#this show altered my brain chemistry my depression has depression

[aeon-uriel]

[hannahwdraws]

Oooooh i'm going crazy. Dragon Age Veilguard!!! Inquisition is my favorite game (don't @ me) of all time. That solavellan romance altered my brain chemistry because i have pages and pages of notes on Valynia as a character. Truly obsessed with the whole game and SO EXCITED for her to be back in WHATEVER CAPACITY it is. And if its bad shut up don't worry I can escape to my mind palace

These are sketches done since June 12th, after we got that gameplay trailer SHOWING THAT EGG!!! Edit::// putting my image descriptions under a cut //wet eyelid wink sfx

Valynia Lavellan hair through the ages. Yet another long haired elf gal, I know. But that's how I like to play most characters!! She was very proud of her intricate braids that would keep her hair tidy. Post trespasser, it was too much hair for her to manage with one hand. There was a deep depressive episode post trespasser where her hair got tangled and matted, requiring intervention from the other companions. She cried while it was cut, sobbing that Solas used to love her hair. Very Cersei Lannister coded. She had to keep it cropped close until she was able to control her prosthetic arm/generate a spirit hand with enough fine motor skills to braid again. Having got confirmation Veilguard is 9 years after trespasser, she has had enough time to grow it out again! She doesn't braid it as intricately anymore, leaving it half down, and her hair hasn't been able to grow back as long.

A shorter hair Lavellan, when she was in the process of growing it out. She's grown more somber and a little jaded playing the part of The Herald. She feels she needs to keep on the mantle to keep people in power in her support, but knows it makes it easier for Solas to turn elves against her, claiming she is a traitor to her own people.

A portrait taken soon after the Exalted Council.

God I have so many ideas and wants for a cool magical prosthetic!! Valynia was a knight enchanter so it makes sense to me that if she can channel a spirit blade, she should be able to channel a spirit ARM (for a short time). And I believe Dagna would absolutely be able to make her an enchanted prosthetic that when powered by magic, can articulate.

and 6. Man i DON'T WANT IT TO GO THIS WAY but its hard not to think of some good painful dialogue of these two idiots meeting again. I sure hope they can kiss and make up <:v Mentioned above: Valynia knows she can easily be painted as a traitor and a villain to other elves, which is why she's so bitter about the poetic irony that they'd flock to Solas, who was constantly defaming modern day elves.

WELL THAT'S it for now but there will probably be more!! BRB while i replay Origins and DA:2!!!!!!

[mywitchyblog]

Hi I recently read your posts about using shifting as escapism and that it's not actually bad so I was wondering, I suffer with severe ptsd and I really struggle with a lot of anxiety and nightmares is it possible I can shift to a reality where I no longer have trauma and ptsd and just live a normal life? I really hope the answer is yes because then I'm getting back into shifting, also LOVE your posts

Yes, absolutely!

If any of your questions start with "Can I...?" or "Is it possible to...?", the answer will always be yes. You have full control over your experience, and with the right mindset, anything is achievable.

Understanding PTSD and Mental Illness

Let’s take a moment to dive deeper into what PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) really is. PTSD is a serious mental health condition that can develop after a person has been through a traumatic experience. What many people don’t realize is that PTSD doesn’t just affect you mentally—it physically alters the brain. Specifically, areas like the amygdala, which is responsible for processing emotions, become hyperactive, while the prefrontal cortex, which regulates decision-making and control over behavior, may show reduced activity. The hippocampus, essential for memory formation, often shrinks in size. These changes illustrate that PTSD is not just a psychological condition; it’s also a neurobiological one, rooted in the brain's structure and chemistry.

But this also applies broadly to many mental illnesses and disorders. For instance, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and conditions like autism or ADHD all have physical correlations in the brain, either due to genetic factors, developmental differences, or environmental influences. Autism and ADHD, for example, are neurodevelopmental conditions where the brain is "wired" differently from birth, affecting how individuals perceive and process information.

Shifting: Not a Physical Process

When it comes to shifting, however, it's important to understand that shifting isn’t a physical process. Shifting doesn’t mean physically transporting your body or brain to another reality. Rather, it’s a metaphysical, consciousness-driven phenomenon, where your mind or awareness shifts into a different reality—what we call the Desired Reality (DR). Your physical brain in your Current Reality (CR) remains as it is, but your consciousness detaches and moves into the DR.

Because shifting operates on a metaphysical and consciousness-based level, the mental and physical conditions tied to your CR brain, such as PTSD or other disorders, do not inherently carry over into your DR. Your consciousness is free of those conditions unless you specifically choose to bring them with you.

This means that if your CR brain has PTSD, it won’t affect you in your DR unless you consciously script it to follow you. Since your DR brain is essentially "new" and separate from your CR brain, it does not automatically carry any mental illnesses or injuries unless you script them into existence.

How to Ensure Your Desired Reality Experience

If you’re concerned about any lingering conditions in your DR, scripting can be a powerful tool to set clear intentions for your experience. For example, you could write in your script: “In my DR, my brain is perfectly healthy and neurotypical. I do not, cannot, and will never experience any mental illness, disorder, or injury, including PTSD.” This ensures that your DR brain is free of any limitations or conditions you don’t want to bring with you.

Shifting gives you the freedom to design your reality exactly how you want it. If you don’t want to carry over your PTSD, anxiety, or any other condition, simply leave them behind in your CR. Your consciousness is malleable and adaptable, meaning you have the power to create a version of yourself that feels entirely free from any mental or physical ailments.

Why Shifting Can Be Therapeutic

Shifting, for many, can be a form of therapeutic escape. Since you can choose how you experience your DR, including the state of your mental and physical health, it offers an opportunity to exist in a reality where you are free from the burdens of mental illness or past trauma. Shifting can provide relief, a sense of empowerment, and even personal healing. It allows you to see yourself without the constraints of your CR conditions, potentially giving you the space and clarity to explore new aspects of yourself.

Final Thoughts

So, to put it simply: If you have PTSD or any mental illness in your CR, it won’t automatically follow you into your DR unless you choose to bring it with you. You have the power to create a new reality, free from the limitations or conditions of your CR brain.

And if you ever have any doubts, just remember: you can always script your DR to be exactly as you want it to be. For example, scripting “My brain in my DR is perfectly healthy and neurotypical, free from any mental illness or disorder, including PTSD,” ensures that your DR experience is peaceful and exactly as you desire.

Lastly, thank you so much for your lovely compliment—I truly appreciate your kind words!

[djarins-cyare]

So it’s been a year…

One year since Disney released episode 1 season 3 of The Mandalorian

One year since I published chapter 1 of Be-All And Endor

I don’t really remember much of the first 20 weeks of that year, just that it was a flurry of proofreading and finalising and uploading (the hard parts) and comment reading and new friend making and massively appreciating (the wonderful parts).

Proofing and publishing 2 chapters a week with average lengths of around 10k words was exhausting. But for the first 8 of those weeks I had Din Djarin on the screen (intermittently *ahem* but this isn’t a post about the quality of s3) and for the rest of the year I had my readers leaving comments and sending messages, and it was… overwhelmingly the best year of my life.

I mean that. The best year. Ever. Because of you. Any of you, all of you, if you’ve ever even just clicked on my fic and given it chance, you’ve raised the hits on it. Even seeing that metric tick up has made me so thankful.

Because I didn’t think I could write. I always wanted to be an author but never believed in myself.

