#this post cost me hours of my life i swear

[mimicha-arts]

S2 Spoilers, ep7-8, probably ep9

Since I still don't understand the s2e8 intensions, as well as many of the elements regarding who was in Lu Guang's place, I just put together a list of questions that concern me when it comes to whether it was Lu Guang or Cheng Xiaoshi after all. I still have a feeling this is going to be retwisted, but idk.

Following Qiao Ling's speculation, the episode guides us down the path that it was Cheng Xiaoshi, but the plot does not provide direct confirmation. In all other (so far) moments, we were shown, as a result, redrawn frames with a changed eye color, where the character was possessed, in this case this did not happen, the intrigue was deliberately warmed up again. At some point, of course, the visual rules of the setting have been broken, so it's no longer a detail that can be trusted. Like, everyone understands that this way the audience will be more confident that Qiao Ling's words here are the fact (that Lu Guang is possessed by Cheng Xiaoshi), but at the same time there is no 100% confirmation. For what. Okay, well, next I'll split this post into two parts: the actual questions/moments and the motivations of the characters.

Actual questions/moments

1. The call

A very small hidden moment that almost went out of sight. In fact, when Qiao Ling and Xiaoshi looked through Lu Guang's phone, we were shown the contact details of the calls. Qiao Ling called him at 18:42 , but there was no answer (other calls were answered). Since Qiao Ling's call was 50 minutes ago, we understand - Lu Guang's phone viewing time is 19:33.

And then... Pay attention. The previous call received was from Cheng Xiaoshi. The part of the screen where the time is displayed is blocked by the thumb, but it is possible to catch a small frame. 2小時之前 - Two hours ago, so the time was about 17:33 pm (probably after they left the hospital and before they began interrogating Li Tianchen).

THE F actually, cause we weren't shown any calls between Cheng Xiaoshi and Lu Guang, nothing about it were mentioned in any other moment. Another missed scene? I need to know.

2. Password, plan and phone The position of the phone is also different in both chronologies. If this was all Lu Guang's plan, and Lu Guang himself left a phone with a clue for Cheng Xiaoshi, then Lu Guang putted the phone face down in the bathroom. But in the second chronology, when Cheng Xiaoshi definitely dives in the photo, Cheng Xiaoshi himself leaves the phone in a different position, he puts it face up. So, if the position of the phone has changed, Lu Guang himself left the phone for Cheng Xiaoshi in the 1st line, it was not part of the "loop" where Cheng Xiaoshi (technically) leaves the phone in the same place himself.

So, if all this is Lu Guang's plan: Plan or not If so, Lu Guang must have known that Cheng Xiaoshi found out about his password, so generally able to access his phone and photos inside. Technically, if Lu Guang was unaware of Cheng Xiaoshi knowing his password, the photo wasn't left for Cheng Xiaoshi - Lu Guang hadn't planned it at all. But I think, this was planned by him, because otherwise he could have simply delete that single photo (for the safety reasons) from the phone, knowing well what Cheng Xiaoshi would do when he found the photo. Qiao Ling He needed Qiao Ling's participation, which is why he left her the right coordinates. Although I still do not understand why only for her, only because of distrust of the police? In fact, I still don’t understand why it was necessary to put Qiao Ling in such danger, but then again, if it makes sense, then perhaps in the rewritten/alternate events, she should have a bigger role. The reasons The biggest question. Would Lu Guang himself leave the photo as a part of the plan, put Cheng Xiaoshi himself in such danger? Knowing that Cheng Xiaoshi s does not know the real chronology of events, and without a hint with foresight, he can simply change events. Why take such a risk, knowing that Cheng Xiaoshi will not know the correct chronology. Again, if Lu Guang able to see the future, the main point - to save Cheng Xiaoshi and probably get more information about their enemies (if he "followed" the Li Tianchen voluntarily). The only reason (in my mind) he could leave a photo for Cheng Xiaoshi intentionally - because technically Cheng Xiaoshi's already saved, and Lu Guang intentionally need Cheng Xiaoshi to rewrite these events, to jump into photo and radically messed it up due to banal ignorance of the situation in advance. Idk, I think this makes sense, although I don't understand the final point yet. And, if Lu Guang is able to see the future from the present, is he also able to see alternative events?

3. DAMN BOAT

Idk, but the boat thing seems so off. Like, I kinda get why Lu Guang himself is able to drive a boat, but when it comes to Cheng Xiaoshi , I'm just confused. Because, if Lu Guang was possessed here, it means, that Cheng Xiaoshi knows how to drive a boat. And if he is able to jump like this, the boat itself is still next to the shore. So it wasn't that hard just jump on it once again, and if he knows how to drive a boat, he could at least try to keep up with Li Tianchen's boat to save Lu Guang. No?

4. DAMN KETTLE OK. If we assume that it was Cheng Xiaoshi from the future who saved Cheng Xiaoshi from the past, then, in theory, all his actions, although he does not know them for sure without Lu Guang, they should initially lead to success, idk? The only thing he did the same for now - waited for 18:55. But now we have inaccuracies, in particular, a broken window, in the "first" timeline of events, a KETTLE was definitely not used to create such a hole. And Cheng Xiaoshi obviously did not know what exactly he should throw for the same result.

5. "Hide and seek" Okay, it was said that Lu Guang hid in the restroom, waiting for the police to be distracted by the window after kicking the door. Again, these were the words of the characters, not the fact. We see that the restroom's door opens to the inside of the restroom, not to the outside, btw.

Initially, it is said that they did not check the restroom, which means that no one paid attention to it in the first line of events, while the second version of events already leads to the fact that even if Cheng Xiaoshi is not found, the policeman paid his attention.

On camera footage: Lu Guang from the first line of events, does not leave the restroom, just walks down the hallway of the room, the restroom door is closed (but could this be an animation error? idk). Technically, he had to open the door of the restroom on himself, go around it and only after that go out into the corridor of the room, and then go out into the corridor of the hospital. I can't tell if it's a bug, but if not, the details of what Lu Guang did once again are different and doesn't match what Cheng Xiaoshi does.

6. Combat skills. What bothers me the most is his physical condition. Why he was able to jump around so quickly, but then again, we don't know how much time passed between eps, how much his wounds could heal. If we can trust these frames, then his bandages have already been removed (or is he just a wild man and took them off himself ???). I know this is somewhat speculative, again, this is the most confusing part for me. The conclusions about Lu Guang's physical condition and ability to fight are the words of Qiao Ling. But that's also a guess. Since we don't know (almost) anything about Lu Guang, it's hard to guess what skills he has. Because if he saw the future from a photo, then he could simply know and see/remember Li Tianchen's attacks and actions in advance (just like in the special episode form s1) Moreover, all this fight on the shore is an attempt to repel Li Tianchen's punches, not beat him up. In particular, when he tries to grab Cheng Xiaoshi again. Don't give him a chance to touch, take control.

Afterwards, set him aside. Like, the whole fight scene was to protect Cheng Xiaoshi. The man in Lu Guang's place is a person who knew what Li Tianchen was capable of. Technically, Lu Guang may foresaw the future, while if in his place was Cheng Xiaoshi, with full understanding of the situation, the way he puts Lu Guang in danger just destroys the whole point of the story, since Cheng Xiaoshi from the future already wants to avoid Lu Guang's kidnapping.

Despite the fact that Li Tianchen, even if he has good skills, is a-ahem-twink, and even a kick from the foot did not have enough strength to topple him, while Cheng Xiaoshi with just a punch could knock over, and then even lift and throw away a full grown man engaged in martial arts. Literally in episode 2. Idk? Is this really Xiaoshi's physical strength / fighting level in this moment with Li Tianchen?

We all saw Lu Guang's wounds reopen. It was probably because of the fight and such physical activity. Like, the idea that his wounds were opened because of Cheng Xiaoshi's actions... Is somewhat strange? Given that Cheng Xiaoshi from the future is already aware of the danger to Lu Guang. I don't think Cheng Xiaoshi would do something so reckless as to get into a fight, let that happen. Even if the wounds were opened due to the fact that he was no longer possessed by Cheng Xiaoshi… Would Cheng Xiaoshi himself allow this, knowing that this would be the third time Lu Guang had bled to death? 7. Sound There is difference in the same scene from different eps. In ep8, when Li Tianchen is looking at Lu Guang, there is a specific sound similar to sound of ability use, but there is nothing like this in ep7. You can check it yourself: ep8 (04:36) and ep7 (21:13).

We still have speculation that the photo was actually passed on by the brother, given that in the new teaser, it was Li Tianchen who was shown holding the photo. That's why. Is there a possibility that he prepared this trap from the very beginning or also acts as a separate side from Qian Jin, following his own interests. Maybe there is something invisible that connects his plotline with Lu Guang's actions. There are no conclusions. Just suspicious.

Motivation

Probably the most important part. Cheng Xiaoshi and his attitude towards Lu Guang is the main reason why I think that in the first chronology of events it was Lu Guang himself, not Cheng Xiaoshi. If Cheng Xiaoshi really possessed Lu Guang during the first chronology... It just doesn't fit in my head in terms of the character's motivation and personality. Because if its canon: Why on earth Cheng Xiaosh would decide to do it all, while possessing Lu Guang, with whole knowing and awareness that his friend was almost killed, physically suffered, at the same time, knowing that he may bleed again? Like, literally, force him to fight, knowing the wounds might open after it? What, then, is the motivation for while being Lu Guang, not just to put him in danger, but literally risk his life, like, to engage in a FIGHT with the person who almost killed him! And then not only let go of the Li Tianchen, but also rush after him, directly almost voluntarily handing over Lu Guang to the enemy.

It's even has to be *future* Cheng Xiaoshi that way - what is the point for Cheng Xiaoshi, who already has the knowledge of danger, of kidnapping, to do such a thing at all? Again! To save himself? He just handed Lu Guang over to his probable death with his own hands? One of the closest people in his life? This boy, who saw Lu Guang dying?

Who literally thought Lu Guang was dead? Who was willing to rewrite the past for Lu Guang?

The boy who weighed all the blame on his own shoulders? THIS boy?

Sound nothing like Cheng Xiaoshi to me. Not at all, especially when we see throughout all the episodes of his experience, his guilt, his understanding of what Lu Guang is ready to do for him. It just literally killing his entire personality in that way. Like. Am I misunderstanding something? Where is the logic in that case - beyond of my understanding. This, this is the problem I have with "possessing" thing. Because if so, it's either a white hole in the narrative or so out of character that I really hope there is more to unpack. Otherwise, honestly, it's a very bad writing. I hope it's not.

I really don't understand the meaning of some things in the last episode rn, but the current plot likes to play with "misperceptions", so I'm chill enough about them until the last episode of the season comes out.

I don't know, I feel like I spent like 10 or even 12 hours discussing the plot and eps, all this is a collected meta post from discussions with my friend @wrathyforest ， who shares with me both grief and joy, ahaha. Thanks for reading! Feel free to discuss.

[lucaanis]

i had big plans for this originally but my brain swerved off the road and exploded so now im just calling it done and moving on 💀 whatev

im currently unemployed and have bills to pay, if you'd like to support me you can throw some spare change at my ko-fi or order a commission <3 ty

[thefallennightmare]

Miracle-four

Pairings: Noah Sebastian x Reader

Warnings/Tropes: forced proximity, slight enemies to lovers, slow burn, smut, angst, fluff, mentions of death, and swearing.

Summary: Reader is the merch girl for Bad Omens. It wasn't what she wanted to do with her life but when her mother got sick with Alzheimer's, reader took a job where she could to help with the costs. She thought it would be a one-time gig but the longer she was on the road with them, the harder she fell for Noah Sebastian; even if he wanted nothing to do with her. She needed a miracle to save her mom and her future.

Author Note: I wanted this to be a slow burn/enemies to lovers but god damn it's so hard to write because I already want Reader and Noah to get together.

Tags: @ada-clarence @nonamessblog @thescarlettvvitch @malice-ov-mercy @crimson-calligraphyx @theoneandonlykymberlee @yumikitten @blackveilomens @cherrymedicine13 @thebadchic @notmaddihealy @jay02bo @beaker1636 @jakekiszkasguitarpick @punk-pr1ncessxoxo

With a loud sigh, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and walked towards to front end of the bus. On this bus, I shared it with Davis, Matt, and Bryan, and sometimes one guy from the band would pop in every once in a while: except Noah. At least if he did, it was when I was asleep or not around. Especially lately, Noah and I avoided each other. After the disaster of a dinner a couple nights ago, I refused to speak to him even about work. I went to everyone else instead of him if I had a question, which I didn't often since I knew what I was doing.

I didn't want to think about Noah right now. Not when my mind should only think about my mom.

Lana told me that even though my mom was having a lot of good days, she still refused to speak to me. I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't break but I couldn't cry about it. I needed to focus for work and not give anyone a reason to figure out something was wrong.

We were close to the next city, less than an hour away, and we would hang out in Dallas for two days before heading out once more. Matt mentioned he had a surprise for everyone so called for a bus meeting which is where I found everyone with two surprise visitors.

Folio and Noah.

Giving a small smile to the former, I sat next to him at the table and he returned a smile. Noah was sitting on the long couch of the bus, chatting quietly with Bryan. They must have joined when we stopped last and I was asleep.

Noah's eyes burned hot at the side of my face but I ignored him as I bumped shoulders with Folio. We had been texting a bit the last couple days and have gotten pretty close; no romantic feelings involved. Folio had been a great friend and someone to vent too. I never told him about my mom, though. That was something I would take to the grave.

"Where's Jolly and Nick?" I asked.

"They stayed on our bus. They wanted the peace to sleep."

I nodded before pointing to Matt, who was standing at the front of the bus rubbing his hands together. "Any idea what this is about?"

"No fucking idea," Folio chuckled.

With my phone buzzing in my hand, I dared a peak at the notification to see another subscriber to my Only Fan's page. I didn't have many followers but enough to keep some money coming in. I could pay Lana her first paycheck and the extra income coming in was nice. I wasn't rolling in money but wasn't struggling on how to pay for things. With being constantly surrounded by the guys, I wasn't able to post much, just one other video and a few provocative pictures. I never showed my face, only from the neck down and never naked. I always had some short of clothes or underwear or an arm covering the private areas. Maybe that was the reason I had little subscribers, but it was the rules I set for myself when I started this.

"So, I bet you're all wondering why I called this meeting," Matt spoke while clapping his hands.

Folio muttered a joke to me under his breath which earned a loud laugh from me. Everyone looked our way, and I leaned back into the booth cheeks on fire.

"What's so funny?" Matt quirked a brow.

Noah's eyes pinned me to my spot as I glanced over to him. Something flashed behind those brown iris' while his jaw ticked.

"Nothing, Mr. Dierkes. Please continue with class," Folio joked with a smirk.

I had to bite my lip so I wouldn't laugh again.

"As I was saying," Matt began ignoring Folio. "It's been a week on tour and we've all been working tirelessly to make sure every show fucking rules. But there has been some tension within the group."

"I don't think you feel the same tension as some of us do," Noah said with his eyes on me.

Our eyes matched with intensity, and I let out a deep breath wondering what he meant by that.

Tension? Of course, there was tension between us but that's because we disliked each other.

Folio noticed I was ready to speak, so he pinched the bare skin of my shoulder which caused me to yelp out in slight pain.

"What the fuck was that for?" I seethed.

He nodded towards Matt to continue on, who looked displeased at being interrupted by our antics yet again.

In our days of texting, I told Folio about how it irritates me how Noah acts around me when we're alone versus when others are around. I also may have told him about my tiny feelings for Noah, which Folio told me it was pretty clear how I felt. While I thought no one noticed, Folio saw the stolen glances, the way my body reacted differently when Noah was around, or the way the corner of my lips curled up when Noah spoke or sang.

Always so perceptive.

I tried to get out of him why Noah was so upset about that night in Chicago but Folio refused. He said that was Noah's secret to share.

I tasted blood with how hard I bit my tongue and reluctantly gave Matt my attention.

"Since we'll be in Dallas for a few days, I rented an Airbnb for us to stay at as a way for us to bond or whatever the fuck. There's a pool and grill we can have a pool day on our off day," Matt said with a smile.

My heart sunk deep into the pits of my stomach. At least when we stayed in hotels, I had my room, sometimes doors down from Noah. But now, all of us staying in a house means it would be harder to avoid him.

"Is that necessary?" I questioned.

"Yes," Matt deadpanned. "If you want a hotel, book it on your personal card."

Low blow.

"Whatever," I grumbled while crossing my arms.

