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patriciasage · 4 years ago

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promises, promises

Author: Patricia_Sage

Fandom: The Adventure Zone - Balance

Summary:

Taako made two promises to his sister early on in this seemingly endless mission. Firstly, he isn’t allowed to intentionally cut a cycle short, no matter how much time is left, no matter how much he misses her. Secondly, if she’s gone, he has to take care of Barry.

He isn’t sure what his sister was thinking with the second one. ‘Taako’ and ‘take care of’ are not words that naturally go together for anyone other than Lup. He loves the entire crew, of course he does, but he would rather kill for them than comfort them.

This is the first cycle where Lup is dead and neither Taako nor Barry had gone with her.

posted in full under the break but you can find me on AO3!!

There are two months left in the cycle and Lup is gone. She, Merle, and Davenport were poisoned during a political meeting.

Taako hadn’t been hungry that day. He wishes he would have taken a drink. Magnus hates when he says it, but he prefers to die by her side than live without her. And death would have been much more preferable to watching her choke and spasm in front of him. Helpless.

Lucretia has a lot on her plate now, attempting to negotiate with the bastards who killed them. There was death on both sides, since Taako literally burned the place to the ground. It seems as though they’re on the verge of war – the four remaining crewmembers versus this country’s royal armies.

Taako doesn’t give a shit.

“What’s the fucking point?” he asks Lucretia when she made plans to meet with the royal representative. “This cycle’s gone to Hell; let’s just go.”

“We have two months left,” Lucretia says. “We have a chance to work through this and get the Light. Then they didn’t die in vain.” Her voice cracks. Taako attempts to be gentle with his friend, even though rage flows through him like a roaring stream.

But quiet vitriol escapes his mouth. “Are they even worth saving?”

Lucretia looks at him with bright, brown eyes. “Taako.”

“They killed Merle and Davenport and Lup! And they should have killed me too. And we’re still going to bend over backwards in order to save them? They obviously wouldn’t do the same for us.”

“That’s not how this works,” Lucretia says, quiet and stern. “We don’t decide who is worth saving or not.” She places her dark hand on Taako’s shoulder. “I know you’re hurting, T. And I won’t make you be a part of this. But I’m going to try and get the Light of Creation. And you’re going to make it through these next few months to see her again.”

Taako could see her again right now if he wanted to. But he doesn’t say that. And he doesn’t let himself truly entertain the thought. He promised.

Everyone on the ship is grieving in their own way. Barry becomes entirely reclusive, locking himself in his lab. Magnus cries a lot over the first few days and blames himself for not being at the meeting to protect them, but then he focuses his energy into learning to pilot the Starblaster. Taako attempts to distract his mind from the grief that sits deep in his bones.

Knowing their deaths are temporary doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Magnus makes it his personal mission to take care of Taako, which is very annoying but also helps with his plan for distraction. He sits next to the Magnus as the fighter test-drives the ship. It’s hard to think about your dead sister when your friend is crashing a spaceship into a lake.

But Magnus isn’t only recklessness and aggressive enthusiasm. He’s also soft and sensitive – and fucking manipulative. He tells Taako he needs a hug or someone to keep him company when he sleeps. Taako knows these are partial lies. He knows that Magnus just wants to hold his pieces together, to shield Taako from the nightmares that tear him apart.

Taako travels through the days like molasses. He wants to exist in the bare minimum, avoid the smouldering flame threatening to burn him up. But it’s hard to exist, unfeeling, in a world where he’s always had her at his side. He can’t do anything without thinking of her.

He drinks too much.

It helps a little, but it causes Magnus to make that sad, helpless expression, so Taako hides it as best he can.

He made two promises to his sister early on in this seemingly endless mission. Firstly, he isn’t allowed to intentionally cut a cycle short, no matter how much time is left, no matter how much he misses her. Secondly, if she’s gone, he has to take care of Barry.

Taako isn’t sure what his sister was thinking with the second one. ‘Taako’ and ‘take care of’ are not words that naturally go together for anyone other than Lup. He loves the entire crew, of course he does, but he would rather kill for them than comfort them.

This is the first cycle where Lup is dead and neither Taako nor Barry had gone with her.

Food is always an effective way to build a bridge between two stubborn souls. Taako steps foot into the Starblaster’s kitchen for the first time since the disaster a few weeks ago. Lucretia is a passable cook, so the remaining crew haven’t been suffering too much, but her meals are nothing compared to the twins’ concoctions.

Absolutely everything on this ship reminds Taako of his sister (pretty much every aspect of existence reminds him of his sister), but the kitchen is particularly salient. He stands in the doorway and breathes through it, thankful that no one is around. Lup is the only one who knows him at his core, the only one who’s ever seen his soft, fragile centre. Magnus has been digging closer and closer every cycle with his big hands and even bigger smile. But there’s no one Taako trusts like he trusts Lup.

And she’s gone.

And he made her a promise.

There are so many lakes on this world. Taako had spent most of springtime fishing and filleting, so the freezer is full. He takes out a few cuts of cod, expertly deboned, as well as some salt, pepper, lemon, chili powder, and dill. He starts the rice boiling and thaws the fish with a flick of his wand. The meat hasn’t been frying for too long before Magnus and Lucretia appear at the kitchen table, summoned by the smell. They’re looking at him with an irritating mixture of encouragement and wariness. He ignores them and focuses on cooking. He’s mentally batting away memories and feelings constantly and it’s starting to take a toll.

The kitchen is silent except for the sizzle of fish in the pan and the soft murmur of boiling rice. Taako transmutes some beans into asparagus and tosses that in the pan as well.

“Fucking talk,” he says to the stove.

Magnus startles into conversation. Taako feels his friends’ gazes move away from his back and toward each other. He focuses on their chat even though it’s boring. It’s easier than fighting his heart’s insistent ache.

He avoids looking at their faces while he places their meals in front of them. “Thank you,” Lucretia says softly. Magnus places a big, warm hand on the wizard’s shoulder.

Taako feels his mouth press into a shadow of a smile. He squeezes Magnus’s hand and steps away. “Dig in. I’m gonna bring some to the lab rat.”

Barry is asleep at his desk, drooling on a sketch of one of his prototypes. Taako sets the plate down next to him and watches the smell wake him up. His glasses are askew even when he lifts his head.

There’s an awful moment when he looks at Taako and his face softly lights up. Taako’s stomach sinks, and then Barry comes fully into awareness and looks away. Taako regrets shaving his face his morning and he regrets wearing his hair up the way Lup usually does before bed. He doesn’t blame Barry for the disappointment.

“This is good shit, so you’d better not let it get cold,” Taako says. He leans against the workbench with his arms crossed.

“Smells good,” Barry replies with his characteristic, gruff awkwardness. Taako tries not to fidget. The chill of Lup’s absence is strongest in the kitchen, but it’s swirling around the lab, too. It’s typical to see Lup sprawled on the couch pretty much every evening, chattering while Barry tries and fails to focus on his work.

Barry puts a forkful of rice in his mouth and speaks around it. Gross. “Did you eat already?”

Taako is absentmindedly surprised when he realizes he hasn’t eaten anything except a bite of toast that Magnus practically shoved in his mouth this morning. He curses himself for thinking about it too long and ruining what could have been a perfectly good lie. “Yep, sure did.”

“Taako…” Barry says disapprovingly, lowering his fork.

“Get outta my ass, Barry. I’m, like, a hundred years old, or something.” Age doesn’t mean much to them, anymore. “Don’t treat me like a child.”

“I’m not treating you like a child. I’m treating you like – ” He sighs. “Do you have some left over upstairs?”

“Yeah,” Taako lies. He walks toward the door. “Gonna go eat now, so…enjoy, or whatever.”

Barry rubs his eyes under his glasses. “Thanks, Taako.”

“Shit,” Taako mutters as he climbs the stairs. Why didn’t Lup tell Magnus or Lucretia to take care of Barry? Hell, anyone would do a better job than him.

Taako enters the now empty kitchen and casts Prestidigitation to clean the dishes, but he stops before he can leave for the upper deck. There’s a full plate of food on the table. It’s obvious that Magnus and Lucretia had each put half of their meal onto a clean plate. They’re taking advantage of his inability to throw away food, engrained from his childhood. Taako sighs but sits at the table to eat. He feels more solid when he’s done, but just as empty.

The next day is better.

“Come for a walk,” Taako demands from Barry’s bedroom doorway. Barry yelps and covers his chest with a blanket.

“Taako!”

“Come for a walk!” the elf repeats, leaving the door ajar as he leaves.

Barry joins him on the Starblaster’s lower deck in a few minutes, hair messy but fully clothed. “Where are we going?”

Before Taako has a chance to respond, Magnus rushes in. “Don’t forget your cloak – it’s kinda cold. Oh, hey, Barry. You coming with us?”

“I guess I am.”

“Great!”

Magnus hands Barry his denim jacket and throws Taako’s thicker cloak in his direction. The security officer himself is wearing a wool-lined vest with no sleeves. Taako resists the urge to roll his eyes when he notices.

The men don’t talk a lot as they traverse the path that Magnus and Taako have worn down over the last few weeks. They skip rocks on the surface of the still water. Barry stays far away from the water’s edge. Magnus picks Taako up and pretends he’s about to throw him in. Instead of protesting, Taako looks the man in the eyes with a challenge. “Do it. I fucking dare you, Burnsides.” Magnus freezes and just stands there holding the elf in his arms for a moment. Taako smirks. “That’s what I thought.”

Barry disappears into his lab when they return to the ship, but Taako still considers it a success. After a few days, Barry no longer needs to be woken up; he joins them in the foyer, sleepy but ready, every morning. Lucretia comes, too, when she’s not out negotiating.

Taako cooks when he can.

Sometimes he’s good. Sometimes the air of the kitchen suffocates him. Barry sees him once, standing in the pantry, frozen and overwhelmed. “Hey,” he says. There’s something soft and complex in his expression when Taako whirls around.

“What’s up, my man?” Taako’s voice breaks more than usual. The stiffness of his hands betrays him, too. Barry beckons him out of the pantry. Taako follows quietly as the scientist travels to the Starblaster’s upper deck.

The endless night sky is strangely comforting. There aren’t many constants in their life besides each other, their target, and their enemy. But the sky is always there and ready to take them away.

Barry opens a hatch near the centre of the deck and brings out what looks like a piece from a broken chair. “Ready?” he asks.

“What?”

Barry just nods and then throws the item high into the air. Taako understands when it reaches his highest peak, but he can’t bring himself to take out his wand. The piece of wood falls into a nearby like with a soft splash.

“Oh, sorry,” Barry says awkwardly. “You’re supposed to hit it with a spell –”

“I know what I’m supposed to do, Barry. I’ve lived with her my whole life,” Taako snaps. He takes a breath and tries again. “Look, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, man. But that’s her. She feels things build up inside and needs to let ‘em out in a way she can control. But I- …I’m not full of anything.” He turns to leave. “So, thanks, dude, but this isn’t gonna work for me.”

Barry grabs his wrist. “Taako, wait!” He looks a little helpless. “Then what does work for you? Tell me.”

“I don’t know.”

“Come on.” Barry attempts a smile but he’s shivering a little in the night air. “Like you said to me the other day – you’re over a hundred years old. You know. So, tell me what makes you feel better when you feel like shit so I can help you out.”

“I don’t want your fucking help, Barry.”

“Well, that’s too damn bad!” Barry rarely raises his voice. It echoes across the empty deck and is swallowed by the night sky. “Tell me, Taako.”

He knows the answer will hurt both of them when it leaves his mouth, but he says it anyway. “Being with her.” Barry averts his gaze and Taako feels both sick and triumphant. “Just…being in her company makes me feel like a person again. So. Unless you can do that for me, I think we’re done here.”

Taako stands outside Magnus’s bedroom door for a few minutes. He raises his hand to knock then lowers it again. He spends the night on a nearby dock, listening to the waves lap against the shore and slowly emptying a bottle of rum.

The next morning, they pretend it didn’t happen. They go for their morning walk and let Magnus carry the conversation.

Lucretia gets the Light of Creation against all odds – and just in time. There’s only about two days left in this Cycle. Taako makes her favourite dish, piri piri chicken, and they allow themselves to celebrate with wine and music. It never feels completely right to celebrate, knowing the Hunger is still going to cause a lot of damage, but they need to allow themselves these small successes. The men also feel the need to show appreciation to Lucretia, since she worked tirelessly to save this world while they went for walks and crashed the ship into lakes.

Magnus is dancing with Lucretia in the kitchen and Taako makes a quick exit before the big man can trap him in another embrace. He finds Barry on the couch, lost in thought. He sits down beside him, touching their wine glasses together in a small toast. “We made it,” the wizard says before taking another drink.

“Yeah,” Barry says. They’re both thinking the same thing. They’ll see her again soon.

Barry turns to face him. “Listen, Taako, I’m sorry I was so pushy the other night.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“It’s just…” Barry sighs. “I promised her I’d take care of you and I –”

“What?” Taako interrupts. They look at each other, incredulous and inquiring. “She made me promise to take care of you, dude.”

Barry smiles and laughs. Taako fumes. As if Barry Bluejeans could take care of him – what was she thinking? “We both did kind of a shit job, didn’t we?” Barry says.

“Hey, without me you would’ve starved to death.”

“Yeah, that’s fair.”

A few days later, Magnus flies the Starblaster through the Hunger’s advancing tendrils, their bodies fragment, and the entire crew materializes in their set places. Before Lup can even take a breath, Taako shoves her hard. “What the fuck?” she sputters. He silences her with a hug.

The IPRE crew puts the past behind them and they settle into a new life on a new world. Barry and Lup go back to their routine of being attached at the hip and stubbornly not talking about their feelings. Lup and Taako cook and practice magic together. Barry and Taako aren’t close, per se, but they tolerate each other in a new, honest and kind way.

It’s worth it to see the smile on Lup’s face.

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chimswae · 4 years ago

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BTS Caretaker CH21

Summary: She may think she has Bangtan Sonyeondan wrapped around her fingers. She may think it is easy to love the members equally without hurting any soul. She may think the boys wont fall head over heels for her. She assumes it is okay to show a little love and affection towards the boys, what if she gets it all wrong? What if it only brings more complication to her already complicated life? Can she survive their charms? Will she be able to resist them? What if they just wont let her go?

- Pairing: BTS x Oc ( Yoongi x OC, Jungkook x OC)

- Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst, Romance, Idol!au

- Word Count: 6, 707

- Author Note: I missed the date of posting new chapter again, okay so caught up with work :< aish, but it is okay i am updating now!

Previous | Next

Chapter 21

It was a long silence between them, neither the boys nor Seul dared to utter anything. To begin with, what was they supposed to say at first place. The Jungkook and Seul relationship or Jimin’s sudden outburst. As much as they wanted to bring Yoongi’s side of the story into the picture, they thought it was out of context. Yoongi’s issues had nothing to do with them, yet one of the reasons that trigger Jimin’s anger was related to Yoongi after all.

For once Namjoon had never feel burdened with the responsibility as the leader of BTS until today. Firstly, he had to unravel the tense between Jungkook, Jimin and Seul. The atmosphere between the four walls were suffocating him, and he could tell everyone felt the same. He held his breath for a long time before exhaling a deep sigh garnering everyone’s eyes on him “Alright. Let’s get thing straight” glancing at the maknae whom sat across him. Seul felt her heart being torn apart from this impromptu confrontation. To be frank, she was not ready to be questioned this way especially when it came to her and Jungkook status.

“Jung, is there something going on between you and Seul?” Namjoon probed. Gulping away her nervousness, Seul was being surrounded by a group of man who appeared to be very protective over the youngest member of their group. Yoongi looked like he was ready to swing his baseball bat and beat some shit outta Jungkook and Jimin. His eyes never left Seul ever since the scene at her workplace. Not that he cared, yet it was bothersome to be remembered by it. Learning the truth behind Jungkook’s disappearance at night stung his heart even more.

Jungkook is one step ahead him. Yoongi groaned in frustration.

Jungkook stammered “Seul and I…We became friends because I am their frequent customer there. I spent my time there to draw” he pressed his palms together searching for strength to face his members’ wrath.

“You become friends and as far as I am concern friends don’t kiss, that is too affectionate. What is the meaning behind those kiss? ” Jin leaned his back on the seat, tilting his head to take a good look of Seul expression. Now that they had came to this, he feared to hear the truth.

Jungkook and Seul relationship would be the beginning or the end of him.

Chewing her chapped lips, Seul fingers fidgeted unconsciously at the end of her pink sweater. Her rapid breathing was drawing Hoseok attention who appeared to sit just beside her, he leaned over whispering softly “Are you okay Seul? You don’t look good” his voice was as soft as his sunny smile. It managed to calm her down a little.

She nodded, squishing her eyes tight for a moment before opened it again only to be welcomed by Hoseok’s round eyes “I can manage this, thank you Hoseok” she flashed a weak smile. He returned to his seat with a small smile and gave his attention on Jungkook and Namjoon.

