#this should probably live somewhere
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mausebär
Bel Fortuna, from @shinesurge's Kidd Commander.
#kidd commander#bel fortuna#came to the realization that#this should probably live somewhere#beyond a single discord channel
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Thinking about vampires, death, life, and the space they occupy in between
#to be or not to be. that is the question#ty adam for being my model for dramatic vampire moment#musings on the thinkings about:#when to live you are required to hurt others. you must repeatedly ask yourself what the value of your life is#To sleep... perchance to dream...#ah. THERES THE RUB.#ok I actually couldnt come up with too many thoughts. I had a lot more while I was drawing this but I guess I put them in the painting LOL#reading that soliloquy and being like damn this is just like vampires#the reality of course is that the soliloquy is a debate over suicide and ultimately making the choice to live#even if just out of fear of the unknown#and vampires are about dying and then in undeath choosing to continue to live#despite the fear of eternity and loneliness and hurting others#theyre not the same. but like let me thiiink come onnnn I'm allowed to thiiink and have incomplete thoughts#I would have to write like a proper essay about this to organize my thoughts. this is the tags on a tumblr post.#anyways finished episode 79#working on patreon stickers for this month (and next month soon)#and working on book 4. taking a pause from episodes cause I've got 3 weeks of buffer now... UGH#I'm so mad that they changed it. it would have been 5 weeks before but it's fine it's whatever#anyways yeah taking a break from episodes to make my book now!#its good stuff.#and this painting is good stuff#banger after banger from me tbh#this was a little relaxing giving myself a couple hours to muse#it's necessary for my health and I always forget that til I do a painting...#I loved doing the little landscape in the background too I should do that more! I love how plants are just like whatever shape you want#like you can make up any plant you want and not only does that plant PROBABLY exist somewhere#a weirder plant exists somewhere too. so. literally whatever you want#ok bye again for a few days while I get back to work
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sss day my favorite national holiday WOOOOHHHH
bonus
#pokemon#trainer lyra#rival silver#soulsilvershipping#timeskip tag#bao beis#i had so much more planned. but alas. college.#ANYWAY. sss my everything. ohh. always thinking abt them.#this is very obviously lyra's room! all the pink! massive bed to fit all her pokemon! the champion paycheck gets you that much at least#and plants!!! no. 1 horticulturist in johto#she's living somewhere around the base of mt silver... decently close to the league and her hometown#so i like to imagine her with a huge greenhouse so she can take care of plants even in the harsher climate#meanwhile silver has one of those decrepit malelivingspace flats in viridian. he's making it work.#i can only see sss properly moving in together liiiike in their late 20s#after they get to enjoy young adult independence for a while#but before they permanently settle down they should go on silly adventures again... just once. or twice. or#as much as i like to entertain the thought of them being homebodies i think they'd rather spend their lives travelling haha#since silver never got to fully experience it as a kid on the run#being a wanted man and all#and lyra is itching for the getaway#they deserve to be in nature and responsibility-free and *frothing at the mouth*#BTW i put my whole wyvussy into that wall decor#lisia signed poster... rosa's resemblance as mei(!!!) in the totoro one... bell tower + whirl island pics //#pokemon constellations... and those gen 4 mail templates that no one actually used. probably from dawn. champion penpals :]#i debated doing a lance poster because celebrity idol funny but nah she'd bin that immediately after moving out#oh yeah the drawover was um. inspired by the nonebinary neochamp fit. so happy for my son.#i'm glad i managed to finish the big piece in time otherwise i would've just posted that LOL can you imagine#okey bye happy sss day
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wounds
#“jesus joel!”#“you should see the other guy”#“i saw him i was there dumbass now stay still”#my favorite smugglers#being silly#or not whatever you like#tess is probably on the brink of tears#and that might or might not be the scar tess got in drifters dawn#i miss their shitty apartment#but they are happy now that they LIVE in jackson#wild horses playing in the background somewhere#tessjoel#tess tlou#joel tlou#tess servopoulos#joel miller#joel x tess
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I do think it's worthless to try to argue with the "amount of screen time = relative significance" crowd, but I really cannot stress enough how great this episode was for me personally, as an Essek stan.
