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rumpunch · 2 years ago

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HIIII so… i finally got to see hadestown this weekend (the national tour production) w two of my best friends 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 i knew we were gonna see it for months but i didnt want to post abt it beforehand / acknowledge it in any way after making plans bc i was scared i would jinx it like what happened when i posted / talked abt seeing shows on the west end and then covid hit and sent me home lol. but i can’t believe i finally saw it!! it doesn’t feel real and honestly didn’t until right now as im writing this….. being in the theater was truly an out of body (and mind lol) experience for better or for worse. this was my first time seeing a show since covid and im soooo glad it was this one given how much it’s meant to me for all these years 🥹💗

i have a lot of thoughts on the production and also the plot / story so here they are lol:

production thoughts

for context ive never seen a hadestown 👢 before, i told myself that i wanted my first experience of seeing it to be actually seeing it in person. but ive listened to the obcr 5798673594 times over the last 3 years and the songs have become thoroughly woven into my life... so that made for a really weird experience where i knew every word but was watching it unfold for the first time and yet i knew what was coming for the most part. that also could be chalked up to the fact that ive seen so many gifsets and have read so many posts about other ppl seeing the show so i did know about some visual things.. but yeah it was just weird what i knew / expected and what i didnt lol

my friends and i sat in the back right corner of the mezzanine (like the LITERAL corner. no chairs behind us or next to us and the exit right next to us) and sadly the balcony in the set was cut off for us so we had to keep leaning across each other or scrunching our heads down to see the action up there :~/ but it was ok

i think bc of the above two bullet points + the fact that i really did not let myself believe that i was going to see the show bc i was scared of jinxing it + me having depression / possible derealization issues that i did not have when i first got into this show... i was kinda numb the entire time which sucks a little. i cried a couple times (happy / disbelieving tears in road to hell (persephone's entrance specifically for some reason, idk why it wasnt the "aight"s LOL) and any way the wind blows, sad tears in doubt comes in) but i didnt really... process anything in the moment or really experience the epic highs and lows of it while watching it. i just generally wasnt very moved! and im processing the show right now for the first time. and that kinda sucks and is unlike me and unlike what i thought seeing it was gonna be like. in a similar vein i found myself really focused on whoever was in the spotlight and im kinda mad at myself for that bc this is a show where SO many little details / context clues are communicated when ppl are in the background. but its fine i guess, i may be in a weird place mentally but i got to see it and maybe i'll see it again someday and be more moved

the cast was PHENOMENALLLLLL. j antonio rodriguez was our orpheus and he was the standout for me, his singing and acting as were breathtaking! i was frustrated about hannah whitley (eurydice) though bc like (and i feel bad for saying all of this)... nobody can be eva noblezada but hannah was missing a lot of notes / singing off key and kept like.. idk what the technical term for it is but she was kinda singing on her own beat and adding in a lot of pauses or rushing into things instead of staying on pace with the music and also she kept kinda revving up into the high notes and all of it grated on me. but i grew warmer to her singing in act 2 and i really appreciated her acting throughout! i didnt rly have many thoughts about hades (matthew patrick quinn), persephone (maria christina oliveras), or hermes (nathan lee graham) aside from ADORING all of their performances and what they brought to the roles compared to the obc! and the fates (dominique kempf, belén moyano, courtney lauster) / ensemble (kc dela cruz, colin lemoine, sean watkinson, shavey brown, raquel williams) / musicians were INCREDIBLE and had such amazing chemistry with and between each other :~D

antonio made for a bolder more charming orpheus and hannah made for a darker moodier more tortured eurydice which was interesting. but (and maybe this was just me dealing with the whole numbness / already knowing what to expect thing) i wasnt really convinced about their love story (specifically the early parts of it in act i as they were falling in love) or that orpheus in particular was insecure and vulnerable to the fates. but they did have some good chemistry in act ii especially and i was rooting for them so hard despite knowing wht was to come :~(

i knew that on broadway they have that little elevator in the center of the stage so i was curious about how it would work in the tour and... they had this giant oven box thing with moving doors! i actually really liked that, it made the whole idea of traveling to / from hadestown seem more sinister. that said i was kinda bothered by it during doubt comes in because orpheus and eurydice had to walk around the entire stage to make sure eurydice was positioned in front / inside of the oven and it kinda spoiled the ending in a way (even though we all know how that ends)... im guessing that on broadway its less exaggerated and you dont see it coming bc all eurydice has to do is just move over to the side a little. but idk i'll finally let myself watch a 👢 and see what the difference is

i couldnt take my eyes off of hades and persephone during promises. they started the song with hades kneeling with his head against persephone's stomach and then he stood up and they just hugged.... for a LONG time. like at least 3-5 minutes. and i was like god i wish that were me and i was thinking about what that mustve been like for the actors playing them.. like if thats a moment that they share and look forward to or whatever bc i know i would. it made me think about jenna's dear baby monologue in you matter to me LOLLLL

i saw from another post i read on here (as i was pregaming for the show by scrolling thru my hadestown tag LMAO) that orpheus runs through the audience at one point? and he didnt do that for us that i saw which i was bummed about. maybe thats just a broadway thing

i had no idea the set splits open during wait for me!!! it was so cool

i also didnt know / fully realize that hades produces a flower for persephone during epic iii 😭 the tears in my eyes... also speaking of epic iii hades singing the lalalalalalalaaaa got a LAUGH and i was so MAD!!!!! i get that its kinda funny because it just sounds so weird in his voice and its a startling moment... but that pissed me off bc the moment is supposed to be so tender and heartbreaking and the audience didnt appreciate that.. augh.

since its pride month the set was initially lit up with rainbow lights and in act ii hermes had little rainbow tassles on the ends of his sleeves!! :~D

plot / story thoughts

another context bullet point to kick us off: i discovered hadestown in the spring / summer of 2019 which was an INCREDIBLY formative time for me and so many aspects of the show (creative expression as a tool / forum for bringing about the world as it could be (and illuminating the possibilities in the world as it is), discovering that you have agency, love / loyalty / betrayal / sustenance, finding your purpose, etc.) were profoundly relevant to things that i was awakening to at that exact place and time in my own life. so i went into this experience hoping to have more insights like the kind i had when i first listened to the obcr... and i didnt really. i mean i had some but they didnt feel as profound i guess? and again that may just be me having mental health issues now that i didnt have then.. but that was a thing that i was aware of and kinda sad about. so yeah

that said... the main thing along those lines that i did take away (which really only hit me while watching epic iii / promises) is like... love is agency is love is agency is love.... or something like that. at least that they coexist and happen together. the oppressive conditions in hadestown and the poverty in the overworld strip the gods and humans alike of... their humanity (which is weird to apply to the gods but still)! their sense of self, and their love for each other and the world. the moment that became clear for me was in epic iii when the workers took off their goggles one by one and it was like.. they could See again! they could see themselves and each other, they were holding hands with each other and singing together. and they saw a future that they could create together. and hades was letting persephone dance and she kept spinning away from him with her arms outstretched like a bird but then coming back... idk. im not articulating this well and i need to think about it more and let it simmer for a bit and maybe watch a 👢 to get all the details. but it was like yeah... the opposite of capitalism imperialism etc etc is love and agency and they go together and they are the same thing.

another thing i need to think about more: orpheus went to hadestown all by himself to get eurydice! how come he was so confident then? he was LITERALLY alone. he didnt know where she went or if she would come back with him. and he didnt have the workers following him (though they were there in wait for me swinging the lamps, but i interpreted them as being like... part of the scenery i guess). he was completely alone and operating off of hope AND THE FATES TAUNTED HIM TOO and he was like... fine! so then in doubt comes in.. when he has all these people including eurydice following him... like idk. maybe its just because he'd confronted hades who couldnt fully be trusted and he knew that eurydice had turned her back on him and stuff... like maybe its just because on the journey back he'd experienced things that caused him to doubt / mistrust the people he was journeying with / from and that's what made him vulnerable, not so much the physical loneliness but the emotional loneliness that comes with a betrayal. which is something i just realized typing it out lol. but that kinda agitated me bc its like... he was FINE the way up so why did he crumble on the way back :~(

doubt comes in is such a fucking GUT PUNCH btw. i wanted to cry harder but didnt let myself bc i didnt want to be too loud or soil my mask. but i was so so scared to see it and it devastated me. its just so... SAD. and its so... like i relate to / identify with orpheus SO much yes in part because of the creative expression / seeing the two worlds thing but also because of doubt comes in specifically. its just so so so sad. he had all of these people including the person he loved most cheering him on and echoing to him. and he couldnt hear them. and he couldnt internalize how much they loved and believed and trusted in him. and he turned. that is so wrenchingly real. and it hurt so bad to see it playing out on the stage knowing what was about to happen and then WATCHING it in all the brilliant horror. like thats another insane thing the way the lights get so wildly bright. actually now that i mention that i think the lights are brighter in hadestown when bad things are happening. like hades saying I CONDUCT THE ELECTRIC CITY etc etc. that could be a whole post. someone should make that

im thinking a lot about The Song and whose song it is and actually WHICH song it is. bc if you think about it... so we're introduced to the lalalalalalalaaaa and whatever song that is which builds in the epics. and that song incites a lot of action like orpheus (quite literally!) tuning out eurydice which causes her to choose to go to hadestown, and hades realizing what love is and whatever. but another song that is equally if not more catalytic is.... IF IT'S TRUE!!!! bc thats the song that sparks the revolution among the workers and gives orpheus hope that he almost lost after learning about eurydice's betrayal and inspires eurydice to fight for something instead of succumbing to her fate. and in wait for me reprise when eurydice is singing "echoing OUR song" "the falling of OUR feet" ... like they're not alone as just the two of them, the workers are coming too!! so which song is she referring to! what if it's actually "if it's true" and the hopes that orpheus has stirred up about what the world could be?

