#this song broke me fyi

[napuleh]

e cerca ‘e me capì vorrei strappare mille occasioni e poi fuggir lontano me so’ scucciato ‘e parlà’ e dire ogni volta quel che ho dentro e poi star male e poi suonare, suonare

[concreteangel92]

Behind Closed Doors

Noah Sebastian x female reader x Andy Biersack

18+

Warnings: threesome, double penetration, oral (female and male receiving) dom/sub kink, PiV, clit slapping, Noah just having a god complex, pretty certain that’s it

A/N: ok it’s finally here haha it’s my first time writing a threesome so do forgive me if it’s not the best, this idea hasn’t left my brain for months now, I mean come on, who doesn’t want to be the filler in that sandwich 🥵

I do plan on writing an alternate ending as I couldn’t decide which one I wanted so this is the first, the alternative ending will be even filthier just fyi, but who doesn’t live for that? 😏

Also couldn’t think of a better name and I’m listening to cassyette’s song at the moment and it kind of fits ahaha

@thefallennightmare the tag you requested haha

And if anyone ever wants to be tagged then do let me know!

Masterlist

Alternate Ending

You’d been married to your husband Andy Biersack for 4 years now, together for 6 in total. There was nothing you hadn’t done together…well almost nothing.

Black Veil Brides were setting out on their next tour and you couldn’t believe it when they announced that Bad Omens would be supporting them, you were a huge fan of the band and their music, not to mention that the lead singer was incredibly easy on the eye.

Andy knows you have your ‘celebrity crush’ on Noah, you’d made it no secret so he found it very amusing to see your reaction when he told you.

“Bad Omens are supporting you? Seriously?”

“Yep”

His smirk evident on his face, you could already see him teasing you for weeks over this.

••••••

You were hanging out back stage with the BVB boys on the first night of the tour, you could feel the excitement in the air, it was their biggest tour to date and you couldn’t have been more proud of them.

You had yet to meet Bad Omens as you’d arrived after the sound checks, Andy of course couldn’t help but making the odd joke here or there.

“Try not to cream your pants when you meet him”

“Maybe I’ll mention how much you ‘admire’ him”

“Think you’ll be able to speak?”

Each time you sent a playful glare in his direction, but secretly hoping you didn’t make a fool of yourself, although you love your husband with all your heart, you couldn’t deny the butterflies in your stomach right now. Nothing wrong with a harmless crush, not like anything would ever happen.

You could hear footsteps coming down the hall and the sound of laughter as the door opened, the boys of Bad Omens stepping through. Noah was the last in and you felt your breath catch in your throat.

He was gorgeous.

Noah’s dark eyes fell onto you and you felt your cheeks go warm, his gaze was incredibly intense, like he could see into your soul intense.

Andy chuckled next to you which broke your stare, he walked up to Noah and shook his hand, you took notice that there wasn’t that much of a difference between their height and seeing the two of them next to each other was nearly enough to make you go in to cardiac arrest, although very different from each other, they were no doubt the hottest men you had ever seen.

“Good to see you man, let me introduce you to my wife y/n”

Noah’s eyes fell back into you and he gave you a warm smile.

“Pleasure to meet you”

”You too”

You held your hand out to him which he took, his hand completely engulfing yours.

“I’m a big fan of the band, your vocals are incredible”

“Thank you that means a lot”

You pulled your hand away and stepped back, Andy then introduced you to the rest of the band, not missing Noah’s gaze lingering on you.

••••••

You settled yourself into the wings, just out of the way but waiting to see Bad Omens perform, it was your first time seeing them and you couldn’t wait.

You felt a presence come up next to you and heard Noah in your ear.

“I hope you enjoy the show”

You looked up to see his mask covered face, your stomach doing an instant flip.

“I’m sure I’m going to love it, good luck to all of you”

You saw him smile and then the lights went out on stage and you heard the crowd roar as their intro played over the speakers.

Seeing Bad Omens live was everything you ever dreamed it would be, Noah’s vocals and the guys musical talent were impeccable. And you did have to silently kick your feet every time you caught Noah’s eye from the wings, something that became a recurring theme throughout their set.

••••••

The tour seemed to be a great success, you were along for the ride and watched both bands every night they played from the side of the stage, neither one of them getting old, if anything they just got better with each set.

Andy’s teasing of you around Noah hadn’t got any better, he hadn’t done it in front of Noah of course as he would never embarrass you like that but if he noticed you gazing at him a bit too long then a quick remark would be whispered in your ear with a dark chuckle, he loved to see you squirm at any opportunity. You were surprised he was as cool as he was, but you were both incredibly comfortable with each other and trusted the other that a harmless crush didn’t concern him, if anything, it just gave him joy to tease you about it. This all changed one night near the end of the tour.

••••••

“You trust me right?”

Andy’s question took you by surprise.

“With my entire life, why?”

“What if I was to tell you that I’ve sort of arranged something, something that we’ve never done before but I need your consent before it continues”

You felt your face screw up in confusion.

“What for?”

“I know you want to fuck Noah”

His bluntness caused your eyes to go wide.

“What? Andy you don’t have to worry about that, yes I’ve had a ‘celebrity crush’ or whatever you want to call it on him but I’d never cheat on you, you’re my whole world”

He chuckled.

“Oh I’m well aware, I’m not worried about that at all, you know I love and trust you. But I’d be blind if I didn’t see the way he looks at you back, he’s very respectful of the fact your my wife but he’s not been able to keep his eyes off you since the tour started”

“I mean, I guess he does…look at me but nothing would happen”

“Do you want it to?”

You nearly choked on your own salvia while Andy held your gaze with a serious expression on his face, surely this was a joke?

“W-what?”

“Noah. Would you like to fuck him? If I gave my consent to it and I’d have to be there for it, would you like it to happen?”

You felt a pool of heat in your core at the images that suddenly flooded your mind, the two of them together, that’s enough to make anyone fold.

“I don’t….what am I meant to say here?”

“Be honest with me. I spoke to Noah earlier, he obviously was surprised at first at what I was proposing but he said if we both were comfortable then he’d be willing”

“Willing to sleep with me while you watch?”

This couldn’t be real, this must be a dream….a very potential wet dream.

“Oh I’d be joining in with you at some point, can’t let him have all the fun”

Andy had a playful smirk on his face but soon had his serious expression back.

“I’m saying to you that I can see that you both want to fuck each other, this opportunity would probably never happen again and I love you so much that I want you to be happy and seeing you happy makes me happy. I wouldn’t even think of suggesting it if I was uncomfortable. I’m ok with another man touching you as long as I’m there and involved. How do you feel about this?”

You took a minute to respond, your partner of 6 years is suggesting a threesome with the man you’ve got a crush on. You two had never brought anyone else into the bedroom before, hadn’t even really discussed it other than a throw away joke comment here or there about a celebrity. But you knew Andy wouldn’t do anything he didn’t want or was comfortable to happen and for him to have already approached Noah, meant he was deadly serious, and you’d be lying if you said this wasn’t your biggest fantasy.

“And Noah said he was up for this?”

“More then up for it I imagine”

You laughed at his dry joke, some things never changed.

“Any rules?”

“No, only that I’m there and if I say stop then it stops if I become uncomfortable with it. But as it stands now, for one night you can have your little fantasy of having both of us come true”

Andy moved closer to you and brought his hand up into your face.

“Want to be dominated by both of us baby?”

Your mouth fell open as you felt yourself clenching on nothing. You were more than ready for this.

“When?”

“After the show tomorrow night when we have the hotel”

••••••

You decided to skip the show tonight, although you were about to live out your biggest fantasy, the thought of seeing them both on that stage was a bit too much to handle, you didn’t want risk the rest of the guys from each band figure out something was going on if you couldn’t control yourself around them. Although you’d seen Noah briefly earlier in the day and didn’t miss the devilish smirk he gave you before going off to lunch with Nick, CC and Lonny.

Now here you were waiting in your room for Andy and Noah to come back from the venue. The nerves were slightly kicking in, you’d never done this before and hoped you didn’t mess anything up.

Your phone screen lit up with your husband’s name, he’d sent a text with a simple instruction.

‘On our way up, strip down to your underwear’

You immediately felt the need to obey and pulled your clothes off and sat on the bed, a fuzziness starting within your mind.

The sound of the door unlocking perked you up and in walked Andy and Noah, who locked the door behind them.

“Told you she was obedient”

Noah hummed in response, his eyes nearly black as he looked you up and down like you were his last meal.

“Last chance to back out, if anyone has changed their mind then now is the time”

You shook your head and looked at Noah for his answer.

“I’m good”

You watched as Andy sat down in one of the chairs across from the bed, still not quite believing that he was going to watch another man fuck you, it was a side you’d never seen to him before.

You looked back at Noah, motioning for him to come over.

“What do you want?”

You couldn’t help but smirk as Noah caught the obvious nod to one of his own songs.

“I’ve dreamed of nothing more then to have my face buried between those pretty thighs of yours”

“Yes please”

Noah pulled you in for a quick kiss before pushing your shoulders back so you were lying on the bed, he then proceeded to pull your underwear down your legs, your knees instinctively closing together.

“Keep them open for me”

You opened your legs wide and saw your husband leaning forward in the chair, his trousers looking considerably more tight as he watched the two of you.

Noah wasted no time in diving in, he licked one firm strip up your centre. You raised your hips slightly, desperately trying to grind into his face, Noah brought one hand up to your stomach to pin you in place and he then attached his mouth to your clit and sucked hard, he then went down and groaned when he finally tasted you properly.

You couldn’t stop the moans that left your mouth, Noah was making your head spin in the most beautiful way, you glanced over at Andy to see he had already stripped himself off his shirt and his trousers were pulled down slightly and he was touching himself while watching, his beautiful blue eyes had definitely gone a few shades darker. The knowledge of your husband getting off on you enjoying the pleasures with another man was intoxicating, Andy was in control of this, if he wanted it to stop then it would but he was loving it as much as you were.

Your focus was brought back to Noah when you felt him slipping his finger inside, the sound of your wetness hitting your ears.

“Fuck Noah”

You could feel your high building, Noah was devouring you with his mouth with no sign of letting up.

“Oh my god, please don’t stop”

Noah added a second finger and kept the rhythm, you can feel your core throbbing, pulsing, clenching, your stomach is now painfully tight, he brought his head up briefly.

“God isn’t here beautiful, now cum for me and say my name”

And you did, you felt that coil in your stomach snap on his command and cried out for him, back arched and thighs shaking and clamped around his head.

“N-Noah!”

Noah carried you through your orgasm and through the aftershocks that racked your body until you felt too sensitive and pushed his head away.

As you came back down to earth, you saw Noah stripping himself of his clothes and you then heard your husband’s voice.

“Don’t be gentle with her, she can take it hard, can’t you angel?”

You nodded silently but then felt a hard smack from Noah on your sensitive clit.

“Answer him”

“Fuck…yes sir”

You looked at Noah and marvelled at his size, in all aspects, he was so broad and intimidating and you wanted nothing more than for him to ruin you.

Noah pulled on your thighs so you were lined up with him, he ran his head over your slick folds a couple times before he pushed himself all the way in, the feeling of him stretching you out was verging on painful as he spilt you apart, he didn’t give you any time to adjust before he started a ruthless pace, his hips slamming into yours as he held your thighs onto his chest, you swore in this position you could feel him hitting your stomach with every thrust.

“Oh my fucking god”

You know what you’d said as soon as you said it, so it was also no surprise when you felt Noah’s hand wrap around your throat and squeezing down, not once faltering in his thrusts.

“What did I just say? God isn’t here but I’m going to fuck you to the point you’ll think you’ll see him”

And that was all the warning you got, Noah kept his hand around your neck and pounded into you so hard you were seeing stars, at that moment, your brain became empty, no coherent thoughts at all.

“You’re so fucking cock drunk for me princess”

Your body started to tense, you knew you were about to fall so far over the edge, you just needed something more, Noah, although new to your body, seemed to know straight away and reached his other hand down and started to rub hard, fast circles on your clit and that was enough to have you screaming out with tears falling down your face, you felt Noah slam into you a few more times before he pulled his hips back and he emptied himself onto your stomach with a loud guttural groan.

“Fuck…”

You turned your head to see Andy had risen from his chair, taking what clothes he had left off, his dick looking painful hard in his hand.

“I’m going to need to fuck you baby, that was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen but I need to feel you now.”

Noah sat back against the headboard while Andy rolled you into your front and brought you up onto your knees with your ass in the air.

“Why don’t you show me what that pretty mouth can do while he fucks you?”

Looking up at Noah you saw that he was still hard and clearly ready to go again, you nodded your head and reached out to stroke his hard length, you felt Andy enter you from behind, your walls instantly clenching around him as he started to move, a choked moan falling from your lips before you took Noah into your mouth, his hand gripping into your hair while he started to rut up into you.

The feeling of being filled from both ends was like nothing you’ve ever felt before, you felt so full, both men using your holes almost like you were just some sex toy for them to play with and my god you were loving every second of it. You moaned around Noah’s cock while you had your husband slamming into you, his hands bruising your hips and slapping your cheeks, you soon felt your second orgasm approaching.

You moaned again around Noah’s length and felt his grip in your hair tighten, you looked up and saw his head had fallen back, his thrusts were becoming sloppy, you reached down to gently massage his balls and sucked hard and heard him stutter out “shit I’m going to cum” before you felt him finish down your throat, you swallowed every drop, your own end on the brink when you felt Andy reach his hand around your front.

“Give us one more angel, I know you can” his voice sounding incredibly strained.

You cried out at the same time that you felt your husband cum inside you and virtually collapsed onto Noah’s legs, your body shaking and sweaty and your vision going black momentarily.

You felt someone stroking your hair out of your face and another hand on your back, no idea who was whose but it was enough to bring you back down to earth.

You opened your eyes and saw that Noah has his hand in your hair and Andy was next to you rubbing his hand up and down your back, you were rolled over gently and then felt Noah using a warm cloth to clean your stomach off before discarding it next to the bed.

“You were such a good girl baby, you coming back to us? You took us so well, my best girl always”

You smiled at your husband’s praise, you felt Noah go to get off the bed and reached out to grab his arm.

“Will you stay a while?”

Noah glanced at Andy who nodded his consent and Noah smiled at you while settling back down.

“Of course…that was fun”

You all giggled and you cuddled up in between them. Andy then spoke up.

“Well maybe it doesn’t have to be a one night thing”

You had a feeling the rest of the tour was going to be interesting.

[luvhiromi]

i love you, i'm sorry | satosugu

content: inspired by gracie abram's song "i love you, I'm sorry". so basically this is about gojo's pov about geto and i thought the bridge from that song was perfect for it. the lyrics in this fic are in italic but not bold just an fyi for you guys. happy reading!

c/w: satosugu itself is a warning, angst.

w/c: 664, so short ik

He was… everything. In the quiet of the night, his words linger like a beloved whisper, soothing my soul and filling my heart with comfort. He says my name in such soft loving whispers that send shivers down my spine. In his arms, I find my sanctuary, a warm embrace that shields me from the world. With him, we were the strongest. 

Unfortunately, he is just a wistful memory. I always find myself drifting back to the times we've shared. Those memories both warms me and leaves me yearning for him. I’ve always thought of the laughter we shared under the summer sky, the quiet whispers in the night, and the way his eyes would be shaped like a crescent moon when he smile.

I’ve always thought how I didn’t realize. How sudden everything about him seems so gray. He was so devoid of color, lost all of his brightness. When I finally saw, It was all too late wasn’t it? You’ve made up your mind. I couldn’t bring myself to hate you for it. 

Suguru. Do you know what a wistful memory is?

Here’s a brief definiton:

Wistful Memory, moments have become—bittersweet, tender, and ever so precious. They are the echoes of our love, lingering in my soul, reminding me of what we had, what we have, and what we will always carry with us.

When I saw your mind and body conquered by another when you have no control of it… Your soul still recognize me didn’t you? You were standing right before me, my brain and my eyes knew it was you. But my soul said otherwise. 