I was doing the math between the mention of the war in the prelude (instead of a more general, 'since the Mighty Nein largely parted ways') and Trent saying, "Don't you want to know what I have?" and sat in my chair for ten minutes before Trent actually said it like, "Surely this man is not about to threaten Essek. That is way too much wish fulfillment for me personally. There is no way that's what he's about to say." AND THEN.
Fundamentally my opinions of an episode are not predicated on whether my fave was physically in attendance, nor even whether he was relevant, but it does show how reductive the measurement of screen time is as a metric considering Trent didn't even have to mention Essek by name to drag his living soul in kicking and screaming to briefly haunt this narrative.
#meanwhile essek is somewhere living his best life aka taking arcane measurements trying to figure out what the fuck is happening#like he's probably a little anxious but he's doing wizard things so he's thriving#critical role#cr spoilers#essek thelyss#this is partially inspired by the weird grumbling about 'wdym you enjoyed the episode if you're an essek stan you're supposed to hate it'#but especially cuz literally I don't understand how you witness 'dragged in to hang like a sword of damocles over caleb's head'#and go 'okay well he wasn't on screen so clearly you all should be bitter that he wasn't there'#like you don't have to be physically present to be relevant guys. this is narrative 101. that's what haunting the narrative MEANS.#tbf this was a low level narrative haunting cuz it was explicitly stated but like. that's more about time limitations. anyway.
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my rodian girl.. I need to draw her properly. she's only a headshot
#hm i should make an original art tag#wip#my ocs#guagua#this is unrelated to the results of the poll btw i was already drawing her before i made the poll. she doesn't count for it.#i am considering. she is coruscanti and an actress. but should she stay in coruscant or should she live somewhere else#i feel like coruscant is too big for a small actress like her to have a chance to make it further than advertisement and background cameos#but at the same time. she would probably only reach local fame if she was in a smaller world#BUT most of my ocs live away from the core so if she was in another world i could have her know them....#<- the indecisive overthinker
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freenoodles request!! Tang smoochin his husband on the snout and Pigsy getting extremely flustered!! (I love these old gays so much they are my fathers actually) ((real)).
he caught him off guard
Here are your dads, thank you for your request!! Very cute concept to draw out thank you very very much :D !
Small bonus! heeheehoo :3c
#heehee them <3#Threw a small hc into this!!:#Even if they do live together they very rarely get to the restaurant at the same time#Be it because Tang has to go to work somewhere else or because he refuses to wake up at 8 am with pigsy every day to open shop- either work#They've worked out a schedule/times that Tang comes in and Pigsy keeps a close eye on the clock every day waiting for him#He also probably prepares a spare bowl of noodles just for him a few minutes before he should get there#Got to make sure husband is safe!! and well fed!!!!#Also the hc that they both get kind of flustered by sudden unexpected affection from the other especially in public#They are very husbands your honor this is my testimony#lmk pigsy#lmk tang#lego monkie kid#monkie kid#freenoodleshipping#lmk freenoodles#It is 2 am and my brain is refusing to word smart sorry if any of these tags are worded weird auaghh#He was late in the first place because he was brainstorming ways to fluster his husband just for funnsies#snout kiss proved to be very effective!!#Zaacoy art💫
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i think about the whole "love that" exchange a lot.
