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mendeshoney · 5 years ago

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Playing It Cool

This is for Sami’s @evansweaters 2K writing challenge! This was due forever ago but life unfortunately got in the way. However!!! I still wanted to finish it and share it, so I’m sorry it took me so long. I stole the title of this story from the Chris Evans movie of the same title, but the plot lines are not the same. Here’s 23 Google Doc pages of I don’t know what.

Prompt: fake dating AU + “cool girl” by Tove Lo

Shawn calls the only person he feels he can pull reasonable advice out of, and he picks up on the first ring.

“Hey mate! What’s going on?”

“Hey Niall. Just chillin’.” Shawn says. “I need your advice.”

“Sure, what’s up?”

Shawn talks about the upcoming gala. The one Andrew told him about months ago but is only thinking about now, when it’s two weeks away because if anything Shawn’s still a procrastinator at heart. Niall knows all about it since he was invited too, but he lets Shawn vent, knowing it’s clearly bothering him.

The Gala is heavily populated with who’s who and is supposed to help him with “the good kind of publicity.” It’s as messy and cringeworthy as all PR related events are, even if everyone who’s supposed to be there is invited on the premise of emptying their heavy pockets and helping charities.

“Half Blood Prince” plays in the background, calming his nerves as he speaks. Shawn focuses on the scene, watching Harry and Hermione weave through the isles of the library as they discuss Slughorn’s party. He tunes out the dialogue to listen to what Niall’s saying.

“What’s wrong with going stag?” Niall quips.

“Because apparently it’d be better for album promo if I went with a date.”

Niall hums in understanding. “Ah I get it. I’d offer to help you find someone but we run in the same circles so I’m not sure how well that would turn out.”

“It’s okay. Do you think I should have my team pick who I go with? Or do you think I should go alone?”

Niall makes a disapproving noise. “No dude. Find someone to go with yourself. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” He pauses, then laughs. “Sorry, I probably wasn’t much help.”

“No it’s alright.” Shawn says. He gives Niall his thanks before the two hang up, and he leans his head back on the couch, sighing deeply.

On his TV screen, something captures Shawn’s attention. “I’ll go with someone I like,” Harry says to Hermione. “Someone cool.”

And then, as if an answered to his unspoken prayer, his phone rings, your name and picture flashing on the screen.

“Sure.” You say simply.

Shawn blinks, nearly spills the sip of tea he was about to take all over his lap. “What?”

You shrug. “I don’t mind being your date to the party.”

“Gala,” Shawn corrects, mainly because he can’t help himself.

You roll your eyes at him in playful annoyance, taking a sip from your own steaming mug. That playful annoyance showed him a glimmer of that “cool girl persona” he knows you save for the public. It wasn’t cocky or rude, just your best defense mechanism to make sure nothing phased you. Shawn envied it.

Leaning forward on your elbows, you peer at him from across his kitchen island and Shawn feels thoroughly exposed under your gaze. “Gala. Fine. I’ll be your fake girlfriend for a couple weeks and your arm candy to whatever little glitzy shindig you want me to be at.”

He visibly winces. “It’s not like that.”

The hearty laugh that comes from your lips only calms him slightly. “Relax, Shawn. I’m just kidding.” He still doesn’t look convinced, so you reach across the counter and take his hand, squeezing it once. His skin tingles under your touch. “Honestly, it sounds like it’ll be fun.”

“It’s boring.” Shawn says. And he doesn’t know why he’s still talking because you’ve already agreed, but for some reason he feels like he needs to warn you about the type of environment these events can usually create.

“Dating you is boring? Or going to the Gala?”

“The Gala,” he says, fake wounded. “Dating me is not boring.”

You shrug. “Wouldn’t know, I’ve never dated you.”

“I’m not boring!”

You raise your brow at him in suspicion. “Why are you trying to talk me out of this when I already said yes like a minute ago?”

“Because I’m trying to give you fair warning.” Which isn’t completely a lie. Mostly he’s still shocked you said yes so easily. He had so many bribes up his sleeve.

“Shawn, you do realize we’re in the same line of business, right?” He nods. “And you do realize I was also invited to this ‘gala’ of yours.”

His eyes bulge out of his head. “You were? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I got the invite two months ago and I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to go, so I just left it with my manager. However, since you asked me to be your date so nicely…” You put your mug down and pull your phone out, Shawn assumes to text your manager so you can let them know you’ll be going as Shawn’s plus one. On instinct, Shawn gets his phone out to tell Andrew the same.

When he pockets his phone, you take a photo of Shawn with your own, smiling at his disgruntled puppy expression.

“What was that for?”

“Gotta play up the fake dating, don’t we?”

He blinks at you. When he doesn’t respond, you sigh. “Shawn. Do you know how fake dating works? Have you watched movies?”

Shawn shrugs. “I mean kind of.”

“Okay, your homework tonight is to watch all the fake dating movies from the nineties. And maybe ‘To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before’ because you desperately need it.”

“Is that the one with the Noah kid?”

You sigh again. “We have a lot of work to do. But first, what are the rules here?”

“Rules?”

“Yeah. Like are you planning on making out with me in public? Or are we keeping things PG?”

Shawn feels like he might faint.

He tries to keep his eyes on you, ignoring the many stares he gets as the two of you sit down at a booth, waiting for your friends. You have on your cool girl persona, the one he envies you for having, not paying any mind to the prying eyes all around.

He scoots in next to you, not paying attention when he almost sits on top of you. He apologizes, but his eyes are still on the crowd, and you know he’s in his head. His knee is vibrating and he’s antsy if the drumming of his fingers on your thigh are anything to go by.

“Hey.” You call.

Shawn’s eyes snap to you, and he gives you a small smile. You frown, seeing right through it and him. You grab his hand, stopping the drumming in your leg, lacing your fingers through his and giving it a squeeze. “It’s just you and me. Right? Nothing’s changed. Who gives a shit what anyone else sees or what they think? They don’t know.”

“Right.”

“And it’s only been two days.” You say, offering a small smile. “You gonna dump me already?”

“No.” He says with a small frown, squeezing your hand. “No way.”

“Good.” You say, nudging him a little. You give him a quick kiss just to be sure, in case he doesn’t already know. In case he can’t tell.

It distracts him enough, leaving him a bit speechless. At first you think you’ve overstepped your boundaries, but then he says “Is it bad if I want alcohol right now?”

You laugh. “I mean we are at a club, so realistically no.” You flag down a passing bottle girl and grab two shot glasses from the tray. You hand him one, and move to toast.

“To the glitzy shindig.”

Shawn laughs, clinking your glasses together before downing the liquid. He feels himself relax a little as he sets the glass down, and he smiles at you.

“Feel like doing body shots later?”

You smirk. “That’s my boy.”

It’s well into the night and Shawn is thoroughly liquored up - taking all the shots his friends offer and more to ease his nerves.

There were no body shots - thankfully - but Shawn got awfully handsy and close to it a few times.

He needed to calm his nerves and you knew letting loose would probably help him best, especially with everyone around. And it wasn’t like either of you had said anything anyway. Though the two of you arrived together, no one was around, and when your friends did arrive, no one suspected anything, and it wasn’t like it was odd for you to hang out with everyone either.

You’re out on the dance floor with everyone, illuminated by the flashing blue and pink lights, and Shawn watches you closely.

He’s lucky to have you.

As a friend, a fake girlfriend, all of it. He’s lucky you fit right into his life like this and lucky you agreed to be paired up with a guy like him.

Dark and grey in comparison to how bright and energetic you are, but he can feel your brightness wrapping its way around him as this arrangement progresses minute by minute.

He doesn’t realize he’s heading to you until he’s a few feet away, and you catch his eye, beckoning him to you.

When he’s in front of you, you place your hands on his biceps, giggling a little when he gets into your space, bodies pressed together.

Shawn bends his head down so you can hear him.

“What if I kissed you for real?” He says.

You shake your head with a laugh. “Shawn all of our kisses are real.”

“No, not when they’re in public.” He reasons. He’s drunk. You both know he’s drunk but the words just come out of him, and he knows you won’t stop him. “When you kiss me in public it’s not real.”

“Shawn, yes they are.” You try to convince him, but he shakes his head with a smile.

“No, it’s only real when it’s just us. Like when we got here. That was real. Would you let me kiss you for real at home?”

“When have I ever said no to you?”

His smile grows ten times wider and you smile in return. “I liked it when you kissed me earlier.”

“I think you’re a little drunk, Shawn.”

He wants to say he isn’t, but then the song changes and the bass gets stronger, and he stumbles a little. You and a few of the guys help haul him to the bathroom, just to be sure.

Niall soon becomes the only one outside of you and Shawn who knows. Mostly because it’s one of those rare occasions where you’re all in the same city for once and you invite him to join you and Shawn for brunch, and when you kiss Shawn on the lips absentmindedly, finally getting Shawn comfortable with the concept of PDA after what he called his “embarrassing stunt at the club,” Niall almost spits out his bloody mary.

And Shawn should have told him the minute you agreed, he just got so caught up in spending time with you that he forgot. Too wrapped up in your company and affection (albeit 50% of it for show) to remember to tell Niall to expect this for a little while.

“What the fuck was tha’?” He demands, pointing an accusatory finger at you both.

“The Gala.” You say. “Remember?” At Niall’s blank expression, you bat your eyelashes and put on your best innocent look, which you know Niall would never buy. “Shawnie here asked me to go steady, and I was so smitten I said yes!”

Niall gags. “So you’re fake dating?”

You kick Niall under the table, speaking quietly. “Ixnay on the ake-fae, alright?”

“It won’t work. Fake dating never works.”

“Because you’re an expert in fake dates, aren’t you Ni?”

“Why did you even agree?” Niall wonders, leaning forward. Shawn watches you and Niall share a look that Shawn can’t read. “You said you weren’t even going to the gala.”

“Well Shawn asked me to be his date, so I changed my mind.”

“Yeah, you can agree to be his date but why’d you agree to be his fake girlfriend? That part isn’t necessary, is it?”

You pout, leaning back in your chair. “I have my reasons,” you say mysteriously, before pulling the menu up to cover your face.

Shawn’s still sitting in his seat, stomach swarmed with butterflies at the tingling feeling in his lips, lingering from your kiss.

Why did you agree?

Shawn’s been to the SiriusXM studios a bunch of times, but he’s never accompanied anyone else, usually he just goes for his own stuff.

Today though he’s here with you playing the “supportive boyfriend” role.

Usually these things are pretty standard - an interview, a live performance with your song, and then a cover if you feel like it.

The first two have already gone by, and Shawn felt a lot of guilt at the fact that a majority of the interview was full of questions about him. You took it in stride, cool girl persona on full force for things like this, refusing to let trivial and pointless things get to you.

But still. He didn’t want your “relationship” to be the focus, especially when you had your own stuff to promote. He’d been waiting in another room with your manager and publicist, trying to do his best to hide away and give you the spotlight.

They had asked at one point, “how long have you and Shawn been together?”

And when you held steadfast, replying calmly and cooly that “We haven’t put a label on it. We’re just keeping it fun,” they accused you of lying, of being in a relationship with Shawn for much longer and just not wanting anyone to know.

You kept up your cool girl persona though, ice cold when you replied to them “This isn’t a nineties movie, we’ve never been in a secret relationship. Besides, what would I gain from lying about having feelings for my best friend?”

“Publicity?” They replied. “Stirring up the rumor mill.”

“Promotion?” Someone else had said.

“If I wanted publicity I’d do it on my own.” You said, an ice cold tone turning sickly sweet. “And neither of us need promotion. Shawn does fine on his own, and I’ve got nothing going on right now to promote anyway that I haven’t already talked about in the last six months.”

And realistically, Shawn knew it didn’t matter what they said, because you weren’t dating anyway, but still, they had no right.

“Relax,” your publicist had told him. “She can handle herself.”

Shawn knew that. He knew you could. But still. He wanted to run in there and shut the whole interview down.

“Besides,” your publicist said, “You’re not actually dating anyway. Once the gala’s over it all goes away.”

And Shawn didn’t like that thought either, even though he knew that as well.

He would probably need to address this with you at some point. Shawn didn’t want this to be some sort of transaction. He didn’t want you to feel like he only needed you for this and then it would be done. You were his friend before this and he still wanted you to be his friend after.

Going back to being “just friends” though was starting to seem more and more difficult.

The more he saw, the more he learned about you, the more he wasn’t sure if he was completely okay with this being fake.

He shakes the thought from his head and focuses on you.

You’re sitting at a piano, doing a cover of your favorite Sam Smith song, and Shawn tries his best to just focus on you. Besides, after you were out of this building, you’d both go back to the hotel to get ready for the Rangers game against the Leafs at Madison Square Garden.

Just what he needed to relax.

He watches as your fingers dance across the keys, eyes closed as you lose yourself in the music.

“This moment has caused a reaction

Resulting in a reattachment

Will you take me to nirvana?

