#this meant to be one paragraph but then the introspection got deep

[tomyo]

Admittedly there’s a struggle with making a whole “sub brand” of me becoming autobiographical comics. I struggle a bit in a few ways; one being that it can often feel like my stories are things my peers don’t want to hear and another being people not necessarily liking being a part of those stories. In general it can be hard to navigate between censoring yourself and being fully raw as there’s a fine line between something that will resonate and something that will become morbid. In a lot of my circles, My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness is basically this well loved narrative of Nagata Kabi being in some sense pathetic. To be clear I relate to that story so deeply on a personal level and I love its obsessive examinations on self but from the perspective of the people in her life, she was probably not well looked upon. And my frustration comes because I can see how people could read and love that and then turn around and not feel the same for me. It’s not as fun to know the artist personally, the magic of their narrative isn’t as infallible. I don’t even think I’m necessarily making stuff that’s going to grip people deeply, they’re just my experience and examinations on how I feel. But there are points where I want to be really honest on my suicidal feelings or negative emotions involving others and it’s like yeah that’s unpleasant. Healing often is unpleasant, not everyone is you life contributes towards that if not sometimes damages it unintentionally.

Part of me is hyper aware that it is trauma from art school. That it was this hell pit where I just felt like I didn’t have the secret ingredient. It was frustrating as hell, to watch my classmates get gushed over and praised while feeling like I was just 60%, something that was fine but not noteworthy. It can sound like I needed to be told I was special but it was more about watching classmates get away with things that you know if you tried or did similar you’d get chewed out for. I probably could have taken that easier if not it being a little depressing if it weren’t for DK literally being a god damned menace. Telling me to quit school, refocusing all my attempts to get proper feedback on how mentally unwell I was, ignoring if I showed up with fully new work for my thesis, saying in front of everyone he didn’t understand why I bothered to show up today, and goading others to give the critic because there was no point in him saying anything. That last one strikes something in me, the way it felt like standing next to my work with my back to the wall was when he wanted others to throw stones at me. It didn’t feel like he was asking others to give me input but to further push how worthless I was in his eyes. No one spoke while we sat in silence for a solid minute like they were children afraid to get caught in the crossfire (I don’t mean that in a way to insult them, I can’t think of a better analogy for keeping your head down to not get in trouble by proxy). I have been fucked up for years because of those 3ish months of my life. Knowing that something is wrong but all the efforts you make to talk to the system or your peers to change what everyone knew was a problem only led back to him finding out you snitched and him getting angrier and meaner towards you. And every week you end up displaying your progress next to the classmate with the special ingredient that makes him spend a whole hour of crit where it’s just praised only to give you less than a minute when he turns towards yours. Suddenly a “what I’m about just didn’t mesh well with the school environment but school isn’t life” becomes “You were just made not good enough if you never make good work and no one wants to believe in you”.

Even down to my emotional moments on my private accounts, my brain just grapples with “You look pathetic in their eyes”. The more I want to make less vague comics the more I think “they’ll resent you and tell you how awful it was for you to make these.”. And I juggle a lot on that, that sometimes that the “breakups” weren’t because I think the people where evil or even in the wrong but that I, a fucked up person, had to make less than stellar decisions to survive. When I tell my mum how I miss people I chose to stop talking to, she said that I was too extreme and even after taking that moment to finally tell her I was diagnosed with BPD I don’t think she fully connects that it was survival. That she would have either had a dead child if I kept trying to do things “the mature way” or I had to sever ties before I made them all reflect about it at a funeral. That yes I have an inclining that my brain is overclocking but it still stands that my self value will struggle if I’m in a friend group that made a big deal about every other person’s birthday but didn’t even remember mine for 5+ years or if another seems to give weird vibes if you’re around and you try to say it’s cool if you just don’t work with them anymore but are left between people who keep you around while partially annoyed that you still are. No one wanted to own any reflection on the dynamics I had with them and it felt like the idea that even partial responsibility was needed was a crime. It felt like the ideal solution for people was that I slowly faded out from vision and died quietly rather than have to confront any bad emotions.

No one wants to know about the noose in your room. The moment you force that knowledge upon them is a sudden burden they didn’t want. “It’s okay to tell us you’re depressed uwu* but don’t actually talk about the nasty parts because that’s you’re responsibility to deal with yourself far away from us and possibly without therapy because that can be inconvenient.” They don’t want to know about the noose because you shouldn’t have a noose to begin with, a noose is a symbol of something being wrong and possibly bearing others to be responsible for you. If there is no noose then nothing is ever wrong in their sphere and all the bad things belong to you alone. The noose forces them to have to think beyond that, why it exists, how to get rid of it, is it properly gone, will you use the noose? I’ve seen what happens after the noose, they cry, they feel all this responsibility that they didn’t take in preventing it, and they hate that there’s a loss they have to feel now. And after that, they still never want to know there’s a noose in your room.

Getting back in the rails rather than typing out what’s probably now its own comics in the works, it’s just….its just hard to think that when I do these things that it feels like others look down on me for it. In reality I have become thin skinned if not always have been so despite being someone more than willing to dish it out. I talk about how I intend to be a problem, worse™️, in my villain era this year. That medicating and trying to let it go felt more like desperately trying to ignore the problem until I purged the emotions in a less productive way. When I think about Bojack and Bad Damage, I couldn’t relate. Throwing all my struggles into comic pages, small narrative snippets, allegorical artwork has felt cathartic despite sometimes chaotic. It’s like untangling a thread by looming it into a tapestry. Vague uneasy feeling get filed away properly. But the flip side of it is how I know I’ll have to mask some my choices not to be chastised or given a speech how everyone always thinks they don’t need their medicine until they do. I am not doing it because I think I feel good enough without it, I want to take it to feel bad again. To feel like the pain that comes from working out the scaring in physical therapy, to let the emotions hit as raw and terrible as possible and not try to be delicate in the way I feel about them. It was a lie to say I want to loose weight it be healthy, I want to loose weight so I can be thin again because I know all the thin body fashion is eating at me and my boobs getting bigger makes me dysphoric. I want to get a good body in some sense of revenge. I want to sell successfully at cons because on one side it is fulfilling and community building but on the otherside I do like the idea that it puts me in a place of visible success with something that makes me happy. And at the same time in all the ways I’m doing the post breakup improvement rounds, I am also still so vulnerable that Olivia Rodrigo hits too good and I do download tinder when I’m close by enough because I miss them all that much. If I had it my way, truly truly truly my way, I want them to come find me and tell me that they miss me, that I did matter and that they’d be open to listening how I felt under appreciated and even thought that wasn’t their intent that they can recognize that it did trigger me into horrible places because BPD is specifically a personality disorder triggered by social dynamics. I wanted them to at least ask or be curious when I had first told them but it felt brushed off even when they said they didn’t know what it meant. I don’t want them to be persecuted or the bad guy but I want them to at least recognize some ownership over how they make me feel even if the end result is they can’t match my needs. I wanted them to miss me and want to put enough in to try and keep me in their lives. Part of all of this is almost certainly a cry for comfort, to see I’m here and still sad and here’s specifically how I felt sad and what helps me not be sad. And it’s delusional because a different part of me knows the call will never be answered, that I may get solace from strangers connecting to my art but colleagues who become resentful of the work.

I’m achy and overthinking it all because some recent stuff just wants to scoop out those more direct narratives about absolutely simping for someone who didn’t even acknowledge you as a viable partner and kept talking about other women as they were face first in you clevage BECAUSE ITS FUNNY. It’s funny that I knew the situation, I could see that it was a fools marathon and yet my undiagnosed ass still took the jog because what queer doesn’t jump into hilariously terrible romancing choices. I don’t think they’re bad for that situation, I think I’m a clown that put myself there in the first place and really just should’ve spoken up at some point rather than romanticize the idea of having a shojo style plot unravel over 50 excruciating chapters. It’s funny all the cringe narratives we form in our heads before they actually start. And I’m just scared no one else will see mine that way or that I’ll cross a boundary I didn’t notice in the pursuit of that.

Ultimately I think that’s what I have to get comfortable with, that being worse™️ for my own sake will likely kill reconciliation, that I think I’m going to burn bridges and loose friendships this year, that I might move forward rather than attempt the hard and long convo that was the other option. The question comes of when it’s okay to finally use what you had been bottling up for this, do you wait for people to be dead or long gone, for the road to fully get cut off before you talk about these things. And I think I am tired of civility that just makes me carry all of it in me. It’s the trauma I haven’t cleaned house on because removing it puts it out in the world. I still envy the people who have done it, who have partners willing to support being in that limelight with them, or how some seem to escape the recoil of throwing this type of stuff out there. I don’t feel like I’ve ever been given the grace to get those things and I just keep telling myself to get comfortable will that.

[getoutofbednelly]

so the most recent fics I’ve read on my kindle are the first two parts of the time has come today series by teen_dean (@urne-buriall on tumblr I think). and these are so good. I’ll elaborate more in my fic review but I am excited to share the cover I developed for my kindle collection because I really enjoyed going through different iterations of this cover. I’m just posting the cover I landed on for now, but I think I will share some of the other iterations which include design choices that I cut and edited at length(in another post or reblog later).

