#this series is where i learned the word “autonomy” so i had to use it :) idk these books helped my english so much | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

redstringraven · 2 years ago

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an excruciatingly long ramble about the ‘03 turtles and the enneagram 🐢💙 pt3

[ intro + disclaimers post ] [ pt 2 - raph ] [ pt 4 - don ] [ pt 5 - mikey ]

leo, 1 with a 2 wing

intro

to reiterate some things i said in raph’s post, where i believe raph starts the series at his lowest point, leo ends the series (in terms of this project) at his lowest point. leo seems to be in his healthiest state in seasons 1 and 2, which will be reflected in the security section of this post, and the first half of season 4 is when we see him at his worst. while i wish we’d gotten to see more of a ‘full arc’ for each of the boys, i’m glad we at least got to see it for one.

speaking of ‘one’ (haha, segue!), let’s take a quick look at a 1's basics. i’ll be following the same format i did for raph’s post, so feel free to revisit his should you need a refresher on terms.

bare basics of the 1

1s are one of the three compliant types (along with 2s and 6s), and they’re members of the gut triad (made of 8s, 9s and 1s).

i realized shortly after publishing raph’s post that i never explained what i meant by him being an 'assertive type', and it’s as i bring up leo that i realize i should have elaborated a bit. if you’re reading these as i publish them, it’s now been added in this section of raph’s post.

when i say that 1s are 'compliant types', i mean that they’re people who move toward others. they like to be of service to the people around them. this isn’t to say they’re blindly compliant in a literal sense to other people, more so that they feel the need to obey internalized rules, principles and other dictates they’ve learned in their childhoods.

as previously mentioned, members of the gut triad seek autonomy and they’re concerned with control of their environment and resistance. 8s externalize it, 9s forget it, and 1s internalize it.

a 1’s basic fear is of being ‘bad’; defective, evil, or corrupt

their basic desire is to be good, in balance, and virtuous; to have integrity

they believe they’ll be okay so long as what they do is right.

childhood take-aways

we return to the quote from master splinter at the start of things change (s1ep1):

“your path in life will not be an easy one. the outside world will not be a friendly place for you. you four are different in ways the surface dwellers would never understand. to survive, you must master these skills i teach you: the powers of stealth and secrecy. you must become kage, shadow warriors, and you must never be discovered by the outside world.”

i think it could go without saying that the turtles’ lives as kids had to’ve been chaotic from the word ‘go’.

you’ve got master splinter single-parenting four boys (all while dealing with his own grief and newfound human-level intelligence), having to hide from the rest of the city’s population, living in the sewers with limited resources, knowing that you’ve only got each other because the surface dwellers will never accept you, the reason you’re even learning ninjitsu is so that one day--should you ever be discovered--you’re capable of defending yourself, the list goes on.

additionally, in attack of the mousers (s1ep3) when master splinter states that april knowing they exist puts them in great danger, leo points out that she was in danger. raph then asks master splinter “yeah, aren’t you always teachin' us to try and do the right thing?”.

from this we learn that on top of teaching the boys ninjitsu, splinter is teaching them morals. you could argue that this is obvious since they’re aware of the concept of ‘honor’, but i think it’s important to distinguish that this is an unwarped version of ‘honor’ (karai is an example of that, but we’ll get to her). they’re not only being taught how to survive and protect themselves, but they're learning the differences in right and wrong in ways that extend beyond themselves and their own needs or goals. when it comes to leo and his 1 this is important to keep in mind.

in a similar way to 8s, 1s often grow up too quickly. young 1s might respond to chaotic conditions around them by becoming hyper-responsible or taking the place of the voice of reason in their families. they develop a sense of seriousness and adult responsibility at an early age. they understand that their parents (their ‘protective figure’) expect a lot from them, and it’s not uncommon for them to take on those expectations earnestly. this allows them to establish some sense of autonomy and boundaries--both of which are important to their type.

1s as children will often try to surpass what is expected of them by adhering to self-inflicted rules so rigorously that no one will be able to catch them in error. this will earn them their independence. they feel they have to come up with a better set of rules for themselves than that of their protective-figure, so they will be capable of deciding what is right or wrong.

leo seems to acknowledge his need not just for order in his profile, but also the need to make up for any ‘slack’ left by his brothers. he states that he’s not trying to be perfect, just ‘perfectly proficient’.

…leonardo, my love, i’m gonna give you a chance to hear yourself say that again. this isn’t only alliteration, it’s also synonymous.

leo can be seen practicing ninjitsu outside of ‘normal training’ at least once every season, something we rarely see his brothers doing (raph exercises, mikey will sometimes 'train' but it seems more like raph or a brother was looking for a sparring partner and mikey isn't taking it seriously, and don almost never trains in his free time).

in meet casey jones (s1ep4) he’s practicing his split-kick. at the start of city at war (s2ep14) he’s trying to do the whole… spinny-stab the target thing. he’s the one training at the start of the time scepter episodes (his episode being s3ep22), whereas his brothers are engaging in their individual interests. there are multiple examples to pull from in season four, but i think the example that speaks blatantly to the 1’s need to not just meet their expectations but to surpass them is found in the ancient one (s4ep14). he demands of master splinter “when are you going to teach me something i don’t already know”. this is, however, a bit complicated as it occurs when leo's in his most unhealthy state.

we've seen in flashbacks, specifically mikey's from tales of leo (s1ep19) that leo has always taken ninjitsu and his training seriously (and, we can assume, those lessons in morality and honor). he feels he needs to surpass splinter’s expectations, as well as pick up the ‘slack’ from his brothers. looking back to his official profile, he states "i must be there to compensate for their lack of focus".

i feel the need to quickly point out that don, mikey, and raph pursuing interests outside of ninjitsu is NOT "bad". through the mind of a 1, however, these 'distractions' might keep them from meeting what's expected of them. not being able to meet expectations is 'bad'.

1s need to be good. if no one else will do it, they step up to the plate. even if it's not what they want to do, they believe it's what they should do. what they need to do.

leo as a 1

1s can sometimes be nicknamed: ‘the perfectionist’, ‘the reformer’, ‘the idealist’, ‘the judge’, ‘the critic’, or ‘the motivator’.

an ‘average’ 1, in terms of mental and spiritual health, can be described as having a judging or comparing mind that is almost magnetically pulled to notice errors and imperfections. they struggle to accept that mistakes are inevitable, that perfection is an unreachable bar, and they fear the tyranny of their critical inner voice. because, and i cannot stress this enough, where Pinocchio might have had a nice little cricket as his voice of reason and consciousness, 1s have a critic that perches on their shoulder just beside their ear and points out every little thing ‘wrong’ around or with them. in attempting to create their own brand of perfection, they’ll cultivate their own hell instead.

1s believe that being strict with themselves and achieving self-discipline will justify themselves in the eyes of those around them, as well as in themselves (and you need to remember that word: justify). neatness and order are often comforting to 1s; it makes them feel safe and less anxious.

1s want to be good people. they always want to do ‘the right thing’. should a stranger on a stormy night board a bus and express need for warm food and shelter, any 1 aboard that bus would believe it was their responsibility to ensure that person received proper care and safety; it’s the correct, responsible thing to do, and we should all expect it of ourselves.

i always get profoundly sad whenever i see people harping on leo in the 03 series or saying that his personality is just ‘the leader’ or that he’s boring. 1s are more than capable of being goofy, sarcastic, and playful--and we see leo tap into this part of him several times throughout the series! but that inner critic, the voice in their head warning them not to be caught slipping up, can be deafening more often than not. due to the nature of the series, we only really get to see the turtles "in a situation", NOT during downtime. leo's 1 has to be engaged... someone has to be taking things seriously, after all.

it's also important to note that being responsible, doing what’s expected of them (be it the expectations of others or of themselves), is one of the ways that 1s say “I love you”. they may not vocalize this often, nor be the most physically affectionate, but a hug from a 1 comes in many other forms. you just have to pay attention. an example from one of my books is to imagine what may have happened in your neighborhood during a major storm. after it blew over, your house was the only one with power and heat because your parent, who is a 1, bought a back-up generator years earlier and regularly checked to make sure it was properly serviced and fueled. that’s a hug from a 1. they’ll keep track of your doctor’s appointments, they’ll find ways to make life work on a budget, do whatever they can to make the world a more comfortable and secure place for you.

returning to leo’s 03 profile, he states that he trains diligently and reads up on strategy to better prepare himself and his family for times of stress. since this is a way that 1s express their love, it’s no wonder that the events of exodus damaged leo as much as they did; him 'not being capable or prepared enough' keep his family safe means that he fell short in more ways than just skill or ability. what if they start to think he didn’t love them enough to do more?

leo’s relationship with karai throughout the series can really underline his 1 and his need to maintain his integrity as well as do what’s right. there are multiple instances where choosing to do nothing would have removed her from the chess board: letting her deal with the fallout of her plan in city at war (s2ep16), from saving her from falling to her death in be-jing (s3ep15) to going out of his way to save her in hun on the run (s3ep18) despite the protests of his brothers, to--once again--catching her from falling to her death in exodus part 2 (s3ep26).

karai even remarks in that episode of exodus that he’s “much too kind”. (you’re goddamn right he is, this boy has a fear of heights and you’re constantly falling from shit, yet he snatches you out of the air anyway even at the risk of his own safety tf).

1s with 2 wings are sometimes nicknamed ‘the advocates’. average-health 1s of this subtype are active and outgoing people. they are comfortable being alone, and do require a good deal of “down time” to recharge and think, they’re energized by engaging with others and refining their ideas. when on the healthier side of a 2, they can be quite extroverted, helpful and empathetic. under the influence of a 2, these 1s are more sensitive to the needs of those around them. on the low side of a 2, however, they can be more critical and controlling. they feel strongly that they need to make a difference and try to accomplish too many tasks in one day, and they can be much more fiery and action-oriented than 1w9s.

healthier 1w2s can blend their quest for ideals and higher principles with higher empathy and compassion for others. they’re genuinely interested in improving mankind and are more willing to get into the trenches to bring about the changes they seek. people of this subtype are persuasive and go out of their way to get others to care about the causes and beliefs they do.

i didn't do this with raph since don and mikey will serve as explanations for the thinking triad, but we don't have any turtles whose core type is on the feeling triad. since leo and don both have wings in the feeling triad, let's do just a little briefing here while we're on the subject of leo's 2 wing.

types in the feeling triad (2s, 3s, and 4s) are concerned with love of a 'false self' and their self-image. they seek attention and have issues with identity and hostility, and often times they struggle with an underlying feeling of shame. 2s focus outwardly on the feelings of others; they need to feel needed. leo may not have a 2 as a core number, but having a 2 wing means he's often influenced by that type.

stress & security numbers

leo’s stress number is 4; he'll begin to adopt negative traits associated with 4s when stressed or in an unhealthy state of mind.

that inner critic gets louder and louder, and the 1's desire to ‘fix’ the things around them goes into overdrive. they can become resentful toward those around them for having fun, become sensitive to criticism and will often become depressed. they may even begin to feel unlovable.

in times of heightened stress, 1s might not only lean into the 4’s habit of daydreams and fantasies, longing to be free from the things they consider their obligations and responsibilities, but their inner critic will ridicule them for it. they’ll begin to have profound feelings of guilt and shame, they'll garner an even deeper resolve to hold those desires at bay and deny themselves things that could bring them happiness and peace. they’ll begin to believe that no one understands them or sees how hard they’re working. they’ll grow moody, melancholic and withdrawn. all that discipline and self-control will collapse into frustrated feelings of envy and resentment. it could lead to emotional outbursts and hostility, and should they be questioned about it they’ll only become more self-conscious and self-controlled. when a 1 finally blows a valve, someone almost always gets burned.

some examples of leo’s 4 showing up are:

his frustration toward splinter at the beginning of the shredder strikes (s1ep10)

multiple expressions of hopelessness and sadness about getting home to master splinter throughout the space arc (s2ep1-4); raph is often the one assuring HIM

his nightmare throughout darkness within (s3ep14) and how it potentially, if you squint, ties into his apology to master splinter at the end of exodus (s3ep26) when he says he failed him; that nightmare came true

…do i even need to mention anything from the first half of season four, or do we just already know

leo’s security number is 7; in a healthier state of mind and spirit, he takes on the positive traits of a 7.

similarly to how don and raph have common ground beneath the surface, i think leo and mikey shake hands on that front as well. which just makes me all the more feral about mikey having leo’s back in the first half of season four. leo’s security number being a 7 means that mikey’s stress number is a 1. whether mikey knows it or not, i think this link helps him connect with leo easier than don and raph can (this isn’t so say they can’t, of course, just that it comes a little more natural for mikey).

as we’ll cover in mikey’s post, 7s are much more perceptive than people assume they are. mikey not only knew leo was struggling with the weight of his self-assigned responsibility, i think he understood it on a deeper level.

in a healthier state, the 1’s inner critic will get quieter. they become more self-accepting, fun, spontaneous, and willing to try new things. they’re more curious and optimistic, more able to relate to the perspectives of others. they learn to relax their guard, allowing themselves be affected by reality (to go with the flow) without needing to tense against it.

it’s as they learn to distinguish themselves from the voice of their inner critic that a 1 will begin to experience the qualities of a healthy 7: open-mindedness, curiosity, enthusiasm and joy. “there is a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in”.

some examples of leo’s 7 coming to the surface are:

the “your reign of terror is OVER, stockman” in attack of the mousers (s1ep3)

telling a foot ninja they don’t take kindly to shop-lifters in a museum (s1ep6)

throwing a vehicle-chair at a triceraton whilst telling them they look tired and should have a seat (s2ep2)

giving raph fucking SPOONS for weapons (s2ep3)… the absolute mad lad, he really said “here lmfao” and gave his brother soup utensils to fight 8 foot dinosaurs. for the meme. an entire utility closet of potential weapons… and he gave the boy spoons. because he knew he’d be fine.

letting casey sweat while enemy GUNS were actively pointed at him in the golden puck (s2ep18) jesus christ

the rooftop race with raph in touch and go (s3ep8) and telling him to “step it up, sNAIL BOY”

leo’s 7 surfacing will never not make me violently affectionate toward him. every silly quip and one-liner and bad pun and terrible impression of professor honeycutt (s3ep5), like, bye, i need to sign the adoption papers immediately. it’s not easy for him. and i love that there’s almost always an awkward quality to it because he’s out of his element--he’s letting himself be… stupid. imperfect. lame, even. and, god, is it cute. i’m so endeared. i gotta lie down.

cardinal sins - 1 and anger

while the 1’s cardinal sin might be ‘wrath’ or ‘anger’, a truer word to their experiences is ‘resentment’.

their anger is directed both at themselves for failing to live up to their ideals and expectations as well as at others for what 1s see as laziness and irresponsibility. this could be anything from a classmate not pulling their weight on an assignment to someone 'breaking the rules' at a checkout line (this line is for ten items and under, you clearly have thirteen).

as 1s become less healthy, they begin to displace their anger onto others as they make themselves the only judge of who is right or wrong; they grow more irritable with others as they seem to be getting off the hook without consequence. they often will feel that those around them aren’t taking an equal share of the responsibility and seem to be having all the fun. but, unlike an 8 who chooses anger in place of what they're really feeling, 1s don't want you to know they're angry. because being angry is 'bad'.

where 8s externalize their anger and 9s try to forget it, 1s will hide theirs away beneath the surface, where it will begin to express itself to everyone around them in smoldering resentment.

anger is often a secondary emotion; it’s a way of resisting an attack on our integrity and--when fully experienced--it is instantaneous and short-lived. however, when we resist it or hang onto it, it cultivates into obsessive thinking, emotional constriction and physical tension. 1s, seeing anger as something ‘bad’, will experience their anger without identifying it as such. they’ll deny their anger, stating things like “i’m not angry, i’m just trying to get it right” or “i’m not mad, i just don’t understand”.

in short, leo would be that dad who tells you he’s not mad, he’s just disappointed. [everybody disliked that]

1s will also often try to find a cause or a reason in order to justify their anger; something they can fight but in a way that is ‘good’. that way their anger ‘makes sense’ and isn’t 'selfish', they’re angry for a good reason, and they have something to act on.

i think we get our first real glimpse of leo’s cardinal sin as early as the shredder strikes (s1ep10). master splinter tells him that if doesn't learn there is no 'superior weapon' and that ANY weapon can be deadly in the right hands, then he will have learned nothing. leo then goes topside to blow off steam. and while verbally expressing his frustration--sorry, i mean confusion, he's not MAD he just doesn't get why he's 'in trouble' when his skill is the best it's ever been--he slices up a pack of helpless newspapers who were just minding their own business.

resentment is described as “bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly”; in leo’s mind, he thinks master splinter is treating him unfairly. telling him that despite all his training and all the work he’s put into ninjitsu that if he doesn’t understand the value of a weapon is in its wielder he’s learned NOTHING. "master splinter just doesn’t understand how important these swords are to me!". that’s a bit of leo’s 4 showing through: no one gets it, no one understands me.

as we mentioned with raph, i’d like to also take a look at the other cardinal sins attached to leo’s core type. his 2 wing, stress 4 and security 7 would give him pride, envy, and gluttony respectively.

city at war

ah shit… here we go again.gif

we talked about the build up to city at war in raph’s post, so i don’t think we need to do that a second time here. both because… none of the facts and details of the timeline change with the shift in perspective, and because that history leading into the events of city at war don’t necessarily influence leo’s 1. the most important connection when it comes to leo is the fact that the major players in the city are in a turf war because the balance of power is now unstable.

leo’s seeing the effects this power struggle has on the city--and the innocent people living in it--and his 1 can’t help but draw a thick, red line from ‘we killed shredder’ to ‘we caused this and this is our fault’.

he tells master splinter that he’s confused in s2ep14; he thought things would change for the better after they defeated the shredder, but they seem to only be getting worse. he states “don’t ask me to explain how, but it feels like our fault”. and WHO understands what he’s talking about?? mikey. the other turtle with a 1 connected to his type; he's engaging with his stress number while raph leans fully into his 5.

leo decides to directly disobey master splinter, stating that he CAN’T do ‘nothing’. it wouldn’t be right to just shrug and turn a blind eye to this.

and i just have to point out… for pete’s fucking sake, boy’s about to throw himself into a building of foot ninja. ALONE. after just last season facing them and almost DYING because of it. he’s about to put himself through that trauma all over again--WILLINGLY--because he just... can’t shake this feeling that this whole thing is their fault. they have a direct connection to this domino effect as far as he's concerned, and it's his responsibility to fix it. SOMEONE has to.

we’ll never know if the turtles’ involvement up until karai’s appearance in new york actually did help or if it just added more fuel to the fire, but i think leo in a lot of ways would have been doomed to just keep digging his heels in and trying to 'help'. because as things would get worse, it would just solidify his worries even more.

we can’t even really determine if helping karai was the best move because her plan BASICALLY failed, and they only made it out of there alive because raph and master splinter showed up with the element of surprise. once again, there’s too many moving parts, too complicated of a situation to play the “what if” game, everyone was stupid and lucky. mikey’s not wrong when he says karai’s plan kinda stank.

