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marilynthornhilllover · 2 years ago

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Larissa weems x fem!reader

Name: " when the pain cuts you deep"

Warning: indecent language, depression, insecurities, self hatred,panic attacks, childhood trauma, low self esteem, FLUFF.

Request: hey darling! Can I request a sad reader x larissa please! Also can it be based off the song remedy from adele, including some stuff like depression, insecurities, self hatred,childhood trauma, anxiety, panic attacks, low self esteem etc rissa comes home to r crying in the bathroom saying shes not good enough and no one cares about her. BUTS LOTS OF FLUFF FROM RISSA!! I kbow that you would use your imagination and make this into art BTW i love your fanfics keeping working magic and have a good day!!

A/n: thank you darling!! And I hope your doing well just know that your gonna be ok :)

○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○

Growing up you had a pretty fucked up childhood. While other kids were busy being happy and playing with toys you were busy being miserable and suffering. Depression is something everyone can relate to. Either it be serious or not.

We all faced a time when we once questioned our existence on earth. You've been a broken child growing up. And because of that it destroyed many of your relationships. Because people didn't know how to cope and relate to you mentally.

But when you met larissa that all changed. You first met her at a conference meeting. That's when she helped you with through your first panic attack in public. After that the both of you got really close.

Larissa was always gentle with you. Never pressured you. Never belittle you, underestimated you, made you feel scared, lonely, hurt, nothing that people would normally make you feel.

You always thought that you weren't capable of loving. But the day larissa proposed to you would forever be a eternal memory to you. It's been 5 years now, and you haven't regret a thing.

♧

Larissa knew when you didn't come to hug her at the door when she came home something was wrong. Big time. Fear rushed over her as panic filled her body, as she called your name once and didn't get a response. " darling? Where are you, I'm home" she said running up the stairs to the second floor.

She heard you. Your quiet sobs of pain. Her heart immediately shattered. She hated seeing you hurt so much. Especially when she knows sometimes she can't help. You just have to get over it yourself in your own time. In your own space. Which she highly respected.

She gently knocked on the door causing you to jump from inside. You were so lost in yourself you didn't even hear her come home. " baby you ok?" She asked voice dripping with care and love but hasten with worry. You sniffed as you pulled in a cold long breath.

" Yes but I'll be out soon" you said barely getting it out before you broke down into tears again. As much as you wanted to be alone in your shit you wanted to be in her embrace. With her soothing words of affection. Her soft touch, her kisses. Oh you wanted it all.

You always hated physical touch but larissa was different. Far different. Her touch was magical. And you hated pushing her away when she so desperately wanted to help you.

" my love you can't hide forever, dont do this to yourself please" she whispered the last word coming painfully. She sat on the ground on the other end of the door. You pulled your knees closer to your chest and placed your head on them. You couldn't face yourself and now you couldn't face her. You've been here a million times before.

And she was always there every step of the way. So why are you shutting her out now? Why the distancing. It was the self doubt again. The little demon in your head telling you no one loves or care about you. That's what it was, larissa thought to her self.

" What's troubling my dove?" She asked voice soft as ever. She really was meant for you. You couldn't help the sobs. When she asked you the question your heart suddenly gaved out. You suddenly had the urge to tell your lover everything.

You slowly opened the door. Larissa immediately stood to her feet taking a good look at you. Puffy eyes, messed up mascara, messy hair. Her heart ached at the sight of you. It seriously broke her heart to see you in such state.

" I don't feel like I'm good enough for anything or anyone rissa, not even for you. I hate myself, I'm always messing things up. I dont wanna hurt anyone. I wanna let go riss" you said voice breaking. Soon the tears came flooding your eyes and cheeks again.

"Oh honey" she cooed as she pulled you into her arms. "Let it out" she whispered, placing your face into her neck. You cried harder. Her grip around tighten as she was trying to get you as close to her as possible. She allowed you to cry and cry til you couldn't anymore.

You became numb to the pain.

♧

After larissa gaved you a bath she placed you in bed. She got dressed into something more comfortable and took her place beside you on the bed. For a while there was completely silence. You stared into the room avoiding eye contact with her.

You could feel her staring at you. "Baby" she whispered cupping your face in her hands. You melted into her touch, whimpering at the sensation.

" look up" she whispered and you did just so, as soon as your eyes met her gaze she kissed you softly. You didn't have the energy to kiss back so you just let her do all the love and affection. Her soft lips against yours was always a feeling you would never get tired of.

You moaned into her mouth as she deepened the kiss. This is what you loved most about larissa. She could take all your pain away in a instant. Make you feel safe. Important.

" why didn't you tell me the feelings were coming back?" She asked proceeding to leave kisses all over your face. You pulled away from her eyes meeting her gaze. " I didn't want to burden you with unnecessary things" you whispered looking away from her.

She immediately brought your gaze back to hers. " y/n you are not a burden and your feelings and mental health is not unnecessary, my love" she said smiling softly. Her eyes were filled with hope and love.

" I love you beyond stars, do you know what I'd do for you?" You sniffed and barley was able to look at her because your eyes were hurting so bad. " I'd jump off a cliff for you. Get hit by a train for you. Die for you" she said, kissing your cheek.

Suddenly your chest started to feel tight. Your breathing became more erratic. It was a panic attack. Larissa noticed immediately. She pulled you closer to her and placed your head on her shoulder. " remember what we participated darling" she whispered, she slowly inhaled and you followed.

Then she slowly exhaled. You followed her breathing steps for a good while before you were ok again. You pulled away from larissa and looked up at her.

" thank you for being so patient with me, rissa" you whispered looking down at the sheets and slightly pulling them. Larissa used her hand to rise up your chin. She took both your hands in hers. She kissed you on your forehead softly. " I meant what I said in our wedding vows" she whispered.

" that'd you be by my side forever?" You asked low laying your head into her lap.

She slowly Bagan to run her fingers through your messy hair. Fingernails brushing your scalp lightly. Soon you started to fall asleep. Larissa fixed you probably so that you were comfortable, by placing your head on a pillow and your blanket over you.

You were completely asleep now. Larissa looked at your sleeping body and smiled. She loved you beyond stars. She smiled at your before kissing your forehead.

" that I'll be your remedy" she whispered softly. That was her vows to you. To understand you. Help you. Stay be yourside and most importantly to be your cured for your sadness and broken heart.

☆

The next morning you woke up with kisses being placed all over your face. during your sleepy state you heard. " love yourself today, you deserve it" it was below the average tone of how a person spoke but above a whisper. There was a soft kiss to your cheek before she left for work.

#gwendoline christie #fypシ゚viral #fanfic #larissa weems x female reader #love #cute #wednesday #gwendolineuniverse #larissa weems #fluff #comfort gwendoline christie #Spotify

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aphroditelovesu · 2 years ago

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You mentioned in you Greek god profiles that Ares can have a soft(ish) side, namely when its his darling's first time or they're pregnant. Could you elaborate on that with hc's/oneshot or something? You mentioned in you last post that you're on a bit of an Ares kick, so I figured you might be down??? Thanks :)

Lady L: literally anything for Ares lol. Hope you like this oneshot, anon ❤️ btw, I think that the song ''Animals'' (Maroon 5) and "Rude Boy" (Rihanna) suits this oneshot very well. Anyway, good reading <3

↬ TW: yandere themes in general, obsessive and possessive behavior, forced marriage, lightweight NSFW (nothing too descriptive though), reader is a virgin and implicit dub-con (only at the beginning).

↬ Word Counter: +1,5k

"There's no way I can get away from it, is there?" Those were the only thoughts that flooded Y/N's head as she walked over to her fiancé. She didn't want this! Hell, she never wanted to meet him, but the reality was cruel.

Ares smiled widely, seeing his beautiful bride dressed appropriately for a wedding. She was stunning. The long white dress gave her an angelic look, but the plunging neckline and the way it accentuated each of her curves was simply divine, leaving nothing to the imagination. The god took a quick look at his mother, who was going to officiate the union, and saw that she had a satisfied expression on her normally cool face. It was a happy day, a joyous occasion, her beloved son was finally getting married. It was insulting that it was with a human, but Ares was determined to marry her and Hera knew better than to try to intervene.

"You look perfect, flame.''

Y/N forced a smile, afraid to irritate her future husband. She knew very well what he was capable of and preferred to avoid unnecessary deaths. Especially at your wedding. "Thank you, m-my love…", she stuttered lightly. "You are also very well."

Ares didn't say anything else, but his normally stern expression eased as he kissed her silk-gloved hands. He turned to his mother, who started giving the wedding speech.

Y/N wasn't really paying attention, Hera's words were far from her mind. "Is this my fate? Am I going to be forever stuck with a violent and brutal god? Who probably won't even be loyal to me?" These were Y/N's only thoughts, until Ares nudged her lightly.

Y/N looked at him scared, until she realized that Hera had addressed her.

"Y/N L/N do you accept my son Ares as your only lawful husband?"

"I-I…" Ares's stern gaze filled her with dread. "… do…"

"And you, my son, do you accept Y/N L/N as your only lawful wife?"

"I do." There wasn't any kind of hesitation in Ares's voice. He was convinced of it.

''I, Hera, Queen of Olympus, pronounce you husband and wife. You can kiss the brid-” Ares didn't even wait for his mother to finish, before grabbing and forcing his lips to yours. Y/N groaned slightly, clearly surprised, not expecting this sudden attack.

The few guests applauded and celebrated. The party had just started but the night was still long for the newlyweds. Y/N tried not to think too much about her wedding night, tried to stay calm and positive that maybe Ares didn't want to sleep with her tonight.

As the night wore on, Y/N sat next to her new husband, watching the guests eventually disperse. A bubble of anxiety formed in the young girl's stomach, and she wasn't sure if she was capable of going through with it all. The only thing she wanted was to be lying on her bed, watching some series or movie on Netflix while eating some junk food. Yet here she was, married to a god she didn't like at all.

''Come on my flame, it's time for us to fully unite.'' Ares finally got up from where he was sitting, offering his hand to Y/N, who hesitantly accepted.

Ares took her far away. Y/N didn't know anything about that place and that only made her more anxious. She was very scared of what was to come, she feared being raped by her husband. Just the thought of it happening was enough to make her panic.

When they finally arrived at a small, hidden castle, Ares guided her and they entered into a simple room. It had just what was needed, a large bed, wardrobe and a very large bathtub.

Ares wasn't stupid or blind. He knew Y/N was nervous, she was still a virgin. The god was determined to make this night really special for both of them, so he would take his time and try to be as kind as possible to his new wife.

Y/N was standing in the middle of the room, nervous. She gripped her arms tightly when she saw Ares begin to undress. Her face took on a strong shade of red as he stood completely naked in front of her.

"Aren't you going to take your clothes off, flame?" Ares asked calmly, as he stepped into the tub that was filled with hot water. ''I'd like to see you naked.''

Shaking her head shyly, Y/N began to slowly undress. When her underwear fell to the floor, she tried to cover her private parts. She was ashamed to death! Never before had she been like this in front of someone else.

Ares chuckled lightly, enjoying his young wife's blush. He held out his hand for her to get into the tub with him.

''You don't need to be ashamed, Y/N. This won't be the last time I will see you like this.''

Y/N approached at an annoyingly slow pace to the bathtub in the middle of the room, but after getting close, she quickly got in. She wanted to hide as much as possible, luckily for herself the water covered up to her collarbone, thus leaving her entire body covered in water.

Ares motioned for her to turn away from him and she did. Y/N shivered a little as she felt her husband's hands massaging her aching shoulders. She let out a small sigh of pleasure when he hit a particularly hard spot.

Y/N opened her eyes when she felt Ares's hands lower from her shoulders to her breasts. She turned quickly to face him and was met with a passionate kiss, she slowly opened her mouth to Ares's tongue and moaned into the kiss as he sucked her tongue. Y/N wrapped hers arms around Ares' head, encouraging him to bring their bodies closer. Y/N's breasts were pressed hard against Ares's bare torso as they kissed. His hands began to descend from her face to her waist, where he squeezed tightly.

When they finally broke apart, Y/N was breathing heavily as she tried to catch her breath, but after doing so, she glued her lips to Ares's again. She was pulled into his lap as he held her tight enough that she wouldn't pull away from him but not hard enough to hurt her. Ares's hands wandered lower as he began to pat her gently. Y/N could feel her arousal building and knew Ares was no different, she could clearly feel his erection pressed tightly against her belly.

''I want…'' Y/N finally managed to speak after parting Ares' lips ''I want you!''

''I want you too, my flame. I know you're still a virgin so I promise to be as gentle as possible.” Ares caressed Y/N's face gently, which made her lean her head into his hand as she closed her eyes and nodded at his words.

Ares prepared her with everything imaginable. After carrying her onto the large bed, he began to perform oral sex on her, sucking her clit while his fingers massaged other parts of her pussy. He used his fingers and tongue together, watching Y/N's face for any sign of pain, but luckily found none. Y/N arched her back as her husband's fingers found that specific and pleasurable place inside her.

When Y/N came on his fingers, Ares smirked as he began to prepare to penetrate her. Finally he would feel what it was like to be inside her.

After the girl calmed down from her orgasm, she spread her legs for her husband. She wasn't as nervous as she was before, her mind was completely immersed in the pleasure she'd been given and she was thirsty for more. So when Ares began to slowly thrust himself inside her, she just tried to ignore the uncomfortable pain she felt.

Realizing there was no objection, Ares began to increase the pace he took her. Y/N's moans echoed throughout the room as she was carried away. At first, Ares was slow, but as he noticed that Y/N wasn't in as much pain anymore, he started to go harder.

And when Ares finally came inside her, Y/N clung to him tightly. She was still a little sore down there, but the feeling of pain was ignored as she came again that night. Ares hugged her tightly as she moaned loudly.

They continued to hold each other as they tried to normalize their breathing. Y/N was still hugging like a koala in Ares, who returned the gesture affectionately. When they finally calmed down, Ares flipped them over on the bed so that Y/N was straddling him.

''So, my flame, are you ready for another round?''