btw speaking of orpheus tuning out eurydice... im sure this point has been made 5476463979 times but its rly interesting to think about how love languages (for lack of a better way to put it, ik that can be kinda reductive) work in this show. eurydice and orpheus both attempt to address the storm but the ways they choose to do it are different / dont align: eurydice tries to manage the short term by searching for food and firewood, while orpheus works on the song that will bring spring back and stop this kind of disaster from happening again. but iirc they dont talk about how they're going to take these two different but equally important strategies — eurydice at least interprets the song as being unimportant and orpheus just... straight up seems unaware of the food / firewood thing also being important. so theres a communication failure and eurydice interprets the silence as abandonment (for good reason, also relatable) and turns her back (ha!) on orpheus. and then with hades and persephone... hades does all these big flashy power gestures to show his love for persephone but it's the exact opposite of what she wants and they dont see eye to eye about how to express their love for each other either. yeah

speaking of eurydice making that choice... like yeah. sigh. betrayal is such a huge thing in this show. trust and betrayal. eurydice was (kind of) leading orpheus through the immediate short term danger of the storm and she turned on him. and the fact that she did was part of the reason orpheus turned on her. they made their vows in promises that they would walk side by side but he couldnt get over it (partially bc they literally weren’t allowed to physically walk as they planned but still). and eurydice said "im right behind you and i have been all along" and its like no you havent been thats the entire plot of the show lol (again for understandable reasons but still!)

another thing im sure has been analyzed 456456984 times but its interesting to think about hermes watching everything playing out while knowing how it will end and not choosing to intervene. idk what that means and my laptop is running out of battery so im not going to dig into it but im just thinking on it. BUT ALSO THAT GOES FOR US AS THE AUDIENCE like so many ppl probably know how it ends and maybe some ppl are seeing it multiple times and its like... anyone could intervene and change the story (within reason ofc). also goes for the other ppl on stage too like the musicians etc. its just interesting to think about the implications of that and what would happen if someone tried it both "in character" and "out of character" i guess

its interesting to think about the role walls play in the show too. like the wall hades is making the workers build to keep out the "enemy" and keep them (him) powerful and prosperous in their (his) isolation vs the walls repeating the falling of feet, echoing songs... letting people know theyre not alone. and the fact that that doesnt happen in doubt comes in even though orpheus is being followed by a whole crowd basically. idk. fascinating

ok those are all of my thoughts i think! i also saw some interesting posts / takes that im going to rb again bc theyre on my mind as i interpret the show but i dont want to put them in this post bc theyre not my original thoughts. ty for reading if you did :~D this is a glorious new era in rumpunch nation im so glad and grateful that i can finally say ive seen this beautiful show!

#tess talks #hadestown

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aranarumei · 2 years ago

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tagged by @hua-fei-hua! it’s been ages since I’ve done one of these it was kind of fun lol! sorry for the delayed answers...

1. are you named after anyone?

a couple of ppl assume my name is kiri because it’s like, referencing kirishima from bnha. i haven’t kept up with bnha properly since. honestly since the dabi reveal ch dropped so that’s… nov 5th 2020 lol. I’ve got residual feelings abt it but not much interest in actually reading it (sorry). nowadays I don’t get as much of that anymore—my name is just like. digimon dusk only lets your character have a 4 character name max so I hit various syllables together and keysmashed until it sounded good. im attached to it now.

2. when was the last time you cried?

…today lol. i cry easy when i'm frustrated.

3. do you have kids?

no. I have a Feeling this will be rather unrelatable to whoever I tag so. electing to present my own question:

3 (again). [FREE SPACE] recommend a song?

im gonna recommend Tsuru (en: Bowstring) by koyori / denbolP bc it’s great. I love this producer actually.

4. do you use sarcasm a lot?

mm I think im probably averagely sarcastic but like. I do have a habit of like. ex: someone will be like oh where’s [kiri]? when I’m literally right there and I have the immediate impulse to say, completely straightfaced, like “oh [kiri]? sorry they’ve been dead for seven years. they’ve never been in this room in your entire life.” so essentially I like doubling down on things when I think it’s funny.

5. what sports do you play/have played

i played basketball for six years!

6. what's the first thing you notice about people?

i think the first like, physical detail I pay proper Attention to is earrings. just cause I like em. apart from that it’s probably their voice and what they find funny.

7. eye color?

brown. comparatively I think it’s rather dark to the point of looking black.

8. scary movies or happy endings?

i mean I feel like this is a. false dichotomy but I really don’t have a good stomach for horror and stuff so. happy endings ig.

9. any special talents?

talents… I’ve memorized my squares up to 30-ish, so like if for example if someone says 28 I can rattle off 784. I’ve been told I have a talent for talking abt media I like but that’s also something said by my lovely friends lol.

10. where were you born?

on earth. im also electing to replace this with my own question:

10 (again). what made you make a tumblr account?

if ppl look at my blog they shall think I showed up in 2020 but I’ve actually been here since 2015. I just… deactivated my acct by accident when I meant to delete a sideblog. ok. so obviously I remade in that case. I made one back in 2015, though, because I was like, really into hxh and ran into some hxh blogs I was like. in love with. also some fairy tail fic authors I rly respected were on here. and I wanted to discuss hxh and post fic. so I joined.

11. what are your hobbies?

writing! and reading! and drawing! and playlist making. im basic. writing is probably #1 to me tho I rly enjoy it. like for all I complain about it I actually really enjoy the act of like putting down words and crafting stuff and editing. I’d actually love to beta fic more regularly. and get reallllly good at grammar (seriously if anyone has any resources on that chuck it at me) and action scenes. those r my big two dreams.

12. do you have any pets?

nope! i do have a depressing amount of wips I have not taken care of, tho…

13. how tall are you?

5’2” or about 158 cm, i haven't measured myself lately. I’ve been told my various sources that I have “tall person energy” tho. im not as good abt it nowadays but I tend to be a bit careful abt keeping my back straight. at the very least I’m pretty aware of it. I wanna say it was just cool of me to be that way bc I was into having good posture but I’m like 90% sure it was because I read skip beat and I really liked that kyoko stood that way.

14. favorite subject in school?

math by farrrr. literature is dependent on the teacher for quality imo and while I enjoyed it I was always a bit sad that we never did any creative writing. math is just very nicely methodical.

15. dream job?

honestly I don’t have one. like I’d love to publish a book some day but I don’t want it to be my Job. im pretty satisfied just doing smthing productive-feeling and where I have enough free time tbh.

no obligation to answer ofc to anyone tagged. also if you don’t want to answer any of the questions just reject them... I just provided alternates bc I felt like it. i think this is supposed to be 15 questions for 15 mutuals but i dont want to tag that many people... @icharchivist @sunnnfish @dirtbra1n @mxddyhero @heartsdash @watcher-ofthe-sky @estradasphere

#tag game #kiri.txt

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hyunverse · 2 years ago

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oooo that sounds fun!! what’d you make ?? :)) idk how you manage to live w 7 ppl i’d lose my mind lollll

ME TOO !!! he’s everywhere 😭. ik what’s up w hyunjins pcs always being pricey, it’s so annoying. YES I WAS SHOCKED AT FIRST literally squealing and then i was like nearly crying. bc he has dark blue hair and is doing his little peace sign w his little pout :((((( how could you not :((((

THE BACK DIMPLESSS YESSSS, so sexy. jeongins hands ,,,, sigh. so long and slender and pretty i just 💔. i think i hear the word hands and just instantly become delusional, it’s like i’m in a trance 🤭. AND HANS WAIST GAHHHHH i want to grab it. he has such a cute belly button too 😭 oddly specific but it is true. they all have cute ones from what we’ve seen tbh

ohhh yes i get that, that’s rly awesome you study it tho !! it’s fun to learn new languages even when it’s challenging and then it’s rly rewarding when you can have convos w ppl based on their language. i love interactions like that they make me happy

ITS GOING SO GOOD, thank you for asking love <33 i’m gonna post it tmrw night and i’m rly exciteddddd. i was telling kana how i’m excited to be able to send you guys pics now too, i want to show off my cats hehe. OOOO OT8 HCSSS THATS SO EXCITINGGGGG. i cant wait to read them 😋. u better be sleeping rn 😠😠😠😠 as much as u can bc u have no classes 😠😠😠 (this is my new fave emoji bc it looks like leebit hehe)

- 🐈‍⬛ cuddles much needed today thank u bae🫂🫂🫂 ily kisses 4 u

made ramen with poached eggs!! my comfort food forever. aaa yeah at first it sounds hectic, i mean eight girls living in a house together feels so chaotic right 😭 but it turned out to be nice!! we have four rooms, so each room consists of two people!! i got lucky with considerate and responsible housemates, tbh. they know when they can be loud, and when they need to be quiet. it feels like i have seven sisters lol. tbh if they weren’t considerate, i think i’d lose my mind too </3

dark blue minho <333 i also love purple minho. i love all of minho tbh live laugh love minho case 145 i love minho!!!

CUTE BELLY BUTTON LMAO IM SO?5?5?5 GASPIGN FOT AIR I CANT RBSHAJS thats so random and i love it 🤝 giving me hyunjin belly button piercing in play with fire IT GOT ME ILL!!! ILL, I TELL YOU!!

i do like learning languages, i just get bored halfway </3 like i’ll want to learn another language instead </3 it’s absolutely horrid, i fr need to stop and focus on one. i literally gave up on spanish after a month LOL. i know a little sign language though!! and to read and write in arabic.

AS I AM REPLYING TO THIS, I SEE UVE MADE A REVEAL HEHRHEHFHS gonna check out the work rn!!!! im so excited!!

stop it does look like a leebit T_T that’s so cute ‘m gonna start abusing that emoji now 😠😠😠 talking abt skzoo im gonna buy jiniret and puppy.m soon ^__^ gonna sew them clothes, i am beyond excited zzz

more kisses and cuddles for u!!! mwa!!

