#this stage makes me sob i wont lie

[jjanguri]

ZEROBASEONE final lineup

[minminnie-shii]

Giving SF9 Cuddles

Hai hai!! I know i’ve been gone for a while

lets just act like that never happened

Buttt, I’m back and recently I’ve been watching the new series of Kingdom and I am so hype to see my babies sf9 

currently sobbing

also my mom was very upset when they came in last place

anyways they’re all working so hard and I’m so proud of them so I decided to write this for all the Fantasy and new Fantasy who are getting into my babies.

so here is sf9 wanting cuddles, enjoy

~Kim Youngbin~

this man

uggghhh

i love him so much i might cry

moving on

being a father of eight children is hard work

but my best baby does everything he can and is the best leader he can be for those boys

butttt

being a little is hard work and he needs to be taken care of as much as they do

insert the love of his life

thats you

youre good at telling when hes stressed and do everything you can to help him

so when he looks at you with doe eyes asking for cuddles you don’t hesitate to say yes

so now your laying on your bed youngbins head on your chest

youre running your hand through his hair softly and humming to him

he lets out a peaceful sigh and lifts hiss head looking up at you

“i love you so much” 

he looks so sleepy and you couldn’t stop yourself from cooing at him

he eventually falls asleep and you just lay there quietly admiring him

he’s the love of your life and you’ll never understand how you got so lucky to have someone like him in your life

#toptiercouple

~Kim Inseong~

this man

DORK ALERT

he will ask for cuddles in the most dramatic way

you’re at the dorm visiting him before he starts filming for his new show

you know that you wont be able to see him for a while and youre a little sad

inseong of course knows this

so he wants to make today extra special

he surprised you with flowers and your favorite snacks 

he even bought you a penguin plushie that was almost the size of you

so now youre sitting on the couch waiting for him to come back so you could start the movie you wanted to watch

inseong was watching you from the kitchen

you were playing with the sleeves of his sweater that you were wearing staring blankly at the screen in front of you

he smiled softly to himself before skipping into the livingroom

“____, dont look so sad, cuddle me instead!”

his loud voice nearly made you jump out of your skin

he plopped onto the couch next to you and wrapped his arms tightly around you

he pulled you into his chest and slowly rocked you back and forth

a smile came to your face as you rested your head on his chest

“it wont be long, i promise ill call you everyday, okay?” 

he assured you that he’ll come see you as soon as filming was over

you knew that he would and you were more than willing to wait for him

because you love him and there was nothing that would ever change your mind

even if he is a major dork that makes you cringe more often than not

~Lee Jaeyoon~

bias wrecker number 1

did you guys see how hard he practiced for the jealous stage on kingdom

i might cry

i hope he got enough time to rest after hurting his knee

you were at your apartment when youngbin called you letting you know that jaeyoon was on his way to the hospital

of course you were worried but he assured you that he was okay he just hurt his knee

sObBiNg

of course you told him that you would meet him there and quickly got dressed

once you finally reached the hospital your boyfriend was staying at you found youngbin who was waiting for your outside

“is he okay? hes not too hurt is he?” 

“he’ll be okay, he just has to rest for a while, i told him you were coming”

as quickly as he could he led you into the room where jaeyoon was lying restlessly

when he heard the door open his head shot over to you and he smiled sadly

you quickly composed yourself and smiled, walking over to him

you sat in the chair next to him and the two of you talked for a while

he told you about coming in last place, feeling like he didn’t work hard enough

it hurt you to see him like that and you did everything you could to reassure him that you were proud of him and he did the best that he could

he began to grow sleepy while talking to you and you could tell

“can you spend the night here with me?” 

you almost squealed out loud as he sleepy state but you just nodded and agreed

he scooted as far as he could to the side of the bed to make room for you

you laid down next to him and he immediately wrapped his body around yours hugging you as closely as he could

he easily fell asleep to you petting his hair and whispering sweet nothings to him

i squealed

~Lee Sanghyuk~

bEaNnnnN

hes so adorable i cant handle it

he also may be my moms favorite she doesnt know yet

although he is a dork he is very serious when it comes to his relationship with you

you are the light of his life and he will treat you as such

but youre still not safe from his pranks and constant jokes

he came to your apartment in his next attempt to bug you 

but when he noticed that you weren’t your normal bubbly self he placed himself next to you on the couch

you immediately reacted and rested your body against his

he leaned back into the cushions and pulled you into his lap

he would occasionally kiss your forehead letting out small hums

he would listen intensely as you tell him about you day

you explained why you were sad and he acted as if it happened to him

giving you advice on how to deal with the situation

it was rare for you to see him so serious but you loved that he was willing to help you with whatever problem that you had

even if it was something small a small trivial matter that didnt have any meaning

once he was sure that you were okay and they two of you would joke around

being the little shit that he is he would pin you down on the couch and began to tickle you

“yah, knock it off!” 

you tried your best to push him off of you

but our man is swole and was not letting you off that easy

once he finally decides youve had enough flops down and lays on top of you

“youre lucky youre cute”

you couldn’t stop the growing smile on your face as the two of you continued to joke around

~Baek Ju Ho~

bias wrecker number 2

hes so precious and i cant handle the cuteness

aaaahhhhh

excuse me ill calm myself

the boy

whether he admits it or not

he will drop anything and run the minute you call his name

and if youre sad or if you pout

lord you better believe hes right there plotting the death of whoever made you sad

one day you and zuho are out walking around doing couple things

you know, being adorable

when all of a sudden you see a group of girls pointing and laughing

you werent sure what they found funny but you began to grow self concious

it didnt even have to be you that they were laughing at, but your mind got the best of you

zuho noticed the sudden change in behavior and immediately took your hand

he pulled you into a hug and rocked you back and forth slightly

he caressed the back of your head and whispered to you about how much he loves you and how beautiful you are

you looked up at him and smiled softly 

he chuckled to himself before placing a soft kiss to your lips

he continued to press light kisses all over your face as he hugged you tighter

you giggled and hid your face in his chest

the people that surrounded you couldn’t help but smile as they watched the two of you

even the girls who you thought were laughing at you they had large smiles on their faces as they all talked about wishing to have a boyfriend like him

~Kim Seok Woo~

i swear i feel like he would be the best boyfriend ever

i know im not the only one who sees it

C U D D L E B U G

he won’t be able to live if he doesnt touch you at least once every ten minutes

ten seconds

he loves your touches 

lets be honest he loves everything about you

i am not kidding

after a stressful day of filming schedules and whatever other plans he has

his favorite thing is to come home and have you waiting for him

there were a lit of times where you would fall asleep waiting for him

he knew that it was late and you wouldnt be awake so he didnt bother to call you

he walked into his dorm tired from the long day that he had

after getting a bottle of water he walked into his room and a large smile came to his face

you were lying on his bed bundled up in his blankets sleeping peacefully

he got ready for bed as fast as he could wanted to lie next to you as fast as he could

once he was ready he carefully and quietly lifted up the blanket covering up your body

he laid down next to you and slipped one arm underneath your body

he slowly rolled you over so your body was lying on top of his

once the two of you were cozy he covered your body back up with the blanket

letting out a peaceful sigh he relaxed his body against yours closing his eyes and letting your quiet breathing quickly lulling him to sleep

you woke up a little later noticing that you werent lying in the same position you fell asleep in

your eyes fluttered open and a smile came to your face as you stared at your sleeping boyfriend

you placed a small kiss on his nose before settling back down and once again falling into your slumber

~Yoo Taeyang~

baby

i love him so much

literally no words can explain it

uggghhh

anyway

his favorite thing to do outside of his idol life

iiisss 

*YOU*

so when he FINALLY gets a day off

guess what hes doing

hanging out with the love of his life of course

duh

he spent the night at your apartment the day before and now the two of you are lying in bed 

youre both lying on your sides just staring at each other with cute smiles on your faces

the aura around the two of you is peaceful, quiet, and intimate

to anyone looking in you could see the love pouring off of the two of you just by looking

you lifted your hand and brought it closer to taeyangs face, trailing your fingers up his jaw

you brought your hand up to his hairline and gently caressed his hair

“i love you”

a red hue came to taeyangs cheeks as he buried his face in your neck

“yah, you cant say stuff like that out of no where”

you giggle as his breath tickled your neck

you draped your arms loosely around his neck as he shifted to hover above you

“but its true”

“i love you” 

he buried his face in your neck again and attacked you with kisses

you squealed loudly and the two of you spent the rest of your day just like this

and neither of you would have it any other way

~Kim Youngkyun~

this dood

A W K W A R D

seriously please help him

no one really knows how the two of you got together

youre both so awkward that people dont understand your relationship

but lets be honest the two of you are perfect for each other

hwiyoung is a sensitive lil gentleman and he totally understands you

buttt sometimes it doesnt come out how he wants it to

you know, him being awkward and all

he does love your affection but he just has a hard time showing it

so a lot of the time youre the one that has to initiate it

“youngie come here”

his head shot over to look at you the minute that he heard you whine

he stood on his feet and walked over to his bed where you were sitting

“are you okay? whats wrong?” 

you just smiled and grabbed his hand pulling him onto the bed

he let out an exclaim of surprise as he landed with an oof on the bed

you acted quickly and wrapped your arms around his waist

you laid half of your body on top of his and stared down at him

his face was red as he stared up at you

“i hate it when you do that”

you laughed again as you rested your chin on his chest

“you love it and you know it”

he just rolled his eyes and the two of you continued to talk to each other while lying like that

hwiyoung locked his hands around your waist while you talked about your idea of getting a new puppy

“will you name it after me?” 

you gushed at his pout and squished his cheeks together

“youre too cute”

you loved how adorable he was and you hoped that he stayed this adorable forever

~Kang Chanhee~

fluffy fluff boy

deserves all the love in the world

supes awk

but tries to act confident around you because well

the boys make fun of him about you

our lil actor boy will be super chill about it as long as youre in the room

but the minute you leave

will whine and complain to his members

so one day when you randomly walked into the dorm and they were all there

you didnt hesitate to walk over to chani on the couch and plop down next to him 

you wrapped one arm around his waist and rested your head on his shoulder

you let out a small sigh and relaxed yourself into his body

the boys didnt say anything but they all had smiles on their faces as the two of you were in your own little world

chani slipped his hand into yours as the two of you continued to talk about your days

“when are you going to teach me your new routine?”

chani laughed and kissed the top of your head

“whenever youre ready”

he smiled when you let out a little yawn

“come on, lets go to bed”

you sat up and stood on your feet following him into his room

you plopped onto his bed and he laid down next to you

“will you sing for me?” 

he let out a tiny giggle before nodding

once the two of you were comfortable he began to sing quietly until your head lulled to the side 

once he knew you were sleeping he hugged you closer loving the fact that you were so close to him

[poutybinz]

We got the fluff, we got the smut, now let's get the ANGST 🙂🙂 how will the boys react to their s/o dumping them hahahaha sorry I live for angst

me too lowkey muahaha

yeonjun

“break up? what do you mean break up?”

you would literally see the joy drain from his face like

his entire world just came crashing down around him and all he wants to know is why

and even if you give him an answer, it’s not gonna make any sense to him

nothings gonna make sense, why can’t you both just work it out?

he’s frustrated and devastated and he doesn’t know who to blame and how to process this

what hurts the most about yeonjun is that he’s definitely the type to hug you and not let go in this situation

yeonjun’s lowkey toxic trait is thinking that sex can fix everything (post breakup sex is definitely a thing and it’s painful)

he attaches to you, he’s kissing at your neck and you have to push him away because that’s the last thing either of you need

but he just clings to you, hugging you tightly with his head buried in the crook of your neck

and that’s when he starts crying, when the realization that it’s really over starts to hit

he wants to kiss you, he wants to hug you

he wants you to tell him this is some stupid joke so he can order food and you can have your movie nights like you always do

the denial stage lasts really long tho, there are some days he wakes up and forgets that you’re broken up and he calls you

and when you either don’t answer or you answer and you have to remind him it’s that same heartbreak all over again

he really cannot let you go, no matter how hard he tries he just can’t

soobin

one half of the crybabies

bc he will cry and he will cry a lot

first, it’s shock. he’s stunned, and then he’s confused.

then when you explain yourself he’s filled with overwhelming disappointment because he didn’t do right by you

maybe he got comfortable and didn’t think about it enough

but the simple fact that you feel like you aren’t loved, that you aren’t the center of his universe is enough to break him completely

he doesn’t blame you at all, he blames himself and that hurts you because you don’t want him to think he wasn’t an amazing boyfriend

sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want them to

it’s a little toxic but he hates himself dearly for letting you go. for not loving you the way he should have. he hates himself a lot

thing is though, soobin wont argue with you.

as much as he loves you and he doesn’t want you to leave him, if you feel unhappy he’s not gonna keep you

so there would be a moment where maybe he’d ask for one last hug and kiss

and in that moment in each other’s embrace, both of you would burst into tears

and all soobin can do is whisper “i love you” over and over again because of course he does

he always will, no matter what

beomgyu

similar to yeonjun, there’s a lot of disbelief

“what are you talking about? you’re joking, right?”

he kind of skips over the sadness bit (or at least it comes later) and he goes straight into anger

he’s so devastated and so heartbroken he just lashes out

“why did you tell me all those things if they weren’t true?! why would you lie to me for all of this time if you were going to leave?!”

he’s irrational at this point and no matter how many times you try to explain that you hadn’t had some sort of plan to get him attached to you and then leave

and that sometimes things just don’t work out

it’s going through one ear and out the other, he might even start throwing things and it might turn into an argument

but once all of the anger wears off he’s left with sadness

he just plops onto the floor or the couch or wherever and he just cries and cries

he doesn’t at first but he lets you come sit and cry with him

you have a moment where you can talk things out, you can try to explain to him where you’re coming from

and that you’ll always have love for him

he understands but that doesn’t mean he isn’t still gonna miss you

he hates watching you leave though he’s trying to be strong but it just hurts too much

taehyun

the worst thing about this would be the complete lack of emotion

because if there’s anything taehyun’s good at, it’s composing himself. he can put on a front if he really wants to.

so when you say “i think we should break up”, he doesn’t respond at all

he just stares blankly at you, but even then you can tell he’s panicking. you can almost see the spurs turning in his head

but instead he just stares at you and nods slowly. he doesn’t ask questions, he doesn’t push the subject any further.

but he’s hurting inside. he’s screaming and he’s begging, his hands are balled into fists and he’s very clearly holding back a lot

and you know him so you call him out on it, you’re trying to get him to open up because you don’t wanna end this on bad terms

he just shakes his head, though. likely to walk away from you completely because he’s not gonna cry in front of you.

mumbles a small “thank you for everything” before leaving

and he’s a pure wreck for days, nearly weeks after

of everyone he’s the quickest to delete your phone contact (to rip the bandaid off) but on his worst nights he cries himself to sleep watching videos of you two that he can’t stir up the courage to delete

hueningkai

the second member of the crybaby team

so no this is gonna suck a lot

because you’ve damn near never seen hyuka upset in any way. his two emotions are :D and :) he’s always a bundle of joy

so when you break the news to him, similar to yeonjun, you see his whole world collapse in his eyes

his eyes start watering and his lip starts quivering

“what did i do wrong? can i try to fix it?”

what hurts the most about hyuka is that he’s really gonna try anything and everything to get you to stay with him

he’s offering up everything, he’s swearing he’ll give you the moon and stars if that’s what you want

and when none of that works, he’s practically sobbing and he’s still begging

and seeing him like that with big fat tears streaming down his face pleading for you, its too much

young love is a son of a bitch :/

he pretty much never comes to terms with it, no matter how hard you try to explain it to him.

you give him one final hug and god he clings to you for dear life

“please don’t go, i’m sorry. i can fix it.”

there’s no easy way to leave the dorms so you have to just untangle yourself from him and go and the poor boy just wails for you

of all of them he struggles the hardest with this. still has you saved as “love of my life 💗🌈✨” in his phone, refuses to get rid of any the pictures you took together

occasionally still texts you whenever soemthing big happens in his life to tell you he’s thinking of you :(

texted you when they won their first big award and it was a bittersweet feeling when you responded with “congratulations, huening” instead of the usual slew of pet names you gave him

yeah he’s still hurting

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas: A Poor Bird

Also on AO3! (if you recognise the au it might be because I started a full fic which i abandoned because i realised a full canon retelling is l o n g. i’ll still probably write bits and pieces like the other AUs) 

TL;DR:  Izuku isn't quirkless. Not that Inko would ever let you know that.

AKA: Good dad Enji, bad mum Inko

TW: Child Abuse

Inko Quirk: Attraction of small objects Issues:

Many

Soooooooo many

Hisashi  Quirk: All for one

Izuku Quirk: Push and Pull

Allows him to push objects away from him, or pull objects towards him.

If the object is heavier than him, the force acts on him instead

Injuries

Crush injures on the hand, never healed correctly

Limited range of movement + tremors

Issues

Feels horrifically ill if he uses his quirk, has flashbacks. Cant use it at all until he is trained by allmight

Can't remember his mother hurting him outside of flashbacks and nightmares. Only knows it happened bc katsuki can remind him

PTSD

Dislikes: Being called "cute" or being implied to be helpless but he can suck it up if hes not feeling too shitty.

Enji 47

First-year in All Might's final year.

Met Rei when he first reached the top ten, aged 22 and married her a year later, with fuyumi on the way just a quickly

Knows ab. All Mights other form

Rei 48

Does ballet!

Shouto 15

No scar

Yet, anyway. We can fix that.

Touya 19 Changes

A little less crispy fried, still scarred by his own quirk. Wears gold contacts undercover as Dabi

Natsuo

21

Studying Medicine

Fuyumi

23

She's a teacher!

Mushy Stuff feat. The Todoroki’s

enji is still number 2 hero. hes actually really nice? he just has a major case of resting bitch face. hes from a rich family, he got dragged out to a ballet to celebrate his becoming number 2 and he was whining we hes like, 21 and doesnt wanna see a ballet he just wants to go to work, or get drinks with his sidekicks. hes being a bit of a grump and his parents are living for their grumpy son bc he still has Round cheeks and hes adorable

anyway its been like, 20 minutes and the show finally starts and enji is like "god i can go home after this and s l e e p" but like, the lady comes out on stage and hes in love. tall, white hair and incredibly graceful. his mum has to hit him bc hes blushing so hard hes getting uncomfortably warm

after the show he like, breaks into her dressing room. hes got his hands clamped over his eye and he like "oh my god im so sorry if you are changing i promise im not looking i just have somewhere to be after this but please what do i have to do to get you to agree to go to dinner with me"

and rei is r e d bc the grouchy number 2 hero has burst into her dressing room and hes bright red and his hair is smouldering slightly and she just laughs and pulls his hands away from his eyes and tells him she'd love to. enji just walks out, faintly dazed with rei's number on his phone and hes so ridiculously happy he cant stop his hair from smoking

anyway, they date, they get married etc

but rei's ballet company is threatening to drop her if she has kids bc she wont be "perfect" anymore and she's torn up about it bc enji started dating her because of ballet and what if he hates her? but enji is like ",,, i kinda,,, love you? plus you and our hypothetical kids with be gods gift to this earth. i will buy you a whole ballet company if i have to"and shes crying and everything is soft

she has fuyumi and she is the worlds most perfect baby and enji is the most protective dad on this planet

then she has dabi bc she wanted fuyumi to have a sibling and dabi is born w his quirk and sneezes embers and enji is crying because his son is perfect

and then they have another kid bc they are sickeningly in love and their children are all wonderful and they have natsuo who likes to eat not food things and rei loves her chunky toddler. enji is crying because "hes gonna be such a big strong man" and also because natsuo keeps trying to eat his flaming beard

and then they have shouto bc "fuck it more children” hes born and rei is crying bc "look he looks just like you enji!" and enji is crying because "rei he looks just like you,,," and fuyumi is crying bc she has another little brother, dabi is trying not to cry bc hes a big strong 5 yearold and natsuo is like,,, 3 and hes trying to est his baby brothers hair and hes perfect

also!!! dabi is a double agent. he loves his dad v much and is pretending to be a villain to keep him and the rest of his family safe

enjis that dad that’s so fucking embarrassing and he does it on purpose?? during the sports festival he’s in his seat and he’s just “sHOUTOOOO” everyone turns and they’re just ???? todoroki s bright red but he’s yelling back

“wHAT”

endeavour, making a lil heart with his hands: “i love you and i’m very proud of you ♥️”

hi please enji sending photos of his kids to allmight all the time. all might fucking adores these little children and sends them so much random merch bc they are so fucking cute. he holds natsuo who’s trying to eat his weird bunny ear hair and he’s just

i love,,,these kids,,,

natsuo is a Chunky Boy. hes a toddler with the density of lead, hes so fucking heavy and round and allmight adores him. shouto looks at you judgingly even as a baby and allmight feels personally attacked

Pre canon + Training arc

in this au, izuku has a stronger version of his mothers quirk. like, really good telekinesis and he wants to be a hero! she hits him if he uses his quirk, makes him say hes quirkless and weak, says she just wants to protect him. she withholds food to keep him "perfect" because

"your father ruined me, now im all covered in ugly stretch marks and im disgusting, but ill make you perfect"

inko makes izuku wear feminine clothes and keep his hair long bc shes kinda trying to make him into like, the perfect version of her? and she always threatens to scrub izukus "fathers" freckles off his face with steel wool

shes ,,, conflicted about Katsuki

(katsuki knows something is up w inko and izuku so hes not terrible)

because she doesnt want her "perfect" sweet son to become brash like Katsuki but she kinda,,, likes her son being the damsel in distress that has to be saved by his stronger friend? and thinks that if izuku has a guard he won't need to be strong himself if they play in her house, inko is the villain, katsuki is the hero and izuku has to be the hostage that needs to be saved.

izuku tells katsuki about his quirk one day and he mentions it in front of inko. katsuki is almost thrown out of the house and he can hear izuku screaming from inside, and hes trying to get through the door bc his friend his crying and its not his fault. he stays there with this ear pressed against the door for hours. izuku stops crying after 45 minutes, inko starts saying shes sorry after 3 hours

inko crushed her son's hands

inko needs her hands for her quirk to work and assumes izuku does too? So she methodically crushes every finger and his wrists to try to ruin his ability to use his quirk. izukus hands heal but he cant write without it hurting and that makes him really upset bc he loves to draw. its the only thing that his mum lets him do that he enjoys. inko says sorry but she still blames him

"im sorry it hurt honey but mummy had to do it, you understand right?"

from that day forward katsuki starts training to be a hero bc he doesnt want anyone getting hurt like izuku ever again. he helps izuku train too in secret, they work together to lie because izuku wants to he a hero, and if he can survive his mother? he can do anything.

after that time w inko he cant use his quirk. like, physically? he can, but he has panic attacks and freezes up if he tries. basically izuku gets bullied for being quirkless, but not by Katsuki

ep 1 happen kind like normal. izuku asks "can i be a hero without a quirk?" allmight says no but he manages to use his quirk to save katsuki and katsuki hugs him as he cries, izuku pulls katsuki from the sludge villain w his quirk, allmight saves the day

the heroes are like, 2 secs from scolding izuku for using his quirk but the boy is having a horrific panic attack and they would feel bad ab it. also katsuki looks like hes gonna commit real actual murder if someone so much as touches izuku so they awkwardly walk away

allmight confronts izuku ab. the whole "i though you were quirkless" thing and izuku has another panic attack and all might feels terrible izuku is basically apologising for having a quirk??? that that sits really badly w toshi so he asks izuku if he can help him and katsuki train to be heroes and izuku cries and says yes

izuku looks at the time and starts crying again and allmight is like??? did i do something wrong???

izuku is sobbing that he doesnt wanna go home because "she'll be so angry" and toshi is like,,, holy shit im just gonna steal this child i guess but izuku convinces him hes overacting and izuku runs home, after toshi gives him his phone number and stresses that izuku is allowed to call even for "stupid" reasons

mitsuki is confused that katsuki looks so worried hes like,, pacing and he keeps sticking his head outside to look over the balcony to the street and checking his phone bc izuku hasnt told him what happened yet and hes scared that inko finally snapped and hurt him too badly to recover from

inko??? wasnt happy

shes beating izuku with heavy stuff and asking him if he thinks shes a terrible mother or something. izuku is crying because hes sorry and he didnt mean to use his quirk he was just scared. inko starts crying and is patching him up and says that she only hurts him because she loves him and wants him to be happy and perfect . izuku doesnt get food for 2 days after that, he has to sneak out to train w katsuki and all might. all might actually asks katsuki ab. it

"his mother is fucking crazy. my mum doesnt believe me but shes batty. lost it when her husband left and is trying to keep izuku like a fucking doll, its creepy"

izuku tends to wear gloves of long sleeves, or draws over his hands bc they are c o v e r e d in scares. on a particularly bad training day izuku cant hold his water bottle and he cant stop himself tearing up so katsuki holds the bottom for it and izuku is so embarrased and gratful and all might wants to cry because who hurt this kid???

like,, three? months into the training izuku comes up to all might and the kid is shaking and pale but he looks so determined and he says in the softest voice "i want to start training my quirk" and all might smiles like the sun

Entrance Exam

So allmight has already given his quirk to Mirio, he and nighteye made up. Hes out heroing, saves izuku from the sludge villain, Izuku doesn’t cling on but there is something ab the way Izuku looks at him that worries allmight so he stays to answer his question and runs out of time. Izuku asks if he can be a hero w/o a quirk, allmight hesitates. Izuku just quietly says "its ok, thank you for your time" and leaves. All might feels terrible.