You were the best as much as you were the worst. You were the sweetest of dreams, wrapping me in bliss, and the most haunting of nightmares, killing my peace. You were my greatest joy and my deepest sorrow, the one who lifted me high above the clouds, only to let me fall into the abyss. You were everything good that ever happened to me, and everything that broke me, all at once.

As sick as it sounds, I loved you first. In the quiet corners of my soul, where no one dared to pursue, I loved you—long before the world made it seem wrong. It started long before the higher-ups told I had to execute you. And though it may never be understood, it was the first love, the truest love, that I ever knew. 

I was a dick, a habit to kick and age-old curse. Times I pushed you away, not because I didn’t care, but because I didn’t know how to show it. I’ve carried the weight of my own shortcomings, the scars of past mistakes. It’s not easy to break free from the patterns that have haunted me for so long. 

I tend to laugh whenever I’m sad, I stare at the crash it actually works. My laughter becomes a balm, soothing the wounds that losing you has carved. I gaze at the wreckage of my life, the chaos and the pain laid bare before me, and in that midst, I find a strange sort of solace. Laughter becomes my defiant cry against the darkness. Laughter has become the wall to guard my past, charmed with humor as people say. 

Making amends, this shit never ends. The quest for redemption feels like a relentless tide, washing over the shores of my regret, where every effort to amend seems to dissolve into an unending sea of resolution. It feels like rubbing salt into my wound every time I saw you. I couldn’t bare to do it when I first saw you, I don’t know if I regret it.

I’m wrong again. I was always wrong, seeing only shadows where there was light. As time unfolded, it got worse.  I’ve misread the map of your soul, casting shadows where light was meant to dwell. Your presence was my guiding star. My one and only best friend. 

Love is the the most twisted curse of all. I love you Suguru, I’m sorry.

a/n: my first fic here! english ain't my first language so don't be too harsh on me. i recommend reading this while listening to the song. i also saw an edit of them with this song in tiktok *chef's kiss* it's so good.

[thecoolerliauditore]

pearl needs to run away from Scott. let him GO!!! I promise Pearl, i promise, he doesn't love you. he loves the idea of you. he loves who he thinks you should be. not the real you, not the one with flaws, not the one he traumatized and broke into a million little pieces and had to learn to pick herself back up again, with the help of the very few people who would help her bandaged hands sort through those glass shards. he wouldn't help you then!! he doesnt deserve you now!!!! please girl, LEAVE HIM!!!!

and look. I know she's loyal. I know she'll probably never leave, because she loves the idea of him too, not the person he really is. she loves the memory of her best friend from a past life, not the man who would hurt her and pretends its all her fault. but. BUT hear me OUT.

gems right there. gem, who she wanted to ally with so bad last season. gem who was excited to see her, who welcomed that broken piece of her with open arms and wasn't scared when she met the scarlet pearl. gem, that killed pearl twice, that pearl was still willing to fight a final time, in what would have likely been a third death for pearl. she can go to her. she can GET OUT!!! she can get help, she just has to take that first step. she has to leave herself, but there's someone there she wanted to be friends with last season so bad, she can take that step now!

the only thing holding her back is her own loyalty. she's a dog on a leash of loyalty and now Scott and cleo have the other end. it's just a matter of if she can chew through it to run away or if it'll strangle her first

HELLO anon this is the anon ask that made me lay face up in my bed staring at the ceiling listening to when she loved she from toy story 2 on repeat fyi (it slowly morphed into nonsense speaker the rachie cover specifically over time. always been a pearl song to me but it was a bit melodramatic before this point. if it gets worse i might have to. i might)

It sucks so much it literally it literally sucks. What you said about them both loving ideas of eachother is so on point, they're both chasing something within the other that is innately self-contradictory.

Pearl wants to forgive him, but her version of "forgive" is to forgo her own feelings of spite and not challenge his view on things, which means she can never get the closure she needs to truly forgive him or get back the Scott she knew in LL.

Scott also wants Pearl back, the authentic one he knew in LL, but he also needs to whittle her down (cough) to something acceptable to him (in this case, shamed for her actions during DL) so his narrative doesn't get challenged. But that's not quite the Pearl he knew either! He can't have both a genuine connection with Pearl and have her exist solely as the concept of her he's created in his head, but he needs both and I really can't wait to see how that pans out. This paragraph is insane copium btw I do know I think you're a lot more correct than I am when you say he never actually loved her but I'm delusional. Logical side of me definitely thinks he's comfortable like this and if anyone's going to challenge this dynamic it's gonna be Pearl not Scott but what if man. What if.

Anyway I've seen so many people begging Gem to take Pearl in and I do get it I do. I personally have like one million fantasies about something like that as well. However I am calling on my Martyn Inthelittlewood clause and saying that I also do want to see Pearl deal with the consequences.

I'm so happy you said that she needs to leave herself because goddamn yes she does!! If Gem just kidnaps her that's just taking away her growth! If she does fuck off and join Joel/Gem btw this will be like. an absolutely hilarious parallel to Last Life. Fairy Fort welcome back none of us missed you. Would be fitting for this season.

The collar/leash imagery is so messed up man thanks. Reminds me of this Scott/Cleo fanart I wanted to draw at one point where they're cosplaying as Denji/Makima but in that halloween costume way where they don't know the characters or the implications. Sorry just had to throw that in there.

[spider-ghoul]

The Pain of losing him (Pt. 1?/Intro)

Summery: After Luke left, his girlfriend is alone to find herself. And as the years pass by, the girl with pretty hair becomes the Son of death.

FYI: This is part one of a fic I'm also posting on Ao3 and this is gonna serve as a background for the actual story (starting in chapter two) I'll be posting soon.

