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uncleasad · 2 years ago

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This afternoon I had this fun idea for a scene in the last part of the Stepmother Alyssa Chang fic, and it possessed my head, so I wrote it. (Exorcism of plot ideas!)

831 words in 44 minutes.

BUT…once I finished, I realized the mood is all wrong (probably) and it takes the plot in a direction I don’t think I want it to go (without checking back with my notes and getting back in that headspace), so…it probably won’t appear in the finished work?

So I thought I’d post it here. Mildly spoilerish for the fic itself, so if you don’t want to be spoiled, don’t “Keep reading,” and if this scene doesn’t make it into the final draft, I promise to include a link to this post when I do publish the fic.

(Unedited, POV is wrong, etc…)

“I’ll take the couch,” Hope stated while gesturing Josie towards her bed. “You can get ready in the bathroom.” She pulled the sheets off and tossed them on the couch, then remade the bed with fresh sheets she’d retrieved from the linen “closet,” before finally changing into a pair of loose shorts and a faded, very worn, oversized Salvatore School t-shirt.

When Josie emerged from the bathroom, fresh-faced, a slight smile, and most of the stress of her long day washed away, in a well-loved yellow t-shirt and an almost-matching pair of Minions sleep shorts, Hope pointed to the bed and nodded. Josie got into bed and underneath the covers, before turning one corner over and patting the bed. “Come join me?” the ex-brunette asked, doing her best to make it seem more of a request and less of a question, biting her lower lip as she waited for the auburnette’s reply.

“Jo, you’ve had a lot to drink…”

“Not like that…”

“And a long day; you need a good rest…”

“And the only way I’m going to get it is with someone next to me. I’ve been alone for far too long, and all I want now, after this exhausting day, is to feel someone I know next to me….”

Hope relented and padded over to the bed, sitting down on the spot Josie had indicated and swinging her legs under the covers. “I have her number,” the tribrid began softly, voice full of regret. “She calls me once or twice a year to check in, make sure I’m not murdering people….”

Josie gazed at her with a look that was hard to decipher, but she thought she saw elements of fear, loss, regret, and love as she reached for her phone. She picked it up, and Josie nodded faintly, so Hope tapped Lizzie’s number and put the phone on speaker.

Not long after, a tired, slightly irritated voice answered, “HOPE ANDREA MIKAELSON, you’d better have a good reason for calling at this ungodly hour; I need my beauty sleep. Has that excuse for a father done something stupid again? You better not have killed anyone. I knew I’d regret agreeing to be your sponsor in Serial Killers Anonymous…”

“I’m not a member of Serial Killers Anonymous, and you know that’s not how sponsors work…” Hope tried to object, but Lizzie continued talking over her protestations, ranting about whatever douche at a club had ruined her night.

“Lizzie,” Hope finally interjected, forcefully enough to get the blonde’s attention, and she then tapped the button to switch over to a video call. Finally, the auburnette continued in a jovial, almost teasing tone, “You’ll never guess who walked into my bar tonight.” Before giving the heretic a chance to answer, Hope panned the phone to include Josie, clearly in bed under the sheets with Hope.

“Hey, Liz,” the pink-haired witch greeted her twin delicately.

“NO! No, no, no, no, no. I am not seeing this,” the blonde exploded. “I warned you, Hope. To STAY. THE. FUCK. AWAY. FROM. MY. SISTER! I am getting on the next plane to DC and will put your tribrid ass in the ground before sunset. How could you!?” Lizzie railed, feeling betrayed once again by the Mikaelson woman.

“Lizzie!” her twin hissed, “It’s not like that at all.” Josie threw back to covers to show them completely clothed. “I had a long day and wanted someone to cuddle with…”

Cuddle? Hope’s cheeks began to redden.

“…So I could fall asleep. Strange town, strange bed. Just to not be alone, for once, after all these years,” the witch bit her lip, “and Hope mentioned she had your number, and I wanted to hear your voice again, Liz…”

“I’m sorry, Jo,” the blonde’s voice softened, full of regret for her outburst. “It’s good to see you, too; I’ve missed you for so long.” The twins smiled at each other, for the first time in more than a decade…since the night that Hope died. The world that the Mikaelson had turned upside down was finally set right, at least in that little part. Lizzie looked sternly at Hope and continued, “But absolutely no canoodling, or I swear I will hunt you down and end your tribrid ass. Read my lips, you and my sister are never happening.”

“Love you, too, Lizzie,” the auburnette chuckled.

“We’ll talk to you tomorrow, Liz; I’m exhausted. But finally the world feels right again.”

“G’night, Jo; I love you. Mikaelson. Keep your grubby paws off of my sister. You’re the little spoon.”

“Love you, sis,” Josie replied softly before tapping the button to end the call. “Thank you,” she added to her bedmate, leaning over to place a kiss on her cheek before laying her head on the pillow. “��Night, Hope.”

“G’night, Jo,” the tribrid replied, reaching over to flick off the light before turning her back towards her old friend, preparing to become the little spoon.

#Hosie #status #Stepmother Alyssa Chang #excerpt #hosie fics #hosie fanfic #hosie fanfiction #exorcism of plot ideas

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balaroo · 4 years ago

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Still thinking about my quirkless YouTuber bkdk au... In this au they still all went to the same high school and became friends but without all the near death experiences and it's set a few years after they finished school so I thought up some ideas of what kind of YouTubers they'd be:

Izuku - Goes by Deku on his channel. Started off doing a few small videos in middle school, product reviews and short vlogs etc, he got into gaming in high school as his channel started growing. His subscribers are really loyal and love how upbeat and snarky he can be in his videos and he likes to post loads content of he and his friends doing stupid shit as well. He mainly plays long series of RPG games where he can get really into the lore of them as well as online multiplayer games with his friends and he'll also livestream a lot of the time to answer questions and just chat to his watchers! He tends to avoid horror games, he can usually only manage a little bit at a time, or gets Bakugou to play them with him which his subscribers love. As far as equipment goes he started off very basic and gradually afforded better computers/cameras thanks to his subscribers who he loves very dearly.

Bakugou - He works with his father in fashion design and as a personal trainer on the side. He and Izuku started living together not that long after high school and have been dating for just over a year though they were pretty much inseparable for most of their school years. He doesn't have his own channel but he features a lot in Izuku's videos and livestreams whether he's willing to or not. He prefers the more action orientated first person games but he'll join in on whatever multiplayer game they're all playing when he has the time. Even though he doesn't have much experience with gaming in general he's infuriatingly good at puzzle games to the point where Izuku will make him solve the difficult parts for him. Though he doesn't have his own channel, Izuku's subscribers love seeing him in Izuku's videos, especially the multiplayer games where he loses his shit a lot with everyone else and he's also the one who deals with any hate comments Izuku may get on his channel.

This got way longer than I intended so the others are below the line!

Todoroki - He was initially resigned to becoming the next CEO of his dad’s company which he had been groomed for pretty much his entire life until he met Izuku and the others in high school. After that he started trying to make his own name and ended up joining Izuku by playing games and managed to grow his channel really quickly with Izuku’s help. This boy always has the most up-to-date tech and somehow manages to get every big name game on beta or pre-release which gets him a lot of attention. He’ll play any kind of games but his favourite are relaxing immersive games like Abzu, they don’t get as much attention though so he doesn’t film that many of them, and though he mostly does silent commentary he has so many fan-made compilations of him saying the most hilarious stuff unintentionally with a dead-pan expression that it’s mainly what he’s known for now. He joins in with multiplayer games and likes to rile up Bakugou by targeting him on any that involve killing each other. He doesn’t interact with his subscribers as much as the others but he makes sure to tell them how much he appreciates them and hosts a lot of giveaways which make him pretty popular. Has the annoying ability to play horror games without being spooked.

Uraraka - This girl played one game with Izuku in high school when she went over to his and then was hooked. She’s still studying in University to get into a career in astronomy and help her parents so she doesn’t have as much time to manage a channel as the others but like Izuku, she has a lot of very loyal subscribers because of her personality. Todoroki was actually the one who helped her get a proper gaming computer (by giving it to her and saying the store had been told not to accept returns) and her subscribers also help her get access to big games which she gets very flustered and so grateful for. She likes quite violent games and often gets underestimated online when she tries to play co-op shooter games etc, but she enjoys proving them wrong. She’s quite well known for trying out independent indie games and rating them but she enjoys being online with her friends the most and plays a lot of co-op games. She’ll also post videos of all of them hanging out, she loves making highlight reels when they do something big together! She’ll interact with lots of people online as well and does Q&A’s with her family when she can which they always get embarrassed about because she likes to hype them up.

Kirishima - Like Izuku, he was already making videos in middle school. His channel is mainly vlogs/stupid prank videos (ft Kaminari) and he likes to share his workout routines as well! His channel also features a lot of Bakugou when he manages to convince him to do videos with him about exercise tips etc. He works full time as a personal trainer and motivator and he’s actually taken a few courses in basic counselling/therapy so he can do his job and help people to the best of his ability. He’s not into gaming as much as they others so will usually only join for their multiplayer sessions but he’s also tried a few popular games when his subscribers asked him to. Out of all of them, he probably pays the most attention to his subscribers- he gives out advice and chats to them on livestreams often so they’re all very loyal watchers. Kaminari, Mina, and Sero get featured on his channel a lot because they still hang out so often and some of his most popular videos are series of pranks they all play on each other that Bakugou is usually dragged into.

Momo - She is the queen of product reviews and recommendations. Seriously, she will buy something to try even if she’s not remotely interested in it because some of her subscribers asked her to and then do a giveaway competition for it. She is always being sponsored by big companies which she’ll quite happily advertise but never in a way that feels pushy which is why she’s so popular as a content creator. She manages to keep to a pretty regular upload schedule and posts a whole range of things from book recommendations to videos featuring big name celebrities which get her a lot of attention. When she first started her channel, it was just a way to document her learning progress during school and she was very nervous, but now she’s a pretty big name and is a lot more confident with public speaking etc. She’s not interested in games but she’ll occasionally feature in the others videos and loves to hype up her friends’ channels in her own videos.

Iida - He made himself a channel with the others in high school but barely ever uses it. He’ll usually post rants about the randomest topics and most of his subscribers can’t tell if he’s joking or not. While he will join the others in their multiplayer games he doesn’t know a thing about gaming and tries to apply real life logic to their situations which never works but is very funny to watch.

Kaminari - “Watch me try and fit a whole apple in my mouth!” That’s it, that’s his channel. Usually followed by “Had to go to the emergency room :/” His subscribers love him and he takes running his channel very seriously, referring to all of them as his fans and always tries to keep them up to date on everything via livestreams and tweets. He spends a lot of time making videos that feature everyone else because he loves keeping all their channels connected to each other even if they’re not in high school anymore. He couldn’t get Jirou to make her own channel to feature her music on so he’ll post a lot of their jamming sessions (he, Jirou, Bakugou, Tokoyami, and Momo will still meet up to play songs together even though Jirou is a solo performer now) so he likes to show off all his friends talents as much as he can. In terms of gaming, he, Kirishima, Mina, and Sero are very much their own gaming team and play so many online team games together though they very enthusiastically join in with the others as well!

These are all just things I thought up pretty quickly so I might add to it later but I’d love to hear other ppl’s ideas about it !!

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popculturebuffet · 4 years ago

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Tom and Jerry 2021 Review: It’s Almost Adequate!

Hello you happy people, and welcome to a surprise review! While this was on my schedule, I moved it out to make room for my new Patreon Sponsored review. Yes at the 5 dollar tier you too can get a review a month.. but enough shilling. Point is I had some thoughts on the film, and felt I could squeeze a review of it into the schedule since my review for yesterday, the 90′s Tom and Jerry movie, got canceled as I both had to finish up my tex avery birthday review and hadn’t noticed it wasn’t on HBO Max like I thought. I could’ve sworn it was once but not anymore. Gee it’s almost like they removed their overtly awful Tom and Jerry movie from the service so people woudln’t be reminded of it when they watched the mediocre new one. Or it was never on there because HBO wants to bury that mistake in a hole. You make the call.

Point is I had some room in my schedule, so if I can’t cover the 1990 movie this weekend, though I FULLY intend to still do that at some point as it still fascinates me, might as well cover the one everyone’s actually watching. So join me under the cut with spoilers to go into why this film is .. ehhhh. under the cut

Tom and Jerry follows, as you’d expect, our working boys up to their ass in shit, what is this buisness. In this case Tom literally rides in on a rail with his keyboard wanting to be a big musician one day, while Jerry is shopping around for a home but can’t find any in his bracket. The two end up fighting, as you’d expect, when Tom performs as a blind cat in a park, a great gag, and Jerry first steals his customers by dancing to his music, but then when Tom tries to stop him, not only exposes his scam, but gets Tom’s beloved Keyboard broken.

In the process of Tom trying to get Jerry back for runing his day, Tom ruins the day of Kayla, a cynical young lady played by Chole Grace Moretz who like Robin in the last theatrical film, is a blonde girl who takes up way more screen time than our heroes for some reason. Tom accidently destroys the clothes she was sent to deliver, and she gets fired from her Task Rabbit esque job... despite the fact that TaskRabbit is app based, entirely built around how you do jobs for hire as needed, and that at most she’d get a bad review and that the app dosen’t actually hire people. I know this both because i’ve seen the apps and parodies of it show up on tv shows I watch, most recently Close Enough, and because I took the 2 minutes it took to google it , read some of the Wikipedia article and do the bare minimum that me, a paid only by commissions and patreons reviewer, did to prove a point, and that the writers of this film, who likely got paid at least 10000 for a rewrite, and more for whoever wrote the treatment, which is about 30,000 at lowest as told to me by this article on what screenwriters get paid I looked up solely to prove a point. So they got paid tens of thousands of dollars, probably more than standard... to not spend 5 minutes looking up what task rabbit is, becuase they wanted to give her a “hip” job instead of just having her work for a dry cleaner. Then again they got thousands upon thousands to half ass it and i’m getting paid nothing to go on a rant about how they half assed it, so maybe i’m the dumbass, I dunno, but at least I take pride in my work. And i’ve had trouble spellchecking at times so take that as you will.

But so far the film is not bad: the slapstick is blended really well, the action is pitch perfect and our heroes are given good motivations: Kayla’s to find a job, Tom to play piano professionally and Jerry to find a proper home. You ready for some letdown?!

