#this started out as a vent but honestly.. why does it look lowkey kinda good

[xulips]

the you i fell in love with

[mugichaaaa]

Bad Batch Analysis prt2

Welcome back everyone to part 2 to my Bad Batch analysis trailers. The trailer just happened to be posted around midnight and my wifi went out in the morning so I couldn’t really do much until now. Since we got another AMAZING trailer for the Bad Batch series I believe it’s time to do another analysis. If you haven’t read my first analysis from the first trailer you can read it here 

Without further ado let's get started. 

The first scene we get from the trailer is a shot after that one shot we got from the first trailer. This could probably be around the time they landed on Kamino because if you look in the top right corner there is the Havoc Marauder. 

Training Sequence

Next we see one of the many training grounds on Kamino. It’s strange seeing only one training ground and not multiple. It seems like this specific training ground might be underwater, as there is this long pole in the center with surrounding lights around it. Now that might be a reach, but honestly where could you see that training ground on the round houses above the ocean. 

Along with that in the Legends there was a Kaminoan Jedi who lived under the sea to try to prevent the vision she had. (the vision was the clone army betraying the Jedi) So it could be possible when the Kamioan’s were building the floating city they builded the bottom levels to be used as training grounds or something. 

In this scene we can see that Echo is using a vibroblade. Now is this Echo’s own vibroblade or does this belong to Hunter and Echo just picked it up to destroy one of the droids?

I feel like this shot can tell us a lot about the bad batch and how they interact with each other. Hunter and Crosshair are looking at the camera to which I can probably assume where Tarkin speaks to them. Echo lightly turns towards the direction of Tech, Hunter, and Crosshair. Tarkin probably said something that would make Echo turn to look at the three of them. 

Also Tech although very subtle looks at the ground. Now this could be two things, if Tarkin said something then it might be tech looking at the ground like a Child does when their parents scolds them. Or it might be Tech is exhausted and is looking at the destroyed droids all around him. 

Hunter is seen talking to someone (probably Omega) telling them that their squad (aka the Bad Batch) is nothing but trouble. We can see Crosshair and Tech walk to a door which I can assume to be their barracks for the time being (before they escape). 

I really like this scene from Crosshair. This seemed to show how well the Bad Batch worked together. Hunter throws his knife in the air and Crosshair goes and shoots it in place. Which might make it even more sad if Crosshair betrays the Bad Batch. Imagine this, The bad batch is in this certain situation where a duo between Crosshair and Hunter would work. Hunter turns to where Crosshair would normally be. 

“Cross lets-” 

All he sees no one, and the feeling of betrayal and pain seeps through him. 

“Right…” 

Hunter Civilian Clothing

So we see Hunter in Civilian clothes which is like. UGH please let me hold your hand Hunter. The first time we see them is at 0:31 where Hunter steals a speeder, probably to catch up to Fennec as we can see in 1:39 who has a kid. 

We get a better look at Hunter’s Civilian clothes, it really reminds me of Cut lawquane’s outfit from The Clone Wars Season 2 “The Deserters”. Maybe we might see Cut lawquane in the Bad Batch, if so I think that would be really great to see. Cut’s children with Omega might be the cutest thing we might get from Bad Batch, that’s if it happens.  

Now in this scene we see Tech piloting the ship, but if you look at the corner there is Hunter on a control panel with bandages wrapped around him. So this might be either Hunter getting injured from a mission (maybe from Fennec Shand??)

This kid (not Omega) is dangling onto a cylindrical object. The Following scene with Hunter and the kid following a speeder that belongs to Fennec Shand. 

The Final Part of the Clone Wars 

At 0:37 we see the Batchers coming down from what seems to be like a hill destroying B1 battle droids. While the next shot is Tech and Echo shooting down said droids. 

So in my previous analysis I mentioned how for one the explosions I was wondering if it was the Batchers or the Empire. Now with this new Trailer it seems to be leaning more towards the Batchers doing this. 

We see Hunter putting away his knife with Wrecker carrying what seems like to be a destroyed droid. 

Now I mentioned in my previous analysis that the snowy planet might be a Crosshair arc. But now with these new scenes with the snowy planet it might be a set up to Crosshair being something that most Bad Batch Stans don’t want. 

Crosshair as the traitor

So I know I talked about this in my last trailer analysis and I said this was very unlikely. But uhhhh now with this trailer I'm 70% sure Crosshair will betray the Bad Batch. Now the reason why I said Crosshair wouldn’t betray the Bad Batch was because the Purge trooper and Crosshair just didn’t have things that lined up. But now with this new trailer I am pretty worried for our boy Crosshair. 

This is the ONLY scene we get of Omega and Crosshair together. Any other scenes with Omega and the Bad Batch Crosshair is nowhere in sight. 

I literally called this when I wrote about my predictions about the Bad Batch series. Where I wrote two paths. One where Crosshair was not the traitor and stays with the bad batch and one if Crosshair was the traitor (I censor the right since it had my actual name since I did the bad batch analysis during school)

And 1:19 seems to likely prove my Crosshair is the traitor snippet I did. All the batchers + omega are running through what seems to be like the late night halls of Kamino. Who knew Echo would be following his brother’s footsteps. 

Again Crosshair isn’t here 

… or maybe he might be hiding him behind Hunter to give us anxiety about what happened to Crosshair. But if Crosshair is gone then they need a new sniper to fill in his role...

Omega

We are first introduced to a new character who is called “omega”.  Now who is Omega? Well we don’t know this is the first we EVER got to see them anywhere. Now when I first saw Omega I immediately thought of Satine’s Mandalore. We are not talking about the houses and clans (like house Wren). We’re talking about Satine’s Mandalorians (the pacifist) in which when we see her people in the clone wars they are normally pale with light colored eyes. Omega almost fits that but without the bright blue eyes. Another thing is that Omega kinda sounds like they have a Satine Mandalorian accent. As I was listening to Omega speak I was comparing it to Korkie and his friends and Omega lowkey sounds like Korkie’s friends but that’s probably a really big reach.

This is where I think if Crosshair betrays the Bad Batch this is where Omega would come in and take Crosshair’s role as sniper. We don’t know how good Omega is but with Hunter’s heightened sense his sight might be just as good to teach Omega to work with a bow and arrow

The Explosion

Now we have an explanation for the explosion we saw in the last trailer. It was definitely the bad batch and now we know it was part of the thrusters from a broken Venator Star Destroyer. Since now we got more context to that explosion, I believe that this will be on Bracca where maybe MAYBE we might see a young ginger Cal Kestis. 

Rex

*breaths in* 

REX I MISSED YOU SO MUCH 

I’m so happy Rex and Echo are going to a reunion. I really hope Rex and Echo have a moment where Rex completely vents to Echo about everything that happened. Like Umbara, how much Five’s death took a toll on him, and when he left Jesse and his brothers during order 66. It would be really interesting to see if Rex has some sort of survivor's guilt. I know we see a little bit in Season 7 when he’s talking to Cody about the Domino squad but after order 66 I think it would be nice to dwell onto a little more. 

Another thing I really hope we get to see how Rex meets up with Wolffe and Gregor. 

AT-ET Walker

We get a couple of scenes here of the AT-ET but here look at this. The republic symbol and the red paint is completely removed, it’s completely bare (which is so boring). Another thing is that the AT-ET are completely cutting across a group of people, these could be protestors of something that we yet not know of. 

It seems like Hunter and Tech snuck into and AT-ET, now the next scene we get is an AT-ET blowing up another AT-ET. There are two possibilities on who shot at the AT-ET, one could be the Bad Batch themselves shooting at the other AT-ET or two it could be the Empire shooting at the Bad Batch stolen AT-ET 

Saw Gerra

It’s really nice to see Saw Gerra, we have seen him in 5 star wars projects (Clone wars, Rogue one, Rebels, Jedi Fallen Order, and now Bad Batch). Since this is the beginning of the Empire we get that small time between Clone wars and Jedi: Fallen Order to see what Saw was up to. 

Fennec Shand

My wifey, I love her so much. But I did get something wrong and right with Fennec Shand in my last analysis. 

First of all the explosion we see with Fennec Shand is NOT connected to the factory arc but instead connected to Hunter saving the kid. 

But the thing I did get right was that one scene where Fennec was holding a gun out. That fog is from a fight and Fennec and her opponent are at a standstill. 

One thing new about Fennec is that she had a Kid dangling off her speeder. First of all that’s not safe at all and 2 why does Fennec have a Kid with her and then why does Hunter have the child in the next scene?

Small theory but this kid might be just like Omega that escaped. Fennec is sent out to retrieve the kid but Hunter is like “not on my watch” and takes the kid. Fennec looks shocked that Hunter interferes with her job and looks ANGY. 

Or this kid might be just some random kid that Fennec took. 

Now a recurring segment called Cool things I saw on the Trailer 

Just any scenes from the training scene with Wrecker is just cool and I’m like yes sir go off. 

I swear every scene with Wrecker is a joy to see. He just brightens my day all the time

Bad Batch are taking notes from Waxer and Boil about adopting kids during war times. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This segment was short due to most of the trailer being analyzed and not much random spread out scenes. 

And that’s that! Thank you all who read this far, I hope I was able to make this clear enough for you all to understand. If there’s anything else you saw in the Trailer that I miss I would love for you to comment about it! I think i’m going to do a countdown for Bad Batch, idk let’s see how I keep this up. 

[belle-keys]

I Love Matthew Fairchild aka Incoherent Thoughts about Chain of Iron (2021) by Cassandra Clare

I made one of these rant-rave reviews for SJM's book so check it out if you want, no pressure tho lmao.

Aight so I finished Chain of Iron last night and OMG I HAVE TO YELL like I loved it sooo much like yooo, I have a lot to say. I know the book is new so... beware for spoilers plebs.

Also context: I been reading the Shadowhunter books since I was 12 and I'm 19 now *insert dead emoji face* so yeah, I'm just so happy rn with where the Chronicles have come and the fact that they’re still ongoing *insert uwu face*. I remember when in like 2014-2015 or something when Cassandra Clare teased that Will and Tessa's kids' generation was gonna get a trilogy set in Edwardian London, loosely based on Great Expectations, and holy hell? I think that was perhaps one of the best days of my life considering how much I adore The Infernal Devices (that trilogy really changed the way I see YA literature... don't ask cus I won't shut up about it) (also yes I read TMI and loved it too but there's a “generation gap” between TMI and the other Shadowhunter books stylistically so don't ask me about that either cus I also won't shut up).

Anyway, shoo from here if you want a critical essay on Chain of Iron. I'm not providing that, this is just me raving here for the fun.

Listen... I want the bulk of this to just be two main things: The Matthew Situation, and then all the literary and judeo-christian meta aspects of it.

BUT I ALSO NEED TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE SO FRICK LET'S JUST START WITH THE OBVIOUS SHIT LIKE THE PLOT AND WHATEVER

Okay, the plot and writing and shit, let's get that out of the way:

The WHOLE Jack-the-Ripper-esque ambiance was just sooooo good man wow like I did not expect the book to take this cold turn but it worked so well. There was such a contrast between Jamie and Cordelia's warm little house and then the cold winter and the stabbings and shit and it felt like a nice little callback to the actual Ripper phenomenon that preceded them and a nod to the Whitechapel Fiend story from Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy.

Bitch OFC that whole thing with Wayland was a set-up like nawww that was too easy to spot and I get why Cordelia feels like shit about it.

Dawg Lucie was just the Among Us imposter here in that my girl was just venting and sneaking around with dead people and I was like nooooo girl run, don't deal with Fade this is a set-up THINK ABOUT JULES LUCIE THAT'S LIKE YO GREAT-GRANDSON *sobs* but yeah anyway my girl has death powers she gonna kill some bitches next book.

You see that confrontation between Lilith and Belial? MASTERPIECE DIALOGUE like this was the point within which I was just like "yo is this the book of Genesis or a YA Fantasy novel" like when Lilith said "I may have been cast out but I did not fall" like??????????????????? I YELLED she did not have to END Belial like that. What a bad bitch.

More on Lilith and Belial... "You, who brought nations into darkness? Shall I finally be able to tell the infernal realms you have gone mad, lost even the image of the Creator." HAHAHHAHAHA SHE SAID "YO BELIAL GO GET SOME THERAPY AND GET OFF MY ASS" LIKE??????

Ughhhh yasss Clare has improved writing diverse characters in this book compared to in The Dark Artifices in my opinion... I'm not gonna expand on it cus ain't nobody got time for that but like, I enjoyed how she wove Persian poetry and tales into the story and the way in which she writes Cordelia and Alistair. They're not caricatures of Persian people but rather multi-faceted beings who also happen to be Persian and I appreciate that. Also, Alistair and Thomas and Anna and Ariadne were just so fun and interesting to read as coupbles but also as individuals. She really higlighted diversity in a very natural manner. All I need is a hijabi character and I’ll die a happy woman lmao.

The level of META man like the references to Classics and art (I swear, she might have compared Matthew to angels out of Caravaggio AND Rosetti AND Boticelli paintings and I Am Living For It) and just all the quotes from holy books and shit omg I love it here like you really feel catapulted into the time period, she draws reference to external art and philosophy so well and I feel like she upped the notch on it in this book (didn’t know that was possible but it was the prose is BEAUTIFUL, archaic, but not pretentiously so). No, like the characters live in their OWN worlds of literature and art and history in the way we are living in THEIRS. They quote Wilde and Milton while we'll quote Clare. It's awesome.

This is an unusually structuralist take even from me but: I like the way the milieu social of the book, i.e., the high society Edwardian circles and their values, have a direct influence on the plot. James and Cordelia got married because society’s values essentially forced them to, not a demon. Cordelia abandons Jamie at the end of Iron because her shame as a woman in society and fear for her reputation made her, not a demon. Thomas and Alistair can't be together solely because of how Alistair tarnished the reputation of the Fairchilds and Lightwoods by using the horror of infidelity against them. Issues relating to marriage, gender roles, etc, stemming DIRECTLY from the time period rule the sequence of events to the same degree as the epic fantasy aspects (demons, Princes of Hell, the lore itself) do and I LOVE that dear God above.

OKAY THE GOOD SHIT LET US TALK ABOUT CHARACTERS AND SHIPS (N.B. but imma discuss Matthew and the Fairstairs situation separately below this portion):

Alistair's redemption arc: No, cus Alistair's redemption arc is honestly amazing. He really did change and it's not like his betterment as a person was linked to any one heroic deed but rather he simply decided he wanted to be better especially for his family and he decided to become a proper protective son, a caring brother, and an amiable friend. He fully owned up to his Malfoy tendencies and apologized without expecting forgiveness. He shows how he cares in the little ways and omg it's so sweet and tender. I really do want him to love himself now and be embraced by Matthew especially and the rest of the Thieves.

Dawg Lucie and Jesse are so funny to me like it's so hilarious how this girl fell in love with a whole ass ghost that no one else knows about like HHAHA. Are Lucie and Jesse my ult ship ever? Nah, but it's nothing to do with Clare, it's just that their relationship happened pretty quick and feels quite like something epicly romantic that Lucie herself would write. I just like slow burn and friends-to-lovers the most from Clare. To be honest part of me just wanted Lucie to not have a romantic arc all together but like, it's all good, I'm not complaining.

Okay Grace- like yooooooooooo I never hated her yunno. She has been abused and isolated all her life. It's not that she is a bad person, but rather that she does not know what being a person even entails. Can't even say she's a “doll” of a person cus she's never even been pampered like one by her family. I really started understanding her motivations since when they gave us her half-childhood with Jesse. I want better for her but cmon can she REALLY be saved???

GRACE X CHRISTOPHER *pretends to be shocked*... Okay, sometime in the middle of the Dark Artifices series some big brain put together a very thorough family tree of the families and like, it clearly showed that Grace and Christopher got married so like, lmfaooooo, I knew this was coming one way or another, but the journey to this ship is more important than the destination. Like in a way Christopher is such a cute baby lamb that it makes sense he'd end up being immune to her Grace-ness when he's just a cute little Einstein boiii. Like this is just so funny to me cus he's so oblivious to social conventions while she makes the milieu social her entire life so OFC it's gonna work. Like, this is such a worlds-colliding trope like just Give It To Me.