…speaking of.

i guess we should talk about karai

yeah, you can’t really talk about 03 leo without acknowledging his relationship with karai. i’m not gonna dwell on this too much, because this post ain’t about her, but for full disclosure karai is one of those characters i very much want to like but… girl. stop it. get some help.

karai tests leo’s 1 in a lot of ways. we meet her, of course, in city at war (s2ep15). it’s kind of an unsettling return to the shredder strikes in an odd sense, as leo is once again given the offer to join forces with the foot (only with the illusion of grandeur swept away). this time around, it’s not only in the hopes of giving balance back to the city and its inhabitants, but also an olive branch between the foot and his own family. no revenge for the shredder's destruction.

because you know. he's totally dead. ...totally.

buuuuut. rogue in the house (s2ep19) happens. rest in peace, zog. the foot have very much NOT kept their word, as the boys intercept a fake master splinter meant to expose and destroy them from the inside. karai is tasked with killing the turtles herself as proof of her loyalty toward the shredder (and that warped sense of 'honor' meaning she's bound to serve him). and when confronted with this she even kind of blames leo for the position she's put in, stating she wished he wouldn't have come here [taylor swift's look what you made me do playing in the distance]. like... sweetheart, darling, gravy, we wouldn't be here if y'all hadn't offended our dad by trying to kill us with his likeness!

leo gives her the option to do the right thing and let him live, and she does. at the end of part two (s2ep20) she doesn’t report them having survived the ship sinking.

i can’t help but wonder if leo sees himself in karai (this is not me saying karai is a 1, mind you).

like, in the sense that ch’rell almost tricked him into joining the foot, ch’rell took her under his wing when she was young. only... she didn’t have a family to pull her out of the illusion and bring her back to reality. when you’re looking through rose-tinted glasses, all the red flags just look like flags. no one was there to help karai take hers off after ch’rell took her in. she still thinks she’s fighting that greater evil instead of realizing that she's fighting alongside that great evil.

and leo keeps getting glimpses that she knows something’s wrong. be it sparing his life and not reporting them in rogue in the house, thanking him at the end of hun on the run (s3ep18), or knowing that shredder’s actions are putting the citizens of be-jing in great danger (s3ep15), it’s clear she has SOME moral compass buried under everything ch’rell has taught her and lead her to believe.

the 1 in him can’t abandon her. it wouldn’t be the right thing to do to turn his back on her when there are still signs she can be helped. so he keeps extending her that hand. he keeps trying to get through to her and lower the bridge. until she finally burns it down, herself, when she tries to wipe out his family in scion of the shredder (s4ep15).

i know she gets a bit of a redemption arc in s5, but... as stated in my disclaimer post, the majority of my attention and weight is given to seasons 1-4. frankly, i feel the damage is done. karai’s doubled down, and leo’s resentment toward her--for allowing herself to become no different than ch’rell, for going back on her word personally (the shredder is gone and she's no longer 'honor-bound' to his orders) and trying to kill his family herself--is going to be a hard, hard thing to mend.

it's sad. i say that genuinely.

the first half of season four and… yeah

so back in raph’s post i listed some words to describe 8s at their healthiest and at their unhealthiest. let’s take a look at 1s.

1s, at their healthiest, can be described as accepting and wise. evaluating, reasonable, principled and responsible. but at their unhealthiest, they can become self-righteous and inflexible. obsessive and contradictory. condemnatory and punitive. the first half of season four is just a slow, painful spiral of watching leo becoming more and more withdrawn, more self-punishing, and more angry.

things start relatively ‘light’.

in cousin sid (s4ep1) through sons of the silent age (s4ep3), leo’s less angry and more just… distant and sad. this is like the calm before the storm. we see him disengaged a lot, not really paying attention to the conversation around him and often times staring at his own reflection. his 4’s habit of slipping into daydreams and wallowing in melancholy has him stewing over the events of exodus--replaying them again and again in his head as his inner critic scrambles to point out everything he did wrong and invent what he “should” have done. he even says this himself to april, that he can’t stop thinking about it. that no matter how he tries to rationalize or, quote, “JUSTIFY” it, he wasn’t good enough. remember what i said back in the earlier sections of this post? 1s feel the need to justify themselves in the eyes of those around them, as well as in themselves. leo can't find a way to do this with how exodus played out. he wasn't prepared enough. he wasn't good enough.

dragon’s brew (s4ep4) is where the calm ends and the storm begins. we start the episode off with casey confusing leo for raph. leo’s anger is starting to bubble, but his 1 doesn’t allow him to just sit there and be angry. because being angry is not ‘good’. so, we gotta do something with that anger in order to justify feeling it. …oh, look. there’s been a lot of crime lately. could be a new threat. don’t like that. …who can i snoop around with who won’t ask questions? who won’t try to get in my way if i get a little excessive with burning off this not-anger i feel?

casey.

problem is, like we mentioned earlier in the cardinal sin section, anger is only short-lived when you allow yourself to feel it and let it go. when you try to smother it--try to put it away and call it something else--it contorts into something worse. as master splinter said in s1ep4, “rage is a monster that will destroy you from within”.

… …foreshadowing is a literary device wh--

grudge match (s4ep6) is where the storm is here, and now there's resistance to it. like i said in raph’s post, this is where raph first confronts leo on his change in attitude, albeit master splinter interrupts this. at this point, mikey seems to be the only one connecting dots. like i’d said, his type having connection to a 1 might make understanding leo come more naturally to him than to raph or don or even master splinter.

we get, just… a great bit of dialogue here when looking at them from an enneagram lens.

leo: …no. like pushing yourself beyond your limits. to a place where there are no limits. to be so focused, so ready that nothing and no one will ever catch you off guard again! mikey: um. …we still talking about me, here?

this exchange is great for two key reasons:

(one) you’ll remember what i said in the childhood section of this post about 1s adhering to self-inflicted rules so rigorously that no one else will be able to catch them in error, and

(two) that mikey IMMEDIATELY realizes leo is projecting. he just doesn’t address it directly because that’s not how 7s operate with heavy or hard topics (we’ll get to that).

leo continues to either reframe or relabel his anger and obsessive training into something else during bad day (s4ep8). he describes it as ‘doing what he has to to keep this family safe’, despite that master splinter is giving him one hell of a side-eye and radiating sure, jan energy.

in dragons rising (s4ep10) the boiling point is on the horizon. leo lashes out at his brothers, verbally, reprimanding them for taking everything 'too lightly'. they only stopped HALF of the dragons. they need to stop treating ‘this’ like it’s all a game.

in samurai tourist (s4ep13), we get to see mikey once again being the most empathetic and understanding of leo’s current mindset, directly pointing out that leo often "picks up their slack" so they can do whatever they want. things are bad enough that master splinter has reached out to usagi as an effort to get through leo's walls. usagi almost… ALMOST gets through to him.

he’s been in something similar to leo’s position, understands and empathizes with the rationale of self-blame. for the first time, leo’s talking to someone he admires and looks up to who is ALSO on common ground with him. you could argue that master splinter should be able to fill this role, but if i may point out two things: not only is usagi more a peer than he is protector or mentor or parent, but splinter was also just a normal rat when he was unable to protect yoshi... i doubt leo would want to listen to that be given the same weight.

leo's even about to open up when they’re interrupted. that interruption leads into a fight with an assassin… a fight that, unfortunately, only seems to affirm how leo feels about needing to protect his family, needing to be ready at any and all times, and never being caught off guard again.

the valve finally bursts in the ancient one (s4ep14).

this is leo’s lowest moment in the series… and it’s a parallel to raph at his worst moment all the way back at the start of the series. leo loses control of his temper, and he lashes out, physically, at master splinter. his rage and resentment--be it with his brothers for “”treating this like a game”” or with himself for not “”being good enough”” or master splinter drawing attention to his anger, questioning it--is destroying him from the inside.

leo only begins to finally heal after he allows himself to not only feel all of that anger in its earnest, raw form, but also expresses it with every literal fiber of his being.

seeing his warped memory, interpretation, whatever you want to call it of the events of exodus is just… a lot. i don’t really have the vocabulary to articulate that experience, of having stewed over something for so long that you’ve rewritten events so pressure and expectations were placed on you that were never there to begin with. don, mikey, raph and master splinter never said any of those things in exodus, but at this point that’s how leo remembers it.

he not only fights the golem physically, but he’s verbally airing out that he did everything. there wasn’t anything else he could do, and the golem is WRONG in thinking that there was. and when he sees himself under the dirt and clay... it clicks.

in those last few moments of the episode, he acknowledges that he’s been obsessed, convinced he wasn’t good enough, that he was angry, and had become his own enemy. accepting the reality that he DID do everything he could and that it was enough, and flowing with it rather than bristling and tensing against it and punishing himself for it.

the scene ends with the ancient one telling him a story of when master yoshi, someone leo has respected and possibly idolized from splinter’s teachings, was also at a crossroads “not dissimilar to his own”. more assurance after usagi that he’s not alone in this, and even someone he holds in such high regard as yoshi has also struggled but found a way to be okay with imperfection.

he’s not hiding the cracks anymore. he’s looking at them. accepting them. and he’s letting the light shine through.

conclusion

as mentioned in part 1, the two books i referenced and heavily pulled from in the more enneagram-focused sections of this project (the parts where the enneagram itself is explained rather than how it applies to the turtles) were:

the wisdom of the enneagram by don richard riso & russ hudson

the road back to you by ian morgan cron & suzanne stabile

again, i don’t really know how to end this. i may not be a 1, but i have a 1 wing, so… while i don’t feel what leo feels to the same intensity, i get glimpses of it in smaller doses. it’s a lot of self-inflicted pressure, a lot of stress, and a lot of anxiety. i hope the next time someone catches themselves getting bored or irritated with the guy that this post opens a bit more empathy to him. kid’s doing his best, and a 1’s inner critic is relentless.

if i have anything more to add, i’ll include them in addendum posts and link them to this one.

we’ll be moving on over to don with the next post. if you made it all the way to the end of this post, thank you so much for reading/engaging with this wild project of mine and here: please have some brownies fresh outta the oven with a splash of vanilla ice cream, if you’d like. see you in the next one!

#tmnt 2003 #tmnt 2k3 #tmnt leo #tmnt leonardo #tmnt #;hannah's meta #;tmnt #;leonardo #;tmnt enneagram #[ i know i said raph's would probably be the longest but i might have lied... ]#[ anyway as i was revising the last paragraph of the final section the owl house finale epilogue music #started playing on my ambient music playlist and now i gotta go cry ]

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procrastinatingsoicanreadfanfics · 1 year ago

Text

heorte til heorte: ch. 3 — cnawan (to know)

summary: alethia offers ecbert her terms. athelstan falls ill. when he recovers, fate strikes alethia down instead.

warnings: cw for pregnancy related stuff and illness. also angst. again.

tagged: @levithestripper @demon-of-the-ancient-world

series masterlist | general masterlist

Alethia

She looked from Ecbert to Athelstan. He had prepared her for this, that the day would come where Ecbert would want a return from his investment. And one month after her arrival, she could express herself well enough for Ecbert to pull her to the table of reckoning.

A scroll was laid out in front of her, one of Ancient Roman Gods.

“Can you name them?” Ecbert asked her. The king was the only other person outside of Athelstan who did not speak with her like a child.

“I can.” Alethia replied. The king made a gesture for her to begin. Alethia only shook her head.

“Are you refusing?” Ecbert asked.

“No, but I will not give you all this knowledge for nothing.”

“Is it gold you want?”

“You still think me an idiot?” Alethia continued. “Come on.”

“Name your terms.” Ecbert replied with narrowed eyes.

“A sword. The right to carry it. Autonomy, not that of an Anglo-Saxon woman, but that of a man.”

Ecbert laughed, and next to her, Athelstan tensed. “Some would call that blasphemy.”

“I am not Anglo-Saxon. There is your explanation.”

“Done. You will have autonomy.” Ecbert replied. “Though I do wonder where you learned a word you have no use for.”

“I wish to train in the courtyard, and to have food and shelter provided in this villa. Athelstan has similar intellectual abilities, and I want to work and be provided for as such.”

“Athelstan has been much more useful to me than you.” Ecbert said.

“And you consider him your equal, at least when it comes to gender.” Alethia replied bitterly. She was lucky to have him as her teacher. He had taught her all the terms she needed to win this argument. “You do not know what I do.”

“Done and done.” Ecbert finally agreed. “You overreach.”

“I will continue to do so. You have given me the tools to survive outside your villa. Let me return the favor you gave me instead of making me leave.” Alethia shot back. For a moment, she looked to Athelstan for reassurance, who only nodded with a small smile. “I am a healer. I must admit that I snooped around in your monk’s storages. They are shit. I can do far more than that. In return, there is one thing of utmost importance.”

“You insult my monks and their skills, and yet you wish to ask for more.” Ecbert replied nasally.

“God, King Ecbert, please get off your high horse.” Alethia sighed. Ecbert raised a brow at the unfamiliar phrase, but she ignored him. Her heart beat in her chest, and she wished that Athelstan would say something to give her strength, or courage.

“I am with child.” Alethia confessed. There was a pregnant pause in the room, Ecbert looking to Athelstan, no doubt to see if he had known.

“Interesting.” He commented dryly, so arrogantly that Alethia wanted to strangle him. This was about her livelyhood, and he did not give a singular flying fuck.

“I was married. The child is not one born out of wedlock.”

“And even if it was, you would make sure that that would not matter.” Ecbert noted, his voice now dripping with arrogance. He was so proud of himself for thinking Alethia predictive that it almost made her laugh.

“My child will be seen as a trueborn one.” Alethia continued anyway. “I will decide if they shall be christened, and if the child is a girl, she will be granted the same autonomy as me. My child will enjoy the same safety as me.”

“And in return?” Ecbert asked.

“I will pass on my education to them.” Alethia replied.

“That is not enough.” Ecbert said. Alethia thought for a moment. She knew what he wanted. Safety, security that she would keep her word. There was one thing Ecbert meant for her to put on the table.

“The child will be a ward of the crown of Wessex.” Alethia blurted out, offering up her own baby. Next to her, Athelstan tensed. Ecbert’s eyes glinted with amusement, and Alethia knew the deal was closed.

“What do I want of your child?”

“A child with such knowledge? You know what you want from them.” Alethia replied. “Isn’t that all you want?”

“Great men are those in pursuit of power.” Ecbert drawled again.

Alethia stood, holding out her hand. “Done?”

“Done.” Ecbert said, taking it. Alethia shook his firmly, squeezing too tightly for just a second. Next to her, Athelstan had balled his hands into fists. Alethia stayed where she was, watching Ecbert turn his back and close the door of the library behind him to leave her and Athelstan to their lessons.

She steadied herself on the wooden surface of the table.

“What did you do?” Athelstan asked.

“I saved my child.” Alethia replied. “Now, what of our lessons?”

“You are cold.”

“Calculating. Cold is what men like Ecbert use to insult women like me.” Alethia said quietly. “I did this because I know that I can save my child.”

“Can you?” Athelstan asked.

“You lived amongst the Vikings, did you not?” Alethia countered, and he nodded. “There, I have a chance to be safe with my child. There, my skill at arms may count for something.”

“How?”

“Teach me their language. I know yours now. Instruct me in theirs, and when the Northmen return, help me go with them.”

“I’d rather you stay here.” Athelstan mumbled quietly.

“Why?”

Athelstan did not reply. Alethia wrung her hands together, sitting down on the tabletop and looking at Athelstan.

“Will you go North again if you get the chance?” she asked finally.

“I don’t know.”

“Would you, for me?” Alethia prodded carefully. It was too far, and they both knew it. Athelstan had no reason to go with her. Alethia had no reason to ask.

“Not for a stranger. I would go for Alethia Stahl, if I knew who she was.” Athelstan said.

“I told you already.”

“You told me everything and nothing at all.” Athelstan argued. “I will not force you, for that would be like forcing the sun not to rise in the morning sky. Yet, the sun can kill and she can nourish. It all comes down to the man beneath her, and whether he can understand her.”

Alethia took a breath, and it felt like the first in months. Athelstan cared, she understood with a sudden warmth that made her feel a little less angry.

“I am not from anywhere here. I am… from a place that is unreachable. It is beautiful and terrible, and it is my home. I have been parted from it for years now. Back then, I never understood that that place was my home. I do now.” Alethia began.

“I know.” Athelstan said, and Alethia understood it was the truth.

“I was taken from that place by forces I could not understand. The place I went was… more brutal. Cold. It was so cold, Athelstan, you would not believe it. I fought in a war that was pointless, and then one that saved humanity. But that was pointless too, because I lost him . I married Jon the day before the battle. I did not know I’d be with child. We were… we were so careful except for once and now I am… well, you know. His sister threatened me into keeping it, so I did. I thought I’d stay in Winterfell- I thought I’d be able to raise my child there. But here I am, pregnant and with only one friend.” she said quickly.

“Who?” Athelstan asked.

“You.” Alethia replied. “We are friends, right?”

“Yes. Yes, I think we are.” Athelstan said slowly. “But you just told me what happened to you, not who you are. What do you love, Alethia?”

“The water. I like to swim.” she said, perhaps too quickly, because Athelstan gave her a small smile. Alethia felt her face grow warm, and she looked at her hands, neatly collected in her lap.

“I like to sit in the sun sometimes. Not for too long, just for a little while. I like sparring with my friends. Not for war, but for fun. To get the energy out, you know? I prefer cats over dogs, but wolves over cats. I have two tattoos!” she said, quickly pulling back the sleeve of her dress to reveal the direwolf tattoo above her elbow. Athelstan examined it in awe, but as she made to show him the one on her leg, he demonstratively looked away.

“How respectful.” Alethia teased.

“No, uh, just very celibate.” Athelstan stuttered. Alethia snorted, then, she grew more serious.

“Can you fight, Athelstan?” she asked.

“Yes. With axes.”

“Will you spar with me? Not in the courtyard, outside the villa. Perhaps we can go to the woods.” Alethia asked.

“There are guards, you know?” Athelstan reminded. Alethia leaned down, narrowing her eyes at him.

“I am a soldier, and a ranger. Trust me, I know just how good King Ecbert’s guards are.”

“Worrying.” Athelstan commented.

Alethia pushed herself off the table, and stood in front of him, holding out her hand. “Yes or no?”

“Fine.” Athelstan agreed.

And indeed, Alethia had little difficulty to slip past guards, taking with her a sword and two small axes. Athelstan nervously looked around, but followed her regardless. Outside of the villa, he began to smile.

Alethia twirled the guard’s sword in her hand, testing out the somewhat terrible balance. Across from the little clearing Athelstan had pointed out to her, he tried the axes.

“Ready?” Alethia asked.

“We’ll see.” Athelstan simply replied, stepping closer. Alethia swung, and there was a quick exchange of blows, Athelstan parrying her swings as best he could. Alethia stepped backward, observing him.

“You normally fight with a shield.” she said.

“They don’t store viking shields in the villa.” Athelstan replied. “This’ll do.”

“Then keep your bad hand up. Make the second axe your defense, not your attack.”

“I thought this was for fun?” Athelstan asked, and Alethia stepped forward, trying a few swings.

“Thought I’d help you stay alive a bit longer.” Alethia replied. She parried two of his blows, stepping out under the third, and held the blade to his throat. Athelstan raised his hands.

“Let’s go again.” Athelstan said, eyes set onto her sword with determination. Alethia noticed that it had begun to rain (again), but she nodded.