All three of our heroes converge at the Royal Gate Hotel, a prestigious hotel that’s been host to popes, dignitaries and Drake. Jerry sneaks inside, and soon finds himself at home and making himself home, Tom TRIES to and ends up getting on the wrong side of Butch, the black cat from the shorts played in this film by reggaton performer Nicky Jam. Why they choose him over a comedian or anyone who could actually act, especially since Butch dosen’t have a musical number or anything, is a riddle for the ages. My best guest, as it always is, is that Tim Story owes him a Wookie-Style life debt. Not only that but even more bafflingly Butch’s gang, who to the films credit like him are all his gang of cats from the classic shorts, are played by Kevin Hart’s Improve Troop, The Plastic Cup Boyz. I got a preview for what passing a kidney stone’s going to feel like just typing that name. I thought I had no explanation for this, not even a wookie life debt can explain how Kevin Hart’s posse, because he has one for some reason but at least unlike Adam Sandler he’s helping his smaller named friends get big instead of just promoting guys who really shouldn’t have a career or dragging poor guys like Shaq or Terry Crews into your bullcrap because they like you., can explain how this happened. But I forgot I looked up Tim Story’s filmography when I first found out he was director here, more on him later, and found out he directed both Ride Along films, both think like a man films, and one of Kevin Hart’s specials, so the two presumably are friends or at least have a solid working relationship, and given how successful the first Ride Along was for both men, I doubt Tim would turn down a favor from him and vice versa.

And while I find the Plastic Cup Boyz inclusion in this film bizzare and wish it was fellow comedy troupe and starkid adjacent wonderkinds the Tin Can Bros so I could get Joey Richter voicing an animated cat, they at least try their best, their just not given much to do and I don’t get casting them in these side rolls or not giving the butch role to one of them as Nicky Jam just sucks in the role. And I get Butch isn’t the most solid or complex character, but it still isn’t THAT hard, with the 80 drumloads of great comedians out there, to find SOMEONE better, and it’s weird Kevin Hart himself isn’t in the roll. If it wasn’t a wookie life debt i’m betting Hart was going to play Butch, had to back out due to scheduling conflicts or whatever, and Tim found the first guy he could who’d take almost nothing instead of an actual actor.

Kayla meanwhile somehow takes herself from sympathetic to wholly unlikeable in the span of the scene by maniuplating and terrifying a poor woman into not taking the job, outright STEALING HER RESUME, meaning if she screwed up this might go on the poor woman’s record, and lying her way into the job. And if the woman had been you know a classist dick or something, i’d understand but this is a perfectly nice lady who worked really hard, and who looses out on a job because some little bitch talked her out of it and then stole her identity. This one act really just makes me not care: It’s one thing to do what you gotta to get a job, I myself have never lied on an application but I get new york’s insanely expensive. Even if she presumibly lives in a hole that’s cramped, has roaches or rats, who given this unvierse probably have tiny tv’s that are still way too loud and binge watch way too much Jersey Shore at 2 in the morning, and is probably haunted, probably by Droopy wearing a bedsheet going boo but still, and yes he’s also alive here but he has identical cousins. Not the point. Point is even if she has sympathetic motives.. what she did is not okay and when she get flashes of guilt throughtout hte film it’s never long enough to feel like it’s not her simply feeling bad she didn��t get this herself and not that she STOLE IT FROM ANOTHER PERSON. Again if she’d FAKED her resume, this would’ve been fine, simply set up some websites, and it would’ve worked so why they went with this elaborate setup that takes her into outright crimes is beyond me.

Point is she gets hired by the manager/owner, Mr. Dubrois, played by Rob Delany, but since his name isn’t used enough i’m just going to call him Mustache Manager. Her direct superior whose against her being hired is Terrance, the Gate’s Event Manager played by a way too good for this film Micheal Pena, who sadly is given nothing to work with. Terrance.. is supposed to be the bad guy because he distrusts kayla. And while one of those reasons is stupid, she makes a joke about the goldfish being an aquatics manger and he takes it dead seriously, he’s rightfully supscious she’s not who she says she is, since one of the places on her resume is a place he knows people from. The only way the film manages to make him the bad guy is he is COMICALLY out of touch: he dosen’t get sarcasm, as seen before, dosen’t want people posting jerry to “snapgram or instaface”, and seems to have trouble relating to his guests. What makes this not work is that he’s manger at a ludicrously expensive hotel. As such a good chunk of his events would be for Celebrties, since New York’s a big hub for them, having tons living there and visiting for films, apperances on late night talk shows, SNL and what have you and being a prime spot for events and it’s clear part of his job is talking to the guests as the two the film focuses on, more on that in a minute, know him and have met him before. He also mentions Drake having stayed there... he would NOT have kept this job.

You’d need to do through research on these kinds of celebrates and social media is the easiest way to do that, to get what they like, what they don’t, what they don’t want to talk about, what scandals or gos might be going on to keep paparazzi out. I don’t even know how this business works nor did I google it.. and I didn’t to prove a point.. that even with no real idea how this works.. I still get what you’d probably need to know to make events for rich famous people. I’m not convinced Terrance knows how an internet works. And given writer Kevin Costello wrote the well received and weird film I still want to see Brigbsby Bear, I get the sense a lot of this nonsense was added in rewrites demanded by executives and credit him more for what works in the film. More on that in a moment.

Kayla is hired on because the Royal Gate has it’s biggest event ever, the wedding of Ben, played by Colin Jost, and Preeta, played by Pallavi Sharda. Why is it big? What do they do exactly? Are they trust fund babies? Did Ben invent an app? Did Preeta cure global warming? Did they both help defeat Galactus DEVOURER OF WORLDS?!... I dont’ know. If the film told me at all why their big names, even if it’s just because their famous for being famous which would be fine, why this is bigger than a fucking pope visiting, I missed it and I actually went back to their first scene and the scene where Mustache Manager brings up the wedding in the first place to Kayla, and found nothing. We just know their rich, their getting married, Ben doesn’t listen to Preeta and is insufferable, and that they own two classic Tom and Jerry characters: Ben owns spike whose played by Bobby Canavale who isn’t bad but dosen’t try to sound like spike at all and that annoys me given unlike Tom and Jerry, the former of whom’s signature noises from the cartoon were used archivally and otherwise dosen’t talk and only sings on occasion or does that wonderfully weird “don’t you belivie it” thing., has a distinct voice they could’ve got someone to imitate. The other is Preeya’s cat toodles, that white cat Tom is always trying to bang, who got a neat less anthro redesign.

Toots, Toodles whatever you call her the redesign works, making her more of a cat, and only speaking in meows for some reason, and combinging the two female cats tom’s liked, but while still being just funny animal enough that him wanting some pussy, so to speak, isn’t too creepy.

And this is where the film undergoes a bit of a shift. While the 20 or so minutes are rightfully focused on our boys with a bit of focus on Kayla, from here on out she’s our defacto lead. Given the last film did the same damn thing of making Tom and Jerry not the main leads in their own movie, you can see the problem. I will say to the film’s credit it is still LEAGUES better in a lot of other ways than the 90′s film in that the plot is actually centered around them: Jerry, when stealing some cheese, and runs afoul of the tempermental Chef Jackie played by Kim Jeong. Though i’m 100% not convinced Ben Chang didn’t just lie on his resume at some place and has now somehow become a michline star canditate. He finds Jerry, and Kayla volunteers to catch him to help her own career and validly points out her doing this discreetly with only the staff knowing about the mouse will keep it from becoming a social media nightmare.

The 90′s film could work without them, replacing them with any animal sidekick for Robin, since nit’s so far removed from Tom and Jerry their really an afterthought. Here the film DOES feel like a tom and jerry plot at it’s core, Jerry’s somewhere he shoudln’t be, Tom wants to chase him either due to personal greivance or his job depending on it, in this case both. The small side cast are all involved, and given decent if thin justifications for being there: Butch is an ally cat and Spike and Tootles are the pets of the happy couple.

And honestly the slapstick portions, the portions that are tom and jerry focused or use the humans well, are BRILLIANT. No really, it’s good stuff once in a while using a bit from the classics but mostly coming up with new gags and the animation is gorgeous. I won’t lie and say it’s always perfect, sometimes the models are a bit off and look unfinished and that’s not forgivable when you delay your film two months, and thus have extra time to work on that. But that’s a few shots here and there versus the majority of hte film where the various animals all blend perfectly. Unlike most Live Action adaptations of an old cartoon, this one actually seemed to have good reason, as they’ve taken the basic roger rabbit tech of decades ago and expanded on it well. Just like that classic you often wonder how the hell they pulled this off, and outside of one egregrous sequence where tom sets up an elaborate trap we spend far too much time on, when they do use CG for any props, you can’t tell. This is best highlighted by what I consdier to be the film’s best sequence and what brings Tom into the plot proper after lurking on the fringes for a good 15 minutes: Tom, miserable in the rain, finds jerry living it up in an empty room, and after some fun shenanigans trying to get in, finally succeds leading to a good 2-3 minute sequence of the two chasing after each other in the room. There are no actors, no one else and the room is empty, but perfectly gimmicked to time with thier movments. Wether they used cg and I couldn’t tell or just simply timed things great, it’s utterly fantastic and shows why this film is live action: while i’td be fine animated they cleary ahd the tech and ideas to do it live and thus did it this way. Naturally Kayla meets Tom again, and after finding out the room was trashed by both him and Jerry gets Mustache Manager to hire him.

But this is the problem: While there are great set pieces like this, or a REALLY damn impressive one later where Terrance gets dragged into a ball of violence while walking Spike for Ben and we see INSIDE IT, with Terrance not moving as fast but that being okay. And I love the movie’s commitment that ALL animals are animated. So it has it’s charms and gets a LOT right.

It’s clear to me from this strong core that the script was messed with, either by director Tim Story or the execs. Some misguided and stupid bits I get even if it was a bad idea: Tom does do the piano at one point, after he thinks he’s gotten rid of Jerry thanks to again an unwieldy overly long bit of CGI that’s a down spot on the usually good just tom and jerry stuff. And he STARTS singing a 40′s jazz song, and I thought “Okay they really got this and are doing something like is you is or is you ain’t my baby this will be fun”. Then T-Pain started using autotune, because of course, and Tom’s shoulder devil started scratching next to him...

By the way Tom’s Shoulder Devil and Angel are played very well by Lil Rel Howrey , aka Rod from Get Out. So good on you man, one bit of non miscasting. There’s one or two cringe inducing moment of trying to be hip here or there though for a film like this it isn’t nearly as bad as you’d expect. Still bad but i’ve seen so much worse at this point i’m not going to bother getting mad or upset over it. I’m used to this kind of thing from kids movies.

But while the film dosen’t really lack Tom and Jerry, it sidelines them way too often> There’s just too many scenes just about Kayla, whose not only not a great character despite Chole trying her absolute hardest god bless her. Her hitting it off with the bartender, her arguing with Terrance whose even more insufferable and her bonding with Preeta and Ben being annoying, we’ll get to him.. WE’LL GET TO HIM. But they aren’t funny or interesting, there’s nothing THERE to really get me interested, nothing new or fresh that we haven’t seen done better before. There’s just nothing, it feels like large parts of blank space. And to illustrate this my Niece, who I watched the film with and really loves Tom and Jerry after I showed it to her... played with other stuff during most of those scenes. And she’s young, her attention span is not great.. but noticably during the actual scenes of slapstick she was glued to the tv, just like she was when I showed her the classic shorts. It’s not just old farts like me who remember tom and jerry from their youth.. it’s the kids your TRYING to appeal to that don’t want this. If you can’t get kids, who in general and speaking from my own personal experience will watch just about anything, to pay attention YOU. HAVE. FAILED.

Okay took a second to compose myself, let’s move on to the rest of the movie. So after T-Pain stabbed music in the throat, we get to the worst section of the film as Kayla brokers peace between the two to get Preeta’s ring back after the three end up in the aformnetioned violence ball with Terrance, who she ducks his claims that she didn’t catch the mouse.. which she did not but for once she’s sympathetic as Terrance is much more likeable either, though gaslighting him and getting him put on leave is a bit extreme. Bafflingly, Kayla gets his job as event cordinator for now, and thus has to broker peace between the two warring factions.. and does so in the strangest way possible: by booking a day for them in new york to hang out and be BUDDIES!. This isn’t bad as the last film as it dosen’t last, but it is just.. surreal seeing the two having a hanging out montage around new york. Like the film just took a really weird turn with this, the montage itself isn’t weird, it’s standard shenanigans minus the fighting but still good stuff. Unlike the 90′s movie instead of singing about being palls or helping a small child, they just get into cartoony shenanigans together. More proof the film could’ve been so much better just with them.

Speaking of proof the film would’ve been better without them , Ben fucks around with a drone for the wedding, after Preeta confided in Kayla the wedding’s getting to be a bit much. So let’s talk about Ben shall we? While Preeta is just nice, friendly and down to earth, Ben... is a dumbass, a jackass and just an ass. His whole schtick is that he keeps escalting the wedding despite her wishing he’d stop, and i’ts just.. not funny. A guy ignoring his partner’s wishes, constnatly doing big gestures in large part to try and win over her dad who RIGHTFULLY hates, and in general just sucks. I do not blame this on Colin Jost: He’s perfectly charming on SNL, and Weekend Update is usually damn fun under him and Micheal Che. But like with Pena and Mortez, he’s given NOTHING to work with, and furthe rmore can’t improvise.. aka the skill most SNL cast and almnus walk away with. So it’s no suprise he instead comes off like an anoying plank of wood you want to see fall down a manhole and never return so Preeta can marry someone else. I dunno the Doorman’s a pretty cool guy, and if he’s taken or something there’s always Droopy. Droopy’s the smoothest motherfucker and we all know. And if HE’S taken there’s mustache man. The point is we have a Dating Game’s worth of elligble bachelors and the film tries to sell a plank of wood who clearly wants to bang Preeta’s dad more than he wants a genuine equal relationship with Preeta.

So that dosen’t help the final act.. which is started with something REALLY weird to round off tom and jerry’s day as Tom catches a ball, interupts a play and get.s. thrown in the pound for it?

I don’t know how tha’ts a crime, I don’t get it either, point is the animal control guy is a creep who shows them off as they pass some angry dogs.. and..

MY BOY. There was an earlier joke with him taking the place of The Joker, and I thought that was it sadly but nope there he is! While, given they don’t really have much to do with each other, it is a tad weird he’s been grafted onto the tom and jerry legacy.. I really don’t care because it means Droopy gets to show up every so often in other stuff like this.. And hopefully the spinoff series coming in the summer. I”ve talked before about how much I love this dog so having him show up here was a HUGE delight and easily the higlihgt of the film and the gag is perfect. WHy is he in prison? I don’t know. But given who we’re dealing with I also assume he just disappeared later and showed up at the Wolf’s place again to get the evidence to clear his name and to help a young brodway hopeful played by Peyton R LIst get to her audition in time. And yes I just imagined another live action film with a classic character.. but admit it you’d rather be watching that one. They also run into butch who tries to force him to eat Jerry or they’ll kill him.