#yandere greek gods #yandere greek mythology #yandere ares #yandere ares x reader #yandere ares x fem reader #imagine

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babiesdreams · 4 years ago

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hi can you please do nct dream boys helping you in a panic attack? im not felling good lately and i think this maybe help... you’re really talented btw! 💘

Ofc babe, I hope this helps you feel better :))

What’s wrong? Dream

Situation: You both were on a cute date, when you suddenly started feeling anxious. You are unable to really know what’s gotten into you, but you want to stay away from your boyfriend to not make him worry, so you go to the bathroom, where you start having a panic attack.

Mark 🐆 : After a few minutes, he starts worrying about you. At first he thinks you got your period unexpectedly, but when he gets closer to the bathroom door and hears your almost silent cries, he worries even more. He presses his back to the door and slowly slices down, sitting against the door. You feel his presence and try to lower the volume of your cries. “Baby” Mark’s calmed voice says. You hum softly and he sighs, noticing the sad tone on your broken voice. “I’m gonna be here for you, for whatever you need okay? You don’t have to come out if you don’t want, I will wait here for you until you feel comfortable enough to come out” His wordsmake more tears fall down your cheeks, as you feel lucky to have Mark in your life. You sit down, against the other side of the door, just like Mark did and try to calm yourself down. Meanwhile Mark start humming your favourite song softly, making you smile at his cuteness.

Renjun 🦊 : He heard you crying in the bathroom, but decided to give you some space, since he didn’t want to make it worse. So when you come back to the couch, wet eyes and red nose, he softens his look. He becomes more clingy, cuddling you constantly and kissing every spot of your skin. Seeing how you relax on his arms, makes him happy, yet, he wants to talk about what happened, to make sure you’re fine. “I heard you” He whispers, softly into your ear. His fingertips caress your neck slowly. “Did something happen?” He asks softly and you simply shake your head. “Just got stressed, out of nowhere” You explain, focusing on the paths your fingers draw on his arm.

Jeno 🐶 : He was going to the kitchen, to bring some snacks when he heard your cries. His whole figure paralized instantly, processing the moment. “Y/N” His voice shakes, unsure about talking to you at that moment. “Do you need something?” He asks, inmediately regretting it. “God I’m so stupid” he thinks to himself. But the sound of the door unlocking makes that thought vanish. You jump into his arms, getting into a warm hug. “I need you” You say in between cries. Jeno hugs you tightly, tapping your back softly. “You’ll always have me” He whispers softly.

Haechan 🐻 : He opens the door, as soon as he’s aware of your state. “You should have tell me dummy” He says running towards you and getting into a warm hug. You cry on his shoulder, feeling comforted in his arms. “Is it your anxiety again?” He asks and you nod. “Did it come out of nowhere?” You nod again and he kisses your head, tapping your back softly. “Everything’s fine, I’m here” He says and the tone of his voice calms you down instantly.

Jaemin 🐰 : He doesn’t realize at first, however, he notices how your mood got down after coming back from the bathroom. He becomes even more clingy than usual, wanting to make you feel better, but when it doesn’t work, he worries. “What happened?” He asks in a serious tone. You try to avoid the question but he insists “What happened?” You start crying at the question and simply reply “I don’t know” while falling onto his arms. “It’s okay” Jaemin says, also tearing up for seeing you like that. “Everything’s okay” He whispers.

Chenle 🐬 :He waits for you, even if you take long. He wants to let you get some space, and calm down before talking about it. When you come back he asks you if you need anything or want something in particular. “I’m fine, Chenle, I just need a hug” You say cutely and he giggles, holding you in his arms. You stay like that for a while, until you feel better enough to keep going with your date.

Jisung 🐹 : He hears your loud cries and panics. He really doesn’t know what to do, so he decides to make you some ramen. He rushes to the kitchen and prepares the said food and, when you come out from the bathroom, he has everything ready for you to eat. “Is it too hot?” He cares about every single detail and when you finally smile at his dorky actions, he feels comforted and happy. He talks about it afterwards, once he knows you’re better.

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Masterlist –requests open– How to request? Check out your score.

#nct #nct scenarios #nct imagine #nct reactions #kpop #kpop scenarios #kpop imagine #kpop reactions #kpop scenario #nct dream #nct dream fluff #requests #requests open #requested #nct blurb #kpop blurb #nct blurbs

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bioodorange · 4 years ago

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Hi can I have a match-up please?

(I'll take nsfw im a shy bottom) So I'm a straight girl, and I'm a leo. I AM PALE af with TONS of freckles all over my face. I'm about 5'5 with straight, thick brown hair and brown eyes. I love horror movies and 90s rock n roll maybe a little bit of 80s too. I am very competitive and love to compete against people but I have Crippiling anxiety and I bottle up my feelings and try to be "tough" but most of the time on the inside im having a mental breakdown while having a panic attack! I also love to swim! I was on a swim team for about 9 years. I can also be very shy sometimes when I don't know somebody and I can very cold torwards people I don't like. Also people are kinda scared of me at first bc apparently I have a "resting bitch face" and a lot people say I lack empathy and I have no heart so.....I kinda suck with my emotions and other peoples emotions and feelings. So I hope this was enough info....! Btw I love your writing and you have a great sense of humor! ♡

IM so sorry this took so long to answer- I hope this is alright! please enjoy and thank you so much Im happy you enjoy my writing! (nsfw below the cut minors DNI 18+)

I match you with...

Tim Wright

So Tim is around 5'7, not much taller then you but he's pretty broad

He's not very physically affectionate but shows it in small ways

He'll wrap his arm around you whenever you're sitting together, enjoys the nights when you fall asleep against him, he feels really at peace when you do- it means a lot of trust is there

Also really enjoys it because it means he gets to carry you back up to your room, he wants to take care of you when he can

Can definetly relate to the thick and dark hair, he ties his back alot and likes doing it to you

Doesn't really know how to braid or style it very well but takes his time learning so he can put it up for you

side note: bro Im happy I don't have long hair anymore holding your arms up to do it fuckin hurts and waiting for thick hair to dry? not fun

Some nights when you guys sit together, he'll run his hands through your hair, play with it a little

Occasionally, usually when you fall asleep, he'll tuck your hair behind your ear and run his thumb over your cheek, drawing loose patterns with your freckles

This man is a horror movie addcit is super happy to have someone to watch them with

This is one of the few things he gets kind of dorky about, takes a lot of trust for him to show that side to people

When he learns about your love for them very calmly acts you half a million questions on your favorite movies, directors, etc

After every movie he likes talking about it with you, either how innacurate it was, the killers motivations or how he'd seen this actor in a totally different roll

Shares your taste for music too, this one he's more open about

Takes note of your favorite artists and bands, gets this stupid grin on his face when you like the same songs

I can see him, whenever he goes on long missions, switching to a station playing a band you like, even if he's never listened to it he turns up the volume and drums his fingers to the beat

Loves your competitive spirit!

In the begining he may not be upfront about it but he always respects those who fight for what they want

Early on he may pitch dumb challenges as a way to bond, pulls the "I let you win card"- sometimes its true, likes seeing you smile

Slightly surprised by your love for swimming, admires you can stick to something for so long

When he learns about it he takes you out to a lake in the woods one day for a date, asks you about competions, the different kind of strokes

He always assumed it was just one type of swimming, to basically not drown, is interested to learn more about it!

Tim is the same with emotions, bottles things up

But he's very upfront about things

I can see you guys balancing each other out, he's very honest about what makes him upset and understands your difficulty with emotions

NSFW

This man is about as dominant as it gets (in bed atleast)

Loves seeing you get all flustered and shy, thinks its adorable

He isn't much of a tease but defintely can be if it makes you blush all pretty for him

Enjoys holding you in his lap, hands gripped on your hips, slowly rolling you against his lap

Or running his hands through your hair, holding your body flush to his and making you tell him what he wants

Lots of hair pulling and choking in bed if you're alright with it

He can get pretty rough but always makes sure you're taken care of afterwards

Tim has to leave a lot for missions, coming home to see you waiting for him in one of his shirts riles him up

Makes you wear that as he fucks you into the mattress

Doesn't leave to many hickies but they're are definetely a few bruises afterwards

#match up

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halfrest · 4 years ago

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* camila mendes, cis woman + she/her | you know juliana “jules” paes, right? they’re twenty-four, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, almost one year? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to god must be doing cocaine by charlotte lawrence like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole playlist curated specifically for making boxed mac and cheese at 3 am, the ‘are you still watching?’ screen on your ex’s netflix that you continue to use, and equating the one-time purchase of a zucchini to getting your life together thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is june 9th, so they’re a gemini, which is unsurprising, all things considered.

pinterest.

not the eldest child, but the eldest daughter, juliana (who purely goes by jules) was born third followed by five younger siblings for a total of eight. it was a packed house, especially since both parents had their siblings nearby (they all lived in one borough of new york city or another). not a bad arrangement in terms of the company kept. her best friends were her cousins. her family was close enough. the only thing was that jules was everybody’s second mother. when it came to the final three kids, she raised them as much as her parents did. oldest brother was the obvious favorite, got married young (now nieces and nephews piled in), went off to become a doctor and second son went off the rails a bit, although he was doted over and eventually ended up working with dad at a very exciting insurance company. jules doesn’t remember much of her childhood, but she remembers changing diapers, making lunches, going to soccer games and driving a car full of children as soon as she got her license. that didn’t mean jules was exempt from other responsibility because her parents wanted to see her succeed too and since they had a doctor in the family, why not a lawyer or engineer. girl was expected to juggle everything with ease but ofc that’s impossible unless you have superpowers and i’m afraid to report that juliana did not.

anxiety tw / anxiety initially kept her on track, needing to get assignments done before due dates, having her schedule perfectly coordinated and it worked throughout high school, somewhat throughout college, although panic attacks became more prevalent and then into her first year at law school, it just didn’t work for her anymore. total breakdown. she chose herself over expectations she couldn’t meet, although that didn’t mean she was going to show up back home as a failure. jules withdrew from school and went out to irving where her best friend from the city (shoutout willa) had ended up at and lied to her family all about it. / end tw

it’s hard to know where to go in life when you swerve off the road in front of you and realize that you had been living for other people. basically jules doesn’t rly know what the fuck it means to live for yourself. the only thing she’s settled is that she will continue to lie to her family and say that she’s still at law school even though she hasn’t been in months. she tries not to think about that too much tho bc that would just lead to another spiral. has no direction, no plan, no money atm but in the same vein of things, jules has never been so relieved in her life. she’s managing. there are days when she just stays in her room (terrible roommate btw, never pays rents on time, has elaborate excuses, who will tolerate her?) in her dark just not wanting to do anything (depression<3) but don’t worry by friday night she’s shaking her ass at scuba to some nelly song. duality of (wo)man.

other facts and things include being an avid fan of watching bad movies and leaving letterboxd reviews, giving apologies in the form of any item off the mcdonalds value menu, buying a ridiculous piece of clothing or whatever bc it’s what makes her happy at the moment (maybe a cow patterned bikini is what she truly needs to reach inner peace — a small price for some serotonin), alternating between periods of great productivity and well nothingness (meaning tons of unfinished projects and plans), ability to sleep anywhere, giving unsolicited opinions, coming up with the Perfect Plan which ends up not being perfect, talking too much and last but not least.......having fun.<3

holds ur hand if u got to the end of this. i might come up w some wc but we know who i am as a person so let’s cut thru the bs. if u would like a plot w jules 1st of all i love u 2nd of all jst message me and i’ll come up w a silly little plot for us. it’ll be beautiful n sexy. that also applies to my other characters. suddenly disappears in a cloud of smoke.

#irvingintro #anxiety tw #another silly little intro from a silly little girl #also my brain's flatlining so bad 2day so i'm sorry for being not the best member atm

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just-a-creep-babe · 4 years ago

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Matchup!

Commissioned by @nemkultra, tysm ^^ 💗✨

~Requests are closed~

Masterlist: x

I match you with: Eyeless Jack

This mans has some hardcore heart eyes for you ngl 💗~💗

You’re just,, so chill and easy to get along with??

Maybe it’s your style—that dark emo kind of fashion that he also tends to stick to himself—but something about you just makes him feel super at ease from the very beginning

In a room full of people, even before he got to know you, he kinda just naturally gravitates towards you tbh

You just have this magnetic pull on him that feels right

Your scent too btw?

It’s kinda weird to say but you smell fckn delicious to him 👀👌

And the fact that you’re pretty short—especially compared to him—combined with your scent & that magnetism really sends his demon instincts in overdrive

Meaning, he ends up getting very protective of you very quickly

He realizes earlier on that you can most certainly take care of yourself, but like,, that’s not gonna stop him from wanting to defend you any way he can

Any threats in the near vicinity, especially the physical/confrontational ones, are nearly nonexistent when he’s around

Which might be more often than you realize

Like I’m not saying he stalks you, he just sometimes keeps a close eye on you,,, from a distance,,,,, usually lurking in the shadows skdkhdksldl

Honestly, lord help anyone who comes near you with aggressive intentions smh

Not only that, but he also can and will remove anyone who’s bugging you or draining you social battery & making you anxious

All ya gotta do is ask or gives him some kind of signal

And even then, if he gets suspicious they’re being rude or unpleasant or anything, he’ll straight up just come to you like “is he bothering you, queen?”