He simply gave me a large smirk before speaking again. "The only issue is that there aren't enough beds so some people will have to bunk together or sleep on the couch."

"You've got to be kidding me," I muttered while running a hand down my face.

I didn't care the house situation, I would sleep on the floor if I had too if that meant I wouldn't share a bed with anyone, especially Noah. I liked these guys but not that much.

Folio patted my shoulder and whispered low in my ear.

"Maybe you and Noah should bunk together. Team bonding or whatever."

"Fuck off, Folio," I playfully smacked his chest before rising to my feet, his arm falling away from me. Noah was still staring at me and I knew with how close Folio and I had been, he wasn't happy. His jaw clenched so tight, and his hands balled into fists in his lap.

I didn't bother giving him another glance as I turned my back to him to retreat into my bunk to mentally prepare for this team bonding bullshit Matt set up.

Okay, I had to admit. This house was fucking sick.

There were large floor to ceiling windows that looked out onto a beautiful backyard and if you looked past that, you could see the city down below the hill the house was on. It was a large open floor plan with a living room, kitchen, and bar with a pool table off of the dinning room. Upstairs was an open loft area with a large sectional couch and four bedrooms.

While I was in my bunk on the bus, the room situation had been decided by drawing matching straws. No one bothered to ask for me to draw because somehow by the Gods below, Noah was the last to pick and was only left with the color red.

Jolly and Nick.

Bryan and Davis.

Matt and Folio.

Noah and I.

When Folio told me the sleeping arrangements, I wanted to cry in anger. It seemed as if no matter how hard I tried to avoid Noah, something yanked us back together. Folio offered to swap with me but I declined, already deciding that I would sleep on whatever couch was provided.

A warm presence encased around me, making the hairs on my arm prick, and I peered up to my left seeing Noah standing next to me in the house's entryway.

"You can have the bed. I'll sleep on the couch," he said.

I blinked, somewhat surprised that he offered that. I fully expected him to lock me out of the room.

"I'm smaller than you. It might be better for you to sleep on the bed," I offered.

Was I being nice?

My body shivered at the thought.

Noah shook his head then hoisted his back over his shoulder. "Take the room, angel. You're the only girl here. You should have some privacy."

Was he being nice now in front of the others? They all stood less than a few feet from us.

Did I wake up in the twilight zone?

When I went to protest yet again, he shot me a look that caused my lips to pull tight together. We stood in silence for a few moments and I let out a soft breath.

"Thank you."

Noah made a noise in his throat and his eyes glittered as they darted between mine. His large hand brushed away hair from my face and I leaned into his touch, all the pent up anger between us melting away.

The question weighed heavy on my tongue as I pursed my lips a few times.

"Why do you call me angel?" I finally croaked out.

His hand was now wrapped around the back of my neck, the pads of his finger pressing deep into the skin, and shrugged.

"It feels right."

I raised a brow. "What if I don't like it?"

"Too bad. It stays, angel," he dragged out the last word with a large grin.

Irritation flared inside of me but before I could say anything, the warmth around my neck was gone as Noah walked away. I blinked after him, watching as he tossed his bag onto the couch before stepping outside into the large backyard.

"Soundcheck is in one hour!" Matt called out, his voice carrying through the open space.

With that, I forced my feet to take me upstairs to the bedrooms so I could get ready. The only room left was the closet one to the stairs and directly across the long sectional couch. If Noah would sleep here tonight, he'd be able to look right into my room and see me laying in bed. The thought made something ignite in my stomach but I ignored it.

This was the only room with a bathroom attached which made me wonder if the guys purposely gave me this room. As I placed my things throughout the room since we were going to be here for a few days, my phone rang loudly from its spot on the bed as I was in the bathroom and rushed to answer it in time.

"Hello?" I asked breathless

"Hi dear. How're things?"

I smiled into the phone at Lana. "Good. I'm going to be heading to the venue soon to set up. Everything alright?"

"Well," Lana started.

My ass fell into the bed with a groan and prepared myself for what was about to come.

"What happened?"

"Your neighbors found your mother in their bathroom this morning; in their shower."

I pinched my eyes shut with a groan. "Please tell me it was the Johnson's. They know what's going on with her so they would understand. Well, as much as I hoped they would."

"Yes, thankfully. I was able to bring her back home without incidents."

"Good," I let out a long breath. "How is she now?"

"She's fine, in her room resting but-."

"I don't like the sound of that but," I noted.

"Y/N, I know you love your mother and want the upmost best care possible for her."

I nodded. "But."

"But I think your mother would be better in a home where someone can watch and monitor her twenty-four hours of the day. I can only do so much especially when she takes off."

I swallowed the lump in my throat, not wanting to cry. This conversation was one I knew I was bound to have at some point. My mothers Alzheimers was getting progressively worse and soon, I feared there might be a time where I couldn't handle it.

But now wasn't that time.

"I'll think about it," I said after a few beats.

It wasn't a lie, per se. I would think about it, way down the road.

"I'll see if she wants to talk," Lana said.

"No, it's alright. I don't want to bother her."

I couldn't stop the sob that escaped my lips.

"Alright dear. I'll call you tomorrow."

After we said our goodbyes, I let my phone clatter to the floor at my feet then plopped down onto the bed. Tears pricked at my eyes and I dug my palms into them, hoping it would force the tears away. My mom was the most important person in my life. We were all each other had after my father died, so being so far away from her when she needed me the most made the guilt rip me apart.

Was this job worth it? Was the money worth it?

These questions kept replaying in my mine over and over as I laid on the bed staring up at the ceiling. A few tears escaped drying to my warm cheeks. The money was worth it; it had to be. I still wasn't making a lot of money from Only Fans so whatever I made doing this, I needed.

There was a soft knock on my open door and my breath hitched when I noticed Noah leaning against it. How long had he'd been there? Did he hear my conversation with Lana?

I sat up in bed while covertly drying my eyes.

"The manager at the venue said the set up for merch has to be in the hallway downstairs. Is that alright?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, I've been put in weirder places so it's fine."

Noah gave a curt nod while crossing his arms over his chest. I suddenly felt small under his eyes and rose to my feet hoping that watching me gather my things to get ready it would be a silent dismissal. But no, he continued to watch every single movement I made.

"Is there anything else you need, Noah?" I asked with a sigh, finally looking at him.

His black shirt clung to the thick muscles of his arms and chest. His brown hair had fallen into his face in a tousled mess from being on the tour bus the majority of the day.

Noah was breathtaking in every single way, and my core practically begged for some kind of friction.

Not now, traitor.

"Have I mentioned how much I love hearing my name coming from your pretty little mouth?," he mused while licking his own.

My legs squeezed together, my body screaming with that small release against my core, but I refused to let him know how bad he was affecting me.

"Is that it?" I asked.

Noah said nothing as he walked over to my open suitcase and riffled through it, obviously looking for something.

"What are you doing?"

My heart raced as I watched him, knowing that if he picked up that red t-shirt, he would find the variety of sex toys I use for my videos. What he found, though, was something I hadn't expected him to. An old shirt of his that I borrowed from the last tour. It was the second night and Bad Omens played a sold-out show. The crowd was alive the entire night and every one of us was buzzing with excitement. Once we returned to the hotel that night, we all jumped into the outdoor pool even though it was pretty chilly that night. Noah offered his dry shirt to me so I could warm up which at the time I took gratefully.

That night was before the night in Chicago. Before Noah's attitude toward me changed.

It got buried along with my other things after the last tour and forgotten about.

Bullshit.

I may have worn it to bed some nights; so much so that his scent had faded while ago.

Noah tossed the shirt over to me and I caught it just before it hit me in my face. My lips stuttered trying to come up with an excuse because I still had it.

"Wear that."

"Excuse me? I asked irritation lacing my words. "Since when do I take orders from you on what I wear?"

He closed the distance between us in two large steps, his fingers tilting my chin up towards his face. Our lips were so close, I could almost taste the beer he must have had before coming into my room. And the hint of bourbon and spice from his cologne filled my senses.

So warm and familiar.

"There's a reason you kept it, angel. Might as well wear it."

Noah's voice was dark and heavy, laced with something I could pinpoint. His eyes were just as dark as his words and I swallowed hard. My body flared with desire, heat pooling between my legs, and I let out a breathless whine eventually nodding.

"Good girl," he breathed across my lips.

His eyes darted from mine down to my lips where it stayed for a long moment before he dropped his hand from my face then left me standing in the room with a heavy wetness and an ache between my legs.

[witchofsparkles]

Soap groaned in front of the mirror while scrubbing his bloody face with a dampaned rag because washing it with handful of water would make his bathroom look like a murder scene. Which he just came from. And he wasn’t in the mood for more of it.

This time the mission was especially bloodier. Merchaneries popping out of everywhere and bullets flying, only the glint of a very fast knife seen and gurgling voices mixed with screams. They successfully obtained the data they went for, but the cost of it was more nightmares and horror – like always.

After freeing his face from dirt and blood, Soap showered before treating the small cuts on his face and the bullet graze on his left bicep which the meds told him to care for. Soap was already out of the infirmary when he didn’t hear anything about his life being in danger and run for the comfort of his room instead. He could care for it in solitude of the four walls of his bathroom.

He left the shower with a sour mood, nothing he would do now were to solve his post-duty problem. Not before sleeping like a dead man in a coffin for at least 8 hours. With that in mind, he mindlessly stepped towards to the mirror again, to see his face. But he had to bit down on his lips to stop himself from screaming his head off and probably gather every soldier on the base with guns ready in his room. Between the foggy surface of his mirror and the reflection of his face, he could’ve sweared he saw someone else. It was a faint shadow of a white skull, with very alive and brown eyes. When Soap blinked, it was gone.

“I’m losing it this time, ain’t I?��� Soap took a step back from the mirror but his hands were gripping the sink like it was the reason why his life was a miserable mess and his brain was going out of it. “What the fuck?”

After the jump scare of his life, Soap intented to act as if nothing happened and he cleaned his injuries before going to bed. But everytime he closed his eyes, a pair of brown eyes were looking at him througha skull -a skull probably belonged to a very, very dead man. Soap shook his head and sighed into his pillow. If he were not to sleep in twenty minutes maximum, everybody in the base were gonna be in need of a psych eval because Soap was about to start making his own problems everybody’s bussiness.

At the morning, Soap run into Gaz. Gaz eyed him like he saw a ghost. “Man, what the hell? You gonna carry groceries in those bags under your eyes?”

Soap, who couldn’t sleep because of a mind so fucked up that kept showing him skulls and eyes and blood and everything bad, felt his eyebrow twitching. “No, it’s for your dead body if you don’t shut up and let me eat in peace and silence.”

Gaz made him a face while sitting across the table and put his tray on it. “I mean, we all had hell of a fight yesterday but it’s nothing new after 5 years in it and I sure hell am not looking like a mad scientist. And this is probably the first time you wanted peace and silence. Did something happen?”

Soap sighed into his breakfast. He didn’t know why a simple illusion threw him off like that. It was just for a millisecond and his mind was most llikely playing him games after a long day of fighting for his life. But something in that millisecond was keeping his mind busy and his heart heavy. After the first shock of a seeing… ‘someone’ in his mirror, that fear changed into discomfort. Like he had to do something but he couldn’t and it kept him awake at night. He was feeling very dumb for it. Also saying shit like ‘I saw someone in my mirror last night’ in army was a sure way of kicked out.

“Nothing happened. Just tired. Couldn’t sleep.” Gaz didn’t buy it, Soap could see but he couldn’t care less. Before any of them even breathed, they heard Price’s call for them. “Soap, Gaz. Follow me.”

Soap’s mind was occupied but he finally finished what Price wanted –paperwork. And more paperwork. He was actually glad for it, he finally let his thoughts scatter around and picked them up back when he was done. Soap gathered the papers and head for the door but something on the window stopped him. He faced the window, the sun was setting and the orange sky was reflecting on the glass. But it was not the scenery that caused him to stop and look. It was something on the glass -someone. That same face he saw the night before on his mirror was there again and this time he actually stared at it. Then the image disappeared like it came, in no more than a second he was looking at an ordinary window again. Soap’s fists was clenched around the papers. This time the face was there longer than before and he actually stared at the skull. Hell, they locked eyes. In his brain, there was a war going on now: He was seeing things because he was going mad or he was seeing things… because. And he didn’t know which one was worse.

Soap went straight for the bed after that, didn’t even waved back to his friends. His mind was somewhere else and his eyes were unfocused, he only realized he was back at his room when he reached to the door. He muttered to himself. “What is my problem?”

“Me?”

[that-nerd-who-writes-fanfiction]

What do you think are Merlin and Arthur’s greatest personality strengths and weaknesses? Why? What do you love about their dynamic?

Heads up, I’m autistic and this has been my special interest for way too long and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it so this post is going to be a very long one.

My favourite thing about the writing of the show (which isn’t great, but separate issue) is how every character manages to make a complete 180 from the beginning to the end, turning their initial positive traits into negative traits while not sacrificing character development to do so. It’s a skill I haven’t figured out how to use very well in my own writing and envy greatly, but I can talk about it for hours.

For Merlin, his devotion to Arthur is easily his most interesting strength and weakness to me.

In season 1, it’s great because he finds out he has this grand purpose and suddenly all the things he’s struggled with, feeling like a monster, feeling cursed etc, suddenly make sense to him. It’s too much to put on a child (because he’s somewhere between 16-18 at first but that’s never confirmed) but if it helps him to see the beauty of magic and to see more than just “I felled a tree and almost killed a man” -based on the conversation with Will in season 1 episode 4- then that’s great.

So as the show progresses, he starts getting to know more about himself and what he can do, but because his two mentors reinforce that he’s solely tied to Arthur, every good thing he learns about magic is connected to a man who hates and doesn’t understand magic. Also someone who he has to hide from in order to protect himself and not end up on the pyre. At the same time, he also never has a chance to learn about his magic and where it came from like Morgana did with visiting the Druids and Kilgharrah was never exactly forthcoming with information.

I think that’s why Morgana and Merlin’s differences and similarities are so interesting to me, but that’s a different thing.

Anyway, by the end of season 4, Arthur is betrayed by Agravane and we see just how devoted Merlin is to Arthur in all the best ways. He assembles an army, restores Arthur’s hope and belief in himself, saves Arthur’s life while risking his own and then killing the uncle who betrayed him, (the brilliance of Agravaine dying with magic and Merlin simply stabbing Morgana was absolutely amazing, but again, I digress.) he also reunites Arthur with his love, and swears fealty to him despite being ‘just’ a servant.

At the same time, he uses magic to block Morgana’s powers to make sure they can win, and he does this by sneaking back into Camelot in the middle of the night and not sleeping for over 48 hours in order to do it. His devotion to Arthur goes so deep that he’s willing to destroy himself for it. That’s one of the less extreme examples, he does try to die for Arthur multiple times, but you get the point. Even if he isn’t dying, he’s living just for the purpose of serving Arthur and doing anything it takes to keep him safe. Even at the cost of Arthur himself, (not wanting him to choose between magic and his beliefs, which was literally Arthur’s job to choose as a king who’s responsible for all the people in his kingdom)

And he even says this in season 1 episode 13 when he says “his life is worth a hundred of mine” when he believes he’s going to die to save Arthur’s life after the questing beast and again at the end of season five, “I didn’t want to put you in that position”

I’m sleep deprived, please don’t make me recite whole episodes to remember quotes.

I just realised how long this is getting, so I’m going to try and wrap it up.

Anyway, by season 5, Merlin becomes so consumed by his fear of losing Arthur that he completely loses sight of what’s important, returning magic to Albion and ending the purge. I know they said the goal was peace at the end but in season 1, Kilgharrah sort of cryptically said he’d be returning magic. So he thinks Mordred needs to die, but he can’t get Arthur to see that because even if Arthur knew he was going to die by Mordred’s hand, I think he’d probably let it happen and just do the right thing as long as he did live.

Merlin knows this so he feels responsible for keeping Arthur alive by keeping secrets which is ultimately a final betrayal for Arthur in his last days while he’s coming to terms with it. He was more upset about the lies and the deception than the magic, which I’ll get onto in a minute, but Merlin’s solution of shielding Arthur instead of doing the right thing is ultimately what leads to his downfall. (Basically the Disir episode)

That’s a very condensed version, I’m more than happy to do a separate post with a full character analysis going through each major episode and what it says for anyone in the show if you want to see it.

Anyway.

Arthur’s greatest strength and weakness is his goodness and the trust he puts into the people around him so blindly.

