#this photo alone bring me so much happiness and nice nostalgia

[thisischeri]

instagram: cheri.png

[hellomynudebrain]

Minty Friday (Vxreader)

Hello nurses! This fic it's a colab with @lytholia check her art, and from a special event with @mysme-rbb

Enjoy it!!!

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Another friday afternoon in the spring

The trees has colorful flowers, the weather is getting warmer and the city is crazy as ever; the only place to relax from that riot is the park. And there's you, who is running behind your 99 pounds bobtail dog, because why not, you decided to bought him a new collar which was more fragil than the last one and broke on the middle of the park. So yes, you're running behind him with the most unconfortable pair of shoes and almost out of breath.

"Rosco, stop!" You screamed for all over the park while the people dodge you and Rosco.

Rosco was running as a horse and making to the other dogs bark, making the children scream and some old people cursing you because you can keep him calm.

The race is getting tired, you can't keep with the pace of Rosco and the shoes are killing you. Suddenly, Rosco stop on a bench and jump on the person who is sitting on the bench.

You're so embarrased from the way Rosco is behaving what make you run faster and apologize to the person.

Once near the unknown person, you see Rosco licking the strager's face. You rush to him and taking Rosco off from him and face him.

"I'm really sorry. My dog is not agressive but I hope he didn't hurt you" Blushing for the bad moment you had, you avert your eyes from him a second, however you can see him briefly. A handsome man with fine features, pale skin, mint hair and mint eyes which where cover with a pair of sunglasses, make you fall in love of him at first sight.

" He didn't cause any problem. In fact, he made my day really interesting. I've never seen a dog so cheerful as him" He giggles and caress Rosco.

"Thank you for been comprehensive. I always try to be careful with him but...today...today wasn't the day...Is there a way to repay you for this?"

"Don't mind it. He made my day..." He sigh and get up from the bench. "Anyway, take care of him, it was nice to meet you" He turned his back to you and kneeled in front of a black bag.

You are disappointed, because you wanted to talk with a bit more, nevertheless you take Rosco and turn your back as well. However just a few steps, you hear something fall on the grass. You turn your back and see the mint hair man trying to pick up a camara aquipment from the grass, he looks frustrated and sad, you couldn’t take it and go back to where he is and kneel before him.

"Are you sure you don't need something as repayment for what Rosco did?" You ask while you help him to pick all the camara stuff.

"... No... Well.. .If you can help me with this.. I'll be really greatful..."

"Yes, I'll help you. Just let me tie Rosco. I don't want to more repays to do"

He smile at you and you feel how the love arrow stab in your heart.

You tie Rosco as you can to the bench with the broken collar and help the beautiful stranger to arm his camara equipment with a warm and pleasant silence, like him and you were a couple.

Once you finish, the time to leave comes. You don't want to go, but you don't want bother him, besides he looks like a professional, maybe your talk wouldn't help him to concentrate. You walk through the bench and untie Rosco who was sleeping until you get near. You are hesitating and making more difficult to undo the knot only to gain more time, time to spend just a more with him. Your clumsy way to keep you there was a success, because the mint hair man calls you back.

"... Umh.. If I don't bother you... May you stay a bit more to help me? Just in case I mess up again, of course."

Your eyes fill with sparks and cheerful smile where evidente on your face.

"Yes, of course!"

You sit on the bench and look him work, focusing his camara on the beautiful view of the park.

The silence is present, but again not in an awkard way, but in a confortable one.

The mesmerazing view of him, keep you quite and Rosco calm, however, he decide to talk.

"I apologize for asking you to help me..."

"No, I have to be the one asking for an apology"

"... Hahaha... This is an apology festival."

You giggle, but a doubt comes to your mind and without thinking you talk in a loud voice.

"But if you're a professional, why do want my help?"

"... I'm a photographer... But lately my sight is not how it was... And the last time I came here. I saw this beautiful view and some how I got the need to take a photo of it...before my eyesight can't let me continue"

"Oh god! Is there's a way to help you to revcover it?"

"... Yes, a friend offered me to get a surgery... However, this is a punishment sent by God since I couldn’t keep my promise with an special person..." He turned her back to you and for a moment.

Your heart broke a little when you heard what he said, and it broke a little more when his sunglasses go down and let you see his eyes, a lonsome minty eyes, full of regret, nostalgia and with no hope in life .

How such adorable creature has to suffer like this? Those were your thoughts.

"... I don't know what happened but you should forgive yourself for whatever you did...You have the right to redeem yourself as any other human being!"

He turn his back and face you with a bitter sweet smile, a smile between disconfort and happiness.

"I wonder if I deserve such a thing as reedem. A sinner like me doesn't deserve it, not after I became a beautiful being into a different one"

"But you do!" You screamed and continue after an awkard silence. "You do deserve it! I think it's the better way to pay for your sins If you did something terrible, try to mend things and do good deeds until the day you die. On the contrary, suffering all alone and pity yourself and that person won't change anything!"

He look at you with a surprise look, what makes you regret immediately all you said.

" I'm so sorry...I didn't mean to offend you... But... "

He begins to laugh.

" Hahahahahaha... I never thougth that I get to know someone as direct as my best friend... Don't mind it, this is a point of view I've never thougth before, thank you... I'll think about it..."

The rest of the afternoon was calm and you spent a talking with him more, but about stuff not relate with the first conversation.

After a while, you and him say good bye to each other, however, the fairy tale ended, because the silly you, never asked his phone or at least his name.

The next few days, you spent your afternoons to look for him in the park a pathetic intend to meet again with him.

Saturday, you waited on the same bench with the hope he'd come to the same place or find him walking on the road, but your waiting was in vain.

Sunday, you have a family meal and between the talk and the no ending questions of your family, you came too late at the park.

Monday, the weather was against you that day, since it was raining in the city, but that didn't matter to you. You took a cape coat and boots, you cover Rosco, put him a cape coat too, and went out directly to the park, running on the muddy floor, your flustered heart and a Rosco getting fun with the puddles, were hanging to the hope of finally find him, even in the heavy rain, but he wasn't there.

Tuesday, rushing out from your work. Running out of the bulding bumping with each person that walked near you, sweating and running to arrive to your aparment. You take off your heels, fixed your messy hair and make up because of the race you made and grabbing the dog leash and bring Rosco with you. You were sure to arrive at time and find him on the same place and the same hour, but you could only found a cute elders douple fedding some pigeons on the bench. Sad, you took Rosco and walked out of the park.

Wednesday. Your jerky boss, gave you so much work, so much of it, however that doesn't matter to you and with some help of some cups of cofee (six because you need the caffeine), the speed with you finished the work was you personal record, however you finished on time. You did the same you did on sunday, but with the help of the coffee you could swear you arrived faster, just in time to maybe meet him, but God was messing with you. An elder man who was walking in front of you, collapse and had a heart attack. You assited him and some people too. When the paramedics came, it was late, but you hope wasn't broken (you never learn, don't you?) . Runnin again to the same bench, you could only see an empty space.

Thursday. You are tired from work and from the hectic week you had. You feel so frustrated, at this point, look for him was a madness and the logic told you it was, but your lingering feelings fot the boy with sad eyes, the urge to see him, hug him and tell him that everything was fine was stronger, just the enough amount to make you run and look for him. But not today, because you logic won, and you're felling sad while hugging Rosco sitting on the floor of your livingroom. Just today, you logic won and your heart is broken.

Friday. You get up was usual, go to work, get mad on your jerky boss and finish your day as always. You feel discouraged, your hands feel heavy to open the door of you aparment, but somehow you do it. Open the door, throw away your shoes and bag on the entrance, walk in a zombie way, to finally throw youself on the bed. You closed your eyes and hold the tears, but Rosco is not reading the mood, and with a happy tail move and wiht his dog leash on her mouth, he scratchs your hand and lick you face. You only look at him.

"I'm only a chaperon and a food giver to you,Rosco? " He wags his tail and look to you as an answer (Yes, you are human. Now, let's go to the park)

With a really bad mood, you enter in the park. The world didn't change, but you feel like it did. The way you walk is reluctant, only to satisfy Rosco.

You are getting near the same bench you found him, but the hope of finding him is dead. A tear is about to get out from your eye, but Rosco again, won't let you get down, because a squirrel show off on the road, and Rosco loves to chase them.

Yes, you fly when Rosco begins to chase the squirrel, you are running againt your will tryin to stop Rosco but he's stronger. The squirrel run faster as Rosco do. You close your eyes, and from nowhere something stops Rosco from the race.

Your eyes begin to open slowly, only seeing a minty stain in front of you.

"I think we should stop to meet in these circunstances" The man you were lookin all the week is here, in front of you giggle anda playing with Rosco.

Your feelings are all over the overwhelming, the right amount to make you inner voice come out.

"I thought we won't never meet again..." Your mounth spoke while a the tear you were holding finally comes.

The mint hair guy panic and with a really concerned look gets near you.

"Are you ok? Did you get hurt? Where did you feel pain?" His gloomy side disappeard for a second which made you laugh. No matter if the feelings you have creep him, you want to be honest.

"No, I'm fine...I was just... happy to see you again after...I spent most of the week trying to find you, but my tries were in vain, I felt frustrated and sad...but now that you are here...I feel happy, because I like you..."

The silence after you confession is long and you don't dare to look him in the eyes, bu when you do it. You are shocked. The minty man was red as tomato and is covering his face with embarrassment .

He sigh and look you at your eyes.

"...You weren't the only one...After you left I felt funny and the feeling was a bother, because about you said and what made me feel....so....ehem...I decided to look for you and discover why I feel like that...but all the week I have bad luck."

You eyes get bigger with every word he said.

"Saturday, my friend invited me to drink some wine, but he drank more than I thought and when I arrived to the park, you weren't here. On sunday, my camara broke when I was trying to take a photo and I went to the tecnician but he delayed and when finally I could go out, it was really late and park was closed. On monday, I came before the rain got me soaked and got me sick for the last three days. I tried to go out but everytimea bodyguard of my friend got me in bed again."

You laugh again, because it was stupid how many times you wanted to meet but you couldn't. Suddenly, the sadness go away. Suddenly, both of you begin to feel bold and get near to each other. He put his hand on your cheek and caress it while clening your tears from hapiness and sadness.

You feel his breath getting close to you, you body react by itsefl and close the eyes. A little peck on your lips is where you want to focus. Your arms as if they have a mind on their own cross on his neck making the kiss a little bit passionate, and his body is not against it, because his hand pull you face closer to his. The time stops.

Both of you look at each other and with a enchanted gaze and blushed cheeks you manage to open your mouth.

"...What was you name?"

"....hahahaha...Jihyun"

And he kiss you again.

[goldenworldsabound]

Turrfield and Jasmine

Title is...descriptive? Lol. Golden visits Turrfield and gives her friend Jasmine a call! Golden can’t help but gush about Kabu, and Jasmine knows her well enough to notice. :) Kabu-adjacent fic since he’s not technically in it lol. Content warning: none, word count: 2001

Golden had spent the day making her way to Turrfield and exploring the ancient ruins. She had been absolutely delighted with both the herds of Wooloo everywhere (she made sure to catch a few) and the ruins themselves. Ancient, olden things gave her a sense of nostalgia for the rich history of Ecruteak, and the mysteriousness of the Ruins of Alph. She had spent perhaps too much time exploring those ruins at a perhaps too young age.

She had snapped a selfie she'd sent to Kabu, as well. She'd sent it along to her friend Jasmine back in Olivine too, trying to convince herself it was a normal, friend thing to do, and definitely had nothing to do with her presumably one sided crush. To her surprise, Kabu had sent a selfie back to her, with Centiskorch excitedly sliding into the photo, Kabu's own face a mask of stoicism despite the v for victory he was making with his fingers. That had been encouraging. She'd sent a few more photos after that, and he'd commented on all of them.

Settled into her tent just outside of Turrfield, she pulled up her phone to look at the last exchange.

Kabu: I'm glad your journey around Galar is starting off so well! I really enjoyed hearing about your day and seeing those pictures. :)

Golden: Oh, I'm glad! I was worried they were a bit much.

Kabu: Absolutely not. Please keep me updated, when it's not too much trouble.

Golden: Yeah! For sure!

Golden: Alright, I need to set up my tent and check in back home. I'll talk to you tomorrow? :)

Kabu: Sounds good. Have a wonderful night, Golden.

Golden: Thanks, you too!

Golden sighed, pulling her knees up to her chest and pushed the phone against her forehead. He was really sweet. Dammit. She leaned her head back, noticing that she'd inadvertently entered a bunch of text. With a quiet gasp she deleted the nonsense, giving a sigh of relief that she hadn't accidentally sent that to Kabu. Whoops.

The first thing she'd done after setting up the tent had been to call Professor Elm. He was checking in on her ranch every so often, and today was one of those days. It sounded like everything was going well, for which she was grateful. With so many Poke'mon, she knew there was always a chance she'd have to rush home from a trip like this. She recognized this on all of her outings. But there were extra reasons now to find that distressing.

In any case, things were fine at the moment. Things were fine here, too. Tak and June were curled up against either side of her, mostly asleep, while she leaned against Athens in lieu of a solid wall inside the tent. Athens chirped pleasantly every so often, content with this situation.

Ping.

Jasmine: Hey! Yeah, I can spare a minute right now. :) I'd love to hear about your trip!

Golden smiled. She had been hoping she'd get to talk to Jasmine. Now that she was away from Motostoke, she was practically bursting with the need to talk about Kabu to someone. Of course, that would be easier said than done, she thought, as she felt her face warming. She called up Jasmine despite this.

"Hey!" Jasmine's face appeared on screen, backed by the view out the top of the Olivine lighthouse. Golden heard an Ampharos cry out happily too, and Amphy leaned into the frame. "Amphy says hi too, of course!" Jasmine said with a laugh.

"Hi Amphy!" Golden held the phone up so Athens could stick their head into view with a friendly chirp. "Athens too!" The two humans giggled. "Tak and June are asleep, but, well..." Golden angled her phone to show each Poke'mon in turn.

"That's the Poke'mon that gym leader helped you catch, right? Kabu, was it?" Jasmine asked with a smile.

"Yep!" Golden grinned, trying to keep her response from being glaringly obvious. She hadn't been able to talk face to face with Jasmine this trip yet. They'd spoken over text, of course, but over video chat Golden had a feeling her budding crush would be obvious. "It was very kind of him. And June is an absolute delight."

Jasmine laughed. "Leave it to you to impress a gym leader." There was a sparkle in her eye.

"Hey, you're a gym leader too!"

"I know, and you certainly impressed me. You were the only one who didn't get mad at me for needing medicine for Amphy first. There were all so rude, isn't that right Amphy?" Jasmine cooed at her Poke'mon for a moment. "And you really kicked my butt."

"I actually lost this battle, unsurprisingly." Golden admitted. "But Kabu was a good sport. He had his Sizzlipede fight Tak. That went alright! And then Athens was pretty well matched with Kabu's Centiskorch - oh, Centiskorch is the evolution of Sizzlipede, it's like, way longer - but Kabu used this thing called GIGANTAMAXING! Specifically gigantamaxing, there's a different between that and dynamaxing, actually, but...I already explained that in a text didn't I."

Jasmine nodded. "You did. But it's still nice to see you so excited about it." She tilted her head. "What I was really surprised to hear about was that wild area! That sounds really fun. You and Kabu spent an awful long time out there catching June from the sounds of it!"

"Oh yeah, that's true. You'd really like it I bet. I'd be thrilled to get to do raids with you and Steelix!"

"Right back at you."

There was a lull in the conversation.

"I was kind of bummed to leave Motostoke actually," Golden admitted, fidgeting nervously. "I just...really enjoyed spending time with Kabu, you know? He's a pretty great guy. The gym system's a little weird there and he's like...not in the full time league right now, but...gosh he deserves to be! I mean, his battling skills and his dedication were really admirable, you know?" Golden shook her head, rambling on a bit more than she'd meant to.

"Oh? He must be something special to leave such an impression on you!"

"Huh? What do you mean?" Golden asked. She had to admit that she was hoping that Jasmine would pick up on this, while simultaneously also hoping she wouldn't. Golden didn't know how to bring up that she had a crush, let alone talk about it. But she wanted to. But she also didn't want to. Gah, feelings were complicated.

"Ooh, I think you're blushing a little bit." Jasmine commented. Golden felt her face flare up immediately at the remark. "You're usually so gung-ho about going to new places and meeting new people, I'm surprised you didn't leave Motostoke even sooner. You were supposed to, weren't you?"

Golden swallowed. "Well, yes, but when Kabu made that kind offer I thought it was worth the change in plans." She laughed nervously at the sharp look on Jasmine's face. Though often quiet, the steel-type gym leader was particularly good at teasing her friends. She was observant and perceptive, making her lethal as it pertained to good natured teasing.

"And as a result of spending all that time together, it seems like you two became close." Jasmine commented, grinning. "That's so sweet, Golden. Do you think he returns your feelings?"

"Wha- buh- Jasmine you can't just say it like that!" Golden exclaimed, shifting nervously, raising her voice defensively. Tak made a little noise, disturbed by her change in volume. "Ah, sorry Tak, go back to sleep, shh." She rubbed her hand on his head gently until his eyes closed again. "Really now, that's- that's a bit much!"

Jasmine giggled. "You're always so shy about these things. It's quite cute."

"Shut up." Golden mumbled.

"Well? My question?"

Golden pouted. "I...I dunno...I mean, I assume not, he's...he's a fair bit older than me. From the sounds of things he mentors people a lot, so." She waved her hand dismissively, looking away from the screen.

Jasmine frowned. "Hm, I see your point...older, huh? Let me look him up."

"Ah- well- wait-" Golden stammered out.

"Ooh, he is a bit of a silver fox, isn't he?" Jasmine smiled. "But he's very handsome, I can see why you might like him."

"Jaaaasmiiiine!" Golden whined, knowing what was coming next.

"Is it his sharp, angled facial features? That passion burning in his eyes? Or maybe his muscled body, Goldie? Not to mention, it sounds like he has a stellar personality!"

"Jasmine, I'm going to fight you." Golden said plainly, trying to ignore her warm face.

"Always down for a rematch." Jasmine replied. "Oh, I see, so he was the gym leader..." Jasmine was clearly reading, and Golden took the moment to recover herself. "Mm. That is an unfortunate set of circumstances. I can certainly sympathize. I'd be...lost if I were to lose this position." Jasmine admitted, frowning.

"Yeah." Golden smiled sadly. "He seemed pretty lost. But, I mean, I went to an exhibition match of his, and he won! And when we talked afterwards, I mean...he said meeting me had helped, uh, rekindle his passion!" Golden grinned.

"Wow, he said that?" Jasmine seemed stunned. "Well, I mean, I think you tend to have that effect on people, but when you've only known him for such a short time...you sure he doesn't have feelings for you?"

"Jasmine! I- I don't know. I mean, it made me really happy to hear that, and he even came and saw me off this morning when I left, but...I mean...he might have just been being nice." Golden sighed.

"Okay, so, here's the thing. His profile says back when he was in the major leagues in particular, he was a really intimidating gym leader. He's very stoic, hardly smiles."

"What?! I mean, sure, yeah he was definitely stoic, but he definitely smiled a bunch! And he was really sweet! I didn't feel intimidated at all." Golden frowned, displeased with the description.

Jasmine grinned, and Golden felt like she'd fallen into a trap.

"It does say that he only tends to smile around individuals he is close with, actually. And that beyond the stoic exterior is a kindness that can be easy to miss." Jasmine looked like she'd solved a puzzle. "But you seem to have blown past all those stoic walls! Makes you seem a little special, doesn't it?"

Golden knew she was blushing again. "B-but, I...I mean, we bonded a lot, as friends, in the wild area, maybe that's it, I don't know why he'd see me as more than that."

"Golden." Jasmine's tone and expression were a bit more serious. "You understand that you're a great catch, don't you? You're stunning, for one - no, don't argue with me - for two, you're passionate and kind-hearted, and for three, you're an incredible trainer, which I think speaks volumes about your personality too. Consider Tak. Most trainers would have given up on him, but since you realized he wanted to battle, you've been helping him achieve that goal as much as you can! It's beyond admirable."

Golden looked away shyly. "Well, gosh, thanks Jasmine...I do appreciate it..." She sighed. "But I'm not sure I can believe that Ka- that Ka- that this man is romantically interested in me." She stumbled over his name in a panic, unwilling to say the statement fully.

"Hm. I'll drop it for now but I personally think there's a very good chance, and also that you'd make a great couple." Jasmine commented.

"Mweh." Golden put a hand up over her face. "Fine." But a moment later, she yawned.

"It's getting late there, isn't it? I should let you go to sleep." Jasmine commented. "Oh! But do feel free to keep me up to date or call again! It sounds like you're having a blast over there."

"Thanks Jasmine. I certainly will. And, um, thanks for...your kind words..." Golden found herself pouting again.

"You're welcome, Goldie. Sleep well."

[moodforanime]

Chihiro’s Return| Spirited Away fanfic|

A/N: This is the first chapter of an unpublished Spirited Away fanfiction I started writing and I need validation. Before anyone starts reading it, I’d like to note that I based it off an interview w/ the creator of Spirited Away mentioned in multiple articles where the creator said that at the end of the movie, when Chihiro leaves the tunnel along with her parents, she forgets everything that has happened in a matter of seconds. So I was like ‘Let’s write!’.

Word count: Like, 1.6K

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Anyone who knew Chihiro ever since she was a young girl could agree that the past decade has brought the girl a major glow up. The little, frightened girl they once knew turned into a confident young woman ready to face life. This all happened thanks to her parents’ decision to move away from their hometown and start anew.

Chihiro couldn't disagree- even if she hated it at first, it was a good choice. Yet… something was missing. Ever since she moved into her new house and attended her new school, the ghost of an undetectable memory didn't fail to remain with her in the back of her mind with an unbreakable loyalty. She tried to ignore it, to forget it, and to leave that eerie feeling of missing out on a dear memory, but it never failed to find its way back to her.

As she walked through her college dorm room, packing her bags, she paused for a moment to look at a framed picture standing on a shelf, a photo of her 10 year old self along with her parents. The girl in the picture grinned ear to ear as she stood between her parents, holding onto their arms.She picked up the framed photo and smiled. Summer returned and she had the chance to see her parents again. Although Chihiro didn't like to admit it, she did miss her parents terribly. 

Honestly, she was more than happy to spend two months with her parents. Her parents were getting old and weren't popular for their strong immune systems, so only God knew for how long that Chihiro still had the chance to spend time with them. The door creaked lightly as it opened, without disturbing Chihiro from her meditation.

'Chihiro-chan.' A soft, female voice said, in an attempt to catch the girl's attention.

Chihiro's head shot up immediately, as she looked at the door curiously. A girl her age with short, dark hair and casual clothes looked at her from the doorway. 

‘Asura. I thought you went to the bus?’ 

‘Did you pack your bags? Everyone is there already there,’ Asura said, ‘We're leaving in fifteen minutes, you know.'

Chihiro felt her face get pale. 'Ah… yes, of course. I was just closing my luggage.’ 

She put the picture in her luggage and fetched the last clothes that were lying on her bed right next to her, and threw them in her luggage. After she forced the luggage to close, Chihiro took if off the bed, grabbed it by its handle and pulled it behind her as she left the room with her roommate.

Luckily for the two girls, their bedroom was placed on the first floor of the campus building, so they weren’t at such a high risk of being late. They walked rapidly across the campus garden and only increased their steps more when seeing a female teacher waiting in front of the bus, looking at them with a disapproving, sour look.

‘At last, Ogino-san,’ the teacher said as the two girls arrived in front of her.

Chihiro bit her lip as she bowed deeply, along with Asura. No matter what her parents told her while growing up, she still hated her last name. She would not get used to its ugliness. It reminded her of a big, ugly plum, or a reed plain.

‘I’m deeply sorry for my tardiness, sensei,’ Chihiro apologised, ‘It won’t happen again.’

‘I hope not. Tardiness is definitely not a quality a young woman should have. Take your luggage and get on the bus.’

Chihiro did as she was asked to. Helped by Asura, Chihiro lifted her luggage in the air and walked on the bus. As she walked on the bus, Chihiro smiled as she spotted her closest friend. After bidding a goodbye to Asura, Chihiro walked to her friend and pushed her luggage on the tray above her.

‘I saved you a seat!’ The girl told Chihiro excitedly, as she pat the free seat next to hers.

‘Thank you, Fumiko. You saved my life.’

The two girls laughed, as the bus’ doors closed. Soon enough, the bus’ engines started and the bus began moving.

‘Going to your parents’ house for the summer?’ Fumiko asked.

‘Mhm. Gotta spend time with them, y’know? So they don’t think I’m ungrateful or that I stopped loving them.’

Fumiko nodded. ‘I know the feeling. I’ll visit my parents as well for a while, but I’ll mostly travel with Akio.’

Akio was Fumiko’s boyfriend. Chihiro met him a couple of times as she had nothing bad to say about him. His and Fumiko’s relationship was a steady one and he presented to be a good guy with a goal that kept him pushing forward. If he treated Fumiko right and both of them were happy, Chihiro had nothing to say. 

‘That’s really nice, Fumiko. I wish I met someone like that, too.’

‘Oh, you’ll find someone, Chihiro,’ Fumiko said light-heartedly as she nudged Chihiro lightly, ‘I know you will. You’re an amazing person.’

Chihiro smiled.  ‘Thank you. You know, when I get home, I might make a small trip myself. There’s this old, abandoned  building near my house, with a tunnel for entrance. My dad says it’s probably some of those buildings that were abandoned after the revolution in the nineties. It always creeped me out as a kid, but now… I really want to see what’s behind it.’

‘Ooh, it sounds like an adventure!’

‘It’ll definitely be one.’

After that, the subject was changed and the two girls continued to chat throughout the ride. A solid five hours later, Chihiro found herself sitting on the seat next to the window, watching how her town bathed in the warm, orange tones of the sunset, as a certain feeling of nostalgia washed over her. Fumiko got off the bus about an hour before, so now Chihiro was left on her own. It wasn’t as if she didn’t have any other friends. It was simply that many people had already the bus already and even the few people left on the bus were all tired from the long ride and the chit-chat and were waiting for the time they would reach their homes. In that moment, everyone wanted to be left alone.

Ever since last summer, Chihiro’s town didn’t change much. The same buildings, the same colours and same people were hanging around the simple streets. Eventually, the bus entered a street on a hill that Chihiro knew only so well. All the houses looked simple, made out of bricks and were coloured in simple colours. The bus stopped in front of a seemingly large house painted in blue. The bus driver coughed as he looked at the list in front of him.

‘Ogino Chihiro.’

‘Yes, sir.’ 

Chihiro stood up and took her luggage down. She walked down the aisle between the chairs. Just before she walked out of the bus, she looked at the driver, a nearly bald man in his mid-forties. ‘Thank you for bringing me, sir. Have a good evening.’

‘You too.’

She stepped out of the bus and watched how the bus’ doors closed, before the bus turned around and drove away from the hill. Chihiro smiled as she looked down at the forest beneath the hill. The forest wasn’t big, it was a mere surrounding around the hill that represented the highest point in the village The view was lovely, with a capability to relax anyone who happens to witness it. The only thing that brought a sense of eeriness was a red building that  found itself in the middle of the forest, at the end of a dirt road not too far from the hill. IT would give anyone a chill down the spine, and was the cause of many mysteries and nightmares throughout Chihiro’s early teens and teenage years. Chihiro wanted to visit the house very soon, but the plans were not immediate. She wanted to spend time with her parents first. She wanted to catch up.

As Chihiro walked closer to her door, she hardly had to knock to the door. As soon as her fist hit the white door two times, Chihiro didn’t find herself before a closed door but in the strong embrace of a well-build man.

‘Chihiro-chan!’ Her father exclaimed, happily, ‘Welcome back! How was the trip, darling?’

The man let Chihiro go and ruffled her hair as she took some deep breaths.

‘Thanks, dad,’ Chihiro said as she entered the house. She took her shoes of in the hallway at the entrance, before following her father in the living room, ‘The road was fine. It felt really long and it was boring after Fumiko got off, though.’

‘Any interesting boy to talk to?’ Her mother’s voice rang happily from the kitchen.

Chihiro laughed, lightly. ‘No interesting boy, mom. None that I know of.’

‘Good,’ her father approved with a strong nod, ‘You deserve better. I’m sure there might be some negociable options in the IT department, but with these new generations, it’s different, y’know? It’s not what it was in my time.’

‘Every generation is different, y’know?’ Chihiro pointed out.

