#this took so long to do cuz i put like two projects in between this

[serotonin-dose]

Time for an All Out Attack!

[drainslo]

Brains & Brawn- Chapter 1: Meeting

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You thought you had spent a little over two months in the Borderlands, as you leveled your rifle to kill a giraffe that was running away. It was strange how desensitized you were to killing things by now.

Niragi poked his head out from around a nearby enclosure. You pulled the earplug out of your ear to hear him complain. “—-got the giraffe? You know I wanted to kill it! Fucking lame.”

“Sorry, forgot about your obsession with big, tall things. Maybe it’s ‘cuz you’re projecting something you’re insecure about onto other things,” you rolled your eyes at Niragi’s tantrum.

Niragi frowned and pointed his sniper rifle towards you. You sighed and put the earplug back in your ear then stepped away from the glass window behind you. You knew what was coming next.

CRACK

The glass window shattered and you adeptly maneuvered away from the shards that now littered the floor. They twinkled like small pieces of stardust. Beautiful, but would cut you if you got too close.

“Niragi!” you protested in playful annoyance. He was the most melodramatic of the militants, so you knew that he would try to pull a stunt like this. Despite his mischief, you knew he would never do anything to seriously hurt you.

He hopped towards you across the glass and pulled out your earplug.

“Whoops,” he paused, then dropped it to the ground and walked away.

“Jerk! Get back here!” You sighed as you dismally looked at the fallen earplug. Niragi always called you lame for using one, but you didn’t want the sound of gunshots to damage your hearing more than necessary.

You then heard a familiar chime. Finally, the six of spades game was cleared. The start of a car engine running startled you, and you walked out of the zoo.

Aguni and the other militants were already waiting for you, and one seat was left for you. 

“What took you so long?” Niragi teased as you stepped into the car.

“I ran into some trouble on the way here by the name of Suguru Niragi,” you quipped back.

“You can kill each other back at the Beach,” Aguni said unimpressed and started driving.

“Aw, ‘shucks,” Niragi grumbled, but you knew he was being insincere.

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Once you got back at the Beach, Hatter appraised your group. “Six of spades? Great! Also great timing– I’m calling an executive meeting right now.”

You groaned in annoyance, because even though you were the Beach’s #9 militant, that didn’t mean you liked going to Hatter’s meetings. You’d rather do target practice with Niragi outside.

Aguni and Hatter led the way, conversing about something important as you trailed behind them with Niragi and Last Boss. 

“What do you think it’s about this time?” you smirked at Niragi, inviting him to join in on your disparagement of the executive meetings.

“I would bet my life that it’s either something absolutely insane, or absolutely moronic,” Niragi laughed.

Hatter pushed open the meeting room’s doors where the rest of the executives were already waiting, and a player you vaguely recognized. You never learned his name, but he was one of the few in the Borderlands that still maintained dyed blonde hair. 

The way his hair caught in the light, you admired, made it look like stardust. 

“Ladies, lads, I have a member here who is a most invaluable asset to the Beach,” Hatter’s eyes glinted in a way that made you feel extremely unsettled. He was plotting something, you were sure of.

Hatter dramatically paused before locking eyes with you. “I’m thinking of making him a new executive.”

Your heart dropped. Sure you were an executive, but you were the lowest ranking one. Hatter was directly threatening your position.

“Can’t you count? We already have all 9 spots for executives,” Niragi was always unabashed when it came to speaking against Hatter.

“I’m well aware of that. I compared the cards between (Name), and Chishiya here, and Chishiya almost has the same value as (Name). Wouldn’t it be unfair to the Beach if a member who was less worthy was ranked higher?” Hatter replied.

“Bullshit. The militants are already significantly less than your little group Hatter. If you could do math, you’d see that removing (Name) would disrupt the balance more,” Niragi said menacingly and propped up his gun against his shoulder, as if reminding Hatter who had the power to kill.

“Well, that depends on the card your group brought back. Did you say it was six of spades?”

This time it was Aguni who replied, “Yes.”

Hatter frowned for a second, and looked down at a piece of paper that I just realized he was carrying. He traced his writing with his fingers slowly and looked pensive for a moment before speaking.

“Well I’ll be damned. You two now are perfectly tied,” Hatter said, sounding disappointed.

“So, what does that mean now?”  You asked worriedly. You got the feeling that you weren’t exactly out of the woods yet.

Hatter paused again, presumably to think. You were surprised at how much thought he was putting into this. You looked over at Chishiya, who was staring blankly at a bug writhing on the floor. He looked oblivious as to the quandary Hatter now found himself in. 

In fact, you thought, it looked like Chishiya didn’t care about what was happening at the meeting at all.

An stepped forward, always the voice of reason. “There should be an evaluative measure to see who’s more deserving of the title. Maybe a duel of sorts between the two?”

You grinned, and brandished your rifle playfully. Chishiya made eye contact with you as you scanned him up and down. He had a lithe figure that was not particularly athletic. 

“I’d go for a gun duel any day. Or maybe even some sparring would be fun. It’s been ages since I last beat someone up,” you said. To your surprise, Chishiya didn’t seem the least bit intimidated.

Hatter waved you off almost immediately. “No, no, no! Chishiya– no offense– would get creamed. I’ll think about a way to determine who gets to keep the position. In the meantime, (Name) and Chishiya will share the number 9 executive room temporarily.”

“What?” you blurted before you could stop yourself. At this comment, Chishiya also appeared startled.

“I said temporarily. You know, just to see how things go. You can keep your room, (Name), and Chishiya can get a taste of the executive lifestyle. Plus, it’ll give me a chance to see how you guys handle things up close. So, what do you say–up for sharing a room for a while?” Even though Hatter had now phrased the situation like you had a choice, you knew that in reality you had none.

You sighed and lowered your head before nodding.

“I have no problem with it,” was the first and only thing Chishiya said coolly.

Hatter clapped his hands together. “Great! Executives dismissed.”

As soon as you exited the meeting room, you turned the corner to slide against the wall. You placed your rifle next to you, and used your arms to cover your head. This was the worst possible outcome of the meeting. 

“Hey, I need your key,” a voice interrupted your misery.

You uncovered yourself to look up at the person who spoke. Chishiya was holding his hand out expectedly.

When you didn’t move or respond, he prompted you again impatiently. “Hatter needs to make a copy for me.”

You ripped the key off your wristband and dropped it unceremoniously into his waiting palm before storming off with your rifle.

“Thanks” he said dryly to your back.

You went to find Niragi to kill him, because the meeting was not absolutely insane or absolutely moronic.

It was somehow a worse cocktail combination of the two.

[manygeese]

ok we’re so back guys (shoutout to @demigod-shenanigans)

Piper and Leo’s Book Club

Piper was lingering near the doors of the library, waiting for a certain best friend of hers to arrive for book club. They’d joined it after the great schedule fiasco, taking weeks to settle on a club to share with each other. At one point, they’d had a conspiracy board laid out in Piper’s bedroom, with a list of clubs, their pros, and cons on it.

YEARBOOK CLUB

PROS: looks good on college applications

CONS: child labor

COOKING CLUB

PROS: for all ye poor souls who have not family and consumer sciences

CONS: Piper has never touched a pan in her life and may spontaneously combust

LGBTQ+ CLUB

PROS: like minded individuals

CONS: we were going to join this anyways and we need something ✨special✨

Finally, they found one they could agree on:

BOOK CLUB

PROS: media literacy!!! hell yeah

CONS: ain’t none (honorable mention: nerdy as fuck)

So there Piper was, at one end of the campus while Leo had to make his way over from the other one, on a hot August day. Piper flipped through the pages of her book, which she had narrowly finished before the meeting, hoping to whatever gods were real that nobody asked her comprehension questions about it. She was barely awake when she had read the last few chapters of it last night.

Two figures turned the corner, making Piper look up from the book to see who it was. She scoffed when she made eye contact with Leo. “Took you long enough!” She yelled, putting her hands up to her mouth to make the sound travel farther (not needed; his eardrums would have burst either way).

“Oh, I’m sorry your highness, I had to haul my ass all the way here from the 100 building. That’s like, 17 miles,” he hollered back.

Jason laughed from where he walked next to Leo. Shucking off one of the backpacks hanging off his shoulder, he handed it to his boyfriend, who hugged it to his chest. Leo leaned up to give him a peck on the cheek. “Thanks for carrying it, babe. Have fun at football practice.” Leo fell into his spot beside Piper and waved goodbye as Jason continued walking.

“Bye, Leo. Bye, Pipes.” Jason waved back.

“Bye, Jason,” Piper and Leo said at the same time. “Jinx. Jinx again.”

They squabbled over who had to buy who a soda as they entered the library, lowering their voices to whisper-shouts when they noticed nobody else was nearly as loud.

“Oh, by the way, did you read the book? ‘Cuz I sure as hell didn’t,” Leo drawled, slamming his backpack down on a random table. Piper followed suit.

“You had two whole weeks, man.” Piper eyed him judgingly.

Leo rolled his eyes in a fashion that looked painful. “And those two whole weeks were used to study for my first multicultural literature test, idiot.”

“How does one study for a literature test, hmm? Does one, mayhaps, read?”

“I hope you get Juliet in the play so I can watch you die.”

Piper laughed a little louder than was appropriate. “Ok, but what were you really doing? Because I know for a fact that you never study.”

Leo held his hands up in surrender. “You caught me. I was, like, a quarter into the book yesterday afternoon when Nyssa came in asking for help on a project. She was building a model for her world geo class, something about replicating the Parthenon, so naturally I accepted. I didn’t spend hours listening to Annabeth yap about Greek culture for noth-“

“Hi, Annabeth!” Piper greeted cheerfully, looking between Leo and the girl coming up behind him.

“Did I say yap? I meant expound. Expound elegantly and gracefully, which I am forever grateful for.” Leo turned around quick as a flash, gesturing theatrically with his hands to explain himself.

Annabeth had a smirk on her face as she flopped her book bag down next to theirs. “I’m glad you liked my expounding, Leo.”

“Always, smartypants.” Leo sent a few finger guns her way. She returned them half-heartedly. “Actually, could you take a look at the blueprints? Nyssa was kind of uncertain about the details. Apparently she doesn’t trust me. Tragic.”

“Tragic, indeed.” she said, pulling her reading glasses off of the collar of her forest green sweater. “Let me see.”

~*~

Piper was stuck among various kinds of nerds, she thought with a bored sigh. Annabeth and Leo, obviously, were geeks. Annabeth’s friend Malcolm was so clearly a dweeb. And Piper herself was a dork by proximity.

It was nearing the end of book club, around 3:00. Leo had somehow bullshitted his way into getting others to think he read the book, while Piper and Annabeth had squealed about how cool the premise was. Piper talked about the sustained metaphors, Annabeth rambled about the imagery, Leo tried to derail the conversation to discuss what happened in his fifth period, Annabeth shushed him, Piper shushed him, Malcolm shushed him, Leo grumbled under his breath about them being no fun, so on and so forth.

The librarian shooed them out of the library at 3:05, fretting about a meeting of the school committee of something or other in 10 minutes. Piper and Leo gladly left the premises, with Annabeth heading out to study with Malcolm at Town Center.

“I’m gonna go watch the football practice. I think Hazel’s there, too, should be fun if you want to tag along,” Leo offered, already walking backwards towards the football field. He swung his backpack back and forth, having not yet put it on.

Clang, said the support pillar that Leo ran into.

“You should really stop walking backwards,” Piper stated after she stopped laughing. Leo rubbed at the back of his head, giving her a glare.

“Fuck you. I meant it when I said I want to watch you die.”

Piper pulled out her phone and opened her text messages. “Sorry, my dad’s already here for pickup. Have fun watching your himbo boyfriend work out, you sap,” she spat as she ran out to the parking lot.

“I’ll tell him you said that!”

[heartkaji]

[ @seneon ]

★ OVERVIEW

SEN MY ABSOLUTE WIFE, this took forever and i am SO sorry. it started with me procrastinating yours cuz i knew i had to make it 10x more special and get it as right as possible but the pressure just made me put it off way too long. and yes, there is still more to your request, just be patient with me. anyways i still have ur original request in my inbox and did you know your little note at the end was the first time you ever said you love me? you always you ‘heart’ me because you feel like love is a strong word so you never ever use it. when i saw it i smiled so hard it was embarrassing. it’s crazy how now we can throw the word around between ourselves💓. i love you so much my silly goth gf, enjoy the read 💓💘

Q1 — HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET ?

college au. at toga’s house. you and himiko are partners for a psychology project and toga is doing anything but pulling her weight. the deadline is fast approaching and since toga’s not answering your texts, in the heat of your emotions you pull up to her house unannounced, desperate to get the work done. ofc she’s not happy about your impromptu visit, but after a good scolding she has no choice but to let you in and lead you up to her room where you use her laptop to finish up her part of the assignment.

“oh, who are you?”

you’ve been in toga’s room for nearly two house when the door opens abruptly, revealing a dark haired male with stitches littered across his face. his silver rings glitter in the bright fluorescent lighting, and he’s eyeing you up & down like you’re some kind of animal exhibit. silence passes before he begins to make his way towards you on the bed.

“hey what—“

“i’ve seen you around school before,” you only now notice the can of redbull in his hands. he takes a sip and sloshes it around, “the pretty girl from one of toga’s classes. i’ve seen you with her a bunch.”

“first of all, personal space, ew,” you spit when dabi dips his head to look into the laptop, tufts of black hair tickling the skin of your arm. you pull the laptop into your lap. “second, you’re one of those dumb Alpha Phi boys. get away from me.”

“dumb ?” he clutches his chest, “you wound me.”

dabi is quick to make himself comfortable on the bed. he props his redbull on the nightstand before relaxing into the sheets, yanking a pillow from behind you and even taking his time to lift the covers over his lower body. you’re about to protest when he yanks the laptop out of your hands and into his lap. “so what are we working on, dollface ?”

“we ?”

“notice how you didn’t comment on the nickname,” he flashes you a boyish grin & your lips twist with disgust. you hate him already. you’re about to shoot a retort when the door swings open,

“y/n? have you seen a—hey! no sex on my sheets!”

“what the—“

Q1O — AT WHAT MOMENT DID THEY FALL IN LOVE ?

imo, you and touya are those friends that EVERYONE thinks are in a relationship but somehow aren’t. how can you blame them? the way dabi’s arms instinctively move to grab your waist in a loving back hug when you’re near him, or the way he says goodbye with a small kiss on your neck—those are all things reserved for couples. ever since you and touya got comfortable as friends, you two became touchy and physically affectionate. it all started with dabi gently drawing circles on your sides when you were trying to talk into his ear once at a really loud party, his fingers soothing the anxiety in your voice when you complained about how uneasy you felt. ever since that day he became unnecessarily touchy with you, looking for excuses to lie his head in your lap and kiss your knuckles if you’d let him.

i think at first dabi was just whoring around. and you thought so too of course. you hadn’t known him for nearly as long as he knew his other friends, so the idea of dabi actually having feelings for you wasn’t something you considered. you had experience with frat boys like him; they lived to flirt with anyone and everyone, and you thought this was just another example of that. but it was dabi & he smelled like oud wood & had lips that felt soft against your skin so you let him have your way with you regardless.

sorry girl but dabi was indeed whoring around—in the beginning at least. i feel like the moment dabi was like, “damn, i like her.” was on a late night ‘date’ at a skatepark. touya hit you up at 2am and you obliged. now it’s nearly four and he’s steadying your waist between his palms as he tries to help you balance on his skateboard for the sixth time that night.

“come on pretty…see? you’ve got it.”

at this point dabi is just gaslighting you into believing you actually do got it. even as he reassures you, you’re a wobbling mess, gripping his shoulders for dear life as the board rocks under your feet. you don’t miss the way he winces under your grip. “fuck, easy sen i got you—“

“ahk!”

the board slips from under your feet and you collapse onto the male. you groan in pain but the boy beneath you starts laughing.

“there’s no way you’re actually giggling right now.”

“you should’ve seen your face,” he wipes imaginary tears with his left hand, but you don’t miss the way his right crawls up your shirt. “i told you i got you. can’t you just focus on me ?”

it’s hard to focus when dabi traces hearts on the small of your back. you choose not to comment. “you ‘had’ me the last five times. and i still fell.”

he takes his hand out of your shirt. your back feels cold and the warmth shifts to your cheeks instead. he cradles your face in his palms, “you weren’t focusing then either. stop looking at the ground, yeah ?”

“okay,”

“good girl. wanna try again ?”

“hell no, take me home,” he grins. you get off him & he dusts himself off. “shall we?”

he extends a palm but you loop an arm around his bicep instead. “hurry, i’m cold.”

touya blinks. your nose is pink-tinged and cheeks red-dappled. you stifle a sneeze and he thinks you’re beautiful.

he shakes his head, “yeah, yeah—let’s go.”

Q16 — HOW WAS YOUR FIRST KISS LIKE ?

tbh i feel like you and dabi had already kissed a bunch of times while being ‘just friends’. i’d say the first time you had a proper kiss though, you were at a carnival fair with dabi and his friends. the entire time there the two of you were being teased for being a couple, with toga and the others all referring to you as dabi’s girlfriend.

anyway, later in the day toga and twice claim they want to go on the ferris wheel. neither you nor dabi are into slow paced rides like that so you opt to go on something else. twice and toga aren’t having it though; they argue that the two of you need to come along with them, and after continuously refusing you and dabi finally give in. the four of you are the last at the ferris wheel but instead of being seated all together, toga and twice get parked up with the couple in front of them (much to the couple’s dismay). that leaves you and dabi with a car to yourselves, and you consider sitting this one out but dabi gently pushes you along before you can verbally refuse.

“a car to ourselves? lucky us,” dabi whistles while fastening your seatbelt. you eye him as he does so, gaze fixed as he settles into his seat and fixes his hair.

“what are you guys planning ?”

dabi feigns surprise. “whatever do you mean, sen?”

“you’re so obvious, touya. you let twice and toga convince you to ride the ferris wheel way too easily.”

“i don’t know what you’re talking about,” dabi sings, a half smile on his face as he unbuckles his seat belt to rest his head in your lap. “i said no at first, just like you did.”

“no, you said yes first. then when i said no, you said no. and then afterwards you said yes.”

“you sound crazy.” “don’t gaslight me, touya.”

“sheesh, can’t you just, i dunno, enjoy the ride ?” he flicks at your forehead and you slap his fingers away from your face while he laughs. “if you wanted to go on here with me so badly, you could’ve just asked.”

dabi’s eyes meet yours and you swear the atmosphere shifts. “would you have said yes ?”

he takes your hand in his as you speak, “would you have wanted me to ?” you tease.

“obviously,” he presses his lips to your knuckles. then again, and again.

“that’s tough. i hate ferris wheels, i’d probably have said no.”

“aww, that’s mean. you see why i had to make up a whole plan now ?” his fingers drop your hand and move to cup your cheeks instead.

“so you were planning something !”

“mhm,” dabi pulls your face into his, his lips grazing against your own. you give in and part your lips to let him pull you deeper, but just as you do he pulls away with a sneaky grin on his lips.

“you’re terrible,” you mutter.

“so mean,” he fake pouts, and he pulls you in to kiss him again.

Q17 — THEIR FAVORITE ACTIVITY TO DO WITH YOU

cosplaying. except you’re the one doing all the cosplays.

touya adores the process. you shopping for clothes online using his card, asking what he thinks about each article of clothing before you even think of purchasing. it makes him feel all big and important, and he loves loves telling you how good you’ll look in each item you plan to buy.

his favorite part is arguably the makeup session. usually you just have to throw in some eyeliner, but some cosplay looks call for more dramatic makeup. he loves how you use his lap as a chair, shifting around as you please as he watches you in awe. when you’re doing your makeup you’re so utterly focused, if not for the way his bony fingers knead your thigh you’d probably forget he’s there. he thinks you look beautiful like this, knife angled beside your eye as a guide for your liner because you insist it gives a sharper wing. gosh you’re so fucking gorgeous—he trails his palm up your stomach underneath your shirt and you’re quick to swat him away, grumbling about how he’s making you lose focus. your apathy gets him all hot & heavy—before you know it his breathing sounds weird & low and you want to ask him what’s wrong but you already know what’s up. instead you indulge him a little by allowing him to wrap his arms around your waist, chapped lips dragging against your neck & shoulder blades while you apply the perfect blood shade lipstick.

and we can’t forget what happens after you’re done with your makeup. now that your cosplay is fully ready, you make it a point to give him a show 💓 he’ll ask you to twirl for him, do a little spin—at first you refuse but who are you to deny your pretty boyfriend, especially when he pleads with you so lovingly ? you give him what he wants and the entire time he has a stupid grin plastered across his face, biting his lower lip to keep his smile from spreading even wider. you’re so fucking pretty and dabi’s not sure what to do with all that. he beckons you over and you kneel in his lap, playing upset because he interrupted your show 💔 he apologizes for his audacity before begging you to kiss him in full cosplay 💘

# DABISEN CORE !

© ─ heartkaji ; do not steal, copy, edit, translate or reupload

[thomotomo]

Hi! Hope you're having a good day! I'm the same anon who requested the love triangle of Faker x reader x Keria, my fixation for League and T1 came stronger than ever this time, my mind only thinks about faker, I just can't help it. TT

Maybe I'm projecting myself in this one, but like...Faker with a reader who is studying arts and like, although the reader loves what he does, he can't help but feel anxiety and sadness cuz, you know, it's very difficult to live from being an artist. I just know Faker would hug and comfort us and tell us that everything will be fine. :(

This is probably too long lmao, but I just needed to get it off my chest! Have a good day/night. <3

A/N: Heya anon! Thanks for trusting me with your request again hehe 🫶 I sooo feel you on only having Faker on your mind, I totally relate lmao- I was fast to write this one hehe (it hit veeeery close from home for me too lmao) I hope you'll enjoy it~

You didn't knew why you started feeling this way. You had always been so sure about the path you wanted to take but now the only thing you could do was worry. Maybe it was the fact that this was your last year in school and after that you'd be thrown into the wild west of adulthood and job hunting and you were scared of that?

You were deeply in love with what you were studying, even if it was hard at times with all the deadlines and such but you were really interested in your domain, it had been hard to push for your parents to allow you to study in this field. After all it wasn't the most lucrative nor recognized path, even though it had became widely accepted lately it was still hard to make a proper living out of it and talking about it during meals with your family was a risk to have a ton of judgement from them. So you couldn't vent your frustration and sadness to them whenever you met up and it was weighing heavily on your mind.

You stepped inside your apartment putting down your bag at the entrance and took off your shoes. You headed into your room and laid face down on your bed, you felt very empty and very stressed. The anxiety was slowly creeping up on you. You stood up suddenly and decided to take a look at all the drawings you had made throughout your college years, your favourite photographies looming over you and an immense dread was filling you as you looked at each of these - your- art pieces. You had always loved looking back on your growth but right now, they all looked so ugly.

And so, your mind could only criticise all of the mistakes you were seeing. You couldn't help but get the urge to destroy it, after all was it really worth it? You wouldn't be guaranteed a living right out of college, you probably wouldn't make enough to live a comfortable life unlike office workers and yet it was the path that you were headed in, you were really into it but your mind was filled with doubts, what if you couldn't find anything? You still had to pay your bills somehow so most likely you'll have to find a full time job in a shitty supermarket and then you'll just be too focused on making money to try to pursue your dream and you

You were so engrossed in your downward spiral and panic that you hadn't heard Sanghyeok coming back. He stepped into your bedroom and as he saw how much you were engrossed into your panic, he sat down next to you and gently took your hand in his.

"(Y/N)-ah? Are you okay?"

You looked at him with wide eyes, his face softened as he watched your eyes filling with tears, you sniffled and put down your sketchbook. Sanghyeok picked up and put it back on your table, and seated again next to you, the two of you had already spoken about this and your feelings towards your future work area but he had never seen you in this state before.

"I'm sorry.", you chuckled between two sniffles.

"Don't be it's okay. Do you want to speak about it?"

You didn't say anything and just shook your head negatively. Your boyfriend wrapped an arm around your shoulder, trying to give you with the best of his abilities, a hug. He gently pressed kisses on the temple of you head. He knew what you felt, the uncertainty of the future and of your career, he had felt the same multiple times throughout the years and he knew that reassurances didn't always help but he was here, and support was probably the best thing he could give to you.

"Don't worry too much right now. I'll be with you every step of the way okay?"

You nodded quietly, wrapping your arms around his waist, nuzzling into his neck, trying to calm yourself down. Sanghyeok's warmth was already making you feel better, you were already quite clingy usually but when you were in this kind of mood it was even worse. The older male was gently patting your hair as your hiccuping slowed down and you got your head out of his neck, using one of your hands to swipe away the tears. Sanghyeok looked at you with a small smile on his lips, you still looked very adorable even after crying, and well, he had brought back some of your favourite meat to cook.

"I have everything to make you donkatsu, would you feel better if I do that?"

Your eyes shined in excitement as soon as you heard the word "donkatsu". Sanghyeok chuckled and stood up, bringing you with him, the two of you headed to the kitchen and you watch as your boyfriend started to work on your food. The two of you were discussing, some quiet music playing in the background, calming your nerves, you helped him into making the sauce and the rice so the two of you could eat quicker, despite Sanghyeok's protests.

When the meal was ready you took a seat on your couch and you couldn't help but admire the food and observe your favourite man bringing back chopsticks and your preferred soda. Sanghyeok looked at you curiously, his lips being turned up in a cat-like gentle smile.

"Thank you for being here for me Hyeok..."

"Of course jagi. Here eat and ease your mind."

He took a piece of the meat and fed it to you making your cheeks flush slightly, making him grin. The two of you ate in a very comfortable silence and once you finished the meal you both cleaned up the plates and Sanghyeok laid down on couch opening his arms to you. You chuckled and laid down on him, breathing in his scent.

"I know you're worried about the future but as I said I will always be here for you. I know what you feel and just as you're supporting me, I'll support you."

Your heart swelled as you listened to him talk, and your arms tightened around him. Sanghyeok gently kissed the top of your head, soothing a bit of your anxiety away. You laid there, listening to his heartbeat, which definitely helped you calming down and made you drift away into a nice sleep.

[lovelykil]

hi!!! may i req a kyle fic w/ a shy!fem!blk!reader who's REALLY quiet and almost never speaks and kyle lowkey has a crush on her and one day they're paired up for a project and they're gonna meet up at his house kyle is super excited but y/n is SUPER nervous because she likes kyle too but while they're working on the project kyle mentions something y/n really likes (fav tv show, game, wtv u want!) and y/n gets SUPERRR happy and starts rambling about that thing and it makes kyle super confused cuz hes like "woah u never talk in class??" but he lowkey thinks its super cute + he asks her out on a date after they finish all their work and y/n says yes!

sorry if its too long this is like my 1st req ever😭

「 Zelda 」

kyle x blk! reader older ver.

cw; mm none

note; this is a reasonable looking request I love when people write it like that

oh god what am I doing here? Why would she pair me with him?

You thought, taking a quick glance over at the redhead. The boy moved his pencil across his sheet of paper effortlessly, the gears in his head were indeed moving with the way he wrote so fast.

His green eyes squinted then relaxed as he wrote, he sucked in his lip every once in a while as he did so.

Your eyes studied him in adornment, so infatuated with his natural beauty that your stomach began to churn and grow uncomfortable.

"mmh..-" You hummed in distress, rubbing your stomach.

The ginger looked your way from the sudden sound and stared at you in slight confusion.

"Anything wrong?" He asked.

anything wrong? Yes why are you so handsome??

Your eyes left him to look at your lifeless pencil, suddenly the object was very interesting.

You quietly shook your head as you were too nervous to even let out a peep at him. Kyle looked at you, studying your demeanor trying to figure you out.

You could feel his eyes glued onto you, with every given second he stared you grew nervous and flustered, messing with the pencil some more.

God if you could actually blush your face would be red as fuck, or just be able to see it.

"I.. uhm.. so paper? What.. what are we doing..?"

"Oh- !" Kyle snapped out of his trance and looked at his paper then pulled out his folder to grab the small story you guys were supposed to study and analyze.

You watched him put the stapled set of papers down between him and you then put his folder away. His little curls fell infront of his face as he was reaching into his bag, you felt your stomach weaken once more.

"I've read this story a billion times so if you want I can just do the work.. I'm kinda used to it anyway." He grabbed the story to himself, grabbing his pencil again. You sat in your seat a little dumbfounded.

I mean did you really come off as a push over to him? Oh god.

You wanted to say something, say you actually wanted to help.. you wanted to help him do the project with him, you REALLY wanted to do the project with..

okay maybe you just really wanted him.

but as normal your shyness got the best of you and couldn't get yourself to croak out a word. You clenched your hands into a fist in anger at this but suddenly an idea popped in your head.

You grabbed your blank paper, your pencil and began writing.

Just seconds later you ended your note with a kind smile, then slid it towards Kyle to read.

The teen stopped his work as soon as he saw the piece of paper find its way near him, he took the paper in surprise and curiosity.

"Really? You wanna help?" He looked to the side to ask you, his eyes bright and eager. You played with a strain of your curly hair as you looked at him and nodded your head with a small smile.

"Why wouldn't I?" You let out a slight chuckle, feeling your face warm up as he just continued to stare at you in awe.

"I- okay. Yeah.. okay uhh so.. the story.." He mumbled over his words, trying to grab a hold of the story, his thinking process was abruptly disturbed for some reason causing him to get nervous and stutter.

You didn't think much of it, shrugged it off and listened to what you two were supposed to be working on together, side by side at his desk.

. . .

"You know this girl in the story reminds me alot of Zelda." Kyle smiles as he laughs briefly writing down some words. Your head perks up almost like a dog when they hear the sound of their treat bag wrinkling in the hands of their owner.

You guys were probably almost done with the English project, exchanging some words but kept it to a minimum since you were overall to shy to make small talk with. I mean hell, being next to him so close right now was driving you insane.

Kyle was actually struggling inside as well, his cheeks always redden whenever your elbow touched his on accident when you wrote. But he actually enjoyed the silent moments with you, keeping it in mind that you were just too shy and nervous to talk to him so that's why he didn't say much.

"Zelda? Like.. as in the Legend of Zelda game series?" You blurted out, looking over at him. He slowly took his eyes off his paper to look at you.

"Yeah, you know that ga-"

"Oh my god yes, I love that game dude" you dropped your pencil, feeling a surge of adrenaline and excitement pump through your body. Kyle looked at you in surprise, his mouth agape in fascination. The boy set his tool down and faced you.

"You do? What's your favorite game??"

"It's hard but I'd say maybe Twilight Princess.. gosh Zelda looked so pretty in that game."

"Oh my god, that's also my favorite I mean besides Breath of the Wild-"

Your eyes sparkled as your hand covered your mouth in shock. "You ALSO like BOTW? The graphic in that game was insane, and don't even get me started on the scenery! It's all so beautiful, I took like a dozen pictures with the sheikah slate." You rambled, covering up your wide smile.

"I can't believe someone else loves that game, my friends say it's dumb but-"

"They just don't get it? Yeah that checks out. You know what they'll never understand how great and complex that game is, it's literally my favorite game since I was like 13." You put your hand down after one last laugh.

Kyle blinked, completely in surprise at your sudden mood switch. He never knew such a person as yourself would be into such a dorky and nerd game like that, not that it was bad.. far from that.

It made his crush on you grow more just by relating to one of his favorite interests. His heart raced as you went further on to express your love for the game with a little giddy smile and your small laughs to block out your nerves.

His face was a nice shade of pink, watching you in the moment with his cheek resting in the palm of his hand as he rested his elbow on the desk.

He would nod his head in agreement every once in a while but would just remain taking in your beauty, being memorized by the way you talked.

He wished he could stay and listen to you talk more but the day was ending and you had to be home at a certain time.

When you two got back to work after sharing a wonderful moment with each other, the silence was broken a little more.

"No yeah I hate the lynles too, they are ridiculously hard to beat."

"Riiighttt?? To be fair I haven't beaten one myself.. after completing the game like 4 times." You sulked in embarrassment. Kyle chuckled, putting his papers in his folder.

You smiled at his laugh, feeling your heart race. Though your smile faded when you reached to look at your phone to check the time.

"Oh crap I gotta go." You set your phone into your pocket, rushing to grab your stuff.

"Oh- you do? I mean oh yeah." Kyle watched as you hurried to put your stuff into your bag, his heart ached wanting you to stay some more.

But he knew he couldn't possibly ask you to stay the night, that would be weird.. But he knew something else that may just work..

As you lifted your bag to put on your shoulders Kyle rose up from his chair and rushed toward you. He put his hand on your shoulder to ask something. You looked at his hand on your shoulder then up at him, your eyes puzzled yet surprised.

He looked back at you and opened his mouth but to no avail, nothing came out and he just stared at you. Suddenly he turned into a hot mess beginning to sweat.

You could see a pearl of sweat drip down on the side of his face, you looked toward the ground quickly.

"Is... there something you wanna say Kyle?" You mumbled with a nervous grin you couldn't swat off. He quickly removed his hand away from your shoulder and rubbed the back of his neck, avoiding your gaze.

"I- uh.."

"Hmm?"

"oh god."

The boy cleared his throat after a moment of awkward silence, he composed himself and took a breath.

You began to twirl your hair again, getting shy from this awkward silence.

"I had fun also I think you're super cool! And uhm I was.. just wondering.. if you were maybe free Saturday?" He spat out. His eyes laid back on you, they were soft and sensitive with a little nervous smile plastered on his cute face.

"Are you asking me out?" You covered your mouth to hide the wide smile.

"I guess I am." He chuckled, setting his hand down.

You immediately bobbed your head up and down, putting your straps onto your shoulders.

"I would love to go out with you!"

[olderjodijournals]

Tuesday, December 1, 1998

 

Spot died. The one with the tumor. I put her in one of the coffee cans I saved. She was lying at the bottom of the 3-story house they have in the big aquarium. Now I only have 7 mice. Too few.

I made a pets file in the cardfile thing. I’ve got two index cards so far. One for dates animals were bought or born. One for when they died. Spot’s birth/death dates are 11/13/1997-12/1/1998.

I called Andy to see if he wanted to talk and he said he’ll call me around 10:00.

I’m recording some Christmas music now. The DTV has a station that plays Christmas music and it’s commercial-free.

I’m now reading Smoke by Ruby Jean Jensen.

I realized something last night. It’s been a while since I had those constant dizzy spells I’d get.

Tom said he heard a medical report saying there was no connection between smokers and thinness. That’s not what I’ve heard, but that’s cool to know. I think most women are fat cuz most women have kids, and I think most guys are fat cuz most guys eat like pigs.

I printed out November’s journal and used Gloria’s pictures bordering the tops of the pages. It looks good. I printed out Gloria’s and Norah’s pictures for borders, and at some point, I’ll do family pictures, and maybe my journals too.

It didn’t rain today as they predicted, so Tom did some roofing. About two-thirds of it is done.