Fic review, cover design notes and a small disclaimer under the page break:)

fic review: I’m not always one to love casefics, watching cases passively on screen is one thing, but I can’t always immerse myself in a case to keep interest. I’m more one for character dynamics and the dynamics here are so interesting and introspective and funny I can’t get enough.

When it comes to the characterizations the author really nails it too. They are so close to canon that when I inevitably dissociate from atmospheric chemistry seminars and start thinking about supernatural, I can’t remember if something happened in their fic or on screen. I love these characters and teen_dean obviously does too because they treat their characterization so carefully. The cover I designed references scenery and plot points related to the case part of the fic, but I wish I could have incorporated the deep and thoughtful character analysis that is part of this fic.

And the imagery, particularly the west coast imagery, is. so. good. Very rarely am ever I struck with the desire to draw imagery described in writing, but it struck me at multiple times throughout this. most noteably the cas in the orchard paragraph highlighted in one of my pics towards the end of young hearts (will it be my first castiel fan art??? I certainly hope so.) chef’s kiss.

I really thought I would take a break after finishing young hearts, but I wasn’t ready to not know what happened to teen dean and past-cas in the next fic so I’m reading the rules of have changed today now and I have no regrets.

some notes on the cover design: I’m not sure this translates to the end result, but the glowing text of the title/author/everything-else was meant to represent the flickering lights of neon signage you might see in a dive bar. The description of Schaffer’s bar at the beginning and end of the first part is rich and another example of really capturing the feeling of canon (which I should mention is something the author does really well through scenery too). I don’t think I necessarily got the colors right (I initially imagined a larger color palette), but I’m feeling pretty good about the glowing aspect of it. In a print book format, I’d like all of the red to be metallic embossed.

Its very faint, but I included the silhouette of a mountainscape with silhouettes of dark watchers watching in the background. I think you have to zoom in to see them though. So I included a zoomed in image of two of the dark watchers. See if you can spot the other two!!

The last thing I wanted to mention is that I know arimaspians are typically one-eyed (on their heads). I took a creative liberty and put an eye on the hand.

lastly, a disclaimer: I know that teen_dean already has a cover and print typeset for their fic on their page. I just wanted to add my creative twist on it for my kindle collection and wanted to share it with you all :’). I should say explicitly that this was not designed in communication with the fic author. I do not take any credit for the fic (credit to the story goes to the author and characters to the cw). if teen_dean comes across this I especially hope they enjoy it<3, but if for any reason you (teen_dean/urne-buriall) don’t want to be associated with this cover, please contact me and I will take this down.

[isabellehemlock]

Sabbatical Reflections

For those who might have been around last summer, I shared that I was going on a personal sabbatical last year, and I wanted to share that it officially ended on Sunday.  I’ve spent quite a bit of time, especially in the last few weeks, in an introspective state as I contemplated a few statements: 

What did I learn?  How did I grow?

What did I shed?  What did I pick up?

What do I want to apply to irl, and/or fandom spaces moving forward?

And then in the last week I really hunkered down, typing out paragraphs after paragraphs, starting over no less than four times and even including quotes and graphics as I tried to piece together what I really wanted to convey to both loved ones and friends (I can’t even make this up: that doc is legit, 4.6k words holy heck) okrrr . . . so highlights:

But also quick trigger warnings for anyone reading: I can appreciate grief is a sensitive subject, and I promise no big details, outside of like “matter-of-fact” references to cause of death (but no descriptions, names, ages, etc), but yes, there are several references to loss in this post, as well as references to religion (vague) and medical conditions (again, vague).  Just wanted to provide a heads up, in case anyone would like to skip.

I shed forty hours a month of community volunteer work last fall.  Some roles I had picked up years and years ago, before various chronic health issues got worse, and new diagnosis’ were given to several family members.  One role, for example, was supposed to be annual, and I had been doing it for five years, so I was definitely overdue for a break and I was grateful that everyone was very understanding with worsening health issues that it sadly just wasn’t going to be an option for me in the foreseeable future to do scheduled, physical, activities on any kind of consistent basis.

Which meant I now had more free time to spend quality family time, as well as a more balanced half and half routine navigating the (now on average) 25 medical appointments a month our family has, with several creative outlets, and family time (yay!)

Made final promises in August, as a Lay Dominican after four and a half years of study (my religious name in the order is St. Mary Magdalene <3) 

Unfortunately a month into the sabbatical, we learned my mother needs a transplant - we did testing in January, and are getting a second opinion next week! (Feel free to send prayers!)

I opened up a small server space for myself and friends (it’s my happy place).

Joined a few fandom events that have been going well, and just adore helping bring someone's vision to life, and bonus if it's raising money for charity!

Saw my art in print for the very first time by getting to co-organize the @lmzine

Bought my first fandom merch!

Launched the @iwtvbigbang and am so grateful for a lovely mod team, and wonderful, creative participants ✨️

Made my first fandom merch sales (yes, plural!)

But also on an emotionally heavy note: in January, there was a criminal trial (more on that below), and a custody hearing trial in February (also more on that below) for our extended family.

And all in all, about a month’ worth of illness’, colds and viruses when you stack them all together over the months.

Some relationships shifted and I had a better understanding about myself and the lessons I learned along the way.

Though I’ll talk about it more in a week, I hope to expand my art even more this year, but details to follow 😎

So basically, NO BORING moments, that’s for sure! 😅

Okay but what did I take away from all this?  What did I learn, and want to apply to my future?

I know I have been very intentional when it comes to my relationships.  And what I mean by that is to essentially not do anything half assed lol.  I jump in, and want to treasure what I have in front of me while it’s there - I feel the impermanence of time on a deep, core level, and that’s because of both my own chronic health issues, as well as several losses.  Time is a gift.  

For example - summer, especially August is a hard time in our household, because of several grief anniversaries: 

August 2003 - my father had his TBI

August 2010 - a friend from high school got in a car accident, was in a coma for several months before passing away

August 2011 - a family member died by suicide

August 2011 - though we wouldn’t know it until September, our first baby died during the first trimester

July 2018 - a family member was murdered - the killer accepted, then refuted several plea deals, and his trial was this January, he received 45 years.  This family member’s child has been living with his grandparents ever since, and officially, permanent custody has been transferred to them as of February, much to everyone’s joy.

And that’s just the grief aspect, that’s not even going into other kinds of personal trauma - oof.  But hopefully that helps provide some context as to why I really, really, really like to convey how I feel about people while I have them in front of me.  I mean it sincerely, but can appreciate if some might be weary and wonder if it’s love bombing :p  Nah - I just value it while I got it, and try to show my appreciation while I can <3

I have a lot of love to give, and I want to ensure that the people I care about know it, too, regardless of how short or long we are in each other’s lives.  We don’t own one another, we aren’t guaranteed tomorrow, and hey, if the vibes don’t match, that’s alright - life’s too short!  Aging is a privilege we don’t all get!  Let’s make the most of it with the people we do vibe with, who bring us joy in their own unique ways.  No one person can be the person for us, and in a way, that’s because we have to stop treating each other like we need each other to be complete.  

You are a complete and wonderful soul all on your own - the people in your life should be the ones who want you in theirs, who you want in yours, because of joy and happiness and fun and good times and compassion and empathy and authenticity and vulnerability.  I hope you find the people who root for you and your individual growth, who encourage you along the way, and you do the same for them.

So what does this mean for me as I apply the word “intention” further down the line?

As I’ve shared, I’ve done fairly well with labeling my intentions right away, what I’m here for in online spaces - community and connection - what I enjoy (a sort of reverse DNI if you will lol) - core parts of myself (which isn’t to limit who I engage with, but to be honest and forthcoming, to spark that conversation and see if there’s overlap between us, if there’s things we both might enjoy as we move forward and explore friendships - I love meeting people I might not have otherwise met from all across the world, and am so grateful for them and their ability to help expand my perspectives).  And I can honestly say there’s a chunk of friends I’ve maintained years’ worth of friendships with where we haven’t read, reblogged, or commented on each other’s creations lol, or ones I talk to about irl stuff vs fandom, or ones where we enjoy events together, etc etc, it’s a big ol variety and I love that!

But as I shed things, as I carefully calculated my time and energy and reflected on how I spent it before my sabbatical and during, I realized I need to also apply that word “intention” to myself and my time and efforts.  Especially in situations where I come to learn someone doesn’t have the same intentions as I do.  It’s important for my own mental health not to outright dismiss the impact hurtful words and comments might have on me, but it’s equally important for me to embrace that I am worth more than spending my precious time and energy proving I am a good person to some people who have developed a derogatory narrative in their minds based on false assumptions.  I’m just going to keep on shining where I can, take it or leave it, but negative commentary (especially when I ask for clarification in a gentle, genuinely curious kind of way to encourage open dialogue, only to be met with dismissive, or even negative justifications) is the quickest way for me to be done.  

I don’t do subtext.  I don’t do name calling.  No longer asking for permission to exist in a public space with anyone (because that only implies it was up to someone else to decide where I am allowed to be in the first place).  Fuck that noise.  

Sure, in shared spaces, there’s pre-agreed upon rules - basic civility, kindness, and compromises made along the way like in any relationship to ensure not a single solitary vision pummels over decent people.  We all got our social contracts, and I’m just as accountable as the next person.  No one is above, or below, anyone else - equality for all, including myself.  It is not my role in life to be the emotional punching bag for anyone to learn how to practice communicating when they don’t know how to regulate their own emotions first.  Just because I have de-escalating training does not mean that I should have to apply it online, for free, in fandom spaces, meant to enrich my life in social and creative ways.      