James and Grace - aw mannn Jamie just had me fricking wanting to hit a wall every two seconds cus like yooooooo every single time I think he and Cordelia are gonna stop being emotionally-constipated spouses, Jamie says some kinda shit like "omg me and Daisy are just friends uwu" like DO I NEED TO HIT YOU?????????? See I can't blame him for not slamming the door on Grace's face even tho he totes should- Jamie is so cerebral and kind that even if Grace wasn't using the enchantment on him, I think he would always be soft for her even if it isn't in a romantic way. There's just so much miscommunication cus like he said "Thank God" when she broke off the engagement with Charles and lowkey embraced her but it also wasn't his fault cus it wasn't even romantic BUT OFC IT LOOKED HORRIBLE TO CORDELIA like James literally never told the woman at least once that he loved her so OFC she thought she was back to square one with him dear God above what a mess. Not his fault, but she DID set down one rule for him: don’t cheat with Grace. And yeah even tho he hasn’t properly cheated, it must FEEL horrible to her cus she’s just been enduring the pain of their unrequeted love for so long :((

See imma just say it but if Cordelia thought that James didn't love Grace then she def would have confessed to him about her feelings right but like James, on the other hand, was delaying his own romantic confession cus he was BEING EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED and I can't even say the bracelet was solely to blame cus like my boi was just being so difficult omg I believe he should be lightly spanked by his three parents aka Will, Tessa and Jem *cries*.

Cordelia is such a MOM like she's so mature and stable and her self-preservation instinct? OFF THE CHARTS I love this woman like James definitely treated her well as a hubby but like I JUST WANTED HER TO HAVE CLOSURE ABOUT SOMETHING and boy oh boy she did get that closure she got it good but not from the person she expected in the LEAST *hehe* *pelican screeching*... like Lucie was being sus with the whole ghost business and James was being just, quite a case, dealing with Grace and Belial right and I don't blame them at all for their secrecy and shit but her FATHER DIED and her friends were hiding a lot from her so in a way she turned to Alistair for help but he could only do so much cus of his own pain (she couldn't even talk to her mom cus she's pregnant and she doesn't wanna stress her right) and then there was this emotional block between her and Jamie, Lucie was often absent and conspiring with the dead... the last person remaining was HIM (imma discuss this soon), but yeah my heart just went OUT to her cus she's tryna save herself and her family and she just doesn't know what to do. That's why I love the way her mom told her to stop holding herself back for others and live her own life. Like Cordelia grew on me so much cus in Gold she undoubtedly was a strange Elizabeth Bennet-wallflower hybrid and I... do not usually get attached to wallflowers but in Iron I feel like I finally understood that she was just tryna be unproblematic and self-preserving all along and nottt put her family and friends in a tough situation.... she reminds me of my mom personality-wise so yeah I’m totally rooting for her now that her *situation* in the past seems clearer.

Anna, Thomas and Matthew are such a SQUAD lmfaooooo like united in their gayness they'd be so unstoppable.

Will and Tessa are the most in-love of all the in-loves in this story and I respect that so much.

I lost a year to my life every time the romance between James and Cordelia got cockblocked. Like they were MARRIED and I thought they were gonna at least sleep next to each other at least once BUT NO James couldn't take a hint omg I'm actually gonna eat my fist and sob (but in retrospect, I think this serves a bigger purpose in terms of the narrative structure i.e. the interruption of all the spicy James and Cordelia action serves a bigger purpose which I think brings me to my next section, *exhale*)

Welcome to the Matthew Fairchild Enthusiast Club (this section is me talking out loud; it makes no sense):

bitch.

LISTEN TO ME LISTEN WELL I LOVE THIS BOY SO MUCH IMMA SCREAM I REALLY AM GONNA SCREAM MY FIST IS LITERALLY IN MY MOUTH *BACKFLIPS OFF THE ROOF WITH LANA DEL REY PLAYING*

Okay like where to BEGIN I think the Shadowhunter boy who I'm most attracted to is Julian while the one I love the most is Will but I think I see myself in Matthew the most. Like ever since that first story where the Thieves all met at the Academy then got expelled, I think that I just KNEW Matthew was destined to be epic. Plus the whole Wilde obsession? I’m no libertine myself but I just love his chaos and passion for life.

NO CUS HE'S SO WITTY AND SWEET AND EPIC AND YET SO SECRETIVE AND DEAR GOD ABOVE AHHHHH WILL HE SURPASS JULIAN FOR ME??? Ion even know but this is just sodjsgdwsdygyegydgef

Hear me out but I said after finishing Gold last March that I wanted this book to be Matthew's healing arc right so halfway into the book when I realized that we weren't getting all that good healing arcing I was confused just cus I thought it seemed natural to address all of his alcohol issues and sadness by now. LITTLE DID I KNOW CASSIE WAS SETTING UP A WHOLE OTHER ARC WITH HIM THAT I WOULD HAVE NEVER GUESSED WTH.

At first I thought Matthew didn't have feelings for anyone at all, and if he DID develop feelings unexpectedly, I fricking thought that maybe he's catching feelings for James, if anyone??? I mean, I did have some suspicions about Matthew from the get-go: like he's so secretive and as readers we think we know everything there is to know about him since we were all privy to the truth potion incident in his short story right BUT NO I GOT PLAYED AND I DESERVE IT SO BADDDDDD.

Listen I hadn't shipped him and Cordelia simply because I never thought it in the realm of possibility but it MAKES SENSE as a ship... think about it: he never says what he feels, he flirts with her like he does with EVERYONE, he is kind to her in the way he is with EVERYONE. Really, Matthew is shippable with everyone, doesn’t matter if they’re taken cus that’s just what his Matthewnes allows for ya feel. There is such a beautiful irony that CORDELIA herself did not see this coming. Even the little teasers and hints in Gold have only NOW started making sense to me likejhss. I just felt like the hints in book 1 did not indicate to me that Matthew really harbored real romantic feelings for Daisy. I thought he was upset that James and Cordelia were being fakes, not a developing CRUSH on the woman fgs.

Not to mention that you usually sense a ship building when the emotional connection or sexual tension between the characters is made clearer but to me their FRIENDSHIP grew right but it didn’t feel like Cordelia was thought that she liked him or he liked her so that means me and Cordelia are clowns *together* 😤

Okay I was lowkey having SUSPICIONS but I immediately shut them down right... like firstly when he took her to the White Horse in his car and she went OFF and OFF and off about how she felt free for the first time? I thought Cassie was just tryna develop Cordelia's self-liberation arc through Matthew there. Heck, I didn't even think ANYTHING of it when Matthew confession to Cordelia about the "truth potion" incident at all cus I was like they're FRIENDS??? BUT now it's adding up now...

See when they were at the inn place and he was telling her that she doesn't in the least seem like a 100 year-old married woman? I was like hmmmm he's so sweet but why did Cassie phrase it like that like??? When Cordelia later reiterated that she thought Matthew's flirting was “meaningless”?? I was like hmmm kinda SUS tho. And then when he and James had their fight over the way Jamie kissed Grace like again I thought he was just like? ion know? mad at James for it but I didn't think he was in LOVE with Cordelia??? So I immediately put aside my slight suspicions. The probability that he had a crush on James at that point seemed more likely to me.

BUT THEN it started hitting me that every time Matthew drank, even before he explained his issue with the truth potion, that Cordelia would note it, she would worry about him, she would think of her father which seemed so poetic to me, history repeating itself and all that but this time you can FIX it??? Yeah, but again I didn't think the L WORD would be involved man???

Now imma sound like a delulu shipper here but it just makes sense they would develop feelings logically- reason being that it definitely is possible based on the way Cassie set up the story, like there's a combination of little “friend things” that can turn this into a proper ship: Matthew rescues Cordelia in the ballroom when Grace captures James' attention in Gold. Cordelia sees her father in Matthew all the time but knows now she has a chance to be there for him in the way she couldn't have been there for Elias (classic “history repeats itself” trope, she doesn't want Matthew drinking in Paris like dhshghdfhdhch). Cordelia tastes freedom for the first time when driving with Matthew. Matthew caught James and Cordelia making out in the room and was pissed but not even HE properly knew why then??? Umm, when she thinks James is forreal cheating with Grace on her she subconsciously goes to Matthew??? I also found it funny just how every intimate marital moment between her and James got interrupted somehow. Like, it's as if the narrative is just a living force REFUSING to let James and Cordelia as a ship be consecrated. Heck, every time Matthew is scantily clothed Cordelia notes it. LITTLE CRUMBS I TELL YOU LITTLE CRUMBS.

I tell you when Cordelia showed up to Matthew's flat I thought they were gonna f*ck as friends but I got SOMETHING EVEN BETTER SOMEHOW

THEY ARE GOING TO PARIS LA BELLE EPOQUE PARIS THE PARIS OF DREAMS AND ART LIKE??? FRICKKKKK I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT ALLLL MAN? I deadass thought the story would be restrained to the UK but like it MAKES SENSE the trope subversion MAKES SENSE.

“In Paris, with you, I will not need to forget.” SHITTRGEGGGDG

BUT CORDELIA LOVES JAMES TOO LIKE I CAN'T DENY THAT... where are we GOING with this like Matthew wouldn't lie about his feelings and yet Cassie wouldn't give us Matthew and Cordelia crumbs to only end it in the next book immediately for her to just ditch him for James. I mean she was clearly holding back on fleshing out James and Cordelia as a ship for this but to WHAT END??? Daisy feels wild and free with Matthew and she feels warm at home warm with James. I can’t advocate for the sinking of ANY ship here.

Imma say what we're all thinking: Is she gonna give us a Will x Jem x Tessa type situation where Cordelia gets both of them cus I'm not strong enough for this but I also think it'd be really funny if James gets a surprise bi awakening in the next books and then we get POLY even tho this would never happen, it’s actually impossible, because of the whole parabatai thing.

Listen I ship Cordelia and Matthew much more than Cordelia and James, not that I dislike James in any way tho. It's just: Matthew is so unrestrained and she's so composed. They seem like an unlikely pair so it makes sense that they hit harder for me. James and Cordelia have such similar personalities but I ALSO don't ship James with Grace at all so like?? Poly would be... ideal... but it can’t happen especially cus they are fricking parabatai... a Will-Jem-Tessa situation seems more likely but mannnn ion know what to expect. I just want FAIRSTAIRS to have their moment in Paris. I mean James and Matthew clearly don't abhor each other for this.

Take everything I say with several grains of salt, take everything I say with the whole Dead Sea actually, cus I damn well know that Matthew is so flirty and whatnot that I’d have shipped him with anyone in their little circle but now that she set him up with Cordelia it all feels so right?? I have wanted this man in a good relationship since he walked onto the page in Nothing But Shadows so-

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I can't believe Cassia duped me like this omg, Matthew is gonna have his healing arc in Paris with Cordelia by his side like- THIS IS ALL I HAVE WANTED AND SO MUCH MORE. Question to yall btw: are you all as surpised at Fairstairs as me or did yall see it coming all along like smart people? Am I a lone clown? 🥺

BRUH okay criticisms of CC?:

Lmfao a part of me feels like I GOTTA say something bad about CC or the book but honestly I have no objective complaints about it as of now. Am I saying that it’s the PEAK of Young Adult literature and Urban Fantasy? I mean, I make no such claims tbh. I’m not here to be critical when I read as a hobby and when CC’s writing makes me happy regardless of how flawed some people see it.

Okay what next?

So like I’m excited for the adult high fantasy she’s releasing in the fall and whatever other works she might be releasing outside of Chain of Gold within the Chronicles.

As for TLH itself? Man I’m just VIBING like I suspect I will reread Chain of Iron soon and maybe one of the anthologies just because I am happy that this series actually happened after me waiting like 6 years for it when it was just a concept: a Dickensian retelling filled with poetry and culture and history and the conventions I so loved in TID at age 12. This is all I been wanting tbh. I’m just enjoying watching this series come to fruition for it to inspire and transform me in some way. I feel like in a way my coming-of-age aligns with that of these specific characters yet I ALSO feel like I raised Jamie since infancy. Wack.

MATTHEW AND CORDELIA IN FRANCE LA BELLE EPOQUE TO BE EXACT IMMA CRY I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AND AHHHHHH. ALSO WILL AND JAMIE GOING TO CORNWALL TO GET LUCIE AND MAYBE BOND I LOVE WILL. HE WAS ONE OF MY DILF AWAKENINGS AT AGE 12 AND NOW HE’S HERE AGAIN IMMA CRY. I WANNA SEE MATTHEW GET HAPPY. AHHH.

Ending with a fun quote: “In the wise words of someone or other, there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, Maurice.” 😉

[writingandmore]

Hi!!! May I get a HP, Star Wars, Voltron, and Disney matchup?

𝗕𝗔𝗦𝗜𝗖𝗦 + 𝗔𝗣𝗣𝗘𝗔𝗥𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘

19, Libra, Neutral Good, enneagram is 4w5, muggleborn Ravenclaw (with Gryffindor tendencies), and my patronus spirit is Hummingbird. Biromantic Pansexual Genderfluid woman using pronouns of She/Her or He/Him. Cherubic-like face, with short height (5'1") plus sized Southeast Asian woman with Spanish descent that has chic messy/wavy brunette medium hair that reaches to my shoulder, oriental skin, slightly upturned eyes, small lashes, chocolate brown irises, cute flat nose, heart shaped face, full cheeks, cupid's bow lips, a small beauty mark on the forehead, and naturally straight teeth with tiny gap in front (just imagine that it's a mixture of Marinette from 𝗠𝗶𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘂𝗹𝗼𝘂𝘀 𝗟𝗮𝗱𝘆𝗯𝘂𝗴, Musa from 𝗪𝗶𝗻𝘅 𝗖𝗹𝘂𝗯, and Alexandra Trese from 𝗧𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲---cause' my friend told me that I kinda look like them). My sense of fashion is in between emo and boyish plus korean glam, I sometimes let my hair down or styled like Lara Croft reboot.

𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬

Distant, quiet, and timid at first making people thought I'm a demure, modest, and self-effacing that looks "immaculate" or "one of a kind" (due to my protective mom, a reason why I've never been in a relationship) but the truth is, dunno how to initiate a conversation, but a total opposite if I open up---friendly, ambivert, witty, laughing loudly on a daily basis---like my happiness is too shallow, super talkative, eats a lot (yeah I can finish a huge slice of cake or a meal in one sitting), awkward, daydreamer (I got embarrassed from knocking at the door even I'm inside the classroom 😂), EXTREMELY CLUMSY (mostly gets bruises from hitting, bumping my head somewhere, walking into something on my way, and being careless to my belongings), secretly likes affection, easily overwhelmed, prone to melt over wholesomeness, flusters on compliments, lightly blushes on cheesy banters, eager to share what I know (especially about Catholic Church---my past teacher joked that I'll become a saint because of it 🤣), oftenly speaks full of sarcasm with a lowkey crackhead energy citing meme references, and talented girl who can be your no.1 supporter and unashamed to be true to myself but can be awkward to strangers. In terms of leadership, I only educate and guide than being a prefect (I might take the role seriously), will lift my group when there's lacking/incompleteness. About doing projects in school, I become too extra and prepared for efforts, but I'll forget the process in the end.

The extent, I'm expressive, warm-hearted, willig to help, kind, intelligent, supportive, nice, creative, enthusiastic, laid-back, determined, tough, competitive, and feisty outside, but a real softie that can be childish and dramatic that cries so easily (but will enlightened real quick by smallest things that makes me smile) filled with doubts, frustrations, and insecurities with fear of failure that pushes off the limits to to please everyone because they might get dissappointed from expectations---I simply can't stop proving myself too much because I'm a survivor of bullying. But I still managed to be stronger than ever after I stumbled, even it's a slow burn process. I can be blunt, intimidating, harsh, and a douchebag if I receive ends or I got interrupted while doing something. Immature, headstrong, perfectionist, demanding, hesitant, jumpy, forgetful, overthinker, quick-tempered, sensitive, and anxious (no joke, my nervousness makes me think worse scenario will arrive). Though can be procrastinator and arrogant, I raised as a religious 𝖺𝗇𝖽 diplomatic youth, willing to fight what I believe (including my dreams and what's important to me) and what is right. In addition, I have a habit of staying up late and doing sign of the cross to ease nervousness.