Later…

If Andy calls on time, and I’m sure he will, I’m gonna have to listen to him go on and on for two grueling hours. Why’s he gotta take so long to tell me about himself when he has no life to begin with, as even he admits?

Friday, December 4, 1998

 

Yes, I’m 33 today. Anyway, it’s about time I do some writing.

Yesterday, we planned to have me stay up as long as I could. Without Benadryl that was no problem. I was up 19-20 hours before I fell asleep but get this - I slept through his nail gun all day! I’ve come a long way since those mad butches and project animals. He finished at 4:00 and at 6:00 I woke up. I was still tired, but couldn’t go back to sleep, so I took a Benadryl and slept till just after midnight. Guess I was beat!

Tom wished me a happy birthday when I got up, and if you think I’m gonna spend my birthday worrying about dieting - think again! So I had him pick me up some stuff from Jack-n-the-Box and he got some stuff too.

I noticed an envelope on top of the scanner where Tom places my mail when he gets it and thought, oh no! The handwriting looked like Dureen’s, but it was a nice card from Evie.

Fortunately, I have no vibes of any assholes trying to contact me, but if they did, it’d only be cuz they were trying to win me over so they could fuck me over yet again. It’s not gonna happen for the millionth time, of course, cuz any calls that may come in will be ignored. An hour later, he went to work. He had gotten the night off, but as the bank usually does, they fuck his schedule over and push overtime on him, so he had to go in tonight. That’s OK, though. Gives me a chance to catch up on my writing.

When I came in here, there was a message on my wallpaper from Tom. On a pink background with some cactuses and balloons, he wrote: Happy Birthday Jodi Lin.

Then I went to check my email and got 4 messages from Evie. You heard right - 4 messages. One seemed to be blank, but the others were saying a little bit about what was going on with her and how she was thinking of me on my birthday, and the last one was great. I told her I prefer dirty jokes. It just seems that the raunchier they are, the funnier. So she sent me this thing that had a list of things about Thanksgiving that sounded dirty, but weren’t, like, what a huge breast! And it must be broken cuz every time I squeeze the tip, nothing comes out.

My period’s starting. At least it seems to be starting again. Still, I’m gonna go ahead and call to set up a time for the uterus scan.

Yesterday, I finished the huge task of taking out all our pictures and reorganizing the photo albums. It helped me to push my schedule by keeping super busy, but it sure was a big job! It was fun and worth it, too.

I forgot to mention something about Melanie that I noticed, and thought was a bit odd. I noticed she had a thin gold wedding band on her thumb. There were no rings on any other fingers. I had thought, though, that I saw some sort of diamond on her ring finger when we first met. Could she be getting a divorce? I hope not for her sake, cuz I want her to be happy.

El cocko’s been taking its bitch back at the end of the day, but the thing that worries me is all the time he’s taking to do so. He was here for an hour and a half the other day and this worries me. He didn’t take an hour and a half to see the mistake. This I know. No guy like the scum he is would do that so that only leaves one other probable thing and I don’t like it. This cock is trying to get on her good side and weasel back in here. Then when it comes in here, things will be OK in the beginning, except for its constant door slamming, and then the music will start back up. Uh-uh. Ain’t gonna happen, Mikey! You come back, you’ll be bounced right back out!

I’d love to really do some detective work and follow her someday. Not just to see where she goes out of curiosity, but to really freak her out even more when she reads that I know where she goes. It’ll be one thing to read that I’ve got her unlisted phone number, and her account number as far as her housing goes, among a few other things, but something like this should really give her the creeps.

For my birthday, Tom ordered me Sunshine and Lollipops. She was ordered on the 2nd.

I called to ask about Patrice, whom I was last told would be shipped on 12/12, but she left on 11/18 and is on her way! It takes 10-15 business days for dolls to go from the company to the people, so I’d say she’ll be here sometime next week.

If Tom’s mom remembers or even cares, to tell you the truth, to send me $33, I’ll get Edie from the doll store.

Sometime next week, Tom wants to take me to pick out some baby mice! I like the new idea better than the old one. Originally, we were gonna get a male mouse to impregnate all my female mice, but instead, we’re gonna get a few pregnant females. As we well know, all you need is 3 pregnant females to give you more than you need as far as increasing the population goes. Better to get a few young pregnant ones than to impregnate the 7 I’ve got and put these old mice through the hassles of that.

Later…

Andy had me on the phone for quite a while a couple of days ago, but I managed to get out of it just over an hour into the conversation. The sad thing about it was, was that the whole time we talked, he didn’t tell me anything new except for the good news that his AIDS test was negative and that he hated the L.A. traffic.

He was totally stoned. Not able to understand much of what I was saying, not letting me get a word in edgewise too well, and just going on and on and on about the same old goddamn, boring things. Aaaaaarrrgggggghhhhhhhh!

I reminded myself of how I used to love hearing from him and I felt a twinge of guilt for finding him so annoying, but I can’t help it. I’ve changed and he hasn’t. I just don’t find Andy of interest to me anymore. No, I won’t dump him, cuz he hasn’t harmed me. I want to be there for him whenever possible, I want him to have love with David or with someone, but I just wish he’d hurry up and get the fuck back east! I still doubt it’s gonna happen, and he’s changed his plan once again. He’s not going in May with his aunt and uncle. But before I could get the chance to ask why he told me he was gonna drive back in April. I don’t know if he’ll go, but I’d rather type him letters than listen to him babble about the usual once or twice a week for an hour, then be too much of a stoned airhead to remember anything he told me or that I told him. The question is, though, will he remember the things I write to him? He told me that he remembers reading the encouraging letter I just sent him and that he was touched by it, but can’t remember a damn thing I said. That’s sad. He also says he couldn’t remember that Michelle just turned 24. He thought she was gonna be 25. He guessed me to be turning 34. He said his memory problem couldn’t be all pot-related and I told him to go see a doctor, but I think it is all pot-related.

No one likes to be miserable. I know. I’ve been there. And I’d have done something about it the very first day I felt miserable if I could’ve, but a part of me wonders about Andy. Does he really care that he’s the way he is? I know he wants to be loved, and I believe he’d stay sober forever if he could, but does he really give a shit about working and other things? Are the phone and TV his only interests? I asked him if he felt he could want to get fired deep down, but he said no way, it’s such an awful thing to have to go through, and he didn’t see how I could think that he’d want to get fired as much as he does, but I don’t know. A part of me thinks he not only sets himself up to be fired out of fear, but so that he can have more time to be home watching TV, listening to Stevie Nicks, and gabbing on the phone for hours on end with a joint between his lips. I can kind of understand and relate to the wanting to be home more often. We’re both homebodies and if I were working full-time, I’d wish I could be home enjoying my stuff and doing the things I enjoy too, as Tom pointed out.

He also admits he eats like a pig when he can, yet he’s so big on people looking thin and young.

All he told me about L.A. was how shitty the traffic was and how gloomy he found L.A. to be.

Meanwhile, he says he’s gonna be calling temp agencies to see what’s available. So I guess he’ll stay with Red Lobster till they fire him, then work for another temp agency for a week or two.

Then he’s so negative about us moving, saying that there’s pollution outside the valley too, and more spiders, and shit like that. Why does he always find negative things to say about the things people look forward to doing/having, etc.?

Later…

The voice messaging thing for my pap results still hasn’t gotten my results. It’s still a little soon, though. If I don’t get my results by Monday, I’ll call the office. At least I can rest assured that there was nothing wrong. If there was something wrong, I’d have been contacted by now.

I had a burger, some fries, and a slice of cheesecake, and now, it’s popcorn time!

Later…

I know my doll won’t come today even though it could, technically. I’ll be home and awake at mail time.

It’s freezing out there now! The cool thing about being in the desert, though, is that in just a few hours it’ll be warm.

The cock was here picking its bitch up. The bitch has three different people that I know of to give her rides to and from work if she needs it. Three people! I couldn’t have gotten me one person, let alone three if I had been in her shoes years ago! Yes, she’s got three people between her cock, the tall thing in the light blue car that I think is her sister, and Bill.

I’ve been taping Christmas music, but so far, I could only get one good song. At one point, when I was scanning through a tape, I heard rap music. Some freeloaders got together and put out a Christmas song with a rap beat. Typical, typical freeloaders. They gotta do everything in such set ways. Everything to them is rap, drugs, violence, laziness, and church. They don’t know anything else. Most of them have no education whatsoever.

And a part of me still wishes I didn’t let her get a word out of her black mouth when it came yelling at my door last year. I should’ve just beat the fuck out of her right then and there before she could even utter a word, and how embarrassed I am for myself for writing that I hope her taking her tizzy fit makes her feel better. Like I really give a shit how that sick fuck feels? Yeah, right!

Later…

Damn! I gained 4 pounds today. All that just for taking one day off from eating so little? God, my metabolism’s so slow! I could eat my way back up to the mid-120s in less than a week.

Later…

Two days in a row there was a hang-up message from an unavailable source. These sales freaks almost never leave messages and it’s highly unusual to get hang-ups two days in a row. So let me guess - a certain bastard left these hang-ups from a place cross country from his trucking company?

I was right. No doll today. Could be tomorrow, but more likely, it’ll come Monday while we’re at Melanie’s.

I fell asleep about 4 hours earlier and woke up when Tom came home. After having one of his cakes he got, I fell back asleep till he went up on the roof.

Tom just left to get me some Chinese food and to get him something from Arby’s.

Got a nice card with teddy bears from Mom with a $33 check. I asked Tom about going to the doll store today and he said we could go if I really had to, but would rather work on the roof. So, we’ll go get the doll sometime next week, along with the mice.

Saturday, December 5, 1998

 

Once again, I fell asleep to the sound of his nail gun and I got up at 9 PM.

Fortunately, there were no unwanted calls/messages for me. There was a message from Tammy and Andy. I returned Andy’s message and will call Tammy tomorrow. Her message was sweet and sincere, but I got a kick out of how she lied about trying to call me several times. Not according to the Caller ID box. She also said she was calling from Mark’s. Then why did her number show up? God, that lying sister of mine! I still appreciated her message very much, though, and I know she means well.

I told Tom I wouldn’t even let Doe, Art, or Larry get the chance to leave a message if I saw their number show up. I’d pick the phone up and hang right back up on them. He said that wouldn’t be very smart, cuz what if someone was sick? So what? I said. Then he said that he’s not saying this will happen in the near future, but they know how much I like Goldie and Al. Yeah, so? That doesn’t mean they’d call to tell me they were sick if they were sick. Unless Tammy’s dumb enough to associate with them again and therefore tells me when they die, I know I can figure that in 10-15 years they’ll be gone. He said that’s not the way it works. Well, that’s the way it works with my family. Art wouldn’t call me if Dureen died. Larry wouldn’t call me if Sandy or Jen died.

I figured I’d gain the most I’d ever gained before in one day, but I only gained 4 pounds. I got up to 116 pounds. Tom said I’d wake up at 114 pounds. I figured that after diving into that Chinese food I’d hit 118, so I told him I’d wake up at 116. We were both wrong. I amazingly got up at 113. I’m really 4 more pounds than I say I am cuz house scales are always 4 pounds less than doctor’s scales and I’d think the doctor’s scales would be more accurate. So when I’m 113, I’m really 117. And when I’m really 117, I look 127!

Tom said that if I think the bangers that bang by are bad, I should hear what it’s like up on the roof. Lately, our local bangers haven’t been too bad. Just like with sales calls, they escalate, then they slack off, and back and forth. Up on the roof, you can hear everything, since it’s above any walls and the sound can just go right through. He said they banged by constantly, but most of them were miles away. I believe it. Give it another 10-20 years and you’ll be able to go up on your roof and hear stereos in California, that’s how desperate and lonely this society has become.

I was laughing to myself over that bitch and her trying to haul my ass into court. Here I say how courts don’t work and all that, yet in a sense, it did work for her. Ever since she tried having me served, I haven’t sent any wacky or hateful mail and there’s been no bottle tossing. In fact, this is the longest stretch of time where they haven’t forced me into doing something to them cuz of their shit. So in the end, and as of yet, we both got what we wanted - to not be bothered by one another.

Speaking of them bothering me, I don’t have a bad vibe for this weekend, but I’ll bet you anything that they’ll use the mistake’s birthday party as an excuse to be heard back after all that roofing noise. Again, not cuz noise bothers them, but just because it’s coming from over here. Even if we weren’t roofing, every so often there’ll be a bit of a ruckus from over there, like I said. Gotta remind me that they’re there. Gotta rebel a little. rolls eyes

I didn’t call the uterus people today, cuz those two spots were all I had. When the fuck is it ever gonna start? It’s like it gets wimpier and wimpier each month. Maybe the exam confused it. It seems I bled the most I’ve ever bled at one of these exams the last time, so maybe the exam threw it off. Oh well. It’s gotta start sooner or later.

As far as I know, we’re going to the doll store today at 10:00 when they open. I’ll have to remember to check out their collector’s Barbie dolls this time. I’m curious to compare their prices to the Barbie doll I saw for $17 in a drugstore. I wonder if they’ll have those 36” dolls he said they were getting for just $300?

I also wonder if Patrice will come today, although I think Monday or Tuesday is more likely. It’s just that Summer Dream was delivered on a Saturday.

Monday, December 7, 1998

 

It was a dead quiet weekend. No door slamming, no kids, even less barking. That’s because it was such an unusual Sunday full of nothing but rain. It could only rain on a Sunday afternoon cuz of Tom’s trying to finish that fucking roof! If he hadn’t been roofing, it would’ve been bright and sunny. Of course, God will make sure next weekend’s weather is just beautiful for the little animal’s birthday party.

Just when I think I’ve finally played Leak and Bucket for the last time, I have to do it all over again. A part of me wonders if this will ever end! I told myself the other day that once the roof was fixed, I’d never again take for granted having a solid roof over my head, but now I wonder if I’ll be paranoid for the next 5 years whenever it rains. The good and shocking part of it is that it didn’t leak in here. Water did drip through the unfinished parts of the roof into the attic where there were little tears in the tarp, but Tom went up and put buckets under those drips. The only new thing that appeared was a little strip of what looked to be a water stain seeping through a crack in the plaster in the living room. Tom, though, said he couldn’t find any moisture up in the attic and said that there was less than a teaspoon in each bucket he put up there. Not enough to cause that line, so was the line always there, and did I, who’s usually so observant, miss it?

I don’t know if I forgot to write this, but Tom buried Spot in one of Bunny’s old holes that needed to be filled in any way.

Backing up to Saturday. Saturday was cool and breezy too, but not like Sunday. Sunday was cold! You could see your breath in the air. Saturday posed a threat of rain too, and Tom didn’t exactly feel comfortable exposing the roof to work on it when it could’ve started raining. So we went way out of town to a hardware store just to waste our time. He was looking for some part for his nail gun, but the stupid male prick that worked there didn’t know shit. He was obviously having some problems with his son too, who kept calling him. The guy told his son that if he called one more time he wouldn’t be able to sit. So I joked with Tom about calling the store to ask if his son could still sit.

I wasn’t kidding when I said that something up there really wants to make it hard for me to get dolls. I really have to pay and go through a lot to get them. We were heading to the doll store since they’re closed on Sundays and Mondays, and oh my God! Phoenix is notorious for its constant construction that’s everywhere and I’m sooo fucking sick of it! We got held up in traffic for quite a while cuz they closed a part of the freeway. It felt like it took us 4 hours just to get to this goddamn store.

Both the Edie dolls were still there, but I was wrong about her price. I thought she was $30, but she was $40 just like Anne, and Tom said that was fine. They’re both Seymour Mann dolls. For the most part, the dolls in this store were boring. There was a doll that was rather unique and odd-looking, though. I wouldn’t want her, but she was cool to see for the sake of something different. It was just your typical doll with regular arms, legs, mouth, hair, etc., but she had lavender eyes!

That nice guy that works there whose name is Mark, so I heard, told me that it usually takes 7 weeks to make two dolls. I didn’t know the people in the classes got to make two. He said, though, that since it can get pretty addicting, some ladies have been with them for years. So I guess you can do all you pay for.

The Barbie dolls were about $20-$40. Most of them wore gorgeous dresses. That’s the problem - the really small dolls get the nice outfits, and the bigger dolls that I like get the outfits that aren’t as nice. Part of it is the difference between porcelain and Barbies. The Barbie doll’s bodies are whole bodies, but the porcelain ones have no bodies. The trunks of their bodies are just stuffing. There was, however, a porcelain doll that had most of her body, cuz she was a woman doll and she wore a gorgeous dress that didn’t cover as much as the girl’s dresses usually do. The dresses that go on the girl dolls aren’t as nice, of course, as the dresses that the women dolls get. There were some pretty fancy dresses on a few porcelain women dolls. One was dressed as a Vegas showgirl. One had such a fancy dress of such nice material and of jewels that she was $1000! I guess this is a new string of dolls, cuz I don’t remember seeing them before. Their faces and hair were boring, though, and they were all the same. Only the outfits were different.

Anyway, I’m hoping to get this gorgeous doll I saw with any Christmas money I get. She was beautiful! An angel doll of some sort with purple wings, a nice lavender dress, really long blond hair, and an elegant and graceful pose. She’s a shorter doll like Jessica and Sunshine and Lollipops at about 14”. Her face was nice, too. Just like Summer Dream, her head is turned to one side. The opposite side of Summer Dream’s, which means she’ll go perfectly where I plan on putting her.

After this fucking roof is finally done, I’m going to move my computer back into the back room. Not just so we can network our computers again, but so I can put the red table that was in the living room back in there. I’m gonna keep Summer Dream in the music room and I’ll probably keep Jessica in there, too. Bailey and Rapunzel will go back on the living room speaker and TV. On the red table, I was going to line up Edie, Anne, Sunshine and Lollipops, Patrice, and Angel.

Tom believed Patrice would come that day, too (Saturday). I thought there was a chance of it since I seem to be getting dolls in twos lately, but nope. I gotta be either asleep or out when dolls come, but Tom says today’s an unlikely day for a parcel post delivery to be made. If it were first class, that’d be different.

Ashton Drake sent us what was supposed to be a mini magnetic dry-erase board, but not quite. You have to wet a cloth to erase the writing.

All I saw at the freeloader’s all weekend was a white car with a rack of some sort on its trunk. I went into the music room and heard a beat going and was like, shit! I knew it was just a matter of time before we’d hear from them, but I didn’t have a vibe about this weekend. I expected a ruckus next weekend. Then I realized it was the heartbeat I switched to in place of the stereo. Since this fan is softer than the last one, the heartbeat on my sound spa can be heard, and I like it so much better than the stereo cuz this beat is steady.

I got rid of “Mystery’s world” on the computer since the whole computer is my world now. I put the stuff that was in Mystery’s world into the start/program area.

I also paired up some journal pictures. That birthday wallpaper message turned out to be quite a present. I didn’t know this, but in the WinDraw program I use a lot, you can select a screen size background and make what you want on it. I made two collages of my favorite Gloria pictures and one of Norah’s. Then I paired up some of my journal covers to lessen the number of files I have. After I touch those up a bit, I’ll pair some family pictures.

Andy, who just has to do the opposite of what you ask him and who doesn’t always give a shit about what you’d prefer, just couldn’t wait till we talked live to tell me the rain he was driving through was mixed with snow. Yeah, it snowed in Vegas. Meanwhile, in New England, they’re having this unbelievably mild weather. They were even in the 70s! The 70s in November!! That’s quite a record.

Kim also called and is all moved into her apartment in Northampton with Walter. They’re in a two-family house. They have the top two floors. She’s got big rooms with hardwood floors. It’s a two-bedroom apartment and it’s $900 a month! Jesus! That’s the northeast for you. Especially Northampton.

Anyway, I guess Walt’s conveniently decided he wants kids. They’re gonna get married and be trying for a kid over the next year or so. I just hope Kim doesn’t get burned by him not doing his part in making the kid or by him leaving when the kid’s born if it’s born. That’s what I wonder. Would God give such a wonderful person whom I know would make a great mom a kid? She has the looks for it, that’s for sure. I hope she gets what she wants, though.

I called Tammy back Saturday morning. Mark and she are remodeling the hell out of her place. She was really nice in asking how my birthday went and she was happy about what I got/am getting, even though it’s not what she’d want. She’s gotten better at listening to me about my interests, whereas in the past she didn’t really care unless it was something she could relate to.

I spoke to Lisa too, and as usual, she’s not doing very well. She’s happy she’s lost weight. She’s gone from 152 pounds to 120 pounds, but now she’s into pot and acid. Great! Just fucking great! I’m glad I’m not destined to have a kid.

It’s almost scary to see how closely her life is like mine was, although I didn’t get into acid. I try not to compare us, but it’s something you can’t miss. Like I said, the only thing that’s different is her seeming to be as straight as an arrow so far anyway, and her interest in meteorology. Makes me wonder if she’s sterile and if she too, will go through years of depression over not being able to have a kid. I hope I’m wrong, and if not, I hope she doesn’t want one anyway, and therefore, doesn’t mind sterility. I don’t know about her or Sarah having kids, but I’ll bet you all my journals that Becky will be a mom someday. She already looks like a mom. She’s got God’s qualifications on that one totally. It’s like God has a fixation with homelier and plain-looking ladies becoming mothers. There are a few good-looking mothers, but they’re one in every 10,000.

She swears she hasn’t talked to Larry in over a month, but you know I can’t trust one thing she says anymore.

I still can’t call for the uterus test since I’m still only spotting. I wish my fucking rag would hurry up and start!

I fear my pap was too bloody to read and that’s why there are still no results posted for me on that voice messaging thing. If so, that’ll really piss me the fuck off, cuz this is why I went straight to a GYN in the first place, and I told her so. The whole idea was to avoid having to play the repeat pap game.

I’m hurt and angry with Tom right now, but not as hurt and as angry as I should be. Perhaps the reasons I’m not more hurt and angry are cuz I don’t want a child and cuz this is nothing new. It’s not like I just found out how abnormal our sex is and that he’s lied about sex and having a kid. I should’ve known that he’d eventually resort to bold lying and say he’s been cumming regularly when that’s pure bullshit. A lot of people are like him - they just deny what they want. So long as it can only be suspected and not literally proven in the way that you can prove it’s either light outside or dark.

Kim once told me she couldn’t tell if a guy came in here, but what Tammy told me is what I’m sure most women would tell me - that they can tell when their man cums. They ask rape victims if their attacker came. Why would they ask that unless they knew she could tell? There’s always been a distinct difference to me when Tom’s cum. When he cums, the sheets under my ass are soaked and so are my inner thighs. It feels as if I wet the bed when he cums. When he doesn’t, I don’t feel any different. Yet he has the bold nerve to tell me he cums 7-8 out of 10 times.

So I was right, after all, about how this infertility thing would play out. He probably figured I’d be fixable and that I’d let them fix me and leave getting pregnant up to God. Then he’d let them have his cum for testing which he has full control over, then he’d just come home and make sure he very rarely cums with me and that if he did cum, it was at a safe time. As to why I never would’ve ended up pregnant? Just because, he’d say. Just because that happens sometimes for no apparent reason. The doctor, he knows, would support this too. So that way he could’ve escaped having to deal with why he’s too afraid to cum, and why I didn’t get pregnant.

The man just doesn’t want to cum. Period. He told me he was gonna tell me from now on whether or not he cums, cuz he’s sick of how I “test” him (by his not correcting my comments about how he cums regularly, when we know damn well he doesn’t). I told him that that’s up to him. It’s not if he cums that I care about. It’s if he lies about it that I care about. He also told me that sometime in 1998 he began cumming regularly cuz of how we were able to get him inside me regularly, and cuz of the wonderful friction he feels now that he’s on top. First of all, he’s been on top for a while now. Second of all, he said sex is an emotional thing for him and not a physical thing. Lastly, he’s the one that refused to go inside me at times in the past. He’s the one that just had to play his games. It’s all bullshit excuses as far as I’m concerned. I’ve thought about it and thought about it and there’s no way he could be cumming regularly. I’d give anything to be wrong about this, but I know without a doubt that I’m not. And besides, no guy that doesn’t want a kid, and whose wife doesn’t want a kid, is gonna go squirting in her pussy regularly. He even admitted he’d do what I wanted first when it came to that. Even if he did want a kid, which I know damn well he doesn’t, he’d still go along with my not wanting one first, and do what he had to in order to ensure that I got what I wanted, which is no kid.

Now, why couldn’t he have just come out and told me, “I don’t want a kid and you don’t either, so why don’t I just not cum? I’d rather not cum than have to have you go through the hassles of birth control. I can get off on my own if I need to. Meanwhile, you go on ahead with your testing and try getting the answers you want.”

I also expressed that I was mad at myself for not going to this doctor back in 1994 when I wanted a kid, knew I was sterile, and so I could’ve maybe avoided years of misery. I should’ve not worried about him like he tells me not to. He always tells me not to worry about him and to just take care of myself. Then he tried to make me feel worse by turning things around and saying that I was mad at him and that I was blaming him. Well, I don’t appreciate his putting being embarrassed to talk to the doctors about his not cumming over my needs and my depression. He preferred that I go through all that depression like I did than be cornered by a doctor about his not cumming and about his not doing something he doesn’t want to do. What would he have done? Gone in there back then and said, “My wife wants a kid and she wants me to cum, but I don’t want a kid and I don’t want to cum, either?”

Still, we could’ve worked things out years ago somehow, if he’d only had the balls to face it and deal with it without going into denial and getting into lying and all that.

I’ll bet you anything that he’ll start telling me, after sex, that he hasn’t cum now that he knows I know he’s only cum twice in 1998. He admits to not cumming during the roofing, though, cuz it was at that time that I hinted certain things to him and he kind of caught on and figured he better be more honest from here on out. So, since then he’s admitted he doesn’t cum. It’s nice to know Tammy’s 48-year-old man can still get off in the midst of doing all that physical work of remodeling, but my 41-year-old man can’t. He can’t mix sex with physical work. Gotta act like an 80-year-old man instead.

Like I said, I don’t care how the sex itself is. It’s the lying and the lame, bogus excuses I get tired of, but this shit just never ends. If you want a sexual relationship of any kind with Tom S, you have to take it part-time, half-assed, and with all the lame lies and excuses added in. Then he said, “I could tell you that you should give me the benefit of the doubt when I tell you I cum regularly, but I won’t. I’ll let you be you and I’ll be me.”

Meanwhile, I guess I’ll continue on with the testing even if it does me no good in the long run. Tom might change his plans since I mentioned figuring that he’d let them have his cum for testing. He may refuse to let them have any now. If that’s what happens, then he can deal with this doctor alone about his not cumming if he wants to, but me? I’ll be out of there and permanently done with this whole fucking issue. It’s no wonder I don’t want a child anymore with this man. Not just because I don’t want the responsibilities and burdens of a child, and not just because I don’t want my life and freedom taken away by a kid, but because I’m so fucking sick of the whole subject that it sickens me. I just hope to hell I never go back to wanting a kid because both God and Tom would never allow me one.

Also, he’s been punishing me by not having sex with me all weekend.

What else could he be lying to me about? Is there anything else that’s not so obvious as this one that he’s been putting me on about? I’m just so confused. I don’t know who to trust or what to do, think, or believe anymore.

My lower teeth are enjoying their last moments of freedom. Got up at 2 AM. A little earlier than I’d like to have gotten up since I won’t be seeing Melie till 1:30, but I’ll live.

Tuesday, December 8, 1998

 

Patrice is here! Yup, the mailman surprised me by bringing her as early as 11:20. He said he wanted to get packages out of the way first. I can understand that. There are a lot of them at this time of year.

Patrice is beautiful, but it was just my shit doll luck that the hole in her stand wasn’t drilled through all the way for her toe-hold. Thanks to Tom and his drill bit, though, he widened it up enough. The stand grips her at the top of her thigh. Not the thigh of the leg that’s up in the air, of course. The toe of the leg that’s thigh is gripped, has an extension that goes through the bass of the stand for extra security, even though the thigh gripper does a fine job on its own.

Her hair wasn’t short. It was up in a bun, which makes sense. Ballerinas are feminine, so whoever did hear of a short-haired ballerina? Anyway, it took me forever to get this bun down! It’s still in a ponytail high on her head, but I braided the ponytail. It kind of sticks out a little, but it looks good enough.

Her dress is a little crumpled, but with time, it should fall out nicely. I’ll iron it if I have to.

Tom knows the song she twirls to, but I don’t. It’s kind of boring, even though I love to wind her up and watch her twirl!

So now I have 7 dolls and Patrice is my first one that’s all porcelain. The lollipop doll should be here between mid-late January, and I’d love to get that angel doll with my Christmas money, but that’s just the question - will there be any Christmas money since we’re not exchanging gifts this year?

We got a Christmas card from Cindy and one from Mary, Dave, Mom, and Mikey. I sent out my cards and a letter to Tammy and one to Kim containing my last few emails to her. Her computer’s still out of it.

As for my computer, I really rearranged things, and it was fun.

I called Andy to leave him a message, but he answered. He’s right back to his typical, sad self. He was baked and he’s still mostly jobless. He just sits in front of the TV, listens to music, or gabs on the phone. He said he was gonna sober up when his pot ran out, but he bought some more. He said he keeps in touch every day with 4 different temp agencies, but they have no work available for him. He said he’d like to pick up a paper but can’t afford one. Yet he could afford pot.

Face it, Andy. You don’t want to work or have a life or move on.

He said he had therapy yesterday with his gay therapist who’s had the same boyfriend for 18 years. I hope this will help him get off his ass and out of the rut he’s in. I know it’s hard, but he can’t afford to be lazy and hide behind a joint. He needs to work or else he’ll end up homeless.

No wonder I had a vibe of hitting down at 110 sometime in January. I’m gonna lose weight whether or not I want to, cuz having to keep stripping all this wax and reapplying it is a bitch!

The good of it is that it only took 45 minutes to get these on. Not 1½ hours like with the upper ones. Also, my inner mouth isn’t on fire like it was when the upper ones went on. Guess I’ve learned to use this wax well, but still. I not only have to wax the two inner knobs, but I also have to wax the front to keep my lip from hanging up on them. Your bottom lip goes over the bottom teeth more so than up top so up top never really got hung up. It’s easier to sing than it is to talk since you usually talk faster than you sing. I’m also not as sore as I thought I’d be. I am if I try to eat, though. Too sore to even chew gum. It’ll be a while before I can do that. So, I guess the upper braces will come off in March, and the lower ones will come off in a year when I’m 34. And I guess I won’t be living here when the bottom ones come off, either.

What was flattering to me was that Melanie had my card sitting in her room. And mine was the only card there! Was this because she hasn’t gotten any other cards yet to set up? Or cuz mine was her favorite?

The massage recliner in the living room broke. Tom said it’s not worth fixing, so we’ll bring out the one that’s in the bedroom and dump this one when they do their bulk pick-up out in the alley like they do every few months.

Later…

Just let the cat in to eat and meow. Man, is it freezing out! If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I was back east. It’s 50º, but it feels like it’s in the 20s.

I printed out all the things I want to use to border the tops of the pages of my printed versions of these journals. There are old journal covers, drawings, family pictures, celebrity pictures, and a few things that come with the program I used to make the borders. There were a few that I doubted would come out nice, but I told myself to try them anyway, cuz I could always freeloader it if I didn’t like them. So, the freeloaders will get the ones I don’t like for their own journal excerpts. I can’t believe I’m not low on ink after all I printed.

How could I forget my surprisingly good news? I called the doctor’s office and found out that I got a normal pap! Is it a good sign of any kind? I don’t know. It’s too soon to tell. There must be a reason, though, why I’ve come this far, despite his lack of cumming and his lying about it.

Wednesday, December 9, 1998

 

I can finally call for the uterus scan. Once again, though, my period’s really, really light. Even lighter than the last one with no full flow. I had a light flow for a few hours, but now it’s dried up again. Still, I’m gonna make the damn appointment and get that over with.

I’m still stunned that God hasn’t seen to it that I’ve had more female problems than just some yeast infections. Most of all, I can’t believe he hasn’t seen to it that I’ve needed a hysterectomy. I wonder why. That does seem, after all, like something he’d do to me and that would fit my “life patterns,” so to speak. Especially after he’s cursed me sexually. I’d think that if one was cursed with sex, their sexual parts would be cursed too.

Tom and I were talking about how a few months after a couple either adopts or starts fertility testing, they sometimes find the woman’s pregnant so they end up having their own kid after all. Fortunately, that only happens to other couples. God still would not only not give me something like that that I couldn’t handle, but it’s not destined.

I haven’t lost any weight since the braces went on and it looks like I’ll stay the 112-115 pounds I bottomed out at 5 months ago. Especially since I’m constipated nearly every other day.

I’m looking forward to moving my computer back into the back room. Not just so Tom and I can be networked again, and so I can be near the animals again as distracting as they can be, but so I can set up my dolls in the living room where my computer is now. Also, I’m going to go back to walking. My back’s been fine, but if I walk at least 15 minutes a day, no one can say I’m too non-active even if walking doesn’t really do me any good. It doesn’t tone me up or slim me down. It may increase my stamina a bit, though.

Tom worked on Mary’s computer, and as usual, he had to go back to work on it some more. That’s because Mikey fucked it up. Tom talked to Mary about using him for so many jobs, so I would think that she’d keep that in mind, but time will tell.

Sometime late this morning we’ll be going out to get that prep kit for the kidney exam, some more roofing shingles, and 2-3 new mice! We’ll hit PetSmart first, then Petco.

Later…

It’s freezing out! It’s 38º, but it feels less than that. As I knew it’d be, it’s to be a beautiful weekend for the mistake’s party. It’s gonna be sunny and warmer.

The dogs are up now too, so time to run the air cleaner.

Later…

I just came really, really close to calling off the kidney and uterus testing and the whole damn thing. These fucking voice machines! You can’t even talk to a live person anymore! First I called Genesis to schedule the uterus test, but couldn’t get a hold of anyone live. Also, there were no options for scheduling on the main menu, so I had to hit randomly to get a live person. Someone in radiology answered, but couldn’t help me cuz I couldn’t remember the name of the test. So after going through hell trying to get in touch with Vicki, who does Dr. Well’s referrals, I left her a message since she too, has a machine. She was away from her desk, I guess.

Is this where God starts throwing hurdles at me to send me a message saying he disagrees with what I’m doing and therefore trying to stop me?

Later…

Vicki just called and cleared up all my confusion and frustration. At least she did for the time being, anyway. I told her my problem and she gave me the initials for this very long and complicated test name and told me that they’d know what I meant at Genesis Center if I used those initials. Then she offered to make the appointment for me, which I hoped she’d do. So, I’m waiting for her to call me back.

Later…

I heard back from Vicki. I got both the IVP kidney test and the HSG uterus test scheduled for the same day. She said they told her to tell me to have someone drive me to these tests. I’m getting a little nervous here. Are these gonna be really painful tests and am I gonna get sick? She said the uterus test is a form of x-ray, and this is the test where they insert a dye into the fallopian tubes. This test is usually all a sterile woman needs, cuz the most common cause of sterility is clogged fallopian tubes, but I know this isn’t my problem. My problem’s much deeper than just clogged tubes.