In episode 2, he has a conversation with Merlin about Valiant cheating with magic to kill knights. Arthur believes him, albeit cautiously, and Merlin proves him right to do so in the end.

So he knows from the beginning that Merlin is trustworthy and loyal to a fault, but then he starts seeing all the other people in his life believing he’s doing better and opening up to him more. By episode 4, we see Gwen feel comfortable enough to call Arthur out for being ungrateful with Hunnith’s food in Ealdor, we see Morgana repeatedly encouraging Arthur to stand up for what he believes in, even if that belief is different from her own which he absolutely needs and will forever be her greatest act of love for Arthur in my opinion, Uther is slowly becoming less cold towards him too since Merlin came into his life and he started making these changes.

I’ve more to say on Uther, but separate thing.

He loves these people, even if he’d never admit it, so he sees the best in them. Love is blind and all that.

In season 2 episode 8, Merlin chooses Arthur over magic and even Arthur himself when it’s revealed that Uther used magic to conceive an heir. Merlin sets Arthur back in his progress to seeing that magic could be used for good and isn’t inherently evil, but at the same time sets himself up as choosing his side with magic while Arthur has his first betrayal from Uther.

(Arguably from Merlin as well, but one is a young man in a crisis situation, the other was a fully grown adult with all the information available to him and time to think it through before still deciding that a life for a life was worth it)

In that betrayal, that’s the first time that he really has anything negative to say against magic since in his mind, it deceived him and made him almost kill his father. Any hope he has of seeing magic for good is delayed, proven when he tells Merlin he was “confused” and I can’t remember the exact quote but that he’d also lost sight of what was important.

This is set further when Morgana reveals her magic at the same time as she’s revealing that she sides with Morgause, in Arthur’s eyes he just sees that his sister (who is apparently also his biological sister, another betrayal by Uther) has turned to magic and then turned evil. Merlin doesn’t do anything to dissuade this idea other than a few comments of his own guilt about there being people better suited to helping her.

He never questions Merlin on why he believes that because he trusts him so deeply and unconditionally.

If he had, Merlin wouldn’t have needed to confess to Magic. Will in Ealdor could’ve been his excuse for knowing that magic isn’t inherently evil. He could’ve explained that Morgana always had magic, that she was terrified, that he sent her to the Druids to help but Uther would’ve killed them so when Morgause offered her unconditional support and told her that she wasn’t a monster or anything in that vein, of course Morgana latched onto that because it was finally an answer and something hopeful. She did exactly the same thing Merlin did with Arthur, Kilgharrah, and Gaius, and I really can’t blame her for it. Her earlier actions can be justified but from season 4 onwards, there’s only so much I can say to defend her.

But if Arthur would’ve known that, he would’ve been a lot more open to the idea of accepting Morgana’s magic, maybe even learning about it if it meant getting his sister back.

But his blind trust is what gives him this huge disadvantage.

Agravane, a man who’s been completely absent from his life, is immediately given trust because he has a connection to Arthur’s mother. Arthur wants to have a family when his have all either died or betrayed him, so he lets Agravane be his chief advisor and despite several warnings from Gaius and Merlin, he’s still surprised when he’s betrayed by this man he’s never met.

Arthur has this such inherent goodness that the idea of betraying anyone is inconceivable to him. (There’s a joke in there somewhere about Arthur being quite literally inconceivable too)

I’m once again realising how long this post is, I didn’t think it’d get this long so I’m going to wrap it up. If anyone wants more in depth character analysis, please let me know. This is fun.

As for my favourite thing about Merlin and Arthur’s dynamic. Merthur. Basically just the ship stuff and their banter. Also the nuances in their relationship that are fun to read into and analyse but this is already too long so I’m just going to leave it there.

[yellowloid]

my experience at am's show (rock in roma, ippodromo delle capannelle - 16/07/2023)

SO you know the drill by now this is the compulsory recap post i need to write because i'm terrified of forgetting about things and i also have so much more footage this time around (i basically recorded the whole concert while in paris i kinda did but idk i had much less stuff it was my first time so i was just too overwhelmed ajfnwidjsj). you knew it was coming i just needed to sort my thoughts out and i know some of those things have already been said but idc i'm writing them down anyway + i rewatched all my videos so i have a lot to say so LET'S GO

• first of all i want to preface this by saying that it was +40° degrees in rome and gates were opened at 3pm. opening bands started at ~6:30 and am came on stage at 9:40. needless to say everyone was cooking under the sun and slowly losing our collective minds i swear i've never drunk so much water my entire life and still felt like i was shrinking

• it was also my first proper concert standing in a pit + i was lucky enough to have tickets for the closest section to the stage and kind of a decent view despite the fact that i'm literally 5'2

• still i confirmed my opinion that i very much prefer seated tickets (not a big fan of standing in a crowd i must admit) ESPECIALLY when it comes to summer concerts because there was literally NO AIR just weed smoke and most importantly sweat i swear i couldn't breathe. we were fairly close to the stage but at what cost

• i wasn't particularly excited about the opening acts (as i wasn't for inhaler back in may) BUT i have to say they both slayed so hard??? willie j healey was so fucking cute and thoughtful with the crowd (we were under the shadow of the stage but the more far back section of the pit was directly under the scorching sun his whole set and he kept asking if they were okay) and the hives hyped up the crowd so fucking much??? their stage presence was incredible everyone loved them

• the breaks in between opening acts and am were filled with the festival replaying the same harry styles/rosalia/*random italian trapper* songs over and over again and at some point the crowd was about to riot because FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TURN THAT SHIT OFF not even joking when i say we heard the same hs song at least 30 times i swear dante alighieri used that as inspiration to write his inferno

• everyone was sweaty dirty tired and kinda fucked up from the sun and by the time am was about to come on stage i was contemplating my chances of not passing out and praying to god clinging to the bit of energy i still had in me to hold on for just an hour and a half more

• just making it clear this wasn't in any way their fault they came on at the time they were supposed to and everything turned out fine it was just. concerts in rome in the middle of july are.........something

• BUT ANYWAY after hours of us slowly decomposing it was finally time for am!!!!!!!!!

• they opened with sculptures and honestly THANK GOD because (maybe unpopular opinion? idk idc argue with the wall) that is just how it should be. not a big fan of brianstorm as an opener

• alex introduced teddy picker by saying "haven't you heard? teddy is back!"

• he also introduced the view with "let's go back to the very beginning" at which my heard did a bit of a !!!!

• after the view and before 4/5 he randomly went "feeling professional... 🎶 tonight 🎶

• he was feeling sooooo silly the whole show (<3) but he really went crazy with the spoken antics during 4/5

• he clapped his hands as he sang "with coloured old grey whistle test👏 lights👏" which weirdly scratched something just right in my brain

• "and that's unheard of... here in roma or anywhere else for that matter... nobody's done that!"

• he changed the lyrics and went "the only time that I stop laughing is to breathe or steal a kiss" and then proceeded to send a kiss to the crowd

• "four stars out of five... why don't you put that in your [pile]? / four stars out of five... ten times out of nine"

• "four stars out of five... that's right... that's why i like it! 😜" at the very end, said in the most adorable tee-hee way i can't even begin to describe it

• the piano interlude before high was sprinkled with the saddest series of "why... why... why..." ever uttered by man 💔

• after high he said " fantastic! ... what a night"

• "i wanna tell you about a girl that i made up... 💁‍♂️ ages ago 💁‍♂️" as an introduction to arabella

• i'm sure you've seen the video going around but during arabella he noticed a fan was (i think?) crying and asked "are you okay?" before resuming his singing

• "the horizon tries but it's just not as kind on the eyes...... ‼️RRRRRRROMAAAAAAA‼️......... as arabella"

• after the song ended he thanked the crowd by going "good work everyone... jolly good. grazie"

• he thanked the crowd a lot, said grazie/grazie mille a lot, and frequently said roma instead of rome (idk why i found that cute but yeah <3) and his way of rolling his r's when speaking italian was just too adorable i wanted to put him in a blender and drink him as a smoothie

• the version of do me a favour that they've been playing lately sounds slightly softer than the original and i'm all for it. it amplifies the vibe of exhausted resignation that lingers in the lyrics and it just sounds so devastating i love it

• he lifted the mic stand during the song +  pretended to break something in half during the "to start to break in half" line and yeah. that was also what he was doing to my heart

• no he did not have a mullet he just arranged his hair in a way that made it seem like it for a split moment. why did i see people on twitter hoping for the mullet........DON'T GIVE HIM IDEAS

• "tremendous.... thank you 💅"

• also about that rumour going around of him pointing at louise during the "may i call you her name" - he literally acted out the whole line, pointed to himself, then at a random hypothetical you, then sidestage; he was not pointing at anyone specifically + why would anyone want that song dedicated to them lmao like. did the people saying it's romantic read the lyrics or

• also you know who else was in the general direction of him pointing? that's right everybody. mr jamie cook himself. maybe he uses he/she pronouns and alex wants to call someone jamie's name. have you considered that

• okay i'm sorry enough with the bullshit

• he said something during cornerstone and right before dancefloor that i caught on video but i can't really understand what he says so i'll probably end up posting those bits to see if we can figure out wtf he was on about

• "crawling back to you..... ‼️OH‼️ ever thought of calling when you've had a few"

• "🎶 ~rooomaaaaa~ 🎶.... thank you for having us everybody, what a beautiful audience.... soooo predictable i knowwww what you're thinkiiiing"

• he was so obsessed with crooning "roma" every chance he got <3 the silly <3333

• "lone ranger riding through an open space... THANKS A LOT in my mind when she's not right there beside me"

• now a list of random things he does at nearly every show that i still found very endearing:

- the "squeezed me very tightly" bit which is always so 💞💞💞

- "NO! you can't call me her name" with the NO said in the most 'child throwing a tantrum but make it cute' way

- the way he directed matt during the mirrorball intro and matt going 'y'all hear sumn?'

- "5......0......5......"

- him swaying his hips in a way that made everyone's knees buckle in a 10-mile radius

• about the interactions with the others: he didn't interact with them that much, i think he didn't even scissor with jamie during the body paint outro :( BUT we got the directing matt bit before mirrorball + a shout out to tom rowley

• i think in paris i noticed it less because i was seated, or maybe i just noticed it in a different way because i got some different songs (star treatment with the green/purple lights, pretty visitors with the red ones), but still - the lights are incredible and the fact that they create different lighting games for each song (like the blue ones for body paint or the golden ones for am songs) is so cool and fascinating i was mesmerised

• about the crowd: i made the mistake of getting into a telegram group of people who were going to see them and most of them were such casual fans they even believed the fake setlist that was going around a while ago as a joke on twitter 😭 the one with songs like the jeweller's hands. my brother in christ that's never going to happen

there were people going like "if they play r u mine i'm gonna die" and like bruh i appreciate the naivety but it's so painfully obvious they're gonna play it at least have a bit of creativity with your wishful thinking 😔

generally speaking the crowd was really REALLY hyped for am classics and wpsia/fwn oldies, while they were mostly completely dead during the car tracks it was disappointing to say the least. once again i was the only one popping my pussy

• BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS. i was so fucking scared they wouldn't play cornerstone and perfect sense but mostly the latter bc it's much less likely to be played... and it meant so much to me to hear them live, i didn't get either of them at the paris show so i just. ugh. they're in my top 5 am songs if not my absolute favourites and they just mean so much i fucking needed to hear them

• AND THEY PLAYED THEM BOTH. they did it for ME. cornerstone had me so emotional and i'm not joking when i say perfect sense had me ugly sobbing while singing along

• i just. i love that song so much. he just looked so small on that stage singing such vulnerable lyrics, and even tho the crowd was mostly dead (rude if you ask me) he still finished the song by sending a kiss and saying the nth "grazie mille" and i just wanted to hug him so bad i was literally devastated i love him so much

• we also got the jet skis/star treatment/iwby mashup!!!!! most of the tiktok fans had no idea what was happening and kept singing the original lyrics while i once again popped my pussy rapping along with him. i'm so glad he decided to do it and i got to hear it live!!!! it just sounds so damn good ugh

• the setlist as a whole was everything i could've wished for i was so satisfied with it

• the show ended with him sending and catching kisses and just smiling so much i just wanted to tear him to pieces what who said that

• as usual they all sounded and looked INCREDIBLE and alex was just.......... ugh. the most gorgeous of boys. he's so beautiful it makes me SICK. the crowd was literally hypnotised by him, his charm and stage presence is CRAZY and everyone just can't help but stare at him in awe and reverence because his aura is just something else. no one does it like him fr. leaves me speechless every single time

• they're all so fucking beautiful and talented and seeing them feels like a fucking out-of-body experience every single time

• i miss them like air I MISS HIM LIKE AIR....... the pcd is hitting hard and i honestly have no idea wtf i'm gonna do with myself once tour is over and they yeet themselves out of the public scene for god knows how long i don't even want to think about it

• long story short i love them so much it literally hurts it's not even funny and i already want to see them again </3

• also bonus: after the show ended there was a HUGE traffic jam due to the fact that 35k people were trying to leave the place all at once SO we spent the next two hours (TWO HOURS) stuck in the parking lot exhausted dirty sweaty and still dying in the heat bc it was literally 1am but it was still so hot it was hell. then danza kuduro came on the radio and it was so random that was the last straw to send me k.o. for good

• overall crazy experience but yeah i love them so much i want to see them again sooooo bad </3 PLEASE COME BACK </3333

• so yeah that was my experience at rock in roma i hope you enjoyed my ramblings xx

[apprenticestanheight]

Home - Peter Strahm x gn! reader

OOOOOOKAY!! It's been a while yet since I wrote for anything in the saw fandom but I rewatched saw four today while working on a couple of things to sell via facebook marketplace and then this idea rose from the ashes that have been my saw obsession for the last few months, which, as it probably will every single spooky season from here on out, has come back in full fucking force.

Fic type - this is, for all intents and purposes, fluff!

Warnings - the reader is a crocheter!! if that counts?? also this unedited because I wanted to post before getting some other writing stuff done oops

Peter smiles softly as he turns the key in the lock and opens the front door to his home. If there is to be any guarantee in recent, it's that he'll come home to you at the end of the day. It's nice for that to be a guarantee in at least some respect, the one on his mind that week being that the Jigsaw case can finally be put to rest.

It's been a long road of twists and turns, near deaths and too many near misses to count, but it's worth it, he decides. Almost dying but making it out, making it home to you, is more worth it than not. It has to be.

His grin widens as he pushes his shoes off his feet, takes off his coat and walks down the hall. He takes a right and ends up in the living room, wants to be surprised to find you where he does but is completely and totally the opposite.

"Have you moved at all today?" He asks, unable to stop the fondness in his tone. "I swear, you were sitting in that exact spot when I left for work this morning."

You laugh a little bit, shaking your head. Peter is unsurprised to see you in the same corner of the couch you'd been in when he left that morning, working away on the blanket you'd been commissioned for two weeks prior.

"I've moved at least a few inches," you murmur. "You know how I get when I get focused."

Peter nods, moving to sit next to you on the couch. "When you're focused, you become both an unstoppable force and an immovable object," he says. "I love that about you. Have since before we were married."

"I'm glad for that," you murmur. "Almost as glad as I am to be done with this blanket--the customer asked me to use cotton yarn and I hate the way it feels on my hook."

"Why'd you accept the commission, then?"

"Because eighty hours of work paid at a living new jersey wage, plus yarn cost and the cost of my time to put this together has made me a grand total of five hundred fuckin' dollars," you smile softly. "I love that this can be my job. I love you, Peter Strahm, so fucking much."

"Because the FBI pays me a good bit, or just generally?" You'd owned the house the two of you were living in, had no mortgage payments or anything as you'd inherited the house from an aunt who'd died of old age the decade previous, and Peter was happy to take on most of the expenses after working for two and a half decades in nursing had burned you out to a point of near nonrecognition.

It had been six months since you'd decided to go with early retirement and so many days were just like that one, where you'd get up early and brew the both of you coffee while Peter made the both of you breakfast and the two of you talked about your days to come. Crochet had always wormed it's way into yours and Peter would always grumble about work, but you knew that things had finally started to get easier as the jigsaw stuff died down.

"Both," You answer. "My love for you is simultaneously full of merit and completely absent of it. I just wake up most days knowing that marrying you is the best decision I've ever made."

Peter smiles at your comment, and you let him kiss you sweetly, savoring the feeling of his lips against your own.

Your quiet life is a good one, one you wouldn't trade for a damn thing.

