#this took 3 hours im gonna kms

[marsy-barz]

ninten forced lloyd to record this because ana wasn't able to come but he wanted to show her the oreos 💔💔

(reblog this please it flopped so bad on twitter)

[casually-slips-into-coma]

spoilers for iwtv s2e4

my thoughts after a rewatch:

i know claudia hates the baby loves window play but she ate up that little song

the lulu role really is so humiliating :(

louis’ expressions whenever he watches these plays always kills me lmao he hates theater kids

louis and armand talking over each other to daniel

armands theater notes lol

claudia no eyebrow big eyeliner look is kinda cunty ngl

im a fan of sam the irish vampire

making claudia be lulu all the time oooh armand i hate u so bad

almost threw up watching louis and armand give different answers to the companion question IN FRONT OF THE COVEN that shit was so embarrassing

i wouldve kms if i was armand

vamp catfight

armand stuck in this situationship dont worry king we’ve all been there😔

literally telling each other i love you and still having the what are we conversation

“do you notice how hot the room gets when you two talk about the secret” plsssss

louis only able to use the fire gift when hes angry👀👀 gee i wonder if thats gonna come back👀👀👀👀👀

louis going🤨🤨 to the schizophrenia question like it came out of nowhere

armands face while louis talked about dreamstat why not just shoot me in the head

loving these dutch angles whenever daniel dissociates and gets an armand memory

santiago looks so good in the gold suit? robe thing??

claudia santiago friendship is killing me santiago i know what u are

claudia killing the guy singing baby lu

i like that you can tell claudias french has gotten better. nice small detail

i love scenes of louis and claudia just talking about non vampire things

santiago mimicking louis was pretty cool

buffoon sighting!!!

whole dinner scene bangs

the guy saying theres smth “fragile” about armand in the photo louis took and louis saying “no he’s anything but” and then the guy saying “you’ve captured the soul he hides” 🤌🤌

louis would never survive a 4 hour art school critique

daniel telling a girl he’d only do her if she had a paper bag over her head??????

claudeline truthers how are we feeling

context for the eating paper clip in the trailer

romeo!!

armand is so down bad its sick

madeline tailoring a yellow dress for claudia😟😟

the whole claudeline interaction was great

amadeo☹️🔫

MARIUS KILL YOURSELF!!!!!!!

the way armand talks about marius

MARIUS KILL YOURSELF x2!!!!!!

“no one has painted me in 400 years” fuck

madeline period blood moment. theres so much here about femininity and maturing might make a separate post about this scene

armand pinning claudia against a wall armand i hate you so bad

we already know that armand is powerful but seeing him choke and manhandle santiago really solidified that i think

picked another one over me!!

delainey is ACTINGGGGG

louis not believing claudia about armand ooooh louis i hate you so bad

love makes you stupid clock it

louis still referring to claudia as his daughter in his head (thru dreamstat)

louis just actively talking to himself girl do that in your head

park bench moment <3

“wanker” i giggled sorry

that suit is his favorite on him :(

“im a little wet” and armand instantly pulling out an umbrella, armand lighting his cigarette, armand calling him maitre

louis calling him arun and armand calling him maitre and then louis throwing away the lighter this fucking scene is cinematic art

the other coven members calling santiago maitre

i kinda like that daniel can hear them arguing from another room. i feel like its a very human experience? really domestic? even given the circumstances

armands eyes were never brown!!!

san francisco flashback episode might kill me im not kidding

insane way to end the episode

ok this was much longer than i thought it would be but this episode has a lot in it. each episode gets better and better and this is definitely my favorite of the season so far.

i am LOVING louis and armands relationship and also both of their story arcs and characterizations. their dynamic is kind of the opposite of what i, and i think a lot of other people, expected but it still makes total sense and im enjoying it a lot

god i love this show

[otgwbgyu]

first off, my schedule sucks ass like actual ass

i only share 3/7 of my classes with friends

in my first hour i’m actually all alone and did try to communicate w my neighbor (someone i thought was an ally) to discuss our answers but got ignored so i looked away and as soon as i did she started talking with the ppl behind her 🙂 even if she’s just awkward and prefers talking w her friends it’s still so embarrassing and upsetting

my science class is ok ig, there’s only ~16 of us and 4 (including me) r girls 🥳 and i sit next to corbin riley but he seems cooler than usual these days

in my programming class i’m the only girl among a bunch of freshman boys (and braden) that’s not anxiety-inducing it’s just uncomfortable and awkward

but yeah it’s mainly ethics that’s got my panties in a twist it’s enough to have me break down crying before school while in the car w my dad hahahahahaha

and after that crying session i got the best announcement ever! my lunch period was changed!!! TO THE ONE WHERE NONE OF MY FRIENDS ARE!!!

me and my friends were ALL in 3rd lunch together, but now me and lola got downgraded to 4th lunch with all the freshmen!! yay!!!

FUCKING GEOMETRY IS A SOPHOMORE LEVEL CLASS. SOPHOMORE. IDC IF THERE’S FRESHMEN TAKING THE COURSE, THEY SHOULD’VE EXPECTED NOT HAVING FRESHMAN LUNCH BC THEY WILLINGLY TOOK A SOPHOMORE CLASS

i swear someone in the administration has it out for me i’m not even joking im gonna wake up to a dead bird outside my house signed by the administration in blood

idc if i’m being dramatic or if im being a big baby it’s just all these not even minor fuck ups have been piling and piling and only seem to be piling. before i know it im gonna get switched around to an even worse schedule

and not to mention the fact i don’t rlly like my geometry teacher. she beats around the bush wayyy too much and needs to get to the point sooner. like she keeps asking students to solve a problem when they keep getting it wrong like stop at the second attempt and explain it pls

she’s also the typa teacher who says “no! 😊” whenever u ask anything like it’s so passive aggressive it sends chills down my spine like u can talk normally and maybe add a “sorry” i dunno…. being a teacher doesn’t give u the right to do all that

and now i only got 80% for my latest assignment bc i didn’t do ONE problem that i SWEAR i did. the stupid assignment isn’t counted as completed until u do all the problems so mine wasn’t submitted until today aka after the due date meaning i only get 80% for all my work. i did 25 (i swear it was 26) yesterday and ONE today. ONE. ONE SINGULAR PROBLEM LATE. and boom my grade drops a letter. fuck this shit i’m sick and tired i might actually kms or something livings overrated atp

i also have an 89 in english but that’s manageable, no one else did well on that stupid test except for lily and her 6th sense. that test was fucking stupid. fym “does holden think his mom has good taste in clothes” i don’t know??? am i supposed to? apparently i am bc apparently it’s proof he might be a fag. he’s already a major twink tho so who’s surprised