Rowdy and feeling-brokenhearted and bitter friend in the group who fangirl a lot, swears like sailor, will call out on people that we loathe, will make fun of your stupidity (in a good way) before helping, and bring gossips, but a hopeless romantic and cheeky (makes banter with sarcasms or pick up lines as an endearment, but gets annoyed if I received sappy or offensive one), Still generous and concerned person in a subtle and different way.

𝗛𝗢𝗕𝗕𝗜𝗘𝗦

My hobbies are singing, drawing, roleplaying, listening to music, chatting/browsing on social media, conceptualizing, writing, and reading some stuffs. I'll include making corniest jokes/puns, sleeping, and dancing when nobody's around or walking like a model if I feel so bold (even I'm terrible at both xD). I also used to learn Italian language a bit.

𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘𝗦

Loves kittens, milk tea, singing at the karaoke, cartoons, iced coffee, memes, cute things, watching YouTube videos (mostly pageants, ASMR, edit audios, and mukbangs), also enjoys playing games on my sister's PSP. Sucker for arts, choir, poetry, night sky, makeup, fun/deep/dumb conversations, Christianity, documentaries (about saints, real crime stories, and inspirational people), reading interesting stuffs, talking about social issues, and creative writing, chilling both indoors and outdoors. Beside that, my music taste are like late 90s-2000s songs (mostly rock, pop, and country) sometimes Catholic songs, kpop and ppop, chocoholic, and a sweetooth as well.

𝗗𝗜𝗦𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘𝗦

Things that I hate are stereotyping, HUGE creepy crawlies (spiders, toads, snakes, and cockroaches), firecracker sounds, thunder and lightning, being left out, loneliness, heart break, blackout, and judgemental people. If I found out that someone hates or backstabbing or being rude to me, I won't hesitate to throw offensive criticisms, leaving them with a "I don't give a f" attitude. One random fact about me is, I 𝗐𝗂𝗅𝗅 vent out EVERYTHING I despise in my entire existence---from bad soap operas to toxicity, worse scenarios in real life, and how terrible is my love life from unrequited feelings that I got, because it's a big deal for me, and I consider forcing me to do what I'm not into and manipulating me as my major pet peeves.

𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗚𝗚𝗘𝗥𝗦

In terms of triggers...I only have two which are ta𝖨king about divorce/annullment/separation because I came from a generational broken family (it sucks that some people I knew assumed that the reason why I'm overly unaware that someone is interested in me in secret, is I have "high standards" looking for a partner, but the truth is I'm strict and I have a personal preferences...I know my worth and I don't want settle for less!) and religion/beliefs discrimination, cause' there are reasonings that doesn't makes sense because some, sounds too hypocritical, like as if you're a morally good person.

𝗥𝗢𝗠𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘 + 𝗟𝗢𝗩𝗘 𝗟𝗔𝗡𝗚𝗨𝗔𝗚𝗘𝗦

My love languages are quality time and gift giving, but I actually swoon over physical touch (especially cuddles and cute kisses) and words of affirmation when it comes to having a partner, though I get attracted so easily, matured but can be a goofy person who's nice, friendly, kind-hearted, loving, faithful, and excels in academics is my cup of tea. Whenever I have a real life crush (which is rare), I act the same but deep inside, my heart is about to explode and will eventually share to my trustful friends how I highly admire that person, however if they spilled the beans out, I'll obviously deny it and will cry if they like someone else, it will take some time for me to move on, now I don't care for them anymore.

Best Friends to Lovers is my ideal trope because I find it very cute since you already knew each other before dating (which happened to my 2nd cousin, she married her best friend!)---perfect balance for romance, laughters, comfort, and tears when it comes to sharing your vibes, being there through thick and thin, safe with embraces, and helping each other to grow.

𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗩𝗜𝗔𝗦

My best assets are smile, eyes, personality, singing voice, artistic skills, writings, intelligence, oratorical skills and I have potential in hosting...so I can consider myself as a singer, artist, orator, speaker, and a top student who's a former active campus ministry member with three roles (choir leader, psalm singer, and reader).

May sounds different but I'm passionate for helping people through my talents and sharing my story to inspire everyone. I may look selfish, but I have a different way on how I show that I actually care also I have a biased sentimental value

Currently a college freshman, learning how to cook. I have so many interests, to the point I don't know what I'm into because of my dreams to become a popular Filipino YouTuber, a novelist, and being part of a successful chorale competing internationally...I also consider joining pageants at school too once the pandemic ends, but maybe.

HP: Remus!

- Remus is also quiet and a bit reserved when he's not in a familiar situation, so your own first impression on him would be a good one, as you'd seem similar to his own personality. He's sweet and is able to start up a conversation if he notices the other person is having a hard time doing so, so hopefully he'd be able to bring out your more extroverted and friendly self after a while so he can be around the more open you. He wouldn't mind you being a bit awkward-he's very much the same way-honestly, the comradery that would come from that would be more positive than anything else. He loves sharing knowledge and learning about new things, so your eagerness to talk about what you know would work really well also! He does a lot better when he knows someone has his back too, so your extra supportive nature would endear him to you as well.

SW: Han!

- Your nicer and more helpful personality would balance out Han's more standoffish vibes when first meeting. You might get on his nerves a bit first, but you'd quickly grown on him and, in turn, make him a bit of a better person. Your ability to be blunt and a bit harsh would serve you well if you ever needed to stand your ground on an issue that two of you have, as he can be quite stubborn.

VLD: Lance!

- Lance can be a bit immature from time to time as well, especially when it comes to trying to be funny or cheering up those around him-he's also headstrong and typically firm in what he wants to do, so your own determined personality would attract him to you a lot as well. He often puts off things he needs to do if they make him anxious too, but if you both recognize that you share that problem, helping each other might be a good solution!

Disney: Flynn!

- Flynn is quite a sarcastic and teasing person, so your own humor would match well with his. He's also quite a hopeless romantic as well, even though he's certainly not one to admit that right off the bat. He enjoys singing, and as he gets closer to someone he feels more comfortable doing so in front of them, so a partner he's been with for a long time would get to see him be more and more open with it. That also applies to activities like dancing.

[smol-grey-tea]

I was gonna write the romo attraction thing today but honestly i dont feel like doing it bc im just rlly upset about smth that im sure a lot of ppl can relate to

So my irl friend groups are very... well they dont know much about these kinds of things, i had to be a walking encyclopaedia for them about my identities like nb stuff bc they didn't bother to just... look it up.

When i told them i was trans they would say "omg are you actually trans?? I have a trans best friend!!" Yikes

Instead they would ask me to explain it. Which is fine, i kinda hate having to explain for the 5th time that no, using the correct terms and pronouns is not a fucking burden, and that yes, dysphoria is awful and wont just magically go away.

and when i tell them to yk, not use pronouns for me and just use my name instead, not 1 person did that. They just... misgendered me and used she/her when i explicitly told them that it makes me dysphoric. I then told them to use coo/coos/cooself instead bc i quite like it, but they still didnt use it.

Then i gave up and told them to use they/them since it doesnt make me dysphoric even tho i lowkey hate it. They still misgender me but said "they'll try to get used to it". Its not that hard guys what the actual fuck???

Anyway, i was actually going to talk about aspec stuff. So i only told one of them that i was demiromantic demisexual, and they said "wtf is that" which yk is not a nice way to react to someone coming out, but i have thick skin so i just explained it bc again they couldnt bother to search it, and they said "ok ig" and changed the subject when i wanted to explain my attraction???? I've never had anyone that i could talk to about my complicated feelings with being aspec and just when i thought i could i was shut down.

I thought it was over and done with, until they started to... ignore my fucking identity??? Which i would say is way more important and personal to me than my bisexuality??? They never did any of that bs with my bisexuality probably bc they were pansexual themself, but jfc is it that hard to not make jokes about me being horny or having a crush or joking about setting me up on blind dates??? It legit made me so uncomfortable and i have no idea what to say.

Bc remember, they didnt exactly respect my pronouns and kept using gendered terms to refer to me even more after i came out??? I swear it feels like its on purpose every time they called me a girl but whatever

Istg they forgot that im demi bc they keep making these jokes and ignoring that i dont feel sexual or romantic attraction like that and keep acting as if i want to date ppl or fuck them when i say they look pretty??? I spent way too fucking long mistaking my aesthetic attraction for sexual for ppl to once again reinforce this idea and im done with it. Please for the love of god stop it.

I said i liked wilbur and thought he was rlly cute and they then proceeded to, you guessed it, act like im in love with him or that i want to fuck him. First of all, hes a real person on the internet that i do not know, 2nd of all, fucking eww, and 3rd of all, hes a whole ass adult and we r both in high school. Yikes again.

Ofc i didnt tell them these things and just said that i dont like him that way and just thought he was pretty and nothing else. They completely ignored this and thought i was just embarrassed or smth or that i was in denial. Yikes again again.

So yeah. The only lesson i learned is to never come out as aspec to anyone irl ever again. Tbh i kinda want to tell them that im not bi and that i dont feel any kind of attraction. It would be a lie but christ i wish they would stop. They can validate my bisexuality but not my nb or aspec identities? I knew that queer sexualities were more normalized now which is awesome but why cant they do that for trans ppl or aspecs? Why does it have to stop there?

Sorry for venting like this but i thought this might be relatable for yall. Ive never had the experience of feeling "broken" bc of any of my identities, im very confident in them. I just wish other ppl other than my online friends would feel the same.

Also sorry for delaying the romo attraction thingy i just rlly dont feel like it rn. Idk when i will write it but hopefully if i feel better i will finish it today

There's no pressure to write it up dude it's cool :) whenever you're ready ❤

And those ppl do not sound like good friends- idk exactly how old you are but ik I'm older, and I can tell you for certain that you will find better friends one day. It's guaranteed :) they don't deserve your friendship and I am glad to validate and help you in any way you need ��❤

Yee I've never felt broken either! I think an element of that is that I thought I was allo for a very long time? But on the other hand I was bullied in my childhood for not having attraction so idk why that hasn't manifested into a phobia of romance but eh I'm better off this way whether it makes sense or not.

It makes me happy as well cuz a lot of ppl in the community seem very pessimistic abt how we're treated but it's nice to know that not all of us feel broken cuz the 2 of us are living examples of that :)

But unfortunately yeah, your experiences above are things many ppl can relate to. I'm sure almost everyone can remember a time where they came out to someone and weren't met with good responses,,

Let this be a reminder that this is not right and we deserve more support for something so personal. Even if you don't understand someone's identity that doesn't give you the right to dismiss or ignore them. Our identities are very important and personal to us and supporting them is basic respect.

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

ah yeah, i think quarentine has given people some opportunity to actually just sit with the person they are, rather than be rushing around for the person they want to become. its good you got smth good out of isolation! ah thats great! hope you had fun and ur partner in crime speeds back home so you can get out more hehe.

ah yeah ty, good suggestions.

hmm good point, i was sort of putting it separate to the whole not-sexualising thing, but yeah. mmm yeah i totally agree, some of the enhypen fics/imagines *shudder* and even reading innie stuff is just a bit *icky* cos everyone still thinks of him as our agi ppang. yeah def would be good but sadly this just seems to be the world we live in. :(

ah yes the holy masterlist (not sarc) i have actually read in the rain and gladius maximus before, but ill go look for in class! oooh thats good! character development lol. hmmmm yes champagne problems was the angst to end all angst, that shit hurt. it was actually one of the first of your fics i read and i recall almost crying over the whole thing, it was so heartbreaking, i can see how it almost made you want to drop angst. good that youve allowed yourself some lee-way tho :)

hehe thats so cool. okay here we go, ill try not to be mortally offended (/hj)

cheese - yes same, i liked it but that was all there was, it wasnt a super standout track. it was rlly underwhelming for me but some of the hook is super catchy so there is Redemption (tm) in store for cheese maybe

thunderous - mmm, yeah at first i totally agreed, i think they suffer from too much good music syndrome, that all their other tracks are such fucking bops its hard to stay at that level of perfection. the choreo was beautiful tho and tbh, the track has grown on me since ive been watching all the vids abt it. its my brothers favourite track

domino - YES GODAMMIT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE TITLE TRACK. the raps, the vocals, the vibes, the fucking domino sound in the back? i would have streamed that shit on repeat. but tbh, as good as it is, it doesnt have that sort of grandness/oomph that skz seems to like in their title tracks so i can see why they chose thunderous (tho domino would have been so good) *sigh*

ssick - yeah same, not my fave track by a long mile, the crowd cheering was a ?strange? choice and the chorus was a bit bare/empty, plus like i mentioned earlier, it was kinda funny to me for some reason but ill still play it if im playing thru the whole album

the view - ahh one of those not like other girls (/j) i honestly think its just a good party song, just a bop to play in the background when nobodys rlly paying much attention. its pretty generic pop music but catchy

sorry, i love you - hehe yeah i thought it was going to be sadder as well, but i rlly loved the fact that they all just got to sing, which almost never happens, i dont think ive heard felix sing for a long time, so i enjoyed it. wasnt rlly a standout track but i just casually like it. looking forward to the fic haha

silent cry - this song i swear, some bits are rlly good and then others are just? why?? it does sound like a dance song tho idk. definitely not one of my faves either

secret secret - YES its so good! its such a chill song and i love their vocals in it. the combination of lo-fi/fake strings backup stuff and their heavenly vocals just makes it *chefs kiss* im listening to it rn and just... its so beautiful. it gives me pumped up another day vibes ya know? like my pace is edgy get cool, this one is energetic another day i feel like. overall i love it

STAR LOST - ah thats so cool! i didnt know that! on first listen this song had a similar vibe to secret secret but then the beat came in and ahh its such a good song. i can totally imagine them putting this song to a concert footage vid, this song is so sweet.

red lights - LMAO YES ITS SO AWKWARD WHY DOES IT GO ON FOR SO LONG ah thats good! yeah good point, its quite intense hehe. but that is my fave trope and this is lowkey my favourite track on the album so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ just the combination of hyunjins and chans voices, the backing music, the lyrics ahh red lights my beloved

surfin’ - yes lmao its always a shock, i feel like they should have put gone away in between them, but its such a fun cute song, i cant get rlly mad. yeah, as an aussie i think im contractually obligated to like beaches lol. sand im not such a fan of, but my familys rlly into fishing and my brother loves bodyboarding so we stay at a beach house at least twice a year and we live like 5 mins from 3 different beaches (hehe all aussie cities are on the coast lol) so thats cool. do you like beaches?

gone away - ah gone away my beloved, i love this song sm, its just so pure and showcases their vocals and lyrics so well. yes the pitch change is very out of the blue, i feel liek they went directly from seungmins soft vocals to hans powerful ones which was an interesting choice, but hey, im not complaining

wolfgang - YES IKR ah im so happy he got to be included in that era and song. yeah its such a full on song i cant rlly listen to it if im in a quiet mood but its very motivating :)

hehe mood, i hope they do! ahhh no rest, but at least you wont have to pull a blink and wait a year for any word from the group lol. im not rlly into nct but im excited for them! ah hopefully youll be able to sneak some rest into that chaotic schedule, with enhypen (idk if u stan but yeah) squeezed into it haha

<3 w.a. 🐺

i wheezed at partner in crime, it reminded me of smth. i have a lee know fic in the drafts that i wrote 'in honor' of him (and his departure-ish). i'll tag you when i finish it, if you want. it's a rather hilarious one.

oh my god. based on my experience on the collabs i've joined before, writing explicit shit for '01 & '02 is not accepted (nct's maknaes) but with enha's hyung line '01 & '02 somehow it's okay? i do a double take every time i see fics like those i mean, technically, it's legal but still what the fuck. maybe it's just not for me at the moment. not at us venting our frustration about this. it's just something that's so accepted here that i am (in all honesty) slightly uncomfortable about. but oh well. that's kpop writerblr for you.

man i could've linked all the fics in the ask instead so you wouldn't have to go looking for them! i think i saw you like in class the other day (the fic i renamed into sharp-tongued, god it took me a while to remember the new title). describing champagne problems as an angst to end all angst is one way to put what i was feeling back in december. it just hurt to write and admit?? if that ever happened to me i would prolly cry :d

okay back to the album talk! i love how you answered with more thoughts. i love exchanges like these! i am a victim of the cheese hook and it's now one of my favorite tracks in the album. PLS, TOO MUCH GOOD MUSIC SYNDROME. that's on our self-producing kings 😌💅 also, your brother has taste! as i am typing this, domino's currently playing in my head and i realized that too, that it doesn't have that 'vibe' of a skz title track. honestly, this could be a title track of another group. ssick is starting to grown on me because i found the beats cool kdjsk not the not like other girls 😭 the view is the generic pop that i don't like but i get why a lot of people enjoy it. sorry i love you scratches a certain itch that i find myself singing the first few lines every time i remember it. i too would want to hear felix sing more!