Thursday, December 10, 1998

 

Yesterday was a hectic, frustrating, confusing, yet fun day. First, I called Tammy this morning to tell her that I finally got through the worst of the lower braces. A few days after you get them on, your mouth is pretty inflamed like mine was yesterday, but now I’m home free and my mouth is callused and toughened up to them just about. My bite is still off, though, even when it’s not sore, so I have to eat nothing but soft foods. I eat mostly soup and even woke up a pound lighter today at 112. I’ll be stuck tomorrow. My shit system always turns itself off when I hit 112 so my body can hang onto whatever I eat and not shit it out till it gets back up to the 115 it’s comfortable at. Once I gain those few pounds back in a day or two, I’ll shit.

I also told Tammy about our pet store adventures yesterday, which I’ll get into in a minute.

First, poor Becky has to have surgery this morning on her knees and ankles for her rheumatoid arthritis. That’s really sad. I told Tammy to call once they got settled in to let me know how things went. Meanwhile, I’m sending the kid a get-well card.

God’s really cursed this family well. One generation after another. What kinds of problems would my kid have had if I had had one? Plenty, I’m sure.

If I had any sense whatsoever, I’d forget all about this fertility testing. Why put myself through all this shit just to get answers I may not get? I know I’m sterile, I know a kid isn’t meant to be whether or not I want one, so why do I torture myself like this? I guess if I gave up now I’d feel like a quitter, but that’s not to say for sure that I won’t back out at some point by either force or my own will. With my luck, I’ll just be told they can’t find anything wrong so I can be even more frustrated and confused, but then again, that’s part of getting the information I want. This way, if I go through with this, I won’t have to always wonder if they’d have told me they couldn’t find anything wrong. I’ll know for sure. That’s Tom’s guess. Tom said he couldn’t be sure on this one, but if he had to guess he’d guess they wouldn’t be able to find anything wrong cuz it’d be one of those subtle things beyond their abilities to find that I’ll outgrow in time. No fucking way. My first guess is that they’ll find what’s wrong, but it’ll be one of those rare things that they still can’t fix.

His saying this kind of reinforces my suspicions as to what he’ll do. He, having full control over his cumming, will continue to make sure he rarely cums with me, but that he lets them have a sample for testing, then he’ll hope/believe that they won’t be able to find anything wrong with me, so he can come home, go back to rarely cumming, and end up getting what he wants which is no kid. Meanwhile, if I had been fixable I’d have probably gone and let them fix me, then left it in God’s hands, even though the thought of having a kid and giving up my life and freedom, doesn’t really appeal to me.

I asked Tom why he’d cum in me regularly as he claims he does when he knows I don’t want a kid. He said he does because I didn’t tell him he couldn’t. True. I told him to be himself and do what he wants. Just don’t lie about it.

Anyway, I think I know how this is gonna play itself out. Whether or not I get fixed, he’ll cum very rarely with me and at a safe time, give them a sample of his cum which I didn’t think he’d do at first till I realized how convenient for him it’d be to do so, then he’ll just keep on rarely cumming with me so he can get his way. All this would be just fine too, if he’d just come out and say so. I’m on his side now. I don’t want a kid either, and God will see fit to it that I don’t conceive. I don’t know how to convince him a child will never be in the picture, so he doesn’t have to make such huge sacrifices and live with this fear, be it deep in his subconscious or not. Technically, God doesn’t have to sterilize a woman in order to keep her from conceiving. He can just make sure nothing starts growing in there, but still, fate is fate and I’m fated to never have a child. I’m psychic enough to know this. It’s also common sense too, telling me that he wouldn’t give me something I couldn’t handle.

I say I’d probably let them fix me if I were fixable, but that may not necessarily be so depending on the cost. I wouldn’t lower myself and degrade and humiliate myself by buying into normalcy, so to speak. I’m not gonna make myself suffer over a God who didn’t care enough to let me be born whole and normal. Like I said, there are some things that a woman shouldn’t have to do. Things that are God’s job, not hers.

I think I broke a record last Monday by being able to get to three appointments that were each one week apart. I don’t think I would’ve been able to do that in the past.

For the last two mornings, I’ve gotten anonymous calls at around 9:30. I have a feeling it’s Andy, just being a pest in the midst of his baked boredom. He doesn’t even leave messages. What? Does he just want me to hear the phone ringing and get up to check the box? He’s like that. He does little things like that to get attention. It’s along the same idea as the bangers and their “hear me” and “notice me” kick. I just wish he’d get a life and get a job! He only works a few hours a week. If he tried hard enough, he could get a job very easily in this city, but the fact that he still hasn’t called and told me of his new job that he’ll have for a week, tells me something right there. Even he’s admitted to being lazy and scared. God, he’s sad! How can he be so terrified of starting new jobs when he’s had to do it 100 times? He should be an expert by now.

Later…

God! I can’t even eat soup with noodles in it or the noodles that are in my favorite chicken TV dinners. They get hung up on the braces and get stuck midway down my throat. I’m gonna have to live on chicken broth!

It’s to be cool today and tomorrow, into the 70s for the weekend for perfect partying weather, and cooling down on Monday. Now that’s typical Arizona for you and that means that although the roof will be done this week, I’m gonna be forcefully invited to that mistake’s party if I don’t throw headphones on. Tom said they probably wouldn’t do something as extravagant as that inflatable elephant two birthdays in a row, but still, that doesn’t take away from all the screaming kids that’ll be playing outside, and who knows? They may even use this as an excuse to bang in and out, figuring her birthday’s only once a year, and that if they do it just once every now and then, I won’t complain to the city. But once is never enough for them. Once they really get on a roll, they get totally carried away. It’s like they get addicted to harassing me and they’ve just got to test and push and provoke and aaaarrrrgggghhhh! Some people just like to pick fights and problems, but my vibe isn’t too bad as of yet. Birthday party or not, they gotta do something in return for the roofing noise. I know them. I notice that every 3 months or so, they make some sort of scene for old time’s sake.

Later…

I am so goddamn sick of living like an 18-year-old! I have to go out to the back patio just to be able to use my fucking garbage disposal. I had to turn on the back room power, then after I used the disposal, I went to turn it back off and accidentally turned off the power to the computer and the bedrooms. So I had to reset the alarm clock and the stereo, but like I said, at our ages, I’m sick of living like lazy teenagers or college kids live. We don’t deserve this, but life really isn’t fair. Fucking Dureen was living high off the hog long before she was our age and we don’t even want to live “high off the hog.” We just want a decent house whose doors, faucets, plugs, etc. work well enough. One with a solid roof over our heads for when it rains. One with normal, nice, modern, double-paned windows. With doors that close all the way. With newer, bigger rooms, although, the back room and master bedroom are pretty big. I want a bathroom with elbow room and with at least just the tiniest bit of counter space. Anyway, some would call me selfish I suppose, but I don’t think that that’s too much to ask for in today’s world. Then again, that depends on who we are, doesn’t it? It’s OK for Doe to ask for and to receive just about anything she could want, but some of us, like I did in the past, can’t even ask for a baby. Even that’s too far-fetched and out of the question! You know that’s really not meant to be with a husband like mine and with a God that’s so controlling. What I mean by when I say “like a husband like mine” is in reference to how he only cums twice a year when I’m ragging.

Maybe we’re living like this cuz we’re simply gonna be compensated and live better later on. Once again, why do Tom and I have to pay for everything? Again, life isn’t fair cuz there are so many people who get all kinds of wonderful things for nothing. They don’t work for them, they don’t care about them, and they usually don’t deserve them, either.

Remembering his mom’s old house helps at times like these. Her place is even smaller, older, and more fucked up than ours. After visiting her place, I felt like I was returning to a modern mansion when we returned home! It was only about 700 square feet, but ours is about 1,200. We drove by it yesterday and they lied. The people who bought it aren’t fixing it up. They’re selling it as it is. They didn’t even tear down that old rotted, tilted barn-like garage. They took all the inside and outside blinds down. You can see it’s empty in there. Some huge Mexican family will get it and their screaming kids will join in with the screaming kids next to and behind the house. Their dog will be outside to yip away 24/7 too.

We were out twice yesterday. The first time, we went to pick up that prep kit first, which is an enema. The woman there told me I wasn’t scheduled for both tests on the same day, according to the computer. I almost called it quits right then and there, but later, Tom called back and told me I was scheduled for both tests that day. Well, I’m going for these tests on Monday, as nervous as I am, and if there are any problems, then that’s it. It’s over.

Is God testing me? Why is he doing this to me? How can God do this to a woman?

Vicki said she’s talked to people who have had these tests and she says that some say it’s no big deal, and others say it’s pretty uncomfortable. The woman there said it’d be a little uncomfortable cuz it dilates the cervix a bit. Tom thinks that because I had excruciating periods as a teenager, most women would find it bad, but I won’t find it too bad. I think it’s gonna hurt like hell. I may be a toughie when it comes to teeth, but not with pussies! I’m very sensitive down there. Maybe not like I was before I knew Tom, but I’m still plenty sensitive enough. In fact, one of God’s many reasons for sterilizing me is that he knows I could never handle having a kid.

Like I said, if I had any smarts at all, I’d just call it all off. There’s no reason for me to go through all this shit just for info when I know what the future holds as far as a kid goes, whether I continue to not want a kid, or decide in 5 years I want one again.

I have mixed emotions about not wanting a kid. If I wanted one like I used to, I’d feel more motivated to go through with this shit. However, when the end result was no baby, I don’t think that’d do my emotions any good.

After getting the prep kit, we went to pick up some more roofing shingles, then to two pet stores.

I was surprised and disappointed to find that only one place had Fancy mice and they were all males.

On my way into one of these stores, I saw two little kids heading into the store and thought to myself how they’d go right where I was going. Sure enough, they did, and they were obnoxious in the way that all kids are.

Then we came home and I had some soup, while he unloaded the shingles and made a call to a tool shop.

We went out again and had a little trouble finding the shop, then had to wait for what seemed like 20 minutes for the guy to bring Tom his part for his nail gun. It’s a part that advances the next nail to speed the job up even more.

Our final stop was another pet store. Again, no Fancy mice, but all three places had tons of rats. However, there was this $160 awesome investment that’ll house a whole lifetime of rats! It’s mainly for ferrets, but Ratsy should love this thing! It’s got huge tubes and lots of different levels to climb. Within a week, we’ll be getting this and maybe one or two more rats, too!

So, even though all I ended up getting was mice/rat food, Tom was laughing at how we went from getting a few $3 mice to a $160 cage, although I do still intend to get some more mice.

We enjoyed our time out together and Tom was in a good mood, laughing and mocking me swearing, and you know how clean his mouth is compared to mine! He was even laughing with me at this woman in a car near us who had short, funny-looking hair (Tom almost never laughs at someone for how they look). It was light up top and dark on the bottom. It reminded me of vanilla ice cream on top and a scoop of chocolate ice cream.

Friday, December 11, 1998

 

What a pleasant surprise. Woke up at 111½.

I wish I could snap my fingers and have it be noon-1:00. We’re getting that cage today and a new rat too!

Yesterday was the third morning in a row Andy called, but yesterday, he left a message. He was finally going through the job section in the paper when he came across an ad I may be interested in, he said. A music teacher was wanted that must be able to sing on pitch willing to train to do other things and teach kids between 1-7.

I told him thanks, but no thanks. I like music only as a hobby nowadays and I like to do and not teach. I still couldn’t keep a schedule like that and it’d be hard for me to get to the place.

I’m proud of myself, but mostly shocked, for being able to have a little more control over my schedule, for getting to these weekly appointments, and for being able to sleep while he’s working overhead, but I’m still far from normal as far as schedules, sleeping with him, and other things go. Even so, I’ve learned more and have changed more in the time I’ve known him, than in all of the time before that. At least, it sure seems that way!

I still wish I could have more doors open to me. I wish I could keep a schedule so that if I ever did want to do a job like this or some other job, at least the door wouldn’t be slammed in my face as it is now cuz of having no control over my schedule. That’s what this fertility thing is all about. Having doors open and taking back my free will as a woman. Yes, I’m curious as to why I’m sterile, but it’d be nice to be fertile just so that I could know I had a choice in the matter. Up to now, I’ve never had any say in the matter. It’s all been up to God only. I’d like to have as many doors open so that even though the chances are one in billions of my wanting a kid again in the future, God supporting that, Tom cumming enough, and me being able to keep a schedule regularly, I could at least open some doors that have been locked on me all my life.

As easy as it is to say what I just said, though, it’s just as easy to say I hope they tell me my uterus is very badly deformed. That’d make things easier, even if it made me angrier at God that he could do such a mean thing to me or to any woman.

I decided to take some of the old printed journals that I had bound in wires to send to Bob as a little something for Christmas in a manila envelope. There’s something like journals 2-14 in there. These were the ones that used thinner paper that fit better in the envelopes I’ve got. Hope he reads them since he’s got so much time on his hands, but if he doesn’t, he doesn’t. I’m pretty sure he will, though.

Tom worked on the roof yesterday and says he’s now down to having just 3-4 more hours left to complete the roof and make it 100% safe from rain. That’s hard to believe after all this time! He said this job would take 5 days. Instead, it’s been since 11/13.

I get a little annoyed with Andy’s calling me about that job the more I think of it. If his brain wasn’t too potted out to remember things, and if he even listened and gave a shit, he’d know that I only like to sing as a hobby nowadays. I think the main reason he left the message was just to be calling and leaving a message for the attention of it. I swear he can be just as selfish as he was back east. It’s just mainly in a different way.

I don’t have a good vibe about the freeloaders this weekend, nor do I have a bad vibe. When I wake up on Saturday morning, I should be able to get a damn good sense of the weekend freeloader forecast at that time. It’s usually the mornings that provide the strongest sense of what they’ll be like in the afternoons/evenings.

What will I do for the next 6 hours? I sang and I’ve updated things here, so maybe I’ll do some reading.

Later…

Just had some soup and listened to music. Another hour or so and Andy will call. The morning is passing so slowly! Still have 4-5 hours before we go out. I wish I didn’t get up till around now, but then that’d make it harder for me to hold back enough on my schedule to get to the appointments on Monday. I’d have to take Benadryl to fall asleep earlier to keep me from sleeping too late.

Yuck! My stomach’s all gassy now from the bean soup.

Later…

Shiny, who we now call the cat with his shiny black fur, just meowed to be let out. The good of his non-stop meowing is that I can go into another room and he’ll call to let me know when he wants out. Meanwhile, I let him out and he’s out there meowing to himself. So weird!

I forgot to say that for about a week now, the dog across the street has sort of become the problem I knew it would be. However, I’m not entirely sure it’s directly across the street where the renters are, but it is somewhere across the street. Fortunately, it doesn’t bark that much (no dog could bark as much as those collies) and it’s quiet at night, so I still have my nighttime peace.

Later…

Just 2-3 more hours to go!!

What? No call this morning from Andy?

Saturday, December 12, 1998

 

Fittingly, the mistake’s birthday is on the 13th. Last year that was a Saturday, this year it’s a Sunday. Tomorrow. That may explain why I didn’t wake up with a bad vibe constantly nagging at me. It’s probably not today we have to worry about. It’s tomorrow we have to worry about. However, with two city complaints lodged against them, maybe they’ll only do four hours’ worth of ball games and not the stereos. We’ll see. If there’s any major shit from them, they’re gonna have to pay for it, that’s for sure. I just don’t know how they’ll pay, but they will. Maybe it won’t be so bad, though, cuz not only are my vibes not that bad, but I have three things on my side for this final Mistake birthday. The complaints, there being no dog over there, and his not living there. I’m sure he’ll be over doing his laundry and banging his bitch, though.

I haven’t shit yet today and am not the least bit surprised over that, even though I had bean soup yesterday that’s high in fiber. The reason I’m not surprised is that I woke up at 110½ pounds. The fact that I had less than 1000 calories yesterday and woke up only a pound lighter, tells me that it really is true that I’ll never get down to 100 pounds again without total or very near starvation. And it really is true that if I were 100 pounds at the snap of my fingers, I’d just go right back up between 110-115 in a matter of days.

Tom, who bullshitted me yesterday about wanting more sex, has gone off to drive his race car on his computer. Why oh why is he such a liar and a joker when it comes to sex/kid? Can’t he give it up? It’s old, Tom! I understand, though, that he wants to keep his energy to get through these last few hours of work that need to be done, even if I don’t think it should affect a guy that was even older than he is. He and I both are tired of setbacks. But as I know damn well, as soon as he’s finished with this, it’ll be on to something else that’ll be very time-consuming.

Before we went out yesterday, I ended up taking up Andy’s and Marla’s offer to call Linda. She was very nice and she spoke well to me and very openly, too. She was quite talkative too, and I even had a hard time getting a word in edgewise at times.

The main reason I called was to ask about the HSG exam. She said everyone’s different, but having a high tolerance to pain, it didn’t hurt her. She said it was cool how you could see the dye running up the fallopian tubes.

She told me all about the things she’s done and went through as far as getting pregnant goes. She started the testing route when she was 30 and didn’t have kids until her 40s. That’s because the technology wasn’t where it is today when she was 30. Today, they guarantee virtually everyone they can have kids. Different states vary in what they offer and what’s covered by insurance. In California, you pay a flat rate fee of about $20,000 for a certain number of tries. If you don’t get pregnant and have a kid, they give you your money back. In other words, this is for the rich.

She was one of those cases where there started off being an explanation as to why she couldn’t conceive, then she was one of those unexplained infertility cases for a while. She said it’s not that she couldn’t conceive, it’s that she’d always miscarry. They found one clogged tube, but technically you only need one tube as long as the sex is normal with the guy you’re with and as long as he’s willing to cum regularly. A little more than regularly in a case like that. But then no one knows to this day why she couldn’t carry the non-invitro pregnancies. She said she could get pregnant on Friday and lose it by Monday, although I don’t see how you could know you were pregnant if you lost it just three days later, so maybe that was an exaggeration. Maybe after they did the in vitro, they gave her some sort of hormone medication. I forgot to ask. Anyway, maybe it was God’s will to do whatever he felt he had to do to keep her from having kids until she was in her 40s. Maybe there’s a reason too, why he felt she could only have them by way of in vitro. Who knows why he does the things he does? As she said, the assholes live long, healthy lives, while the good ones die young. This is why I always worry about Tom. It’s like he’s too good for life, in God’s eyes. Also, the ones that are too young or too fucked up or both, never seem to have a problem getting pregnant.

She said that the most common causes of infertility are clogged tubes or something within the uterus lining. So I’ve heard. I’ve heard just about everything she told me, except I didn’t know that in vitro causes multiples. I thought only the drug they give you to make you ovulate more eggs did that. She said she had three of them but lost one after she began hemorrhaging.

Anyway, she said they check women for hormone levels, to make sure they’re ovulating, and things like that. I don’t know how the hell they can check to see if a woman’s ovulating, though. I wish my case was and wasn’t a case of a clogged tube or wacky hormone levels. A part of me feels it’d be nice to have the problem be simple so I could have more options open to me, but a part of me also hopes they tell me my uterus is hopeless, cuz that’d make the decisions easier if there was nothing to have to decide, even though God gets the final say in all of this.

You can get pregnant, then lose it, if your hormone levels go wacky during pregnancy.

As for testing Tom, she said they’ll test him last as a last resort if they don’t find anything wrong with me. Great. Then I won’t have to worry that he’ll decide not to do his part. I know the problem’s me, and she too, knew since she was 18 that she’d have problems getting pregnant. And she didn’t have the DES, the years of drugs, and all these things against her. There was nothing to say she couldn’t get pregnant. Only her gut instinct. I don’t know if I was 18 when I knew a child wasn’t meant to be for me, but it does seem that for most of my life, I knew I’d never have one, fertile or not.

She said she’s not ashamed of how she got her kids and that if I find I am right about there being something wrong - it’s not my fault. I know that, but it still makes me feel picked on by God. It’s like, wasn’t his having me born to the kinds of people I was born to more than enough of a cruel punishment to dump on me?

She said she’s no doctor, but my erratic light periods could be a sign of early menopause. Or maybe I do, as Tom suggested, have a hormone problem. But that doesn’t explain my infertility in the past when my periods were normal. Oh, the questions that eat at me! I just hope I get some answers. Right now, the question isn’t am I going to have a kid? I know that’s not meant to be no matter what. The questions are what is wrong with me and what am I going to do about it?

I asked Tom if he’d have a kid if he wasn’t 100% sure he wanted one, and he said he wouldn’t if he had any doubts.

I asked Linda if she believed God made me as I am for a reason and that I shouldn’t fight it, or anything else she thought, but she said the same thing Tom said. God wouldn’t have given us the brains to figure out how to get almost anyone pregnant if he didn’t want us doing that, but again, you don’t need to be sterile in order for God to make sure you don’t get pregnant. If you do everything that technology has to offer in order to get fixed, have a normal sex life, then still don’t conceive, then yeah, it really, really wasn’t meant to be and it’s just God’s will for whatever reason be it fair or unfair, right or wrong.

I admitted without hesitation that if it were between 1994-1997, I’d have jumped at the opportunity of getting fixed and getting pregnant, but I just don’t know if I want that anymore. I don’t feel that deep-down desire I used to feel. I didn’t get into why I feel I’m incompetent to have kids or our freak sex life, but I don’t know if I’d even enjoy motherhood with all its burdens, responsibilities, and restrictions, and the desire’s just not there anymore like it used to be. Only the questions remain. I automatically say how I don’t want to give up my life and freedom, but when I think about it, it wouldn’t kill me to shuffle things around and do the things I do much less often or at scheduled times. It wouldn’t kill me if I couldn’t sing at 2 AM, but it’s the not having any time to myself or with my husband that I would worry about. And the sleep schedule, my temper, and my lack of patience and experience.

She wondered if maybe I’d given up a little and I told her I did that a long time ago. Knowing a kid isn’t meant to be whether I wanted one or not, I could never in a million years go as far as she went and go through years of testing/trying, even though you don’t have to anymore.

I just don’t know what to do, though! Do I want to get fixed if I’m told I can be fixed? Should I bother to be “normal” when I know what’s fated to be? Is there any way I could be wrong about God and Tom controlling and limiting me and my being fated not to have a kid? Is there any way I could be wrong about not enjoying or being able to handle motherhood? I don’t see how I could be wrong. God’s gotta have made me sterile for a reason. Just like Tom has his reasons for being the way he is in bed, which is fear. He may not consciously know it, but he doesn’t want the time a child would take up or its responsibilities, and he doesn’t really think I’d be a good mom like he says.

Let’s just start with finding out whatever I can before I decide what to do about it. Until I have all my options at hand, I can’t say for sure what I’m gonna do.

She told me a couple of other things I didn’t know, but that didn’t shock me, cuz it’s so common. She started off by acknowledging how shitty my folks were and that no one did anything about it. That was the way back then, I told her. Society looked the other way.

Anyway, Milton, Norma’s husband, was a whoring gambler. They’re somehow related to me, I guess. Some kind of cousins.

There was some couple at the beach too, that was once friends with my folks, her folks, and others that were in the same clique, who turned out to be child molesters. Not the wife, but the husband. They had 4 boys and a girl, Linda said, and the husband molested the girl, I guess, and God knows who else.

Let me take a break now to go call Paula, who left a message yesterday at a new number. A new address too, no doubt.

Later…

No answer at Paula’s. I left a message.

I got my daily call from Andy yesterday after I left a message telling him I talked to Linda (I’m still nervous about Monday, though). He said he was proud of me for calling her. Whatever. He also said he kept his mouth shut at a temp agency that gave him a few days’ worth of work. Yeah, yeah. He’ll subconsciously set himself up to be fired before the New Year.

Later…

I’m not looking forward to this prep kit any more than I’m looking forward to these appointments (especially the female-related one). I had to drink a solution that tastes like shit and take some pills. Even worse, I have to shove a suppository up my ass.

Yesterday I got fed up with having to play toilet day in and day out, among all the other problems this old house has, so I tried to fix it. That only helped a little, so while we were out yesterday getting more shingles, we got a new toilet valve and flusher. This is a push-button one. So far so good, but for some reason I’m as hexed with toilets as I am with sex, so we’ll see how it holds up. As long as we can get by, we can just let the next people deal with it. It doesn’t affect the house’s value. The next owners should replace the whole damn toilet if they have any smarts.

Tom and I were just talking about moving and he said we might want to go with just one acre not as far out of town, rather than twenty acres further out of town, and put our money into soundproofing. This way, it won’t matter that the city’s still close by and we could afford the property taxes. If we moved further out and got many acres, and if the city really did catch up to us, that’d up the value of the property and cause us to maybe not be able to afford the property taxes. The closer you are to the city, the costlier the land is. Well, if I could have something just as good that only took twenty minutes to get to stores/doctors/etc., rather than forty, I’d take the twenty.

We went and got that cage. It is huge! And so nice too. With its bass on the ground, it’s an inch shorter than me and about 3’ wide. If it were on wheels, it’d be taller than me. As our luck would have it, we were missing parts so we couldn’t get it up on wheels. Tom will pick up those parts, as well as some ramps that you can get for this cage to make easier access going up and down the 4 different levels. Its bass is a light-colored plastic. Almost like a big litter box. The walls and top are black wires. They’re thick and solid and the whole cage is pretty heavy. At first, I was worried that Mickey, my new rat, would get through the bars, but he couldn’t. It has 3 light-colored plastic shelves that you snap on each level to make floors. One of each of the 3 shelves, has a hole in it for connecting a big tube. Just like how the mice’s cages have floor tubes.

Hey Joebitch, enjoying that banging? Yeah, he’s up on the roof now with hopes of being done at 2:30.

Anyway, there are three tubes. A T-shaped pink one, a straight yellow one, and a curved purple one. Ratsy can get to the 2nd floor just fine, and he can get through the curved tube that leads to the top floor, but will he ever be able to get through the straight tube up to the 3rd floor? He’s physically capable of it, but I don’t know if he’ll ever want to bother. This is why I’m going to get ramps. I also want a couple more rats too, at some point. This cage would be perfect for four rats if you’re not gonna house a ferret in it. I think that if Ma gives us just $50 and not $100 each for Christmas, I’ll get a couple more rats since I won’t be able to get that angel doll. Oh, I hope I will though! But if I can’t, I can’t.

So far, Mickey’s pretty brave and friendly, but not very active. He’s in the old wooden burrow a lot that I put on the bottom along with the black wheel that Ratsy uses. The 2nd floor has Ratsy’s favorite straw-like burrow that’s round with four openings. The 3rd floor has a curved green piece of wood, and the new dark green wheel I just got. The 4th floor has a purple burrow just like Ratsy’s favorite one, only it’s smaller and it’s of thick plastic, and the deep purple hammock that came with the cage. As with the Play City cages, there are other accessories you can add on. You can even add on walls and floors, but this is plenty big enough! Mickey has more brown than Ratsy does. It extends a little further down his neck and more than halfway down the top of his back. He also has dark spots on his tail. Ratsy just has a dark head, with just a little darkness on the sides of his neck, one small dark dot on his upper back, and that’s it. He’s mostly white.

It was pretty funny when at the checkout counter I saw what looked to be jumping fish in no water in a bag that a woman behind us had. Tom, who was closer to her, told me they were crickets that were probably used to feed a lizard. Oh. To me, it looked like little fish in a bag with no water.

Later…

Tom just went to pick up some more shingles. Only a small spot in the center of the roof is still unshingled, so I uncovered my dolls and set them back up. I missed them.

Although it’s now freeloader prime time, no activity and no bad vibe yet. The white car should be in any time now to pick up the bitch. We’ll see what I wake up with tomorrow for vibes, though.

I forgot to mention that Ratsy and Mickey get along very well. Ratsy still doesn’t like Tom, though, and he bit him twice.

Linda said that the only real discomfort she found in all the fertility testing/procedures was when they measured the distance from her opening to the back wall of the uterus for when they went to inject the fertilized egg. She said that when they hit the back wall, that caused cramping. Yeah, I’ll bet.

She said C-sections are a killer compared to having it vaginally, cuz it’s major surgery where they go through the muscle and have to push around organs to get at the baby. She said when gas and shit go through the intestines and all that for the first time afterward, it’s tough, and you can barely move for about a week. She said as long as you don’t tear vaginally since what hurts down there afterward is the pee going where the stitches are, you’re fine. How can a vagina be fine after having something 4-5 inches wide go through it? I’d think it’d have to tear. I mean, that’s quite a stretch!

She also said that once the labor pains peak, all you feel is like you have to push and take a dump. Once again, how can all you feel be labor pains? What about the pain of the baby passing through the birth canal? Was her crotch numbed?

Sunday, December 13, 1998

 

Fortunately, I don’t have a bad vibe about the freeloaders. Tom said it was unlikely that something big was gonna go down seeing that it’s close to noon already and they haven’t started setting anything up. We’ll see, but I still wouldn’t be surprised if there was some company and some ball playing. All we’ve seen so far is the white car. It probably dropped the bitch off from the church.

Yesterday, Tom saw the cock loading up its car. For what? They obviously haven’t gone anywhere and besides, it’s too soon for that. If they were gonna take off for Christmas, it’s too soon.

At 8:40 last night, the cock’s car pulled in and I heard something being unloaded from the car. Then I heard nothing till it left twenty minutes later.

Tom also said that no dog across the street barked at all yesterday, and he was up on that roof for several hours. He said there was a dog that was barking a lot the next block over.

Yes, it’s truly hard to believe this, but the roof is done! He’s now doing the final steps - putting the turbans on, putting trim around the sides to keep the wind from lifting the roofing up, and things like that. I won’t even bother to ask that he trim the tree out front and the hedges after he’s done, cuz I know he won’t. And if he did, he’d do it months after I asked. Soon we’ll begin the cleanup part of the job. That should take some time to do too, but it’ll be nothing like the roof. Now, all he has to do is put a roof over the patio, which will also be a joke compared to over the house/garage. That’s flat and doesn’t need all those shingles.

I’m now able to get away with only waxing the knobs on the lower braces just like with up top. I don’t need to bother with the hassles of waxing up the braces on the front teeth cuz now my mouth is used to them.

Evie sent a Christmas card with a picture of the kids. Her and her pictures of the kids!

Online, after I was bitching to her about always having to fix something around here, she said that she too, went through that for years and that she even had to go without any cooling system of any kind! No swamp cooler, no AC, no nothing! My God! So, I told her that from now on whenever I went to bitch about this house, I’d think of her.

She also bragged about her new family van and I was like, you fucker! You get free will as a woman, the house you want, the vehicle you want, you’ve never had a sex problem that I’ve known of, and you can keep a schedule. Well, I’m not too worried. I may never have free will as a woman, but we’ll have that dream house and that newer, nicer, bigger vehicle eventually.

Today’s gonna be a tough day cuz all I can have is liquids. Thanks to that stupid, incompetent Vicki who told me I could eat as I usually do up till midnight before the appointment, it came as a sort of surprise to me when I read that I really couldn’t have anything more than gelatin, plain bread, and dry crackers. Mostly clear soup and water, though. Fortunately, the instructions say tea and coffee are OK. On the other hand, it shouldn’t be too tough cuz I really can’t eat much anyway with the bottom braces. I can only have liquids or soft stuff, like mashed potatoes.

My vibe rang true today. I woke up at 110 pounds! Again, losing just half a pound in your sleep should tell you something. In my case, my body’s doing everything it can to hang onto its weight. I haven’t shit for two days since I dropped under 112, but that’s gonna be taken care of in about six hours when I drink this milkshake kind of mix I have to drink. I just hope I don’t get sick! Then at bedtime, I have three little pills to take. Then I have to get up two hours before the appointment tomorrow to shove that suppository up my ass. Gross, huh?

Later…

I thought of something Linda said. When she was acknowledging that I’ve got to be the one to decide if a kid’s worth it enough to me to be willing to go so far with the testing and all that, she questioned if I felt like I was “missing” something. It’s been said that sterile women often say they feel like something’s missing from their lives when they can’t have kids. Me? I never felt that something was “missing” in that sense. Maybe that’s because I have so many other things.

We went to Walgreens yesterday and I picked up some more of that Gillette lotion I like. This one smells a little different, though. I got a few puzzles, some nail polish, some chicken broth, some Jell-O, and he got some donuts.

The nail polish is really cool. It’s got slivers of glitter in a clear polish. Between the two bottles I got, there’s purple, magenta, green and red. I want to go back and get one with silver some time, as well as these fake nails with these really cool designs on them. The lady at the check-out counter had one is of a blue sky with clouds. I thought they were decals, but she said they’re not and that they don’t fall off easily. My own nails can grow, but they look like shit with their ridges, so I want to get these. The glitter nail polish helps to hide my ridges. Nails look pretty shabby when solid colors start to chip off, but with this, you can’t tell when it’s chipping cuz there are clear spaces in between glitter slivers.

We went to Staples too, to look for a much-deserved game for Tom after all his hard work. He got a flight simulator game. It’s not a game that has any contest to it, but just one where you fly around the world. It’s not very realistic with its graphics, but after we play around with it some more, maybe we’ll get to like it.

Got a new dry-erase board at this store too, and it’s cute. In the corner of it, it’s got a little girl and boy sitting on a bench kissing and the girl has a pretty floral dress. I hated the one Dureen sent. It was of tiles. The kind you’d find in a bathroom. I hated getting the pen stuck in between tiles.

What else did we get there? I think that’s it. Tom’s gonna go back for a form he forgot to get so he can get a rebate on this game. Also, we need new scissors. The scissors around here are getting dull, so I’ll have him pick up a packet of three when he goes back.

Finally took a dump. Usually, I do that when I first get up. The prep kit says I should take several shits after I drink this shit I’ve got to drink tonight. Fun. Real fun.

Still no bad freeloader vibes.

Tuesday, December 15, 1998

 

Before I get into how horrible yesterday’s ordeal was, oh my fucking God! I was right and how terrifying too! As I told Tom, God’s not gonna let him fix this roof. No matter how many hours of work Tom puts himself through, God’s not gonna help him help us. No matter how smart he is or how much he slaves himself to fix this roof, it can’t be stopped. God is just so determined to hold us back in life and to inflict his wrath, fury, hatred, and insensitivity upon us. He just doesn’t care. He doesn’t give a shit at all! No matter how hard we try to get ahead, he just won’t let us.

When the storm began just after I woke up, I was so happy that I could just relax, go about my business as usual, and not have to play Leak and Bucket. Wrong! Dead wrong. The back room is leaking in its usual spot, along with a new spot near it, and there’s water dripping down the crack in the bathroom doorway.

