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thebrushedbalcony · 6 years ago

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Sunday Night 8/5

I suppose I wasn't in the right headspace earlier in the day. I had gone to bed late the night before, I had had one or two small screw-ups that I could write off as not my fault. I had a full 9 hours of sleep before Saturday - and that was after a few short nights. My birthday had been the Thursday before, and I was generally in a good mood during/after. Steven smoked me out at 10, I went to Old Chicago after, and then Tessa and Hoppe came and hung out for just an hour. I suppose at this point, I had been smoking about 6 nights a week for 2 weeks (started right after I lifted my self-imposed ban on not smoking after I closed).

I guess if im going that far back I might as well take an even broader picture of whats been happening in my life recently. Its been 8 months since I moved out into this house. Eight months since I began easily removing any mental boundaries I had set in stone for myself. Drugs, Sex, language (still gonna hold onto that last one for awhile). Something I haven't nearly done enough soul-searching about is God! I'm worried I have so easily dropped an entire life that had been pointing me towards a life of bible-reading, church-attending, and being the perfect role model. Like Amanda moving in! A year ago I would have been proud to flaunt that I didn't smoke or drink or have even the slightest thought about dirty sex outside of a sanctioned marriage. Now look at me, I'm everything past Ethan liked to believe he was better than everyone else about. I guess thats a long-winded way of saying I'm a big ol' hypocrite! These are the big things I have held onto my whole life - my way of always thinking in the back of my head that I'm "better" than everyone else just a bit. And now its all gone awaaay.

I don't mourn the loss of my "innocence" or whatever tho. These were all my decisions, I thought these all out. Sure half of it was probably my hamster going into overload, but just maybe it wasn't! Some of these christian laws and rules that everyone has to follow don't seem very rooted in solid logic. But wow, maybe thats my hamster again. Spinning in overdrive to make up logical reasons for my stupid decisions. Either way, I've got no regrets! This last night is really pushing that though. Sex was fun, and I'm going to continue to have fun with it during my life. Marijuana is fun! I presume I'll still be getting high for years to come. Maybe. Last night was actual, existential pain like I've never felt before. I was able to fully slide into the victim mentality - first time in my life. But I'll get to that later. I'm not sure who these last two paragraphs are for, but I think that is a pretty good look into my head going into last night. Oh yeah - that’s what the point of all that was! Alright. Back to the story.

5 grams of weed. That’s how much I helped Josh distill. 30 bucks, if I went to a cheaper dealer. Josh was on TOP of the math, apparently the cup he just poured was one-hundred-freaking-milligrams. Josh and I didn't take that number seriously. Maybe Josh did more, in the back of his mind, but we both knew steven took like, 80mg of the stuff and didn't feel anything! And the "30mg" cookie I took a week or two ago wasn't really that bad anyway. No way this is 100mg. "These edibles ain't shit!" as I drank actually 100mg and sealed my incredibly unforunate fate. Drank it at 8:30, and I could actually feel it really fast. Like within minutes, just a small sense that something was off. In a good way of course, like cool! Getting high already.

First hour was fun. I was already kinda in a daze, having only got 6 hours of sleep the night before. Having fun, music was great and I even pulled out my phone and recorded whatever strange conversation we were having at the time. The other three were pretty hyped about a firepit, I still think its very funny Josh had lived there so many years and had no idea if there was one around still. I was inside, stuck to a chair when I recorded a bit of what was going on in my head. This must have been about 10:15:

"the house is all screwey. Its like every thing I see is instantly as distant as a sharp memory, srrange focal points and strangw perspectives. Im dreaming? Weird nostslgia molding together, in a not normal way. like an old distant life. im lazq ‰) %/"#÷ame. wow, hah This is lucid, but stuck. Its self aware lucid and is all."

It had been a bit over an hour and a half and I was practically in a dream state. Whats strange is all my other experiences with edibles is I don't notice myself getting much higher after 1.5/2 hours. I guess there was just so much weed it kept on being absorbed. Anyway, Amanda came and grabbed me as Josh and Drew were trying to get the fire started. I was having a grand old time, stumbling around and in complete awe as to how I couldn't file anything I was seeing into a clear and defined memory. It still plays out like an extremely vivid dream in my head. None of the wacky dream stuff was happening, like people I didn't know or new settings, but everything had that strange sheen and warped perspective of not really being there.