‘Not all generations are good.’

‘Are you saying I’m stupid?’

‘Oh, not you! Certainly not you! You’re an intellectual gem among your peers. All I’m saying is that in some generations, a vast majority of people are a bad influence. Certain expectations and trends are set, which are absolutely not healthy at all.’

Chihiro puffed, lightly. Her father did make a point there. She’s had her fair share of bullies growing up, but the amount of bad people dropped considerably once Chihiro entered college. Most people attending college, she realised, wanted to be there. They were all there for a reason and various goals in life and saw a path in life. College offered Chihiro a much home-like feeling outside the place she grew up in and people she genuinely liked.

Chihiro’s mother came out of the kitchen and hugged her daughter tightly. 

‘It’s good to have you back home, dear,’ her mother said with a smile, before tuning to her husband, ‘Akio, won’t you help Chihiro get her bags in her room before dinner?’

‘Ah, yes, of course,’ Chihiro’s father exclaimed, as he took her luggage in his hands immediately.

Chihiro followed her father up the stairs and into her bedroom. As her father looked for a place where he could place her luggage, Chihiro’s eyes ran over her bedroom. The room was clean, all the things she left at home being neatly arranged. The amount of time that had passed since Chihiro’s last been in her bedroom made the room feel rather empty. It was welcoming and familiar, but empty. It wasn’t as if you had a long day and finally could go home, in your safe space. It was as if going back to a nostalgic memory that you once were so at home with, but was now something that you outgrew. Like a sweatshirt you once got and loved but eventually grew small and had to eventually be put in a cardboard box in the attic or thrown away to save space.

‘It’s really nice to have you back, Chihiro,’ her father said as he patted her back, ‘this house is really boring without you.’

Chihiro laughed. ‘Don’t let mom hear you.’

‘Oh, I’d be a dead man then.’ Her father laughed as he made his way towards her door, ‘Your mom’s setting the table now. Be sure to come before the food gets cold.’

‘Sure will.’

Chihiro watched how her father left her room, closing the door behind him. Being left to her own devices again, Chihiro found herself laying on her bed and staring at the plastic stars she once glued to her ceiling as a twelve year old. Memories from her younger self filled her mind, bringing her back to all the experiences she found herself in. At the reminder of her past horror, Chihiro stood up and walked to her bedroom window, locking gazes with the abandoned building from the forest. The building pushed so many nightmares and fears upon her for so many years, but it wouldn’t have to wait much longer before Chihiro took the final step to overcome her fears. 

For a moment, Chihiro scoffed at the building. Why was it so scary, anyway? It wasn’t some sort of magical portal. It was just a silly, old building that was out of use.

[pcychedelic]

Lost Angels

Written for NoHappyEnding’s #NHEIV.

GIF by angel-in-slow-motion.

Relationship(s): Byun Baekhyun/Doh Kyungsoo

Tags: Hollywood AU, Flashbacks; Heavy Angst, Smut

Rating: Explicit (explicit themes, strong language, some violence, explicit sex, depictions of alcohol and drugs)

Content Warning(s): Substance abuse, implied suicide attempt, major character death

Words: 15.3k

Synopsis: A funeral brings Kyungsoo back to LA.

Present Day

Calle Larios is already packed with people at 10 a.m. on a Wednesday morning. Málagueños — or Spaniards, in general — aren’t known for being early risers, but everyone’s up and about this early on a weekday to do some last-minute shopping before the New Year rolls in.

Kyungsoo doesn’t mind the crowd. Living in Málaga for the past five years has desensitized him from hordes of people as the region of Costa del Sol attracts millions of tourists and expats each year. An expat himself, Kyungsoo is no stranger to people flocking to someplace else to get away from wherever they came from, whether it be for good or for a short vacation. As a matter of fact, that’s why he’s here in the first place.

Kyungsoo takes Chanyeol by the hand, weaving themselves through the crowd until they reach the end of the street and into Plaza de la Constitucion where their favorite coffee shop sits. Chanyeol goes on to order their usual: a sombra for him and a nube for Kyungsoo.

This is what a typical day in Málaga is like for them, a day they feel like they’ve lived for the hundredth time.

That is, until the shrill sound of Kyungsoo’s ringtone cuts through the noise of the plaza. The caller ID bears the name of someone Kyungsoo hasn’t heard from for quite some time.

“Hello?” Kyungsoo says as he brings the phone to his ear, gauging whether he should feel happy or worried that an old friend has called after so long. He immediately settles on the latter when he realizes that this phone call wouldn’t be happening if everything was alright. Kyungsoo glances at his wristwatch and makes a quick calculation to account for the time difference between him and the person at the other end of the line. “It’s almost 2 a.m. there. What’s wrong?”

A sigh resonates through the speaker. “You need to come home.”

* * *

The rest of the day passes by in a haze.

Kyungsoo still feels like his heart has been stepped on hours after hearing the news. If he’s going to be completely honest, going back to Los Angeles is something that hasn’t left his mind since he left — it’s like a rancid itch in his subconscious that just wouldn’t go away, but he had never imagined that it would be under these circumstances.

Kyungsoo has spoken very few words since the phone call this morning, but, as always, Chanyeol doesn’t try to force him to talk about it.

Chanyeol doesn’t let go of Kyungsoo’s hand even as he drives, even giving Kyungsoo small, reassuring smiles from time to time. But as much as Kyungsoo loves Chanyeol, the gestures do little to make him feel better.

But it isn’t Chanyeol’s fault. Grief doesn’t have a cure-all.

Soon, the city dissolves behind them and the airport comes into view. But as they inch closer and closer to the departure gates, a nagging thought at the back of Kyungsoo’s mind is telling him to turn around and sit this one out.

“Hey, are you okay?” Chanyeol asks.

Having realized just now that they’re already stopped, Kyungsoo nods weakly. “Yeah. I’m good. I’m just… scared.”

“Of coming back home?”

But that’s the thing: Kyungsoo doesn’t consider Los Angeles as home anymore.

Sure, that’s where he grew up in, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss it, but it’s also possible for one to miss something without wanting to go back to it. Los Angeles has been painful for the most part, and Kyungsoo’s afraid of reliving that pain when he sets foot there again.

But Kyungsoo can’t say any of those things, so he just gives Chanyeol a faint smile before stepping out of the car where he’s greeted by the cold winter air. Chanyeol follows suit and goes on to haul Kyungsoo’s luggage out of the trunk.

“You know, you don’t have to go alone,” Chanyeol says softly as he hands Kyungsoo his bags. “I have my passport with me. I can—”

“No, Yeol. You don’t have to do that.”

“I know,” Chanyeol whispers, taking Kyungsoo’s hands into his. “But you said you were scared. You don’t have to force yourself to go alone if you don’t want to.”

“I haven’t been to LA since I left, so of course I’m scared,” Kyungsoo says. A half-hearted chuckle falls from his lips. “But this is something I have to do on my own. I think I owe him that much, at least.”

Chanyeol purses his lips. Kyungsoo expects him to say something along the lines of how he doesn’t owe anyone anything, but instead, Chanyeol simply nods. “Okay,” Chanyeol says after a while. “Kinda sucks how I won’t have my New Year’s kiss this year, though.”

Kyungsoo laughs, the first genuine one he’s allowed himself all day, and for a brief moment, his chest doesn’t feel like it’s carrying the world. He kisses Chanyeol, letting it linger for a couple of seconds before pulling away, and says, “There. It’s two days early, but you’ll take it, won’t you?”

Chanyeol smiles and touches the tip of his nose to Kyungsoo’s. “When have I ever said no to you?”

* * *

Kyungsoo hates nothing more than long-haul flights.

His body aches in places he didn’t know it could, and when he finally lands on LAX, he feels like he’s going to pass out at any moment. The fact that it’s 7 a.m. and already way too bright in Los Angeles isn’t helping his case because his body’s still running on Spanish time.

He sees Junmyeon outside the arrival gate almost immediately, holding a Starbucks cup in one hand and a poorly-handwritten sign that says ‘MY FAVORITE CLIENT’ in the other.

“I haven’t seen you in five years and the first thing you do is lie to me,” Kyungsoo comments flatly. “I wasn’t your favorite client.”

His former agent rolls his eyes and hands him the coffee. “Nice to see you too,” Junmyeon says. “You look like shit, by the way.”

Kyungsoo eagerly accepts the caffeine. His body sorely needs energy right now after that horrendous eighteen-hour flight. He doesn’t even try to rebut Junmyeon’s statement because he does feel like shit. Physically and mentally.

“Thanks for the coffee,” Kyungsoo says when they get inside Junmyeon’s car.

“I knew you’d be needing it,” Junmyeon shrugs. “I know how much you hate flying. But you’ll probably get sick of coffee by the weekend. That’s all we have at the funeral.”

Kyungsoo’s stomach roils at that last word. A painful reminder of what he’s really here for.

Suddenly the coffee tastes unbearably bitter on his tongue. He puts it back in the cup holder and looks out the window as the city passes by in flashes of relatively low-rise buildings, quaint cafés, and people rushing to where they needed to be.

Los Angeles hasn’t changed much, that’s for sure. But the people living in it have, and there’s one less of them.

“How did it happen?”

Junmyeon heaves a deep breath as he merges onto the 134. “The coroner said his breathing continuously slowed down until it just stopped. Bad way to go, I guess.”

Kyungsoo can’t imagine how terrible that must’ve felt like — feeling like drowning when you’re nowhere near water, with no one to hear you screaming for help because you don’t have enough air in your lungs to blow the words out.

“Heroin?”

Junmyeon shakes his head. “Vicodin. And vodka, I think.” When Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything, he continues, “Jongdae found him. He called me in the middle of the night and told me he had a hunch that something was wrong. When he got there, the poor kid was on his couch and not breathing. Paramedics couldn’t do anything.”

Threats of tears sting Kyungsoo’s eyes, but he holds it together. “I thought… He was clean, wasn’t he? He told me that in his last letter.”

“He sent that four years ago, Soo,” Junmyeon replies quietly, his voice almost a whisper. “But yeah, we thought so too. I don’t blame him, though. He’s human. We’re all human. It’s not easy to stay on the right track all of the time.”

They turn right onto Sunset Strip after a few miles; a cold wave of nostalgia washes over Kyungsoo. He still remembers the nights they hopped from one nightclub to another like it was yesterday, how they walked through this very boulevard while the world was spinning in their minds, how Junmyeon would pick them up when they’re too wasted to even stand.

It reminds him of his youth — of his hopefulness, but also of his carelessness. Los Angeles is the kind of place that chews you up and spits you out, and he’s afraid that coming back here means that he’ll be eaten up again.

Every corner of this city reeks of memories, some more than others. But Kyungsoo can trace all of these memories back to the club on the corner of Sunset and Larrabee, its all-black exterior sticking out like a sore thumb in the multicolored boulevard.

“I heard Viper was sold,” Kyungsoo remarks as they drive by the nightclub.

“Yeah,” Junmyeon confirms. “There’s this rumor that’s been going around for about two years now. They say it’s gonna be demolished to make way for a hotel.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t take his eyes off the club until after they’ve completely passed by it. “Like House of Blues. They closed that one down just a little after I left, right?”

“They did. They demolished it two years after that. People were pissed, naturally. But they got over it since they didn’t have a choice. I’m sure that’ll happen too when Viper closes for good,” Junmyeon says.

It sucks, Kyungsoo thinks, when something that’s been there for the whole time just disappears — like House of Blues, like Viper. It disrupts the comfort of knowing it exists, that it’s there at arm’s length, like deleting a photo from a very special day. There’s nothing else to remember it by, no evidence that it really did happen.

Kyungsoo probably hates cliches the most next to long-haul flights, but that cheesy sentiment of realizing that you took something for granted only when it’s no longer there has never hit closer to home than it did before. People take things for granted because they always thought it wasn’t going anywhere.

“That’s where you first met him, right?” Junmyeon asks. “During one of my birthday parties?”

A warm feeling springs from Kyungsoo’s chest, and he welcomes it with a faint smile. “Yes,” he answers, and the years melt away as he remembers that night. 

May 2014

“Scotch on the rocks,” Kyungsoo says to the bartender.

The bartender smiles and nods, whipping out a glass with some ice and then filling it halfway with Chivas 12. “First time here?” he asks.

Kyungsoo shakes his head. He picks up the glass and takes a generous swig from it. “I’ve been here before. I just don’t come often.”

The Viper Room’s secret whiskey bar isn’t exactly a secret anymore, at least for locals. The staircase leading to it is just past the cashier, but it’s easy to miss if you don’t know that it exists. It’s where locals come to take it slow if they aren’t in the mood to party upstairs.

“Ah, figures,” the bartender shrugs. “Haven’t seen you before in Junmyeon’s parties. How do you know him?”

Kyungsoo downs the rest of his drink, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. “He’s my agent. I signed with him just a few weeks ago.” He slides his glass back to the bartender, asking him to pour another one. “How do you know Junmyeon?”

“He always rents the bar on his birthday,” the bartender explains. This time he pours from a different bottle. Kyungsoo catches the familiar logo, but isn’t quite sure which kind it is.

“That looks expensive,” he says. “Should you be giving that to me so generously?”

The bartender chuckles. “It’s a congratulatory drink, for signing with one of the best agents in Hollywood. On the house, of course.”

Kyungsoo shrugs. He takes back the drink wordlessly because it’s difficult to argue with free premium booze. He takes a small sip of the golden liquid, letting out a low whistle as soon as he’s tasted it. “Damn. What is this?”

“Thirty year-old Walker. Master Blender, 1880,” the bartender says, a smirk playing on his lips. He pours one for himself and then brings his glass up to Kyungsoo’s. “A toast. For your career. LA’s a shark tank, but I’m sure Junmyeon will take care of you.”

They both laugh, finishing their drinks in one clean swig.

“Should you be drinking on duty, Minseok?” a voice asks from behind Kyungsoo.

The stranger takes the seat on the bar next to Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo can’t help but shy away from the sudden encroachment. He looks familiar, Kyungsoo thinks.

The bartender, whose name is Minseok, apparently, lets out an easy laugh. “I tend the bar, Minho. It takes more than half a glass of scotch to get me drunk.”

A lightbulb goes off in Kyungsoo’s mind. Choi Minho. That’s why he looked familiar.

Someone calls Minseok from the far end of the bar, leaving Kyungsoo with the newcomer. But Kyungsoo doesn’t pay him any attention. He takes a newfound interest in his drink, swirling the liquid in the glass until the ice cubes melt.

“Man, Minseok flirts with everyone who asks for a drink from him,” Minho says, breaking the silence.

Kyungsoo takes another sip without sparing him a glance. “He wasn’t flirting. He was making conversation,” he replies indifferently.

“O-oh. Yeah. I was just kidding,” Minho stammers as he lets out a nervous laugh. “I’m Choi Minho, by the way.”

Minho extends his hand out for Kyungsoo to shake, but Kyungsoo just stares at him blankly. “I know who you are. I’m not interested.”

“What?” Minho laughs, but again, it comes out shaky, like he’s embarrassed. “Jeez, I was just introducing myself. No need—”

A chuckle coming from Kyungsoo’s left interrupts whatever pathetic excuse Minho was about to come up with.

Kyungsoo turns his head to the source of laughter, his eyes falling on the man sitting a few stools away from him. Mild amusement dances on the man’s face with his lips curled into a mischievous smile. He’s beautiful, Kyungsoo thinks, but that isn’t the most striking thing about him — it’s his hair, dyed silver-gray, which looks luminescent even in the dim lighting of the bar.

“The kid said he’s not interested, Minho,” the man says. “Better leave him alone before a sexual harassment lawsuit that you can’t bribe yourself out of flies your way.”

Minho leaves without another word, his hands balling into fists on his side.

Kyungsoo looks at the silver-haired man once again. A satisfied smirk is playing on the man’s lips, obviously pleased with himself for saving someone from the likes of Choi Minho.

“Thanks,” Kyungsoo says. His face feels unusually warm, and he isn’t sure whether it’s because of the scotch or because of the man sitting just a few feet away from him.

“Don’t mention it,” he replies, taking a swig out of his beer. “Smart of you to turn him away without giving him your name.”

“It’s a small industry. You hear things one way or another.”

The silver-haired man laughs, putting his perfect teeth on display. Kyungsoo swears his heart skipped a beat, and he hates how he felt it; he should be used to beautiful people by now. He is in Tinseltown, after all.

And yet here he is blushing, all because some actor has thrown him a dazzling smile.

“You’re Junmyeon’s new kid, right?” the man asks.

“If by kid you mean a client and not like a boy toy or something, then yes,” Kyungsoo says. He stands up from his seat and moves closer to his new acquaintance, offering his hand. “Doh Kyungsoo.”

The man chuckles and accepts the handshake. “Ah, so you’re the kid from that play in Bootleg Theater Junmyeon’s been raving about. He must’ve been over the moon when you finally signed onto him.”

“Well, it wasn’t a hard choice to begin with. He has a good track record.” Kyungsoo scratches the back of his neck. He’s never been used to being at the receiving end of compliments, especially when they’re about his acting.

“So, what do you think about the script?”

Kyungsoo freezes, his drink stopping in midair. “What script?”

“Ah, he hasn’t told you yet…” the man smiles knowingly. “I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise, but let’s just say we’re about to see more of each other.” He stands up from his seat, straightening out the blazer over his white shirt. “Byun Baekhyun,” the silver-haired man finally introduces himself.

But Kyungsoo already knows who he is.

Read the rest of the chapters here.

Listen to this fic’s playlist here.

[spacebunsandeverything]

Missing Someone Like You

You’d never thought you’d gather the attention of Park Jimin again, or that he seemed to have forgotten that night, the night that would always stay with you.

College/ ex-friends to lovers AU Angst/ Fluff

Park Jimin. Who didn’t know him? He was sweet, courageous and a huge dork. Apparently, he had the ability to make girls hearts burst with a single wink. You knew that more than anyone, although he probably forgot.

The two of you had grown up together, him with the beautiful smile and love of dance, and you with eyes like stars and love of photography and art. A pretty pair you were, even if it seemed to shock everyone who knew you. They used to call him ‘Bubbles’. Everyone loved him, and he loved them all back. With a heart so full of love, who wouldn’t fall for him? After spending at least ten years with him cuddling you, something was bound to bloom, and it ripped you apart.

18. The age of new beginnings and mistakes. Maybe confessing whilst out with your best friend and the girl who basically wanted to own him wasn’t the best idea, but who said you could read minds. It was late, and the stars were out, after what felt like years of cloudy, rainy nights. Which is ironic, considering it was raining that night. Perhaps telling him you loved him was not the best idea. Telling him you thought you had fallen in love with him years ago was even worse.The way he turned you down wasn’t as bad as some others. He told you that you were like his sister, and he wouldn’t want to damage your friendship. So he did the opposite, and ignored you straight afterwards.

The next evening, your parents told you that they were getting a divorce and your first instinct was to run to him. But he wasn’t there, he was on a date with that girl. In the end, you told his parents everything, down to his words when he rejected you. They weren’t happy. Not at all. After all, they were certain that he liked you back. In the end, it felt like you couldn’t keep anything from them, nor did you want to. They felt like your family.

It felt strange to be ignored by Jimin, and to walk alone through school. You didn’t have many friends until a kid called Jungkook started to follow you around and chat to you about cameras. He was a good laugh, and could carry you around on his shoulders if you wanted. Somewhere along the way, you made him promise you to go to the same university that you were. He became your brother, and knew everything about you. Losing Jimin wasn’t so bad with him by your side.

It was strange to drive up to university by yourself, but it wasn’t so bad. You made fast friends with a dude called Taehyung in your photography class, and later worked with him on almost every project in that class. You also shared a similar love of bad romance films. Eventually, it felt like he’d been there forever, and that Jimin was an imaginary friend. Tae always lead you in mostly the right direction, and you were there to pull him back when he didn’t. Fridays went from working on projects to pizza and movie nights.

Jungkook fit in perfectly with the two of you, becoming a willing model and always being there to lug around your stuff when you had one of those days. It became perfectly domestic in a way that made everything feel right. There were days that you just went out because you felt like it and days that staying inside drinking proper hot chocolate was right.One day Jungkook brought Yoongi to you, who was bitter and sweet like dark chocolate, and with him came Namjoon, a giant with the kindest heart on earth. The words always came out of Yoongi’s mouth right the first time, and Namjoon could make you think by asking something as simple as ‘“Are crabs sentient?”’ They became your home, and your escape.

You ran into Jimin once, and it was filled with tension. Not sexual tension either, one of words left unsaid and battles that would never happen. It was short and curt, like ex-lovers, not the friends you once were. No harsh words were said, but it felt like there should have been. You’d heard that he had broken up with her, once she got bored with him. She actually started chasing Yoongi, which was funny to all of you as he was whipped for someone called Yuna. It almost looked like Jimin blamed you for it, and to be fair, you never trusted her. He left without saying goodbye before you could tell him that your parents had divorced. He almost fled you, like he was afraid you were going to confess again. Which was even more hilarious, considering you got over him to an extent. He was an ache in you chest, only you couldn’t take painkillers for it like that time you sprained your ankle. In all honesty, you never thought you’d speak to him again.

It was months later that you saw him again, and it was when you were walking through the streets of Busan with Jungkook and Taehyung, on the way to the house you’d grown up in. You had to do a project on your home, and you two were taking it literally, with photos of where, and in Tae’s case, who you’d grown up with. Then, there would be photos of you and your friends apartments with everyone there, even some of the weird people the Namjoon knew there. Somewhere along the way, you’d realized that it was the people who made somewhere a home, not what is actually there. That may have been why it never felt right when Jimin wasn’t there when you were younger.

He was walking behind you, and decided that it was a perfect time to call out to Jungkook, just as you were about to talk to him. It lead to rather tense looks from Tae, who knew about everything that had happened, and would probably have punched Jimin, were you not holding him back. Maybe he remembered when you said, “I wish I’d fallen in love with someone like you,” or maybe he just hated Jimin. He did have a bit of a thing for Jungkook after all. For someone who said they never wanted to talk to you again, he seemed awfully interested in you, or more why you were back in Busan. He was the one who never came home to see his parents. Too busy partying, or enjoying all the attention that being a dancer came with. And then, he spoke. “Y/N? I haven’t spoken to you in ages! We need to hang out again. Maybe whilst you’re here?” Some distant part of you wanted to say yes. But it wasn’t worth the ache in your chest. He wasn’t worth crying over, not anymore. It was worth the nostalgia, and you said yes, just for the memories. After you hung out, you found yourself in bed with him. That was an interesting development. As was the fact that his room hadn’t changed one bit. There was even that old polaroid of the two of you on the wall. You remembered that day, it was before you messed everything up. Before you realized you were in love with him. Maybe you should never have confessed, never told him how you felt. It broke the two of you apart. But you did meet everyone you care about afterwards. You wouldn’t change a thing.

He wasn’t there when you got up, neither was their a note. He’d just left. Maybe you should never have gone and ended up in bed with him. It was clear that he only wanted a quick lay from you, and not to actually to smooth things out with you. And maybe the look on Tae’s face when you escaped back to your house and told him, was the worst thing. You didn’t do any of the work that day, and actually spent it all in his arms. He was truly your friend, and knew what you needed, when you needed it.

You avidly avoided Jimin for the most of your time in Busan again. Unfortunately, he caught you on your last day there. “Y/N! Wait!” His voice filled your ears, and it felt familiar. “What do you want Jimin?” Maybe your spoke with anger or hurt, but he seemed put off. “We need to talk. Somewhere private.” Oh now he wanted to talk. “Fine. Take me there.” He had changed.

You two had walked to the diner, or the place that was your favourite hangout. You could remember many evenings spent over chocolate milkshakes there. It had so much history. The decor hadn’t even changed much! “Y/N. Look, I’m really sorry about leaving you. My parents wanted to go out and didn’t take no for an answer. They basically pulled me out of the house!” Of course it was his parents fault. Of course it was. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” It would have felt cold to him, but that was how you truly felt now. “What happened to you? Why do you treat me so coldly now?” Well you could make a nice list for him if he wanted it so badly. “Well, having your heart broken is quite a good reason. So is seeing your parents divorce.” Your voice was filled with spite. “What? They divorced? Why didn’t you tell me?” Oh here we go. “I tried! You ignored me whenever I tried to speak to you, you ran off! You always ignored me!” Jimin looked immensely shocked. “I-what? But I didn’t?” “Bullshit! You literally stopped working with me on any group project! I didn’t have any friends in our year! I had no one to work with!” He was tearing up. “But- I didn’t- If I did-” He’d actually started crying now! You should be the one crying! You were the one who’d lost everything that you believed in! So you obviously ended up leaving, because that’s the best thing you can do when someone you loved is crying.

Once again, you ended up confiding in Tae, curled up on your bed. You were behaving like a kitten, which was probably adorable until you ended up snotty crying all over his jeans. Jungkook ended up coming over as well, bringing chocolate, popcorn and bad romance films to help you get over your pain. It probably didn’t do much more then cause you to gain a few pounds. You could hear someone banging on the door, but none of you felt like moving.

You left for Daegu two days later, and spending time with Tae’s family was probably some of the most fun you’d had in a while. You saw where he got his kindness from. Any and all of the photos were beautiful, and you ended up finding Yoongi one day too. His parents were lovely, if a bit stiff, but his mum did make delicious kimchi.

Once you went back to Seoul, life felt normal again. Everyone was back together, and no one questioned your mysterious hook-up. Friday nights were spent over pizza, and occasionally alcohol. However, you were the one avoiding Jimin now. It still felt like you been played by him, and that was what hurt the most. Resentment and revenge were not good things to keep inside, but there was no chance in hell that you were doing anything about it.  Yoongi started to disappear sometimes, and through the gossip tree (read Jackson), you discovered that he was helping a dancer with music and composition. You did end up finding out in the end, and bright, bubbly Hoseok joined your group. Jungkook knew him too, and apparently Jimin did too.

As an unspoken rule, your friends never went to parties, but Hoseok did drag you all too a few. You, Namjoon and Yoongi spent all your time awkwardly standing near the drinks hoping to never have come. However, one good thing happened at a party, Tae ended up drunkenly confessing to Jungkook, and their relationship soared from there. It was sweet, abet gross to see them together.

It was at one of these parties that you ran into Jimin again. He looked good. That was the worst part, after going back to Busan, your attraction to him resurfaced. Maybe hooking up with him then wasn’t a good idea. Everything you’d felt had resurfaced. Life was not treating you well. Obviously, hiding next to the drinks wasn’t the best idea, ad he made his way over to you. “Y/N,” He slurred. Oh great “I love you…” “You’re drunk Jimin, go home.” “But I love you, I always have. You were so pretty and perfect and she was a distraction and then you confessed and I fucked up and said no and ignored you and broke your heart and then fucked you and broke your heart again and then you ignored me and now you’re here in front of you and I could just eat you out no up.” He managed to get all that out before hiccuping which is surprising. “Jimin you need to leave. This isn’t the time to rectify mistakes. Go home.” Thank you Namjoon. “Fine but I will find you and love you.” He wandered off, ideally to never been seen again.

After that, you barely went outside unless you had to. It was probably a far too extreme method of ignoring him but it worked. You rarely ever saw him. Life got better again, and somehow you made a new friend. Jae. He was fun and a change. Never asked questions, and always provided food. It was easier to avoid Jimin with him. He wasn’t interested in popularity, or doing much more than playing with his band and graduating. Jimin disappeared again, and none of you could care less. There were rumors of course, of him fucking, and then stopping fucking anyone. They said he was a monk, girls said that they were the best he’d ever had, and had ruined him for anyone else. Some said he’d fallen in love. As if he could do that.

Seasons passed by and things changed quickly. Life was peaceful once again, and everyone had settled again. There were sometimes moments where you felt a weight on your heart, as if you made a mistake. It was easy to dismiss this feeling, and there was probably nothing to it. After all, what did you have to regret?

Why? Why was Jimin at your door? What stupid thing has he done now? And of course, you did the normal sane person thing. You let him in. And oh boy, he was crying. Since you’d met and ended up becoming closer to Yoongi, you’d lost some of your empathy. That was not good. It was hard to understand what he said, but it sounded like apologies. Why was he saying sorry? He hadn’t done anything recently. “Y/N I’m sorry I was so mean-” He sniffed. “Quiet Jimin, you don’t know what you’re saying.” “Yes I do! I hurt you again!” “So what? Do you really still think it’s like the first time?” “What?” “Jimin, you really think I’m the same person I was when I was 18?” “Yes…” “Oh my fucking god how dumb can you be? People do change over 3 years!” “But-” “You left me with no friends Jimin! I couldn’t talk to anyone without them asking if I was actually in love with you! Kook was the only one who didn’t care! And then, I had to start uni alone! I didn’t have anyone to eat with again! Do you know how many times I wanted to go home? Wanted to give up and spend all my time with Kook?” “But you had Tae?” “You really think I’d actually tell him I couldn’t cope? That’s one hell of a way to lose a friend!” Oh great, now you’re crying too. “You had me…” “Since when?! You’d actually come and help?!” “No…” “Exactly!” “I’m sorry… “ “I fucking hate you Park Jimin.” “I know.”