I did an English degree with writing in mind, but told myself nobody ever does anything with an English degree. I took creative writing modules, and when the published author who ran the class gave me scathing feedback, my dream fully died. I got an okay grade, hardly anything to be proud of, and I graduated and went to work in another industry.

I suffered from clinical depression.

One day many years later, I found a favourite author online and messaged him to ask when his fourth novel in a series was being published, and (emboldened by the anonymity of being online) cheekily offered to proofread it for him. Except he took me seriously and sent me the prologue to see what I could do. Like, for a real book you can buy on Amazon. After feeling sick for two whole days I went all Autistic Obsession on it and sent him back the most thoroughly proofed bit of writing anyone had ever seen. And I got the job. (I say ‘job’, I’d volunteered for free in exchange for the privilege of reading it in advance, so I can only ever call it semi-professional since I didn’t earn from it).

This, amongst other things, lifted me from my depression. I came off the pills and felt happier, more creative. Once the proofing was completed, the author encouraged me to write my own stuff, but whilst I’d gained some confidence… my brain was empty. I had no clamouring stories to get down on the page, no gems ready to polish.

Then in summer 2021, a friend sat me down and showed me the first 3 episodes of the Mandalorian. And my brain chemistry was instantly altered. I binge-watched the first two seasons, by the end of which I was unequivocally in love with Din Djarin, and then I binge-watched them again.

Around that time, I moved to a different country. Well, Wales is still the UK, but it’s a different country to England, and I was now 170 miles away from my friends. I went because as a single woman on a middling salary, London is too expensive to live in and having rid myself of an overbearing long term relationship, I was NOT keen to get into another one just to pay the bills. The pandemic meant I could work remotely, so I upped sticks and moved to Cardiff, resolving to visit my office in London (and my friends) once a month. It’s 2 hours by train, totally doable.

So what to do with all the spare time I suddenly had?

By Easter 2022 I’d started writing. 9 months later (yes, it’s my actual baby), Be-All And Endor was complete and I began publishing alongside season 3’s release.

Now… it has over 62.k views and 1.2k kudos 🥹🤯

Did I think it would be this popular? No way. I can’t even believe it now. I still see SO much wrong with it, which is why I’m still proofreading and editing it.

A professional proofread/edit takes a long time, and if you’re wondering what I’m doing to it, it involves the following:

Checking for things like clichés, non-inclusive language

Checking all adverbs to see if a better word can be used (e.g. ‘bellows’ instead of ‘shouts loudly’… adverbs usually end in -ly and it’s not good to overuse them)

Rephrasing any passive sentences (simply put: ‘the ship is flown by Din’ is passive; ‘Din flies the ship’ is active)

Reducing average sentence length (shorter sentences are easier to read)

Going through every single damn polysyllabic word (e.g. anything that has more than 3-syllables) and seeing if a shorter synonym can be found (this helps the rhythm, as too many long words slows things down and can make readers stumble… and I use them a lot 😖)

Checking the 50 most frequently used words and seeing if I can find synonyms for those (helps give more variety in the language)

Ensuring Din’s name isn’t overused or underused, and adding epithets (e.g. ‘the hunter’ or ‘your Mandalorian’) where it’s overused but it’s too confusing to just say ‘he’/‘him’

These are the big things, but there’s more too - I’m streamlining decisions I made to use certain phrasings throughout; tweaking Din’s word choice here and there to ensure his voice is captured the best way possible; revamping some of the photos. And with all the tiny tweaks, it’s slowly padding things out too… when publishing was done it was 393k, now it’s 403k, although it’s not extra content as such, just better described.

I’m up to chapter 13 so far, and I’ll probably be doing this for another 2 years to get through all 40, because (a) I want to write other things too so that slows down the proofing, and (b) I so badly want to be proud of this project… everyone’s telling me I should be, and I am in a way… but it’s more gratitude to others than pride in myself… and I feel like if I get this proofing done and finally have a story I’m truly happy with, I can at last let myself be proud of what I achieved here.

I confess, I’m so envious of those who can post something without obsessing over it. I know it’s a facet of my autism, and I’ve long since accepted that my neurodivergent brain will not let me be cool about things other people are cool about. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I should turn it to my advantage, so okay… I’m gonna make this fic the same quality as a published book on your bookshelf. And meanwhile I’m gonna enjoy and love all the fics that people can write and publish with far greater speed than I can, because the greatest thing about this fandom is that every contribution is worthy of appreciation, no matter the author’s experience or writing method. Quality fic isn’t synonymous with proofreading, and I hope it’s clear that I’m describing my obsession with perfecting my own writing, not other people’s. I’ve read so many amazing authors on here, and I want them all to know how much I love their work (any recs are from the bottom of my heart).

So anyway, this long and rambling post has turned into something unintended… I guess you now have some insight into my mind and the origins of Be-All And Endor and the future of it. Not what I meant to do, but I’ll leave it in for context.

Because the real reason I started writing this diatribe was because I wanted to express my true and undying gratitude to everyone who has ever read, commented, or left kudos on my fic over on AO3, and/or messaged me, followed me, interacted with me, or reblogged my masterlist here on tumblr 🧡💚

I know I am insanely lucky to have received the level of support I have, and I don’t take that for granted at all. I want to give back to this fandom, and I love reading and reccing other people’s fics, meeting new moots, and hopefully soon I’ll be publishing new fics for you all to read too. Fresh material is percolating, so it won’t be too long now.

So thank you to everyone who reads this post, you’re the absolute best and I love you more than I have the vocabulary to describe. Please accept a grateful forehead kiss instead 💋

[sillimancer]

so I've been watching Bluey and I'm on episode 37/52 in series 1 so I feel like I've seen enough of it to have genuine thoughts (I skimmed the wikipedia page too)

the reason I started watching it was because of its reputation among millennials with kids who have been swearing up and down that it's basically free therapy for our age group. I'm definitely in the market to having my brain chemistry altered but after 37 episodes, I don't know that I'm there yet. there is still a lot of show left to go though, and some of the most-circulated clips I've seen on social media have been in episodes I haven't come across yet, so that is subject to change.

what I CAN say is that Bluey is objectively a very good tv show that 100% deserves its Peabody award. it's thoughtful, fun, and honestly funnier than it has any right to be. I've laughed out loud more than once. Joe Brumm made the show with the intention of it being entertaining for both kids and parents and he absolutely nailed that balance, I think. in that way, it's not a kid show; it's a family show. and I like that (and I'm pleasantly surprised by how well it works!).

I haven't been a kid for a long time so it's hard for me to put myself in the shoes of a child, especially in a world that is so drastically different from mine. I think this is the first kid show I've seen that prominently features things like smartphones. I know those shows exist--the new Blue's Clues is a good example of how things have been updated to suit modern audiences--but it's something that caught my eye as an Old Fart (in internet years). Not as a bad or good thing, just as a "wow I'm getting older and it's getting harder to relate to or even understand childhood" kind of way. Maybe that's why people want to be parents so badly. To reconnect with that. I can sympathize with that feeling.

the show focuses a lot on Bluey and her sister and friends navigating the world through imaginative play, which I love and has a solid backing in child developmental psychology. I actually just started learning a little bit about play therapy (I follow a play therapist on tiktok who kinda got me into it, I love her), so I feel like I've been getting a little bonus bit of enrichment out of the show for that. it's like when you're watching a movie that's partly in another language and you don't speak the language but you recognize it and can maybe pick out a couple words? it's like that.