I don't think this will last

But you're here in my arms”

Shawn realizes he’s always been intimidated by you, and maybe that’s why he’s been struggling with why you agreed to all of this in the first place.

Not that you’re an intimidating person, it’s just that you’ve always been confident in a way that he wishes he could be, and you’ve always been so calm and smooth, and he is not.

You’ve mastered your cool girl persona - from the casual eye rolls and ice cold tone all the way down to the “kill them with kindness and silence” vibes you give off to everyone who doesn’t know you. You’re a force to be reckoned with, a beautiful hurricane and Shawn can only bunker down and take everything you give him.

And really, he’s not your boyfriend, but sometimes he feels a little inadequate next to you. Like if you were really dating you’d be so far out of his league.

The whole thing is starting to confuse him. How easily you slip into the roll of being his girlfriend, how he loves how larger than life you are, and how natural it feels when you kiss him, like it’s right.

The gala was on the horizon, and he wasn’t sure if he was prepared for it to come and then pass, because then that meant not being on the receiving end of your hugs and kisses anymore.

Kissing you had quickly become his favorite. It took you awhile to convince him that it was okay - that you didn’t feel forced to do it and that you genuinely wanted to and didn’t mind kissing him. You also had to assure him that the little stunt he pulled at the club earlier was totally fine, and that every time you kissed him, whether in public or the little reassuring ones in private, they were all real and you meant them. And once you did convince him, he was all for it.

Although, he didn’t understand why you still did it when the two of you were in private, but he chalked it up to you just committing yourself to the deal. Maybe even just absentmindedly doing it because you forgot there was no one else around.

Of course, he didn’t mind it. You kissed him sweetly and it always made him feel warm inside. He liked holding your hand when you got up on your tiptoes to kiss his cheek, liked when you tilted your head up to ask him for a kiss and smiled widely at him when he gave you one.

Liked that when he was with you, your cool girl persona went away, that you stored it in a box and put it on a shelf and that all that was left was just you. Kind, sweet, adorable you.

It was...domestic? He thinks that’s the word Niall used. And he liked it. Liked you.

But, the part of you that intimidated him, the simple and matter of fact you, still scared him a little. Through the haze of all of your affection, he still didn’t get what was in this for you.

But he would eventually find out.

He has to fly out to Bali really quickly for a friend’s birthday, which meant your publicity stunt slash fake dating agreement would have been put on pause, but instead you just offered to tag along.

“I know I’m not your actual girlfriend, but I don’t mind buying Matt a gift and partying along.” You say. At Shawn’s blank expression, you frown. “Unless it’s a boy's only thing, then that I can definitely do without.”

“You genuinely want to come?”

You stare at him in that “cool girl” way, a way that makes him feel like he asked a stupid question. “What is it with you lately? Making sure I want to do things with you, like you think I’m just going to back out on you.”

It comes out harsher than you intended. Shawn knows because he can see the need to rephrase in your eyes. He wants to be honest and say “because I don’t know why you’re here even though I asked you to be and it’s scaring me,” but instead he asks “Why did you agree to be my fake girlfriend?”

You blink. For a second Shawn sees the calm and cool demeanor fade from your face, but then you frown, and Shawn doesn’t like the twisting feeling he gets in his gut.

“Because you’re my friend and you asked me to.” You say. ��That, and because we don’t really see each other a lot anymore, so I figured this would be a good way to hang out more.”

“You want to hang out with me?”

“Of course I do. Fake dating or not Shawn I actually like spending time with you.”

He sighs, letting his head hang and his curls flop in front of his face. “I just...I guess I keep asking you because I didn’t know what was in this for you. If you were getting something out of this too.”

Or if you were starting to like kissing me as much as I like kissing you.

“I get you, Shawn. And you get me.”

As if that’s not ominous enough.

““Because you’re my friend and you asked me to.” You said. “That, and because we don’t really see each other a lot anymore, so I figured this would be a good way to hang out more.”

That part is true. You missed him being around. Missed when he lived with you in Malibu when recording his last album. You’d become close then. And lately, not hanging out a lot made you miss his company even more.

“You want to hang out with me?”

“Of course I do. Fake dating or not Shawn I actually like spending time with you.”

Again, true. He’d been your friend for years. Why wouldn’t you like spending time with him?

“I just...I guess I keep asking you because I didn’t know what was in this for you. If you were getting something out of this too.”

Your heart aches - how could he think you’d be using him? How does he not realize how great he is to be around? Does he not see it? Does he not see you wouldn’t do this for anyone else?

Does he not see that it’s him?

“I get you, Shawn. And you get me.”

That was true.

Partially.

You’d get him as a friend, and he would get you and whatever he needed or wanted you to be.

When you agreed to this, you meant it that you’d do it for him. That you intended to do this to help him save face, get the promo he needs. You put on your cool girl persona to help him get the job done, but also to spend time with him.

You didn’t think those nineties movies would backfire on you.

And you definitely didn’t think resurfacing and strengthening you once buried feelings for Shawn would become part of the deal.

Bali went by quickly.

It was full of sun, swimming, hiking, zip lining, and sunset dinners on the patio of the villa you’d all rented out to celebrate Matt’s birthday.

Shawn was pleasantly surprised when everyone was so excited that you came along, loving spending time with you after not seeing you for a while. It wasn’t clear to your friends what you and Shawn were - you shared a room in the villa and they often caught you sneaking kisses with him sometimes, even blatantly kissing him a couple of times - but to them it didn’t really matter. As long as Shawn was happy they didn’t care.

One of the last nights you were there, you were absolutely tired after a day of swimming at the beach and hiking one of the nearby trails with some of the girls. Shawn had showered after you and had come back into the bedroom to find you fast asleep.

He crawled in beside you like he’d done the past few nights, expecting you to turn over and keep a polite distance like you’d tried to since you got there. But instead, when Shawn got in bed you moved closer, hand resting on his chest and nuzzling his arm.

Too scared to wake you, he lifted his arm and pulled you into his side, feeling a tingle up his spine when you intertwined your legs together.

He fell asleep like that, the warm weight of you against his side.

When he wakes in the morning alone, he almost feels empty, but then you come into the room with two warm mugs of tea and a small smile on your lips. “Hi there, sleep well?”

He nods, sitting up to accept the mug as you sit by his side. “Sorry if I hogged your space last night.” He knows you’re only saying so to make sure he wasn’t upset, but he was the farthest thing from upset.

Shawn shakes his head. “I didn’t mind it.”

You reach out and rest your leg on his thigh, smiling over the rim of your mug, the Bali sun casting shadows behind you and Shawn thinks he might be in trouble.

Shawn comes back to his apartment one day fully expecting to be alone. You two had hung out earlier in the day, watching movies together on his couch, then you made grilled cheese and tomato soup for lunch before he had to head to the studio for a writing session. You were napping on his couch when he left, and he woke you for a brief moment, just to tell you he’d be back later and give you a kiss on the forehead. You told him that you probably weren’t going to be there when he got back.

But you were.

The minute he walks through the door he smells a million delicious things all at once, and while he can’t figure out what you’re making, he knows it’ll probably taste divine.

He shuts the door behind him, the sound alerting you to his return, and you call out, “Oh my darling husband, is that you?”

Shawn laughs, turning into his kitchen and holding his arms out in a flourish. “Yes honey, I’m home!”

“Well come here and give your wife a kiss hello!”

He approaches you and eyes the pots on the stove, pressing a soft kiss to your cheek. “What are you making?”

“Well I figured I’d put my fake girlfriend skills to use and make you dinner. Plus your couch was comfy and Whole Foods delivers now so it was the obvious decision.”

“And on tonight’s menu is?”

“Turkey chili with brown rice and sweet jalapeno cornbread.” You answer, lifting the lid on one of the pots to stir the rice. “The cornbread is almost done. And I made chocolate covered strawberries for dessert.”

Shawn gapes a little. “All this and I didn’t get you anything.”

You laugh, leaning up and kissing his chin. “I told you Shawn. I get you, and you get me.”

He still doesn’t know what you mean by that, but he thinks he’s starting to figure it out.

You’re both back in LA for the Gala. It’s days away at this point, and Tiffany insisted that the two of you do a joint fitting.

“If you’re going to pull this off you both need to look like royalty.”

She handpicked a simple silk gown, the color a deep royal blue. It fits you in the ways you prefer and makes you feel exactly like Tiffany intended - like royalty.

“All you need is a set of pearls maybe.” Tiffany says. “Or a simple chain. Gold. Maybe a signet ring.”

You both look at Shawn for his input, but the rosiness in his cheeks and smile on his lips says enough. You smile back, turning back into the dressing room quickly to calm the heat in your own skin.

When you emerge back out in your jeans and tee shirt, Shawn’s already in his own dressing room. Tiffany pats the seat beside her and you sit, talking about the upcoming gala and your thoughts on what color heels you should wear.

Your conversation halts when Shawn opens the door to his dressing room, stepping out with that shy look on his face.

“My little James Dean.” Tiffany praises, standing immediately to fuss with the fabric and make necessary adjustments.

Shawn looks…

Well, he looks like he always does - handsome, princely, sweet and kind and gentle and charming. But to you, he looks like the Shawn you’ve always known him to be.

The dictionary definition of divinity. A man with the kind of boy next door charm that could decimate the hearts of millions with one quirk of his lips. Aphrodite’s long lost son. The holiest creation you think you’ve ever seen.

Everything he wants to be, but already is.

The royal blue fits nicely on his recently suntanned skin - a good sign that having Matt’s birthday party in Bali was the right choice.

All he needs are shoes and he’s practically ready for the runway now.

“What do you think?”

Shawn’s voice snaps you out of your thoughts, and you look up from his suit to find him and Tiffany looking at you expectantly.

Tiffany’s smirking at you, but Shawn just smiles, a little bashful under all the scrutiny. “Think I can hang with you in this outfit?”

You school your expression and put on your cool girl persona for a brief moment.

“I think you’re a little out of my league on this one Shawn.” Your admission brings his rosy cheeks back full force, and he bites his lip to keep from smiling. “You look handsome.”

“My little James Dean.” Tiffany repeats.

Shawn’s eyes meet yours and you both smile. You want to reach out and hold his hand, want to go up and kiss him and tell him how gorgeous he looks like this.

But instead, you take out your phone and snap a couple of pictures. Not to post, like you say you’ve been doing lately. No. These ones are just for you.

They’ve all mostly been just for you. Other than the one you took on that first day in his kitchen, and one you took of you, him, and Niall on that lunch date.

They’re for you because you want something to remember this by. Something to have when the gala is over, the agreement ends, and the dust settles.

Something to have when it all goes back to normal and he’s not yours anymore.

When you remember he was never yours.

The Gala is everything he expected it to be and more.

Held at the most expensive hotel in the city, it was nothing short of expensive and exclusive. There’s a red carpet, a paparazzi walk, a few interviews, the standard - but the noise he’s used to isn’t the noise he gets. He forgot your little fake dating stunt was causing national headlines, sparking all sorts of gossip and attention.

The minute you two stepped out of your limo you were met with deafening screams, people shouting at you both for pictures and autographs and statements. You both took time for pictures with fans and then went through the motions before being led inside and to your tables.

The first part of the gala was in a ballroom set up to look like an award show. There was a fancy dinner, a few speeches and awards, and Shawn was shocked to find out he was receiving an award for the Shawn Mendes Foundation. He didn’t even know he was nominated, and definitely didn’t realize that that’s why they invited him in the first place.

When they called him up to accept his award, he stood up to acknowledge his team as per usual, but then he turned to you and felt his heart stop.

Your cool girl persona you put on for the red carpet was long gone and stored away, and you were looking at him with the biggest smile on your face, like you were going to burst with joy. It made him smile too, and he took you by surprise by putting his hands on your cheeks and pulling you in for a kiss.

He’d never been the one to initiate a kiss. It had always been you. But this one, just this once, he needed to do it.

Call it a thank you. Call it a selfish, stolen kiss. Call it him finally drinking in some of your confidence and boldness he always hoped to have.

Call it love, maybe. Appreciation.

But it nearly made you both buckle at the knees.

His acceptance speech was short and brief, and he made sure to acknowledge the people who helped and inspired him to be part of change - including you, who challenged him to be bolder and confident and to speak up.

“You’re confident in a way I desire to be, and hope to be, and you teach me just how to do that every day that I’m with you. I am incredibly thankful to have you in my life.”

It made sense to thank you. To say what he did.

Because he meant it and because it was the truth. Because maybe asking you to be his fake girlfriend was the best thing he ever did. He always felt like finding that person would make him a better person. And it’s true, because he realized he found it with you.

But as you watched him, as you listened and heard what he had to say, you couldn’t help but feel like it wasn’t true. Like you didn’t do anything to help him or deserve the credit.

