#this really is a mess on so many levels

[lesbiansanemi]

One thing about my cats that kinda makes laugh but also roll my eyes is when people accuse me of having a “favorite.” They’re like “you give Dimaria birthday parties and take her on walks and have way more pictures of her, you clearly like her more than Carmilla” and it’s like. If you spent longer than ten minutes with my cats you would realize that Dimaria is a fucking attention whore. I stop paying attention to her for more than a minute and she starts screaming. The second I sit down she is bullying her way into my lap. As soon as she hears me wake up in the morning she is shoving her paws underneath my door. Carmilla, on the other hand, is like the #1 people hater and biggest bundle of cat anxiety I have ever seen in my life. She hates being picked up, I am granted the honor of petting her like once a month and it’s for like five seconds. I have exactly one friend who is over often enough for her to not hide inside the couch the whole time she’s here. I tried taking her on a walk once and she wailed and cried the whole time and repeatedly flopped onto the ground. I have the most stereotypical pair of cats ever with the fat happy stupid orange one who loves everyone and everything and then the angry spindly black one who looks like a Halloween decoration that came to life. I don’t have a favorite. I just respect that Carmilla would rather die than interact with a human being if she doesn’t have to

[vaguely-concerned]

I've been giving some thought to why the device of colt's inner dialogue literally being written out across the environment works so well for me, and indeed why the mechanic of the heart in dishonored gives me the same satisfaction and seems to lend so much life and depth to the setting and characters when consulted. and I just had a flash of insight that duh. it's because it's written and structured like poetry haha. both these narrative devices have elements of poetry to them. shorter and more deliberate, more evocative, densely packed with meaning pieces of language, to contrast with the dialogue writing and all the various voices of the in-universe documents you find. turn the heart on a person in dishonored and you learn some vivid poignant details about them that shape your understanding of and feelings towards them. look at colt's train of thought scrawled all over the island, and you learn stuff both about the island and most importantly about him and his emotional landscape. and the effects of that are manifold.

for one it's able to deliver such subtlety of characterization when compared to the spoken lines. when we get to hear colt speak out loud, his register is mostly colloquial and straightforward, a little awkward/bumbling sometimes, even, when he's in situations he's not comfortable with (he's not a man for speeches <3). he's eloquent and incredibly funny in an off-handed blunt sort of way, with some growing palpable eccentricity thrown in as the loops go on (affectionate). however his internal dialogue (which as I understand really is kind of a dialogue and not a monologue except well. in the inevitable sense, because in the game files there are several distinct 'voices' from different loop versions of colt in there with their own affects) lends us insight into a different expressive side to him: his inner voice is sharp and consise, guarded, sardonic, sometimes verges on manic, shows off depths of insight and aptness of analysis of the people around him that belie his 'but just shooting a bunch of people is so FUN tho :'(' surface funnyman vibe. it's frequently more overtly threatening bordering on ominous than his light-hearted game of escalating death threats with julianna (awww bonding time <3<3<3). most of all it goes to some much darker emotional places than the stuff he seems willing to speak out loud. (there's one on fristad rock on the way to fia's bunker that seems to be about being stuck in substance abuse that has me like '...oh colt' every time.) it has the same lack of formality as his speaking voice -- all lower case, little punctuation, mostly very snappy and to the point language/vocabulary. some of it is observations like someone idly talking to themselves or quips there's no one else to respond to, some is pragmatic tactical consideration, some is pep talk, another genre (the most violent ones, often) read kind of like intrusive thoughts. you'd barely know what he really thinks of these people if not for this device.