But other than that, he’s a pretty laid-back person ngl

He’s a great listener & will gladly hear you ramble on about anything and nothing

Whatever it might be, whether you just wanna talk about your day or some new songs you’ve discovered, he’ll put you on his lap, stroke through your hair or trace your tattoos while purring contently, listening to you

Boy just wants to be near you and hear your soothing voice as you explain to him your general thoughts & opinions—it makes him so damn happy tbh ^^

He’s a very good bf and will always support you however he can uwu

Even if you don’t really feel like talking, he’s fine with just wrapping his arms around you & quietly enjoying your presence

He might not know much about ADHD, but he will do his research to get a better understand of it & learn how to help any way he can

He does, however, have a bit of PTSD himself, so he already knows a bit on how to help deal with that

So he’s very considerate of any triggers you might have and does his best to keep you safe & happy & comfortable :>

Also like,,,, this man’s presence is so damn comforting

Any time you feel a panic/anxiety attack come on, having him around does wonders

It’s very reassuring to have a tall, strong & protective demon bf in life tbh

Like he knows he’s pretty intimidating, so he‘a got a very calm & relaxed demeanor to make up for it

Knowing this strong ass predatory monster would do anything in his power to protect you from legit anything does wonders to your peace of mind

And having him hold you in his arms, purring and rumbling soothing praises is always very comforting—like the two of you are in your own little world & nothing can reach you

He’s kinda effortlessly powerful, but it goes without saying that he’s an absolute gentleman & would never use that strength against you—with exception in the bedroom, but we’ll get to that later ;)

He doesn’t wanna abuse his capabilities, but he still does end up naturally taking charge tho—both in the streets and in the sheets

Those are just demon instincts for ya ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Boy admires how you don’t take any crap & won’t hesitate to stand up for yourself tho

He likes knowing you’d tell him off if he ever crossed any boundaries; that way he doesn’t have to overthink or worry too much

Also, that nurturing side you’ve got with those strong maternal instincts??

His demonic side is crazy for it

He honestly admires you so damn much, you have no idea ✨🤧

Like he, himself, isn’t the best with kids; he’s kinda scared to hurt them and he’s not really sure how to react around them

But he still appreciates them & their different perspective on life

So he genuinely likes asking how your day went at work, and after a while, he’ll start learning about the kids & asking about them too ^^

If he can help them with any kind of,, situations out of their control, he most certainly will, almost like a guardian demon angel :”)

Like with kids, even if he does appreciate them, he’s also not the best with animals

They can usually sniff out his demon side & it scares them

Cats are sometimes ok with him, but even then, it depends on the cat

So honestly, ya just gotta give him a lil time to adjust to them and vice versa :”>

He’s also a lil freaked out by spiders, snakes, rodents and the like, but he’ll never admit it, so it’s just fun to tease him skdjdksll

He’s a very clean boy himself, so unless he doesn’t eat/sleep for a while & loses control to his demon, you don’t have to worry about him making any kind of mess

Ultimately, this mans is super chill & laid back and will absolutely not hesitate to cuddle up with you any day/any time, whether or not you’re feeling stressed or anxious tbh

You've had a long day & just wanna unwind watching anime or playing video games?

No prob boo; even if he might not understand them, he’ll gladly watch any show with you while offering up some fine back rubs to help you relax 😌👌

He doesn’t really understand poetry either, but he’ll listen to you read it aloud, purring faintly, rubbing his thumbs over your skin and sometimes planting lil kissies here n there 😚😚

He also might try to pick up an instrument, having the faint recollection of knowing how to play from his old life, just to impress you ngl

He just wants to make you happy & care for you because he loves you and thinks you deserve the world uwu

NSFW

Omg you’re honestly like,, the perfect height for him to just pick up & manhandle however he pleases tbh skdjdhslsl 😳😳

When you’re wearing dresses too?

All the easier to use you like a perfect little doll~

But he won’t do it unless he knows it’s alright with you, ofc

Like I said, he’s a gentleman first & foremost 😌👌

Homeboy’s also got a thing for those fishnet tights 👀

So you can bet he might just tear a hole through them & stick his dick in them to fuck your thighs through the lace

He just can’t resist the feeling of your plush thighs squishing his length, squeezing him with the frail material stretching & wrapping so perfectly around him

Don’t worry though, he definitely buys you new clothes all 👏the 👏time 👏to make up for it ;))

Sometimes when he’s feeling like a tease, he’ll settle you down nice and comfy while you’re still wearing those tights & get between your legs to tease his tongue through the material

Loves hearing your little gasps and moans as you try to rub into him for more friction, desperate to feel the entirety of his tongue without that stupid obstruction

Once he thinks you’ve had enough, he won’t be able to hold back any longer before dislocating his jaw and absolutely devouring you until you’re practically shaking against him

But other than the occasional teasing that has you mewling and squirming, this mans will absolutely treat every inch of your body just right 🥴👌

Those belly button & nipple piercings will definitely receive the attention they deserve 👅💦💦

If you’ve had a stressful day at work or if your anxiety’s starting to get the best of you, it’s no prob bb

You can lay back, relax & let him do all the work—having his fun tasting you & shoving his tongue in and out of your dripping core~

He’ll be on cloud 9 knowing he can help while also getting to stuff his face between your legs

Also likes dislocating his jaw to cram the full length of his tongue down you throat to toy with the little metal ball on your tongue too :pp

His demon is totally enamored with everything about you, so you can bet he’ll always leave plenty of possessive bite marks all over you

He’s super scared to hurt you tho, so it’s safe words galore tbh

He pays a lot of attention to your boundaries & needs; you’re so frail & vulnerable compared to him, how could he ever forgive himself if he hurt you?

His heats are especially bad when it comes to being rough—he has to resist absolutely ruining you every time

It honestly takes a long ass time for him to let you stay to help through it because he’s so scared of losing control

If he ends up going too hard & you need to use a safeword, he’ll treat you like porcelain during the aftercare

And even throughout the next couple of days that follow, he’ll be extra careful around you because he’ll feel like shit for taking things too far ngl

I’m talking about waiting hand & foot on you—not that he wouldn’t already do so regardless

And he might be a tad reluctant to do the nasty afterwards, but a lil convincing & reassurance on your part and he won’t be able to resist

Except he’ll take things real slow and careful

Like,, excruciatingly slow skdjdhsl

But honestly, it doesn’t make the orgasms any less intense

Instead of hitting you hard & fast like electricity rocketing through you, it’ll be like one long wave crashing into you as he keeps rocking his hips at a perfectly steady pace

He just wants to make you feel good & show you how much he loves and cares for you, ya know?

Those back rubs I mentioned have some high ass chances of turning into something more

They might end up with you beneath him, one of his large hands pining your hips down, the other entwining his fingers into yours so he can feel every little squeeze when he drags his cock along you most sensitive spots

And if you read him some steamy poetry, he just might end up between your legs one way or another, chuckling and coaxing you to keep going as he hits every spot so wonderfully

This mans is practically a sex god even if he might not realize it ngl 👁👅👁

Only thing is, like I’ve mentioned, him and animals don’t always get along

So he can’t stand being watched by your pets while he’s trying to get some :/

You, ah, might wanna close the door behind you or he’ll have to stop halfway through 😬

But he’ll be more than happy to keep going once he knows the two of you are completely alone again~ 😏👌

#creepypasta #creepypasta x reader #matchup #creepypasta matchup #eyeless jack #eyeless jack x reader

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la-rata-alada · 4 years ago

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Static Space Lovers

(Riddlebat)

Loosely based on song. I love this pairing and I wanted to write some fluff for these two. I just want them to be happy so they're kids together.

Song is 'Static Space Lover' by The Foster People, btw

"I've always really liked the stars," A tiny Bruce Wayne yawned as he lay next to an even tinier Edward Nashton on the ground.

Edward raised a silly eyebrow at him at first, but looked up at the night sky for himself before saying anything.

It was quite beautiful, actually. So the ginger boy smiled softly at the starry sky.

For all the textbooks, drawings, and music Edward had consumed all in the hungry pursuit of knowledge, he did sometimes forget that some stuff just... well was.

There were some riddles in the world that he just could not solve. And that was saying a lot from a riddle-making fanatic.

"Its a lot nicer looking up at it with.. with you, Bruce." Edward squeaked slightly, glancing at the other boy wearily.

Bruce's eyes lit up slightly at that, " You mean it..?"

Edward fidgeted with his hands, barely able to make eye contact with his friend. He'd never quite paid too much attention to the other's eyes, (it was an extremely awkward thing to do), but he had never realized just how blue they were?

When protecting him at school from those horrible bullies, he does recall them turning into an icy color. So icy and cold and so freezing that he swore could probably just burn anyone who dared to gaze into them.

But looking more closely at them, right now he found them to be just as wide and full of wonder like the great moon above.

So soft and gentle like the adorable baby blues of their blankets..

Right now they were like the most precious gemstones in the whole wide world.

(And the world was massive, little Eddie had read several maps)

"Mhm.." Edward mumbled nervously, "A lot of things are more fun with you by my side."

The black haired boy just grinned like a dork.

Edward turned away sheepishly, face flushed but he soon felt his heart begin to quicken rapidly.

It was a similar feeling to his panic attacks.. but it oddly wasn't terrifying like one. It was like anxiety but.. in a good way?

It was difficult for him to process in even his brilliant mind, but he knew it was far too good of a feeling for that to be it in this case.

He closed his green eyes, feeling his body oddly go warm while his little heart continued to hammer away right in his chest.

Whatever the feeling was, he found himself quite liking it, and he soon felt a huge wave of happiness overcome him.

That's what it had to be.

Happiness.

Bruce made him so, so, so happy.

"Are you alright, Eddie?" Bruce's voice snapped his eyes open and also snapped him out of his thoughts.

"Y-Yes," Edward squeaked out, "I was just thinking again!"

Bruce giggled. Edward could just be so funny sometimes, he was always such fun company to be around.

"Well, do you feel like talking about it to me?"

"N-No.. it's really nothing.." Edward fidgeted sheepishly, because how could he begin to explain things.. feelings?? Without the right words? It just made Bruce start to frown slightly at him.

"Hey... no, don't worry about it, Eddie," Bruce's voice grew more worried, he hated his best friend being even slightly upset.

"We can just-" Bruce placed his hand on Edward's reassuringly, "-do whatever, alright?"

Edward smiled gently, the hammering in his chest slowing slightly, calming down slightly. He breathed a little, realizing he was holding his breath for a while.

"Yeah.. we can do whatever." Edward giggled to him.

Soon it just turned into a loud fit of giggles back and forth which did not go unheard at all.

"Master Bruce, Master Edward, I do believe it is time for you both to be off to bed!" Alfred yelled from the doorway of the manor.

Bruce rolled his eyes, but stood up, extending a hand to Edward.

"We should both go before Alfred has an egg." He giggled to him again.

It took all of Edward's will power to not just burst into giggles again when he finally took Bruce's hand into his own.

"There we go, off to bed you two." Alfred ushered the two boys into the manor quickly, closing the door behind them.

Much to Edward's surprise, when he looked down at his hand as they were going up the stairs, Bruce was still holding his hand.

Eddie simply smiled, giving out a happy and exhausted yawn.

#the riddler #riddlebat #riddlebats #batriddler #DC #edward nashton #edward nygma #bruce wayne #Batman #mystuff

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notwhoiwanttobeyet · 4 years ago

