#this shit is actually fucking awful. truly and completely i am at the worst place mentally right now than i have been

[lunarsapphism]

i hate ocd <3 bane of my fucking existence for real

[yata776]

Mauvier is another serviceable late-game pre-promote who is strong enough at base to be useful for any team. The thing here is that Engage has ridiculously low deployment slots, so the chances you have a large team with a lot of investment put into it is very low, and Mauvier is (at base) stronger than all the other characters! And from this map onwards you get more deployment slots, there is little reason not to use him because statistically your other guys won’t be up to par. He just works and won’t be a burden for the huge majority of players. Emphasis on the word Just. He is Good but not amazing.

Character wise. Replacement husband came in! He initially was my choice to marry before Vander stole my heart due to design alone, but now that Vander is dead, he is back on the table. Hmmm, I think his character in the main story is moronic to a point where he is off-putting but at least he was interesting enough in the few supports I’ve seen to still like him. Religion talk? In MY zero-world building Engage??? Consider me intrigued.

The main problem with Mauvier is that his status as a reluctant villain is mostly centered in his relationship with Veyle (and the other Hounds) and yeah LOL there is nothing there. This character does not look good any way you look at him. Does he actually care about Veyle? Then why did he wait until the last possible second to get her out of her terrible situation? He is awful. Is he bound by his religion? Not really, he changes his tune for Veyle’s sake and joins his equivalent of Satan to save her. This is just not a Well Thought out character at all. But he gets a pass for being cute.

Final unit of the game! Veyle works for the same reasons Mauvier does but unlike Mauvier she would actually hold a candle without the deployment slot problem. She is solid and would be a good asset for my team if… she didn’t immediately die in my playthrough. Oops!

I could talk for hours why Veyle just fucking sucks but I am feeling sleepy enough to just talk about it for a few paragraphs. She is probably one of the worst characters in the entire series. So much time is wasted on her and her terrible story about reuniting with her family and none of it works. Veyle falls into every shitty JRPG trope I hate without fail.  Acts like a 3-year-old when she is supposed to be much more mature? Check. Mind manipulation for drite drama? Check! Incest and pedo undertones? Also check!

Veyle just does NOT work. So much of her character dangles into her relationships with other people and none of it is explored. She is supposed to care about us because we are her long-lost sibling. Do we get glimpses into this relationship? Nope. And in the present she likes us because we talked her once. She is bound to the bad guys because of her evil father. Do we get to see their abusive relationship? Not even a scene with them before she rebels. Alright. The Four Hounds are OBVIOUSLY terrible. Why is Veyle hanging out with them? We do get a few scenes with Veyle and the Hounds and the manipulation tactics on display are what you would expect from a Nickelodeon show. Engage. DECIDE your tone. Are you a parody game? Are you a game for 7 year olds? Are you trying to be a super duper serious story about abusive parent-child relationships? What are you trying to be???

Veyle honestly encapsules everything that is terrible about the story of Engage. I refuse to think her story was written with any sincerity because there is nothing of substance here. She even looks completely out of place design wise. I know Engage gets a lot of shit for it’s designs but while they are very hit or miss for me the only one I truly hate is hers. She doesn’t look in-line with the rest of the fashion of the game. She does NOT look like our sibling in any way whatsoever. She feels out of place enough to personally consider her a bad DeviantArt OC. And I do not say this lightly.

Sorry, as you can tell I really hate this character, she really sours my experience every time she appears.

[sockori]

shmupdate 🧦

very long, hastily written, but a look is appreciated

greetings- to those who are somehow still lingering around this account or came up upon it during my desolate time off. it is sock. or sockori.... or raven... my name is actually raven (they/it, 20 yo disabled autistic goth nerd whatever the fuck). howdy

im still on the 'undetermined hiatus' so to speak that i described in my leaving post, but i will say right now that i have no near future plans on returning. in the tags on my newest art, i mentioned my naruto hyperfixation (of like. 6 years i think) finally died out and other interests have long since captured my autism full force. for me personally, when i lose a special interest like this so drastically, i just full on abandon it for as long as it stands. however, this isn't the only thing that made me leave, and i think its time for me to be completely honest & get some weight off my chest.

i made this account around the cusp of turning 14, during a god awful pubescent era where i acted as any other edgy teen does and i'd much rather like to forget these days. what im saying is i was not in the right mindset at all when i exposed myself that much & got the attention that i did. a dismayingly giant coping mechanism i had in my youth was being online 24/7 because i had no one in reality to lean on let alone feel comfortable talking to about anything that was happening at that time. this of course leads to what the kids call these days being 'chronically online'- desperate for some sort of assurance or interaction, i crawled into internet spaces i shouldn't have been for an also incredibly unsupervised child using the dangerous worldwide web.

yes, naruto was apart of this, as well as other interests i had at the time. throughout my journey i met unsavory people, suffered abhorrent things like stalking & gr---ming, saw things i didn't deserve to see, did a bunch of stupid shit an angsty teen does, i believe you understand the rest. i am in no way proud or gleeful about any of these years and have some very sour memories tied to fandom as a whole, not just naruto, and i really don't like reflecting on them. so, unfortunately, this account sorta became a bitter reminder of what i went through as i grew up & finally matured and sought to recover. that's the first part of why my activity fizzled away & i began backing off from internet use entirely.

the second part is sasori. yes, the puppet man. sorta the sole reason i made sockori in the first place. as the sasori enjoyers following / who followed know, this puppeteer has an incredibly unhealthy philosophy and worldview (if the carefully preserved corpses turned puppets and complete lack of humanity didn't give that away), and is safe to say entirely detached from his reality to a nhilistic and suicidal extent. when you autistically fixate on a character like how i did, sometimes this character's rhetoric can seep into your own without you even realizing; Especially when you're a spot where you are incredibly vulnerable and psychologically unstable, as i was in my youth. now i didn't go around believing you should uhhh murder people and preserve them Obviously- actually i began to believe that perhaps there was some peace in obtaining a robotic existence. maybe emotions were useless, perhaps nothing truly mattered, my life didn't matter, art in eternal in the sense that death is scary and i should avoid it at all costs, why make connections with people when they just die or leave, cant trust people at all to help me, xyz. anything in these lines. without going too uncomfortably deep for everyone's sake and mine, it fucked me up severely. i suppose in a way it relates to how he uses poison. his toxins got right into my nervous system, but the pain i felt from those toxins was the only thing i could really rely on at the time, so i just let it happen. such is the depressing case of coping in the worst spot of your life.

cant help but feel incredibly strange telling the tale, as it sounds so obscure doesn't it, but media can truly get inside your psyche like this if a consumer isn't careful. not sure if anyone else out there fell into a similar headspace dealing with interests in this nature- but regardless. what i mean to say is, sasori is now a kind of content i cant consume anymore. i am in a way better place now, have grown wise and balanced with careful recovery and patience, and of course have grown out of whatever teenage nonsense i was on. sasori, who was once the only thing my autistic traumatized ass could lean on, is now an extremely dark shadow on my life. yes i see this homicidal anime puppet dude from a fantasy ninja anime and get psychological distress. he's somewhat of an aggressor or abuser to me now, which is tragic. ive been actively avoiding everything even vaguely relating to him, be it the art of puppetry, anime clips, robotic/sci-fi genre, whatnot cause i just. man. i dont wanna go back there. shouldn't have to explain why at this point. ptsd at its finest

feel like ive been honest enough. sasori enjoyers out there who were just around to enjoy what i made, anyone i happened to be good friends with during my time on this account, this doesn't have anything to do with you guys. i appreciate everyone dearly for supporting me and cheering me on in whatever i made despite all the hell & anguish that was taking place beyond the keyboard. im just glad that i managed to find some way out and get the help i need before i gave up & took my own life, which depressingly i almost did a handful of times. carrying the horrors is an exhausting burden to bare sometimes, but that does not mean i can't look back on the good parts of the era too. and seeing you all happy and sharing my memes or whatever made me ecstatic and at least a little bit hopeful for the future. fortunately that little spark of hope grew into something more. thanks for being a light in a very, very dark room.

that being said, i leave you all with this: i am not dead, just greatly changed, a new person at last freed from apathy & exhaustion, with now enough room to finally grow. the memories will never truly fade & my disabilities will be a part of me until i pass on, but at least now i can manage them a lot better than ever before, surrounded by way better people who love me for who i am. i will hang on the best i can. i wish for you to do the same. find freedom and happiness wherever you are. take care. happy trails

trans rights. i eat fascist souls. free palestine

[styxisms]

☠ What does someone have to do for an instant unfollow from you?

♥ What's the WORST thing that has happened to you rp wise?

❀ What has made you completely lose your chill?

✿ What do you think about public call out posts?

♒ Thoughts on the fandom you're currently rping in?

the salty af munday meme / @deathsmaidens

☠ What does someone have to do for an instant unfollow from you?

Aside from the obvious stuff like being toxic or bigoted, it's usually them just hating on something I like lol.

♥ What's the WORST thing that has happened to you rp wise?

Hm. I have had my fair share of awful things. MOST of them happened before I ever came to tumblr. I think the worst was me being bullied as a teenager in the fb rp scene into having such a bad panic attack that I actually fainted lmao. I was in an rp group and they expected me to be available 24/7. They would harass me when I was doing school work or doing anything irl. And I had worked really hard to get into this group and was super socially isolated irl due to being home schooled so it was my first real intro to interacting with other teenagers in a big social media setting like that. they went from saying i was lying about my mental health issues to telling me i needed to be put in a home lmao. it was WILD. in the same community i had a dude pretend to kill himself because he was trying to get with a bunch of girls and these people treated shipping like dating irl. it was legit so yikes. this dude pretended one account was his brother and kept this lie that he ended his own life because these online girls rejected him for a good 6 months. Anyway, once i discovered tumblr i got tf away from that shit for good lol

❀ What has made you completely lose your chill?

I am very very difficult to make lose my chill. The biggest thing is when someone is treating my friends poorly. I have had to see a lot of my closest friends and rp partners get gaslit and manipulated by toxic rp partners and really have to hold myself back from going apeshit on them. I had one specific person that I legit had to BLOCK because i knew I was going to explode on them. and that was sorta recent.

✿ What do you think about public call out posts?

I know why they are needed sometimes. The person that hurt me the worst had one, and i trusted him when he told me it was all bullshit. Big fucking mistake. Granted the callout didn't touch on the specific stuff he apparently does to everyone and focused on other things that were easy for him to lie about. and then after our falling out, he tried to make a callout about me until i posted the screencaps (he edited the ones he posted) and everyone knew he was full of shit. So on one hand, they are important for some things. On another, they are easy to not help for a skilled manipulator. And at the worst point, they can be used to harass someone with half truths and edited screenshots. HOWEVER, I think if someone is truly harmful then it makes sense. I really wish I had the courage to REALLY warn people about some of the toxic people I knew. But I also know that those people are the people that could manipulate their way out of it. So I think they were good for like... pedo shit and all of that. someone being an awful person with receipts. But a lot of it is interpersonal drama. And even if the person IS abusive, they will probably convince their victims that YOU were the bad one. Still, I do think that warning people about abusive people is an okay thing to do. I think that there is a place for it, but more often than not they tend to be petty. There are a few I have seen that have been HUGE AND AWFUL and some of those even didn't seem to stop the person. So who knows. I see the value but they can also be very harmful. I typically keep anything that isn't actually like illegal (or borderline illegal) and racist/lgbt+phobic/ect private and reach out to people one on one solely because... IDK.

♒ Thoughts on the fandom you're currently rping in?

I am mostly in xiv and persona right now. xiv is my longest single community on here. I have been around in this rpc since november 2019 so i have seen a lot of ups and downs. mostly ups. but DEF some downs too. As for Persona, it's a lovely little space aside from some cliques.

[onecanonlife]

In which Tommy has a nightmare, and enderwalk!Ranboo is of the opinion that grass blocks make everything better.

(word count: 1,413)

----------

Tommy jolts out of a nightmare that he doesn’t want to remember, and a few seconds later, finds himself hyperventilating outside on the grass.

It’s not on, is what it is. He hardly asked for this, for these awful dreams and this inability to sleep for more than a few hours at a time at best, for this creeping certainty that Dream is breaking out, is going to come for him, and that it’s only a matter of time before something awful happens. He didn’t ask for any of this, but he has it, and he’s not moving out of his house, because that would feel like a concession, but on nights like these he wakes up and the dirt walls press in around him and he can’t breathe, and it is completely and utterly the worst.

So. Outside. Grass. Hyperventilating.

Calming himself down is old hat, by now. He figured out how to do it a long time ago, around the time when he realized that there wasn’t going to be anyone holding his hand anymore, that he was well and truly on his own, without a friend in the world. Other than—but no, he doesn’t go there. He knows better, now, even though his brain still tries to play tricks on him sometimes, tries to convince him that Dream is the only one who actually has his best interests at heart.

The point is, he knows how to do this. He’s used to it. And frankly, he’s glad that he is, glad that he can do this on his own, because he doesn’t want anyone else around him when he’s like this. Doesn’t want anyone else to see, doesn’t want anyone else to know that this happens, doesn’t want anyone else to be able to point at him and go, look, the great TommyInnit brought low.

So when he regulates his breaths and swipes the tears from his face and unclenches his fingers knuckle by knuckle, he looks up and most definitely does not expect anyone to be crouched in front of him. When he sees that there is, he scrabbles backward and lets out an incredibly manly scream, and he doesn’t think he can be blamed for it, because what the fuck?

“Holy shit,” he wheezes, “holy shit, you can’t just—” And has to stop, because it’s not just any weird crouching person. It’s his fucking—what’s the word for when a very irritating and terrible person marries your best friend? What’s the title for that? Annoyance-in-law?

In any case, it’s Ranboo.

“What,” he says, “the shit are you doing?”

Ranboo makes a sound that is not words at all. In fact, it sounds very similar to an enderman vwoop, which, alright, the guy’s half enderman, that checks out. Except, his eyes are also purple, and he looks rather taller than he normally does, even crouching down, so something is weird here. Something is very, very weird.

“Fuck off,” he says. “Go and, go and raise your shitty child or something. Sing ‘im a lullaby. Go on.”

He makes shooing noises with his hands, like one might do to a dog, or a persistent crow. Ranboo tilts his head very slowly, like a complete fucking weirdo, and then rises in one fluid motion, and goes walking off somewhere. Tommy stares after him, because he hadn’t really expected that to work. But alright, he’ll take it.

“That’s right,” he mutters. “Just fucking, fucking leave, go on.” He stares down at the grass, running a shaking hand through his hair. He is, maybe, not quite as recovered as he’d like. He’s usually not, after the initial panic, usually can’t make himself relax until the sun has crested the horizon and the sky has begun to lighten. He’s ruined for sleep tonight, that’s for sure.

But it’s alright. It’s alright, he’s used to it. He can do it. He can do this. He’s a big fucking man, and he can survive on a few hours of sleep a night, and he can avoid looking at himself in the mirror and remembering another face, eyebags just as dark, hair just as wild, eyes only slightly more desperate. He doesn’t have to remember things. Not if he doesn’t want to. He’s great at not remembering things, him.

Footsteps. He jerks, looks up again, and Ranboo is standing over him, and why is he so fucking tall?

Ranboo makes another vwooping sound. And then a little trill, almost like a bird, if a bird gargled gravel and then turned into an eldritch monstrosity. He crouches again, and then holds out his hands, and there is something in them, something that he is offering him, and—

Tommy squints. It’s a grass block.

“What am I supposed to do with that?” he asks.

Ranboo vwoops.

“Could you just stop being so fucking weird?” he demands. “For five minutes? I don’t think that’s too much to ask, really. God, you’re just. The worst.”

Ranboo shifts a bit closer, still holding out the grass block. Like he wants him to take it.

“I’m not taking your stupid block,” Tommy says, and accepts it.

Ranboo vwoops.

“Why would you even—” he says, burrowing his fingers into the dirt. A bit of it crumbles to the ground. He doesn’t understand how endermen manage to do this, keep these blocks in perfect shape, grass and all. “Why would you even give me this? What are you trying to pull on me, eh? It won’t work. You can’t pull the wool over my eyes, pal. You’re up to something. Why are your eyes all purple?”

Ranboo vwoops.

And then—Tommy remembers something. Something he wasn’t particularly trying to remember, and usually, that’s not such a great thing, but it’s not so bad this time. Because this memory is from just a couple of weeks ago, in Snowchester, one of those times that he was trying to hang out with Tubbo, but Ranboo was just there and wouldn’t leave, and Tubbo wouldn’t make him leave, so Tommy spent the entire time being vaguely pissed off. And he was trying not to pay attention to Ranboo, really, he was, except he remembers him saying something about how he gets anxious, and how holding blocks of things and putting them down places helps him. At the time, he made a point of not acknowledging him, because Tommy’s not an idiot. He knew what he was trying to do, and he didn’t appreciate it.

But—

He stares at the block in his hands. And then back at Ranboo.

He wants to be angry, at the idea, at the presumption, because who the fuck does Ranboo think he is, trying to patronize him like this? But Ranboo keeps up his soft warbles, and he finds his eyes filling with tears instead.