“What I know it was not a mistake. Those kisses are real. I…like Seul” Jungkook’s confession earned different reaction from the floor. Some were scoffing away, some were too dumbfounded to even react, and some were stayed frozen in their seat shooting Jungkook a judgemental look. That was not definitely in their dictionary. What changed Jungkook to be this confident and super determined of his own feelings?

Jungkook’s eyes met Seul confused one, making Jimin rolled his eyes in his seat. Salty Park Jimin about to open his mouth to say something, but his fellow 95 liner friend already jumped in “Do you see her as a woman, Jungkook? Someone that you wish to own” upon hearing Taehyung’s last word, Seul blushed madly. The thought of being owned by someone never occurred to her some more, the person is a member from famous idols of the century. Crazy as it sound Seul couldn’t stop her heart from making weird noise inside.

They only needed one nod from Jungkook to confirm everything, so they could make sense out from this situation. Jungkook had never been so open to them when it came to his own feelings. To witness the younger guy being bluntly honest about his inner feeling gave some sense of relief to the hyungs. Over the years Jungkook was known to be very introvert and he did not talk to strangers unless he felt comfortable with them. Jungkook had few friends in the industry like GOT7’s Yugyeom and Seventeen’s Mingyu yet it did not stop him to get out from his comfort zone. Part of them were grateful of his feeling for Seul, it was a good start for Jungkook to be more open to other options in life. However, it also worrisome considering it involved commitment and serious relationship.

Each of the members had a mixed feeling about this Jungkook liking Seul thing. To break it down, Namjoon main concerned was whether this relationship Jungkook plan to have with Seul is healthy. After his failed relationship with Hyemi, he did not want others to experience the pain of losing someone whom he thought important in life only to be left hanging without words. Not to mention as a leader and a brother of Jungkook, he did not want Jungkook to get hurt. Relationship involved commitment, was Jungkook ready to carry the burden on his shoulder?

Kim Seokjin. He was neutral. People couldn’t read through him as he always appears optimistic and positive to everyone. Internally he’s suffering from the confession. He did show his interest on Seul because their friendship started off pretty normal that involved no fight. Nowadays, Seokjin enjoyed Seul’s presence around him apart from his 92-line squad and his game squad, Jin had Seul to listen the worries that he had whenever he couldn’t talk it out with his members or other friends. Seul is a good listener. As he learnt that one of the members revealed his feeling openly to Seul, was this a sign to back off before things got complicated later on?

When it came to Hoseok, this was his second-time meeting Seul so he did not have any issues with her. He knew Seul was a nice girl and worth to be loved by many. She deserved all the love from the world. If there’s one thing that bothered Hoseok would be her genuine intention in befriending them. Not that Hoseok wanted to question her integrity, but the world is a scary place. They could not just bluntly trust people that they barely knew especially Seul. Even though she’s a daughter of Mrs Hwang their original caretaker whom treated them like their own son these past few years, they shouldn’t depend on that one factor only. It was a matter of fact that people could be toxic without they realized, just like Son Hyemi.

Sitting with his mouth sealed tight on the armrest was Taehyung. His expression did not give away any worries or emotions pertaining to this issue, but he still found it a little over the top for his sane mind to comprehend. Without doubt, he was attracted of Seul at first place became the reason why he snapped her picture and kept it on his night stand. That small crush that he had for Seul was still unclear, it needed to be shaped. Considering things had changed now, would it be better for him to eradicate this small crush he had for Seul before it became contagious to his heart? He did not want any heartbreak in the future wasn’t he.

Jimin on the other hand looked distressed in his seat. His protective instinct for Jungkook earlier on was soon replaced by annoyance. Annoyance of his own discomfort to the idea of there was another guy liking Seul and it happened to be Jungkook. The only difference between them, Jungkook had guts to sort his feeling out when he didn’t. That Jimin saw Seul more than just a friend was evident. But he refused to conform to the reality of life. It was a reticent, very private feeling which he had no intention to reveal just yet.

Yoongi was complicating things around him and his true feelings that he had for Seul. Everyone could literally see how possessive he was over Seul, yet he denied that fact at all cost. The fact that he used revenge to steal kisses from Seul, Yoongi was actually trying to confirm his own feeling. At first, he assumed it was a mere admiration towards Seul’s sassiness however it turned into something deeper not long after. He was dragging himself down into the deepest pit of the dark hole in his heart. Wanting to escape, yet he failed. As a result, Yoongi came out pretty hard and aggressive on Seul even though he wasn’t intended to hurt her. It came out neutral because he was not ready to embrace the truth. The truth might hit him a little hard on his face, so Yoongi was afraid to take the risk. With this Jungkook thing, Yoongi realized he must do something about this before too late.

“So, answer him, do you see Seul as a woman or is it a mere admiration?” Jin broke the long silence desperate to hear the answer though he’s not really keen of listening to it.

Nodding with a soft sigh “I see her as a woman and I like her because she is Seul” that was enough to melt Seul’s heart again as blush crept up warming her cheeks. Why was she being weak again? Now since they had settled with Jungkook, seven pair of eyes landed on her. She was in deep shit.

“Seul, do you know Jungkook is Jungkook?” the leader raised his eyebrow in question.

“No, I don’t. He was wearing mask 24/7 how do you expect me to notice that is him?” her voice broke a little due to the intensity that she felt inside her.

Jimin found the chance to butt in with a sarcastic remark “Funny thing is, you are a fan. How can you not know Jungkook even from his eyes?” he glowered.

Seul looked so piss as she glared at Jimin “Funny thing, I am not Jungkook’s fan. Neither of you are my favourite. How do you expect me to remember your eyes when I messed up your faces and names” the corner of Yoongi’s lips were tugged into a smirk. Ji Seul makes a comeback, as expected. He complimented in his head admiring her sassiness.

Pursing his lips sulkily, Jimin shook his head giving up on his argument with Seul already. She was impossible to beat especially when it involved to defending herself. Seul always know what to say.

Namjoon continued “Alright. You have no idea it is Jungkook, so you befriend him. Both of you become friend and Jungkook apparently reveal his feelings for you. How about your feelings? Do you like Jungkook that way?” upon hearing that question, Seul turned pale.

Taehyung scrutinized her expression with so much interest trying to read through her but to no avail. Would it be possible that she did not see Jungkook more than a friend? A spark of hope lightens his heart a little. Taehyung was up for any possibility.

“I repeat, do you like Jungkook more than just a friend?” Namjoon pressed. He was acting like a father-in-law making other cringe in their seat. Yoongi small eyes were watching Seul every little move, causing her to shift uncomfortably under his hard gaze. This did not work at all. She did not have the answers with her. Everything happened too fast.

Seul heaved a heavy sigh “I don’t know. I am not sure. My feelings for Jungkook are still ambiguous, I can’t exactly tell whether it is more than just a friend. It is still too early to decide it, I am sorry Jungkook” she threw an apologetic look at Jungkook.

He felt a heavy tug on his heart, but he managed to pull a soft smile on his face “Don’t be sorry Seul. I told you I don’t want to push you, we can still work on this” Seul bit her lower lips, lowering her gaze shyly. Jungkook would not give up on his feeling for Seul that easily. It took a lot of courage to embrace this new side of him, to give up on it just like that would be a waste.

“Someone got friend zoned” Hoseok joked to light up the mood.

“I AM NOT-“ “SHE ISNT-“ they were surprised to see Jungkook and Seul perfect timing. Seul’s cheeks turned into fifty shades of red realizing she was indirectly admitting to the fact that she was interested in Jungkook as well though she needed time to figure it out.

“You are reconsidering Jungkook’s feelings?” Taehyung’s eyes glimmered in curiosity.

Jungkook rubbed his neck, holding back his bunny smile “Yes I am. I need time. I am not used to this” Seul mumbled timidly. Jimin was hurt by her answers, now it was obvious Seul might end up liking Jungkook for real is he didn’t do anything about it. What should he do again to fix this mess that he created?

“But, that doesn’t mean you have confirmed your true feelings for Jungkook right?” Yoongi’s hoarse voice baffled everyone. The older guy had chosen to keep his mouth shut all the time, hence to hear something coming from him was intimidating. Because after all, though Yoongi did not say it aloud about his feeling for Seul, all of them knew that guy had a thing for her. Jungkook realized it too. He had been stealing glance at Yoongi during their conversation, and his attention was on Seul most of the time.

Jungkook was not alone in this complicated battle. With Yoongi came into the picture, Jungkook was mentally ready to fight healthily.

“We can say that” not letting Yoongi’s stare penetrated her heart, Seul avoided his gaze at all cost.

Smiling with full of gratification, Yoongi arose from his seat “Then this conversation is over. That is all I need to hear” he gave one final look at Seul sending chill down her spine. She watched his body disappeared behind the door to his room leaving only six members around her.

“I am leaving too” muttering lowly, Jimin left the scene without saying much as Hoseok decided to tail him. He sensed something was wrong with Jimin, so he excused himself to investigate further. Taehyung followed not long after “I will see you later Seul..” he smiled warmly making his way stealthily to his room.

Jin was contemplating whether to be honest about his discomfort, in the end he chose to just shut it and give it a long thought before expressing it out. “Seul just stay over tonight, it is late. We don’t want you to walk in the dark alone. I will prepare the room for you” Jin stood up leaving the scene giving Seul no chance to protest. She grunted softly under her breath refusing the idea of staying over there today. Bad start.

Confused, Namjoon ran his fingers in his lock accompanied by a soft hum “Jungkook can you give us space? I need to talk with Seul alone” he turned to the younger guy that immediately nod with a small sigh.

Seul looked up with a small smile “Thank you Jungkook. Go rest” her sincerity made Jungkook fall head over heels for her again. A simple attention from Seul managed to crush another wall inside him, he craved for it.

“You too, see you in the morning. I hope. Good night Seul” his steps were heavy, even though this issue was settled due to the long talk, it still makes him nervous. After making sure Jungkook was nowhere to be seen around them, Namjoon shifted his attention back on the drained girl in front of him. His heart softened as his eyes landed on Seul’s distressed face.

“Seul-ah I won’t stop you or Jungkook. It is up to both of you to decide. Remember, if you hurt Jungkook you will have to face me. Do not give him a false hope even though it is okay for both of you to consider the options in front of you. I don’t want to see Jungkook broken-hearted”

“And, I have to warn you before things get out of hand. It is not just Jungkook’s feelings matter in this but others too. I can see another person in the room who actually like you just as much” Seul blinked with an unreadable expression.

“What do you mean by that” she retorted in disbelief. Did Namjoon just imply there were other BTS members liking her other than Jungkook? How was this even real? Seul felt so unreal at the moment. The impossibility only happened in dramas or movies. Since this occurred to her, she had no idea how to react to it.

Namjoon pressed his lips into thin line “You will find out soon. I am not the one who should tell you that. Just, make sure to not hurt anyone or yourself Seul-ah. Love is a scary thing. It is complicated. You can’t stop your feelings from loving someone, so give it a chance. Give the person a chance. Then you decide” he hinted.

“I am sorry Namjoon for causing this mess. I hope you are not being too hard on Jimin, he is right to doubt me. You guys barely knew me, so I understood Jimin. Even though part of me wanted to hit him hard for calling me a bitch. How dare he called me that” she grinded her teeth showing of her resentment over Jimin’s choice of word.

Chuckling softly, Namjoon nodded with an amused face “Don’t worry about Jimin. We fought a lot, then we made up the next day. This was nothing. Forgive Jimin and his foul mouth, he could be a little too vulgar when he got angry”

“He is protecting Jungkook that is normal. Your bonds are too strong even I couldn’t break that. I am glad Jimin decided to cuss at me instead of letting it slip off from his mind. That shows how much he cared for his members” she threw the compliments earnestly. It was true, it offended her, but she tried to see the bigger picture of it.

Namjoon had a proud smile on his face to hear someone admiring their brotherhood. It made him realized their bonds were no joke and he mentally agreed to Seul’s words. The tense in the room was diminishing and Seul finally able to breathe normally. Jin approached the two “The room is ready Seul, you should rest. I have prepared clean sweat and shirt on the bed for you to change. Don’t worry it is new, wear it” he beamed.

“Can i… not stay? This is uncomfortable” she murmured.

“What nonsense is that. No way, it is 4 in the morning. Just stay, we won’t let you go home at this time” Namjoon voice was stern and dominating. No wonder he’s the leader.

Seul eyes quivered uncomfortably, showing off her concern about the idea of a girl staying in an idol house “I don’t want to get caught by your manager, that would be bad. They have no idea about me replacing my mother” she tried to make up excuses to escape this place.

“We will be leaving around 10 for practice so, hyung won’t be here until the schedule. Don’t worry, leave before that” Jin showed no sign of giving up too, cornering the latter in process. “Just stay Seul, you don’t want to wear yourself out at work later. Go get some rest, the room is down the hall, just across Jimin and Hoseok” he gave a light pat on her head.

Seul finally gave in and nodded “Fine, I will stay just because I feel bad for what happened today. Thank you Jin. Good night both of you” she bid them a good night and made her way cautiously to the guest room.

Ji Seul, what will change after today. Seul made a mental note on it and decided to call it a day. She deserved a long rest after the therapy talk with Namjoon.

--------------

Tossing her body under the duvet, Seul found it was hard to fall asleep. It must be due to the new surroundings, with that she sat up groggily leaving the queen size bed for a moment to get warm drinks for herself. The hallway was quiet and dead, and she was sure the boys were already asleep at this time.

Seul glanced at the clock on the wall and muttered “It is just 5, ugh” she hugged her body, dragging her lazy feet to the kitchen. She made herself a hot cocoa in hope after this she could shut her eyes for two hours before sun rose again.

As she was about to leave with a cup of cocoa in her hand, she saw light flooding out from the open door of one of the rooms. She walked silently towards the source of light making sure her feet on the ground did not produce any unwanted sound. The room was a private lounge room for the boys to chill when they have times, it was decorated with music equipment at the corner, book shelves and a small purple billiard table. Across the book shelves there was a L-shape sofa to complete the room.

Seul peeked her head a little searching for familiar faces inside but only to be welcomed by an empty room. Straighten herself back to her original trance, she reached out for the switch light to turn it off. To her sheer surprise, a pair of hand wrapped securely around her wrist preventing her from moving. Startled, Seul’s eyes searched from the owner of the hand who stood few steps from her.

“Jimin…” she exhaled.

Jimin’s eyes looked sleepily and there were few strands of hair stuck out making him to appear super cute. To top that, he was wearing a cute blue pyjama with stars and moon design printed on it. Seul mentally judging Jimin’s appearance as well as trying to get a hold of herself from fangirling over this look.

“Can’t sleep?” he signalled the drinks in her hand with a flat smile.

“Yes.. do you want some I can make you one?” she offered.

Declining it politely, Jimin brought Seul’s hand down and looked at her way a little too intense. Her breath hitched in process like it was about to pop off any second by now “We can share” he suggested.

“Urm..Sure…” Jimin tugged her hand softly, bringing her inside the room to the sofa. Both of them sat down awkwardly side by side, and it made her felt uneasy. Jimin held back his tongue finding a perfect word to start this conversation. He couldn’t sleep because the guilt was slowly eating him up. He had a hard time to get Seul out of his mind.

Licking his lower lips, Jimin fisted his pyjama stealing glance at Seul’s side profile that never ceased to amaze him. A soft smile crept on his face, but as soon as their eyes locked, it rendered him speechless. Words that came out from Seul’s mouth only went pass through him, his attention was on her soft lips. The stain of hot cocoa at the corner of her lips made his mind went wild for a moment. He had to urge to kiss her but quickly shrug the thought off from his mind.

“Jimin..I said, do you want to take a sip?” her brows quirked in confusion.

Jimin removed the mug from her hand and took a long sip of the hot drinks without looking at her. It was not his intention to have a weird thought on Seul, yet he couldn’t help but to think that way. His hand was shaking a little, and his grip on the mug was about to slip off but Seul fast reflex avoided any accident happen.

She sat the mug down on the coffee table, sending a worried glance at Jimin “Jimin are you alright?” she whispered. Seul touched his forehead with the back of her hand, flustering Jimin even more “I..am alright… Just cold…” he coughed away the lump on his throat.

“Do you want me to turn on the heater?” Seul was about to get up until she felt him holding her down not allowing her to move even an inch. She blushed at the closeness of their face and body. Watching her this up close caused uproar in his heart, his eyes travelled from her eyes to her cute nose down to her lips again.

Jimin ran his hand to her jaw, giving a soft trace around the skin that tingled her heart. She held back her own heavy breathing, letting her eyes roamed freely on Jimin’s face. He stroked his thumb over her lips, stroking it effortlessly slow caused the latter to mewl a little under his magic touch.

Seul was aware, she’s supposed to be upset of Jimin. They hadn’t talk about what happened at the café, and it was so wrong to be this close to each other. Where was the tense between them again? How could it diminish that easily?

