#this still took me like three hours to write tho because i kept zoning out

[greypetrel]

(resisting the urge to not say "i'm not calling you a liar" for Raina LOL)

Maybe "This is as good a place to fall as any" for anyone who fits for Radha, or anyone else who fits? c:

Hello Laya!

Thank you for asking and LOL that song for Raina would have been so funny. x°D

This got me thinking. As previously said, I’m all for Solavellan when it’s platonic, not much when it’s romantic. But, Bedroom Hymns was undeniably romantic, and I couldn’t find one way to decline it as platonic (I TRIED). Thinking and rethinking about how to make myself like Solas as a romance enough to write something convincing unlocked me, tho!  I tried, let me see how it went, it was out of my comfort zone, but I hope it’s convincing enough.

And for the record, this is the book I followed. Some names are adapted to Dragon Age of course (Arbor Vitae sounded so similar to Arbor Blessing that I just put that. And “Virginian Spiderwort”… I put the name of a random city in the Free Marches. Also, Tevinter Plum is Indian Plum, with a VERY rough assignation.)

Tis the prompt list

Floriography

[ “This is as good a place to fall as any” ]

This is his body This is his love Such selfish prayers And I can't get enough Bedroom Hymns - Florence + the Machine

Radha observed Josephine with the air of a person that firmly believed she was being made a fool out of.

“Oh, come on.” The ambassador laughed. “Don’t make that face, it’s just a coded language like any other Leliana taught you!”

“Except assigning meanings to flowers makes no sense. Why should a Pansy mean thought?”

“It means I think of you. And I don’t know, maybe because it’s such a pretty flower?”

Radha watched Josephine fix the bouquet in front of her with care, a smile she couldn’t contain on her lips and in her eyes. She looked happy, and even if Radha knew who sent those flowers and was burning to tell her that Blackwall was hiding something, and to watch out… Whatever made her smile like that couldn’t be all that bad, she considered. She could attach meaning to those flowers, if she wanted, it really hurt no one, as much as a nonsensical way of communicating that was.

“If you say so.” She shrugged in the end, not convinced.

“I think it’s sweet.” Josie kept on, and turned her smile to her  in a way Radha didn’t like. “Wouldn’t you like for Solas to gift you flowers as well, and know he meant something with each one he chose?”

The elf groaned in all answer, rolling her eyes to the ceiling of the office. It was far too silly for her, and as Josephine laughed at the display, she smiled back at the woman and wove a goodbye, turning back and leaving her to attach whatever set of words she wanted to the plants she received.

She crossed the Great Hall, headed to the library, and the thought still stuck, picking at her curiosity all the more because she couldn’t really understand the purpose of it.

She was there when Ydun filled the aravel she and Aisling shared with field flowers, once her sister complained the other never did anything spontaneous. She was there to help Aisling  and her girlfriend clean the damn flowers out of the cart, which took the three of them hours of work, and a big question on what to do with all those flowers.

It had been silly and uncomfortable, and even Aisling had agreed that maybe picking flowers wasn’t that nice. That they were nicer growing in fields, instead of dead just for a fleeting moment of beauty.

That had settled the flower matter, for Radha, and she told Solas right away that if he really wanted to court her, beside not entering her dreams uninvited ever again, not to gift her flowers. And he had listened on both things.

But now, working with Leliana on how to circle the Templar blockade in the Emprise du Lion, reviewing reports and trying to concoct a safe way around the main pathway that could lead an armed group into Sahrnia off track, without having them trapped in the snow… The thought kept bugging her most annoyingly.

So annoyingly than when they were finished for the day, after she checked that Aisling and Dorian weren’t planning on setting themselves on fire or make something else explode that afternoon, she started shuffling the bookshelves until she found… ah.

Floriography.

There was a whole book about it, and it was fairly thick. Surprisingly thick.

Shuffling through pages, she discovered it contained pages upon pages with pictures of every single flower and plant, with instructions on how to recognise the wanted variety precisely, curiosities and other uses. Beside a dictionary of associations, ordered one by flower, one by meaning.

Radha wondered why it wasn’t just a book of botany and nothing more.

But, curious as she always was when meeting something new to learn, she placed herself on her spot on the couch in the rotunda, and started to read. With a grudge, and fully intending to disprove that silly method and silly book.

“I thought you weren’t the type for flowers.”

A known, dear voice chuckles over her, coming to sit beside her some minutes after.

She huffed, settling better to get in contact with him, allowing Solas to hug her shoulders and peek on the page she had opened on her bent thighs, as she kept on reading.

“This language is stupid.”

“Is it? I think it’s a clever way to communicate in an environment where being open is socially frowned upon.”

“Bah.”

She scoffed, not convinced, and turned the page.

“A rose changes its meaning according to the colour. It makes no sense.”

“A letter can stand for two different sounds as well, making equally little sense.”

Radha huffed through the nose, shaking her head. Not convinced at all. Solas chuckled some more, and bent to press a kiss on the side of her head.

“Would you like to try?”

She turned to him, raising one eyebrow in a silent and very disappointed question that, apparently, just amused him more.

“Just to see if it makes sense in the end, or if it’s fun.”

“Crittography is fun and doesn’t require the death of a plant.”

“It’s far less beautiful, tho.” He countered. “The brief time a flower is allowed to bloom adds to its meaning. Even if its life is brief, it’s not less precious. All the more so for it. And the sentiment attached keeps on even if the petals wilts. I find it quite poetic.”

Radha shrugged, seeing the point of his words but not fully agreeing with it. She settled herself more comfortably against his side. If he was in a mood for explanations and reading and not for painting, it was fine with her. Aisling had rubbed off her too much for Radha to not have picked up that love was in touch.

 A slender arm clutched her closer, another kiss made her lips curve up in a smile, and she turned another page, deciding she may as well indulge him. If not just to prove it wrong. It didn’t work for Cullen and Aisling, she didn’t see why it should work for her. But if he wanted to try…

“As you wish.”

“I will think of something.”

She shrugged it off, and went on reading, trying to figure out if the whole thing had some sense upon it. But no matter how much she read, she just couldn’t figure out how one person could look at a bush of lavender and think of Distrust.

---

Radha found the first flower three days later, early in the morning when she walked out from her room.

On the ledge of the half wall, just in front of her door, he left her the Floriography book. In its pages he firmed the stalk of the first flower, shining white against the dark of the stone, tiny flowerets gently moving in the breeze that swept the Keep. She conceded herself half a smile, just for the care he took to leave her the guide as well. Shuffling through the pages, it was easy to find the flower she needed. It was a fairly common bloom and she of course knew its name well.

Lily of the Valley: Return of Happiness.

She rolled her eyes to the sky, but kept smiling, as she gently smelled the flower.

Silly and sappy.

She needed to find just the right answer. She was early anyway, she could spend ten minutes finding for something on the damn book.

Facing Aisling and asking her if she could please summon a very specific flower she had but a picture of in a book was another story. She hated to ask, and she knew that of her siblings, the one truly skilled with Creation magic was, without a hint of a doubt, Pavyn. But, she didn’t really trust other mages on such a personal matter, their brother was miles and miles away, and Aisling would have had to do. Even if she smirked with a horribly knowing smile at her. Saying nothing, and at the same time saying everything.

Radha groaned at it, Aisling laughed, and she gave her the flower she had asked anyway, telling her to come anytime for the next. This looked like an important mission, and had the priority, surely.

The flower was left on his desk right after, during lunch.

Ostwick Spiderwort: Momentary Happiness.

Because she was playing the game, but she was playing to prove it silly.

They went on for days, leaving flowers to each other back and forth, in places each one knew the other would have found it and know whom it was from.

When they met, they never spoke about them, of course: the fun was in the secrecy of it, and talking about the flowers would have broken the game.

Solas left her a White Periwinkle: Pleasures of Memory.

Radha shook her head and oomphed, found just the right flower, and pushed Aisling to create it anyway even if she disagreed with her choice of proving a point.

“Can I at least tell him I disagree with-”

“No, Shrimp.”

“Oomph.”

Tevinter Plum, for Privation.

He didn’t say anything, but looked at her funny that evening, raising just one eyebrow as he saw her, in a silent question. She rose one of her own, challenging him to say something. He smiled under his breath and spoke of something else.

The next morning, there was a jonquil in a small glass jar on her spot at Leliana’s table. Leliana smirked knowingly, but all she had to say at the third time she looked at the plant – just to check the jar wasn’t staining the map it rested upon, of course- was:

“It means ‘I desire a return of affection’.”

Radha groaned and urged everyone -who was horribly giggling at her, to get back to work, they had no time to lose in silliness and flowers.

She wasn’t ready to give in so early, so her choice was, and at that Aisling giggled in mirth. Not that Radha minded.

A Lady’s slipper: Win me and wear me.

To which the answer was quick:

Saffron Crocus: Mirth.

Radha smiled at it, and mirth was what she felt. Before the cook saw her with that particular flower in her hand and yelped, asking her where did she found it and if there were others, if there were enough they could have saffron for free and-

Flowers were dangerous, Radha decided, running for her -and mostly for Solas’ life from an overeager cook that would have demanded the mage to grow her a field of crocuses daily, if she had caught her and coaxed a name out of her.

The next flower, she found it herself in the garden, growing spontaneously in the meadows. A fitting answer, she thought, returning to the rotunda just to slip it behind his ear, with a briskness that masked some shyness out of inexperience. He turned, and she was out of the opposite door with just a glance of pink cheeks.

Wild Daisy: I will think of it.

When she finished with her training, patting dust away from her trousers after the Iron Bull threw her to the ground the fifth times as she was distracted by parrying Krem’s sword, his answer was in the scabbard of one of her daggers. For all she blamed this stupid flower thing for being silly and pointless -and it was silly and pointless and a waste of magic- the small twig with red lantern-like fruits brought a smile to her face, and made her forget that her back was sore and she fell badly on her shoulder.

Gooseberry: Anticipation

The game continued in the next days, and keeping a straight face when they were together became more difficult.

Radha thought she had a good control over herself: she wasn’t emotional in the way Aisling was, bursting into tears and smiling wide so everyone could partake in her emotions as well. She felt hers, but always kept them private. This new thing, tho, the expectation of seeing the hint of a coloured petal or of a leaf every way she turned, made her silly.

Her lips curled up in a smile almost automatically when she caught a glimpse of Solas, in a way she found silly and blamed herself for it. It happened to others, it happened to Aisling and Pavyn and Vyrina: it didn’t happen to her. It never did, and she wasn’t interested in having it happen. She was happy as she was.

And yet, seeing him smile back, something melting in his face, posture relaxing ever so slightly, took some of the disappointment away from her.

She left him a sprig of mezereon: Desire to please.

He answered with a white mignonette: Your qualities surpass your charme.

She was happy that he left it in her room, so nobody could see her blush. He wasn’t scarce in compliments, but she wasn’t really good at receiving them. Less of all in replying it: it felt… Too much, too soon, and she didn’t know what she should do.

After hours and hours of mulling it over, thinking if she was ready to be more direct and give a compliment back -he knew she admired him, what more could he want? Courtship was stupid. She decided that maybe not. She also decided that asking Aisling would have been a terrible idea if she didn’t want her sister to arrange with Leliana and Josephine a way to close them both in the same room with candles and rose petals and a chocolate cake so big no couple of living beings could ever dream of eating on their own… she may as well just offer him some sincerity back.

That would have worked better than Aisling setting them up, surely.

Amaryllis: Timidity.

She stayed the whole morning on pins and needles, uneasiness settling in the depth of her stomach in a way that was familiar of every time someone had requested something physical or emotional from her, and she just… Hadn’t it in her, and was made to feel in defect because in the field of love she wasn’t interested… Or in this case, when she surprisingly found herself interested, she needed to proceed slow.

He didn’t make her wait, tho: his answer was waiting for her in the war room, where she was expected for a recollection of the official plan to gather an entrance in the Emprise and Leliana had requested her presence.

A ceramic glass, stained with paint on the border -one of those he used for water when he painted, she knew- with clean water and a sprig of Evergreen Thorn, heavy with firey red berries.

Solace in adversity.

A consolation, and an acceptance. Aisling and Josephine looked at her, seeing the twig. Josie was worried, knowing probably the meaning of it, and asked her if everything was all right.

“Yes.” She answered. “Yes, it is.”

And she was fully sincere in her words.

The answer was fairly easy to find: it was Aisling’s favourite after forget-me-not, and it felt like a witty remark.

A tiger-lily on the top of his scaffolding, in the same glass: For once may pride befriend me.

She was up in the first story of the library, in the corner beside Aisling and Dorian to see his reaction. He turned the flower in his long fingers, and he heard him chuckle, as she had intended him to. He turned towards the nook with a sly smile, caught her eyes.

She felt the shiver of magic and the smell of ozone, and the next thing was something velvety and delicate caressing her right cheek. She startled to the side, thinking of something evil, for to her right there was just stone wall.

It was no demon what met her, but a single flower growing between two stones, and what velvety touched her was its leaf, spiky and sharp beneath delicate rosy and purple flowers.

“Can you go elsewhere before I puke with all this sappiness, please?” Dorian complained, groaning aloud.

“Hush, you!” Aisling giggled, swatting his arm aloud. “They’re cute, leave them be.”

“They’re getting sappier than you and Cullen, and I’m getting diabetes. Too much straight energy for me.” He groaned aloud, as if he was in pain, and let his bust fall heavily back, a wrist on his forehead for added dramatics. “I think I may die.”

Aisling hoomphed under his weight, collapsing back a little in surprise. A pile of books fell down under their combined weight, but they went on bickering about Radha one moment, their experiment the next. In the meanwhile, Radha had found which flower it was, and what did it mean. She snorted a laugh.

Oak leaved geranium: True friendship.

“See? Sappier by the minute, I swear!”

“Leave her be!”

It was, all in all, a nice afternoon full of laughter. And in all sincerity, all Radha could answer was but one flower.

Saffron Crocus: mirth.