[jazuthevulcanprincess]

i wanna kms so so bad so bad i can't stop thinking abt hurting myself i just cant do anything

my body hurts so fucking bad i spent all night crying bc my mom is drinking and imploding and weaponizes her incompetence to make me take care of everything she cant ever handle doing anything on her own but she acts like she doesnt do that

she doesnt understand how her flipping out over every inconvenience and not being able to self sooth and problem solve like an adult hurts me and makes me have to step in to solve it

and she has the audacity to say I chose her as my mothet i chose to be born to her what fucking utter bullshit

im only here with her so i can go to college bc i cant work and do school at the same time, and i cant afford my own life and i struggle not to kill myself at every job ive worked at

im so spoiled and stupid and worthless and fat and ugly and how could anyone ever love me like this, but I cant do any better i dont know how

im not gonna make it thru university i know it, she is gonna keep wearing me down anyway

i cant even read anything for studying i cant get my brain to focus i just keep crying i wish i could leave and take care of myself only

she will never stop using me for her comfort and making me take care of logistics and bills bc she will fuck it up bc she doesnt know how and doesnt want to learn or improve or stop drinking or take responsibility for anything shes ever done wrong in her life

im going to do no better. ive got no future. i cant even go to school how can i work?

ive been trykng to study for 3 days and i keep having to solve some problem or im just unable to read anything, took me 4 hours to do one homework yesterday bc i kept rereading the same lines over and over bc they didnt make sense, it was like pulling teeth to understand anything

and then i got the xmas tree and i had to find it cut it move it set it up etc and clean and whatever and my back and body hurt so badly bc im an out of shape lazy fat fuck who is too scared to excercise in public where people can see me but i also wont excercise indoors bc i hate floor routines i only like walking or ice skating

yoga hurts everything i do hurts and im too much of a weak coward to try to do a single fucking thing

theres nothing worth living for anyway i cant afford anything climate change is making everything worse people are cheering for genocide and capitalism will never leave and ill end up on the streets killing myself anyway so why bother

i cant relax and be vulnerable with anothe human being either so ill always be alone since i dont see that changing anytime soon

and my heart is constantly skipping anyway so ill probably have a heart attack in a few years or get lung cancer since i vaped for a year and have smoked weed for many more years

im a burden to everyone ive ever met including my mother so what the fuck is the point anyway

im only alive to take care of my cats and i cant even do that

[eunhos]

.

[bo0zey]

Did I miss "back from the war" recreation or is that not happening

OK so i've been meaning to address this for a while because it’s actually something i've been genuinely annoyed/sad/upset about; my original plan to recreate the post was to go to riot fest & have someone take pics of me during MCR live in person (caption wouldve been something like ‘when will mcr--omg they;re Back from the Warfdskns’ lol idk). i ended up 2nd row from the barrier & i was like OMG bc i didn’t expect to get so close & i was like ‘WOW these r gonna b such GR8 PICTURES!!i;m so lucky!!this is gENIUS!’ & so my plan was literally going according to/even better than planned right?? i mean the fact that i was ~a few feet away from the stage n was ~1.5hrs away from seeing mcr LIVE??? my plan was going along SUSPICIOUSLY well..everything was falling into place TOO perfectly...it was almost to good to be true right??? IT WAS. everything went to shit & my plan fell thru during the last band before MCR when my body suddenly fell victim to the effects of being crowd crushed for >7 hours straight; i experienced syncope & was pulled over the barrier & out of the pit by security.

sooooo, you didn’t ‘miss’ anything; the post was supposed to be recreated at the concert, but the universe pulled an uno-reverse on me when it remembered i’m on the universal ‘Do Not Ever Allow to Be Truly Happy’ list lol. i meant to post an update abt my failed plan afterwards, but tbh the actual event in itself made me wanna fr kms, and i felt even guiltier/worse for being unable to fulfill my promise to u all bc i fr planned on recreating it at the concert. 'ok but u were still at the concert after u got pulled out’ ok physically yes but mentally N-Ooo. due to the hypoxia (lack of blood blow/oxygen to the brain) i’d obtained secondary to being crowd crushed PLUS the psychological trauma of being removed against my living breathing dying will from the pit (btw the psychological trauma has nothing to do with being crowd-crushed but im not gonna get into that turmoil rn lol), i was stuck in an altered mental state for the remainder of the concert. i was dissociated for mcr’s entire set until i woke up the next morning & it took ~3-4 days for my body to fully recover from the physical trauma of being crowd crushed.

i still plan on recreating the post eventually, but tbh it’s not rlly my top priority atm bc 1) i still can’t come to terms w/ the fact i lost my 1 n only chance to experience MCR live & 2) imo seeing MCR live was the perfect opportunity to recreate the post & that clearly didn’t work out for me sooo now i have no idea how else i can top that idea :( .

[words-for-holland]

Quarantine Series: Burnt Out

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Y/N has to work from home during Quarantine, but when she gets extremely busy it’s up to Tom to find a way to help her relax .

A/N: This is my second attempt at this piece. Last time I created this it was super long but it got deleted 😩

Check the Rest: Burnt Out | A New Look | Secret Cuts & Kisses | Breaking Friendships |The Birthday Week | Movie Night | Silence is Golden?|

All Y/N ever wanted was an opportunity to work from home. Then again, who wouldn't want that opportunity? All she could think about was how nice it’d be to work in the comfort of her own home, not have to dress up in business professional clothing, and most importantly be surrounded by the people she cared for the most. But as the saying goes, “Be careful for what you wish for.”

When a global pandemic decided to take over 2020, Y/N certainly got her wish. Her company was forced to work from home until further notice, but what she didn’t expect was the amount of work she would be given. Y/N was pulled from project to project with deadlines thin as paper, and was expected to pick up the extra work of those that were no longer with the company. There was no time to catch a breath, and there certainly was no time to spend with her beloved boyfriend, Tom. This only made Y/N more depressed and made the Holland boys only more concerned.

“Mate, you got to get her to take a break. She’s gonna overdo it.” Harrison commented to his best friend, as they watched Y/N type away like a zombie from the kitchen.

“You think I don’t know that?!” Tom responded with a defeated sigh. “Every time I ask her, she always brushes it off and claims shes fine. Don't get me wrong, Im proud of her and admire her work ethic, but damn its sucking the life out of her.”

Both Harrison and Tom continued to observe Y/N with a cup of tea on hand, wondering how long it would take before she snapped. Tom hated seeing her like this. To him this wasn’t fair. It’s not fair that her 8 hour shift now became a 15 hr shift. Its not fair that she had to work 3 weekends straight, and it certainly wasn’t fair that her company took precious time away to be together. It was hard enough already that he couldn’t spend time with Y/N like a normal boyfriend would because of filming. Now, that he has the opportunity to make up for the lost time, it’s taken away.

“What if you surprised her?” Harrison quipped.

Tom looked up at his best friend with curious eyes. It took a few minutes to sink in, until the brightest idea figuratively smacked him in the face. “Yeah...yeah!” he responded, a smile forming “And I think I know exactly how to do it.”

As Tom was working through the thought process of his brilliant plan, his younger brother entered the kitchen, looking for his usual afternoon snack. “Hey, does anyone know where —. Oh no...” Harry groaned as he looked up at Tom and Harry. “Whatever it is that you two are planning...Leave me out of it.”

“Come on, mate. You dont even know what were planning.” Harrison defended

“Believe me, I know enough and any plan that involves you in it, is likely to fail 99.9% of the time.” Harry opened up his bag of crisps as he continued to list out the other 99 possible reason why they should have left Y/N alone like she wanted. “Cmon guys, you know how she gets. When she doesnt want to be bothered, she doesnt want to be bothered.”