Oh wait fuck. Now you’re kissing. Why the fuck are you kissing? In all honesty, it wasn’t the worst kiss you ever had, no, that was Jackson when he was drunk out of his mind. Did he mean to - probably not but he could never hold his liquor, even if he tried. And you’re pretty sure he’s never tried anything in his life.

“Jimin? Why?” “I’ve wanted to do that for years.” “You didn’t answer my question.” “You looked so good and I just wanted to and I’m sorry please don’t hate me.” “So you wanted to kiss me just now?” “Well I’ve wanted to kiss you a lot but I only realised now or a while ago I can’t remember.” “Are you drunk?” “I have to be to talk to you.” “You fuckface.” Now that definitely came from Yoongi. “Please forgive me.” “If I didn’t forgive you why would I be talking to you?” “Oh… Do you want to go on a date with me?” “As long as you’re sober.”

And everything ended happily ever after. Apart from that one time he fell down the stairs.

[chicoboco]

Suzuki Aina’s 1st Photobook interview

Today is Ainya’s birthday! 2 years ago, I worked with Ray to bring you the interview from her first photobook “Airabu.” ! Enjoy reading as our favourite shiny ojiisan share with us her experiences as she goes around Kominato Railway and look back at the past 2 years, and pray for us to get a 2nd photobook of our smol ojiisan!!

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The scenery from the train window, the station gives me a nostalgic feeling.

The location of this photo album was taken at Kominato Railway in Chiba Prefecture. With three patterns of costumes, with the first costume being a school girl’s uniform.

Ainya: I was worried that I would look like a fake high school girl (laugh). But I was able to remember the nostalgic feeling about the high school days and I was very happy.

Rather than a fake high school girl, isn’t it more like a junior high school?

Ainya: Junior high school is too young you know!  (laugh)

I’m sorry (laugh), it wasn’t meant to sound weird

Ainya: No, it’s okay. I don’t mind, anyway, thank you. (laugh)

The shoot that was taken in the train had a nice atmosphere didn’t it?

Ainya: Well I’m from Hokkaido, and the train was running in a similar atmosphere.

It certainly does not seem strange to be running in Hokkaido

Ainya: It is, well the trains I mean. We can see the rice fields and there are no tall buildings visible from the train window, the scenery and the train station are also nice. It has the same familiar atmosphere as my hometown. In addition to having to wear the uniforms, I started to feel all the nostalgia come back to me.

Have you ever been on a train?

Ainya: I have, that was when I was in high school. While shaking and rattling for about an hour, I fell asleep

At the time of the shoot, did you feel like you were returning back to the high school days?

Ainya: Mm that’s right. The theme of this photobook is “Journey”.  When I was actually travelling on Kominato Railway, it felt like I was going on “A journey to look back on life” and it reminded me of my high school days.

I see. By the way, while inside the train, you were playing (messing) around with the hanging strap like crazy weren’t you?

Ainya: At that time, there weren’t many people on the train so I messed around like crazy (laughs). Of course when a passenger comes, I won’t scare them away.

I understand (laugh). By the way, have you ever actually traveled by yourself?

Ainya: I haven’t, because my sense of direction is pretty bad. Even when I was at my parents house, I felt like “travelling by myself was unthinkable” (laugh)

It’s dangerous to have Aina to travel alone huh (laugh)

Ainya: Yeah that’s right (laugh)! Because there’s a possibility that I will get lost while wandering aimlessly. Of course there is always that feeling of wanting to go somewhere far away by myself. A desire to walk around a place with good scenery while listening to a music.

Is there any place you would like to travel by yourself specifically?

Ainya: During the shoot this time I soaked my feet in the foot bath right? Well I love hot springs in the first place but thanks to that foot bath, my love to hot spring become even stronger!. So I would like to go around Atami. (TL Note: Atami is a hot spot for hot springs)

It is quite close from Tokyo so it may be nice right?

Ainya: Ah, but it will be too lonely to go to the hot spring alone (laugh). That’s why, if I go I’ll drag my friends! It will be a short trip by train.

It will be a fun trip. However, it seems to be still a long way for you to go on a trip by yourself.

Ainya: It is. I wonder if I can become more independent?  (laugh)

Experiencing my first foot bath helped me relaxing my mind and body as I remembering my childhood

The second costume was a one piece, a cardigan, and a straw hat. What do you think of this costume?

Ainya: A white one-piece cloth and a straw hat gives off this street girl feeling isn’t? It’s packed with the feelings of a pure girl. Something that’s been loved by everyone since a long time ago, and that no one dislikes. Because I haven’t really had the experience of wearing those sort of “pure girl” clothes, being able to wear them makes me happy. The thought of “girls wearing these kind of clothes often appear in anime” and “a girl that is smiling and laughing on a sunflower field while basking under the summer sun” came to my mind while i’m wearing it, (laugh)

But instead of sunflower field, it’s a quite nice scene how the costume reflected together with the ripened flowers

Ainya: Really? I also thought how the ripe flowers blossoms were cute.

The clothes, your presence and the the ripen flowers. The feeling of these three things combined were giving this nice feeling

Ainya: Im so happy! Thank you very much!

Do your feelings also change when you are wearing the clothes?

Ainya: It gave me the feeling that I be more graceful than usual. While waiting for a train, I thought that “I should not do things that look indecent or too vulgar”. Ah, it’s not like I’m usually indecent or anything! (laugh)!

I don’t think you’re like that. Well, occasionally you do something weird don’t you? (Laugh)

Ainya: That’s right! There are times where I do stupid things (laugh)! Anyway, when I was wearing those clothes, I wanted to behave a bit more elegantly. That one piece must not be disgraced!

That feeling, was then able to be reflected on the 3rd costume isn’t?

Ainya: That’s correct. That costume is like the clothes that I wear usually and something I thought that I would love to wear. I didn’t feel out of place wearing it and I was just in my usual self.

It just felt really natural huh?

Ainya: That’s how I feel. Also, sometimes I wore sneakers and beach sandals, so I thought there’s this “summer” atmosphere feeling in my heart.

The feeling of playing around on the riverside was also nice isn’t it?

Ainya: Ah! It’s time to fish! I’m in high spirits when I do that~ (laughs)

Also in this costume you soaked in the foot bath which I was talking about just now

Ainya: That foot bath was my first experience, and it feel really pleasant! Although it was only the legs that were soaked, it’s amazing how my whole body was also also warmed up from the foot bath.

Nonetheless it is nice to have a foot bath at the station isn’t it?

Ainya: I really think so! Especially in the winter! If you’re tired from work and you’re on the way home, having a foot bath by the station is the best thing. I want my home station to have one too~  (laugh)

Seeing old trains and soaking your legs in the foot bath at this station gives off a nice feeling huh?

Ainya: Yeah, I thought that I could stay here forever. I wanted to stay more~

Overall, what are your thoughts on this location?

Ainya: To summaries, I really enjoyed myself. I think that it was a good journey in sense that it made me feel like I was in my teenage years again.

Are you feeling that you just had both a train journey and a space-time journey while relaxing and soaking in a foot bath?

Ainya: It felt exactly like that. Somehow it’s kind of embarrassing (laugh). But it was really comfortable. Everyone, if you get the chance to visit, please try to soak in the foot bath! (TL Note: “space-time journey” I’m guessing it’s talking about whether the foot bath felt spiritual or something like that)

Looking back at the first installment series… I thought that I grew a little bit

In this photo album from the March 2016 issue, Suzuki’s series that is still going on “Magical Girl Miracle Aina” are also included. I heard that you used to like “Magical Girl” from a long time ago?

Ainya: I liked it a lot! Since I was young, as I’ve always liked concepts like “Magical Girls” and “Transforming girls”, I used to watch those on TV a lot. For example…when I was in elementary school, the show I liked was “Mermaid Melody Pichi Pichi Pitch. I yearned to be like Mermaid Princess Naomi Ruchia-Chan who would transform and sing songs. Later on of course, I also loved “Beautiful fighting girls Sailor Moon”! Other than that, “Futari wa pretty cure” and “Magical Doremi”…

It’s all coming out huh? (laugh)

Ainya: I’m sorry (laugh). Oh, and also, I really liked “Fushigiboshi no ☆ Futagohime ” – It is a story about the twin princesses that try very hard to use magic! Anyway, when I was a child I really had a longing for  magical girls. I’ve always pretended to be a magical girl and I thought “I also want to fly in the sky one day” (laugh)

In Seiyuu Paradise, your dream of becoming a magical girl has came true didn’t?

Ainya: Yes! I also was longing for “Futago Hime” at that time, so I thought that I wanted to be a princess, and it also came true at the second series (May 2016 issue). I was really happy~

By the way, do you remember the time when the shoot was taken at the hamburger shop for the first series (March 2016 issue)?

Ainya: Yes. At that time, as I wasn’t used to taking pictures at all. I didn’t know how to strike poses, even when I was told to “walk a little there”, I was worrying over “How should I walk?”~

Then, looking back on the first photos how do you feel?

Ainya: It’s embarrassing (laugh). When I look at close ups of my pictures, I think “Wow, I’m really doing my best!”. But even though it’s embarrassing, I think I’m doing pretty well now. When I look at the pictures, it feels like I may be growing up properly now.

I see.

Ainya: Also, I think that through this series, I’ve also learned various things such as posing and expressions.

You said that you wanted to be a magical girl when you was in elementary school, but what kind of girl was Suzuki-san when she was a junior high school student?

Ainya: I like to move my body around a lot so I entered the track and field club. However, even though I had the stamina, I didn’t have power at all. So I was doing medium to long distance runs.

To say that you like to move your body, did you had a fun when you become a professional tennis player in the fourth series (September 2016 issue)?

Ainya: It was a lot of fun! However, although I like to move my body , I’m not good at any sports that involves balls, I can’t play tennis that well, after all, I don’t have the power, So I guess I’m not suitable for sports that involves balls I guess~

Actually in the previous issue of Seiyuu Paradise, A.U was also also wearing a tennis player outfit! And coincidentally you were also wearing a tennis player outfit. A.U thinks that you’re super cute in that outfit.

Ainya: No no no! No way! A.U is 100 times cuter than me! I swear! I truly respect her as a voice actor and even being compared to her is ridiculous!

In the next fifth series (November 2016 issue), you became a maid right?

Ainya: That’s right. I was wearing mint blue costumes, and I remember that costume was so cute. Speaking about maids, I think a white apron with black outfit is a classic one. But I also really liked that costume. By the way, I’ve been always wanted to try becoming a maid.

Why is that?

Ainya: I always liked Moe-type animations, and maid costume are one of the items that’s indispensable to Moe. So, when I was a high school student I thought that I would like to work as part-time at a maid cafe, although it didn’t come true.

In this series, you are becoming to what you really want. In the sixth series (January 2017 issue) you become Alice from “Alice in Wonderland”

Ainya: I really love it! if I get asked “What costume you would like wear again in this series?”, I will choose this costume. Of course, I really love “Alice in Wonderland” I was really happy!

Earlier you said that you “wear costumes”.

Ainya: Oh, no! I was “transforming” using magic! I’m making such a careless mistake ~ (laugh)

In the eighth series (May 2017 issue), you made the “transformation” to Tinkerbell and Wendy from the “Peter Pan”

Ainya: I was happy to be able to become Tinker Bell, a familiar character when I was a at young age. It had a dreamlike feeling as if I could go to “Neverland”.

You said you want to become Wendy.

Ainya: It’s the feeling of my brother saying “If I have a sister like that, I’m going to paper you”. (laughs)

Huh? You mean “sister” right?

Ainya: That’s right. it’s the elder daughter of two sisters, and there’s also a sister who is still under 2 years old. (TL Note: At this point they are probably talking about Tinker Bell which I have no knowledge on, sorry if I get anything wrong!)

Well, of course, you would like your sisters to be like Wendy, wouldn’t you?

Ainya: I wonder? (laugh) No, we get along well! Usually, because I’m really carefree while my little sister is the serious one, there’s a lot of times where she has to pull me back. It’s become a situation where the roles of the older and younger sister are reversed… I’m embarrassed.

What a sight for the eyes (laughs). But it’s a nice relationship isn’t it?. You seem to have learned folk songs since childhood, is it together with your sister?

Ainya: Yes. We were doing folk songs together. So there are dozens of yukatas and kimonos in our house.

As it turned out, the yukata appearance of the ninth series (July 2017 issue) really suits you well.

Ainya: Thank you very much. Certainly at that time, I had to stop “transforming” and “change clothes” like a normal person. (laugh).

I see.

Ainya: Really, because I was doing folk songs, it just makes me feel calm whenever I wear a yukata, and I like to eat soumen to help me feel more relaxed.

After that on the tenth series (September 2017 issue), you became a wife and the child. I don’t think that there’s that many people who can perform both at the same time

Ainya: For me, I also have the desire that “I want to be a good wife someday” and I’m glad it become a reality. Also because there’s the children, I also want to play as the child!

You’re probably the only seiyuu that entered the stroller. (laugh)

Ainya: Even though I’m considerably small, that stroller is quite cramped (laugh). Even so, to become the wife & the child at the same time, if you think about it, it is amazing. (laugh)

It sure is (laugh). Well, looking back on the series again, what do you think?

Ainya: When I look back at the two years of history, I start to feel somewhat emotional. Also it’s all thanks to Seiyuu Paradise R, the staff behind this, and everyone that have been supporting for allowing me to be able to continue to serialize the series. Just thinking about it like that, the word “Thank you” really is the only thing that comes to my mind.

This photo collection is packed with my 2 years of growth and appreciation

Then, what kind of book do you think this photo collection is?

Ainya: Generally, I think it became a book that’s filled with my feelings of “gratitude”. 2 years ago, I was in a state not knowing what to do, but I was helped and raised by so many people. I think that is exactly how this series appears, and in this Kominato Tetsudo location, I took the feeling of gratitude from everyone to my heart.

This photo collection included about two years of growth and appreciation isn’t?

Ainya: It is that kind of feeling.

As you was talking earlier, the way you makes expression may has change considerably

Ainya: It was awkward at the beginning because the smile was kinda forced. Everyone who looked at this photo collection would surely be thinking like “she’s getting the hang of this”. Now I can even make a pretty natural smile and a brave smile.

Even the relaxed smile on that foot bath scene may not have been happened?

Ainya: I don’t think that I could have done it.

Finally, a message to those who bought this photo collection!

Ainya: Truly, thank you so much for buying this photo collection! It was only because all of you that we could realize the dream of releasing a photo collection. From now on, I will continue to work hard so that I can become a voice actress that everyone will think “I want to support her.”, please continue supporting me!

Everyone who bought this photo collection must have been waiting for the second book!

Ainya: No way! It’s still too early! But if it possible to do such a thing, I wish I could give out a different feeling from this one.

Oh, is that mean a 2nd photo collection will come out?

Ainya: Aha, no way. it’s still too early! Anyway, please enjoy this 1st photo collection from corner to corner!

TL – Chicoboco, Ray

TLC, QC – Ray

Thank you all for reading this! We wish Ainya a very happy birthday!

[watchmegetobsessed]

Best friends - Shawn Mendes

i know yall are waiting for boundaries, butttt until i manage to put the next part together here is a cute fluff

You eye yourself in the mirror that takes up an entire wall in the elevator, and you notice how worried you look. Once you relax your forehead those small wrinkles soon make their way back to your face no matter how hard you focus to look calm. You hold the grocery bag to your chest tight as the elevator dings every time it passes a floor. Your teeth sink into your bottom lip, but when you realize you are doing it you quickly straighten your features. You don’t want to show up with a bleeding mouth to your best friend’s house for the first time after an entire year.

Shawn has been on tour in the past seven month, he had a lot of other gigs before that and you were also busy with school, then work, and a few months ago you were still dating a guy from literature class making him your priority which now seems like bullshit. The guy was a loser and you can’t believe you wasted so much time. Shawn wanted to fly you out once to one of his US concerts but you canceled on it for the guy. How ridiculous.

You’re not sure about the sudden nervousness. He is still the guy you were best friends with ten years ago, he is just taller, more handsome and oh, also a huge popstar now. But still the nicest guy you’ve ever known and despite the lack of contact between the two of you lately you are sure everything will be just like in the good old days. Except that you are hiding a huge secret from him now. The big fat crush you realized you have on him.

Your breakup urged you to realize why all your past relationships ended up dead if you don’t count your poor choice of men into it. You had some pretty promising sparks through the years, but somehow nothing seemed to be good enough for you, and the realization hit you harder than you were expecting. No one was good enough because no one was Shawn. Neither of those men were the guy you grew up with and relied on every time you needed a shoulder to cry on. Neither of them were your best friend you call immediately when something amazing or horrible happens, you didn’t stay up all night FaceTiming each other just because he watched a horror movie and it upset him so much he needed you to talk him into sleep. The history you shared with Shawn beats every other attempt any men have ever taken and there is nothing you can do about it.

The elevator doors slide open pulling you out of your nostalgia about what it was like when you were younger and Shawn was just an ordinary guy, when there weren’t screaming girls in his life, following him everywhere he went.

You pace down the hallway to his front door and push the doorbell with your nose having both your hands occupied with the bag. You sigh looking around in the hallway as you wait for him to open the door. The next door is pretty far from here, so the apartments must be big around here, your place is probably like Harry Potters room under the stairs compared to these homes here. Seven years ago you would have never thought this is where you’d be meeting Shawn.

The door flings open and a tall figure appears in front of you, a more mature and even more handsome version of the Shawn you last seen a year ago on the porch of your parent’s house when he came to have dinner with you and your family before flying to New York the next day. Back then you both though you’d see each other in only a couple of weeks, but the weeks turned into months and then a year.

His look dark in the lighting, a warm chocolate tone, and the shine in them breaks you into a smile, just as he grins at you happily as well.

“Y/N! Hey! Let me help you with that.” His hands reach for the bag and you hand it to him mumbling a silent thank you. The bag is filled with all the ingredients you need to make tiramisu, some snacks and a few beers you knew he would very much appreciate. Cooking together has always been your thing, Shawn has always been in charge of the actual food while the dessert was your field and you knew he is dying for your tiramisu so there was no doubt what you’d be making when the two of you made the plan to finally meet a few weeks ago.

You follow him in, eyeing around curiously as this is your first time in his new place. He bought it months ago, but you never had the chance to see it in real life, only on photos.

“Do you want a tour?” he asks glancing back at you as he sets the bag down on the kitchen island.

“Would love that,” you nod your head grinning.

You follow him around as he is talking about his home in a very MTV Cribs way, but you’re enjoying it a lot, mostly because it shows that one year didn’t change a thing on his amazing personality.

“Pretty nice view,” you compliment standing in front of the window from where you can see the CN Tower in its tall glory.

“That’s one of the reasons I bought the place. I love just… sitting here in the evening, play the guitar and watch the lights.”

You can see his reflection in the glass of the window and his dreamy look over the city makes your stomach flip. Then he looks at you and the dreaminess is replaced with a boyish smile.

“So, how about we start cooking? I’m actually very hungry.”

“Okay, let’s go.”

While both of you work on your own part of the dinner he keeps asking you questions about everything, he is hungry to know all the things you didn’t have the chance to tell him over the phone. So you talk about school, about the classes you had, and then your new job comes up. He seems genuinely happy listening to you talk about your very normal, uneventful life while you know he has way more interesting stories up in his sleeves, but still, he just wants to listen to you.

Then you take the questioning in your hands, he tells stories about tour, about his friends and colleagues, about the wild and unbelievable life he has been living, and you can’t help but wonder how you are still in his life. Your way of living is nothing like his and it makes you feel insecure for a moment, but then a question of his diverts your attention.

“And how is the guy from literature? I’m sorry, I forgot his name,” he lets out an awkward chuckle and only then do you realize you never told him about the breakup.

“Cody and I broke up around September,” you state matter-of-factly causing him to put the knife down from his hand and turn to you.

“Really? You never told me. What happened?”

You shrug your shoulders. It was never a big deal, Cody was only interesting until the two of you had common things to talk about, but that was only literature. After two months, you quickly realized you are just too different and ended it in the fourth month already feeling like you gave too much of your time for him.

“It didn’t work out. Don’t worry, it was peaceful.” You give him a reassuring smile so he knows it wasn’t a trauma you went through alone. He nods his head taking in all the new information before turning back to the food.

He doesn’t bring Cody up again and you’re happy it’s kind of out of the way. You soon start talking about old things, stories that happened in high school when he was still a full-time student. His phone chimes into the conversation at one point, he washes his hand and grabs it from the counter. You look at him just in time to see him roll his eyes at the screen.

“What is it?” you ask as you finish up the last layer of the tiramisu.

“It’s just Andrew, he wants me to post a story, because I’ve been too inactive lately,” he explains as his fingers are tapping rapidly on the screen.

“What should you post?” you ask putting the box into the fridge so it can chill until the end of dinner.

His mouth opens, but then he stops and his eyes flicker up on you. You don’t understand what this means, but the sinister grin on his face already tells you it’s going to be wild.

“Do you remember the lift we used to do all the time in your backyard?”

“Oh my God, Shawn, no! We are not doing that again and definitely won’t record it.” You protest immediately. He steps closer putting his hands together as if he is praying to you and he is even pouting his lips at you.

“Please, let’s just do a try, it’d be funny. If we succeed, it will look cool and if not, people will laugh at least.”

“No! We haven’t done that in years and I know you are muscly, but I’m not sure you can lift me up,” you say avoiding his eyes, but then suddenly he pick you up and spins you around to show you, he is very much capable of lifting you up.

“See? I’m good. Come on, just give it a try.”

As much as you want to say no to him, you just can’t. So soon you two are in his living room with the furniture pushed out of the way and his phone set up, ready to record. You’re shivering nervously as you watch him press record and then he takes his place.

“Okay, Just trust me, I’ll catch you, promise,” he encourages you holding his hands out, ready for the jump.

The move was just a silly something you two came up with one summer. You have to run towards him, then stamp right before him, he catches you mid-jump with his arms wrapped around your thighs, and then you bend over his shoulder, he squats down and you basically swing over, your hands on the floor at first, then come up to standing at the end. Facing him you are not even sure you are able to swing over like that, you haven’t tried it in a long time.

“Y/N, come on! Trust me, it’ll be good,” he nags you clapping his hands together. You take a deep breath and start running.

It all goes smooth until you jump and he catches. None of you could keep balance suddenly, a high-pitched shriek escapes your throat as you start falling forward and Shawn’s feet slide on the hardwood floor. You both end up on the floor, you almost smash your face to the ground, but catch yourself just in time.

You both lie on the floor laughing uncontrollably as you try to untangle from each other.

“See, I told you!” You scold him laughing, wiping some tears away from your eyes.

“I’m sorry! Are you okay though?” he asks checking out if you have broken anything, but you are fine.

He ends the video and you watch it back. It’s even funnier on tape and you end up allowing him to post the part where you jump and then collapse to the floor. He doesn’t tag you in the video though, this is something you’ve agreed on before. You definitely don’t want all his fans to stalk your profile, even though they still can find you if they want.

In half an hour food is ready, Shawn made roasted chicken with grilled veggies and some fries. You set the table nice and just keep on talking while eating. You don’t seem to run out of things to say, something always comes up and it’s relaxing to know nothing has changed.

You eat the dessert sitting on the kitchen floor, another thing you two used to do a lot. Karen was very strict about sweets so whenever you were over at their place you’d sneak into the kitchen and sit on the floor, so Karen wouldn’t see you in there eating cake.

“Oh my God, this is so good,” he growls in satisfaction, his mouth full of tiramisu, you giggle to yourself.

“I’m the master of tiramisu,” you proudly say scooping some into your mouth and tasting the sweet cream.

“You definitely are, you could enslave me with this.”

You start laughing at the depth he just went into to compliment your work, and before you could think about it, something just slips your mouth.

“Yeah, I’m that good. I don’t even understand why you’re not dating me.”

You scoff lightly, but then you freeze mid movement, just like him, as you realize what you just said. The mood immediately changes and panic is creeping up on your neck, making your whole head feel numb.

You quickly think of something to say that can save the situation, and you end up just changing the subject.

“So, when are you leaving next time?” you ask the only thing you know will distract him from your previous comment. His leaving is a touchy subject, he has told you how guilty he feels for the one year hiatus, because after all, he was the one who left for months, and though you tried to convince him it’s totally alright, you understand it and that’s his job, he is just too stubborn to believe you.

“Um, I have to go to LA in a week, but I’m coming back at the end of the month.”

That means he will spend two weeks away from Toronto, away from you. That’s bearable.

You feel like he forgot about what you said earlier, so you also stop thinking about it. It was just a stupid slip of your mouth and you’re sure he didn’t really think it over.

You help him clean up in the kitchen and by the time you are done it’s almost midnight. You have to drive home, so you think it’s better to leave.

“I’m so happy we got to do this, just like we used to,” he smiles at you as he is walking you out. “We should do something next week before I fly out.

“Sure, I don’t really have plans, so… just hit me up,” you chuckle as you step out into the hallway.

“Will do. Take care and text me when you got home, okay?”

“Okay.”

You hug him shortly before heading to the elevator. It feels like everything weights on you at once when you think you are alone. You feel happy and loved for the way you two could be around each other just like in the old times, but then you think about that stupid you made on him dating you and you are positive you are a real idiot. You are very much lost in your own thoughts when you hear him call out for you.

Turning around you see him barefoot out in the hallway and you give him a puzzled look.

“Shawn, what are you-“

“I was thinking about what you said all night,” he says licking his lips and you hold your breath for a while as you stare at him and wait for him to continue. “I really don’t know why I haven’t dated you yet.”

Your eyes widen as you try to process what he is saying. He scratches the back of his neck as he is trying to find the words.

“Look, tell me if this is not a good time, or if you don’t feel the same way, but… this one year I’ve been missing you like crazy and I realized I want more than just be best friends with you. If you are in, I thought maybe… maybe we could like, go on a date or something.”

He is nervously fumbling with the hem of his shirt and staring at you he is waiting for your answer. You struggle to find your voice, but then you finally build up the courage to answer him.

“I-I would l-love that,” you mumble still unsure if this is really happening or not. His eyes light up hearing your words.

“Great! Good, um… how about, going out tomorrow? I can pick you up at seven.”

“Sure, it’s… it’s fine for me,” you say nervously tugging your hair behind your ears.

“Then… see you tomorrow,” he smiles at you and leaning down he presses a soft, tender kiss on your kiss.

You say goodbye, he disappears in his place and you take the elevator down. Turning to the mirror what you see is so much more different from what you saw when you were arriving. The beaming grin on your face is just endless, your heart is beating fast and your palms are sweaty and you are sure you’ve never been happier in your entire life.

[kpopplayroom]

Unrequited Love || Leeteuk || Angst

Your finger trembled as you took your phone into your hands and tried to dial his number. Sobs escaped your lips, your heart was torn in pieces.

You stared at him as he glanced at you one more time before leaving you alone.

'I'm coming'

You leaned your head on the cool wall behind you, 5 year of dedication, at least that's what you thought was gone

"I don't love you anymore"

Those words were singed into your heart. You didn't want to believe that it just happened but there you were sitting on the floor with your legs to you chest. He was gone and there was nothing you could do to get him back.

You tried to be angry with him but you couldn't, you drove him away. The I love you's you both share were no longer in existence, one side of the bed was always cold and you two never made time for each other.

You never talked to him about it and he never spoke to you. You both kept it inside until one of you broke. You stared at the wall for what felt like hours, your emotions running wild.

The door opened, your heart leaped but the excitement quickly died. Leeteuk sat by you and you practically jumped into his arms, he would be there for you anytime you needed someone.

You didn't remember what happened last night.

You woke up in the arms of Leeteuk. Your eyes burned and your cheeks felt heavy, as well as you heart.

You removed yourself from his embrace and made yourself a cup of black coffee and dumped a prepackaged cappuccino in a cup of hot water for Leeteuk. You stared at your now empty apartment, you'd have to move, there was no way you could afford a 3 bedroom apartment by yourself.