Typical Arizona, too. A warm dry weekend, then it cools down and rains at the start of the week. These are the kinds of storms that go on for hours. It’s not gonna stop till at least 10:00-11:00 and we can never be sure where else it’ll leak. Just because it hasn’t leaked in a certain area, doesn’t mean it won’t later. In fact, I just looked up and noticed a water stain coming through a crack in the plaster above me. I moved into the living room to be where it’s safer, but no place is safe in this house. This house is making me more and more nervous. It’s like it’s possessed. Will God, the devil, or whatever is hexing this house, follow us when we move?

Would God have it leak today anyway, or does it have something to do with yesterday? But yesterday all I did was get some tests. I didn’t do anything to try to change myself. I didn’t go against the way he made me, so what’s the big deal? Is finding out information a sin too? Is that considered rebelling against God? If this has anything to do with me getting tests, then God help us if I did try to change myself. Will things get progressively worse for us if I kept going? Could this have to do with the fact that I’m down to 109 pounds (the craters have gone down a lot too)? Why? Why does God keep doing these kinds of things to us?

I decided to do my puzzles on the vanity table in the music room rather than on the red table I was gonna put back in the living room. I had taken my dolls off of this table (they were covered with plastic bags) and set them up around the house. Since I can’t put them back on the vanity cuz it’s littered with puzzle pieces, I put Summer Dream, Anne, Edie, Rapunzel and Patrice on my bedroom dresser. Then I put a garbage bag over them. Jessica, I don’t care about, so I just left her on the music room floor. I put Bailey in a bag of her own and set her down in the corner of the bedroom.

All I know is that I just want OUT of this fucking house! I don’t know if this shit is compensation for wonderful things to come, or if it’s a curse. It feels more like a curse to me, cuz things would be just wonderful enough if we didn’t have to keep on going through all this shit and keep getting set back with absolutely no help from God whatsoever.

No freeloader shit Sunday. All I saw Sunday evening was that white car with the rack on it and some skinny black lady putting Christmas presents in the trunk. I couldn’t tell for sure if this was Miss Bitch. The hair and face didn’t look right for the bitch, but whoever it was was totally anorexic and it was so obvious that it was a drug-induced skinniness too. So, this car left and then it came back and it appeared that someone was taking presents out of the trunk, but I couldn’t tell for sure. I just hope they stick to tradition and don’t do Christmas here. How can this bitch afford to buy all these gifts anyway? With drug sale money? Anyway, this car left again for the last time, then the cock came and went, and that’s it.

Yesterday was weird, cuz Bill left before the cock came. Why would he leave the kid alone like that?

In a little while, I’ll get into yesterday. It’s only 9:23 now and I hear the rain picking up again, so I’m too nervous to concentrate on writing.

Later…

Thank God! It’s over. It’s brightening up out there and the barometer’s coming up. But what are we gonna do the next time it rains? And the next? And the next? And the next? How much worse will this get with each rainfall, too?

I guess it’ll be a while before Tom comes home, so I’ll get into yesterday’s torture.

Actually, I should start with Sunday night. The people at Genesis are really incompetent and I hope I never have to go back there again. Not only did they tell Vicki I could eat normally up till midnight, which was a lie cuz I had to have just liquids the day before, but they also said in their prep kit instructions that I’ll have “several bowel movements a few hours after drinking the drink.” Wrong! More like “several bouts of diarrhea 5½ hours after drinking the drink, and then again later. Both bouts of diarrhea will be after you’ve gone to bed and will wake you up, too.” I took the drink at 6 PM and was slightly nauseous, but was asleep by 9:30. At 11:30, the pains woke me and I nearly puked and had the runs for about 15 minutes. I fell back asleep till the runs woke me again at 2:30. I was up with that for about a half-hour, then I went back to bed till Tom got me up at 6:45. Then I had to go without my coffee, suffering from my growling, hungry belly, shove a suppository up my ass, and deal with my last bout of the runs 15 minutes later.

First we had to wait forever for the receptionist when we got there, then we had to go upstairs and wait forever too, to the sound of four obnoxious black kids. Those fucking blacks, man, I swear! I don’t know what I hate more, blacks or Hispanics.

This lady, who went back and forth between being sweet and nice to a bitch, eventually took me in and to a dressing room where I had to strip and put my shoes and clothes in a basket, along with my purse. I put a Johnny on with it open in the back and one with it open in the front.

They wouldn’t allow Tom in for either exam due to the radiation.

So I was put on a hard metal table where the girl took some pictures of my kidneys, then left the room. When she came back, she told me that the technician didn’t see how this test was relevant to fertility testing, so they were gonna have me do an ultrasound instead and then I didn’t have to worry about having an IV too. I didn’t realize an IV would be included in this test, but as Tom pointed out, we should’ve known by the name of the test - IVP kidney.

Then I started getting really frustrated. First it was the waiting time, and now the finding out things at the last minute and being told one thing only to find out another, and now I had just gone and got myself sick all night long for nothing! But then she reassured me I didn’t waste my time, cuz the prep kit helps with the HSG.

So, out I go to sit and wait some more. This time, though, I waited in the hall where the exam rooms were, and they let Tom come join me.

The lady called me again saying they couldn’t get a hold of my doctor, and to come with her. I stalled for a minute cuz I was confused. Then she firmly told me, “Come here. I don’t want to discuss this here. Let’s discuss it in the room.”

Back in the room, she told me they were gonna go ahead with the IVP since they couldn’t reach the doctor. All this waiting and getting jerked around was getting to me! Was God trying to tell me something? Was it for losing weight? Anyway, she misfired when trying to get the fucking IV in, so she called in this butch to do it. Even now as a non-smoker, my veins are still small. She couldn’t find a vein in my left arm, so after what took forever, she got an IV in the right arm. Then the lady injected a dye in my veins that was supposed to make the kidneys show up, I guess, and then the IV slipped out. At that point, I was like - forget it. It’s just not meant to be. But she said she had time to take pictures if she hurried. She took pictures and I asked how they were. She said she could see what she needed to see, but then she got all irritated that I would ask her what the scoop was with the kidneys since that’s for the doctor to tell me.

All the while I was with her, there was this screaming baby in a nearby room. Totally obnoxious too, and this thing held things up, I guess, cuz once again, Tom and I had to wait forever between kidney and female exams.

The only funny thing about it was when Tom said that at least they can’t miss when it comes to the female part of it like they did with the IV. No, but it sure didn’t tickle!

I went in with some other lady. It was a big, ugly room with that same hard metal table. Not even a little tiny bit of cushioning for comfort. She told me if I thought it would be bad, it’d be horrible. Well, she was kind of close, cuz it was definitely a little more than just uncomfortable. It was crossing the border into being painful, with quite the cramps! The first part of the exam was like a regular exam, then it turned into a really bad period. The doctor came in and he was friendly, but a little rough for being the male that he was. He kind of poked, pushed, and rubbed a little hard when soaping up my crotch. Then he inserted a speculum and cleaned off the cervix area, which caused some cramping. He put some cream on the cervix that’s supposed to numb that, but I don’t think it did any good, cuz I felt that tube go in that he inserted in my cervix! This numbing stuff also did nothing for the uterus and its cramping. I also thought I was gonna puke at one point too. I couldn’t see much on the monitor. The doctor agreed, unlike that first woman, to tell me his findings.

I didn’t know I’d have to do this, but I had to roll over onto my side for side shots, with my legs spread, my crotch pried open, and the cramps and nausea killing me. Then he took the tube and speculum out of me and they took one last picture of me from behind as I lay on my stomach, then I got dressed and left.

As I was having this done, I realized I could never handle in-vitro. I’d think they’d have to dilate the cervix even more and that that procedure would last longer. Also, they don’t put fluid into the uterus, they poke it with the tools they use to insert the fertilized egg.

Also, when this woman reminded me that this is nothing compared to labor, it reinforced the fact that I could never ever have a kid. If I couldn’t handle a tiny tube in my cervix, I could never handle a baby passing through it, even if the cervix does automatically dilate much more on its own.

I can totally, totally see, like never before, why God sterilized me. I couldn’t handle a child if my life depended on it. It’s like - no wonder he sterilized me! I kind of figured as much all along (along with other reasons), but this really drove it into me.

Anyway, once again, yesterday proved women’s intuition is real. Or at least my vibes are. I always knew deep down in my gut that my fallopian tubes were fine and that it was more likely to be within the uterus and more than likely caused by the DES. It looks like I’m right so far, cuz my kidneys are fine, my tubes weren’t clogged, but I do have a horned uterus. Something that you commonly see in DES people. What was weird, though, was that the doctor told me it’s also found in non-DES people too. I asked him if this automatically meant I couldn’t carry a kid and he said no, but he doesn’t know as much as Dr. Wells does and only she can tell me how severe this is. Even if it was totally irrelevant to conception, there’s always the chance that I don’t ovulate, my eggs are damaged, I have this bacteria in my fluids that kills sperm, or that my hormones are screwy, or that his sperm is fucked, but you know I highly doubt that one. My first guess is that the problem lies within the uterus. My second guess would be my eggs, and my last guess would be hormones. If I don’t hear from the doctor about the tests by Friday, I’ll call her.

In the end, though, no matter what is or isn’t wrong with me, and no matter what I feel about it, I know I’ll never have a kid. Not with a husband that cums so rarely and certainly not with God making sure this never happens. Some would ask if I felt that the reason I never conceived is due to how little Tom cums, but no. I never would have or will conceive no matter if he cums a little or a lot.

Although Tom couldn’t find much online about horned uteruses (he hasn’t done a very extensive search yet either, he says) he read up on hormone problems, a fertility clinic in Phoenix that covers diagnostics, but not treatments, and how misshapen uteruses can be surgically corrected. The idea of having surgery is less scary to me than having anything done while I’m awake. That’s for sure! That was really sweet of him to do this research, though.

Another thing he said he read was that they suggest taking Ibuprofen a couple of hours before the HSG test to ward off the cramps. That just goes to show how incompetent these fucks at Genesis are. There were others that were upset with them too, Tom said. He overheard people upset over their technicians questioning the tests that were ordered and how they wanted to bitch to the supervisor about it. I agree with Tom when he said that these fucking technicians shouldn’t question doctor’s orders like they did with me. They should just do what they’re told to do, but I guess some people like to challenge and argue with others.

I called and told Tammy about yesterday, and I sent an email to Evie and Marla. Marla will relay the news to Linda, I guess. I typed it up in Kim’s next letter. I’m adding on bit by bit and when I think there’s enough there, I’ll print it out for her.

I really hit the food after my grueling ordeal. Got a burger and a slice of cheesecake, had a TV dinner, and even some popcorn. Had some fries and another slice of cheesecake today too, and poor Tom, who didn’t want to eat out again today too (the roof fucked our plans up as usual), got something. I felt really bad and felt like a half-assed wife for not cooking more often, but he said he’s the one who does the grocery shopping. It’s his fault he didn’t get anything, but it’s just that he’s been so preoccupied with the roof. Yeah, our whole lives are that roof! That fucking mother-fucking roof!! Godfuckingdamn this roof to hell!!

He was going to go to the grocery store after work, then come home and take me to a few stores for those nails I wrote about, and for scissors, the rebate, and the ramps to the cage.

Thanks to this fucking roof that always delays things and sets us back just when it looks like we’re gonna finally get ahead and be able to move on to other things (although I told him I vibed that this roof is unfixable for him), he came straight home and went up in the attic. He feels that these leaks came through from where the cooler and AC connect to the house. He feels that the stuff he put around these openings to seal it from rain, didn’t have time to dry, so we went and got this stuff today that says you can apply it even if it’s raining.

It won’t work. Nothing will stop this leaking. I don’t know if this house is possessed by some evil spirit, if it’s God, the devil, or what, but it ain’t going away. We’re cursed with it in this house, and God only knows if the problem will follow us when we move. Or take on some other form. Meaning, maybe when we have the nicer, newer house, he’ll give us health problems for it.

I just hope that the roof shit doesn’t get worse due to the testing. Or cuz of the weight loss. I also wonder if the return of Caddy Kid means anything. I know he comes and goes, but the fact that he came at this time, makes me wonder. Maybe I’m just paranoid. I hope so. Better to be paranoid and worry for nothing, than to worry for a reason.

We had yet another new problem with this old fucked up house, but Tom took care of it in a few minutes. As you know, we only have a few doors here that open and close normally, so we didn’t need to find the bathroom door sticking all of a sudden since we had enough going on. Guess our kick-ass heater expanded the wood, but he sanded it down really well.

Anyway, you know me. I’ll go from 109 pounds to 115 pounds or higher if I eat any more than 800-1200 calories a day, so it’s back to my usual diet plan.

I guess we’ll be going out tomorrow to Walgreens and Staples to get the stuff we want, although I don’t think we’ll be getting the ramps. The stores I called didn’t have them, and Tom had trouble connecting to their site on AOL, so who knows when we’ll get that? I’m talking about ramps, in case I didn’t mention it, to make it easier for the rats to use the top two floors of their cage. They won’t go up there at this point cuz of the straight tube.

I had Mickey out today. I held him a bit and let him run around on the bed.

Today I hemmed a pair of pants, did some laundry, the dishes, changed the bed, and did other odds and ends around the house.

My shows are on tonight. The Medical Detectives and The FBI Case Files.

Later…

As long as Tom continues to be the supportive person he’s been, and as long as he’s OK with going “all the way,” so to speak, I’d like to take care of unfinished business and keep going with this fertility stuff unless something out of my control comes up to stop me. He said we have an agreement, he’ll still cum regularly, and he’ll be honest about it, but I know better. Still, I need to keep on going till the end, whatever and wherever the end may be. I’m kind of going to go into this as if I want a kid and not just information. That way, if I change my mind in five years (as long as he’s willing to cum and have the kid) I can have one if I can be fixed and if God will let me and turn me into quite the toughie that I’m not, but like I said, none of this is gonna happen. I don’t see it, but fortunately, I’m still OK with it. I look forward to life and freedom unless something ever did happen to change that and if it did, I’d just try to deal with it as best I could. Meanwhile, even though I awoke glad I went through the HSG as tough as it was, I’m not finished yet and if not myself alone, then destiny too, is pushing me onward still till I’m done. Tom understands this feeling of unfinished business. Especially without hearing what the doctor has to say about all this.

Wednesday, December 16, 1998

 

Thankfully, it hasn’t rained today like they said it might.

I guess we’re gonna be going out later.

Later…

Tom was offered a job in a different department being a “working boss” versus an office boss, in two different areas. The pro is that he could have his raise of about 45 cents now, rather than in April, but the con is the hours. The hours would make it tough to take me or his mom to appointments. Mary has no problems taking Ma to afternoon appointments, but mornings are tough for her. So, he’s probably gonna turn the offer down. My vibe is that he won’t be making any changes at the bank till right around when we move, and he’ll be at the bank altogether for 2-5 more years.

We went to Staples and got a pack of three scissors and to Walgreens where I got more glitter nail polish, so now I have three. One has magenta and red glitter, one has purple and green, and one has blue and silver. It’ll be a while before I use these, though, cuz I now have airbrushed fake nails on. They’re red with black curvy lines that turn white at the tips. Next time, I’m gonna get the nail art kit where you draw your own designs.

Anyway, these do take some getting used to. It’s amazing I can type at all. Unwaxing and waxing up my braces is tougher, but it’ll only help to keep me from eating more than I should. I’ll only eat now when I’m really hungry. Gotta use my knuckles when using the touchpad on the microwave. They were really long. Totally daggers! So I trimmed them down. I also rounded them off to make them look more natural. They came squared off at the tips and I hate that. They’ve really come a long way with nail glue. In the past, these would all fall off in no time. It takes no time at all to glue the nails on. These aren’t the kinds you file into your own nail. Filing to make them fit well is what takes a long time. I scanned/printed one of my hands to show the nails to Tammy. Tammy would hate something like this. Not long nails, but the designs. She’s never been into loud, colorful, artistic, creative stuff. I also printed a copy for Tom, since I put them on after he crashed and will be going to bed when he gets up.

As I knew would be the case, I didn’t shit today or yesterday. Not after all those runs! Besides, my body’s gonna do everything it can to get back above 110 pounds. Well, it’s doing a fine job so far cuz I woke up at 110½. I was sort of surprised, though. I thought I’d be back to 112 or 113. Tomorrow I will be.

Thought up a wonderful piece of bullshit for the freeloader’s excerpts. One that goes something like this: As I was putting out mail, Bill was wiping his car windows and he called out hello to me. I said hello back and we made pleasant small talk for a few minutes. Then he said he had to go pick up his daughter. I lied and said we were on friendly terms at last, so could I please go with him? She’d like that. He said sure, but believe me, she wasn’t the least bit happy to see me!

Later…

What’s going on, cock? What the fuck were you just doing here for an hour and a half? Making plans to come back? You’ll be sorry if you do! Mark my words, asshole!

Yeah, Bill picked up Bitch, brought it back, and the fucking cock pulled in at 6:00, took something out of its trunk, and didn’t pull out till 7:30. Still no music, fortunately for the bitch and for all of them, but nobody exchanges that many Christmas presents. Could it be a late birthday present for the mistake? Or was it hauling its shit over here? Six months is a good length of time to back off when you’re caught being where you’re not supposed to be, so what’s it gonna do now? Come back, keep the music off, but slam doors again several times a day? I don’t think so! El cocko, you will never again live next to me. Never!

Just when it had been wonderfully quiet around here as far as stereos go, it’s horrendous again. And again, it’s a hell of a coincidence that it starts back up again the very day I lose weight and rebel against God. Well, my weight will naturally go back up, so curb some of these stereos, OK God?

Doors, toilets, and roofs - it never fucking ends! I got so sick of playing toilet that I took the lid off the toilet, and that’s how it’ll stay while we’re still here. That way, when it gets hung up and when jiggling the handle doesn’t work, I can just reach in and fix it. This fucking toilet needs another part, and Tom mentioned replacing the whole fucking thing, but I’d just hex that too. I told him to use his best judgment. He knows more about this shit than I do, and I don’t want to make my life one big toilet debate. This is its third fucking problem. First it flushed too sluggishly, then it leaked, and now this!

Thursday, December 17, 1998

 

Got an email from Marla and Evie in regard to my testing and questioning how I could handle a kid if that had been meant to be. They’re jumping the gun, though, and making false assumptions by getting it into their minds that we’re gonna have a kid. We’re not, and I told them so. I’m just trying to get info.

Marla told me she’d print out my message for Linda when she sees her this weekend. They live 20 minutes apart. She and Linda also told me something I didn’t know. She said contractions don’t feel like period cramps. That’s nice to know. I hate cramps! They’re just about the worst. They also told me that after the labor pains peak, you don’t feel pain. All you feel is like you have to take a shit, then the baby comes out. Really? But what about the pain of it going through the cervix and vagina? They all say it’s worth it and quickly forgotten. Evie said she was too late in getting to the hospital to take any meds, but she survived. How can an hour and a half be too late? Evie also said she’d hang onto some old maternity things for me, which I told her not to do. I told her a child isn’t meant to be. Period. But I was now OK with that and I know that this only means that God has other plans for me. Not just that I couldn’t handle a child (she said God would help me through the pain of that and not let me hurt for too long). I can’t let myself get hooked back into this child thing. I don’t want to rekindle old dreams that can never be brought to reality. If they fixed me tomorrow and if God suddenly didn’t care if I had a kid or not, my husband still does. He would never allow me to conceive. He would never cum again and if he did, he’d make sure to do it at a safe time.

What if they said I needed in vitro? I mean, what would he do? Feel so trapped and so cornered, say he’ll go along with it, but then refuse to let them have his cum so I could never have this done? Not that I would, cuz I couldn’t handle it.

Well, no matter what the doctor tells me when I hear from her, my destiny is my freedom and my husband. Building that dream house, buying things, my critters, etc.

Later…

Tom brought home some more of that stuff to seal around the AC and cooler. He said yes, the rain did wash the other sealer away as he suspected. I’ll still never believe that this leaking can be stopped without seeing it first. Seeing is believing for me.

He said we’re gonna have to keep the dumpster through the weekend (we were gonna have it out of here by the weekend) and that maybe he’ll call them Saturday.

He also bought a new toilet kit. Last time, we bought a new handle, but this time he bought a new sealer. The part that seals up the hole for when the water fills, and that flaps up to let the water out.

In case I didn’t mention this, I’ve given Tom all the change I’ve been saving up so he can buy the headphones he wants for Christmas. There’s a little extra, cuz the headphones only cost about $30. These are wireless too, but they’re the kind you need to be in the same room with whatever you’re using them in. This way, we can hook the ones where you don’t need to be to my stereo, so I can use these headphones to listen to music if I want to while he’s got the TV headphones on. He’s gonna use the change at the grocery store and take other money for the headphones. There’s a machine there that counts change and gives you bills for it. He’ll let me know just how much money was there since we didn’t count it all.

Andy left a message Tuesday that I didn’t even know Tom saved for me. Sometimes I forget to check for saved messages. Anyway, Andy was asking me to be more specific about the testing and asked if I can have kids or not. That was sweet of him to care enough to ask. I know these things gross him out too, so I had been being careful with what I said. I told him that under no circumstances whatsoever would God allow me a child, and that although my uterus doesn’t look great, I don’t know enough at this point. All I’m trying to do now is seek out info.

I reminded Evie about this too, who’s jumping the gun by saying she’s still got some maternity clothes around that she’ll hang onto for me. Then Tom reminded me that I could fit into Evie’s regular clothes if I were nine months pregnant, she’s so big.

Tom also feels that my fallopian tubes still could’ve been blocked and that the dye flushed any blockage out. He said they can’t always tell if your tubes are blocked. My tubes weren’t blocked. I just know they weren’t.

After I told Tom that I was confused and unsure of what to do next, he made a so-called deal with me. I told him that I still feel just as controlled by him as I do by God and that if I got fixed and decided I wanted to conceive, and if God suddenly didn’t care whether or not I conceived, he’d never let me. He’d play God with my life. So, I was thinking of canceling this fertility thing, since as he agreed, we need the sex to be normal for this. Even if he wasn’t full of it, and even if he had cum all along, he hasn’t cum since the appointment and roof. There are just too many things he needs to fix and if God hadn’t sealed my fate as far as a kid goes, he has, so what the hell? Most women who are sterile can go get fixed and have a normal enough sex life with which to conceive. But I’m a unique case within a unique case. Totally controlled by both Tom and God. What they say goes. Tom’s the one with the sperm, he knows it, and God isn’t about to step in and make Tom squirt his cum into me regularly. Then he told me to just give us the weekend to have sex now that my tubes could be unblocked and now that I’m mid-cycle, see what it’s like, then make a decision. I’ve been through these so-called deals with him before, and the wait-and-see crap. But I have seen. First of all, he’s just gonna lie and say he came when he didn’t, and if he did, one weekend of him cumming isn’t gonna cut it. He needs to cum more than three times a year for him to say he’s cumming regularly and be telling the truth. He also needs to come more than that in order to leave it up to God to decide if I should conceive and not be manipulating and trying to control things.

I wonder, though, about another possibility. Maybe he will admit he didn’t cum this weekend. Or maybe he’ll boldly look me in the eye and lie and say he did. Is he contemplating or planning on admitting he didn’t cum with the hopes of me canceling the fertility testing cuz of it? Could be. Maybe I should insist he came and let him go along with it. If he went along with it in the past, why not now? Then we won’t have to discuss it. A part of me wishes I never bothered letting him know I knew all along he wasn’t cumming. I knew he’d either make an excuse for lying or just plain old deny it. That’s the awful thing about this otherwise wonderful man who’s one in millions. If you confront him with something you don’t think, but you know, he lied to you about, he’ll cry don’t pick on me! Or he’ll just boldly insist he is telling the truth when you know damn well he’s not. He’s really bold. Some people are like that, though. They think that if they’re caught in a lie, don’t make excuses for it, just deny it. Denial is easy, isn’t it?

I’m still OK with never having a child. I have enough other things to live for and I want to stay with my husband forever no matter what, but it’s the lies, the false promises, and the saying one thing and doing another that I’m fed up with. He reminded me today how much I prefer actions to talk, so let’s do our deal and all that. But he won’t put his actions where his mouth is. He’ll say one thing and do another, or he’ll lie about it and insist he did what he said he’d do when he really didn’t.

Later…

Right on schedule. Bill’s gone to get the bitch. Will the cock visit for an hour and a half tonight?

I read Tom my piece of bullshit on how I went to pick up the bitch with Bill and she flipped over it while I laughed. Then they drove to the police station and she ended up getting arrested for being hysterical. I denied riding with them and said they were following me, and out of fear, I came to the PD. He got a kick out of it.

It’s nice not having the toilet hang up and it’s nice being able to just quickly touch the button and have it flush. Before, I had to hold it in for several seconds. I’m gonna enjoy this toilet while it works, cuz I know it’s just a matter of time before it goes on the fritz again.

Later…

Oh, God! The cock’s here. In the driveway again like yesterday. He never parks in the driveway on weekdays. That tells me something that I don’t like and that worries me. I can’t believe I didn’t hear any door slamming. I wouldn’t know it was here if I didn’t look, but that’s the way it should be.

This is day three and still no dump. Damn, that shit they gave me really cleaned me out! Amazingly, though, I woke up at 110 pounds and not the 112-113 I expected to wake up at. What’s gonna happen, though? Is my body gonna wait till it is back up to 112-113 pounds before it shits?

It helps to write about some things that bother me, but this one’s a little tougher. Our fucking lying whore of a president bombed Iraq. And it’s so childish too, cuz he’s doing it for the wrong reasons. He claims it’s because they refused to cooperate with weapons inspections, and they did have some weapons that could’ve harmed people nearby, and they are a fucked up country, but it’s all over his not wanting to be impeached and brought to trial for lying about having oral sex with that 21-year-old. He figures this will stall impeachment. So, innocent children have to die because he had to get his dick sucked by some young thing and he can’t own up to it and deal with it? That’s great. That’s just really great. Why is sex always so destructive?! I wish I could say that in this slut’s case, what goes around will come around and he’ll be assassinated, but I know he won’t. Nope. He’ll live a long, healthy, free life full of all kinds of money, sex, fun and power.

Once again, this cock is hanging around a little too long to be playing daddy. More like banging its bitch and making plans to come back. I didn’t see or hear anything being unloaded, but like I said, if it’s gonna be stupid enough to come back and get its bitch evicted, let it.

Later…

The cock just left. So it was here an hour and 15 minutes tonight instead of an hour and a half, huh? About 15 minutes before it left, I heard two car doors, but because it was dark, I couldn’t tell if it took something out of its car or if it put something in its car. He used to do this all the time he lived here, though - come out and play car door six times a day. It can’t even be here an hour and not play doors!

Anyway, I think it’s testing me and the city and getting a feel for things to see if it’s really safe enough to return. By parking in the driveway, he can see if the city questions it before moving in and really getting everybody into trouble, and also see if I complain about it. Once he feels the coast is clear, in it’ll come. Although, it is parking in the driveway after business hours. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Uh-oh. I just peeked out and saw the bitch’s front light on. She doesn’t usually keep that light on unless she’s either expecting company or currently has company over. Well bitch, your company just left. A little slow at cutting the light? Or are you expecting another round?

Later…

I think I know why I heard two door slams, then one more when it left. The bitch is early to bed, early to rise during the week, but not this early. There are no lights on inside the house. Just the porch, so I think the first two slams were her and Mistake getting in the car. Then for whatever reason, Mr. Cock didn’t come out for 15 minutes later, then they all split. So, Bitch and Mistake should be pulling in with Mr. Fuck sometime before 9 PM, then it’s off to la-la land!

Friday, December 18, 1998

 

I was right about the bitch. It was out with its cock last night. It came in around 10 PM.

I asked Tom if he thought the cock was on its way back in and he said no. He said he thinks they probably went out to pick out a Christmas present for their mistake together, and because the stores are mobbed at this time of year, it took them hours.

At 1:30 PM today, I saw the cock, the kid, and some other guy get out of the cock’s car, which was parked in the street since that was during business hours. El Cocko was wearing a red sports shirt. Guess as Tom said, he has some time off, since people get time off at this time of year. The dude he was with was little. Sort of short and very thin. He had on tight jeans, a black leather jacket, and a cowboy-type hat. I think it was black with a wide brim. Both guys were carrying stuff. Maybe food. They weren’t here long.

At 4:30 PM, Bill left as usual, and returned at 5:22. He should be pulling out any sec now, then the cock should show up for an hour or two.

I hope Tom’s right when he says it’s very unlikely that this country will be bombed in our lifetime since we’re the ones with all the bombs and resources to make them. Iraq can’t bomb us back now, but I hope to hell he’s right and that they don’t find a way to develop the technology to bomb us in 15 years.

I got a message from Evie and called her back. It seems good old Nora is trying to dump Jennifer off on some family member. She called Evie all hysterical from work and said she was gonna call us, but she hasn’t wasted her time yet. Evie told her she didn’t think it’d be good for Jennifer to be placed in different places temporarily. She thinks she should be adopted. The problem with adopting, though, is that no one wants older kids. If they’re more than a day old, they don’t want them. Also, Jennifer’s an aggressive, violent, hyper bitch, thanks to her wonderful mom, so no one wants her. She keeps getting kicked out of the foster homes they stick her in. Evie doesn’t want her beating up on her kids.

I knew Tom was wrong too, when he said they said Pam could never have Jennifer back under any circumstances. They told her she could have her back either in 90 days or if she could provide a home for her. As I told Tom, our lovely system will see to it that Pam gets Jennifer back, even though they both should be killed. Jennifer should be killed cuz her future is already doomed, and people like Pam should be killed cuz they’re sick fucks. Since they’re not gonna kill her, why don’t they order her to have her tubes tied and to stay away from all children for the rest of her life, no matter what her life is like? They should! She’s not in the psyche ward anymore, either. She’s in a shelter and able to have another kid now. She’ll be getting pregnant again anytime now, trust me. You take a kid away from its mother and the mother turns right around and has more. It happens all the time.

Anyway, Tom would never go for a calm kid in here for a while, let alone one that wild, and I totally agree. Also, I meant it when I said that if I’m not good enough for my own kid, in God’s eyes, then I’m not good enough for someone else’s, even if it was just for a little while. Lisa would’ve been different cuz of her age.

Bill left just a few minutes ago. Mr. Cocko shall be pulling in any sec.

I woke at 109 pounds and still haven’t shit, either. Tom says that’s normal after taking the enema. Yeah, I’ll shit when I shit. Meanwhile, I’m surprised I’m not back between 112-115 pounds.

Later…

Miss Bitch is having company tonight. The front light’s on. Unless that thunk I just heard was someone picking her up. Might’ve been the recycle bin cover, but I don’t know. It leaves the light on when it’s expecting company, has company or is going out. I looked out front and in the carport, but I didn’t see a car and I didn’t see headlights shining on the music room wall where I was just now, so I’d guess she dumped some shit in her bin, and is waiting for her cock. After all, the lights are on over there, too. So someone’s there.

I decided to take a break from my near-starving regimen and have a couple of Tom’s pork chops he got. Well, they were good, but now the guilt’s set in and I feel like I automatically gained 5 pounds. I feel fat! It was good to fill up, though. I haven’t been that full in a long time, although nowadays, it doesn’t last long with me. Anyway, since I already blew it today and had over 1000 calories (those pork chops alone were about 1000 calories right there), I won’t worry about how many 70-calorie cups of coffee I have for the remainder of the night. Tomorrow, I gotta get back on track. Don’t want to throw all my hard work away. I had to get sick for most of this! Maybe, though, I should take a suppository once a week or so. At least it works 15 minutes later and not 5 hours later when you’re asleep. It’s funny how it’s after I stop walking that I lose more weight.

Evie said what I figured she’d say - she’s nowhere near her goal of 125 pounds for Christmas. She only lost about 15 pounds, which would put her around 160, and has gained 4 pounds back. Yeah, that’s the life of a mother for you. Also, maybe she shovels thousands of calories a day into her mouth. Who knows? I’m not there to see how she eats.

Later…

I think the bitch is out somewhere. After I heard the thunk of what I thought was a car door, I saw shadows moving over there in front. The light’s still on but there’s no car here, and also, it is dark inside. I can see two of her windows from the music room and the one in front is dark. The one in back, which is the kitchen, has a dim light shining through. So, someone got in a car when I heard the thunk, the shadows were caused by someone else going back in to kill most of the lights, or coming out after just doing so, then they took off.

Later…

Bitch still isn’t back yet.

Just watched L.A. Detectives which was a dumb thing to do. It only depressed me to see a case of this guy who shot his kids, his wife, then himself. Ain’t God just wonderful? Yeah, it just makes me hate and fear him all the more knowing he could allow this to happen. At least he allowed the guy to shoot himself in the end. 

Now that’s justice.

Saturday, December 19, 1998

 

Didn’t hear the bitch return last night, but when I peeked out at around 11 PM, the light was off.

The cock’s here now. It’s been here since noon when I got up. I just saw it come out and fumble with something in the backseat, then it got out and headed back into the house.

Woke up at 110 pounds. Two more pounds, then I can shit.

Later…

Sunshine and Lollipops is here! Can you believe she only took 17 days to get here? She’s a cutie. Even cuter than in her catalog with her brown pigtails, eyes, and happy smile (the dolls seem to look better in person). She’s my first with pigtails, socks, the style of shoes she wears, a yellow dress, freckles, and the toothy smile she’s got. You can see her top teeth. But as you know, I have lousy doll luck. I can’t quite pose her as her picture shows her posed, but it’s a minor thing, and it’s certainly not worth sending her back over. She’s got a big lollipop which she holds and two little ones in her dress pocket. Just like I did with Patrice and Summer Dream, the dolls I got from Ashton-Drake, I scanned their certificates of authenticity and sent their pictures to Tammy so she could get an idea of some of the dolls I collect.

I’ve decided that after I get that angel doll if I get her, I’m gonna hang up the porcelain doll collecting for a while and get some of those Barbie dolls after all. I just love their outfits. At least they range from $12-$20, rather than $40-$300, as my porcelain dolls do.

At 3:30, the bitch and cock left. I think their great big mistake went along, too. They must’ve gone to some party, cuz the bitch was pretty decked out in a short black skirt, and what appeared to be a maroon velour top. A half-hour ago at 9:00, a white car came in and I heard several door slams. Ever since then, the front light’s been on, so who knows if she’s expecting someone, or what.

Tom said that the reason there haven’t been ball games lately may be cuz of the roofing. They may have feared that the kids will get hit with the roofing shit he’d toss down. He almost nailed the mailman good. Whatever, but as soon as the freeloaders see the dumpster gone and realize that he’s all done, then yes, it’ll be payback time as far as the noise department is concerned, and since they can’t do music anymore and get away with it, they’ll send the kids and their fucking basketballs after us. How sick; to use kids to harass adults.

For the third or fourth time since putting these airbrushed nails on, one popped off. I got sick of them, being the pain in the ass that they are, and decided to give myself a break from them. I popped most of them off after a little tugging, but I had to use the acetone stuff to get rid of the rest. Still, it was different, and it was fun and I’ll probably do this every now and then. For now, I’ve got my glitter polish on.