#rin’s lovemail!#🐈‍⬛ anon 💌

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enlighten3d · 11 months ago

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okay but i actually have SOOO many thoughts abt this

this prolly isnt gonna be as... Serious as actual eva because i do not have the emotional capacity to properly understand the depth of the Shit and Emotions in eva. genuinely. its incomprehensible to me.

so itd prolly be more of a.. mecha au. heavily inspired by evangelion. bcs isnt the important part of evangelion actually the traumatised characters + their relationships? taking that away (bcs i do not fully comprehend it) leaves something completely different. also not as much of a biblical shitpost.

but were not getting into that

anygays might be calling the angels the watchers in this au because i FUCKING CAN?? watchers 👍

so the evangelions were made to fight against the watchers, yall know the drill. im going to be IGNORING ALL THE STUFF IN CANON EVA (i keep accidentally typing evo.) ABOUT. where the angels came from??? the biblical shitpost parts. because what the FUCK is going on with that. so lets just say that uhh its like canon but We Dont Talk About It

VAGUELY, the roles would be filled like this: grian would be shinji, mumbo would be rei, scar would be asuka. vaguely. (grian is shinji bcs im a grian main and you cannot stop me from putting him in the role of the main character.) and by roles i mean the order in which they become pilots! (and mumbo is an.. artificial person too bcs THAT MAN IS NOT REAL.) and which evas they pilot. + a bit of backstory... yeah okay they just get Merged pff

uhhh and. i dont have much planned, but i have a little scenario in my head!! yk the one scene in eva where theyre talking abt motivations and theres a lot of Depth and shit to it that i dont understand?? well their motivations would be.... mumbo is just kinda There, has never known anything else, and ngl rly wants to know how the evas work. grian has nothing else to do and stays bcs he refuses to allow himself to be happy. scar wants to prove people wrong and definitely didnt get banned from several countries so he took the first chance he got to live in a safe place.

anygays they kill the angels/watchers, save the world, run away and live happily together bcs i said so Ɛ>

i dont fucking know, might write a oneshot abt this. also might now. shoot me asks if youve got questions i suppose??? need to develop this au....

guys help i watched evangelion

...consider: au where grian, mumbo, and scar are eva pilots

(the hermitcraft brainrot infects all i witness)

#what the fuck do i tag this man #hermitcraft #hermitblr #grian #mumbojumbo #goodtimeswithscar #evangelion #the buttercups #buttercups eva au #< tagging so i can find this again if necessary

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yuexins · 4 years ago

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𝚄𝙽𝙳𝙴𝚁 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙿𝙴𝚃𝙰𝙻𝚂 𝙾𝙵 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙻𝙾𝚃𝚄𝚂, 𝚈𝙾𝚄 𝚂𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙼𝚈 𝙽𝙰𝙼𝙴: ??? / You're secretly happy that Wei Wuxian is gone, aren't you, Jiang Cheng? Finally no one to steal your spotlight.

fire lights up within those mourning hues of his, the first emotion he feels in ages is almost akin to anger & zǐdiàn reacts to its owner’s emotions, flickering to life where it lays dormant ‘pon his wrist. electricity sparks up his body at those words & he roars to life, slashing wherever he can with his whip. akin to a child throwing a tantrum does he move, lips curling into a severe scowl & his features pinching together in disbelief.

he’s angry. he does not understand why.

( or, perhaps, he does. he’s angry because a part of him sings to this person’s truthful tune. he’s angry because he’s selfish & he’s needy & he’s desperate to be first, to be seen for who he is- not for wei wuxian’s disappointing shīdì. not for wei wuxian’s lifeline. not for wei wuxian’s failures. )

zǐdiàn comes down on the floor with a thunderous crash, electricity dancing along the newly formed crack as his chest heaves, sweat beading at his forehead with dilated pupils, the look on his visage borderline manic. “ shut up, ” jiang cheng hisses out, his eyes cutting to the dízi resting in the corner of his room, haphazardly yet tossed aside with the slightest hint of care. the fucking flute- it’s mocking me. it’s talking to me. wei wuxian, you-

another heavy breath, another wave of wisteria - tinted lightning crackling in the air. the energy is charged ‘tween jiang cheng & chénqíng’s spirit, wei wuxian’s lost spirit though it feels like a losing battle where he succumbs to this blunt honesty, where he finally accepts that, yes, he is happy that wei wuxian is gone. he has all the light to himself & now they will look at jiang cheng for who he is rather than for who he was under. “ shut up! wei wuxian, even in death you still come to haunt me! you thought of nothing but yourself! you- what would you know? what would you know?! ” zǐdiàn cries along with jiang cheng, lashes out at chénqíng with the anger of a thousand fierce corpses, & one would expect the instrument to snap cleanly in half but it doesn’t. no, chénqíng’s spiritual energy bursts out in retaliation to zǐdiàn’s anger- it’s heavy enough to push jiang cheng to his knees with trembling pupils & sweaty palms, the hissing whip beginning to coil away on jiang cheng’s command.

anger is not a new emotion to the young sect leader; in fact, one could even say that he had been born red with anger, that his cheeks were flushed with irritation. under his mother’s watchful eye, he absorbed every bit of her resentfulness & curated it into a weapon of his own likeness. his fingers curl around his whip’s hilt with a snarl, then a scoff as he eyes the unharmed flute in the corner. “ how nice. ” but it dies out when zǐdiàn’s light weakens & the shape of the whip recoils into a snake curling around his wrist in a form of ice - cold security. chénqíng is mocking him from where it lays there, obsidian body gleaming under the wisteria glow.

jiang cheng stays on his knees, breaths coming out heavy still but shaky & on the verge of tearing at the seams. a knuckle presses into the flooring as teeth catch at his lower lip, tears free - falling, unbidden, in front of him & eventually, he finds he can barely keep upright. folding over onto the cold flooring, jiang cheng buries his face into his arms & sobs. “ you left me all alone. you said we would be the twin heroes but you broke your promise & left me. what would you know, wei wuxian? ” a pause. jiang cheng sounds insane, talking to a mere flute in this manner ( & yet, this is all he did for the thirteen years his shīxiōng had been gone, in hopes that one day he will come back ). “ you remain selfish even in death- you struck down on everyone else & left me with no one else. you left jin ling with no one. ” a watery laugh escapes his bitten, bloodied lips & the gaze that is usually so headstrong, so full of fire, seems to have been extinguished into nothingness. “ steal my spotlight, you say? you even took that with you to the soil. even now, they talk. they talk about how i had sent you to your death, they still talk about your accomplishments over my own during the campaign. just what did you leave me with?! haha ... wei wuxian, you selfish prick. ”

chénqíng’s glow falters in response to his pained words & jiang cheng turns his head, attempts to get up without falling over so he can make his way to his bed. a deep & carved - out ache resides within his chest, knuckles pressing into his cheeks to stop the rush of hot tears. happy? how can i be happy like this?

ACCUSE MY MUSES, ACCEPTING.

#ans / anon .#ans / float upon the gentle waves with resilience [ ... ] & breathe ( cheng ) .#verse / default ( cheng ) .#:)#JHJADFDGHDKLASHFJDSLKDJHASF #THIS TOOK FOREVERRRRR my adhd was like hiiii<3 #i also could not find the right song to write this to but ANYWAY #wwxs come get yalls juice #this rly made me happy(?) to write bc i got to like. talk abt how i imagined those 13 yrs went for jc ; w;#every time i write jc the replies just get longer and longer and i ajkfdAGHDFJ APOLOGIZE.............. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ #long post /#death mention /#ask to tag /

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bonesandthebees · 2 years ago

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HI! this is an anlysis ask but i saw spruces ask and was like oh no did i do something, and wanted to say that in my last ask i wasnt trying to be negative or anything about niki, i just was talking abt what we were discussing in stars discussion in the discord. didnt mean to try and pressure you in any way, im not upset abt niki or anything! :) now onwards!

so proud abt stars, its amazing, loved the new chapter, super excited for epilouge aswell!

"i need to talk to my boys" AHHAHAJHDBHGDUYBEDGJSJSHLDKJ my childhood traumatized, found family loving, i wish that was me self is SCREAMING >:3

"never trust a traitor" love that quote sm, i cant explain or really describe why but there is something about it that i was just like, oh damn that slaps

glass divine: ive never read someone elses dream, and im not 100% sure i plan to, but i WILL be reading through a glass divine! so hyped >:D

tubbo's betrayal: i want to say i saw it coming so clearly, and honestly, the little voice in my head did, but part of me was also like, nooooo tubbo, he will get hurt, save tub boi, so i was 100% in denial lmao

so glad they got to hug it out man so happy 10000000/10

overall, it was amazing. (are we rly surprised, its always amazing since it is Bee) so so proud, so grateful, and i gotta say, this is the best fic ive ever read. i loved it. i will be buying copies for all of my friends, and if you ever do a book signing, i will be there (if i can convince someone to take me) ill be there in spirit no matter what. you are my favorite author. much love to you, and i hope you know how amazing you are, and that you understand how hard to do this is, dont be afraid to take a break after stars is 100% over, because this is a huge project thats taken you super long, and its done, dont be upset about that, and if you need anything at all, we are here! sorry for being sappy fren but im so proud! <3

-👑

omg no king anon you're fine, there was someone in my comments on ao3 who posted some critique that I made a post complaining about so that's what spruce was referring to. you're totally fine I promise!!