I believe it was 10:30/45 when I had to stumble away from the campfire because I had a sudden and very specific feeling that I was going to throw up. I got to my car and realized there was actually a whole lot that was going wrong. I held onto the driver's side of my car for dear life as my reality slowly splintered into anguish. I would have said pain right there, but that wouldn't be right. It wasn't really a sharp bad physical pain, I get a nice dose of that whenever a migraine hits. No this was like, being unplugged from the matrix but the only other option was death. To continue the analogy, I would try and plug myself back in but realized in horror the only thing that defined my existence was a few vague memories from my past when nothing really special happened. That’s all I was, a big ol poser in life with only a false personality given to me by my parents and my church with a few unrelated memories that I pretended tied it all together. It was like my personality and my own being was being broken down to it's pure biology - the entire person I had spent my whole life building up just being ripped away. The worst part is I was locked out of anything that had happened in my brain for the past 10 years. All the dreary foggy terrible memories were from random times when I was growing up, and none of them even had bad emotions attached to them! The horror was them being displayed to me as the only thing that made me a person. It was lifeless, cruel, something was telling me that I've never had any real life, and it was going to rip away every single lie I have told myself since I was born. And all that would be left is a broken and defeated nothing of a living being.

Now, I don't presume to get all spiritual here. That "something" was me, I mean right? I took too much drug, and it went to TOWN and the only thing they had to work with was this brain up here. I'm.... not sure where it came up with all that though. A current working thesis is that... it uncovered something? If marijuana truly only had my brain to work with, it pulled that ugly monster out of SOME deep dark corner. Now I'm sure it completely amplified and morphed this small insecurity into the terrible monster that it became, but nevertheless it was a monster of my own creation. And thats what makes it so terrifying, I was in agony and defeated by MYSELF. Well, plus a buttload of drugs. Hmm, maybe that was it. But Josh and Drew had the same amount! It could be explained away by different tolerances or different mental makeup. Either way, I crossed my boundaries like, WAY far.

Maybe I am overthinking this. I have slowly learned to deal with migraines for the past 10 years - and thats been a huge struggle to fight my body with my mind! Once it hits I can't do anything to stop it. But I've learned to accept it, I ride it out and deal with it - acknowledge that it'll get better eventually. I suppose that is the line of thinking from last night that kept me sane. I knew weed couldn't kill or maim you. You better believe I held onto that thought - that idea like it was my lifeline.

Anyway I told Amanda where the spare was, I got in my car and laid down eventually. I was glad Josh was there in the car with me for some of the time, as I mentioned earlier I knew I had no qualms putting myself in the "very bad victim" category. Normally I would feel bad Josh had to sit in the car with me for 30+ minutes, but I didn't! I was in so much bad having his slight uncomfort was almost expected. That sounds super selfish and I'm very grateful but thats how it was hah. He grabs me some water, dips inside towards the end so he didn't have to stay out there forever. Eventually I get inside, and onto the couch (around 12:10) and I somehow zoned out until 3. I remember some small conversation, someone passed me some sherbert and I think Amanda made pizza later. I knew I didn't want to sleep on the couch so I went downstairs and stole the bed in the middle of the room. Got about 6 hours, and still felt high when I woke up. And theeen I lazed around all day, took a nap and left and came here at 8.

So in conclusion. I think I might have got a bit too fanatic about the whole "hidden mental closet" thing, but maybe not. I definitely had a LOT of weed, and it definitly hit me wrong. The next few days will tell if there is anything different in how I...live? mentally? I think even now 48 hours the shock is wearing off. Even typing this it seems like a really vivid dream. I might not have even typed this if Josh hadn't mentioned that I maybe should, that these experiences can fade away. I guess i'm not surprised, my sober mind is probably busy chucking that memory into a trash bag and dragging it down to the landfill!