“You’re right Harry, but she’s so stressed, she’s homesick, and one day she’s going to overdo it. Id be a shit boyfriend, if I let it happen.” Tom reasoned. “Look, Im not trying to do anything crazy here. I just want to give her that sense of comfort and see her relax.”

Harry looked at his brother and then at Harrison, both displaying their best puppy dog eyes, in hopes that he’ll join in. “The face doesnt work on me...but I’ll help for Y/N’s sake.”

Meanwhile, Y/N continued her work in the living room, her eyes firmly glued to the computer screen. After being dragged into the kitchen and the Holland plan, Tuwaine slowly made his way to Y/N. “Hey Y/N.” he happily greeted. “I think it’s time for you get some fresh air, don’t you think?”

Y/N looked up, her glasses slightly shifting forward down her nose. “You know theres this thing called being stuck in Quaratine right?” she responded, continuing to code her project.

“I think the real question is do you really want to work here when there’s just nothing but CONSTANT NOISE !” Tuwaine yelled out, hoping the others would catch on.

“What?!” Tom yelled back. It took him some time to realize what Tuwaine meant by his statement. “Oh...Right!” Quickly, Tom grabbed whatever pot or pan he could grab his hands on and dropped them on the counter. Harrison and Harry gave Tom the strangest look. “What? I gave him some noise?”, he shrugged.

“See?” Tuwaine smiled back at Y/N. “You wouldnt want to distract that working brain of yours with all this going on, right?” Y/N furrowed her eyebrows as Tuwaine as she looked at him and the closed off kitchen. Did they think she was born yesterday? Of course she knew they were up to something. None of the boys were subtle enough to keep everything hush hush.

Y/N shook her head and decided to just go with it. The faster she complied, the faster they’d leave her alone, which only meant more time to finish her work. Tuwaine helped carry her laptop, mouse, and charger to the porch as he led her outside. “See, arent you glad your outside, breathing in fresh air with no distractions?”, Tuwaine spoke out.

Y/N took her time to admire the view. “Wow”, she whispered under her breath. Y/N couldnt remember the last time she set foot outdoors. Seeing the sunlight hit the flower beds, the gentle breeze rustle through the grass; it was beautiful. Of course, the moment was short lived with a simple ding, which only multiplied by the second.

Y/N dripped her head back, trying to rub out the frustration from her face. “Yes, well it was fun while it lasted. Duty calls.”

“Im sure they wouldnt mind if you just took five minutes for yourself at least.” Tuwaine commented, feeling bad about the amount of work he saw popping up on your screen.

“Yeah well that’s Corporate for you. Doesnt matter if you’re 500 km away or if a virus is hurting the population. If you’re not working, you’re useless.” Y/N shrugs. It wasn’t like her company was completely evil, this was just how business worked.

“I know Y/N, and we all see that you care deeply about your work but we’re all so worried about you too. We want you to be mentally okay as well. I know Tom is worried about you the most...He misses you, you know.”

Y/N’s heart dropped the second she heard him say it. She knew that all of this was gonna take some time away from Tom, but she hadn’t realized how much he would be missing her, even though they’re living under the same roof. “Yeah I miss him too, more than anyone will know. Believe me.” Y/N pondered for a moment as she stared at the work in front of her. Perhaps five minutes couldn’t hurt. “Maybe I will take that break after all.”

“Really?”, Tuwaine was surprised she had agreed so quickly, and at the same time he panicked. Tom and the others were not ready for Y/N’s surprise yet. “On second thought, Im wrong. You should keep going and try to finish up that project of yours or else you’ll never be done.”

“Excuse me?” Y/N asked as she tried to close her laptop. “You just spent a whole half hour trying to convince me to stop working, and now you want me to go back and work?”

“Yeah..I mean what do I know, right?” He laughed nervously. Tuwaine looked back at the door, for some sort of signal. Come on man it’s not like your preparing a break for the Queen of England.

“Listen Tuwaine, if I go back there and you boys break anything in that house...I swear— I’ll”

“Y/N!” Tom interjected as he stepped out to the porch. He wrapped his arms behind her waist, giving her a gently kiss on the top of her head. “How’s work, my pretty girl?” He looked back at Tuwaine and mouthed a thank you to him as he left the love birds alone.

Y/N turned around to face Tom, taking in his features and running her hands at the nape of his neck. “Busy, but what else is new? I’ve been missing you a whole lot”

“Me too, darling. Anyway, Im really hoping you can take a break from all this because I’ve got something special for you.”

“Oh no, babe. You know you didnt have to anything for me. Really Im fine..I-“

“I wanted to. In fact the boys wanted in on it too. So this is really from all of us, if you think about it.” Tom grabbed Y/N’s hand as he led her back in to house. “Come.”

As they both enetered the house hand in hand, Tom led Y/N into the kitchen, where the rest of the boys waited with diner burgers in hand and warm homemade chocolate chip cookies on the side of table. What seemed like a simple meal was a cure for any bad day..at least for Y/N it was. It represented a sense of home for her, while being far from Jersey. Even though she hadnt realized it, Tom and the boys knew she needed it. “Wow” Y/N breathed “I...I dont know what to say.”

“Dont say, just eat” Harrison laughed. “In all honesty this was Tom’s idea. We just wanted to make sure you had the support you need.”

“Yeah you deserve this, so please enjoy it.” Harry added. With that, everyone dug in and bonded over a family dinner, sharing laughs and stories. Tom leaned toward Y/N whispering in her ear, “I have a few more surprises after this.”

The next few surprises did not disappointment. He set up a nice warm bath for the two of them to relax and enjoy each others compny. A few subtle kisses, laughter, and silence was shared between the two. Y/N leaned back into Tom’s chest, feeling the water gently flow back and forth. Breathing in and out, she had forgotten how good this felt. Being close to Tom, was a different experience, one that no one could ever do justice. This was what she really needed.

After the bath, Tom led her into their shared bedroom. For a moment, Y/N stopped him as she pulled his head down to hers, giving him the kiss he rightfully deserved. Her lips crashed with his, his hands gently holding the sides of her tiny face. He picked her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist and situated themselves on the bed. Reluctantly, they both pulled away, catching their breath. Their foreheads touching and noses gently rubbing the others. “I love you. I love you more than you could possibly know.” Y/N whispered to him

“And I love you. I just want to give you the world because you deserve it all. My hardworking pretty girl.” Of course all good things must come to an end.

After a great well spent break was shared between Y/N and Tom, she was back on the work grind. Only this time she was working in their room as Tom was reading a script for his next upcoming project. The more Y/N coded, the sleepier she was getting. It onyl took a few minutes before she started leaning into Tom and her eyes started to flutter. Her breaths became slower and she was out like a light.

Tom turned to look at Y/N, smiling to see the sight of her finally at peace. He removed her glasses and set them by her table side. Tom made sure to clock her out of work abd checked to see if her work was saved. Just as he was about to turn off her laptop, another message popped up. “Great”, he muttered, rolling his eyes at the fact her team is still working at this hour. He couldnt help but read it though. Just how badly did they need her anyway?

