#this was a study of a pose I saw on Pinterest that got way out of hand

[body-of-crisis]

Sparks are flying

[chibishortdeath]

Simon derangement page number um I lost count!!! Time to explain things and transcribe my handwriting lol >:3

I put a photo of the whole page here because some things were hard to single out into separate images :)

A pose study! I was trying to work on foreshortening with that arm position. Just imagine that he’s talking to someone off screen and sweating cause he’s been working out or something d(^^ )

Two of these are based on some reaction image doodles I ran into on Pinterest that I’m pretty certain originated on tumblr lol. The bottom left one says “*realization*” and the top right one says “deranged —>” with the arrow pointing to our Mr. Deranged in question, Simon. The Simon and Richter one is kinda poking fun at the general Smash Bros fandom depiction of them and is also based on a doodle I saw on Pinterest.

Bottom left says “he has 97 mental illnesses and is banned from most public spaces” lol. Dw! He is your friend! I just forgot to write that part :). I hope the tbh creature doodle is appreciated, I’ve drawn him like that more times than I’d like to admit—

This one is based on a photo of this guy (gotta be a Snapchat one idk I’ve never had Snapchat) with a monster energy and caption “KILL”. I think it fits the vibe.

Bottom left says “monsert!”, a silly bastardizarion of “monster”, again the energy drink. I feel like Simon would be the kind of guy to have caffeine at like 6PM and then wonder why he can’t sleep later lmao. Or worse have caffeine to avoid sleeping 💀. The other two doodles I drew because I woke up one morning and immediately imagined Simon with raccoon stripe hair for no reason.

This one is based on a tumblr post, it says “(Simon) the psychiatrist diagnosed me with divine madness” “(Christopher) any other diagnosises you’d like to share?” “(Simon) Autism”. That ending panel of Simon saying autism ended up a sticker in a discord server I’m in lmaooooo. Also I need to have more Simon and Christopher interactions cause I think they’d be friends aaaaa

The top doodle is based on a Simon MMD model I found of him as a Vocaloid and I thought that was hilarious and banger, we need more people making fun crossover stuff like that in the world lol. The bottom one is just him vibin(?). Idk he seems pretty distressed, but that’s his usual state so uh—

Another little pose doodle. I think his preferred sitting position is like criss cross applesauce on the floor. I don’t think he’d sit normally in chairs at all. I am now picturing him leaning a chair back too far help 💀.

This one is based on this meme that’s kinda poking fun at the art styles commonly found in yaoi with the last one being left blank for putting whatever you like there and implying in a comedic way that it’s ‘straight man yaoi’, I’ve seen ones with things like football players or idk Breaking Bad put there lol. Basically I saw the meme and realized that all the different styles kinda lined up too well with some Simon designs and well yeah this happened 💀💀💀. So we got Ayami Kojima’s design as “straight woman yaoi”, the NES cover art/X68000 as “gay man yaoi”, Simon’s Quest as “lesbian yaoi”, and Captain N thrown into “straight man yaoi” lmaooo.

Okie that’s all for this one, I will make more inevitably lol

[cynopoe]

heyyy idk if you remember but I once asked u about your inspiration/how you learned anatomy/draw etc. and I wanted to ask if you have answered that already. ofc you don't have to (you don't have to answer this one either, if you don't I'll just assume you didn't) ig you posted stg about not having time etc to reply and again: i love your art

Hey! I distinctly remember something like that although I don’t think I answered. And I can’t find it in my inbox either. Either I responded it and it got lost in the void or I might have deleted the ask when I was cleaning the box from all the porn bots. Either way I’m sorry for losing your ask 🥲

I will answer it now

I started drawing digitally when I was 15 on an old wacom tablet. I didn’t stop doing traditional stuff until I bought an ipad and got lazy with the endless options it offered me. I still use the ipad with procreate and CSP interchangeably. In my experience Procreate has a better coloring tools be it the colors itself or the brushes, the editing tools. Blending modes are, in my opinion, slightly better than CSP. and CSP inspires me to do more sketches and comic style stuff. I recommend them both.

What I will say now will stay between you and me. Alright? I learned doing anatomy from drawing filthy, filthy pornography. I wasn’t any good at it in the beginning, but honestly it is the best way to learn it, in my experience. I developed so fast when I was doing nsfw art. A lot faster than if I had only been drawing normal stuff. Many of those drawings will never see the face of day, but they’re there. And they helped me a lot.

Other than that I also recommend studying real life. Try to understand where body parts start and where they end. Try to study the “line of action”. Try to remind yourself a body is a 3d form. Foreshortening helps, although I’m not the biggest fan of it. Trace photographs- and I’m not saying like go over like by like. Study photographs. There are many reference pictures online. I often find mine on pinterest.

Redrawing one pose over and over again until you can do it with close eyes, helps, and will drive you up a wall. You will want to break your pencil. But it will help. Compare what you draw with the reference picture. Remember to flip the canvas often. Our eyes get used to our art, good parts and the mistakes.

Sleep on a pose if you can’t get it just right. Your eyes will be kinder to you in the next day.

Yeah using references and being very mindful of them will help you a lot. There are some youtube tutorials. This streamer has been my favorite lately.

About finding inspiration… I’m sorry I can’t help you much with this one. You see, I’ve lost mine and I have been looking for it for a year now. Idk. Get unnaturally obsessed with a media? Get into a moderately large fandom? Have some people around you to keep your interest alive? Idk I haven’t been active in any fandom in years. But when I was, I saw that social interaction of it helped me to stay motivated to create.