“Are you,” he says, and his voice is not choked, it’s not, “are you trying to help me?”

Ranboo vwoops. Chirps. And then reaches out, slowly enough that Tommy doesn’t feel the urge to flinch, and runs gentle clawed fingers through his hair.

“Oh,” Tommy says. And doesn’t lean into the touch. He doesn’t. But if, hypothetically, he does, that’s between him and Prime on high. Or at least, it would be, if all his muscles didn’t go lax a few seconds later, and if he didn’t accidentally on purpose tip forward against Ranboo’s chest.

The dirt slips through his fingers. But that’s alright, because one of Ranboo’s arms wraps around him, and the other keeps carding through his hair, like Wilbur used to do when they were younger and things were better and they were two halves of a whole rather than puzzle pieces that got bent out of shape. The way his head is, he can feel vibrations running though Ranboo’s chest, like the purr of a cat, and it’s going to lull him to sleep if he’s not careful.

He can’t let that happen. He has more dignity than that.

Except he’s very tired. And Ranboo is clearly—sleepwalking, or something. Not all there in the head at the moment. So maybe he won’t remember this in the morning, if Tommy makes sure to wake up first. And that would be alright.

“You’re still terrible,” he mumbles, but the words are slurred, and Ranboo’s arms are very warm and comforting, and he’s drifting. He can feel it.

So he lets himself. Ranboo’s warbles follow him into sleep, and he dreams of stars.

[ageofthepeacefularmy]

title | Pinky Swear pairing | Sam Kiszka x fem! reader word count | 1.3 k words. warnings | Swearing, ANGST!!!, Fighting, Alcohol,  summary | Bad week, stressed out, a bad fight with your boyfriend Sam.. author’s note | 18+! MDNI!! Hey, Sammy girls... Y’all are gonna hate me. Bring your tissues for this one folks! join my taglist!! 

“Jesus Christ” You sigh, walking in the front door of your apartment and shutting it behind you. 

 It truly had been the worst week of your life, mentally and physically, you were truly done with everything. All you wanted to do was sit on your couch and watch literally anything. You quickly walked into your bedroom and changed into the most comfortable sweatpants you owned and pull a sweatshirt Sam got for you. Now that you successfully looked like a bum, you walked from the bedroom to the kitchen. 

 “Wine? No. Tequila? Maybe.” You think to yourself as you looked at the bar cart. You pour yourself a nice cute tequila and orange juice, with a slice of lime. Which Sam and you always kept in the fridge, in case of emergencies, and this was one of those emergencies. 

 Sitting on the couch, you realize, it is only you, your drink, and your thoughts cutting through the silence. Sam had been away more than usual, they had been recording and rehearsing for the upcoming tour. You completely understood, it came with the territory of dating and international rock star, but it didn’t make it any more lonely. 

 Pulling a blanket over you, you decided to feel a bit closer to Sam, even though he wasn’t there. You decided to pull up and watch their Red Rocks performance, it was comforting to you, you got to see Sam doing what he loved, and looking good while he did it. Even though it was your comfort show, Sam didn’t really like watching it, so you could only watch it when he wasn’t around. As the intro for the Cold Wind started, you couldn’t help but laugh at yourself, after the longest and shittest week ever, you were watching your boyfriend on a screen, instead of in person. 

 Just then, a sound pulled you away from your self-pity. The door opened and in walked your boyfriend, all be it, a very angry one. 

 “Turn that shit off,” He said looking at the T.V.

 “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were coming home, how was your day?” You ask turning off the T.V. taking another sip of your drink. 

 “Actually my day was horrible, it’s always what Jake wants, Jake wants this riff, Jake doesn’t like how that sounds, I have a fucking opinion too.” He said sitting on the couch next to you, this happens pretty often, Sam comes home mad and you calm him down, it gets stressful, especially when you are in a band with the people you love. 

 “I know Sam, I’m sorry your day was bad.” You rubbed his head. 

 “Do you? Do you really know? No, you don’t.” He shot up. 

 “I’m sorry, I was just trying to make you feel better” You replied in awe

 “Better? What would make me feel better is you make me a fucking drink,”

 This, this caught you by surprise, and it made your blood boil. 

 “Excuse me?”  You reply, just wanting him to say it one more time.

 “I need a drink.” He said pointing to yours on the coffee table.

 “Is this a joke?” You reply

 “Well you made yourself one.” He scoffed

 “Make yourself a fucking drink. And I am so fucking sorry Sam. I am so sorry that I don’t know what you’re going through. I’m sorry I’m not on a band.” You yell back at him standing from your place on the couch. 

 “What the fuck? You don’t. You don’t know how it feels to have your opinions shot down.” He yelled back.

 “You are absolutely right Sam, I don’t know, but you could explain it to me, wait no actually you should just fly off the handle as soon as you walk into our house, that’s a better idea.” You reply with all the sarcasm in your body.

 “I do not appreciate your sarcasm, I don’t need it right now,” Sam said walking to the kitchen. 

 “I don’t appreciate you walking in here and being a complete asshole to me when I have done absolutely nothing to you, Hell I haven’t even seen you Sam, which I know you are working really hard on the next album and the tour coming up, but I fucking miss you, I have had one of the worst weeks of my life and did you ask? No, you just went into “woe is me” mode, Sam. I’m fucking tired of it, usually, I take it, not tonight.” You finish, Sam’s jaw on the floor. 

 “Jesus (Y/N). If you don’t like it, leave.” Sam spat, his words hurting more than any punch he could have thrown.

 “If that’s what you want.” You reply calmly. 

 Nothing, there was silence, just two people looking at each other, and you could cut the tension with a knife. 

 As the tears sprung into your eyes, Sam opened his mouth to say something.

 “Please don’t.” You cry. 

 “Please..” He said, just above a whisper, so softly you barely heard it. 

 “I’m leaving.” You say wiping the tears away and walking towards the front door. 

 “Come on, don’t..” You didn’t hear the rest, you slammed the front door in his face. 

 What just happened? Was that it? It couldn’t be. You thought to yourself. 

 The Nashville air was cold, which made your car basically an icebox. It was so cold as you were driving you still saw your breath, and in your haste to leave, you forgot a coat, leaving you in your sweatshirt, sweatpants, and Birkenstocks. 

 So many questions ran through your head, but you couldn’t be bothered to turn around and answer any of them. You got in your car and drove off. To where? You didn’t even know, but Sam wanted you to leave, that’s what he said. Did he mean it?

 As you are driving, you start to hear a subtle buzz, it is your phone, you honestly forgot you had it. Looking down, you see Sam, a cute photo you took at a record store you two frequented, he looked so focused, it brought a smile to your face. Your heart told you to answer, but you didn’t listen, you let it go to voicemail. 

 You didn’t have a destination, but after three hours, and twenty-five missed calls, you looked at the time, realizing it was almost one in the morning. You decide that enough was enough, it was a stupid fight, and above all, you missed Sam. 

 Arriving home, you walked in and shut the door as quietly as you could. Before you even turned around, you felt two arms wrap around you, so tight, he probably cut off some circulation. 

 “Hi, Sam” You hug back. 

 “Don’t ever do that again, please never leave me.” He looked at you with a tear-stained face, more tears waiting to fall. 

 “I won’t Sammy, I love you too much. I will always come back to you.” You grab his face. 

 “I’m sorry, I was an absolute asshole, I can’t believe I treated you like that. I am so sorry.” He shakes his head and falls to his knees before you. 

 “Sam, we all have bad days, you just can’t take them out on other people. It’s okay, it’s over now.” You say getting on your knees, meeting him at his level. 

 “I love you.” He says. 

 “I love you too, now let’s go to bed, it’s been a long day.” You smile.

 Picking yourselves off the ground, and walking to your bedroom, you two snuggle into each other on your respective sides, he turns out the light and you burrow yourself into his chest, inhaling the scent. 

 “Please never leave me.” He whispered.

 “As long as you promise to never leave me.” You answer looking up at him.

 “I promise.” He smiled.

 “Pinky swear.” You offer a pinky.

 “Pinky swear.” He attaches his pinky to yours. 

taglist: @groggyvanfleet

[arvinsescape]

Late.

A/N: As always i hope you enjoy. First time writing genuine arsehole Tom. You can now read a follow up if you want here.

Summary: Tom’s late for dinner, reader has had enough. Tom makes a mistake but it all works out in the end.

W/C: 2.2K

Warnings: Swearing.

“Tom Holland spotted with new girlfriend after breakup with ex.”

“Tom Holland on night out with new girlfriend.”

“Is Tom Holland finally over his ex?”

You saw the headlines and wanted to throw your phone at a wall. You and Tom had dated for two years and broken it off a couple of months ago, it was sad and it was messy a row where you both said things you shouldn’t have.

“Seriously Tom?” You shouted as you threw your hands up, voice hoarse from all the shouting.

“I was late, yes. I get it you were left hanging but I was busy and didn’t finish on time. You need to get some perspective.” He shouted.

“I’m not even upset about that, a quick text would have been nice. But no, you left me sat there like a complete fucking idiot.” You fired back and he rolled his eyes.

“I have had a stressful enough day as it is. I don’t need you adding to it. You’re behaving like a bratty child and you knew what you were getting yourself into.”

“Seriously? That’s you’re defence? I knew what I was getting into, so what, I’m just supposed to accept it?” You asked in disbelief.

“Yeah, you know you could really use getting some more friends. You can’t just rely on me all the time.” He snapped and your heart dropped. You had friends, but not many, you’d been bullied a lot through high school and therefore kept a small circle of people you trusted and he knew that.

“They were busy.” You fired back.

“Were they? Or are they just sick of listening to you go on?” He shouted and that stung, it was a huge insecurity of yours, you always feared people didn’t truly like you.

“You know what Tom? You are so far stuck up your own arse that it’s embarrassing. I’m glad you and your foul fucking mood didn’t make it tonight.” You shouted, you were close to tears but you didn’t want to cry in front of him, not right now.

“Yeah well at least I fucking do something with my life.” He shouted back and you couldn’t stop the tears at that. You’d recently turned down a promotion to move to New York so that you could see him as often as you still did, it felt like he was throwing it back in your face.

“You are a vain, arrogant, selfish, stuck up arsehole.” You said back as your voice cracked, his eyes instantly snapped to yours as he heard your voice crack. His anger washed away completely as he realised exactly what it was he’d just said to you. He took a careful step towards you as he spoke.

“Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.” You cried when you heard the softness in his voice. A stark contrast from seconds ago.

“Don’t ‘baby’ me you arsehole. I’m going to stay at Lizzie’s.” You said as you picked up your bag, going into the bedroom and stuffing whatever clothes touched your hands into it, he was hot on your trail.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. It was out of line, I’m sorry.” He kept trying. When you were done you turned to look at him.

“Those were possibly some of the worst things you could have said to me. Thank you for playing on the insecurities that I told you about in confidence. I greatly fucking appreciate it.” You snapped, your tears were unstoppable and he felt awful.

“Y/N please. Just calm down and we’ll talk about it yeah?” He was crying now and you turned to make your way towards the front door. You turned to look at him one last time before you spoke.

“Until you’ve sorted your attitude out, I don’t wanna see you.” You said as you slammed the door shut and left for Lizzie’s.

He had tried to call you, many times after that. He showed up at Lizzie’s a week later but she wouldn’t let him in. You cried for weeks and just as you thought you were getting better, that you weren’t missing him the same, you saw that he had a new girlfriend. You’d noticed he’d tried to ring you a couple of times this morning but you’d ignored it. Your twitter mentions had gone through the roof for the first time since you’d split and you couldn’t help but look at them.

Dam that girl looks like Y/N but less attractive.

Y/N is naturally prettier I have to say.

Looking at the pictures, I think it’s just a hook up.

She’s far prettier than Y/N, well done Tommy.

That girl legit looks the spit of Y/N, I don’t think he’s over her.

It looks like Tom took Y/N and upgraded her.

I feel bad for the amount of hate Y/N’s getting, leave her be guys, we don’t know why they split up or how she’ll be feeling about this, I know I’d be heartbroken.

You furrowed your brows as you opened one of the pictures and in all fairness they weren’t wrong, she held a lot of similarities but she was far prettier and it made your heart ache. You still liked that some of his fans were supportive, some had been quite defensive of you. Tom had been vague about why you’d split up but never once denied it was his fault.

Then a tweet caught your eye because you noticed that Harry had retweeted it.

Please don’t bother Y/N with this. We know Tom said it was his fault as to why they broke up. We know that they loved each other and I think Tom might have made a mistake. Please respect that they are both still probably hurting and we should leave them alone.

Why was Harry retweeting something about this? Sure, he’d been supportive of you but not in public. Please respect that they are both still probably hurting. Was Tom still hurting? Apart from this morning he hadn’t tried to reach out at all in three weeks, you thought that was his way of saying he was over it. That was until you opened your voicemail and saw that Tom had left one last night. You sighed as you brought the phone up to your ear.

“Hi baby, sorry Y/N. I shouldn’t call you that anymore.” He was drunk and he was crying, that much you could tell. “Erm, you didn’t pick your phone up, not that I blame you. I wouldn’t if you said that shit to me. Listen, you’re gonna see some stuff tomorrow that I’m not proud of but you probably won’t get the whole truth and I want you to know what happened.” He sniffled a few times and your heart ached, he’d wanted to tell you first and you’d not answered.

“So I got really drunk tonight, as you can probably tell. I met this girl and she looked like you, she wasn’t you but she looked like you. She was really nice actually but that’s beside the point. You’re probably gonna see the pictures of me kissing her outside that club and I’m sorry. I know we’re not together but I haven’t moved on and I don’t want you to think I have.” You were crying as you listened to him, he sounded like he was in so much pain.

“I still love you, like a lot and I’m sorry. I brought her here and when we were about to sleep together I couldn’t do it. She was in our bed Y/N/N, that’s your place, not hers and I just couldn’t do it. I cried and she was really nice, she told me to call you. So here I am. Well, she said I should call you tomorrow when I was sober but I was hoping I’d hear your voice. Your voicemail will have to do I suppose. I love you and I miss you and I’m sorry I was such a prick. I didn’t mean it.”

You ended the call because you couldn’t listen anymore, he sounded like he was in so much pain and it made your heart sink into the pit of your stomach. He really was hurting as much as you were, maybe more. You were pulled out of your thoughts as your phone buzzed. Tom. You hesitated for a second before you answered.

“Hey.” You said in the best voice of happiness you could muster.

“Y/N? I didn’t think you’d answer.” He sniffled, was he crying again?

“Yeah, I erm, I got your voicemail.” You said and you heard as he let out a sob.

“I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair, I didn’t mean to spill all that, I only rang you with the intent of explaining what you’ve probably seen this morning. I shouldn’t have done that, I know you’re trying to move on so I shouldn’t have told you that I still love you.” He rambled through his sobs and your heart broke.

“Tom, it’s okay. I think I can forgive you for leaving an emotional voicemail.” You laughed through your tears and you heard him let out a choked laugh too.

“Can I see you? You don’t have to come here and I don’t have to come to you but can we meet somewhere neutral please? Even if it’s just for closure?” He was begging and you knew deep down you couldn’t say no even if you wanted to.

“Okay. How about that coffee shop we both like?” You said.

“Okay, gimme an hour?” The hope in his voice was enough to lift your heart slightly.

An hour later and you found yourself awkwardly sat at a table with Tom as you sipped your coffee.

“I’m sorry.” He sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. “I mean it. I shouldn’t have said what I said, it was so fucking wrong of me. I shouldn’t have used your insecurities like that, it was a dick move. You’re right I was being an arrogant, selfish arsehole and you deserved better, I understand why you left me.” He said as he looked at you, you could see the tears brimming and watched as he swallowed them back.

“It hurt Tom.” You said in response. “But you weren’t completely wrong either, I did rely on you too much, I pushed you harder than I should have at times and I know how hard you work.”

“Y/N, you just wanted me to be there when I said I was going to be, that’s not relying on me too much, that’s just asking me to be your boyfriend.” He sighed again.

“But you were right, there was always a chance that what would happen happened and I should have been more understanding.” You said as you looked at him again.

“I should have sent you a text and for that I’m sorry but it wasn’t like it was the first time it happened. I was so wrapped up in the film that I didn’t think much past it and I’m sorry for that. I shouldn’t have thrown you turning down that promotion at you either, I know you did that for us.” He said and he meant it, you knew he did, he may have been a fantastic actor but he always had this look in his eye when he was being completely genuine and vulnerable, one he couldn’t fake.

“It’s okay. I think we both needed to learn some things when we broke up.” You sighed as you sat in silence again, it felt more comfortable this time.

“I’m sorry about last night, the voicemail, the girl. All of it.” He said.

“It’s okay. In fairness you don’t have to apologise about the girl, you are single.” You tried to joke and he tensed.

“No but I didn’t want you to think I’d moved on, you deserve better than that. As for being single, please don’t remind me.” He huffed slightly, you could see the pain, it was all over his face. You missed him dearly and he seemed so genuine about how sorry he was. You sighed before you spoke up again.

“How about I let you take me to dinner tomorrow night? You know start over?” You mumbled and his face lit up in the most genuine way you’d ever seen.