Her eyes fluttered open upon feeling Jimin strong gaze on her, and she was indeed right. Jimin eyes sparked under the light, looking dashing as always even without his makeup. He would always appear beautiful in front of her. Resting his forehead against Seul, he murmured awfully low “Seul-ah..I am sorry..for everything” it surprised her once again. Wow, Jimin is full of surprise.

“I didn’t mean to yell at you or call you with those horrible names. I was protecting Jungkook and..myself I guess..It was hard to admit to my own feeling Seul-ah” he continued.

Protecting himself? Seul flinched.

Seul smiled meekly as her fingers unconsciously tangled with his free hand on his lap, fiddling around casually “I understand. And I want to apologize too. It is my fault that this happen. You have the right to question me, because I am a stranger. Just don’t call me bitch, I really hated it” her lower lips puckered out a little showing her protest.

Jimin’s soft chuckle ease the tension that she felt earlier with him “I need to control my anger next time. I am sorry that I vent it out on you. In fact, I have something to tell you Seul” Seul face fell with anticipation.

What else would she hear today?

“Seul-ah” he called out softly, sitting up straight.

For the umpteenth time today, Seul’s face started to lose its colour again.

Interlacing their hand together, Jimin took a deep breath before breaking the eerie silence again “Since it come to this, I will play it fair beside Jungkook” he professed.

“What do you mean by that” she looked at him clueless.

“I see you as a woman...”

“……..”

“I like you a lot Seul. More than you imagine. This feeling is torturing me” Seul lips quivered letting the emotions overflowed her. Then it hit him hard, so this was the thing that Namjoon hinted her earlier. Jimin was another someone in BTS who had similar feelings as Jungkook.

Seul squeaked “Jimin..I…don’t know, it is just-“ he hushed her, shaking his head slowly.

“Don’t… I want to play it fair as I mention. You don’t get to decide now. We will give this thing a time. I don’t mind, as long as you allow me to show my genuine feelings for you. Will you?”

“Jimin..I might not be worth fighting for” she looked down on their intertwined hands, giving him a soft squish.

He sighed “Yes you are. I deny my feelings enough Seul and I am not doing that again. It only hurts you and I. That is not worth it, I am embracing my feelings that I have for you. Let me fight along with Jungkook” Seul heaved a tired sigh.

“I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want Jungkook to get hurt. What if, this only bring pain rather than happiness?” she expressed her worries. Even though, it was indeed true you couldn’t stop yourself from falling in love, but this issue was more than just that. It involved a lot of thing.

“We will manage that. I talked this out with Jungkook”

Her eyes rounded in sheer surprise “You did? When?” she inquired.

“Urm… as soon as the talk with Namjoon hyung ended. Jungkook is more than just a friend, he is my family. We talked about this. Seul, it is not like we plan to fall in love with the same person. It is coincidence. We will be able to manage this without hatred” Jimin convinced.

Seul needed a moment to decipher this whole thing. The idea of being in the middle of Jimin and Jungkook was so bad making her unsure of herself. If this only involved these two guys then it would be fine to her, but what if someone else resurfaced and professed the same thing, like Yoongi. She shrugged off the thought of the possibility being fight over again by another member.

“Jimin..I am not sure, I am scared of the future”

“Then lets live the present, that is important. Do not think about the future”

“At the end of the day, I will still have to choose” she protested.

“And when that day come, we will ready our heart Seul-ah. It is long way to go, do not let the future hold us back” he whispered, caressing her cheeks lovingly.

It never dawns on her to experience this kind of thing this year, what a mess. Did her decision to replace her mother as BTS Caretaker only to cause chaos rather than promoting peace?

Seul sighed, resting her head against his shoulder seeking for comfort and warmth. This thing was draining her energy, she felt numb. Jimin wrapped his arm automatically around her shoulder, bringing her close to his chest “I am sorry if this is too much for you to handle Seul” he rubbed his arm, planting soft kiss on top of her head.

Curling up in his embrace, Seul buried her face at the crook of his neck, inhaling his sweet manly scent “I am sorry that I can’t give both of you the answer that you want” she mumbled against his skin.

“Why are you sorry? We don’t need the answers now, we only need your presence around us. That is enough” he soothed his lock, smiling ear to ear at their close proximity. He had been dreaming doing this thing with Seul, having her in her arms and cuddling on the sofa. It felt unreal.

“Thank you Seul..”

“And what is that for?”

“For existing and allowing me to experience this”

Seul smiled to herself “That line is so cliché Jim. And, thank you for having that kind of feeling for me. ” he beamed. Jimin locked his arms around her tighter, nuzzling her hair in process. Whatever it takes, Jimin would never deny his true feelings anymore. He’s willing to see how far this could go. Only that he was not able to see what the future beholds, it never stops him.

Her lids started to grow heavy, and she found herself enjoying Jimin’s warmth around her. Was this a start of everything? She did question herself what change after today. Guess, Seul had to live with the fact that in one day she received two confessions from an unexpected male.

Her life was about to get interesting.

-----------------

When Jimin woke up it was eight in the morning, they had cuddled on the couch and fallen asleep. Jimin smiled to himself admiring Seul’s sleeping face, he felt a warmth that he never experiences before. Seul looked exhausted and calm in his embrace. His moist lips landed on top of her head to get her to wake up.

Few minutes later, she roused herself and with her eyes perfectly shut, he could see her sweet smile on her face “Did we fell asleep here?” she stretched a little, burying her face shyly in his chest.

Jimin chuckled, stroking her back gently “Yes, but we did get a good sleep anyway” Seul nodded and sat up followed by Jimin afterwards. As soon as her eyes landed on Jimin’s morning hair, she giggled and leaned closer. Raking her fingers in his soft lock, she stroked it gently, fixing it a little while Jimin was too busy staring at her.

“There you are set to go” she exclaimed. Her chirpy voice lightens up his world, what a good way to start a new day. “Oh shoot, it is late I need to clean the house and prepare you guys breakfast. I hope Jin is not awake yet” she combed her hair getting ready to leave.

“You go out first I will come out later. You don’t want to be bombarded by questions this early” he pinched her nose. Scrunching her nose cutely, she gave in with the idea. Seul arose from her feet and as she was about to leave, she skipped quickly to his side.

Dazed Jimin gave her a questionable look, she closed the gap between them, planting a soft kiss on his cheek. He turned giddy over it and she heard her whisper “You said to give both of you a chance. So, I am giving both of you a chance. Good morning Jimin” with those last word, she skidded outside the room with a bright pink face.

Jimin buried himself once again under the soft blanket, letting himself fanboying over this small tingly feeling that he had this early. He would never regret his decision. Just like he said, he would only live the present for now. The future was still far ahead, anything could happen until then. If he worries the future now, it would be no fun in dealing with his every day’s life.

------------------

Jin blinked at the figure who just walked pass him and he called her out before she could disappear further “Seul, you are awake?” she jolted and turned to face Jin nervously.

“Are you awake already? I am so sorry, I overslept Jin. Let me prepare the breakfast!” she walked over to Jin with guilt.

“Hey don’t worry Seul. It is my duty. Today, I want you to eat my cooking. May I know why are you coming out from that way?” he blinked, taking a good look at Seul’s flushed face.

Seul rubbed her arms, trying to find perfect answers which did not sound suspicious “I couldn’t sleep yesterday. I stayed in the lounge until I fell asleep” Jin lips was formed into an ‘o’ shape with a bright smile.

“Good morning hyu-“Jimin cleared his throat realizing the older guy had woken up and was interrogating Seul. She cursed in her head in frustration when she heard Jimin’s voice boomed across the hall. That called for another trouble.

Jin eyed the two suspiciously “And why are you not in your room, may I ask?” he probed with a hint of jealousy.

“I…fall asleep in Jungkook’s room.. We got carried away and we really had a long talk” he lied. Jimin and Seul exchanged nervous glance as both of them felt their brain momentarily froze due to Jin’s sudden appearance this morning.

“Really? Hurm.. Okay then.. go wash up and wake up others” a sigh of relief escaped from their lips. Jin bought it and that was good enough. Fleeing from the scene, Jimin quickly entered his room before he could ask him more question.

Jin travelled his eyes to Seul “You too go wash up. I will prepare breakfast for us alright?” he hushed her out from his territory causing the girl to pout in protest. She complied to Jin’s request anyways because after all, he almost caught her red handed a few second ago. How awful would it be if Jin found out Jimin and her fell asleep on the couch together?

Everyone was in the dining room an hour later, and for some reason the thick atmosphere was no longer there. Instead, the breakfast turned out to be lively and filled with laughter from every corner. The boys made Seul felt comfortable and she was grateful none of them brought up the sensitive topic anymore. So, they had decided to follow the flow and not to pressure themselves over petty things. Since Jimin and Jungkook had decided to play it nicely, there was nothing to be worried off.

Hoseok on the other hand had the time of his life, goofing around with Seul which she enjoyed every second the guy cracked his silly jokes. In fact, Kim Taehyung also showed his silly side making everyone cringe at his randomness. Everyone had opened up to each other and to have Seul in the picture gave more colours to their already meaningful life. After breakfast, Seul cleaned up the place like she usually does but only this time the boys offered their hands to help.

No matter how much she insisted of doing it alone, they were all stubborn. They only allowed her to do the laundry and cleaned the living room and their private lounge. Namjoon ordered his members to clean their own room which they complied without any complain. Even for the lazy bum Jungkook, surprisingly he was the first one to finish off the cleaning. Therefore, he went to Seul helping her with the laundry.

She had given up to nag or show her protest, so she let the boy to help. In exchanged of that, Seul had a good chat with Jungkook. It felt better to have conversation with Jungkook without his mask on. This felt too real to be truth, but this guy was down to earth. Every Bangtan members was not as snobby as she thought they appeared to be. They were not just effortlessly beautiful, but they were kind and relatable.

Relatable, that was the perfect way to describe them.

After good one-hour spring cleaning with Bangtan, they were ready to leave for their practice. Seul too was getting ready to leave for work, she bowed showing off her gratitude for letting her stay over a day “Thank you for letting me stay” she smiled.

“Need I to remind you this is your workplace too. Don’t be formal. We are glad to have you around” Jin ruffled her hair only to receive a low protest from Seul. She shot him a glare for messing up her hair. Jin raised his hand in defeat and shrugged.

“It is fun to clean the dorm with you Seul. Will we be able to meet you again next time?” Taehyung had a big fat smile across his face causing to squeal over his cuteness. “Of course, there will always be next time” she jabbed his arm playfully.

“Leave before your manager come up hunting you down. Have a good day ahead everyone” she waved as she watched one by one of them leaving. Jungkook gave her a brief hug with a wink, causing her to blush instantly.

She deadpanned mentally, trying to get used to his affection towards him.

Yoongi was fall behind and the sight in front of him, annoyed him to the core. He shoved his hand in his pocket pulling out a small paper resembled the sticky note. Scrutinizing his straight face, Seul looked down on her hand when he slipped the note on her palm.

“What is this?”

“Tomorrow, 4PM. Bungee jumping. It is a date” he dashed off without saying more. Seul gawked not believing what she just heard few seconds ago. Did Yoongi just ask her out for a date? It came to her realization; the small note was an admission ticket to the bungee jumping thing.

Does it mean, it isn’t just Jimin. Yoongi too? She grunted under her sharp breath. Seul was making sense out of this again. How was it possible to have three guys chasing after her fragile heart?

#btscaretaker #bts fics #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #btsfic #yoongi x oc #jungkook x oc #bts x oc #jungkook fluff #yoongi romance #bts idolau #bts series #namjoon x oc #taehyung x oc #jin x oc #jimin x oc #hoseok x oc

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smamrpmemes · 4 years ago

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some of my favourite bmth songs

mantra // bring me the horizon.

"do you wanna start a cult with me?"

"i need a purpose, i can't keep surfing through this existential misery."

"before the truth will set you free, it'll piss you off."

"and i know this doesn't make a lot of sense, but do you really wanna think about yourself now?"

"all i'm asking for's a little bit of faith."

nihilist blues // bring me the horizon.

"i've been climbing up the walls to escape the sinking feeling."

"i'm a spirit in a tomb."

"i'm going white, i'm going black, i'm going blue."

"i'm a beggar in the ruin."

"i'm lost in a labyrinth."

"please don't follow."

drown // bring me the horizon.

"got a hole in my soul, growing deeper and deeper."

"and i can't take one more moment of this silence -- the loneliness is haunting me."

"and the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up."

"it comes in waves, i close my eyes, hold my breath and let it bury me."

"i'm not okay and it's not alright."

"who will fix me now?"

"save me from myself, don't let me drown."

"what doesn't destroy you leaves you broken instead."

"you know that i can't do this on my own."

¿ // bring me the horizon.

"another bad dream."

"got mud on my face, but i can't get clean."

"taking showers every hour and i choke on steam."

"guess our fairy tale had a few plot holes."

±ªþ³§ // bring me the horizon.

"hold on, amend me. my anxiety's just about to kick in."

"you taste different."

"it's nothing like before, yeah, what's missing?"

"i liked it when it hurt."

"doing my best, stick around, but when you're broken like me you gotta get out."

"and it's nights like these when i'm on my own, realise that you'll never feel like home."

"i played with fire and i got burned."

"death-defying decisions are the only ones that make my temper glisten."

"i'm sorry, but you got it twisted."

"now i'm out my comfort zone."

"so i try my best to sing along, but when i'm put up on the spot, i get it wrong."

"moments we shared, i only ever see them in my nightmares. don't wanna wake up."

"we existed, you gave me reason for you living. you set me on fire."

"i'm somewhere else. i want suffering again."

dear diary, // bring me the horizon.

"the sky is falling, it's fucking boring. i'm going braindead, isolated."

"god is a shithead and we're his rejects."

"traumatised for breakfast, i can't stomach anymore survival horror."

"i keep fading in and out, i don't know where i've been."

"what the hell is happening?"

"kinda sad my whole existence's been a waste."

"ah, never mind, it's not the end of the world. oh, wait."

teardrops // bring me the horizon.

"we hurt ourselves for fun."

"addicted to a lonely kind of love."

"what i wanna know is how we got this stressed out, paranoid."

"nothing makes me sadder than my head."

"i'm running outta teardrops, let it hurt till it stops."

"i can't keep my grip, i'm slipping away from me."

"oh, god, everything is so fucked, but i can't feel a thing."

"the emptiness is heavier than you think."

"i'm tripping on the edge."

"lost my halo, now i'm my own anti-christ."

1x1 // bring me the horizon.

"put me out of my misery."

"disconnected from the world again."

"so why you keep acting like i don't exist?"

"yeah, feel like i'm ready to die."

"i'd set myself on fire to feel the burn."

"i'm scared that i'm never going to be repaired."

"my mind feels like an archenemy."

"i don't know what hurts the most: holding on or letting go."

"reliving my memories, and they're killing me one by one."

"sabotaged myself a again."

"got a brain like a hurricane."

"and i don't even care, no."

"oh, got me sinking to a dark place."

"think i'm looking at a long night."

"i'm alone, i'm alone, i'm alone."

"terrified i'm numb."

"and i'm staring into the void again."

"no one knows what a mess i'm in."

"the voices in my head say i'm just being paranoid."

"but it's bad for my health, how much i hate myself."

chelsea smile // bring me the horizon.

"i've got a secret."

"it's on the tip of my tongue."

"i'm gonna keep it."

"i know something you don't know."

"it sits in silence, eats at me."

"this guilt could fill a fucking sea."

"now falling and failing is all i know."

"i counted my blessings, now i'll count this curse."

"the only thing i realy know: i can't sleep at night."

"i'm buried and breathing in regret."

"i may look happy, but honestly dear, the only way i'll really smile is you cut me ear to ear."

"repent! repent! the end is nigh!"

"these secrets will kill us!"

"so get on your knees and pray for forgiveness!"

"we all carry these thigns that no one else can see."

"they hold us down like anchors, they drown us out at sea."

"i look up to the sky, there may be nothing there to see."

"but if i don't believe in him, why would he believe in me?"

sleep with one eye open // bring me the horizon.

"you took what you wanted and left, like locusts."

"everything i gave to you, everything that we've been through."

"you bled me dry and then left, like leeches."

"go, you got what you could, now leave, like vultures."

"ripped apart in minutes what was built in seven years."

"if i had it my way i'd slit your throat with the knife that you left in my back."

"all this shame, all this guilt, all this regret, that's me."

"and this is your world, fucking falling apart, mate, from the inside out."

"you got hell to pay."

"and you better fucking bow down to me, you better beg for mercy."

"get on your fucking knees and cry me a fucking river."

the sadness will never end // bring me the horizon.

"we've walked this path for far too long."

"i'm choking on my words like i got noose around my neck."

"and dear, i fear that this ship is sinking tonight."

"i won't give up on you, these scars won't tear us apart."

"so don't give up on me, it's not too late for us."