You agreed to this selfishly. Maybe you didn’t see it before, but you did now. You didn’t challenge Shawn to be bolder or more confident. You didn’t help him speak up. He did that all on his own.

You didn’t deserve thanks for a damn thing.

You started to feel like a fraud. Like you didn’t belong. Like you shouldn’t have agreed to any of this. Now you felt like you were taking advantage of Shawn, and you swore to yourself you’d never be that person.

Everyone clapped and cheered and so did you, keeping the same smile on your face. But when Shawn left the stage and his team got up to go and greet him backstage, you found yourself stuck to your seat.

Andrew came around the table and pulled you up. “C’mon, we have to go grab him.”

“Andrew I don’t think-”

But he wouldn’t hear it - he whisked you away and you were suddenly very aware of all of the eyes in the room.

Once the formal portion of the gala was over, a reception was being held in another ballroom next door.

Mostly just cocktails, more food, but also the chance to mingle and rub elbows, secure donations to charities.

Shawn was shocked when several executives came up and offered him extremely generous donations to his charity, and thanked them profusely for it.

It was all becoming overwhelming, and he needed to find you to calm down.

You’d gotten separated at the beginning of the reception, Shawn being whisked away by various people, and you’d perched yourself at one of the high top tables in the room so that he could find you easily later on.

But that was almost an hour ago and he lost sight of you.

He starts weaving through the crowd and back towards the doors of the ballroom, knowing your table was in that general vicinity.

Shawn finally spots the blue of your dress and sighs with relief, kindly moving past people to get to where he sees you talking with someone. He’s just a few feet away when someone cuts in front of him, obscuring his view of you.

A blonde woman stands before him, chest pushed out in her strapless gown and a demure smile on her lips.

“So you’re the fabulous Shawn Mendes my daughters always tell me about.”

He laughs nervously, his eyes flicking up to you to make sure you haven’t moved. He calls to you in his mind, begging you to look over and see him. “I suppose I am.”

“Well it’s fabulous to meet you, handsome.” She says. He’s sure she introduces herself, but Shawn misses it because you finally glance in his direction, but you still don’t see him.

“I’d love to make a donation.”

At that, Shawn tries to go into business mode, putting on a polite smile and trying his best to give this woman his attention, but it falters when she says “Maybe we could discuss the amount over champagne? Even dinner, perhaps? I have a room tonight, if you’re interested in negotiating.”

He immediately tenses, an itchy feeling crawling up his spine. He backs away from the woman with a tight lipped smile and a curt “No thank you,” finally crossing the few feet to get to you.

Shawn wraps an arm around your waist when he reaches you, pulling you to him. You excuse yourself from your conversation with Tiffany, raising a curious brow at him. “You okay?” You ask lowly.

He nods, “I wasn’t flirting with her.”

Confusion. “What?”

“That woman over there.” He points to where he left the woman, and you spot her immediately.

Mostly because she’s staring daggers at the both of you.

You turn back to Shawn, laughing a little. “Oh, well that’s good to know.”

Shawn’s brows furrow. “You’re not...mad?”

The smile that graces your features is dazzling. Shawn doesn’t know whether to swoon or be scared. “Why would I be mad Shawn? You can flirt with who you’d like. We’re not actually dating.”

Oh. “Right, well,” he falters, not really liking your response, “No one else knows that though. You’re still here as my date and my girlfriend.”

“That I am.”

“So I don’t want to be rude.”

You laugh again, leaning into his side a little more. “I’m sure that’s not possible Shawn. You don’t have a rude bone in your body.”

“But we-”

“It’s fine, Shawn.” You insist. “We don’t have a label. It’s just for fun.”

“We haven’t put a label on it. We’re just keeping it fun”

He feels like he’s been punched in the gut, his body yanking him back to that interview, to the guilty feeling he had the whole day for dragging you into this. Did you feel that way too? Have you felt this way all along?

Was he really so blind and caught up in your affection he thought you were being genuine? That he didn’t realize all of this was fake?

Did you put on your cool girl persona for him too?

Niall saunters up then, cutting off Shawn’s lack of a response.

“There are my two lovebirds!” Niall says, pulling you both in for a hug. “Congratulations Shawnie boy.”

“Thanks man.” Shawn replies, still looking at you. But you’re looking at Niall now, expression unreadable.

“Bet you two are happy this is all over with.” Niall says.

“Yeah.” Shawn murmurs. “Happy.”

“The night is still young though gentlemen.” You say, grabbing your champagne flute. “There’s still more elbows to rub, pockets to drain and such.”

You stand then, patting them both on the back. “And noses to powder.” It’s a joke, they both know, just you making fun of the snotty rich people in the room. You dismiss yourself to the bathroom, and Niall takes your seat.

“You alright Shawn?” He asks. “You’re looking a little pale there.”

“I think I made a mistake, Niall. A big mistake.”

Radio silence.

It’s been weeks since the gala ended, and after you both left that night, you kissed Shawn goodbye at his place, one final goodbye on the lips. You thanked him for asking you to do this, thanked him for a great night, then told him you’d text him and that you’d see him soon.

Except you didn’t. He waited for a sign from you for days. He texted you himself and asked if you were still in town. Asked if you wanted to hang out.

He sent you a picture of the dress and accessories you wore, asking if you wanted Tiffany to send them to you. He even sent you a picture he’d taken of you in the limo, bright eyed and dazzling, saying you could post it if you wanted.

Nothing.

Not a single word.

And it was making Shawn angry.

He caught wind that you were back in Los Angeles from Niall, who was working as a double agent. Allowing you to confide in him and allowing Shawn to be privy to some information.

Shawn told Niall that night at the Gala that he had feelings for you. That this whole fake dating thing didn’t work and wasn’t working because it wasn’t fake to Shawn anymore, and he didn’t want it to be fake to you either. Niall told Shawn then to man up and say something, but he didn’t. He couldn’t.

He didn’t know where to start. And then you disappeared on him.

So after nearly a month of not hearing from you, he flies to LA and drives straight to Niall’s place. Niall’s already got beer waiting and he also took the liberty of making Shawn dinner, trying to calm his friend’s nerves.

Shawn spills his heart out about everything. About how you were the one who got him through the whole scenario, about how you went above and beyond even though you didn’t have to.

About how not hearing from you has been driving him insane but how it’s also been breaking his heart before he even had the chance to give it to you

Niall said “So tell her. What’s so wrong with that?”

“Because I don’t think she feels the same. She said something just now...something she said in an interview. That we’re just having fun, and-”

“Well you were.”

Shawn shook his head. “No. You know how she is with the public? That persona she puts on?”

“Shawn are you drunk?”

“I’m serious! When she acts like she’s cool, when she puts on that confidence, that like, uncaring air about her...” He trailed off, trying to explain it but Niall remained unconvinced.

“Shawn...I’m going to say this because you’re my friend, but honest to God I don't know what you’re talking about.”

“You don’t see it?”

“No. I don’t. I know when she deals with the public and media and stuff she puts them in their place if they deserve it. Like tonight - she’ll act all blase but that’s because of where she is. I mean look around! This place is full of snobs. But that’s warranted stuff. I’ve never seen her put on an act or change her personality for anyone or anything.”

Shawn went quiet.

“You think she was being that way with you? Like it wasn’t real?” Shawn nodded, and Niall sighed deeply. “You know she would never do that. She wouldn’t have agreed to help you if that’s how she was going to be.”

“Then why hasn’t she talked to me.”

Niall leveled him with a look. “Because it wasn’t fake to her either. She might have played it cool, but I guarantee you she feels the way you do.”

Shawn sighs, staring at his phone and wishing for your name to show up on the screen. “So what am I supposed to do?”

“You know. One of the boys asked me this once and I hit him over the head with a bag of chips. But because I like you differently I’m not gonna do that.” Instead, Niall pulls out his phone, typing off a quick text.

He panics, staring at Niall, who’s still typing. “What did you do?”

“I told her you’re coming over and that you’ll be at her place within an hour. And I just texted you,” Shawn’s phone vibrates in his pocket, “her address. Which gives you enough time to stop off at a store for candy or flowers or chocolate or whatever apology thing you want to give her, and then still get to her house on time.”

“What am I even going to say?”

“That fake dating is dumb, Niall is right, and you think you might be falling for her.”

Shawn narrows his eyes at his friend. “You’d better not write a song about this and put it on your next album.”

“I won’t.” Niall promises, “You know why?”

“Why?”

“Because you’re gonna do it yourself.”

Shawn’s pacing in the driveway of the house you’re staying at for your time in LA. He’s got a bouquet filled with purple tulips, baby’s breath, lavender and eucalyptus in one hand, and he’s gesticulating with another, going over what he has to say in his head. He’s so distracted and panicked that he doesn’t notice you open the front door and lean against the frame, watching him with amusement.

You take pity on him after a few more minutes of watching him pace, calling out “Why’d you thank me in your speech?”

He stops in his tracks, nearly jumping out of his skin. “Holy shit!”

“You didn’t have to thank me. I didn’t do anything.”

Shawn frowns. “You did a lot. You did more than I ever asked you to do.”

“But I didn’t deserve to be thanked. I didn’t help you or your charity.”

“I didn’t even know my charity was part of it!”

“Well I didn’t help you either.”

“But you did.” He says, taking a couple of tentative steps closer.

“All I agreed to was to be your arm candy.”

“Then if you were only arm candy why’d you kiss me? Why’d you make me dinner and come to Bali with me?”

“You’re lucky you’re cute, Shawn.”

“Don’t patronize me. Don’t play it cool like this isn’t exactly what you and I think it is.”

You narrow your eyes, crossing the distance and throwing your arms out. “And what exactly do you think this is?”

Shawn drops the flowers and grabs your face, pulling you in for a searing kiss. He feels your arms wind around his waist and pull him closer, and his lips part a little, giving you the option to take control.

You don’t though, which takes him by surprise. You open up beneath him and suddenly he’s very aware you’re both in the driveway of a family neighborhood, and he backs off.

“This isn’t fake.” You admit, hanging your head a little. “It’s never been fake.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” He does everything he can not to whine about it, placing his finger under your chin, begging you to look at him, to see him.

“Because I didn’t think that you’d-”

“But I do. I do.”

You look at him then, and you see him, and you smile. “I do, too.”

“Then will you go steady with me? Make a donation to the heart of Shawn Mendes?”

“Depends.” You say, a small playful smirk on your lips. “What do I get in return?”

“I get you.” Shawn says. “And you get me.”

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes x reader #shawn peter raul mendes #shawn mendes writing #shawn mendes imagine

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i-make-random-song-parodies · 3 years ago

Text

Congratulations - Procrastination

This is a parody of “Congratulations” by Pewdiepie (Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg), Roomie (Joel Gustaf Berghult), and Boyinaband (David Paul Brown).

This parody is in honour of my uni exam results. Two years ago, I was one of the top two achievers in my course (I have no idea who the other person was or which of us did better), and this year, due mainly to mental health and procrastination, I was 3% away from actually failing a module. Enjoy the song!

♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪

Yay procrastination, lack of motivation, I have things to do but I’ll keep on waiting Yay procrastination, lack of motivation, Getting nothing done is getting real frustrating

Yay procrastination, there’s no explanation As to how I ended up in this damn situation You read a sentence, very nice! And all it took Was a week of staring aimlessly into your uni textbook

You used to be the last To fall behind in class But suddenly you’re struggling to even get a pass Didn’t think you’d fail? Well you’d better think again Get used to your grades being below forty percent

If I don’t stop procrastinating, I will keep on failing To stand a hope in hell of passing I’d have to start cheating For legal reasons that’s a joke For legal reasons that’s a joke For serious, uni exam board, please don’t fail me, that’s a joke

Mum and Dad, I’m sorry ‘bout my grades, you’re the best But your support alone couldn’t make me pass my test I tried really hard for you, but now I’m out of luck It’s just a grade, I mean for real, who even gives a f-

Yay procrastination, lack of motivation, I have things to do but I’ll keep on waiting Yay procrastination, lack of motivation, Getting nothing done is getting real frustrating

Procrastination Procrastination (got nothing done all day) Procrastination Procrastination (wasted a whole day)

Got an email from uni, hmm, what is this I need to find a topic for my project real quick If I put this off then by next year I’ll do a presentation On a topic I don’t know or care about, like integration

Choose a topic right away Please not integration Really wanna have a say, Please not integration Put it off for several weeks, just couldn’t get it done But hopefully my topic won’t be GODDAMN INTEGRATION

Chores aren’t getting done any time soon, no clean clothes I’m just sitting watching re-runs of my favourite shows Maybe one day soon I’ll finally wash some dishes Or maybe that’s just me making unrealistic wishes Never mind the chores, people, I just wanna sleep in Just here to stay in bed and ignore all the housekeepin’ I can’t remember the last time I had a shower But that’s a problem that can be put off another hour

So this is it, thanks for sticking with my blog Ever since a couple weeks back, you’ve read my dialogue Yea this is it, I know it’s a tragedy But we’re nearing the end of the congratulations parody

I hope that you’ll stay by my side through all the gain and loss There’s no people in the world I would rather give me kudos It’ll be a wild ride, so before we end the verse I just wanna let you know ….. my parodies will only get worse 😊

Yay procrastination, lack of motivation, I have things to do but I’ll keep on waiting Yay procrastination, lack of motivation, Getting nothing done is getting real frustrating

Procrastination Procrastination (got nothing done all day) Procrastination Procrastination (wasted a whole day)

Procrastination tumblr! We do it! Hope all that time-wasting doesn’t severely affect the rest of our lives!!!!!

♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪

Hope you enjoyed! Please feel free to send me parody requests, and I’ll try to write more songs for y’all… if I can stop procrastinating long enough to do so!!!

#congratulations #pewdiepie #pewdiepie congratulations #boyinaband #roomie #parody #parodies #song parody #song parodies #procrastination

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dgmagines · 5 years ago

Note

Could I just get fluff for the main 3 with a huge amount of cuddles??

Thisis,, sorta related? But here’s a cuddle imagine Min wrote three years ago ft.Kanda!! if you wanna read that owo

Oh!! and gentle reminder that askbox is open for another 3 days so don’t forget to send your stuff, aight? Now on with the ask!! It got lowkey long so I’m gonna put it under read more, okay? q w q

Allen

Itwas no secret that Allen got cold rather easily. It also wasn’t a surprise toanyone when they saw him clinging to someone to leech off of their body warmth-especially in the colder months. What did surprise them, however, washow needy he got whenever he wanted some warmth – especially if itinvolved a certain (h/c) who, as of this moment, was trying really hard to focuson their paperwork.

Theycould hear Allen whining their name, half asleep as he pressed his body closerto theirs in what was probably a poorly executed attempt to get them to stopwriting– oh, and also to steal some of their body warmth as well. He’d alwayscommented about how they were basically a walking furnace – a comment whichthey took as a compliment, albeit a weird one – and would always cling to themin the winter months so this was to be expected.

_______ glanced towards the pouting boy,smiling softly when he grumbled out invitations to sleep and mumbled cursestowards their report for the nth time that day. He’d been at it for the pasthour now, clinging and pawing at their arm with his blanketed hands, determinedto detract their attention from the stacks of papers whose deadline was still aweek ahead.

“Youknow you could just go to sleep first, right?”

“Andfreeze myself to death?! ______, I didn’t know you could be so mean!” Allen’soutburst caused the young (h/c) to bust out laughing, prompting him to huffat their reaction. As if to prove his point, the teen shook his hands loosefrom the thick blanket, leaning forward and wrapping his arms around his partner’sabdomen. He snuck his hands under their shirt, grinning at the surprise yelpthey let out as his frigid fingers made contact with their skin.

“Allen!Get those zombie hands off of me or I swear to god-!” The white-haired maleshook his head ferociously, pushing himself closer to them until he could feelthem tethering to the edge of their seat. He grinned, a mischievous glint inhis eyes as he rested his chin on their shoulder.

“Noway! I told you I needed to cuddle for warmth!!” Any attempt they made to tryand push him away was met with him tightening his arms around them, pressinghis cold hands to as much skin as he could before his hands warmed up. _______groaned, leaning heavily against him so that they wouldn’t fall off their seat.

“Okayokay!! Fine, I’ll cuddle! Let go of me already!” ______ finally relented andthe smile on Allen’s face felt like they were staring right into the sun. Theyflicked his forehead, a pout of their own settling on their visage as Allenwhined. They turned towards the table, Allen groaning and whining when he sawthat they were clearing their things at a really slow pace.

_______laughed.

“You’relucky I love you,”

Kanda

Warm.

Thatwas what Kanda thought as he burrowed his face in their chest, pulling themimpossibly close as he felt himself drifting in the realm between dream andreality. He heard a low chuckle of amusement coming from his partner, hiseyebrows furrowing as the sound pulled him out of his dream.

“Whatsfunny-?” he mumbled almost incoherently, parting from their warmth just a tinybit so that he could tilt his head upwards to glare at them. A mumbled ‘goodmorning’ and their lips pressed to his forehead made Kanda huff, his eyesnarrowing in slight dissatisfaction before he assumed his previous positiononce more.

He could feel his partner running their handthrough his hair, fingers massaging his scalp ever so often. That, paired withthe soft humming of a song he didn’t recognize, was almost enough to lull himback into slumber.

Almost.

“Yuu,aren’t you going to get up anytime soon?” ______ hummed, hands pausing theiraction in favour of gently patting his head, prompting him to lift his faceonce more. Even with how unfocused his gaze was due to being sleepy, hecouldn’t miss the soft smile that was etched on their lips, warm (e/c) eyesstaring back at him.

Heblinked.

Andhe almost let out a whine at the thought of leaving his bed.

“DoI have to?” if one squinted hard enough, they could see Kanda’s lips forminginto a slight pout and ______ had to hold back the ticklish laughter thatthreatened to bubble from their throat at the sight. How and when had thegrumpy swordsman they all knew and loved turned so soft?

“Hmmwell I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to,” they paused, pressingtheir lips to his forehead once more before grinning cheekily at him.

“Butyou promised to check on the plants before leaving for the mission, remember?”Kanda grumbled a few choice words under his breath, brows furrowing as heremembered the promise he had sleepily made before they collapse into eachother’s arms the night before. Curse his sleepy self!!

Theswordsman was silent for a few minutes – mainly because he was trying tocalculate how much time he could afford to procrastinate on the plant checkingand reporting for the mission – before he finally responded-

-bypulling the blankets higher and pulling them closer.

“’slater. I still have some more time,”

Lavi

Itwas quiet in the Order that day, which was rare considering the amount of,,,,unique,,, personalities that lived under the roof. Lavi could hear someoneshuffling about in his room, their murmurs not quite reaching his ears as herolled over and pressed a pillow to his face.

“Pleasebe quiet,” he groaned when he heard the clatter of something falling to theground, a frantic apology reaching his ears a few moments later. The shufflingnoises continued for ten more minutes or so, all while Lavi tried to drift offinto dreamland to no avail.

Hesighed, aggravated at his own brain for keeping him awake, and reached across thebed- only to find the other side empty.

Ah..That would explain the noise then…

Thered head rubbed his eyes as he lifted himself from the confines of his bed,blanket falling from his chest to pool around his waist. A single emerald eyesquinted in the dim light of his room, the only source of light coming from alit candle a couple steps away from on the work table.

“________?”he called for his partner, wondering where the heck they were when theyshould’ve been in bed with him. Not a minute after he uttered their name, thelovable (h/c) poked their head into the room, smiling apologetically at him asthey stepped inside and closed the door behind them.

“DidI wake you?” they sat beside him on the bed, a hand coming up to pat his hairdown as if it’ll soothe his unruly bedhead. Nonetheless, Lavi leaned into thetouch, closing his eyes as their fingers ran through the strands of his hair.

“No.But I couldn’t sleep without you either,” they laughed at his barely concealedwhine, pressing their lips to his forehead before gently pushing him back inbed.

“Apologiesmy love,” even in the dim lighting, Lavi swore the small smile they wore ontheir lips was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. “I was restless andcouldn’t sleep after a dream I had,”

“Whatkind of dream?” he asked, voice taking on an almost childish tone as his eyesbecame heavy once more. He could barely pick up the scent of the burning candlethey had used, the smell slowly lulling him back to sleep.

“It’snothing to concern yourself over, Lavi,” they smiled and before they had achance to move away from him, the boy grabbed hold of the sleeve of theirshirt. He looked up at them with a pout on his lips and a sleepy glare in hiseyes – which only made ______’s heart pick up pace because they thought he wassimply adorable.

“ButI wanna knoooooow,” he mumbled, whining even as he was slipping into sleep.______ smiled, gently prying his fingers off of their sleeve, blew out thecandle, and climbed into the bed next to him. He immediately turned and wrappedhis arms around them, burying his face in the crook of their neck as theylaughed from how ticklish his hair was.

“Buttell me while we’re like this… I wanna be warm,” _______ ran a hand through hishair, the redhead making himself comfortable in their embrace. With a smallsmile on their face, they parted their lips.

“Alrightthen,”

#anon #imagines #allen walker #kanda yuu #yuu kanda #lavi bookman #lavi bookman jr #lavi bookman jr.#dgm #d gray man #d.gray man #d. gray man #dgm hallow #okay but like my little sister is watching the animation i wanted to watch and uGH #its highkey distracting #its only on the third ep and its already sO GOOD #my country really upped the animation and story telling for their series in the past year and i'm tHRIVING

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queenie-in-the-beanie · 5 years ago

Note

If you get this, answer 3 random fact about yourself and send this to the last 7 blogs in your notifications, anonymously or not! Let's get to know the person behind the blog ♥️

1. In middle school, I acted in two plays

I took theatre classes all throughout middle school but never auditioned for the school plays until 8th grade.

Despite botching my audition, I ended up playing the parts of multiple side characters in this cheap ass play. Because I played multiple side characters, I got to do multiple things like:

Fake punch a kid

Pretend to lie dead on the groud

Pantomime zombie fighting

Have a valley girl accent

Be very sarcastic and sassy while wearing a pig nose

Be a homophobic jock

Struggle to fit all my uncontrollable limbs into sleeves during costume changes

As I wasn't a total failure in the first play, I decided to also audition for the next play of that year. The auction went better than my last one but honestly if it had gone bad I probably would have still gotten some part because middle school theatre casting standards are lower than my IQ

I was originally cast as this character who would be pied in the face and had a name I couldn't pronounce or spell. But then some girl had to drop out of the play early on so I got recast as the main fucking character.

I acted okay and didn't forget any lines onstage despite having the memory of a goldfish for my own life. Plus I cried a lot in the bathrooms during rehearsals because it was middle school. Fun times.

2. I won a Writing award with a cash prize and trophy on accident

An assignment in my 8th grade English class was to create some kind of piece for the annual theme of the city's school district writing contest. The assignment itself was graded and could be submitted into the contest but didn't have to be.

I had procrastinated on writing something until the night before that writing was due. Me being me, I quickly wrote up a poem in a couple minutes and turned it in.

A couple days later, the teacher calls me up to the desk and has the audacity to ask if I would like to submit my poem into the contest. I said yes although I honestly thought it wasn't going to win anything.

A coule weeks pass and the winners for our school are announced over intercom that morning and I fucking hear my name.

I had gotten second place in writing for my whole school. What the fuck.

Now the three winners from each of the middle schools would have their work judged against the others and maybe a month later the top three middle schoolers from across the district would go to present their work to the judges in person so the final placement could be made.

Now, I thought I was just and only going to win for my school but definitely not be the top three.

So anyway I got to present my procrastinated poem in front of the judges and a while later was placed second in writing for all the middle schools in my district. On top of that, I got to be handed a trophy in front of a large ass crowd plus a real check for a 150 dollar cash prize.

Moral of the story: my school district is full of bad judges, idiots and any writing career I have peaked in 8th grade.

3. I was in Speech Therapy for more than 8 years

Ever since kindergarten, I had had a speech impediment but mainly struggled with the letter 'R'. Kids would come up to me on the playground and be like:

Dumb Kids: Say 'ring'

My ass: Wing

Assholes: no, no, no, no! RING

Me, trying my best: Wing!

That would go on for a while until they got bored and left me alone. Despite all the bullies, I didn't really care about pronouncing anything correctly because I figured that if people can figure out what I'm saying anyway then what's the point in me correcting myself.

But then I got to middle so I had a new speech pathologist who would give me candy whenever I talked right so guess you eventually graduated out of speech therapy in the middle of 8th grade? This candy motivated bitch did!

Anyway now whenever my impediment rears its ugly head and someone notices, I'll lament loudly about the "EIGHT YEARS OF SPEECH THERAPY I SUFFERED UWU" like the over dramatic gay I am.

((If you wanna learn more about the fun, stupid and random shit I've done, first off, learning is for nerds, secondly, you nerds can send me asks whenever because I 👏 am 👏 bored 👏 as 👏 hell 👏 and 👏 like 👏 to 👏 talk 👏 about 👏 myself))

#queenie talks #asks #theatre #speech therapy #writing

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self-indulgent-stories · 5 years ago

Text

Found Chapter 1: The Beginning of Something Dangerous

ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21767074/chapters/51934681

NEXT CHAPTER CLICK HERE

Second year in college was already Hell. Lotor, a Political Science major with a minor in Humanities, walked across campus to greet his loving, albeit aggressive, long-time girlfriend Allura with her usual cup of coffee and a kiss on her forehead. She sits, studying aggressively, in the library at a table. Lotor takes this moment to smile fondly, watching his love. Lotor had been in love with her since they were mere children and he considered himself lucky when Allura accepted his affections in their second year of high school. He sighs in content, sets down her coffee in front of her and kisses her forehead.