[metalmusicwhore]

vent post kinda? or maybe it’s a rant idk just feelings ig AUUGHH

I really REALLY don’t wanna fucking go back to school I’m actually so stressed out. I have like no friends even the ones I do have I haven’t talked to like all summer and this fucking cheer team im on is gonna be the end of me I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD. The girls are so fucking rude I have no ABSOLUTELY ZERO friends on the team nobody fucking talks to me the coaches yell constantly ANDFUCKING SINGLE ME OUTLILE MAAM MISS GIRRL THIS IS SIDELIND FUCKING CHEER IVE BEEN A COM CHEERLEADER FOR OVER FIVE YEARS DO FUCKING TELL ME HOWW TO DO SHIT YOU SAW ME AT NATIONALS DONT DO THIS SHIT TO ME YOU FUCKING WHORE IHATEYOU STOP FUCKING TELLING ME THIS IS HARDER THAN COMP CHEER ITS FUCKING KOR AHEOEBAMDD

I really wanna quit the team but I fucking can’t my parents won’t let me because they’ve already payed for it like I know it costed hella money but don’t you think my mental health and me still being alive matters more DONT YOU THINK THAT YOUR OWN KID YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD MATTERS MORE THAT PAPER WTF ACTUALLY WTF IVE BEEN DOING THIS SHIT FOR YEARS I WANT A BREAK IM SO TIRED OF IT EVERY TEAM IVE BEEN ON THE GIRLS ARE RUDE LAST TAM I WAS ON WAS BETTER BC I HAD MY BEST FRIEND BUT I MOVED AWAY AND NOW INHAVE NOBODY I CANT DO THIS SHIT ANYMORE LIKE I ACTUALLY CANT

MY MENTAL HEATH IS DEGRADING BC OF THIS MY SH PROBLEMS ARE COMING BACK AND I CANT EVEN TELL MY PARENTS BC THEY FUCKING YELL AT ME SAYING THAT IT HURTS THEM MORE THAT IT HURTS ME LIKE HHHUUUUUUUUUHHHHH WTF DO YOU MEAN YOU DICKHEADS WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE ACTUALLY WTF

IM SO TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY I CANT GET AWAY FROM IT SSSIIGH HUGE FUCKING SIGH I JUSST WANT THINGS TO GO BACK TO NORMAL I JUST WANNA FEEL NORMAL BUT I FUCKING CANT IM LOSING SLEEP OVER THIS IM MOT EATING BC IM SO STRESSED ABOUT EVERYTHING

My parents tell me “you’re only a teenager you have the rest of your life to look ahead you don’t need to be stressed about anything” YES I DO YES I FUCKING DO YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO STRUGGLE LITERALLY STUGGLE TO NOT KYS EVERYDAY YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO GET MADE FUN OF FOR HAVING SH PROBLEMS YOU DONT KNOW WHAT UTS LILE TO HAVE UOUR OWN BROTHER RAT ON YOU ABT YOUR SH AND HAVE YOUR PARENTS YELL AT YOU FOR HOURS NOT EVEN HELING JUST YELLING AND MAKING YOU FEEL WORSE ABOUT EVERYTHING

THERES NOT GONNA BE THE REST OF MY LIFE IF THIS SHIT KEEPS UP I CANT EVEN TALK ABOUT IT MY MUM FUCKING LAUGHS IT OFF AND SAYS IM FUL OF SHIT LIKE I CANT HAVE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES BITCH I FUCKING DO IVE HAD THEM FOR YEARS YOU FUCKING FAG WHY DONT YOU BELIVE ANYTHING I SAY AASUUUGGHHHHAHAKEHKWAOJDLSKALS MAKES ME SO MAD SO FUCKING MAD I CANT PUT IT INTO WORDSAAAAARRRGGGGGGGGAGAGEUJEJEKWKWORJDJN

I actually can’t fucking do this anymore I’m trying so fucking hard not to kms rn I’m so scared to do it but I can’t live like this anymore I can’t even talk about it without being yelled at I need help but I’m scared to talk about it with my parents BIGGEST FUCKING SIGH I HATE EVERYTHING RN I CANT BE HAPPY I CANT BE SAD I CANT DO ANYTHING PLEASE JUST KILL ME NOW IM NOT FUCKING JOKING ITS MY TIME TO GO ITS BEEN MY TIME TO GO IVE SERVED MY TIME ON THIS PLANET JUST FUCKING KILL ME ALREADY ITS NOT THAT FUCKING HARD PLEASE IM BEGGING AT THIS POINT I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS

[laneynoir]

In response to your request for writing ideas:

Anything featuring Boromir

Young Legolas sees Rivendell for the first time

Gelir hangs out with Radagast (yes, they were friends and I still need to write HCs about this)

Sam interacting with Boromir (I also sent this suggestion to Callon recently)

And a big hug because everything will be fine! ❤️🫂

I'm gonna write the rest of these in seperate posts and just tag but

Complete.

Boromir/reader Word count: 1001

Me on my way to drop this screw up: 🏃

Also this gets a little suggestive? I didn't mean to I swear.

Boromir just missed you.

The crack of wood breaking against wood echoes across the training grounds, multiple sparring matches stop and curious expressions are turned to the youngest who is similarly shocked, staring at the her opponent while holding a splintered training stave.

Breaths are quiet in the still morning, wisps of fog in the air more shallow than they've been since dawn. Suddenly the silence is shaken by a lifted chin as You speak, "Through that entrance ma'am, tell the man exactly what has happened and he will deal with you."

The short woman nods, only the faintest hint of a tremble wracking her body, it is quickly replaced by set shoulders and a steel exterior. When the door closes, You raise an eyebrow at the remaining students. "Standing still will not help you, back to the beginning, position one of Haradrin's style, now."

A flurry of movement answers your command, each studant eager to please, as well as desperate to not be sent off as well.

At the end of another hour, only one more trainee has broken his weapon, he looks near tears when he stiffly walks through the ornate door. Shortly after you announce the end of the session, and dismiss the tired looking youth.

With a sigh, you stretch your now sore arms, gather your gear, and head home. You too your head to the guards that you recognize in the halls, and grin when the two sent away from the training session catch your eye. "And how are the two of you?"

The young woman shakes her head. "Sore and recovering from severe fright, I thought I was being kicked out!"

"I did as well, that was a crule trick, splitting the swords so they would brake after striking in the right way enough."

You take on an expression of fake insult. "Hey now, those took a while to do properly! And really, I do like to see how my students can handle dissapointment, the wrong reaction in a fight can cost you your life."

A few moments later sees you at the entrace to your rooms. The door creaks when you open it -it always has, but since it is on pitch you never fix it- the area beyond empty, so you take the opportunity to pout at the absence of your husband.

At least he cannot poke fun at the length of the bath you take, for it is a good thirty minutes before the water has cooled ariund you and you drag yourself from the water. With vindictive pleasure you pull Boromir's largest sleep shirt over your head, after all he cant use it if he's not here.

With that depressing thought, you set to making a small dinner, and your hands are covered in flour when the sound of horns comes from beyond the window. There is a brief momment where you freeze, and then you are running to the door, slinging a cloak on against the cold.

There is a guard at the door when you arive, they do not speak, simply pulling at the handle and smirking as you race past. The paved pathways are a blur beneath your bare feet, and you take no notice of the occasional stones that prick at your toes.

The gates are already open and soldiers filter in on horses, there is cheering, but it seems quiet. Chestnut curls sway, snatching your attention instantly. You vault over the last flight of stairs, landing already in a dead sprint.

Boromir grins at your approach, steadying his mount, and when you reach his side he reaches down and pulls you up into his lap. He smirks, "Miss me?" You mumble a very eloquent 'shut up' before using his hair as a means to pull him into a deep kiss.

He pulls away, barely, and rests his head against your's. "And here I thought you wished never to make a spectacle of yourself?"

"I havent seen you in six months, heard from you in one and a half," You mumble, "For all I knew you could have been dead. I'm alowed one spectacular display under the circumstances."

"Well this display is one I wish not to see."

You grumble but accept Farimir's hand down. Boromir pulls him into a hug. "As you say my brother. I have missed you."

"Aye," Farimir smiles. "But you've missd y/n a bit more, and in a different way. I'll attend to your horse, you are long over due a bath."

"He's right." Boromir's second in command quips from behind you. "You smell like shit," He pauses and bows without loosing his grin. "My Lord." When Boromir frowns, he waves a hand. "I will take care of the report, tend to what's your's, unless you'd rather I?"

Without a word Boromir swings you out of your stance and into a bridal carry. You yelp, but he ignores your protests and continues in the same fashion until the door to your apartments is firmly shut. Once it is, he puts you down, only for you to find yourself pinned against it with a very very attentive husband attacking your lips. "You know he wouldn't have really. He was only goading you into taking some free time."

He makes a humming sound before nipping at your bottom lip. "Will you be joining me in removing the four from my hair?" You gasp as his attentions turn to your neck. "Do not sound so shocked dear one, as you come before me and my unit dressed in nothing but my shirt and cloak for all to see."

Oh. For you had, in your (compleatly reasonable) haste forgotten your currant wardrobe. " 'Suppose its all yours then," you place a finger against his lips, "Oh no no, it's your's after dinner." You wrinkle your nose. "And a bath, your brother's right you smell horrid."

[karahalloway]

A Leviathan Surprise

Fandom: TRR

Series: None - this is a one-shot

Pairings: Maxwell Beamont x Bertrand Beaumont (nothing sexual - just brotherly love)

Synopsis: Maxwell unveils a larger than life surprise for Bertrand's birthday

Word count: 1,200

Warnings: Posh British swearing, using the Lord's name in vain, oversized squid

A/N1:��This is my off-the-cuff submission for Day 4: Friends and Family of the inaugural Maxwell Beaumont Appreciation Week, hosted by @maxwell-beaumont-appreciation.

A/N2: The idea for this one-shot was actually born back in December when @maxwell-beaumont-appreciation reblogged this post by @fictionangyl featuring the cover photo and the question 'Think Bertrand would approve of a little redecorating at Ramsford? 🤔' and the general consensus was 'no' 🤣 But I got inspired by the pic and the comments and decided that I had to immortalise this visual in a fic, because it was too perfect to pass up!

A/N3: I know I normally write in first person POV, but this drabble came to me in third person, so here we are 😇

A/N4: Since Bertrand is 33 at the start of (Un)Common Attraction, I guess that means that this fic takes place 3 years before the start of the social season.

A Leviathan Surprise

Maxwell was giddy with excitement.

Scratch that.

He was positively bursting with anticipation!

Bertrand was going to be home any minute now, and the young Beaumont could not wait to surprise his older brother with his... Well, surprise.

It was Bertrand's birthday, after all...

And even though Bertrand hadn't wanted a fuss made, much less a party thrown — because, let's face it, they were broke — when one of his thousands of Insta followers had tagged him in a post featuring this jewel of divine inspiration, Maxwell had known: THIS was it... the perfect birthday present for his brother.

The fact that it had cost the better part of an arm and a leg and had required several hundred dedicated man-hours to accomplish was besides the point.

Bertrand was going to love it!

And that's all that mattered.

Because this year — of all years — Bertrand deserved to be treated. And a bit of financial bother was not going to stop Lord Breakdance from properly commemorating his brother's epic milestone.

The big 3-0.

Bertrand was now officially (and irreconcilably) a grown-up.

So what better way to celebrate (or commiserate?) than by killing two birds with one stone?

The painting gallery had always held a special place in the Beaumont brothers' hearts. In large part because it was where their mother's portrait hung — young, beautiful, full of life, she beamed out at the viewer even though it was against the conventions of formal portraiture.

But then, their mother had never been a stickler for the rules...

...probably why everyone said Maxwell took after her.

But a dreadful summer thunderstorm last year had sent a 100-year old oak tree crashing through the roof of the wing of the House that the gallery sat in, leaving an unsightly hole in the ceiling. Which — even though it had been patched — had never been completely made new.

We have more important things to allocate our meagre funds on, Bertrand kept reminding him every time the subject was raised.

Well, no longer!

Maxwell had taken matters into his own hands — raising a chunk of the money through livestreamed charity breakdance-offs with prominent YouTubers, and receiving the shortfall via a last-minute cheque made out by a well-heeled benefactor — to not only bring the painting gallery back to its former glory, but to improve it!

Bertrand was going to love it.

He was sure of it.

In fact, he had never been more sure of anything in his life!

...apart from the time he had bought an entire ostentation of peacocks so he could perform a peacock wedding.

Because what better way to celebrate the fact that these beautiful birds mated for life?

...or was the swans...?

It didn't matter. The point was that Maxwell had become ordained so he could perform the ceremony of the two fowl becoming one with the necessary sanctity and gravitas.

And his brother deserved the same level of commitment and dedication to detail as those beautiful birds had gotten through the course of the two-and-a-half hour long marriage affair.

Just with a lot less poop.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Maxwell!" cried Bertrand, storming into the picture gallery. "What in the blazes is so urgent that it couldn't—? Oh, good God...!"

The elder Beaumont froze as he laud eyes on the centre-piece of the newly renovated space — the gargantuan papermaché kraken that sat suspended upside-down from the ceiling like some nefarious, overgrown bat, waiting to pounce (or fall?) on its unsuspecting victims.

The ominous creaking of the wires that held in in place didn't help matters either.

"Happy birthday, Bertrand!" exclaimed Maxwell, rushing up to crush his big brother in a celebratory hug. "May your—"

Bertrand deftly sidestepped the ill-timed PDA to thrust his finger accusingly at the ceiling. "What... in the name of all that is holy... is THAT?!"

"Your birthday present!" grinned Maxwell, completely unfazed by his brother's rapidly twitching eyelid. "Do you like it?"

Bertrand was visibly trembling. "It's... it’s..."

"Gorgeous?" prompted Maxwell. "Glorious? Utterly res—?"

"IT'S AN ABOMINATION!"

Maxwell's face fell. "Oh."

"What in the devil possessed you to conceive of, let alone spend money — money which we do not have, might I add! — on such a massive piece of macabre monstrousness!"

"I thought you'd like it..." Maxwell muttered sheepishly.

"Like it?" Bertrand spluttered incredulously. "I’d like to clobber you over the head with it! I'd—!"

A lone sniffle escaped the younger Beaumont...

...and Bertrand's shoulders fell.

"Oh, bugger..." he muttered under his breath.

Stepping up to what was left of his family, he laid a consolatory hand on his sibling's shoulder. "My apologies, brother. That was crass of me. I shouldn't have—"

"You hate it," lamented Maxwell, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"No, no!" objected Bertrand quickly. "I... I was simply caught off guard. It's not everyday that you see a giant cephalopod dangling from the ceiling."

"It's okay if you hate it..." whispered Max. "I... I'll just get it taken down and—"

"You will do no such thing!" admonished the elder Beaumont. "You've already frittered away God-knows how many hundreds of guilders on—"

"Thousands," corrected Maxwell.

"Thousands?" squeaked Bertrand, going deathly pale. "Oh, dear Lord in Heaven...!"

"2,375.97 to be exact," clarified Maxwell. "And that was just the materials."

Bertrand wheezed asthmatically.

"But it was all funded by charitable donations."

Bertrand snapped his head up. "Charitable? Donations? Who in their right mind would—?"

"Fund the creation of a one-of-a-kind avant-garde art installation?" asked Leo, stepping out from behind a neo-Greek pillar.

"And spend hundreds of man-hours elbows-deep in papermaché and glue?" added Chris, emerging from behind a curtain.

"Not to mention risk life and limb trying to attach the damn thing to the ceiling..." grumbled Drake.

"You?!" demanded Bertrand with wide eyes. "You were behind this?"

"We... may have contributed our respective skills-sets," admitted Leo with a sly smile.

"If by 'contribute' you mean 'got press ganged'..." muttered Drake.

"But it was all Maxwell's idea," added Chris. "He organised the fundraising, the equipment, the workmen, even the tea and biscuits."

"Those were good biscuits..." agreed Leo with a far-away look.

Bertrand turned back to his brother. "You... you project managed this shambles? By yourself?"

Maxwell shrugged. "I had to keep it a surprise."

"Oh, you silly muppet," sighed Bertrand as he wrapped his brother into an uncommon embrace. "There's hope for you after all..."

"So... does that mean you like it?" asked Maxwell, hope sparking in his baby-blue eyes.

"I... I think it may be a somewhat of an acquired taste..." admitted Bertrand with a shudder. "But I'm proud of you, brother. You finally showed me that you have what it takes to be a true Beaumont."

"A hereditary obsession with squid?"