I’m gonna herp derp in my corner, enjoying some crack humor, and PG level of chaos. 

I’m gonna draw everything from niche art, to NSFW art, to religious art.

I’m gonna encourage events where people from all over can gather together and root for each other’s creativity.  I'm gonna participate in ones where I help bring someone's vision to life in collaborative efforts that hopefully help someone feel seen and heard and brings joy.

I’m gonna do everything I can to participate, create, and nurture spaces where the weirdo besties assemble.  Where cringe culture is dead.  Where being different isn’t a justification for being othered, but in fact, something to cheer on.  

And that’s what I’ve learned in my sabbatical: that my intentions are deeper than I realized, and that my time and efforts are of value, too.  That I will continue to pour into the relationships where it is reciprocated to the best of the other person's ability.  I’m going to intentionally invest my time and energy into the people who want that out of their fandom spaces, too. 

But the rest?  The rest is just noise that was never meant for me in the first place.  Wish the stranger on the internet well, and move forward with the people who want to invest intentionally with me, too <3

For those who have helped me better understand this about myself along the way, thank you.

[justjahthings]

SONG ASSOCIATION: Expressing the Inexpressible, Indefinable Introspection An Essay by Janice N. Vergara

When we came into existence, we were like an empty canvas waiting to be painted on. The very first artists to influence us were our parents. For the lucky ones, they were painted with love, care & inspiration -- like Murakami's Flower Matango painting. But for some, we could only imagine. As time passes, several other artists would come and go, leaving a trail of paint behind. The once empty canvas is now a combination of red, yellow, blue, and green. We are all artists with different canvases. Some plain and simple, some deep and vague, some still blank, waiting to be painted, and some are lost somewhere in the corner of an abandoned art room. This will aid in understanding the anthology, "Expressing the Inexpressible, Indefinable Introspection".

The first part of the anthology, Prelude to Cognitive Dissonance, got me on a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Reading it made me feel like I am all alone, eyes blindfolded, sitting on a steel chair inside a dark, empty room. With each paragraph, a different kind of presence would approach me, and different voices would whisper in my ear in circles before finally disappearing like a ripple. Leaving me with the emotions from their words; Anger. Woe. Love. It reminded me of the song Conduit by Knuckle Puck, because the lyrics refer to how someone pretends to be somebody else. Sometimes we do things that we know we shouldn't be doing, and it's hard to stop because we don't have the will to do so.

Moving on to the second part, “Life, in Numbers”, I felt like I was with Alec throughout her journey in life. From the time she remembers how she slept beside her mama, her childhood, up to her adult years. It also made me sad after I found out what happened to her at a jamboree. The struggle of not being able to tell anyone after being sexually harassed, and the trauma she had to carry throughout the years. But even though she has her struggles, that doesn’t stop her from persisting in her life. What she shared reminds me of the song Perfect by Simple Plan where Pierre Bouvier’s “Hey Dad look at me…” “...Did I grow up according to plan?” sounds like Alec questioning her deceased dad after she realized that she is wasting her time trying to be happy. But, in order to be happy, you just have to do the things you love and enjoy them without being pressured.

Moving on to the third part, “A Piece of His Loving Memory”, at first, I was really confused about what this poem was trying to deliver because of how it was written. Turns out, this is a Concrete poem. Going back, As I continue to read, I’m starting to realize that Ralph is actually pertaining to the death of his father. As soon as I concluded that it’s about his father, my mind began to think about Luther Vandross’ Dance With My Father . It talks about nothing but Luther’s happy childhood memories of growing up with his father and how he wished he could relive those happy moments once again. It may not be relatable to me because my dad’s still alive and well, but it saddens me whenever I close my eyes and think about the feeling of not being able to hold him physically again, forever.

Moving on to the fourth part, “A Graph of One-Sided Limit”. The moment I read this poem of Chris, the time I knew that this would really hit me hard. It’s like Chris wrote this for me. “This love is my love alone…” reminds me of Sam Smith’s Not In That Way when he said, “And I hate to say I want you when you make it so clear you don’t want me…” The feeling of your love not being reciprocated. Well, some things are just never meant to be, no matter how much we wish they were.

Moving on to the fifth part, “INRI (Don’t Stop; Keep Going)”. The part of the poem where it’s asking me to read from bottom to top got me confused. But after repeating it several times and placing my foot in the situation, I realized that it might be a dying person. It’s like the song Cancer by My Chemical Romance. I feel like both Gerard Way and Ian are facing the same situation. The line in the poem “With the Idea I was running out of time, I saw you from afar; alone, broken, bleeding, dying;” “...My hours turn into minutes, then lesser, and lesser.” is a bit similar to the lyrics “Baby I’m just soggy from the chemo” “But counting down the days to go” “...Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you”. It hurts knowing that you won’t be able to spend the rest of your life with someone you love because of the short lifespan left to you.

Moving on to the sixth part, “A Sage in Every Inscription”, this gives me a thought that the persona is dreaming and fantasizing about the person she likes. It’s like she can do everything for that hopeless love. But later on, she realized that it’s just a complete obsession, which she finally learned to let go. It reminds me of that lyric in Frank Ocean’s song Bad Religion, “I can never make him love me love me love me…” Being in a hopeless romantic is hard, all you can do is a dream and fantasize about being with that person but in reality, it’s all just an illusion.

Moving on to the seventh part, “To the Little Prince”. It’s all about realizing your worth and being free from a toxic relationship. The lyrics from Rihanna’s Take a Bow, “But you put on quite a show, you really had me going now it’s time to go curtain’s finally closing” is what this poem reminds me of. It’s hard to let go of something you truly cherish, but if it’s for your own good, then it will all be worth it.

Moving on to the eighth part, “Wet Dream”. It’s very obvious what this poem is trying to imply. Sexual desire. The way the author explains everything that it now seems as his guilty pleasure. The song Need You Tonight by INXS is what I automatically think of as soon as I finish the poem. Well, everybody has sexual desires which turn into something especially when you’re with someone.

Moving on to the ninth part, “A Call for A Change”. I know every student, even I, could relate to this piece of art. It clearly states how the student is being pressured by the education system. Not everyone has the same intelligence, and not everyone is a fast learner. “Dr. Mr. X,…” we don’t know who among his teachers he is calling to. “You kept repeating no child would be left behind, but you kept giving grades lower than zero.” “You have totally forgotten that no child exists perfectly in all of your conditions.” It’s just sad how these lines perfectly state up what students really want to say. But despite all of this, we can’t do anything because this is how our education system really is. The song The Climb by Miley Cyrus is what makes me think of this poem. With the lyrics, “The struggles I'm facing” “The chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down, but…” “No, I'm not breaking”. Because whatever struggles you are facing, you should fight and never give up. Education plays an important role in our society, which is the key to success for our future. And just like the line in this poem, “We are shaped and developed not based on our abilities, but based on society's”. And I… am also calling for a change.

Moving on to the tenth part, “Because You Are Immortalized”. The poem with the most positive kind I have read so far. I felt like this was intended to comfort her. Just like when you are in front of a mirror, saying all the good things because who would want to make yourself down right? The song Brave by Sara Bareilles is the one that reminds me of when I read this poem. “You can be amazing” “Say what you wanna say…” “...Honestly I wanna see you be brave”

Lastly, “A Letter to The Reader''. This really got me emotional. I wouldn't have thought that this is all in one author’s mind. Depression is a serious matter and shouldn’t be ignored. Xxxtentacion’s Sad! reminds me of this part. “Who am I? Someone that’s afraid to let go”. Someone who’s going through this should have at least one person who they can lean on, someone who can make them realize that they have a purpose in this world, and the one that reminds them that death is not the only option.

Here I am to begin the conclusion of this anthology. I can say that it’s like riding a roller coaster. The twist and the turns of everything inside of this. But if you would deeply understand what the author was really trying to say you would know and understand. It’s hard when you are going through something and you don’t know what to do and who you should be talking to because not everyone is really a listener. So, If you know someone going through something like this, make them be heard and don’t make them feel that they’re alone in this world.

[bladekindeyewear]

Bloggin’ thru new Homestuck^2 bonus, The Influencers part 2.  Kinda got my gears ground during part 1, but that largely wasn’t this sideplot’s fault, so I should still be able to enjoy it.

Reminder, bonus update blogging is always light on detail because I don’t wanna spoil all the paid content, but I’ll give the gist of my reactions and go into anything plot or character related that helps understand the main story, as well as giving you a real top-down view of “what happens” so you know what it’s about and whether or not to invest in looking yourself.  (And I don’t necessarily have to give you anything that isn’t main-plot-relevant.)

So where are they going to follow the main party?  They shouldn’t need to record the funeral I’d assume, because that already would have been televised (and awful for Jane’s PR)...  *click*

9/28/2020 - The Influencers, Part 2

TEACHER: Time’s a-ticking. TEACHER: The next plot point is yours to change, if you want it. Don’t you feel it calling to you?

Yeah, just hanging a lampshade on this whole parallel sideplot I guess.