ALSO it tells us without having to tell us that colt's amnesia isn't quite as complete as it first seems; he does have these fleeting impressions, emotional impulses and half-rememberances that linger on in the back of his mind, even if he doesn't know his own damn name right now haha. muscle memory of the soul to match the muscle memory of the trigger finger, if you will. also also. the diegetic feeling between the player and him in returning to some text you've seen before with new context and suddenly having that '...ah. so that's what that's about'. we both clearly see what you're thinking but we don't know why or what it means and you wont tell us (you won't tell yourself). sooooo crunchy. many thinky thoughts in my head. time making a stranger of yourself but that stranger keeps hanging out in your living room providing running commentary. damn.

and in some ways I think the twist on the heart concept from dishonored in having the poetry (AND genuinely useful gameplay tips! multifunctional. elegant. a very pleasing font too) be an inextricable part of the art direction and field of vision the whole way through that deathloop is pulling is vastly even more original, effective and fascinating, I've never seen a game quite do this before. it changes something to have these words actually visually, physically placed and embedded into the environment itself. we not only see snatches of what colt is thinking, we crucially see where he's thinking it, at what pace, where he's placing the inner landscape in the outer landscape and perhaps what he associates with each other -- we can use where and when the text pops up as additional context to read into the meaning of the words themselves. some text even gets some animation, flickers in a specific way to suggest excitement/agitation/intensity or anxiety!!! a whole game kinetic typography experience that is functional and stylish, who else is doing it like this!!

my favourite version of this may (predictably) be the remembered homoerotic guitar lesson in frank's club -- the way it unfolds through the room and into the next corridor unhurriedly, dwellingly, which gives it a dreamy, almost absent-minded feeling. the sense of being lost in a memory, how the way you traverse the room decides the pacing of what you're reading. how big and unavoidable the text is on the screen, telling you how much the recollection is occupying colt's mind in that moment. even if you ignore it and look around at other things, it stays there hovering in your peripheral vision. idk how they did this with just text, but it feels breathy and intimate in how it unfolds. taken together with all the other thoughts/messages scattered around the club -- angry, resentful, longing, wistful, fretful, sad, bitter, whatever unparalleled shrimp emotion just ...frank... hovering over where the guy himself is on the other side of a wall evokes in me -- it builds such an emotionally rich impression of what's gone down here and how colt feels about this place (and guy), even though we've barely learned a clear detail of the actual circumstances of the relationship or what lead to the break, and had nary a spoken voice line from colt to guide us. we don't get to know exactly what happened, but we sure do get to know how colt feels about it (a lot of very complicated things all at the same time, as it turns out). which again shows that emotional memory lingers longer and looms larger than factual memory here. a whole-level poem greater than the sum of its parts!! and so much of the game's narrative works like that and I LOVE it I love it so much I want to eat it why isn't everyone talking about this all the time now this is some fucking design!!!!!!!!!

like how often in a game do you literally walk through a poem and thus become part of how it's expressed???? (even more so, when did you last walk through a tender poem that's barely even subtextually about learning to give a gay handjob (to join the bitter breakup poem about even more barely subtextual gay blowjobs) lmao I love this game)? again, I've never seen a game do something quite this before, certainly not so skillfully nor consistently. I'm studying it with my little magnifying glass and a heart full of wonder

[moe-broey]

"I would hate to be stuck at a family dinner with them (Alfonse and Sharena's Parents)" -- god wait new hell scenario just dropped. Modern AU I fucking guess there's no way it translates otherwise --

But like. Alfonse is the type of guy you could bring home to your parents and they would adore him. They would be soooo proud of You (somehow) for netting such a Good Guy. And if you're Moe, they might somehow be thinking This is what's going to fix you. Somehow. That you're finally back "on the right path", he's such a "Nice Young Man" (abundantly clear that they do not see his queerness At All, so he must not see You, and so you guys are magically gonna become heterosexual. Somehow. Or are already "functionally" het.)

And it would be a unique form of torture, but Alfonse could swing it. This is like his forté. He is SO good. At navigating Bullshit Situations, by bullshitting, himself. I think he would also subtly but Very Clearly be on your side, if any Loaded Fucking Stupid Ass Remarks are made -- enough to say "Hey, I see my partner exactly as they are, and I like them for that", but not so much that he's stirring the pot. He is threading the social situation needle. His entire life, he's been training for this.