Sorry if this is bad lmao

No major content warning xx

~~~~~~~~~

When Luke Castellan was 19, he left. It was only three weeks after his birthday, the last week of july. He tried to take me with him, he really did. At night, as I toss and turn in my sheets, I can still hear his sweet voice filled with venom. 

“Darling, Please. Whoever Your Dad is still hasn't claimed you? Don't you think we could-” 

“Stop it luke. You’re crazy. I’m getting Chiron-” 

“Y/N, Darling, don’t.” 

And as i broke into a run, Something stung my ankle. When I woke up in the medic cabin hours later, he was gone. And a uncouncus Percy Jackson was beside me, his body turning in his unwanted sleep. 

I was fifteen then. My own birthday was coming up. I spent it at camp Half-blood without luke. Without knowing who my godly parent was. The Hermes cabin wasn’t the same without Luke, but I couldn’t leave camp. I attracted monsters like flies to honey. I didn’t know what else to do. I spent my nights in Luke's empty bed, any of the Hermes kids could have tried to take it from me. They didn’t. They missed the ghost of their brother just as much as I missed the ghost of my boyfriend. 

I was sixteen, when I went with the son of Poseidon to receive the golden fleece. It was supposed to be me, Percy, and Annabeth. And grover, after we rescued him. Clarisse tagged along. I hadn’t spoken to her, not since Luke. Believe it or not, they were friends. Despite the bickering and arguing, they were close. 

Talking to her again made it impossible to not think of him. 

Then, there were the sirens. Despite my better judgment, I tied myself up with Annabeth to hear their song. The first thing I saw was Luke. Then I saw myself. The scrawny girl was long gone. In her place, a boy. A boy with dark hair and eyes that matched mine. He looked like the boys in my old pinterest boards, in the stories with the morally gray characters. He looked like me. 

When Percy freed me from the ropes, and received Annabeth from the deep, which was horrifying. I asked Annabeth for her dagger. They were both horrified as the hair fell over the side of the boat, but as I ran my hand through my new hair, I smiled. 

When I went back to camp with Grover and the golden fleece, I went back to the Hermes cabin. And I still slept in his bed, but I felt so much better because not only was I a different person, I was myself. I talked to Chiron, and got a proper chest binder and then everyone knew I was a boy. 

I was still sixteen when My hair went from blonde, to brown, then to an inky black. The change in my hair was something I didn’t know how to feel about it. But it looked like me. And then, when I woke up from the nightmares of Luke, and I went outside to escape the restraints of his cabin, the grass died under my feet. I didn’t tell anyone. 

Percy Jackson was fourteen when his mom drove Grover, Thalia, Annabeth, Percy, and I to a boarding school. Me and Thalia had become quick friends and her anger towards Luke made me feel so, so much better. 

That was when I met two kids with the same dark eyes as me. I felt some uncanny urge to protect them. When the quest was put forward, I wanted to go. I didn’t. Not until a disheveled looking Percy Jackson found me that night. 

Percy promised Nico something that I didn’t quite hear. 

Percy Jackson Held up the sky. So did Annabeth Chase. And so did I. 

The cosmos weighed nothing compared to having to tell that little boy his sister was dead. I held his hand, and he said it, not to me, but to percy. 

“Where’s my sister?” 

I hugged him tightly as Percy handed him the last thing his sister wanted him to have. And the ground split open underneath me. 

As Nico ran, the dark blur over my head told both me, and Percy Jackson about my father.

[peonierose]

Losing Game (3/4)

Book: Open Heart

Pairing: Luna Auclair (F!OC) x Bryce Lahela (M!MC)

Rating: Mature / Angst

TW: Mental Health

Words: 3,000+

Summary: Bryce visited his dad in prison and now he and Luna are oceans apart, but after a scare during his surgery he can only think of one person to call.

A/N: In case you missed the parts before here they are: Part 1, Part 2

2nd A/N: I went a bit off canon with Bryce and what happened with his parents, just as an fyi. Also thank you for everyone for reading this story and giving it a chance 🩷

Side note: I also made a playlist for Part 3, the previous two parts include a playlist as well.

Maui, Hawaii 

A few years ago…

Bryce

I sang along to some song playing on the radio, still pumped from a round of basketball with my friends. I kicked Kainalu‘s ass and ran laps around him. I still can’t believe I beat him this time around, he cursed throughout the game. But it was just a game between friends.

When I turned the corner to our house I saw blue flashing lights, alerting me that something was wrong. I put the car in park and slammed the door as I got out.

Did something happen? This is a pretty safe neighborhood. My parents made sure we had the best-equipped security system around. The best money could buy.

Several cop cars have pulled up in front of our driveway. I saw two police officers escorting my dad into a police car. My eyebrows rose high. Not able to make sense of this whole situation and what is unraveling right in front of my eyes.

I ran towards the entrance of our house where officers were carrying out some of our things. Such as computers, laptops, phones, everything, and putting them into evidence bags. I kept staring as if this was a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.

When I wanted to enter our house an officer stopped me.

”You can’t get inside.“

”What do you mean I can’t get inside? I live here.“ I replied, with a sharpness I reserved for people who get on my nerves.

”Please Officer, that’s my son.“ My mom‘s voice came from the entrance. The officer looked me up and down and finally, after what felt like hours passed, he nodded and let me enter.

”Alright. He can enter. But don’t touch anything.“ He called out after me.

I got inside and my mom pulled me to the side.

”Let’s go to the kitchen.“ I followed my mom as if I were in a trance. My body moved, but my mind was somewhere else.

The questions kept circling in my head like hungry vultures ”What the fuck is going on here? Why are there cops in our home? Why did Dad get arrested? What did my parents get themselves into?“

I whirled on my mom, but she put her forefinger on her lips telling me with her eyes not to ask any questions that were burning on my tongue. Then she hugged me and whispered into my ear.

”Listen carefully, we don’t have much time. There’s a small bag in your sister's closet. Take it and get her out of here. There’s enough money that should last you for a while. Since I’m sure they froze all of our accounts.“

I wanted to break off the hug and look at my mom. But she held on tight.

”But…“

”Do as I say ku’uipo. Know that your father and I love you. Take care of your little sister until we figure things out. You hear me?“ My mom hissed. I nodded slightly. ”Good.“

We broke off the embrace and it’s as if I’m seeing a different mom. Not one who kissed my bruised knee when I fell from my bike as a seven-year-old, or who sang me Hawaiian songs when I had the flu.

She put her hand on my cheek as if she sought comfort from me. She kissed my cheek and a feeling of dread settled in my stomach. I let out a breath I’ve been holding in.

After a few seconds, I went upstairs. Before heading up, I took another look at my mom, tired lines had etched themselves into her bronze skin. I turned around, taking one last close look at her before I climbed the stairs leading to our bedrooms.

As I went up I looked for the bag my mom mentioned. Though Keiki is nowhere in sight. I sprinted to the closet and when I opened it I whistled when I saw all the cash, fake IDs, and passports inside the bag. Whatever they did, they must’ve had a backup plan.

I recognized a fake ID when I saw one. I used one to get into clubs and bars while still underage. This isn’t a simple bag, this is a run-for-the-hills, get-out-of-town for a while kind of bag.

I replaced the bag my mom prepared with my gym bag that was slung over my shoulder a few minutes ago. Making sure no one saw me swap the bags I went outside and looked for my sister.

”Kei-Kei?“ I went to my room, and there she was. Hugging her green sea turtle to her chest. I gave it to her last Christmas.

She was sitting on my bed. Scared to death if her tear-streaked face was any indication. Her dark brown hair was held in a ponytail by a pink elastic. I kneeled next to her.

”Keiks? Come on, let's go.“

She looked at me and I took her little hand into mine. Her hands were shaking and I covered them with mine to lend her some strength.

”Go where? I’m so scared.“ Her big brown eyes, so much like my own, were full of more unshed tears.

”I know you are scared. But I’ve got you Kei-Kei.“ When she hesitated I smiled and squeezed her hand.

”I’m scared too, Keiks. But why don’t we go to a safer place? Hmm?“

”Today is my birthday, Bry. Are we going to celebrate with mom and dad?“ She asked, looking up at me.

I closed my eyes. Shit. It’s her birthday. How do you explain this shit show to your six-year-old sister?

”We‘ll go to some friend's house for a few days. You and I will celebrate with some cake and ice cream. Mom and Dad will join us when they can, okay?“

”Okay. But I want a big cake. With mango flavor.“ She said excitedly.

”You got it Kei-Kei.“ I said and smiled at her. When she saw me smiling at her she smiled back, nodded, and wiped her tears away.

I put the bag over my shoulder and hoisted Keiki up, carrying her downstairs. She clung to me and I winked at her which made her smile. Officers were still taking everything and bagging it as evidence.

Damn what the hell happened? I’ll have to ask my parents another time. First I needed to make sure Keiki was alright.

Though from the looks of it, our lives would inevitably change forever.

Honolulu, Hawaii’

Present Day…

Bryce

With a start my eyes snapped wide open, looking left and right, seeing familiar surroundings, making me relax in bed. I reached for my glass of water on the white nightstand next to me, since my throat was all dried up.

I haven’t had memories resurface like this in a long time. Moments from when my parents were arrested. I’ve always wanted the memories gone and I’ve suppressed them. Guess they’re coming back in full force now.

I rubbed my tired eyes. When I turned my head I saw that Luna's side of the bed was rumpled. Though her side was empty.

I didn’t have to be at work until later in the afternoon. As I turned my head I looked at the clock at my bedside. The green numbers said 7.35 am and I just wanted to stay in bed all day, but I knew I’ve got to get my shit together and get out of bed. No matter how hard it is.

I rubbed my eyes again and got out of bed. I went into the bathroom to take a cold shower. Maybe that’ll wake me up.

15 minutes later I was dressed and ready to face the day. The first thing I noticed as I got downstairs was that the kitchen was empty except for Keiki and Evie sitting at the kitchen table talking in hushed tones.

After the flashback I just had, it feels weird to see Keiki all grown up now. As if you fast-forwarded turning Keiki 23, instead of 6.

When I entered they stopped talking.

”Good morning,“ I walked towards the coffee machine to get some coffee. Starting the day without coffee? Impossible.

”Morning Bryce,“ Evie said while Keiki kept herself busy with Cheerios and some mango slices.

Looking at me, her eyes full of questions I don’t have the answer to. I put it aside to answer later. Because as of right now? I don’t know what to say. Honestly.

”You know an apple would be good for you. Instead of all that sugar, you eat all the time,“ I said pointing to the bowl in front of her.

”How about no? Also, I have some mango smartass.“ She said and stuck out her tongue at me.

I grinned.

”Real mature Keiks,“ I replied and sat down at the kitchen table, across from Evie. Keiki's phone chimed and she went upstairs to take the call.

Evie scooted closer.

”Is everything okay Bryce? Luna is usually up before you. She’s usually in the kitchen preparing breakfast or ordering in and singing around. You know, since you and making breakfast usually almost turns into having to call the fire department,“ she grinned but her green eyes turned serious within seconds.

I chuckled but the sound was more hollow than rich with joy.

”It’s complicated. Let’s leave it at that Eves,“ I said, not really in the mood to hash out what happened last week. Too restless to sit, I get up and just lean against the fridge.

Evie got up too and she squeezed my arm.

”I get it, this is between you and Luna. And you want to solve this on your own. I won’t pressure you for details. But Bryce? You’re one of my favorite guy friends, well make that the only one. So if you ever need to talk, or just get wasted? I’m your girl. You went through a lot. I can tell. So if there’s something you’d like to get off your chest I’m here. Don’t bottle it up. When you’re ready we’re all here. For you and Luna. You’re family okay? You’re not alone,“ she aimed a watery smile at me.

I nodded and hugged her, not able to say more than that. She gave me another hug and grabbed an apple from the fruit basket.

”At least one person in this house eats healthy,“ I said teasingly.

”I heard that,“ came Keiki's shout from upstairs.

”Good,“ I shouted back.

I do what I always do when everything gets too much. I go to Manoa Falls when I feel upset. It’s my and Luna’s favorite place in the world.

Sitting there on the moss-covered stones and hearing the rush of the waterfalls? It’s like you’re one with nature. That peacefulness? Food for the soul. When I get there I let the silence and chirping of birds envelop me and ground me. My phone chimes with a text, my heart sped up and I think it might be Luna, but it’s just a Spotify alert. Suggesting a new song to one of my playlists. I unlock my phone to see which song it is. It’s , which must be for Luna she loves Maddie & Tae. I sigh when I lock my phone again.

Only too soon do I have to get back because my shift is about to start.

I got dressed for work and before I was out the door I heard Keiki calling my name and I turned around keys in hand.

”Hey are you guys okay? I could tell Luna was upset about something,“ she asked gently.

I nodded.

”We’ll be okay again. We’re just going through a rough patch. It’s all going to work out,“ I said and kissed my sister on the forehead.

She nodded.

I walked out the door to get to work. Hopefully, work will distract me from my problems for now.

Later that day…

Aubrey got out of the OR. Her brown eyes blazing.

”What the fuck is wrong with you Lahela?“ She asked me.

I leaned on the wall. Trying to get a breath out. But all that came out was a wheezing sound rather than an actual breath.

She noticed I was not saying anything and must’ve seen my face. Pale as a ghost.

”Deep breaths Lahela. Come on. You got this. Deep breaths. In and out,“ she instructed me and I did as she said.

My hands started to tremble earlier during surgery. Again. What the fuck is going on?

I tore the surgical cap away and threw it onto the floor. Tearing at my longer hair. Not seeing where the cap landed and not really caring at this moment.

”Okay talk to me. What’s wrong?“

When my breathing was under control again I looked at Aubrey.

I was breathing slowly, still not able to talk to anyone.

”I had a fucking panic attack. That’s what’s wrong.“ I said a heartbeat later.

”Okay. Just breathe and relax. Just stay here, okay?“ She said and left to give me some space.

This happened before but I didn’t see it as a panic attack.

I thought I just had some anxiety left from the day before when I talked to a family who were seeking answers for a surgery I couldn’t perform because it was too risky.

What if complications occur? They will blame me for it.

It’s a pretty complicated surgery and I didn’t know how well they would handle any complications or repercussions I told them about.

I sighed again. I didn’t even realize that I pulled out my phone and dialed Luna’s number.

”Hey B, what’s wrong?“ She said and I could hear other people mutter in the background. She must be at the store or something.

”Can you come to the hospital? I know we’ve fought, but I really need you.“ I said quietly.

”Of course, I’ll be right there.“ She said. It‘s as if our fight was forgotten.

I don’t even know how I got to the locker room as I’m sitting on the cold, hard linoleum floor. My head is resting between my knees.

As I’m trying to get my breathing and my heart rate under control.

Breathing exercises didn’t cut it. But slowly my heartbeat normalized and I could breathe freely again.

I didn’t know if she’d even come if I called her. After our fight, everything seemed out of balance.

But Luna is the only person I wanted to see. I just wanted to feel her soft touch and smell her guava shampoo. Knowing she’s close and I can hug her when my anxiety is high? Deeply comforted me.

I was still sitting like that on the floor when I felt soft hands caressing the hair at the nape of my neck.

I shivered and when I turned around I saw Luna’s concerned face.

”What happened?“ She asked and opened her arms for me.

I hugged her because I needed her. For the first time in a week after our fight, I felt good again.

It’s as if I‘m a functioning human being, who’s been deprived of human touch for so long. However weird that sounded, it helped to hug her. That physical contact from the person I love is exactly what I needed.

We barely talked, just exchanged a few words here and there. But it’s not like it’s usually with us. Jabs and teasing here and there. Laughter and kisses.

I missed her. I didn’t know you could be in the same room with the person you love, yet feel so lonely. As if you’re miles apart.

She stroked my hair and just whispered some lyrics of a song to me. I think it was ”I Have a Dream by ABBA“.

”My hands started shaking and I panicked during surgery.“

”Oh B I‘m sorry that happened, but I think ever since you visited your dad you came back differently.“ She pointed out carefully as if she wasn’t sure what my reaction would be.

”Of course I did. There are way too many emotions eating me up right now. I just needed to sort them all out.“ I remarked.

”B please tell me what’s going on. Please, I don't know how to help you if you don’t tell me,“ Luna whispered.

”I feel lost. Lost and sad and I don’t know.“ I admitted. I broke down. I wrapped my arms around her as I cried silently and she held me close, showing me she was right here with me.

”I’ll give you anything you want Bryce. I love you so damn much. I’d even eat some oatmeal.“ She shivered involuntarily. The disgust of having to eat oatmeal was evident on her face. She hates it. I laughed through my tears. She pushed some strands of my hair that had gotten longer out of my face and I squeezed her hand.

”Would you be willing to go to therapy? We could go together if you want. Or you could go alone. Whatever makes you feel more comfortable.“

To be honest I’ve been thinking of going to therapy for a while. I’ve been a wuss to go though.

”I’d like that. Know any good ones?“

Luna nodded.

”I do. We can make an appointment. And we can go whenever you feel like you want to go.“

I nodded and just kept leaning into her. I turned my head and looked into her blue-green eyes.

”I never meant to hurt you when I didn’t tell you I visited my dad. I…just don’t know…“

Luna took my face into her hands.

”It’s okay B. We’ll figure it out together. And if you want to spend some time figuring things out with your parents I support you.“ She said and after a heartbeat, she continued.

”I suffer from anxiety and depression. I know what it’s like when it’s getting too much and when I don’t know what to do with my emotions. When I want to scream and cry and just get out of my skin for a while. I get it. That’s what painting is for me. Maybe we can find something you can find comfort in.“ I smiled. Even now when we’re still not sure where we stand exactly, she tries to help and support me. I couldn’t love her more if I tried.

”I always liked working with my hands. Building things. I was always good at it. I once built a princess castle for Keiki.“

”That is so sweet. I bet it was pink.“ Luna smiled softly and I smiled back at her. If there’s one person who loves pink? It’s Luna. But it’s endearing and I love that about her.

”Maybe you can work something out with Adam?“ She suggested.