> (==>)

Whatever it is, Imode feels it. A tiny string of relevance spooling out from their belly. They want to follow it.

That’s pretty Lighty and/or Seery.  I’ve used that terminology to describe the pull of Light and its “relevance” connotations even since the only fanfic I’ve ever written, back in 2011 during Homestuck’s run, and it’s obvious enough terminology that I think Rose later mentioned it somewhere like in the Epilogues.  Are these three kids perhaps going to get a fourth, and become their own session by the end of this like Harry, Vrissy, Tavros and Yiffy might?

They can’t stop picturing their friend, Harry Anderson, arrested or tortured or worse. They’re not sure what there is to be done to stop this chain of events, but they’re sure as shit gonna find out.

(”They” is almost certainly referring to Imode here, not all three, since Imode uses they/them.)

Alright, self-aggrandizing used for good.  Show off the sort of thing that Vriska could have accomplished if she actually used her talents for her team for once.  (Besides, like, the similar thing she did just recently by making a scene.)

> (==>)

Imode is the first to choose pursuing this path over bootlicking, and the others are sure to follow.

> (==>)

Yup, Avril and Silas follow.  (Had to be reminded of ALL of their names, it’s been months since their single named appearance.)

> (==>)

Crockercopters overhead but none taking note yet, just ominous setdressing

> (==>)

IMODE: lemme take a ⏱️ to 😮‍💨 before we figure out where to go next. AVRIL: wait don't you know? IMODE: Huh? AVRIL: we were following YOU this whole time.

Oh, that answers the first question I asked.  They have NO clue where they’re going.  Let’s see if they luck out and find the clock tower.

IMODE: You 👂 what he said about the next step 📞 to us, same as i did. Don't you feel it pulling at you?

Literal pull? Powers? Future player?  --All baseless speculation of course.

SILAS: Woah are you seein’ this.

Vriska’s probably putting on her very public display now.  (This is a bonus so I’m skipping lots of banter and arguing.)

> (==>)

Oh, they just saw John flying up to the clock tower in his outfit.  And catching sight of him fly is rare celebrity gossip stuff so of course it’d stand out to them, apparently.  (Only one of them is athletic apparently, the other two are groaning at the prospect of more running.)

> (==>)

Avril always enjoys running, but there’s something else thumping along to the rhythm of the thuds of his feet and beat of his heart. He’d thought Imode was nuts for feeling it just a minute prior, but now he’s realized he isn’t deadweight, that he hasn’t fucked up someone’s life irrevocably, and it pushes him faster and faster as he tears ass toward the belltower.

(Did we know Avril was he/him before this?  Probably but if so I forgot.)

Okay, since we’re getting glimpses into each of their headspaces narratively that BOTH have had some oblique aspect references, I have to at least OPERATE on a guessy assumption that there’s a sort of classpect-for-each-of-them thing going here.

I’ve quoted both those whole paragraphs here... so what do I see?  This is going to be a bit tougher because I don’t care as much to remember these characters...

Imode had some Lighty-or-Seery language, and then could not stop picturing bad things happening to Harry, wanting to avert that chain of events.  So something of a Seer or Mage would make sense.  But given how easily Lighty stuff and the Understanding classes (or at least what we think those are) can be conflated, Mage of Light seems a bit of a premature jump.  Heck, I’m only saying Mage because a Seer of Light already occupies a starring role, and because her first act on that feeling was to jump after it herself and tell the others:

IMODE: Stay here and 👢👅 your way into fame if that's what you really want. IMODE: I’m ✈️. Follow me if you’re not 🐔💩.

--leading by example rather than directing the others into battle.  Only half-caring if they followed, willing to pursue it herself if necessary.  So, potentially more “Active”.

As for Avril... the word “heart” is mentioned there, sure, but the full context is “there’s something else thumping along to the rhythm of the thuds of his feet and beat of his heart”.  I’m inclined to think that the rhythm/beat references, especially the even footsteps and heartbeats hitting like a metronome, might be more tied to Time?  But if so, I don’t see anything class-related.  (Could also be Blood, and him thinking of what he owes in the last sentences could be reinforcing that?  Big question marks for now.)

> (==>)

Door to the belltower’s locked.  The kids figure John’s forgotten that his son can’t fly.

AVRIL: this is it, this is the thing we can help with! #feelinit #vibes IMODE: OK I'm excited that you believe me now, but what are you gonna even do? IMODE: use your big all-star 💪 to break down the 🚪?

--so they think they can “resolve a missing plot point” by getting the way into the clock tower open?  Is this going to be a theme or running joke of the Influencers sideplot, showing plotholes resolved in bonus content like how we finally saw how Gamzee’s body was relocated last time?  When I was explicitly mad about that?  (This seems like a much smaller one though.)

Apparently in HS^2 proper they remarked that the door SHOULD be locked, but Vriska just opened it anyway and wasn’t surprised it was unlocked, which she would’ve ascribed to her luck -- how the universe just makes way for her.  (And we’re literally seeing HOW the “universe” “made way” for her this way, through these Influencer kids.  Even though Vriska could have broken down the door in a second and it’s practically meaningless.)

> (==>)

Avril just has the key!

AVRIL: so like my photoshoots are like, #modernfashion #myworkout #urbexp IMODE: Yea, your 📸 are why we’re all in this mess. We know. Get to it. AVRIL: fair. ok well this is the urban exploration part. AVRIL: a lot of the public infrastructure buildings in the kingdom have the same weird, shitty deadbolts on them. AVRIL: its like they were mass-produced for ease of access or something. AVRIL: none of the deep crockergov stuff, but a lot of the kingdom maintenance buildings. AVRIL: so once you swipe one key, you got access to it all. AVRIL: that’s how i get a lot of my hard-to-get shots #tradesecrets #tellnoone

Hhhmmmmm.  So what does this tell us about his potential role?  Getting places you’re not supposed to is associated with the Thief, Rogue, Bard, and sometimes Knight classes... as well as the Time/Space aspects, or the Void and Breath aspects.  A Thief or Rogue of Time could do the trick, and fit with the rhythm paragraph earlier... whereas Space doesn’t have the same rhythm associations even if it is “places” he’s getting into for these shots.  And photography, snapshots still in time, is something Dave was also explicitly into.  Plus, this exploit he’s showcasing is specifically for older buildings, playing into history/archaeology from an urban perspective.

So, Time is looking like a safer and safer bet for him.

> (==>)

lock click

> (==>)

long-hair swoop, cheer

SILAS: Yeah, I’m tickled a near-disproportionate amount by the unlockin’ of a door, so I’m inclined to believe you were onto somethin’.

Still no real hints about Silas, yet.

AVRIL: ok so. we did it, right? #missioncomplete AVRIL: feels a little anticlimactic #tbh IMODE: idk, I think so? whatever I was feeling doesn't seem so immediate anymore. IMODE: I wonder if-

Okay, that’s some near-confirmation that Imode was LITERALLY FEELING the plot or some such.  We’ll probably end the Influencers sidestory eventually with at least solid GUESSES blatantly obvious for their potential Hero Roles or the like.

> (==>)

Ah, Vriska and the kids are coming-- and we get the Silas paragraph(s)!  Silas is green-themed with green text, and a session with a Time player has a good chance of having a Space player too, so let’s see if...

Silas doesn’t know what being spotted by the other kids might mean, metaphysically or logistically or legally. She’s not particularly pressed by that sort of thing. But this is a day that’s come with more introspecting than she’s used to having to endure in a year, so she's ready to get moving before it becomes an issue.

As Harry Anderson, Vrissy, Vriska, and Tavros proceed to have this conversation, Silas pushes to catch up with Avril’s pace. She’s not sure where they’re headed, and has no clue what all this means for her. She knows the step she’s taken isn’t one she’ll be able to backtrack from, but she’ll figure that out tomorrow. For now, one foot in front of the other.

That...

I mean there’s a lot of talk of time-FRAMES, from a lazy perspective, but just-pushing-forward-in-the-here-and-now is reasonably Spacey? ...hm.  I was excited for the Silas paragraph(s) but I don’t see any immediately-apparent pattern meant for us to discern classpect info here.  Maybe a female Page example (since we could use one), propelled along by events without knowing what’s going on at first, too early in her journey to have taken more than her first step up the gradual incline of her long-term potential?

I really don’t know I guess.

Anyway, that’s the end of the bonus upd8!  See ya in a while.

[veroticker]

Playing at love - Lara Ward Cosio

Summary (from Lara Ward Cosio’s website)

Conor Quinn and Gavin McManus are mired deep in the wreckage of a betrayal that has damaged their friendship, ended Gavin’s marriage, and threatens to break up their band.

Conor’s shaken by the mess he’s made and no longer trusts his heart. Book smart but love dumb, he decides acting with more calculation in matters of the heart is the key to moving forward. He starts by wooing back his ex, Colette, and quickly ends up engaged—and in over his head.

When Conor’s old schoolmate, Felicity, unexpectedly returns to his world, he gravitates with increasing frequency toward their renewed friendship. Harmless flirting soon turns into real temptation and suddenly Conor’s questioning whether his impetuous reunion with Colette means he’s missed his chance with the right woman.