Terence saw the arrest on the tv though, so he bails the two out, pits them against each other, and sets them loose at the wedding. This goes how you’d expect. the two cause chaos and thanks to Weekend UpDumbass there’s pecocks, tigers and elephants, and Jerry naturally spooks the elephants, Spike, who has it in for tom as usual, goes after tom the tiger goes after him and the wedding is destroyed. Preeta breaks up with Ben and leaves, and Kayla is fired.

Less good is that Tom gets thrown out because Terrance backed out on his deal because he’s a fucking asshole. So while Kayla gripes to her sorta loveintrest bartender man, and wishes she could fix things, T and J show up, both realizing it’s their fault and both with a plan to fix things leading to our climax. Kayla goes back to the hotel, and while Terrance tries to boject she rightfully blackmails him. Sadly neither get their commupance and while Mustache Manager puts two and two together, he’s all for ending this PR Nightmare and helping with Kayla’s plan to get ben to stage a wedding in central park that Preeta actually wants while our two actual heroes go to stop her and do some light kidnapping of toodles to get Preeta to stop.

So it ends how you’d expect: Preeta makes a huge mistake, seriously Droopy go to their honemoon I guarantee Ben will wonder off into the ocean because he thought it looked sick bro, Kayla gets her job back and in a move that makes her almost tolerable hires the woman she stole from who Terrance clearly wants to bang, and Tom actually catches Toot’s eye, but then Jerry mucks it up because cockblocking tom has been his job since the 40′s, they fight, Kayla tells them to cut it out, they put an the end thing over it. Roll credits.

As you could tell I had issues with this film and had more the more I thought about it. So it’s not very good.. but I still recommend watching it if you have Max right now. Yes really. While the human parts are pretty awful as you could tell, you can have some fun mocking them, and it’s worth suffering through them for the bits with our boys, as those bits are geneuinely energetic, fun and what you came for. If you like tom and Jerry, you probably won’t like this movie.. but you’ll enjoy those bits. Hopefully if there’s a sequel, and this film was a suprise hit so their probably will be, they’ll learn their lesson from this one and focus less on the humans and more on the hyjinks but overall this is just a medicore waste of some really great technology and slapstick. This is just one huge ball of dispaointment instead of cartoon violence and i’m sorry it ended this way. If you liked this review, you can follow me on my patreon at patreon.com/popculturebuffet. Even 1 dollar a month helps and my next stretch goal nets a Darkwing Duck episode a month, so if that excites you, please sign up. And if you can’t afford to that’s fine and feel free to stick around anyway. Times are hard and I get that. And I will see you at the next rainbow.

#tom and jerry #tom and jerry 2021 #tom and jerry movie #tom and jerry the movie #tom cat #jerry mouse #droopy #toodles #spike #micheal pena #chloe grace moretz #kim jeong #colin jost #hbo max #mgm #warner brothers

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mrs-all-amukeian · 5 years ago

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All this wedding talk is making me upset and I just sense that Michael isn't completely happy but I hope whatever he is doing, he'll find true happiness through it all

Ah yes, the time has finally come to rant about my favorite couple on this planet!!

Mystal has to be the shadiest couple I have had the pleasure of witnessing. There is so many things wrong with this couple (including the ridiculous age difference that would’ve caused a massive outrage if it were the other way around) but let’s start with the one and only, Crystal Leigh. Crystal is a b-i-t-c-h and when I say bitch, I mean bitch, This grown ass woman (what is she now, 35? 36?) has the audacity to fight with young fans (myself included) just because they called her out for her horrible past. Now, we all have made mistakes before when we were teenagers and have grown since then, but this woman has made all these mistakes in her late twenties and refuses to take responsibility for any of them. Fat shaming, using several slurs, and making fun of mental disorders is not something a grown woman should do and I would advise that she take notes from Michael who actually took responsibility for one sexist joke he made when he was fifteen! Another thing to add is that Crystal is a PR manager and has managed several celebrities (no A or B list celebs though) so she has her way around things and is no rookie here.

Now that we discussed that Crystal was no angel before meeting Michael, let’s bring up the numerous holes they have in their relationship timeline. In Michael’s engagement post on Instagram, he claims that it “all started for them” in Bali 3 years ago, where at the time, Crystal was still with Spencer (his posts at the time can confirm that) and some have already speculated that she was having an affair with Michael at the time because he kept posting about her and you can actually see them getting cozy in the background of some videos posted by friends. After the first Bali trip, Crystal was STILL with Spencer but yet, she had a picture of her and Michael kissing in Bali as his iMessage contact picture on her Macbook screen. As much as I hoped that Michael wasn’t the “homewrecker” type, he clearly knew she was in a relationship no matter what his intentions first were (rather it is PR or not). The Bali trip took place right after the band finished a big headlining tour, where the original plan was according to the boys, move to LA (where Calum and Ashton share a place & Michael and Luke share a place) but that did not happen. From what we eventually figured out, Luke had moved in with Arz, Cashton moving in together, and then Michael mysteriously living somewhere else. There was a picture Michael posted in January of 2016 of a coffee mug and along with some of his stories, you can see that he was staying at a familiar apartment which ended up being Crystal’s place. So now that we can indicate that this relationship was a mess from the start, let’s continue to their current situation.

Michael is somebody who we used to mock at for always sitting his ass at home playing video games instead of clubbing with his bandmates because he hated that lifestyle but hey! throw Crystal in the picture and *poof*,just like magic, Michael is DJing at multiple clubs with “friends” and “friends of friends”. Michael has mentioned before that he gets social anxiety and sometimes prefers being alone rather than being somewhere crowded but yet, Crystal is dragging him along like one of her dogs to a ridiculous party with her plastic LA friends and people he hardly knows. I really do hope Michael is genuinely happy with this brand new lifestyle and isn’t just doing this for the sake of Ms.Sponsorship. Anybody with eyes can see that since the start of the relationship, e v e r y t h i n g posted by Crystal has to be either promo or a sponsorship. While this probably won’t be a surprise coming from Crystal (since my sis wants to secure her bag) but it’s a shock coming from Michael who’s doing it too now and if you look back at his old posts before Crystal, he has never tagged or mentioned a sponsor in his life. It’s one thing to tag a brand or location, but to tag every single detail on posts and stories is insane. All I’m saying is that nothing in this so called relationship adds up and it honestly looks like one big marketing scheme since literally everything they do is just looks like business (why is every single picture they take together staged and looks so awkward and unnatural? Imagine having a photographer following you around just to “capture the love” its fucking ridiculous LMAO)

One last thing I would like to discuss is the engagement and so-called wedding that everyone keeps bringing up to me. If one of my closest friends that i’d consider a brother gets engaged, I would be over the moon with excitement but yet, not a single one of his bandmates has peeped a word or even congratulated either one of them. The proposal itself is so funny because it took place in Bali, where their supposed affair began, and it was not even paid for by Michael, but by fucking GUESS, the clothing company that only invited Crystal and her friends for a photoshoot LMAOO. Let’s not forget how the Daily Mail somehow got access to every detail about this engagement (from their first song to ring size) and “professional photos” before he even brought it up to the public himself. Now, I don’t know about you guys, but wouldn’t it be nice to actually have the most important people in your life (maybe um like your bandmates or parents?) to be there and witness when you propose to the love of your life and not just some nameless models you met a week ago? The band clearly doesn’t give a shit about Crystal but obviously try to be supportive for the sake of Michael even though they have not once shown an ounce of support in the past 3 or so years they’ve been together. The fact that Michael getting engaged at 23 is just sad and crazy. Don’t get me wrong, it is perfectly fine for anyone to get married anytime after 18 but it’s the matter of should you set yourself up to be tied down at such an early age? Michael has spent every year since the start of his career on his feet and working, not being able to discover himself or live on his own for once. I feel like an older woman who clearly lived our her years as a teen and her entire twenties is capable of settling down but not a 23 year old man who hasn’t truly found himself yet and I feel like he’s trying to convince himself that he is happy even though his face says otherwise. At the end of the day, if Ms. Promotion wasn’t a piece of shit and Michael at least looked like he had an ounce of happiness in him, I would support the shit out of this couple and maybe even throw rice myself at their wedding (that might not even happen since Michael never brings it up and doesn’t even fucking know the year he wants to tie the knot LMAOO)

Anyways, long read I know but this can probably answer all the asks I have about my opinion on Mystal and the non-existant wedding that will take place in the year 20whofuckingknows

#5sos #michael clifford #luke hemmings #muke #ashton irwin #calum hood #mystal #crystal #wedding

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youtubethewhatnow · 6 years ago

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Dancing with our hands tied- David Dobrik

“We have to keep this secret David I’m serious” you whispered to David, a soft “uh huh”’escaping his lips as he kissed you with a fervor. Holding your face in his hands, keeping you closer and closer which made you feel like could be devoured by him at any moment. David not caring about you getting caught by your friends, knowing Corinna wouldn’t approve of what was going on between the two of you.

Corinna and you agreeing after going through awful relationships, you both wouldn’t date anymore until you knew you were ready. You were only friends with Corinna for the longest time, her only introducing you to the infamous Vlog squad recently. All of you clicking instantly, this causing Corinna to get tons of jokes about her keeping you from them because they’d steal you away. Everyone accepting you when you showed them how nice and accepting you were of them, but you instantly clicked with David the most. You also may have formed a small infatuation with the Slovakian Vernon Hills boy at first sight, which helped a lot.

Making you wonder where he really was all your life because you really got along with him so easily, it was insane to you. The problem was of how well you got along with him, that’s how you ended up here in David’s arms a year later and hiding from your friends. It was really only Corinna because that pact meant a ton to you, especially on Corinna’s part, but she was trying for you. You wanted to at least try for her, but it was getting harder and harder with David being involved. Soon you pushed the boy kissing you back, your chest moving up and down rapidly but that couldn’t compare to how much your heart was racing at that moment.

“Hey why’d you stop? I was really enjoying that” David remarked before leaning back in to kiss you again, shocked when you moved out of his way again in order to get lost in thoughts that were really only David. “I stopped because we shouldn’t even be doing this, I told you about Corinna and I’s pact” you argued back, not giving into him like he was used to.

He rolled his eyes before letting you step away from him, letting you sit on his bed before Natalie came in to see the two of you. “Hey David could you come with me for a second, there’s something I need your help with for Zane’s surprise. Also hi (Y/N)!” Natalie asked David and greeted you. Waving before ushering David our and leaving you to fall back into the bed, thinking about what just happened.

“(Y/N) aka little cub number two, what’s up?” Josh Peck greeted you as he stood in the doorway of David’s room while you thought about Corinna. You could easily talk to her about this whole situation and figure things out, she was pretty understanding. Yet you knew that if you started dating, she’d end up with some douche like Logan Paul again and you couldn’t have that happen.

“Hey Josh, just thinking about life. Totally fun and I definitely don’t want to die or anything” you joked to Josh, happy he got your sense of humor. You would have never made that joke in front of someone you just met, but this was Josh. Other than David and Corinna, you were surprisingly close to him and you you guys would talk whenever you could. “So I mean you’re Scotty on a scale of how you’re doing? Great okay so really what’s up? You’re over here a lot more” Josh pointed out to you.

He was completely right in saying you were over David’s more, ever since two weeks ago when you first kissed you had this need to be around David. He never minded because he seriously hated being alone, making things worse for the both of you at this point. “Yeah I mean it’s definitely fun to hang out here, there’s always something going on” You talked, slightly alluding to you and David without being obvious about it.

“That is true so do you want to do a Mukbang with David and I? We’re doing pasta night and I know you love pasta, come join us” Josh invited you, naturally you agreeing. You both walked out into the living room where Natalie was talking on the phone while David looked at her expectantly. “Whoa are we interrupting something?” Josh asked, causing David and Natalie to look at the two of you. Natalie soon going back to her conversation on the phone and David make space at his table.

“No you guys aren’t interrupting anything, we’re just talking to this brand who basically want to sponsor me. It’s just that they said they would pay money but now they changed it saying that it’d be a fair trade for them to get promoted and us their product. Which is total bullshit if you ask me” David slightly ranted. Josh smiling at David before telling him to sit because he had something to cheer him up, you sitting down next to David. Josh going to the door since he got a notification that Postmates were at David’s door.

“Hey can we talk later?” David asked you before Josh could sit down, nodding your head at him before food was set before you. “Let me just set up the- wait I need to get my camera shit one second I left it in David’s room!” Josh yelled before running back to David’s room. David looking at you before smiling and connecting your pinkies together, kissing your cheek when he noticed Natalie was turned around. A satisfied smile formed on his lips before he pulled back, just in time for Josh to come back out with his camera.

“Little cub, I know you love Olive Garden, but so does little cub number two over here. So she’s joining us today for our Olive Garden Mukbang” Josh explained for the camera once it was all set up and the camera was rolling. David and you looking at all the food you were about to eat, hungry and excited about everything in front of you guys.

“So can I just say before we start this whole thing that it’s (Y/N)’s first mukbang ever. You’ve known us for more than a year now, why is this just starting now?” Josh joked with you as you picked up chicken Alfredo on the table. You just shrugged your shoulders as you started to eat, laughing at David as he already ate way more than you.

“Let her be Josh, we can’t scare her away already” David joked before pulling you in and letting you rest your head on his shoulder while he smiled down at you. “Well this is cute” Josh commented before giving the two of you a look which meant ‘I’m definitely asking you guys about this’ in a little bit. You rolled your eyes at Josh’s insinuation before picking your head off David’s shoulder and picked up a bread stick.

“So are you guys two- Well you know...” Josh asked bluntly as he picked up more food to eat, giving his full attention to the two of you. You soon turned to David who just sighed before looking at Josh with annoyed look, people have been talking about the two of you recently too. This causing a strain on your relationship that just didn’t need to be there, not when the both of you were carefree and wanted to take things slow.

“No we aren’t but guys and girls can be friends which is what we are, friends” David explained as you nodded your head to agree with what David was saying. Soon you all finished off the Mukbang and questions for each other, David and you both soon headed back to David’s room in order to sleep mainly.

“You think we’re going to get one of those David Dobrik flirts with (Y/N) videos when Josh posts that?” You asked David who smiled at you before saying a small “probably”. Soon the both of you falling into bed together, David immediately wrapping his arms around you in order to get you as close as possible. “That’ll be fun honestly I love those videos” You say out loud, hoping that David would at least somewhat agree since you really wanted to see what he would say about your relationship.