Leeteuk's groans signaled to you that he was awake. You took the cappuccino and handed it to him, he took it with a smile but you didn't return his warmth.

You sat on the couch with your legs up and Leeteuk followed you, he knew you needed him to listen.

"I should have tried harder" he looked at you from the corner of his eye

"There's no going back now" he took a sip of his drink

You counted the weeks as they passed by, nothing got better, each week was the same as the last. Leeteuk kept checking on you and it was nice of him but sometimes you wanted to be alone and he didn't understand that.

You woke up, went to work, went home then slept. Not counting the meals you prepared, everything was the same when you were with him, yet there was a warmth missing.

Maybe your relationship did come to its end or your ex boyfriend found something better in the secretary he was sleeping with. You knew he was cheating on you but you couldn't find the courage to confront him. You were afraid of this happening, in the end it was a disaster waiting to happen but you refused to admit that.

You found out when you forgot your watch at home, you went to go get it but you were greeted by your boyfriend at the time sucking face with a mystery woman who you found out was the secretary at his work place when he asked you to bring him his phone which you did look through to find dozens of racy photos shared between him and the woman but you kept your mouth shut

You constantly filled your nights with the thought of what could have gone differently but it all ended the same as your emotions took control.

Could you two have gotten married? Had a few children? Had that white picket fence dream?

You sighed one last time before handing over the keys to your landlady. It was time to leave that place, maybe it would do you good.

You were going to stay with Leeteuk for a month as you couldn't get your replacement apartment right away. The only problem was that his place only had one bedroom but he said that you two would make it work.

His apartment was quaint which was nice but the size was not something you liked, you remembered quarreling with your ex for weeks before he finally agreed to get a big place.

Leeteuk welcomed you warmly, you smiled softly at him. He was the greatest friend you could ever ask for. He was warm and sweet, something everyone needed.

"Are you hungry?" You looked up at Leeteuk from your phone, your friend was a very attractive man but you were never interested in him.

"I guess" you shrugged

He grinned before heading to the kitchen, it seemed like he was happy to cook for someone. You looked down at your phone once again, you found yourself lurking on your ex's Instagram, all the pictures you had together were gone.

You knew you shouldn't obsess over him but that was how you ended up together in the first place.

You stalked his Instagram until one day he liked one of your pictures and you gained the courage to send him a message which lead to video chats then actual dates.

The first week living with Leeteuk was different from what you experienced with your ex boyfriend, he was gentler and more genuine, almost precious.

He cooked for you, fixed the bed anytime you forgot to and kept you happy even though you didn't show it much.

You could tell he loved having you here, he used to complain about how lonely it was to live by himself and now he just talks about how nice it is to have you with him.

You knew it was sweet that he loves your company so much but your heart still ached for the man that left you.

You wished for your time to be up, that you could just get your own space, Leeteuk was suffocating you. You knew he meant well but you didn't like his compassion. You were used to healing by yourself, you don't even know why you texted him that night.

The days flew by as you tried your best to keep Leeteuk at bay but you would be a liar if you said you didn't enjoy his company.

The thunderstorm was unexpected, you laid in the borrowed bed trying to calm your mind you'd finally remembered why today was bothering you, it would have been your 6 year anniversary but here you are alone.

You stared up at the ceiling as you sobbed, you didn't need to see to tell that Leeteuk entered the room, you felt the bed shake as he moved to hold you.

You hated the fact that you liked his touch, you began to crave it. You couldn't fall for him, for his sake.

In the morning you tried to avoid him but he kept checking on you, you left his place to find quiet at the park but within hours your eyes caught those of the man you once loved and that was your queue to leave.

When you returned you were greeted by Leeteuk. He wanted to celebrate your last night together but you weren't completely interested however Leeteuk wouldn't take no for an answer.

He took you out for dinner and it seemed like money was no problem. You sat at the dinner table with him, hidden away from the rest of the guests. You felt special yet it didn't feel right that he was spending so much on you, you were only his friend.

You tried your best to keep as coy as possible but Leeteuk wasn't having it, he pushed you to talk to him, you wanted to confide into him but it was not a good idea.

The dinner was beyond your expectations, you wondered why he wasn't married yet, any woman would kill to have a man like him but you didn't fuss about it too much.

He placed an arm loosely around your shoulder, you knew he was looking at you but wouldn't dare gaze at him. His sigh told you that he wasn't happy but he kept on going.

You bit your lip, the keys to your apartment burned your skin through your dress pants. You'd gotten the keys a week early but you couldn't tell Leeteuk, you wanted to wait out the last days.

He took you to an ice cream parlor. The one you two met for the first time in, you smiled

"Excuse me, is that flavour any good?" the mystery man looked at you, he was gorgeous

He took an unused spoon from the stack that was on the counter and handed it to you after taking a chunk out of his ice cream with it

You were surprised by his actions but took it graciously. It was delicious, he chuckled at your reaction to the ice cream and offered to buy you one, you refused but he insisted until you gave in.

You finally looked up at Leeteuk and smiled weakly. You shared the same ice cream flavour you two ate 10 years ago when you met. The nostalgia was not pleasant to you. Anything that brought you back in time just remined you of your failed relationship.

"I got the keys" you looked at Leeteuk

"When?" He froze

"Yesterday" you still couldn't find it in yourself to tell the truth

"I think we should get my bag and go there" Leeteuk nodded

The journey from his apartment to yours was silent, you didn't want to say anything to him and you hoped he wouldn't spreak to you.

You dragged your bag behind you and Leeteuk walked close behind, his hands in his pockets. You opened the door, let him in then put your luggage near the counter. You were going to tell Leeteuk goodnight but he had something else in mind.

He pressed his lips to yours. You stared at him, his kiss was desperate, he needed you to respond but you didn't. He leaned away and rested his forehead on yours

"I love you" you pulled away from him

"You need to leave. I can't" Leeteuk looked at you with weary eyes

"Get out of my house, I don't love you. I could never love you like that!" He took at step back

Leeteuk took a step out the door, he turned to look at you but you closed the door. You could hear the soft words I'm sorry fall from behind the door. You slid down the door, tears in your eyes as you heart went back to being broken, you couldn't love him because in the end you knew you wouldn't be able to give him the love he deserves no matter how you tried. Every relationship you had ended in tears and you couldn't do that to Leeteuk, he didn't deserve it.

The love you held for you ex was still raw. You weren't ready, you didn't want to feel love again.

Leeteuk found himself on his couch with his head leaned back on the couch cushion. He picked up his phone to call you but the call just cut off.

It was the end of an era, your friendship was no more. He wished he could have helped you but in the end you didn't want to be helped

NYX

[ycnderes]

“I didn’t want it to be like this! But I had no control.” With Faith Seed? I’m a huge sucker for that girl

tbh big mood, i love her T-T    enjoy!

You and Faith had been friends for years. Years before she’d ever taken up the moniker Faith, years before she joined Joseph. That’s what it was. Years of friendship. What else could you call it? You’ve heard stories, from those who hate her and those who love her, about how she came from nothing, how she was mistreated and abused, how she ruined her own life just for an ounce of control. But you’d also heard she’d had no friends, nobody there with her through any of it.

That’s a fucking lie.

Sure, you hadn’t been around in a couple of years, but you’d begged her to come with you. You couldn’t stand the small town mindset anymore, you wanted to travel, to be a part of something bigger than Hope County. She wanted to stay.

That wasn’t on you, her destruction isn’t on you. The people she’s hurt, the lives she’s ruined that shouldn’t be on you.

But when you’re riding with the deputy, on another mission to bring some kind of hope back home, and you see her angels. Eyes glazed over, nothing there, nothing left but whatever she tells them to do. It settles in the pit of your stomach. This feels like your fault.

It’s taken a while, the deputy and their allies managing to clear the cultists out of some more territory, but you finally make it to Faith’s house. Rachel’s house? Was she ever Rachel, or has Faith been there the whole time?

The breeze glides around you, staving off some of the heat, some of your sweat drips against your skin, down your back, along your arms. You wipe your brow, squaring up the door. It looks just like it did the last time you saw it. Nothing new, nothing different. Of course, Faith’s parents aren’t behind there. No one really knows what exactly happened to them, maybe inculcated into the church, or maybe up and ran off when they realized what was happening.

You feel like you already know what happened to them, and it’s not any of those things. Faith had a rough childhood, you knew how much resentment she’d been harboring in her heart. How dark she sometimes felt, the way she’d just fade away until it was only her body there with you.

The porch creaks as you step up onto it, you open the screen door and knock. It’s customary, and you already know nobody’s inside, but it feels rude not to. Nobody answers, and you try the handle. It’s unlocked. Stepping in, you feel nostalgia wash over you. It’s not just the heat, though you realize you immediately feel offbeat now that the air conditioner isn’t running full blast, the fans on the ceiling ain’t going either. It’s dead quiet.

Your steps are small, you feel like you’re eight years old again, sneaking into your best friend’s house for the first time even though she wasn’t supposed to have any visitors.

Faith and you’d been out playing in the woods when the need for some toy had come up. You were completely willing to wait alone, the sun high in the sky, you felt safe in the dirt and leaves. But she’d wanted you to see her room, and besides, her parents weren’t supposed to be home for another little bit, c'mon, it’ll be fine.

And even though nobody was supposed to be home, the two of you crept in, quiet and whispering like church-mice. She showed you the living room, the kitchen, her parents’ bedroom (she didn’t open the door, something terrifying and sacred behind it), and her room. It was about as nice as yours, you’d thought at the time, a little bed with pink sheets and her toys stuffed into a plastic bin. Faith dug for the toy, you can’t even remember what it was that she was getting, but you remember how the blanket felt as you sat down on her bed. The cloth is worn and holey, maybe old, maybe well-loved, maybe a bit of both. You’d looked around her room, curious as all children are, trying to pick out who she was within this new environment.

Faith found whatever she’d been looking for, and you both went back out and spent the rest of the day playing till it was nearly dark. It’d been a nothing day, but the memory of it aches in the back of your mind as you walk through the house.

It’s not been ransacked, and you’re surprised by how much that comforts you. You aren’t sure how you’d feel if you’d come by and everything was gone. What would that mean? It’s not fair to compare a real life person to a house, but if nothing were there, it’d feel like Rachel was truly gone.

You don’t open the fridge, even though you are curious. You go into the hallway and wait at Faith’s door. You want to go in. It feels like a betrayal, something in you deeply uncomfortable with going into a friend’s room without their permission. But you open the door finally.

It looks about the same, the bed a little bigger, the toys are no longer out, probably stuffed into a closet or possibly donated. Faith is sitting cross-legged on the bed, she’s staring almost dreamily out the window, doesn’t even start when you come in.

You know she isn’t a bliss-fueled hallucination, she’s the one who invited you here in the first place, but she looks almost like one. Bliss probably clings to her like a film, you shake your head trying to dispell the very idea of it.

“You came.” She looks so good, better than she’s ever looked from what you can remember. Her skin no longer sallow and drawn, her hair isn’t greasy or limp or tied back into a weak ponytail. She looks healthy.

That hurts a little. It took a violent cult to shape her just the way she wanted, and she followed it. When you tried all you got was demands for you to accept her the way she is.

“Yeah,” you stand a little unsure in the room. It’s so much smaller now, the walls have closed in, and the ceiling is close enough you can nearly reach it.

Faith finally looks at you, a smile flitting on her face. It’s warmer than you’d thought it’d be. Is this Rachel, happy to see you? Or Faith, ready to convince a nonbeliever? “Well c'mon and sit down.” She pats the blanket in front of her.

You obey, feet dragging, and you’re suddenly struck by how different she is. It’s not just how healthy she looks, or the look of real joy you rarely saw on her before. Everything about her feels different. You may not know this person anymore.

“It’s been a while,” she finally says after a minute of silence.

You look down, fingers twisting at the blanket underneath you. “Yeah. It-” You nearly drop the words, almost afraid to be truthful here, almost afraid to show her anything vulnerable. “It was a real surprise, realizing the Faith everyone was talking about was my best friend.” That makes her look at you again, surprise etched into her brow. This feels dangerous, like baring your throat to her, but you have to say it. “I missed you.”

She takes your hand in her’s, and you nearly jump at the feel of her skin. “I’ve missed you too,” she says it earnestly, her eyes bright and boring into you. It’s too much, you have to look away. “It’s been so long, I wasn’t even sure if I’d see you again.” Her thumbs gently rub circles into your wrists. Is this how she gets a hold of people? She talks to them so soft and sweet, her touch is kind, and you just want to collapse into her, she feels strong enough to hold you and her up against a storm.

“I’m sorry,” it feels right to say that, even though it wasn’t your fault she didn’t want to come with you.

Faith catches your eye again, she’s wearing that pretty dress you’ve seen in nearly all of her recent photos with the Seeds. “You don’t have to apologize, you’re here now. That’s all that matters.” And she leans in close, so close your foreheads almost touch. You don’t move away, you can’t, but you try to remember that this is Faith, not Rachel.

She looks sad and moves back after a moment. “What’s wrong?”

A laugh jumps out of you, it feels sharp and barbed, ready to catch on something and rip. “You can’t be serious.”

Her grip slacks and you want to tear your hands away from her. “Why won’t you just tell me?”

You roll your eyes, this was a bad idea you knew it from the beginning, but you couldn’t help yourself. “Why don’t you tell me? Faith? That’s your new name ain’t it? How ‘bout you start there?”

She looks at you like you’re a child, the look is familiar, something she’d picked up from her parents that never failed to make you feel small. “I wish you’d found me first when you came back. Why didn’t you come to me?”

“And what? Get blissed out and made into one of your ‘angels’?” She digs her fingers into your hands, it’s just a reflex, but you tear them away.

Faith looks empty as you stand up, but it only lasts a second before she pulls herself together. “I would’ve never -”

“Don’t lie to me! I know you, I know you!” You shout at her, and you want to cry, and you want to also throttle her for even trying to defend herself. “I don’t know why I even came here! What was I expecting? Everybody talks about you, talks about what a witch you are, I shouldn’t’ve come here expecting Rachel.”

Faith stands up at that, her eyes glowering and a thin line slashed across her face. “Well you’re right, Rachel’s dead. She’s been dead a long time, and you knew that.”

That stings. You did know it, you just didn’t want to believe it. You turn away from her, tears well up in your eyes out of frustration and you can’t bear to let her see them, but then a cool hand snakes into yours and she tugs you back.

“I didn’t want it to be like this.”

She doesn’t say anything else, and you hate that it’s her and not Rachel holding you here. “You could’ve changed it,” your voice is thick and unsteady as you try to keep yourself from crying. “You could’ve, you just didn’t want to.”

“Baby, I had no control over any of this.” Faith pulls you closer and closer until you’re wrapped in her arms. “Stay. Can’t you stay?” She asks, but you both know your answer. “Please stay with me.”

[flowerpotphil]

Sleepless (1/2)

Summary: Phil is at an all time low, when a new 24 hour coffee shop opens he's more than happy to stay the night there. While he's there, he meets the new night worker - Daniel. Phil needs a job. The coffee shop is hiring. But what about when unspoken feelings mix with sadness? And will it ever work between them?  AO3      3491 Words Phil Lester was a somewhat self-proclaimed coffee addict. He needed coffee at absurd times, and only drank certain brands. He loved his coffee more than most things in life, and living directly near a coffee shop certainly helped feed his addiction. Being 19 with absolutely no idea what to do with his life wasn't fun, all his friends has glided into new lives, most going to uni in different parts of the country, and he was just stuck. His parents weren't fussed. Actually, he was glad he had such supportive parents, they knew his problem and they didn't pester him about going and getting a job or going to uni; he was pretty fortunate. But even the most lovely parents couldn't take the pressures of life off of his shoulders. It caused sleepless night after sleepless night, and the only thing Phil could do was go out and get a caffeine boost to ready him for the next day. He knew he looked like shit, he knew that the shadows under his eyes contrasted his pale skin so much that he looked ghostly, but he couldn't do a thing to change it. People commented about how bad he was looking, so he kept to going out at night. 

There was rain lining the pavement on the way to the coffee house, but it didn't prevent Phil from making his way there. It had been shut for a few days as it needed more staff - Phil wouldn't be able to keep his composure around all the coffee so it was pointless him applying - and it was open again that night. Whoever was working was probably going to be moody, not that that was an issue for Phil, he never cared. To his surprise, the worker was about his age. The boy had curly brown hair; a prominent dimple on his cheek; and deep brown eyes, he was staring into space and didn't notice Phil standing in the doorway with rain dripping off of him until the door shut. The click seemed to bring him to life, he shot upright and looked directly at Phil. "Hi! We don't usually get people in at this time, what brings you here?" "I just needed some coffee." Phil held out a £5 note and the boy pushed his hand back. "It's on me. Are you okay?" He asked, eyes all over Phil as if he was trying to pick him apart. "I'm good, can I get an Americano please?" The boy didn't say anything else for a bit, he just shuffled over to the huge coffee machine and began making the drink. He had his back to Phil when he spoke next, "You don't seem okay. If you were, you wouldn't have come out in this." And as if on cue, a lighting bolt struck somewhere in the distance. "I'm Daniel, by the way. Everyone just calls me Dan." He smiled when handing over the mug of coffee, and something sparked inside of Phil. "I'm Phil." It was quite awkward, but what else could he have said? Phil nodded and took the mug of coffee to a booth near the window, he knew Dan was looking over at him. Something inside him wanted to gulp the coffee down and run for it, but when he noticed Dan staring into space again his heart skipped a beat slightly. Phil had never really fell in love before, and he told himself this isn't the time for it. Dan didn't even know him. It took Phil 45 minutes to finish his coffee and stand up, Dan was back to staring into space and tapping his nails on the counter. They weren't exactly short, but not long either, and they made a nice sound when they tapped on the black marble. Phil wondered what he was thinking about, and whether he was aware of his surroundings. Choosing not to disturb Dan, Phil stretched and left, leaving his mug on the table. When he briefly looked back inside, he saw Dan's bright eyes looking out at him, then he saw Dan giving a little wave. He nodded, then looked at the floor and went home, his family would all be tucked up in bed and wouldn't even care that he'd have gone out. Actually, they seemed to care less and less with each passing day. Phil collapsed into bed, hands shaking from the caffeine surge in his veins, and for the first time in forever he cried. He cried for his childhood, for his lost friends. He cried for his life, and lack of a plan. He cried because he was keeping so much of himself a secret from his family. The butterflies he felt when he was looking into the dammed eyes of the coffee shop worker, he never once got when he looked at a woman. Phil hated the shame, eventhough he knew that it was just a thing some people felt - he just wondered why it had to be him. His parents and brother thought they knew him inside out and upside down, but they talked about him getting a girlfriend when he joined them at the dinner table. Phil couldn't admit that it was never going to happen, not even to himself. Unknowingly, he dropped off to sleep in the early hours of the morning

.When he woke up it was nearly 10am, his parents had gone to work and it left him all alone. His eyes were sticky with unwiped tears and his head was clouded with a steady ache - whether that was from sleeping too much, exhaustion, or crying, he wasn't quiet sure. His curtains casted a green glow around his room with the sunlight behind them, there was a layer of dust on the rail and Phil couldn't remember the last time he opened his curtains. He didn't want the world to see him. He knew what everyone thought of him: a lonely, sad, childish 19 year old with no aspirations or want to stand on his own two feet. Although it looked that way, it wasn't like that at all. Phil was struggling. The world seemed too fast paced and it scared him, his friends had been so excited to leave and go off to university, and he had no idea what he wanted with his life. Every time he looked at university courses, they were overwhelmingly difficult to navigate and there were so many options. Asking for help scared him too. So Phil became caught up in a predicament. He wasn't lazy, just scared.

When his family started to arrive home at 6 PM, Phil had already eaten a stale slice of bread (no one had been to the supermarket yet, it was all he had) and some left over pizza so that he wouldn't have to socialise with anyone. His mum arrived home first, she was on the phone to someone and Phil strained his ears to hear what she said. "Yes Karen, I know I need to make him pay rent... He's my son, I don't want to turn him away!"He tensed up. Karen was his friend, Anna's, mum. Anna had gone off to study physiotherapy at uni, she hoped Phil would follow her and study English Language as he always wanted to. He'd lied to her and said he applied but he didn't get in. In actual fact, he didn't even apply - just photoshopped the letter Anna had sent a photo of acknowledging her application. Forging the rejection letter was too hard, so Phil pretended that he'd ripped it up out of pure anger and horrific shame. That's what caused Anna to come with bags of chocolates and sweets, coupled up with a few rental DVDs. Guilt ate Phil alive as he curled up on his bed with Anna, her eyes glued to the movie 'Love, Simon'  as it played on TV. It would've been the perfect time to come out to her, but he missed it. That night, Anna left none the wiser. "Karen, leave it. Phil is loved here, job or no job, so drop the subject already." Phil was snapped out of his nostalgia to hear his mum abruptly put the phone down on her friend. She sighed after, and Phil swallowed his fear to go and see her. It had been a while since they'd spoken

."Mum?" He put his head around the door frame, tentatively checking if she was there. "Hello sweetie, are you okay?" Phil wanted to say no. He wanted to break down and cry to his mum about all that had happened in his mind, that he couldn't get out of an ever growing hole he was digging himself into. "Yeah, I'm good. Are you?" Idiot. "Of course. You didn't hear me on the phone did you? Oh Philly I'm so sorry, you know what she's like! Anna always used to complain about her when she visited and I can really see why. You're my son and I'm not forcing you to do anything in this state." "I know mum, I'm trying, I'm sorry." "I know you are, I'm here for you. I know you're going through some stuff right now, but I'm your mum and I'll support you no matter what." "Thanks mum..." It drifted into silence with neither of them knowing what to do next. Phil just gave a smile, nodded, then headed off back to his room. It was tiring to be around people, but it wasn't tiring to be around the boy from the coffee shop. Not that they had really met properly, and it was probably the caffeine surging through his veins. 

Yet again, it was midnight and Phil couldn't switch his mind off. Why didn't he tell him own mother? He wanted to tell her that he was gay, and that he had no clue what he was doing with his life. She'd understand. His brother understood that Phil was gay, he just happen to look on his phone and saw a gallery of shirtless men - it made for an awkward conversation, Phil tried to attack Martyn to get him off of the subject. After they'd spoken, and Phil was all cried out, his brother hugged him close and reassured that he'd always be supportive. Then, Phil got onto another train of thought. The coffee shop boy. It wasn't a decision, more of an impulse, but he pulled a grey hoodie over his bare chest and left his tartan pyjama bottoms on to go and get himself some coffee. He didn't really want it, but Daniel would hopefully be working and it'd be a familiar face. All he wanted was a familiar face. He was sure. 

The click of the door was partnered with a bell as Phil walked in, but he barely noticed it as he saw Daniel with a tear streaked face. "Dan? Why are you crying?" The professional nature of him was gone, he just stood behind the counter with his body shaking and heaving occasionally. He looked shockingly different to how Phil met him the night before; the boy who looked like such a dreamer had been torn down and stomped on until he was a crumpled heap on the floor. It really was the dramatic. "Hey, hey, it's okay." Phil bypassed the counter and went to the gap that acted as a door for the baristas, "I'm here." It wasn't a usual occurrence for Phil to initiate a hug between him and anyone, but an instinct took over and made him wrap his arms around Dan. When he felt Dan relax against his chest it was like they were naturally fitting together. "My family... I told them..." His voice was edged with pain, it was raspy and croaky all at once, "I told them that I like... like boys and girls. And they hate me. I hate me." "Is there anything else?" "Too much... For one, I love a guy who'd never give me the second glance." "Let's go have a seat."Phil let Daniel talk, and cry, but he'd worn himself out after an hour. "I'm really tired..." His voice trailed as his head lulled forward slightly. "Get some sleep, I'll man the fort." Phil gave a smile and patted Dan's curls as he passed by - they were as soft as he dreamed they would be, giving under the pads of his fingers. He didn't account for how difficult the coffee machine looked to work, it was red and spanned the length of an entire work surface, 4 tubes stuck out of the front and there was a grid to catch the waste underneath it all. A white, stained towel was folded neatly next to it and it clearly hadn't been used for the night. There was a poster lying on the stool that the baristas would sit at in slow times during the days. 'Night workers wanted, apply now!'  Phil looked up at Daniel, he was sleeping sweetly on the brown loveseat with his feet tucked underneath a cream cushion. His chest rose and fell rhythmically and his lips were set in a little smile. He looked cute. Kind of. Kind of very cute. To work alongside him would be absolutely amazing, it'd be like a dream come true. That dream was within touching distance, it really really was.To see if the machines worked easily, Phil fixed him and Dan a coffee, just like he'd seen the baristas do it time and time again. He didn't plan for the steaming pipe to be so loud, so he cringed as it made a noise and jolted Dan awake. "Phil?" He rubbed his eyes to help him wake up more. "Sorry, I just wanted to see if I could do it." That made Dan sit upright quickly and grin at Phil - contradictory to his prior state. "You're thinking of applying here?! Oh, please!" "You think we'd work the same shifts?" "Yes! I know!" Within moments, Dan was next to Phil showing him how the machines worked and what each different drink needed. He grabbed the canister of squirty cream and used it on Phil's head, creating a swirl on his black hair. Phil let out a high pitched sound as it was happening, shaking chocolate powder over his uniform to try at deter Dan from messing up his hair even more. "Get off of me!" Phil yelled, trying to run from Dan, who had a firm grip on his arm and his hand in Phil's hair. "Stop rubbing it in!" They were both giggling and stumbling around, tripping over each others feet as they moved. Phil; he was actually happy, even so far as elated, in that moment.

As Phil walked Dan home, having waited until his shift had finished, it began to drizzle with rain. Dan took his apron from around his waist and held it up, holding one side of it over Phil's head and the other above his own until Phil took hold of the one side. "Soon, I won't have to do this, you'll have your own apron." Dan was grinning at Phil, the usually light morning was grey and gloomy so there was no one to hear him say it. "I'll put in a good word for you, obviously." "I'll call at 8, don't underestimate me." Phil returned his smile, it had been a while since he'd had such a good time with someone. "Shouldn't you get some sleep? You've been with me all night." "I don't sleep much." "Why?" "I'm sorry I better be going." It was blunt, but Phil panicked. He was a mess and Dan was never going to find out. Neither was he going to find out that Phil had fallen for him. Complicated, hurt and frightened, Phil wasn't much more than that in his eyes. Dan would run a mile if he saw the real Phil, but he was the best person Phil had ever met and he didn't to lose him. He felt slightly pathetic - he barely knew Dan yet he had become so attached, yet Phil felt Dan had a secret too. With time, maybe he'd know. There was a delightful surprise in Phil's pocket, Dan had scribbled down his phone number on a napkin while he was in the toilet, when they were playing he'd slipped it into the back pocket of Phil's jeans. Dan thought he was being sly, getting his hand pressed on Phil's ass, even if it was through fabric and paper, it still counted. Obviously. When he got home, Phil took his phone out of the back pocket of his jeans and heard a crinkling sound as he brought it out. He pulled a face, hoping it was nothing important, and took it out. Scanning over the napkin in his hand, a smile came over Phil. "Silly boy." He mused, then he sat down on his bed, taking his phone and adding the number to his contacts. There was one question Phil had: what did this mean? Just a few streets away, Dan flopped onto his duvet and let out a huge sigh. He kept checking his phone to see if Phil had possibly sent him a message, he even said he wouldn't be sleeping. He contemplated staying up to hear from his new friend, but sleep was dragging at his eyelids and shadowing him. When morning came, Dan woke up to a message from Phil: Nice one, leaving your number in my pocket :p I hope this doesn't wake you up.. It made him smile, Phil was an awkward guy and that was quite endearing. He looked over at his alarm clock, it read 7:37 and the message had been sent at 5:59. It made Dan feel a little bit guilty, Phil was probably scared of him not replying. I was too dead for u to ever wake me up. I hope ur sleepin, wait, I hope ur calling my manager. Their typing styles were quite different, Dan used more text-talk while Phil was much more refined. The reply came in within an instant. Phil: It's not 8 yet! Sorry I ran off yesterday, things are just difficult. Dan: Do u wanna talk? I'm on shift tonight, or u can come over, no one's here. or stay for a while, my family are gone for a week. When he pressed send, Dan instantly regretted it. Asking Phil to stay over was too eager, he'd just met the man and he had an awfully big crush on him. It was a bad idea. Phil wouldn't ever have eyes for Dan, he probably thought he was a stupid young kid who'd clung to him while he tried to get some coffee. Phil: I’d love to stay at yours.. When do you want me to come over?