I knew the "I need to talk to my boys" line would get people screaming (and tbh I was so excited to write that too)

THANK YOU I was so proud of the "never trust a traitor" bit

literally no pressure to read someone else's dream you don't need to and tbh I do not like someone else's dream that much bc of how I rushed it so... also glass divine is gonna deviate from it so you literally have no need to read it. so glad you're excited for glass divine!!

awww thank you so much king anon. if I ever do actually get to publish stars as an original novel that'd be a dream come true, but we'll have to wait and see if it's something I'm able to do. I'm so happy you enjoy my stories though. and don't worry about me! I'm not taking a break because I actually need a writing project going on at all times or else I have no creative outlet and I get very stressed. I love writing so much and while I know I COULD took a break, I genuinely don't want to. I always make sure I have something planned I can be working on or else I just feel way too restless. I'm just so happy I have readers who I know will read and support whatever silly story my brain decides to come up with next :)

thank you for the kind words you guys are seriously the sweetest <3

#ask #the stars and their children #king anon

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mageofarcane · 3 years ago

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i have a LOT of random gaming headcanons pls (theyre all rly random and cant be backed up AT ALL lmao)

ok so starting off!! i feel like tsukasa wouldve played animal crossing together with saki when they were little and he would grow to love the games a lot <3 he would have a wonderland themed island on acnh and play happy home paradise a lot too!! i feel like he would play story heavy games too, but def avoids horror

he would play any games that are either talked abt by his s/o or recommended to him personally <3 he also likes to play games like stardew, minecraft, animal crossing, etc. with other ppl (even though he constantly dies or gets bullied lmao) ALSO idk why (maybe the fantasy aspect in a lot of them??) but i think he would be love nintendo games!! he would enjoy playing kirby, pokemon, mario (esp party), splatoon, animal crossing, fire emblem, etc. but would 100% avoid smash bc he cant even beat a cpu :') tsukasa also def played nintendogs as a kid and knows the entirety of the kingdom hearts lore!!

as for rui, i think he would play a wide variety of games (like literally anything that peaks his interest)! i think he would play any game his s/o likes bc he rly likes to play with them! <3 he also likes story heavy games bc they sometimes give him inspiration (he also loved laughing at games with bad writing) <3 ruis probably banned from a few minecraft servers after testing bizzare redstone contraptions (that caused the server to suffer a lag spike oops </3) idk why but i also feel like rui would also have a shit ton of mods that makes the game overly complicated lmao

i gave up on organizing my thoughts for the rest of this so heres my v random list on what i think rui would or has played and likes im sorry in advance bc these feel horribly spontaneous skdhkd i think he would be weirdly good at mario kart and splatoon (loves beating tsukasa), likes the persona series, played among us and phasmophobia a few times when they were trending, likes (usually laughing at) horror and psychological thrillers, was an undertale kid, played and likes omori and deltarune, has trolled kids on roblox, downloaded those weird mobile games for laughs, and he likes most building/simulation games (esp if they have a more complex system like minecraft)

I got a little spooked when I was greeted by a wall of texted in my inbox lmao

Honestly tho, I love these headcanons a lot and some of them made me laugh, especially of how funny it is to imagine Rui terrorizing poor kids online.

I like the idea of Tsukasa having played a bunch of older games with Saki when they were younger. He'd have a blasted with happy home paradise I'm sure. Overall I think he enjoys more relaxed and often story driven games but he'd play just about anything if it were with someone else. Both he and Rui like to find inspiration from fantasy story games.

Rui, oh boy... is absolute troll on multiplayer games just for the fun of it but never in a mean-spirited way. I could see him having fun playing awful games and watching terrible movies/tv shows with his s/o just to they could make fun of it together. I like to think that Rui has played against Nene a lot in the past and she's really good at pretty much any game so it's made him pretty good. I'm sure anything would building or creating he'd love.

I imagine an among us lobby of a bunch of pjsekai characters and it being chaos with Rui being very good at being an imposter and throwing blame and is an excellent liar and so no one ever trusts him no matter what. Would also team up with an imposter while he was a crew mate just to screw everyone up lmao.

Please, give me any and all of your headcanons. I love hearing what ideas others have for these two.

#headcanons #project sekai #rui kamishiro headcanons #tsukasa tenma headcanons #i love these sm

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starmanskywalker · 2 years ago

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@hanasnx INDY you almost made me cry with this reply to my fic i swear to god 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 you're too kind and you can't imagine how unbelievably happy reading this made me. im giggling like a kid here . this is so so so motivating too. i was going to answer on the replies but you were so thoughtful and caring in your comment that i had to rb properly (also imagine my surprise at seeing that the chosen gif was originally yours 🤭)

im so glad you could connect with the human aspect of this fic bc this work means so much more to me than just porn abt fictional characters. i guess it shows bc it ended up much longer than i expected it to. i've read so much abt this specific subject before i even got into star wars lol i was super into studying abt cults for a while in my life (a few years ago i even began writing a screenplay abt a certain real life cult with a very heartbreaking story - wish i still had this kind of ambition 😰 not mentioning it by name bc its real ppl im talking abt but if you know the tiniest bit abt cults you'll get what it was based on the references i made to it in this work alone!) and i got to do here what excites me the most abt fanfiction: use a universe that was always rly daring in the way it canonically tells stories about the vicious cycles in society to write even more provocative works with the same-ish intent (with a huge dose of self-indulgence too, bc we're human and horny)

i love you!!! again thank you so much for taking the time to think so thoroughly about my silly little internet stories and i sincerely hope that im able to keep fulfilling your expectations with them with the next ones 🥰💖

possession · anakin skywalker x f!reader

hello there, @snippy-tano! i tried to do something different here, still respecting the core of your prompt and i wholeheartedly hope you enjoy this one, dear!

synopsis: you broke free from a cult a while ago. your leader - and ex-lover - wants you back.

⚠️ the jedi temple in this fic is a literal cult. ⚠️ this is a modern, no powers!au fic set in the 70s bc i’ve always wanted to write something set in that decade. even though this is very much a dubcon work, i still feel like it deserves the dead dove do not eat tag, as cults are a delicate subject and there’s a scene featuring a very inebriated reader and a very sexually eager cult leader!anakin. huge, blaring trigger warnings for drug abuse, manipulation, coercion, psychological abuse and many other toxic behaviors cult leaders are known for having. if you're a minor, stay away!

i lowkey think this would also work so well as an obi-wan fic but anakin was also very, very fun to write in this context. feel free to send me prompts involving him or obi anytime you like (i might take a bit long to write but maybe you’ll think it’s worth it!)

word count: 6.599 (shit that’s long!)

When you left the Jedi Temple, you felt like the world as you knew it before turned upside down. To put it in more precise terms, you felt like an unfrozen comic book hero that came back from the realm of the unconscious.

You’ve spent seven years of your life with little contact to the mundane world outside of what Anakin allowed you and the other members of the Temple to see, hear and taste. Your entire existence revolved around him and his needs - after all, Anakin Skywalker was The Chosen One. The Force itself, that mysterious energy field that binds the galaxy and all members of the Jedi Temple together in its arduous mission to bring peace, equality and compassion to an increasingly unfair, unequal and war-torn world, chose him to lead you. So how could you say no to such a noble mission?

And what a mission that was. Seeing yourself in a mirror after all you’ve been through without the rose-colored glasses sponsored by Anakin’s constant and almost mantra-esque praise to you was quite something.

Your body was begging for rest in every possible way - your hair had stopped growing, giant dark circles had formed under your eyes and you didn't even have time to eat properly among so many tasks that were assigned to you on a daily basis, resulting in a drastic change on how you looked. During your time under Anakin’s watch, you were PR, secretary, cook, coordinator, supervisor, presenter, confidant, administrator and one of his many lovers; the amount of titles growing every day while no kind of worldly remuneration appeared as a reward.

Thinking about Anakin still stirred so many difficult and confusing feelings inside you. He supposedly loved you more than anything else in the world, yet still brought so many other women to his bed. You were his and only his, yet your body was often the bargaining chip he offered in some of his treasured, nefarious deals with politicians, bankers and other powerful men like him, which you accepted gracefully to please him. And Lord, how you yearned to please him in any and every way you could. This feeling was the only one you were able to discern clearly out of so many that disappeared in the mental fog of overwork.

He was beautiful, even more dashing when his attention was directed entirely to you. His compliments meant more, his touches were more eager, his smiles wider when you did everything you could for his cause.

There were days you only thought about the good aspects of your past life - and there were days the only memories that pierced your mind were the bad ones. Yet it’s kinda funny how almost a year later after you left he is still the center of all these thoughts.

Even if your current life is stable, calm and fairly easy. Even if your current partner is an angel who does treat you like they indeed love you. Even if you made them a promise you would never, ever look back.

Anakin, as always, makes things way harder than they really need to be.

The weight of loving Anakin and his community became too heavy to bear for you and your partner around the same time, for widely different reasons that coincided with a period of growing closeness between you. The fact that what drew you to your current significant other was precisely how much they reminded you of Anakin made you worry about the future you were building together from the start, yet Anakin was an addiction you always knew you wouldn’t break free from easily.

(Better to wean off in gradually smaller doses than to quit cold turkey.)

Another thing you always knew was that your partner would adapt to this new life much easier than you did, as they weren't as loyal to the cause as you were. They found new friends that also became your friends, yet at dinners and parties you always felt a little more out of place than them. Your jokes didn’t quite land, you were never the funniest or smartest on the table, not even for a minute, despite how hard they always tried to make you feel included. It’s always been like that for you, really, except for the time you were there.

With Anakin. By his side.

The feeling of belonging somewhere, especially when accompanied (or led) by a beautiful, well-spoken and ambitious man is a hell of a drug. A drug strong enough to numb the rage within you brought by the memories of the alienation and paranoia spiral he instilled in you constantly. The memories of the countless sleepless nights you’ve spent dealing with Anakin’s coke-fueled persecution complex. The unspeakable things he had you do to prove you were by his side and not against him and the cause.

A drug strong enough to make you accept a specific invitation.

At the beginning of a certain day, a stranger bumped into you while you walked into the street and left a piece of paper in your coat’s pocket. Classic Temple method of sending a message. However, instead of the usual threats and condemnations for leaving the community, you find something else entirely new.

Anakin wanted to speak to you. Alone.

You’d go just to get some much needed closure for what you went through by his side. Just that. Close this chapter of your life once and for all. After all, what harm could a simple conversation do?