We all know how hard you’re working and going above and beyond to get these projects out the door. For that, we thank you! On behalf of the company we’d like you all to take a day off on us!

Tom smiled, relieved that shell finally get some time for herself. Feeling triumphant, he shut off her laptop and set it aside. Crawling back into the bed and covering themselves under the blanket. His arms wrapped her waist once again. “Goodnight, my love. Im so proud of you.” he whispered.

[hereticbound-a]

Status Update!!!

Alrighty my beautiful babes! I’ve been meaning to post this update for over a week, but here we are. This is just a general overview of my current and near-future activity. The tldr is “spotty”, but details will be under the cut <3

On the 11th of May I got a call saying that my father was going in for a life-saving double organ transplant the next day, and that I needed to be there to help take care of him. My Dad lives in a different state, and given the lockdown laws, depending on the discretion of the individual police officer, I could have potentially been in legal trouble. So naturally, I hopped in the car and drove 600+km to be there for the operation. (I got tested and took all safety precautions). Which, was a tremendous success.

On the 12th of May, I learned that my dad would need post operative care for 1 week in hospital, and following that, 4 weeks in supported accommodation. During which time he is not to be left alone. Given my step mother is the sole income earner, and has a 14 year old son, it’s not feasible for her to do that. Especially as the hospital and accommodation is 75km from their home. 

On the 13th of May I drove back home to get the stuff I would need for the next few weeks, and to have a special night with my partner and dog, both of whom had to stay behind. And on the 14th of May, I returned to care for my Dad.

My step mother and I are basically doing 4 day alternating shifts of caring for Dad, or being at their house and looking after my little brother. When I’m with Dad, some days are better than others. On the good days, I have very little time to be online. On the bad days, I am on while he sleeps. This should balance out by the end of the 4 weeks. When I’m caring for my brother, I in theory have a lot more time. However, that may not necessarily pan out. I am also devastatingly homesick, and plan to take two days to drive home to see my partner before coming back. I will also have my birthday in this time frame, which will also be time offline (shoutout to my partner who is gonna drive all the way to see me, and bring my dog).

I am due back home in the week of the 16th of June. However, I think for the first couple of days, I’m going to prioritize my loved ones offline. Additionally, I have had an email from work stating I should be returning to that around the middle of June. We are already badly short staffed, and more have moved on, meaning I will pick up more shifts (fantastic) but have significantly less time on my hands. 

To that end, I think it’s best to state my blogs are low activity for the foreseeable future, possibly a semi-hiatus. Certainly at least until I return home. There will certainly be days, or a couple days where I will be very active. Other days where I won’t be around at all. That said, Rowena is always logged in on my phone, and I always check my messages on there. I also have discord that is available on request. I usually respond to disco and im’s within a few hours. So absolutely please don’t hesitate to contact me. And yeah, I think that’s about it.

Stay safe, and stay hydrated babycakes! xoxo

~ Ari/Rhi

[uhpeach]

slept (not sex) with stupid boy three nights in a row :/ i mean he went down on me on friday night but other than that it was... just cuddling and kissing and some like.... u kno... rubbing...idk... but this morning he woke up with a fever and like violent full body shivers so i like gave him ibuprofen and cold compress on his forhead and extra blankets and held him and rubbed his back bc he was shivering so hard :/ it was... cute :/ and then when he felt like he could get up after like 3 hours of me holding him while he tried to sleep he asked to wear my clothes bc he came over in a suit and dress shoes after his frat thing last night... so i gave him a pair of my sweats that are big bc inused to wear them over hockey shin guards and one of my big sleeping hoodies and my flip flops which rly did not fit... and then i took him to walgreens to get medicine and emergen-c and snacks but he is a blind ass boy without his contacts in so i had to read the packages and find stuff for him ... which was cute bc he is so big but was so sick and useless.... and then i drove him home to rest :/ ugh going ✈️ kms like this is beyond friend shit and beyondddd fwb stuff like i was mom-ing the fuck out of him !!!! i hate u sir !!! but i care about u so im not gonna just b like walk home bitch!!! like i had to :(

[glitchmeharder]

Cw: hallucinogenic times/death/suicide/periods

You have been warned, but heres the story about how i scared the mental illness right out.

As soon as i ate the mushrooms i knew it was gonna be bad. My period had just ended and my state of mind was NOT GOOD.

The visuals started and the funny feelings began and my anxiety ramped up. I just knew the world was ending, my friend was hurt, or my cat was deathly ill. Then i felt someone standing over my shoulder, like my anxiety had manifested itself, i punched the air, i shot finger guns, i wasnt going to let it get to me.

Before the peak i had awful thoughts about being pregnant (a huge fear), my heart giving out, my brain shutting down, etc.

Then i thought i was for sure dying, or i was already dead. But what is life? What is living? What is death? And the afterlife? Who am i?

I thought i was hallucinating being at home and really believed i was in an ambulance or the ER being operated on because i ate some mushrooms. I went through having my teeth pulled out again. Every bad thing that had ever happened was happening all at once. Time was eroding, my life and who i am had split. I was no longer me. I was looking at my past as it was happening and mentally screaming please god no don't do this, don't hurt that little kid she doesn't deserve this.

After a lot of this i was still peaking but very very tired. I thought for sure if i went to sleep i would not wake up. So i tried, i laid down and accepted death. It was a fact and i accepted it.

Well i couldn't sleep and eventually i felt better.

We lost the tv remote and it took like 2 hours to find it (not really).

That night i learned that:

1. Im still letting my dad effect me by focusing only on the bad things.

2. I need to take care of myself better.

3. I no longer want to die. I want to live. I love living. For so long i wanted to die, kms, jealous of people who had died. I dont feel that anymore! After that night those daily thoughts are not coming back!!! Holy shit!

Like its probably not 100% those thoughts will surface someday again, but right now im actually happy in a way i have not felt in so long. Tripping creates new neurons in the brain, new pathways.

(But uh for legal reasons this is a joke and mushrooms are bad.)

[fromthecouchpotatowithlove]

Sun Jan 24, 8.40 am

This morning, for some reason, even thought i wanted to sleep in late, i woke up well-rested at 7.30. Which is weird because i thought that my exhausted body and brain would need a longer time to recharge the batteries. I slept pretty well, but woke up when my partner came to bed, between 1 and 3 am. I stopped looking at the time when he comes in, apparently in doing so, my brain calculates the number of hours i have left and gives some anxiety about it. So i don’t know exactly when he comes in but i know it’s late and after midnight.

I’m very impressed with myself. Yesterday, right after journaling, at 9.10 am, i started finishing my homework on the brain thing. It took me two hours, and i nailed it. I went above and beyond with this one, I’m very happy. Im also very glad that i chose to do that in the morning rather than reddit, YouTube or Netflix. Very nice.

Another great achievement of yesterday: i went for a walk and ended up walking for 10 kms, 13.5xx steps! Amazing! What is weird is that on the first 9 km, i felt okay. I was full of energy and motivation, but for the last km, and more particularly for the last 10 minutes, i was beginning to feel so bad! So tired, everything hurt, my energy was very low and my feet and toes were hurting a lot. But hey, i made it.