"and i'll save you from yourself."

"i'm not coming home tonight."

"is there hope for us?"

"can we make it out alive?"

"I can taste the failure on your lips."

"there's nothing we can do."

"you're trapped in your past like it's six feet under."

"try to numb the pain with alcohol or pills, but it won't repair your trust."

"you can't stand on two fucking feet with a substance as a crutch."

#rp memes #sentence starters #lyric memes

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fanfoolishness · 5 years ago

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Steven Universe: Future thoughts

Spoilers for the first four episodes below the jump! All sorts of rambling ahead! Please message me or reblog to share your thoughts, I wanna talk about it all!

I’ll try to organize things by episode. I won’t be able to rewatch them until they go up on Apple TV so this is all off the cuff. AHOY!

1x01 Little Homeschool

Steven has White, Blue and Yellow essences in his bathroom cupboard. Maybe keep a bottle of your own spit just to be safe? You never know?

Aww Cherry Quartz is cute. Did she actually get named? I assume that’s who that is.

I had thought that shot in the trailer was going to be Pink Smoky Quartz. I was wrong, but then we DO get Pink Smoky Quartz next episode ahhhh!

We all know Steven drew that picture of himself and the Diamonds on the brochure.

I like to think that Steven keeps up with his drawing during quiet times, and while he isn’t technically great, most 16-year-old artists aren’t great per se. What’s important is that he keeps doing it and he’ll keep getting better!

Little Homeschool looks awesome and I want to go make some morps with Vidalia. Wait, were Lapis and Peridot there? I don’t remember. They should be!

I’m so glad Jasper isn’t the big bad!!! And I love that she’s just antisocial but not actively harming anyone (beetles and grass aside).

Still no explanation for the blanket, I love it

STEVEN GO OFF, YOU TELL HER NOT TO HURT THAT BEETLE

Whoa Steven, that rage is juuuuust below the surface these days, isn’t it? I get being annoyed at Jasper and I’m sure this isn’t the first time they’ve had this discussion but he really does just go off on her pretty damn quickly, and several times.

I am concerned that he referenced her corrupting herself. I DON’T WANT CORRUPTED STEVEN Y’ALL, this better not be foreshadowing!!!!!

Honestly Jasper just needs to get into wrestling, I’m shocked Amethyst and Steven haven’t pointed this out to her

I’m dying at her attacking all the Earthlings in her little radius

Awww Steven, at first he’s really intrigued by Diamond Mode and wants to learn how to use it better. So optimistic!

Except you totally killed about 10 conifers and only healed one, so way to hurt the forest dude

Am I the only one wondering how conflicted Dr. Maheswaren must feel, knowing Steven can heal all this crazy shit and that a) she’s toiling at doing it the old-fashioned way, b) he could really help her patients, and c) he isn’t?

Looking forward to seeing Steven and Jasper talk again, but I really hope it’s not because Steven’s been corrupted and is trying to get over it. Urrrgh no ;_;

I do want to see if she has tips for how to control anger. Or how to use it and learn from it. But I’m not sure she knows either.

Steven is a shark. Because if he’s not swimming, he’s sinking. And swimming to him is helping people. If he can’t do that, if he can’t do what he’s supposed to do in his mind, what is he doing? He’s gonna sink this season and it’s gonna be FUCKING SPECTACULAR.

1x02 Guidance

Amethyst is so proud of herself! It’s awesome!

Steven is clearly a little uncomfortable that he didn’t come up with the idea, isn’t he? He also has a hard time figuring out that there are ways to use what you’re made for instead of having to run from it. Of course, that isn’t true for everyone. Little Larimar did love screams and children more than ice. The best lesson is that people are different, some are comfortable working in a certain zone whereas others need to struggle past it to feel complete.

Amethyst was sitting in front of the Teens of Rage video game. I FEEL THIS WILL BE SIGNIFICANT Y’ALL.

I’m just so glad Mr. Smiley finally isn’t understaffed. He could take a day off and go visit Mr. Frowny!

Uncle Andy is back! Yay! And he’s getting involved with Beach City in general, I’m really happy to see him putting down some roots.

Smoky Quartz is back!

PINK SMOKY HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THEM GO

Love love love the pink/purple asides for the Steven and Amethyst debate while being Smoky Quartz

TIME SLOWING/SUPER SPEED POWERS??? I WAS NOT PREPARED

The roller coaster exploded IN THE OCEAN I can’t EVEN

So far both Steven and Amethyst are intrigued and impressed by Diamond Mode, and sure, it seems harmless now...

Steven is worried he’s losing his touch helping people. That makes me worried that that’s part of a bigger feeling, not just this particular snafu.

Amethyst being so direct is often the one who gets closest to Steven talking about his feelings. He started to go there, but then Little Larimar showed up again with their terrifying talk about screams....

1x03 Rose Buds

I’m really glad Greg and the Gems aren’t giving Steven shit about not wanting Rose to be looming over him in portrait form. Now if y’all will also TALK to Steven about how he feels about it... but at least they’re okay with him removing the portrait.

HOOOOOOLY SHIT Y’ALL

I’m so happy J-10 and Y-6 are back!

OMFG they are NOT over Greg and it’s amazing

GAH-REG HOW COULD YOU

I’m glad the Zoomans are in control of their own destiny and able to go where they wish!

no no no no no no no no no no we all know what’s coming here

Coming face to face with Rose Quartzes = instant KO for one Steven Universe

I almost had a panic attack with him as the Roses clustered around him and the music got tenser and tenser and the camera zoomed in on his face and that was fucking INTENSE PEOPLE

Greg seeing the Roses and just noping the fuck outta there, amazing, everyone in this family is so repressed

Poor Garnet and Pearl hiding in the bathroom

“Yeah, it’s weird”

Poor Rose Quartz-who-most-looks-like-our-Rose-Quartz, it’s clear she is much more emotionally in tune than the other two (due to her belly gem placement?)

STEVEN GOT NEW PAJAMAS

but let him sleep shirtless you cowards!

Also he just looked... so GROWNUP in that scene by the warp pad? His proportions were just no longer little kidlike? And he is still cutely beefy but not really little-kid chubby anymore and teen me would have had it BAD for him at this point, I’m just sayin’

Steven is S O O O O S T R E S S E D R I G H T N O W

he’s eating his fucking blanket in an attempt to not talk about his problems I CAN’T

also HAVE WE NOTICED that Steven will eventually end up telling strangers at least some of what’s bothering him, but never the people who actually love and care about him

this episode was so damn tense it is masterful

I’m glad they managed to talk things out a little

but clearly Steven is still, as always, just scratching the surface, this poor kid just needs to GO OFF.

did he go pink in this one from stress for a second? Or was that the next one?

1x04 Volleyball

You cannot tell me that that white coat is not a hand-me-down from Dr. Maheswaren, it is CANON IN MY MIND

also damn how many Gems are cracking themselves right and left that this needs to happen regularly?

seriously though Steven, you might just want to get a spittoon and start sending one to every hospital ever, you would undo A LOT of human suffering....

Steven honey I’m so sorry your mom did you so wrong and I’m so sorry you’re so scared of everything to do with her and NONE OF IT IS YOUR FAULT OKAY

but maybe also you need to learn how to face some of this stuff so it doesn’t scare you so badly

Poor Pink Pearl!

Volleyball? Seriously Steven? so insensitive how do you know Pink didn’t throw a volleyball at her head

Poor Pearl and Volleyball feeling so jealous about each other

Volleyball is 8000 years old?? damn how old was Pink?

oooooooh the Reef! so cool and mysterious! Look at all those Pearl possibilities!

So Pink damaged her Pearl, and she sent her to the Reef for repair. They fixed her gem, but when she reformed, the trauma was still so severe that she reformed with the crack. Oh man :(

Now again I don’t want Corrupted Steven but you could probably wrangle that into support for the theory.

I prefer to think that Steven will do something different than straight-up Corruption to himself, but we could see something like the crack form instead of Corruption.

Willing himself into a monster form only works if he thinks of himself completely as a monster. Right now he thinks Pink is the monster, and he thinks, finally, that he isn’t Pink. So either he’d have to really hurt somebody and then view himself as a monster, or, my preference, he would develop something like a scar or pink eyes or stay pink all the time or something until he’s figured out his issues.

I JUST DON’T WANT HIM TO HAVE HORNS, YOU GUYS.

Pearl WAS protecting Volleyball from Steven oh NOOOOO

STEVEN SONIC SCREAM

So we’ve got Diamond Mode Strength, Super Speed, and Sonic Scream, man oh man oh man

this finally makes sense because all the other Diamonds have such well-developed offensive powers

Pink must have been like “no those are dangerous I don’t want them, what else can I do” and developed her healing powers secretly

I always wondered why the Diamonds never recognized Rose Quartz’s healing tears or shield as belonging to Pink

And it must be that she never showed it to them

They maybe only knew about her offensive powers

MEGA PEARL IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND WISE AND HER RIBBON DANCING IS SO MAGNIFICENT AND I LOVE THEM JUST TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER YOU TWO

I can’t believe we got a new fusion so quickly!!!!

Fuck that bitch Shell amirite

look, someone help Steven.

Please help Steven.

HELP. STEVEN.

No new trailer for next week???? COWARDS

omg someone please please scream about all this with me

#steven universe spoilers #steven universe future #steven universe future spoilers #suf spoilers #suf #steven universe: future #steven universe: future spoilers #spoilers #steven universe #su:f spoilers #su:f #haha i have tagged this to high heaven #it's a long-ass post!#please feel free to message me or reblog to share your own thoughts!!!!#fanfoolishness su meta

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shaynawrites23 · 5 years ago

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I’m Glad You’re Okay

I’m just going to post my Wattpad imagines here one by one...

You and (C/N) both play in an orchestra here. I put (C/N)'s instrument as oboe and you play a string instrument, if that's not the case feel free to change it!

Word count: 1823

(C/N) = crush's name

(Y/N) = your name

(C/E/C) = crush's eye color

(Co/N) = conductor's name

You let out a sigh of relief, walking out of the classroom of your third musical activity today. You didn't understand why they all had to be on the same day. Theory, instrument and orchestra. It was Saturday, and you just had a one hour theory class, one hour instrument class and a three hour orchestra rehearsal, and in two hours you had a concert. Thankfully you had breaks of half an hour each in between, else you don't think you would have survived the first time.

You zoned out while walking, thinking about your day when you heard a pained cry. Without a second thought you walked as quickly as you could over to where you thought the cry came from. You heard footsteps running away, probably because they heard you coming. Your black heels clicked as you walked, and soon you found out who was in trouble. You gasped at the sight.

A boy sat on the floor, head leaning against the wall behind him as if he didn't have any energy left. His eyes were closed, and you noticed bruises beginning to form on his face. Then you realized; it was (C/N), your crush from orchestra. His chest was rising up and down, which was a relief, he was alive. What worried you however, was not only the sight of those bruises, which you were sure he had all over his body by now, but also the small specks of red dotting his white dress shirt. You tried to stay levelheaded, not wanting to panic, but you were sure that it was blood, his blood.

You knelt down next to him, heart beating faster. Whether it was out of concern for him or simply being near him, you didn't know and you didn't care. You placed your hand on his cheek, your touch light as a feather, but he still flinched away from your touch.

'No more- please, I'm sorry...' His voice came out barely more than a whisper. You could almost feel your heart shatter at his tone. At least he was conscious, but still, he probably needed medical attention...

'Hey, (C/N), it's me, (Y/N).' You spoke softly, not wanting to scare him. His (C/E/C) eyes flew open at your voice.

'(Y/N), what are you doing here?' Your chest hurt physically at hearing his defeated tone, as if he didn't expect anyone to come help him. 'How long was he suffering?' You wondered. 'And what happened to him? As far as I know, he doesn't get bullied...'

'Shhh, I'm here to help. Do you want to see (Co/N)?' He shook his head slightly, wincing at the pain shooting through his neck. You let out a worried sigh. You had two siblings, so you knew more or less how to handle small accidents, but firstly you didn't know how serious it was, and secondly you didn't want to leave him alone in case they came back.

'Look, (C/N), I have to go get some things to help you. Do you think they're gonna come back?' You asked him.

He shook his head again weakly, saying, 'You know them, they were just in a bad mood and I was unlucky enough to run into them. They would have taken it out on anyone, I'm not usually their victim.'

'Alright then, stay here. I'm going to see if I can get some supplies to take care of you. I'll leave my things here, hopefully that'll deter them from coming back.' You smiled at him reassuringly before standing and walking off as fast as you could in your heels. You looked for (Co/N), relief washing over you when you found them. A quick explanation sufficed to enlighten them about the situation, and they immediately left, coming back in less than two minutes with an ice pack and a first aid kit. You thanked them before making your way back to (C/N).

Approaching the spot where you left the boy, you heard angry voices, and it sounded like they were in a bit of a skirmish. You walked down the hall faster in alarm, and the sight you saw upon turning the corner this time made you even angrier. The four bullies- three boys and a girl- who had gained a notorious reputation for themselves in your neighborhood stood over him, mocking him, punctuating each insult with a punch or a kick. They all had some scratches or bruises on themselves, which meant that (C/N) must have defended himself before they overwhelmed him.

'Hey, you there! What are you doing?' You called, placing everything you were holding down and announcing your presence. All heads turned towards you. You wore a ticked off expression, crossing your arms. The girl came to stand before you, leaning over so that you could feel her breath.

'Now listen honey, this isn't any of your business. So how about you get outta here and don't tell anyone about this.' You knew she wanted to intimidate you, so you steeled yourself, keeping your expression neutral.

'No thanks, honey. You see, I would much rather you leave him alone.' You were surprised at how your voice didn't quiver, but you didn't let your expression waver. The males in their little clique stepped forward, not afraid to make you leave forcefully if they had to.

'I'll give you two options. One. You all leave calmly this very instant and leave (C/N) alone. The alternative is that I call (Co/N). Or on second thought, maybe the police. I'm not sure how lightly they take physical assault.' You grabbed your phone, pretending to enter the number of your local police station.

The girl growled, shoving you aside while passing. The others did the same, the last one taking it a step further and shoving you against the wall, growling, 'We're gonna get you for this.'

You didn't know how to react, but kept your face stoic. He let you go, rejoining his companions. Only then did you dare breathe a sigh of relief.

'Did they hurt you?' You asked gently, helping (C/N) sit against the wall once more. He flinched involuntarily at your touch, grunting softly.

'Don't worry, (Y/N).' Well, that's what he said, but you could see it in his eyes, and your heart broke a little more at the thought of them hurting him even more than they already had. It made you want to wrap him up in a blanket, keep him safe and never let anyone else near him again.

You pressed the ice pack against his cheek. He winced at the cold temperature but didn't protest. He held it against his face himself while you unbuttoned his shirt. With his permission, of course.

Thankfully other than a few cuts and a lot of bruises he was fine, and you buttoned up his shirt again, though you were adamant on his not participating in the concert. Thankfully he didn't mind missing it. You decided to stay with him, partly to take care of him and partly to enforce your threat.

'But (Y/N), you've been looking forward to the concert for months. You love concerts,' (C/N) protested.

'I know, but you're more important. It's okay, really. There'll always be other concerts.' You reassured him. You grabbed your phone. 'I'll call (Co/N) now and tell him we're not coming.'

You dialed the number, standing a short distance away to call. (Co/N) expected it, already having found a replacement for (C/N), since he was the lead oboist. Since you sat among the string instruments, there was no need for a replacement for you.

'There, all settled. Do you want to stay here or would you rather go somewhere more comfortable?' You asked, taking the ice pack from him so you could check if it was swollen.

'I'd rather stay here.' He mumbled.

'Okay.' You rummaged in your bag for a moment, pulling out a pack of cookies, handing them to (C/N). 'Here, you should eat.'

'Thanks, (Y/N).' He smiled at you, taking a cookie. You wondered if you should call his parents to inform them of the incident. You voiced the question to (C/N) and he shook his head.

'They'll come later for the concert anyway. We can tell them then.'

You agreed, and the two of you sat in comfortable silence, you occasionally checking on his bruises and holding the ice pack for him, while he laughed, insisting he could do it himself. You talked about random things, telling stories, and having fun, to the point that you lost track of time. When you next glanced down at your watch, you noticed that the concert had nearly ended, so you helped (C/N) up and you two made your way to the reception hall to wait for his parents.

Soon enough the doors opened and people came flooding out. You and (C/N) waited to see if anyone would recognize him and approach you two. After a while of watching people pass by, (C/N) pointed out a couple worriedly talking among themselves, so you made your way towards them.

'(C/N), honey, what happened?' The woman, his mother, asked, her hand flying to her mouth. You explained the incident that took place, and by the time you were finished, his dad was practically fuming.

'I swear, I'm going to call their parents right this instant! I've got half a mind to press charges, too!' He walked off to stand a bit further away, pacing back and forth while holding his phone to his ear. His mother inspected the bruises on his face, and you could almost see the concern growing in her eyes.