> a mini junction on the album talk bc i got side tracked. on that topic, i want skz to switch positions at some point like i know those allrounders are capable of doing so. specifically, i want to hear seungmin rap!!!! (yk in the recent weekly idol he talked faster than changbin in a challenge and changbin is like the fastest rapper in kpop that's active atm if im not mistaken. my dandy boy has some potential and i want it UNLEASHED.)

back to album talk. silent cry is basically sad music to twerk to. secret secret is definitely one of my favorite tracks :( i loved how you compared the tracks HAJSAH i burst out laughing bc yk what, you're right! i want to make a star lost edit of skz but i simply do not have the time i want to cry. i love the song so much. ok, my dreaded track, red lights. idt i have played the track since we last talked. my friend sent me the lyrics tho and i'm itching to write a twisted au out of it. idk if you're comfortable with yandere but somewhere along those themes. the obsessive type of love that's sweet at first but turns rotten. IMAGINE IF THEY PUT GONE AWAY BETWEEN ASHJA it's like going from 50 shades to the notebook.

i was about to ask if you lived near the coast and you literally mentions it here god im so stupid. yes i LOOOOOOOOOVE beaches so much. living in an archipelago is fun :( i live in a part of the country that's more island than city so every time i want some vitamin sea it's accessible. i heard the waves in australia are great :( anYWHOOO gone away :(( every time it plays im compelled to skip it because it makes me sAD AND NOWADAYS I DONT HAVE THE TIME TO BE SAD. contrary to you, i dislike my quiet moods because i tend to overthink a lot.

i have this little analogy about how there are stays that enjoy songs the generic pop + mellow songs and then there are other stays that enjoy the noisy tracks. in my mind, it's like a perfect balance that makes me feel like all the tracks are loved in the end. just by different people.

PULL A BLINK. bro i fucking hate yg entertainment. they have the biggest kpop girl group LOCKED in their basement when they could be (and i mean this in the most business-like way not morally) milking money of the quad. they're yg's biggest hope at not being bankrupt atm so it's a damn fucking mystery to me as to how they aren't doing anything. (jk i just realized lisa solo album soon, but i still need a ot4 cb hELLO)

i stopped looking forward to the teasers. rest > kpop boys. i don't want to sound like a cult member but have you tried checking out nct? are they just not your thing? (i get it tho, that's one hard group to get into). and yes i do stan enhypen!

wow i love how long these asks are! they're like online penpals. but i also want to ask about you! how have you been lately? are you feeling okay both mentally and physically? how's the weather there? do you have anything that you want to talk about? maybe an interesting book you read? feel free to bring up anything you want to share! i'm getting conscious about talking about myself HAJHSJ

and yet another long answer B) i am sooo sorry T___T should these ask exchanges feel draining to you, feel free to stop sending them in AAAA

[hyunjizns]

dating jungwoo

⤷ idk why but jungwoo always gives me the softest, innocent vibe and that’s why he’ll forever be my bb

how you started dating

so i wasn’t sure if to make this an idol au or not but i finally settled for idol because i’m going for that “realistic” feel, lol

how you two met? well it was actually predebut when jungwoo used to work at a café 

you know, to get that extra cash because being a trainee isn’t the eaiest thing

and you frequented that café since it was pretty near to where you lived

you often saw jungwoo because you’d come during his shift and he’d always give you a warm smile 

you couldn’t explain but he was just so welcoming and warm-hearted unlike the other other employees so that was definitely fresh

before you learnt his name you had deemed him “the cute worker with the pretty smile”

seriously, every time he handed you your drink, his cute little smile would appear and your heart basically melted everytime

but tbh, anyone would melt at his smile, it’s precious, okay?

and after handing you your drink, he’d never fail to wish you a good day and ahh !!!

anyway, this continued on for a while until you didn’t even have to tell him your order anymore and he’d just have your drink and name there whoosh

he just knew that well

so you were kinda getting tired of this back and forth and wanted to get to know him better

you did the obvious bc you’re a smart person and slipped him your number when you were giving him a tip and walked away smugly

the look on his face was priceless

yes, we’d have a sh00k jungwoo because, wow, you gave him your number ??

now, now jungwoo is a bit shy so it’d take him a bit to actually text you but when he does you’re basically a candy who just got candy

but look, this boy contemplated what he was gonna say for way too long and spent majority of the time fiddling with his phone

you would never have seen someone type and erase as much as he would’ve then

“y/n, right? wanna meet up soon? this is jungwoo btw”

“sure,, any specific time? i’m free this week”

sure you may have sounded cool in your reply but your were actually just dead inside bc jungwoo !! texted !! you !!

when he sees your reply though, he would be relieved and text you the details

the two of you would kinda just drift into texting cute, soft emojis for the rest of the day

jungwoo is a bit.. clueless.. so it probably wouldn’t seem like a big deal to him unlike you who was practically combusting

p.s: it seems you’ve developed a crush on him,, but to be fair who wouldn’t?

anyway, we can fast forward to when you two actually do meet up, it’s a small bistro and everything is pretty casual 

jungwoo is a bit nervous but so are you so that leads to nervous giggles every second but you two manage through

it was a pretty, nice and calming “date” tbh and you guys started to do it more often

um yeah, that basically meant that your crush on jungwoo was getting bigger

i mean, the boy told you so much about himself already and same for you, you learnt he was a trainee, etc, etc and it just felt you got really close to him

but you weren’t sure if he liked you too since he was a bit odd with his actions

tbh i don’t think he was even planning to tell you because he was sure that it was you who didn’t like him

let’s all give a huge round of applause to his boss lol get it boss? no? okay bye sorry who told you that he knew jungwoo definitely liked you too

sorry, but basically everyone in the cafe knew about you two

and with a little courage from your friends, you found it in yourself to confess

better take no for an answer than never know, right?

so one day you called jungwoo outside and told him that you needed to talk to him and yes that kid was nervous

“I.. I kind of really like you.”

He’d be so shocked that he wouldn’t reply which would make you s c a r e d but then he gets all excited and relieved

“I kind of really like you too!” he was a bit too enthusiastic

and the rest is history 

i made this too long, oops

jungwoo as a boyfriend

we all know that jungwoo is some kind of precious human being that needs to be protected at all costs

yes

well, you’re that human being to him now

idk but we all know how he’s always smiling, well people would be starting to wonder how his cheeks aren’t hurting at how much he smiles when he’s around you

he always looks at you with so much affection in his eyes, it’s unreal

it’s that “ get you a man who looks at you the way *insert* looks at *insert*” meme

so your relationship is basically two angels protecting each other

talking about soft, idk man but this would be one of the purest, softest things for anyone to watch, your interactions would be down right precious

oh gosh, i’m already squealing, jungwoo, i see him legit defining boyfriend goals

like he would spoil the shit out of you and give you whatever you wanted, even if you didn’t ask for it

you’d be telling him it wasn’t necessary but he wouldn’t listen to you

i feel like he’d use that as a way to express himself since physical expression wouldn’t be something that he’s best at

oh yes and taking it slow and making sure you’re comfortable is one of his biggest concerns too

he absolutely doesn’t wanna rush you to do anything that you don’t wanna

as for pda, i don’t think jungwoo would go too far

he seems like the kind of person, no matter how long you’ve been together, to just enjoy soft hand-holding

yeah, your fingers are always intertwined, it’s basically the signature thing in your relationship now

even when you two are alone,he still isn’t the b i g g e s t displayer of affection

you can expect a shit ton of hugs from this one too, and no, i don’t mean those short, seemingly meaningless ones

i’m talking jungwoo style kms with full on embracing, neck snuggling and even some butterfly neck/face kisses on the occasion

his arms would be so tight yet gentle around you

i’m telling you !! this boy treats you as if you were made of legitimate porcelain

as for kisses, i feel like he’s too shy to out right kiss you, especially at the beginning of the relationship so your gonna have to ask or initiate

after he’s more comfortable though, kisses may still be shy but he isn’t afraid to do it himself

his displays of affection are actually the sweetest, like he has the gentlest hands, and does the cutest things, you’d swear he just stepped out of a romance novel

he has actually made a scrap book with all of your couple pics for you

i’m wrecking my bias list help

he’s a cuddler 100% so you can expect a lot of that from him

especially due to the fact that he’d prefer simple dates or those ones where you can just stay at home

you can seriously expect to lie in bed and just be happy with the other’s presence.

but it’s not like that everyday kind of cuddling, he’d prefer that once in a while, significant cuddle session

plus i can see him being really talkative, i don’t think he’d wanna cuddle in silence and most conversation topics would be pretty deep

maybe about your guys’ future since he doesn’t plan to break up soon or ever at that

his favourite position is you beside him with his arm around you so that he could look at your face and every little detail on it

don’t be surprised if you suddenly feel his hand under your shirt !! he just does that innocently 

he’s the boy that’d space out while looking at you because he actually can’t get over your beauty

“ how did i get so lucky ? “

he’d think that all the time

sometimes his hand is already going to brush a strand of your hair from your face before he even notices what he’s doing

yeah, it’s something that he does pretty often too

jungwoo also really cares about the little things, just enjoying small talk

like everyday you can expect him to ask how your day was and if you were okay

on that occasion that you were pissed, he’d freak because he wouldn’t be sure what to do but jungwoo being the good listener that he is, i feel like he’d just let you vent

he’d let you vent all you want while rubbing your back, not saying anything

after, he’d probably offer to make your favourite food/drink or suggest you two do something that he knew you’d enjoy

or maybe sing you one of your favourite songs since he knows that you love his voice ahh

also

okay so y’all remember that iconic vlive when doyoung was asking jungwoo what he wanted for his birthday and yea h sbksks

jungwoo would be cheeky like that pretty often when he wants something

he’s like a puppy that really just needs your love sometimes so 

this boy isn’t showing the signs correctly and you’re like “what do you want babe?”

“i um..” cue stuttering and cute giggles !!

rip you bc you just look at him like ???

“i want your love” he’d smile and tap his cheek

and you’re just like ofc you do and kiss his cheek and that’d make him 12x more giddy oho

jungwoo adores you i swear. every wallpaper on his phone is a photo of both of you

omg my heart is bursting with love for this boy

and like there was that one day when nosy yukhei took up jungwoo’s phone and was sh00k at the number of couple photos, oh dear

that would be teasing material for the other boys to use against him but y’know, jungwoo doesn’t really mind

he wouldn’t be fazed, he’just give them one of those smiles because he’s actually hella proud of those pics

but don’t ask him how things are going because he can’t really reply, he’ll kinda just scratch the back of his neck and again, s m i l e

because he wouldn’t be sure how to explain one of the best things in his life

he isn’t a master of words, y’know!

that’s why short and sweet gestures + compliments are his thing

this was also lowkey a secret relationship and you would always remember the look in his eyes after his first debut stage

you honestly felt so happy for him because you knew he deserved it 

he cried that night and it was just one of the softest things you had ever experienced, like you could tell he didn’t wanna cry but the tears still came

you patted his head as he cried into your shoulder tears of complete happiness

and when you whispered how proud you were of him, that set off more waterworks 

that just proved to you that he isn’t afraid to show his emotion when he’s around you

BuT when it came to super important things like the first “i love you” he was a nervous wreck because he wasn’t sure how you’d respond

but then he’d realise you love him just as much as he loved you so he had nothing to worry about

all in all, you guys would live that innocent relationship and every moment you spent with jungwoo would be deeply cherished

[raaven-nerd]

the epic mega tag of tags

I’ve been inactive for an eternity so I got tagged in a bunch of things by a WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE (THANK YOU ALL FOR TAGGING ME I LOVE YOU ALL <3) 

So i decided to combine all these tags into ONE MEGA TAG!!! I’m sorry if I don’t have every single tag that people have tagged me in, because I was kinda... inactive lol 

I honestly have no idea how many questions are in here, but I’m really excited to answer all these questions. Subtle hint for you guys to ask me questions lmao!! My ask box is always open ;)

//INTRO//

Time: 9:00AM (i’m on summer break, i’m not ditching school rn lol) 

Name: Michelle

Nickname: Mich (pronounced mish,,) and Michy (fun fact: all my friends spell this differently but the correct spelling is michy!! At least that’s how i spell my nickname lmao)

Gender: Female

Nationality: Australian

Star Sign: Cancer

Height: like 157cm LMAO i’m really short

Hogwarts house: Ravenclaw (hence my branding lmao)

Languages Spoken: English, Cantonese (but badly), Japanese (but only because i learn it at school)

Dream job: GOOD QUESTION LMAO umm something medical?? But like if i was remotely talented, doing something creative would be really cool.

How many pets do you have: 1, I have a pet dog named Pepper

What am I wearing: A T-shirt from last year’s school musical that’s way too big for me and black shorts (and by that i don’t mean a T-shirt that was like part of my costume,, i mean like a merch kinda t-shirt?? but not really merch bc i was in the musical) 

Instruments/sports played: I don’t play any instruments ,, well i play ukulele badly lmao, and i play soccer and volleyball for grade sport :)

//ABOUT THE BLOG//

When did you make this account? Like,, 2 years ago?? YIKES

Why did you join studyblr? Honestly i don’t remember why,, probably bc i wanted to get better at studying and get more motivated

How many followers do you have? Surprisingly around 4800

Why I chose my url: because i’m a nerd,, and my hogwarts house is ravenclaw

//BELOW THE CUT//

Things about my personal life :000 (get that juicy goss!! lol not really tho my life is pre uneventful)

Study tips and my study routine I guess? Just about how i study lol  

Music/Book/Film/TV faves and other related thingos (aka how cultured am i?? again not really tho i’m just trying to make this sound interesting lmao) 

And some more just RANDOM things lmao (like some of these things get really random lol) 

//PERSONAL//

What are three basic facts about you? Okay so whenever a teacher asks me to introduce myself at the start of the school year, my default interesting fact is “I have a dog” and every single year the teachers are super amazed that i have a pet dog and it’s absolutely hilarious bc everyone else is like “I’m not sharing any personal information with you guys”, and the teacher ends up interrogating me about my pet dog.

