for the third dub, that would be Sony’s sad attempt at redubbing Rurouni Kenshin filled with bastard names, a bastard name title, and new voices.

In the beginning, I was hoping for the absolute best-case scenario when it came to an English dub for this retelling. When it comes to me, I will always pick the first dub and that is for one big freakin’ thing. Steven Blum voicing Makoto Shishio. That and I always thought Richard Cansino was the best Kenshin. I’ve already been disappointed when Sentai didn’t reunite the original cast when retelling the Kyoto Arc several years ago and that’s why my skepticism is in play here. Plus, I’m pretty sure some of the original dub cast has already retired from voice acting. Sadly, the original voice for Misao (Philece Sampler) passed away in 2021. Much to my dismay, there was a new cast alright. Who they are was the bigger question.

Crunchyroll dropped the episodes without warning three months after the premier and without stating who would be in the cast. That’s certainly out of character for them. They get chatty when showering the masses who is going to be in an English dub cast everywhere they can including all social media platforms. I would have chalked it up to the SAG-AFTRA strike. But then I remembered, Crunchyroll has a conniption when it comes to that certain union. Plus, it never stopped them before as they’ve been whoring other English lists that same week this dropped. So, the obvious reason has got to be fear of having the audience badger the cast for being in Rurouni Kenshin after what the creator did. Only Kenshin’s voice actor came forward a week after the actor’s strike. The rest, most of us had to guess. Except for Yahiko, he just sounded like an angrier Gon. So, it’s Erica Mendez.

Just so you know, Aniplex had a live festival with seiyuus promoting the shows they’re on back in September of 2023. And what do you know, Souma Saitou and Rie Takahashi were on stage promoting Rurouni Kenshin. Out and about, no one getting doxxed, threatened, hate-mailed, or anything of the sort. I have a few scattered thoughts here. First of all, if there’s any bad-mouthing of Rie Takahashi of any kind, you and I are going to have a problem. Second of all, American fan-bases are fucking toxic and would harass the voice actors relentlessly to the point of no return. And third, why couldn’t they just come up with some fake-ass alias names for the English cast? On the other hand, I’ve seen how people on social media has harassed voice actors over trivial bullshit and it’s only getting worse. So, I kinda understand why this happened.

As for the sub, yes, the voices here have changed. So, when I originally watched Rurouni Kenshin, I watched nearly everything dubbed. It wasn’t until much later when I stumbled upon the sub, I discovered that Kenshin was voiced by a woman. Now, I’m getting another case of whiplash as I’m getting used to hearing Kenshin having more of a manlier voice. With all of that said, here’s the cast of Rurouni Kenshin 2023!

JAPANESE CAST: *Kenshin is now played by Souma Saitou (known for Diavolo on Jojo’s Pt. 5, Yamaguchi on Haikyuu, Kain on Rinne, and Miyano on Sasaki to Miyano)

*Kaoru is now played by Rie Takahashi (known for Ai on Oshi no Ko, Megumin on Konosuba, Emilia on Re:Zero, Sumi on Rent-A-Girlfriend, Ena on Laid-Back Camp, Mash on Fate/Grand Order, and Tomo on Tomo-chan is a Girl)

*Yahiko is now played by Makoto Koichi (known for Elza on Interspecies Reviewers, Young Jun on Tomo-chan is a Girl, Sumika on Yuri is my Job, and Sakura on Lycoris Recoil)

*Sanosuke is now played by Taku Yashiro (known for Friede on Pokemon Horizons, Natsuo on Domestic Girlfriend, Kouichi on Horimiya, Vulcan on Fire Force, and Arai on Chainsaw Man)

ENGLISH CAST: *Kenshin is now played by Howard Wang (known for Piers on Pokemon Journeys, Anastasia on Jojo’s Pt. 6, Kokonoi on Tokyo Revengers, Atsushi on Lovely Complex, Goshiki on Haikyuu, and Chuusaku on Komi-san)

*Kaoru is now played by Risa Mei (known for Futaba on My Senpai is Annoying)

*Yahiko is now played by Erica Mendez (known for Gon on Hunter x Hunter, Haruka/Uranus on Sailor Moon [redub], Ryuko on Kill la Kill, Raphtalia on Shield Hero, Retsuko on Aggretsuko, and Megumin on Konosuba)

*Sanosuke is now played by Darius Johnson

SHIPPING: Can I delve into this topic without going off the deep end and bringing up spoilers?

No, not really. These spoilers are over 30 years old. Deal with it.

Kenshin x Kaoru is a ship that has set sailed into the sea. No matter how much sex appeal Megumi can throw at it! Trust me on the matter, it’s a signed deal. I know that it almost seems one-sided in these 24 episodes, but that’s how it is.

