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secriden · 8 days ago

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It flays me open to see the way Style is so clearly choosing to love Fadel. The way he does this with eyes wide open, fully seeing and knowing and understanding that Fadel is very much a man with parts at war within himself, who is far from perfect and moreover who will stubbornly cling to his flawed perspectives -- and yet Style chooses and keeps choosing to love Fadel anyway.

And while there is a helplessness to Fadel's love for Style, it is juxtaposed so very beautifully with the way Style's love for Fadel is filled with intention.

It's kind of wonderful how there's nothing idealistic about Style's perception of Fadel. Watch how long Style freezes when Fadel first pulls the gun on Popcorn and Jimmy. Even as they're starting to run away, Style remains petrified, his whole focus fixed on Fadel's hand, on the gun with a (steady, this time) finger on the trigger.

And again, when Fadel threatens to shoot Jimmy, Style's whole body actually jerks in alarm, hands hovering as if he's caught in indecision, before he stands up and tries to physically stay Fadel's hand. Style is acutely aware of the violence that Fadel is capable of and it legitimately terrifies him. Not just because of the physical training that makes Fadel so effortlessly, instinctively lethal, but even more what it says about his metal state and the emotional scars he carries to be able to hurt without thought or care.

It's easy to forget that Style's boldness and defiance in the face of Fadel's threats does not mean that he is unaware or in denial about the deaths which Fadel has orchestrated and been involved with. The choice to keep Popcorn and Jimmy alive is only significant if Style understood that Fadel was fully capable of clinical murder given the justification of being attacked by them.

He's also unflinchingly honest about questioning if Fadel's moral judgement is one that should be trusted. And even more significant is that he calls out how wrong it is that Fadel thinks he has the right to stand as judge and jury at all. It’s kind of wonderful how Style’s love not only doesn’t blind him to Fadel’s faults, it even makes him see the situation more clearly because he so genuinely wants what is best for Fadel.

And we find out this episode that Style is absolutely right to ask those questions!! Fadel has been lied to, used, manipulated; but there's an undeniable aspect of Fadel on some subconscious level choosing to turn a blind eye and trust that Lilly was giving them the 'right' targets in spite of the fact that he knows Lilly isn't a good woman (because we've seen Fadel's fear of her in the way he tries to protect Bison from their 'loving' mother). I remember wondering in episode 1 if the supposedly ethical 'cause' is one which Fadel truly believes in, and I think the fact that he has already tried to leave once tells us that on some level, a quiet voice inside Fadel whispered that there was a falseness at the centre of his crusade.

But the Fadel of right now isn't willing to face this truth just yet. He is still reeling from the discovery of Style and Bison’s double betrayals, still hurting from what he thinks is his unreciprocated love. Right now, Fadel still wants, still needs to feel like he has some control, still needs the wilful self-deception of thinking that his life before Style (without Style) was enough to make him happy. And Fadel would rather pay the price of loneliness (and continuing to hurt someone he knows he still loves) if it means feeling as if the ground he's standing on is solid.

But Fadel has never prepared for someone coming into his life with not only the unwavering determination to look beyond his mask of hostility, but also the ravenous desire and tender care to search and reach for the soft fragility of the light inside his heart. Because as much as Style was challenging and questioning Fadel in this scene, he was also so very clear about the things he sees in Fadel that are worth treasuring. Just look at the gentleness in Style's eyes and the soft way he says "you're pretty decent at your core". The way Style refuses to let Fadel maintain his facade of careless cruelty and clinical detachment to killing, but claims with unshakable certainty that Fadel has never been that self-serving as to kill solely for money.

Style desperately wants Fadel to see the good in himself and to understand and acknowledge that he is so very, very worthy of the adoration Style wants to give him. Can we just pause and take in for a moment: the weight of Style's affection as he presses worshipful kisses to Fadel's injured arm; a silent apology for the hurts already inflicted and wordless promise to care for all of Fadel's injuries in the future.

Style (rock concert; episode 6): "You're doing a lot of second jobs aren't you?" and "Try being someone you want to be."

But Stye's love for Fadel also gives him the courage want better for Fadel. He isn't content to just accept Fadel's life as a hitman; and now that all the secrets are gone, he dares to bluntly ask the questions that he had to hide behind veiled words in episode 6. Style is determined to hold a mirror up to the life Fadel has been living and force Fadel to see the ways it has been eating Fadel up on the inside.