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imagine spending all your time and energy fantasising and dreaming about going back to school after summer break and discovering their is a new girl ™️ in your class who thinks you look lonely because you’re the quiet kid ™️ and so she sits down next to you and you introduce her to your friends who are all talkative so you know they’ll keep her company and then she’s sitting next to you in maths class and she mutters ��oh gosh darn it,” and you’re like “you good?” and she makes EYE CONTACT AHWFHOAWF like she LOOKS AT YOU AHIWFBWAB and then you really, truly realise oh shit she’s absolutely beautiful and i am most certainly going to fall in love with her but lets repress all emotions like always :) and so she’s like “i just can’t seem to figure out how to do question 17 of the practise exercises!” you swivel in your chair to face her and you’re like “well let me help you,” because you think are eternally screaming and are trying to come off as some form of cool but you have crippling anxiety- you hope that your maths skills can impress her because surely, that’s something that would definitely impress this ✨QUEEN✨ of a girl. anyway being the A+ maths student you are, all those extension classes paid of because at this moment, you just helped this stunning girl. blah blah blah she’s like “aw thanks,” and you smile and are like “anytime,” because you’re not smooth. then you put on your todoroki kinnie playlist and repress all emotion. she sits with you and your friends at lunch break - they all seem to be getting along well surprisingly - but you know it’s only temporary and she’ll soon find out we’re weird and have a secret society that’s like a frat boys but feminists and then she’ll leave and join the nice girls ™️ because that’s always what happens. the next day she sits opposite you which is shocking but because you’re bad with ✨feelings ™️✨ you know she’s really pretty and you’re gonna fall in love with her but are in denial and are a confused mess. anyway, you like talking to her which is weird cause you’re not much of a talker. she continued to sit with you and your friends the next day. and the day after. for the rest of the week. and the next. and then you realise this could quite frankly be permanent. now you’re thinking it might be okay to get attached. rather than view her as a straight girl you like but will ignore her existence but she’s straight and you’d never have a chance with her (basically what happened with sophie who this isn’t about), you begin to open up to her as a friend would. she now sees you’re not the quiet kid and you’re actually maybe on crack but also serious and witty at the same time and stress about everything but are also the comedian of the group who makes everyone’s day’s a little better but is also ignored completely. she realises you are for sure a very complicated person with too many layers to count. and she doesn’t plan on unravelling them. yet. she’s invited to your next group picnic where the whole gang’s together. she sees how you walk in front of the group on your own on the grass to the side of the footpath, like you’re the quiet kid nobody notices but also as though you’re the alpha male ™️ who is leading the way. everyone else is chatting and laughing and seem to be paired up. “is she- like-,” the new girl says to two of your friends in particular that i’m gonna keep anonymous (e and n). “she’s- we never know,” one girl in particular that i’m gonna keep anonymous (e) responds, shrugging. they yell your name and you turn around, screaming a “YEAHHHH??” with a smile on your face. fascinating, new girl thinks. you continue to make sure everyone is paying attention when crossing roads and give everyone the all clear at every crossing. you arrive at your group’s regular 🐞picnic destination🐞 you welcome new girl, it being her first time at an offical group gathering. she feels valid, but she just smiles and says thank you in reply. you then seperate the group in half to plan the two supermarket trips so that half the group can go buy candy and drinks and chips and food we don’t need while the other half looks after phones and bags, etc. you ask who wants to go on the first trip with you and new girl says she will. you and your friends venture to the store. you enter the candy isle and once everyone’s busy choosing, you say you’re off to the fruit section if anyone wants to come. new girl looks to the others - n and c - mid conversation and says she’ll go with you so you won’t be alone. you two make it to the fruit section and spend the walk over laughing at yourself, explaining that you just like fruit and don’t know why everyone always laughs at you for being healthy 🤷‍♀️you then add in a sly i like your outfit, btw which makes her smile., but it’s true. it’s floral and she looks extremely pretty. she hesitates and then responds with “thanks,” and gives you a look like she’s asking if it’s a i like your style kind of scenario. you look away, pretending you don’t see it but you do and say “where do you think the others will be?” and bring up the story about how e ate a full box of ice cream sandwiches at the last picnic. fast forward, you’re all bonding having a good time at the picnic. you decide to take some group photos as always as a momentum. you take a whole bunch off photos of your friends with snapchat filters and L prompts for you, her and new girl to take a selfie, which you do. you tell everyone you’ll add the photos to the group story. then you remember new girl’s not in the story and ask if she has snapchat. she says yes and you scan her snapcode and it’s a mega score. you add her to the group chat and the story and take a photo of her when she’s not looking and send it to her. when she sees it she runs over saying “stop ittttt!” but in a cute kind of way. anyway fast forward you grow closer and you begin to trust her but your anxiety is telling you not to but you tell yourself to enjoy this while you have it. few months later you guys text like every day and you’re comfortable around her. and she’s part of the group and everything’s amazing and you can’t believe this is real. you did a group project together so things are clearly good if you’re trusting someone to keep your average up. one day you’re in class doing independent work. you’re listening to spotify and an add comes up for a new movie that’s coming out and you say something like “ohmygod i keep getting this one ad,” and new girl looks over and is like “omg yeah that movie, it looks good tho, have you seen the full trailer?” and you start bonding over this movie and you throw in the fact that you won’t end up seeing it most likely because you never go to the cinemas with anyone and then she throws in a me too. wait we should go together! and you’re like “yes omg,,,” and then you discuss how you’ll have to plan out all the details or you’ll have an anxiety attack and won’t end up going, which she says is totally fine. later that week you’re planning out the details and once you both report back with the all clear from your parents she promptly says it’s a date. and you freeze up in full gay panic because you’ve secretly been falling in love but you’ve been repressing the feelings because you just adore her company and you’re happy if friends is all you’d ever be. WIAT THE FUCK THIS SONG CAME ON AND IT SOUNDS TOO MUCH LIKE THIS FANTASY AHEWFHAWHIF. anyway, you hesitate cause you’re *gay panicking* and know she’s just joking, then you respond with lol you’re trolling and when she doesn’t respond you type her name in ALL CAPS twice and say YOU CAN’T- NO COME BACK WAIT- you’re so confused but your heart is pounding with excitement, like maybe, she feels the same. there’s like this sliver of hope that’s masking your brain, even if you know it won’t be true. you face time her. she picks up, looking like she’s dying eternally. she laughs as you scream “Y/N YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?” in like a friendly manner of course. and she laughs so much you’re like “ThiS iSn’T fUnNy!!” which makes her laugh more. you’re pretty sure she’s blushing as she covers her face with her hand. “you’re trolling, right?” silence. “do you want me to be?” you freeze. how the FUcK- i- howrespondtothat. you cover your face with your hand, breathe as she laughs and you say “are. you. trolling. please i’m going to die from heart failure, my brain’s about to explode!” when you get no response you smile and say, “it can be whatever you want it to be.” she smiles and blushes more, instinctively covering her face with her hands. “so it’s a date then?” she says. she’s still covering her face and you can see her shaking. you sigh, and then smile. “yes, it’s a date.” “cool.” “cool.” anyway i’ve already fantasised about the actual date and i’m getting too lazy to type the aftermath but fast forwards like a month later and you’re dating and you feel like you’re the happiest you’ll ever be and you want this to last forever. anyway this fantasy is your only source of serotonin and when you go back to school and this doesn’t happen, well, i don’t know, might as well die.

but yeah, who would do that.

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lostinroses · 6 years ago

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When You’re Ready

A/N: this was originally supposed to be a one shot but i decided to just make it into two parts + i was slowly starting to lose motivation for it and questioned if i should even continue so feedback would be very much appreciated <3 (in-depth version of this btw)

The erased marks on the blank page had been taunting him for the past hour. His hair a mess from the constant tugging his hands had done out of frustration. He flicked the pencil across the room as the urge to break it in half had became almost overwhelming, sitting back in the chair and rubbing his hands against his face. He had hummed the tune stuck in his head for the past week, but couldn’t seem to find the right words to go along with it.

Today was originally supposed to be an off day from the studio, but Shawn couldn’t get himself to stay away. He wanted to get the tune out of him and some words before he forgot, but it seemed useless at this point; he was at a standstill.

Checking the time on his phone, he sighed quietly to himself. Regardless of the long day that awaits you in just a couple of hours, he knew you’d be awake at this time like the night owl that you were. A part of him was hesitant on calling you in case you actually decided for once in your life to go to sleep early, but that thought got a snort out of him and called you anyway, knowing damn well the chances of that were slim to none.

“Hey, what’s up?” you yawned into the phone.

“Fuck, were you sleeping already?” he asked, feeling the guilt slowly rise in his chest. A small noise escaping from your lips as you began to stretch, “On the verge of it, yeah. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, no, everything’s perfectly okay. Don’t even worry about it,” he reassured you in a rush. “Just get some sleep okay? Call me tomorrow.”

“If you even have time tomorrow,” you giggled quietly. The communication between the both of you had been minimal the past couple of weeks as Shawn was deep into the album writing and production of it all. At this point, you didn’t care that it was well past one in the morning when he called. It felt good to finally have him to yourself.

He knew there wasn’t any hurt behind your words, but the guilt grew inside him nonetheless. He didn’t mean to be pushing you to the side so much, but you knew that. You never took any of it to heart.

“Hey,” you called out softly, “you still there?” It was nothing new for him to be getting lost in his thoughts like that out of nowhere, but it only brought you worry, especially with his calling so late.

He chuckled dryly, “M’still here. Just thinking.”

You sighed, “Where’s your head at, huh? You sure you’re okay?” Your voice was soft, and it calmed him.

“I just need you to talk. That’s it,” his voice was desperate, begging almost. “Tell me something. Anything.”

You wondered if he was on the verge, or in the middle, of an anxiety attack with the way he was talking, but decided not to question him in case it only made him panic more. There was a moment of silence as you tried to think of what to say, but had suddenly forgot every single thing going on in your life right now.

“My professor lost my exam,” you huffed after what felt like hours of silence. “He’s letting me redo it for homework, but it’s still a shitload of math that I was hoping I wouldn’t have to go through again until the final.”

“The one you had stayed up all night studying for?” he asked in disbelief.

Despite your frustration, he couldn’t help, but smile as you began to ramble on about your classes, his heart warm as he began to imagine what it’d be like to go to university, too. Usually, sadness and a feeling of missing out would overcome him, but the way you described things made him feel like he had been part of it, living your uni life.

The party stories were his favorite. Although you weren’t much of a party person, it amused him to hear about all your awkward moments you seem to have at every party you attend. He longed for a time where he could go to a party with his friends without being recognized, wanting to stop having to make up a random name for himself when he’d talk to girls. A part of him was almost envious at everyone’s normalcy.

But then, he remembered the purpose of this conversation and felt a sense of gratitude, all the while trying to zone back in and catch on to what you were saying.

“I know I haven’t given him a chance, but I just really am not interested in him,” you continued to ramble, causing him to furrow his brows.

“Interested in who?” he questioned.

You sighed, “Were you even listening at all? To anything?”

Rubbing the side of his face, he let out a small groan as he apologized for his zoning out, “I swear I was at first, but I just got a little lost. Can you say that again?”

“Guy in one of my classes. Asked me to hang out sometime. Gave me his number a couple days ago. Still haven’t texted him. No interest in him whatsoever,” you shortened the last five minutes into less than ten seconds.

“I mean, the least you could do is text the guy and tell him you’re not interested,” he suggested. There was a sort of stressful tension radiating from your end of the phone that made him confused.

“But what if I accidentally pass up the opportunity at love?” you argued.

“Give the guy a chance then. Just one hangout and see how it goes.”

“Okay, but what if it’s just a waste of time, and I’m disappointed in the end?” you argued, again, seemingly more with yourself than with Shawn. He chuckled at your indecisiveness, “Stop doing that! You question yourself too much.”

“I don’t know, dude. It’s just scary,” you tried to brush off the topic, but there was a nervousness in your voice that he caught onto quickly.

“What’s scary?” he wondered before you could change the subject. The thought had been haunting your mind the past couple of weeks, but you did everything in your power to push it to the back of your mind, not expecting to be faced with the option of having to say it out loud or lie and quickly change the subject. But it’s Shawn. Even if you could avoid it now, he’d find a way to bring it up again until he got his way and got it out of you like the little shit that he was.

“I don’t know… love?” You felt silly saying it out loud and instantly regretted opening your mouth, but still, you continued, in a much softer and more distant voice, “I’m scared to be one of those people that just never finds love.”

“You know, I read an article a couple weeks ago about these people who had never found love,” you recalled, “They were well into their 50s and were still single and had never been married.”

The more you continued to talk about it, the bigger the ache in your chest grew, but it’s like your mouth was on autopilot, and your brain had completely checked out.

“They never found love, Shawn!” you shout in sudden distress. “They never found love because the universe doesn’t owe you a damn thing, including love.” The shakiness in your voice made it clear you were on the verge of tears, making his heart sink deeper than it had already.

“Then, me and you will just be together. Fuck the universe,” he lightly joked in attempt to get you out of your own head. You chuckled, and he smiled.

“I don’t think I’m ready for you and your superstar life,” you sniffled. Your nose crinkled at the thought of you ever dating Shawn. It’d be a lie to say you wouldn’t look cute together, but it was just weird to imagine.

“Well,” he breathed out, “when you’re ready, I’ll be waiting.”

You snorted, “You’ll be waiting for like ten years, so don’t hold your breath.” The way he continued with the idea started to make you question if he was still actually joking, or if he was being serious.

“Oh I’ll be around. You’ll see.” You could hear the smile in his voice, leaving you even more confused, but didn’t press on the subject. It’s probably nothing.

Leaving it at that, you proceeded to bid him goodnight, reminding him of the time and how busy of a day you have in a couple hours.

“Get some sleep, okay? Put that brain of yours to rest,” you urged him.

He scoffed, “Look who’s talking! You’re the one who just went through a love crisis. You put your brain to rest.”

You waved him off, once again wishing him goodnight and hanging up the phone. The second the call ended, he sprang to action, running across the room to where he threw his pencil and went straight back to writing.

All you did was blink, and suddenly, it’s the night of May 24th. Despite the album’s planned date of May 25th, it had came out just a couple hours earlier for you than for most people. Having your laptop open and ready for Shawn’s FaceTime call, you tried to keep yourself busy with some homework, but couldn’t bring yourself to focus, wanting so badly to listen to what your best friend had been working on for almost a year.

No matter how many times you begged him to give you just a snippet of some of the songs, he wouldn’t budge. You were offended after having found out everyone else had listened to the album except for you. Remembering that exact moment of discovery had caused you to grow irritated again, despite you already forgiving him for leaving you out, and had begun to argue with the Shawn in your head, but was interrupted by the sound you had anticipated since the moment you woke up in the morning.

Quickly answering his call, a huge smile formed on your face as he popped up on the screen of your laptop.

“Oh my god, I’m so excited!” you squealed, finger hovering over the play button for Like To Be You, having been ready and prepared since the album was released.

“Good morning to you, too,” he said with a raspy voice and a sleepy lopsided smile.

“I thought you had been awake since the album dropped,” your fingers danced over your phone. As much as you love talking to Shawn, you didn’t care to hear about anything else at the moment. The wait was killing you.

“It was a late shooting last night, and then, Rita and her crew were hanging out with us for a bit, so I didn’t really get much sleep,” he explained as you nodded at him. Your lack of response caused him to chuckle.

“Alright, press play.”

With every song passing, the more his nerves grew, and he didn’t know why. It had took everything in him to hide When You’re Ready from you, wanting to know what you thought about it, but decided to hold off until the whole album was released. But now he didn’t want you to listen to the song at all. Having been really good friends for a while, he was unsure of how you would take it. Maybe you’d get offended for using your fear as inspiration for a song? Or maybe it’d turn into a really awkward ��I just don’t see you in that way” conversation despite his lack of interest in you as well? Or maybe you did see him in that way. Fuck, what if she gets hurt if I have to turn her down? he thought.

Anxiety had begun to rise up inside of him, and he wished someone would come in his room and tell him he has a last minute schedule change, but he grew hopeless of that happening as he heard the familiar sound of the piano keys of Perfectly Wrong.

“Ah fuck, I already know this is the one I’m gonna listen to when I need a good cry.” Snapping out of his thoughts, he snorted at the worry lines forming on your forehead.

“The last song better not break my heart as much as this one, you asshole,” you clutched your chest as you slouched in your seat. He swears your eyes become glossy, but doesn’t bother pointing it out.

The last note of the song caused him to feel like his heart was gonna fall out of his ass. He wouldn’t be surprised if you could hear his heart beating out of his chest.

A small smile had formed on your face as the humming began; it eased his nerves a little. A smile of his own had grown as he noticed the dazed look on your face, almost as if you had gone to your own little dream world.

He noticed the way your smile faltered in the middle of the chorus, and his heart rate picked right back up. He mentally scolded himself for not warning you about it beforehand, but it was too late. He had to let you finish the song.

Every single line beyond the chorus had become familiar to you, making your heart drop. A part of you was in denial that he could’ve possibly wrote a song about you, but everything was too spot-on. It all become too overwhelming, a million thoughts running through your mind as you tried to process this, not even completely sure if this was really about you or not.

Your facial expression was hard to read as the song came to an end.

“Damn, was it that bad?”

Your eyes widened and began to shake your head rapidly, “No, no, no, I’m sorry! It’s not bad at all!” You began to stumble on your words as you tried to reassure him how much you really liked the song, but couldn’t cover the panic in your voice.

He chuckled a bit nervously, “Yeah? I hope you do. You’re the inspiration behind it.”

