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twistsandtwizzles · 1 year

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Stars on Mars: Episode 3

Welcome back to the Red Planet, AKA Australia somewhere. I am assuming if you’re reading this you do not need me to write a recap of the recap that Shatner gives us of what has happened so far, so I’ll just dive into the morning of “Sol Day 5.”

We open on Ariel and Adam washing dishes. Adam asks how Ariel slept. She reports that Porsha was hallucinating about a dog being in their room in the middle of the night.

“We’ve been here in the hab for awhile,” Adam says to the camera, explaining that some people are getting cabin fever. “Is this place driving me crazy? Yeah, of course. The only good thing is that I was crazy before I got here.”

Back in the kitchen, Porsha is explaining her dog-related hallucination to the crew in great detail. She is swearing that one of the girls in the bunk room must have barked, they insist that no one did. “I’m losing my damn mind,” Porsha says.

Ronda facetimes her adorable child, and wipes away tears after hanging up. Richard is also struggling a bit, and misses his family and kids. He says he hadn’t heard of space madness before but he thinks he might be experiencing it. And I sympathize with being homesick but . . . these people do realize that they are not actually in space, right?

Lady Hab Voice alerts the crew about a new arrival: a robot dog! Most of the cast react to this arrival by screaming and running away and frankly I cannot blame them; the”dog” is four spindly robot legs with a cell phone screen for a face and it makes weird clicking noises when it walks.

Porsha gamely names it “Maresha, ‘cause we’re on Mars” and then immediately gives a talking head about how the dog was aggressive and chased her around. “I didn’t like that dog,” she says, as the footage shows her hiding behind Adam. “I’ve got you,” Adam says, laughing.

The robot dog clunks over to Tinashe who tells it to sit. It does. Tinashe grins and gives it a pat. Lady Hab Voice assigns Lance and Tinasha to go walk the dog which apparently they have to do outside?? It’s a robot?? Whatever. They put on their suits and try to get it to play fetch (which it doesn’t do), and they make small talk about who the next Base Commander will be. Lance says he’s not interested because he "likes to go outside" and that he thinks "it’s lame to sit there and read directions.”

Tinashe tells Lance she thinks she would be a pretty strong option for Base Commander; Lance says he agrees. Tinashe gives a talking head about how she thinks people underestimate her but she knows that she’s strong and could do the job. For those playing Reality TV Bingo at home, she also gives us a, “I’m a competitive person, and I didn’t come here for any reason but to win.” It’s not exactly “I’m not here to make friends” but it’s pretty darn close!

Tinashe promises Lance that if she’s Base Commander she’ll do everything she can to make sure he stays on the show. Sorry, "in the experiment." He promises her the same.

Back inside, Schwartz sits with Natasha and Adam and asks if either of them have a phobia about people making loud noises when they eat. “No,” Adam says, then asks the question everyone's thinking: “But what are you about to do?”

Schwartz holds up a piece of celery, dips it in something, and starts chewing. “Oh my god,” Adam says. “Is that just tabasco sauce?”

“Yeah,” Schwartz replies. “It’s hot.”

“Uh, yeah,” Adam says, looking appalled. “Is your ass going to be okay?”

“Yeah,” Schwartz says again, unruffled. I’m not really sure if he’s all that bright.

Tinashe and Lance return to the hab, seemingly without the dog?? Did they just leave it outside?? Lance gives a talking head where he puts his money on Tinashe making it to the end of the show: “She’s highly competitive, ambitious, and she’s very likable,” he says.

Meanwhile Tinashe has found Adam. “I want to know what your thoughts are,” she tells him, and they squirrel away for a private conversation.

“What are you thinking?” he asks her, once they are situated on the couch. Tinashe explains that the biggest problems with their missions have involved communication, and that while she thinks she has the knowledge and the leadership to be Base Commander she also feels like she struggles to get people to actually listen to her. Adam agrees with all of this, telling the camera that he thinks Tinashe would be great but is too soft spoken, and that he thinks that Ariel would actually have a voice that could cut through the chaos.

He goes to find the redhead. “You need to be the base commander on the next mission,” he tells her, point blank. “You need to step up.”

“Okay,” Ariel replies immediately, slightly taken aback. I feel like this moment is a small taste of what having Adam as your figure skating coach would be like.