#i think i already have a post about this somewhere im just. rotating it#they realize they just kinda revealed a bit too much in front of Trent Crimm (Formerly) The Independent#and he does the whole biting wind-up to a question you know is going to be sharp as hell. bringing in that heat#and rebecca just. doesn't even try to get out of it#is she taking a leap of faith? is she just tired of spinning a whole yarn? testing him? giving him a chance?#and his response is just. simple. a real smile--almost conspiratorial and they're both in on the joke--and 'love that.'#sincere and almost warm. love that. bc that's what he actually thinks. not asking what he thinks he should#what he thinks the crowd wants to hear. but just. god her ex husband is a dickhead. absolutely you should try to fuck him over. love that#and rebecca all but beaming at him in response#i wish we'd gotten more of their dynamic tbh. i think that interaction probably helped soothe any anxieties she had about the whole thing#i think the next time we really see them interact is just the girl talk thing#where she's gleefully including him on the gossip and he's SO fucking pleased to get a good grade in girl talk something both normal to w#but like them developing an almost easy banter Fast. please. and like. him letting himself be. himself. in front of other people#not just ted. and rebecca GETS that if anyone gets getting flayed by the lasso effect it's her#so like. IDK MAN I JUST THINK THEY SHOULD BOND#also keeley. DEFINITELY keeley. all three of them. FUCK#trent crimm#rebecca welton#gertspeak#god. him being so pleased about the girl talk comment too. lives in my brain rent free#rebecca or keeley pays him a genuine but offhand compliment and he (and clearly completely unconsciously) just#fully does a pleased little wiggle in his seat. and they're like hmmmm
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is episode 8 the domitian arc ? more on this and EVEN MORE narratives i’ve been ignoring that the show said “actually,,,” about in 5
#hermes staying domitian’s hand… hermes’ face a flash of discomfort when he was torturing tenax… hmm. character growth.#WHAT WAS THAT HERMES. WHAT WAS THAT LOOK. NO GIRL GET BACK HERE I CANNOT ALSO DO THIS NARRATIVE OF YOU NO LONGER ABLE TO PULL HIM BACK FROM#THE BRINK OF HIS CRUELTY WATCHING HIM CHANGE AND SEEKING OUT SOMEONE ELSE IN HIS NEED AND FEAR AND ANGST. NO BABY GIRLLLL#I DON’T WANT TO WRITE A HERMES POINT OF VIEWWWW OF THE SIX YEARS HE SPENT WATCHING DOMITIAN BLOOMMMM INTO HIS POWER AND CORRUPTTTT because.#correct me if i’m wrong but in that very first scene that was a young hermes in the white right he watched domitian give his speech and saw#his father to truly see him the whole time as hermes has seen his brilliance.#NO I ALSO SAW THAT GUARD’S HEAD FOLLOW HERMES oh i hate it here. you know what i also hate? i need domitian to be successful for tenax#but also i do kinda like titus… NOOOOOO NO KILLING TITUS DOMITIAN I JUST SAID I LIKED HIM!!!! DOMITIAN!!!#oh. ohhhh no. OH NOOOO okay listen we can redeem this. we can have the whole turning point of the narrative be domitian’s mercy of hermes#the ultimate staying of his hand. proving he’s not entirely gone that hermes & his love still means something. do i think this will happen#no absolutely not. before he can kill his brother domitian has to kill the only other living person he loves perhaps more than titus if he#could ever realize it. (a brief interlude to yell LET’S GO LESBIANS LET’S GO HI IRIS) domitian… please spare him… OH WAIT HELLO THE BLOOD!!#ALSO a brief interlude to say i knew it was coming but ELIA’S SPEECH ABOUT LOVING INCITATUS??? I WAS ON THIS INCITATUS SHIT WITH THE LITTLE#NOD THEY HAD WHERE SCORPUS CALLED HIM TO BEAT XENON OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!!! elia’s going to crush him. incitatus won’t listen.