“Good morning, my love.” Lotor says with a smile. Allura grunts in acknowledgement, continuing her writing. Her white hair was tossed up in a messy bun, the sunlight kissed her tan skin. If people were not aware that they were a couple (hardly anyone did not know as they were The Power Couple), they would be mistaken for siblings. Same white hair, same tan skin. The only difference was that Lotor had deep sea blue eyes that were nearly purple and Allura had sky blue eyes with green around the edges of her pupils. “Now, when is this due and how late did you stay up?” Lotor chuckled, sipping on his coffee.

“Today, in” Allura finally pauses to glance at a clock, “forty minutes. I have not slept at all, so the coffee is a Godsend. Thank you Lotor.” She sighs with a soft smile. Lotor feels relief wash over him as she smiled. He thought for sure this would be one of Allura’s bad days and nothing could cheer her up, not even him. Though this was just a narrow miss. Anything could go wrong today and that would put her in a foul mood. Hopefully he would know just what to do when the time comes.

“May I ask, how long did you procrastinate on this one?” Lotor probed cautiously. The last thing he needed was to be the cause of Allura’s bad day. His job was to be a loving and caring boyfriend that considered only Allura’s feelings, tossing aside his own for her wellbeing.

“Oh, not that long, maybe a week or so?” Allura said idly, going back to her work. Ah, so about two weeks then. Lotor could have joked that he had done this long before the due date, mainly cause all his obligations had nothing for him to do (which was extremely rare), but that would definitely irk her. Lotor checked his vibrating phone. It was a message from Makenziel, his roommate and closest, if not only friend.

“Who’s that?” Allura said, glancing towards her boyfriend for a moment. She already knew the answer, but she allowed Lotor to tell her himself.

“Makenziel. He was just wondering if I was busy later. Told him I was probably going to be tired. Have quite a few meetings today after class and then I’ll be with you all night.” Lotor cheered. Allura rolled her eyes, sighing under her breath. Lotor chewed on the inside of his lip. That might have set her off on the wrong side.

“Good. I want to cuddle tonight. You’re sleeping on the couch.” Allura said, continuing to write. Okay, not so bad. Just the couch tonight. Lotor would sneak out in the wee hours of the morning and go back to his apartment and rest peacefully there. It was not like Allura cared; she never liked seeing him early in the morning. Ah, look at the time.

“I’ve got to go, Princess.” He said, kissing her forehead. “I’ll see you later.” Lotor said, which was met with no response. Lotor paused, pursing his lips together for a moment. “I love you Allura.” Lotor said softly. A grunt of approval from Allura. Defeated, Lotor slunk to his class with a sigh.

Hours and hours of classes, nothing but sitting and listening to others. Lotor hated going to class, but he needed the attendance. He should have taken the online classes, maybe next semester. Lotor could have taught the course to himself and passed, in fact that was practically what he was doing. It was difficult juggling physical classes and strenuous academic clubs as well as Student Government, but somehow Lotor did it. He stops by his apartment to drop off his unnecessary things and notices Maken’s ribbon on the handle. Ah, he was working, better be quiet.

Maken laid in bed, moaning occasionally as a customer that he did not know personally did what he wanted with him. Maken was cute, but he really was not feeling this particular customer today. They had been at it for 45 minutes and Maken had not even gotten fully hard. This was boring, this customer was boring. He was hard to look at too. He was the type to fuck and leave without any type of real foreplay. He looked up at the other smiling softly more as a reassurance of the others performance despite his apathy toward it. Nothing for Maken to look at, nothing to feel strongly towards, just nothing. With a few more thrusts, the other came leaving Maken grossly unsatisfied and underwhelmed. He wondered what Shiro was doing later. At least Shiro knew how to turn him on and fuck him silly. Once the man pulled out, he gave Maken the money. “You’re short $20” Maken said as he counted the money.

“Oh, shit, sorry.” The man said, putting on his shirt and pants and handing over the other $20 “Thanks for a good time.” He said with a soft smile, leaving the room. Maken smiled softly, at least he was sweet. He would have to work on his sex game, but someone would snatch him up for sure, at least if they did not care much for looks. Maken quickly stuffed the money in his wallet and with his cute panties on rushed out after him.

“You need some practice. You’ve got a good base, so I can teach you how to be a proper top.” Maken said, leaning against the side of the door. The man scanned Maken’s body, feeling heat lick at him again.

“I’ll be coming back soon. Same price?” Maken nodded and was surprised by a soft kiss before the man left for real. Maken’s tan cheeks flushed from the sudden gesture and closed the door. He walked past the kitchen, where Lotor took a long sip of his coffee while looking directly at Maken, which made his blush grow to the tips of his ears. He immediately grabbed the blanket on the couch and covered himself.

“Didn’t have a good time, Angel?” Lotor teased. Maken was undeniably gorgeous, long curly black hair, sunkissed tan skin, big chocolate brown eyes that reflected topaz in sunlight, long eyelashes, pouty kissable lips and a body like a dancer. Of course he looked like a dancer, he was one. And a singer, and a musician, and did art too. If it had anything to do with art, and creating something, Maken was all over it. If Lotor had not loved Allura as much as he does, he would have most definitely snatched Maken up and if Lotor had not been such a faithful man…well, Maken would not have to be trading sex for money.

“Well, he’s not much to look at and he lacks experience, but he seems really sweet.” Maken said, grabbing a mug and pouring a cup of tea. “So someone would really like him, especially once I teach him properly.” Maken smiled. “I thought you weren’t coming back. At least not until the wee hours of the morning like usual.” Maken tilted his head cutely. Lotor’s lips twitched upwards into a soft, fond smile. His closest friend was such a cute man. It did not help that he was shorter than him. Not by much, but still. Lotor stood at 6 feet 3 inches, where Maken was a mere 5’9.

“I was dropping off my things before I accompany Allura for tonight. I believe that she may be a little upset tonight. She put me on the couch just for mentioning that you had texted me just to be aware of my schedule.” Lotor shrugged with a sigh. “She’s become so touchy lately…” He said forlornly.

“She thinks I’m going to steal you away from her, despite you two being together for four years without you cheating on her once.” Maken scoffed into his mug as he finished off his tea, tossing it into the sink. “I’m saying this as your friend Lotor, but you really need to pay attention to how she is treating you. I am very worried. What she does…it’s not normal.” Maken says. “You come home with black eyes and welts on your body and face.” Maken touches Lotor’s shoulder. “She’s beating you and you keep going back to her. I understand, I’ve gone through it before. I just hope you can get out like I did.”

Lotor looked down, phantom sores of all old wounds tingling under his skin as a reminder. He wrapped Maken in his arms gently, taking a small comfort in their intimacy and friendship. “Tonight is tame. Hopefully nothing goes horribly wrong.” Lotor half forced a smile. “I’ll be fine, I’m sure.” Lotor whispered. “I’ll be off. Don’t want to be late, lest that be another tick on her list for the day.” He continues with a sigh, grabbing his keys and heading out.

Maken watched after him, taking the blanket off. For the longest time, he had been in love with Lotor. Lotor was smart, kind, funny, handsome, and most of all, extremely caring. Everything Maken could dream of in a man. But of course the perfect man had to be taken by someone undeserving. He sighed, the loneliness getting to him. Then his phone rang. It was Shiro, his favorite customer. “Hi, hun~ the usual?” Maken asked. “Good. I need a little pick me up. Maybe, my favorite can cheer me up? I’ll see you in a little while~” Maken, with a small smile, hung up the phone and spent his time tidying up the apartment and cleaning himself up for his next appointment.

#lotor #prince lotor #lotor/oc #lotor/male!oc #not for lotura but yall can read i guess #just dont go getting crazy #idk how many chapters ill do #first chapter is up #second chapter is on the way and boy does the drama start

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heartcravings · 6 years ago

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50 Questions Tag!

@jongin-be-my-jagi tagged me for this a while ago, but I took my sweet time to answer. Here is my secret intel if you want to know me a little bit more!! Check hers as well, she’s an amazing writer and friend. 1. What takes up too much of your time? Tumblr, my stupid procrastination prone brain and my thesis.

2. What makes your day better? Friends and loved ones, music and these absolute dorks (Channie especially)

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today? I hopped on the mat today in the early hours of the morning, rain on my window and the neighbours cat peeking at me from his window across the street.

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? Wonderland, bacause it’s “curiouser and curiouser!”

'Who are you?' said the Caterpillar. Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I — I hardly know, sir, just at present — at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

5. Are you good at giving advice? I think so. Not so good at following my own advice though. I do always consider where the other is standing and if I don’t know how to proceed then I’ll just be honest and say I can’t help. But i’ll always listen with my heart.

6. Do you have any mental illnesses? Not diagnosed. I do think i might be going through something now.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No, but i have a recurring nightmare: the world is made of black and white paper thin layers. I am a paper thin person walking along a street surrounded by paper thin buildings. I walk for a long time, looking up at the white sky. Until the street ends, there is no more building and i fall into the abyss of a blank page. I have had this dream since the age of 8 or 9 years old. Fear of not being good enough, you say?! Ding, ding, ding!! We got a winner in the back! 8. What musician inspired you the most? I get inspired by music all the time!! One of my all time favourite songs is Spanish Sahara by Foals. Its sublime!

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So I’d say I’m mainly inspired by these artists: Queen, Arctic Monkeys, Foals, Radiohead, Bowie, Daughter, Bob Dylan, Beirut, Yeah yeah yeahs, Arcade Fire, The National, Joy Division, Blur, Warpaint, Gorillaz, Sufjan Stevens, Bon Iver, Chet Baker, The Cure, Courtney Barnett, The Maccabees, Car Seat Headrest, Florence + The Machine, Editors, Kasabian, Crystal Fighters, Death Cab for a cutie, The Doors, Efterklang, Explosions in the Sky, Franz Ferdinand, The Horrors, James Blake, José Gonzalez, Los Campesinos!, Metronomy, Nick Cave, Nina Simone, Patrick Watson, Phoenix, Sharon Van Etten, The Shins, Simon & Garfunkel, The Smiths, St.Vincent, The Strokes, Toro y Moi, tricot, Tune-Yards, TV on the radio, Unknown Mortal Orchestra, The Vaccines, Vampire Weekend, The Velvet Underground, The War on Drugs, Wild Beasts and Yo La Tengo.

And the electro, pop and hip-hop groves of my heart: EXO, 2NE1, Janelle Monáe, Big Bang, Kris Wu,LCD soundsystem, SBTRKT, Childish Gambino, Frank Ocean, Kendrick Lamar and Daft Punk.

And special mentions to the portuguese ones (learning from yixing and promoting when i can :P): Capicua, Joana Espadinha, The Legendary Tigerman, Linda Martini, Mayra Andrade, Noiserv, Ornatos Violeta, Paus, Samuel Uria, You Can’t Win Charlie Brown and The Silence 4. I know, tldr right? Sorry folks! 9. Have you ever fallen in love? Yes I have. I have mistaken a crush for love too. But i have definitely been very deeply in love. A wrecked kintsugi heart over here people! 10. What’s your dream date? I don’t think I have one. I’d love to do something unique with that someone special, something special for the two of us. It could be as simple as riding the subway while sharing earphones & listening to our playlist or walking the dogs out! Idk, I’m easy to please. But right now it would have to be with this handsome man :D pretty please?!

11. What do others notice about you? I am very kind and warm hearted, so I think that’s what people first notice when meeting me. Although I maintain good eye contact, I am also timid and will be quieter if there are very energetic people in the group. When alone, I usually take the first step and try to meet people, but only if i really must. 12. What’s an annoying habit you have? It’s really hard for me to ask for help. I also like to tell detailed descriptions of everything... Couldn’t you tell? 13. Do you still talk to your first love? I’ll text him on his birthday and he does the same to me. We met when we were 10 years old and that childhood friendship remains. But regarding my one and truly deep relationship, no we do not talk, unless we randomly meet.

14. How many exes do you have? I have three exes. The first love who was just an idealized crush on my childhood friend: we dated for 2 weeks during summer break xD Then my first real boyfriend, we met in my first year at university, dated for quite some time, he really loved me and made me love myself a little more. Finally the one i loved too much. I mended his wounds and made him love himself as much as I did. I always say all the love we feel makes our hearts grow bigger. I do not regret loving any of them, I am me now due to them and I would not change it if I could. 15. How many songs are in your playlist? I have way too many playlists for each and every mood... But my favourite songs list on spotify has about 1500 songs! uwu! 16. What instruments can you play? Triangles and flute?! I had mandatory music classes in school... so in reality I can’t really play a instrument...

17. Who do you have the most pictures of? Probably my cat, Sushi. With a second close of my doodles and sketches.

18. Where would you like to go before you die? EVERY WHERE!!! But I really want to go to Japan and Scotland and Iceland and South Korea and New Zealand and i’ll shut up. 19. What’s your zodiac? Capricorn. 20. Do you relate to it? Sort of.