That’s not a basic fact lol um.. My birthday is on the 15th of July, I’m the youngest of 3 siblings and I graduate in 2020 :))

What was the best part of your day today? Ngl this is actually a really hard question for me to answer because I am NOT in a good mental state right now… but probably watching Joe Sugg’s new vlog. That was a good way to spend a study break. OR REPLYING TO THAT ANON MESSAGE OMG everyone sending me messages saying that they’re glad to see me back just wow ;; i can’t believe people even noticed i was gone it’s just ahhughsgs thank you all so much <33 

Relationship status: um… single… yeah let’s just leave it at that

who is the first person you go to in a crisis, when you’ve had a hard day, or when you need to vent? Well… my best friend would be the first person i go to.. Except we’re on holidays right now and they have the worst reply game (bc they’re kinda not allowed to talk to me,,, it’s complicated lmao)

what is your love language? (if you don’t know it, there are plenty of love language quizzes on Google! I definitely encourage you to look it up and find it out for your benefit!) :ooo I did a quiz for this ages ago BUT I GOTTA DO IT AGAIN bc i forgot LOL 

OKAY i did it! I used 5lovelanguages.com so yeah.. Just in case anyone was wondering? But I guess my love language is quality time/words of affirmation and from highest to lowest it’s quality time (9), words of affirmation (8), physical touch (6), acts of service (4) and receiving gifts (3) 

what are the little things in your life that make you happy? Lmao all my friends bc we’re all SHORT AF.. but seriously,, just really small things can make me so happy, just being able to spend time with my friends makes me really happy?? Like we can just sit in (comfortable) silence, but i’ll be so content to just be there with my friends..  Quality time with friends?? thanks love language Does that count idk how to answer this

What is your favourite thing about yourself? Um physical thing?? Probably my hair tbh.. But like my actual fav thing about myself is um the fact that i’m empathetic, generally pre organised and good w/ time management and i can like teach myself stuff?? or maybe how i could be having the worst day of my life and i’ll still want to spread positivity and good vibes?? Yeah that’s pre cool 

what accomplishment in your life are you most proud of? Uhh i got dux of english a few years back? I was in the top 10 of 4 subjects last year so that’s pre cool? But tbh the accomplishment i’m most proud of is probably just going to the school I go rn.. OR surviving last year lol 2018 was a mess 

What’s one piece of advice to yourself a year ago? GIRL things are gonna be tough. Like really hecking tough. But it’s not worth it to hold grudges, there’s no point letting fear of what could happen stop you from doing things you want to do and you will survive and you will be stronger because of it. Don’t let what other people say about you get you down, yes, it sucks to hear people speculating about you and your private life, but they have no idea what’s actually going on, and they’re just curious . No one has anything against you. You are loved, and you are worthy, and you are strong. You got this.

what is a skill you wish you had? To play guitar!! Or to be able to sing!!

Name three places you’d like to go to. Richard Rodgers Theatre to watch Hamilton, Music Box Theatre to watch Dear Evan Hansen and the Warner Bros Studio Tour in London. (but also, Japan, London and New York)

//STUDY & ACADEMICS//

What’s your degree/favourite subject? Uhhh it was drama but i dropped that and the 2019 school year hasn’t started yet so.. Who knows?

What motivates you to study? The fact that I gotta do well and get good marks in order to get into a good uni course… and the fact that i just want to keep getting better,, and i don’t want to disappoint people and i also don’t want to do badly bc yikes its real competitive at my school so like lowkey fear of failure

What time do you do your best studying? Tbh it really depends, it’s either the morning not long after i wake up (esp if it’s holidays or the weekend), right after i get home from school, or like late at night if i get a burst of motivation (like sometimes i’ll end up studying from 10:30 to 1am which isn’t sustainable if i have to get up at 7 for school) 

Best self care tip for exam season? Don’t spend your time around people who get really stressed out. It only makes you more stressed, and you don’t need that extra worry. Positive vibes only. Stay chill!

Do you listen to music when you study? Yeah. I just listen to music with no lyrics and I’ll use @studyquill​’s playlist :DD

Where do you do your best studying? I do pretty much all my studying at home so.. home?? but i have this spot at school that i like to go to in the mornings when no one’s at school yet because it’s super quiet and i can get some quality work done there 

What’s your go to thing when studying? Write notes, do practise questions, draw summary mind maps and try to recite my notes from memory

//MUSIC//

put your music library on shuffle, list the first 15 songs

Oh boi this is going to be interesting

How Would You Feel - Ed Sheeran

Part of Me (Bonus Track) - Dear Evan Hansen

If I Could Fly - One Direction

Better Man - 5 Seconds of Summer

If I Could Tell Her - Dear Evan Hansen

Somebody to Love - Queen

Moving Along - 5 Seconds of Summer

Candy Store - Heathers the Musical

Cabinet Battle #2 - Hamilton

Guns for Hands - Twenty One Pilots

Sunrise - In The Heights

The Judge - Twenty One Pilots

Radio Ga Ga - Queen 

Defying Gravity - Wicked 

Shine a Light - Heathers the Musical 

Song stuck in your head: for some reason Acid Rain by Cimorelli just randomly came into my head when I woke up this morning?? so that i guess lol 

Last song you played: Alaska by Maggie Rogers

What are you listening to right now? well right now it’s Shine a Light lmao

what are your 5 favourite songs right now? THIS IS HARD OMG okay um Photograph by Ed Sheeran, Shout Out To My Ex by Little Mix, Fire Away by Niall Horan, Walking in the Wind by One Direction and I discovered Light On by Maggie Rogers today so that too!!

What’s your favourite lyric right now? Darling you don't have to hold it/You don't have to be afraid/You can go 'head and unload it/'Cause you know it'll be okay

Fave artist? GOOD QUESTION.. I don’t have an answer lmao but I like 5SOS, Ariana Grande’s new songs, Ed Sheeran and the soundtracks to quite a few musicals but that doesn’t answer the question lol 

//FILM, BOOKS & TV//

Last movie you saw: I rewatched Crazy Rich Asians :))

Top three TV shows: lol i don’t watch TV but all times favs include Gravity Falls and The Simpsons annnnndd um… yeah I really don’t watch much TV lol

What are your favourite books? All time fav is Harry Potter, but rn my fav is probably 13 Reasons Why (i know it’s also a TV show so i might check it out!!)

Which ones are you currently reading or want to read? Right now, I’m reading Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver. I’m only a few pages in though.

What’s the most recent book you’ve read? Finding Audrey by Sophie Kinsella

//MISCELLANEOUS// 

Describe your favourite colour without saying the name! Soft colour of love

What’s your favourite season? Probably autumn

Favourite animal? My pet dog lmao (i really like dogs but i love so many animals but we’ll just say dogs)

Last thing you googled: ‘fire away lyrics niall horan’ because i wanted to check i had the right words lol

How many blankets you sleep with: 1

If you could be a celebrity, who would you be? Probs Emma Watson or Ariana Grande

What is the last text you sent? Ummm i’ll check AND i quote “I AM,,, somewhat certain that’s correct bc like.. I don’t have any confidence in myself”  I was talking to my friend about an assignment lol

Average hours spent sleeping? 7-8 ish??? But during the school term, it could be more like 6-7 but still ain’t that bad???

WOW THAT WAS LONG if u actually stayed throughout all of this and read it all,, (which no one probably did) umm dm me your fav lyrics of the moment? yeah do that lol i wanna meet some new people 

[darkwingggggdyke]

Yo, so I set up this tumblr to just sorta let myself live a little so I’m gonna just make my first official post some meaningful rant bullshit to just....vent. Fucking somewhere. Ya know? And then it’ll just be stupid memes or whatever. I don’t know, I’ve never been good at sticking with any particular sort of content on here haha.

So I’m here to sort of allow myself to explore my sexual identity. And how I got to this point in my life is one hell of a story, honestly, and it’s one that seems like it would have been more commonplace a good ten years ago or so- but I’m from the Bible Belt so I guess being in a weird time loop is just. Normal.

A good chunk of my life, I assumed I was asexual. And I still think, to some degree, I still fall somewhere on that spectrum. But while I had boy crazy phases, once I actually interacted with boys it sort of died. I always preferred “going after” people I didn’t think would ever like me back. Be it polar opposites or teachers, the more unattainable the better. It was safe that way, because I’d never have to actually do anything.

And honestly I cannot think of a single instance in my high-school career where that wasn’t the case. Meanwhile, I kept weirdly intense female friendships. One of which I may bring up again at some point if anyone gives a shit about life story stuff. And while a generally masculine girl, I never really questioned my sexuality. Or I guess to be more accurate, I never allowed myself. I was homeschooled by a manipulative and mentally ill woman obsessed with religion and the only time I could leave my house was church. And if you’ve ever been to a southern baptist church, you can see why it wasn’t something I let myself think on.

Growing up, I also had my uncle who helped take care of me when shit got too nuts with my mom. Which, trust me, was more often the not. The thing about him though was that not only was he gay, but he was completely disowned by his parents and they spent about 12 years not speaking to him. And it killed him. Killed him to a point that he let “Jesus heal him “ and he’s been broken and alone ever since.

As I got older, I didn’t care too much about romantic stuff. I acted like it, because boy howdy does my ass love the flair of a good romantic drama, but not to a point I thought it was something that would ever actually happen for me. I just knew it wasn’t something I could do. No matter who I loved I didn’t think I’d be good enough. Some of that was warping from the people raising me, some of that was mental illness. All of it pushed people away if they actually got close.

At 18, I met a girl. From the first second I saw her sitting in the floor of the upstairs dorm, I could sense there was something almost cosmic about her. She had the body of a Greek goddess and a wit and soul that seemed far older than anyone in the written pantheon. She’s important to the story as a whole, but that first year in Christian college we became best friends and now a part of my soul resides in hers and I don’t know if she realizes that it’s hers forever. Again. She’ll come up not just later in this story, but I can bet your sweet asses I will post about her from time to time.

At 21 I had my first kiss, and while there were plenty of things that I can say made him an unlikeable douchewad, the thing I hated the most about that guy was that he wanted to have sex and the thought genuinely repulsed me. Which seemed normal to my mentally ill and borderline asexual ass, to not want that. But all of my experiences with him did very much point out that it isn’t. At least not how I experienced it, I guess. I didn’t put out and he ran for the hills and I’d never been happier to be over something- but I spent a good chunk of time in this pit of self hatred because I couldn’t comprehend why I didn’t want to have sex with him.

From that point, I lowkey gave up. Because if I can’t have sex with a person, I assumed I had no romantic value. I decided I’d let myself try to figure out my gender identity. Because as someone who’s intersex, 21 is about when it started becoming a major problem for me, my naughty bits trying to kill me and all. But I’d always had a complicated relationship with femininity- maybe that was why. I talked to the people who were close to me, reached out. Explored. So on.

I also realized that my feelings towards the aforementioned darling girl weren’t super platonic, got the balls to ask her out (she said yes), but I assumed because I was still so weird about the sex topic that she wouldn’t want to be with me like *that* so I changed my mind a few days later.

For some reason she didn’t hate me.

I would have.

But I guess the point of this whole rant is that THATS the mindset that’s fucking stupid.

So time rolls on, and aforementioned girl also comes to where I live to visit me, as gals who are pals are want to do, and has a surprise gay intervention awaiting her at home. I tell her not to fly home. She doesn’t. With nothing to her name, she stayed with me and chose her own happiness over people like that.

I admire her so much for that.

I wish I had gotten to that point myself so much sooner.

More time passes. Friends come and go, hookups come and go sparser. She finds a guy that asks her out and I slowly lose my mind all while refusing to asknowledge why. I finally have sex with some dude I found online that seemed like he’d handle it pretty clinically. And I wanted to see what was so great about the ordeal. Turns out nothing. It was miserable. And not just because I ended up injured and you’d think since he was a nurse he wouldn’t panic about injuring someone with a shallow ass puss but he ran out of the house in panic and I was left somehow so much more goddamn shallow than i started.

The guy my best friend is with starts to treat me like shit. I try not to say anything so I don’t look jealous and instead come up with nonsense reasons to hate him. But then he starts treating her worse. Leaving without any notice. Stalking the house for no reason.

And she just... rolls with it. And I can’t help but find myself overcome with the knowledge that I would be better for her. I would love her, for starters. I would worship her. I would make sure she remembered that she is so smart and brave and the kindest person I know. She has so much heart that I don’t, and she’s so sure of herself- even when she’s not.

And that’s when it hits me that my feelings are still not platonic.

She dumps him because she loves me, and finally telling her he was a jackass to me is what makes all the difference.

But even still, I keep my realization locked air tight. I can’t tell her. If I end up not able to have sex with her, I wouldn’t just be robbing her of a relationship people would approve of. Sure I’ve thought about her ass a lot. But everyone does. (If anyone gets a time machine and gets to talk to me, please tell me how stupid I am)

And then she goes to see her family for Christmas and it all comes crashing out of me. And I tell her. I tell her that I am madly, suffocatingly, life alteringly, unshakably in love with her.

And she loves me too.

And even now I still kinda feel like I’m being punked. But then I remember that I love her so much that it’s almost easy to forget what hating myself feels like.

And then time rolls by and I let myself think the things I never let myself before. And I realize I might not be robbing her of sex after all because goddamn is she sexy. Her eyes are like forget me nots, her mind never ceases to amaze me. She permanently smells like lavender and spices that speak of magic. Her thighs as soft as the laughter that bubbles from her lips like honey.

So yeah. That’s why I’m here now. To just revel in being gay. To sorta document the process of figuring this shit out. To talk about my hot as fuck future wife. And Gina Rodriguez. Because the more I let myself, the more I think I might have been a little wrong in how I’d viewed myself previously. Because I was still trying to find a lens I could be viewed in that would still let me have the family that honestly doesn’t even matter anymore.

[ssouledout]

well helllooooooooo, it’s been a MIN

it’s been a HOT min honestly. i haven’t been on here in years.. like actual years. i kinda skimmed through my old entries and i want to actually sit down and read each one. because what a time that was!!!! i realize that this blog represents pieces my faith journey 🤯 i don’t think i intended it to be that?? but i was so on fire for Jesus and it really showed. was just barely starting my faith journey and i knew i was in for a ride.. but girl lemme tell you. IT’S BEEN A RIDE LOL. and im just getting started. i want to catch up on what happened these past 2ish 3ish years. 

we’ll start with my love life lol. i’m still single 😇 halo emoji because i’m truly content here right now. and God gave me peace when I left Matt 2+ years ago. like immense peace. but as time went on I started entertaining thoughts that made me question everything that happened. as if I completely forgot what God brought me out of. i became way more social and active on ig and started getting attention from a hs crush.. ignored the holy spirit’s alarm bells and entertained that SMH (if all of my worldly friends told me to stay away, then you know it’s bad bad lol). but i lowkey wanted to check it off my bucket list. also.. with God anything is possible right? i proceeded with much caution and i made sure that didn’t get far. but my character was changing. not entirely because of this man, but just over all. literally saw myself sliding back into who i WAS.. idk where to begin. lemme just say that life away from God ain’t it. especially after he has delivered you from some things. remember that post when i said i gave up mary jane for good? God knew i wasn’t actually ready to give that up yet. after about 8 months of staying weed sober (that’s a long ass time, shows that God was really at work in my heart!!), i started smoking again and thought that if i did it with family members, it was “fine”. all this that i mention was the start of my spiritual and mental downfall. i pinpointed it when it was all happening but i continued living life this way (i dont even want to say it was the old me.. it was different. like I was more in tune with the holy spirit this time. and i was drinking often and partying, but living in my parents’ home. hardly drank ever in college. had wayyy more money than before. confidence was building from working out consistently) until i was unrecognizable to myself. girl i was so broken. but that’s what sin and disobedience does. i reconnected with a lot of people from my past and met new people along the way. reconnected with hs friends. my northridge friends. all the men from my past lollllll (didnt plan this, but it happened?) i even re-gained *feelings* for someone in my past past. but after hanging out with him, those feelings went away thank you Jesus. men make me CRINGE LOL. i see what the enemy was trying to do though. why did i reconnect with these people? idk. i was getting comfortable being more social and felt it was fine to reconnect? prob bc i was feeling more confident too. priorities were just out of line.. aka where was God in this?? far away 

speaking of confidence though.. my body composition is different. she got a booty now, a toned back, and thicker thighs. my weight fluctuates a lot but she’s been looking and ✨feeling✨ good. waist trainers WORK btw. but i stopped wearing them for a while now (not to sound annoying and cliche but diet and exercise is more effective). 

that job i was venting about in previous posts... i stayed for 2 years and some months. it was bad. broken, evil, money hungry company. picked up some bad drinking habits there. formed friendships around gossip and getting drunk 🤢 like who was i?! unrecognizable i tell ya. made me sad realizing that one of my best friends who was also my coworker played a huge role in this. had to distance myself from her all year and it’s been good for my well-being. and she respects the distance i think. things are just different now but im happy with it. after maxim, i got a different recruiting job. was feeling so happy and blessed about it untilllllll my manager... not getting into that rn. in short, he gave off entitled, predatory, bipolar, immature vibes. God used that tho to make me leave.. because ever since i left my job in aug, i’ve been ON FIRE for the Lord!!! taking me from faith to faith. i’m back n betta baby. God’s been trying to 👏  talk 👏  to 👏 me, and i can hear him better now that i’m putting distractions aside. i fasted for the first time in april. and God was quiet - he was like “😗 you already know what you need to work on”. it was sooooo hard for me to let go of my sinful lifestyle.. partying was fun and it was part of my identity. like fr. identity- that’s a whole topic for another time. anyway, i went back to partying after that fast 🙃 this was really recent btw. willingly doing drugs but feeling the conviction. like girl didn’t God bring you out of all of this? thank God for his faithfulness, i don’t deserve his grace!!! in this season God is basically showing WHO he created me to be and how those things i attached myself to don’t serve me, God, or anyone really. i had to lose myself completely to find it tho.. yet again. hurt more this time around. please God no more, i learned my lesson hahahah 😭 

i’m jobless rn. my full time job is spending time with Jesus and i love it here 😭 i ain’t no baby christian anymore. i can proudly say that i’m FINALLY not a lukewarm christian.. sheesh took long enough thank you GOD.