Three rounds later, and the ground had turned into a muddy slide. Athelstan was starting to get warmed up, his axes becoming a bigger and bigger pest to Alethia. To her surprise, he swiped at her feet in the fourth round, trying to kick them out under her.

Alethia stumbled backwards, surprised. The mud was making her slip, and before she could go down in defeat, she grabbed Athelstan by the collar. He let out a surprised shout, but went down with her.

On the ground, his hands stopped him from colliding with Alethia next to her shoulders, his face mere centimeters from hers.

Alethia could read the surprise written in his features, and smirked, legs wrapping around his waist, flipping Athelstan into the mud until he was under her. Quickly, she grabbed her sword, and pointed it at his throat again.

“Yield?”

“Fine, you win.” Athelstan replied, half-rolling his eyes. Alethia got up, relieving the pressure from his stomach. Athelstan stayed in the mud for a moment, closing his eyes. His face was tense.

“Are you hurt?” she asked. Athelstan shook his head, getting up.

“Just cold.”

It sounded like a lie, and that worried Alethia.

Athelstan

He was alone again, back in the monastery in Lindisfarne. The storm outside made waves crash against the coast, lightning illuminating his bedchamber. Athelstan stood, making his way to the common room.

There, his brothers were huddled in a circle, praying. Father Cuthbert looked up as he entered, staring at Athelstan with accusing eyes.

“You have forsaken your vow, Brother Athelstan. What have you done?” he spat. “You have turned away from us, and condemned us. Judgement is upon us all!”

Athelstan wanted to turn away, to run from Father Cuthbert and his dead brothers, but the doorway was blocked by a hulking figure clad in furs.

The eyemakeup told him it was Floki, the hair Rollo, the shield Lagertha - but the eyes, those were Ragnar’s.

“Leave me alone.” he told the Norseman. The creature did not respond, his mouth splitting into a cruel grin. That was Ecbert’s.

The Viking raised his sword above his head, ready to bring it down like an executioner. Athelstan closed his eyes, unable to move. He was going to die.

But the killing blow never came. When Athelstan opened his eyes, a monstrous wolf fought with the Viking.

Fenrir, Athelstan thought distantly. That is Fenrir. This is Ragnarök. He shuddered as he thought of the end of the world.

Which godly father would judge him, a traveler?

The wolf consumed everything around him, and Athelstan waited for it to consume him too, but the pain never came. Just as the sword had never cut him, the wolf never bit. Instead, it sat back on its haunches, and stared at Athelstan.

Athelstan noticed Fenrir’s eyes were red. Demonic.

“I don’t… I don’t understand.” Athelstan whispered. Around him, the melody of an unfamiliar song filled the air, and Athelstan turned towards the door again. He slipped outside without a problem this time. He took the steps down the coast, until he stood on the beach.

Athelstan was afraid of the ocean. The melody grew louder, and he took a step, and then another, until the cold water was just about to touch his skin. He looked down, at the scars on his feet.

“Why are you afraid?”

Athelstan turned, looking at Alethia.

“The ocean makes me afraid.” he said. “It is so… endless.”

“Aren’t we all?” Alethia whispered. She offered her hand, and Athelstan took it, letting her pull him towards the water. It was not cold.

Alethia let herself fall backwards into the waves, diving into the water, and Athelstan followed. There was no need to come up for air. Under the water, he could suddenly open his eyes.

Alethia was right in front of him. Her hair floated around her like a halo, and still, the melody continued. She smiled, pulling him towards her again. There was no need for words. Her white nightgown billowed out around her, hiding her legs as she swam past him.

Still, Athelstan felt himself blush.

She sunk lower and lower, and Athelstan wanted to follow. But Father Cuthbert’s words echoed in his mind, and immediately, his throat tightened and his lungs were empty.

Athelstan swam to the water’s surface, where it was cold. The melody was still there, but Alethia was nowhere to be seen.

He took another deep breath, looking for the melody.

When he opened his eyes, it was still there. Athelstan felt his muscles tighten uncomfortably as he turned, trying to remember where he was. Foggily, he recalled that he had caught a cold after staying in the rain too long. After that, there was not much, only that he had stayed in bed and had some young monk watch over him.

The monk was gone now, replaced by Alethia, who was still humming. She was half-turned away, the scar not visible on this side of her face. It wouldn’t have made her any less beautiful.

Athelstan pushed away the thought. He tried to remember his dream. He knew that she had been in it, too. God, what was going on?

He focused on her hair, a blond so dark that it was almost brown. She braided it a little like Lagertha, only less extravagant. Some of it fell down her back, and Athelstan thought for a moment that he would like to brush it.

It was almost unbearably shameful that he remembered precisely how she smelt - of fresh linen and the sea, and perhaps something medicinal beneath that. He knew how that smell came about because he knew she had a strange obsession with bathing, one that she observed almost every day - even worse than the vikings.

Athelstan knew that she preferred lavender soap, and he had smelt that, too. It was too easy to be close to her when he spent so much time sitting next to Alethia and teaching her how to speak.

And, God, he wished he did not know that her eyes were green like the leaves of an apple tree in the orchards. Athelstan wondered if her lips would taste like lavender or apples, too.

No. He did not. He could not. He turned, and the sound made Alethia pause.

“You’re awake.” she chirped. She turned, and from where he was lying, Athelstan could see the small bump beginning to protrude her dress. It was a good reminder of who she was.

“Yes. The song…” he began.

“Oh, you heard me. Thank God I wasn’t singing.” Alethia laughed nervously, grabbing something from a place he could not see.

“What is the song… what is it called? What is it about?”

“It’s just some old love song. ‘Wicked games’ or something.” Alethia shrugged. “My friend liked that type of music, and I just had it playing again and again in my head.”

“Can you translate the lyrics?” Athelstan asked, and Alethia smiled. She sat down on the side of the cot, the mattress dipping under her weight. Athelstan tried to move away without her noticing, but of course, she did. Her green eyes narrowed, but she said nothing. Athelstan could see the hurt in her eyes, and he wanted to take it back.

He needed to preserve his dignity. The state he was in… the fever…

“A lot of it is just ‘What a wicked game you play, to make me feel this way’. Around that lyric.” Alethia told him. “But the song itself begins with ‘the world was on fire, and no one could save me but you.’ I guess I like that part.”

“Waiting for a saviour?” Athelstan asked.

“Not in the story way.” Alethia replied.

“In what way?” Athelstan continued. He needed to know. Just in case something happened to her.

“Want someone to take care of me.” Alethia muttered under her breath. Then, she helped him sit. “Here, I made you some tea. Sweetened it so the taste will be alright.”

Athelstan took a sip, tears immediately pooling in his eyes as he swallowed. “Oh God.” he muttered.

“Too spicy? I can add milk, but that’ll reduce the effect.” Alethia replied.

“Why would you burn my tongue like that?” Athelstan sighed. Alethia stood, quickly grabbing something before she returned.

“You’re congested. Heard you struggle to breathe in your sleep, and the spice will make your nose run, but it might help with the symptoms.” Alethia explained, handing him a cup of milk. “There, kiss to make it better.”

She was joking, Athelstan reminded himself, and he was a monk.

Had been once, at least.

“Are you alright?” Alethia asked worriedly, and Athelstan was quick to nod.

“Don’t think you’re getting out of your lessons.” he teased.

.*.*.*.

A day later, he was able to crawl from the cot to get dressed, finally not shivering whenever a gust of wind hit him. Athelstan went to the library first, searching for the last few scrolls he’d transcribed, before he waited for Alethia to arrive.

Usually, she was overly punctual, joining him long before the lessons already began, but today, an empty seat next to Athelstan and a plain piece of parchment told him that she was late.

Athelstan felt nervous at the thought. He picked at his skin, pulling it up for a moment.

Where was she?

He smoothed out the parchment, straightening out the place the chair stood and got up, wandering around the library. By now, Alethia was truly late.

He waited. He waited until the church bells tolled and it was eleven in the morning. Now, Alethia was an hour late.

Athelstan’s feet carried him to the roman bath first. They hurt, the scars almost itching. It was not a real sensation, but telling himself that did not make it any better.

The roman bath was empty, and as Athelstan walked into the courtyard, all he saw were the guards and the farmers, but not Alethia. It was a beuatiful day, the sun shining brightly and Athelstan was reminded that Alethia loved the sun.

It was easy to imagine her standing there, in the middle of the courtyard, green eyes closed as she turned her face to the light and held her palms out with that small, abashed smile on her face.

And yet, her phantom shadow made him worry.

Athelstan rushed back inside, practically running through the villa. Alethia was nowhere to be found.

Had she overslept? Perhaps she had caught his fever, and was still in bed. The monks had told him that Alethia had practically spent all of her waking hours looking after him and scolding them for not treating his fever properly. Yes, it was possible that she had come down with it.

He’d never been in her bedchamber. It was not right of him to go there, to invade her space.

Athelstan walked the long corridor towards it anyway, pausing at her door to knock. When he did, there was no response.

“Alethia?” He asked. “Are you well?”

There was a sound of rushed movement from within, and Athelstan sighed with relief.

“You’re late, you know?” He teased lightly.

“I know. I’m sorry.” Alethia replied from within, her voice sounding thick. There were a few fast steps, and the door opened, Alethia’s face appearing on the other side.

Her skin was blotchy, as if she had spent the entire night crying, eyes swollen and puffy.

“Are you alright?” Athelstan asked. Alethia nodded quickly, turning away from him and disappearing back into the room. The door swung open, and Athelstan allowed himself to lean onto the doorframe.

The room looked entirely as he had imagined it would. Alethia had tossed her bedsheets around messily, barely covering the mattress and leaving her cot unmade. In her window, she’d hung dried flowers, her sword leaning against the foot of the bed. There was a small table, covered in scraps of parchment, a vase of flowers pushed into one corner, a small candle into the other.

What Athelstan had not expected is for the room to smell of blood. He paused, watching as Alethia limped towards her trunk and pulled out fresh sheets, carelessly throwing them onto the cot.

Athelstan made his decision. He crossed the doorstep, and entered her room. Alethia turned, her eyes filled with tears as she looked at him.

“What is going on?” Athelstan asked. Her lip quivered, and she shook her head, balls of her hands digging into her eyes. Alethia turned herself away from him in an act of self-preservation that he understood only too well.

He touched her shoulder, gently taking her hand. Alethia pulled away, but he saw the speck of blood on her sleeve anyway.

“Alethia what did you…?” He began. When she walked away from him, a trail of blood followed her. Athelstan felt sick, suddenly.

Image be damned, he closed the door of her room, shutting the world out before he turned back to Alethia. She was sitting on her cot, staring at the wall opposite of her somewhat lethargically. Athelstan could not look away from the red stain on her sleeve.

He knew Alethia had been covered in blood before. She was a soldier, she had fought. Still, that had never seemed quite real to him. Not when he knew who she was.

A girl that loved the sun should not be touched by violence.

“I’m sorry.” Athelstan said, because he did not know what else to say. On the wooden floor, blood began to dry into the planks.

“Oh, stop saying that. You don’t even know what you are saying when you do.” Alethia whispered. She was trying to sound mean, but it was not working. Athelstan knew he had to make a choice, right here.

He could continue to be frozen to the ground and stare, eventually leaving Alethia to resolve her pain by herself. Or, he could show her the same compassion she had when she’d barely known him.

Athelstan wanted to be someone important to her. He crossed the distance, taking Alethia’s hands. This time, she let him. Athelstan noticed the dried blood that was crusted under her fingernails, but he said nothing.

Then, he noticed that the basin of water at the head of her bed was red too, a small pile of pinkish fabric piled up next to it. The same dark-stained fabric peeked out under the haphazardly thrown sheets on her cot.

Athelstan leaned over the edge of the cot, carefully lifting the clean linen and old sheets up. His heart dropped as he pulled the sheets away.

Alethia’s mattress was stained a dark red, blood spreading out from the center.

“What…? Alethia, are you hurt?” He asked, turning back to her, trying to search for any visible injuries.

She did not reply. Instead, Alethia stood and hugged him. Her hands wrapped around him, but she was trying to hold on, not to hold. She was shaking like a leaf, and, when Athelstan returned the hug, she sobbed.

Athelstan did not ask. He did not apologize. He waited.

The sobs only got worse, and Athelstan, hesitantly, let his hand touch the back of her head, cradling it gently. He had seen Ragnar, Floki, Lagertha, even Rollo, do it with the people they loved. It was the right thing to do, right?

He wished he knew. This was one of the things the monastery had not been able to teach him.

When Alethia cried even more, he thought he’d done something wrong. Instead, Alethia hid her face in his chest. She was warm, like always, but Alethia did not smelt like lavender soap today.

She smelt like blood.

The injury was hers. How was she still standing after so much bloodloss?

“You have to tell me where you are hurt. I am afraid you’ll die.” Athelstan whispered.

“I lost it.” Alethia replied. She was still holding onto him.

“I don’t understand.” Athelstan said. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what you mean.”

Alethia let go of him, and Athelstan immediately felt guilty. Sadness for her constricted his throat, making it hard to breathe. He wanted to see her smile again. Why did he want to see her smile?

Slowly, Alethia pulled up her dress to her knees. Athelstan looked away.

“Didn’t have time to clean all of it.” Alethia said. “I’m sorry. I was going to come to the lessons, but I… I don’t know why this- it hurts my soul more than my body.”

Athelstan looked, then. Her legs were covered in blood. It ran down her calves, and from time to time, some of it would drip on the ground. What injury hurt the soul more than the body?

This… it looked excruciating.

And then, Athelstan remembered something.

Once, when he was still very little, his mother had spent three days in the straw, barely moving. He’d helped get rid of it afterwards, and noticed how red it had turned under her. Not soon after, his father had sent him to the monastery.

His mother had never said goodbye. She hadn’t been able to, his father explained.

Lagertha had acted like that once, for a little while. She’d lost her son, and Alethia had lost- she’d lost-

Athelstan tried to breathe.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated, and God, he wished he knew what to say. “Alethia, I am… I wish I knew what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.”

They sat in silence, shoulders barely touching. Alethia was still crying silently.

When the bells tolled for midday, Athelstan stood, his joints cracking. Another hour had passed, and he knew that today, there would be no lessons. He was glad that he’d been forced to notice what had happened to her.

Athelstan did not say anything as he collected her dirty linens, piling them in one corner of the room. He left quietly, returning with fresh water to clean the blood off of her floor. Alethia watched him with tired eyes.

When Athelstan found her bloodied shift, the one she’d presumably changed out of quickly to hide what had happened, his heart broke for Alethia. Both the sleeves and the skirt were still drenched in red, and the smell of death clung to the garment. Alethia blinked as Athelstan tossed it to the dirty sheets.

“Burn it, please.” She whispered. He nodded. When all of it was done, the only reminder of what had happened was Alethia. The blood was still clinging to her ankles, her fingertips, her legs. Athelstan helped her up from the cot.

“What is it?” She asked. “Don’t make me eat now. I cannot face the rest of them.”

“You will not.” Athelstan promised. He helped her out of her room, and they slipped out of the villa quietly. The sun still shone, spring beginning to make itself known in Wessex.

In a few months, the Northmen would return to raid. Athelstan still had time to prepare Alethia, and himself.

Alethia still struggled to walk, so Athelstan hoisted her arm over his shoulder, taking her to the small creek where the washerwoman scrubbed the linens and the wool. They were all eating now, taking their break.

Still, Athelstan found a more secluded area, hidden by trees and tall grass, where he set Alethia down. He turned away, sitting on the rocks around the creek but looking away from the water.

“Thank you.” Alethia said, and from behind him, Athelstan heard water splashing. He pushed the soap towards her blindly, preparing the towel so that Alethia would not have to think about it.

“Athelstan?”

“Yes?” He asked. There were a few beats of silence, and Athelstan waited for them to pass as they stretched into eternity, making his heart beat painfully quickly. Was she alright?

“Do you think I am ugly?”

Alethia sounded earnest. There was no teasing, no light tone, but the sadness from before had disappeared a little.

“Who called you ugly?” Athelstan asked. He knew what the guards whispered. He had heard Prince Aethelwulf talk down on Alethia. They all looked down on her scar, her roughness. She was not pious, not soft - at least, that was what they thought.

Athelstan was almost proud that he had found out about her gentleness, one that was so similar to that of Lagertha or Helga.

“Am I?” Alethia asked again.

“No, I don’t think so.”

She laughed softly. Athelstan wished that he could wake up to that sound.

No. No, he was just letting the events of the day getting to his head. Besides, he was barely healthy again.

“Turn around.” Alethia said, and Athelstan almost choked on his spit.

“Don’t worry.” She laughed. “I’m still in the water. You won’t see anything. Not here to make you stray from the righteous path.”

You already have, he thought. Still, slowly and cautiously, he turned. Alethia had rested her head on her hands, blue ink coloring the space above her right elbow.

“Thank you.” She said. “Thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me, Athelstan. I am sure you have saved me.”

Athelstan felt his cheeks grow warm under her praise.

“Let me help you.” He said, nodding to the tangled knots in her hair. Alethia raised a brow, but she nodded, turning her back to him. Athelstan touched her cautiously, as if she was fragile. He knew she was not, but he thought that, in that moment, she would appreciate it.

It was almost impossible to detangle the knots in her hair, but Athelstan had time, and water. However cold it was, Alethia had not yet begun to chatter, so he worked with gentleness opposed to efficiency, combing out her hair until it fell down her back. Alethia dipped under the surface of the water, presenting her hair to him for soap.

He touched it again, and still, the action felt so right and so utterly depraved at the same time that Athelstan wanted to disappear. The foam hid her hair, and Athelstan carefully swiped water over it until her hair was clean again.

“Thank you.” Alethia repeated, and Athelstan thought that he wanted to get used to that phrase from her.

In the villa, Alethia disappeared into her room again, but only after Athelstan had made her assure him of the fact that she was alright. Alethia had promised.

He barely made it out of the corridor before King Ecbert turned the corner, stopping Athelstan with a firm hand on his shoulder.

“How interesting,” the king began. “That you should make your student your companion, Athelstan.”

“She is nothing to me.”

“Nothing?” Ecbert asked, his features unbelieving. “Nothing at all?”

“Nothing but a friend.” Athelstan replied.

“In England, men and women do not intermingle like that.” Ecbert said. “I understand. Those who do not know of the Norse culture you absorbed may not. Remember that.”

“Of course.” Athelstan said. “Apologies, my king.”

“No worries. There was something else I wanted to ask you about…” Ecbert began, and Athelstan followed the king with a sigh. He only hoped that Alethia would feel better soon.

#alestan #heorte til heorte #vikings fanfic #athelstan #alethia #alethia x athelstan #alethia stahl #ecbert #vikings #history vikings

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ravencromwell · 11 months ago

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All right, Shades of Magic fandom, let's talk about the Lila and Holland in White London au possibilities. Because there are some visceral similarities between those two consummate survivors: compare Lila's coin to the beggar boy and pursuit of the street rats in her second pov to Holland's attempt in the first Athos pov to get Beloc out of the king's cross-hairs when Kell arrives at the court by asking if there's somewhere he should take the boy (which Athos shoots down with unholy glee and a comment about Holland's defiance.) No matter how much Lila doesn't realize it, they share a brusque kind of mercy. And then, then! there's that fascinating interchange between she and Kell where she talks about the power of killing her father—loathing the mess and the blood, but liking! the power of having used her blade to defend herself! She straight up asks him if this is what magic feels like, and he thinks perhaps in White London; fuck, the aus practically write themselves.