“Seriously? You wanna try again?” He was smiling now and you realised how much you’d missed seeing it.

“I’m prepared to try again but take it slowly.” You admitted.

“Whatever you want.” He was nodding profusely, it almost looked comical. “What time? I won’t be late I promise.”

“7?” You asked as you stood to collect your bag.

“I’ll be there at ten to.” He smiled as you made you’re way out of the coffee shop.

[realcube]

 CRYBABY (1 / 2) | tsukishima k

♡ alt fluff ending (1 / 2) of jealous — alt angst ending ( 2 / 2 )

♡ tw crying, unspecified injury, reverse hurt/comfort, mentions of violence, swearing, rude nicknames & set in a hospital 

“Kei, hello? I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now but Yamaguchi told me that you were here and..I just wanted you to know that I, uh, am really sorry and I hope you get well soon.”

tsukishima felt like shit. he woke up with a splitting headache, which was only worsened by the bright beam of the LEDs which hung right above his hospital bed. it took him a few moments to become fully conscious but when he heard the irritating beeping of the ECG, his first coherent thought was, ‘wow, i can’t believe a fist fight with the king still has me hospitalised. how embarrassing.’

little did he know, kageyama was in the infirmary room right next to his own, being treated for his broken ankle and nose. 

tsukishima wasn’t spared another second to pity himself as his sore head snapped around to meet the gaze of whoever was lingering at the door, “hello?” he called out, squinting to try make out the looming figure before feeling around the side table for his glasses, “come in.” 

“Kei, hello? I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now but Yamaguchi told me that you were here and..I just wanted you to know that I, uh, am really sorry and I hope you get well soon.”

That voice was unmistakable.

his blood ran cold, suddenly feeling extremely dizzy and sick. “(y/n).” he muttered under his breath in disbelief, as he was finally able to get a clutch on his glasses and push them up the bridge of his nose, easing his headache slightly. 

“oh, thanks.” he croaked, his throat dry from both waking up and your presence. if he being completely honest, he hardly processed a word you said; as soon as he realised it was you talking, his mind was just flooded with emotions, feelings and memories alike. hardly any of them were bad — except for the more recent ones — yet he still felt an overwhelming wave of sadness which he had no choice but to hide. 

“so are you just going to stand there or are you going to come in?” he inquired, concealing his regret with sass, which was all to convincing since it was a usual practise for tsukishima by now. in fact, that’s exactly what had gotten him into this situation.

you inhaled sharply, shocked by the fact that he actually wanted you to stay as you’ve been under the impression that he hates you, which is understandable considering his recent actions. hesitantly, you emerged from behind the curtain that separated the bed he lay in from the door, your heart sinking upon seeing the state he lay in; out of the many years you had been friend with him, this is the worst you’ve ever seen him. pasty, chapped lips, bloodshot eyes, messy hair and extremely scrawny, yet you couldn’t help but admire him for pushing through none the less. in your eyes, he’s still beautiful — but he’d never believe you if you told him — and he thought the exact same about you. 

“how, um, how are you?” you stuttered, shuffling awkwardly as you took a seat in the chair that was already placed beside the bed. the same chair that his brother had sat in yesterday and him mother the day before that. 

“what do you think?” he scoffed, gesturing to his current state and injury that was highlighted by the thick, white cast. 

your eyes widened, being hit once again by the harsh reality that he was no longer your friend. “i- i don’t even know why i asked.” you murmured, voice meek and shaky enough to catch the attention of tsukishima, who also forgot that he was supposed to dislike you.

his comment wasn’t intended to be rude but in context, he could completely understand why you thought that — however, that’s just the type of guy he is. looking at your disheartened expression, he felt his own fall to resemble it. maybe kageyama did knock some sense into the blonde as he was now able to thinking clearly, recollect on how poorly he treated you and wonder why he did those things.

truly, he wanted nothing more to apologise. to tell you how awful he was and that he doesn’t hate you, quite the opposite actually! he needed to let you know that you did nothing wrong and everything bad that happened was his fault and he was willing to take full responsibility. but of course, his pride didn’t let him. all he was able to utter was, “did you check up on kageyama?”

it was a harmless question, or so he thought. just innocently inquiring about the wellbeing of his teammate and your ex, so why were tears rolling down your cheeks? and why did he feel the urge to cry too?

“yeah, but it was really awkward.”

tsukishima cheek heated up with both annoyance and at the fact your hand was now resting upon his, “why are you crying then?!” he snapped, angrily intertwining his fingers with yours, not thinking much of it, “you made it seem like he died or something!”

“why are you crying?!” 

“i’m not fucking crying!” he was crying. crystalline tears running down his cheek tickling his pale skin.

outstretching your arm, you brushed your finger against his face to wipe away his tear then proceed to show him how the pad of your index finger glistened under the intense room light. “yes, you are, crybabyshima!” you half-cried, half-laughed, resulting in tsukishima hunching over to cackle at the nickname. 

“i’m crying at how stupid you are!” he tired to hiss but he really couldn’t take himself seriously, involuntarily punctuating each word with a chuckle or wheeze. 

“watch it, kei. the stupid one of us is in a hospital bed.”  

he quirked a brow, breathing frantically from having just laughed his lungs out, “uh, yeah. because of stupidest one’s boyfriend.” he didn’t even know if what he was saying made sense or not, as his main priority was trying to catch his breath. 

“ex boyfriend.” you corrected, both of you becoming uncomfortably aware that you were still holding hands at the same time, yet neither of you dared to move an inch. you sniffled while wiping your cheek with the sleeve of your jacket, “kageyama told me what happened. it was vague but he said that you attacked him because he cheated on me, is that what really happened?”

his memory of the event was as hazy as that description. although, that sounded about right but now that he heard it aloud, he realised how pathetic it sounded so obviously he didn’t want to admit to that sort of behaviour. “i don’t remember.”

“it doesn’t sound like you.” your voice was hushed, as if he was going to scold you if you spoke up. “so what do you remember?”

the headache that was previously preventing him from doing any deep thinking had now somewhat dissipated, allowing his to avert his gaze onto the hospital floor as he hummed in thought, “the last thing i remember clearly was walking to school the night after you-” he gulped, the horrible memories suddenly flooding into his mind, making his lips twitch into a frown as he recalled all the nasty things he said to you, “the night after you called me.”

you nodded, the memories not treating you kindly either as all you were able to do was mouth an ‘oh’.

“listen, (y/n).” tsukishima started, the sight of your dejected aura prompting him to finally, partially, speak his mind. “i’m sorry about what i said. i don’t even know why i said it so i don’t have an explanation..i’m just sorry.” he didn’t expect forgiveness, in all honesty. if the roles were reverse, he was unsure as to whether he’d forgive you or not. well, he probably would but still, that’s just because he’s fallen so he doesn’t expect the same leeway from you. 

but to his surprise, your expression softened as you cooed, “it’s fine, kei.” with a shrug, absentmindedly stroking the back of his hand with your thumb. “i somewhat forgive you.” 

his eyes basically popped out of their sockets, “what?” he almost instantly blurted out, looking at you as if you had gone mad. “why?” there was slight disgust laced in his voice, but that was as expected of him so you didn’t read to much into it.

“because you’re hot.” you joked with an eyeroll, taken back by the audacity he had to question your decision, “why do you care? just be thankful that we can be friends again!” you chirped but his grimace wiped the smile clean off you face.

he genuinely would’ve been more content if you had just stopped after your first statement. i mean, you looked at him like he was your world, even when he was laying beaten on a hospital bed, and the way your thumb gently stoked the back of his frail, calloused hand like it was treasure resulted in butterflies erupting in his stomach. was that just you being friendly?

“you really are stupid.” he tutted, averting his gaze from your watery eyes as it would do nothing more than evoke unneeded and unappreciated emotions within him. “i think i’ve made it exceeding clear that i don’t want to be your friend.” despite his efforts, his words still sounded unsure and a light blush kept creeping onto his features. 

a gasp escaped your lips, your eyebrows furrowing as you immediately felt a surge of impenetrable rage shoot through your body, “why not?! i thought we were getting on like old times.” after the initial rush of adrenaline subsided, you found yourself sulking, slumping back in your chair and crossing your arms over your chest like a child. you just wanted things to go back to the way they were before, was that too much to ask? or did he truthfully detest you? and if that’s the case, why was he holding your hand so tightly, refusing to let go?

“idiot, i mean i want to be your boyfriend.” the last word was spoken meekly, as if it was a curse. “i didn’t think i’d have to spell it out for you but i guess i shouldn’t have overestimated your intelligence.” ironic, considering that you didn’t have to be a genius to figure out that he was joking. you had known him for long enough to be aware that he was physically incapable of giving a compliment without following it up with sarcasm or an insult. 

it was as if someone had lit a blast furnace underneath your chair as you felt your whole body heat up to an uncomfortable extend, instantly aware of your hand in his you felt your palm become clammy — or perhaps that was his —   either way, you were quick to yank away, leaving tsukishima extremely confused and oddly offended.

“kei..” you breathed, mind completely blank, “why?” 

“what do you mean? i don’t know why.” this whole week has been a roller-coaster of emotions for him and now he was trying to finally bail himself out but you weren’t making it any easier, but at the end of the day, he only had himself to blame as you’d probably be a lot more forthcoming if it wasn’t for his past attitude. 

there was a part of him that was ready to gush on to you about how warm you make him, how your touch sends butterflies through his body, how your general demeanour makes him feel as though he could entrust his whole life to you but his pride wouldn’t allow him to express said thoughts. 

but fortunately, he didn’t need to elaborate as your finger found his jaw, tilting it upwards so he’d meet your reassuring gaze, “i’d love to. we could go to that dessert place near your house and get that couple’s discount! well, when you recover, of course.”

poor, simp tsukki didn’t even try to resist the smile his lips curled into as your minty breath tickled his skin. “i ask you out and the first thing you think about is dessert? typical.”

smirking, you leaned in to pinch his cheek but immediately jerked backwards when he winced, “ah, i’m sorry! old habits die hard.” you chuckled awkwardly, feeling a resurgence of the previous heat when he kissed the back of your hand to show no hard feelings. 

“it’s fine. but as an apology, stay with me for a while.” he said, his eyes fixated on the window by his bed. his hand subconsciously finding it’s way into yours once again. 

[lostinwoods]

A different take on SessKag relationship or why it would be more realistic than InuKag.

Let me begin with

Sesshomaru's and Kagome's past and how they are similar.

Sesshomaru had always been a very sentimental and emotionally receptive being. He had loved and cherished his dad the most. Loving and competing with him, wanting to surpass him, desiring recognition and acceptance so much so that his entire world revolved around his father. He did not want the swords because they were powerful or the bs about supreme conquest. What is that shit? Sesshomaru never needed that. The swords, especially Tessaiga was the most important acceptance to Sess. I will get back to this later.

Now Kagome. This kid was born and then we never saw her dad even when she was a kid. Another classic case of growing without a dad? Perhaps. But I feel her grandpa filled her missing dad's place. That is why the kid grew up in a lovely household, filled with love and peace and made Kagome what she was later on, a selfless girl who wants to love and protect her friends. Because that is what she learnt. Her grandpa, mom, everyone and her own family dynamics taught her how important it was to cherish the ones she loved.

What they initially thought of Inuyasha in their life

Now back to Sess. When his dad died, he dies saving Izayoi. What is the thing he feels at the time I wondered. Surely devastated? Yes, but even worse. His most important person, his goal, the thing his life revolved around was gone. And for what? To protect a weak, useless bitch like Izayoi? Here is a thing, he never knew Izayoi but knew the hut had collapsed on his dad when Izayoi had escaped. What can a teen feel when they hear such a thing? 'That useless bitch, ran away when my dad was in danger and cost him his life. Fuck that bitch and that kid they made. Useless, all humans are useless and weak.' This was really where his hatred came from. Probably.

Kagome on the other hand from the beginning was shown as a selfless kid, who loved both humans and demons alike. Reason? She had never lived in the feudal era. She was a kid grown in a society where everyone is placed on a equal pedestal. How would she, a modern kid understand the bad blood between demons and humans? If she were ever born in Feudal Japan, would things have changed? Maybe. Then she falls into a world where nothing was similar to where she was from. She was frightened, unsure and confused. And then Inuyasha came into her life. Honestly their first meeting was not romantic and pretty terrific in a sense. That was a weird day for Kagome. She fell into an alien world only heard in fairy tales, got involved in a weird prophecy, learnt she was a mythical sort of being herself and then got attacked by a guy who had saved her only seconds before, all ready to rip her heart out. In such a case, the 'osuwari' was probably a safe word for her. Why she uses it later in the series? Probably because she never trusted Inuyasha and felt more comfortable using a word which gave her power over him. Honestly, what would you expect? Kisses and love showers?

Analysis: Kagome was still scared of Inuyasha for a long time and did not trust him completely.

Before Inu no Taisho's tomb battle

Kagome before this went home and then cane back because she felt that fixing the Shikon was her duty. More honestly, she just returned coz Yura attacked and she wanted her family to be safe. Here I want to take some time to gush over how cool Kagome is. Intelligent, smart and extremely powerful. How she understood that Yura's skull was her weakness and breaks the god forsaken thing with just an arrow. That is some level of OPness. Who says Kags is useless?

Anyways, after that when Inuyasha called her 'Kagome', a lot of the viewers thought that Kagome was ecstatic because it was romantic and she was in love. But that is bs. It is not possible to love someone a week later they tried to gut your heart out. It is masochistic and unreal. Kagome over here felt a sense of acceptance from a guy who she felt previously hated her enough to kill her. And that to Kagome was a sign of friendship and more like, 'don't worry, I am not at least gonna attempt to kill you anymore.'

Kagome, inheritently a person who gives a hand when given a finger. She accepts Inu as her friend and they were far from being lovers.

It is exactly this time that Sess attacks them. And quite cruely might I say. Bringing Inu's dead mom like that was not funny and Sess was an outright jerk for doing that no matter how much he hated Inu and Izayoi. He is all weird and sarcatic at high levels. And Kags hated him. She hated how he was attacking this one friend she had made in the era. She hated how cruel this bastard was and how much pain her friend was going through. And her own lovely bond with her brother did not help her to look into their complex brotherly bond which seemed to her more like some battle royale. She probaably hated the bitch for showing up and hurting her friend like that even when he, being the older brother should have loved his younger brother and nurtured him like she would do for Souta.

For Sess, it was really weird and shitty all over. A basic human bitch, standing behind Inu like she was weak fawn. Reminded him so much of Izayoi. Someone who never even tried saving his dad. That was why his sarcastic words were like, "Inuyasha, it suits you so much to have a human behind you". Ya and he was irritated by looking at how helpless af the bitch was. He was narcisstic, filipant of Kags presence and all around indifferent to a 'weak human filthy woman', who he felt was just like the one for whom his dad died.

Surprise is how he did not outright murder her. Perhaps he felt like they were worthless and beneath his boots.

Lol, these two are the best.

Inside Inu No Taisho's tomb

Kags was really angry with this bitch who just chained her up, clawed a pearl out of her friend's eye and then jumped into a black hole. That is why she followed with, "This sort of a person, with no blood or humanity in his veins, I cannot forgive him" and then she chased. Even Inu was like, WTF bro. It was fun. Then she spouted lines like, " Take the sword Inuyasha, it will be like a hit to his pride, what a shame!"

How tf did she know about how much his pride hurt him. Lol felt like Kags knew Sess more than Inu ever would and they only met. That was some soulmate level shit right there. Lol!

Then there was Sess who was outright dismissing Kags and she was not even a spec of dust in his eyes. Then she went and pulled that sword out. Remember the scene where he was so surprised that he stopped the battle with Inu and turned around and LOOKED. Like really LOOKED. It was such a heart stopping moment and for good measures as well. He saw a girl, a woman standing there, holding an inheritance which was supposed to be his and she did something he could not. Did Tessaiga accept her then, did his father accept her more than him? He was baffled, confused and low-key awed. That was why he said, "What are you?" And legit measured her top to bottom. That was some turning point for Sess. Something that proved to him that all humans cannot be dismissed. But he was in rage. How can a mere human be worthy of Tessaiga and melted her along with that sword. I wonder if it was his second test to see whether Tessaiga would protect her or not. And then it did!

Sess went ape-shit crazy after that. A sword he desired for so long (The sword used to protect Izayoi was a thorn in his heart. Made him feel like his father had chosen a human over him. But if the sword had accepted him, it would have proved that his dad had still loved him, thought of him). That was the significance of Tessaiga to him. Power sure, but more of an acceptance. His dad's acceptance. And then what happened? The sword preferred a human who then gave it to his damned hated brother.

Aftermath of tomb battle

Kagome never really liked Sess's guts and probably had no form of sympathy towards someone like him. On the other hand things picked up with her and Inu's relation. She came to know some facts about Kik. And her inferiority complex began with her incarnate. But having a part of Kik's soul in her, began her obsession with Inu. She strived to understand him, make a better person of himself. But their relation was still not there to lovers.

Then Sess came across Naraku. He probably just wanted to dick around more with Inu and accepted the human hand.