He realises the sludge villain is gone, curses and runs towards the explosions. Izuku is wandering around trying to find Katsuki and sees the sludge villain has him. W/o wasting a moment he runs towards him, trying to pull him free. He uses his quirk to pull him out by the shirt and stands infront of katsuki to try to keep him safe. Allmgiht rushes in to help.

The heroes try to tell Izuku off but katsuki just yells at them and they hurry away. They run into Yagi and he tries to talk to Izuku but katsuki just yells at him. Allmight explains his form thing and tells izuku he can totally be a hero but oh hey werent you quirkless?

Katsuki is ab. To rip Allmights head off, izuku just explains he doesn’t much like his quirk. All might asks if he can help train the two of them to be heroes and they agree 100%. Izuku has to run home and leaves Katsuki w allmight. Katsuki tells him he'll need to look after Izuku and walks off in the same direction. Allmight is l o s t

Izuku gets beaten byhis mother for using his quirk, sneaks out to train with yagi and katsuki. Yagi is worried but there isnt much he can do. Mirio and Sir show up sometimes to chat w allmight and help training, All might admits hes going into teaching bc hes going to have to retire soon and Izuku tells him he'll be amazing at it, katsuki just roasts allmight

Day of the entrance exam mirio wishes them both good luck .

Izuku has told his mother hes taking the gen-ed written exam and has permission to go get food with katsuki afterwards. He has applied for gen-ed and the hero course and honestly doesn’t believe he'll get into heroics but he has to try.

Someone pushes him, Occhako catches him, they all say hello and enter the written exam hall. Izuku finds it easy as pie so hes honestly kinda worried that hes missing something (hes not, hes just smart). There is a moral dilema at the end of the test and he answers it in a way that concerns the markers (in a self esteem kinda way)

So they enter the auditorium and and izuku finds out he isnt in katsukis arena which makes im panic, but he tells him to suck it up because hes a grown as teenager and can handle himself which cheers izuku up. Iida calls them out for talking.

At the arena hes having a quiet breakdown, sees ochako and lights up, goes to talk to her but Iida tells him off for being a trouble maker. Someone in the crowd snidly asks "when did they start letting 12-year-old girls take the exam" and izuku feels like dirt. Mic calls start and his fight/flight is so overreactive he throws himself straight into the exam

Pulling rubble and crap w great force through the robots, he gets around 20 points? But after a while he just shuts down. He feels sick and he hates his quirk and his mother and his hnds ache and he just c a n t do it anymore.

Aizawa watches this kid in arena 4 crumple to the ground and he spares a moment to be sad for the kid. He looked promising, but its not the first time someone has cracked under the pressure durring the entrance exam. He sees allmgiht looking saddened out of the corner of his eye, locked on the screen, and thinks maybe this kid is why he asked to be excluded from the judging team.

Izuku sees the zero pointer and cant even bring himself to run away. But then he hears ochako cry out and instantly sprints towards her.

He pulls himself into the air and pulls as many shards of scrap metal and rebar as he can, and pulls them with all his might through the 0 pointer, turning into a giant pincusion. He runs out of energy, and just lets himself fall.

Aizawa feels his heart sink bc the kid is smiling.

Ochako saves him at the last moment, and hes miraculously uninjured but so out of energy he can barely stand. Recovery girl hands him gummies which he gratefully accepts and drags himself out of the exam. He meets katsuki by the entrance. He sees his tiny mess of a friend, pale and shakey but smiles and he picks him up and hugs him even though he will deny it till the day he dies. izuku is sure he failed but for one moment, using his quirk? he just felt so complete and free that he doesnt mind if he fails, just because he got to enjoy that one moment. bakugo tells izuku that hes gonna drag him into the hero course by his hair and izuku giggles

They go get food bc they need some relief.

Izuku doesn’t think he's in the heroics department but is hopeful anyway.

he and bakugo spend the week waiting for their letters "studying" for ua (aka, designing hero costumes, coming up with names, planning the fuck out of everything bc they are both crazy nervous and will never admit it)

inko hands izuku his mail and izuku is so nervous because if she looked? its game over but she just smiles happily and tells him to tell her if he got into gen ed. or not so they can invite the bakugo's over to celebrate

izuku walks calmly until his mum is out of sight, then he tears down the hall, stuffs a towel under the door and opens his letter under his blankets so she cant hear it. its allmgiht on the screen and he cries.

and he got in and he cries some more

and then he has a quick panic attack becuase holy shit this is a lot of lies hes going to have to spin because he came first in the entrance exam. his mum asks him if he got in and hes so grateful that his voice doesnt shake when he cries, as he says back "i got into gen. ed mum!!"

He finds out he got in and he starts to panic bc what is he going to tell his mum? Some point later Inko yells at him for just sitting around so he runs out of the house and to a cat café, and hes just sobbing because his face hurts from where she slapped him and he just wants to get out of the rain.

Shinso sees this kid, curses his heroic instincts and pays for 2 hours for him and the mystery kid. He just wanted to wallow in self pity for failing the exam he knew he was going to fail, but now hes got a crying kid to deal with

So turns out the kid is his age and is called Midoriya. As only izuku can do, hes shinso spilling his guts ab the hero course and his quirk in around 20 minutes. Izuku explains a bit about what his mother did to him, and that he got into the hero course but if his mother finds out hes scared shitless of what she'll do.

Shinsou’s family before Aizawa was shit, he gets it. And he sees this cute green-haired sobbing kid gently kiss a fat tabby on the top of its little head and decides he'd die for him.

They plot that they'll change shirts at the start of the day so inko doesn’t see the hero course shirt, and shinso will quickly tell him what they were doing in gen ed on the train home. Shinso does urge izuku to get help but izuku declines. His mother is sick and she's trying her best. She still loves him. Izuku is scared of who his dad is.

And it's not like anyone ever believed his soft, kind-looking mother could hurt her own son.

First day + Quirk Apprehension Test

Inasa is a recommendation student, along with Momo and Todoroki, was placed in Aizawa class bc his quirk is kinda wack.

Class does not contain Hagekure, Mineta is expelled

like, first day of school shinso is waiting down the road for izuku and bakugo is like,,, ha????? and shinso is like "oK So i have the hero course shirt, change behind a tree like a bunch of weirdos or wait for school" and izuku is like,,, “as much as my anxiety wants to change now so we wont be late i think kacchan might murder us if we change behind a tree" and bakugo is like??? "YeaH and WHO ARE YOU EXACTLY"

anyway! they take the bus and shinso explains that the bonded over a chubby tabby and that hes agreed to be izuku alibi and katsuki looks him up and down like ",,, you pass" and izuku giggles and shinso feels happy bc he didnt know the boy could giggle and its such a soft noise

anyway, izuku and shinso sprint into school to find a bathroom to change in, izuku tries not to cry on his hero shirt. they then proceed to speed walk to the correct class bc the other students have shown up and they dont wanna get yelled at. katsuki told izuku he could walk himself to class because "youre a big boy now" and izuku laughs again

izukus anxiety vs trauma is a continuous war bc anxiety says "hide behind friends" but trauma says "dont be weak and pathetic like inko says you are or shes been right the whole time"

izuku gets into class, bakugo is busy trying to scare iida bc iida is Really Getting On His Nerves. iida says hi to izuku and izuku almost cries before iida says that he was sorry for being a dick and then izuku almost cries again but bc hes happy

ochako bursts in like "OH MY GOD THE CUTE ONE GOT IN" and izuku is Red and like (a lil trauma but he shoves that way deep down) and says hi. aizawa crawls in and scares the actual shit out of everyone but izuku finds him super calming? bc hes just so fucking blunt and he doesnt have to look for double meanings

anyway, izuku gets called up to do the throw bc he came first and hearing aizawa say "use your quirk" made a cold sweat run through him but bakugo gave him a thumbs up so he felt a little better. The boy gets a crazy score. izuku gets a great score on all the stuff he can use his quirk for, but hes got terrible stamina/strength bc hes just so thin. hes placing like, first quarter of the class

so they finish, mineta gets kicked out

allmight is watching from behind a bush bc look at his boys go!!! his yelly boy and his crying boy!!. aizawa holds izuku back at the end of class, bakugo doesnt wanna leave him but tenya pushes him to the locker room

"so kid. thats a great quirk youve got there"

and izuku,,, really doesnt like talking about his quirk. he doesn't like using it. he and bakugo drew vines on his hands this morning to cover up the scars and hes tracing his fingers along them to keep himself from shaking.

aizawa looks him dead in the eye

"mind telling me why you are registered as quirkless?"

and izuku freezes. he cant breathe.

aizawa is waiting and his irritation turns to alarm when he realizes the kid i s n t m o v i n g. all might has seen izuku freak out before so he swoops in and sits izuku down on the ground and tries to get the kid to breath. he does but hes still shaking and all he'll stay is "im sorry" and "not again"

aizawa is very much shaken because izuku seemed pretty normal? then he remembered the kid shinso was talking about. allmight calls bakugo who runs back out onto the field, half in uniform and half in costume and hes trying to calm izuku down and he looks like,,, 2 seconds away from ripping aizawa head off and aizawa honestly thinks hes kinda deserves it lmao

its nearing the end of school and izuku isnt even down from his panic attack yet but bakugo n e e d s shinso to get over here so they can swap shirts or izuku is going to be in even more trouble than he already is. so bakugo is trying to get izuku to respond to anything, allmight has his hand on his not sons shoulder, aizawa feels like a piece of shit, and bakugo is trying to find shinso's contact number in izuku's phone

some of class a goes to look outside and aizawa lays into the and tells them to hurry up to class or he'll expell them all with mineta

anyway shinso comes running out bc his teacher is mic and is willing to let him do dumb stuff and shinso is like??? dad its been 1 day what did you do to the cat kiss boy?? shinso allmight and bakugo get izuku responsive enough that bakugo takes him to swap his shirts in the changing rooms and helps izuku clean up so its not obvious he was crying. shinso gets izukus stuff from his classroom. aizawa just turns to all might

“ok so what the fuck was that"

all might honestly shrugs "i barely know myself. kid has serious quirk trauma and is scared of his mother, thats all i can tell you" and aizawa is both concerned and annoyed bc ofcourse thsi si in his class

izuku and bakugo get home, alls good

Battle Trial

battle trial! its,,a ride

basically! izuku has his lil costume and ochako tells him he looks really cute and hes grateful + trauma. bakugo tells him he looks like hes ready to bust some heads which makes him feel better. todoroki is with iida on the villain team

they are chatting happily about have hero families and being melodramatic about being evil

Izuku is paired with inasa!

so izuku cant directly use his quirk on himself, but he can "push" against the ground, which sends him up. its useful for dodging but not sustainable

anyway, they work out that inasa's wind doesnt effect izukus telekinesis

basically:

izuku makes some dust, they roll in, todoroki is out and looking for them. he torches the dust but gets hit by a pebble to the temple. inasa is like, 100% impressed. they wrap todoroki up and inasa says sorry to his half/half bro. todoroki shrugs. bakugo is like, internally cheering and he has the most murderous smile

anyway, iida is melodramatic, inasa looses it laughing bc hes so funny and takes a big ol kick to the face. hes down, probs concussed but iida cant get in to tie him up because he almost gets squished by the currently moving bomb bc its paper mache its light and easy for izuku to pull on

iida decides he should probably take down izuku before anything happens, but at the last moment izuku pushes off the ground, dodging over iida and lightly tapping the bomb

hero team wins!!!

inasa and todoroki are both concussed which is awkward but its all g. izuku gets MVP but iida was a close second. bakugo like, friendly punches izuku in the arm and hes hiding behind bakugo bc people are looking at him but hes very happy

someone says "wow, your quirk is amazing" and hes like,,, "oh there goes my good mood." allmight and bakugo are about to tell this kid to shut the fuck up but get beaten to it by a concussed todoroki of all people

"its not the quirk its how he uses it you overipe melon"

izuku giggles until he cant breathe and bakugo is cackling. concussed todoroki looks so pleased with himsel

bakugo and kiri are teams up and they kick actual ass as the villains. like, crazy good, they take out the heroes and dont even have to let it run over time

because "if we win? we do it right."

izuku is like doing these little happy bounces and inasa is crying bc his partner is so pure

izuku and shinso meet up, change, go home

U.S.J.

Happens like 3 weeks in, not 3 days in. They need time to bond ok. Before the trip we get some general hyjinks.

the next day, its field trip time baby!!!

inasa makes izuku sit with him and todoroki and its a tight fucking fit bc they are sharing 2 seats. inasa has like,,, claimed this boy because he was so soft and izuku has a friend!! and hes very happy. hes like,, a little scared of todoroki but also kinda loves him for the overripe melon comment so

Kurogiri yeets the villains into the usj. allmight is out of time, aizawa runs in like normal. inasa, izuku and tsuyu get sent to the shipwreck zone. they do some cool shit honestly. inasa holds the 3 of them in the air, tsuyu hold the villains together as izuku yeets them into the hull of the ship and seals the hold and hopes the villains dont really care enough to break a hole in the ship. Inasa gets them all to shore

then they get to witness the nomu and izuku sees the punch thrown? and he moves without thinking, using all of his quirk he can to hold to nomus fist back. after he moves, inasa joins in, pushing the nomu back as much as the can. aizawa punches shigiraki and he gets m a d. shigiraki breaks the capture weapon and sends the nomu after tsuyu. inasa, who was closer, pushes her out of the way and takes the hit. its just like, 1 blow? but hes down to the count. aizawa tells tsuyu to take him and run

izuku wants to throw up

aizawa tries to get him to run but the nomu charges again and izuku has to pull aizawa out of the way. all they can do is play keep-away and aizawa is frustrated because no matter the training he has, he can't stand up to this thing. all he can do is rely on izuku's quirk, because the quirk can move faster than a human can. shigiraki gets sick of this, kurogiri uses momentum to send aizawa to the other side of the usj with kiri and Bakugo. they begin to run back to the plaza. izuku is scared, slips up, takes a hit. hes down, with broken ribs and his quirk is nearing overuse

shigiraki sees this kid's broken hands, laughs and makes the nomu crush them again

bakugo blasts in, grabs izuku. todoroki has the nomu trapped in ice, aizawa wraps izukus hands with what he was left of his capture weapon

all might bursts in. he has more of his quirk left bc he hasnt passed it on yet, takes out the nomu and has enough strength to still be standing. shigiraki goes to attack, and izuku basically uses the last of his strength to pull allmight towards him, then he collapses

the other heroes arrive with endeavour! because he was patrolling nearby and got the alert. is his agency in hosu? Yep! do i care? nope hes here to see his son!

aizawa is like, moossttlylyy ok? shigiraki got to his arm and he's got scrapes and sprains from being yeeted around by izuku's quirk but he's pretty ok. inasa has a punctured lung but is stabilized quickly. izukus bones arent fractured? but hes got a pretty bad crush injury to both hands + cracked ribs and low blood sugar. bakugo rides w him back to ua

shinso is there and hes a little panicky bc his dad and bro were in a villain attack. nezu comes into recovery girls office and is like "oh its ok! ive contacted everyone’s parents and they should be here soon" and bakugo is like "YOU DID WHAT"

nezu sweating ",,, what do you mean this is what im ment to do"

and allmight cringes; aizawa, on painkillers, is like, pretty concerned; bakugo is enraged. izuku isnt breathing. hes frozen, crying silently and hes perfectly still and it breaks recovery girls heart

hes got a big bruise of the side of his face, fyi

bakugo doesnt want to leave but recovery girl orders him out, all might gets made to leave as well. soon the only people left are inasa (unconscious) izuku (catatonic) and aizawa (guilty)

inko walks in. shes smiling. she grabs izuku by the hand, "its ok honey, mummy's here now!"and aizawa?? hes trying not to judge but he gets a terrible feeling in the pit of his stomach. inko pulls izuku from the bed by his crushed hand and izuku is silent. she has a hand wrapped around the back of his neck as she leads him out of the school

bakugo is at home and hes begging his mother to let him see izuku bur his mother wont let him because inko has been through something stressful and doesnt need you yelling! and bakugo is angry because shes never believed him about inko. he throws his plate against the wall and looks mitsuki dead in the eyes

"you'll regret that tomorrow. you'll regret that when you see what shes done to him"

his door slams

the day after the usj zuku isnt in school. shinso is waiting at the end of his street but only bakugo shows up. he looks defeated

"lets just go"

shinso spends the whole day in the hero course shirt

aizawa isnt surprized, loads of kids didnt show up to school the day after the usj, even non-hero kids, but then izuku isnt there the next day. bakugo is pacing, tugging at his hair as he waits for aizawa to show up. inasa looks lost, todoroki looks faintly confused, shinso is in the classroom, didnt leave to go to his own because bakugo doesnt know where midoriya is and hes waiting for aizawa

aizawa walks in with the bell. no izuku. his heart sinks. He looks around, and walks straight back out of class, sends mic to cover for him. he tells nezu. nezu has a terrible feeling and asks him and allmight to perform a wellness check. allmight uses his hero form, even though he doesnt have much time to waste, because this isnt a waste

they arrive at inkos house, they knock and she opens the door. shes smiling and asks if they would like to sit down, if they want some tea. there is blood under her fingernails

aizawa aks to use the bathroom, sneaks into midoriyas room. the kid is locked to the bed in the dark and aizawa wants to throw up bc he can smell blood and infection

inko took steel wool and scrubbed "off" every bruise on midoriya's skin to make him "clean" again

every mark

every cut

his hands are, oddly, untouched with their horrible crush marks healed by recovery girl as priority, but the side of his face, his ribs cage, the cuts on his arms and legs and back are raw. no skin, sticky blood dripping onto the sheets. aizawa goes over to izuku and he honestly smells like rotting meat because his room is hot and he has massive open injuries that are super infected. he tries to shake izuku awake and realizes the kid is burning. izuku fliches and is trying to pull away from aizawa, opening cuts and pulling at his wounds. hes so quiet aizawa wants to cry. he gently pats izukus hair and tells him he'll be safe now

hes walks out of the room and throws inko from the couch onto the floor, cuffing her. allmight is shocked, inko is screaming. aizawa cuffs inko to a couch and drags all might into izukus room and all might wants to cry

because, something aizawa hadn't noticed, every single piece of hero merch izuku owned has been ripped from its hiding place and crushed and torn on the floor. all might oh so gently breaks the cuffs holding into down and gently, gently picks him up. he cant stop the tears

izuku lets out the softest "im so sorry sensei" and aizawa has to leave the room. he sucker punches inko, calls nezu and an ambulance. inko is, thank god, unconscious now and the house is so quiet

so quiet aizawa can hear all might crying

mitsuki runs in bc she thinks her tiny friend is getting hurt and she sees her sons teacher sitting with his head between his legs on the floor like hes trying not to cry. he just points and she sees the number 1 hero holding this red and broken boy and she screams. she has to run back out to throw up into the kitchen sink

she calls Katsuki. hes sitting in class, most of the class is pacing or doodling, or chatting. mic doesn't have the heart to try and teach them but he also isn't cleared to tell them whats going on because he doesnt know

bakugos phone rings and the kid tears open his bag. all mistuki says it "im so sorry" and bakugo throws his phone into the wall so hard it shatters

mic like, yells bc a kid just shattered his phone and bakugo leaps over his desk to get to the door. mic grabs him by the collar

"hey listener? what do you think you're doing?"

bakugo is white and clammy

"let go." "listener?" "let. go."