The Barren Tide is Holland Vosijk's respite in Grey London. Oh, he's pulled to the Stone's Throw as much as the spoiled princeling, but on those rare occasions the Danes put some slack into the leash of their pet Antari and don't order his return the instant his business is complete, he can do without Kell Maresh spoiling his solitude. (Astrid and Athos know their craft well: to let him tarry an hour in a world they do not taint makes the binding chafe all the more when he returns. But he can no more resist an hour of pretend than any other slave.)

On the first of these excursions, he discovered the Tide, following foreign sailors to find a place where none would care if he swore in Makt with the polyglot of languages on display. He returned when he realized men could die around them and never disturb these Grey-worlders fascination with their drinks—it's a practicality that reeks of his London, after all. And a year or two before the series, he's sitting on a stool when a girl with an impressive array of knives sits beside him. They say very little, but he notices—as Tieren did—the curious circumstance of her eye. Asks her how it happened, in those short, carefully clipped sentences of his (I love that the longest sentence we here him speak in English is eight words within this first book—this is a man who has learned to speak the language with precision because he won't have the Red Londoners looking down on White, but doesn't love it as the Maresh's do.) But of course, Lila knows nothing of the accident's origins, and he would leave it be when she departs save that when he looks in his pocket, she has taken his token.

Oh, the Danes will make merry over their Antari being robbed by a Grey Londoner. He had been so fixated on the ludicrous idea that an Antari might have sprung from this magicless place—on the odd shiver of something like power around this girl with her sharp-edged grin he had gotten careless. (As I said, I've only finished Darker, but if the clues aren't being laid for Antari Lila, I'll eat my hat—she appeared in different! places than Kell, for goodness sake Kell sweetie wake up and smell the magic.)

It's not hard to find her on the docks (Powell, after all, is a drunk and far less kind or discrete than Barron. So he waits for her a few hours later when she slips onto that wreck of a ship and he slits her throat, over and done before she can realize he is there. And then he waits for her to die so he can take back his token and go home. Only, it is very hard to kill an Antari.

When she lingers far longer than a mortal should, he knows he was right all along. So he whispers the command to heal and wraps both their fingers around the token and takes her home.

Once she is there—_two Antari in White London, a feat not seen in any London for generations!—, he explains this new reality in that low, even voice of his. They have to keep her mind intact—no unthinking soul can use the blood commands after all—but how much autonomy she has—whether the Danes use their bindings or not—depends on how willingly she serves. And Lila Bard, who always wanted to be a pirate, is a thief and a consummate liar, looks at that brand on his chest and how it goes all the way to his back and decides she will lie and lie through her teeth until she can find a way to. Not go back to Grey London, but red, red doesn't sound half bad at all. She'll slit all their throats, Holland Vosijk and the Danes because she is Lila Bard who prays to none but herself and lives on her wits.

Well, maybe not Vosijk. Maybe. He's a good teacher after all. (Holy shit y'all Holland legit loves! to teach. There's this passage in Darker where Kell is using air for an attack and he literally brings the whole proceeding to a halt to say that Kell should "choose your elements more precisely. Air cannot be made sharp. Here, watch." Man is not just goading Kell, he's in his _element, teaching about magic!) Just imagine him with "I am a fast learner." Lila Bard for a protege.

Oh, oh I have so many ideas for this! How she first meets Kell: when Holland is allowed to take her to Red London in the second or third month. He turns his back for _one _instant to flirt with Rhy, laying groundwork for the stone and she's _gone. She's slipped off to corner Kell, pushes him up against a palace wall and says: "So, magic boy. Tell me about soul bonds." And Kell, flustered cinnamon roll, can't decide if he should be unnerved or this's the hottest thing that's ever happened to him. They talk, for nearly an hour, about magic, the Danes, Holland. And when Holland finally finds her, with that slight furrowing of his brows that's the only signal of fury he'll give and asks her, still in that eerily even voice if she understands what the Danes will do if they learn she tried to run away, she looks up at him, shameless and unrepentant and says: "Then don't tell unless you're asked. Besides, I wasn't running away. Just seeing if you're a liar. But Magic Boy says soul bonds are real, and the guards really don't have a choice when their eyes go blank like that. He's bloody stupid you know. No one being mind-controlled's going to be inclined to go above and beyond their job."

And Holland wants a drink, because he can just see the heart eyes the spoiled princeling is giving this wild, mad girl he's stumbled upon—not _his girl, because everyone Holland cares for dies, but an Antari he likes a hell of a lot more than Kell Maresh. Oh, book 1 could go in some fascinating directions!

But mostly, I'm just imagining Holland having someone to talk to, as antagonism slowly! blooms into alliance. Someone to practice his English on, but more, someone with the kind of pragmatism to look at death and bleakness and shed her tears but then clear her throat and get on with the world. But also someone with _fire. It's so clear that by the beginning of Darker, Holland Vosijk is exhausted. Lila is so brash and brave and full of vibrancy—she picks Kell up at his lowest points—and fuck, Holland and White London deserve to have a taste of that hope, too. He deserves to have someone to tell the story of his king to (because yes, I know the vague back-story outlines from being unafraid of spoilers) , to tell the story of his world to who will actually give a damn.

#Holland Vosijk #Lila Bard #ADOSM #Shades of Magic #(honestly I can't believe the fandom isn't crawling with this particular AU.)

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imitationgame77 · 6 months ago

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Modes of Media etc (and Murderbot)

(This is not a meta. Just a kind of reflection on my addiction to the muderbot series.)

I enjoy reading, listening, and watching, but usually prefer reading to other ways of consuming (not sure it is the right word) stories. That is mainly because it is the most self-paced and I can pause anytime I want to savour it, or get puzzled over, go back a few pages to check, and so on. It also gives me the freedom to use my mental imagery - how it looks like, how it sounds like, how it smells like, and even how it feels like. If I watch a dramatised version afterwords, I can enjoy that, too. Even though they often have to edit them to make it shorter, less complex, etc., but it can give the images that I may have failed to create myself. Like, I could not have created that vast and beautiful cinematography of the Lord of the Rings.

I started listening to audiobooks about 2 years ago. I had had listened to some before that, but I started a subscription following my friend's recommendation. At first, I found it slightly stressful, because while it was handy to enjoy 'reading' while commuting to work, I often got distracted by outside stimuli. I also found that I needed to like the narrations as well as the story itself. With nonfiction, I find female (or higher pitched) voice easier to listen to, as it is less likely to be drowned out by train noises. But for fictions, I found a woman doing a man's voice by rather forcefully deepening the voice a teency bit distracting. I saw reviews on Audible that many people find men doing a woman's voice fake and distracting, but I seem ok with that so far. Maybe watching all these Monty Python and other British comedies where men pretending to be (very fake) women has immunised me. I don't know.

Anyway. I first encountered The Murderbot Diaries on Audible on my friend's recommendation. I was hesitant at first, because, I had watched some Sci-Fi dramas like Star Trek, but I had not read many sicence fiction or non-fiction, and was not sure my imagery skills were up to understanding it. Also, without any prior information, the word "Murderbot" gave me an impression of a horror-sci-fi. Like, a friendly domestic robot going on sudden murder-rampage type. So, I looked up some brief introduction of All Systems Red, and decided it to give it a try. With Audible subscription fee at £7.99 per month, I generally went for longer titles than 3 hours and 17 minutes (All Systems Red, by Kevin R. Free). (I am that shallow, I know. At primary school in Japan when we were allowed to take out 3 books max during summer holiday, I used to select them by their thickness...) Fortunately, the first 3 novellas were free to subscribers!

It was confusing at first. To a novice Sci-Fi reader, concepts like HubSystem, SecSystem, terraforming, feed communication, etc were a lot to take in. Also, there were lots of characters whose names were unfamiliar to me (maybe easy enough to native English speakers fluent in fantasy and sci-fi?), and it was impossible to keep track of who was who (except Dr Mensah and perhaps Gurathin), when I was just helplessly listening to the audiobook.

Nevertheless, I got hooked quite quickly. Murderbot is a very relatable character, and fortunately, the story did not start with its grim history - it started with its journey to learn to live with autonomy and to interact with people around it as a person, instead of a robot or an appliance. I loved its snarky and self-deprecating, but actually caring and vulnerable character.

I also liked the narration a lot. Kevin R. Free narrates with various voices and acting, but never overacting. He still leaves enough to our imaginations. At least that is how I feel. But since it was still difficult to understand with audio only, I got a Kindle version as well. Seeing all the unfamiliar names and terms spelt out was immensely helpful. But as I moved onto later books, I started having more and more of emotions. And wanted to revisit here and there to savour again, as well as analyse my reactions. So I ended up buying hardback editions as well. I don't think I have ever bought 3 versions of a book. And it was rather expensive, too. I don't have subscriptions to Apple TV, but I have the feeling that I may start that once Murderbot becomes available...

#tmbd #addiction that feels so good #murderbot #self reflection #audiobooks

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initiumseries · 4 months ago

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I think the highly specific thing other anon was talking about is the YA series by Sarah J. Maas, A Court of Thorns and Roses (ACOTAR). But other anon, please feel free to correct me. I don’t want to put words in your mouth.

I think the female MC, Feyre, had two love interests. As a poor human, she had been hunting in the woods and killed a wolf—really a faerie—and so had to pay for her sin by going into the faerie world with the high lord the wolf was friends with, Tamlin. While in the faerie world, Tamlin essentially allows Feyre free reign, feeds her, offers to teach her how to read, etc. At some point he is forced into a dangerous situation and to prevent Feyre from accompanying him he locks her in his house, with all of the amenities (in the form of staff to feed her and entertain her) and this is super triggering for her because she’s had been experiences with being jailed and with her autonomy taken away.

Then Feyre is somehow traded to the night court, where her apparent mate, Rhysand resides. Unlike Tamlin, Rhysand treats his people like garbage. I think he tortures Feyre for a little bit and forces her to perform sexual acts on him in public but it’s okay because he sends her musicians at sleep time to keep her sane. Their relationship is contingent upon Feyre accepting their mate bond. Throughout their relationship, Rhysand hides vital information from Feyre but frequently emphasizes how her choices are important to him and how he’ll always respect her, unlike Tamlin. At a certain point, she gets pregnant and he chooses not to tell her that the pregnancy will be extremely risky for her and bars anyone in her social circle (that is, his own friends) from telling her as well.

Feyre is really riled up about Tamlin locking her up and so contrives a plot with Rhysand to return to Tamlin (which he is extremely relieved by; I don’t believe he had a part in forcing her to go to the night court) and destroy everything in the area he governs, which ends up hurting his people and not him. Very odd, honestly. Like, you object to being temporarily locked up for your own protection—which you should be! no one should be imprisoned no matter how nice the prison—but you’re okay with someone sexually assaulting you so long as they say sorry and that from now on they’ll value your choices and then they don’t?

It all kind of reminds me of the argument in TVD, where fans argue that Stefan tried to control Elena and restrict her vampiric hedonism while Damon allowed her to embrace her darkness and be free. It’s like, are we even in the same reality?

Yeah, this is too much. More younger people need to actually learn feminism is always my takeaway with issues like this. I saw a tweet the other day that said feminism isn't girly pop girl boss liberal feminism and that really resonated with me, because a lot of women who are liberals (not leftists), think they're feminists and will write stuff like this and then, the general public, who often have no idea what feminism really is because we aren't taught it and no one cares to learn about it because that requires reading, kinda swallow this girl boss stuff which leads us to situations like this where we can say an abusive, controlling character is actually the good one. So typical.

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bluestar22x · 4 months ago

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Chapter 4: Mara

Alien Son - Chapter 4: Mara

Series Masterlist

Series Summary: Unbeknownst to him, Cade was a product of an experiment with the goal of raising a super solider. Saved from that fate by his adoptive parents, he is still hunted. Eventually, as it always does, his past catches up with him, though now there’s another plan for him, one he could’ve never imagined.

With the help of friends, Cade must escape his captors again, resuming his life on the run in hopes of finally ending it once and for all, before another generation of his family line has to suffer the consequences.

Rating: 18+ series (explicit content, sensitive topics)

Chapter Word Count: 1,770(ish)

Series Warnings/General Info: Science fiction, mpreg (due to fictional science), violence, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, friendship (found family), romance (male x female), eventual love scene, violation of autonomy (by the antagonists), cloning, inter-species relationship (sort of - Cade is part human/more human than not), xenophobia, alien super human abilities

— Don’t like, don’t read or comment! —

xxx

Thirty-one years ago…

The aliens cried just like humans, right down to how their eyes got all red and puffy. Marquis had been impressed when he first laid his own eyes on them. Their bloodshot ones had been full of anger and grief, but they still had sat tall, proud.

“Tiana, Ivo, and Xenon are dead!” the oldest shouted at one of his guards as Marquis entered the makeshift interrogation room his security team had made just for them. “You humans don’t know where to draw the line!”

“We draw it at aliens hiding in our wake,” Marquis told her. “I’m impressed. You even speak English perfectly. How long have you been on Earth?”

Both of the aliens clenched their jaws shut.

“If you don’t cooperate, I will get one of my guards to cut your tongues out,” Marquis warned them, dared them to defy him.

“Three years ago, when we first found your planet,” the younger one blurted, spurred by fear.

He hummed. “Impressive. You must learn fast to be able to blend in so well at every level in that amount of time. That suggests a high intelligence rivaling our best.”

“We’re so glad you think we’re smart,” spat the oldest. She folded her arms defiantly.

Marquis chuckled. “You remind me of my ex-wife…”

“Mara,” she snapped.

“That your real name?” he asked.

The younger Alosian snorted. “You wouldn’t be able to pronounce our real names.”

He raised an eyebrow. “And you are?”

“Enola.”

Marquis smiled in a manner that was anything but friendly. “Mara and Enola. I’d get as comfy as you can. You’re going to be staying with us for a while. I have so many questions. Starting out with where your ship is.”

Present Day

“Mara,” Cade murmured, eyes darting side to side, putting the pieces together. “You said my mother’s name was Mara.”

His breath caught. No, it couldn’t be.

“As it seems you’ve finally figured out, your mother wasn’t human,” Marquis hummed.

Cade furiously shook his head in denial. “Can’t be. I’ve never changed into that.” He pointed at the photo of the dead Alosian.

“You aren’t fully Alosian,” Marquis explained. “Your father was a piss poor immigrant from Colombia. In return for him playing sperm donor he got a bar in the Keys. Pretty fair trade, if I say so myself.”

“I doubt you were as charitable to any of the Alosians,” Cade growled.

“No, I wasn’t,” Marquis confirmed without any hint of remorse. “We got whatever we could out of Mara and Enola without torturing them, at first. But besides telling us what their planet was called and how old they could live on average – which is 150 years, by the way – they didn’t give us much important info. They continued to refuse to tell us where their ship was and how far away their planet was, even after we stepped the stakes up and tortured them with some of the best techniques in the spy world. Eventually I called off the torture in favor of studying their bodies. I figured if I couldn’t get weapons from them, I could get something medically valuable by studying them inside and out.”

Cade made fists and squeezed, silently outraged at the injustice Marquis was admitting to. He could only imagine how much suffering Mara and Enola had endured. What a nightmare. And this man before him had zero emotions over it except disappointment due to not finding tech to weaponize. The Alosians had been like insects to him. Things to study under a magnifying glass, if not pests to wipe out.

“We studied both the dead and the living,” Marquis continued. “While they were surprisingly more human-like internally than we initially expected, what was different was fantastic. They had bigger hearts, more muscle, a higher metabolism, better hearing, more rods and cones in their eyes, and their skin and some of their physical features could change by will. I knew if we could isolate the genes that allowed them to have all these things we’d have a gold mine.”

“You succeeded,” Cade deduced.

“You are as clever as your mother,” Marquis mused. “We did indeed. Once we knew which genes gave them their ‘superpowers’ we determined a use for them that would interest the military. We could breed, raise, and train a super soldier for them. There were conditions though. The soldier had to look completely human and we didn’t want him shapeshifting so that he couldn’t be recognized by his keepers out in the field. So we decided to mix in human DNA with the Alosian DNA and leave out the gene that allowed them to change their physical form. Once we had a computer model of the perfect genome, my lab techs got to the hard work of physically mixing the genes in Mara and Enola’s extracted eggs with the genes in the human sperm. I overworked my crew to get results asap. Finally, after almost two years, it was time to inject one of the genetically modified fertilized eggs back into the Alosians they came from. Mara was the ideal subject. She was at prime breeding age so we experimented with her first.”

“And it worked,” Cade said quietly.

Marquis nodded. “After several tries. A few eggs didn’t take and there were a couple early miscarriages, but with some genome editing and careful monitoring she carried you to nearly full term. For humans at least.”

Cade frowned. “What does that mean?”

“Mara kept saying she was overdue, it shouldn’t be so long,” Marquis said. “Apparently their pregnancies are only seven months but she carried you until close to nine months. Probably because you had more human DNA in you than Alosian. It wasn’t without consequence.”

Cade stared up at him. “What were the consequences?”

“Mainly it was just one consequence, your birth weight,” Marquis replied. “Enola told us they typically have four-pound babies. You were eight. They weren’t built to handle that. Their hips are even more narrow than a human woman’s. She couldn’t deliver you naturally, so we rushed her into surgery for a C-section.”

“And she died,” Cade guessed, feeling his chest constrict as the words tumbled out of his mouth. He hated the idea that his very existence had cost someone else’s life. Bad enough his adoptive parents had been murdered because of him. His biological mother had died because of him as well? Wasn’t that just the cherry on top? He gritted his teeth.

“She did,” Marquis confirmed. “Partly due to the lengthy, complicated labor and partly because the surgeon nicked a major artery by accident during the surgery. She’d been weakened, but ultimately, she bled out. We attempted to preserve her life by using Enola’s blood to replace what she’d lost, but it didn’t help. She never woke up.”

He spoke so callously about it that Cade felt nauseous. Poor Mara. He glared at the monster in front of him.

“The doctor who delivered you, Ren, named you Adam,” Marquis added. “You know, since you were the first of your kind.”

“How original,” Cade said sarcastically, eyes narrowed.

Marquis snorted, in agreement with him. “I thought the same. But I didn’t care what you were named. It was more important to me how you were raised. After your birth, Amanda became your primary caregiver as planned. We allowed her and Russell to stay at the lab at night to give you regular feedings. They became attached to you, and managed to smuggle you out one night. And the rest is history.”

“Why hunt us for so long?” Cade inquired. “Why didn’t you just make more like me?”

“We couldn’t just let you stay out in the world like that,” Marquis scoffed. “You cost a lot of money to make and you were illegal. To top that off, we couldn’t duplicate the results.”

“You had Enola,” Cade said pointedly.