Keep your mind sharp: read, study, interact with anything out of your comfort zone. In my personal experience, keeping in my walls never really gives me that rush, that eureka of inspiration. I often get this desire to create when my mind is active. I don’t know if it will be the same for you though.

Thank you for this ask! And thank you for being incredibly patient. I’m sorry again for losing your ask before. I hope I could help even a little 🖤 stay creative, friend.

[3-aem]

im so sorry you got hate :(

sending you free hugs if that’s okay! your art is the most fascinating I’ve seen, I’m serious. the strokes? the colours? i am deeply in love. you are amazing.

Thank you. This means a lot to hear rn.

EDIT 3. Since I felt peeved that someone was asking me to delete an old piece i actually did reach out to one of the artists (cannot currently figure out a way to contact the other). Permission was granted to keep it up.

I'm going to use this as an informal address of the issue if you do not mind. And i may delete it later.

Firstly i want it all to slide. I'm not a person who handles drama very well and I think I've already been made out to be some villain for some folks. I think there's already too much stink in the air but I'm here only to defend myself up to a line. This is long because I want to try and leave no stone unturned and cover all spots.

Skip to the bolded HERE for my direct address to that artist (skip my defense)

I do art for enjoyment. I enjoy when I learn. A crucial step for me has been learning from other artists. When I enjoy an artist or heavily reference their work I will call them out, credit them to the best of my ability. This is a track record you can observe. When I do not it's often because the reference is not exact, there reference was some generic pinterest pose/stock image esque/magazine esque photo, reverse image search and saucenao returned no hits (usually this means I am forced to link the pinterest instead).

I don't believe pose theft, pallette theft, concept theft is a thing, I think it's a form of gatekeeping and elitism but I will concede it can be a courtesy to call it out at will. Yet there are people who literally draw mannequin poses for share. If it inspires it inspires. I will not heavily debate this as I understand every artist feels differently about it but anyone in art understands implicitly the value of studying other art. Which is why I found that artist to be acting rather maliciously (*).

I know everything I've said thus far gets bungled when I start selling pieces and suddenly it appears I have a monetary incentive. Art does not pay my bills. The store is more so people who kept asking for those prints can get them. And I feel silly admitting this, but I only use the store promos on twitter to promo my piece (like on the timeline). It's a tactic I saw other artists using and i was like oh don't mind if i do too. It hurts my pride to admit. I do not make as much as anyone thinks I make and many Many prints do not sell. Inprnt takes half the earnings.

I personally upload almost every single piece so that I may purchase them or give them to friends. You will notice I do not have every single piece for public sale on store. There was an incident where a piece i did not intend to sell publicly was not rearchived and I failed to notice. I have a number of pieces up. The color schemes in a couple are very similar. Things get overlooked when you are not deliberately looking. Only two copies were sold during this time and if I had the option of knowing who bought it and how to issue a refund I would. I don't. I am sorry. This should not happen again.

HERE(*) I now want to address the way that artist framed their post and follow up discussions. First i take tremendous issue with the "big g*jo artist" lingo. My numbers do not dictate where i am as an artist and it is Absurdly infantile to think that bigger numbers means more mature, more seasoned, peak performance artist. I have worked years to get to where i am, and I am still working. I've complained about this. I've talked about this at length here on tumblr, how I get frustrated when I find myself stagnating skill wise, regressing. I don't understand how the thread could be so lost that this artist thinks I have made myself as an artist solely on a select few referenced pieces and that my goal is purely socmed growth.

Next, there's an impression that I blocked the artist on first contact. I did not. There was a full discussion where I brought up many similar arguments and when it reached the point where I no longer felt like any meaningful discussion could be had i made it clear I would be blocking but no hard feelings. It became clear at the end that the artist was truly just pressuring me to delete a couple Old pieces for what I assume was their own pleasure and to satisfy their righteous indignation. I did not and do not want to play that game.

Now the credit issue. There is a belief that I chose to issue credit on two pieces using a burner acct because i did not want that credit to be seen. As I mentioned these posts were old, specifically by 2 months. I post a lot. I have grown a lot in that time. There's a belief I don't feel shame for doing a poor credit job. I do. I feel tremendous guilt. I did not want those Pieces Themselves to be seen even if I refuse to delete (out of spite) If I had used my main art acct to reply there would be no doubt that those pieces would have be replaced onto the timeline and seen new traction, which would very much Not be the desired outcome. Was this the perfect solution, No. The perfect solution would be for me to have gotten the credit right the first time or update my standards for crediting to include the exceptions i listed at the start. The first part which I suspect is what is really being asked, is simply not possible though.

I apologize for those who may feel hurt re those two pieces. I mentioned this in my conversation with the artist that it was Not my intention to discredit, profit or hurt anyone. Obviously they left this out when they plainly said I blocked them and then liked a follow up comment that called me a coward.

This has been long. Thank you if you read all this. I will work to ensure nothing like this happens again.

[hypherr]

Hi, I am contacting you because I saw you mentioned somewhere that you have adhd, and I was wondering how did you still reached such incredible level. I have adhd too, and drawing has always been my passion also. But despite a whole life of practice, and doodling almost all the time, I always had a very hard time to understand anatomy and other technics, and because of adhd, I can’t focus neither motivate myself consistently to learn technics. I am also very inconsistent to draw proper illustrations, and also struggle to get things finished. Because of this, I have the feeling that I will never improve, and I gave up my life dream to become an illustrator. So, I was wondering how did you reached such incredible level despite of adhd difficulties, and if you had some helpful tips. Best regards.