It went on for some days more, and Radha slowly and carefully had to admit, if only to herself, that it was indeed amusing to go back and forth that way. No words, no grand declarations nor speech. Just colourful messages, well thought for their synthesis, to the point.

A bellflower in her glass, at breakfast: Gratitude.

Corn straw, deftly braided, between his quills: Agreement.

And then, after a day, when Radha was thinking he had stopped, they got through with it and had their fun but there was only so much they could tell each other through flowers -not thinking that she spent the day looking this way and that expecting a petal, a splash of colour in her field of vision… Another one that left her unsettled.

He had asked her if he could leave a couple of books he had meant to lend her directly in her room, instead of leaving them in the rookery where she was, and let her bring them back herself. She paid it little mind and told him yes, and in the evening, when she returned, there wasn’t just the four volumes of history on her desk. No.

There was a flower on her pillow, bright and colourful on the white of the sheets.

Ranunculus: You are radiant with charms.

Radha felt her breath grow short, the blow stronger this second time around, and she wondered if it was normal. She didn’t like this romance thing, she always felt like she was dancing without knowing the steps nor what he expected from her. This compliment thing… It left her uneasy and terribly, horribly seen.

Was it so bad, this insistence and being seen? Yes. But maybe… She didn’t mind being seen by Aisling, but Aisling had ways that were more delicate, and didn’t put a mirror in her face. This… A rational part in her calmly acknowledged that it was courtship, every animal did it. Birds flaunting coloured feathers to attract the female, hallas fighting for the same reason. Bonding gifts served the same purpose. Reproduction as the end goal. But this wasn’t that. She’s been clear that she wasn’t interested in that, she didn’t want children of her own, and she didn’t know if she would have ever been willing to try more intimacy than kisses. She never had the urge before, after all. He had been understanding and told her he didn’t mind it, he was happy with just whatever she had to give, and wouldn’t have asked for more.

It was the companionship, what she didn’t expect. It was the gratuitous appreciation of what she was, not what she could do, her qualities and skills. The way he listened to her and asked her opinion after long, long explanations, and seemed to value each and every of her words, remembered what she told and interpreted her ways for what they were, appreciated them. It was the smile he had just for her and the tender way his eyes would melt.

It was how her heart beat fast and how her mind could, if she tried, figure out the exact way he would have said “You are radiant with charms”, and how it made her horribly dizzy.

She prayed Aisling was in her room and was alone -she couldn’t face Cullen on this. Creators, asking one person was a lot.

Luckily, she was there and she was alone -made a weird face when Radha confessed she didn’t expect her to be, but was quick in changing the topic. In a way that told her that she didn’t want to talk about it, but still. They sat together on her bad, legs crossed, with all the curtains of the canopy drawn, it almost felt like an aravel: Radha spoke and Aisling listened with attention.

“It’s scary, isn’t it?” She asked in the end, an understanding smile on her face as she cupped her face to look at her in the eyes.

“What?”

“Falling.”

Radha glomped down. Was that it? Was it? All the fuss, all the chasing and sighing, all the novels and poetry, for this? For feeling dizzy and unsure? She didn’t like it. She didn’t like it at all, but something clicked true in her.

She nodded, feeling herself blushing madly.

“Yeah, I know, it’s shitty. Truly horrible.” Aisling agreed, moving forward and dragging her bust down to hug her shoulder, collecting the rogue against her frame. “It’s ok, tho. You can cut the game any time, there’s no obligation to answer. You already told him that you were shy, it’s ok. He won’t insist if you don’t want him to.”

Radha hummed, knowing she was right. It wasn’t anything serious, this game of theirs, anyway. The experiment had proven its point, she could call it out whenever she wanted.

And yet, that ranunculus…

“And- What if I wanted to?” She squeezed her eyes shut and drowned her face in the crook of Aisling’s neck.

Fingers started to thread in her hair, caressing and soothing, a kiss pressed on her cheek.

“Well, then. If you wanted to… You can be sincere about why you don’t want to reply. What about it?” Aisling asked. “Is there another flower for shyness?”

There was, they discovered after running all the way down to Radha’s room and the book. And checking also what Dandelion meant now because Aisling decided she may as well try it too, and “Cullen is definitely a dandelion”. She was very disappointed when she discovered that Dandelions meant “Rustic oracle” (“What does that even mean?? It makes no sense!” and Radha couldn’t but agree). But they found one for her as well, and it was with a sigh to get some courage, that she left it on his desk, very early in the morning.

Peony: Bashfulness, shame.

As embarrassing as it was, that was what she felt.

Waiting for an answer, after all, was still better than dreading answering in the first place. She had work to distract herself with and… Was that Cullen with a crown of dandelions on his head the one Varric and Sera were whistling at?

She had work to distract herself with.

The answer came soon enough, thankfully, and it calmed her down considerably.

A twig with leaves of white poplar: Time.

She smiled at it, relieved in her anxieties. The perfect answer, really, and she felt silly, now, for doubting him so. He gave her time, and time was what she needed. With a fuller heart and a calmer mind, and more faith in the future, she gently pressed one of the leaves in her notebook, as a keepsake, and went on with her day.

Her answer was a columbine: Foolishness.

She felt a little foolish for worrying so, truth to be told, and if sincerity paid off… Why not keeping up? Maybe it would have brought something else of good, while she tried to unwind the ball of yarn her feelings and thoughts got wound up into.

She had time, yes.

The next one was another leaf. One she knew fairly well, and which spoke thankfully more of him than on her.

Arbor Blessing: Unchanging friendship. Live for me.

Radha knew, turning the trail in her hand and rubbing the leaves between two fingers to release the balsamic perfume of them. Surely he meant just the first meaning of it. He was the first one to say she should pursue other interests and friendships that weren’t him. With a dedication she didn’t really understand.

That little slip tho… That little inattention, finding something with a meaning so contrary to whatever he ever told her.

Maybe he was equally bashful about this whole endeavour. Thinking of it, he always spoke of her and her qualities, what he saw in her. Never of what he himself was feeling more deeply than expressing friendship. Before this one. This one little slip that…

Maybe she was reading too much into it. But he was always so precise and careful, measuring his words with such attention, that Radha found hard to believe that he just read half the definition.

Weirdly enough, that little slip made her heart beat, but not with the anxiety of those days before. No. This time it was tenderness, and recognition.

If he was bashful too… Maybe she really had nothing to fear.

Maybe she already had fallen, and she didn’t realise she already landed.

Beside, her mother didn’t raise a quitter.

So, she marched to Aisling and asked her one last flower. This time, knowing perfectly well what she wanted.

The next morning, Solas found a thin vase on his desk, in a corner as if it had been always been there.

Inside, sprouting tall and proud, one single purple lily.

First emotion of love.

Radha, that evening, got back into her room to find not one flower, but a full bouquet. It was just one bloom, and it filled the room with a pleasant, sweet perfume.

Lily of the valley: Return of happiness.

She smiled wide, didn’t mind he entered her room without asking, and let her treacherous heart keep her awake for long, that evening.

Enjoying the sweet smell of lily of the valleys for the brief and precious moment while it lasted, and maybe understanding a little better why people gifted flowers.

Why Lavender meant Distrust, tho, she never understood.

[futurewriter2000]

Blind Love

A/N: This took soooo long to write. You guys have like no idea. I started it in November but finally decided to finish. Sat here 2 hours, holding my pee because I needed to finish this and I did. Finally! Also gotta write as much as I can because I have so much to study. Like panic and stress and BREATHE TIJANA. Okay, I’m good. I’m great and fabolus. And appereantly great at drinking water all day and holding the pee. Lol. Anyways hope you like it. Some feedback would be nice tho.

PAIRING: Sirius Black x Potter! reader 

WARNING: Bro this took so long idk how many grammar mistakes were there but watch out. 

REQUEST: Can you do a Sirius Black x reader were the reader is James sister and they dont talk cause James cause james is a jerk (I actually love james but whatever) but in first year her and Sirius become close but he they dont tell James cause Sirius doesn't want him to be mad and the reader is in live with him but when Sirius kisses her when hes staying at the potters and they start dating but they still keep it a secret then she tells him she can't do this cause she doesn't wa--->To finish my ask (didnt realize I wrote so much) she doesn't want to be 2nd choice and then Sirius is like you'll always be my first choice or somethin cheesy like that. Also I love your blog.

XX 

All your life you have been taken care for. Since the day you remembered that first morning, first sunlight, first eyes, first smile, first felt happiness or felt sorrow,... it was as if all your life you have been taken care for, but by yourself. 

Because from what you knew, there wasn’t first morning or first sunlight, first smile or anything that you remembered for the first time and the reason for that was your brother. 

You’ve been different than the rest of the family and it showed. It showed in the way you looked and it showed in the way you acted. There was just that distinct detail that made you stand out from the rest of the family. 

James was the golden child, the favorite child, the one who got to have more attention. Maybe it was because your parents had some trouble in conceiving the first time and when they got James, they were beyond happy. While you? - you were a child they never intended to have. It was the favoritasim of the first child, the first boy in the family, that made James feel more superior to you. He didn’t much try to hide that fact. 

It was as if the two of you were born star-crossed. The two of you were just too different to get along. 

“Would you turn off that bloody music, already!” he stormed in your room. “It’s making me want to jump out the window!”

“Really?” you quirked an eyebrow at him and jumped from on your feet. You stood in front of him, arms crossed and a devilish smirk appearing in the corner of your mouth. You made your way towards the stereo but instead of reaching for the volume button, you turned towards the window and opened it. “Here’s your chance.” 

“Chance to throw you out of the window? That’s a better idea.” he ran towards you but you pushed him away. 

“Don’t touch me you knob head!” you shouted at him but he only wrapped his arm around your neck and trying to give you a noogie. 

“Who’s the knob head now, lil sis?” he laughed but you elbowed him in the stomach and you tackled him, taking the pillow from the bed and hitting his head.

“You’re! Such! A! Fucking! Prick!” you shouted while hitting his head with a pillow. 

He grabbed your arms and tried to prevent you from hitting him any further. His glasses were a bit crooked on his nose and his face expression wasn’t telling you he was in a good mood either. He threw you on your back and quickly sat on top of you, pinning your arms on the ground. 

“Will you turn down the music?” 

“No.” 

He twisted your arm so hard it made you turn on your stomach. Your shoulder was in so much pain but you were stubborn on your answer. “Reckon this is going to change my mind?” you let out a painful laugh.

“Nope. I reckon this will.” and he twisted your arm further that you let out a scream so loud, your parents quickly ran into your room. 

“What in the Merlin’s Hat is going on in here- James get off your sister!” your father pulled James off and helped to get you up as well. “You okay darling?”

“Okay?!” you scoffed, holding onto your arm.”I thought he’s going to pull my arm off my body.”

“I could have.” he quirked an eyebrow and placed a satisfying smile on his smug face. 

“James!” your mother scolded him but he only opened his arms and changed his expression.

“I told her so many times to stop blasting the music but she just doesn’t listen!” he defended, pointing his finger at you. “I have upcoming Newts coming up after these holidays and I can’t study with her being a noisy little prat!”

Your parents exchanged looks, the looks you were far too familiar with. But you weren’t having this. You were not about to let him take away the only thing it was yours. 

“Maybe, darling we should-”

“No!” you crossed your arms in front of your chest and moved in front of the stereo. “I worked all last summer to get this stereo! It’s not yours to take away!” 

“(y/n), honey. James needs-”

“And like James is dense enough to fail a Newt.” you scoffed. “You are not taking it!”

“Well, young lady, that is not your decision!” your mother raised her voice, took out her wand and with a flick made your stereo disappear.

“That’s not fair! Dad!” you turned to your father, who only put his hand on your shoulder and sighed.

“You’ll get it back. I promise.”

“I don’t want a promise. I need a father- You know I’m not even surprised!” you backed away from your father, glaring at all three of them. “His wish is your command, isn’t that right?” you felt your eyes water but before any of them could notice it, you stormed out of your room.

You loved your parents, you really did but when it came to choosing sides, they both always picked his. That stereo was the only thing you most loved. It was simply because it was yours. You bought it with your money that you worked so hard for.

It was always like that. Always the one against all. 

But as you were walking down the road, freezing with no jacket what-so-ever, your thoughts kept wandering off. Every time ou thought of your family, you’ve grown furious but then it was a second when all those thoughts vanished. You tried to think of something, anything but there was nothing but emptiness in your head. 

You sat on the bench by the road and you hugged your arms. Throwing your head back, you took a deep breath in and gazed upon the stars. 

It was at that moment, realizing the beauty and serenity of those white spots on the sky that made you think of someone close to your heart. 

And like a wish come true, it happened.

“(Y/n)?” his voice echoed in the background and you smiled. It sounded so real in your head, as if he was right there next to you. “It really is you!” you could feel steps approaching, you let your head fall back down and see a boy approaching you. 

As he apporached with opened eyes you noticed he was not in your head. No, far from it. He was right in front of you. “Sirius?!” you stood up and with a smile you jumped in his arms. 

He wrapped his arms around you so tight, taking in your wonderful smell and laughed. You held him tight as well, your head on his shoulder  meanwhile his hair brushed your neck. Lifting you up and spinning you in his arms, you laughed and with all the joy, finally asked. “What are you doing here?” 

He put you down on the ground and cupped your cheeks. “You look amazing-” his face expression suddenly changed as his hands travelled to your bare shoulders. “Why are you not wearing a jacket? You’ll freeze to death!” He quickly took off the jacket and wrapped you in it. 

“Honestly, I’m fine- what about you?” you nodded at his bare arms. “Won’t you freeze?”

“With you beside me? Never.” he winked. “What are you even doing here by yourself?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” you nudged him a bit, feeling your cheeks burn as his arm touched yours. 

“Uh-” he ran his hand through his dense hair and started avoiding your eyes. You knew where this usally led to. 

“Sirius?” you tried to catch his eyes and when you finally did, he relaxed and simpered. 

“I ran away... from home...I guess...” 

“You guess?” 