mic drops him and bakugo tears down the hall, he kicks open shinsou's door and hauls him out of the room. midnight tries to stop him but bakugo is basically already off school grounds. shinso doesn't even need to ask, he can guess

they are running as fast as the can, faster than either of them have ever run. they don't even bother with the stairs, bakugo uses his quirk to haul them both up the side. bakugo and shinsou try to run in but aizawa just grabs them and pulls them close, he won't let them pass. aizawa isn't even angry but he won't let go of them, like hes scared someone will hurt another of his students, mitsuki drags Bakugo to her side and just holds him like she used to when he got hurt them he was little. the house is silent other than random crying, sirens in the distance

the ambulance comes and they come to take izuku but all might doesn't want to let go of this kid he's failed so badly, so he gently carries him all the way down and lays him on the stretcher. there is blood caked on his suit jacket

ok so as an fyi? izukus injuries arent terrible but hes missing a lot of skin. still has cracked ribs, has a serious infection and is critically dehydrated from fluid loss due to lost skin, plus the fact he hasn't been given food or water for 2 days

it's not the injuries that are the problem, its the dehydration/fever

1A is shaken. mic is shaken and 20 minutes after bakugo runs out? nezu announces that classes have been cancelled for the day and that students may remain on campus if they have no other way home and mic??? the guy is shaken. his husband is missing, all might left, nemuri says bakugo took shinso too

mic has to tell the class school is cancelled, 1 hour into the day but he can't tell them why because he doesn't know. momo, uraraka and kouda just kinda, start to cry bc they can feel something terrible has happened

todoroki invites everyone over to his house until school would have normally ended. they get over to shoutos house and hes like "so,,, you all wanna know whats happened right?" and he gets a bunch of silent nods. he just kinda, says a preemptive sorry to the pic of his dad on the wall and breaks open his hero office door. 1A is crowded around the computer as shouto, momo and tenya are scanning for anything in alerts and shouto stops and points

"minimal security transport and medical assistance to mustutafu, rapid response requested."

they click on it

Heroes Responding: Eraserhead (underground), All Might Civilian Involvement: 2 Adults (stable, no medical response) 3 Children (2 stable, 1 unknown. medical response requested) Villain: N/A Alert Type: Domestic Violence

tenya has to walk away. so does inasa and todoroki

Endeavour storms in bc "shouto, why did you break into my personal office-" and he sees these kids and they looks broken and his son just clings to him. he feels his heart drop, because he doesnt know whats happened, but its not fucking good

w recovery girl + iv fluids and antibiotics, izuku heals up pretty quick but hes got some big scars. shallow but red and angry looking

school doesnt start again until next Wednesday, 7 days after the usj and the dorms have been built

bakugo and shinso wouldn't leave izuku. like, aizawa threatened to expel Bakugo and he still wouldn't go. when izuku wakes up, his two brothers are holding his hands and he cries because hes alive and they are there

so, dorms

everyone swarms izuku bc that's the soft man who they love who saved them in the usj and also they thought he was dead for a hot minute and izuku is crying and there are hugs. aizawa is very fond of his dumb children and they train for the sports festival

U.A. Sports Festival

Events

Event 1 : Battle Royal

so like, battle royal w a shrinking perimeter. 3 hits and you’re out. A hit is contact with another person, thrown object or quirk.

they all wear like these rly uncomfortable body suits that register touches anywhere bc nezu is a nightmare. they all fucking hate these things and nezu is cackling be he had them made but no one would let him use them

during the event, bakugo yells "MAKE IT THROUGH AND SHOW THOSE CHUCKLE FUCKS WHAT 1A IS MADE OF” a resounding yell of “FUCK YEAH” echos through the examinees

no matter what nezu does, not a single member of 1A lands a hit on another. like, bakugo trips and izuku uses his quirk to get him out of the range f kirishima

all of 1A makes it through. all of them. every single one, followed by half of 1B, plus 10ish mixed gen ed and support kids

gen ed, absolutely disgusted: “it’s clear ua favours 1a”

inasa, outraged and very loud: “sAY THAT TO MY FACe”

please, during the fight izuku goes to throw a punch at the person in front of him, they turn around and all he can see its purple hair and eyes and he cant. he uses his quirk to push himself away from shinso

izuku like,,, takes out most of the people bc he yeets people at eachother. he and inasa protect everyon from 1A! todoroki and bakugou team up, double the fire power. ochako is sad bc she cant help bc she cant touch her class mates so she yeets rocks at people. sato / kiri / bakugo make a sit tone of rubble for her, inasa makes a wind vortex above 1A, then she drops it. thats how they take out almost everyone

Event 2: Blind Tag

after the event their costumes light up. half red, half white. the anouncment is just "red is it. if you are still it in 10 minutes you dont move on. good luck" the area turns pitch b l a c k. all natural light is gone so all you can see is the glowing suits (the audience can see bc they have heat cams) and cementoss adds some varying terrain.

-        not gonna lie? it wasnt going to be blind tag but nezu didnt want the last fight to be just 1A

izuku is it he tags someone then avoids being tagged again

inasa is not it. he floats in a corner for like, the whole game but gets hit by ibara near the end

bakugo and todoroki are both not it and team up to make a firey circle of hell, they make it through

shinso does too and hes a really cool fight that no one but him and the audience get to see. he ends up choking this guy out, tags him and sprints away

Event 3: Tournament

momo/monoma, shinso/shoji, tsuyu/kendo, jiro/kuroiro, todoroki/hatsume, iida/awase, bakugo/kirishima, izuku/ochako

momo/iida, todoroki/shinso, izuku/tsuyu, bakugo/jiro

iida/izuku, shinso/bakugo

bakugo/izuku > Izuku wins

Vs. Hero Killer

Interns with Nighteye and Mirio as they do special training w gran. Working with Endeavours agency to find herokiller. Nomu attack, Nighteye tells Mirio to get Izuku to safety, Izuku tells Mirio ab. Iida. Another Nomu corners them, after internal deliberation Mirio tells izuku to go after Iida. Finds Iida, sends location.

Two Heroes

For one, Mirio and Nighteye are there, along with Izuku.

Forest Training Camp

They take Izuku too, because he was holding Bakugo's hand

Nighteye asks to see Allmight's future and allmight declines. Hes going to do it no matter what the future says, and he refuses to set it in stone by seeing it

Mirio is part of the rescue squad, 50% bc he's the one who will take the fall for the whole thing with his license. Besides, he knows about All for One, and it's his duty as a wielder of One for All to at least try to help his mentor.

"I mean, I could have just taken the boy's arm. But those nasty scars tell me hes very much seen the worst humanity has to offer. Perhaps he'd like to join as well."

[shadedrose01]

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good Turned Very Good Day

Ship: Parkner (Harley Keener/Peter Parker)

Summary: Harley has a bad day, then Peter promposes to him.

Tags: Febufluff, Day 11, proposal, Promposals, light angst, Light Angst, Harley is sad at the beginning, But he gets happy so its okay, Fluff, SO MUCH FLUFF, sweet and cute, Cute, Sweet, short and sweet, Im pretty proud of this one, Even though its short, Mutual Pining, Gay Harley Keener, Bisexual Peter Parker, Boys In Love

Day eleven of Febufluff: "Proposal"!

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Harley puffs out a long sigh, dragging his feet to his locker. It has been one of the worst days Harley could remember having. He woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and late, so he had to rush to school. He hadnt eaten breakfast because of the aforementioned lateness, so he was starving by lunch time. He realized that he had forgotten to pack a lunch, so he had to buy the cafeterias terrible, cardboard tasting food. He bombed a literature test that he had studied for for days, and he had almost failed a math test on top of that. AND, as if that wasn't bad enough, he noticed that his friends were acting... weird around him all day. They would be talking in their little group, but as soon as he approached them, they'd stop and act like they weren't doing anything. MJ was constantly whispering things to Ned, and Ned to Peter, and they almost seemed like they were avoiding him at times, ducking out of the way as soon as he tried to approach them. He wasn't going to lie, it hurt like a bitch, and he was the entire day wondering what he had done wrong, thinking about the hushed conversations and immediately drawing assumptions. I mean, they had to be talking about him, why would they stop whenever he was around if they weren't?

Peter was the worst of the bunch, and that made Harleys heart ache even more. He was acting jittery all day, nervous, picking at his clothes and his nails, being extra jumpy, and stumbling and stuttering over his words like he used to when they first became friends, almost two years ago. Harley thought they had moved past that awkward stage, had grown and become so much closer in the past two years, especially in the past few months where guys thoughts of Peter went from 'best friend' to more. But Harley must've thought wrong. And it sucks.

So yeah, a terrible, awful day. The only thing keeping him going was that it was friday, and now, that it was the end of this day, so he could go home and not have to deal with any of this shit anymore (minus the fact that he has a mountain of homework to do, but he couldn't handle to even think about that right now, so he doesn't). He puts in his combination, and tries to open the locker, but the lock doesn't budge. Of course, even his locker would fight him today. He just wants to go home. He redoes the combination again, slower, and it opens (thank god). He goes to put his last classes books away when he catches glimpse of a bright pink stick note attached to the inside of his locker door.

'meet us at the chem lab, loser -MJ'

Harley grits his teeth, feeling a flash of irritation swirl in his stomach. What kind of sick joke is this, to avoid him and talk behind his back all day, only to try and meet up with him now?? But the feeling soon disappears, drowning in the pit of despair Harley's found himself in all day, and Harley finds himself shutting his locker, making his way to the specified lab. Because why not, really? What else could go wrong?

Harley doesn't know what he is expected when he pushes the heavy door open, but it sure as hell wasn't this. Right in the middle of the room, stood directly in front of Harley is Peter, Ned and MJ stood on either side of him in some sort of open triangle formation, all three of them wearing the lab safety gear, lab coats, big, goofy goggles, gloves and all. But the thing, the person that catches Harley's attention right away is Peter, it's always Peter, but more specifically, the bouquet of roses in Peter's arms, the shy, anxious smile on his face, and the poster clutched in his other hand. Harley's reads the words on the big page ('I hope you don't react badly, but I think we have some great Chemistry together. Prom?') and immediately bursts into tears.

Peter's eyes widen in fear, but before he can panic too much, Harley launches into Peter's arms, hugging him tightly as he sobs loud, ugly sounds. Peter embraces him just as tightly, the poster and flowers getting in the way and making it slightly awkward, before coughing slightly. "I-uh- I had- have a speech but uh, I just- are you okay??"

He sounds so worried, and Harley cant help but to laugh loudly, pulling away with the biggest smile on his face, even as tears run down his face. "I'm perfect." He whispers shakily, sniffling and wiping away the snot that starts to run from his nose with his sleeve. "Tell me? Please?"

Peter smiles back lightly, still noticeably worried but mostly relieved, before clearing his throat, his fingers twitching nervously. "Harley Keener, you have been my best friend for two years, 5 months, 13 days aaaand," he squints at the wall over Harleys shoulder. "6 hours ish, but who's keeping count, right?" Harley chuckles a little at that, ignore the tears that are still pooling at his chin and dripping onto his shirt. "And those two years have been some of the best in my life. And lately, I feel like our friendship has grown and evolved into something- something better, something..."

"More." Harkey finished for him, and Peter's doe eyes light up, his lips tilting up higher.

"Yeah, more." He whispers, something looking like hope growing behind his pupils, behind his irises. "So, uh, I was wondering if you maybe not only wanted to go to prom with me, but maybe wanted to go as... my boyfriend?"

Harley feels himself brighten at the words, feels his chest loosen and his heart soar, his body glowing and tingling, and he sobs again, choking out a firm "yes, yes!" before hugging him again, burying his face into Peter's shoulder, the wetness on his face soaking into collar of the lab coat. But its okay, because he can feel Peter's wide grin buried into his neck. He hears his two friend cheering around them, Ned shouting out "I'm so posting that online!" and MJ stating "Finally, you two idiots wont be pining after each other anymore."

Harley just laughs again, and pulls Peter, his prom date, his boyfriend closer, any memory of his bad day fading into oblivion.

[justhcldon]

the jennie effect

Genre: angst

Pairing: Fem!Reader x jennie

Word Count: 1.3k

scenario: “you know, there was a time i would’ve died for you.”

a/n: fair warning, i’m not proud of the quality of this )): and i do apologize about the back and forth of first and third person. i will work on that for future writings and will do it to your guys’ preference

“you make it painfully obvious.” you heard your friend jisoo say from the other side of the table of where you two were sitting. “are you still waiting for her?” she sighed, stirring her drink with the straw that was sitting in it. “no, i’m over it.” you sat back, letting you phone rest on the table, though, you still looked at the screen waiting for something to come up. “it’s been two month y/n.. i think it’s time to get over it. after all she did to you..” she trailed off looking at you, a small frown on her face. she was obviously a very concerned friend, she never really liked jennie in the first place as she was a renowned player. “jisoo, please. stop talking about her. i said what i said, i’m over it and her.” you lied.

jisoo nodded, her frown remained as she looked down at her own phone. “do you maybe want to come over to my place tonight?” she looked back up at you hopefully, though your eyes still stayed on the phone, as if you were burning holes through it. “it’s been lonely without lisa, she’s in thailand until friday and honestly, your unhealthy obsession concerns me.” her stern voice pulled you out of your little trance. “there’s no obsession.” you pulled your phone into your lap. “yeah, no. i didn’t know she was away. but i think i’ll be able to.” you nodded, biting down on your bottom lip. jisoo frown finally turned into her usually bright smile. she half wanted to stage an intervention for you and half wanted to make sure that you didn’t do anything stupid like cry for the millionth time of your ex jennie.

she knew it was going to be impossible though, she had never seen you so hung up on a girl ever since you met. though, notoriously, the jennie effect had taken over the hearts of those who had the pleasure of dating her, that of course if they truly loved her and not just for her money or good looks.  

“y/n, promise me one thing while you’re here. please don’t do you know what.” jisoo basically begged as you both walked into the front door of her apartment. “what?” you asked, completely oblivious. “... yeah you’re right. give me your phone.” jisoo sternly asked holding her hand out. “wait -- i promise i wont do it.” you begged as if you were a child, but you are indeed, a full grown adult. “relax, i’ll put mine away too. like a detox.” she shrugged, her shoulders, “i heard those were good for you.” you pouted and handed her your phone.

actually, jisoo was right. it was nice going through most of the night not craving to see her. jennie... how can i forget her. she’s not like everyone says she is.. she’s one of the most caring people in the world. the only girl that could make your heart skip a beat. she was -- she was perfect. until she...

you felt tears threaten to fall from your eyes. jisoo was fast asleep so you didn’t stop them. it felt nice to let it all out, though, for all the wrong reasons. you trembled as you clutched onto the blanket that was lisa’s that jisoo let you borrow. ‘jennie why? you said you loved me, why would you leave me?’ you thought, gentle sobs coming from you mouth, gentle enough for jisoo not to hear? we can only hope so.

it was to the point where you got angry of the thought of it. it was all confusing to you. all the romantic moments, all the times she said it was you and only you. all the times she said she was going to change ... gone.

you finally made it to dawn, the sun now slowly rising up in the horizon. that’s all you needed, you finally passed out.

“wake up !!” you felt a pillow roughly thrown at your face and you shot up in your spot. “how late were you up last night ?? i swear it took me 10 minutes just to wake you up.” jisoo hovered over you, her eyebrows raised slightly. “listen, i had the random energy boost to wake up and make breakfast, or else, i would be there with you. you should be at least a little thankful.” she smiled and you couldn’t help but return it.

all in all, you were very thankful for jisoo, although, she is the type to either be overprotective or pretend she doesn’t care, she was always there for you and that’s what you appreciated most about her. she was the only one who could successfully take your mind off of -- “what are you thinking about ??” jisoo interrupted your thought before shoving more food into her mouth in which you couldn’t help but laugh at her. “nothing, when we’re done i think i’m going to head home, i have stuff to do.” you shrugged and jisoo nodded understandably.

it didn’t take long for you to get home, jisoo offered to drive you since she was the one you picked you up yesterday but you politely declined. you argued that walking was healthier anyways, plus, you needed the time to clear your thoughts. the moment you walked into your apartment you were already tired.   

you took your phone once more out of your pocket, looking for any little sign of hope, but of course, it wasn’t coming. jennie wouldn’t do that. she’s moved on didn’t she? how come i can’t? you anger started to build up again. the anger quickly turned into sadness and the sadness turned into numbness. 

next thing you new you were on your way down the road, in the nearest convenience store, you just wanted to get lost somewhere perhaps. find someone nice, finally move on from the girl that changed and ruined your life. 

it was all a good plan until -- “oh my god, i’m so sorry.” you quickly say as you collided into a stranger, “no it’s okay, i wasn’t looking at where i was going.” that voice -- it was oddly familiar. the both of you looked up, eyes meeting. in that moment you swear you felt your eyes burning holes into her skull. “jennie.” you took a deep and shaky breath. the girl who broke your heart two months ago. jennie let a sigh fall from her parted lips. “y/n.. long time no see huh?” she her face again just made you want to lash out on her but everything was holding you back right now. “can we talk?” you asked, quickly regretting your words as you didn’t want to know what she had to say about you. “y/n, i don’t think it’s a good idea.” jennie said, if you were being honest she looked sad, though, who knew if she actually held that emotion. “it will only take a second.” you continued on, not sure why you were doing this, you already accepted defeat and embarrassment. jennie nodded, taking you to the side.

“please just tell me why.” at this point you were acting on your emotions at this point. you needed answers. just once. “i knew it.” jennie looked down, she couldn’t meet your eyes. “just say it. you said you loved me. you lied ?? just admit it.” you said shaking. “i could never lie to you, y/n. i loved you. i loved you a lot. you know, there was a time i would’ve died for you. but you knew going into that relationship that we wouldn’t last. did i want to change for you? yes. but we both knew it was never going to happen. i saved you the time a trouble. you can’t handle me for the rest of your life. i did you a favor. you deserve to be happy. i’m not able to do that for you.” jennie let out a shaky breath. “i’m sorry, y/n.” you couldn’t say anything, you just nodded. she started to turn and walk away, she looked at you one last time before walking out the door. 

jennie kim.

[cinnamonrollstark]

Irondad Bingo: Trope: Sick Fic

@irondadbingo

□□□

Your toothbrush is the red one. Damn thing has your name on it- you've got no excuse to forget. The bathroom is twenty-two steps from the bedroom, and a sharp left turn away. It shouldn't be that hard.

But somehow, it is. If it weren't, Tony wouldn't get cavities in the back of his mouth, or piss his pants in search of the toilet. This is meant to be a natural occurence, and it likely would've afflicted his father were he to have lived long enough, and yet, it feels like an intrusion on his life, a bomb dropped for absolutely no reason other than to throw him off course.

If it were as easy as simply reminding himself of these things day to day, then Pepper wouldn't have to find him in the hall, confused and frustrated, and scared because he doesn't know which way to turn next. She wouldn't have to brush his hair or remind him to wash it when it gets oily. But she does. And that is how it goes.

Dementia robs him of most luxuries. It was always Tony's longtime goal to find happiness one day, and as soon as he'd found it, the rug had been ripped from underfoot, and he'd landed in an abyss, with no direction, no map, and no way to get out again.

And yet, some days, the confusion clears. He is lucid, happy. These days are getting rarer as of late, few and far between, but when they occur, he never takes them for granted. He steals lucid moments of sunlight, wind combing through his slowly graying hair. He hugs his daughter, who grows with such rapid force that he's entirely sure he's missed years of her life in between the clarity. He stands at the bank of the lake, toes dipped in the water, letting sand tickle the soles of his feet. He takes these moments in as deeply as he can, as often as he can.

Today is no different. It's been three months since he was last completely lucid, and lately his ability to walk and talk as he once normally did is fading. It's somewhat early in the summer, about a week into June. Crisp light filters in through scattered windows in the lake house, framing Tony's figure as he looks out the window. The day has been slowly slipping through his fingers, and he knows what's coming. For all the planning and paperwork they've put into this, it's far harder to come to terms with as it actually happens.

Slim arms weave through his own, his hands in his pockets, and wrap around his waist. Pepper, the familiar scent of her perfume. Her breath elevates his chest against her own, her chin on his shoulder. "What're you doing?" She asks, swaying a bit against his body.

Tony lets out a soft exhale and turns to face her, returning the embrace. "Just thinking," he admits, not quite able to look directly at her. "Not gonna lie, Pep," he clears his throat, "I'm scared."

Pepper runs a soft hand across his hair and smiles with tears in her eyes. "I know," she swallows, and the pain in her voice is evident, "but you know it's going to be okay."

This is a quiet, loving lie. They tell this to themselves to feel better about what will happen later tonight, what they've been expecting for months now. They are settled in their decision, of course, but are nowhere near happy about it.

Morgan is not quite old enough to understand it in its entirety; at eight, she is obviously intelligent, but the rapid decline of her father's health was beyond her comprehension in its earliest stages, and now, as it is coming to an end, she is more so confused about what will happen after than why it is happening at all.

Many long talks with her, mostly on Pepper's end, as Tony is often unable to get a clear point across, have lead her to a stable acceptance of the subject.

Peter, on the other hand, has been so against the idea from the beginning that Tony's been fearing the worst- that he wont show up at all. He's 19, now, taking a gap year between high school and college. Other than lower-level villain defense, Peter isn't up to much at the moment, and his freedom to participate in the last clear days of Tony's life makes his absence all the more painful.

◇◇◇

Pepper's fingers lather shampoo through Tony's dark hair. She plants kisses on his soapy, wet cheeks, and cries as calmly as she can. It's moments like this, moments when he's aware and lucid that she misses him all the more. Every good moment has felt like the last in recent months, and now that is truly how it is.

It feels odd getting dressed for the last time- casual, comfortable, but something other than his standard pajamas- and his wife helps him pick out his last pair of clothes. He's gotten quite skinny, still muscular, but much smaller. Her arms fir around his waist so easily that her wrists overlap. She whispers that she loves him into his neck, and he tells her he loves her right back.

Tony pays a visit to Morgan's room soon before the doctor arrives. His daughter is sitting on her bed, eyes locked outside the window. She hugs a stuffed animal to her chest.

"Hey Maguna." He sits on the edge of the bed with her, and she glances warily at him. "You doin' okay?"

He runs a hand over her soft but messy hair. Her lips pout out in the way that they do when she's about to cry, and he kisses her cheek as the tears spill over. She doesn't sob or wail; it is resigned mourning.

"I just don't get why- if you're okay right now- why you have to go."

Tony takes in a deep breath. He had a feeling this question would come, as it is a perfectly natural reaction. He swallows the lump in his throat and hugs her from the side.

"Its because I'm okay right now that I know it's time to go. Thing is, kiddo, that things haven't been so easy for me lately. Things that everyone else can do without even thinking. And I don't always get to look at you, and see you for you."

He has to pause in order to not break down- six months ago, he forgot who she was. Simply didn't understand why this stranger of a child was in his house. It hadn't made sense to him when she'd burst into tears, and why he'd followed suit, as if some part of him knew what a self-betrayal it was to forget his own daughter.

"And I always want to look at you, and know you. And know your mom. And your big brother. I don't lose those things because I want to; it's just not in my control. But this is."