Felicity is still stinging from a brutal divorce and wary of her old friend’s rock star ways. She wants stability, not the boy who ran off to join the rock circus and never had a proper job or responsibilities. But that doesn’t mean she’s immune to his charms.

At the same time, wounded, passionate singer Gavin has a song-writing epiphany that convinces him he can't stay stuck in the past. And he knows what matters most is his wife, since he refuses to believe their love story is over.

As Conor’s wedding rapidly approaches and Gavin attempts to reunite with his wife, both men must also find a way to keep their band together as they strive and stumble toward something resembling redemption—with each other and with the women they’re meant to be with.

Blurb

“This moment was two months in the making. Sixty-three days, to be precise, in which Conor Quinn was mired in the wretched, sinking feeling that came with knowing he had hurt his friend as deeply as one could. And so now he greeted that friend, Gavin McManus, at the front door of his house, eager to ignore the fact that he was more than a half hour late.

Hope was plain on Conor’s face as he watched Gavin, willing him to show some sign that all would be well. But it seemed they had exchanged personalities on this occasion. Gavin was self-contained, cool, and impassive, while Conor couldn’t suppress his emotions, looking to the other man with uncharacteristic neediness.

With eyes averted and a barely perceptible nod, Gavin brushed past Conor to make his way straight through the house and out the back to the studio.

“Happy New Year, yeah?” Conor called after him.

They were headed into the third week of January and hadn’t spent any of the holidays together as they had in years past. A recent falling-out meant their friendship had suffered, but so too had the band they started together over a dozen years ago. One couldn’t exist without the other.

This reunion—such as it was—had been orchestrated by an unlikely source. Conor had just returned from a quick trip to New York City when he got a phone call from Shay, their drummer, to say Gavin was ready to get back with the band to work on new music. The news was a happy surprise, as his weekly calls to Gavin over the last couple months had been routinely ignored. Now Shay was playing the role of intermediary, which while helpful, was also completely foreign.

As the lead guitarist of the popular Irish rock band Rogue, Conor had used his striking good looks, natural talent, and confidence to create an iconic image that transcended the music industry. Respected by his peers, he was also a paparazzi favorite, garnering attention for his dating life rather the kind of scandals Gavin had generated. His charm and status meant others clamored for his attention, but his loner tendencies made him highly selective with friendships. He and Gavin had been the best of friends for over two decades until everything imploded.

Taking a deep, fortifying breath, Conor nodded to himself. Gavin was here now, which meant he was open to working with the band. If they could rekindle their writing partnership, there might be a way to also rebuild their friendship.”

(review under the cut)

Review

(audiobook) I enjoyed the story of this second installment more than I enjoyed the first. It deals with the aftermath of Sophie and Conor’s betrayal, and I loved to watched how they repair their relationships. But this book has the same problems as the first one.

The descriptions are too many, too long, too unnecessary, and most of the time badly written. It made me get out of the story. I’m pretty sure if I had read it instead of listening to it, I’d have skipped two dozen paragraphs at least.

And the filler! Why repeating and repeating and repeating again things we already read about? I should have counted how many Sophie’s introspections about her relationship with Conor were into the book, just so you could get a feel of it.

This time, we have many point of views, but you can easily picked out who’s the narrator every chapter. It could have helped, though, if the actual narrator--of the audiobook--had had more various voices for the characters. But, at the same time, since the writer herself hasn’t written their voices differently...

As for the narrator, I suppose I got used to his accents, and it was easier to understand every word.

I’m pretty sure I’ll read the rest of the series--even though this installment could have been the end--because I want to read more about the characters, but it may be in spite of the author...

Quickie

Series: Rogue series #2 (no cliffhanger per say, but the story pans over the whole series, each book about one of the members of the band but directly following the previous one)

Hashtags: #rock star romance #second chance #cheating #childhood friends

Triggers: drug abuse and miscarriage (not related)

Main couple: Felicity McAllister & Conor Quinn

Hotness: 3/5

Romance: 4/5

+ more cheating, yay!

- tedious descriptions and multiple repetitions of the same moments

Stalker mode

You can suscribe to Lara Ward Cosio’s newsletter on her website.

You can also follow her on Facebook.

[naruhearts]

OKAY SO I've just spent the best part of an hour scrolling through your blog and reading a bunch of your destiel meta and I HAD to message you... I was one of the many people who STRONGLY believed destiel had a chance of being canon after season 8 (more like season gr8 am i right), but throughout the years I slowly lost all hope. However, S14 has made me 110% invested in the show again and YOUR META IS GIVING ME HOPE FOR DESTIEL, which is TERRIFYING. Your writing is wonderful and I'm STRESSED.

Got back from Washington late last night!

Oh my gosh @alovelikecas, your message really made my day and I’m SO glad you enjoy my meta xox (even when most of my meta looks like, to me, sloppy-ass writing, haha! I’ll probably make an end-season meta post after 14x20 — if I have the time — that touches upon SPN’s current and repeating themes since Season New Beginnings S12/Dabb Era, not to mention I have, like, some more unfinished meta in my drafts >.>)

Yeah I mean, I didn’t join Destiel land until Summer 2016, and before that, I was late to the Season 11 party, so I basically had no narrative context for anything, and I’ll copy-paste what I said here: 

Looking back, one significant thing I recall? S11 gave me a sense of Destiel’s true narrative validity (as not a ‘fanon’ ship but organically developed in the canon) when I perceived it as a season that was ‘missing something’. Keep in mind I had no idea about Destiel yet while watching S11 at the time.

I was literally asking myself — repeatedly — why Dean/Amara seemed to contain odd narrative holes, considering A. Dean explicitly said that the non-consensual attraction he felt for Amara was NOT love and “it scares him”, B. Amara told Dean that ‘something stops you - keeps you from having it all’, C. Djinn!Amara stated that she can: ‘feel the love [Dean] feels, except it’s cloaked in shame,’ and D. Mildred’s iconic ‘You’re pining for someone’ —> which did not logically correlate with A and C, meaning: since Dean doesn’t freely love Amara and thus isn’t possibly pining for her — with female love interests as currently non-existent (I remember crossing off the dead/gone girls on a piece of paper lol) — who the hell was he pining for, then?

Originally posted by elizabethrobertajones

Obviously, without writing long-ass paragraphs of meta about it again in this post, S11 made sense as soon as I watched it within the Destiel context (especially after I read up on some grandiose pieces of Destiel meta (@charlie-minion was the very first person who inspired me to write meta; I followed her once I joined the fandom Oh my god, here we go, holy crap this subtext – I’m invested in this godforsaken ship because they’re in love with each other and I’m not getting off any time soon. The rest is history.

I’m aware that I do come off as positive (and I’m still Destiel-positive; whatever happens in 14x20 this week may or may not change that), but I hope you don’t mind if I use your lovely ask as an additional opportunity to clarify my meta standpoint: no one’s saying Destiel WILL become text. 

The general Destiel meta community (all subfactions: Destiel-positive, -negative, -neutral, and in-between) is not the Most Holy Canon Word, and we aren’t SPN writers, and again, we can’t actually speak to the veracity of Destiel as guaranteed-gonna-go-textual, but we — a diverse pool of critical thinkers from all walks of life: particularly those who have some degree of experience in literary academia/English literature studies (fun fact: I was actually pursuing a Minor’s in English until I changed my mind - my first love’s Health Science/Biology, which I stuck with, but here I am doing lit-crit analysis on the side *wink*) — can speak to the veracity of Destiel as a real, palpable, and ever-substantial long-running romance narrative aka the love story between Dean and Cas IS THERE. I see it. We all see it. We didn’t pluck it out of the random ether one day. It naturally evolved across the show’s overarching narrative like some vast spiderweb, linked together by numerous character arc amalgamations of Dean Winchester and Castiel as separate individuals who were then brought together — who brought themselves together, by the sheer force of free will and choice — and are now inherent parts of the other’s story (and respective character progression).

I say this too many times to count: the entire point of writing meta? Personally, it enables me to appreciate the literary gorgeousness of Dean and Cas’ relationship as, first and foremost, a tentative alliance offset by the very moment Cas raised Dean from perdition (it’s a poetic beginning). Their alliance then inevitably proliferated into a rocky — at times, necessarily turbulent — friendship, then a deep profound bond…one that crossed platonic boundaries since S7/8 and is, ultimately, indelibly rooted in romance. Together, Dean and Cas build up each other’s strengths, complement each other’s flaws, and narratively motivate the other to self-introspect — to become the best version of themselves that they were always meant to be: self-actualized entities who let go of their painful, horrifying, psychologically/emotionally destitute pasts.

These above reasons and more are why I think Destiel belongs right up there on the shelf of Ye Olde Classics, similar to epics by John Milton, Shakespearian tragic dramas, Homeric characteristic cruxes, and the great Odyssey journey: a legendary journey, fraught with circumstance, that finally ended with Odysseus (now an enlightened man) returning to Penelope, the love of his life.

Channeling the scope of Homer’s Odyssey, Destiel is an incredible storytelling feat of obstacles, both internal and external, romance tropes, mirroring, foreshadowing, and visual cadence/emotion, enhancing SPN’s already character-driven main plot in that Dean and Cas try to make it back to one another; like Penelope, their love holds true despite everything. If Destiel were an M/F couple, we all know their love story would be absolutely undeniable to the GA.