Tom came today! Yeah, he actually came, but right now, I’m tired of writing and I think I’ll go read.

Sunday, December 20, 1998

 

As I last said - the freeloader’s front light was on last night at 9:00 when the white car came in. At 11:00, I saw it was still on and wondered if the bitch forgot to turn it off, but nope. The white car came in again just after midnight, then that was it.

At 6:30 today, the white car came in, then split, but the light was still on so I knew someone else would be coming in. At 7:20, Bill came in, left, then returned at 8:15. Then the light went off. So, she’s tucked in for the night. I guess he took his bitch daughter grocery shopping. It was dark, but it looked like those could’ve been grocery bags, anyway. I can also tell in the dark who’s who. I can tell Bill’s slow shuffle from the bitch’s aggressive walk. The bitch almost bounces when she walks, she’s so furious half the time! It’s like a bouncy trot. Just about ready to break into a run.

I didn’t see the cock’s car today. Did it go out of town for Christmas? Well, if I don’t see it tomorrow, then I probably could assume it did, since it doesn’t stay away more than two days lately.

The tree in front of their house serves as a landmark for nighttime spying. The streetlight casts light upon it so I can see if there’s a car there by how much of the tree I can see. Usually, it’s lit up enough to see the silhouette and metallic gleam of any car that might be parked there at night without the tree, but the tree helps, anyway. The landmark tree also tells me if their front light is on since we can’t see their front door/porch from our front door/living room window. I can tell by how bright the light reflects off the tree if it’s on or not.

Cindy left a message and Tom called her back. She just wanted to know about wires for putting in a phone jack. I’m surprised she didn’t need Tom to come over and do something for her.

We finally got Tammy and the girl’s Chanukah T-shirts done, although it’s a little late. I told them it may be a little late, though. I picked out the pictures, printed them out, decided who’d get which ones, then Tom ironed them on. He did a great job. They got a mix of pictures of themselves, us, and even a couple of Nana and Pa. I didn’t do any of our pets.

Tom will be picking up mailbags tomorrow for us to mail these out.

We’ll also be wrapping up Ma’s electric stapler he got her.

In Evie’s email to me, she said she brought Christmas presents over to Ma’s house, so we can pick ours up anytime, and she’s willing to do refills if we like it. Well, I don’t know what it is, but Tom thinks it’s food. I wouldn’t be surprised. Just when I have to be so strict with my calorie intake, here comes all kinds of junk!

I woke up at 110 pounds and just when I was wondering if I should pig out and up to 112 so I could shit, I shit. Not very much, but it’s a start.

I typed up Tom a half-wacky, half-serious letter as an excuse to show him my “hidden message.” I typed the letter as I usually would, then I highlighted and changed the color of letters throughout the page to form the words I love you. Did this in one of the freeloader’s pages too, but I certainly didn’t make the words I love you. I just did the bitch’s last name.

Tom’s really put a dent in the cleanup around here. Well, maybe not the side yet, but the front and the back. He even trimmed the front tree! I never thought he would till the day before we moved. It looks much better, and now I can see more when spying. I can see the street now, but before, I could only see part of it.

We didn’t have sex today, and I know his cumming will always be something he rarely does, but he sure did shock me with cumming yesterday! He said he should take Ibuprofen when we really want him to cum, cuz it helps with aches and pains and shit like that. He said he’s had this all his life. I wonder why? Anyway, why did he cum yesterday? To try to cover for his fears by cumming when I’m mid-cycle and after having that dye? Or cuz he knows my uterus is still as it is and that it cannot carry a child? Some other reason?

Well, I can’t say I’m not glad to know that yesterday’s fun didn’t get me pregnant. That’s not what I really want. What I really want is to spend my time and money on moving and buying things. Not put my time and money into a kid. He reminded me earlier that we need to save money after the 1st so we can move. I agree. Poor guy hasn’t even had time yet to go gambling or use his share of the money for fun things for himself. He has gotten a few things, though.

I didn’t call the doctor last Friday, cuz Tom suggested I don’t till I see how the sex goes this weekend, and then I can decide whether or not to carry on with this fertility thing. I may not even call them this week either, what with Christmas and all that going on this week. I may wait till after Christmas unless I hear from her.

As I told Tom, the truth, and his happiness are what matters to me. He doesn’t have to cum if he doesn’t want to. He just has to be honest about it.

Evie was reminding me once again how the odds were against her having kids, then she got married, having kids was the last thing on her mind, and then she found out she was pregnant. Yeah, yeah. I know these things happen to people, but other people. These things don’t happen to me. I know what she means by life being full of surprises, as I told her. I certainly didn’t expect to get married. I thought I’d be single and loveless all my life, but there are some things that just don’t happen to me. Not everything can happen to everyone. She also doesn’t know she’s dealing with a psychic here who knows these things. If yesterday’s sex was gonna spawn a child, I’d know it. I’d sense it.

I’m now reading Ghost Child by Duffy Stein and it’s great. Just the kind of story I like.

Did you know that these houses are so close that I can see the security light when it’s on two yards down where the dogs are from inside this house? Even when it’s not totally dark yet and even with the kitchen light on I can see it cuz it’s so bright. Thank God that’s not right next to us!

So are the freeloaders and the people with the dogs still friends? Neither of us has seen them socializing in quite a while and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if they had a fight.

In one of Evie’s little joke things she sends, there was this thing with trivial shit in it and one of the things said that beating your head in the wall burns up to 150 calories. This one cracked me up. Totally reminded me of Bob and how he’d do that to try to get Kim’s attention.

Monday, December 21, 1998

 

And now it’ll gradually get lighter earlier and darker later. I don’t really like that being in the city. In the city, that’s at least three extra hours that they could play ball, for example, when the days are longer.

Tom just ran out to pick me up some coffee and to get mailers for the T-shirts. They should get the shirts by Saturday.

Tom called to have the dumpster picked up. They’re gonna pick it up tomorrow, I guess, then send him a bill for the extra days he used it.

I’m not going to do much cleaning up in the backyard since he’s gonna be doing the back patio. The front’s all done, though.

I missed having my dolls set up, so I put them in places it’s never leaked before. I wanted them all in the same room so I can show them to Andy whenever he’s here again, and so I could easily grab them all and cover them if it does start leaking where I put them.

Later…

This bitch next door looks like she has some time off. I haven’t seen the cock’s car, so he may have gone out of town. Meanwhile, the bitch appears to have time off, like I said, so I don’t know why she didn’t go with him. Bill wasn’t there when I peeked out this morning, and the big white car just dropped her off, which is a wee bit late if she had to get up early the next day. This white car is more like a Bronco or Blazer-type vehicle. It was also one of the loudest visitors as far as music goes, but thanks to the city, they were quiet. The light’s off now, so I guess that’s it for tonight, although the light was off earlier and I thought she was in for the night, so we’ll see.

I just hope to hell that she goes elsewhere for Christmas and for New Year’s Eve if she’s staying in town. I have a feeling, though, that since they’ll see the dumpster gone tomorrow, and since it’s Christmas, and since it’s been a while since there’s been a quick little show from over there to serve as a reminder of their existence, they’ll raise hell over here in regards to us and all our hammering. I think it may be like Easter, only minus the music. I think we’re talking lots of cars and door-slams, and certainly lots of screaming kids playing ball for hours. Thank God it’ll be dark at 5:30 and not 8:00!

When Tom got his jury summons, I figured I was next, since the last time mine came after he got his. His is for Phoenix, but mine’s for Mesa. He said to go ahead and send them a note asking for a dismissal, but he’ll bet I won’t get called for this anyway. Oh, they got a note alright. No more courts for me! I told them how I was unstable right now with personal problems and a bit bitter towards the courts for getting convicted of making prank phone calls in the early 90s.

Yesterday’s sleeping together didn’t go so well. It figures, huh? Maybe we ought to try using separate comforters when we sleep together, cuz the second time he woke me up was cuz I felt him pulling the covers across me. The first time was when he got into bed about five hours after I had crashed. We have a deal, though, that when I get to be about a week away from an appointment, we sleep separately. Thank God this man is so supportive, patient, understanding, and not your typical male!

Got a letter from Bob today. He said just what I expected he’d say, too. That he wasn’t too happy about the idea of her moving in with Walter since he’s jealous. And he wasn’t too thrilled that she’d take anything to enlarge her tits.

I improved Sunshine and Lollipops by semi-straightening her hair. It’s still curly, but I pulled the curls out a bit. This way, it looks more like she’s got two ponytails. Before, it was so bunched up that it looked more like loose curls. Also, her arm was out of position when I got her, as I mentioned. It’s supposed to be off to the side, but it’s more towards the front of her. Since I couldn’t fix her, I put her hand in one of her pockets to make it look like she’s reaching for another lollipop, and I like this much better.

Tuesday, December 22, 1998

 

Just called Tammy to let her know their Chanukah presents were on their way and to let me know if she gets them OK. She said she’s alone with Mark. The girls are in Florida with Bill and her ex-in-laws. I asked if they’d be stopping by you know who’s, but nope. I asked if they sent Chanukah presents for the girls and she said yes. I asked if she had them returned and she said no, they arrived when she was out. I warned her that they may use the girls to get at her, but she said they wouldn’t, they haven’t even called. I really believe, though, that someday they’ll kiss and make up and it’s too bad. If they do, and if Tammy pressures me to get all lovey-dovey with these people again, I’m gone. She can do what she wants and live her life, even if I don’t always agree with her ways, but I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do as well.

Later…

The phone rang and I saw it was from a payphone and figured it was either Andy or Mary calling to say they broke down and needed a ride. Well, it was Mary, but she didn’t break down. She was calling to let us know she brought Mom to the ER. She said something about an infection, CAT scans, and no bleeding in the brain, not to worry, and that she doesn’t know much right now but will call back later.

At first I thought of waking up Tom but then thought against it for two reasons. He has to work tonight, and also, there’s nothing he could do from what I heard in her message. I’m not gonna answer when she calls back, either. I’m gonna let her leave a message so Tom can hear what she has to say directly. I wouldn’t want to take a chance of misinterpreting her.

I don’t have any death vibes about Mom. I think she’ll be OK and with us till August or September of 2000. I’m just glad, for everyone’s sake, that she doesn’t live in that house anymore and that it’s sold!

Tom fixed the printer so it shows the ink status again. I like that better.

The dumpster’s gone now so I guess that’s the freeloader’s cue to get us back for all the noise.

Bill wasn’t here today. In fact, I haven’t seen any car since I got up at 1 PM. My current conclusion is that the cock did head out of the state and left the bitch behind. Why? Who knows? Meanwhile, the bitch, who obviously has time off, is spending her days elsewhere. Someone must be picking her up in the mornings and bringing her back at night. As soon as the sun goes down, I’ll see if I can see if her front light is on. If she’s out and doesn’t plan on coming back till after dark, the light should be on now. It’s a little unnerving knowing she has the whole week off, but thanks to the city and those letters, it’s not as unnerving as it could be! I’ll bet if she knew she could still get away with raising hell over there, she’d spend every day off doing so. Since she knows she can’t, this may be why she isn’t around very much during her days off. In fact, since we complained to the city, she does seem to be out much more often. She probably figures that since she can’t stay home and bother me along with her cronies, she may as well not even bother staying here too much. It probably pisses her off to stay here and be just a few feet away from someone she detests.

Another call from Mary just came in, so I’ll go hear what she has to say this time around.

Later…

All Mary had to say was that they were still in the ER, they were going to admit her, and as soon as she knew a room number she’d call back.

Changing the rats was a near disaster! I thought they’d stay out of the way, but nope. First Ratsy got in the way and I had to shoo him out of the way, then Mickey decided to hop on out and panic on me. It’s amazing his tail didn’t come off or that he didn’t escape! He started to run, then I caught him by the tail. He spun around and around like hell and I had to kind of toss him onto the upper levels of the cage. I finally got them cleaned, though, and rewarded them with cheese, lettuce, and their regular food. It also appears we don’t need to get them ramps or T-tubes for easier access to the upper levels. They’ve been going up there themselves lately.

No eating for me today. No more than half of a TV dinner I had and some Jell-O. I woke up at 111 pounds and climbing. I didn’t shit yesterday, but I did today, so that’ll help. Still, I ate more than I should’ve yesterday and the day before. Also, if Tom stops over at Ma’s tomorrow and finds that it is junk food that Evie’s made us, I want to watch it today so I can enjoy this junk food. If I stayed around 115 pounds for four months, does this mean I’ll stay around 110 pounds for six months or more?

As the days have passed since my testing at Genesis, I find myself less and less curious as to what the next step may be, and more and more finished with this subject. I’m not saying for sure I’m either gonna do this or do that, but I think I’m done with this chapter of my life. I really don’t want a child. I don’t want to give up my time and my freedom to a kid. I want to be with my husband, and I want to have the time, freedom, and money to buy things. I like to shop, and I like to collect things and that’s just how I am, selfish or not. No, it wouldn’t kill me if I couldn’t sing at 2 AM, but it’s still nice to know I can if I want to.

Another reason I think I’m done is that I think I got my answers. I suspected my uterus all along as being the reason I can’t have a kid, and it looks like I very well may have been right. Either way, the more I don’t want a kid, the less I care about the cause of my sterility.

Later…

The front light isn’t on and neither are their lights on in the house. I’d say she’s not home. She wouldn’t stay home these many hours without company. There’d have been cars coming and going if she’d been home since I got up.

Later…

Miss Bitch is definitely, definitely not home. The house is still dark both inside and out.

I went to check out doll catalogs online last night just to see what I could find, and oh my God! I found dolls way better than what you’d find in stores. They were just to die for! Sadly enough, though, they ranged from many hundreds to even many thousands of dollars! The clothes are similar to the ones in the stores and like what I’ve got, but what made these different was their size and reality. They were mostly around 30” and so realistic looking. They looked more like real photographs of people than dolls.

Later…

Mary just called again from home and said something about doing gallstone surgery on Mom.

Next door’s still dark and deserted. I haven’t heard any car doors, either.

Wednesday, December 23, 1998

 

I’m even surer that Miss Bitch is out of town, but won’t be totally sure until the night passes without any cars coming in. Again, once it’s dark I’ll see if I can see lights on, but we both think it’s out of town.

Tom saw something very weird next door yesterday. He said a red pickup was parked on the street and an odd-looking white woman and man got out, walked directly into the carport, then left a half-hour later although he didn’t actually see them leave. It was as if they knew no one was home, he said. But since when have they ever had white friends? And why would anyone, of any color, come over if they knew she was out? To check and make sure there was no vandalism? Or were these white supremacists? People who knew the house was empty and were scouting it out to break in? Who were they and why were they here?

Tom brought home a rum cake that a woman at work made, a card from her, and a card from some guy at work too. And Evie said I guessed right. It is food she’s got for us. Food, food, food! I awoke at 110 pounds, but I need to clean myself out my way and just have liquids for a day or two.

Tom thinks this is great and perfectly OK, and that’s that Dureen and Art sent his mom a Christmas card. I have mixed emotions about it. I know how impressed with Marge they were, but still, they need to move on and forget about anyone with the last name S, just like I’ve moved on. As I told Tom too, I’m probably gonna walk and not give Tammy our new number and address when we move. It’s best that I just wonder about Lisa for the rest of my life, rather than keep that last remaining tie to the past open. The past excludes friends like Andy and Kim. I mean family ties. It’s just that if I don’t fully sever all those ties, I can’t fully move on like I need to. Tom says it’s too soon to make any decisions like that. Maybe.

Later…

It’s dark and deserted next door. If she is gone, I hope she doesn’t come back till after the New Year and not just after Christmas. I looked back and from what I wrote, I think they do stay away till either New Year’s Day or the day after.

Andy left a message about the usual - not enough work at the temp agency. Basically, all he talks about these days is phones, work, and pot, so I figured it was one of them. He’s still getting high from what he told me, too. Anyway, I left him a message about Mom, which I’ll get into in a minute.

There was a call from Dr. Brown’s office asking if I had the IVP test. I told her I had that and the HSG on the 14th. She said she called Genesis and was told there was a record of me having an appointment that day, but nothing was written about it. So I told her how screwy they were, questioning the tests that were ordered, and how they got a new computer system. Tom said they’ll find it. She said maybe she called the wrong one. There’s more than one Genesis Imaging Center, so I told her the one I went to. What? Did God erase the test results from their computer system? Or are they just that fucked up at Genesis? As I told Tom, if they do lose all their info I’m not repeating these tests. She wondered if Dr. Wells got a report yet, but who knows? She could be out of town. I told her I wasn’t going to call her till after the holidays.

When I got up, Tom told me Mom was still delirious, still in pain, and no one knew for sure what was the cause of this and how to deal with it. So, according to messages we got from Mary, then from Evie, they are gonna do gallbladder surgery on Mom tomorrow morning at 8 AM, since they know she has gallstones, and since they gotta try something.

I went through my cards and pulled out a blank one for her which I turned into a little get-well card for her. Although she’s used the hell out of us since Dad died, I feel bad for her having to suffer like this. She’s still basically a much better person than your average person will ever be.

Thursday, December 24, 1998

 

Carol and Steven got a computer and emailed Tom the other day. He gave them my email address, and I went into the mail controls and added their email address to my list so that any messages they may send me can get through.

Tom thinks he knows who those people were in the red pickup that came next door two days ago. He thinks they’re people from the church the bitch goes to, coming to see if her lawn needed mowing. He thinks the church handles her lawn. I always did say the bitch only went to church to see what she could get from it, but why were they here for 45 minutes? I asked Tom. He said they were probably just standing around in back talking. Then the next day, today, the lawn was done. I told Tom he ought to go to church and cry needy so he can have his yard work done for him.

The house is still dark and deserted, so hopefully the little bitch shit will stay away till after the New Year.

I got an unexpected letter from Andy. It had a couple of Stevie pictures on it that I guess he printed out at work or at the college he goes to when he goes to browse the internet. It was full of the usual gibberish.

Now for my surprising news. I’m 108 pounds! Exactly what I was when I quit smoking. Just last night, though, I was 113 and had to take a water pill, so I can forget about shitting today. I’m having my bean soup today, so I can shit tomorrow.

I’m quite proud of myself for quitting smoking and losing weight. Both took serious discipline and very hard work.

Ma had her gallbladder removed this morning. It was very infected. Hopefully, this explains why she was in so much pain and why she was delirious. Her fever’s gone down, so that’s good, and fever is a sign of infection. She’ll probably be in the hospital for a few weeks, but at least she’ll be going home to Mary and Dave’s and not going home alone where it’s really hard on other family members who have to take time out of their daily lives to go see/help her get by.

When I got up, I saw Tom’s Christmas card from Mom on the kitchen table with a $50 bill lying on it. I realized, upon opening my card, that if he got $50, so did I. Any amount is generous and perfectly acceptable, but with only 50 dollars, I knew I could forget about that angel doll I wanted and start thinking of what I wanted to do with $50. Buy more rats, clothes, CDs, whatever. But then I was holding two $50 bills! These were brand new bills and they were stuck together. I checked Tom’s money again and he too, had two bills, so now all I have to do is hope Angel of Wishes, as is her full name, is still at the store. With my rotten doll luck, she’ll be gone.

Friday, December 25, 1998

 

I did a load of laundry and watched a movie. Soon I’ll go begin Ghost Story and hope it’s good.

Just got off-line thanking David, Evie, Steven and Carol for their gifts. Got a total of ten Christmas cards, too. I also saw Alex on my buddy list, so we swapped Merry Christmas messages.

Got some unexpected surprises today. At Mary’s house, Mary and Dave got Tom a joystick, and me a 3-D puzzle game you play on the computer. There was a box of hair accessories from Mom, nuts from David and Evie, a small wolf blanket from Carol and Steven, and this really cool clock from Ray and Nora that I wanted to get myself but forgot about. At each hour is a picture of a different bird that chirps its sounds at the hour. The great horned owl is at the twelfth hour, for example, and the song sparrow is at the eighth hour. This is much better than having a live bird here in the house! That Tweety bird was way too obnoxious! It has a light sensor too, so that the birds won’t chirp if you have it in the bedroom or something like that.

The blanket will be good for Tom to use next time we sleep together. That way, if he pulls the covers I shouldn’t feel it.

The hair accessories consist of a few different sizes of claw clips and some cloth-covered hair elastics.

Mom’s still hanging in there, but who knows when she’ll be able to go home? It’ll probably be a few weeks.

Tammy called to say in a message to us that she had a wonderful Christmas party with Mark and Stephanie. That’s Mark’s 18-year-old daughter.

Andy called too, leaving a message about how he went to Donna’s and got some unexpected gifts. As usual, so into himself, too. Not a word about Mom. Not an “I’m sorry to hear about Tom’s mom,” or a “How is she doing now?”

Later...

The Baltimore oriole went off at 10:00, and at midnight, off goes the owl.

Any sec now I should have my spot that I get a week before my period. I felt pre-cramps, I think. My tits are also doing well this month as far as soreness goes.

I didn’t like the book Ghost Story but began A Cry in the Woods last night and got 115 pages into it.

Tom told me the renters are really weird. They talk on their cordless phone while standing in the driveway. People out here tend to hang out in their front yards, but yup, that’s a weird one. If you’re gonna talk on the phone outside, why not sit in a chair on your patio or porch? Why stand in the middle of your driveway?

Also, at 1:15 last night, for about 20 minutes, some people were out partying. I couldn’t fucking believe it! I know this is Arizona, but this wasn’t 1 PM on a winter’s day or 9 PM on a summer’s night. This was in the middle of a freezing December night! All I heard were voices laughing and talking, but the weird thing about it was that I couldn’t see anyone. I thought it could be one of the houses across the street, but I never saw any movement or people.

Saturday, December 26, 1998

 

This is the current eating plan - to not worry about what I eat from now till I get up the next time I get up. When I get up, though, I’ll have basically liquids till Monday to compensate for these Christmas treats I’ve been having. Then, every day I’ll have my chicken TV dinner and chicken soup. Every other day I’ll have bean soup and popcorn. I’ll also have unlimited amounts of chicken broth, Jell-O, and things like that.

I have no desire to be a doll sculptor and could never imagine myself being able to be in a million years. I mean, it’s hard enough to draw faces on paper, so I don’t know how the hell I could ever shape one out of clay. What I do want to be is a doll maker who assembles the dolls and picks out their clothes, different faces, hair colors/styles, and things like that. I want to buy doll parts to make dolls for myself, as well as to sell them. So after we move, and after I’m in a place where there’s more room, I’m gonna start with getting a doll kit, which costs around the same price as a doll. Then, I’ll buy bulk quantities and see about selling them. The store in the mall may be willing to sell people’s dolls.

I guess we’re going on Tuesday to get another T-tube for the rats and to get Angel if she’s still there. Tom’s sure she is there. I hope so!

Later...

It looks like the little freeloaders are to be returning tonight, cuz someone turned the front light on. There’s no car over there now, but I take it Bill came over to turn the light on for the bitch and that the bitch will be here any moment since the inside of the house looks too dark for anyone to be in there unless they came in before I got up and crashed very early. I was hoping they’d stay away through the New Year. Now, who knows how rowdy things will be over there for New Year’s Eve, although they’ve never been here during a New Year’s Eve yet.

Sunday, December 27, 1998

 

The light’s still on, but it’s still dark inside the house and I haven’t heard or seen any cars. Maybe Bill came over to check things out and thought the light should be on for security measures.

Woke up at 110 pounds, and to a message from Paula. Yeah, she loves playing phone tag!

What a nail disaster I had yesterday! I tried to put the second set of nails on, but my nails are just too little. I had to do so much filing to try to get the nails to fit, that they just wouldn’t glue on right. The fucked up surface of my nails didn’t help either. They’re like sandpaper. I have to resurface my nails and get a new set, but I can only use one set in each package. Even the smallest nails have to be filed like hell to get them to fit.

I love my new game from Mary and Dave. It’s like a tiles game and it has lots of colorful tiles that are really pretty.

Later...

No freeloaders. At least not from what I can see. The light’s still on, so unless Miss Bitch came back before I got up and crashed before she could turn the light off, and is still out cold, Bill or some other associate of hers came over and left the light on on their way out.

I forgot to mention that it was Mom who got Tom the joystick. Mary and Dave got him a T-shirt. That seems to be a tradition here; getting Tom T-shirts when he doesn’t need them, cuz he has a ton of them.

Got some wine coolers for New Year’s Eve.

Later...

We went to have our weekend sex, but he was too stressed out over his mother. Couldn’t stay hard very well and couldn’t get on top. Yeah, old Marjorie’s interfering with our lives again and holding things up around here. God, I hope my vibe of her dying just after her 77th birthday is wrong. I’m like God, take this woman off our hands now! Nonetheless, things are continuing to go as vibed. Don’t get me wrong. She’s ill, she’s in pain, she’s out of her mind half the time. Tom says she asks if there are rabbits in the pail in the hall hospital, falls asleep during sentences, and forgets people’s names. Anyway, she may be in pain and she may be out of it, but she’ll be alive for a while yet. Thank God, for the millionth time, she’s not alone in her own house. That’d hog up more time that Tom doesn’t even have. God’s always had magnificent timing when it comes to having things happen in my life, be it to myself or to those I know, so why doesn’t he take her now? Now seems like an ideal time so we can get on with our lives and out of this house. I mean, doesn’t he want us to move on? We’re in our 30s and 40s, so I’d think he’d want us to live our lives and do the things we need/want to do.

Isn’t it funny how he doesn’t like Kim, who he claims woke him up while he slept through a million times more noise right next door, yet he goes to see his mother who took us for about $4,000 and God only knows how many hours of time.

Currently, our plan is to go to the doll store on Tuesday, but why do I have a feeling that good old Marjorie’s gonna change that?

There are no freeloaders next door. I didn’t hear the Sunday morning door slamming. I’ve heard nothing, and there’s no way the house would be dark from as early as 9 PM on a Saturday night all night, and there’s no way I wouldn’t have heard door-slamming last night and this morning if there was someone there.

I called Paula who told me she’d call me back, which really means she’ll call me back in a few days or even a few weeks. I don’t know why she’s so obsessed with playing phone tag, but it’s very obvious that this is the case.

Monday, December 28, 1998

 

Still no freeloaders, and still got the front light on.

I had a dream that they moved next door and I got to see the inside of their house, which looked nothing like it would in reality. It was a 2-story 4-bedroom house. In the dream, Miss Bitch had two daughters and a son. The house was furnished when I looked in it and I assumed that the state furnished the house for them. All they took was their stuff, but not all of it. They even left a few dolls behind, but they were ugly.

I also dreamt that the house out back that’s behind the old man’s house added a second floor to it.

I hope this dream isn’t a dream premonition and that the freeloaders stay put. Dreaming about Measles coming back didn’t happen, so that’s hopeful. The sad part of that, though, is that I really believe Measles is dead. Why else would she stay away for so long? She loved me and she knew I loved her. She knew she was my favorite bird.

I did some singing earlier. Just like old times, too. The singing was fine. It’s the congestion that got in the way. God’s just so determined not to let me fully use/enjoy my voice! Just think, I still couldn’t be a professional singer, even if I could keep a schedule, for the same reasons I couldn’t when I smoked. I’m just too damn congested. Tom says it’s Phoenix’s pollution, but what are we gonna do when the pollution catches up to where we’re moving to? Not only will we be hearing car stereos in Texas in another 10-20 years, but there won’t be any clean air left!

My weight’s right back to where it was before the torture I had on the 14th. I’m about 112 pounds, and I took a water pill, but I don’t know if it’ll help much.

To my surprise, I didn’t have tons of Evie messages yesterday or today.

Jackie and Jim gave us a little wooden wall hanging with a cactus, a roadrunner, and a mountain carved in it. I colored it in. So much for no one giving Christmas presents this year! It seems everyone did, but us. All we did was give Ma an electric stapler.

Speaking of Mom, she’s now in a care center just outside of the hospital. She’ll be there till she can gain enough mobility to go back home. Then when she does go back home, she’ll probably need hired help. Someone to sit with her while Mary and Dave are working during the daytime. Dave only stops in for lunch.

I asked Tom why he felt he had to be with Mom every day when that’s what the doctors and nurses are for. He said it’s because she was there for him when he was sick (he had meningitis as a kid). Well, that’s all well and good, but he was a child and that was her job to be with him. Meanwhile, she’s all grown up now and he’s not obligated to her like he seems to think he is. Well, at least he won’t be dumb enough to give her another four G’s, and as for time, she’s only got a year and a half of that left anyway, and I don’t need him with me as much as I needed him before. Now that my sex drive’s about as low as his and now that I don’t want a child, it makes it easier to deal with. I entertain myself very well with my hobbies. As he told me, though, he’s there for me if I need him. I know that. I know I’ll see him every day.

Paula left two messages after I crashed.

Tuesday, December 29, 1998

 

Yesterday’s visit to Mel’s was no joyride. It hurt like hell when she went to tighten the bands and she even had to get the doctor’s help on one particular tooth.

She said I needed to brush better, which is hard with the braces on, and gave me a special little toothbrush designed to pick in between the braces.

She also still had my card and my card only! Didn’t she get other cards? It was sitting in the same spot by a picture of her dog. It was a white dog of some kind that’s kind of large.

Anyway, I’m a little sore now, but before I see her the next time around, I’m gonna take a ton of ibuprofen. At least I don’t have to see her again till February 1st.

Woke up at 109 pounds.

Tom brought home some leftover treats from work and about 5 more Christmas cards he got from coworkers. He also bought me a couple of puzzles at the grocery store. One’s a scene of the Virgin Islands with palm trees, and the other’s a dog and cat.

I realized something not too good and I hope this will never be the case, but if we put the house up for sale in March - what if it takes 8 months to a year to sell? God, I hope not!

I felt some pre-cramps a little while ago. See? I knew having clogged tubes was too “normal,” on top of all the reasons a kid is not meant to be. Because that is the problem for most women, and because the dye usually fixes that, I knew that wasn’t my case. If it’s common, it’s not me. I knew my problem went much deeper and I knew my uterus had something to do with it. Not my tubes. Tom says he got off cuz he had nothing to fear, but I wonder - could the test have only reassured him that there’s nothing to fear?

Well, the point is the same as it’s always been - whether I like it or not, I’m sterile for life. I was born this way. I’ll die this way.

Later...

I talked to Tammy at 8 AM her time. The girls are coming back today. Meanwhile, she’s been having a blast with Mark, and the T-shirts arrived there, too. She’s still having problems with Lisa. Lisa’s being rebellious, she says, and is lying and basically being lazy when it comes to chores. She also said Sarah said something about being afraid of Bill’s temper while in Florida but didn’t get into it. She said she doesn’t think he got physical with the girls, but he’s his usual angry self who’s hurting all three of the girls emotionally. It can hurt a kid when you tell them they’ll amount to no good, or something like that, just as much as if you’d hit that kid. Yes, verbal and emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. So Tammy says she’s gonna look into getting his rights severed, and I hope to hell I’m wrong, but I say she’ll never succeed. The courts are too biology-obsessed. I asked her how she felt about beating the shit out of Bill or killing him and having it look like an accident and she said it wouldn’t do her any good and that two wrongs don’t make a right. Yeah, I know what she’s saying, but still, sometimes you’ve got to resort to violent measures in order to get someone off your ass and scared into doing right.

Speaking of doing right, it hurts and angers me to hear what she has to go through and I don’t need it any more than they do, so once again, should I walk away when we move?

Got a backache now. Another PMS symptom. I’m looking forward to getting my period, but I don’t actually sit and pray for it, cuz you don’t need to pray for what’s already a done deal. If something’s meant to be, it’s gonna be, and you don’t need to pray for it.

Wednesday, December 30, 1998

 

The freeloader’s front light is out. Did they come back? Or did it burn out? Hope it just burned out.

Now I’m ready to do some bitching. Here we go again with the mom and Mary tasks. Ma went home yesterday and today Tom’s gotta put up handrails cuz Mary’s stupid, lazy husband won’t do it himself. Thursday, I’m gonna go over and sit with Ma while Tom works on Mary’s computer for her. These people can’t do their own work, I swear! You gotta do everything for them. Tom calls Dave inexperienced, but I think lazy and stupid is more like it. It’s his house, his wall, so he should be putting up his own fucking handrails. And it’s his computer, so he should be the one fixing it. Mary and Dave together should take care of their own house and their own things. Tom says Mary will pay him fairly, and that we can get on with fixing our own house after this, but I don’t know. They always seem to need just one more thing. There’s always something they just have to use Tom for cuz they’re either too fucking stupid or too fucking lazy to do it themselves. And if they don’t know how, why don’t they get off their asses and learn? And of course, David and Evie don’t hardly help out cuz they don’t have the life in which to do it, and Ray, Nora, and all the others are too fucking stupid and lazy to care. Like I said, the abusers are on my side of the family, and the lazy, stupid, users are on his side.

Later...

The dogs decided to go off, so I decided to really give them a reason to and I screamed. They continued barking for five more minutes. And of course, the owners slept right through it and didn’t come out to calm the dogs down and check things out. The only people around here who may not be able to sleep through anything like the freeloaders, the collie owners, and everyone else, might be the people behind us. They’re up all night anyway. I don’t know if someone there has a weak bladder or what, but that bathroom light goes on constantly throughout the night. Like once every hour or two.

Anyway, what is it with these dogs going off at the slightest sound? I know how close I am to them and how sensitive their hearing is, but last winter was totally different than this winter. Last winter, there were a few nights where I tried to get the dogs to go off given the one-in-a-million chance they may have woken the freeloaders up, but they wouldn’t. I slammed chairs around, I banged things against the house, but they wouldn’t go off. This winter, they go off at the screen door opening. And it’s so quiet too. Just a little rustling sound. It doesn’t squeak or anything like that. Even the daytime’s worse this year. There are some days when they wait longer than ten minutes in between barking sprees, but not very often. They have been quieter since the freeloaders have been out of town, and I realize, that Bill and Mistake being home would stir them up more. Assuming the mistake hangs out in its bedroom half the time, that’s just an arm’s reach from the dogs, so I’m sure they hear her bopping around and go off over that. The slightest thing sets these dogs off. I never heard anything like it or as bad. Only trained guard dogs are this bad.

I don’t usually like to talk in round-about ways, but in my message to Andy a few days ago, I mentioned how he didn’t question or comment about Mom, so “just in case” he didn’t get the message with the scoop on her, I’ll go through it again. In other words - don’t be so into yourself and seemingly non-caring. Be polite. Ask how she’s doing. I haven’t heard from him since, and I realize it may be because he’s a little embarrassed. I left him a message tonight and all I said was that I hoped things were well with him, and that I wanted him to visit sometime soon so he could see the new stuff I got, which I told him about. As I told him, I don’t know what’s up with him lately. Is he clean? Is he working? Would it be best to get together at night or during the day? Of course, whenever he comes over, he’ll be a stoned ditz and it’ll be just like I was talking to the wall. He won’t remember shit about our visit. And asking him to come over sober won’t do me a damn bit of good. Yes, Andy is always a true friend, isn’t he?