Marquis sighed. “She had unexpected reproductive issues that prevented the egg from implanting successfully. We tried with some human volunteers, but discovered that humans couldn’t carry ‘mixed breeds’ to full term. They kept losing the fetuses after a month or two. Human immune systems apparently recognize Alosian mixed embryos as foreign, unlike what they normally do with purely human ones. And human immune systems are far less forgiving to foreign DNA than the immune systems of Alosians, no matter the location. You could say the Alosians had smarter white blood cells. They somehow recognized the embryo wasn’t something to attack even with the mixed DNA messing up the whole deal. Sidenote, with such an intelligent immune system, they never had to worry about cancer or autoimmune diseases. And neither do you, by the way. It’s one of the Alosian traits I made sure you inherited.”

“What happened to Enola?”

“She managed to get loose one day about ten years after having entered the facility,” Marquis answered. “One of my security guards had to put her down. He only had lethal rounds on him at the time.”

Cade shook his head vehemently. “You’re a monster. This place is Purgatory.”

“Maybe for aliens,” Marquis admitted. “But for humanity it’s a blessing. We’ve contributed so much to preventing disease and war.”

“By making weapons of war?” Cade hissed, barely containing his outrage.

“Threats work,” Marquis told him. “When your enemy thinks you have bigger guns than them, they think twice.”

“Well, don’t count on me being one of your weapons,” Cade said fiercely. “You might as well shoot me now. I will fight you every chance I get. No brainwashing will sway me.”

“No, it won’t,” Marquis agreed. “Alosians are resistant to brainwashing far more than any human. I made sure you inherited that too. But turning you into a soldier isn’t my plan anymore.”

“What is it then?” Cade asked impatiently.

“I’m going to clone you and your clone will be the one who will become a super soldier,” Marquis replied. “I will raise him. And if I get to an age where I no longer can, Percy will take over. He’s my adopted son. You’ve met, sorta. You were unconscious at the time.”

“You don’t have any more Alosians to carry the baby,” Cade said. “How are you going to do it? Use drugs to inhibit the immune systems of volunteer humans?”

Marquis waved at his question. “We’ve already tried that. No, we have something much more out of the box to try.”

Cade narrowed his eyes, peering at Marquis between tiny slits. “What are you planning to do?”

The smirk on Marquis’ face struck dread in him before he even answered.

“You’re going to carry the baby.”

xxx

Series Masterlist

#Alien Son Series #Original Story

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carpisuns · 3 years ago

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Ok question though. If Felix felt so sad and guilty about Strike Back being blasted to the sun, and fwlt so happy and relieved after finally getting the peacock miraculous, all that because he is a senti, then why he mistreats Adrien? If Adrien was alao a senti, wouldnt Felix emphatize with him? Feel bad for him like he did with Strike Back. Those two behaviors dont match

I don’t think there’s too much of a mismatch. There’s a big difference between watching living beings get literally yeeted into the sun and being kind of a binch to your cousin lol. If felix were watching adrien die he’d be a lot more devastated than he was watching strike back die.

My feeling is that Felix is a complicated character who’s kind of morally gray so far, mostly acting out of self-preservation, not compassion. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have the capacity for compassion. and the fact that he has mistreated adrien is not necessarily an indication that he doesn’t care for adrien at all. adrien clearly has affection for felix and there has to be a reason for that. they were friends growing up and Adrien’s initial attitude toward felix in Felix is very warm. Adrien’s a trusting kid who gives a lot of second chances, as we’ve seen with Chloe, but if Felix had given him a reason to mistrust him before, I think adrien would’ve been treating him more the way he’s currently treating lila.

I also have to assume that felix has affection for adrien—I think probably a lot more than he actually shows. Ofc Felix’s treatment of adrien isn’t ok; I just think it’s hard to fully judge him as a character yet when we actually don’t know much about him or his motives. Personally I don’t feel that Felix’s actions in the episode Felix are a great indication of what he was like when adrien knew him before—adrien seemed surprised by the behavior and quick to forgive him after an apology, and he even asked felix to call him next time he felt “out of control.” That seems to indicate that adrien knew this wasn’t typical behavior but that felix was acting out because he didn’t know how to cope with losing his father (adrien even told plagg as much). Presumably this is also around the time felix first learned he is a senti, which would make him even more confused and upset and erratic before he came to terms with it. His goal in Felix was to get the ring that contained his amok, and once he was in possession of it, he seemed a lot more calm and in control.

This isn’t to say that we should trust felix as a character—he’s clearly very sus and shady and he’s kind of a wild card in the series because we’re not sure what his deal is or where his loyalties lie. I do think though that after protecting his own life and autonomy he is also concerned about protecting his cousin’s. He came back in risk to switch places with adrien, and yes he used that opportunity to snoop around Gabe’s stuff, but he also did stand up to gabe as he promised adrien he would. And the way he worded it seemed to show that he realized that adrien literally couldn’t stand up to his father bc of the ring, so this was an opportunity for felix do it for him. If Felix came to Paris just to steal the miraculous, he didn’t actually have to help adrien, but he still chose to. Felix talked a lot about freedom to adrien and even though he was condescending about it, to me it does seem like he wants adrien to have the same freedom he does. So he does emphasize with how Adrien’s sentihood keeps him trapped.

Idk I just don’t think felix was always as “bad” as he has appeared on the series so far, and even with what we have seen, there are a lot of missing pieces. I think a more complete picture would show that while felix certainly does questionable things sometimes, he is isn’t “evil,” and he’s definitely capable of love/affection, toward his mother in particular but also toward adrien, and potentially others in the future. Based on what I’ve seen so far, I’d classify him as a true neutral, kind of doing what is most beneficial for him and playing by his own rules on whatever team is most convenient at the moment. He could potentially tip either way into being a true villain or a true hero—we’ll just have to wait and see.

#anon #ask #felix #ml spoilers #ml strike back #ml risk

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serpenteve · 3 years ago

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what did alina starkov want, anyway?

People have been arguing for ages about the ending of Ruin & Rising. One faction says Alina losing her powers was misogynistic and needlessly cruel while the other says the ending is fitting because Alina always wanted to live an ordinary life with Mal.

I would argue the problem lies with Alina's mess of a character arc.

For the majority of S&B and the first half of S&S, Alina is a very passive character who wants nothing more than to run away with Mal. Though they changed it in the show, it was originally Mal who wanted to go after the stag and who wanted Alina to have the stag's amplifier because he thought it would give them a fighting chance against the Darkling. In S&S, Alina is terrified of taking a second amplifier because it goes against all the Grisha theory she knows, echoing the arc words of the trilogy: What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men.

It is only when Alina takes the second amplifier that she's allowed to grow a backbone. This is truly a bizarre writing choice because it all but forces the narrative to frame every active step Alina takes to forward the plot and her own character arc---whether that's deciding to rebuild the Second Army, or form a political alliance with Nikolai, or search for the third amplifier, or simply stand up for herself against bullies---as being manifestations of her creeping villainy.

Meanwhile, on the opposite end of the spectrum, there is her Muggle boyfriend who is there to remind us that this is not who she is, that Morozova's amplifiers are corrupting her, that he wants her to go back to the girl she was when she was more passive, vulnerable, and dependent on him.

Surely, there is a line between the heroine learning to trust herself and gaining confidence in her abilities versus the heroine giving in to corruption and becoming more power-hungry and evil? However, the narrative does not distinguish between these two very different arcs. Consequently, the reader is left in a bizarre place where we cannot watch Alina's character arc grow from passivity to maturity without being reminded of how ~evil~ she is becoming, despite there being very little textual evidence to back this up. We also grow to resent Mal because instead of him being a supportive boyfriend who is trying to help Alina navigate her own character arc, he is holding her back from her potential---not just in her powers but also in her personal autonomy.

At the same time, there are sprinklings of Alina's call to her dark side through the Darkling's offer of a throne. Ignoring how sincere his words may or may not be, Alina still feels tempted to join him and frequently thinks about the truth of his words---that she is no ordinary Grisha, that is useless to fight what she is, that she is capable of more than an ordinary mortal life, that he is the only one who can understand the eternity before her. Because readers expect to see a character arc where Alina grows from a scared passive girl to a strong independent woman, we grow to associate her longing for power as a natural evolution of her character development. However, the narrative wants you to believe Alina's development is not a natural progression of her character but rather a corruption due to her greed from the influence of Morozova's amplifiers.

Bardugo completely fails to set up an alternate character arc for Alina where she may grow in power and strength as a character, but does not become evil along the way. Her heroine's arc is completely strangled by the moral panic of the narrative. This is doubly emphasized by the plot: in order for Alina to defeat the Darkling, she must seek out the amplifiers out of necessity. This is framed as greed. In order for Alina to triumph, she must use all three amplifiers, but when she does, she is punished by the plot. But what other choice did the heroine have? It is not like there was some non-evil alternative for Alina to embrace and she deliberately chose the path of most greed. She is not punished for her actions like her male counterparts who seek power. In fact, you could argue, she can't be punished for her actions because her actions are not coming from a place of choice.

At the end of R&R, Alina is stripped of her powers and lives an ordinary life with Mal. As this is the epilogue, one must assume Bardugo meant for Alina's character arc to end in this way. Her character arc is meant to be a cautionary tale against the evils of seeking too much power. This moral aesop falls flat for a number of reasons:

"Power corrupts" is a popular moral message that it's gotten fairly cliche at this point

It's also so heavy-handed, I don't blame readers for expecting it to be subverted because of how much we were hit over the head with it

The strangely gendered way this moral lesson is delivered raises some eyebrows. Are male characters who are actually power-hungry such as Nikolai, the Apparat, and the Darkling not subject to the same punishments the narrative deals out to Alina?

Most importantly, this aesop clashes with Alina's character

In order for this greed corruption arc to make sense, the heroine really should have been an entirely different character who starts off the series with ambition and a need for power. We needed a heroine like Jude Duarte, Kestrel Trajan, or Aelin Galathynius. Someone who is already established as being capable, ambitious, and ruthless. Granted, I still think this would be a shit character arc because of the long history in which female power is demonized, but at least the arc would make sense for the character in the tradition of tragedies.

However, because Alina starts off the series as being insecure and not yet accepting of herself, we expect to see a character arc where she becomes more confident, emotionally mature, and maybe even a little ruthless. We don't expect her to suddenly become corrupted by greed (a character trait she never had to begin with, especially when she would rather run away and hide with Mal than deal with a geopolitical situation) and get punished for being "too ambitious".

To add to this confusing mess of an arc, Alina suppressing her powers leads to her being weak, fatigued, and malnourished. So she must use her powers in order to be healthy, but using her powers is what directly contributes to the rest of her character arc. The heroine cannot win.

In conclusion, Bardugo wrote a book where a naive scared girl gets manipulated into wearing an evil MacGuffin that turns her "greedy" and then gets punished for it, even though the plot offered her no alternative. Alina never wanted power but because a positive character arc meant a complete descent into villainy, we are left with a regressed version of the character by the end of R&R and a whole bunch of readers left scratching their heads about what the hell we are supposed to take away from this mess of a story.

TL;DR: Alina's character arc does not match who she is as a character. She was given an arc that is usually reserved for anti-heroines and tragic heroes with fatal flaws.

#alina starkov #leigh bardugo #ruin and rising #grisha discourse #anti leigh bardugo #darklina #long post #tgt spoilers #the grisha trilogy #why leigh why #viv metas

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vidalinav · 4 years ago

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Don’t come for me...

As much as Feyre sometimes is a lame character (IMO) I have to admit there’s something very sad about wanting your sister’s love more than anything and never getting it, even to the point where you don’t even know how to ask for it or where to look. In the whole series, Feyre always mentions Nesta, even more so I think then Elain. There’s so many instances of Feyre yearning for Nesta’s love or having a high opinion of her even with the harshness that she shows. She tells Alis to go across the wall if need be, because her sister will put aside her prejudice and shelter them, because that’s just the person she is. She argues in favor of her with Cassian in ACOMAF, telling him hey she really loves people, she just feels too much and she’s actually very thankful for your promise to protect her people and her family. She argues with Rhys even in ACOWAR at his insulting idea of her sister being unleashed to the city like a rabid beast when at that point they are still relatively new in their relationship. She asks Amren in ACOFAS if she’s seen her sister and is upset when Nesta chooses Amren to confide in instead of her or Elain. At the end of ACOWAR, Feyre is the one who is like stay out her, join this meeting, you’re the guest of honor when Nesta just wants to leave. Feyre is the one who keeps inviting her to many things that Nesta doesn’t want to be involved in.

This is sad in the way, that even though we know Nesta is traumatized, and we know that Feyre should probably be more understanding since she has also went through something traumatic, Feyre is still not completely loved by the one person she probably wants to be loved by the most. Let’s look at the fact that when Feyre mentions Nesta loving people, she always says that Nesta shows love to Elain, from the beginning to the end. Example in ACOFAS, “To say that to me, fine. But to Elain?” Elain is the number 1, the sister that Nesta puts above the rest. That’s the question she asks in the library in ACOWAR, “’Why do you push everyone away but Elain?’ Why have you always pushed me away?”

So, this is why I can understand why Nesta has to be accountable for her mistakes, because she’s made some. I think that’s a big enough reason for Nesta to have to be accountable, because you should never be allowed to make someone feel unloved. The argument of letting Feyre hunt is lame to me, because we all know they were all kids, and the dad should have stepped up in some way. But the fact that Feyre questions whether she’s really loved by her sister, I think is enough to say that Nesta needs to learn something.

Others have made mistakes, for sure, but they don’t have to be accountable for their actions, because they are not the main character of the book and the one person who is, is the one who is hurt by Nesta and not the rest of the characters. I think if they had their own story told, then for sure, accountability. But this book series, is Feyre, and now Cassian and Nesta’s story, so you see where I’m going with this.

So at some point, I understand this idea that Feyre is wrong to send her to Illyria, to deal with Nesta’s trauma like that, to not be more compassionate, yadda yadda, and I don’t fully believe it was her own decision I feel Rhys probably had something to do with that, he was the one who was literally like “perhaps there’s some string to be pulled, webs to be weaved,” or whatever he said in ACOFAS. And don’t get me wrong, I love Nesta more than any other character in the ACOTAR universe, I just don’t see how you can completely dismiss Nesta’s actions, but at the same time accuse Feyre of villian-y. If Feyre doesn’t have a right to take away someone’s autonomy, then Nesta doesn’t have the right to make someone feel lesser than or unloved as I said before.

And, not to make this longer than it already is lol, in analyzing these characters and their actions, you really get to see how many people care about Nesta. The way she is for the most part. Like Cassian, you can tell he has so many feelings for her, regardless of whether he’s an a**whole sometimes, but she dissed him after they almost died together. Elain, she loves that girl, but she too is dissed. Feyre, read everything I wrote above. Even Amren, who sees her on regular occasion, even considers her a friend until that day they had an argument, which let’s be real was probably about her. And then ultimately her father, who came very late, but who showed he loved her, who said he loved her, who showed unconditional love really to Nesta who wanted to starve, and tried to starve them indirectly, and who used to put his cane far away from this disabled man because she was angry. So, I don’t buy this oh Nesta has nothing to apologize for. I hate apologies written in stories, personally, and Nesta is an action type of person anyway, but I do think that a healing arc that involves Nesta would have to have her be introspective and to really come to know that if people don’t love her, she pushed them away. People don’t have to put up with other people. Realistically, none of us can go through life as if we’ve done no wrong, otherwise there would be no growth, no maturing, no long-lasting relationships. We would suck and it wouldn’t matter if we were angry or harsh or had witty comebacks, we would suck as people because we do not show that we care about other people. So Nesta has to change, because she’s spent four books being like this. She doesn’t have to change completely; she doesn’t have to be Elain or Feyre or Mor or some other chick who’s happy-go-lucky or nice to a fault. Her personality doesn’t have to change. She can still be angry, but proper healing I think for her would mean learning that she must grow and improve, and that she has to take control of her own life, her actions, her past, that part that she played a role in, and everything else that involves her. Of course, people did her wrong, I’m sure people will still do her wrong, but at some point she needs to take back her life and open herself up to love and show people she cares. Because if her M.O. is that actions speak louder than words, her actions right now are saying she hates everyone including herself. And as we know, she’s not an island, as they say and she’s not sociopathic or a narcissist, so she can and should change for the better.

And, I certainly don’t say this to be like “you shouldn’t hate Feyre or the inner circle or Nesta or whoever, or none of them did anything wrong/right.” Hate them if you want, it makes no difference to me. It doesn’t affect me at all. I just think that as long as were analyzing things, we should analyze from all points of view. And I certainly think that ACOFAS is looking less, to me, like a list of sins that the mains are committing against Nesta and more of a web of their own trauma, their own pov’s of the situations, and the current climate of whatever their dealing with at the time. People are messy. Book characters even more so apparently.

#I'm just waiting for that one comment that makes me delete this watch #nesta #cassian #nesta archeron #nessian #feyre archeron #acosf #acowar #acotar #acomaf #acofas #vidalina #rant

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bookofmirth · 4 years ago

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on azriel

So re: the whole Azriel thing and him not being in a good place for a relationship:

This is NOT a new argument. Calling out one person for making that statement is... a bold move, in a fandom where that very topic is discussed quite often, with thoughtful and careful analysis and respect. Like.... yesterday.

Saying that Azriel is not in a place for a relationship right now IS NOT saying that people with mental health problems don’t deserve love or to be in healthy relationships. “Basically, she said that people with mental health don't deserve to be in a relationship.” No! That is a massive misinterpretation of the actual statement being made! Please learn better critical reading/listening skills! (I’m not tagging OP because I’m not giving their behavior a platform.)

No one ever said that Az doesn’t “deserve” to be in a relationship. No one thinks that real people in the real world with mental health problems don’t deserve relationships! It’s misinterpretation upon misinterpretation.

Anyway.

Everyone deserves love. Everyone deserves support. No one is arguing that. What people are saying, if I may be so bold as to speak for others, is:

Azriel deserves love and support.

That love and support can come from family and friends.

It is not the “job” of a romantic partner to be everything to their partner, nor is it healthy.

Azriel is not in a good place to be in a healthy, mutually supportive relationship because

He does not currently address his trauma and hasn’t for a long, long time.

He represses, and then his emotions explode in inappropriate and harmful ways (see: High Lord meeting in acowar, defying Rhys in acosf, his constant “cruel” competitiveness, trying to prevent Elain from helping with the Dread Trove with “an outright sign of temper”. We know that this is true. Stop trying to romanticize it.)

Everyone around Az looks at him warily. I’m not going to pull out all the examples, someone else can do that, but look at the way Mor watches him. Look at the way Cassian watches him. Look at the extreme measures Rhys had to take in the extra. They know he’s unpredictable and full of rage, even though he seems to hold it together. Most of the time.

He routinely tortures people, and it was emphasized in acosf that Feyre could barely stand to be around it. Feyre, who has seen some pretty dark sh*t.

Azriel has some things he needs to work on - don’t we all - but because of the way he treats other people, we know that he is not the partner you’d look for on eharmony dot com.

And that’s what it comes down to - his behavior. Not his mental state.

Love is not always enough.

Being in love and being in a relationship are NOT the same thing. Being in a relationship is work. It has to be mutual. Sometimes, people are not in a place to be in a relationship. And that’s okay! SJM gave us all the clues we need to know what sort of mental state Az is in right now, and how that impacts the way that he treats people, and that is nowhere near being a supportive partner who can draw boundaries and recognizes the individual personhood and agency of their partner; in other words, he currently seems unable to contribute the necessary work to create a healthy relationship.