2nd battle for Tessaiga

Sess's desire to possess the Tessaiga had increased at this point. His rage of having his arm cut off by that sword felt like the worst rejection from his dad. He was going insane and might have wanted to kill Inu for real in this fight. He was in no mood for theatrics in this one, unlike the tomb where he actually watched some InuKag drama and even applauded (lol). He was absolute business this time. He snached the sword and showed Inu exactly why he should not get that sword, 'You cannot even make the wind rift, why should you be more worthy?'

He meant to kill Inu and then Kags arrow sailed in, charging with enough power to even cancel the demonic energy filled into the sword by Sess himself.

His thoughts were for the same reason, " She canceled Tessaiga's transformation? Who is this girl?"

His respect scale jumped for her here. He truly had never met anyone who could rival his power to such extent. He had never met a girl who stood so powerfully in face of danger to protect this some half-breed scum. She was like the embodiment of everything he had hoped Izayoi to be to his dad. A strong woman who would wager her life to save the one she holds dear. Sess had learnt this fact from his dad's death. To sacrifice in name of love and then in this fight he understood how much that meant both for Inuyasha and Kagome. He probably somewhat understood what this feeling was after seeing these two.

Sess had an idea of love and protection and Kags became its centre. She was this vague expectation Sess had of human love and an absolute loyalty towards whom you love most. He felt complicated towards her. He respected her.

3rd Tessaiga battle

Sess's most sceptical battle yet. Why break the tessaiga? 'I will break it if I can't have it!' Desperate much?. Then the wind drift appears and for the first time Sess acknowledges Inu. For maybe being a somewhat worthy of having Taisho's blood, only if a little bit. He is saved by Tenseiga. Oh, how he hated this worthless sword more. This sword could not cut throught things and saves his life. What a worthless shit.

Kagome's narrative here was important. "How can he weild the Tenseiga? He needs a compassionate heart for that." Always wondered why Kags was the one to say this. But realised the reason later on.

Rin

Obviously the most controversial topic of Inuverse. What Sess felt for Rin, why was she there.

Rin has often been compared to be the Kagome version of Sess. And that is the only truth. She came in like a ray of sunshine when he was in most need. He was in self doubt, hate towards Inu and complex emotions towards Kags. And then Rin was there with the exact same face and the same warm feeling like Kags. Even he knew what InuKag were to each other then and no matter how much he respected Kags, he was not really interested in a further relation with Kags. But his deeply unsated desire to understand his dad's mentality and reason behind saving a human was what made him think of Rin. As she was his chance to understand that. His chance to understand why his dad could do that, why Inu could do that and why humans like Kags and Rin could save and love demons. It was not romantic in any sense. He had a confusion and Rin was his way towards a solution. Though it was a different fact that he loved her later on and cherished and protected her. Enough to feel that there was no meaning to his anything if she was not there.

So yes in a way, she is Kags embodiment in Sess's life, a picture of Kags selfless love. His desire to truly understand such beings called selfless humans and the result of his single minded belief of human women being trash and unable to love shattering.

And for fun just to contradict Kags speculations, for first time ever, Sess uses the sword and we viewers realise how wrong Kags was. Sess had every bit of compassion in his heart.

Later events

The events went on with Kags finally understanding her position in Inu's life and her single-minded chase to be accepted by Inu as just Kagome and not Kikyo's reflection. I do not even know if this could be called love or just a misinterpreted need of attention from someone you hold dear. But whatever, we realise Kags is in love with Inu now and still cannot stop from feeling compassion towards Kikyo. Honestly she and Sess are truly two opposite sides of a spectrum.

Sess on the other hand gets Tokijin and attacks Inuyasha. This time around, I highly doubt he was still chasing Tessaiga. It had more evolved into his need to show he is more powerful than Inu. 'What you do best, I can do better.'

Stopping Inu from transforming

In this the most debatable question was whether he was there to stop Inu or not.

Sess had wanted to see and experiment the limits of Inu's blood beast.

After some fighting, Kags jumped in. Sess stared at her, like forever. That staring tho. Even when she was like, "Stay away, you idiot." Sess stared. For Sess, that was what he admired the most in Kags. Her selfless devotion. He was staring at that fearless figure who once again surprised him by being a sacrifice to save her loved ones. She was to Sess what he had always thought of 'love' to be. She was the embodiment of the term 'love' to Sess. For a guy who knew nothing of how to define emotions, it was Kags who showed him what love was. And thus he jumped over and over again in front of Rin to protect her. She taught him how to cherish even the even the most weak individual in a group, and thus he protected Jaken.

Rin was there to show him the same thing everyday. But no matter how much Rin showed him her own loyality, love and warmth, Kags always remained that shining beam to him. I will say later on how I understood this.

Kag's love was the validity of his dad's sacrifice. A way for him to make sense of his dad's mindless death over protecting some weak human.

And in this scene for the first time ever, Kags saw Sess as more than an insufferable pest to her friends. She saw his noble ideals and realised why he was there and thus she thought, "Was he here to save Inuyasha?"

It is very curious as to why Kags was again given these lines. It was probably because her opinion mattered, to Sess it did. And we will see more why in the future.

Random encounters

There was one time when Kags saw Rin while Jaken was trying to steal Tessaiga and she had asked herself, "Why is a little human girl traveling with Sess?' It was again a small thing which she did not need to feel but was very imp. for her development towards Sess. How she started to understand him more.

Kohaku incident

Here we saw how was the first time Sess listened to Kags.

Kags opinion mattered. Inu's mattered and when he realised that Kohaku was being used he let him go. There was one reason that he did not want to be used, the next I am sure was for Kags and Inu. He knew then that Kohaku was imp. to them and he stopped. Big character jump for him.

Then the most curious fact was how Kags knew what the girl meant to him, "Please let him go Sesshomaru, the girl is fine."

Kagome: Thanks Sesshomaru!

Sesshomaru: I just never wanted to be used by Naraku and fall into his trap.

Lol...

Then after Rin left, Kags thoughts about how she had left with Sess and was awed . An important point for her change in feelings towards Sess. She understood the guy was changing and Rin was changing him.

The fun fact was how she was instantly in love with this little girl and that would become important later on.

More random events..

After that it was shown that many times Kags was the only one who could stop a fight bet. the brothers. Example that time when he fought with Inu to get some direction for Naraku. And then Kags came and told him to go north or something and he was like, "That is all I wanted to know." And left.

What is to be seen in these parts is how RT made only him and her interact like this. He listening to her like they have been friends forever.

The saving of Kanta's father was also an example of how much she affected him.

Her plea to save Kanta's dad even when no one believed and no one bothered to ask him. Tensaiga moved because he felt deeply moved by her plea. He might have never wanted to voice it but since Tensaiga only worked when the weilder felt compassion and a need to save someone. Sess must have felt it subconsciously and Tensaiga had stired. Or it had stired because it is a SessKag shipper as well. Lol!

Mukotsu

I wonder how Sess knew Kags was in trouble. Another fun fact like how he appears at times when Inu is not there to save Kags. Sess is there. Probably he knew her scent too well and hence could even distinguish between that and the poison. After that was the gruesome death of Mukotsu. The thing to notice over her was how large Sess looked in that hut doorway, it was a symbolism to how big and huge his protective self looks when he is protecting Kagome. A very romantic thing indeed. The first time he protects someone who is not under his protection. A complete selfless act if considered from his pov. Sess being a very private person and while saving Kagome showed her place in his heart. Yeah and that was very visible from how he killed Mukotsu.

The takeaway from this episode is not this though. It was the fact that Kags defended Sess. For the first time ever, all the good deeds she had seen him doing had outplayed her hatred for him. She accepeted him as a friend with these words, "No Inuyasha, he was here to protect us, he saved us." It was a completely unnecessary detail in the whole scheme of this episode but very important for Sess. Her acceptance matters, her opinion matters and Sess is a Tsundere.

Sesshomaru: I did not save YOU, I just killed him coz he did not answer me properly.

This proved how much she affects him, rattles him and how much her life means to him. And an unspoken promise to himself to protect her when Inu was not around.

Fight with Shishinki

No one ever mentions this fight. But there is a very important SK interaction in here. Something which was important for Sess. Kagome's understanding.

When Sess was lost in the same darkness of never being accepted by his dad, Shishinki made things worse by saying Tenseiga was a cast out of Tessaiga and it was given as a leftover to Taisho's least fav. son. Sesshomaru was hurt, lost, and his daddy issues, his biggest weakness was sharply opened by a knife, cruely and Kagome's words saved him.

Kagome: But there might have been a reason their dad had done this.

Kags belief that Taisho had infact not rejected Sess was like a balm to his soul, the only thing he had needed to hear throughout his life. The thing which made him accept in the end that Tensaiga was there to protect Inuyasha, the thing that was needed to sort of activate Tessaiga and then he finally formed his biggest and truest meido. It was romantic, touching and outright heavenly. Then it was made cute with Inu's awkward concern. It was the best ep. as of yet.

Kagome's deep concern and her understanding of Sess's pain was brilliant and alien level insane. She should not have, but she did and that's why they felt more like soulmates.

Battle with Magatsuhi

Sess had gone batshit crazy when Magatsuhi had hurt Kagome and that had only been worsened by him questioning Sess's honor and pride. Sess had turned full on doggy mode and lost control in that way for the first time since the tomb. And the strike at Magatsuhi's eyes was another symbolism of his revenge for doing shit to Kags eyes and mindfucking her.

RT has always thrown these small hints in between IK drama. Which are brilliant and lovely. Even that one scene where he stands protectively inbetween Kags prostrate body on Kilala and Magatsuhi. Beautiful symbolism, really.

It was also fun to see how Kags half power was sealed by Magatsuhi and Sess's half power was returned via Bakusaiga. I felt that Sess's true acceptance of his protection to Kagome and his detachment from Tessaiga was what made him the true daiyokai and surpass his father. Since somehow Tessaiga has always been linked to protecting Kagome and somehow protecting her might have also been the thing to finding Bakusaiga. The desire to protect her perhaps.

Soul mate mind link theatrics

This is something only some people realise. Sesshomaru and Kagome have been shown not once, but twice to be doing this. Once while fighting for Kohaku's life and the last shard and the other in Naraku's body. Kagome and Sesshomaru had been shown to think in absolute synchronisation. He thinks half the sentence, she completes the rest. Absolute soul mate shit.

SessKag power combo

Shown a lot of time in Inuverse. Sess attacks and Kags completes. A small thing but their timing is insane. And is defintely the best power combo, far better than an InuKag combo.

Fight in Naraku's body

This was the time when Sess finally shows what Kagome means to him. Where she stands and how much he cares for her. She is his FIRST priority. Proof? When Rin and she are in simultaneous danger, he stands there infront of Kags for God knows how long, removing those snake things like he had all the time in the world and once she is awake he is concerned about her well being.

Sess: Those wounds, are those Inuyasha's doing?

And his disappointment in Inuyasha not being able to protect Kags.

Sess: As expected of a half-demon. He lost himself in the bloodlust.

Kags obviously considered Sess to be a friend at this point. A very close friend at that. Family perhaps? Their familiarity here was not missed by anyone. Her defending Inu and then still prioritising Rin over Inu were only somethings we realised this chapter.

The most important was her belief in him.

Manga exclusive,

Kags: I believe that you would be able to do it. Do not fall into Naraku's trap and play his cards that is what he wants. Only you can do this, I know.

Wow, Kags wow...just wow... It is the best actually. She does not believe Inu in this situation but she does Sess. She believes in his protection and she knows her influence on him. This speaks volumes. This shows her unreal connection to him and how they match each other instinctively.

Sess knows her influence. This is his weakness.

The mokomoko scene was truly Sesshomaru's best confession. For him who cannot say much in words, allowed her to fly on mokomoko. Something which everyone of us know has a heavy weightage for Sesshomaru. It is his weapon, his forever companion and his support when he is injured and tired. Offering such a thing to her for whatever reason was truly his way of showing what he exactly feels for her. He cherishes her the most and I could say even more than Rin. Trusts her the most and would jump in front of danger to protect her.

Which is only seen more when he asks her to stay away from the fight because she would be a 'hinderance'. Which means he could not fight if she is in the middle. He would be vulnerable and weak. Intersting, very interesting. Another time where he stood between her and a dangerous blood beast that Inu had become.

The best part was truly him getting concerned when she fell down from the top while removing Tessaiga and then when Magatsuhi tried to possess her.

His anger was so vibrant. "Get away from her!"

What a brilliant thing to say. The possessiveness. The will to protect her. The absolute anger. Brilliant. So much was spoken in those lines.

The best ending though was the SessKag power combo of Bakusaiga and holy arrow. Best ending. Inu was not even much involved in ending Naraku. It was weird how the titular character failed in finishing the main villain with his meido. Shows a lot what SessKag meant to RT.

Big brother

Yes, the iconic scene where fans of all ships shout out that SK is not a romantic ship.

Well over here I want to say that Kagome truly saw Sess as a big brother figure at this point. Part of it was because she still felt that she was in love with Inu and part because she was not receptive to her reactions to Sess and what he truly meant to her at this point. She feels an intimate connection to him but cannot justify the weirdness because she still feels a closeness to Inu so she thinks of him as big brother. Which was a very intimate thing for Kagome to say. She loves him like family and clearly places him higher than the rest of her friends only second to Inu. That was more of a declaring her closeness to Sess rather than a confirmation of her and Inu's relationship. Kags is not a vain character who does things coz they are convinient. She would not call a friend if they are not a friend. And certainly not a big brother if she does not feel so.

Sess actually was relieved, ecsatatic and happy when Jaken informed hin of Kags arrival as was seen in his expression. Very funny actually. Because next second he was called big brother and he was hilariously ticked off. He could not believe what he was being called. Lol that interaction though. It showed how close they ended up being. Even more close than he was to his own brother.

But he accepted the title even if with much pain in his neck and then was really offended when Jaken badmouthed Kagome.

Conclusion: No one badmouths Kagome.

Haaha....end of this long analysis. I tried to analyse it from the character's pov and found some interesting small tidbits and detail that RT had hidden in this story.

Thus I felt that SK would be a more natural ship maybe not outright. Since Sess loves her truly but does not understand the nature of the relation and Kags is still too much blinded by Inu filter a.t.m. Maybe given years when Kags will realise exactly what sort of love she feels for Inu. Which will happen because such a toxic relation like IK should not exist and then she will probably see Sess's love for her.

My Conclusion: SK is a defintive. It will happen with some time and care. When both would mature. But it will happen for sure. All the ingredients are there, the stage has been set just the players have to realise what they feel for each other.

[panharmonium]

you know what?

no.  absolutely not.

i already did part 1 of this post here.  i’m back again with part 2, because unfortunately the awfulness factor doesn’t stop with arthur, and as much as i adore hunith generally, this entire sequence is a MESS.

and yes, i am aware that pretty much nobody else thinks so.  every time i see this scene referenced in fandom, it is always framed as a fun, cutesy, sing-songy moment of “oooo, hunith ships merthur!”  literally every time.  

which, you know, like i always say about everything fandom-related - that’s fine.  everybody is going to enjoy things differently; you do you, and keep on having fun!  but here on my own blog, in my own space, i am gonna do me, and in this case ‘me’ involves yelling about how much i can’t stand that particular read, and how angry the end of 1.10 makes me.

disclaimer, to help folks curate their own fandom experiences: i am going to be Very Cranky for the rest of this post.  if you love this particular scene in the way i just mentioned, you will probably want to scroll on by, because this piece of meta most likely won’t be your jam.  as always, these are my personal thoughts and nobody is obligated to share them, so please do not hesitate to simply skip this post if we are on different wavelengths - instead, keep enjoying fandom in whatever way is most fun for you!

fair warning now given, off i go on a long, frustrated tirade.

i already wrote about the first half of this scene, where arthur decides that the appropriate thing to do at this particular moment is to give merlin a scolding about the evils of sorcery, despite the fact that the only reason arthur is even alive to deliver this lecture in the first place is because merlin’s ‘sorcerer’ best friend just DIED saving arthur’s life.  but sure, you know what, let’s use said best friend’s funeral to chastise merlin about how “dangerous” sorcerers are.  let’s just make that completely dickheaded decision.  

and, moving on to the second half of this scene - here’s the thing.  hunith overhears this entire conversation.  she overhears arthur telling merlin off about sorcery, in front of the burning corpse of merlin’s best friend, who is, as far as arthur knows, the ‘sorcerer’ who died saving arthur’s life.  

and yet, for some inexplicable reason, hunith still cannot get off the arthur pendragon train for two damn seconds.  

she has known arthur for less than a week.  by contrast, she has known will for his entire life.  but the instant arthur walks away, hunith sidles up next to merlin and says, “you’d better be going” - like.  okay, my god, can you try to hustle him away from his best friend’s in-progress funeral any faster?????  how about we maybe give him a second?  the pyre hasn’t even burnt down yet, and merlin hasn’t had a single second to himself since this sequence started.  he’s had to stand there and listen to arthur insult the dude who everyone is supposed to be memorializing, and then hunith - who overheard the entire thing - zips right over and tries to chivvy merlin on his way.  you’d better be going.