“I feel like it’s a different story when it’s us, it always has been” David replied before playing with your hands like they were the most interesting thing in the world. A small smile played on his lips before he leaned in and gave your hand soft kisses, slowly making their way up your arm before getting to the base of your throat. “I wish everyone was gone, this could be more fun” You joked before David pulled back with eyebrows raised and a mischievous smirk playing on his face.

“You know I can do that right now, that’s no problem to me just say the words” David tempted you, making you wish that you guys were alone at that moment. You pulled back to think, just in time for Joe and Jeff to walk into David’s room which meant they were probably there to annoy David. “(Y/N) it’s nice to see you but what are you doing in here with David in bed?” Joe asked while Jeff gave the both of you an interesting look.

“We are relaxing after the mukbang, fuck off, not all of us can stomach giant amounts of food and be fine after” David defended you as he gave his full attention to his friends. “Well (Y/N) do you want to join me for my video, Jeff and I are going for a ride” Joe asked, only to be met with a groan from David. Jeff soon smirking before slowly scooping you up out of the warmth David provided, the smirk still present on his face.

“Well since (Y/N) leaving David annoys him so much we are definitely taking her, see you David” Jeff stated before carrying you out of David’s room, yells from David could be heard from his room. Demanding you to come back to his room and Jeff to put you back so you could get some rest, Jeff just laughing before taking you out of the house. “Sorry about that (Y/N) but now you are definitely joining us” Jeff stated before opening the door to his car.

“I honestly don’t mind, just ask first next time and I’m down” You informed Jeff before getting into the car with the two of them following behind you. “So we’re just doing some errands but also can I ask about you and David? You guys look pretty cozy in there” Joe stated as he turned to look back at you. “Here’s the tea” you paused before continuing with a “it’s none of your business” and sitting back in the chair.

“I forgot how feisty you were (Y/N) but then again you’re always with David so no one really knows how you are” Jeff joked with you making you fake offended. “So you kidnap me?” You joke back to make Jeff shush you silently, parallel parking on the street before all of you got out to a juice shop close to David’s.

“I can’t get arrested again, it’s not kidnapping you but more getting you away from David” Jeff joked before pulling open the door, all three of you soon walking in. You rolled your eyes at this comment before all three of you ordered and sat at a table while you all waited for your juices.Time slowly passing as the three of you waited an unusual amount of time for even what it seemed like for pressed Juice. “Wait let me text David to see if any of them at the house want anything” You suggest before sending out a short text.

You: Hey did you want anything, we’re at some pressed juice place near your house

Davey: No but I’ll ask Natalie and Josh if they want anything

Davey: They said no but thanks (Y/N), come back soon

You: On it

“They all said no but oh Jeff the girl called out your name” You told Jeff before he went up when you heard yelling and soon David came out and shot Jeff with a paintball gun. “What the fuck! How did you even find us?” Jeff asked David before he looked at you and then to Joe, Joe laughing slightly before he revealed it was him.

“Joe what the fuck I thought we were friends, is that why it took so long for our drinks to get here?” Jeff asked before the cashier nodded her head, showing the $100 David probably paid her. David slowly pulling out the paintball gun to aim at Joe when he pulled you in front of him, David slowly lowering the gun. “Nice move Joe I’ll get you later, I’ll get you later but Jeff that’s what you get for stealing (Y/N) away from me. Stay in your lane bitch” David yelled at Jeff.

“Anyways, I’m going to leave with David before Jeff gets shot again. Come on Dobrik” You pulled David away leading the both of you out of the shop. Both of you were about to get away when David soon shot Joe and leading the two of you outside. David looking at the footage he just got for his vlog, happy with the results while you laughed at the weird boy you definitely liked.

Both of you soon getting back to David’s hand in hand, David leading you inside of his house. You opened the door to see Corinna waiting for you. “Hey (Y/N) haven’t seen you,only my best friend, in about a week. Let’s talk, you too Dobrik”

#david dobrik #david dobrik imagine #david dobrik blurb #vlog squad

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scaredofrobots · 7 years ago

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THE SOCIETY

based on @kittykitpanda headcanon My friends @elanev91 @beks21 and @levins18 and @petalstofish are BULLIES. THEY BULLY ME

I was gonna post as a “HAPPY 45 DAYS UNTIL CHRIMA” tomorrow but know you nerds love Taylor more than me

ON FFN

Living life without regrets was generally easy for James Potter. Mistakes, he would make and try to fix- but regrets were generally avoided and not something he would allow himself to have.

That was until Sixth Year Potions. James Potter believed he would regret being late to the first day of Advanced Potions for the rest of his life.

When he arrived only two minutes before class started, he was surprised to see Sirius Black sitting with Lily Evans. When he took the seat next to Remus he didn’t even have to ask for an explanation, “Sirius has decided that NEW MATE LILY EVANS should not be subjected to partner with ‘that foul racist greasy headed git’ so he has taken it upon himself to be Lily’s potions partner, and don’t even ask- I lost rock paper scissors for it as me. And then since you weren’t here and he knew you’d be pissed I had to do another round,” here Remus did his Sirius impression- which was basically just him yelling, “as James- he always does rock first Remus so I’m Evans’ partner”

Before James could protest or approach Sirius and demand a rock paper scissors redo, Professor Slughorn entered the room and started class.

Sixth Year was apparently going to be the worst, they were brewing some complicated ass potion that even Remus didn’t understand. They spent the entire class muttering “what the fuck is a dingle berry?” or “wait- we were supposed to stir it how many times?” and “shit- I didn’t even see that ingredient back there.”

While James and Remus were dying a slow and painful death, Lily and Sirius seemed to be having the time of their lives. They were fucking laughing and leisurely working on the potion as if it were the easiest thing in the world and that brewing this fucking potion was actually enjoyable.

At the end of class when Slughorn was gathering their vials, he remarked “Ahh...Ms. Evans, Mr. Black- you’ve brewed a perfect potion and earned yourself a break from homework.”

When he and Remus were assigned an extra foot of parchment, James found himself cursing the extra piece of bacon he ate at breakfast that made him late.

As they headed back to their common room for a free period, Lily caught up with him.

“Tough luck, Potter,” Lily sympathized as she linked arms with him. Despite his scowl, his heart sped up a little bit.

“That's alright Evans, I’ll be sure to be on time and then we can be partners,” he smiled back to her.

“NOPE,” Sirius exclaimed, as he came between them and dropped his arms over their shoulders, “The early Marauder gets the worm and in the case of potions Evans is the best worm there is and I intend to keep her.”

“First of all,” Lily started, “I am not a worm- but I am stuck with Sirius because Slughorn said we’d be partners with whoever we matched with today for the rest of this term. Secondly, I’ve told you calling yourself The Marauders is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. It won’t ever catch on and you just seem like a bunch of weirdos who named your friend group for no discernible reason.”

“IT IS NOT STUPID!!!” all of the boys responded loudly and angrily.

“Well, it’s bloody confusing. My mother thought I was involved in gang activity or something when you lot came round to apologize about the O.W.L. incident and told her ‘We are the Marauders and we have important business with your daughter.’”

Lily relented, “I had to explain to her that you were basically 8 year old boys who somehow found your way home from Neverland. But then you all charmed your way into my house and now my mother is planning your Christmas jumpers. ”

“Well, we Marauders are incredibly charming and fit, don’t you know,” Sirius explained.

“Idiots, the lot of you, I don’t know why I waste my time,” Lily exhaled, but her smile was very telling.

Lily and Sirius becoming potions partners began to cause a multitude of problems for James Potter. He had to watch as his best mate became better mates with the girl of his dreams. He had to watch as Sirius kept that ‘that foul racist greasy headed git’ from speaking to Lily. And worst of all he had to watch as Lily and Sirius began to have inside jokes- most of which were at his expense.

One night in mid-October, James returned from quidditch practice to find Lily and Sirius inexplicably sitting in the common room wearing matching Christmas pajamas. If this wasn’t bizarre enough, Sirius had his head in Lily’s lap and he was instructing her on how to “do a proper French braid.”

James sat down across from them and was completely ignored until Lily said “ok- now switch.”

As they switched places and Sirius began to braid Lily’s hair, James was greeted with Lily’s smile and a “How was Quidditch, Potter?”

James ranted about his team and Lily gave some advice on “people management” and “leadership.” They chatted happily for the better part of an hour. Sirius was focused on braiding Lily’s hair into a series of complicated overlapping and intertwined knots.

As Sirius finished his masterpiece he cleared his throat and declared “You know Evans, I believe that your hair is as Beautiful as Life Itself, and as a man who also has hair that is as Beautiful as Life Itself- we should start a society.”

James knew that this wasn’t going to end well when Lily turned around to Sirius, grinning, and responded, “I’ve been thinking the same thing. Naturally we need to create requirements. Like length, quality of shine and of course-” she turned to James and grinned, “-neatness. Can’t have messy hair in our society.”

James started, “Oh for fucks sake-”

But Sirius stopped him “She’s right, James. I’m calling our first meeting to order and since you do not meet the requirements for membership, you have to leave”

“Right, right. Anyway Lily, back to what I was-” James started again but was once again interrupted, this time by Lily, “Sorry Potter, Sirius is right. We have to work out these details. I’m sure you’re tired from Quidditch and you still stink. I’ll talk to you at breakfast- yeah?”

Grumbling to himself, James retreated to his dorm.

Lily Evans did not speak to James Potter at breakfast. In fact she and Sirius were missing all morning.

When James arrived at the potions classroom (10 minutes early thankyouverymuch) he discovered where his alleged mates Sirius and Lily had gotten to. He stood out of sight and eavesdropped.

“Thank you so much for sponsoring this society professor,” Lily cooed in a disgustingly sweet voice, “we think it will really help boost student confidence and inter-House unity”

“Yes,” Sirius added in his lawyer voice, “and shouldn’t the beautiful people of this school get the recognition they deserve?”

“Yes, yes of course,” Slughorn pontificated loudly, “I am very honored that you invited me to sponsor it. It is a shame you never got to see my hair that was so beautiful when I was younger but I am honored with the honorary membership. Your bylaws and membership all seem to be in order so I am happy to sign and forward to the headmaster. Now I’ll just take this paperwork and this pineapple and will be right back to start class.”

As soon as Slughorn’s retreated into his office, James witnessed Lily and Sirius do the most ridiculous victory dance.

Entering the room James stated, “I can’t believe you’ve made an official club.”

“SOCIETY!” was yelled back at him

“Alright alright society,” James acknowledged, “and because I know you need five members to make if official- I’ll join”

He was met with laughter.

“Sorry to break your heart James, but Lily here already found three other members,” Sirius announced proudly, “and mate, we told you last night you don’t meet the qualifications.”

Scoffing, James asked, “Who?”

“Membership is confidential,” Lily explained and patted James sympathetically on the shoulder.

Potions that day was the absofuckinglutelyworst shit James had ever endured.

Again, they had to use dingle berries and he swore the instructions kept changing.

“Seriously Remus, what the fuck are those?” James wailed as their potion turned blue and not ‘a pleasing shade of yellow’ that they were going for.

But Professor Slughorn was besotted with Lily and Sirius the entire class. Lily and Sirius’ potion was one shade of yellow lighter than James and was pronounced “More Beautiful Than Life Itself”

James was seriously considering just how terrible Azkaban might be for a double murder by lunch.

Her wrote to his mum for advice a week later when he discovered that REMUS FUCKING LUPIN was one of the Fabulous Original Five. James had only discovered this piece of information while looking for the fucking map in Sirius’ damn nest of a bed that was covered in parchment, scraps of bacon, dirty socks and jumpers James had never seen.

While James was sifting through the garbage to find the map he stumbled upon an folder written in Lily’s hand labeled:

Official Hogwarts Society for Witches and Wizards with Hair as Beautiful as Life Itself Official TOP SECRET Business

Naturally, he opened the folder and began to peruse the documents.

He passed by the 23 page long bylaws and found the membership page.

On it was written

We the members of the Hogwarts Society for Witches and Wizards with Hair as Beautiful as Life Itself Hereby Solemnly Swear to never reveal our membership to anyone (especially James Fleamont Potter) 1.Sirius Black 2.Lily Evans 3. Thomas Gunn 4.Katie George 5. Remus Lupin

REMUS LUPIN.

His mate. His best mate who had laughed about the stupid hair society was a member and a dirty dity liar. James hated all of his friends. So he did what any only child would do. He wrote to his mother to complain about his fucking traitor mates.

His mum, however was no help.

James,

It sounds like Sirius and Lily are just trying to irritate you. Just ignore them.

You do have fabulous hair, dear. It's just not as fabulous as Sirius’. I’ve never seen Lily’s but if it is half as fabulous as you’ve made it sound- I don’t blame them for excluding you.

Focus on something else.

Love,

Mum

Ignoring THE SOCIETY was easier said than done. The five members had grown to 25 by January and the anonymity thing apparently had gone out the window. James had bit his tongue about every single member, but when he overheard Nigel Fucking Babbington asking Thomas Gunn about the next SOCIETY MEETING, he lost it.

He ran into the boys dormitory and raged, “NIGEL CLIVE BABBINGTON, SIRIUS?!?! His hair is decent at best”

“It's the beard, mate,” Sirius lazily responded.

Somehow, James made it to April without killing Lily or Sirius or any other members of THE SOCIETY.

The only upside to Lily and Sirius starting THE SOCIETY was that it meant Lily was around a lot more. Whenever she and Sirius weren’t whispering on corners and giggling- she was having actual meaningful conversations with James.

Lily had even started accompanying James to quidditch practice and keeping stats for him. James learned she was absolutely mad about sports and he was intrigued by football, which Lily described in great detail and told him “I’ll take you to a match over the summer”.

The prospect of spending time alone with Lily over the summer kept him in a good mood for a week.

That was until on April 15th, he was awoken by Lily Evans bursting into their dorm and announcing, “SIRIUS GET UP YOU’RE LATE!”

There was much commotion and grumbling as Sirius quickly jumped out of bed and pulled on his shoes “Sorry Lily! I forgot to set my alarm”

“Forgot? This is official and important society business!” Lily was saying and holding up a massive wig

“Fuck Evans, The Sun Isn’t Even Up!” James complained

“I KNOW JAMES. That is the point. Sirius. If I get pulled into the fucking Great Lake again trying to induct Goofy-” Lily was raging

“Goofy?” James asked

“THE SQUID,” was the chorus reply

“You’re inducting the squid?” James asked and sat up

“YES- PAY ATTENTION. We had to name him so we could write his name on the roster. Sirius thought SUNSET was the most docile time for squids but it is SUNRISE and he needs to get his ass out of the door so we can get this done.