”You think he’d let me?“ I asked not sure if Adam would let me help with any of his projects.

”Of course. Adam loves you like a brother. He’d help you. Especially if he knows it helps you to feel calm.“

I admit feeling ashamed and mortified that my hands would start to shake again. Is something wrong with me?

”There’s nothing wrong with you B. Sometimes emotions boil over. It’s when you’ve bottled things up too many times. I know that. That’s why I’ve turned to art. When I create art it lets me get out some emotions I‘ve been feeling. We can do some painting together if you want.“

I didn’t realize I'd spoken out loud. I nodded, not able to look at her, afraid she’d see how emotionally exhausted I was.

First visiting my dad, our fight, and now this panic attack during the surgery. Maybe some vacation would do me some good. I‘m sure I can work something out with the chief of medicine. Alana is amazing and she‘s very understanding.

”I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my dad. I just didn’t want to share it because I was scared that if you saw and knew everything you’d…“

”What? Run away? B there’s nothing that could make me run away from you. No matter what happens. Sure I was hurt that you didn’t say anything, but I understand that sometimes certain conversations aren’t that easy. Especially when it’s with a family member you haven’t talked to in a while. But whether we fight or if we have a make-out session all day, a relationship is never easy. But we work on it. We compromise, and most importantly we love each other. Come hell or high water.“

I looked up at her and I could tell from the expression in her eyes that she meant every word.

She hugged me again and I simply leaned into her, borrowing some of the strength that she was offering. We sat like that for another 10 minutes, until Luna had a pained look on her face and I could’ve slapped myself by letting her sit on the ground.

”B not to be rude, but can we maybe go somewhere else? I feel a bit uncomfortable sitting like this.“

”Oh my god I’m sorry of course. Here let me help you up.“ I got to my feet and helped her up.

”Thank you. For being there for me.“ I kissed her soft lips, giving you that warm, cozy feeling as if you were coming home.

”Always.“ She smiled tenderly.

I knew we’d fought, but things will get better again. I believe that.

[royallygray]

On the way back from a trip, I watched Wall-E for the first time on the plane. I liveblogged it because i thought it would be great.

It was.

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR WALL-E :D

also I am Not sorry for the typos

also I was using it/its for Wall-E and Eve and then I started using ae/aer for Wall-E and she/her for Eve just fyi

ANYWAYS ENJOY THIS THING

-- -- * -- --

2:20 what happened to my precious wind turbines???? :(

also tf is the song at the beginning

3:00 WALL E??? OMG THEYRE A RADIO BOI

wait this is literally the plot of my original story

LUNCH BOX

cricket :)

4:19 he's made a city out of trash :(

there is a baby crying on my flight :(

WERE ZOOMING

buy large gas???

04:57 wait so Wall-E is a brand of robot that cleans things? what's Eve gonna be im excited

OH MY GOD THE LITTLE CRICKET AND WALL E ARE BESTIES

turbulence on air :D

Wheeeeeeeeeee

05:10 there's a dead wall e :(

05:20 OH MY GOD THERES ABOUT TEN ZILLION DEAD WALL-E'S AA

NOOO

MY BOI :(

05:51 "too much garbage in your face? there's plenty of space out in space!" fuck you don't pollute space that's our space. Maybe not your space actually but it's MY space and don't put your stupid garbage in MY SPACE

07:15 aww fairy lights :D

TAPE :D ITS A RECORD TAPE :D

There's a spork in the lunchbox

why is there a rubix cube in the lunchbox

omg it's confused about whether the spork is a spoon or a fork :(

and it just put it on its own spot

like non-binary people :)

:( it wants someone to hold its hand :( it wants company :(

THE STARS

nope it was smog and the dust on the screen. rip

wtf is blowing up????

the cricket!!!!

09:57 it hibernates :(

and it swings itself to sleep :(

Wall-E needs some sun. go look at the sun, starshine :)

THE WALKING INTO THINGS IS REAL ASF WHY AM I RELATING TO A ROBOT

that's a nasty looking sun

POWER GAINED LETS GOOOO

NOOOOAOWJQJHW CRICEJT MY BELOVED NOOOOO

CRICKWT COME BACK

cricket is alive :DD

omg the bra 😭

it's a collecter :D

ping pong :)

ENGAGEMENT RING?? DAMN

IT JUST THREW AWAY THE RING AND KEPT THE CUSHION BOX 😭

FIRE EXTINGUISHER LMAOOO

PLANT :D :D :D

PLANT IN BOOT :D

CRICJET

wtf is the red light

I don't like that

what is it

what are ALL THE RED KIFHTS

IM SCARED

WALL E NOOOOOO

mans just dug dug dug dig diggity

wtf is that

id be scared too if I were wall e

is that the big ship that was there in the beginning

omg such a great disguise 😭

EVE :D

eve seems very tech advanced

OKG HEAVENLY

WALLES JUST LIKE "ITS ANOTHER CREATUEE :D"

bro all that pollution came down to deposit one robot

walle does not look comfy

FLY MY DARLING

windshield wipers??? in the eyes??? 😭

girlypop is a weapon

what do eves beeps mean???

NO CRICKET NOOOOO

CRICKET YOUVE BEFIRNSSD EVE

NO EVE DONT KKLL WALLE

eve wtf was that

are Wall-E and eve actually human size?? and it's just. idk

rip Wall-E they're going through it

what is eve even doing

also she's got anger management issues

me trying to get close to my moots

eve speaks :)

classified -_-

SHAEKNF NAMES :D :D :D :D

she laughs :D

eve NOOO

cricket??? where's cricket???

walle took you to its secret hideout you better be appreciative

cricker got a granola bar

oh she's ashamed that she broke it :(

BUBBLE WRAP :DDD

rubix cube

TAPE PLS WKRN :DDDD

YAY

EVE CHILL

YES DARLINF

wait no

chill girlypop

its got new eyes :)

walles like. raising their eyebrows

I'm gonna try to use neopronous for walle now because why not

ae/aer

LIGHTER

EVE NO

FIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

ae just wants to hold her hand

SHES ASCENDING

nOOOO she stole aer plant NOOOOOO

GIVE AER AER PLANT

GIVE AER AER PLANT

NO AER'S CRYING NOOOO

PEORECTION

electrocution

CHRIST.AS KJGHRS

OMG RHIS IS SO SWEET

WALL-E + EVE 😭 IM GONNA SOB NOOOO

AE JUST WANTS TO HILD HER HAND NOOOOO

EXCEPT SHE DOESNT HAVE HANDS ANYMORE

IM SADDDSD

wait there's a hand

it's just not mutual :(

THE MOONNN

NOOOOO

AE'S PLAYING PONG AGAINST AESELF :((((

8000 VS 0

it's cloudy with a chance of meatballs rn

lighter

NO EVE

DONT RAKE MT DAUGHTER AAAY YOU STIPID SPACESHIP

EVE MO

WALLE

FLY WALLE FLY

PROTECT CRICKET AND FLY

no there are multiple eves

RAKE OFFDFFF

WALLE HANG ON LITTLE ONE

the subtitles are just [Wall-E screaming] 😭

NOOO CRICKET IS ALONE NOW

CRICKET NOOOOO

wait why the fuck did they just destroy so many satellites wtf

oh earth looks NASTY

THAT IS ONE NASTY LOOKIN PLANET

WALLE NO

omg phew

AE FOUND EVE :D

MOON

MURICA 💪

SUN :D

just got all the solar power ever ae did

MILKY WAY :D

OMG CLOUD

it's the huge ass tech plane

axiom

bro how long did that take to fucking build

that thing is bigger than earth tf

gravity :)

EVE NO

Wall-E what are you doing

38:31 they're getting pissed off by Wall-E'S existence :(

39:20 that cleaning bot is PISSED

aww they just realized they can go off the lines :)

mate GET ON TOP OF HER (not in that way) pls just OMG ride the same cart. pls. do not get separated from her pls

those guys are right next to each other wtf

John

A is for Axiom your home I STG IF THIS IS WHAT EDUCATION IS FOR

A is for Apple, your iPads

B is for Best Buy, where you get your iPads

C is for idk. cock

lunch in a cup. I wanna die.

also the uniforms suck ass. those are worse than my elementary school ones.

Men? what's so good about men? why are they advertising men in a makeup place? where are they gonna appease men? on their chairs where they don't look at each other???

"try blue!" yeah you shouldve done that ages ago

actually that's a terrible shade of blue. even red is better than that shade of blue and that red makes me eyes hurt

it's actually a good shade of blue. just not for the jumpsuit things.

"every holo-date I've been on has been a virtual disaster" OMG that's actually such a great pun. writers of this I love this

Hi Mary :)

I do love how friendly the humans are. they're just chillin

also I adore how friendly Wall-E is. if someone got me a Wall-E plushie for my birthday I would marry them

maybe. hypothetically. probably not actually.

a113?

omg all the captains are dead

WAIT WALLE GET BACK TO EVE

OMG extraterrestrial vegetation?? YOU MEAN EARTH??? MOTHERFUKER???

bro he can't read 😭

I'm sad

OMG CAPTAINS GETTING AN EDUCATION LRTS GOOO

don't clean Wall-E ae's precious

WHAT DID THEY DO TO MY WALL-E'S FACE 😭

eve looks so fucking bored

oh that shit fucking exploded

oh no

CHASE SCENE

WHY IS RHWRE AN UMBRELLA BOT 😭

eve is PISSED

she's so exasperated 😭

WHY DID THE CLEANING BOT STEAL HER SHOE

WTF????

WALLENOOOOOOOOO

THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER COMJBG IN CLUTCH YESSSSS

AAWWWWW YHEYRE HUGGING ASHAJAGDKWHNSSBNXS

was that a kiss

omg that was totally a kiss

omg that was adorable

how is there that much fire extinguisher in one can

AE'S got a surprising amount of control with flying

OMG MARY I LOVE TOU

MARY MARY I LOVE YOU

JOHN HI JOHNJI JOHN :D

OMG man and woman touch hands romance is alive

omg captains getting social stuff :D

THEYRE DANICJNG NI THE DIRE EXTINGUISHER

OMG THEYRE SO IN LOVE AWWWWWW

MARY AND JOHN ARE BESTIEE AWWWWWWWWW

They can't go back :(

70:36 "I don't want to survive. I want to live!" SLAY CAPTAIN

72:00 YOU KILL WALLE I FUCKING JILL TOU SQUARE UP AUTO YOU MOTHERFUCKER

NOOOOOOOOOO

NOOO THEYRE IN TRASH NO

NO wtf happened to Captain

NO SHE JUST GOT REPROGRAMMDD NO

wait did she? no she didn't thank God

omg it's giant Wall-E

ew

okay cleaning robot you've redeemed yourself ily

NO THEH KILLED THE TAPE

NOT THE TAPE NOOO

M-O

Mo ily

WHYD U THROW AWAY THE PLANT EVE

KEEP THE PLANT MAN

COME ON

YES ESCAPE DARLING ESCAPE YES EVE Y SO MUCH EVE YOUR THE BEST

OMG all the rogue robots are going together <33

REBEL CAPTAIN

NOOOOO NOT THE ONE BOT

wait where the hell are they getting oxygen if they don't have any plants

"John get ready to have some kids" Mary I love tou

Captain you can walk you can do it :D

YIPPEE

wait when the fuck did they learn how to walk

WALLE NO DONT DIE NOOOO

THEY ZOOMING

CALTAIN IS HAVING A FREAT TINE MAN

OMG THE FALAZY

CRICKET MY BELOVED:D :D :D

THEYRE HOMEEEEE

WALLES TRUCK NO

is there even any oxygen on Earth

when did theyearn to walk

eve pls just put aer In sun pls

OMG EVE YOURE THE BEST

UR FIXING AER

AHES FIXTING AER LET'S GO

PLS

PLS SOLAR PIWER PLS

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSDDSSSSSSSSSSSS

CRICKET

YOPPEE

WALLE EVE YES AJEKAUAKAHQKHAKAHAKABANSNAKLAPQHEMSVDNSBABSBBZKSJAKSSKKAAALAKBDNSBSJAKALAKSNABANAKAK

NO

SIES AE NOT DECLGNIZE HER

WALLE NO

WALLE :(

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

AE LOST AER SOUL NOOOOO

NOIOOOOO

YES ELECTROCUTION

ELECTRIOCUTION

YES YES YES YES UES YES

KISS YES YES YES YES YES YES GES HES EHS GES

YES YES YESBBSJQNHDKAKAHDJSJAKDGWKJASNLAAJD

HANDS TES

AE'S FONNA SAY HER NAME

YES WVWNEHAJUAMJAKQQG FEW QKWyajlqshdnbdkavfvfa

EVE

WALLE YOURE ALUVE ILY SMHQJABSLQHSKAHQLAJAVD

CRICKET MO

BEAUTIFUTILN BUR

OMG I LIVE IT

OMG CAPTAIN I LIVE YUU I KIVE THIS I LOCE THIS I LOVE THIS I KIVE THIS TO LOVE THIS I LOVE THIS I LOVE THIS I KCIE THIS ISJWIAKDBSMAALA

OH MY FOD RHEY RESTORUED EARTH HOLY DUFKJNG SHUT

RHERE ARE LKANTS HOLT SHIT THERES A SRAR AND ITS EVE KMF IM SOBBING XRHINF WKQKWJQOWMSEFJWHWHLDHWLQHDKZJALSBDKDNAKSJHDKSNSNSN

SHIP

OMG ITS OVER 😭 EGIWWJKSSHKQHSKWJQJAJWJQAJ

DIRT

OH MT GOD OH MT FOS OH MY DKS

EVE VUILDS A WELL???? OMG THE THLING BOT MAKES SEEDS DHAJSHSKSHKAQKQHALSHAKBSKAVAKAHWKQHKSWGKQBSNSABHZJANAISHAKQBQIWIDHAMALDHSNHWOWHSNFND XNSNALAKBLQKAHSJSNA x

fish come back alive???? thetles

[flower-sunflower-blog]

s!Ryan theory part 2/3 : I was tame, I was gentle 'til the circus life made me mean

TW : depression, self hate, psychological abuse, suic*de (if you’re uncomfortable with these topics, I advise you to go through it carefuly ❤️)

So ! I couldn't WAIT to finally talk about the origin story ! It was my main reference to interpret s!Ryan's past/backstory and current psychology. And I so deeply wanted to share it !

I'm not necessarely good when it come to playlists for a bunch reasons xD But to explain you a bit, the way I went with it was that I was paying attention to recurring themes/ideas from one song to another. And then tried to connect everything to each other, other hints etc (for the fyi, I went over it like 6 times, no exageration xD)

I think I figured out a good part of the story conveyed by this playlist. I won't get into all of it in this post tho, there is an important part of the story that I save for the last post.

Each time I'll try to show my point with exemples and everything. Keep in mind that this is just my theories tho, that nothing is sure because I could still be mistaken at some moments !

⚠️ Before everything ⚠️

This post will be a bit different as I'll get a lot into s!Ryan's psychology, her feelings and experiences. And you'll see that part of what s!Ryan went through is beyond the context of magic gods.

It echoes to real feelings, real life experiences, real life topics that I'll get into as well. So again, if you're unconfortable with this, I advise you to read through it carefully.

But this is something I'm really excited about, as it allow us to see how complex and real s!Ryan actually is.

"Family"

There are 2 songs specifically related to family, they're even at the begining of the playlist : “family jewels” and “family line”.

I’ve been wondering if s!Ryan's family could be from royalty. 

Firstly, it’s just a detail but, there is the head picture of the board. The "setting" seems to be in a kind of royal/aristocratic home.

And at one point, Ryan used a quote from the sleeping beauty. I'll give the context later, but here is the full quote :

 “In a far away land, long ago, lived a king and his fair queen. Many years had they longed for a child and finally their wish was granted. A daughter was born, and they called her Aurora. Yes, they named her after the dawn for she filled their lives with sunshine. ”

It is referring to the parents as the king and the queen, thus making s!Ryan a sort of princess ? And then obviously, there is the whole question of finding a way to tie everything in the context of the lore of the Shelter.

As often, a lot of possibilities. If there was a cult around the sun or some deities, maybe s!Ryan's family were important people in it ? Maybe there were gods ? Maybe they were from a high ranked species ? Maybe s!Ryan is a saint/prietress/angel from birth ? It's really intriguing.

I definitely think tho that s!Ryan grew up in a “prestigious” environment.

“I can't break the cycle, am I just a fool? [...] Pass it down from kid to kid, the chain will never end. 'Less I decide to go to it, will I see the end?” (Family jewels)

I think it could be an allusion of a sort of prestigious lineage. Family from nobelty have in heart to "maintain" statues and infuence through generations.

It also seems to refer to a sort of generational trauma, a cycle that they abide too but that "chained" the members. A way of living that no one questionned or broke ?

And that's where everything start in s!Ryan's story, from her family and the way they treated her.

And it was bad, she had it hard, the songs are pretty self explanatory for this :  

“Oh, all that I did to try to undo it. All of my pain and all your excuses. I was a kid but I wasn't clueless - someone who loves you wouldn't do this" "Might share a face and share a last name, but - We are not the same” (Family line) “Ooh, don't you find it strange?. Only thing we share is one last name” (Family jewels)

It seems that s!Ryan didn't have a lot in common with her family, that she didn't get along with them. But most of all, she was deeply hurt by them, by their actions.

For me s!Ryan's family was definitely toxic, maybe even psychologically abusive to her ?

“Typical of me to put us all to shame” “Oh, you think I'm unfit. Little did you know that I was cut for it. No glass slipper will ever fit” (Family line)

It seems with these lines that they were putting high expectations for her, that she was "unfit" to them.

“Scattered 'cross my family line. I'm so good at telling lies. That came from my mother's side” (Family line)

I also wanted to bring your attention on that, the idea of "lies", "fakeness" in general, being something her family teached her. I'll get more on that later.

“Family said that I decided to live a loveless life. Is it my fault we stay divided? 'Cause I got too much pride” (Family jewels) “I watch the fathers with their little girls. And wonder what I did to deserve this. How could you hurt a little kid? I can't forget, I can't forgive you 'cause now I'm scared that everyone I love will leave me” (Family line)

In these lyrics, there is the idea that the child is wondering if they're the problem in this situation ? If they've done something wrong, if it's their fault that things are the way they are ?

-> And that's sadly typical in this kind of situation.

Because family is supposed to be a safe place, the people who loves you and care for you unconditionnaly. But when your family is not this safe place, not caring, not loving, you start wondering if maybe you're the problem ? If there is something wrong with you that makes you undeserving of their love ? Underserving of love in general ?

That's the second idea, a direct consequence of that : s!Ryan's family, with the way they acted with her, made her feel like she was underserving of love.

It mess up really early on your self value, and your relationships with other people. All because the one persons who were supposed to be trustworthy, safe, make you feel valuable and loved, didn't.

I think that there is an important theme of "love" around s!Ryan, in the core of her character, especially about the way she's able or not to feel "love" for other people.

s!Ryan’s “lover(s)”

Again, going onto recurring theme, I think there is someone s!Ryan was in a relationship with at that time, maybe even “engaged” to. Maybe multiple people ?

Either way, a lot of the songs refer to romantic relationships that were toxic, where the partner was straight up bad.

There is also the possibility that s!Ryan was “pressured” by her family to get with them, even forcefully engaged. 

“They sent me away to find them a fortune. A chest filled with diamonds and gold” (Control)

(On another note, in a lot of songs there is mentions of "jewels", especially the fact that s!Ryan is compared to jewels. Maybe it echoes how she was considered ? A kind of "pretty object" ?)

“If our love died, would that be the worst thing? For somebody I thought was my saviour. You sure make me do a whole lot of labour” (labour)

The song "labour" is really interesting, about the reality of heterosexual relationships for women. I was wondering from this line if s!Ryan saw this situation as something positive at first ? Someone who would "save her" ?

But then, a lot of the songs express how badly she was treated :

“I never trust a narcissist. But they love me [...] ‘Cause for every lie I tell them. They tell me three” (l did something bad) “I don't like your little games. Don't like your tilted stage. The role you made me play of the fool. No, I don't like you” “I don't like your kingdom keys. They once belonged to me. You asked me for a place to sleep. Locked me out and threw a feast (what?)” (Look what you made me do) “… You caged me and then you called me crazy” 'Cause you lured me. And you hurt me And you taught me" (Who's afraid of little old me ?) “Who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars. Collecting your jar of hearts. Tearing love apart” (jar of heart) 

(And there is also the whole song “Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve” that I recommend you to check out, it's really impactful.)

I think that the relationships she had made her feel worse, value herself even worse. The other person is described as a "narcissist". It seems like they were belittling her, gaslighting her, maybe even "toying" with her feelings ?

-> Again, it's often a recurring pattern : when your family set your self value so low, you tend to get with people that doesn't value you.