“I just didn’t know where to go-” he continued but you only wrapped your arms around him and smiled.

“You’re always home with us.”

---

Weeks passed after Sirius came living with you and you could say everything seemed more peacful when he was there. You were always so calm, knowing he was just a room away. James was more distracted as well, never had much time on bugging you when he was always with his best friend.

The two of  you kept exchanging glances during dinner, in the living room or anywhere where the two of you ended up. 

It wasn’t until late July when all five of you were in the living room and you were seated next to Sirius the whole movie. It was dark, the only light coming from the television in front of you. Your father was already asleep on his armchairl, your mom already in her bedroom, meanwhile you, Sirius and James kept watching the movie. 

James was sitting on the far left corner of the sofa, meanwhile you were seated on the far right, leaving Sirius right in the middle. And as you were watching the movie, slowly feeling yourself zoning out, a hand took a hold of yours and interlaced its fingers with you. Immediately you looked down and saw Sirius staring directly at the TV. You looked over to James, who might as well be asleep over that armrest and kept his feet sprawled over Sirius lap. Then you looked over to your father who was pulling in light snores and lastly, you looked back at Sirius, who was now looking at you from the corner of his eyes. You moved closer to him and you stayed close to him the rest of the movie. 

It was until you were in the bathroom, taking a quick shower and slipping into your T-shirt and shorts aka your pijama when the doors quickly opened and Sirius slipped in, closing the door behind him and placing his hand over your mouth before you could speak. 

You stood there, frozen and looking up at him with big, wide, confused eyes. 

Slowly, he removed his hand from your lips and smiled. “Hey.” 

“Hey?” you smiled half nervously, half with butterflies in your stomach. “There was someone in the bathroom, you know?” you started to tease and he smirked, taking a step closer and putting his hand on your bare cheek. 

“I know.” he moved even closer. “I just need to do this.” and he pulled you into a kiss and with much surprise, you couldn’t help yourself but slip on the wet floor. Luckily for you, he wasn’t much keen on lettin you go so quickly so his hand wrapped around you, pulled you up and he continued to kiss you. It was perfect. He was perfect. 

---

It wasn’t easy after that kiss or any other kiss that came after. The two of you tried so hard to get together without anybody noticing but it was impossible. James hoovered over Sirius like a helicopter, He always wanted to be with him not matter what and Sirius didn’t do anything about it. 

Not that you were expecting him to do...sure...yeah... they are best friends...closer than that- it doesn’t even matter.

Oh but it did. To you it did because every second alone with Sirius was not enough for you. It wasn’t but he kept telling you that telling any of the family would jeopradize his staying with all of you and you kept reassuring him that they would never kick him out. It didn’t take though. There was never enough time for the two of you to even fight.

At some point you were happy but at the same time you were sad. It couldn’t be as the two of you wanted it to be. He was afraid hurting James meanwhile you were afraid always put on second place because of James, which was exactly what you felt. Always James, James, James. It was pulling your patience by the guts until finally that patience snapped. 

“NO! YOU CANNOT ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME!” you shouted at your parents.

“Lower your tone young lady.” your father warned you.

“LOWER MY TONE?! THE HELL WITH MY VOICE IT’S NOT LIKE THE TWO OF YOU WOULD CARE SINCE ALL YOU SEE IS YOUR PERFECT GOLDEN BOY OF A SON! GOD DON’T THE TWO OF YOU GET IT!!” you continued to shout at the top of your lungs, feeling tears gather in your eyes. “All my life I have been alone!” you now indeed lowered your voice and when they tried to speak, you cut them in. “No! I’m speaking now.” you glared at your mother. “I cooked dinner when the two of you worked late. I washed the clothes. I cleaned the house. I fixed the lamp. I went to get groceries. I study hard for good grades but all of that is never enough.” tears continued to fall down your cheeks. “Not for you because when you got home all you say is that I cooked chicken and I should bloody know James doesn’t eat chicken meanwhile dad and I love chicken. And bloody hell (y/n), why didn’t you wash James’ jersey with that?” you started to quote your mother. “Maybe because he was too busy scratching his balls instead of cleaning his room and throwing the dirty clothes into the laundry basket.” you answered for yourself. “Yes, you cleaned the living room but the bathroom won’t wait forever to be cleaned as well.” you started to quote your mother, then your father. “James could have fixed it better. You know honey, that’s a man’s job.” then your mother again. “Why did you get pudding? You know you’ll just get fat with that- no worries, James will eat it. He needs it more than you since he’s a Quidditch player.” and lastly your father. “Charms and Astrology never caused James any trouble. Maybe you should study more like him.” you continued to look at them as they watched you silenced. “All I wanted was “You did great, honey. Thank you.” and I wanted support or just be appreciated for the hard work I put into pleasing the two of you but all I get is James thrown in my face. It may sound dumb to you but to me this has been with me all my life and I’ll raise my tone, I’ll say it to the two of you because I am done losing my nerves and patience because of it!” you said, walked away, grabbed your jacket, put on your shoes and walked into the hallway.

James was standing in front of you. Sad.

“What?!” you snapped at him but he just shook his head.

“It’s not like that, (y/n). You don’t see it when-”

“Well, call me when there’s actually gonna be some of that to see.” and with a flash you were gone. 

---

You felt so dumb yet so furious. You caused the whole drama because you were jealous of your brother always being in the spotlight yet you were so furious because all that spotlight over-shadowed you. 

“You know running won’t help.” you heard Sirius behind you.

“You’re the one to talk.” you snapped at him, getting up from the swingset and turning around. “What were you planning to do, Sirius?! Huh!”

“I don’t know. I thought about getting an Auror job after, get myself a nice-”

“I don’t mean with that! You know James and my family always has your back!” you shouted, turning back around so you weren’t facing him and letting him see your tears that crawled out at the mention of your family. “I meant us. Did you just do lall of that because you don’t have any of those other girls to be with as you are when you’re at school?” 

“What?!No!-”

“Because that would totally make more sense than actually thinking me and you could work out.” you turned around, smiling hysterically. “With me being James’ little sister and all, you know?” you kept pushing yourself further down. 

“What are you even talking about?!” he started to get angry as well.

“YOU!” you shouted. “You always choosing James! You would! You would be just like them! Always putting my stupid brohther on the first place! And I’ll alwas fall second.” you sighed and threw yourself on the swing, rocking forward and back. “Guess I have to get used to the idea I won’t ever be the first choice to anyone.” you scoffed, feeling completely pathethic and sad. “Just leave, Sirius.”

You could hear him standing there, shuffling with his jacket then later sitting on the swing next to you. “I didn’t come all this way to this fantastic swingset to not try the swings. now did I?” he kept running his fingers up and down the swing chain then finally pushing himself pack and swinging forward. 

“Sirius...”

“Wow, I can actually see the house from here.” he swung higher and kept going. “Maybe if I go high enough I’ll see James’ sister who’s clearly so goddamn invisible.” he exaggerated and you looked at him from the side. 

He jumped from the swing, landed and stood for a while. “Oh well, maybe it’s impossible.” 

“It’s not funny, Sirius.” you said and he immediately turned around to you.

“WHO’S THERE?!” he pulled out his wand. “I’m a wizard! I can melt you into unicorny sparkly puddle!” he looked at you, then lowered his wand. “Oh- well would you look at that?” he said as he continued to stare at you. “Another empty swing.” 

“Will you stop it?” 

“Will you?” he replied harshly. “How can you say all of that? You know the first day your generation came to Hogwarts, you stood out the most and James beside me was so Goddamn proud of you. He was so proud of you that day and I was astonished. Because you were the most gorgeous First year there.” he was now in front of you. “You were fun, easy to talk to, trusting, fiery- you were the combination of beauty but deadly. The only reason I dated those other girls were because I couldn’t have the one I wanted.” he put his hands on your knees. “I knew you were the one for me even before I realized it. You were always the first for me. Always first place. I always had that seat reserved for you. Always and James? He loves you, (y/n) but like all the Potter’s you’re too dense to actually see what’s in front of you. He worries about you all the time. He keeps asking if I saw you eat, always pranking the boys who hurt you, sometimes even intimidating them... with me as his side-kick of course.” he added and you smiled. “He knows about the favoritism and he does argue with both of your parents and it’s not all black and white like you see it. And in school, he always talks about you, no matter I fell in love with you.”

You smiled even wider at him. “You fell in love with me?”

“You had me in your palm the moment you pushed James into the compartment in before your First year in Hogwarts and kicked him in the gentle parts.” he said and you laughed. 

“Merlin, you remember that?”

“What Gryffindor doesn’t remember that?- Look, that doesn’t even matter right now.” he quickly changed the topic and gently brushed his thumbs against the back of your hand. “You and James will always be siblings, there’s no changing that fact and James will always be the favorite but this is not a battlefield, (Y/N). Even if it was, you have all of your family on your side and me- the only enemy you should be worrying about are the insecurities that get to your head. You’re being loved. Trust me.” and he looked deep into your eyes and for him you did the same, knowing, at that moment, that you are being loved, you were just too blind to see it. 

[multifandomhoodies]

. Here’s a. bit of a write up on corps life. 

my big number one? I wanna go back lmao. I’ve been home for a few days and I’m already to go back out there. 

Anyways. I spent two months camping and working in the pacific northwest and. honestly it was the most incredible experience of my life. I was on a five person crew (four members and a lead) and of that group there were only two people that hadn’t already done a session of conservation corps either at this corps or a different one. This was my first time doing a corps! I was like. deadass shitting a brick before I left. I was so nervous to fly across the country (I’d never even flown before!) and go do something I’d never done for two months. I’ve been camping. I’ve been hiking. I’d worked outside for the last nine months and had two seasons of outdoor work in park maintenance. but this was living out of tent for TWO months. I was super excited but I was. so fucking nervous too. And god to fly? Airports seemed scary and busy and I was scared I was gonna miss a flight or not be able to find where to go. So the weeks leading up to my trip I was so goddamn nervous. But I did it lmao. 

And then. corps life. We spent the first day doing orientation where I met my crew!! and then left to head to our campsite where we’d do saw training the next three days. We left the parking lot of headquarters to Colter Wall’s “The Devil Wears a Suit and Tie” and headed to an area in the Willamette National Forest. The drive there was incredible. I’d flown into Oregon the night before and really hadn’t seen much because it was 9:30 when I landed and had only taken a short lyft ride to headquarters p early in the morning so. This was kind of my first time getting to see more than the freeway of Oregon. It was so beautiful. The big ass trees and the river and the mountains were just. incredible. And then that night two of my crewmates made entirely too much spaghetti which we had for two nights. We then had to use the leftover sauce for another meal. Fun fact! We only had spaghetti once more after that. In two months. Spaghetti is usually a staple on corps. Not on Red Crew. We were scared. Also the crewmember who doled out the pasta portions for that very first dinner of too much spaghetti was banned by our crew contract from doling out grain portions. After that, we went into saw training. Three straight days of saw training and evaluations on the last day. We were starting at seven I think? Like, meeting a five minute walk away in full ppe with saws ready to go at 7am. I think I wrote that I woke up at 4:45 the one morning but honestly that may have been the jet lag. Saw training was exhausting but it was so much fun too. There was a lot of information to take in and I’d at least run a chainsaw before. There were people that hadn’t run saws before at all. On the third day of saw training, we loaded up into our rig (by the way! 2021 ford f250. super duty cab. extended bed with a truck cap. gigantic. massive. imposing. it also had no labelling. it was not marked with anything corps related. it did not even have license plates. it was probably a little intimidating when we were bass boosting driving around in that thing. but whiplash inducing bass boosting because like. notorious big to mumford and sons back to back. can you believe that we never got pulled over in driving almost 5,000 miles). anyways. we did saw evals in a burned zone. I got my bar pinched. I know what I’d do differently now but I have a lot more saw time. But I passed! My whole crew passed and are now USDA National Sawyer Certification A Class Sawyers. Or Feller 3s depending on how you wanna say it. I’m super happy because I got my first professional certification at 19. Although my card says I got it after my birthday but I did my eval before I turned 20 so I’m gonna take it. 

After saw training, we went up to a suburb of Portland to. sigh. move sticks for Karens. The area we were in SCREAMED homeowners association. in the name of “fuels reduction” they had us pick up sticks and hike them down to the road. The sticks were down because the trees were dying from this shitty little park. The first week was cold and rainy and we moved sticks. We cleared out an area close to the road the first day and then the rest of the week we had to swamp (move/clear) sticks up a hill onto this narrow trail. Everyone had blisters because no one was used to walking up and down a hill all day. Carrying wet and occasionally rotting sticks. We’d hike it up the hill to the trail and then load sticks into shitty wheelbarrows and then take those down this narrow path on a steep hill when it was fully loaded with sticks. By the end of the week we were walking a good quarter/half mile to the the road with heavy wheelbarrows. It was miserable. NO one wanted to complain because it was our first project but. eventually we all came to the conclusion that it was bullshit. It had nice views tho. Still my least favorite project. Even thought it was miserable I still like. had fun?? 

After that we went into Washington and planted trees. We actually did this for two weeks but with another site in between. This site uh. did not have bathrooms. Learned how to use a cathole. It hailed the first time I used a cathole. That was exceptionally miserable. But we planted trees! I wasn’t a huge fan of the site our first time there but I warmed up to it. We planted over 3,000 trees in our two weeks. One of our project partners stayed out with us, which mad respect. He was so sweet. We all joked that we were a little in love with him. He wound up hanging out with us during a few of our campfires. He told us about this trip he’d taken back in college to Peru. At this site we coined the phrase “meat plate” which would stay with us until the end of session. Meat plate is dinner that is just, assorted meats that need to be gotten out of the coolers. Also on this site a crewmember got his hand in stinging nettle while taking a shit. The first week was cold. It was rainy and shitty, mostly on the weekend. We did check out the ocean though!! I’d never been to see the ocean and we took the 101 north from near the Willamette to where we were and stopped actually at Fort Stevens State Park and that’s where I got to see the ocean for the first time. In march! It was sunny but actually super nice. We all waded in and one of my crewmates jumped in. It was march. IT was cold. This is the Pacific Ocean. Anyways he’s built different. The second time at the site was a week later, and it was super pretty. It was much better weather. We planted more trees. 