Style is forcing Fadel to face the reality that he does have a choice, that he has options outside of merely surviving this horrible life he feels bound to by fate. (And once again he is right!! Because oh, the harrowing knowledge we, as the audience, now have that it wasn't even fate -- it was the machinations of an evil, scheming, conniving woman who took two grieving and traumatised children and twisted them for her own use! T_T).

But the best part? The part that absolutely fills me with an almost hysterical delight? Style makes it absolutely clear that he isn't asking Fadel to face any of this alone. Because Style understands that Fadel is genuinely terrified -- Style is asking for Fadel to reach for a future together with him beyond this life of a killer, to step off the edge and choose to trust Style again when neither of them know what they'll find at the bottom of that fall.

So Style takes that drop first because what Style does this episode makes me truly feel insane:

He freely calls Fadel faen and owns the unspoken implications of love, commitment, and devotion in that term of address. He promises, over and over that he won't run from Fadel; that his continued presence by Fadel's side is a choice and not a reaction to the gun Style is careful to show he is not intimidated by. He stays unflinchingly honest in everything he does throughout their journey: from his frank desire for Fadel's kiss, to the harrowing vulnerability of his very real fear of death; from the way he obeys Fadel's order to push the car, and also how exhausted he was from the exertion, to the way he stares at the water Fadel is drinking and pointedly says nothing (refuses to ask for any water himself) and then calls out that Fadel offered it to him without prompting.

Style wants Fadel to know that he's seeing everything, that he can hear the silent cries of reluctant care from Fadel's heart, even if Fadel's words are still filled with cold and cruel dismissals, because it makes Style's declarations of love and devotion all the more weighty.

When Style said, "I promise that no matter who you are, I'll still like you" in episode 5, Fadel couldn't trust his words because he didn't have the context of Style already Knowing. But Style has been freed from the shackles of his own lies now; freed to give his promises to Fadel anew with the knowledge that both their secrets have already been stripped bare.

And this time, Style fully respects the boundaries Fadel sets, and acknowledges the storm of anger and hurt in his heart. He isn't demanding for Fadel's forgiveness, nor is he denying that Fadel feels that he deserves recompense.

I remember reading a few takes that Style is simply "restarting" or "continuing" his courtship and episode 8 has totally shifted my perspective on that.

This courtship isn't a parallel, this is a juxtaposition; and the biggest indication of that is the way Style refuses to take anything that Fadel does not give him freely. Style will put himself on display, will offer is body and his heart and ask for Fadel's touch, Fadel's lips, Fadel's heart -- but yet at each crucial moment when Fadel rejects him or turns away, Style's reaction is only one of understanding and compassion and acceptance. Look at the stark difference in these two moments. Look at Style's selfish determination to take in episode 2 as compared to his selfless acceptance of Fadel's right to reject his offer of affection in episode 8.

Because this time his love is real. This time, it's not just empty words dangled to bait a trap accidentally designed to work uniquely for Fadel's fragile heart. This time, Style will place all of his vulnerability in Fadel's hands and take the risk that Fadel will hurt him, that Fadel will be cruel to him, hell that Fadel may actually still kill him at the end of their journey, because Style has made the choice to put Fadel's happiness first. And this is so fucking incredible because I don't think Fadel has had anyone to do that for him since his parents died. Khun Mae certainly didn't, and Bison is his younger brother and the one Fadel has to care for, the one he's responsible for. Who, then, has been around to truly look at Fadel, to see into his heart and the things he desires in his darkest moments, and give him not only what he thinks he wants, but what is best for him?

But the beauty of their narrative is that love has given Style eyes to see true; to see behind Fadel's walls and masks and cruel facade, to the heart of the a man who is still bound up in his trauma and old hurts and isn't ready to let go of his past for the future Style wants to offer him. And all that he saw was worth enough that even with Fadel's gun at hand, even with Fadel sitting literally naked and vulnerable and partially incapacitated because of his broken arm, Style's choice is still to stay.

And I am brought to my knees by this choice because it isn't a thoughtless or careless one: Style literally vows to give his life on his quest to win Fadel back. This is a promise to stay by Fadel side until Fadel either kills him or becomes ready to walk away from his life of violence, because they both know now that these are the only options left.

But Style sees enough in Fadel to make wagering his very life worthwhile, because there's no price Style isn't willing to pay if it means the chance to hold Fadel in his arms again and receive a kiss freely given from the lips of the man he loves.