Morgan nods, a tear slipping from her cheek and over her lip. "I know," she admits. "I just wish you could stay."

◇◇◇

They eat dinner as a family, waiting in anxiousness for the arrival of Doctor Kleptach. Three chairs filled, and four spaces set for the meal. There is an emptiness that has yet to be filled, and it certainly isn't meant for the doctor.

Pepper keeps catching Tony's eyes, trying to reassure him that Peter will be coming, there is no way he'd miss this, but Tony isn't so sure. It feels as if Peter has completely separated himself from the family, as if he's rejected this new reality. Tony can't blame him; the last time the kid saw him, he was lost in the hall, wetting himself because he couldn't locate the bathroom in time. It must have terrified him, or at the very least, grossed him out.

It's coming down to the last twenty minutes before the doctor arrives, and Tony is certain that he wont be seeing Peter again until... well, until the time comes.

But there's a timid knock at the door, a catch of breath in each person's chest- and a tidal wave of fear that the doctor has arrived early. It's Tony who stands and makes his way to front of the house weakly, terrified that this means his time has been cut short. The doorknob turns, the door slides open-

And he's there. Peter launches himself into Tony's arms and he holds him there for a moment, hugging around him tightly. Tony tries not to focus on the way that Peter is quietly sobbing against his chest. When he finally let's go, Tony sees it in his eyes- this willingness to fight his own disagreement for the betterment of everyone else.

It's when he sees Peter standing there, red-eyed and tear stained, that he knows he can't go through with this. As much as it may have felt right, once, Tony still has a family. And though he falls apart, so often, now, he still has his good days.

He pulls him in, again, another embrace, and no longer for the last time. There will be many to come, and many to remember, even as he slowly loses those recollections, and moments in time that seemly do not exist any more. He is here, breathing and living right now.

When he turns to see his family, who stand awkwardly by the table, emotionally weary, he nods- and Pepper seems to understand, a slow-spreading smile on her cheeks. "Really?" She asks, breathless.

Tony grips Peter around the shoulders and smiles. "Really."

◇◇◇

Over the course of Tony's last years, he still lives out his good days. Most times he can be found, sitting on the patio of the lake house, across the table from his wife, trying his best to play stuffed animals with his daughter, or telling the few old stories he remembers again and again and again to the boy he is so thankful to call a son.

He does not always remember their faces, but they will always remember his, and that is enough.

[philoseokphy]

six degrees of separation ✻ lwt

louis tomlinson x reader x 18

hey! i’m the sender of this :

and the number stands for...

so since you picked number 18, i made this fic for you!

Hope you enjoy this imagines. WARNING : English is NOT my first language, so sorry for any grammar mistakes.

note : ____ means YOUR NAME

hope u like it! enjoy, and stay at home, folks!

you’ve read the books, you’ve watched the shows

what’s the best way no one knows yea

meditate, hypnotized

anything to take it from your mind 

Louis stared at your statue. He objected every inch of your skin, your gorgeous hair—it captured your face well. And your tricky dazzling eyes, Louis always trapped on your gaze everytime he looked up at you. Your brown piercings always pulling him close and it managed to make Louis feel embraced and appreciated somehow.

Your skin, your nose, your lips…—Louis didn’t even know where to start. They are flawless. The way you handle them, are affecting. Like, when you feel the rush adjusting on your body, or when you feel every eyes are scanning your posture—you’ll bit your lower lip and hang your head down low. And…what a coincidence, now you were choosing a book on this quiet library, and there you go, you bit your lower lip with your iconic furrowed brows.

Louis walked casually to your sculpture. You still didn’t notice him at first because your eyes were glued to the fancy old-fashioned book. The older man furrowed his eyebrows ridiculously, “Are you serious, ____?”

“Shit!” You cursed and jumped slightly. You quickly looked at the innocent man. You groaned, “Do you always have to scare me like this, Louis?” The fingers of yours finally opened the cover first and the first thing you saw were the yellowish blemishes plastered randomly on the old paper. You took the book closer to your sense of smell and you nodded merely, “This smells nice,”

Louis threw a laugh, “That’s psychotic to do,” He commented. You rolled your eyes, “Now, what are you going to tell me?” 

Louis took a deep breath, “Nothing! Well, I just saw you…” He took away the book from your hands, scanning it curiously, “Oh my, ____. I know what you are doing.”

You widened your eyes and snapped back your book, “What?” Your tone risen. He chuckled, carefully leaning back to the shelf, “The Wisdom of a Broken Heart? Really, ___? This is a classic cliché! I don’t even have to guess why you read this!” He laughed kind of making your cheeks flushed in shyness. You ignored him and turned away, sat down on the reading corner. Louis followed you to the seat and flew himself to the comfy seat, “Ah! Nice, now where were we?” He squinted at your nervous face. You rolled your eyes.

Louis smirked when he knew he stole the tongue from the pretty lips of yours. You closed the book harshly, “I read this because it’s a classic cliché! Satisfied, Mr. Tomlinson?” You asked sarcastically. It caused Louis to burst in a laugh. His eyes were squinting to formed a beautiful eye smile and the skin circling the eye were crumbling. You were mesmerized by this beautiful human, but you shoo the thoughts away. And hide those emotions onto a bored haze.

He stopped laughing. “I know what are your motives are, ____. Be careful,” He winked playfully. You rolled your pair of eyes for the third times, “Seriously, drop it now. You’re taking a long time to spill,” You smirked. He nodded excitedly, “Well. . . Zayn Malik.”

The name of the one who had your heart wrapped around his fingers, made your chest echoed with the sound of your heart clanking. It was very…magical. The feelings of him lingers and it scared you. To death. 

The aura of your eyes changing was impulsive. Louis pulled his lips merely, “Listen,____. I know you are trying to put things on and off, make him go away,” He hesitated before continuing, “But your steps, from moving on, is clearly wrong. It won’t go.” 

“How do you know?” You slashed his words. Challenging your eyes to met his beautiful pairs, you shrugged, “I didn’t even want to try! Louis, let it go, okay?” You pleaded. Louis shook his head.

you had the drink, you take a toke

‬‪watch the past go up in smoke‬

‪you fake a smile, ya, lie and say

‬‪you’re better now than ever and your life's okay‬

“Hey, hey, hey,…you read that,” He pointed at your book. You covered the cover with your hands. He chuckled, “And don’t tell me you didn’t watch those chick flick movies…Legally Blonde? You are really trying, ____.” He winked again. You groaned, “Stop it!” You protested.

“You’re doing all these things of desperation,” Louis calmly said, “You’re going through six degrees of separation.”

He smiled before he stood up and left you with your brows furrowed, and question mark all over your mind.

‪But it's not, no‬

—

The watch on Louis’s desk was showing 01:32 AM with its green light. Louis groaned, yelled on his heart. Who the hell knocked his door at this very early dawn? Lazily and sloppily, he walked towards his apartment door. With a mumble of cursing words and blabbered, he opened the door.

Before he got to yell at the person standing in front of the door, his energy quickly recharged. Oh My God. You with your ugly pajamas and a jacket? You with your crying face? You pushed him out of the way and slowly threw yourself on the couch. Louis is still on his shock position, still holding the knop and totally lose. “Are you okay?” Finally he said a sentence.

You shook your head, “I’m very not okay.” Your stare as blank as a new canvas. The different is, your stare was black and blank and dark. “This is the worst stage of my life,” You muttered.

first, you think the worst is a broken heart

Louis positioned himself beside you very carefully. He sighed, “What’s going on?” You let your lips pulled just an inch. Then a tear fell down to your face, hanging nicely through your chin and finally dropped to your lap. It’s the beginning of everything. Because in a second, you were bursting into a loud cry.

“Am I ugly?” You asked without hesitation. Louis flinched, “What? No!” His brows furrowed angrily. “Who said that?” He spat with upset confusion.

You chuckled sarcastically, “Then I’m stupid?” Your eyes wont stop producing the tears. Louis coughed, “Yes you are if you are crying over some nonsense like this. What happened?”

The trembling hands of yours covered your wet face, “Why he left me, Louis? Am I not good enough for him?”

Those question hit Louis like a sledgehammer. Your words, broke Louis’s heart in 99 pieces. Louis took a very deep breath. Why? Why couldn’t you see that you are this beautiful? And imagining things like you doesn’t feel comfortable in your own skin really suffocating him.

“_____, listen—“

“He’s a death of me,” You muttered under your breath. You laid your head and facing the ceiling. A sob never stop playing from your lips. “I love him way too much—I never dream this would happen. I wont let go of him.” You cried again. Now softer than before, but the effects applied the same to the man sat next to you.

And you’re the death of me,_____. Louis only had the courage to said that to himself. 

what’s gonna kill you is the second part

“Louis…I just,” You hesitated. Chewing the wall inside your mouth, closed your eyes. “Why he could do such thing? He literally splitted my world in a blink of an eye!” You spat out, now your eyes were opened with anger. And disappointment. And selfishness. Louis took a deep breath, he let you to rant out and let every weight on your shoulders to fell down.

and the third, is when your world splits down the middle

When Louis heard you just controlled your breath, he pulled you closer. He placed his arm around you and tapped your side calmly, and very carefully. Like you were made of glass, he smiled, “You’re going to past this.” That is only a sentence on the surface. There’s a lot he was going to say under the surface.

—

After that night. A month has passed.

You looked so much healthier and happier, to be honest? But not in the same way as you did before. 

Like everything pushed and forced you to smile, laugh, and did things casually. But actually, there’s a thunderstorms ruining your head. And you can only let it show in front of the mirror. And maybe the wet pillow of yours witnessed your mental health. And your sad songs playlist, one of the witnesses too. And don’t forget…the only breathing thing who witnessed your control of yourself. Louis. You didn’t have to show him, he saw it. Don’t know, maybe the third eye of him. The inside one, or maybe because he was your best friend…or maybe something else. Whenever you were zoomed out in a conversation, he would rubbed your hand to assure everything’s okay. That’s a little thing, means the world to you.

Louis always told you, “Don’t push yourself too hard. You are allowed to be sad, everyone understands.” And you would smile, “I am truly okay, Louis.”

And tonight, after a dinner with your group, Louis drove you home and he gave you a mini speech, “You fake everything! It’s not natural, it’s not healthy. You are allowed to be sad, once again. You don’t have to come to a gathering if you don’t want to,” Louis said as he controlled the wheel. 

“Louis, I want to gather with you guys, don’t act silly,” You replied casually. Louis laughed. A sarcastic laugh, and ironically. “Please, you were there for…I don’t know? 5 minutes?” 

You took a deep breath, “Fine. I’m trying. But really, I fixed myself. Nothing is a problem for me, not again.” Your fingers intertwined nervously into each other. Louis looked at you deeply, trying to connected the soft lights from his eyes to yours before saying, “You can lie to everyone, but at least be honest with yourself.”

Your breath stopped for a while. His words choked you up.

and fourth, you’re gonna think that you fixed yourself

—

And it happened again.

The difference, tonight or can I say today? 2:23 am you showed your slump body in front of Louis apartment. Again. And today’s cause was...Zayn finally dated a new woman.

Her name was Chloe, and she was so beautiful it stabbed you with a truth that everything on you had nothing on her. Her golden hair was every girl’s dream. Her shiny grey eyes were beautiful. And her body was a hourglass. She was every single soul’s crush. Including you.

And when you saw them from your social media, it hurts you because they went to every restaurant you went to with him. Did every activities like you did with him. It was almost like…he dated you, in another better posture and soul.

Her soul wasn’t a mess like yours. You smiled in irony everytime you saw Chloe. Their happiness really contagious to everyone. Not you, of course. Everyone shipped them, saying that they were perfect for each other. And it killed you again, am I not perfect for him? That’s why he broke up with me? You bit your lip. Weren’t we perfect? Right. We had tons of flaws. Actually, I’m the flaw. Your eyes were blurry.

Your thoughts, it was a monster. It swallowed every positive thing on your mind. 

fifth, you see them out with someone else

“I can’t do this anymore, Louis.” You sobbed. Eyes were very swollen. And tears were a mess, Louis rubbed your back, “Relax, okay? You’ll be okay—“

“When?” You spat. Cutting his words in a second and dared to meet his eyes. Louis hesitated, “Someday. I bet you. I guarantee everything on that, trust me. Trust yourself—“

“Fuck it. Fuck my life.” Your harsh words shocking Louis. He widened his eyes, “No! Don’t say things like that!”

“What? Now I’m not allowed to express my life in a sentence?” You shrugged, stood up and opened Louis’s fridge. Louis shut his mouth, but focusing on your hand reaching the cold bottle of beer. You took it out, facing the cold glass to the warm air outside the chilly fridge. You poured some to the glass. 

You stared at the glass for a second before you brought them to your mouth. And whispered darkly.

“I’m fucked, Louis. There’s no way out there,” Your sad dark smile was another stab to Louis’s heart. Before you drank all the liquid, and every bitter truths inside the particles.

Oh, how Louis wished he had the courage to hugged you, embraced you. Took you to all the bright places, whispered “Everything’s gonna be okay. I’ll always be here.” And kissed the top of your head every day and night.

and the sixth, is when you admit you may have fucked up a little But for this time, you weren’t the only one who fucked up.

The man who watched you swallowed his beer was agreeing, silently. -------

I KNOW THIS IS VERY MESSY AND UGLY I HOPE SOMEONE READS THIS IDK HOPE U LIKE IT 

[rogerlad]

The City of Rose & Sun: Part Five

A/N: Okay you guys. She’s long. But the overwhelming support I have gotten for this particular writing is honestly tear jerking. I just started doing this for fun and it’s turned into something so many of you love and appreciate. Thank you, so so much. Part Five is dedicated to everyone who has liked, re-posted, commented, and messaged me with support. Now, here we go.

The City of Rose & Sun: Part Five

You braced yourself as the autumn air nipped at your cheeks, hustling down the cobblestoned path. You kept rhythm as your new converse shoes slapped the pavement. You found yourself humming a Buddy Holly tune as your turned up the lane. You had only walked past a few houses, but already you could feel your nose was about to run. You walked up three steps, and knocked on the red door in front of you.

“Oh, Rosanna!” Mrs. May exclaimed, swinging open the door. ‘Come on in child, you must be froze half to death. Oh, don’t mind the noise, they’re in the cellar.” You knew your way through the house, and after neatly setting your shoes aside, you let your ears lead the way. It was an awful ruckus.

“Rose, you’re here, finally!” Brian said, setting his red guitar aside. You smiled at him, before taking a seat on the old couch, the one Mrs. May refused to have sitting in her parlour any longer. 

“Alright lads from the top.” Brian directed. He had wanted you to come over, and listen to their new music. You had heard them play before, but since a record deal might have been in the making, Brian wanted an honest opinion. They we’re quite good actually, and you found yourself tapping along to the beat. Roger smiled as you, as he caught your foot bouncing in sync with his drums. It was the first time he had ever smiled at you like that. Like he was the sun.

After the boys stopped playing you clapped your hands, gaining an approving look from John, and a bow from Freddie.

“So, you liked it?” Brian said grabbing your hands, and pulling you from the couch.

“Oh I loved it!” You exclaimed. They all smiled, very happy to have seen that you loved their work. Brian quickly excused himself to grab celebratory beers for everyone, John went with him to help. Roger pulled a cigarette from behind his ear, and lit up. How on God’s holy earth did he make that look so hot. You thought to yourself. He winked at you, as he caught you starring. You looked away quickly, blushing. When you turned back he was standing next to you now, gently tucking a blonde strand of hair behind your ear.

“You look very pretty today Rosie.” He whispered, you could hear Freddie snort from the other side of the room. You were so enwrapped in his presence you hadn’t taken notice of Brian and John’s return down the stairs, until Brian coughed loudly at the beautiful man in front of you.

“Rose, dear, I think there’s a bag of crisps up stairs, would you mind?” Brian asked you, you nodded your head more than happy to oblige. You made it to the top of the stairs when you over heard your mop headed friend.

“Taylor, you make a pass at her again, and I will have a new drummer in this band before you know it. She is off limits. I will not be her shoulder to cry on when you break her heart.” He said sternly. His words shocked you. Brian had always been protective of you, but never, ever, like this.

“Fine man, I’ve got plenty other tail to chase.” Roger replied, and you scowled. Typical Roger. Like anything would ever happen between the two of you any how.

“Nice Shoes.”

His words were sharp as ice, and they cut deep into you. You felt physically ill, but you didn’t want to show anything, you did not want to confirm his suspicions. Before you could reply, you locked eyes with the blonde man strolling towards your table with a croissant in hand. Grinning like the devil, eyeing you up. You tried to telepathically warn him to take the seat next to Freddie, and not you.

“G’morning.” He said, sliding into the empty seat by your side. You groaned internally. Way to keep it subtle, Rog. The boys all exchanged good mornings, and you watched as Brian had to force his out, except it wasn’t a good morning at all.

“You’re late.” He said monotone, staring harshly into Roger’s eyes. Roger took a bite out of his croissant, and slowly and discretely slid his free hand up your leg, causing you to jump a little, before he gave your thigh a squeeze. He left his hand there, and you were relaxed by it.

“Sorry, had a long shower.” He grinned, squeezing your thigh once again. Really subtle. Really. Brian let out a huff. “But I went over the lyrics, and they’re good man.” He removed his hand from your thigh, and slide the notes out of his shirt pocket. Freddie grabbed them quickly, reading every word a mile a minute, Deacy peered over his shoulder and nodded in approval. 

Roger’s hand had made its way around the back of you chair, and you watched Brian clench his jaw so hard you feared his teeth would shatter. You coughed quietly, and Roger quickly retreated.

“Well, shall we hit the road? Mike Douglas wont interview himself.” John offered, sensing the tension between you and Brian. You internally thanked him, as you all cleared the table. 

You had all dispersed to grab your luggage, at the request of the band’s manager. There would be no partying tonight, it was straight to the next city after the show. You had been thankful to learn that. It’s not like you had exactly been in the partying mood.

“Excited for the interview?” You asked Brian as you wheeled your suitcase down the hall. No response.

“Bri- what’s going on?” He sighed for a long moment.

“Nothing, I just-it’s nothing. Bad dream, really.” He continued on towards the lift. 

The entirety of the interview had been tense. Brian refused to look at you, or sit anywhere remotely close to you. He also had been avoiding Roger. He was not his usual happy, cheery self. He was mad, and you knew it would not be long before he exploded. 

You were arriving at the concert hall now, and the boys were getting ready to practice their set. You had chosen to hang back with John after the Interview, knowing Brian had no interest in the likes of you, and you didn’t want to seem too friendly with Mr. Taylor.

“Think he knows?” John whispered, as you walked down a corridor.

“Oh, he knows. Well, he knows something.” You gulped, the feeling of nausea taking over again.

“It’ll blow over, just give him space.” Deacy offered to you, but you knew in your bones that was furthest from the truth. You opted to sit on the left of the stage, crossed legged while they all set up. You were thankful you brought a pad of paper and a pen, so you could write to your parents to pass the time. You had told them of all that you had seen so far, although really it had mostly been the four walls of your hotel room, but you expanded the truth a bit; you had been getting quite good at that. You mentioned how you were excited to see them in a few months, and that you were on the adventure of a life time. 

You had been quite involved in your words when you heard a distinct symbol, where there should not have been a symbol. Freddie had continued singing, but Brian had stopped playing all together, causing the rest of the band to fade off. 

“What the fuck was that Roger.” Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Brian’s fist clenched at his side.

“Relax you wank, it was a mistake.” Roger retorted, adjusting his drums.

“You just can’t do anything right, can you?” Brian shouted back at Roger. You realized you were standing now, watching with the same awe struck look as Freddie and John.

“Excuse me?” Roger stood now too, throwing his drum sticks to the side.

“You can’t bloody well play drums right, and you can’t keep your dick in your pants long enough to sing the ABC’s!” Brian was standing nose to nose with Roger, and your heart was in your throat. You moved quickly, grabbing Brian’s arm, but he shook you off. 

“Have I done something to upset you?” Roger egged him on, his fists were clenched now too.

“Oh, like I’m supposed to ignore the fact that your shagging my best friend?” Brian said, his tone wasn’t as harsh. No, it was sad.

“Bri-”

“And you!” He cut you off. You took a step back, at his harsh tone.

“You’re supposed to be my best friend Rosanna, and here you are fucking Roger.” You felt water brim in your eyes.

“Brian, I’m not fucking anyone.” You’re voice was soft, almost in audible. Roger was now standing next to your side, defensive.

“Right, like nothings going on here. Tell me another lie why don’t you?” He said, he was hurt, and it killed you that you had been the one to hurt him.

“I’m not fucking anyone.” You repeated again, tears spilling onto your red cheeks.

“You were there last night, in his room. You were the girl he had over weren’t you? Hiding in the bathroom like a coward. Don’t you dare lie to me Rose.” He said, you could swear you saw steam pooling out his ears.

“I-I’m so sorry Brian.” Your head fell into your hands, and Roger pulled you in tight.

“You’re a shit friend Roger...and so are you Rose. You belong together.” Brian stormed past the both of you. Leaving you there to sob into Roger’s chest. He was gently hushing you, stroking your hair, but nothing-nothing would take the pain away.

“It’s going to be okay Rosie.” Roger said, soothingly. He gently placed a kiss on your lips. You grabbed his cheeks gingerly, and kissed him back with a deep and sincere passion.

“Promise me?” You asked, as you pulled back. Your green eyes locked with his blue ones. You swore you could see the depths of the oceans in those eyes.

“I promise.” He kissed the tears that raced down your skin, before pulling you into the safety of his chest once more.

John had offered to chase down Brian, although you knew, it should have been you. Freddie demanded to know what was going on, and to Roger’s dismay you told him everything. Freddie held your hand as you spoke softly, the odd tear running down your face.

“He will forgive you my petal. You know he will.” He said. You had expected a more dramatic reaction from Freddie, but you felt he knew and understood the pain you were going through, and the betrayal you felt.

“Well, he’d better come back soon or we’re gonna preform like absolute shit tonight.” Roger said, taking a long drag from his cigarette. Freddie sighed deeply, as Brian and John walked onto the stage.

“I don’t want to speak to either of you, but we need to practice.” Brian said. He didn’t make eye contact with anyone, he just picked up his guitar and began strumming. You excused yourself as they all began to rehearse again. You found a dingy washroom in the back, locked the door tightly, before sliding down the the floor. 

“What are you doing, Rose?” You asked yourself out loud. You wish someone else had answered back. You were startled when you heard a tap on the door. You fumbled to stand up, and opened the door, expecting to see, anyone really, but not who had been standing there.

“Brian...” You were more than shocked to say the least. He looked broken, defeated and as though you had dragged him a mile through the trenches of war.