“I’m going to be your campaign manager,” he tells Ariel, who laughs a little nervously. But you can tell she likes the idea. She gives a talking head about declining being Base Commander on Day 1 because she was scared, and says she needs to have confidence in herself.

We get a shot of the robot dog wandering around outside alone as the crew is informed it’s time to pick a new Base Commander. Tinashe throws her hat in the ring; Adam says that he wants to be base commander one day but he thinks that Ariel should have the job this time around. The group votes via secret ballot; Tinashe wins and is our new Base Commander. She’s thrilled. Ariel is a little disappointed.

After all of Marshawn’s posturing in episodes one and two about not wanting to leave the Base Commander suite, literally all Tinashe has to do is ask him to move out and he does. However the rest of the cast is amazed and impressed: “Tinashe is not fucking around!” Adam says in delight.

After commercials, we return to footage of the robot dog pooping nuts and bolts. I wish I was kidding.

Inside, Tinashe assigns daily duties. Clean up crew: Schwartz, Ariel, and Adam. (Adam: “Yes!”) Biodome vegetable duties: Ronda and Natasha. Running the daily workout: Marshawn and Richard.

Lady Hab Voice alerts the crew that “lower gravity on Mars can cause muscle waste” and so they must exercise. The way this show haphazardly decides what things are like space and which things aren’t makes my head hurt.

We see a short montage of Ronda, Marshawn, Richard, and Adam easily blowing through their ab series (bicycle crunches and planks) while Natasha struggles next to them. Her VO tells us that working out next to Olympians and pro athletes is pretty intimidating.

Richard gives a talking head about how much he enjoyed running the workout, and also how much he’s enjoying spending time with Ronda and Marshawn.

Schwartz enters the workout room and attempts to do the agility drill that Marshawn and Richard have set up. Lance and Ronda heckle, but Richard takes pity on him and coaches Schwartz through the drill. I think Richard seems like a sweet dude.

Schwartz notes that Richard/Marshawn/Ronda have clearly formed an alliance. He also says he’s tired of being in the bottom three and is determined to step it up.

Elsewhere Adam is wiping down the hab. “God, I love cleaning so much,” he says, and he is not being sarcastic in any way, shape, or form. Truly do not relate.

Natasha and Ronda are in the biolab as Lady Hab Voice talks about how important fresh food is to health and morale on Mars. Ronda talks a lot about how much she loves working in the biodome and that it is keeping her sane, and I don’t want to spoil anything about where the site of the crisis might be in the back half of this episode, but you’ve watched tv before, yes?

The crew heads to bed (we get a quick shot of Adam’s evening skincare routine, don’t worry everyone he’s still moisturizing on Mars) and then, of course . . . disaster! A spark in the biodome starts a fire! Alarms blare, and Tinashe starts waking everyone up. “You guys aren’t moving fast enough, there’s a fire!!” she says as Lance strolls slowly behind her, sipping on a canned beverage.

“Evacuate!” Tinashe yells, as Lady Hab Voice says, “Explosion is imminent.” The group puts on their space suits and head outside - Tinashe sprinting for her life, others moving more slowly. As soon as the last one of them is out of the hab, something explodes and everyone screams.

Back from the commercial, Adam is trying to be serious but is actually laughing; Ronda and Schwartz look legitimately horrified. “It better not be the plants,” Ronda says. She has definitely watched television before.

The fire has been magically put out in .5 seconds, so they are all allowed to go back in the hab pretty much right away. Once inside the group is instructed to go to bed and await further instructions in the morning.

Richard says he’s over this experiment: “I have had enough.”

Morning comes bright and early, with a message from Shatner. There has indeed been an explosion in the biodome, and they need to repair the structure and replant their crops “before it’s too late.” I have to say these arbitrary time restrictions make me laugh.

The mission in a nutshell: use some duct tape to repair the hole the “explosion” made on the outside of the dome, and then replant all the crops. Tinashe picks Ariel as her mission specialist because “she likes to boss people around,” but also because Tinashe is a smart cookie and knows that is a surefire way to win Ariel over.

Also, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but there has been no sign of the robot dog since the explosion. Did they blow that thing up?? Is there really no one in that hab curious about where their emotional support robot went?

Anyway, Ariel and Tinashe send Porsha, Marshawn, Richard, and Lance outside to repair the hole in the dome. This, much like the initial satellite mission, is lacking in any kind of drama. It’s not a very exciting job, to be fair - Marshawn and Richard are literally just required to hold ladders while Porsha and Lance tape up the dome.