Today i was expecting for my whole body to hurt, but it’s actually okay. My lower back aches a little and i can feel that my legs are a bit heavy but otherwise it’s okay.

I came back at 4pm and i was exhausted. I couldn’t do anything. I stretched thought, and then ate lunch in front of Netflix (first time watching it on my own since Monday!). I watched Winx for 4 hours, and even while making dinner, so actually five hours. A bit bad, but i was too exhausted to do anything and i guess it was kind of a reward for the 10 km? I didnt do the abs challenge, i did LangCorrect but no Duolingo or heylingo. My brain was DEAD.

Anyway, today is a new day, le’ts see if i can at least do 10.000 steps (which is 7,5 km). This morning i did my two orgasms, pretty nice. Then i wanted to see how many i could get and the number is 5. I had to force myself a little bit for the 5th one though. It didnt come as easily as the other ones.

Now I’m gonna relax a little bit, watch a bit of Netflix, and then start on breakfast when my partner wakes up.

We actually had a small fight yesterday, about sex drives. We have very different sex drives, mine is so low and his is average i guess. It’s partly why I’m doing this daily orgasm challenge, so i can maybe increase a bit my sex drive. Anyway earlier in the day i told him that i wish we could have more quality time together, away from our screens. Because in his mind, quality time is whenever we are together, even if he is on his screen and I’m on mine, which is cool, but no, it’s not quality time. For me it is when we are focused on each other and not doing something else, or at least, not on our screens. I mean, playing Minecraft together is also nice. Dancing together and fooling around when I’m cooking is also nice. You get what i mean.

So we were talking about our sex drives, and suddenly he picks up his phone to read some info about the ps+ subscription, because his has expired and he is getting another one tomorrow. I’m a bit annoyed, can’t this wait until after i leave? I’m in his arms, half naked (no top), we are talking about this important thing that we should solve, and there he is on his phone? I was VERY angry. I left, took a shower, which didnt calm myself, went back to the living room to ask why he needs to always be on his phone even when we are talking, left him, went to the room, and try to unwind myself with some atom meditation. Didn’t really work but i fell asleep pretty easily.

I’m still angry this morning. I’m always telling him he is on his phone too much, and he answers that i am too, but he doesn’t get that I’m on my phone because he is on his phone. When we go outside to get a coffee, like in Stockholm or Nynäshamn, as soon as we are sitting he is on his phone. I think i need to remind him of that. Tell him every time. Ask him why he feels the need to check reddit for 5 minutes when we are together.

Ugh it is so annoying.

Love, the couch potato

[swagirii]

NY JM Concert

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I was really tired to begin with because I do not live in NY. I live 3 hours away from NY. So I just planned a whole day to be spent at NY. This part is like annoying probably so you can skip it if you want HAHAHA but I had to work until 1 am on Friday night and slept for like 3 hrs and caught the 7 am bus to NY. I slept for another 3 hrs in the bus and got there. Ate dim sum MMMmmmm my first time :-) but how do you not get the liquid to be all over your plate. I’m such a noob. and went shopping at soho WHERE SWINGS AND GIRIBOY WERE THE NIGHT BEFORE but I was shook because a shirt was like $50. so I left and went to time square and went to line store remEMBER this is all new to me because I’m like a country girl who raises cows for a living. loljk. idk. pls ignore. anyway so... after that I was pretty exhausted and it was like 4 pm ish. Met up with another friend (so now a party of 3!!!) and decided to head over to the concert place.!!! omg so excite. I wasn’t really excited at first because I was pretty tired from the whole day but while walking to stage 48 like I was getting excited LIKE HELLO I WILL MEET JM IRL AND NOT ON COMPUTER EVEN THO IT FEELS LIKE A DREAM RN

So I got there and the line was pretty long even though it was like 6:00 well I guess I don’t know how long concert lines are because this was my first concert. ;-; and meet&greet people got to go in at 6:45 pm. So we went in. and they did this extra search of our bags and touched under my boob to see if I had a gun. (even tho nochang can just kill me with his chingchangchong) and threw my water bottle and my friend’s hard boiled eggs away (LOOOOOL). we got there and the meet&greet was some booty tbh. OK BEFORE I WAS GONNA SLEEP IN THE BUS WHILE GOING TO NY, I WAS THINKING OF EACH THINGS I WAS GOING TO SAY TO EACH MEMBER OKAY BUT THAT WAS ALL RUINED BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE “meet&greet” and just take a group picture and gtfo. ._. So it was our turn and my friend was the first in line for the group so she went in all awkward like “hi...” BECAUSE IDK C JAMM LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE C JAMM ON THE INTERNET. LIKE THEY ALL LOOK THE SAMEEEEEEEEEEEE I CAN’T. IT’S TOO REAL. and she stood next to C Jamm and he was like “wassup wassup” HE’S SO NICE AND HUMBLE like he’s the cutest potato thing. and I think I was standing next to Swings? I don’t even remember, because I was wildly searching for Giriboy like I CAME ALL THE WAY TO SEE YOU WHERE ARE U I need to hold your hand IDK ASDKFLASDJFA;SDF. and Swings was just trying to make us stand so we can all be in the pic. then I saw Giriboy behind me like on the step kind of thing AND HE DIDN’T HAVE HIS GLASSES AND WAS WEARING A BLACK BUCKET HAT and kinda looked like 

THIS WITHOUT THE GLASSES and like hello every1 he was NOT WEARING GLASSES !!!! I CAN’T so I was like omg.......... and he just kinda looked at me so I was like “I’m a big fan of yours!!!!!!!” and THEN ALL OF MY FRIENDS GOT ENCOURAGED AND WAS LIKE ME TOO me TOO and he just kinda nodded as a thank you multiple times. :( I WANTED TO HEAR HIS VOICE ok sike. im gonna chill. but still highkey regret that i was not being extra during the “meet&greet” because the staff were like don’t bring ur phones no selfies BLEHLAHELBLEHLA BLEAH ok whatever good bye and i didn’t notice any1 else during the picture bc i forgot abt them soz

and the concert didn’t even start until like 8:00 pm and i was mad bc they kept playing hiphop music other than JM like i was ready to go rain shower idk and some ppl blocking the view in front of me my friend asked if they could squeeze us in bc we couldn’t see and they completely ignored me after the first word. :-) well they moved after that so its ok but anyway... like whatever :)... the show started with osshun gum and im sorry but ive been out of this scene for so long like i forgot who he was like i know hes from high school rapper but i didnt even watch the show :-) rip but he was so cute i know hes 1 year younger than me like HES A BABY (bgm: shes a baby zico) and he was dressed “normally” too so he looked like a normal person and it was just cute ok but i didnt know his songs so i felt bad. 

the next person was han yohan OMGGGG U KNOW I ACTUALLY LOVE HAN YOHAN BECAUSE IDK LIKE IM INTO THOSE ROCK THINGS NOW and he played curt cobain BECAUSE IM CURT COBAAAAAAIN 300 km, I’m Sorry, and then later super saiyan with black nut OMSDFKLASJDFKLASDJFASKGJSD F ok. Enough said. This is better explained with the live. goodbye. I just love. and hes the only one who actually sticked w the schedule that was pre released before concert lol

and then it was the love of my life giriboy and he was supposed to perform zoa... wybh and then hogu but he started doing mix it up but whatever i was shouting like crasy so WHATEVER OK and he did all these weird cute moves... like icant believe it happened in front of me. i feel like its a dream. :( i hope he does it again in my dreams. and did hogu then ended. 