Meanwhile. Moe. Oh god. Moe is NOT someone you bring home to your parents. Unless if they're REALLY fucking chill and are already okay with a million fucking things prior. And. Moe. Is NOT. Someone you bring home to Gustav, when you are Alfonse.

[screambirdscreaming]

At the bus stop one time there was a gaggle of preschoolers waiting to catch the bus for a field trip day, and someone walked past with a couple of friendly little dogs, to great general delight.

But after a little bit, the dogs were getting overwhelmed, and the preschoolers were gently coaxed to back off so the person with the dogs could continue on. Specifically, one of the preschool teachers said, "Sometimes, when you're small, being surrounded by big people can be a bit scary and overwhelming. Even if they are friendly."

This was recieved as great wisdom: after all, the preschoolers were also small, and understood how scary and overwhelming big people could be! And the dogs were indeed even smaller than the preschoolers, so it made sense.

What was funny and charming was that, upon absorbing and reflecting on this wisdom, they all felt the need to tell it to one another. In tones of great insight, they turned to one another and said, "Did you know? Sometimes when you are small, being surrounded by big people can be scary and overwhelming! Even if they are friendly!" Back and forth, without any particular concern that they were all saying the same thing. Have reached comprehension of an insight, it must be shared!

I must say that this behavior is less charming in tumblr users than in preschoolers. Not least because tumblr users, having gained a little analytical skill to misuse, insist on Summarizing and Generalizing and Unifying the insights they repeat, quickly turning any interesting new information into formulaic dogmatic mush.

[servuscallidus]

.

[altruistic-meme]

help someone please make me be an adult cus i really just don't want to.

[einstetic]

i'm not tired, i'm exhausted

[orchideae]

I have so very much to catch up on, my sincerest apologies, seriously— there's been mental madness going on behind the scenes, including this weekend. Please, let December be the month where normality starts and stays.

And on a more IC note, I often talk about solitude and isolation (and its origins in a very specific kind of loneliness) that is chosen and accepted, but I don't know if I ever talk about what that looks like exactly, and why, quite frankly, it's a little... for lack of a better word, concerning. Do me a favor, if you're in Genshin, turn your clock to nighttime, then go out into any of the cities, villages, camps, footholds and look up, no matter the nation you're in. How many characters are able to do that, and see a night sky that is nothing but void of any and all bounds and limitations? How many of them see that endless array of stars that illuminate it, and how many feel the cool fresh air that tickles their skin? For many, they can leave the four walls that house them, and experience that sight and sensation, because all of us to an extent, crave that. And honestly, so can Yelan— but she also, if not more often so, chooses to see something else. And the unusual concept of choosing that, is a driving force to my decisions for her and why I deem them so incredibly important: it's about the state of mind, it's about the mental that drives her.

On many days and nights especially, this is what she sees, and this is only if she doesn't descend further into the Chasm (which we know that she does), closer to the Abyss and to the Celestial nail itself that rests at its heart. And yes, it is beautiful in its own way, a pathway illuminated by the light of the moon and the nail, but it's also a cruel reminder of just how far the surface, and humans that live there (that she is by all accounts a part of, of course), are. But then, when she returns her gaze to the ground, her surroundings are void of light and dare I say, void of hope. The Chasm isn't just one of the places where you can get the closest to the Abyss, but it also consists of ruins of more than just one civilization. We see glimpses of Khaenri'ah (which we explore more closely through Dain's quest), but we know there is 'fauna' down there, even deeper, that is referenced as belonging to an even more ancient civilization that predated it. The Chasm is surrounded by reminders of death, ruin, and in that, it feels as if it's the direct foil of the world above it. The Chasm was almost the end of Liyue five-hundred years ago during the fall of Khaenri'ah, just as it had, apparently, once been to a civilization before it (please remember, the impact of the meteorite/fallen star that created the Chasm occurred roughly 6000 years ago), and its creatures wouldn't have stopped at its borders. The Chasm is the engulfing darkness in direct opposition to the light of life overhead, and the hope that humanity holds in the palms of its hands. It's dark, it's grim, and it's cold in more ways than one (See one, two, three, four).