I think Brumm really captured lightning in a bottle with this project. you can feel the love it's made with. the storylines are grounded with just the right touch of an almost magical or fantastical quality that really makes you feel childlike wonder even as a cynical and deeply depressed 30-something. There's conflict and mess, sure, but built on a foundation of safety and community, and I think that's probably what's resonating with (american) millennials. we inherited so much instability and pain from our previous generations that it's hard to believe a world or even a family unit like Bluey's could exist. parents who love each other? who are active in their children's lives? who apologize when they do something wrong? COULDN'T BE US!

all this to say I'm enjoying the show, it's heartwarming, it's charming, it's delightful, and I hope Joe Brumm lives forever. but it's also very much designed for children so like. I worry the millennial parents crying over this show on tiktok may be overselling it.

[winvyre]

OC-tober But I Have No Prompts And Just Do Whatever I Want: Day 16

SUPER LONG POST!!!!

Originally my version of a Glitter Force series (that show altered my brain chemistry), a combination of three total generations and various artistic outputs of general magical girl brainrot has produced [Magical Girl Show].

From left to right (Name/Alias): Elodie/Peony, Adita/Cirque, Megha/Sukha, Imani/Lemondrop.

Each girl's design is based on her insecurities and interests (it goes with the whole "magic comes from the heart lore). All the good stuff is under the cut!

Protagonists:

Elodie had to grow up too fast and she likes gardening so her theme is flower. She was placed in a caregiver role when she was pretty young because her mother fell ill, her father isn't very paternal (he's always away on business, only ever dropping in occassionally to buy back his kids' affection with gifts or mailing in a check to cover expenses. He also cheated on his wife after she got sick and has a secret second family he prefers), and she has two younger siblings who need to be taken care of. The outfit also takes inspiration from classic ballerinas because she used to love ballet but had to quit to have more time so she started gardening as a close-to-home way of coping. Elodie chooses the name Peony because her mom had a prized peony bush in the front yard that sparked her love for gardening.

At first Elodie only participates because Adita begged her (Adita was once one of Elodie's bullies) but she realizes she feels empowered being a magical girl and a genuine friendship starts blossoming between them (but beware the lingering resentment). Her weapon is a rake that she uses like a combat staff and flies on like a witch would with a broom.

-=+=-

Megha was always the happy-go-lucky, bubbly, optimist type. When her parents divorced and she had to move away from her community, she kept a smile on her face even as she was consumed by depression and crippling loneliness. The more she overcompensates the worse she feels but she can't face her darkness or she'll fall apart. She'll pop like a bubble (her theme!) Megha chooses the name Sukha as a nod to her Hindu culture and as a wish to feel all right again.

Being a magical girl distracts Megha from her bad thoughts and gives her a friend group to hang out with. She may be on good terms with pretty much everyone but she isn't really close with anyone until she bonds with her team but then we get to have "are we really friends or do we just hang out because we're forced to" angst. She does gain a girlfriend in Elodie by the end. Her weapon is a giant bubble wand that summons giant bubbles for capture/containment or she can sit/stand and float on them (only Megha can touch them without becoming trapped).

-=+=-

Shamefully, Imani is not as developed as the other characters. I can't even seem to get her transformed design right. Here's what I do have: Imani has self worth issues and struggles with feelings of envy. She's "sour," like her theme of lemon, after living in her older sister's shadow. She was Adita's best friend when they were little. Her reason for accepting magical girl duty? Partially Imani wants to reconnect and partially being told she's special makes her feel good. Her weapon is the soda cans attached to the belt on her dress which she can pull the tab off of and throw and they'll explode like a grenade but it's more like a shockwave than fire and death. The tabs can then be used as throwing stars.

-=+=-

Adita is the main character.

Groundbreaker (the mallet) chooses Adita to carry on Blanc's legacy then won't let her discard it, reappearing nearby every time she tries to get rid of it. The bad guys won't leave Dita alone because she has Groundbreaker. Unless she's chill with dying, she kinda has to fight back. Even though she's resistant at first, eventually, being the "chosen one" goes to her head so she gets unchosen until she stops being a jerk.

Adita feels the need to perform for others so her theme is circus/carnival. She has to do well in school and activities and act strong through her chronic pain so she doesn't bother anyone with her "neediness." Her parents put a lot of pressure on her and they don't understand yet that her pain just won't go away. It's constant.

"But who is Blanc?"

I'm glad you asked! But first, the magic system and other internal logic because I'm an info-dumping fiend!

Setting & Magic System:

Transformations are done via sticker.

In the original pilot, this is only used on the Demises (bad guys' monster of the week that replaced Bafoons. They were inanimate objects turned evil and when they activated they created an arena with invisible walls to hide the destruction from onlookers and a magic time loop to reset the damage when that arena disappeared) and the magical girl transformation is done via Glitter Pact (because I was writing a Glitter Force series).

In [Magical Girl Show], the Demises work a bit differently and the sticker catalyst applies to everyone.

-=+=-

In the unnamed Magical Girl Realm, technology was developed that allowed people to enhance their magical abilities with a sticker stuck over their heart. Because magic comes from the heart.

The sticker merely collects the magic in the world to a single spot where it can be drawn upon. The manifestation is based on the user's personality and the normally gray circle sticker changes its appearance to reflect that.

Without this sticker, magic is limited in the MG Realm and impossible on Earth.

The unnamed Big Bad modifies and abuses this technology to channel magic into unwilling participants and thus create the Demises. This kind of exploitation is why only a chosen few in the MG Realm get to be magical warriors.

-=+=-

At first, the magical warriors were general law enforcement, emergency responders, etcetera. When BBEG started manufacturing his own stickers and dishing them out to his followers (like the goons who are in a perma-transformed state) and started his takeover, they became actual warriors who fought the darkness. The war was long and destructive but Blanc was able to defeat the BBEG and seal the darkness away using Groundbreaker.

When, centuries later, the war restarted and the MG Realm fell to the BBEG, some of the people fled to Earth which is how three stickers ended up there. The immigrants settled down, started families, and now, fifty years later, they must pass on their knowledge to a new generation of magical girls so that their stickers can be used to end the war once and for all.

A warrior can relinquish their sticker and set it back to a neutral state wherein it is no longer connected to their heart (after being activated for the first time, the stickers are connected to the user no matter how far apart they are as long as that user has magical girl potential).

Blanc never relinquished her sticker, so it never went back to neutral. This is why Adita cannot transform for most of the story. (Blanc is not wholly dead either and death counts as a form of relinquishment)

A part of Blanc's soul is in Groundbreaker, which is how a mallet can choose a holder, so Adita is using Blanc's magic when she fights. This is until some milestone happens and Blanc is finally put to rest (you can stop trying to please everyone now, sweetie) and Groundbreaker changes appearance to coincide with Adita's new alias as Cirque. (The hammer becomes the sticker because the transformation is no longer active but the hammer comes back once Adita transforms because the reason why she was chosen in the first place is because of how similar she and Blanc are.)

And now we can get into who Blanc is!

Blanc:

Blanc was one of the first of the ancient magical girls who were a part of the warrior generation. And she was by far the most powerful. She was the one who sealed away the BBEG with Groundbreaker which is why the goons want it: because they think the only weapon that can free their master is the same one that defeated him.