Before moving on the next point, just so you know, a lot of songs refer to another kind of relationship she had, and in this case, it was more complicated. But I'll leave this for the last post.

The sunshine

So, I said i'll go later on this hint and the quote from "the sleeping beauty", here we are :

I was able to find out that it was a quote from the sleeping beauty, I'll put it again :

"A daughter was born, and they called her Aurora. Yes, they named her after the dawn for she filled their lives with sunshine”.

Maybe it was how her family and social circle in general perceived her ? Or maybe, how they expected her to be ?

Then you have all the hints I’ve shown about the idea of s!Ryan being a saint, being “holy” even compared to the sun.

It may tie to the lore about deities, and she could be a "litteral" saint. But what's certain and important here for me is the idea of her "acting" like a saint.

A lot of the songs refers to a “past self” who was nice and clean.

“I wanna be an idle teen, I wish I hadn't been so clean” (teen idle) "Angel, " he calls me”, "You're so pure, " he says” (Fruits) “I was tame, I was gentle” (Who’s afraid of lil old me)

I think at one point, s!Ryan was acting like a saint, like a beacon of sunshine for people around her. She was making other people around her happy.

But she was not happy herself.

A lot of the song expressed how much s!Ryan was in a bad mental state at that time : low self esteem, tired, hating herself, feeling messed up on this inside, depressed, and even suicidal

“And I couldn't stand the person inside me. I turned all the mirrors around” "And I tried to hold these secrets inside me. My mind's like a deadly disease" “These voices won't leave me alone. Well, my heart is gold and my hands are cold” (Control) “Are you insane like me? Been in pain like me?” (Gasoline) “There's rotten things left in me. Injected by society. No one here but me to judge me” (VOID) “Feeling super, super, super suicidal” “The wasted years, the wasted youth. The pretty lies, the ugly truth” (Teen idle)

What that inspire me is the idea of someone acting perfect for people while sacrificing their own well being in the process.

"Angel, " he calls me. Does he know that I'm falling from a precipice that I tripped off long ago?” (fruits)"

I really find this line impactful, and really meaningful for "what's coming next". How the fact that her being described as an angel, as "pure" wasn't something positive. Because people loved her when she was feeling at her worse.

For me, there is this whole idea of people expecting you to act "perfect" all the time. They end up not loving the "real" you, rather a "perfect" version of you that benefit them. And they don't really care about how much you suffer from it.

Social pressure

This part will kinda regroup everything I said until now, and add more to it. It's about the whole environnement, what I call the "social pressure".

“Do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me? [...] Saying that you shouldn't waste your pretty face like me?”  “You can't wake up, this is not a dream. You're part of a machine, you are not a human being. With your face all made up, living on a screen. Low on self-esteem, so you run on gasoline” (Gasoline) "The pretty lies, the ugly truth” (Teen idle)

There is a lot this idea of acting "fake" in front of people. And as I said earlier, about how her "family" is fake and that she gets it from them.

Maybe it would make sense, again, in the context of royalty and high-ranked people, where it's a constant game of appearances and you have to abide through arbitrary social standards.

But that's also accurate to society as a whole, about social conventions, about putting up a mask to "fit in" and being otracise if you don't.

“There's rotten things left in me. Injected by society. No one here but me to judge me” (VOID)

Then we come to social standard, sexism and gender roles. The way society consider women, the way they "pressure them" to act a certain way that devalue them. Through the songs, there is a criticism of this.

The idea of sexism, of s!Ryan's gender being the very cause of a lot of her problems, is really present :

“If we had a daughter, I'd watch and could not save her. The emotional torture, from the head of your high table. She'd do what you taught her, she'd meet the same cruel fate” "All day, every day, therapist, mother, maid. Nymph then a virgin, nurse then a servant.” (labour) “When he stole my virtue [...] That I was born a daughter and not a son. For if I'm going down” (fruits) "They're burning all the witches, even if you aren't one" (I did something bad)

Finally, from the board, there is this.

I think it alludes to the social pressure, the expectations, the look of others. And mostly, how it can really mess up someone.

And that's the "origin story", it all start there, from how badly s!Ryan was treated by her family, in her relationships, by society as a whole.

The devil

At one point, s!Ryan started having affinity with the “devil”.

The idea of religion, heaven and hell, god and devil, was really present. But what was the most present was the idea of siding with the devil. “Me and the devil” being the best representation of that. 

“And I said hello Satan, ah. I believe it is time to go. Me and the devil walkin' side by side [...] So my old evil spirit. Can Greyhound bus that ride” (me and the devil) “My love, are you the devil? I would worship you instead of him. I have no time for confession. For I'm too busy committing sins” “My love, you're something special. I've never met someone like you. You'd make me fall from heaven”  "Devil, " you call me. But seems to be enjoying. Oh! Oh, call me a devil. Oh, you call me a devil” (fruit)

In general, she embraced the “evil” path. It was the changing point for her.

“I'm meaner than my demons” “I'm well acquainted with villains that live in my head. They beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead”. (Control) “If you'd never looked my way, I would've stayed on my knees. And I damn sure never would've danced with the devil” (Would've, Could've, Should've)

That's not all, going back to some moments of her lore :

And then going back to the hint board, there is this idea of a dark spirit in contact with her, "corrupting" her :

Figuring out what is the “devil” she’s talking about is kinda complex (for a change). 

It may be an abstract idea, but also a dark entity. It could even be someone in particular. It's kinda like the rest : entity ? god ? lover? symbol ? xD

You'd make me fall from heaven” "Devil, " you call me. But seems to be enjoying.

I see something kind of deep in the fact that she enjoyed being called "devil" and falling from heaven.

Because being a "saint" was the reason why she was suffering in the first place. And she didn't like herself.

I think she liked not being seen as perfect, that her "darkness" inside her was being perceived, understood.

And because she hated being a saint, she would rather become the complete opposite.

s!Ryan “death”

At one point, s!Ryan killed herself.

When I saw this as well as other hints, it made me think that s!Ryan could’ve died before being resurrected by the tree. It was just a suspicion of mine.

But now, I’m 100% sure that s!Ryan killed herself and came back to life. First this on her board :

And then this idea is like, omnipresent in the playlist :

“And the day has come where I have died, Only to find, I've come alive” (Teen idle) “You may bury my body. Down by the highway side” (Me and the devil) “Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time”  “I'm sorry, But the old Taylor can't come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, 'cause she's dead” (Look what you made me do) “If you wanted me dead, you should've just said. Nothing makes me feel more alive” (Who's afraid of little old me?) “You have to understand that the one I killed is me, changing what I was for what you wanted me to be” (If I killed someone for you)

And finally, the whole song “Achilles come down” is about a suicide attempt.

It seems to be coinciding with the whole "devil" allegeance I talked about earlier. I think the most important aspect is how she symbolically “killed” the one she was before.

It’s about how she killed the "saint" s!Ryan, the perfect and nice girl, who was depressed, felt unloved, was mistreated.

And she came back to life as the evil one.

I like how this picture can convey a symbolism of "phoenix". Symbolically, s!Ryan was killed and burned by the fire around her - family, lover(s), society - and then she was re-born through the "fire", a element of mayhem and destruction that she had control of.

Who is in control ?

I’m finally reaching one of the main and most recurring themes : having power and taking revenge on those who’ve done her wrong. 

She became manipulative :

“I never trust a narcissist. But they love me. So I play 'em like a violin. And I make it look oh so easy” “I never trust a playboy. But they love me. So I fly him all around the world. And I let them think they saved me” (I did something bad)

And she took her revenge over people who treated her badly before :

“If a man talks shit, then I owe him nothing. I don't regret it one bit, 'cause he had it coming" "They say I did something bad. But why's it feel so good? Most fun I ever had. And I'd do it over and over and over again if I could” (I did something bad) “But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time (nick of time) I got a list of names, and yours is in red, underlined [...] Ooh, look what you made me do”  “all I think about is karma" “I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me, I'll be the actress starring in your bad dreams” (Look what you made me do) “Acting on your best behaviour. Turn your back on Mother Nature. Everybody wants to rule the world” (Everybody wants to rule the world) “… So I leap from the gallows and I levitate down your street. Crash the party like a record scratch as I scream. "Who's afraid of little old me?" I was tame, I was gentle 'til the circus life made me mean "Don't you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth" Who's afraid of little old me? Well, you should be… You should be” (Who's afraid of little old me ?) “And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me". I can't help this awful energy. Goddamn right, you should be scared of me. Who is in control?” (Control)

Then I'll be referencing the timeline I did in the previous post :

I hope it can make clear how the "change" s!Ryan went through isn't only about hair or magic, it's really psychological.

Current s!Ryan became the one who had power over everyone, and she became everyone's worst nightmare.

I miss who I used to be

There is this line which was really interesting to me.

“God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be. The tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind. I regret you all the time” (Would've, Could've, Should've)

What really got to me is how most of the songs expressed that s!Ryan didn't like the one she was before, preferred the one she's now : the one having power, being ambitious, selfish, in control.

But in this one, it is said that she "miss" the one she was before ? It feels so real actually.

About how one's feelings aren't as simple as it seems, even if a lot of the songs express that s!Ryan changed her mindset, deep down she may be more conflicted.

And the second interesting aspect is a reminder about how s!Ryan herself wasn't the one who "killed" her previous self. Her "nice self" was killed by the suffering she went through, by what people put her through.

That going through this change was her own way to put an ending to it.

I'll put these lyrics again :

I was tame, I was gentle 'til the circus life made me mean "Don't you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth" Who's afraid of little old me? Well, you should be… You should be” (Who's afraid of little old me ?)

It's a reminder about how villains aren't born, they are made. s!Ryan made me go really emotional, because even tho she's acting like she's 100% confident in her new form, she's in her core the result of suffering from what she went through. From the consequences. From her feeling of loneliness.

Suming up

In conclusion, s!Ryan when she was young was someone who was nice, a "sunshine". She was lifting up to expectations that people had of her, she was “perfect” but it made her feel tired, depressed, having low self esteem. 

Her family was toxic and unloving, her “relationships” made her feel even worse. But at one point she had enough, she rose up in order to become the one in control. Going from someone sweet, to someone mean and dangerous, embracing the “bad role” and feeling better than ever. 

She “killed” herself both literally and metaphorically. That's her origin story, but....

What about current s!Ryan ?

I'll bring back your attention on s!Ryan current lore, about what she actually said :

That’s why for me, her playlist was so important to understand her. You get why she only cares about herself, why she takes so at heart opposition against her, why she feels like she has no one. It all come from her past.

She seems to base a lot of her current relationships around manipulation, and also seems to have a hard time trusting people :

(about the sun)

s!Ryan for me is someone who’s life made her mean, and selfish. But she’s still carrying inside her all the pain that she felt, all the “rotten” and “broken” side of her.  

It seems like she has a hard time opening up to people, because she wasn't used to be loved, and that she may don't trust the fact that people actually love her ? That people CAN actually love her ?

Love

You know how I said at the beginning that "love" was for me the core of s!Ryan's character ?

It’s also why her way of “loving people” is so deeply interesting. Sure, she likes to be flirty, either to be silly, mess around, or manipulate a situation for her best interest. But what about how she genuinely feel ?

Does she loves some people ? Does she know how to love ? On one hand, she doesn't seems to "love" a lot of people, and she says that she only cares about herself. But on the other hand, we can't say that there isn't people she seems to be at least attached to in her own way ?

She seems to have a twisted way of feeling everything because she never felt loved herself, but it doesn't mean she can't feel at least a bit of affection some times. Again, it's not black and white, it feels really complex.

That's why her relationships are FASCINATING to me, they're often really complex because impacted by the fact that s!Ryan's way of seeing relationships, of loving, is twisted by her inner scars.

Her relationship with s!Void is so emotional to me, because s!Void is someone really nice, sweet, someone s!Ryan was never used to, who feels so different from her.

And her relationship with Miel seems also deeply complex, and really mysterious.

And this will be for part 3!

Thanks for your attention :D

[mod2amaryllis]

just gonna sliiide into your inbox to be like. got any complicated relationship with motherhood recs?? cause I'm👀

👁️👁️ b i s c i a.

the first rec is always for all time The Broken Earth trilogy by NK Jemisin

talk about books that changed my brain chemistry and boosted my writing, especially the fifth season, which pulls a narrative trick with its 3 main character perspectives that still has me reeling and makes me resent the fact that not every protagonist is an exhausted middle aged mother who's haunted by choices and horrors of her own making!!

The Devourers by Indra Das

a take on werewolves that's at times genuinely sickening to read, esp for my body-horror-scawy ass. lot of upsetting themes fyi, like. all the themes. are upsetting. but i was left feeling like I'd just gotten the world's most dire hug. also trans allegory out the wazoo.

i feel like this one is really obligatory like yeah no shit Beloved by Toni Morrison but still: Beloved by Toni Morrison

I've never felt smart enough for this book but i think about it constantly, not just because the contents are so traumatic but the way it's written..... even now i feel like such a dunce trying to say anything about it but it's like. it broke rules in my brain about how books are supposed to be structured and understood. there's a chapter that ends in a stream of thought that's borderline incomprehensible and it's in my head forever.

ok little different now and largely positive mushy gushy mom stuff, but a lot of Brandi Carlile's songs, especially The Mother:

and her whole In These Silent Days album. particularly it's celebrating lesbian motherhood. Mama Werewolf is awesome and introduces that complication that makes me ravenous, but my favorite is her love song to her wife, You And Me On The Rock

there's a song exploder podcast episode about it. she talks about how it's an homage to her good friend Joni Mitchell, how it's about this very feminine love she shares with her wife and daughter (and now also her son) and how she spent some of her youth grappling with that femininity.

speaking of song exploder!!!!!! the episode for Song For Our Daughter by Laura Marling

Laura Marling and her partner don't have children. this song is a hypothetical about the trauma of being a girl and having your boundaries crossed when you're young. but what absolutely destroys me is that there's a string section, which was written by a violinist to whom she gave creative liberty, and in his strings he says, "i wrote this to be the character of The Daughter, so she's here in the song soaring over everything" and it just. hearing the context and then listening to the song........i show this episode to anyone who's stuck in a car with me 25 minutes.

on the subject of music, of course there's Florence + The Machine's 2022 album Dance Fever, particularly King

like hell yeah let's get primal with it

and ok this is gonna clock my grew up as a theatre kid ass but still, to this day, Next To Normal.

listening to this show as a teenager who was just starting to hate my (wonderful awesome love her) mom was like......hoooooo. it blew open the my-parents-are-human empathy. idc about like whether or not this musical lives up to the insane hype it got in the late 2000s it just meant a lot to me personally.

also there's movies i guess! but if you're not already on the Everything Everywhere All At Once train idk what we're doing

then my oldest mom-centric media of all, so old that I'm not even sure how well it holds up to my current person sensibilities, Fruits Basket

the way her death is the inciting incident for everything that happens after, and how she's a ghost that haunts the rest of the story, at times a protective spirit and at other times a traumatic poltergeist, is like. i thought i was a 13yo reading a magical high school romance what's happening to me.

then of course the current rec, Priestdaddy by Patricia Lockwood

Lockwood is a poet and this is her memoir about growing up with a Catholic priest for a dad, something that in itself seems contradictory. it's phenomenal. i can't believe someone exists who's this good at writing. her relationship with her mother is hilariously, tenderly depicted and it's questioning and resentful and loving and there's a chapter about them called the cum queens of the hyatt palace and it's the funniest thing I've ever read

oops too many words

motherhood in media borders on fixation for me lol i don't always seek it out but when it's there I'm like AAAAAAAAH, AAAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAAH AAAAAH IS ANYONE ELSE SEEING THIS GRAAAAAHHHH!!!!

........oh and undertale. how could i forget Undertale.

[finkinthisfrew]

Anything (Pt.19)

cw: anti-sex worker rhetoric (even though both characters are pro-sex work fyi), sex-shaming

Chapter 19

Matty's phone buzzed loudly for the hundredth time that morning. He groaned, rolling over in my bed and reached to silence his phone.

"Maybe it's a sign we should get up- it's already past noon," I offered with a small smile, then yawned, stretching my arms out above me.

"No such thing- we were destined for this, and this only," he said stubbornly, tightening his arms around me as he snuggled deeper into me.

I couldn't help but laugh. I wrapped my arms around him. He sighed from happiness.

Not more than 30 seconds later, his phone rang again. Matty rolled over, picked up his phone, and chucked it through my open curtains. It landed on the floor in the living room with a loud thud. "Problem solved," Matty said proudly.

"Matty!!" I scolded. "What if it broke?!"