“It’s only a verse, but I wrote it for you.” He said, handing you the crumpled notes that had been passed around the breakfast table, earlier that day. Before you could utter a single word, he was already walking off. You stared blankly at him for a moment, before reading the scribbly lyrics.

She’s trapped in a glass vase

A Rose with the softest face

She long’s to fly with the doves

I want her to be free, my love.

[eelvolution]

Am I the only one extremely frustrated with how they wrapped up the HTTYD trilogy?

Okay a preface: I liked The Hidden World! It was beautiful! And I love the HTTYD franchise dearly. Which is why I’m so frustrated with some of the choices they made in this movie... Rambling ahead! Spoilers under cut!

Just saw the movie and whacking down my random thoughts here.... So, the obvious things I have issue with: that ending.  WHY DID THEY HAVE TO LET THE DRAGONS GO DESPITE DEFEATING THE THREAT? They spent two entire movies establishing this unbreakable bond between Toothless and Hiccup, (and well, between all the main cast and their dragons) they spent two movies establishing a message of fighting for what you stand for, two movies preaching a message of trusting those you love will always have your back....to only flip all this on its head. And don’t try and use the whole “It’s a message about letting go and moving on”, because to me it read more as “You must choose between two people you love” instead. Plus....was Toothless straight up never going to return to Hiccup after he went to the hidden world the first time? They really gonna break their bond just like that huh? That seems...uncharacteristic? And Hiccup letting all the dragons go just seemed like he was throwing away all his hard work over the last few years. All the work and sacrifice to protect and expand their home...seems like its in vain now.   There were so many solutions that weren’t explored: Why didn’t they try and return to the hidden world with Toothless a second time? (Avoid spooking the dragons, and use Toothless as an Alpha to control the dragons? PLUS at the end the Lightfury came around to trusting Hiccup??? So why didn’t they try again?) Why didn’t they return to their normal lives (hell why didn’t they return to Berk?) after Grimmel was defeated? There was no longer a threat! They spent the last two movies pushing a message of “stand your ground! Protect what you believe in!” but in this movie what did they do?.....run away and give up their dragons?  Why did ALL the dragons have to leave? Sure, if you wanted to go down the whole “Toothless wants to leave with his mate” thing...whatever. But there was no reason that the rest of them needed to go to the hidden world. This also makes less sense after the threat was defeated. Again, spent the whole previous 2 movies establishing how the people of Berk changed their lives to accommodate and welcome the dragons. Just for that to be...thrown out so readily. Why did nobody say “Hell no I’m not giving up my dragon!” Another issue I had was...the whole Hiccup being unmanly arc...running joke...? Guy literally stopped two ‘End-Of-The-World’ scenarios, proved his resilience as a leader multiple times in the franchise, yet his friends and peers still ridicule him? It was funny as a throw away joke...maybe once, but as a running arc of this movie it just seemed really out of place and mean-spirited? Also this is a very personal nitpick but GOD I cant stand the whole “will they wont they” marriage arcs in movies its boring as fuck. IN CONCLUSION I feel this was handled badly. I left the theatre with mixed emotions. “Am I interpreting this wrong? What sort of message is “sacrifice everything you’ve fought for?” Choose between your bff or.... girl???? “ Maybe if they had’ve made Grimmel have a huge influential following of people who wanted to hunt all dragons, so even after he was defeated Berk still wouldn’t be safe. Show more of a struggle and have the decision to give up the dragons be more difficult and drawn out. It would make the whole theme of sacrifice a lot more justified if there was real danger in keeping the dragons. I’ll also add...the goodbye scene was incredibly powerful. I won’t lie, was in the theatre quietly sobbing. I think half the audience were...suppose that’s what happens when you spend almost a decade growing up with this franchise.Thought it was a particularly beautiful touch that it mirrored their first bonding scene. Goddamn. God, ,, dam.  Honestly if this movie had like 20 more mins to establish more emotional turmoil at giving up the dragons, or establishing a never ending threat that wouldn’t be sated until the dragons were gone...MAYBE THEN I would’ve been on board with the whole “sacrifice” “Letting go” “Doing whats right for those you love even thought it hurts you” “Goodbye” themes...Like god, that would’ve been unbelievably powerful to see in a kids movie.  But as it stands it seems like a drastic solution to a problem that basically solved itself after Grimmel died. A bit too rushed, a bit too underdeveloped...and I just can’t shake the feeling that it could’ve been more. I’m now going to brb and go through the 7 stages of grief. :^)

[noidsome]

The big issue with the digimon tri movies, and why you should be pissed too.

I just finished watching the 5th digimon movie, and to put it short, i excpected nothing and im still let down. This is a big negative critique on what ive seen so far from the tri movies, but its also more of a vent for me, because theres something about these movies that really fucking grinds my gears and i feel i finally need to let that out somewhere. Look at this as a sort of....badly written analyctic rant. So far this movie, in short, was as i dreaded, 70% meiko bullshit and 20% kari...which is so fucking insulting i dont even know...but thats why im here.

Now before you assblast me with your stupid crap, please try to understand that as harsh as im writing this, im trying to look at this movie from a critical standpoint, and no im not going to put in the effort to be “nice” about it because if digimon tri can get away with half assing everything about itself, then wont bother. If you cant handle that, move on. If your interested, click the read more and we can begin this shit fest, because i think its about god damn time someone put these mediocre movies in their place.

The pacing.

I dont know about you guys, but to me it feels like these movies, or episodes, are either dragging on forever, or they rush really fast. This movie especially took its sweet ass time to give us 2 whole half an hour scenes of meiko being depressed about her shitty OC digimon, to leave the actual interesting fights and plot to 1 and a half episode, out of 4. Im sorry but i feel like ive been following this fucking story for 6 years, its so fucking slow and it drags on for fucking ever sometimes.

I do understand that its important to establish character interactions, and god damn does this fucking series need some, but sometimes it really stops the action dead in its tracks, and as much as i appriciate the movies giving each character some focus, it goes on for too long. the ending to movie 5 was....well rushed as shit. 

But despite all this, its just really frustrating that half the entire series is just them standing around and TALKING...talking talking talking, exposition exposition exposition. It also feels really slow and stagnated sometimes, and the cheesy music in the background of the sad scenes dont really help much. And other times things are glossed over so fast that im standing there wondering if i missed out on something because i accedently blinked. Like how they entered the digital world, only to just suddently fall out of it immediatly after from a big digital gate just like that. Or how meiko just...SUDDENTLY appeared in the digital world with no warning or real reason. huh?? shes here now?? what?? meicoomon is still infected? what?? gennai is back with the dark masters? what where did they come from? why are they following him!? WHAT?? HUH??? HELLO???

im just….frustrated. im frustrated that i have to wait for 6+ months every a new movie comes out, only for the movie to stall for fucking ever and leave the actual OH SHIT moments to the last part, AND END ON A CLIFFHANGER. Its such fucking god damn bait to get us to watch the other movies, its almost INSULTING how incredibly obvious it is. Last movie ended with gennai fucking around and choking meiko. Then, as i saw my fat ass down in the chair, waiting for the big battle, no meicoo just...opened portals and then left with her copy paste army. Oh well so much for that. 

Then the digidestined actually FALL OUT OF THE DIGITAL WORLD, and they are right back to standing around and getting chased by the cops...and then they spend THE REST OF THE EPISODES on meikos useless crying and baiting for meichi shipping material. im sorry but was that neccecary? was it neccecary to stop the entire god damn movie just so we could have tai standing there with spaghetti falling out of his pockets? and the mega evolutions for the other digimons felt really rushed too, i had hoped for more build up...but guess i get fuck alll.

The filler.

Now i do enjoy myself a little “filler” once in a while, i wont lie. and i will also not lie when i say that i really enjoyed seeing my boi tais hot nipple-less body. But, again…. DID WE NEED THE FIRST HALF BEING JUST THAT?! i swear to fucking god if you cut out all the filler content from these movies your going to get the entire series down to 5 episodes. Movie 2 was just...filler. fucking filler. i didnt have much issue with movie 3 but they just NEEDED to shove more meiko in..

movie 4 was kind of a bitch to sit trough because the whole damn “plot” made no sense. why was soras digimon the only one who was mad and while the others were just like before? why JUST her? why couldnt the others be like that too? Its just plot convenience at this point. and then it was pretty much just watching tai and matt spew spaghetti out of their pockets and be awkward because sora cant communicate with her friends like a normal person. Honestly it was a little charming at first but it got old pretty quickly…and then dark masters out of nowhere that died as fast as they came on. what a rushed little cameo for that extra nostalgia bait.

Honestly i found myself first liking the character interactions a little once the movies took a break from the action and fighting...but i much more often found myself angrily tapping my foot and going “REEEE MOVE ON.”

The god damn meiko.

Alright you all saw this one coming probably. Now let me just start by saying, i originally didnt mind meiko, or the idea of a new digitestined in the first place. Its welcoming to try and add something new to your otherwise soulless nostalgia cash grab. However we need to look at her from a critical stand point. im not trying to start a hate train, im just going to analyze her for how shes written as a character.

Im sorry to say this guys, but no matter how you look at her, shes a mary sue. Im sorry but all the tropes are there!! but why do i feel this way? heres why:

Her digimon is the sole reason for everything going to shit.

her digimon is in adult stage like gatomon just because.

essentially her digimon is “special”

all the other kids befriended her really fast just because.

everyone likes meiko and nobody seems to have a problem with her

shes the typical “uguu” shy type of girl.

her digimon OF COURSE won the costume contest in movie 2 or 3

leomon finds HER DIGIMON adorable enough to make the others run off... of course….

she cries constantly and does nothing but wine as the others hold her.

She takes up MAJORITY of the screentime for almost all movies. Almost.

POSSIBLY a relationship with the main character, if they actually are baiting us with those scenes in movie 5.

acts and feels like a self-insert OC in a canon universe.

The reason i dont like her is just because im SICK OF HER!! im sick of seeing her fucking face every god damn movie. im sick of the others shoving a friendship speech or talking about her belonging to them for the 700th GOD DAMN TIME, im sick of constantly hearing ME-MEI and MEIKOOOOOO, and im so fucking sick of seeing her sit down and cry or act sad and do NOTHING! shes just THERE TO BE THERE! her “cute little sneezing quirk” wasnt even something they bothered keeping any more. Shes so god damn obnoxious and shallow, and the ENTIRE HALF OF THE 5TH MOVIE WAS SPENT SHOVING MORE FRIENDSHIP SPEECHES IN HER FUCKING HEAD UNTIL SHE NUTTED UP AND STRAIGHT UP TOLD THE OTHERS TO AXE OFF MEICOOMON, while kari got 5 fucking minutes and got posessed or some shit i dont fucking know, does anyone care at this point?! 

shes such a god damn self insert its PAINFUL! and ive read plenty of crappy OC digimon fanfiction in my days to be able to tell when someone props their crappy OC in a canon story. IVE DONE IT MYSELF!! its INSULTING that im watching a canon produced digimon FANFICTION more then an actual OVA. If you like her, FINE, but you CANT ignore how incredibly shallow and flawed shes written. This isnt someone “hating female characters” this is someone whos frustrated a shittly written character who is just causing repetitive sob scenes over and over and over. im sorry but have we not gotten enough flashbacks from meiko and her digimon? do we need 4 more in the fifth movie??? WE GET IT! ITS SAD! SHES SAD!! THEY ARE FRIENDS! MOVE ON ALREADY!!

i dont feel bad for her anymore, its just getting repetitive now. She ate up the entire 5th movie and left nothing to kari but the sloppy leftovers at the end, and because she ran off like an idiot to meicoomon she got tai axed off too……………...but i will get to that.

The lack of animation.

The biggest insult, and this is….dare i say…….something coming from an animation student, is the insufferable animation. The first movie is fine, but from thereon, i feel like the quality dropped significantly. and oh boy, dont get me started on the amount of time they just pan a fucking picture instead of animating them doing shit.

im sorry but did i wait 4-6 months for a fucking clipshow? I know that animating is hard, and the animation industry in japan is absolute fucking shit, but come the fuck on guys. i think movie 5 had so many times where they just panned pictures of the digimon fighting, and the kids running. I guess when you put all your budget into overanimating the short action scenes you got, you dont have much left for them to trow a punch outside of that. and i wouldnt mind if they had just bothered not doing it so much. they do it WAY TOO OFTEN!

in the 4th move they didnt even fucking bother drawing the kids wet while they were in the water. no wet droopy hair, no indication the clothing was soaked, nothing. not a god damn fucking detail or anything.

The nostalgia bait

Hey kids, remember the bus in the digital world??? remember the gear desert? remember the house mimi was a princess in?? remember the pink forest? remember seadramon? remember the dark masters???? remember any of that shit!? remember primary village?! YEAH??? REMEMBER ALL THOSE COOL 01 THINGS??? ok cool, anyway moving on.

The lack of personality/soul

one thing im really passionate about is expressions. expressive characters and facial expressions i something i enjoy drawing a lot. in the original digimon, every character was spesifically designed to be its own thing. sure they stank of the 90s, but they wer UNIQUE. Digimon tri has trown all that shit out the window. Now they all look boring as hell. the only unique thing about them now is their hair. take that away, and you get a bunch of similar looking, boring samefaced characters.

the digimon movies are just so fucking SOULLESS! everyone looks so god damn watered down and tame compared to their former selves. everyone wears a school uniform even when they got summer vacation. they even wear school uniforms as they get to the digital world, and they have NO facial expressions. NONE! the way they talk and show emotions is almost nonexistant. even once they are seriously screaming at someone or focusing on something serious, they still have that stale, boring as shit facial expression. stone faced and COLD! its like you dont even care!! seriously its so frustrating to watch sometimes because they are so god damn bland and barely deviate at all from their typical “idle” face.

^count how many fucking times tai makes this face troughout the entire series. 

^am i the only one who thinks they looks very..bland and dull here? and this happens way too often.

seriously, watch the movies again and notice just how little the animators bothered giving them any fucking emotions. the screenshots here are just from a few minutes in the new movie.

And dont get me started on how everyone seemed so.........accepting of tais “death” i mean sure they might still be in shock,.....but......why did none of pic under appear???? 

WHy was everyone so.....noble??? except kari...who got....fucking owned.

and the digimon....most of them are just....comic relief now. i feel like most of them have little personality, but fucking agumon. what the FUCK have they done to agumon!? hes just a walking talking “i like to eat” joke. hes fucking nothinng. an empty boring sack of shit who just talks about food and NOTHING ELSE!! oh and maybe fights sometimes...but seriously.

The BAIT.

The trailers for these movies have made me fall into the bait they put out. But its getting infuriating now. All the trailer bait for movie 5 was just taken form the last 5 minutes of the film. that little teaser we all thought were going to show the dark ocean? yeah that was what….5 seconds at the very last minute of the movie? Hime was the one who went there, and they even rushed that part. 

remember when we all tought that tai was the kaiser because the animators thought they copy the excact same hairstyle? remember how they all baited us with the kaiser thinking we were gonna get some 02 action? i sure as FUCK do.

i LOVED the last minutes of the movies. i loved the last half of episode 3 and the entire episode 4… but im so fucking angry that i have to wait 4-6 months for the conclusion to when the movie was JUST GETTING INTERESTING! i fucking hate it!!

The 02 kids, or lack thereof.

Ok honestly ive completely forgotten about them, and i dont understand why they bothered putting them in this movie. and they give us absolutly nothing to go on for ALL of the movies! WHY? WHATS THE POINT?! with this series endless stalling, how can they possibly explain their absence or death or whatever in what little time we have left?! how will they half ass this?! i seriously dont get how they can begin with something so intense, only to give us absolutly nothing till the last movie, IF AT ALL!

Taichis “””””””””””””””””death.”””””””””””””””””

So the fuckers had the BALLS to kill off my boi tai. They actually went there. they fucking killed him off. AND LEFT IT ON A CLIFFHANGER! wow fucking good job guys, you sure got me there. i cant believe tai is fucking dead.

except wait a second here…..tai isnt dead. of course he fucking isnt. i mean come the fuck on, are you really expecting them to kill off their marketig king? the face of all their merc? PLEASE! we all fucking know that hes going to come back. THEY BASICALLY SPOILED THE MOVIES FOR US ALREADY, didnt they say in an interview far back that these movies were whats going to lead everyone up to their careers? so why the fuck would tai die when we know hes going to be an ambassador? 

i dont fucking understand why they even bothered with this fake ass death. WE KNOW HES GOING TO COME BACK! im not mad that tai “died,” im mad that they actually bothered making it a cliffhanger, as if we arent going to fucking figure out hes coming back in the next movie. WHATS THE POINT?! Are they going to just shove him off till the last 5 minutes of the last movie? is that it? are they going to do what they did to kari? or are we FINALLY going to see tai resolving his persional issues that have been shoved away to make room for everything else? who knows, who cares at this point?!

The conclusion

Digimon tri was something enjoyable for me to look forward to..but now, its just a bunch of frustrating, medicore, nostalgia cash-grabbing shitfests of movies, and i need to get it out of my system. 

Im angry because i have to wait 4-6 months between each movie only to get nothing. im angry that i have to wait 4-6 months for an hour long movie that has actual content thats 20 minutes long. im sick of having my excpectations set to low, only for them to be lowered even more. im sick of seeing meiko basically becoming the main characters as the others are somewhat side characters at this point. im sick of the shit-tier animation quality and the stone-bored dull surprise faces. im sick of wanting this to be good, only to see that the fucking directors and animators arent even fucking trying anymore. Im sad, that the sequel was put in the hands of incompetent fucks who only know digimon trough their most basic character traits, and nothing more.

i do like tri...and im sad to see it go so soon….but part of me wants to get this over with, because if you like it or not, tri isnt a passionate fan sequel. tri is a boring, mediocre cash grab, and im sad it cantt be more then that, and im sad its over soon...

[legalist217]

Do Voldemort/Snape/Umbridge lmao

I think you’re overestimating my ability to not be creative about the situation, as well as my self-preservation and my interest in women because that’s what makes Umbridge rank worst from an SO perspective. (she’s not even a pretty woman, she’s a super gross woman inside and out, so it does nothing for me on any level, meh, bleh, weh)

This got lengthy so it’s under a cut, you’re welcome, enjoy. And I bothered to put these into exactly no logical canon timeframe. 

Well get this out of the way, fake date umbridge. because I will find ways to mortify her. I will drag her to youmacon. I will point out a photograph taken of Nancy Pelosi in a pink suit with all the Senate pages and then assure her that, no, of course you’re just as pretty in your headmistress photo as that Muggle politician is. Why would there even be a comparison. dear. [this is a real photo that we saw being taken at the Capitol when we toured circa HBP’s film coming out; we had to stifle giggles] 

And then arrange a scenario where she’s jailed for tax evasion. I’m not marrying the toad; no fifth amendment protections for non-spouse SOs as I recall. I assume MACUSA can ensure she’s put somewhere good and tedious. 

(note: this is the only scenario where I envisioned it happening in america)

now, hm. I guess I would slow burn Voldemort because I reckon if you’re his stated enemy, that’s probably not a changeable status. He’s all emotionally stunted in that way. So enemies to lovers doesn’t seem plausible. So, then, I guess I’m some Bellatrix-esque tart, except, well, myself. So rather than wetting myself over THE DAHHK LAWD, I’m just mildly amused at his fascist goals. “That’s a way to do it, I suppose, but hate’s a pretty tedious method to carry on with the world, and let’s remember that you never actually held power long term *ducks AK* so maybe something less... Hitlery? Oh don’t look at me like that, you grew up in muggle-trash London, you know who Hitler is.” 

And it goes on and on and on and on and on and it is a slow burn because he’s incapable of love and I think the best we manage for much of the run before the author begins developing carpal tunnel is “I barely tolerate her because she has 0.01% of a point; I tell the others she is too amusing to kill.” At least now I have slytherin creds to brandish to get a foot in the door. 

And being endlessly at such a tenuous “I guess that was almost funny, so I won’t murder you?” stage, I don’t have to figure out how to kiss a noseless man or how to deal with a jealous pet snek. 

you’re going to regret this

Enemies to lovers is a very tolerable way to deal with Snape, given the options on this playing field. Professors who tell you that your answer is wrong only for the right answer to be “the same thing but because I said it, it’s right” are my least fuckin faves. Snape treads close to that territory. 

But again, I have slytherin creds now. I’m also quite impulsive, so I can see myself writing him an annoyed owl after a class detailing specific moments where his behavior decreased the educational advantage to Housemates and how this is him not being a benefit to team and should I go to Dumbledore about this; like give that one gryffindor kid double shit, dude might deserve it for all I know [I am bad at popular gossip when it comes to school IRL], but stop fuckin it up for us and maybe for other students who are genuinely trying, ya pissant. And while Snape is very much a pissant, I think he also cares a lot about the House. And to a degree, his job; he definitely gave a fuck when he was sixteen about teaching potions because he was rewriting the goddamned book. 

So, I dunno, maybe I can get through to him. I still get detention for unmitigated sass, but I knew that’d happen. Too bad he doesn’t realize how much I am wont to chat while working. And I have an IRL habit of roping even introverts into talking with me when I’m inclined to. What’s he gonna do, give me more detention? I don’t give a shit. I’ll clean this office and every office. Why the hell not. Castle’s an interesting place. How often do I get an elf’s eye view of the place? And anyway are there any good articles out on lacewing colony collapse disorder, because I hear that might screw over the polyjuice industry? Any good places to write? Lacewings are aptly named, you gotta admit. They need more words devoted to them. And then I force him to read my poetry because who the fuck else here knows about lacewings aside from maybe Hagrid who has automatic distrust of green robes? He tells me it sucks. I grin. (I cry later, but that’s not because he said it, just because no one wants to hear that their poem sucks in such flat words.)

In real life, I’m still in touch with some of my professors after graduation and some of them have outright said they think of me as a friend. I wouldn’t date them, because they are married and I am sensible and they are twice my age and the list goes on. But this is a forced narrative scenario, and given my dating history and its repeated Bad Calls, I can see me writing longer and more detailed letters than just “hey got a new job at Witch Weekly doing book reviews, it’s basically whatever’s on the Prophet’s best-seller list minus anything too difficult for a stay-at-home witch to bother with.” He writes back terse one-liners if I’m lucky. I still write a lot, because it makes me feel better about my sorta boring life. 

At some point, I dust off the old lacewing scroll and laugh at how bad it was. But the core idea of hiding oneself in another’s reflection has merit, so I rework it. Dredge up old textbooks to reference other ingredients of common potions, because Moste Potente Potions is still a restricted book so maybe not hinting at the recipe in a poem is a good call.  It’s eventually as done as this version’s going to be. I send it to him. 