Later...

OK, on with the good news. I doubled my rat collection and got that Angel doll I wanted!

First we went to a pet store to get another T-tube to make it easier for them to go between the middle two floors. Now they have two pink T’s, a purple curved, and a yellow straight tube. Since they’re too lazy to climb the straight tube, it’s just lying on its side in the cage.

Tom told the guy there that the wheels were missing from the cage we got, and he opened a cage box and gave us the wheels from it. That was easy enough.

Then I got Porky and Cutie. Porky’s solid dark brown, except for the white on his paws and belly, and Cutie’s all light tan. All four rats get along very well.

I also got some more sawdust and noticed that they make bigger balls. Those plastic balls that the hamster and gerbil used to run around in. Maybe someday I’ll get one for the rats.

Then we went to the doll store. They were having a sidewalk sale which seemed to be no big deal. They were plastic dolls for $40. But that’s what they usually sell for. Anyway, the guy there gave me a brand-new Angel doll right out of the box she’s shipped in. As usual, there’s a slight problem, but not nearly a big enough one worth taking her back. Well, it seems I have a problem with arms these days. First the lollipop doll had her arm out of position, and it seems Angel’s is bent a bit too far back, but I can live with it. One arm hangs straight down by her side. The other’s up and has her palm upright and opened by her face, which is turned to the side, as she holds the purple heart-shaped gemstone she came with that says the word “wish” on it. They did a good job on her hands. They’re more real-like compared to Edie’s and Anne’s, whose hands almost look like clubs.

She’s really gorgeous as far as her face, hair, and clothes go. Usually, it’s hard to get all three. Usually, if the face is nice, the hair’s pitiful, and if the outfit’s nice, the face sucks. She has blue eyes and dark blond hair like Rapunzel’s and Summer Dream’s. It’s between wavy and curly. I straightened it out a bit and it falls a little below her ass. She’s 14” tall and is on a thick, solid stand. This stand, like Summer Dream’s, grabs her at the crotch. Patrice’s stand grabs her at the thigh, Bailey sits, and the others are held by the waist.

They did a good job of making her hair look like it’s attached to her head, and not sitting on a bald head. There are two little braids at the sides that go to the back of her head and are tied with a purple ribbon. For someone who doesn’t like overly detailed things, her detail is exquisite. A halo sits on her head, going across her forehead. I had started off by having her hold this, instead of the gem, cuz I couldn’t get it to stay in her hand at first. It’s a really pretty halo of purple and gold with little pearls wrapped around it. She has a similar necklace on, too. I may make her an ankle bracelet later.

I chose not to attach her wings, which are white and gold and have the same sequins and pearls that her dress has. They’re sitting elsewhere in the living room. Her dress is lavender satin and chiffon. Three layers altogether. It’s off the shoulders, tied at the waist, and shorter in the front. It comes up almost to the knees in front and is to the table she’s on in back. She has purple silk pantaloons on, too. Does any doll come without pantaloons? The only one I’ve got without them is Patrice, although I can’t say for sure what’s under Bailey’s sleeper.

She’s very realistic looking, like Summer Dream and Patrice. Compared to Edie and Anne, she makes Edie and Anne look like geeks! She’s sitting by my monitor.

I never really believed in angels and being able to make wishes to a doll that’ll come true. I asked Tom if he believed in angel dolls granting wishes. He said he doesn’t believe, but he doesn’t disbelieve either, so I decided I’d put her to the test. I wished upon her that we’ll get to move before June. Tom said as long as he has me, he doesn’t need anything else and that anything else he gets is a bonus. I feel that way too, but it couldn’t hurt to test her out, even if I think it’s bullshit.

Later...

I guess Tom was right - Angel’s hand isn’t too far back. He said it looked like the model that was displayed in the store. I just went online and looked at the picture of her they had, and it looks the same.

I made her an ankle bracelet which really looks good.

I had made Bailey a necklace to cover up where her head and neck join but didn’t like how it looked. That’s only because the only halfway decent color I could find was clear neon orange. If it had been light blue or pale pink, then maybe it’d look OK.

Later...

Earlier I had Velvet out. Just now, I cleaned the rat’s cage, fed them, and gave them some attention.

The pet store had a much better selection this time around. The last time, all they really had was a couple of ugly chinchillas and white mice that were used for snake feed. This time, they had medium, large, and jumbo rats. These are large rats, although Mickey might be a medium rat.

If the light bulb on the freeloader’s front porch did burn out like I think it did, I hope they don’t get it in mind to replace the security light bulb too, when they hit the porch one. I do not want that thing glaring on and off at night when I’m trying to relax to music.

Thursday, December 31, 1998

 

Tom thinks the freeloaders will come back Sunday or Monday morning. That’d be nice, but with my luck, they’ll be back tomorrow or Saturday. More likely Saturday.

The red pickup was next door for about a half-hour yesterday. This time, they parked in the driveway. I couldn’t see what they were doing. I don’t know if they went inside the house, and if they were here just to check out the house, as Tom suggested, why did it take a half-hour? I couldn’t see the driver, but I caught a glimpse of the woman as she was getting into the passenger side of the truck, which was easiest to see from where I stood. She had shoulder-length blond hair. Their driveway is to the left of our house, so when I spy from the living room window, the passenger side is closest to me. At least these people came and went normally. They shut their doors coming and going once and in a normal manner. They didn’t slam the fuck out of them over and over and over and over.

I forgot to say that Angel was 20% off, so we got her for $99 and not $109.

I asked Tom why I had irritation in my mouth all over again on the bottom. Just when my mouth toughened up to the braces, I was irritated all over again. He says it’s cuz she tightened the braces and that I may get that after a tightening. I don’t with the top, but that’s cuz she’s not tightening a whole row of teeth up there. Not yet. Anyway. Not till it’s almost time for the top braces to come off. Guess I still have 3-4 more months with the top braces.

I sent Marla an IM when I saw her online. She’s trying to go to Massachusetts but keeps getting delayed due to fog. Guess she won’t make it out till the 1st or 2nd. She said she spoke to Andy, but I still haven’t heard from him. I left him a message yesterday telling him I’d like us to get together sometime soon, so he’ll call when he calls, I guess. He must be really busy, thank God, to not get back to me right away. Either that or he’s waiting for the weekend since he didn’t call me last weekend. I have noticed the pattern here lately. It seems he’s calling every other weekend. At least he’s doing what I asked of him half the time. What is it with people having such a hard time doing little things? If you can’t do a simple little thing like not calling on weekends, reaching out, and turning the volume knob of your stereo, then how could you handle big things?

Later...

All the rats were waiting anxiously for me when I got up. They came up and grabbed their cheese. The mice also looked for me when I got up, as they usually, do and the pig went off for his carrot or lettuce. Whatever I feel like giving him.

We’re not going to Ma’s today, as planned. Tom didn’t put up the rails yesterday cuz Ma had a lot of visitors.

Later...

There’s a chance the freeloaders could make a scene on MLK Day. They did for the two they were here for in ‘97 and ‘98, so we’ll see how they handle freeloader year in ‘99. However, last year was different. They were pissed at me cuz of the bottle and letter and I hadn’t gone to the city yet for help, so that’s why they harassed me with a dozen kids playing ball for 3 hours. This year, things are different, so maybe MLK Day will be, too.

[obeiii-mee]

Hello! Can I request an hc about a shady MC who's not phase by anything in Devildom with the brothers (and Diavolo?? he deserves love!!!)? Like, when Luci's like "i CaN KiLL yOu hUmAN", MC's reaction was like "Oh... congratulations then." i need more shady mc who may or may not be planning to ruin your life😂😂 Thanks and take care!!❤❤

The Brothers + Diavolo with an MC that is not phased by DevilDom

__________________________________

Pls I need more shady MC, they would not take any shit from the brothers. Put any Gen Z-er with these guys and you’ve got yourself a suicidal and reckless human exchange student.

They wouldn’t know what to do with one of those ahaksbakanhaka you’re right, Diavolo deserves all the love >:(((((((

You better take care too >:( thanks for sending me this big brain request. I’ve been preoccupied with other projects so I took a while to get to this ask. Hope you’re doing OK💙

____________________________________

Lucifer:

-He thought having a human exchange student was going to be bad enough as it is but this…..this was so much worse than he could have ever imagined

-The moment you arrived, he already knew you were going to be a problem child and a persistent one at that

-Literally the first thing you asked him was : “Why do you look like an off-brand Levi Ackerman?”

-And he was left there, astounded, confused and offended because he had no idea who you were talking about (cuz at that point you hadn’t met the third eldest) and the tone you had was, frankly, pissing him off

-You kept wondering off on your own????? Without looking like you gave a shit even though you almost walked into a butcher’s shop that specialises in human meat???? Tf MC?

-Also really irritated that you couldn’t be intimidated and that DevilDom was like a playground to you, for some reason? Like, MC get out of the fiery pits of eternally tormented souls- this is Hell, not the McDonald’s ball pit ffs

-Things did not improve for him lmao, by the end of the first week he had already ripped out a good chunk of his hair because of you

-“MC, you should know by now provoking demons like this for no good reason is only going to make life harder for you. Keep this up and you’ll get killed in no time because of your behaviour.”

-“Great, can we have a hip-hip and a hurray?”

-In the span of one day, he’s had to come to your rescue six times (approximately) because you’re too nonchalant about your surroundings around literal creatures of hell

-He doesn’t have enough coffee or will to live for this bs

-“Lucifer, I found this dead plant and brought it here because it reminded me of you.”

-“…..sigh. Why? Why does it remind you of me?”

-“Because it’s cold and unresponsive.”

-He made the consecutive decision to ignore you

-(low-key kept the plant tho)

-Honestly, you get on his nerves a lot and he has definitely contemplated killing you in the past but at the end of the day he really can’t bring himself to do it

-We both know he tried a few times lmfao

-“I will tear you limb from limb, human-“

-“Can I finish my tea first.”

-“You…wait, what?”

-“You’re crazy if you think I’m letting this tea get cold. Try to kill time before I’m done and I’ll smash this cup against your head.”

-If you try hard enough, you might even elicit a laugh out of him, especially if your shadiness is directed at any of his brother which results in him patting your head affectionately

-Nowadays he’s just concerned because you seemed to have made an alliance of sorts with Belphagour and Satan and that’s not a good sign

-For his sake, if not yours, at least try to survive the year without getting chomped on by a random demon please

-He’s too stubborn to let you die just because you’re unbothered by everything so cut him some slack and help out damn it

Mammon:

-“Oi Lucifer, how come I’m stuck babysittin’ this stupid human?”

-“And how come I’m stuck with this asshole for a tour guide, with his fake ass designer shoes and no brand sunglasses. That’s a lot of smack talk from someone with crow shit stains covering the back of his jacket. Also, did you stick your hair in a bucket of mayonnaise?”

-……..

-He was so offended lol

-Normally, humans like you cower in fear whenever demons are as much as mentioned because of the whole “I can eat you whole” thing

-And here you are; insulting the Avatar of Greed and one of the princes of Hell himself just because you didn’t like his attitude

-Don’t worry tho, he warms up to you in less than a fucking month simply because you still come to his rescue whenever his brothers start insulting him and wow, look at that, his heart is now combusting on the floor

-“Y’all have no right to criticise Mammon when he has the most self control out of all of you.”

-“Since when does Mammon have any self control? He can’t keep himself from nicking anything that looks shiny.”

-“Motherfucker, I don’t see him trying to choke me to death, respectfully pls shut the fuck up. I don’t want to say I have favourites but if I do, it’s definitely him.”

-While Mammon’s in the background, with hearts instead of pupils in his eyes like ❤️👄❤️

-He doesn’t even mind running around after you anymore (will still complain about it though because your ass is in constant danger and he’s had enough)

-Honestly, you keep starting shit with random demons, some of which are quite powerful mind you, and you don’t back down even when he’s there to step in

-Would low key love to watch you fight one of your classmates at RAD and organise a ticket selling booth for the event but Lucifer will hang him a new one if he does

-So for now, he sticks to baring his teeth at the aggravator in question and you’re there, giving the same demon the middle finger

-The way you sometimes match his energy gets him so hyped up lmao

-“Mammon, did you steal Levi’s money again?”

-“T’s none of her business human. Now go away, shoo!”

-“Bitch, don’t ‘shoo’ me, I ain’t a bird. Now tell me, did you?”

-“…..Why do you ask?”

-“Because a new flavour of instant noodles just got announced, called ‘Super Hell-Sauce Flavour’ and I thought you might be more interested in that than wasting the money on gambling.”

-“….ok but only if you come with me to buy some.”

-This…this is true love right here

Levi:

-Oh no, now there’s two of you

-Why do I feel like his energy would match MC’s almost immediately? Maybe it’s because he spends too much time in his room on the internet like the rest of us do

-“What do you want, you stupid normie?”

-“300…..”

-“….300 what?”

-“300 mangas collected, thousands of episodes of anime watched, over 60 character figurines, plushies, body pillows, merchandise and several posters only to be called a fucking normie by a demon weeb that’s only known me for 10 minutes.”

-Boom, instant friendship

-He becomes attached to you almost immediately and now that he knows how unphased you are by DevilDom, he is seriously worried

-Hell, you’re making him consider going outside his room just to make sure you’re alive and not dead in a ditch somewhere because you decided to get on someone’s nerves that particular day

-Even during the quiz thing, when he almost kills you, you’re just sitting on the floor and awkwardly watching him as he throws a sissy fit

-Levi feels sort of conflicted with you because one one hand you’re good company and he loves having you around, you’re his Henry after all

-But on the other hand, you put yourself in so much danger it makes him paranoid so often to the point where he wants to keep you locked in his room and wrapped in bubble wrap

-Nearly had a heart attack when you almost walked right into a pit of lava like MC???? This isn’t one of his video games???? You’re not gonna respawn if you die????

-Besides all that, he gets a bit jealous of you confidence and your ability to just do whatever without fearing death or consequence

-“MC, how do you do it?”

-“Do what?”

-“How do you go about your life without a care in the world?”

-“I guess I’ll tell you my secret Levi. I’m not like other humans that’s why, I’m just so unique I do things differently.”

-“You sound like a pick me-“

-As long as you’re OK and not injured because of your carelessness, he’s indifferent about your behaviour and will even applaud you for your bravery when it comes to this sort of thing

-“lmao the human exchange student just dumped Solomon’s cooking in the trash while looking him dead in the eye 💀💀💀”

Satan:

-Your attitude towards DevilDom and demons in general kept him entertained, if nothing else

-You rarely seemed to consider how much of a threat that place really is and usually you were just running around, completely ignoring Lucifer’s rules and doing your own thing

-Which, you know, he’s all about

-I can’t say there were no incidents between the two of you

-With his short temper and your tendency to say things without caring about the consequences, there were definitely moments when he might’ve snapped on you

-“MC for goodness sake, what happened to my room?”

-“What do you mean?”

-“It’s an absolute mess! I just told you to bring me my spells and curses book, not mow through everything!”

-“It’s not my fault this place is built like a fucking labyrinth. You should be grateful I went to get it for you at all, I almost tripped and died several times on my way back. Also, you should get a new ladder for your shelves. It did the broken.”

-“MC….”

-“Yes?”

-“You are so lucky I love you.”

-Other than the fact his anger takes over him when things like these happen, he not so subtly encourages you to keep going because seeing Lucifer scowl at your antics gets him wheezing his lungs out

-I like to think Satan would be very impressed, even in the beginning, at the amount of nonchalance you can radiate at times

-I mean, you sure as hell don’t see it often and he loves how unpredictable you are more often than not

-If anything, he should probably thank you-idk how, but his patience has increased significantly every since you got here and he appreciates having some more control of his emotions

-“I’m gonna go put oil in Lucifer’s shoes.”

-“Do you have a death wish?”

-“Satan, I am old enough to make my own decisions and I concluded that this action is necessary.”

-“Necessary for what?”

-“Raising everyone’s morale! All of you seemed to feel down lately so I thought this would be fun for everybody!”

-“Except Lucifer, right?”

-“Except Lucifer. He grounded me from my D.D.D like I’m a fucking teenager who needs to be supervised-pssshht, I’m the most responsible one here.”

-“Yes clearly.”

-“Goodbye dear Satan, I may die today. But it’s for the greater good! (Dramatic exit with sound effects)”

-“WAIT MC!”

-“(pops head back in) yes?”

-“May I offer you my assistance?”

-You’re basically taking turns pranking his brothers and it’s hilarious

-Satan is not too worried about your well being simply because he knows his siblings and him are always going to be nearby to save you if you pull something stupid again

-Even so, he checks up on you throughout the day; just to make sure

-“Where were you?”

-“Running from a bunch of demons. Who wanted to go munchy crunchy on me, I assume.”

-“……”

-“Either that or people here are a lot friendlier than originally expected.”

-You can be such a handful and it really tests him, especially when he’s angry enough to begin with

-But despite your amazing talent at either getting completely lost around Hell, purposely walking into a prohibited place just because you felt like it or riling up others with how blunt you are, he still cares about you deeply

-You may be a pain the ass, but you’re his pain in the ass <3

Asmo:

-He should’ve known something was up with this particular human when you stood there, completely calm and collected, while Beel salivated at the thought of eating you on your first day

-Asmo just brushed it off for a while but it kept happening???

-The first time Lucifer ever told you off, you really went and said “Or what? Are you going to eat me? If so, you can go ahead and start with-“

-He came to your rescue and covered your mouth before you got to finish and before Lucifer unleashed his wrath on to everyone in that house

-“OOPSIE! I think MC has been spending too much time with me. Sorry Lucifer, we gotta run now! We have a party to attend, don’t we MC darling?”

-“You mean the one hosted by the guy that tried to kill me because I shoved into him on the hallway at school and then proceeded to tell him to go fuck himself right back into whatever hell hole he was born in before you came and charmed our way out of it?”

-“Yes.”

-“Ah OK. “

-You’re tiring for sure but you’re not exactly unlikeable

-You have a certain charm hanging about you that Asmo loves

-“I almost died like…30 minutes ago.”

-“WAIT WHAT?? WHY?? WHAT HAPPENED-MC ARE YOU OK???”

-“Yeah, I almost drank some poison today because someone told me it was water. It smelt off though so I didn’t.”

-“….”

-“Anyway, I got you this bracelet on my way home.”

-He really does wish you would take things a bit more seriously

-This is your life on the line, you know? What would he do if you died?

-“MC, you’re not immortal, you can die so much more easily than I can, you know that right???”

-“I don’t care.”

-“Well I do! And you should too….”

-A lot of people don’t see past his vanity tbh, because he can be such a caring person towards the people he loves

-The amount of videos he has of you appearing to be completely calm while pure chaos is descending in the background is pretty impressive

-Every time he uses his charm on you to try and get you to commit his sin, it just doesn’t work???? For some reason???? And even if it’s just with simple, innocent affection for now, he is determined to tempt you into it

-“MC~gimme a hug!”

-“But that’s social interaction and I don’t support it- do you have a charger for my D.D.D by any chance?

-Or at least die trying to ig

-Asmo loves having you around but you’re giving him wrinkles and that’s not okay >:(

Beel:

-The moment he realised how carefree you actually were, he sort of started checking up with you quite frequently throughout the day

-It’s his way of protecting you but if he could, he would follow you around all the time

-Becomes your body guard because you may not care enough about your safety but he certainly does so get ready to be carried everywhere

-You will not get hurt nor will anyone mess with you if he has a say in it and let me tell you, he does

-Thing is, his brothers mostly know him for being slightly dense in some aspects of day to day life

-He’s not perceptive of things that don’t involve food or his loved ones

-And because you most definitely are a loved one of his, he does notice how careless you are really often

-And it scares, rather worries, him because DevilDom is an incredibly dangerous place-even with all the precautions they had taken when you came

-“MC get down, you could fall.”

-“But Beel, look-I’m finally taller than everyone else! Taller than you even! Hey, should I do a backflip?”

-He has no idea why you thought jumping from 60 meter high cliff into a small river of squashed demon blood was a good idea but he wasn’t going to risk anything just because you felt like showing off your diving skills

-Proceeds to carry you away, completely unfazed

-In this case, I feel like Beel is not someone who gets bothered by the horrible things happening around there either

-As long as he has food and his family is safe and happy then he’s also happy, as mentioned above

-But he knows he’s alright with DevilDom because he’s been living here for centuries now

-A bit curious as to why you’re so unbothered

-And even more curious as to why you weren’t terrified of him transforming in his demon form after he lost control when he found out you ate his pudding

-Or more like Mammon did and pushed the blame on you

-“YOU. ATE. MY. PUDDING!”

-“Beel I love you but if you did not just see Mammon shoving the damn container in my mouth two seconds prior to this, then you might need glasses.”

-He apologised to you later for it but even so, you didn’t seem to mind like at all and he didn’t really understand why

-Unless you end up explaining why exactly you feel so indifferent about your life being in potential danger, he won’t really pry

-But now he has even more reason to follow you around like a lost puppy

-Since it’s clear you don’t really care about protecting yourself

-So now it’s his job to do it

-MC protection squad? Mostly Beel and Mammon

-ahhh he cute

Belphie:

-Oh

-You piss him off so much

-He’s trying to have his moment, you know?

-Finally getting that glimmer of satisfaction after killing a human as a way to avenge his sister’s death

-Trying his hardest to make it as miserable as possible because he has so much rage in him, he needs you to suffer

-“Harder Daddy-“

-“Oh fuck off.”

-Nah but for real, what the fuck MC

-Why does he even bother, he feels like he should be sleeping instead of dealing with your bullshit

-Even afterwards, when your future self shows up and he tries to kill you again, you look more thoughtful than irritated???

-Lucifer and Beel are literally holding him back from doing another Chocky on you and you’re standing there, looking at him with your eyebrows raised

-“Hey Belphie, I have a quick question. I know you’re trying to kill me and everything but do you like the colour blue?”

-“HUH??!?!”

-“It’s a simple yes or no question Belphie. Do. You. Like. Blue?”

-“WHAT DOES IT MATTER???!!!”

-“BELPHAGOUR, AVATAR OF SLOTH-YES OR NO, JUST FUCKING ANSWER!”

-“YES! FUCK YOU!”

-“Ah ok thanks. I like blue too :)”

-????????????

-Pls he felt like sticking his foot down your throat

-As of late, he’s kind of glad he didn’t manage to scare you away that day and that he didn’t traumatise you or something

-At the time, he was mad because he didn’t understand why you weren’t scared but now he just wants to make it up to you

-“You didn’t deserve any of that. I’m sorry MC, I won’t blame you if you decide to stay away from me now.”

-“Stfu dipshit, what’s gotten you so depressed? Did you have another fight with Beel? I told you not to eat the last slice of cake.”

-“Rude ass, I was trying to apologise for my past mistakes-let me repent will you?”

-“Said no demon ever. Now let’s go hang out you emo bitch.”

-Y’all vibe together on a spiritual level once that shit gets sorted out

-But he’s kinda scared you might pull out a knife on him ngl

-Obviously, you’re still annoying as fuck with that indifferent attitude of yours but he can live with it

-He appreciates the fact that you’re not scared of him, even after what he’s done

Diavolo:

-Ah yes, the future King of DevilDom himself

-He’s very enthusiastic about the idea of you having fun this year…..and to keep you alive….

-He, of course, expected a range of reactions from you when he first summoned you here

-None of which were “Ok but could you not have given me a heads up? Before the whole teleportation thing? I face-planted your onto marvellously polished the floor and now I think I lost even more brain cells than before.”

-He felt so bad gagajajahahwgehhsb

-He apologised for bringing you out here without any warning like that and then proceeded to introduce you to everyone

-Diavolo is actually kind of relieved to see you’re handling everything pretty well

-He thought that maybe DevilDom was too much for a human to deal with

-Meeting Barbatos also went incredibly smooth

-“Barbatos? The one that cleans the floors right? Big fan of your work, I could eat off the floor of the main hall.”

-He’s so glad to see you getting along with everyone and not getting intimidated by the brothers

-It gets him excited thinking about how the exchange program is gonna work and all three realms will be united

-But he’s not stupid so don’t think he’ll allow you to stumble around, getting up to all sorts of mischief

-He always has someone watching you because he would hate to see you die, despite being pretty fond of your carefree attitude

-“MC, please be careful. Most demons here aren’t all that nice.”

-“Aye aye Captain.”

-He fears that many demons would take your indifference as a challenge and try to assert dominance or something by kidnapping you

-As far as creatures of hell go, they love installing fear in people

-So he always keeps an extra eye open for you

-And he’ll be there to help you if something goes wrong

-But other than that, he’s pretty chill as well and he finds you so hilarious, it’s been a while since he’s seen someone as eccentric and dramatic as Mammon and Asmo

-Idk what else to add here, Diavolo is very accepting and as long as you don’t get hurt, he’s glad you can get used to your new surroundings so easily

———————————-

Al~

[elliotl]

Bulletin Board

(I didnt know what else to call it.)

Fresh bread in the top left chest cuz you don't have a ‘food chest’ Techno! Make one. -Niki

Niki put the bulletin board on the bridge between Techno’s and Phil’s house before she left after the birthday party. Techno didn't remember to do simple things, Phil was always on ‘important chores’ and Ranboo was another story so Niki was left to remind them. Techno didn't see the board, he was too busy writing his will. Techno didn't see the board at all before he left. Phil did and his eyes watered a little every time. Only he knew where techno was gone but the other two left messages for both of them. I saw an injured bear further north. Tell me when you are free to look at him, Techno. ~ Ranboo The cliff I told you about? It’s edge broke off, it's safe now - NIki

Weeks passed and both the younger ones stopped signing their notes as their handwritings were different. Phil used to leave little gifts as a thank you. Coffee beans, enchanted books or just a plain warm scarf. Niki told him he didn't need to do that but Phil needed to fill that void of missing his friend so he did it anyway. He cared as always, just as he mourned, quietly. Phil used to come back from L’manberg to a warm cup of coffee or Ranboo would go to Phil so they could eat together. Ranboo noticed the trace of sadness but didn't push.

“So when is Techno, you know, coming back?” Ranboo asked one day as Phil showed him the L’manhole. The wings beneath the cloak tensed up but Phil smiled at the younger one.

“You know how he is. He will be home soon, don't worry,” Phil patted Ranboo’s shoulder. “You see those mushrooms...” And Phil moved on to the next topic.

………………..

When two warriors come knocking at the door in the middle of the night, people greet them with a sword in hand ready and strike to end their lives. Phil almost does the same till he sees his friend and a young man at his side, teeths chattering in the cold. Phil lunged forward and pulled both of them in a hug with tears in his eyes, overwhelmed and confused.

“How?” Phil’s first word to Techno, while he cupped his cheek.

“Later,” Techno spoke. There was a large half healed gash from his chin to his hairline, his eyes safe. As if someone had carved it. “Please, he needs help.”

And just like that Techno put Dream on the sofa and knelt by his side the whole night as Phil helped. They never talked about how they escaped.

Few months passed and Dream became strong enough to walk on his own. He walked out and saw the bulletin board. Techno was around, feeding steak to the white foxes who played around him and Phil was tending the wheat farm in the glass globe instructing the farmer. Both of them were keeping an eye on Dream. They didn’t want his self confidence to fade if something wrong happened. It was difficult to make him come out on his own.

Dream walked upto the board and brushed his fingers over the notes. Care, love, trust, admiration. All written up there on the pieces of paper. Dream could feel the warmth of the letters scribbled as he touched the notes. The corner of his lips rose as he remembered all of what they had shown towards him. All of the emotions on these papers were ingrained on to his soul by kind actions.

Dream took the small paper piece and with shaky fingers he slowly wrote a note, frowning at his handwriting. He had told this to all of them before but he wanted to feel more belonged. He wanted to be in the family project. Thank you ~Dream

Techno was tense in the background as he watched Dream with the pin, only releasing his breath when the pin went through the paper and into the board.

Dream turned around and Techno almost tripped trying to act casual earning a confused look from both the green men.

“So, to the woods?” Techno asked, swinging his sack on the shoulder. He was going to take Dream for a long walk. Dream nodded and walked down the stairs, his shoulders tense. The rivals took off making light hearted jokes at each other's expense. Dream fell down from time to time but Techno did help him. He just waited for Dream to get up again and then continue. It became a daily thing for Dream to read the notes.

Dream still had trouble remembering things. Even the recent happenings. Where did he put his diary? Where was the feather he got from Philza to make the quill? What was the task he was going to do? Niki’s baking book is nowhere to be found. But he hated when others helped. He wanted to do it himself. Techno one day found Dream crying at their house door about a pup he thought he left in the woods. Techno helped him get up and slowly walk to the dog house where the little one was securely beside his mother. Dream only calmed down when his pup curled up in his lap. Dream and Techno stayed there the whole night.

Techno wrote on the bulletin board for the first time when he found Niki’s book.

Don't lose your things in my house Niki. The book is in the living room ~Techno

So Dream hastily found it and put it in the syndicate room bookshelf. He always did his things right. He always had something written in the notes to help him.

I found a mob head in a chest. Dream was told to make target practice statues. So when he walked out one day after not remembering where he put his warm shoes, he just smiled at Techno who was walking away from the bulletin board trying to act casual.

[twinkleimagines]

*Somebody save me*

summary: y/n is new to the outer banks, being as she’s Barry’s cousin from the city. Her being as familiar in the drug life as Barry, it was almost inevitable for her not to meet the Rafe himself. Little does she know her life was about to become an entire rollercoaster. Was rafe going to drag her down with his own issues and literal manic tendencies, or was she finally going to be the saving this lost boy needed?

CHAPTER ONE

“ this is why I don’t live near the water” You exclaimed as you swatted the swarming gnats and mosquitos away from your face .

“ either here or group home cuz” Barry exclaimed while taking nugs of marijuana out of a zip lock bag, placing them on his scale . “ better get use to it.”

You’d lived in a small home back in Atlanta Georgia with your mom, who was a serious addict and spent more time out on the streets prostituting for drugs than she was at home with her daughter . Because of your moms reckless behavior, you had missed out on a lot of school seeing as she became spending more time selling drugs for a living than actually participating in school. Unfortunately that raised the schools attention to your living situation, inevitably causing your mom to get locked up and You having to chose between moving to the outer banks, or a group home. You only had 2 months left until you would be 18 but until then, Barry’s trailer would be where you resided.

You rolled your eyes before getting up from your chair , walking towards the trailer.

“ where ya goin?” Barry asked turning from his table of weed.

“ I can’t handle these bugs dude” you exclaimed still walking towards the trailer.

“ we’ll if you’re gonna stay here you gon have to put your work in too” he stated before standing up, grabbing 2 bags of white powder. You stepped back in shock.

“ the fuck Barry” you exclaimed shaking your head in disbelief. “ you know I don’t fuck with that shit”. Barry shrugged before reaching back towards you, shaking them at you to grab.

“ no but these bills gotta be paid” he said nodding his head towards the trailer. “ I need you to take this over to someone for me tonight. He’s got a party goin and he’s gonna sell it throughout the night .”

“ why can’t you take it to him then?” You exclaimed crossing your arms.

“ because cuz you’re gonna have to pull your weight round here too” . You scoffed before snatching the 2 bags of coke from Barry’s hand.

“ I don’t even know who this guy is “ you huffed out, putting the two bags in your bra.

“ you’ll know him. His name is Rafe.”

****

As you pulled up to the driveway, yourjaw dropped at the size of the house Barry had you going to. It was massive, and the amount of people crowding the humongous house was massive as well.

“ how the fuck am I suppose to find this guy” you huffed out to yourself before stepping out the car. You had your long wavy hair down, and hooped earrings dangling. You wore on tight high waisted white jeans and a black strapless top as well. As you looked around you could definitely tell this wasn’t your crowd. The girls had massive amounts of make up caked on, booty shorts that their bottoms were practically hanging out of, and they all were definitely shit faced. And they all looked to be trying to get some guys attention.

You walked in looking around , running your hand through your hair stressfully, trying to figure out howyou were suppose to find this Rafe guy.

“ you don’t look like you’re from around here” you heard from behind you. You turned around to find a medium height guy- definitely shit faced might I add- looking you up and down. You scoffed before taking a step back.

“ ‘cause I’m not” you snapped, due to your lack of interest. “ I’m looking for Rafe”. The guy slightly scoffed with an eye roll before pointing to the section behind him.

“ pink shirt” he spat out before brushing past you. You snickered at the fact how some men just cannot handle rejection. Looking over where the guy had just previously directed you, you saw a group of kooks all sitting on the two couches surrounding a coffee table, the guy in the pink shirt , which was assumed to be Rafe, was separating lines of coke on the table. You sighed before making your way to him. You could only see his muscular back and broad shoulders from where you were standing since his back was faced towards you, but none the less he was a kook, which was definitely not your type.

“ Rafe?” You spoke out, only to see the dirty blondes headed boy to look over your shoulder. You swallowed quickly, taken back when you saw those piercing dilated blue eyes gazing into yours. He looked you up and down, presumably confused as to who you were, since you definitely didn’t look the part for a party of kooks. You quickly stood up straight, making sure you looked the tough hood girl as you are before you pulled the two bags of coke out of your back pocket. His eyebrows quickly furrowed together in confusion , wondering why a strange outsider like you was handing him the drugs.

“ Barry” was all you responded before walking off. Barry had told you that there didn’t need to be much conversation between the two of you, that Rafe would already know the deal. Which was fine by you. Rafe honestly took your breath away but looking at the bimbos he had surrounding him, it was clear you weren’t his type anyways. That didn’t matter though. He was beyond rich, and you were from the projects. Definitely no match.

“ hey” you heard someone shout from behind you. You turned around quickly, your long hair wrapping around your shoulders as you did. Oh god . It was Rafe.

“ sorry I didn’t catch your name” he said pointing behind him, indicating your brief in counter a few seconds ago. This time it was your turn to look at him with confusion. Why would he need your name?

“ y/n” you responded looking up at the tall geeked out boy with a slight smile.

“ I uh didn’t mean to be rude I just wasn’t expecting you - I mean the supply this early. “ fumbling with the two bags in his hand. You threw your hands up .

“ ion know that’s just what Barry told me to bring” . You watched Rafes face turn into worry.

“ uhm.. okay yeah alright” he said nervously running his hands through his hair before turning around and walking quickly back into the house. You shook your head in pure confusion before walking back to your car, headed back to the trailer .

****

“ alright ladies and gents , who wants a bump” Rafe said walking back into the common area, plopping down on the couch with the new baggies.

“ you know I do” the blonde girl next to him said scooting closer to him.

“ no more for you till you pay up sweetie” Rafe scoffed. She quickly placed her hand on his inner thigh giggling .

“ I can pay you alright” she spoke out giggling. Rafe laughed shaking his head.