"Pluck," smiled Bertrand, clapping his younger sibling on the shoulder affectionately. "And that is the best birthday present a brother can ask for."

Permas:

@twinkleallnight @lovingchoices14 @kingliam2019 @petiteboheme @aussiegurl1234 @queen-arabella-of-cordonia @tessa-liam @alyshak92 @secretaryunpaid @princessleac1 @walkerdrakewalker @angelasscribbles @nestledonthaveone @tinkie1973 @twinkle-320 @knaussal @nikkis1983 @lunaseasblog @ficloverevie @indiana-jr @differenttyphoonwerewolf @xpandass420x @eversoaringqueen12 @peonierose @3pawandme @alexabeta @veebug8 @fangirling12566 @queenmiarys @lancelotsimp​ @coco-lina-s @lolablackwrites @ivyflowers13 @persephone13 @hollygirl1269 @adri-ja-96 @harleybeaumont @katedrakeohd @uneravine @choicesficwriterscreations

[codename-mom]

Moving

Summary: Do you remember the fact that Garcia has access to all her colleagues files? It means that she also can see everytime there is a change on it. Now, imagine that she discovers one of this change way before everybody, even the main person involved. Like Hotch, for example. 

Characters: BAU team

Contents: it’s supposed to be a cute and fun fanfic about the found family trope, but like everytime it’s about Hotch, it’s not that simple. TW: anxiety, depression, mention of suicidal thoughts

At first, I wanted this text to be written for the CM Family Challenge, but as the word family is not even mentioned, I post it just for the fun.  

PS : English is not my mother language so they are necessarily mistakes. Sorry about that.

___

Hotch had never liked confrontations between him and Erin Strauss – for the simple reason that they often led nowhere, except to further aggravate the situation between them – but this summons at this early hour of the day did not appeal to him. After his dismissal, arbitrary according to him, his whole personal life had gone to hell and he was now in a particularly uncomfortable position. A position that he would have preferred never to live and that he suffered without knowing what to do to repair what he had probably broken without wanting to. So he didn’t need to add to that a heated face-to-face with someone who couldn’t stand him. The section chief glared at him as soon as he stepped over the threshold of her office.

-        “The HRD has just sent me your request for housing. Your house is not enough for you anymore?” she harpooned him without passing by the forms of politeness.

Aaron raised an eyebrow, puzzled.

-        “Why did the information come to you?”

-        “Because I am your supervisor and any request for secondary housing must be approved by someone in my position.”

A swear word crossed his mind. He hadn’t thought for a second that the administrative machine would stab him in the back. Indeed, he had hoped to deal with the problem that was plaguing him without anyone at Quantico knowing anything about it, believing it was none of their business. His job and his position had required him to discuss it with the human resources, but he had counted on their discretion not to share the information with the upper floors. He had simply left out of the equation that what was valid for his subordinates was also valid for him. He held back from raising his eyes to the sky, this gesture of irritation could be misinterpreted by the person in front of him, who resumed:

-        “Why do you ask for an apartment in the city center?”

-        “… Because I have to free the house,” he said, suppressing a sigh.

-        “Why? Do you have cockroaches? Do you have to redo the plumbing? Tell me about it.”

Strauss was clearly the last resident of the building he wanted to vent to about what was happening to him, but he knew she wouldn’t let go until she had all the facts.

-        “The house is fine. I just can’t stay there.”

-        “Why? Stop beating around the bush and be more clear, damn it!” she thundered, planting her fists on her desk.

They were standing, separated by a good two meters, their eyes focused on their opponent, holding back to blink of an eye. As tense as each other, they controlled their every move so as not to provoke the hallali. Any profiler on his team could have compared them to two dominant predators, masking their weaknesses as best they could so as not to be devoured by the other. Nevertheless, the giant was at a distinct disadvantage at this time and, even if it cost him, he had to bend his knee to get his way.

-        “I have to leave so that Haley and Jack can return,” he confessed, lowering his eyes.

-        “… What’s going on?” asked Erin as she sat up.

The level of tension in the space dropped abruptly and was replaced by a strange atmosphere of curiosity and embarrassment.

-        “I think you’ve already figured it out,” the BAU director elided.

-        “What happened? Is it because of your layoff?”

-        “No, Hotch lied, avoiding prolonging this painful discussion any further. But I need this place. Haley can’t stay at her sister’s house indefinitely, especially with Jack on her hands.”

-        “I’ll do what’s necessary; Strauss hesitated, settling back into her chair. If there’s anything you need…”

-        “Only your signature, thank you.”

                 A few days later, the giant was in conversation with a unit director on the other side of the country when Penelope burst into his office without warning.

-        “Why do you need an apartment? Oops! You’re on the phone,” she noticed immediately.

He saw her turn back, her nose in her cleavage.

-        “… I’ll call you back, said her superior before hanging up. What are you talking about, Garcia?”

The luscious blonde swiveled around, red in the face, and lined up a series of words at light speed:

-        “The HRD has just given you a new address, in the center. I checked, it is a building, which means that you will be living in an apartment.”

-        “Why is the HR director telling you this?” Aaron frowned, confused.

The analyst opened her mouth to answer when the landline phone rang. At a glance, he realized it was a human resources person, so he decided to pick up.

-        “Himself. … Okay. When? … All right. Thank you, sir.”

He hung up under the anxious gaze of his employee who was nervously fiddling with a corner of her pale yellow vest.

-        “I don’t know if I should be appalled or impressed that my technical analyst knows about my new address before I do,” he said, divided.

-        “So, it’s true?” the interested party bounced, omitting the real crux of the problem.

-        “Garcia, how did you know?”

-        “Are you really moving downtown?”

Hotch squinted, trying to determine if the young woman was consciously ignoring the point that was bothering him or if her fire-breathing mind was preventing her from realizing that it was wrong for her to know this information before anyone else. Unless it was her heightened empathy that was totally diverting her attention from this inconsistency. Either way, he recognized in her demeanor and expression the anguish that gripped her throat when she sensed something negative was happening to someone she cared about. Given his resolve to keep his personal problems as his only concern, he thought about lying to her for a brief moment before facing the facts that he didn’t know what to say to her to explain this sudden relocation.

-        “Apparently.”

-        “But isn’t a house better for the three of you?”

The director responded with an evocative silence, and he saw her made-up eyes open wider as her brain made the necessary deductions.

-        “Oh, my God! Don’t tell me that… she exclaimed before her voice choked in her throat. You and Haley…? You’re divorced?”

The analyst had only really met his wife once, but the two women had gotten along well despite a somewhat stormy start. At a few parties afterwards, they had met again and their relationship had seemed friendly but polite. Hotch deduced that Penelope felt more sorry for him than for her. However, despite the sincerity of this reaction, he couldn’t possibly elaborate on the details of the situation. That was his and his companion’s business.

-        “Not yet,” he replied, feeling his own throat constrict at the possibility.

He and Haley had known each other since college, and while he had some difficulty talking to her at first, obsessed with her beauty, they had quickly become inseparable. She had been by his side during all his years of study and then at his beginning as a federal prosecutor. She had supported him when he wanted to join the FBI and congratulate him when he took over the BAU. She was an integral part of his life. Giving up her presence was like ripping out a lung.

-        “What do you mean “not yet”? Not at all! scolded Garcia, tapping her foot on the carpet. What is this attitude?! You cannot divorce!”

-        “Garcia, lower please,” he commanded as he saw the heads of the staff sitting outside turn toward his office.

-        “Sorry, she said immediately. You… you’re really going to accept this?”

-        “Not if I can avoid it, but I’m not the only one to decide.”

-        “But, I mean, what’s the big deal? You’re both so cute.”

Married for nine years, he had returned one day from a mission to a house emptied of its occupants. Furious at having given so much without getting anything more in return than an ever-growing indifference, she had taken their son under her arm, a few things, and gone to her younger sister’s house. Tired of seeing her husband gradually turn into a human being she no longer recognized, without being able to do anything to stop it, and disappointed to realize that he would rather go to the other side of the country to arrest a serial killer than help her change Jack’s diapers or vacuum, Haley had slammed the door and was determined not to return. Not while he was here anyway.

-        “What happened? Penelope wanted to know, distraught. Don’t… don’t tell me that…”

-        “What?”

-        “That you went elsewhere?”

The idea that he might have been unfaithful seemed to revolt her, and he felt outraged at once that she thought him capable of it. Raised by a resigned mother and a fickle father, Aaron had always made a point of not betraying his marriage vows. So he immediately reassured her.

-        “As if I had time for that. I barely have time to see my own wife, so another one…”

-        “Is that the problem? The fact that you spend all your time here,” she understood with a sincerely pained look.

-        “Garcia, please. What happens between Haley and me is personal.”

While he appreciated the compassion his employee showed him, he was not in the mood to talk about it further. Not only was he still suffering from the situation, but he felt that this was not the time or place to talk about it. Not to mention that despite all the affection he had for the ex-hacker, he didn’t think their relationship allowed for such confidences. He didn’t want to know anything about her intimate life and didn’t want her to know about his.

-        “Yes, of course, she conceded, before adding. It’s just, you are someone very important to me and, as with all people important to me, I don’t like to know that you are sad.”

-        “That’s… that’s nice of you, Garcia, but… these things happen,” he stammered, faking a smile to appease her.

From his comfortable leather chair, he saw Garcia’s tears threatening to roll down her plump cheeks and felt the foundations of his resolve shatter. He clenched his teeth to keep up the pretense, but not being as cold as he was trying to make people believe he was won over by the empathy of his interlocutor and felt a weight fall on his chest.

-        “What about Jack? If… if you divorce, who gets custody?”

-        “His mother, he answered without hesitation. She’s on a fixed schedule and is unlikely to get shot.”

-        “And you, what will you have?”

-        “Probably not much.”

This was unfortunately the sad reality. Beyond the fact that he was perpetually on the move, on a random schedule, and could work up to twelve hours straight at the office, he was also likely to get shot every time he embarked on a new investigation. Conditions that were definitely not conductive to raising a two-year-old child who needed constant attention. Haley had all the arguments in her pocket to tip the balance in her favor, without having to try to pity the judge or anyone else. And if she added the fact that he had been neglectful of her for several years, she would win hands down.

-        “Sir, you’re going to make me promise, Garcia continued, her eyebrows furrowed. I want you to fight to preserve your marriage and, most importantly, to make sure Jack always knows who his father is.”

His throat tightened more than ever. He understood the reasons for her request – she had been raised in a foster home and had lost her parents when she was just eighteen – but he couldn’t guarantee her such a happy ending. All he had going for him was a stable financial situation – provided his superior didn’t push him out – and that was about it. The odds were clearly in favor of this woman he loved to death. But, despite his constant angst about being a passable father at best, he loved his son deeply and the thought of not seeing him grow up was crushing to him.

-        “Come on, I want to hear you!” the bespectacled blonde stormed as he remained silent.

-        “I promise, I’ll do the right thing,” he said, unsettled by her authoritative tone.

-        “Good, she punctuated, regaining her smile. When are you moving?”

-        “Today.”

-        “What do you mean by that?”

-        “The owner is expecting me at four.”

-        “And do you have someone to help you move?”

A shiver ran down his spine as he realized where this conversation was headed. Without knowing it, he had just put his finger in a trap which was going to devour him all if he did not find a parry quickly.

-        “… No, he confessed, on his guard. But I only have a few boxes.”

-        “Are you telling me that, tonight, you’re going to move, all by yourself, into your creepy apartment?”

Penelope squinted, suddenly angry at her supervisor who, in her opinion, was not behaving properly. As solitary as she was sociable, Aaron preferred to do this thankless task alone rather than disturb anyone else.

-        “You don’t even know what it looks like,” he rightly pointed out.

-        “As long as you don’t have Jack or Haley with you, it’s bound to be sinister.”

-        “… Thank you,” he mumbled, not knowing how he should take such a reflection.

-        “Permission to help you move in, sir?” she asked as she stood at attention.

Hotch sighed. It was obvious now that she would not give up so easily and that, driven by her desire to support her fellow man, she would insist until he gave in. He, on the other hand, was determined to do the job alone.

-        “Garcia, there are three boxes to move.”

-        “I’ll let you manage the storage of your underwear, I promise.”

-        “Garcia.”

Derek’s head popped up at that moment in the doorway.

-        “What’s going on here?” asked the former policeman with a discreet smile on his face.

-        “Nothing,” the BAU director grumbled as he sensed disaster looming on the horizon.

-        “What do you mean “nothing”? Garcia has been gesticulating in your office for twenty minutes and nothing is happening. Are you serious?”

-        “He doesn’t want me to help him move tonight,” said his colleague, giving the owner a reproachful glare.

-        “Move? Move to where?”

-        “Oopsy daisy,” the analyst shouted, turning pink.

-        “Garcia…”

The giant took his head in his hands, desperate. He liked his team very much and appreciated even more the good cohesion which reigned between them, but their propensity to regularly cross the limits of the private life of the ones and the others always put him somewhat uneasy. Especially when he became the central subject of the discussion.

-        “Haley kicked you out?” the newcomer surmised, widening his eyes.

-        “No, I’m vacating the house so she won’t be living at her sister’s with Jack, he corrected at once. It will be more convenient for her than moving into an apartment.”

-        “Wait, Penelope raised an eyebrow. How many people know that there’s trouble between you and Haley?”

-        “There was only Morgan.”

Hotch would have preferred that no one around him knew about the wreckage that had become of his intimate life, but the agent must have noticed the subtle changes in his behavior over the past few weeks and worried about it with him. For some reason, he’d put his cards on the table, crossing his fingers that he wouldn’t go spreading the news all over the sixth floor. And, obviously, he had held his tongue.

-        “And you are moving in tonight?”

-        “All alone!” exclaimed Garcia, outraged.

A new head poked out the doorway. Emily Prentiss’ this time, her eyes wide with curiosity.

-        “What’s going on?”

-        “Nothing,” Aaron and Derek replied jointly.

-        “No, not nothing! Grumbled the first arrival. This is serious!”

-        “Penelope,” tried to soothe her co-worker and friend.

-        “There is no Penelope or Garcia, she rebelled before directing her attention towards her superior. Only to imagine you all alone in your empty apartment, that depresses me.”

-        “What? What is about this apartment? Interested immediately the brunette, with a mutinous smile. Do you have a bachelor apartment?”

-        “If only, sighed her colleague. The truth is much less festive.”

-        “The truth? What truth?”

The tenant of the office opened his mouth to begin his argument and try to control the disaster in progress, but two new onlookers burst into the space.

-        “Okay, Spence and I are wondering what you’re up to, JJ explained, with Reid confirming behind her with a vigorous nod. What do you prepare behind our backs?”

-        “Nothing,” spat the giant, who didn’t appreciate the turn of events at all.

-        “Hotch and Haley have split up and Hotch is moving into a shabby apartment by himself tonight.”

-        “Garcia!”

-        “What? At least it’s out in the open, the young woman replied with a shrug. And you didn’t have to reveal the failure of your personal life yourself.”

Aaron felt as if an anvil had fallen on the corner of his head and all the sudden stares were exacerbating the feeling of embarrassment and shame that was now choking his chest.

-        “Maybe I shouldn’t have said that,” Penelope realized, however, breaking the heavy silence that had fallen over the place.

-        “No.”

-        “Sorry.”

-        “Wait, is that true? Worried Emily, in a much more serious tone. Is everything she just said true?”

-        “… Yes”, he reluctantly admitted, unable to look up to face the judgment of his subordinates.

-        “And when were you going to tell us about this?” inquired JJ, her eyebrows furrowed.

-        “I don’t know. I didn’t think it was any of your business,” he said, controlling the sound of his voice to its usual firmness.

In the open space next door, Dave had meanwhile come out of the elevators and pushed open the heavy glass doors to discover the premises emptied of its occupants. He had raised his nose and seen that a significant number of heads were gathered in the office of his cadet. Attracted by this singular situation, he had followed in the footsteps of his colleagues and had entered in his turn.

-        “What was not our concern?”

-        “His separation from Haley,” Prentiss declared without a moment of hesitation.

-        “Ah, there you go, you told them,” the former BAU director responded placidly.

-        “I thought only Morgan knew,” Garcia noted, confused.

-        “I didn’t say anything to Dave.”

It was the real truth. The man who had once recruited him had joined the team after Haley had slammed the door, and he had immediately noticed the lack of interaction between him and his wife as had always been the case when Aaron had been under his command. Divorced three times, he had no trouble making the appropriate deductions.

-        “I guessed by myself, like a big boy.��

-        “And you also knew that he was going to move in by himself, like a big boy?” retorted the analyst, still upset about this decision, absurd from her point of view.