i was proud to shout all the lyrics (NOTICE ME)

then it was nochang like omg i love him because for the longest time i thought he didnt wanna be on stage because idk... gossips and his interviews... but he was the best on stage he looked like he really enjoyed and we were like TUUUURNNNNN UUUUUP ok but tbh no one knew his lyrics... bc they’re too sophisticated4us but he did emancipation, ching chang chong, and turn up and he was wearing all black again. but took his hat off a couple of times. his head is pretty. he actually stuck to the schedule too omg i feel like giriboy was not feeling well or something :( or he was more concerned about his single 

then it was black nut omg YOU GUYS KNOW HOW I HAVE A THING FOR SKINNY GUYS im just kidding but i love black nut and he killed it today with his porn hub shirt on hahahahaha first he did honmono which i dont rly kno because i been living in a cave for so long and then it was silky bois like BOIIIIII HE DID THE AUTOTUNE THING LIKE HE SANG IT but it was good and hes the only one that was all smiley throughout the concert and remember he always used to wear sunglasses but like no sunglasses today and like... he was the best eye contacter :’) omggg so cute and then he did 100 like kill all of em i was screaming

then it was bill stax OK LIKE I KNEW NONE OF HIS SONGS IM SORRY BUT I FORGOT HIS NAME CHANGED TOO RIP :’( I NEED TO BE GONE FROM THIS WORLD and then we did giddiyup? like that song with the horse with c jamm and nochang it was lit because that’s like an old song and everyone knows that EXCEPT NO ONE SCREAMED  수컷말쉿 except me like WHERE ARE YALL but anyway... then it was c jamm he did know and puzzle which was like... idk those songs... i really need to get on my game maaaaneeesss

and then swings was being v soft today and was like this is for the ladies and did 듣고있어? and some other SONG THAT I DON’T REALLY KNOW THE NAME OF BUT THOSE WERE SWEET SONGS AND IT WAS NICE BECAUSE HE WAS BEING FUNNY WITH ALL HIS GESTURES LIKE KISSING FROM HIS HAND like where all this confidence come from i need some and then he did bulldozer which was #lit i kinda wish he did 양아치 or 괜찮아 but it didnt happen its ok

then it was da whole crew with sushi rain showers and carnival OMG WHEN CARNIVAL STARTED WITH GIRIBOY i cried ok i didn’t but i almost cried because just. like. IM HEARING IT LIVEEEE HELLO i was shook. and sushi was ok except they added some extra lyrics for the live i guess and i kinda didnt hear the lyrics and rain showers was lit as alwaaaaaays

they didnt really talk like esepcailly giriboy because i know he doesnt talk in general but its like in american so i guess he was done. i hope hes happy

[survivor-mesopotamia]

Ep. #2 - “Shit ain’t over till the fat lady sings and I didn’t warm my pipes.” (Cameron)

Day 4: Well. I survived my first tribal council of the season, and even though it went exactly according to plan, while I slept my entire day away, I'm still really hesitant to tell myself that I'm doing well on my tribe. I'm really nervous that my tribe mates are playing me, and that I'm really boo boo tha fool here. I called Megan post-tribal, and I was finally able to get some closure on something that happened between us in our personal lives, which felt really good. After that, she asked me about the idol, to which I had responded "Wait, Julian didn't tell you?", which hopefully sows some seeds of doubt in Megan about Julian. Ideally, if the Enlil tribe has to go back to tribal council, the four of us can bear witness to a Megan vs. Julian war. Because unfortunately, the connections I have outside Enlil, are shared with either Julian or Megan. If Megan and Julian are going after each other pre-merge, or during a swap scenario, I don't have to share those connections anymore. After that, Megan and I just talked about the nudes we received during quarantine ~ I then promptly ran to Will to tell him about the potential crack I just formed between Julian and Megan, which was met with genuine excitement. I think I'm really gaining Will's trust, and I think we vibe so well together. Love that guy! Overall, it wasn't a very productive day because I woke up at 4:30p PST. Love that for me, thanks for shading me @ Tribal Bodhi.

going into this scavenger hunt as the tribe that went to tribal last is worrysome. It's a challenge that's fully dependent on our activity, so we are at a serious disadvantage against the other two tribes that get to choose someone less active to sit out. We don't have that luxury. The point/life system eases the blow, however, since we can get less active players 1 life while more active players can get 3. In case we lose, I'm trying to connect with everyone on the tribe. I really don't want to vote anyone out though. I have an alliance with Julian and JJ, and one with Will on the side. Chrissa wants to work with Julian, JJ and myself, and I think Megan and JJ have something on the side. I'm nervous for who would be the target in the vote, and any vote would hurt all of our games collectively. Hopefully we win because the next vote will not be easy AT ALL.

Done w typing this sheet

jj and zachary are so fucking annoying to this challenge and if i vote for you first at the swap, its probably because youre typing too much during this challenge sorry not sorry xoxo - sincerely johnny a month from now

let me be clear with andrew I was not calling his hosting unfair i was calling the fact that a majority green item giving him a point unfair not the hosting but lack of yellow, also i have a headache i don't feel that good. and I just don't think zach should have had a point for it nothing against hosting obviously i watch a movie trivia thing where literally they have a challenge to challenge any questions that are unfair, that doesn't mean they are calling the question writers or the answer writers unfair. 

Zach just won the tribal challenge for us which is fantastic. We can maintain the illusion of a unified tribe longer, which keeps us together in a swap situation, and Zach has clearly painted a challenge target on himself over the last two challenges which will make him go before me if our Triforce ever becomes the minority. I'm really happy with my position in the game right now

me and monty trying to find the idol and decode this annoying ass video https://imgur.com/a/lu7sbMu

Forgive me father for I have sinned it's been approximately three days since my last confession so far can't complain really we be winning they hating we be riding pretty damn clean I've got a majoritu alliance I didn't start so odds of it falling around me and being the first voted out slim to none thank the sweet baby jesis and all that good shit. Oh well that's all for now

JULIAN’S HOST CHAT GUEST, ZEE:

I am filling in a confessional because you told me to. I am in front of my fan because it's hot. I'm thinking that it seems pretty stupid to ask me for a confessional. Julian's prod chat isn't very interesting because he's distracted.