21. What is happiness to you? You know when it’s really cold outside in the winter and you manage to find a sheltered place where no wind can hit you and you still get to feel the warm rays of the winter suns on your skin? You hear the birds outside and you are contempt in that moment, at peace. That is happiness to me. 22. Are you going through anything right now? Yes, I am a bit lost. Trying to finish my thesis and trying to find what I want to do after. It’s liberating but also pretty scary. 23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? It’s a series of small decisions really. It started with going for a phd with the same people i worked in my msc. Should have gone to a different place. Then deciding to come home after a traumatic loss in the family. Should have kept my life going but I stalled it then. (I don’t regret helping my loved ones though).

24. What’s your favourite store? Probably Wishtrend for beauty stuff. Other than that I don’t have any favourite brands/stores. 25. (HALFWAY!) What’s your opinion on abortion? I think everyone is free to decide what they want or need to do. I couldn’t possible judge. If I would it? Probably not.

27. Do you have a favourite album? I don’t think so, I have favourite tunes for different moods and moments in my life. But if threatened with my life, I’d maybe say Total Life Forever from Foals.

28. What do you want for your birthday? It’s such a long time until my birthday comes! But maybe a real EXO ot9 reunion as a goodbye to Minseok?

29. What is most people’s first impression of you? Friendly and easy to open up to, i think.

30. What age do you seem according to most people? In real life, people usually think I am way younger than I am. 31. Where do you keep your phone when you’re sleeping? In the crook of my bed, between the mattress and the bed frame.

32. What word do you say the most? No idea really! 33. What’s the oldest age you’d date? 40s? I don’t think too much about age actually.

34. What’s the youngest age you’d date? 20s? Again not very important to me. Love is love, whomever, whenever and wherever <3

35. What job / career do most people say would suit you? I don’t know! People always say i don’t totally fit in anything... so there’s that. If you have an idea please let me know! 36. What’s your favourite music genre? Go back to question 8. I listen to everything! :D 37. If you could live in any country in the world where would it be? I’d like to live around the world, every few months a different place and get to know different cultures.

38. What is your current favourite song? I’ve been obsessed with RM’s intro/teaser song, Map of the Soul: Persona. (I’m not even a bts fan, but this music and lyrics just touched me a lot.)

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39. How long have you had this blog for? I think for about 6 years? It’s my personal space, where I dump all my obsessions.

40. What are you excited for? I’m visiting some friends in Granada in a couple of weeks. Yay, tapas!

41. Are you a better talker or listener? Normally I am a better listener. But there are a few people to whom i open like a book. Either words flow right out of me without even thinking or they see throw me. Those truly are my people.

42. What is the last productive thing you did? Prepped meals and cleaned the kitchen. Open the folder and file of my thesis. Read the latest chapter I wrote. 43. What do you want for Christmas? Well, just like for my birthday, there is still such a long time to it! But let’s say i want to have already finish this part of my life and want to find my next adventure.

44. What class do you get the best grades in? No more exams! Ehehe! But I used to have good grades at everything. Physical Education was my lowest mark i think.

45. On a scale of 1-10 how do you feel right now? Right now, a 4? I have a headache.

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years? Smiling? :D I want to be happy in my own skin. To feel contempt in my life, doing something that gives me a sense of purpose and having time to share and enjoy with my friends and family. 47. When did you get your first heartbreak? Oh my kintsugi heart has been broken quiet a lot. By friends and lovers and even by myself. I keep patching it up with gold dreams though. 48. At what age do you wanna be married? I will only want to be married if i find the one. So until then I guess.

49. What career did you want to have as a child? I wanted to be an astronaut and a ballerina. Preferably both!

50. What do you crave right now? Just sitting somewhere and listening to Yeol play the guitar.

Well i finished it! :D I’ll tag @thedeviousdo @ohsenhun @hongseok and @paepsi. I’d love to read yours! Feel free to dismiss it though, it is quite a lot. Lots of love everyone!! <3 <3 <3

#50 questions tag #personal #sam's ramblings #mutuals #hope you enjoy reading about boring old me :)#it's very long i know! i talk too much

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orderuponthe99prettygrimmdiaries · 6 years ago

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CNY 15th 🐷

After days weeks of procrastination, I’m finally writing again! Wanted to write last month but got a little too overwhelmed with everything, and then wanted to do it for the start of Chinese New Year, and now it's already the last day of CNY 😅

So much happened over the past few weeks, considering it's almost 2 months now since my last post.

From a temporary position, now I'm officially a full timer. Last time I wrote about this, I was nervous as heck about it. Honestly I've only finally started easing into the fact that now I'm a full time staff there. And technically back then, I wasn't really sure if I was converted to full time or just that my probation was over (all thanks to my mom adding to the confusion).

But, the road leading up to me easing into this wasn't so simple. Since I was first offered the new job scope, it took about a couple weeks before my colleague actually gave me anything, and during that entire period, I had so much contemplation of leaving, but I felt like that would make me seem impatient.

Anyhoo. I held on. I waited. Finally came the day where my colleague started showing me the ropes, well the 2nd part of it at least, which was to supervise and tally our orders (we're also supposed to do the ordering based on sales and all). I definitely wasn't into it, and I openly admitted it to her, that I doubt I would be staying long there as this isn't really a job I'd like to do.

And then it got a little more dramatic cos she told the boss, thinking that I WAS going to resign. This also made me doubt my other colleague who I had also confided into, and I'm just glad I found out the truth. (Man you can't trust people sometimes) Well basically I found out through my colleague in charge of Human Resources, cos the boss got her to talk to me, wondering if the reason I'm planning to leave is due to the relationships there. I assured her that it was just the job scope.

The more I thought about it, the more nervous I was that after I left the company without doing anything related to what I wanted to do, I would become more out of touch and then no one was going to hire me. I know people always talk about going for your dreams and all that, and that’s something I truly believe in, but I also didn’t want to have to make my parents worry about me. But despite everything, I still wanted a job that I loved and won’t make me dread waking up every morning.

Fast forward a week later, she came to talk to me again. Funny thing too, it was right after I took a day off for CNY spring cleaning, which I took the chance to call my counsellor since she checked in with me the day before. Perfect timing too, one of those overwhelming days, and it really helped to talk to her. Definitely missed our sessions. Spoke for almost 30 mins while I was home and my dad was outside my room, so he might have heard some stuff (definitely sounded different speaking to her vs at home) and he did mouth "who is it" but I definitely still didn't feel very comfortable telling them about this side of me. Not yet.

Back to my convo with my colleague, she explained that apparently there was some sort of miscommunication during our previous meeting with the bosses. Apparently my new job scope wasn't just gonna be logistics and paperwork, they wanted to give me some offline marketing stuff to do too, especially since they know that's what I've studied and that's where my passion lies. We talked for a bit, this time a little more in depth so there won't be any more misunderstanding. She clarified that I won't just be doing ads and I'd still have to do the logistics part, since that's the part they'd mostly need, and those ads definitely won't be done all year round either. She/they also want to let me try out designing, but the thing was there's no one else there that can do designing, so I gotta figure it out myself.

And, so, they gave me the weekend to consider if I was okay with this plan. It was hard, especially when she mentioned that she wishes I would promise to stay for a year or two, as I learn and gain experience doing this. It definitely freaked me out. 6 months already sounds pretty long, let alone a year or two.

I discussed it with so many people - my parents, my trusted inner circle, and again, my counsellor. I finally made my decision and agreed, but on my terms, which of course, I wouldn’t promise to stay a year. I told her I’d do this as long as I felt I was still doing something fulfilling, something that I love, or well, like. She said that was alright and she wouldn’t mention that to the bosses, since what they mainly wanted to know was if I was staying or leaving.

Well, so I guess that’s that for the work part of my life. It’s the last day of Chinese New Year already, which I already said at the start. Dang, this post is long. But man, time flies.

CNY had been pretty great. Got to drive both mornings to my uncle’s and aunt’s, and it wasn’t too bad. Of course, I still can’t park hah. Still a lil awks with my cousins, but we did take quite a bit of pics this year too. Speaking of, I finally made my first insta post. It’s been.. maybe a year or two since I created Insta, but I’d been waiting for a perfect moment for my first post. Was meant to be like with my future boyfriend relationship, but God knows how long that’s gonna take.

BUT, for the first time this Valentine’s, I’VE GOT A DATE. Withhhh... THE CAST AND DIRECTORS OF CAPTAIN MARVEL! Brie Larson, Samuel L Jackson, Gemma Chan, and directors Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck came to Singapore for V day!

Honestly when they announced the event, I was super excited, but then after hearing that you had to register for the tickets, I thought it’s likely I wouldn’t get them since Marvel fans can be so hardcore. But turns out, on the afternoon of registration day, there were still tickets, and I decided to go for it. Is this considered a spontaneous decision? It kinda sucked that I went alone, but at the same time, it felt good to go out alone for once. Didn’t get to get pics or autographs on the red carpet, but UFFF, breathing the same air as them and getting a great spot to see the event. Gotta say, I really love (AND MISSED) fangirling. And hey, I guess all that standing at work helped built my stamina to stand for hours. Definitely couldn’t feel my legs (or arms) after the event, but surprisingly, it was much better the next day.

Really hope I’ll get to attend the one for Endgame and Far From Home, at least I’m expecting we’ll get to have similar events for these 2. It’s definitely gonna be wild for Endgame. UFFFFF, I AM SO EXCITED FOR IT. Pretty sure I text my friend about it at least once a week 😅

And speaking of friends, though some people or one can still be an asshat, I’m really glad with how things are working with the rest of them. The few I speak to daily without fail, and others, weekly. Uffff, I really appreciate each and every one of them SO. DAMN. MUCH.

And surprisingly, I am, well, was, keeping up with my goals and working on my languages. Much inspired by those friends. Managed to keep up a one-month streak there, but then failed eventually because of being busy for CNY. Still very proud of myself though. Hopefully i’ll get back the momentum to it and then be able to attend one of those Duolingo meetup seshs!

I guess that’s the update for now. Oof, this was real long. So much for procrastinating. Looks like I might still be able to keep up my monthly post goal. FINGERS CROSSED. Anyway, much love to everyone, especially anyone who actually bothered to read through the entire post.

#chinese new year #post of the day #work #family #life #friends #goals #2019 resolutions

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k-bloggs · 6 years ago

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Have an embarrassing read at something i tried to write a couple years ago. back when i was happy lol

My First Blog. – 20/11/16

Okay, so here goes. This is my first ever attempt at anything like this really. I have written before in many different formats and styles but I don’t know what’s come over me lately but I feel inspired to write again and I know as well as anyone else this isn’t a typical feeling that comes along every so often so by fuck I am gonna’ grab it and take a chance and see where I end up. I literally just unlocked and locked my phone again there because I’m trying to have a proper focused dedicated mind to attempting this. I’m not even too sure what I’m supposed to do in a blog, what even is a blog? I don’t know but I know that I’ve wanted to start making a journal of things that are going on in my life but due the fact I am extremely lazy this may be very seldom so the next update could be quite a while so don’t expect anything too frequent.

Like I said I’m not even too sure what I am meant to be doing or how I am even meant to go about it, I am a firm believer in the fact that writing doesn’t have to be performed or practised in any particular way. That there is essentially no wrong or right way in how it is carried out or laid out, but I feel like I just want to do something a bit more productive with my life from now on. A long childhood friend has recently started doing animations and making his own videos and uploading them to YouTube and to be quite honest they are great, its so great to see something like that, the thing about Ryan Is that our friendship took a bit of a standstill when we were kids must have been between the ages of 8 and 10 at least. Ryan and his family were emigrating to New Zealand and as a kid yeah you see this as a big thing but you don’t realise the likelihood of seeing them as often is completely and utterly abolished due to the fact you have no idea how much it would cost to fly out there. Ryan must be around 18 or 19 now and I just turned 20 there this year, and its great to see we still have so much in common, to just spit it out and be clear after seeing that this is what he into it kind of inspired me to get back to what I love doing. I love writing. I’m not so much of a reader which is the weird thing, again all down to my laziness, if a book doesn’t get my attention within the first paragraph or so I find it very hard to stick with it or even go back to it if I do manage to finish a chapter. The same applies for the likes of articles and campaigns and any form of literature really. But I thought hey you know what it’s about time I started doing what I love and even more its about time I start love what im doing.

Just to be clear, this year has probably been one of the biggest milestones of my life. I finally did it, I finally got a girlfriend. Fuck. It’s still weird even saying that, so yeah I will leave the ultimate love story of the century to maybe the next blog or edition whatever the fuck you want to call this. This is mainly just for me to get to grips with the style that im going to write in, if I do choose to carry on with this (Which I feel like I will). If anyone reads this yeah, awesome im happy someone out there is reading my stuff but to be honest this if for me as much as it is for anyone else out there. I want to see what I can do and if this really is the best time to get back into writing, basically one side of me is saying yeah what the hell go for it you need something like this but at the same time as there always is, the polar opposite emotion of just fear I guess? Not wanting to pick something up again only to go off my track record and drop this 5 minutes later like I do with everything else? But hey its 7.15pm on a frosty Sunday night in November, what else am I going to do? Sit, procrastinate and wish I had of done something useful.