You felt horrified that you still found yourself wondering what he’d think of you now; deep down you were afraid of him giving up on you entirely even though you truly didn’t want to be part of his mess anymore. Yet not having a door open to his path anymore frightened you to your core because even with its hundred million flaws, you still saw the Temple as a place you belonged in.

You feared that feeling in itself. Every decision it made you take. All the euphoria it still, regrettably and shamefully, brings you.

Your partner notices you growing more silent by the day as the calendar approaches the fateful date. Your mind was in a complete state of turmoil. You left the Temple months ago, determined to start a new life for yourself, one free from the darkness that had consumed you before. But despite your best efforts, you couldn't shake the memories of what had transpired between you and Anakin, or the longing you felt for the leader who had shown you for the first time, even if in his own twisted way, what it was like to have an entire community to go back to, one that appreciated you.

You feel a familiar flutter in your stomach, a mix of anticipation and fear that you couldn't ignore every time you think a little too much about Anakin's intense gaze and commanding presence. What would he say when he saw you? Would he be angry at you for leaving, or would he welcome you back with open arms? And more importantly, why would you even want to be welcomed back?

As you sat across from each other at the dinner table night after night, your partner couldn't help but notice the faraway look in your eyes. You seemed to be lost in thought most of the time, and your change in behavior coincided with the growing feeling you shared that you were being spied on by Temple’s members everywhere you went. Your partner, more than anyone else, knew what the Temple meant to you, and that leaving it behind had been a difficult and painful process for you both, but they couldn't help but feel frustrated that they couldn't seem to reach you.

And, dreadfully, that they know the reason why.

August 31st, 1979

As you drove to the address indicated in the now crumpled piece of paper, you couldn't help but feel a sense of nervous, reprehensible excitement building within you. It had been so long since you had felt this kind of intensity, this kind of connection to something greater than yourself. The memories of your time in the cult - your partner made sure to repeat this word to you as often as they could - flooded back to you, and you felt a sense of longing and belonging that you hadn't felt in a very long time.

But beneath the surface of your excitement, there was also a deep sense of fear and trepidation. You knew what Anakin was capable of, how he could push you to your limits and beyond. You remembered all the pain and all the humiliation, the sense of being stripped down to your very core. But even as these memories surfaced, you couldn't help but feel drawn to the system who had once held such power over you. You knew that what you were doing was dangerous, that you were walking a fine line between ecstasy and the destruction of everything you’ve built away from his grasp. But as you approach the place where you’ll meet him, you feel a sense of inevitability wash over you. You were in too deep, and there was no turning back now.

The few Temple members always present by Anakin’s side - you know them too well, after all, most of them also shared the same bed you slept on most nights - all welcome you with a disarming kindness that the outside world and its people just can’t match, even with the many hurtful words that were exchanged when you and your partner left. The outside world could never match such selflessness and forgiveness. This realization breaks your heart so strongly you swear you can feel it physically. Did I do wrong by leaving? Is it too late to have it all back? Why am I questioning myself over my safe, sane, final choice?

Padmé, Sabé, Ahsoka, they’re all wide smiles, lighthearted jokes and they exude a strong feeling of happiness for having you, even if for a short while, around them again. Despite an initial distrust from your part that manifested itself through curt words, you eventually engage in lively chatter with the girls like nothing between you ever changed. You talk about everything and nothing at the same time as you all tried to avoid the elephant in the room: the reason you were there.

Your smile falters when Padmé hands you a white, delicate, flimsy gown that leaves you feeling way more exposed than you’ve ever been since you left. She notices your discomfort and places a hand on your shoulder. “This is all about healing. We’re so happy you’re back.”

This specific dress is only used by women who go through The Rebirth. A private ceremony between the Temple’s leader and a follower that promises to bring the follower closer to the divine.

Despite how close you were to Anakin, you were never invited to a ritual of his yourself, you just heard of them. He always told you you didn’t need it and you knew better than to probe him about it. It’s funny how the opportunity appeared only after you left his circle.

All you knew was that the Temple’s rituals, usually aimed at the unruly, alternated through a range of activities and experiences intended to be intense, transformative, and meaningful; perfectly crafted to reach people Anakin couldn’t solely reach through words or promises. These imperfect followers would afterwards appear completely different after their closer encounters to the Force. Some left the Temple, some stayed. But they were all similarly profoundly changed: some women disappeared, some women started to believe in miracles, some became part of his inner circle.

“I’m… I’m just here to talk t--”

“And that’s all you’ll do, if that’s what you want. But keep in mind it's not every day that you’ll get to be a part of something like this.”

You begrudgingly nod, forcing yourself to smile again. “Okay.”

“You trust me?”

“I do.”

“I’ll tell him you’re here. Could you please change your clothes while I go up there? Remember we need you to be as comfortable as possible, so please don’t wear anything underneath the dress.”

“Okay.”

You close your eyes as you feel your stomach dropping. You take a few deep breaths.

You were just reminded of what you didn’t miss about the Temple.

Ahsoka and Sabé promptly offer to help you in changing clothes, which you accept. A few minutes later, Padmé returns with a kind expression on her face, extending a hand towards you. “Master Skywalker is waiting for you.”

You take her hand and follow her through the series of steps. You felt your heart racing as you were led deeper into the building. You knew that you’d been tricked, but now it was too late to turn back. You could feel the intensity of the ritual building around you, and you knew that you were in for something far more riskier than you had bargained for.

You finally arrive at the door and, surprisingly, Padmé gives you a warm hug before leaving. Some minutes pass, no sign of anything or anyone. Were you supposed to knock or something…?

Before you could answer that question to yourself, Anakin opens the door and the oxygen is ripped out of your lungs in a way you couldn’t anticipate. You’re like a fish out of water; you can hardly believe your eyes. There he is, the one person you thought you'd never see again, standing before you.

Anakin's bathed by the muted light of candles in a sight that could be painted by the Force itself. He’s shirtless, wearing only sweatpants, his golden skin and defined physique bared for you to see. He moves some rebellious strands away from his eyes to see you more clearly.

Your heart pounds in your chest as you struggle to catch your breath at the sight of him. The room is too hot, seeing him again is too overwhelming. You want to leave, to get as far away from this place as possible. But before you can make your way back, Anakin holds your arm, his voice calm and reassuring. “Are you okay?” he asks softly.

You shake your head, unable to form words.

"Come in," he says, taking you inside gently. “No need to be scared.”

As he envelops you in his arms and closes the door, you are immediately struck by the religious imagery that surrounds you. There are symbols and icons everywhere, each one imbued with its own powerful meaning. The space feels simultaneously cozy and imposing, the perfect balance between comfort and awe.

Your eyes drift across the room, taking in the details. There are candles burning in every corner, casting flickering shadows on the walls. The air is thick with incense, a heady mix of spice and smoke. In the center of the room, there is an altar, adorned with offerings and gifts.

He leads you to a quiet corner of the room. There, he holds you close, murmuring words of comfort and reassurance.

"I can’t believe you came, little bird," he says. "I’ve missed you.”

You can feel the strength of his arms around you, the familiar scent of his skin. As he pulls away and looks into your eyes, you can see a mixture of emotions playing across his face. You're not sure what he's thinking, but you sure can sense the power he still holds over you, especially when he calls you by that pet name. Despite your best intentions, you know that being in his presence again will be a test of your willpower and resolve. It’s already being one, to be honest.

As you struggle to calm down from your panic attack, Anakin continues to hold you close and stroke your hair. You feel his gentle touch and the steady rhythm of his breath, and it begins to soothe you. You hate the fact that it’s soothing you.

He speaks to you softly, using words you can barely hear as you focus on slowing your breathing. "You're safe here," he says, "You're with me again, and everything will be okay."

You look up at him, trying to speak, but your voice is still caught in your throat. He nods, understanding, and simply holds you a little tighter.

As he continues to speak in soothing tones, you try to remind yourself that his words are simply a means to an end, a way to control you once again. Your mind races as you struggle to push away the memories of what he's done to you in the past. But despite your attempts to resist, you can't deny the feeling of safety that washes over you in his embrace.

You know that you shouldn't give in to his words, that you should fight back and leave this place. But deep down, a part of you yearns for the familiar comfort of the Temple, of him. The part of you that craves his attention, his approval, his touch. Who can’t get enough of it.

In that moment, you realize that you're falling prey to him all over again, despite everything you've been through. You feel a deep sense of shame and disgust at yourself, but it's drowned out by the overwhelming desire to be near him once more. Even if for a while.

That makes it even harder for you to speak. Your voice seems to have been swallowed up by the overwhelming emotions churning inside of you. You used to be so confident and outspoken while you were under his wing, but now you feel like a mere shadow of yourself, unsure of what to say or how to act. You hate how vulnerable you feel in his presence, how powerless you are against the pull he has over you. So you just stare, unable to do much else.

Anakin briefly lets go of you to gently touch your hand. He looks at you intently, his piercing gaze locked onto yours. "I understand how overwhelming this is for you, but I promise you you're safe with me. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to.”

“Why did you want to speak to me?” You protest, your voice cracking as you force the words out of you, almost as a way of rebelling against his guidance. You pull away and distance yourself from him.

Skywalker looks at you with a solemn expression, searching your face. "I called you here because I want to offer you a chance at redemption," he says, his voice steady and calm. "I know you've been struggling with feelings of inadequacy since you left us. I just want to help you find your way back to the right path."

He pauses for a moment, letting his words sink in. “You were always one of my most faithful Knights," he continues. "I know you still have that spark inside of you. The spark that made you believe in me, that made you want to devote yourself to this. I want to help you rekindle that spark.”

You feel a wave of conflicting emotions wash over you as you listen to his words. Part of you wants to believe him, to trust that he has your best interests at heart. But another part of you is wary, remembering that the only reason he knows that, literally, is because he’s been ordering people to follow you.

“I don't know if I can trust you,” you manage to say, your voice shaking slightly.