Third week was further in Washington like an hour drive from Olympia. This was my first time seeing snow covered mountains that were massive in the distance. We cleaned up 195 trashbags of plastic plant protectors. Also kind of a shitty project but hey. Wasn’t hiking stuff up hills so. Our partner for this had people come talk to us for educational stuff which was okay, bad, and fantastic in order lol. The partner sent people from their org to be with the speakers (who weren’t part of the org) and we told the one lady what we’d been doing and she started LAUGHING and she was like “I’m sorry they gave you that project it’s because no one else wanted to do it” thanks. it was a shitty task but our partners were so nice that it made up for it. they even got a portapotty on site for us. no but they were all super nice. oh god they’d told us not to yell/slam doors/make loud noises because there was an owl in the barn on the property. we all were loud people and kind of forgot but it was okay we didn’t scare the bird. the bird scared us. one of my crewmates got up to go pee in the middle of the night and it swooped at him. this place was great for birds. We had a very angery killdeer beep at us!! we pulled out scotchbroom from the corner of the property and every time we walked near where it must have had its nest it would very angrily beep at us. It was so cute. We all loved it. My crewlead would always yell back at it. “What!! What do you want!!” I love that lil bird. Pulling out scotchbroom was a trip. To pull out scotchbroom you should in theory be ale to use a weedwrench to pry it out. Right? No. This was old growth scotch broom. This stuff was two inches in diameter as the smallest. It wouldn’t always fit in the weedwrenches. At one point it took me, my crewlead, and a crewmate to pull a scotchbroom with as much force/bodyweight as we could put on it. A couple times my crewlead put his entire bodyweight on to it and wound up falling into blackberry lmao. There was so much blackberry there too my god. It was so painful. We all kept joking about letting our crewlead just burn the area in a prescribed burn to get rid of the invasives. In the parking lot of a different preserve from the same partner org I found a red dinosaur who became one of our crew mascots.

After our second week back planting trees, we headed back down to Oregon to work on a fuels reduction project. We were all so excited for this one. We’d gotten certed for saws at the beginning of the session and had been told that we were gonna be a saw crew doing mostly fuels reduction which our lead had specifically asked to do because he had experience with it. But this was our first real saw project with fuels reduction. The weather this week was amazing. It didn’t rain at all, which on the West side of the Cascades in Oregon in April is pretty weird. It was nice for us but Oregon was and maybe still is in a drought. yikes! anyways. this is when we went on a hike to Blue Pool in the Wilamette National Forest. We camped at a little municipal park with another crew! It was weird being around another crew again because we’d spent so long just on our own that we all starting to lose it a little. But the other crew was super nice and we played frisbee in the dark with them the first night we were in the area. The project? was amazing. We worked on private project with a conglomerate of partners in doing fuels reduction. This conglomerate of partners did a whole bunch of other stuff but we only did fuels reduction. That was a week of working in a burn zone moving sticks. Moving sticks and swamping and making sure piles were neat to be able to be chipped. We learned about dispersing and how to remove ladder fuels and where to leave small logs on the ground for ground fuel. My crewlead showed us hazard trees and took a few out. I really loved this project. I loved the “grab stick go” part of it. It was so much fun. I also got to run a lot of saw which was nice. And this property bordered a parcel of BLM land which wound up being the spot we went to go pee at. If you’ve never been West of the Mississippi river, which I hadn’t(!) you’ve never had the opportunity to be on BLM land. There is no BLM land in the East. I wanted to go on all five of big public land holders in the US and that’s the one I don’t have access to here at home. We actually wound up taking a “nature appreciation walk” because we finished our work early around this little nugget of land and it was so cool. It was right on the McKenzie river and it was beautiful. I found our second crew pet/mascot there, a large palm sized egg shaped rock named “Egg.” We were so filthy there. Four 10s in a burn zone makes ya pretty stinky when you dont get to shower. Actually, we weren’t as stinky here because we just smelled like ash. I had ash everywhere. We went out to eat after the last day and my crewlead hadn’t washed his face in four days and was completely covered in ash. 

Our last project took us 8 hours back into Washington. It was a long fucking drive. We stopped at Voodoo Doughnuts in Portland tho which was incredible. We rolled into our spot in Washington at 12:40. We slept with our sleeping pads and sleeping bags under a pavilion and were woken up by a ranger the next morning who thought we were homeless or illegally camping. This last project was also kinda bullshit. We were working with the Feds who kept telling us to slow down. We were at this project site for three weeks. The first week we cleared trails of downed trees and brushcut. The second and third weeks we helped General Maintenance take down trees and did so many runs to the dumpsite. We moved a lot of sticks and logs and my arms still look super scratched from moving branches. This spot was in the high desert of Eastern Washington and it was actually super pretty. I didn’t think I’d like the desert all that much but there was definitely a beauty to it. There wasn’t shit out there other than the dam. From there tho we were able to go to Leavenworth, this funky little Bavarian themed village up near the Cascades. We also went to Lake Wenatchee, which wasn’t as fun because we had to go move a fridge for the office staff. We spent about seven and a half hours on our last weekend doing this. I’m not salty. But it was super beautiful so. It’s okay. And we passed a prescribed burn on the way back to our site. 

There’s still so much more I want to write and talk about. I have to say I’m overall. just so glad I did this. I had the absolute time of my life. I have never had so much fun. I learned so much. I learned how to really put out a fire with a pulaski from my crewlead. He taught us how to use the Incident Response Pocket Guide to cross reference and look at the probability of ignition. I learned how to use a chainsaw decently well. I did a lot of things that were far beyond my comfort zone. To fly literally halfway across the country, from Ohio to Oregon, for two months and to live in a tent and work on a conservation corps, it was super beyond my comfort zone. I did things with a saw that were beyond my comfort zone and I had to trust in my ability to saw and trust in my crewlead to let me do something he felt comfortable with me doing and thought was in my capability. And it was it was so fucking cool. I really bonded with everyone on y crew too. I made some good friends. And just like. The things I was able to see and do were amazing. And it was so nice to spend so much time outside. I didn’t spend more than an hour or two at most in a building in two months. I worked in 50s and rain wearing rainpants and chainsaw chaps and I worked in the 80s and sun in chainsaw chaps. I was able to lift a full 5 gal of water (40lbs) onto my shoulder and I’m still super proud of it. I watched a ton of movies in the rig with my crewlead and one of my crewmates. I got to use my crewlead’s chainsaw which was a lot cooler, sharper, and bigger than our corps saws. I cried about trees a lot. I celebrated my 20th birthday in a state park with people I didn’t really know too well who surprised me with homemade rice crispie treats and snacks from the Chevron we were regulars for that week at. I hiked some really pretty trails. I gave a lot of hugs and got a lot of hugs. I became not as terrible at hacky sack. I realized that There Are People In My Life Who See Good Things In Me and I Just Want To Keep Making Them Proud. I realized that I’m incredibly hard on myself. This whole thing furthered my belief of goddammit if I wanna do it by god I’ll do it. It’s been a dream of mine since I was 15 to go be on a conservation corps. I got interested in corps life at 15 because of Youth Conservation Corps posting in Wayne National Forest in southern ohio and since then had just. Always wanted to do it. And that literally changed my life - because of just hearing about corps I got super into parks and researched it and was like “oh i wanna be a park ranger” and I started working at the park doing maintenance and went to school briefly for parks and rec management and then dropped out to work more in parks. but then this year, after five years of wanting to do it, I finally did a conservation corps. Not a youth corps but an adult corps. Five years! The biggest dream I had was to work on a conservation corps. I just wanted to use a pulaski on a trail once. And I did at our last project site, even just removing invasives. But just. This experience was something I’d wanted to do for so long and to finally do it and have it be as amazing as I thought was just amazing. My crewlead saw me taking pictures in Washington along the Willapa bay and was just like “corps is a slippery slope. You either hate it or you get addicted to it.” Tragically I’m addicted to it. I can’t wait until next January and March to get back out there. It was such an amazing experience and I feel like I learned a lot of really good soft skills and really good hard skills. I can’t possibly explain to anyone the full extent of what this meant to me and all the fun I had but. This is a long post and I have to go replace my phone so this will be it for now. In the off chance anyone made it this far, thanks. 

[becksfm]

hey CASEY “BECK” BECKHAM , welcome to dillon university . has anyone ever told you you’re GAVIN LEATHERWOOD’s twin ? no ? well okay , i heard you are TWENTY - TWO & a JUNIOR at the university . we hope BIOCHEMISTRY isn’t kicking your ass too much , especially since you’re a STUDENT PHYSICAL TRAINER . see you at the next game, BECK & character’s cismale + he/him . 

it’s me & i’m here for round fuckin’ two , friends . this time i bring you resident GOLDEN BOY . . . a whole 6′1 of soft boy energy . . . floppy overgrown curls . . . king of talking - your - way - out - of - everything . . . retired hockey player . . . a man of Many Talents , of which the most astounding is his ability to look like he’s got it all together when , in fact , he does not ! under the cut , you’ll find a lil more about him . . . & if you wanna plot hmu @ 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙠𝙚𝙨 𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙣#9956 on discord or pop into my ims here !! 

𝑩 𝑨 𝑪 𝑲 �� 𝑹 𝑶 𝑼 𝑵 𝑫 .

dillon , texas born & raised . on the outskirts of town is a ranch that is enough to house the beckham family: mom, dad, and all eight beckham children . beck is the second oldest , with one older sister , four younger sisters , and two younger brothers . . . not necessarily in that order . 

mother , sophia mattheson - beckham is a lawyer based in austin working with the ACLU , and father , michael beckham has a small private practice in dillon working as a pediatrician . they weren’t home often , but when they were , they spent as much time with the kiddos as possible . it’s just . . . they were so rarely home that it really didn’t matter. 

with the beckham name, though, comes the pressure to be SOMETHING GREAT , and that’s something that’s been a part of beck’s life since . . . he can remember . little league & kindergarten grades were always taken a little too seriously , and it didn’t help that his older sister was a shining example of perfection . 

growing up it was hard not to like him. he was quiet for the most part , but goofy when he wasn’t . there was a little extra charm about him that just gave him an all around magnetic pull . kids wanted to be his friend and he wanted to be theirs . he fit in , but around home , he was the odd man out . beck was always a little more interested in sports rather than math or music rather than reading . it wasn’t to say he wasn’t smart , it just kind of –– bored him?? where his family was v

there was give and take with beck–– the golden boy of dillon but the black sheep of the family . he could play hockey if he kept his grades up. he could take guitar if he was also on student government and model u.n.. his parents would applaud him on his grades but never cared to hear him play; they’d show up for debates but rarely ever saw a hockey game. it was touch and go, his relationship with them, and it still is.

DESPITE IT ALL though, you wouldn’t catch him complaining. he bore the crown of homecoming king his senior year and never went to a dance without a date. teachers loved him, so did his coaches. he found a best friend in one cameron sloane –– ( because of course he did ) –– when the sloanes moved to dillon , and they were an unstoppable kind’a duo on and off the ice.

when it came time to pick a college, he really . . . had his pick of the lot. coulda gone anywhere, but there were roughly six reasons , all with the same last name , that kept him close to home. his parents even agreed that if he went in as pre-med, they would pay for the whole thing . . . and even make time to watch him play hockey. 

things were good for a long while, until they weren’t. you can usually see the stars on the outskirts of dillon, but one night, his sophomore year, you couldn’t. storm clouds covered ‘em up, and he tried his damndest to get cameron to stick around a celebratory party until it passed, but sloanes are stubborn and there was no changing his mind. 

cam passing away was like losing a brother, and he spent countless hours pacing in a hospital waiting room . . . hoping for good news and never getting it. beck had never known loss like that, and it knocked him into a bit of a tailspin . he quit hockey and didn’t register for school the next year . he spent a lot of time at a family residence in austin and even more time drinking . for the most part . . . he kind of DISAPPEARED , losing himself in the process for a good nine months.

they say it takes a village to raise a kid, and it took a village to drag this one out of a spiral. his parents. his siblings. his friends. and eventually . . .  dillon’s football coaching staff. a loud knock on the door from coach buchanan and a swift kick in the ass from coach sloane, a man who knew the kid almost as well as he’d known his own son. come work for us, they told him . . . and it was a way to get him back on track under a watchful eye that. wasn’t quite as critical as his parents

so that’s where we are now . . . back at dillon, a year behind, and working with both the football and cheerleading team as a physical trainer, playing a heavy hand in making sure both teams are the best conditioned in the state of texas. his grades are looking up, and he’s still on the fast track for med school, much to his –– and his parents’s –– surprise. 

the beckhams don’t talk about his little stint of a spiral. no one in dillon does . . . unless in tones of hushed whispers alongside judgmental looks. beck doesn’t mind it too much ,though . . . even takes it as a challenge 

𝑷 𝑬 𝑹 𝑺 𝑶 𝑵 𝑨 𝑳 𝑰 𝑻 𝒀 . ( i’m getting tired so this gon be ugly )

you want inspo?? i’ll give ya inspo!! richard campbell gansey the third ( dick 3 babiiiie ) is my main inspo for beck. you’ll also find a lil bit of jim halpert, a lil bit of rob maclanahan from miracle ( even tho he w as a real person too shhh ), and *insert big eyed emoji here* grizz from the society 

ever since he can remember, there’s been pressure on this kid to be something great . . . so he feels like if he has the capability to do something, he has to do it. . . there’s no choice in the matter. a lot of this stems. from his parents, but he’s also really just . . . overly critical of himself sometimes

boy is a fucking PARADOX okay bc sometimes . . . . with the way he talks. . . . he accidentally puts his damn foot in his mouth . he’s smart so occasionally comes off as condescending , but he’s . . . incredible in conversation with people he needs to impress because he’s hella charming

that said... this quote is REALLY important and REALLY summative of beck: “Gansey had always felt as if there were two of him: the Gansey who was in control, able to handle any situation, able to talk to anyone, and then, the other, more fragile Gansey, strung out and unsure, embarrassingly earnest, driven by naive longing.” –– let’s dive into that!! when he feels like he’s got a sense of control of the things around him, when he’s in his element or in his comfort zone, when he’s feeling confident , the boy is a force. he can talk you and anyone else out of any situation, and he has. he can make friends with anyone put in front of him, and he has. when beck is ON . . . he is on . . . but it’s a bit surface level because when he’s not wearing the crown of GOLDEN BOY and he’s . . . vulnerable . . . or unsure . . . or stressed . . . he tends to put that foot of his in his mouth and spit. out whatever it is he’s thinking. he’s honest to a fault in this sense, and he’s hopeful beyond compare. 