Hey dude! Yeah, I can totally give you some tips that worked for me up until I got medicated :D I know a LOT of folks have to deal with ADHD, so I’m more than happy to try and give you some advice. 

I will preface that I tend to hyperfixate on things like drawing, so I put 200% effort into learning about it and I enjoy trying new methods of painting/drawing/whatever else. It’s still moreso reliant on the individual artist, but the below list is what I do and have done that kept me going:

Make studying into something that is interesting. By that I mean you don’t have to simply draw/study a pose for life drawing, you can make it interesting by drawing a character in that pose/doing that action so that it becomes something you’re more invested in instead of something you’re doing to just get better. I usually draw my OCs in the poses that I’m studying from pinterest or whatever, and it makes the process a lot more fun -

Do what YOU want, not what others say you should do. Not every style or process is for everyone. Stick with what interests you and it’ll make your ADHD brain happier. Getting trapped into the idea of “Oh, I should be good at line art” or “Oh, I should be really good at drawing in X style” when you’re not really interested in either of those things will bore you to no end. Personally, I settled with the fact that I don’t have patience for line art, I loathe using opaque brushes, and I despise having a million layers on my paintings. SO, I don’t do a line art pass; I just clean up my sketch layer which becomes my line art, I don’t use opaque brushes, and I keep my layers really limited. My way of drawing and painting is kinda unorthodox and I always have to explain it to clients when I send WIPs (I’m srs the way I work confuses ppl, especially non-artists lol), but the end result is always what they hired me for, so there are no complaints. Plus, I am MUCH comfier drawing and painting in my own “unique” way, and they’re cool with that. **NOTE: I still recommend checking out tutorials and such, but don’t feel like the artist who created the tutorial is god and that you must follow their teachings to a T. Ex. I love the artist kawanocy, and I have some Patreon stuff from him. His art process is too slow and clinical for me personally, but I still take bits and pieces from his teachings to incorporate them into my own workflow/my own art hacks. -

Only study when you want to. Naturally this doesn’t apply to you being in school for art (sometimes u gotta cry and just study away for an assignment), but if you’re not in the mood for drawing/studying, just don’t do it. It’s fine to take some time off!! I’ve had periods of months w/o drawing, especially during summer when I was in Uni. Sometimes you need to wait for inspiration to find u again -

Study from artists you admire and it won’t feel like studying.  FIRSTLY do not steal from artists you admire, just study their work. It is fine to trace AS LONG AS YOU DO NOT POST IT AND/OR CLAIM IT AS YOUR OWN WORK. DO NOT DO THAT. I REPEAT, DO NOT CLAIM TRACED WORK AS YOUR OWN WORK. IT IS NOT YOUR OWN WORK. IF YOU POST TRACED WORK, YOU ARE STEALING ARTWORK AND BEING DISGRACEFUL AND DISRESPECTFUL TO THE ARTIST. Tracing is fine for STUDYING ONLY because your hand follows the path of the original artist’s hand and you get a literal feel for how they work and where their pen goes. I don’t rlly do this anymore, but I used to, esp when I wanted to do some low-brainpower studying.  The main point of #4 tho is to not be shy abt taking bits of ppl’s style and using it for yourself. Ex: I really really REALLY admire the art of  @/xafeelgood on instagram. I am particularly in love with the way they draw bodies and faces. @/chenbearpig on insta has an amazing style too, and I love love LOVE the way he paints. @/kawanocy has a very beautiful rendering style, and his lighting is v dramatic and impactful.  Obvi there are more ppl I admire than just those 3, but those were a lot of my inspirations with art when I was in uni, and they helped shape my style and made me excited to keep pursuing art and trying their styles/painting methods. You have to find artists who make you excited to keep going, and just study their art a bit, or watch a speedpaint to see how they make such glorious art. It is really fun and I always enjoy trying to breakdown how they do their art stuffs so that I can try and do smth similar!! -

Don’t give a fuck about how fast other people draw, how good other people are compared to you, or your follower count. The most helpful thing I told myself this year that has sent my career and drawing/painting ability into the next level is, “I don’t care.” So what if other people are better than me? So what if I’m not the greatest artist ever? I’m still good. I’m still getting paid. I’m loving art again. I’m still trying hard. I’m just not getting that worked up abt art anymore. It’s HARD to not give a fuck, I know that, but it’s only art. It’s really not that serious. It’s not life or death. You’re just here to have a good time and work towards getting better at illustration/drawing/whatever, yeah? It’s so cheesy, but we all have our own paths to take to get to where we want to go. I have died inside realizing that people who are like 16 are 100x better than me already. I used to feel like shit and like my progress didn’t mean anything compared to how amazing other people are, but now? I just don’t care. I’m doing my own thing and I’m vibing and enjoying my drawing time, and that is all I can hope for!!

That is all I can think of right now u3u I guess a final note to leave off on is that all of these tips probably won’t 100% work for you, and that’s totally cool. Again, it’s highly dependent on the individual, but I still hope some of these thoughts and suggestions can help you find ways to make drawing fun and interesting for you. 