You stared at him with a doe-eyed expression on your face, just waiting for him to laugh and tell you he’s joking, but he didn’t. The emotions that began to stir inside of you only confused you more, not sure why you were feeling like a nervous school girl talking to her crush.

“Remember that night you had your little love crisis and worried about never finding love?” he asked, breaking the silence. When you didn’t respond, he continued, “And I told you I’d be waiting for you, even if ten years goes by?”

You hesitantly nodded as you thought back to that night, growing fearful of where he might be going with this.

“Jesus, Y/N, you look like you just saw a ghost. Calm down,” he sent you a reassuring smile, “It’s just a song, honey. I’m not being serious.”

“What?” you breathed out in surprise.

“The song isn’t for you, but you inspired me to write it.”

Despite the tiny unknown disappointment you felt in your heart, you sighed in relief, letting out a small laugh as he continued to explain the writing process of it.

He tried convincing himself that the disappointment he could’ve swore he saw in your eyes was just a figment of his imagination, but a small part of him wanted it to be real.

Shawn was unsure if it was one-sided, feeling as though something had changed in your guys’ friendship. It’s not that you guys were rough with the way you acted towards each other before, but he was sure you had never been so soft and gentle with him than ever. And he��d be lying if he said he hadn’t been acting the same with you, too.

The pet names for each other had slowly become more and more of a frequent thing, the scheduled FaceTime calls were new, he even began to fly you out to wherever he was when he knew you had time or a break from school. It sounded like you both were in the beginning stages of a relationship, but whenever someone had asked about it, you both denied anything going on between the two of you.

There’s always a hesitation from you both whenever you’re alone with each other. The question hanging at the tip of both your tongues almost always slips out of your mouths, but never do, in fear of being rejected by the other. So you both grow comfortable in a state of wonder and confusion.

The view of Toronto had distracted you from the excited voices echoing throughout Shawn’s condo. You were still trying to shake the tiredness off from your flight earlier that day and match everyone’s energy, but it was a struggle. Shawn had jumped at the opportunity to fly you out once he found out you were on a break from school, wanting you to attend the Travis Scott concert with him and everyone else.

You felt the couch sink in beside you and a heavy arm being thrown around you, “You okay over here?”

Turning your head, you were met with a concerned-looking Shawn, making you giggle as you nodded.

“Just a little tired still from the flight, that’s all,” you shrugged, laying your head on his arm. You felt his thumb gently rub at your shoulder as he nodded with his puppy dog eyes. Closing your eyes, you rubbed your cheek against his arm, getting ready to get comfortable and curl into him, but felt the couch on the other side of you sink in.

“Oh man, I love some cuddling.” You felt Brian lean what felt like all his weight against you and curling up at your side. You opened your eyes and glanced over at the redhead beside you curled up in a ball. Giggling, you looked at Shawn to see him glaring at the boy with an irritated look on his face.

Mumbling to himself, he took his arm off of you and got up from the couch, walking over to his plugged in phone in the kitchen. Brian sat up straight upon noticing Shawn’s disappearance and laughed to himself.

“Jesus, tell your boyfriend to stop being so damn sensitive,” he shook his head as he glanced over at Shawn.

You sighed deeply, “Not this again. Not tonight, alright Bri?” You pressed your cold hands against your heated cheeks and tried to calm the craziness going on inside of you at the thought of Shawn being your actual boyfriend, missing the feeling of his warmth beside you.

“Uber’s here!” Shawn announced, making everyone cheer and gather their things.

Arriving in the VIP section near the stage, you could feel your head start to pound from the noise coming from the crowd, already feeling a headache coming. By the look on your face, Shawn could tell something was off with you, especially with how unmatched your energy was compared to everyone else’s.

He leaned down close to your ear, “You sure you’re okay?” Glancing up at him, you nodded and sent him a small smile. You could feel your cheeks heating up again once you noticed how close his face was to yours.

“I’m gonna go get a water or something. You want anything?” you asked, taking a couple steps back towards the stairs.

“I’ll go with you!” he stepped towards you, a loose grip on your elbow. The lights dimmed right then, causing the crowd to cheer. You shook off his hand and shook your head, “I don’t want you to miss the opening act. I’ll be okay.” You shake off his hand as you give him a reassuring smile. Before he could protest, you turn around and make your way up the steps.

Watching you walk up the steps, Shawn sighed to himself, wondering if he did or said something that upset you prior to you arriving in Toronto. You had been a little off since the moment you arrived, and despite your constant reassurance to him, his thoughts still ate away at him.

He stood not too far from the stairs, looking up at the top every so often. He began to grow worried after four songs had passed, and you still hadn’t returned. Just as he was about to make his way up the stairs to check up on you, he felt a sense of relief once he saw you walking back into the arena, a small smile forming on his face seeing you laughing about something.

Just as he was about to make his way up and meet you halfway, he stopped in his tracks noticing you weren’t alone. He furrowed his brows as he stared at the (male) stranger who appeared to be the one making you laugh, jealousy bubbling inside him.

She’s not yours, she’s not yours, she’s not yours, he repeated to himself. Crossing his arms, he stood beside Jon and Brian, trying to focus on the performance, but couldn’t help looking over at you and your new friend, noting the way you both seemed to be in your own little bubble.

He immediately sensed your presence beside him after another minute had passed, getting a whiff of your perfume and suddenly growing irritated. You stretched out your arm, offering him some of your water to which he shook his head without even looking at you, keeping his gaze on Trippie Redd on the stage.

He noticed the way your mood had changed, having so much energy he thought you’d be bouncing off the walls pretty soon, rapping along with everyone else. Shawn knew he must look ridiculous right now with his arms crossed and a pout painted across his face. It’s not like he wanted to feel this way. He hated being so jealous when he has no reason to be; you guys are just friends.

Bringing him out of his thoughts, he felt a hand on his shoulder, “Bro, let’s go get some drinks.” So much time had passed while he was too caught up in his own jealousy and irritation; all that was left was Travis’ set. Taking advantage of the small break, he began to follow the guys towards the stairs, looking around for you.

Before he could even think about what he was about to do, he walked straight over to where you were, once again talking to your (male) friend. Putting his hand on the small of your back, he interrupted your conversation, “Babe, we’re gonna go get some drinks. You want some more water or…?”

Your eyes snapped towards him the second the pet name left his mouth, noticing the way his lips twitched fighting back a smirk. The tension between the both of you suddenly became thick.

“I’m good, thanks,” you blinked, dullness evident in your voice. He winked before leaving you back alone with Jack, the guy you met in line while waiting to buy some water.

He chuckled awkwardly, “Didn’t know your boyfriend was that Mendes guy.”

Rolling your eyes, you shake your head, “He’s not my boyfriend. We’re just friends.”

“Kinda seems like he wants to be more than just that,” he sipped his drink. After your lack of response, he cleared his throat and continued, “I should, uh… get back to my friends.” You give him a defeated smile as you nodded, waving to him as he made his way back to his friends. Letting out a frustrated groan, you go to stand beside Jon, trying to hide your dejected mood.

For the rest of the night, you kept your distance from Shawn, knowing it’d put you even more of a bad mood if you were near him, and you didn’t want to be a downer for everyone else.

Rummaging through your suitcase as you picked out some pajamas, you heard a knock at the door. You looked up at the tall figure in the doorway leaning against the wall and stared at him, waiting for him to say something.

“So... are you gonna tell me why you haven’t said a word to me all night?” You scoffed at the stupidity of his question and looked back down at your suitcase as you took out your toothbrush, “You know why.”

“I didn’t fly you out here, so you could go and flirt with some stupid guy,” he spat instantly, irritation laced in his voice. You glared up at him, “Who the fuck are you to tell me what I can and can’t do? You’re not my boyfriend.” You push past him and make your way to the bathroom, not seeing the point in having this argument.

He grabs ahold of your arm, “Then, what the hell is this between us?! Huh?!” You stood in place and felt your nerves acting up, wanting nothing more than to disappear. As much as you were confused about the change in relationship with Shawn, you weren’t ready to have this conversation. And knowing him, you were almost positive he isn’t ready either.

“There’s nothing between us, Shawn,” your voice was small, and it caused him to scoff.

“Who are you trying to convince here, me or you?” he argued. Turning to face him, you shook your head, “Whether there’s something between us or not, it doesn’t give you the right to go into jealous boyfriend mode. What the hell was that anyway?!”

He shrugged, “He was probably an asshole anyway.” You gave him a hard stare, hands balling into a tight fist.

“Since you want to play boyfriend so badly, then why haven’t you asked me to be your girlfriend yet?”

It felt like you had knocked the wind out of him as he tried to come up with an answer. It was hard for him to get anything out with his mind racing a million miles an hour. The minute-long silence that followed after made you grow tired, making you not want to look at the dumbfounded look on his face any longer.

“Next time you want to throw some shit like that at me again, at least be ready to have the conversation.” And with that, you slammed the door.

Checking the time on your phone, your frustration grew more as you rummaged through your bathroom, trying to find your only scrunchie you had left, mentally scolding yourself for losing all the others. You wouldn’t doubt it’s in your suitcase you have yet to unpack since your trip to Toronto, but you didn’t have any more time to waste. The Uber’s about to charge a Wait Time fee if you weren’t out the door in the next ten seconds, and as a broke college kid, you needed to save as much money as you can.

Quickly grabbing your bag from your room and stopping to get a banana from the kitchen, you flew out the door with your phone and keys in hand, locking the door before you made your way towards the Uber. You greeted the driver as you got in the car and buckled your seatbelt.

Sighing, you leaned your head back and took a second to calm down after rushing all morning to get ready. You could almost hear Shawn’s laughter in the back of your mind, teasing you for always being in a rushing and having such poor time management.

The rest of the weekend you spent with him in Toronto was awkward to say the least. Although neither of you have addressed (surprise, surprise) the question you threw at him, you both tried to carry on the rest of your time there trying to be as normal as possible, even though the tension was palpable. As much as his lack of response was bothersome, you knew you weren’t completely ready to have the conversation that’s been burning inside you for the past couple of months.

The thought of being a part of his life romantically was enough to make you anxious. Just being his friend was sometimes too much for you to handle. You knew people talked and theorized about what’s going on between the both of you. There’d be times where you couldn’t help, but scroll through endless tweets of anything involving you, which always turned out to be a mistake, but that’s just who you were. You care too much about what people think, which is why you try to avoid social media as much as possible. For as long as you could remember, all your social media accounts were set to private, not liking the idea of strangers being aware of your activity.

Even thinking about it now is giving you the urge to check social media, but only out of boredom. Not like you have anything better to do in the car.

Opening the Twitter app, you read through some tweets that pop up on your timeline, giggling at some and sending them to yourself to look back at later. Just as you were about to switch to Instagram, you noticed a familiar head of hair at the bottom of your screen. Noticing Shawn had liked the tweet, you scrolled up and squinted down at the picture attached to the tweet.

Scoffing, you instantly spotted your scrunchie around Shawn’s wrist. This asshole thinks he could just wear my scrunchie.

take my scrunchie off your wrist, you look ridiculous, you typed out to him and hit send. You chewed on your bottom lip, anxiously waiting for his response.

Are you stalking my update accounts? I knew you were obsessed with me

You snorted. In the middle of your typing, he sent you a picture of himself with the tiniest “man bun,” if you will, with your scrunchie. You bit your lip trying to suppress the smile wanting to come out on your face, but failed as you let out a soft giggle.

alright fine it’s yours now. only because you look cute in it i guess

Cuter than you that’s for sure

You rolled your eyes.

Pressing the home button on your phone, you groaned quietly as the time neared three in the morning. Despite the heater being turned on, you couldn’t shake off the coldness that was spreading throughout your body, causing you to not be able to sleep. You were convinced it was the snow outside the cabin that was making the room so cold (and the fact that it was winter time), but everyone seemed to be just fine.

Pushing yourself out of bed, you wrapped your blanket tightly around yourself as you tiptoed outside the room, careful not to wake anybody up. You closed the door quietly and turned around, only to run into something hard, causing you to let out a small yelp.

“What the hell are you doing awake?”

You squinted your eyes, “I can’t sleep. It’s too cold in here,” a slight pout settled on your lips.

“What about you, huh? Why are you awake?”

“Bathroom,” Shawn yawned sleepily as he made his way past you and into the bathroom.

You shook your head as you walked to the kitchen and turned the light on. You started to look through the cabinets in hopes of finding hot chocolate, or something warm, to take the coldness away. After not finding anything, you sighed and stole one of Shawn’s teas, knowing he wouldn’t mind, but might find it a bit of a shock to see you drinking tea after professing your hatred for the nasty liquid.

In the process of preparing the tea, you felt heavy arms wrap loosely around your waist and felt his hot breath close to your ear.

Turning your head slightly, you felt your heart rate pick up at the proximity of both your lips. His eyes were shut, and by the slowness of his breathing, you were almost convinced he fell asleep.

“You should go back to bed,” you gently ran your fingers through his mess of curls.

He hummed, “Wanna stay up with you.” He nuzzled your neck, lips just barely ghosting over your skin.

“I don’t wanna keep you up,” you spoke softly as you played with his curls. His eyes fluttered open and looked at you, “Are you gonna be long?”

You glanced over at the water boiling, “Well, I-”

He shut off the boiling water before tugging on your arm and pulling you towards his room. Your eyes widened as you tried to snatch your arm from his grip.

“What are you doing?!” you shouted in a whisper.

“Going to my room, what does it look like?” he tightened his grip, rubbing his eyes sleepily with his free hand.

“Why are you taking me with you?”

He ignored your question as he opened the door to his shared room quietly and gave your arm another tug as you hesitantly walked in after him. Glancing over at the sleeping boys in the other two beds, you prayed silently they wouldn’t wake up. You knew if they were to catch you in the room with Shawn at this hour you’d never hear the end of it.

You watched him as he climbed into bed and got comfortable under the blankets before he glanced at you and motioned for you to join. Rubbing your sweaty hands against your pajama pants, you quietly climbed in next to him and awkwardly lay on your back, eyes glued to the ceiling.

“Are you still cold?”