“WHAT A FUCKINMINUTE” James yelled, “I have been trying to ignore this fuckery and these shenanigans attached to THE SOCIETY since it began but this is the final straw. THE SQUID?!? FIRST OF ALL- IT IS BALD! IT IS NOT A MAMMAL! IT DOESN’T HAVE A BELLYBUTTON OR HAIR?!? HOW CAN YOU PUT THE FUCKIN SQUID IN THE CLUB-”

“SOCIETY” Lily and Sirius roared

“FUCK! I don't understand how you can induct a squid but not your best mate?” Jame finished totally exasperated

Offended, Lily explained, “We are giving Goofy a wig. And honestly, he’s been looking a little down in the dumps lately so we thought giving him hair and including him would boost his spirits. Now come on Sirius we are late!”

James watched, horrified and totally depressed as Lily and Sirius excited the dorm and Sirius said simply “Later mate.”

As James tried to go back to sleep he heard Remus say quietly “I fucking hate you all” and Peter’s response “I’m moving out tomorrow.”

As was his custom when he was upset, James ignored Sirius and Lily for two weeks. They didn’t seem to fucking notice though because they were too busy plotting something else that had to do with THE SOCIETY. He was sure he had seen them hiding invitations from him and all manner of decorations and trinkets.

When their probation period was over, James sat next to Lily at breakfast. “Ah, speaking to me again are we?” she implored as she handed him the bacon.

“Yes,” James responded, “your two weeks is up.”

“You are the most dramatic person in my life James Potter. And I say this as someone who is currently co president of a society with Sirius Black,” Lily started

“Please don’t bring up your rubbish cl-society with me, alright?” James pleaded

Rolling her eyes Lily changed subjects “Fine. I really want to yell at you about how Palmer needs to get his act together on the Quidditch Pitch anyway”

For the rest of the term, Lily and Sirius carefully avoided bringing up THE SOCIETY around James.

That was until after the final presummer postseason quidditch practice. As Lily was helping James put away the equipment she casually asked him, “So I know I’m not supposed to bring up THE SOCIETY around you but, well Sirius has planned this mad end of year gala with Slughorn’s help and it’s invitation only. I was wondering if you’d maybe like to go? With me? If not I mean I know you think its stupid but I thought-” she trailed off.

James’ mind was reeling. Holy fucking shit this was it. This was finally it. Lily Evans was finally fucking asking him. He’d been waiting so long and had been so patient.

He was finally getting invited into THE SOCIETY and he was going to be inducted at the end of the year gala!

“YES!” James said, a little too excitedly and then amended, “I mean sounds fun, what should I wear?”

Grinning, Lily started to explain the finer points of the semi formal gala and how she was excited because Slughorn had even managed to get permission to serve wine at the event.

They chatted happily on the walk back to the tower and James made a mental note to write to his dad to ask for some of that new potion so he’d look nice for his induction.

The night of THE GALA, James carefully styled his hair into a pompadour and finished I️t off with 4 sprays of THE NEW SLEEKEAZY’S LUCIOUS LOCKS SPRAY. He felt that his hair, did in fact look more fabulous than life itself. Until he entered the dorm room and was accosted by Sirius demanding, “What the fuck have you done to your hair?”

“I wanted to look nice for my induction tonight Sirius fuck off,” James explained

“Excuse me your WHAT?” Sirius asked as he narrowed his eyes

“Lily invited me to the gala tonight to join THE SOCIETY” James said, barely containing his excitement

“THE FUCK SHE DID. EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO YELL AT MY CO-PRESIDENT!” Sirius exclaimed as he walked out of the door

20 minutes later, James was finishing getting ready and making sure his robes looked neat and pressed when Sirius entered again looking a little stunned.

“Mate, you need to sit down for this” Sirius said grimly

“Oh shuttup Sirius you can’t veto it or some shit like that Evans asked me,” James responded irritably.

“Yes,” Sirius pronounced, “Lily Evans did ask you to go to the gala tonight. But not to be inducted. NAY-” and this he emphasized by putting his hand on his heart, “LILY EVANS ASKED YOU TO THE GALA AS HER DATE BECAUSE SHE FANCIES YOU.”

James sat down.

His heart was racing.

He couldn’t breathe

Trying to process James stated, “She….Lily….Lily Evans asked me on a date? And I said yes? And I didn’t even know it was a date...I….I…..”

“You’re really fucking thick sometimes James. I mean she’s been after you all spring. Following you around, going to quidditch. She told me she figured you were scared or something so she asked you.” Sirius explained to him slowly like a child

James was still panicking “She…..she…...she….I…..a date? But…..and the hair…..and”

“Oh for fucks sake,” Sirius said and vanished

Two minutes later James was still trying to process this when Lily Evans herself entered the dorm she stopped short and exclaimed, “What the fuck did you do to your hair James?”

“I ….thought….induction...loook…..nice….not….date” James tried to explain and failed

Pinching the bridge of her nose Lily exhaled “God Bless……”

She suddenly stood up straight,, crossed over to him and kissed him.

Stunend, James didn't react but simply stared at her when she pulled away.

“Look James Potter. I fancy you. You’re going to get your hair out of that ridiculous pompadour. Get your shit together and then come down stairs and charm the shit out of me with some idiotic compliment. Then, we will go to the party. If you’re lucky, we’ll sneak a bottle of wine out and go snog behind some tapestry. You’ve got 15 minutes so please try to be on time,” her final orders given Lily swept from the room.

James had never been as prompt as he was that evening. 14 minutes later, he met Lily in the common and did in fact “charm the shit out of her”. They went to THE GALA and Lily acted as if the pep talk in the dormitory hadn’t ever happened.

Later, behind the tapestry while she was running a hand through his hair Lily told him “You know, your hair is as beautiful as life itself. We were wrong”

#robots writes #the minor character society #cigarettes for fanfics #petals is moving and Ima gonna distract her #GOD BLESS #jily fanfiction #jily fic #jily

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hwdevlin · 5 years ago

Text

Pieces of Silver

The old storekeeper kept a lot of cash on him because he didn't like people knowing his business. His mother, long dead, had always told him that aside from the old priest, Father Fahey, there were very few people you could trust to keep your secrets. Doctors and their nurses were supposed to keep everything to themselves but when the doctors had drinks at parties or the nurses went to the bars on weekends everyone's information tended to become public. If you couldn't trust a doctor, then bankers were even worse. It wasn't that he didn't have some bank accounts. He opened one account locally and one account in Jacksonville, a place where meager funds like his would never be noticed. His family had owned nearly the whole block on the edge of town since the days of Chief Shik Shak. Little by little they had sold off sections, but the place where he built his home and kept his little country store was still the size of a football field. Tiny outbuildings dotted the landscape, some crumbling and termite infested while others he kept in decent condition, repairing them as necessary to keep their ancient contents well-preserved. The rest of the ground was a mixture of a plush lawn and prairie grasses where he cultivated certain beloved plants like purple coneflower and Queen Anne's Lace. The store had four levels. a basement where he still kept antique canned goods in gleaming jars, the main floor where he had shelves of grocery items, from aspirins to ziplock bags, a small butcher shop, and a little room where he sold cold drinks. The third floor had tall ceilings and was wide open. A large flue ran right through the center and was connected to a series of wood-burning stoves that in the winter burned warm and red with locally harvested oak and hard maple. On winter nights and on breezy summer evenings he was joined on the third floor by his old friends, Macawber, the farmer, Harden, a local mechanic and Mr. Galantine, who taught English at the local high school. They had all graduated together from red brick school that still sat on the top of Founder's Hill and whose imperturbable face meditated on the community below with a somber satisfaction. Each morning during the school year, Mr. Galatine would stop not far from the entrance and sigh, recalling his own years spent gazing out the windows of his own English teacher's class, wondering what was perched on the horizon beyond the empty fields at the edge of his vision, and whether he would end up there someday. Most nights their conversations turned on local gossip, politics and general items that occupied their lives. Some nights they simply drank whiskey quietly from the heavy glasses the storekeeper kept in a small cabinet on the wall, while Galantine read them items from the local paper or turned on his little tablet and read items of interest from FB posts made by shared friends. Galantine was the only one among them who took advantage of modern technologies. The rest of them, out of some grudging desire to be different, said they believed such technologies were at the core of society's problems, though they eagerly listened and discussed the items Galantine read. On this particular evening, there was a blood orange moon that made them shiver as it hovered in the third-floor window. It seemed to fill the room, an easy segue into the evening's discussions. "Look at the size of that moon," said the old farmer. "A good night for crazy." "As if the crazies need any encouragement," said Harden. "Jack said he was going to tie one on tonight." Jack was Harden's extra mechanic. He spent his days like many of his friends: nursing a hangover and a hope that he would do better the next night. He was a good mechanic who had a knack for knowing what was wrong with a vehicle after the first few minutes of analysis, even the newer ones, the ones with the complex computer chips and components the companies made purposely hard to reach so the owner could only get them repaired by the more costly company-sponsored repair shops. Harden had invested in him, believing that the working folk around the county would much rather pay local prices than the inflated costs in the city. And he was right. Jack had a loyal following, young and established citizens, who helped make Harden's business one of the most successful for a hundred miles. But Jack was rough around the edges, too. A couple times a year, Harden would have to bail him out of the county jail because he had refused to leave a bar at closing time or had mouthed off to a local police officer who had pulled him over for DUI or for driving on revoked. He'd long ago lost his legal driving privileges, but because he was a native and because even the local police agencies came to him for repairs, he was usually given a pass and followed home, or thrown into jail to let him sleep it off. He wasn't married and most women had learned their lesson with him, leaving him embittered and obnoxious when he had too much to drink, which was often. "Oh, this is a moon for Jack," said the storekeeper, holding the glass of the deep amber liquor in front of him as he contemplated a sip. "Thank God he can't swallow such a moon. It's bad enough hanging over his head." They all smiled and seemed pleased with the storekeeper's assessment. They drank from their glasses in silence. Macawber was the first to finish. He smacked his lips, savoring the sweet woody flavor as it lingered on the pocket of his tongue. He set his glass beside him on an end table made from old tire rims welded together with an antique Chevy hubcap like a bottle cap turned upside down for the top. "New York shooter expressed hatred toward women, made racist comments," Galantine read from a local headline. There had been a mass shooting in New York state, not in the city itself, but in a small borough, a town barely larger than Grand Place, but still similar. Galantine continued reading. The man who walked into a local beauty salon on the east side of Hampton and began firing randomly, killing at least six women, had a history of making misogynistic statements and engaged in racist rants on both Facebook and Twitter, according to authorities in New York. "I'm not surprised by much anymore," Macawber said quietly, taking his big hand and running it over his shiny bald head. "Life is very cheap, very cheap, and we've raised a couple of generations of children teaching them that the things that are important are the things that cost money." Galantine. whose long blond hair was tied in the back in a bun, smiled broadly and set the paper in his lap. "Oh, I think that's pretty convenient, Macawber," he said, sipping from his drink. "I've worked with these kids, millennials, Gen Xers, and I wouldn't say they all spend their time coveting their neighbor's goods." Harden spit into a coffee tin on the floor beside him. He still liked the Day's Work tobacco his father and grandfather had chewed and he cherished it just as much as he did the heirloom tomatoes in his garden. "No, maybe not," said Harden, bending over and spitting again. "And this guy had some particular issues, like a motor that never got tuned or was allowed to run rough a long time. But, no matter what, there's a lot of anger behind an act like this. No one kills a bunch of people unless they're mad about something." The storekeeper remained silent. His face was broad and brown as an acorn from working out in the sun. He had a neatly shaved crewcut and, even at 60, still had powerful arms with faded tattoos of hearts with knives through them on each bicep. On one forearm was the faded image of a P51 fighter with a blond woman waving from the cockpit. On the nose of the plane was written, Clem. "What do you think, Clem," Galantine, asked, looking up from studying his drink. "You've seen a lot of people come through here over the years. Have people really changed that much or is it just that everything gets published in the media much faster and news reaches farther than it used to?" The old man thought for a minute, even though he seemed to have formulated the answer for himself a long time ago. "It's a little of everything," he said, leaning forward and reaching out to warm his hands by the stove. "Look, there's something to be said for teaching kids that not everything is black and white. But that doesn't mean you teach them there's nothing wrong or right. We've confused them. We've taught them that marriage doesn't work, that your gender is negotiable and that your values are determined by the latest edition of the DSM. "When they look at the world we're leaving them they say Why in the hell would I want to bust my ass for 40 or 50 years behind some desk, only to retire to play golf, travel and then die alone surrounded by disinterested family, even if it is one of the finest quotes assisted living facilities in the world?" They all laughed and sipped their drinks, saying 'you're right, you're right' as they did. Clem got up and walked around the darkening room turning on tall lamps that he had set against the walls. The wood burner was glowing and he could see from a distance the convection waves rising like spirits. It was comforting to have his friends there. The liquor was warming him and the conversation had taken him to a place that was at once familiar but rare. His children were gone. His wife, his ex-wife, he corrected himself, was long gone. This was his tribe. He had washed up on their shore 60 years ago and they had befriended him. Now they were all here at the sunset once again huddling around a fire on the shore. It reminded him of something he had read about the arrogance of man, talking of appliances and cars while behind them their houses burned and their children screamed from open windows. He was here. That was all. And in some province in France, another man or woman, just like him, was engaged in the same ritual, watching the same blood orange moon, drinking the same smoky liquor, questioning the same strange events. "The windows are starting to frost, there, my friend," Harden broke in. A spider web of frost was growing around the edge of the windows. The wind had picked up and now and then the old leaden panes rattled as they were battered. It would be a long, cold night. **************************************************************************************** The two men were released from prison and sent out under a gray canopy of April sky that had been sending a steady silver rain onto the bleak Illinois plains since sunrise. Abe was the older of the two, a savvy con with broad shoulders and forearms like hams. For more than thirty years, since his twentieth birthday, he had navigated the inside of the facility, fending off his share of territorial and sexual attacks without adding one day to his 50-year sentence in a murder-for-hire scheme. It was that stainless record that had led the parole board to release him twenty years early.

Adam, the younger of the two, who stood dripping alongside the older man in the parking lot, had committed an armed robbery at the delicate age of 17; but because he had wounded a cashier in the process, it was considered an aggravated robbery; and, because his public defender was running for State's Attorney and the victim was well-liked in the community, the legal, social and political elements all came together in such a way that it was inevitable that he would go to jail for his first offense. At least, that is what he had come to believe sitting in that gray cell every day, watching evil, good, and indifferent men suffer all the same indignities that he suffered. It was true, he thought, the rain falls on the sinner and the righteous alike.