Not that im going off track because essentially there isn’t much to this article its just me spamming a lot of stuff down so who ever reads this can kind of of get a grip of where I am right now in life and basically why I’m doing this. So here goes, I dropped out of college for last week. For the second time…

Yeah im officially a two time college dropout, nothing t be proud of I assure you, but im just waiting for the opening credits to roll ad realise im in the first scene of a really shitty coming of age movie where im the older brother your parents don’t want you to turn out like.

But yeah, I left school at 16 and went to a technical college, basically an establishment which offers a-levels to people who didn’t get back into school or else didn’t want to go back to school. I studied a 2 year course in creative media production and honestly it was awesome, it was so fucking cool and the course didn’t have that many uninteresting or boring areas, but yeah you guessed it I was lazy didn’t do any of the work and just took advantage of the whole independent learning aspect of it and never bother showing up for class plus a whole pile of other steamy shit went on that year that we are just not gonna discuss at this moment in time. But coming towards the end of the second year when the course was gonna finish and In a couple months after that I would figure out if I got the grades to get into the uni of my choice I asked my teachers if they would be wiling to let me come back and repeat the second year of the course. They were more than happy to, they gave me exactly what I needed, a fresh slate and a chance to correct myself, and you know what happened? Yeah your right I totally blew it and fucked up again just hated the thought of working or studing in media for any longer. Like I loved making short films and writing screenplays and everything I even liked some of the assignments but basically I had it in my head I didn’t want a career from this anymore due to the fact it was something I loved so much and it was basically kicking my ass all day, all fucking week long. The only thing that got me through that repeated year of college was the girl of my dreams and we weren’t even going out yet. But as said before there is more to come with her, she deserves the whole word so the least I can do is dedicate one sole piece of writing to me and her and our story, truth is there are not enough words in the world to even begin to describe who she is and how she thinks and works and even jus to describe how she came into my life, yes a combination of letters on a page or screen may work for some people but no, not for her. This girl is a queen from another realm, she is a princess from a faraway kingdom, she is an angel from heavens further and beyond the highest clouds. She is the love of my life and that is the only way to explain her and who she is. But getting back to the educational fuck ups In my life, here goes the explanation to how I arrived here, 5 days after dropping out of another course. This time I was studying IT, you know trying to go down that route of career, thinking of my future and what not? Yeah that didn’t go to plan either, I basically rejected a full time promotion on good money and I hadn’t regretted anything as much in my life. Basically college was another fuck up and let’s just say I managed to get out and finished a bit earlier this time rather than waste my own time and anyone else’s. Plus, if I carried on with these next two years that would 5 years of studying A-levels just for me to be a whining little bitch about how I didn’t want to go to university. I am just at the stage of my life now, not where I am considering moving out and settling down but some things don’t appeal to me the same as they used to. Going to uni and living and experiencing that independence in life and finding a career path and devoting the rest of my life to something I may not even be happy at? Na, no thanks not for me. Not at this moment in time anyway. For right now I’m happy enough to keep my eyes and ears open for what all jobs are available for me and what foot to put next in front of me. Get a couple extra pounds in my pay check each fortnight and you know that might do for year or so. Maybe get back on the studying boat in a year or two and carry on with the IT. That is, you know if I don’t become like a stereotypical copy of a character you would expect to see in a ‘Community’ reboot.

I was watching a clip of Jim Carey giving a speech a couple of days ago and basically what I got from it was that he had returned to his old school or college or university or whatever in order to give a commencement speech or he was receiving his award or something anyway not really vitally important. What is important is what he said in his speech, basically his message he was getting across as in most motivational speeches, is the reinforcement of using fear to help you rather than to put you off, accepting fear and accepting that no matter what you will fail, but that’s okay and if it wasn’t for the fact that accepting it you wouldn’t have the drive to reach for greatness like so many greats have done before you, whether they have made it to great fame and fortune or if it was just the regular girl from a small town who made a life and career for herself because it’s what she wanted to do. Anyway, Carey says, “You will only ever have two choices, love or fear. Choose love and don’t ever let fear turn you against your playful heart.” Basically what Carrey is telling us here is to embrace fear, don’t avoid it, stare down the barrel of its gun charge at it and conquer it, but never let it conquer you, never let fear become the objective always make sure it rises no more than an obstacle in your course, a mountain you must climb or a hurdle you must leap over. Defeating fear is never the final piece of the puzzle. Like walking in a straight line, you put your left leg forward and then do exactly the same with your right, repeat until you arrive where you need to be? Well, fear is that first big step. The first big step into a new world and a new environment and mind set and who knows what it’s going to throw at you. But you need to remember that it’s there to make sure you don’t triumph in whatever you set out to do, but you can’t move forward without taking that step. Then comes the next step, failure. And as stated before yeah, your gonna fail, your gonna fail and you’re going to fuck up and mess up and trip up, over and over and over again, this is the repetitive steps the same as walking that we take to go in a straight line, the same works with this. Without taking the same repetitive bullshit same old story steps in life, we will never reach the finish line that is success.

#blogging #cringe #first blog #wiriting

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theobspb105 · 3 years ago

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Entry 6 - Future strategies

Read back over your entries and your feedback. Think about your learning development over the semester. What surprised you? What was positive and what was negative? What strengths have you developed and what changes might you need to make? Use the subheadings: knowledge, skills, and attitudes/behaviours, to help you structure your discussion.

Knowledge

What surprised me about this semester was the difficulty of juggling 4 classes with multiple assignments due for each, there were 2 times (in week 7 and now) where I find myself stressing over the fact I am falling behind in work and have to catch up. What was positive over this semester were the study habits I was able to implement now fully into studying, where I feel like now, I am a lot more organized than before, and I am certainly not missing deadlines like I was last semester at Swinburne. Not a learning development but these are a sound group of people in these classes, and through group work and just other chatter, I have found many friends and people I can trust to work with and socialize with. A negative was the semester classes being online, no doubt I would have rathered it in person for learning and social reasons.

Skills

Some strengths I have gathered are certainly my writing ability and how to structure a perfect essay. Also add on referencing in this APA system which took a while to get used to, but I am now confident in using it and knowledge about it heading into the exam. Other skills gained would be how to work best in a group environment, the structure of introductions and conclusions, and the most efficient ways to study with pretty limited time due to work commitments.

Attitudes/Behaviours

My attitudes and study behaviours have been the biggest change coming out of this semester for my learning development. Creating and actually applying a weekly plan that I made as well as the assessment planner that was completed at the start of the semester has helped me feel on top of the work. Changes that need to be made are my procrastination outside of classes to get work done through distractions (mainly phone) and focusing more on class, not using online as an excuse but often times I would pay no attention to class with zero consequence and miss out on what we learnt. For certain essays, I have had to rewatch a couple of classes to gain some information I already should’ve known. This will be improved next year on campus.

Referencing:

Margdarshak Careerlinked Education. Good study habits. https://margdarshak.org/good-study-habits

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cats-in-bowties · 8 years ago

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On being on Jeopardy!

Warning: This is long. Like, obnoxiously long. It’s all under the cut.

For as long as I can remember, Jeopardy has been a presence in my life. One of my strongest memories of 9/11 is coming home from school (I had just started first grade) and noticing that something was off because my mom wasn’t watching Jeopardy; she was watching the news coverage like everyone else was on that day.

I got my first Final Jeopardy right when I was nine. It was toward the start of Ken Jennings’s run and the correct response was Spongebob Squarepants, with the clue directly naming the creator- something I’d seen a million times because my younger brother demanded we watch it at pretty much every opportunity (I was more of an Arthur gal). It was at that time I started watching Jeopardy more attentively. After all, Jennings’s run was– and still is– unprecedented.

Regular watching was really able to happen when I got to middle school. I got done with classes and home in time to watch it at 3:30 as it was broadcast out of the Chicago ABC station my family got. When we switched tv providers and could no longer get Chicago channels, my mom and I chose instead to record the episode when it ran at 6 PM out of CBS Milwaukee and watch it before bed. When I started college at Lawrence, we agreed that the episodes should stay unwatched on the DVR until I could watch them at home– which meant squeezing in months of Jeopardy episodes into my breaks, which we usually accomplished by watching 2 or 3 a night.

In this time, I slowly got better at Jeopardy. There were various reasons for this. Being in high school, I was given my first exposure to a lot of the things they ask about on the show. Yeah, I got those questions on Kafka or World War I treaties or geometric terms, but I had just learned about them last week. But another important part of it was simply watching the show and noticing patterns. I started trying to guess things that would come up based on category names, often being able to call them in the regular rounds and– in moments that astound/terrify both my parents and myself– Final Jeopardy. (Though sometimes these guesses are wildly incorrect for the sake of being silly. For whatever reason, I have not been written into categories about “Notable Women” :P)

Doing so well, my parents often told me that it was only a matter of time before I ended up on the show. I would usually laugh it off and roll my eyes. Yeah, maybe. Someday. Not now or anything.

So I don’t know what it was that drove me to sign up to audition for the college tournament this year. Maybe it was the nagging knowledge that paying for graduate school (I’m currently in my senior year of undergrad) would be on my own and wanting to avoid student loans as much as possible and realizing that winning the top prize of $100,000 could get me there. Maybe it was wanting to show up those students from big name schools that seem to always make it into the tournament. Maybe it was sheer curiosity to see if I was as good as I thought I was.

I signed up to be notified about when the test would be shortly before going back for my final fall term. I closely followed and signed up for the online test, that I would be taking the night of September 28. I thought I did decently on the practice test and though I started the real one with a few guesses, I quickly fell into a rhythm, and then it was over. The online test is 50 questions with fifteen seconds to answer each one. I told my parents about it when I made my weekly skype home and though they were both excited for me– my mom especially– I never expected to hear anything back. I began lurking the Jeopardy subreddit and compared my answers with the ones posted (based on what I’m pretty sure I answered, I got anywhere from 40-43/50 correct; most places online say that you need above 35 to hear anything back from the producers).

Even knowing that, it was still a pleasant shock when I got an email two weeks later on October 11, during an afternoon of laundry and homework that said they wanted me to come to an in-person audition/interview in Chicago on Saturday, November 12. I checked my calendar– it was the Saturday at the end of ninth week (Lawrence runs on 3, 10-week terms so things are pretty hectic by week 9), a week after I would be gone for a quizbowl tournament and I had a draft of a paper due that Friday night before and there was a wind ensemble concert Saturday night, which meant I would need to be back to campus in time for my 7:15 PM shift at the library, since my coworker would be in the concert. I talked it over with my mom, who would pick me up after my last class got out on Friday around 4:30, drive home, sleep, take the train down to Chicago Saturday morning, have my audition at 11:30, then come straight back to get me to campus in time for work. Sure it was hectic and kind of insane, but there was Jeopardy on the line!

After rsvp-ing, I got a secondary email that gave more specific details as well as an application I would have to complete, sign, and bring with me to the audition. Now I just had to wait for a month. My classwork kept me busy, but I still indulged in fantasizing about possibilities and “I might be on Jeopardy” made its way into the margins of my notes when I was distracted.

Things went off without a hitch. My parents and I made it to Chicago with plenty of time and we found the hotel where the audition was being held (on the way to the hotel we passed Trump Tower. I flipped it off. It was cathartic). I found my way upstairs and noticed I was in the right place when I came across a lot of other college students and also a large supply of Jeopardy pens and paper that we would use to write our answers on. I killed time chatting with some of the others there. Most of them were from schools I’d heard of and ones that were bigger than Lawrence (University of Minnesota, Michigan, Chicago, Madison, even one guy from Harvard) but there were a few smaller schools there to hold their own (St. Olaf, St. Norbert). We finally started to see those from the 9 AM session trickle out of the room where we’d actually be in before we were greeted by a couple of the contestant coordinators– Glenn and Lauri– who took a roll call to make sure everyone was there and then who lined us up to have individual quick photos taken. We were then finally allowed to go in the other room and they talked to us about Jeopardy, mainly how the show works and how today would work. After a pre-recorded video greeting from Alex Trebek and a few mock clues that anyone could raise their hand and answer to get us in a Jeopardy mindset, the written test began. As was explained in my email, the written test closely resembled the online one in terms of difficulty and length, though we only had eight seconds per question this time. I felt I did pretty well, like on my first test, but there were a few I knew i got wrong (which I realized when chatting with the others while the tests were being scored) that I continually kicked myself over for the rest of the day (Bernie Sanders, Rosh Hashanah, Afghanistan, the Edward Snowden movie, and I think I spelled cerberus wrong enough to count as a wrong answer).