-        “No, but that doesn’t surprise me about him.”

-        “Well, I find that unacceptable!”

-        “The same!” said the ambassador’s daughter, crossing her arms over her chest.

Dave smiled in amusement, which he found even harder to hide when he met the disillusioned gaze of his, now, supervisor.

-        “If there is to be a move, it will be with us,” Penelope decreed with a fierce determination.

-        “There aren’t enough boxes for all of you,” Hotch pointed out, dejected by this uncontrolled spike.

-        “But where are your boxes?” asked the other blonde of the team, much calmer than the first one.

-        “In the car.”

He didn’t dare add that they had already been there for several days. He was still sleeping in what had been his marital bed for years, but he had gathered his things as soon as his wife had made it clear that she would not go back on her decision. The house was in his name, but it would have been very wrong of him to keep it on the pretext that he was the one paying the bills, knowing that there were two of them and he was the only one. And if, legally speaking, he had the right to claim the usufruct; he didn’t feel like staying in the middle of nine years of memories of an obviously fake happiness.

-        “Okay. What’s the address?” questioned Emily, ready to put on her jacket and head over to the location.

-        “No, wait, he objected to try to regain control of the situation, the papers are not even signed yet.”

-        “When do you have your appointment?”

-        “Four PM,” Garcia replied.

-        “Okay. We’ll be there. In front of the elevator, so you can’t get away,” Prentiss said, her eyes squinting.

The three women on the team stared at him defiantly, while Dave and Derek watched the scene with an expression closer to amusement than compassion. Aaron appreciated the fact that they weren’t even trying to figure out why his relationship was breaking up, because it was more than likely that the female trio would suddenly take his wife’s side. However, he guessed under this eagerness to want to help him, a latent concern about his current state of mind. Until this day, he had always been careful not to present the least fault to his entourage, but the quintet of profilers was surely not completely fooled on his fragile colossus side.

-        “Okay. Stop. Everything is fine, he reassured them. You don’t have to come with me. I… It’s all right. I’ll be there tomorrow.”

-        “You’ll be there tomorrow, because we’ll be with you tonight,” Penelope proudly asserted, while her neighbors nodded in support.

-        “… Dave, please,” he begged with a sigh.

-        “Ah, don’t look at me like that. These are your children.”

Cornered, Hotch sat back in his chair as his team looked on. He knew he wouldn’t get help from any of the male agents in the room, and that their female counterparts wouldn’t let him go until they got their way. And as he had absolutely no argument to oppose them, except that he did not wish to disturb them – which was apparently not the case – and that he preferred to be alone to face his decline – which was the least of their concerns –, he resigned himself in a long sigh.

-        “… Okay.”

-        “Yeah!” said the whole group, including Morgan and Rossi.

-        “Everyone at three o’clock in front of the elevator,” JJ ordered, pointing to the exit door for her teammates.

The herd left the place while conversing noisily, ignoring all at once the presence of their leader while talking about him. This last hoped until the last moment to be able to give them the runaround by taking advantage of a moment when they had gathered in the kitchen space to discuss around a coffee, but agent Jareau watched out and delayed the elevator before gathering all her comrades. A smile in corner, she addressed to him a shrug of eyebrows which said a lot about her thought. Once in the parking lot, the feds dispersed into two vehicles: Dave sat next to the one he had once trained in, while the others piled into Emily’s car. About an hour later, they parked at the foot of a plain building with a thick, old-fashioned red carpet on the first floor.

-        “Aaron Hotchner?” asked a man waiting for them down the hall.

Of medium height, with light eyes and sparse hair, he was watching the group of people walking towards him with a puzzle look.

-        “That’s him,” said Derek, pointing to Aaron, who was trying to keep order in his suite.

-        “Hello,” he greeted the owner, holding out his hand.

The man clutched it without being able to take his eyes off the invaders. In his defense, he had expected only one person and now he found himself facing a small unruly crowd.

-        “Which way is it?” asked a blonde with fuchsia pink glasses and cat ears in her hair.

-        “Garcia,” called her to order Hotch.

-        “What? I’m thinking of the ones carrying the boxes,” she said, pointing to Morgan, Rossi and Prentiss.

-        “Who are you?”

-        “His analyst,” Penelope pompously declared with a smile up to her ears.

-        “What?” said the owner, worried.

The future tenant guessed that he had absolutely no desire to redo the paint and the carpet, nor to pick up the pieces in case it occurred to this man, followed home by his psychologist, to cut his life short. The BAU director could have explained to him that this was not quite what he thought, but preferred to get to the point.

-        “Where is the apartment, please?”

-        “By here,” indicated him his host extending the arm, his glance always attracted by this strange procession.

-        “Sorry about… that.”

With a discreet nod, Aaron pointed to his subordinates who were chatting happily, Spencer spilling information about the building’s architecture to his closest neighbors, Jennifer and Dave, while Derek was gargling with Emily and Penelope.

-        “Will they all move in with you?”

-        “I hope not,” Hotch said immediately, feeling a chill run down his spine.

The owner frowned, perplexed by this epidermal reaction.

-        “These are my colleagues.”

-        “It was nice of them to come and help you,” he said, regaining a semblance of smile.

-        “Yes and no.”

-        “Why do you say that? Most of the time, friends disappear when people move.”

-        “Sure, but I think they’re there mostly because they’re extremely curious to see where I’m going to live.”

-        “What makes you say that?”

-        “Half of them are empty-handed.”

By reflex, his interlocutor looked again in the direction of the carriers and indeed realized the reality of things. Although there were enough boxes for everyone, only some of them were doing this task, their leader even having a box under his arm. Holding back a comment, he redirected his attention to the future occupant of the premises and displayed a commercial smile.

-        “This way. Come in,” he urged, opening the door.

Aaron was the first to enter the semi-dark apartment. All the blinds were up, but the lights were off and the building next door darkened much of the space. The furnishings were basic but practical, with a small chest of drawers in the hallway, a couch facing a low-end television, a dining table surrounded by a few chairs, and a fully equipped kitchen, all in the same room.

-        “At least it’s on the first floor. You won’t hurt yourself too much if you jump out the window,” Emily threw in with a smirk.

-        “What?” chocked the owner, frightened.

-        “Please, do not listen to her.”

The rest of the team quickly moved in, opening doors and cupboards well before the main man. The latter adopted his usual behavior when his flock acted in a way that propriety did not require: he feigned indifference. The headmaster was still unsettled for a few moments and then, as Aaron began to ask him questions, obliterated from his thoughts the presence of the free electrons that were flying around him. A quarter of an hour later, the director of the BAU signed the papers and the owner left for home, crossing Garcia on his way. This one had indeed gone out for a reason which escaped her supervisor and she returned beside him, the air more cheerful than ever.

-        “Take a look. I have prepared your label for your mailbox.”

She then presented him a small white card with “A. Hotchner” surrounded by little pink hearts and a glittery German Sheperd. Under other circumstances, he would have appreciated the attention, but he felt a strange dizziness.

-        “… Thanks, Penelope, but I think I’ll stick with the basic label.”

-        “You would have preferred the little dinosaur, right?”

-        “We’ll say that, he abounded before advising the big stile at two steps of him. Reid, what are you doing?”

Spencer was standing in front of the few shelves hanging on the wall, stacks of books set beside his long, bent legs. If there was one thing Haley had left him without bargaining, it was all the books he’d been carrying around since his college days, plus the ones he’d acquired during his profiler training. Nothing that had aroused his wife’s curiosity and which she logically had no intention of bothering with. In the middle of all these academic and professional works, there were some more recreational tomes that he had not had times to leaf through for years. The youngest member of the team had taken them all out of the boxes and stacked them in a very precarious balance.

-        “I put away your books, he answered naively. What classification do you follow?”

-        “What do you mean by that?”

-        “There are many ways to arrange books in a library. Some arrange them from smallest to largest, others by author or publisher, he said quickly, his hands fluttering in the air around him. Or by category. Then there’s the question of whether you arrange your books from right to left or left to right. Personally…”

-        “Reid, do whatever you want,” Aaron interrupted him, not wanting to deal with the issue at this time.

-        “But, it’s your home now and my storage system doesn’t need to be…”

-        “Put the books on the shelf.”

-        “Okay,” he punctuated, his eyebrows furrowed.

Hotch knew he wouldn’t be satisfied with such a basic action and that he would end up following some sort of tidying logic, but he didn’t really care. Especially since a discussion between the girls caught his attention more.

-        “Oh, what’s this movie?” shouted Emily as she popped her head out of the boxes with a DVD in her hand.

-        “It’s the best movie ever!” exclaimed Penelope, almost jumping over the couch to grab the trophy.

-        “Let’s see, JJ borrowed it, wrinkling her nose. Never heard of it.”

From where he stood, Aaron recognized the cover of the movie he and Garcia had watched the one time she had come to the house. What started as a simple conversation where he tried to reassure her of her abilities, ended with a night of TV watching this little-known but beloved feature film. The script was on a Post-it note and the dialogue was absurd, but each viewing revealed a new amusing detail. And even though he knew it by heart, right down to the jokes hidden in the middle of the end credits, he was never bored watching it.

-        “Sir, we need to show them this masterpiece,” suggested the computer expert as she awkwardly stepped over obstacles to come to him.

-        “Well… aren’t you supposed to leave after you’re done going through my boxes?”

-        “And let you spend the evening alone here? Reacted Emily, outraged. No way!”

-        “You said it!” her female colleagues nodded vigorously.

Reid and Rossi watched him without saying a word, their mouths open and smirking respectively. Hotch, whose heart was pounding against his ribs, was not feeling well. He hadn’t anticipated that his entire team would encroach on his living space, let alone that he would have to spend the evening with them. Not that he had especially organized anything to occupy the few hours before he went to bed, but he knew, above all, that he had absolutely nothing to welcome six people, in addition to himself, as it should be.

-        “No, wait. At first…”

-        “At first, nothing! Penelope cut him off energetically. We won’t leave you alone tonight.”

-        “Dave,” he called out to his mentor.

-        “How old are you in this picture?” he replied, taking out a frame from another box.

If Jason Gideon, although often head in the clouds, had always had his protective side towards him, David Rossi had a more provocative behavior, resulting from his sarcastic and solitary temperament.

-        “You’re not going to help me?” his cadet understood, holding back a sigh.

-        “No,” he confirmed with confounding confidence.

-        “Morgan!”

Derek, who had disappeared from his field of vision for far too long, reappeared almost immediately, walking quietly from the hallway into the apartment.

-        “It’s for Jack, the room at the back?” he assumed, pointing with his thumb to a room invisible from where Aaron was.

-        “Yes, I asked for an extra room so I could accommodate him properly, he explained quickly. But that’s not why I called you.”

-        “What’s going on?”

-        “Girls don’t want to leave here.”

-        “What?” the ex-police officer raised an eyebrow, puzzled.

-        “No, we’ll leave, but in the morning,” said Prentiss, lifting her chin.

-        “Tonight, we stay with our favorite boss so that he doesn’t get depressed,” Garcia added with the same pride.

-        “I’m not going to get depressed,” he gritted his teeth.

-        “Maybe because you already are,” JJ remarked, fixing her blue eyes on his.

-        “No, Hotch denied as firmly as he could. Derek, say something.”

Since he knew that he could not count on the intervention of his oldest and youngest collaborator, he naturally turned to the last one left. Their agreement was not always as its best, but he hoped for a semblance of male solidarity.

-        “What’s the program?” he inquired, turning his dark gaze on the female trio.

-        “Either we take him on a pub crawl until the first light of dawn,” began JJ.

-        “Either we watch this masterpiece of the seventh art all together after ordering from the Chinese,” continued Emily, holding up the DVD in question.

-        “In both cases, we don’t let go of him,” Penelope finished, with a smirk.

-        “What do you like best?” Derek asked, turning to him.

The giant felt a new dizziness, but his legs did not give away under him. In frustration and anger, he retorted:

-        “Neither of them. You’re supposed to get them out of here, not encourage them.”

-        “Except that I agree with them.”

Aaron closed his lids so they couldn’t see his eyes roll back into their sockets. Extending his breaths in and out to calm his panicked heart rate, he tried to think of all the options available to him now that he was officially alone against everyone. Crossing this night alone was now impossible, so he had to think about what he could do to avoid being considered the most unfit host of the Creation.

-        “So, what do you choose?” shook Prentiss, impatient.

-        “I wouldn’t go on a pub crawl.”

-        “You don’t have to drink.”

-        “No one will be doing the bar crawl. We have to be up and running tomorrow,” he reminded them as they seemed to have forgotten it was only Thursday.

-        “I’ll call the Chinese,” JJ reacted serenely, pulling her cell phone out of her pocket.

A decision to which no one objected, despite the countless time they had found themselves with this type of food in their hands during an investigation. A choice that was not always a choice, since, due to their extended schedules, they often had dinner at ungodly hours when the Asian caterers were the only ones still open.

-        “Where are your plates?” the analyst hailed him from the back of the kitchen.

The agents had scattered back into the main room, putting their noses back into his possessions, but raising them again at the call of their colleague. A flash of lighting crossed their supervisor’s chest.

-        “… There is no plate. Nor any dishes, in fact,” he admitted, his cheeks reddening.

-        “What? And how were you going to feed yourself?” Emily questioned logically.

-        “Buying dishes, to start with.”

-        “But didn’t you get your stuff back before you left?” stressed Morgan, confused.

-        “Yes, I did. They’re here, he said, before adding. All the dishes belonged to Haley.”

A general silence greeted this precision. Once again, he had played the honesty card. Since it was not something he thought he would ever have to worry about, he had let his future ex-wife choose everything they needed to eat and drink, as well as the linens and furnishings. In fact, he had left the place with only his clothes, books, movies, toiletries and a few mainly decorative odds and ends under his arm. A detail he would have preferred they never discovered.

-        “A day of shopping is in order,” JJ said as she picked up her phone to check her schedule.

-        “No, let me handle this.”

-        “No, no, no, Prentiss rebuffed him before taking a professorial tone. At a housewarming party, it’s tradition for guests to give away everything they need.”

-        “Girls, it’s time to take notes on everything that’s missing,” Garcia said with a chill in her step.

Before he had times to stop them, the three girls began frantically rummaging through the boxes and inspecting the furniture even more thoroughly. The four men watched them without daring to move a finger.

-        “You won’t stop them,” Hotch muttered, as if he feared attracting the attention of dangerous predators.

-        “No. I value my life,” Morgan replied, stepping aside to let JJ pass.

In the end, the team spent the evening quietly with Aaron, watching funny movies while eating noodles and gyozas. Their superior’s anxiety quickly subsided as he noticed that his impromptu guests did not mind not having cutlery or glasses to eat from. Focused on the images on the passably good screen, they joked with each other, indifferent to the lack of space – while Derek and Dave were each on a chair, everyone else was packed tightly on the couch, with Spencer sitting on the armrest – and the destitution of the place. Under other circumstances, this deplorable reception would surely have been frowned upon, but his subordinates had the intelligence to put things into perspective and obviously didn’t hold it against him. When they left, early in the morning before sunrise, they greeted him warmly and were just as cheerful when they returned to the office afterwards.

               Friday went by smoothly and the weekend arrived at the right time. Hotch took the opportunity to make some necessary expenditures and get the few things he really needed out of the boxes. As for the rest, there wasn’t enough furniture in the apartment for him to put everything away anyway. Then Monday came and Aaron returned to Quantico with a calmer mind. His new walls were still foreign to him and the silence still weighed on him, but he was less idle than when he first moved in. A temporary relief that disappeared as soon as he stepped into his office, which was overrun with beautifully decorated packages. He immediately went out to address his team, which was already complete despite the early hour.

-        “What is this?”

-        “Gifts. For your new apartment,” said JJ with a big smile.

-        “But…”

-        “Open them first, you’ll grumble later,” Emily sent him, a sneer at the corner of her lips.

The BAU director hesitantly turned around and entered his den. Very quickly, he felt the presence of the agents at his back, who were scrutinizing him with a singular greed. After having put his bag on the bench, he chose a package at random, of a consequent weight. He discovered there half a dozen books on very diverse subjects.

-        “I found you didn’t have many, so I bought you some new ones, Reid told him, with a joy that was hard to contain. I’ve been picking and choosing to make sure there’s at least one you like.”

-        “… Thank you,” he replied, wondering when he would have the time to read Tectonic Plates, from Pangea to the Present or The Higgs Boson, History and Latest Developments.