A long white van pulled through the front gate and stopped in front of the pair.

"Only you two?" asked the guard disinterestedly. "That should make for a nice quiet ride. Get in."

When they left the prison they were hungry, but by the time they got to the halfway house, they were exhausted and starving. The younger man jumped from the van and stood to survey the squat red brick building where he would be living for the next few weeks -- or months -- depending on when he found a job. The older man stepped slowly onto the curb, raindrops catching on his thick beard and freezing there like ice diamonds.

"Let's get some food first, boy," he said, pushing the younger man toward the doorway. By the time they both got signed in, signed their contract that outlined their hours, their obligations and their duties around the house, they were extremely disgruntled because they could smell some kind of food, the scent of which filled the hallways and their nostrils. At last, the night orderly said if they wished to get a hot meal they might still have time, but that if they missed the hot meal, sack lunches or dinners were in the refrigerator. They rushed to the cafeteria and found it was nearly empty, except for two elderly men, maybe employees, they guessed, sitting in the corner. The lunchroom was like most institutional places: spare and smelling of bleach and some kind of pasta casserole. There were rows of long, narrow tables where generations of ex-offenders had written or carved their initials or pontificated in the best language possible about everything from the probability of God's existence to numbers for certain women they knew in previous lives to the names of hated prison guards. The only hot items remaining were goulash and garlic bread and while they were probably dumped into their steam trays out of big cans the size of oil drums, to the two of them it was as fine as any feast they could have gotten in the swankiest joint in Chicago or St. Louis. They each had two large plates of the pasta and no less than 5 slices of the thin pieces of bread sprayed with garlic butter and lightly salted. The sun had gone down and from their seats they could see street lights warming alive, covering the street and the parking lot outside in a creamy, shivery light. When they were finished, they each had a slice of pumpkin pie and a scoop of ice cream and they greedily inhaled several cups of black coffee that was old enough that a thick film stayed on the surface all the way to the bottom of the cup where it dissolved into a puddle of gritty oil. As part of their living arrangements, they were required to find jobs. The halfway house itself had some connections to the business community and some men had skills that could easily translate into work, skills like carpentry or automobile repair or barbering. "Barbering is a great trade for someone who likes to move around a lot or who has trouble with his passions," an old convict from Ohio had told the young man as they worked washing dishes one day. "You'll find a lot of barbers who have problems with booze, just like you'll find a lot of fat fortune tellers." The old man had a couple of children somewhere in the country. After his incarceration, his wife, a squat, stern redheaded woman with a smile like a crocodile, simply kissed him on the cheek and said, "I've met someone else. I'm taking the kids and leaving." He couldn't blame her, really. He had taken the money from a woman with whom he worked at the local nursing home. The woman, the wife of a career Harley rider, was lithe and attractive with pallid blue eyes and tiny lips that were always shiny with some sort of gloss lip treatment. She had encouraged his interest by confiding in him each day the treatment she suffered at the hands of the "biker." The old man had met him only once when he came by to pick her up from work. The husband was bandy-legged with big thick arms covered in thick hair with tattoos hiding in the forests. Each morning they woke and showered before getting in line for breakfast. Stainless steel canisters of steaming coffee stood like silver silos along the wall and were nearly empty by mid-morning. Later, the cons without regular work gathered at the back of the complex to smoke and tell stories about prison or life before prison. These were always embellished tales made to make the author sound well-heeled in the ways of deceit, physical daring, and criminal enterprise. Sometimes they talked about how things would be if they could just get enough money to 'get on their feet', meaning enough money to get them a place to live until they could figure out a new scheme. For most of them, success was always just around the corner, over the next rise, under the shining overpass. "There's really only three ways to do this," Abe said, one afternoon watching a gulp of swallows ascend like a cloud of gray smoke. "You either inherit lots of money, ask for help or help yourself."

#fate faith chance heartofman dystopia

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ofstagsanddoes · 8 years ago

Note

celebrity au in which they have a very very public rivalry which involves twitter rants, fandom wars, tabloid articles stirring etc. until they're photographed holding hands and the internet has a meltdown

Okay so literally months ago (I’m awful), I was challenged with this prompt for the @jilychallenge coordinated by @hmionegrangr and my partner was @lamelylimes (who wrote me this glorious piece you can check out here). Needless to say, college work got away from me and I didn’t finish the piece on time BUT I did promise to finish it, so finish it I did. (Albeit very, very late. I hope you enjoy it).

October 17th was the day they officially broke the Internet.

To be fair, the rivalry had started out as just that- a rivalry. She was competitive, and he was arrogant and that had lead to a fair amount of interweb war mongering.

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial Wow. I just love when I’ve beaten @quidditchjames’ offensive record but women still get paid half as much as men.

James Potter @quidditchjames wow i just love when my records are beat by flukes

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial Numbers don’t lie, babe.

James Potter @quidditchjames listen. we’re gonna play a match against each other and then we’ll see who’s the real record holder

James Potter @quidditchjames we’ll even do it for charity- all proceeds going to @witchesandwizardsforequality

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial It’s on like Donkey Kong.

James Potter @quidditchjames i’m going to pretend i got that reference

And so it was determined; the match would be played and the rivalry would be settled. But of course that wasn’t the end of it.

THE DAILY PROPHET GABS, GOSSIP, AND GLAMOUR: STARS BANTER LEADS TO CHARITY MATCH

19/10/1979

Has James Potter waved his wand over the wrong spellbook?

The nineteen year old player for Puddlemere United has had a long time rivalry with fellow chaser Lily Evans of the Wimbourne Wasps. Interestingly, the two played together during their time at Hogwarts; Evans started the sport in her seventh year, with Potter (captain at the time) teaching her the ropes. The boy, like most of the world, wasn’t expecting what was in store for Evans, however, as she came out of nowhere to score a spot on one of the most competitive teams in the nation. Evans has gone on to become one of the best players in the sport, inciting a rivalry between the two former teammates.

Recently, the teen broke Potter’s offensive record, sparking a debate on Twitter between the two about who was the better player. The pair also discussed how women Quidditch players are often payed less than their male counter parts despite, as this new record proves, their comparable skill level. This led to the two starlets deciding to play a charity match where the proceeds will go towards Witches and Wizards for Equality- a foundation which promotes the equal pay of all genders.

The Twitter banter has lead many to speculate on the two’s romantic prospects- could we be witnessing a super couple in the making? The pair doesn’t seem to think so, however, as seen in Evans’ tweet from Tuesday:

Jacob Throne @jakeythrone @lilyevansofficial behind all this banter are we seeing a romance budding between you and @quidditchjames?

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial @jakeythrone I wouldn’t keep your hopes up, buttercup.

IQBS.COM: INTERNATIONAL QUIDDITCH BROADCASTING STATION LIVE STREAMING AND ONLINE ANNOUNCER TRANSCRIPT

Marcie Bendenberg: Well, Wendy, this isn’t something you see every day.

Wendy Lawrence: No, Marcie, it certainly isn’t, and that’s why so many members of the wizarding community have tuned in to watch today’s matchup between two of Quidditch’s hottest young chasers, Lily Evans of the Wimbourne Wasps and James Potter of Puddlemere United.

M: Yes, the two actually got in an argument on Twitter over who was the better player and agreed to play a match to settle it once and for all. All proceeds sold from tickets are to go charity, and it looks as though we’ve got a sold out crowd here.

W: It’ll certainly be an interesting match to watch, and for our viewers at home it’s important to note that this will not be a regular game of Quidditch. Instead, the pair will play each other one on one for five minutes, seeing who can score the most goals within that time period. What do you think of this matchup, Marcie?

M: Well, you know that I’ve always been an Evans fan- she’s a straight, no nonsense type of player that get’s the job done, but I will say that she’s got her work cut out for her. They both have that drive, that same innate level of talent, (and I think we can both agree the same competitive edge), but Potter plays with a sparkle that’s unparalleled in the sport as of now and that could bite Evans in the butt.

W: Then again, where he’s flashy she’s blunt and to the point, and I think that is oftentimes more effective.

M: Very true as well, I suppose we’re soon to see how it all plays out as the pair takes the field.

W: I’d like to take a moment to thank our sponsors for this match: Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion: “Two drops tames even the most bothersome barnet.” Sparkbucks: “The only way Wizards drink coffee.” and our charity for this event, Witches and Wizards for Equality.

M: Let’s play some Quidditch!

W: And, right off the bat Potter has the quaffle and is streaking towards the goal but…oh, that had to hurt, Evans knocks him hard in the shoulder and he drops the ball into her waiting hands.

M: And you know, she’s able to push him around so much in the air not because she is heavier than him, but because of the broom Potter flies on. Although the Nimbus Three Sixty is an exceptionally fast broom, it is lacking in the defensive departments. On her Comet 1000, Evans has a greater balance of speed and power, and this evens up the playing field greatly.

W: We’re seeing a lot of back and forth here, neither making much progress towards either set of hoops. Is this what you expected?

M: Honestly, we’re seeing some great Quidditch right here. You get this matchup between two of the best players in the nation and of course you’re going to have some what of a standstill. Now, eventually that standstill will break and-

W: Evans gets out of the tussle and heads towards those golden hoops. She chucks the quaffle towards the right one and…SCORES! Evans-10 Potter-0

M: Uh oh, though. It seems as if this has ignited a fire under Potter; he’s playing with more vigor than before!

W: Yes, this is definitely the player we’re used to seeing. Showy, but singleminded. He and Evans are diving and weaving around each other now, and it almost seems as though they’re…yelling at each other instead of playing Quidditch. That’s a new one.

M: Certainly. Especially as the clock shows that there are only sixty seconds left in the match; Potter needs to score!

W: Oh! But instead it is Evans who emerges from the altercation with the quaffle! And she’s racing towards the goal posts, Potter right on her tail. She’s got her work cut out for her, because, yes, Potter’s beaten her there, but will he pick the correct goal post to block? She chucks the quaffle and Potter’s diving and OH!

M: The quaffle careens into Potter’s head, sending him off course and crashing into one of the goal posts. That’s not good. He looks unconscious right now, the Mediwizards are flying onto the field.

W: But the quaffle did go in, and the score stands Evans-20 Potter-0, and this certainly- oh…oh my.

M: That was…unexpected.

W (laughing): Love does come to us in the most surprising of ways, doesn’t it? That’s all from us here at IQBS, we hope you enjoyed the brief commentary of the match. [Still giggling] Signing off for now.

THE DAILY PROPHET GABS, GOSSIP, AND GLAMOUR: YOUNG LOVE ON AND OFF THE PITCH

30/10/1979

On Friday night, all eyes were tuned to James Potter and Lily Evans as they played a Quidditch match to decide the better player. One expected to see a great game between the two exceptional players, which they got. The two young chasers battled so fiercely that only twenty points were scored in the five minute time allotment; both of those shots belonging to Evans.

However, the unexpected part of the evening was not the Qudditch playing itself, but rather the events that transpired afterwards.

During the last shot of the game, a rogue quaffle hit Potter in the head, causing him to crash into one of the goalposts and be knocked unconscious. Evans, instead of pausing to take in her game-winning shot, let out a yell and streaked down to catch Potter in her arms before the Mediwizards were able to get to him. An uncharacteristic show of affection between the two rivals? Perhaps. But even more surprising is what occurred next.

As the Mediwizards lowered him down to the ground and set about examining him, Evans was crying and crying, talking about how she hadn’t meant to hurt him and how he was such an idiot for trying to defend a goal so close to the posts and hadn’t he always told her that was foolish? The Mediwizards got him revived and all, and as soon as that boy opened his eyes Evans planted a big old kiss right on his lips.

Naturally, the internet has blown up at the idea of two such promising stars (and aforementioned rivals) falling in love, but there has been no word from either as Evans travelled with Potter to St. Mungo’s for further examination. With #lilypotter trending now on Twitter, who knew Quidditch could get so saucy?

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial James is fine; he has concussion but is expected to make a full recovery in time for Puddlemere’s next match.

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial He wants everyone to know that he’s grateful for all the well wishes and he loves you all dearly.

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial Also, he concedes that I am once and for all the better player.

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial I’m being forced to reveal that he never said that and never will admit that.

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial (Even though it’s correct.)

Jamie Bowler @jamieb23 @lilyevansofficial WHAT’S UP WITH THE KISS????

Suzy Pemby @suzy.q1 @lilyevansofficial the kiss???? what did it mean???

Marcie Bendenberg @marciebendenberg.official Honestly. We’ve got to know.

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial What can I say.

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial The boy has beautiful lips.

#lily evans #james potter #fanfic #jily #my writing #lamelylimes #jilychallenge #woooot

477 notes · View notes

starreviews · 5 years ago

Text

8:46

WARNING: This documentary is about 9/11, it shows some very emotional scenes and while it doesn’t feature the typical war mongering, it does really have one of the most depressing premises to any documentary I’ve seen (I don’t like watching ones about tragedys though, I’ve mostly just seen those 9/11 documentaries they show in schools)

Initial Impression: Oh… This is about 9/11… I don’t like that… There will probably be a rant at some point in this post.

9/11 Rant: So I really don’t like the culture around 9/11. I grew up in post-9/11 America, and the virulent racism and pro-war attitude that has arisen post has been an absolute nightmare that has drained every inch of empathy by this point. I mean every year we have to have what approximates a state-sponsored celebration in school. And none of this is to say that it wasn’t a tragedy because it was, but Hurricane Katrina was a much worse one and I don’t even know what fucking day that was on because it did nothing to further the political agendas of a bunch of rich assholes in suits. This is all to say if I seem callous in this review it’s because I’m fucking tired of the entirety of 9/11. It wasn’t even the first terrorist attack on American soil or the most deadly.

Rotten Apples: Fresh

Does the Dog Die: NO DATA

First 30 Minutes: I feel like I can’t criticise or make jokes about this. I will, but I’m uncomfortable. Anyways alot of good things are happening to these people, except this mailroom guy, whose boss is just an absolute dick. I feel for these service workers though. Of all the people whose lives were ended, I think they are ignored the most. I’m a Hardee’s worker right now, and if something happened I think about how the company would react. I know their deaths weren’t treated how they should have been. How the middle class people’s deaths were treated.

On a seperate point, why do none of these food service workers have their shirts tucked in? I feel like I need to lecture them on safety in the food industry. Oh hey there’s a girl from Alabama here. I feel bad for her fucking Northeners are mean as hell.