an introvert. . . . can CHARM u but doesn’t want to because honestly that is so draining and he’d much rather be at home. the popular type but only has a few friends that are really really close to him

loyal to a fault . . . will give you 392847 chances that you don’t deserve .. fool me once shame on you ! fool me twice shame on me! fool me three time what the fuck bro now ur just taking advantage of me 

very . .. calm and even tempered.  he’s a mediating type and like . . would rather find a conflict resolution than sWING u feel me

he’s cute.  .. . and. people love him but .  . . despite it all, he really doesn’t let that go to his head?? the boy was raised to believe you had to earn things and he’s just. idk . . .. humble king

eloquent as fuck ( lol good luck @ me writing that shit )

quick witted and very sharp

probably a lawful good type ngl :\

Does Not Do Well.With Change. when his older sister left dillon to go to notre dame??? boy damn near blew a gasket how dARE SHE go that far away!!! 

v close with his sibs . .. . activate Dad Mode. he loves all of them equally and definitely does not at all favor the 10 y/o baby brother of the family or his sister closest in age, who is also a student at dillon. doesn’t favor them ONE BIT 

u want a vibe for the beckhams??? “ the beckhams were courtiers and kings . when there was no castle to invite them, they built one” ( we stan ONE weird author lady named maggie)

insomnia!! the boy nEVER SLEEPS1! always thinking. always planning what’s next. gotta go gotta go gotta go.

kind of .. . a hopeless romantic :\ dated the same girl for most of high school but when she fucked off to ole miss she broke up with him in a text. so that .. . . . .. went well for him ..... still a dumb bitch tho and would love to hold ur hand

wire rimmed glasses, wool sweaters, light colored hoodies, distressed denim, cuffed pants, :\ chelsea boots :\

phobia of bees. there’s literally no reason for this other than my own, personal, geeked out pleasure

prank king

Smart Jock Type

plays guitar to relieve stress and you bet baby’s got some pipes here u go 

literally nothing like nicholas scratch DO NOT call him daddy

tall and doesn’t know what to do with all the extra limb like .  . . . . the fuck

will push you to your personal best in any conditioning circumstance

okay I THINK THAT’S ALL . . .. i’m a big fan of basic plots that kinda ebb and flow with chemistry BUT!! gimme the basics man . . . a roommate . . . a past hookup or two . . . some spicy friendships or . . . fRENEMIES even u know the drill

ok that’s all i hope u love him bc i am v nervous about playing A Man buT IT IS WHAT IT IS U KNOW

[altrcistics]

❄️❄️ –––– have you seen [ ESME MACMILLAN ] since the storm? some say they look like [ DANIELLE CAMPBELL ] but they’re [ 21 ]  & go by [ THE TACITURN ].  [ SHE ] lived in halloway for [ 11 YEARS ] & they are originally from [ LONDON ]. before the town vanished they were studying [ MEDICINE ] and lived at [ UNI BLVD ]. most people knew the [ CISFEMALE ] as [ ALTRUISTIC ] but i���ve heard they can also be [ RETICENT ]. for some reason, they feel [ UNEASY ] about the town’s disappearance.    ––– 

–––––– well , well if it isn’t me , b , with a broken theme !! but i’m too eager to pay any mind to it right now , and i’ve got homework due at midnight that has to happen after i get this baby posted . hi friends !! very excited to be here . this is my soul baby esme who is just trying her gd best and is stressed out 99% of the time . needs a 12 hour nap and maybe a therapist . summed up in a word ? soft , probably . i hope you love her like i do anYWAY GONNA leave this here and get to plotting so you can also hit me up at  b a y#9956 on discord!! 

LONDON.

weston and anna macmillan never planned on having a child. they were young and in love, and both had struck the genetic lottery – weston with his brains, anna with her trust fund. while weston was up and coming in the world of corporate law, anna had spent her life in pointe shoes and was at the top of her game as a principle dancer for the royal ballet in london. they were picturesque… perfect, even. until anna found herself to be three weeks late and their dazzling little dream life reached its first hiccup.

that hiccup entered the world screaming a whole nine months later!! tiny blue eyed esme grace macmillan was a fuckin handful even before she was born. as anna went through prenatal checkups, she found that her heartbeat was irregular. further tests concluded that she had hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (hcm) which is a genetic condition that affects the muscles in the heart and causes irregular blood flow. it’s not fatal, but it is hereditary and gets riskier with physical exertion. being a new mother, anna made the decision to shelve ballet and focus on this new chapter of her life.

which was probably a good thing! she loved being a mom, and it was safe to say that having a set of eyes on esme at all times was the right choice. she was restless and constantly full of energy. from a really young age, it became apparent that esme had inherited some of the best parts of her parents. she got her dad’s brains, catching onto things quickly and learning to walk and talk earlier than most. this turned into simple reading and messy writing shortly after. she wasn’t a very social kid though, didn’t talk much.

as soon as esme was old enough, she was put into tiny pink ballet slippers. she took a liking to dance, and this is when they realized she’d also inherited her mother’s natural grace. early on, it looked like she’d easily follow in her mother’s footsteps.

dance really really opened esme up. it was here that she started making friends and began tip toeing outside of her comfort zone and opening up a little bit, but her direction changed when she was six and discovered figure skating.

it was technical and lyrical like ballet, but it was far more challenging. even as a kid, esme loved a good challenge. so her parents bought her a pair of skates, and the rest is history. as she grew up, her weekends were occupied with practices, performances, and eventually competitions. she was a natural. and for the first time there was an air of confidence about her.

though she loved it more than anything in the world, her life soon came to revolve around school and skating.  it caused her to miss out on a normal childhood, never really making friends close enough to be invited to sleepovers or birthday parties.

that made the move much easier for esme. when she was 10, her father’s firm went international and he was put in charge of the american branch. thus, the macmillans hopped across the atlantic and moved to halloway for a fresh start, a new adventure.

HALLOWAY.

she took a small break from competitive skating when they moved; it was her parents’ choice in hopes of her actually making friends in new hampshire. and it worked! for a while. esme was still quiet, still a little too book smart and a little less than street smart. even as a kid, she was awkward, but she was kind and clever and for the most part — people liked her.

and life was good for a long time! she got back into skating, and around the time she was thirteen she showed no signs of stopping. in fact, her sights were set on an olympic medal, and though her parents were wary of her inherited condition, they supported her in every possible way.

entering high school, life got a little bit harder. her schoolwork and training kept her pretty tied up, and it was often really hard for her to balance a social life along with that. she didn’t show up to every party. she didn’t really have any interest in going on dates. she kept up with her friends and made time for the important things, but she wasn’t exactly the most open person.

this backfired real quick!! as a freshman, at a bonfire, a senior boy kinda came onto her and when she said nope no thank you, he got pissed. instead of taking rejection Like A Man, he decided to spread a little rumor about them hooking up. this combined with her quiet nature kind of caused her to get a bit of a reputation of being aloof and a bit easy which is so far from the truth. but high school is high school!! and people were fuckin mean about it for a long time thereafter!

around this time was also when her parents sorta…. fell out of love. as in… her father got a little power hungry, a little bored of his life, and like the cliche he is started having an affair. the secrecy of it didn’t last… long and he ultimately left both anna and esme. she felt kind of.. abandoned. like they weren’t good enough almost but.. she and her mom got . even closer because of it tbh. the macmillan girls don’t need no man!!

so she threw herself into her studies and even more so into skating. she trained in the morning and on the weekends, year round. winning competitions made her feel good, and she kept doing so. when she was fifteen, she competed at the world figure skating championship. though she didn’t medal, her scores were impressive and she became an alternate for the us figure skating team at 16. being so close to those five rings was enough to push her further.

she left traditional high school and threw herself even further into figure skating. (this only fueled halloway rumors that she was a bit of a snob akjdfha) after graduating, she enrolled at halloway part time in order to slowly get through her gen eds while training for, yup, you guessed it, the 2018 olympics.

and ya know what? it paid off. at 20, she’d had two world’s silvers and a world’s gold under her belt as she competed in the winter games. her whole life had been leading up to that moment, and she brought home an olympic gold medal in women’s figure skating. that’s right, ya girl fucking peaked.

it was a high, for a while. and she rode it quietly and gracefully. idk she was PROUD ok she worked so hard…. but her incessant need to be perfect and to continuously better herself was nagging in the back of her mind. she wasn’t sure how you could really get better than gold at the olympics.

needless to say, she’s in the midst of a bit of an identity crisis. with her heart condition and ya know aging… she knows figure skating isn’t a forever-thing. so she went back to halloway, taking an interest in medicine and trying to understand her own weakness— a weak heart. she began studying medicine and to fell in love with that profession, but . she honestly can’t stay off of the ice. activate existential dread! she doesn’t actually know who she is!

and then the heckin storm happened smh

NEW HALLOWAY.

with a calm exterior and a notorious knack for being maternal . . . someone , somewhere along the line said hey let’s put esme in charge of the hospital to which she said in a john-mulaney-esque voice . . . huh ? what ? huh ? what ??? huh ???? and then did it anyway

if she’s not on call or working at the hospital , best believe she’s studying because she’ll be the first to tell you she has no business calling herself a doctor 

it’s been months!! since!! they disappeared!! and she’s sort of adjusting to this new life which often makes her feel very, very guilty because she doesn’t know what’s happened to her mother at this point

when everything was frozen she still found time to escape and do some skating on the lake aksdjfhas

for the most part, she keeps herself busy ... someone like .... help her tho

PERSONALITY.

esme’s naturally introverted. she likes people, but she’s a textbook people pleaser and gets exhausted quickly when she’s socializing. she’s always been quiet, never the center of attention (unless on ice) and never the loudest voice in the room. when she does speak, though, it’s purposeful and articulate. the sort of ‘she doesn’t talk much but when she does it’s important’ kinda thing idk. she’s not meek ya know.. just reserved

she’s naturally… very kind. cares a lot about other people but struggles to express that which is why she gravitates towards the profession of medicine. she enjoys helping people ya know

ya girl keeps her shit close to her chest. doesn’t really want to bother anyone with her own shit and takes her anger out in physical activity, disassociates from her sadness by reading. a lot of people know her but not on a deep level. tbh does she even know herself? prob not

she’s not a stick in the mud, but she does need a little push every now and then. she lets loose when she’s around people that she’s comfortable with tbh. behind the prim and proper macmillan facade is.. a bit of a goofball. does not hesitate to participate in dramatically karaoke or midnight swims in a lake.

SOFT as fuck but she’s not one to be walked all over. she’s clever as all get out and when snapped at harshly enough won’t hesitate to snap back. she doesn’t get angry to the point of showing it easily, but when she does, she’s very purposeful with her words. don’t underestimate her she hATES being underestimated

competitive as heck. in academics, in sports, in board games. she’s a sweetheart but she will wreck you in spite and malice or sorry bc she just… has a competitive nature

really does give a shit about what people think of her. like… wants to be liked. not being liked by some people in high school really fucked w her bc she just….. can’t help caring about how other people perceive her and wants it to be positively. it’s in part because of how she was raised?? she grew up in a pretty monitored, strict environment between rigorous training and her parents’ world of the rich (will this change after the storm tho??? we’ll SEE)

values honesty like has absolutely 0 time to be lied to and 0 time for bullshit

SO curious, always ready to learn more

will make a fool of herself to see you laugh

a lil bit of amy santiago.. a lil bit of rory gilmore.. a lil bit of caroline forbes..

needs to relax; constantly Anxious

s t u b b o r n

literally never sleeps

doesn’t curse bc there are more clever ways to express anger

reputation: aloof and stuck up. reality: literally just shy lmao

is TRYING VERY HARD

WANTED PLOTS.

i have a few connection ideas here!! and a tag here!! but also…

friends from halloway that she’s just… straight up been pals with since she moved there

i’m… constantly thirsty for … girl gang shit. any of y’all watch the bold type? i eat that shit uP AND IT’S all i NeED TO BE . HAPPY OK

esme’s an only child and i would love to see a sibling-like bond for her

academic rivals pls and thank!! mayb in their major…. mayb back in high school…. paris vs rory anyone?

the maya to her riley oh man

a bad influence or even… the polar opposite . to her Mom Friend-ness

someone else who grew up in the realm of rich parents like galas suck but at least we got each other!!

neighbors!!

new friends! people who she’s met through halloway and quickly taken a liking to. super interesting dynamic bc… while she’s eager to know u she’s not so eager to …. open up lmao

previous roommates

y’all into angsty exes? i know this is the end of the world and all but that don’t mean wE CAN’T get SAD

someone she became friends w via… skating yikes akjdfha i swear that’s not her only personality trait

someone she agreed to tutor!! or study buddies!! ‘i’m going to cry literal tears on my flashcards please study with me!’

someone she was forced to be friend with post-storm. they step on each other’s toes but suck it up for the sake of everyone else

i .. love combining ideas and brainstorming too so!!! we can also do that!!

if you made it this far i’m literally going to cry bc i love you already for reading a rambling like this . aNYWAY !! that’s my esme. feel free to smash the like and i’ll come to you or message me on discord!! 