Once the dome is fixed, everyone else is able to go into the biodome, where all the plants have been (fake) burned to a crisp. Schwartz, Adam, Ronda, and Natasha are tasked with cleaning out all the destroyed veggies and then transferring “94 cups of human biowaste” from the septic tank to the planter boxes so that they can replant. Everyone is rightfully disgusted by the solution in the septic tank that is basically muddy water with some cut-up hot dogs and corn floating in it that has also been scented to smell like an outhouse. Fun!

“I was expecting it to be a bit more solid,” Adam says when he gets a look at it.

If you have read Adam’s book, which ends with a long poop anecdote, you will not be surprised that he is absolutely unphased by this challenge. He totally rocks it, only stopping at one point to say, “Oh god, I am splashing diarrhea on myself.” Which yes, this fake poop is gross, but also, Adam, your hazmat suit is partially unzipped and you didn’t put on gloves so who exactly are we kidding here.

Meanwhile, Natasha has started to gag, and can’t stop. She has to remove herself from the room, only returning when Adam has spread the faux-poop water into all the planter boxes by himself. The group completes the mission with 23 seconds to spare, and everyone celebrates.

Now, of course, it’s time to figure out who goes home. The crew gets sent outside while Ariel and Tinashe discuss who is mission critical and who is not.

Ariel notes that Adam was “not afraid of anything” today. “Not only was he unafraid,” Tinashe agrees, “But he had a great attitude, he made it feel a little more lighthearted.” Go Adam!

Tinashe continues that Richard and Marshawn felt the most unessential. This is true, but to be fair to them both, they were literally assigned to stand in place and hold a ladder and that’s it. They did what they were told! This is basically what Marshawn says in his talking head.

The crew gets called inside, one by one, to get their patches. When Adam enters Ariel gets down on one knee and asks, Bachelorette-style, “Will you accept this patch?” Adam says, “I will!” and it’s cute.

Eventually it’s Schwartz, Natasha, Richard, and Marshawn left upstairs. Schwartz is relieved when he gets called inside and doesn’t have to be in the bottom three again. “I think I’m a future dark horse,” he says. I am not so convinced but I wish him the best of luck.

The crew huddles to decide who goes home. Ronda is brutally honest: she does not want to send home Richard or Marshawn. “I’d send any of you home first,” she tells them.

Natasha, Marshawn, and Richard are asked to make their case why they should stay. Natasha says that she doesn’t eat much so she’s really not a drain on the rations, and she thinks she can still contribute in new ways. Adam advocates for Nastasha down in the hab, which is nice of him considering she literally ran away gagging and made him fertilize potting soil with fake diarrhea all by himself.

Ariel says that Marshawn has consistently done the least, and Tinashe echoes this. Ronda says that Marshawn and Richard are a duo, and if one of them goes the other is likely close behind. “And then I’m going to be close behind,” she says.

But then - twist. Richard basically quits, saying, “You have a strong team with Natasha and Marshawn. I think I’ve already done my part.”

You can tell how popular Richard is, though, because even though he is quite literally asking to be kicked off, the group immediately starts trying to think of ways to keep him there. “Maybe if we can boost his morale,” Porsha says desperately. But it’s pretty obvious that you don’t keep a guy around who actively no longer wants to be there.

So Richard goes home. “I’m so mad at you,” Ronda tells him. Richard says that he feels like he set out what he wanted to accomplish, and that he’s excited to get home and see his kids.

Tinashe’s final talking head of the night says that after the elimination, things in the hab were tense. “Maybe this is becoming more of a social game,” she says, “which is a wakeup call.”

Ariel, Porsha, and Tinashe huddle in a hallway. Ariel says that she’s surprised this has become this kind of game, and that she thought it was supposed to be about the mission.

“I just didn’t know alliances were forming that hard,” Tinashe says.

“Well, we should be careful,” Ariel replies. “Or we’ll be next.”

And with that, we’re out.

Next week: lots of running, "oxygen depletion", and Ronda behind the comms screaming that someone is going to die (I’m going to guess probably no one is actually in mortal peril). Also Marshawn with a blow torch!

#stars on mars #recaps #adam rippon #this show is truly so dumb #and genuinely someone tell me what happened to the robot dog

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