I bought a perfume to wear everyday in this season to remember it!!! valentino voce vita. Here’s a short summary of what God is doing:

- exposed the enemy’s tactics and patterns in my life

- establishing my identity in Him and solidifying it 

- teaching me how to use my authority in Him and how to fully rely/trust in Him

- confirmed that he will give me my man of God and a family (HE GAVE ME A VISION OF HIS FACE AHHHH. he’s got a pointy nose and straight teeth. nice smile)

- placed an urgency in my spirit that something big is happening. and it’s all pointing to Jesus’ return which is sooooooon EEEEEE!! LETS GOOOO

- revealed and confirmed my calling.............. scary fun times LOL. he’s going to USE MEEEEE, idk how that will look exactly. but i started a mukbang channel 3 weeks ago and its growing. (been having fun with my food ig page all year and growing there too! but pausing that for now.) i’m trusting and obeying and not looking back

- gave me an opportunity to be the community service leader for heavenly fire ministry!!! attended their retreat in the beginning of the year btw and met some amazing women who are HOT (humble, open, & transparent)

i know i’m on the right track with the Lord YAY <3 been having sooo many intimate moments with the Lord and i’m excited to keep on experiencing his goodness. spiritual attacks are on a new level - the enemy’s old patterns aren’t working and he’s sending his stronger minions. but i’m covered and i KNOW where i stand. i know where God stands. and i know where the enemy stands. the truth has been revealed and i’m unstoppable on God’s team 🤩 

reminder: Galatians 6:9 (NLT) ‘So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.’

anywayyyyy i hope to keep posting updates on here. now that i figured out my login info. i really hope and pray for more christ-like friendships. audrey is literally God-sent i love her sooooo much ugh. nikka and i are still friends and we stay encouraging each other!! so something good came out of maxim lol. also grateful for keelee, i hope we can hang more! 

that was a lot. bye for nowwwww ✌️ 

[ocean-butch]

How is cas different from ur other girlfriends

akcjwjxia i had to wait like SIX HOURS to answer this bc of a goddamn test i had bUT OH BOY ANON AM I GONNA LOVE DOING IT alfjadjsk i just love talking about my gf i love her so much i wanna gush about her 25/8

the short answer would be basically in every way bUt imma do it part by part.

okay so, in a simplified version i’ve had relationships with people whose personalities worked well with me but who were shitty girlfriends or a good girlfriend who just didnt really fit with my personality. i’ve actually given that so much thought even before i met cass, but the point is that i met her and she was just perfect for me in both ways (technically its more complicated bc theres a bunch of logic into this that im not explaining bc my mind is weird and it would be Way too long but anyways). but ok let get into How she fits me perfectly.

first of all literally no one ever in my entire life has made me laugh as easily and genuinely as she does. im not even exaggerating, like laughing was never really A Thing for me to look for in girls bc it just never happened???? like i had fun conversations and stuff but there was never anyone that made me go “holy shit i have never laughed this much with anyone else” and we have So many inside jokes, which is a thing that i almost never have????? and i always used to wish i did bc everyone would talk about it and i’d feel like i just wasnt funny and That was the problem. and also this is really important bc its one of the things that made me realize that i liked (and eventually, came to love) her. bUT its not the only one so theres also like all these things that we like and we can talk about for HOURS like i remember when i watched infinity war and the first thing i did when i got home was call her and we talked about it for like 2 hours idek but it was great. the point is, we have a bunch of shared interests (which isnt like 100% necessary but its still really nice), wHICH LEADS ME TO: her music taste is amazing and i love that so much bc i love music With My Entire Soul and its the best thing in the fucking world (after cass & my friends and tied with the ocean) but yeah thats great too. AND i think more importantly than the last 2 things is that she is literally so fucking easy to talk to. like ever since the beginning we didnt really have that awkward phase where we run out of things to talk about and the conversation keeps dying like we never had that it just flowed so well and that was such a good feeling. another thing is also how comfortable i feel talking to her.

like i have never felt this way with any of my girlfriends bc i was always scared that i was gonna be annoying or say something Wrong and they’d start to realize i sucked and then break up with me, but shes just so kind and idk she just has this way about her that makes me feel at home and its always been there like i dont believe in love at first sight or anything like that but i swear to god the day after i met her i already felt like i could tell her anything and that was such a comforting thing and i needed that so badly at the time. i dont feel like i was able to describe this aspect very well tbh like im not doing it justice. like, she makes me feel like im not annoying at all, and like i could just randomly start ranting about anything and she would be like super invested in it, and just literally so comfortable in every sense of the word. she is my home, no ifs ands or buts, i just feel it every single time that we talk or that i simply think about her, and i have never felt this so clearly with anyone. and i think this comfort i feel with her is kinda connected with how she has always made me felt so appreciated, in a way that no one has ever done. like, i had like 2 tags about my wants and needs in a relationship, there was “my dream girl” to remind me that i shouldnt settle for anyone after i got out of a rlly bad relationship, and there was “things i wish someone would tell me” after my “first” relationship (i dont really count it bc Officially™ we only dated for a week) because my gf at the time would almost never be affectionate with me and it made me really insecure so i started that tag as a way to vent kinda. anyways my point is that i made those tags bc i would always feel super anxious in my relationships bc i never really felt loved or even wanted (aka the good personalities awful gfs relationships) i just felt like a burden and it was such a big thing for me.

okay now i’ll say that there Kinda was an exception to this before cass, because it would be unfair to say that that relationship was detrimental to my mental health, but it was still different. like, that ex did make me feel wanted most times, but not only did i still have A Lot of insecurities about the whole thing bc of some things she would say and do or not say and not do and i’d get like super uncomfortable or just sad really but also bc whenever the conversation would start to die out i was Absolutely Certain that she was gonna break up with me. it was pretty bad im not even joking. and like ofc my anxiety isnt her fault OR responsibility and like sure i still get anxious about cass sometimes but its not like that its basically just when she doesnt answer for a long time i think that something bad might have happened but even when my rude ass brain does try to tell me that she doesnt love me i KNOW that its not true, and that is a kind of peace that i have never ever had before. but anyways, so that was the good gf whose personality didnt fit mine and its weird now bc that is so obvious but i really didnt wanna believe it at the time even though i knew it wasnt gonna work out, but now its just really weird ngl (but i wont get into the why).

and now cass. wow okay let me tell you about cass. she is perfection. she is literally everything i have ever wanted AND things i didnt even know i wanted. she is everything no one else ever was and i just remembered that when we started dating in may i said that exact same sentence to abby. its just so true, she really is everything that no one else could be. because theyre not her. i’ve said this a lot of times but i really dont see how i could ever love anyone else after loving her, it just doesnt make sense to me because she really is like,, as good as it gets. there is no one better than her for me. we’re literally meant to be i s2g like when we broke up for a while i would tell everyone i wasnt really trying to move on at all bc i just hoped she would come back to me and i couldnt miss that chance. i knew she was my soulmate, although at some points i lost almost all hope (but never all) and i started thinking that maybe she was the love of my life but i wasnt the love of hers. and thats bc she really is everything ive ever dreamed of like she has all these little things that she does or say that sometimes wouldnt even mean anything to other people but to me they are So important bc theyre things ive dreamed about while my ex girlfriends ignored me akcjsjxn like, i was talking about how comfortable she feels to me and a big part of that comes from little things like the fact that even when we were just friends she would spam me when i was gone for a long time and that not only made me feel missed and appreciated but also it meant i could do that to her and it wouldnt be annoying bc she felt the same!! like, she missed me too! and me knowing that she actually Wanted to talk to me and the fact that she actually showed me she cared was super great when we started dating bc it made me feel like if i was feeling sad or insecure, i could literally just ask her to be a little more affectionate and it wouldnt feel fake bc i actually knew she cared. and you have No idea how much that meant to me bc i literally didnt know it was possible for me to feel that way. like honestly i thought it was an innate aspect of who i am that like if i asked for affection it would be meaningless? bc i’d be lowkey forcing the person to say something? but with her it felt different bc we had enough intimacy for me to feel comfortable enough to do that.

HOWEVER i never actually Had to do that bc i got insecure exactly once (1) on the first night we started dating back in may bc i didnt know how much she liked me and i was like in love with her so i thought she would think i was too much and then i told her i was sad and that i was gonna sleep and the next day when i woke up she said something along the lines of “how are you babe bc i remember you said you were sad last night and i couldnt stop thinking about it bc i want you to feel good all the time” and thats something so small but wow it just meant so much to me bc i would cry and beg any fucking force in the universe to make my last ex do Anything At All to try to make me Not Sad and it would be awful and i would feel so so unloved and then cass just said that and something clicked in me and i never doubted her feelings to an actual Meaningful extent while we’ve been together anymore (like ofc i get insecure sometimes and especially when we broke up, but while we have been dating ive never gotten like actually Sad™ specifically bc i wasnt sure she liked me) but it gets even better because some of the things she does are so so special that i never even imagined them like shes literally unreal, i literally never thought someone like her existed and its just so wild to me that i get to be with her.

and i know im saying a bunch of cliches but i mean it all so much like i remember when i was dating one of my exes i was learning her first language but she didnt try to learn mine and i really wished she would bc i just always loved the idea that someone would do that for me?? (and she was like the good gf so yknow,, just how that relationship literally did Not even compare to cass) and guess what yes cass is learning portuguese and its the cutest thing ever btw bUt the point is she does all the little things ive ever wanted in a partner (i literally have a post with a list of things i appreciate in a partner and she does all of them!! well, the ones that arent like irl or smth) also i literally have a draft in this blog that is a list of cute things cass has done/said that means a lot to me personally but i didnt post it yet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and like theres just so so many things that i havent talked about, like how im not even sure if i was ever in love with anyone of them anymore because what i feel for cass is just so different and so much more, or like how cass actually makes me want to try to get better, which ive never actually wanted before bc it always seemed to scary, like she literally makes me wanna be not only alive but also happy bc she makes me feel like i deserve it. she has been such a good influence on me and my mental health and thats so important and its the first time someone has been this good for me.

but anyways the point is that cass is right for me in every single way like she really is my other half she literally just is everything that she is and thats how shes different from my ex girlfriends.

[organictaeyong]

boyfriend!jongin

• soft boyfriend • honestly such a sweet boy and that definitely reflects how he is in a relationship • the type to always be complimenting you • whether it’s on your outfit, a meal you made, that new haircut you got • once he even complimented you on the colour of your shoelaces, as if he thought you’d chosen them in the shop • it’s nice though, because you know he’s doing it because he wants to • and not because he wants something from you • though tbh you weren’t convinced at first • it only took a week of him complimenting you on everything for you to snap and ask him what it was he’d done wrong • the poor boy looked so flustered because he hadn’t done anything wrong he just wanted to tell you he thought the shoes you were wearing looked nice

• honestly you just felt so incredibly guilty • but of course, being the angel he is he didn’t hold it over you • and you kind of just learned to accept all the compliments for what they were • just compliments • he 100% cannot handle compliments in return, though • try and tell him that you thought his performance on stage was incredible and you can guarantee he flushes a bright red and just pulls you in for a hug • kind of shoves your face into his chest • just so you can’t see how red he’s going • gets so so so flustered • he’s never been great at accepting compliments but there’s just something about them coming from you that hits him hard • baekhyun claims it’s got something to do with the sickeningly adoring look you have on your face whenever you do it • “emphasis on the sickening y/n :-))) as in stop doing it or I’ll be sick :-))” • “don’t listen to him y/n baekhyun is just mad he can’t get laid :-))” • “okay fiRST of all jONGDAE—” • not only is jongin ready to hand out compliments at the drop of a hat • but he’s also good listener #1 • is your go to person to talk to whenever you’ve had a bad day • he doesn’t even necessarily always know the right thing to say • sometimes he doesn’t know what to say at all • but he’s always ready to just sit with you • and let you vent to him • maybe offer up some reassuring words when he thinks the situation calls for it • or agree that yeah, you were right, that co-worker of yours was completely out of order • and when you’re not angry, but sad instead • he’ll wrap you up in his arms • and just stroke your hair softly and let you get it all out of your system • usually ends with the two of you falling asleep like that • and waking up tangled together the next morning • your head pillowed on his chest • and his arms just as tight around you as they had been the night before • you like to try and offer him the same kind of support where you can • but jongin has always been pretty good at hiding what he’s feeling • so sometimes you have to coax it out of him before he’ll tell you just what’s wrong • because you can always tell • even if it’s just something stupid • like sehun taking the shirt he was gonna wear that day • or baekhyun making fun of him for that cute text he’d sent you • because jongin tends to get pouty when he’s upset • and you lowkey think it’s the cutest thing • but you also think that maybe you might be biased • because you think that everything he does is cute • from the way he wakes up each morning, face slightly swollen with sleep, and a dazed expression on his features • to the way he refuses to wear socks in winter, choosing instead to press frozen toes into the backs of your legs when you’re snuggling close for warmth at night • (actually, that last one lowkey annoys you more than anything else) • ((why can’t he just put some socks on? why does he insist on making you suffer by pressing those ice blocks against your skin?)) • jongin is a family man through and through • always talking about them • it’s always been important to him that whoever he decided to date was close with his family • and he’s so glad you are • the two of you spend a lot of time with them • they’ve lowkey adopted you as a new member of the family • which of course jongin loves • mostly because he adores seeing you spend time with his niece • lowkey makes him wonder if it’d be the same with any kids the two of you had • y’know • sometime in the future • because lets be real the two of you have your hands full as it is • being a dog parent is a full time role, you’re convinced • the two of you spend so much time looking after them • taking them out for walks • playing with them • grooming them • …dressing them up • you 100% have matching outfits with them because of course jongin convinced you it would be the cutest thing ever • honestly you weren’t fully convinced to begin with • and you definitely weren’t convinced after not only baekhyun • but jongdae, chanyeol, and minseok all burst out laughing when they saw you • at first you wondered why sehun wasn’t joining in • but when the pictures started appearing in the group chat for weeks to come, you realised exactly what had been going on • (you’ve always been convinced sehun is a snake, even if junmyeon and the others refuse to acknowledge it most of the time) • but you and jongin both lowkey saved some of those pics to use as lockscreens on your phones • like sure you might look ridiculous • but jongin was right • ….it did look kinda cute • and it was also a constant reminder of just how sweet your boyfriend could be • even though he has horrible ideas sometimes • that he tries to convince you will work out for the best • even though you know that, no jongin, it is not a good idea to sneak in a midnight swim at the hotel pool, it’s closed for a reason • (of course he’d only realised that after the run-in with the hotel security) • ((that had been an awkward conversation to have)) • he means well though • always does, no matter what • is just the biggest sweetheart on the planet • and you’re lucky to have him • (though he thinks he’s luckier to have you)

[sims-big-brother-bitch]

Sims Big Brother, Bitch! Season 1, Episode 2

Rose: “Hello, world, and welcome back to Sims Big Brother! (What was that? Oh, okay.) Sorry, welcome back to Sims Big Brother, Bitch!  Last time, we met our fourteen houseguests, and Cole was the winner of the Head of Household competition. Who will he nominate, and who will win the veto competition? Find out right now on Sims Big Brother, Bitch!