[blondecarfucker]

Bed of Roses (Chapter 20)

Roger Taylor x Reader

BoRhap!Roger Taylor x Reader

Fic Summary: It's 1971. You just moved to London to study, and you find a band on a local pub after a bad date. The encounter doesn’t go the way you expect it, and neither does what follows this evening as you try to deal with loving Roger Taylor.

Fic Note: So I’ve had this story in my head for the last three weeks and finally decided to write it down. It’s completely planned. It will have 21 chapters and it’s divided in three acts: Dusk, Night and Dawn. It’s will be a bit angsty in the future, and it will most likely have some smut as well. I hope you guys enjoy it! Tell me what you think about it in the asks/comments/messages. PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER OF THE STORY. If this is your first time stumbling upon Bed of Roses, thank you for stopping by! The rest of the story is in my masterlist, the link is in my bio - can't put the link here or else the post will disappear from the tags.

Chapter's notes: GUYS THIS TOOK SO LONG AND IM SORRY. im actually in another city at the moment and yeah, having free time has been a bit hard - i wrote this mostly on a plane and now im editing it on an uber on my way to class. BUT, theres only one more chapter to go!!! WTF!!!! its so close to the end???? i mean?????? but its been an amazing journey and mostly thanks to you all!! more thanks on the next chapter where im gonna be so cheesy thanking you all, just wait. anyway, nice fun sexy chapter to heal our hearts from the break up and stuff! hope you enjoy

Words: around 4k

Warnings: smut, alcohol, swearing probably. all in good fun tho. probably some errors cause its been a busy week

 ACT 3 - DAWN

"It's the moment night time seems weaker and everything seems easier to figure out"

Chapter 20

Paris

You hold Roger's hand as you wait in line for the immigration officer to check your passports. The activity in itself is something the both of you did many, many times before - you travelled a lot with the band.

But this was different. You were not only alone with Roger, but there was nothing concerning you - his mood, your job, nothing. You feel at ease.

Roger's idea to go somewhere where none of you knew very well was brilliant. Since you're outside of your comfort zone anyways, you were both more easy going, not overthinking anything, just spontaneous. You knew the time where you would talk about your relationship and how you want to deal with everything would come, but you weren't stressing about it. You would think about it once the time came - there was no reason to be concerned now.

Cause now you could only feel Roger's touch, hear him humming something - you couldn't believe he was humming La Vie En Rose, the most cliche Paris song of all times, but of course he was. His shoulders are relaxed, and he brushes his thumb against the skin on your hand. His smell is all around you.

You could really immerse in the presence each other, now. Ever since you left London, where almost everything between you happened, you didn't really knew anything else - the fields on the window, the french being spoken by the people on the cabin next to yours. So you just laid your head on his lap as he ran his fingers through your hair and told you about the little things you missed.

His eyesight has gotten worse, and now he can't really do anything without his contacts. He met David Bowie in an award show, and he thought of you - he knew how much you liked him. He still knew all of Fleetwood Mac's 1974 album songs by heart - he kept the album you left in the old flat.

And also stuff about the boys. John's kid was a cute, quiet boy, just like his dad, and he didn't enjoy any of Roger's songs when he went to rehearsals. Veronica was pregnant with another baby - Roger's pretty sure it's a girl. Brian was still thinking about finishing his PhD, but never got around doing it - his schedule is too crazy. Freddie was growing tired of the long hair and clean face, and kept thinking about changing his looks, but couldn't decide on what he would do. He told you that ever since Freddie and Mary broke up, he started seeing more guys - none of you thought much about it. It was just another aspect of Freddie's life.

Roger kept writing songs now, even when they were on tour or at home. He was getting annoyed at the "No Synths" rule in the band, and tried to convince them to drop it. But he was happy with the new album - he enjoyed how they simplified the process of writing it, and thought mostly about writing songs they can play live the same way they play it in studio. The last time they did it was in their first album.

You just kept looking up at him, his defined jaw glowing against the sun, his bright blue eyes looking down at you to watch your reaction, your grin once he told you he finally finished writing Sheer Heart Attack, a song he tried to get done and in an album ever since 1974.

And now the immigration officer called you, and you laughed as you watched Roger try to speak french to the guy before taking the matter into your own hands.

And when he asked you what was your relationship with him, you just smiled and said "mon copain".

-

You knew Roger chose the hotel as you packed in London, sitting between all the boxes so he could use your phone. You didn't pay attention to which hotel he picked, but once you got to the Champs-Élysées, you knew he spent too much money.

You got off the cab at the Four Seasons George V Hotel, a building that was basically a modern castle, and you stared at him, shocked. "Roger, you didn't do this", you told him, your eyes wide as you entered the spacious and luxurious lobby, your luggage already being taken to your room as the lady on front desk recognized Roger. "Did what?", he asked jokingly, raising his brow at you, even though he knew what you meant. "This hotel. It's too nice and probably a fortune", you told him, and he shrugged. "Hey, we deserve it. We always did. But now we can afford it", he winked, and then took the room keys from the front desk.

"C'mon, I want to see how you're going to react to the Penthouse Suite", he laughed, and you coughed. "Um, I'm sorry? The what now?", you asked, and he playfully pulled you into the elevator.

He kept looking at you the whole lift ride, excited and nervous - he wanted you to like it, to enjoy his efforts, to take him back into your life somehow.

When he opened the door and walked to the side, his old genuine smile was back on his lips, and you couldn't help but smile back, even before taking a glimpse into the room.

And what you saw surprised you - everything looked expensive, but still comfortable. You first entered a huge living room, and every couch looked comfortable enough to sleep in. Then you walked to the bedroom, and the huge bed caught your eye - it was big enough to fit comfortably at least five of you. The bathroom looked like a spa, a huge bathtub in the middle of it, a delicate statue of a woman under the window that overlooked the Champs-Élysées.

You walked to the balcony with Roger beside you, and he laughed when you gasped.

The Eiffel Tower looked back at you, glimmering at the sunset.

You looked at Roger.

"You're unbelievable, you know."

He smirked. "I'm just trying to get you in bed, though", he told you, and you laughed as you walked closer to him.

"You did that when you didn't have a penny, Rog. You don't have to get us a huge suite with artwork everywhere and a view of the Eiffel Tower", you said, bringing him closer to you by his collar as he snaked his arms around your waist.

"I never have to do anything. I do it because I want to. Because I love you", he whispered, his breath against your lips, teasing, feeling like the ghost of a touch.

"I love you, Roger", you told him, moving your hands to the back of his neck and pulling him in for a kiss.

-

You held his hand as the cool wind passed through your bodies. It was the next day, and you've decided to walk to the Louvre by the side of the Seine.

It would be faster if you got on a cab, but the view of the Seine, the sounds of the city and the smell of pastries and perfume made everything feel even more like a dream. You were still tired from last night, and the night before it - you and Roger were acting like a couple in honeymoon ever since you met again, stolen kisses and arms wrapped around each other, trying to make up for the lack of touch in the last couple years.

And once you were alone, you'd hug and touch and kiss and fuck passionately wherever - sloppy kisses and love bites all over each other, first in London and now here. It didn't feel like you were together again for only about 36 hours - so much has happened, yet time passed by so fast. It was like you lost touch with reality ever since you looked at his hands on the pub.

When you thought of being alone in New York, it felt like a past life. But the weird thing was how your first years with Roger also felt like another life - you wouldn't act the way you did again, ever. But you were grateful for both times of your life. You felt like you could never get here, to Paris and to Roger, if those things didn't happen.

You got to the Louvre and you were surprised at Roger's interest - he wasn't simply acting interested while trying to get you to leave somewhere else with him. He was genuinely interested in the art, commenting about each style and dropping trivia about artists.

"Someone has been spending some time with Freddie, I suppose", you noted, and he gave you a half smile. "Well, the person responsible for bringing culture into my days spend some time away. I had to look for substitutes", he said, and you jokingly nudged at him.

He still looked at you adoringly once you started talking to him about the excellent state of conservation the mummy was in, or once you started analysing "L’Européenne".

You both kept quiet as you watched the Mona Lisa, only holding hands as you tried to get closer to the painting, dozens of visitors separating you from it. It was a time for reflection, too. The Mona Lisa invited you to think about yourselves, her neutral expression making you wonder - seeing it was one of your life long goals, and now you're realizing it with Roger. Being with Roger was something else you struggled to achieve, ever since the first time you saw him. But now it was the time to realize dreams - hell, you'll start working at the British Museum in a few days.

But you got distracted as soon as you got to the Venus de Milo. Roger snaked his arms around your waist from behind you and pressed a slow kiss under your lobe before whispering "You look just like her".

You felt a goosebump on your neck, but you tried to laugh it off. "I can think of a few things we don't have in common, though", you said, and he rubbed his nose on the curve of your neck. "Like what?", he whispered.

"I'm gonna start the list with the basics: arms", you told him, and he laughed against your skin. "I can think of a few other things, too", he tells you, back at kissing your neck. "Yeah? Like what?", you asked, and he sucks on your skin for a few moments, hitching your breath. "Your skin is softer", he says, and then lightly bites you, running his tongue over it to sooth it. "And you taste amazing. Everywhere", he whispers again, and you bite your lips as you feel another goosebump on your neck, and it didn't go unnoticed by Roger. "And the way you react to me”, he whispered, wetting his lips. "God, it kills me", he said, running his fingers over the area where the goosebump was.

It was a public place, but it didn't cross your mind when you turned around and pulled him in for a kiss, making it deeper as your tongue massaged Roger’s. His fingers brushed over your exposed skin, and you could feel how strong his grip on your waist was, wrinkling the fabric of your summer dress - probably inappropriate. You pulled him even closer to you by his hair, already used to its new length after two nights. It was only when you broke apart to recover your breath that you noticed how you were making out in a public place, and only because Roger told you.

"I know we're in public and I'm trying to be more discrete now, but all this artwork just made you look even more beautiful, like you belong around them. I just couldn't hold myself any longer", he said.

-

The warm water ran through your fingers as you filled the bathtub, only in your robe, as Roger spoke with the concierge on the bedroom. He told you he was getting champagne, but you didn't see why the concierge would go to the bedroom for it. Anyways, you wanted a warm bath.

After the Venus, you and Roger had a hard time keeping your hands away from each other. So you didn’t argue when he suggested you take a cab to the hotel.

The cabbie was an older man with a very rosy skin, and he barely knew how to speak english, but he sure tried - specially with Roger. You were suspecting he knew who Roger is, and Roger apparently thought the same, an amused look on his face as the driver tried to continue the conversation with him.

He was looking amused for another reason, too. His hands took his time on your legs, his long fingers brushing over your inner thighs, making you press them together as you tried to control your breathing. Roger kept talking to the driver as he slowly moved his fingers closer to you again, and you bit your lips to hold a moan when he pressed two fingers against your core.

You were already wet from all the teasing, and it goes through the lace of your lingerie, wetting Roger’s digits. He took his fingers away from you, and you frown as he rubs his two fingers against his thumb, smirking at you.

Then the driver asks him something and he turns to answer, putting his hand on your knees and then quickly sliding them up, moving them to your core again, massaging your clit for a few seconds. He looks at you so he can see your reaction, and you can hear the driver’s voice as you grip on Roger’s arm so he keeps touching you, pressing your lips together to keep quiet.

He keeps smirking as the conversation with the driver goes on, and you decide you can tease him, too. You move your hand from his arm to his leg, and he moves his gaze back into yours as you move your hand slowly to his inner thigh. His eyes get wider once you run your finger over his length, his cock already getting hard and visible through his always tight pants. The driver called his name so he answers another question, and you wrap your hand around him through the fabric of his trousers.

His breathing audibly hitches and he tries to be discrete by making it into a cough. He answers the driver and then looks at you, but you’re looking forward, innocently. He smirks again and then pulls your lingerie to the side, and, without more teasing, puts his two fingers inside of you. You gasp, and the driver looks at you suspiciously as Roger starts pumping his fingers inside of you.

But then the car stops in front of the hotel.

You take your hand away from Roger and he does the same, feeling like two children who got caught with your hands inside the cookie jar. Roger pulls out his wallet from his pocket so he can pay the cabbie, his fingers still glistening as he holds the leather wallet.

You then walk to your room without saying anything until you close the door. “So, that guy was pretty close to figuring out our little teasing game, huh”, he said, unbuttoning his shirt. “I was pretty close, too”, you said, winking, and he smirked. “I guess you want to go back to where we were before getting interrupted?” he raised his brow.

But you wanted to tease him a bit more. So you nodded a no. “Actually, Rog, I think I want to take a warm bath”, you came closer to him, wrapping your fingers on the back of his neck. “That’s a really good idea, in fact”, he said, and started undoing his belt. But you held his hand in place. “But you won’t join me”, you said, and he pouted in protest. “Not until you get me some champagne. I thought you were gonna be romantic before luring me into bed, Taylor”, you said, and he laughed. You let go of him and turn around.

“Can you unzip me, please?”, you ask, and you can hear him scoff, annoyed at your teasing, but then you feel him slowly unzipping your summer dress, then moving his hands to your shoulders as he slides your dress down.

You're not wearing a bra, so you can feel the cold wind from the AC on your hard nipples, getting even harder as you felt his lips on your neck once again, his hands pulling your dress down at your hips before it falls to the ground.

Then you move away from Roger’s grasp as you walk to the bathroom, without looking back at him, and you can feel his eyes on you as he watches your hips sway as you walk, only in your burgundy lace panties, your hair cascading on your back.

And now you’re inside the bathtub already, feeling the smell of roses and cinnamon from the bath salts you used, waiting for Roger. You hear the door close, and the concierge is gone.

“Rog? I’m waiting for you”, you say out loud, waiting for his answers. “Actually, I think I’m not in the mood for a bath. But your champagne is here”, he says, and you can hear a fake tiredness in his voice.

“Are you sure you’re gonna leave me here, alone, in this bathtub? I’m gonna have to do something to let the time pass, you know. And you’re gonna hear me do it without doing anything about it?”, you asked with an affected voice. You haven’t teased him in so long, you forgot how fun it was, especially cause he always teased you back.