You felt his arms wrap around you, pulling you close against his body before you had the chance to respond. With the quietness of the room and his body up against yours, there was no way he couldn’t hear your heart about to burst out your chest.

“This okay?” he whispered sleepily, picking his head up to look at you through heavy eyelids.

Staring into his sleepy eyes, you bit your lip as a small smile formed on your face and nodded, whispering a quiet ‘yes.’ Laying his head close to yours on the pillow, you felt his nose brush against your temple and felt his breathing start to even out. All the worries of getting caught faded away as you soaked in the warmth his body radiated.

You close your eyes, but continue to stay awake, cherishing the feeling of his arms around you and wished for the night to go on forever.

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes blurbs #shawn mendes one shot #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fan fic #shawn mendes fan fiction #shawn mendes x reader

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19umbrellas · 6 years ago

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The Great Escape || Ben Hargreeves x Reader || Chapter 5

Description: After the death of your childhood sweetheart you began to have very gory and horrific nightmares that lead to your drug and alcohol problem. After your family found out, your sister admitted you to a rehabilitation facility you begin to see glimpses of your old lover walking about the hallway. Have the nightmares finally drove you insane or is your beloved Ben Hargreeves really back from the dead?

Read and find out uwu

Word Count: 1487

Index: uwu

CHAPTER 5

Gasping for air you quickly jolted up from your bed as shaky breathes escaped your lips. Your hands were shaking as you propped your elbow on your leg and you rested your head on your palm. Your eyes began to tear up again as the familiar feeling of fear and anxiety scourged through you whenever you would have these sort of nightmares. You tried your hardest to forget about what your brain just made you go through while you just hummed along to your favorite song.

After calming down a bit, you decide to head out, maybe go to the bathroom or the garden, anywhere as long as you can clear your head. You stood up and turned to grab your sweater on your headboard but then you saw something that made you scream.

There, on your bed, you saw yourself still lying down on the mattress with a peaceful look on your face.

"What the... " you whispered, unsure of what the actual fuck is going on. You stared at yourself, your chest rising and falling, at least your were still alive. You shook your head, this isn't the time to celebrate yet, you thought. This must be another nightmare, it must be. You've never experienced a dream like this before, however, so you had no idea what to do.

You tried to pinch yourself but it did nothing. How do you even know if this a dream, a thought suddenly popped into your brain but you quickly dismissed it, how exactly is this not a dream? You were pretty sure this was not something a person could just do. You didn't have any other explanation for this so you're sticking with the most logical answer. Nothing but a dream.

You looked to your roommates worriedly but you saw that they were all still there, sleeping on their beds. There's no blood, no screams, just snoring. You sighed in relief, perhaps this was better than your old nightmares.

You turned back to yourself, crouching down as you reached for your face. Your hand went through your head like it was nothing and your eyes went wide as you quickly retracted your arm in a panic. That's when you noticed a thin, red string tied to your wrist. Confused, your eyes trailed the red string until it reached out the door. You stood up and stared at the plastic rectangle anxiously. Slowly, you approached it and rested your hand on the knob before turning it.

The hallway was pitch black but red string was emitting it's own light making it clear as day. The red line kept going down the corridors until it disappeared into a corner. You told yourself to just close the door and stay in the safety of your own room but then you felt a soft tug from the string, beckoning you to come follow it. You stared at it for a moment before reluctantly following its trail. You were walking for a good 5 minutes or so, thankfully not seeing anything other than the red string, the trail stopped when you realized the the other end was tied to a figure hunched under a single lit wall light. He was leaning on the wall with his hands crossed, staring at the floor. His attire was entirely dark and the hood he wore prevented you from seeing his face. You felt the string tug again, more excitedly this time, and you walked closer to the man. You stopped at edge where light and darkness met and with a shaky voice you called out to him. "Excuse me." you said and he turned to your direction.

Ben felt shocked and confused when he heard a voice not too far away from him. He looked at the shadows and scanned for an outline but he couldn't see much in the dark. Suddenly, a girl walked into the light, she looked nervous and scared. Ben quickly pushed himself from the wall as he instantly recognized her. He stared directly stared at your face and you seemed to be looking up at him as well. Was she looking at me? He him mind raced. Could you actually see the phantom of Ben Hargreeves? Well, there's one way to find out. He inhaled in anticipation before breathing out your name "(y/n)?" he said and your eyes went wide.

"How did you..." before you could finish the man removed his hood and you gasped, covering your mouth as your eyes turned glossy. "Ben?" you asked, flabbergasted. Ben smiled wide and laughed, his eyes swelling with tears as he nodded his head. "Yeah, that's me."

Tears rolled down your cheeks and Ben cried too."Am I dreaming?" you asked as Ben closed the gap between you two. He gave you a smile that made your heart melt. "I hope not." he said but before he could place a hand on your cheek you were pulled back by a sudden force. The last thing you remember was Ben screaming your name before you were once again engulfed by the darkness.

When you regained consciousness you were standing in an alleyway with no recollection as to how you got there and why. You checked your surroundings and it seems like you instantly recognized the backdoor of bar you frequently went to. You just thought that perhaps you got a little too drunk and the bouncer had to kick you out again. You shrugged and you started to make your way home before anything else unexpected could happen. Just as you reached the edge you could leave the alleyway, you heard familiar metal clank of the door as the bouncer threw out an angry drunk into the streets, telling him to come back with some money. You realized you were staring and decided to leave and mind your own business but you couldn't find yourself to do so. Instead you just watched as the man stumble up onto his feet and drunkenly sway as he yelled at the top of his lungs.

He then noticed you staring at him and he shot you a sneer. "What are you looking at, pretty little lady?" he laughed darkly, "Wanna lollipop or something?" he walked up to you and your felt yourself reach into your pocket. Your eyes went wide when your hands wrapped around a pocket knife. You finally realized what was happening. You wanted to scream for him to leave you alone but your mouth was as heavy as steal.

Not again. Please. No. Not again.

As the man quickly approached you you pulled out your weapon and stabbed him on the throat. The sudden breach in his jugular rendered him shocked and unable to speak, leaving him open to more attacks. You Stabbed him again, and again, and again, and again on the stomach and let him fall to ground. The man gargled his own blood and you watched as his fingers twitch as life slowly exited his body.

You felt a large lump in your throat, you wanted to cry but no tears left your eyes. You crouched to his chest and ripped his shirt open with your knife before carving your name on it. Blood splattered on toyour horrified face as you continued run your knife on his flesh. Once you finished you felt yourself smile and laugh at the sight much to your horror. You got up and wiped the knife on his pants before hiding in your pocket once more. With that you slipped into the darkness, escaping the line of sight of the lady making a phone call on the other side of the street just in time before she turned around and screamed.

Ben poked his head through the door of your room and somewhat relieved when he saw you lying on your bed, sleeping as you hugged your pillow. He walked over to sit by your side and ran his fingers on your head but they just passed through. He sighed in dismay before getting up walking out. He thought back to the hallway, you two were barely an inch apart from each other and he swore he felt his arms brush yours before you disappeared.

Was that all just a cruel trick of my imagination, he thought solemnly. As he walked back to Klaus' room he suddenly thought about his brother. He thought since Klaus was able to conjure the dead, perhaps he also had the power bring them to the physical realm as well. He's already been clean for a week so that would explain why his powers suddenly amplified. The more sober Klaus gets them more he can do with his powers. The more he thought about this the faster he moved. If Ben was right about this he might have found a way for you two to be with each other again but first he had to talk to Klaus about his theory.

A.N.: Heyyy!

So, I’m back from the exam and, as promised, here is the next chapter. uwu. I wrote this on the bus home XD an elderly lady who was sitting next to me thought I was sending a really long text message.

BTW, HAPPY STAR WARS DAY! MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU ❤❤

Taglist:

@purple-alien-monkey @sweetkenzo @rougemme @padfootz-princess

#ben hargreeves #ben hargreeves x reader #ben hargreeves x you #ben hargreeves fanfiction #number six #tua #tua x reader #the umbrella academy x reader #the horror #the umbrella academy #reader insert #x reader #character x reader #the umbrella academy x you #number 6 #number four #number 4

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queen-of-the-avengers · 6 years ago

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Fighting Your Battles

Characters: Tom Holland x Reader

Word Count: 1,547

Warnings: Fluff in the beginning, angst at the end

Request: Could you write a Tom Holland or Peter Parker oneshot where he finds out the reader has really bad depression/anxiety & he helps her through it? (i would 100% understand of you dont feel comfortable writing this btw)

Summary: Anxiety is always lurking around the corner for you. It’s worse when you’re in the dark and Tom knows just how bad it can get. Luckily for you, he is always there to help you.

Squares Filled: Singing in the Shower // Nyctophobia

Author’s Note: This is for @marvelfluffbingo and @marvelangstbingo . If you have any requests, please send them in! I would love to hear what you have! This is unbeta’d and any and all mistakes are all on me.

Feedback the glue that holds my writing together

Tags at the bottom

Before you started dating Tom Holland, you were a big fan of his. He was in a number of shows/movies that you loved, but your favorite one was Spiderman. Being a Marvel fan didn’t help, and when you got the opportunity to join him on set for a few days, you took it. Tom was hosting a contest on his Instagram and you jumped at the chance, hoping that you would be picked.

Low and behold, you were the winner and he flew you to London where he was filming his new Spiderman movie. You got to hang with him on set and he was allowed to take you into the city, which was one of the best times you could have ever had. Tom was so nice and funny, making you feel welcomed despite your anxiety just begging to be released. Ever since you were a child, you’ve had bad anxiety. It was worse when you were faced with the darkness.

There was something about the dark that ate at your anxiety. Maybe it was just you, but your mind liked to create creatures in your head that lurked just behind the shadows, waiting to grab at you when they got the chance. Ever since you could remember, you’ve slept with a nightlight and much to your displeasure, you still sleep with one.

You’ve tried to get help before but all the psychiatrists you’ve seen couldn’t help you, no matter how much medicine they’ve prescribed to you. They diagnosed you to have nyctophobia, which is the irrational fear of night time or the darkness. Over the years, you’ve learned to accept it because it wasn’t going anywhere, and the one person who didn’t give you shit about it was Tom.

It was near the end of your trip when he snuck over to your hotel room in the middle of the night because he wanted to hang out. You two had gotten close since you arrived, so it wasn’t strange that he would do this. You weren’t expecting him to come over, so you were in your bed, nightlight in its socket, and a book in hand.

He found out about your anxiety problem and decided to comfort you rather than laugh at you. He admitted he had an anxiety problem so he understood why you wanted a nightlight. Before Tom, you never really connected with someone as well as you connected with him. When your trip ended, you were sad you probably weren’t ever going to see him again. So, much to your surprise, when he asked you for his number, you honestly didn’t know what to do. You ended up giving it to him and 5 years later, you two were dating and living together.

He was your rock, and you didn't know what you would do without him. Instead of you leaving the life you build in New York to live with him in London, he was the one who moved. It wasn’t a big deal to him since he did a lot of traveling anyway. Because of his sacrifice, you had a feeling you two would be together for quite some time. It’s not often a man would move across the world just to live with you. Thomas was something different.

Lately, things had winded down after Tom was finished filming his latest movie. It hadn’t been released yet, but you’ve seen it in a private screening. No matter the movie genre, Tom never failed to surprise you. You knew he was a good actor before you met him but now that you got a taste of his personal life, it made his acting ten times stronger.

But, he was done with filming which meant that he was able to stay home with you. The upcoming weeks would be filled with movie nights, take out dinners, and being with one another. New York was a magical place but it had its downfalls. One of them being blackouts. It didn’t really help with your anxiety, but they were rare, so you didn’t worry too much about them. You tried not to think of your anxiety too much. Singing usually helped you calm down, and since you were busy thinking of tonight, you didn't want to seem anxious.

Picking one of your favorite Ariana Grande songs from her new album, you started to sing it loudly, knowing Tom was downstairs. The words flowed easily out of your mouth as you tried to harmonize. You weren’t the best singer in the world, but you couldn’t care enough to stop. Lathering shampoo in your hand, you slathered it on your hair, massaging it gently. You continued to sing your heart out, not hearing the door open and close.

Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin' And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin' Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin' And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'

Sometimes it's hard to find, find my way up into the clouds Tune it out, they can be so loud You remind me of a time when things weren't so complicated All I need is to see your face

“You know, you sing better than you think, darling,” Tom said which caused you to jump 50 feet from your body.

“You scared me,” you said, as you quickly rinsed the shampoo out of your hair. When you were done, you slid the curtain opened to look at his face.

“Sorry, you know I love the sound of your voice,” Tom smiled at you.

“Okay, I know you’re here to sneak up on me. What’s up? I’m almost done in here.”

“I just called the restaurant to confirm our reservation, but they’ve told me I wasn’t on the list. They don’t know what happened, and I tried making a new one, but the wait time is far too long. Do you think you’d be okay with me making dinner tonight?”

“You know I don’t mind. I’d actually rather just stay in with you. We can have dinner and then a movie night? I’ve laid out the movies I’d like to watch,” you grinned.

“Yes, I saw them. So, you’d rather watch Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield but not me? I am a little offended,” Tom smiled despite his words.

“You know I love your Spiderman movie, I just like the plot line a little better in the other ones. I promise, I’m not cheating on your Spiderman,” you giggled.

“I know, I’m teasing you. I’ll be downstairs when you’re done. You should still wear the dress you have out,” Tom nodded as he walked to the door.

“You think so?”

“I know so,” he winked at you before leaving the bathroom. You chuckled and went back to your shower and your song. As you were nearing the end of the song, you grabbed the bar of soap to wash your body when the lights turned off in the bathroom. Almost instantly, fear spiked in your mind as your heart rate increased.

“TOM!” you screamed, dropping the bar of soap. You didn't know why the lights were off, all you knew is that you needed to get to a source of light. It’s one thing to be in the dark while in your room or the kitchen, but to be stuck in the dark while in the bathroom, that was a whole different ballpark. Feeling around the shower, you quickly turned off the water and pulled back the curtains.

“TOM!!!” you screamed again, stepping out of the shower. Tears brimmed the surface of your eyes as they tried to adjust to the darkness. Your hand made contact with the marble countertop and tried to feel your way to the door. Yes, you were still naked, but you couldn’t care about that.