I guess, with my first few paragraphs being hindsight, I do have a lot of scary thoughts that I don't think about. Who am I really, what are my real boundaries, if I can throw out these big boundaries so easily, who's to say I chuck the baby out with the bathwater and give up on my personality as I've started with! Haha naa, I like what I am. There I said it, I am haappy with who I am. Maybe a bit more sex would help with the self esteem, and a bit more money would be quite welcome as well - but I'm doing alright. I've got my own house, a freaking perfect mini-studio in here, a tired but nice job, and a really awesome friend in Josh. In his parent's freaking fairy-tale house. 2/10 would bad trip again fo sho

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thebrushedbalcony · 7 years ago

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Journal

Well, it seems this is just for me anyway. I've already had a big week and I think I want to put down what has happened in my week so far. Sunday: The big move out. First I ate lunch at David's house, wow Aron has lost weight! Got some acne cream from his mother as a test, we will see how that goes. Then I went to my parents house to talk to my mom about herbs and my new little garden I just planted. When I got home it was two moving parties swiftly moving everything out. I mostly hid in Josh's room... gave Dani the biggest cold shoulder and was in a sour mood all day. Dropped Julia off at her fancy house then us three went to five guys. The plan was to get a TV but they were closed... the whole plan had been to watch Ragnarock... but we no longer had a TV. Luckily Josh was chill with putting his monitor on the ground, we bot got a little high and I had an actually awesome time watching from his bed. Monday: got up, told three people I couldn't come in early and me and Josh bought a TV!! We were stuck between two Vizio's and the guy said "nope don't get those get this one" and we were like "damn alright yes". Very worth. It was a miracle I got to work on time. That night Josh was playing Zelda all night so I think once he was passed out I just read my textbook and then the strange houses book until bed. Tuesday: Ho boy. Started out with a nice little delivery, young life. Got home and all I did was wire manage our new TV setup, felt pretty good. Had a good nivardo shift, and decided half-way through I was going to see the 10:35 Black Panther showing! Utterly KILLED front counter closing, hit up 7-11 (oh, not before wrestling whether or not to pay for Dani to come along) and then only missed about 5 minutes of the movie. Had the whole place to myself! Got out and Dani was out with Josh Michael. I couldn't admit it but I was super jealous. Drove around the parking lot backwards for a good 30 minutes, then hit up Palmer park. It was a good time... I scared away some young MJ smokers. Bought a water at cum and go, then got fed up and drove home. Josh was barely holding onto reality and I kinda vented about how much of a mess I was. Dani asked if I still wanted to hang and I said yes... took her a long time to get to the house. I wasn't sure what I was expecting... but it ended up with us on the bed making out. Okay. And while I didn't get to make it that night I still had some actual fun. (almost as fun as the Saturday before) We were up until 5 and it was a good time. Wednesday: Got up and barely made my 2PM shift. I had to help James out ALOT but I got it done relatively fast (especially compared to last week...). Did a little shopping and got home around 11:30. I think Josh was playing games so I just had some snacks upstairs and got lost watching avengers clips on YT. Finished a chapter in bed then watched a long recap of the other movies before turning in. Thursday: And then today! Woke up, made a smoothie, hung out with Gracee and Josh and Julia a bit then went to see Infinity war. Got a bit lost trying to find a gas station and then barely made it in time for the last preview. Got out, did some shopping for high food then parked myself at home. Noone was there for two hours, I read a whole chapter on the internet in my textbook! Then I cleaned a small section of the counter and then made a meat pie! Josh had gotten home around when I had finished. I took a shower and as soon as the pie came up I did some exercise. I came downstairs with the pie and boom, Josh is loading the vape. Gracee is back, and Hannah comes a bit later too. We watch sausage party(ugh...) and that was interesting. Everyone falls asleep so I watch Her. And then here I am! Glad I had decided to put the sheets on my bed before the movie. Friday: Who knows, if I can have a fast Friday shift I'll be happy Saturday: Thankfully Dani took the 8 - 11 portion. Then I got my brother's birthday, and then Steven Wilson!