HELLO?!  the pyre is still roaring.  how about, instead of hassling merlin and hustling him offstage, everybody just sits down and waits for a minute.  how about they all just leave merlin alone for three everloving seconds.  

honestly, just - every time i think about this scene i get angrier.

i love hunith, and i know she’s well-intentioned.  but everything she gives merlin in this scene is the exact opposite of what he needs.  he doesn’t need to be hurried off the village green like there’s some reason he can’t stay there for the entirety of his friend’s funeral.  he doesn’t need to be pushed into going back to camelot when he is clearly struggling with the idea of leaving ealdor again.  and he absolutely does not need to be told how much someone else “needs” him right now, when he himself is the one who is having a fucking crisis and who needs someone to take care of him.

i cannot emphasize that last point enough.  it is just - beyond upsetting to me that hunith literally watches arthur shitting on merlin’s dead best friend (and, by proxy, merlin himself, since merlin is the actual sorcerer) and she still somehow thinks the right thing to do is walk over and start telling merlin how great arthur is and how arthur “needs” him and how merlin “belongs at arthur’s side.”  

i can’t stand that.  it makes me so angry.  it’s not right.  it’s not fair.  it’s damaging.  it’s the same shitty messaging that destroys merlin’s life in later seasons, this idea that he exists for someone else’s sake, the complete disregard for what he himself might want at any given moment, for what he himself might need, for the reservations he might have about this plan that other people have formulated for his life.

he is UNCOMFORTABLE when she says these things to him!  he doesn’t look at her; he shifts his gaze to arthur and the camelot squad with this grim, unconvinced expression on his face, and then he averts his eyes from her.

everything hunith tells merlin in this scene is the exact opposite of what he needs to hear.  he does not need someone to tell him how badly his services are “needed” by a man who hates the person merlin truly is, not when the only friend who ever accepted merlin’s true self has just been killed.  he does not need to be told that arthur, who is alive solely because will is dead and who only seconds ago expressed exactly zero gratitude for that sacrifice, is the person to whom merlin owes his undying loyalty.  he does not need to be shuffled off to camelot as quickly as possible, as if it would be better for him to just rush forward and forget what happened here, as if what happened here didn’t matter.  

because what happened here did matter, whether hunith and arthur find it convenient to acknowledge or not.  i have to lay this out again, because what happened to merlin in ealdor is so much more important than anybody ever seems to realize - and i do understand that, i really do (because yes, it was just one episode for us) - but we have to look at it from merlin’s perspective, not the audience’s.

will wasn’t ‘one episode’ for merlin.  

i can’t say this enough times.  i cannot say this loudly enough.

merlin, at the beginning of this show, has only ever had ONE FRIEND.

most of us can’t even imagine something like that.  

but try.  TRY.  

merlin has only ever had one friend.  he’s only ever had one friend to love him.  he only had one friend for the first two decades of his life.  he’s only been in camelot for a couple of months; he’s only known these camelot people for a couple of months, and they don’t know his real self anyhow.  and now his ONLY FRIEND, the person he’s known all his life, the only friend he ever had who knew him for who he truly was, was just violently cut down before his very eyes, whilst saving a guy who can legally have merlin murdered for just existing.  and even though merlin and will spend the entirety of 1.10 having a painful, complicated argument, will still uses his last moments on earth to tell the biggest fucking whopper of his life, in order to shield merlin from harm, taking all of the danger and infamy and condemnation upon himself.  he dies with a lie on his lips.  he dies with merlin’s hand in his hair.  

and all the while, merlin knows that this would not have happened if he had just been willing to use his magic in the first place, instead of letting his fear of discovery prompt him into allowing his neighbors to offer themselves up for the slaughter in his place.

the avalanching double-whammy of grief and guilt that merlin is suddenly slammed with at the end of this episode is almost incomprehensible in scale.

i’ve talked about this before, but again, i think it’s something we don’t generally remember: losing will is the first time merlin has ever experienced personal bereavement.  and he doesn’t get to start out with a warm-up; he goes straight to the big leagues.  this is not some trifling thing.  this is a total implosion of merlin’s world as he knows it.  

when we think about the mark this episode leaves on merlin’s life, i don’t think most of us consider the magnitude of this event deeply enough.  losing will in this way is not some one-off thing that merlin just...gets over.  this is the most earth-shattering thing that has ever happened to him, at this point in time.  it is still one of the worst things that has ever happened to him, period, even years later.  the guilt never goes away.  

and the thing that’s unique about this particular trauma is that merlin has to manage it alone.  there are other tragedies in his life where we witness him receiving support/comfort from others - freya, lancelot, balinor (though of course there are aspects to these miseries that merlin has to keep secret from other people, as well) - but with will, merlin has to do everything on his own.  he can’t get one single moment of peace at will’s funeral.  his own mother, the only person who knows what really happened, can’t help him without making everything about arthur.  and merlin can’t tell anyone else what happened, not the truth of it, because doing so would squander the gift he’s been given - will’s lie is still protecting him, years later, from arthur and morgana both.  

merlin, at the end of 1.10, is forced to navigate this grief completely alone, in the silent secrecy of his own heart.  arthur is actively making it worse.  hunith is out here singing arthur’s praises.  and will is just like - he’s suddenly not part of the conversation anymore.  he doesn’t even register on anyone’s radar.

it truly is...incredible, for me, to watch hunith overhear arthur being legitimately terrible to both merlin and the guy who just died saving merlin AND arthur’s lives, and then to see her come over and start talking about how merlin belongs at arthur’s side, how much merlin needs to be there for him, how they’re two sides of the same coin.  meanwhile, the guy who literally just lied his life away to protect merlin’s secret and who NEVER made merlin feel like he had to hide who he was and who never had any problem with magic in the first place and never made merlin feel unsafe and never treated merlin like he was less of a human being just for existing -

- he’s just burning to ash there, and hunith doesn’t even acknowledge that, despite the fact that merlin is so visibly, intently, single-mindedly focused on that funeral pyre, and so clearly in distress and in pain and NEEDING somebody.  all she can talk about is merlin’s responsibility to arthur.  

the dissonance here is baffling.  hunith has known will forever.  she met arthur less than a week ago.  she barely knows him, and what she does know is that he thinks magic-users are dangerous/evil.  she saw him being a dick to her kid.  she knows her son is having the worst day of his life.  and she still doesn’t offer a single comforting word in reference to the person who just died protecting merlin’s secret, instead choosing to wax poetic about a man whose bigotry is what merlin needed protecting from in the first place.

that...is a hot mess.  the merlin-hunith-will dynamic is one of the few things in this show that reflects less-than-stellarly on hunith’s character, however much i love her.  and even though it all stems from an overwhelming desire to keep her son safe, it doesn’t make her choices any less damaging.  she sends merlin away specifically because she finds out that will knows about his secret.  she spends 1.10 analyzing and encouraging and dissecting merlin’s relationship with arthur, when merlin’s relationship with will is the one that desperately needs attention.  she’s proven wrong about will’s trustworthiness in the most stunning, powerful way possible, and then she never even acknowledges him, instead choosing to laud the dude who literally forces merlin to live in fear of execution.

she’s merlin’s mother.  she’s the only person in his life who knows anything about what will actually meant to him.  she is his only possible resource as he tries to weather a kind of devastation that defies description.  

and she, like arthur, just barrels right on ahead and makes everything about someone else.

the cinematography choices in this scene matter.  whenever arthur or hunith tries to talk to merlin, the camera is placed on the opposite side of the fire from them, meaning the flames are always in the foreground of the frame.  they are something we are required to see and look past before we can get to anything else in the scene.  and in terms of directorial/acting decisions - merlin doesn’t take his eyes off the pyre until the end of his conversation with hunith.  not once while talking to arthur does he look away from it.

the funeral pyre is always in the foreground of the shot, because it’s in the forefront of merlin’s mind.  that is where his focus is right now.  that is what is taking up all of his attention.  that is what is edging into the frame, eating up our entire field of view.  that is what he needs help with.

but he doesn’t get any such support.  the entire sequence ends up revolving around arthur.  will’s entire funeral is about arthur fucking pendragon.  arthur inserts himself so he can talk to merlin about how evil magic is, and then hunith inserts herself so she can talk to merlin about how great arthur is.  nobody ever stops to think that maybe merlin doesn’t want to talk to anybody right this second.  merlin’s entire ‘farewell’ to the only true friend he ever had in his life is completely swallowed up by the prince of camelot, and if that isn’t a metaphor for the rest of merlin’s life, then i don’t know what is.  

i know nobody needs to hear this, because very few people are invested in this kid at the same level of embarrassing detail as me, but here it is, anyway.  

yes, will is prickly.  he’s hard to get on with.  he’s angry.  he’s bitter and snappy and uncharitable, sometimes.

but you know what?  he has every reason to be like that.  

this kid has nobody.  his own best friend’s mother - who has known him all his life - doesn’t trust him and doesn’t respect him.  she is too afraid for her own son’s safety to give will any credit.  she sends merlin away to camelot, the most violently anti-magic place in the world, because apparently, will knowing about merlin’s secret would be even more dangerous than uther pendragon’s genocidal reign.

think about how that would feel.  to hear something like that about yourself.  to be somebody who is already so goddamn alone in the world, and to have your only friend vanish without so much as a ‘see you later,’ and then to be made to feel, however indirectly, like this is somehow your fault, like you’re the liability, like you’re the untrustworthy element here.  as if you, somehow, are more dangerous than a king who literally pays to have sorcerers trafficked to him in cages.

will has every right to be upset, all the time.  he has every reason to be angry, and bitter, and hurt, all the time.  to be thought so poorly of - to be held in such low esteem - when he hasn’t done anything wrong, when he hasn’t ever done anything to earn that kind of mistrust - and to have that same misplaced suspicion used to justify separating him from the only person in the world who gives a damn about him - if it were me, i would be constantly on the verge of screaming, all the time.

will has always been on merlin’s side, and he has never done anything to endanger him, and in the end he gives up everything to make sure merlin can stay safe and hidden and unhunted.  he shouldn’t have needed to prove his goodness, his constancy, his worth; not when he’s already kept merlin’s secret for who knows how many years, but even after he does do so, it doesn’t even matter.  arthur acknowledges him only to disparage sorcery.  hunith passes him over completely in favor of praising arthur, with no acknowledgment of the misjudgment she made.

i have said before that merlin tends to befriend people who have nobody, people who’ve been left behind by the rest of the world, people who’ve been made to feel that they aren’t worthy of love.  and will, merlin’s oldest friend, was the first of those many characters, and it is so heartbreaking to me that in this instance, the same kind of disinterested and careless attitude towards his worth that dogged him all his life is perpetuated and affirmed after his death.  ‘people are used to ignoring him,’ merlin tells arthur, and merlin is right - even when will is dead and burning, arthur only sees sorcery.  hunith, who we would expect to be more sympathetic, only sees arthur.

merlin is the only one who knows better.  merlin has always known better, and he loves will so much, but he is the only one, apparently, and honestly, after will dies?  nobody else even tries to understand.

to sum up:

hunith and arthur, for all that i love them, are both way out of line at the end of this episode.  

the legacy of this experience, for merlin, is that he spends the rest of his life processing this particular trauma alone.  and that is why i always, always have to keep will and ealdor in the back of my mind when i write for merlin in any capacity - because this event isn’t some simple stumbling block for him; it changes him forever.  it teaches him what he can and can’t expect from the people around him, and it solidifies how irrelevant his own needs are when viewed in comparison with arthur’s, even to people who barely even KNOW arthur; people who are supposed to put merlin first over everything.  it teaches merlin to bury his sorrow, and to wrestle with personal suffering in secret, because if things aren’t ultimately about arthur, then they aren’t important enough to be granted any significant amount of time for merlin to deal with.  merlin’s own grief, even at his best friend’s funeral, takes too long to resolve.  arthur walks away from the pyre, and it’s time for merlin to leave, too.  you’d better be going.

bottom line: i don’t care if other people think this whole ‘ooo, everybody wants merlin to be with arthur’ thing is wonderful or beautiful or dreamily romantic.  it isn’t.  it’s ugly, and it’s cruel, and it stripped merlin of his present identity and his future potential, one stolen moment at a time.

[bagog]

What On Earth Has Happened

Hey, no story here, no experiments. Just a play by play of an awful year in my life. Please don't reblog. Trying to just get it down in one place for people who care about me. Long, sob-story beneath the cut.

Air - 'Things are looking up!' I had started to drift a bit from tumblr. The porno purge came and a lot of my friends trickled off the platform after that. I went back to school, attempting to score myself a Masters degree in something that would pay enough to get me out of Student Debt. I was doing great, picking things up fast. I got a new job at a company doing pretty menial work, but the people I worked with were great conversationalists. The work didn't involve dealing with customers at all, paid well, and was small and accomplishable tasks. Essentially I was being prepped to take a better position at the place once I had my Masters. Covid happened, then. Earth - 'The Whole World Sucks Right Now' My company was "essential," so I continued going to work, now on weird schedules. The company I worked for was profiting off Covid, all the while making fun of it as an overblown conspiracy, even as their own epidemiologist urged them to take better precautions. Work became hard to swallow. Water - 'When your lowest place could be lower' The apartment I shared with my boyfriend flooded. The lowest place in any sewage system is typically the bathtub, such that if it backs up, it does so into that tub. Our lowest point is the toilet. So the apartment flooded. Three times. Roots growing through the sewage outflow meant that, often, you needed to wait a solid hour between toilet flushes, or else the toilet would back up with such gusto the sewage would slosh down the hallway and into the living room. We mopped many times. The problem was finally fixed 8 months later, necessitating our having to camp because our house had no water. Fire - 'To destroy all you've done' One afternoon, I smelled burning. Going to our bedroom, I found our shelf a column of flame. I could barely breathe for all the smoke, but I managed to grab a blanket and beat the fire out. On the other side of the room, the pages of the books upon another shelf had begun to crisp from the heat, the blinds on all the windows were warped. The whole apartment had been about to go up. I'm kinda scared of fire now. Heart - 'When moving is too much to ask' Personal health sorta hit a new low. Migraines kept me out of work for two full weeks. I have seasonal foot pain, I always assumed from hiking for a living in my 20s. Turns out it was gout, all the while. Gout is exceptionally painful: it's like a messy pile of razor blades in the ball of your foot every time you step down. At work, I could barely stand. Walking from my car to the door became something I needed to psyche myself up for. Not a lot can stop a gout flare-up once it's in full swing, so I just had to wait it out. For a month. Two. Some of the worst sustained pain I've been in. Little did I know that, in January, come the kidney stones. Kidney stones feel awful. Feel like total shit. Gout and kidney stones are comorbid--brought about as a result of the meds I take to help me focus. So any day I don't drink enough water is a day when my kidneys or my foot just starts aching. But going back to September of 2020... Homophobia - 'goddammit' Finally things are looking better. I'm limping quickly again. Then I am called into the HR office. I am told that two sexual harassment charges have been brought against me. I'm told that one individual has alleged that I, while in the restroom, used a reflective toilet brush to attempt to peep him under a stall wall. I did not do this. I do not understand--reflective toilet brush?? wtf. The second allegation: I just straight up looked over a stall at a guy. I didn't do this either. I'm asked to defend myself, I ask who or date or time of day. I am given nothing. I remark that I don't think I'm tall enough to see over the stall, and I do not understand about the toilet brush. Of the ten minutes of the meeting, I spend 8 of them trying to get my head around how a claim about a reflective toilet brush has me here. "Would you like us to go now to see if you're tall enough to see over the stall? If that would help your defense?" says the HR head. "Yes, I

would," says I. We did not go. I am told that the accusers have no reason to be collaborating, or to even know each other made a claim. This is bullshit, because it was a company of 80 people, and only a quarter of those employees used the restroom where my alleged harassment was to have taken place. Before I am dismissed from work for the day to go home and wait to find out if I'll be fired or not, I march into the HR office once more and say "I hope none of this is happening because I'm gay." The HR head looks positively offended. I got fired cuz I'm gay. Next day I got a call. They'd come to the "objective truth" (that phrase is burned in my mind), and were terminating me. Apparently they discounted the toilet brush rumor, after all. But they really honestly believed I looked over the stall at a dude. Nightmare - 'No Fear One Fear' Let me tell you something: this is a nightmare. This is my honest-to-god nightmare. I've been terrified of getting accused of something in a bathroom since I was 11 years old. I am incredibly self-conscious and careful in public restrooms. To be fired? From a place full of people I like? And all of them will think I'm a pervert. My boyfriend worked at the same place. He would now have to work there every day dealing with people looking at him and wondering what he must think of his boyfriend. That sent me on a spiral. I'm still out of work, almost a year later. It would have been the worst mental health crisis of my life if it wasn't for my boyfriend, my support network, and the meds I've finally been able to get ahold of. Oh, also. My two accusers? Were roommates. HR knew they were roommates. They basically collaborated on a story to get me fired. The story circulating around the place (I still have acquaintances I talk to working there) has dropped the reflective toilet brush entirely. I guess they thought it was too unbelievable. So anyway, the people who accused me are now telling a different set of events than what I was told. Absolute horse shit. Tried to go to my city's human right's council to see if my situation warranted further attention. I gave my side of the story--including tales of the straight manager who had had enough harassment charges brought against him that he was no longer allowed to meet female staff--which indicated I'd been treated differently and wrongly. My old job made an impassioned argument that the committee violated their First Amendment rights(?) ('Freedom of speech' is the biggie with the First Amendment, for people who cba re:USA). I won the vote!! But one member of the committee was missing. So there weren't enough people for the vote to pass. Dismissed. We took it to the EEOC to make an official federal complaint. Just a week ago, an agent of the US Government patiently explained to us that these laws are literally designed to fuck over the worker and protect the employer unless they are epically stupid, and unfortunately, mine had not been epically stupid. So there's nowhere to go, no recourse to be had. It's over, I guess. Family - 'How to sum it up quickly...' My family hit me with the old soft-disown. No more calls, no more communication. They think they are loving me by not having contact with me. By depriving me of my family, they hope it will make me realize that the path I'm on is destructive, and I'll return to them living an upright life. No. I'm living an upright life, now. And if my family can choose to throw me away, then they are not a family I choose. Then my dad hit me back two months later, absolutely gaslighting me and pretending we never had the disown conversation at all. Reality - 'I don't know who I am anymore' I have trouble knowing what's real, anymore. Every message my dad sends on the surface seems loving and supportive and plaintive. I feel I must be the one in the wrong. I got fired for bullshit reasons. It doesn't feel real. "My family can't possibly have ceased contact with me: that's one of those things I know can never happen!!" But that did happen. So what else that feels real, actually isn't? I do

mean to be so dramatic, and I won't apologize for it. But I truly do feel like my mind has been pretty thoroughly unseated by the last year. Whoever I am, I'm becoming someone different. More distilled, at very least. I've discovered a lot of things about myself: trauma that has likely led to a lot of my mental health problems. Discovered I actually have RAGING ADHD, and it has robber me of a lot of things I wanted to do, and now is sort of consuming me completely. I'm looking for help. Trying to get better. Here's hoping. Every bold point above could be its own book, for all my thoughts about them. But enough of that for now. Love you. Thanks for reading.