#scorpus is going to die twice once when they call elia’s name instead of his and then the second time when the scorpion bites him again#(he kills himself and tenax finds him. sorry to give everyone absolutely maximum damage here but uh. that’s how i can see it going down)#or alternatively worse: after killing titus who at times he loves and hates in equal measure (if y’all don’t think I have some UNHINGED#brothers quotes. we’ll keep mum here about why but suffice to say it is. relevant to other fandoms. and thus i have a Collection) the last#thing domitian has to do is kill hermes. and this one is both out of betrayal but also love because I think somewhere in here titus’ queen#berenice plays a role because domitian’s hatred of the jews probably comes to play a role and I think titus would show up and protect her#like Domitian engineers some kind of a situation where in theory titus could escape alive or beat him but he can’t do that & save berenice#and so of course he saved berenice. or she dies in his arms and he goes mad with grief and any way you put it berenice is the trap & titus#happily crawls into the lion’s mouth to save her for love of her etc and domitian sees him die for it. he gives titus every chance to come#back to him to work with him to be what he wants him to be and he always chooses himself he chooses love and domitian can’t understand even#when it makes him weak. and then he sees hermes dirty and emaciated and still terribly terribly beautiful and feels such a pang of longing#and love that he decides he has to die because he (domitian) cannot be weak. he cannot have any of it. also giving domitian worse paranoia#than he already has because if you kill your brother the one person who should always love you—support you—who can build me a new brother—#you’ve gotta generate some MAJOR issues. namely trust issues. and if he kills hermes they’ll be even worse. so like ideally To Me domitian#wouldn’t kill him but i do very much see the symbolism of cutting off his last earthly tie & desire to ascend to the divine imperial throne#those about to die
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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Have you visited latin america, or would you like to? Love your photography so much btw, have a nice day 🙏❤️
Thank you!! I have been and I will definitely go back in the future. I was an exchange student in Puerto Rico for a semester in uni and fell in love (even though my Spanish left much to be desired at the time), then between two trips in 2014 + 2016 I spent a few months in the provinces and countries between Mexico City and Bogotá. Now I like to stare wistfully at the rest of the map and dream...
youtube
#if i had to live long-term somewhere that is not taiwan it'd probably be mexico tbh#spanish has never been my strongest foreign language but it's tolerable now#or at least native speakers with low expectations have been pleasantly surprised they can understand me#my chinese landlord in pattaya asked once if i wanted to come on a 2 week road trip across the whole of south america#but a) that felt extremely rushed b) we'd never met in person and c) covid restrictions were ongoing!#however this does remind me of a very old and neglected dream to motorcycle the pan american highway#i should probably learn to scooter in taiwan first#ask#anon#answer
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Template by @juni38
Im going to be completely frank with you all... and admit that I read these options and wasn't sure how to take this chart,,, so uh. Under the cut is Another Version. I'd apologize but I've given you the option to keep scrolling ¯\_(･･)_/¯
(If you notice characters missing on Kim's side, I probably figured she doesn't know who they are lol)
For the record,,, if they *wanted* me to pull their hair-- *is shot several times before I can continue*
Uhh Matthew is here because I have been converted fully on he/him or enby lesbian Matthew I think. He lives in my brain rent free now, very gender. I'd pull his hair but also I think he mostly just deserves to have it played with nicely.
And Scott's here because 1) I enjoy trans Scott, 2) Kim Pine Brain Rot possibly, 3) idk he's like,, the exception. God damnit, I've fallen for the inexplicable Scott Pilgrim Effect. What the fuck--
I did think about doing this chart like everyone was actually applicable to my tastes, but even if they were I think the ones I didn't put up would have to fall on the caress side bc I just don't feel that way abt them lol.
Again, not to say that's the case for the gals over on that side,,, I just think I would want to be gentle w them shxkdjsdhbd with the exception for Lynette who probably deserves to have her hair pulled, but again I fear she would Hurt Me,,, but maybe in a fun way,,,
Anyway No One Look At Me....