It comes back around Christmas with the word “Better.” swirled in the corner. I tack it to the wall and write more. Sometimes they come back with tiny checkmarks by specific lines. I find myself quietly tallying those, like they’re gold stars and I’m back in primary school. And I have to stifle a gasp when one has a note saying he’d copied a version for himself. I can’t help imagining it pinned up on his fridge, him seeing it every day. That image is childish, but it gets me through bleak times. 

It’s a year before a poem I didn’t write comes back to me. It is so laughably bad that I’m in tears of laughter for half the night, but then, reading through it, they end up just tears. Who the fuck is this about, because none of the imagery fits me. It’s all flowers of the valley and gentle prey animals. Drawing from my name would be angels or wolves or birds of prey. Who the fuck, then, is this, and why am I sobbing. 

Printed at the bottom is a one-word question: Thoughts?

It’s all I can do not to crumple the stupid parchment and chuck it in the flames. Who is she. Who the hell would put up with such an obnoxious, icy, sneering, greasy, loser? I glance in the mirror. Who indeed. 

It’s a pathetic weekend spent balled up under a comforter trying to figure out how to rationally handle whatever the hell this is. But like I said, I’m impulsive. I have just enough Floo powder on hand, as well, and my head pokes out into a dingy flat. I think he nearly blacks out, he’s that startled. He does the many-blinking thing. 

I arrive swiftly at the point, which is to say that I sob inelegantly and the tears sizzle amid the flames. But I make my demands known through the mouthfuls of ash, both real and simply felt. Who is this other woman you’d write poetry to. 

Black eyes should be flat. His have too much depth at moments like these. There’s too much available to read. I don’t want to know that he knows I’m not crying on his behalf. He runs absent fingers through his hair as he looks at me, a gesture I’d forgotten to miss. Then he explains he wasn’t sure how to title it, which is why there wasn’t one. But it would have been an elegy. His way of burying the past.

I point out that repression isn’t healthy. At least, I think I do. Details are so hazy here in the fire. 

He kneels before me and says that is correct, if such be the case. But one must part with the past to allow for new beginnings. 

Lips brush there in the flames. And then I’m laughing. He pulls back, and I regret it just a little for how hurt those eyes are. Why do I laugh? “That poem sucked!” I shriek, before dragging myself back through the fires to my own hearth, where I lie laughing hysterically for quite some time. 

Years later, Elegy to the Valley is deemed complete. I walk with him as far as the gate, but let him enter the graveyard alone. It is summer, and I trace patterns in the warm metal, trying not to watch his shoulders shaking as he reads it to her. If he needs me, I can be there in a moment. But I would rather watch and mentally write my own poem of this moment instead. He will probably produce something about today as well. We will trade parchments and leave spare, biting comments. But our fingers will interlace at the end of the day. It suffices. 

The sky is tinged ruddy gold when he arrives back at the gate. We walk briskly to the end of the street. It’s not that we stand out; he still knows the Muggle ways. Still, this is a leonine place not meant for us. Time we made our excuses and left.

The corner is deserted. I see his eyes wander back over the church and the graves beside. I remind him he can always return. He shakes his head. “This is a parting of the ways.” He takes my hand, and we go twisting into the dark. 

so yeah, that’s what shipping me with snape looks like; any questions?

[anenglishgirl-americanman]

Right On Time - Chapter 6

Hi everyone!!!!!!!.. I’m super sorry for the unannouced hiatus. Not had the best time, but I’m feeling much better now. And something crazy happened when I saw RHCP in December.. but I’m now back on this planet! Ha! So.. I got a message asking when I’d be updating Right On Time. Now, this was a while ago.. It’s taken a good amount of time to get here, but here you go! Enjoy! x

My bag had been packed, stuffed rather, with the majority of my wardrobe. I have no idea what to wear, what do you wear to a video shoot that your boyfriend is starring in? Ever since he said I was the girlfriend of a rockstar, I’ve tried to think like that. Honestly, I need to change my image, what I dress like, how I act, how I think. I feel this immense pressure, I want Anthony to want me, as much as I want him, but I’ll be honest, that’s all a lot of effort.

I was just putting the last bits into my bag and turned to look at my apartment. It was so small, everything was so close together, but I suppose the upside was that I didn’t have to go far to get my midnight snacks. If I stretched far enough, I could reach one of the cupboards without even leaving my bed! Now I think about it, this place is PERFECT!!

I went to the small round dining table next to the window, put my bag down on the floor and sat on one of the chairs. I looked towards the door, Anthony would  be here soon, my stomach filled with butterflies at the thought of him. I flicked through the magazine that was on the table, pages and pages of crap, who wore it better, the low-down on the latest fashions. I was mindlessly flicking through it when I came across a familiar face. It was Anthony, and just in front of him, was me. It was the day that I got hit by the photographer’s camera. I studied the photo, I couldn’t believe how bad I looked. I looked so chubby, my face was puffy, my eyes were shut, could they have possibly picked a worse photo? Doubts started to creep into my head, is that what I really looked like? I read the caption,

‘Looks like Anthony Kiedis’s relationship with Blanca has officially ended after he was spotted with a mystery redhead, not his usual type! lets see how long this one last for!’

I gasped, I stood up and walked over to the full length mirror and examined myself. I turned to the side, back to the front again, turned to the other side, and then back to the front again. I couldn’t stop staring at my reflection. My hair wasn’t sitting right, I had what appeared to be suitcases under my eyes and I looked as chubby in real life as I did in the magazine.

I was starting to doubt myself.. I was starting to doubt being with Anthony Kiedis. What did he see in me? I’m the checkout girl at the local store, I’m nothing special! There was Anthony, handsome, tall, smart, talented, gorgeous, funny, kind, generous, beautiful.. and here’s me. The troll.

I pulled at the vest top I’d chosen to wear, I suddenly became really self conscious, suddenly aware of myself, how I looked, my slight lazy right eye, that massive freckle on my cheek, that strand of hair THAT JUST WONT STAY PUT. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster, my breath becoming short, my face turning a crimson red. Suddenly I felt the need to take a sharp intake of breath, and then fell to the floor, I was desperately trying to catch my breath but there wasn’t anything I could do. My body and brain were failing me, then an almighty anxiety wave hit me. Tears streaming down my face, I was sobbing, I gasped as I tried to take in air.

A knock came on the door, I was helpless, I couldn’t will my body to move, I was still trying to calm myself down from this monster of a panic attack. I’ not had one like this in a very long time. It had completely taken over me, I’d managed to lie down on the carpet, my body was exhausted, but it didn’t help my breathing. The knocks kept coming, more frequent, getting louder and louder until I heard a voice,

“Melanie, c’mon, we’re going to be late! I cant introduce my girlfriend to my bandmates if we’re already behind shooting schedule!” I could hear him chuckling. I stayed on the floor, shutting my eyes with tears still escaping them.

He knocked again, and again, and again, minutes between each one.

“Mel?” his tone of voice had changed, he was concerned. I desperately tried to reply through my tears but to no avail. He shouted my name again and banged on the door a couple more times. Then suddenly, nothing. No banging, no shouting. That made me cry more, I’d finally got my breathing to slow down, just a little longer and I could get up and try to piece myself back together. I was expecting to be greeted by a note passed under the door to say he’d left without me and to not contact him again.

A few seconds later and the lock was being opened.

“Quickly, I think something’s happened” Anthony ran through the door, leaving the landlord by the front door, his master key still in the lock.

“Mel!” Anthony ran over to me, got onto his knees and placed his right hand on my back and started to rub it in a soothing way, “Honey, what’s happened?”

I looked at him, worry spread across his face. He helped me sit up, moved to sit behind me and wrapped his arms around my body. I put my hands on his arms and leaned into him.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know if I should come with you today. “

“Why not? What’s the matter, honey?”

“I. I just don’t know if-,” I paused. How could I say this? I took a deep breath and tried again, “I’m not like your other girlfriends and I don’t understand why you want to be with me.” Tears threatning to escape my eyes again.

There was silence behind me, then a deep sigh. Anthony’s arms tightened around me, he leaned his head down and kissed my shoulder.

“You’re like no one else, Mel. You’re so special. Your innocence draws me in. When I’m not with you, all I do is think about you. You’re so incredibly beautiful, didn’t you every wonder why I constantly came into your store to buy random things? I just wanted a small glimpse of you, that would see me through the constant interviews, all the shows out of town, you supported me throughout all of that without even knowing!” He leaned round and kissed my cheek, brought his left hand up to my face, turned my head to look over my left shoulder and he kissed me on the lips, a lovely deep, gentle kiss.

“Anthony.. I,” I stumbled over the words “I really like you.”

“And I really like you, Mel. Now, shall we get ready to go film?” Anthony stood up, walked in front of me and held out his hands to help me up. “You look beautiful.” He smiled at me and kissed me on the cheek, the familiar butterfly feelings were coming back again.

Anthony and I arrived at the studio, parked up and we walked into where all the action was. I’d never seen anything quite like it, there was a circular stage, bright orange walls surrounding it and what looked like a giant hollow cube with a drum kit in the middle of it. My imagination started going wild, what on earth kind of video was this going to be?! The set was bustling with lots of people, all looking very busy, tracks on the floor for the cameras, make up artists on set. I’d never seen anything like it!

Anthony took me around to the back and showed me into a dressing room, there sat 3 guys and a young girl.

“Guys! This is Melanie. Melanie, these are the guys - John, Chad and Flea, and that’s Flea’s daughter, Clara.” I looked around at all the smiling faces, Chad, the tall one, was first up on his feet and he came over and gave me hug.

“Melanie! Nice to meet you, are you excited to see what’s going to happen?”

“I am.. I’ve never been on any kind of set before, so this is super exciting!”

“I wouldn’t get too excited, its super loud when you’re on set - you might even need ear plugs!” Clara laughed, which made me laugh.

John and Flea got up too, I stuck out my hand to John, who offered his hand and limp wrist to me, whereas Flea went straight in for a hug.

“It’s really nice to meet you guys, thanks for letting me come along today.” I smiled and looked over at Anthony who had stood back up and walked over to the door.

“Well, time we got ready. Mel, do you want to wait out on set with Clara? We’ve got to change.”

I nodded and followed Clara. The set was amazing. I couldn’t believe so many music videos were filmed in places like this, the viewer really has no idea what goes on behind the scenes and I was just as clueless.

A while had passed before the guys finally came out, Anthony came over to me and my mouth fell open. I’d seen Anthony shirtless before, on screen, in the Scar Tissue video. But seeing him shirtless in person was a whole other game. He was so toned, so strong, so sexy.. and this guy wanted to be with me?! Although he was covered in green paint, I’ve never been so flustered around a man. Anthony made his way over, laughing at my reaction.

“Loving the green, it suits you!” I said, winking at him, looking up into his eyes. He smiled and held eye contact for a few seconds, he then leant down to kiss me and slapped my butt as he was called away to the stage.

Soon it was all quiet on set, cameras surrounding the guys, when suddenly the music started. Flea was slapping his bass on stage in time to the music, then John followed on the guitar, bending backwards and then Chad joined in on the drums. The music was amazing. I was swept away in a whirl of orange, I stood there with my mouth open just watching the guys on stage. Anthony was jumping around, swinging off the cube that was on the stage, singing the lyrics. Then the music calmed down to just John playing, soon joined by Flea and Chad.

The guys played the whole song through from start to finish, it was incredible to watch. The joy on their faces, the joy on the faces of the people watching them. This band was amazing! I made a mental note to myself to listen to more of their music, I’m sure I’ve heard a lot of their songs on the radio but I don’t own any of their CDs.

Then came the solo shots of the guys, when it was Anthony’s turn, a light up cube, just like the one on the stage, was brought out and eventually it rose. Anthony had to get in the cube and was practising dangling himself around, placing himself in the corner, as it spun around. It made me get motion sickness, watching him spin round and round, but man.. he was so hot. I felt my face going red again, the way he was singing loudly, his moves, his body. I was in awe of him. Once the cameras got rolling, we all watched as Anthony sung and spun himself around. John stood next to me, laughing at Anthony. I turned to him and laughed with him, it was then I noticed John’s arms. Badly scarred, and still covered in green paint. I didn’t think it was appropriate to ask him what had happened, maybe I’d ask Anthony one day.

It was amazing to see the guys interact with each other, laughing at Anthony as he pranced around. John was next up, playing the guitar, bending his back, singing the backing vocals. He was having a great time, and I saw Anthony’s face as he watched him, his face was so full of love, hope, wonder. There was a special connection between him and John, so much respect oozed out of Anthony for John. He caught me looking at him, he smiled and leaned down to kiss my forehead.

“How you feeling, honey?”

“I’m feeling good. I feel really happy. Thank you for inviting me, this is just what I needed.”

Anthony looked at me and smiled again, “I’m glad that you’re feeling better. I want you to know how much you mean to me, how special you are. And I promise we’ll have a nice evening. But be warned, we’re filming again tomorrow, so no late nights for us!” He laughed and pulled me in for a hug, he was still shirtless, and my hands touched his back. Dang, even his back was toned, it felt so good being in his arms. Incredible, in fact. I felt this energy between us, my heart rate rose and I could feel my face getting redder. I was desperate for him, desperate for him to touch me.

You see, we still hadn’t had sex. It was my choice and he respected my decision. I felt like I wasn’t ready just yet. I wanted to feel ready, I wanted him to feel ready too, I wanted it to be special for both of us. I don’t mean rose petals everywhere, champagne on ice, a big lovely romantic meal. No, I didn’t want any of that. I wanted it to be special because it was him and I, connecting together, a connection that not everyone has. I wasn’t sure when I’d feel ready, but I was feeling pretty ready at that moment in time. Just being in Anthony’s arms was enough to get my heart beating fast, I was sure that Anthony could hear my heart, thumping away in my chest. I looked up at him, he was amazing. His peroxide blonde hair looked amazing, his eyes were amazing, just everything about him was amazing, and he was all mine.

Hours had passed and it was finally time to leave, we’d had dinner on set, there was so much food. I thought it best to not waste our money and use up what was there. Anthony laughed at me as I stacked my plate up, calling me cheap. I told him that he had no idea, he didn’t know what it was like living small pay check to small pay check, you had to make the most of every free food opportunity!

We finally got back to Anthony’s place. Walking down the long corridor, hand in hand, to his door, my heart started racing again. I couldn’t wait until we got in, I was desperate to kiss him, to run my hands up and down his back and his torso. I felt ready. As we got into his apartment, Anthony switched the lights on and turned to look at me.

“I’ve got something for you, close your eyes.” I did as he said, he held me hand and then put something cold in it. I looked down to find a door key. “To my apartment. I want you to feel you can come at any time, whether I’m here or not.” I felt this overwhelming wave of love coming over me, I looked up at him and kissed him.

“Thank you Anthony, I’ve never met a guy like you, you make me feel so special, so wanted.”

Anthony looked deep into my eyes, “I think I’m in love with you, Mel.”

I carried on holding Anthony’s hand, smiling at him, and then he pulled me in for a hug. We parted and I looked at him, I felt my heart fluttering, I completely felt the same way, no words could describe how amazing he made me feel. I stood on my tiptoes, and lightly kissed him, and then I whispered into his ear,

“I think I’m ready now.”

[conoroberstsseroquel]

oh my god. that was one of the worst and most traumatic experiences of my entire life. ive been sobbing uncontrollably and out of control manic for hours, cried so hard i threw up. my parents picked me up from the airport, didnt say a single word or look at me until we got home. where my entire family was waiting in a staged intervention. they wont let me go back to san francisco until i have been to intensive dbt & group therapy here in simi for an indeterminate amount of time, at least a month but i doubt they’ll let me go back at all until mid august when my lease is up & i have to move my shit out. my mother has severe anger problems and spent the majority of time screaming at me that she thinks im a substance abusing liar that keeps getting head injuries because of my drug/alc use instead of the actuality that i have balance problems because i have multiple physical deformities & chronic feet/leg problems. i was hysterically panicking , and tried so hard to escape their barrage of blaming and attacking ; i have several friends who have volunteered to pick me up and take me away from my home situation if it got bad like this. but they forbade me to leave unless i gave them my cell phone, computer, my debit card, my insurance card and wallet. my mom even fucking got the security tapes from safeway when i had my fall/head trauma , and because my version of events (tripping on a shopping cart, hitting my head on the shelf & denting it) didnt entirely match up with what actually happened, she told me everything she thinks i say now is a lie. i had extreme short term memory loss for over a week, i was extremely disoriented and bleeding everywhere, i myself didnt know exactly what happened that was what i just deduced & told everyone from the context i could observe. she also called my roommate abby to ask if me recently slipping on the wet bathroom floor/ cutting my eyelid on the mirror was actually true (which abby confirmed because that was the fucking truth i was sober when that happened) and she still doesnt fucking believe either of us. my whole entire family was screaming at me over these incidences, “out of caring bc we love you and you need to change, we are all extremely tired of being affected by your fuckups”. i was so deranged i almost grabbed a kitchen knife and slit my wrists and throat right then and there, but my grandma was present and i could never do that to her. i have no freedom here, i have no will to live. you’d think days after completing my undergrad degree in 4 yrs w all my disabilities, something my neurotypical perfect standard of comparison asshole twin couldnt even accomplish, they would at least congratulate me once. nope. no gifts no recognition no im proud of you for dealing with the worst semester of your life. back in jail, back in their clutches, back to forced sobriety that drives me insane bc i need to numb my emotional disproportionate bipolar responses to my familial bullshit otherwise i cant handle their abuse and i retaliate and just make things worse for myself. no one , no one , no one knows how impossibly difficult this past semester was for me with my host of mental & physical ailments, and i get no congratulations or recognition of how fucking hard it’s been, just two hours of screaming & having my parents play the victim card like theyre the ones who are actually suffering here. i am hopeless and there is no way out.

[la-mise-en-abime]

my heart yearns for you, i never wanted to be comic, i always thought it would be better to be funny in real life and not have to muster it and waste it on stage, and have people be surprised when you weren't as funny in real life, i always found that dissapointing when it happened to me, like that person was an apparition of themselves an empty shell. And wow I've come to realise how sad this existence is, or maybe its just the pattern of believing in your self, there are certainly dips. my heart yearns for you and i think fuck, was i supposed to have gone with you, was i supposed to have been all these things, what if we’d never met. I hope I can separate myself from you and form my own being, we were growing together and were not growing apart yet but maybe i need a change. This year has been weird, so wonderful, and so weird, and now maybe i am feeling the repercussions of your change, i am really feeling what you are feeling as one amoeba, we obviously share a bladder that has been said before so the urinary tract is suffering, but it hurts to feel your mundainity, it hurts to see you in your ordinary pain, your extraordinary pain in your ordinary life, it hurts me to think maybe you are not special, you are not just a special magical spelll that has reeked havoc on my life and make me question what holes i want it in. You are special, but if the world doesn’t notice so and treats you like shit i wont stand by it, ill stand with you, im sure what else I can do, will do. I dont want them spreading. our message so falsely for their own gain, i dont want coffee drunk over us and laughed over us, at our expense and sexual fetishes and smiles and dimples and rude finger gestures and shrugs and pleas and questions and examinations and cuts and bruises and cuts and no questions and spit in your face. Id rather not that thank you, id really rather not. I dont care what i am, just in relation to you always in relation to you. omg the fucking car alarm wont shut the fuck up, please shut the fuck up screaming like a fucking attention seeking cunt shut up, thank you. I was scared they would rape you, im still scared they will rape you, and i dont wants o be subtle anymore, I m scared they will fist you and put things inside you and pull your trousers down and laugh and bend you over a car and fuck you and fuck you hard, and im scared i want that, no i dont but I can imagine it vividly, has it happened somewhere in my memory before. I remember crying very hard over that film boys dont cry in tigers arms, sobbing and gasping like when i used to have tantrums, once a huge one in a video store andi couldn’t breathe i was crying so hard, and my dad said, T everyone can hear you, look they're all looking at you, take a deep breath and bap bap bap like fish inhale all that air and exhale very slowly, (later he said so your mouth looks like an asshole) but fuck those people that were looking at me he just shouldnt have made me fucking cry and it felt good and distressing to cry that much.

when we first met, the first night i called you she so many times when i was talking about you to other people, i had to keep correcting myself like i had terrets or something (that fucking car alarm) she, he, she, he, she, he. You didn't realise you have subsequently told me, but i rememeder it clearly, i was so drunk I could nt get it right, and you were the first trans person i had met knowingly, when you first told me you joked it about it, that seemed to be your method at the time, haha yeah, im basically just becoming a teenager, im about 13 in T years, i was like who is this creature who is telling me this there was subtle tone of vulnerability in how you explained it as if to say please accept this floating skin of myself that rests just above our heads, any sudden movements will frighten it off and i complied with this thing in front of me, kept it floating warily above our heads, as i fell in love with you. but your smile was golden, you were soft like the butches i had seen before, that negative space you *cant couldn’t touch where femininity and masculinity come close but don’t touch. the softness of fat under you shirt and the way you sweat and knowing there was something vulnerable in your pants, something I knew so much of and also nothing. this was stepping into another realm. I felt almost ashamed as if i was leading you on and you were so shiny and soft I knew you wanted more, but i was scared of you. i think i was terrified. of what you represented.

i was so scared of getting it wrong I did the most research ever before i met you again. how to give a clit orgasm , trans porn, top surgery, bottom surgery, fucking buzz feed all to find you somewhere, but you weren't there, you were new born, fresh into this world, thats why it felt like a lie, its affects creep up on you and for a long time you are lying to the world and proving it and i knew so much yet i would blow on your skin and, nothing. as i see you then you were more of a man than ever so pushed into a box, as so much of it is, to parade something you cant even have the grasp of to explain, to someone, your grounding on this earth in a matter of facial muscles and sounds originating from the mouth and lines and lumps in the right place flattened down that could have restricted your breathing as we slept and i said how lovely your back was because you wouldnt take it off you. Wouldn't let me see you like that it could have killed you in your sleep left me kissing a dead back i cant I cant. So for a while I could have been your fairy. your keeper even your comforter i did not exist because you did not hold me back, give yourself to me and**** i asked you in the dark of night do you like being licked out, do you like getting oral sex, do you use dildos, where do you not want me to touch, i thought you didn't want me to put my mouth there because it was wrong, it was weird, overgrown stump of what a pearl was, oh how i was wrong and you loved it and i too, i thought you might want me to suck on that appendage that innocent bystander that plastic thing that was never asked if it wanted to go in the dark place alone with no light, want me to lick it and suck it and look up at you while i did it like in the films, cause i would have done anything to get you off, and i did, but you let me put the overgrown pearl in my mouth let me pull it and suck it and let it rithe in my mouth furry stubborn pearl rolling on the sea bed, under bed under my tongue it would grow and wither and chip into my head visions of another world where I had never been and we would have to take an underground river to get to.