I hope you keep drawing and illustrating, my dude u7u that is the best way to keep getting better

[garyfischy]

regardless of what mediums you wanna use how you wanna draw ever heres what you need to do

-if youre a cartoonist be very specific with anatomy studies. if youre gonna stick to really stylized cartoony shit then keep anatomy studying to just basic forms, joints etc and focus on figure drawing. id reccomend 'figure drawing methods for artists' but for fucks sake just go on youtube, watch a couple videos they all say the same thing anyways. as long as you're not getting blatantly incorrect info from a guy that doesn't actually know how things work and cuts corners. it's better to sweat and bleed learning how to draw basic forms like the torso and pelvis than do what i did (go through as many shortcut pinterest guides as possible, develop a flawed and stiff understanding of anatomy, use it as a crutch) .

but yeah figure drawing is useful because learning how to set characters up in different poses and composition are useful. for every cartoonist!

-2... i ran out of points to make. Think about artists you like, you don't even have to make long rambly analyses , just jot down why you like their art and what appeals about them to you. anything from that vintage mustang poster you saw the other day, to a 'fine art' artist you'd see in a museum to your favorite blog

3: study practically.

read artbooks, look at tutorials online, watch youtube tutorials from a variety of sources: but remember, regular practice is the goal here. don't get too hooked on watching tutorials or studying and just go outside and draw a little. try and apply those skills bit by bit.

4 here are my (amateur guy that draws online and isn't going to art school)'s random advice bits

supplies i think are a godsend no matter what: one really good pencil. doesn't matter what kind it is. i got fancy ones but in all honesty light or dark you just need one that feels comfortable to write and draw with. practice those artist grips! consciously think about lines: do i want thick or thin lines? and what can I do to change it? Are my lines unsteady? and am I unhappy with that? sure, then try a different grip, or see if a thicker, more bulky pencil works! but hey, i'm just some guy on the internet telling you to do things.

ironically, even as I wax poetic about how fun it is to collect wood/mechanical pencils, my favorite thing to draw with is a #2 pencil.

I could go on and on about art supplies and practical applications but all I can say is if you really like something, splurge on it and if you're not sure about it get cheap ones. It's not really about the subtle intricacies of each medium but if you even like it in the first place. Cheap vs expensive watercolors aren't gonna matter if you don't LIKE using watercolors.

..that being said I think color pencils are the exception to this as each brand varies in quality regardless of price.

here are some artbook reccomendations to finish off this jumbled, disjointed and haphazardly written post

-Sketching People by Lynne Chapman: I tend to lean towards the more practical when it comes to any advice. something that really boils down the way you do something and why to its core. This book is really good for that.

-Figure Drawing Methods for Artists by Peter Boerboom and Tim Proetel: it's a really fun exercise book.

-Space Drawing and Perspective by Superani: once again, practical, well translated , and really fun to do. Don't get superani's anatomy book though it's racist and pervy as fuck

-and so many more that I can't even list here. Just go to your local library and open up one of these babies, grab a sheet of paper, and just jot anything down that seems interesting to you. Capiche?

[swiminthunder]

I did this as a trade for a character w/ @/kuy on TH and I'm pretty happy with the character I got in return which I'll hopefully show soon if I'm not too caught up in my own web of art of my character hoard

So first up is gonna be how I drew Chocolate Kiss :3 I knew I was gonna draw a fullbody and the instant I saw Chocolate Kiss, I just knew I was gonna draw something soft with flowers and stuff, so I looked about online (was not happy with the Unsplash search results for what I wanted) and found this lovely picture (I tried to find the origin but ended at chasingdaisiesblog.com). I liked the sunset and wanted to work on my tone matching for environments and whatnot, which having a field vs a studio definitely helped that practice lol Anyway, I did realize that the specific lighting on this bub isn't exactly accurate to how a subject in that scene would look but it does look pretty and that's all that matters. Plus I added lil fireflies kinda thing bc pretty. This is prolly one of my fav pieces this year lol

Next up - Merlin! So this was a headshot and I started with a half body because I was trying to plot out the hands before cropping it up to a bust shot. In Merlin's bio, it said he is the lead singer in a band, and while I was plotting out the other drawing, I had initially thought of drawing him with a moody microphone on stage but I figured that is too typical of an approach. When I began his sketch, I searched references for studios and just traced over a microphone (there's no way in hell you're gonna make me draw a studio mic on my own w/o it lookin hella wonky). The pose just felt natural and I didn't use much reference aside from like 3 pictures of my own hands just to draw his right hand lol The lighting- I saw a post on Pinterest of someone suggesting warm shadows and cool lighting. I used to use this kind of thing all the time like 2 years ago, but I switched to warm all around or cool all around to study lighting better for the past year, but goin back to that felt funny and I feel set a pretty good studio tone for the most part. Ngl, I'm not /as/ happy abt this one, but I think my feelings on em even out because of my first drawing.

In any case, that's my thought processes for these two pieces. If y'all wanna keep seein me write out my thought processes, maybe reblog or leave a comment. If ya got any questions or art requests (like "draw Miku Hatsune!" or smth like that) then comment that for sure.

If you want your OC drawn, commissions are currently open - just DM me and I will eventually see it. Commissions are 50% off rn until New Years (quick price list for colored- $5 Headshot $10 Half-body $20 Full-body). Make sure to follow for more art, whether it be from me or my fellow artists here. I'm still new so if ur an artist here and follow me then I'll follow back and probbly reblog ur art when I am on this app. Yep, have a good one y'all

[scarletxwinter]

These are some of my drawings as I have this new Marvelsona personnel figure.