WHAT TO COVER: In a reboot, you’ve gotta see what this version kept and what they didn’t and if it’s all in the right part of the story. Of course, we get the stories everyone is used to with this series like Kaoru being duped by that old creep and the debuts of Sano and Yahiko. Near the halfway mark, we’re already introduced to Aoshi and watched Kenshin and Sano take on the drug lords that were using Megumi. There have been a couple of episodes dedicated to some familiar storylines like Sano’s old comrade and the young lad Yutarou who wound up on the wrong side of the blade. Meanwhile, I’m squirming around in my seat waiting to hear something from a certain awesome villain. I have made no secret to loving the Kyoto arc and its main villain, Makoto Shishio.

Come episode 19, I heard his name uttered and know that it’s coming up.

Wait a sec! There are only 5 episodes left in the season. If this studio dares to even cram the whole Kyoto arc in that short amount of time, I’m throwing this entire media out the window. There’s gotta be a second season. Even if it’s only like 12 episodes that covers the span of the Kyoto arc, it’s better than the worst-case scenario. Thankfully, they did not cram the entire Kyoto arc into an episode. No mad man would ever do…Studio Deen would do that.

Case and point, Rozen Maiden 2013!

I am now being informed that I have already insulted Studio Deen’s attempt with Rozen Maiden twice now in this review. Let me get back to what I was saying. Thank the great good lord those guys are not in charge of Rurouni Kenshin again.

Actually, two of these episodes were a flashback episode that was originally an extra chapter to the manga. And if you’re wondering if this flashback episode contains Kenshin back when he was the legendary manslayer, it does not. It’s a story of Kenshin a couple of months prior to meeting Kaoru and the rest. For Kenshin’s past…just watch the OVA’s from 30 years ago.

The final episodes of the season set the stage up for the Kyoto arc with the introduction to Hajime Saito. Ten years prior, he was a bit of a rival to Kenshin back when he was the noted manslayer. Now, Hajime is part of the Shinsengumi. Kenshin and Hajime end up facing off like back in the day and he wound up reverting back to his manslayer mode.

Apparently, Kenshin can turn off that mode with a punch in the face.

As one does! The last time Kenshin was in that mode was when Kaoru was kidnapped earlier in the series. This time, Kaoru’s voice had no effect. This moment leads to Kenshin’s crucial decision at the end of the season. After the spar, he is confronted by Okubo Toshimichi, the man who has been trying to make the Meiji era a more peaceful time. He asks Kenshin for help of taking out a certain someone. Yes, it’s Makoto Shishio. Also known as, the man who just won’t die. Case and point, he’s been stabbed, knocked unconscious, and even set on fire. He’s still standing! Hell, he’s even known as the new Hitokiri Battosai manslayer. Kenshin gave this a lot of thought as he wants to remain peaceful and never kill again. Unfortunately, he’s given no choice when Okubo…well, he…

He fucked around and found out!

One of Shishio’s commrades (Soujiro Seta) murdered Okubo and sent a stark warning to Kenshin about going forward with anything brash. Kenshin truly wants for a peaceful nation and doesn’t want to kill again. In the final moments, we see him have a few precious moments with Kaoru before proceeding to leave her.

DON’T CRY, FANS! HE AIN’T GONE FOREVER! But a season two must, must, must, must, MUST COME!

Thankfully, two days after the finale we get the announcement that Rurouni Kenshin is indeed getting a sequel in 2024. Unknown to when in 2024, if the same studio will be doing it, how many episodes it’s going to be, or if Steven Blum is going to return as the voice of Shishio. Seeing as NO ONE from the original English cast has returned to do this project, I’ll shut up about it...

For now.

Was this a great reboot? That’s your call to make. For me, it’s too early to tell as there’s only been 24 episodes and none of them are the classic Kyoto arc. It’s too preliminary to call it a masterpiece or trash. Manga readers are somewhat split as they will always find fault with everything. Not every anime adaptation is going to do everything by the book and that’s their conniption. I read the manga too and I wasn’t picky about the adaptation. It’s not like they skipped 50 chapters and went right into unknown territory.

And before you say, “Oh, there goes Medea again bashing Rozen Maiden 2013”. NO! I was actually poking at The Promised Neverland this time.

Thankfully, Rurouni Kenshin was done well. The art was beautiful. LIDENFILMS did a spectacular job. If you’re not familiar with the studio, they have recently done Call of the Night and Tokyo Revengers. The music was great. Every opening and ending were bangers. Reol was the real stand-out star in that department. They kept the language Kenshin uses when he speaks, that they did. I’m satisfied. I know more fans would want to see some more footage of Kenshin back when he was the notorious Battosai. I’m just going to say to be patient. You’ll see some stuff soon enough. And if you’re an impatient fuck, the OVA’s are around. Trust & Betrayal will give you what you want.

Can I recommend this? Not without having a giant elephant sitting on my shoulders.

For now, Crunchyroll has Rurouni Kenshin 2023 available for streaming.

Now then, for those who are looking for the original series, OVA, and even the live-action movies, here’s where to find them.

The original 96-episode series is currently on Hulu. The recent live-action movies are currently available on Netflix. All of the OVA’s (Trust & Betrayal, Reflections, and Kyoto-arc retelling), I can’t seem to find them streaming wise. Also, unsure if the hard copies are out of print or not.