 An hour later, Phil was packing his backpack full of clothes and his toiletries for a few days. He was smiling to himself for the first time in forever, and it wasn't forced either. He was genuinely happy. 

There was a harsh knock on the door. "Come in!" Phil called, his voice bright for once. "Hey Ph- Wait, what's going on?" It was his dad, his eyes were round as he looked at the rolled up clothes he was packing. "Are you leaving?" "I'm just going to stay with a friend for a few days, he lives a few streets away." "Have I met him? You never said." "No dad. Neither has mum, but he's just a friend." "Just a friend, eh?" It made Phil look at his dad, he was leaning up the door frame with his arms crossed. "Sure." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Karen told me that Anna knows something about you. And other men." Time froze. Anna wouldn't have done it maliciously, Phil knew her mum would often check her phone, so that's how Karen found out. "Let me leave." Phil said, his voice low, head bowed, as he grabbed his backpack off his bed. "I'll talk to mum later," "Not so fast. You need to talk to her now. Shes in a state." "I don't really care, just let me go." It was a lie, Phil really did care about his mum, he was just in a sheer frantic state. And that was when his mum appeared behind his dad. "Is it true Phil?" She pressed. "Yes. Now, I really need to go, Dan's waiting." "Who's Dan?" Great. He'd dropped himself in it with no easy way of getting out. Apart from one. "He's a coworker. Okay? He lives by the place, so he's showing me the ropes. I'm doing the night shifts, so to save me coming all the way back here he's letting me stay on his couch. So please, let me fucking leave." He pushed between his parents and jogged down the stairs, getting out the door quicker than he's ever done before. At least he had Dan. 

[beautyindisguise00]

What were you doing at 9:30 last night?

Saturday night September 8, 2018 10:40pm

Tonight the last person you kissed calls you and tells you he wants you what do you say? “yeah babe, I want you too but are you drunk?” hahaha. he’s at his brother’s bachelor’s party this weekend and we haven’t talked in a while. I told him he can’t drunk call me. lol Who was the last person to drive you somewhere? uhhh, hard to recall since I drive myself everywhere all the time now but probably one of my siblings When was the last time you cried? a few days ago. after my boyfriend’s volleyball tournament. it was small but mostly an angry cry. hahaha Are you texting the last male you cuddled with? no, because he’s hanging out with the guys this weekend

When was the last time you totally broke down? when my grandma passed away.

If you could have one thing right now what would it be? money. Has a friendship ended recently that you wish had not? not really. Recently kissed anyone with the name starting with a L? hahaha. my boyfriend’s name is Lee so yes :) What will you be doing in the next 2 hours? watching tv to fall asleep What are you currently listening to? Mistresses

Are you angry with someone right now? nope Do you have any plans for the weekend? well it IS the weekend and my plans were to grocery shop and get things done with school and other things I was supposed to finish Has the last person you kissed ever took their shirt off in front of you? ohhh yeah Who were you with Friday? myself most of the night If the last person you kissed, saw you kissing someone else, would they be upset? beyond upset Are you missing someone? soooo much  Do you believe your ex cares about you? probs not. not in a bad way Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants? a sweater and panties. it’s almost time for bed Do you want to say something to someone? babe, I hope youre having fun and call me soon because I miss you! Anybody you’re looking forward to seeing soon? family and friends Have you ever read an entire book in one day? nope. haha can’t do that Was yesterday fun? eh How fast does your mood change? depends really. but not too fast Would you ever get in the passenger seat of a car with someone who’s been drinking? of course not Do you really, truly miss someone right now? I miss my boyfriend so much. I just want him to give me a call good night

Have you ever had an alcoholic beverage? yes Do you ever feel like you just HAVE to sing out loud? for certain songs - yes Have you ever watched RuPaul’s Drag Race? If yes, what makes it enjoyable?  nope

Do you own a TV? If so, what do you watch on it? just bought my own tv; watch stuff on Netflix, hulu, and tv Do you have Netflix/ViaPlay/other similar online channel?:  Netflix and hulu Have you ever watched Nostalgia Critic or Nostalgia Chick?:  uh, I’ve never heard of it What is the strangest type of food you have eaten?:  I don’t really like to eat strange food so I don’t know What is the strangest type of candy you have eaten?:  nothing really What would be your most ideal profession?:  wedding planner or teacher :) What kind of rides do you enjoy the most at amusement parks?:  any that does not flip me upside down Have you tried those coloring books for adults?:  nope What is a topic you definitely don’t want to talk about with anyone?:  politics mainly because I am clueless about it all Someone is about to take your picture. How do you react? smile, pose or make a silly face Do you frequent any “funny pictures” site? If so, which one? uhm..nope. Do you wash your dishes by hand or do you have a dishwasher?:  by hand. Do you ever get a chance to stay home alone? If not, why not? a few times Are you/have you ever been engaged? If not, would you like to be one day?:  someday! :) Are you/have you ever been married? If not, would you like to be one day?:  again, someday! What makes a person ugly?:  A shitty personality. < Yep. <<< I agree. <<<<<lol this! What makes a person beautiful?:  someone who’s just nice :) What is the craziest hairstyle and color you’ve had?:  I don’t do anything crazy with my hair Is there a book that you are currently reading?:  currently, no Do you prefer an actual book or ebooks? Why?:  actual book! I like holding the book and turning actual pages What was your first gaming console? besides the ones my brothers had, I really wanted a wii Is there something you’re eagerly waiting for? What is it? being done with school Is there something you’d like to change about yourself? there’s a few things. Have you ever had a sunburn? Where on your body was it? nothing too bad. if anything, my nose Do you have or would you like to have a tattoo? If so, where? my cousins and I are thinking about getting a tat to remember our grandma What was the last present you gave someone? $100 Have you ever had a serious injury? nope, I’m very cautious especially when it comes to pain What’s under your bed?:  boxes What is something you’ve been meaning to get done but haven’t yet?:  studying for FORT Do you enjoy traveling? absolutely! Where do you carry the things you need with you when leaving the house?:  my purse or backpack On a daily basis, do you prefer to go by car or by bicycle? Why? car because the places I travel to are far Do you know your ancestry? a little bit but it’s so confusing Which hair color would you never want to have? full blonde What has been the most beautiful place you’ve visited? cave point or clearwater beach

Where was the very first kiss you had with the last person you kissed?  my freshman dorm room. on my bed :)

Are you texting anybody? I wish!

What were you doing at 9:30 last night?  something naughty with my boyfriend before he left to hang out with the guys for the weekend

Are you listening to music right now?  nope

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?  my cousin texted me about getting tats for my grandma recently

Has anyone seen you kiss the last person you kissed?  probably

Looking back, did you ever waste too much time on a someone that treated you badly?  I don’t think I wasted too much time but it helped me learn about how I should really be treated my others

If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?  HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

Have you hugged someone within the last week?  yes

Are you a couple with the last person you kissed on the lips?  I am :)

What woke you up this morning? my alarm that I should have turned off.

What’s your relationship with the last person you texted?  sister

Did you cry at all today? nope!

Will your next kiss be a mistake?  most likely not

When is the next time you will kiss someone? probably in two weeks.

Are you older than the last person you kissed?  nope

When is the last time you consumed alcohol?  Monday night

What were you doing at midnight last night? watching tv

Have you ever been given flowers? yes

Can you honestly say that at this point in time you’re happy with the way things are? in a way, yes

What are you excited for?  graduating in the spring

Did anyone call you babe/baby today, who?  my boyfriend via text

Has anyone said they love you in the last week? the babe has

Last time you smiled?  today

Would life be the same without alcohol? for sure

Ever had sex in the bathroom?  nope

Who are you dating? my boyfriend

Who’s the last person you talked to about sex?  uhhhh, Kassie, my coworker

Have you ever sat in the back of a police car? nope

Are you stubborn?  ohhh yes

If you took a drug test right now, would you pass?  for sure

Who was the last person to be on a bed with you?  its been a while but my boyfriend

Do you tend to hold a grudge?  not really

Who is the last person that pissed you off?  don’t remember

What’s a fact about the last person that texted you?  she’s really good at singing

Would you date someone who was addicted to drugs?  no, I could not.

What was the last alcoholic beverage you drank?  mike’s hard lemonade – strawberry lemonade and then I took some weird shot

Do you care if people hate you for no reason?  yes

Who was the last person to play with your hair?  probably carter, kid from work

Who was the last person you kissed on the cheek?  kids from work

Would you ever get plastic surgery?  nope

Have you ever had so much to drink that you still felt drunk when you woke? not too often

Is there currently anyone else in the room with you? nope, just me

Have you ever tried a weird flavor of vodka? salted caramel is pretty good

What is the wallpaper on your phone? my boyfriend and I in florida

Why did you call the last person you called? to talk to him – my boyfriend

How many windows are in the room you’re in? just one

Do you have Facebook friends that you’ve never actually met? nope

When was the last time you had your photo taken professionally? high school for cheer season

How far from your house is the nearest supermarket? like 5ish minutes

If you could wake up and speak any language fluently, what would it be? I took French in high school but I’d say Spanish

Can you count your number of serious relationships on one hand? yes

How about number of sexual partners?  hahaha. I wouldn’t need my hands

Has anyone told you they missed you lately?  yesterday

Was yesterday better than today? sure

This time last year, were you single?  nope

Do any of your friends dislike each other? my boyfriend and best friend for a bit but now they’re good

What are you doing right now?  re-watching mistresses

Have you ever liked someone but were afraid to tell them? all the time

What happened at 9:00AM today? I was on my phone

Do you have a best friend?  my boyfriend

Are you scared to fall in love?  I was

Do you think ex’s can remain friends? some, not all.

Are you one of those people that always answer their phones? if I know who’s calling then I usually answer

Hate it when you go over to someone’s house and do absolutely nothing? yes

Are you one of those people who gets jealous of boys/girls your current bf/gf dated? not too much but once in a while when we casually bring them up

Were you single for your last birthday? nope

Did you talk to the person you like today? for a little bit through text this morning

When was the last time you were in a car with someone besides family? friday, my roommates and I; we were going to noodles

What are you wearing on your feet?  nothing

You can get a puppy or a new car. Which do you choose? oh my goodness! that’s had. but I’d say car for now because I don’t have time to take care of a puppy since I’m not home and I cant have pets in my apartment

Is it easy to make you cry? sometimes

Think back to August, were you in a relationship? yes

Any drama in your life right now?  nope

Did you sleep alone last night?  I did

When was the last time you received flowers? What were they for? uhm……my boyfriend came to visit

Have you ever been physically or mentally abused? How did it effect you?  nope

Do you consider yourself a vengeful person? If so, why’d you think that is?  nope. I’m learning to let go

What one quality do you have that you are proud of?  I’m a good listener

When have you felt the most proud of yourself? For what reason?  chasing one of my dreams for the second time but handling myself when I didn’t achieve it

Have you ever had a near death experience? If so, how did it feel? I’ve been in one car accident before but I wasn’t that bad.

[betweengenesisfrogs]

OFF-THE-CUFF HOMESTUCK POSTS #6: THE TRAGEDY (AND SECRET TRIUMPH) OF JADE HARLEY, OR: THE GNOSTIC GARDENER

DISCLAIMER       FRAMEWORK

[CHECK THE TAG FOR MORE THOUGHTS]

[Note: Content warning for brief mention of sexual abuse and longer discussion of perceived suicide and associated thoughts.]

Let's talk about Jade Harley.

A common feeling I've seen about the final chapters of Homestuck is that Jade Harley deserved better, that she suffered completely unfairly and arbitrarily in the final timeline.

I actually completely agree. Jade *absolutely* deserved better. Where I disagree is with the argument that Jade's suffering somehow shows Hussie is a bad writer.

I think it's important to recognize that good storytelling isn't always the same thing as happy storytelling. Some stories or parts of stories are *about* suffering. They're tragedy, a form of storytelling I'd define as an examination of a negative set of events: why they took place, why the characters involved couldn't escape them. Done well, this can be as meaningful as any happy ending.

I mean, there's a reason a bunch of Greeks wanted to watch a series of plays about a guy who accidentally marries his mother and then stabs his eyes out.

So when we're talking about good storytelling in Homestuck, i.e.: whether character arcs reach meaningful catharsis, we have to bear in mind that the bad shit that happens to our characters is sometimes the very subject of the story.

In other words, yes, Jade Harley deserved better.

That's the *entire point.*

Now, that said, I actually think Jade does have a happy ending, and a damn cathartic one. But we need to understand the unfair suffering she went through to understand why.  What I find fascinating about Jade's arc is that she confronts the tragic, suffering-causing aspects of SBURB and the domain of Lord English more directly than any other character and finds a way to become free of them. It's not that her suffering was in any way merited or right, it's that by rejecting that unfairness, she finds incredible self-affirmation, freedom, and escape in a way that makes her the most direct manifestation of Homestuck's Gnostic themes.

In the causes of her suffering, and in how that suffering is overcome, Jade Harley is the key to the deeper meanings of Homestuck.

The Absent Grandfather

As a person, Jade has suffered unfairly on more than one level. Her later tragedy echoes and recapitulates the tragedies of her childhood, which makes it all the more painful. To understand this suffering, we need to understand her relationship with her guardian, Grandpa Harley.

[A brief digression: at this point, I should probably mention a recent theory by mmmmalo that posits Grandpa Harley as a sexual predator and Jade as a victim of abuse. I feel bad even bringing it up, because mmmmalo seems like a really nice guy, and I really enjoy his work tackling Homestuck from a psychological/psychoanalytical perspective, but I just can't really buy this theory. For one, Grandpa isn't at all characterized as capable of that kind of evil. The closest we come are some dubious feelings about Grandpa from Dave that are clearly him projecting his own issues onto Jade (he's never even met her grandfather), and the odd fact that Grandpa obsessed portraits of beautiful blue women from beauty parlors--discomfiting, but ultimately kind of harmless, unless you really stretch it as a psychological metaphor. To my mind, there really isn't that much to substantiate anything worse here.

Furthermore, the Alpha kids, as ever, offer opportunities to understand the Guardians in more depth, and there's little reason to think Grandpa would be substantially different from Jake English. mmmmalo posits that in DBZ-esque fashion, Jake hitting his head turned him good, but I just don't buy it, especially when Jake's "head injury" isn't actually real--it's one of his excuses for avoiding his own failings. (See the Jane's birthday conversation for how this plays out.) For my money, Jake and Grandpa are pretty similar: nice enough people whose biggest flaw is avoiding responsibility by retreating into the landscape of their own fantasies.

Ultimately, this particular leap is too big a leap for me to take, particularly because I feel like it would need to be addressed on a textual level (like Bro's abuse was with Dirk and Dave) if it was meant to be taken as canonical fact. I feel like mmmmalo's theories are at their strongest when they focus on the psychological experiences of characters, rather than when they try to posit hidden secrets in the canon. The first just feels so much more useful and reliable for me as a method, at least. No shade to mmmmalo, though: I hope he keeps on writing his own brand of fascinating Homestuck analysis for years to come, because he's doing stuff no one else is and it always leads to exciting new approaches.]

Now, none of this is to say that Grandpa Harley never had a negative impact on Jade. Her childhood trauma actually concerns him very deeply. As we see in the scene where she imagines him dictating to her in the foyer, she's both nostalgic about her grandfather and angry with him. She's filled with conflicted feelings about him, positive and negative at once. But the harm comes across in a completely different way, a way that's deeply textually supported and fits with what we know about Jake English.

Jade thinks that her grandfather committed suicide.

At least, she does for the vast majority of her life, until Tavros explains otherwise.

At a whimsical tea party with a plush doll, Grandpa seemingly, from Jade's perspective, took his own life. Here's Jade telling the story: GG: i spent years wondering about it! GG: when i was REALLY young, i was sure the doll sitting across from him did it GG: and for a long time i was terrified of the evil blue girl!!! GG: she sort of haunted my childhood and i had trouble sleeping for a long time GG: but of course i got older and realized that was silly, but then i just speculated that maybe it was suicide GG: which was just a really sad thing to think about!!!

Understatement of the century. This moment shaped Jade's entire psychology. Those who have lost loved ones to suicide often report wrestling with a mixture of grief and anger: anger that they were left to pick up the aftermath. For Jade, this was a moment of abandonment. Her guardian, who should have been there to take care of her, took his life and left her alone on a deserted island with only her (admittedly magic) dog to help her survive. For years, she had to take care of herself, to serve as her own guardian in his absence. Grandpa should have been there, but he wasn't. The culmination of the "increasing stakes" of the Beta kids' guardians is that Jade's guardian is dead and gone.

The scene of Jade squaring off against her stuffed Grandpa in the foyer is thus, like many elements of Hussie's writing, played for both comedy and horror at once, a true Hussnasty grotesque.  For some time, Hussie builds up the mystery of Jade's guardian (using, I think, Dave’s remarks and Grandpa’s weirdness to build a sense of unease), only to shock the reader with an ugly revelation that carries echoes of horror-movie jump-scares.  The man in the foyer is no man, but a symbol of death, a skeleton, a mummy, a rotting corpse in the place where a protector should be.

Grandpa's fatal flaw is absence itself.

[This is maybe the psychological motif mmmmmalo's picking up on? I feel like you could very easily read Jade’s feelings of horror and disgust as an echo of this suicide, and thus see Lord English as a mythic echo of Grandpa's absence as much as his presence. That’s my take, anyway.]

Hence Jade's anger in the foyer. He has left her alone, forced her to take up the responsibilities he failed to uphold. She pretends he's alive and imagines him chiding her for not being prepared to face the wilds alone--a situation she knows he put her in. Hence her snapping back at the corpse that she's already perfectly prepared, thank you very much. The scene mixes nostalgia, grief and anger in the saddest way.

This fits with the way Grandpa is themed around DEATH. Not only is he a mounted corpse, his collections of knights, mummies, big game, and degraded beauty shop photos evoke history and the dead, echoing his undead presence in Jade's life. (They also suggest he carries memories of Jake's friends: an orange knight, a pink girl from a land of pyramids, and a blue beauty, furthering the connections between Grandpa and Jake.)

But Grandpa, like Jake, is also themed around FANTASY. Or ESCAPISM, perhaps. Grandpa lives the life of a millionaire explorer-physicist, the boy howdy rough-and-tumble existence that never existed out of Boys' Adventure Comics and Teddy Roosevelt. His trophies and relics suggest a life of constant fantasizing, a retreat into his own self-image to avoid facing the world. After all, if you move to a deserted island in the middle of nowhere, you never have to interact with anyone else. This is astoundingly consistent with what we know of Jake's flaws: he constructs narratives to hide from responsibility and his own mistakes, from ignoring Jane's anger to ignoring the unaddressed issues in his relationship with Dirk to ignoring Jane's romantic interest in him the moment he finds a convenient excuse to do what he wanted to do anyway. Grandpa seems to be cast in very much the same mode, and his whimsical relics further the theme.  

For Jade, though, Grandpa's ESCAPISM has also been harmful. Because Grandpa left her what must have seemed the ultimate moment of escapism: a tea party with a stuffed blue doll. Think of what Jade must have thought later: that Grandpa went out lost in daydreaming about a beautiful blue girl. That maybe he planned that as a way to end it all. Her anger is fueled in part by the fact that he ran away from the responsibility of raising her, into his fantasy world instead.

Of course, as readers we know that's not true: Tavros was the one who, through Bec, shot the gun. But there's a grain of truth in Jade's perception of the situation: while not suicidal, Grandpa was being irresponsible. Lost in his silly tea party, he missed the fact that his granddaughter was about to shoot herself with a flintlock pistol. She was saved by Tavros's redirection, while he paid the ultimate price for his distraction.

So Grandpa's flaw, like Jake's, is one of absence and escapist irresponsibility, death and fantasy. Grandpa really did harm her by his absence. And in his absence, all he left her with was necessity.

Jade takes care of herself, because what else can she do? She feeds the dog. She does what she needs to do to survive. She goes about her day. She defines herself in opposition to her grandfather: if he was irresponsible, she will be responsible. She will do what's necessary, no matter what it takes.

And she represses the fuck out of her grief.

This is way buried for most of the time we know Jade, but it comes to the surface when we meet Jadesprite. See, in addition to having a reminder of her Grandfather's mortality, Jade has spent her life face to face with her own. Her dreamself, which represents the one place in her life where she let herself go along with fantasy and escapism, is already a stuffed corpse. Consciously or subconsciously, she knows that happy escapist world will also die. When she prototypes that body, though, she's acting out of responsibility and necessity as part of an effort to defeat the threat of Jack Noir. She expects that a version of herself will share that desire.

But Jadesprite presents what is to her the most nightmarish possibility: that she might prefer living in the fantasy to responsibility. She tries to comfort her alt-self at first, but quickly becomes disgusted that a version of herself could feel that way. But it's not surprising: Dream Jade was the only version of herself who could let herself lay down responsibility and necessity and admit to herself the extent of her fear. Unfortunately, this isn't the way Jade would like herself to be. Jadesprite is exactly what she represses. There's a seeming moment of catharsis when Jade and Jadesprite become one, but, as I've noted before, Hussie ultimately suggests that spritefusion isn't enough to fix what Jade struggles with.

None of this is Jade's fault. It's the way she's been shaped by the outside force of her grandfather's death. Her grandfather was flawed, she lives with the consequences, picking up the pieces of the loss, doing things out of necessity.

SBURB recapitulates that tragedy, forcing Jade to reckon with her trauma and her perception of her own relation to it.

The SBURBan Tragedy

Is SBURB evil? I used to see it that way. These days I'm not so sure. Conversations with revolutionaryduelist have shown me that, despite its dangerous side, SBURB is usually presented in a neutral light in canon, more amoral than deliberately cruel. It's a Game that can be put to different purposes. RD argues that SBURB is ultimately little more than an extension of its players' wills, and I find a lot of reasons to agree.

As I've argued before (particularly in my Self Pile Essay, though my feelings have evolved since), I strongly feel that the ending of Homestuck relies on a critique of SBURB, that it depicts the Game as inherently tragic. You wouldn't think this would jive with RD's notion of "do what you will," but I actually think these two perspectives can be easily reconciled. A Game that's an extension of everyone's wills can still have a tragic effect on its players, especially on those who don't realize their own power within the system. I'm sure we can all think of times when the wills of others were an oppressive force in our lives. Our critique of SBURB, then, is really a critique of the uses to which the Game has been put, by overpowering wills like that of Caliborn/Lord English, who makes the alpha timeline bend to him without realizing how much it echoes his own limitations.

Like Grandpa Harley, Lord English (the unseen conductor whose riddle is absence itself) forces others to reckon with the implications of his choices. The complex web of time loops and paradoxes LE leaves in his wake forces our heroes to act out of necessity and to take responsibility for their escape.

So while I might talk about SBURB in negative terms here, understand I'm talking about the mess of all the loops, all the implications of the many harmful wills and choices our kids have to deal with. Jade in some ways most of all.

Initially, Jade experiences SBURB as a positive force in her life. It allows her freedom and happiness; companionship among the people of Prospit while in her most optimistic, worry-free mindset. She participates in its necessities, its enforced time loops, not out of obligation but in connection to her dreaming happiness.

As the kids' game goes on, though, Jade loses Prospit and her dreamself, and loses, too, the easy release from herself that they represent. Like all the kids, she becomes aware of the threat of Jack Noir, and directs her responsible mind towards the necessity of dealing with him--leading of course, to her clash with Jadesprite. Later, this focus shifts to take in the true cause of everything that went wrong in their session: the unseen guiding hand of Lord English.

We all know what happens to Jade because of this. In the original timeline, all our kids' efforts fail, and all of them die in the events of Game Over, Jade first and most surprisingly. John retcons the timeline using his retcon powers, and achieves victory by changing the course of events. However, it's a victory that causes Jade to suffer deeply: in the final timeline, she loses and grieves John and Davesprite, her closest friends on the Battleship voyage, and for a time wonders if she was responsible for their horrifying, baffling death. Later, she learns from a mysterious sentinel (Alt-Calliope) that it was all part of a larger plan. This is a relief to her, but as much as she'd like it to, it doesn't erase her grief.

This is brutally, totally unfair. And that's the point.

I've seen folks point out that the retcon could have gone many other ways: for instance, merging the populations of the meteor and the battleship. That's true, but it misses the point a little, I think. The Retcon is an arbitrary solution to a large problem in Paradox Space, acting out of necessity to bring Caliborn's will to a close. Remember that John didn't choose how his retcon would go: he worked it out with the Game itself through his Denizen. Not only did the Game bring forth the very tools to end Caliborn and close his time loop, finishing what his will started, it also worked out the logistics of the timeline that would get them there. And that's the tragedy.

John had only the vaguest idea how his actions would affect Jade, knowing only that either he would die or people would grieve him. By working with his Denizen, he mastered his powers and managed to create a reality where everyone could escape the will of Lord English. But it created an awful situation for Jade, and indeed, he's horrified when he finds out that was the result.

For me, the victory our kids experience over Lord English and his will as manifest in SBURB isn't presented as an unambiguous one. Rather, it's triumph mixed with shades of tragedy. John's reformulation of reality has consequences. The loss of our kids' coherency of self (see the Self Pile) is one of them--I do think it's meant to be at least a little disconcerting that it's new versions of our beloved characters who get the victory.  And it's Jade who represents that tragic element the most, because she suffers the brunt of it. The fact that Jade suffers because of the Retcon tells us that for all the positivity of the final scenes of Homestuck, there's still a dark side to the system of SBURB.

Because there was never any point at which any of this took place outside the system of SBURB. It gave Caliborn what he wanted, and then took it back again, not because it had any intentions towards him, but because his will was self-defeating and self-limited. And through the Denizens, it gave our kids the escape they wanted: but they still had to deal with the necessity of responding to Caliborn's intentions, and perhaps SBURB'S own limitations, too. It could give them an escape, but not without certain consequences.

It's no coincidence that Denizens make a resurgence near the end of Homestuck. They are the Game's way of engaging in dialogue with its players, and they preside over every aspect of everyone's ending. Yaldabaoth gives Caliborn his deal, while Echidna signs off on the birth of the Genesis Frog once she's had a chance to inspect its guardians. Echidna is also the one who guides Alt-Calliope towards ending Caliborn's reign. And Typheus lets John become a retcon master so that he can win his friends their complicated victory.

Thinking about this has helped me make sense of a scene that initially baffled me. Near the end of Collide, the story turns absurdly positive: our kids win victory after victory over every opponent they were facing. And then, suddenly, disconcertingly, the scene begins to fade out and flash with static, while strange cries are heard. Then it freezes, and the mechanical contrivance that Hussie once used to represent Homestuck's Acts and narrative is all we can see, frozen in black and white.

Those strange sounds are the sounds that played in scenes with Denizens. And not just any Denizen: the specific whale-song we hear is the voice of Typheus, the Denizen who helped John negotiate his retcon and who, through blowing up a duplicate John and Davesprite on LOWAS, is the most directly responsible for Jade's suffering.

The message of the end of Collide, then, brought spectacularly home by this juxtaposition of victory poses and sudden distance, is that the victory achieved, while real, was negotiated by the systems of SBURB and Skaia every step of the way. This, too, is the message of the Spirograph that suddenly appears at the end of Act 7: our kids have left the Game for good, but the Game goes on without them, and always will.

Jade's experiences show what the costs of that might be.

The Gnostic Triumph of Jade Harley, Witch of Space

And yet.

And yet.

Jade also achieves victory. An even more powerful victory, in fact. In a deeply Gnostic moment, she confronts the arbitrary suffering of SBURB in a way none of the other kids ever do. She directly confronts the Game, and the cruel intentions unleashed through it by Lord English, by moving beyond them altogether and claiming her own agency.

It's Davepeta who helps her see it.

Once, Jade thought she was responsible for her friends' deaths. Later she learned from Alt-Calliope it happened as part of SBURB's cosmic plan. She was able to take some comfort in that: but it didn't keep her from her grief. When she meets Alt-Calliope again, Jade continues to try to make sense of her experiences through the lens of necessity, through the lens of a responsibility she has to fulfil.

Let's look closely at the difference between what Calliope says about the Space role, and how Jade interprets it for herself.

CALLIOPE: why the hurry? CALLIOPE: you have already proven your heroism in the moments when it was needed most. CALLIOPE: it is important to know when the greatest good is best served by remaining dormant. CALLIOPE: whether that burden is for close to eternity, or only a few more minutes. CALLIOPE: it is something to learn as a space player. CALLIOPE: space falls back. it yields. hosts the play silently. CALLIOPE: then, it roars to life when its time comes, showing all who is really the master. CALLIOPE: and so too when the time comes, it collapses in on itself, taking all else with it.