DON’T JUDGE , I’M NOT A GOOD DRAWER WITH GOOD TECHNIQUES DETAILS. JUST AN FYI, like adding cartoon wrinkles, or the smallest details.

I took drawing class before in high school, but all my drawings details could never improve properly, I try learning more on blending techniques, shadow teechniques, and it’s quite hard to do it on an iPad tablet with Adobe Draw or another program that was free.

I at least have one or two drawings I made on paper I like, but it did not involve people. I kind of use a cheat sheet by using made poses structure from Pinterest. I could never get the shape of the shoulders, hands, thighs, and fingers right. Even using a diagram didn’t help me sketch out the body positions which makes the person have an awkward stance or uneven skin tone color.

Anyways, I’ve been drawing this marvelsona character for like months now. I just notice she became my favorite character I created. I even write short series stories (on another app where you can have notes) about her into the MCU.

Her name is: Madisyn Hunter

Her powers/abilities: Aura Manipulation is where the blue energy wisp surrounded her. She can only control some sort of basic elements to it (Go online and search it, it’ll give you details of what the power can involve into). Since we’re basing this in MCU, I’m not going to make her “too” overpowered.

She probably can match her abilities to Wanda Maximoff.

How she got her powers?

So maybe close to Wanda and Pietro. She had her powers WAY before they did, even before Tony Stark was Iron Man. Her mother was sick, her father was working for HYDRA of an inactive secret base to hide away from SHIELD. The Tessaract (The Space Stone, I did not know what stone to pick, so I picked the Space stone because the Mind Stone didn’t appeared until Avengers when Loki came down, but actually revealing the Stone was the end credit of Winter Soldier) was last scene was in Captain America: The First Avenger.

Where Howard Stark found it in the ocean while looking for Steve. I decided to make it some how fall in between where her father WAS working underneath S.H.I.E.L.D and stole the tesseract. Had it for years until Madisyn was born, around the age of 5, her mother was very ill. Her father was achieving a machine they planned to build as it took years to accomplish this machinery (since there was very little workers). Her father was a work maniac, abusive in his work as well. They needed a test study, an animal wouldn’t do, they needed an innocent person to have the nobility of this “new power source”. Her father had Madisyn with him that day as Madisyn was in another room playing with her toys. He decided to have her in the experiment, which Madisyn did not obeyed at first. She objected the idea and tried to run, but she was dragged by her father as he was really committed in doing this without a second thought. He threw his own daughter into the chamber cell as scientists were hooking up the wires that were linked with the Tessaract through the machine and fired up. S.H.I.E.L.D as well arrive to the scenery by the time the machine malfunction.

This caused an abnormal radiation blast killing all the workers in the building including Madisyn’s father. Except Madisyn. She was woken up, fine, no cuts and bruises, but surrounded by a burnt up room as if a grenade blew up in the entire building. Nick Fury came in and saw the young poor girl who was deflensless and horrified to what just happen. That’s where she started to train for S.H.I.E.L.D, but of course Fury has a small heart for the child as he had Clint Barton & Natasha Romanoff (at that time, I guessing they are highly skill assassins, but I Nat was still partially new to the agency) to train Madisyn, but have Clint to raise her as a normal child with a normal childhood. Nick as well claim back the Tessaract to where it leads in the opening scene of Avengers.

I probably make a separate account for the arts stuff of Madisyn and make cute little short story docs about her.

Her Alias?

I believe there is already a Marvel Character Wil-Ó-The-Wisp taken, but the name suits her very well. So her alias name is Wil-ó-The-Wisp, people just call her Madisyn on the battlefield as she does not have a mask that hides her identity as she believes having to hide is useless as she was use to it for half of her life.

But Tony Stark calls her, Wispy.

Direct account for Madisyn art & short stories —> @wil-o-wispymadi

[heauxlycoitus]

“A man created the first camera in order to capture the beauty and essence of the woman and the female form. I’m just going back to the original intent of the camera.”

~Ferdinand the Photographer~

I think one of the main struggles I have in releasing my sexual goddess is overcoming the idea that my body isn’t wrong. It’s not a barrier. Nor is it a stumbling block. It’s actually art. I am art. And I wanted–craved–the opportunity for my body to be seen from the eye of an artist. I remember walking through the Louvre Museum in Paris almost 2 years ago and thinking that I could be them if my body wasn’t wrong. There were countless statues and paintings of women and they were beautiful. I was just wrong. But deep down, I had hope that maybe the way I saw my body was wrong and not my body itself. I wanted to be incorrect about my body thesis, but didn’t know how to adjust it or throw it away altogether. I wanted to see something different. I knew I had to see it to believe it to change it this time. I needed empirical evidence in order to change my mind about the body I tow around. Someone needed to help me on this journey and help free me of my inner shame and virgin trauma.

So I was minding my own business and decided to start swiping. I usually swipe right on the white ones, most of the Black ones, all the pilots. This one caught my eye cuz he just looked hella regular, but also like he had an inner spice to him. Something about the button-up, tucked in shirt with brown belt made me think that there was more to him than met my eye. Totally like the trash-ass book 50 Shades of Grey. I liked it and I was intrigued. I make my best and worst life decisions when intrigued.

Ding! He immediately writes back. What a change. He was friendly with several exclamation points, exuding a non-asshole temperament, shared that he’s not interested or looking for a relationship, but he’s an erotic nude photographer and would like to take photos of me.