also just threw out madison's name to johnny. if this shit backfires on me ill be ):

https://youtu.be/Pqck1gayfJU

https://youtu.be/FMay7NycsPw

yo yo yo homies!!! fuck the scavenger hunt and the mobile Skype app !! Lowkey scared but I think I’m close with everyone on the tribe except madi soooooooooo that’s probably who will go tonight. I’ve connected a lot with Monty and am hoping we can work together closely moving forward 💕not sure how useful my relationship with Zach is going to be come swap/merge bc it seems like he’s ALREADY making himself a target like the big doof he is. More later 💋

https://youtu.be/Qg47yupj1bQ

https://youtu.be/vUK8A1qWVoA

Hello tumblr survivor world! Sorry I didnt confess for episode 1, I was going to but i accidentally exited out of the page when i almost finished writing it. Anyways, it was just a cast assessment for my tribe so tl;dr everyone on my tribe is great and its really sad that we have to vote someone out now. So this whole weekend I was away so I was REALLY worried that I would be voted out since I sat out of the challenge. But after talking to Johnny and Isabelle, it seems like Madison will be voted out tonight. Which is so bad bc this her first game in a year, but hey it's our first vote and it's not me so it's not really the time to make a stand. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Okay I took a break from writing this confessional and there's moreeeeeeeee so part 2 I guess. So I had a call with Johnny and we came up with an alliance of me, him, Isabelle, and Benji. What an iconic alliance, right? But also while Johnny and I talked we got onto the topic of idols and why it is that there hasn't been an idol post yet. I brought up that wayyyyyy back when in Malaysia and some other games around that time, some of the idol hunts were less clear cut. We ended up looking at the blog and clicking the "idol system" tab and it brought us to some weird crab video with audio that sounds like a pokemon cry? Idk part of me thinks its just a joke but I also have to consider that it might be SOMETHING. It said remember to like and subscribe so I sent a screenshot of me liking and subscribing to see if that would do anything but nope. Johnny said he'd do some thinking about it and get back to me later if he figures something out. Also tribal seems super clear cut so I'm a bit less worried now but y'know how it is I can't not worry about tribal.

i just spent $8 on a spectogram and STILL cant find this fucking idol im gonna kms... monty im sorry im steam rolling ahead looking for this thing without telling you, but thank you for the first clue xoxo... if i get stumped in the future ill reach out for SURE (but idt you trust me that much so this seems kinda valid to me) ((FOUR HOURS LATER: i told monty lololol)) ALSO FOR FUCKS SAKE I think madison is gonna go, and truthfully, im fine with it because it's the easiest thing to do due to her poor performance in the past few challenges and just being the least AROUND the tribe, but i know that it'd probably be better for me long term to get rid of abby because i just dont see her as a long term ally for me. i think she's close to JJ and Megan on the other tribe, and she's becoming much more acclimated to the tumblr survivor community that i just BET that she maybe has an additional connection on the rookie tribe. If I can attempt to break that up before we get to a swap, I think that's what im going to have to do figure out if we lose another challenge before a swap... i dont really want to see ANYBODY else go besides abby if im thinking about a second boot. i bet it wont be easy to take her out tho also, if madison goes, this is like...... lowkey vindication for game changers???? last night i talked about this with monty and i was like hmmmm "is it ugly to bring up past game history?" and his response was "not if it's within the same series" .... so. vindication

---

omg i just told madison how to find the idol system thing i hope she doesnt tell anyone i told her about it LMAO........ this almost seems too easy.i got added to two alliances today. why do i not feel safe? is it me going? WTF IS GOING ON

excited to be first boot because no one will TALK TO ME! 

Things haven’t changed much since my last confessional! As far as I know the tribe hasn’t started into alliances and we’re all riding some excitement at having so far avoided tribal. I think the rest of the tribe and I are all feeling good and just focusing on making the tribe switch without losing any members.

from round 2 https://youtu.be/fk002uG2HoI

Hi sorry I forgot to do a confessional this round so this will be short imma just say a few things 1. I don’t trust julian one bit he can stop being shady to me 2. I can’t believe we aren’t going to tribal I’m so fkn happy i was able to pull out the win for our tribe because I didn’t want to lose anybody else 3. I love and adore will with all of my being and he’s my number 1 ally right now 4. I find it highly doubtful that there’s only one idol in this game and that you can’t find it until merge but that’s as far as I can get in the idol search for now so I guess there’s nothing I can do about it 5. I’m still having fun can’t wait to fuck up another flash game yay!!!

My Purple edit is amazing right now. But having played more games than most of these newbies, I have decided to take on the role of teacher and becoming more of a "role model" for these newbies. I feel like I have the closest bond with Zach, and I need to get a little closer with Collin. I have Grace from past games, and then there are the others who I do not really have any strong bonds with at the moment. I guess I need to start going to them more and show that I want to work with them.

https://youtu.be/yhwXzqrTcsA Confessional 2 for round 2

https://youtu.be/TVnpwqc8XLY

Madison voted out 6-1

[wern]

im literally just whining under the cut sorry

---

school-shooter-type kid (who i mentioned before and it was rude of me to call her that but anyways) from my abnormal psych class sat down and started talking to me while i was in the middle of studying, and every time i would say something she would respond with something that was like.. irrelevant and completely about her. and at one point she brought up that she does let's plays on youtube and has a "really big following," and i was like uh ok cool. and she wouldnt stop talking about it?? like.. im begging you to let me study lmao... we're both in this class i know you have to study too. anyway at one point i mentioned i have adhd and 5 mins later she was like "i was diagnosed with adhd but i dont think it's true because i got a 76 in psych101 when the average was in the 60s" and im like girl please go fuck yourself i got an 88 in that class??

and i guess she decided that we were gonna study together bc she was like "we should go downstairs and get working"..... and then we go down to the lower level of the library and she brings out her youtube to show me her videos?? (keep in mind i have my time scheduled down to the minute for the next 5 hours until the abnormal psych exam)...

and she shows me her account, and it has 80 followers..... 80.....

so whatever we start studying, but she keeps reading out loud so i cant concentrate, and she's also like, criticizing what im choosing to study?? even though she didnt even know there were midterm practice questions on the course website??

and then she comes out as trans to me, which was pretty cool bc im not out to her as anything so like yeah that was like a leap of faith? but then im like "oh me too", and she starts asking me if im planning on going on hormones??? and im like "uh no" and she's like "oh so you're just trending it out?"

"TRENDING IT OUT"

i am LOSING IT. LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE!!!

but finally 20 mins later im like well! i rlly gotta go study! on my own! bc i cant fucking concentrate!!

and she's like "oh before you go will you add me on facebook and youtube?"

and im like uhhhhhh i dont rlly have either of those (which is true about facebook, i dont add people on facebook like ever basically, and i really dont want to follow anyone i know irl on youtube). but she's like "no you don't need a youtube account to follow me there (??), here take out your phone. i'll show you"

so i take my phone out and im like "oh okay i see how to do it sure ill follow you ok bye!" and ran away

so now im following this fucking youtube let's player or whatever (..and the one video she showed me was just her screaming at the top of her lungs like she was dying bc she lost the game)

im gonna kms lmao could she not have picked any other day

and i havent even included all the other little "negs" she threw at me for the whole 2-3 hours we were talking, like EVERYTHING was about subtly proving her superiority but at the same time trying to gain my approval and it just. i cant rn. i havent slept in 24 hours and the effects of the 60mg vyvanse i took last night wore off about 3 hours ago. bye!

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

[lebilliam]

Hey sirmcartney asked me to do this

I’d rather be doing this over my school ish anyways :’)

Ask me some questions!