Calliope argues that Space is about patience, that patience itself is heroic. But Jade interprets this to mean that loneliness and suffering are a cross she must bear. As she says shortly afterward:

JADE: as a space player... someone who "falls back" as she said JADE: maybe being pushed aside by fate, and like JADE: being deprived of important people and experiences JADE: no matter how painful it is, or how much you feel like you need them JADE: i guess thats just how it goes for us JADE: i think i never appreciated how much of a burden your aspect was to you JADE: but i think im starting to get it now JADE: it just took a long time to figure out what mine really meant

But that's not what Calliope is saying. Alt-Calliope is talking about Space, to be sure, but she's talking about it in terms of her own role. Alt-Calliope is a very different person from Jade, one who is entirely comfortable with placing her identity and agency in the hands of necessity, with sacrificing everything for necessity. But what works for Alt-Calliope won't work for Jade. Jade needs friendships, needs her own life and happiness outside the Game in a way Alt-Calliope does not. (And a Muse of Space is a very different creature than a Witch of Space, a much more active and self-oriented role.)

And Calliope knows this, too. While she teaches Jade about her own understanding of Space, she doesn't ask that Jade follow her into the Green Sun, nor does she ask that Jade construct her life in the same exact terms. Again, it's Jade, not Calliope, who tries to suggest that losing all her friends is her Space-y burden to bear. Calliope, however, reminds Jade that they're very different creatures, and need different things:

CALLIOPE: you are still quite young, and your kind is soft. CALLIOPE: the ability to absolutely dominate is better housed in a being designed for seclusion, singularity of purpose, and remorseless resolve. CALLIOPE: it is too much for one like you.

(And here the domination Calliope's talking about isn't just Lord English's, but her own Muse of Space response to that domination, the reshaping of Paradox Space by falling back and then roaring to life.)

Calliope suggests that Jade might choose to go along with the sleep that keeps her from being a danger in the final fight, but she doesn't require it. Instead, she says:

CALLIOPE: if you must have advice, i will give you some similar to that i gave your other space-playing friend. CALLIOPE: i told her to live, where before she had not. CALLIOPE: so too, you are similarly imprisoned by various inertias. CALLIOPE: these weigh on you. CALLIOPE: you are a child, belonging to a race for which that distinction is understood to correspond with experiences of "enjoyment." CALLIOPE: perhaps you should try to have, CALLIOPE: "fun."

Calliope doesn't need what Jade needs. But she knows Jade is more than a means to an end. Jade needs fun, she needs friendship, and she needs happiness. Even though Calliope sees advantage in Jade remaining asleep, she goes out of her way to tell her about the alternate possibilities that might free her from imprisoning inertias.

This leaves Jade somewhat confused. She wants to make sense of her life in terms of the mandates and loops of SBURB/Lord English, fulfilling every necessity. But Calliope rejects that notion for Jade and emphasizes the difference between their species.

So when Davepeta comes along, Jade is wrestling with the strangeness of the Calliope encounter.

JADE: calliope said i was too strong or something JADE: but she also said i should have "fun" so JADE: i dunno JADE: i guess im just waiting around for the right moment

She's trying to make sense of Calliope's offer while still trying to see herself in terms of necessity. Davepeta, though, rejects that completely. When Jade tells them her statement above, trying to describe herself in terms of someone who "has to" be pushed around by the rules of Space, Davepeta responds extremely skeptically:

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so THATS what space means? DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < bein lonely??

Note the incredulous extra question mark. Jade continues to try to describe herself as someone who has to follow the mandates of others and systems outside her control. And yet as she talks about it, she reveals how dissatisfied she is with that notion of herself:

JADE: but i think that can be one of the results of gaining a deeper understanding of it JADE: or becoming connected to it more... JADE: i dunno, this stuff is all pretty mysterious :p JADE: i dont have it all figured out yet obviously JADE: i just feel pretty sad that as i get closer to understanding my abilities and true nature JADE: it apparently means being deprived of some important experiences JADE: like i get closer to my aspect, but further away from everyone i love, and further from... JADE: feeling like a person? JADE: its just a really empty feeling after a while JADE: empty like... JADE: space i guess JADE: heh

I don't think we're to take this as an absolute statement. While there's truth in Calliope's depiction of space as receptive and patient. I think we're to take these lines as Jade wrestling with her own feelings about the way she should be. Davepeta doesn't argue that Jade should accept this description of herself. Instead, Davepeta opens up a startling alternate possibility: that Jade is more than necessity, bigger than her circumstances, larger than her suffering. If Jade's suffering is an echo of the arbitrary unfairness of the way SBURB divides up our protagonists' selves to bring Lord English to an end, then Davepeta suggests that the key to escaping suffering is to see the self beyond those individual identities:

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but you werent actually deprived of important experiences DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < stuff like us dating and johns stupid birthday parties and playing shitty ghostbuster mmos DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < that stuff all happened to you, its just you dont have access to the memories DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < they didnt happen to shape this particular version of yourself DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but they all played a role in helping like "greater jade" grow if that makes sense DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < everything that ever happens to every version of you is an important part of your ultimate self... like a superceding bodyless and timeless persona that crosses the boundaries of paradox space and unlike god tiers or bubble ghosts or whatever, it really IS immortal DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but in your physical form there are all these partitions in your mind that prevent you from remembering any of that which makes your existence f33l totally linear DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < which is probably for the best! DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < in a regular body s33ing all that would be too overwhelming DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < in an advanced sprite form like mine tho its fine DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i guess the same spritey magic that makes it possible to suddenly understand so much is also what makes it possible to make it bearable all at once DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < not even just bearable actually sorta liberating and cool DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < and after it sinks in for a while you start coming to this understanding of a greater self

AVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < im not COMPLETELY sure because im not like some sort of ASPECT MASTER but DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < my avian slash feline intuition tells me that all roads will lead you here eventually DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < gaining the d33pest possible understanding of any aspect will bring you to the same final conclusion about your ultimate self DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so maybe thats starting to happen for you too DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < the space aspect sounds like a hard and lonely road to travel... i think they probably all are DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but youre gettin there jade DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < you are doing great and im so proud of you!

Once again, this isn't Davepeta saying that Jade needs to be happy about what's happened to her--they acknowledge that living in SBURB is painful, a hard and lonely road for anyone of any aspect. But seeing oneself as this "ultimate self" allows one to see a bigger picture, to find meaning in one's actions even when buffeted by what seems to be the cruelty of fate. In a Game whose tragedy is that divides people up into different manifestations of themselves, each going to an arbitrary fate, that's the way to find victory, to find happiness beyond each tragedy. That's the balance that Homestuck's ending is deeply concerned with, and Jade Harley represents it all: both the suffering and the remedy.

Davepeta's proud of her for coming this far. I'm proud of her, too.

But does this understanding work for Jade? Does it free her from the way she saw herself as an instrument of fate, a tool of necessity? I think it does. Because after talking with Davepeta, Jade starts to live her life differently.

We see this clearly in Collide and the events leading up to Collide. Jade was ready to accept that she had to stay asleep merely because it was what others expected of her. But Davepeta convinces her that she should wake up if she wants to wake up:

JADE: i guess im just waiting around for the right moment DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < nah thats dumb DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < you should be able to do whatever you want JADE: really? DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < well at least she was right about the having fun part DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < maybe thats what she meant?? DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < maybe she was leaving it up to you in a mysterious way JADE: leaving what up to me? JADE: the decision to wake up?

Davepeta's message to Jade, informed by their deep understanding of life beyond one lifetime, is that Jade can do things for herself, rather than do them as a reaction to necessity. And the secret is that that choice makes all the difference.

Jade does choose to wake up, and after waking up, rejects any idea that she should go back to following necessity, or other people’s commands:

DAVE: jade DAVE: god dammit DAVE: GO BACK TO SLEEP! JADE: NO WAY!!!!! :P

JADE: i am very much awake! JADE: and i intend to stay that way :)

Jade chooses to take Calliope up on her offer: she chooses to go have fun. For the first time, she pursues her goals completely and utterly for her own reasons. She chooses to take on the mission of dealing with the Omnidogs Bec Noir and PM...pretty much because she wants to. And she does it in her own way: she doesn't get in a fight, but plays with her dogs, recreating the fun times in her life with Bec by warping around and dancing around in the sky with them.

While she ends up getting punched out by PM, it's mostly comic: she isn't hurt or upset--she had a fun time, and did what she wanted to do. She's asserting her own agency, not responding to the will of anyone else, be it Lord English, Dave, John, or any of the other players. She takes on SBURB's boss mechanics in her own terms and enjoys herself doing it. And what she's able to achieve by this is *reshaping the rules of the Game.* Because of her, PM beats Bec Noir. For the first time in the known history of SBURB, White beats Black, Prospit beats Derse, entirely thanks to her presence. This change is subtle but huge. It represents what Jade's doing on a cosmic level: she's creating the Game, creating her reality, for herself, not responding to anyone else's intention, but putting forth her own to shape the world.

The Gnostics of ancient times said that the material world we lived in was merely an illusion created by the tyrant Yaldabaoth, and that all we needed to do to escape his tyranny was to look within ourselves. Because we were made of the same stuff as the True God, filled with the same wisdom as Sophia, and if we could truly know ourselves, could know exactly who we were, we could walk back through the gates into the Garden of Eden, knowing that we were God, part of a true divine reality bigger than anything Yaldabaoth could understand.

So, too, does Jade Harley, GardenGnostic, in that moment, know that she is bigger than anything that once defined her. Not her grandfather's death and failings, not her role as a link in the prophecies of Skaia, not Jack Noir, and not the limitations of a single Jade in a tragic timeline. None of those things define her. She is greater still, the JADE beyond Jades, and she has just as much power to make SBURB, to make all of Paradox Space what she wants it to be as any would-be tyrant. She stares Lord English in the eye, and knows she is as great within this contest of wills as he is. They all are.

And that makes Jade a little bit different from her fellow gods: she knows in full what the rest of them are only beginning to understand.

When we next see Jade after Act 7, in the Credits sequence, we see her growing plants again after a long time away from her garden, returning to her own personal Eden, and we see her spending time with John, Dave, and Karkat--all the people that she loves.

Knowing who she is, she has escaped all the inertias that once bound her, and is turning reality into what she wants it to be.

In the world of SBURB, that's the way to find a happy ending.

[Next time: Maybe I’ll do that reception of the ending thing I promised last time? Or maybe not? Maybe I’ll be too busy playing Hiveswap? Maybe life is full of infinite delicious possibilities, and we’re all riding this magic train out to the Pleroma together? Who knows, man. Who knows.]

[angelofwords-blog1]

Vanilla Twilight

Synopsis: Sad sam grieves Y/n. Seven songs of sam series part seven. Here’s one two three four five and six. Based on vanilla twilight by owl city.

Word count: 1,227

The stars lean down to kiss you And I lie awake and miss you Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere 'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly But I'll miss your arms around me I'd send a postcard to you, dear 'Cause I wish you were here

I lay awake, staring at the ceiling. I could still hear the echo’s of Y/n’s screams when I would have to wake her from her nightmares. It has been a whole month, but I still wake up every morning to her screams. I reach over on instinct to shake her shoulders, but find nothing but cold blankets.

I miss the way that she would curl into me, wrapping her arms around my back and clinging to my shirt. The way that her hair smelled like coconuts, and would take over my senses when I pressed my face to her head. I miss the way that her body would  slowly stop shaking and she would raise her head to smile at me, her perfect lips curling just enough to tell me that she was okay.

Knowing I wouldn’t be getting anymore sleep tonight I got up with a sigh. Y/n was still all over the room. She had been here long enough to move in and pretty much take over. I could see her clothes peeking out of the drawers, her books on the desk, and the many photos she had taken in a pile on the bedside table.

With a sad smile I picked them up, running my thumb along the edges. She smiled up at me from the top one. I was sitting at the table with Y/n leaning over me to take a selfie. I remembered that one. It was the last one she took. Flipping through them I saw the one where Dean was flipping her off, and the one where he was stuffing his face with pie. Then I came across one I didn’t know she had taken.

It was one of me asleep on the couch. I had a book open on my chest. I had obviously fallen asleep researching, what I hadn’t know though was that she had taken a picture of me.

The photo’s fell from my hand as I slumped over. Hot tears ran down my face as I couldn’t hold back the sobs any more. I didn’t know what to do with out her. What would she tell me to do?

‘Go get ice cream. Who care’s if it’s midnight?’ The exact thing I did to cheer her up. I pulled on a t-shirt and my running shoes, not bothering to change my flannel pajama pants.

The bell rang above the door as I walked into Y/n’s ice cream shop. I gave a weak smile to Brandy. She smiled back and then looked behind me for Y/n, her smile faltering.

“I, I thought you guys would be together forever.” She whispered. “You guys were great, perfect for each other.”

“She didn’t leave me.” I cringed at my tear soaked voice. “Well, she did. But not like that. She, she…” I couldn’t bring myself to say that word.

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” She ran around the counter, wrapping her small arms around my waist. “Ice cream’s on the house tonight, okay?” She whispered, tears in her own eyes.

I'll watch the night turn light blue But it's not the same without you Because it takes two to whisper quietly The silence isn't so bad 'Till I look at my hands and feel sad 'Cause the spaces between my fingers Are right where yours fit perfectly

Sometimes I would be able to forget about her. I didn’t want to. But sometimes I would go for a run in the woods behind the bunker and everything would fade away. Silence surrounding me and invading every part of my being. I would glance down at my hands, and I would imagine the way that her fingers felt sliding through mine to rest perfectly together. That’s when the tears would come.

I would break down, falling to my knees in the dirt, not caring about anything. The grief would take over everything, completely drowning out the silence. I would clench my hands together trying desperately to cling to that fading memory of her touch.

This is where I find myself yet again. I let the sobs rack my body as I stumble to a tree to support my weight. I reach it just as my knees give out, falling so that my shoulder slams into the bark painfully. I don't care that my tears are mixing with he dirt at my feet to make mud. As the tears subside into dry heaving I let myself slid down to the ground, I can’t get her face out of my mind. The way she looked at me when she was trying to kill me. That would forever be my last memory of her. Nothing could change that.

The tears start up again and I can’t take my eyes off my hands.

I'll find repose in new ways Though I haven't slept in two days 'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone But drenched in vanilla twilight I'll sit on the front porch all night Waist deep in thought because when I think of you I don't feel so alone

I’m sitting on the porch when Dean comes home. Cas is with him. They stop talking as soon as they see me. It doesn’t matter though, as I’m too consumed by my thoughts of Y/n to comprehend what they’re saying.

“Dude? When’s the last time you’ve slept?” I realize that Dean is right in front of me, his hand on my shoulder. I don’t remember him moving into that position. I shrug, honestly having no clue.

“Dean, can I talk to him for a moment please.”

“Yeah sure. I’ll be inside.”

I can feel Cas’ presence beside me, but I don’t turn to look at him. His voice invades my privacy, and I want nothing more then for him to leave me to my thoughts.

“I’ve been to her Heaven Sam.” At that I am pulled from my depression. “She’s happy. You’re there too, in a ice cream shop. You talk and laugh all the time. The music never stops and she enjoy’s dancing with you. It’s very nice. She wouldn’t want you to be like this Sam. She would want you to keep living.” With that he doesn’t wait for a response, just get’s up and goes inside to Dean.

I stay sitting out there for the rest of the night, drowning my self in my sorrow one last time. Because he’s right. She wouldn’t want this. She would want me to not care that it’s midnight and go get ice cream any way. Just as the sun starts to rise above the horizon I stand up and stretch the stiffness from my body. I turn and head inside to find Dean and Cas.

When violet eyes get brighter And heavy wings grow lighter I'll taste the sky and feel alive again And I'll forget the world that I knew But I swear I won't forget you Oh if my voice could reach back through the past I'd whisper in your ear:

"Oh darling, I wish you were here"

[its-love-u-asshole]

Let My Love [Ch. 1]

Pairings: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei

Summary: For Kuroo, finding love was all about patience. He had no problem with waiting for the right person to come along, no matter how many awkward dinners or weddings he had to endure as a single man until they did. Regardless, meeting Tsukishima was something he’d never been prepared for. The feelings were overwhelming and intoxicating, ones he was sure he’d do anything for. However, it seemed his endless waiting wasn’t over. 

Rating: T 

Warnings: none

Note: haha...I started another multichapter -sweats- I’m excited for this though, it’s a bit different from the stuff I usually write and will have some other storylines so it’s definitely a challenge for me! I like the idea a lot though, so I’ll try to update as much as possible before school starts <3 Enjoy! Thanks to @emeraldwaves​ and @amajikies for reading this over! 

AO3

Kuroo’s hands typed steadily, the words and phrases beginning to read more like gibberish in his mind instead of proper sentences. Not to mention he missed a letter every now and again due to his sleep deprived brain, resulting in atrocious typos he was in no mood to fix. His fingers stopped suddenly, eyes uselessly scanning over the blurry letters and science formulas. Obviously, writing this article was a little beyond his comprehension level right now.

That, and the fact he could barely focus on any of his older cousin’s words through the phone were probably good signs he needed caffeine. However, upon rolling out of bed, the energy to actually go to his kitchen and rectify the situation had been quickly drained out of him when he noticed his phone light up.

He couldn’t explain it exactly, but Kuroo felt he had a sixth sense at times when it came to reading the mood of a certain situation or day. This particular day, it was dread he sensed, like the universe was willing him to not pick up the phone. Kuroo thought he could just let it ring, as he did with most calls, but when Semi’s name and photo appeared clear as day on screen, he knew he had no choice but to answer.

It was far too early for this.

Kuroo rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, grimacing at the grainy bits of sand he caught on his fingers as he leaned back in his chair, defeated. “A lake house? You want to rent a lake house?”

Semi’s all too innocent voice drifted smoothly through the phone, the voice of someone who had probably been up for hours already. Jerk. “Yeah, Kenjiro thought—”

“Don’t implicate me in this,” a flat, much grumpier voice called from somewhere in the background, and Kuroo couldn’t help but laugh at Semi’s grunt of disapproval.

At least he could always count on Shirabu to keep things real with him, no matter how blunt he could be. How someone as considerate and polite as Semi managed to fall in love with the crown prince of callousness, Kuroo would never know.

Of course, he knew that was an exaggeration, but like hell was he going to point out how perfect the two were together when they were literally trying to drag him on some ridiculous adventure.

“Fine,” Semi continued, his sigh long and surrendering. “I thought it would be nice for all of us to get together for a week. It’s been a long time, and god knows a lot of us work too hard. A vacation seemed like a good idea.”

“All of us? Like…all of us?” At that, Kuroo found himself a bit more awake.

Semi had a point, Kuroo worked himself like a dog writing for the science magazine, though he wasn’t afraid to say he loved his job. It was the best, writing about the things and discoveries which fascinated him, and it even meant he could work from home. However, it could get to him, being all cooped up. The thought of going to a lake house with all his closest friends sounded like a dream. But while he could admit a vacation wasn’t a terrible idea, the well-mannered part of him couldn’t stand for Semi’s grandiose gesture of friendship.

“Yes Kuroo, all of us,” Semi said, his tone practically the vocal equivalent of an eye roll. “Stop trying to act like I’ll be feeding an army, it’s nine people.”

“That’s a lot of rooms too…”

“Only six rooms, married couples tend to sleep together you know,” Semi said, voice smug as if he’d already won the argument. Ah yes, the other problem…

“It’s still expensive Semi, and wait…nine people?” Kuroo grabbed a stray pen on his desk, wincing when some of the ink leaked through the pen cap and onto his hand. He needed new office supplies…

Without waiting for a response, he grabbed a random notepad and began to work it out in his head. There was him, and then there was Semi and Shirabu (duh Tetsurou), Oikawa, Yachi, Kyoutani, Yahaba, and finally Terushima. At the thought of his eccentric, fun loving cousin, Kuroo couldn’t help but smile. He, Semi, and Kuroo had grown up together, forced to attend family events and reunions where they would of course wander off and get into trouble. He looked down at the names, feeling a surge of nostalgia at how much he missed them. Seeing everyone again would be nice…

Still, he was seeing eight.

“I’m a professional athlete Kuroo, I…make more than enough money,” Semi informed softly, clearing his throat right after. Kuroo snorted to himself, of course Semi would feel bad about seemingly bragging about his income. Riches hadn’t changed him in the slightest, and it made Kuroo miss him all the more. “And oh yeah, Teru apparently has a new boyfriend, so he’ll be coming. Apparently our dear cousin really likes this one.”

Of course he does.

The news was enough to bring out a wry smile onto Kuroo’s face. Terushima had introduced them all to a handful of potential beaus and babes in the past, but none had ever made the final cut. He hoped this one was different. As picky and ridiculous as his younger cousin could be, he deserved to be happy.

But that didn’t mean Kuroo couldn’t make fun of him. In fact, he could make fun of a lot of the people he considered family too.

“Oikawa isn’t bringing his one true love? He sure talks about him enough,” Kuroo said, making a mental note to call the brunet at some point; it had been a while. In the background, he could hear Shirabu scoff and hum in agreement.

“Iwaizumi is still away at grad school abroad, otherwise I’m sure Oikawa would insist,” Semi said with barely concealed amusement. “But anyways, stop avoiding the question. Will you come? The house has Wi-Fi so don’t even think of using work as an excuse.”

Kuroo couldn’t hold back his wince, Semi sure did know him well. It wasn’t like Kuroo was actively trying to get out of going though, really, the whole idea sounded like a lot of fun. It was just—

Semi made an undignified squawk on the other end of the call, and before Kuroo knew it, Shirabu’s cutting voice was ringing through his ears. “Stop bullshitting him Kuroo, we all know you just don’t wanna go because you hate being the only single person there.”

The words were like ice, quickly traveling through his body and veins until he was frozen over completely, the pen dropping from his hand and clattering onto the desk. Kuroo clutched the phone tighter, knowing he’d been caught.

Well damn.

“K-Kenjiro! You don’t need to be so rude…” Semi sounded distant, voice fading in and out of clarity as if he was physically having to wrestle the phone away from his husband.

“Well it’s true!”

“Why would that matter to Kuroo? He’s not like that,” Semi said with a final strain to the end of his statement, his breath heavy from finally having won the phone back. “Um…right? Kuroo?”

Kuroo winced again, and that was all Shirabu needed to hum triumphantly. Bastard. How Kuroo had been friends with both of them since the baby daycare days perplexed him. Either way, it meant they knew him well enough, and someone with no tact like Shirabu was more than happy to point it out. Bless Semi, that poor soul.

It wasn’t like Kuroo was upset he was the only single person in their friend group (well, aside from Yachi, but no one gave her the same crap they gave Kuroo).  He wasn’t envious, not in the slightest. It was simply annoying. Every time he’d meet up with his friends or family, it always came back to who he was dating. Or well, who and why he wasn’t dating. Kuroo was pretty good looking, had a well-paying and steady job, and was all around a charismatic guy. As a college student, he’d go on dates all the time, hook-ups, blind dates, kissing booths, whatever. Girls and guys liked him, loved him even. He just hadn’t found someone he loved back.

After a while, he’d gotten tired of just sleeping around or breaking hearts when he knew he had no intention of making a life with any of the people he dated. What was the point in dating just for the sake of it? So, he’d stopped. Kuroo had promised himself he’d only get involved in relationships if he could see himself falling in love, if there was a real connection. So far, there hadn’t been, and he was more than content with that. Falling in love and getting married was definitely something he wanted sure, but he wanted it with the right person, and he had no problem waiting.

His friends disagreed.

“Well, see…you guys don’t exactly leave me alone about that stuff,” Kuroo admitted sheepishly, slumping when he heard Semi’s indignant gasp.

“That’s not true! When have we ever done that?”

At that, Kuroo couldn’t help but give a dry laugh.

Well, never. Directly.

But Kuroo could count how many odd looks he’d gotten at Semi and Shirabu’s wedding, and it had started a trend. An awful trend. It was always ‘Semi seems really happy as a married man’ from his mother, or ‘when are you gonna find that lucky someone, Tetsu?’ from his dad. Then there was Oikawa’s constant nagging, or Yachi’s well-meaning but awkward questioning.

And then it had gone further downhill, because all his friends started to settle down, which made his singleness seem amplified by fifty percent--it was like he was a walking pity party. Oikawa had a date every weekend it seemed, never short of suitors. Then Iwaizumi came into his life, and Oikawa had never been happier. Terushima was the same, albeit with a bit more drama and still no permanent relationship, but it seemed that was changing too. Hell, Kyoutani and Yahaba had basically been in love since middle school, and their wedding had been the previous year.

(Kuroo was specifically sat at the table nearest the bar at that wedding, right next to the singles table. Nothing was more depressing. So yeah, lots of fun.)

“You guys realize that everyone outside of our group sees me as the lonely troll under the relationship bridge right?” Kuroo deadpanned, trying to restrain his laughter when dead silence was heard on the other line. “Say, why doesn’t anyone get on Yachi’s case for this?”

Shirabu was quick to answer. “Because she’s a peppy independent woman, and you’re a loser.”

“Kenjiro.”

“Just consider coming Kuroo, it’s not a big deal,” Shirabu said finally, and the sudden softness actually made Kuroo perk up. “If you really think the attention will be a problem, bring someone. Or don’t. Whatever. You know we’ll all drag you there anyways…”

The last statement was said in a whisper, and Kuroo could practically tell Shirabu was glaring at the phone. Shirabu was actually trying to comfort him, and it was pissing him off. What a nerd.

Kuroo smiled, the implied ‘we miss you’ in Shirabu’s words having not gone undetected. His chest felt warmer than it had in weeks, and his only regret was that it was the feisty ex-setter who had delivered the final blow. Damn, what did he do to deserve these wonderful idiots?

“You know I’m waiting for the right person, but I’ll keep an eye out,” Kuroo said with a grin.

“You do that Kuroo,” Shirabu deadpanned, and shortly after, Semi cleared his throat.

“So…you’ll come? You have about a month to decide but…” Semi trailed off, and he was probably doing that thing where he bit his lip or stuck out his tongue from nervousness. Just like back when they were kids…

Kuroo laughed, the sleepiness from earlier having fully melted away. “Yeah, sure.”

After all, he couldn’t let his biggest fans down. What would they do for a whole week without his puns and knowledge of newly founded scientific theories?

Kuroo couldn’t help but smirk. This time, he’d have all the fun.

“Great,” Semi breathed out finally, texting Kuroo the details as if he’d been waiting to the whole time. He probably had been.

There was a comfortable silence that followed as Kuroo looked over dates of the vacation, and as he was about to hang up, Shirabu spoke up for the last time, voice smug and mocking.

“So…when are you gonna get married Kuroo, you’re getting kind of old don’t you think?”

Kuroo answered with the dial tone.

--

Hoping to be productive, Kuroo made plans to go to the library the next day. If he was going to go on this trip, he wanted to get a head start on next month’s article. It was better to have most of it done now than to spend most of the vacation worrying about it.

However, as he walked up the stone steps to the library’s revolving doors, he couldn’t help but feel out of place and jittery. It was stupid, considering all the other times he worked at the library, and how usually it provided him with a motivational and quiet environment. Today just wasn’t his day it seemed.

Kuroo would be up for a promotion soon—so these next two articles, one of which was finished, had to be perfect. That was stressful enough, but more than anything, he couldn’t help but find himself flustered over the phone call with Semi from the previous day. Maybe it was general excitement at the thought of seeing all his friends again, but the dread from before was still there.

Kuroo hated to admit it, but maybe the whole being single thing was getting to him more than he thought. He was twenty-seven, almost twenty-eight, and by no means old. Hell, with his looks and health, he was in the prime of his life. There was no need to worry about him finding a potential partner anytime soon, and it wasn’t something he wanted to rush.

Of course, that hadn’t stopped his brain from giving him nightmares about dying alone. What a good night he’d had.

Sighing, Kuroo happily stepped into the library, inhaling the comforting scent of books and printer ink which always brought him solace. After college, the library became his new most visited place after the volleyball court, a place he could sit in all day and get lost in his imagination and thirst for knowledge. It was perfect, and he couldn’t wait to get started on his research for the magazine’s article.

Luck was, apparently, not on his side.

The collection of computers usually provided by the library as databases were all turned off, with sheets of paper taped to each one. Already cursing the day, but never one to be negative, Kuroo walked over to them. The papers said what he’d expected, that the computers were out of order, and to go to a library attendant if people needed help finding the books. Glancing over to the main help desk, Kuroo saw two computers for the librarians to use as databases, and could already tell that a line would no doubt form once more people came in.