"I hope it broke," he replied. I gave him a look, and he sighed. "Fine, I'm sorry, that was wasteful. Next time I'll be good, I promise," he said, kissing me on my forehead. "I'm just too tired to converse with anyone other than you. I simply don't have it in me to do anything but this today."

The rest of the party had been amazing. We had originally planned to leave as soon as Matty finished his speech, but George convinced us to stay and dance for one song. One song turned to two, and before we realized it, an hour had passed and we were sweaty, in the middle of the dance floor, screaming out lyrics along with the music that blared. At one point, Matty and George had me on their shoulders, bouncing me around to the music. It had to have been one of the best nights of my life.

"I wonder how soon Adam will get that film developed- I hope the pictures turned out okay," I said excitedly to Matty. Adam had spent the evening running around with a disposable camera snapping pictures of us all.

"I'm sure they will- any photo with you in it is bound to be a masterpiece," he said, kissing my cheek. "I'm excited to have some photos of us together. I've been needing a new phone background. Actually, we should take one now... Oh." He reached over to where his phone once was, then groaned. 

I couldn't help but laugh before passing him my own phone for him to take some pictures of us snuggling in bed together.

"There," he said contently, passing my phone back to me. "Much better." My phone background was now of him smiling and me kissing him on the cheek. "Will you send me these, please?" he asked as I stepped out of bed. 

"Of course," I answered. I pulled on a camouflage crewneck over my white cotton sports bra and a pair of ripped denim shorts. I tried my hardest to avoid looking at Matty as I did it, knowing that if I turned to look at him, I'd see a pair of wide, sad brown eyes and a giant pout. I pulled on a dirty white baseball cap, and as I finished putting in a pair of small gold hoops I caved in, feeling his stare on my back. My heart melted when I met his eyes, noticing his arms were also outstretched. "Matty..." I said sadly, my shoulders dropping. "I'm going to be late again."

"Just five more minutes, I promise," he begged. I couldn't say no- didn't want to say no. I walked over to the bed and into his open arms. We lay there holding each other for much longer than five minutes, and neither of us wanted to be the one to point it out. Then my phone began to ring.

"That's odd, no one calls me except for you and my mom, but it's too early in Canada for her to be calling," I said in confusion. I grabbed my phone, seeing that it was George, who had demanded we exchange phone numbers before I left the party last night. 

"Hello?" I answered curiously.

"Anna! Is Matty there? Sorry for calling like this- our publicist has been trying to get ahold of Matty all morning and it's urgent," George said, rushed.

"Yeah, of course, one sec," I replied, hearing a distant "Thank you," from George as I pulled the phone from my ear and passed it to Matty, who groaned.

"What-... ...Well he can wait until I get to the stu-... ...Do you really think so?... ...Fine, tell him I'll be there in 15." Matty turned to my curious face, placing his hand on my cheek, then kissing me sweetly. "I have to go to the studio, something about my publicist needing to talk to me about something- apparently there's some emergency. I'm so sorry, darling."

I laughed, "Tell your publicist I say thank you, otherwise we never would have left the bed." 

Matty pouted once again, "You say that like it's a bad thing." His doe eyes made me melt inside.

I kissed his forehead gently before getting up and running to the washroom to brush my teeth. Seconds later he appeared behind me, stealing my toothbrush and popping it into his mouth to brush his teeth. I laughed, playfully smacking him. "We need to get you your own toothbrush, sir!"

He shook his head vigorously. "I -ike -is -e-er!" I frowned in confusion. He put up a finger, spitting in the sink, then said, "I like this better!" before returning to brushing his teeth. He hummed the melody to 'My Girl' by the Temptations as he hugged me from behind, his eyes crinkling at me in the mirror. I sunk into his touch. I'd never enjoyed brushing my teeth more- I wanted to do it a hundred times a day.

After we'd kissed goodbye outside of my apartment for much too long, I finally made my way to my studio, humming 'My Girl' the whole way there.

I entered the sweltering studio, cursing my studio mate who used the space in the mornings for forgetting to leave the windows open before she left. I yanked open the old creaky windows and turned 'Being Funny In A Foreign Language' on the big speakers Matty had lent me- I'd been listening to their music all week in an effort to familiarize myself before the Panama show. 

As I pulled out some of my dried pieces of pottery to trim, I hummed along to the opening track, proud of myself for already beginning to remember the music after only a couple of listens.

I'd only gotten to the end of 'Oh Caroline' before I noticed my phone was ringing behind me. I strolled over to the sink to wash my hands, happily singing along to the outro. I smiled as I saw Matty's contact photo on my phone. "Hi babe!" I chirped enthusiastically.

"Anna. I have some news... I don't know how to tell you... But it's not good..." He sounded worried.

"What's wrong? Are you okay? Where are you, I'll come to you," I said, panic seeping in.

"No, I'm okay. I mean, I'm not, but, I just... Does the studio get newspapers delivered?" Matty asked nervously.

"I think so, maybe. Let me check," I said, already running to the front lobby where piles of mail sat. "What am I looking for?"

"The Sun. Today's edition of the Sun."

I found it at the top of the pile with a headline reading 'MATTY'S MYSTERIOUS MISTRESS' on the front page. My heart dropped.

"Are you sitting down? Please make sure to sit down before you read it," Matty said worriedly as I ran back into the studio. I put the phone between my shoulder and ear, already ripping open the paper to find the article, not even bothering to shut the door behind me.

Before I could even reach the couch, I froze midstep. I sank to the floor. My heart had stopped beating. The entire world froze.

I was staring at a blurry photo taken from a distance of me pushed up against the wall of the chimney last night, with Matty's mouth on my neck. You couldn't see that his hand was in my pants, but my face could have told you as much. Along with that photo were several others of me and Matty. One of him and I leaving my apartment together hand in hand, myself in a short dress and him in a suit on our way to dinner, one of us leaving his apartment in sweatpants with bedhead, clearly just having gotten out of bed, another of us sitting outside a cafe with our legs hooked around each other, Matty's hand up my skirt, another of us laying in the park in each other's arms kissing... 

Then I read the beginning of the article, and I felt my world crash around me.

Matty Healy, the 1975's frontman has been spotted several times over recent weeks cuddling up to a mysterious stranger we now know by the name of Anna Cole. Unafraid to get cozy in public together, to the public eye it is unclear whether this is just another call girl, but sources close to Healy have confirmed that this highly sexual relationship is more than just what it looks...

I stopped reading. I couldn't read anymore about my hypothetical sex life in the biggest tabloid in the UK. I had a hard enough time talking about it with the love of my life, and now the entire country, maybe even the whole world, knew about the most personal part of my life.

"Matty..." I blinked. I didn't know what to say. "What the fuck..." I breathed in despair. I couldn't hear Matty's response- Are you okay babe? Anna, please talk to me, hello?- or him saying my name over and over through the phone anymore, his voice was a distant echo. 

I put Matty on speakerphone and unlocked my phone, opening Instagram- 154 new followers, 47 new notifications and 18 DMs. A couple of the DMs were from friends back home who'd already heard the news and were checking in to see if I was okay, the rest were from angry fans. I didn't want to read them. I scrolled through the notifications, almost all of which were comments on my most recent post- a photo of a new ceramic piece the gallery I worked at had put on display a few days prior. A few comments were supportive of my work, but most of them were from more upset fans, calling me a whore, calling me ugly, saying I didn't deserve Matty... Then my eyes landed on a familiar account name I hadn't seen in years.

lucas.w90 -  so you'll fuck this guy for fame, but not the man you love? pathetic slut

A wave of nausea rolled through my body. I steadied myself on the ground. I could hear Matty's voice in the distance, but I couldn't make out what he was saying, the shock too all-encompassing. I opened my mouth to say something- anything- but at that moment, an even stronger wave of nausea passed through me, this time winning. My stomach wobbled. I ran to the sink and heaved. When I was done, I collapsed onto the ground, just staring into space. 

I didn't even notice that Matty had hung up. I sat there, staring at the newspaper that now lay on the floor a few feet away from me. 

I didn't realize 15 minutes had passed, same as I didn't the hurried footsteps behind me. I felt two hands hook under my arms, standing me up and walking me to the couch. Then I felt my legs being lifted and settled into a lap. I looked up. Matty looked down at me, his eyes deeply worried and brimming with care. He enveloped me in his arms, holding me tenderly as I tried to resurface from the pit of overwhelm I was in. He pressed kiss after kiss into my forehead while he anxiously tapped his foot. I stared into his eyes desperately, clinging to them like a life raft. I felt his thumb stroke my cheek, the rest of his hand cradling my face. His touch grounded me a bit- just enough to finally speak.

"Matty," I said, as I reached my hand to his chest. 

He quickly scooped up my hand, holding it in his tightly and kissing it over and over. "Anna, I am so sorry. I am so so sorry..."

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to make sense of it. Then I looked up at him, attempting to communicate all my thoughts, "What even-... I don't know what to do... what just happened?... what the fuck do I do..."

He listened attentively, eyebrows raised, hopeful that I was speaking again. "I know. I'm so sorry Anna. My PR team is working on something as we speak, but it's going to be okay. I know it's not right now, but it will be, I promise. I'm so sorry."

I relaxed a bit, comforted by his words and his presence. I squeezed his hand, and he squeezed it back, giving me a sad smile. We looked at each other in silence for a bit.

"Why did this even happen? Why do they even care?" I finally asked in confusion.

"Because the tabloids love to shine a negative light on me. Anything they can twist into something that makes me look like trouble, like making up that my girlfriend is someone I've hired to fuck me... they'll take advantage of it. I could care less what they say about me, but to bring you into it... I'm so sorry Anna, I'm so sorry I've done this to you."

I frowned, reaching my hand to his pained face. "Babe, you can't take the blame for this. It's not your fault this happened, you've done nothing wrong."

Matty shook his head. "You don't understand, Anna, this is my fault. If I wasn't who I was then this never would have happened to you. If I were just some normal bloke, this would never happen... And I promised you I'd take care of you, to keep you safe, and I failed. I did the opposite. I can never forgive myself for doing this to you..." he trailed off, heartbroken.

"Matty, if you weren't who you were then I never... fuck, I don't even know where to begin. I never would have learned that I could trust again. I never would have experienced real happiness. I never would have experienced true love." My eyes brimmed with tears, my shock now replaced by emotional overwhelm. His eyes watched me desperately as he clung to my every word. I took a breath and continued. "I don't even want to think about what a life without you being you is, because you are the reason why I'm the happiest I've ever been, and a world without you... it sounds like something worse than death." I said angrily. "I don't care if that's dramatic, that's how I feel. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I don't want some normal bloke. I want you."

He sat there, holding me in silence, processing what I'd just said. I watched as his own eyes began to shine, his lower lip trembling with emotion. He pulled me into his chest, resting his head on top of mine, nuzzling his cheek into my hair. "I'll never deserve you, Anna," he whispered, voice shaking,"But I'll spend the rest of my life trying..."

"It's funny... because that's how I feel about you, Matty..." I said quietly.

"Mr. and Mrs. Unworthy," he said sarcastically between sniffs. 

I pulled away, looking at his face and stroking his hair out of his tear-stained eyes. "I quite like the sound of that," I said with a small smile.

He beamed back at me, then kissed me. "I can't wait until the day that comes true..." he said softly into my ear.

"Me either," I whispered back.

[symmetricalkazekage]

Ta da!! I finally finished my All 4-1 TMNT entry!! I was going to use the pocky prompt, however I came up with this idea after reading the others properly. I will eventually reword this, so it'll fit my fic im writing (TMNT of course) but I wanted to test the waters of this idea first.

I did change the prompt a bit to fit, but you should still recognise it well enough. I also had a song on repeat while writing this, and for me it works well. Just don't read into the lyrics too much 🤣 ill link it, and I recommend you have it on repeat as well, feel the magic.

The character Scarlett is my own self insert, as I see her as how look, but just a different name. Just FYI

Tags: @thelaundrybitch @turtle-babe83 @dilucsflame33 @m1dnyt3-w0lf @post-apocalyptic-daydream @leosgirl82 @tmnt-tychou @nittleboo

Please let me know if you'd like to be ragged in the next one!!

⚠️ Aged up characters, a little spice, like the tiniest bit ⚠️

City Lights (Donnie x OC)

‘Okay, Scarlett, truth or dare!’ Michelangelo yelled with much enthusiasm.

‘Dare!’ she fired back.

The immediate glint Mikey got in his eyes made her regret her choice almost immediately. This game of “Truth or Dare” had been the idea of her friend Ashley. All her friends were finally allowed to meet Donnie, and in turn his brothers. They were reluctantly allowed into the lair, something about being a good host. Almost instantly were her friends all over the place, sussing out every inch of the place; from the boombox wall to what the turtles called their bedrooms, they were even wanting to go down the waterslide.

It was becoming quite overwhelming; Leonardo had begun to lose his patience and Raphael was trying not to pummel down the headless chooks that were Scarlett’s friends. Mikey was sadly joining the shenanigans and Donnie stood nervously to the side as he began to panic, verbally announcing his thoughts that maybe it had been a bad idea. Scarlett made eye contact with Ashley, a look that she knew all too well. It meant that “Mother was not pleased with her children”, she had looked around before she grabbed the nearest thing to her; it just happened to be a glass bottle.

‘Ice breaker! Spin the Bottle Truth of Dare!” she had yelled. Silence befell the group before said children ran to the makeshift couch of wooden pallets and cushions, each of them claiming a position. Each of the turtles shared a look, before they too joined the group, Scarlett being the last one to find a seat.

The first few rounds were harmless, simple truths and harmless dares. But once the ice broke, things began to switch up very quickly. Scarlett had constantly picked truths but was forced to choose dare to keep things interesting. Hence her now predicament, and she was unsettled by the grin that had made its way to Mikey’s mouth and the low, evil chuckle that was produced from his belly.

‘I dare you to kiss Donnie,’ he had said, giving her some form of Kubrick stare that was more menacing than threatening.

Scarlett’s faced had matched Donatello’s as everyone around her erupted into either cackles or whoops of either teasing or encouragement. Sheer surprise washed over both their faces, and the nerves that festered in Scarlett’s chest was almost painful. They stared at each other for a few more moments, the group around them having grown quiet as they waited in anticipation; eventually, Scarlett swallowed her nerves and rose from her seat and took those few steps to stand in front of the purple dressed reptilian. he was trying to protest, saying that she didn’t have to do it, but she simply shook her head. She reached out and grabbed his face with a little more force than she had wanted, her nerves still floating around somewhere; she looked him in those golden orbs of his as she removed his goggles from the top of his head before planting a soft kiss there, replacing the goggles to their position once more.

Donatello stared blankly at her as she made her way back to her seat, ignoring the protests of both her friends and his brothers. Some comments being that she had done it wrong, and others saying that wasn’t the kiss that was meant to happen.

‘You didn’t specify what kind of kiss, or where. You just said to kiss him.’ Scarlett protested back, crossing both her hands and feet. ‘And besides,’ she looked between all four terrapins, ‘I think that it's safe to assume that you guys haven’t even had your first kisses yet.’

Each of the ninjas had looked away and began to shift uncomfortably at the truth spoken. The “Aws” and “that’s so sadorable” had began to ring through the lair, and it looked like the turtles were either about to snap angrily or cry, mainly Mikey looked like he was gonna cry.

‘It’s nothing to be ashamed of at all!’ Scarlett piped up, successfully gaining their attention again. ‘Think of it this way, I didn’t kiss Donnie the way you thought, because your first kiss should be shared with someone special, someone you love. And not used on a dare.’ She had added a small laugh at the end, hoping and succeeding in dispelling any negative thoughts. They smiled, which made her smile, her heart still resounding beats in her eardrums.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It had been a few months since that day down in the lair, and ever since then her and Donatello had grown closer. It was kind of like a trust exercise that had opened their friendship up more. But pretty soon, Scarlett had noticed a change in Donnie’s behaviour. He had become more gentlemanly than usual, inviting her over to help on his projects (something about her smalls hands being able to reach the smaller spaces), and also inviting himself over (something about wanting to see her bougie bathroom he’d heard so much about). Not that it was bothering her, she was enjoying the attention.

It had gotten to a point where she had chosen to remain oblivious to the emotions welling up inside her whenever he would invite her out, for just some one-on-one chill time. She constantly had to remind herself that he was just a friend, and he was being nice. But it didn’t stop the butterflies, and it sure as hell didn’t stop the feelings begin to blossom for the giant turtle man. She tried to tell herself it wasn’t worth it, that she wasn’t worth it; he would eventually get bored of her if she feigned ignorance enough, and he would go off and find someone to share these heartfelt moments with.

Whenever Scarlett was alone, she would always think back to the icebreaking day. The way his face flushed upon closer inspection, and the way he slightly trembled under her touch; she wanted to see it again, she wanted more of it. But then she would remember the words she had spoken “…your first kiss should be shared with someone special, someone you love…”, and she would force her heart back down her throat; she would keep this crush under wraps.

But it was getting harder to keep it hidden, whenever Donatello was around now, they would almost always end up close with mere inches between them. And when that happened, her face would blush, and her breathing would hitch. And every time, their faces would inch closer and closer, able to feel each other’s breath on their lips. But every time, they were either interrupted, or her own words would ring in her ears and cause her to bail. It was like each time he would purposely try and find a way to get her in his arms, and her façade would falter each time. His touch, unique smell, and the way his words would blanket her; it was beginning to drive her insane.