'Come, honey, as soon as your dad has finished yelling at those parents, we're going home. You need rest and a new ice pack.'

(C/N) proceeded to tell her about how you had helped him, and how you stood up to the infamous bullies in order for them to leave him alone. You blushed, in your opinion he was exaggerating, though deep down you knew that it was not such a little thing. His mother thanked you for taking care of him, and you replied that you didn't even consider leaving him there. You almost told her exactly how much you cared for him, but you caught yourself at the last moment.

The dad returned, and the family turned to leave when you spoke up.

'(C/N)?'

He turned back towards you, and before you knew it you were hugging him, mindful of his bruises.

'I'm glad you're okay.' You said. He hugged you back, smiling softly.

'Thanks to you I am.' He replied, pulling away when his mom called him. 'I'll see you next week, okay?'

'Okay, see ya, (C/N).' You waved after him as he left before going to look for your own parents.

I honestly don't know where this idea came from. I put (C/N)'s instrument as oboe because my crush plays lead oboe in my orchestra, while I'm just another girl in the sea of violins..

I hope you enjoyed!

#crushes #crushimagines #crushxreader #crushxyou #femalereader #xreader #hurt #crush fluff #crush oneshot #love #romance #oneshot

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sole-cuore-amore-e-droga · 6 years ago

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Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Australia to Eurovision with the Statue of Liberty's opera number

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It took 4 years for Australia to figure out one day, “you know what would improve our chances with the viewing audience that’s tired of bland and easily produced pop? That’s right, a GODDAMN NATIONAL FINAL!!!! anyone here agreeing, mates? ehhh???”. And so we finally had an Australia Decides - the whateverth of many of the NFs to be added to the NF family. Where only the best of the best Australian acts compete for their title to get to Eurovision. The last Australian NFs I’ve seen before then were fan-made NFs for online Eurovision fan contests. And they were fun, but now they’re not as fun anymore as a real life-sized counterpart, with shorter than 1 week voting periods, real live performances of totally new songs, all on the same arena, and actual hosts instead of the short but clear instructions of “here are the songs, here are the voting details”. Good times.

Rather exciting the show was, full of anything AND everything. And what did it birth? The first ever totally white Australian participant (nothing wrong with it, it’s just that other 4 ones were of more exciting descents than European), Kate Miller-Heidke. The surprisingly older-than-she-looks operatic blonde with a sizeable career to boot, with nice songs on her overall repertoir (and a chubby lil bun of a son :3). I admit I knew of her from one of those mentioned online fan contests, at the very time one of her songs “Sarah” was popular in a fan circle of like 150-200 people. Since then I heard two more of her songs, so when she (and Sheppard) were announced as part of the Australia Decides lineup, I was excited because of the “automatic name recognition alert!!!” triggering in my head. And I hoped her song is as exciting.

But then I did listen to “Zero Gravity”. And I got confused.

But then again, it’s Kate. I had this moment of realisation that I actually am not a huge fan of her music overall? Just a couple of songs here and there, and probably that’s all. The other ones that I listened to that aren’t those ‘couple of songs’ are nice, but something that I’d only listen to volutarily to torture my inner state of mind.

For me the problem probably arises from the fact that I don’t feel the song’s structure and a lot of things feel like unfinished (because it takes a humongously long time between songlines ksksksk). But at the same time it might as well be the point of the song?? As far as I remember this is very much so about mental issues and how is one trying to break free off them while entering the “ze-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-eeeeeee-ro gra-a-a-a-a-a-aaaaaaa-vity”, and the “stone in shoe” thing (don’t you hate it when you find tiny-ass pebbles in your shoes, guys? cuz I do!!! let alone finding bigger sized ones like Kate just did!!!). Whatever’s keeping her down this time. But for some reason I don’t quite think that Eurovision has really been graced with great mental issue songs - Malta last year was just a cheap pop song stuck in the early 2010s with its dubstep sound; Romania last year was just an average teen sitcom background rock song, and it’s a shame about it being all that forgotten by others because I just happened to like it more and I feel for all those that feel depressed about their own existence and feel like saying “goodbye cruel world, I’ll see you never again anymore”. It feels odd not wanting to break the taboo before I become an animal or going where there’s zero gravity with these songs, yanno what I mean??

BUT! I didn’t say I hate that song. It has its qualities. Like, the verses are pretty decent, it’s just that the chorus feels completely detaching from my interest, which baffles me because I wanna like it more. We have these standard 00s mild-synthpop-like choruses and Kate’s blissful singing into your ear (ffs she starts her verses with “hey you” with THAT vocal sound. You don’t feel like turning up to her to ask “yes”??) on top of them, and then the chorus buildup feels like a helium balloon ride I wanna be let go of already. Alright, well, the 1st post-chorus doesn’t sound TOO bad... but the 2nd one, I’m not really a huge fan of it when she vocally warms up and then SPITS the opera vocals at me scarily. I’m spooked out. And then the last minute of the song is spent with sounding like it’s taken from a cheap-rent theatre play (I say ‘cheap’ because nothing here aside Kate’s voice sounds like OTT theatrical musicals to me), now with some more of delightful opera voice and the backings reminding us all that ain’t nothin’ holdin’ Kate down no’ mo’, ayy! The ending of the song is just so painfully obviously theatrical though, where all the horns rise up and let out a final blast with the final high vocal note like a flat silver-painted chocolate star on top of a dazzling white cinnamon-lemon cake with white glaze and some red berries sprinkled around... I guess I felt excited, I guess I felt like I was carried through a musical journey, but I still ended up completely unsatisfied because there were long pauses in the song that didn’t reasonate with me all that much. My soul really has something against songs that only have two verses and two choruses and that sound like they have potential but are overally unappealing (like me not getting over at how silly “Meggyfa” from A Dal 2018 sounds with all those horsefly and DAW-produced cartooney violins thrown in the song... it should have sounded like a fairytale about a king’s cherry tree, not a peasant’s made-up hallucination of an old and dried-out cherry bush :V). There shall be the day I overcome that obstacle, but for now, I’ll keep it be...

All in all, a competently composed, but at the same time, estrangedly composed song, performed by a classical fairy princess dressed in white and decorated by glitter (and her complementary backings that are cheerful enough sounding for a pop and/or tune). And the entry shines bright, too. As much as Kate’s beautiful teeth and shiny red lips - a perfect combo that could potentially scare an audience for being too perfect.

Approval factor: I’m on a fence with this one, yet again, but my views are leanings toward a mild non-approval. Though objectively I do approve this because it’s finally not a safe-ass entry that is just there to keep Australia afloat on Eurovision, but subjectively... it will take me several lightyears just to get over that severely cheap-ish chorus.

Follow-up factor: Again, it follows up the trail of Australia’s in Eurovision nicely, being so far something totally and completely unexpected from the nation’s, and something so daring in Eurovision overall (we got plain opera songs in the past, now here’s a more popera-musical crossover song that is not anyhow as schlagertastic as that one entry performed by Greta Thunberg’s mom 10 years ago!). A step in the right direction, even if it means that I am personally still inner screaming about it, lol.

Qualification factor: it’s perfectly capable of floating through a couple of places in the territory of both a safe qualification comfort and a hellish danger zone. I’ll leave it up for juries and televotes to judge it for themselves, but for me personally? If that pink foggy cloud from Greece underperforms with no chances to come back into a better shape, I think it could lend a spot to the Oz’s even-foggier thundercloud of joy, and it could even climb up higher if people aren’t overly charmed by the other game changers of the semifinal (like Iceland and Portugal, especially Portugal). But as of now, I guess I’m indifferent anyway the wind blows, and literally anything can happen. It’s truly one of those “anything can happen” songs, I assure you 100%, and it shall be fine, and any result for it will be perceived as spectacular, imo.

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

FYI, if y’all want, you can rewitness the whole show here (before SBS sues off that for copyright reasons), but let me guide you through some of my personal highlights:

• If you guys that ever read these reviews know of any other Sheppard song than “Geronimo” then it’s okay, and it’s also okay if you don’t (and if you even haven’t heard of “Geronimo”)! I’m just saying that these guys were the first ever exciting sight in the Australia Decides lineup (along with KMH of course), and now, I’m not saying I wanted something that could top over the hit song of these guys in my personal opinion (well their actual NF song, “On My Way”, might be slightly on the path of suffering from the “it’s-no-hit-song-so-it’s-automatically-disappointing”-itis, which is incredibly contagious, especially for all the one hit wonders out there (and not only), but despite people accusing it of not being “Geronimo” here and there, I sat down, listened and simply liked it), I am just saying to stop throwing shit at the artist just because their management is worse than their music. Yeah! Remember the time it was uncovered that Sheppard is funded by their parents’ business being torturous? There are Papua New Guinean asylum seekers locked away in a faraway island where all kinds of shit happens - abuse, torture, rape... and the parent Sheppard is responsible for all this (well actually he’s only 1/3 of the responsible men), and he makes profit off it. That’s disgusting to the max, I know, and by no means I support this pasttime, but I really hope that the Sheppard kids don’t support the way their parents get the money to fund their hopes and dreams, otherwise... well anti-stans you were right. I might as well begin regretting stanning Sheppard now but for a dumb bitch I am there always exist a shard from a broken hope I can hang on to just in case things would get better. Just like the time when Kesha broke free from the Ke$ha image at the time it came out to light that her former producer, Dr. Luke, is THAT kind of guy. Anyway, if there are people down here that sometimes come for the music and not for the backstory, I’ll leave a video for Sheppard’s entry, which wouldn’t have come onto Australia Decides if not for the Sheppard fans (that they still had before the mentioned incident?) that encouraged them to go ^_^ Is your love for this song on fire? (probably not but I still am asking b/c fuck it)

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• I know what you’re thinking, so I’ll include Electric Fields as well. And with a good enough cause because I liked their song too, just like many people did. “2000 and Whatever” mixes electronic music with a relatable message for all the millenials out there who don’t want to “live forever”, Aboriginal sounds and cool inclusion of new and unheard-in-Eurovision-before language(s?) and all in all would have definitely made a more kickass Australian entry for this year. And what’s the best about it? They didn’t need to have a big fanbase like Sheppard’s or a relatively middle-sized abroad but big inside like Kate’s. They did THAT by being incredibly fun and unique and gained both national AND international fans with their one year Australia Decides stint, and now the fans are hopeful to see this duo come out on another Australia Decides in the future. I salute their newborn fanbase for being so passionate and hopeful already. Oh, and of course, they got a meme out of their way at the same time without even needing to win (which wouldn’t have happened if not for SBS’s care to translate different languages than their own):

casually describing the jury chatter on National Finals like

But my favourite moment of the performance that they had is when the lead singstress let go of her headscarf to show off her beautiful long dreads to the viewing audience <3333

• For those combined fans of both ESC and RuPaul’s Drag Race, Australia fished out a special surprise with Courtney Act (what, you thought all drag race queens have had to be American of origin?!) being on the lineup as well! Together with several other dancers, she presented “Fight for Love” (not to be confused with Dami Im’s “Fighting for Love”) on the Gold Coast stage - just your typical soft club banger with tight red dressing reminiscent of Lady Gaga’s eccentric costume era and Courtney’s special stare:

I HAVE SPECIAL EYES

(what’s more hilolololarious is that Logo, who aired BOTH ESC AND RDP, has not gotten a renewed contract for Eurovision this year, which means that if Courtney DID win, the Muricans would not be able to see a drag alum they might have loved at some point! As they already cannot broadcast Lady Madge, the only American performing on show, flashing her covered-up sponge pudding. A devastation <3)

• Hey, let’s not underestimate the other acts, too! There were 6 others that I didn’t mention, and among them my favourites were Ella Hooper (as during her performance I felt like I was watching that Shania Twain concert DVD again with her outfit being as outstanding as in this video) and Alfie Arcuri (one of the other names I heard before just like Kate and Sheppard - it’s a homosexual guy that feels confident enough with his sexuality by turning his struggles to songs!), and Leea Nanos (a 16 year old girlie who, like Electric Fields, don’t really have fans, but she came here to have a good time and performed confidently enough for her age! *clap* *clap*) wasn’t so bad, either.

• Australia Decides as a whole is a thing to remember. Not too annoying hosts? Check. Beautiful introductionary postcards (involving the NF guys going around to enjoy nature, talking some more about themselves and a specific soundshape for each act at the end of each postcards)? Check. (Fun) Interviews with the contestants and interval acts?? Yeah, you can check that as well. Behind-the-scenes get-togethers of every one of the participants and them getting to partake in a fun questionnaire?? Wow, they even have that!!! All in all I admired this slick production, the smooth flow and the nice details that went into this whole event. Thumbs up on that one! First organisational pancake did not burn up.

• Then again, every single one of those nice ones have to have an ugly interval act hidden somewhere, like, the German drag-like caricature that appeared on AGT not so long ago, Hans from Adelaide, who did a Eurovision medley and included “Ooh Aah (Just a Little Bit)” in it as well... needless to say, the fandom didn’t approve of that, and obviously the Måns's version from EYD was better.

• Also also, what do other NFs don’t do that Australia Decides just did this year??? A REJECTED ENTRIES COMPILATION SHOWCASE!!! Damn straight! When was the last time you’ve seen one of these? At least SOME recognition given for those songs that were close enough but the NF compilers found much better songs than those ones so those other ones just didn’t get their chance... amazing considering I believe I’ve never seen a thing like that before. There indeed were some rejected NF songs that are marginably better than some from the actual list. And thanks to Australia Decides showing them, they’ll never be any other NFs rejects ever again, unlike the Melodifestivalen/DMGP/etc. ones. Yeehaw. Maybe this serves as a ladder of hope for those rejectees to get up and try again so we’ll see them in another edition?

• Let’s not forget Kate herself. She did come down at us as the Australian version of Statue of Liberty (as the title of this write-up suggests, youhouuuuu) that looks more like someone’s unused Miss Universe national costume, but still very goddamn dazzling. And the rando flying above her presence that couldn’t be “holding [her] down”. What would have been any other way to present a mental issues awareness song than that. Majestic. I’d printscreen her dress for this one in full motion but I’d rather put down this picture with a more interesting shirt choice walking nearby the Australian Eurovision songstress while she was getting down to be ready for her winner’s reprise. I’m sure you’ll be able to see the dress in this too!

(if only I could use some extra fries in life!! =( )

All in all, I applaud the Down Under-ners for a succesful kickstart in the NF business, and I really hope SBS invests in this more than just calling up DNA Productions again to find themselves a starlet from an old Australian Idol/X Factor season that’s of different descent as always and slap a pop tune onto their discography with which they gotta go with to ESC. Would be incredigood. Thanks.

I’ll wrap this cumbersome beauty up by wishing the whimsical beauty Kate all the best in Tel Aviv! Hope your infected foot did not ruin the fun for you, dear sis.

#eurovision 2019 #tel aviv 2019 reviews #australia 2019 #kate miller-heidke #zero gravity #australia

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pedroscurls · 7 years ago

Photo

Title: Opposites Attract

Character(s): The Comedian and Rose (Aphrodite/original female character) Prompt: Ares (God of War) and Aphrodite (Goddess of Love and Beauty) Summary: Can the God of War and the Goddess of Love and Beauty -- both opposite sides of the spectrum -- find a way to meet in the middle? Word Count: 2,882 Warning: SMUT! Author’s Note: Okay, so this is highly out of my comfort zone. I had to do tons of research and Greek mythology (and found it incredibly interesting by the way!) So, thank you @jeffreydeanneganstrash for hosting this writing challenge! I had been yearning to write for The Comedian, so when I saw that Ares was still open, I had to take it. I hope you all enjoy! And congrats on the 1k! You deserve it! :-)

(GIF Source: @hughxjackman) || (Art source: kamillyonsiya)

The Comedian was unaware of who this woman was. He was in the middle of a fight, but somehow, his attention was not focused on the screams of the unfortunate. Usually, The Comedian took pleasure and joy in seeing his enemy die right before his eyes.

But this woman… She was captivating him. She wasn’t saying a word nor running away from the dangers this war brought. Instead, she was simply standing there with her eyes glued onto the man with the mask.

“Get out of here,” he shouted.

She didn’t flinch, but instead, the mysterious woman turned around and walked away as she was told.

The Comedian watched her carefully, his eyes trailing her backside slowly. Though, for once, he wasn’t thinking of different ways to get her to submit to him. He was wondering when the next time he would see her, if it was possible. He went home that night with lingering thoughts about the mysterious woman. She plagued his usual nightmares and turned it into dreams where he could imagine a future that could be beautiful.

“Fuck, who is she?” he asked himself, waking up early in the morning. The Comedian had never known to have a soft spot for anything, even women.

Edward Blake – The Comedian – had just left the headquarters for the Watchmen. He had removed his mask and was in need for a drink. He lit up his cigar and placed it between his lips, looking around the busy street.