Me: Well, why the hell not!

We meet in his hotel. Because of the Coronavirus, we had to register me at the hotel. I was worried they wouldn’t let me in! Front Desk guy asks what I’m here for and my Tinder Photographer says, “Oh, she’s only going to be here for one or two hours.”

OMG! The whole front desk thinks I’m a prostitute! How embarrassing. I just stare back in my “Well, what he said” face cuz I’m working on not needing to prove my self or ethic to folks that don’t matter.

We go up to the ninth floor. I wonder about what kind of small talk to make in an elevator when you’re about to be very naked in less than 5 minutes. I guess the weather is a suitable topic.

Cloudy.

As soon as I walk in, I scan for sketch things like cameras, odd odors, drugs, copious amounts of alcohol, blood stains. I’d really rather this not be my last day on earth. Also, my first nude photo shoot left me traumatized, but that’ll be saved for another blog entry.

Ferdinand rushes in and starts moving furniture frantically and with intention. I’m standing there for 2.5 seconds like, “Oh. I guess this is when I take my clothes off…” As he scoots around and checks lighting and makes his plan for the photo shoot, I disrobe and unleash my floppy boobs. When I uncupped my breasts, I thought he would quit what he was doing and lick his lips or something. He didn’t. I slowly took off my undershorts and thought maybe this would be the time for him to be annoying and borderline gross–make a gesture or remark of my pubic hair or use his spidey-sense or fingers to check my wetness. Ferdinand never stares at me like I’m a piece of meat ready to be demolished. I was butt ass naked but still shrouded in my dignity somehow.

As discussed before, all photos were to be taken on my iPhone 7. I didn’t really know how good the photos would be cuz I’m 3 generations behind and only know how to do regular shit on my phone. I hand it over and he starts snapping. I could hear the dull tapping that a phone makes when someone presses the screen to take a photo. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary and I thought they were just regular pictures. I really really hope this isn’t going to be a waste of my time. Cuz I mean, I am a bit obsessed with nude photography and have high standards for this art form. But also, maybe he’ll do suck photos and then ask for a fuck later as a thank you. I was prepared for suck pictures, a fuck, and a lip-lick throughout as icing on the cake.

A bit lost at first, I just stand there. I don’t do well exposed or dancing. I need specific instructions. The whole free idea really stresses me out cuz it’s just too many choices and I get overwhelmed. He gives no instructions at first. In my head I’m like, “Lemme just put my forearm on the window ledge and look contemplative at the clouds.” I saw that on Pinterest once and it looked nice. That was my first pose before Ferdinand started giving me directions.

Sit here. Stand. One leg up. Cross your leg. Lean back. Lean forward on your knee. Let’s move this chair. Oh the natural lighting is going away. Face the window. Hands up. Arch your back. Open your legs wider.

Spread your lips.

More.

We took photos next to the window. Sitting on the ottoman. On the floor. In the corner. In the bathtub. Shower. Legs up. Legs out. Breasts covered. Breasts hanging. Clit peeking out.

It was intense. We take a break and he shows me the pictures and I almost burst into tears. I’m not wrong. I’m art. I look like I was made on purpose. By design. Not a single centimeter out of order. My breasts and thighs and hips, buttocks and back chub and belly pudge and knees and ankles and neckline, arm crease and wrists and fingernails made sense. My pubic hair framed my lips which framed my clit. How had I not seen this before?

Speechless. I made myself speechless.

We make a plan for the rest of our time together. He asked about what other poses and focus areas. I tell him that when I get nervous I do this stupid grin that I hate and it ruins photos. I look for the stupid grin and ask him to do those ones again. I want more of my nipples and areolas. My collarbone cuz it’s my favorite. More next to the brown hallway cuz I think it’s a nice contrast to my skin tone. He wants to try a tiny complimentary hotel red and yellow apple next to my clitoris.

In the middle of Part 2, he gets a phone call from the front desk. He sounds patient answering their questions. I stretch my back with my fingers gracing the floor. I hear that same dull tapping as he snaps a few photos. The lighting is great. Those were a couple of my favorite shots. That’s when I started to get aroused. I couldn’t help myself. My cheeks were getting rosy and my clitoris started to swell. I felt seen like a masterpiece in Madrid.

He gets off the phone and tells me to stay in that position–back arched, toes and fingers touching opposite floor ends. A lazy rainbow assisted by an ottoman if you will. He says he wants to take pictures of my mons pubis. OH LORD JESUS IS THIS BIOLOGY CLASS??!!! What in the world is a..then he inches closer to my v-line and I’m like, “Ooohhhh, well why did he just say the front hair part!” I totally forgot that it had a name. He knew the name. Other men I’ve slept with don’t even know the names of female anatomy–calling lips my vagina and shit. Ferdinand knew the woman’s body intimately without fucking me all because he had studied many and observed them through so many lenses over the years. I get more aroused.

He then says we need to do some pictures that exude **he pauses and thinks** pleasure. By now, I’m trying not to be breathless. I’m ovulating so I’m pretty moist already. It doesn’t take much. He places me near the bed lamp and says to touch myself.

Masturbate with an audience of one. Got it.

I slip my fingers between my lips and lost my breath. He took pictures of my circular motions as I played with my lips and clitoris. After him naming the scientific name of the “front hairy part” and him not licking his lips when I disrobed and him studying my body to grab her essence from the pit of virginal shame, they were begging for attention and finally got some. I reached a pretty deep breath and a low moan. He says I can go ahead and finish if I wanted and then just walks away giving me privacy to be with myself and my feminine energy.