Thank god he’d come early.

Kuroo strides were brisk as he approached the counter, eyes trained on the desk. He’d have to find all his books now if he didn’t want to wait in line later…

Plopping his book bag on the desk, Kuroo began rifling through it in frustration, searching for the resource list he’d haphazardly stuffed into it that morning. He didn’t look up when he heard footsteps stop in front of him, too focused on making sure the rest of his day went off without a hitch.

As he rifled through his things, he came across Yahaba and Kyoutani’s old wedding invitation, which he’d never thrown out, souring his mood even further. Why the universe was bent on reminding him of his own romance predicament, he wasn’t sure.

Kuroo didn’t even bother holding back a groan as he resumed looking for his book list.

“Can I help you with something?” The person in front of him finally spoke, voice soft and velvety despite the irritation laced through it. It reminded Kuroo of a freezing gust of wind, refreshing and biting all at once. Kuroo was too involved in his own task to really linger on the sudden sensation though, or the source.

As a result, his tact had also seemed to fly right out of him. “Yeah, got any books on how to get my annoying friends off my back about being single?”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Kuroo felt like sucking them back in, his breath hitching with the power of a vacuum as he processed what he'd said. Ah damn. 

Oversharing had never been an issue for him, yet here he was, accidentally unleashing his frustrations out to an unsuspecting library worker. Kuroo pursed his lips, his hand freezing just as it gripped the sheet of paper he'd been looking for all along.

He waited for an awkward cough or scoff, maybe even a scolding for his rudeness. It definitely wasn't his day. Kuroo tapped his fingers against the tarnished wooden surface of the desk, stiffly pulling out his resource list and laying it flat in front of the employee. Kuroo didn’t dare look at the other’s face.

Instead of sounding irritated though, the person simply snorted, their body relaxing as they leaned against the counter. From their close proximity, Kuroo could smell the faint scent of sand and saltwater—his favorite.

“If such a book did exist, I’m sure people would be fighting over it as we speak," the voice answered, and yeah, Kuroo thought, velvety was the perfect way to describe it. He may have written scientific articles, but he knew his way around some adjectives.

Oh god, he was an idiot.

But actually yeah, the other had a point.

Kuroo laughed at the joke, tension leaving his muscles as he ran a hand through his hair. Finally, he looked up as he spoke, unaware of just how deadly of a blow it would be. "Yeah, you got a point ther—"

Kuroo choked on the end of his sentence, and the sensation returned tenfold. Like a cold, refreshing gust of wind, or an ocean breeze at night, golden lanterns lighting the way...

That was what looking at the other man in front of him felt like. Kuroo didn’t know it was possible, to have just one person practically embody such an image.

The young man's eyebrow arched in question, his plush lips pulled into a frown as his gaze slowly drifted to the paper on the desk. As his hand reached out, Kuroo noted how the sleeves of his black jumper were too long, easily sliding past his palms. The v-neckline of the jumper was skewed, as if the other had put it on in a bit of a rush. His blond hair was damp, and it pressed against his neck and forehead, and Kuroo could take a guess now about why the other smelled like he was born from the sea. So many questions…

Beautifully pale skin.

Piercing honey brown eyes which glowed behind black frames.

Long, delicate fingers.

Kuroo's eyes jumped from one feature to the other, his mind trying to drink in as much as he could before he was forced to step back into reality. He didn't know what had gotten into him, or why he'd never seen this man at the library before, but Kuroo couldn't take his eyes off him.

"Um, do you need me to look up all of these?" The blond's tone was hesitant, slow, alerting Kuroo to the fact he probably looked like a complete moron staring into oblivion. The blond's fingers crept over the crumpled paper, pulling it closer to him.

Kuroo cleared his throat, knocking on the desk with his knuckles as he begged himself to form coherent words. "Uh yeah, please! I need them for an--articles, magazine articles I mean. I write magazine articles."

Oh my god, what's wrong with you?

Kuroo was known to be quite the smooth talker, and this was just embarrassing.

The blond squinted warily before he moved to the computer, beginning to type in the authors Kuroo had listed. Every now and again, his gaze would flick back to Kuroo, his fingers slowing in their typing.

Kuroo wondered if he felt it too...whatever this weird moment was.

Kuroo couldn't have explained it if he'd tried, it was something he'd seldom experienced. It wasn't that Kuroo didn't believe love at first sight could happen, though it was rare. He didn't even know if this was it, but he knew his own emotions, and he trusted his instincts.

This person in front of him was special, and Kuroo wanted to find out why.

He leaned more of his weight on the desk, inching closer into the other's personal bubble as he watched the blond dutifully write down the call numbers from the computer.

Hell, his handwriting was even pretty.

"Hey," Kuroo began, his voice still feeling way too loud despite his whispering. "I haven't seen you around before. I mean, I come to the library often for work, I know most of the employees pretty well."

"Do you want a medal?" The other scoffed before his face twisted in regret, as if he'd forgotten he was at work. Kuroo lost it. He snickered into his hand as the blond pouted, his stunning eyes sending an impressive glare at his computer screen as he aggressively scribbled down another number.

"Actually yeah, I do. My one from last year isn't as shiny anymore, " Kuroo retorted, happy when the other relaxed upon realizing Kuroo wasn't actually angry at the comment.

The blond rolled his eyes, but Kuroo didn't miss the amusement hidden in them.

"Seriously though, how do I know you're not some impostor, trying to steal forbidden library secrets?"

At that, the other actually stopped typing, bringing a hand to his hip as his eyes stared up at the ceiling, as if trying to figure out how to answer Kuroo without calling him an outright nuisance.

"I already know where the hidden make out row is, thank you very much," he finally said with the ghost of a smirk, and fuck, Kuroo felt a shiver run down his back. "I'm a new volunteer, that's all."

"Volunteer?" Kuroo perked up, his head tilting to the side. "You a college student or something blondie?"

"It's Tsukishima. And I'm not, I'm a web designer." Tsukishima tensed after that, his eyes going wide like he'd said too much, and he regarded Kuroo curiously afterwards. It was pretty cute actually, as if Kuroo had performed some sort of witch craft.

Ah, so he's not normally a sharer?

For some reason, the realization ignited a fire in Kuroo. "Work from home?"

"....yeah."

"Me too!" Kuroo said, clapping his hands together. "What a small world. I also come here for fun of course."

At that, the blond crossed his arms, unbelievably unimpressed.

"So you write science articles, stay at home, and the idea of going to the library is what constitutes as fun?" Tsukishima clicked his tongue, his smile smug and practically begging Kuroo to snap a photo of him. "You sound like a nerd to me."

Oho, a decent jab. But Kuroo could return anything dished out.

"I'm pretty sure web design is nerdier than magazine writing."

"Science magazines. That makes a big difference. Have you seen the titles of these books?" Tsukishima waved the paper around, the wobbly sound echoing into the silence of the library.

Ugh, so cute. What the hell.

"Okay now, no need to get vicious."

"There's always a need to get vicious,” Tsukishima said with a huff, his eyes twinkling with mirth.

"Spare my poor chemistry books kind sir, I beg you." Kuroo couldn't help but smirk, his skin warm as their eyes locked, building a fire deep inside him. What is going on?

He was just having a normal conversation for fuck’s sake. Right?

The quick beating of his heart disagreed. The amusement faded from Tsukishima's eyes as their staring contest continued, those long, beautiful fingers clenching around the pen the blond was holding. It was then Kuroo realized Tsukishima had scrawled the last call number down long ago.

The chill was back, the connection was there.

Kuroo wondered how close he'd be standing if the desk wasn’t separating them, the pull between them too strong. It would've certainly been enough to lure him into the blond's waters, and he didn't have a clue why.

He didn't really have to know why either. Sometimes, he just knew when he'd met someone worth his time, and why miss out on it?

Kuroo licked his lips, not missing the way Tsukishima's gaze flicked to them quickly before returning to Kuroo's eyes. "Um...do you--"

There was a loud cough behind him, and everything seemed to unfreeze, the smell of the ocean and sounds of the sea disappearing into nothingness as the spell broke. The fog in his brain lifted, and he wasn’t sure he was thankful for it.

"Excuse me?" An aggravated voice spoke up behind him, way too loud for the preferred library volume. Kuroo glanced over his shoulder expecting to see one disgruntled patron, but was met with a line of seven or eight people.

Whoops.

Kuroo flushed, smiling sheepishly as he pulled his book bag back over his shoulder in a haste. As he did so, he caught sight of his watch, revealing he'd ended up staying at the counter for a good twenty minutes longer than intended.

Shit.

Tsukishima snapped out of his daze right after Kuroo, practically shoving the list of books into Kuroo's chest. The blond’s face returned to a more neutral expression, calm and almost uncaring despite the obvious complaints and mutters behind them.

"Here you are,” he said, defaulting back to a more professional tone. Then the blond leaned to the side, looking past Kuroo with evident annoyance in his eyes, luckily not directed at Kuroo. "I'll be with you in just a moment."

Kuroo heard the blond mutter a curse under his breath, and the man behind him in line huffed in displeasure. Kuroo felt guilty for holding up the line, but he was more in shock at the fact he hadn't noticed at all.

He was usually so much more observant than that, a people person, constantly aware of his surroundings. But in the moment, it had felt like nothing and no one else existed, and it made his palms sweat and his throat dry up.

"Uh thanks, sorry about that...well, bye," Kuroo stuttered out as he started to walk away, meeting Tsukishima's stare until the other was forced to tend to the next patron.

All the while, it was like something in Kuroo begged him to stay.

He shook his head profusely, willing himself to focus on finding the correct floor for the first book. He had work to do, whatever this was...he could sort it out later. His article was what mattered most.

Yet as he made his way to the second level of the library, not tearing his gaze away from the head of blond hair at the front desk until he absolutely had no choice, he knew this was far from over.

[shitfics]

One of These Nights (3/?); jongyu; pg

Jinki knows that he’s gay. What he doesn’t know is how to handle a crush on someone as entwined in the music industry as he is.

part 1 - part 2

sorry again that this has been such a wait! ^^; this follows jinki through lucifer promotions and is more of the slow burn 8) and for the chat part...this is the day and outfit jong is referencing

thanks as always @yurilikesgirls and @jongyued for all their help!

slight warning for brief homophobia/relateable closeted gay feels

"Hyung, get off of your phone," Minho whines. "Don't you want to listen to the game?"

Jinki ignores him and lifts up his book. His phone is still tucked between the open pages of the trot history book, but hopefully pretending to read would keep Minho from bothering him. He didn’t know that Jinki had already finished the book last week, and only kept it on him for his discussions with Jonghyun. For every chapter, Jonghyun had been sending him commentary: stories of all the artists he remembers playing from his mother's cassettes at the record shop she had used to own, nostalgia for the genre’s simple two-beat rhythm, and requests for Jinki to sing him one song or another the next time they meet. When his phone lights up with another request -- and a promise to buy Jinki drinks if he sings it -- he smiles, unable to hide his excitement.

"You could at least respond to the people you’re around, you know," Minho huffs, apparently not giving up on getting his attention. “You look happier about your phone than your members, lately.”

In the seat behind him, Jinki can practically hear Kibum rolling his eyes when he sighs. "Just let him be, Minho -- he's probably texting Jonghyun again. The old man needs someone his age to talk with."

Jinki shoots a glare back at Kibum, then returns to his phone. It does help for him to have someone outside of the band to talk to, especially during promotions. When he’s forced to spend every waking with the members, untangling tensions and trying to smother any new problems before they blow up, he needs a lifeline to the outside world to keep from going insane.

The game cuts to commercials, and Gyeongshik switches his attention away from the radio to their conversation. “Is it that Kim Jonghyun? The one who wrote some songs for your last album?"

"Yeah, that one," Taemin answers. "Jinki's gotten real close to him lately."

"Huh." He blinks, letting the car roll a few feet ahead before stopping again. "You know, I used to listen to his radio show, but I haven't listened to his show ever since he started stirring up controversy online.”

Jinki leans towards the front seats with interest -- as much as Jonghyun had shared with him about his radio show, he had never mentioned anything going wrong. "He had scandal?"

"Yeah. He posted something about that movement -- I forgot what it was called already -- the one at that university, where some student left a letter on a board talking about all sorts of stuff.  Basically coming out in support of homosexuals," he explains, and Jinki freezes, skin immediately prickling at the subtle disdain his manager layers into the word. "I heard they had to filter the show's messages for a little bit after that, since he was getting harassment. He should have expected it, really, saying things like that online..."

The leather of the front seat creaks under Jinki's fingers when he clenches his hand before retreating. He fiddles with his phone as the other members speak, rereading Jonghyun's last message to distract himself from the nervous swirl of nausea in his stomach.

He hates hearing the words for people like him. Even when they’re euphemisms, and even when the person saying them doesn’t wear a disgusted curl on their lip as Gyeongshik does -- it makes him sweat. Jinki wipes his palms on his jeans and keeps his face carefully blank. He’s never been able to shake the fear that some small expression or gesture will somehow pull everyone's attention towards him when the topic arises.

Thankfully, an announcement of an upcoming soccer game on the radio saves him -- Minho knocks his elbows into Jinki and Kibum in his rush to turn up the volume on the stereo, and the conversation ends there, drowned out under the flood of stats and predictions that Minho throws out as easily as the paid commentators.

With a sigh, Jinki reopens his phone and taps out a half-hearted response to Jonghyun's last text and sets down his phone. Though he's certain the topic is over for now, his heart is still racing, and he can’t bring himself to add the jokes and faces he usually adds to his messages. The knowledge that Jonghyun would risk public blowback to support him is a small comfort. He won't risk coming out to him -- he'd already decided not to air that secret to anyone -- but it's nice to know that Jonghyun might not be disgusted by him if he did.

He lays his head back against the carseat. It’s hard to imagine a life where he would feel up to the risk. Maybe if he weren't an idol, he could tell Jonghyun, or a few close friends -- maybe he'd even have the courage to ask Jonghyun out, if it wouldn’t ruin their friendship completely. But he has four other careers resting on him keeping that part of himself hidden, on top of his own, and he could never bring himself to risk that. Not for a miniscule shot at a crush.

***

As always, Jinki’s stomach was full of butterflies when the time came for their new song to be thrown in the competition of music shows. And like always, he’d had his doubts of their success -- their new title track was radically different from the last, and the pants they’d had to squeeze him in for the performance only raised his doubts -- but somehow, it had all come together. They’d won their first award, danced through their encore, and finally filed back into the dressing room to pick confetti out of their hair before changing into their own clothes to head home.

When Jinki returns to the dressing room, his phone is buzzing in his bag, and he already knows who it is. He rushes to give the staff a final bow and thanks, then passes their trophy over to Minho, letting him pose with it as he digs up his phone. He smiles at the string of missed messages from Jonghyun.

realjonghyun85: Jinki-yah!!!! Congratulations!!

realjonghyun85: I watched your performance tonight!!!

realjonghyun85: You got your first win!!! I'm so happy for you, Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: Your live was so good he he ... did you eat the extra CDs I bought? Is that where they went?

majingki: Ahhh I’m embarrassed

majingki: Thank you hyung ^^

majingki: You're too nice TT I still need to improve more

realjonghyun85: And you’re so humble ... but that's why you keep getting better isn't it ^^

realjonghyun85: You have to let me buy you a meal when you're done promoting, alright?

realjonghyun85: Or I can buy you drinks for each win you get ... your pick

majingki: Well, I'm going to need the drink he he

majingki: But food sounds good too TT

majingki: Do I really have to pick between them?

majingki: And if I pick food, you'll buy meat right...?

realjonghyun85: Ah!! Stop being cute

realjonghyun85: You don't have to pick

realjonghyun85: Of course I'll buy you both~

majingki: You don't have to ^^;

realjonghyun85: Well, you can't stop me now!!

realjonghyun85: So really ^^ Let me treat my winning dongsaeng

majingki: Ok~

majingki: Thank you hyung ^^

majingki: I didn't realize you would be watching our performance

realjonghyun85; Of course!

realjonghyun85: I never miss any music show he he

realjonghyun85: Me and my sister usually watch them together

realjonghyun85: I wanted to watch it for you anyway

reajonghyun85: That fishnet open back shirt...

realjonghyun85: Interesting styles idols are wearing these days ... he he

majingki: Please, don't tease me about it... TT

majingki: It's not like I pick the clothes out

majingki: We just have to dress flashy for our concept

realjonghyun85: That shirt was different from your usual image

realjonghyun85: You looked good

majingki: Hyung TT You're embarrassing me

realjonghyun85: Am I?

majingki: Yeah ... I'm not used to wearing things like that ... but it was a bit fun ^^

majingki: Made it easier to not get as sweaty since it was open

realjonghyun85: Yeah, I bet...

realjonghyun85: You seemed to enjoy it as much as the crowd

realjonghyun85: They liked seeing that much of you he he

majingki: Hyung!!!

majingki: Why are you like this ... I'm blushing

realjonghyun85: Ah, I'm teasing you too much, aren't I?

realjonghyun85: Sorry Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: It’s hard not to...

realjonghyun85: I'm a little drunk

majingki: Oh?

realjonghyun85: Yeah, noona bought us drinks to watch the show...

realjonghyun85: I’ve had a few he he

realjonghyun85: And she's already sick of me talking so much, so I messaged you

realjonghuyn85: Hopefully you don’t mind? ^^

majingki: I don't mind it hyung ^^

majingki: I like how talkative you are

realjonghyun85: Well, you're probably the first person to ever say that

realjonghyun85: Too kind ... my angel-hearted Jinki-yah

majingki: I’m just being honest hyung ^^

realjonghyun85: I'll believe you this time

realjonghyun85: But I should leave you alone ... I'm sure you want to celebrate the win with your members

majingki: Aw, you don't have to TTT

majingki: We'll probably just rest and eat...

majingki: Too tired for much else now

realjonghyun85: Well, I'll let you rest well then ^^

realjonghyun85: Noona is bugging me now anyway

realjonghyun85: She says I'm too drunk to be texting

majingki: You don't seem that drunk...

realljonghyun85: I know!! I told her you couldn't even tell!!

realjonghyun85: But I really am drunk ...

realjonghyun85: You just can't see my face he he

realjonghyun85: I'm actually all flushed

majingki: I wish I could see

majingki: It's been a while since you've been that drunk

realjonghyun85: Don't tempt me to send you a photo

realjonghyun85: That'll be embarrassing later

majingki: Why? ^^

majingki: You think I'll tease you about it?

realjonghyun85: Maybe he he

realjonghyun85: You're always a little unpredictable

majingki: Yeah? ^^

majingki: It's fun though, right?

realjonghyun85: Of course~

realjonghyun85: I always have fun with you

majingki: I have fun with you too, hyung ^^

realjonghyun85: Ahhh... you’re making me miss you more TT

realjonghyun85: I have to go now...

realjonghyun85: I can tell I'm getting ridiculous...

realjonghyun85: Better to inflict that on my noona than a busy idol like you

majingki: Okay hyung TT

majingki: I'll have to go back to the dorm with the members now anyway

majingki: But don't forget you can message me~ I'll respond between schedules

majingki: And come to my musical next week! Please?

majingki: I can probably meet you back stage ^^

realjonghyun85: Of course I'll be there! I know how hard you've been working

realjonghyun85: Later Jinki-yah!!

***

Jinki’s knee bounces double-time as he checks his phone for the third time in five minutes as he waits in the dressing room. He'd told Jonghyun to meet him backstage after his afternoon performance, in the short gap before preparations for the evening one. The last message from he’d gotten from Jonghyun had mentioned that he was bringing his sister along, so he hadn't even bothered to change out of his final costume from their afternoon performance, too afraid of being caught off guard.

With most of the other cast members out to grab food, the dressing room is quiet, and he hears Jonghyun's voice echoing down the hall even before a staff members knocks on the door.

"Jinki-ssi -- someone's here to see you."

Jinki jumps out of his chair and bounds to the door, swinging it open to grin widely at Jonghyun. "Youre here!"

"Shit, Jinki-yah!”  Jonghyun exhales, one hand thrown over his chest. “You don't need to startle me like that! And of course I'm here -- I'm only late when there's no schedule to stick to."

"Sorry, hyung." Jinki smile broadens when he sees that one of Jonghyun's arms has stayed stubbornly hidden behind his back. He leans to the side to try and steal a glance, heart fluttering at the possibility that Jonghyun had bought him a gift.

Catching Jinki's intent, Jonghyun steps back from the doorway before Jinki can tell what he's brought. "You look really different dressed like this." Jonghyun says, deflecting Jinki's attention from whatever he's hiding when he looks him up and down.

Jinki's nerves itch at the intensity of his stare. He fidgets with his belt, suddenly conscious of the extra attention it brings to the tightness of his jeans. "A good different, I hope?"

"Yeah, for sure -- I mean, I'm used to seeing you in makeup for shows on TV, but with these clothes, and your hair like this...you really look like a rock star."

"Thanks," Jinki straightens his back, confidence quickly soaring from the compliment. "I was a little worried I'm too soft to suit this kind of image."

"No, it really suits you, especially with the long hair--"

The sound of a woman clearing her throat interrupts him. "Are you ever going to move, Jjong? I can't get through the door to introduce myself with you standing there..."

"Right, sorry." Jonghyun shuffles quickly into the room, letting the woman follow behind in him. Jonghyun gestures to her, introducing her with a proud smile. "Jinki, this is my sister Sodam."

Jinki fixes the grin he had been wearing into a polite smile before he bows, making sure to bend to the full ninety degrees. He knows how much Jonghyun's sister means to him, and he wants to make a good impression. "It's nice to meet you."

"It's good to finally meet you too, Jinki." She smiles after returning the bow. "Jonghyun talks so much about you."

"She's just reciting cliches," Jonghyun mumbles, embarrassed. Sodam shakes her head from behind Jonghyun's shoulder, making Jinki grin. There's no reason for it, but having Sodam's approval of their friendship makes his crush seem a little less pathetic.

"We've gotten close these past few months, right? You don't need to be embarrassed about it, I'm flattered that you talk about me," Jinki says, feeling bold. When Jonghyun only shrugs shyly, Jinki points to the flowers in Jonghyun's hands. "...Are those for me?"

"Oh, right!" Jonghyun snaps out of his flustered state to hold the bouquet out for him. "We picked these up on the way for you."

Jinki takes them from Jonghyun hands, hiding his smile behind the thick bundle of flowers when he pulls them close. He doesn't want to look too delighted, but it’s the first time he’s ever been given flowers from anyone other than his parents.

"Jjong picked out the roses," Sodam says with a nudge at Jonghyun's shoulder.

Jonghyun jostles her back roughly. "I wanted to get something nice, and I don't know anything about flowers. I just grabbed whatever I could find."

"Well, they're really nice," Jinki says. He leans the bouquet back towards him, sighing at the fresh scent. "Thank you, hyung. I like them a lot."

Jonghyun scratches at the back of his neck, a pleased smile on his lips. "You're welcome."

Both of them rock back on their heels as the conversation stilts. When the silence begins to drag on, Sodam clears her throat. "So, how long can we stay back here before we get kicked out? I don't want to get you in trouble if we linger."

Jinki pokes his head out of the door. He'd found that he could judge how long they had before things got frantic by the pace of the stage crews' steps; that only half of them were only power-walking meant they still had some time left. "Maybe a few more minutes, since I still have to change...I think they want to go over some things before the evening performance."

"Well, we don't want to keep you, since you're the star of the show." Jonghyun grins at him. "But can we take a picture before we leave? I know you're going to wear this later in the show, but my phone doesn't have the best camera. I doubt I'm going to see you in an outfit like this again."

"Sounds great! I'll take the picture for you both." Sodam snatches Jonghyun's phone out of his hand. Gesturing for them to step back, she waves her hands, frowning as she tries to direct them. "Can't you get closer than that? This phone can't make a very wide shot."

Stepping closer, Jonghyun slings an arm over his shoulder and grumbles. "Lean down a little, could you? Your boots are too damn big."

Jinki snickers when Jonghyun stumbles on his toes as he tries to stand taller. "Having trouble reaching, hyung?"

"You're lucky I'm not allowed to mess up your hair tonight, Jinki-yah." Jonghyun's fingers snake under his curls to give a quick pinch at the back of his neck. "You're being extra cheeky."

When Jinki yelps, Sodam sighs, brows furrowed in exaggerated annoyance. "Can I take a picture of you two, or are you going to just play around?"

"Yes, yes, picture time, got it." Jonghyun points to the camera. "Smile, Jinki-yah."

Jinki faces the camera as instructed and beams, unable to help smiling brighter when he feels Jonghyun squeeze his shoulder and lean more of his weight on him for balance.

Sodam snaps a few more pictures, then claps her hands. "Alright, that's good." 

She passes the phone back to Jonghyun, who pulls up the pictures and holds it out so they can all see. Sodam rests her head on Jonghyun's shoulder and coos. "This picture came out so cute. You two look happy."

Sidling up on Jonghyun’s other side, Jinki stares at the picture, caught off guard by the brightness of his own smile. Did he always look that happy around Jonghyun?

Jonghyun hums. "It came out well, yeah -- should we use this one?"

"But your eyes are closed, hyung. Was that on purpose?"

"I do that a lot, haven't you noticed? My eyes get red when I fall asleep with my contacts in...it's the best way to cover that up." Jonghyun looks down at his phone again, this time tapping his way through the screen to twitter. "Do you mind if I upload it? You still have a few shows left to go, and your musical deserves some extra promoting. I know you've worked hard."

"Sure, go ahead," Jinki agrees. He's too pleased with Jonghyun's compliment to care that he usually avoids sharing things online. "It'll be nice to have it up there."

"Alright then, I'm uploading it..." Jonghyun taps and squints at his screen before he pulls away from it with a smile. "And it’s all done. Too late to delete it now."

Sodam only manages squeeze off a single question about Jinki’s career before before Jonghyun's phone buzzes violently in his hand, screen flickering every half-second with a new notification.

Jonghyun blinks at it. “Um...”

"You better turn that off completely during the show," Sodam says.

"I guess so," Jonghyun says, eyes wide as he opens up his phone. "That picture really took off fast -- is this why you never make your account public?"

Jinki shrugs. "Kind of. Too much attention can be a little overwhelming."

"Yeah, I guess...I didn't expect so many people to notice I posted something this quickly." Jonghyun taps rapidly at the screen, expression desperate as he tries to turn off the flood of notifications. "And now a lot of your fans are following me for whatever reason...how many can you possibly have?"

Jinki sticks out his lips in a fake pout. "Are you saying you expected me to be unpopular?"

"No." Jonghyun huffs. "I'm just saying I didn't expect people to follow me because of one picture with you."

"You should have expected it, Jjong -- Jinki's a celebrity after all." Sodam shrugs. "They're probably hoping you'll post more pictures with him later."

"Damn. I hope they aren't disappointed if I don't."

"We can take more pictures sometime," Jinki offers. "As long as you don't take any when we're out drinking. I don't want anyone to find where we're at, or see me drunk...I'd definitely get in trouble for that."

"I'm more likely to look drunk than you, so don't worry." Jonghyun laughs. "I'm not sure I want to do it anyway, it feels weird...like I'm using you for your fame."

"I know you're not like that, hyu--"

"You're telling me every costume designer went to get coffee?!" A booming voice from across the theater cuts Jinki off and makes Jonghyun jump. As Sodam snickers at Jonghyun’s reaction, Jinki cringes, able recognize the voice from across the theater.  

Jinki sighs and pushes back his bangs. "That was the director...he's a good guy, but I'm not sure you want to stick around. There'll be more of the yelling as we get closer to starting.”

"Alright. We should go and grab our seats, anyway," Sodam says. She nudges Jonghyun until he nods in agreement. "Good luck with your show, Jinki."

"I'll work hard." Jinki smiles, tucking the flowers under his other arm. "You two have good seats, right?"

"Very good seats," Jonghyun affirms. "I made sure to get the best. So you have to wave to us, okay?"

"I'll try, but I'm not sure I'll be able to see you with the stage lights."

Jonghyun laughs. "Don't worry about it then, just focus on your performance. If you make it a good one, I'll write up a review to please my new followers."

"You'll say good things about me no matter what," Jinki teases.

"You know I will." Jonghyun grins. Reaching in for a hug, he stops himself mid-way, pulling back before he crushes the bouquet of flowers against Jinki's side. Sodam's lips quirk in amusement at Jonghyun's awkward retreat when she turns her attention back to Jinki.