Blanc's costume takes more inspiration from old French mimes rather than Cirque's colorful Carnival vibe. This ties the two together through a common theme as well as distinguishes them. Blanc is more of the strong, silent type, whereas Cirque is a bit more flashy.

Blanc's signature move was called "Cirque du Blanc." This is the origin of Adita's magical girl alias name. The move involved a mass duplication of Blanc, the copies of which would run about doing acrobatics. But not just for show, the copies would also work to take down the enemy. It symbolizes Blanc's feelings of wishing for assistance but not trusting anyone except herself to do the job.

Adita hears Blanc's voice in her head or hallucinates her ghost occassionally as she guides her down the path she wants for her. We get to play around with the chosen one trope, too! Blanc choses Adita but Adita doesn't want to be chosen, then Adita choses herself but Blanc unchoses her, how will it end? Does being "chosen" really matter? What does that even mean? Find out next time on Dragon-

Plot:

Adita goes over to Emily (her best friend)'s place for a sleepover. Emily's grandmother owns an antique store. The girls sneak into the shop at midnight and Adita finds a black and white strongman mallet. Picking it up, she hears a disembodied laugh and decides that's a problem for someone else to deal with.

The next day the two go to the park and are ambushed by a goon who summons a Demise. People die, property is destroyed, and two women in sparkly dresses kick down the proverbial door to evacuate the civilians and curb stomp the Demise. Adita runs back to the antique shop to grab the mallet because the spooky laugh is making her ears ring.

The sparkly fighters instruct Adita on how to defeat the Demise and she does. They then pull her off to the side to exposition dump just enough for the audience to follow what happened and to spur on the next plot point of collecting teammates with the three remaining transformation stickers. Once alone, Adita rejects the magical girl responsibility and abandons the mallet but when she makes it home it's in her bedroom. This continues all weekend.

Fed up but realizing there's no escape, Adita tells Emily everything and Emily immediately begs to be a teammate. Unfortunately, she does not have magical girl potential, just like the sparkly women who helped them at the park. Still, one willing participant is better than no one even if they're comically weak. But Emily's enthusiasm and Adita's avoidance spark tension between them that will only continue to grow despite their attempts to be healthy communicators.

The next day at school, Adita thinks she finds the perfect candidates for the team so when the next attack comes she bestows two of the stickers upon them. But they were secretly goons in disguise! Adita just lost two stickers!

She demands Emily give back the sticker she lent her for safe keeping and emergencies right after Emily helped her defeat the Demise and calmed her down after her mistake. Adita says he needs a "real teammate." Emily is upset but complies.

The only other person Blanc sensed had potential was Elodie. But they don't exactly have the... best... relationship. Adita begs Elodie to join her when she uses Groundbreaker to bust open a portal to the MG Realm to get the stickers back and Elodie agrees on the basis of "I was in the park that day and if this stops the end of the world I guess I'll come along."

They steal the stickers back and Elodie asks to keep hers when they return to Earth which Adita is more than fine with but when Emily finds out she's super salty. She still hangs out with Dita though.

Megha is the new girl and people really seem to like her. They keep calling her "Megan" which she doesn't appreciate but it's whatever. Adita has been trying to figure out how to tell her that she's one of the few people capable of saving the world but that's a weird way to introduce yourself.

-=+=-

That's all I've got for now. I have some plot points that need to happen as well as a few reveals under my belt but [MGS] is still incomplete. It'd be great if I could make this into a visual novel (an animated series is likely impossible but that would be so cool) someday. Oh well. Back into the box you go, [MGS].

I once again apologize for my long, disordered, possibly crucially unfinished infodump. My need to share the stories that won't leave my brain possesses me and I am but a vessel for its yapping.

[thank-god-and-you]

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

I was tagged by @4getfulimaginator2022. Thank you! <3

How many works do you have on AO3?

I'll use my FFN stats since I'm not transferring everything from there over to AO3. Fic count on FFN is 204, though that's not including the ones I archive privately, so technically the number of fics I've posted is 253.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

Again, going on FFN word count since that's where everything is. That stands at over two million: 2,197,752.

HOWEVER, I also have a further 817,563 words of fics privately archived, so in actuality I've hit the three million mark: 3,015,315! I knew I must be climbing up there, but I had no idea that I'd surpassed it, so that made me happy!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently, it's Downton Abbey (Anna/Bates), EastEnders (Suki/Eve), Game of Thrones (Daenerys/Jorah), Gentleman Jack (Anne/Ann), and The Incredibles (Bob/Helen).

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Sed Me Domum et Aedificabo a Throno [Game of Thrones, Daenerys/Jorah]

Tokens of Deep Affection [Wreck-It Ralph, Felix/Calhoun]

Vivat Crescat Floreat  [Game of Thrones, Daenerys/Jorah]

Magic in Mundanity [The Incredibles, Bob/Helen]

Veritas, Unitas, Caritas [Game of Thrones, Daenerys/Jorah]

And favourites on FFN, since I still use that site:

1. Seeing is Believing [Pokémon, Jessie/James]

2. Swinub May Fly [Pokémon, Jessie/James]

3. The Shadow Proves the Sunshine [Downton Abbey, Anna/Bates]

4. A Comedy of Errors [Pokémon, Jessie/James]

6. A Meeting of Fates [Downton Abbey, Anna/Bates]

5. Do you respond to comments?

On FFN, yes, since it's done via PM. On AO3, no. I really appreciate all comments, but I despise that it counts my response, and I won't inflate my comment count. But of course I read each one.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

One of my suuuuuper old Pokémon fics, Twisted. It's sooooo bad. Young teen Dan was dark and depressed. If I didn't think it was important to leave everything up to show progression, I'd delete it and pretend it never existed.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Nearly all of my fics have happy endings because I mostly write fluffy oneshots, so pretty much take your pick.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I did once have a comment on a Dany/Jorah fic which had nothing to do with the fic and just hated on the ship, which I rolled my eyes hard at. What is the point in seeking out something you don't like? Weirdo behaviour. And, you know, it was from a Dany/Jon stan, so...people in glass houses and all that.

9. Do you write smut?

I do. Not as often as I used to, but when the mood strikes. Most of my smut scenes/fics are archived privately, though.

10. Do you write crossovers?

No. I did extensive planning for one once, but the crossover universe was mostly just there as background. Whether I ever get around to actually writing it remains to be seen, but I wouldn't write another because I have no real interest.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not as far as I know!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Someone once asked wayyyyy back in 2012 if they could translate one of my fics, but I don't know if that ever happened. And I deleted it to archive privately, so probably not, LOL.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have not! I'm not sure if I'd be any good at it, I'd feel the pressure!

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Well, it's been over twelve years since I wrote my first Anna/Bates fic, and I still write a little bit for them most days (just a slow and steady process). I still love all of my old ships, but Anna/Bates has had the longevity to endure almost nine years after the end of the show (I don't count the movies because they're whatever), and they're still so, so special to me. <3

(Although I do spend most of my time these days completely fixated on Suki/Eve because MY GOD, that ship has completely altered my brain chemistry.)

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

It's not a 'doubt I ever will' thing just yet, because I am still very much writing Anna/Bates fic, but I have one in particular that I haven't touched in six years where the final line of the penultimate chapter has lived rent-free in my head for all that time...I've just never committed it to paper yet, and I'm still a couple of chapters away from it.