I wasn’t ready to go deeper with my audience of one. Next time, absolutely. That was the one time I actually got scared. What if I go there and can’t get back? What if I like having an orgasm in front of an audience and I can’t replicate that experience ever again and then can’t orgasn ever again? What if this is when he goes ape-shit crazy? I wasn’t ready to be post-orgasm vulnerable. I knew I would want to be cuddled or to ride the wave of the cum. But we had more work to do. So I pulled myself back and my body was deeply sad. She was ready, but I was not.

I didn’t orgasm that time but I could have. Next time. Maybe when I have the iPhone 8 I’ll cum and he can get it on camera. After getting close to an orgasm, I sauntered into a few more poses–a little high off my own libido and ready to finish strong.

He asks if I want anything else. He’d taken almost 350 photos. I’m satisfied. He’s satisfied. I tell him I need to charge my phone for about 30 minutes.

I have so many questions. Like, how and why nude photography? Why women? Must the nude photography be done with a model that the photographer is sexually attracted to? Does the photographer’s sexual orientation and preference matter when choosing gender of the model?

He wants to hear my story. Where I am in my journey. Maybe he cares. Maybe he doesn’t. Perhaps that Spanish politeness coming through? I share anyway. Speaking and having him listen intently was like salve to a purity culture wound. He offered no advice or sage wisdom or encouragement. Just an occasional nod of attentiveness and full, deep eye contact where he saw my essence. And I let him. I gave him the heaviness of my vulnerability and he held it safely for me.

As I charged my phone, we talked. I kept waiting for him to lean over and let me infer that it was coital payment time now. I braced myself for the beckon and it never came. I wasn’t brave enough to ask if he felt the sexual tension at any time during the photo shoot. I sure did. But if we would have fucked, it would have ruined the sacred space of me and him together making art. It would have brought down the innocence and raw eroticism down to dirt level and left me shrugging my shoulders and figuring out when I could fuck my next one.

As my battery revived itself, I was still nude. But somehow, I wasn’t butt-ass naked. I’ll have to ponder the difference between the two in a later blog, but they are truly not the same. The whole time I sat on the couch, my hands gracing my thighs, breasts displayed, and body finally resting, his eyes never left mine. He could very well have stared at my exposed areolas or the haired triangle–my mons pubis–and imagined himself between my legs like every other guy, but he had the dignity, the audacity, and the reverence of the woman and feminine energy to not. I felt that and it almost made me weep again and get to an even deeper level of healing for my wounded soul. He had literally seen and snapped shots of my sacred spaces, gotten mere inches to be counted on 1 hand not 2 away from my treasures. I extended trust to him and he offered strong, safe hands to hold my vulnerability and sacred woundings. Time stood still and I inched my way further down my path towards healing and art and beauty and voice and honor and dignity and grace.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever meet Ferdinand again. I would love to take more pictures with him. I mean, I messaged him and did my best to beg and plead for another chance. I even said that I would shave if he brought his good camera. And y’all THAT is true dedication cuz me and my leg and pussy hair are real close.

Not fucking made me sit and be completely. Be all the things. I couldn’t run and hide behind fucking and flipping from position to position almost robotically. I didn’t fake an orgasm. I didn’t wonder why the guy didn’t care that I hadn’t cum. I brought my whole self in a way that I hadn’t in other sexual encounters. This photo shoot was somehow deper and more intimate than sex and I will wonder how and why it was like that for years to come.

That day, I learned, I need nothing else to be beauty. Nothing more to be art. Just me and my body.

Just me and my art.

Thanks Ferdinand. I’m glad I swiped right on you.

[rachelclewis]

Bad Trip

Not that long ago, I often traveled for work. This was when I was single and lived alone. Traveling for work became routine after a while. I would even say I got to the point where I enjoyed traveling solo. I remember one conference in particular. It was in San Diego and I didn’t know anyone at the conference or in the city, but I explored and found fun things to do. I even blew off the “networking” session of the conference because I saw a sandwich board advertising, “One Night Only: John Cleese Live!” It was a great choice; he was hilarious! I just wish I would have bought one of the t-shirts that read, “I saw John Cleese perform RIGHT before he DIED!” (This was in 2008, by the way. He is still alive.)

This was also the trip where I accidentally ordered veal because I thought “scallopini” meant “little scallops.” I felt terrible once I realized what I had done, but it wasn’t like I could give the little guy CPR once it was on the plate. So I ate it. (And goddamn it was delicious.) Then there was the supposedly haunted restaurant in Old Town with the margaritas the size of bird baths. Well, the first one is a bird bath. The second one threatens to become a facial. But I wasn’t driving, and I was without a companion to judge me, so I enjoyed both, completely.

As I said, this was 2008, over ten years ago. Many things have changed. I’m in a relationship. I have a stepson.  I had Wensley in 2008, but now he is an older dog with some health issues. (He will be fourteen years old this month.) That’s a lot of comfort and responsibility to leave behind, especially when I haven’t traveled on my own in years. It didn’t actually occur to me that I hadn’t exercised those muscles and therefore had lost all the tone until I went to Austin by myself last weekend.

I made a New Year’s goal to do more with my blog and I searched for learning opportunities. I found an online community of blogging women with a conference coming up in Texas and I bought tickets and booked a flight. I was anxious about the trip, but I have acute anxiety. I am anxious about everything.