And this place is a choice that Yelan makes to venture to and stay in, yes, yet calling it a choice is where it gets so interesting. Once upon a time, long before she got her vision, she was part of a team that surveyed the surroundings of the Chasm, and like many others before them that have descended into it, all members of this team, excluding her, died. The circumstances aren't clear, but following Yelan's line to Ning, I'm lead to believe that the Chasm's surroundings, which are all rather clearly threats to non-vision holders in specific (which Yelan also was at the time), were directly responsible for their demise. I'll note my hypothesis on what could have happened to them in a different post in the future, as I don't want to go far off-topic, but despite having likely witnessed what occurred to them, seeing the ruins of the Chasm, the threat of the Abyss and barely understanding what the Abyss even is, she continues to venture down there because the possibility of what could happen to the people of Liyue, is more important than her own existence and/or survival. And this bears even more weight following the events of Perilous Trail part 2, where she witnessed just how much the Chasm is capable of. Is this walking engima of a woman also drawn to equal or greater mystery than herself, much like a moth to a flame? I think that's part of it, but I definitely think it's infinitely more multi-layered.

Mostly, I think that this plays into the heart of what Fontaine has shown us that 'hydro' seems to represent: it's not merely a sense of responsibility (and/or justice) or selflessness, but a semblance of self-sacrifice either during the duration of one's life or at its end, either literally or figuratively. But keeping that in mind, what I really want to shine a spotlight on, is what kind of self-sacrifice seems to be the case with Yelan, and the way in which she seems to not just be at peace with it, but has truly accepted it almost as something akin to normality. And more importantly, note how this isn't normal behavior. An acceptance of solitude in such depressing surroundings is incredibly saddening, because it's not something that we ever crave by any means or should ever come to crave. Any regular individual, even most vision-holders surely, would find what she does insane to some extent. And yet, she walks the depths of the Chasm, of all places, with a similar routine as a Millelith guard patrols the outskirts of the harbor. Regardless of her clear reason for it— god, I have difficulty explaining what I'm trying to say; how does someone get to a point where they no longer do something so depressing out of necessity, but because it's... normal? That's her. The Chasm isn't... as eerie to her as it is to others, even if she knows better than most what these surroundings are; the Chasm it isn't as dangerous, even if she knows that it is and it's why she's there in the first place, to her as it is to others. Perhaps it's simply an acceptance that regardless of its dangers, that her fate lies in those depths as it did for her ancestors, that the Chasm's ruins will include her own legacy one day. But again, how does one come to terms with that? How do you come to make the decision that you will sacrifice yourself for others, especially when it means resigning yourself to a place like the Chasm, a place that is home to a pathway to the Abyss, which inherently holds the power to drive mortals to madness and death. Many wouldn't do this, or rather, many couldn't do this, not until they had no other choice and even then, think of Boyang, and even Bosacius, granted the latter had lost his mind by then. And that's where I think she's unique, because she technically has a choice, unlike individuals like Xiao whose... direct 'responsibility' and contract it is to do what he does. She could walk away tomorrow if she willed it, but she doesn't. Yes, responsibility plays into it, but the Chasm really hits differently when you tie it into that.

Now, I do need to note that I firmly stand against any believe that she a death wish or is thoroughly depressed. She isn't going down there over and over because she seeks an end to her life in some way or because she believes her life to be worthless. Quite the contrary, actually, and one could argue that the reasoning for that lies with her survivor's guilt. But all in all, before I get sidetracked again: Yelan embraces solitude to a rather extreme extent, and yet she doesn't seem to harbor a dissociation from the rest of humanity or dislike of it, but she does seem to place a firm line between non-allogenes and herself (and others who hold a vision). But what I mean with embracing solitude, is that while she is social, and she understands the laws and diplomacy of social behavior, she isn't one to always engage in it, simply because many don't seem to quite... share her headspace.