I do understand the bitterness S14’s fostered in some viewers, though. I do understand that Dean and Cas seem distant (and yeah, it’s a noticeable difference compared to S12/S13), but I believe the Destiel subtext is still heavy and holds steady.

Right now, at this point, there remains multiple personal issues for the characters to solve, you know? Dean and Cas aren’t talking properly; their love languages stay mistranslated, although we’re persistently shown that they still understand each other on a certain level that no one else can, and the visual narrative keeps framing them as on-the-nose solid counterparts: a domestic-spousal romantic unit independent of Sam.

Originally posted by incatastrophicmind

They want to be there for the other. They need to quash the final remnants of their respective internal loathing (Dean’s self-worthiness, Cas’ self-expendability) before they’re able to give the other 100% of their time, efforts, attention, and love (as flawed and complicated but compellingly beautiful as it can possibly be). During the times Dean and Cas do try to talk shit out, extraneous issues continue to get between them.

As other friends/meta pals discussed with me, S14 is like S10 in that it’s confusing the cast/audiences. And exactly: S8, besides S11/S12/early S13, also belongs in the close-to-canon serious Destiel narrative transition! I can discuss the showrunning/writer problem of SBL (Singer + Bucklemming; @occamshipper hits the nail on the head) that tugs subtext – especially subtext linked to Destiel – back and forth, sometimes in the weirdest nonsensical ways, but I won’t go too far into it here. I agree, however, with the recent idea that Jensen does seem a bit confused as to where he should bring Dean emotionally this season (don’t get me wrong, I do NOT believe Dean is OOC; OOC is a completely different concept vs expected character behaviour). And if Dean’s consistently romance-coded past interactions with Cas are any indication, Jensen would also — in the same vein as all of us — want Dean and Cas to start getting their shit together. Long-running fictional characters like Dean and Cas, conceived over 10 years, are so well-written to the point where you, the author, can predict what they’ll do even if you just plop both of them inside a room and give them no direction, and I personally feel that nowadays Jensen is prevented from achieving Dean’s further internal growth/unsure how to act in the moment because of some dumb SBL scripts saying one thing while his character’s heart says another. Wank aside—

Season 15 should hopefully convey a much more logical subtextual perspective e.g. unbelievably amazingly cohesive Season Destiel 11 that aired after choppy S10. Not all hope is lost!! I also want to clarify that I personally LOVED Season 14 in general. It’s been mostly Emotion-centric constant, with Yockey, Berens, Perez, and Dabb usually making my top-rank SPN writer list.

Currently the narrative’s still allowing pretty significant (imho) wiggle room for the lovers to fracture apart and get back together, where their miscommunication comes to a dramatic head. We just saw Dean and Cas argue over Jack’s well-being in 14x18 and 19. Dean — besides putting Cas at the top of his You’re-Dead-to-Me-Because-You-Lied-but-I-Still-Love-You-Goddammit hitlist (for clear spousal-coded reasons) and taking Cas’ actions to heart (he’s the person he trusted the most who lied to him) — no doubt blamed himself for what happened, and Sam was, like I said, the mouthpiece of truth. TFW were all culpable. They all failed Jack in some way, shape, or form.

I’m not expecting anything for 14x20, but I’m nervous either way! Thanks for sticking with my long answer

[wellesleyunderground]

WU Reviews: Laura Staffaroni '10 (@laurastaffaroni) Reviews Vow of Celibacy by Erin Judge '02 (@erinjudge)

(Source)

The first time I encountered the work of Erin Judge was in the autumn of 2012, as a guest on the “Hang Out With Me” comedy podcast. Through her recurring appearances on this podcast, I got to “know” her as a fierce and funny person and comedian. And then one day, after listening to a podcast episode where she discussed her debut novel, I saw a post on a Wellesley Facebook group by someone named Erin Judge about her upcoming book, Vow of Celibacy. After reading the post, I realized it was the same person I’d been listening to for years and had that familiar “Oh. Of COURSE she went to Wellesley” moment.

Because I generally like the tragicomic memoir genre, especially if the book is by someone whom I already know is funny, I acquired and read a copy of Vow of Celibacy in short order. This book is not a memoir or the typical “comedian does comedy, is funny, writes book about her own life” kind of thing that I was expecting (based on my own preconception that a book by a comedian must be about the comedian’s life). Instead, it is a novel, as is hinted by the words, “A Novel by Erin Judge” on the front cover (A+ attention to detail, self).

The novel’s protagonist, Natalie, has signed a vow of celibacy so that she can focus on sorting through her past sexual-romantic experiences. The book goes back and forth between the present, where Natalie is a successful fashion producer suddenly presented with the opportunity to fulfill long-forgotten dreams of design (and never-dreamt dreams of modeling), and Natalie’s recollections of past relationships.

In addition to this main plotline, there is also a sort of cul-de-sac story involving Natalie’s best friend, Anastaze, an anonymous virgin blogger trying to form meaningful romantic and sexual relationships while struggling with her need to remain anonymous (because of Scandals from her Family’s Past).

The following review contains spoilers, so avert thine eyes and skip to the last paragraph if you wish to avoid being spoiled.

Five Things I Liked

1. This book was funny—snort and laugh out loud funny. Not to say that it didn’t also make me reflect or cry at points—because it did—but the voice of the main character was sly and wry and made me root for her. For example, on page 4:

"In addition to his two short story collections and single massive inscrutable novel, he also edits a literary magazine with a cover so minimalist it’s literally blank. A different color of blank each month.”

2. The novel features a close and healthy female friendship. A lot of times when I see female friendships in books they do not ring true to me (often a case of the author saying the characters are close friends rather than showing it), but this friendship did, particularly in the flashbacks. Turns out women can be friends and talk together about things OTHER than boys!

3. Natalie’s past relationships all felt raw and real—including the sex. Judge didn’t omit, gloss over, or “fade to black” on pivotal scenes between Natalie and her past lovers, because—surprise!—part of the reason the scenes were so pivotal was because of the sex and what it meant. Descriptions of sex that move the story forward are a powerful way of showing Natalie’s relationship with intimacy (of all kinds).

4. Natalie is a character who was able to enjoy herself as a sexual being but STILL struggled with self-esteem issues. Maybe it’s because I’ve read a lot of old-school romance novels, but I really hate the trope of “oh, now that I enjoy sex and understand I am a sexual person, all my problems are cured and I am happy!” Yeah, no. This book is one of a very select few that show women can be perfectly open to the sexual side of themselves and STILL be insecure about romantic relationships. I thought this was really skillfully done with the character of Natalie, and found her thinking and actions both believable and entirely consistent with one another. In Vow of Celibacy, Judge skillfully shapes the characters and the setting so that the line of thinking Natalie followed was the only one she could have followed, given who she was and what the situation was. This didn’t make me want to drag her away from Ben, her toxic ex, any less, but it did make me empathize rather than chastise (which I have been known to do to literary characters).

5. There are sly Wellesley winks. I went into this book knowing that Judge was a Wellesley alum, so I fully expected the college Natalie and Staze went to to be Wellesley, but was thrown off when the college was a co-ed liberal arts school in the Hudson Valley. “Maybe I was wrong,” I thought to myself. “Serves me right pre-judging people; get it? get it? JUDGE! ERIN JUDGE! oh no what have I done.”

And then, on p. 154: “Meet me between Shropner and Billings in ten minutes.”

Which could have been a coincidence—I mean, Billings is probably a common name, and the fact that Shafer and Shropner kind of sound alike is probably just my brain looking for connections where there are none. Except then this happened, on page 204:

“So I enrolled instead in BIO 111: Organismal and Evolutionary Biology.”

Okay, Erin Judge. You win at deep cut Wellesley references, game, set, and match.

Two Things I Loved

1. Natalie is plus-sized and gets to be a model. NATALIE IS PLUS-SIZED AND GETS TO BE A MODEL. I mean, clearly this must happen, or there wouldn’t be plus-sized models out there. But I’ve rarely read books with plus-sized female characters where their body isn’t something to be changed and made-over, and never read one where that was combined with the fashion industry. (Although to be fair, the last fashion industry-centric book I read was Tyra Banks’s Modelland, which was its own brand of amazing crazysauce and had a main character described in none-too-flattering terms. But I digress.)

I also really loved Judge’s portrayal of the relationship between Natalie and her parents. Her mother’s constant prodding about food and weight and her father’s stoic silence that Natalie misinterprets as disinterest are things I’ve seen in other books, but never in the context of the character being criticized BEING PLUS-SIZED AND (in present-day, anyway) RELATIVELY OKAY WITH IT.

2. I really appreciated that Natalie used to have an eating disorder but has recovered. She casually mentions her therapist in the first six pages of the book like it’s not a big deal to have a therapist. Which it isn’t, but again: rarely in fiction do you see therapy used as anything other than a Plot Device or a sign that there’s something Serious going on. I also like that Natalie’s recovery from her eating disorder doesn’t mean that she never has negative thoughts about herself. Recovery from something like an eating disorder isn’t linear and isn’t an all-or-nothing illness where once you’re “cured,” you’re done. Again, reading a nuanced portrayal of this was intensely gratifying.