Anakin’s expression softens, and he takes a step closer to you. "I understand why you might feel that way," he says. "But I want to assure you that I have no intention of hurting you. I want to help you heal, to help you find peace and purpose in your life. All you have to do is trust me. I promise that I'll be there for you every step of the way."

“Even if I don’t stay?”

You notice a flash of desperation in his eyes, which he tries to conceal. “We have something for you much more powerful than what your current life is offering you. And I think you know that, too.”

“I left for a reason.”

“And I can give you many others to come back. Your new life is just an illusion, a temporary fix to a problem that will only grow worse.” As he speaks to you, you feel his words sinking into your mind. He’s a specialist at tearing down the walls you’ve built to protect yourself from his influence, brick by fucking brick.

“I love my partner. That’s… that’s not an illusion.” You answer, not really believing your own words.

“A partner you’ve found here. A partner you’ve chosen to live a life with where you constantly look for things to try to fill the emptiness of not being here.”

You feel a maelstrom of emotions swirling within you, making it difficult to discern which way is up. The memories of the past, the good and the bad, flood your mind, clouding your judgment. You want to believe that you can be free from Anakin and live a normal life, but something inside you is drawn to his words. Something that also reminds you that there’s no such thing as a normal life after this one, after meeting him, after letting him in control for so long.

The thought of giving him another chance both terrifies and excites you, and you feel yet another wave of guilt crashing unto you for even entertaining it. He can tell he put you in a tug-of-war between what you know is right and what you truly want. “I only want what’s best for you. Deep down you know that being here is where you truly belong.”

"I don't know anymore. It's just... it's really not that simple--" You hesitate, noticing how his gaze is morphing into something much less fraternal the moment he notices there’s ground for his persuasiveness to tread on. You step back and start walking in the opposite direction, not noticing how easy you’re making it for him to corner you. He slowly, predatorily follows your steps.

“What's not simple about it? I know we bring you more fulfillment than anything or anyone else in this world.”

“I’m confused, Master!” You yelp, your heart beating fast once again at the looming threat of history repeating itself and at the shock of you instinctively calling him by his title again. You knock over an offering and you cover your mouth while trying not to hyperventilate once more.

“Then let me help you. Come back home and we can work through this together.” Successfully having you where he needed you to be, he moves your hand away from your mouth, almost whispering as he lowers his head to speak closer to your ears. “You just need the right guidance, the right push. And I am here to give that to you.”

“They are so devoted to you. I don't know if I can be like them. What if I change my mind again?”

"Don't worry about them. You're not like anyone else. You're special.” You find yourself getting lost in his words, feeling a sense of comfort that you haven't experienced in such a long time. You know that you shouldn't trust him, that he's just trying to fuck with you, but you can't help the way you're feeling. “I can mold you into the perfect follower, the perfect partner, the perfect lover. You'll be amazed at what we can accomplish together. It’s not like you don’t already know, right?"

In that moment, you're no longer the strong-willed person who left the Temple behind. Instead, you're a vulnerable follower once again, willing to do anything to please your leader.

“I mean it when I say I’ve missed you. You don’t know what you do to me,” he confesses in a raspy, needy tone while his fingers gently move the straps of your dress away from your shoulders, making you shiver. His need for you also tore down some of his own walls. “Couldn’t fucking breathe knowing you were living with someone else.”

“Anakin–” you squeak, breathless as the silky fabric slides easily above your skin and pools at your feet, leaving you bare in front of him like a freshly prepared meal. Vulnerable doesn’t even start to define how afraid, uncertain and exposed you feel right now. Anakin seems to notice things are going at a pace that’s not compatible with how frail your trust in him is, so he does his best to keep his composure and go back on track.

“Lie down for me at the altar, little bird.” He orders, his tone very artificially patient.

Trembling, you do as you're told. The marble is cold against your skin and you flinch at the touch, the heat of the candles balancing your temperature when you finish positioning yourself.

“You were lost, but now you're found. You were blind, but now you see.” He intimately preaches for your ears only, punctuating his command with the softest of caresses on your cheek. Your voice weakly paired with his at the last few words, as you remembered them with a painful familiarity and ease. “You thought you could leave me behind, but you belong to me. You belong to this community and now we will reforge that bond. Would you like that?”

You close your eyes, the certainty of your fate now making place to a strange serenity. “Yes.”

“Good.” He replies, pouring oil in his hands and spreading it between his palms and fingers. “Now relax. You will be enlightened and empowered like never before.” His hands firmly massage your skin in unhurried movements making your stomach flood with butterflies, his touch as inebriating as the whirlwind of thoughts running inside your head. “I sense so much fear flowing through you.”

You moan in response to the smooth sliding of his hands over your tense body. As Anakin applies pressure to your muscles, making them feel looser and more relaxed by the minute, you shiver at the realization of how much you missed being this close to him in such an intimate way. “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate…”

“Hate… leads to suffering.” You complete, swallowing hard afterwards as if to clean how dirty you felt by falling into this as easily as you did.

“Exactly. Let yourself be at ease. You carry a heavy burden, love, and it's my job to help you lighten that load.” You can feel the purpose of his touch gradually morph into something much more unvirtuous as he palms your abdomen and moves upwards, now fondling both of your breasts exploratorily, basking on how velvety your skin feels after all this time you’ve spent apart.

A flicker of apprehension rushes through your veins as you sluggishly try to move his hands away from you, but instead your limbs just rest atop of his, your relaxed body unable to follow through with any movement that demands more than a few active brain cells. A wave of anger at yourself and at him rolls weakly through your mind, promptly subdued by how blurred the lines between pleasure and shame start to feel on your mind and frame. His soft touch starts driving you a little crazy; after what seems like forever, he finally tweaks your nipples, eliciting a soft whimper out of you.

“Let me take care of you,” he quietly pleads, hopefully having noticed to some degree that you still were trying to resist him in some way. While Anakin continues to knead the soft flesh, his thumb flicking across your nipple until it’s painfully erect, the other slowly goes down your abdomen until it reaches the most sensitive part of you. You sigh, utterly, impossibly resigned to the situation that’s unfolding. Also to let go, at least partially, of the anxiety that’s creepingly festering in your guts. “You deserve to be loved. To be here with me. You deserve everything that’s about to return in your life.”

Your eyes water at his words. It’s not that your partner doesn’t love you or make you feel like you don't deserve love, but it's overwhelming to hear this from Anakin after you loved him like you did (and maddeningly, regretfully, still do). Your partner gave you love, but not much else - and if there's something you learned from your time away from the Temple is that just romantic love isn’t enough when your new life didn't give you other people to rely on, didn’t scratch that persistent fucking itch that never really went away after you left the Temple.

You woke up every day feeling like you were missing something, like there was a hole in your chest that couldn’t be filled. You tried to distract yourself by immersing yourself in a new job, new hobbies, new social life. You went out with people, attended events, participated in activities of leisure, but the ache never really went away. You talked to people, but it all felt surface-level, small talk that went nowhere and meant nothing.

You started to feel like you were going crazy. Why couldn’t you just be satisfied? You have a partner who loves you, a job you enjoy, decent, lively people surrounding you both. You loathed yourself for the fact that the answer always led to the same place and person you prided yourself in leaving. You started to withdraw into yourself, keeping your feelings to yourself, afraid of burdening others with your problems. You didn’t want to seem ungrateful or needy, so you bottled everything up. But it only made things worse.

It made things bad enough that you searched for the only solution that could soothe it all easily. That always had all the answers all the time, regardless of the personal cost they had to you.

Anakin’s grayish eyes stare profoundly into yours for long seconds before he kisses you intensely. You eagerly retribute, his fingers still spreading the growing wetness between your legs in unhurried yet precise circular motions that make you moan unreservedly into his mouth. You can feel the slightest taste of whiskey and that bitter pill he always took on his tongue as a small reminder of everything you’re agreeing on letting take over the control of your life again, yet there's no way in hell you’re letting it go now. As a sign of such commitment, you cling to one of the arms that are stimulating you as if it’s a lifeline, an act that makes him smirk into the kiss and let out an appreciative groan. He’s still careful, though, trying hard not to lean entirely on the familiarity of how your body yearns for him, as this is above all your return back home. He needs to act accordingly.

His movements start to probe your cunt a bit further and after a little while of teasing, he inserts two fingers inside of you, his lips letting go of yours briefly just so he can hear how precious you sound while getting filled by his digits. You comply with his wish, letting your satisfaction echo inside the dimly lit room along with the filthy sound of how ready you are for him. “I’ve missed this so much.” He groans, letting out a shaky breath he shares with you as he feels the heat spreading under your skin, manifesting itself through glittery beads of sweat that start glistening over your figure.

“Me too, Master,” you whimper, a tempestuous river surging through your veins as you angle your hips repeatedly to meet his thrusts. He seems to understand your desperation, and it’s his turn to comply with your request. His thumb moves towards your pulsing clit and starts circling it in sync with the movement of his other fingers, setting your nerves on fire.

Perhaps in order to get even more of you in the matter of sound, he goes back to putting his mouth to good use. You let out a shrill cry of pleasure as his mouth meets the breast he was previously fondling, while he expertly curls his fingers up to rub your G-spot after relentlessly scissoring them inside you. His teeth rake across your nipple and you jolt, arching your back in a desperate attempt to get closer.

He has a look of hunger in his eyes as he stares you down, delighted at the effect he's having on you. "You're doing so well for me, little bird, so fucking wet," The noise that rips from your throat as an answer is halfway between a guttural moan and a desperate whine as your walls spasm and contract around his fingers. "Come for me." He commands in a hiss, resting his glistening forehead against the side of your head as your muscles convulse in staccato.

You can practically feel stars exploding all over your body in wonderful pinpricks of pleasure as he coaxes from you the most intense orgasm you've ever had. You let out incoherent moans and whimpers while he continues fingering you through your high; you're floating in a bubble of submission and he knows he has to help you land gently on the ground. "I'm so proud of you, baby." He praises softly into your ear before ceasing his ministrations and taking the fingers coated in your release to his own tongue, to your hazy astonishment.