[etoileholland]

I will make it up to you

@secretmongereaglegiant asked: Hey, I love reading all your Tom Holland imagines! Could you do one of the boys and Tom’s girlfriend y/n are stuck in quarantine but y/n and Harrison haven’t been getting along and it worries Tom.

Pairing: Tom x female reader

Warnings: angst, a sprinkling of bad words, fluff at the end.

Word count: 4.3k

A/N: My first request! Thank you so much for requesting this! I elaborated on it slightly, but I hope that you enjoy it and that I did it justice. As always, requests are open! And let me know if you want to be added to the tag list 💛

(the gif is not mine, all credit goes to its respective owner)

Although being quarantined wasn’t the best, it did have its perks. You were spending more time with Tom than you had in a long time, and it was nice to be able to catch up on movies and TV shows that you didn’t have time to watch earlier. You were also becoming closer with the boys, and they were becoming more like your little brothers than they were friends.

Except for one.

Even from the beginning, you and Harrison butted heads. You were cut from the same cloth, and it only became more amplified when you were stuck in the same home. It could also be attributed to the fact that it’s already been two months of quarantine, and everyone was starting to become stir crazy.

The squabbles started off small, but as time went on, they became worse.

“I can’t stand you, do you know that?” You scoffed as Harrison stood in the kitchen.

“Back at you princess, I can’t believe we’re stuck in the same home, it’s unbearable.”

“Well it wouldn’t be so unbearable if you actually washed the dishes or took out the trash, or I don’t know, stopped blasting music at 2am when everyone is trying to sleep!”

“I didn’t realise me playing music interrupted your 23 hour beauty sleep. You should shoot for 24 hours instead.” He smirked, and you felt as though you could strangle him.

You stood there for a moment, bringing your hands up in the air, before letting out a sigh.

“Okay I’m going to be the better person here and walk away. You can have the last word.” You made your way out of the kitchen calmly, and were met with Tom standing in the hallway.

“Whoa baby what happened? Why were you two fighting?” He asked as he pulled you into an embrace.

“He just doesn’t do anything useful, you know? I have no idea how you’ve been friends with him for this long.” You spoke against his chest, and he rubbed your back. He paused for a minute and didn’t say anything.

Seeing you two argue broke Tom’s heart, and he realised in that moment that this could be a bigger problem than he originally thought.

“He’s not so bad, darling. You could try to play nice with him for a change.” You scoffed, and Tom just laughed.

“Well he started it!” You whined like a child, and Tom just pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“Doesn’t matter. Anyway, wanna go for a walk with me and Tessa?” He asked and you nodded, grabbing your coat.

—

The next week wasn’t much better. Another argument started when Tom suggested that everyone should watch ‘Knifes Out’ together.

“I don’t want to watch a film with her.” Harrison emphasized, “she talks way too much and gets excited and then you have to rewind it to hear what the actors said. It gets annoying after a while.” He huffed as you crossed your arms over your chest.

“Yeah well at least I’m not a stoic statue of a person who has no emotions whatsoever.” You retorted, and Tom only sighed.

You got up from Tom’s lap and stood up. “I don’t even want to watch the movie, I’m gonna go upstairs and take a bath instead.” You said as Harrison just smiled.

“Thank god, I can’t stand her sometimes.” He tossed a piece of popcorn into his mouth as he pushed play on the film. Tom shot him a glance, and Harrison just shrugged his shoulders. “It’s not my fault you decided to date Y/N, or should I say, the devil in disguise.”

—

A few days later when Tom wanted to exercise with Harrison, you became really clingy with him and insisted that he cuddled with you instead.

“But baby I have to work out, you don’t want me getting all soft and flabby do you?” Tom asked as you placed kisses all along his jaw.

“But I want to cuddle.” You whined as you kissed Tom down his neck. He moaned as he pulled you closer into his lap so that your chest was flush against his. You knew exactly what you were doing, but you just wanted him all to yourself. Also, you were doing it out of spite for Harrison.

“Fine darling you win, I’ll cuddle with you.” You let out a small squeal as you placed a kiss on his lips, before nuzzling your face into his neck.

A few minutes later Harrison knocked on yours and Tom’s bedroom door to see what was taking him so long. He opened the door to see you and Tom cuddling, and he gave Harrison a sympathetic glance.

“Sorry mate, Y/N wants to cuddle right now but I promise I’ll workout with you tomorrow. Isn’t that right angel, you’ll let me workout tomorrow?” He cooed as you nodded your head. Just then, you looked up grinning at Harrison, shooting him a look as if to say “I won.”

Harrison huffed as he walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

—

Tom felt really torn when hanging out with the both of you. You were his girlfriend and Harrison was his best friend, but you two didn’t get along well at all. It pained him to see that you two couldn’t stand each other for more than five minutes. And he felt guilty when he would spend more time with you than Harrison, and vice versa. It never seemed that he could please you both, but he was determined to make it work.

He was worried that the worst was yet to come, but he didn’t anticipate how quickly it would come.

—

As promised, Tom went to workout with Harrison the next day, but you weren’t keen on the idea of not spending time with Tom.

“C’mon Haz, am I not allowed to watch my strong boyfriend work out?” You cooed as you squeezed Tom’s bicep.

“You can, maybe you can even help with my workout, darling.” Tom said as you clapped. Harrison was glaring at you, and you shot him an innocent look back.

“You don’t even need her help! What is she gonna do, help you lift weights or something?” He threw his hands up, already exasperated.

“I don’t know, she can be here for support, isn’t that right angel?” Tom asked as you kissed his shoulder.

“Exactly.” You grinned as Harrison snarled at you.

You were always lurking around, practically hanging off of Tom, and it infuriated Harrison. He just wanted to spend some time with his mate but you were always vying for Tom’s attention as well.

And one day, Harrison set you off completely, and it was almost irreconcilable.

—

“You fucking idiot! I wish I could just go back home and not look at your god awful face every morning!” You chucked his phone at his face, and he barely dodged it. It smacked against the wall, leaving a dent, but his phone was in perfect condition.

Harrison picked up his phone and inspected it before stuffing it in his pocket. “Good thing I have an Samsung, there’s not one crack in it.” He smirked and let out a small laugh. “Unlike your iPhone that fell off the table and shattered into a million pieces.”

“My phone didn’t ‘fall off the table’-” you gestured, making air quotes with your hands, “it was shoved off the table by a certain someone who thought it would be funny to see how durable my case was. It fell outside on the concrete, of course it would fucking break!” You let out a laugh as you became more furious.

“Well then, you should’ve had a better case.” Harrison smirked. He was having far too much fun annoying you, and he began to laugh when he saw how visibly angry you were becoming.

“I swear I could murder you right now.” You sneered, and Harrison only laughed. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re just a conceited asshole, who’s so vain that you have to have constant validation from literal strangers on the internet to make yourself feel better?” You took a deep breath, pausing before you continued. “But the truth is, if the fans actually knew you like I do, they would be repulsed by how unbearable you truly are.” You crossed your arms as Harrison’s smirk dropped and was replaced with a clenched jaw.

You two stood there in silence, and you were starting to become slightly afraid of the man standing in front of you. Sure he was only a bit taller than you, but the look in his eyes screamed ‘revenge’.

“You know what, Y/N? I literally have had enough of your shit as well. Tom thinks that you are a literal angel, but the truth is that you are the most high maintenance, manipulative and complainy bitch in the world. Trust me, I can see why fans are constantly sending you hate and saying that you don’t deserve Tom, because it’s true. You’re just vile.” He emphasized the last word, and he froze as he saw Tom standing there, jaw clenched.

“What the fuck is wrong with you two?” You looked over and saw Tom holding in tears. “Listen, I love you both equally. Harrison, you’re like my brother, and Y/N, I’m madly in love with you. But right now I can’t stand either one of you. The two people I love more than anything in the world can’t get along, and god it breaks my heart.” He sniffled as he wiped away a tear. You took a step towards him but he took a step back.

“I’m pissed off, and I don’t want to do something, or say something that I know I’ll regret. So until you two can get along, I want the both of you to leave me alone. Y/N you can sleep on the couch tonight.” He said coldly as he took another step back.

“Tom.” You pleaded, but he held a finger up.

“I am this close-” he held up two fingers and pinched them together, “to breaking up with you. Don’t say one more word. And you-” he pointed to Harrison, “are getting on my nerves so much that I’m tempted to pack your things and kick you out. I don’t care that there’s a plague going on, I am so furious that I would kick you out in a heartbeat. Why the fuck can’t you two get along?” He stormed out of the room and went into his bedroom, slamming the door shut.

You and Harrison stood there in silence, shocked at what just happened. After a minute, Harrison spoke.

“Shit, we’ve really fucked up now. He never gets this mad at people, and when he does, that means he’s at the end of his rope.” Harrison muttered as you began to cry. “Even if we can’t stand each other, we have a mutual love for Tom. And right now, he’s ready to get rid of the both of us if we continue to argue.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Half the time, our arguing is pointless anyway. How did this even start?” You wiped a tear away from your cheek and Harrison just shrugged.

“Honestly, I have no clue. I think it may be because we’re kinda similar in a lot of ways.”

“Maybe, we’re both slightly passive aggressive.”

“And we’re both competitive.” Harrison replied

“And we’re always vying for Tom’s attention. Does that make us jealous?” You asked, and Harrison nodded.

“I’ve always been jealous, it’s a bad habit of mine.”

“Me too.” You replied as you took a seat at the kitchen island. Harrison pulled a beer out of the fridge. He proceeded to open it and leaned against the counter, taking a long drink.

“You know, maybe we could put our differences aside for Tom. We’re both very important people in his life, and why would we toss all that aside just because we’re arguing? You asked as you massaged your temples. “Can you grab a beer for me please?”

“Since when do you drink? You’re always nagging us to stop drinking because it’s bad for our health.” Harrison replied.

“Yeah well I think the situation calls for it, now gimme.” You made grabby hands as he walked over and handed you the drink. You took a sip and grimaced. “God this stuff is terrible! How can you even drink this?” You scrunched your nose up as you slid the drink over. “I need a chaser, asap.”

Harrison laughed as he reached into the fridge and pulled out a bottle of Coca Cola for you. He popped the lid off and set it down in front of you.

“Thank you.” You took a sip and smacked your lips together. “Now this is better.” You both laughed, and for the first time in a while, you were actually enjoying his company.

“I have an idea.” You stated, which caused Harrison to look up at you. He raised his eyebrow as took another sip of his beer, finishing it before reaching for yours.

“Oh no, what is it?” He asked as you grinned.

“Why don’t we do something really nice for Tom so that he can see that we work together well, and so he’ll forgive us really quickly because I already miss him.”

“Okay, let’s show Tom that we can be friendly so that he won’t kick us out of here!” Harrison walked over and you two high fived.

“So what’s the plan?” You asked as you took another sip of your soda. Harrison pulled up the chair next to you and sat down, contemplating on what to do next.

“I don’t know, maybe we can make him a cake that says ‘sorry for being ass-hats’.” He laughed as you sat there thinking about it.

“Let’s do it.” You clapped your hands together and stood up from the chair.

“You can’t be serious, really?” Harrison asked as you began to rummage around the cupboard for baking ingredients.

“Why not? What have we got to lose? And besides, it would show that we can put our disdain aside and collaborate on something. Can you grab the sugar for me please? I’m too short to reach it.”

Harrison laughed as he walked over and grabbed the bag of sugar for you. “Okay if I remember correctly, Tom loves chocolate cake. Or was it red velvet cake that he likes? Hm I’m not sure, anyway let’s make him whatever kind of cake that we can, with the ingredients we have lying around.” You nodded as you grabbed the well loved cookbook from the counter and flipped through it.

“What do we have in the cupboards? Can you please check love?” You asked Harrison as he let out a small laugh.

“Oh now we’re calling each other pet names? Look at us being amicable, princess.” He added as you let out a laugh.

After a few minutes of searching, you realised you had nothing good to throw into a cake.

“Well, so much for that.” Harrison tossed his apron on the counter, but you had an idea.

“We have an egg, graham crackers and some chocolate, right?” You asked and Harrison nodded.

“Good, I can make a French Silk pie real quick. it’s almost so good that it might make Tom forget how much he’s mad at us.”

And the pie was almost that good. Harrison even surprised the household by preparing dinner. He had made tortellini and garlic bread for everyone, and you had helped with dessert.

“Wow, what happened? And why are you two not killing each other?” Sam asked as he hesitantly took a seat at the table. Harry soon followed as he let out a gasp. “You didn’t kill Tom, did you? Is that why we haven’t seen him all day?” He asked as you and Harrison both shook your head no.

“Well, you see, Tom is mad at the both of us because we can’t get along.”

“He’s ready to break up with Y/N and kick me out of the house.” Harrison added.

“That is true, he did say that. But we’re hoping that he’ll forgive us, and see that Harrison and I are now friends.” He looked at you and nodded, and Sam and Harry just sat there in silence.

“Right, well good luck with that. I don’t think he can be won over that easy.” Sam added as Harry nodded.

Tuwaine came in and took a seat at the table as well. “Oh yeah I heard your argument, it was rough.” He said as he took a bite of the garlic bread. “Damn that’s good.” He said as he took another bite.

Tom came down from his room and stormed past you both so he could grab a glass of water. His face was puffy, and his eyes were swollen and red. You could tell that he had been crying, and it broke your heart that you couldn’t console him. You were the reason he was crying.

“Hey, um Harrison and I cooked for you. We made tortellini, garlic bread, and pie for dessert.” You spoke quietly, as if not to anger him anymore.

“That’s true, we make a good team.” Harrison added as he put his arm around you. Tom stood there expressionless, and just nodded.

“Cool, thanks.” He grabbed a plate and dished himself up. He stormed past you again, making his way back into his room and locking the door. Harry, Sam and Tuwaine all looked at you, pausing, before continuing to eat their dinner.

“Sam, I think you may be right. He’s gonna he mad at us for a long time.”

—

Later that night, after you and Harrison washed the dishes, you tried to get into Tom’s room. You remembered that he said you could sleep on the couch tonight, but you didn’t really think he meant it.

“Tommy, it’s late. Can you open the door so I can go to bed?” You asked through the door, and you heard some shuffling inside the room. Tom cracked the door open and threw some clothes at you, and swiftly closed and locked the door. “I meant it when I said you would be sleeping on the couch tonight.” He replied coldly.

You began to cry as you realised the extent of the situation, and how he was showing no sign of changing his mind. You picked up the clothes and made your way into the living room. It was nearly midnight and everyone else was in their rooms, so you got changed in the living room and crawled onto the couch. You sobbed loudly, letting out little hiccups as you cried some more. A few minutes later Harrison came out of his bedroom, pillow and blanket in hand.

“I’m sorry if I woke you up with my crying.” You sobbed as you rubbed your eyes.

“You didn’t, I mean I could hear you, but that’s not why I came in here. I wanted to say I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for Tom to be so mad at you, and I didn’t think he was really willing to break up with you over our feud.” He handed you the blanket and pillow, and you set them on the couch. “I didn’t mean what I said earlier, I think I was just mad that you were always wanting to spend time with him. You do make him really happy though, when you’re not around he constantly gushes about you.” He looked down and you motioned for him to sit next to you on the couch.