Instantly, your mind created lurking monsters, ready to grab you at any moment. Growing up, you called these monsters your demons, and they very well could be. As you made your way to the door, you connected with a hard body just as arms wrapped around you. Almost instantaneously, a scream left you as you tried to get away. Somehow, you thought your monsters materialized and were ready to grab you.

“Y/N, you’re okay, it’s just me,” Tom said and you fell into his body, letting out the sob that begged to be released the moment the lights turned off.

“I’m scared, Tom,” you cried as your shoulders shook. “They’re going to get me. Don’t let them get me.”

“You’re going to be okay. I’m right here, I won’t let anyone touch you,” he stated as he wrapped a towel around your quivering body. He pulled out his phone and turned on the flashlight so you could see what was around you. When you looked up at his face, you could see from the corner of your eyes, the monsters shying away from the light.

“They’re all around us,” you whispered, fear gripping your voice as well as covering your features.

“Darling, look at me,” Tom spoke, turning the phone so the flashlight pointed upward, and illuminated his face. “No one is here but us. There are no monsters, that's just your mind playing tricks on you. Besides, if there were, I wouldn’t let them touch you. Come on, let’s go downstairs where the candles are. We can’t have dinner since it’s a blackout but we can order something. You’re perfectly safe with me.”

“Don’t leave me,” you cried, letting the tears fall freely.

“I won’t ever leave you. Come on, take my hand,” Tom held out his hand which you took, “I’m right here.”

“Okay,” you whispered, and if he weren’t standing so close to you, he probably wouldn’t have heard it. Tom gently and slowly led you out of the bathroom, your bedroom, and to the stairs. Slowly, he directed you down, knowing you needed to go slow. When you got like this, he had to treat you with such delicacy or else you would have a bad panic attack, and have what he calls “blackouts”. You gripped his hand tightly, and despite your efforts, you couldn’t calm your racing heart.

“Tom, I’m scared,” you shivered, but he didn’t stop.

“I know you are, darling. We’re almost there. You’re doing great, I’m so proud of you,” he encouraged you to make it to the living room. “Okay, just wait here and I’ll get the candles…”

“No, I don’t want to be alone. Please, take me with you,” you begged.

“Okay, okay, let’s go to the kitchen,” Tom didn't argue with you and took you to the kitchen. Both of you searched and grabbed as many candles as you could. The more you had, the better you would feel. Going back to the living room, you used Tom’s phone camera to set them around the room. After you were done, you sat on the couch while Tom lit all the candles. The dimness the candles provided wasn’t ideal, but it was better than sitting in the dark.

“Okay, I’m going to go upstairs and get you some clothes. Will you be okay?” Tom asked, and you nodded. You had to get over this fear and to do that, you had to be alone in the dim light. “I’ll be 2 minutes,” Tom left you alone and rushed up the stairs, eager to get back to you as soon as possible.

Monsters that your mind created, stood in the shadows, watching you. Some of them laughed, some of them sneered but most of them just stared at you. There were so many creatures around you, that you had to tell yourself they weren’t real.

“Go away, you’re not real,” you whispered to yourself, bringing your knees to your chest. The towel fell from your body, leaving you exposed to whoever was watching you. The demons hissed and sneered at you, but you covered your ears to block the sounds out.

“Please go away. I don’t want you here. Leave me alone. Tom!!” you yelled for him. He usually made them go away.

“I’m right here,” he said from behind you. You jumped, not expecting him to be this close to you. “You’re alright. I’m here.” He moved to the front of the couch and helped you put on his clothes. He knew how much you liked it when you wore his clothing.

“Make them go away,” you sniffled, staring at him with puffy eyes, “please.”

“Okay, how about this,” he started to say as he took a seat next to you on the couch. He made sure you were paying attention to him and nothing else, “what kind of date do you want to go on?”

“What do you mean?” you sniffled.

“Tell me your perfect date. Where you want to go, what you want to do, who you want to be with,” Tom smiled.

“Well, I want it to be with you,” you smiled, some of the demons disappearing. “We’d go to my favorite place to hang out when I was a kid. I’d go there all the time to be alone. There is a park near my childhood house and if you go deep enough into the woods, you’d see a tree--my tree--with a big, hollowed out trunk. I’d take blankets and books there, only to have my parents yell at me when they couldn’t find the stuff I had taken. I’d love to go back there with you. It’s not far from here, actually.”

“I’d love to go there with you. It sounds like a lovely place,” Tom smiled. You were about to say more about it when you looked behind Tom and didn’t see anything. The demons your mind concocted had been long gone. Your mind was free of the poison your anxiety filled you with.

“Tom?” you whispered.

“Yes, love?”

“They’re gone. All of them are just… gone.”

“I knew you could do it,” Tom smiled and pulled you into his body. “You did it all on your own.”

“You make them go away,” you whispered, and settled into his body.

“I would suggest we watch those movies you wanted, but seeing how the power is out, why don’t I get my laptop and we can watch something on Youtube, yeah?”

“Sounds perfect,” you smiled, and he let you go to stand up.

“You’re going to be okay while I’m gone?”

“Yeah, I go this,” you smiled, confident in yourself to keep the demons at bay.

If you want to be tagged, add yourself to this document!

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eteeweeteeeee · 7 years ago

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Took My Breath Away (G.D)

Summary: Y/N has been stressed lately and hasn’t told anyone, including Grayson. When he leaves her home for the night to finish her school work, she ends up having a panic attack. She soon realizes that there’s only one person can really calm her down. Request: Hi! I was wondering if you can do an imagine where y/n is having a panic attack and Grayson or Ethan (whoever you think fits better) comes and calms her down? Love your writing btw, thank you!!

Word Count: 1.4k+

Warnings: A little cussing, mentions of anxiety/anxiety attacks

A/N: Hey guys, I’m sorry I’ve been gone. Things have been hard recently. This is my first time writing in a few weeks and it felt good to be active. I like this one, so I hope you guys do too. Love you guys💕

*Abbreviation Key: Y/n- your name; Y/n/n- your nickname*

For as long as you can remember, you’ve had anxiety. This crushing feeling always looming above your head, inevitably closing in. Recently, however, the crushing feeling is no longer lurking above you, but inside you. Your job has been hell, school has been more stressful than it has in a long while, and time seems to be working against you. And tonight, it finally got to you.

Grayson had been out with Ethan for the past few hours, trying to give you the space he thought you needed to write your essay, which was due the next day. Little did he know, that you were about to break. Your hands began shuddering, your fingers no longer colliding with your keyboard willingly. You tried to slow your thoughts and your breathing but it all happened so fast. Your chest began heaving rapidly – up down, up down, up down. Your hand gripped the side of your head, “Come on Y/n,” up down, “ come on.” You backed away from the desk at which you were previously working, claustrophobia taming your mind. You stumbled from the chair, grasping your rising chest forcefully, as if holding on would keep you from letting go. Your body was shaking violently, arms latching to anything stable enough to hold. Every sound aside from your breathing was dulled, you hadn’t even noticed the front door being pushed open. Your mind was racing, but the rest of the world was in slow motion.

You were going to throw up.

“I can’t, I can’t,” you were sobbing now. Grayson’s arms found their way around you again as you shook unintentionally from his grasp the first time. He gingerly took your face in his hands and turned you towards him. “Y/n,” up down, “Y/n look at me,” you were shaking your head, not knowing what for. “Please, please make it stop,” wet paths trailed down your cheeks “please” you wheezed, clawing for air. “Grayson, Gray-” “Y/n, its ok,” you met his gaze but quickly looked away, after seeing tears flowing from his eyes. His voice was raised but his tone was gentle. It hurt so bad. “Y/n I need you to look at me,” all you could do was cry, it wouldn’t stop. The tears forced themselves from their ducts, falling from your damp eyes.

Grayson was on his knees in front of you, looking at your face, trying to make it stop. He wanted to take the pain away. Take it and burn it, as though it were all just pages from a book of nightmares. It broke him, seeing you in agony and not able to help you.

Grayson was struck with an idea, “Y/n, I’m gonna need you to listen to me ok?” You were still panting, head emptied of all thought, lighter than a feather. You felt dizzy, but you nodded frantically at his request. “Can you do that for me?” He asked delicately. Again, a nod. “Okay baby, focus on how the air feels flowing through your body, alright?” You were so bent on trying to focus on the breath flooding from your body, a vicious river, its currents dragging you under, that you didn’t process the name he called you – baby. “Now start at the top of your head and notice its sudden heaviness. It’s becoming more relaxed, your muscles are relieved. Now to your shoulders.” You felt the tightening in them be released, as if you’d just had a massive weight lifted from your shoulders. “Good job, now slowly, breathe in, and as you do so, listen to your steadying heartbeat.” It was becoming calm. It was beginning to steady. It was maintaining its own rhythm; like it refused to dance to anyone else’s song but rather, created its own.

You focused on your dawdled breathing; the tension being withdrawn from your chest, like it was once a concentrated balloon which craved a release of pressure. Your chest was free of strain. You were feeling more relaxed. “Okay, Y/n/n, now to your abdomen,” you felt your torso unclench itself, as it was freed from the bondage of distress. “Now to your legs, they’re weary, no, exhausted.” He was right; they were cumbersome, but loose. They were slacken yet stable. “Keep going, focus back to your breathing. How every breath is no longer straining, but instead, freeing. You’re inhaling serenity and exhaling apprehension,” he began to breathe with you, dry tears shimmering on his cheeks. Your body was conciliated; free from the restraints which previously embraced it with the chains of anxiety. “Look at me,” you did, hazel eyes colliding with your own, “You’re safe, unscathed. Your muscles aren’t confined.” His words soothed you. His voice soothed you. He soothed you. Your mind was vacant; a blank canvas which awaits the creativity of such a beautiful conscious. Again, surveying your breathing. It’s steady, like the tranquil blanket of waves which encompasses the sea after a storm; now placid. Your lungs are cleansed of the dust which previously coated their walls, now exchanged with crisp air. “You’re alright. You’re going to be okay.”

He loosed a heavy sigh. You looked down at your hands to find them encapsulated by his. He opened his palms, revealing the indentations your nails had made from squeezing too hard. You pressed your hand to your mouth, “Grayson, I’m so sorry.” Your voice sounded strange, hoarse, like you’d been screaming for hours. “It’s okay. You’re okay.” His hand came up to cup your cheek, thumb caressing your skin. “Not just for that,” you said, gesturing to his hand, “for this. I’m sorry you had to see that, I never wanted you to see that. So, I’m sorry for scaring you. I understand if you want to leave.” His face lifted abruptly, confusion etched on his features. “What?” His eyebrows furrowed, “You thought I’d want to leave you?” Heartbreak flashed across his face. “I would never, never leave you. Especially not when you needed me.”

You looked up from your hands to find him already staring at you, a stare that stripped you bare in front of him. Vulnerable and open. Brokenness and all. Another tear fell from your eye. “Hey,” he said, tenderly, holding your chin with his thumb and raising your head. “Y/n/n, you don’t need to hide from me.” His thumb was gentle, as though he were afraid you’d shatter under his touch. “Why didn’t you tell me you had anxiety? I would’ve tried to help, I woud’ve-” “I know.” He looked at you, “I know what you would have done. But you have enough to worry about. I didn’t want to add ‘annoyingly anxious best friend’ to the list.” “Y/n, in no way, do you annoy me. I don’t ever want to hear that kind of shit come from your mouth again.”

Silence flowed between the two of you for a long moment before you spoke, a small smile creeping onto your lips, “I thought you’d be used to my shit by now, Dolan.” He flaunted his famous grin, a huff of laughter emitting from his mouth. “Yea, and I thought we’d established that being called ‘Dolan’ irritates the crap outta me.” He peaked up at you, lips slightly parted, a smirk plastered on his face. “Exactly,” you said, leaning forward so your faces were mere inches apart, as you whispered “Why do you think I still do it?” You bit your lip, as he watched your every move. He began lifting his head up to meet yours, your breath hitched but a wicked smile took over your face. You looked at his lips and pulled back slightly, enough to make him unable to reach and breathed “I think you need a mint, Dolan.” He beamed, dimples on full display. “ And I think you need to shut up,” he cupped your cheeks again, and connected your lips. A tornado of butterflies erupted in your stomach, a whirlwind of emotion. You could feel him smile beneath your kiss, causing you to do the same. You pulled away, he leaned forward, attempting to follow. “It’s about damn time, bup,” you giggled, actually giggled. “Well now that the ‘friend zone’ has officially been exited, I’m gonna do it again,” he smirked again, heat rushing to your cheeks. Before he had the chance to, though, you said “Thank you. For helping me, I mean.” He smiled softly at you, “Don’t worry about it. If you need me, I’m there. Regardless of the situation.” A smile tugged at your lips, as you let him abandon the ‘friend zone’ once more.

Thank you so much for reading!

If any of you guys are struggling with anxiety or depression, please tell someone. From someone who has had anxiety/depression for years, please know that you’re better off seeking help. Don’t keep it locked up, it’s not healthy and it’s not safe. If you need someone to talk to, I will be here for you. If you just need to rant or feel that you’re alone, please feel free to message me or slide into my asks. A storm is merely temporary; they come but they never remain. They flee, as the weather never meant to be bound to the darkness of thunderous rage. Your storm too shall pass, and the waves of your sea shall be steady. 💙

#grayson dolan #imagine #ethan dolan #dolan twins #cute #au

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itsyaboisayori · 7 years ago

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Why I’m questioning Sayori

I said I’d make this post so here it is! Even got on my laptop to properly do the post :p I’m just kinda winging this but I’ll try to list out everything I can. If I forget stuff I’ll go back and edit it later so if you’re curious, keep watch! I’ll reblog any time I make edits, at least somewhat big ones.