“Thank you for that.” You breath, a confession of how much you needed to feel once more what he was capable of doing. He nods affectionately in return before distancing himself from you to wander nearby, and at the corner of your eye you see him pouring a red liquid on a small glass cup. You sigh in a bit of a fucked up pride at seeing how tented his sweatpants are. After he’s done, he comes back and hands it to you.

“Drink.”

You don’t question. You throw your sense of self-preservation out of the window perhaps as some kind of punishment to yourself over coming to him and still trusting him like that regardless of everything you went through. After lifting your torso just enough to be able to drink something without choking, you down the cup’s content in one swift gulp, a pleasant, sweet flavor filling your mouth. Your master strokes your hair fondly with a warm smile on his face, and kisses your forehead before you lie down again. “Now, for the main part of the rebirth, you might feel a slight tingling spread across your body as this potion does its magic. But don’t worry. This is the official beginning of a new life for you.” He instructs, now positioning himself between your legs, which he has no problem at all to part.

Along with the tingling, you begin to feel a sensation of euphoria spreading through your body. Your mind is flooded with intense feelings of pleasure and happiness, and you feel as though you are floating on air.

Everything around you seems brighter and more vibrant than before. You notice the colors of the flowers attached to one of the offerings near you, and the smell of aromatic plants seems more potent - it’s as if a veil has lifted, and you've been given new sight.

As you look at Anakin, who now stands above you revealing what’s hidden below the thick fabric of his pants and positioning his throbbing cock inside your dripping pussy, you find yourself even more drawn to him in a way that you didn’t think was possible. You maniacally reevaluate the entire perception of him in your mind - have you ever truly given him the chance he deserved? You were now sure the things your partner said about him were the unfounded, harmful brainwash. Anakin was the Chosen One! He could do no wrong ever. How could he do wrong if you’re feeling so invincible, so blessed, so in love?

So absurdly, out of your mind wet?

Anakin notices your eagerness, chuckling at how twitchy and desperate you’ve become for him. He mumbles something about how beautiful of a fucktoy you are for him now, how you always have been, and all you can think about is you love the way his mouth moved when he talked. The forward way he set his jaw, making his teeth meet with such delicacy, enunciating every word. You want him to own you, you think before he kisses your sodden mouth and idly strokes himself.

Anakin obliges after a short while, entering you in one swift motion. He lets out a long groan. “Holy shit,” he breathes. You shut your eyes and wrap your arms around his shoulders, fingers digging into his skin when he begins to move, slowly pulling out and in at first. Every sound, every texture, every sensation is amplified to an almost overwhelming degree. You feel surges of energy coursing through your veins every time he reaches spots within you you didn’t even know existed.

His breathing is ragged and his eyes are half closed when you tilt your face up and kiss him sloppily, giving the green light for him to go faster. Your need is urgent, there is no possibility for precision. You wanted to spread the exquisite poison that he had given you. “I love you,” you yelp, “I'm madly in love with you.”

“My little bird,” he heaves, heavy breath syncing up with yours as he moves deliciously inside of you at a growingly unforgiving pace. Anakin lowers his head so his lips can hover over your ear and beckon you with an unholy invitation. “If you really mean it, come back home. Tonight.”

“Fuck. I don’t know if I can--” you whine, your hands palming his chest aimlessly as he fucks you to the moon and back, the loud sound of skin against skin driving you both insane. He’s bestowing upon you a blessing no one ever could, each thrust unceremoniously ripping yelp to pathetic yelp from your throat along with every remaining logical thought inside your head. “Fuck!”

“Of course you fucking know. You’ll always be welcome back home.” he murmurs against your neck in between kisses and bruising nips. ”Come back to me and you can have this everyday. Nothing needs to be the same.” A strong jolt of pleasure rocks you as his hand creeps down your inner thigh to masturbate you while you move against him for more sensation. A long, low moan vibrates in your chest. He shushes you with another deep kiss as your hips buck from the maddening pressure.

Very amused at how drenched you were, how you mewled at his every touch, he manipulates you with teasing circles until it was too much. You dissolve into pleasure so intensely you can barely register the exact moment you soak him as well in your juices, milking him for all that is worth in the way. He doesn’t take long to follow, his hips stuttering as he empties himself inside you in thick spurts that make you feel impressively full. You keep clenching around him, not willing to let him go, a wide smile on his face at his achievement and at the work of art he crafted so masterfully. He’s genuinely fucking brilliant at this.

“Nothing needs to be the same.” You repeat in a drunken stupor, moving hair strands from your sweaty face as you smile back to him, framed perfectly like yet another offering in his marble altar.

Perhaps his most prized one.

#a rants #hanasnx #im 1000% driven by praise so yeah this made me emotional #this is the first time someone analyzed a work of mine so profoundly and i love sharing my creative process w ppl 😭😭😭

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babymilkawa · 4 years ago

Note

HI ITS ME CAN YOU PRETTY PLEASE WRITE SOME HCS FOR SUGAWARA IF HIS GF IS SICK. ALSO I DUNNO HOW MANY OTHER CHARACTERS YOU DO FOR EACH HC POST CAUSS I FORGOT TO CHECK, but if you need like three i’d really love hinata and daichi as well :D REMINDER OF SUGAWARA SUPREMACYYYYYY

HERE ARE SOME THINGS I MADE AS A BRIBE

ILL TAKE IT// but yea I didn’t rly put a limit cos ppl are decent enuf to not request like 10 at a time right?? 😅 here ya go swaglorddd

sick s/o headcanons with:

sugawara koushi, hinata shoyo, sawamura daichi, kenma kozume

gn!reader :)

sugawara koushi

if you show up to his practice wrapped in layers of clothing and a red nose, he’ll excuse himself immediately and force you to sit down on the bench while he goes to coach ukai’s store to get some meds for you

when he comes back, both his hands are carrying two plastic bags

one of them has your stuff, warm food that isn’t greasy and cough drops too

the others are cold drinks for his teammates aww karasuno’s mom

you are forBiddEn to have the drinks too except for the warm water he put in your water bottle

rly wished you’d go home first instead of waiting for his practice to end but it doesn’t seem like you want to

he’ll look to the benches every few minutes to see your sleeping form

during break, he’ll gently move your head onto his lap so you don’t have to lay on the hard bench

as soon as they’re dismissed he’s giving you his jacket cos “it gets cold in the night time” and warms up ur hands

if you try to keep ur distance so he doesn’t get sick too, he’ll joke that you prolly already got the whole team sick

making you pout and him pinching ur cheeks 😖

once you reach your place, he’ll linger outside of your door,,,unwilling to let go of your hands SOB

“I’ll come back tomorrow morning ok? I’ll also bring porridge but you still need to eat something else and don’t forget to drink hot wat-”

“yes, yes I know koushi...now go home so you don’t catch a cold too”

but even when you’re standing by your window, you’ll see him looking around your house, tryna figure out which window belongs to your bedroom

and as promised, he comes back the next day with hot porridge and makes sure that your water bottle is full with warm water

and that your backpack has extra cough drops

he’ll still hold your hand and kiss ur forehead

maybe part of him wants to get sick so u can take care of him djhfjdhf

hinata shoyo

he’ll pout a little once he finds out your sick but he’ll still stay by your side!

he’s still overflowing with energy but doesn’t wanna tire you out too much

you’ll hear him stop by your house in the mornings with a volleyball in his hands and maybe kageyama behind him, eating

he’ll bring random snacks from coach ukai’s store and place them at ur door

you’ll sit by ur window and he’ll sit outside of it, telling you about his day, what he did, how practice was

“y/n no one clapped for me T-T”

cos ur usually clapping for him after every successful hit

“kageyama was just yelling at me saying how my spike wasn’t even that great but I know you would’ve said it was good :((“

“aww shoyo, I’m sure it was! Don’t listen to him, ur trying ur best:))”

pet his hair

yes ur the one who’s sick but he misses u

will stop by ur house everyday

I mean he already does that

u usually help him with hw but he doesn’t think he shud ask u when u sleep

all his energy will just go p o o f when he sees u sleeping

he’ll prolly hear windchimes or smthing hahahah

but he’ll be able to sit quietly until you wake up

kageyama’s like HaaH???

SHH

but hinata’s tryna figure out his hw without u helping ok

once ur better, he’ll give you the bIGGGEST hug and sway you side to side AWW I MISS THOSE HUGS

and catch you up on evthing that’s happened

meaning everything that’s happened in the last 5 mins cos he already tells u everything 🙄

sawamura daichi

he’ll make sure you have everything for school

brings you your hw, explains to you the concepts

will call u during lunch or smthing cos it’s boring w/o you

dating him means ur automatically good friends with asahi and sugawara so they’ll check up on you too

and sugawara will tell you how daichi won’t stop talking abt how he can’t wait till u get better dhhdjfjdjs

sometimes you’ll catch him having tea with your mom on your front porch and she’s tryna embarrass you hahhsjdf

Ok but that scenario is just,,, so,,, hubby material yk

like he prolly came by to drop some food and ur moms making him stay and gushing abt how handsome he is

“so you’re the one making my y/n all happy”

rare occasions that daichi blushes #1

he’ll softly knock on ur door and u quickly pretend to be asleep

places sthing on ur desk then just leaves the s o f t e s t kiss on ur forehead and whispers sweet dreams GAHSJFOEJ

when he’s gone you look at what’s on ur desk and it’s a flower crown from ur first date 🥺

keep him ok

will prolly do sthing like throw paper airplanes at ur window

and then when he sees you open ur window he’ll hide behind a tree and watch as u go outside to pick them up

inside he’s written little notes like “get better!” Or “i miss you!�� or “WHAT ARE U DOING AWAKE GO BACK TO SLEEP”

like sir u woke me up with all that tapping 🙄🤚🏻

once ur better, you walk into the vb gym first and u can hear him yelling at Tanaka and noya then when he sees u walk in he’s all “oh, y/n” 😌