It had been her most recent, and obviously romantic, moment with Donatello that had completely wrenched her heart and let slip through the want and desire that had been building for months now. Donatello knew how much Scarlett loved the rain, so he had planned to take her to a high point before it hit, so that she could enjoy the very first droplets before the heavens opened up. Since she lived in Manhattan, he had dropped onto her balcony and whisked her away to the top of the Manhattan Bridge. Scarlett was scared yet thrilled to be up so high.

‘What are we doing up here?’ she asked, daring to lean over to look at the traffic that drove by; their headlights illuminating the roads in the darkness of the night.

‘Just wait,’ he simply said, giving her one of those heart fluttering smiles that she had begun to fall for.

She had wanted to question further, but the cold drops of water on her head made her stop. She looked up to the sky, just in time to see the shower that had immediately began to pour over the city and the bridge. Scarlett had forgotten almost instantly about her heart as she grinned, raising her arms up to the sky with open palms. Donatello had just stood there, watching her with complete love and awe in his eyes. His heart swelled with so many emotions, and to him, it felt right; he just wished that she would reciprocate.

Scarlett had begun to dance atop the bridge, her arms flowing like water as she closed her eyes. It was no surprise that Donatello would join her, he just always had to be a part of her little dances. And she loved that about him. All thoughts of avoidance now gone from her mind, she allowed herself to be led around the small space. This way and that, Donatello led her to a songless dance, occasionally twirling and dipping her. This sent her heart into spirals as the heat from her nerves made her feel a small shiver from the cold downpour. Scarlett felt herself being spun out, so she planned to spin out with a flurry. However, she had miss stepped and slipped on a small lip of metal. All at once, she had felt herself falling over the edge, only to be grabbed by the arm and pulled into a hard chest.

Scarlett looked up to see Donatello’s worried face inches from hers again, water droplets on his glasses, more droplets running down his face. She had locked eyes with him, bad idea. She became frozen. He held her in his gaze, his arms slowly tightening around her body; her own arms held close to her chest and her palms pressed to his chest plate. No words were spoken, but hearts pounded loudly in both their chests; the sound of the cars below them and the sound of the rain pelting the metal frame of the bridge being the only other sounds that were heard. Scarlett was anxious, she wanted to pull away, but the spell Donnie had her under refused to let her go. “…your first kiss should be shared with someone special, someone you love…”, her own words echoed again, but this time it was very quiet, like it had been forced to the back of her mind. Her eyes flicked between his lips and those golden orbs, and seeing his own eyes do the same made her flutter even more.

He began to move closer, and she did the same, balling her fists against him as one of his hands moved to her upper back, to guide her forward. It was like a storybook moment in one of her many romance novels, and it was happening right now. Both their eyes were half mast, and they were mere millimeters now, each hot breath mingling with one another. Was it finally going to happen?

The sound of Donatello’s radio pulled them both out of their trance, it was Leo; he was calling for his brother for a new mission. With a sad look that would crush sad puppies in a competition, Donatello replied, letting his brother know that he was on his way back now. He looked into Scarlett’s eyes once more before scooping her into his arms, and took her home. When they had reached her balcony, he hung off the fire escape ladder as he set her down gently. When she was on her feet, Scarlett looked up and thanked him for the night out. He just hummed his answer, and made no effort to move from his position. The look on his face killed her, he looked absolutely miserable, and it was heart breaking.

Scarlett stepped forward; she knew what she was about to do was against her better judgement, and it would ruin everything that she had been trying to uphold. But at this point, she couldn’t handle seeing him this way. It pained her in ways that physical wounds would pain any normal person. She touched his forearm and planted a soft kiss to his cheek. It was short, but it was sweet.

‘Thank you again, Dee. I… had a really good time tonight,’ and she gave him a soft grin.

She watched the corner of his lips curl into a grin, there’s the Donnie she loved. Scarlett stepped back as she watched him bow his head to her before leaping away into the night, watching until she could no longer see his figure. She opened her door and walked straight to the bathroom, wet footprints leading a path there. She languidly peeled her clothes off before stepping into a hot shower. She leant against the wall and sank to the ground, letting the memories of earlier replay over and over in her head. It was all she could do, before she broke down into those heartbreaking tears she had been holding back for so long.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Scarlett rubbed her eyes, now slightly puffy and tingly from the water and her own tears mixing. A simple singlet and shorts made up her pyjamas, pulling her half dry hair up into a ponytail before giving up and letting her forming ringlets and curls bounce back around her face. Standing in her living room in the dark, she wrapped her arms around herself; she felt the numbness begin to overtake her as the lights of the city trickled through the gap in her curtains and the open windows along her wall. She felt cold. There was something about that embrace of his that made her feel so warm and safe, something about the strong arms that made her body burn for more. I want his arms around me again.

A tapping on her balcony door pulled her from her thoughts. The rain had somewhat died down while she was in the shower, had it picked back up? She walked to the door and pulled the curtains, jumping back a little when she saw the giant purple terrapin standing there. His frame was slightly hunched, but his eyes burned with a fire she couldn’t place. Scarlett had barely opened the sliding door between them, Donnie had grabbed it and pushed it open and basically forcing his way into her apartment towards her. The movement and his hulking frame making a little fear build up in her as she backed away quickly, hoping that the space would grow.

‘How long are you going to keep driving me insane!’ he yelled, his hands clenching beside him.

Scarlett blinked at him.

‘How long are you going to keep ignoring my advances?’ he asked, his voice dropping a little.

‘W-what are you-‘

‘Don’t play coy with me; it won’t work.’

‘I really don’t know what you’re talking about, Donnie,’ she lied. She knew exactly what he was talking about, she was just hoping she sounded convincing.

‘You’re really going to lie to me? You’re really going to pretend like you have no idea how I feel about you?’ he pressed.

Scarlett stuttered, she hadn’t expected him to be so confronting about it. He hadn’t seemed the type, more like the type to let things fester until there was nothing left. How had she been so wrong?

‘I had no idea what was going on with me,’ he began, his eyes drifting to the floor, ‘I didn’t know if I was sick, or if I had somehow developed a condition, even with the mutagen. Then the memory of that game came back to me, and my entire body flared with heat and my heart went wild, while the nerves in my stomach kicked up a storm…’

‘Donnie…’

‘Please… let me finish. It only got worse the more you were around. I thought I was just happy, happy that someone was finally accepting of my brothers and I. I was, I am, but it turned out to be more than what I had originally theorized. Every moment with you, I felt nerves kick around more and more; every accidental or purposeful touch make my skin burn. And then, when you’re gone, my heart would hurt, and I’d become miserable; I sought many different ways to distract myself, but that only worked for the short run.’

Scarlett remained silent as she listened to his words, feeling her own heart begin to swell. She knew where this was going; her head was telling her to stop him and escape, but her heart kept her in place, letting every word sink in heavily.

‘I honestly wanted to reject these feelings, I’m the tech guy, I can’t be distracted by such emotions. It was really getting to me, and it must have been quite noticeable because you came over. I didn’t tell you why, but you made it your own mission to make sure I was okay again. And the smile you gave me,’ he sighed as he remembered, a grin forming, ‘that smile had solidified the theory and research: I’m in love.’

The woman’s breath hitched, and Donatello looked up at her, that grin still plastered there. ‘Wha...’

‘I had made it my mission to get you to see that, to see me. I made every calculated advancement I could, planned every event and outing to a “T”. And it’s working; try as you may, you couldn’t hide your heart from me. I had specifically analyzed every situation to determine the best approach each time, and each time should have ended with a kiss…’ his pause was surprisingly loud in the deafening apartment, his head falling again. ‘It should have ended with a kiss… but you always bailed or the moments interrupted. Much like tonight, I was so close, so close to finally feeling like a million stars…’

Donatello’s eyes rose again, taking in her form with newfound confidence and purpose in that gaze. He started to march toward her again, making Scarlett back away from him.

‘Donnie, wait a minute!’

‘But I’m over being disrupted. And I’m over you teasing me and then pulling away!’ his voiced raised again. ‘You said that we should wait, only kiss the person we choose, someone we love! Well, I choose you! I want to kiss you!’

Her back had hit a wall and Donatello seized that moment to stand right in front of her. His giant body stood over her, his sheer height was intimidating enough at a few feet apart; so, him being practically right on top of her was even more daunting. Her eyes were wide as she stared into the space below her feet, the beat of her heart thundering away in her chest, she was sure that Donnie could hear it from his position. That man heard a whispered conversation from the kitchen to the living room in the lair! Her arms were stiff at her sides, her hands balled into fists, her body now shaking as her nerves wracked her entire being. Her mind was running in circles, so when his left hand reached out for hers she had jumped. She dared to look up, something that she knew was going to be a bad idea. And it was, the look he was giving her made her melt. His eyes, his golden eyes held so much love, want and desire; it was so strong a gaze, but somehow warming at the same time. Scarlett relaxed a little bit, letting Donatello fully grab her tiny hand in his large one.

‘Can I- May I kiss you…?’ he had whispered it, but the question reverberated off the walls.

As her heart screamed, she gave a wordless nod. Their eyes never left each other as Donatello pulled his left hand up, Scarlett’s still clasped in his. He put it to his plastron effectively pulling her a little closer, and she swore she could feel his own heart racing a mile a minute. That’s where he left it, before he ever so gently grabbed her face; he marveled at how tiny it was compared to his hands, and it made him chuckle softly. Scarlett’s eyes had flicked down to his lips and then back to his eyes, not shocked that his eyes had done the same; it was like he was still seeking permission having already received it. So she lifted her unoccupied hand to hold his own, and that must’ve been the push he needed.

He leant in, both of them closing their eyes, and barely brushed his lips over hers. Both their breaths caught in their lungs, as they looked at one another again. He moved again, brushing his lips over hers again but with a little more force. And again. And again. And again. Each time with a little more force than the last. But with each kiss he gave her, their breaths were growing heavier and Scarlett began to lean in even closer. The butterflies in her stomach were growing wild, and she knew that Donnie was feeling the same. She didn’t understand why she had left this so long, this feeling. It was a like a literal dream come true. She loved the feeling of his mouth on hers, it was like beautiful magic, all the tingles and electricity running through her entire body. And it was making her hungry for more.

Scarlett wrapped her hand around the back of his neck and pulled him down into her more. He groaned, proceeding to wrap his large arms around her tiny frame and pressing her into the wall. The sensation that ran through her body made her moan as the battle for dominance began. They kissed hungrily for a moment longer before Donnie was pulling away. Their lips now slightly swollen and red, both beings panting hard. He began to step away from her, but she grabbed his arm.

‘What’s wrong?’ she asked softly, trying to get her breathing under control.

‘I can’t continue…’ he strained, not looking her in the eyes anymore, and she already missed it.

‘Why…’

‘I’m scared. I’ve waited so long for this, but I’m afraid if I keep going…’ he turned his head slightly, ‘I’m afraid I might devour you.’

His admittance made her core ignite, and she trembled. She stepped around and faced him, making him look at her.

‘Then devour me, I’m all yours.’

His eyes blew wide as she held her hands to him, making gentle grabby hands. His mouth hung open as he stood there, letting every word wrap his brain into a tight hold and strangling any rationality he had left. Without warning, his arms were around her again, pulling her body flush with his own. Lips now clashed for dominance again as his hand made its way into her hair, gently tugging on the strands to try and coax a noise out. And he succeeded, the groan that came from her throat egged him on. Scarlett’s nails began to dig into the large arms of his, his own groan of pleasure coating her in what she would describe as a “warm honey” feeling. He wasted no time in dipping slightly to pull her up, her legs reflexively wrapping around his waist, the kiss never breaking once.

Donatello sat them both on the couch, moaning at the feeling of Scarlett’s weight on him. They separated for a small moment to breath some much needed air, before the need for more overcame them. Their hands began to roam over every surface of each other; they kissed so desperately as the tried to pull each other even closer, if that was even physically possible. Scarlett’s hands and nails ran along his neck and shoulders making him growl, and Donatello responded by harshly grabbing her hips and pulling her even more flush with him making her squeak with pleasure.

Nothing existed to them in that moment. It was just Scarlett with her Donatello, pouring their feelings, hearts, wants, and desires out through their intimate and much needed make out session. As they embraced each other, “I love you”’s rang through the room, their figures illuminated only by the city lights.

[gore-galore7]

This is just a list of music I think Patrick might listen to and some that l listen and think fit him. This is my first head cannon post but I want to start writing oneshots and fanfiction so we’ll see if I do this again. If there's anyone you'd like me to do let me know (: Warnings: Explicit music mentioned. Also INK has gory references and stories FYI.

Modernish music I think Patrick Bateman would listen to:

Lady Gaga- especially her Monster album. I think the possesive, sexual, devouring, themes he'd really like. I think songs that'd appeal the most to him would be Goverment Hooker, Bad Romance, Teeth, and Judas.

Ice Nine Kills- I.e. Patrick's horror movie obsession. If you don't know this band they base their songs off of horror movies and books, ( Hip to be Scared is based on American Psycho and is definitely one of my favorites(: ). I think this would be good workout music for him if his TV ever broke.

Imagine Dragons- Demon and Believer seem to fit with the (identity crisis?), he goes through the film and I think he'd like their music too.

Hozier- I think he ever got into a relationship with someone seriously, and they knew everything about him and still stayed, Take Me to Church would be their theme song. Also the overall band’s vibes seem to fit him.

I don't think he'd listen to these next two but I cannot listen to them without thinking of him so they're included.

City of Angels by Em Beihold - I think this song would be so perfect for a childhood friend who knew more of who he really was and how he felt about the people he worked with and they see him again years later and he's that shallow persona he hated.

Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons- This song reaks of his vibes. If you've never heard it, you got to. I think of him saying this to his inner child or something, it's just perfect. It's just the sort of Indie folk music I don't think he'd like.

Thanks for reading this! If you liked it let me know who I should do next(:

[library-seraph]

Higher than the Stars playlist

This is subject to be updated as I find new songs (It probably needs more metal)

Liner notes below the cut like it's 2013

Cobra Tattoo- The Mountain Goats (Where the title comes from)

Higher than the stars I will set my throne God does not need Abraham, God can raise children from stones

Dream at night Girl with the cobra tattoo And try to hear The garbled transmissions coming through

Isis Unveiled- And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead

I have made you in my likeness and I have made you The keeper of my garden world As you honor me in kind, I'll be grateful but be warned for

I am a jealous God Give me daughters, send me sons, I'll make them all chosen ones

I'll send them out to die To meet the angels of death With no fears, no regrets

Wayward Daughter- Brown Bird

Cast not your stone at the wayward daughter Lay down the gavel and the robe If not for the lure of darker water No salvation we would know

For every saint, a wild marauder And a beast in wait for heroes tall

America- Sufjan Stevens

I have loved you, I have grieved I'm ashamed to admit I no longer believe I have loved you, I received I have traded my life for a picture of the scenery

I have loved you like a dream I have kissed your lips like a Judas in heat I have worshipped, I believed I have broke your bread for a splendor of machinery

Woman King- Iron and Wine

Hundred years, hundred more Someday we may see a Woman king, sword in hand Swing at some evil and bleed

Hundred years, hundred more Someday we may see a Woman king, bloodshot eye Thumb down and starting to weep

Neighbourhood #2 (Laika)- Arcade Fire

Alexander, our older brother Set out for a great adventure He tore our images out of his pictures He scratched our names out of all his letters

Our mother should've just named you Laika…

It's for your own good It's for the neighborhood…

Cry for Judas - The Mountain Goats

Feel the storm every night, hope it passes by Hallucinate a shady grove where Judas went to die

Unfurl the black velvet altar cloth Draw a white chalk Baphomet Mistreat your altar boys long enough And this is what you get

Ancient Names (Part 1)- Lord Huron

Far out past the astral plane I cast you back from whence you came Cosmic cache and blackened brain And call you by your ancient names

I gotta get away from here I gotta get away from her

Sapokonikan - Joanna Newsom (Not on Spotify, fyi)

Interred with other daughters, in dirt in other potters' fields above them, parades mark the passing of days through parks where pale colonnades arch in marble and steel,

where all of the twenty-thousand attending your foot fall and the cause that they died for are lost in the idling bird calls, and the records they left are cryptic at best, lost in obsolescence. The text will not yield, nor x-ray reveal with any fluorescence where the hand of the master begins and ends.