“I’m sorry too, I also didn’t mean anything I said earlier. I think I was just jealous of you spending time with him; it felt like you were taking him away from me. And it’s been hard since I can’t go back home, you know. It’s hard not being around family, and I forget that Tom and the boys are your family. I guess I haven’t really handled this whole situation well, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” You sniffed. Harrison handed you the tissue box and you smiled.

“I’m sorry Y/N for being a jerk.”

“And I’m sorry for being a bitch.” You added.

“You’re not, you’re really good for him.”

“You too.”

You scooted closer to Harrison and put your head on his shoulder. He stroked your hair and placed a kiss on the top of your head.

“Friends?” He asked as he extended his hand out.

“Friends.” You said as you shook his hand, signifying that your feud was over.

“Would you want to watch a movie?” Harrison asked as you moved your head so that you could look at him.

“I thought you hated watching movies with me. I talk too much and get too excited.” You said as he frowned.

“I didn’t mean that either, you’re just really passionate about things and I envy that about you.” He added and you grabbed his hand. You gave it a little squeeze before letting go.

“And I envy that you’re not dramatic.” You let out a laugh, and Harrison joined in. He positioned himself so that he was laying on the couch, and his head was on your lap. You were stroking his head and playing with his hair.

“How about you pick the movie, princess.” He whispered as you grabbed the remote.

“Is Tangled okay, love?” You whispered back and he only nodded.

“Of course.”

A few minutes into the film, you both were starting to get sleepy. You crawled next to him so that you were both laying on the couch next to each other. He put his arm around your waist, and you covered both you and him with the blanket. Before you knew it, you were both sound asleep.

Tom woke up at 3am, and nearly had a panic attack when he realised you weren’t sleeping next to him.

Oh that’s right, I’m mad at my girlfriend and best friend. He thought to himself. His head was pounding from all the crying, and he knew that he was dehydrated. Slowly, he got up, holding a hand to his forehead as he went to get a glass of water from the kitchen.

He walked past the living room, but stopped in his tracks when he saw you and Harrison curled up next to each other on the couch. You two looked peaceful, and Harrison’s lips were curled into a little smile.

He let out a small smile, and a tear escaped his eye. This was the first time that you two had gotten along, and the sight of it made him cry. He tried to contain his crying but he couldn’t, the tears were steaming down his face. He let out a small sob, and he tried his best to not wake you.

You had woken up to see Tom standing there, sobbing. You looked over at Harrison, who was also stirring.

“Oh shit.” You said under your breath. Harrison immediately untangled himself from you as you both sat up. You were expecting Tom to be mad and accuse you of cheating, but instead he only shook his head.

“So, you two really do get along now.” He said as he wiped a tear away. You handed him a tissue and he took it, blowing his nose before tossing it in the garbage.

“Yeah, Y/N and I are friends now. We pushed our differences aside and realised that the other person isn’t so bad.” You both looked at each other and smiled, and looked back at Tom.

“Tommy I’m sorry for being terrible and for not getting along with Harrison.”

“I’m sorry for not getting along with Y/N, she’s lovely and I’m happy she’s your girlfriend.”

“I’m happy he’s your best friend.” You added as Harrison kissed you on the top of the head.

“And I’m sorry for threatening to break up with you, and also saying that I would kick you out. I didn’t mean it at all, and I’m sorry.” Tom let out a hiccup as he wiped a tear away. “Do you forgive me?” He whispered as you all nodded. Tom held out his arms as you and Harrison both went to give him a hug. After a minute and some more crying, you all pulled away. Tom then grabbed onto your waist and pulled you into a long kiss.

“I love you Y/N, so much. I can’t spend any more time without you.” He sobbed as you put your arms around his neck and pressed your lips to his.

“Will you sleep with me, please? I miss you.” He whispered and you replied “Of course.” He picked you up and you wrapped your legs around his torso.

“Harrison, I love you mate.” Tom said, still carrying you as you placed kisses along his jaw.

“I love you too mate, now go get some sleep.” He replied as Tom led you into his bedroom.

—

After this, you and Harrison were nearly inseparable.

“Okay so I was thinking, you could join me on my jog today and then you could teach me some yoga.” Harrison stated as you were all having breakfast. You took a sip of your coffee and nodded. You two were sitting next to each other, with your shoulders touching.

“And after that, we can watch Fleabag together.” You added as he nodded excitedly.

“Oh! We can’t forget about working on that puzzle.”

“And you still have to buy me a new phone, you did shatter mine.” You added as you both laughed.

“With a better case, of course.” He said as you lightly elbowed him in the side.

“Oh, definitely.” You laughed, as Harrison looked over at you and grinned.

Tom sat across from you both as you made plans for the whole day, and a smile crept onto his face.

“Can I join in?” He asked as you and Harrison both glanced at him.

“Hmm, nope, sorry mate. She’s all mine now.” Harrison said, leaning his head on your shoulder as Tom pouted.

“Something tells me I’m going to be the third wheel from now on.” Tom remarked as everyone at the table broke out in laughter.

——

Mes petits anges (taglist): @starkissedholland @scarletxwidow @fangirlwithasweettooth

[lavender-jedi]

Injustice

tl;dr- injustice!wonder woman sucks because no version of diana prince in any universe would egg superman on to take over the world because she’s apparently just wanted power since Day 1

I’m barely 20 minutes into the injustice movie and I’m already done. (Disclaimer- I have neither read the comics or played the games but I am aware of how the continuity/story works. I enjoy superheroes through animation, fucking sue me) Who the HELL thought this characterization makes a single bit of sense for Wonder Woman?! And all of you already typing “it’s an au!” can SHUT UP cause I have REASONS:

- From my understanding, this world is pretty much the same as the normal comics world before Joker pulled the awful shit (this is the main basis of my argument. If I’m wrong and stuff is different before this goes down feel free to tell me, but I’ll still hate it)

- Therefore, I can assume that the characters are all pretty much the same BEFORE Lois and Metropolis go bye bye

- Now, it makes perfect sense that this causes Superman to turn to the dark side (who wouldn’t in his shoes). The movie did a shitty job of showing this shift bc it would be way more compelling if there was more of a descent than a complete 180 but that’s unrelated

- HOWEVER there are absolutely NO reasons given for wonder woman immediately being down for world domination. If anything, it heavily implies that she wanted this from day 1 and is lowkey the person who pushed superman down his slippery slope in the first place. Thus, if this universe is identical pre-Joker then the implication is that canon Wonder Woman is actually super down to take over the world but just plays nice to keep up appearances. 

- I can’t even begin to describe how not Wonder Woman that is. Yes, Wonder Woman will rock your shit if you mess with her too much and she WILL kill your ass if she thinks it’d save lives. BUT a FUNDAMENTAL part of her character is her strong moral backbone. She is the HEART of the JL Founders and she is NEVER one to bend her morals to fit ulterior motives. She does what’s right because it’s fucking RIGHT and anyone who says otherwise can go to hell 

- Those of you who are already typing that I can’t handle a Wonder Woman with flaws can backspace right the fuck now because Wonder Woman is a flawed af character. Sometimes, she’s TOO idealistic, her strong moral character means that if her heart is pulling her the wrong way then nothing will stop her.

- I can totally see how these flaws would EASILY lead her to hopping on the world domination train, BUT it makes no sense for her to be the conductor of said train. I would have pretty much no complaints if the plot clearly shows how the shit that went down and Superman killing Joker dragged her down the same slippery slope with superman into totalitarianism. EXCEPT THATS NOT WHATS DEPICTED

- You can make au versions of characters all day that are vastly different of each other, but all versions of that character HAVE to have the “secret sauce” that ties them to the original character that people found compelling in the first place

- Superman’s “secret sauce” is how he feels responsible for the entire world, so it makes perfect sense for him take over if he feels like thats necessary to protect the world from itself

- Wonder Woman’s “secret sauce” is everything I just said about her. She’s highly idealistic and has a moral backbone of STEEL. THEREFORE, a compelling Wonder Woman dictator MUST truly in her heart of hearts believe that it is the right and good thing to do, and while she says that taking over is the right thing to do it is at BEST showing over telling and at worst implying an ulterior motive that corrupts the very thing that makes wonder woman fucking wonder woman

- In conclusion- Wonder Woman in injustice is sloppy writing at best and a deliberate derailing of her character at worst. Thanks for coming to my ted talk that no one asked for but you got anyway

[dameronology]

london calling {poe x reader} - 1

a modern coffee shop au 

in this chapter: you could have sworn that london was trying to eat you alive. you didn’t ask the universe for a reason to stay in the city but it gave you one anyway - in the form of poe dameron, your new manager. 

warnings: swearing 

this was based off of a dream i had & then @cherieboba​ mentioned an AU...and now we have this. enjoy!

- val xx 

‘Will you watch where you’re fucking going?!’ 

You hated Tuesdays. Tuesdays were truly and completely awful in every sense of the word. They were slightly better than Mondays but still...undeniably dreadful. This one had been no exception. You’d woken up late (and hungover, but that wasn’t relevant) and you were convinced that the Department of Transport had personally paid every single commuter to make your life a living hell that morning. Whatever patience you’d had upon waking up - and trust me, it wasn’t much - had worn completely thin by the time you’d been released from the hellish grips of the London Underground. 

Your main concern was getting to work on time. The start of your shift coincided perfectly with the morning rush - also known as two straight hours of grumpy, uncaffeinated commuters. It was your job as a barista to provide them with coffee and to do-so in a timely manner. Anything less than thirty seconds would often result in a middle-aged, greying businessman coming for your ass. This morning, you were prepared to bite back. 

‘How nice of you to show up.’ 

‘I know, I know!’ You pushed past your co-worker, tugging your apron around your waist as you did. ‘I overslept,’

Finn rolled his eyes at you, shaking his head. ‘Then you owe me five pounds.’

‘Why?’ You grumbled, pulling an order receipt from his hand.

‘The bet, remember?’ He replied. ‘You have officially been late twenty times so far this year.’

You let out a groan, mind going back to New Year’s Eve. The pair of you had made a deal that whoever was the first to be late twenty times owed the other a fiver - and it looked like you would be paying for his lunch today. It was unusual for you to be late so many times in a row but in the absence of a manager or acting boss, you’d let yourself slip a tiny bit. You knew that had to end today, however, because your new manager was due to start. 

‘I’ll give it to you when I get paid.’ You said. ‘My rent is already late and that five pounds could be detrimental-’

‘- I’m just taking the piss.’ Finn chuckled. ‘Get these orders done and we’re even.’ 

He slid you the pile of receipts and you immediately slipped into autopilot. You’d been a barista for the better part of five years by that point; your hands could be at work whilst your mind was elsewhere. That was certainly the case today - your mind was raking through your financial woes and the fact that your rent was due four days ago - as you worked. After fifteen minutes of here’s a small skinny latte for Brian! and a large Americano to go for Roger!, you’d completely ridded the shop of the queue. 

‘Busy morning, huh?’

You peered up from the coffee machine, eyes falling on the man in front of you. He was holding a half-empty cup of coffee, a smile on his face and warm brown eyes examining the mess of coffee and milk around your work station. He had a tangle of messy curls and...well, hot fucking damn. What else were you supposed to say?

‘Uh, yeah.’ You smiled. ‘Highlight of my day, I suppose.’

He grinned at you. ‘Do you enjoy working here?’

‘Yeah.’ You nodded. ‘I mean - it gets stressful but a job’s a job, right?’

‘Right.’ He replied, eyes falling to where your name tag rested on your apron. ‘I’ll see you around.’

Trying to hide the blush on your face, you picked up the empty milk cartons and carried them through to the kitchen at the back of the shop. Finn was already in there on his phone, swiping through Tinder. Your best friend’s love life was often a subject that came up on shift - as far you were concerned, he deserved the world. It was finding the world that was the hard part. 

‘Hot customer alert.’ You greeted him. ‘And I mean hot.’

‘What kind of cute are we talking?’ Finn looked up from his phone. ‘Like...Leo Dicaprio in Titanic cute kind of hot or Leo Dicaprio in the Revenant, large and hairy kind of hot?’

‘Kind of in the middle.’ You replied, dumping the cartons in the bin. ‘He said he would see me around, so I guess he’s a new regular?’

‘Actually,’ somebody else’s voice came from the doorway. ‘I meant see you around as in I’m the new manager.’

You had never wanted the ground to swallow you more. Seriously - if the jaws of death could have opened right there and then, you’d be willing to jump into them with the tip of your hat and a so long, folks! This was definitely the worst Tuesday of your life. That was truly saying something, because you’d spent all of last Tuesday scraping dried milk off of a table. And, the Tuesday before that, you’d got stuck in the doors of the tube on the Jubilee Line and then -

-Not relevant. The presence of other shitty days didn’t erase the fact that you had just called your manager hot and compared him to Leonardo Dicaprio. Right to his face. 

‘Hey, Finn?’ You glanced up at your co-worker. ‘I think it’s time I quit-’

‘- no, I take it as a compliment!’ He chortled. ‘I’m Poe, Poe Dameron. You’re the assistant manager, right?’

‘Yeah.’ You nodded, trying to hide the blush creeping up your cheeks. ‘Unless you fire me.’

‘No, I like a colleague who bigs me up.’ Poe grinned at you. It only made the blush worse. ‘It’s a nice store. I’m excited to work here.’

‘And I assume you know how to make coffee?’ You quirked an eyebrow at him. 

‘I could do it in my sleep.’

You handed him an apron. ‘Brilliant.’

It seemed as though whoever was above had answered your prayers, because another queue quickly began to form and you had to get back to work. Poe and Finn chatted amongst themselves, bonding over the fact that they were both Americans working in London. You, meanwhile, focused on pumping out oddly specific coffee orders. 

‘A hot-but-not-too-hot black Americano for Holdo!’ You called. 

Mrs Holdo - or, Holdo as she insisted on being called - was one of your regulars. She was a high powered business woman who stopped by the coffee every morning. It was usually one of the highlights of working the morning shift. You were convinced she was on steroids of some point because she was the literal definition of a power bitch. The fact she dyed her hair lavender made her even more iconic. 

‘Morning!’ You beamed at her, sliding her drink across the counter. ‘How are things at the law firm?’

‘Stressful, as always.’ She grabbed the cup. ‘New manager, I see?’

‘Oh, yeah.’ You glanced over your shoulder at him. ‘That’s Poe.’ 

‘You talkin’ shit?’ He grinned at you, giving you a wink. 

Once the queue had died down again, you made yourself a coffee. A few people were fluttering about the shop; it was the usual, really. There was a businessman on his laptop at one table and an artist at the next. One of the perks of working in such a central area was all the people you got to meet. It certainly made the job more interesting - and you had a feeling that your new manager was only going to add to that. 

‘So - tell me about yourself.’ Poe leant against the counter next to you, nudging you with his elbow. ‘Other than the fact you think I’m hot and that you probably love Leonardo Dicaprio.’

You let out a groan. ‘You’re killing me, man.’

‘If that’s the case, I hope you get someone to cover your shifts before you die.’

‘Isn’t that your job?’ You shot back. ‘Being the manager and all.’

‘You are my assistant manager-’

‘- no I am the assistant manager.’ You cut him off. ‘And I’ve been here five years so I know all that you could possibly need about running this place.’

‘Mm?’ Poe raised his eyebrows. ‘Care to share?’

‘Finn can’t be on shift with Hux - he’s an irritating part timer, really up himself - because they will kill each other.’ You paused to take a sip of your coffee. ‘And Kaydel is super sweet but she’s always late, so it’s best to put her on afternoon shifts.’

‘Like you were late this morning?’

You groaned again. ‘It was just one of those mornings - it was one thing after the other. I swear it won’t happen again. 

Poe gave you a soft smile, the sarcasm fading from his face. ‘I’m just kidding. Don’t be so hard on yourself.’

With that, he took the coffee from your hand and took a sip. ‘Jesus Christ, what is in this?’

‘Four shots of vanilla syrup.’ You snatched your drink back from him. ‘Let me guess - you’re the kind of guy that exclusively drinks espressos and judges people for adding sugar?’

He simply raised his eyebrows, holding his hands up in defense. 

--

Nine hours later, your shift was finally over; you were closing with Poe, who was currently sweeping the floor and singing I Want To Break Free. Your feet were aching but thanks to the free coffee, you were slightly buzzed. You’d decided that you liked your new manager - there were some pitfalls, however. Watching him flirt with every woman that came in was bordering on painful by the time lunchtime came around. 

‘Rey’s here!’ Finn popped up from behind the coffee machine. He was supposed to be cleaning it, but it looked as though he was counting coffee beans instead. ‘Do I look okay?’

‘No different than usual, Finny.’ You replied. 

Rey was your room-mate and best friend (Finn would argue differently). She worked in a primary school a few streets away from the coffee shop. She usually came in after you’d shut to get a free drink - she also drove to work, which meant you didn’t have to take public transport home. After a nine hour shift and with an impending caffeine crash, being shoved into a small tube carriage was your idea of hell. With that said, Rey’s driving wasn’t much better. 

Fiddling with your keys, you unlocked the door to let Rey in. She looked tired - presumably from chasing after little children all day. You could see a bottle of wine sticking out from the top of her bag. That was this evening’s plans solved. 