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thebrushedbalcony · 8 years ago

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The Perfect Woman

Possible? Of course! I see it in every movie, book..... song..... *sniffs* ANYWAY. I have had some very recent events got me thinking much harder about my standards. What is a dealbreaker for *ME* personally, and what can I let slide. Mainly the quick thing with Sas and my infatuation with Aria. My bright idea is to make a LIST. Primarily of things that I can’t budge on and a smaller one of things I think are okay in the long run. Without further ado.

1. Must be at least a 7/10. I’m not used to using this sort of rating system for girls, but it gets the idea across. Beauty isn’t everything but you better be darn sure I am attracted to SOMETHING other than my wife’s personality. Next,

2. If in debt AT ALL: have a solid plan already worked out _on her own_ how to get out of it. Without my intervention. This is taken even more seriously if its a huge student loan or something. She better be dedicated to this nurse thing otherwise.... I can’t take on something like that. Maybe I would wait until she learns how to manage money but debt is like trying to hide the fridge under the living room carpet.

3. Must be a Christian. I ain’t gonna go deep into specifics or requirements here. I probably wouldn't meet them myself. If I did it would probably be something about having a relatively solid 2-way relationship with God, staying in the Bible, living out a telling life. I personally don’t pass my own compatibility test yet in this situation. I HATE being any sort of hypocrite. So yes, I am not here yet in almost all capacity. But, I am going to hold true for now and keep this as a requirement.

4. Has a hobby. She NEEDS to have something (other than “finishing school” blech) she is doing on the side for fun. At this point, I don’t think I care if its aligns with any of mine - although it would sure be convenient. I think this is half of the reason some girls are considered clingy. Its because their hobby is GUYS. Relationships, romance, love whatever it is. That’s all good, and I suppose the normal thing for girls to like. But, she needs to have a thing of her own. Apart from me (and God I suppose). I am not perfect. We won’t always want to spend every living moment with eachother doing the same things. It just speaks of maturity that someone is able to have their own personal hobbies without hitching a ride on someone else’s just because they are married now.

Well. I actually don’t think I need that smaller list right now, those four things seem to be the pretty broad guidelines. As far as I know, smaller quirks can be observed on a case by case basis. And I guess I will update the above as I learn more about myself, god and relationships. I am super glad I have this down on paper though. I have a solid baseline.

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thebrushedbalcony · 8 years ago

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Dogs.

We take a break from our regularly scheduled program too talk about dogs. No, not even talking about women. I am just angry so this has relevance in my life! Dogs are... selfish. So are cats of course, but they show it in other ways. Dogs *need* attention. Some will literally will starve themselves if their owners aren't home. Dogs are incessant about touch, and will 100% have no qualms walking all over you until they are noticed. They don't care if you want to eat in peace, use the freaking bathroom alone, or keep your new clothes clean. They care about you all-the-way up to the line where you are giving them food and physical stimulation. Your belongings? Personal space? Hopes and dreams? They can't even begin to fathom such deep subjects in their tiny little brains. Am I being unfair for comparing them to human intellect? ... no? I don't think so. You ain't *MY* best friend if you don't even know how to COMMUNICATE. Forget interpersonal communication, you are lucky to find a dog that has a solid way of letting it's human know if they are hungry. Now, I do have to add something on here. Quite a few people love dogs. To death. Such as the people who we are dog-sitting for. I don't look down at them at all. I like my life, how it is, without a dog yapping at my back biting my arm literally trying to get me to play. It's like a tiny child, but you have no eventual goal to look forward too (such as a worthy conversation partner). Now, if I was up in the mountains and struggling to survive, freak man sign me up for a dog! But down here? With other humans, good friends and uninterrupted video games? I will keep dogs as a novelty I can admire at other peoples homes. To ah, sum this rant up. Other people must have different emotional wiring to co-exist with a needy dog, and they are awesome for being able to. I, personally, find I get angry at them far too much to be healthy. Today, I got super angry at the middle one and yelled at it, which got him even more excited and riled up. Which got me livid. I came close to physically exploding. But that is behind me, and yes. No dogs for me.

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