Putting the books back in the box, he opened the smallest of the pile, which turned out to contain a bottle of whiskey. He didn’t need to rack his brains to find out who had given him this.

-        “It’s an excellent year, said the buyer. You can invite me to discuss it.”

-        “Sure. Thanks, Dave.”

He put the bottle on the cabinet where his administrative files were and directed his attention to two huge packages on which “fragile” had been written in big, bold and red on all sides. Inside, piles of plates and glasses in dizzying quantities.

-        “It’s homemade, but it’s dishwasher safe,” Prentiss proudly declared behind his back.

-        “You have all the sizes, including the gravy boat and coffee cups with their bowls,” JJ continued, with the same pride.

-        “I didn’t ask for that much,” he stammered, facing them.

-        “You didn’t ask for anything, in fact, the ambassador’s daughter tackled him. But now you have enough to invite up to eight people.”

-        “We counted; it fits on your table.”

-        “Eight, Aaron repeated, quickly doing the math in his head. So you, plus one person.”

-        “Jack, shouted Penelope. And for him, open this gift.”

She showed him the last box, the flashiest of the lot. The only one surrounded by glittery wrapping paper and several yards of multi-colored ribbon. Hotch had sincerely hoped it was a shipping error, but somehow he was reassured to learn that what it contained was not for him. But that didn’t stop him from feeling his insides tighten as he opened the box. He soon pulled out a whole set of Justice League and Cars tableware, as well as linens and pajamas as a bonus. He felt a vertigo as he estimated how much this one package had cost.

-        “Did you buy all this?”

-        “We made a common pot,” reassured Garcia, delighted.

-        “We took the dimensions of the bed, everything should fit perfectly,” JJ taught him.

-        “You’re allowed to bitch now,” Emily suggested, mockingly.

In truth, Aaron was torn between two powerful and opposing emotions. All of his expensive gifts warmed his heart and significantly lightened the weight that had been weighing on his mind for several weeks. But, at the same time, he couldn’t ignore the uneasiness that compressed his ribcage as he imagined what could have gone through the minds of his subordinates so that they could have been led to make such purchases. Except for Dave who was older than him, all the others were younger and yet, at over forty, he had received as much as a teenager leaving the family nest. Halfway through his life, he felt like he had to start over. As his eyes began to burn, he diverted his own attention and said:

-        “… And you, Morgan?”

-        “Oh, he was with us,” Penelope admitted, grabbing his arm.

-        “To curb their ardor. Without me, they would have robbed the entire mall.”

-        “Don’t exaggerate,” the brunette snarled, slapping his free shoulder.

-        “You were ready to buy him plates with little flowers on them.”

-        “Those plates were very beautiful,” objected JJ seriously.

-        “And the little spoons…” bounced Prentiss, with an ecstatic smile.

The female trio then began to discuss the service with superlatives and playful exclamations, without paying any attention to the men in the room, who were reluctant to remind them that they had not bought it. Hotch realized that the man next to him had probably been subjected to this kind of excited babble the entire time he had been with them.

-        “If that doesn’t deserve a raise…” Derek noted, as if he had guessed his train of thought.

-        “It should be possible to consider.”

But the girls abruptly calmed down and returned to the present moment to turn to their superior.

-        “Well, are you happy?” questioned Emily again, her fists on her hips.

-        “�� Very, he said, controlling the tremor in his voice. Thank you very much.”

-        “Great! Let’s got put everything away at home now,” Garcia offered, grabbing a large portion of the books.

-        “Yeah!” exclaimed Prentiss as she tossed Jack’s belongings loose in the box.

Before he could say anything, his team cleared his office of all the packages and their containers, and rushed to the elevators to load their personal vehicles with their loot before speeding off to his new address. Hotch and Rossi were still in the office when the elevator doors closed silently.

-        “Reassure me, you killed all the others?”

Aaron laughed briefly at his mentor’s characteristic dark humor and replied in the affirmative with a smirk. Dave squeezed his shoulder and they left the premises at a leisurely pace, aware that, in any case, the furious horde before them would not be able to enter the apartment without the keys their leader had in his pocket.

[mamabirbsnz]

Okay I’m gonna vent again. Sorry folks, but I’m fucking LIVID right now.

If you’re here for snz, just ignore this post. For those who care and are willing to listen… idk leave advice or something nice in the comments

Also I suck at organizing all of my thoughts in order, so I apologize if this shit is all over the place. Adhd brain :P

tw: ableism, struggles with depression and anxiety (and also autism and adhd), ED’s, transphobia/homophobia, LOTS of swearing (I’m fucking mad what the fuck do you expect?), s/h

I fucking hate not being taken seriously. I try so fucking hard to act professional and serious in my workplace, and just silently doing the work I’m supposed to do. I swear to god, as soon as they find out I’m Autistic from either myself or someone else in the workplace, they think I’m fucking incapable of working reasonable hours.

This is how my job hunting process goes. Go on Indeed.com, find a job that looks interesting. Apply. Usually the interview process goes well for me. Land the job, do the job. Everything goes well at first. Give it a month at least, and suddenly my hours are getting cut. With no explanation. And now I’m only working up to 3 hours a week making no fucking money in my redneck fuck ass town. So what do I do? I look for a new job. Update my resume and apply. And the cycle continues.

This has been happening with EVERY. FUCKING. JOB I GET. “Oh, it’s just labor costs :/“ THEN THEY TURN AROUND AND HIRE LIKE 10 MORE PEOPLE!!! FUCKING WHYYYY?!?!?! IF IT’S REALLY ABOUT THE LABOR COSTS THEN STOP! FUCKING! HIRING! I DON’T GET IT!!!!

ALL I WANT IS TO MAKE MONEY SO I CAN LEAVE THIS FUCKING DOGSHIT CONSERVATIVE STATE AND MOVE TO SOMEWHERE WHERE I CAN BE AT PEACE! WHERE I CAN SMOKE ALL THE LEGAL WEED I WANT, AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING SHOT EVERY TIME I GO OUTSIDE FOR BEING QUEER!!!

Speaking of which. I had wanted to tell my dad that I was bisexual for a while, and only recently built up the courage to tell him, “I’m bisexual.” His response? “No you’re not. And you better not turn into a [transphobic slur that rhymes with “granny”] or I’ll disown you :)” I have no fucking idea why my dad is so fucking triggered by the existence of trans people. Not to mention the fact that I said literally NOTHING about trans people or being trans in that interaction.

He also acted this same way when I was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 14. My older brother also has Autism, although he is higher on the spectrum, therefore his symptoms are more severe and “obvious.” My dad refuses to believe that both of his children have Autism. When I was in high school, I went to an Autism awareness rally with my dad and my brother, and I talked to the people there about Autism and how I had been recently diagnosed (recent at the time). My dad butts in and says, “You do not have Autism, what you have is fucking lazy ass syndrome ‘cuz you won’t get a job.” In a public space. With tons of people around. So I was about to fucking cry because my god damn father just humiliated me in public, and at that point I just wanted to go home.

I try. So fucking hard. To work on myself. To work on my physical health by remembering to actually eat. To work on my attitude when I upset people or if I’m just too negative. To work on my appearance and making sure I remember to shower regularly. And to work on my work ethic, which I think has been pretty damn good thus far. And I STILL. Have my hours cut. I haven’t had a fucking shift since LAST THURSDAY. And I have NO upcoming shifts AT ALL this week!!!

It fucking infuriates me that I’m willing to put in the hours and get none, and the fucking minors that work there hate their job and get more hours than me. My weight is starting to go down again because I’ve been laying in my bed doing fucking nothing but sleeping and not eating due to me being trapped at home in my depressive state. I am already severely underweight, and I have been for a majority of my life. Anybody who takes medication for ADHD knows the struggle of keeping your appetite up. I have to force myself to eat when I don’t feel hungry.

My mom worries so much about me, and I hate making her worry and making her cry. It hurts to think about because my mom is such a nice lady and has done so much for me, and I feel like I’m just throwing everything away. I already fucked up in college. I would constantly avoid my responsibilities and would just play video games to escape it. But I couldn’t keep running forever… and my grades tanked, and I would… scrape my wrist with my car keys to punish myself. It kept happening again and again where I would avoid everything and keep hurting myself, and I eventually tried to move on to knives. But as I picked up the knife I saw the innocent look in my dog’s eyes across the room, unaware of what I was about to do to myself. It was at that moment when I realized I couldn’t do it… I couldn’t bring myself to use the knife… So the school year ends, and I flunked out, and even then my mom helped me cope with it and reassured me that I’m not a disappointment to her. I seriously don’t deserve her, she is so thoughtful and patient with me. I want to live… for her… And I want to do better in life… it’s just so unfair that the world keeps treating me like a child when I actually try to go out and get a job and try to fucking make something useful of myself… I just want to contribute something to the world, and spend my time being fucking useful for something… I don’t want to die on this planet as a fucking loser who couldn’t even get through her first year in college.

I just want to be treated like a fucking equal. Like a human. Like an adult. Is that so much to fucking ask?

Thanks for listening if you care… good night…

[thefallennightmare]

Miracle-twenty

*gif created by me. feel free to use, simply give credit*

Pairings: Noah Sebastian x Reader

Warnings/Tropes: forced proximity, slight enemies to lovers, slow burn, smut, angst, fluff, mentions of death, and swearing.

Summary: Reader is the merch girl for Bad Omens. It wasn't what she wanted to do with her life but when her mother got sick with Alzheimer's, reader took a job where she could to help with the costs. She thought it would be a one-time gig but the longer she was on the road with them, the harder she fell for Noah Sebastian; even if he wanted nothing to do with her. She needed a miracle to save her mom and her future.

Author Note: A little light smut for now! Basically, all that it's going to be is smut with a side of fluff for the last few chapters.

Tags: @ada-clarence @nonamessblog @thescarlettvvitch @malice-ov-mercy @crimson-calligraphyx @theoneandonlykymberlee @yumikitten @blackveilomens @cherrymedicine13 @thebadchic @notmaddihealy @jay02bo @beaker1636 @jakekiszkasguitarpick @punk-pr1ncessxoxo @er3nslovergirl @iamdesolate @lma1986 @jessitpwk @themodern-daywednesday @writethrough @bngurngheart @dreams-that-are-anwsered @loeytuan98 @omens-in-reverse @loverofagoodbeard @jay02bo @niicoleleigh @tearfallpixie

The door in front of us unlocked before Noah led me through the threshold, his fingers linked with mine; the ones that weren't wrapped up in gauze. When the lights clicked on, I blinked a few times at the sudden brightness and looked around. I'd been here a few times but now, this time was different. I wasn't here for a party or to hang out for a few hours. I'd be staying here, for how long I wasn't sure.

Noah and I had spent the last few hours in the hospital getting checked out. While Noah's injuries were mild, just a little smoke inhalation, mine were worse. The burns on my hand would heal eventually with some special cream and I had to keep it wrapped. Even though I fell on top of Jolly and Nick, I still bruised my hip and tweaked my elbow. The worst was the amount of smoke I inhaled. Doctors were concerned and wanted me to stay for observations, but I immediately denied. All I wanted was to go home and find comfort in my bed.

Home? I didn't have a home anymore.

Hours later and two different medications for the pain, I was standing in the middle of Noah's living room unsure what to do or where to go. I was exhausted, hungry, and in desperate need of a shower but still felt awkward as I stood there.

"How are you feeling?" Noah asked as he searched for the answer in my face.

I thought about lying, saying I was fine, but with what happened tonight the relationship between Noah and I changed immensely. He deserved to know the truth about everything even if it wasn't something he wanted to hear because it would worry him.

"My throat burns from all the smoke and my hand stings," I sighed quietly.

The doctor said the burning in my throat might last for a few days so I should try not to talk or strain my voice so much. Noah also was dealing with pain in his throat but I was so fucking thankful they didn't have any upcoming shows for a few weeks, enough time for him to heal and rest. It was bad enough that someone snapped pictures tonight of the fire with the guys there and posted them online, the last thing I needed was to be blamed for Noah not being able to perform.

"Why don't you head upstairs and take a shower? I'll make us something to eat then we can rest in bed all day?" Noah suggested with a slight twinkle in his eyes.

"I don't want to impose, Noah. This is yours and Jolly's place. I'll be out of here as soon as I find something."

He brushed a finger along my jawline and I shivered under his touch.

"I've already told you, angel. You can stay as long as you want, don't feel you have to rush out of here. We can figure all this out one day at a time, okay?"

With tears in my eyes, I reluctantly nodded then picked at the grey sweats that the hospital loaned me. "I don't have any clothes."

Noah made a mocking look over me from head to toe while tapping his chin. "I think you're just about my size. I've got some clothes that will fit."

I playfully smacked his chest with my good hand. "You're hilarious."

"Come on, I'll show you to my room and I'll get some clothes for you," he linked our fingers together then led me up the set of stairs to the upper level.

Noah pointed to a room on the right saying it was Jollys room then when we stopped in front of a closed door, he turned to look at me.

"I should have asked if you're comfortable staying in my room with me," Noah said.

The thought of us sharing a bed together made my stomach flip.

"As long as you're fine with me invading your space."

He gave my hand a squeeze. "It's going to be hard getting out of bed in the mornings now that you're here with me. Also, my room might be a mess. I haven't had the chance to unpack from the festival."

I smiled warmly at him. "I can handle a little mess, Noah. Have you seen my life?"

While I thought it was a funny joke, Noah did not.

"Sorry, bad joke," my lips pulled in a tight line.

Noah let me walk inside first and I nearly gasped at what I saw; a clean, tidied up bedroom with a suitcase perched right in front of his closet.

"If this is your definition of a mess, then I would really like to see what you consider a disaster," I chuckled.

Noah brushed a kiss across my forehead before he began rummaging through his dresser to pull out some clothes for me. It was a large Bad Omens hoodie and a pair of black joggers that were long because of Noah's height.

"What, no panties?" I teased with a wink.

Noah's eyes darkened and pulled me into his chest. "Fresh out but I'm sure you'll be fine without them for a little while."

I audibly gulped at how dark his voice had gotten and felt my core twitch with need. It's been so fucking long since I had a release and I wanted some sort of friction.

But the exhaustion of the day outweighed how horny I was.

"I don't have any toiletries or anything," I said, quickly changing the subject.

Noah turned me back to the open doorway of his room and gently patted my ass. "Bathroom is across the hall. There are extra towels in the closet and should be a new toothbrush in the drawer closet to the toilet. For now, you can use my stuff in the shower; top shelf. Tomorrow we can run to the store to buy you some things."

I raised a brow at him. "You thought of everything, huh?"

"If I wasn't afraid of you falling asleep in the tub, I'd run you a bubble bath with candles and all that shit," Noah smirked while running a hand through his hair.

"So romantic," I pressed a kiss to his cheek before walking across the hall into the bathroom.

Once the door was shut I glanced in the mirror and inwardly cringed at how I looked. My hair was covered in shoot and reeked of smoke. The burn on my hand needed more ointment and a new bandage but figured I would wait till after my shower; which would be hard to do with one hand. It felt weird to strip naked in the guys' bathroom and shower in a place that was so private.

The hot water washed away all the events of today, swirling down the drain, as I thought about where my future was headed. The guys all said that I could have my job back if I wanted it and honestly, I did. Now that I had nothing holding me back, I was ready to get back on the road to focus on my career. It wasn't something I expected I would do when I dropped out of college to help my mom but knowing that I was getting to do this with people I cared about; I wasn't complaining.

Holy shit, no wonder why Noah smelled so fucking good.

As the shampoo rinsed from my hair, I thought about how my relationship with Noah drastically changed. In the beginning, I wanted to take things slow but now realizing what he would do for me; I was ready to jump right into this with him.

And jump right into him.

My cheeks burned as thoughts of Noah standing in this shower with me creeped into my mind and I squeezed my thighs tight, hoping it could curb the desire.

With a sigh, I shut off the water and stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around me. I dried my hair with another when a knock sounded on the door.

"Angel?"

Opening door a crack so I could peak through, I raised a brow at him.

"Jolly's going to order us something for breakfast. Anything specific you want?" Noah kept his eyes on my face, not letting his gaze drop past my chin.

It was then I realized how late, or early morning, it was so I shook my head. "I'm fine with anything.

He smiled and went to turn away but his name fell from my lips as I called after him.

"Could you help re-wrap my hand?" I held up my injured hand while opening the door farther.

Now, Noah's eyes dropped to the towel wrapped tightly around me. "Do you want to get dressed first?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "It's nothing you haven't seen before, Noah. In person and with pictures and videos."