Then, he saw her. The mysterious woman was dressed in a white gown and a red rose was pinned to her hair. The wind swept past her, cascading a perfect elegance that made time stand still. Eddie was in a trance once more. He looked at her and imagined a world free from war, blood, and death.

There was something wrong. Eddie had never felt this way before. His mind had always been tainted by the blood of his enemies, the screams of the unfortunate. He was a merciless vigilante and while the Watchmen were some sort of “hero,” Eddie was the worst of them all. He had no morals and never hesitated on killing someone.

The woman began approaching him, walking with such precision and confidence that Eddie found himself at a loss for words. Usually, he was an overconfident asshole, but he couldn’t help but allow his eyes to soften as she neared him.

“Edward Blake,” she smiled.

Eddie cleared his throat. He had to say something. Instead, he exhaled a puff of smoke into the air and looked down at her.

“Well, are you going to say something?” she giggled.

He felt his heart leap out of his chest. No woman had captivated him than this one did. Not only was he thinking of ways to fuck her, but he yearned to get to know more about her.

“Who the hell are you?” he blurted, mentally cursing to himself.

“Rose,” she blushed. “You’re The Comedian, aren’t you?”

“What’s it to you?” he cleared his throat, watching as she stepped forward into his personal space.

Rose bit her lower lip, staring into his dark eyes that had now become hooded with desire. “I’m just a curious girl wanting to know who fights our wars.”

“Women shouldn’t be thinking about wars. Especially those as pretty as you.”

“You think I’m pretty?” she fluttered her eyelashes for effect.

Eddie felt his resolve quickly diminishing. This woman was luring him into the unknown. The way she spoke and looked at him made it almost seem like she was after him, yearning for him to come out of this dark shell he locked himself in.

“That’s beside the point. War is what this world needs to set it straight,” he answered.

Rose frowned, shrugging a shoulder. “But what about love?”

“There is no such thing,” Eddie answered harshly. “Now get outta here.”

“You don’t believe in love?”

“Love?” he laughed darkly. “Do you see love around here, Rose? There is a war going on and I’ll be the one to fight it. There is no love in war.”

Rose kept her composure. It pained her to hear that this man believed there was no such thing as love. It didn’t make sense. She had been taught that despite the darkness in this world, there would always be love and beauty within.

“Love is a beautiful thing, Edward. You just have to believe in it.”

“I believe in war. I believe in watching my enemies suffer a slow and painful death.”

“That’s not necessarily a good way to live.”

He scoffed, “And who makes you the judge of that?”

“Do you have nightmares? Do you ever hear or see the faces of those you killed?” she asked.

Eddie shook his head. “Nope.”

Rose sighed, reaching out to gently rest a hand on his chest. She felt the weight that he carried on his shoulders and how deeply conflicted he was. Eddie, however, cleared his throat at the feel of her hand against him. It was in an instant that he felt and saw the beauty and love she was talking about.

He looked into her eyes and he didn’t see death. He didn’t see blood. Eddie was taken out of the darkness that he put himself into and brought out by this mysterious woman.

“Who are you?” he asked quietly.

“Rose,” she repeated with a giggle.

“That’s not what I meant. Who are you?”

She furrowed a brow. “I don’t understand the question, Edward.”

The way his name rolled off her tongue had come so easily. The more time he was spending with her, the more he felt open-minded to the world around him. He needed to get out. He was a man who enjoyed war, enjoyed fighting.

“War is my life, Rose.”

“It doesn’t have to be.”

“But it will forever be that way,” he replied quickly. “Why do you care so much about what I do?”

“I saw you the other day. You were going to kill that man, but you didn’t. Why?”

Eddie cleared his throat once more. She was right. He had been so distracted by her that he didn’t realize that she stopped him from killing a man. Instead, he let him go and it had been haunting him ever since.

“Because you were there. You distracted me,” he glared.

“I did no such thing.”

“You are not meant to be in the middle of a warzone, yet, there you were. Why don’t you tell me why you were there in the first place? You didn’t even flinch at the sound of gunfire.”

“Maybe I think that despite the blood and death, there will be something beautiful to come out of it.”

Eddie tightened his jaw, taking ahold of her wrist to pull her hand away from him. Though, when his hand latched onto her, he couldn’t find it in him to let go. Instead, he cleared his throat and looked into her eyes, taking a step forward to close the space between their bodies.

“You know what I think, Rose?”

“W – What?”

“I think you were there because you wanted to see me in action.”

She widened her eyes. “No!”

“That so?” he grinned. “You spout all this nonsense about love and beauty, but why don’t I take you inside my world, sweetheart?”

“You can’t do that.”

“Let’s see about that.” His grip around her wrist tightened and he led her down the street and into a cab. Rose shifted against him, but Eddie kept his arm draped around her waist, keeping her flush against his side. His grip around her was tight and she was sure there would be bruises later.

After the cab dropped him off at his apartment, Eddie led her upstairs and into his home. Once inside, he shut the door roughly and locked the door. Rose looked around. She wasn’t used to being in such a dark place.

However, Rose still found the beauty in his apartment.

“This is my humble abode. Go on and try and find something beautiful.”

She smiled easily, “The view is spectacular.” Rose walked to the large windows, biting her lower lip at the sight of the large buildings. The sun was just about to set so the sky was painted with a colorful hue that illuminated in her brown eyes.

Eddie arched a brow. “That’s not technically inside my apartment.”

She turned around to face him. “Your choice of photos is very… Interesting, but beautiful nonetheless. I’m all for appreciating the body.”

Eddie’s eyes darkened. He grinned, stepping into her personal space with few strides. “Oh yeah?”

“The female body is a very beautiful thing, Edward.”

He looked down at her, obviously allowing his eyes to run over her body. “I know, sweetheart. It is a very beautiful thing. But you see, my world is very dark. I’m surrounded by it all the time. In my darkness, Rose, I see blood. I see death. Want to know what the best part is?”

Rose arched a brow. “What?”

“You’d still want me,” he smirked. Eddie leaned forward to press his lips against hers, his hands moving to her hips and gripping her tightly to bring her flush against him. The rose in her hair had fallen to the floor, adding some color to his very monochromatic furniture.

She whimpered against his lips, feeling his mustache roughly scratch against her upper lip in a pleasurable way. Rose had never been taken a man with as much fervor and need as Eddie. He was animalistic and for some reason, she had been drawn to him and his violent ways. Rose had gotten used to being with men who were gentle, but not with Eddie. It was proving to be tough to show him the beauty and love in this world.

He slid his tongue past her lips, his hands dropping to her backside immediately. Rose gasped, jerking into him at the feel of his strong hands gripping onto her. Eddie was showcasing his strength by the grip he had on her, but she didn’t mind. While she was trying to show this bad, conflicted man the beauty of the world, Eddie was on a mission of his own to show her how his life was just as great.

“I’m going to fuck you, Rose. I’m going to leave you sore and wanting more by the time I’m done with you,” he smirked, pulling away with a gentle tug on her lower lip. “So, I hope you are wet down there, sweetheart, because I will not stop once I’m inside of you.”

Rose shivered at his words, pulling back to look into his eyes. “Tell me one thing, Eddie. Do you find beauty in this?” she stepped back and pulled her white gown from her body, revealing to her that she was naked underneath.

Eddie licked his lips, watching the dress pool at her feet. His eyes raked over every inch of her body, causing his pants to tighten at his growing erection. “You are very much beautiful, Rose.”

Rose grinned. He wasn’t just a man who loved war. He still found beauty in things that were normal for him. She reached out and held out her hand for him, licking her lips slowly. “Do you find me beautiful?”

“I do…” he nodded, taking her hand. “You are so goddamn beautiful, sweetheart.”

She leaned forward, nipping gently at his earlobe. “Then I’m right. Even in your world, you can still find things beautiful.”

Eddie growled, “I’m still going to kill people for their wrongdoings, Rose. That will never change about me.”

“Never said it had to, Eddie. I just wanted to prove a point. You find me beautiful. Now, what do you think about love?”

“Love? I fucking said I don’t believe in it.”

“Don’t lie to me,” she snarled, tugging at his earlobe. “Tell me the truth…”

“I love hurting those who have hurt others,” he blurted out. “And I’m sure I’m going to love fucking the hell out of you.”

Eddie scooped her into his arms and led her into his bedroom, dropping her roughly down onto his mattress. She bounced at the sudden drop, causing her breasts to bounce as well. Eddie quickly began to remove his clothes, his eyes deviating to every inch of her body.

Rose parted her legs, yearning for him. This was no different. She was used to this. She was an avid supporter for finding beauty in the most mundane things through love. Eddie was just showing her another side to her world, opening her mind to many possibilities and she hoped that she was doing the same to him.

Once Eddie removed every article of clothing, he watched as Rose’s eyes widened at the sight of his erected manhood standing at attention. It made him harder to know that her reaction was that of fear and uncertainty.

“Don’t worry. It’s going to fit, sweetheart. I’ll make sure of it,” Eddie winked.

Rose bit her lower lip, eyeing his throbbing cock. Not only was he more rough with her than her previous partners, but he was much bigger too. Suddenly, Rose was turned onto her abdomen and she looked over her shoulder to see Eddie straddling her from behind. He pushed her legs together and placed his own on either side of her.

Eddie grasped her backside and spread her cheeks apart, groaning as he eyed her wet, tight heat. Sliding his hips up, he allowed her wetness to soak the underside of his manhood, his tip pushing into her tightness.

“Eddie,” she gasped, trying to move away at the sudden intrusion.

Eddie shook his head, moving a hand to the back of her neck and keeping her still. “Don’t move, Rose.”

With one sharp thrust, he slid his entire length into her warm abyss. Eddie groaned, feeling her tight walls surround him in a vicelike grip that almost had him panting for more. Though, usually, Eddie wouldn’t dare to stop and accommodate the woman he was pleasuring, but he wanted to make sure Rose was all right before continuing.

He watched as she rolled her hips back against him, urging for him to begin his thrusts. Eddie smirked, tightening his hold on her shoulder instead. His hips slammed into her with each thrust, showing no mercy for her tight heat.

Eddie said he was going to make her sore and that was exactly what he was going to do.

“Eddie!” she moaned, turning her cheek onto the mattress to watch him from behind.

“You feel that, sweetheart? You feel how deep I am?” he groaned, sliding his hips back and forth. With this position, it rendered Rose immobile and unable to move. Eddie took advantage of that by having his hips slam against hers repeatedly by burying himself to the hilt each time.

She moaned loudly, her hands gripping the sheets of his mattress. Eddie definitely wasn’t taking it easy on her. His hips canting against hers caused her to jerk forward and with each thrust, she felt him deep within her depths that it made her toes curl.

Arching her backside into the air, Eddie grasped her hips instead and began a faster pace. The sounds of their skin slapping against one another echoed throughout his bedroom and he groaned, her tight walls stroking him repeatedly to reach his climax.

Eddie reached around her, his fingers playing with her clit while his thrusts continued its rapid pace. Rose pushed back against him, using her free hand to keep him still as she felt the added pleasure of his fingers. She knew she wasn’t going to last; none of her sexual conquests lasted this long anyway.

“Eddie!” she moaned once more, trying to still his hips but instead, he grabbed her wrists and held them behind her back with his free hand. Now that she was fully at his mercy, Eddie continued his assault on her core.

“Eddie! I’m – Oh god!” she screamed in pleasure as her climax hit her like a freight train. Her toes curled inwards and she lowered herself completely on her abdomen, shaking against his mattress.

Eddie couldn’t last as long as he was used to. Rose was proving to be something different than any other woman he met. After a few thrusts, he pulled out and painted her skin with his release.

Rose groaned, breathing heavily against his bed as he collapsed next to her. She turned her head to face him, smiling at him with a dazed look on her face.

“Eddie,” she whispered.

“What?”

“That was beautiful,” Rose smiled.

He arched a brow and looked over at her, licking his lips. “Want to know what else is beautiful?”

“What’s that?”

“My come all over your back,” he winked.

Rose blushed, looking into his eyes. “The good thing about all of this is that you said something was beautiful.”

“Not in everything, sweetheart, but maybe you’re right.” Eddie shrugged. “Maybe there is beauty and love in this world after all.”

“And maybe there is war in order for those two aspects to come alive,” Rose added.

“We are complete opposites, Rose.”

“Opposites attract, right?” she smiled, leaning forward to kiss his cheek.

Eddie grinned. She was right. Opposites did attract.

Forever taglist (let me know if you want to be removed!): @disfigured-it-out || @chunex || @jasoncrouse || @oceanicseries || @dixonsbait || @negan--is--god || @see-you-then-winchester || @sable-the-trans-ham || @harleysandbats || @k4veggies || @labyrinthofheartagrams || @purplemuse89 || @ladyynegan || @scentofpineandhazelnutlattes || @may85 || @a-girl-interupted || @spn-cw123 || @multireality || @ashzombie13 || @constellationsolo || @isayweallgetdrunk || @fyeahashley88 || @sweetsweetpeach || @heartfulloffandoms || @myheart4ever47 || @asshatry || @laymetorest77 || @jenniegs || @magikat409 || @daintyunicorn || @fiftypercentmoreintoyou || @ask-kakashihatake || @jeffreydeanneganstrash || @ibelongtonegan || @meanandshallow || @naughtyneganjdm || @hawtdiggitynegan || @zombeeemomeee || @warriorqueen1991 || @ididntasktogetmadedidi || @holyjeffreydeanmorgan

#jeffrey dean morgan #jdm fanfiction #the comedian #watchmen #the comedian x ofc #watchmen fanfiction #the comedian fanfiction #story: opposites attract #prompts #one shot #oneshot #JDNegansTrash1kChallenge

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esperanzacboronial · 7 years ago

Note

“He’s respectable, but, ya’ know, a little bit dodgy.” said about Elmer by whomever you choose

Sorry about taking forever. I have no excuses because I’ve had it finished for like… a month? anyway this is super not in my comfort zone so I hope it’s not too off in terms of characterisation. Thank you for sending the prompt!

Read on Ao3

They reach a certain point in the evening where Shaft is checking his watch every minute or so, waiting for it to tick over into that loosely defined territory during which “sorry, boss, I’m gonna hit the hay” becomes a believable out. They had reached that point forty-two minutes ago, to be exact, and now in the forty-third, he can only sink back in his seat and listen as Graham rehashes a story he’s heard a hundred times before.

“— Such a sad, sad ending… But I only have myself to blame. I should have seen it from the start! I’ve been so blind, so, so, blind.” He raises his voice to a shout, though not an angered one. He grins wide and shouts, slams his hand against the side of the car. “That’s the fate of the messiah, isn’t it? To disappear from our lives suddenly and tragically! He shows up in our time of need, when we’re oppressed and downtrodden, suffering under the malevolent rule of the wrathful sun, and he performs a few miracles —”

“C’mon, boss, miracles?” Shaft groans, rubbing the side of his face. “What miracles?”

“What miracles? What miracles? What miracles!” He tosses his wrench into the air and catches it with one hand — a pointless feat, because the next thing he does is drive it through the hood of the car he is sat on, right where it might have landed if his reflexes had failed him. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten the miracles! No, no, no, that’s awful, heartbreaking news. What happens when a lowly fella like one of us insults the messiah that way? Divine punishment? Godly wrath?”

“What’re you talking about? Doubt that guy could even pull off normal old wrath, nevermind godly wr —”

The wrench swings his way, and though it is a good three feet from his face, he flinches back. Graham’s free hand flies up to cover one ear.

“I can’t listen to this. No, I can’t listen to you disrespect the messiah. I can’t have anything to do with that sorta skepticism. I won’t! All this doubt is tearing into my soul. It’s making me feel so lost, so — so lost —” He takes in a deep, shaking breath, and like that he is steadied. “Alright, I’ve got it. Maybe he’ll forgive you if you sing your praise for him. Repent — that’s it, you’ve gotta repent! Let’s sing together, three, two —”

“Hold on, hold on.” Shaft shakes his head. “You tellin’ me you want me to sing?”

“Singing? Yes, yes, singing! Now that’s an idea. We could sing a hymn, a hymn for our hero and our saviour —”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit over the top?” He presses his palm to his temple, tilting his head back. He can no longer bear to look at his watch; the number is irrelevant, the number is too many, too many minutes spent circling around this topic. “Look, boss, I’ll give ya that he doesn’t seem like a bad guy. Sure, he’s respectable, but, ya know…”

Maybe it’s that the first time he hears it, the name sounds like the quiet hum of drizzle before a downpour.

“Elmer C. Albatross?”

“Yes, Master Huey. Mr. Carpenter believes it would be in our best interest.”

“I see.”

He must be one of the newer scientists Huey has brought in. Sham cannot put a name to his face, but they all have a certain quality — a coldness which, he reasons, is a prerequisite for the job. He avoids making eye contact when he speaks, keeps his chin down. Most of them do, in Huey’s presence, but Sham knows it is a luxury that he bears witness to it. The only time the other homunculi see the scientists bow their heads is when they are looking down on them with scalpel in hand.