This dad to the gay dude is a fucking dickhole. Homophobic asshole I’ll kick his ass. “You need to leave at 7 if it’s at 9” God his whole vibe reminds me of my Nana, are all old straight people like this? Also the mom is not helping. This kid does not want to do this don’t make him go into finance stop giving him bad advice? These are not good parents lol.

Also the uh guy that got passed over for promotion has this wife who’s sick and I love her and I wish it didn’t remind me of my own health issues that have taken away from my life. I hope wherever she is today she’s okay. I know most of these people aren’t… I don’t want to finish that thought.

Is the guy with kids that’s a buisnessman the same guy who was on the phone earlier? Is he cheating on his wife? Do I have bad facial recognition? I think he is? He looks like my Bio professor. Also this poor lady trying to tell her boyfriend or whatever that she’s pregnant is not having a good time. Also I don’t think they’re the same person?

Side track before I start on the next section: There’s a part in here talking about the fucking thing where boys make fun of girls cause they like them and let me tell you. I am a boy and I have never been mean to someone because I liked them? You wanna know why? Because that’s not how you express emotions stop fucking telling your daughters and shit that that’s how life works or I’m gonna steal your kidneys I’m so sick of it.

Impressions After the Movie: I love how just about every straight white couple that comes on screen is an absolute train wreck lmao.

Anyways 37 minutes in is when it is actually 9/11/01. I will have to put so many tw on this post no ones gonna be able to read it. I also felt in this point of the movie the anticipation of having a dream that something bad is gonna happen and the day before is so good that I forgot about it and then I realise it is happening as it’s happening around me.

I know I talked about 9/11 culturally but the actual scenes are alot. I was in Preschool that day so I can’t say what I was doing, but whenever I hear about the people I think about how mundane everything was to that point. I think they used the real audio I don’t

So much of this tragedy has been used to to justify so much I forget that behind the propaganda, behind the war mongering was something that should’ve never I’m always reminded of how many times this has been rehashed in a million different places by us, by the US, and all these people are are used as a driving force.

I thought this would be a good post so soon after after the uh bombings in Iran by us. I thought anyone anyone that saw this that’s an American that is uh so deadened by the consistant wars of the past whole of our lives, that this action that has spurned so much vitrolent hate that caused so many deaths not just in the initial impact, but in the years afterwards where this was the propaganda used, that this happens everytime the US does one of these heartless acts. If there was a documentary every time that showed these people in those final hours, how much would you have in common with them? How many of them lived lives that mirror your own, there is so much death and every time I’m reminded of it, I think about how those people lived and the people whose fault it is. Who sit in Washington and drown in money while children are killed and are orphaned and where hundreds of thousands to millions of people are killed for fucking shit. For materials and how much do we need them. How much do we hate our fellow man that this keeps happening over and over again.

I’m constantly reminded of my sisters, who are being raised in a world that is not fit through no fault of theirs. Where they are turned against their siblings, who are forced to sink further into poverty, while our country bombs people who’s only fault is living, who go to school with a target on their back, while their older brother works himself to death and I’m told to hate my brothers and sisters in Iran for no reason other than a reelection campaign. Why can’t we let the victims rest

Enjoyment Rating Total: 0/10 I’m crying, and my faith is shot I truly hate America at this point. This entire movie has reminded me of every bit of justification of wars our schools shoved down our throats with ‘Remember 9/11’ as the inciting action. I really just want these people to be put to rest.

Queer Rep: 10/10

Rep of Women: 10/10

Racial Awareness: 10/10

General Assholery: 10/10

Fat People: 10/10

Neurodivergency: 10/10

Ableism (Not Including Neurodivergent Peoples): 10/10 The most heartbreaking scene for me is the image of a woman sitting in a wheelchair in front of the elevators, resigned because there’s nothing she can do.

Diversity: 10/10

Movie Quality: 10/10

Trigger Warnings: death, terrorism

Total Rating: 90/100

Final Thoughts: I’m still crying, even writing this made me cry. I think this documentary is better than any other 9/11 documentary I’ve seen because there was no calls to war from this. And maybe you can tell I went to a school in the south that was connected right to the military where we were raised to go and die for our country because of that statement, but Idc. If you have to see a documentary on a tragedy, this one is very well done, but otherwise I would not recommend watching it because it's so heart wrenching to see.

I’m gonna go watch the care bears or something now and play with my cat.

#tw death #8:46 #9/11 #tw terrorism #a #anti america #anti war

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eckshecks · 5 years ago

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Ex Hex’s Mary Timony on Enlarging the Group’s Sound By Jordan LawrenceOct 22, 2019 Updated 1 hr ago Facebook Twitter Email Facebook Twitter Email Print Save Ex Hex Ex Hex

Michael Lavine Washington, D.C.’s Ex Hex could have rested on the appeal of fantastic players tearing through dirty garage rock that frolics on the dividing line between precision and abandon. But five years after the exceedingly well-titled debut Rips, the group shows it’s not content to keep trotting out the same formula. This year’s It’s Real is bigger and fuller, alive with electric harmonies from voices and guitars, echoing with the bigness of multiple eras of arena rock while maintaining its built-for-a-rock club edge.

Free Times caught up with guitarist and singer Mary Timony to talk about Ex Hex’s growth. The interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Free Times: The new album’s definitely cleaner and more dynamic than Rips. Tell me about your ambition for the record.

Mary Timony: We wanted the record to sound really huge. The first record was pretty garage rock. On this record, we were going for more of a production style that was less blown out and more clear and bigger. It took us a while to get it going because we toured an insane amount on the first record. Because the record did pretty well and we just kept getting all these offers. We went to Europe literally like five times, which is insane.

Was it about trying to do something you can’t do on stage?

We wanted to be able to replicate it. Betsy [Wright], she’s really a guitar player. She was kind of filling in on bass on the first record. A lot of the record was recorded with her playing guitar, so we’re like, ‘Well, obviously, we need to have her playing guitar and get a bass player.’ And so now we’re playing with Michelle Mae, who’s a musician from Makeup. And that has been awesome. It’s been great to be a four-piece.

How does it change things, being a four-piece?

It’s really fun to have two guitars because there’s so much you can do. The band can sound much bigger or just as stripped-down if you want or way bigger. It just gives us so many more possibilities for sounds and parts to play. Playing as a three-piece is good in its own ways, but it definitely presents more of a challenge because there’s not a lot of room. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s basically like nobody can stop. You have a lot more jobs. But when there’s four, the guitars can kind of take a break, or they can play at a harmony. There’s just way more to work with.

You recently released the title track for It’s Real as a separate single. Why did you end up holding it but naming the album after it?

It was a song that we hadn’t finished recording by the time that the record needed to be done. It was one of the things where we just thought about it too much so we had to take a little break and then we had it and we listened again and decided it was awesome and we just finished it up. It was just sitting on the backburner, I guess.

I thought it was kind of cool to have it come from a song that wasn’t on the record. In a way, that song is also the most collaborative of anything we’ve ever done. So I like that part of it. It’s really a mix of me and Betsy. She wrote most of the melodies, and I wrote most of the lyrics, and we’ve never collaborated that crossed before. Usually, it’s like one person writes a song and everybody else helps arrange it. That one we really, I guess, wrote together, in a way. It’s mostly her song, but then I contributed a bunch of lyrics and melody ideas.

I’ve read that Def Leppard had an influence on the record. Tell me about that.

The main idea was just really like Mutt Lange’s production style. Because the way his stereo was recorded is pretty crazy. It’s just like super complex, and there’s like a million, million tracks. It’s not straight-ahead. It’s not just some microphones in the room. It’s very complicated.

We’re trying to copy it, but we soon found out that was impossible. Because you need like a million dollars to be able to copy that, and also be really good at production and have good gear. So we just sort of did our own version of that sound on a few songs.

One thing I like about the record is that it’s not all one genre or style. We have certain things that do sound like throwbacks, but then there’s other songs. It’s not all just one thing. It’s a little bit more mixed up.

From your time in the cult favorite Helium to Ex Hex, your work is well-known to a certain segment of indie rock fans. Is that in your head as you make music these days?

No, that’s not in my head at all. I’m just trying to make records because I like to do it. All of us in the band are the same way. It’s not like you get into this to make a million dollars. You just get into doing it because it’s fun and creative and you connect with people. Believe me, it’s not an easy thing to do with your life, at all, by any means. At this point, I’ve been doing it longer than some people, because most people just aren’t as crazy as me, I guess. I just keep going. I don’t know.

It’s not like this band is at a level where people are that aware or that many people are dying to hear our next record. We’re just trying to make it work.

What: Jam Room Music Festival

Where: Hampton and Main streets, Columbia

When: Saturday, Oct. 26, 10 a.m.-10 p.m.

Price: Free

More: jamroommusicfestival.com

Ex Hex plays the Palmetto Brewing Co. Stage on Hampton Street at 6:45 p.m.

Facebook Twitter Email Print Save +5Columbia’s Female-Dominated Jam Room Music Festival Is Well-Timed Columbia’s Female-Dominated Jam Room Music Festival Is Well-Timed Phill Blair admits that the most striking aspect of this week’s Jam Room Music Festival wasn’t intentional. At least, not at first.

MORE INFORMATION +3Jam Room Music Festival 2019 Schedule Jam Room Music Festival 2019 Schedule The Whig Stage

Now with two new bands, Katharine Whalen’s days after Squirrel Nut Zippers are full Tags Ex Hex Live Music Columbia Jam Room Music Festival Jordan Lawrence Jordan Lawrence Managing Editor for Free Times

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bixeapage · 7 years ago

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A Collection Of New Vinyl For The Audiophile – March, 2018

I’d had Steve Earle’s latest, So You Wannabe An Outlaw, sitting around the apartment for some weeks without so much as removing the cellophane wrapper.

Steve Earle and the Dukes

So You Wannabe An Outlaw

Warner Bros.

Performance:

Sound:

I’m not sure why I was so lackadaisical about the whole enterprise. I’d seen Earle perform an acoustic in-store show in support of the work a few months back, and I loved it. Ironically, and despite the crappy current climate, Earle keeps his political opinions off the Outlaw record. This is strictly a fun one. Maybe the most fun I’ve had listening to Steve Earle since El Corazón. Let that one sink in for a second…

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And the fun starts before the record even plays. The gatefold cover has a nice matte finish with some cool illustrations and printed lyrics. Even better, the center stickers on the records themselves reproduce the old Warner Bros. green(-ish) labels from the late ‘60s and early ‘70s. Not sure if they’re bringing those back in general or if Earle used them to represent the retro nature of the album itself. This is Earle’s ode to Outlaw Country (and Waylon, specifically), in case the title didn’t tip you off. To that end, he starts the party with a duet featuring himself and Willie on vocals. And Willie actually shows up. He sings in a lower register than I’m accustomed to hearing from him, and you almost wouldn’t recognize him at first. But you can’t keep Ol’ Willie hid for long. “News From Colorado” is a heartstring player in the tradition of so many badass Steve Earle ballads before. “Fixin’ To Die” is not the old Bukka White song made “popular” by Dylan and Col. Bruce Hampton; it’s a snarling rocker with thunderous drumming and dangerous fiddling. Makes “Taneytown” seem like “Fort Worth Blues.” There are traditional Country cry-in-your-beer numbers like “You Broke My Heart,” and four of the five numbers on the fourth side are Outlaw Country covers by the likes of Billy Joe Shaver, Willie (twice), and a take on Waylon’s classic “Are You Sure Hank Done It This Way.” If you can’t have a good time in this saloon, I reckon you should hitch up your pony to a post on the right, and head off to bed. You can cook a campfire breakfast for the rest of us that didn’t.

Perhaps I was reticent to unwrap these records because I assumed they were pressed in Nashville like many of Earle’s previous titles. But they weren’t. They were pressed at Record Industry in the Netherlands, and they’re pretty great for a pedestrian release. I noticed that Earle’s old label, New West Records, has moved on from Nashville, and begun pressing records at MTO in France. I’ve had good luck with Jack White’s Detroit pressing plant too, so maybe things are looking up for the general quality of vinyl releases. Thank Goodness. These Outlaw records sound great with plenty of detail in the pretty numbers and loads of grit in the rockers. If you’re an Earle/Outlaw fan, your ship has come in. Or your pony. Just get it.

The Beastie Boys

The In Sound From Way Out!

Grand Royal/Capitol Records

Performance:

Sound:

I’m so thrilled that I didn’t plunk down the exorbitant amount of money that people are asking for an original copy of the Beastie Boys’ The In Sound From Way Out! (The exclamation point is part of the title, and was not used by the author for emphasis.) I didn’t realize that the tunes were compiled mostly from Check Your Head and Ill Communication when I was shopping for it. I’d had those records all along and would have been really angry with myself if I’d paid $100 plus for tunes that were simply re-presented in a different format. The Beasties did some cool stuff with their first-run vinyl releases to differentiate them from later pressings. This one had a slightly altered color scheme, for instance. And it may have had an alternate song running order too. Anyway, Capitol Records reissued In Sound late last year and charged a reasonable price for it, so those concerns have gone the way of coal. (Maybe not the best example given who’s running the show in the USA right now, but you get the idea.) This one’s a (natural) gas, gang. Now’s the time.

There are actually some minor differences between a couple of the songs on In Sound and their counterparts on the earlier releases. Shortened intros and alternate mixes, that kind of thing. “Namasté” and “Lighten Up” had the original vocals removed to accommodate the instrumental format. Still not worth paying ludicrous prices for an original unless you have money falling out of your ears or are truly the world’s biggest Beastie Fan. I mean, people are still asking as much as $550 for the first edition yellow vinyl version. Doesn’t mean they’re going to get it, but still. Let’s get to the meat of the matter though, shall we: this compilation is twenty tons of fun. Much of that is due to Money Mark’s keyboard wizardry. “Wizardry” might paint an inaccurate picture. There are no virtuoso performances on this record. The virtuosity is involved with the players’ impeccable taste. All groove, no solos. Lots of textures and interesting sounds. These tunes were almost certainly mastered from digital sources. In fact, I can’t imagine that there was a ton of analog processing outside of the band’s equipment when they were recording the songs in the first place. But the sonics are really good. The overall sound is well balanced with punchy bass and smooth highs. Maybe not the three-dimensional sound you’ll find, but certainly, an overall passing grade for a reissue that was not as well loved as an audiophile might like. I have all eight official Beastie studio releases on vinyl, and most, if not all, are reissues. I’m mostly fine with it, although I’d enjoy having an original License To Ill for sentimental reasons. This compilation is not included in that list because it’s… a compilation. But it plays really nicely with The Mix-Up, which is a record of original instrumentals that the band released in 2007. I caught that tour, and it was the only time I’d ever see the Beasties play live. They were phenomenal because that’s what they were. Creativity and cool for days upon days. If you’ve never given their grooves a chance, these instrumentals might surprise you. For fans of Jackie Mitoo more so than James Brown. Highly recommended.