(,, also,,, Ramona is so far over bc I think she would enjoy it,, otherwise she'd be closer to Kim in that section. Same thing w Roxie)
If anyone actually looks at this version, I'm not opposed to doing a version like this for Kim btw! Just ask for it so I feel like I'm not just Dropping This and scurrying away
#sp comic#meme#kim pine#id tag more people but i Do Not Have The Strength....#also i like Living and I think the idea of more people seeing the suggestively taken one makes me want to Die a little#(not to say you cant reblog this or whatever im just being dramatic shdjejsdhdhgdd I am generally a fairly Reserved person)#for the kim chart- i based my other scott placement on the interaction theyve had here! i think if they interacted for real or more often +#+ he'd end up definitively in the Pull Roughly suggestion with most people#ooc#he maybe if i finish edits for everyone i could try this w the au stuff. kit's thoughts might be different here...#hey*#also let me know if i forgot anyone??? i thought abt including the robots but. no hair. and gideon the cat has Fur so. on technicality-#but like barring parents and peter i think i got most people#i guess if lainey was here she'd go somewhere in the middle or right? w/out knowing what she'd be like#FUCK I DIDNT MEAN TO POST THIS. I MEAN IT'S HERE NOW SO IM NOT REMOVING IT BUT I AM S C R E A M I N G I WASNT READY#ah i forgot crash and the boys actually. thats why i wasnt supposed to post this yet#uhhhh Pull Roughly for like all of them. except trasha. trasha gets head pats and a juice box#except for on Kim's chart. on Kim's chart she's in the pull roughly section I can't lie to myself. she hates that kid 😭 also on that note +#+ knives should probably be in the middle section. like she wants to pull it for her having copped her style and being stupid abt scott.#but I didn't put her there bc I feel like even if she wants to she wouldn't ya know? knives is a Precious Angel after all
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man .
#i gotta put this somewhere. i'm complaining about the guys and expressing my disappointment in the tags#this is just my own feelings and discomfort don't have to agree or comment on anything. anyone can have their own thoughts#i should stop looking them up or even bother checking their socials and what they're up to#if not i'd just be rolling my eyes and making myself more annoyed at them lol#i don't feel as bad for not caring since it's probably too much to expect that#white patriotic american middle aged men to not support their hell of a cuntry aka that violent imperial core nightmare#i was kinda fond of them at first but now it just leaves a sour taste in my mouth that i rather just avoid because#bringing this up has no benefit anyway. anything said more will just be regarded as a 'cancel culture' attempt but#they're not bad people. they are good people and that's entirely the point#it's not a unique problem and for as long as that imperial nightmare stays in power anyone who willingly supports it and its actions#show that some lives are worth more than other lives all so that western society will always have more power#and is not something worth worrying about. they're just strangers to me anyway. i don't care about them i don't want to care about them#again this is not me saying they're bad or 'problematic' people. they are good people and that's why it disappoints me#but like i said it's not worth worrying about since they are just an example rather than the core issue#i just wanted to write this down because the bitterness is just there now lol#i've been able to separate the real people/actors and the characters they play so it doesn't affect my enjoyment as much anymore#i'm just. sorry for talking negatively lol i know people use their interests as an escape like i know. i use this show as my escape too#but some things are just hard to ignore when they affect real life so.. eh .#i still like the show and the characters haha i'm just fighting with myself internally i guess idk#like it doesn't really hurt to enjoy them. it's not bad. i'm allowed to disagree with the creators of something i like#my ramblings
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Louie is un-scam-able (he has No money)
#i hate taking pictures of my sketchbook it always looks bad and I dont like it at all#anything for Louis#first time drawing Tony yeah baby#still haven't played Last Window but I've seen a letsplay#i hated Tony at first but I kinda warmed to him solely for being the closest thing to Louie that there is in that game#like plant milk. It's definitely not milk. but it's .. close enough#hotel dusk room 215#last window#tony wolf#louis denonno#a couple nights ago i dreamt that I won a 'week with the Game Grumps' sweepstakes after watching like 3 videos#and I thought 'oh we're probably gonna meet up somewhere and engage in some fun activities'#but they actually just stayed in my house the entire time#i tried to be honest with them and told them I'd only seen like 5 GG videos in total#which seemed to disappoint Dan quite a lot#he was like 'we should have gone somewhere where people liked us...'#and I was like no danny it's not like that it's just not my thing#anyway then i woke up and watched a ton of the 10mph videos which i enjoyed wAy more than the normal videos#and now Dan Avidan lives in my brain rent-free#I just wanted to dream about Louis and Kyle hanging out or something why does this have to happen to me