But I finally finished the bonus chapter of Made of Starlight [Downton Abbey, Anna/Bates] seven years after posting the final chapter on FFN, so there's every chance I'll pick it back up in the near future.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I don't think I'm particularly good at anything, but if I had to pick something...Dialogue, maybe? I always have lots of fun with characters interacting with each other, anyway, regardless of whether it's good or not.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Description. I feel like it's often clunky and not evocative enough.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I used to write it in italicised English. Nowadays, if a character is speaking to another in a language they both understand, I'll still do this, but if it's from the POV of a character who doesn't understand it, I'll write it in the other language but try to do the HTML on AO3 where hovering over it on desktop will give the English translation. For example, this was pivotal for the fourth chapter of Vivat Crescat Floreat, since the whole point of the chapter was supposed to be Tyrion's frustration at not knowing what the hell Daenerys and Jorah were talking about. It would not have worked if the audience could read the Common Tongue right off the bat, but the hovering at least gives the audience the context that Tyrion does not have.

I don't bother on FFN since hardly anyone uses that site anymore, haha.

Of course, the only language that I do know is English, so I have to rely on translate for other languages...which, let's face it, can be horrendously inaccurate.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Pokémon. I don't keep up with the anime much these days, but I'm always there for a new game, haha.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

I don't really do favourites because I'm mostly just meh about what I've written, but I'll always have a soft spot for A Meeting of Fates, purely because it was the first multi-chaptered fic that I ever finished.

Lost in Balms [Downton Abbey, Anna/Bates, privately archived] is one I had a lot of fun with. I started it in April 2017 and completed it July 2023, but during all that time I had such a clear image of how I wanted the climax to go down. I actually wrote the fic in an entirely linear fashion, so thinking of that one scene kept me going for five years until I actually reached it, and it was one of the most satisfying things to write because of how long it had taken for me to get there.

And not a fic mention per se, but the fourth 'chapter' of And Beauty There Echoes the Speck of Our Souls [EastEnders, Suki/Eve] gave me all the feels to think about and write. I wrote it at a time where I was struggling with Suki and Eve's breakup in canon, and it brought me great comfort to focus on. And another Suki/Eve fic that I'm working on right now is giving me the same warm fuzzies because it's something I desperately want at some point in the future. <3

[satancopilotsmytardis]

That fic has actually done something to my brain, just the way you portrayed everything was so beautiful 😭😭 and the whole thing with the strings and fate and how they would always meet each other in different realities was just plucking at my heartstrings in the best way possible, they always find each other no matter what 💕

I also love that you show Dabi being kinda clueless about love/human emotions, not truly able to comprehend what Shigaraki feels sometimes (especially the depression), it just adds so much in my opinion! And it’s always so sweet when he tries to cheer shig up in his own way <333

Anyway all that to say I absolutely loved this fic, it was so so so amazingly written. Its been a while since I read something that impacted me this much emotionally, your writing always blows me away in the best way possible <3

I am so sorry to alter your brain chemistry, but you're in good company, just like the League who will always find each other 🥹

Dabi is absolutely "a little confused but he's got the spirit" when it comes to trying to help Shig and we love that for him!

I'm glad that you enjoyed it and that it was impactful! Thank you so much for commenting!

[serenescribe]

got tagged by @kimium in a music tag game here (thank you, kim!) and i figured i may as well get this post written before the next twst update drops tomorrow and permanently alters my brain chemistry q-q

rules: post 5 songs you actually listen to, and tag 10 of your followers/mutuals (except i def don’t have that many people to tag TT)

i freaking love music with all my heart and soul so uhh— time to tangent! under the cut. this got long. just scroll past if you didn’t follow me for this shit ahfndhgdgf

1. bathroom community by glass beach (pinkshift cover)

i stumbled upon this song earlier this year thanks to spotify (yes, i actually look at what they recommend! i need more songs!) and god. GOD. this song has held me in a choke hold since i first listened to it. i desperately want to create an oc from this song, or a story of some sort; the story it paints with its lyrics just has so much goddamn potential for a character.

i love singing this song, even if i can’t sing very well. it’s just a lot of fun, with how intense it is! plus the lyrics... god, the lyrics. i usually like to gravitate to songs with more vague lyrics, but something about this song really soothes that teenage version of me tucked away somewhere in my soul, still angsting about the world.

i think my favourite line is this one, in the second verse — “he said you’ll never be okay if you don’t come to your senses / with you, everything’s the end of the world.” though “flipping through a spiral notebook for some / sad, hopeless words to turn into a liturgy” slaps hard too.

2. everybody’s falling in love by *repeat repeat

oh, i have a fic idea i long to write with this one. actually, i have an oc story (which is its own thing i won’t talk about) based on this song, but i have a fic idea i want to write too. this song just evokes so much whimsy of people falling in love, a constant spiral of romance! and it brings to mind a soulmate au — except instead of soulmate marks already existing and being common knowledge, they just... suddenly appear. which leads to a spiral of people figuring it out, relationship drama — what if two people who were dating aren’t soulmates? people who were platonic who suddenly get marks for each other? who gets together? who doesn’t? i’unno, i’m like... relationship introspection extraordinaire. might be a silly idea now that i’ve typed it out, but it’d be fun.

ah— for the song itself... yeah, it’s light on the lyrics, but like i said, it’s whimsical! it’s fun! i love the announcement at the start to really set the scene — this is a stage, and people falling in love is the show for everyone’s entertainment. yeah, it’s just— it’s a fun song. i don’t have much else to say.

3. sex sells by lovejoy

oh... (longing sigh) this song.

i listen to it a lot whenever i’m in a depressed funk. it just resonates with me a lot; the lyrics remind me of being second place to someone else, of a relationship slipping, that kind of thing. actually, the fact that i haven’t listened to it as much lately is probably a sign of my improving mental health (HA!)

i conceived a fic au before based off this song before — for a different fandom, not twst. it’s kind of shelved, i might turn it into an oc story instead because i still like the concept. but the inspiration i drew from this song turned into a very complex introspection of a close relationship (think childhood friends to lovers) crumbling and shattering under jealousy, envy, et cetera, et cetera. wrote like, one short ficlet off that? never posted it, but i’m still happy with it.

ah... lyrics. yeah, this one’s obvious; my favourite line is “how’s it feel to be so loved yet so alone?”

4. poplar st. by glass animals

was struggling between a lot of songs (how do you expect me to pick just FIVE?!) but considering how a line from poplar st. is literally my blog title on my main... figured it was a no brainer to include it. i wish i could convey my thoughts and feelings on this song, but this is one of the very rare few songs where, if you asked me to tell you what i like about it, i’d be stumped.

i’m not good with identifying instruments or explaining any of that, but the almost dreamy atmosphere of poplar st. hooks me splendidly. the vocals fit beautifully, to the point where they blend with the music and almost seem hard to pick out. i like how the song seems to tinge with darkness and fragment as it goes on — both lyrically and musically. it just scratches a lot of itches for me. would love to try writing something based off it someday? might just be oc stuff though, given the lyrics.

lyrics... the whole chorus slaps. it’s so lovely. all the lines about flowers, and then “i am a true romantic / free falling love addict” just tops it off beautifully <3

5. schoolin’ by everything everything

ah... hahaha.

not to sound cringe on main but if i had to ascribe a song to myself, it would be this one. my friends know — oh, they know — just how much schoolin’ resonates with me. if i divulged all my thoughts here, this post would turn into a criminally long essay, so i’ll exercise restraint for now.