A red hue crossed over Noah's nose and I smirked at how cute he looked when embarrassed as he stepped into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. As he took old of my arm to undo the wrap around my injured hand, I stared up at him through lashes.

"When did you find my Only Fan's page?"

Noah hesitated for a moment, halting putting on the medicated ointment. "I found it during the first night at the Airbnb."

My eyes doubled in size. "You knew about it for that long?"

"Wait," I said again when a frightening thought slammed into me. "Do you still have an Only Fan's account?"

"No," he said with such sternness in his voice while dropping my newly wrapped hand to my side. "I deleted my account the second you left. It was wrong of me to say those things about you then to go back on your page to watch it just didn't feel right."

"I deleted my page," I reassured him.

Noah reached around to grab a brush then began brushing my hair. The sweet action made my heart swell and I let my eyes flutter shut at the feeling.

"I would have been fine if you wanted to keep it, I understand why you needed to start it."

"I don't need it anymore. Plus, it would feel wrong posting on there now that were-." My words trailed off, unsure what to call us.

Noah set the brush down then raised a brow at me. "What are we, angel?"

I shrugged while holding the towel closer to my chest so he lifted my chin up towards him. "I'm yours; never stopped. I know I've apologized before but I feel like it hasn't been enough."

"I accepted your apology, Noah. There's no need to continue apologizing," I said.

His fingers dropped my from chin to graze over the skin of my neck across my collar bone then stopped right at the top of my towel. There was a rich darkness to his eyes as they burned into me, something sinister in his mind.

"I really want to kiss you," Noah breathed.

I liked the sound of that.

“I want you to earn your way back up to my lips but you’re going to need to work for it," I ordered while placing my hand on top of Noah's head, which was a task since he was so tall, then pushed him down to his knees.

While looking up at me through his long lashes and hair falling into his eyes, Noah licked his lips. "Can I?

I nodded hastily. "Please."

Noah growled as he lifted me onto the bathroom counter and ripped open the towel, it falling to my sides and I leaned into the coolness of the mirror when his warm tongue flicked over my slick folds. I moaned out his name while running my hands through his hair, hips bucking up into his mouth when he pressed the tip of his tongue on my clit.

"Shit," I breathed, eyes fluttering shut.

"Fuck, angel. I'd get on my knees every day for you. You taste so fucking good," Noah murmured briefly pulling away from my clit.

I hissed in pleasure when his teeth grazed over it before wrapping his lips over my sensitive bud and began sucking. A long finger slide between my lips and I opened myself wider for him as he hooked that finger inside of me. With his mouth biting and sucking on my clit and his finger pumping in and out of me, I felt the coil in my lower belly pull tight. I peered down seeing the tattoos on his fingers disappear into me. My nails scrapped at the roots of his hair as I rode his face closer to my release; it was so close.

"Be a good girl and cum for me, angel."

My orgasm came out in a strangled cry as I writhed above him, his tongue assaulting my pussy as the aftershocks tore through me with such force, I fell slump against the mirror. Noah's soft lips kissed up the inside of my thigh, over my stomach, up my chest between the valley of my breasts where his flicked each nipple with his tongue, then he hovered over my mouth waiting for an answer. His eyes were blown wide with lust and suddenly, I wanted to repay the favor.

"I'd say you earned it," I let out breathless.

Noah's lips attacked my own in a hungry kiss, his teeth biting down almost instantly before his tongue painted over it soothing the pain. I moaned into it when I tasted my arousal on him and my arms hung around his neck, nails scratching over the fabric of his shirt; something I wanted off right now. His large hands ran up and down my bare thighs, goosebumps rising to my skin, and I wrapped my legs around him to pull him closer.

A firm knock on the bathroom door made Noah reluctantly pulled away but continued to hold his grip on me.

"Yeah?"

"Breakfast is here, and it's getting cold," Jolly called through the wood of the door.

Noah buried his face deep into the crook of my neck to breathe me in. "I've already had the best fucking meal."

Giggling, I brushed away the hair from his face before leaving a kiss on his forehead. "I am hungry."

"Then we'll continue this later," he promised with a gentle kiss to my lips.

"I'll meet you downstairs," I pushed him away so I could hop off the counter and pat his chest. "You should probably shower; you stink."

Noah scoffed with a chuckle and helped me get dressed since I couldn't with my injured hand and I slipped out of the bathroom when he turned on the shower. It shocked me to see Jolly still leaning up against the wall next to the door. He stared at me with a raised brow, a small smile on his lips.

"Hi," I said quietly.

Jolly hummed. "Glad to see you're settling in fine."

Cheeks burning, I pointed to the door behind me. "I was just showering."

"Sure, sounded like it," he winked before ruffling my hair and heading downstairs.

[someone-always-cares]

chapter 5, page 45

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[image description: an sac webcomic page. "if it helps, i have snacks? from some weird sparkly guy who i'm pretty sure if sampling her own powers, if you know what i mean". jade jokes at lewis with an awkward smile. "i don't know what you mean, but yeah. that helps." he replies "anyway, just text me the location and-" "i did that already" "you did? huh, i didn't feel my phone buzz." she says, furrowing her brows. "guess the signal here is just shit" she says, her speech bubble over a panel of a completely different scene: a close up of a phone with a starry asexual pride flag background, showing a 2 minute old notification "Lewis R. shared a location". the next panel is rami, who stares scared at something, his eyes changed to his signiture green, and his hands shaking. end id]

hey there buddy, what're you looking at? it's probably nothing to worry about, never mind those trembling hands, it's fine.

also!! happy comic anniversary!! page 1 of this comic was posted july 11th, 2017!! (on tumblr that is, i started the tapas mirror in august)

some random life updates, 1 yesterdays comic page is late because i spent like 4 hours on monday trying to book hotels for cons the next couple months. one of which is. rather expensive and i really fucking hope i make back those costs or i fucking swear. secondly an update on making pins and keychains, no luck on keychains but i fully plan on making pins of some of my pre existing pride designs (making them out of wooden charms because there's a sale on for wooden charms and also because my usual manu doesnt go above 4cm in size, so im going to get charms instead and superglue some pin backings on them.

[emeraldsyndicate]

The future, is what you make of it.

Fanfic/ Star Trek Captain Pike, Admiral Vance X reader

(I take no credit for these characters, I'm just playing with them, seeking a happy ending to a muse that sat upon my shoulder and murmured "what if...."

Summary : It was an ordinary day for me, till it wasn't. It's kinda like those zenn gardens, the stones in the sand with the circles radiating outward - but in my case apparently across time and multiple realities.

It's made me introspective. What is compassion and do we ever truly know the effects of one kind act tossed out into the universe till a/the "god" (any sufficiently advanced civilization/technology would appear god like or magical) takes notice. All "god" ever really does, is give choices. Those spoken and more significantly, those unspoken, and with them the possibility of a life and love, worth dying for, and perhaps their own desire, after so much death and destruction for just one "happy ending", not perfect, no one can promise perfect, choices after all, but happy.

warning: Mature, O.C. some spoilers and diverges from the end of season 4 destiny and season 2 of strange new worlds.

I've never posted before, gentle feedback is appreciated....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Your tired, in fact, truth be told you are way way beyond exhausted and not really too sure how you are managing to function. But its not like there is another choice. Well, technically, you had your choice, made it, and these are the consequences. God knows you were warned…hell that’s actually funny. God knows you were warned…by a "god", and then you went and broke the only rule he gave you. You got offered paradise and now, now you’ve got a ring side seat to exactly what hell is like…complete with a demon. A demon with dead, dark eyes seemingly seething with hate and a hunger that is never, ever satisfied. You shake your head to dispel the image of it circling, slowly, snarling and clicking, growing ever closer, watching for a weak moment when it could pounce. That nightmare was never ever going to go away.

You drag your sorry self up the ladder of yet another Jefferies tube and start the imposed sentence of cleaning it. A horrible, mind numbing and exhausting job – your punishment. You can feel the sweat already starting to trickle down your back severely exacerbating the burning, rubbed raw rash, an allergic reaction to the fabric, of your prison fatigues. The only thing, in the only fabric, the replicator will issue you. The commander made sure he didn’t miss a beat in ensuring you had the “full effect”. You were hungry but knew the “K” rations, again all that the computer would issue you, although they met your nutritional requirements, would turn your stomach and cause severe cramping that made your last bout of stomach flu look like a day at the beach. Still this is better than yesterday. Very little could fail to be better than yesterday with you and the chief trapped with a Gorn.

She’s still in Medlab and your, well your back on “shift” without even 12 hours of recovery time. Everything aches, absolutely everything aches, you swear even the inside of your eyelids hurt, but your lucky to be alive. "Again", you correct yourself, lucky to be alive again, however your starting to wonder if this is indeed part of the consequences for pissing off a deity. You can't suffer if your not alive you think to yourself ruefully smirking.

You want so very very badly to feel safe, just for a few minutes, to be comforted, cared for -it’s a federation ship for pity sake. Their very motto is service, sacrifice, compassion and love – just not for you.

The commander made sure everyone knew not to fraternize with the screw up who cost them the alliance with the Tal when you hadn’t shown up for the reception. The captain, he seemed intent on ensuring your full sentence was carried out to the letter. Neither of them seemed to have any of the empathy for you which they lavished upon others. They had raged at you the next morning when you’d hurried to find them and explain as not one message had gone through. They'd gone one up one side of you and down the other, neither willing to let you utter a single word in your defense, insisting there was none. You kept trying to keep a lid on your tempter as you’d been up all night and knew normally they were far more level headed and fair.

You decided to try and wait till they ran out of steam to explain when the commander had gone so far as to state blithely, when you’d taken a deep breath and raised your hand to try and interject, that if you uttered a single, solitary syllable, ever, to try and excuse your gross, selfish lack of foresight regarding this matter, that he would ship you to the penal colony of epsilon 8. Your mouth had fallen open in shock as he had continued to rail at you, his finger shaking in your face, his own a mask of rage and disgust. This was not the man you knew.

They had both seemed so haggard and tired, after all the war with the gorn was not going well and they had had high hopes for the support this new ally could have provided.

You had started to say “captain, commander” in a gentle voice sure it was just a misunderstanding, as it was apparently far far more severe a situation than you had thought but they were both reasonable men so you were sure that when you explained…

Only to be interrupted by him saying, in a low angry voice with enough venom to have you stepping back “choose your next actions carefully as I swear on my honour as  Starfleet officer if you dare utter another single sound for this inexcusable conduct, I will put you on the shuttle in cuffs personally, I AM the authority in this sector. The lives you have endangered with your self-indulgent, selfish,… primitive…” He had literally spat out.

You had looked in shock back and forth from the captain to the commander with Pike running his hands through his badly tussled hair who had joined in insisting “– show up, all you had to do was show up – can you even conceive of the damage done by your actions. That they wouldn’t know, wouldn’t check where you’d gone instead. The level of insult you’ve caused…”

I still had absolutely no idea what I had done that was so horribly wrong. I agree I wasn't there but there didn't seem to be another option at the time, and how my choice could have been so offensive, given the potential for harm if I had just left and gone to the reception, was seemingly beyond my limited experience with or understanding of interspecies politics.

No one bothered to tell me that, although everyone seemed to know. Which made even trying to defend myself impossible. So I was trying to keep my head down, finish the sentence of hard labor to teach me ”some character, badly needed humility and some small inclination of the meaning of self-sacrifice”, at least until I could disappear.

 Seriously, I had thought as I worked, like I hadn’t wanted the “Cinderella deal” at the Tal reception. I’d gotten to be dressed to the 9’s, as a last minute substitute to ensure the Tal cultural norms were obeyed, as the officers had been dropping like flies due to the virus brought in on the rescued transport earlier that day. While not lethal for most species it would make you damn sick for over 48 hour as it ran its course , along with being highly contagious. Hence everyone, even me, non-starfleet, were moving via the transporters to avoid the possible spread of the virus. I really had felt like I had won the lottery, A night on the arm of a handsome Starfleet officer, dinner with a charming and witty companion, dancing. Even if you were terrified of not using the right fork or upsetting aliens you didn’t know existed 3 months ago, you had really been looking forward to it. It seemed originally like fate had thrown you a bone, given you just one night of what may have been, a wonderful fairy tale night to last the rest of your life after you ensured you disappeared. It was a big galaxy after all and they, they had their whole life ahead of them now.

 Fate however, or the aforementioned "God", had put other plans in place and now you were being punished. Not that you could see any other choice at the time you had thought leaning all of your weight into a particularly stubborn nodule with sweat dripping down into your eyes mixing with the tears born of exhaustion, pain and self-indulgent but not unwarranted, pity. That, was of course, when you slipped.

Now usually the safety measures on a Starfleet vessel would prevent accidents of this nature but not when they hadn’t been engaged. After all no one would talk to you, you had no computer access, privileges or codes so you had no means of knowing they existed or being able to invoke them. That meant that when you slipped and fell you kept going, all the way down to the deck with a rather sickening thud.

You had a moment to register the pain, the sharp snapping sensation in your arm and right side along with the sudden inability to take a breath. Your last stream of conscious thought was that you were going to die, all alone while surrounded by those who but for your refusal to obey a "god" would have welcomed and cared for you.

You could have had a fairy tale life, safe from harm and they, they would have been just as trapped as if they were still fated to end up in those horrible medical support devices. Trapped inside a pain filled shell of what they once were or could be. Alive, because of you, but because of debt and duty to you they would never again truly be able to live. You were going to die having been thrust 1500 years into the future. Sent here purportedly because a "god of time" had deemed it wasn’t fair you had lost everything, every hope, every dream everyone, your very world lost to you forever because of the time war, and the fact you would not let them kill a child.

A child whose name you still didn’t know, but, at least she got to grow up you'd consoled yourself. The time soldiers charging out of the wormhole hadn’t even really wanted the child at the playground you’d been walking past, they were after someone called grayson….in order to destroy someone or something called ….spock.

[maeve-is-annoying-about-books]

Live Read Thread: House of Leaves

What I know and Foreword:

I only first heard of this book because of that one video about the really impressive DOOM wad. It was mentioned a few times offhand and then some pictures of the page layouts were put up and I was intrigued. But like a week later it slipped from my mind, until a friend who's a literature fan told me she had been reading it due to a totally unrelated incident. At that same time my partner had just seen the video I had and also encouraged me to give it a look, so I went down to the bookstore my next chance.

All I knew going into it was that it was a spooky book with inventive formatting, I really thought it'd be just that, but I'm five chapters in and it brought me here to record my thoughts without disturbing the other poor dears in my life. So without further ado I'll start posting my thoughts chapter by chapter, starting with what I've read so far.

Ugh, get that clinical analysis tone outta your blog, Maeve.

The foreword here by Johnny Truant is the most enticing warning to a book I think I've read. He's an absolute trainwreck of a man who just started to get something arguably good in his life when this old man just drops his House of Leaves on him. Like I know it's too early to have a title drop pun but what else do you call this complete mess of papers and napkins Zampanò has?

Anyway, it's this long and rambling piece about how curiosity devolved into obsession, and how strange things have been costing Johnny here his sleep. Strange marks on Zampanò's floor, the endless random stuff arranged around him, his curious habit of writing a book on filmography when he is very blind. And of course, Johnny's paroxysms of panic around this life work. It's almost... trite? Trite, like he's saying "oh it's a spooky book with a spooky monster oh it's gonna getcha if you read it!" I swear I nearly put it down.

Then these last few passages hit differently. And suddenly I wasn't looking at Johnny the loser drifter, suddenly I was painfully inside this man's soul. This like... fear or change in him that's so fundamentally different from his usual griping self. It was all at this line that I got pulled back in:

"You might try then, as I did, to find a sky so full of stars it will blind you again. Only no sky can blind you now. Even with all that iridescent magic up there, your eye will no longer linger on the light, it will no longer trace the constellations. You'll only care about the darkness and you'll watch it for hours, for days, maybe even for years, trying in vain to believe you're some kind of indispensable, universe-appointed sentinel., as if just by looking you could actually keep it all at bay."

Reading this at one o'clock at night in an empty, dark house wasn't so great for my mental state. This passage and the ones leading directly too it are just so... drawing, so latently terrifying in a way I don't know if I can describe. And this nebulous sort of fear of... Of what, the dark? The expanse? Nothingness? Nonexistence? played me like a damned cello. I think my spine hit a high C and I knew I had to read the book. I know exactly how it's going to ruin me and it's so different from getting jumpscared in another slasher movie.

So, let's take a look. What's the worst that could happen?