“He insists the results could be incredibly valuable.”

“Of course.” Huey nods. “I have no doubt that he could learn a great deal. Elmer is… an interesting man, to say the least.”

Even from where he stands at the door, Sham sees how Huey’s expression shifts. If he did not spend so much time watching him, he might not make anything of it; he smiles, and smiles, and smiles, but it is empty, and then it is half full, and then it is just sharp. Then it is not a smile, it is a warning. He half pities the scientist, who only smirks, not seeing anything at all.

“Tell me, once he is finished with Elmer,” Huey speaks slowly, sitting back in his chair. “Is he prepared for what comes after that? I do trust that he is, but I must ask.”

“I — I don’t follow, sir. Is he prepared for…?”

“Ah, forgive me for being unclear. For the tests,” he explains, and folds his hands on his lap. The way he speaks, the way he lounges in his chair, he could be talking about the weather. He isn’t. “The tests that will be conducted on Mr. Carpenter during your next research project. I am sure he will make a fascinating subject.”

Sham half pities the scientist until he is audience to the his fall from pride to thinly-veiled horror — horror at the mere implication that one of them could be put under a scalpel, to be poked and prodded and tested; at this reaction, he finds even that modicum of pity fading from his mind.

“Master Huey, with all due respect, he —”

“He’s too important to be wasted on petty experiments? Too valuable to be made a lab rat?”

So it is not pity that dries this vessel’s — his — throat. It is not pity, and it is not about the scientist at all.

Huey stops smiling.

He does not, not for one moment, give the impression that he is wounded.

“You’re quite correct. It would be a shame. He’s one of our most useful assets.”

The scientist must mistake his frown for surrender. His stiff posture gives way with an audible breath of relief.

Sham, knowing better, is not surprised when Huey breaks the silence.

“But you should know by now,” he continues, leaning forward. “No one is too valuable. Isn’t that right? I imagine you would not be making this request otherwise. I imagine you are smarter than to suggest that Salomé is somehow more valuable… More indispensable than a man I have known for some two hundred years. Do you believe that one is more suited to being made a lab rat than the other?”

There is something in his voice that says that this would not be an incorrect assessment — if the scientist had only assigned each their correct value. This time, the man does not mistake Huey’s intent. He goes quiet.

“Please, I’m curious now. Is that what you believe?” It is a gentle nudge, which loses some gentleness when there is an unspoken threat to respond to.

“No, Master Huey,” the scientist chokes out.

“So you understand.”

He stands, then, moving with all the fluidity of a wind-up toy, and faces Sham himself.

“Relay a message to Salomé,” he says. “Tell him that he is free to do what he will with Elmer,” — he pauses a moment, his lips twitching faintly — “and that, in the spirit of fairness, I will see to it that the same is done to him.”

Sham nods, and thinks —

“Twofold, of course,” Huey adds as he brushes past. “One must take interest into account.”

Huey Laforet can threaten the nation with his apathy, but the lack of it is another force entirely.

Sham does not see storm clouds that day, but he hears the first few drops of rain. They land with uncharacteristically heavy thuds.

“He’s a little bit dodgy.”

Graham’s entire face contorts with shock, then indignation, then something that looks a bit like confusion until it is anguish and he lurches forward to cradle his head in his hands.

“Dodgy? You’d call the messiah dodgy? I’m at a loss. I just don’t know what to do! I never thought you’d betray me like this, Shaft. What an awful, awful pain! Cutting like a thousands swords, straight through my back — no, worse, through the messiah’s back —”

“Listen, all I’m saying is we don’t really know what he’s about. What’s his business? Who’s he working with? Like you said, boss, he shows up outta nowhere and then he’s gone, just like that. For all we know he could be gathering information to give to…” Shaft takes a beat to choose his words, crafting, from his concern, concern that Graham would be able to believe. “To give to some, some info broker. Nevermind all that talk about being friends with a terrorist…”

— But there’s the crux of it.

He hadn’t believed it at first. No, he had believed it, because it was there, plain as day, but he hadn’t been able to wrap his head around it. When he had considered what sort of person could start a storm in someone like Huey Laforet, he had not for a second conjured the image of a man who wanted nothing more than to make the world smile.

He believes it now, if he had doubted it, though he is not sure where to sort the information, not sure whether to place it with meaningless coincidences or disasters waiting to unfold. If meeting him had been a test from Huey, Huey surely would have responded to Sham hiding it — or not, or worse, he is quietly taking notes, observing his reactions, his reactions to his reactions, or the absence of either. It is convoluted just enough to hang at the back of his mind as a distinct possibility. While Graham rambles on about the reverent figure he had found in Elmer C. Albatross, Shaft ruminates on where and how and to what extent he might overlap with looming figures in his own existence.

“… a traitor among us. How miserable, how heart-wrenching a betrayal. I don’t want to believe it, but… No — no, you’re right. Maybe you’re right. You’ve planted the seed of doubt in my heart now. What a tragedy. A tragedy on top of a tragedy — my back has been stabbed, but by the very person whose back you stabbed. The stabbee becomes the stabber —”

“I ain’t saying all that.”

He sighs, shaking his head. There’s something to having his words thrown back at him in the most incomprehensible terms. What is he saying? That Huey would send a spy to spy on his spy? That the Elmer he met could be a threat to anyone?

He doesn’t know. Maybe that’s what’s bothering him, more than anything. It’s that he doesn’t know. Graham is still talking, but he’s barely listening.

“If Julius Caeser turned around and —”

“Just be careful about who you put your faith in, alright?” he settles on saying, hypocritical as that advice might be. “No one’s trustworthy enough to be treated like a messiah.”

#baccano!#sham (baccano!)#graham specter #huey laforet #berylliant writing #toushindai

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bowlsister75-blog · 5 years ago

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Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: The 24 Best Songs, Ranked From Great to Spectacular

Even without the songs, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend would still be one of the best comedies on TV: a sharply insightful, wickedly subversive, riotously funny rom-com that is fully aware it’s a rom-com. But the show’s original songs — all 150-some of them! — have elevated it into something wholly unique and unmatched anywhere on TV.

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With Crazy Ex taking its final bow with Friday’s series finale (The CW, 8/7c) — no, we’re not anywhere close to being ready to say goodbye yet — we’re honoring four seasons of musical comedy genius by ranking the very best Crazy Ex songs from the entire series. To be clear, there are many, many worthy songs that it pained us to leave off this list. (Sincere apologies to the likes of “Maybe This Dream,” “F—kton of Cats” and, um, “Period Sex.”) But these are the absolute cream of the crop, the essential songs in the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend canon. And what’s great is, even if you’ve never seen the show, you can enjoy these songs as one-off musical comedy sketches. They’re that good!

So grab a Rebetzel’s Pretzel and join us as we waltz, tap and Soul Train our way down West Covina’s memory lane and look back on the very best Crazy Ex-Girlfriend songs from all four seasons. Hey, if we keep singing, the show can’t really end, right?

24. “No One Else Is Singing My Song” (Season 4, Episode 1)

Rebecca started out the final season in prison, and sang this mournful ballad about how alone she felt — not knowing that Nathaniel and Josh were feeling the exact same way. (And singing about it, too.) It’s one of the least overtly comical songs in the Crazy Ex songbook, but it packs a huge emotional punch, especially when the whole cast touches hands in a 12-way split-screen. (Even the creepy grocery guy.)

23. “I Could if I Wanted To” (Season 1, Episode 16)

Whoop-dee-frickin’-doo. Back when Greg was still an alcohol-soaked sourpuss — and looked a lot different than he does now — he delivered this Weezer-y anthem for cynical jerks everywhere, boasting about all the great stuff he could do in life if he actually gave two s—ts about anything. Like it, don’t like it, whatever… not like he cares.

22. “Santa Ana Winds” (Season 2, Episode 11)

This insanely catchy doo-wop ditty is a perfect example of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend finding laughs in a highly specific subject: the gusty Santa Ana winds that plague southern California each year. Here, a Frankie Valli-style vocalist — bravo, Eric Michael Roy — sings of the fierce winds of change blowing through Rebecca’s life, which bring with them “whimsy and forest fires.” Good luck getting this one out of your head.

21. “I’m the Villain in My Own Story” (Season 1, Episode 14)

Here, Rebecca goes the Disney route for a tune where she realizes maybe she’s not the beautiful princess in her love triangle with Josh and Valencia… maybe she’s the cackling witch. The music on this one would slide right into the soundtrack of any Disney cartoon, it has fantastically self-aware lyrics that touch on one of the series’ major themes… and Rachel Bloom’s evil witch voice is just impeccable.

20. “First Penis I Saw” (Season 3, Episode 7)

Donna Lynne Champlin has given us more than a few memorable tunes as Rebecca’s trusty pal Paula, but none can top this upbeat, ABBA-esque tribute to her first real boyfriend… and, well, his distinctive genitalia. (You never forget your first, right?) Bonus points for Paula and her bandmates singing into cucumbers and eggplants in the “Suggestive Vegetables” aisle.

19. “A Boy Band Made Up of Four Joshes” (Season 1, Episode 3)

Along with playing lovable dummy Josh Chan, Vincent Rodriguez III is one hell of a dancer, and he gets to show off all kinds of moves in this charming boy-band number, where he — well, four of him, really — reassure a smitten Rebecca that she can let all of her childhood traumas go. (They are licensed mental health professionals, after all.) It’s sneaky emotional, too; that moment where Rebecca hugs her younger self and dances with her gets us every time.

18. “We Tapped That Ass” (Season 2, Episode 4)

Josh and Greg team up for this snappy tap-dance number where they exchange notes about their, uh, intimate encounters with Rebecca. The lyrics are jam-packed with naughty wordplay (“On the ottoman, you took a lot of men…”) and double-entendres that we’re surprised made it past the CW censors. They even finish on her chest… of drawers, you sickos.

17. “Where’s the Bathroom?” (Season 1, Episode 8)

God bless Tovah Feldshuh. As Rebecca’s supremely judgy mom Naomi, the Broadway veteran unleashes a whirlwind of passive-aggression while visiting her daughter in this rapid-fire tune, demanding to know where the bathroom is while still dishing out backhanded compliments. (“You’re looking healthy/And by healthy, I mean chunky…”) She even judges Rebecca’s bathroom once she gets there! Anyone with a Jewish mother — or any mother, really — can relate.

16. “I Go to the Zoo” (Season 3, Episode 3)

We can’t stop giggling every time we think about this supremely goofy Drake-inspired slow jam about… Nathaniel’s love of going to the zoo? (Hey, it makes him feel better, alright?) The silky smooth beats are a strangely fitting accompaniment for Nathaniel’s ode to his beloved zoo animals. (“My favorite’s probably the cheetahs/But I ain’t f—king with no zebras.”) Just another hyper-specific, hyper-hysterical Crazy Ex tune that we’ll probably hum every time we go to the zoo from now on.

15. “The Sexy Getting Ready Song” (Season 1, Episode 1)

Right away, in the very first episode, Rachel Bloom let us know what to expect from Crazy Ex with this sultry, silly chronicle of all the plucking and scrubbing women do to get ready for a date. (The back-up singers are there to help Rebecca get into her shapewear, at least.) We couldn’t agree more with the rapper Nipsey Hussle (RIP), who has a cameo midway through: This is some “nasty-ass patriarchal bulls—t.”

14. “Let’s Have Intercourse” (Season 2, Episode 11)

Scott Michael Foster joined the Crazy Ex cast late as cocky corporate guy Nathaniel, but he made a great first impression with this Ed Sheeran-esque ballad in which he gets very specific about what he’d like to do with Rebecca. It’s not terribly romantic — he just wants to “see what [her] nipples look like,” really — but the admittedly gross lyrics make for a hilarious contrast with the lilting, sensitive-dude guitar. And the ballroom dancing’s not bad, either!

13. “Settle For Me” (Season 1, Episode 4)

A song for guys and gals everywhere hopelessly stuck in the friend zone, Greg tries to convince Rebecca to forget Josh and give him a shot with an elegant, old-school number complete with tuxedos and gowns. (“Like two percent milk or seitan beef, I almost taste the same!”) As with a lot of Crazy Ex songs, the buoyant music and snappy dancing help to mask the crushing sadness of the lyrics. So twirly!

12. “We’ll Never Have Problems Again” (Season 2, Episode 10)

Who’s ready to disco? This relentlessly peppy dance track is a hilarious examination of the comforting lies young lovers tell themselves about their future — “No more ups and downs/It’s just ups and ups and ups!” — and it also happens to be ridiculously catchy. Besides, any song that gives Heather an excuse to “Soul Train on outta here” is a keeper in our book.

11. “Friendtopia” (Season 2, Episode 6)

Most musical comedies would be happy with a note-perfect Spice Girls parody, but Crazy Ex had to take it several steps further: Rebecca’s cheerfully sinister girl-power jam is actually a full-on military manifesto, with her, Heather and Valencia plotting to take over the world. (“All agriculture will be diverted/Into making us rosé!”) You’ll never hear the term “squad goals” the same way again… and you better like watching Hocus Pocus.

10. “Remember That We Suffered” (Season 2, Episode 10)

In true Jewish mom fashion, this jaunty dirge is eager to remind listeners that the Jewish people have had a rough go of it for, oh, a few centuries now — so don’t enjoy yourself too much! It’s the perfect distillation of morbid Jewish humor, Tovah Feldshuh continues to be this show’s secret weapon — and bonus points for including the legendary Patti LuPone and her even more legendary voice.

9. “A Diagnosis” (Season 3, Episode 6)

One of the least comical Crazy Ex songs, but one of the most emotionally resonant, this triumphant showstopper sees Rebecca celebrating the fact that she’s been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder after years of struggling with her mental health. We’ve been struggling right along with her, so it’s cathartic to see her so full of hope here, and Rachel Bloom’s vocals positively soar. A beautiful tribute to a major turning point in Rebecca’s life.

8. “Love Kernels” (Season 2, Episode 1)

We all know Rebecca could live for days off a single compliment from her beloved Josh Chan, and she puts that poignant desperation into song here with a Lemonade-esque torch song. It’s probably Crazy Ex‘s most sweepingly ambitious music video, with plenty of costume changes — our favorite is a tie between “sexy fashion cactus” and “hamster slurping from a water bottle” — but of course, it openly acknowledges how wildly expensive it must be, too. (Hi, Broom Darryl.)

7. “It Was a S–t Show” (Season 2, Episode 4)

Greg’s farewell lament to Rebecca sheds light on a frustratingly familiar romantic situation: They liked each other a lot, but they knew full well they were just terrible together. (“Chernobyl, next to us, looks like a campfire/Hurricane Katrina was just bad weather…”) Like many great Crazy Ex songs, it’s hilarious and heart-wrenching, all at the same time — and man, Santino Fontana can sing, right?

6. “You Stupid Bitch” (Season 1, Episode 11)

Crazy Ex has had four different theme songs, one for each season (we’re partial to Season 2’s “I’m Just a Girl in Love,” for the record), but this ballad is truly Rebecca Bunch’s theme song. Deeply scathing and cleverly meta all at once, Rebecca harshly chides herself for all of her many mistakes… and not for the first time. (Her audience knows every word!) It’s a stunning depiction of the self-hating voice inside all of us, and probably Rachel Bloom’s best vocal performance of the series to boot.

5. “JAP Battle” (Season 1, Episode 13)

Yes, Rachel Bloom can rap, too: This hilarious hip-hop showdown between Rebecca and her sworn frenemy Audra Levine — a pair of Jewish-American princesses, you see — is a treasure trove of cutting insults (in Yiddish, of course) and references to tony New York hometowns. Guest star Rachel Grate proves herself a very worthy opponent as Audra, and the mean-mug faces that Darryl, Paula and Josh make as Rebecca’s backup crew are just priceless.

4. “Don’t Be a Lawyer” (Season 4, Episode 3)

Burl Moseley’s Jim has been a background player for most of Crazy Ex‘s run, but he hit it out of the park with this spotlight number: a sizzling ’90s R&B throwback jam about the perils of pursuing the legal profession. The vintage fashions and dance moves are perfectly on point, and the lyrics are quite persuasive, actually: “The job is inherently crappy/That’s why you’ve never met a lawyer who’s happy!”

3. “The Math of Love Triangles” (Season 2, Episode 3)

This is probably the pinnacle of the classic Crazy Ex formula: Start with a spot-on recreation of a classic song genre — the ditzy-girl tune, a la Marilyn Monroe in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes — and add a brilliantly meta twist to it. Here, a dolled-up Rebecca wants to understand the elements of her love triangle with Josh and Greg, but keeps getting adorably confused by all the “man math,” and Rachel Bloom’s over-the-top breathy vocals make it all even funnier. Whee, a swing!