like, i genuinely think this song permanently altered my brain chemistry. so much of it just resonate with me — the scathing observations, the metaphors slamming society, the absolute raging emotions in the voice of the singer, the resentment brimming just underneath. it’s a song about mistakes, it’s a song about learning from them or not, it’s a song about conformity and education and straying or conforming to it. it’s a song about questioning the world and ripping apart the people who are too scared to do so. it’s a wickedly poetic song once you rip apart and dissect every little bit of the lyrics, and i fucking love it with all my heart and soul.

too many lyrics in this song. and yet i have always known my favourite lines. “so learn me anything good / and teach me something that works.” there’s something about that that clicks with me so deeply. a single, scathing request: let me learn anything useful at all, and teach me something that can work for me.

also shoutout to the entire coda (outro) of the song for being the best 1m 50s of my life.

tagging: @llondonfog @olivebranch311 @pitruli @digdeepergravedigger09 @lakuronekobaka @pixelfun20 @reubeam @0rchidm4ntis (cheating? by also tagging friends who follow my main but not this sideblog? sue me. also i hope y’all are ok w being tagged in this HGFNDHGDF sorry if youre not ;;; just ignore if that’s the case)

[secretly-of-course]

sorry to keep complaining on main but I need to vent about this

I’m just. So Upset. about this whole leak situation.

I’ve tried blocking tags. I’ve tried blocking people. I haven’t opened pinterest or youtube in two days. And it’s still not enough. I still have seen spoilers. Maybe not as many as I would have had I not taken those precautions, but still enough.

And I feel like I’m (and as I’m sure everyone else is) at such a crossroads because like. Now I have to make the decision of watching the leaked episode and not say a word about it or not watching it and risk getting even more spoiled? It’s only been two days how are any of us supposed to last two weeks? Am I just supposed to not go online for two entire weeks? What am I? A cavewoman? As much respect as I have for people who are capable of that I’m too weak-willed for that.

I saw a screenshot of a moment I know would have squealed at in delight had I seen it live, and instead it just made me way to throw up. One thing about me is I hate knowing other people are watching and enjoying something while I am missing out. You know, when Hollow Mind aired I had to work that day, so I set my alarm for 5:30 AM just so I could watch it and react to it before going to work and I was freaking happy to do so.

On the flip-side, when DOAFP season 2 aired I only got through an episode and a half before our internet completely shit the bed. I was so upset that I cried. It took 2 days to fix and when I finally got to see the episodes and got back online to talk about it, it felt like the hype on tumblr had completely died down already and I had missed it. That was 2 days, how is 2 weeks going to effect this fandom?

I was so excited to see this episode, and now my excitement has been completely ruined. I was literally talking to my therapist on Tuesday how I feel I have been so much better mentally recently than I was a year ago, largely in part due to having toh to focus on and the new episode to look forward to. And I know, I know. I knew from the beginning that staking so much of my mental health on one show was a bad idea but frick I couldn’t help it. I haven’t cried yet but man I’m getting close. I already laid face down on the floor a while. Is this a healthy reaction? No. But what else am I supposed to do. I’m trying so hard to remain optimistic, to tell myself that I don’t know the whole story and there will still be surprises, but the truth of the matter is I’m not excited for this episode now and that’s fucking sad.

We should be making theories right now. We should be writing fics and drawing art. We should be rewatching the previous episodes in preparation. And instead we’re fucking dodging leaks left and right.

I wanted so badly to finish my Gus x Matty reunion comic before ftf aired and that’s just been ruined for me. I was even hoping I might have time to do a Hunter x Willow comic too and it just feels pointless now. I am trying so hard to focus on drawing my comic and writing my Steve x Katya fic and I’m just struggling to focus on any of it because I’m too upset. And it sucks because I know if I’m not careful I could easily slip into a creative block again like I was exactly a year ago before toh altered my brain chemistry. I don’t want to go back to being depressed and uninspired like that again.

I don’t know what to do really. I know everyone in the fandom is going through the same thing, I just had to get my thoughts out, even though they are very self-centered. I just don’t know.

[einavblog]

SCENES THAT ALTERED MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY AFTER WATCHING BALLERINA (2023): A KOREAN REVENGE MOVIE

So Ballerina is a korean movie that talks about an ex-bodyguard named Ok-ju who takes revenge for her friend Min-hee, who takes her own life because of a guy.

Since I love action movies where women are the main characters (for ex. Charlie's Angels), I watched this movie. The first time I watched it, I was just surprised how good the story line is and how fierce Ok-ju is (the protagonist in the movie), the very reason why I love everything about the movie, especially its fighting scenes and the cinematography BUT it didn't capture my emotions rather it didn't stay in my mind for a long time, not until I decided to watch it again. And swear, I didn't expect that it will leave me heartbroken at the end. I didn't expect that it will gave me an emotional damage. I DIDN'T EXPECT THAT THIS MOVIE WOULD BE THIS PAINFUL.

So let's talk some scenes in the said movie that altered my brain chemistry. Let's start with this scene.

Choi Pro, the guy in the picture, is a member of an organization that has illegal businesses such as sex trafficking which he enjoys very much. Min-hee—Ok-ju's friend—became one of Choi Pro's victims, the very reason why she takes her own life.

So do you guys believe in karma? Because I do. Also, do you believe that a single "sorry" is enough to pay someone's sin? If not then let's analyze this line of Choi Pro:

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING BAD ENOUGH TO DESERVE TO BE F***ING DIE!"

Funny, isn't it? "I didn't do anything bad enough" then what you call by drugging girls and then taking a video on them while making malicious moves on them and make it as a tool to threatened them, to ruin their life. To make them obey you for something very inappropriate and inhumane.

"To deserve to fucking die" In what way/things a person do for them to be deserving to live or deserving to die?

Choi Pro threatened Min-hee to spread her s** video and ruin her life making Min-hee to get anxious and depress that leads to her, taking her own life.

Did Min-hee deserve to die like that? Clearly, it's not. So how can Choi Pro can easily said that he didn't do anything bad enough to be deserved to be killed when in fact, HE JUST MADE SOMEONE TO TAKE HER OWN LIFE.

Who should be accountable for Min-hee's death? Clearly, it's Choi Pro. Don't get me wrong, I am very aware that it is Min-hee's decision to take her own life BUT we can't still deny that Choi Pro is the main reason on why she did that. Her way of stopping the pain is wrong, but can we blame her for just wanting to be free?

So that's it. Now, let's move on to the next scene.

The two picture is when she before k*ll Choi Pro and the second picture is when she's at the process of killing him.

I love how it shows the swift of emotions in her face. The first picture that shows hurting to anger to revenge. And then the second picture in reverse—to revenge without any regret, the anger she had within her, and her, being hurt at the fact that her friend is already gone, rather the pain of losing someone very important to you.

Ok-ju didn't say any line in that part but I can feel these line at the sequence of the pictures:

"You deserved that."

"How could you do that to her?"

"Why.. why did you take her away from me?"

There it is, again. Now, let's move to the third & last scene which made me sob so hard.

"Didn't I tell you, I'm gonna come back as a fish in my next life"

Okju choosing the sea as the location of making Choi Pro paid for the consequences of his wrongdoings just made more sense. She choose sea so Min-hee can witness everything, to made her heart & mind at ease now. It's like it's saying directly to her that she can now get the justice she deserves, that she can now dance & rest freely.