Azriel will be in a place to have a healthy, mutually supportive relationship. Just... not yet. And the way he treated Elain in that chapter was EXACTLY what we are trying to say. He saw her as a prize, as a thing to conquer, as something he was owed. That’s,... not even love.

And let’s be honest - if someone made these statements about Tamlin, 1) it would be true, and 2) no one would dispute it. We saw very similar signs regarding Tamlin in acotar and then they came to the foreground in acomaf. Tamlin also had issues restraining his rage. He was controlling, reacting based on an instinct to protect that was about his own peace of mind rather than Feyre’s autonomy. And look what happened. He loved Feyre, and Feyre loved him, but that love wasn’t enough because Tamlin was not in a place where he could do the things I mentioned two paragraphs above. Had they met in a different time and place, maybe it would have worked out. Or maybe they wouldn’t have fallen in love. Who knows. But what we do know is that Tamlin became abusive because he lacked emotional awareness and intelligence.

Tamlin is basically a cautionary tale for Azriel and I don’t see how people can have read this series and not see that. Not see that sjm wrote Azriel in a very specific way in that extra.

Will Az get to the same lonely, dark place that Tamlin has ended up? I doubt it. He has a much better support system than Tamlin, for one. He also is being set up to have an HEA, for another. There isn’t a war on, no Amarantha holding everyone hostage. Their histories and personalities, the people they are surrounded by are different - the way they deal with their emotions and trauma is not.

So anyway making a call-out post reducing very complex arguments to simplistic “you hurt me cuz i can’t understand what you meant” is a choice, but it’s not a great one.

#acosf #azriel #acosf spoilers #acotar #spoilers #my meta #anti elriel #just in case 🙄

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astro-rain · 3 years ago

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delicate; b.barnes

chapter nineteen - “tomorrow”

delicate masterlist

word count: 2.8k

synopsis: reader is faced with a very distressing ultimatum and has to deal with the consequences.

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

authors note: omg pls listen to “water under the bridge” by adele after reading this it’s fits so well

Muted. She felt muted - but not necessarily in a bad way. Everything in her was dialed down and dulled. Over the last couple days, Y/N had toned down her emotions, feeling less. Call it a coping skill. Call it a stress response. Whatever. It wasn't like she was sad about it. In a way, in was comforting - not having some overwhelming internal angst.

It had been a week since that fight she and Bucky got into. The mature part of her was telling her to find him and talk it out like the adults they were. But here's the thing. Over time, before they even had the fight, the number of therapy sessions they were having was less frequent as his treatment was improving. The sessions were more intermittent now, and there wasn't one scheduled for a while. Until then, she felt no desire to talk to him.

Was she mad? Sad? She wasn't sure. She just avoided thinking of things that caused her a considerable amount of distress. At this particular moment in time, Bucky was one of those things. Ergo, she made a constant effort to ignore all thoughts of him.

Though, she somehow couldn't entirely ignore the ever present lack of... Bucky. She had gotten so used to having him close by, used to having someone to talk to, laugh with. His proximity had become a constant. A comfort. She refused to admit to herself that silence didn't feel like silence anymore; it just felt like the absence of his voice.

She found she needed to keep herself busy.

Bucky handled it a bit differently. He had lots of intense emotions but he didn't mute them, per say. He didn't ignore them. He felt them, he definitely felt them. He just kept them bottled up inside and talked about it to no one. It was a very strange change of routine. Whenever he had some sort of emotional turmoil, he would always go to her - therapy session or not - to vent, rant, ask for advice, or just talk through a stream of consciousness. Now he just had to sit with it.

He spent most of his time alone. He missed her.

"Hey Shuri," Y/N greeted as she entered the princess' lab.

"Hello," Shuri smiled. "Come sit."

This wasn't a routine visit. Shuri mentioned wanting to talk about something else this time. Something important. She was reminded of this when she walked in to find two Doras sitting with Shuri at a lab table.

"So," Shuri started, "The trigger word experiment. We're here to discuss safety and security."

Shit. That awful thing. It had slipped her mind these past couple days.

"Alright. What are we thinkin'?"

"Well, the Doras don't think it would be necessary to have two of them there with you, but if you would feel safer with two, then that's fine as well."

"I think one is fine. I trust your judgment," Y/N nodded to the Doras.

And I'm not afraid of Bucky, she thought but didn't say.

"We also have a special location to run the experiment," one of the Doras, Ayo, added. "Away from people and secluded in the case of an emergency."

"Okay. That sounds good."

"We understand Barnes is now equipped with the vibranium arm, yes?" Shuri asked.

"Yes, he is."

"Then you need to know something for the experiment."

Y/N's brows furrowed, confused. Was she missing something?

"There's sort of a fail safe built into the arm," Shuri began.

Fail safe?

"There are a series of pressure points when, if hit correctly, will disengage the arm. It will just drop to the ground. So if anything were to happen-"

"I'm sorry, what?"

The expression on Shuri's face changed immediately when she heard her partner's tone. Y/N looked bewildered and almost in disbelief.

"It's there as a precaution in case Barnes needs to be put in check."

Suddenly, every emotion she had been "muting" rushed back into her head. Every feeling for Bucky returned, as well as her compulsion to protect him.

"Building that into the arm shows a complete lack of trust."

"You know what HYDRA did. It's unpredictable, and I'm sorry but we just can't be sure."

"We need to be careful with this so it doesn't blow up in our faces," Ayo said.

"I understand having that precaution for this test, I do. But it isn't just this test. Given it was successful and everything worked out, he was supposed to keep the arm. Right?"

"Right."

"So we fix the HYDRA programming and he's free, but leave the 'fail safe' in so after all of this, he still has someone in control of him."

"The arm is a gift," Ayo stated. "He should be happy he has it at all."

"I understand that, and believe me, he is so grateful. But a gift is for someone else to keep and use as their own. How are we supposed to help him and work with him for months, building trust and aiding him in healing to just tarnish all of that with deception?"

"It's what's best for the protection of all."

"Even after the experiment if it's successful?" Y/N cried in disbelief. "I should say when it's successful. Shuri, I've been seeing his progress for months and working with you on his neurobiology data. Can't you tell how much skill has been put into this? It's us. It's going to work."

"Even still."

"I can't stand for that. I would understand if it was just for this test, but after? We haven't come this far just to not trust our own work and Bucky's deprogramming. He deserves to have someone on his side."

"I'm sorry, Y/N, but it's already been done. The arm is already built and being used."

"This is the plan," Ayo declared. "Either you are on board, or you are free to leave Wakanda. We can fly you out as soon as tomorrow morning."

"I can't knowingly be a part of this. It's wrong."

"As I said. Free to leave."

She refused to be a willing participant in perpetuating the loss of Bucky's autonomy. He's been through enough, had enough taken from him. She would not play a single role in taking more away.

"I guess I have to go then," she said, standing from her chair.

She couldn't believe the words coming from her own mouth.

Shuri sighed. "That's very unfortunate, my partner. I'm sorry we couldn't agree on this."

"I am, too. But please. Please consider what this will do to him. It's like saying 'even though we've all been working with you, we don't actually believe that you're not still a weapon.' What is he supposed to think of that?"

"Barnes isn't going to have to think anything about it..."

"...because he isn't going to know," Ayo finished the thought.

"No..."

"It's the way it has to be."

"No it's not."

"Y/N..."

She took a couple steps back, preparing to leave the room. "No, I'm sorry. I can't. He needs to know. I'm going to have to tell him."

"I'd advise against it if you care about your job," called an unfamiliar voice.

Y/N turned to the other Dora, whom she didn't know.

"What?"

"What would your employers think if they knew their doctor had certain... inappropriate relations with a patient? And a very infamous one at that."

She froze, face burning. Her stomach dropped and her breathing stopped dead.

Did they-? Who else-? How did they-? What did they-?

She couldn't form a single coherent thought.

"You are more than free to leave quietly, without any worries" said the Dora, "but if Barnes knows about this, you can be sure that the rest of the world will know about you and your... relations."

It was then when she could feel almost every piece of her world come crashing down. She could feel every test she took, every research project she was a part of, every hour she spent studying for the career that took years to build. The thing she was most proud in this world, the part of herself she most loved. She felt the job she loved and all the things she had learned and accomplished begin to crumble around her.

This career... it was her life. It was her passion. It was all she had. Now she was in immediate danger of losing it. All she could process was fear; she shut down.

Finally, she managed words.

"Okay," she conceded, her defeated voice barely above a whisper. "I'll go... quietly. I'm sorry."

With that, she turned around and took the remaining steps out of the now silent room.

- - -

When she was in the hallway, she felt like she was dying. The guilt was overwhelming. How could she betray him like this? She tried to fight for Bucky to get the truth and now she has to hide it from him and leave him. She has to lie to him.

Y/N was still in shock, completely immersed in her own fear. It felt as if she wasn't in her body. She knew she was moving - walking down the hallway. But her body was just on autopilot; she was gone.

She couldn't tell if she was crying but she could feel a twinging in her eyes and a burning in her nose. She was also hardly breathing so if she was crying, it was nearly silent.

In a faraway echo, she thought she heard her own footsteps. She wasn't sure where they were taking her, but she wasn't sure if she cared.

She walked, and she kept on walking for a long time. She could feel the ache in her feet once she sat down in front of the water. She hadn't planned to go to the waterfall - that waterfall... their waterfall. It just sort of happened. Perhaps it was a long enough distance away to feel safe.

She finally let herself think for a moment.

What the fuck had just happened? Her exact fears had come to be. Somehow, someone saw or figured out her and Bucky. It felt worse than she thought it would. Exposed. Embarrassed. Guilty. Humiliated. Distressed.

It was numbing. So numbing that she stared at the little pool and let the white noise of the waterfall clog her ears until she was able to lose track of time.

She had no idea how long it had been when he approached her.

"Y/N!" Bucky's voice called as he jogged over after catching sight of her. "I've been looking for you! Can we please talk?"

His voice snapped her out of it, but her gaze remained fixed on the water in front of her. She wasn't sure what to do, how to engage with him; she froze.

When she didn't even turn her head, Bucky guessed she was still upset with him. He didn't want to be a bother, but he needed to talk to her. He sat down right next to her.

"Okay..." he started, carefully. "I know things aren't great between us right now, but-"

She turned her head to him and the words died in his throat when he saw her face: bloodshot, puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. He forgot whatever he was going to say, cupping both sides of her face.

"Oh my god, what happened!? A-Are you alright?"

The cool metal of his hand on her cheek made her want to scream, reminding her of what she could not tell him. Reminding her of the searing guilt. Trembling hands reached up to touch his arms. And then he saw the quiver in her lip.

"Oh, honey," he cooed, worried. "Hey... Hey, talk to me. Talk to me, what's wrong?"

He was so concerned and so sweet even after they had a huge blowout. If possible, it made her feel even worse. She didn't deserve his kindness anymore. She just stared into him with the saddest eyes he'd ever seen.

Bucky had never seen her like this and he was scared. Was it because of him and their fight? He supposed so. What else could it have been?

"I'm so sorry, please don't cry," he caressed the back of her head with one hand. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of what I said, I was just mad. You were right. I feel awful, I had no idea it upset you this much."

Their fight was the very last thing on her mind. Looking back on it, it seemed like such a trivial thing compared to now. But he thought this was his fault. She wanted to break into a million tiny pieces and let the wind blow her away.

She shook her head. "Bucky, no. It's not that. It's not you."

He looked so confused. She felt so bad.

"Then what... what's wrong?"

"I'm leaving."

Bucky leaned back, perplexed, and his hands slid down to rest on her forearms. "Leaving? You're leaving Wakanda?"

She nodded. "I'm sorry."

"No, no, hey- You don't have to leave. We can figure something out. We were too risky, you were right. I understand that now. We don't have to do that anymore. We can make sure that we're always completely in private from here on out."

She shook her head, staring down at the grass below her. "I'm sorry, I can't... I can't do that. I have to leave."

She could barely look him in the face.

"You don't, it's okay," he implored. "I know it worried you, but it really only was Steve. And I know, I know it could have been anyone and I get that. I thought about it, and I get it. We don't ever have to... sleep together... again. We won't be distracted, and-and we'll be careful."

She clenched her eyes shut, trying not to let her burning eyes release more tears. It didn't work.

"Bucky..."

"Baby doll please," his voice cracked while he tipped her chin up to meet her eyes again. "We can just-... we can just go back to the way it was before. In the very beginning. We can- we'll only see each other in sessions, we don't-... No more lake trips or all-nighters or anything just-"

He sharply inhaled, beginning to ramble as his breath became unsteady.

His voice shook just slightly. "You can barely even talk to me if you don't want to- just please don't go..."

She thought a part of her cracked and died at that moment. She sprung forward and held him as tight as she could. Instinctively one of Bucky's arms was around her back and the other cradled the back of her head.

She thought maybe if she held tight enough, she could keep them together and she wouldn't have to leave him there alone. Of course he would be fine, but he would spend the rest of his time feeling like it was his fault that she had gone.

She couldn't let him think this was his fault.

"Buck, I don't wanna leave you. But I have to do what's best for the both of us. You'll be just fine without me. I promise."

He didn't think so.

"I'm putting your treatment and my career in jeopardy if I stay," she continued. "I just don't want anything bad to happen to either of us. I'm sorry if you hate this and I'm sorry if you hate me for doing it."

He mumbled something in the crook of her neck, but she couldn't hear it. She pulled back from the embrace.

"What?"

"I could never hate you."

Despite the fact that she was so internally distraught, despite what happened with Shuri and the Doras, with having to tell Bucky she was going to leave him, with having to watch him beg her to stay, despite the extreme dread and guilt within her, she still looked at him and felt so much love.

She was doing the very thing he feared and all he could do was care for her.

"God, I'm gonna miss you," she breathed before grasping his jaw, and pulling his head to hers.

Bucky tasted salt and he couldn't tell if it was his or her tears mixing into their lips.

As much as he wanted her to stay, he could sense how serious she was about this. He wouldn't be able to convince her to stay even if he tried. And he already did.

He could only soak up as much of her as he could before she left, and be with her until she had to go. He had no idea how much time he had. Wait-

"When are you leaving?" he broke the kiss as soon as the thought arose.

She was silent for a moment when another tear dripped down her face. "Tomorrow."

delicate taglist: @bakugouswh0r3 @thefridgeismybestie @strivingforelegance @ilovespideyyy @xpurpleglitter @bluelakeee @darkacademic2 @eclipsedplanet @paradisedixon @crazy-beautiful @coffee--writes @lilithknight1111 @buckybarnesishot310 @softladyhours @alwayssandy @those-sea-green-eyes @hero-ically @devilswaldorf @cc13723things @small-death-and-codeine @avengersgirllorianna @cataves @thatbitchsposts @talktomeaboutthestars @surrealpsycho @headheartbellarke @bubbly-moonwarrior @bluemoon-icecream @buckeyecreates @augustbucky @itsthemaree @undiadeestos

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alirhi · 3 years ago

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okay. let's do this shit.

Guess what, bitches? Mama bear's back and angry all over again. Remember when I said I might dive into a ragepost about how Bucky's treated after completing the one about Loki? This is it. This is the post. Welcome to fucking Thunderdome.

I will actually try to keep it civil. No promises, but I'll try. and I will not be accepting "constructive criticism" about my rage. Just so we're clear.

Got it? Good. Let's dive in.

In case you don't want to read the whole thing (I know I get wordy) here's what this whole post will boil down to: BUCKY NEVER HAD A FUCKING CHOICE. NEVER. NOT ONCE IN HIS ENTIRE ADULT LIFE.

Now, quick reminder: I don't read comics. I know nothing about Bucky's comic canon, except what Sebastian liked to bring up as often as possible during TWS/CW promotions: at some point, Bucky boned Nat. XD Since Bucky only exists as a Marvel property, I won't be bitching about other source material being disrespected like I did with Loki. This is all MCU, my dudes. And honestly? That's enough, because though we don't see nearly enough of Bucky for my liking, we do manage to get a rich, deep backstory to him in the material we're given, partly thanks to better writing in the early days of the MCU, and partly thanks to Sebastian Stan's phenomenal acting. Unlike the writers of the Loki series, Seb knows how to show, not tell. And gods, what stories those eyes show...

Let's start with the army. In an old post illustrating what an absolute BAMF Bucky Barnes truly is, I mistakenly said he enlisted, and a kind soul educated me on the incredible attention to detail Marvel used to pay - in this case, Bucky's ID number. 32557038. As this kind, eagle-eyed soul pointed out to me, the first two digits of that number - 32 - signify that Bucky was drafted, specifically from the NY, NJ, DE area (that last part is rather obvious, as Bucky and Steve are from Brooklyn lol). Bucky didn't choose to go to war. He was drafted. He was forced to fight, or go to prison.

Bucky was born in 1917, which means - again, as someone pointed out to me a while back - he came of age during the Great Depression. As a child, he would likely have seen his parents living comfortably and able to shower each other and him and his sister with gifts and fun memories, and then POOF. Stock market crashes when he's only 12-years-old, and life becomes brutal and painful. He manages to have some fun with his best friend Steve, and spends his teens/early 20s chasing girls and keeping his stupid, stubborn, tiny friend from getting beaten to death.

Steve constantly has something to prove. He's absolutely got what my mom always called "little man's disease", and Bucky's just doing his best not to roll his eyes too much at this asthmatic chihuahua constantly trying to beat up Tibetan mastiffs. While Steve keeps lying on his enlistment forms (an actual crime) trying again and again to get into the army and prove what a badass he is (definitely not), Bucky's had enough trauma and upheaval in his life and he just wants his stupid friend to calm tf down and live. Enjoy the fact that he doesn't have to go to war and get his limbs blown off.

And then he gets fucking drafted. This sweet, resigned realist who knows exactly how dangerous the war really is, is forced to put on a uniform and go fight strangers alongside other strangers thousands of miles from everything he knows. And on his last night of freedom, when he just wants to hang out with his friend, see some cool gadgets, and dance with a pretty girl, his stupid angry chihuahua friend feels the need to lie and try to enlist again.

Okay. Gotta get back on track. Ragepost about mistreatment of Bucky, not how much Steve annoys me. Sorry. Anyway...

Bucky's drafted, accepts his shitty lot with a brave smile, and is shipped off to Europe, where he is captured by HYDRA and presumed by the Allies to be KIA. Instead, he's strapped down, tortured, and given the HYDRA version of the super serum against his will. Steve rescues him, and Bucky knows he can't leave his idiot friend to his own devices to get his head blown off, so he dives right back into the fray. And then he falls off a cliff, loses most of his left arm, and is declared dead...again. This one's pretty damn valid, though lol. Without the serum no one knew he'd been shot up with, there is no way he would have survived that fall.

Here is where Bucky's story gets truly heartbreaking: His autonomy, his ability to consent is stripped from him through electroshock torture/brainwashing. The trigger words are conditioned into him during this process, and boom. Ten words in Russian, and Bucky Barnes is gone. Even the confused, hurting shadow of him is gone, leaving only a perfectly obedient killing machine, with Bucky's pretty face. He's strong as all hell, though, so they can't keep him fully under their control for long, not without more torture, when the disorientation of being fucking frozen wears off on longer missions.