2. “Let’s Generalize About Men” (Season 3, Episode 1)

The genius of this Pointer Sisters-inspired toe-tapper is that it’s both a “yas, queen” girl-power anthem and a parody of those anthems, pointing out the flaws in painting all 3.6 billion men on this planet with the same broad brush. (“Let’s take one bad thing about one man/And apply it to all of them!”) It’s catchy enough that you could fool us into thinking it actually made the pop charts in the mid-’80s, and the twist ending, when Paula remembers that her sons are also men, is maybe the most brutally funny punchline of the whole series.

1. “West Covina” (Season 1, Episode 1)

Could Crazy Ex-Girlfriend‘s very best song also be its very first song? Yes, we believe it could. Rebecca’s dizzingly romantic ode to her new hometown — and the guy who just happens to live there — manages to set the tone for the entire series: delightfully clever (the visual gags at the start still make us giggle) and heartbreakingly earnest all at the same time. There’s a giddy, go-for-broke magic to it, and it all builds to a massive dance number featuring dozens of extras and one giant pretzel, as if to say, “You’ve never seen anything quite like this on TV before.” And they were right: We hadn’t… and we never will again.

Did your favorite Crazy Ex song not make our list? Sing it out in the comments below.

Source: https://tvline.com/2019/04/01/crazy-ex-girlfriend-best-songs-list-music-videos-watch/

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hostile-southern · 6 years ago

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I Hate Snapchat

I've decided I'm not giving him the chance to change his mind or the power to make me jealous through his scantily-clad stories. Unopened, opened but not replied to messages and unviewed stories--that's the kind of shit that keeps me up at night with my abandonment, trust, and self-esteem issues..

Some dude who lives overseas and is moderately good-looking doesn't interest me. I never wanted eye candy (he knew that); I have loads of porn that I've grown fond of. So, whatever. If I'd gone too far somehow, he should have let me know or, at least, blocked me. I'm not well for this "here I am in a jockstrap, but I'm not talking to you" bullshit. We’re both grown-ass adults.

I did what he said he wanted, and I'm not even much of a dom. Get over yourself. I told him he could message me here on my main account, but it'd take a lot of convincing to get me to reinstall that horrid app.

I don't like being ignored, but does anyone? Truth be told, I've ghosted people much quicker. I feel I had more of a reason to, but it's keeping me from being too much of a hypocrite. I woke up too early, unamused and tired, and the silliness of it all just clicked with me. I had fun, but really, I'm the one who stepped out of my box and was distracted for a day or so for it. I doubt he grew at all.

I'm not going to suffer any further for some random, overseas nobody who I'd forgotten the name of if it wasn't listed on the app. I won't be strung along by someone who doesn't know what the fuck he wants and can't communicate his feelings. Nah, I deserve better. I'm creative, intelligent, and I take damn good selfies. Have fun with your cock-teasing gimmick. I'm not mad at that; exhibitionists are fucking cool. It's the disrespect I won't tolerate.

As always, I'll clean up this phone post later. I'll probably mellow out by then, because my anger is quick, but I won't change anything. It's fun being irritated from time to time. He opened my snap almost immediately, by the way. I hope he sends me something back, and it goes unread.

Add: But honestly, it was all unsustainable, anyway. As much as I was trying, I wasn’t in my comfort zone, and I’d have run outta ideas. We’d both ended up bored, so enough about that... I just like to be the one to leave first.

Then again, doesn’t everyone, and life doesn’t always go how we want it to.

He’s not an “ex,” but it’s fun to let your imagination be petty sometimes. I’m over it and meant what I said in my last post; I needed something to write while my sleep med kicked in this morning. That’s the main reason I deleted the app. I tend to wait on replies, so it’s easier for me to put it outta sight, outta mind.

#petty boots #i'm not about that life #you do you #i'll do me #maybe goodbye

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extroversive-introvert · 7 years ago

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Matthew 5:4, and the Grief of Change

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

These are the words of Jesus, from the Beatitudes portion of the Sermon on the Mount. I’ll spend my life unpacking those three chapters, the very heart of the Gospel itself.

Let me tell you a bit about my poly friend Trevor. We entered poly at the same time, enrolled into the same school but in different courses, graduated together. Among all my non-Mass Comm FMS friends, he was my closest one. We happened to be in the same IS classes most of the time. Trevor was a man of invincible patience and quiet resolve. Outside of class, people always remarked on his kindness; it had this gentle strength that had the ability to lift people without inflating them as well as humble them without degrading them. Even when he was tired, he still made the effort to offer a smile (that was bright enough to light up any room/photo) and entertain stories and humour, and even when I was tired, he’d always initiate conversation. He was pure sunshine, and I didn’t deserve a friend like him.

Trevor had an upbeat, happy-go-lucky personality that endeared him to so many, but I saw through the veneer pretty quick and knew he was hurting badly, because I fight suicidal thoughts on a daily basis too, and still do. Being bubbly and animated and self-deprecating is also how I bury my demons. And it kills me inside now that even though we talked several times at length about our battles with depression, I wasn't there for him in the end when I had ample chance to. I wish I could've told him that he wasn’t the only fighter. I wish I could hug him and his scars and say "I swear it'll be okay, not today but one day". So when I received the news, my heart broke, because as much as I wish I had the capacity to carry the weight of both our tortured souls, I know I'm not strong enough.

So when I was offshore on NS duties finding out he had taken his life by jumping from the 23rd storey of his HDB flat, time stood still. It was beyond anything I’d ever experienced before. An exhausting, lonely heartache. Grief is a non-linear process; it comes and goes in waves like the tideline. There are periods where there’s an underlying dullness but sometimes and without warning, there’s a searing sharpness that rends heart cartilage like a chainsaw. It’s a jackhammer to the inner recesses of the soul. Recall the ache you feel when you’ve been away from your brothers for too long and the drive to be reunited and the resolution the moment you see them again. You could anticipate and count it down; work towards it. Now amplify that ache until every breath is like toxic fire and your chest physically locks up and feels like collapsing from the weight and you realise that ache can never be soothed in your lifetime. It hurts to the extent the loss doesn’t feel survivable. If love could have saved me, he would have lived forever.

There’s no resolution. Only the numbing nothingness their absence leaves you with when you go to bed. You can only wait for the promise of heaven and even with that hope, if you skip the airy theological bullshit and are honest with yourself, you have no tangible conception of what that looks like. That makes it less comforting than it probably should be. All you have left is faith. When all logic is stripped from you, you’re forced into the corner of faith where you have no control over the nightmare. Faith only offers the hope that your loss can be redeemed. Faith is the bridge between suffering and mercy.

I remember booking out early in a state of catatonic numbness to catch his cremation service at Mandai Crematorium. his aunt showed me the suicide note. Reading it, coupled with seeing his face stitched back together fractured my heart beyond repair. I remembered his note including that he wanted clubbing music played throughout the duration of his wake. I laughed perhaps the saddest laugh I’ve ever laughed, because that was so him. Even past the end. If he were still around he’d probably make some inappropriate pun joke about being forever 21. I remember how badly I broke down when his whole NDU company gave their loudest hooyah as his coffin moved towards the flames. I remember being on the bus back from the crematorium showing his father, with his tired strength, a photo of Trevor at MBS with the angel wings, months before he took his life. I regret that we never took any together, procrastinating like there’d be a next time. I’ve come to the conclusion that grief never really changes. You never “grow out of it”. Time never really heals it. You just sorta forget what it feels like not to be broken, until brokenness becomes the new norm you learn to walk through every day. It’s like the ocean; sometimes the waves are calm and rhythmic, and other days overwhelming, but always there. The only thing I can learn to do is swim until I’m outta strength.

It’s no secret by now that I’m uprooting myself from my hometown of Singapore and moving indefinitely for the long term. I’ve migrated so many times since 2001 when I first left Singapore, but this one feels different; it’ll be the first time I’ll be overseas by myself. Axing out my support networks and rebuilding afresh.

I am an emotional person, and despite my happy-go-lucky energetic demeanours, by default I’m a deeply sad, melancholic person. I’m usually numb to goodbyes (which is probably why I don’t want people to send me off at the airport because it feels disingenuous to me) but I can anticipate this will be a loss I may not fully face or grieve, although I think I would have in the past. This is an ending to a chapter in my life that will change my course, and looking back every time I relocated I thought I was coping the best I could, but I tried to get past it as quickly as possible, perhaps at the expense of truly going through it.

I tend to desensitise myself from the hysteria of such maudlin feelings, distracting myself with other things. Good things, like finding out what comes next and embarking on a new quest, knowing there has to be more where that came from. As well as not-so-good things, like trying to cling to connections like driftwood to aid treading waters and avoid drowning. I should have let go and trusted I would fall into an ocean of love and grace, but all I can see is a sea of sorrow and forgetfulness. But in all those feelings: sadness, regret, depression, even being suicidal, I didn’t feel alone.

These are two of many stories that I tell, not because they’re the perfect examples of the mourning beatitude that this post is about, but simply because they are intensely personal, and they are mine.

If you’ve read this far, you will have your own personal and painful stories of grief, the change/transition it brought, the wounds you carry, and the ever-ongoing healing process. At the end of the day, grief is different for everyone. And what makes pain so unbearable is the way it isolates us from one another with an innate hurdle to overcome in order to communicate it. We try to bring a crumb of comfort by saying things like “I know how you feel”, but even if we have been through a similar experience, those words are trite, untrue, and inauthentic. How can we possibly know how someone else feels? We can relate, but we can’t intimately know, because it’s so different for everyone. So maybe the best alternative we have is to join people in their sadness, loss, and/or rage.

And that is the God behind this beatitude. Compassion, broken into its Latin root words are “com” (meaning “together”) and “pati” (meaning “suffering”). Therefore, to “have compassion” just as Jesus did on the crowd that gathered to hear Him preach this very sermon, is to be willing to “suffer together” with people. This is the God of the Bible, the story of the One who hears the cry of the disillusioned, hurting, victimised, broken, lonely. God hears the blood of Abel crying out from holy ground. He goes to Sodom and Gomorrah personally to investigate the outcry that reached Him. He heard the groans of the Israelites in the misery of their slavery. Throughout Scripture, God hears the cry and draws close. The tears of the brokenhearted, downtrodden, crestfallen, vulnerable, are irresistible to His love. He is drawn like a magnetic force to their side.

Whenever i read “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted”, I automatically think about the loss/death of someone close, and we can’t bear to be apart from. This pain feels way to deep down in the soul to ever recover from. The grief that comes with that kind of loss, especially if far too premature (like Trevor, who was two weeks away from his 22nd birthday), is beyond words. But grief is also more than that.

The way we experience grief is as unique as our fingerprints. Whatever our grief may be, it’s not really about the experience of grief itself but the onset of the change it causes. Especially those transitory changes we don’t want to happen. There is a no-judgment zone when it comes to grief. There’s no grief that’s “worse than this one”. Whatever happened, whatever you’re facing, whatever curveball change that has derailed the track of your life, that is your grief. Comparison sends you down a path of the deepest darkness. You will always find someone better off and worse off than you.

This mourning beatitude is like a trumpet blast that opens its arms and welcomes us all in. Maybe you’ve been abused, raped, had a miscarriage or abortion, experienced divorce, separation, job firing, career-ending injury, had a terminal diagnosis, were sentenced after conviction, sent your child off to college (like my parents in a couple weeks) etc... things like these and more force us into surprising and unwanted transitions of some kind. Unexpected change shifts the course of our lives, and there’s grief in that.

We can also mourn what’s never been. For instance, maybe you were abandoned/orphaned at a young age and grew up without knowing your parents or had a facsimile of them, or perhaps through happenstance you were born into poverty or underprivileged/oppressed minority. We are missing something that would have been there for us had our circumstances been different, and locked deep inside us, there is a latent sadness awaiting to be unleashed. There is a river of sorrow flowing through all of us deeply, and if we knew how to access it any moment, we would all be sobbing messes and emotional wrecks.

This deep sorrow is not necessarily a negative thing. Quite the opposite, actually. It’s the sorrow of not being home or where we belong. The homesick sorrow. The Welsh have a word that has no direct English transliteration: “hiraeth”. The wistful sorrow of what our eyes have seen over the years. The question is whether we are going to be willing to access this deep river of sorrow and find it, befriend it, let its currents carry you through the season of grieving.

Many people at this point would ask me “why do we have to go there? It’s the past. It’s been done. It can't be erased.” Or perhaps a more modern pop culture reference: “no one can rewrite the stars”. My response would be: “because if you mourn, you will be comforted. Jesus promises that. The inference here is that if you don’t, you won’t be.” The flight from sorrow leads to the loss of hope, and the downward spiral from there usually implodes as self-destruction.

And fi you feel as though you don’t have a reason to mourn/deserve to mourn/want to mourn, the Greek word for “mourn” is pentheo. That’s the word Matthew uses here to describe that very beatitude. It refers to someone mourning the power of the wicked over the righteous. This is about the people who are at the bottom, the trapped and helpless and in anguishing despair because of it. This is about the person who works three jobs and still can’t make ends meet. This is about the single mother who can’t support her children even on welfare. It’s about the parents who read all the books and give their very best to a child who continues to make poor decisions. It’s about the misfit student who feels left out and misunderstood and mocked by classmates. It’s about the little girl who has been forced into prostitution. It’s about the boy who feels nobody can understand their pain and wants to jump off the 23rd storey of their HDB flat. It’s about me not knowing what the hell I’m doing relocating to Australia when I’ve established a decent social pillar of support here in Singapore and wondering if I’m making the wrong decision. God is the God of the suicidal as well. In other words, there isn’t any place in the human story you can look where you won’t find a little panther. This is about all of us when we’re helpless and alone, and rock bottom has caved in and we’re sinking further still.

Welcome to the upside down message of the Beatitudes, where we find out that in the emptiness of the void, when all hope seems lost, when it’s irreparably unfixable, when we are grieving the absence of righteousness and justice, when there is no joy... God is on our side.

So what does the second part of that verse, “comfort”, look like?

If you’re like me, I often tell myself “I’m trying to get rid of this grief but I can’t seem to do that. I’m trying to get past it but can’t.” The thing is, the more we ‘try’, the more we resist. The only way is to go through it. We have to feel it, headfirst and full on. And not only feel it, but have people around who sees us. The simple act of being seen unlocks permission to grieve.

It’s a hard thing, having your life so radically changed one day, and then the next day to see everyone else carrying on as if nothing happened. Does anybody see me? Does anybody care? These are still anxiety-spurring questions I deal with when I look ahead to my departure, from Singapore this month, as well as in the (hopefully distant) future, from this earth.

Maybe that’s the heart of pain. We long for a witness. We long for people to see what we’re going through. We long for someone to affirm our cataclysmic devastation. We weren’t hardwired to live alone. No man is an island. We were made for each other, and nothing separates us as quickly as pain we cannot relate to.

The first time I left Singapore in 2001, a month after 9/11, I stayed a couple months in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, before settling down in San Francisco, California for five years. One of the most famous landmarks is the Golden Gate Bridge. Or perhaps, infamous, because it’s the most renowned place in the world where people commit suicide. One side faces the Pacific Ocean, and the other faces the city. The majority of people who jump, jump from the city side. I wonder if they’re looking for witnesses. And it doesn’t take much imagination to hear their souls screaming “There is no one to comfort me” (much like Lamentations 1:21) as they commit to plunging over the edge.

There’s a village somewhere in the world where if someone dies, all the households in the village change something in their own yard or on their house that every night. The next day, when those who are mourning leave their house, they not only know for themselves that their world has changed, but see that the world has changed and that things will not be the same for everyone around them too. We should all have tradition. The most healing hee can offer is to let the pain of others disrupt us and our neat little schedules.

Shiva in the Jewish tradition is like this. It means seven in the Jewish language, and signifies the seven days of mourning after a close family member dies and is buried. The family commemorates by an act called “sitting shiva”, where they receive visitors into the bereaved home. It’s an ancient ritual dating back to what Joseph did in Genesis when his father Jacob died. The purpose of the visit is to offer comfort, and that comfort comes sometimes without words. It’s the gift of presence, seeing their grief with human eyes, and joining with them in it. It’s not just being there, it’s being present and in the moment.

This can unlock a piece of Jesus’ baffling announcement about comfort to those who mourn, because in our pain and in our grief, in the injustice of our situations, when we want answers in plain black and white, when we get angry and disenfranchised, when we are crying out for clarity and a way past this grief, when we are in the dark, deafening, lonely silence, we are offered presence, and God finds us in the places we are least likely to look. How often the expression is “Oh my God” when we see something good or evil. We intrinsically want answers. What is offered is the ministry of presence. Blessed are those who ache, for wherever they are, God is in their midst.

There’s more than one grief lurking beneath the surface, waiting to be awakened by another triggered changing of the seasons, or epoch transition. So while the wound is as vast as the sea and we mourn loved ones lost and/or the farewell of cherished places as we leave them behind, as we detach from careers ending, as we ache in the absence of something or someone we once had or we never had, we too, can grieve loss.

And just like in the grass in spring, the sunrise after the night, the thawing after the winter, we discover the invitation to carry on.

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