PLS TANAKa and Noya WORSHIP U NOW SJDJSKKS

in the first couple of days you’re back he’ll still keep an eye on you and have his arm around your shoulder

occasionally putting his hand on your forehead and sneaking a kith 😚

kenma kozume

u didn’t tell him at first that u were sick but he still found out 🙄

“ur sick, aren’t you”

“huh?? No I’m not :((“

will look at u like this -_-

and yk if u stay home from school, he’ll find excuses to hang out in ur room

kuroo will be calling like “is freaking kenma there?!”

yea he’s spooning u

since ur sick, hE’ll be the one to pet ur hair

if it helps u fall asleep

won’t play games in ur room like he usually does cos he doesn’t want the sound and light to distract u

he’ll most likely bring u take out bc he can’t cook and will prolly burn down ur kitchen cos he got distrayced by the tv or smthing ahHa

will check ur temp like every 5 min I swear

“no- ko i rly don’t think my temp is gonna change every 5 min”

“but just in case-“

-_-

he’s smart ok so he’ll tutor you with late hw if u need it

will sit next to you and wiggle his toes by ur feet :3

once ur better, y’all go back to ur usual gaming and eat the hell out of junk food 🤪

a/n: rly hope u liked it 🥺💕 daichi’s was my fav hehe and TY @ilauvcoldpizza FOR HELPING ME W KENMA <3

haikyu!! masterlist

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dastardlydandelion · 3 years ago

Note

Fanfic Writer asks 10 and 15?

anonymoose friend! i answered these under the cut bc i ended up rambling a whole lot. i'm sorry. i start typing and i get distracted on my way to the point, and then the context needs context, so i often wind up a lil long-winded. 😅

10) top 5 fics by kudos or reads?

top five by kudos:

1) flos primula: ahh, yes. my entry into st. the fic i had no idea so many ppl were going to enjoy. the fic that scared me when i realized how many ppl had looked at it, how many eyes had seen it. but i am so happy they did! @foxgirlontherun told me the series it became (hadn't planned to write beyond one fic) was one of their favorites. that was one of the most genuinely moving comments i've ever gotten on a fic. if ur reading this, pal, tysm!! i'm so glad u enjoyed it, and whenever i feel like i want to scrap the elusive fifth part that drivers me bonkers in my wip folder, i remember ur comment and refrain from opening the scrap folder. <3

2) supplicium: the gift fic i did for @keziahrain. my version of a fandom trope. took inspo from irl incident where mom-sister duo eliminated a threat. i always feel obliged to link that or anything else i take direct inspo from, lest i be accused of plagiarism...tho...is it plagiarism if it's not fiction?? also, does that look bad, does that look like i'm piggybacking off of real people's real trauma for my creative purposes?? jfc, i hope not. that's never my intent. but maybe i shouldn't...fuck, fuck, now i'm derailing from the ask and i'm not even talking abt the fic anymore. i'm sorry!! it just occurred to me as i was typing that it might look like it comes from a place of ill-intent when i draw from *real* events and upon that realization, i'm going to reflect more abt how i incorporate news going forward. err, back to the fic for a min, okay! yes! it is my second most popular fic by kudos and that's cool that a bunch of ppl enjoyed it, super flattering, but the most important thing is that my bud was happy. <3

3) periculum in mora: this is my third most popular fic by kudos, i just realized when i got this ask. wow! oh boy, this gives me mixed feelings. it was a double gift fic for @keziahrain and @lucdarling and they both left positive feedback, and i am happy they enjoyed, but in hindsight...i might've rushed it a bit? dialogue has never been my strong suit, but some of the dialogue in this is extra...bad. and some of my humor is a tad too misplaced this time, i think. the stabbing is also too similar to the previous fanfic. idk abt the pacing, either...

mm. yeah, it's. i'm not going to call it a bad fanfic bc there are things i appreciate abt it, and i think to call it "bad" would be rude to the readers who enjoyed it, and especially my buds whom it was gifted to. BUT knowing that it's my third most kudos-ed fic?!? rly changes my perspective of it and makes its flaws stand out that much more. 😬

i wish i could go back and rewrite this one. spend more time on it. talk to a rubber ducky. i should've polished it up better. balanced the various elements better. reworked the stabbing scene (this was partly too much directed by the scrapped lamina's skeleton).

my one comfort abt its flaws, however, is that another user (someone called LaceDegenerate, so!! ck reference, yes, i'm with u, friend, i'm also in karate soap hell) expressed interest in a sequel. and i said i would deliver. so hopefully in the sequel i can avoid the mistakes i made in this one, and i can write it strong/solid enough to make up for the previous missteps.

4) valeo: so, this was a prompt. it's. it's...it sure is a fanfic. i'd had a crossover in mind for a sequel but tbvh the wip isn't going great. and then i told LilChicken i would do a third part with a sibling reunion, but. on reread, i just...irdk why this fic is my fourth most kudos-ed fic. i reread it and wtf is this dialogue?? i also think it might be a bit too much on the soft/squishy side?? is it saccharine??? i don't want to be negative, but i'm personally just. NOT satisfied with my work in this one. well, there is one positive, i enjoyed writing max & susan moving out, moving on. it's not my personal pick of my fics at all, but i'm glad that there are others who found joy in it.

5) flos fulmināre: ooh, this one! the fourth part of primis tenebris flos. cool, one that i like too. 😊

yes, okay, now i can stop sounding like a drabby crabby bc i have positive thoughts on this one and i understand how it's my fifth most kudos-ed fic. susan & billy & a lil max too! soft family bonding as billy quietly (crankily) battles sepsis. micro-dose of neil being neil. references to the meat spider that completely fly over susan's head. a touch of humor that isn't too misplaced, i don't think?? idk. i like this one. it feels warm to me without being like, saccharine. this is theoretically the one the series ends on and it would've worked just fine, but i have a monster wip of a fifth part, but anyway. yay! i'm happy this fic found its audience.

15) words, phrases, mannerisms or scenes i tend to use a lot? oh. yeah. *deep sigh*

this is one of my biggest flaws as a writer. i'm formulaic to start, i think in part bc i've drawn so much influence from slashers, but it isn't even just writing, uh, murder a lot, it's more, it's. mm. rly found myself in a repetitive rut and i think a few different factors contribute to this.

first, it's my tenancy to retreat into my comfort zone. i know i can write gore, so if i'm stuck on smth hard, or i'm having trouble with certain parts of a longer story, instead of doing my best to tackle the challenges, i retreat to the comfort zone to do what i'm familiar with: the gore. i know i can't mess up gore the way i could mess up two 14 yr olds on the run in the 80s. bc i have extensive experience writing gore. i do not have extensive experience writing 14 yr olds on the run in the 80s. so the next thing u know, i have 10 different gore fics that only differentiate so much from each other (like slasher movies), and the longer and/or more distinct, more challenging stories gather dust. bc i took the easy way out and spent time on smth i know how to write, taking time away from doing the hard work and honing my focus on smth i need to learn how to write.

secondly-- and this is a bit of a new flaw for me --desire to crowd please. i've noticed myself default to familiar settings and rely on injury related plot/device, and well. i think it's bc that's what got me in the door in my current fandom (that rly isn't mine), and smth that i've received as prompts, so. yk, it's like, i feel that's what what little audience i've garnered wants/enjoys from me. it worked, it was the basis of my presence here, so it's like i'm constantly trying to recreate what worked...but now it's more like a pattern i struggle to break out of, smth i leaned too far into upon a perception of what readers want from me. i've fallen into yet another kind of redundancy in the process, prioritizing guaranteed hits over developing literary flexibility. this isn't to say i'm against giving the ppl what they want-- it's just, i shouldn't do that to the point of risking redundancy and stagnancy.

thirdly, i noticed there is one running theme in all my stabbing scenes, and. i. have more or less written the same stabbing scene in THREE DIFFERENT FICS. and this is an especially glaring redundancy that drives me fucking bananas bc like. at least in the previous two noted redundancies of mine (while certainly obstacles i need to overcome to improve in any kind of meaningful way) the similarities are on the general side. the gore in famelicus is not the same gore in vanidicus; the first is pure gore porn thruout, the second presents itself in a simultaneous act of survival and betrayal. flos primula and decretum are both conversations in hospital rooms, but they serve different purposes; the former is abt susan attempting to foster some kind of closeness with her stepson, the latter prompted by max fearing the loss of closeness with her brother.

but. i have used the same stabbing scenario (with very little differentiation) in supplicium, si vis amari, ama, and periculum in mora!! HOW DID I DO THIS??

why didn't i notice how similar they were?? i feel like kicking myself in the ass.

this is prolly not a mistake i would've made if my old lil writing group wasn't on the rocks, but that's neither here nor there. i mean, i even cut susan's palm up all three times and like. that's not out of the norm in stabbings, but! for fuck's sake, i could've made it her finger one time instead!! or had the blade break off during one of the stabbings for more differentiation, bc that's another thing that isn't out of the norm to occur (esp if we're using kitchen knives). those scenes are just too similar. it's embarrassing. it's almost recycling the same story with only slight differences, as if i sought to plagiarize myself. 😳

whew. okay, this is supposed to be like, a fun fanfic ask game, so i don't want to get too negative. also, negative self-talk isn't rly productive?? but like, neither is pretending nothing's wrong??? ugh. it's such a double-bind. too much negativity brings u down and impedes production bc u feel crappy, but pretending nothing's wrong isn't helpful either, bc then that's just denial!!

i'm just. frustrated with my writing lately. especially with my redundancies. it feels like i'm in a rut. i compare some of my wip and more recent stories to some of my older ones and they just look hollow, like i'm intentionally parodying myself and reducing the quality of everything from the characters to the atmosphere in the process. 😞

#anonymoose #ask game #i'm sorry i went rambling

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