What I Didn’t Like As Much

The Anastaze present-day story arc didn’t really work for me. I get that Staze and Natalie were friends, and I appreciate that Staze was a rounded-out character and not just “the friend,” but I also got impatient with her problems. She’s variously described as a genius and highly talented, wealthy but with some kind of mystery in her history relating to her parents…and each time (present-day) Natalie gives a little more detail about her, I felt like she was trying to convince me that no, see, Staze is really Interesting and Complex.

After finishing the book and reflecting on it for a little bit, I came to the conclusion that the main reason I feel this way is because Natalie is such a vivid character to me. Reading the book felt like listening to a friend talk to you about her life and then digress into gushing about her friend who is so great, really, you’d love her; while Staze might be a perfectly nice person, you are much more interested in hearing about Natalie’s life.

I was also not the biggest fan of the introduction of a new sexual/romantic interest (Sean) at the very end of the book. I mean, yes, it’s good to have hope for the future, and yay, Sean is a good guy who doesn’t pressure her into having sex and respects her. I think it just felt a little heavy-handed, perhaps because of a parallel to another book I really enjoy. In Jennifer Crusie’s Anyone But You, the main character’s best friend writes a book of her sexcapades and gets feedback from a book group (who doesn’t know she wrote it) that the book is “too mean” to the friend’s ex-lovers and that it should end with an uplifting chapter about what the character has learned. And while maybe that advice works for a fictional tell-all memoir, I don’t think it was necessary in this book. Still, because it was so close to the end, and was a relatively minor point, it didn’t really affect my enjoyment of the rest of the story.

In Conclusion

I strongly recommend Vow of Celibacy to anyone who likes reading funny, first-person books with some introspection and vivid characters who interact with each other like real people. My one caution would be a content warning if you’re triggered by reading about eating disorders and body image issues, especially when exacerbated by a parent. Otherwise, I think this is well worth reading, no matter your gender identity or sexual orientation.

To learn more about Erin Judge, check out Rebecca Danos’ excellent Wellesley Writes It interview from last year!

[littlebitofbass]

There's something in Ed's recent songwriting that makes me cringe (maybe I just noticed it now). What's the point of saying your friend sells clothes (kinda says nothing about him/her compared to the other friends) and the "all you can eat" thing doesn't fit in with falling in love with her body theme of the song? This one's not as bad as the buffet but the Lilac's bloom in 'how do you feel' kinda feel like he just put it to sound kinda poetic but it doesn't really mean much.

Hmm. I disagree about the all you can eat line – I think it perfectly suits the song and the body-positivity theme. Remember, it’s about loving the shape of someone’s body no matter what shape it is. He’s saying first of all that the two of them are normal people who don’t necessarily go to fancy restaurants all the time, and secondly that he’s not expecting her to stick to some sort of strict diet in order to try to impress him. He loves and appreciates her body the way it naturally is according to her lifestyle as a normal girl, not as a supermodel or someone who prioritizes her own looks over things that are more important, like being comfortable with who you are as a person (even if who you are is someone who enjoys the occasional all-you-can-eat buffet). I love the fact that an extremely popular song like this has this message where the guy is saying, “Yo, you like buffets? I like buffets too! Let’s go eat as much as we want because we’re totally comfortable around each other and then make out because damn, I’m falling in love with you and I find your body sexy.” Don’t you think that’s sweet? Maybe I’m overthinking the buffet thing because red beans and rice didn’t miss me, but it’s actually my favorite part of the song.

As far as the friend leaving to sell clothes, I understand what you’re saying about it not being as personally revealing as some of the stuff about the other friends, but I just see it as one way of showing how different Ed and his friends are now even though they all grew up together, which is the whole point of that part of the song. The first two friends are mentioned in relation to their jobs: selling clothes and working down by the coast. These jobs are very different from what Ed himself does and presumably from what the other friends do. Then you’ve got the friend who has kids, the one who’s been married twice, the one who had a family tragedy, and the one who’s just barely getting by. The purpose is to show how different their experiences all are, and although some of these examples are personal, it’s not actually necessary to reveal something super personal about each one in order to support the theme that they are all living vastly different lives. He could just as easily have mentioned all their jobs and that’s all, but by using some personal examples as well as career-related ones, Ed is showing that their lives are different in lots of ways. He’s saying our experiences have diverged from each other at so many various points, but even though it doesn’t seem like we have much in common anymore, we still love each other. 

And… I’m actually not sure why you have a problem with the lilacs blooming in How Would You Feel. I agree that it isn’t exactly the answer to the meaning of life or anything, but it does help set the mood of the song and describe the time of year. And it’s pretty. I’ll admit I feel like that song does have a couple of throw-away lines in it, but I’ve got no issues with describing the way summer looks when you’re sitting on a roof with your arms around someone watching the sunrise. It’s romantic, isn’t it? And that’s what the song is supposed to be, just a romantic interlude, not some kind of deep commentary on an important political or social issue. Within that context, I believe the line functions the way it’s meant to. 

I guess the greater issue with all of this is that you – and I’ve seen a few other fans with this issue lately too – have an expectation of Ed’s writing which you feel is not being met with the songs we’ve heard so far from the new album. Not necessarily with these specific lines, but in general, some fans are looking for more introspection and deeper revelations than have been given. I don’t really know what to say to that. I personally really dig Shape of You and Castle on the Hill. But I also think it’s important to realize that all Ed’s songs are going to mean different things, both to him and to his fans, and something that one person finds really deep and meaningful or that strikes a certain chord with them will not always be the same type of thing you personally find a lot of meaning in. That doesn’t mean the meaning isn’t there. In a way, it’s a compliment that you expect so much from every release, because it means that you know how much Ed is capable of, so the bar is set extremely high. But every song can’t be Give Me Love, you know? There won’t be a Small Bump on every album. I think we’ve got to let the guy do his thing, write the songs he feels led to write, and let those songs impress us with their own merits and within their own context, and try not to continue to compare them to old favorites. Ed is still putting out some amazing music, and while I believe he is becoming better and better, I also think it’s unfair to expect each song to be your new favorite. Nothing can live up to that, you know? But they’re all someone’s favorite, and the guy’s doing an incredible job.

That whole last paragraph was a bit of a ramble, wasn’t it? Heh. Let me just say one more thing. The album isn’t out yet. There are still loads of songs you haven’t heard. I’m positive if you give it a chance when it comes out, you’ll find something you love on there. :)

[redscullyrevival]

Royal Assassin: Farseer Trilogy Rundown

It’s that time again @sonnetscrewdriver - as if you didn’t know because I am chatting to you right now lol

Setting/Plot/Narrative:

More great quality, I mean I can only repeat myself so much lol

The one part that really stood out to me was the first encounter with the white ship

That socked me in the gut I loved it so much

The series is overall well written and paced, occasionally meandering but I enjoy the world given and am not a intensely plot oriented reader - I like a good meandering 

But every once in a while Hobb lays before the reader a scene of just precisely perfect prose, and I have no doubt those scenes shift from person to person but for me the reveal of the white ship, the person pointing and laughing at Fitz the only one who could see

The way the scene is written is simple enough, its mostly a relay of events void of emotion other than silent terror

It is however wedged into two larger connecting moments and when I read it my heart raced and I found myself reading too quickly that I didn’t understand so I went back to re-read the paragraph and didn’t gain anymore answers - which was thrilling! It’s like a dreamy haze in the middle of events, a mirror of Fitz own experience and I in turn cherish the experience. Hobb has endeared me to her completely, I ordered the last Farseer book before I finished this one as well as the first Tawny Man. 

The game of cat and mouse and lies and keeping a straight face and restraint and all that is tops, I love love love tension and paranoia in media even though it destroys me in my real life.

Where the heck do we go from here though omg

Fitz

This guy

What’s almost completely unbelievable about Fitz isn’t his magic mental walls and wolf brother and ax wielding assassin resume, that shit makes sense in well placed, paced, and intentful context.

What (almost) makes Fitz unbelievable is his introspective-to-extrospctive ability.

Example: 

Fitz being able to acknowledge the pain he put Molly through for the benefit of no one else without being prodded by anyone one else; understanding that he used her, hurt her, and didn’t listen to her, coming to that truth all on his own is completely phenomenal. 

I’m glad Fitz realizes all this, that Hobb is compelled to explain unseen social male transgression/aggression- she doesn’t want her readers to think Fitz and Molly’s parting is romantic or entirely one parties “fault” and I applaud that. 

She pulls it off, but oh man it gets close, it gets really close at times. 

Fitzy’s life blows lol

I felt bad for him, that he got stuffed back into his body. Things went south so bad for him and the outlook ahead is so vast and steep there was a real part of me that was like “No, just... just let him hunt. Leave the poor bastard alone.”

Burrich

I cry

This is my favorite man

Burrich needs hugs

Ya know what’s great though? 

I’m eh on the reveal about Burrich/Patience/Chivalry but thankful at the same time. ‘Cause it’s a love triangle sure but from the much more interesting perspective of being over with by the time I learn of it and I appreciated that.  

Burrich is a very slow burn of a character isn’t he? I think that’s why I like him so much, he is someone I think we’re going to keep learning about along with seeing him react to events and survive and all that. 

Best part of the book hands down was when Molly was like “Yeah the ladies love Burrich” and Fitz is like “Wha duuur why?” 

pfft 

Prince Verity

I love you Verity

Where Shrewd didn’t take any risks Verity has taken many, and good for him. 