3 Fears: Ghosts :((( , fat insects , failing stuff 

3 things I love: i fukin love talking to my friends and hanging out , listening to music that i havent heard in forever, and that post workout glow 

2 turns on: i can send them memes :) , i can laugh and not give a heck with them

2 turns off: i cant send them memes :( , being mean to me (im sensitive af)

My best friend: zoo wee this is a hard one but id prob say logan or brian or adam or morgan or alex. take ur pick. (morgan and logan tbh)

Sexual orientation: str8 

How tall am I: 5′9″ according to my ID

What do I miss right now: intimacy

Favourite color: orange!!!!!

Do I have a crush: ;)

Favourite place: currently ive been digging the imagination room

What am I listening to right now: affection // Cigarettes After Sex

Shoe size: it varies on the brand but normally 9.5 or 10? idk im bad

Eye color: brown

Hair color: black 

Meaning behind my URL: its bc i wanted a recognizable alias that i could use across platforms 

Favourite song: i always say liztomania by phoenix

Favourite band: Maroon 5 fanboy here but ive been a fan of Cigarettes after Sex for a while now

How I feel right now: STRESSED and ANGERY

Someone I love: myself (kinda)

My current relationship status: 

My relationship with my parents: we dont really talk that much but good i think?

Favourite season: oof i like the heat but im gonna say winter bc i get to be emo and i can go walk on fresh snow 

Tattoos and piercing i have: none atm

Tattoos and piercing i want: hmmm idk if i want anything big but i always thought the track shoe/wing thing would be nice

The reasons I joined Tumblr: all my friends had it so i thought i would be cool if i made one

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?: i have gotten some before and i appreciate them 

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?: the last person i texted? surprisingly no

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: depends if i shower but i can get going in ~4-5 minutes

Have you shaved your legs in the past three days?: nope!

Where am I right now?: imagination room!

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? hell yea who doesnt

Do I live with my Mom and Dad? not atm im chillin #dormlife

Am I excited for anything?: excited for the weekend

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? hell to the yea of course

How often do I wear a fake smile?: everytime i feel weird around people idk usually i wouldnt say i smile that much unless im gooning 

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: I believe that the world will introduce me to people when i need it (lame answer: idk anyone but maybe like my friends’ friends)

What do I think about most? this week it’s been the french essay i had to write but overall i think about being appreciated 

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? id be on both sides if i could but if i had to pick one id totally be in front

What was the last lie I told? oh haha i dont know (but i do know)

Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? PHONE CALLS

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Hell yea what else am i supposed to be afraid of. aliens are super cool man of course i think theyre real

Do I believe in magic? NOPE! but theres been some crazy magic tricks where i almost believe but then i see the “how it’s done” video for it

Do I believe in luck? hell yea of course! why would it not exist? 

What’s the weather like right now? ughgh it’s disappointingly hot 

What was the last book I’ve read? Huis Clos by Jean Paul Sartre (i had to read it for class but it really is a great work of art)

Do I have any nicknames? B, Lil B(ones i have heard the most) Billiam, Broletariate Biu (my mom calls me that), (billy bear is an old one and i dont know why they ever used it in the first place), goomph, toad, frog, ugly ass, nerd, dork, dingus

Do I spend money or save it? i spend it haha kms i really need to save more efficiently

Can I touch my nose with a tounge?: nope just tried and looked like a fool

Favourite animal? oof i want to say dogs but thats basic but dogs are so loving like i dont get it how do they do it

What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: i was up and i was emo. jk i was hanging out and watching bad Freshman xxl cyphers

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? Get Low by lil Jon or Faded (the remix) or change your mind by the killers. im gonna go ahead and say that change your mind gets my shit hyped UP

What is my favorite word? satiation

My top 5 blogs on tumblr: idk if im going to be honest i dont really use tumblr that much for personal blogs but i do love foodporn, til, ruined childhood

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? love each other. 

Do I have any relatives in jail? i dont think so? oh jk theyre not really a relative but they’re a close family friend’s relative

What is my current desktop picture? FUKIN FUNCTIONAL GROUPS THAT I DONT EVER KNOW OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD EVEN THOUGH THERES A TEST IN 10.25 HOURS

Had sex? ye

Bought condoms? ye

Gotten pregnant? cant really say that i have :p

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? yes

Had job? yep! summer job at the zoo which was cool af

Smoked weed? once or twice 

Smoked cigarettes? never.nope.disgusting

Drank alcohol? yes

Am I a vegetarian/vegan? i tried being vegetarian for a bit but then i wasnt eating enough red meat

Been overweight? as a kid i feel like i was overly big but now that i think about it i dont think i was fat

Been underweight? definitely

Gotten my heart broken? homeboy who hasnt?

Been to prom? yeep

Been in airplane? yeep

Learned another language? heck yes! english kek and im in the process of learning french. i tried learning lithuanian after a life changing experience. 

Wore make up? surprisingly no

Dyed my hair? nope! i dont want to bleach my hair

Had a surgery? uhhh does laser surgery count? bc ive had 3 so far and i might have more

Met someone famous? every time i walk by a mirror ;) jk i met the senator of WA and the mayor of Tacoma a couple times

Stalked someone on a social network? pfft hell yes

Been fishing? yep! it’s always an experience

Been rejected by a crush? rip me yes

What do I want for birthday? i want to have a nice get together with friends where we do stuff that i dont have to pay for (but i dont think thats how life works anymore)

Do I like my handwriting? I love it in pen and when i hit my ecrivain stride, but otherwise when my hands get sweaty its just a fkin mess 

Where do I want to live when older? i’ve always said paris, but zaragoza spain wouldnt be too bad!

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? yea boi

What I’m really bad at: believing in myself 

What my greatest achievments are: i was a smart kid in elementary! i got some awards for getting good grades and i went to a competitive thing for piano once and i placed a couple times in some random races ive run

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: oof i dont want to really relive that experience

What I’d do if I won in a lottery: id ask /r/personalfinance 

What do I like about myself: id like to think im gaining/losing healthy weight

My closest Tumblr friend: on tumblr?? idk i said i dont really use tumblr for friends but i’d probably say memequeen or sirmccartney

Any question you’d like? when am i going to meet up with my RA? no one knows idk i forgot about our meeting and hes really cool about rescheduling so i might do it this saturday

Are you outgoing or shy? it really depends on how im feeling but id like to think im pretty outgoing!

What kind of people are you attracted to? NICE FRIENDly people who can laugh. laughing is important to me

Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? personally i think yes

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? nope!

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? @thoseloverseyes most def

What does the most recent text that you sent say? “haha and then what ;)” jk it says” thank”

What are your 5 favorite songs right now? boy oh boy am i not ready for this question. Id think “this love, maroon 5″, humble (its a bop), “the air that i breathe, “open - rhye”, and rollin by calvin harris or this house by japaense breakfast idk the last one always changes

Do you like it when people play with your hair? i had a weird experience once but idk i think im willing to let other people touch my hair? not a fan 

Do you think there is life on other planets?of course. this topic is not up for debate. just bc our defition of life has not been found that does not mean that there is not life in other places where we are either 1) not looking or 2) life that we cant recognize due to our weird weird obsession with water like life does not have to use water as a conduit for essential functions

well that was fun and id say it took some time. it def got me feeling better about life. 7.8/10 i would do it again but im sweaty af from this hot ass room

peace!