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Me when I think my dad is cool and admirable
#the previous earl lost the game lol#like i think if ciel's dad came back from the dead instead of ciel prime that ciel would have the same im the earl reaction#i don't have a reading of this narrative at all that he's trying to be his dad or wants sebastian to be his dad bc number one i think...#...vincent only looks like sebastian bc that's yana's art style and number two it also gets on my nerves the really fandom-y brain to...#...assign found family into actual nuclear family roles. when ciel's whole house now is made up of relationships that are really only...#...defined by how much they all love each other. it's the opposite of what his life was like before where he was stuck in like. an older...#...brother does this and marries this and the watchdog does this and rich people are expected to be like this and a family is a nuclear...#...kind of family unit and that's honestly what caused madam red and ciel and ciel prime a lot of their problems pre fire#now instead the people in ciel's house care about their roles as maid and gardener and chef etc only insofar as playing that role is a...#...way to have freedom for them and it's a way to do things for ciel only bc they love him. not that vincent and rachel completely sucked...#...and didn't love their kids but it was the opposite of ciel's situation now and uh i don't think he wants it back or to recreate it#i think he sees his parents and the midfords as sheep just like of the rest of the rich people he complains about#it's a category 10 albert moriarty situation#he was raised in it so he understands just how destructive these expectations are madam red had the exact problems with the expectation...#...she should get married and have kids when i don't think she particularly wanted that to the point she had to convince herself she did...#...even though it felt unnatural to her and i think that's why she was so attached to the idea of vincent but anyway comphet madam red...#...different post i have already made somewhere probably#it's the same deal for ciel i think he thinks the way the rich people govern their lives is stupid and sebastian has both spoiled him and...#...made him feel like he's above all that and honestly that mindset genuinely informs a lot of this arc and the sheep motif#kuroshitsuji#my kuro posts#ciel
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because i can't get rid of the large & heavy book the last samurai, i'm now getting serious about reading through the marginalia with which i annotated two (equally large & heavy) pop linguistics books in college. i don't want these books anymore for several reasons (one of them being that the marginalia are seriously cringe. i was obsessed with the author and kept addressing him in the second person and as if that wasn't enough these notes were actually my way of trying to get the girl i was in love with to fall in love with me so there was a lot going on and none of it i really think needs to be preserved for posterity) but i've never been able to get rid of them without first going through and removing any personally identifying information (i don't want these seriously cringe marginalia traced back to me). and good thing too because one of the books had my full legal name written twice in the endnotes?? anyway it's fascinating to see how many things i underlined with question marks because i'd never heard of it and now i'm like girl you don't know who dorothy parker is? get well soon. but also interesting how many things i once knew that i have now forgotten (i was alarmed to see the marginal note "Turn Me on Dead Man DEATHBALL level 10", having forgotten about hearing "turn me on mr. dead man" if you play revolution no. 9 backwards or whatever. still have no idea what this note means though lol). BUT the main takeaway is that i am always thinking, man, what *was* i into in college? i don't even remember. did i have blorbos? the answer is yes, my blorbo was a real-life famous linguist with whom i was carrying on a one-sided parasocial relationship in my mind and in the marginal notes i was making in his bestsellers to impress a fellow teen girl. plus ça change.
#i wanted to fuck that old man so bad and it is embarrassing now to read about it lol#plus also as i aged and learned more about the world generally i came to have a level of contempt for his body of work#which is probably mostly undeserved honestly but i think it was partly in reaction to how vehemently i had stanned him before#i just tore out the two pages with my name on them. sorry if anyone wants to read those endnotes but i couldn't take any chances#erasing was not enough#now i have to figure out where to put these books. probably in a little free library somewhere but should it be the same one for both?#and should it be far away from where i live and/or in the dead of night for extra security#my posts
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