I cannot stress this point enough, guys: Bucky. Had. No. Choice. Not like the draft, where his choices (go and get shot at, refuse and go to jail, or dodge and run to Canada) just suck. No, he literally didn't have a choice. He had his ability to choose stripped from him. If that's too complex a concept to really sink in, try this: His brain was fucking raped. Repeatedly. For decades. Nothing the Winter Soldier ever did was Bucky's fault. Nothing. Ever. Not remotely, no matter how you fucking slice it. Bucky is not an assassin. I almost said "not a killer", but he was a soldier, and a sharpshooter. He definitely killed when he was himself, but that was in a war, not a series of assassinations.

So far, imo, so good. This is just a rundown of Bucky's pre-show backstory. I don't love what he had to suffer, but I do love how it was treated in the movies. People were afraid of him, but when they knew the whole situation, Steve, Nat, and Sam rallied behind him. Natasha had plenty of reason to want the Winter Soldier dead; he'd tried to kill her multiple times and almost succeeded. Sam had no reason to help Bucky at all; he didn't know him, didn't trust him, and again, TWS had tried to kill him. But he stood by Steve, and when Bucky showed the clear difference between himself and TWS, Sam stood by him, too, and fought alongside him.

And it's very realistic, imo, that Tony didn't give a single fuck that Bucky had no choice. He watched this man murder both of his parents on tape. If TWS had killed my dad and I saw proof of it, I'd try to kill Bucky, too. Grief wins out over logic. Most emotions usually do. And that's a very important point we're going to come back to in a few minutes.

Bucky was really only in like ten minutes at most of IW and Endgame, and for multiple reasons I hate those movies, so I'm just gonna skip them, kay? Kay. On to the main event!

Here's where I get pissed off. Even if I didn't have an unhealthy attachment to this character, or the depth of appreciation for his tragic backstory that I do, the lack of continuity between the movies and the show alone would still piss me off. It always does. Don't even get me started on Joss "Continuity? What continuity?" Whedon and his (iconic, but flawed) shows. Ahem. Back on track...

Let me just get one little thing out of the way real quick: I fucking LOVE The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. I love it. This show amazed me when I first watched it, and I still love it after many more viewings lol. I have only ever watched it all the way through without skipping over as much John Walker shit as possible the one time lol but I love how Sam and Bucky interact, and I fucking adore how Sam's arc was treated. I just wish they'd show the same care and attention to Bucky.

Because what they did to Bucky in this show is a fucking travesty. There was a tiny ray of hope in the pilot, when he called out Dr. Bitchface for being a terrible shrink. I thought that would be the start of him realizing he needed to find someone else and ignore the damaging shit that woman was telling him. But...nope. No such luck.

The show really had a strong start, I'll give it that. We see Bucky having nightmares of his time as TWS and struggling to hide how his traumatic memories are affecting him as he tries to live in the world again. He befriends the father of one of HYDRA's victims, which can't be good for Bucky (and we're shown it's definitely not when he sees the shrine in Yori's home to his late son) but it's sweet, how he's trying to connect and reach out to someone who's hurting and lonely.

They drop the ball a little with the whole... Bucky can hack a fucking car, but can't figure out Tinder thing. Had they just run with the fandom interpretation of the tiger photos line, that it shows that Bucky is bi and left it at that, I'd have been okay with it (and no, that is not because I ship Sam/Bucky. it's because Bucky is and always has been a certified nerd who loves technology and has consistently shown very little issue learning to use new gadgets). The outdated flip phone he handed his terrible court-mandated shrink was a burner; I liked that theory when I read it, especially since it's the only time we see him even holding a phone that old lol. This all could have fit the "Bucky is a sassy bisexual nerd" narrative and it'd be okay. Instead, the director was like "NOOOOOO that line was just to show how old he is and how he can't figure out all this newfangled technology!" Woman, you had him remotely driving someone else's vehicle with a tablet. That is NOT a man who can't figure out a damn smart phone!

But that's just a minor annoyance. What fills me with absolute rage is how everyone - not just the shitty therapist who lashes out at and purposely triggers her traumatized patients, but EVERYONE - Sam, Zemo, people who should fucking know better ALL treat him like he's a psychopath and a ticking time bomb. Like he chose to take the serum and he chose to kill for HYDRA, and he's just seen the error of his ways. *barf*

Bucky in the movies is established to be a victim, through and through. His guilt over what he was forced to do is natural, and that he sees himself as a monster makes sense... but that doesn't mean it's correct. The one and only thing I ever liked about Steve Rogers is at least he got it. He pointed out that none of it was Bucky's fault, he tried to show him that he was worth saving. That's the other reason I refuse to talk about Endgame. This post will get a WHOLE LOT LONGER and a lot fucking angrier if I open that door.

Zemo supposedly knows everything about HYDRA and super soldiers... So why does he treat Bucky like he's a corrupt serial killer? (this, for the record, is why I don't like Zemo) Why does he never point out that Bucky was given the serum against his will, or that his actions, when he had control of them, proved that he was never corrupted? Bucky never wanted to become superhuman. Bucky didn't even want to fucking fight!

Sam, despite constantly resisting the label, is shown very clearly to be Bucky's friend. By episode 3, he cares. He worries about how Bucky is getting lumped in with the other super soldiers in Zemo's speech... But he never really defends him. He says "what about Bucky?" but he doesn't point out that Bucky's a good man, he's fought so hard to help people, he does everything he can to avoid killing... And that fucking speech in episode 5. I was with him on "you gotta stop looking to other people to tell you who you are." I was like "YEAH! Tell him, Sam! Bucky, you're WORTH SAVING, boo! Your value does not hinge on someone else's opinion of you!" And then... Sam dropped the ball.

He not only continued the disturbing pattern of victim-blaming in this show, and in Marvel/Disney properties in general, but he gave really dangerously bad advice! No one in their right mind, mental health professional or no, would EVER tell a traumatized former assassin (whether he was responsible for his actions or not) to go confront his victims' families out of the blue with no warning and no one to mediate and keep things from going to shit. Yori already knew his son had been murdered because he was in the "wrong place, wrong time." How is it being "of service" to tell him you're the one who killed him?! Remember how I said Tony's reaction to learning the full truth about his parents' deaths was valid and would be an important point later? Hi! Welcome to later. THAT is the natural reaction to facing the man who murdered your loved one(s). And even if Yori didn't get angry and lash out, HOW IS IT "HELPING" HIM OR BRINGING HIM "CLOSURE" TO KNOW THAT HIS FRIEND KILLED HIS FUCKING SON?!?!?! This man befriended him, bonded with him, watched him grieve... And now he's learning this is the man who caused all his pain and heartache to begin with? That is so toxic and psycho I just... I can't even... UGH.

And then there's the equally toxic and damaging "deeply traumatized person just needed a stern talking to and a hug to be ALL BETTER AGAIN" ending. I loved seeing Bucky happy and socializing, but it was too soon, and it was unearned. And it sends a fucking awful message to people actually struggling with PTSD, and to their loved ones who don't know how to help them. Heaping more blame on them and then hugging it out is NOT helpful!

This show could have been damn near perfect with just two changes. That's all. Just two. 1) Someone, anyone, bringing up the reasons why Bucky was never a villain in his presence. Someone being in his corner and reminding him, like Steve did, that it wasn't his fault and he's not going to "snap". 2) More time devoted to Bucky's healing. Actual fucking healing, not the shit they tried to pass off as a magic fix-all. He can have his happy barbecue moment, just don't frame it as "everything's great now!" Healing isn't linear, and there will be both good days and bad. Some of the most fragile people in the world have the brightest smiles.

If we get a season 2, which this amazing show absolutely deserves, and they address this stuff, all will be forgiven in my book. Expanding on his story and his journey toward healing will help to reframe that "happily ever after" garbage as something more realistic. But as it stands now... Fuck Marvel.

#fan rant #ragepost #long post #bucky barnes #mcu #captain america #the first avenger #the winter soldier #civil war #tfatws #mcu spoilers #stop victim blaming #victim not villain #never a fucking villain #bucky deserved better #fuck marvel #fuck disney

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please-return-to-villanelle · 4 years ago

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Cold Turkey

S3E8 recap

What do you want Villanelle?

I’m looking for a new challenge.

Villanelle tries to retroactively accept Carolyn’s job offer to work for MI6, but with a slight twist. She no longer wants to kill. She is looking to start over. Carolyn isn’t convinced that Villanelle has any useful skills outside of assassinating and turns her offer down. By seeking out Carolyn, Villanelle was taking a real step of her own accord to actively remove herself from the Twelve rather than simply runaway.

I can change.

You’ve infected her with your disgusting lack of ambition.

The Villanelle that Dasha and Konstantin are discussing is the Villanelle of the past. The one whose life was not altered by Eve Polastri. In this conversation, Konstantin chastised Dasha for almost killing Villanelle with her brutal training tactics focused on discipline while Dasha jabs back by blaming Konstantin for giving her no structure. In other words, Villanelle almost died because of Dasha’s method of strict rule while Konstantin made her lazy due to his method of no rules. Neither handler gave Villanelle what she needed and BOTH of them imposed what they wanted upon her. She seems like a disappointment to them now that she is breaking free of her chains and becoming her own person, which is something neither Dasha nor Konstantin is capable of doing.

As I mentioned in my S3E7 recap (post), I think the portrayal of Dasha was meant to depict what Villanelle’s life may have been if she continued working for the Twelve for the rest of her life. This would have been a life of isolation (Winners win alone) with the illusion of freedom to do as she pleases, so long as her bosses are happy.

I wish my son was here.

The death of Dasha is Villanelle’s worst fear, and ironically, the end Dasha predicted for Villanelle; one in which she dies alone and without someone who loves her.

FINALLY, we arrive to the long-anticipated Villanelle and Eve reunion where they both “Wear it down” (post).

What I love most about this whole scene is both Villanelle and Eve have their walls of emotional armor down the entire time. Neither of them entered the ballroom with their masks on. The cheeky and overly confident façade of Villanelle is not there and the delusional MI6 agent façade for Eve is gone.

They came just as they are: Eve and Oksana.

This entire scene looks and feels like the past: the ballroom dancing, the clothing of the dancers and Villanelle’s 60s outfit, the lighting, the music, and the decorum. It’s almost as if this is a fantasy moment where time stands still; and in this moment, Oksana and Eve share a moment of honesty about the past and future.

Do you ever think about the past?

All of the time.

Eve can tell immediately that something is deeply bothering Villanelle and so her offer to dance serves as a temporary distraction but also as an opportunity to find real peace.

I want to feel carefree.

Well dancing will do that.

The freedom they are discussing here is emotional freedom. Both Villanelle and Eve have their own internal demons they are battling and neither have been able to find peace on their own.

Dancing is not my thing.

Mine either, but it’s good to try new things.

The origin of the word dance came from the Latin word saltare which means to “leap with emotion”. What Eve is offering Villanelle is emotional support by “letting it win” in order to quit their self-destructive habits of repressing their feelings around each other. In other words, they are actively giving into their emotions to feel and deal with it together rather than keep it all buried inside.

They both fumble at first, this is something new after all, but then they begin to talk openly with each other as they sway in sync. While staring at a happy elderly couple, Villanelle asks Eve is she wants to be like them. What she is really asking here is: Would a long, normal and carefree life make you happy?

Eve honestly replies no. Why?

We’d never make it that long. We’d consume each other before we hit old age.

Eve’s reply is significant because she envisions her life with Villanelle in it and associates her with happiness. In her brain, she re-framed the question from “Would I be happy” to “Would we be happy?” For Eve, to be happy means to have Villanelle but she recognizes that this situation of teatime dancing in the fantasy ballroom is not sustainable for them. Eve understands that happiness means becoming fully consumed mind, body, and soul by Villanelle which may not allow them to live a long life with the danger and chaos they always find themselves involved in.

I’ve killed a lot of people

Villanelle said these exact words to her mother. In this instance she was rejected, told she had a darkness, and instructed to leave.

With Eve, she was immediately accepted without hesitation and held in a loving embrace.

I know.

When she dances with Eve, she is Oksana. No pretense, no cheeky jokes, no lies. She is just a girl dancing with her wife, because this scene proves they are married, but when Eve leaves and she turns to talk to Rhian, Villanelle the mask is back on. Now she is cheeky, the pretense is back, and the game of lies is on.

Rhian leads Villanelle away to take her to see Helene in order to, once again, play by another handler’s set of rules.

Come a long little sheep.

Villanelle is determined to maintain her autonomy and have the happy life that Eve envisioned for the two of them. Killing Rhian to have her dream life takes its toll since murdering is no longer something she can disassociate from.

I’m sorry.

Villanelle now feels things when she kills. This was the cost of learning what love means and opening herself up emotionally. She is now capable of feeling love and happiness, but this means she can also feel pain and loss. This kill was a milestone for her because we see this balance of Villanelle the assassin and Oksana the woman.

Interestingly, Eve (aka Tallulah Shark) has a similar experience at the betting parlor and with her exchange with Konstantin. She osculates from not a nice lady to innocent and caring throughout both of these scenes.

I think this was significant in depicting how both Eve and Villanelle are capable of attaining balance between their darkness and light. More importantly, they are most at center when they together both emotionally and physically.

Now I know many of you are wondering: What was the point of Geraldine?

I think her point was literally to annoy the emotions out of Carolyn. She was annoying to us because that’s how Carolyn felt also.

Carolyn has been a spy for decades and has learned to separate her work life from her personal life. The death of Kenny was what forever merged these two aspects of her life; but the death of her son alone was not enough of a trauma for Carolyn to willingly “let it win” by succumbing to her guilt in order to feel this great loss. She needed someone to pry these feelings out of her unwillingly.

That’s what you say it’s about, but what’s this really about?

So, in a way, Geraldine is the therapist Carolyn never asked for but desperately needed in order to find peace with the death of Kenny which she achieves in her final scene with provocation from someone else she cares about: Konstantin.

Konstantin has betrayed literally everyone in his life including his own family. What’s interesting about this scene is that Villanelle is watching this whole exchange without any knowledge of Eve and Carolyn’s investigation into Kenny’s death. In fact, she seemed to have no knowledge of Carolyn and Konstantin’s past.

Villanelle is witnessing this relationship for the first time unfold and she realizes that Konstantin, someone she considered a friend/ family, is using Carolyn’s love for him against her. It’s truly a fascinating detail.

I feel like the series has drawn many parallels between Carolyn and Konstantin’s relationship to Eve and Villanelle’s. Both couples are literal enemies to lovers. Much like Dasha, this is a glimpse into what Villanelle and Eve’s future relationship might look like if they continue their current career paths. Their relationship will dissolve into nothing more than transactions and lies all centered around work.

What Villanelle doesn’t know, is that Konstantin has used Carolyn’s feelings against her to save himself before. Let us recall the car driving scene from the previous episode. He flat out lied about what he was discussing with Kenny in order to save himself from Carolyn’s inquisition and reckless driving. Konstantin has no rules set and no set of morals. He just wants to stay alive.

Winners win alone.

Once again, Konstantin shamelessly chooses himself above all others. He plays his last hand by telling Carolyn he loves her to influence her decision making by tugging at her feelings.

In this moment it clicks for Villanelle. This is the type of behavior her mother showed her and her siblings. She manipulated the feelings of those that loved her and used them to manipulate them into doing her bidding or boasting her ego. With this realization, Villanelle saw that her mother was not her family, and neither is Konstantin.

He only called out to her when he was desperate and blatantly ignored her own calls of desperation throughout their entire relationship. She also witnesses Carolyn spare Konstantin. Instead of killing him out of anger and she let him go out of what little love she still holds for him. I believe this was a parallel to Villanelle shooting Eve in Rome out of anger. I think Villanelle recognized the difficult choice Carolyn made and why it’s so important for her and Eve to walk away from all of this if they want their happy life together.

Cold turkey.

Eve is not fully prepared to let all of this go. To her, fixating on the Twelve means fixating on Villanelle. So in this moment, I think she panicked and fled because she can’t comprehend how to live that life without Villanelle and the Twelve consuming her. She craves the excitement, the darkness, and chaos that comes with Villanelle.

You’re so many things.

Eve comes to a place of acceptance and finally admits to Villanelle that they are the same and that she wanted Villanelle in her life all along. The cost was blowing up her own life; but Eve never truly wanted that life. She only became passionate and fully alive after Villanelle came crashing into her life.

Wear it down.

Since that 30 second meeting in the bathroom, Villanelle and Eve were forever changed. They briefly saw the monsters in each other. Neither recoiled. They continued to pursue each other and are finally at a point where they can fully see one another for exactly who they are. They were both seeking the relationship they now have. It’s not a normal relationship like the couple in the fantasy ballroom, but it’s the real connection they have both been yearning for.

Help me make it stop.

At the end Villanelle offers Eve a solution to stopping all the pain, chaos, and darkness that comes with their unique relationship.

She is suggesting that Eve has to quit her cold turkey.

Villanelle is presenting them both with the opportunity to cut ties with their consuming relationship and attain their individual freedom that they have both been trying to attain throughout this season.

Ultimately, neither one is prepared to quit cold turkey. In the end, they choose to remain tethered by the red string of fate that binds them. They choose to view each other as equals and mutually consume each other to attain their version of love and happiness.

It’s new challenge they willingly face together.

#killing eve #killing eve s3 #villanelle #villanelle x eve #Eve Polastri #villaneve #Carolyn Martins #konstantin vasiliev #dasha #are you leading or am i?#ke s3 #killing eve analysis #i feel things when i’m with queue

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rachelbethhines · 4 years ago

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Tangled Salt Marathon - The King and Queen of Hearts

The existence of this episode just baffles me, as it undermines so much of what season three was trying to accomplish.

Summary: Rapunzel continues to try and restore the memories of her parents, King Frederic and Queen Arianna, and hopes to use the journal of Herz Der Sonne to remind them, but they do not understand the significance. Arianna still lusts for adventure, while Frederic cannot get over his obsession of egg collecting. Rapunzel recruits her friends to try and set up the perfect date for them and while they cannot find anything in common personality wise, they share a mutual love for Rapunzel. However, King Trevor arrives with the intent to woo Arianna using an ocean crystal he found.

So What Exactly Is the History Here?

We have no context for this sudden love triangle. All we know is that Trevor hates Frederic because he’s still in love with Arianna who wound up marrying him instead.

But like, I don't know why Arianna married Frederic. I don’t know why Trevor is still hung up on her years later. Did she actually choose Frederic or was it an arranged marriage cause that’s what royalty did back then? Was she having an affair with Trevor this whole time but couldn’t/wouldn’t leave because of duty? Was she and Trevor pining star crossed lovers, or is Trevor just an incel?

I know what the story wants me to assume; that Arianna deeply loves Frederic and that Trevor is just a jackass loser; but the series has done such a poor job of making Frederic likable and giving him and Arianna any sort of chemistry that I’m inclined to side with Trevor.

For all we know, he may be trying to rescue Arianna from both her memory loss and her abusive relationship while at it. Especially now that she’s no longer needed as a ruler and has no reason to stay in Corona.

Why Not Just Use the Potion from Rapunzel: Day One?

While any Varian cameo is appreciated, it doesn’t add thing to the story. In fact it only raises more questions. We already had a cure for the memory loss, why aren’t we using it?