I mean, it hasn’t really worked out for him so far but you know, good on him for taking action 

Verity is a character I actually really, really like. He is a warm glow whose presence is sturdy and reassuring not just to Fitz but to myself. I want him to pull through and succeed almost more than Fitz does I think!

Hang in there Verity! 

Please don’t make me cry, fuck

Prince Regal

Alright

I know I’ve only read two books into this series and then Liveship Traders but the pattern I’ve peaked into thus far is that Hobb’s villains are acutely frustrating and not just with their machinations, oh no; Regal and Kennit’s grasps for power are understandable, it’s their obliviousness that causes, me at least, to look-up-from-the-page-to-stare-into-the-office-camera.

Granted Kennit could see some of the wider picture, more so than Regal, but both are still incredibly short sighted for being so overly ambitious - and are undoubtedly that way by design.  

Because that’s one of the biggest markers of selfish people. 

And that’s ultimately the baseline evil of Regal, he is just selfish. 

I know I’m suppose to probably be repulsed by Regal but I’m not. I can’t honestly pinpoint what it is about him I like. 

That’s a lie, I can 

I like Regal as a character because he is a bit wild. This story is all secrecy and plots and trying to be steps ahead of magic and schemes and shadows and doubts and in the mist of it all is this overgrown toddler with no sense of tact or skill (or Skill, haha) but there he is anyways twirling a baton of destruction and chaos. 

He’s a professional competent moron! 

And I enjoy his use in the narrative. 

I can’t believe he wants to inherent a scorched earth though, come on Regal open your eyes 

Lady Patience

Oh sweet Lady Patience

She is a great character

Her ability to be perceptive and subtle is better than Chade’s or Fitz’s or anyone elses but at the same time she is off the mark more often than not

which is such a great contrast for a character to have, love her to bits.

I really hope she is in the next book a lot more - oh and Lacy! I love Lacy. She looks like Jasminka Antonenko in my head.

Chade

What’s fascinating is I spent the book waiting for Chade to betray Fitz.

The idea of the Pox Man being an omen withing the narrative struck too deep for me, a over analytical reader. 

I wasn’t actively reading thinking to myself “He’s going to betray him! He’s going to do it!”

Naw

But a little subconscious nagging, a little pause before continuing his scenes perceived and followed Chade around my experience reading.

I believe the often reiterated Pox Man myth in this book is meant to coincide with Chade’s appearance, that the Pox Man hovers above disaster and implies doom but Chade is true and loyal; a debunking of the world’s superstition for the reader. 

Chade is still mysterious and I think he’ll always put me on edge a little bit but I’ve grown fond of him. 

King Shrewd

A shady mofo up until the very end.

Shrewd plotted like how I play chess; badly.

He sat on his tools for to long, he didn’t take risks or defended peices - in a lot of ways he seemed to be a lot like Royal to be completely honest, just fortunate enough to be the actual king. 

If he weren’t king though...

That might be a bit unfair, Shrewd was a bit vague for me.

Kettricken

I’m frustrated on Kettriken’s behalf

Her strength is unfathomable to me

She needs to be allowed to loose her shit

I’m stressed out for her, I’m frustrated for her, she is so quick and smart and talented and is just wasted within her situation and the way things work in the keep and society and ugghghghgh

Be safe my Queen!

The Fool 

What a precious little bean

Confounding and irritating at times but a soft soul trying their best

I won’t allow anything to happen to them

Still kind of annoyed with them on occasion though

You may notice I am using gender neutral pronouns because I think we’ve been given enough clues that the Fool is outside of Fitz’s understand of many things including the constant use of “him”. 

Very interested in that but I doubt it will be a focus in this next book if ever

In the mean time though I hope the Fool is with Kettricken or somewhere safe. I hope they become more coherent and consistent for their own sake and maybe start to do and act for themselves instead of exclusively for others. 

Molly

You go do you baby, don’t look back

Get the fuck outta dodge 

Don’t take this the wrong way but I hope I don’t see you again any time soon

I love you but you gotta move on, be the sane one, sever ties and float away 

I believe in you

Kisses

xoxo

[mikesgotsquareeyes]

Tom Bryans. Thoughts on a life departed.

It has been just over a month since I lost my dad. In that time I have been gradually working my way through every one of, what could be described as, “the mourning emotions” from Total Grief through to Despair before falling deep down into Rage and then finally drifting into Melancholy. That initial sharp, piercing, sorrow has subsided and now I’m left with a pensive, introspective sadness you seem to only feel when remembering the life of someone departed.

The illness that took so much from Dad including and ultimately his life likewise stole it all from us as well. However there are things that even a despicable disease like the one Dad had could not steal. The first thing, however obvious it is to say, is the years and years of memories that we made as both a family and personally over Dad’s life. I remember the family trips we would take where Dad would have a few too many “strong” continental beers and exclaim incoherent sentences like… “Drink up quickly, I don’t want another beer so make it last” Statements like that could easily be dismissed as the pissed-up ramblings of a drunken madman but for me when Dad would blurt them out they had a sozzled poetry like that of a lager-drenched Philip Larkin or Spike Milligan.

Similarly I will always remember those personal little moments that Dad and I would spend together predominantly when we were playing music. These moments, I recall, were filled with both joy and utter frustration in equal measures. As Dad had his very own very distinct sense of rhythm. When he would play the violin or sing, he would perform with the same theatricality regardless of where he was, whether in our front room or at an event in front of 200 people. He would fly through certain sections of songs making them bounce and soar, yet at other times he would hang on notes for what would seem like an age until every last ounce of sentiment had been drawn out of it. It was wonderful to watch but an absolute nightmare to try to play along with. When playing alongside him, my performance would often be reduced to the musical equivalent of a man either arriving too early or too late for a bus. Nonetheless when playing next to him, I always had the best seat in the house.

However in many regards, Dad is still here. He’s still within me. I’ve got his stupid sense of humour. His insatiable thirst for shite jokes. It’s now up to me to decide when the conversation has become too highfalutin, and thus drag the brow lower with a bizarre joke without a punchline. Similarly, for all his irreverence, Dad was an incredibly sentimental man. An attribute that has remained in me also. He would often well up at a piece of music or something on T.V, which when I was younger would make me think: “How can that make you cry Dad? You big girl” However now I find myself doing the exact same thing all the time. To the hilarity of those around me. Most recently I welled up watching an episode of Derren Brown’s TV magic show Trick of The Mind. I know, what the hell? Cheers for that Dad.                                    

Ultimately I believe his sentimentality came from his beautiful appreciation for everything. My mum has told me stories about when they worked at the bank together. It there where they initially met and ultimately fell in love. Mum has told me even though he was the guy in charge, everybody loved him because he genuinely cared about the people he worked with. He was encouraging and saw potential in everyone in the office. He prided himself on having never sacked anyone. He believed in making people better. He hated the TV show The Apprentice, as he would say “That is not how you do business!”

Likewise he would see the innate value of things; forgotten or broken objects, from the minute to the massive. It was his love of things that made it impossible to throw anything away in our house. He would take things and fix them or re-purpose them. His shed was packed full of, what we used to call, “loads of old shite” but to be fair to him, the guy used it. “They’ll come in handy one day”

I remember once he spent a whole Sunday afternoon building me and my brother Nick a skateboard ramp out of a broken coffee table he had been keeping at the bottom of the garden. He put so much care and effort into building this elaborate, ridiculous-looking ramp, which made it all the more upsetting when it lasted 10 minutes before collapsing under the weight of our almost kick-flips. I think we stayed outside in the street hiding that broken coffee table all evening as to not hurt our old man’s feelings.

I do have one caveat to that last paragraph and it is the following story. Like I said, Dad would not throw things away. But we had this sofa. A relic from the Seventies. One of the most garish things I’ve ever seen. Seriously it was like something out of the Super Prize Showcase from an old Family Fortunes episode. You can imagine Les Dennis in a canary yellow lounge suit straddling it legs akimbo. Basically what I’m getting at is, it was a shit sofa. We had it for years, until it had essentially lost all comfort and was more coffee stain than design. 

Eventually, years after it should have been condemned forever, Dad finally replaced it. Which meant that we had to dismantle it…and I got to dismantle it with him. So one sunny afternoon, we took the sofa into the garden. Dad braced me beforehand that it was to be a strict, regimental, and systematic operation. He spread all his tools out on the garden lawn and explained to me the intricate process he had planned. Within five minutes, we were just kicking the shit out of that sofa. And we continued to wreak havoc on that poor three-seater all afternoon. He was always a very gentle composed man but that afternoon he kicked the arms of that sofa like a pissed gorilla in DFS. We massacred those seats till sundown. It was a day an 11 year old boy would dream about. It had everything. Outdoors, sunshine, mindless destruction, but most of all I got to spend all afternoon hanging out with my dad.

Ultimately this grief that I feel will never totally leave and lastly what I have realised is that Grief is a powerful emotion, which should be harnessed and used as fuel to power me to go live the life that my dad always wished for me, and to make him proud. He was a sensitive soul with the surreal jokes, who never threw anything away, who was an accomplished musician whom played to his own time, a failed carpenter but an expert at sofa demolition. But ultimately he was my friend and he was my dad.