“ already had it. You gotta pay your part this time” he said while using his ID card to separate the lines. She rolled her eyes with embarrassment while the crowd snickered at his comment before pulling her wallet out, handing him a couple of twenties before taking a rolled up dollar, snorting a line.

“ Rafe! My man!” Kelce shouted excitedly before dabbing Rafe up, looking down at the table . “ oh okay this is what I like to see baby” he said rubbing his hands together in excitement . Rafe handed him a rolled up dollar in exchange for some money from Kelce before Kelce leaned down, snorting him a line. “ where’s Topper?” He asked while sitting on the couch next to Rafe. Rafe froze for a second, flash backs to the night Topper got arrested for covering for Sarah and John B running through his head. Rafe hadn’t spoke to Topper since that day, it had became clear he knew the truth or he at least believed Sarah over Rafe.

“ he doesn’t want to come around “ Rafe said. Which was probably the truth. “ yanno Sarah” Rafe said not looking up from the table , watching others around taking more bumps. It was hard for Rafe trying to play things like he normally should. Of course he mourned the death of his sister, more than normal since he internally blamed himself. If he wouldn’t have killed the cop, and framed John B, she wouldn��t have been on the run. But at the same time he was just trying to protect their dad. Rafe froze for a second lost in thought before he picked up the pile of cash people were laying on the table. He knew aT this point the only thing he could do was continue making money for Berry. Barry was the only one who could really help the pogues bring the truth out about his crimes and at this point he had basically became Barry’s bitch. He handled all the product, and sold it all with little to no compensation.

“ alright whose ready for the next round ?”

****

The next morning

“ why you even selling to those kooks anyways Barry?” You asked as you hung your head off of Barry’s couch as he counted money from his duffle bag.

“ because y/n they’re rich and stupid” he responded as if it was an obvious answer. “ they ain’t got no responsibilities so all they care about is partying and getting fucked up.” You looked over at him as he stood up looking over you. “ and I’m the king at getting people fucked up aight. They’ll pay anything cause they got it” he said throwing his hands up. You sighed before sitting up.

“ you should really clean this place up. It stinks” you responded before walking out side, tugging at your tank top to cool down. As you walked out into his yard to sit out in one of his patio chairs you heard a dirt bike coming down the drive way.

“ great” you mumbled as you plopped down in the chair, hissing as the plastic chair burned the back of your thighs since you were in short denim shorts. You quickly lit up a joint Barry rolled for you earlier as you watched the guy turn his bike off before taking his helmet off.

‘Shit’ you thought as you accidentally inhaled too much and began coughing , realizing it was Rafe on the bike. You honestly had thought about him quite a few times through the night last night. Just mesmerized by his attractive looks.

“ hey I remember you” he spoke as you took a sip of your water.

“ oh yeah?” You asked brushing your long locks of hair from your face as some stuck to your forehead from sweat. “ where from?” You questioned, playing it off like you hadn’t thought about him all night.

“ you came to my party last night” he said. Wow. He was really cute.

“ oh yeah! Rafe right?” Rafe smiled.

Okay what the fuck. You immediately felt butterflies fluttering in the pit of your stomach as you watched this literal perfect smile form across his face . He ran his hands through his hair ( almost as if he was getting nervous) before nodding. “ yeah yeah that’s me” . You grinned before reaching out offering him a hit off your joint.

“ want a hit?” You asked.

“ yeah sure” he said before sitting down next to you, taking a hit off your joint. “ so I’ve never seen you round here. You uh Barry’s new girl ?” He asked blowing smoke out between the sentences. You threw your head back laughing loudly .

“ fuck no!” You laughed out. “ he’s my cousin . I’m just stayin with him for a couple months till I get my own plsce” you stated while grabbing the joint back from Rafe.

“ ahh” he responded looking down at the fire pit in front of y’all. “ you gonna stay here or” he asked. If it wasn’t for you crushing you would’ve been weird out by the questions he was asking. You shrugged taking a big hit .

“ I don’t know yet” you said blowing smoke out of your nose. “ I’m waiting to see if this place is gonna win me over.” You responded honestly . “ but honestly this heat and these bugs are for the birds” you said swatting at some of the gnats that were swarming again. Rafe chuckled slightly, looking down at his hands.

“ it’s not too bad once you get use to it.” He said looking over at you. “ maybe someone will change your mind” .You grinned, looking down as you felt the heat rushing to your cheeks. You could see Rafe playing with his hair again. You had come to a conclusion that the hair playing meant he was definitely nervous which made the butterflies flutter again.

“ uhm well-“ he said awkwardly standing up. “ Barry inside?” He asked looking over towards the trailer.

“ yeah yeah he’s in there” you said standing up as well.

“ okay well I’ll see you again okay Y/n? “ he stated, watching as you nodded in agreement. You watched him head inside the trailer, is tall figure swaying as he walked.

***

“ aye yo Barry” Rafe spoke out before opening the screen door to Barry’s trailer. “ got your money” Rafe stated nervously walking toward the back of the trailer to Rafes room.

“ okay country club I see you “ Barry expressed walking out his room to meet Rafe in the kitchen. “ this all of it?” He stated while grabbing the stack out of his hand.

“ yeah man that’s all of it” Rafe stated , sweat dripping down his forehead as he brushed his hair back. “ uhm you uh know you uhm doubled it right?” Rafe said referring to the supply.

“ I needed to get the product movin” he Barry replied still counting the stash.

“ yeah but you see it’s hard to move that much-“

“ listen country club I own you ok” Barry said looking up at Rafe with that cocky smirk of his. “ I know your secret. I know what you really did. Now you can either make my money by doin this work when and where I say I want it done-” he stared shrugging his shoulders. “- or I could just turn you in and make the money that way” Barry chuckled at the sight of Rafe breaking a sweat at the thought of the truth coming out as he sat down at his kitchen table, setting the stack of money on the table. “ choice is yours my friend” . Rafe shook his head stumbling around a bit , partially from nerves and the other from geeking of the dope.

“ nah I-I got you” he responded back , his heart pounding with anxiety.

“ alright that’s what I like to hear” Barry beamed. “ no go. I’ll let you know when I got more for you” he stated. Rafe quickly made his way out the door, running his hands through his hair once again before walking towards your direction. He wanted to just hop on his bike and scurry away from it all , but something about you intrigued him so much. Maybe it was because you treated him differently than everyone else. You were kind to him, and didn’t look at him like he was some crazy addict .

“ see ya Rafe” you called out as he passed by you towards his bike. He tossed his hand up to you with a smile before sitting on his bike, grabbing his helmet, he froze for a second before looking up at you.

“ hey I’m gonna have another party tomorrow night, you know if you’re not busy maybe you could come chill . Get a feel of this place a little more” he suggested, his fingers twiddling with his helmet.

“ I don’t know Rafe, didn’t really look like my crowd “ you stated, this time it was your turn to run your hands through your hair. He shrugged looking down at his helmet.

“ then hang with me” he suggested, his voice a bit softer as if he was nervous to make the suggestion at all. You grinned, pushing your hair behind your ear.

“ okay yeah, I’ll see you then “ you nodded, looking up to see his blue eyes beam with excitement.

“ cool cool” he stated before placing his helmet back on before revving his bike on , riding back out the driveway.

You leaned back sighing of happiness, grinning at Rafes comment .

“ then hang with me”

Tomorrow night couldn’t come sooner.

Chapter 2 coming soon ❤️

( I will be putting this story under the tag #somebody save me )

[creatureofmystry]

MLB x DC Universe Headcannons

I just love the idea of MLB and DC (expecially Batfam cuz Mari is such a Wayne) being in the same universe and crossing over. So one night, I just had an idea overload of different ways the Marinette would know the batfam/be a part of the DC universe. And if any of my shitty ideas somehow inspire or prompt you, then please be my guest. 😊 _

1) “Ladybugs of Past and Present”

Hippolyta, Wonder Woman’s mother, was once a previous holder of the ladybug miraculous. When Fu activated the miraculous and put them in circulation, Hippolyta could feel its magic waking back up. Knowing there must a reason for it to be out, she sent a message to her daughter. Diana searched, finding Marinette and Adrien as the present holders of the ladybug and cat miraculous. She vouched and brought them into the Young Justice program while they also made their own team, Project: Zodiac (or something like that).

[Sometime when Diana takes Marinette to meet Hippolyta]

“Great Hera, Tikki, you have not aged a day” -Hippolyta, cause she does know how to make joke. 

“And I would say the same to you” -Tikki

“Mother, you can make a laugh?” -Wonder Woman, honestly a bit confused cause her mom have never not been serious before.

And Marinette is just speechless cause she’s starstruck meeting Wonder Woman’s mom AND a previous Ladybug holder.

_

2) “Rockstar Niece”

Jagged Stone is Marinette’s Sweet Uncle J. During the summers, Jagged Stone would take Mari with him on tour. HIs summer tours are throughout America, so Mari gets to sightsee the country. Jagged’s first tour that he gets to take Mari on (5-ish), he’s also booked for the annual (for whatever reason) Wayne Summer Gala. When Marinette meets the Waynes, they are so enamoured (Dick and Tim couldn’t help it) that they tell Jagged he’s always invited as a guest, Mari of course being added to the permanent guest list too. About 6 years later, Mari is practically adopted, spending the first half of her summers with Jagged, going to the Wayne Gala, then spending the rest of her summer with the Waynes. Overtime, she figured out the secrets of the family and was there to welcome Jason back from the dead (when that happens). Anyways, now 11(-ish?) Mari meets Damian and the two become good friends… after an… impressionable first meeting.

“Tch, let me guess, you’re another one of father’s adopted strays” -Dami

“YOU MUST BE DAMIAN!!! DICK TOLD ME ABOUT YOU!!” -Marinette, who just ignores what he said for a hug.

“hiiiiiiiiissssssss” -Dami, touchy with touch

“...” sprays water in his face since he decided to act like a cat.

“I say, Master Bruce, the children are getting along quite well” -Alfred

_

3) “Pen Pals” 

Jon Kent and Marinette Dupain-Cheng are part of an international pen-pal program, starting when they were very young (maybe like 4 or 5-ish, super super young) where they told each other everything (Jon can’t just say that his older bro is a clone made from Superman and Lex Luthor’s DNA, or that his dad is Superman, or that his best friend is Robin, but yea. Lois and Clark probably proofread his stuff until he’s like 9) with pictures and everything. When they’re old enough to get phones & stuff, they call, text and vid-chat along with their letters (love without blood). When Mari is maybe 9-11 (somewhere around there) she starts flying over during the summers to hangout with Jon (and his friends and big brother). While there, she meets Kon, Bat fam, and Clark (some who she already knew, some who she didn’t) & lightly hints that she knows who all they are once she figures it out (it didn’t take her long to do so). 

Now whenever she visits and is at Wayne Manor (Jon likes to have sleepovers practically every weekend) while they’re on patrol, Mari subtly messes with their minds (super subtle, they’re the world’s best detectives after all) until they finally look through the cams and see Mari giving them one of those smiles (those shit-grinning cause it’s just so hilarious how it’s gone on for so long) & and a playful wink. 

[5 seconds later]

“Mari!” “Pixie-pop!” “Angel!” “Teacup!”

“Seriously, am I the only one with a normal nickname for her?” -Tim

“Ms. Marinette would like to inform you that ‘it took you long enough’” -Alfred (who so knows that the girl has been playing them since the third night she stayed at the Wayne’s)

“Where are my adoption papers?” -Bruce (who is seriously adopting any talented black-haired child)

_

4) “Mari and Mar’i” 

When Mar’i is young, Dick and Kori take her with them to see Paris (btw, this would be during the winter). They’re strolling along through a park and lose track of Mar’i who finds Marinette (9-10 ish). Marinette comforts and distracts Mar’i while noticing the young(er) girl is Tameranian (her hair is very warm and she’s wearing significantly less layers than should be worn for a human of that age during the winter, plus that sun-kissed skin tone. She’s seen Kori in her fashion magazines (and, from time to time, on the news as an ambassador) so she easily make the connections). Dick and Kori finally spot Mar’i with Mari who introduces herself to them. Mar’i asks if she can see her “Auntinette” again and Marinette just goes “if your parents are okay with it.” Dick and Kori are totally cool with it (not many are willing to watch her and have the time to do it) so they ask Marinette if she can babysit Mar’i whenever (with good pay of course) if she’s up to it (cause she’s still pretty young). Marinette can’t say no to Mar’i’s babydoll eyes (and she’s so much easier compared to Manon, who’s only 2 rn), so of course, she says yes. 

Now Marinette is Mar’is official babysitter and sees Mar’i often whenever her parents drop her off (using zeta tubes to quickly get to Paris and back). Marinette gets treated like an honorary Wayne (cause she’s the most responsible) and gets invited to their family stuff (w/ travel pay taken care of, of course). It doesn’t take her long to realize the fact that she babysits Bruce Wayne’s & BATMAN’S granddaughter, but of course, being the responsible one she is, keeps the secret… while also playing with them via Mar’i.

[One Day]

After Marinette leaves for her plane…

“Uncle Dami!”

“Yes, Spawn?”

“Auntinette said to tell you after she left that Robin’s sut needs a major upgrade & that you look like a traffic light… whatever that’s supposed to mean.”

[Another Day]

“Uncle Jay!”

“What’s up kid?’

“Auntinette said that to let you know that Red Hood doesn’t make any sense ‘cause Red Hood wears a helmet. Not a hood.”

[The next time]

“Uncle Tim!”

Yawn. “yea?”

“Auntie told me to give you this” (pulls out super caffeinated coffee) “and that Red Robin’s cowl is a menace to all things fashion”

[Again…] 

“Daddy!”

“Yes, Starshine?”

“Auntienette said she’s proud of Nightwing’s costume ‘cause it’s one of the only in the batfam that isn’t an astro-city to the fashion society.”

_

5) “Marinette, the one who’s always getting chosen”

Before Mari became (becomes(?)) LB, she comes across a different powerful piece of jewelry, from a different order of guardians where her will of mind is not only her shield from being akumatized, but it is also what drives her powers. That’s right, Mari walks past a flea market and activates a GL ring. The guardians pick up on this activity and send Hal (it is his sector) to check it out. Hal finds the ring with Mari but it still needs the light of a GL to charge and fully work. 

[During the explanation]

“Look, kid-”

“Marinette.” 

“Look, kid, I just need to know why you have that ring.”

“You think I know? I was just walking through the market and all of a sudden, this possessed ring, if that’s even what this is, started following me, then zipped in front of my face til i held my hand up so it can put itself on my finger.” 

“Kid-”

“It’s MARINETTE. Get it wrong one more time and you’ll see why I don’t need a possessed piece of alien jewelry.” -Marinette, making sure you get her name right. “Besides, if I stole it, I would remember. I’m a klepto” -Marinette, probably holding his ring too at this point.

Hal obviously doesn’t want the wrath of the Dupain-Chengs (just the kid Marinette scares him enough), so he tells the guardians that JL will take care of most of Mari’s training (once they get her a lamp for her ring, of course) & has her take part in training at Mt. Justice with the Young Justice team and special training with the Bats. Mari does all this under the guise of an international student exchange program for Mari to stay with the Waynes (not yet knowing that it’s the bat fam) and attends G.A. Mari doesn’t do much, but it takes her 24-36 hours to know who EVERYONE is.

[the next week after settling in]

“Hey, Mars,” -Dick, in his Nightwing gear

“Hey, Di-is the GREATEST SHOW!” -Mari, changing the subject(… not really)

“How long did it take you?”

“Not as long as the Kryptonians…” -Mari, going off into a tangent (still trying to change the subject”

[When Marinette meets Tikki]

Back in Paris:

“Sooo… I’m getting powerful jewelry that gives me powers and a suit, needs to be recharged, and comes from some Order of the Guardians? What’s the difference between you and my ring?” -Marinette, who at this point is very confused as to why she keeps getting picked on for this kind of stuff. 

“One’s alien, one’s magic” -Tikki, hoping Mari will end it there & lowkey hates that the GL Corp. got to her first.

“They’re both non-human made energy sources” -Mari, cause once you’ve seen it once, you’ve seen it all before. 

“You can’t heal the Akuma without the miraculous, and there are more than just rings. Yours are earrings, there are hair clips, bracelets, necklaces and more” -Tikki, after having a minute to think

“Fine, only because you said they’re the only way to heal the, what was it again, akuma?”

_

6) “Their Unofficial Official Barista”

Part of Tim’s job as Co-CEO, is to make sure all the branches are running smoothly, sometimes that means he has to fly abroad to manually check in. Tim goes to Paris to check on the W.E. Paris branch. He goes to a nearby Patisserie (Tom and Sabine’s) to see a young Marinette (somewhere from 8-11) drawing in her sketchbook at the counter. She explains that her parents are at a catering event, but she’s there to man the little bakery. Tim asks for a super caffeinated coffee and Marinette makes it with ease, claiming it was on the house with how bad he looks (and how much sleep the man clearly needs). Tim begs for her knowledge and asks if she can teach his butler. Mari’s willing to show him the next time he comes, so he gets the whole fam to go (viz tubes so they don’t waste time) maybe a week later. Everyone gets their own drink (plus a free pastries) and Marinette teaches Alfred her coffee, but it’s just not the same so Tim, using the tubes, goes to get coffee from the girl whenever he can. 

Mari is horrible at getting up on time (the life of an insomniac, never getting to sleep even if you want and then barely waking up on time) that she is up super early, makes Tim his coffee (plus a croissant) and tries to go back to sleep (making her inevitably late). Tim would walk up to the pick-up counter where his cup and to-go bag is while Marinette runs out of the house to get to school. Eventually, the rest of the Batfam (as well as the Laegue, TT, and YJ) frequent the place, slowly becoming (Dami too) Mari hides it, but she knew all the batfam the first day they came and she showed Alfred how to make the coffee. When the others start making more regular appearances, she learns the identities of YJ team, WW, GLs, and others. Obviously when LB and CN appear as heroes with HM as their villain, they immediately reach out to help. Because 1. Batfam clearly notices that it’s Mari and they sure as heck won’t let her deal with that by herself, and 2. The JL is worrying too much about their favorite barista (even though she’s not really one), especially with the Gigantitan scare. So, of course LB & CN (can’t make him bad everytime) get inducted into YJ.

[After Ladybug finishes defeating Gigantitan and detransforms] 

“Bean! Are you okay? You’re not hurt, are you?” -Tim, being an even more protective older brother than Dick, which shouldn’t be possible

“Yes, I promise. I’m fine” -Marinette, who just accepts the fact that she’s adopted an older brother (and his famliy)

“Tube over, we’ll have Alfred make sure” -Dick, already pulling out the medical supplies for Alfred.

“I-” 

“You shouldn’t worry your brothers like that, Marinette. Now come over so Alfred can clear you,” -Bruce, who just happens to overhear the conversation

“I’m sorry, Miss Marinette, they are very adamant that you’re in pitch perfect health before going out again,” -Alfred, who’s not actually sorry

“Fine” -Marinette, accepting her fate of her adopted, protective family. 

_

7) “Thicker Than the Blood We’ve Shed”

Why is Marinette so freakishly strong? Because she was trained to be. Before she could even talk, Mari was taught to be an assassin. She and Damian were frenemies, both competing for top spot as best in the League (of Assassins). They often spared together and became rivals who pushed each other (which sounds great in that context if you forget about the fact that they’re killing people and turning it into a competition). When Damian’s care is turned over to Batsy, Mari also comes along for the ride. She implements herself into Dami’s classes at G.A. & watches him from afar. (Damian, not being an idiot, of course knows all this and knows that it’s probably for Mari to give a report to Talia.) When he becomes Robin, Mari obviously knows, but waits to see if anything drastic would happen (his care was given to the Batfam, they had already expected this to happen.) She then heard word of the bounty Talia put on Damian’s head. Marinette knew there wouldn’t be much she could do to help, but she ave Dami a warning about the upcoming situation before fleeing the country. 

From there she got to France, changed her name (it wasn’t originally Marinette, it was Shénqí, chinese for miraculous/magical (or something else if you want)), was adopted by Tom & Sabine, and left her time in the League in the past. When she received Tikki, she didn’t want to be a hero because she didn’t think she deserved it after her up-bringing. Eventually, she did become LB (being a trained assassin does help with lucky charms, considering she was taught how to kill with basically every and anything), and life was good for her. Then Rossi came.

[Gotham field trip]

While at Wayne Tower…

“How idiotic are they?” -Damian, who after reuniting with his long-lost sister-from-a-different-mister (yes, Marinette was able to convince him to say it once), can’t understand the stupidity she has to deal with.

“Are you Robin?” -Mari, who is too tired, so just goes straight into the analogy

“Yes.” -Obvious and simply is.

“Exactly” -Mari, who can’t even put a limit to the amount of thought the one brain cell the class shares doesn’t use. I mean please, the so-called “reporter” believed that the first cosplayer she saw was the actual LB when they don’t even have the same hair! And let’s not forget the origins arc, where LB’s first citizen save was Chloe.

[colorseeingchick]

Period Pains (Atsumu, Akaashi, Sugawara)

Periods. Suck. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. But maybe they can make it suck less.

A/N: Y’all can probably guess how my week has been :D. So this is mostly self indulgent and has definitely made me fall in love with all these boys much more. I may or may not stan Miya Atsumu now but we don’t talk about it (yet)

Warnings: None really! Fluffy and domestic wholesomeness. Post-timeskip.

Miya Atsumu 

Atsumu starts to stir from his sleep when he hears a loud prolonged groan next to him. 

He presses his eyes closed when the lights suddenly turn on. Ugh.

He opens his eyes to see you waddling away to the bathroom with your hand pressed to your stomach. Hmm?

He looks down and sees a relatively large splotch of red staining the sheet. HAH!

Suddenly, Atsumu is very alert.

“Babe what happened! Did you get hurt?”

Mans throws (I mean THROWS) himself out of bed and pulls a pair of shorts on as he stumbles to the bathroom to check on you.

“Baby are you-” 

He sees you by the sink, washing your shorts, the water discolored as it runs off. 

Ohhhh yeah! You were on your period. 

Headass’s mind blanked while in a sleepy haze.

You sigh. “Yeah I’m… fine-ish. I guess.”

He smirks and comes up behind you, wrapping his hands around your waist, one hand gently rubbing over your long sleep shirt, right over your lower belly. 

He presses a slow kiss into the side of your head and rocks you side to side while you continue to wash. 

“Did ya wake up cuz of the pain, babe?” 

“Mhm. And I saw the stain then too. Ain’t my luck just great?”

He groggily laughs and presses more kisses along the side of your face and holds you tighter. 

“You got this, babe. I’ll bring the sheets here, yeah?” 

“Kay.”

This, in its own way, is enough to make you feel… less bad. 

You were far from feeling okay at this point, but Atsumu knowing the drill and nonchalantly helping out at 2 am made things feel less apocalyptic than they were in your head.. 

Atsumu strips the bed of all its sheets, rubbing his eyes as he tries to keep awake. 

Handing the sheet to you, he leans against the wall as you washed out the immediate blood stains. 

Once you wash it out, he takes it from you.

“Clean yerself up babe.” 

He takes the sheets downstairs and throws them into the washing machine. 

He goes to the kitchen and grabs a banana and some dark chocolate (because we healthy in this household).

And some ibuprofen from the medicine cabinet.

And runs back up to find you coming with new sheets in hand. 

Putting your snacks down on your bedside table, he helps you pull the fresh sheets over your bed. 

Sitting you on the bed, he hands you the food and sits next to you, leaning his head on your shoulder while you munch. 

He gives you the medicine when you’re done. 

“30 minutes- not bad. I think that’s our new record.”

He shuts off the lights and crawls into bed, opening his arms as you slide your legs under the comforter. 

Snuggling into him, he nuzzles your forehead as he holds you close. 

“Feelin better, babe?”

“Yeah… I’ll probably fall asleep in a bit or something.”

“Well, if ya wanna press up against me if that’ll make you feel better, ya can. And wake me up if ya need anything.”

“I will, Atsumu. Thanks.”

“G’nite, sweetheart.” 

BONUS: you wake up late the next morning, Atsumu still holding you flush against his body. 

Now that you slept well (thanks to the meds and Atsumu) and woke up without pain, you’re suddenly in a very affectionate mood. 

Wiggling up, you find your way to Atsumu’s face, giving him a couple of soft pecks to his lips. 

He stirs in his sleep, kissing you back. 

But even after you had pulled away, he kept kissing at the air, trying to find your lips in his sleepy haze.

It was pretty funny. 

He’s a headass, you’re not gonna lie. 

But he’s your headass! And that’s all that matters. 

Akaashi Keiji 

Before even coming home, Akaashi knew you were going to be on your period today. 

Your period tracking app was synced to his phone, so he knew when to prepare for your worst days with snacks, supplies, and lots of affection.

He hated how busy he was, that he couldn’t be home to take care of you. So making sure you had everything you needed was the best he could do. 

But when Akaashi comes home and can’t find you anywhere, he starts to worry. 

Where were you? You would usually always greet him when he came home, even when you were on your period.

He gets his answer when he hears sniffles and hiccups coming underneath the lump of blankets on the couch. 

Akaashi knows that if you were ever fully underneath the blankets, there was something really wrong. 

Taking his jacket off and throwing it over a chair in the kitchen, he rushes to your side and pulls the blankets delicately off your head. 

“What’s wrong, darling.”

“H-hi Keiji. I’m s-sorry I didn’t m-mean to *hic* hide from you I j-just don’t feel too g-good.” 

Your breath was so shaky and Akaashi’s heart shattered watching you. 

“Please, tell me what’s wrong, dear.” Akaashi asks you in a whisper. 

“My tummy just hurts so so much and it won’t go away I-” your sobs begin to rack through your whole body. 

“Did you take medicine? Heating pad?” He asks gently as he runs his hands through your hair and wipes the tears off your face. 

“N-no… I hate taking medicine Keiji you know that. But I took a hot shower and I hoped it would help and it didn’t.” You attempt to stifle your cries to talk coherently, misery wrapping around your soul. 

“Alright then, give me a second, darling, and I’ll do whatever I can.” 

After changing, Akaashi comes back downstairs to the couch and makes his way over to you. 

He pats your head gently, “can you sit up for me?”

He swings his legs up onto the couch and opens his arms and legs so you could place yourself between all his limbs. 

Crawling up to him, he turns you so that your back is pressed to his torso. 

Immediately, Akaashi’s hands snake around your waist and find their way to two sides of your lower stomach.

His fingers gently message you, moving around to try and find which spots need his attention, all while he coaxes you into being relaxed.

“Shhh darling, you’re okay. I’m here and I’m going to shower you with my love. Just relax and let me take care of you, okay dearest?”

You nuzzle back against his chest, letting his words, touch, warmth, and smell fill all your senses. 

“Keiji… how was your day?” You murmur, tilting your head back in an effort to look at him. 

He smiles, warmth spreading through his body as he realizes even while in pain, you still want to carry on your daily check-in on him post work. 

And so Akaashi tells you all the stories from the day- his new assignment, how panicked he got midday when the office went into crisis, a surprise visit from a certain owl during lunch time.

You listen attentively, but your hands subconsciously move his larger hands to the center of your lower abdomen, where he starts to gently rub, leaving your skin tingly and chest lighter. 

“Do you feel better, Y/N?” after sitting in comfortable silence for a little, he decides to ask. 

But when he got no response, he cranes his neck to check on you. 

You had fallen asleep in his embrace, a sweet smile slowly creeping across your face. 

He smiles too, overjoyed to know that he was able to relieve you of some of your pain. 

“Goodnight, my love.” He whispers to you, his eyes slowly shutting, arms still on your stomach. 

BONUS: at around 2 am, Akaashi wakes up, realizing he was still on the couch. 

You, however, were nowhere to be seen. 

Getting up, Akaashi heads to the kitchen to grab water, assuming you were already in bed. 

Instead, he found you in the kitchen too, the smell of pancakes flooding the space. 

“Keiji! We never ate dinner. I’m sorry I made you fall asleep without eating.”

A small smile appears on his face and he rubs his sleepy eyes. 

“It’s okay, dear. I’m just glad you could sleep some.”

“Do you want pancakes?”

“I would love some.”

Sugawara Koushi

Like Akaashi, Suga knew what was about to happen when he got a phone call from you as soon as he was leaving school.

Regardless, hearing you sniffle over the phone activates every protective instinct in his body.

“What’s wrong baby?”

“Koushi, do you love me?” 

A dumb question, obviously. Suga showered you with affection and endless praise on a daily basis for you simply just breathing. The most supportive of boyfriends!

But alas, insecurity still creeps up at times. And Suga gets it. 

“I love you more than anything else, Y/N.”

“Can you come home, Koushi? I miss you.”

“I’m on my way, love. Give me 10 extra minutes, okay?”

Suga hopped into his car to head home, stopping by the store to pick up a few things. 

He grabbed a pint of your favorite ice cream, your favorite chips (because do you want sweet or savory today? Only time will tell), and some flowers before heading home. 

The moment he steps through the door, you throw your hands around him and groan out of frustration, pain, and just general dejectedness (don’t @ me for projecting I swear). 

Suga smiles down at you, knowing that he can bring you some peace, and pulls you against him, flowers and bag still in hand. 

“Let me go change, my love. These are for you.” 

Your generally miserable disposition shifts as your nose is filled with the aroma of fresh flowers. Sweet and gentle scents always managed to lift your spirits, and Suga knew that. 

“Mkay.”

Once Suga came downstairs, he headed to the kitchen to warm up some water to pour into a water bottle. 

“Sweet or salty?”

“Salty.”

He grabs the warm water bottle and the bag of chips and makes his way over the couch where your eyes were begging him to shower you in love (which he was more than happy to do). 

Sitting down and opening his arms, you pull yourself against his side, hugging him tightly and nuzzling against his chest.

He rubs your head before sliding his hand down, soothingly rubbing circles onto your back. 

His other hand goes to place the warm water bottle on your lower abdomen, which you hold in place by pulling your legs up to your torso. 

“Koushi, why do you love me?” You murmur against him. “I’m so whiny and clingy and annoying and insecure and you’re perfect… you deserve the best. You shouldn’t have to put up with someone like me-”

“Hey.” Suga gently but sternly cuts you off. 

“That’s my girlfriend you’re talking about, and I don’t appreciate you talking about her like that.” He looks down at you and melts as he sees your puppy dog eyes staring back up at him.

“Koushi, I’m not wrong though. I am all those things.”

“And? I love you for it. I love that you whine for me and cling to me- it makes me feel wanted. I wouldn’t call you annoying, that's not your call to make. And insecure? That’s natural, my love. Everyone's a little insecure. I’m a little insecure. You’re not perfect and neither am I. And that’s okay. I don’t wanna love perfect. I want to love you and only you, okay?” 

Tears prick your eyes but you feel better with Suga’s words of reaffirmation. He’ll tell you no matter how many times you need to hear it. “Thank you Koushi, I love you so much.”

“Shh, my love. Don’t cry. I love you, too.” 

His grasp on you tightens as you relax against him, your breathing synchronizing. 

“You wanna watch some TV?”

“Yes please.”

“Chips?” 

“Mhm.” 

Single word exchanges and the warmth of Suga’s sweater keep you connected as you allow yourself to forget your physical and mental pains.

Suga always knew exactly what you needed to hear, and never hesitated to tell you. No matter how ‘out of the blue’ or random it may have felt, he was always there for when you needed him. 

BONUS: you guys settle on watching a romance movie, Suga feeding you chips while popping some into his own mouth as well. 

But once the movie got to the really sad part, you started crying (sometimes movies just made you cry, but hormones made it so much worse).

“Baby, don’t cry, it’s just a movie.” 

“But Koushi, you’re crying too!” 

In honesty, Suga’s face was very tear-streaked as well, his sniffles hushed. 

“Okay fine, we can both cry together.”

And so you did! Both of you cried, emotions fully invested in the movie, chips still being munched on while sobs shook your bodies. 

It would have been a goofy sight to any onlookers, but it was the pinnacle of your relationship- emotionally vulnerable, intimate, and domestic. True perfection, if you were to ask me.

[wintervvidow]

apricity pt. two

apricity - the warmth of the sun in winter

warnings: angst, blood, violence,

pairing: bucky barnes x female oc

word count: 2,956

A/N: part two is here! I did unintentionally rush through this chapter because I am so excited to start the civil war segment of this story. feedback is welcomed, let me know how you are liking it! thank you for reading!

MASTERLIST

Bucky’s cheek stung after the third slap from Pierce, the flesh bright red and warm to the touch. He continued fighting his restraints as he had been for the past hour. He had just been wiped, HYDRA needed to start fresh. Sweat trickled from his hairline to his jugular as he yanked and squirmed in the chair.

Alexander lost his patience an hour ago, Bucky hadn’t stopped talking about the girl on the bridge, “She doesn’t love you! If she did, she would have come back for you. We’re trying to correct the world, and we need you to do that. You want to be useful, don’t you?”

Bucky stared ahead emotionless, ignoring Pierce’s words. She loved him. Her eyes told him so, the look on her face from the bridge continued to haunt him even after being reprogrammed. He knew her. She was good. She was home.

A hand came down against Bucky's face again, harder than the last, “You are an asset. She is what we are fighting against. The world deserves freedom and that is what HYDRA is doing. You don’t do your part and I can’t do mine.”

Bucky softly murmured, voice raw from screaming, “But I knew her.”

Alexander clenched his fist as he stood from his chair placed in front of Bucky, “Wipe him again.”

Soon the air was filled with Bucky’s screams again, torturous and raw. Brock Rumlow looked on in silence, taking in the sight before him. This, he could work with.

~

The team consisting of Florence, Steve, Natasha, Sam, Maria, and Fury were littered throughout the vacant underground room, lights dim and the air heavy with stale humidity. Steve and Sam stood while the remaining few were seated at a long conference table. Fury had documents scattered in front of him, Maria with a laptop, typing away intently.

Fury held an image of Pierce from the ’80s in his hand, “This man declined the Nobel Peace Prize. He said peace wasn’t an achievement, it was a responsibility.” Fury threw the picture onto the table, “See, it’s stuff like this that gives me trust issues.”

Natasha speaks from her chair next to her fellow redheaded friend, a solemn expression on her face, “We have to stop the launch.” Alexander was planning on using Project Insight, which consisted of three helicarriers that patrolled the Earth to eliminate threats, deployed after the Battle of New York, only this time it was being planned to be used as a way for HYDRA to eliminate any threats to themselves. The operation was now turned against them.

Fury looked at Natasha with an eyebrow raised, “I don’t think the Council’s accepting my calls anymore.” He flipped open a briefcase, revealing three data chips.

Behind Florence, Sam spoke with arms crossed tightly over his chest, “What’s that?”

Maria flipped her laptop around, showing the team a diagram of data, “Once the helicarriers reach 3,000 feet, they’ll triangulate with Insight satellites, becoming fully weaponized.”

“We need to breach those carriers and replace their targeting blades with our own.” Fury gestured to the case in front of him.