Beck

Colors

Capitol Records

Performance:

Sound:

Beck released a new one late last year, but it doesn’t seem like there was much fanfare, really. And that may be by design. His fans are a ravenous lot, and they likely aren’t swayed by his albums’ ad campaigns. They’ll probably come along for the ride no matter what so why waste money on promotion. I count myself among their ranks, but I’m not completely onboard with this one. I’m not even sure that I’m standing on the right dock. This boat seems to have floated right on by me. Sometimes they do.

Colors is Beck’s 13th studio album. He had been playing a couple of these songs live (“Dreams” and “Wow”) for a good long while before the record was released. He worked on the album over the course of about four years in between tours and whatever else he does to stay alive. And I just can’t help but wonder where all the effort was focused. Colors is a record by Fun Beck. Maudlin Beck presumably enjoyed the massive success of his most recent downer album (Morning Phase), but Fun Beck will always sell out tours, and I am of the personal opinion that most of us would prefer to hang with this version of the man. But he ain’t fun enough on Colors. “I’m So Free” involves Beck’s usual incongruous raps over heavy, fuzzed-out guitar chords, but with a new wrinkle. He’s not quite on the speedy level of Big Boi, but I’ve never heard Beck rap faster. And he does so with zero affectations. He sounds bored, while essentially talking quickly in words that rhyme. “Dear Life” uses a cool Beatles-esque piano, and some Nels Cline inspired guitar work, and is one of the more engaging listens on Colors. There’s some immediacy that’s absent in this recording though, and that’s shown up quite plainly during the a-cappella vocals that close this tune out. Sounds like something that could be mind expanding given the MoFi treatment, for example, but there’s just not much “punch” in these grooves to speak of. “No Distraction” employs some cheap ‘80s tricks and plastic melodies, and it may be the most pedestrian song I’ve ever heard from Beck.

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Basically, it just seems like Colors never quite takes off. It’s hard to imagine Fun Beck fans reaching for Colors instead of Odelay, or Guero, or even Modern Times, which is kind of a hybrid between Fun Beck and Maudlin Beck’s best work. I was prepared to rant about the high quality of the pressing, at least, but mine gets a little noisy as side two advances. Nothing crazy. There are more deluxe versions of Colors, but I don’t think the content warrants the extra expenditure. Beck didn’t embarrass himself here, but I’d have envisioned something way more layered and rich after dude spent nearly half a decade in the studio working on Colors. Diehard fans may disagree, but I likely won’t keep this one. Until next time…

Drivin’ n’ Cryin’

Mystery Road

Island Records

Performance:

Sound:

Kevn Kinney anticipated the “Ameriacana” movement by years. When I think of Americana, I think of music played on real instruments, by real people, and produced in a less shiny, less sterile way than what Hot New Country fans may prefer, for instance. Drivin’ n’ Cryin’ married Punk and Country aesthetics early in the game before focusing more intently on the Rock side of things for their scant radio tunes. Mystery Road, the band’s third studio release, rocks plenty with some tasty fiddles and pedal steel work to carry the work home. The original was released in 1989. A recent double-album set reissues the album alongside a set of demos recorded by Peter Buck in 1988. It all takes me back…

…to an era when the older kids (or kids with older siblings) were listening to some whiny guy sing that I couldn’t quite understand. It didn’t take me long though. Luckily, I was in the process of discovering Bob Dylan around this time, so nasal was soon to be cool. Drivin’ n’ Cryin’ were making their way in Atlanta without the benefit of much radio play. At the time, I had them lumped in with all the other Athens bands that I was trying to get a handle on while still under the radio’s formulaic influence. “Honeysuckle Blue” cleared things up for me bigly. I’d have no way of knowing how popular that song was outside of the area that I lived in (unless I asked the internet, maybe), but it was a full-on anthem in my neck of the woods. Still is. I get juiced every time I hear it. Every time. The crunchy tones and the iconic guitar lick make sure of it. “Straight to Hell” is on here too, but I never got as much out of that one. You can still walk into a bar in Georgia, and if the band is playing covers, they’re apt to play either or both songs, perhaps more than once in the same evening. The rest of the album is fleshed out by a group of songs that would anticipate the heavier leanings on later records like Fly Me Courageous. By the time I saw Widespread Panic open for Drivin’ n’ Cryin’ in Atlanta, you’d have thought that Led Zeppelin was headlining. The drums were loud, the hair was big. I left early, but caught the band a few more times after their heyday, and I was much better off for having done so. The demos in this set are fun to have. They’re about what you’d expect: slightly less shiny versions of the tunes that would make it onto the final version (except for the album’s title track, which is on the demos set but not the final album), and a couple that would make it into Kinney’s later oeuvre. They’re gloriously rough. The tempos increase when things get hot, which would have to be smoothed out for the Big Release. Things never got as big as they should have for D n’ C, but that just serves to make them feel like even more of a hidden keepsake.

These records are both well pressed. There are some fun essays in the gatefold, and Kevn Kinney’s grandma’s painting was restored to its original sheen for this cover (after having been bastardized by the record label in ’89). This one’s for rockers more so than audiophiles. There is mud. And blood. I love it.

Sister Rosetta Tharpe

Live In 1960

Org Music

Performance:

Sound:

Sister Rosetta Tharpe. My goodness, there’s no way to overstate the awesomeness of this lady’s work. I mean, damn. She was one of the first artists to employ distortion of her electric guitar. She influenced Little Richard, and Little Richard influenced everyone. She was a rocker who would not play secular music, but she’d play Gospel in a barroom or a club. She was recently tagged for admittance into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, for people who care about that kind of thing. I have an original copy of her Gospel Train album, which is one of the jewels in my collection (although I wish it were in mono). Fantastic. Org Music recently released their take on Rosetta’s Live In 1960. I was stoked. Then, I was not.

First off, these recordings give the listener a very real feel for how emotional and intense Tharpe’s singing could be. She held nothing back. She wasn’t a wailer on par with the more full-throated Gospel singers of yore, but her voice had power and she was totally fearless. Not self-conscious in the least. You can hear her get the Spirit when she extends syllables past the point of breaking (“train” equals “tray-yea-yea-yea-yea-yain”). Sometimes, she cracks herself up. Sometimes, she’s gotta stop and preach. There’s enough personality and life in her vocals for an entire Gospel choir. And her guitar work was percussive and heavy-hitting, an obvious pre-cursor to some of the more refined electric guitar work that the Chicago Blues players would unveil later. Here’s the problem: very little of that guitar work can be discerned on Live In 1960. This is an issue with the original recording, not with anything that the folks at Org Music did. But why in the hell would they choose to release this title in lieu of a “better” one. She takes a quick solo during “Didn’t It Rain” that you can hear most of. Or some of. Because she’s not singing over it. If she’s singing, you can’t hear the guitar. That’s the deal. And it’s just her! There may be a drummer playing quietly on some songs, but the quality of the recording is so bunk that I’m not sure. It could be her foot stomping on the stage.

And that’s about all there is to say about Live In 1960. The pressing is fine, but who cares? There are no download codes or liners. Just a poorly recorded live performance by one of the greatest talents in the history of recorded American music. The cover has a cool photo of Sister Rosetta and her Les Paul. That’s the best part about it. To say that this is not audiophile material would be a grotesque understatement. I don’t know why this record was made unless it was to capitalize on Tharpe’s Hall of Fame induction. I wish they’d chosen a different title. The end.

The post A Collection Of New Vinyl For The Audiophile – March, 2018 appeared first on HomeTheaterHifi.com.

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ann-evelyn · 8 years ago

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The Cosplay Show I’ve Wanted to See is Here!

Posted March 25, 2017

Finally! Syfy has created the cosplay show I want to watch. “Cosplay Melee” puts four cosplayers up against each other in a challenge to win $10,000. The style of the show follows the model of “Cake Wars.” A small-ish first challenge eliminates one of the cosplayers. Then, a winner is chosen from the remaining three after an extreme challenge. During the challenges, we get to see how the costume elements are created.

The contestants have to create characters who would fit into various existing science fiction or fantasy franchises. The first episode’s franchise was “Star Wars.” This coming week’s setting is the world in “Game of Thrones.”

Each week, we will see four new cosplayers. I appreciated them having a cosplayer who is 49 years old, showing that they are not buying into ageism. I hope that in weeks to come, we will see some varying body types and possibly some cosplayers with disabilities as well.

The previous cosplay show that aired on Syfy was not to my liking at all. I wrote a review of it after watching the whole first season (to give it a fair chance to win me over) that was published on AirlockAlpha.com. That review is below.

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The Fannish Life: Heroes of Cosplay—Not Enough Play Before I knew anything about the new Syfy show about cosplay, I was a bit put off. Unless cosplayers were out saving or greatly bettering people’s lives either in costume or in their daily lives, the title of the show was kind of wrong. Masters of Cosplay or Idols of Cosplay would have suited the show better.

When I read on Facebook that a cosplayer who is well known and often a guest at conventions in my home state, Florida, turned down the opportunity to be on “Heroes of Cosplay,” I became suspicious of the show. She did not give details or trash the show. She simply said that she didn’t like the way the show was going to go.

As more and more of my friends and acquaintances reported that it was awful, I thought I might not watch it at all but I cracked.

The opening credits show you six cosplayers upon whom the show focuses but time is not evenly split among the main players. It focuses a crazy amount of time on cosplayers who are not just in it for fun but who are trying to make a living with cosplay.

I don’t have a problem with people wanting to turn a hobby into a profession but having the show focus too much on that aspect of cosplay is a misrepresentation of what cosplay is to most of those who participate in it. Very few people who like to dress up for the various kinds of science fiction and fantasy genre conventions are making money with cosplay or even care about making money with it. They just like to play a little bit and get away from the hard parts of life for a while.

If I were new to costuming and watched this show, I’d just feel like quitting. It makes it seem as though your work must be professional quality or you should just stay home. It also gives the impression that you must be young and thin to cosplay. When Chloe Dykstra commented that everyone should be able to cosplay without being told they were not fit for it, she was shot down by the several of the other cosplayers on the show.

Well, Chloe is right and she even posted a six and half minute rant on YouTube about cosplayers verbally beating up other cosplayers. She posted this a couple of days before the first episode of “Heroes of Cosplay” aired. She got around to mentioning the show at the end of her rant and asked that before people trashed the show, they think about what they were saying and whether or not it would hurt someone’s feelings.

If you want to hear what Dykstra had to say, just search YouTube. I’d post the link but if you are reading this at work, the rant is not suitable for most offices. She’s pretty passionate and her language gets a bit raw. Don’t let that keep you from watching it at home though. It’s a good rant. It’s one I think many people need to hear. It made me think about my own conduct. I’ve been snarky when talking to my friends and though I would never ever say something mean about a cosplayer to his or her face, I’ve said things that were not my best outpourings to my friends.

There has been a lot of trashing this show and the episode I came in on made me want to trash it. In it, one cosplayer named Becky asked if she could team up with two others named Victoria and Monika. No good came of this. Monika told Becky she was the last person she’d think of to team with and that Becky was not on the same level as herself. I almost gave up on the show when I found myself being glad that Monika did not win the contest she entered that was shown in that episode.

When a non-fiction television show has you feeling glad that something unpleasant or downright bad is happening to someone, it’s not a nice thing and I think it’s not good television.

What got me to continue watching and to catch up on the episodes I missed was that I wanted to write my column about the show. It would have been wrong to praise, trash or go on the fence about the show without seeing all of its parts. I found good things and bad things in the show. The mean-spiritedness that shows sometimes goes in the bad things column. The amazing costumes you get to see go in the good things column.

There were some things that I found downright disturbing. 1. Someone wearing a corset so tight that she almost passed out 2. Someone making a wig she knew she was allergic to instead of either changing her costume idea or finding something else affordable she was not allergic to 3. Someone binding her chest so tight (for a male character costume) that she almost passed out 4. Many someone’s spending all their time in hotel rooms finishing costumes at the last minute instead of just wearing other costume and going to the conventions 5. Many someone’s not getting any sleep for days at a time just to work on costumes.

I was puzzled about the choice of cosplayers for the show. They are all great at what they do but why did we not get to see more men? I think parity of the sexes would have been better. Several of the women had their husbands or boyfriends helping them to the point that the men were the primary costume builders. It would have been more interesting to have the men the focus in those cases. While you saw judges who were not spring chickens, there were not any costumers (the old timey word for cosplayers) you could tell were anything but young, young, young. I would have liked to see at least a few older people in costumes. They are out there at the conventions and I know it would not have been hard to find a few to at least show on camera for a few seconds. I understand that the audience Syfy has to deliver to the sponsors is that 18-49 group with money to spend but, you know what? With our economy in the unhealthy state it is, it’s more likely that we people who had money after things fell down the rabbit hole are at the upper end of that range or well beyond it.

If “Heroes of Cosplay” comes back for a second season, I hope it will go down a different road and focus on people who costume just for fun. Many of those have fabulous things they wear to conventions with never a thought of making a living costuming or even competing in contests. They just go in for being in a safe environment where they can express their inner fantastic children in their dress. The show did very little to address hall costumes. We saw some of the costumes that the cosplayers wore when they were not competing but there was no discussion of what hall costumes are and how they differ from competition style costumes. Basically, if you can’t go to the bathroom without getting someone to help you with your costume (and you are over five) it’s not a hall costume. Many conventions give awards for hall costumes. This allows people who do wonderful work or just embody the blithe spirit of costuming to get some recognition. Usually this is in the form of a ribbon or medal. I’d like to see some helpful information about making hall costume s in the second season. For many people, a lot of the fun is in making the costumes and we didn’t see most of the costumers this time having fun with that part of it. They were all stressed, all the time.

It would please me if the show gives a little more history of how costuming has become almost mainstream. That didn’t happen overnight and people who are my age and older who were wearing costumes long before the advent of the mega-giganto conventions could talk about the roots costuming/cosplay.

I guess overall, I found more negatives in “Heroes of Cosplay” than positives but if you can ignore the drama and some of the health hazards some cosplayers subject themselves to, the amazing costumes you get to see when they show footage of the actual conventions, make it worth seeing.

Till next time, peace and long life. Never give up. Never Surrender!

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