i remember the night it happened in that small space we called a bed the squeaked and the heating sounded like it was having a hight pitched breakdown, i was going to party that was prom themed and dressed up with lipstick over my top lip and all around my mouth and a wig and a dress and the whole time i was getting ready i was thinking of it happening, i was terrified i was going to get it wrong, id never done it, what if i would never get it right cause it wasn't the right genital substance for me, what if it was embaressing and i would have to go home with my tail between my legs not a true lesbian, straight person, person of lesbian tendencies, individual or something, someone that could not give another person what they both wanted to be given. i dont know I really didn't know, all I knew was that i looked fucking brilliant, and no one else was dressed up as per usual, so fuck them, and it gave me that sense of brilliance that everyone is judging you and you dont care.

and now they tell me a changeling is an old fairy that takes the place of a human baby an old stubborn baby that clings onto life promising its youth to all those around it that makes more sense when i call you a changeling when i call you a changeling that has been swapped at birth if only you didn't have a belly button or you had two sets of eye lids, or a second skin, but you do have strange belly button piercing from another life well say its an alien marking it i like putting my finger in it so hairy and soft and i get stapled in the mind when i know you were a teenage girl, and it turns me on and it scares me you will see that in my eyes. it makes sense that the old fairy would have seen the land and its folds to have a sense of knowing the cradle is where it should reside for the rest of its days not shuffle along in the mud with fairy toes all wet. you told me to put my toes in the sand, it felt so wrong and like they were being licked that time, in Edinburgh, a large man in an animal state licked my toes and it felt so good i let go of everything, but it comes so natural to you , to look at the sea and see answers, im almost playing to your state so you feel more comfortable in your natural environment if i am repulsed. the way people do that sometimes in order to appease the other, was it unnatural for me not to be amazed, you do annoy me when you are that pure(goldstar). i look as if i have corrupted you from your chosen path, perhaps you will go back there someday, back to the beach and think of me and you'll be at home cause i wont be teasing you, you'll be done with London and its cruel ways to spit you out with all your teeth and dreams, ill sit up in my high castle and be cold because of the drafts, without my human blanket.  my cold winter feet.

and i want to have your children as long as they are fizzy and rough and have no part in the world they will become hardened to. i want there to be a way, a way that men with answers will give them to us and let me stop googling humiliating shit like can two eggs make a embryo, this is the age of fake news and i dont want to be a fucking victim. (of it) I want the soft place between us soft shell air socket between us to be full with potential and not lacking in our minds because of what ever we've been told needs to be there to build a life. i want it when i rub on the top of your clit, tiny boner, source, of rivers, slowly when you sit on me to really be you inside me or you transporting something in the air to me you don’t have to be inside me i am clever enough, imaginative enough to receive a wish of will. this way is better is better it is this way is better and better for me to lay my body on the sidewalk and shout for it to be this way ill disgrace myself to hold your hand.

its funny the words we use to communicate to each other i call you bitch and slag and squeal at you in the morning i shout in a mad face that the bombs are coming get down the bombs are coming and i tickle you and hit you when you dont hide your face into the cover, i like the helpless tickling noise, your gasping for air and your fucking smile is so framed in everything i could ever ask for. I think im like my dad like that when he screams little baby bird baby bird and picks you up like a child with the body of a huge 50 year old henry the 8th look a like. i dont want anyones approval but it hurts to know some soft states cant be translated into other states some things cant be grasped or explained.

we like to scream bitch after saying things because its like the cartoon rick and morty character who is the nightmare man, that was what got me through the break up and you lay on my lap as we watched, and i sunk my sad claws into that screen hoping the half an hour episodes would sink into one another and back into the whites of my eyes into my brain i could see us watching but i couldn't feel it, but the feeling was slowly coming back like after you burn your fingers with ice cream.

/

im sorry if you are hurt I had to do it i needed to be selfish well all die alone theres nothing more to say i couldn’t put it into words, i am scared of what is coming of the eyes of others im scared I will blame you for what i have doubts. you let me take you there i feel like the guy, there is no guy and I am becoming more comfortable in this position against your skin you can tell when people have copy and pasted ideas im self conscious of your knowing of my lust of your knowing of my want to penetrate you im conscious of my eagerness to do this and im conscious of what this could mean and could not. Im conscious of your body next to mine in the dark room im concious of the splinter in my finger im conscious i must be with out you. Im conscious of my memories past and how they build this encounter how i must hold back things from your view and bring others into the light but they are all there waiting to be shown it is for me to divide(decide). i am concious of you in the dark room when I see the man cry at the sound of a lovers voice from years past i feel the weight of his pain and i cry infant(infront) of you in the dark room full of people, they dont know this they dont understand like i have and i come out the cinema see the shadows of people in my way did they see what i saw i could not believe they were they they do not feel the same they are frauds, I make a swift exit to the toilet so as not to be taunted by these shadows, what is this face i see on leaving the huge and empty lonely *discabled toilet we blush at each other we know who the other is and cannot express the name of the other our mouths are forming round the name both struggling to admit this is happening(the other has a name) both blushing both full with what is delirium from all the crying shed in the dark room the evil son dark species feeder comes out the * bathroom to greet us he too is bleeding red blush and eyes and nose do twist and curve into some uncomfortable shape to fu/fill the space where words should be, and none of us can detect any.

you ask me how i did it. and i think of their mouths on each others genitals for a flash second as they stand close enough to kiss and i think better put that to bed my love. you ask me what did i do. She's taller than I thought im a fucking child a well mannered fucking child the fact my face has been near a dick makes you want to slit my throat, but i cut my tongue off and gave it to you for christmas. i say i sucked my fingers and put them places, and all i want to do is feel and to be shown the different avenues of experience. Im sorry i made that gesture people did it at uni those cuts across the arm in the air a razor blade wiped clean every time wrapped up and hidden in a draw like a battle field my love like a war torn landscape. i fucking hate those people i dont know i could strangle them for their inanety for their very wretched existence on this planet.

of the splinter in my finger at close glance microscopic slow motion as a pick it from my finger and its still sore is there still something in there i will never get out i will always copy in my actions to others be a wooden

fuck the egg fuck the egg fuck the egg and they were all so strange and i was so strange in their company as i am in the meetings of strangers it it where i find myself i find myself there it is my true self when i making things up and there is an atmosphere not yet made but worth polluting and his mother was dying and he saw a drag queen make an omelette and i made my excuses from my lack of anything and you were on a chopping board waiting to be chopped and i was in the hill in the suburb of my mind in my fear of the rape of the suburb and my filming of the fish in the shop window in the night of the suburb* and my mothers words were strong and definite this is something that will affect you and you are lost i am lost lost lost i know it was a losing game to say it was what i could handle was funny and I was laughing as i tried

filming things to take back to you of my existence the evidence of my existence and the world that you could not see. parcels of light

so poorly filmed camera angles all blushing with love

Id love to have been there in that moment, frying pan on the go, quite allot of fat, like chicken breast, must be nice to eat feed someone something from your own body. penis

im sorry i was full when you wanted to fuck me. Tomorrow we are going to dinner with your family, i will have to behave like i have to, no hands under the table touching you as we eat, it will be hot, suffocatingly hot and ill have to concentrate on what i am eating not eating you

did i hurt you did i make you bleed? i wish id recorded our conversation, and ill have to read this book again and again as its urgency describes the urgency for us to be described. You said it made you open that those boundaries were closed for so long, you've been alive for a long time, no ones ever been in there no person or thing, you must really like me, for letting you do that, my bodies like what are you doing things dont go in there only come out, whats that we like it, oh i suppose we should give it a try. its not something i can describe yet this feeling of you opening up to me, i knew all along you would like it. it makes me drowsy watching you getting turned on suffocating under my hand, you want it and im going give it to you im gonna take it away and put it back in , im touching you where you've never been touched it might as well not existed you didn't exist before this moment soft in my hand and wriggling in my fist, im holding you there i wont let you go ill give you everything you want to get there ***im deep inside you i can feel your pain that something has expanded and been washed away with the penetration and skin on skin that soft place between your hip and lower thigh that could still be a babies limb(thigh) that night i spoke to a butch about being a bottom and she told me sex is just looking at someone just imagining things are there that aren’t and everyone gets fucked in every hole and space that wants it when you have not spent your life in the corners of others peoples eyes ducking from sight and fucking, would you have put things inside yourself when you were younger did you just bleed and then stop and then bleed and then stop did your blood stain the sheets did you feel like a hole like an opening to be spread across the floor and sucked from someones fingers(in a jar), to be spread across the floor, did your dad smile at you and tell you not to have seconds did he have seconds is he an asshole does he think about your vagina swelling as it does with the months of injecting vials  T /of pleasure/ straight to the blood supply supplying an ever growing (cock) clitoris, you said id fucked you into a coma, i want you to sleep in my lap all day, you cried and my hands were wet when i put them on your face, your got my cheeks wet you fucker (asshole) i was saving them for a rainy day, you said you lived on one floor you said 2 women lived in your house that were sisters and never spoke did your blood stain the walls did your blood stain the walls can i eat it can i lick it from your wounds when we fuck with the jock strap on and its covered in blood it makes me think of your blood and if there was a gash between your legs a severing you apart if you will fall apart and break in half and stain the floor as i drag you across the room , can i lick it from your wounds your soft and gutteral wounds so soft like petal flesh someones cut them and theyre bleeding from your plastic appendage theres blood on your clit but im sucking it, still blood there.,wont let me inside cause of the invisible blood there, it will be there for a while trickling down, the war on your body, the thighs of a child, i touched you in a place you hadn't heard of hadn’t translated into the language coudlnt understand the cuts dont like holes skin didn't prick pickle, ulcerus skin would let anything in barriers up it hurt me when i wasn't allowed in felt like heteronormativity without the pain of boredom but a line not to be crossed but things not to be stroked or kissed or licked let me hold you in the night now I've held you and broken you and something floats inside me if only they were to know, could you be pregnant with my wanting ?

have you been spending allot of time with your parents because you know they are going to die soon, i am lonely, i need to spend more time alone, it makes you more lonely when you cant remember the last time you were alone i really would’nt know who i was if i got married now.

i like fucking you in the ass, it really gets me off, really gets me off, really turns me on really makes me want to be inside you inside your whole core cant

i am dancing in slow motion to your voice, i am filming myself dancing in slow motion to your voice, i am cutting something up while listening to your voice, i running round in circles listening to your voice, i am on the floor crying listening to your voice, i am holding myself tightly listening to your voice, I am shouting over the sound of your voice trying to make myself louder, i am hungry for you voice, i am ashamed by the space between us, i am hungry for your voice, I am holding a floor/flower for your voice, i am listening to your voice drunk with my fingers in my ears, i am drinking shots to the sound of music timed listening to your voice,- man be cool i am frying an omelette listening to your voice, i am feeling everything listening to your voice, i am feeding an audience member listening to your voice, i am surprised by myself listening to your voice, i am masc for maSCC listening to your voice, i am hoping you wont leave listening to your voice, i am wanting to throw things away listening to your voice, i haven't decided listening to your voice, i am miming along listening to your voice, i am copying you listening to your voice, i am speaking very slowly listening to your voice, i am oily listening to your voice

a happy accident might be to faint on the tube and on coming round see your face, i find there is a null space between writing of words and the performance it is to panic that one is not right that one is not enough to parallel the other, to say that what comes first what is the purpose of the speaking, how much effort should the speaking be to counteract the writing, did the writing come from an improv, how does one improv on their own, I will just have to talk to myself for the rest of my life, no the improv comes from an exercisee, starting small and fun and exploring it, not know or worrying as to where it might go, the same with writing, do you start with a goal in mind, well sometimes you have an objective but you go on a journey to get there and no decision is wrong just a manifestation from your head, nothing you could ever do if it was honest would be wrong honesty is the best policy but that doesnt mean you cant be honest and also be deceitful, be lying and be honest, be lying honestly, be copying honestly, it is a mixture of lies and truth this is performance, to use ones body as the bericle to which you tell the story or the thoughts from your brain just your very existence not he stage is radical enough, to even say one word or blink would be radical enough…

i am sad i think my father is lonely i cant see him now but can here his soft rummaging and weird noises down stairs he can scream like a mad man and is always performing his mad man routine which might infact be his personality, but like me he is just pushing the boundaries and likes to piss people off and make them feel uncomfortable, so it is sometimes hard to tell the difference, I am sad he is lonely because i cannot see him but i can hear him coughing now, and in the night, i can hear him snoring through the floor boards and i can see the snor s coming up through the air like fluffy grey clouds or waves, i am sad that he is lonely i cannot see him but i can see a dark blue space punctured with lights and that is what downstairs looks like until i go downstairs and i can see its real walls and light fixtures and i know this is the real corners not the dark corners, i think he is lonely as he asked me to go to the corner shop to get him a beer a Stella Artois and I am sad because i did not get it for him and now he is coughing he is in the sarcoughaus of the house he is under my feet i feel i am selfish i only speak to him when i want things i wish adults weren't so useless and they could tell you what was wrong like a plant or a shoal of tuna feels like stabbing in the dark into a shoal of fish trying to understand him

when I woke up i thought about your genitals how they might be wet on my face, i turned over and felt my body on the mattress, I thought had you ever done this, you never touched it when you wanked, you still dont unless you with me and were in the moment. i had a pervading fear you might leave me for another man, I watched men from your eyes, seeing them as unconquered land as something you had not tried never been touched by a man in all your years, apart from that hand job with your guitar teacher, i thought i hate that woman, i woke from a sleep of her me telling you couldn't watch it, it angered me too much, i couldn’t watch it was sickening and her fucking face i could cut it open

Soft wet thing doesnt make sense pear shaped blossom and soot covering the sides urinal polished unforgetting is it to touch another in your future, basin of doubt my mouth alludes me it goes to what has come before

(without sentence structure just using simile and metaphors and free writing compairison to do this )

I had another dream about someone else, i feel dirty im gonna have a shower, im scared your gonna change im scared your gonna leave me for another man, im scared of you have a life without me, i keep having dreams about her, every night, do i want to fuck her or am i taunted by her, im taunted by her by a past life of mine, she came to greet me and she had candy floss hair i looked a mess everyone was there and we went out and left everyone i just left for her pleasure

i get paid to be sensitive in the sensitive spot the wind touches my ankles and there nothing to do in the plain sight the pain sigh the plain sight that moves me i woke up with blurry vision am i going blind, i woke up and what i could see yesterday i can no longer see before i feels good to hold your self down to be fLat and shiny and full of a heart and skin and blood underneath to know a cut would open you up so easily to fail in the dirt failing to use your limbs to fall bewildered to go outside for once in your life have you been outside today have you have been outside today no so dont hurt me again with your stale cavity

you would growl at the man in the shop selling us peaches didn't know he had a tremor terret,s to growl not ideal for a corner shop being the only light in a dark world dark street moon time peach buying and it upset me and i thought of myself as a small child all small and childlikee as a small child when kids took it too far and you shrivelled up into your self, its when your alone with your pain, snowball in the eye water dripping from you eye in alone with myself for hours, all hazy in the background, background noise, sharp aliveness alive sadness with he dirty snow dripping from my eye or glass that i sat on, the worst would be to be maimed she said , to be maimed  would be the worst, to be maimed she said would be the worst, it was only a peach pit in my skull, but you wouldn’t want a 12 inch knife in your stomach sternum would you no you wouldn’t, a peach pit stone cutting the sides of your head off, shaving an inch from yours skull, its skill to laugh again after the impact, i felt child child again, plight of the hill and the peach pit in my brain it sunk in made its self known to me, known that it would not venture out, somewhere else a man was being cut open, known to me it would not venture out, it would not venture out and to expect something of the thing before it reaches its thing hood is foolish to expect something fo the thing is foolish, is foolish when a peach pit has embedded itself into its skull sorry to be a senstitve being, sentiive in the cool of the night air, as we cross the road to avoid cars we think might kill us, where everything is the height of the wind as the rain is about to fall, as temperaturee falls, it stayed with us all night, that stone worked its way out (but that stone did not work its way out)

shouting from a place of honesty, to unravel it would take its secrets away, it was a sigh in the mind, it was my sweat on your forehead, it was something happening far away, it was that peach pit of cruelty

why did i keep eating them bending lower and lower to my fait. my knees are the first to go, too weak for what they will

its when your alone with your pain, glass in my upper thigh near the places you choose to be cut open, involuntarily penetrated and loneliness is death and i have a scar there and its when your alone with your pain

, an men described as mediateranine colouring what ever the fuck that means hindered bodies with

i am so angry at you i am gone with anger I am gone i could have made the thing and blasted it into your face i could have made the thing and blasted it into your face watever you fucking cunt go lick the dogs arse i hate you and your fucking cuffling laugh and the way you look at me when you disapprove maybe i need to be more accepting thats my fault but i could hit you right you you fucking sucker go lick the dogs arse shut up ill say goodbye and not kiss you how do you like that if only it didn't fold back on me you /dont know me at all you are fitting things into the past what you used to say what you used to think you dont actually think that anymore dont let the shit they say grind you down thats a cliche go lick the dogs arse I am full with so many voices and none of them are yours  you sucker go lick the dogs arse the words you say are empty vaccums i do things for you im self entitled i want to get it wrong i do things for you im self entitled i want to get it wrong i want to be excited instead im scared i want to get it wrong go lick the dogs arse

i couldn't hate you for long, but did you hate me forever, soaking up my life, is this sharing is this toll sharing, does it hurt you too,

it comes from the soul

wind hots the window suds like a bee dying

duality of eggs and blood

Bred into my womb

to find the details and tell your story

a film from my perspective as a stalker to you

hey fossil fuel, dirty ribena, slime mould, sea potato, Ursula le Guin, get in my mouth please peasant testicle tentacle put you to sleep eat you to your heart, peace be with you, bible passage for your grandma, Eccles cake for you pegging, naked with a cap on, dim light of the room a memory not to be forggoten and then i devoured you and then i devoured you and then i devoured you and then i devoured you cherry pip cherry core cherry cherry sticks and cherry more. Lychees at the cinema a hidden satsuma grapefruit lips fruit is expensive

im worried my dad only exists in my kitchen

im proud that you told them there is something else a Zara sales assistant wouldnt get it you were trying to tell her there was a void in the floor that she could fall into this gaping hole sucking the air out the room just a dash from razor on someones face wouldnt tell it to them straight give them enough warning of their ignorance there was a hurricane a whirlwind approaching she better get her fucking brolly - probably sum it up in one sentence.

into a massive void that was shaking all the

in those slow motion moments under the lights as the corners of your body touched mine tacky red paint and screaming

in that surreal slow motion

the less im with you the more I hate you for not sugaring my existence

Iit will all pass so grab it now

it was your gold star!!

my hands smell like celeriac but this morning they smell of your scent from inside your thighs where the humming birds sing, where i laugh at our fathers for not knowing we have that scent on our fingers as we talk to them

Ilike that man who kept getting ups nd putting his hat back on

when your full with cum and adrenalin you cant feel the pain

the metaphors the rising cultures

i am funny and you are funny and in the end i think its all going to be okay

to make a real effort to smile and not put my hands under the table.

the smell of cigarettes Monday morning

do they mix the ashes and dead bodies with the food

seeing that fruit stall and thinking that was where you were mine but i was not yours

i was your baby and i used to suck your chin

Never yours

Theres a man bow legged and he's walking, did his mum know not to wrap him round her chest like that so his legs would grow in the shape of her love and rib cage

the ground is lavender, looks like lichen, bluebells maybe just floating above the grass, a hat, a bonnet of flowers

i pass blisets where the man speaks in burps

throat cancer has made him funny without realizing

we walk along and our our knees in the right place?

we use sticks, we use plastic wheeled things, i am late, we use stealth, accents and alter egos, i channeled into a man selling big issue suddenly i am Liverpudlian so he recognises me as his own and forgives me for no money

she grows it but it looks better short

im late and bins line the pavement

i woke up in shock this morning and apologised in my sleep

Reeds

they will cut it off soon

film haircut march poem pics love

funny watch

even though can is hilarious

i fancy people who look like they've been found under a rock.

i rip my hair our its pieces

i am holding back

from every circle of my life

shame theres no poppies just unruly black hairs vying for attention

my love

not in our forehead or fingers

it is your ex girl friend

in awe of all the others creatures

i saw a bird with a ketchup packet

to call to each other reference each other tell each other things that are subconscious or just things. I call you bitch, the source, trans jelly, lichen, kitten , chicken tikka masala, midlands, it goes on. Im a rabbit in your keeping your your so small, smaller than me.

i hear you are on quest is that true? and you were born this morning, how is the world treating you? Im going to tell you some truths about the world.. have you learnt about hot and cold yet? Christmas trees have very short lives, sometimes the sun shines too much and you go red, you like icecream, you also like the beach and walking with your shoes off, you really like steak, cartoons and you are very kind.

the reason i cant really talk very clearly is because i have cut my tongue out and given it to you as a present.

I cut your tongue off and gave it to you for christmas.

ill cut an old woman face off and lay it in mine and scream like a goddess in battle as we sit on the tube cutting a mans head off with the slight of a blink in my fantasy that could be real if you will it.

if i had a 3d printer

i take you and i raise you to the highest peaks, dont bring us down.

and not spunk.