Even if we write it off as Rapunzel no longer having that particular Saporian spellbook on hand, she still has a whole dungeon full of actual Saporians who know magic that she could gain information from! There’s also Xavier, who already knows everything under the sun about Saporian/Coronian history and magic and owns spellbooks galore. You’re telling me he just has mood potions lying around but can’t brew up a cure for memory loss?

Then there’s also the fact that the amnesia spell doesn’t work on Rapunzel’s parents the same as it did on Rapunzel and we’re never given a reason why. Like just some basic consistence is all I ask show.

I also can’t figure out what Varian is even trying to do here. Where’s is the science to this? What does strawberry goop and lighting have to do with memory? It’s just a cheap reference to Frankenstein and nothing more.

We’re Already Pass Seven Months Since Rapunzel’s Return.

Ok, I have gotten into frequent debates with people about the timeline of season three. Many a story board artist and writer on the show have came forward and stated that season three was only one year. But the very existence of this episode disproves them!

If you remember season one, Hearts Day took place after the Goodwill Festival, but before Queen for a Day. Even when putting episodes back into their intended production order that still remains true.

Hearts Day has to be at least seven months past Rapunzel’s birthday, if not eight months, because the Goodwill Festival is six months past and her parent’s anniversary (QfaD) is nine months past.

Now Rapunzel’s Return has to be Rapunzel’s 20th birthday because season two was a full year, and even if you say it’s not, then that still doesn’t explain Once a Handmaiden (the Goodwill Festival) coming after this episode.

And no you can’t move the episodes around, Once a Handmaiden has be the second to last episode of the series and Under Raps always comes after Rapunzel’s Enemy in any order you watch the series in.

No matter how you slice it, we’re missing a birthday episode for Rapunzel and season three has to be more than a year; a year and a half at the very least, if not two full years.

Look I’m not trying to be disrespectful of the talented artists who worked on this show, but their word isn’t law. The very fact that they’ve had to tell us the timeline after the series was over with indicates bad writing, and the very fact that the show itself contradicts them indicates either a lack of communication behind the scenes or a lack of editorial oversight. Either option is just poor management.

We Have Yet Another Failed Narrative Promise!

Are we seeing a pattern yet?

This is the third time in a row where the episode flat out states that Rapunzel needs to learn something and then, just, never has her learn it; four if you count her non-apology to Varian. Instead the show rewards her for her bad behavior by just giving her want she wants on a sliver platter for no adequate reason.

In fact, one could argue that this episode is the worst offender in the show because divorce is a real thing real kids have to go through. Children that will undoubtedly watch the series.

How upsetting would it be to such a child to watch Rapunzel force her parents back together with zero consequences and realize that they can’t do that in real life? It can potentially feed into misplaced delusions or make them even more bitter, either way it’s unhealthy and super irresponsible to tackle such subject matter in this way. Even Sesame Street handled the topic of divorce better than this supposedly ‘mature’ show.

It’s a Castle! Why Can’t Frederic Get His Own Room?

Frederic is the king. He still technically owns everything even if he’s not the one still in charge. He could have his pick of any room so why is he forcing himself on Eugene? Hell he doesn’t even have to stay in the castle. As pointed out during The Return of the King review, there’s other accommodations within the kingdom that’s suited for royalty. Why not head up to that mountain retreat?

This is a Really Bad Message

I understand that this is meant to be a joke, because of how ridiculously over the top it is, but because the series gives Rapunzel what she wants in the end without ever having her acknowledge how she is wrong here, it winds up validating her toxic world view anyways.

Divorce is not inherently a bad thing. We should be working towards both normalizing it and promoting healthy coping mechanisms for those that go through it, adult and child alike. What Rapunzel is doing here is just repeating puritanical fearmongering. And while I can understand why she might behave in this way, I don't understand why the show refuses to call her out on it. Or any of the other million bad behaviors she displays repeatedly through out the show... like the example below for instance...

Why Am I Suppose to Like Rapunzel Again?

It’s like the writers don’t understand that a joke can damage a character, especially if it’s overplayed. Super sweet upbeat Rapunzel snapping because she finally met someone who was annoying or a situation she couldn’t just solve with a positive attitude was funny maybe like the first time; but we’re three seasons in and this is supposedly her closest loved ones.

Look at them! They’re fucking terrified of her! All they did was point out that she maybe should do her job and deal with real problems instead of poking her nose into her parents business where it doesn’t belong! And this brat is now the ruler of the whole kingdom!? No one can legally stand up to her.

Like where’s the Eugene that stood up to her in Under Raps for trying this same bullshit? Why hasn’t she learned her lesson? She also pulled this same bullying tactic on young Lance and teen Eugene two episodes. Cass left her ass, supposedly, because of her bossy thoughtless ways. And this is also the same woman who abused a child back in season one and still has never acknowledged it.

Yes characters should be flawed, but they should also face real consequences for their actions, and if they’re a protagonist they need to learn and grow past their flaws.

I actively started to dislike Rapunzel after this scene. I already felt something was off way back in the season three opener, but this is the point where I stopped and went “What the fuck?” She used to be my second favorite character behind Varian. I didn’t go into this wanting to hate her, even after this episode I still held out hope that they were trying to purposefully lead up to some sort of falling out with everyone and with Rapunzel having to own up to her bullshit in order to win. You know like a classic third act “the hero is now alone due to their past mistakes” type story. But Nope!

There’s no pay off for any of this. Rapunzel is just mean for the sake of being mean in season three, and no one is aloud to call her out on it. She’s now the same type person as Frederic, a tyrant. That’s not a good development!

She’s Literally Bullying Her Own Parents Now, and I’m Suppose to Find that Funny?

Yes, Frederic is her abuser, and yes some people might find this scene cathartic if they hate him. But this isn’t actually calling out his past abuse. It’s just Rapunzel treating a now powerless old man with that same abuse and denying him bodily autonomy. An old man who has both less political rights and less power within the relationship than her; since due to his memory loss he is now dependent upon her.

In the real world it’s the equivalent of picking on an Alzheimer's patient who is in your care. I don’t give a shit how much of dick they were before the illness set in, you don’t fucking do that!

Why Should I Want Arianna and Frederic To Be a Couple?

The show has done nothing to sell this relationship. In fact one could argue that the show is trying to purposefully sabotage it.

Before the memory loss Frederic was proven to be abusive, to the point where even his own wife was afraid of him and wouldn’t stand up to him. Meanwhile Arianna was shown to be a shell of her former self who’d all but given up upon the things she actually enjoyed in life. And now that they both have had a second chance they have even less motive to stay together.

Look at Arianna up there? She’s clearly not enjoying her time with him. While he doesn’t want to engage in anything that she likes. I mean a couple doesn’t have to share their interests in everything, but there still has to be some sort of connection and the series just does not give us that connection.

There’s no reason why they should stay together. They no longer have any commitment or duty to fulfill as rulers and their daughter is fully grown. Contrary to what Rapunzel says, the kingdom isn’t going to fall apart if they separate. It actually would probably better for everyone, including Rapunzel, if they got divorced. At least then she’d have to grow up somewhat and stop being a controlling asshat.

Why is Attila Here?

I thought Attila got a job running his own bakery and that it was Lance who became the new cook at the Snuggly Duckling? Even if you argued that Attila was just doing Rapunzel a solid that still wouldn’t explain who is running the place when Lance isn’t there.

If you’re going to set up developments like that then you need to either stick with them or give an on screen reason for why these previous developments are no longer relevant. Flat out ignoring them like this is just lazy.

Lance’s New Outfit is the Best Thing About the Episode, and It’s Also a Complete Waste.

Lance deserved a new outfit because the team was too lazy to give him one for season two, even during the island arc. This however is a waste because it doesn’t add anything to the narrative. People were paid to make this thing for it to only show up for a few seconds of screen time.

This Whole Exchange Is Gross.

Oh let me count the ways in which this is so, so stupid.

Neither Rapunzel nor Frederic has ever proven themselves “thoughtful and responsible.” In fact both of them being irresponsible is intentionally a plot point in the main story arc.

How would either Frederic or Arianna know any of this? Not only have they lost their memories, but they didn’t raise Rapunzel themselves and those traits aren’t inherited; they are taught.

Gushing over your grown daughter isn’t a point of connection!

Why would anyone be compelled to kiss a practical stranger, that they previously didn’t even like, just because they both admire some woman they also barely know and happen to be related to? What is the thought process behind this? ��Oh we made that? Then lets make another one!” What the fuck show? I’m ace and even I know that’s not a normal thing to get titillated over.

The Series Turns Frederic Into a Literal Baby In a Last Ditch Effort to Make Him Likable

The whole point behind the amnesia plot was to absolve Frederic of his past wrong doings. You can’t call out an old man with Alzheimer's for being a dictator, I suppose. (not like that’s ever stopped me from criticizing Ronald Reagan, tho) But from there the series then takes it one step further and actually infantilizes both Frederic and Arianna, because Chris assumes that if he makes Fredric as pathetic as possible the audience won't hate him any more. Well guess what, it didn’t work. Frederic isn’t suddenly a poor woobie just because he’s useless now. That’s not how that works.

Rapunzel Literally Physically Assaults a Person, Kidnaps Them, Threatens Them With Even More Bodily Harm, and Causes an International Incident; All Because They Asked Her Mom Out On a Date!

You can’t hear it in the screen shots, but there’s very clearly a clanging sound to indicate that Rapunzel just wacked Trevor upside the head and knocked him out.

Let me repeat, a Disney protagonist just committed armed assault against a guy, simply because she doesn’t respect her own mother.

What the Fuck!!!???

Arianna is fully grown woman. She is perfectly capable of making her own choices and she agreed of her own volition to go out with him. In fact she’s the one who asked Trevor if she could come along on his sea voyage. It’s not Rapunzel’s place to interfere with that.

Secondly, Rapunzel shouldn’t get a free pass to attack people just because she’s doesn’t like them. And she most assuredly shouldn’t get to write off her cruelty as justice because she's royalty! What the hell? You just turned one of your official princesses into a literal tyrant for the sake of a joke, Disney!

Where the fuck was the oversight on this show!?

And to top it all off, Trevor is a ruler of a competing kingdom. This could easily have been deemed an act of war. Thankfully for everyone involved Trevor has far more sense and compassion than Rapunzel and doesn’t push the matter.

Yes that’s right! The intentionally annoying prat and comedic antagonist is a more upstanding person than the main heroine! Let that sink in!

Wait, If Laws Don’t Apply Out In the Ocean, Then Why Did Eugene and Max Have Jurisdiction to Arrest Lady Caine in Peril on the High Seas?

Max shoved this same rule book into Eugene’s face when Eugene rightfully questioned if it was his job to arrest the mutineers. This book said that it was not only his job, but that he was also legally required to stop any and all ‘wrongdoing’ no matter where he was at nor whether he was on duty or not. While also failing to specify what ‘wrongdoing’ entailed.

Now that’s very problematic and ridiculous for a whole host of reasons that I’ve already covered back in my review of Peril on the High Seas, but this scene now adds a whole new layer of stupidity to the mix.

If zero laws apply out in open waters than yes, Eugene and Max were acting out of their jurisdiction. Not only that, but the pervious dumb rule regarding their duties is also now null and void. So, Justice For Lady Caine!

Oh, but were not done yet, cause it gets dumber.

If laws, including marriage don't apply, then getting married while out at sea also would not apply. Thereby rendering Trevor’s plan useless, unless they got married back in Equis. Which if they did that, it would bypass the entire pointless rule book completely because Equis is not subject to Corona’s laws anyways.

There’s not even any ‘inter-kingdom’ laws that they would be subject too because Equis isn’t a part of the seven kingdoms. Any treaty they did previously have with Corona would be something else entirely, and Trevor would be within his rights to end such an agreement.

Also Trevor is a king. He can do whatever the fuck he wants. Same goes for Arianna.

Ummm, No You Don’t Rapunzel

Trevor can’t marry Arianna without her agreement to it. It’s already been established that she’s physically capable of taking care of herself and she’s also mature enough to make her own decisions. If she did wind up marrying him it’d be because it’s her fucking choice to and Rapunzel has zero right to interfere with that.

There’s no one to rescue here. Rapunzel has no reason to go chasing after her mom. All this is doing is denying a grown woman agency over her own life. Why should I or anyone, root for Rapunzel here?

You Do Know That Arianna Has More Than Just Two Choices Here, Don't Ya Show?

Arianna doesn’t have to be in any relationship. That’s also an option. While I personally like Trevor, this shouldn’t be a choice between him or Frederic. The show should be asking what Arianna, as a character, would want for her life, instead of just shoehorning her into just being a wife for someone else.

I still don’t know what Arianna really wants in life, but I do know that being a domestic housewife and a queen does not suit her. She doesn’t actually like being tied down with commitments and responsibilities. She’s repeatedly indicated over and over again that she feels uncomfortable in her role.

But the show reduces her into trophy to win and turns her into a damsel in distress multiple times. Then it further neuters her so that she complacently walks back into that life over and over again for no logical reason. She’s treated not as a person but as a prop.

Really, Arianna? Are You Really Sure About That?

These aren’t Arianna’s words. They’re Chris’s.

Arianna has shown zero interest in Frederic up to this point. The closest they got was during that creepy boat scene where they just jumped to almost kissing for no real reason. While before now Arianna was making actual goo-goo eyes at Trevor earlier, before Raps stepped in and broke them up.

They actually do have things in common and had a genuine point of connection. They even almost kissed themselves until Raps started being a dick. No forced and icky conversations about their grown children needed here folks!

While I still firmly believe Arianna should just be single, the show does far more to convince me that she and Trevor should be together more so than her and Frederic. Everything about this scene on the boat feels forced and hollow because it doesn’t ring true to what was previously established.

This just isn’t good writing. It’s the animation equivalent of a six year old smashing their Barbie dolls faces together and shouting “now kiss!”, all because a middle aged man couldn’t get over they fact people didn’t like his self insert.

No, wait, I apologize. That’s being mean to six year olds. They usually have more interesting plots and established characterization than this.

Hey, Remember When the Series Villainized an Orphan For Stealing This Stupid Book?

Yeah, stealing the book was treason and the mains ruined a child’s life over it, but apparently it just doesn’t matter any more cause no one seems to give a shit about Trevor taking it. Like, yes, as the king of another kingdom, Trevor isn’t beholden to Frederic’s bullshit, but you would think that the characters would treat this as a bigger deal than what they do, given how they responded previously to it being taken.

Unless Rapunzel was just talking out of her ass back during The Alchemist Returns. That’s also quite possible.

This Literally Has Nothing To Do With You Rapunzel

Just because Rapunzel herself is a woman, doesn’t mean that stealing the agency of another female character isn’t misogynist. Especially when their both written by primarily men.

Every guy who was involved with the writing of the episode, should be fucking ashamed of themselves!!!

So What Exactly Has Trevor Done Wrong Up To This Point?

Yes, the story board artists and voice actors do a lot of heavy lifting here to try and make Trevor seem like a creep. Arianna’s body language and tone of voice when dealing with him here will be very familiar to a lot of women, I’m sure. I know what it’s like to have a stalker and not know how to turn them down because you’ve been trained all your life to ‘be polite and nice” to people, and I’m not unique in that regard.

But here’s the thing, it’s not set up properly. There’s nothing backing this sudden shift in the characters’ dynamic. Up till now Trevor has been a perfect gentlemen. Sure he was over the top as always, and you could call it an act when regarding his politeness to Frederic, but he seemed to genuinely respect and admire Arianna and clearly desires genuine affection in return from her. Why would he suddenly stop behaving in a way that worked for him and start talking over her instead?

Also why wouldn’t Arianna just tell him no to begin with if that’s what she wants? She had no trouble speaking her mind before now. But that begs the question why she wouldn’t return his feelings as well, because as stated above, she clearly showed interest in him previously.

This is So Fucking Forced

Yeah, okay, you’re daughter has no reason to be here to begin with, disrespected your wishes, and attacked Trevor first. At this point I’d argue he has a right to retaliate. Especially since, if Rapunzel was allowed to board, you know she’d just attack him again, because she knows no other way to resolve conflicts other than to hit people very hard.

Arianna’s actions here only make sense if she’s kept in the dark about what an awful human being her daughter really is. That’s poor writing.

Also, having a woman just punch people while denying them actually agency and choice within the plot is not ‘girl power.’ It’s fucking misogyny!

How Does Doing the Bare Minimum, and Just Showing Basic Human Decency Count As ‘True Love’?

What was she suppose to do? Let him drown? I mean I wouldn’t, and I despise the man. Not to mention anyone else could have done the same thing. They’re all right there. If Lance had jumped to the rescue would Trevor have proclaim them lovers too?

Trevor Is Still the Better Man Here

Here he is rescuing Rapunzel even after she treated him like shit.

Best. King. Period.

This Still Doesn’t Redeem Frederic

So through out the episode Frederic has inexpiably shown an obsession for eggs. He now collects them even though this was never an established trait before now. But whatever. He’s just been through something traumatic and looking for something to ground himself. Far be it from me to make fun of someone else’s special interest. If you like to collet eggs than good for you. Go live your life to fullest.

That’s more respectful than how the show handles it, as everyone dismiss his interest and it’s treated like a joke through out the episode. Only to have said obsession save the day. But this isn’t here to teach the others about respecting other people’s hobbies, oh no, it’s here to try and give Frederic a big hero moment so you’ll cheer for him.

Except one nice thing does not erase his past actions! I don’t care what your hobby is, if you deliberately try to cause grievous harm to people you’re and asshole! And you will continue to be an asshole until you can admit what you’ve done wrong and try your best to make up for it.

I Hope You Made Back Up Copies of The Tunnel Maps

A bunch of people are more upset over this development than I am, because it is a historical artifact and preserving the past is important. But the only story function the book held was a map to the tunnels, and said tunnels were never utilized properly through out the entire show.

To this day people still don’t understand that they’re meant connect the island to Old Corona or that Herz Der Sonne is the one who built them into order to invade Saporia because the show is so bad at its world building. And come season three, they’re all but irrelevant anyways. Such a wasted concept.

Once Again the Whole ‘Memory Loss’ Subplot Is a Copout

Ok that’s not how the spell worked previously, but that’s not what I’m taking issue with here.

If the whole point behind the amnesia plot twist was to sweep Frederic’s awfulness under the rug, then I expect his past actions to be addressed once he’s regained his memories. They are not.

This episodes reverses the very thing that the season was trying to achieve and just hopes the audience is too stupid/attention deficient to notice. Well guess what, we noticed and we’re far smarter than you Chris.

Conclusion

I don’t understand the point of this episode. It shoots everything season three is trying to do in the foot. It screws up the timeline, makes Rapunzel even more of an irredeemable dickhead while preventing her from learning yet another needed lesson, undermines Arianna as a character once again, and it puts Frederic back in the crosshairs of the audience’s scrutiny.

Oh and look, it’s written by the same guy who wrote Rapunzel’s Return. Why am I not surprised.

Anyways another one down and only 15 more to go. You can support my continued marathon by dropping a tip in my ko-fi if you wish. I’m currently back to job hunting yet again and anything you can give is appreciated.

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#Rapunzel #rapunzel's tangled adventure #anti-tangled #anti-rapunzel #ferderic #arianna #tangled #tangled the series

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