Also, replies are welcome! I’m open to constructive criticism and anyone wanting to offer new viewpoints. I accept that I’m still learning and nothing is for sure yet. Also tbh anyone telling me I sound like I’m kin is validating as heck so if you’re thinking it then I’d appreciate you saying it ahaha, but please don’t lie to me because you think you know what I want to hear. I want the truth. I don’t want to be a confused mess ;n; And I know all/most of these could be COMPLETELY unrelated to being Sayori fictionkin, but I feel like they’re worth mentioning anyways. It’s more like, a bunch of little coincidences rather than big solid evidence, I’m aware of that and that’s a big reason why I’m questioning and not for-sure Sayorikin.

One thing I realized just a couple of days ago is how, since I was a kid I’ve had this like, ideal thing I guess? how do I put this into words lmao my brain is dumb,, I guess a fantasy, that I’d fall in love with a childhood friend, like someone I’m close with from a young age but strictly friends for a long time. I’ve always been in love with the idea of falling in love with your best friend. And of course that’s what happens to Sayori, due to her programming in DDLC. And if I’m kin with Sayori from other game(s) rather than just DDLC then it definitely could be something unrelated, just a coincidence.

I’m like, really drawn to DDLC?? Maybe just because DDLC is a great game and I love all the creepypasta type stuff behind it all, all the theories and dark shit, and also I think just as a cute dating sim it’d be great anyways (but nowhere near as great). But idk, when I saw it I immediately felt kinda drawn to it but maybe that’s just in my head or for some other reason like the characters look nice or smth.

Also it REALLY gives me feels. It makes me feel things in general. I rarely get genuinely scared from fictional stuff anymore but this game fucked me up. I’m still scared to play it on my own because, even after watching multiple youtubers play it multiple times, it still fucking scares me.

The Sayori suicide scene and her poem- especially the poem- really get to me. I saw people making hanging puns in the previous video before her death so it was kind of spoiled for me but even still, it got to me. And the scene where Sayori is freaking out because you deleted Monika before playing the game REALLY gets to me,, like I just understand that overwhelming, helpless feeling. Especially finding out why she acted that way, it’s so fucking hard to watch that scene and normally I’m not affected by this kind of stuff. So either DDLC is extremely good at psychological horror or I have some sort of connection to the scenarios, whether that be just that I’ve been through similar things and am projecting (not really that I remember though? idfk brains are weird) or ya know,,, I once lived as someone in DDLC or whatever.

(TW self harm/suicide/choking) Probably has no real correlation but when I have panic attacks/flashbacks (unrelated to DDLC I mean) I feel like I’m choking or like I can’t breathe. And when really frustrated I tend to choke myself? Sayori died from asphyxiation instead of her neck being broken, by accident because she used a stepping stool instead of something higher like a chair and jumping off. Btw I’m okay, I never actually choke myself to the point to causing permanent damage or anything, and of course I’m not saying this is like, okay or anything. I know it’s bad but I’ve done it completely on impulse, and this was all before learning DDLC even existed. I’m working on getting better and I’m not going to kill myself or anything, just thought I’d mention this.

I relate to her personality,,, so fucking much. Not just the whole pretending to be happy to make your friends happy thing, but how she is as a person besides her depression. Tbh I feel like a lot of people relate to her because of her depression and how she deals with it, but like she’s so much more than that. She pretends to be dumb but it actually pretty smart. Maybe she’s not the best with words but I think she’s a lot more intelligent than some people think. She’s so cheerful, maybe even annoying, and is kind of the class clown, and is a total weirdo sometimes but it’s GREAT and just,, same lmao. Like “looks like my boobs are getting bigger again >:D” is something I’d say lolol I just love Sayori so much, like idc if I’m kin with her or not she’s still fucking amazing.

Another reason I relate to her but probably is like not at all proof I’m Sayori or anything, just thought I’d mention anyways, but I was kinda like, really in love with my guy friend in high school for years, he’s actually kinda like MC in some ways, like he was kinda popular with girls but not like Popular(tm), super nice and couldn’t directly say no, but he knew I was in love with him (or at least knew I had a crush on him but he probably had no idea I liked him THAT much but hey neither did I for a long time lmao) and didn’t like me back and even started intentionally avoiding me. Like, he would make up an excuse to not give me a hug, like he was late for class, but hugs only take like a fucking second what the hell?? It sucked but like when the player turns down Sayori I Relate.

I just,,,,, want to hug Natsuki like she’s fucking adorable and I want to protect her the most bc she’s like a precious child and she’s obviously abused by her dad. Tbh Yuri is a little creepy and for some reason I don’t like her that much but I mean I’d still hug her. I don’t hate Monika, like it was just her programming to do all that stuff she did so I don’t blame her and she’s p cool and I’d hug her too tbh. When Sayori interacts with Natsuki it makes me feel all warm n fuzzy. Like I don’t think in my canon Sayori and Natsuki were dating or anything, I think I/Sayori am/was just really protective? Idk, thought I’d throw that out there.

I also heavily relate to wanting to be a mediator and wanting to help everyone get along and be happy. I often (try to) play that role in this life. I’m extremely empathetic, so that’s prob why, but I can’t stand when people are fighting or can’t see each other’s point of view. Though it also frustrates the FUCK out of me when people refuse to or just absolutely cannot see any point of view but their own. Maybe that’s not really a Sayori thing but ye

When I look at Sayori I get the same “that’s me!” feeling as when I see my kintypes. Who knows though, maybe in a month or two it’ll fade, we’ll see I guess. But right now it is Very Strong. Like I’ve somewhat questioned being fictionkin with other characters before but I’ve never had the “that’s me” feeling this strong with anyone else. Ruby from RWBY is a close second but I still think she’s just a kithtype.

I feel like having a past life or whatever as someone who was experimented on kinda makes sense?? Maybe I just enjoy horror a little too much but I really think if I am Sayori I’m kin with her like actual her not just the DDLC version of her. The new game hasn’t even been announced yet but I’m so excited, mostly because I feel like I want to learn more about my possible past life I guess. I wanna see if things in the second game connect with me or if it’s just DDLC. But I feel like, if I’ve had any past lives as any humans, they were probably really dark or smth. I kinda have a dark mind I guess and that would just make sense to me lmao, like I’m 21 why haven’t I grown out of my edgy phase, why the fuck am I still really into creepypasta? Damn.

I’ve been kinda obsessed with DDLC lately. I have BPD so it could totally just be a BPD obsession thing and maybe this obsession will fade and someday I won’t care too much about DDLC, only time will tell. Also I’ve had the song Your Reality stuck in my head for a week straight but it may just be a catchy song and I tend to have a song that kinda automatically starts playing in my head occasionally, usually lately it’s been Sad Machine by Porter Robinson (good song btw highly recommend)

Most likely unrelated but Sayori’s hair has been described as “strawberry blonde” on one wiki and my hair is like, light brown but reddish, though it looks more like Monika’s hair, especially because I keep my hair long. I’ve been kinda wanting to cut it but I like having long hair tbh and I feel like a lot of ppl don’t want me to cut my hair haha, though I really wanna get a short wig and maybe wear that occasionally (esp bc I’m non binary and wanna pass as more boyish sometimes, I know society will never accept me as nb bleh but anyways). Though, it’s been said that the reason her hair is short is because it’s easier for her to deal with, but I’m not 100% sure if that’s canon. Though I guess it doesn’t matter much? cuz multiverse stuff n all but, still.

Speaking of her appearance, she seems to not care too much about how she looks, which I relate to haha, especially because of depression n stuff. I mean I have Crippling Social Anxiety(tm) so I do care to an extent but usually I’m like, if someone likes me they’ll like me for who I am not how I look anyways. I don’t feel the need to dress super proper to impress anyone in casual social situations, like making friends or even going on dates (though I’ve only been on a real date like a few times and they were with my gf who I’d already been dating online for a while). And yeah a big reason she’s so careless about her appearance is depression but I think if I wasn’t depressed and she wasn’t depressed we’d still both have that mentality like, we don’t need to impress anyone with our appearance so it’s better to just dress how you want, whatever way makes you feel comfortable and happy with yourself and your body, than focus on being proper and stuff.

Maybe I’m just projecting but man I feel like a lot of stuff I do and my ways of thinking and stuff are very Sayori(tm). I feel like I am so much like her, like she’s so me. Though of course, maybe my reason for being kin with her is purely psychological. Maybe I “became” her after seeing DDLC. Maybe I am her because I relate to her so much. But again, only time will tell. If I still feel like I identify as her (which, currently, I most definitely do) in a couple of months or so, then I guess I’ll start calling myself fictionkin. Idk.

#dc #tw suicide ment #self harm ment #ficitonkin #kin #ddlckin #ddlc kin #sayorikin #sayori kin #ddlc fictionkin #doki doki kin #doki doki literature club kin #hey uh I'm open to suggestions/comments/etc as long as you're not like here to tell me I'm stupid for thinking I'm fictionkin or some shit #thanks #questioning kin #questioning fictionkin #I appreciate help and advice guys

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goldenkiva · 4 years ago

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unfiltered rambling (this is a (long) vent post; cw for some irl death mentions, sui and self harm mention (nothing in reality), bad mental health time, all that jazz

well it’s 7:30 am and ive been awake since 4 am. which is an improvement really. i slept at 12:30am ish, in contrast to constantly sleeping at 8 am or later the past month or so. and it’s been taking a very bad toll on me lately mentally. everything has been building up and probably toyin’s death (yes the one who was found dead, we were classmates in middle/high school...) was my breaking point as i had a very bad panic attack a few days after. that lasted a good 22 hours before i fully calmed down. it always takes me 5-9 hours to calm down from anxiety or trauma related bad times as i have no real coping mechanisms and i will just literally do nothing but stay huddled up in bed until the unbearable feeling goes away. but that one. was just really bad. i think i also accidentally upset one of my best friends before that which also attributed to it (we’re fine now.) it’s been a bit since i had that panic attack but i still feel so bad all the time. sometimes i joke about wataru giving me chest pain bc i love him so much but i feel like i havent experienced physical emotion in so long i just want to feel it even if it’s painful. i dont self harm so dw about that btw. but i rarely shed even a single tear anymore when ive always been a total cry baby. i only cry full on tears and sobs now when im being over stimulated during a conversation. i just genuinely want to feel physically excited or happy or sad or whatever. i want to feel physical emotion again and not just numbness with an occasional laff or on the verge of getting watery eyes but not even real crying or whatever.

i also had to get a new phone bc my dumb clumsy self dropped my phone flat on the screen a second time and it was unrepairable which makes me sad bc i only had this phone for two years and it still ran perfectly well. i wanted to keep it for 3-4 years at least...i got a new one ordered yesterday and im splitting price with my dad n i just feel bad i had to get a new one at all bc because of covid and shit my parents are only getting half the usual business and we already dont make a ton. thankfully my parents and sister are the type to not spend recklessly in general (i am prob the biggest spender...) but that wont stop my dumb of ass generalized anxiety disorder from making me worry about bankruptcy or poverty or some other extreme. i hate it bc i cant do anything about these thoughts except just what feels like sitting in mud and i slowly sink in. i wish i was an artist with more clout because i desperately want to be have consistent (or any) income. even before covid i always feel bad about not having a job. ik it’s hard to balance school and work anyway so it’s fine if im not working but it sucks. american college is a scam. at least i didnt go to an art school. (well. i am in art program in college. but not going to an arts dedicated school like ringling. which is significantly more expensive. if i went to art school id be significantly more likely to end up in very heavy debt) but i hate having gad. i hate not having any real coping mechanisms. i feel frustrated and a little annoyed when i asked about coping mechanisms for my anxiety with my therapist she just told me breathing exercises. which ig can be valuable but ik in my heart this wont help me at all. perhaps it’s un-dx’d adhd with rsd making me feel that way that makes me refuse to even want to do them. all my medical and health issues are also a contribution to my gad and financial terrors. sometimes it makes me wanna die but i wont do that. bc my friends and family would genuinely be very heartbroken if i were to suddenly be gone especially if by my own hand. i wouldnt want anyone to blame themselves either...

the only things genuinely making me feel anything lately is wataru and buck tick. it almost makes me a little upset how little amount of things make me happy or even feel anything rn. im reading a tragedy visual novel rn (which is very good and well written and i generally like tragedies and i find them indulgent) that i am enjoying very much yet i feel barley anything while reading it. i immensely miss the buck tick concert streams so bad. watching them over the month and half they streamed every saturday morning really put how much they love making music and performing in a brand new light to me, and watching that last concert bestias locus solus was just. so amazing. i dont know how to talk about it other than i was genuinely touched. they went all out playing at that concert stage bc it was their first time performing there (at the time in their 31 year career, 33 this year) and the unplugged performances and sakura especially got me so hard. im not good with words so im not doing a good job at all expressing how much that concert (along with the day in question 2017) made me feel. i miss it. i want to buy the dvds so bad but theyre so expensive and now is not a time for reckless spending. but one day i will attain them and experience the happiness they bring me again. im sad my friends arent rly into them the same degree i am but ig it really is such a personalized feeling. i was already in a state of dread and depression when i got into the band. but im still glad my other friends enjoy them and tell me they enjoy their music. their stuff slaps. theyre just an amazing band. a band not restricted by genre. a band who makes music because they love it and love performing and love their fans and dont get warped in the ideas of fame or fortune, and are fully okay with being normal people...a band with the same line up since their pro debut in 1989 because the members all love and care about each other so much. theyre still going strong in their mid to late 50s as they were in their late teens. they make me so happy...

well it’s 8 am now and if youve read this whole thing, thanks i guess? that sounds rude, but im just kinda sittin in the mud. im still in the midst of cleaning my room. i am not someone to recklessly hurt myself or anything like that so dont worry about that. i’ll be fine. probably. if you wanna listen to buck tick heres their spotify :) i recommend their albums atom miraiha no. 09, no.0 (especially the live performance version), kuratta taiyo, darker than darkness style 1993, aku no hana, and their kemonotachi no yoru/rondo double single. they slap so good. also spotify is missing literally like 15 years worth of their music from the 00s-10s. you can find downloads online though. theyre also releasing a new single in august im very excited for it. also, the singer of the band (atsushi sakurai) did a collab with sheena ringo where he sung the bg vocals of her song elopers, which was also made in sakurai’s image and she got it really dead set on tbqh. sheena ringo loves bt so yall should too :)

#jack txt

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