Middle ages people with their politics and booze that nor really fair i like them allot and they've livedI

as we have discovered a whole new worl

it feels great cause you know they are just particles of nothing and every part of your face is ——-gleaming.

boat to under the river where snails .

and ill nev

left me with a mound of flesh

for moths to come

my truth, my witty ex

Transface

Political nipples

Squirm

Beetle juice

Metamorphic

your such a tease

Tardigrade

[achanceforus-x-blog]

My story so far

I am writing this to hopefully raise awareness and shed some light on situations people ignore or dismiss. I want to help people no matter what their going through with my words , my wisdom and inspire and give my strength to anyone who feels they have none left. My story so far .. A few major things had happened in the years before hand (Ill save these stories for another time) causing my mental health to deteriorate (such a big problem in our generation, thats just kept so secretive) Feeling lost and deflated keeping quiet about all my problems , our problems keeping shit to myself. Feeling to breathless and anxious to even leave the house for work. Falling out with friends because I was weak they thought I was stupid for all Ive put up with, a toxic relationship. Me and my long term partner would just argue and fuss and fight for hours to the point of ultimate distress on both halves. Neither of us really knew what we wanted when you've been romantic with one person for so long it can get really crazy I believe noones a bad person though I believe people only do bad things and thats the stage we were at doing bad things. The physical altercations got to much for us both it seemed as though we were killing each other slowly. Who bruises someone they love? Who try's to hurt them with wicked words? Im so done been a wicked person but we both had a bad mental state and combined it was not pretty. I lived with him and his family in not the most comfortable environment this could also spark our disagreements. Working full time jobs, missing each other , no trust in each other , assumptions , we even thought it was acceptable to lay our hands on one another at some points which is never ok on either part male or female. So with all this been said what the hell was a girl to do I felt I couldn't go home to my mother as it had been to long I was kind of brainwashed id fantasise about the days I didn't have to stay at my partners family's house anymore. One day I just became exhausted the fighting became to much and I finally stopped provoking and reacting then we remembered we can talk to each other. So after about a week of exhaustion and finally getting along again I started not to feel myself even more we got drunk at a christmas party ( I had some time of work and got drunk every day since the 16th December until just after christmas to numb my issues ) but this time we both got drunk at the party and we started loving on each other again like we had before he made a silly comment about my belly and said I had a little him in there. Which we both just laughed off drunkly as I thought yeah impossible. This comment didnt leave my mind all night then when a still slightly drunk but a more sober me woke up that comment was the first thing on my mind. I asked him what the fuck he meant?! He said he was just drunk and playing with me. Then I started to think wait I havent been feeling right for awhile I put it down to just been sad. But something kind of clicked in me I felt sick and I turned to my partner and said omg you've gotta get me a test he looked puzzled but when I explained he went to the corner shop and came back with three tests. I was terrified not to lie , id been pregnant before when I was younger and that didn't end well as they couldn't find a heartbeat .. Pure dread came into my heart and pure fear I started to feel more sick and panicked than ever. What if I lost a baby again I already accepted the fact I couldn't carry nor could I get pregnant again after the damage left and the blood transfusions and all the struggles of the time before. I didn't even want to be a mother at all , or did I ? No not Atleast until I was like 30 or something id pushed all thoughts of ever been someones mother out of my head for a while as it was to painful. Ugh why me , why didn't we glove up why did it have to feel so good why why why and then to think I had been drinking and smoking. Shit. I stopped all these thoughts and quickly manned up and took all the tests to the bathroom. All positive. Shit. Id not long started a great new job though , I was really excelling and I dont wanna be a mother and surely history would repeat itself? Were the tests right? I cant even get pregnant can I? Ive been drinking so much and smoking, ive been so sad ive been getting into scraps with my partner how far gone was I? Had we scrapped when I was pregnant? Im trapped. So many thoughts I sat in the bathroom and just let out a deep breath. Im the strongest person I know lol or am I or do I just suppress shit and abuse substances to get over the way i felt ? Either way I felt strong I know im strong after everything id been through before in the past year let alone the past few years. Okay It is what it is man. Walked out the bathroom and handed my partner all the tests we looked at each other he widened his eyes then he smiled real hard probably the most he'd smiled at me in a long time, he was happy but he was worried because he to lost his baby when I did before. We both lost the baby. It was ours and now we were faced with that feeling once again omg were pregnant wtf to do?! Not to mention We found out on new years eve!! So all of our plans cancelled. Man if this wasnt the time for me to get drunk and high I dont know what was. So we left it for a few days. We agreed to rebuild ourselves and rebuild our friendship and then out relationship. We obviously still loved and cared for each other but we had to make a pact no more toxic mess not around my baby no way no how. No More drinking for me I told myself I also stopped smoking cigarettes I was the moodiest id been in a month or so withdrawal symptoms really aint the one. I found it extremely hard to stop getting high though truthfully that had been my addiction and coping mechanism for years I felt even more lost wondering what the fuck I was gonna do without getting high everyday after work after a busy day after just having to wake up. Truly exhausting. Still only me and my partner knew our secret whilst I struggled to come to terms with it. At work I had the worst morning sickness ever I wont post to much about this but my job included me having to be really hands on and alert at all times It was getting real tough. I needed to tell someone. I told my manager their reaction wasn't really what I needed I guess they felt I was deliberately(damn it took spell check along time to figure out wtf I was just tryna spell) deliberately ruining their business. Great. And more exhaustion and more morning sickness. I need my mom Yo. The next day I went to my moms house and just came right out with everything she was shocked , happy , scared because of last time of course. My darling mom man I missed her she reacted just how Id wanted her to by getting my shits together telling me I had to make decisions from now and ultimately booking me a private paid scan for the next evening to check everything was ok. Work on this day was the worst all I could think about was whether I was gonna see that little heartbeat or whether it would have stopped like last time, like last time like last time all i kept thinking was like last time. Jesus get me the fuck out of here It was going slow though because I was clock watching. Finally it was time to leave i was outta there in no time I felt so sick driving to the scan place we picked up my partner It was just us three I could tell my mom and him were terrified to but they were just tryna be happy and make me laugh but i literally couldn't even speak I just felt so weird , silence please until we get this over with. So we arrive at the place and I swear my feet stopped working and my legs like I couldn't even get out of the car, mom helped me. Okay this is it. There was like a ten minute wait for the sonographer it felt more like ten fucking hours. Id zoned anyway I didnt know what anyone was saying and if they were talking to me I wasnt listening, finally they called me. We got into the scan room and oh my life Ive never experienced fear like it I personally thought I was fearless nothing scared me but this did. My mom literally had to lift me onto the bed and pull up my top for the scan and then explain to the sonographer Id had a bad experience in the past. My partner looked at me and smiled but I could see past his smile I could tell he was fucking shit scared just like me so he came and held my hand she rubbed the cold jelly on my stomach and began to look around Id covered my eyes by this point cos in my head I thought well at least this time if theres no heartbeat I wouldn't have to see it. I heard people talking my mom , the sonographer , some other woman in the back supervising I just wasnt listening to what they were saying my mom stood up and took my hands from my eyes and said its okay look! I looked and there was my beautiful little bean with the strongest heartbeat ive ever saw the sonographer turned to me and said your only eight weeks so not far gone at all but they have a real strong heartbeat and so far everything looks fine. I just froze and started sobbing. My little bean I couldn't believe it they printed us some scan pictures and I prized myself up of their bed and we went back to my moms house on the way back I was sick all over myself in the car in my new tracksuit that was really something. A part of me just couldn't believe I had a living thing inside of me. Wow got to my moms house cleaned up and ate some food and we talked and we made decisions and I told her I didn't wanna be a mother and she told me really it was tough and I should of thought about it before I didnt use protection. Lol typical thanks mom though I needed that. So I should have been relaxed cos there was a heartbeat but all I kept thinking about was would they even make it another week inside me I really didnt believe I was capable of bringing another life into this world. She dropped us back to my partners families house were we lived and my partner told his family they were happy for us his mother especially. We sat in our bedroom and I just cried on him for abit then he made a spliff and I had a few drags ( I know its bad but try not to judge me ) id read marijuana could help with sickness . Yeah anything to make it sound better. Fast forward a little bit to a week or so and I had a couple of appointments at the hospital due to what had happened before they wanted to double check me and see if I was okay. My manager was not at all happy about how many appointments I was having constantly making sly remarks and comments giving me the silent treatment telling me I was causing them to have to find cover. My initial thoughts whatever trevor I'm still here still working still trying my best your the least of my worries and just ignored them and looked forward to going to bed as the exhaustion was unreal Id never felt a tiredness like it honestly. Fatigue. Back at my partners house him and his mother had had a few disagreements lately and then one night it got really bad and a lot of harsh things were said and eventually she told him he had till the end of the week to get out. What ! I was shocked where was I gonna go ? All pregnant and shit clearly I had to go with him I hadnt left his side at the best of times never mind staying somewhere he'd been kicked out of. Weird shit I made the split second decision and told him lets leave now we grabbed a few bits we needed for the next couple days and left right there and then. Where we gonna go !? My partner asked I didnt even know I just knew I didnt wanna stay there any longer. I called my mom and briefly explained she didnt have a clue what I was talking about it was half eleven at night and everyone had work early in the morning she just said yes then we turned up at her house at midnight , a couple of lost puppies like hey. She just made sure we were okay we'd ate and we had somewhere to sleep with all her blankets and pillows. Fast forward a little bit I really wanted to move into our own place so I started saving over half my wages for the next two months and just stacking up buying things for the place we found , he was saving to , we'd saved more money then than in our whole lives , I mean it seemed real easy I wasnt buying bottles of alcohol all the time I wasnt buying cigarettes I wasnt buying weed no clothes cos I figured id just grow out of them soon anyway so my money was literally untouched so saving and buying household goods was all me for the next few weeks. I wasnt happy but I was at peace. We viewed a flat and I knew it was the one man I just didnt think we stood a chance as it was in a posh area and quite expensive and we were not posh and you know how landlords would stereotype a young black couple so I really began to give up hope of finding somewhere. But then they called and told us the place was all ours and we could come and collect the keys in two weeks I was so happy we were happy, it felt like things were finally gonna go right. The day before I was due to move in my manager dismissed me unfairly due to pregnancy discrimination. It didn't come as much of a shock because of all the shit id put up with them since telling them I was pregnant, but I couldnt believe people could actually do this stuff to people. It was disgusting I was so mad and now breaking down because I didnt even know if id be able to afford to live in our beautiful new home. All the stuff we'd brought and I didnt wanna be a young mom living in at my mothers house it was all just to much once again I manned up and realised I had alot of savings and still had another wage to come my way and some unpaid holiday so I was going to be okay until that ran out. Of course my partner works hard and he could pay everything but that is not something I wanted either so I made sure to even out my savings to last until the summer by then id be receiving maternity pay anyway. I was terrified for the 12 week scan as alot of pregnancies dont make it to the 2nd trimester all I could think about was what I had lost before I just couldn't accept anything good would happen for me so once again sick and nervous I went to my next scan and there it was again a beautiful little heartbeat , so strong and the way they were wiggling about in me on the scan I still just could not believe it more scan photos were given and I left feeling abit happier once again still filled with terror and worry. I began to wonder whether or not id ever be able to enjoy been pregnant and if it was even worth it worth putting on the fake smiles every day worth looking at my changing body going from been super underweight hardly , controlled eating basically not eating at all - when I was sad cos It was the only thing I felt I had control over , to having no choice but to eat constantly all the time even through all the horrible morning sickness that FYI doesnt just fucking occur in the mornings. Ugh. Whatever. I have no choice for me pregnancy felt horrible its a really weird experience I didn't understand how women skipped about with their big bellies all happy and excited cos I was not happy or excited I loved my baby of course but It filled me with dread to think I could be growing them but never get to meet them again I just was not prepared for this at all and Im twenty years old. Isnt that old enough? Hell no. But theres nothing I can do. Fast forward 16 weeks pregnant and received news you can pay for a private scan to reveal the gender. So basically to put it blunt I thought everytime I had another scan I wouldnt see the babies heartbeat sounds paranoid and ridiculous and surely after three scans id calm down . Nope it got worse for me. So of course I wanted to find out the gender but for me it was just another way to see if the baby was still alive in me. The day of my gender scan I actually had an appointment with the midwife to listen to the heartbeat. So i went into that terrified as well my midwife knew how scared I was and dealt with me really nicely she eased me into it and then I heard my beautiful baby's heartbeat for the first time. Oh my God it was shocking I felt breathless I was listening to my baby's heartbeat. (Ive just noticed excuse my poor grammar throughout I never liked school lol) but that heartbeat the most special thing to me its all I could think about. Then in the evening when it came to my private scan I was still terrified at finding their heartbeat even though id heard it literally a few hours before! It was then that I realised I actually had a real problem. But whatever suppressed that again and readied myself for what they were saying in the scan. So I brought along my sister my dad my mom my partner and my bestfriend as you were paying you could have five people in the room lol. This if your highly nervous I wouldnt recommend they were all so excited and happy I just couldnt figure out how they were so excited and happy whilst I was miserable and terrified. So on the scan table the cold jelly again and then the sonographer started to feel around I covered my eyes again of course like I did every scan then got the all clear that there was a heartbeat then started to watch it was beautiful I couldnt get over the fact a little human was inside my belly so weird so magical wow. The sonographer asked so do you want to know the sex my family were all like wooo yeahh I didnt say anything just half heartedly smiled all of a sudden then sonographer told me its a girl!!! Oh my God. I had a little girl growing inside me a mini me. I sobbed abit again. Unreal my very own little daughter. So overwhelming that I actually started to feel really upset thats another thing about been pregnant these raging hormones noone warns you about this stuff I swear. So we were having a little girl (something my partner had said all along) and I was still not happy. I started to feel really selfish and bad. I explained I felt lonely I dont know how when I wasn't alone but it was just not a great feeling at all I really needed help I started to act irrationally and like an emotional wreck I definitely needed to accept some help so a week or so later I spoke up and was referred to a mental health midwife. Which to me sounded dramatic as fuck. But cos id struggled with mental health before it was something they had recommended anyway but stubborn old me didn't take the help. But now it was official I was dealing with antenatal depression like a constant feeling of impending doom I just couldn't be happy ever again could I? At Least not until my daughter was in my arms. I dont do talking or taking sad pills I couldn't drink I couldn't get high or control my eating like before not to mention I couldnt just have the maddest sex session either as I was scared that would harm my baby to. Ugh. I couldn't do nothing man because I was pregnant so my stress went straight to my head all everyone kept saying was dont stress you'll stress out the baby. Like really thank fuck you just said that never thought of that before. I literally couldnt listen to people and their stupid comments I just tried to accept they were trying to help and whatever they were saying was in my best interest. Okay Now this is were my story so far gets real fucked up. Ive been trying to think how to word this since before even starting to write this. Writing it in my head over and over but this is were it gets really personal to me. We're almost up to the current point in my story so far to. So 19 weeks pregnant I am terrified (surprise) for my next scan next week, its the 20 week scan it looks at your baby and your inside properly in abit more detail and sees if things are forming the way they should with the baby and with the umbilical cord, the placenta, the sack of fluid baby is in just all sorts of things. So of course im fearing the worst noone gets why I always fear the worst but I did it before been pregnant anyway so now im pregnant it just made it that bit worse for me. Im showing now by the way got a right little belly going on lol my moms started with a baby box , little socks her first teddy , a couple outfits she even managed to convince me to buy my little girl something I brought her some girly dinosaur baby grows as Id never saw dinosaurs for girls before and I loved it. So this beautiful little baby girl box. I looked through now and again and I wouldnt say I got used to been pregnant but I started to feel her little movements her little swimming and butterfly movements in my tummy so as much as Id tried to stay detached incase of any loss I was attatched whether I liked it or not. My baby girl. I pictured what shed look like , where id take her , what me and my partner would be like with a baby and what a daddy he would be. Holidays with her and just the rest of my life with her. My saviour she'd even made me able to forgive my partner and to care a lot less about the silly little things in life when I think about it she's the only reason Id found a way to want to live again, like she'd given me a purpose like I didnt need to have my eating disorders anymore or get high or get drunk all I needed was to feel her move. I dreamed about kissing and feeling her skin for the first time, I just couldnt believe id been given the opportunity from God to bring one of his angels onto the earth. Had me really in my feelings and thats not me at all. Crazy shit. Anyway back to the scan. Im 21 weeks and 3 days now and its the day of my scan to see if everything's okay me and my partner are nervous of course but im with my mom and him again and there telling me everything's gonna be fine and I just need to chill out. So we get into the scan I cover my eyes once again and then the doctor tells me theres a heartbeat , a strong heartbeat. so I open my eyes and start to look his scanning all over explaining what he can see so far then he goes quiet and starts to scan the same place over and over again, her heart. So I just get a feeling somethings wrong. A single tear comes out my eye and I just lye on the bed waiting for him to say something to give me some information , finally he says im just going to get a second opinion. Thanks for all that info Dr fucking who. My mom and my partners faces they look so sad , so sad for me for them for us all man we dont understand whats going on were just waiting for them to say something more. Two doctors come in the room and scan her heart again shes wriggling all over the place at this point sucking her thumb , waving her arms. I just cant look at the screen anymore I cant bring myself to look at her. The doctor says im so sorry but we suspect she has hypo plastic left heart syndrome, well fuck me. From when he said im so sorry I just couldnt breathe again I didnt even know what the fuck he meant but im scared and im upset and im desperate. My partner looks so sad to. I just feel so bad I just want to apoligize to everyone I just dont understand why I cant do this one thing a women's supposed to do. So the doctor gives us some notes and refers us to a fetal medicine scanner to confirm the diagnosis. Basically the left side of her heart hadn't formed properly he told us what to look at online and what to read etc. I just couldnt believe it. I felt like a fool for ever believing something good could happen for me for us. So we left thinking we had nothing left. I had already started grieving and she wasnt even gone! I was grieving like she was though I just lost all hope. Reading up on the syndrome it means she will need open heart surgery at just a few hours old, then another open heart surgery at around 7 months if she was even to make it through the first op. Then another open heart surgery at 2/3 years old. Then eventually a heart transplant as her heart will never work like a normal heart and it can never be fixed. Well ill be damned. I spent the next few days until the fetal medicine scan breaking down in the shower and staying in bed anything I was doing included bed I didnt wanna leave bed I didnt wanna talk to anyone I was defeated. I couldn't bring myself to go into the room with that damn baby box. Fetal medicine scan day. Which are more skilled doctors sonographers that specify in looking at problems and confirming them. By this point id given up been scared before the scan as I was scared everyday. Waking up was like hearing the diagnosis all over again because as soon as I opened my eyes I would remember. So the doctors scanned and it was confirmed hypoplastic left heart syndrome my poor baby girl thinking of everything shes gonna have to deal with. How long would I know her? If I got to know her at all would she even survive the first op? Second? Third? What the fuck. Why me? Why me and my baby Im a good person Ive done a few bad things but ive dealt with more bad Jesus why me ? Did I really not deserve a break I just couldnt believe my luck. They offered me three options. Termination. Which I considered for a little while as I believed it would hurt less if I lost her now than loosing her when Id met her. Is it better to have loved and lost or to have lost and never loved? What kind of shitty statement is that I dont even know what to think anymore. I decide if shes still fighting then I have to fight with her I cant just give up hope for my baby girl. So cancel out that option. Next. They offer the three stages of the operations but thats not including any complications and operations to fix anything else that goes wrong oh and also my baby has to weigh over 5 pounds to be able to have these operations anyway and cant have any chromosomal issues such as down syndrome or Edwards syndrome then they really cant operate at all and nature just has to take its way. And the last option was compassionate care so when my baby's born they help us plan the funeral and give us extra support. To me all these options were fucked the fuck up and I just didnt want to have to choose any of them. We had like a week to make a decision until we met with the cardiologist who would explain my little girls problems in more depth as every baby is different of course and look in depth at her little heart. See if it was even possible to operate how much damage was actually done. Well fuck me. I seriously didnt even know this condition existed and neither did my family and friends. I couldn't help but just feel grief and defeat. But as long as my daughter kept fighting I knew that I was going to so we picked the second option deciding to go through with the operations if that was a possibility for her. Appointment over. I couldnt even bring myself to look at my stomach that night truth be told i couldn't even look at myself at all. I just felt like a failure If i couldn't do this what could I do? I thought about how my life will never be the same ever again as most babies take up to three months to leave the hospital if they even get to at all how much we'd have to be in the hospital for the rest of her life. Weve been dealt some real shit cards. Cant I just give her some of my heart? Cant my partner give some of his heart? We would give her anything she needed. Not possible. Ive tried to think of how to explain the next week to you guys but its impossible to put into words for me it felt like been in a box in the deepest point of the sea and seeing a random submarine in the distance but if you try to scream to get its attention you'd drown. Although that comparison is shitty because nothing could compare to the way I was feeling. Grief pure grief and heart break, I didnt know why God kept testing me but I also didnt want to question him. Cardiologist appointment arrived and in we went again to check over our baby. So her little heart is underdeveloped and the right side is doing everything for the left side. Everything else looks fine her growth is normal and her movements. The biggest problem though her heart. Now there are four severe things that could be wrong with her heart adding to her syndrome meaning she is unable to have the operation and she only had one of them. Her areola a small vaule to the heart was only 1mm big which will make it harder for the surgeons performing her operation. So it makes a high risk operation even more high risk. Then the cardiologist started coming at us with statistics and they sounded real shit , any hope I'd had left she knocked it the fuck out of me. Information overload I just couldnt believe what I was hearing still all I kept thinking about was how long we're going to know her for I mean we still dont know what were dealing with properly until shes here anyway all we know is she has a 25/75 chance of survival with the op . And a even lower chance without the op. So much to take in. We were told a charity named little hearts matter would get in touch with us and that we could go and visit parents or surviving babies after the op and then we would go and have a look at the children's hospital where our baby will be transported to straight after birth ( I wont even get to hold her until after the op ) blah blah blah just more words that hurt and I just wanted to get into bed. Left that appointment feeling worse than when we went in. I cried a hell of alot that night to in the shower were I felt I could just sit with the freezing cold water hitting me trying to wake me up out of this emotional daze I had dropped into. I went a walk and contemplated just jumping into the moving traffic so me and her could just be free together in a better place. No I refuse to sink. After that I realised most people my age could not put up with half the stuff I've been through hell people twice my age couldn't. I remembered I was super strong (more so than ever before) and that my daughter was just as strong as her mommy. The next day we spoke with the charity and now theres a lovely lady who calls me to see if were okay and how baby's doing. And I have more hope than ever I believe everything is going to be okay in the end and God only tests his strongest people. My baby girl is my will to live and she keeps me strong and she now kicks me real hard every single day her daddy feels and sees her kicks and so do my family and friends. She's so beautiful and strong im now 25 weeks and waiting on more scans I have to have one every two weeks and endless appointments monitoring her. Im a high risk pregnancy but I'm okay for the first time in a while and whenever I have a down day and cry a little my baby makes sure to kick me so I know she doesnt want her mommy to be sad. Dont get me wrong nothing is cured certainly my despair and broken heart for her broken heart, some days I feel like I can take on the world and anything it throws my way and other days I cant imagine loosing my little darling , it really hurts not knowing how long I may know her for. But I just have to accept life is an amazing gift no matter how short or long. And although I'm to young to be dealing with all this shit I'm making it my mission to deal with all of this shit just for my girl. And I hope to raise awareness on alot of issues raised in my post. Ill be writing more when the times right and thankyou for listening x https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1700345300267324&id=1696783053956882 https://www.betterhelp.com/start/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_m&utm_term=mental+health+helpline_p&utm_content=41730113956&network=g&placement=&target=&matchtype=p&utm_campaign=384715930_mobile&ad_type=text&adposition=1t1&gclid=CK7R9-e03tMCFcy37QodO20LaA&gor=start-go&fv=d http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/mental-health-helplines.aspx https://www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/antenatal-depression http://mensadviceline.org.uk https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/ My story so far ! .. Stay tuned. #mentalhealth #awareness #littleheartsmatter #speak #useyourvoice #love #follow #strong #pleaseread #story