The morning of the flight, Ethan (who is six) told me he was worried that I might get lonely on my trip and asked if I would like to take one of his soft friends (his word for stuffed animals) with me. It was such a sweet gesture and it touched me. I even took out an extra top to make space for the soft friend he selected, which was a black bear featuring a radio collar because it was purchased at a national park where bears are tagged and studied.

As soon as I buckled in for the flight, my anxiety went to work. “Why are you doing this?” It asked. “Can you even afford it? What if something happens to your extremely old dog while you are gone and you aren’t there to comfort him?” Tears welled up behind my eyes. I fought them back, but they pretty much stayed right there for the rest of the weekend.

I want to be completely clear: the conference was great and the ladies I met were lovely. I might even go again next year. That said, it was a hard experience for me. From the moment I entered the first event (a cocktail party on Friday evening), women were reaching out to me to help me feel welcome. Obviously they picked up my introvert vibe and reacted by inviting me into their conversations, metaphorically putting an arm around my shoulders and saying, “You’re good; We got you!” But I was not prepared for what a room full of female Texas bloggers (who refer to themselves as “influencers” and “momtrepreneurs” would be like.

These women are poised and glamourous. They are fit and fashionable, and they wear lipstick and high heels on Saturdays. Where I come from, Saturdays are for skiing, or biking, or hiking (depending on the weather). There are definitely no high heels. There may be tinted chapstick, but it has to be SPF 15 or higher.

They sell their makeup and outfits and home décor ideas on their feeds and they make serious money doing it. They have class and style and they will help you have it, too. All you have to do is click and add to cart. And that is exactly what thousands of people on Instagram do, every day. You have to see the photos of their picture perfect lives to understand it. I felt like a fraud sitting with them and taking notes on what makes the perfect Pinterest board.

I know what you are thinking. “Oh, Rachel, we all feel that way! I’m sure half of them thought you were the one that had it together! It’s just a bad case of imposter syndrome, that’s all!” No. Wrong. I can prove it. Here is a photo I found on the photographer’s site (@mandiroachphotography) in a collection of pics from the event.

In case I have to explain, I’m the one in the center dealing with, I don’t know, an entire chicken wing or similar stuck in my back teeth. If you could zoom out you would see one hundred more women just like the ones surrounding me here. Lovely, lovely, stinkin’ lovely. Not one giving themselves dental work.

Feeling out of place just made me feel even more homesick. And then, the last day of the conference, I made the mistake of checking my email and discovering that the coverage I had set up for my day off to go to the conference hadn’t been adequate. I realized that I was in some trouble with my boss and that sent me into minor crisis mode. I felt like the whole trip had been a mistake. This was just before the smaller focus group session where we discussed questions and takeaways. I had been conspicuously quiet, so the group leader asked me to share my thoughts.

“I’m totally overwhelmed,” I blubbered, the tears that I had been holding back breaking forth in a torrent and hitting the floor. “I don’t even know what an ‘instagram story’ is!”

Again, the lovely ladies enveloped me and told me I was okay. They reminded me I just needed to get one actionable thing out of the conference and hold on to that. And someone else told me something that did stick with me. It isn’t about followers, it is about authenticity. What is your “why?” That is, why do you blog? What are you bringing to this space?

So I went to the loo and washed my face. Then I went back to the table and sat down with my notebook to draft a mission statement. I didn’t figure out exactly what it was, but I realized that I do have a “why” (aside from needing a place to write and hoping someone who likes my sense of humor will read it). I want to live an examined life. Writing helps me do that examining. My hope is that sharing what I unearth will help others, too.

Whew! I got my one thing, just before the conference ended! But then it was over, and all the ladies headed off for home. I, however, headed back to my hotel. I wasn’t able to find a non-red-eye flight, and my red-eye days are behind me.

Or so I said when I bought my tickets. My hotel had a spa and a gym, surely I would be able to find something to do that last evening before catching a reasonable morning flight, right? But then I was in the hotel with sixteen hours to kill, completely stressed out about work and needing a cuddle from each of my boys, human and canine alike. As good as it would have been for me, I wasn’t going to go to the gym.

I went down to the hotel bar and started texting a friend to ask her how she got 10k Instagram followers, but we ended up talking about the conference instead. The tears came back and I couldn’t make them stop, not even when my amazing mac and cheese with brisket tips arrived. My poor waitress probably thought my best friend died. I snapped a tearful selfie and sent it to my friend, but I’m sharing it here also in the spirit of authenticity.

And the mac and cheese… (that’s cornbread and bacon butter in the background)

Throughout the trip, I kept an eye out for good spots to pose Black Bear so that I could send photos home to Ethan. I looked through them back in my hotel room and realized that, based on the photos, the bear was on the trip that I hoped to have. It seemed significant and apropos of the conference and the idea of sharing an authentic experience, versus and idea of perfection. I can’t do what those other ladies do. I am not here to tell you how to have the perfect vacation because I don’t know how to do that. I’m here to tell stories about why I spent last Sunday ugly crying in public places. I’m here to talk about how living with acute anxiety is hard. I have learned that it is possible to live a full life with anxiety, but you have to work at it. It won’t always go according to plan, and sometimes you have to force yourself to get out and do it. Luckily, there are also stuffed bears to cuddle while waiting for planes, and there is love and kindness waiting to reassure us on both ends of the trip.