Maria flipped her laptop back around, “One or two won’t cut it. We need to link all three carriers for this to work because if even one of those ships remains operational, a whole lot of people are gonna die.” The entire team grimaced.

All eyes were on Fury as he spoke, “We have to assume everyone on those carriers is HYDRA. We have to get past them, insert these server blades. And maybe, just maybe we can salvage what’s left.”

Florence and Steve shared a look, Florence knew Steve wouldn’t let that happen, “We’re not salvaging anything. We’re not just taking down the carriers, Nick. We’re taking down S.H.I.E.L.D.”

Fury snapped back at Steve, “S.H.I.E.L.D. had nothing to do with this.”

“You gave me this mission, this is how it ends. S.H.I.E.L.D.’s been compromised. You said so yourself. HYDRA grew right under your nose and nobody noticed.” Steve’s face was set, his entire body taking on the posture of command.

Fury gestured around the room with his hands before setting them back on the table, “Why do you think we’re meeting in this cave? I noticed.”

Steve’s face remained cold, “How many paid the price before you did?” Florence read between the lines, she knew what he was asking and it felt like a punch to the gut.

Fury bowed his head as Florence looked away, “Look, I didn’t know about Barnes.” No one did.

Steve scoffed, “Even if you had, would you have told me? Or would you have compartmentalized that too? Like Florence.”

“Hey, she did what she had to. You did not go through what she did.” Florence looked to Fury with kindness in her tired eyes, silently thanking him.

Steve interrupted the tender moment, continuing his speech, “S.H.I.E.L.D., HYDRA, it all goes.”

“He’s right. It all has to go.” All eyes darted to Maria, a silent understanding that Steve was right. This was the beginning of the end.

Fury looks around, eyes landing on Sam, “Don’t look at me.” Sam nods his head to Steve, “I do what he does, just slower.”

Steve stood at the head of the table, staring at Fury as he leaned back in his chair, “Looks like you’re giving the orders now, Captain.”

The team was given their tasks, parting their separate ways before the mission.

Florence found Steve outside, standing on the bridge lost in thought.

Florence sided up next to him, “Hey, I know you probably hate me right now, but-”

Steve cut her off, turning to face her, “I don’t hate you. I don’t. I’m just struggling to wrap my head around the fact that he’s been alive this entire time and you haven’t told one person. Not even me.”

“Steve, I tried. After I ran, I tried to go back for him but he wouldn’t let me; told me to run and to never come back for him. So I had to go into hiding. Seventeen years Steve. It’s not like I could walk into a government building and tell them without HYDRA catching wind. Hell, I could have been walking straight back into HYDRA. You have to understand that everything I’ve done has been to protect him. Everything.” By the end of the redheads’ speech, she was choking back tears, hands trembling at her sides. She bit her lip to quell the emotions running through her.

Steve placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, “I know, I know. I’m sorry.”

Silence fell over the two friends as both reminisced on the past, staring off into space.

Flashback:

Florence climbed the stairs behind Bucky and Steve to Steve’s family home. The mood was somber, Florence’s black funeral dress grazing her ankles as she stepped up the last step, standing next to Bucky.

“We looked for you after. My folks wanted to give you a ride to the cemetery.” Bucky’s tone was soft as he spoke to the heartbroken Steve.

“I know. Kinda wanted to be alone.” Steve stared at the ground as he spoke, never making eye contact with either Florence or Bucky.

Florence cocked her head to one side, gaze softly inquisitive as she looked at the small-statured man in front of her, “How was it?”

“It was okay. She’s next to dad.” The blonde’s tone was monotonous and quiet, understandably so.

Bucky shrugged his shoulders, “I was gonna ask-”

Steve cut him off as he reached his front door, hands fumbling in his pocket for the key, “I know what you’re gonna say, Buck, I just-”

“You can put the couch cushions on the floor, like when we were kids. It’ll be fun, all you gotta do is shine my shoes, maybe take out the trash.” Bucky reached down to move a brick, grabbing the key to the door and handing it to Steve, “Come on.”

Steve took the key, finally looking him in the eye, “Thank you, Buck. But I can get by on my own.”

Florence looked to Bucky, silently telling him to comfort their friend. Bucky nodded, speaking again, “The thing is, you don’t have to.” Bucky’s large hand clapped Steve on the shoulder, “Cuz me and Florence? We’re with you till the end of the line, pal.”

The moment was broken up by Sam, approaching the two old friends, “He’s gonna be there you know.”

“We know.” Both Steve and Florence were painfully aware of that fact.

“Look, whoever he used to be and the guy he is now, I don’t think he’s the kind you save. He’s the kind you stop.”

Steve looked to Sam, “I don’t know if I can do that.” Florence knew she couldn’t. Everything she has ever done, Bucky has always crossed her mind- how to help him, save him, protect him; always concerned about his well-being. And now she was forced to go against him.

“Well, he might not give you a choice. He doesn’t know either of you.” Sam twisted the knife with his last sentence, Florence and Steve grimacing at one another.

Steve spoke, looking at Florence for a last time then at Sam, “He will.” The blonde looked over the bridge, “Gear up. It’s time.”

The team changed into their gear and split up to where they were appointed: Natasha infiltrating a meeting with Alexander as a congresswoman with Fury as backup and releasing all HYDRA files, Maria preparing to order the attack to bring down the helicarriers, and Steve, Sam, and Florence to board the helicarrier to replace the targeting blades.

Sam called out to Steve as he walked away, "Wearing that?"

“No. If you’re gonna fight a war, you have to wear a uniform.”

~

Florence ran through the ship deck as fast as she could, doing her best to not get shot. Her earpiece kept her up to date, Natasha had just started releasing all of the files; her and Natasha’s secrets were now public along with the rest of HYDRA’s. Steve had already made it to the helicarrier, the redhead had gotten caught up with a HYDRA agent on the ground.

Florence was late to the party, Steve, and Bucky already furiously exchanging punches. She got to the top of the carrier as fast as she could with the help of Sam, her feet moving without thought. Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Sam deploy his parachute after being kicked off by Bucky, now he was grounded.

Steve and Florence were on opposite ends of the carrier, Florence quickly making her way toward the two men.

Bucky threw Steve off of the top-level, Steve landing below with a thud, shield long gone in the Potomac beneath them.

Florence stared ahead, Bucky finally noticing her arrival. Both looked at the other in silence, gauging the situation at hand. His eyes were void of all emotion, this was not Bucky. The Soldier had a mission to kill her and Steve. Florence had a mission to keep Bucky alive, no matter the cost. If he was alive that meant there was hope to save him. You can’t save a dead man.

The silence was erupted by Florence, her mouth moving before her brain could stop, "Bucky, don't do this. You don't have to do this."

Tears welled up in her eyes unwillingly, the dam threatening to burst. Even if she knew deep down that he had been alive this entire time, a sliver of her always thought he was dead. Maybe her subconscious came up with that thought to protect herself, to make herself feel better about not being able to get him out. And she did try to get him out; she tried like hell. The first five years of her seventeen-year stint of being on the run was the worst. She was constantly moving locations, barely sleeping. And when she did sleep, she dreamt of Bucky- he was always screaming at her to go, save herself, and leave him behind. That was a detail that she would never tell Steve; if they even made it out alive of this situation. Steve wouldn’t understand, he was too stuck in his ways, he would have tried to get him out anyway. He would disregard any command in order to save Bucky even if the demand came straight from Bucky’s mouth. He would never truly understand why Florence did what she did. Maybe it was better that way.

He furrows his brow, lines etching themselves between his steel-blue eyes, "You're my mission."

A single breath is taken before he swings at her, metal arm glinting in the light as she dodges his punch, sweeping under his outstretched arm. She wasn't going to fight back. She couldn't.

Bucky turns violently, eyes hard, set on her. He lunges again as her weapon clatters to the ground of the helicarrier. Now Florence was defenseless. Although it's not like she was fighting back anyway. She'd let him kill her. If that kept him alive, she'd do it. It's not like he remembers her anyway, you can't mourn a person you don't remember.

She takes three steps back, her back colliding with the wall behind her as Bucky stalks forward. His breath fans across her face as he stands in front of her. She notices a stall in his motions, practically seeing his brain malfunction. His head was fighting with his heart.

A fist flies next to her head, Bucky purposely missing as he punches the wall again. His face twisted in pain, he was fighting himself. He couldn't do this. He knew her. His body knew her, pieces of memories played through his brain as he continued to punch the wall, a ring, her hand in his, dog tags being placed around her neck, all of it hurt. Florence was frozen in place as Bucky's fists continued flying next to her, "Go! You need to go!"

He remembered her.

Just as Steve ordered Maria to fire at the carrier, Bucky shoved Florence, causing her to tumble over the edge, joining Steve at the bottom of the carrier as it went up in flames. The carrier was under fire from all sides, jostling violently, causing Bucky to fall along with her. He landed away from Florence and Steve, being pinned under the debris.

Steve got to his feet, swaying as he stumbled over to Bucky who was struggling under the weight of the metal beam. Steve wedged the beam up, freeing Bucky. The girl remained on the ground, curling into a ball from the pain of the impact of the fall.

Florence rose to her feet as Steve told Bucky that he knew them. Bucky’s metal arm reeled back, punching Steve in the face as he screamed, “No I don’t!”

“Buck, we’ve known you your whole life.” Florence’s voice trembled as he hit Steve again, effectively knocking him to the ground.

Steve stood again, “Your name is James Buchanan Barnes.”

Bucky punched Steve in the face for a final time, the force knocking him off the carrier and into the river below. Florence scrambled to stand in front of Bucky, making him really look at her. To truly see her, to see what he was doing. Her face was bleeding, soot smudged across her forehead, sweat mixing with tears and blood flowing down her face.

“I’m not gonna fight you. I love you.” Florence’s body shook with sobs as Bucky tackled her to the ground.

His frame towered over hers, his body heaving as he spoke, “You’re my mission.” His fist flew next to her head, once, twice; never actually hitting her. Florence could see the struggle in his eyes. He was a broken man without a home.

“You don’t love me. You left me!” Bucky’s fist continued flying next to Florence’s head, the plexiglass cracking. Pierce’s words looped in his mind, she didn’t love him. She left him. She abandoned him. She was his mission.

Florence took a heaving breath in, “Yes I do, I do love you. I tried to get you out, I did, you wouldn’t let me, I tried, I-” Bucky interrupted her by pressing his flesh hand against her throat and applying pressure.

He leaned down, only inches between their faces as he applied more pressure around her throat and choking her. He grit his teeth as he choked her harder, brunette hair dangling in his face. This was it. This was Florence’s last chance, “It’s okay. It’s okay. I love you, it’s okay.” If these were the last words Bucky would ever hear from her, she was okay with that. She needed him to know that it was okay. He was doing what he had been forced to do, it wasn’t him. She needed him to know that she understood.

The hand from her throat disappeared, Bucky leaning back above her, staring at her with glassy eyes. Florence struggled for breath as she watched Bucky process her words. Debris fell around them, Bucky hovering over her to protect her from the falling particles. A large engine fell next to them, shattering the glass and sending Florence falling straight into the Potomac, Bucky hanging onto the carrier from a beam as he watched his lover fall into the water below.

Bucky dragged Steve out of the water with his metal arm while the other balanced Florence against his shoulder, ignoring the burning pain of his flesh arm as her head rested on his neck. He placed the two unconscious Avengers on the riverbank, taking one last look at them before he disappeared, becoming a ghost yet again.

FEEDBACK IS WELCOMED. IF YOU ENJOYED, PLEASE REBLOG!

taglist: @tanyaherondale   @lilyviolets   @jckie94

[iambarelysushi]

AEW Poster info dump

Okay, so, if you're reading this you've probably seen my AEW poster that I'm working on. This post is to sort of explain everything about who's in it and stuff like that.

The poster as of 3\10\21, roughly 45% complete

What is this?

It's a poster with 563 people (well, 560 people, 2 drones, and 1 dog) that have appeared on AEW in the first two years or so of it's existence.

Who is on here?

I have a Google doc of 563 people that can be found here: Spreadsheet

How did you get 563 people?

I took everyone that wrestled on an AEW pay-per-view, Dynamite, Dark, or Dark Elevation, as well as commentators, referees, notable guest appearances, and so on.

How long has this taken you?

I didn't write down which day I actually started (since I didn't realize how big the project was going to end up) but my best guess is that I started it in August of 2020 (at least, that's the earliest digital file I have saved. I know there were initially older files though.) Also, there have been breaks while I work on other things.

That must be a really big canvas you're working on.

It is, but since I'm working digitally, I've broken it down into multiple smaller files so my computer doesn't explode when I need to open it. I would make a new canvas, draw several wrestlers on it, then copy the finished inks to the full sized one. That way I can move people around, resize them if need be, and make changes relatively easily. The final piece will be 24 inches by 36 inches.

How do you keep track of all of this?

Well, I've got a spreadsheet that I linked to above. It tells me which wrestlers I need to draw, and breaks that down into inks, flat colors, and shading. It also tells me if I've placed them on the final canvas, which file the original lineart is in, and even when they first appeared for AEW.

Do you draw this or trace it?

Okay, this is difficult to explain: I use a ton of reference. In order to get the likeness right, I'll do a quick sketch over the reference to place where the eyes and nose go. Then I'll move the reference pic to the side and draw the rest. I'll draw guidelines to show where various parts of the body should be. If I'm done and it still looks wonky, I'll put the lineart over the reference and adjust lines where needed. Usually it's the eyes are crooked. Anyway, here's an example of my process:

Where's [wrestler] or [wrestler?]

When this is all done, I'll have a key to show who's who and where they are.

Why isn't [wrestler] in here?

When I started this project, I was going to draw the roster, plus the indie wrestlers they started bringing in for Dark when Covid hit. So every few weeks I'd add more people to the list. And more. And more. Until finally I decided that the limits of this drawing would be drawing anyone between AEW Double of Nothing 2019 (the first official AEW pay-per-view) and the episode of Dynamite on October 6, 2021 (the two year anniversary of Dynamite.) If they debuted after, they're not in there. Which sucks because that includes Danhausen, one of my absolute favorites.

Why is [wrestler] in here? Aren't they a horrible person?

So yeah, right when I was starting this, the Speaking Out stuff started coming out, and I was torn between leaving people out of a project who's entire point was to get "everyone," and adding known creeps to the piece. I tried to compromise by having them getting kicked in the face and\or making them quite small and obscured. It's why I know a bunch of people are going to ask why I drew one of the "four pillars of AEW" so small. It's 'cuz he's a creep.

Hey, some wrestlers change between process shots, what gives?

Since I've been working on this for two years, I'll look back at some of the older art and realized I could do it better. And sometimes gimmicks change. And sometimes the guy dead center of your original draft leaves the company and sometimes the guy you put off to the side because you didn't really care about him at the start goes on to become one of your favorites and AEW Champion. So in short, I'll redraw stuff if I think the original drawing doesn't work.

Anything else you want to say about this?

Uh . . . it's well over 1500 layers in Clip Studio as of this writing. The file is almost an entire gigabyte. That's insane.

Oh yeah, meant to ask . . . WHY are you doing this? It's insane.

Well, I like to draw large group shots. One of my favorite artists growing up was George Perez, and he drew every single Avenger on the cover of Avengers #1 in 1998 and it made an impact on me. As a kid, I would take large rolls of paper (my dad worked at a printer at the time, would bring home leftover paper rolls) and draw these ten foot tall super posters with all my favorite characters. Then as I got older, I started tabling at conventions. I didn't feel like my art stood out very much, so I drew a print with a dozen or so characters. Then one with twenty. Then fifty. Then the next thing you know, I'm drawing a "Where's Waldo?" picture where you have to find John Cena among 300 wrestlers. (The joke is, he's not actually there.) It sort of became my "thing." I may not be the best artist, but I'm certainly going to be the most artist.

The "Can U C Me?" Where's Waldo print, the biggest thing I had drawn until this AEW project.

Got any process pictures?

Of course. I can't go two years on a project and not periodically post something to try and get that sweet, sweet validation.

Drawing wrestlers in smaller chunks before copying them over to the main canvas.

Placing them together to figure out the best layout.

The first draft of the large canvas. The blue background is just so I can tell where I've got space.

I quickly started running out of room.

Around this point I realized I needed to move people around so I decided to scrap this layout and move people around. Also, Cody left so I decided to redraw the EVPs.

Redrew the EVPs and started the new layout.

The most up-to-date version as of 3\15\21. Started keeping track of percentages complete on the spreadsheet, started adding them to process shots.

[breitzbachbea]

#11 and #41 for turgre!

Thank you for sending the prompt in!

Fanfic Trope Mash Up

#11 Neighbour AU + #41 Big Damn Kiss =

Herakles & Sadık are both recent university graduates from Athens & İstanbul, but find themselves lacking opportunities to work in their homecountries. So they go abroad to try their luck elsewhere.

Both end up in Germany. Herakles' is living with the Simonides old family friends who've either migrated decades ago or are living as expats in Germany. Natasa and Ibrahim welcome Herakles with open arms. He immediately makes friends with their twins, only a few years younger than him. Omar and Timothea, as they're called, are still living with their parents while they're attending the local university. They're not living in luxury, but they're happy.

Sadık manages to get in contact with Havva Be Yauno via some university acquaintances. They migrated to Germany a while ago, after being kicked out working in local administration. Sadık gets to share a small flat in the building Havva manages for the landlord, together with a Kurdish Woman called Dilan Taş. After some initial hiccups, the two become close friends.

The hiccups with their neighbours next door are less initial. No, that's a lie - The Simonides don't mind their new neighbours, even invite them for coffee and tea. Omar pretty quickly evolves a crush on Dilan.

It's just Herakles and Sadık who keep butting heads.

They argue about petty semantics that only people who studied 'breadless art' would care about. Herakles complains that they're too loud at night. Sadık says Herakles is dragging stray cats into the house by leaving out food & now the whole staircase stinks. There's always something.

As time goes on, they get over themselves a little. Too busy with their own life. Sadık feeds the cats with scraps he gets from the Turkish butcher. Herakles comes over after it's been eerily quiet for weeks and finds out that Sadık's latest odd job makes him work at night. He actually finds him slumped over on the kitchen table when Dilan lets him in before she leaves for work. He goes back and leaves him a package of expensive coffee beans that he had imported from Greece.

One night, they end up together on the university campus. Sitting on the steps surrounding a piece of green near a small river. The city's barely still awake, there's only music, TV and chatter from the dorms. The occassional student crossing after they stayed late at the library.

"What did you actually study?" Sadık asked and put the lighter back into his pocket. It was a cheap one with a wheel. Pain in the ass to get working at this point. His last money had been spent on the cigarettes themselves.

Herakles took a deep breath through his nose. He stared at the water, flowing invisibly except for a few dancing white and orange specks. "Philosophy," he said.

Sadık chuckled and the chuckle quickly became a laugh. "Oh, what a surprise that you couldn't find a job with such a prestigious degree." He grinned and exhaled some smoke.

"And history. Archaeology, Politics, Linguistics, Architecture, Maths... I dipped my toes into physics, too, for a little bit, but couldn't really make it."

Sadık's grin had long faltered. Herakles looked to the river. A smile replaced the initial surprise on Sadık's face. "Oho, a real Renaissance man, aren't you?"

"I like to learn. But all I could do with the few fields I actually managed to acquire a degree in was teach in school. And I'm just not... very good at that." He sighed. Long. "But my dad had stopped paying once I had gotten a job, not that he had ever really paid me enough, mind you, so... I had nowhere to go if I had quit."

"Except here." Sadık wished Herakles would have looked at him. To even catch a glimpse of him, a little bit of that beautiful face illuminated by the pale moon or the orange streetlights.

"Except here." Sadık finally had his wish granted. "What did you study?"

Sadık took a deep breath through his nose. His cigarette was almost finished. "Architecture, too. Tried to get into engineering, but couldn't quite make it. Would have loved to do Literature, frankly. I dunno, get a teaching position at an university, but Anne* always had higher plans for me. Career woman and all that, only wanted the best for me, too, so studying something almost as useless as philosophy wasn't really up for debate."

Now he was the one to stare into the river while he took another drag. He looked at his feet. His shoes could need a good cleaning.

"A smoking literature professor, how cliché," Herakles said and the deep shadows on his face hid how much it reflected the amusement in his voice. He leant in closer to Sadık and put a hand on his thigh. His inner thigh. "All the women would have gone wild over this."

"You think so?" Sadık asked, an expectant but cautious smirk on his face. Rest of his cigarette between his fingers. Herakles' weight on his thigh. He enjoyed his touch. The nights were so cold here in Germany. He leant in for a kiss.

Herakles' hand disappeared. "But I don't kiss smokers." The next moment, Sadık was engulfed in darkness as Herakles stood and blocked the streetlight. He turned and adjusted his jacket. "I have a job interview tomorrow, so see you around, I guess." He turned to just the right angle that Sadık could catch his grin.

He only had a dumbfounded stare as goodbye while Herakles climbed the stairs back to street level.

Some time after this incident, Herakles gets a job as research assisstant at the local university. It's initially only for a project of the history facculty, but he's happy nonetheless.

Now that he knows Sadık enjoys literature, he tells the Simonides one time the topic crops up & they know of a regional literature club, who's holding public reading nights. Any author can show up and read their pieces for 10 Minutes to an audience. Omar tells Dilan, who knows that Sadık writes poetry. She thinks he should go and so after she bullied him into it, they do.

Sadık becomes a regular guest there and ends up meeting other literature enthusiasts, like the Beilschmidts. (He and Gilbert bicker a lot about what the other writes, both trying to take the other down a peg). Sadık never tells Herakles any of this.

So imagine his surprise when he spots him one night in the audience. Afterwards, he's torn between sneaking out and going straight up to him, but Herakles makes the decision for him.

"I didn't know you wrote poetry," Herakles finally broke the awkward stare-off.

"Well, now you do." Sadık closed his book and shoved it under his arm. With a grin, he asked: "You think it's good?"

Despite what followed, Herakles couldn't wipe the smile off his face: "I enjoyed it more than the other guy's crime story, at least."

Sadık gave a short bark of laughter. "Oh, you don't know half of it, Gilbert's been trying to make it work since forever. You got time for a coffee?"

So life's good. They're hanging out, they're working, they're pursueing their passions. One time, the heater in Sadık and Dilan's flat breaks and despite Havva trying their best to get it repaired and them a temporary replacement, they're freezing their asses off. So they go and visit their neighbours, who offer them to sleep over. Sadık is supposed to sleep on the couch. Dilan is supposed to sleep on a mattress in the Simonides' room. Both somehow end up sleeping in a Greek's bed instead. (Herakles has a really small room - his desk is even in the twins' room cuz it wouldn't fit in his own. Sadık asks if he wants coffee and they end up drinking coffee in his bed together and talk until they fall asleep.)

Life could be rosy. That is until one day, the Simonides get into real trouble with the landlord. You see, Natasa and Havva always had a tense relationship, because Natasa doesn't believe in playing by the rules too much, while Havva is a very organized person. However, now some things - like mayhaps Herakles living with them - have gotten directly to the landlord of the building and they're not amused. They threaten to evict them, unless Herakles is going - and want a hefty fine from the Simonides either way.

Getting a new home would mean severe financial strain, not to mention the fine. Omar and Thea may would have to pause or drop their studies. Herakles would have to go back to Greece and start from scratch.

Which he's willing to do, seeing how much trouble he caused the family, even if it breaks his heart. Natasa is having none of it - "I'm not sending you back to your son of a bitch, deadbeat dad, Iraklis" - and insists he stays.

Dilan and Sadık get wind of all of this and they're just as devasted as the family itself. They don't want to lose their neighbours. They don't want this to ruin Omar's and Thea's future. They don't want Herakles to leave. Sadık doesn't want Herakles to leave.

So he pleads with Havva to do something, anything, he'll help them do whatever it takes. Natasa is far too proud to do so. Maybe she even suspects that Havva had something to do with it. (They don't).

And through a lot of negotiation, bribery and running errands, the Simonides get to stay. Omar and Thea can continue pursueing their degrees in peace. Herakles gets to stay and keep working in Germany.

"You... You've spent your past weeks on this?" Herakles' stare pierced Sadık as much as it seemed to look right through him. His mouth hung open, jaw slack. "This was all your doing?"

Sadık took a deep breath, but had to settle for a rather unintelligent "Well, yeah." Herakles' stare unsettled him. He had never seen him at a loss for words before. He was even afraid the other might faint.

A heartbeat later, Sadık was afraid he might faint. Herakles had taken a step towards him, grabbed his face and pressed his lips onto Sadık's. It knocked the breath out of him.

His lips were soft. They were so soft and hot and melded with his own effortlessly.

He kissed back, hands on Herakles' face, fingers buried in the messy hairy. The pressure between them was right, felt right, made them one for a brief eternity.

It ended as abruptly as it had begun. They both took a deep breath through their nose and Herakles panted loudly as he exhaled through the mouthm He swallowed.

"Herakles, I don't think that that's an appropriate enough Thank you", Ibrahim said, but neither of the two barely even registered it. Natasa laughed. Loudly.

"Oh, no, I think it's more than enough," Sadık replied as he stared at the wall next to Herakles' head. His hands were still on his face. "Although..." Ibrahim and Natasa were talking in Greek when he faced Herakles again. She still chuckled while a grin stole itself onto his face. "I think I could go for a little bit more gratitude, after all we've done."

"Don't push it," Herakles warned him. Yet, his cockyness was rewarded with another kiss.

Sadık's tongue slipped between his lips effortlessly. As if it belonged there.

Like Herakles belonged here.

So... yeah! I hope you liked it!

[ask-spider-man-61610]

The Infiltration: Part One of Three

To say that two shapeshifters stood in the basement laboratory of a government building wouldn't be quite accurate. One shapeshifter stood in the basement laboratory. The other could more honestly be described as meticulously sculpted into shape. The particles that made up his body were arranged into the shape of a standing man, held in place by static cling, but that wasn't really standing. It was a rough approximation of standing, just like everything about Flint Marko was a rough approximation of a human being. He'd long since gotten used to the fact, but that didn't make it any less unpleasant.

The other shapeshifter, Reed Richards, leaned against a table that was great for projecting holograms but terrible for holding papers or drinks. Fancy and impractical equipment like this was one of the Cape Code Authority's most well-known features.

A third man stood in this laboratory too, off to one side. He was, in a way, the exact opposite of a shapeshifter. More on him later.

"I've taken some time to look into your request," Richards said as he tapped a few icons on the tabletop. "Here's the basics of my thoughts so far. A shell to house your nervous system and respond to electrical signals."

There was a sound like sand sliding down a dune before Flint began to speak. It had taken him a long time to relearn how to talk after becoming the Sandman; even now, it took effort to hold the shape of those granular vocal cords as he spoke in a deep and raspy voice. "Yeah. Y'said that last time, Doc. What's changed?"

Richards, in response, pinched an image on the tabletop and widened it out, his fingers stretching like rubber bands to expand the picture further. He raised his arm--he seemed to ignore his joints, the entire limb bending like a garden hose--and flicked one finger up, and a hologram rose out of the table's display to cast a soft white glow over the room. The hologram looked like eggshells glued to an Erector set, arranged into the shape of a bipedal form that lay on the table as if it were a stretcher. "What's changed is that I've done some research into actually making that shell. Take a look, I've drafted up a basic schematic for what it'd look like."

"And you decided it'd look like a Phantom?"

Richards snorted, but ignored the question. "The outermost shell is solid-light holography," he continued, making a vague swiping gesture through the air above the image. The eggshell faded out, revealing the bare animatronic beneath, which (judging by the sculpted face made of sand) Flint found even less impressive. Frowning, Richards looked down at the hologram again and added, "We could, given some finagling, calibrate it to resemble an actual human. But generating these 3D models is a pain, so I didn't bother."

Perhaps a more critical mind would have asked why, if 3D models were such a pain, they bothered to use holograms at all instead of pen and paper. But Flint's mind had never been an especially critical one; he was in no way stupid, but for all his life had tended to take things as they came. Instead he asked, "Is that why it looks like a Phantom? 'Cuz you're just recycling a picture you already had?"

"Not letting that go, eh?" Richards replied, the ghost of a smirk on his face as he glanced up at the Sandman again. He waved his hand again, and the computer misinterpreted his gesture and deactivated the projection of the suit. Rolling his eyes, Richards reactivated the hologram and said, "No. Well, partially. It looks like a Phantom because that technology is what a lot of my idea is based on. You see, what you're asking for is very similar to how the technology works anyway--an artificial support structure for a unique nervous system. The only difference is that your nervous system is two gallons of granulated silica, whereas the Phantoms are currently working with--"

And here he stopped, falling silent and stoic. His eyes, suddenly devoid of their smiling crow's feet, glanced Flint's way before his disgusting elastic fingers returned to typing on the touchscreen between them. The pile of sand, insomuch as it could, looked confused.

"What?" he said, in a voice like a seashell crushed underfoot on a beach. "What're the Phantoms workin' with? I thought they were just robots."

This was a common misconception, and Richards, like most of the Cape Code Authority, had a vested interest in upholding it. "Phantoms" were the colloquial name for Perpetual Holographic Avatar/Nano-Tech Offensive Monsters. Bipedal, autonomous drones with light weaponry, they were the foot soldiers of the CCA, the beat cops, the cavalry when an agent wanted reinforcement. They had been in development since the War of the Worlds had brought the Chitauri and all their technology to Earth six years ago, and some of the core technology of the drones was better kept unknown. What Richards had said threatened to jeopardise that secrecy.

The third man in the room chose then to speak. Stepping forward, his black cloak obscuring the entirety of his six-foot-plus form, he spoke with a voice that was digitally altered to be an octave deeper. "They are robots," he said, his white face mask moving like genuine flesh. "Their processors have a unique method of operation, though. They have some of the most sophisticated A.I. in the world, and their microprocessors are similar enough to a human's that it won't require too much tinkering to render it compatible with your...situation."

This was Scrier--or rather, a Scrier; one of many--and he was a champion liar. Nobody quite knew when he had joined the CCA or what level he occupied, but the executives of the organization seemed to treat him as a special case. He never answered distress calls, except to break up protests and strikes. He had no patrol routes, no assigned partners, and the only training courses he attended were the ones he taught--the ones about corporate rights and the agency's responsibility to them. Agents weren't allowed to try and investigate Scrier's identity. For all they knew, he was an undercover boss trying to hear his subordinates' opinions on him.

This was true, but it was a little more specific than that.

"Yes!" Richards said, gesturing towards the man gratefully. "Thank you, Scrier. I didn't know how exactly to put that. Yes, Phantoms run on a very human-like system. In theory, adapting it to suit your nervous system should be far easier than trying to create something out of whole cloth."

"I thought you were like a super genius," Flint said, sounding a bit annoyed. "You've invented flying cars and indestructible fabrics that let you go to space. You have yer own interdimensional portal. Why is this taking so much thought? Why does this need to be made out of other stuff and spit and prayers?"

Richards gave him a blank glare for a few seconds before sighing. "Okay," he said, leaning on the table. "First of all, I am a genius. I'm one of the smartest people to ever live, but that doesn't mean I know everything. I have to research and experiment. Any innovation, even one from me, takes time." He waved his hand again and the hologram vanished. "Second of all, remember: I'm doing this out of the goodness of my heart."

"You're doing this because that was my condition!" Flint shot back, and the pile of sand swelled slightly and grew almost half a foot. He raised his arms; granules fell from the sculptures and scattered across the floor. "That's what I said when I joined this stupid super-cop thing! I hate being the Sandman, Doc! You guys offered to give me this--this job of disrupting protests and taking down unregistered super-guys because your bosses told me you could make me...not."

He glanced down at his hands. And indeed hands they were; years of practice had let him sculpt the sand at the end of his arms into an incredibly realistic form, with perfectly jointed fingers. You could almost see what must have once been his fingerprints. But as he looked at them a small stream of sand fell from them to the ground.

"I'm not expectin' you to make me human again," he said. "But just...something that'll make me feel more human. Something that feels like a body." His features hardened again, sand dunes into sandstone. "If you're just half-assing that--if you're just giving me something that-that makes people treat me like a Phantom and that'll break in like a week--"

And here he stopped. There was more than just a salary that kept agents of the Cape Code Authority in line. You had a lot of wiggle room as a superhero registered under them: you could slack off on the job, you could issue arrests for what you were pretty sure was a crime, you could stop and frisk anyone you liked, you could be sure that the beatings you gave to unarmed suspects were graciously forgiven by your superiors. But one thing you couldn't do was leave. Quitting the CCA was a surefire way to bring the coworkers you had once trusted down on your head; no longer registered, you had no more immunity than a child experimenting with the most basic powers did. Nobody wanted to find themselves imprisoned in Complex 42--stranded inescapably in the Negative Zone, tortured by armed guards and experimented on to replicate your powers, only protected from the hostile, annihilating environment outside the prison by a few wafer-thin force fields. But that was exactly where Flint's line of thinking threatened to take him.

"...Forget it," he mumbled, defeated, and as he slumped down slightly his face and body lost much of its detail.

Richards stared across the table with an uncomfortable air. Glancing down at the table, he tapped a few keys on it and the hologram vanished. With one hand he pushed his glasses up, and then his arm stretched the five feet across the table and patted Flint's semblance of a shoulder.

"Look," he said. "I can't make any promises. You're...unprecedented, Marko. The only shapeshifter of your kind. I'm doing the best I can to help you. But if I can use technology we already have to do it, then I'm going to. You're not my only job in the CCA. But I'm working on it." He took his hand back, and then needed a second to brush off the sand that had come with it. "...It's getting late. We ought to call it a day, I need to head home."

"Have to convince Susan not to walk out on you again?" Scrier suggested, already heading for the door.

Reed just dragged his hand down his face, his features stretching in his grip, and didn't answer. His eyes were bagged and his posture tired. Instead he began to trudge towards the door, each leg bending like it was made of plasticine, and followed by an animate pile of sand.

The light of streetlights and storefront signs shone through the windows as the three of them stepped out of the laboratory. About ten feet away, a custodian looked up from the floor he was mopping and gave the trio a quizzical expression, but the only one who paid him any mind was Scrier, whose expression was hard to parse through the prosthetic mask. Richards and Flint just began to head the opposite direction down the hall.

"Hey! Scrier! Don't you have some skulking to do somewhere else?!" Flint called back.

As the door to the lab swung closed, the janitor adjusted his grip on the mop and looked back down at his work. Scrier, after a second more of staring, turned away and began to saunter off.

It was a long hallway. They kept walking for a good long while before they turned and were out of sight. And for all that time the janitor continued to mop and silently sweated, waiting for them to notice that the security cameras weren't moving like they usually did. Even when the three Cape Code Authority agents were gone, the custodian continued to work. He worked until the vibrations of their footsteps through the floor had faded into the background tremors of the environment. And even longer than that, until the buzz of spider-sense in the back of his mind had subsided slightly, no longer quite so focused on them.