“As tempting as your bathroom plans sound, I’m also alone here, you know. And your champagne is here. Can’t believe you’re gonna waste it after I got it just for you”, he said, and you laughed. You got up from the bathtub and barely dried yourself on a towel before putting your robe back on and walking to the bedroom.

Roger was sitting against the bed’s headrest, completely naked and rock hard. You moved your hand to your lips and you let out a sigh at the vision. He looked like a greek god - Apollo, maybe, with his golden locks shining against the afternoon sun, his skin glowing under the golden hour lights coming through the window. The bed was filled with red rose petals under him, the smell filling your lungs.

He opened his eyes when he heard your sigh, and he smirked at you. “Get the champagne and come here already”, he said, pointing his head at the table where a Dom Pérignon bottle sat on an ice bucket, and you did so. You climbed on top of the bed and started moving towards him. “Are you suggesting we play with food, Mr Taylor?”, you asked, and he nodded. “Give it to me and I’ll show you”, he told you, and you gave it to him as you sat on his thighs.

He popped the bottle open and some of the liquid poured over the edges. He licked it, looking at you, before undoing your robe with his free hand. He pulled it to the sides, looking at you with admiration as if he was unwrapping a Christmas gift.

You took the robe off and threw it to the side, and his free hand moved to the back of your neck and pulled you in for a kiss. It was a slow, delicate kiss, where Roger tried showing you love, admiration, respect. Not only how much he wants you, but how much he cares about you.

But you pulled him closer to you, moving closer to him, and your bare breasts touched his naked torso, making the two of you moan.

That gave a new sense of urgency to the kiss, and after a few seconds, Roger broke it apart. “Tell me if you want me to stop”, he told you, and you nodded. He poured a bit of champagne above your collarbone, the cold liquid making you shiver, and then Roger’s tongue licked it, warm and wet.

He looked up at you to make sure you liked it, and you gave him a quick nod. He smirked, then poured champagne on your other collar bone, and licked it off again.

As you seemed to like it, he poured champagne between your breasts, licking it off right after and waiting a few seconds to see if you’d protest. He then finally poured a bit of champagne on one of your breasts, right above the nipple, licking you and the drink.

He kept doing it for a while, sucking on your skin that tasted like champagne and cinnamon, the smell of roses intoxicating him.

You broke away from his touch, and he looked at you, confused. “Can I try it?”, you asked, and he nodded, passing you the champagne bottle.

You started above his collarbone, and you could feel him moving under you. You wondered how much he would be able to wait before fucking you, considering he was already hard before you licked champagne off of him.

Once you poured champagne over his chest, you didn’t lick fast enough, and a drop of champagne rolled down on his torso. You leaned in to lick it right before it fell to his pelvis, mere inches away from his cock.

The feeling of your tongue close to his length did it for him - he had to have you, right now. He gripped your hips and motioned them up, and you understood what he wanted, so you got on your knees and stood right above him as he positioned himself on your entrance.

You slowly moved down, feeling him filling you, and you let your head move back as you moan in pleasure, your moan intensifying as you heard Roger’s voice whispering your name.

You started riding him slowly, small moans leaving your lips every time you felt him bottoming out inside of you, but you wanted him to go deeper.

So you got off of him, and he grunted, frowning at you as he saw you on your knees in bed. But once you leaned forward, putting your weight on your elbows, he smirked. “I want to feel you deeper”, you told him.

He moved to your back, spreading your legs a little more so he had better access to you, and you both cursed under your breath as he got inside you again slowly, so you could get used to his size on this new position, his grip on your ass getting stronger once he was completely inside you again.

You moaned his name, and he moved his hands to your waist so he could move inside of you with more control.

He developed a rhythm after a few moments, and all you could hear was the sound of your skin on his and the moaning (and cursing) coming from his lips and yours, too. You could feel yourself closer to your orgasm.

It wasn’t long before you reached your high, crying his name as you pulled the duvet into your fists.

Roger kept thrusting through your high, but once he noticed you were done, he pulled out. "Can you turn?", he asked, and without much thought, you turned over and layed down, wrapping your legs around his hips.

He gave you a tired smile and then got inside you again, thrusting. "I like to look at you", he told you, closing his eyes, focusing on his movements. He was like that for a few seconds, and you could see the beads of sweat forming on his face, his blonde locks glueing themselves to his forehead.

As his movements got more intense, you could see he was close. "Y/N? Can I pull out?", he asked, and you nodded a yes. He liked to do that sometimes, when you could get messy, but it has been so long you nearly forgot.

So he pulled out and his cum fell on your torso, covering your breasts and stomach. He fell to your side and stayed there for a few moments, before opening his eyes and looking at your torso. "Sorry for the mess", he said, getting up and going to the bathroom. You smiled when you heard the sink open, and your smile got wider as Roger appeared with a warm cloth on your hands.

"I guess this helps", he shrugged, wiping his cum from your torso carefully. Once he cleaned most of it, he giggled. "Maybe a bath is not a bad idea, after all. Will you join me?", he asked, offering you a hand.

---

Chapter 21

Masterlist

Taglist:

@taylorroger-s @sarai-ibn-la-ahad @its-nessi @anamcg317 @frenchieswiftie @queen-danielle-dani-dan @minihemo @shutup-sorry @theyrealllegends @killerqueenisthebest @ashagracelove @hardy-s @fuckinghurricanesoul @secretsweetscollectionblog @mrswinterhater @11mb0 @tamtam-go92 @derptatosaur @brianandthemays @phantom-fangirl-stuff @the-hysterical-queen @rogerofmylife @notevenlxvely @discodeakyy @x1975sos @16wiishes @jennycidesstuff @partydulce @melros-e @onevisionliz

[fckyeslore]

whats your favourite part about state wide competitions? mines the part where theres always that one school whose team sucks, they’re rude, but they win because they have money and hire people to do things for them. And probably bribe the judges.

Put a TL;DR at the bottom because oops this is long

One Act states in the Studio(blackbox) division, final level for the competition as One Act competitions are separated by state, we(Chelsea, my old highschool) had a show called Bang Bang, You’re Dead that made many people cry(including me) and it hit home, since it was a show about a school shooting. Note that this is Studio, and it’s for minimal sets and relying more on the actors putting on a show and their abilites than having something pretty and large to look at, that’s what Main Stage(regular production) division is for.

Everyone who saw it agreed that it was fantastic and deserved a very high ranking. After being lied to about what our lighting situation would be, we had to improv using spotlights and the fullstage lighting, which was fairly annoying, but every school had to deal with it, so /shruggingemoji.

-We were under the 45 minute time limit by 46 seconds, so we were good in that department. 

-We had minimal set pieces, only a largeish wooden coffin in addition to the 6 boxes, 4 LED lights, and our sound system, so we were good in that department. 

-The actors were all doing very well in their roles, both in their presence and with their voice, and all of the people who saw it who I talked to agreed on that, so we were probably good in that department.

-The costumes all worked well and looked good and fit the show, so we were good in that department.

-Characters were developed, so we were good in that department.

-Script was well cut, bar the ending where they were just listing off things that the deceased would never get to do, and like 1/2 the things for the girls ended up being ‘ill never have a boyfriend/get married/go shopping’, so we could have done better in that department. 

-Overall was a stellar show, a few things that could’ve been improved but overall, was very good.

John Glenn, effectively Chelsea’s rival at this point, did a steampunk production of Hamlet. 

-Their acting troupe that was less than stellar, at best, in both their physical presence and their voices, so fuck them in that department.

-But their set was very pretty and large, so they were good but fuck them in that department, since they were going against what the whole division was about.

-The costumes looked nice, so they were good in that department.

-They hit the time limit at 45 flat, but the other people who were timing (even the ones not a part of Chelsea) timed them as 45:01-45:02, which is pretty big, so fuck them in that department.

-Characters weren’t developed, so fuck them in that department.

-A lot of the lines were sexist and the script itself just wasn’t that good imo, so fuck them in that department.

-Overall a very pretty, but not very well done show.

Come time for awards, Chelsea didn’t even get 3rd and wasn’t announced at the ceremony, which caused a bit of an uproar from people once it was done but w/e, this kind of thing happens to us(more on this later) . Turns out there was a tabulation error in our scoring, and we actually got 2nd place. Much better, but can’t take back the fact that we weren’t announced as what we deserved.

CHELSEA FINAL SCORES OUT OF 100:

Judge 1: 88

Judge 2: 94

Judge 3: 85

Guess who got first? John Glenn.

JOHN GLENN FINAL SCORES OUT OF 100:

Judge 1: 99

Judge 2: 99

Judge 3: 99

Everyone’s happy that we came in second and not unranked, but those of us who know John Glenn and have experienced them before in competitions are all mad about the fact that they managed to get first by basically sliding by on the rules.

so y’know how I said that annoying things keep happening to Chelsea? Well let me take you back to my senior year of highschool, where Chelsea put on the production of The Firecracker Incident.

This was before the Studio division was a thing, it was all just one division. This was the year that that changed. The results of this made so many people so mad that a few major schools in the program (including Chelsea) put together a case about how having a separate division for blackbox/studio shows would be beneficial as it would give the schools who have less money a chance to compete in something. It passed, but only after a lot of fighting.

=The Firecracker Incident was a tragicomedy about 14y/o Joe who just got moved into his sister’s closet, which had gotten the door removed on it. He was then grounded for the entire summer after he just “happened” to tie one of her Barbie dolls to a black cat firecracker. His best friend then breaks him out and takes him over to his house where he goes on an adventure that ends up in someone almost dying. We performed it as a blackbox, the only props we had for the entire show were 6 black boxes, 4 picture frames, two prop swords, a stick (it’s a staff), a bow with fake arrows, and a blanket.

We’re at John Glenn for Regionals, the step before States, the place where the points actually matter. Between the last show being done and the awards being given out, everyone that I talked to said consistently that 2 shows were the best out of the ones that they saw and that they stood above the others; The Firecracker Incident, and one of the schools’ production of The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. 

John Glenn’s show that year was another poorly performed show, Pan(I think?? I can’t actually find anything on it but I’m pretty sure that’s what it was called). There was mucho problems with the script, with sexism and rape jokes being not the least of them. But, as usual, they had a really big set that was very grand and pretty, and they had a full cast all in wonderful costumes and everything.

It comes time for the awards, and only two schools are going to make it onto states. The first school announced (who basically came in second) is... not Chelsea, or the school that did the Spelling Bee. Everyone cheers and claps out of formalities, but are a little confused. The second school announced (who basically came in first) is... John Glenn. Everyone cheers and claps out of formalities, but are very confused and I watch at least 5 people walk out of the room at that point. The rest of the awards are given and anytime that Chelsea’s name was called out for one, the judges got a small look of disdain on their face and said our name with some contempt, not enough to point it out to them and ask why or bring it up to anyone who matters, but those of us in the audience heard it and saw it. We couldn’t do anything about it, but we noticed it.

Now, the judges reaction to our show could be summed up in saying that they basically just didn’t understand the show at all. They just straight up didn’t get it. -At the beginning we had some people do some stage combat with swords (and some magic guys) to tell people that it started off as a game. The audience saw it as exciting and a cool way to do things. The judges saw it as unnecessary and unsafe, even though we had a professional come in and teach the two actors how to do it, and the judges were informed of this. 

-A little later on we had people holding up very large picture frames and do various poses to show that they were posters in the basement, since Joe’s friend is a massive WoW nerd. The judges words were “I didn’t understand that and it just didn’t seem necessary, it distracted from the scene as a whole”.

and they just kept pecking at this small stuff and didn’t really impact the whole show, or it just showed that they didn’t understand it and didn’t want to put effort into understanding it. (Because let’s be real here, you’ve been a part of theater for at least 20 years and you haven’t heard of World of Warcraft? You’re trying to find excuses)

And its been this way for as long as anyone in the Chelsea HS Theater group can remember, if John Glenn is competing against Chelsea, they will ‘mysteriously’ come out on top, even though Chelsea has the better show. Now sure, it’s theoretically possible that they out perform us and we just have horrible luck, but that’s really unlikely because everyone always loves our show. Like, in the hallways, people will make a point to say that they love Chelsea’s show, and not every school gets that. So people have pieced together 2 main theories for this:

1. The judges are fucking idiots and care most about how the production looks rather than the contents of the show. But this is disproven by the fact that there are other schools who also have very large and pretty sets, but lose to John Glenn, even if the actors perform much better and the script is better.

2. John Glenn High School bribes judges.

Now we can’t bring either of these up, because we have no solid proof of anything, it’s just a lot of speculation, but there’s enough evidence there that the schools agree that something’s fishy. But we can’t bring anything up. So we have to just deal with it.

TL;DR Fuck John Glenn, they can go get disqualified from everything ever until the end of forever. Other schools earn their wins, they buy theirs, and it’s been this way for a while, and we can’t do a damn thing about it.

[oxyjinwrites]

Malibu (MYG)

*Not part of the challenge/other prompts*                                                               Pairing: Min Yoongi x Reader                                                                                   Songfic: Malibu- Miley Cyrus

The sand. Beautiful sunsets. Everything was perfect.

Something about the place just gets me emotional.  Lyrics came pouring in my mind, like the ocean waves rolling into the sand. I remember perfectly how the sound of the guitar and seagulls inspired me to write the melody of the song. It took me less than half an hour to come up with this song. Now, i’m sharing it to the world for the first time.

Possibly to him, the man behind this song.

After 2 years of taking a break, I decided to write a new album, and now it’s nominated in numerous categories of the Billboard Music Awards. I was invited to the nominees party and a lot of people congratulated me.  Just the next day, something caught my eye on the news.

“BTS: the first ever kpop group to be nominated for a Billboard Music Award” along with the picture of the seven boys taken at their recent concert. My attention was caught by the short, fair-skin young man in the left corner of the picture. Min Yoongi.

Gosh Min Yoongi, it’s been a long time.