When Glenn and Lauri came back, they explained that we’d be playing some mock Jeopardy that would be filmed with two others and at the end of our time we would talk about ourselves a little before being dismissed to sit down and watch the others play. Much to my surprise, my name was called first– meaning I was not only in the first group to play, but I was in the first position at the front of the room. I felt I did well. I basically acted how I did when I watched at home, but with a little more poise. The weakest part I felt was when I talked about myself. I got through the initial part just fine– school, year, majors, plans after graduation, but after that I stumbled. What did I do outside of class? Work in the library? Waste time on YouTube and tumblr? Procrastinate writing papers? I got out something about really liking to read and also cats (helping my family foster cats was something on my facts sheet) before moving into the last part of the introduction: what you would do with the money. When Glenn told us this would be part of our introduction, he made sure to emphasize that paying off student loans and paying for grad school were not acceptable answers. Since the latter was what I’d realistically do, I talked about going to London again, since I had studied there last autumn and had fallen completely in love with it. Travel was kind of generic, but once I got through that part, it was over. Other people’s answers got to be a lot more creative or off-the-wall since they had more time to think on it but I felt mine had gone pretty well. Coming out of it, I felt the introduction was the weakest part of my audition that day.

Glenn told us when the filming would be for the actual tournament would be– January 10 and 11 and that if we were selected, we’d be contacted before the holidays. If we didn’t hear anything, we were free to audition next year if still eligible for the tournament or the regular show. After that we were dismissed and I wandered back down to the lobby, where my parents were waiting to pepper me with questions about it had gone. I left that day with a Jeopardy pen, low-quality earbuds in a Jeopardy pouch, and my memories.

Amtrak having wifi was a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I got things right that had been a guess (Andy Murray! H&M! Beirut is the capital of Lebanon!) but the ones I got wrong continued to nag at me even as I went back to school and the looming deadlines for papers grew ever closer. I knew I couldn’t go back in time and change things but I was still frustrated. Reading the subreddit about some frustrated fans who attended multiple auditions for the regular show and still not making the cut, I felt that my umming and lack of interests coupled with my semi-unknown school meant I wouldn’t make it to the show. I emphasized that my odds for getting on weren’t great when talking with my relatives over Thanksgiving who were all very excited for me. There had been about 30 people in my 11:30 session and the same in the earlier one, meaning 60 people auditioning in Chicago. They had also held auditions in Los Angeles, New Orleans, and New York City. Assuming roughly the same turnout size at those meant that 15 out of approximately 240 would get on– that’s a 6.25% chance. So not impossible, but also not very likely. I wanted to keep my hopes in check for when I wouldn’t get a call back.

But it happened December 2. I was back home on winter break (Lawrence is on a trimester system so we have Thanksgiving-New Year’s off) working at the Piggly Wiggly that had employed me over the summer as a cashier because people are still buying food in December. I got off my shift at 4 and called my mom to pick me up. I noticed that I had a missed call on my phone. It was from a number with an area code I didn’t recognize, but they’d left a voicemail– something that robots, telemarketers, or robot telemarketers didn’t do. So, as I walked up towards the front of the store to wait for my mom, I listened to the message.

“Hi, this is Ryan Keller from Jeopardy! I’m looking for Allison; I’ve got your application here, it looks like you went an audition for the College Championship in Chicago with Glenn and Lauri and I’d like to talk to you . . .” I had stopped in the aisle next to some greeting cards and an old lady doing her shopping as I heard him leave a number to call him back at and a giant grin on my face. I jumped up and down as I figured out how to a save a message and finish getting to the front of the store, the call echoing in my mind.

I listened to it a couple more times as I waited for my ride and texted my friend who had auditioned for the show in the past (once for college– she’d since graduated– and she was in the pool for the regular show at the time I heard back– hi, @bookofrevelation ) because I had to tell someone. My mom eventually got there and I hopped in the car where she’d parked. I stopped her before she started it again. “I had a voicemail on my phone when I got off of work,” I started. “It was Jeopardy. I think they want me for the show.” I’ll be honest; I cried a little bit out of sheer joy. Saying it made it even more real. My mom was appropriately excited for me and asked if I had called them back and I explained that I was going to once I was able to breathe again.

I nervously called them back. After reviewing some basic information that had been on my application, I found out: It was real. I had been selected for the tournament; filming would be January 10-11, they’d make and pay for travel and lodging arrangements. (I took some very scrambled notes down while on the phone) After confirming contact information for paperwork and a per diem check that would be sent to me I hung up and screamed that I was going to be on Jeopardy! I screamed at my brother. I screamed at my cat (who did not like this and ran off to hide). I wanted to scream it from my rooftop, but it was freezing outside. I told my dad when he got home from work that night and confirmed it to my friend who I’d been texting, who posted about it in the Facebook group for the quizbowl team who was also very excited for me.

I had a little over a month to prepare and I couldn’t have picked a better time to do so. It was the end of 2016 so everyone was releasing top ____ of 2016 lists. I also had a lot of Jeopardy episodes stockpiled on the DVR, and I started watching them standing up with a pen buzzer that I had to press before I could give my answer. I also contacted my school’s PR department to see if they’d be able to buy sweatshirts for my appearance there. I finagled my work schedule at the campus library to cover the days I’d be gone.

I returned to Lawrence the first week of January where I had to tell professors that I’d be missing class second week. They were pretty understanding– after all, this was Jeopardy! Not to mention I could always do readings for class on the plane.

I flew out to Los Angeles with my mom on Sunday, January 8. The Jeopardy production staff had made arrangements for me at a hotel near Universal Studios and had left Monday as a free day. Los Angeles weather was far from perfect– 50s and kind of drizzly– but coming from subzero Wisconsin temperatures it was a treat. I spent Monday at Universal Studios, which was awesome but weird. The lines were almost nonexistent and doing something I don’t normally do on a Monday made it feel like I was playing hooky. My mom and I went to see Hidden Figures that night. It was what I needed, since Tuesday and Wednesday would mean waking up early and being there for filming five episodes each.

Tuesday morning I met some of the producers and the other contestants in the lobby of the hotel. After re-signing our contracts we were loaded onto a bus where Maggie Speak gave us a run-down of everything Jeopardy. General rules, some basic tips, and what would happen in extraordinary circumstances like ties. The people I talked with were all very nice. There were 16 of us- 15 to play in the tournament and 1 alternate who had been informed of their role prior to the filming days. Because the College Championship is a ten-day tournament, the first day of filming was dedicated solely to the quarterfinals and the second would be for semifinals and the two-day finals. We arrived at the studio and were escorted into the contestant green room, which had some snacks and photos of past winners. We filled out some more paperwork and had our makeup done before going out to the set for promotional photos and some practice with the buzzer system.

The set didn’t feel real. It looked just like on tv, maybe a little bit smaller, and getting to walk on it was honestly kind of surreal. Like you wouldn’t expect something that exact to just exist in the real world but it does and I got to walk on it and pose with a sign that said Lawrence and play Jeopardy there.

A lot of the resources I consulted before going on the show talked about the buzzer as being a cruel mistress. They’re right. Getting the timing right is tricky. It’s really about getting it right when the clue is finished being read. There are lights on the edges of the board but the by the time they go on someone else has probably already buzzed in. In the practice rounds I felt I did all right. Being on the short side, they also had to lift me up quite a bit behind my podium– I had read that they put the contestants at roughly equal height because it makes it easier to frame the shot. They have blocks built into the stage that they can raise and lower to a specific height.

Because 4 semifinal positions are dependent on wildcard spots, we had to stay in the green room until our matches were assigned so we couldn’t know the scores of the other competitors and thus give those playing later in the day an unfair advantage. They called three names for the first match– I wasn’t in them– and the remaining 12 that would definitely be playing that day resigned ourselves to start waiting in the green room. The producers had brought us some movies and generic Jenga to play while back there since all of our devices had to be turned off as soon as the bus stopped at the studio. We watched Shaun of the Dead and Talladega Nights while hearing distant applause for Daily Doubles and commercial breaks all while under the watchful eye of one of the production staff. Periodically one of the producers would come back and get three more of us. After the end of the third match, we had lunch brought to us.

There were some more practice rounds after lunch and at last my name was called. I was in the fourth match of the day. I got fitted with a mic and my makeup retouched before going out there for real.

I don’t remember much about my match. One thing I’ve always appreciated about Jeopardy is how quickly it moves– the games move roughly in real time and there are no drawn-out waits while the crew does dramatics with the lights. But when you’re in it, things really move. The categories in the first round weren’t my favorites– there was a sports category where I knew Kaepernick and Steph Curry and nothing else and no musical theater in sight. I didn’t get a buzz in the entire first half of the single Jeopardy round. During the commercial break Glenn coached me on my buzzing and I figured out I’d be better off just ignoring the lights in favor of Alex’s reading.

The end of the first commercial break also means you get to talk with Alex. I had gone over my stories with one of the producers before filming started and highlighted which one I wanted prioritized– fostering kittens– which he completely ignored in to talk about my Don Quijote course I had last spring. I think I sounded pretty natural but I didn’t even get to talk about the coolest parts of Don Quijote– metatextual elements and thinking about the role of the author in such an early novel. The second half of the round allowed me to actually get on the board since the sports category had gotten cleared out before the break. I got a daily double in a geography category that I felt unsure of before answering and remembering the category. I don’t remember much of what I got right in most of the match. I remember getting FDR, salt, Department of Housing and Urban Development among other things, the last of which I got from someone who had only given the partial name. I had a fantastic brain fart where I stopped reading the clue and rang in thinking they wanted what RDA stood for. I’ve done quizbowl and don’t often neg– getting something wrong and losing points as well as locking out your team– but when I do I do not forget what I neg on. RDA is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

That being said, I finished the Double Jeopardy round in a second place with $9000 and prevented it from being a runaway for Mohan from NYU. The Final Jeopardy category appeared: South America. I’m a Spanish major, but there’s a lot about South America I don’t know, not to mention that it could be a lot of things– geography, history, politics, or literature just to name a few. Unlike the other commercial breaks, the producers aren’t there to chat and make sure you’re doing okay, they are there to make sure to put in and lock in your wager so the show can continue. I decided to wager $4000– I wouldn’t win it, but $13000 was a decent place to finish for a wild card spot. This was all dependent on if I got it correct. In hindsight I should have risked more– everyone got FJ right with Mohan only risking $800. If I had wagered enough to get me to $16000 I would have won the match outright leaving him in a wild card place. As it was, at the time I finished I had secured the fourth wild card place, which was then taken by one of the contestants in the very next game. Watching the earlier quarterfinals once they aired showed me just how many people had gone all-in on their wagers. After all, quarterfinalists were guaranteed $5000 to take home.

I was heartbroken when I learned I wasn’t going on. I thought I would have done better. I should have studied more on the wagering end. I should have risked more. I should have I should have I should have I should have.

But I can’t live like that. I was the alternate on the second day of filming so I got to get up early and hang with really cool people for a second day and watch how the rest of the tournament unfolded, which was bittersweet, since I felt like I would have done better on the categories and clues that came up on the second day of filming. (There was a $2000 clue on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend that went dead! There was another clue on La La Land! Adele! There was a video games category that included an Overwatch clue that went dead and I don’t even play Overwatch!) Even in talking with my mom afterward she felt like I would have done better with the boards that had come up earlier in the quarterfinals (there had been a musical theater category that included Hamilton D: ) but that just proves how much of the show is dependent on the luck of the draw. Even watching the quarterfinals from when I was trapped in the greenroom was hard– there were a lot of things I would have gotten. Watching Jeopardy being filmed was really cool– they run a tight ship and during commercial breaks Alex and Johnny Gilbert answer audience questions to which they have impeccably prepared responses for pretty much anything you could throw at them (my mom was really able to observe this since she watched 10 games total). No, I don’t know what Alex Trebek is really really like; the FCC doesn’t want me to know and he’s busy doing his own stuff and besides, the producers are way more fun to be around, even if there’s no name recognition.

After the finals finished (the Spiciest Memelord) there was a reception for the production staff and contestants. I got to meet and talk with members of the Clue Crew and finally friend everyone else who I’d competed with. It was an incredible experience that didn’t quite feel real when I got back to campus. I went back to classes and couldn’t say what happened with the tournament. It slowly dawned on me as I got closer to airdate. It really happened. And it was awesome.

I watched my game surrounded by about fourteen of my Lawrence friends and topperstix. It was awesome. They wanted to see me do well and cheered when I got things right. I would have loved to have shown them a secure win and more than one game, but it’s all in the past and what’s done is done.

I can’t be on Jeopardy again. Doing this waives my eligibility. But I had a great time and fulfilled a dream. And honestly? That’s enough.

#Jeopardy #college championship #lawrence university #personal #the spiciest memelord

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