#BALLERINA #jeonjongseo

[meddoctorfree]

Unveiling DMT: Chemistry, Extraction Techniques, and Multifaceted Applications

The extraction of Dimethyltryptamine (DMT) from plants has garnered significant attention due to its psychoactive properties and potential therapeutic benefits. This article investigates DMT's chemical composition, extraction methods, and its diverse applications in medicine, neuroscience, and spiritual practices.

Introduction: Dimethyltryptamine (DMT), a potent psychoactive compound found in various plants, continues to captivate both scientific researchers and spiritual practitioners. Extraction methods from natural sources offer valuable insights into its chemical properties and potential medicinal uses.

Chemical Composition of DMT: DMT, derived from tryptamine, interacts with serotonin receptors in the brain, leading to intense psychedelic experiences. Its molecular structure facilitates rapid penetration through the blood-brain barrier, contributing to its profound effects on consciousness.

Extraction Methods: Various extraction techniques, such as solvent extraction followed by precipitation, are employed to isolate DMT from plant material. These processes yield crude extracts that can be further refined for research or recreational purposes.

Applications of DMT:

Psychotherapy: DMT shows promise in treating mental health disorders such as depression and addiction by inducing introspective experiences.

Neuroscience Research: Investigating DMT's impact on brain function aids in understanding consciousness and altered states of awareness.

Spiritual Practices: DMT-containing plants have been integral to indigenous ceremonies, providing transformative spiritual encounters.

Conclusion: The extraction of DMT from plants offers avenues for scientific inquiry and therapeutic exploration. Continued research into its effects may lead to advancements in mental health care and deepen our understanding of consciousness.

[seriously-poppins]

I’m having a hard time. I have a remote freelance job, no family, and no friends. I moved to another city during the pandemic and my social skills became rusty (they weren’t good to begin with) and I have nowhere to meet/interact with people. For most of my life, loneliness has been an aspect of my existence. I always wanted this really close group of friends (like in TV shows), mostly because everyone has a support group within their families, but I don't have that. When I was in high school, I had a group of friends, but that imploded soon after we graduated. However, even though I always lacked that sort of group in my adult years, I had casual friends, and classmates, coffee dates with acquaintances, and parties. The drastic change in the pandemic combined with crippling mental illness and lack of social spaces removed all that. I didn't realize it at the beginning, but the isolation kind of altered my brain chemistry, and it totally depressed me. I have a hard time finding purpose, understanding social dynamics, and being interested in things, and I also lost a lot of faith and trust in people. However, last year I finally found something that felt good and that gave me a sense of community: I started playing tennis. HOWEVER, my back got fucked. I have a herniated disc, and I had to stop playing. It’s been a year since that and I tried to go back to tennis, but it started hurting again. I don’t know what to do. Most sports aren’t friendly with this injury, except swimming (which I feel is very isolated) and yoga, which is so not down my alley. I don’t know where to got meet people or get a sense of structure. I feel imprisoned by my own body (both mentally and physically). I have crippling anxiety and a horrible time getting out of my comfort zone. Every day I try to create new systems and to find a way to get more hopeful and find joy in life, but I just feel like I’m always at war with myself.

Anyway, if anyone has any advice, I will be grateful

[queerkittygotnotitty]

I think one of the shittiest times in my life was when my ex dumped me and then kept gaslighting me to believe that the break-up was mutual even though I kept telling them that i don't want to break up. COVID was just beginning during this time and i had just failed an examination that made me take a gap year and i wasn't sure where i was going in life at that point. I can barely look at photos I took during 2020. I lost my nani to COVID in June 2020 which is still unbelievable at times. I still hope that we would go to her place and she'd be sitting there. I had a started talking to a queer person who abruptly ghosted me and i felt like a friend got lost. By this time i was still hoping that my ex would come back and she would just tell me stories of all the people she is talking to and i would feel so so so stupid being hooked to a person who has been dismissive of my feelings throughout our relationship. I remember this one time we were on call and i had finally gathered courage to call them out that our break-up wasn't mutual. I remember shocked they were and how it showed on their face. It just felt like how surprised they were that they were caught gaslighting. I got abuse throughout this relationship for vvv small things and then simply made to shut up by saying that you can't tell me how i should feel but my feelings never mattered. How i was supposed to be act like a top because i looked like a top, to know how to have sex, how to how i was supposed to know everything because i was a year older, how i was supposed to never make a mistake but more so how i was not allowed to explore my gender expression, how any idea of me talking about exploring pronouns was never met with encouragement but rather oh i know better about your life than you and you shouldn't do it. How i felt pressured to stay a certain way. It's was okay that we both didn't know i was neuro divergent but the fact that this person would not acknowledge my efforts to try to be punctual at all and rather be disappointed in me all the time. I remember their disappointed face and how troubling that feels in even my new relationship and my partner has to assure me that they are not keeping a count unlike ex who kept keeping count. After break-up they did vvv shitty break things, like we would take a break from each other. They said we will talk on alternate days. This person held so much power over me in terms that if they were doing an internship and earning money they told me i earn therefore i know and were so so so condescending at times and it kept feeling like hitting a wall. Like Bhai gaand marao apni. Tumse gaandu baandi maine jeewan mein nhi dekhi. The fact they wouldn't tell me anything that they were doing in life and i would only get to know what they were upto in life a few hours before even though they were doing these things for a few days. How was i any different that any person who would get to know about their life through Instagram stories? How was i special?

But yes, life kept getting more shitty and i kept meeting dismissive partners and i went up side down with father falling sick in 2021. While none of us recovered from this trauma, bade papa passed away suddenly due to heart attack in 2023. Like just doesn't feel like it's stopping with it's losses anytime soon. Only good things happening, having plate on food, a shelter, family under one roof, a non dismissive partner, a cat and a good therapist, getting into college, embracing masculinity, new pronouns, new names, new frens. I recently read a part of the body keeps a score and how trauma alters brain chemistry, and how you keep repeating patterns and it's no longer sheer willpower. Having a non dismissive partner has altered my brain, my migraine went away for real along with anti depressants. I am finally functioning and trauma from an asshole who called me crazy(a classic gaslighter response when they are being called out) which has scarred me is finally only 20% remaining. I don't wish anything good for this person honestly. Even when they left me by scarring they kept telling me how i should wish nice things for them because they wish nice things upon me like fuck you. Tum dusro ke jeewan mein haggo aur unko bolo ke mere baare mein aacha socho.

[shitpostingkats]

QUICK TELL ME IN EXTREME DETAIL EVERYTHING YOU LIKE ABOUT EVERY YUGIOH PROTAGONIST

PROTAGS WHOSE SHOWS I HAVE SEEN:

Yugi: SHORT KING. He is very smol and he weighs ninety pounds soaking wet and he will KICK YOUR ASS like the worlds most high school aged chihuahua. Always the friend who offers to dm when everyone talks about starting a dnd campaign. Despite what canon has gone on to say, I choose to believe he maintained his King Of Games title while using his cutesy deck we see in the Yami v. Yugi fight. Doesn't wear heels to events (that was Yami's thing) and always takes time to talk to fans, even if they run up to him on the street.

Jaden: Altered my brain chemistry on a fundamental level. Depressed and queer and a failure, proving you don't have to be innocent to deserve innocence. Does not pay his taxes. The character for anyone who's ever felt monstrous, alien, foreign in their own skin, then breaking down that none of those things make you less human, less deserving of love. Reads comic books and will enthusiastically lend you 300 issues if you even casually mention you've been thinking of doing the same.