The Garden of Earthly Delights- Apocalypse Orchestra

Brought to life, in the image of God In this holy place Settled among the creatures odd Eve, dear girl, avert thy gaze Claims to love them all Her world below Minding not their fall A mirthful show

Hey Ho- Tracy Grammar

TV's on, the favorite son Is watchin' how the West was won Daddy, please, a plastic gun Get brother one for twice the fun

Hey ho, so it goes The point of sale, the puppet show The merchant kings of war and woe Have turned their hands to labor Sound out the trumpet noise The cannons bark and jump for joy Someone's dread and darlin' boy Has fallen on his saber

Mama- My Chemical Romance

Mama, we're all full of lies Mama, we're meant for the flies And right now, they're building a coffin your size Mama, we're all full of lies

Well, mother, what the war did to my legs and to my tongue You should've raised a baby girl, I should've been a better son If you could coddle the infection, they can amputate at once You should've been, I could have been a better son

Rainbow Signs- mewithoutyou

Pale horse songs of a slow decline Side show words if our moms don't mind:

God gave Noah the rainbow sign No more water, is the H-Bomb next time?

With imperial crowns we were sent, Riding out conquest-bent Daylight is breaking Wielding the sanctified sword For the army of the Scarecrow Lord

Breath of Life- Florence+ the Machine

I was looking for a breath of life For little touch of heavenly light But all the choirs in my head sang, "No, oh no, oh!"

To get a dream of life again A little vision of the start and the end But all the choirs in my head sang, "No, oh no, oh!"

A Demon's Fate- Within Temptation

What have you done? Is this what you wanted? What have you become? Your soul's now forsaken You're walking alone From heaven into hell

Angels have faith I don't want to be a part of this sin I don't want to get lost in this world I'm not playing this game

The Black- Dynazty

Revelation, devastation Opened up eyes blinded from the start I was the child born in the dark of your heart

Instigator, manipulator You baptized my life through burning pain Now I can never feel again

Out of silence comes defiance Risen to deny all that you are I'm the man forged in the fires of your war

Vindicator, a liberator I have come to set you free through pain You will be forced to feel again

O Superman- Laurie Anderson

Hello? This is your mother, are you there? Are you coming home?

And I said: okay, who is this really? And the voice said: This is the hand, the hand that takes This is the hand, the hand that takes This is the hand, the hand that takes

'Cause when love is gone, there's always justice And when justice is gone, there's always force And when force is gone, there's always Mom. Hi Mom!

[lunarsun12]

Soobin New Friend

Masterlist

Next Part

Soobin got a call from Seonghwa, as once again he had another stressful day with the kids. As this time Jongho managed to break his broom plus someone planted a flour bomb in the bathroom (highly suspected it was Wooyoung).

Soobin suggest they should go to karaoke together and let’s say the karaoke session, got a bit long mainly Seonghwa singing sad songs whilst crying about his life. Until they both passed out and next thing they woke up is back at Seonghwa place magically. It was San who found them on the street singing. However Yeonjun was not happy with the late arrival of Soobin. Yeonjun decided to matters in his own hands.

Let’s found out what Yeonjun has installed for Soobin

Yeonjun and Soobin Private Chat

Today 22:00

Yeonjun🦊: Yah Soobinie! Why aren’t you picking your phone??

Soobin🍞: Ah I’m sorry I was busy hanging out with my friend ^-^

Yeonjun🦊: Seonghwa again?

Soobin🍞: Yes he is very stress! Poor guy he was so upset that his kid broke his 10th broom today

Yeonjun🦊: Why you always hanging out with him? What about me?

Soobin🍞: I see you everyday! You won’t miss me for a few hours

Soobin🍞: I will be back soon, please tuck Kai into bed. He is really shaken up from last week

Yeonjun🦊: Fine.

Yeonjun🦊: But I’m not happy

The next day

Back at the TXT Kids Chat

Today 5:00am

Heuningkai🐧: Why is Appa and Eomma screaming?

Beomgyu🐻: Really this is early!

Taehyun🐯: AHEM Kai meant like fight fight

Beomgyu🐻: Ahhhh I can’t tell the difference sometimes

Heuningkai🐧: What the difference in the first place??

Taehyun🐯: Let’s move on shall we

Beomgyu🐻: FYI I didn’t do anything. I was hanging out with Jongho yesterday

Heuningkai🐧: I think they arguing about Eomma coming home late??

Taehyun🐯: Did I hear the front door slam-

Beomgyu🐻: Let’s ask whoever is left behind

After the kid decided to see what’s happening. They saw a very distress Soobin, in the living room

Soobin: Oh kids you are awake?

Taehyun: Why did Appa leave the house?

Soobin: Your Appa is being jealous once again. It not my fault I feel asleep at my friend house!!

Beomgyu: You have friends?

Soobin: Oh gyu you and your jokes! C’mon I make kids your favourite food

Heuningkai: Yay! I love Eomma pancakes!

Many hours later

Back at Seonghwa and Soobin Chat

Seonghwa🌸: Sooobinnn! Your husband is a monster!!

Soobin🍞: What?

Seonghwa🌸: H-he came into my home and took my hongjoong away, saying he will take something precious from me

Seonghwa🌸: This is only time Hongjoong came home!

Soobin🍞: Calm down Seonghwa, let me talk to him. Why don’t you come over we can talk it out

Seonghwa🌸: I can’t leave the house, I’m too stress

Soobin🍞: Fine I come over and I call Yeonjun

[serenity-songbird]

Howdy!!!

It's been quite a while.

I'm sorry for the sudden disappearance with no communication.

Truth is...I've been through a lot...For so long I have been trying to bury my past...to the point it become too much to Handle.

So...I have decided that I will tell you the story of Serenity Songbird.

It's not just for the sake of my mental health. It is also for the hope that you may read this and learn that sometimes...you have to face your fears if you want the pain to stop.

By the trigger warnings, you will most likely know the issues already.

FYI. You don't have to read. This is mainly for me to get out all my frustrations, fears, and sorrows.

Below contain triggering topics like: Rape, Attempted Suicide, Self Harm, Child Abuse & Neglect, Bullying PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression.

If any of these topics bother you. Stop reading.

This is mainly an Autobiography to lift the load of my chest and aid in my recovery.

Beware. This is going to be long...

My name is Serenity Song.

I have been described by people who me know as:

Creative

Kind

Loving

Loyal

Weird (But in a good way)

Funny

Shy/Timid

Happy-Go-lucky

Talented

And definitely a doormat..

I grew up in the suburbs. Nice neighborhood. Great neighbors and long time friends. I have 2 parents who love me and 2 brothers who, definitely could be annoying at times, but of course we loved each other in our own sibling way.

For the first 12 years..I was happy. Sure it had it's ups and downs with my parents having arguments every other day. Being punished and beat for the stupid things we all do as children.

It wasn't so bad...Except for the fact that I was constantly bullied and told how much of an ugly freak I was. So I definitely didn't have self esteem back then.

But I managed to endure it...After all...

Kids are cruel and if you are being bullied, it's your fault. So. Just. Be. Normal. "It's not a big deal."

...

*Well...there's trauma number 1.*

Because bullying is never okay. It shouldn't be normalized. And yes. It. Is. Traumatic. And it is NOT. Your. Fault.

Then, I turned 13 close to the end of my 8th year in middle school. The bullying stopped. I was so happy. Not only that but was I going to be a high schooler schooler soon! And I was to go into it with a boyfriend!

**Introducing trauma number 2.**

I was excited......But I couldn't enjoy it for long because my life went down into flames.

My very first boyfriend left me for my best friend. He broke up with me over text...on Christmas Eve...the day. Before. My. Birthday.

I found out after winter break. My friends, who were hesitant to tell me, said they were dating.

I felt so insecure and hurt that I confessed not to one but 2 of my closest friends. Not out of love, but desperation. But I didn't know that at the time.

That hurt. He not only got over me so easily, but I found out she confessed to him after we started dating and got together immediately after breaking up. Yet, because of the fact that I had very few friends to begin with, I didn't say anything. I just smiled and congratulated them. Because we are Best Friends...

Yeah right.

The first one, lasted two weeks. I just realized I didn't have feeling for him. We stayed friends, but I felt like a piece of shit.

The second one, lasted two and a half years. It was the biggest mistake I ever made.

Long story short...At 13 years old, I was raped by the boy I thought I loved. And despite the pain and fear, he manipulated me into thinking I wanted it. I didn't. But his snake-like whisper echoed in my mind...

"You are my girlfriend. That means you HAVE TO have sex with me. That's what girlfriends do. Now get dressed. My mom will be here soon."

***Trauma number 3.***

And he left without another word. And it happened again and again...to the point where I felt numb.

He didn't just abuse me sexually, but emotionally. He would constantly belittle me, ridicule me, and he separated me from my friends.

My friends tried to tell me something wasn't right with him...I didn't listen because I thought that I was in love...

How wrong I was...

And if that wasn't enough...at the exact same time, my Mami cheated on my Papi with 5 men. And he moved out to live with my Titi (aunt) until he could get his life back together.

I didn't know at the time what she did, I only found out months later. All I knew was that they got into a fight and got divorced.

******And so trauma number 4, 5, & 6 begin.******

He gave the house...and us....to my mother. Because he loved her and he didn't want to suddenly uproot the lives of his children and take them away from friends...

I wish he took us with him. I'd rather move to a whole other city than to endure the things my mother did to us...And what my boyfriend did to me.

Now...Don't get me wrong. Unlike some divorces, my Papi didn't completely abandon us. He'd visit. We'd sleep over at his temporary home every 2 weeks. We spent holidays and birthdays together still. And he didn't show any negative emotion towards my mother for our sake.

But I knew he was hurting. No matter how hard he tried to hide it.

The problem with my Mami was...she was in a deep depression. She had tried to kill herself. She would lay on her bed crying for hours while my 10 year old brother and I could hear from downstairs.

Then she started leaving us alone.

Everyday she went out to party and got drunk with friends. She would bring strange men home and we could hear them having sex. Which was gross. 🤢🤢🤢

Who the hell were these men?

It got so bad, I told my brother to lock the door everytime he was in there. Unfortunately, my lock didn't work, so I hid a knife under my bed for protection.

Then she would leave for days on end. Never came home. Which means she never went grocery shopping.

My brother and I scavenged for food...But we ran low.

I was now the caretaker of my brother. I bought his food with my birthday money. I did our laundry. I would take him outside with me to play games when my mother was...doing her business. Covered his ears. Said it was okay.

There was this one day that has haunted me for years...it still does.

One day, I went to check up on her. I didn't know what to say or do to make her feel better. How could I? I was just a kid.

"It's YOUR FAULT I am feeling like this. You're my daughter so you have to make me feel better. You're so WORTHLESS. You father is gone because you didn't stop him from leaving."

Worthless? MY fault?

Ever since then...I feel like every problem I encounter IS my fault. Even when it clearly isn't.

At the time I was afraid to tell my Papi..If I said anything Mami would go to jail. They'll take me and my younger brother away. I wished that my older brother didn't go to the army so he could help. He always know what to do. But we didn't have him at the time.

I wish I told my Papi...If I did...I wouldn't be so...messed up.

Then Mami invited a stranger into the house, but this time...he didn't leave. After 6 months of weeping and the finalized divorce papers, my Mami got engaged and married to one of the men she cheated on my Papi with...

I hated them.

I resented them.

Even know...I still can't get over this resentment for all the things that women put us through.

...

But when she married my Step-dad, things got better...

Mami was happy again. And Papi got an apartment and was in a happy relationship. (Though they didn't get married right away like my Mami did. And it took a lot more time for him to move on).

He cooked. He cleaned. He...took care of us and never layed a hand on us. He made us laugh.

At the time, I was quite the poet and singer. He'd listen to all my songs and poems. He was kind and involved himself in our lives and after school activities.

Eventually, I grew to love my Step-dad and now I have 2 Papi's and 2 Mami's. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

And then...my boyfriend's mother found out about what me and him were doing behind closed doors and told my parents.

We got in trouble. Grounded for the entire summer and not allowed to see each other. I got yelled at...I blamed myself. It was MY FAULT. I DESERVE THIS.

I told them it was consented. I defended him. Because I loved him.

My step dad marched into his house to yell at him...

That was embarrassing...Especially when he yelled, "HOW DARE YOU F*** MY DAUGHTER IN THE ***!"

I was mortified. He shouldn't have said that.

(I didn't tell them about the abuse until I was 21. I could see the regret, anger, and concern in their eyes...My mom had to hold my step-dad from hurting him...)

I was severely depressed over the summer. My mom gave me her antidepressants to help...I nearly overdosed because she didn't know that while the dosage was perfect for her, it was too much for me. My step-dad was pissed when he found out. She didn't give them to me anymore.

After the summer break, we saw each other again...And we were still together... But he was different...Crueler...Meaner.

Yet...I stayed. Because I loved him.

I was now constantly anxious that I did something wrong. I started to cut my arms. I tried to kill myself with a scarf only to fail.

"I've changed."

His abuse got worse and worse until I couldn't take it anymore. We broke up.

Then got back together a week later after he manipulated me.

He didn't.

I didn't last long. I officially broke up with my abusive boyfriend forever.

I was finally free.

I should be happy...

"Why am I not happy?"

In order to be happy. I had to forget. I'm not suffering anymore.

Just. Forget. About. It.

So I dug down to the deepest, darkest place in my head.

I covered it.

I chained it.

I locked it up and threw away the key.

As the years went by I suffered more bad luck.

From one toxic relationship to the other.

*I lost count of the trauma I endured.*

I was desperate for love. I wanted to feel like my body was mine and nobody else's. So I had to prove it by doing, what I convinced myself, I wanted.

More painful memories were added to the pile...

But soon...there was no more room.

And the past started to leak out.

I woke up, sweating and choking on air. Trying to control my breathing, but my chest felt like it was constricted.

Memories I tried to forget flashed into my mind.

I started to see things...hear things. But nothing was there.

There were moments where I was no longer in my house, but back in my childhood home relieving my worst nightmares.

Than one day...I snapped.

Just 2 months ago, I nearly drove my car off a bridge.

That's when I knew I needed help...Not just for my sake, but my husband's.

I didn't even realize what I was doing until my car hit the curb making the car jump. I snapped out of it and swerved.

I rushed home and I cover the entire top half of my arms with razor scratches and watched the blood drip down into the sink.

I just can't live like this anymore...

Then my husband saw my arms and he cried for me and held me close.

Truthfully, if it wasn't for him...I would have done it. I would not be here now if it wasn't for his support and love for the past 3 and a half years we've been together.

I was admitted into the hospital with constant supervision.

I was diagnosed with PTSD...

Not only that but my body suffers from illness as well. From my brain, to my heart, lungs, liver, immune system, and GI system. All due to weight gain and unhealthy lifestyle from my eating disorder.

It sucks...It really really sucks. I am so fortunate to be blessed with a loving and supportive family as well as an understanding boss and coworkers. Not a lot of people can say that.

I'm still recovering, but I've started seeing Doctors for all my issues. I see my therapist and psychiatrist regularly. The meds help a lot as well.

I'm recovering slowly. But I know it's going to take a long time before I can say that I'm healed. Could be years for all I know. But I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm trying to help myself.

Thank you all for the messages to check up on me and your kind words of encouragement. I am thankful to have understanding and caring followers. I love each and everyone of you.

If y'all ever need an ear to listen to listen and a shoulder to cry on. You can always shoot me a message.

I'm here for you.

And thank you for reading.

~Here's your daily dose of love~

😘😘😘

[carsonian]

🍐 and 🍍for the writers ask game?

1st of all, this feels like standing before a God & receiving fruit. Like. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be the other way around. I'd LOVE for it to be the other way around--i.e., I'd love to hear YOUR answers to the game. What music (if any) did YOU listen to when you broke the fandom's brain into neat quarters with "Gather Ye Rosebuds"? Or what rarepairs do you enjoy? You're so good at nailing character voices (see: "non-functional requirements") that I feel like you'd convince me to give, like, Thanos/Groot a go.

Onto the fruit 🔪🤔

🍐 - Do you listen to music when you write? If yes, what kind? If no, why not?

Not really! Mostly, I prefer dialogue and chatter. I like to keep shows running in the background; I think it helps me keep the fic moving. That being said, if I've got a particular song stuck in my head, it'll bleed into whatever fic I'm writing. That also being said (lots being said here), it's not always 1-1. Like "Transcendental Blues" by Steve Earle doesn't reallllyyy have anything to do with "Transcendental Blues" the fic. But it also kinda does. Blue curtains type beat. I think the CLEAREST link between fic and song is the summer camp crack fic I wrote--Never Let You See (Baby, What You Mean To Me)--for which I listened to 1 hour of silence broken up by random cartoon sound effects. And well. It complements the fic pretty well. Also, I'm never doing that again. I felt like I was in a Loony Tunes skit for hours afterward.

🍍- Rarepairs? Yea or nay?

Firstly, I don't mean to be that person but maybe I do because I feel like this fruit should have been the pear? Or is that too gauche? Somebody tell me. My radar's off.

And, rarepairs, YAY! Cause, see, I'm a Steve/Tony gal first & foremost. If they're the main course--I'm having a good time regardless. I'm feasting. I'm nom-nom-nom-ing. I don't mind what the side salad is. Or whether the fries are thick or thin. 'Cause the burger is scrumpdillyicious. I may reach for the salsa dip--why not a little Bucky/Sam?--and sometimes, a good beverage washes it down--Nat/Bruce, sure--but I'm there for the burg and if the burg's rockin, this girl's gonna roll. Nooo okay siri delete that last sentence. NO siri embrace cringe. die mad. die feeling something.

I think I'm getting too comfortable on this app but thank you @lazywriter7 and pls let me know the soundtrack to all your fics so I can wallow. A good wallow is nigh! Aight, I'm off to re-read "we were infinite" 🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️(see how I'm walking towards the fic. Even the emojis know whassup & what's good. FYI: this fic is whassup & what's good.)

FYI x2: ask game.