"Thanks for letting us backstage again. I'm going to take my brother away before he finds something else to talk about -- he can talk forever if you let him."

"Yeah...and I ought to get to work." Jinki swings his arms by his side, enjoying the playful glare Jonghyun sends him before he remembers to bow to Sodam. "It was nice to meet you. Thank you for coming to the musical."

"You too." She bows back.

Jinki watches them leave, waving to Jonghyun as he’s dragged away. The moment they step out of earshot, Sodam leans in towards Jonghyun's ear, chattering at him excitedly and glancing back at Jinki one last time.

Jinki catches her gaze with a knot in his stomach.

He should have concerned himself less with earning her approval, and more on keeping the butterflies that always fill his stomach around Jonghyun from affecting his behavior -- he can't shake the feeling that a part of her noticed he’s more fond of her brother than a friend should be.

 ***

 Jinki opens up his twitter the moment he gets back to the dorm, curious about what fans might have to say about his last performance of the musical. Though it was something he planned on doing anyway, Jonghyun's presence in the audience had emboldened him to give a little extra fanservice before the curtains had closed. Their fans didn't know it yet, but the only appearance they would have in Korea for the next year would be for their concert, and Jinki felt like he had to do something special to make up for it.

A picture of himself with his hands in the air and a broad smile on his lips makes him grin at the memory of that moment -- though he’d been worried about balancing the musical and its rehearsals in the middle of promotions, he’s glad he didn’t pass up the role. It had been nice to play a role outside of the polite and sweet side of him he always emphasized to fans.

Backing out from his search, Jinki moves on to his mentions, heart fluttering when he sees that a good number of them include the picture he took with Jonghyun. As silly as it is, a part of him can't help but be happy to see their names are being used side-by-side. Jinki scrolls down further, fully expecting the comments to be about the picture he had let Jonghyun take or the songs Jonghyun had written for their last album, but finds little mention of that -- instead, his screen is flooded with screenshots, taken on different phones at different resolutions but all evidence of the same thing: Jonghyun following one of his biggest fansites.

Jinki stares at his phone in disbelief, half wondering if it was a joke -- why would Jonghyun follow one his fansites? Closing it, he goes to Jonghyun's following list, seeing no mention of it -- he could write it off as an image edit that got spread around, but knowing Jonghyun, he has reason to be suspicious. He moves through a few random discussions amongst the fans, and the same ones that noticed him following the fansite were posting jokes about the unfollow that shortly followed it.

Jinki sets his phone aside and rolls onto his back, needing to stare at the ceiling to try and think. That’s enough evidence for him that it really happened. But it still seemed...odd. Jonghyun always talked about keeping up with the industry, so it could be about that -- but a fansite wouldn't tell him anything about musical trends. And updates on SHINee are easy enough to find on the official accounts he was already following.

The only reason for someone to follow a fansite of his would be to look at pictures or video of him, right? His mind hones in on that thought, building his hopes higher and higher until his heart is beating stupidly fast. Did he just follow the site on accident, after looking up pictures of Jinki? And if he did look up pictures -- how often did he do that? Was it because he wanted pictures of the musical, or was it a regular thing?

It had to mean something.

Reaching back for his phone, Jinki pulls up the image again to look at the timestamp one fan had given, squinting at the screen as he zooms until he can read the small 3:03 am printed in the corner. Jonghyun had followed his site only an hour after ending his radio show.

So Jonghyun gets home around 3am, and the first thing he does look at pictures of me?

Jinki swallows, cheeks growing warm when his mind jumps to other things Jonghyun might do late at night after work. There’s no way Jonghyun would look them up with that purpose in mind -- it's not like fansite pictures were revealing. But the idea is still enticing, enough for him to want to find out why Jonghyun decided to sign himself up for easy access to pictures of him.

It’d be easier to get information out of him in person, but he can’t stand to wait, so he opens up his last conversation with Jonghyun and starts with a teasing text.

majingki: Why did you follow my fansite hyung? ^^

Though his message is read immediately, Jonghyun’s response comes a few minutes later.

realjonghyun85: Eh? Your fansite?

majingki: Yeah ^^

realjonghyun85: I clicked it on accident!!

realjonghyun85: The screen on my new phone is so big, see TT I keep pushing the wrong buttons

majingki: But why were you on there hyung ^^ Are you a fan hehe

realjonghyun85: Well, you know I'm your fan

majingki: Yeah, I know ^^

realjonghyun85: How did you know I followed it, anyway?

majingki: I saw fans posting about it ... they put up screenshots ^^

realjonghyun85: Seriously? Wow... I have to be careful

realjonghyun85: They're like detectives

majingki: Careful?

majingki: You think you might follow one again? ^^

realjonghyun85: My hands are clumsy!

majingki: Do you look often? ^^

realjonghyun85: They take good pictures!

majingki: You should make one your phone background then hyung~

realjonghyun85: You really want me to?

majingki: I'm joking he he

realjonghyun85: Too bad, I'm going to do it now

realjonghyun85: This is what you get for teasing me Jinki-yah

majingki: Free promotion? Sounds like a good thing ^^

realjonghyun85: I guess so ... hehe

majingki: Pick something good ^^

realjonghyun85: No such thing as a bad picture from these sites, don't worry

majingki: Mm...

majingki: So you have looked at them a lot?

realjonghyun85: You know, you're always extra cheeky when it's late

majingki: ^^

realjonghyun85: Shouldn't you sleep?

majingki: I had to tease you first

majingki: But I guess you're right...

majingki: We can’t all stay up till 3am looking up idol pictures... ^^

realjonghyun85: Go to bed, Jinki-yah

realjonghyun85: You need your rest

majingki: Alright, alright ... I won’t tease you anymore

majingki: Thanks again for coming to the musical, hyung ^^

realjonghyun85: Of course!

realjonghyun85: You were great ^^

realjonghyun85: Sodam enjoyed it too, and she's not a musical person at all

majingki: ^^ Thanks

majingki: I'm glad she liked it ... I was nervous

majingki: But I’ll sleep now! Since hyung said I should!

realjonghyun85: Glad you finally listen to me  he he

majingki: You rest too ^^ Don't stay up too late hunting pictures~

realjonghyun85: I won’t!

realjonghyun85: Good night Jinki

***

"Hey, Jinki," Jonghyun greets him at the door and invites him in with a familiar hurried movement of his hands. "Sorry I'm not ready to leave yet. My friend is still here, we got caught up working on a new song together."

"That's fine." Jinki shrugs, toeing off his shoes before heading to wait on the couch. He's gotten used to catching Jonghyun in the middle an inspiration burst, and has learned to expect a small wait when he arrives. "You'll be done soon, you think?"

"Yeah, we're pretty much done." He walks past Jinki to the small music room. "Just let me help her pack her music and things, then we can--"

"Oh, I got it, Jonghyun." A woman steps out from the small studio, sheets of music shoved haphazardly into a set of folders under her arms.

Jinki stares at her, a sudden lump forming in his throat. He had always known that he couldn't be the only person Jonghyun worked with in his small apartment studio, but seeing first-hand that the person he’s working with is a pretty girl stirs a jealousy in him that he hadn't expected to feel. He wanted those moments all to himself.

The woman smiles at him broadly, then looks at Jonghyun as she comes to join them in the living room. "I didn't realize you were having a guest. I would have cut you off a while ago if I had known. I hate it when you're late to things."

"Yeah, well..." Jonghyun rubs the back of his neck. "I lost track of time, so I didn't think to say anything. But it's good we didn't lose the flow we had going, right?"

The woman rolls her eyes, obviously as familiar as Jinki is with Jonghyun's excuses. “You always lose track of time.”

"I know, I know." Jonghyun claps his hands together, eager to move the subject on from his habitual lateness, and gestures to Jinki. "This is the idol friend I was telling you about, Lee Jinki -- I guess you probably know him as SHINee's Onew.”

Before Jonghyun can introduce her in turn, she bows to Jinki. "I'm Sojin, Jonghyun's friend from high school. I usually play keyboard for him and help him write." There's a small spark in her eye as she pauses to fix her hair before continuing. "I'm sorry that we ran late, but I am glad I got to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you too," Jinki says, trying to ignore her smile even as he returns it. She's pretty, in a heart-wrenching way -- the image of her and Jonghyun sharing the piano bench is enough to make his chest burn. He locks his hands together in front of him and bows to her, hoping his politeness will hide the jealousy still clawing at his gut.

"Ah, you're even more handsome in real life..." she muses, eyes bouncing over his face when he straightens. "Jonghyun always keeps such good-looking friends."

Jonghyun's eyes widen. He looks quickly between Jinki and Sojin, clearly as caught off guard by the blatant flirting as Jinki had been.

"Well, of course he's good-looking, Sojin -- he's an idol," Jonghyun huffs. "And a popular one, too. I'm lucky I ever get to see him at all with how busy he is."

Sojin shakes her head and sighs before heading to the door. "You don't need to hint at me like that, Jonghyun. I understand that you two had plans. I'll leave."

"Sorry, I don’t mean to rush you out." Jonghyun apologizes, but follows her to the door and opens it without hesitation. "We just don’t get to see each other much, and he just finished promoting."

"That's a shame." Sojin stops outside the door. "I hope to see you again when you're not so rushed."

Jinki smiles, hoping it comes across as sincere. "Yeah, you too."

"Later, Sojin -- send me those recordings when you get the chance." Jonghyun closes the door after her, then slumps back against it with a heavy sigh. He fixes Jinki with an apologetic look as he straightens. "I'm really sorry about that, Jinki. I could tell you were kind of uncomfortable with her flirting."

"It's fine," Jinki says. "Stuff like that happens."

"Still, though." Jonghyun pouts. "Let me know if you want me to tell her to back off, alright? I doubt you two will meet again, but I don't want you to feel put on the spot like that if you do."

Jinki shrugs. He already feels better now that they're alone, and the tinge of protectiveness in Jonghyun's voice is nearly enough to make him forget his earlier jealousy. "I can handle it, hyung. I have plenty of experience turning people down."

Jonghyun shakes his head, a wry smile on his lips, and reaches out to ruffle Jinki’s hair before he can protest. "C'mon, now you're just bragging."

"I'm not, really!" Jinki squirms away from Jonghyun, fixing his bangs back into place as he backs up into the other room to escape. "It's just true!"

"I'm sure it is..." Jonghyun mumbles, suddenly pulling his hands back. The corners of his mouth etching deeper in annoyance as steps over to the coat rack to retrieve his jacket. "You're really good-looking. Probably get tons of offers."

"It doesn't matter -- I'm not really interested in dating," Jinki says, hoping to placate Jonghyun, though his own mood has already soured.

His mind has already made connections he never wanted to make, and he can only imagine one reason Jonghyun would be upset about Sojin's interest in him. Since before they met, Jonghyun had penned dozens of lyrics about one-sided love, but never given a name to his muse -- and if it were going to be anyone, wouldn't it be the girl he'd worked on music with since he was young?

He pushes the thought away, afraid of sharpening the tension between them. No point in thinking about it, anyway, when he'd never have a chance.

When Jonghyun returns, Jinki forces out a smile, slipping back into his shoes and watching patiently as Jonghyun shrugs on his jacket.

"Let's go grab something to eat." Jonghyun steps past him and swings open the door, uncharacteristically rushed. "I've been cooped up in here all day."

"Sounds good to me," Jinki agrees. He follows Jonghyun to the elevator in long strides to keep up with his pace. When the door closes behind them, the blurry reflection of Jonghyun with his arms crossed is enough to keep him from trying to start a conversation, so he shoves his hands in his pockets and waits, counting the seconds between the ding for each floor to distract himself.

Once outside, Jonghyun waves for them to cross the street, still wordless even as he directs them towards their usual restaurant. It's not as if Jinki needs verbal directions, when they've been to this place a few times before and they're walking together, but they've never made the short walk in total silence -- even if they have nothing to say, Jonghyun usually fills the space in with his absent humming. Tonight, he steps alongside Jinki quietly, looking deep in thought as they navigate their way through the bustle of pedestrians to reach the restaurant on the corner.

Just after they settle into their seats and make their orders, Jonghyun's phone buzzes against the table. He glares at it accusingly.

"Sojin wants your number," he grumbles, fingers beginning staccato taps of irritation across the screen when he opens his phone to begin a response.

“Sorry.” Jinki slumps back in his seat, feeling guilty. "It's not a big deal. Just tell her you won’t give it out or ignore it."

Jonghyun's mouth twists when he receives another message. "You sure you don't want her number or anything?"

"I already said I'm not interested," Jinki insists. He kicks at the leg of his own chair, irritated that Jonghyun seemed to be taking out whatever jealousy he felt on him. "Why are you so upset about it, anyway? Is Sojin some one-sided love of yours or something?"

The silence that follows is enough to make Jinki regret the question the minute it leaves his mouth. He'd rather not know if that’s true, and the intense stare Jonghyun is giving him makes him think it is.

"...Are you asking me that as a serious question, Jinki?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Jinki snaps. "You've worked with her since high school, right? And you spend so much time alone together...it makes sense that you would like her."

"Well, yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm interested in her at all," Jonghyun protests. He pinches the bridge of his nose, hiding his mouth with his hand as he gives a soft laugh. "Really, I'm not interested -- I've never even thought about it. We just work well together on music, and share a lot of early memories...we’re old friends. It's never been anything more than that."

Jinki's scrunches his nose and eyes Jonghyun, still skeptical. "You're acting like you're jealous, though."

"I'm not jealous." Jonghyun scowls. When their food is set down a moment later, he reaches across the table to swipe a piece of Jinki's food before beginning his explanation.  "I'm just irritated with how she’s acting, you know? I feel like she only hit on you so blatantly because you're an idol -- I've never seen her be so pushy before about a guy -- and I don't like that she'd treat you differently. I don't want you to have to worry about that part of your life around me."

"I told you I’m used to it, hyung." Jinki says. "It’s not a big deal unless there's a crazy crowd, or it’s one of our sasaeng fans. The only reason I'm tense right now is because you seem tense."

"Yeah, and I'm sorry for that." Jonghyun sighs and relaxes back into his chair. He wipes his hand on a napkin, then wring it in his hands, staring past Jinki as he thinks over his words before continuing. "Plus, I just ... am a bit jealous, I guess. I don't have a lot of friends I can meet up like this, one-on-one. And now I keep thinking you'll meet some other girl I work with and want me to invite her along--"

"I wouldn't do that."

"I wouldn't blame you, if you did," Jonghyun says, smiling reluctantly. "And it's selfish of me to not help you meet people, isn't it? It’s probably hard for you to date, as an idol. But I just don't like the idea of sharing the little time I get with you ... I've really grown to like it."

"I like it it just being us too,” Jinki says, not realizing how it sounds until Jonghyun averts his gaze to avoid meeting his eyes as a shy smile pulls at his lips.

A flush crawls up Jinki’s neck. He rushes to add on his statement, not wanting to say anything suspicious. "I mean, I'm used to being stuck around four other guys and fans, and since they're both really noisy--" he cuts himself off, already feeling like he's making things worse. "I meant that the quiet's a nice change. And you’re a great friend."

At his words, Jonghyun's expression warms, and Jinki has only a half-second to try and calm the flutter in his heart before Jonghyun reaches across the table to squeeze his shoulder.

"You’re a good friend to me too, Jinki-yah. I’m glad we’ve gotten so close.”

 ***

Jonghyun’s coffee table is covered in a dozen dishes and drinks for each of them. All of the bowls are open and steaming, ready to eat, and Jinki can’t remember the last time he’s seen so much food.

Jinki stretches his legs out under the table with a satisfied sigh and reaches for the second dish Jonghyun had ordered for them to share. He hasn't eaten properly in ages, it feels like. The latest blowup between Jino and Kibum at the dorm had given him plenty of reason to avoid any common areas, and between that and schedules he'd missed more meals than he'd eaten. The chance to relax with Jonghyun and a movie (the first Lord of the Rings, predictably -- because Jinki always lets Jonghyun pick and they had just finished the books) had brought back his hunger with a force that had his mouth watering from the moment their food came to the door.

His appetite doesn't go unnoticed by Jonghyun -- probably because they're bumping elbows every time Jinki reaches across the table to grab another piece of meat from Jonghyun's side -- and he imitates Jinki’s reach by knocking back into him with deliberate force.

"Are you hungry or something, Jinki-yah?" Jonghyun teases. "You seem to be eating off every corner of the table."

"A bit," Jinki answers, covering his mouth with his hand as he gives a sheepish smile and finishes chewing. "I haven't had a full meal like this since promotions started."

"Idols, really." Jonghyun tuts and shakes his head. He puts a hand on Jinki's shoulder for balance and stands, then settles onto the couch. "I’m full already, so the rest of the food is yours. Eat anything left that you like."

"Thanks, hyung." Jinki grins back at Jonghyun before reaching for what was left of his soup, He looks up at the movie as he sips the broth, trying to figure out what he had missed so far. Though they had read all the books together, Jinki hadn't enjoyed them enough to remember all the details, and he still got lost in all the nonsense about elves and dwarves and magic.

He squints at the white-robed wizard on screen. "Why is Gandalf asking that guy for help? I thought he was a bad guy?"

"He is -- Gandalf will learn that in a bit. He ends up blocking the fellowship's preferred path to Mordor, and is the reason the fellowship has to go through the Mines of Moria, which is where Gandalf falls."

Jinki hums with feigned interest and slumps back against the couch. Though the movie isn't his kind of story, it at least gets Jonghyun talking, and Jinki is fully content to listen to his commentary and glance over his shoulder to watch his reactions for the next few hours.

When the credits begin to roll, Jonghyun sighs and flips on the lamp next to him.

"I'm not going to force you through the next movie tonight," Jonghyun says. "It's getting pretty late for you."

"Oh, yeah..." Jinki trails off, already dreading returning the dorm. "I guess I should be heading back, huh?"

Jonghyun raises a brow at him. "You don't sound like you want to go back.”

“Not really.” Jinki sighs. He unfolds his hands on the table to stare at them, trying to think what to say. He shouldn't be sharing, not when it's an issue among the members -- but he trusts Jonghyun.

Jinki takes a deep breath and explains. "Kibum and Jino are fighting lately. I don't really know what started it -- I was gone for that, and they won't tell me -- but Jino's been making little jabs and Kibum's been an ass at every chance he can be." Jinki bites his lip in guilt: it's his job to keep things running smoothly, and he'd been failing at it. "And when they aren't doing that, they're completely silent, and the whole dorm is tense. I've tried to get them to talk about it a few times, but they won't listen. Jino refuses to admit he did anything to offend Kibum, and Kibum won't talk to him unless he does."

"It's not your fault if they won't talk," Jonghyun says gently. "Can you stay with your parents for bit and wait for Kibum and Jino to smooth things out on their own? They'll have to, eventually, since you’re all stuck together."

Jinki shakes his head. "My parents still live in Gwangmyeong...it's not that far, but I would feel like I'm running away if I went there. I have practice for our repackage to worry about, too."

Jonghyun fiddles with the rim of his glasses, brow wrinkling thoughtfully. "You could stay here for the night, then, if you wanted. The couch isn't that comfortable, but you're welcome to it."

Jinki blinks, caught off guard by the offer -- he hadn't realized Jonghyun considered them close enough for that to be on the table. "Are you sure? I really don't want to impose..."

"It's not imposing, Jinki-yah." Jonghyun laughs and pokes his shoulder with a socked foot. "I offered. And it’ll mean I get extra time with you, too -- that's definitely something I've been lacking lately."

"Yeah." Jinki smiles back at him gratefully. "Let me tell the members I’ll be staying, just in case they wonder why I’m not at the dorm."

He pulls out his phone and fires off a quick message into the members' group chat to tell them he'll be staying at Jonghyun's. His message is been read immediately by all four of them, but only Minho bothers to give him a quick response.

Sighing, he tosses the phone aside. "Looks like I can stay. No one said anything against it."

"Hey, I'm sure they miss you." Jonghyun pats his back reassuringly. "If you’re going to stay, we can watch the next movie.” He tugs on Jinki’s shirt to try and get him to stand. “But you should get up here if we're for it -- staying on the floor like that isn't good for your back."

"Sorry, hyung." Jinki grins and climbs up onto the couch, holding out his empty bottle to Jonghyun. "Do you have anymore to drink? If I'm staying, a little more couldn't hurt."

***

A little more turns out to be a whole bottle of soju Jonghyun had found in the back of his fridge. And just like with the food, Jonghyun cuts himself off early and leaves the rest to Jinki, who’s all too eager to finish off the rest. The fact that he’s staying at Jonghyun's house for the night has nestled as a bundle of nerves in his stomach, and he’s counting on the alcohol to take the edge off. After he finishes the last drop, Jinki tucks himself back against the cushion of the couch. The room is already swirling around him, and he needs something to lean against when the last few swallows hit.

Even with the lights off for the second movie, he see Jonghyun looking at him out of the corner of his eye, clearly concerned about the amount of alcohol Jinki had managed to drink. For some reason, the worry is amusing -- maybe because it's so painfully in character for Jonghyun, or maybe because he's really just that drunk. But the more he thinks about it, the harder it is not to laugh, and soon Jinki is snickering, shoulders rising up to his ears as he tries to keep himself from laughing fully.

Jonghyun turns to him, frowning with worry when Jinki immediately straightens his face to try and hide his amusement. "You're really drunk, Jinki-yah -- you sure you're up for watching the rest of this?"

"I'm fine, hyung," Jinki says, enunciating carefully to fight against the heavy feeling on his tongue. "I'm having fun! I want to finish the movie."

Jonghyun narrows his eyes. "If you're sure..."

"I'm sure." Jinki nods. He tries to bump his shoulder against Jonghyun's when he opens his mouth to argue, but the shift in weight is difficult to calculate, and he ends up nearly falling over Jonghyun's lap.

“Whoa, careful.” Jonghyun catches him quickly and helps him up with a gentle push. He eyes Jinki with caution. “...Maybe movement is a bad idea for you right now.”

"Mm, maybe." Jinki nestles back into the crease between the back cushions of the couch. Jonghyun hadn't bothered to push him all the way upright, so he has good reason to stay put -- especially when that means leaving only a few inches of distance between them.

He looks through his lashes up at Jonghyun. He can’t not look, now that he’s realized how close they are.

A sudden heaviness pulls on his chest. He shouldn't be thinking about doing anything -- shouldn't even entertain the thought -- but the alcohol is a good excuse to let himself indulge. And Jonghyun never seems to mind closeness, so leaning against him wouldn’t be that different than helping him with billiards, except he's touching with no goal in mind but the pleasant fizzle in his stomach he can never admit to having. Jinki bites his lip and shifts closer a few inches at a time, still unsure if he wants his approach to be noticed or not.

Jonghyun makes no attempt to move away -- if anything, he seems to be leaning back towards him -- and Jinki gets bolder. He nuzzles his cheek against Jonghyun's shoulder, then moves lower, adjusting his weight until he's resting his head fully on Jonghyun's arm and his right hand is up against his leg.

At that, Jonghyun stiffens, and Jinki stops, suddenly afraid he had gone too far. "This okay, hyung?"

"It's fine," Jonghyun says, keeping his eyes locked on the screen. The shadows along his neck from the dim light of the television shift as he swallows, bending into new shapes when he adjusts his arm to rest behind Jinki's shoulders. "You still comfortable?"

"Yeah," Jinki breathes. The movie blurs as he adjusts to the new angle, a half-mixture of faces and movement that seems much less important than the soft and steady sound of Jonghyun breathing deeply above him. Jinki's heart pounds in his throat as what he’s done sinks in.

Jonghyun's arm is around him, and his cheek is pressed right against Jonghyun’s chest, and Jonghyun’s chest is warm and firm and everything he’d imagined it to be, the few times he’d dared to think about it.

He's had this kind of contact with his members before, but it had never felt this thrilling.

He tries to force his attention back to the movie with little luck. At every tense scene, Jonghyun's fingers tighten slightly around his arm, sending a buzz flitting across his skin that reminds him how close they are.

All he would have to do to kiss Jonghyun is lift himself a few inches and turn his head.

As the image in his mind gets more detailed, Jinki flushes, trying to ignore the voice in his head that tells him alcohol would be a perfect excuse for anything he might do. Shaking his head, he throws his attention back to the movie, needing something to comment on to end the silence that has his mind racing.

"The movies are way better than the books," Jinki says, flapping his hand at the screen. The camera pans out to fields and forests, and Jinki continues, mumbling under his breath. "I don't have to read all those boring descriptions of trees and nature or whatever...I can just look at them."

Jonghyun laughs softly. "You didn't like the books, huh?"

"They were a little boring, yeah..." Jinki trails off. He closes his eyes, enjoying the small shift of Jonghyun's chest against his cheek when he gives a mocking huff of offense. "But I wanted to read them since you liked them so much."

"Well, I'm honored you'd endure that for me," Jonghyun says. Despite his teasing tone, his voice sounds heavy, and his hand runs a small circle on Jinki’s shoulder. "Just tell me next time if you don't like what I pick, and we'll find something else."

"Okay." Jinki yawns and stretches out fully on the couch. "Will you be mad if I fall asleep, hyung? The movie's really dragging on..."

"I won't be mad. You don't like them either, do you?"

"Mm." Jinki closes his eyes to dodge the question. When the movie picks up into an action scene that takes Jonghyun's attention away from him, Jinki uses the chance to settle fully onto his chest.

Jonghyun's fingers whisper through his hair and push back his bangs. "...Jinki-yah? Are you falling asleep?"

Jinki gives a tired grunt. He's not sure if he will, but he's already slipped peacefully into the warm and content stage of drunkenness where he doesn't want to move. Maybe if Jonghyun thinks he's asleep they can stay like this all night.

 ***

 Jinki wakes up in a sweat. He doesn't remember going to sleep with a blanket on him, or the pillow under his head. Kicking off the blanket, Jinki stands, immediately reaching for the button of his pants. As always, he’d worn his best-fitting jeans when he saw Jonghyun, and though they aren’t uncomfortably tight, they're still too warm to sleep in, especially when he's still a little buzzed. Undoing the zipper, Jinki shoves them down around his knees and pries them off of his calves, nearly tripping over his feet as he tries to step out of them.

He swears under his breath until he kicks them off in triumph and collapses back on the couch. When he looks up, Jonghyun is standing outside of his room, looking frozen between heading back inside and moving on to the kitchen.

"Oh, hyung. Sorry, uh--" Jinki says, grateful that the dark hides the blush creeping up his neck. "I guess I fell asleep in my jeans and got too hot. I don’t really have pajamas or anything."

"Ah, yeah. I didn't think about that," Jonghyun says. His focus bounces between Jinki's face and the floor. Jinki doesn't need light to be able to tell that his cheeks are burning. "Do you want anything to wear?"

"I'll be fine, thanks." Jinki quickly lies down to cover himself back up with the blanket. The idea of getting to wear something Jonghyun owned sounds too enticing for him to feel right accepting, even if he would feel more comfortable with some kind of pajamas.

Jonghyun nods and shuffles off to the kitchen, still clearly embarrassed. The sound of him opening and closing cabinets is like gunshots in the tense silence, and Jinki stares unblinkingly at the ceiling, hyper aware of every movement Jonghyun makes. When he hears the pad of Jonghyun’s feet approaching him, he closes his eyes to seem asleep, reopening them only after he hears the clink of glass against the coffee table.

Jonghyun meets his eyes with a soft smile in the dark, and Jinki swallows, feeling a dozen hopes spark to life as the distance between them seems to shrink.

“Hyung?”

"I'm not sure you drank enough water to balance out all that alcohol," Jonghyun whispers. "I don't want you to end up with a hangover."

"Oh." Jinki smiles at his own stupidity, reaching out to take a drink from the glass. He must still be drunk, to be thinking there was a possibility of anything happening between them. "Thank you, hyung."

"Sure." Jonghyun ruffles his hair lightly. "Get some rest, Jinki."

"You too."  Jinki lays back down.

When he hears the door to Jonghyun's bedroom close again, he presses the heels of his hands against his eyelids, willing himself to forget the moment. The discomfort is distracting enough to pull him away from the rapid beat of his heart, but it's not enough to erase the image of Jonghyun in only a loose shirt and boxers from his mind. He hasn't seen Jonghyun without his glasses in ages, either, and that felt new too. It's not that Jonghyun looks better without them, but that it feels intimate now -- another part of Jonghyun dressing down at the end of the day, rather than dressing up to make a good first impression.

With a groan, Jinki rolls onto his side and forces himself to breathe slowly. He needs to calm himself down if he wants to get any sleep. The last thing he needs to think about is Jonghyun dressing down around him.