Yusei: My son. My boi. I can say so much on him that I haven't even touched on in my numerous essays rambling about this funky little mechanic. If the ygo shows tend to focus on forms of love that aren't romantic, then 5Ds is about familial love. Yusei is passionate and caring and a bleeding heart. The only shonen protag to ever get told by his mom "You're grounded." and say "Okay." and NOT go fight space gods until his mother gives him the go ahead. He's a revolutionary. He knows the trash collector by name. He's a planet. He's a star with gravitational pull strong enough to change the world. He's Just A Guy.

PROTAGS WHOSE SHOWS I HAVE NOT SEEN

Yuma: Bisexual colored hair. Continuing the proud yugioh tradition to be adhd af. I know he sleeps in a hammock so I'm gonna go ahead and call that he's the kid always rocking in place. Leg bouncer. Dyslexic and doesn't know it, just knows that words are easier to read when looking through the blue tinted screen of his weird visor thing. Possibly kills satan? Good for him. Watches telenovellas and gets overly invested in the plotlines. Would probably eat the popsicle stick because he thinks it's part of the experience. He is NOT stupid he is just a dumbass.

Yuya: Tomato head. Looks somehow exactly like three different people I worked with when I did theatre, right down to the googles perched on the forehead with mismatched lenses. I've seen arc-v's opening and idk why but I really like the animation of him slinging his jacket over his shoulder. Really wonderful gender. One of those kids that didn't know about heterosexuality until he was at least ten, then proceeded to be very upset and confused by the concept. The guy leading the rowdy table at waffle house at 10pm that will at some point burst into song and disturb every patron's night but their own.

Yusaku: The kid at the same waffle house just trying to order a coffee. Draws in the margins of his notebook. Skateboards. He does not like to talk about either of these things, but then one day you show him a video with like a million views of some guy inking a giant masterpiece, or doing a backside tailslide off a shipping container and he'll just casually go "Oh hey that's me." Desperately in need of a stim toy and a hug.

Yuga: Had a phase where he was obsessed with firefighters. Also likes to light things on fire. Is shocked everytime when the result of lighting a thing on fire is Thing: *Is On Fire*. I don't think he uses hair gel I think he just scrunches up his eyebrows and concentrates really hard and his hair just Does That. Really wants a dog. Shockingly good at math, favorite number is 25. All of his pencils have bite marks and the erasers are completely chewed off.

Yudias: Looks like a glaceon. It's really heartwarming to see yugioh continually get autistic representation right; a lot of stories don't include the fact that we carry swords and can fire lasers from our eyeballs. Every time I see him I want to hand him a wrapped sandwich, a babybel cheese, and a clementine. Would probably enjoy keeping plants on the windowsill. Every picture I see of him, he is either wondrously excited, or completely baffled, to find himself in the situation he is currently in.

[draganasimpsforjeff]

If anyone is curious

So I figured there should be a time on when I should share my mental illnesses, even though it's none of anyone business, I still want to be open about it especially those with questions.

I will say though don't take what I say about MY conditions to mean the same for others who have it/ they because everyone deals with it different and has different experiences.

This is a bit of a list and I have gotten people in the past who said they don't believe someone can have this many mental conditions, but hey buddy, FUCK YOU.

Anyways,

here's the list:

ADHD( first diagnosed at 7 and then got it double checked at 16

BPD- Borderline Personality Disorder

Bipolar Disorder

ASPD- Antisocial Personality Disorder

GAD- Generalized Anxiety Disorder

My biggest ones that make everyday harder for me is my BPD, Bipolar, and ADHD.

This is information found online explaining each of the disorders, but I will say I hate how a lot of people especially those in psychology rather not deal with someone that has bi polar and borderline personality disorder because it's harder to deal with and each trigger, cycle and all that is difficult to identify or handle. And a lot of people depict us as "awful people"

when it was people like that that made us develop these disorders. Anyways, here's what "professionals" explain each as:

1. ADHD-

A chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness.

ADHD often begins in childhood and can persist into adulthood. It may contribute to low self-esteem, troubled relationships, and difficulty at school or work. Symptoms include limited attention and hyperactivity

SYMPTOMS:

Behavioral: aggression, excitability, fidgeting, hyperactivity, impulsivity, irritability, lack of restraint, or persistent repetition of words or actions

Cognitive: absent-mindedness, difficulty focusing, forgetfulness, problem paying attention, or short attention span

Mood: anger, anxiety, boredom, excitement, or mood swings

2. Borderline Personality Disorder (wasn't diagnosed with it until 16)

A mental disorder characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships.

The cause of borderline personality disorder isn't well understood. Diagnosis is made based on symptoms. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

SYMPTOMS:

Behavioral: antisocial behavior, compulsive behavior, hostility, impulsivity, irritability, risk taking behaviors, self-destructive behavior, self-harm, social isolation, or lack of restraint

Mood: anger, anxiety, general discontent, guilt, loneliness, mood swings, or sadness

Psychological: depression, distorted self-image, grandiosity, or narcissism

3. Bipolar Disorder

A disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs.

The exact cause of bipolar disorder isn’t known, but a combination of genetics, environment, and altered brain structure and chemistry may play a role. Manic episodes may include symptoms such as high energy, reduced need for sleep, and loss of touch with reality. Depressive episodes may include symptoms such as low energy, low motivation, and loss of interest in daily activities. Mood episodes last days to months at a time and may also be associated with suicidal thoughts. Treatment is usually lifelong and often involves a combination of medications and psychotherapy.

Mood: mood swings, sadness, elevated mood, anger, anxiety, apathy, apprehension, euphoria, general discontent, guilt, hopelessness, loss of interest, or loss of interest or pleasure in activities

Behavioral: irritability, risk taking behaviors, disorganized behavior, aggression, agitation, crying, excess desire for sex, hyperactivity, impulsivity, restlessness, or self-harm

Cognitive: unwanted thoughts, delusion, lack of concentration, racing thoughts, slowness in activity, or false belief of superiority

Psychologically: depression, manic episode, agitated depression, or paranoia

4. Antisocial Personality Disorder:

A mental health disorder characterized by disregard for other people.

Those with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) may begin to show symptoms in childhood, but the condition can't be diagnosed until adolescence or adulthood. Those with antisocial personality disorder tend to lie, break laws, act impulsively, and lack regard for their own safety or the safety of others. Symptoms may lessen with age.

SYMPTOMS:

Behavioral: antisocial behavior, deceitfulness, hostility, irresponsibility, manipulativeness, risk taking behaviors, aggression, impulsivity, irritability, or lack of restraint

Mood: anger, boredom, or general discontent

and finally, 5. Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Severe, ongoing anxiety that interferes with daily activities.

Generalized anxiety disorder can occur at any age. The condition has symptoms similar to panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and other types of anxiety.

SYMPTOMS:

Behavioral: hypervigilance, irritability, or restlessness

Cognitive: lack of concentration or unwanted thought

Psychological: severe anxiety or fear

In summary, don't also self diagnose yourself. I will say I blamed myself for everything until I did get diagnosed and then it all clicked. Unfortunately, I am not treated for anything above which makes it worse but feel free to ask questions if you're curious.

I'd love to talk about how it interferes or makes me feel,.etc.