Cole: “So, I just won HoH, and I’m totally hyped. I get to pick two people to go home, and I’m totally safe this week. It’s like I’m living the dream up in here.”

“This is definitely not what I had in mind when for my HoH room...”

“Well, beggars can’t be choosers, I guess. The room is pretty big.”

“And the bed is decent, I guess. Better than what everyone else gets.”

“Eh, I guess it’s alright. Better than being a Have-Not.” *The door opens* “Huh?”

Bebe: “Oh. What are you doing in here?” Cole: “Me? I’m HoH, princess, this is my room. And only my room, might I add.” Bebe: “Hmph. I wasn’t under the impression that this room was exclusive or something.” Cole: “Have you seen the show? That’s pretty much the exact purpose of it.”

Bebe: “Well, that’s stupid. I feel like this room should be given to the prettiest one here. Not some meathead jock like you.” Cole: “Are you kidding me? You realize I can put you on the block and send you home, right?”

Bebe: “Aww, you’re so cute! You think I’m gonna be going home if you put me on the block!” Cole: “I wouldn’t get so cocky if I were you...” Bebe: “You’re just worried that I’m gonna stay and end up targeting you next week!” Cole: “What!? That’s probably the least of my worries right now. Unless you somehow win the veto or something, I’m placing my bets that you’re going home 100% this week. I’ll see you at the nomination ceremony, okay, princess?” Bebe: “Lovely! I’m quite looking forward to it~”

Cole: “This whole time I’m thinking: “Is this girl serious right now?” I don’t know why she feels the need to start this whole petty drama night one. I swear, I’m gonna do everything that I can to get her out this week. I wanna wipe that smug grin off of her face.”

Bebe: “Tata for now, big boy~ Can’t wait for my supposed eviction!”

Cole: “God, she’s horrible. Rich girls like her are all the same.” *The door opens once again...* Cole: “I swear, if this is someone else coming to argue...”

Teddy: “Hey, Cole! It’s me, Teddy!” Cole: “Oh, hey, man. What’s up?”

Teddy: “I just wanted to come and congratulate you on winning HoH! You did awesome, man.” Cole: “Oh, thanks, I guess.” Teddy: “You doing okay, man?” Cole: “Yeah, it’s whatever. Just kinda pissed off.” Teddy: “Well, don’t worry! I’ve got an idea that’ll cheer you up!”

Teddy: “Okay, so this is a little embarrassing to admit, but I totally have a man crush on Cole. He’s athletic, he’s pretty smart, and he’s cool, too... Not that I’m gay for him or anything, but uh... I just really wanna work with him. That’s it.”

Teddy: “So, what I was thinking was that the two of us should secretly team up. Y’know, I scratch your back, you scratch mine? We keep each other safe, and play for each other.” Cole: “So like a Final 2 deal?” Teddy: “Yeah, sure! Since it is just the two of us... What do you think?”

Cole: “I could see that working out. We’re both pretty strong and smart, we could have a shot at this.” Teddy: “Okay, but uh... keep it lowkey, okay?” Cole: “Lowkey? Why?”

Teddy: “Well, if people found out that two of the strongest guys in the house were working together... let’s just say that’d put a huge target on our back...” Cole: “Whatever you say, man.”

Bebe: “Honestly, that whole thing with Cole was to get him to underestimate me. Yeah, I’m gonna end up on the block for it, but I’m smarter than these houseguests think I am. I can pull through. I just need to keep up this snotty rich girl act, so the whole house doesn’t see me as a threat. It’s a solid strategy, right?”

Leon: “So, are you nervous about nominations, Stella?” Stella: “Definitely. I really don’t wanna go up this early on. I’m worried Cole’s gonna see me as a weak player and put me up on the block.” Leon: “Same. I was the first out in the HoH competition, so people here definitely think I’m the weakest link.” Stella: “But, I mean, if you’re weak, they’re gonna want to keep you, right? Because they know they can win against you.”

Leon: “Yeah, you’re right. I’ve seen people get evicted before for being strong and weak, so I guess it just depends on what Cole’s mindset is. How’s the drink, by the way?” Stella: “It’d be smarter for him to get out some of the stronger players first. Especially Bebe. She lasted until the end, and she’s kind of a jerk, too. I heard Cole talking with Teddy last night about how she just came into his HoH room and bitched at him. Not a smart move, in my opinion. Also, the drink is really good. Thanks!” Leon: “Yeah, Bebe’s definitely not... the easiest to get along. She’s got that whole stereotypical rich girl about her. Pretty, but mean, and only cares about herself. She seems to be playing to win, though.” Stella: “No kidding. Most people don’t normally go so hard for the first HoH.”

*The door opens*

Pat: “Oh, good are we talking about Bebe in here? I swear, that girl really gets on my nerves.”

Pat: “Mind if I join you guys?” *Stella and Leon look at each other* Stella: “Oh, uh... sure, Pat.”

Leon: “I really do love Pat with all of my heart, but...”

Stella: “Y’know, Pat is really sweet, but... she can be a bit...”

Leon: “She’s definitely obnoxious.”

Stella: “She just kinda... doesn’t shut up. Sorry! If you’re watching this in the future, Pat, I really don’t want to be mean to you!��

Pat: “I swear, that girl is always getting on my nerves, all she does is complain and complain! It’s, like, girl are you serious? This is a game, no one’s gonna be comfortable here, because we’re all scared we’ve all got a chance to go on the block, and we’ve all gotta stay in this house for however long......” *Leon and Stella give each other a look as they start to tune her out.* Leon: (Does she ever shut up?) Stella: (Leon, come on, don’t be rude) Leon: (It’s just... once she starts, she can’t stop... I wouldn’t mind if she went home this week...) Pat: “Hey, are you guys even listening to me?? I can see you whispering over there!” Leon: “Oh, yeah! We’re listening, Pat!”

Pat: “So, anyways, I was saying...” Stella: (*sigh* Here we go again....)

Louie: “So, since entering the house, I feel like me, Eddie, and Newt have been getting along pretty well. We’ve pretty much just been playing cards nonstop, but I think we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well. It definitely helps keep our mind off of the nomination ceremony that’s looming over us...”

Eddie: “Alright, fellas, lemme ask you something: out of every girl in this house, which one do you think is the hottest?” Newt: “Eddie, you dog, man. How am I supposed to choose just one?” Eddie: “Right? What do you think, Louie?” Louie: “God, do I have to choose? I guess.. Leah. She looked pretty hot in that bikini yesterday.”

Leah: “Ew, don’t talk about me like that.” Newt: “Maaan, you just got busted!” Louie: “Shit, uh, sorry, Leah. Didn’t mean it that way” Leah: “Yeah, sure. What are you guys playing? Mind if I join?” Eddie: “Not at all, girl. Come take a seat!”

Leah: “So, who do you guys think is going up?” Newt: “Pat and Bebe, hands down. They’re the only ones who have done anything worthy of being put up on the block, in my opinion.” Eddie: “Damn, not Bebe! She’s one of the hottest ones here!” Leah: “You know that a woman’s attractiveness shouldn’t mean whether they get to stay or not...” Eddie: “Pff, I’d rather have someone who’s good to look at than some fat old lady.”

Leah: “You’re gross. But, yeah, you make a good point, Newt. With Bebe blowing up at Cole last night and Pat just generally being... obnoxious, I can’t see Cole wanting to put up anyone else.” Louie: “We’ll see, though. So long as it isn’t me or one of you guys, I don’t really care who goes up.” Eddie: “Same here, man. If one of you guys is up there and I win veto, I’ll definitely take you down.”

Cole: “Hey, guys, it’s time for the nomination ceremony.” Eddie: “Be there in a sec, man. C’mon, let’s wrap this up.”

....

Cole: “Welcome to the very first nomination ceremony of this season. As the Head of Household, I must nominate two houseguests for eviction this week, as well as choose three Have-Nots.”

Cole: “My first nomination is.......”

Cole: “Bebe.” Bebe: “Hah. I already knew that.”

Cole: “My second nominee is...”

Cole: “Pat.” Pat: “Huh? Well, whatever you say, I guess...” Cole: “Could the two of you please take a seat.”

Cole: “Bebe, I have nominated you, due to you complaining about everything, fighting with me, and being kind of a jerk to everyone. You were also the runner up in the HoH competition. Pat, I have nominated you due to receiving multiple complaints from houseguests about how loud you are, and how you don’t shut up.” *The houseguests chuckle.* Cole: “ Additionally, I have chosen Bebe, Rhea, and Teddy to be Have-Nots. And with that, this nomination ceremony is adjourned.”

Bebe: “Guess who got nominated! At least I get to play in Veto! Now, I just need to act all pissed, and everyone will think I’m just a dumb brat!”

Bebe: “This sucks! Why should I be nominated against Pat!? I mean, she obviously deserves to go home more than I do!” Rhea: “Yes, it is quite the dilemma, isn’t it? You have my vote, though. I’m sure most people want Pat out, anyways. She’s like a hyena. She’s loud, always cackling, and never shuts up. I would love to see her go home.” Bebe: “Same. All I can say is, the minute I win Head of Household, Cole’s gonna be on that block.”

Bebe: “I mean, who does he think he is!? Nominating me  of all people!? Doesn’t he know that my dad can sue him at any minute? He’ll regret this.” Rhea: “I’m sure he will.”

Sarah: “Is everything alright in here? I could sense some bad auras when I was in the kitchen.” Rhea: “Ah, yes, everything is fine, Sarah. Bebe was just venting to me about being nominated. Bebe: “It’s stupid! I just don’t get why he’d want to nominate me!?”

Sarah: “Bebe, listen to me. I had a vision, right after he nominated you. I saw someone going home. It was hard to tell, but I knew it wasn’t you.” Bebe: “So, I’m not going home?” Sarah: “I don’t believe so. My visions are never wrong.” Rhea: “That doesn’t mean you can just lay around, though. If you don’t win Veto, you need to campaign as hard as you can. But, you’re off to a good start. It seems you have two votes to stay already.” Bebe: “You’re right. I’m not gonna go without a fight. Cole can’t send me home so easily.” (The next day.)

Rose: “Hello, houseguests! It’s almost time for the Power of Veto competition! But first, we need three randomly selected houseguests to play. These houseguests will be...”

“Leah, Stella, and....”

“Eddie! Please get ready for the Veto competition, and good luck to you all!”

Sarah: “Hello, houseguests, and welcome to the BB Art Gallery, the destination of your very first Veto competition!”

“Inside the room next to you, you will find several posters hung up on the wall.”

“Each wall has the posters arranged in a specific order.”

“Your goal for this competition is to recreate each wall exactly in your own room. You will have a minute to observe the posters on the walls.”

“Each room has its own box, containing every poster you need. You will have 30 minutes to arrange the posters into the exact positions they were in the room. Once 30 minutes has passed, the person with the most correctly placed posters will be the winner!”

Sarah: “Are you ready to play Poster Perfect!?”

Pat: “I feel like people are going to underestimate me in this competition. They think that just because I’m the oldest one here, I’m not gonna be able to memorize some posters, but they’re mistaken. For my old mind, I’ve got quite a sharp memory!”

*The houseguests carefully observe the posters in the room, taking note of which poster is where.*

*One minute passes*

Sarah: “Alright, houseguests! It’s time for you to head to your rooms to decorate your own room!”

“On your marks!!! Get set!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

*The houseguests scramble to grab their posters out of their boxes*

Leah: “Okay, I definitely know that these two were next to each other. But where do the others go...?”

Pat: “Alright, I’m definitely sure that this is where these go. 100%.”

Cole: “God, I’m really just winging this, aren’t I? This is harder than I thought.”

Bebe: “Ugh, I can’t remember which poster overlapped which... Can I go back and look at that room again?”

Eddie: “Already got a whole wall done! Nice going, Eddie.”

Stella: “*sighs* This is so nervewracking. It’s been ten minutes and I’ve only hung up a couple posters... There’s still so many left in the box. There’s no way I’m winning this.” Sarah: “Houseguests, you now have fifteen minutes to complete the challenge.” Stella: “Crap, only fifteen minutes!? I’ve just gotta throw these up there, I guess...”

Pat: “Alright, halfway done and I already have two walls almost finished. This’ll be cake!”

Cole: “God, I really have no idea what I’m doing, do I? Let’s just hope I get lucky here...”

Bebe: “Alright, let’s just make some finishing touches on this wall, and...” Sarah: “Houseguests!!! Please pin up your last poster and meet me outside where we will tally your scores!”

Sarah: “Welcome back, houseguests! It’s time to find out what your scores are! Let’s start with... Eddie!”

“Eddie, out of a possible 17 points you earned....

7!” Eddie: “Eh, not too bad. Could’ve done better.”

Sarah: “Bebe, you’re next! The score to beat is 7! Out of 17 points, you got...

14! This means you are currently in the lead” Bebe: “Yes! Take that, Cole!”

Sarah: “Stella, you’re next. In order to be in the running to win Power of Veto, you must have more than 14 points. Out of 17 points, you got....

3.” Stella: “Oh, okay. At least it wasn’t 0 like I thought....” Sarah: “Since your score was lower than 14, you are not eligible to win.”

Sarah: “Pat, you’re next! In order to be in the running you must have more than 14 points. Out of 17 points, you got........

17! A perfect score! This means you are currently the holder of the Power of Veto!” Pat: “Hah! Yes!!”

Sarah: “Leah, in order to move onto a tiebreaker round to win the Power of Veto, you must have a perfect score. Out of 17 points you scored....

16! Aw, so close!!” Leah: “Aw, man! I almost did it, too...”

Sarah: “And last but not least is our current Head of Household: Cole! In order to move onto a tiebreaker round, you must have a perfect score. Out of 17 points, you got....

8!” Cole: “Guess I better start thinking of a new nominee, huh?”

Sarah: “Congratulations, Pat! This means that you are the winner of the Power of Veto!”

Pat: “Oh my God, I did it! I won something!!” Leah: “Congrats, girl!” Stella: “You totally deserve it!”

Bebe: “Hmph... that should’ve been my Power of Veto...”

Next time, on Sims Big Brother, Bitch, find out who Cole will put up as his replacement nominee, and who will be the first evicted from the Big Brother house! It’s all here on Sims Big Brother, Bitch!

[narahalara]

hello ok i guess i should input this into this journal of mine so i can look at it years later and possibly laugh or be like wow i forgot about that LOL cause i finally fixed up my page after 2 years since i didnt use this for a good year but ive been kinda using it again lately cause i realized this is like my journal and its actually nice to see all of my old vents and stuff here haha okie here we go.

on tuesday night i was actually going through my old twitter and then i realized you actually can look at tweets from the very beginning by looking at tweets and replies soooo stupid me got bored and looked up AS’s twitter and started scrolling through his old stuff and i saw smth i should have not read from july 2017, now ofc I can be terribly wrong it could have not been about me...but i think it was because one of his friends who apparently was following my finsta that used to have so much personal shit esp about AS for the longest ass time was replying to his tweet about it... i cant remember it but it was smth along the lines of supposedly me just wanting to be happy.

And i froze. i went fucking numb. i admit i was about to cancel my tinder hangout (I don’t deem meeting up with people for the first time as dates, they are hangouts LMAO) but i was like nope thats stupid narah. this is years ago. its been 3 years. I’ve moved on. He’s moved on. He doesn’t remember me anymore. I should be free to go on and do however I please.