“Hey, you are up in 5 minutes”

I was torn away from my train of thoughts. This was not my first time performing, but i could feel every ounce of my body stiffen. Nervousness starts to reel in, to the point i felt like puking. Is it due to my 2 years absence? Or is it due to performing a song I wrote about Min Yoongi, infront of Min Yoongi? I had no clue.

I cautiously made my way to the stage, afraid that i would ruin the train of my designer dress. My mic-stand and guitar was waiting for me. I adjusted my guitar, and then proceed to scan the audience. I located BTS at the far back, and could see Namjoon and Hoseok waving at me. I smiled back at them. Soon the lights were dimmed, signalling the beginning of my performance. I strummed the first few chords, and a whole ocean of emotions starts to wash over me. Memories instantly came flooding back.

I never sat by the shore under the sun with my feet in the sand

But you brought me here and I’m happy that you did. Cause now i’m as free as birds catching the wind

It was our third year anniversary, and he suggested that we go on a trip together as a couple. I suggested to go to metropolitan cities such as Tokyo, New York, Vancouver. He shook his head telling me no, and that he had plan the destination. 

“We’re going to Malibu. You never had the chance to go to the beach, so why not for our anniversary”

So, off we both go. Excitement and fear filled my heart. Little did i expect that i would be visiting again after several years, let alone enjoying the ambience.

I always thought I would sink, so I never swam

Sometimes i get so scared of what I can’t understand

“You gotta try and take risk once in a while.” he said and drag me to swim in the ocean with him. “It’s not my fault that i’m not a risk taker.” I said while using all my energy to stop him. He sighed then led me to one of the beach chairs. He sat, held on my hands, and look me straight in the eye. “That goes the same for songwriting, you shouldn’t be afraid to try something refreshing and new”. I paused and processed everything, while looking down on the sand that was hugging my feet. “Babe, i know that you’re stuck with no ideas for lyrics, i mean it doesn’t hurt if you try something outside of your comfort zone, who knows it might work out.” He said. In the moment when i brave myself to glance up and look him in the eye, i knew he was right. Goddamnit min yoongi is always freaking right.

“come on, the point of this trip is to relax and have fun” he said and flash me his gummy smile before he ran into the ocean waves. Guess what? So did I.

But here i am, next to you, the sky’s more blue, in Malibu

“See, i told you that you would like it! You never know unless you try” he beamed at me, as we were drying ourselves from the ocean swim. “Fine, whatever you say honey boy” I said and slapped his chest gently. He pulled me into a hug and his warmth immediately took over my body. I wish i can freeze time because i swear, the clouds weren’t visible and all i could see was a wide blue yonder.

I never would’ve believed you, if three years ago you told me, I’d be here writing this song

“Congratulations babe, see i knew you could do it, you just have to see it from another point of view.” Yoongi said, as he pulled me into a tight hug. I took his advice and experiment on different genres. I finally could write my own full album.

“Any song about Min Yoongi?” he asked and smirked. “There are definitely a couple of them” I said, my cheek turns into a rosy shade. “Anything about Malibu tho?” He said then chuckled. I laughed with him. “Not anytime soon, i still prefer tall skyscrapers over beaches.” I said. “Well, someday you will, i can feel it someday you’ll write about Malibu.” He said, “And when that song is released, i’ll be sure to send you an i-told-you-so text” He said while chuckling and ruffling my brown hair.

Should have known from Agust D that Min Yoongi’s side job is fortune telling.

Sometimes i feel like I’m drowning and you’re there to save me”

“I can’t do it anymore Yoongi, the album is not doing well. Maybe i should just stop writing songs, and go back to my old job.” I said, stress washing all over my body. “What?! No! Always remember why you decide to choose songwriting, think about it. Think of why you started this in the first place” He said with a slightly raised voice.

“It’s just that i’ve tried so hard, and try everything i can. It just doesn’t work out. No one wants to listen to my lyrics.” I said as I feel tears welling up my eyes.

“If people don’t like your lyrics, then so be it! Not everyone can appreciate and understand art.” He said pulling me into a hug, while rubbing my back to soothe me. I cried my eyes out on his chest.

“Trust me, one day they will, just don’t ever give up”.

I wanna thank you with all of my heart. It’s a brand new start. A dream come true, in Malibu

It was a usual monday morning in the studio, when my manager called. “Your album is Top 10 on Itunes and No.1 in several countries.” My manager screamed over the phone. I feel my tears welling up. Finally after years of hard work and perseverance. “OH GOSH, thanks for the news! I’ll call the others to tell this good news” I said then immediately hung up. I scrolled over my messages, and stop on my chat with Min Yoongi.

Oh, how badly i wanted to text him.

We ended things a couple years ago, and we haven’t talk to each other ever since. I guess he had some credit towards my success now. The events happening in Malibu kept replaying in my head. I decided not to text him, and proceeded to text my friends.

A sound of clap and cheers once again cut me off from my train of thoughts. I immediately open my eyes, and reality came back to me. I just finish my performance, confetti and balloons falling down from the ceiling. I look around and smiled at the crowd, trying to make every eye contact possible. Just then, i made an eye contact with a familiar brown orbs. Min Yoongi. His messy black hair, his fair white skin, his small heartwarming eyes. A few tears formed in his eyes, as he continuously clapped along with the audience. His gaze wouldn’t leave me. I let out a small sigh, unable to contain the tears i’ve been holding. I wipe my tears, as i smiled back at him.

Thankyou for shaping me, Min Yoongi. I am eternally grateful.

[thebrushedbalcony]

Sunday Night 8/5

   I suppose I wasn't in the right headspace earlier in the day. I had gone to bed late the night before, I had had one or two small screw-ups that I could write off as not my fault. I had a full 9 hours of sleep before Saturday - and that was after a few short nights. My birthday had been the Thursday before, and I was generally in a good mood during/after. Steven smoked me out at 10, I went to Old Chicago after, and then Tessa and Hoppe came and hung out for just an hour. I suppose at this point, I had been smoking about 6 nights a week for 2 weeks (started right after I lifted my self-imposed ban on not smoking after I closed). 

I guess if im going that far back I might as well take an even broader picture of whats been happening in my life recently. Its been 8 months since I moved out into this house. Eight months since I began easily removing any mental boundaries I had set in stone for myself. Drugs, Sex, language (still gonna hold onto that last one for awhile). Something I haven't nearly done enough soul-searching about is God! I'm worried I have so easily dropped an entire life that had been pointing me towards a life of bible-reading, church-attending, and being the perfect role model. Like Amanda moving in! A year ago I would have been proud to flaunt that I didn't smoke or drink or have even the slightest thought about dirty sex outside of a sanctioned marriage. Now look at me, I'm everything past Ethan liked to believe he was better than everyone else about. I guess thats a long-winded way of saying I'm a big ol' hypocrite! These are the big things I have held onto my whole life - my way of always thinking in the back of my head that I'm "better" than everyone else just a bit. And now its all gone awaaay.

I don't mourn the loss of my "innocence" or whatever tho. These were all my decisions, I thought these all out. Sure half of it was probably my hamster going into overload, but just maybe it wasn't! Some of these christian laws and rules that everyone has to follow don't seem very rooted in solid logic. But wow, maybe thats my hamster again. Spinning in overdrive to make up logical reasons for my stupid decisions. Either way, I've got no regrets! This last night is really pushing that though. Sex was fun, and I'm going to continue to have fun with it during my life. Marijuana is fun! I presume I'll still be getting high for years to come. Maybe. Last night was actual, existential pain like I've never felt before. I was able to fully slide into the victim mentality - first time in my life. But I'll get to that later. I'm not sure who these last two paragraphs are for, but I think that is a pretty good look into my head going into last night. Oh yeah - that’s what the point of all that was! Alright. Back to the story. 

5 grams of weed. That’s how much I helped Josh distill. 30 bucks, if I went to a cheaper dealer. Josh was on TOP of the math, apparently the cup he just poured was one-hundred-freaking-milligrams. Josh and I didn't take that number seriously. Maybe Josh did more, in the back of his mind, but we both knew steven took like, 80mg of the stuff and didn't feel anything! And the "30mg" cookie I took a week or two ago wasn't really that bad anyway. No way this is 100mg. "These edibles ain't shit!" as I drank actually 100mg and sealed my incredibly unforunate fate. Drank it at 8:30, and I could actually feel it really fast. Like within minutes, just a small sense that something was off. In a good way of course, like cool! Getting high already.

First hour was fun. I was already kinda in a daze, having only got 6 hours of sleep the night before. Having fun, music was great and I even pulled out my phone and recorded whatever strange conversation we were having at the time. The other three were pretty hyped about a firepit, I still think its very funny Josh had lived there so many years and had no idea if there was one around still. I was inside, stuck to a chair when I recorded a bit of what was going on in my head. This must have been about 10:15:

"the house is all screwey. Its like every thing I see is instantly as distant as a sharp memory, srrange focal points and strangw perspectives. Im dreaming? Weird nostslgia molding together, in a not normal way. like an old distant life. im lazq ‰) %/"#÷ame. wow, hah This is lucid, but stuck. Its self aware lucid and is all."

It had been a bit over an hour and a half and I was practically in a dream state. Whats strange is all my other experiences with edibles is I don't notice myself getting much higher after 1.5/2 hours. I guess there was just so much weed it kept on being absorbed. Anyway, Amanda came and grabbed me as Josh and Drew were trying to get the fire started. I was having a grand old time, stumbling around and in complete awe as to how I couldn't file anything I was seeing into a clear and defined memory. It still plays out like an extremely vivid dream in my head. None of the wacky dream stuff was happening, like people I didn't know or new settings, but everything had that strange sheen and warped perspective of not really being there. 

I believe it was 10:30/45 when I had to stumble away from the campfire because I had a sudden and very specific feeling that I was going to throw up. I got to my car and realized there was actually a whole lot that was going wrong. I held onto the driver's side of my car for dear life as my reality slowly splintered into anguish. I would have said pain right there, but that wouldn't be right. It wasn't really a sharp bad physical pain, I get a nice dose of that whenever a migraine hits. No this was like, being unplugged from the matrix but the only other option was death. To continue the analogy, I would try and plug myself back in but realized in horror the only thing that defined my existence was a few vague memories from my past when nothing really special happened. That’s all I was, a big ol poser in life with only a false personality given to me by my parents and my church with a few unrelated memories that I pretended tied it all together. It was like my personality and my own being was being broken down to it's pure biology - the entire person I had spent my whole life building up just being ripped away. The worst part is I was locked out of anything that had happened in my brain for the past 10 years. All the dreary foggy terrible memories were from random times when I was growing up, and none of them even had bad emotions attached to them! The horror was them being displayed to me as the only thing that made me a person. It was lifeless, cruel, something was telling me that I've never had any real life, and it was going to rip away every single lie I have told myself since I was born. And all that would be left is a broken and defeated nothing of a living being.

Now, I don't presume to get all spiritual here. That "something" was me, I mean right? I took too much drug, and it went to TOWN and the only thing they had to work with was this brain up here. I'm.... not sure where it came up with all that though. A current working thesis is that... it uncovered something? If marijuana truly only had my brain to work with, it pulled that ugly monster out of SOME deep dark corner. Now I'm sure it completely amplified and morphed this small insecurity into the terrible monster that it became, but nevertheless it was a monster of my own creation. And thats what makes it so terrifying, I was in agony and defeated by MYSELF. Well, plus a buttload of drugs. Hmm, maybe that was it. But Josh and Drew had the same amount! It could be explained away by different tolerances or different mental makeup. Either way, I crossed my boundaries like, WAY far.

Maybe I am overthinking this. I have slowly learned to deal with migraines for the past 10 years - and thats been a huge struggle to fight my body with my mind! Once it hits I can't do anything to stop it. But I've learned to accept it, I ride it out and deal with it - acknowledge that it'll get better eventually. I suppose that is the line of thinking from last night that kept me sane. I knew weed couldn't kill or maim you. You better believe I held onto that thought - that idea like it was my lifeline. 

Anyway I told Amanda where the spare was, I got in my car and laid down eventually. I was glad Josh was there in the car with me for some of the time, as I mentioned earlier I knew I had no qualms putting myself in the "very bad victim" category. Normally I would feel bad Josh had to sit in the car with me for 30+ minutes, but I didn't! I was in so much bad having his slight uncomfort was almost expected. That sounds super selfish and I'm very grateful but thats how it was hah. He grabs me some water, dips inside towards the end so he didn't have to stay out there forever. Eventually I get inside, and onto the couch (around 12:10) and I somehow zoned out until 3. I remember some small conversation, someone passed me some sherbert and I think Amanda made pizza later. I knew I didn't want to sleep on the couch so I went downstairs and stole the bed in the middle of the room. Got about 6 hours, and still felt high when I woke up. And theeen I lazed around all day, took a nap and left and came here at 8. 

So in conclusion. I think I might have got a bit too fanatic about the whole "hidden mental closet" thing, but maybe not. I definitely had a LOT of weed, and it definitly hit me wrong. The next few days will tell if there is anything different in how I...live? mentally? I think even now 48 hours the shock is wearing off. Even typing this it seems like a really vivid dream. I might not have even typed this if Josh hadn't mentioned that I maybe should, that these experiences can fade away. I guess i'm not surprised, my sober mind is probably busy chucking that memory into a trash bag and dragging it down to the landfill!

I guess, with my first few paragraphs being hindsight, I do have a lot of scary thoughts that I don't think about. Who am I really, what are my real boundaries, if I can throw out these big boundaries so easily, who's to say I chuck the baby out with the bathwater and give up on my personality as I've started with! Haha naa, I like what I am. There I said it, I am haappy with who I am. Maybe a bit more sex would help with the self esteem, and a bit more money would be quite welcome as well - but I'm doing alright. I've got my own house, a freaking perfect mini-studio in here, a tired but nice job, and a really awesome friend in Josh. In his parent's freaking fairy-tale house. 2/10 would bad trip again fo sho