‘Hey!’ She greeted you brightly. ‘Hey, Finn!’

‘Rey, hey!’ Your co-worker waved at her. ‘I mean hey, rey!’

‘I’m just gonna clock out.’ You said, glancing over your shoulder at Poe. ‘If that’s cool with you?’

‘God knows, god knows I want to break - oh yeah, that’s fine!’ He suddenly pulled his headphones out. 

‘This is Rey, by the way. She’s an honorary team member here.’ You explained. ‘And this is Poe, our new manager.’

‘She thinks I’m cute.’ Poe grinned. 

You turned to face Rey. ‘I’ll explain later.’

‘Right. Of course.’ She gave you a wink. ‘I went home at lunch to feed Chewy. He’s eaten another pair of your shoes.’

Chewie was your six-month-old border terrier puppy. He reeked havoc pretty much everywhere he went - usually leaving a trail of fur behind him - but you loved him dearly. He’d earned his name after eating through eleven pairs of shoes in his first week at your apartment. 

‘Of course he has.’ You grumbled. ‘See you tomorrow!’

‘See you!’ Finn waved at you, before giving Rey a sweet smile. 

‘See you in the morning!’ Poe called. ‘And be on time!’

tags: @thespareoom @softly-sad @interwebseriesfan24 @yougottakeeponkeepinon​ @princessxkenobi​ @blue-space-porgs​ @cherieboba​ @highlycommendable​

[brooklynboysficrecs]

Ria’s Top 10 Shrinkyclinks Fics

I will admit this isn’t my preferred AU -- I won’t immediately jump on a fic just because it’s pre-serum Steve and WS Bucky. I gotta like the plot, or the premise, or be really, really intrigued by the tags, but to be fair, that’s how I am with everything that isn’t Modern Bucky and Cap Steve, so. That being said, I have read some truly fantastic shrinkyclinks stories, and I do very much love Steven “Fight Me” Rogers at his scrappiest. And these fics also tend to feature protective!Bucky which is another personal favorite of mine. Oh, but also: shrinkyclinks generally refers to pre-serum Steve with actual Winter Soldier Bucky, but a lot of people use the tag just to imply body types, and when they say WS Bucky they mean he’s all huge and muscled and sometimes has a metal arm, though that isn’t required. That’s the definition I’m going with as well, so hopefully nothing’s confusing!

1. If Wishing Made It So by leveragehunters. Before I get into anything about the actual fic, let me say this: leveragehunters is probably my favorite stucky writer. Like, hands-down, I read almost everything they write, and they’re big into fantasy stories, which is a great bonus for me personally. So, so, so many good shrinkyclinks fics by them (Even Underneath the Waves, a mermaid AU that features equal amounts of pre- and post-serum Steve, and A-mage-ing Grace with mage Steve are two of my other favorites, and they would’ve been on the list, but I try not to put more than one story per author, ya know? And IWMIS kinda wins out above the others for me, so). This story features jinn!Bucky who finds himself in the baffled hands of Steve Rogers, who is perfectly prickly and stubborn and good. Bucky’s got a terrible past with humans in general (and Hydra in particular, what a shocker) that he and Steve have to overcome as their relationship progresses, but that progression is frankly beautiful to watch unfold. I come back to this story time and time again because of how much I love these versions of Steve and Bucky getting to know one another, learning to trust each other, supporting each other through the worst the world has to throw at them. Plus, there’s a few more stories in this series if you get as hooked as I am, which is always great!!

2. Roots Have Grown by AustinB. I remember reading this and just... completely feeling what Bucky is going through. Not everything -- he’s an agoraphobic veteran, and I can’t relate to either of those, really, but he’s so... awkward about his crush on Steve. And that’s -- that’s relatable to me. But it’s precious, really, how he tries to help Steve even though he’s afraid to actually meet him initially; he becomes Steve’s sort of... anonymous benefactor? Guardian angel with money? Like, it’s definitely a sugar daddy type deal originally but I doubt Bucky would describe it like that. I don’t know, it’s cute, though, and I loved seeing Bucky opening up to Steve as they became closer. 

3. Through The Woods by VenusMonstrosa, alby_mangroves. Okay, hear me out: werewolves. I fucking love werewolves in fiction; I mean, not really the romance novels you’ll see in the grocery store, but. Werewolf mythology is one of my favorite things, so seeing it in fanfiction almost always manages to lure me in. And I was so not disappointed with this story! Steve’s living alone in a cabin in the woods, which of course sounds like the opening to a horror movie, but here it leads to love. Werewolf Bucky is both charming and terrifying, to a degree, he’s a wolf, but he and Steve are fantastic together. This is another story that goes in on the trust aspect of their relationship and I for one am a big fan of that. There’s some violence, minor character death and the like, but it’s definitely not undeserved so. If you can handle that (and the sex, because there is sex in this) then I highly recommend this one!

4. The Joy of Little Things by obsessivereader, Sealcat. And so we move from werewolves to dragons. Yup. Dragons. Another of my beloved mythical creatures that I obsessed over when I was kid. Bucky’s capable of shifting into a human in this, but primarily he’s a big ol’ dragon that surprisingly doesn’t want to eat the scrawny sacrifice from the local village. Steve ends up working for Bucky, instead, and from there hilarity ensues. Steve’s obviously wary of Bucky, but Bucky isn’t at all what he’d been expecting, and they grow closer the longer Steve’s staying in Bucky’s caves. There are a couple of stories with Dragon!Bucky, but this is my personal favorite; it’s cute and heart-warming and, well. I just really like it. 

5. I Just Want to Love You in My Own Language by agetwellcard, inediblesushi. So this one has Cap!Bucky (Bucky!Cap?) but again, sometimes it’s more about how Bucky looks rather than his role as the Winter Soldier. Anyway, I remember my biggest take away from this story was how adorable Bucky was in his quest to win the affections of sassy Nurse Steve, who patches him up after missions and is probably playing hard to get. Bucky uses terrible pick-up lines, absolutely awful, and he is completely unashamed of that fact. Which is, as I said, adorable. Steve, initially, does not agree with my assessment, but he gets there eventually. After some requisite drama, of course.

6. Tint & Shade by forestofbabel. Oh, god, this one hurt me, I remember that pretty clearly. Bucky is the Winter Soldier in this, and Steve is a 21st century art therapist who just so happens to resemble his late grandfather, Captain Joseph Rogers, who fought in -- you guessed it -- WWII. Like I said in the intro, if I really like the premise of something I’ll usually read it regardless of the configuration of pre-/post-serum Steve and pre-serum/WS Bucky, and this was definitely one of the fics I got into for that reason. Having actual WS Bucky interact with a modern pre-serum Steve is always interesting, given how much they don’t have in common, generally (there isn’t even really the veteran status that modern Bucky sometimes has in fics), and it’s a journey to see how and why they connect. Having Steve resemble his WWII era grandfather caught my attention, and the fic itself made me grateful that I decided to go for it in the first place. This is another one where is trust is key to their relationship, considering the mental/emotional state Bucky is in at the beginning. Very good story overall!

7. Fourth Floor by dirtybinary, mithborien, picoalloe. So dirtybinary has written some amazing stucky fics, which is why I was so excited when I saw this being posted initially (a few years ago, but still). There’s magic! Mystery! Suspense! Some NatSharon! Looking this over, I’m wondering if I should’ve saved it for the Urban Fantasy list I wanna do (and If Wishing Made It So, if I’m being honest) but I do like it for the shrinkyclinks list. The writing is great, the characterization of Steve and Bucky is great, and like, they live in what is essentially a magical apartment complex, so what’s better than that? 

8. my heart tells me you are lonely, too by FanGirling. Alright, so I read this one as it was being published, and the slow burn about killed me. You know, in a good way, though. Bucky lives in Steve and his mother’s apartment building, trying to figure out where to go with his life now that he’s broken free of Hydra and gotten his autonomy back. He’s obviously wary, skittish, but he takes a liking to Sarah Rogers when she reaches out to befriend him, surprised anyone wants to be near him let alone take the time to get to know him. Steve... is not so easily sold on Bucky. And I’m not gonna spoil anything here, but the shit these two go through is intense, and I cried a lot during this fic, sometimes out of frustration because they’re both ridiculous about their feelings (of course Bucky’s fears are valid, the man has been through literal hell, but also I was internally screaming a little as Bucky continually talked himself out of getting closer to Steve.) I wanted to wrap the both of them in about thirty blankets for pretty much the entire length of the fic. God. They’re just -- they’re so incredibly sweet in this one, once they work past their issues (Bucky and Steve are both more than a little messed up from their respective circumstances, but they make it work). Mind the tags on this one, also, especially because there is a chapter that deals with attempted sexual assault against Steve (obviously not with Bucky!), but Bucky handles the situation before anything truly nasty happens, that I can promise. 

9. Local Raccoon Befriends Angry Chihuahua by charlesdk. This is yet another author I really love; they have a fantastic farmer!Steve/Modern!WS!Bucky story that I love to bits, as well as other great fics. But anyway, this one. The title sold me the second I saw it, honestly, I can’t even pretend that wasn’t the deciding factor in me reading this. I don’t think I can really do any better than the summary in explaining why I recommend it; feisty tiny Steve and lovestruck grumpy Bucky are a winning combination in my book. This one does feature the boys dealing with homophobia and ableism, though I can’t recall how severe it is. So I’d just mind the tags, and if you’re alright with them, thoroughly enjoy this story. 

10. The Road to Hell is Paved with Tony’s Good Intentions by pinlilli. Bucky as a mail-order Russian bride. That’s the detail that pretty much demanded I click on this fic, and oh my god, it was even better than I ever could’ve expected. Tony, in a bid to help Steve get over his awful ex-boyfriend (fuck Brock Rumlow in every universe, honestly), literally orders him a husband -- in the form of beefy James Barnes, who is a fucking gem and I will not hear one bad word against him. He does chores, it’s lovely and adorable, and you will definitely fall just as hard as Steve does. There’s some canon-typical violence in this one that relates to James’ past, but nothing super graphic as far as I remember. Again, Rumlow is a dick and should be treated as such, but he’s hardly the most important part of this fic and I urge everyone to take a look at it if they’re as intrigued by Bucky being a mail-order husband as I was. 

[casually-shipped]

Jeff Wittek is DUMB! Means well, but DUMB!

     That interview. Where to begin? The turn this interview took, I didn’t even want to write this. I’m more torn for metoo which is further harmed by, and at the expense of this shit show. From Jeff’s handling of this, to Ethan and Trisha’s involvement in this conversation. Jeff was thrown from the very beginning. He fucked up. As genuine as he wanted to be, Ethan dominated him because Jeff was unprepared. I am shocked Jeff didn’t refresh his memory on the situation, that he would speak out when he didn’t know fully the information to even speak out about. From the moment Jeff released his own video on his YouTube, he was working without the complete information. Which unravels anything he hoped to achieve. 

     I was very disappointed to realize that Jeff is, and was more interested in protecting himself (excluding his employees) his business, than the concerns of any allegation. I’m glad he realized that too, and said as much. I get Jeff, I get his history, and I see how this situation is not easy for someone like him, his self esteem, his past, secrets, and new found success. He wants to protect himself so much, but at the same time protect his friends, those he loves, and the alleged victims, and he is tripping all over himself. For the morons on the internet, in the court of public opinion, this did him and this situation no real favors. 

     Ethan and Trisha are master manipulators, and very smart when it comes to this. Jeff was very much out matched especially with this team up. The worst part in all of this is Jeff resorted to past problematic behavior imo. He lied! You see, when you choose not to speak truth to power, or speak truth out of fear of saying the wrong thing, or to protect someone, you lose credibility immediately. As you should. I didn’t expect Jeff to take this turn, but I can see it because he was backed into a corner, and when this happens to him, this is the result. He panicked, and fucked up. From this point on in the interview when he says he doesn’t remember the photo Ethan showed him, the interview went further down hill.

      The photo was used by Ethan to trip Jeff up. It was a brilliant move, but someone with actual brain cells would know, that the picture wasn’t time stamped. That was an upload time, but Jeff didn’t realize this, nor understood that, so he doubted his own memory, which I wouldn’t be surprised is screwed up especially after his so called “near death car accident.” (EDit: Further analysis, I thought the photo was an upload from a social media site, it might actually be a time stamp.)  “Which means his memory of events are very questionable, but his entire statements are in doubt regardless!”

     Not only did he doubt his memory, but the situation doesn’t truly matter to him because he believes his truth, that he didn’t bother to do the work. It showed. It showed Jeff doesn’t actually believe the victim, and even if he is telling the truth, even if the victim is lying, this isn’t how you handle this situation. Believe victims, for the sake of the movement until proven otherwise. He tried to walk this line, but ultimately failed. He failed to tell the right truth because he doesn’t truly understand this. He shouldn’t have spoken at all to this degree outside of a court of law in the first place, for his sake, his friends, the metoo movement, and the alleged victim.

      Once he doubted his own memory because of the photo and Ethan’s clever rues, he crumbled. From this moment it was very hard to watch. There came a point where it seemed Jeff was trying so hard to distance himself, it really sounded like, and I believe this is what he was doing, throwing everyone who isn’t him under the bus. Intentionally or not, that was publicly damning.  He acted as if there was a cover up that he wasn’t aware of, and tried to protect himself which came across as confirmation of the allegations. Which again began to destroy public confidence and his credibility. As well as his character. He quickly became an unreliable source. If Jeff wants to remember where he was, if he had his location turned on his phone, he can look up his location from that time maybe? lol Just a thought! Well, the authorities will anyways. 

     Ethan’s way of asking questions was to project a truth that he believes or wants people to believe and plays off that. He makes people think that his opinion or point of view is fact, as well as making shocked faces, using certain tones and inflections, being accusatory, twisting words, ignore and not following up statements, moving past answers in favor of his own answers, talking over Jeff and retailing Jeff’s point of view and the point of view of the allegations, with his own narrative. At points Trisha did the same, which Ethan allowed and played off of. This interview was a hit job, not getting any other side or truly getting to the bottom of something. Ethan disgusts me! This interview DISGUSTED ME! If you can call this an interview outside of an opportunity for exploitation, and monetization. After the interview even began to make jokes was disgusting do to the serious nature of all of this.

      I’m glad I powered through the interview because it was so cringe, too cringe, but I got through it. What a waste of time. I walked away knowing more than I thought I would, but I put myself through mental anguish just to end up with more questions. I have an idea what Jeff is hiding about his eye. I have many theories about Jeff, and David. These theories is pretty eye opening for me when it comes to this situation. I do still give credit to Jeff and surprisingly even Trisha for this situation to a degree. Trisha will however always be trash for me. But she isn’t wrong about how David in some ways treated her, even if it was mental health driving her physical, emotional, and mental abuse towards others and Jason. There’s just no excuse for her. No excuse for David either. David is and was a very insensitive self involved individual. To the point where his pranks deffinetely crossed a massive line. Brandon even thought he was a psychopath, he truly believed it. David had to beg for forgiveness and say even sorry to his parents for what he put Brandon through. An emotionally traumatizing moment. Shit like that David needs to own, and hasn’t.

     If what happened with the victim happened, then she as well as everyone involved has to speak out. Even if it didn’t! That’s just doing the right thing for the movement. Let’s say the victim messed up her story or is lying? You still treat this with the respect it is owed until it becomes a criminal case, or defend yourself in court for defamation and we hear otherwise. If you have privilege then you will gain back anything you lost when the truth is finally known, if you are innocent. Some thing you don’t allow to play out in the court of public opinion, literally fuck the public, it’s the only way to protect victims and the movement from being destroyed by outrage cancel culture, the way it has been. David and others who were there, not speaking is a mistake. However, I disagree with how far you have this conversation. Jeff in my opinion has gone a little too far. Some truths you keep to yourself, even if it makes you look bad, until court. It comes out then not before to respect the victims involved publicly as well as the movement.   

     What are my final thoughts? Personally, I don’t really know what to believe. I in all honesty am not sure I truly believe the victim, but, I choose to because of the movement, and that I wasn’t there. So I don’t know shit! But if you want just my honest opinion, I believe Jeff wasn’t involved in that way, I also don’t believe David would go as far as being insinuated, he’s dumb and careless, but not that. But even then, who really knows? Anything is possible. I just don’t think that part of the story is correct, but that’s just me. I have always at that time when I saw this vlog, thought it was faked. I remember David peaking and nothing was happening. They were all dressed, but that could have been shot at a different times, again no one knows. This is edited footage here.

      David in the past has been involved in edgy sexual content when it comes to consent. Heath (and I can’t remember who else it was, maybe Zane,) were in a hot tub clearly drunk, and David used that moment when they kissed for a fun video moment and that was a moment David took advantage of for content. They may have consented for that video to be uploaded after the fact, but it seems David has always had a problem with consent, AFTER THE FACT! I do believe David has grown and changed a lot, but he still imo hasn’t come far enough. There are things he still needs to take accountability for, and he never has. His video, very much wasn’t that. The whole situation is just awful. I can however mimic some of Ethan’s words at the end to Jeff. I hate Ethan, but damn if he wasn’t right. Credit where credit is do. But fuck Ethan! David HAS to treat this issue with more respect that it is owed!