[seaofreverie]

Anyway.... Back to what I was pondering earlier today... It's been 4 months but I'm still as deeply obsessed with Exotic Creatures of the Deep as at the very start

[always-a-joyful-note]

So I've read Bogie Time and Fist of Idol, as well as a few other stories (cannot for the life of me remember their names) thanks to the Sanctuary Event almost being out on Engstars = free stories to read and have realised that enstars also has

- cryptocurrencies (shoutout to the tags that said this) - vampires - literal war flashbacks - debates on the fluidity of morality (who was the philosopher who said that morals change as people evolve?) - censorship laws discourse - nonconsensual drugging - power rangers - questionable but compelling breakdowns of classic literature - did i mention the monologues? - urban fantasy characters - references to tax laws - a surprising amount of crossdressing - on that note, a surprising amount of flirting (you guys weren't kidding) - information wars - a concerning amount of teenagers with god(ish) complexes - totalitarianism

[sysig]

Like a dream (Patreon)

[poetryqueer]

rotating uvm’s pentheus in my mind always

[artificialnocturnc]

I have a lot of feelings about dream and delirium and i am looking forward to seeing these episodes omfg.

[cloudbattrolls]

Arty is extremely smart and competent at what it was made for and various other practical skills, and utterly dogshit at being a person and maintaining deeper relationships without trying to bolt or self-sabotage.

[catididnt]

Burning Man is less about “eat the rich” and the complete disregard for the natural environment that those attending have embraced while claiming to be so about community. (How can you claim to be community focused when your chosen location degrades the equipment of the people who attend? They’re very self-selecting about who attends without saying they are. Even the cheapest tickets require like $2K once you add in everything.) 

It’s more like the libertarian town that got invaded by bears. I felt for the original locals in that - only there are no locals at Burning Man. Everyone decided to be part of an event to “burn the man” despite how much they now cater to influencers.

“Eat the rich” is the wrong battle cry, but I don’t think we have one that gets more nuanced. You want to go after the people who are using up the resources at an unsustainable pace, that are setting the bar and selling out everyone else for their own enjoyment - How do we sum that up?

Anyway, check out https://www.jetfinder.com/burning-man-festival/ and their recommendations! 

I’m aware most of the 72,000 people there are not “private jet” rich, but pretending Burning Man doesn’t cater to “$500 is a rounding error” rich is silly

Seeing the notes on posts about the Burning Man Debacle™ and for fucks sake I am taking the phrase 'eat the rich' away from y'all until you can CORRECTLY IDENTIFY the rich

Rich is 'arrived by way of their private jet', is 'dropped $500k on a submarine ticket', is '$500 is a rounding error'.

'$500 dollars for a nine day event they must all be rich white people' no you reactionary rotten potato that is actually an entirely reasonable price for an entirely normal person to pay for an annual event! $500 over the course of a year is approximately equivalent to one big takeout a month! Being able to afford that doesn't make you rich it makes you probably not poor! The 'rich or poor' narrative is a false dichotomy that completely excludes the fact that 'richness' or 'poorness' is a SCALE! It's not fucking categorical! You don't one day magically flip a switch and go from 'poor' to 'rich' or vice versa you see incremental changes over time! Wealth distribution is a (these days, admittedly, rather wonky) motherfucking BELL CURVE! . The fact that capitalism is driving more and more people to either extreme of said curve is just evidence of a broken system, but it doesn't change the fact that most people should have a decent amount of disposable income!

The fact that many people don't have said disposable income doesn't magically make the ones that do 'rich' it makes everyone else poor. And the people at fault for the massive and growing percentage of people living below the poverty line are not the ones managing to stay above it, it's the fault of the actually rich, the ones stealing our time and our health and our wages and our future in pursuit of a number on a screen. And the rich are the only people you're helping by hating the people struggling slightly less than you.

When it comes time to 'eat the rich' you're going to be murdering dentists and librarians and scientists while the actually rich point and laugh from a safe distance as you solve their problems for them.