I also did not want to write this but, again, i must constantly reassure myself that nobody of relevance will see these rants of mine so its ok. I actually added AS on instagram a couple of days ago. Why? I think cause a part of my was just curious if I would feel ok. and honestly i was. my heart did not jump or sink. I think i only did it as a way of me peeling off the bandaids that healed my wounds just to see how my wounds were doing. were they healed? were they still bleeding? are they just scars now? i think deep down i already knew the answer, but i just wanted to be sure? anyways, he did not accept it. I know he saw it cause his follower count was fluctuating. It’s not a big deal, but I do admit a felt a slightest bit sad. I think cause when JI added me 3 years later on IG (i still remember, he added me at the end of may cause i got the friend request right after my tennis banquet had ended) and I accepted it. It just kind of hit me, I guess he really does not care about me anymore. I’m being honest, i don’t like him anymore I now in my heart I have moved on and I am a completely different person in comparison to 3 years ago and so is he. But I just felt like him accepting my request would be like this ultimate go to setting me free... i think deep down sometimes i still feel afraid to go out and “date” or explore the waters cause there is some weird underlying conscious feeling that feels like i am “cheating on him”? which makes no sense because again its just been so long. so anyways, I just wanted to write that out otherwise i feel ok.

OK wednesday I finally mustered the courage to let this awkward potato go out and meet someone via tinder without the intention of a hookup! LOL it was good, i think i am awkward but i already expected that. he was actually cute so that made me feel more nervous but he was nice and it was an interesting first time experience. i think overall i am just happy that the person was nice and i did not pass out or stutter a lot and that i did not last minute cancel like i usually do and remove them off social media and ghost them and just hope that they dont see me at 24 hour fitness (oh my lanta yes i know thats horrible i have seen my mistake and i won’t do that anymore) so yeah! this was my first time going out with a guy tbh like even with my exes i actually never went out on dates with my exes like that (lol rip i’d never tell that cause that’s weird) anywho lowkey theres obviously no love connection, which is not even the intentio anways like for me this is to get out of my comfort zone and explore and meet new people to see what i like and dont like and further improve on my skills of communication and opening up to not being afraid of being me for future endeavors lol, but he’s cute and I would be totally down to hookup with him but idk if hes into that LMAO like hes actually cute the movie was hella boring but i was trying to see if he was down for my to give him a handjob but unfortunately the seats we sat in were infront of a couple lmao we should have just gone to different seats LOL oh gosh am i horrible ? i think im just super horny like am ovulating and my hormones are fluctuating because my medication for my hormonal acne ran out so i think my hormones are thrown off and did i mention im ovulating i wanna to give someone head so badly highkey and he’s a good candidate how do i politely and respectfully ask if someone is down to hookup without sounding like a perv honestly well i will see

cause when it comes to choosing who i hook up with im highkey pretty picky? like i have two methods. either a) they stick around and text or facetime me both sexually and non sexually for a minimum of three months and i feel physically attracted to them and they are a nice person or b) they take me out and they are physically attractive to me and they are a nice person

the first option is a very complicated process tbh i tried to explain it to one guy one time and he told me it was like applying for college LMAo

so now that i finally broke that chain of fear to go out with someone via tinder i have finally mustered the courage to reply to all those other messages that i was even the slightest bit interested in but honestly im very horny :( It is actually very hard to find a combo of being nice, attractive, is willing to let me know a bit about themselves and have them ask a lil bit about me, and wants casual sex. cause i don’t want to do it with someone douchy or cocky, i feel like i’d regret it. i also want to be genuinely attracted to the person cause if i’m not i won’t enjoy it and thats not fun for either of us, i also don’t want to do it with a complete stranger, like you don’t got to tell my your childhood traumas but i personally think its nice to get to know the person whose see my in my physical vulnerability lol and finally wants casual sex (the last one is actually really easy to find, whats hard is it to find one that also checks off those other qualities)

well on another totally different note jane the virgin finished yesterday AND IM SO SAD BUT I AM SO EVER GRATEFUL FOR THIS SHOW LIKE THOSE SHOW HAS MEANT SO MUCH TO ME IT IS HONESTLY SO GOOD AND IVE BEEN SO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS SHOW FOR A LONG TIME LIKE I REWATCHED IT 4 TIMES SO I FEEL KIND OF SAD BUT THANKFUL FOR THIS SHOW ITS SO GOOD.

and i also have an ear infection cause i think i scratched my ear too hard unknowingly in my sleep according to my sister so im actually in dire pain and i worked out my arms and abs today at the gym so im hella sore ANF oh my lanta i saw a dude that i thought was AS so my whole game was lowkey a bit thrown off but its fine i just ended up laughing with my sissy alot doing abs (we’re usually super serious but i was thrown off today but its ok) so yeah thats why i am lying in bed right now in pain writing all of this hoping that pain subsides and my ears get better

okie ends rant here.

oh wait super random that one guy who is the only person who has so far passed on his application using the first method had a snap of himself at the beach and he was half naked and i was like fuck man i miss your dick LOL ok forreal end rant here. 

OH AND I STARTED EATING CHICKEN AGAIN SO MY PESCATARIAN DAYS END HERE i guess im now pollo-pescetarian lol OK FORREAL END HERE

[lilchims]

do you have any fears? what do you do on a day when you're really sad or unmotivated? do you prefer being alone to cheer yourself up or going to your friends? [again not a weirdo!! just curious :-)] I honestly feel like there's going to be a time when I'm going to be extremely introverted and unmotivated that I'll start to shut everyone off for a good month or so. do you think this is a bad thing?

also!!! what does your username mean?

hey curious anon, ur back!! im putting this under the cut bc it got kinda long

my user name is just chims + lil LOL i thought it was hella funny when i made it bc i imagined jimin rappin in shades (cue in the tony montana performance)

hmm i have a lot of fears!! i have a huge fear of heights haha rollercoasters are fine though because i rarely ever look at the ground now and i also really hate public speaking, but i’ll do it if i have to. i also fear losing my loved ones and lowkey spirits lol. i like to do both to cheer myself up! usually i’ll sit by myself in my room and wallow in sadness lol then i’ll hit up my friends when i’m ready to put myself out there again. but it all depends!! i like to handle things by myself majority of the time esp if it’s a personal problem but if it continues to pester me then i’ll vent to a friend or so. 

there probably will be a time where that happens and HEY it’s completely okay. everybody goes through something similar so you’re not alone on that! this semester, i kind of shut myself out from my close friends because of my own personal issues but i let them know why i was doing it just so that they weren’t too worried. they were all really accepting and just gave me the time to figure things out by myself (unless i asked). but that’s only if it helps, it could be a different case for you. again, i think it’s perfectly normal for that to happen bc everyone needs their own alone time but if it begins to affect your mental health and well-being, that’s when it can be a problem. :-(

[jess-oh]

Reflection

Hello blog,

it’s been a while. I really hope and pray that no one reads this anymore or at least doesn’t read this post. So if you are reading this, please skip over it. I don’t care if it’s in the future and this is an old post. Skip it. Please.

Just me? Okay cool.

So....i’ve got a lot on my mind and they arent necessarily all good. i think ive been struggling with indentity issues lately and figuring out who i am and who i want to be. i really like michaela and i just got back from playing D&D with her and her friend and i honestly had a good time! but on my way there, i was questioning myself. i thought about how much alcohol we would drink and how much i would just shrug it off and say that it’s fine. when it really wasnt. i was uncomfortable and past me would have never put myself in that position. So why do I keep doing that to myself? Purposely finding places where I could drink and wanting to in an effort to fit in. Why do I care so much? I know that I shouldn’t but I do. And I don’t think it’s a matter of feeling alone. It’s just a matter of wanting more friends and not wanting to be gossiped about or ostracized. 

I also think I’ve been feeling a bit more insecure lately too. I have been more prone to gossip and I realized that I when I previously vented about people, just because I didn’t say their name, it didnt mean that i wasnt gossiping. Because I was. Even if I kept that anonymous, I was still talking smack about them. And then I started questioning the line of gossip. Is venting gossip? Is talking smack in an effort to feel better about yourself gossip? It’s not always so clean and simple where you are intentionally talking badly about someone for the sake of talking badly. I want to spend more time with myself, by myself and figure myself out without influence from outside forces. And I do feel bad because Loren has been messaging me kinda often when I can’t exactly talk on the phone. And I do want to be there for her and although she has been a bit of a burden, I haven’t been a great listener either.  I often just check out of the conversation and vent about her issues to my friends and that seems pretty messed up. I don’t want to do that. I want to genuinely be there for her. I want to be the kind of friend that just drops everything in an effort to care for their loved ones. but... idk man. i also dont know if when ive been thinking, ive just been forcing myself to be this mold or someone that i want to be but not necessarily who i am. i keep saying that im super aggressive and sometimes i am. but not nearly as often as i claim to be. i think thats just who i want to become. and yes, i have been trying to keep myself a little more in check with my bluntness. but honestly, i am scared and intimated by what other people will say when i do want to confront them. i think it’s important to be considerate first. and i was just thinking about the summer and how in my own skin i felt and how God gave me the gift of compassion and how so in love I felt. I was so on fired and fueled by prayer and the words just poured out of my mouth. i didnt even have to think about it there. there was great power present and it was honestly amazing. but when we were at pastor william’s and i was asked what i like most about myself, i said, “compassion.” but it felt so weird. and wrong. because it was no longer true. i think over the summer, that was by far my best quality. i was filled with so much love and care for others and i was blunt bc i just wanted the best for them. but ive grown so unbelievably selfish lately and have “treated myself” way too often. i do still love others. a lot. but it’s not just about me. i want to care and serve for others too. those are my defining features. and maybe one day i will receive the gift of tongues. but for now, i just want to reestablish myself with Christ and move forward from here. I want to be me and work toward a better version of myself. I want to take good care of myself and while gaining control might have been a good excuse in the beginning, im nearly halfway through with the semester now and there are still so many variables that i cant control. so much has been happening and i just want to continue to do my best and maintain my cool. 

im starting to get tired since it’s 2:26am but I really want to finish this blog entry.

So, Andrew. Hi Andrew.

I don’t like Lauren. You’re with her at Disneyland right now and I have no idea how it’s going but I’m assuming and fearing that it’s going really well. Because I really don’t like her. And maybe it’s bc we got off on the wrong foot or because I never gave her a chance. But more than that, she just reminds me of high school and how miserable I was. A part of me is afraid that she’s just using you as a sick joke and laughing about you behind your back with her friends. And I know that you’re worth so much more than that and I don’t know why I’m so worried about you but I am. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m losing you as a friend. Not just to her but in general. Maybe it’s because I know Lauren is close to Anela and Anela hardcore fucked me over. Maybe it’s because she was on ASB and knew Heidi. And Heidi drove me to cut myself. Maybe it’s just the thought of idea of her, getting close to you, and you guys becoming something more...and the two of us just drift apart again.

I mean, we already are. I finally confronted him recently and said that he’s been a lot more apathetic and selfish lately and he wasnt too offended but i dont think he fully registered it either. and i still havent told him about how he keeps objectifying women by just their appearance or as sexual objects and at first, i kinda just brushed it off and said, “oh...well, he’s a guy! whatever” but i knew in my heart that that is just a cop-out. i know so many guys that are much more respectful and not nearly as misogynistic. But I still want to be his friend and idk if im just overreacting because when i was watching jane the virgin earlier, i realized that i just casually say, “man, hes really cute.” and hes just going that to girls so is that really so weird? and im just not used to hearing the other side of it? maybe?????????? or it’s similar but hes taking it into the sexual approach? but he does still seem willing to give people a chance and move past appearance? But, he’s also been saying hes a lot of things that hes not in an effort to make himself look better. it’s a defense mechanism and i realize that i do that too. whenever something is remotely negative toward me, i immediately try and think of all the reasons why im actually good and not that bad thing. but i want to stop and try to just accept them as true and fact and work on them from there instead of dying them in the first place.

and finally, my sexuality. ive been drawn a lot more over the years to watching big boobs and scantily clad women. and im wondering if it’s bc im lowkey gay but im too afraid to admit it because of my religion? Why would God make me like this anyway? But all the people ive crushed on have also been guys so maybe im just straight? maybe? ???

or bisexual? maybe? i honestly dont know. or maybe it’s just because women are so overly exposed and their bodies are so heavily sexualized in media and im just used to that media too. bc i def feel turned on whenever i watch an anime clip or a real life version of sexy scenes. but it could also just be a result of repression and my sexual desire for the flesh and wanting to feel that intensity and that passion. but i know i shouldnt til marriage! but i would definitely be lying if i said that ive never been tempted. i have definitely thought of masturbation as an option too. eee, who knows. but i also like to dress scandalously sometimes too bc it makes me feel good. yes, sometimes it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. but other times, esp in my high waisted shorts and crop top, i feel BOMB DOT COM!!! And I might even be a little bit turned on by myself. i was hanging out with joyce and sharlene the other day and joyce mentioned how shes only a C cup and i thought about how i’m a D. And yet, Joyce is a lot bigger than I am. And then I felt kind of self conscious. But I do want to be more body positive and grow to love and appreciate my rather large boobs as they are. I know growing up, I felt pretty ashamed of them but I want to just be able to openly flaunt them instead and work in and wear crop tops and low necklines bc i feel good and im killin the game. really. thats part of the reason why i want to dress up as silk from the amazing spiderman. shes pretty well covered but i know that the body suit would accentuate my curves and mostly my boobs and i do want them to pop and feel hottttt. and i did a lot of research into creeps at the con and obviously i want to avoid them but a part of me actually wants to get hit on by a creep, just for my self esteem. yknow? like, wow, im so hot that i am worthy of getting hit on or cat called. and it sucks and it’s a bi degrading but i do think i would feel pretty good about myself, as sad as that sounds. 

im just... im feeling really conflicted right now. i do want to do more exploring but thats not how i was raised but i dont want to live such an oppressed lifestyle but i also just want to be with God. and i want to be around people that i feel open about sharing my sexual fantasies with, even if i want to remain a virgin until marriage. not really but i know that it’s the right thing to do.

hm.

welp, yeah. i played dungeons and dragons with michaela spontaneously. we planned to do it at 11pm that night after work and we follow through and even though we were short a few people and jordan couldnt do my hair, we still had a pretty gr9 time. so yay.

i just. yeah. sigh.i got a lot to do and think about. 

on the bright side, ive made sooooo much progress with my homework! but now i just really got to work on graphic design. ive been realizing that ive been putting that off more and more bc i want to avoid it whilst focusing more on physics and ITM, the two subjects that i previously used to avoid. neither are great but i guess it’s better that im focusing on those two notes bc i am hardcore struggling. but i also dont want to neglect a major class. so...we’ll see, i guess, haha. tess wasnt at work today and i didnt talk smack about her at all. instead, i met hailey and made a new friend c:

im going to see rocky horror tomorrow night and im happy to be going out with my friends and keeping marlena company but i do also feel bad bc church and im risking not waking up. and now that’s just on me. and it’s no longer such a small deal if i decide not to go. bc that affects dana as well and i do really want her to get to know Christ and really rekindle this relationship that she has with Him. I want Lakeview to become a place where people can feel a lot more personable and open with each other. And I don’t want to compare myself to others and wonder why someone did something for someone else but not me because it’s really not about me. it’s about us, in that moment, at that time, and what they are going through. not about me. not at all.

i think that’s all for now. i hope i can get a lot done tomorrow for graphic design and management! C: and i hope i can be more open with andrew too bc we definitely are growing apart and it breaks my heart and i feel this underlying sense of loyalty, just bc we were both there for each other when we needed someone to be there for us. and i am afraid that lauren is going to take up his time and he’ll neglect his time with me and i wont be as much of a priority to him. and that does kinda break my heart and i do miss him. i miss so many of my californian friends. i really do. and i cant wait to see them again over winter break.